I don't understand why so many systems are so absolutely hellbent on being miserable.
I get it, okay. Systemhood is... complicated. It's often painful. There are so many pitfalls and misconceptions and misunderstandings. There are so many new ways someone could hate you. There is so much stress involved sometimes. I can understand why some people fight against the idea that it can be something good.
But god. Isn't it exhausting sometimes? Isn't there light in it sometimes? Can you not feel the inherent kindness tangled into your existence? The moments when someone in your system does something for another without even thinking. The beauty and gentleness in "I know you're struggling" and "let me handle this" and "I know this is difficult for you, let me try this time."
The inherent beauty in that?
Isn't it tiring, always being miserable?
My existence is not always a happy one. But it also isn't always a bad one. I am curved edges and sharp corners. I am sad smiles and quiet understanding. I am chocolate purchased for someone else, small gifts to my systemmates for when they front. I am momentary blinks of joy.
I am kindness and love, love for ourselves, love for our being.
"Dear Reader,
I don't know who you are, Reader, but I love you. I love the way you look. The way you think. Your opinions matter. You matter. You're not perfect, but I'll tell you a little secret: Perfect doesn't exist. It's an empty word, an unrealistic expectation. You're human. And you're amazing just the way you are. Flaws, wants, quirks, kinks, disorders, scars, dreams, grades, gender, sexuality, all of it. If you're reading this right now, you are strong. And brave. And kind. I'm so proud of you. I know life can get so hard… And there are much easier options. But you weren't born to die. You were born to live. Life will have its ups and down, but the ability to keep going, that's what makes you so strong, and what brought you here today. You're so brave to keep living in this sad, broken world. But just knowing that someone as bright and strong as you is in the world, makes mine a little brighter and happier. And the fact that you took the time to read a stranger's message this far, just proves how kind you are. And smart too ;) , people don't acknowledge it often enough, but reading truly is an incredible skill, which is taken for granted, just like you. You are so much more brilliant and powerful and wondrous than you or anyone else could ever imagine. That's why I love you so so much, and ask you to do me a little favor. Don't give up. You've made it so far already, and there's so much more living left for you.
Don't be scared to copy and paste this message to share it with others!
With infinite admiration and wishes of light, hope, and opportunity,
- Stranger"
Have you ever thought you knew someone but have never met them that you can remember?
How do I even begin..
It seems like the craziest thing to me and it is now coming back into my life again but way more intense this time.
Without sounding like a creep..
So, I have been dreaming of a person for as long as I can remember.
I have memories of this person. I have seen their face. I know this person. But I have never met them, in this life, that I can remember.
I have asked family about this person, describing what I know. No one knows who I could be talking about.
I have memories of being with this person when I was a child. I have gone through old dream journals and found times I wrote of this person. Things I forgot I had written, so long ago. It seems like it could be some magical fairy tale but it's not. It's really kind of crazy and freaks me out a bit, if I'm honest.
I'm not offended by what is happening. Whatever it is. Maybe if I was the person being dreamt of I would be!
Why would I keep dreaming of this person? Someone I have never met.
Am I meant to meet them? Why would I dream of them or have memory of them with me as a child? Comforting me. Rocking me. Talking with me.
Could this be past life memories? Why has it been so strong lately?
I have seen this person in so many, but have never met the person I am looking for. I don't even know if I am looking for them. Maybe they are looking for me!
The feelings I have, thinking about it, recalling dreams or memories scare me sometimes but they are oddly comforting as well.
This person feels like home to me. I can feel the most love. Something different. Something I have not known in this life. Just thinking of this person. But it is so far away. It brings me to tears sometimes but I also feel an overwhelming joy just knowing this person.
What is it about this person? I have tried to focus all of my thoughts on them before going to bed with the hope of inducing more revealing dreams. No luck. Just more dreams of this person. Faint memories of a life with this person in it.
So, where do I go from here? This has consumed so much of my free thinking time. This person has been on my mind so much lately, dreams, memories, everything and I have no idea why.
Maybe we will meet again. Maybe we will meet this life time. I guess I can only hope for a chance to finally get some answers.
If I ever did see this person in passing, I would probably not talk to them and then regret it!
So I guess it's back to dreaming. Maybe we will find our meeting place there.
Word Count: 1,887 - A Short Dark Friendship Tale Tw//dark themes and allusions
Beginning: Halloween is the most underappreciated holiday. Despite the holiday season that is upon us on October 31st, schools continue and work goes on. For Thanksgiving and Christmas, people get a whole week off from school, maybe work if the company doesn’t hate them, but not for Halloween. The last day in October. One day off shouldn’t hurt anyone.
Aleena Barnstein believed there would be no consequences for missing school on Halloween. Her mother doesn’t care for the school system and told her as long as she graduated, she could live her best life. Kaia Banderra, her best friend, did not have the same kind of mother but she knew how to bend the rules to go to the Halloween festivities with her best friend.
The Dark Unicorn Halloween Parade was the event of the year. It was a celebration of past Halloweens. The girls, Aleena and Kaia, have gone every year together since middle school, even if they had school. The girls did everything together like playing video games, exercising every day, wearing matching outfits, and even eating the same foods, except anything with gluten because Kaia was allergic, even to the smell of it.
The girls planned to go see the Dark Unicorn Halloween Parade. They would leave school and head to the starting point on Jasper Street. Standing at the starting point means when the last float passes, it would be an opportune moment to leave and eat lunch before the crowd disperses. For lunch, they were going to have pizza bites, of course, Kaia was going to have the gluten-free version. But the girls loved having matching lunch boxes and matching lunches. Then, both get home by 5:30 for dinner, and back out for trick-or-treating.
In first-period English, the girls came to school in costume as the twins from The Shining. They put on matching blue dresses and backpacks so they could look eerily similar. Their English teacher commented on how well done their costumes were and even started mixing up their names in class as a funny joke.
Aleena drops her pen on the floor on purpose so while picking it up she can let Kaia know the Uber is about to arrive. Aleena’s mom doesn’t mind paying the Uber charge since it means her daughter won’t be hitchhiking in from school.
After first period, the girls walk straight out the door and don’t look back. It’s not hard to leave school in a crowd of people. The teachers are all in class getting ready for the next class, and the ones that stand in the hallway are watching out for girls with short skirts, spaghetti straps, or some other dress code violation they would never punish boys for. It’s Halloween; all the girls are attempting to get away with not wearing the usual school clothes. No one's checking the door to make sure students aren’t leaving.
Middle: The girls get into an SUV that’s spacious enough for them to put their bags on the ground. They both look at the driver, noting in their head his scar. They do their best to show no expression and be as polite as possible. It wouldn’t be ideal for them to be standing in front of the school waiting for another Uber. The driver has a scar over his left eye that reminds them of the scar from The Lion King. Aleena confirms to the driver that they are going to Jasper Street for the Dark Unicorn Parade. Kaia puts her phone in her bag and starts talking to the driver. Kaia believes it’s important to show Southern hospitality. He drives the car but doesn’t answer any of Kaia’s questions. Some Uber drivers love to start up a conversation, but this guy seems to only want to mind his business. The girls whisper as silently as possible about the cool scar on his face. They notice the guy keeps looking at them in the rearview mirror so they slouch to stay out of sight. Once they are at their destination, Aleena takes out her phone and tips the man $3 through the app just in case he gets upset by the fact Kaia kept trying to talk to him.
The girls step out of the car with their backpacks and onto the sidewalk next to all the bystanders. Everyone is screaming, dressed in costumes, having a fun Halloween. They hate that they have to wear their backpacks, but since they’re not going back to school, they couldn’t leave them. About five minutes later, the girls see the first float start its engine. It’s a huge blown-up black and grey unicorn driving down the street. The girls stand next to each other while holding hands watching the float go down. They point at the ones they like and make cute little jokes. Aleena tells Kai a joke she’s been working on. She says, “Hey, look at that ghost. Why do you think he’s on a treadmill?” Kaia knows where the joke is going and she says why. Aleena responds, "Because he has to keep his 'ghoulish' figure." Aleena questions if she gets it. Then Kaia says she has to go to the bathroom, but Aleena doesn’t want to leave. Kaia asks her again to go with her, but Aleena says it’s only a few feet away. Kaia gives up and stomps off to the bathroom.
After five minutes and realizing it’s not fun standing alone, Aleena thinks to herself it’s a bit selfish to make her friend go alone so she heads to the bathroom.
Aleena waits outside the bathroom for ten minutes. Kaia doesn’t come out. Aleena goes in and calls out Kaia’s name. After disturbing looks from other women in the bathroom, Aleena checks in and under every stall. After the last woman leaves the bathroom, it’s eerily quiet. Aleena pulls out her phone from her pocket and sends several text messages to Kaia. Her first message is calm. She asks Kaia how much longer she will be in the bathroom, but after 5 more minutes, Aleena checks the bathroom again. Empty.
Aleena leaves the bathroom and heads back to the spot where she and Kaia were standing. She sends more texts to Kaia, this time in a more furious tone. Her mind starts to race after her last message goes through.
“Stop playing this isn’t funny.”
“Stop being angry with me and let's go.”
“I hate you; you’re always dramatic for no reason.”
“You’re really going to do this to me. I wish we were never friends.”
As soon as she sends the last one, her throat starts to constrict and her eyes start to tear up. Kaia, in the past, has gone off in fits of rage when Aleena doesn’t do what she wants. She rarely says when she’s upset and she just leaves. Aleena assumed Kaia could walk 100 feet to the bathroom by herself and let her see the entire parade.
Aleena decides to move on and go back to watching the parade. She feels lonely but focuses on the parade in order not to see all the people smiling with their friends, laughing, and having a good time while she and her friend are separated.
20 minutes later, and the parade is over. Kaia has still not shown up. Aleena keeps texting Kaia but gets no response. Aleena requests an Uber and sends it to Kaia. She's hoping the request will draw her out and they can go home. When the Uber arrives, Kaia is still nowhere to be found. Aleena sits in the car and asks the Uber to wait while she takes a call. Aleena calls Kaia and the call goes straight to voicemail. She tells the Uber driver to go and he turns his head and asks if she's sure.
Aleena recognizes the driver as the man with the scar. Shocked by his return, she freezes in the back seat. He repeats his question and asks, “Are you sure?” In that moment, Aleena thinks to herself she should run, get a new Uber, keep looking for Kaia, or just leave her. When Kaia gets upset with her they usually aren't ditching school, so her mom would pick her up or she would walk home. This is different.
End: The man questions her again, and Aleena says she's sure she's ready to go. The man drives Aleena to her house. Aleena gets out of the car and says thank you. She tips the man $5 and tells him to have a nice afternoon. Aleena checks her phone to see if there's any text from Kaia, but there is none. Aleena goes into her house and takes a nap on her couch. When her mom gets home, she wakes her up and asks her about the parade. Aleena dodges her questions and tells her mom Kaia didn’t leave with her. Her mom asks if she's called her and Aleena confirms she tried. Her mom tells her to call again and if Kaia doesn’t respond, she'll call her mom. It's 7:00 pm, so Aleena's mom decides it's time to call Kaia’s mom.
Knowing that Kaia didn't have permission to be at the parade, she asks Kaia's mom if Kaia was around to speak to Aleena. Her mom says she's not back from school but she'll get back to them when she can.
Both Aleena and her mom are concerned, but they wait by the phone for 2 more hours until Kaia’s mom calls back. Kaia’s mom asks if Aleena saw Kaia at school. Kaia’s mom tells Aleena’s mom she talked to the school and she was absent from most of her classes. Aleena’s mom offers to come over and look for Kaia.
Aleena starts to feel sick to her stomach as more concern grows for her best friend's whereabouts. She thinks back to Kaia’s request for her to go to the bathroom. She feels an unsettling amount of regret over not going with Kaia to the bathroom. She checks her phone and sees no new calls or texts from Kaia. She texts Kaia one last text saying she’s sorry and she hopes she’ll come out and forgive her. Aleena stares at her phone for 5 minutes before deciding to take more drastic measures.
Aleena goes into a social media app to check and see her best friend's last location. 5 minutes ago, Kaia was at Aleena’s house. Aleena stares at her phone, checking to see if the map was correct. It showed Kaia's last location to be at Aleena’s house. Horrified by the fact she didn't check sooner, Aleena checks every room in her house to see if Kaia slipped inside. Kaia is not in the house. Aleena thinks to herself maybe her phone is here. Aleena checks her backpack. She checks the bottom pocket to see Kaia’s phone. Aleena looks at all the message notifications and realizes her best friend is truly missing.
Aleena’s mom comes back and tells Aleena her best friend was found dead outside of town. The police believe she was picked up by a hitchhiker then dumped on the side of the road. Her mom tells her the cause of death was an allergic reaction. Aleena looks in her bag. The one that matched Kaia’s. She finds an epipen. They had switched bags.
I'm totally in support of the writers in theory but I'm trying to understand more of what you're fighting for because I've seen some people on twitter claim writers make more money a week than most of us make in a month so I'm trying to understand what the issue is. Also if that info is accurate. This is a genuine question. Not trying to have a "gotcha moment". I really want to hear from a writer.
people have always had wild misconceptions about how much a writer earns because of their lack of understanding of how the industry actually works. there's so many posts about how "you guys make 5k a week. what more do you want?!" yeah...let's do some math on that.
5k a week for 14 weeks (and that's a long room. a lot of rooms these days are 8-10 weeks. those are the dreaded mini-rooms we're trying to kill) is $70,000. for roughly three months of work. you'd think we're cooking with gas...BUT HOLD UP. that's gross! let's see everything that has to come out of that check:
10% to our agent
10% to our manager
5% to our entertainment attorney
5% to our business manager (not everyone has one but a lot of us do. i do, so that's literally 30% immediately off the top of every check)
most of these breakdowns ive seen downplay taxes severely. someone made one that says writers pay 5% in taxes and i would like to ask them "in what universe?". that doesn't even cover state taxes. the way taxes work in the industry is really complicated, but the short of it is most of us have companies for tax reasons so we aren't taxed like people on w2s/1099. if we did we'd be even more fucked. basically every production hires a writer's company instead of the writer as an individual. so they engage our companies for our services and then at the end of the year we (the company) pay taxes as corporations or llcs (depending on what the writer chose to go with). my company is registered as a "corporation" so let's go with those rates. california's corporate rate is 9% and the federal corporate tax rate is 21%. there's other expenses with running a business like fees and other shit so my business managers/accountants/bookkeepers have recommended i save between 35-40% of everything i make for when tax season comes.
you see where the math is at already??? 25-30% in commissions and then 35-40% in taxes. on the lower end you're at THE VERY LEAST looking at 60% of that check gone. 70% worst case scenario. suddenly those $70,000 people claim we make are actually down to $28,000 as the take home pay. and that's if you're only losing 60%. it goes down to $21,000 if it's 70%.
lets pretend you worked a long 14 week room (that's the longest room ive ever worked btw) and let's also be generous and say you only have 60% in expenses so the take home is $28,000. average rent in los angeles is around $2,800-$3,000. if you're paying $2,800 in rent that means you need AT LEAST $4,000 a month to have a semi decent life since you need to also cover groceries, gas, medical expenses, toiletries, phone, internet, utilities, rental and car insurances, car payments, student loan payments, etc etc etc. and again, this is los angeles. everything is more expensive so you're living BARE BONES on 4k. and these are numbers as a single person. im not even taking having children into account. so those $28,000 you take home might cover your life for 6-7 months. 3 of which you're in the room working. the reality is that once that room ends, you might not work in a room again for 6-9-12 months (i have friends whose last jobs were over 18 months ago) and you now only have about 3 months left of savings to hold you over. we have to make that money stretch while we do all the endless free development we do for studios and until we get our next paying job. so...3 months left of enough money to cover your expenses -> possible 9 months of not having a job. this is how writers end up on food stamps or applying to work at target.
this is why we're fighting for better rates and better residuals. residuals were a thing writers used to rely on to get them through the unemployment periods. residual checks have gone down from 20k to $0.03 cents. im not joking.
they've decimated our regular pay and then destroyed residuals. we have nothing left. so don't believe it when they tell you writers are being greedy. writers are simply fighting to be able to make a middle class living. we're not asking them to become poor for our sake. we're asking for raises that amount to 2% of their profit. TWO PERCENT. this is a fight for writing even being a career in five years instead of something you do on the side while you work retail to pay your bills. if you think shows are bad now imagine when your writer has to do it as a hobby because they need a real job to pay their bills and support a family. (which none of us can currently afford to have btw)
support writers. stop being bootlickers for billion dollar corporations. stop caring about fictional people more than you care about the real people that write them. if we don't win this fight it truly is game over. the industry as you know it is gone.
No but seriously why is Robbie's Dean so good and why can't anybody else write him that well?
berens: dean is the straight guy who led me on and broke my heart in college
gamble: dean is the gay guy who led me on and broke my heart in college
robbie: dean is just a little guy who likes to dress up in outfits and nerd out with his lesbian bestie oh and also he's in love with cas and everybody knows it but cas
anything with wing clipping. i once tried to do research on it for a fic and,, it is SO angsty
i got u fam <333 (i have way too much brainrot on this bear with me LMAO)
tips for writing ✨wingfics✨
!!please credit/tag me if you use this!! i'd love to see what you write!!
physical differences:
area where wings connect to their back is insanely sensitive!!
feathers falling e v e r y w h e r e
wings are big!! if the wearer hasn't had them for long, or is younger/inexperienced, they're gonna knock shit over
~birb noises~
they're actually really good singers with insane lung capacity, a lot of them are/could be opera singers
thin bones, so they're super light and even though most think it's embarrassing to be picked up so easily there's always One Dude who's like 'carry me everywhere'
smaller birds = smaller people. most wings correspond to a specific species, and hummingbird varieties are notoriously short (though never say that to their face, they will probably murder you <3)
unless the avian is a kind of waterbird (penguins, sometimes eagles) going into water will clog their wings and they could drown!! adding onto this i imagine that avians have special bathtubs and brushes and stuff so that they can properly clean their wings
on the flip side if an avian does NOT clean their wings they can get tangled or matted which a) is super painful b) could impact their flying and c) could cause sickness !!
dislocated wings >:(( this happens about as often as dislocated shoulders do with regular people. this can be caused by a couple things like blunt force, trying to manuever/twist wings in ways they aren't supposed to go, or flying too often/straining wings.
psychological differences:
preening!! it's intimate, but doesn't have to be romantic/sexual. obv there is room for very fluffy and romantic moments but it can be either way
flock!!! it's kinda like a family or a pack
the urge to Make a Nest and Only Let the Flock In
once the Flock is In the Nest then the Flock Will Not Leave Ever
molting!! old feathers fall out to allow new ones to grow in !
molting is basically the bird version of a period except all birds have it once or twice a year. they're more emotional, super sensitive, and extra clingy during molting!!
if an avian gives you one of their feathers it's basically a version of marriage, except it doesnt have to be romantic. its essentially a promise, like a 'we're with each other forever' kinda thing.
just as humans have discrimination, i imagine that avians have it too. more common species like songbirds, ravens, or crows are probably valued in society way less than those like eagles, doves, or parrots, and there could also be stereotypes against species like vultures or condors.
on wing clipping:
in my mind wing clipping is a lot like trimming your fingernails realllly sloppily, except the difference is that you should NEVER clip an avian's wings.
what i mean by fingernails is that the nails themselves don't hurt but if you do it sloppily there are Consequences: clipped too short -> irritated skin. clipped inconsistently -> sharp edges, snags on everything INCLUDING other feathers
huge violation of boundaries/self!! clipped wings -> can't fly. flying is integral to avian health and if they can't fly their mood and mental health will fall drastically.
clipped feathers take a long time to grow back, and therefore clipping has long-term effects. it also damages the feathers themselves (obviously) in ways that sometimes can't be healed
if an avian's wings are clipped their trust goes DOWN and their insecurity goes UP. its likely that if someone else tries to touch their wings they will freak out
clipped wings also make avians more jumpy and paranoid because they've lost their major way to escape/protect themselves: flying away.
angst potentials in wingfics (spoiler: there's a lot):
like i said, clipped wings -> can't fly. write about an avian's first time flying again. (not super angsty but still)
SUPER angsty: write about the actual act of wing clipping.
an avian is neglecting their wing care and tries to hide it.
relationship between a 'noble' avian (eagle, dove, etc) and a 'basic' avian (crow, raven, etc) and society's dislike of the relationship.
or maybe avians are a minority in a human world, and an avian has to hide their wings to be safe.
Oh, anon. You don't even know the can of worms you've just opened. Here are a few (a few!) of my favorites.
Firstly, teach me to love, as you have loved me by @birgittesilverbae. It's in the POV of Beatrice as she grows up in the OCS, putting Shannon, Mary and Lilith in the limelight as well, and the most recent chapter (12k!) has gone through essentially all of canon. It's about grief and family and warmth and loss and it's so fucking good. Cannot recommend this more.
Next I have sunday people (sunday shines for you) by @piratekane. Sundays are for the girls, by the way. if you even care. This is peak pining behavior, miscommunication that isn't just there for the dramatics, and Ava being The Best Girl Ever (and the most jealous girl ever). Fantastic fic.
Then there's show me something of a reckoning by @thirteenyasmin, which is a given, of course. Switzerland canon-divergent fic where, as the tags say, fake-dating becomes real-dating. As they deserve. Has some lines that will tear your soul to pieces in the best way.
Next is Nice jugs, a climbing AU by @cowboycatd. Do you know anything about climbing? No? Me, neither. But this series of fics describes it--alongside exceptionally-written flirting--masterfully. You should read Climbing AU.
Then I have falling (for you) like snow on christmas by @justawhitewall. Hallmark movie AU! They're much better when they're Avatrice, by the way. I read it during the posting and have reread it at least once a month ever since. Incredible.
Spellbound by @omomoification. Witch (kinda) AU! Will sweep you away into the world that's created and you won't even notice as the 15k goes by in a flash. Fucking gorgeous piece of art. Made me insane, made some people break the character limit while commenting.
the imprint of your soul on mine (feels nothing short of divine) by @the-penguinspy. Read this if you're feeling down, because you won't be when you're done. The softest thing you could ever read, and I read a lot of soft things. Fic that gives you a hug and a gentle kiss on the top of your head.
And last but certainly not least, A Bit of Earth by @whatwordsmiss. Full fic isn't posted yet but it is written, and this story is just... wonderful. It's about grief, it's about growing up, it's about falling in love and healing together and healing apart and being kind and, sometimes, in particular moments, it's about a Garden. A must-read.
i love machete so much i love characters that wrap their own suffering around them like a cloak. so steeped in their misery that they display it like a bug flashing predator eyes. makes his softer moments so very crucial when you know they're on a time limit
modern au where shuro is enamoured with a writer only known as touden. he loves their off beat humour, the startlingly poignant insights into the nature of people, the look into western culture and behaviour it offers him and the in depth niche knowledge. when he meets laios and co he's convinced touden must be falin, because who else could it be?? her bumbling brother that gets a little too excited when he talks about monsters and cryptids???? that dreaminess, the appreciation for the strange, her compassion, it MUST be her right? it's laios.
"Alright. All done," Denise said, carefully snipping the thread close to the last stitch she'd placed near Daryl's shoulder. "You're all set. Now do me a favor and don't rip through these, keep them dry, and don't do anything reckless for at least two weeks," she begged him.
Daryl was fingering a hex nut on a long, thin strip of cording around his neck but quickly started pulling his shirt back on. "Can't make any promises," he drawled, causing Denise to roll her eyes.
"What is that, by the way?" she asked him, nodding toward the unusual necklace. "I've never seen that before."
It disappeared beneath Daryl's black shirt as he buttoned it up but a small smile touched his lips and his eyes were soft. "S'just somethin' Y/N gave me for our—our anniversary, I guess. When I first met her, she came by Aaron's when I was workin' in the garage. She was lookin' for a hex nut to repair her bicycle," he laughed. "Bike didn't last much longer after that, long story. But she took the damn nut off and kept it for some fuckin' reason, maybe because she already knew that we'd be... somethin'. She knew way before my dumb ass figured it out. Anyway, she gave it back to me and said it's because I hold her together. Makes sense, 'cause she holds me together too."
Denise smiled fondly at Daryl. "I'm glad you two found each other."
Daryl hopped off the edge of the gurney he'd been sitting on and smiled. "Me too. And tha's the understatement of the century."
Your 3 part series of The South Downs Cottage are incredible!! I keep coming back to look at them, and my mind keeps spinning with all possible outcomes. It would be amazing if you were planning on part 4… is there still hope somewhere?? For the part 4, for THEM??? It’s devastating and breathtaking at the same time. Gorgeous work!