#my family thinks i'm just a nuisance they really do they want me gone they hate me so much just like they always have

[edenmemes]

red dead redemption 1 starters

❝ it’s wanting that gets so many folks in trouble. ❞ ❝ it ain’t no secret i didn’t get these scars falling over in church. ❞ ❝ if you win power, remember why you wanted it. ❞ ❝ you do a man wrong, he’ll shoot you for it. you do a man right…well, he still may shoot you for it. ❞ ❝ trust me. there’s things you’re better off not knowing. ❞ ❝ you remind me a lot of myself. how i used to be. stubborn and angry. ❞ ❝ i hope you will give me some warning if you get the sudden urge to kill me. ❞ ❝ my side wasn’t chosen. my side was given. ❞ ❝ a little sore, but apart from a couple extra scars, it will be as nothing happened. ❞ ❝ i don’t think you’re a bad person. a little stupid perhaps, but not rotten. ❞ ❝ i certainly don’t mind you asking, if you don’t mind me not telling. ❞ ❝ you are being deliberately obscure as a substitute for having a personality. ❞ ❝ so do tell me, have you needlessly risked your life since we last spoke? ❞ ❝ i came into this world fighting. and i’ll go out of it fighting. ❞ ❝ i hear you speak and suddenly i'm reminded of how the people i respected most in my life had a problem with authority. ❞ ❝ you're looking much better. considering you were almost buzzard food a couple days ago. ❞ ❝ power is like a drink. the more you have, the more you want. ❞ ❝ people don’t forget. nothing gets forgiven. ❞ ❝ sometimes in the service of what is right, you got to do terrible things. ❞ ❝ you have quite a story. i really am a little jealous. ❞ ❝ old friends make the worst enemies. ❞ ❝ i had everything, and gave it up in the pursuit of nothing. ❞ ❝ hah. you were always bad at lying. ❞ ❝ i’m not going to stand by and watch good people suffer. ❞ ❝ some trees flourish, others die. some cattle grow strong, others are taken by wolves. some men are born rich enough and dumb enough to enjoy their lives. ain't nothing fair. you know that. ❞ ❝ if you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging. ❞ ❝ now, if you don't mind, i'd hate to spoil such a beautiful afternoon on such beautiful land with any further unpleasantries. ❞ ❝ i, too, have a family, friend. and so that we may see our families again i suggest we part ways amicably. ❞ ❝ sometimes i tell myself that everything happens for a reason. ❞ ❝ i see the good in everybody. it’s a flaw of mine. ❞ ❝ well, try not to get yourself killed. ❞ ❝ see if you can keep your gun holstered for once. ❞ ❝ i don’t pay much attention to rumors. ❞ ❝ i swear, if it was down to me, i’d never have gone anywhere. ❞ ❝ lock all the doors. whatever happens, don’t come outside. you hear me? whatever happens. ❞ ❝ what would you care? i’m just a nuisance to you anyway. ❞ ❝ i’ve been hearing some things about you. ❞ ❝ i would rather be dead than a cynic like you. ❞ ❝ damn, a little gratitude wouldn’t kill you. ❞ ❝ trust me, i ain’t no hero. ❞ ❝ as it turns out, it's you or me. the way i see it, might as well be you. ❞ ❝ you live in a dream world. it ain’t like they tell it in books. ❞ ❝ i’m asking you to do what i say, before you get yourself killed. ❞ ❝ those who sit on the fence make a choice…in their own way. ❞ ❝ i’d do anything for you, you know that. ❞ ❝ better watch your mouth, my friend. i've cut out a man's tongue for less. ❞ ❝ there's nothing worse than a nobody thinking he's a somebody. ❞ ❝ you got it all wrong. i’ve always loved you, even now. ❞ ❝ what the hell were you thinking, going off on your own? ❞ ❝ first impressions are hard to erase. ❞ ❝ it’s a long story. too long to tell without a drink in my hand. ❞ ❝ i’m not angry. i’m disappointed. ❞ ❝ you know me. i’ll be late to my own funeral. ❞ ❝ that tone of voice ain’t so becoming on you. makes you seem all pent up and angry. ❞ ❝ you think i don’t know who you are. ❞ ❝ why don’t i get a warm and tender embrace? ❞ ❝ what do you want me to say? yippee? ❞ ❝ there’s always a choice. you’re just too blind to see. ❞ ❝ you’re not ready for that yet. one step at a time. ❞ ❝ every time you go off, i worry you’re not coming back. ❞ ❝ it didn’t have to be this way. ❞ ❝ come on now. try to look on the bright side. ❞

❝ after all i taught you…i’m ashamed. ❞ ❝ it’s easy to make promises you can never keep. ❞ ❝ we all make mistakes. i never claimed to be a saint. ❞ ❝ how does it feel to kill hundreds of men in cold blood? ❞ ❝ it ain’t the first time i had a gun to my head. ❞ ❝ you’re not perfect, and i’m sure not. but you’re better than they are. ❞ ❝ you alright? you’re not hurt, are you? ❞ ❝ this really couldn’t have gone more horribly wrong. ❞ ❝ you’re just like me. you can’t change who you are. ❞ ❝ my whole life, all i ever did was fight. ❞ ❝ you’re in no position to make demands. ❞ ❝ the bright side? there ain’t no bright side. ❞ ❝ my heart’s beating like a drum. ❞ ❝ are you sure you’re alright? i mean, i know all that business must have been hard on you. ❞ ❝ you’ll make me blush with all these kind words. ❞ ❝ i never took you for the jealous type. ❞ ❝ come now, you’re stupid, but you’re not that stupid. ❞ ❝ you’re weak. you always were. you never had the stomach for this. ❞ ❝ seems real quiet, don’t you think? ❞ ❝ you were always a hard and nasty man. ❞ ❝ see, i have nothing but your best intentions at heart. ❞ ❝ don’t talk about things you don’t understand. ❞ ❝ i guess there’s only one room for one hero in this family. ❞ ❝ for a wise man, you are a really stupid man. ❞ ❝ what would have happened if i hadn’t come along? ❞ ❝ you must have mistaken me for someone else, friend. ❞ ❝ you ain’t very talkative, are you? ❞ ❝ we cannot be too careful. the world is very dangerous. ❞ ❝ no, i’m not okay. do i look like i’m okay? ❞ ❝ you are so tense all the time. come, let’s have some fun! ❞ ❝ i will stay and fight. i am ready to die if necessary. ❞ ❝ i know i can’t change the past but i’m sure gonna do something about the future. ❞ ❝ i’ve given you no reason not to trust me. ❞ ❝ choose your tone rightly. remember who you’re talking to. ❞ ❝ there are guards everywhere. if they see you, they will kill you. ❞ ❝ it was nothing. i’m not a kid any more.❞ ❝ a lonely, forsaken place. some people say it’s haunted. ❞ ❝ i’m not sure your idea of paradise and mine are the same. ❞ ❝ maybe if you were more cordial to folks, they’d be better inclined to help you. ❞ ❝ i’ve been in far worse situations. ❞ ❝ you have the exterior of a violent man, but the soul of an angel. ❞ ❝ you’re not gonna pass out on me, are you? ❞ ❝ you’re no better. how many men have you killed? ❞ ❝ stay alert. something doesn’t feel right. ❞

❝ i'm going to hand you over to them and watch them tear you limb from limb…i'm just kidding. ❞ ❝ you love to talk badly of other people because it makes you feel better about yourself. ❞ ❝ it’s been a pleasure spending time with you. ❞ ❝ that’s a lot of sacrifice. i just hope it’s worth it. ❞ ❝ i’m not cut out for this. no, not cut out for this at all. ❞ ❝ i don’t need you to show me. ❞ ❝ men are born, and then they're formed. at least, that’s how i see it. ❞ ❝ a little flattery…now we’re finally getting somewhere. ❞ ❝ i thought you were supposed to be fearless. ❞ ❝ you are a man who has lost his spirit. ❞ ❝ if you were less secretive, people might be more inclined to trust you. ❞ ❝ me mean me no harm? this is funny. what harm could you do to me, exactly? ❞ ❝ come on, after everything we’ve been through, i think we can trust each other, don’t you? ❞ ❝ i can’t rightly believe it. just like in the books. ❞ ❝ i didn’t ask for your help back there. i owe you nothing. ❞ ❝ be careful. what’s stopping me from killing you? ❞ ❝ one day, i promise you, you’re gonna regret this. ❞ ❝ you know i’ll do whatever i can, but i have problems of my own. ❞ ❝ what would you know about leadership? ❞ ❝ you make a choice by not making a choice, you know. ❞ ❝ hold your excuses until you figure out which one to use. ❞ ❝ i'll give you a bad case of "someone just shot me in the head" if you don't hurry up. ❞ ❝ being honest though, this tastes bad enough to kill a man. ❞ ❝ do i look like i need saving? ❞ ❝ sarcasm should be beneath a man such as you. ❞ ❝ are you always this stupid or are you making an extra effort today? ❞ ❝ i don’t like to kill a man on his knees, even if he deserves it. ❞ ❝ don't forget you need me more than i need you. ❞ ❝ i’ll hunt you to hell and back. ❞ ❝ you’d best not be lying to me. ❞ ❝ let's get going. before the weather gets any worse. that sky don't look good.. ❞ ❝ thank you for telling me all that back there. it must have been hard for you. ❞ ❝ i know we ain't exactly old pals, but…have i ever done you wrong? ❞ ❝ your nobility's almost as affecting as your naivety. ❞ ❝ you are a romantic who wants to be a cynic. ❞ ❝ i apologize if i seem to be prying. ❞ ❝ strange place for a decent person to visit, if you don't mind me saying. ❞ ❝ well, you must admit…it's an unusual start to a friendship. ❞ ❝ i can’t really say i understand you. ❞ ❝ every man has a right to change, a chance of forgiveness. ❞ ❝ hello, old friend. it’s been a long time. ❞ ❝ i hope you understand now why i've been playing my cards somewhat close to my chest. ❞ ❝ nobody made my path but me. ❞ ❝ it’ll be a piece of cake. trust me. ❞ ❝ oh, don’t be so deliberately enigmatic. ❞ ❝ my word, what a difficult life you’ve lived. ❞ ❝ you have a strange sense of humor. ❞ ❝ stay and fight me, you coward. ❞ ❝ i ain't planning on staying very long. ❞

#rp meme #rp starters #roleplay starters #roleplay meme #im sORRY some of the text is refusing to stay small

[f0point5]

What's your silly season prediction? I have been thinking bc to me there's no way Carlos doesn't have a seat for next year.

So we know that Lewis/Charles are in ferrari and Mclaren have their drivers locked down.

I think mercedes is gonna take Checo. Why? first they don't have the car to be breaking others drivers contract, they need a midfield that can help George but still be good at getting points, I feel Checo is better in a top car but not the top car. They need someone who bring some marketing, they are gonna take a blow now that Lewis is gone but Checo have the North America audience and is probably the driver that brings more money beside Lewis. I don't feel Kimi is ready for a Mercedes seat yet, Checo is old enough to retire when he's ready.

That leaves the RBR seat free, the obvious choice would be Carlos, I was very on board with this till the whole Horner mess and realized how messy Jos is and still have some power within the team so I bet he won't let Carlos get that seat lol. My bet is on Fernando then, I know Markos don't want him but Horner will, no way Daniel is getting that seat sorry.

So then Carlos to AM with Lance, hopeful it gets better and he can fight for podiums at least, he really deserves a top seat.

Zhou stay with Sauber but Bottas is gone, I'm not sure they would take their academy driver so my bet is Nico, he's wanted by Audi so he's just getting in one year early.

Haas stay with Magnussen because they won't have two rookie but Ollie gets the other seat.

Yuki stay and Daniel is out, Liam get his seat.

Williams stay with Albon, the other seat I'm not sure... I feel Kimi should do another year in f2 but Toto may get cocky and get him the seat. If not they would get maybee Gasly, I feel he wants out of alpine and this is the best he can get.

Alpine stay the same if Gasly doesn't leave, if he is gone then they are getting one of their academy drivers maybe Jack.

I agree with a lot of what you’ve said.

However, based on how things stand now, i think RB will resign Perez. They don’t need any more damn upheaval and he is delivering right now, as well as not making a nuisance of himself.

I think a lot of this hinges on Kimi and how he does in f2 and how much testing they are able to get him. But lets say he ends up needing another year in f2.

I think Alonso to Merc, and Carlos to AM. Alonso is not happy with the performance of the car, even Krack said it, he doesn’t want to drive in 10th. Toto likes a proven entity and Alonso is certainly that. But the other thing about Alonso, he’s old. He’ll take a one year contract because he doesn’t know how long he wants to do this, and Toto doesn’t have years to be offering, because he has to keep the seat warm for Kimi. You could say Carlos is ideal for Merc because there’s only one year until Audi comes in, but i have a sixth sense that Carlos would either want to bed down at Merc, or not go there at all. So I see Alonso to Merc on a one year contract, and Sainz to AM to hedge his bets on staying there if Daddy Warbucks manages to produce a good car, or switching to Audi if it’s the trenches.

On RBR, I don’t think anyone over there wants to add the sainzs to the list of obnoxious families involved in whatever is going on over there. And I don’t think they want to be playing games with Alonso either. They want to let Max do what Max does with minimal interruptions and as fun as Fernando is I don’t think his antics would be washing over there. I think Horner has lost too much pull over there to be making waves. He’s survived the assassination attempt but at the cost of realising he is ALONE in that garage. I don’t think he’ll be willing to stir up any animosity from Jos or Helmut by trying to bring back Daniel. And with Daniel’s performance he has no leg to stand on.

Yuki is a lock until 2026 which means Daniel is out and Liam is in (I think Liam has already signed).

Agree that Bearman and KMag will be the lineup for Haas.

Would love to see a whole new lineup for Sauber, but unlikely. I think they’re just as likely to stick with Zhou and Bottas as to get rid of them, because I think Audi will want a totally new lineup In 2026 anyway. I’m not sure what the pipeline is like for Sauber if Ferrari academy drivers go to Haas. Would not be surprised at all if it was Nico, I’d like to see him stay on the grid. Wouldn’t be surprised if it was Daniel, as an Audi audition and for the marketing.

I think Alex has one more year on the contract at Williams so he’s locked in. Sargeant definitely gone. I don’t know who else is in the Williams academy so can’t say who will get the seat. I am very skeptical about Kimi getting it. I think it will take James Vowles having NO other option before he takes on a Mercedes’ junior. I don’t think it’s unlikely that Kimi will go straight to Merc in 2026 (or 2025 honestly. They could use it as a test year for him if they are just giving up on the current regs). But yeah I see another rookie at Williams. Unless they get a hint that Alex is leaving…in which case they’ll be scrambling for someone with experience but idk who they will find. I don’t think they’ll take Gasly with that attitude of his.

I see alpine sticking with the baguettes. Maybe they dump Pierre but that’s a big maybe because the heck else are they going to get? Doohan doesn’t seem like he’d do a better job and their car is so bad a rookie might not even be able to keep it out of the wall. If they don’t improve the car, I see them sticking with the current lineup.

So yeah I mostly agree. But I’m just SO excited to see a couple of rookies on the grid, and Liam too.

#f1 #formula 1 #Carlos sainz #Alonso #kimi antonelli #ollie bearman

[focsle]

You've expressed this sentiment before, so I'm not sure how to start this ask. I've been catching up on Mr. Havilland (he's my age! As are many of the other whalers whose journals you read) and it made me think of that post of yours, on how whalers would write down the names of other deceased whalers, even those they never sailed with, just so they wouldn't be completely forgotten, and a lot of what you do feels like that. I know some of them didn't want their journals read, and you didn't publish them and I think that was a good idea, but it's so crazy to go around thinking about some lad from 18xx doing this or that and then just disappearing, god knows what happened to him, and more than a century later here we are, on other continents, living a completely different life, thinking about them. And crazier still when they're your age and you can understand why they signed up (the ones that do it for vague reasons at least. I also know that I wouldn't have done it had I had the chance but I get it). I don't give much stock to being remembered by history, but so many of these lads worried about whether their families remembered them or cared enough to, and I don't think they would have minded to know that some people, somewhere, would listen to them talk about their day to day nuisances and their more serious troubles, wishing them the safest and most successful voyage even though they know it has all already happened

That’s partly why I feel compelled to read their journals and share them, because it’s me giving a personal acknowledgement to an ordinary lad that his life happened and I see it. I tend to feel that need much more strongly with the ones who died quite young either at sea or ashore, like Buel, Boodry, or potentially Haviland, rather than the ones who ultimately settle down comfortably with families and/or security like Abbe, Newman, or Langdon…because I feel like they maybe had less people in their life to acknowledge that existence (or just…less time in their life to BE acknowledged). It’s why I sometimes feel like they’re MY family or friends because I develop this investment in their well being even though they’ve all been dead and gone for quite sometime.

It can also be sometimes hard—even when making a point to humanize history—to fully acknowledge that these were people for better or for worse. Like, it’s one thing to look at a census record and see that someone is in their teens or early 20s and hypothesize what their life might be like or what they might be thinking about. Same goes for the cautioning against not putting a modern personal lens onto the attitudes and actions of people in the past which, while important to keep in mind and is something I agree with, I sometimes think that attitude swings too far into itself and leads to people considering people from the past as completely alien to us. I think, when viewing history from an academic OR a nostalgic lens it can sometimes get too easy to reduce someone’s life down into themes and trends for a specific aim and forget that…that’s just a whole person!

And then you get hundreds of pages of their own words and really see that so many of them were worried about the same things that 20-somethings worry about today. They worry about not being married yet when all their other friends ashore are, and other such life milestones they feel they’re falling behind on, they worry about their girlfriend breaking up with them because they’re gone for too long and she finds someone else, they worry about what they’re doing with their life, and they worry about having nothing to show for it. A 23 year old riddled with anxiety about their future and sense of worth spans across time, it seems. And then all the other little human bits I share from them ranging from the books they’re reading and what they thought of them, to the little jokes they’re making and pranks they’re playing on each other, to getting woken up in the middle of sexy dreams and being put off about it, to being freaked out about cockroaches, to thinking the moon looks pretty, to grumbling about having to do their laundry, or only getting 2 hours of sleep and having to power through it.

#asks #anonymous #awhalin

[whimsykeii]

Talking Shit

Miguel, remember that saying about assuming?

The reader doesn't speak Spanish, and Miguel (understandably) assumes they're completely monolingual. They're not.

Spoiler free, nothing romantic, and SFW (unless you count arguing and being petty as flirting). Brought on by several posts about properly writing Spanish for Miguel fanfics and my own limited speaking ability.

Spiderman 2099 was cool to watch if you were a fan of Spawn, Blade or Ghost Rider minus the bike. That's Jess's department. As a colleague, you think you've met alcoholics with more social tact and less anger issues than this guy. He respects few, likes even fewer, and not once have you seen him smile, even when Peter B. started to bring his daughter to work.

Are you in this small, elite group of people Miguel doesn't treat like a public nuisance? No, no you aren't.

Do you want to be? Not particularly but it would be nice to be told a genuine "nice work" every once in a while.

As a matter of fact, it would be even nicer if he didn't go out of his way to insult you. You aren't so conceited as to think it was more personal than it is, except he clearly thinks you're dumber than you actually are. The language barrier was a huge part of that.

Gone were the days of assuming that someone speaking a different language in the same room as you were doing it to insult you, but with Miguel O'Hara? Not unlikely. That asshole probably does talk shit when he thinks no one else in the room can understand him.

"Sooo, how's the nursery coming along, Jess?" Jess lit up and started talking about the various color and design setups she and her husband had been brainstorming– most of them on the gender neutral side to account for the baby's gender being a surprise. That and it would be easier to adjust according to said baby's gender once they arrived. Jess's adoration for her spouse during her pregnancy was palpable and it made you a little jealous. You hoped to find someone as open-minded and supportive as him if you decided you're ready to start a family. The cafeteria was quieter tonight and you glance by the empanada stand. Miguel hasn't been by yet. Great! Maybe you could snag one and try to see why he liked them so much.

By the time you got around to getting one, there were only three left. Wonderful. Just as you reached for one, your hand brushed against Miguel's. "Excuse me," you mumble on reflex and go for another one. Trying to quell the immediate tense air, you turn back to Jess. "Jess, you want an empanada?" Jess glanced at you, then to Miguel with a small, cat-like grin.

"Nah, I'm alright. I don't want Miguel trying to kill me." In response, Miguel scoffed and rolled his eyes.

"And risk destroying your universe, not to mention losing one of the most competent agents here? I'd be stupid to." They banter back and forth for a bit, with Jess joking that she was still not certain he wouldn't leave her to face a tough villain alone for 50¢. He didn't deny it completely. He would, but for way more than 50¢. Gotta have some sort of standards.

"Damn, boss. That's cold." You lightly commented after sitting back down, to which Miguel shrugged and proceeded to eat his empanada. One bite in and he immediately frowned up, dropping the empanada back on his plate and grumbling in Spanish.

"Claro que la maldita empanada está fría..."¹ You were no Spanish expert, but something tells you the empanadas were cold. To test your theory, you asked him about it and got a glare and a dry response for asking. Really? Now, you don't like when hot foods are cold as much as the next person, but it wasn't your fault they weren't fresh.

"Why don't you just heat it back up? The microwaves are free." Miguel looked at you like you had just accused him of doing something completely out of character, like smile unprompted. Clicking his tongue, he sort of scoffed.

"¿Qué eres, un idiota?"² Oh. Oh, so it's like that, huh?

"What?"

"Never mind. I'll just find something else." Once Miguel started scouring the cafeteria for a passable substitute, you could still hear him complaining. You didn't catch on to everything, but you could make out a few key phrases. He mumbled something including multiverso³, caliente o fresca⁴, niño⁵, éstupido⁶ and vacaciones⁷. Ha! As if Miguel O'Hara, lord of workaholics, would actually consider a vacation.

Once he left, you turned to Jess with the most grave expression on your face.

"That man was just talking shit."

"Uhn-uh, we are not doing the whole 'Mexicans only talk shit in Spanish' thing-"

"No, no. What he said before he left? Not entirely, but he did call me stupid- twice, actually. I think he's just grumpy the empanadas are cold." Jess blinked slowly, as if you had cracked the code to a difficult algorithm.

"He's always grumpy- you speak Spanish?!" You made a gesture to convey your limited understanding and explained what little you did know. Growing up around a lot of Latino people, it would be a little odd if you didn't pick up a few words over the years. Before Jess could make any sort of plan to tell Miguel, you begged her not to. The next time he talked shit to you to your face, you wanted to surprise him. She shrugged and went back to talking about the nursery she and her husband were making. Maybe it's funnier that way.

A week later, you got the chance to display your somewhat elementary understanding of Spanish when he started grousing about something you and Hobie did in Spanish.

"Cállate, you... viejo vaca!"⁸ Miguel looked up from your reports and slowly turned his head to you with incredulity and confusion and just a bit of annoyance.

"...You speak Spanish?"

"Not really-"

"Clearly." He tossed the papers aside and looked at you fully. You roll your eyes.

"BUT, I understand enough. And if you're going to call me stupid, don't pick words most English speakers can guess. You actually called me stupid over empanadas! Do you ever have anything nice to say?" Miguel chuckled humorlessly, said nothing for some time and then dismissed you. If you were foolish, you'd swear he was surprised enough to stop. But you know better. Miguel has never been one to throw a rock and hide his hand. And once he got an idea in his head about anything, it was easier to climb Mt. Everest than to change his mind.

When he gave you a huge stack of paperwork a few days later, right as you were getting ready to have lunch, you knew that he hadn't let it go. That was only made more obvious when the stack of paper came with a sticky note, a English-Spanish dictionary and a Spanish language workbook for kids. The sticky note read:

Es '¡cállate, vaca vieja!' NO 'viejo vaca'.⁹ Buen intento, cariño¹⁰ :)

Well. Maybe he can say something nice. Even if it was petty.

~ Key

"Of course the damn empanada is cold..."

"What are you, an idiot?"

Multiverse

Hot or fresh

Kid

Stupid

Vacation

A poor attempt to say "shut up, you old cow!"

"It's (the correct form of ^) NOT...

"Nice try, sweetheart" :)

#spiderman astv #miguel o'hara #miguel o'hara/reader

[slowtides]

heyo discussion of panic attack and suicidal ideation

So last night, I had this really long and suspended panic attack that has honestly been bubbling for a while now. It's partly related to considering coming out to my dad and partly related to something else that I can't talk about. But it basically involved this fear that I have that trying to have a future is pointless and fruitless because of mistakes I've made in the past that won't go away.

And it's just been a while since I've had a panic attack I guess. Just the acid in my throat, the cramps in my stomach, the pain in my head, the breaths that wouldn't come. Like everything was swimming around me and I couldn't see past the feelings assaulting my body. It lasted off and on for hours. My hands would tremble and I would coach myself through a breathing exercise and calm down for a minute, and then I would think about it again and it was like a weight that had been lifted was pressing down on me again suddenly. I had been having some nuisance hallucinations and they were getting more and more present, like shadows always on the edge of my eyes. It was so scary and hard and just. paralyzing I guess.

So I started making plans like I always do when I have a panic attack. I won't repeat them, but it was really fucking scary and hard. I don't know. It's hard to write about it without going back into that space, so I won't do it.

And then I remembered that post about suicide that blogger mattfraction made a long time ago. He talked about a suicidal episode he had where he was actually like about to go through with it but remembered that there was a comic series he was reading that hadn't finished publishing, and he really wanted to find out all that happened in that story. And that was what took him out of that moment. He ended up shaving half his pubic hair vertically so every time he looked at his bits he would laugh, and I guess he's still around. I don't know anything about him other than this post that my best friend sent me ten years ago when I was just starting college.

And it's so silly, but it's not silly to me. There's this super long fanfiction that I'm reading. It's over 1.5 million words right now, and there are still at least 500k words of story left that the author hasn't published (they publish every week). And I realized that I really want to find out what happens in this fanfiction, probably more than I have wanted anything else in a really long time. It feels silly to have it written out, but this is a story that I've been reading for years, that brings me so much comfort, that makes me feel like there are things I can be curious about. It is more effective than any career goal or personal mile stone because those are tied up in all the ways I'm afraid to fail or struggle. Because it's just this selfless person giving the gift of their creativity and writing to the world where I can share it. And that's so fucking awesome that I just have to stick with it.

I reread mattfraction's post, and he talks about a friend of his who tried to commit suicide but realized as it happened that he didn't want to go, all because a Van Morrison song came on the radio. And I thought of all the music that I really want to listen to. He also made this long list of things that are small reasons, dust motes, to shake out of suicidal ideation, and none of it is family or friends. But one of them is "who the fuck will love your dog like you do when you're gone?" and I thought of my cat. Who the fuck will love my cat like I do when I'm gone?

Also one of my greatest fears is that I will die at home and be eaten by my cat, and that was the final straw. I started to compartmentalize my feelings and think about short and long term coping mechanisms and solutions, and I made it through the night without relapsing or anything. I slept until 5 pm but that's okay.

I guess what I'm saying is that life can become difficult without warning. And I have possibly become better at managing these feelings than I was when I was younger. And Maybe I should call a doctor or at least a friend.

#tw: suicide #tw: panic attack #it's about the over share for me

[picnokinesis]

hello!! newcomer here, just got caught up on part 6 and felt like I had to express how amazing the entire series is - its so insanely well-thought out and intricately plotted, I can't imagine the amount of work that's gone into it!

I really wanna know more about the doc's family, but obviously any info on tecteun is Massive Spoiler territory so I'd love to hear any thoughts you have on brax and the doctor's relationship in any AU you fancied talking about?

thanks again for blessing us with this incredible fic, I get so much joy from every single update ❤

HELLO!! Welcome, my friend!! :D And oh my goodness wow, thank you SO so much!! You're so kind <3 I'm so happy that you're enjoying the story so far. I'm honestly so excited to start getting into the climax of the whole series - there are scenes coming up in parts 8 and 9 that I've been working towards since 2020, so it's literally years in the making. (Although SKKS i had to laugh when you said it was 'insanely well thought out and intricately plotted' - I cannot express how much of this series I have written by the seat of my pants HAHAHAHAH but that said! The number of times things have just...fallen into place? Is a bit startling, but also really great for me personally hahah)

And oooooh yes regarding the Doctor's family - you're absolutely right, I can tell you nothing at all rip, but you might be intrigued to hear that there are things related to the Doctor's family that I still don't completely know about - I have my own questions!! And I keep asking the characters but they are not very forthright. The mystery of it is so interesting to me though. I might never find out - it might be one of those forever open ended questions. I think I almost like it being like that, in a way. Regarding Brax though, I do love them both in Campervan AU - I don't think Brax is really going to come up again much, other than a very brief mention later in Part 6, so I can tell you a couple of tidbits. I know that Brax was actually quite open to the idea of having a new sibling when his parents considered fostering the Doctor, but then obviously the Doctor was......a bit difficult HAHAH so he mostly just found her a bit of a nuisance, someone who came into the family's quite orderly household and disturbed all the peace and quiet, as she is wont to do. I feel like he regularly attempted to tell her to cut it out, that people were only trying to help her, and that she was making everything difficult for herself, which she stubbornly ignored. So then they only really ended up bonding at all because of the TARDIS. Brax inherited it from his somewhat eccentric uncle (who, tragically, the Doctor never met, because I bet they would have gotten along great), and it was a bit of a mess when Brax got it, PLUS he didn't really want it all that much. It was something to do, though, when he wasn't studying, and so he sort of half-heartedly went about fixing it up. Enter the Doctor, who sort of finds him in the garage and just watches him for ages before she starts telling him he's doing everything wrong, until eventually he lets her help him out. They mostly argue when doing it and generally annoy the hell out of each other, but I reckon it's one of the few relatively positive relationships she actually ends up developing during this time (the other two being with two of her teachers at her new school, Barbara and Ian, who both take it upon themselves to help her as best they can because they quickly recognise that she desperately needs it). I think Brax realises that she's never going to really fit into the normal expectations of society, and as she gets closer to ageing out, I think he actually figures out that she'll run away and take the TARDIS - which is why, when he hears her going downstairs that night, he just gets up and takes the keys. There's no point in trying to contain her, he realises, and it would just hurt her to try - might as well just let her go, and at least the darn van won't be his problem anymore. And that moment is actually...quite important, for both of them, but especially the Doctor. I think they both cared about each other more than they realised - they just have very different ways of going about doing things, and very different wants in life. I think Brax knew it was probably for the best if he helped her leave, and made sure she didn't get into any trouble about it. Like sksksk imagine the Doctor in prison - oh wait, I don't have to....

ANYWAY! I'll be posting tonight's chapter within the next half hour or so, so keep your ears to the metaphorical ground!

#taka replies #anon #campervan au #PHEW this ended up being longer than i thought!! #BUT YEAH!!! #i had more feelings about those two than i realised #they were SO much fun to write in part 3 though #honestly their scenes were the highlight for me i think haha #long post

[dausy]

oh my, I feel like I've spent a lot of money on myself recently.

I'm trying to work on painting this weekend. I have a long weekend this weekend. So far I'm scheduled to work wed-fri if I don't get a call but I have a dental appointment and hair appointment this week. Theres an interesting breed of drama at work and I think I'm getting too old for this. I just learned I'm literally older than a couple of doctors. I've officially reached that stage of my life where I can be older than doctors. So weird. On the scale of complaints I've had about workplace drama before this has to be some of the most benign complaints I've ever heard and I'm like "do you guys not hear yourselves?". Its just such a non-dangerous issue, that I can't even imagine wanting to complain about it. To me its like a spa day and yall are complaining about some weird stuff. Like come on.

But I keep picking up shifts because its essentially easy money but I'm also dirt tired and cranky. Wearing lead for 8-10 hours a day is also killing my upper back. I don't think permanent OR nursing is in my future. So its affecting my ability to be creative. I'm getting home at 5-6pm and plooping on the couch. I can't draw unless theres lovely sun out.

I still think my spanish is improving despite me getting hit hard with the reality that I don't know what the hell I'm saying often. But I'm still learning new things every day and I'm researching new ways to say things all the time. I think what honestly hurts the most is I keep seeing tiktoks on "white women who did a duolingo lesson once" which is in parts funny, I get it. But also, is me trying to speak with my patients making me fall under this category? am I just another white woman who duolingos? I just want to be effective at my job and communicate where appropriate.

I've also spent a small fortune. I feel like I should do a haul with just stuff I've purchased recently but none of it is art related (sort of). Other than I still have to PPE up at work, my face getting exposure to real air has made me appreciate a little bit of the skin care and make up type luxuries..2 make up items will cost a pretty penny. I got some new make up brushes and got some new things for this ball I have coming up. I just kinda want to look pretty. I'm feeling girly, I want the make up, the cute clothes and shoes etc. But we're just buying make up so far right now.

I also got 2 new work out shirts and a sports bra. I've gotten a wittle chunky this past year and my shirts are riding up. I'ma maybe use those extra calories for some hopeful gym gains. Hopefully I can rev up the gym-going when my husband gets deployed.

shoes, I got some new shoes for work and a new phone case. We also went on a really fancy date night that long ago and me not having a purse was kind of a nuisance so I got a new purse (or two). We have a lot of day trips coming up as my husband is trying to maximize family time before he's gone for the next year. I kinda want to look cute maybe so one of the purses is like a day trip bag.

anyway, I still want to order a couple of things but itll need to wait til the next paycheck.

#artlife #learningspanish #spanishlearner #artistblog #artblog #sketching #sketchbook #painting #watercolors #nursing #registerednurse

[archiiive]

How To Get My Husband On My Side

I usually love strong female characters and I love reading them. Not a big fan of weak or damsel in distress characters. But RUBY. Idk how to explain my thoughts and feelings about her. Ik it doesn't make any sense but I feel like this is what I'd feel about my own daughter if I had one (I just turned 20 last month lolol). Ruby is by far my most favourite manhwa fmc and the most beautiful girl in my eyes I'm not even exaggerating. Yall won't believe how many times I scroll back to see the panels Ruby is in. I don't think I've even replayed shirtless Izek that many times lmao. I just stare at her in awe. I can't help but smile. I just re read this manhwa for the 4th time today, I just keep coming back here. This manhwa is so beautiful, cute, sad, painful and heartbreaking all at the same time. I cry, smile, laugh, giggle, get angry, so many emotions all at once.

I feel so sad whenever I look at Ruby's eyes. I just wanna give her a hug. Ruby is by far one of the strongest characters I've ever read. Being strong doesn't necessarily mean being physically strong yk. Everything she's gone through, those are unimaginable. The fact that she's still sane is probably the biggest proof of how strong she is. Cause imagine being abused like she was for that many years (even in her previous life, or should I say lives), she's only suffering. I can't imagine how deep the trauma runs.

Every kind of Abuse destroy people. She has gone thorough so many kind of abuses. But man SA has got to be the most horrendous things to ever happen to someone, that too by her own brother, at her own house, for so many years, where the so called brother even spread rumour about their questionable relationship outside just so her marriages could be broken off. I can't imagine going through all of that everyday and still having to smile sweetly 24/7, not having anyone to share these with, no one to rely on and pretending to be completely fine. I'd never be able to last so long, I'd be long gone.

As much as I love Izek now, it's an undeniable fact that he was a jerk to her when she first came here. Okay he had his reasons cause her family couldn't be trusted yada yada but RUBY didn't deserve any of it. Good thing she escaped from the hell, her own house but then came here to be treated like a nuisance by her own husband. Okay he's changed now and he loves her and everything is good so I'll kinda forgive him too cause at least he's giving Ruby the love, warmth, support, reassurance, comfort now. She needed them so bad. She really needed someone to confide in.

Whenever I see her holding things in and not being able to talk about her past traumas and abuse with anyone and silently putting up everything that fu*king Cesare bitch a**hole ugly looking piece of sh*t son of a wh*re does in fear that things will get worse, I just want to go get myself off by a truck and isekai into the story and stab that filthy guy until my hands fall of. I don't think I ever hated or will hate anything as much as I hate Cesare. This manhwa keeps breaking me but I still keep coming back for Ruby and maybe a little bit for Izek too, love to see them together.

I'm so mad she had to endure all of that. Idc what Ruby does or ever did. I'd support her even if she were to take initiative to end the world. I'd gladly let her destroy everything, kill everyone including me if that's what she wanted, I'd give her everything she could've ever asked for and even more cause RUBY my love deserves everything. Okay but why do I sound like a mom tho lolol. I guess Izek has a stronger competition now cause at least I'd never treat that angel like precious munchkin the way he did in the past hmph.

So in conclusion what I wanted to say is, I LOVE RUBY. My loveliest most adorable bestest sweetheart. My heart swells with love everytime she smiles. She shines so bright I fear. Ruby is the most amazing, Ruby is the most beautiful, Ruby is the strongest, i wanna bawl my eyes out everytime I look at her eyes. And if anyone tries to hurt my Ruby and talk shit about her, I'm personally coming for you, you better sleep at night with an eye open. Cause Ruby might be the sweetest but I'm certainly NOT.

#how to get my husband on my side #manhwa #historical #historical manhwa #strong female lead #ruby #rubyizek #izek #webtoon #webnovel #rubybestgirl

[the-firebird69]

So John remillard changes what's said in the text to Sherry no it's from Sherry and she said that all the stink pipes new and then they're not really going to be there plumbing pipes but she meant are they booted in and he says it's not time yet for that they're sealed in though and some roofers don't even do that and it's supposed to but we've seen him not do it here so she's asking and he said yeah they sealed them in and the boots will come on after it and I'll check he said about the new ones and the guy put so many nails in that stupid edge then it should be taking off and they should put more ice and water shield on but that would cause a problem no this guy is sick. The other is reported it no but Jason could hear it and then it's the blow gun for the yard leaf thing and he's saying stick them together it's like you're actually here you stupid f*** and then after you and you're dumber than hell this is what do you mean it's in your clothes want to be stupid f****** s*** he's trying to tell him to disregard it and they're saying you mean those two and they're saying it including him he said we're just going to have to get rid of you cuz you're so f****** stupid and your Papa's asses Jesus Christ you people dumb can't you tell them with other people you want to start with my group I'm going to step on you dumb f****** and they started fighting each other and the sun said you started it was going after you and tells the people hate these douchebags but boy is this kind of freaking piece of work he starts yelling and screaming stuff and he's screwing up at the job and they're dimples so we got really pissed off

The dimples aren't that deep it doesn't do much and our son used to make them worse because he hits hard and it did cuz the nails are sticking out they didn't make a f****** nuisance of himself to the homeowners on purpose that's what this s*** head's doing now I want him out I want people to be annoyed other than us and our son and daughter I want that to start tonight I want him to be I want them to be annoyed that they're in this damn race this is not a joke this guy has to leave the max keep on making it worse we're using him but boy is he a pill and he's disgusting and lame and doesn't know how to speak English or Spanish couldn't tell what anyone was saying told our son that 2 ft strip is the whole way and confused Jason so badly he didn't know what to say and Jason can't say it thinks there's some kind of angle but really the idiots forcing him to.

And he's a trustee and he has 5% of 20% of apartments no it's 5% of all the apartments and he had to say a fib because he's a dick and his wife has 10% his kids have 15% and they keep calling for a son to be kicked out so they're going to court and they're going to take it from them and kick them out of their apartments they can say it all day long and John remillard is threatening the eviction and now mac daddy is getting it if this is how they get again

Thor Freya

This guy is ruining us and we have to stop using him for anything and get rid of him and of course we need Trump

Bja

We noticed that and boy what an ugly piece of s*** he hit that poor dog I was struggling to get by and so happy to see his puppy even though it's a little small they get along great and have fun and it took him away from him and the poor guy is very sad I want this guy Trump out so I can reunite them and they can have a family this guy Trump is so stupid and sick we need him gone

Jason

We're sorry that happened and I'm pretty sure that he'll be revived but you're right the poor puppy is going to be alone sort of but people love him and he's a great dog

Zues Hera

We do and we miss them already they're trying to get them back I want people to help me care about the puppy and the dog

Jason

We're going to help and we're going to try and get it done

Bha

We're going to be there we're going to make sure he's back we know what's going on there too and we're going to make sure it's not in John remillard's hands and like it is now and we're sending people in case we're trapped up there

Brad

We're going to help too and this dog will be a symbol our dogs getting eaten up by this moron and it's useless stuff this guy is a huge prick and he's even worse with our friend he's saying it too and he said code and this kid figured it out and this guy's people are toast it's a huge moron about it

Mac daddy

We're going to fire you from your jobs all of them here in Florida Trump AKA Sam what a fool

Jason

We're going to fire you from death race if you do it and you're not in Canada it's not part of Canada if you do this race it's illegal it's not supposed to be a prison and we're going to arrest you and all of your idiots it's a perfect excuse we have to you're trying to do it to us and by the way why don't you shut your mouth you loser you're a big piece of crap I've never heard of someone so stupid

Biden

I want the numbers on this guy's license plates all the time and I want to pull them over all the time I don't want him here at all everybody has to see what this is going to keep happening he's a huge miscreant and a big huge failure and a massive f**** he had a son do all sorts of ridiculous things our friend and now we're screwed no he's doing it to Dave he says he thinks he was taking his carriages and blowing things up and they're getting broken and he's hurting their own and ours and we have to stop that piece of crap and it had he had these clones for a long time that I like him and everybody hates them

Mac daddy

I'm going to stand by my friend and we have to go after him this guy had a headmaid and he's a nutcase he says he's doing well and he cares and he's the guys out of control but still going well of course it would be difficult and people of his own family are calling him Chris and they can't get rid of the eye and we made Trump of course sake is a piece of nothing goes around reveals everything

Ben Arnold

And you're this a****** Billy Hicks and Dave was right and I hate you you're my father but you going to die

Dave

We know what he means it and he's been stopping the guy and he's the one who threw the stick and didn't know what it was and it sent him flying almost into that abutment for the train it was really something to see him flying through the air it felt good now I see him flying through the air up on top of a helicopter from some sort of trampoline because he's an imbecile I don't want to see anybody copy that no one not even you tommy f he's a sick and disgusting pig. I'm sorry I'm imitating a lot of people this week he goes off and he imitates someone else he says that someone else we have to start looking into this a lot more I've got a list of crimes and we have to have a meeting and then we'll show people what he's doing so you got to get out when you have now and it's probably enough so I'm going to do that

Mac daddy

We need to meet right now

Daniel

[16woodsequ]

Weekly headcannon time!!!

(you can include his mam and dad but I'm going to give them seperate asks of their own so you might you want to save stuff for that)

Do you have any about his childhood. Like,

What subjects was he good at at school?

Did he go often or too ill, or did he need to get a job?

Did he have more friends than just Bucky?

Which chores did he like to do?

What kind of things did he like to draw?

What games did he like to play?

Did he bucky play with bucks sisters?

What's the naughtiest thing he ever did?

Doesn't have to be those things, I just like to throw random questions at you to get your imagination going.

I want at least one happy and one angsty thing though if got them!

Alright! Things about Steve’s childhood.

There is so much that could be said, so I will definitely not cover everything in here, but here are a few ideas.

TW: discussion of corporal punishment in schools. 

School and Steve

I’ve been curious about what school would be like for Steve in the 20s and 30s. I still have more research to do but I have some thoughts. I don’t know how likely it would be for Steve to attend a Catholic school versus a secular school, but I do know that the school would probably be smaller than nowadays. 

I don’t actually know how grades were divided up back then, so I’m not sure if Steve would have gone to separate elementary, middle, and high schools, or if all the grades would have been in one building. (If anyone has any knowledge on these, feel free to let me know!) From what I know, class size could be smaller, but could also be about the same as now. School day length was about the same too.

One thing I do know is that learning would be different. Back then students were often taught through rote and repetition. So a lot of copying things down and reading things out. (There were also ‘outdoor’ schools, that were different, but I doubt Steve would have ever gone to one of those.)

I think Steve was sick a lot, but I like to imagine that he managed to keep from falling behind a grade (mostly because then he could stay in the same class as Bucky. I know Bucky is technically older than him, but I usually put them in the same class.)

Steve probably worked really hard to try to stay caught up in class, and I can see both him and Bucky become better students simply because both of them want to make sure Steve passes. 

School discipline

I spent a while researching this, because I was curious what Steve’s experience with corporal punishment in school would be. Corporal punishment in schools didn’t start being banned until the 60s-70s, so it would have definitely be allowed in whatever school he went to. The type of punishment and frequency would be dependent on each teacher and school, but I did learn that female teachers were criticized more often for using it.

Freudian psychologists were studying the effect of physical punishment on children, so there were conversations about whether hitting children was bad for them, especially moving into the 40s. 

I think it is likely that Steve would have experienced corporal punishment, although it is hard to say at what frequency. I do have a headcanon that at one point, he and Bucky had a really terrible, ablelist teacher that went after Steve a lot and made that school year miserable for them. 

Fun fact, apparently corporal punishment is still legal in 19 states, so I think Steve might have opinions on that.

Steve and friends

I think that Bucky was probably Steve’s main friend. I do think that Steve would have played with other children—kids living in his tenement building, or on his street—but I think he was closest with Bucky.

With how sick Steve was, I can see some kids wanting to stay away from him, or being warned away from him.

I think Bucky was more likely to collect a following though—especially since I think he was on at least one sports team in school—and I think anyone hanging out with Bucky would be around Steve too, and have to at least treat him somewhat decently. 

Steve and Bucky’s sister(s)

I definitely think that Steve meshed well with Bucky’s family, and that the two of them had to entertain his younger sister(s) sometimes. 

I actually headcanon that after Steve and Bucky met—but before they were really friends—Steve ends up helping Bucky’s sister in some way. Either chasing off bullies or helping her when she drops everything, or something. I imagine Bucky sees that, and that is what fully cements the friendship between the two. 

Naughty Steve

Haha, for a second it was a bit hard to fully imagine Steve being naughty, even though I knew he would, because he’s human. And then I remembered some of the mildly naughty things I did as a kid, and it was much easier XD

I don’t think Steve would cause trouble just for the sake of causing it, but if he had a justifiable cause, then he would.

For example, I can see some of Steve’s neighbors disapproving of either him or his mom, and saying unkind things, and I can definitely see him and Bucky deciding to be a minor nuisance to get back at them. Be it unpleasant things on people’s doorsteps, or throwing pebbles against the window and running away... I can see them causing mischief together and trying not to get caught. 

Well, those are my thoughts for today! If you want more thoughts on kid Steve, let me know!

Also, if you have more thoughts on Steve’s experience in school, I’m all ears. I still have a lot of research to do there.     

Headcanon masterpost

#asks #headcanon #headcanons #steve rogers #tw corporal punishment #corporal punishment #mcu #marvel #kid steve rogers

[kuronanox]

Recovering - Fuegoleon Vermillion

"She's very sick right now." Owen tells Fuegoleon as the crimson lion captain sat down next to (Your Name) holding her hand. "With some rest and not much activities she will heal slowly."

"I see, thank you." Fuegoleon tells Owen as he left the two to talk.

"I'm sorry, I've been so weak." (Your Name) quietly says giving a painful smile.

"Stop being sorry, it doesn't matter if you are weak or strong. I will protect you." He tells her wiping the sweat from her forehead. She shakes her head and grab both his hands into her small ones.

"You should remarry."

Fuegoleon eyes widen, it was unexpected of her to say such a thing to him. "What are you going on about?"

There was silence in the room as (Your Name) started to cough harshly, the red blood falling onto the sheets. Fuegoleon was already up from his seat and holding her body. He rubbed her back and offered a cold glass of water.

"Let me go get Owen."

She grabbed his arm and shook her head. "It's fine, I just need to rest."

He sighed, he knew she was so stubborn.

"Why do you have to be so stubborn, even on your death bed?"

"This isn't my death bed, I'm just sick." (Your Name) argued. Fuegoleon rolled his eyes and fixed her bed sheets. "I have to go. Captain duties."

She nodded her head as he softly kissed her forehead . "Goodbye, I'll come home soon." She promised him, Fuegoleon looked back and gave her a small smile.

The following weeks passed and she was recovering slowly. There was definitely process, she no longer was coughing blood and was able to walk around without fainting. Fuegoleon didn't visit much because of work duties but Leopold would come.

"How's everything?" She asked the younger boy.

Leopold was so full of life, him and Fuegoleon were definitely opposites when it came to personalities. "AMAZING! Aniue has been training me personally!"

(Your Name) smiles, he was amazing with children.

"Sometime I feel helpless, sometimes I feel like I've failed Fuegoleon." She tells Leopold as the younger child tilted his head.

"What do you mean? Aniue loves you!" His face a little redden out of irritation. Leopold knew, there was a age gap between the two but that doesn't mean he didn't know anything.

He remember when (Your Name) and Fuegoleon were younger, about their early twenties. She use to pester him all the time, it was a one sided love at first.

When Leopold was about 7 he would see (Your Name) around the house following Fuegoleon. She was like a parasite stuck onto him. Often times he would find his brother pushing her away or calling her a nuisance because he was all about training and becoming the next captain.

"How did Aniue fall in love with you?" Leopold asked, curious on their relationship.

(Your Name) smiled and looked out the window.

"I guess time? I don't actually know. After I stopped pestering him Fuegoleon started bothering me. I guess you can say a switch flipped off."

Leopold giggled he couldn't see his older brother bothering a girl because he was always so serious. "I think brother hit the jackpot, (Your Name) older sister is pretty." He cheers her up by jumping in the air as if he won a race.

"Oh! I have to go now! Training with aniue! He's going to be upset if I'm late!" Leopold shouts giving her a kiss on the cheek before running off. (Your Name) eyes widen as she slightly smirked. "You really are growing up now."

Fuegoleon watched his squad members as they practiced their magic but his mind wasn't paying attention. His thoughts were about (Your Name) he missed her next to him everyday.

Every morning he woke up it was alone and every night he went to bed it was alone. The bed sheets weren't nearly as warm as he wanted it to be.

Fuegoleon sighed as he clocked back into reality when his men asked what they needed to do next. "Everyone good job today, get some rest."

Leopold ran to his brother and walked beside him. "Are you going to see (Your Name) tonight?"

"Tomorrow morning I have some papers to do." He flatly states as Leopold pouts, Fuegoleon was acting a little down.

"Aniue? Why is (Your Name) older sister always sick?"

Fuegoleon stops walking and sighs, this was a topic he never liked talking about. Not even to Mereoleona. He felt like he failed (Your Name) that day and onward.

"She had a miscarriage 3 years ago, we didn't tell anyone she was pregnant because she wasn't showing yet. Because of that her captain sent her onto a dangerous mission. I told her multiple times to give it to someone else but she refused."

Fuegoleon paused to catch his breath as Leopold tried to soak in the information without asking to many question.

"(Your Name) and her team called for back up and I rushed to the area, by the time I arrived half the team was dead and she was unconscious with a wound on her stomach."

Fuegoleon quickly turns his back onto Leopold, he didn't want to show his younger brother that he regretted not stopping her that day.

"Ever since that day, she stopped taking care of her health and because of her wounds were so deep she will never fully recover. I failed her that day and everyday since."

Without saying anything else Fuegoleon bid his farewell and walked to his chamber. This was a big step for him. No one ever asked him what happened to (Your Name) after. They just assumed she was just sick a lot.

(Your Name) was harshly awaken by loud screaming coming out from the building. The Clover kingdom was set ablaze, before she could run and aide Owen stopped her, but she argued with him that it's also her duty to help the kingdom.

"Trust the magic knights." He told her and she angrily laid back in bed. "I wonder what is happening."

Laying back down she looked out the window, the fire wasn't comforting like Fuegoleon, it was menacing looking.

(Your Name) started to see the flames die down after a few hours. "Looks like they settled everything."

Footsteps outside her door were rushing around, she couldn't tell what was going on but the medics were probably helping the wounded.

It wasn't until Leopold slammed her door open and he was sweating, his face full of panic. "Aniue!" He yells out of breath as she rushed out of bed and followed him.

She ran towards the bed she found Fuegoleon on, he was unconscious and his arm was gone. "How-?" She stops and covered her mouth as the tears chocked out.

Julius was there as he patted her head and took a seat beside Fuegoleon. "He did his best." He continued by handing her Fuegoleon grimoire. She gasped.

His grimoire was half gone. "He could have died and I was laying in bed the whole time."

Julius let her onto good news. "He's fine now, the only downside is when he will wake up."

(Your Name) and Leopold sat close together for comfort. "I'm calling Mereoleona to take over for now."

The following weeks were hard for her, Leopold and the squad members. There was a lot of adjustments that were made.

(Your Name) was finally back home and the good thing was that she could watch over Fuegoleon.

"I feel like our roles have reversed." She sadly smiled as a knock made her look up.

Mereoleona walked in the room with a look of disappointment in her face. "Looks like we have some guys that need to be put in their place, Fuegoleon is first."

(Your Name) just chuckles as Mereoleona cross her arms. "Whoever did this to him definitely was strong, we are a facing an huge enemy right now." (Your Name) hummed in response and grip Fuegoleon hand tightly.

Mereoleona stared at the two and recalled when they both started dating, she had never seen her little brother head over heels for nobody. "You should take care of yourself more... holding onto the past won't help the future." Mereoleona told her little sister in law.

(Your Name) smile lightly as she caresses the back of her beloved hand. "I know, I never blamed him for being late that day. It was just fate telling us we weren't ready."

"Then don't blame yourself for not being able to help him today. He wouldn't be to happy to see you in distress especially since you are sick."

(Your Name) looks down ashamed of her actions the past few years, of course she knew she was unhealthy. After losing the baby and getting a heavy wound that would never fully recover she fell into depression and started to punish herself. She blamed herself for letting her child and teammate down that day.

"I-" She paused and swallowed before speaking again "I told him to remarry."

Mereoleona roughly hits her head and yell. "BAKA! Don't take his love for you lightly!"

"YA!" (Your Name) screams and threw a hit back. "I know, I just don't want him to be stressed out anymore."

"Like I said, don't take his love for granted."

Leopold then walked into the room, he was smiling. "YEAH! Aniue love for you is bigger than this world and so is ours to yours, I know you are sick but we all know you use to be a strong magic knight before!"

(Your Name) grew flushed and chuckled, she lost a baby but right know she was surrounded with her family.  

She didn't know how long she waited for him but (Your Name) decided it was time to recover and get healthy again. She trained endlessly day and night, toning her body and magic again. She felt a sense of relief being able to be out of bed and fight again.

(Your Name) heard news that Leopold was trying to protect the people in the squad as their vice captain had been taken over by a elf. "Please let me make it to him on time. I can't lose anybody else."

Leopold was on the floor, he needed to get up, he was going to be the captain one day but his body wouldn't move. "Leopold!" She yells reaching out to him as a orange flame engulfed them from behind.

"You did well (Your Name), Leo." Fuegoleon deep voice flows out as she sees him walk out. A feeling of burden had been lifted off her chest. Of course he was there to save them when they needed him the most.

"What took so long stupid?" she lightly punches his side as he lovingly gives her a sincere smile.

"Don't worry, I made it on time." Fuegoleon reassured her as she sees a salamander next to him. "I see you picked up a new friend along the way."

He chuckled "It's a long story but we will have time later once the kingdom is back in safe hands." Fuegoleon pauses and gives a good look at her. The color was back on her face, and she gained a few pounds.

"It's good to have you back my love."

"I can say the same for you mister, looks like both of us bedridden doesn't sit well."

Leopold pushes himself in the middle. "HELLO! AN ELF IS ABOUT TO KILL US! SAVE THE HAPPY REUNION FOR LATER!"

"Ya Leo, let us adult handle the situation." She smirked as Fuegoleon and her both throw a powerful blow. "Yes, Leo don't take us for granted. We've handled worse enemies together."

Leopold just throws a baby tantrum and smiles after, he was really glad they were both back.

"(Your Name) let's go." Fuegoleon says taking her hand as she gladly accepts.

"For now, we both are broken somehow in some form but we will continue to grow together."

#black clover imagine #black clover x reader #blackclover #black clover #black clover oneshots #fuegoleon #fuegoleon vermillion #leopold vermillion #mereoleona vermillion #yuki tabata #black clover headcanons

[rise-my-angel]

you 1000% have to do what is best for your mental health but please know you aren't clogging anyones feeds up at all. we love you on here and I've missed seeing your lovely little blog. take all the time you need but please know you are so loved.

Okay so like, little messages like this genuinely made me cry when I read them, but just for the sake of anyone who might want to know what's up I guess I'll explain myself and I'm so sorry for anyone who doesnt care just skip past this post I'm sorry.

In my outside life in pretty much completely alone, my family life if you've followed me for a while is complicated and I've dropped a lot of previously toxic friends.

So you guys on here mean that world to me. But I struggle a lot with self worth and its very hard to see myself as anything but a burden on my mutuals and followers and it upsets me greatly to think I annoy you or you're tired of reading about me talking about all my problems.

I dont feel like I have a place on this website right now, I dont really write, I dont post art, I don't contribute to the fandoms I'm in in any productive way in just sort of here and I'm constantly afraid that if I just disappeared it would be matter at all beacuse I'm not significant to this place like so many of you lovely people are.

But I miss you. I miss my mutuals a lot and I ended up logging on to see how they were doing multiple times in the past week. So I'm coming back for now for them and for anyone else who I care about on here beacuse even though I dont really matter on here,

You all mean the world to me and I think I can accept for a while being a nuisance if it means I can keep up with the people I care about, and try to at least support you beacuse you're all so lovely and deserve love.

This has gone on for to long and like no one is reading this anymore I know it. I'm just not used to reaching out for help I genuinely have never been taught how to, so talking publicly is all I have. 👉👈💜

#i dont know if stay it depends on whether or not i continue to feel burdensome or annoying

[bae-leth]

wow there're a TON of fanfics for 3H even though the game hasn't come out yet I'm impressed by the fandom! do you have any fic recs so far cause there are a lot more than I expected there to be!

(I originally had a very long, detailed list of fics all typed up in the reply box, waiting to be posted… right before accidentally closing the tab. ahaha…... hhaaah…. i’m not crying. not at all.)

Anyway, you’re right! As of typing this up now, there are currently 85 fics in the 3H archive - that’s astounding, especially if you’re like me and you remember when the first one went up. all you writers are so so talented :’)

This list is definitely by no means exhaustive. For example, there’s a Felix/Sylvain fic that just went up that I’m dying to read! along with a modern!AU Bylad having Sothis as a little sister that I’m reading right now!! so @ anyone:  feel free to send any recs my way and I’ll be sure to jump on it :)

(quick note: if you ever get a comment on your fic by nootnootsaggressively - that’s me! dropping love onto your fantastic words.)

Without further ado:

Anything by Willow! If you've been following me for a while, then you'll know how excited I get when Willow updates, ahahahah. Their writing flows so, so well - it’s actually unbelievable - and the way they write the interactions between the Lions is so GOOD. They’re just like the family I’d always envisioned, and I love it so so much.

Rebuild from Zero - genuinely left me speechless. I had to reread and reread in order for everything to sink in, and it left me raw and numb for hours afterwards. This is exactly my type of fic, which is probably why it's my favourite out of the ones Willow's written, but honestly, the absolute sheer amount of emotion that seeps through the words is enough to make anyone feel heartbroken for days. READ THIS ONE. 

Since Sticks Were Swords - a childhood growing up fic! Not only does it focus on Dimitri and Felix as childhood friends (which is AWWW CUTE but also OH MY GOD THEY’RE SO. DUMB. JUST COMMUNICATE) , but it also incorporates Sylvain and Ingrid, as well as the rest of the Blue Lions near the end. Seeing them all grow up together and interact was really endearing and such a delight to experience! I’m not lying when I say that I read all 20k of this in one sitting (although my eyes burned afterwards, so pls take breaks.)

Trust Falls - the theme of her falling throughout the fic, yet watching her loved ones catch her time and time again? The progression of her relationship with her pegasus? made me UWU. HARD. and then the relationships with her boys?? INGRID AND HER BOYS??? EVEN MORE UWUS.

all in all, Willow's works are a real treat!! and I highly recommend them. (they also shamelessly inspire me hehe THANKS WILLOW)

caeruleus by miyuseway - (Dimitri/Felix) a Fraldarddyd fic?? with nuanced insights into Dimitri and Felix's relationship? Sinister time stuff? Felix being emotionally constipated? Wanting to hug Dimitri? A paragraph near the end that I want to copy and paste onto my bedroom wall? MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK.

Inseparable Against Everything by @cynical-gamer-media - (Petra/Edelgard) kjdsjdkbjkb THIS FIC. The plot was so, so engaging, and how these two spoke and acted around each other? They love each other so so much jfc my heart ACHES

come lady dawn by anthiese - what really intrigued me about this one is that it focusses on the strange in-between time of the timeskip. So, not everything’s gone completely to hell yet, but they’re certainly teetering on the edges of it. There’s lots of tension, and honestly I just want to know what hAPPENED (make sure to observe Dimitri in this one because. oof.) Felix and Ingrid interactions were so good, too! also SHORT HAIRED INGRID??? WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT

brave the fall by quags1re - THIS FIC!!! this is my favourite characterisation of Bylad EVER - his being-better-with-animals-than-humans definitely inspired my own headcanons for him + animals! imo it's the little bits of this fic that really make it stand out: the subtle interactions between the Lions (pay attention to every line, trust me it’s worth it!!!), Byleth’s observations of his students and how he’s growing to care for them (AWWW), the hjsdhsdhbKJJKJK NIGHTGOWN, the cutest wyvern ever.... It updated yesterday and I Screeched. Like A Banshee Taking The E-Drug

ephemeral by MerryDreaming - (post timeskip Bylad/Linhardt) - this one is so soft I’m in love!! the part where Byleth…. cups….. Lin’s face… SEE i can’t even bring myself to type it out because it’s just that soft??? I feel like I’m inTRUDING on something sacred?? JFC KJSDSFDK THIS ONE IS MAD SOFT LIKE KLEENEX. IT MADE ME SOFT TOO.

Far More Sweetsounding by WhereTheMoonShinesBright - (post timeskip Bylad/Linhardt) - again this one also made me soft, but this time because it’s very sweet. pensive and thoughtful with a touch of angst? I can’t describe what I’m feeling when I think of it very well - maybe it’s because of the intimacy. yes it’s the intimacy. anyway i like this ….  the author is skilled at words!!!

Place Called Home by Kroissant - WHY ARE YOU NOT READING THIS??? listen 1) it’s Ashe-centric 2) the plot twists made me put down my phone and stare out of the window 3) the descriptions are good and dense and RICH!!! 4) Claude’s characterisation was one I really enjoyed! I’m not going to spoil much, but he’s not predictable at all. and I liked that - the author made him v 3D! and not at all what I expected. 

Please read this fic - it’s long and rewarding and intense and you will very much enjoy it if you like worldbuilding. One part I particularly enjoyed actually was this bit about how post-timeskip Felix changed - it really made my heart go UWU. BIG UWU I LOVED IT and I loved the characterisation and how nuanced and well thought out it was!!! if you decide to give this a try, pls don’t do what I did and read it on a bus, because I got so engrossed that I missed my stop

The jerk and the lion by Chscak_e - (Dimitri/Felix) - oh my god just look at the TITLE. I cannot WAIT for Felix to become the worst nuisance Dimitri’s ever had to deal with in his entire life, simply because he was an idiot to Ashe. I can’t wait for more Ashe and Felix interactions in general!! this fic has so much promise and I’m already hooked on the premise…. Dimitri’s dialogue at the end really got me (MOOD WHIPLASH MUCH??) and dsjfddh i just. SLOWBURN i can’t WAIT!!!! AAA

#JFC DOES THE READMORE NOT WORK ANYMORE????? #im sorry lads. tis a long post that tumblr refuses to let me hide for your comfort #fire emblem three houses #fe16 #ask #anon #fics #long post

[rchlldlrcn]

DOLORICON, ROCHELLE

12 F- BALTAZAR

CREATIVE NON FICTION PETA

PRE TEST

Multiple choice

1.) The problem in a short story that needs to be resolved is called:

A Conflict

B.Drama

C.Climax

D.Tension

2.) What is a Main Character?

A.The friend of the person the story is about

B.The parent of the person the story is about

C.The person the story is about

D.The sibling the of the person the story is about

3. What did we call to the main character of the story

A. Antagonist

B. Narrator

C. Protagonist

D. Author

4. How many elements does a story have?

A. 6

B. 5

C. 7

D. 3

5.The __________in a story are the people or animals.

A.Characters

B.Setting

C.Problem

D.Solution

I still remember everything as if it had just happened yesterday. Every promise that you made, I was so foolish to believe in you even if I knew that you'll abandon me one day.

It all start the month before my graduation, every thing was perfect until Johnny confessed to me, at first I was ignoring him because I don't want to ruined our friendship and he's like a family to me but I took the risk. I grab the poisonous food in front of me without knowing the consequence.

It was a smooth sailing start for us. Everyone is supporting the relationship that we had. I cherish every moment with him. I know how gentle you are, and how you respect me, and you understand my selfishness request. Your simple minded but your humor is overflowing. When I'm sad you always comported me and it overwhelming.I thought we would always stay like this, but the thought "tayo na forever" is not what happened.

You became cold and there's a time that you ignore me as if I did something wrong to you, but I ignored it and choose to understand your situation. I called you one night and I was excited to talk to you and then you pickup my call...... "Hi love" then you answered "why did you call me? Do you need anything?" "I call you because I miss you, it's already summer vacation so we don't see each other very often" "ah is that so? Miss you too" he said that with a cold voice. I ask you with my excited voice " Can we meet next Sunday?" But he said that is so nuisance " sorry but I'm not available on Sunday and it's so hot outside I don't want to go out" "is that so? It's okay there's always a next time." Then he hang-up his phone.

I was shock for a moment because I didn't think that was his reaction but I still don't mind that. Few days have passed but the situation is still the same but when I ask him if he's mad or something the only thing that he said to me is that "sorry I was so busy with something so just understand our situation"

I didn't suspect him or anything, because I trusted him so much so I stop bothering him.

I went out to reduce my loneliness, then I did everything to avoid bothering him. Until the next morning my friend Yuka ask me if I can go to their house because there's a very important thing that she wants to tell me but she said that I can't tell Johnny that I going there. So in the next day I desperately and also excited to go to yuka's house, but all of my excitement fade away as soon as I heard what yuka's saying and my tears suddenly come out. Yuka's saw Johnny with other girl, she saw them flirting at first I was hesitating if it's true or not but I know Yuka will never tell a lie specially about this matter. "I'm sorry I know this will be your reaction but I don't want you to suffer more" she said the we a sad look on her face. " I know that you really love Johnny but if I'm not tell you this, Johnny will break you even more, sorry for shocking you. I'm sorry" I don't know what to say that time my emotions is all mixed. "Thank you for telling me this yuka, I'm not okay but I'm honestly thankful that you tell me this." After that conversation I stop crying and decide to go home. It wasbpainful, it hurts but I still don't know what to do.

May 17, the day where I found out the truth, but still decided not to break up with him. I'm so naive to make that kind of decision.

One week after that day, Johnny called me. "Hey, it's been a week since you talk to me. You didn't also read my messages what's wrong with you? I'm so worried about you." When I heard that it frustrate me so much.

" what's wrong with me or should I say what's wrong with you! Wow so you're worried about me?!." He didn't talk for a minute but I know he was shock.

" What are you saying? Of course I worried about you you're my girlfriend after all."

"girlfriend you say? Am I your girlfriend which number 1 or 2?" I started to cry, I'm so frustrated that I think of hitting him when I see him.

" are you insane. What are you saying?"

"So you're pretending not to know anything. I endure the pain, your coldness, I trust you but I was so fool for doing that! It hurts so much it's breaking me when I found out the truth that you're flirting while you're ignoring me."

"What are you saying, it's not what you think"

"I'm not stupid Johnny, if it's not what I think so what it is? Please if you still love me just tell me the truth."

"I'm sorry. I love you but I'm a man she was the one came to me first but I promise you theirs nothing to worrie about we just meet once"

I was speechless when I heard that, it's more hearth breaking when you heard it with the person himself.

"I know, I understand. But I'm going to ask you, between me and her which side you want to choose"

" You"

"Do you love her? Also do you love me?"

"I don't love her, we're just flirting and I have you so why would I choose her."

"If you had me, why did you to that? If you're contended why did you flirt? Sorry for being so nuisance. I think that's enough I was fool enough to believe in your lies. Sorry but I'm not that foolish to do the same mistake for the second time. I love you, good bye"

I can barely speak that time because I was crying really hard, I know when I say that words everything will be gone but if I still continue this relationship, it's going to hurt me even more.

"What are you saying? That we're breaking up? We'll fix this. I'm sorry sorry, please believe me I'm not doing it again.........."

I heard enough, I don't want this and I don't want to let him go but I decide to hang-up the call.

It was painful, but I need to accept all this to build and face the stronger version of myself. Its so hard to face the reality that it was over. It been Couple of months before I accept all things that happening to me a realized many things so I picked the right path wherein I can fix the broken me.

it's been two years since then, I became a better person for myself. Even if it was a dramatic ending for us I know the both of us became a better person. Also I heard that he was ask to our friends if I was doing fine. By the way after 2 years before I saw Johnny every month when we have gathering, it was a bit awkward but I greatful that we became friends again after that. It was a rollercoaster ride but at least I survive the Battle and win the war.

POST TEST

Multiple choice

1.) How many years before I say Johnny?

A. 4 years

B. 3 years

C. 2 years

D. 1 year

2.) What is the opposite of nuisance?

A. Bother

B. Problem

C. Help

D.Burden

3.) What month and date did she find out the truth?

A. May 17

B. May 7

C. May 25

D. May 18

4.) What event will happen before Johnny confessed?

A. Birthday

B. Wedding

C. Concert

D. Graduation

5.) What is the opposite of humor?

A. Seriousness

B. Irony

C. Hilarity

D. Satire

6. What is the word similar of cherish.

A. Adore

B. Nurture

C. Indulge

D. All of the above

7. In what paragraph did the author first mentioned Johnny's name?

A. 7

B.3

C. 5

D. 2

8. Did the author mentioned the name of the main character of the story?

A. Yes

B. No

9. How many characters are mentioned in the story?

A. 9

B.6

C. 2

D. 4

10.What kind of point of view did the author use in the story?

A. First person point of view

B. Second person point of view

C. Third person point of view

D. Forth person point of view