#my existence isn't suffering

[en-somniac]

I don't understand why so many systems are so absolutely hellbent on being miserable.

I get it, okay. Systemhood is... complicated. It's often painful. There are so many pitfalls and misconceptions and misunderstandings. There are so many new ways someone could hate you. There is so much stress involved sometimes. I can understand why some people fight against the idea that it can be something good.

But god. Isn't it exhausting sometimes? Isn't there light in it sometimes? Can you not feel the inherent kindness tangled into your existence? The moments when someone in your system does something for another without even thinking. The beauty and gentleness in "I know you're struggling" and "let me handle this" and "I know this is difficult for you, let me try this time."

The inherent beauty in that?

Isn't it tiring, always being miserable?

My existence is not always a happy one. But it also isn't always a bad one. I am curved edges and sharp corners. I am sad smiles and quiet understanding. I am chocolate purchased for someone else, small gifts to my systemmates for when they front. I am momentary blinks of joy.

I am kindness and love, love for ourselves, love for our being.

And god, isn't that worth something?

isn't that beautiful?

#systemhood #somnics thoughts #anonymous writer #system #do not bring syscourse into this #I swear to god #I don't want it. I don't care #my existence isn't suffering #goddamnit #I'm so tired of seeing posts that it should be

[noknowshame]

why is religious Christmas imagery all so joyful and pleasant? where is the inherent horror of the birth of Christ? A mother is handed her newborn child, wailing and innocent. Her hands come away sticky. Red. Simply by giving her son life she has already killed him. He is doomed from the beginning. Her love will not save him from suffering. Because the thing cradled in her arms is not a baby, it is a sacrifice: born amongst the other bleating animals whose blood will one day be spilled in the name of what demands it. the night is silent with anticipation. Mary, did you know? That your womb was also a grave?

#instant conversation enders for my multiple youth pastor cousins #don’t say it (I’m gonna say it) #The Child is The Price #but i mean come on #as someone who isn't actually even christian the real-life historical version of this is still cursed as fuck #i mean we know that jesus was a person who existed. whatever circumstances he was born in #its terrifyingly ominous to imagine being so unaware of the affect your child will have on the future of humanity #time itself will one day be counted around your birth of him #and all because he will suffer an excruciatingly painful death that you will not be able to prevent #not only that. but regardless of his or your intentions #regardless of whether there is a god #for millenea unfathomable millions will have blood spilled and will spill blood in his name #atrocities will be committed that you cannot even conceive of #and all on his and your behalf #you love your child. its beautiful. but there's horror in what you've done. because everyone else will love him too #and what's more dangerous than that?

[minty-bunni]

Danny developing any chronic condition that leads to periods of joint stiffness (and other things, but the major part is stiffness) has a ton of angst potential in regards to his status as one of the living.

Imagine being something in between life and death and then your joints get all stiff for the first time. I'd imagine someone in that situation who is unsure of their humanity *might* just jump to thinking it was rigor mortis starting to kick in.......

#danny phantom #welp guess I'm not a kid with cool powers because my body is doing corpse stuff now #except it isn't doing corpse stuff it is doing my body is a torture chamber stuff #and let me tell you doing anything wjen your hands are stiff af is so bloody hard because dropping stuff constantly is a thing #and then you move like a zombie because sorry my knee is basically FROZEN in place rn #point is Danny with joint issues neurological issues or chronic illness is somethine this fandom can use #I personally hc fibromyalgia danny #because if I get to suffer with my body randomly pulling this bs then he does too #post exists because my left hand did the thing today and I was just like huh so this is what being dead feels like #then I was like wait a sec we can torture Danny with this

[coldforestnight]

This was genuinely the scariest part of the entire episode

#seeing him never get out kills me. #spending what must be decades in there as the same long-suffering sidekick/kicked dog/sonwife with no agency #and accepting it too. accepting this being the only reality he can exist in #the way that this ties into the episode overall re: morty realizing he can be independent from rick #and realizing morty DOESN'T actually want this. to be rick's puppet for the rest of his life #sure the ''i turned into my dad'' gag was true but what does that rly mean? #his dad isn't exactly in a healthy relationship #its good to see morty confront the fact that he needs a life without rick. or at least with less of him #and i'm excited to see how the show continues with that in mind #rnm

[alexoreality]

You might not have to hear this but some one piece ships literally don't make sense that it gives me the ick 🥲 (some ships i just respect and leave alone, i'll color them in blue.) (And the ones that give me severe trust issues is purple)

AceSan - ...okay... The smirk...? What else...? Trauma bonding?? What...? I mean, its cute, i can leave the ship alone and its fans. I think this ship stemmed from the way Ace was drawn looking at Sanji *my boy was greasy* Y'all are horny though.- (sorry. But they'll get along so well with supporting and stuff- TRAUMA. MY GUY. I KNOW IT WHEN I SEE IT 😭

HanLu - thats a grown ass woman.

LawLu - and thats a grown ass man. (But Luffy's 19- AGE GAP???)

ZoSan - i'm sorry HUH. The two men that insult each other 24/7 were being shipped??? HUH. (But they respect each other- I KNOW THAT??? BUT GODDAMN THE FICS DON'T GET THEIR CHARACTER RIGHT 😭 ZoSan is a well-liked ship, but don't consider them canon and that they'll kiss after Zoro defeats Mihawk)

ZoBin - THAT IS HIS MOTHER FIGURE.

SaboSan - ...They never met 😶... and what if they do? Trauma bonding again?... Y'all I'm sorry but huh- how. Legitimately I'M SPEAKING RATIONALLY, HOW THE FUCK WOULD TWO PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE??? THAT WAY???

UGH ITS JUST A 2D CHARACTER!!

Well DAMN YOU WEREN'T TREATING THEM LIKE THAT WHEN I WAS DISSING THEM??

#coming from a aroace so... y'all might think my opinion doesn't matter #my friends don't usually talk about their love lives in front of me cuz of it #but i've shown support and interest in them #i am the coach. not the player #zosan is really popular cuz they look hot with each other #i won't use their tags cuz i'm scared of getting comments #acesan i'll have a respect for since they do seem to have a chance to hit it off #also Sanji would've fucking kicked him if he tried 😐 #I once liked LawLu but i saw the red flags of the ship in general #age gap and all that also Law is stressed 24/7 with Luffy what #HanLu is just Hancock's reaction to a person treating her like a person. #and some people arr delulu enough to believe they'll be canon #SABOSAN. THAT SHIT EXISTS. Its funny that ASL is shipped with sanji and its Luffy having none of it bUT PEOPLE take is SERIOUSLY #i'm suffering what the hell #guys make the ship make sense #what?? the two of them look hot? #you think Franky isn't hot??? #SABO NEVER MET SANJI AND SANJI LITERALLY ONLH HEARS OF SABO FROM THE OTHERS #“its an au” well okay i won't argue there since ITS AN AU.

[thebroccolination]

This is a post to share that I am A QUARTER DONE with what is hopefully the last draft of my queer fantasy novel before I edit it and chuck it out to a ton of agents in the hope that one of them will read it and go, "Oh," in the emotional italics.

#kiranokira writes #writing a book is hard #you have to make up so much stuff and keep it internally consistent and junk #also like #did you know magic isn't real and if you include it in your book with rules it makes your life both harder and paradoxically also easier #my beautiful li'l queer book i'm hoping you're like a first tattoo in that it's taken me years to consider you and bring you into existence #and then subsequent books will be like 'i had an idea on the bus' and then the next day there are twelve more #(i have been told by published writers that every book is different and the suffering never ends so whee!) #original writing

[butwhatifidothis]

Christ on a bike. I use the “at least she admits she’s doing bad” as a running gag for my Tabaxi rogue when I play D&D with my friends. I can’t believe people are using it unironically for Supreme Leader.

And it's like, admitting that your actions were wrong... is a good thing! It shows a level of self-awareness that indicates the ability to do better! It's a crucial step in a character's redemption of said bad actions!

But, like... it's only as good a thing to have in a character if that character then, like... stops? Doing the thing they acknowledge as bad? Because if they don't then they come across as uhhh... more evil. Because they are aware of how horrible their actions are, and just. Keep doing them anyway.

Like! Oh good for Edelgard, she says that she'll take out TWS for all that they've done to people, she says that she wouldn't work with them had she known of all that they'd do (meaning! That what they did is WORTHY of disconnecting from them!), she says that she'd fighting for the weak, she says all the nicey-nice words that sound nice.

But like. She keeps working with TWS. And covers for them. And gets powerful weapons from them. And gives powerful weapons to them. And does know of all that they're doing and yet continues her allyship with them. And it's only after she's wrung all use out of them that she does anything about them, and not, like... when they were murdering everyone, including her own people. And she didn't stop them from doing that not because she was, like, forced to or anything, but literally because she wanted to use them for her own ends.

And she like. Sacrifices her citizens. Sometimes horrifically, like Remire, and sometimes by her lil' ol' lonesome like when she hides behind her people in Enbarr. And again, never forced to do any of this whatsoever; it's her active and willful choices that caused these things to happen.

SERIOUSLY MAN like a character who's written to acknowledge this sort of shit as evil and yet keeps doing it anyway because it benefits them isn't the win people think it is for the ~righteousness~ of Edelgard's character. If she only stops performing an evil action (siding with and directly helping TWS) so that she can do ANOTHER evil action (imperialistically and tyrannically rule over Fodlan through military force) then guess what!! She's just evil!!

#ask #anon #anti edelgard #anti-edelgard #edeigard critical #edeigard discourse #just to be safe #it's like she's going ''it's bad to shoot people in the head'' *shoots someone in the head* ''well it helps me to do that so rip'' #makes her seem like. preachy and sanctimonious and hypocritical #''better war than peace built on suffer'' *please ignore how much suffering my ''peace'' will be built on* #it's like she took one step in the right direction and then raced Usain Bolt to backtrack that one step as far as she could #like YES she isn't a mustache twirling kukuku'ing jabroni but i NEED edelstans to realize that that isn't the only version of ''villain'' #that exists

[ereborne]

Song of the Day: February 17

“DYWTYLM” by Sleep Token

#song of the day #Sleep Token really saving my sanity as we navigate this dark and uncertain time without an upgraded sibling singalong playlist #had to go out into the snow on under two hours' sleep to get groceries #(the farmers' market gave me kefir cheese so any amount of suffering would've been worthwhile but I couldn't know that at the time) #and getting into Nick's car knowing there was music I could request that he could play loud as he wanted and I wouldn't want to cry #I mean blessing isn't even a strong enough term. baking a cake for the Sleep Token guy (his name is Vessel) as we speak #anyway this song sounds incredible in the original and then so odd sung acapella. like singing a bass line just a couple beats repeating #polar opposite of my lady indie covers. a song rendered fully unrecognizable when I wander the house mumbling it to myself #the verses do alright I suppose but the chorus is out of the question. the lyrics are so strong too real gut-punch lines #'and my reflection just won't smile back at me like I know it should / and I would turn into a stranger in an instant if I could #and there is something eating me alive I don't know what it is / maybe not that you conceal your feelings they just don't exist' #the whole song is like that it is so so so good. every new Sleep Token song I hear I'm like oh of course yes I see why these are fic titles #(Sleep Token catching up to Fall Out Boy and Hozier in terms of lines I've seen as fic titles. I mean we are really getting up there #and I am definitely not immune. if/when I put up those fanmixes y'all are gonna be seeing some Sleep Token let me tell you) #edit: it stands for 'Do You Wish That You Loved Me' I just realized I never said #didn't even pick lyrics that include it which is nuts when you realize that every verse does twice. whoops

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

.

#i figured it would be nice if usamericans could not make posts about how jk rowlings transphobia is an online white person thing #because okay look i dont expect people in your country to know about it #but over here she is using her wealth and status to actively harm trans people #trans people in the uk are suffering due to her #she is a fucking threat to us #to our lives #to our existence #maybe not everyone in the uk knows about it but that doesnt fucking matter #what matters is the fact that joanne rowling is one of the wealthiest people in the country and is held in high regard and has actual sway #in politics and has been using all of that to actively harm us #and im sorry but you can fuck off with your ''bestie its not that deep'' #it is that deep #our priminister felt comfortable making a transphobic joke in the house of commons when the mother of a recently murdered trans child was #spectating and despite being given multiple chances to apologise he didnt #i regularly have to avoid the news as a trans person in this country because its so fucking depressing that i worry for my mental health #im not gonna start arguing with whoever made that post because i just dont have the energy #but jesus fucking christ #maybe for you it is a chronically online white queer thing #because YOU DONT LIVE HERE #YOU DONT LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY #so idk maybe dont fucking tell us to calm down about it #maybe recognise that a post isn't about you and just scroll past #dont invalidate the genuine threat that woman poses to us #i dont care how jk rowling is seen in your country to be honest because it really doesnt matter at this fucking point #not every thing is about your fucking country #vent post #delete later

[gothamcityneedsme]

hopefully smtv vengeance like. adds some stuff to clarify on things left by the wayside in the original game. im looking at some forums and such on some of my remaining questions and they're like. nobody knows lol. smtv has suffered a bit too clearly from the cutting room floor i think

#shitpost #tao and her whole. situation. #aogami is weirdly nonpresent in all endings except one #Yuzuru honestly gets so little content esp compared to Dazai! #and my current irritation--the beginning of the game narration is just. not voiced by any existing characters in the game #like. who the HELL is that supposed to be. #and WHY isn't that answered in any way whatsoever #(and before anyone says smtiv's beginning wasn't answered: incorrect. it's very clearly the White) #(and almost everything they say is easy to decipher. there's like 2 lines that are references of some kind that ive never seen anyone figur #(but like. i assume those suffer due to translation jank? who knows. anyways. the hebrew is right though lol) #but anyways. back to smtv. there's just some disjointed unorganized parts #i hope the next game just like. i hope they don't feel like they have to bloat it with all the new plot? #idk i just hope some stuff is. elucidated on. the world of smtv IS good #and the characters ARE really interesting. but there's a lot missing and a lot of weird jumps #things picked up and sort of dropped etc. #i still LOVE it you just feel a distinct difference of it vs smtiv/smtiva especially #also compared to strange journey redux. aka all the 'newer' smt releases

[paisleywraith]

Beyond your comprehension. 

#mysterion #kenny mccormick #An inhuman creature inhabiting a mortal shell #In which the netherworld is a real thing so HP Dickshit isn't a good author he's just a pos who could see things #In my aus Kenny is actually a creature rather than actually human- not that he knows that #Something outside the plane of existence inhabiting a mortal shell #Which is why the plane he now resides in wants him The Fuck Out #Pity he keeps dying and coming back anyway #Kenny doesn't know any of this #And lives his existence wondering why he was born to suffer

[nostalgia-tblr]

I had another fic idea and the brain was like "no, that's too fluffy and romantic and YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO WRITE NICE THINGS, PEOPLE WOULD JUDGE YOU" but then I went "but what if it was kind of... comedy fluff?" and brain went "...yeah, okay, if you really must." Which I fucking HATE! Why can't I write nice things, brain?! Everyone else is allowed to! FFS, it's fanfiction, it doesn't have to be ~deep~ or any of that shit!

This has actually been a bit of an issue when I'm trying to write The WIP because while I told myself yeah sure go ahead and write the massively self-indulgent epically long (by my own odd standards) fic but still sometimes I get stuck because I'm not "allowed" to write something that appeals to me and my own sometimes niche interests??

Like angst I can do because that's "proper" somehow? WTF is that about? It's not proper! It's still daft! And comedy I'm allowed because I dunno apparently if it will make someone laugh that means it has "value"? It's very annoying, I don't like it.

Do other people have this? How do you deal with it? You'd think after all this time I'd be okay with writing any old shit that I want to. If anything it might be worse now. I remember years ago I could tell myself "Look, if you've spelled most of it correctly then it's already in like the better half of all the fanfic on the internet" which isn't really TRUE but I could go along with that and let myself write whatever-the-fuck I wanted to.

You know how many of us go "I'll write this fucked up thing... but I'll post it as Anon"? I get that with fluffy fic ideas as well. Or with things that are "too shippy" (WTF?) It's just such a stupid and weird form of self-criticism and it bothers me a lot.

#ranting at myself #writing stuff #possibly this is a mental illness thing but i don't think it is but it might be? #i am Quite Mad but it usually manifests related to fic as the usual “you suck!!” or irritating OCD things about wordcounts or such #this is a VERY SPECIFIC thing and i don't even know where it came from? #maybe i'm just pretentious? do i look pretentious? i might be? #(the fluffy thing was sylki fic where spinning off on the 'oh no unable to express feelings!' they have to pass each other notes) #(the comedy element was that this is Bloody Stupid and also Mobius attempts to Help (oh no) and etc) #(will i ever be able/“allowed” to actually write that thing? dunno!) #the Frigga thing also suffers from “that bit is despicably adorable you should be ASHAMED of yourself” #.The WIP? currently stuck at “okay now he needs to Hold The Baby. this is an important bit you can't skip it. but babies are Too Twee” #“so you may NOT just write someone Holding The Baby because that's like something people might actually want to read!” #“the murders are fine you can write murders. murder isn't twee. babies are VERY twee though.” #PROBLEM: there are several babies in this fic and the next chapter is like... ENTIRELY baby-based #(the end of the entire fic is already written and it's Too Twee as well but i've kind of gone immune to that because it's existed a while) #(oh no did i just spoiler a Happy Ending?!) #(SPOILER: kind of. it depends who you backed in this race and whether you wanted them to Become Better People) #anyway am gonna post this now before i change my mind as i probably should #fic related

[bluesey-182]

my dog her whole life has had this very adorable front paw wave that she's done when she's excited or wants a bite of food, and as she gets older she doesn't have the balance in her back legs to support herself to do it anymore, but sometimes she still tries. and im sitting here realizing i may never have another dog that does that, and maybe i don't want to because then it's special to her, but maybe i do because it'd be a way to continue loving her while also loving another. and at the same time that it's heartbreaking, it's also beautiful to see her age to the point that, yeah, certain things are growing to be outside of her ability, but i get to love her through all the stages of her life, including the end

#this dog man #i know i talk a lot about my love and grief for her but idk. it's difficult seeing a dog age that almost died from sepsis #and then finding out she has cancer and watching her live well past the time the vets thought she had #but still knowing this disease will kill her #and it's almost like it's become a race between disease and old age #but she doesn't know about the existence of either #so it's beautiful watching her survival and holding onto each day with both of my hands #bc I'll take every day with her i can get that she isn't suffering #so yeah. it's both beautiful and it's a never-ending grief #text post

[malhare]

It’s so funny that Raimiverse Norman Osborn is sympathetic (though still admittedly a bastard) because EVERY other version of him is an unapologetic billionaire who just fucking loves blowing shit up and ruining the lives of every single person he encounters even outside of the Goblin persona

#Raimiverse Norman is my favorite because I love angst and suffering and watching a man being forced to do heinous shit against his will <3 #It isn't as fun when Norman AND the Goblin love fucking shit up (or when the Norman/Goblin split doesn't exist at all) #While Im ass deep in my Spiderman fixation I should just make a list of my fav variations of every villain #Hmm I really wanna rewatch the Deadpool movies though. Too much fixation too little time #malhare.txt

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

five's character suddenly makes a lot more sense when you look at it as a metaphor for a kid indoctrinated into an abusive evangelical church, who has been convinced that hell is real.

[longpost, talk of religious abuse--mainly the evangelical christian variety--after the cut.]

he's convinced that everyone who doesn't comply with the church's rules will go there; that leaving won't save you, because hell will be waiting for you in the end; and that everyone who claims to believe differently is lying and knows better, they're just pretending they don't because they don't like the idea of acknowledging authority in the time they have before hell catches up to them. and as much as he's been taught to be self-righteous and unsympathetic about people who '''choose''' hell, in practice he's the kid who goes around trying to have the 'so have you accepted jesus into your heart' speech with everyone he even remotely cares about, and won't back off about it even though it goes over Absolutely Fucking Terribly and he's being an asshole, because if he doesn't get them to convert when (he thinks) there's any chance they might have done so they will go to hell and it will be his fault.

and like, this adds a lot of layers to his hatred of nine and what he thinks (and in some ways is correct 🙃) that he stands for. but one of the big ones is that as far as he's concerned, nine can and will snipe people to send them to hell out of spite for converting to save themselves. one of the things that made him hate him so much--decide he Needs and Deserves to Die--is that he was told sandor made the decision to comply with the mogs because it was the Smart Thing to Do... and that nine punished him for it by murdering him brutally. and that given half the chance nine would do it to him.

for all he's been indoctrinated to value Having Power Over Other People and Deserving It Because You're Special, at heart five has major just world fallacy going on because he desperately wants to believe that everyone can be safe, and happy, and understand each other. that all that needs to happen for them to have that is to make the right choice. he doesn't actually believe the mogs are inherently Superior; he thinks they have the same fair shot as everyone else and that the only difference is that they will take that shot, and are honest that they're doing so.

whereas what is one of the other big things he hates nine for? the one that fills him with so much rage he has to stop reading about him? the idea that nine is inherently superior to him and the others, and deserves a better life, regardless of any choice they ever could have made.

he's told that the elders saved nine for last because he was strongest, and that the earlier numbers were cannon fodder because they were weak. he's told that he and the lower numbers were forced into hiding, made to suffer, to buy nine a little more time. and he's told that in the event he managed to survive that far, he would be nine's inferior--his servant--because he's a lower number.

five talks about how he's superior and deserves to rule everyone else because he has 'potential,' but it's not about how powerful he is because of his legacies; it's that he thinks he's willing to make the right choice. he thinks the idea of treating someone like they don't have a right to that choice because they're inherently worth less than others is absolutely fucking repugnant. and where the mogs get him is by twisting his idea of what constitutes Everyone Being Happy so far that they convince him their cause, which is doing exactly what he hates most, is the one that's fair.

add onto that that he's terrified of the idea that you can in fact just be completely fucked no matter what choices you make, and just gets more and more invested in coping via denial the clearer it becomes that he is the one who is utterly royally fucked no matter what he does, and... well, you get some real unfortunate end results to say the least. but like, that's where he's coming from.

so to wrap this back around to the evangelism metaphor: if you believe what five believes, the idea of someone being willing and able to do what nine does by sending someone to hell regardless of their own choice would be Existentially Horrifying to begin with! but it also goes against one of five's deepest core beliefs, both reasonable and Unfortunate Coping with Trauma. and when you pile that on top of the immense suffering he's gone through over it, the result is going to be visceral burning hatred.

anyway this post is already Long and i've got a lot more thoughts in me about it, but suffice it to say five absolutely is a metaphor for evangelical trauma, and how victims get weaponized into extensions of their church's abuse. and it's an evangelical survivor's nightmare, because the version of hell he's been taught to base his entire worldview around fearing is objectively real. 🥲

(the real smoking gun here? not only is the Great Book a really obvious analogy for the bible, but the name is a retcon. what was it called before that, while he's evangelizing about it no less?)

(the Good Book.)

(welp.)

#lorien legacies #LL number five #LL number nine #LL sandor #LL tag #cws in post #looking back at the characters and parts of the worldbuilding i got most invested in back in the day i am seeing a Pattern #and that pattern is called It's Religious Trauma All the Way Down #on both an individual and community level #the mogadorians and five /could/ have been a really good raw painful narrative about the grief; ugliness; and difficulty holding onto hope #for the culture you grew up in and the people who escaped it and the people who haven't and the people you couldn't help #and for the people who never wanted any part of it to begin with and are having to suffer for your community's systemic upfuck #it's why rereads have left me increasingly soured on adam; and made me appreciate rex more despite his own moral dubiousness #i thought adam represented grief and hope for the culture and community that traumatized you while refusing to go back to them #and instead he represented violent dehumanizing fuck-you-got-mine hatred and victim-blaming for Every Other Victim #instead of 'i recognize that the work of engaging with the community to help the victims inside of it is important and worthwhile' #'but i cannot be the one to do it because i cannot and will not have that community in my life anymore; therefore i will focus my efforts #on helping and protecting people who are targeted by the community from the outside when internal damage control isn't enough' #his narrative was to pull the ladder up after him; then torture every other survivor for the rest of their existence to atone for their sin #which...... hmmmmm....... sounds familiar.............. #whereas rex represents being able and willing to go back into the burning building as many times as he needs to #because there are children in there #anyway. subject for another post #dyn: lost boys #dyn: but i'm helping you anyway

[yeslordmyking]

Thinking someone is a good person, and then learning their sins, and having to unlearn all the good things about them because they're meaningless without unless that person is in Christ...

That's like they're laying dead in your arms, and then they revive and do something good, but you can't allow yourself to feel good about it because you know they're just going to die again

#please stop dying i love you #this is why we are only meant to love God because caring about humans is a sick sick cruel trap that never stops punishing you #this is about a stranger I'll never meet btw so just imagine how absolutely pathetic of a person i am to feel like this #can you please take my ability to feel away Lord it just makes existing hurt #I'll have to watch everyone i care about that isn't baptized and living holy eternally suffer one day. fun 🙃 #i'll probably delete this later