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muirmarie · 2 months

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[tw: suicidal thoughts, terminal illness, mentions of vomiting]

somehow 3400 words of accidental story???? may edit/rewrite a little and throw up on ao3 idk, but it stands as-is. vaguely mcspirk.

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my father was a betting man

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for the world is hollow and i have touched the sky where starfleet sends a cmo replacement before they go to yonada, and mccoy - mccoy goes back home. where else is he going to go? kirk and spock are throwing him away, aren't they - he'd asked jim to let him stay, but instead he'd - well. it doesn't matter.

he goes home. he goes home to joanna. she's sixteen years old. younger than he was when his father -

he goes home to joanna, and he counts out his months, and he makes a plan for how he's going to put the period on his life, because he's not going to put her through what he went through. he's not going to let her watch him die. he's not going to beg her -

well, it doesn't matter, does it.

he looks in the mirror in the mornings, and he sees his father's face, and he looks at her blue eyes and he wonders if he was ever that young. wonders -

he doesn't reply to any messages from kirk and spock, but he keeps in sporadic contact with uhura and scotty. he doesn't ask them not to pass anything along - he won't do that to them - so he just doesn't tell them anything true. never asks them anything real.

it's just, he thinks. he killed his father, after all. it's just and it's fitting that he goes out like this. but he won't let joanna -

she wants to move in with him and take care of him, and he won't let her. he won't let jocelyn be the bad guy, either, even though she'd let him, he knows. she'd let him tell joanna that jocelyn wouldn't let her. they haven't loved each other in years, but she was there when his dad -

jocelyn would let him, if he asked. he doesn't ask. it's his fault.

he won't let joanna take him to the doctor, won't let her pick up his medications, won't let her stay over in case she hears him throwing up at 3am again, won't let her help with all the sundries that come up when you're slowly wasting away.

he knows she wants to help, knows what he's doing isn't fair, either, but what is fairness when it comes to families? what is fairness when it comes to the memories and the regrets and the forked paths you can never, ever backtrack to.

why did you even come home, she asks, if you weren't going to let me help? she's so angry. she reminds him so much of himself.

what can he tell her? the truth, that he had nowhere else to go? the truth, that he is selfish and he couldn't bear never seeing her again? the truth, that it turns out that he really is his father's son?

that she really is her father's daughter?

he has nightmares, some nights, imagining that this is the great curse on the mccoy family tree. imagining her in thirty years right back here, in this moment, right where he is. he knows how many terminal illnesses there are in this universe. any one of them could have her name on it.

i'll be most effective on the job in the time left, if you'll keep this to yourself

the pain...stop the pain...son...release me...

jocelyn chooses to help more than he's comfortable with, but then she's never listened to him when he said he could handle something on his own. that was never their problem, was it. it's 3am and he's throwing up again and he tries to remember what their problems were, tries to remember why she threw him out, why spock and jim threw him out, why everyone he's ever loved has -

it doesn't matter.

it doesn't matter, does it. how many months does he have left? how many people does he have left that can throw him away? if they're not already gone, at least he will be, soon.

he's written his letters and he's arranged his affairs. he won't let it get as bad it he knows it will get. he won't -

he will not ever let anyone hear him -

he wonders, some nights, what it cost his dad to ask him. thinks about what it had cost leonard himself to ask chapel to stay silent, what it had cost him to ask kirk to let him stay, what it had cost -

he's blocked all avenues of communication from kirk and spock, by now. hasn't answered scotty or uhura for weeks. he'd tried to block chapel, but she -

she shows up on his doorstep six months after he leaves the enterprise. tells him she's taking a leave of absence to care for a family member. tells him, with that steady smile and cautious eyes that she's been in contact with jocelyn. shows him the documentation that she's listed as his next of kin.

jocelyn must have forged that, he thinks. wants to laugh. wants to punch a goddamn wall.

go back to the ship, he tells her, you're gonna fuck up your career taking a leave like this.

i only joined the enterprise to find roger, she says. c'mon, leonard. love always comes first. we only have so much time.

he can see it in her eyes, that she knows why he doesn't want her there. not after his father - he's never told her that, and he knows jocelyn never would. but she's always called him her worst patient. always known he could never let himself be vulnerable. used to chide him about it. used to -

you're not gonna kick me out into the cold, are you? she asks.

you really think i'm gonna let you boss me around my last few months on earth?

3am that night, she runs a cool washcloth across the back of his neck, brings him a glass of water so he can rinse out his mouth, says nothing at the angry, helpless tears in his eyes.

it takes her a week to ask him. she has more patience than he gave her credit for.

you gonna talk to them?

there's only one them for him, isn't there.

there isn't anything left to say, he says. it's the truth, isn't it?

you're really going to keep pushing them away?

they did that on their own, he says. wishes he meant it. wishes he -

let me stay, he thinks. release me, he thinks. don't tell anyone, he thinks. let me help you, he thinks. you've got to hold on, he thinks. let me -

he knows his father loved him. he loved his father, too. loved him so much that he would have given anything -

did. did give everything. gave his father up. gave his father up, and then had to live with it. has been living with it all these years.

he's tired of asking people for things that they can't give him. tired of not asking people for things they want to give him.

tired. just tired. been tired all his life, hasn't he. steeped in it.

looks at joanna's blue eyes, and sees the exhaustion in her. sees his own eyes, doesn't he. sees his own eyes, looking at his father. begging him.

i've done everything i can do. you've got to hang on.

hold on, he thinks. because he begged him, too. begged his father, too. he forgets that part of the story, sometimes, but it's been hard to forget, lately. thinks about joanna kneeling by his body, begging him. begging him to hold on.

why had he asked his father to hold on when he was so desperate to let go? why had he tried to make him stay when he was hurting so badly? was he that scared of being alone?

lonely, he thinks. he's lived a lonely life, hasn't he.

was that the last time he begged someone to stay?

he hadn't begged jocelyn. didn't even ask her to stay, did he. just listened to her, and nodded, and threw his shit together, and kissed joanna on the head, and took off to a hotel.

to a hotel. why hadn't he gone to a friend's? why hadn't he gone to a friend, and sat down, and poured out everything that was going on? why hadn't he asked for help? why hadn't he asked jocelyn for help before things got as bad as they did? maybe there wasn't anything still left to save, but it took them years to be friends again, didn't it. couldn't he at least have left as friends, instead of making them claw their way back to it?

he asks her, one day. she's taking him to the doctor. even chapel isn't able to sway her when jocelyn decides on something, and she's decided she wants to be here for him. so he asks her.

that was one of our problems, she says. says it easy, now, even though her mouth pinches, like it still hurts a little. you never needed me, leonard. never wanted to need me. i always felt like i had to bulldoze you if i wanted to help you, which eventually starts to feel a little counterproductive. and things haven't really changed, have they? you're just too tired to fight me anymore.

he is, he thinks. he is tired.

he is so tired of letting go of things. of being let go of. of running away. of being run from.

a lonely life, he thinks.

thinks, hold on, dad. please don't leave me. please keep fighting. i need you to keep fighting. please don't leave me.

wonders, now, with the benefit of hindsight, what his dad must have thought when he heard him begging. did he think leonard selfish?

is joanna selfish, he thinks. is chapel? is jocelyn?

it's just humans, isn't it. just humans trying to hold on a little longer. don't leave me. don't make me leave.

and then, finally, let me go.

he hasn't told chapel that he's made plans. he should. he can't and he won't. he doesn't need her to -

he doesn't want her to ask him not to do it. he doesn't want her to ask him to stay. to fight. to linger.

nine months since he left the enterprise. he can't focus on the studies that chapel still reads religiously. still looking for answers. he remembers that. he remembers how that feels. he remembers the hope and the hopelessness tangling together.

we have time, joanna says every time they talk. we will have time.

hold on, he thinks. keep fighting, he thinks.

spock and kirk have resorted to sending physical letters and packages.

let me go, he thinks. they pile up in his study, unopened. let me go, let me go, let me -

jocelyn and joanna come over for dinner a few times a week, chapel and jocelyn talking easily together, joanna's eyes too often focused on the way leonard moves the food around on his plate but barely eat. he barely keeps anything down these days. he watches those blue eyes watch him watch her, and he -

are you going to open those letters? jocelyn asks him, and he wants to laugh. wants to cry.

it doesn't matter, he says.

she takes his face in her hands, her eyes serious, her voice steady. it's all that matters, leonard.

she loved him, once. loves him all over again now, he thinks. it's a gift, isn't it, to be loved.

it's a curse, as well.

you're his doctor -

i'm his son!

3am, and there's nothing inside of him to throw up, nothing inside him left to claw out, nothing but his still beating heart, his paper-thin lungs, the last few secrets he's swallowed and never spat out.

he sits down amid the letters and the packages, but can't bring himself to open them. what could it matter, he thinks, if they care? he knows they care. what would it matter, he thinks, if they love him? he knows they love him as best as they're able. what does it matter if they did what they thought was the right thing to do?

he's never going to see them again.

he's never going to see them again, is he. he's never -

it's too much to cry through, so he doesn't cry. just sits there, amid the letters and the packages, the last desperate resort they had to try to contact him. to try to make him listen.

they'd made him leave, so he'd left, hadn't he? hadn't he done what they wanted?

if you'll keep this to yourself -

he hadn't really asked, had he. hadn't been able to bring himself to ask. not the real question. not what he'd really meant.

kirk had given him his answer anyway, hadn't he. hadn't even given it a day before asking for a replacement. that's how easy he was to replace, wasn't he. and they'd found one, and they'd brought them aboard, and mccoy had walked away without looking back.

kirk had wanted to talk, then, too, but what was there left to say? he could count on one hand the number of times he'd really asked kirk for something. he could -

i'll call you, kirk had called after him, and mccoy hadn't looked back. hadn't answer any of his calls. had blocked him. and now, these letters and packages piled around him.

spock had barely said anything at all. mccoy had already been so turned inside out that he'd thought little of it. if kirk didn't want him, of course spock wouldn't want him, either.

besides, if mccoy had a year left, what the logic in spock trying to remain in contact with him? what was a year worth? what was a friend worth? what was mccoy -

it doesn't matter, he thinks. tries to think. tries to will himself to believe. it doesn't matter, because if he lets it matter -

he falls asleep out there, that night. chapel chides him, but she can't do much more than that. he's deteriorating rapidly, now.

he should call them, he thinks for the first time. thinks he doesn't want them to see him like this. remember him like this.

his plans are made. his letters are written. the hypo -

he should call them, he thinks. can't bear to do so.

thinks of his father, begging, thinks of him begging his father.

thinks of kirk's face before mccoy had turned away. the careful blankness of spock's when he'd started to raise his fingers in the vulcan salute, and then bitten back his traditional goodbye. live long and prosper, mccoy snorts. what a goddamn joke.

he should call them, he decides. he'll keep it brief. just long enough that they won't have to haunted by any what-ifs. he can give that to them. he should give that to them. just because he's always been the one who'd loved more than he should doesn't mean they don't love him at all. he knows they do. he knows he's hurt them.

thinks he can swallow down his own hurt one last time, swallow it down long enough to give them the goodbye they need. give them what they need, even if it hurts him to do so.

the pain...stop the pain...son...release me...

he's good at giving people what they need, isn't he. just once -

it doesn't matter. he won't let it matter. not for this. he'll let them go. let them let him go. give them what they need.

he worries over it for one more night, and then he checks his comm. there are too many messages to even glimpse at - it seems like half the enterprise has tried to contact him over the last three days. he worries over that for a moment as well - has something happened? is someone hurt? is someone - well. is someone besides him dying?

he can't take the time to read or watch them now, though. his brain gets too foggy too quickly these days, and he has to use his time to his best advantage.

he unblocks spock and jim.

hesitates over both of their photos for a moment, deciding. not that it matters - they're probably together.

jim will be angrier, but he'll be more hurt if he calls spock first. his head is pounding. his mouth is dry. it will have to be a short call. at least he has that - he can turn it off whenever he wants, escape them any time he wants. there's a universe between them.

they put a universe between them.

he calls jim. waits. almost laughs at the idea that all this build-up, he might not answer. probably can't answer. probably too busy saving the universe.

what was he thinking? that he was going to just sit and wait around for him? kirk didn't even want him there. he didn't - of course he wouldn't -

he's being foolish. he'll try back later. he has time. he still has a little left, doesn't he. a few more weeks. maybe a few months if he's lucky.

he's never been that lucky, has he. the great mccoy curse.

he reaches for his comm, decides not to leave a message, decides -

bones? jim says. his eyes look wild. he looks so young. he looks so old, somehow, too.

hi, jim, mccoy says. his voice sounds steady. his hands are steady.

did they finally get through to you? jim asks. he's speaking so fast it's almost hard to parse the words, or maybe that's just mccoy's tired brain.

what?

the crew, did they finally get through to you? they've been trying non-stop -

i don't know what you're talking about, jim.

that's the house, a voice suspiciously like spock's says. mccoy smiles a little. he knew they'd be together. they've always been at their best together, haven't they. never needed -

just hold on, bones, jim says, and mccoy rolls his eyes. of course. death bed goodbyes, and of course he's being asked to hold. he shouldn't have called. he shouldn't -

why don't you just gimme a call when you're free, mccoy says, trying to keep his voice light. trying so hard it feels like he's choking on the words. choking on the love. choking, choking, choking.

bones -

i should go, mccoy says. got a busy day myself. tell spock i said hi.

tell himself, you goddamn idiot, kirk says.

there's a knock at the door, and mccoy wants to get off of this call, wants to lock himself away, can't beginto deal with whoever is visiting, can't bear to see joanna like this, can't -

i have to go, jim, mccoy says.

there's a louder banging on the door, and mccoy drags a hand across his forehead.

you aren't going anywhere, you sonuvabitch, kirk says

and then someone starts trying to break the goddamn door down, and mccoy bolts to his feet. sways.

sit down, bones, kirk says, his face too close to the screen, his eyes wide and worried, sit down before you fall down and kill yourself

it doesn't matter, mccoy says, barely realizing he's saying it out loud until he hears kirk's sharp inhale

there are footsteps in the hallway

maybe someone's coming to kill him. it makes as much sense as anything else, and he's so tired, isn't he.

keep fighting.

he's just so tired.

hold on.

he slumps back onto the couch. closes his eyes.

i have to go, he says. says it to jim, to spock, to the footsteps coming closer and closer. you have to let me go.

someone sits down next to him. puts their hand on his thigh.

you're not going anywhere, jim says.

and then mccoy frowns, a little. blinks his eyes open.

that voice didn't sound like it was coming from a communicator. that sounded like -

jim is sitting next to him, and spock is moving rapidly around to the other side of the couch. sitting down next to him as well.

what - he says, disoriented. wide-eyed.

afraid.

we have found a cure, doctor, spock says, reaching out and taking mccoy's wrist gently in his hand.

you aren't going anywhere, jim says. i'm not gonna let you.

what are you doing here? mccoy says.

what the hell do you think? jim says, his hand tightening on mccoy's thigh.

leonard, spock says. we are bringing you home.

#uhhhhh this is super long and should probably actually be turned into an actual fic #i was just gonna jot off like 500 words. i did not expect............this. SO. yeah. might turn it into an actual fic. but for now. here.#have 3400 words written directly into this tumblr post lmao??? oh well #star trek #star trek tos #leonard mccoy #fic #mine #st:tos #listen i just have a LOT of feelings about FTWIHAIHTTS in relation to mccoy's dad AND joanna #just a LOT of feelings okay!!!!#character study

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tigereyes45 · 4 months

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A missing Mcspirk scene about Sybok, from Star Trek V. That takes place after the party but before they make it back to Yosemite. This fulfills two of my bingo prompts for the Mcspirk Bingo being hosted on the @mcspirkevents blog.

Summary:

Jim decides to check on McCoy a few hours after the party ends. Bones is alone, and upset. The tension in the room is palpable as Jim decides to risk bringing up the whole Sybok fiasco now. He needs answers. There's a deep-seated need to know why McCoy never told him and Spock about his father before.

Start:

With a familiar roll of his eyes, McCoy leans back in his chair. His knuckles turn white as he grips his knees. “Kirk, just ask already.”

“Kirk?” It sounds strange hearing his last name come out of Bones’ mouth rather than Jim. Kirk steps a little closer until he’s standing by McCoy’s shoulder. All within reach in case the doctor felt so inclined to reach out. “What should I be asking, Bones?”

“Don’t act innocent.” Bones rolls his eyes before turning back towards the window. Starlight shines against his face. It cast small spots of lights scattered throughout the shadows about him. Deep blue eyes twinkle, as they look out. “I know better than your usual acquaintance.”

It’s an unfair dig. Jim folds his hands behind his back in a parade rest. “And yet after everything that happened today, I feel as if I’m getting to know you for the first time.” When McCoy raises his head, Jim twists just enough to face him. He offers an amused smile.

Bones drops a hand onto the arms of the chair. “You know me Jim.” McCoy never looks away. His gaze is steady, and tone certain. However, Jim can see the sadness in his eyes. The lack of shaking in his voice does very little to hide the grief, and fear evident in the curl on his lips, and the light shaking of his leg.

Jim should comfort him. If this were any other time he would have done just that, but hurt rears its ugly head, and he asks the one question that has been bothering him since Sybok’s sudden show.

“Do I?”

Curled lips fall into a flat line. Water wells up along the corner of already wet eyes. “Does this really change so much?” This time the shaking shifts from McCoy’s leg to his voice.

Before he can answer that, Jim must know. “If I say it does?”

McCoy hangs his head. For a moment it stills. Time slows down as Bones takes a deep breath, lost in thought. Jim squeezes his wrist within his hand. Why didn’t you tell me? Is there a reason you didn’t trust me? Have I ever proven to be disloyal, or judgemental? Tell me Bones. Why? Jim could ask, but why wouldn’t McCoy just tell him? There has been so few secrets between them in the past, and maybe that’s the problem. Kirk deliberately inhales. All the secrets that have ever lied between them were Jim’s or Spock’s. Bones has always been an open book. They were blinded by their perceptions, the disguise McCoy dons. If it was a disguise then what has been the truth? Were they ever friends? Ever more? Did he even have the right to call himself anything but a stranger?

“Then you should find a new doctor.” Jim takes a step back. Bones refuses to meet his gaze. That’s for the best because there was no way for Jim to control the pain rushing through his body. It feels as if the enterprise was splitting into. As if the warp core was shattered right in half and about to melt down. It might as well, for what is life without McCoy, or Spock for that matter?

It would be even worse than his time as admiral.

“Bones,” Desperate for a bit of normalcy Jim reaches out. He rests a hand on the doctor’s shoulder. Rather uncharacteristically, McCoy pulls out from beneath Kirk’s grasp with a glare on his face. More like a cornered animal than a man, he pushes his chair back, standing unsteady, eyes trained on Kirk’s. The captain’s voice was far fainter than he wanted. “Why?”

And here's my updated bingo card:

I decided to color code the stars based on whose P.O.V. the story is in.

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calliecat93 · 17 days

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💕: What is an unpopular ship that you like?

Does TOS McKirk count? Considering it's non-existent compared to every other McSpirk-related ship including against it's AOS counterpart... yeah we're going with TOS McKirk. But can anyone blame me? I mean... LOOK AT THEM~

They're so God damn cute together! There's so much I could say about why I love them as a pairing and how sad it makes me that there's so little of them as either a ship or as besties. They're best friends, they're confidants, they're so loyal and devoted to one another (and Spock), even when they have spats it's always quickly forgiven and not even three years apart could break their bond. They truly need one another and really bring out the best in one another. They deserve so, SO much more love.

#ask #kcscribbler #mckirk #star trek tos

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thisisahyperfixationnow · 1 year

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What about Bones?

So sometimes I think about AOS vs TOS, and the biggest thing is that in TOS, Mcspirk is basically cannon. You cannot tell me those boys don’t love each other, it makes me crazy.

But in AOS, it’s just Spirk. Don’t get me wrong, I was a Spirk fan waaaaaay before I noticed Mcspirk in TOS, but I try to see the tension between anyone in shows I watch, I Jim and Bones just seemed like brothers. On the surface, this is just interesting, but what about Prime!Spock? (I’m gonna call him Selek)

Because he knew Jim and Leonard since his 30s. In this scenario, he dated them, basically married them. Hell, he’s t’hy’la with one and shared his katra with the other. He knows them. It’s the three of them.

So do you think he gets whiplash sometimes?

I bet he visits Jim and Spock, sometimes, especially after they start dating. And I wonder if one time they’re talking, and Bones walks in, and he’s expecting him to join in. To meld into the pair like his Leonard did. But instead he stands apart, like the friend that he is. I bet it’s heartbreaking, another reminder of what Selek’s lost.

Not only that, but what about Bones?

There’s an animatic somewhere on YouTube of Everything Stays where it compared AOS and TOS, and it pointed out to me that in the Kelvin timeline, there’s no nurse Chapel, and it got me thinking.

Not only do we not see Nurse Chapel, but I don’t remember there being a Doctor M’Benga either. So he has none of his original work friends in the sickbay. Well, he still has Jim and Spock, to an extent.

But what about Joanna?

We hear about Jocelyn in the shuttle, how his wife took the whole damned planet in the divorce, but does that include his daughter? The crew are significantly younger in AOS, does he even have her? Just how lonely is Bones?

I think about Leonard McCoy a lot.

#star trek #bones mccoy #mcspirk #spirk #tos star trek #aos star trek #joanna mccoy #christine chapel #m’benga #This was probably way too long #But it’s my first post here #and him and Spock are my favourite characters #And sometimes I wonder about him #And about Selek #And all the little changes he has to get used to #I don’t know if this is as elegantly written as it can be #But it’s half eleven #And I’ve never done this before #And I wanted someone else to be sad about bones with me

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strangenewwords · 3 months

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WIP Wednesday

tagged by the lovely @kcscribbler regarding the WIP's I'm currently working on.

Hahahahah OH MY GOD THERE'S SO MANY.

Also I have a new rule where I write chaptered fics in full before publishing because that'll take the pressure off yay.

I think the two that are most prominent in my mind (other than McSpirk Month, and the handful of amazing ideas y'all inject into my brain) are impulse, my role-swapped Spirk, and emotionally compromised, my super whumpy Spones/Spirk/McKirk (It really is all of those things separately). That one turned into a fucking UNIVERSE thanks to @ncc1701ohno.

IMPULSE

The sound of voices carries from around a row of plants. Orchids. It’s the first moment he’s noticed them, dozens of them kept in fastidious arrangement. Leaning forward Jim makes to reach for the closest one, the tips of the fingers of his right hand just barely brushing against the silk of the petals.

“Please, do not touch them.” Spock’s directive comes as he steps around the corner, hands clasped as always behind his back.

He looks different than Jim’s ever seen him. He’s draped in robes, but they’re not the formal things he wears to official gatherings or the stark tunics of their uniforms. He looks good. Almost vibrant. Vulcans exist with a line of tension that runs through them, like being strung up by piano wire, and Spock’s has been cut. As a result, his shoulders are slightly more rounded and the cant of his chin is not quite as sharp.

“Sorry.” Jim steps back from the plant, offering a gentle curving of his mouth. “They’re beautiful.”

Spock stops before him, a professional distance away, and observes the orchid Jim had just barely grazed as if checking for damage.”It is of no concern.” Satisfied, he straightens. “It does not appear to have been harmed.

It was obviously of some concern, or Jim could have kept on petting the damn thing. Instead of pointing that out, Jim just puts his hands in his pockets.

Oh neat, he’s got pockets. He’s wearing jeans. He hasn’t worn a pair of those since he’d been enlisted in Starfleet.

EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED

“Tush ah nask dey kod lu.” Nope. That wasn’t right. “Turshah naz va koddle.” Okay, so Leonard's not doing well at this.

He swallows rough, feeling it as red rushes up his neck. Sarek, for his part, remains patient and unbothered, waiting for Leonard to get it right.

It takes a moment to psych himself up as he repeats the words in his head yet again before trying a final time. “Tushah nash-veh k'odu.” Each is spoken with precise articulation, fighting against the gentle curves of his accent, and it takes all of Leonard’s failing brain power but he gets it.

He thinks.

Sarek inclines his head lightly, reaching for the tea which has been set out before him.

“As you are of my house, the informal is more fitting.” Leonard isn’t. Not yet. It makes something in him twist for Sarek to already consider him so. “Tushah nash-veh k'du.”

“Tushah nash-veh k'du,” Leonard repeats, that same fierce intention focused on each and every syllable.

“And I grieve with you, Dr. McCoy.” Sarek sips at the tea and, well, he doesn’t pull a face. But Leonard can see the tiny tightening at the corner of his mouth. He’s gotta be exhausted or Leonard knows nothing would escape at all.

tagging @twinkboimler, @ncc1701ohno, @introvertia, @flippyspoon and @spock-in-awe in a totally non pressure way to see what y'all are up to (because we all know it's gonna be amaaaazing).

#tag game #writing #fanfiction #wip wednesday

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dustykneed · 4 months

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for context: star trek into darkness (specifically, my take on the implications of bones doing what he had to do and the emotional fallout of those missing scenes) (not that ive seen it!! but ive read enough fic to know the gist of it LMAO) (can you believe this started as an impulse draw to see if i could use pastels to convey heavy emotions and now im writing a very very long headcanon in my notes app.)

...

Leonard goes and he plays god, and injects Jim with that godforsaken blood, and then there is nothing left to do but wait.

He sinks into the chair at his desk, and steeples his fingers together. It occurs to him that these circumstances are the sort that would drive any religious man to bow his head and clasp his hands together, like so, and pray.

--but he is a doctor, and he has never been religious, and he has a duty to do, and he has broken his oath, and there is blood on his hands and flecking his shirt.

Leonard sits very still at his desk and weeps, and he does not pray.

...

sorry to all of y'all who had to find out i was an angst goblin this way <///3 but basically the hc/rough fic is an extension of the angst potential of that one scene where jim wakes up and fixates on spock (and his lack of response towards bones is never addressed afterwards i think? not sure but it's an interesting premise imo)

brief summary: bones never gets closure from jim after he wakes up because jim and spock get together immediately after and it just slips their minds, so bones is stuck in "oh god jim's dying" mode and feels absolutely terrible, but the bridge crew helps a bit by being there for him to hang out with, but still bones does overwork while trying to work through the sense of wrongness of not being able to have his emotional needs met after the whole jim dying fiasco and feeling like his best friend has forgotten him. he admittedly makes good progress (by which i mean he's able to take really big overwhelming feelings and put them away well enough in his daily life to function relatively normally) but the crushing grief is always in the background. about a month or so after spirk gets together, spock accidentally brushes bones' arm and is absolutely slammed by a wave of unexpected exhaustion and emotional pain and is like ??????!!!????????? long story short he drags bones to jim and bones cries for the first time since jim "died" and it is immensely cathartic and then jim blurts out a confession because he has horrible timing and asks bones to join him and spock and obviously bones cries harder and spock is about to smack jim upside the head lmao (bones says its way too much to process and he needs time but hes not exactly opposed, and they all start spending more time together, and then eventually bones is like fuck it and asks for a kiss and they finally get together !!!!!!)

as a treat for reading all of my mildly insane word vomit y'all get a soft bittersweet aos mcspirk scribble<33

gotta love aos jim's majestic eyebrows and aos spock's general sort of >:[ expression!! really growin on me tbh

#star trek #star trek aos #star trek fanart #star trek into darkness #mcspirk #aos #leonard mccoy #bones mccoy #spock #s'chn t'gai spock #jim kirk #spirk #dust trek hcs #dust hcs #im going very steadily insane #also thank you guys so much for all the sweet tags and comments on my scribbles and hcs!! i appreciate all of them so very much and #i have a low social battery but just wanted to say i love yall sm!! and i will continue to go insane and make things for yall as thanks<333

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crowzwrites · 1 month

Text

A sight for sore eyes

for mcspirk month

ao3

content warning: None

@mcspirkevents

It's a sunny day on the planet they've beamed down to, Revena V, pretty turquoise skies and a rainbow arching across it. Kirk smiles at his first officer, who gives him an eyebrow raise in return, then looks back at his tricorder to analyze the data he's been collecting of fauna and small critters. He's glad to have peaceful moments like this on away missions where he can walk beside Spock, hands intertwined as they amble about. Their last mission had ended up in a battle and many injured crewmen, so thankfully they had been given some time to rest and explore more tranquil and serene planets in the latest system that had yet to be mapped on a star chart.

McCoy had opted to stay on the ship because last time he beamed down with them he'd fallen down a ditch and sprained his ankle. Jim tried not to laugh as he cursed everything around him when they were beaming back up—of course he was worried, but Bones was so grumpy and in the end it had been fine. They cuddled to make up for it, Jim taking in the sight of both his partners. Spock had made McCoy a hot chocolate and took care of him whilst

Jim got the man to be quiet and accept the care, at one point Jim considered giving Bones a taste of his own medicine, stabbing him with a hypo.

At least, when it’s just the two of them, there are no huffs and complaints about the mission to collect more data, just avid discussions about said data and observations about the pretty plant life.

“What do you think of this planet, Spock?”

“It is fascinating, I will have to take further samples of some of the fauna as they have intriguing properties that could be used in medicine. There are also many small animals that look interesting. This planet is very diverse in its plant and animal life.”

“I love visiting all these cool planets, better than being attacked by Klingons or whatever.”

“Certainly. I only wish that Doctor McCoy had joined us, even if he does tend to complain.” Spock smiles at him slightly.

“Yeah, but after the last mission he’s afraid he’ll get hurt and then he’ll have to get taken care of by us. He’s allergic to accepting help.”

“Indeed he is.”

Jim smiles and glances at Spock again, appreciating his side profile: curved pointy ears that he oh so loves to touch gently, hazel eyes that look at him with affection, silky black hair that sits perfectly on his head, and finally his nose. Jim enjoys booping it, which makes Spock blush. Jim's always been one to appreciate both of his lovers' features—McCoy especially, since he needs encouragement and positivity. He's a little more self conscious than Spock in that department. Of course, both of them have their flaws. So does he.

Jim looks back to his surroundings. He notices a flower that is almost the same height as him. It glows a warm yellow and has pink spots on its petals.

Without thinking, he stops and leans forward a little. Then he thinks, oh, shit. The flower spews spores at his face. He groans and staggers backwards. Spock catches and steadies him but he barely notices it because his eyes feel as if they are being set alight. Briefly, he thinks that McCoy is going to be very mad. He then passes out, distantly hearing Spock shouting his name as he succumbs to the darkness.

Slowly, hearing the steady beat of the heart monitor and vaguely feeling a warm hand enclosed in his own, he comes back to awareness. Jim opens his eyes. To nothing. To darkness, only making out blurry shapes. His heart rate skyrockets. He's panicking as the monitor beeps loudly, making his ears hurt. Why can't I see? Why can't I see, wh-

“It's okay, Jim,” says a voice he recognises to be Spock. “You are safe.”

Jim turns and can't make out Spock's face, only a blurry figure that's trying to comfort him and God, he can’t focus on that gentleness, only registers that he's blind. What if he never sees Spock or Bones’ face again? What if he'll never be able to look into both of their deep brown eyes and get lost in them? Oh, God. He'll lose his captaincy, lose Spock, lose Bones.

Jim.

Jim, breathe.

He does. Inhale. Exhale. Just like McCoy taught him when he had panic attacks at the Academy. Sound comes back to him. He didn't even realise his ears had been ringing. The overwhelming panic and fear had overtaken any rational thought. He sighs and turns his head in the direction that Spock’s voice had come from. Cold hands graze his face and rub a soothing motion down his cheek, another hand on his shoulder. It must be Bones, no doubt hovering over him like the mother hen he is.

“Spock…Bones...I-I can't see you.”

“Don't worry, kid, we'll find a cure to this, Spock and I. You know we'll try our hardest, darlin’. Just relax for me, okay? We've got you.” Bones’ voice relaxes him. Jim sinks back down into the biobed and grabs Spock's hand back for comfort.

“I miss seeing your faces…” he says quietly.

“Do not worry, Jim. We will find a cure, Ashaya.”

“Can you take me back to my room?”

Jim attempts to look at them both. Spock guides Jim's hand to his and McCoy’s faces. He feels Spock's pointy ears and brushes a hand through Bones’ soft hair, a mild comfort to him.

“Yeah, alright. No harm in that, just be careful, okay?”

“You know me, I'm always careful.” Jim laughs—he can hear Bones’ eyes roll and Spock's questioning eyebrow raise.

Slowly, he gets up (mostly) by himself, Spock's hand in his and Bones' arm around his elbow. He's glad they're here to help him through this ordeal. In the future, he'll make sure to steer clear of pretty glowing flowers on alien planets. His partners guide him back to his room at an even pace. It's odd not being able to see. Jim had taken that ability for granted and not appreciated the beauty of sight until it was ripped away from him. He's pretty confident that Spock and Bones will find a cure promptly, though, they've been through thick and thin, after all, and Bones is nothing short of a miracle worker by now. He’s an angel watching over Jim through life and death. He means that literally, now, since he'd been brought back to life by the doctor and all.

He hasn't really been paying attention and if they weren't here to help, he surely would have knocked himself out on a wall or something. He keeps his eyes closed, not wanting to see all the blurry figures and outlines that'll probably make him want to throw up. It's very disorienting. Spock squeezes his hand reassuringly. They've stopped walking now, so they must be at his room. Wordlessly, one of them enters his passcode, and then all of them step through. He's guided to his bed, which he's grateful for. All he wants to do is to sleep in his lovers’ arms and be reassured by their warm presences beside him.

“I love you both…thanks for helping me.”

“Of course, just promise me you’ll be more careful next time, sweetheart?” McCoy says gently, sparing him the angry lecture this time and instead putting a hand on his thigh.

“I'll try.”

They all know that it's unlikely that he won't land himself in danger. At least he has Spock to protect him and Bones to patch him back together again and again. Quickly, he rids himself of his shirt and trousers and then pulls them down to cuddle with him. Bones huffs but obliges him. Frankly, he doesn't care if it's the morning or afternoon, he just requires immediate snuggles before he rests. Jim moves to Spock's chest and puts his arms and leg around him, then hooks his other leg around Bones, who's hugging his waist. Neither of them care about the time, either. Even Spock allows Jim this comfort. His nose brushes against his Vulcan’s bare chest and finds himself drifting off quickly into dreams about stars and lovers.

After only three days of being sightless, during which his doctor and science officer work tirelessly, they finally find a cure. Jim has by then become more used to not being able to see, has learned to rely more on his hearing and special awareness, which he sorely lacks after crashing and tumbling over almost everything. Bones had berated him after finding him trying to get to the bridge but tripping over a crewman’s foot and faceplanting ungracefully. His nose thankfully stayed in one piece, but his body is probably littered with tiny bruises by now, if the doctor's lecture is anything to go by.

“I believe we have found a cure Jim, do not worry. The doctor and I will come to you. Stay put.” Spock’s voice chirped. He sounded tired.

“Hey! I'm not a child. I can handle myself, Commander,” Jim sasses, getting up and walking to the door.

Jim doesn't quite make it to the door. Instead he trips over his boots and almost slams into the wall by his door but catches himself, cursing out loud and hoping Spock hadn’t heard that. He had, though. Of course he had.

“Jim, please do not injure yourself further unless you want Leonard to lecture you again,” Spock chides. He mutters the word “illogical” under his breath.

Begrudgingly, he makes his way back to his bed and flops down on it. He hopes this’ll work. If it doesn't, he just might cry even if they eventually find one. It could take months or even years, or maybe he's just permanently blind, sight taken from him by some stupid flower on some dumb planet. If he didn't beam down to that planet and instead stared out into space or just wrote some boring reports, then maybe he wouldn't be stuck in misery. Well, it's not all bad. Still, Jim can't help but feel melancholy about losing such a core part of himself. He huffs and rolls over, and his door swishes open to allow his boyfriends to enter, ready to hopefully save the day.

“You ready, Jim?”

“Yep! Stick me, Bones.” McCoy sighs at that but jabs the hypo into his neck.

At first, he doesn't feel anything, but then his head starts to spin. He groans, squeezing his eyes shut and clutching at his head. For a minute, it's agony. Spock is gripping his shoulders and trying to ease the pain through touch while McCoy worriedly dotes over him and does something or other. The nausea and pain fade to an ache behind his eyes and he peeks an eye open. He's met with a slightly less fuzzy Spock leaning over him.

The scared expression in his chocolate brown eyes comes into focus, and then Jim breaks out into a wide grin and hugs Spock tightly. He gestures for Bones to join and he does. Jim feels happy again. His vision is almost back to normal, and he can see both of them again. They look tired but relieved, and he pulls away to admire them. He loves Bones’ light-hearted scowl, the freckles dotting his face, his pouty lips and smooth hair. Jim kisses Spock and it’s electric. His relief and affection trickle through to the Vulcan as they passionately embrace. Without wasting any time, he breaks apart to kiss Bones, who gasps in surprise but leans into it. Bones puts a hand in his hair, making him groan, and then Jim leans back to appreciate his gorgeous face.

“You okay, Jim?” Bones looks at him worriedly and Jim realises he's crying.

“I'm okay.” He smiles and puts his head on Spock’s shoulder.

Spock had moved to sit on his bed next to him while Bones was kneeling in front of him.

“I am glad the serum worked…I do not know what I would've done if it hadn't,” Spock says quietly.

“You'd do what you always do. Try and try again. That's why I love you, both of you.”

“Love ya too, kid,” says Bones, as Spock says, “Taluhk nash-veh k’dular,” then Bones stands up and leans over Jim. Gently, he wipes away the tears running from his eyes, like rain on a sunny day that blooms into a rainbow. He feels good and lucky to have both of them to take care of him.

Jim knows they'll always take care of him when he dives headfirst into danger, or gets blinded by some flower, or whatever it may be. At least he can laugh it off now.

#star trek #mcspirk #mcspirk month 2024 #aos #alternate original series #kirk #spock #mccoy #mcspirk fic #sfw #writing

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existentialcrisistime · 10 months

Note

WIP guessing game: laugh/laughed!

From my as-yet-untitled Xedgin fic:

Well, we’re a pair of sad sacks, aren’t we?” He laughed, [although it sounded hollow even to his own ears.]

and

Xenk began to laugh too, until they were both out of breath, tears of mirth and old grief trailing down their cheeks.

From 'My World is No Longer Hollow', a McSpirk fic:

Jim laughed, a wet sort of thing, as if he too was half choked up with emotion.

and

The silence was again broken by a laugh from Jim, who had carefully extricated his hand from between Leonard’s and Spock’s, and had rounded the table to clap them both on the shoulder.

Thank you! The word was in 2/4 of my easily-searchable WIPs, so not a bad choice. Seems like Jim does a lot of laughing in that one WIP :')

#dungeons and dragons honor among thieves #xedgin #star trek tos #mcspirk #my fic #fic wip #ask meme #twinkboimler

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dootplusone · 2 months

Text

McSpirk's Pokemon Teams

I decided to try and put together some pokemon teams for McSpirk just for fun. These teams are mostly comprised from vibes.

All under the cut because this is a looooooong long post

Bones

Meganium

Chikorita is cute

Its pokedex says it can calm aggressive feelings.

Overall, I just think it'd be a cute pokemon for him to raise? Maybe one he's even has since childhood.

Blissey A classic pokemon for Doctors and Nurses. They heal other pokemon in the wild. Just very caring and fitting for Bones, honestly. A must-have.

Togekiss Imagine him raising a Togepi. IMAGINE IT. Evolving Togepi to Togetic through friendship. And then to Togekiss Also "It shares many blessings with people who respect one another’s rights and avoid needless strife." Is it fitting or funny, who knows.

Umbreon A contrast to Spock, which you'll see later! I like to think this pokemon was a gift from Spock and/or Kirk, given to him so that he has a "battling pokemon" for protection - the catch being that Umbreon is mostly a defense pokemon, rather than an attack-focused pokemon. Plus, it can glow in the dark for him. One of the three eeveelutions that evolves through friendship.

Miltank Look this was mostly just a funny addition. But also Miltank makes Moomoo Milk, which is a healing item in-game.

"Its milk is packed with nutrition, making it the ultimate beverage for the sick or weary."

Drakloak Okay I was originally just going to have Umbreon be his only pokemon capable of fighting. However, after going through pokedex entries, I thought this pokemon would also work as a great part of his team. Drakloak dotes on Dreepy until they evolve. It gets restless if it does not have a dreepy to care for, and will care for literally anything as a substitute. Also its evolution is super cunty, I almost gave it to Spock. Maybe this, too, was gifted to him, and he's just in the middle of raising it into a Dragapult.

EXTRA: Either has raised or will raise a Cubone at some point. Like are you kididng me. I was gonna put a mudsdale in the team, but decided that maybe he left his Mudsdale that he grew up with to Joanna, so that they can take care of each other

I think his "main" pokemon would be Meganium or Blissey.

Spock

Espeon Contrasts with Bones. A pokemon that evolves with high friendship. A psychic type. Plus I think he'd love its big ears. Overall, just a very fitting pokemon for him.

Lucario "A well-trained one can sense auras to identify and take in the feelings of creatures over half a mile away." "It can tell what people are thinking. Only Trainers who have justice in their hearts can earn this Pokémon’s trust." Another pokemon that evolves through high friendship. I just think it's a good fit.

Gardevoir Will create black holes to protect its trainer. Make of that what you will. An extremely loyal psychic and fairy pokemon. Has a general air of grace and nobility that I think suits Spock.

Intelleon Look. I know what you're thinking. Why the fuck would I choose Intelleon over all starters. Honestly, I was tempted to give him Sceptile or Meowscarada. However, wanted to give McSpirk different types of starters. And out of the water starters, it was between Intelleon and Samurott. So why Intelleon? I think him raising a very tearful little lizard into a lanky, cunty spy lizard is fucking hilarious. So yes, this is a bit of a meme option.

Haxorus "While usually kindhearted, it can be terrifying if angered. Tusks that can slice through steel beams are how Haxorus deals with its adversaries."

While Spock does have some strong pokemon, I think this one is a good one to sort of underly that somewhat Secret Vulcan Strength.

Ursaluna I disregarded any qualms of time-related forms, so paradox pokemon and Hisuian pokemon were considered! This one was decided on with help from the lovelies of the McSpirk discord server! Spock has this pokemon as a reference to the sehlat of Vulcan. This is a pokemon he's had since he was a child, and it's shiny to boot. A unique pokemon to match a unique guy like him.

EXTRA: I think he'd raise an Abra at some point. I was torn between a Goodra and a Haxorus for him, I do think that they all have more than six pokemon, and that these are just the ones most commonly in their rotation. So maybe he does have a Goodra that stays on Vulcan or smth!

I also considered some Poison types for him, namely Roserade or Crobat!

I did consider giving him a Mewtwo. Genuinely.

I think his main pokemon would be Espeon or Ursaluna.

Kirk

Okay, Kirk was an interesting one. So far, I was able to pretty much make teams that I think could fit both AOS and TOS. However, Kirk gave me the most trouble with this. So of the three teams, I think this one is probably the one I'm not as certain on.

Charizard A classic pokemon, one that searches for challenges, and never attacks those weaker than itself. Its pre-evolution Charmeleon purposefully gets into fights, which I think fits AOS Jim pre-academy lol.

Sylveon The third eeveelution to evolve by friendship. Its pokedex entries talk of its ability to soothe conflicts with its calming aura. A very affectionaste pokemon, I see it being close with Bones and Spock's eeveelutions, and perhaps being the most outgoing of the three.

Scrafty "While mostly known for having the temperament of an aggressive ruffian, this Pokémon takes very good care of its family, friends, and territory." Suits the outer perspective of him, and I also think AOS Jim in particular would vibe with a Scrafty.

Dragonite LOOK AT IT. It's a kindhearted pokemon that always feels the need to help others, and frequently rescues others from drowning. Just a very Jim feeling pokemon to me, honestly. Also a classic.

Ampharos

Smth smth... Guiding light? Ampharos is known for the way it shines in darkness, and is known to be a beacon for the lost. Juat has the vibes of a Jim pokemon to me

Clodsire

"When attacked, this Pokémon will retaliate by sticking thick spines out from its body. It’s a risky move that puts everything on the line." Risky moves, you say? Well that definitely sounds like Kirk.

EXTRA

I think his main pokemon would be Charizard.

Was tempted to give AOS Jim a Cyclizar. Maybe he has one, and it's just not in his regular rotation?

I think at some point he'd at least befriend a Latios. "Latios will only open its heart to a Trainer with a compassionate spirit." - If it wasn't for Dragonite, Latios would be his dragon-type pokemon. And that goes for either version of him.

I was tempted to give him a whole Mew. Just for the fun of it.

Maaaybe maybe, Bones gifts him the Cubone-now-Marowak that he raised. And Spock gifts him the Abra-now-Kadabra he raisedm which evolves into Alakazam. Just maybe.

Bonuses

While I think all their Pokemon are more than happy to hang out, I think the eeveelutions in particular love being together. Find them in cuddle piles if they're not with their trainers.

In AOS I can see Bones and Spock raising a Cubone together.

While I was making these teams, I thought about how the Lake Trio from Diamond and Pearl suited them. Uxie, Mesprit, Azelf: Bringers and also erasers of Knowledge, Emotion and Willpower

#star trek #leonard bones mccoy #spock #james kirk #mcspirk

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