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dinosaurtsukki · 3 years

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BSD x university au hc’s | pt. 1

hi i am an absolute slut for university au’s in case you couldn’t tell so i just had to write some for my first BSD post. also this is going to be slightly ooc because i am a crackhead

check out pt. 2 here

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Atsushi Nakajima:

he’s definitely the kind of guy who still had no idea what he’d take up in university even after he was accepted

either wants to not major in anything at all or just major in everything because he’s also scared that he’ll eventually not like what he’s majoring in

so for his first two years you’d probably find him jumping around different classes

also he still calls the professors ‘teacher ____’ like a high school student and everyone laughs but thinks its cute

eventually, because of his *cough cough* traumatic childhood he decided he wanted to help children by becoming a guidance counselor

he ends up taking Child Psychology and bOY does he love it so much

well he actually just loves all of his classes because Learning is Fun

although because of his *cough cough* traumatic childhood he’s the one in class that people are all like 👀👀

atsushi: *talking about children’s responses to fear and emotional abuse by talking about his own emotional abuse*

the professor, under their breath: wait, do you need help??

i can definitely see atsushi as a Roommate of the Year kind of guy. he’s just so polite and tidy with his room. also he’d definitely be the type to take care of plants inside the dorm room and put them on the windowsill

in terms of extracurricular activities, he’s definitely a sporty type of person so i can see him joining a varsity (something like Frisbee because he likes things that go whoooosh) but he’d probably join a student org that does stuff like community outreach

because of all this, he is a Very Busy Boy but his friends do manage to drag him out to parties once in a while

although atsushi would probably sit in a corner and drink only one beer for the entire night

he’s notorious for helping drunk people though. most of the time he’ll be putting blankets on people and making them drink water

if he knew how to drive he’d definitely be the designated driver

Akiko Yosano:

omg i’m so excited for this i love yosano so much

she’s the friend who’s just effortlessly awesome all around and a fricking MED STUDENT to top it all off

she gets a bit too excited when it’s dissection time but it’s alright she has good intentions

probably the only one in your class who doesn’t go and throw up whenever a cadaver is being used (actually do they still use cadavers i have absolutely no idea)

she also interns at the local hospital as part of her degree program but OMG yosano will not stop telling disgusting stories about the patients she’s had

everyone: *eating lunch peacefully in the dining hall*

yosano: so i pulled a guy’s toe out of a meat grinder this morning

everyone: sHUT UP

for some reason she still has a social life despite being a med student and it’s one of the mysteries of life i guess

yosano LOVES going out clubbing on friday nights. if you have the fortune of being her roommate, be prepared for make-overs and being dragged with her out to the city

she’s such a social butterfly like at every bar you go to, the bartender knows her name and her regular order. she’d probably end the night befriending a couple more people

also she’s amazing at karaoke i kid you not

as for extracurricular life, i don’t think yosano’s the type to join an org that’s related to her major cause like ‘what’s the point?’

instead, she’d probably go wherever her friends are because to her, she’ll enjoy any activity as long as she’s with people she loves

but when it comes to her own interests, i can definitely see yosano as someone who loves the outdoors, especially hiking after having to be cooped up inside clinics

it just makes her love and appreciate the value of life more

Kunikida Doppo:

ok, i KNOW he was a math teacher before he joined the ADA bUT i can’t help but think of him as a political science major ??

i can definitely imagine kunikida as someone who’d want to become a lawyer someday and would take political science as a pre-law

he does like the idea of following in the footsteps of great men but omg kunikida would absolutely hate the exclusivity of white, male political theorists

he is such a good student except for when his professor has some sketchy values then kunikida will !! fight him !! every !! chance !! he gets !!

raises his hand constantly to contradict his professor if they even tRY to defend thomas hobbes and authoritarianism

but other than that he’s probably the most diligent student out there. kunikida genuinely enjoys doing the readings for class and writing essays

also has such a balanced schedule that he can make time for anything and everything

except for when his friends dazai drag him out to parties and get a social life

despite how rigid he is, kunikida has absolutely no problem helping out others with learning. he often holds study sessions in his dorm room or in the library before exams

he also likes to volunteer in tutorial centers because he’s just like that

OH OH some of his ‘students’ suggested that he make crash-course type videos for political science and it took some convincing but eventually kunikida decided to go for it

he’s not the most tech savvy or photogenic person so it took some time for him to get used to things but after seeing all the comments from people who benefited from it, he decided to continue with his crash course videos

whether or not he’s the best or worst roommate is completely up to you. if you like someone who’ll basically micromanage your life from your daily schedule to your study habits, you’ll absolutely love him

he doesn’t like to go out for parties that much but he will if his friends convince him enough (kunikida’s an utter lightweight when it comes to drinking though)

Osamu Dazai:

i genuinely have a hard time thinking about what this guy’s major would be and tbh even his friends have been wondering what dazai’s major was for TWO YEARS

that’s because he keeps taking the most random ass classes like Basic Pottery or Intro to Molecular Biology in the same semester

idk how he even plans to graduate at this point

although to be honest, i can definitely see him as a philosophy major despite the fact that i LOATHE every male classmate i’ve had who’s a philosophy major (idk they’re always so condescending)

i feel like dazai’s just taking that because it’s somewhat challenging for him but to him, university life is just more of crazy experiences rather than learning

and oh my god has he gotten up to the weirdest shit

the number of times he had to climb gates or sleep on benches at three a.m. is too many to count

dazai also loves volunteering for random things like people’s thesis projects (once, he offered to be a snake venom tester to a bio student and they told him that was illegal) or even being the school’s mascot in games

also he and kunikida probably met each other in freshman year at an intro to philosophy class and oh my god did dazai get on his nerves

what’s worse was that they had to work on a group project together and dazai was MIA most of the time and it drove kunikida crazy

that is until dazai showed up last minute to pull an all-nighter with him for their paper and kunikida just couldn’t help but be impressed by dazai’s ~~intellect~~

they don’t exactly get along but they do have some mutual respect for each other enough to work on projects well

omg if dazai ends up being your roommate I WISH YOU LUCK

the first time you walked into your room dazai was microwaving a metal bowl and you had to run to stop it in time

also he has a tendency to wear his headphones and sing his favorite double suicide song out loud

kunikida please come pick him up

Edogawa Ranpo:

i love this one man so much i swear to god

ranpo is definitely the kind of person who just didn’t like school so when college applications came around he was just like ‘why bother though ???’

his friends did convince him by saying that he wouldn’t have to do subjects he wouldn’t like and just focus on his major (this is a lie btw)

is it a surprise that ranpo would choose forensic science ?? NO

he thinks its cool that he can learn about something he’s already super good at and it just gets him really pumped up to show off how good he is

LOVES getting praised by his classmates and professors

ranpo probably thinks lectures are boring as hell so sometimes he just,,, doesn’t,,, come,,, to class

if attendance IS required you can bet he’s bringing snacks and game consoles with him and sitting WAAAAY in the back of the room

Mukbang at a Lecture Hall with Edogawa Ranpo

his classmates think its cute that he puts on glasses before doing exams or answering his prof’s questions as a way to hype himself up

everyone calls him ‘The Greatest Detective’ and ranpo LOVES IT

despite that, he’s not too overly social he just likes being with his close group of friends UwU

he’s also someone you can drag around to places like the fair or an aquarium, but he’s not into clubbing or drinking for that matter

he DOES enjoy seeing his friends get drunk and mess with them though

ranpo isn’t into joining student organizations BUT he gets scouted a lot by detective agencies and he likes interning for them

i’m saying detective agencies because police are gross

ranpo did end up joining a baking club with the assumption that he would just be EATING the cake and not BAKING the cake

yeah he was just there for less than half a semester

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taglist (check out my post for details on being part of my taglist): @waitforitillwritemywayout @tpwkatsumu @laure-chan

#bungou stray dogs #bsd #atsushi nakajima #akiko yosano #kunikida doppo #osamu dazai #edogawa ranpo #bsd headcanons #bungou stray dogs headcanons #bsd writing #bungou stray dogs writing #bsd university au #bungou stray dogs university au #bsd imagines #bungou stray dogs imagines #bsd scenarios #bungou stray dogs scenarios

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quercus-queer · 4 years

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A Slice of a Normal Life au

Grace and Simon Edition... this ones long lmao:

They met at a train station as little kids and didn’t see each other again until high school

High school was rough for both of them and was really shitty in general so i’ll just leave that up to you but i’m starting with college

Grace ends up going to Juilliard and Simon feels betrayed because they were supposed to stick together no matter what

Plus Grace lied about it and put off confronting the issue until right before she left but Simon already felt something was up and his abandonment issues and other problems pop off so he distanced himself from her and started being a dick (sorry they’re still codependent and problematic at this point) until Grace goes off on him

She leaves and Simon has a breakdown and ends up in a psych ward but he does finally get some actual help and diagnosis (the high school counselor was trash), he never reaches back out to Grace and skips town afterwards which really impacts Grace and she’s just like... bro... do i need therapy too?

And then she actually seeks out a therapist with the intent to get better and does! She has pretty great time in college and makes actual friends in her dance program and ends up getting a girlfriend at some point... it was a long and pretty healthy relationship but ended on kinda bad terms, but she navigated her first relationship! Yay!

Simon is a dumbass and got with this girl he met while he was institutionalized... it didn’t go well but it was a relationship... it was like a few months long... but yeah... she also tells him to get a grip lol

I also changed my mind Simon doesn’t live with Samantha in high school, he tracks her down after his breakdown since he’s a legal adult and can do whatever he wants and lives with her and Frank afterwards

Simon starts working in a bookstore The Apex (its called that because they live on a mountain and its in the downtown of the city thats at the peak of the mountain) and actually really likes it and Samantha and Frank are good parental figures and he goes to actual therapy

There’s a little reading club for kids at the bookstore which is comprised of the Apex kids that he is in charge of now because the owner has her hands full (her, Simon, and a high school girl are like the only workers there)

Simon also gets a boyfriend he actually manages to keep and its a pretty good relationship and ends on relatively good terms since Simon’s actually getting therapy and has a good life set-up now so yay! He managed an actual relationship!

Samantha and Frank live in a cabin on this mountainous city btw which has a popular resort that Samantha manages and Frank is a chef there... it’s a very popular resort... a very common place for a retreat...

Grace and her dance crew in college take a trip there and she sees Simon and nearly dies, no seriously she was walking and then slipped and hit her head

She ends up in the hospital and her friends (she has actual good friends now) are like Grace what the fuck just happened you’re not that clumsy?

But you know who is? Simon, who is at the same hospital because Lucy from the kids club who is also a clumsy disaster got a fucking pencil in her eye and he had to drive her to the hospital

He sees Grace and doesn’t know whether to laugh cry or say hi so he just stares at her blankly like the dumbass he is and then leaves

Anyway, this kicks off a 200k mall-rats slowburn that goes harder than Tulips and Mikayla’s

Grace doesn’t see him again until the next night when he’s in the lobby and he actually goes up to her and they talk because he had time to process it, they awkwardly talk... mostly sit though, and then Grace’s friends call her over and Simon quickly offers for her to come over another day

Grace doesn’t know what to do and her friends ask her whats up and convince her to go, not alone obviously Jennifer is gonna go with her to make sure she doesn’t get murdered

Its awkward again, there’s small talk between Samantha, Frank, Jennifer and the two idiots and they play card games until Frank decides to finish up dinner and Jen ditches Grace because Frank is the coolest mf on the planet so Grace and Simon are alone again

They just sit there until Simon asks about her dance program and college and then they talk about that until Grace mentions her therapist and Simon’s like??? and Grace is like whoops and then they eat dinner and Grace and Jen leave

Simon goes by the resort more often but they don’t rlly talk until Grace is about to leave and Simon just apologizes for everything and Grace says she’s sorry too and Simon just doesn’t know how to respond to that so he’s like if you ever want to come back here I’ll be here

Grace does not know how to respond to that so she’s just like uhhh okay bye

The dance team comes back the following year and she sees Simon again and he’s like “sorry for fucking you up” and Grace is like “don’t give yourself so much credit I already needed therapy unless you forgot about the fact I had counseling right after you?” “I try to block out everything from before 19 tbh” “fair enough... I suppose there wasn’t much to want to remember huh” “I’m... I remember telling you, you were the best person I ever met and I meant that” Grace doesn’t know how to respond to that and then they don’t talk for the rest of the trip, they just wave at each other and smile in passing

The dance troupe grace joins after college goes on annual trips to the resort so Grace and Simon continue to have three conversations each year plus Jennifer makes sure a visit to Samantha’s and Frank’s happens

the yearning... the pining... WHEW its a lot and Samantha, Frank, and Grace’s entire dance troupe, plus the family that always vacations at the same time are SICK of it

They don’t even become close friends again until their late twenties.

The kids club thinks Grace is amazing and Kai bases their whole look off of her

Mall-rats officially happens in their thirties and they get married in their forties

when I say slowburn i meant it

Idk where to put this:

Samantha lost custody of Simon as a kid because of a hoarding problem she still struggles with but Simon is an adult now and him and Frank help keep her in check

Simon was with Samantha from a couple weeks after entering foster care and most of middle school

Samantha and Frank are actually just roommates

Grace is like “so Samantha and Frank...?” “They’re roommates” “Simon... is that what they told you?” “well yeah, but they’re seriously just roommates” “ummmm...” “Grace they’re both gay” “OH”

Simon works at the bookstore his whole life and he loves it, Grace is a professional dancer, they’re both happy

They look the same as in canon except Simon can shave and Grace gets be the fashion icon she deserves

Simon still cant dress so most of the time he just wears different sweaters he’s been given and alternates between his three pairs of jeans

#infinity train #grace monroe #simon laurent #mall-rats #its the angsty slowburn for the ages baby #literally been burning since they were 10 #whose willing to write this slowburn I would but my writing is... not great #anyway bi legends mall-rats #Samantha the cat #is a lesbian #Frank the bear #is a bear

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if-th3n-else · 4 years

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Doctor Who Tag Game

Tagged by: @sopheirion thank you!!!

Favourite Doctor: Ten, ten and always Ten. I just love David’s portrayal’s of the Doctor more than I can say. I love the good, and I love the bad. I love when he’s being an idiot, when he’s flirtatious as hell with Rose (omg the memories) like you two get a room, when he finally snaps, when he’s a dumb oblivious as fuck and you want to smack cause he’s being an asshole, I love when he’s heartbroken. The faces David pulls are the best thing in the world. Like his ‘I don’t want to go’ ARE YOU KIDDING ME DAVID??? And the whole Doomsday episode, his blank face against the wall omg I’m gonna cry right now. And when this bitch has the audacity to disappear before saying it aaaaahhhh. But also the way he talk quickly and absolute nonsense. His ‘er’. When he’s being silly as hell with Donna, those were the good times. When he’s angry yelling, but also when he’s cold angry in the end of The Family of Blood. When he realize things and make the ‘oh i’m so stupid thing’ but also when he’s realizing sad thing like with the end of Donna. Bitch when he cries under the rain like some edgy boy, I cry too. His smile when things are getting exciting, but also the smile going into his eyes that is just for Rose and only Rose Tyler The various face he makes with Donna, all the non verbal communication. Also when Martha decides to leave and you can see that he’s (too late) proud of her, and after that when he sees her again he’s being honest with her..The way he pronounces certain words if that makes sense???? Also David’s whole acting in Midnight, that was insane on so many levels. And least but not last : his iconic hair. I don’t think I need to tell more. And aside from that, I love all his season’s arcs, all his companions are my top three favourites. And of course, my close second favourite is Nine, cause without Nine, Ten wouldn’t be the Doctor he was.

Favourite Master: tbh I’m not that much into the Master, but I guess it’s Simm!Master cause I love his arcs. But I also love Missy as a character (not sure about her arcs though)

Favourite Sonic: I love both Nine/Ten’s sonic and Eleven’s sonic.

Favourite Companion: aaaaahhhh not this question lmao. So I can’t really choose between Rose and Donna. I just love them both too much. So I’m not even a hardcore shipper of anyything by tumblr’s standards at least lmao, but the Doctor and Rose (both Nine and Ten) as been the first fictional couple I deeply rooted for (like I’ve enjoyed a lot of other ships before but never as harder and deeply) and that I still root for after all these years (in fact Clexa is the only other one that goes that hard, but everything else is just phases, they come and they go but they never stay). I love the tragedy of them, bitch who am I kidding, I love it that much cause it’s a tragedy lmao. I just love how they both make each other better, but also how they flirt like dumbass teens, how they communicate, how they cry for each other. BUT, and it’s very important, I love Rose for herself. She’s not just interesting because of the Doctor. She’s so relatable for instance? Like she’s not from a wealthy family, she clearly doesn’t give two fuck about fashion (or was it 2005 who was like this?), she’s not too smart, too pretty (ok she’s definitely is for me), too much of anything, she’s average. And I love this a freaking lot you can’t imagine. She has flaws, and yes that’s exactly what we want in a character. Yes she has moments when she’s being selfish (but who doesn’t? especially when in love), and yet she has some of the most beautiful selfless moments,sacrificing herlself in Doomsday is the best cause she was literally gonna end up in the void but she didn’t hesitated for one second. Also when she’s showing empathy for other people, she’s being caring and understanding. And she doesn’t take anyone’s else bullshit, she call them out, and that include the Doctor first. Just because she loves him doesn’t mean it’s gonna stop her from telling him to stop being a punk ass bitch. Also she evolved so much between s2 and s4, and I don’t think it’s character inconsistency, it’s just that it happened off screen. BY THE WAY I WOULD VERY MUCH A SPIN OFF ABOUT ROSE TYLER HOPPING WORLDS THANK YOU VERY MUCH @BBC!!!

Now Donna? Where do I start? She’s also average, and also very relatable. In fact, personnally I think she’s the most relatable for me. Using humour, snark and sass to hide 10 thousands insecurities? Yes that’s the most relatable thing ever. Donna is the funniest character but she’s also the one who has the saddest ending in my opinion. Cause she grow up, she sees the world, and she understand that she is THE shit, she matters, she is important, and then she forgets all about it. That’s so cruel, and heartbreaking and angering, cause she deserved everyfuckingthing, she deserved the world. And her departure hit me so fucking hard. She’s going back to her life, thinking she would be not enough, I can feel that so deeply. Aaaahhh I’m hurting myself writing this. But she’s so amazing, she’s smart, thinking out of the box really make her so great, and she’s the one who take the least shit about anything. She stands up, yells, makes a scene, but she get straight to the point. Also she’s not the young and conventionally attractive companion and she knows that. And she’s so funny and sassy, and close to the Doctor. I mean she’s the Doctor Donna for a reason, she’s like a human version of the Doctor, with the sass, the babbling, the clumsiness. God I love Donna so much, I wish I had so much more of her. Also she has absolutely zero romantic feelings for the Doctor and the fact that they are the bitchy bffs of the universe is the best.

Favourite Story: I love a lot of stories, but my favourite is The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End no doubt. The story is a perfect mix of happiness, having every RTD’s characters together, all my fave working together is the absolute best, and of sadness, the departure of Donna (I won’t re talk about it ok) and Ten letting Rose go AGAIN. And the fact that there’s everyone he loves in these episode but then he ends up all on his own. God why do I love being hurt so much??? And the Daleks are also my favourite villains (it’s just such DW bullshit as a villain tbh lmfao) so I have everything I want. Generally speaking I love RTD’s arcs, cause the sign are here the whole seasons (Bad Wolf, vote Saxon, the bees disappearing and she’s coming back) but it’s not a ‘HEY LOOK THERE’S SOMETHING FISHY TO SEE HERE HEYYYY’ or ‘WE ARE STARTING THE SEASON WITH ONE QUESTION, ONE PLOT POINT AND THAT’S WHAT YOU’LL WANT TO BE RESOLVED BY THE END OF THE SEASON’, it’s subtle, it’s casual mention, and it’s when you’re in the last three episode that you’re starting to realize something is wrong...That’s one of my favourite type of writing ever (that’s probably why I love Sanderson’s books too). It’s not some mystery to solve, cause there weren’t any mystery to solve, because me, a dumbass viewer, weren’t even paying attention at first. But it’s here, it fills the plot. And when you see it you’re like ‘of course’. It’s not forced on me if I can say it like this. It allows me to see other stuffs. It’s not attention seeking I guess? But yes the end of s4 is my favourite story, all is in place. All characters do what they do best. There’s laugh and there’s tears, and I love it.

Favourite Soundtrack: everything Murray Gold has been doing for the show is pure gold and I think that’s a thing the whole fandom can agree upon. My artist of the decade according to Spotify is him, and considering I haven’t listened daily to his songs (except for some still regularly) I think that say a lot about how much I used to love both his music and the show at some point. My favourite of his are Doomsday’s Theme ofc, Love Across the Distant Stars, I am the Doctor, Rose’s Theme, Amy’s Theme, Clara’s Theme, Vale and cry. All of them. And that include the one soundtracks for episodes I don’t even like lmao.

Dream Actor for next Doctor: I don’t know, why not John Boyega? He deserves to be the main character and be treated well, of a sci-fi show.

Dream Composer: Murray Gold come back to me. Or I would love a glimpse of what Lorne Balfe could do.

Dream Story: Something that involves seeing Rose and Tentoo, and Martha as the Earth counselor, with Thirteen still having feelings for Rose. And Rose too. But the plot? Idk lmao. However the end would be sad cause Thirteen would have to see Rose and Tentoo coming back to their world, and I would cry. Also Thirteen would aknowledge Martha as the smarter companion the Doctor had ever had lmao.

A Companion You’d like to see back: Martha, but like not as a companion cause she made it clear that she would not come back, and that wouldn’t be fitting her character if she changed her mind. But she could always be accidentally stuck in the TARDIS, I mean it happened once. But really I would just love to have her coming to the rescue when shit on Earth goes too far and the Doctor needs help of a specialist. That’s Martha you need Doctor.

An Enemy/Alien/Creature you’d like to see again: I’m always here to see the daleks.

If you could travel with one of the Doctors, which Doctor and why?: Ten? Because he’s my fave, but also Thirteen because I’m gay and I would like to take my chance lmao

#tag games #dw #this has been long sorry lmao #never awake my dw feels

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asocier · 4 years

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interaction guide for emile!

last edited: april 6th, 2021

emile ... my sweet baby boy. he’s an extremely friendly muse all around, and while he seems like he’d crumple at the first sign of danger, emile has surprisingly good fight or flight instincts. there’s a part of him that can work well under pressure, so when the world literally is on fire, emile will unexpectedly take charge and call the shots. of course, that’s when the pressure is really on — for the most part, emile is extremely non-confrontational and is perpetually stuck in a loop of ‘what am i doing with my life?’ as he wakes up everyday to a job he doesn’t care for. he makes the best of things, however, and finds pleasure in the simple things. he especially loves being out in nature, so that’s where he’ll truly be himself. in terms of his love life, he’s trying — that’s all i can really say on the matter. he’d be a good boyfriend, though, once things get serious; my sources have confirmed this.

supernatural plots — boy howdy, does emile befriend supernatural beings easily! i’m not sure what it is, but he really has a history of forming meaningful relationships with those who aren’t human, and it might just stem from the fact he thinks they’re incredibly interesting so long as, you know, they aren’t trying to kill him. so throw your magical girls, your aliens, your monsters, your non-human muses at emile because boy howdy is he down for the shenanigans and the adventure that comes alone with befriending these muses. he will absolutely literally be so fascinated by them and not give them grief if they’re nice to him !!! if they try to kill him, boy howdy will he be ready to run for his life because emile is already scared of everything and now he gotta run to save his ass.

family friendly wholesome plots — emile + children is literally one of the best things on this blog. i say this for like two other muses on this blog too but c’mon, emile and kids literally get along so well, how could i not suggest this possibility too in an interaction guide for him? he’s one of best babysitters and would love to interact with young muses, even if they aren’t small children but still quite young. even tween/teenagers might get along with him ( though if they’re going through some angst, he’s gonna be ... a lil awkward )

nature/camping/plant plots — i mentioned that emile loves being out in nature, and this has long been the case since he was young. i make fun of him by saying he’s like an overgrown boy scout just because he has so much knowledge about the outdoors and camping from years of doing things like hiking. he also has a green thumb; really loves himself a nice plant. so here are some plots where your muse:

needs a camping/hiking buddy and invites emile ( pre-est relationship most likely )

meets emile at a campsite ( first meeting type of plot ! )

is a camp counselor at a summer camp and emile is your co-counselor/head counselor and yall gotta take care of all these fking kids together for a whole summer

works at a plant nursery/floral shop and they always see emile come in bc he hoards plants and loves to buy fresh cut flowers, either for himself or his sister, alison bc she loves flowers too

just ... talks to emile about his plants casually or asks him for advice on why their plant isn’t doing so well

needs a new trail mix/energy bar recipe and asks emile ( a neighbor? a friend? someone who is also looking at recipe books in a book store? ) if he has any

art/photography/music plots — like his sister, emile dabbles in a lot of hobbies too and he shares a lot of those with alison. the biggest differences lie in the fact that while alison favors watercolor painting or body art with acrylics, emile prefers sketching with paper/pen and paper. similarly, while alison mainly plays the piano, emile plays the violin. photography is something both siblings share, though emile likes to take pictures of landscaping in addition to portraits. here are some plots where your muse:

needs a photographer for their *insert special event here* and hires emile

needs a violinist for their *insert fancy event here that requires live music* and hire emile

asks emile for violin lessons

wants to play pictionary with emile and that’s how they learn that emile can draw really well

“what even is emile’s romantic life” plots — my boy really tries to fall in love, okay. he tries, but it’s not that easy for him when you take into account how he’s not really out of the closet to a lot of people in his life and how he generally just has terribly luck with romantic relationships in general. this started back in high school, and it really doesn’t do much for his self esteem when it come to dating. it kind of puts dating on the back burner for him, really, especially since he isn’t in the best place in his life at the moment to find a serious relationship, but he still likes to try and go on dates once in a while, and he’s trying to learn to embrace the fact he isn’t straight. so here are some plots where your muse:

bothers emile a lot about why he doesn’t have a girlfriend and plays matchmaker/tries to teach him how to talk to girls because that’s what you think the problem is

gets set up on a blind date with emile and it either goes really well, or it goes really badly. plot twist: you two used to know each other somehow ( high school, community college, work before one of yall left the office, camp a while back, ect ).

plays a supportive role in helping emile discover his sexuality ( can be in high school or afterwards ). your muse can either be super helpful or super intrusive and it makes emile suffer but, you know, your muse has good intentions. this “help” can be your muse sharing their experiences with emile, taking him out to lgtbq+ spaces to help him embrace this side of his identity, assuring emile that it’s not wrong to like the same sex, ect. they could also just take a balls to the wall crazy approach if that’s more their style, up to your tbh

miscellaneous plots — here are some more random ideas in case you’re feeling stuck still! i’d like to remind everyone that my wishlist tag is always a great place to look too if you aren’t feeling what’s in the guide. i hope that the guide gives you an idea at least as to how you might approach a muse and what plots work well for them!

your muse offers to find emile a better job because they can tell he’s not loving his current job, so they offer him a helping hand. similarly, your muse offers to help emile go back to school because they wants to see emile succeed and be happy doing something in a field he actually cares about.

office plots — your muse works at the same law firm as emile and shares an office space with him. please talk to him because emile needs a friend at work to make his job more enjoyable :’)

high school plots — emile does have a high school verse like most of my other muses do. the bulk of what happens in high school involves emile discovering he’s not straight and being bullied for it for nate and cedric. on top of that, he’s witnessing his sister go through a really bad relationship, but with how secretive she is with things, it’s hard for him to intervene. there’s a lot of avenue for serious plots in this verse, but as with alison, lighthearted high school plots can also happen with emile! teenagers aren’t just full of angst, after all. sometimes we just need some shenanigans.

community college plots — instead of university, emile attends community college for a couple years to obtain his associates so that he can work as a legal assistant. he works odd jobs to keep himself afloat, and for the most part, he’s just vibing.

werewolf verse plots —a post explaining the basics of this verse can be found here! in this verse, emile is considered a beta and spent his whole life practically raising his sister, alison. growing up, the siblings did not belong to a stable pack, and as such, they pretty much spent most of their life kind of living how they wanted. emile in this verse is just vibing, too. he’s not looking for a mate or for drama, he’s just trying to make sure his sister doesn’t get herself into trouble. i’d like to re-emphasize that this is not a true omegaverse even though i do categorize muses as alphas, omegas, or betas, mention bonding between werewolves, nesting, heat/rut, and the use of suppressants to control the severity of heat. the description of these topics, however, are very tame as the focus of this verse is not unhealthy power imbalances or plotless smut. this verse exists bc werewolves are cool, and also because the idea of bonding between partners is where i find the most interest since true bonding really embodies the “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death” sentiment in marriage vows except even to a more serious degree. so yeah — werewolves. have your werewolf meet mine. it’ll be fun.

#wishlist;#cw: long post

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silenthillmutual · 4 years

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I don't know if you're the right person to tell this to but I think my mom's emotionally abusive. She gets mad whenever I get upset at her and gaslights me(probably??) whenever I call her out. I tried to tell her that she never apologized for hurting my feelings and she responded with, "I don't have to apologize to you" and it just made me feel worse. My family's Christian and all but I'm scared to tell the pastor(or anyone) because I don't want her to get mad at me. Do you have any advice?

I guess I’m a decent source for that, and I’ve got enough spoons today to answer this!

I’ll be honest with you, a parent reacting with anger whenever you get upset with them is never a good sign. The “I don’t have to apologize to you” response is definitely emotionally abusive, especially if it’s not a reaction in a vacuum; anything as an isolated incident is understandable since we all make mistakes, but this doesn’t sound like a one-off thing.

I had a couple of friends help me through being gaslit myself; here are a few articles on the topic, all of which are pretty brief:

Were You Born Under the Gaslight?

11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting

a resource post from r/RaisedByNarcissists

I’m not a psychologist in any capacity, but having been through it myself and having sat down and watched a film adaptation from where the term hails, here’s a sort of brief rundown of some things gaslighters will do to their victims:

making attempts to isolate you (from friends, from family members, etc; ex, excessive monitoring of your communications with friends to the point of taking your phone or computer so you can’t contact them, although this may be done subtly)

telling you that you have traits or attributes that do not feel or sound like things you do (ex, telling you that you are “forgetful” or “tend to lose things” even when you are not a forgetful person)

accusing you of lying, whether directly or indirectly (ex. asking, “what did you do with x thing?”, not believing you when you say you haven’t seen it; then when you find it, saying something to the effect of, “so you did know where it was”)

saying things with emotion and then denying there is any emotion behind their words (ex. if they say something to you in an angry way and when you say, “don’t be angry,” they say, “i’m not angry” and look at you like you’re crazy)

making you look bad in front of others (this can be making you look like a jerk, making you look inconsiderate, making you look foolish, like a buzzkill, etc.)

taking on a tone to imply that you are scaring them, even when you have not done or said anything out of the ordinary (if you’re thinking to yourself, “i didn’t even have any emotion behind this, i didn’t even sound angry” and they’re reacting like they’re afraid you’re going to hit you? that’s gaslighting)

whiplash mood swings and honeymooning - quickly going from being angry at you to putting on a convincing happy act in front of others; “honeymooning” is when, after a period of abuse, they start to act really nice and considerate towards you, making you think that they’ve changed, or maybe they do one really nice thing for you as a way to “make up” for their behavior (this never lasts, don’t buy it.)

turning themselves into the victim of every situation (guilt tripping you, especially in situations where you are telling them that they have hurt you. parents really love this one; it’s the “oh so i’m a horrible parent” comeback to any time you’ve ever said “this really hurt my feelings”)

infantalizing you (another parental favorite)

upsetting you in public, covertly, so that only you are aware of what they have said/done

threatening you with institutionalization

Another big one that I don’t think I mentioned here because it’s not one that came up in the film is outright denying that something ever happened. We tend to assume that’s something we’d be able to catch outright, but the truth of the matter is that their lies start out small and they do all of these things above & more for the sake of putting you off balance and confusing you so that by the time their lies get to the level of things you should be able to look at and say plainly, “that’s not true,” you’ve gotten to the point where you feel like you can’t trust your own memory or judgement of things.

I’ll give a couple examples because the list of potential things they could lie about goes between fairly small stuff to extreme stuff:

my mother claimed once that she was never on her phone during dinner

my mother claiming she’d never seen movies that not only did i remember her commentary on, but i’m pretty sure one of them we actually saw in theatres

her claiming i’d never told her things that i most definitely had told her before

combined with that one: lying about the last time we’d had contact; right before i cut off all contact with her i was able to actually screenshot the dates and times of the last time we’d spoken and send them to her

lying about actual historical facts; in my mother’s case: refusing to acknowledge that ABA had, since its inception, used aversives and was abusive in practices, was the foundation of the conversion therapy movement. i sent her screenshot and link proofs of this as well and she did not appreciate it

she also claimed that she never threatened to kick me out of the house and claimed that i promised her i would start therapy before starting HRT - neither of which are accurate or even remotely believable (you really think i’d up and move w two weeks notice halfway across the country if i hadn’t been kicked out? i have to laugh.)

Another one that did not really get shown well in the film but that I believe i’ve read somewhere and have personal experience with, is that they like to keep you traumatized. It keeps you in a state of like... uncertainty, I guess you could say. It keeps you from feeling completely lucid or in control of things, and more likely to need help and depend on them for continued support. They may also be likely to mess with your head in other ways, like with the use of drugs - and I don’t just mean illegal ones; parents who have control over your medication and make sure you take it do have to potential to keep you up on medications you don’t actually need as a method of control. (Both of these can actually be seen in use in the film Midsommar w/ the suicide ritual being a method of continued trauma and the constant drug use being...obvious. I’m sure it gets used in other places too but that was the first one to come to mind, and Aster does a really good job of showing how effective that shit is.)

I don’t really know what other religions rules are like when it comes to confidentiality. I was raised Catholic, and there was a certain understanding about priests and ethics that pretty much went that unless you had a warrant (and on top of that, a damn good reason; iirc there have been plenty who don’t even testify under oath) they weren’t to tell anyone what you told them in confidence. If you know anything about their ethics regarding that or even feel that you can ask them safely about it, it could be a good place to start if you feel that church community is one where you feel safe.

The biggest roadblock tbh is age and...idk how else to put this other than status? If you’re a minor there is, unfortunately, not a lot you can do to get away from her or get her to stop - especially if you’re in a situation where she’s really your only parent. Which is sort of what I meant by status; do you have another parent or step-parent, sibling, uncle, aunt, cousin, etc you feel you could talk to about it?

I really wish I could recommend school guidance counselors, but I’m not altogether sure they’re equipped with the right materials to help you out there. That being said, if you have a family member that you can trust to help you find a therapist outside of school, that would also be a really good resource; whether you’re an adult still living within that contact or a minor who can’t get away at the moment, a therapist can help you come up with some coping techniques to deal with it until you can safely get away. I’d suggest looking for one who specializes in trauma or in PTSD, esp if they have c-PTSD listed (the ‘c’ is for complex, which is a proposed addition(??) to PTSD that would separate a singular traumatic event from an ongoing traumatic situation like living in war zones, being a POW, domestic violence, etc). PsychologyToday has a search function for finding accredited therapists in your area that should list their specialties, credentials, and insurance plans they take. (And if you’re asked why you need one, honestly, extrapolate on a minor issue. Like tbh you could just say body image issues.) Therapists are bound by license-revoking ethics not to tell anyone what you discuss in therapy unless you are going to hurt yourself or someone else.

[If you feel you’re being monitored too closely at home and don’t have a way to get this information at school, I suggest asking a reference librarian to help you out. A lot of public libraries will have community resource information, and if they don’t have flyers or brochures out, reference librarians’ entire jobs are to help you access information whether that’s in the library or in the community! That’s why I work in LIS, lol.]

Other than that the two big pieces of advice I have are:

Build up a support network outside your family. If you feel you can’t trust them with this, or even if you’re worried about putting them in the middle of a difficult situation - and even if those aren’t concerns for you - it’s always good to have a support network that isn’t connected to the situation in some way. Most of my support network came from friends, a bulk of whom I knew from online, and from coworkers. The first person to tell me I was being gaslit was actually a coworker, who I talked to when I got kicked out and was shaken up about it. I had a p good relationship w my boss and all my coworkers there, so when I had to put in my two weeks’ notice I actually got an offer to stay with my boss in the event that the situation escalated, and also knew I could go and stay with my one of my best friends with their grandad, or their sister. In fact, right when that happened, my friends already had a kind of escape plan half-formed because things had just kind of been getting worse, and for almost a year now I’ve been living with my other best friend. Even if things never get to the point of you having to leave the house, just having people that you can rely on who will be on your side entirely is crucial to dealing with that kind of stress.

If you think or feel you may be getting gaslit - even if you’re thinking to yourself that you’re just blowing things out of proportion or that it’s “not that bad” (a lot of us go through that) - start keeping a journal of things your mother says to you. You don’t have to show anyone. Just keep it for yourself. It doesn’t even have to be anything important; like I said earlier, it can be as simple as off-handed comments about movies you’ve watched or appointments you’ve made or what have you. Write them down when they happen, date them, and then when she says something that you feel contradicts what you’ve already heard - you can fact-check it. You can also do this with screenshots if it’s over text or something, and if you think you can get away with secretly recording her on your phone that might help too. I don’t recommend telling her you’re doing this or pointing out when she’s been lying; in the event she doesn’t outright deny it she could flip it around to make herself the victim or spiral out of control and get worse - this is just for your peace of mind. The goal of gaslighting, to quote the movie, is to “systematically [drive] you out of your mind”. This would just be a way to reassure yourself that you’re not making it up, you didn’t forget, you’re not blowing things out of proportion.

If you need anything more specific, feel free to let me know! I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it really just fucking sucks. But I believe you can make it! And there is an it - there’s an out, even if it’s hard to get to or takes long.

#advice #links #long post #abuse ment #gaslighting #ok to rb #ask to tag #plato posts #[redacted] asks #answers.txt

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fairycosmos · 5 years

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hi lovely!! i hope you drank a lot of water today and got shit done :) this has been bothering me so much lately but my girlfriend is mad at me for not being able to talk about my feelings and i'm not sure how to start because shutting out trauma has been my coping mechanism for so long and i'm afraid once i start i'll collapse

hey :) tbh i think you need to start by explaining this to your girlfriend and asking for her patience/understanding while you come to terms with what it means to open up to somebody. dealing with trauma and the past is not easy, and it’ll be a gradual process more than a sudden one, you know? if you’re both on the same page about that, then it’ll feel a little less stressful. genuine communication is key. i guess, maybe you could begin properly by practicing trust exercises with your partner and with yourself. write about your feelings so that you get used to admitting to them. trust her with small, unimportant things and then begin to build up to more serious topics. examine what you’re so scared of, and then think about the likelihood of it actually happening in reality. always remember to ground yourself in rationality instead of letting your past experiences overwhelm you. recognize that shutting yourself off from the people who care about you is just another way to keep everything locked up inside, just a mechanism that enables your self hatred/mental issues rather than confronting or solving them. it’s easy to accept all of this as a concept but actually changing your perception and your actions will take a lot of time and mental effort/energy, and that’s okay. it won’t always be simple or straight forward, but just the fact that you want to be honest with her is a wonderful start.

also i know this like isn’t what you want to hear but, i think you should expect some version of ‘collapsing.’ when you open up, when you talk about the things that hurt, for a moment it makes it all feel very real and raw, but thats also the healthiest way to process and accept it for what it is. and it will hurt, of course. it’s allowed to. it’s alright to cry and to be angry and upset, it’s alright to experience negative emotions. it’s how you cope with them that counts the most. when you’ve spent your whole life building up these walls, and utilizing these counterproductive defense mechanisms, it’ll feel almost impossible to change at first. but it’s not. while you may have all of these painful and conflicting thoughts/feelings/ideas, what you actually physically do will always be up to you. whether or not you try to trust your girlfriend is still in your hands, and trying is good enough. hopefully your girlfriend will understand that, because her support is crucial at this time - she has to let you overcome this at your own pace, in your own way. while small arguments and disagreements are common, she shouldn’t guilt you or make you feel overly bad about it. while it’s natural for her to want you to trust her, and if she’s trusting you then obviously she expects the same in return, but it should always be both of you against the problem instead of against each other (yeah i sound like a bad marriage counselor, but it’s true.)

above all though, i really really think seeking professional help is the best option for you. if this is impacting your mental well being and your level of overall satisfaction with your life, then you have every right to seek support. please don’t just let your mind brush the idea off, because it sounds like you’ve been through some stuff - it sounds like you need a bit of guidance. leaning on your girlfriend is a great place to start, but she’s not a substitute for actual therapy. talk to your doctor to see if he/she can refer you to someone, or look for facilities/support groups in your area. facing up to the past, confronting the deeply rooted issues in your mindset, listening to a professionals opinion, having a place where you can rant and be open/honest, incorporating medical advised coping mechanisms into your daily routine - all of that will make a massive difference. it will change the way you actively see things over time. i know it’s daunting. i know it’s terrifying, and i know it’s a lot easier said than done. but you are so much fuckin stronger than you think you are. if you break down you will not become a broken person. you will grow, adapt and make peace with whatever life throws at you, especially if you choose to make a change now, or at least to consider it. you are not alone, and just because it was easier to stay silent in the past, doesn’t mean that’s the case in the present. i believe in you w all my heart and i hope you and your gf are able to make it through. i’m sure you will. it’s just a matter of time, honesty and patience with yourself. i’m sending you a lot of love and i’ll always be here if you need someone, just let me know. also thank you so much for being so sweet, i appreciate it a lot. i hope ur taking care of yourself too

#anon

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jungnoir · 6 years

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just to continue off of that yukhei head canon, jungwoo as a florist or part of the school gardening club? thank you :) (also love u so much this is the shy anon who thinks ur ethereal but can not show her love as well as she wants to❤️🌹)

(jungwoo requester) also i’m sorry i never specified what i wanted it as but tbh anything you’d like to do because you’re amazing and i have full trust no matter what you do:)❤️

a/n: here you go!! my dumb self accidentally lost the first half of this yesterday so i tried to recreate the magic as much as possible. and ok!!! i was super excited to get going on this when i got this message!! i love you too omg and dw!! i’ll make these headcanons to keep up with the bad boy!yukhei ones. I hope you enjoy~ the bad boy!yukhei headcanons in question are here. also, i’ll stop blabbering soon, but i recommend listening to this song when you read this :)

jungwoo got into gardening because of his parents influencing him from a young age

jungwoo’s parents were v v much crazy about nature and grew up in the countryside, so when they moved closer to the city, they severely missed having all that open space and being surrounded by green

no matter where jungwoo’s family lived, they always had a garden and they always employed jungwoo’s help

whether he was carrying tiny potfuls of dirt across the yard or whether he was watering the plants, he was always doing something with his parents out there

as he got older, he started doing more heavy labor

in fact, by the time he was thirteen, he could tell a farmer a thing or two about a thing or two ok ok

also by thirteen, his parents gave jungwoo a small section of the backyard where he could start his own garden

while he loved to plant flowers, he also liked to plant veggies and herbs and the like

he has this cute little aloe vera plant that has gotten quite big recently (!)

he makes a lot of homemade remedies and things

now, being best friends with bad boy!yukhei, he also knows a variety of plants that can be used to treat cuts, burn, bruises, you name it

sometimes yukhei just shows up at jungwoo’s door and his parents are like “jungwoo!! he got hurt again!!”

and jungwoo just quietly leads yukhei into the bathroom, sits him down on the toilet and has a lil upset expression on his face as he treats yukhei’s scraped knuckles with salves that he made himself for things,,, just like this,,, cause goddamn it wong yukhei u are a mess

it doesn’t happen as often seeing as yukhei is like. Large and scares most contenders off pretty easily with his words and those thick eyebrows but sometimes a dude gets a lil brave every now and then and yukhei has to show ‘em a thing or two

yukhei always likes to be cute tho, just to convince jungwoo not 2 be mad

yukhei: u kno,,, jungwoo, ur my best friend :)

jungwoo: unfortunately

yukhei: whenever u help me out like this i just think abt how like,, u and me? we’re an iconic duo u kno???

jungwoo: what

yukhei: ur like the village mage and i’m the humble but emotionally motivated warrior protagonist u kno

jungwoo: yukhei i don’t know what you’re trying to SAY

yukhei is kinda mad that jungwoo doesn’t appreciate his analogies but i mean,,, it’s Fine that’s just the problem with being best friends with the village mage and not sidekick #1

even tho jungwoo acts absolutely exasperated with yukhei and yukhei loves to tease the eldest, they’re both fiercely protective of each other

like yeh yukhei will avoid abt 95% of the fights that ppl try to start with him bc all he has to do is buck up and ppl run but like?? one time a fool came up to him and started talking shit about jungwoo’s gentle persona and long story short yukhei was almost expelled and that aforementioned fool switched schools the following week

Nobody Disrespects Jungwoo In Yukhei’s House

and while jungwoo is definitely not the fighting type (he much prefers using his words to get his points across), he also has done a lot of research and has access to several recipes for poison so like don’t fuck with yukhei is what i’m trying to say

don’t ask why he has those just don’t fuck with yukhei and u won’t have to worry about it

anywho :)

it wasn’t until jungwoo started his first year at school that he realized that he’d always,, gardened by himself

and it wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy his solitude!! it was just that he’d never really realized that he wanted to share his hobby with anyone until he got to high school

even tho yukhei was his best friend, they clearly didn’t share the same hobbies as yukhei would rather rot inside all day than go outside and “let the sun cook me from the inside out while doing physical labor”

and even though his parents gardened, they didn’t do it as often anymore

so!!! lil jungwoo just decides to pitch his idea to the school about starting a gardening club

at first, there’s only jungwoo so the school isn’t totally sure they should even bother but then jungwoo brings along a few friends who are interested in joining and they let it be

and the club absolutely flourishes over the next four years

it rapidly collects members of all types and backgrounds, people who lived in rural areas and people who had been at their closest to plants in a flower shop

jungwoo is just so bright and friendly and sweet that a lot of ppl join when he asks despite not knowing a thing about gardening

and by the time jungwoo is about to graduate, he’s got such a following and ppl who are just as passionate as him who want to take over when he heads off to college (yukhei told him he better take a gap year so they could go into college as freshmen together but that choice was still pending oops)

the school had seen how passionate they all were so early on and decided to devote a part of the land at the school to the club to do with as they wished, so jungwoo had the great idea of creating a mini garden paradise

they all pitch in to decorate the garden so it has a beautiful stone walkway with trees that line it and flowers planted all around. benches are placed every couple of feet and it is the Perfect place for students to come whenever they feel particularly stressed during the end of the school year and need somewhere that’s just not hectic

the cool thing about this lil garden is that on holidays, they dress it up!!

so for the christmas eve, they string lights through the trees and hang ornaments on them while the school choir sings carols the whole night

and on valentine’s day, they also string lights through the trees but add little foam red and pink hearts to hang from the branches and on each heart, you can buy one and write a name of someone you love

it can be your family members, your best friend, a crush, or your significant other

it can even be ur cat!!!

(jeno has been doing this for the last three years and we’re honestly all concerned he loves nothing else)

the cool thing about these hearts is that you can either write the name of who you love anonymously and hang it on the tree (and whose ever name you wrote gets to take the heart home with them if they’d like) OR you can sign it ;)))

the tradition is, if you sign the heart and that person finds it and brings it to you, that means they accept your confession

despite jungwoo being the key organizer of this v-day event, he’s never participated

however

that doesn’t mean he hasn’t been confessed to more than a dozen times

when his mom saw how many he’d brought home with him since sophomore year she asked him if she could make a collage and hang it up in his room but he was like mom!!! no!!!! that’s lame

so he keeps them all in a shoe box under his bed

and when he feels a little down or ignored, he’ll pull the box out and remember that some people out there like him a lot

there were all unsigned, but sometimes jungwoo would wish that one of them would be signed at least

part of him would feel himself grow expectant every time someone came to his table to get a heart and he’d wonder “is that one of them?” “will they do it again this year?” “is this the year they sign it?”

the other members would often joke with him abt how his eyes would light up when someone would buy one and would always fidget a lil as he thought about all the possibilities

you had joined jungwoo’s gardening club your second year when your counselors started encouraging you to join clubs to meet people

honestly, there were a lot of strange clubs around

you had almost joined the gaming club but then you found out about this school gardening club, and something abt it just,, called to u

your first time you went, you found a piece of paper crudely taped to the door of the classroom they were supposed to meet up in and all it said was “outside”

so, you went outside

and sure enough, in the back of the school in the large expanse of land back there, you found a bunch of students near this garden all crouched down and doing… Something

you made your way over, a little confused, and tapped the shoulder of the person nearest you

they have a huge ass sun hat on so when they turn around, you weren’t really expecting such a,, good looking guy,,, oh. hm

jungwoo narrows his eyes at you, but it’s only bc he has to look up and the sun is getting into his eyes “hello! can i help you?” he asks cheerily, pushing himself up from the ground and clapping the dirt off his gloves

he’s much taller than you expected, so you step back a little and try to remember what u had even came all this way to do in the first place lol

“ah! uh… this is the gardening club, right?”

jungwoo was smiling before, but now he grins so wide that his front two teeth resemble bunny teeth

cuteeeeee

“it sure is~ i’m jungwoo, the head of the club. did you want to join? i promise, you’ll have a lot of fun” he promises this to you and you absentmindedly think that even if he tried to sell you rat poison under the premise it was candy, you would believe him

but this club is rlly candy in this case bc once you’ve told him your name and joined, you find that it’s so much more fun than you had expected

you had really just wanted to be able to tell your counselors you were into something but now,, now u were really passionate about this

something about how jungwoo ran the club made you so interested in gardening

he taught you the basics from the ground up, but it wasn’t super hard???

he was always very simple and forward with what you needed to do, so you had v lil chance of messing up

he was also v friendly and was constantly asking questions abt your life

he always sounded so interested!!! even in the lil things

like what was your last class of the day? what flower appealed to you the most?

he helped you plant your first “honorary” flower as a member of the club

on the walkway, each member gets a flower to take care of up until graduation, after which then the other members will keep it alive to remember them and their contributions to the club

jungwoo just has a lot of sappy cute traditions ok

he tells you that you can plant anything, so you choose the flower you like most and he tells you you can plant it right next to his

even tho… there’s tons of space…. jungwoo…… it doesn’t have to be…. next to yours

this also means that when you all go out to check on the garden, you have to stand right next to him to check on your flower

your knees touch his as you water them together, make sure they’re getting enough light, etc

he always loves to talk to you about the flowers

honestly sometimes he just chatters and chatters and you’ve noticed over time that it’s a nervous habit of his

it was,,, rlly cute

since it was fall when you joined, jungwoo informed you that it was important to care for the flowers so that they wouldn’t be too affected by the weather change

you remembered one cloudy october day when the club couldn’t meet bc of the expected rain storm that evening

you had been about ready to head home for the day when you saw something strange through the windows, where the garden was

there, you could see a very frustrated jungwoo trying to set up tarps over the garden to protect them from the harsh weather

he hadn’t quite gotten it set up right

it was supposed to stand like a small tent over the flowers that weren’t covered by the trees, but it kept slipping off the middle post

rushing out to the patio, you drop your backpack next to the back door and sprint over to help jungwoo steady it

he’s surprised you’re there, but smiles appreciatively and gets back to work hammering it in the ground on the other side

“thanks,,, i honestly thought i could do this myself but i guess not” he rubs the back of his neck and laughs shyly

you just chuckle, “i saw you struggling and couldn’t help but come over”

jungwoo clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth, “where would i be without you, (y/n)?”

you bite your lip and look away before he can see how flustered that comment alone makes you

somewhere along the way, he’s gotten the tarp set up correctly, so he’s just about ready to call it a day when all of a sudden,,, it starts beating down rain

Hard

jungwoo, in surprise, grabs an extra tarp he’d taken and throws it over his shoulders before coming over to you and handing you the other side

all he tells you is to “run!” and you just start sprinting toward the cover of the trees because it’s the closest thing to you

and,,, you’re standing awfully close to each other

you don’t register jungwoo is laughing until he unknowingly presses his chest against your shoulder, the vibrations from his laughter shocking you out of your concentrated stare on the crazy rain that forced the sky to be dressed in a dreary grey

you look up at jungwoo and find him grinning at you, “why’d you run this way and not toward the school?”

the rain is beating against the tarp despite the tree cover, but it’s not nearly as much like it is out on the open grass

“oh,,, uh,,, well it was closer and.,,, uh,,,”

yeh no u can’t even find the logic in your choice

but jungwoo doesn’t seem so bothered by it

he looks around the garden and sighs, “i’m glad you came to help me when you did… otherwise the flowers would be in trouble”

you just nod, trying not to focus on how warm his skin is against your own

he suddenly crouches down so you’re uneven and you blink at him, “jungwoo, what are you doing?”

“do you wanna run out there again?”

“uh,, not right now, no”

“then let’s just sit here and watch the rain. it looks really nice like this”

to be honest, you couldn’t see how pretty it could really be sitting outside in the rain, but he was also holding one half of the tarp and it wasn’t like you could really leave him like that,,, so u sit down

you both have to cross your legs so the rain won’t get you wet, and while you’re both sitting on the walkway and looking out as thunder rumbles and flashes of lightning show in the distance, jungwoo says very softly “most people don’t like this kind of weather because it’s wet and cold and disruptive… but i find it kind of peaceful. even though it isn’t very nice for my garden, i still like it in a way. it’s like the world telling you to stay in for the day and rest”

you look over at him once more, but he’s focused on the sky, eyes alight with the same kind of admiration that he has for his flowers

he looks captivating

you smile almost instinctively, “a gardener who likes gloomy weather?”

he chuckles, meeting your eyes, “if you know plants, you know that they don’t just need sunshine all the time. they also need rain. you come to appreciate both and set up protection when needed. kinda like people… though it takes us longer to realize that for ourselves in comparison to plants.”

you’re not sure what to say after that, so instead, you scoot minutely closer to him and start to look at the rain through the same rose-colored glasses that he does

you don’t realize how long you’ve stayed out there with him until one of the teachers leaving for the day catches sight of you both and tells you to come inside before it gets too late and the storm picks up more

reluctantly, you walk with jungwoo until you get under the patio and its overhead roof, and when you grab your phone out of your bag, you find that you’ve got quite a few missed calls from your parents

“i really should go, my parents are probably pissed i missed their calls” “ok!! i’ll see you tomorrow then?”

he lets the tarp fall, and his hair is a little mussed from the rain that got on him before you both found shelter

his skin is dewy from the humidity

but he looks just as handsome as he did the first day you met

“yeah… tomorrow… hopefully we don’t get caught in the rain again” you joke

jungwoo suddenly turns bashful, “i… wouldn’t really mind”

that’s probably the day you fell for him tbh

you kept your feelings mainly to yourself, and when you found out about the valentine’s tradition, you thought that maybe,,, maybe you could just get those feelings out and be free of them

so you made your own heart instead of buying the ones you guys were selling and put it up on a random tree when you were sure jungwoo wouldn’t see

only, ,, you had expected to be the only one

it turned out that when you and some of your friends went walking through the garden to see if anyone left any for you, you found the trees decorated with so many other hearts that had jungwoo’s name

yours was the only one that was different

before you could go back and snatch it down however, jungwoo had already found it

“why’s this one look different?” you’d heard him ask his friend yukhei, who had begrudgingly tagged along

“idk dude, maybe they wanted to be special. you’ve got like a thousand fans around this school u know”

you don’t know why your heart felt so,,, pained when you heard that

after all, you just wanted to “confess” and get it out of your system in some way so you could move on

why would you care so much that other ppl liked him too? you couldn’t control that!!

however, you went home with a few hearts that your friends had left for you and decided that you would just leave it at that. the next day at school would be as normal, and you would start getting over your crush on kim jungwoo

except,,, it didn’t happen that way

if anything, the years that dragged on only made you more in love with him

and so, every year, you would leave another heart (always homemade, always the only one of his confessions that was different in some way)

and you never dared to sign them

you would stay anonymous and hope that by the time you graduated, your feelings would somewhat dissipate with age

look bih!!! it’s not working!!!

plus,,, it seems like ppl just keep catching on the longer it goes on

especially yukhei

you had never even talked to the guy but he had caught on to you after the first valentine’s incident almost immediately

he just spotted you in the hall, walked up to you, and said (in a very not subtle voice) “so you like my best friend!!”

you had to shush him and pull him around a corner where there were less students

and he’s just grinning like a fool, “you seem cute! don’t hurt him tho or you’ll wish you hadn’t”

and ur just like ;-; pls don’t threaten me i’m just tryna live my life as a simple lovestruck human being

but then he shakes his head “i’m just kidding, i know you wouldn’t hurt him,,, but why,,, won’t u tell him”

u: !!! i’m fine being just friends

yukhei: LOL yeah no really why won’t u tell him

feeling like you can’t continue to lie, you tell him that you feel like you won’t have a chance, what with the fact that he has so many admirers already and you don’t want to take any chances bc i mean,,, u really really like him

and you’ve already become his friend so why jeopardize that

but then yukhei is like “well,, i understand that much, but i think that you should still tell him. if not now, at least before it’s too late. you’re just going to keep feeling unsure and if you miss your chance, you won’t forgive yourself for that…. i know that it’s scary, but i will tell you one thing and you can figure out what to do with it: there’s a great chance your feelings aren’t as one sided as you think”

then he drops his eyelid down in a wink and pats your shoulder and leaves you like that

yet, still, you don’t confess

at least, not yet

you continue to just be friends with jungwoo and leave him that same unique heart in the garden every valentine’s but that’s it

you continue to keep yukhei’s words in mind, but haven’t yet decided went to act on them

fast forward to graduation, everything is all over the place

ppl are getting ready to head straight off to college, others are planning parties to celebrate, and others are just unsure of what to do

jungwoo knows that he’s going to miss this school with his everything

he’s already crying harder than his parents when he wakes up the morning of LOL

yukhei also comes over early that morning just to threaten remind jungwoo that he should wait for him so they can go to college at the same time

jungwoo: who even said you would get into the same college as me?

yukhei: do you think i don’t have my ways. we’re going to college together you fool

for some reason,,, jungwoo just pulls out the box of hearts he’s received

and he sets out the three unique ones he received

he had honestly tried his best to figure out whose writing it could have belonged to, had tried to rule out ppl who bought the hearts the club made, etc.

he never got to find out

he had once jokingly asked yukhei if he made them for him but yukhei just grinned all knowingly and told him he needed to look a lil deeper

and jungwoo was ???? but really anxious to know

but today was the last day for this mystery person to personally confess, and he felt a foreboding feeling. like it wouldn’t happen

he goes through the ceremony, taking pictures and the works

yet, the whole day, he hasn’t seen you

sure, he’d seen you walk the stage, but you had disappeared into the sea of people as soon as the ceremony ended

he had sent you several messages but you hadn’t answered any of them

he had taken his last pictures with the rest of the club and had elected the next leader of the club in a very emotional goodbye

he decided he would find you later, maybe see you before the day ended after he finished having dinner with his parents

he had one last thing he wanted to do before leaving, and that was in the garden

he looked at it now, a beautiful, ever-growing thing that had come a long way since ninth grade

now he was leaving it, and he couldn’t quite believe it

he wandered down the stone walkway and found his flower, right next to yours

he couldn’t help but snap a few pics of them, sending one or two to you in the process

when he had finished up reminiscing, he found himself just sitting on one of the benches and watching as the wind swayed the branches of the trees, distorting the sunlight that filtered through the leaves

he felt himself quietly laughing to himself as he recalled when you and him had gotten caught in the rain here all those years ago

it felt so far away now

tugging his cap off his hair, he leans forward on his knees and sighs

until something pink appears in his vision

it takes him a second to realize there is a little cut out heart in front of his face, hanging from a red string that dangles off a familiar finger

on the heart is his name, in that familiar handwriting that he had never been able to recognize

and underneath his name,,, it was signed

with your name

jungwoo follows the finger to your face, a nervous twitch in your smile as you hold the heart out to him

“i meant to leave this for you before you got here but… yukhei told me you’d beat me to it”

jungwoo breathes out in disbelief before reaching into his pocket for his own homemade heart with your name on it

“i guess we both have funny timing” you laugh, watching him stand from the bench to take your heart from you

jungwoo blushes, “the fact that we’re both here tells me our timing is good enough”

you watch as he puts both your hearts on a branch next to each other, watching the wind blow them back and forth in the breeze. the strings they’re hanging on tangle and it feels like a sign

he looks at you with that same look he gave his flowers, the same look he gave the angry, stormy sky as it shamelessly rained down on the both of you. his hand reaches for yours

“yeah,” you say softly, letting him pull you closer, “i think you’re right”

jungwoo captures your lips in a small kiss that feels like the last three years of longing finally finding a home

you suddenly don’t feel so bad about waiting for the right moment, because had you not, you might not have met jungwoo halfway like this

and it feels so, so good

also yukhei is totally taking pictures from behind a bush but dw about it

#also anon you're so sweet i can't stop reading ur message asuffijs #jungwoo scenarios #jungwoo imagines #jungwoo au #gardener!jungwoo #kim jungwoo #nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct au #gardener!nct #nct #jungwoo fluff #nct fluff #majwrites #sbmusings

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atopearth · 6 years

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Mystic Messenger Part 9 - Saeran/Ray/Unknown Route

Yayyy! Ray/Unknown route!! Talking to Ray breaks my heart so much though💔 Any time you express the tiniest amount of consideration or care for him, he gets so touched. It makes me feel so sad that he has never experienced something so simple. It’s so sad that even though Rika is using him, he feels like he’s useful here. It’s so sad that he hates 707 so much.. It’s so sad that….I hope we can protect him properly in this route.

When he talked about the pot plant that somehow grew two stalks when it wasn’t meant to, and how there’s the stronger stalk and the weaker stalk, you immediately knew he saw himself and Seven in it. How Seven is the healthy one living happily because he discarded Ray the weaker one, and so as revenge, he broke off the stronger stalk to use it as fertiliser for the weaker one. That simple analogy really shows his attitude towards Seven. Why do these twins have to suffer so much…. It’s pretty heartbreaking getting Ray’s hearts, since with the RFA, it’s mostly words that would hurt V and 707 and when it’s with Ray himself, I feel like I’m constantly feeding his insecurities and his sadness, making him reliant and obsessed with the heroine. But I guess this might be the best way to try and save him right now. But really, it was so kind of Ray to not give the elixir to the heroine because he doesn’t want her to be hurt by the side effects like he does. I wanted to cry seeing how considerate he is and yet he could never experience that consideration from anyone else.

I hate seeing Seven sad.. his phone call when he got told by V to not chase the hacker anymore was so down :( He seemed so heartbroken.. I hope V works up the courage, the responsibility and understands the need this time to tell Seven about Saeran.

Sometimes I can’t help but think that Yoosung is such a brat though, he tells people that they don’t understand him but it’s not like he puts in effort to understand the other side either, so what right does he have to criticise them? I hated how he said because his parents gave birth and raised him that they should understand him better or whatever, he’s the one that’s clinging to Rika and not letting anyone change his thoughts. He’s the most stubborn one that won’t listen to anything and he’s ughhh. His mum is just really worried about him and he says stuff like that on the chat, sigh. He says he’s disappointed in his mother for not understanding that he doesn’t want to forget about Rika and that he wants to find the truth, but counselling doesn’t mean he’ll forget about Rika, it’ll just help him organise his feelings, the only one that can change whether he forgets about Rika or not is himself, not a counselor. Frankly, I’m super disappointed in Yoosung, not only is he super annoying about Rika, but he has no consideration for others because he gives it all to Rika. Usually, I’m able to empathise with Yoosung to a certain extent and just not agree with him, but this time I have to admit, I really don’t like him and am extremely disappointed in how he is dealing with this. I’m disappointed that he’s spent most of his life with his mother and yet HE can’t understand her feelings and thoughts about this. Now, I’m annoyed about his whining lol. Rant over. On another note, Zen is just like a caring but naggy older brother hahaha, he’s so kind, too bad Yoosung doesn’t always appreciate it.

I am so happy for Zen that he got a main character role though, that’s great!! Gotta say that I was laughing along with Zen when Jumin said he wanted to try cross stitching because it’s just so hard to imagine Jumin doing that lmaoo. Tbh, I’ve always empathised with Rika to a certain extent but whenever I see and think about how she’s using Saeran and torturing him to get her personal revenge against V, I can’t forgive her and probably never will just because of how innocent and tormented Saeran has been all his life and yet she uses that and causes even more pain and torment to him physically and mentally! It’s absolutely disgusting and I just can’t bear to see Saeran suffer anymore! It hurts even more when Seven thinks that everything he’s doing is helping Saeran have a peaceful life when he’s actually suffering so much…

When V was talking about the daffodil that only withered more in sunlight and could only face the soil and take the nutrients from the flowers around it, I felt really sad… Daffodils are apparently Rika’s favourite flower..not that I really care for her but she’s important to saving Saeran since he’s so reliant on her.. I think the biggest mistake V made and continues to make in the routes is that he tries his best to save everyone by himself but he doesn’t realise that everyone is already hurting and that maybe, being hurt is better than knowing nothing and doing nothing. He also underestimated how difficult of a problem this was I guess and really should have let everyone else help him since it wasn’t just simply his and Rika’s problem anymore from the moment she dragged Saeran and other people into this.

It took some convincing but it’s true that in terms of dark energy, Yoosung is the one to teach that to Zen for his new character hahaha. It’s so funny when Yoosung starts talking all deep and poetic about the hopelessness in life for Zen to learn, tbh I relate a bit but it’s still lmao hahaha. Ray is so sweet for making a drink that looks and smells like that elixir for the heroine so that she won’t have to take the real thing and feel the pain from it. He’s already so busy enough and yet he’s caring about her so much.. Does he even sleep? I’m so worried about him..

OMG *SQUEALS* THE HEROINE KISSED HIM AND HE RAN AWAY!! He’s so adorable omg, I’m glad he’s starting to believe in the heroine more than Rika and that things might need to change, and that maybe he should leave this place. I’m so excited for a happy future and I’m so happy that the heroine is there for him but so mad that Rika is constantly manipulating him! Btw Elizabun the 3rd is the best, I can’t fault Zen for laughing so hard at Yoosung’s imitation of Jumin lolol. I mean, there was literally a phone call with Yoosung and he was talking about how pet bread is great and that croissants are popular but they leave crumbs across the table so you’ll have to constantly clean up its mess lmaooo. Save me, it’s so funny. It’s even more hilarious when Zen finally makes a breakthrough with his character on White and it’s so good that it’s making Yoosung scared hahaha!

As for Ray… It was expected that Saeran would appear considering the “cleansing” Rika did to him. Although he looks down on Ray’s personality and his tastes in the heroine, I think the fact that he thinks of the heroine as a toy to play with when he’s bored shows that despite their differences, there is some sort of feeling or affection Saeran has for the heroine. Omg… Those creepy Saeran emojis in the chatroom are so creepy!! They’re so scary! Scarier than the person himself lmao. But yeah, I’m scared for the heroine considering how crazy Saeran is. I absolutely hate Rika though, seeing Saeran scream for help from Seven pained my heart so much, I’m on the verge of crying. Just because Rika got hurt and is obsessed with revenge, she drags Saeran down with her, digging up all his negativity and trauma just to achieve her objective. She’s so disgusting and any kind of charity she’s done before does not cancel this out. Saeran’s suffered so much already and yet she has to continue tormenting him for her own personal benefit, it hurts so much to see Saeran like this. Please save him, Seven!! Saeran doesn’t want to hurt anyone, he’s just been manipulated into thinking that being “crazy” like this is the only way he can protect himself from others. I’m so mad that V hasn’t asked the others for help when it concerns them so much, especially Seven. He can’t solve everything by himself especially when Rika has her own army of believers! It isn’t just Rika that is involved, it’s Saeran too and he needs help!! Sigh. I’m so frustrated and sad that Saeran has to continue to suffer. And things are just getting worse because their prime minister father is on the hunt for them…

My heart is breaking so much… Saeran’s still treating the heroine as terrible as ever but Ray came back for a bit!! That means there’s definitely still hope! And despite everything, just like Rika said, I think that Saeran keeps the heroine there not just because he needs someone weak to show that he is a strong personality, but also because somewhere inside of him, even if he treats her like a toy, that’s how he’s showing his love for her. He loves her but he can’t believe in her love and so he can only treat her in this way to be close to her but also distance himself from her so that he won’t ever be hurt again. He loves her but is scared that he’ll get abandoned again, just like Saeyoung did to him when they were young. For Saeran, being abused by Rika or his mother was unbearable but still acceptable because they never abandoned him and that’s all he wants, someone that won’t dispose of him…. A part of him wants to believe in the heroine and that’s why I guess he’s doing all these things to kinda test whether she’ll stay with him no matter what.

I’m glad that the heroine got through to Saeran. Seeing him admit to his wrongs and apologise to the heroine that knew what he was thinking all this time… Knowing that despite all the depravity and hatred he shouted at her, he was the one he was truly shouting at, he was the one that was really hurt from all this, rather than the heroine. But the most saddening thing is that he thinks that the heroine only really cares about Ray and that she should live happily with him, when really, she loves Saeran himself and wants to protect all of him so there’s no way she only wants Ray! So, don’t disappear Saeran😢😢

I’m so proud that Zen told V to stop being so frustrating and thinking that everything has to be his responsibility! It is to an extent but blaming himself won’t get them anywhere! Seven is in trouble with his evil dad and V is still wallowing in where did things exactly go wrong! Best thing was when Zen said that the only person who can love Rika enough and correctly is herself. In the end, even if V loved her the “correct” way, if Rika doesn’t believe it or accept it or think that she deserves it, it won’t work out. The only person responsible for Rika is Rika herself, the only person that could truly help her was herself. Sure, V might have been able to help her if he did things differently but there’s no guarantee considering how her thoughts were, so really, no matter what he does, things could still have ended up like this. So, get a grip on yourself V and save Seven and Saeran with everyone in the RFA now!

It’s so wonderful to see Saeran and the RFA communicate and co-cooperate to save Seven from their father that kidnapped him. It was so heartwarming and sweet to see Saeran capable of being so happy and surrounded by others. It’s also great that he can finally live back in the light now that their father’s evil schemes and stuff he’s done has been brought out to be seen by the public. I’m glad the heroine was able to save Saeran, I’m still so thankful and happy about that.. the only sad thing is that we never got to see where Seven is. But as Saeran says, the twins are both really strong people that have been able to survive in the most dire of situations, so I’m sure Seven is all right. As for V and Rika, didn’t think Rika would “come back” so easily but she did so, yay I guess? As long as she’s not tormenting people anymore, I’m glad lol.

Overall, I’m pretty satisfied with Ray/Saeran’s route, I just wished that I could see Saeran and Seven happy together since that’s what they’ve always wanted and what Seven worked hard for.. but as long as Saeran is happy, Seven would be happy so it’s all good haha. It was a long but eventful 10 days. So many things happened but it was a good journey. Felt like the heroine had less of a personality this time around but that’s cool, since it was all about Saeran and that’s mostly what I wanted haha.

Now, to update my most favourite to least favourite routes! It would be 707, Saeran, Zen, Jaehee, V, and then Yoosung and Jumin are probably around the same to me tbh lol. But yeah! Now we just have to hope for a Vanderwood route I guess haha! Although, a Rika route is probably more likely lol.

#mystic messenger

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klinejack · 7 years

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clarz

replied to your post

“hi divvy! i know you are MAD right now, so don't answer this until you...”

thanks so much for answering this! tbh i love the fact that you're religious and that you clearly love it so much. i went to a very catholic college, so that kind of thoughtful and deep connection with religion and tradition is important to me, and i love seeing it in other people. it's an important part of who you are! and part of the reason i asked is because you mentioned disliking the performance thing in your initial post, and i really connect with that. when i was growing up, the church i went to was pretty plain and traditional (despite very liberal politics and interpretations of scripture.) most of the other people i knew who went to church were evangelical and/or southern baptist, and i always disliked that their churches had like, full rock bands at services, and poppy contemporary melodies to "hymns." i understand that they're trying to make church fun, but it always made me suspicious and felt disingenuous. i don't think religious services should be a chore, certainly, but i also don't think that they should be "fun" in that way. that's not the purpose of religion. i don't think religion should become more like entertainment or performance, because it's supposed to be a space that's completely different from the rest of the world. it makes it feel less holy to me. so i definitely relate to how you feel there. also, how did you end up feeling about the service in the moment? (and i'd love to hear about the ma'apilim sometime)

SORRY I DIDN’T ANSWER THESE BEFORE CUZ I REALLY WANTED TO BUT PROCRASTINATION IS MY MIDDLE NAME (jk it’s tzviya but try saying that ten times fast. or just one time. slow.)

HERE WE GO:

1- i love finding other people who feel close to their religion, no matter what it is. i remember in teacher’s college i just naturally gravitated to the only catholic girls in my classes i guess simply because i enjoyed talking to them? we weren’t there learning to teach religion, but i’m always fascinated by what other people feel about it. i’ve found myself thinking on more than one occasion that i feel more comfortable with people who have that side to themselves, like me, rather than people who don’t interact/think about/believe in any of that kinda stuff. (im being purposefully vague because it’s a huge generalization, but nonetheless true-ish for me, i often find myself sharing much more common ground with palestinian muslims, for example, than a french canadian montrealer). i guess especially because religion is not something i consider a defining trait of mine, and im just in constant evolution with respect to that. judaism is so much more than just a belief in god or a practice of the rituals and commandments.

2- how fascinating to find someone in my age bracket who feels the same way about music in prayer. my problem has always been that i LOVE music, and its so personal and emotional that i DO see it fitting seamlessly with prayer but... it’s the setting that has always bothered me. it just never felt right for me in a synagogue. like you said, it’s just a different space. i don’t know about church and ‘making it fun’ but i definitely can imagine plenty of religions use music to draw in otherwise disinterested people who find prayer “boring” or pointless. music is awesome! i just wish people could feel the music in their soul as a separate entity from external music, like from an instrument. idk i guess i just really love singing XD and i wish it wasn’t always a performance or a competition of voices, because i think prayer should be personal. even if it’s between a community, its still voices connecting to each other. i’m reminded of Hannah’s prayer, in the book of Samuel (the prophet- his mother), she’s at the temple on one of the annual pilgrimages with her family and she’s depressed because she doesn’t have any children and her husband’s other wife just keeps popping out babies left and right. so she goes to be alone somewhere in the temple, and she’s weeping and praying to god for a child. Eli, the high priest, comes in and sees her shaking and moving her lips real fast so he goes, “hey, you shouldn’t be drinking in here” and she’s like “im not drunk, i’m praying”. so that’s the first place we read about a person actually praying, and not out loud. this was like a huge revelation to the priest cuz clearly he’d never seen that before, and now the tradition has become to pray like hannah. (as an aside, if u ever see the propaganda videos made by the nazis, they use footage of synagogues to show how loony tunes those jews are with their muttering and their rocking back and forth). cuz like, prayer is supposed to be out loud? ahaha anyway i forgot where i was going with this but... oh ya, okay, so prayer didn’t really exist (as we know it, in judaism- and therefore christianity/islam/western monotheism) until that point- it was all about the sacrifices. and the temple ritual was replete with music and instruments like the shofar, timbrels, lutes, blabla other ancient instruments. but since then, we’ve been meant to use our voices alone. so says tradition, i guess.

3- so i did go to services on yom kippur (kol nidre) but not at my shul. i went with my sister to the chabad house near my parents, and it was....not great. but it was compounded by a lot of factors- i got a wicked cold the day or two before, so my nose was running a marathon and i was coughing like a 90yr old with emphysema. i got my period that morning so i was on an extra steep emotional rollercoaster that i just somehow could barely control. so we sat on the other side of the mechitzah (the separation barrier between men and women), the rabbi/cantor stood at the head in the middle so we could all see, and we all prayed out loud, no hush on the women’s side or anything (pretty typical from what i remember of camp/school prayer services). but of course the tunes were not quite what i’m used to, and there was a bit of annoying stuff that just irks me as a perfectionist (like they use a lot of yiddish pronunciation of the hebrew words, injecting a bunch of oy oy oys and ahoyhoyhoys in random places, in fact i leaned over to my sister at one point and was like ‘did ned flanders write this nigun (tune)?’), but altogether i guess it was better than watching an orchestra perform the prayer? idk it was pretty bad, on an emotional level, but not in hindsight. im very good at ruining things for myself through sheer stubbornness. i must have embarrassed my sister just by existing next to her, poor girl, she really wanted me to like it. i’m glad it’s over, and hopefully by next year ill be back in nyc or some other city so i wont have to worry about it.

4- MA’APILIM!!!!! okay so this was my absolute favoritest thing as a kid and i can’t wait to describe it to you. one night in camp, every summer, the counselors and cits would wake us up at like 3am by barging into our cabins chanting (screaming, really) “MA’APILIM, MA’APILIM BEH-MASSAD, BEH-MASSAD. MATCHIL HALAYLA MATCHIL HALAYLA BEH-MASSAD, BEH-MASSAD.” which translates to : “ma’apilim at massad (the name of my camp) starts tonight.” i’m singing it in my head as i type XD. so they’d be screaming and we’d be tumbling bleary eyed out of bed to grab our socks and sweatshirts and run over to the flagpole (keep in mind i was 8 when i first experienced this, and we’ve had kids as young as 6 at camp). once we had all gathered in line with our bunkmates, the counselors and cits put on a little “skit”.

basically they acted like they were nazis and jews, and did a little skit of some basic bad holocaust stuff (don’t ask me to remember the exact details we’re talkin at least 20 years since i last did this) to scare the pants off of us. kids would always cry already at this point from the shouting. we’d all kinda follow into this “play” (sorry idk what else to call it), and marched over to the gym where we watched a fake hanging on the stage. they literally. hanged someone. in front of us. a fake noose, of course, duh, i remember my counselor showing it to me, but traumatizing to say the least (i still remember the name of the counselor they “hanged”- not sure this ever happened more than once but ill never forget it).

then we’d all hustle down to the waterfront, again “playing” the role of holocaust victims/survivors after these little “skits” had sort of put us in the headspace, and we play along, imagining we’d just experienced these things and were now running from it. it was terrifying and exhilarating as a small child, and an even more unbelievably emotional thrill ride as i got older and became pseudo-obsessed with holocaust lit and facts in general in my life (it never did go away but everything changes with age). ANYWAYS so down at the waterfront we got a speech from another counselor playing a member of the haganah (the main jewish defense force in palestine leading up to independence, which ben gurion later turned into the IDF). sidebar for a little history: in the 40s the yishuv (jewish agency) and the haganah began a mission called aliyah bet, “the second immigration,” an illegal smuggling operation to bring refugees from the holocaust into palestine under the noses of the british, since almost all countries in the world had barred their doors to jewish immigration from europe (a high level member of the canadian government is famously recorded as having answered, when asked how many jews they should let in, that “none is too many”). volunteer seamen from the US and canada and other countries crossed the ocean on cargo ships hastily refurbished to fit hundreds of people, picking up thousands of refugees in europe to smuggle them onto the beaches of haifa and tel aviv. paul newman has a lovely half nekid scene of this in the movie Exodus when he jumps off the ship in the middle of the night and swims up onto the beach- one of my fave movies ever and pretty much the story of aliyah bet (albeit with tremendous hollywood embellishment and only mild accuracy). these refugees who became illegal immigrants (caught or not) were known as “ma’apilim”- the root of the word is to “climb” or to “rise up”, and is found in the bible referring to the israelites who were still eager to enter the land even after the negative report of the spies.

okay so basically this was the idea. we were “playing” these illegal immigrants who had just escaped the holocaust, and were now facing another threat in the form of the british who were doing their best to keep them out of palestine. k so we’re down at the waterfront. all the kids get divided into small groups of about 10 or so, with one or two counselors at the helm to be our “haganah operatives” and guides to the end. what end, you say? so the camp is spread out into 2 areas, the main camp where the younger kids cabins were, and the dining hall and the gym and the waterfront, etc. then there’s a road in the middle of the camp, and beyond it a hill leading up to the senior cabins and some sports fields at the top. the goal was for each group to make it through camp to the top of the hill without getting caught by the “british,” played by the cits who were roaming around camp.

idk if i have to describe camp further for people who don’t know the concept, but basically we’re all in the middle of the damn woods with nothing around us for miles except the lake and the camps on the other side of it or down the road. ill never forget my first ma’apilim (tbh most of my description is from then, which is why its so fuzzy cuz these memories are 20+ years old), i was so lucky to get the tripper as our group leader (the tripper is the “nature dude” in camp, the survivalist ;). he immediately led us underneath the gym (which of course was just insane to my small mind... UNDER the gym??) to plan our route and give us instructions. we organized a roll call and signals, we practiced walking in a single file line silently and dropping to the ground on his signal. we smeared dirt on our faces for camo in the woods. it was *mason voice* intense. k so then as you can guess, we snuck our way up the hill through the woods. sometimes we’d encounter other groups, once in awhile i remember getting caught by a cit, and they’d take all or some of us to the “jail” on the basketball court” where we’d have to wait for a jailbreak (idk how that worked but it did, i remember it happening but not in any detail). a famous prison break that DID happen was at acre prison in 1947 when the irgun (another paramilitary jewish group) blew up the prison and broke out 28 of their members and 214 arab prisoners. if im not mistaken they briefly refer to it in exodus by recreating a prison break. exciting times. ANYWAYS fuck im such a tangential bitch sorry XD, by the end of the night we’d all make it to the top- “jerusalem”- and we’d have hot chocolate and say morning prayers as the sun rose over the hill.

i feel like my description is a little lacking, but hopefully u get the basic picture. ma’apilim wasn;t even the heaviest part of camp- that was tisha b’av- the fast day when we commemorate the destruction of the temple and every other traumatic destructive event the jewish people have gone thru. that night they’d prepare the camp with candles in sand filled paper bags lining all the paths. after dinner we’d walk with our bunks on the path and watch little skits in different parts of camp- scenes from these moments in jewish history, like the holocaust, pogroms in europe, the spanish inquisition, terror attacks in israel, etc. after walking the path we’d all convene back at the waterfront, where they’d set out a small reconstructed “temple” on a makeshift raft in the lake, and a banner on the beach that said “yizkor”- remember. then they’d light both on fire and we’d sit and watch them burn while singing appropriately somber songs like eli eli, by hannah senesz. after that we’d go back to the gym and lie on the floor in small groups huddled around candles. we’d listen as some people chanted the book of eicha (lamentations), and would slowly fall asleep (depending on our age, of course). anyone that was still up after that was over got to stay in the gym if they wanted to watch exodus- a 4 hour movie. the next day we’d fast all day (only those who wanted- 13 y/o +) and treated it basically like shabbat- no regular activities.

MAN did i get some wild shit imprinted on me from camp!! but i don’t regret one second. i only wish other people could have the experience i did, but i dont even know if they still do that there. they probably do, but this old lady has no excuses to step foot in a summer camp anymore :(

as a completely coincidental aside and not at all as a self promo, idk if u knew this but i’ve been working on a documentary for over a year now and this whole thing is a major part of the plot. i interviewed a lady who was a passenger on the exodus, and about 4 or 5 people who were volunteers from montreal/new york/new jersey/toronto that picked up and smuggled the refugees. the stories are incredible. i just hope the rest of the world will get to hear it from their mouths one day. all we need is 100k to finish the film XD

#clarz #OMG I FORGOT TO POST THIS #i thought i would add to it but this is a fucking essay so ima leave it at that #PLEASE ASK ME MORE QUESTIONS IF U WANT #ANYBODY #i love talking about this shit and i have nobody to do it with :))))#personal #jewish stuff #judaism #holocaust mention #death mention cw #hanging mention cw #nazi mention cw

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wearethegladiators · 5 years

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BUCKLE UP KIDS BC THIS SHIT IS WAY TOO LONG BC I HAVE 0 SELF-CONTROL: A LILY EDITION

Lily is trapped AF. She is an important figure of the Muggleborn Resistance/one of the branches of the Muggleborn Resistance… She’s quite a powerful player because she managed to secure allies… pretty much everywhere (hello Wynona, hello les deatheaters). BUT her branch is very cult-like (yes, this is canon, I thought this through and through promis). It started most likely when she helped a bunch of them to escape from a Mudblood Camp (which was mostly accomplished thanks to/with Sacha but I guess he would try to avoid the spotlight??) Then she was captured a bunch of other times, always escaped, was almost killed a bunch of times, always survived (just Lily stuff). (Also the fact that she disappeared on a crusade for months after the virus to find the muggle survivors and buried/burnt so many bodies… Imaginaries, you know). And that kept on going. At first she thought this was bullshit, she’d make fun of Fury and the bunch of other people treating her like a Wanheda. But then Aron died, and THAT changed everything. Because the building of the Muggleborn Resistance, like you said, it was all for people like him. And every fucking thing Lily did, it was all about him first and foremost. Before her people. Before anyone else. And failing at it, losing the purpose she had for years?? She almost gave up. But then they were these people telling her she survived for a reason, she was meant to do something, she was the queen of the dead of whatever bullshit… Well if she ever met an oracle confirming that, she’d accept it. There HAS to be a reason why SHE survived when everyone else around her is… dead, brainwashed, gone. So she played into that. And Lily, while being an atheist, has always strongly believed in fate and destiny. So in the long run, she’d buy it… Would come to believe she is the only one capable of saving her people from going extinct, and would take drastic measures to prevent it from happening. She has to have a reason to keep going, and so do the people around her because they fucking suffered so much. So that’s what she does – sort of brainwash herself. That’s how she survives, but that’s not how she may live.

Random bullet points and further ranting:

· CLARIFICATION 1: I’ve seen you were confused by some stuff I mentioned like the “Fenugreek drama” which makes sense because I’ve never explicitly spoken about it mdr. But basically, the idea is that Fenugreek got injured during a battle, pretty badly. Healers managed to “bring him back” but he was just done. He did not want to keep on fighting. So he begged everyone in the room to end his suffering and no one was willing to do it because he was a kid. And finally Lily stood up and she did it. (Sung The Parting Glass while doing it because hey, remember Fenugreek was Irish too). That’s the moment when things started to go ugly with Aron.

· CLARIFICATION 2: Lily thought Aron was dead right after she was saved by the Rebellion so I need to check but… mid-1998? Sullivan had caught her and tricked her/her memory into thinking they had killed her brother (he officially did it because they needed to “stop” Lily (mdr the deatheaters thought Lily was a hell of a threat at that time remember) (and the Rebellion was just like “humpf nice kid, how did she survive tho”) ANYWAY it was his way of “stopping” her without killing her) (what a bitch, is he dead btw) (I think so). So after that she had a few weeks/months of being batshit crazy, always running away, having edgy/suicidal behavior, and ultimately savagely killing a deatheater. That’s when she decided it was too much, and since she felt something was wrong with her memory she went to NZ and found her family safe and sound :’) and brought back to the UK :’)

· NOT RELATED BUT CANON: Lily’s ancestors were Vikings. Warriors, explorers. And overall nice people. Btw can we have talk about this? http://www.irishsurnames.com/cgi-bin/gallery.pl?name=evans&capname=Evans&letter=e PEACE. SINCERITY. WOLVES. So anyway long shot I’m sorry but………….. What if Lily’s and Nathan’s ancestors already crossed paths on the sea????

· NEEDS MORE THOUGHT: Lily is a FREAKING GOOD Occlumens. And she uses it way too much. And it’s messing with her mind, her health, and pretty much everything around. Definitely weakens her a lot but she can’t stop. (Also because of what happened when she let down her guard and thought Aron was dead). But the whole Josephine plot….. Makes me wonder if she could not have one such moment again, because she’s frankly exhausted. What if someone takes advantage of it? What if someone attacks her in what is supposed to be her greatest strengths?? HOW BAD WOULD THIS BE???

· NEEDS MORE THOUGHT: SACHA. I always thought of him as a sort of mini-Aron… (and so did Lily, for a while). But you know what Sacha really is? A mini-Lily, struggling not to become everything Lily is at the moment. And Lily, as blinded as she is atm, she can see that. She can feel that. And she’ll be willing to fucking protect that. She won’t be a perfect friend because she’s… she’s fucked up, tbh. Damaged to a point that may not ever be fixed. But she’ll try. She’ll be that one person to tell him to never, ever give up on his brother (even though she may fail at providing him with the support needed to do so). She’ll make sure he does not have to do the fucked-up shit/get his hands dirty. But even more so…. She could use him as her moral compass? Like she has her personal “circle” of counselors if you will (most of them being fanatics :’)) but gradually, she’ll end up turning to Sacha. Because she can see herself in him – everything she used to be, everything she wishes she still was. And speaking to him is like speaking to an older version of herself, a better version of herself. I really want Nathan to be the one helping her out of this mess but… This could certainly help. If Sacha tells her something’s wrong, she’ll listen. She may not seem like she is, but she will.

Finally, I don’t know if you can tell but I’ve been getting A LOT of Nathalily vibes lately. They’re like BROTP ENDGAME YO. There’s definitely angst in there. Lily’s almost exclusively with the Muggleborn Resistance now (she stuck with the rebellion for a while because Aron literally refused to follow with the Muggleborn Resistance and stayed with the Rebels mdr). As you said, the Rebellion and the Muggleborn Resistance have different endgoals and they must sometimes clash, which means that LILY AND NATHAN CLASH. Also the Aron drama must have damaged their relationship somehow (I’m sorry bitch but because of Bellarke I can just SEE Lily slapping Nathan in the face, and the only way she would resort to this would probably be Aron-related). (Also remember that in the Excidium verse Lily had literally LEFT Nathan’s movement because she disagreed so much with it and what he was becoming) (and remember on the CB of les Ames Mortes when Nathan literally ATTACKED Lily to show her how unprepared she was to face the war) (THERE’S ALWAYS BEEN ANGST GNNNN)

But, my point is, even though their relationship might be complicated, even though they’re in conflict sometimes (what if they literally find themselves on opposite sides mdr) (I mean with what you said I could see some Resistants being AGAINST the Rebellion), they’re just ALWAYS THERE for each other. Like there’s a super sensitive thing to do and Lily just goes like “yeah, ask Nathan” without even thinking because!! she trusts him so much!! no matter what!! And everyone’s like “really????” and she’s looking at them like “wtf idiots”. Idk, like the unconditional trust and the unconditional love and the unbreakable bond is still here no matter what? She would come under a minute if she heard he was in trouble, and she would put her life into his hands without even having to think about it. Am I making sense??? And they need to have an emotional retrouvailles sequence with a running!hug and shit. Nathan also needs to help Lily out of this mess hihi. OR Lily could give up all this bullshit when Nathan goes “””dark”””?? Because it was not just Aron her priority – it was her brother, and Nathan’s just that to her.

(Also I’m a sucker for Lily/Nathan saying they’re each other’s brothers and sisters and everyone being like YOU DON’T HAVE THE SAME BLOOD. YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE THE SAME SKIN COLOR. AND SO WHAT BITCH)

Anyway so I’m emotional, I don’t know if you could tell

(Regarding the last gifset: I mean, Lily’s a badass survivor, she’s incredibly luckily and shit. But Nathan plays a big part in her survival over the last few years, both physically and mentally, that we need to acknowledge :’))

#lily #nathalily #there's some more no worries #i'm also finishing chapter 3 of wynona's backstory because ENDOMETRIOSIS IS A BITCH and i haven't been able to write anything coherent in #almost 3 days yo #your last posts #i'm crying #everything's so sad #can everyone just hug each other and come to the conclusion this war should end pls

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adventures-in-transmania · 5 years

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Story time #1, the beginning

So, unlike media tends to represent trans people, I didn't know as a kid. I had no problem being called a tomboy in middle school, from what little I can remember. I do remember getting along far easier with boys than girls, but I also had almost every girl I tried being friends with at that age pull some backstabbing, gossipy, clique-y bullshit and who has time for that?

That being said, I don't think I ever had that phase in which I tried to be overly feminine to fit in, which some trans people go through. I wore dresses and skirts in elementary school without any feeling that it wasn't right. I also grew up in a house with a mentally ill biological mother (BPD) who was also a lesbian. I grew up with my bio father out of the house (saw him occasionally, not all that important tbh) and my mother having girlfriends. It's just how life was. I didn't need it explained, I didn't even realize it was different. It wasn't a big deal.

Fast forward to what I CAN remember, my coming out story. Somewhere around 10th grade I stumbled upon the term transgender. I'd been supportive of LGBT+ for quite a few years by then. I thought about my sexuality occasionally. For the most part, I was into men, but I remember not caring if I ended up with a woman. I remember the whispers of my classmates, calling me a dyke when they thought I couldn't hear them, the rumors about my mother being gay, therefore I had to be gay. They really didn't bother me. The people I considered friends didn't mention it or even care from what I gathered. I didn't really discuss lgbt issues with people from school. My friends were teenaged boys and would squirm if you even mentioned anything queer.

Luckily for me, I had friends online. One was a very mature for her age girl who provided a very positive light in an otherwise dark time. I loved her as a best friend and wouldn't trade my time with her for anything. The other was a boy from the deep South living with a religious family. They both met me as a guy character on a website of which I spent a lot of time on during high school. At some point I told them I wasn't born a guy. They didn't care. Online I was a guy.

That's not to say I knew for certain. I was still figuring things out. I didn't have dysphoria at the time. I had no qualms with people using she/her pronouns.

Sometime in 10th grade, I came out to my parent (my bio mother), thinking someone who identified as a lesbian would at the very least understand, talk, maybe even support their child coming out as trans.

Here's a plot twist, they didn't. Here's an even bigger plot twist. They also came out as trans. So, you'd think a trans parent (haha, jokes to be made here) would support their trans child. You'd be wrong. This has caused me much pain, much grief, just 'much' over the years.

There was six years of silence on the issue. We just didn't talk about it.

It wasn't really an issue that bugged me until a couple years into college. Well, other than the issue with my cousin's wedding. I think It was during either my junior or senior year, my cousin got married. I was in the wedding as a reader of some poem. I grew up with her in my life, she lived with us for some time. My parent made me wear a dress. Maybe that was my phase of trying to be overtly feminine, because I went all out. I wore the dress, 6 inch 'coral' heels, painted my nails, and probably wore make-up (which I never really bothered with, even as a girl). I wasn't happy about wearing the dress at this point in my life, I would have much rather been in a suit. My parent, who at this point had come out to me as trans, was able to wear a suit. No one in our family questioned it. It was a sore spot for me for a while. Maybe that was my first experience with blatantly dysphoria, but I can't say for certain. What I saw at the time was my parent, a trans man to me, a cis lesbian to everyone else, was able to wear a suit, but I was made to be uncomfortable in a dress.

I've talked about this since then (8 years after the fact) with both my parent and my cousin and the reasons make sense, according to our society. I'm now willing to accept it was necessary and I'm pretty much over it.

The other instance that I'm not over and will probably always regret is prom. My senior year, I got into this thing with someone who had been a very, very good friend. It was hard, probably based on senior class nostalgia. I liked him, his intelligence. I don't know what he saw in me. He was traditional, conservative, as most people were where I grew up, with it being a small town with 3 churches in 2 square miles.

We spent a lot of time in the library after school. I stayed to spend time with him, mostly. Over Christmas break during our senior year, I confessed that I liked him, which turned out to be reciprocated for whatever reason, or at least he said. A few months after, we discussed prom. I don't recall either of us being entirely enthused about it, but seeing it as something one should experience in high school, as well as the idea that most of our friends were going.

I believe I mentioned once about my thought to wear a suit to prom. A friend of mine who identified as a cis woman at the time, a lesbian, had worn a suit. I wanted to, also. He said he wouldn't go with me, then. I gave in, as I did at that time. I didn't have many people who actually wanted to be with me in any capacity (there's a bit more to this story, but I'm trying to be concise), so to experience something so paramount to the high school experience, I wanted to be included.

At the time I still identified as a woman to anyone who knew me offline. I wasn't dysphoric, I was just a tomboy. I had started to go by Riley online but couldn't really do so in school or anywhere else. I didn't really discuss anything with anyone offline so the two friends I mentioned earlier online really helped. They may not have completely understood but they let me talk about it and accepted me no matter what.

Another major thing I remember from high school was this one instance with my friend and guidance counselor. I had been 'turned in,' for a lack of a better word for attempting to cut at school (yeah, fucked up thing to do, surprise surprise. I wasn't good at coping with emotions, so sue me). I tried talking to my guidance counselor about potentially being trans and having a bit of a rough time with it, which took a lot of courage to do. The only other person I even thought I could go to had been my parent, as misguided as that was. The guidance counselor hadn't even heard of the term and even after explaining it, didn't have any sort of advice (to be expected after first hearing about it). There was no follow up, no conversation, nothing. Any sort of research would have revealed that trans people (teenagers especially) are at a higher risk of committing suicide and higher risk of being bullied. But it's easy to fall through the cracks when you're not a face or name people remember.

Here's one of my favorite memories from high school. Sometime during my senior year I took a psychology class. It was offered as an elective and I had free time. I would have rather been in a class than having a study hall. The class was taught by someone who had only taken a psychology course in college about 15-20 years ago, which explains a lot. She was certainly not qualified in any capacity to be teaching this class. I had several run ins with this particular teacher, but I kept my head down and did my work for the most part. One of her classes led to a discussion on gun laws and ownership. I was naive at the time, but she made a comment about how she should be able to own a gun so if someone came onto her front lawn, she could defend her property. That was the mentality of a lot of people in this small, conservative town. Great stuff.

So, another class we were talking about biased and unbiased studies. I don't remember the specific topic, but it had to pertain to something hormonal. I brought up the idea that to have a completely unbiased study, you would need test subjects that were AFAB on testosterone and AMAB on estrogen. She couldn't even imagine the concept. That night, I wrote an entire paper on why AMAB people would take estrogen and vice versa. I didn't mention being trans as a reason until the very last line. My biggest regret in life, just before that prom fiasco, is never giving her the paper.

#Storytime #Trans shit #Riley #Anateria

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thelegendofclarke · 7 years

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lmfaowow truly spoken like someone who has no idea what they are fucking talking about. you sound like a crazy bitch trump supporter shut the fuck up you don't get to have opinions or talk about other peoples triggers when you have no fucking idea.

Hm yeah ok.

Well then buddyfriendpal, want to hear a fun fact about me!? I was date raped my freshman year of college.

I usually never tell this story, it’s not a particularly good one. But APPARENTLY you have to provide your entire DNA profile and a full fucking notarized background check blessed by the Pope to get any respect or decency or have people treat you like a fellow human on this Blue Hellshite. So congrats, you are going to get the story in all it’s full, gruesome detail.

I was date raped at a frat party my freshman year of college. I still don’t know what happened, I still have no idea who raped me. All I remember is getting ready for the party and then waking up in the hospital two nights later, severely dehydrated with a chipped tooth, a chunk of hair missing behind my left ear from where it was ripped out, a positive rape kit, and enough GHB in my system to choke a small equine. I didn’t even know how I got to the hospital, I have no recollection of speaking to the doctors. Someone found me in one of the frat house bathrooms puking my guts out. My eyes were rolling back in my head, I couldn’t walk or stand on my own, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t even tell them what my name was. Luckily one of my friends in the frat recognized me. He called my roommate (and then best friend) who picked me up and decided I needed an ambulance. It still barely feels real to me tbh, it feels like something I watched happened to me from outside myself. Sometimes I am terrified that one day the full effect of what actually happened during those few days is going to just hit me all at once. Thinking about that makes it hard for me to breathe.

I didn’t anyone, not even my parents or my sister. The only person who really knew was my roommate and I BEGGED her not to tell anyone. It took less than a week for her to call my then boyfriend and tell him I voluntarily cheated on him. Only then did I tell the full story to someone who wasn’t her or a doctor. I had to move out of our dorm room together, I couldn’t even LOOK at her after she betrayed me like that.

I spent every weekend of my freshman year after that locked in my new dorm room. I had to get tested for every STD in the book and started getting paranoid that I somehow got pregnant even though I was given a morning after pill. I started getting night terrors. I got pretty brutal anxiety and started getting sick all the time, I could barely keep food down. I came home from my freshman year at under 90 pounds. I had to transfer schools, if I stayed there I was going to loose my gd mind.

I found a counselor my sophomore year at my new university. I honest to god have no idea what I would have done with out her. She probably saved my life. I was an anxious, angry, basket case, shell of a person. I felt like I was being buried alive. I don’t know how I would have been able to go on living like that. Idk how I would have ended up, but I am eternally grateful that I never had to find out.

My stomach still drops to my feet every single time someone asks if they can buy me a drink at a bar or get me a drink at a party. I still have trouble making and trusting close friends. I still haven’t told my parents or anyone in my family or most of my closest friends. This is actually probably the first time I have written out the entire story at once. I am honestly glad I have no memory of who raped me, I don’t know how I would be able to deal with that. I don’t know how I could close my eyes knowing what their face looked like. I can’t even imagine what it’s like for people who have to live every day remembering exactly what happened to them. I truly can’t, even the thought is just overwhelming.

I came out the other side. I survived, I lived, I dealt with it. I still deal with it, it’s part of me now (no matter how fucking much I wish it wasn’t)… I KNOW what it feels like. I know what it feels like to have to deal with trauma and triggers. I know what it feels like to wish you could pour hydrogen peroxide all over your brain until you can forget and it feels clean again. But that trauma, that experience, those triggers, they are MINE. It’s my job to stay away from fiction, tv shows, and fanfiction that have any of the things that trigger me in them. It’s my job to not read fics with drunk non-con, or watch tv shows with non-con elements like Jessica Jones, or go anywhere near documentaries like The Hunting Ground. Its my job to use Tumblr Savior and Blacklist and make sure I take care of myself. I am not going to place that responsibility on anyone else’s shoulders, I would never and could never ask that of anyone. I know that fandom is NOT my safe space, I know that I have to make my own safe space. To expect an entire FANDOM to not only know what triggers me, but to cater specifically to me, I honestly can’t think of anything more unfair and self centered.

My pain, my trauma, my triggers, they aren’t weapons. They aren’t tools I can use to shame, attack, or put other people down. They don’t give me the right to police anyone else, they don’t give me special privileges. They don’t give me the right to say whatever the fuck I want to anyone about anything. They aren’t a special pass. They don’t make me more important. They are my responsibility, just like my fandom experience.

Grow up and get over yourself, your life is going to be a whole lot easier when you do.

#oh and also kindly go fuck yourself #kgreatthanks #rape tw #date rape tw #Anonymous

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fairycosmos · 6 years

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How do I cope with an emotionally distant/neglecting mother? I used to be in denial about the fact that relationships with parents really is important especially in developing years and I'm only 15 but I'm realizing that her physical and emotional neglect has caused pretty much all of my mental problems and eating issues and I don't know how to cope without anger. No matter how much I try I never have her approval or attention. I literally just walked past her crying and she didn't bat an eye.

okay so i highkey typed a REALLY long response to this a few days ago but it got deleted so i’m extremely sorry for the late reply ahhhhh. i have to say tho, i can honestly relate to this so much and i feel so fucking bad that you’re dealing w it, bc it can genuinely feel like the worst thing in the world. you’re honestly a lot stronger than you realize for getting through it, love. now obviously your mother is a really important and integral figure in your life, but the way she’s going about things is fucking ridiculous and there comes a point where you just have to take a step back and look at it from an outsiders perspective. the way she’s been treating you is NOT a reflection of you at all - it’s not because you did something wrong, it’s not because you’re not worthy of attention - it’s because she’s a bad parent. she’s the only one that can be blamed for her own words/actions, and that’s what it comes down to. how she acts is completely out of your hands, so try to coach yourself into not letting it torment you as much bc it’s quite simply beyond your control. try not to give her that power over you anymore, because she obviously doesn’t deserve it. at the end of the day, you could do anything and be anyone and it wouldn’t make a difference, because the problem isn’t you, it’s her. tbh it’s really fucking unfair that you have to deal with the repercussions and negative consequences of her actions. it’s truly horrible that you’re being left with such emotional damage and pain, but you have to know that it doesn’t define you, and that you will get through it even when it feels impossible to do so. i know i’m only like 2 yrs older than you lmao, but you’re still very young and the way things are right now definitely isn’t how they’re always going to be, seriously.

obviously i’m not going to tell you to start ignoring her completely - keep talking to her, keep the channel of communication between the two of you open to an extent - but don’t allow her to have a hold over you anymore. distance yourself from her poisonous attitude and try to find validation through yourself, rather than through her. what she thinks of you doesn’t matter anymore, because if she wants to ignore your pain and neglect you like that, then she doesn’t deserve to have any emotional authority over you either, you know? like i said before, she’s your mother and you’re probably always going to crave her time/love in some way, but you can’t help how she chooses to react to that. you can’t change her, she has to do that herself. it’s not your responsibility to force her to care, and it’s not your fault that she seems not to care at all. maybe some day she’ll see the error of her ways, but for now i think it’s vital that you know that there are many many other avenues of help and support that don’t include your mother. i’m not just saying that, they’re not just empty words - if you’re going through something and if you’re unhappy then you have every right to reach out and to talk about it. that’s the first step towards overcoming it and moving on. please, please don’t write the idea off before you’ve tried it. i get that it’s scary and intimidating, but it won’t be anywhere near as bad as you think it’s going to be at all. it’s fine to be afraid, it’s what you do when you’re afraid that counts. cause people really care about you, and they’ll help you through this if you let them. your school will probably have a counselor you can talk to, but if not even telling a trusted teacher what’s going on will help more than you realize. in addition to that, there are a lot of mental health organizations and support groups that specialize in helping teenagers, i’m sure you could find some in your area if you looked it up. you have options. you’re not trapped, even if you think you are. i get that it feels like a lot of effort, and maybe talking to someone is the last thing in the world you want to do, but it’s for the good of your mental health and your happiness. you need to make those two things the main priority. if you do that, i promise that you’ll notice a positive difference eventually. believe me, there are others out there like you, and a lot of people can relate. please think about the idea of reaching out, and don’t let temporary feelings of fear and anxiety talk you out of it. you’ll be okay, you really will. there are many people out there that have been through what you’re going through, and yet they’ve gone on to lead very successful and happy and free lives. once you’re an adult and you’re independent, you’ll be able to come to terms with it all in an easier and more mature way. i get that it probably feels like ages away, but the point is that there will come a day when you are going to be able to live on your own terms, exactly as you want to without your mother being such a painful and negative presence. seriously, it’s going to be alright. i’m gna leave some links that might be able to offer further guidance and support, but i want you to know that i’m always here if you need to talk. just message me anytime.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/culturally-speaking/201303/overcoming-the-pain-childhood-abuse-and-neglect

https://wehavekids.com/family-relationships/Learn-7-Ways-to-Survive-an-Emotionally-Absent-Mother-and-Lead-a-Joyful-Life

https://psychcentral.com/lib/seeking-mental-health-care-taking-the-first-scary-step/

https://www.everydayhealth.com/hs/major-depression/ask-for-help/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2015/11/four-steps-to-heal-empty-feelings/

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-recognize-overcome-childhood-emotional-neglect-0218165

http://www.drjonicewebb.com/how-to-deal-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents/

http://www.puckermob.com/moblog/13-reasons-to-keep-going-when-you-feel-like-you-cant

#tw neglect #tw emotional abuse

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gershwintheatre · 4 years

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For remember-me-with-smiles

So I had this idea where Walt found David after realizing he had a son out there. David, feeling miserable because he is not connecting with his military father meets Walt and discovers the truth. That Walt is his real dad and the fact that David is very impressionable pushes David to doing this. The idea behind Shelby being taken and the other girl being taken is this... David gets a blond, blue-eyed prostitute (basically a Jane Doe) and takes her into the woods while Walt kidnaps Shelby. Walt has always wanted Shelby so Walt kills the Jane Doe with the belief that if they make everyone believe it is Shelby then he could hide her away.

This context makes gives a lot of clarification to the outline! I think as long as you give a well-enough explanation of how David is Walt’s biological son and how they were separated it could work. I’d also keep in mind that though David is a negative character in the show he’s still a kid who was sent to Horizon because of his struggles. It may come across negatively to some readers to make him a villain.

For some reason I thought Shelby was closer to 18 which is why the whole under-age thing completely flew over my head. So in the case of this story, I guess Shelby will be older. I thought Shelby was going to be graduating from Horizon soon? I will have to go back and rewatch the last episode to see how Shelby’s story ends.

I admittedly haven’t watched the show in quite a while, but I believe Katherine was the only one close to graduation. I got the sense that she was the only senior in the group, and that the rest were sophomores or juniors. Not sure if this is helpful to you, but as a viewer I imagined Ezra, Juliette, Shelby, and maybe Scott were sophomores, Daisy and Auggie were juniors, and Kat was a senior.

As for Peter, I figure Shelby has always seen Peter as the Dad she never had and I felt like he would want to watch out for her too. I was thinking that at first he tries to convince her to stay and maybe she fools him into believing she would. However, Shelby is a runner and she takes off. Now my idea was to leave Jess in the dark for her safety and knowing she could trust Peter and Sophie to care for her.

I definitely agree with the father point, or at least that Shelby views him as a stand in for a parental figure! And I think it is reasonable that Shelby would feel she could trust them enough to leave her sister behind, especially if she consciously recognized how young her sister is and how difficult her (Shelby) life will be as she tries to leave her entire identity behind.

I still need to work out where JJ goes and the connections she makes. Another option is that Peter knows someone who puts her in witness protection because of Walt and David. In this case, she would have to know it was them. I’ve just honestly read some other JJ/Shelby stories where she is placed in witness protection and I didn’t want to seem like I was copying them, but if think of a way I can twist it I will consider it. If I do go the witness protection plot-line I lose the added shock value towards the end of the story, but it could work.

I think the witness protection program could work; I don’t have too much knowledge on how it works tbh, but it seems like something a reader could reasonably suspend a bit of belief over even if it isn’t the most realistic

Like I said above, I figure Peter would be the one person from her old life she would keep in contact with. Maybe her sister to if you think it’s worth adding. Peter watches over Shelby from a distance making sure she’s okay.

I think that as long as the story follows a certain path in terms of when & how Shelby leaves Horizon and changes her identity, then keeping in contact with Peter seems believable/feasible. Outside of these restraints, there’s also the factor of Shelby’s personality. If she were to keep in contact with him, she seems like the type of person that would keep sporadic contact and kind of does is begrudgingly (imo). All of this could also translate to a relationship with Jess, if you decide to go that route.

At first I was going to have Peter write to her and or she calls him when she receives the invitation, but I figured an in-person meeting would make it harder for her to turn him down. If you don’t think Peter coming to her work is a good idea I could always have them meet maybe at a diner or at her home. A diner could be interesting and maybe a co-worker is there picking up breakfast and sees them talk. Of course they don’t know who this guy is sitting with JJ. Instead of them overhearing JJ talk about Shelby it could be the shock value of them recognizing a picture of Peter when they later look into Horizon. They remember JJ sitting with him. No matter the case, Peter reveals to JJ that her sister is still working at the school as a counselor and Scott is planning on visiting once the off-season of football starts up.

I think a non-work setting seems the most realistic, and the idea of a diner or other place that this person could see them sounds fun! The idea of them recognizing Peter seems like it would fit better in terms of realism, because Shelby/JJ’s interaction with him isn’t as incriminating (they don’t know exactly why she has a connection with him and can’t prove that she actually knows anything about the case), whereas her stating anything about the case is very damning.

If I do keep this part in... When JJ makes the loud statement about “Shelby died in the woods that night.” And her co-worker overhears I do believe that is something to be brought up later. Her team has a rule of not profiling each other so her teammate watches and waits for the right moment to confront her. Of course she pushes away and gets angry.

You’d have to be very careful about how this statement & her co-worker’s suspicions and how they tie in later. I think once it becomes known to her coworker that Shelby/JJ’s statement is tied to the case in any way, it may come across as unbelievable that her teammate would keep this completely under-wraps. Maybe they could confront her about it and if Shelby/JJ is able to give them a convincing enough answer they’d decide to keep quiet.

What I was really going for was the idea that her co-worker asks her about Shelby and JJ pushes away. Then when the name pops up during search history and the fact she was found in the woods they put it all together. That JJ knew this girl Shelby. Either this, or the co-worker recalls seeing JJ sitting with Peter at the diner.

Similar to my last point, I think this could work in the situation where Shelby gives them a convincing answer/lie to keep them quiet

I’m glad you like the idea about Ezra being the one who brings her the case. I was thinking more along the lines of Ezra being a story reporter rather than a police officer. He seemed to enjoy documentaries and creative writing at Horizon so I thought it would fit his character. My thought was that Ezra knew Shelby and when these similar cases start popping up he puts it all together and brings JJ the cases in the hopes of not only finding the person responsible but also getting an exclusive on the story.

I think this could definitely work as well; I can totally see him as a reporter!

I know I’m going overboard on the crossovers, but I figure the way I’m planning on doing it will make sense. So JJ meets Kat at the police station, she married Hank who is now the lead investigator. Just because Kat and JJ meet does not mean Kat has to recognize her. Daisy works at the ME. When they arrive at the station two of JJ’s co-workers head to the ME’s office and get their information. When they return and JJ hears whom the ME is she makes a visit while her teammates are off having dinner (maybe she fakes being ill and with her odd behavior they all let it slide). JJ runs into Daisy who has this instinct about who she really is. I felt they had a strong connection as teens. Its an eye opening moment for JJ, realizing these girls at the ME’s office could have been her had she not gotten away. As for Juliette, well her story turned out sad. After leaving Horizon she hooked back up with Auggie but when he died (maybe a rival gang caught up with him) Juliette lost her compass. She really lost her way and found herself on the streets. Because the girls being taken are prostitutes (Jane Does), I was thinking JJ’s team could be out canvasing local hook ups. There, JJ finds Juliette who can vaguely recall who might be taking the girls and how it is being done. I Thought this would be an interesting tie-in. Maybe JJ helps Juliette by bringing her to Kat who offers to help her get back on her feet.

Kat’s ties through Hank definitely seem believable, and I like the Daisy idea as well. I immediately pictured a scenario where Daisy doesn’t really let Shelby/JJ know if she recognizes her or not, and Shelby/JJ is kind of uncomfortable because of it, but at the end of their interaction as they are parting ways she says something kind of cryptic that leads us and Shelby to believe she recognizes her. It seems very in-character for Daisy to silently recognize Shelby and not let on that she recognizes her until they are parting ways. I can also totally picture her working for a ME. I think that’s also an interesting spin for Juliette’s character and could fit into the storyline. Tbh I visually pictured Ruby from the early seasons of Once Upon a Time (lol!), so if you were looking for another spinoff/reference, maybe she could be going by the name Ruby! I think in all situations where someone don’t recognize Shelby, it would be helpful to make this known to the reader so they aren’t thinking “why doesn’t so and so recognize her?”. Maybe portraying Shelby/JJ worrying that they will recognize her and being relieved when they don’t.

My idea was maybe JJ was told to pick up lunch for her teammates and when she returns she overhears Garcia talking about how there was a similar case 10 years ago. A Shelby Merrick. Her co-worker recalls JJ talking about a girl named Shelby. Either that or when a picture of Peter shows up the one profiler remembers seeing JJ with Peter. She decides to put the take-out food on the doorstep and takes a company car to Horizon. JJ knows its just a matter of time before they find out the truth and scared of what her teammates will think and also about her Horizon family finding out the truth about her running away she decided to go to Horizon. Knowing that her long ago boyfriend and sister are there she wants to come clean to them about what she did before it all breaks lose in front of her FBI crew.

This additional context definitely helps clarify things. I think this could also be a cool opportunity to exemplify the battle between her personality/identity as Shelby and JJ; in a situation like this it seems likely Shelby would instinctually try to run and avoid being found out, but JJ would be more likely to try to get a handle on things and prepare for when everything comes out.

There, she does run into Scott who is visiting the school during the off-season of Football and for the reunion. Jess is now working there as a counselor. I wasn’t planning on having Jess know about JJ, but as a reader if you think it is something worth adding then I will consider it. Maybe Peter and Jess were both people she wrote to. If I do decide to keep Jess in the dark I think JJ would have her reasons. She trusts Peter and Sophie to care for her and know Peter will keep her updated. Jess would have a hard time with JJ coming back, but I think regardless she would whether she knew the truth or not. It has been 10 years after all. So like I said, when JJ returns to Horizon Jess is working at the school. She counsels a group of kids, one being a girl similar to Shelby and Jess (doesn’t have to be the same childhood trauma but in looks). Somehow Jess and JJ get on the subject about a tiger necklace Jess wears. Walt used to call Jess and Shelby Kitten. The necklace is a reminder that he no longer can hurt them and that Jess is in control over her life. She doesn't have to live in fear.

I think either way could work for Jess. I definitely agree that reuniting with Shelby and/or realizing what happened to her would be a big moment for both and this stands out as something that can’t be rushed through.

When JJ arrives at Horizon she and Scott get into a big argument (the kind they used to have as teens…good old Shelby and Scott). Anyways, Peter suggests they go on a buddy hike to talk over what happened. No people, only nature and the two of them working together and talking. I was thinking that by the time they return to Horizon her team is just arriving and they do bring in Peter, Scott, and JJ for questioning. Her team figures it was Peter and Scott working as a team to take these girls and somehow JJ knows about Shelby. It’s during JJ’s interview that it all comes out, about Walt and her being Shelby. How she was taken one night when the Jane Doe was found and everyone thought it was her she felt like she could finally breath for the first time. She had her chance to make a new life for herself and she took it.

I really like the idea of being back at Horizon/around her old classmates bringing out her Shelby personality and letting the readers see the struggle she probably has with trying to suppress that part of herself so she can live as JJ. I could see this whole portion of the story really being a blend of her Shelby and JJ personalities, and the two identities kind of battling each other as her two worlds really collide.

While being interviewed that night Jess and the female student who resembles the two girls is taken. Jess leaves the tiger necklace for JJ to find knowing she would understand. Going off of the necklace and memories, JJ convinces her team that she knows who has them and where they are. She tells them the wrong location so she can get to them first and by the time they realize what has happened JJ is face to face with Walt and David.

As a reader, I would question why Walt/David decided to resurface on this specific night, so you’d want to make sure to have an explanation for this. I think this could also another opportunity to show the Shelby/JJ inner struggle.

Overall, this gave a lot of clarification! As I said, I think a really interesting opportunity with this story would be to see Shelby/JJ’s inner struggle as her two worlds collide.

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