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drarrily-we-row-along · 2 years

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Day 195.6: Hobbies (Part 6)

It's been a minute since I worked on this one. Feel free to start here if you'd like.

Harry paced around his living room for what had to be the hundredth time by this point. He hadn't been able to stop pacing since he'd left Draco's office, wondering what the other man thought, wondering if he was going to come to see him. Wondering if this latest revelation was too much.

Wondering if Draco could see now that Harry was too much.

The knock on the door took him by surprise and he turned and stared at it uncertainly for a moment. Admittedly, he hadn't actually expected the other man to come.

Another knock and Harry stepped over to the door and opened it to find Draco standing on the other side. "Hi," he murmured.

"I need you to start that again," Draco said, as he pushed past Harry into the living room and collapsed on his sofa. "Rewind to the bit about you being a horocrux."

"Can I say a different thing first?" he asked, nerves sparking in his palms and the tips of his fingers.

The other man looked over at him and raised an eyebrow, "Of course."

"I don't actually want you to be my healer," he said, words all coming out in a rush. "I want to be better because I like you. Like a lot," he said and he could feel the heat rushing under his skin at the confession. "I really like you," he said again because he couldn't quite help himself. "I want to be safe for you."

Draco blinked at him and his breath rushed out in a long sigh. "Harry," he whispered.

"I thought I was okay if I never got to touch anyone again, you know? It was enough for me," he continued, trying to get the words out before he lost his nerve, "to not be a danger to others. Too many people died because of me, you know?"

(Read more below the cut)

"That wasn't your fault," Draco inserted quickly.

He nodded, "I know that," he said. "I know that now," he clarified. "Therapy really helped me to sort through my guilt and shame about things that weren't my fault but still happened because of me. There were a lot of deaths and injuries," he said, pausing to take a slow breath, "They weren't my fault, but people died because I wasn't ready to defeat him yet. I was a child," he added, "and it wasn't my fault but I wish I could have changed it."

Draco nodded, "You've done a lot of really good work."

"Then why am I still shocking people?" he asked.

"I have some theories about that, actually," Draco said, eyes bright, "but since I am not your healer, could I treat this like a conversation and say a few other things first?"

Harry folded himself onto the other end of the sofa, facing Draco as he nodded.

"I really like you too."

He couldn't stop the grin that spread across his face.

"A lot. And I don't think you need me to be your therapist," Draco said. "I'm not saying that you shouldn't go to therapy," he continued, "I think everyone should go to therapy. I go to therapy," he added, "it's really helpful for me."

Harry felt his body relaxing, magic settling under his skin. Draco didn't think he was crazy.

"But I don't think that you need me to be a therapist for you," he said steadily. "You don't need what I specialize in because that's not what your body is doing."

He tilted his head, "What do you mean?"

Draco hummed, "Your core has actual, physical damage done to it. Your magic isn't spiking out of a nervous system response most of the time. An instance like today being the exception. And I might argue that even with it being really triggering, if your core didn't have gaping holes in the shell, you wouldn't have lost control of your magic."

Harry hummed, he'd like to believe that, he really would, but it was hard to imagine that he was right about that. "I was really triggered by the people following me."

"Right," he said. "And that would make anyone nervous. That was a lot."

He swallowed and looked down at his lap, not quite sure how to accept Draco's easy acceptance of his panic attack earlier.

"That was really difficult," he repeated, "You intentionally put yourself in a very triggering environment, your response was completely understandable."

Harry swallowed around the tears that were threatening. He'd cried in front of Draco before but this felt different.

"Harry," he said softly, and he looked up to meet Draco's eyes. "I don't want you to feel like you have to do that for me."

"Sorry?"

"It's okay for you to have boundaries," he said softly. "I want you to have boundaries. I want to help you have boundaries that keep you safe and healthy."

He blinked, throat too tight around the tears there.

"I'm sorry I made that the only way for you to reach me." He took a deep breath before squaring his shoulders and giving himself a little nod, "The truth is that you did way more to let me in than I did to let you in."

His brows furrowed, "What-"

"It wasn't until the last time I saw you that it occurred to me that I'd stopped really trying to 'cure you'," he said with self-deprecating air quotes, "and was just enjoying being your friend. I'd been doing it for a while unconsciously, but it scared me to be just actively trying to build a relationship with you."

He took a slow breath, waiting, giving Draco the space he needed to be able to say the things he needed to say.

"Because it felt ridiculous, you know?" he asked. But before Harry had the chance to feel hurt, Draco was continuing. "It didn't make sense to me that you would want to be spending time with me if I couldn't give you anything other than my company."

"Draco, what-"

"I went to see my own therapist today," he said. "Because this is me," he confessed. "This is the thing I struggle the most with."

"Sorry," he said, shaking his head, "I want to understand. Please help me understand what you're trying to say," he said as earnestly as he could. "What do you struggle with the most?"

Draco took a deep breath, "The idea that someone could love me for who I am and not for what I can give them."

"Draco," he breathed, heart feeling like it had burst inside of him, hot brackish lava spilling out and burning up his insides.

The other man spread his hands like he was putting himself on display.

"I want you," he said. "Godric, I want you so much."

"Harry-"

"I love spending time with you," he continued, unable to stop himself now that he knew what Draco needed to hear. "I love all of the time we've spent together, I've loved getting to know you. I have treasured every little piece of you that you've given me in our conversations. You-" he shook his head, "You're amazing. You amaze me. I want you all of the time."

"Harry," he breathed, eyes full of tears, and Harry ached with the desire to hold him.

"I want to be able to touch you," he confessed, the next best thing to pulling Draco into his arms and holding him until the aches inside of both of them subsided. "I want to hold you so badly."

"Your magic isn't going to hurt me, Harry."

He huffed a laugh, "You keep saying that."

"Because I mean it," he insisted.

"Right, but the healers I saw before I left-"

"Had a fundamental misunderstanding of magical cores, magic in general, and trauma," he inserted smoothly.

He sighed, rubbing his forehead, "tell me more."

Draco straightened, "Your magic isn't going to hurt me because you don't want to hurt me."

"It can't be that simple."

The other man gave him a little smile, "It is and it isn't. I'd be willing to bet that your accidental magic is the stuff of legends."

He huffed, "There have been a few memorable instances."

Draco quirked a grin at him, "Could you repeat what you'd said about being a horocrux?"

"When I was an infant, when Voldemort tried to kill me, he left part of his soul behind. We had a weird connection throughout my childhood. I could feel his magic, feel his imprint inside of me before I understood why. It went both ways, both limiting and enhancing my magic, I think."

"Can you say more about that?" Draco asked.

He laughed, "Now you really sound like my therapist."

"I don't mean to," he said with a frown.

"It's okay," he said. "I want you to know me," he added, then thought about those words for a moment, "Yeah. That's true," he laughed, "I want you to know me."

Draco smiled at him, "I want to know you."

He grinned dopily at Draco for a long moment because he enjoyed the sound of that sentence so much. "Right," he said, shaking his head. "So. Basically, the piece of Voldemort's soul inside of me magnified emotions like fear and anger in particular. My biggest incidences of accidental magic happened from those emotions. Which makes sense when you think about the way a horocrux does that too."

"I think you probably understand the effects of horocruxes better than anyone. There's not a lot of modern understanding of them," Draco said.

"Fair," he conceded. "Well, maybe you can trust me when I tell you that they do that? Like, have you watched Lord of the Rings?"

"I have no idea what that is."

Harry groaned and made it part of the mental list he kept for future movie nights. "Never mind. We'll watch it another time. My point is that I could feel him in my anger and fear in ways I couldn't in other parts of my magic. It makes sense to me that he was magnifying and fortifying those parts of my core. And it makes sense that when he was taken out he left holes that fear and anger would leak out of."

"Can I challenge you on that?" Draco asked, "Just a little?"

He nodded, "Sure."

"I don't think your core is only seeping those things. I think your core is seeping magic that relates to any emotion but your anxiety and fear of hurting people hijacks it."

"What do you mean?"

Draco hummed and seemed to be switching tactics, "What is safe magic for you to perform?"

"Cleaning," he replied immediately. Cleaning had been one of the first things he started allowing his magic to do again.

"Great," he said, "So cleaning never feels like it's going to hurt someone?"

"How could it?"

He nodded, "Right. But," he continued, "if you're feeling something like anger, that could be dangerous for the people around you."

"That seems logical," Harry said, certain that this was what he'd just told Draco. It made sense that his anger spewing out in the form of magic would be dangerous.

"Imagine a time when you were sad, did you feel like it was dangerous for the people around you?"

He shrugged, "It could have been," he said, remembering how his sadness had manifested as anger in his lifetime. And it was fair and true to say that he didn't like to feel too sad around other people; he didn't want to burden them with his grief too often.

Draco gave him a little grin, "I'm setting you up," he informed him.

Harry rolled his eyes, "Thanks for the warning."

"Imagine the last time you were feeling something akin to love for someone. What happened then?"

His mind was immediately drawn back to that night when they'd kissed on this very sofa but he pulled back hard on the reins, that was way too much of an admission, way too fast.

"Like with Ron and Hermione," Draco suggested. "Or perhaps Teddy?"

That was easier. "Alright."

"How did you want to respond? Did you want to touch them? Give them a hug or a pat on the back?"

"Sure, I wanted that," he said because it was true.

"Did you do it?"

He shook his head, "No. Because touching them could hurt them."

"Ready?" he asked, looking at Harry like he was about to drop a bomb on him.

"I would have said 'yes' but I don't really like the tone of your voice," he replied.

Draco hummed. "I could be wrong about this, but I don't think I am."

"Oh good."

He shook his head and took a deep breath, "Do you think it's fair to say that you are afraid that loving people could hurt them too?"

And his gut reaction was to say no. He wanted to simply deny it. Love had saved him; many times over. But his love hadn't saved others; his loving people and them loving him in return had put them in harm's way a lot of times. "I meant it when I said that I didn't believe it was my fault that people died."

Draco nodded, giving him space to work through his thoughts.

"I don't think that I caused their deaths," he said, testing it out to see how the words felt. "But," he said softly and Draco's head tilted in sympathy, "I do feel like maybe if I hadn't loved them and they hadn't loved me that they might not have died." He felt a tear spill down his cheek. "I'm not responsible for their deaths," he repeated, a mantra he'd carried with him for years at this point. "But I do think that if it weren't for love, they would still be here today."

"Yeah," Draco whispered softly, warm and full of understanding. "It feels like what is coming out is fear or anger, but what's coming out is all of your emotions until your anxiety takes over."

"That's," he blew out a breath. "That's a lot."

"Yes," he conceded. "You aren't going to hurt me, Harry," he repeated.

"How do you know?" he asked again, because that's what this seemed to prove, really. Love triggered anxiety which made him zap people.

"Because you don't want to," he said again. "Your magic has never hurt me. Your magic has tried to keep me safe, your magic has tried to tell me you feel safe, your magic has tried to make me feel really-" he broke off and bit his lip.

"Really?"

"Good," he breathed. "Your magic really wanted me to feel good," he finished.

"Yeah?" he asked, throat going a little dry.

Draco's eyes met his and Harry felt like he was on fire, "Yes," he whispered, licking his bottom lip.

"Draco-"

"Kiss me," he murmured.

"Draco-"

"Harry," he said, voice soft and a little desperate. "Please."

He swallowed, "I have an idea."

Draco nodded, "Yes."

Harry laughed, his magic bubbling under his skin, "You don't even know what I was going to say."

"I don't care," he replied. "I'll do anything if it means you'll kiss me again."

"Merlin," he sighed, closing his eyes and trying to make his brain work correctly. "I really like you."

"I really like you too," Draco replied and at the sound of how much closer his voice was Harry opened his eyes to find Draco leaning closer, mere inches from him.

"I don't trust myself," he said. "I want to kiss you but I don't want to touch you."

"Okay," Draco replied, eyebrows furrowing as he tried to work out a solution.

He blew out a breath, "I don't mean this to sound kinky-"

Draco's eyes sparked as they darted from Harry's lips to meet his eyes, clear and eager. "I'm not opposed."

Harry huffed a laugh again, "You still don't know what I was going to say."

"It doesn't matter."

"I want you to tie me up," he finally managed, blocking out all of the ideas flooding his brain. "Then you set the pace, you have the control. If it's too much or it hurts you, you can just stop."

Draco's fingertips brushed feather light over Harry's cheek and Harry's eyelids fluttered shut, his magic rushing under his skin, flooding his body and his senses. "I'm not afraid of you," Draco murmured and Harry clenched his fists at his sides to resist the urge to grab him. "But if that is what it takes to make you feel safe, I will gladly do it."

All of the heat from Draco's body disappeared suddenly and Harry's eyes snapped open to find that he was standing in front of him.

"Show me the way to your bedroom," he said. "And you can read into that as much or as little as you like."

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