#and that’s only after the demon has been killed or more accurately —deflated

[itspileofgoodthings]

also I had a breakthrough today that I had in fact overthought a Specific Problem to Death and that I had created a monster in my own mind and that’s why it felt like I was being eaten alive every time I tried to solve it.

#not to put too fine a point on it but that’s what happened with the whole is Maria going to become a nun question tbh #and I needed a counselor to say to me objectively and yet also crucially without any knowledge of me or my past: #you have overthought this and now you’re terrified of it #anyway it’s so obvious but it came home to me today. slowly. #like it was just like. Oh. You did it again #you’re terrified of this because you have thought of every possibility and every outcome and every twist and turn and shadow—- #until it has become a bloated demon in your mind that is totally separated from reality #while made up of real facts and details! and tbh I know it’s a common problem #but the anxiety chokehold I can put myself in is something that is so impressive and so disturbing #I can render myself absolutely helpless through the meanderings of my own thoughts #and what makes it worse—immeasurably worse—is that I get OUT of problems through careful thought and analysis #I’m programmed that way #so I can’t escape it by the usual means. I have to back away from the monster and see it and NAME it and then it can die away. #and only THEN can I apply my usual ways of going about things. I don’t know it just all clicked today #these past few days have just been bringing it all to a fever pitch for me #anyway I guess it’s also important to me that I still be allowed to be analytical about it!!! I have to use my brain!!!!!!! #in my desperation I have tried to shut it off to feel only with my heart. To try to catch the whisper of God’s voice in the wind #but tbh I am meant to use the gifts I have! But only in the right context #and that’s only after the demon has been killed or more accurately —deflated #my counselor has been so good about this tbh. she’s so matter of fact and blunt and salt of the earth and also she sees how my mind works #and wants me to be able to use it!! #so I’m just going to tell her that I did the bad thing with this other problem and can she help me find a way forward #ANYWAY THE MONSTERS TURNED OUT TO BE JUST TREES

[darkdevasofdestruction]

A Thousand Year Love ~ Ryomen Sukuna x Kitsune!Reader

Okay, I wrote the Reader's name as "Kitsune", but that's mostly because I envisioned a nine tailed fox without an actual name, that everyone would just call her "Fox" as if she wasn't anyone worth naming, despite her rank.

This is a little fic which explored Sukuna's supposed backstory, 1000 years prior to he action of Jujutsu Kaisen - Idk if it's accurate, I didn't yet read the manga, I still have 6 more episodes from the anime, but I had this idea and I couldn't stop myself from writing about it.

Most of it builds up the bond that very slowly grows between Sukuna and Kitsune, then snaps during a scene somewhere around episode 4 of the anime, when Sukuna takes over Yuji's body, and Yuji can't switch for a while, but with enough altercations that it's not exactly the same as in the said episode.

Hope you enjoy this <3

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"What are we doing here...?" Kitsune asked her parents in a voice that was barely audible as she looked left and right at the huge estate's gardens.

Estate? Rather said, palace, since this place was grandiose - Most likely, even more so than the Emperor's own Palace, the girl thought to herself. Everywhere she looked, cherry, plum and pear trees were in blossom, even though it wasn't their time. Statues and little shrines, along with various small pools with flowers, lanterns and lotuses were scattered as much as her vision would allow her to see. Looking up at the estate, she realised just how small she was in comparison to the intimidating and imposing energies radiating all over the place.

"You are going to meet someone very important, dear." her mother spoke, yet her voice wasn't as gentle as usual, rather, it sounded stiff, on the edge...Almost afraid, maybe? It was foreign for young Kitsune, as she has been confined in her little palace her whole life under the pretext of keeping her safe. But it did exactly the opposite, she believed, considering she itched to explore and go on adventures with each second passing. "Who is it?" she asked as soon as they stepped inside the palace...But it was so dark, save for the red, malicious light from the lanterns and candles lit in just the perfect places so it would guide them to the room they had to go to. "...You will find out soon." her father snapped at her, and she could only frown, her fluffy ears flicking as her tails wrapped protectively around herself. She knew something was wrong, and she had half a mind to believe she was brought there as a sacrifice for some War Deity that would allegedly save them from this era of war...Or something along the lines.

After a longer walk than expected, they found themselves in front of two large, red doors, and without any kind of reticence, Kitsune effortlessly slammed the doors open and saw a dimly lit room with a few stairs and a throne where a man with short, kinda spiky pink hair, garbed in a loose, white kimono was smugly sprawled over that royally embellished chair, while tons of gorgeous women dressed in the most luxurious kimonos, their hair done up with intricate headpieces and flowers that would put any living being to shame...

But what is this about? Kitsune was more confused than anything, and she could only step inside the room, slowly and carefully, before turning to look at her parents, who had a pitiful look in their eyes.

"What is going on?" Kitsune demanded an answer, her voice agitated, her body ready to go into a fight or flight mode, her eyes darting rapidly between her parents and the man on the throne whose name she wasn't interested in finding out. "Well, darling...You see...You had to find you a husband. You are old enough to be married, and you can't stay with us forever. You need to have a family and children. You are the princess of the Fox clan, there is nobody more beautiful than you -..." her mother tried to reason, but the young girl wasn't stupid. She understood what was going on. "No. No. If you want to speak - Then speak the truth. Don't lie to me. This guy is strong, isn't he? Some kind of demonic thing that everyone is afraid off. You are giving me away to this guy...To be his...Thousandth concubine in his harem or something, just because you're too weak to take care of our kin. That's the truth, isn't it? Go on, admit it. Stop trying to sugar coat the situation." her nine tails opened from around her in a large, undulating fan, making her aggression obvious, as fire began to immolate the tips of her fur. "SHUT UP, IMPERTINENT, UNRULY CHILD!" her mother slapped her face, not wanting their benefactor to hear his future concubine speaking so foul of him. "You are a woman, and the princess, nonetheless, and your role is to continue our kin and obey your family and husband. Do not speak unless you are allowed to!" but before her mother could grab her face, Kitsune's tail slapped her hand away, and she stepped back. "I am nobody's toy. I will not obey anyone's orders. Not yours, and not his. I will not be just another concubine for some disgusting, good for nothing lecher with no redeeming quality." the girl snarled at them, ready to make her escape out of there, if needed. "If your sister was alive, she would have sacrificed herself for the greater good of this family! You are nothing more than a selfish brat!" it was her father's time to accuse her, which made her ears perk up, while her tails completely deflated. "Yes, of course, how could I forget. It was me who should have died, not my perfect elder sister. Sorry, but you should curse the Gods, not me for that. But, since it seems that my life is meaningless to you, then I will make you a favour! I will end it myself! I'm sure you'll be happy without me, won't you? Ahh...But how will you save our war-ridden? Too bad I won't be alive to witness your demise, huh?" with a dark chuckle, Kitsune's hand went inside her kimono, taking the small kodachi sword and unsheathing it, hearing only the gasps and shrieks of fright from the harem girls. Kitsune could only guess that these girls were all high-born and unfamiliar to the horrible things happening outside of these walls. "What the hell are you doing, you idiotic child?! Cease this madness at once!" her mother shrieked at her, lounging towards her, trying to stop herself from impaling that blade through her body, and yet...

The second the girl launched her hand down to stab herself...She got stopped. The whole place became instantly silent, save for the sound of a blade bouncing down as it fell on the wooden floor. "Enough." a dark, annoyed voice resounded through the place as Kitsune's wrists were grasped by the man's...Front hands? While her body was immobilized in an embrace by his other two arms. "I was promised a beautiful princess as a concubine, and you failed to do as you promised. Leave, before I get bored and kill you." he threatened the two adult fox people who scurried away in a hurry, leaving behind their only daughter without a second thought. "You, however...Will remain here." he chuckled in her ear, but Kitsune wasn't one to be messed with. Her answer came in the form of lighting up her tails on fire an wrapping them around the man, who hissed and unhanded her, allowing her enough time to go into a corner and get in a fleeing stance. "Why did you stop me? I have no intention of being one of your whores. You should have let me end it right there." she scoffed at the man, who dismissed the bottom pair of arms and laughed. It was almost a psychopathic laugh, she thought, and it made the hair on the back of her neck stand up - Unsure if it was from fright or disgust. "You amuse me, little vixen. Very much, you amuse me. Having a little fox wag her tails around this place, all fired up, would give some sense of fun, wouldn't you say?" his voice was grating her, and she only wanted to sock him in the jaw. "Keep on dreaming. I'm not your toy, and I'm not here for anyone's entertainment. You have enough girls in this place to amuse you. I'll be going now, and even if you chain me, you can't stop me from achieving my freedom." Kitsune growled at him, slamming open the sliding door that would lead into the balcony, from where she could jump the hell away from there. "You proved you value your life even less than your parents do, so chaining you would do nothing. I have never seen a woman as fiery as you. All the ones I have are the same. Meek, soft...Afraid. Boring. They all like the same things, and hate the same things." he groaned pitifully, evidently bored out of his mind. "They hate you, don't they? You want women, but you don't bother treating them right. Can you get even more typically terrible? Pitiful and disgusting, that's what you are. You just want to break people for your entertainment. You are nothing more than a selfish megalomaniac. No wonder you are in need of entertaining, you are thoroughly boring." Kitsune's degrading words, however, didn't seem to phase the man at all - In fact - It made him laugh. Never, in this life, has he heard anything this degrading before - Everyone tried their best to appeal to his benevolent and merciful side - To at least spare their lives. He was stronger than anyone alive, so nobody dared speak up in front of him. It was obvious she had no idea who he was - All the better - He thought. "Ryomen Sukuna, missy, but you can call me your Emperor." that confident laugh was enough to drive Kitsune up the wall with anger as she stomped to his side and actually punched his jaw. It was annoying - The height difference - As he towered over her entirely, but at least she managed to reach where needed, little miss firecracker. "Piss off." the fox girl growled in anger at him...And yet...He only...Laughed. And he cupped her face, getting his own so close to hers that they could feel each other's breaths. "You. Are. Mine." his grin was so wide and sociopathic that he might as well have had his face split in two. "I will never be yours. I will never be anyone's. I'm not an object. I will not obey anyone. The second you leave me out of your sight, I will flee, and you will never see me again. And if I can't, I will find a way to kill myself. I have nothing to live for, but everything to die for." Kitsune bared her elongated canines at him, and gosh, was she enticing. "And if I get rid of the harem?" he asked, not bothering with everything she talked before. "You'll be a heartless jerk who'll destroy

the lives of so many women." she refuted just as quickly. "And if I don't fuck anyone but you?" he threw that, wanting to fluster her, but the fire in her eyes only ignited even higher. "As usual, you can only think with the wrong head, can't you? There's nothing to you but your stupid little prick. How pathetic. And you call yourself a man. Go die in the war or something." she grabbed him by the loose neck line of his kimono, only to hear him laughing condescendingly. "But darling, that just couldn't possibly happen. I am simply too strong to get killed. Everybody fears my power, why else do you think your parents were so willing to give you away? They were weak, just like you said, and every weakling needs the help of Ryomen Sukuna, Japan's own God of War." this statement made the girl's gorgeous eyes widen in shock...Only to start laughing, almost hysterically. "Oh, bow down to the self proclaimed God of War! Can you believe that! Your majesty, tone down your arrogance, it's gonna get yourself killed! I knew it, you're absolutely useless! All you can do is bark, no bite, little puppy! The only thing intimidating about you is your height, other than that, you are just a generic man who thinks he's all to powerful. How ridiculous." the fox girl couldn't stop her degrading laughing, which confused the man for a while, only to smirk and pick her up bridal style, carrying her out of that room, not letting her get out of his grasp, no matter how much she tried to wiggle or burn him. "I won't let you go until you acknowledge my infinite strength, cute, little fox. But don't think that just because I favour you, I will let you get away with all the shit you called me." his voice sounded darker, more ominously, but it didn't seem to intimidate the girl. "Not in a million years. Not even in your sweetest dreams. You're pathetic and I'll never acknowledge you as anything else but a disgusting, lecherous pig!" she yelled at his face, to which he responded by letting her roughly fall on a soft futon, then crouching by her side and gripping her face just as her mother did before. "Say that again when you'll end up screaming my name as if your life depends on it." he laughed at her before leaving her new room, which she won't leave for a while.

This annoying girl, Sukuna was intrigued by her, but at the same time, he was very tempted into strangling her or snapping her neck - Despite all that fire she lets out, he was curious if she'd end up groveling in self-pity, begging him for mercy, going back on her previous misguided and foolish courage. Wasn't it bad enough that she had no idea who HE was? He also had to endure such disrespect - And even worse - Enjoy it? That little fox bitch was ready to commit seppuku in front of everyone just to prove a point, what the hell else could be more entertaining? All the women he's had were given away by their families as tributes, and none said a word. He was a jerk to them, he fucked them, he mistreated them - Sukuna didn't give a fuck about any woman, man, child, animal...Or any living being in the world, except for himself. All were beneath him - Unworthy, weak, frail -...

And yet, they still lie to his face, trembling as they say all the fake, sweet nothings - "I love you, My Lord" the women would say, their voice shaky, jumping in fright as he'd touch them. He was a rough man, he never knew gentleness, nor mercy, no love - Through all the words spewed by the firey woman, the part where she declared he had no idea how to treat women properly - Yes, it was true, but did he care? Of course not.

Humans were all puppets with whom he could play as much as he wanted - All instruments for his entertaining in this terribly boring world, he would manipulate everyone like dolls on his strings, and when they've exhausted their means of entertaining him, the string will be cut, and the puppets will fall in an abyss of infernal fire.

For the first two weeks, Sukuna and Kitsune were literally acting like a cat chasing a mouse - And each time, the cat would surprise the mouse just as she was about to survive - He was giving her hope of success, only to pick her up by one of her many tails, or embrace her from behind, pick her up, trip her, show up from behind a tree, play with her hair as he came up from a tree behind her, and sometimes, even going as far as to mock her by pointing her the way out of the place.

But very soon, she gave up, and decided to starve herself to death by not leaving her assigned room, ignoring him entirely whenever she'd get visited by him - But that ended in the worst way possible - With her fainting and unable to wake up, and Sukuna freaking out because he didn't want his little toy to die before she got boring.

He laid next to her on the futon, holding her in his eyes, brushing her hair out of her face, playing with her vivid red hair - She truly looked like a fox in Sukuna's eyes, and he almost felt his heart warm up as he felt up the soft fur on her tails, waiting for his cursed energy to heal her up. After some time, he noticed the little red ball of fur getting smaller and smaller as she cuddled into his chest, resembling a defenseless kit searching for warmth, love and safety from its mother. She was so much smaller than him - So frail, so thin, so soft...So cute? - What was it that he was feeling? Calmness? Protectiveness?

He was furious at her for neglecting her health just so she wouldn't give him the satisfaction of toying with her - But that was also endearing, in its own, messed up way? She would go to such dramatic extremes to prove him wrong...It seemed that no matter what she did, it would still make him enjoy her company.

Whenever he'd fuck one of his harem girls, he wouldn't stay over, not even for a kiss - Hell, he didn't even know most of their names - Why should he? They were all the same to him - But he felt such a strong sense of protectiveness over he - He didn't want to strangle her to death anymore - Maybe just a bit of fun, some teasing, some startling - His hand around her supple neck as she looks up at him with her sparkling eyes, calling out his name - Sukuna, Sukuna - Pleading softly, but desperately to him for her sweet release - Sukuna, Sukuna - And he will be merciful, for once, and give her what she wants.

Just as he was caught in his own, sick fantasy, he felt the girl move and grumble, turning on her back, her small hands flying to rub her eyes awake - And he rolled over her, a playful, teasing smirk on his face as he waited for her to realise the position they were in - And yet, she was still out of it, for her eyes were half-lidded and gleaming, she was still weak from her lack of self-care, and she could only look up at him, dazed..."Sukuna...?" she mumbled in a whispery tone - What is she doing to him?! How dare she entice him so much? He wasn't supposed to be attracted to her in any way, so why...?!

"Relax, sweet-cheeks. I'm here." he spoke in a low voice, not wanting to alert her...Wait, what - "...Thanks." muttering that, she let out a soft sigh as she closed her eyes again, the corners of her mouth slightly turned upright as she allowed herself to fall back asleep and rest, not caring too much that she felt a slight pressure on both of her hands, in the form of the demon man pressing his own hands to hers, intertwining their fingers together as he towered over her, watching her chest rise and fall rhythmically as she breathed, her kissable, pink lips just a tiny bit parted. He couldn't stop himself - She was too irresistible, and he was much too insatiable - And he leaned down, pressing his own lips over hers - Gently - Very gently in fact, almost as if afraid of breaking a porcelain doll, as if afraid to crush a snowdrop he just picked from a glade, one just just barely managed to get out from under the remaining, melting snow of early spring. "You'll be the death of me, cutie." he found himself saying as he licked his lips, taking in the sweetness of the kiss.

Since then on, despite not being exactly friendly with the man, the fox girl didn't hate him that much anymore. It even got well enough for them to eat in the same room, or play shogi - The girl beating him at it more often than not, which left mixed feelings in his heart - And then he showed her the musical instruments that the concubines would sometimes use whenever he'd want a banquet and more sinful indulgences. He didn't ask her to play for him, though. He realised that the more he tried to push the girl, the less likely she'll actually do anything he wants.

Even more, the more time they spent together, the more his concubines would get neglected - So much that he was completely drawn to this fox girl and all the other women were completely wiped from his head. - And he started gifting her a bunch of beautiful kimonos, only to find them in front of his room's door, rejected. She didn't want anything from him, nor did she want his favour, so she continued wearing her simple clothes.

Until...

Until one night - It was a special night, really - For the moon was full, and big, and gleaming with such a beautiful silver light that neither of them saw in the many years they've been alive. And Kitsune dressed in one of her festival yukatas and went to the lotus pond, surrounded by a few wisteria trees, as the mirror of the water reflected the celestial orb like sparkling zircons. The fox gingerly jumped in the middle of the sheen, walking on it like a spirit, only her feminine silhouette being seen, as her long hair was gently blown by the warm spring wind and her tails were dancing around her in perfect sync. As her feet moved to the sound of the melody she played on a vertical flute she was given by the owner of the place, Sukuna found himself unable to move from his place on the palace balcony, his sight fixated on the woman's form as she alternated playing the instrument and dancing with ribbon-fans.

Her moves were fluid and mystifying like those of a priestess leading a will'o'wisp to rest into kakuriyo, the land of the dead - what was he supposed to do now? He was confused and mesmerised. He's seen his fair share of beautiful women playing instruments and dancing for him - Hundreds of them, in fact - But none could match the effect this nine tailed fox girl had on him.

This continued days on end, but he never admitted to her that he was stalking her every night, nor that he was completely enchanted and under her spell, at the point of no return.

"I'm going to war tomorrow." he told her one evening as he poured himself some sake. "...Good for you. Finally, more entertaining for the most powerful man on Earth...Or something. Bring me a souvenir when you return, I guess." the girl merely shrugged her shoulders as she took the tea pot and poured herself some tea, not bothering with any reaction. "You're not worried for me, are you? What if I die tomorrow? Will you weep for me?" he leaned forward, taking her chin between his fingers. " 'Course not. You're the one who keeps boasting about how you're the most powerful man on Earth and The God of War or something. Besides - If you die, I will just steal all your money and get the hell out of this place, so I can finally see the world through my very eyes, not through inked letters on paper. I want to be free and fly. Life here is boring. I've had enough years of being home stuck, don't you think?" she snapped at him as she snatched the now empty sake up and poured herself some alcohol. "And what if I promise to take you out to see the world when I return?" he smirked at her, watching her ears perk up a bit at the proposition. "...I don't believe you." she looked away before she could reveal any real emotion in her eyes. "I promise. But you also have to promise to relax around me. You're always on the edge, even if you've been here for a whole year. I saw you play in the winter, jump to collect autumn leaves taken by the wind, pick up fruit after climbing up the trees, and make flower crowns in spring. I saw you get buried completely in snow, only one of your tails being seen, I saw you make fruit wine in autumn, send paper lanterns into the sky and bathe in the lotus ponds. We're not strangers anymore, and I've never hurt you even once. So, do we have a deal?" his hunter-like eyes carefully watched her every reaction, noticing how her bottom lip quivered ever so slightly, before biting into it softly - She was nervous, that much was obvious - And Sukuna was now a pro at reading her behaviour. "...I'll try. But if you go back on your promise...I promise you, you won't wake up the next morning." she scoffed, threatening him, but it only ended up making him laugh. "The little kitten has claws, how adorable. That's fair, I'll let you have that." the man chuckled at her, petting her hair just between her ears, making her close her eyes and blush just a tiny bit. He was finally able to reach her - Not by much, but even this much was enough for him...For now.

For a whole month, Kitsune was all alone in the palace - Or so she felt, despite the numerous harem girls and the servants - All who had to obey her every order - But she refused any of that. If she wanted to eat, she would make food for herself. If she wanted to drink, she'd get some herself. If she wanted to bathe, she would prepare the bath herself - Just as she's always done. However, all this time, she was never in need of company. She couldn't handle people, nor their fakeness and many other useless emotions that would only make them vulnerable and susceptible of being used and taken for granted.

She's been through that numerous times while living with her family, and she wasn't about to let that happen again.

Thankfully, Kitsune never felt lonely, nor bored - However, she realised that she actually enjoyed Sukuna's annoying presence, and somehow, she found herself awaiting his coming back sooner.

"Master came back, vacation's over. Take care, everyone...I heard he's been injured. Can you believe it? Never thought demons can bleed." the many rumours circulated around the palace, but the fox girl only snapped at the gossipers, glaring at them to shut up. But she didn't go to greet him, like everyone else did. Instead, she waited until night to go to his room, and she found him on the ground, calmly drinking some sake.

"Ah, look at this, a little fox found its way in my humble abode. What ever could you be doing here, I wonder?" he chuckled teasingly, as she only looked down at him, giving him a slight head tilt, yet no expression on her blank face. "Are you wounded?" she muttered in a low voice, almost half-wanting not to have been heard...But she was. "Ha! So you heard those rumours too, haven't you? How ridiculous! Me? Ryomen Sukuna, the God of War, getting injured? Preposterous!" his bark-like laugh echoed through the place, but it didn't move the girl in any way. Instead, slowly crouched next to him, snatching down the already loose kimono top from his torso, letting it fall down to his chest, as her delicate fingers traced his chest, arm and back, analysing each and every fresh wound and scar alike. "I thought you could heal. Cursed energy magic or something. What you did to me when I passed out. Stupid liar. All you know how to do is to boast to everyone, but you can't even admit that you are still capable of making mistakes sometimes." her voice was obviously pissed off, but not enough to sock him in the jaw again. "Anti-regeneration magic. I didn't know something like that existed. Gimme a break." he scoffed, looking away in mild embarrassment. "Lucky you. Now don't move, or you'll really piss me off." she sneered at him as she made blue fire light up her palms and focused on healing him. It was then that she realised how good it felt to feel someone's bare skin, to feel his muscles, sore from fighting so much. He was finally beginning to look more like a man - A warrior - Not like some obnoxious, bratty, entitled casa nova. "I didn't know you could heal people. It tickles." he smirked slightly, turning his head to watch her focused face. "You don't know many things about me, Sukuna. Don't even bother trying, you'll never be able to, anyway." she scowled at him, but this time, it wasn't as aggressive as usual. "I've always loved a challenge, sugar." he chuckled boastfully, only for her to frown and look at him. "Is that all I am for you? A challenge?" she asked in a softer voice, sounding almost disappointed. "Not anymore. You've always been an enigma for me. You were fun, that's why I kept you around. If you weren't, I'd have killed you. I have no regrets about killing anyone, reason or not. But you got under my skin. I don't want to unveil the enigma behind you anymore. I just want to know you." carefully, his hands found their way on her hips, just before pulling her on his lap, only for her to stiffen up completely, her hands quickly taken off of his skin, as she quickly snapped her head away from him, her face covered by the long hair that resembled the blood he spilled on the battlefield. "Aww, are you shy, cutie~?" his seductive voice was back again, one of his hands reaching up to cup her face - But she couldn't bring herself to speak - Instead, she just gulped and jumped away from him, taking a few deep breaths before getting out of the room, and climbing up to the roof, hugging her legs to her chest, leaning her chin on her knees, her bottom lip bitten into to the point of drawing blood.

What the hell was she thinking, letting herself getting touched like that? By someone like Sukuna, nonetheless, who, if given the chance, would have his way with her, then toss her aside like he did with all the other women in his enormous harem. Her heart was beating so hard, so fast against her chest. It was a foreign feeling that scared her so much that for a long while, she couldn't help but avoid him once again, going out of her way to only leave her room when she was sure he wasn't there. It didn't always work out as she wished, but she still tried nonetheless, as succeeded for most of the time.

"Are you scared of me?" Sukuna asked the girl one night, when he found her softly shedding tears up on the roof. "...No." she offered a monotone answer. "Then why are you avoiding me again? Do you hate me?" he asked again, only for her to hang her head and hug herself. "I realised that I shouldn't be alive. All my life I've known only two emotions - Hatred and Rage - All of them masked by a facade of complete neutrality, passiveness and uncaring. But, now...I can feel my heart beating. And it hurts. I was so ready to throw away my life, and I knew I would have no regrets. I lived for nothing. I have no memories of anything good happening in my life. I thought that...I thought that maybe...I would be able to feel, staying here, with you. I wanted to feel something good, for once. What was that called...Happiness? Love? I wanted to feel those too. I guess it's too much to ask from this cruel life. The second you touched me, I started panicking and I got scared. I was afraid. Not of you, but of the idea of possibly getting hurt. I don't know how to feel, and I don't think I'll ever be able to be a proper being...But maybe...Someday...I will be able to look up at the same sky, at this very same moon, and the very same stars...And smile...And my chest won't be hurting anymore. And I won't be afraid anymore. Maybe, in the next life...Or the one after that...I will be lucky. Maybe times will change, and people won't be so cruel anymore. I'm sorry, Sukuna. I didn't end up being who and what you thought I'd be. I will forever be a disappointment to everyone I meet." she wasn't sure if her words were directed to anyone at all, or if she just found the courage to speak for the first time in her life - To acknowledge the existence of feelings altogether - But Sukuna understood her. Except for the thrill of the kill and fleeting quenched lust, he didn't feel any relief. Just like her, anger and hatred, for the entirety of his life. How different and similar the two of them really were, he realised, as he went to hug her from behind, resting his chin on top of her head. "You have never disappointed me, Kitsune. You cannot disappoint me. I understand what you're feeling. It's a cruel world, and we are much crueler to everyone around us, including ourselves. If you ever think you have it in your heart to accept me, I will be waiting. Forever, if needed. And if not, I will be awaiting in the next life. Or in the next one. I won't give up on you." and saying that, he planted a kiss on her temple before leaving her alone to watch the same silver moon they've been looking up at for so long. "...Thank you." she spoke to herself after who knows how long.

And she smiled.

Every day passing, she would look at the pink haired warrior, and every day, she'd want to throw herself in his arms, but every time, she'd start shaking, and she'd turn around and leave the place. This whole ordeal continued for well over three months, until one day, the palace was attacked with burning arrows, and the whole place was lit aflame.

In the mayhem in cause, the fox girl made sure to gather all the civilians in the huge estate and lead them to safety, and by the time she was done, she rushed to search for Sukuna, the person the enemies wanted to bring down, once and for all. However, by the time she found him, the whole place was ablaze, the once blooming garden was now turned into ashes, and the Demon God of War was heavily bleeding, slouched and leaning his back against a wall.

Opposite of him, many meters away, a menacing looking enemy who had spears in his hands was ready to throw them at him...And Sukuna merely smirked, defeated, and closed his eyes, awaiting for the impact of his ultimate death.

"Sukuna...Keep your eyes closed." Kitsune's low, shaking voice called out to him, but instead of doing as he was told, his eyes snapped open, only to widen in terror seeing the girl he grew to love, impaled by numerous spears, acting as a shield for him. "K...Kitsu...Ne...?!" he managed to usher after getting over his shock. "I told you...To keep you eyes closed...Idiot." she shook her head as she curled her fingers on the wall, taking a few deep breaths, despite her legs shaking. "Idiot. Idiot. You are such an idiot." "No...You...You were supposed to run away...I told you to run away...I told you...To...Live..." his voice was desperate, trembling, not believing what he was seeing before his very eyes. "Not without you...We were supposed to...Go...together...And be happy...And look at the moon...And stars...Together..." but as she said that, she heard the air getting split by yet another set of spears that go through her tails and torso, making her lose strength and fall over the man she was shielding. With her last strength, she punched back the spears out of her body and crawled on his lap, cradling his body, wrapping it up protectively with her tails, holding tightly onto him. "I never learnt how to fight...I never had anything to protect...Until I found you. I have no regrets dying, if you live. Close your eyes, Sukuna. I...I love you." and just before all strength left her body, she cupped his face and stole a weak kiss.

She was happy. She finally found her courage to act as she wished - With her heart, not with her fears. She was finally able to expel all the bad things possessing her. She died, and yet, she was finally smiling. She regretted nothing.

She was really happy.

"...Look there, Kitsune. Look at the moon. And the stars. And we are together. In this life. And the next one...And the one after...I will find you. And I will protect you. Don't be afraid anymore...Nothing will hurt you again. Until then...Sleep well, my Princess...Wait for me...Very soon."

---------

"Don't worry, Yuji! We will find all the victims of this place and rescue them! You'll see!" the cheerful nine-tailed girl wagged her fluff left and right as she dragged her best friend to the ominous place, as their other two team mates followed soon after, both having different reactions, as usual.

As her shikigami fox and Megumi's white wolf were assigned to make sure no cursed spirit would sneak up on them, they tried to make heads or tails of the distorted reality inside the place - They knew they may be dealing with a Special-Grade monster, but to have power of such magnitude seemed...Unreal...And unsettling.

"Guys, calm down. This is the Innate Domain...Cursed energy made this foul play...But I've never seen anything like...This. We have to move fast, and not split up, or we'll get picked one by one." Kitsune gritted her teeth, feeling the fur on her tails stand up. "Where's the door?!" Megumi yelled, turning around, only for everyone to gasp, realising the way they got through completely disappeared. "Th-The door's gone?!" Yuji blinked, incredulous at what he was witnessing. "How?! We just came in through here, didn't we?!" Nobara freaked out, only to make a short, brain dead dance with Yuji. "Calm down. The dog remembers the scent of the entrance." saying that, the two fawned over the two canines as they let them lead the way, only to find three mangled corpses, one of them having a name tag - It was the name of the child of the desperate woman outside of the place, pleading to the police to rescue him.

However, a fight erupted between the two boys who couldn't decide whether they should run away or rescue the corpses, as closure for the woman outside, at least, and while Nobara yelled at them, trying to make them stop...She...Disappeared?! Through a makeshift hole in the floor that wasn't there before.

"B-But...Megumi's demon dog and my fox should have been able to sense the curse...!" Kitsune then quickly turned around, only to gasp, noticing the bloody corpses of the said shikigami protruding from the walls. "NO! CYNDER!" she whimpered, hating to see her lovely companion in such a state. "ITADORI! KITSUNE! WE HAVE TO RUN! WE'LL LOOK FOR KUJISAKI AND -" but before he could finish speaking, Kitsune's whimper, that grew louder, along with the presence of the demon she was pointing at, staring straight at her...Made both boys stop in their tracks, wide eyed and shocked...And very much afraid.

The trio was sweating bullets, trying to move, trying to get the hell away from there - But Yuji moved first, taking out his knife, slashing at the Special-Grade....Only for his hand to go flying far away...From the impact.

"Megumi, run away! Go find Nobara, I'll stay here and create a diversion! Give us a signal when you're out of here! Yuji can get Sukuna and save us!" the fox girl yelled at her brunet friend desperately as she pushed him away, but a mouth on Yuji's cheek, speaking very derogatory, pointed out he doesn't give a fuck about Yuji's body, and that he won't die, even if his vessel does. "Nope~! Even if parts of me inside you die, I've still got 18 other fragments of my soul! Still, irritatingly enough, I don't have control of this body, so go away and switch, if you want! But once you do...I'll kill that brat before the cursed spirit can! Then, I'll go for that woman. She's a lively one. I'll have fuck with her. And then...I'll claim this cute fox girl that you care so much for!" Sukuna kept talking, and it was creating a state of panic in Yuji's heart. "Don't listen to him, Yuji! I know you won't let him take over you completely! You can't hurt us!" Kitsune yelled at her friend, trying to snap him out of the trance Sukuna put him in. "No, no, no, darling, you're wrong. If he's too focused on me, his friends WILL die~!" the demon kept laughing at his vessel, until the Special Grade unleashed a full blast of pure, cursed energy. "Yuji, look out!" she jumped at him, getting him out of the blast's range. "Stop listening to him, and take care of yourself! This isn't Jujutsu, this is pure cursed energy! We have to buy Megumi and Nobara enough time to get the hell out of here! Look at this jerk, he's having fun. I'm sure we can figure something out." the fox girl gritted her teeth in anger, but before either of them could try to attack or dodge - In the blink of an eye, really - She felt herself getting picked up and slammed on the wall before her by yet another blast of cursed energy - Followed by another, that flew her on the bridge in the next room, rendering her barely conscious. "KITSUNE! KITSUNEEEE!" she heard her pink haired friend's desperate wail as he tried to shake her awake. "...Sukuna...?" she asked, her shaking hands trying to rub away the tiredness from her eyes, as she looked up at him with gleaming, half-lidded eyes.

Before he could answer, shocked that she would call him by his demon's name, and even more, his own demon shocked, hearing her say something like that, she managed to cling onto the boy enough to get herself back on her feet, turning towards the attacker, her big, fluffy tails opening like a protective fan for the boy, as she created a blast of blue spirit fire to try to counter the cursed energy blast from the enemy. It made her growl from the pain, but her mind was blank - She had no regrets - No matter what life she was living, she will only get stronger and stronger, until she succeeds and protects the ones dear to her.

But not in this lifetime.

She wasn't strong enough yet. She was nowhere near her mentor, Satoru, in power. She had no way to compete with him, nor could she protect her friends when needed.

How pathethic.

It was her last thought before the cursed energy took over her, burning away some of her skin and creating even more damage after getting slammed and breaking yet another wall. With the last bit of consciousness she was able to hold onto, she saw her pink haired friend still alive and well - By some standards, at least - And she could merely smile and fight back the darkness threatening to take over.

But...Something happened, for the boy now seemed fearless - And he even taunted with the special-grade...And then he healed his own arm, before going to her, looking down at her, shaking his head. The markings on his face...This wasn't Yuji. This was...

"Idiot." a much darker, more masculine voice came from the body of the teenage vessel as he crouched down to the girl. "You never change, no matter what life you reincarnate into, do you? But that's the charm about you, stupid fox. You never really lose your memories of the past, do you?" he gently caressed her face, feeling his heart beating a bit faster as he noticed she was smiling and leaning into his touch. "You said you'll find me...So what is there to fear?" she mused weakly, before she got picked up bridal style, allowing her to cuddle into his chest, finally allowed to rest at ease. "Let's teach this weakling a lesson and get the hell out of here. The moon is up." Sukuna chuckled as he walked up to the demon, effortlessly punching in the head, slamming it into the bridge, only to smash his foot into its head, breaking the bridge altogether. As they fell, the monster grabbed his leg, but the fox-fire burn on his hand was enough to get his to shriek in pain and let go, as Sukuna jumped on one of the falling rubbles, taunting and laughing condescendingly, as he ripped apart the monster limb from limb before impaling it into a wall, as soon as they reached the watery ground. "Honestly, I'm jealous. I could never get to your power with jujutsu alone. Satoru said this thing is 80% born talent. How disheartening." she grumbled, feeling better already. "There's nothing cursed in your heart, sugar. Let the killing to me. I promised I'll protect you, I'm not going back on my word. I'm not going to see you die again." he threw her up a bit to get a better hold on her. "Hang onto me, foxy. Let's show this sucker how we do things." seeing his infamous smirk on his face, she threw her arms around his neck, holding on tightly, seeing as he did a hand seal, calling out his Malevolent Shrine...And they were back home, dressed the same as they were so long ago...A thousand years ago...And the monster got split in 5 slices, before Sukuna dug out another one of his soul-fingers, and he started grinning even laughing even darker, realising that Yuji couldn't switch bodies again, which made villain jump out of the facility, right on top of it. "I guess...No matter what life we live, the sky is going to be forever beautiful." Kitsune sighed as soon as he let her down, but she didn't let go of him. Not this time. Fears won't take over her life anymore. "And yours is even more eternal than the moon's or the stars." he cupped her face, taking in her beauty for the first time in over a thousand years. "It's been to long. I made you wait far too long. I hope you didn't miss me too much." one of his hands found its fingers raking through her hair, and she closed her eyes a bit, taking in the warm, loving feeling that completely took over her. "I'll forgive you. You did take your bloody time...But at least you're here now. And you're not going anywhere. I won't let you." her hands slid down to the neck of his blouse, pulling him to her level, which only made him smirk smugly. "Good. That was my intention." his charming, dark voice spoke, making her heart beating faster, and feeling the hair on the back of her neck and the fluff on her tails stand up from excitement. "Won't it be weird? Being Yuji's body...?" she asked shyly, as he only chuckled, pulling the same Malevolent Shrine trick, so they finally looked as they did when they first met. "Better, sweet cheeks?" he pulled her flushed to his body, as she got on her tippy toes to get closer to his face. "Spectacular."

As the fox girl couldn't stop touching his face, raking her fingers through his hair, feeling his body closer to hers as her whole body felt hotter than ever before - It was just a kiss - His lips so sweet against her own, his arms, so strong, holding her, feeling her, loving her.

It was only them, under the gentle light of the silver moon, guarding them, as the stars softly twinkled, embellishing gold into the dark sky - Just like this love light up the darkness in their hearts.

Her tails wrapped around him instinctively, as they pulled apart, and looked each other in the eyes for the first time since they've known each other. Her eyes were sparkling with happiness, her lips were curled into a kitten-like smile, and she was glowing - It made Sukuna's heart have a pleasant arrhythmia as he saw in front of his very eyes a sight that he's been dreaming about for over a millennium - The woman that captured his heart - Happy, in his own arms, safe, and very kissable.

This feeling and image were worth waiting a thousand years.

#jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen imagine #ryomen sukuna #ryomen sukuna x reader #ryomen sukuna imagine #sukuna #sukuna x reader #sukuna imagine #yuji itadori #kugisaki nobara #megumi fushiguro #gojo satoru #kitsune #kitsune reader #fox #feudal japan

[chipper9906]

Trip Down Memory Lane

Pairing: Castiel/Dean Winchester

Rating: General Audiences

Word Count: 8376

WARNINGS: Violence, Brief Mentions of Blood

Status: Oneshot- Complete

Summary/Preview: Castiel wasnt sure if he had even wanted to see what Dean's dream life would be. He could guess, of course. Such guesses usually consisted of Dean and Sam out on the road, stuck in a constant loop of driving, investigating, and ganking the monster they'd been tracking. It was what Dean was good at, and it was clear it made him happy.

He had never expected to see Dean living the dream domestic life, white picket fence and all.

And he never, ever, in a million years, expected he'd be a part of it.

* * *

When Dean is poisoned by a Djinn during a hunt, Castiel and Sam are tasked with entering Dean's mind and searching through until they find the dream world the Djinn had placed Dean in.This task requires them to search through some of Dean's memories, and Castiel see's something he never could have expected...

Castiel had been alive for billions of years. In that span of time, he had created countless memories of his time as an Angel, a never-ending storage of moments in his existence. His time with the Winchester brothers is an insignificant amount of time compared to the rest of his life, and yet, he can barely remember a time where the two didn’t need his help in some way or another.

Which was exactly what was happening right now.

"Cas? I-I-I need your help" The youngest brother's voice echoed around his head, the shaky manner in his voice freezing Cas in his movements. "It's... It’s Dean. He's in trouble"

Castiel was by Sam's side before he had even finished the prayer.

"What happened?" Castiel asks the second he lands, startling Sam from his crouched position on the floor.

Castiel senses the dead body off to the side, and for a moment his heart seems to stutter in his chest, thinking that it may have been Dean. To his relief, this proves not to be the case, recognizing the slowly fading magical traces of a Djinn in the room.

"There were two," Sam tells him. "We thought we were only hunting one. The second took us by surprise after we killed the first and had us tied up. I managed to get free and took care of it, but Dean..."

It's then that Castiel sees the body laying on the floor that Sam had been crouched by.

"They got him, Cas. Poisoned him. Dean, he's... This has happened before and he figured it out. Got himself out, I mean. But... He's taking a while this time. I don't know if-"

"If he'll wake up," Castiel finishes grimly, crouching down to Dean's side and placing a hand on the elder Winchester's head. "He's weak. Do you have any idea how long the Djinn has been feeding off of him?"

"I have no idea," Sam answers. "I’d been out of it for a while. I don't know if they wanted to take their time feeding or just...Finish in one feeding."

"I'm inclined to believe it was the latter."

"Can you... Can you heal him?" Sam asks desperately.

"No," Castiel answers somberly, his answer deflating Sam's hope. "But... I might be able to help him out of his state."

"How?"

"I'm going to have to enter Dean's mind, to try and find the hallucinatory dream the Djinn has placed him in. With a little push from the outside... Hopefully, he'll find his own way out."

"You can do that?"

"Yes. But it might take some time, as I'll have to skim through his memories until I find his dream state. It'll be kept hidden away."

"Is there any way I can, you know... Go in there with you?"

Castiel looked slightly taken aback by the request, tilting his head to the side slightly and regarding the youngest brother with narrow eyes and furrowed brows.

"You want to go in there with me?" Castiel asks for clarification.

"Yeah, I do. So that... I don't know, maybe I can help pull him out of it? I just... I can't sit here and do nothing while Dean's trapped in his own mind."

"I can take you with me Sam, but... The experience might be painful. And I don't mean physically. There are some memories you might not want to see, and... I have no way of knowing what Dean's true 'desire' may be, and how that reflects in the dream world the Djinn has created for him."

"I don't care," Sam responds defiantly, "I have to help. I just have to."

"Okay," Castiel relents, giving Sam a respectful nod. "You may want to prepare yourself for this."

Castiel lifts a hand to place his fingers on Sam's forehead, then reaches out with his other hand to gently place it onto Dean's head.

It was as if someone had flicked a light switch. One second, they're kneeling by Dean on a dirty and damp warehouse floor. The next, they're bathed in blackness, with no clue as to where they were.

"Okay..." Sam breathes out uncertainly, spinning around to take in the emptiness around them. "So... How do we find Dean's dream?"

"With trial and error, unfortunately," Castiel tells him, also glancing around at their surroundings. Suddenly, Castiel places a hand outstretched in the air, holding it there for a moment and furrowing his face in concentration.

After a few seconds of nothing happening, Castiel clenches his fist, which begins to shake with the effort. A low rumbling fills the air, and for a moment, Sam expects for the blackness to close in around them, like a collapsing building.

It's not what happens, however. Instead, the blackness in front of them seems to shift in place, one solid color merging into a blurry moment, almost like a shimmer, moving in place and glinting at them from the darkness.

"Come," Castiel instructs Sam, already making his way over to the shimmer. Sam doesn't need to be told twice, obediently following Castiel.

They come to a stop in front of the shimmer, hesitancy coming from the both of them.

"Are you sure you're ready for this?" Castiel asks Sam once again.

"The more time we hesitate, the less time Dean has," Sam responds, swallowing nervously. "We have to do this."

Castiel nods at this, and then reaches out a hand to touch the shimmer in front of them.

Suddenly, they're both stood inside a cozy-looking hallway of a house, Castiel still with an arm outstretched, shimmer no longer to be seen.

"You think this could be it?" Sam asks Castiel, spinning around to take in their new surroundings.

Before Castiel can answer, a young boy goes speeding past them, not taking in their appearance in the slightest, rushing into a room down the hallway they were stood in with a delighted giggle.

"No. This isn't it." Castiel answers sadly, already preparing to summon the next shimmer.

Sam's about to ask him how he knows when a young blonde-haired woman walks out of the room the boy had come from, an exasperated yet fond look on her face as she chases the young boy down.

Sam's sharp intake of breath distracts Castiel from his task slightly momentarily, sympathizing with the pained look on his face.

"Mom?" Sam calls out, sounding unsure with himself as he watches her disappear into the room.

"She can't hear you," Castiel tells him apologetically. "No one will here. No one but the real Dean"

"Was that... A memory version of Dean?" Sam asks, referring to the little boy that had run past them moments before.

"Yes, it was. I think... I think this was the night that..."

"Get us out of here." Sam quickly demands, already knowing what Castiel was about to imply.

It's as Sam is forced to watch a much younger, much happier looking John Winchester round the corner and approach his family that Castiel manages to summon the next shimmer. It's the last thing he sees before everything blinks out of existence once more.

If he had known the next memory they would fall into, he wouldn't have left the last one quite so soon.

Burning. That was the first thing he noticed. The unbearable heat that surrounded them, no way of escaping from it. Everything was coated in a haze of red, and screams filled with agony echoed from every direction.

One stood out, however. A shrill, piercing scream, coming from right beside them. A woman was laid out on a table, bound down with metal chains that tore into her skin as she pulled against them, desperate to get away from the knife that sliced its way through her body.

Sam found it hard to believe this could be Dean's dream or his memories. Not when the bearer of the knife was Dean himself, cutting into the screaming woman with expert precision.

"Is this-?"

"Hell," Castiel answers for him, an unusually pale color appearing on the angels face. "This was Dean in hell."

Thunder booms from ahead, and the two of them look up the sound at the same time Dean does. The thunder fades away, and for a moment, it seems that nothing else would happen. Then, a ringing sound fills the air, and the screams get louder.

No, not louder. There were more screams.

The screams of countless demons being smited.

Flashes of bright white light appear outside the closed door to the torture room they were in, and all three remain frozen, listening intently as heavy footsteps make their way towards the door,

"This could be-"

Castiel doesn't have enough time to tell Sam what he thinks it is, as the door is flung open before he can finish his sentence.

Well, flung open isn't completely accurate. More, the entire door is blown off its hinges, the two of them ducking way from the shattered metal door whilst Dean remains stoic where he stands, knife still in hand.

Then, stood right in front of them, is Castiel.

"This is when I rescued him from Hell." Castiel finally finishes, watching his memory self stood in the doorway.

Memory Cas's eyes were alight with grace, the reddish light emitting from the room casting the shadows of his wings against the walls.

Memory Castiel strides towards Dean, and it's no surprise that Dean lashes out, striking Memory Cas across the chest with his knife. Of course, it doesn't phase him in the slightest, and Memory Cas flicks his wrist to send the blade flying across the room, regarding Dean with an almost amused expression,

"You have no need to fear me," Memory Cas declares. "I am not here to hurt you. I'm here to free you."

"Yeah?" Dean responds snarkily, a sneer on his face as he looks to Memory Cas. "Well, can't exactly say I believe you."

"Please don't fight this," Memory Castiel asks of him. "It is my mission to recover your soul and place it back in your body. You will need to find your brother, Samuel Winchester-"

"Sammy?" Dean asks, the harsh tone they had heard him speaking in since they had got here reverting to a much softer, innocent-sounding voice.

"Yes, Samuel Winchester." Memory Castiel repeats, sounding somewhat confused. "I will be in contact with you shortly after. Do you understand?"

Dean glances over to the knife that had been thrown across the room, seemingly debating something. Memory Castiel watches him patiently, waiting for his next words.

Dean slowly lifts his gaze back up to Memory Castiel’s. Their eyes meet and, seeing no dishonesty in the angel's eyes, Dean gives a small nod of his head. Memory Castiel gives him a small smile, the corner of his lips barely twitching upwards before he's reaching out a hand and placing it on Dean's shoulder.

"Sam," Castiel calls out, startling Sam from what he was witnessing, looking over to the real Castiel, who had summoned yet another shimmer. "We need to move on."

The next scene they find themselves in appears much calmer. At first, that is. They appear inside an old, beat-up looking wooden barn, it's walls and roof covered in different painted symbols. In the center of it were Dean and Bobby, leaned across a table that had been laid out with various hunting weapons.

"I... Don't recognize this hunt," Sam tells Castiel "Why is Dean on a hunt with Bobby and not me?"

"This wasn't a hunt," Castiel tells him, and Sam is slightly surprised by the tender smile on Castiels face as he looks around at the barn. "Not completely, anyway..."

"You sure you did the ritual right?" Dean asks Bobby, already getting fidgety. Bobby gives him a bitch face in response to this that rivals Sam's, and Dean looks away with a roll of his eyes. "Sorry... Touchy, touchy, huh?"

Mere seconds later, the barn erupts into a cacophony of noise and movement. Loud bangs emit from the roof of the barn, slowly making its way down to the end, the sheets of metal acting as the barn's roof being pushed up and down from the unknown force, adding to the overall noise. Dean and Bobby give each other anxious looks, both of them grabbing shotguns from the table and standing ready, guns aimed down at the barn doors.

"The hell is that?" Sam asks Castiel, looking fearfully between the banging roof and the closed doors.

"I didn't exactly have the most graceful of entrances," Castiel replies sheepishly. "I, uh... Might have missed on the landing..."

The doors to the barn are pushed open, an all too familiar trench coat clad figure making his way into the barn. The second the doors begin to open, the lights above them brighten and shatter, showering Castiel in sparks as he advances towards the two.

"Holy shit..." Sam mutters in awe

The sounds of gunshots fill the air as Bobby and Dean fire their shotguns, each hitting their marks. Memory Cas's trenchcoat is torn apart from the spray of the shells, yet he continues towards them like it wasn't even happening.

It was rare for Sam to see Dean when he was frightened, and this was one of those rare times. As he rightfully should, after watching Castiel take the brunt of those shots without a flinch.

"Who are you?" Dean asks Memory Cas, unconsciously backing away from the imposing figure.

"My name is Castiel," Memory Cas dutifully answers. "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition."

"Yeah?" Dean asks, the sarcasm in his tone eerily similar to the one he had in Hell. "Thanks for that"

Clearly not hearing the sarcasm in Dean's tone, Castiel nods in response to Dean's 'thanks', a slight smile on his face.

Dean charges forward, planting the knife into Cas's chest, clearly aiming to pierce Cas's heart. Sam startles slightly, not expecting for Dean to take action quite so soon.

Of course, Sam knows it won't do anything to Cas. After all, the real Cas was stood right next to him, alive and well. It was still shocking to see though, especially when Castiel looks down at the knife in his chest with the most amused expression he thinks he's ever seen from Cas.

"Not the best of introductions to Dean." Sam jokes to Castiel, watching Bobby attempt to knock Cas out with a crowbar, only to be knocked out himself with just the touch of Castiel’s fingers.

"Maybe but... I won't forget it." Castiel says with a fond smile, shaking his head and turning away from the scene in front of him. "We need to keep moving"

It doesn't take long for Castiel to find the next shimmer, checking over his shoulder that Sam was ready before grabbing hold, throwing the two of them into the next memory.

"Uh... Cas?" Sam calls out to Cas, the hair on the back of his neck standing upright the second they arrive in the new memory. "Where are we?"

"A place almost as bad as Hell," Castiel tells him, hating the familiar feeling that settled in his gut as he looks around at the forest that surrounded them. "This is Dean's time in Purgatory."

"Huh..." Sam breathes out, eyes shifting around their surroundings. "This is Purgatory? Dean, uh... Doesn't talk about it much."

"I don't blame him. This place, its...A place you wish you could forget."

"If this is Dean's memory, then... Where's Dean?" Sam asks, only able to see the endless stretch of trees in front of them, not a person nor monster in sight.

"On his way." Cas tells him, raising an arm to point at something in the distance.

Now that Cas had pointed it out, Sam realized they were near the edge of a river, just about able to hear the gentle rush of the river as it flows past them. And there, crouched by the side of the river, was Cas. A dirty, roughed up, bloody looking Cas, scrubbing away the dirt underneath his fingernails in the river, then trying to wash away the dirt that caked the unkempt beard growing on his face.

"Cas!"

Their attention is drawn away to the yell coming from within the forest, an equally dirty looking Dean erupting from the trees with the vampire, Benny, in tow.

"Dean?" Memory Cas seems to say mostly to himself, almost as if he was struggling to believe that he was really hearing Dean, that he had somehow managed to find him.

"Cas." Dean repeats again, elation clear on his face when it sinks in that he finally found Cas. He laughs openly in relief, not at all taking in the look of dread on Memory Cas's face as he approaches.

Dean still has a huge smile on his face as he yanks Cas towards him into a hug, slapping a hand against Cas's back.

"Damn, its good to see you!" Dean tells him, smile not leaving his face for a second as he raises a hand to brush across the hair growing on Castiels face. "Nice beach fuzz."

"Thank you."

"You should meet somebody," Dean quickly continues, realizing that Castiel had no idea who the person lingering nearby was. "This is Benny. Benny, this is Cas."

"Hola," Benny says in greeting

"How did you find me?" Castiel asks, not in the mood for introductions

"The bloody way," Dean replies, and Castiel needs no further explanation. "You feeling okay?"

"You mean-?" Castiel begins as he raises a finger to his head and making a circle.

"Yeah, if you want to be on the nose about it, sure."

"No. I'm perfectly sane. But, then, ninety-four percent of psychotics think they're perfectly sane, so I guess we'd have to ask ourselves, 'what is sane?'" 

Sam can't help but snort slightly at Cas's response.

"That's a good question," Dean says, looking slightly befuddled by the answer he got.

"Why'd you bail on Dean?" Benny questions, knowing full well that Dean wasn't going to ask himself.

"Dude-" Dean reprimands him, proving Benny right.

"The way I hear it-" Benny continues ignoring Dean. "-You two hit monster land, and hot wings here took off. I figure he owes you some backstory."

"Look, we were surrounded, okay? Some freak jumped Cas. Obviously, he kicked its ass, right?" Dean immediately jumps to Castiels defense.

"No."

Sam hadn't even been there at that time, can't even begin to imagine all the shit Dean had to go through just to get to Cas, and even then, hearing Castiels dejected, ashamed answer pained Sam as much as he knew it had pained Dean.

"What?" Dean asks, hoping he had heard Cas wrong.

"I ran away." Cas admits to him, keeping his eyes on the ground, too ashamed to meet Dean's gaze.

"You ran away?"

"I had to-"

"That's your excuse for leaving me with those gorilla-wolves?"

"Dean-"

"You bailed out and, what, went camping?" Dean interrupts with a demanding tone, nothing but disbelief etched onto his face. "I prayed to you, Cas. Every night."

"I know..."

Now, looking at the real Cas stood next to him, Sam could see the same agonized look of shame that was reflected on Memory Cas's face.

"You know and you didn't...." Dean trails off, and it hurts Sam to see the betrayal on Dean's face. "What the hell’s wrong with you?"

"I am an angel in a land of abominations. There have been things hunting me from the moment we arrived." Castiel attempts to explain himself

"Join the club!" Dean shouts in agitation

"These are not just monsters, Dean. They're Leviathan! I have a price on my head, and I've been trying to stay one step ahead of them, to-" Castiel suddenly stops in his rant, pausing briefly to swallow nervously before he continues. "-To keep them away from you"

Just like that, the rage that had been growing on Dean’s face slips away, softening into a look of realization.

"That's why I ran. Just... leave me, please."

"Sounds like a plan. Let's roll." Benny agrees, sounding happy to leave Cas as soon as possible.

"Hold on, hold on," Dean stops him, looking over to Cas, pleading. "Cas, we're getting out of here. We're going home."

"Dean, I can't-"

"You can. Benny, tell him." Dean says, looking to Benny behind him.

Benny doesn't look all too happy about where this was going, but complies anyway.

"Purgatory has an escape hatch, but I got no idea if it's angel-friendly."

"We'll figure it out," Dean insists, returning his pleading gaze back to Cas in front of him. "Cas, buddy, I need you"

"This isn't it," Real Castiel interrupts, hand already outstretched towards the next shimmer, choosing to look down at the ground in front of Sam, rather than re-live the memory in front of him. "The next ones ready."

This time, he doesn't bother to ask Sam if he's ready, wanting to get out of there as soon as possible. There's nothing Sam can say in response before the memory, and the forests of purgatory, disappears around them.

For a split second, Sam is comforted by the fact that they were now back on Earth. It doesn't last long, as he takes in the dreary, dark room they found themselves in, Memory Dean and Castiel stood in the center of the room, Dean holding what looks almost like a block of cement in his hands

"Oh no..." Castiel mutters in horror, having been dropped into a memory that was somehow even worse than the last.

Sam, meanwhile, was left feeling quite frustrated, constantly being placed into memories he is unable to recognize, at the same time feeling guilty for watching said memories, that he has no right to see.

"I can resupply the prophet, Dean." Memory Castiel insists, stepping closer to Dean.

"You know, why don't, uh, why don't Sam and I take it over to him, and you can get back to your mission?" Dean retaliates, looking slightly nervous at the way Memory Castiel advanced towards him. "Finding the other half of the Demon Tablet. That is priority, isn't it?"

"I can't let you take that, Dean." Castiel informs him sharply

"Can't, or won't?"

"Both."

"What the hell is happening?" Sam asks, the tension in the room starting to make him feel nervous.

"One of my biggest regrets." Castiel answers bitterly, struggling to find the next shimmer to get them the hell out of there.

"How did you get out of Purgatory, Cas?" Memory Dean asks, holding the block closer to himself.

An odd sort of look crosses Memory Cas's face at the question, looking but not seeing at Dean.

"Just tell me how you got out of Purgatory-" Dean continues when Castiel doesn't answer. "-Be honest with me, for the first time since you've been back-" Dean continues, breaking eye contact with Cas to nod down at the block in his hands. "-And this is yours."

Sam wasn't too sure what he had been expecting to see next. More silence from Castiel? Some sort of bleak response?

Either way, the sight of the angel blade sliding out of Memory Cas's sleeve and into his hand is enough for Sam's heart to jump into his throat.

"Cas. Cas, I don't know what the hell is wrong with you, but if you're in there and you can hear me, you don't have to do this." Dean begs, eyes drawn to the blade in Memory Cas's hand.

His pleas go unheard by Memory Cas, who launches forward to strike down at Dean with the blade. Out of reflex, Dean shields himself with the block in his hands, and the clang of metal against the stone echoes in the thunder from outside.

"Cas!"

"Cas, the hell..." Sam mumbles in shock, watching the scene unfold in front of him in despair.

"Cas, fight this! This is not you! Fight it!" Dean yells in desperation, hoping to get through to Cas.

It doesn't work. Memory Cas attacks once again, bringing his blade down hard once more, only to be deflected by the block in Dean's hand.

It seemed almost as if the blow had affected Castiel more than Dean, who stumbled back away from Dean, a pained look crossing his face

"What have you done to me, Naomi?"

"Who's Naomi?!" Dean asks the same time as Sam, as Memory Castiel folds over on himself, panting in apparent exhaustion, fighting something that Dean and Sam can't see.

"It wasn't me..." The real Cas mutters mostly to himself, eyes scrunched closed, refusing to watch the horror he knows is about to occur.

Worried, Memory Dean cautiously approaches Memory Castiel, placing a hand on his shoulder. This proves to be a mistake, as Castiel immediately strikes Dean across the face at the touch, sending Dean sprawling backward.

Memory Castiel makes his way over to Dean, who was unsteadily getting to his feet. Dean tries to defend himself, throwing a punch towards Cas, who quite easily catches it. With a steady grip on Dean's forearm, Castiel twists it harshly, snapping the bone clean in half. Dean yelps out in pain and drops the stone, which shatters into pieces as it makes contact with the hard floor of the crypt.

"The angel tablet..." Sam realizes, not sure whether to look at the violence he was seeing, or the obviously distraught Castiel, who was still trying valiantly to find the next shimmer.

It pains Sam that there's nothing he can do. Nothing but watch as Castiel’s fist meets Dean's face again and again and again, fresh cuts and bruises appearing with every hit, skin being broken from the force of every punch.

"You want it?" Dean asks, noticing Memory Castiel’s attention had changed over to the Angel tablet next to him. "Take it! But you're gonna have to kill me first. Come on, you coward...Do it. Do it!"

Castiel’s attention is brought back to Dean, returning his fist to Dean's face once more.

"Cas... This isn't you. This isn't you." Dean's voice is broken, the intense pain beginning to overtake him. Castiel strikes again, face showing no sign of what he was doing.

"Cas...Cas..." Dean calls out Cas's name in a weak beg, shaky hand reaching out to the angel in front of him. "I know you're in there."

The limited light in the room glints off the angel blade that Memory Cas had raised above Dean, the sight of which made Sam want to look away, to pretend he had never seen what he was seeing.

"I know you can hear me, Cas," Dean's voice breaks slightly, whether from the pain or the emotion of it all, Sam doesn't know. "It's me. We're family... We need you..."

There's no emotion on Memory Cas's face as he looks down at the beaten Dean in front of him, blade hanging just above his head. A stark contrast to the pure agony on the real Castiels face.

"I need you."

"Enough," The Real Castiel declares just as Memory Cas's blade slips out of his hand, clanging against the floor. Sam tears his eyes away to see that Cas had finally found the next shimmer. "I can't..."

"It's okay," Sam comforts the pained looking angel, making his way over to his side. "Come on. Let's go find Dean"

The next place they find themselves in, it's... Well...

It's enough to raise their suspicions immediately.

They had been dropped right in the middle of a fairly ordinary-looking suburban neighbourhood. A beautiful day as far as the weather, deep blue sky with perfectly fluffy white clouds floating lazily past up ahead, no sign in the least of any rain to come.

In front of them stood a two-story house, it's wooden panels painted a light blue that blended nicely with the deeper blue backdrop of the sky. The house was placed in front of an obviously well looked after garden, neat lines mowed into the vibrant green lawn, with various flowers lined against the side, a single bee house tucked away in the corner of the lawn, a few bees buzzing around their man-made home.

And then, sat in the driveway of the home, was a car that Sam would never be able to mistake. The afternoon sun gleamed off the Impalas pristine black paint job, and laid out underneath her was Dean, sweating profusely as he worked on his baby.

"Cas... Do you remember this?" Sam asks, searching around for anything he might recognize.

"No..." Castiel answers, sounding as unsure as Sam did. "Do you?"

"Not one bit. Do you think this could be it?"

"Perhaps. Dean looks the same age he does now, so it seems unlikely that this is an event that occurred before we met... The only possibility I suppose is the time Dean spent while you were in Hell, but... This doesn't look like the house of Lisa Braeden... "

"We found it?" Sam dares to hope, relief clear in his voice.

"I think s-"

"Daddy!"

A young boy with a nest of light brown hair and crystal blue eyes rushes out of the front door of the house, running full sprint towards the Impala. Dean pushes himself out from under the Impala, a huge smile appearing on his face at the sound of the boy's voice.

"Hey, Kiddo," Dean greets him brightly, grunting as the wind is knocked out of him when the boy practically launches himself at Dean. "What'cha doing out here?"

"Can I help you?" The boy asks with puppy dog eyes that Sam swears he's seen before...

"With Baby?" Dean clarifies, looking over his shoulder to the Impala with a raised eyebrow. "Hmmm... I dunno... You think you can be careful with her? She's sensitive."

The boy giggles in delight at Dean's words, nodding his head vigorously in response.

"Come on, Dad..."

"This is... Definitely it..." Sam notes, an odd sort of feeling settling in his chest. "I... I never knew that...This is something that Dean wanted. I always thought..."

"I don't think he always wanted it..." Castiel says, watching Dean interact with his fake son, trying to figure out why seeing them almost seemed to hurt. "He got a taste for this kind of life with Lisa and Ben, and I don't think he's ever really been able to forget it..."

Then, what happens next, Castiel has no explanation or answers for.

"How did you get away when you're under such watchful eyes?" Dean asks his son, smiling at the mischievous giggle he gets in return.

"Because he takes after you just a bit too much."

Out from the open front door steps Castiel. No longer donning his suit and trench coat, now instead clothed in a comfortable pair of jeans and a simple button-down shirt, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed, watching the two with a tender smile.

Castiel wasn't sure if he had even wanted to see what Dean's dream life would be. He could guess, of course. Such guesses usually consisted of Dean and Sam out on the road, stuck in a constant loop of driving, investigating, and ganking the monster they'd been tracking. It was what Dean was good at, and it was clear it made him happy.

He had never expected to see Dean living the dream domestic life, white picket fence and all.

And he never, ever, in a million years, expected he'd be a part of it.

"You're just jealous he likes me more." Dean retaliates, mischievous grin matching the one on the child sat on his lap.

"Stop trying to make our son choose favorites." Cas reprimands jokingly as Dean stands from the floor, lifting the boy in his lap up by his armpits, getting another giggle from the action.

"Because we all know who it is..." Dean whispered, which made Fake Castiel roll his eyes.

"You nearly finished up out here?" Fake Castiel asks Dean, holding out his arms for their son.

"Yep, shouldn't take too long," Dean replies, passing the boy in his arms over to Castiel, who holds him close. "You want me to cook tonight?"

"I think I got it."

"Oh really? That's what you said the last time. You know, when you nearly burnt the house down?"

"I did not nearly burn the house down. The fire alarm did its job, I was alerted to the fire, and it was dealt with."

Dean gave a sarcastic hum in response, reaching for a rag placed in a nearby toolbox to wipe the oil off his hands.

"How about we bake your dad a pie?" Fake Castiel asked the boy in his arms, who squealed in delight at the prospect.

"I wanna make pie!"

"I think that's that, then." Fake Castiel directed towards Dean, smiling smugly in victory.

"You go call your Uncle Sammy from upstairs if you smell smoke," Dean instructs his son, pointing a fake stern finger at him as he speaks. "You got that, James?"

"Can Uncle Sammy help us too?" James asks, tilting his head back to look at Fake Castiel "Please...?"

"Of course he can." Fake Castiel assures him, planting a kiss on Dean's cheek before he makes his way back inside, James still held tight in his arms.

"Go rescue your uncle from all those books!" Dean calls out after them, chuckling lightly to himself as he turns back to continue work on his car.

"Wow..." Sam exclaimed quietly, feeling like he had become winded all of a sudden. "This is...Something..."

Noticing Castiel’s silence, Sam glances worriedly over to him. Castiel’s eyes were trained on Dean, watching him live his fake life with a look of sadness and regret.

"Cas?" Sam calls for him softly, not wanting to startle him. "You alright buddy?"

"I never knew..." Castiel mumbled, shaking his head slowly "I... I had no idea..."

"I get what you mean," Sam emphasized, able to see the shadows of Fake Castiel and his son move around the inside of the house. "I can't believe that in all of this, Dean included me."

"What?" Castiel asks sharply, snapping out of his trance to look at Sam incredulously. "Sam, you were the only person I was sure I would see in Dean's dream."

"Look, me and Dean, we...We don't always see eye to eye with certain things. We don't always tell each other everything there is to know, and this? This is one of those things. I mean, I don't exactly fit into this kind of life that Dean... Wants?"

"We don't have time to talk about this right now," Castiel breaks the brewing discussion, moving his gaze back over to Dean. "We need to get Dean out of here."

Deans hunting instincts are as keen as ever, lifting his head from under the Impalas hood the second he makes out their approaching footsteps, spinning around to see the newcomers, posture relaxing once he realizes who it is.

"Hey hon," Dean greets Castiel with a warm smile, eyes shifting from Castiel to Sam. "James managed to drag you away, huh?"

"Um...." Sam began awkwardly, looking to Castiel for help. "Not exactly..."

The happy smile on Deans face faltered slightly, a more bewildered look crossing his face once he studies Castiel closer.

"Didn't even realize you still had that thing," Dean noted, raising a hand briefly to point at the trenchcoat Castiel was wearing. "And how did you get changed so fast into it anyway?"

"Dean..." Castiel began gently, dreading what was to come.

"Wait, where's James?" Dean suddenly seemed to realize his son was not with them, looking panicked and worried by the realization. "Wasn't he with you?"

"Dean, I need you to listen to me," Castiel instructed sternly, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. "This is going to be difficult for you to hear, but you have to remember."

"Remember what?"

"Dean, none of this is real," Castiel decided the best approach was to 'rip the bandaid off', metaphorically speaking. "You and Sam were hunting a Djinn up in Washington. Something went wrong."

"There were two, not the one like we thought," Sam adds in, cautiously moving closer to his brother. "We had no idea. He snuck up on us after we dealt with the other. Do you... Do you remember that part?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You were captured, Dean. Both you and Sam. Sam managed to get away, but... The Djinn poisoned you, Dean. All of this, it isn't real. It's what your mind fabricated for you."

"Djinn," Dean breathes out in disbelief, glancing over to his house behind him, thinking over something in his mind before looking back to the two of them.

"What... What if it is real?" Dean stuttered out. "How do I know you're telling the truth?"

"I'm sorry," Castiel apologized genuinely, recognizing just how happy Dean had been in his dream world. "I really am, Dean."

"I hate what I'm about to say-" Sam interjects, forcing Dean to break eye contact with Castiel to look over at this younger brother. "-But think about it. When are we ever going to get to live this kind of life? C'mon Dean, escaping the hunters’ life, it... It just doesn't happen. Not for us."

"Dean, you're in a bad state. That Djinn drained you, and it might not be long before you fade completely, especially trapped here." Castiel informs him.

"But..." Dean tried to argue, unconsciously trying to move towards the house. "My... My son, I can't... I can't just leave him."

"You won't be leaving him." Castiel consoled Dean. "He was never there. Simply a vision created in your mind. You're not leaving anyone, Dean. The people who will miss you, those that are real? We're out there, Dean. If you don't get yourself out of this, it'll be us you're leaving."

Castiel could see the fight drain out of Dean, shoulders slumping, his whole posture shrinking down. Without another word, Dean slinks over to the back of the Impala, lifting up the boot.

"Dean, I-"

It's all Sam can get out before Dean pulls out his pistol from the back of the Impala, not an inch of hesitation as he lifts the gun to his head and pulling the trigger, throwing all three into a startling blackness with a loud bang.

Sam blearily opens his eyes, sluggishly turning his head to see Castiel slowly coming to himself, shaking his head in an attempt to shake out the remaining grogginess.

It felt as if they had been reliving the memories for hours, but from the looks of it, barely a minute had passed. The warehouse they had been in looked as dark and dreary as ever, and worst of all, Dean still laid unconscious on the floor.

"Dean?" Castiel calls out worriedly, sluggishly pushing himself onto his knees and leaning over Dean's form, placing a hand over his shoulder and giving him a light shake.

With dramatic timing only Dean could master, he shoots upwards with a gasp, startling Cas who quickly leans away to avoid being hit by Dean's sudden awakening.

"Oh, Thank Christ..." Sam mutters appreciatively, standing on shaky legs and stumbling over to Dean.

"You alright man?" Sam asks him as he holds out a hand to Dean.

"I've been better." Dean responds truthfully, spending a few seconds with his eyes closed, sat on the dirty floor as he waits for the spinning to stop before eventually grabbing onto Sam's hand, who yanks him up to his feet.

Castiel looks like he doesn't know what to say, and frankly, neither does Sam. Judging by the look on Dean's face, he'd much rather go with this never being mentioned for as long as he lived, but it was a discussion that was inevitable not to occur.

For now though, it wasn't what mattered.

"C'mon, bud," Sam says gently, slapping a hand on Dean's back. "Let's get you home."

* * *

Thankfully for Dean, Sam and Castiel were too busy being mother hens over his health the first few days to bring up what they had witnessed in the innermost hidden parts of his mind. A few days of bed rest were enough to get him back on his feet, and then, it became an avoiding game.

Any time he saw Castiel coming down the hallway or entering the room, he would simply do a one-eighty and escape the situation as soon as possible. He didn't even know if Cas was actually trying to speak to him about it, but Dean wasn't taking any chances. Not when it came to this.

Really, he should have known that trying to ghost an angel of the Lord wasn't going to work forever. Castiel had been respectful of his wishes the past few days, but clearly, something had snapped and he had had enough.

Which is why one early Thursday morning, as he snuck into the kitchen to brew a pot of coffee, relieved to see its only occupant was an exhausted-looking Sam, Castiel had teleported behind him, tapping his fingers against Dean's head the second he had jumped and turned, teleporting them both away before Dean can get a word in edgewise, leaving a poor, bewildered leaving Sam at the kitchen table.

Dean felt the usual sickening pull of the world around him which usually accompanied angel flight, then the ground came back into existence under his feet. Castiel didn't say a word once they landed, dropping his hand away and taking a few steps back, keeping his eyes locked on Dean at all times.

"Cas, where the hell-" Dean begins to ask, trailing off as he takes in the familiar building Cas had dropped them into. "Wait a minute, is this...?"

"Where we first met," Castiel clarifies, joining Dean in scanning the dilapidated barn. "The first time you remembered, anyway. At least, that's what I thought..."

"The first time I remembered? What are you talking about?"

Castiel sighed softly, wandering over to a table that had been pushed up against the wall, its wood rotting and weak from the torrential downpours of rain that had slipped through the panels of the barns room. Castiel gently traces a hand across its surface, pushing down firmly to check its weight before hoisting himself up and taking a seat.

"Do you know how a Djinn crafts its victim's fantasies?"

Dean immediately tenses up the question, while knowing that the conversation would eventually lead to this, was still not prepared for it.

"Not really."

"The Djinn mostly relies on its victim's memories in order to do so. It's essential that the victim believes in the dream that's been created for them, to keep them placated right up until their death. Using the victim's memories means that Djinn's poison can get every necessary detail correct. Without those memories, it's not possible."

"What are you getting at, Cas?"

"Getting you out of that world wasn't as simple as 'jumping right into your dream,'" Castiel explained, making quotation marks with his fingers as he speaks. "Sam and I had to delve through your memories in order to find you."

"Oh..."

"I had to try and find a common detail in your most active memories. That is, where there was the most activity in your brain."

"...Coz those memories are being used to make the dream, right?"

"Correct. I don’t know why it took me so long to figure out... Mostly because I... I never thought it was possible."

"Never thought what was possible?"

"The first memory was simple enough. A tragic night, yes, but that wasn't the focus of the memory. It was of a happy family, nothing more. The others though... I just didn't understand it. In all of them, you... You were in pain. You were hurt, or you were scared, I just couldn't grasp why they were the memories you chose."

"Cas, buddy, at the moment, you have a better understanding of my head than I do."

"No, I don't, Dean. If anything, I've never been more unsure. Each and every one of those memories, the link was right there, but I could never see it... Me."

"Cas..."

"Me, rescuing you from hell. A memory that, I thought had been lost to you. Me, introducing myself to you and Bobby, in this very barn. Me, running from you in purgatory. Me... Nearly beating you to an inch of your life. All of that, right there in front of me, and yet... I still did not anticipate that in your dream world, I would be there. Not just there, but..."

"Don’t say it..." Dean whispers, eyes clenched shut and shaking his head. "Please, don't..."

"You might be fine pretending this never happened Dean, but I'm not," Castiel snapped, pushing himself off the table and storming towards Dean. "I get that you're a secretive man, Dean. That you don't like talking about how you feel-"

"So then you know why-"

"Not for this. Never for this," Castiel disputed, deflecting Dean's attempt at an explanation. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why didn't I tell you?" Dean gawfed, throwing his hands up in the air in exasperation. "Gee, I don't know, Cas? Maybe because I couldn't come to terms with it myself? Maybe because if I told you such a fucking batshit thing, you might tuck tail and run, and I'd lose my closest friend?"

"I would never leave you," Castiel asserted, taking a step closer to Dean to drive home his statement. "You know I wouldn't. Not after all we've been through."

"What would I say, Cas?" Dean asks, words dripping with sarcasm. "'Oh, hey Cas! Just thought I'd let you know that things have been different lately, and I've been thinking of you as more than a friend. As in, I can't get you out of my damn mind, and there's jack-shit I can do about it, other than sit here and think about what it would be like if my life wasn't so fucked up. You know, the kind of vision where we're just two normal fucking people, living in a normal fucking house with a kid of our own, and that above all else, we're happy.' 

But no, why should I tell you that? Why should I bother, when I know that this is the life I live, and there's nothing I can do to change that! When I know that even in the damn slim chance that you see me as anything but a friend, that I could ever settle down into a life where-"

Dean isn't able to finish his rant, as Castiel interrupts it by grabbing a fistful of Dean's flannel shirt, twisting his hands into the soft material around the collar. Dean's words trailed off into a stutter, briefly wondering whether Castiel was about to strike him in an attempt to shut him up.

Which is, perhaps why, the reason his whole body freezes up when instead, Castiel yanks him closer, coming dangerously close to clashing their teeth together in his haste to feel Dean's lips against his own. His shocked gasp is muffled by Castiels mouth on his own, and his brain seems to have stuttered to a stop, unable to comprehend what had just happened.

Castiel’s lips move against his own, an invite to actually participate in the kiss he had initiated. The movement at least helps prove to his shell shocked brain that yes, this actually was happening and that he should probably do more than just act like a dead body in this situation.

Dean decides the best course of action was to shut down his brain for the moment. No more questions, no more doubts. It was just himself and Castiel, and that's all he had to focus on right now. It does the trick, as he feels himself sink into Castiel’s hold, every wound up muscle he didn't realize he had practically melting against Cas's touch.

A deafening clap of thunder rings from outside, accompanied by a bright flash of white lightning. It doesn't take long after that for them to hear raindrops hitting hard against the beaten-up metal roof of the barn, the torrential rain pouring through the gaps and doing quick work of soaking the two.

Dean pulls away from Castiel with a weak laugh, shaking his damp hair of the rain and glancing up to Castiel with a dopey smile.

"This you?" He asks Cas, pointing up to the storm that seemed to appear from nowhere.

"I thought it would add to the atmosphere." Castiel jokes with a deadpan expression, though it quickly breaks when Dean cracks up into laughter, shaking his head fondly before pulling Castiel closer to him, burrowing his face into Castiels shoulder and wrapping his arms tight around the angels back.

"Dean, you know I would love nothing more than to give you that life," Castiel tells him as he raises his own arms up to envelop Dean in a hug. "Even if I wasn't a part of it, I want to see you live your life without hunting, without all that fear and responsibilities."

"I don't think you're getting the main part of it, Cas. You said it yourself, my brain was relying on memories of you. It wouldn't be my dream life if you weren't in it, Cas."

"Dean, I... I might not be able to give you a home, or a son of your own. But... If this, if us is something you really want, then I will spend the rest of my life doing what I can to make you happy, Dean."

"I don't need all that stuff to make me happy Cas. The bunker is my home now, and as long as it’s got you and Sammy in it? I'm happy."

The rain continued to pour down on them, the flimsy roof of the barn proving next to no cover from the storm Castiel had created out of thin air. Dean pulled away from Castiel’s embrace slightly to peer up at the roof, wincing as the droplets of water fall into his eyes.

"Uh, Cas? We should probably be heading back now..."

"Right, of course, I almost forgot you can feel the cold..."

"That and, you know, Sams probably gonna think you tried to drown me in a lake once we get back..."

#destiel #destiel fanfic #destiel fanfiction #castiel/dean winchester

[snowydawn17]

I just had a really weird dream & im writing it here cuz twitter has a character limit

Warning for long text wall, I'm on mobile and can't put it under a cut sorry So things were normal at first, I think? Time kinda jumped around but basically it was a normal day turned apocalypse. Looking back on it it was like a weird parody of devil survivor 2. Anyways. So there were these..3...4 kids? Idk there looked like 4 in this one scene where they played dead and like, rolled into a fancy coffin (this replayed itself like twice? Idk) but in later scenes there was an emphasis on two (an older sister that I'd say was probably 17ish and a younger brother who was maybe 14? Idk low teens at the oldest) and there was some other people, like a lot of people, there were two groups I think aside from the kids? Anywho it went super RPG with random monsters around that were like, OHKO pretty much. There were some SUPER strong ones that if you saw you GTFOd your way out and prayed they didn't follow you. One was a giant squid. It was in a river next to like, the one small fish. One guy went back there a few times to catch the fish and a frog, which always managed to ambush him. The hunting sections were extremely video game like, there was a tutorial and targeting and stuff. It was weird. Also, people sucked at hunting. Like, really sucked. The one character I went POV for was myself, I guess? I don't remember who I was with but I was with three other people, when I was around. Anyways I was trying to keep my goldfish alive in an inflatable ball that kept getting air holes in it and deflating, taping the new holes was annoying. And then a tiger like, broke through the back door (said tiger was one of those oh FUCK GTFO enemies and I reached around it to grab this goldfish (I don't even own a goldfish IRL, priorities) and we somehow got it out? No one died, somehow. And then a lion squeezed in (not of the GTFO variety) and sat on the couch and everyone was freaking out but me? I was cool with this random ass lion just chilling, it was probably gonna kill me in my sleep but yknow. Whatevs man. I like, had an existential crisis in my dream for a brief second. What even. Anyways with the other group of adults, this one dude got separated from his girlfriend in the initial apocalypse happening stuff (which I'll get to in a bit, it's the most fuzzy rn) and I can't remember what he did but he somehow helped out whoever was sending in the monsters? And asked about getting let out of the lockdown - moreso getting his girlfriend out, or being able to get to her - and they laughed at him and said NO ONE gets out of the lockdown. And then my brain jumped back to me with my group and I somehow knew this dude and that convo and some lady asked about "the lists" of ppl who could leave and I said, like "he got it. Everyone's on it." "???" "Everyone's gonna die" (this is where the existential crisis happened) and I don't remember much about those two groups aside from that ANYWHO with the kids. There's supposed to be an adult with them from the weird "hide in a coffin" scene but I don't remember her outside of that so. Probs dead. Idk. Anyways in that scene there was the older sis, younger bro, a set of twins, and a baby. Idk where the twins and baby went. I thought "'no wait, there's a baby, the baby's gotta be here too" a few times, so like..I knew it was a dream but not really? Oh, and they were apparently psychic? The powers never really showed up aside from a mention of them not being able to gain superpowers one way cuz they were among the last of their kind (the adults were referred to as "Hiders". Lowkey feels like that's supposed to be a completely different show.) Anyways the brother and sister got separated, and the younger bro was running around with a group of friends that was pretty big actually? Idk my dreams don't give visuals on people a lot. Anyways a bunch happened to them but I mainly remember running into a random building and there was a pool? With a monster that looked kinda like a lapras? And it shot fire and we all almost died but a random older dude turned it into wood for a sec and that cancelled the magic? We kept running and the thing unfroze and I was positive we were gonna die but it didn't attack? And the dude said they're peaceful in the day, only attack at night. Then there was a series of tunnels, and this boy kept leaving hints for his sister (who's name is Jess, that feels right) and then they bunkered down and waited? Not sure but then one of Jess' friends and another dude and the dude from before I think? Were there and talking like they had been the entire time. It gets fuzzy but I think the friend killed the two dudes for some reason? Something about backstabbing before you get backstabbed. And then she died from something? Not sure, but there was magic bs going on. Jumping to Jess, she was doing some running around and other stuff but I mainly remember one scene where she goes to sleep and wakes up in a coffin surrounded by...sand? Idk it looked like sand. And there were other ppl but they were either passed out or dead so they don't matter. But there WAS this demon like guy Jess seemed to know? It sounded like they had talked before - she def knew who he was. Anyways he kept telling her to go back to sleep and she'd be fine, but something about what he said gave her the idea she could do something to help everyone and when she asked he (hesitantly) explained that, yes, she was in a place that controlled the big GTFO monsters, and she could prevent more from being unleashed, but she would die. They talked for a bit about options (Jess asking, he answering) while Jess fiddled with bottles strewn about in the sand she woke up in (she was mainly asking about what the bottles did, I think, and then she asked about getting up.) Naturally Jess gets up and searches and finds a series of levers (the first is R, though everyone keeps saying the monsters are named after Greek letters? Idk) and she pulls and bends the lever, preventing it from being used again, and my brain kinda skimmed over her shutting down the next few. And then Jess has an army of kids and teens running with her, disrupting the bad dude's plans, and she's shredding this orb thing to pieces and giving those pieces to the kids to further shred. Idk what this thing was but if they got all the pieces again they could put it back together and that'd be BAD. Also Jess managed to break everything except this one last event, which was a bomb raid? Which jumped over to the bros side, and why they ran into that building I think. Anyways, Jess keeps running, and I think she got captured? But my brain jumped to her in the tunnels her bro had left messages in, and she gets to their bunkered down position but he's not there (it's a weird mix of parallel dimensions and time travel, it made sense in dream) but she knows he's SUPPOSED to be there, they just can't see each other and so she leaves her own message. The first is a pic of her in a weird costume with some dude (this happened earlier in the dream, I guess, but I don't remember it?) but she's afraid he won't know what that means so she leaves another saying "it's me, ___, it's Jess" (don't remember the bros name) and these just kinda appear near the bro and he reads them and starts crying (I feel like *I* was crying But I was asleep, so) and he realizes she's gone. Not sure how those conveyed that but they did. The dream ended thereish, but over the course of writing all that I remembered some other stuff: So at first it looked like a city, but a main beginning scene I remember is a group of older folks (like, 60s at the youngest) running from this weird vehicle and if it ran you over you like, turned to mush and melted a hole in the ground. The back tires passed over your mush self and you and the hole were gone. Some people died from this, some people came back like a respawn. Those older ppl plus some others made up the two non-Jess and bro groups later. They kept referencing a married couple who died (last name started with a C I think?) who for some reason had been a major threat to whoever was running this? And another couple, who seemed to be the leaders, were a similar but weaker threat. I'm not sure how, but probably magic. At one point I ran into a building and got separated from my friends in the crowd, ran into the women's bathroom (for some reason the men and women bathrooms ended up connecting in the back) and I sat down against a wall with my phone and 3ds (accurate, sadly no goldfish :c ) and then my grandpa was there holding out a hand to me with a small smile. Nothing really came of that so...yeah. Anyways yeah, that's most of what I remember. There's some other details (I think hunting dude hunted with his brother? And they were part of my group? *shrugs*) but i can't remember them clearly so screw it. TL:DR don't let Snowy sleep, she gets REALLY FUCKIN WEIRD DREAMS

#why do my dreams always involve random monsters and death #ok that's a lie we all know why #weird dreams