#my friend is on the verge of suicide and i cant do anything

[nosferatil]

Me when life throws yet another obstacle into my life but this time im traumatised and will never look at roadkill OR my dog the same again:

#i dont know what to do anymore #my friend is on the verge of suicide and i cant do anything #i feel sick and i dont think a shower will fix it #i cant wait to be home and hold my dog #she is never going outside again omg #if she jumps the fence i might actually 👢🪣

[buntistic]

i think what my ex did to me is beyomd fucking me over

were both survivors of similar things, except im free and they were still stuck with their family. we knew each other for around 6 months and started dating because one of my parts fell in love with theirs, we fell quickly and many of our alters ended up dating each other passionately but most importantly my system head genuinely trusted them, she wanted to see them free and to spend our kives together. we created a planfor them to leave their abusive family and fly over to us where we would get married so they could legally settle here. my whole family knew about this and were willing to welcome them into our home, my stepdad, mum and i were going to get uo at 4am and drive 2 hours to the airport to pick them up. ny parents who have no obligation to this internet stranger who they have never met, were willing to pick them uo and welcome them into our familt because they saw how much i loved them and MY MUM EVEN SAID WE COULD END UP MOVING OUT SOON!! me moving out was something that was never mentioned before because i cant live alone and she doesnt trust others to take for me. but anyway me and my other partner (who they knew about and were friendly with) and his partner (also now my partner) spent a lot of time and emergy creating an escape plan with all of our knowledge of these groups and general safety information. my system spent hours and stayed up past exhaustion comforting our ex and giving them our whole heart in hopes they will escape and we would be able to live our lives together, we had plans to financially support them until they could legally get a job which would've been rlly hard on our situation but we were willing to do anything to get our FIANCE! YES WE WERE ENGAGED!!!! to safetyn happiness, we found them a therapist which they would aee when they came here so they could start deprogramming properly.

but on the day they were to escape, some things went wrong but we actually managed to them sorted and the airport staff themselves helped them get a direct flight here rather than a layover when they missed their first flight, we had plans to fix everything that went wrong and me and my other partner were by their side the whole time, i was shaking and on the verge of an anxiety attack irl while they were at the airport but after they got their new ticket they stopped responding. they were gone. obviously i thought i would never see them again because yk these groups work that way, fucking hell being shot point blank at an airport would be so much less embarrassing than what they actually did. i was so unwell that night my partner had ti comfort me and stayed up until i went to sleep because he was afraid id kill myself.

while i was asleep my ex talked to my other partner and a mutual friend where they apologised FOR DISAPPOINTING THEM! but when we finally got talking they had to be TOLD to apologise to me for them to actually do it then not even 24 hours after they hurt me so badly (which they coupdnt even explain btw) they asked if i would still marry them and then called my system head being angry at them a punishment over something beyond their control. they called their father to pick them up. they didnt share the fact they had a previous escape attempt that didnt work. they didnt follow the plan we worked tirelessly on and perfected. And had the audacity to be angry at our system head for being rightfully betrayed. they kept guilt tripping and acting like they were the victim until they just straight up ignored us for days, knowing that was an extreme trigger. which lead to a suicide attempt that we had an ambulance come for because my mum was too terrified to drive us to the hospital. now i did lash out at them, but they also said repeatedly to tell them how i feel and called rightful anger a punishment, im not proud of lashing out n i did apologise for it which more than they ever did for fucking us over so badly. in fact several ppl told me that i wasnt mean enough, that i handled it so well for how badly they fucked me over. during pur final talk where i demanded closure, it took them being ASKED by a mutual friend (in the chat to keep things civil) to give a half assed apology. like how are you that bad of a person you cant even apologise for fucking over your fiance who you dreamed of spendimg your life with..

anyway im out of the severe depressie episode they caused me because i had my meds upped but our system head has not recovered and in fact has changed anlot since we last properly saw her shes locked herself away and doesnt trust anyone anymore

#traumadump #kinda #but im so mad at her #i was willing to forgive them after they disappeared at the airport #but the way they handled it afterwards was what made me realise how bad of a person they are #they also go by my name now #freak

[asrai-azurrcat]

tumblr lets you vent without anyone seeing so ig ill try?? but i dont rly have anything to vent just writing down.. things umm tw sh?? depression?? but not mine.

why is mental health in kids so bad- like as someone whos thirteen and has never had any issues other than the common insecurities, why are so many people my age suicidal for years?? like. i know a lot get bullied and then there's family problems, but then some people just have happy lives until the internet; and then place expectations on themselves and sh and then they start to have thoughts about dying- and they're only, what, ten? eleven? twelve? like, they're practically still children. not even teen. and as terrible as it sounds, i just cant understand, especially how theres a lot of other kids who think being depressed makes you cool and edgy and gets you attention so they start to pretend to be unhappy and then draw attention away from people who need it, and at this age you really can't tell those kind of people from the genuinely hurt ones. i made this mistake with my year 6 bsf, ill call her blossom. but like. she's basically perfect in every way: beautiful and one of the only people who don't pretend to be kind, they really are just. actually. so kind at heart. and especially now that she's moved away and then got her phone taken away, took a massive break from tiktok and her stupid fucking boyfriend and studied and now, shes even better. doing better. in year 6 especially id always find sh scars on her arm and she'd never stop, and she talked abt being depressed before but i never even believed her. i was such an asshole friend abt that. like trying to will her to 'stop pretending to be fucked up'- how can she even consider me a close friend to her now, still? i have a vivid memory of one of my friends puppy, looking at blossom closing the school scissors around her fingers and puppy saying, 'oh my god blossom, stop acting depressed', and then blossom just smiled and stopped and i as a really horrible friend internally agreed with puppy. like. im supposed to be there for her. im just so self-centred and pigheaded, and i was prancing abt the world with rose-tinted glasses, thinking. like. there's no way anyone my age can be depressed, thats bullshit! anyone doing it is doing it for attention. and i hate myself for failing blossom like that. and then when i found out her fresh scars and knew she was being real abt this, and i just tried to press her for answers, she wouldn't tell other than a vague answer that her parents always argued. and then id only find out a year later in high school after she moved away, from a fucking spotify playlist, that she didn't get along w her mom. meeting up w blossom again in this new year, and seeing her talk about a new boyfriend who isnt obese and chronically online like her ex, and studying and omitting swear words and reading classic books instead of manga. idk what i was feeling, but i just feel a bunch of regret that i didn't even help her at all when i was friends with her, closest with her, just focusing on myself and my social life and feeling sorry for myself. god i hate myself for not caring more about her.

and now in high school i meet a bunch of new people with puppy and eventually join a friend group i can stabilise on, have fun, make new friends, find shil. and shil is a mirror of blossom, like throughout the entire y7 i was just constantly thinking: oh wow, they both care a lot abt other people. they're both into genshin. they both need a therapist. they both have parents that are on the verge of divorcing. they both aren't straight (actually im not sure abt blossom's sexuality after coming out of her y6, is she still pan?) and i don't deserve either of them. shil is just. so, so friendly and nice, staying friends with me despite my terrible personality, but she has her own friends that she prefers more- two groups of them- and i dont have anyone now that cappu has left, so i always feel like im the one clinging onto her. and shil is also dealing with her stuff, like the shit that happened in her home country and then her parents aren't getting along, she's been bullied and manipulated as a child. i mean, at least she's confiding in me this time unlike blossom, so at least i know what she's going through. and she doesn't have sh scars on her arms but who knows?!! who fucking knows because arms arent the only place you can cut yourself and shil could just be hiding them. and the difference here is that blossom liked me as much as i liked her to the point we could say ily to each other (platonically, near the end of the year very few times but still it was there) and shil is.. more distant, because as much as she's opened up more to me than blossom has it's not even the tip of the mountain of things she's carrying around. and going to a top girl's school filled with smart people and asians, we're surrounded by people under pressure and as much as the teachers stress that the school counsellors are there barely anyone really goes there. but shil is, im glad she applied. she needs it. i don't want to be an asshole to her like a did to blossom. and i thought just occurred to me that, if i lose her, ill be alone in the school, so basically my thinking is just centred around me. self-pity. feeling sorry for myself. if i don't stop being this self-centred, it probably will happen.

and then again, im always judging everyone, which shouldn't be a problem until i go acting on my judgements, and then i make myself fall closer to the social rock bottom because those judgements are mistaken, and i just like to judge people by their outward appearance and personality. like what happened with blossom. i didn't even know bats was this depressed and sh'ed until i found her vent. i just assumed she liked s3x jokes, and they never bothered her. and J too. im confused about J, but J really is suicidal too, because i remember her sending a massive vent to cappu and cappu telling me abt it. and i sort of gave her a blind eye during the period last year when her social life was evidently down and mine was blooming, being an absolute fucking idiot stupid selfish asshole not talking to her enough until the end of the year when we went to the mall with patty everyday like a ritual, and she befriended lin, hitch and tee, and vali, and hy, but she still has no energy, and she looks really tired everyday and looks like she's not taking care of herself.

why are children getting depressed? why are twelve year olds and eleven year olds getting depressed? why are they unhappy with their lives, why are they getting anxiety and cutting themselves, why is the internet doing this to them? what's going to happen to our children's generation, will fucking toddlers commit suicide- i want to understand these people. i want to help them, i want to avoid being a bystander to their unhapiness when i could help and i want to never make the same mistake i did with blossom. i want to stay friends with shil. i want to make new friends, join a new friend group, other than the inner circle with puppy that talk about things i don't even know like taylor swift or boys they meet on snapchat. i want to stop being self-centred and selfish, because these days whenever i try to think about other people like this it always circles back to me

i hope no ones reading this lmao

[effervescent-fools-shadow]

Long vent ahead, tw for mentions of suicide

Love it when your angry and try to explain your emotions but then you start crying before you can explain your emotions so you get frustrated but then your parents ask why your sad and you try to explain to them that your not sad and just angry and frustrated but your crying so you can’t get anything coherent out so they keep asking you and you keep getting more and more frustrated so then you leave to calm down and they follow you and ask more questions and all you can do is tell them that you want to be alone and never end up being able to explain your emotions and then you get sad because you’ve never been able to explain how your mind or emotions work without crying. How tf am I supposed to tell them that how they interpret things completely contradicts how I actually feel if I can’t do it without crying. Which only leads to more misinterpretation. Is this even a normal fucking thing or was I fucked over for my entire life because of some brain development I never had any fucking control over? I don’t have any diagnosed disorder to blame this on and nobody ever understands what’s going on with me. I can’t explain myself and because of how frustrated I get I tell people to just not worry about it, and bottle it up. And even if I don’t try to bottle it up I can’t fucking cry. I have no other outlet and venting doesn’t actually help me express my emotions. I only vent to get some fucking advice only to get ignored by every single one of my friends. I’ve gotten more help from random internet strangers then my friends. I’ve gotten more help from fucking reddit. When I get frustrated or angry or sad or suicidal I can’t cry for absolutely no reason no matter how much I feel like I need to so I am FORCED by my own body to bottle it up. Meanwhile everyone else who thinks that they understand how I feel or what I’m going through tells me to just let it out or something like it’s just that easy. Like I should be able to do it on command. And when I can get express my emotions in a way that’s not sobbing it’s yelling at someone. I fucking hate it. I’ve lost multiple friends because I try to tell them how I’m feeling and no matter how many times I tell them they just don’t get it and I just. Yell? Why do I yell? What I say doesn’t make any logical sense when I do and all they were trying to do is help and yet I yell at them. I am such a genuine asshole and I have no idea how to fix myself, which just makes me more sad, angry, and frustrated which I again have no choice but to bottle up. It’s an endless cycle no matter how much I try to end it. Until a few months ago my mom has been telling me that the only person who has control of my emotions is me but realistically I am controlled by my subconscious. The literal voice inside of my head that has so much fun reminding me of what an asshole I am. I wish I was being metaphorical but I’m not. When I think, I think in my voice. And there’s another one of my voices, the one that reminds me of everything I’ve done wrong. I don’t wanna sound like I’m being edgy but that is the best and only way I know how to describe it. Because even when I’m not frustrated or angry, as long as I’m alone with my thought I’m sad because of that voice. I’ve been going through a loop of feeling constantly terrible since THIRD FUCKING GRADE. I HAVE WANTED TO THROW MYSELF OFF OF A BUILDING SINCE I WAS 6. THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON IT SHOULD BE THIS WAY. It is such fucking bullshit. There is no genuine reason for me to keep going. The economy is crashing, prices are going up and so is global temperature. The world is getting worse and by the time im an adult i might not have a chance to have a happy life. I’m verging on developing an ED because I constantly feel fat, AND ITS NOT EVEN MY FAULT. My body fat pools up in my gut and nowhere else. I CAN SEE MY FUCKING RIBS BUT I CANT GET RID OF THE FUCKING GUT. maybe if I worked out but I can’t even do that because I genuinely don’t have the time or energy. I wake up at nine and can’t muster up enough motivation to get up to get up until 30-60 mins later

#I ran out of fucking words oh my god #I might continue this in another post. this isn’t even half of what I’ve been bottling up for years. #vent

[meatlessmcmuffin]

#suicide tw #i guess yeah #i cannot stop thinking abt killing myself tonight and i have no one to talk to to calm #me down bc all my friends r hanging out together all day and night and i work all day and night but like #i want to die a lot and its rlly scary and idk what to do or say and i need my friends but im literally weighing them down #like it is actively an i convenience to be my friend #anyway! idk where i was going but like i cant stop thinking abt hurting or killing myself and i told my friends i was freaking out and they #ofc didnt say anything bc they r having fun together and that wld shit fuck the mood but i meed something but i cant talk to them again bc #illl feel worse bc they wont respond again bc they r having fun and im upset and jealous bc they get to have fun and i get to be suicidal #and on the verge of self harm and its upsetting me idk what to do abt it!!!

[ambitionsofcandlewax]

suicide talk, vent//

my closest friend literally just made a joke in passing ab how they tried to kill themself a few nights ago why is this always happening (not that im blaming/shaming them for it of course) but its always like yeah lol i tried to kms again lmao and they never tell me anything about it and it just feels like so weird the way theyre handling it like maybe dont send me screenshots of your search history where its all different searches for how to kill yourself and say somethings wrong. it feels so manipulative because if i ask whats wrong i get "its nothing lol just a joke" or they get mad and i have to apologize. on top of that, in the gc this happened in (me, the friend, and another person) they joked about it and the other friend was like referencing some inside joke they had from the night it happened? and i was just there like "what?? what are you ok?" why the fuck would u tell someone like them before me and expect me to laugh along like even if it was funny i dont get the joke? i feel so selfish for being so pissed off when they literally tried to off themself but maybe if theyd stop using their mental illness to manipulate me all the time i would know how im supposed to be handling this situation. "oh, did we ever tell montag about that?" no of course not because i dont joke about it i wanna make sure theyre okay first. so yeah go to the one whos just gonna make jokes about it with you before whos supposed to be your best friend youll never find support from them you never have. "ik what its about" well i dont and i dont find it funny i just wanna know that my friend is okay without being made to seem like im being jealous that i wasnt told. i dont care if you told him before me i want to know that youre ok what the fuck do you mean "fyi i didnt tell him before you". clearly you did if theres an inside joke? just let me help you you know thats all im good for thats the only reason im kept around, i listen to your issues but dont talk about my own (i run a yandere blog for fucks sake obviously no one listens to my issues) i just am so tired of giving and giving and giving but never getting so much as a thank you in return. im being shamed for trying to help and being made to seem like im jealous. "thats the last time, then, that ill try to help them" i say the same shit every time until it happens again and im bending over backwards to make things as right as i can when its clearly not wanted. im so fucking tired. IM WORRIED FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE RIGHT NOW, IM ON THE VERGE OF A PANIC ATTACK BUT YOURE TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD UPSET ABOUT NOT GETTING A TOY. CAN WE HAVE A SERIOUS DISCUSSION FOR ONCE YOU JUST TRIED TO KILL YOURSELF. I UNDERSTAND HUMOR AS A COPING MECHANISM BUT YOU NEED TO BALANCE THAT IM TRYING TO HELP YOU, YOU ASK ME FOR HELP BUT DONT ACCEPT IT, GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO SAY "I NEED HELP" IN EVERY WAY BUT DIRECTLY SAYING IT BUT THEN GET BITCHY WITH ME FOR WORRYING ABOUT YOU. again i obviously dont blame them for what happened but im so upset that im the fucking villain in this situation and its worded so messily here so u cant even tell anything actually happened because this is so all over the place but im just so done being treated the way i am for simply being worried about someone

#⇢ 🖤 ៸៸ VENTZ ꒦꒷꒦ ⌗ #not yan #dont rb this shit lol #long post

[oftheredmoon]

my abuser abused me. after 10 years i broke my silence and told my childhood friend. i didnt want justice or anything bc i didnt want to destroy my family, i just wanted to confide in my closest friend. she immediately ran around town and told everyone. 2 years later, i found out random people knew about my trauma and were threatening my abuser as well as on the verge of involving my family. so i lied. and said i lied about the abuse. a lot of people in town hate me. ex-childhood friend hates me and victimizes herself; everyone takes her side. my abuser hates me and rather than be grateful that i took one for the team (since we both know what he did) he uses it against me. tells me he hates me because “you know what you did” on party chat in front of the handful of people who still speak to me.

i can never confide in anyone about this due to cultural reasons. i’m stuck living in a looped hell. people think im some mentally ill wacko who went off the deep end and tried to drag innocent people down with me. i dont do drugs. i dont drink. i dont have an escape. i dont have friends anymore. suicide is not an option. confiding in people is no longer an option. coping mechanisms dont work anymore. self-harm never worked and just made me feel stupid. moving out/running away is not an option. therapy didnt help, neither did meds.

i think the most painful thing is the blatant fact that i will never truly be happy.

i’m expected to get married and have children. i want to get married and have children. but how am i supposed to let my husband lay a finger on me without screaming and crying? how am i supposed to explain that the reason i breakdown everytime he compliments me is because nobody has ever paid attention to me before? how am i supposed to be a good wife and have a good job when im completely talentless and stupid because i spent my whole childhood in a locked room neglected? how am i supposed to a healthy partner when the very thought of him becoming slightly annoyed with me or ignoring me is enough to send me into a psychotic breakdown? how am i supposed to explain why im so mentally ill? why i have psychosis, ptsd, depression, anxiety, adhd, and borderline personality disorder. why im constantly dissociating. how am i supposed to explain why im so physically ill? my heart, my blood sugar, my ulcers, the migraines, the potential cysts, crohns disease, the fact that i can hardly eat without throwing up, the fact that my body has dealt with so much stress that its already giving up at 20 years old. i could keep going, but i wont.

its getting hard to feel anything anymore. i’m no longer in touch with reality. when i try to think about myself my appearance, my name and all the things that once defined me do not come up. im hardly human at this point. i wake up, eat, stare at the wall for 8 hours, eat again, maybe do some homework, and play xbox for a few hours before my abuser inevitably makes a comment and i get triggered and leave before i breakdown in front of everyone.

“just tell ur future husband!!” cant, its not that simple, im not from the west.

“find a supportive/understanding man!!” see above plus: no man is going to put up with a complete emotional trainwreck who can hardly function: thats a receipe for creating a cheater.

“find a friend group that your abuser doesnt hang out with!!” cant, everyone hates me, this friend group is the most successful one ive ever had, im scared of making new bonds, theyll all leave eventually.

“make online friends!!” i have very negative experiences with online friends, id rather not.

“seek professional help!!” already tried, didnt work, they would call the cops if they knew half the shit that happened to me, therapy is not the solution to everything.

“why did u say u lied in the first place...?” bc my abuser going to jail/being confronted by all of this wouldve destroyed my family. i couldnt let that happen.

“why did u expect ur abuser to be understanding and grateful..? they’re an abuser lol...” bc after the whole thing blew up and everyone hated me, we had a mutual agreement and understanding to make it water under the bridge in order to protect our family. guess i was wrong to think he cared about them.

“what do u want me to say then lol... ur not willing to help urself” i cant help myself. “my hands are tied” is the biggest understatement of the century.

this post is not to find my cure. i didnt make this post because i want people in my dms showing me that they’re concerned.

if ur concerned about me harming myself, dont be. you have my 100% guarantee that i will not self-harm or attempt suicide. i gave up on that years ago.

this post is to vent.

this post is for people who are in similar situations as me. people who cant find a way out. people who cant turn to escapes such as drugs. people who protect their abuser whether out of love or for the sake of others.

you’re not the only one. i understand. i know. its hard. you’re drowning. no one will grab your hand no matter how much you reach out. in the rare cases that someone does come you pull away. you’ve lost the best years of your life to trauma and mental illness. it feels like theres no point. nothing helps. nothing works. you’re practically a zombie. you often trigger yourself to cope. you just want the pain to end. you dont want to feel anymore. you want to feel something. you dont want to remember. you want to be loved. you want a sign that you belong here. you want to enjoy life. you want to die. you’re afraid of living but you’re afraid of death.

i’m so sorry you’re hurt. i hope you find peace and salvation in a safe manner. i hope you heal and enjoy life to the fullest.

dont really know how to end this. i hope we’ll all be okay. i hope everyone whos been traumatized can find peace on earth. i hope breathing can start to feel a little easier. sorry this is so long. take care of yourselves.

#depression #traumacore #ventcore #Ptsd #Suicidal thoughts #depressing thoughts #venting #abuse #child abuse #anxiety #bpd #adhd #Suicide #borderline personality disorder #post traumatic stress disorder #Self harm #personal

[yourdadcosplay]

so i went to the mall with my friend today and we went to sephora (and im amab remember that it's important to the story) and well i didnt really expect to get anything there i mean im not exactly allowed to wear makeup because its for girls but i have a strong interest in it and the one time my sister put me in makeup was probably when i felt the most confident. anyway i came in here, keep in mind, i present kind of masculine bc my parents arent the most supportive. and the guy asked me what i was looking for and i didnt know what to say but we talked for a little bit and he helped me find some makeup i could use as like a beginners sort of thing and it made me really happy because im not allowed to wear makeup bc my mom is afraid of judgement and so i was so scared that hed judge me too but he helped me pick out the makeup i liked and he helped me set up a sephora account for the next time i come over there and when it came to the name part, i overshared a little bit about my gender identity but thats not the point, i told him i like to go by bat and he was just SO SUPPORTIVE omg he was like "thats such a cool name i love it" and it just made me so happy to hear someone use my correct name in person because my parents dont really do that and i wasnt used to it but it made me really happy to hear someone calling me bat like i was so happy i literally i was about to cry i had to like try so hard to hold back tears bc i didnt want him to feel bad for making me cry even tho it was happy tears. anyway im home now and im crying bc he was so sweet im not in a good place lately but he was just so sweet it made my day its been several hours now and i still cant stop smiling and i dont even think he knows how much that support meant to me like that was exactly what i needed right now and i doubt hell see this but if you happen to be that sephora employee in question i just want you to know that your support literally meant so much to me like i was so depressed i was on the verge of suicide but like your support just made me feel so good like i dont even think you understand how much it means to me. thank you so so much.

[sprngtmp0]

Soo, i thought i needed a place to vent this out and decided it has to be here. i tried talking this out to my mom but she disappoints me. So here it is.

My friend decided to commit suicide today. Fortunately, she's still alive. Our other friends near her rushed her to the hospital and have her treated. So far she is doing well.

So im here at home, no means to go there yet due to covid, no transpo or anything, worrying and somehow on the verge of crying. Mom asked why, and i told her. Instead of something encouraging, a get well, hope she was fine message, i got "she's too weak. Maybe she's really not a good person. Maybe she's really useless". She also mentioned "just give her money and leave her be. Dont go there, there is covid"

It got me on my nerve and i wanted to punch but bruuuhhh thats my mummmn. I stopped myself and ignored herr. I want to disown myself from herrr.

I cant believe people like that exist. I dontt know why they existed but they exist like f.ck.

She even asked, "if something happened to you, will you friend go some extra mile for you?". Ofcourse! I know they will!!! Its just, she frustrates me and makes me angry in all kinds of wayyyyssss. F.ck this day

#you okay? #deppresion #get well soon

[softly-mossy]

[[MORE]]

OKAY YEAH, ALRIGHTY? MAVERICKS BACK TO JANUARY 2019 LEVELS OF SADDNESS AND LONELINESS AND SUICIDALNESS AND GENERAL DISCONTENT WITH THE WORLD ONLY NOW ITS AMPLIFIED BY THE FACT THAT SO MANY MORE THINGS ARE WRONG IN THE WORLD AND IVE TRIED SO MANY OPTIONS TO GET BETTER AND THEY DONT WORK AND IM JUST ONE STUPID IDIOT THAT EXISTS. people will get over me. the already have. anf they should! they offer to help me and im so scared that if im blunt and honest theyre going to just go "oh thats a problem for the hospital and not me!" and just leave me so i push them away without meaning to. they dont deserve to have to worry about their idiot fucking "friend" harminf their idiot fucking self. so why not distance myself from people to make the whole thing easier? why am i trying to speak to anyone? why not just go dark, uninstall everything and wait a few days? what's stopping me? im a fucking coward thats whats stopping me. im worried about the "mess" afterwards. im worried about stupid shit like that. im just tired. im tired of being scared for no reason and lonely even though i have people constantly reaching out and just feeling stupid and worthless and hopeless and like theres no future for me besides being constantly on the verge of annihilating myself because im so discontent with how im living. "just change the way you think!" i CANT. I TRY. AND I CANT. BECAUSE THE STUPID NAGGING VOICE AT THE BACK OF MY HEAD DOESNT "GO AWAY" IF I TRY TO THINK LOGICALLY OR RATIONALLY. IT STICKS. AND IT SPEAKS AND SPEAKS AND SPEAKS AND IM SO TIRED OF TRYING TO SPEAK OVER IT THAT I JUST LET IT GO. I CANT GET IT OUT PROPERLY TO MY DOCTORS LIKE THAT. THEYRE LIKE 'oh schizophrenia?' no itz just me being my typical dumb self brandon. just commit me to the ward so they can take a glance and go "well you're a lost cause" and take our money and i can stay the same way i am because NOTHINGG HELPS ANYMORE and im SO TIRED OF GETTING MY HOPES UP FOR GETTING BETTER AND HAVING THEM FUCKING DECIMATED IN FRONT OF ME EVERY TIME. TRY A NEW MED, DO GROUP THERAPY, MEDITATE, THIS, THAT, WHY? NOTHIN MATTERS BUCKO! SUCK IT UP AND FACE IT! I DONT MATTER WHAT I DO DOESNT MATTER WHAT I THINK OR SAY OR WRITE OR WHATEVER DOESN'T MATTER SO WHY BOTHER WITH ANYTHING

#DONT @ EM IM FED UP AND JUST. lockinf myaelf ib my room for tge n8ght i guess. im sorry but holy shit man

[hmorris0712]

stay with me~ tyler joseph x reader

a/n: hey guys! i’m back with a short lil drabble to keep y’all entertained while i try to think of some new ideas 🤪✊🏻

warnings: tw?? (near-suicidal event)

your p.o.v.

that was supposed to be it.

you were supposed to have fallen off that rooftop.

isn’t that how gravity works?

apparently you were too caught up in your thoughts to hear the desperate calling of someone behind you, telling you to wait, to not step over that ledge.

but you did. and you should have fallen.

but you don’t.

instead of falling, you feel a hand grab hold of your wrist tightly, preventing your body from going over the ledge. you turn your head, face stricken with tears, at the person who prevented your plans from fulfillment.

it’s a man.

a young man. he looks to be in his early 20’s, only a little older than yourself. his eyes are full of worry and fear, the same fear that’s written all over his face. yet through that concern and fear, he seems oddly calm.

he stays in the position for a few seconds, holding onto your arm, chest heaving from the rack of fear that ran through his body before he caught you.

fresh tears start to trickle down your face as he slowly pulls you back onto the rooftop, a safe distance from the ledge. “why would you do that?” you croak quietly. he swallows nervously before speaking. “because you deserve a second chance.” he says, his hand still on your wrist, but not as tight.

you bite your lip as it quavers a bit. “a chance at what? there’s nothing left for me here.” you manage to choke out before beginning to slowly break down all over again.

the man moves his hand from your wrist to your own hand and gives it a small squeeze. “there’s so much more. trust me, i know.” he reassures you sweetly.

“do you really though?” you ask, somewhat bitterly. you don’t know why you became angry all of a sudden. “everyone always says they know what i’m going through, that they know my pain, but they don’t. they just feel bad for me. they don’t actually care for me, and i don’t believe you do either.” you spit out through soft sobs, looking at him through teary eyes.

“i understand more than you realize.” he says quietly. you shake your head, hot tears hitting your cheeks. “no, no you don’t. you couldn’t understand, i can’t- i cant just go back to my life! all my friends left me because they hate me, my boyfriend broke up with me because he hated me, even my own family hates me. the people i was raised with who are supposed to love me, even they turned on me. i don’t know what i did to make everyone hate me but they just do. there’s literally nothing left for me anymore, i have no one!” you yell as sobs rack your body and you cry into your hands.

“then stay with me.” he suggests timidly. he draws a long breath in. “i can be someone.” he says as he reaches toward you, causing you to look up at him. he retracts his hands and sighs, closing his eyes. “i’m sorry, that might be too forward. but if you want...if you’d let me.....” he opens his eyes again to see how you’re taking in his offer. you wrap your arms around yourself. “w-why would you care?” you say with a sniff, reaching a hand up to your face to to dry your cheek.

he hesitates a few seconds. “because i used to be in this exact same spot. not literally, but mentally. i came pretty close to ending it all myself.” he explains slowly, eyes watching you intently to make sure you don’t decide to do anything sporadic like turning and jumping off that ledge a second time.

each time he speaks and looks at you, you expect him to be cold like everyone else who’s spoken to you before, but he’s not. his eyes are warm and soft, and his voice is loving and caring, completely different than anyone else you’ve ever known or encountered.

you sniff and begin to wipe your eyes, guilt starting to settle within you. “i’m sorry i snapped at you.” you say weakly. he smiles, something you haven’t been shown in a long while. “it’s okay. i get it.”

you take in a breath and try to calm yourself a little. “how did you do it?” you look up at him with timid eyes. “make it through, i mean. what stopped you from...you know....” you add on, voice starting to waver as you near the verge of crying again.

“someone came along and helped me out of the hole i dug myself into.” he said, looking down at your hand, which had joined with his at some point, before slowly letting go of it, letting it drop to your side.

“and why are you here?” you ask, trying to blink back the tears that are threatening to spill over your eyelids. he smiles again and looks into your eyes. “to give you the chance to start over.” he states simply. you feel the tears start falling again. no one’s shown you anything remotely close to compassion in the longest time.

you don’t know what came over you, but you surge forward and cling to the man in front of you, gripping the back of his shirt as sobs rack through your body. his arms wrap around you in the most comforting way as you cry into his shirt, and for the first time in a very, very long time, you feel safe.

he smoothes your hair with his hand a few times before pulling back, smile still adorning his face. he extends his hand out towards you. “i’m tyler by the way.”

you wipe your face and dry your hands in your jeans. “(y/n).” you say as you shake his hand timidly. you sniff a couple times. “thank you.” you say to him. he shakes his head once. “don’t mention it.”

~three years later~

“do you, (y/n) (l/n), take this, tyler joseph, to be your lawfully wedded husband, in strength and in health, until death do you part?” the priest asks, smiling at you and your fiancé.

you smile, happy tears brimming your eyes. “i do.” you say, looking into the eyes of your almost husband. looking at them, you see immense joy reflected back at you, making your smile grow even more.

the priest then turns to tyler. “and do you, tyler joseph, take this, (y/n) (l/n), to be your lawfully wedded wife in strength and in health ‘till death do you part?” tyler squeezes your hands. “i do.” he states happily.

“then, i now pronounce you, husband and wife.” you laugh as a joyful tear cascades slowly down your cheek. tyler swiftly brings his hand up to your face and wipes it off with his thumb with a giggle himself. the priest smiles at tyler.

“tyler, you may now kiss your bride.”

and with those seven words began your happily ever after with the love of your life. the man who cared enough to give you a second chance, a chance to start over. you, of all people, a complete stranger at the time. and for some reason, he cared for you.

but you wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

end <3

#twenty one pilots #twenty one pilots fanfiction #twenty one pilots imagine #tyler joseph #tyler joseph imagine #tyler joseph x reader

[donotlookatmyface]

10 / 23 - 12 : 07 a.m.

i almost killed myself yesterday. it seems unreal, ive only told one person and he was upset. i felt bad, i didn’t think he really would care. i felt embarrassed for wanting to die and for saying something. hah, how fucked is that.

i was sitting in the floor of the bathroom, and had the razor in my hand, and placed it in my left wrist. i pressed. and i couldn’t go through it. i. wasnt thinking, i didnt care. because i know my actions lead to consequences. i kill myself, my family will be distrought and forget about me, my friends would react terribly but would find someone new, my coworkers would feel bad but i would be replaced. my father wouldnt feel too bad about not talking to me if i didnt exist.

funny thing is that the day before i talked to bunny about it, the suicidal thoughts and feelings. he means well, im sure. he thinks i need to occupy myself with more things, make more friends, get out my house. i told him that having more friends or goingout more would stop me from wanting to kill myself. when i called him i was in the verge of having an episode, and all i wanted was to talk to him. because he made me feel like he was the only one who could get my feelings. the one who didnt ignore the way i felt, and i was wrong. it felt as there was a space between us. as if i wasnt as important as i once was. of couse i would be lying if i didnt see this coming. he lives with his girlfriend who is of course much better to him that i ever was. and all i could do was cry on the stupid phone. just crying like the pathetic bitch i am. he doesnt care, he’s too busy with his life to have me in it. and i dont hold that against him of course. it just made me feel completely alone. he said its my responsibility to be able to go out, i said i go out with my family, he said my family doesnt get me. he said that i need more friends, i said that i have him and bee, he told me i need more friends than just them two. he told me if i wanted i could move in with the three of them with the house he got from his grandmother. ive only dreamed of moving out this shit hole, no privacy, ignorance of my condition, religion shoved down my throat, just not wanting to be here alive is the problem. help me please. i dont want to feel this way.

ive been wanting to kill myself for months now. and less than a week ago i stoped taking my meds. strangely instead of cutting my legs, my arms were the ones being cut. instead of crying i laughed looking at the scars. i burned myself today and stabed my wrist multiple times with a needle just to feel anyhting.

and all i can do now is cry. because i just want to be happy. i want things to not be like this. i dont want to be like this. i want to be normal.

i want to tell bunny that these thoughts aren’t because i dont know what to do with my life its because i hate being alive, i cant find myself and i hate myself for it.

i even started wondering what my family would do with my my clothes, my money, my sketchbooks, my bed. who would come to my funeral ? what would i be wearing, or what picture would they put next to me. what kinds of flowers would they use, would they tell my online friend, would they find this blog ? would bunny feel anything ? would my father come ? what kind of songs would they play ? what would be the feeling of losing me ?

if theres any life after death, or is there nothing ? will i be in peace or would i regret it ? i hate myself for even wondering these kinds of things. i find it sad that as much as i say how much i dont care about anyhting i still womder how people would react to me being gone.

i like to think everyone would miss me, and that i would be a whole that will never be closed. and that people will remember me as a person that was good.

i dont want to think like this anymore. all it makes me do i self harm and cry.

[labr4t]

long fucking mental health rant just dont recommend reading unless you really want to read like a short stories worth of suffering

i feel so guilty sometimes for not doing shit w my life because i was the first in my family to graduate hs in awhile and they all expected so much of me but here i am completely disconnected from all ambition i ever had younger me had so much hope and strength i no longer have she went through so much and i've never processed it all for fear of breaking i have a fucking breakdown if its too bright or i'm tired i dont even fucking remember most of my childhood or adolescence i dont fucking remember anything and i'm scared of remembering i just fucking crumbled under the weight of years of expectations and dreams  that i'm more childish than i was when i was an actual child. Its so pathetic if you think about it i was so capable and strong and its all fucking gone. I remember some pretty bad memories and the good memories i have all have this weird looming sense of dread attached to them i feel like there’s parts of me that i've totally cut off and destroyed just to cope with myself and how disappointed in myself its so fucking hard kind or loving without feeling like i'm being manipulative to make people like me. I try to put out that i dont care that i'm fucking abhorrent to people and i'm a fuckign asshole but i just wish i was born fucking normal i wish i could process things without being on the verge of being suicidal whenever i remember something harrowing i have fucking FAKE MEMORIES like what the fuck is wrong with me i have lied so much about myself because i DONT KNOW WHO I AM   while a lot of horrible shit has happened to me and i never had much friends i have come up with shit to try and rationalize why i'm so broken and cruel while also simultaneously being  fragile and needy and i just want validation after validation even if that means practically begging for people to talk to me or care about me because i have this fucking bitch in my head that tells me everything i've worked for in my life doesnt mean anything unless people think it does. There’s basically more than one of me at this point that i use to get the best reception.   The only people that i dont lie to are the people who know me too well. The people who see me and hear me that iCANT  lie to because it’d be obvious i'm being someone i'm not . and do any of those people like me very much? Probably not. At the most they pity me. The only things i know about myself are what people tell me literally most of my memories are just what i've been told. I don't feel like I was there for any of that. I've lost so many people that were close to me, THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO WERE WILLING TO GET CLOSE TO ME, mind you,  because i'm sure they were tired of me, and my bs. And i'll admit it , i  manipulated a couple of them a bit here and there and i've always took more than i gave and i feel so fuckign bad about it but i cant love people normally i'm all fucked up inside now and i'll never get those friendships back because i'm a liar and a freak and i've been so evil over the past few years and honestly i understand that a lot of ppl find me irredeemable because its fuckign true i’d always find myself getting jealous of the friends and love they had from others. How much better they were than me. Skinnier, nicer, more skilled, and more socially competent. I wanted to steal that from them. I wanted their full attention and care no matter what i had to say or do to myself. Sometimes love isnt enough for me and i want more and more and more until i've taken all i can get away with and they abandon me because i'm so much of a pain to be around because i would belittle them for their interests because i didn't want to them to have any i didn't or in anyway be able to get away from me. Of course thats fucked up that s wrong but i just always feel so empty. I don't feel like there’s anything inside of me. No personality, nothing. Not a lot of memories, just the hunger and need to feed off others for attention and love. I literally cannot handle being alone in any capacity and yet i fucking hate  being around others if that makes it so i feel alone around others. I want whoever i'm around to be  acknowledging me and me only or else i feel slighted for no reason. I'm just empty and broken and i cant fix myself and because i've always felt this way and its just eaten everything up that i had inside of me at this point. I dont know whats wrong with me. I dont think its just depression or anxiety the doctors pin on me. I've hurt people. I've hurt myself and thats not good its so awful awful awful and i  dont know what to do with myself anymore and i'm scared and worried about the future because who knows how fucking sick i'll become or how bad itll be and i just want to know but i know i'll never get a helpful answer where i am rn so i guess i'll suffer a bit or even forever i know its improbable but i'm sorry if i've ever hurt you or scared you or manipulated you and you dont have to accept it but i just can’t rationalize in the moment and then its too late after i've recognized what i'm doing and its wrong i know but i cant help myself … i dont know where i'll be in the future but hopefully i get help because i can barely handle myself anymore

#plz dont reblog thx #vent #longvent #im having an identity crisis

[transdib]

i just wanna…complain a bit here but im hesitant to cuz when i talk about my head stuff and wellbeing theres always someone who stumbles into my ask box criticizing me but whatever

just had my first appointment with a psychologist about gender transition and im…..unhappy? i mean if this is the shit you have to go through to transition then bloody hell are the people who got through it are strong

firstly i was talked over and did more listening than explaining. she kept making assumptions and kinda acted like i SHOULD be saying yes to them.

she just….had a lot of generally shitty views. she kept basically saying “pronouns are too confining cuz im just me ^_^” and she even said similar about autism (cuz i had to talk about my family and that came up). shes like “what even is autism anyway ya know? it’s just a collection of traits ppl have. YOU could even be on the spectrum” and basically alluding to that whole “everyone is kinda autistic” BULLSHIT. made me super uncomfortable.

she asked me if i had any support networks and i explained i get a lot of support online. i was going on to say i get lots of rl support but she cuts me off and goes into this ramble about online not being validating enough cuz u NEED rl support. after her rant i kinda defensively said i have a good rl support network. didnt even get to explain WHO cuz she kept fucking interrupting me with her bullshit.

then i had to give a brief timeline of my life and of course that means talking about dad. she asked if i had any suicide attempts which i stupidly said yes. she keeps relating my experiences to “oh yeah lots of trans ppl have had this happen….father issues among transmen is very common” and im like…what are u getting at. ugh. i explained one of my suicide attempts that was inspired by my older brother’s attempt method. she said i was being a bit of a copycat cuz i saw bro do it and she trivialized it to “playing chicken with a train” and “would you even count that as a suicide attempt?”

also she kept going on about how the brain isn’t developed until 22 years old and then kinda used that as an excuse to start talking about how young trans people are …..god idk?? she basically said “in the 70s it was punk….these days it’s gender haha” kinda like a statement?? that pissed me off. got to the point where i felt like i had to add in exaggerated anecdotes about my childhood to even SEEM VALID. all what i said was true, just exaggerated.

i didn’t tell her about my bpd out of fear, but she mentioned bpd at one point basically saying “ppl like that have identity issues so we’re hesitant to let them medically transition”

then it got really fucking awkward when i was talking about my depression and how much better im managing it. i mention i have ambition and hope for the future, which is different to a few years back. she asks what things make me hopeful, i tell her my partner (we talked about him before this but i’ll explain this soon), my friends, the idea of gender transition, making a living, etc. then she’s like “if gender was taken out of that mix, would u still be hopeful?” and im like “uhhhh….i mean…life would be harder for me but i could get by…i just dont see myself in a future without transition…im tired of living like this” and then shes like “thats a bit of a red flag. are you saying you’d kill yourself if you didnt get to transition?” (we had just been talking about suicide) and im like….legit shocked. im like “no??” and then had to spend 5 minutes, nearly on the verge of tears, trying to explain that that’s not what i meant. she said that that’s the WRONG reason to want to transition and puts pressure and manipulation on her to approve it. i said thats not what i meant and that i find the “lemme transition or i kill myself” thing wrong.

so that made me feel extremely fake and manipulative and awful lmao

and earlier before this convo when she asked what my support networks were, i FINALLY got to explain i have a lot of rl friends and roommates and honestly the only prominent online support is from my partner since he’s from the uk. this turns into a running convo that appears throughout the session about internet safety. she questioned “but how is that even a relationships, like what do u do?” and then i shyly say that we talk on skype/video chat almost daily and then she goes on this spiel about “people on the internet can make themselves out to be like anything they want to be to appeal to you” and i got super defensive. i said i trust him and i know what im on about. she asks how long we’ve been dating (there goes my wanting to tell her it’s a qpr) and i exaggerated AGAIN saying weve been friends for 2 years and been together 6 months. lets not forget when i finally tell her about my mum and shes like “did u seek out your relationship with your partner after your mums death? did u get attached bc of that?” and then she said some other shit about autism that i dont even wanna talk about on here.

and oh goddddd what else.

OH YEAH i had to tell her about my abuse history and by extension mums and she basically asked “how do u know youre not being abused by this partner in the uk?” following her logic that im doomed to be abused just because mum was and i have been in the past.

and then as i left she kept stressing that i need to get approval by other doctors saying im emotionally stable and not at risk of suicide bc hormones can fuck u up. and yeah ok fair enough. i tell her im very in touch with my emotions and she says back “well if you’re reading them properly”

who fucking knows anymore.

lady, you’re trans so you know better than anyone else what dysphoria feels like. you talked 80% of the time for an HOUR. you DON’T KNOW who I AM. you do NOT know SHIT about me or my struggles or the fact that ive been ACTIVELY WORKING ON MY MENTAL ILLNESS FOR YEARS. (OH AND ACCORDING TO HER “MENTALLY ILL” IS A PROBLEMATIC TERM CUZ ???? WHY??)

and i cant even use my psychiatrist to write a letter saying im stable and ready for transiton cuz earlier to-fucking-day he told me i should hold off transition until my bpd is under control and that it’s not smart to pursue it. oh and also he put me on medication. :)

yeah uhhhhhhhh…..i think i know myself better better than anyone. im not coming into this expecting transition to be easy. dont even think i was oblivious to how emotional it can be. it’s fucking awful. i know this. ive had literally 3 different doctors tell me “OOOOOO YOURE EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE TRANSITION ISNT A GOOD THING YOU PROBABLY JUST CONFUSED” and im like….yeah…..definitely confused after all these years. definitely. it’s not like i  stayed trans even after all this shit or anything. gender psych wants me to “unwrap” my sexual trauma so she can….idfk….deem me really trans or some shit.

how the fuck do people deal with professionals. ive had small doses of this sorta shit my entire counseled life, always trivializing my symptoms to just being “stressed”. i wasnt believed about my symptoms besides depression+anxiety for YEARS…and now that im finally opening up about my bpd and gender stuff, im getting this intense dose of professional bullcrap and im already sick of it.

gender psych interrupted me and condescended me the entire time. shes so fucking ableist ESPECIALLY towards autistic people (and once again my allistic privilege played a part cuz i can only IMAGINE how differently that appointment wouldve gone) and seems very technophobic, or at least against the way things are these days with LDRs and young trans ppl.

whatever. lets hope next session wont be so fucking messy.

#life of doge #suicide - #dont come running to my inbox lecturing me either cuz im actually pissed #gender -

[beastking-golion]

.

#vent post watch out boys #this one just says too much n idk i still wanna talk im just gon be real quiet #someone: * dislikes somethig i like * my stupid depressed brain: we are now worthless trash all we do is dissapoint stupid stupid idiot kid #fellas be trying to enjoy stuff but my friends actively speak against that shit n thats fine i just wish it werent so harsh #its not their fault its mine for taking it so personally so yeah but whatever anyways #a friend keeps jokingly mentioning suicide n aside from the fact that those jokes arent funny its been really hard for me to handle #just around this time last year ( and for the many before it too sadly ) i was on the verge of killing myself n just i cant stand thinking #about it #because then it reminds me why i wanted to die and with my depressed state rn thats the last thing i need #im on my meds i promise but the brain is a powerful thing #i keep getting these memories of cutting myself and it just freezes me up and i cant breath or do anything n it fucking sucks #i coukdve chose to never be like this to never hurt myself but i did and its too late because now im fucking stuck forever n just #idk idk i hate gettig all yhese memories blasted in my face #i wont kill myself that i can promise im just my miserable self loathing self rn #this always happens i feel good for a while n i feel brave then suddenly it all crumbles and im left as empty as before #GEEZ ME SHUT UP DAWG PEOPLE AINT ON UR BLOG FOR UR VENTS #im just gonna have some dinner and rest #dex vents #tag post #trigger warning

[beeapocalypse]

watch in awe as local arizonan teen becomes a dictionary definition example of why the education system is a machine that stomps down on anybody outside of their idea of ‘right’ and has no care for mental health!

#our school doesnt even have a goddamn therapist man! you read all those websites abt like #what to do as a teenager when youre in an abusive home or dealing w suicidal ideation or anything along those lines #and theyre all like 'tell a trusted adult like your school counselor!!!!! :)' #the closest there is @ my school is the psych teacher and when i hinted at my own Bad Thoughts she told the principle who called my mother #which was very lmao!!!!!!!!!!!! very nice to deal with!!!!!!!!!! #you can start crying right in front of a teacher while talking abt your parents and Repercussions youre going to have to deal w #and they wont blink a goddamned eye!!!!!!! what the fuck!!!!!!! teachers are the main contact w adults outside of their parents #that students get and that is something BIG teachers should know how to fucking recognize signs of abuse and that sort of thing #the only goddamned teachers there who i care abt and feel cared for by is the gsa leader and my creative writing teacher #everyone else? no! its all shitty small things that they dont really fucking care abt #or if they do it is POORLY done like on a GOD TIER SHITTY level #math studies teacher asked in front of my entire goddamned class if my home situation was alright and just stared as i floundered #i just. feel so fucking cut off from everything and everyone man i feel like im drifting through life #i dont know how people dont look at me and think 'christ! that man is a danger to himself hes on the verge of doing smth stupid+needs help' #and i KNOW its stupid and shitty and attention seeking of me but. i just want to be noticed i want to be cared for by SOMEBODY man #i want to feel like i dont have to answer w 'fine' anytime somebody asks me how im doing bc they just meant it as a formality #i want to be able to talk to my friends without fear of bringing down any moods or anything #but i cant have that! ive lost all actual real connections w my friends theyre just people i sit w and make bad jokes w theres nothing deep #nothing deep ingrained no emotional connection anymore but there USED TO BE and then it just. went away. #i miss them i miss them so goddamned much and it hurts bc theyre within reach theyre THERE and i cant reach out to them