#my brain wouldn't manage to make a whole ass drawing

[iroissleepdeprived]

This man stole my last braincell.

#btw this is just a character design #it's not an actual drawing #my brain wouldn't manage to make a whole ass drawing #this has no details I'm sorry but it's all I can do tonight #I'VE BEEN SUFFERING WITH THIS FOR MORE THAN FOUR HOURS #fuck anatomy I just wanted to see the if the colours fit him #aaaaghhhhh #hermes #digital art #character design #epic the musical

[powderblueblood]

You know what's just burrowed into my head? given how often poor Camilla was forced to say the word daddy on that show it made me picture lacy saying it to Eddie but in that I'm clearly making fun of you, I'm not into that stuff kind of way but he's our beloved pervy loserboy so of course he short circuits over it anyway. I hope she finds out just how much of a perv he can be now that they've done the do. I mean the whole thing with her pen in the very first chapter? and the shower scene when she had to stay over? I would love to know how she'd react

18+ MINORS DNI i accidentally went crazy on this? god bless you anon happy valentines day

l i t erally she is shoving eddie out the door of the newspaper room after a heavy makeout session where she's got him all wound up and whining on purpose, sing-songing something like, "c'mon, hurry up! everyone in the drama room is gonna be looking around that dungeon, wondering where-oh-where is daddy?"

and eddie just shoves himself between the jamb and the closing door (painfully, for a multitude of reasons) (reasons pertaining to his cock) and hits lacy with the prey animal stare.

"huh? come again?" you'd like that wouldn't you badum tsss etc

but lacy like, knows and like, eats it right up, the way she draws out every syllable with a dirty little mockery of a snarl.

"better run along now, da-a-addy."

eddie manages to wrangle her in for one last kiss, stomach all butterflies and dick all cardiac arrest, "i'm gonna get you for that," and lacy's squealing into his ear, "and your little kitty too! shit! evil!"

"first and last time you'll ever hear it, i guarantee you!" liar!

but, evil actually comes in the form of lacy lifting a pair of her panties from the glovebox of the van later that night.

"hello? have you been doing my laundry or what?"

eddie gets a laceful in the face as she flings them at him. immediate snow white blush on his cheeks, this guy, because he's still toeing the line of being a little bit of a pervert with her. testing the waters. though, she had perched in his lap and watched him jerk off the other day, after specifically asking to which naturally made him cum neatly under the runtime of zeppelin's dazed and confused.

i wanna see how you do it. how do you touch yourself when you're thinking about me?

and she'd been all sweet, tits out and skirt on, running her hand up his chest as he pumped his cock in his fist (he hadn't been allowed to touch her), telling him how pretty he was, how much she liked watching him make himself feel good. eyes never leaving him. studying him like SAT prep. not putting as much as a fingertip on herself, but squirming against his thigh.

this is about me, he realized, heart warming, dick throbbing. she wants to make it about me.

eddie had cum, and had possibly narrowly avoided a hemorrhage of the brain due to how fucking hot that was, and was soon springing to back to life in lacy's palm. she had that effect on him; just when he thought he was spent, boom, he is risen.

he needed a solid fifteen minutes to process the aftershocks after she rode him til both their eyes were streaming, lacy stroking his hair and pretending like she wasn't trembling as much as he was.

if that girl isn't careful. he swears to god. wedding bells. big 'uns.

but. anyway. panties. panties he had been actively using as a gag when he jerked off on the rare occasions she couldn't come meet him. sure. whatever.

"you must've left 'em here!" eddie shrugs (wide-eyed, beautiful, you know the vibes), tossing them back at her, to which lacy rolled her fanned-out mascara'd eyes.

"and walked around commando? when have you ever known me to do that, smartass?"

true. she liked making him take off her panties with his teeth too much, and he liked watching the way she slid them back on. that little jump she did that made her ass shake.

which could be a part of the whole stuffing them in his mouth thing. listen, he didn't have time to ruminate on it.

guilty as all hell, he shrugs again, slapping his hands on the wheel. but eddie's heart is like, hammering. was that a step too far? nabbing her panties out of her room the last time he'd snuck in there?

there's this silence in the van for a couple beats that he hates, even though lacy resumes looking for a tape in the glovebox she's probably never gonna find.

"you know," she goes, eyes downcast, "if you wanted to borrow a pair, you could've just asked."

a stutter in the air. she knows just how to make his record scratch.

"whassat now?" eddie leans in, gripping the steering wheel for dear life.

"you heard me," and her mercurial eyes flash at him, gaze drawing down his body in that way that makes him sure he knows what it's like to do heroin without ever having tried it.

"just, tell me if you ever wanna try 'em on," lacy smiles, and eddie smiles, and eddie also dies somewhat, "i wanna see how cute you look when you're hard in them."

and look, we haven't even begun to think about lacy's reaction the first time he jokingly calls her mommy.

#powder room talk #Anonymous #e. munson by powder #edlacy #hai brainrot #father john misty voice je ee e esus christ girl

[whataboutmyfries]

Spilled ink

oh my GOSH it has been a hot minute since I wrote these lovely boys!! so here I am, coming at you with small details for fictional kisses oknutzy style!!! headcanoned about this a while ago in the sw discord and it hasn't left my mind since so here we are! characters are by the wonderful @lumosinlove featuring art by my lovely friend @tobi-tobi-tobi who somehow manages to look into my brain with every single one of their pieces and this one was no different :)

enjoy!

~

1.Whispering ''kiss me'' to your lover

Right, so I’ve been thinking about LionFish reading and annotating a book together non stop :’) 

The two of them get cosy and comfy with their different coloured pens, smiling goofily at each other as they crack open the book, jumping into a brand new adventure together. 

If you were to go look at the book after they were done with it, there’s all these little signs of love over every inch of available space.

There’s wobbly tear spots that are outlined and doodled around where the words hit just a little bit too close to home 

Sticky notes over the typewriter ink where the feeling were too big for the page to hold

Leo draws little fishes swimming across the margins and it makes Finn a lovely-dovey mess; Every. Single. Time.

Naturally Lolo sees Finn scribbling in one of his precious books, gets curious, and decides to give this whole annotating thing a go.

One day Lolo just hands Finn a book with a scribbled note inside the cover saying 'hey, i read this and it made me think of you xx' and the first thing Finn notices is that the top right corner is like a centimetre or so thicker than the rest of the book from where Lolo's dog-eared all his favourite parts and Finn english major O Hara’s eye just twitches as he tries his best to not implode

He loves it. He cries. 

It’s this book of heartwrenching, delightfully emotional poetry about love and pining. And Logan’s scribbles about Harvard, and Finn, and finding him and Leo, and finding himself through them are so vulnerable and heartfelt that the only time Finn can read the book without sobbing his eyes out for hours is if he’s wrapped up in his Logan, head resting on Logan’s strong chest so he can lean up and whisper a hoarse “kiss me” when the memories are too big and too much to handle. 

It’s one of Finn’s most prized possessions. 

Leo annotating for Finn on the other hand…..

Picture if you will: What if Leo's current read is some historical fiction book and when he hands it to finn it's basically more than twice its original size and won't even close anymore from the sheer volume of sticky notes that Leo's put in there pointing out historical inaccuracies or just dropping cute lil history facts

Finn is a mess of heart eyes and undying love as he works his way through the behemoth of the book, and it still holds a treasured place on his bookshelf 

Yet another of his most prized possessions 

Fun fact: It’s only when they get into reading together that Leo finds out that Finn will use anything as a bookmark 

One day he comes home to find the household cat’s (king’s) face smooshed gently between the pages of Finn’s latest paperback, his whiskers peeking out the pages as he sleeps

Leo can’t decide between snapping a picture and laughing his ass off (he does both) 

Of course, in an effort to get their beloved Lolo into reading, the boys decide to annotate a book for him together, potentially giving him an incentive to read it. 

They find a brilliant thriller/horror+romance book that they think Logan would enjoy and they spend hours poring over it (even though it gives leo the heebie jeebies at times) and annotating it for Lolo, Logan's super confused as to why his boyfriends are reading the same book at the same time, like ???? this is so dumb? Why don’t they just take turns? it's it awkward to have to wait for the other person to finish reading? wouldn't it be easier to do it one by one? but when they're both finally finished writing all over it and making it perfect for their boy (there's absent-minded doodles of fleur-de-lis all over the margins in the purple pen that Leo used and little stick-figure drawing of the three of them in Finn's orange ink. It clashes horribly (Logan loves it). they give to him all wrapped up and pretty and Lolo tears up a little

When Logan's reading it, he can't help but laugh at the cacophony of purple and orange on every square inch of available space and the book quickly becomes his most prized possession. He knows it's a horror book and it's supposed to be scary and stuff, but how is he supposed to be scared when there's stick figure Finn with the most floofy hair brandishing a sword against a monster that doesn't look even remotely like the thing described in the book as he holds stick-figure logan in astronomically muscly arms?

Sometimes when Leo can't sleep, Logan grabs the book and reads to Leo, though Leo usually loathes thrillers/horror books. He's lying with his head pillowed on Logan's chest listening to the rumble of his sleep-hoarse voice as Lolo does silly voices for Leo and Finn's annotations and that's how Leo reads the book start to finish without being scared

Just them being happy and in love and the intricate rituals of storytelling <3

#oknutzy #lumosinlove ocs #coast to coast #hazelverse #whataboutmywriting #GODDAMN I LOVE THEM OKAY #LEAVE ME ALONE #THIS IS MY NEW COMFORT HC #logan tremblay #leo knut #finn o hara

[mana-sputachu]

A lot of people keep saying that T9 will have a large time skip similar to T3 and will focus on Jin and Xiaoyu's kid/s (imagine where a thirty-something Xiaoyu gonna be) but… it doesn't make much sense. Yes, I see it in the future maybe but not so early on? Jin's storyline is nowhere near finished and it would be sad to see him rendered to nothing more than the new protagonist's dad after so many years of struggle. He's always been an iconic character but I feel like we never truly saw him shine, if you get what I mean? When he's the sole focus of the story, he's either the cool Kazuya replacement with too much package (so just Kazuya replacement), or he was basically the villain. I want to see him heal. I know Tekken is a story not about good vs evil but evil vs another, maybe lesser evil, but damn it I want to see him a little happy. And it isn't about what I want to see, it also doesn't make sense to move so fast when so much of the story is still unraveled or needs to be told, and I doubt everything will be resolved in T8. They had the ability to do large time skip back in T3 days because people weren't as attached to the characters as we are now. A time-skip will change most of the roster (again, no older females in Tekken hah ha h a :/). And the fact that the last 57 Tekkens all happened in the same year? They are clearly drawing this out. Am I talking nonsense?? I've seen this theory way too much now i just… argh sorry for talking so much about this

Okay, first of all do not apologize for your message! It's been ages since I've got so many nice and interesting messages here on tumblr, and I'm having a blast responding and brainstorming (or just fangirling) with ya all! And Tekken is one of my fave things ever that is now taking over my brain (together with KoF) again, so it's all good here! If ya all want to keep message me, please feel free to do so!❤️

And I agree with your point of view, such a sudden time skip wouldn't make sense. Jin stated multiple times ingame that he wants to eradicate his remaining family members before killing himself (JIN NO), so having such a big time skip with a new Mishima, possibly his son/daughter seems... nonsensical. Jin wants to end his bloodline as of now, so I'd put that idea aside. And we're not even sure he'll be able to really kill/beat Kazuya this time.... hell, since it's Harada we're talking about, we're not even sure Heihachi is really dead. You know he's more than capable to revive him just because the old fart has tons of fans (especially among professional/semi professional players). When the trailer dropped, me and @askkrisachan were speculating about it, thinking Harada would be more than capable to revive him a la Jinpachi. ANYWAY. You're right in saying Jin's story is yet to be done. Even if he manages to win against his clan, there's still the Devil Gene. He seems to be somewhat in control of it in that trailer but... is that true? He seemed vaguely in control even in his T4 ending, managing to summon his wings only, but we know he wasn't thanks to his T5 prologue. He also seemed somewhat able to control it at the end of T7 (after that long ass beauty sleep) but again... how much of that is true? It's something worth exploring imho... and Claudio could be used for that. Something along the line of: with Kazuya and Heihachi gone for good, Jin is trying to do something good and restoring peace helped by Lee (and Lars, reclutantly), but Claudio helds a new tournament cause he's still interested in the Devil gene. Not the most brilliant plot BUT a step away from the whole Mishima saga and villain!Jin, and towards Jin's redemption arc, fighting once again for the good reasons... and still struggling with his inner demon, because we love angst and makes sense with his character and growth. And yeah, given how they're spreading 989882332 tournaments in the span of a few months, I doubt there will be a big time skip with T9. Maybe 2-3 years, but nothing like T2/3- As you said, at the time people weren't so attached to the characters yet, they weren't fully developed yet, ending were very short and the story felt more like a puzzle to put together. Probably it was like that for the team too, testing waters while deciding in what direction they wanted to go.

Granted, it's also Harada we're talking about, the man who once in a video intervew told that the creation of Alisa and Lars was basically "here's some random words, create two new characters based on those", so he might pull something like that if he's drunk enough... but I sincerely hope not.

#tekken #tekken 8 #jin kazama #kazuya mishima #heihachi mishima #text post #replies #anonymous

[astromaki]

part 3 of second choice ; ceo!shoto todoroki x gn!reader (x ceo!katsuki bakugo) (1617 words)

part 1. part 2. (previous) part 4.

tw ; angst, arranged marriage, toxic relationship, degradation, divorce, mention of alcohol, bad language, slightly suggestive ?

EXTRA INFOS ;; all the characters are aged up obviously (they are 30 here), the point of view of this third part is from shoto todoroki !

confrontation. [7 : 16 pm]

a week has passed since he came home that night drunk. that he had begged momo to stay with him. that he had accidentally seen those divorce papers crumpled by your hands.

momo had seen them too that night, and yet she and shoto had not commented on them. good, he wasn't in the mood anyway.

it had become almost official, even the media had it on their front pages. "one of japan's richest couples on the verge of divorce?", "billionaire todoroki single again?" "y/n, will the heir.ess of their father's company return to being a lawyer?"

he would have liked to say that he cared what you thought about it. if you cried, screamed, were you hurt ? but that would be lying, you were the least of his worries.

and then, wasn't it what he wanted from the beginning ?

that you would end up hating him so much that you would leave him. that he could finally be free of the weight that you represented every day.

and yet his signature was still missing.

"you can't even love your partner properly, and now i hear through the media that a divorce is on the way ? you're pathetic son. i knew i should have married them to touya. " enji's heart-attack voice echoed terribly through the phone, which made shoto sigh. he was even pretty sure he could hear it from across town.

"calm down." shoto said in an annoyed tone. "your marriage isn't a success either, so keep your remarks to yourself. bye. "

"you idiot, don't you dare hanging up on me. i don't care if you can't satisfy your s/o, i don't care if they feel bad about this arranged marriage either. but y/n y/l/n comes from a very famous lawyer's family, so get a divorce and the amount of money you have to give will be huge. "

"i manage them, it will not be a problem. i have to go now. "

the young man finally returned to your room, looking exhausted, his tie loosened and ready to down a few glasses of whiskey.

however, he was surprised to see you. dressed in a beautiful versace dress/suit, you were glowing. well no, he meant that you looked... good.

though, it was the first time he took the time to look at you. to admire you.

the young man finally met your indifferent gaze through the mirror you were standing in front of. that gaze that was so joyful and sparkling at the beginning of your marriage, full of hope to transform this purely financial union into a love marriage.

but that look, devoid of emotion, almost made shoto, Japan's most ambitious ceo, doubt himself. almost.

"i'm surprised you're still using my card to splurge. how much is this one? $1000 ? $2000 ?"

he was tired, exhausted. nut the truth is he was in the mood to be a pain in the ass tonight.

"$ 8,330. plus the $800 pair. " you replied coldly.

your answer was like a slap in the face to your husband. not because of the price, he didn't give a fuck about this.

but this tone right there. it wasn't like you. you were normally so gentle, patient even with the worst of the crap he put you through. that naive kindness that made him want to vomit was completely gone. he didn't expect such a turn of events.

"so you decide to divorce me, but first you want to empty my bank account? you're exactly as I imagined." his look that used to reflect nothing but fatigue was now full of contempt for you.

you finally faced him. shit, he couldn't help but find you beautiful.

"here todoroki, let's talk about the divorce. " you began, quietly walking over to the cabinet and pulling out a stack of documents. "i've signed it, sign it, and i'll take it to my lawyers first thing in the morning.

he snatched them out of your hand and threw them across the room. you didn't even flinch, you even held his gaze. poker face.

a loud silence fell between you. a long silence, uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time. heavy and light. sensible and meaningless.

"what's all this about ? who put you up to this ?"

a wry laugh escaped your lips. your new behavior puzzled shoto. he loved and hated what he had in front of him. a challenge.

"you think i need someone to make me realize that i deserve better than an asshole like you ? fuck, let me laugh. "

your hand went to retrieve a piece of paper from your purse. and it was slammed hard against his chest. bakugou’s business card.

he found your face inches from his, your warm breath gently caressing his cheeks. a scent of whiskey filled his nostrils. you were not sober.

"how many drinks are you on? " he asked quietly.

"so now do you care if i downed a whole bottle or not ? oh please shut up. because now that you mention it, your friend bakugou katsuki may have hired me. to be his company's business lawyer. isn't that funny? "

you turned your back on him, unaware of the state you'd put him in. but damn, it was like he'd just been slapped in the face. nausea took over his whole body, his legs became heavy and weak in few seconds only. and he knew damn well it wasn't fatigue.

so you were leaving him, but on top of that you were going to work for his number one competitor ?

he didn't know what hurt more, the knowledge that bakugo had won one of the most competent lawyers in the field or that you were leaving him for him ? was he jealous ? surely not, it was another feeling that repulsed him. he didn't even know.

"have you lost your tongue todoroki ?"

todoroki ? since when did you call him by his last name ? where are the darlings or my heart that used to annoy him so much ?

you finish getting ready, now wearing your long jacket. he had lost his tongue indeed, he didn't know what to say to you. what to do.

y/n y/l/n, you had succeeded in putting your husband to the wall.

but it was only for a moment. he quickly, too quickly, pulled himself together. his usual irritated expression returned.

"you don't see that he's using you to get ahead of me ? i thought you were smarter than that. "

he took a step forward, slowly but surely. like a predator approaching its prey.

"he doesn't care about you. just like no one has ever cared about you, not me, not him and not your bourgeois family. that's why they put you in a loveless marriage so easily. "

a mirthless laugh escaped from his lips.

"y/n, this bastard doesn't give a damn about you. "

you tried to move towards him, ready to slap him, but the alcohol made you capsize and stumble on your carpet. he arrived just in time to support you with his muscular arms. an annoyed sigh resounded in the large room when your sob reached his ears.

nevertheless, a petty smile stretched his lips. there you were again, the fragile and unassertive y/n finally in his arms.

that bakugo had managed to turn your brain inside out. yet shoto knew you better than anyone else. he knew you. better than you knew yourself. you were that puzzle he had managed to decipher long ago.

"that's not true. kacchan wouldn't do that...", you whisper.

"you know i'm right, sweetheart. you know i'm the only one who's honest with you. my love for you is all you need. "

his muscular hand gradually, peacefully, came to caress your back to take off the buttons of your dress. his lips came to meet yours, to draw you into a long, languid, unsentimental kiss. your lips asked for more, your whole soul asked for more of shoto. more of this man for whom your heart never stopped beating. even if his was vibrating for another woman.

you wanted to feel his lips making love to you sensually, sincerely.

you just wanted him to love you for one night. one fucking night.

shoto was ecstatic. he could already see himself opening a bottle of champagne with his father, to celebrate the divorce that would never happen. tonight, shoto had brought out his best acting skills. millions were at stake. he had brought out his best kiss. he had never touched you like that. so gently, so carefully.

he had never called you by any affectionate nickname.

he has done too much to keep you around.

and you were drunk, not stupid.

you finally stood up, moving away from him, reluctantly. nothing he said was true. from his love for you, to his accusations against katsuki.

awkwardly, you put your dress/suit back on properly.

"i have a meeting with my future employer mr. bakugou tonight. i'll be late. don't wait for me, i'll sleep at the hotel tonight, with your card. "

a red color came to his cheeks. anger ? sadness ? jealousy ?

he had never seen you so determined, so proud. and that attracted him. he was going to lose millions, no matter what. but it was you who was going to escape him. for that bastard bakugou katsuki.

the nice little y/n was no longer shoto todoroki's.

AHHH omg sorry sorry i told you i can't do a fluffy end!! >< (comments and reblogs are appreciated <3)

🔖 tag list ; @nveusii @angelofthorr @missmolliemoo @jazzylove @loki-an-idiot @deepestranchgoopdeputy @mhasimp666 @shotorozu @chscklvr @devilsbooksworld @marshmallow12345 (ones in bold cannot be tagged)

#bnha scenarios #bnha x reader #shoto todoroki x reader #todoroki shoto x you #todoroki shoto x reader #shoto x y/n #shoto todoroki x you #shoto x you #shoto x reader #todoroki x you #todoroki x y/n #todoroki x reader #shoto todoroki angst #bnha shoto #bakugou x reader #bakugo x self insert #bakugo x reader #bakugou x you #bakugo katsuki x reader #katsuki x reader #katsuki x y/n #katsuki bakugo x reader #katsuki bakugo x y/n #bakugou katsuki

[myafterlifeisbetterthenyours]

OBSESSIVE STOLAS X Male Imp Pt.1

(This is a long fanfic and will consist of multiple parts.)

The day Stolas met you, the life which had been boring at worst and full of love and respect at best, was in complete shambles. Broken ever since the "Brunch incident".

He and his wife were barely on speaking terms, and when they did speak, it would almost exclusively devolved into a fight filled with harsh words and thrown objects.

His darling starfire hadn't spoken to him in over a week. Something he'd usually chock up to teenage angst, but she actively avoided him now.

Something she'd never do before.

And so with his homelife slowly tearing him apart, he naturally thought a visit to his favourite Imp in all hell would brighten his day.

And that's where you came in.

You'd worked at I.M.P for the last few months and were quickly becoming a valued member of the I.M.P family.

Youd just finished a job and were about to fill out the rather tedious paperwork the job entailed, When the towering Demon Prince entered the office.

You were too proud an Imp to admit it, but when you first saw Prince Stolas you were a little starstruck.

Said Prince, apon finding a new Imp at I.M.P's office immediately inquired as to who you were

Taken off guard by suddenly be talking to a Prince of hell, you spent a moment fumbling your words, before finally telling him your name.

Stolas finding the whole thing quiet adorable.

Stolas sparked up a conversation, asking how you ended up at I.M.P and your work with the company. Something you were more than happy to tell him about.

You told him how Blitzø had hired you after youd single handedly killed 3 men in a fight with only a can opener.

Then you told him about how working as an assassin was challenging but enjoyable work, all things considered.

You tell him how working for the chaotic force of nature that is Blitzø was great too, when he wasn't being a prick.

As charming as Stolas found your slightly flustered conversation. There was a purpose to his visit. And so asking you if Blitzø was in, to which you told him he was in his office.

Stolas suddenly became anxious, wondering aloud if his outfit was presentable or not.

This caused you to laugh, placing a hand over your mouth.

Stolas was immediately indignant, demanding to know what was so funny.

You killed the laugh with a cough, before telling him you laughed because simply put "You'd never seen a more ravishing demon in all your time in hell" And for him to be anxious was funny to you.

Stolas Blushed hard, a Warmth he didn't understand spreading through his chest. It had been so long since he'd received such praise from someone who wasnt utterly subservient to him.

Sputtering out an timid thank you, before immediately making his way Blitzø's office, Ignoring your cries to wait.

Being violently thrown out of Blitzø's office was not how he saw this unplanned little 'Rendezvous' going.

Blitzø stepped out stared down at him, a mixture of disgust and anger plain on his face.

'I'm so sick of this shit stolas' Blitzø grumble out, pinching the bridge between his eyes. 'We made a Fucking deal, I come over ONCE a MONTH and fuck your brains out. And you leave me alone unless you have a job for us.'

Stolas tried to reply, trying to explain why he was there. But before he could Blitzø interjected 'I can put up with all creepy perverted texts and shit, but I am not your God Damned SEXTOY Stolas! I don't want to see your ass don't here again!' He screamed, before slamming the door.

Stolas just sat there. Unwilling to move. He felt like he'd just been slapped.

His eyes stung. His throat burned. He clutched at the ground, and even as his world fell apart around him, he could only focus on one thing.

He felt so cold...

He had no one.

No one loved him.

He felt so cold...

It took everything he had not to breakdown, he couldn't, not here. It was unbecoming of a prince to been seen showing such weakness.

The sudden sensation of something on his shoulder. Daring to open his eyes, he was shocked to find You, standing over him. Hand on his shoulder and a sympathetic smile on your face.

You reached into your coat and removed a handkerchief.

Croutching down you wiped the growing dew around his eyes.

Putting away the hanky, you stood up and offered him a hand.

Helping him to his feet, you asked him if he was okay. Stolas immediately tried to put up his aristocratic facade and assure you he was fine.

Only for the words to die in his throat and for him to almost burst into tears again.

Leading him into the nearby office, you find yourself in the conference room. You sat him on said conference table.

Quickly zipping off, you returned a moment later with a little plastic cup of water.

Handing the little cup, he took it with a wordless thanks.

Stolas felt cold.

He felt like his whole world was falling apart. He had nothing.

His wife couldnt stand him.

His beloved Starfire wouldn't stay in the same room as him.

He had nothing and no one.

No one loved him.

Why should he even go on.

Even through there crimson glow, you could see just how close he was to breaking down.

So before his despair could consume him completely, you did the only thing you could think of.

You climbed atop the conference table and pulled the poor owl-boi into a hug.

It was a little awkward due to the height difference, but standing on the table brought you high enough to pull his head onto your chest.

Stolas was utterly shocked, not just by the action itself, But the fact you did this on your own acord.

He didn't have to barter or beg or make promises for your affection.

You just... gave it freely.

He couldnt help himself.

It had been so long since he'd last felt the loving touch of another soul.

And for you to give affection so openly, he felt he could let himself be vulnerable to you. He releases a long anguished cry, bursting into tears.

You just held him close, gently petting his head, whispering words of comfort, telling him everything would be okay.

He didn't know why but your words brought out

Stolas threw his arms around you, holding onto you as though you were the last anchor in his sea of despair.

The poor owl drenched the front of your shirt with his dejected tears.

Stolas didn't know how long he cried for, and you simply didn't care.

You could tell he needed this and were more then happy to give the demonic prince some much needed affection.

Eventually, Stolas shed all the tears he had, standing up he unintentionally pulled himself from your warm embrace.

Stolas instantly missed the warmth of your touch. The same all consuming coldness as before instantly returning.

Looking up at Stolas you draw your handkerchief and go to wipe his tear stained face.

But before you could, Stolas grabbed your hand, his other hand was placed on the back of your head, he pulls you into a kiss.

You weren't sure how to react, stolas certainly didn't give you any time to figure it out as he pulled you deeper into the kiss.

While you were initially shocked by the kiss, you honestly, didn't care to put up any kind of resistance.

While you would of preferred he asked for a kiss, you could tell the guy needed this. And all things considered, you were happy to oblige him.

So when his tongue slid across your teeth, asking for entrance, you wrapped your arms around his neck you let it in, giving stolas full access to your mouth.

You began leaning into the kiss, doing your best to return his passion.

Stolas, took your returning passion as further permission, he became more aggressive.

His tongue dominated your mouth, as his hands began roamed across your body.

Stolas was in bliss, each time you shivered or moaned, bringing him further pleasure.

Taking each sound as encouragement, he became more and more aggressive. Sure that each sound you made was an unconscious sign of love.

He became more desperate to hear your angelic voice as moaned or cried out. Desperate to hear someone say they loved him.

Gripping his head, you tried to de-escalate the situation before it got out of hand.

Of course that was easier said then done, as Stolas was much stronger then he looked. But after much effort, despite Stolas's silent insistence that you continue, you finally managed to break the kiss.

Stolas's forceful nature found you pushed back onto the table. Stolas towering over you, staring down at you with those awe inspiring crimson eyes.

'We cant be this doing this' You try to tell him 'Not here. What if someone walks in on us?' The question hung in the air. When it became obvious it wasn't deterring his growing need you asked 'What if Blitzø catches us?'

Stolas pulled back at that.

Looking to the side he rubbed his arm, Anxiety bubbling in his chest.

Stolas hadn't thought of that.

What if Blitzø did walk in?

Finding him with one of his employees.

In his office.

Would Blitzø be upset?

Would he yell at him, scream and throw a fit, insisting he had betrayed him...

Would Blitzø even care?

There was a part of him that said 'Of course he would. Blitzø, no matter how much he denied it, surely Blitzø cared for him on some level.'

Stolas could tell himself that all he wanted, but deep down, he knew the truth.

He placed his hand on your cheek, looking down at you. He tried to speak only for a new wave of emotions hit him, causing him on reflex to fall silent.

It was in that moment, as he stood over you, did he realis he didn't need to hide his vulnerability from you. You weren't judging him, he could be vulnerable to you and would judge him for it.

His heart swelled and despite having just met you, he found himself developing a deep yearning to be with you.

'I-I know this is sudden. And you have every right to say no. But please... No one has ever shown me such genuine affection like you have today.'

' I'm so used to people only interested in me for my status or resources.' Stolas held himself, looking dejectedly to the side. A new wave of sorrow enveloping him.

'Your the only one who's shown me the slightes care, past what I could do for them.' He didn't meet your gaze, he ran his hand down your chest, his voice becoming just above a whisper. 'I have nothing (Y/N), I have no one. Right now your the only thing I have.'

'I need to feel something (Y/n), I need to feel something before I fall apart, and I want feel it with you.' He was practically begging you by this point.

Things like pity and mercy were a death sentence in hell.

There was nothing stopping you from saying no. You cared little for royalty. You weren't some door mat that took every word from royalty as gospel.

But right now, this great Demonic Prince standing before you. He didn't want your obedience. He wasn't forcing you to do anything.

He just wanted some sort of affection. something you knew you could give him so easily.

How could you say no?

With a deep sigh, you resigned yourself to your fate. Leaning forward you place your hand under his chin and raised his head to meet your gaze. Stolas was shocked when pulled him close and planted a kiss on his his beak.

'Lock the door' you whispered.

#helluva boss #helluva stolas #x reader #headcanon #helluva boss headcanon #helluva boss x reader #stolas x reader #stolas

[nagito-kissmaeda]

Horny on Main Disease - Komaeda x Reader

Summary: Reader catches a strain of the despair disease that means she says everything she is thinking. Kind of awkward considering all she can think about is how much she wants to jump Komaeda's bones. This is intended to be sort of funny, but i still wrote it pretty seriously, just want to make it clear that i did not half ass the smut. i whole assed it.

Word count: 4444  Contains: fem reader, they/them pronouns, despair disease, explict sexual content, unsafe sex, voyeurism Read on AO3 ミ☆ Please send me a DM or an ask if you’d like me to write something for you!

It’s not even a particularly hot day, and yet you’re sweating bullets as you walk over to the dining hall like you do every morning. Your legs are wobbly and your head is aching something terrible, you assume that you’ve caught a cold or something , whatever the problem is, it’s going to be a question for Tsumiki when you meet up with her at breakfast.

Kuzuryu is standing out by the pool, pensively staring into the still water. He probably misses Pekoyama, but you’re smart enough to know not to-

“Hey, Kuzuryu! I bet you miss your dead girlfriend, huh?”

He just stares at you, and it takes a good few seconds for you to even realise what you just said out loud. You clap a hand over your mouth, horrified.

“I don’t know why I said that!” You squeak

Kuzuryu doesn’t look...angry? He shakes his head at you and sighs, “you’re acting weird today too, aren’t you?”

“What? Weird? Who’s weird?”

“Owari was here a few minutes ago, bawling her eyes out on the ground.” He crosses his arms and looks away from you, “I think the bear is planning something again.”

You nod sternly, “anyone with tits as big as Owari has nothing to cry about! Something is definitely suspicious.”

Oh god why did you say that??

“Oh god, why did I say that??”

You just keep saying everything you’re thinking!

“I just keep saying everything I’m-“

Kuzuryu grabs you by the wrist and starts tugging you towards the dining hall, “something is definitely fucked up.” He looks down at where his hand is gripping yours, “Jesus Christ, your skin is on fire!”

“Yeah, cause I’m hot !” That was already an embarrassing thing to say, you are horrified when your mouth drops open again to follow it up with, “bow-chicka-wow-wow!”

There is definitely something wrong with you. In general you are the sort of person who takes the time to carefully curate every word that leaves your mouth, the fact that you are just speaking without even thinking about it is bizarre and alarming. The ache in your head is also steadily growing stronger and you’re starting to feel dizzy, maybe you’re just delirious with flu? It doesn't make sense for you to catch the flu on an abandoned island, but weirder things have happened already.

It is at this moment that you realise you have been (only semi-coherently) mumbling your full internal tirade outloud to Kuzuryu, who is now helping you up the stairs to the dining hall. He has very diplomatically, been either ignoring, or at least pretending to ignore everything you have been saying.

“You’re nice. Probably the politest yakuza i’ve ever met.” you pause, “I’ve never met another yakuza, i'm not sure why i said it like that.”

Kuzuryu scoffs and tugs you up at the last step. Deigning to give your comment any sort of response.

As you step up onto the dining hall landing, you freeze. This is dangerous. Your nails are biting into the skin of your palms, and your already warm face feels even hotter. Don't look at him, don't think about him, don't look at him, don't think about him. Kuzuryu is giving you a look, you must be verbalising your own mental gymnastics, but that is less embarrassing than the alternative.

“Don't look at him, don't think about him, don't look at him, don't think-”

You look up, like an idiot . Komaeda is sitting by the window with his chin in his palm, just sort of staring off into the middle distance, not really looking at anything. The morning sun cascades through the window and catches in his hair. It shimmers. Your heart twists and turns in your chest, you have been trying to keep this little fascination of yours under wraps, but he slowly closes his eyes and takes a deep breath in through his nose and-

“He looks like an angel .” You say, and you say it loudly.

All eyes in the room turn to you. Hinata especially is looking at you with his particular brand of exhaustion, that says this is not the first weird thing he has heard today. You scramble, trying desperately to think about anything other than Komaeda, to stop yourself from saying anything stupid. In your desperation, what you say is: “Yes hello! I was talking about anyone in this room apart from Komaeda. Please do not be confused, it was not Komaeda. I want to make it crystal clear that i am NOT attracted to Nagito Komaeda. This is a very convincing lie and you all believe me!”

Mioda straightens her spine and salutes you, “Roger! You are not attracted to Komaeda, I believe you!”

Your sweating even more now, it’s getting hard to breathe, “Forget I said anything!”

Mioda salutes again, “Consider it forgotten!”

“What is happening?! ” Hinata exclaims, gesturing wildly to you, Mioda, and Owari who you suddenly notice is leaning against the far wall and sobbing, “This is not normal!”

Your eyes slip to Komaeda again. He is looking at you and he is blushing-

“He looks so...cute…” You whisper, and Hinata yelps.

“Why are you all being so weird???? ”

Monokuma takes that as his cue to finally show up. Waltzing on into the dining hall like he owns the place, clearly buzzing with excitement, “A good question!” He says, clamoring up onto a vacant chair and holding a paw in front of his face to hide his laughter, “ Oooh , this is my best motive yet! Looks like three members of the class have come down with a bad case of the despair disease!”

“D-Despair Disease?” Tsumiki contributes, nervously playing with her hands, “I’ve never heard of such a thing!”

“Yeah, well. It’s pretty self explanatory!” Monokuma says, “The main symptom is high fever, along with some other fun despair related effects! It’s a bit of a mixed bag though and no two cases are the same! For example, Moida is suffering from the Gullible Disease...Owari has the Cowards Disease.” Then, Monokuma points his stubby little paw in your direction, “And you have the No Filter Disease. You just say whatever you’re thinking! It’s been lots of fun so far, upupupupu~”

“Oh, does that mean all those things they were just saying about Komaeda were the truth?” Sonia says. Her brows draw together, and she taps her lips with a finger, “How interesting.”

“It’s not my fault he’s gorgeous!” the words escape you before you have a chance to stop them. You squeal and clap a hand over your mouth before you start talking again. Komaeda is now bright red to the tips of his ears.

“That was true? GROSS!” Saionji exclaims.

You glare at Monokuma, “If you wouldn't kill me for doing it, I'd rip out all your stuffing right now.”

Monokuma withers a little, “Aw~ Is that what you really feel? Here I was thinking we were great friends.”  

“I’ll gut you like a fish.” you pause, “a bear-fish.” another pause, “a fish-bear.” You groan, “UGH, I can’t stop saying stupid things! I’m all sweaty! This sucks !”

Tsumiki steps over to you, her hand is shaking as she brings it up to your forehead.

“Oh…” you breathe, “your hand is cold.”

“S-Sorry! I’m just checking your temperature.”

“You smell like lavender.”

She recoils a little, “It’s j-just my shampoo!!'' Then she shakes her head and turns to the rest of the group, “Monokuma is telling the truth. They’ve got a fever.”

Hinata hurriedly presses his hand against the foreheads of both Owari and Moida, confirming that they’re also burning up, “What do we do, Tsumiki?”

Before she can answer, Monokuma pipes up again, “did I forget to mention? It’s contagious~~”

Saionji squeals and backpedals all the way to the stairs, “Contagious!?”

“Yeah and I'm a conta- genius . Get it?”

Souda gives you an uncomfortable look and scratches the back of his neck, “How much space in your brain is taken up by bad puns?”

You’re feeling really dizzy now, “A lot of it! But usually I don't say any of them!” your knees wobble and you almost fall over, luckily Tsumiki is still close enough to grab you before you topple to the ground, “I am going to kill that goddamn bear .”

“Could-could someone help me?” Tsumiki squeaks, “If i keep holding them up like this we-we’re just both going to fall over.”

You giggle a little, slipping into a semi-delirium as you cling to Tsumiki for dear life. Hinata and the others start working on a plan to keep everyone safe until the illness runs its course, “Hey Tsumiki…” you whisper, “Komaeda’s got real nice hands, huh?” she is too busy trying to keep you upright to answer, “I want him to carry me. Unless I'm too heavy, Tsumiki, am I too heavy?”  

You’re all but draped over Tsumiki now, who is trying in vain to shuffle you over to a nearby wall, when you suddenly hear her sigh in relief, “Oh...Th-Thank you. I’m not very s-strong…”

You manage to flop your head around to face the other direction, lacking the strength to turn your neck properly. Komaeda is looking down at you, it might just be the fever, but you feel like you’re going to burst into flames.

“Aha, I’m sure i'm not much stronger than you, Tsumiki.” He says, gently wrapping his arm around your shoulders and tugging you over to him. You might have moaned, you can't be sure, “But I do have the height advantage.”

The utter tsunami that leaves your mouth is unavoidable. Literally medically unavoidable, but that doesn't stop it from being the most embarrassing moment of your life.

“He’s touching me. He’s touching me…” your head has come to rest on his chest and you are practically hyperventilating, “He smells like chamomile soap and clean laundry...His hands are cold, his shirt is soft...Oh god i'm so sweaty, he probably thinks i'm disgusting! Komaeda, i'm so sorry , this was meant to be a secret!!! I wasn't going to tell you, everyones gonna think I'm weird!” your thoughts are leaving your mouth faster than you can think of them, if Komaeda is reacting to anything you have to say, you don't notice because despite your mouth running a mile a minute you still have an ounce enough of shame and bury your face in his chest to hide from your own words.

The world is spinning, your head feels heavy, everything is so hot , “Your hair is nice, did you know your hair is nice? God, I've wanted to run my fingers through it since day one. This is so fucked up, you almost killed someone! I want to stop talking , i feel like i'm gonna pass out, i'm gonna pass out, i'm gonna pass out. Im gonna…”

***

“I think I passed out.” Is the first thing you say when you wake up. You’re still hot and the back of your neck is sweaty, but you can see that you are now in the hospital, and that you’re wearing a hospital gown.

“Who undressed me?!” You exclaim, disappointed to find that you still can’t help saying everything you think.

At the sound of your voice, the door to your room opens, and Komaeda steps in.

“No! Not you!”

He freezes, withering under your gaze, “Ah, I see. Being greeted by garbage like me in your current state, it must be insulting .”

You feel like an asshole .

“That’s not what I meant! Please don’t go, I never want you to go.”

Komaeda laughs a little, still lurking nervously in the doorway, “You’re confusing me.”

“I don’t want you to hear what I’m thinking. I want you to stay, but all I can think about is how much I want to suck on your collarbone.” You freeze the second you stop talking, a high pitched whine leaving your mouth as you hide your face in your hands, “I’m so sorry! I can’t stop it!”

Stepping further into the room, Komaeda quietly closes the door behind him. Your heart is pounding.

“I’m nervous.” You say.

He tilts his head, walking over to the side of your bed, “I can still leave if I’m making you uncomfortable.”

“No, I’m not uncomfortable.” You shrink under his gaze, “it just, the way you closed the door it makes me feel like you’re planning something, like maybe we’re going to have-“ you manage to cover your mouth before the rest of the sentence escapes. Keeping your hands tight over your lips as all you can think about is his long fingers, his soft hair, his half lidded eyes.

“Are you...still talking behind your hands?”

You nod.

A smile crawls up the side of his face, “are you saying something embarrassing?”

“I wanna stick my tongue in your mouth.” You say, loud enough that even the tight grip of your hands doesn’t muffle it.

Komaeda remains remarkably calm, “You keep saying those things. This disease...means you say whatever you’re thinking, doesn’t it?”

“Yes. It’s driving me crazy, I’m just being such an idiot and I’m probably freaking you out. I’m sorry.”

“No, that’s not it.” He sighs, moving slowly as he sits down on the side of your bed, “Honestly, why would you let such thoughts about scum like me take up so much real estate in your mind?”

“I can’t help it!” You exclaim, “I’ve been trying not to think about it, but I just can’t! I want you so badly. I…..I-“ you hold your breath, you can’t let that last part out, no matter what, you can’t say that last part. You’ll die of suffocation before you let him hear it.

“You...what?” He asks

Oh god. You can’t stop thinking about it. Your lungs are aching, screaming for you to just open your mouth.

“What are you hiding, hm?”

It’s too much. The nerves, your sick and weakened body, him right there . You can’t do it, you can’t stop it, the next time you see Monokuma, you are drop kicking him into the sun.

“I’ve touched myself while thinking about you!”

The words echo off the walls of the room like a gunshot.

For a moment Komaeda just stares at you, but then, his shaky hands reach out and wrap around both of your wrists. His throat bobs.

“Hng. I want to suck on the side of your neck, I want to see you covered in marks from my teeth-“ you try to cover your mouth with your hands again. Komaeda grips your wrists tighter.

“No.” He whispers, trembling, “keep going.”

“ God, your hands are so big. I want to know how deep your fingers would reach inside of me. I bet you’re good at it, I bet you’re really good at it.” He just keeps staring at you, ghostly green eyes blown wide, chest heaving , “Are you turned on? Is this turning you on? Just pin me down and fuck me, do it, do it, do it!”

“How...how often are you thinking about me like this?”

“Oh, all the time.” You freeze, mentally (and therefore also verbally) berating yourself, “Not all the time! Just like, a normal amount. However much that is.” He is still just looking at you, the pad of his thumb slowly brushes across the pulsepoint in your wrist and you shiver, “Yes, yes! I’ve wanted this intimacy with you for so long . I couldn't tell anyone, I couldn't tell you. During the first trial, when you went on your weirdo rant about hope and despair. I was scared, i was so scared, but oh god- ” you can't stop yourself. Every thought in your head is pouring out of your lips. Filling up the room, the mortification is drowning you . All you can do is squeeze your eyes shut to avoid looking at him, “I was wet , Komaeda. I went back to my cabin and came three times to the thought of you, I am reprehensible . What do you think the others would do if they found out, huh? That all i can think about is you fucking me over my trial podium. They’ll tie me up next-”

The bed squeaks, and Komaeda brings his knee up and over your hips.

“-Oh my god. You’re doing it aren't you?”

His other leg comes up on the bed, and he settles, hovering up above you. He shrugs, “I honestly don't understand why this is something you want,” he leans down over you, resting his palms on either side of your head, “but who am I to deny the wishes of an ultimate.”

If not for the warmth of his lips pressed against yours, you are sure that you wouldn't be able to shut up, based only on the number of thoughts tumbling through your head like they’re on a spin cycle. You are still sweaty with fever and probably look disgusting, but Komaeda shuffles down in between your legs and hikes your hospital gown up to your waist. So you are suitably distracted.

He laughs as he hooks his fingers around your panties and tugs them down your thighs, “I cant believe that you want scum like me to touch you like this. Usually I would assume that you are lying, or taking pity on me.” He grins, running a finger up the length of your sex, “But everything you say to me is your exact thoughts, isnt it?”

“Yes! Touch me, please! ” You’re quivering beneath him, barely able to breathe in between your frantic pleas, “You feel so good, you feel perfect . I want your fingers inside me so bad .”

He hisses as he slips his middle and ring finger inside of you, eyes glued to where your entrance is swallowing him up, “Ahaaa...you’re drenched . You really do want me don't you?” he pistons his fingers in and out slowly, slowly and deliberately, “Someone like you, desiring me so terribly. It’s such a waste , but i can't help it. I must be selfish and take this chance while i can.”

“Not a….waste....” You force out, helplessly grinding on his fingers, “Want you....want only you…”

“Oh- Ohhhh .” He moans, “I can feel you, squeezing around my fingers. You’re so wet...so warm…”

You hear a zipper coming undone, and your thoughts go into overdrive, “oh my god, oh my god. Komaeda’s going to jerk off in front of me, wanna watch, wanna watch! ”

His fingers still inside you for a moment as he tugs his boxers down far enough to slip out his cock. Your eyes follow the movement of his long fingers as he slowly curls them around the base, and tugs them up again, rolling the pad of his thumb over the head. His hips buck, and you moan.

“You...you’re tightening around my fingers…” he breathes, choking on a moan as he pumps his cock again, “you like watching me touch myself?” Your hips stutter, grinding your clit against the meat of his palm as he continues stroking himself. His eyes are wide as he watches you writhing beneath him.

“The face you make when you do that...it’s so cute.” You say, whining as his fingers start moving inside you again, “it’s even cuter than I imagined. Your cheeks are all red.” You swallow, “and your cock is so pretty...I want you to cum inside me, so bad .”

His breath hitches, “you want me to cum, inside you?” his cock is leaking with pre-cum now, painfully hard in his hand. His chest is heaving.

“Yes yes yes! ” You plead, “I want you, please! ”

“I don’t understand.” He breathes, and you whimper as his fingers slip out of you, “How could someone be so desperate for my pathetic seed?”

“Fill me up , Komaeda!” You exclaim, at this point you are long past embarrassed. The words leaving your mouth are the absolute truth and there is no way you can deny them.

He groans at that, an octave deeper than you are used to hearing and it seems he is having trouble denying you. His own desperation mingling with yours and overtaking his painful self-doubt, he wraps a hand around the base of his cock, and slowly edges the swollen head against your entrance, “f-fuck…” he mutters as he slips inside you, “you’re so warm .”

You can barely even register what you are saying anymore, it’s little more than a string of compliments about how good he feels inside you. About how handsome he is. Your tongue feels weird and loose in your mouth from overuse, but you still can’t stop talking.

He looms above you, halo of white hair bouncing as he thrusts in and out of you, the unmistakable jangle of the chain hanging from his jeans. All things that confirm it is Komaeda inside of you. Your heart races with the fact.

“Th-thank you, for permitting me to do this with you.” He stammers, sweat slowly dripping down his brow, “it’s...so good...it feels like I belong inside you. ”

A moan rips through you, and you hook your weak ankles around his waist, “you do belong inside me. You fit so perfectly , I was made for your cock. GOD I sound so filthy…..I- I can’t help it.”

“ No.” He hisses, eyes meeting yours, “Keep talking.”

“You say that like I can stop.” You dip your head lower, and wrap your lips around his left collarbone, moaning as you suck hard enough to leave a bruise. He keens above you, hips snapping against yours even faster, “Your hip bones are digging into my thighs…”

He squeezes his eyes shut, “I-I’m sorry, do you want me to-“

“Don’t you dare stop, Komaeda. You’re mine , I want to feel every inch of you.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

You bring a shaky hand up to his cheek, he nuzzles into your palm, “You aren’t hurting me. It feels wonderful.”

He kisses you then, messy and wet, his lips taste like desperation. Even with his tongue tangled with yours, you are still trying to speak. Sweet nothings, forceful demands, anything and everything that comes to mind is trying to force its way out of your mouth. Something is in the pit of your stomach is twisting tight and you moan greedily into the cavern of his mouth as his hips meet yours again. You can feel that he’s losing his rhythm.

“S-sorry. I’m...im close…” A moan rips from his throat and he buries his face in your neck.

Your hips have started canting up to meet his, you want so badly to be close to him, to feel all of him, “M’close to. I love having you inside me, i want to do this again and again and-”

Komaeda freezes, eyes turning to the door on the other side of the room. Footstops.

“Who is it? Did they hear? Are there going to come in? What do you think they’re going to do if they see you inside of-”

Komaeda covers your mouth with his palm. You’re still talking, but at least it’s muffled now. Kuzuryu and Hinata are chatting in the hallway, the footsteps seem only to be growing closer. You can't stop thinking terrible, horrible things, and while Komaeda’s hand keeps you quiet enough that they can't seem to hear you from outside, Komaeda can definitely hear you.

“I wanna keep going.”

His eyes are blown wide, but you feel the tell-tale throb of his cock inside of you, “ What?! ” he hisses, “there’s no way you can keep quiet like this...they’ll definitely hear us.”

“I don’t care if they hear us, I want them to hear us. I want them to know what you’re doing to me.”

His hips twitch, and he bites his lip hard to keep in a moan, “You're not ashamed to be seen intimately with someone as despicable as me?”

You coo at him, running your index finger down the front of his throat and over the mark you left on his collarbone, he tentatively removes his hand from your mouth and pushes some sweaty hair away from your forehead, you smile, “I’m not ashamed of you. I’m in love with you.”

Komaeda sucks a breath in through his teeth, and it is only then that you realise what you have said.

“Oh GOD. I didn't - I'm so sorry.” your eyes are wide, you’re ready for him to jump up and bolt out of the room, “I just thought it and then i said it, and jesus christ im so sorry-”

You’re cut off by his lips. The kiss is gentler, less desperate, but filled with the depth of passion. He starts thrusting in and out of you again, and you gasp in surprise at the feeling. He pulls away from the kiss, and rests his forehead against yours, his breathing heavy as one of his hands slips down under your knee. He pushes your leg up higher and you choke on a moan at how much deeper this new angle feels.

A high-pitched whine leaves his throat as he continues moving inside of you, he swallows, “I...I love you too.”

“Aaah... ahhh .” You’re so close at this point, the coiling in your stomach is about ready to snap, “I love you so much, I want your cum, please! ”

“I’ll give it to you, I...hah...I’ll fill you up...is that what you want?”

His hand slips down to your clit and you shriek , clenching hard around his cock, “Yes, yes, yes! I’m close...i'm so close…”

“I’m gonna...I...I…”

A moan rips through you as your climax finally hits, for the first time this day your mind is void of thoughts. All you can do is feel . Your fingers dig into the bedsheet under you, and your legs tighten around Komaeda’s waist. He writhes and moans above you,  he just keeps going, harder and harder and harder, and then, with a heavy groan you feel him release inside of you.

“Thank...you…” you mutter, “thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you…”

Before Komaeda has a chance to say anything in return, someone clears their throat on the other side of the door. The two of you freeze.

“Are you two done?” Hinata asks, he sounds exasperated.

Komaeda clears his throat, “Um...yeah...pretty much.”

“His dick is literally still inside of me! Maybe give us a few minutes!” You wince at the blunt sentence that just left your mouth, Komaeda is clearly trying not to laugh, you huff “Sorry Hinata! I can't help it!”

This disease was going to be the death of you.

#komaeda x reader #nagito x reader #komaeda nagito x reader #my writing #danganronpa x reader #danganronpa fanfiction

[tailorvizsla]

You didn't think I wouldn't ask for some Boba Fett though now did you? (Of course not, he is the new shiny for me iuwhei) ✨ HC Of my Choice... What about having your first kiss with Boba and he doesn't #know it is your first one till part-way through or after? Am I projecting? Yes, yes I am.

Title: HC – Boba Fett and First Kiss Pairing: Gender neutral Reader x Boba Fett Word Count: ~1700 Rating: PG-13 Warnings: Boba Fett is a grumpy bastard, but you hold your own against him. Boba also gets injured, but there aren’t any graphic descriptions of the injuries. Author’s Notes: Okay, my Angle, I’ve been thinking about this one for as long as it’s been sitting in my inbox. I’m not familiar with Boba Fett’s character, so I wanted to make sure this was good for you. So, without further ado, here we go with the Big Green Grumpy Jerk who has somehow inexplicably charmed his way into my heart with a few gruff comments.

Tagging @princessbatears because chaos? :>

📚 My Master List 📚

Boba Fett isn’t a man of many words. It’s not that he’s shy or anything – he just doesn’t like talking to people beyond what is necessary. He has worked alone his entire life, so the sound of others’ voices just sort of grates on him. He especially does not like being crowded by people.

So, one day, while doing his thing, he ends up injured. It’s not even due to combat. His jetpack just…sputters out. His beskar’gam turns what should have been a fatal fall into a very painful one. He knows he has broken a lot of bones, but Boba refuses to die like this. He crawls his way back to his bike, calls for medical aid, and prays to the Maker that someone in town will come help him.

You are the only person who does come to help him. Most other people are too afraid of the Imperial remnants to work with a Mandalorian. Others are too afraid of Mandalorians to work with a Mandalorian. You? You are not afraid of much. He is not sure if you are brave or stupid. After splinting the worst of the damage, you get him onto the bike and get him back into town. It is at this point that Boba finds himself leaning toward thinking you are stupidly caring and trusting.

You inject him with bacta – the good kind that makes him giggly, sleepy, and numb – and get to work. When he wakes up, he’s wrapped in an annoying number of casts and splints, but at least he’s still alive. However, you then give him the bad news: the fall has damaged many of the delicate nerves in his back. If he fails to undergo physical therapy, there is a real chance he may never walk again. He’s no medical expert, but when he looks at the scans you took, he knows you aren’t lying.

So, Boba resigns himself to having to deal with you on a regular basis. The first physical therapy exercises are simple, yet they exhaust him to the point where he just passes out. As the days go by, he starts putting up the walls to keep you out. (Spoiler alert: you manage to find your way through the cracks in the wall, annoying him with barely any effort on your behalf.)

Now, under ideal circumstances, this shitshow would end with Boba Fett getting back on his feet, paying you handsomely for the amount of time you have spent getting him put together, and going back to bounty hunting, never to think of you again. But of course, the universe throws an even bigger wrench into his carefully thought-out plans. Someone finds out that you’re taking care of him and a whole bunch of angry townspeople converge on your little clinic. He grabs you and the two of you run. The last thing you see is your clinic going up in flames. (Boba can’t believe the shortsightedness of these people – they’ve driven off their only competent medical professional. What are they going to do next? Kill their only competent mechanic? Di’kute, every last one of them.)

And so, the two of you go off on a merry adventure, annoying the absolute shit out of each other on a regular basis. Boba especially is concerned at how easily you have managed to find every single weak point in his defenses – physical, mental, and emotional. You are a fair shot with your blaster, so when he got fresh with you that one time, telling you that your ass looked downright edible in the trousers you had borrowed from him, you drew your blaster and fired a shot off at his feet. He laughed so hard his bucket nearly fell off. (You are not sure if you are disturbed that he finds being shot at amusing. He does scold you a bit, but you do notice that he does not talk about your ass anymore.)

With your knife? You’re lethal, and he learns that the hard way when he fails to announce his presence behind you. One moment Boba is reaching to touch your shoulder and the next moment, he’s got your elbow in his face and your penknife embedded in his flak vest. Fortunately, the blade’s too short to cause serious damage, but he does not let you forget that you kriffing stabbed him when he was only trying to ask you what you wanted for dinner.

Even though Boba would rather cover himself in tiingilar sauce and crawl back into the sarlacc pit headfirst than ever admit it, the two of you make a damn good team. He goes off to hunt bounties, you stay in town to provide your medical services for a fair fee. Sometimes, when your services are not needed, you’ll hang back at the ship and do some basic accounting to keep him within his budget.

Boba grumbles when you ask to accompany him on a hunt, but he figures you really do need to learn how to defend yourself if anything should happen to him. When the two of you were surrounded by goons, you naturally fell into place behind him, your back to his, covering his shebs while he provides the heavy firepower. When the numbers are thinned to something more manageable, he sets you loose on them, letting you practice your knife skills. And by the Maker, he is impressed with how much you have improved since the last time you stabbed him.

Between hunts, you get his shebs back into fighting shape. Hell, he thinks he’s even better than he was before. The exercises you insist on forcing on him have made him more flexible than he was before, and his bones no longer creak first thing in the morning. One particularly hot, muggy day, you try to make him drink that vile green vegetable concoction you call a smoothie. Smooth his shebs, there are chunks in that liquefied animal feed. Sometimes he wonders if you’re trying to kill him on purpose.

(You don’t know this, but Boba has already arranged for everything in his possession, ships and banking accounts included, to be transferred to you in the event of his death. Hell, he has even started negotiating with a friendly Tribe to make sure you have a home to go to and your pick of their warriors for marriage, should you be interested. Boba justifies it this way: the last time his jetpack mutinied, he ended up several hundred thousand credits in debt to you by his estimation. By ensuring you have a safe place to go, and a family ready to welcome you, he can offset the immeasurable debt he owes you. It hurts to think of this, but Boba genuinely cannot bear the thought of you being alone in this cruel galaxy, the same way he had been when he was a child. So, if he ever does piss you off to the point where you off him in his sleep, you’ll be fine.)

You keep pushing and pushing, insisting that he needs B-vitamins or some other bantha-shit he’s sure you’ve made up for the sole purpose of annoying him. When you start going on about macronutrients and essential vitamins, Boba loses it. He tosses his cutlery down and goes stomping off toward the cockpit. You follow him, blathering on and on about the last blood panel you had pulled – HDLs, LDLs, and a whole slew of acronyms later, he loses it. Rather than snap at you, he shuts you up the only way his poor sleep-deprived brain can come up with.

Boba pushes you up against the wall, gently to avoid hurting you. You don’t seem at all phased. In fact, you start waving the paper at him as you try to draw his attention to his sodium levels. Boba leans in and presses his lips to yours. You finally stop talking, your entire body going stiff in response. He takes a moment to nibble along your lower lip before parting your lips with his, tongue probing a bit deeper in, and you still aren’t responding. Boba draws back and stares down at you. You’re wide-eyed and clearly in shock.

He leans in again. This time you respond clumsily, your hands clutching at that stupid piece of paper. He gently wrestles it out of your grasp and crumples it up. Then he tosses it over his shoulder, not caring where it lands. He cups the back of your head and deepens the kiss. Still, you’re not responding the way he wants, so he draws back.

“What, never been kissed before?” he asks.

Before he can say anything else, he realizes that that was your first kiss. While Boba has never wanted to be anyone’s First Anything, he realizes that he wants to make an exception for you. There’s no one in this entire galaxy who can annoy the shit out of him in one breath and then worry about his health in the next. You are his little baar’ur. After you have wormed your way under his plating and so selfishly made yourself a fixture in his life without his permission? Oh, no, no, you are not going anywhere.

He cuts off your stammering with another kiss. He takes this one slow, moving your hands to where he wants you to touch him – one at his nape, the other at the small of his back, right over that spot that makes his knees weak.

This time, you respond. Slowly, hesitantly, but as you grow more confident, your hands begin to stray. You worm your fingers up the back of his shirt and dig your nails into the sensitive skin there, making him gasp in pleasure. Then you dig your fingers into his long hair and tug lightly, earning a low growl from him. You freeze and stare up at him with wide eyes until he leans back in.

Fortunately, your big smart science brain learns his likes and dislikes very quickly. When he finally pulls away, he finds that he really likes what he sees – your shirt’s rumpled, your hair is sticking up, and your lips are red and swollen from his kisses. Then and there, he makes a vow to make sure you always look like a mess.

(Spoiler alert: quite a few more of your firsts happen right here in the cockpit.)

#star wars #boba fett #boba fett x reader #boba fett x gender neutral reader #boba fett x you #first kisses #implications about first times #asks #my angle is so good to me #i love this grumpy green butthole already

[artstorieshusbandos]

Tale of Two Tragedies-Theo's route (Ikemen Vampire) **spoilers**

Tragedy #1 Exhibit A

I honestly half expected him to haul off and draw a masterpiece in the tavern notebook. Not because he's a Van Gogh but because there's almost no way someone with his appreciation for art , his eye for it and his hardcore determination wouldn't have managed to at least be drawing on the side for enjoyment.

This scene would have gone down a little differently if I had actually been in MC's place. MC, it seems, doesn't do art. I've been at least scribbling since I was a kid that figured out I could rub the paint off my toys onto the wall. I would not have noticed the notebook on the counter, but ever since we left the private gallery earlier I'd been dying to ask him if he'd ever done any art. I daydreamed about asking while I was waiting for my tickets to replenish Why?

This isn't the voice of someone who doesn't want to do art.

Usually when someone tells me they can't draw I find out one of 3 things. They either don't really want to draw or at least they have other things they'd much rather put their time into which is fair. They actually can draw but have fallen into the trap of undervaluing their own work which may or may not be a result of comparing their work to the work of others. Then there's the third crowd that has the desire to do it, puts in the time but can't get anywhere because they are trying to draw from their left brain.

What am I talking about? I'm sure you may have heard that our brains have two halves and that the left half is connected to logic, mathematics, language, symbolism, ect, and the right brain is associated with imagination, creativity, music, spatial relations, distances, ect. Most of us don't know how that actually relates to someone's ability to draw or paint. The truth is art is something all humans can do to some degree. How good you manage to get is one part the desire to do it, one part putting in the practice and one part how well you can get your left brain to give over control to the right brain.

Vincent and Theo are such wonderful examples of what I'm getting at here with the whole left brain/right brain thing. Vincent is right brain dominant and I know this not because he's a talented artist but because it's a fact that Vincent Van Gogh is left handed. Our dominant hands are opposite our dominant brains. Theo is clearly left brain dominant not only because we can see it in his organizational and business skills we can see how he's talking in the second image where he's trying to draw King. He's thinking about drawing fur and eyes and the components of the dog not the forms. The parts are all named and labeled....this is left brain thinking. Compare it to how he talks when he is observing paintings and pushing the technical aside to just let it speak to him. This is the mode he needs to be in to create but he's trying to attack it with his stronger mode which is his left brain mode. It doesn't matter how much you practice if you are practicing the wrong thing.

The other pitfall he's hit is comparing himself to Vincent. As an artist never ever ever ever compare yourself to anyone but the you from yesterday. There will always be someone "better" than you and "better" will always be subjective. Vincent got a head start being right brained. When his brain reaches for it's stronger side it's going to pull from the correct one automatically.

Maybe at this point you're wondering why I spent so much time analyzing a fictional character in this manner? Honestly it breaks my heart to see him like this and though I know he's fictional I also know there are many many Theo's in this world who have given up because they don't know what's holding them back or that it can be conquered. I wrote this for them.

If this is you and you'd like to see what you're truly capable of do this one really easy exercise. Find a picture of something you'd like to draw. Draw it as best you can. If all you can do is draw a stick then draw that stick. Then take that same image and flip it upside down and draw it again. The reason for doing this is to force the left brain to let the right brain work. The left brain doesn't like to work with anything it can't define and slap a label on. When you flip the image upside down it makes it so the left brain can't properly identify the subject. It has no choice but to shut up and let the right brain work. Compare your two drawings. I was astonished the first time I did this. I no longer have my original upright drawing from the first time I tried this technique but I do have the first drawing I ever did upside down. Here it is.

Granted I had been drawing for years upright already but if you need a point of reference as to where I was in my skill when I started training my left brain to sit down here's another drawing from the same year.

Quite a bit of technical difference.

If this exercise worked for you and you're interested in learning more about how to train your brain for better art this is the book that taught me.

I recommend this book to any artist that hasn't read it. It's been the biggest help I've ever gotten on my journey. I don't know if Amazon is the best place to get a copy or not I didn't price match I just put up the first link I came to so you might want to shop around.

Tragedy #2 Exhibit B

Here is one of the last pieces I completed.

It was done in 2012. That's right.....it's been damn near a decade since I've turned out a completed art piece. It would probably break Theo's heart even more to know that there are people out here like me that have talent and aren't using it while he would love to do it and can't seem to. In fact he'd probably dump my ass if we were actually dating before he found out. I felt guilty before but now it's guilt x 1000. Are any of you out there in the same boat as me? Anyone out there that managed to get out of the rut that might have some tips for me? Maybe I should take some requests? What would you all like to see me draw?

Also if you're interested in seeing more of my stuff my gallery is collecting dust here

Theo has everything he needs to be a great artist. He has the eye for aesthetics, he has the desire and commits himself to everything. In his time psychology is in it's infancy. He doesn't even know yet what he doesn't know. If I was wrong about this and he still couldn't draw after a few training sessions I guess I'd have to start making him paint by number kits. He can pick the subject and the colors I'll map out the design and we'll do it together.

#ikemen vampire #theo #theo's route #artistic talent #spoilers #Art The Universe And Everything

[nightswithkookmin]

JIKOOK AND THEIR SHENANIGANS-pt1

Disclaimer:

This is my opinion and perspective of Jikook. I do not intend nor imply malice by my choice of words or by my interpretations of BTS' contents. Nor do I intend to be disrespectful of any member herein mentioned.

Do not take my words out of context in furtherance of your own agenda. You are the author of your own intentions and interpretations. If you do hold yourself accountable first.

PREFACE

I am done with with Jikook. Lol

I swear to God by the time they officially come out as a couple, if they ever do, I'm going to be left with severe PTSD.

Pray for me.

A lot has happened with Jikook these past few weeks. A devastating lot. Everything was going great and smooth and boom- we were hit with yet another anomaly in their dynamics. It was usual given us most of the things that had happened were entirely new to their dynamics yet not at all surprising in the grand scheme of things simply because unpredictability is Jikook's schtik and as I've come to terms with, part of their dynamics- you'll get used to it if you are new. Welcome to the club. Lol

I have shared snippets of my thoughts here and there on this whole development as and when it unfolded and said I wasn't going to deliver a comprehensive commentary until later so here it is- grab a glass of wine or coffee. It's gonna be long. Bless.

WHY I WAS HOLDING BACK

Contrary to what some people say and assume about me, I don't pull my opinions on Jikook from my ass- a dollar to the jar. Lol. I don't base my perspective on Jikook's relationship and dynamics on puff and nada. Where is the fun in that? I may be delusional about somethings but... Anywho.

I have said time and again how when it comes to Jikook moments there's always context and subtexts we are missing- it's a challenge trying to fill in the gaps. Probably part of the reason I'm obsessed with their dynamics. Lol.

Most of the theories I share with you on here are based on my observations of Jikooks interactions over a period of time. My objective has always been to try and understand the motivations (context) behind their moments and interactions, some of which I find fit a pattern while others- I never want to tackle or even think about without several pain killers and depressants until years later when a piece of content is released to provide better insights into their dynamics.

Jimin's birthday is one such moment for me. While I understood and even predicted JM's use of 5/8 in May this year was going to be a substitute for May 13 because I felt Jikook were not in a good place, were under heavy scrutiny in SK within that time period- starting with that March 30th VLive which I believe had led to a ban on Jikook using the platform on their own(especially Jimin- JK was already under ban but we will get into it later) given as BTS's content had changed drastically with heavy VLive supervision and the pg 13 contents they were made to make post that JM's VLive; then there was rumors of Dispatch's alleged conflict with BigHit, BigHit's IPO, Jungkook's Itaewon scandal- which of course were all confirmed later on that month, I felt the prospect wasn't looking good for Jikook to Jikook as wildly and as openly as they did.

Now you all know about my wild assumption about JM taking space out of their relationship due to JK coming on strong around that time so I'll spare the details.

Contrastingly, post BigHit's IPO, post Soop since Stay Gold era I felt things were looking great for Jikook. They were back to Jikooking. I felt they weren't being monitored as much by their bandmates and had a new found freedom within BigHit to do their own things as it appeared BigHit had begun 'managing' and presenting them as a brand- which I have written dissertations upon dissertations on so I won't get into.

JK and JM had started their online flirty banter thingy, even Dispatch seemed good with Bighit posting BTS official photos etc. Jimin too posted for JK on his birthday, JK came out on social media to gear up for JM's birthday and then puff- ashes. We hit a wall.

Now I know some people are speculating there was too much attention on Jikook within this time frame which is why JK didn't post- uhhmm, I don't buy it that view. There's always attention on Jikook. It's usually the negative attention like around March-June that holds them back from Jikooking. In opinion. I wouldn't call the attention they are or were getting within that time period negative.

Then there were some who speculated JK wasn't going to post because he hadn't posted for any of the members since Jin's birthday last year which again I didn't buy into. Jk is fearless and doesn't shy aware from making bold expressions of his love for Jimin. Him posting for Jimin would have been a bold move but nothing exactly new.

We've seen his GCFs. Enough said.

Personally, I felt he had showed up on social media a few days to JM's birthday to promote his music but to also prepare the grounds for when he posts on Jimin's birthday.

I genuinely felt he was gonna 'out' Jimin with that post and have people raising all kinds of brows like they did with GCF Tokyo, Saipan and Helsinki. Lol

Why did I think he was going to do this?

DECEMBER 4TH 2019

Jin's birthday. Now I have given y'all the back ground to this timeline and so I will just hit the highlights- Rosebowl, New Jersey VLive, JK getting drunk on his Jun VLive which I felt led to a ban on him from making solo live on VApp since 2019 to date- his recent Solo live was on YouTube mind you.

Prior to this I felt he and JM had earned a ban from making a VLive together until their 2020 VLive which was heavily monitored as I have speculated in past posts- again this is just my opinion.

JK, I felt, was being 'reckless' within this period. He was making bold moves and pushing the boundaries of his relationship with Jimin and even teasing the gates of the glass closet they are in. It certainly didn't help that the You too movement in S.K and the whole Idol sex abuse scandals in Kpop was on going as I've mentioned before-which had led to August's issues. Again you know my theory on the whole tattoo girl scandal so skipping.

October we had the whole cancel Jikook hashtag trending after Jikook's performance of I still want you and the whole you are me, I am you schtick.

In all of this I felt Jikook were fine.

November is when I noticed Jikook having 'issues' in their relationship (rolling my eyes at Silver) lol. Now again I won't go into all of that but you can check the real time contents/ behind scenes content on BTS around the time period and draw your own conclusions on that.

Then came the December ups and downs, JM flinching and dropping his face when JK went to sit by him in Jin's VLive- JK's awkwardness around Jimim. Now I know some people interpret this Live as that they were fighting? I won't call it fight fight perse. Lol. Issues, perhaps?Just seemed to me JM wanted to keep a low profile because again they were under heavy public scrutiny around the time which was what I feel was causing RM to keep an eye on them throughout that period- by keeping an eye on them I mean he was invoking the spirit of Jesus between them Pentecostal style. Bless him.

But seems JK wasn't having none of that, clearly. Lmho. There were already alot of restrictions on him since June in the way he used social media(Vapp) he and JM were not allowed to VLive together, he couldn't solo Vlive no more and now he couldn't even sit right with his man- I approve of the frying pans Jk. I APPROVE. Lol.

All this is my opinion of course.

But I think that is what he meant when he kept saying it's been a while he did a solo live and didn't even know how to do one anymore in his recent YouTube live- Jk can be passive aggressive in that way but we will get into that YouTube live in a bit. Hang in there.

So with all this going on I felt I understood him when he missed Jin's birthday on Twitter. Felt like a silent protest to me. But then again I thought perhaps it was just an impulsive act on his part.

Then he missed Tae's Birthday too and I thought hold on- this man is up to something. He was gonna a statement with that in retaliation to all the ban and sanctions and interferences with his personal life.

I was just following this whole drama with anxious glee towards a big reveal and then- cricket's ass ass deadass. Chilee. This man is cruel! Lol. I'm gonna need therapy to process this one on god! Lol JK!

My Right brain said perhaps, others had been right after all and he hadn't done all of that missed birthdays on purpose at all but had only acted impulsively in the heat of the moment given everything that had been going on with the group in around Jin's birthday- Mama 2019, we all know what had happened.

I felt perhaps, the moment he missed Jin's then he had to miss everyone's because if he wished any other person a happy birthday people were going to ask questions. People were going to assume he hated whoever he didn't wish a happy birthday.

But then my left brain- the crazy delulu side, also thought otherwise. I had a funny feeling that JK really intended to post only for Jimin on his birthday since he had been gearing up for it and that the only reason he wouldn't go through with it was if JM had asked him not to.

Why would JM do that? Because he enjoys the glass closet- he loves to flex his bond with JK, tease their relationship, claim his man, he wants people to know JK is his man because he is happy with him and proud of the man that he is but that doesn't mean he is ready to come out as LGBTQ plus. In my opinion.

JK I feel was done hiding the moment he posted GCF in Saipan- he gets right with us. Bless him.

JK often weaponizes their 'secret' against Jimin and hold's it over his head sometimes- so often when Jimin is on his Kumbaya agenda with the group taking their sides on things relating to their relationship JK switches on him and tries to expose Jimin- if you're just gonna help them burn us, I'm just gonna blow the whole operation out in the open and we are all going down. Chilee!

God, I felt Jk was going to expose Jikook for real! 🤣 Don't mess with JK and his Jimin- even Jimin himself gets burns sometimes.

Remember when JK threatened to expose a picture of himself with a hickey if JM didn't stay and do a VLive with him? Remember that? JK scares me for real when he is on his Jikook agenda! Lol

I felt he knew exactly what he was doing just as he knew exactly what he was doing with Saipan and editing of Helsinki. He just reiterated it in his recent live- which we will get into soon. He pointed out how he had gone to ask the members to describe the feelings they wanted to express through the MV he directed.

He admitted yet again in that live how he expresses his feelings, HIS FEELINGS, through his art and music- for all those who keep saying you can't tell JK loves JM just because he doesn't do the things JM does. Lmho.

And so I was heavily confused by these two conflicting theories in my brain. Which is why I kept saying I didn't want to jump into conclusions, that I was going to need more content yadda yadda yadda.

Which brings me to my resolution for JM's birthday saga.

POST JIMIN'S BIRTHDAY

Jimin enjoys been treated special. It's part of his love language. Jk has always treated him like he is special to him. And I know people claim it's just a birthday post- sure. But I understand also that Jimin doesn't Joke with his birthday. His father doesn't Joke with his birthday and clearly neither does JK- given as even before they all started the exchanging of gifts culture that he was giving presents to JM and JM alone within the group.

Besides, he's said he reads the members birthday messages to him on social media and have gone ahead to read some of them on his birthday Vlives in the past. So I can't say JK not posting was nothing.

My resolution was simple. I was going to examine their interactions post Jimin's birthday to see if their dynamics had flipped to see if JK not posting for JM's birthday had in anyway affected their relationship.

If JM's birthday meant something to him. Jk was going to make it up to him- openly. Deadass but in my opinion. Lol.

That's one aspect of Jikook's dynamics you can always count on- hopefully. Lol.

They have a way of reassuring eachother of their love and affection. And I don't know what happened to put the fear of God in both of them but lord are they both scared of pissing the other off! Jesus! Not sure if it's the whippery but damn- they are both crazy for that.

For instance, take JinMin's VLive right before the New Jersey Vlive. JM posted immediately after their live had ended to say he is sorry and loves JK on Twitter. And y'all saw him when JK panned to him on the bed? I've never seen a man so terrified of another man in my entire shipping life- Manila must have put the fear of JK in him, which THANK GOD! lol. Jimin plays too much. Lmho.

Never knew a hyung needed permission from a dongsaeng to leave a room until that day. Chileee! Jin had pulled a prank on JK too but I didn't see him wetting his pants and blowing kithes to JK- come at me with Jinkook is real, see what happens. Lol

Then GCF in Tokyo! I know to some it seemed like a random act of confession on JK's part but boy did he have motivation! He don stressed JM out to the ends of the world with those weird ass rumors (again not gonna mention it because it's very controversial 'saesangs' nature) if you know good for you but chilee you didn't hear it here. Lol

Then there was that whole photoshoot and JM looking like he wanted to kill JK lol right around August 2017. Which I have discussed in one of my blog posts. I think it's in a lot of jeonlous. I'll link it later- if I find it.

Then the almighty 2019 Tattoo Girl scandal, I'm not talking about the August scandal. I'm talking about the one on JM's birthday last year which launched the severe 'I am sorry' hashtags in JK's post on JM's birthday. In my opinion definitely.

The Tattoo girl's shop had wanted until Jimin's birthday, almost a month after the incident, to release a statement which blew up the incident again and almost overshadowed JM's birthday.

Chilee, the delulu in me felt that was intentional. They just wanted to hurt JK by ruining his man's birthday for him- never let him forget. Lol. These evil masterminds. Chilee!

In my opinion. Please.

My point is, JM and JK do make out in efforts to fix their relationship. And usually, I find whoever is in the wrong takes the most initiatives- not to say all the GCFs was because of a fight. Personally I take Saipan and Helsinki more seriously than Tokyo. Just saying.

And of course we all saw JM fly all the way from Paris on JK's birthday- talk of grand gestures and extending Olive branches. Chilee, I'm single!

I was going to wait till I could see who was reassuring who after JM's birthday to see who was in the 'wrong' know what I mean? Like who is putting in more effort to let us know they are a thing?

After their March/May shenanigans that was JK with the thirst traps and shit on Weverse, which brought JM around and he started opening up taking initiatives of his own like in the Dynamite MV reaction VLive.

Afterwards it all seemed pretty mutual to me and they were vibing. Jikook was a Vibe. Sigh.

THE PHOTOSHOOT SAGA

Now I know some people assert they don't see the 'tensions' in that behind the scenes photoshoot but we would have to agree to disagree on that because I saw that as tension between Jikook as I explained in my last post.

Jk walked right past and around Jimin without a word- chileee. JM was 'extroverted' with everyone but Jk- chilee chileee. This is weird as fuck. Lmho.

Prior to this shoot I had my eyes on Tae, RM Jk due to the Twitter war that I felt was going on between them in the days leading up to the concert. If they had anything to do with JK not posting on JM's birthday it was gonna leave trails.

Jk loves everyone but fuck with his relationship with his man and you're- poor Namjoon. Lol.

I refrained from discussing the photoshoot video or conceptualizing a theory around it because for the love of me I couldn't tell who was mad at who in that footage.

They all seemed equally mad to me. Jk had his usual don't fuck with my man mood on with that glare he gave RM causing RM to back away from JM and that attitude he gave Jin right after- which I have already speculated on in my last post.

The stare down contest between him and JM was equally nerve wracking and reminded me of that interview stare down contest between Jikook around Manila.

And I know I mentioned the 'elite' squad backing up Jimin in that moment. Chilee, I was too tired to explain that term because I had been writing for a whole day nonstop but that is the term I give to RM, Hobi, Jin as the hyungs/ elders who enable JM's shenanigans most often in the group.

JK usually pans them down when he and JM are going at it.

I feel Tae, JK, Suga are the ones that stay on JM's neck and calls his bull the most out of all the boys- Y'all don't wanna know what I call them. Lol. Perhaps, I should call them Silver? Chilee, girl don stayed my neck, put the fear of Moses in me! Lol

It felt as if, whatever the problem was, they both had an interest at stake in that moment in my opinion and they were battling it out. Besides, 5 days had gone by and for the love of me I had no idea why that mood was still persisting especially if it had anything to do with Jimin's birthday.

But I understand JM had been away with his family after the concert and had spent his birthday with his family so perhaps they couldn't resolve things within that time period. And JK it seemed had also thrown himself into work from what he said on his YouTube Live, filming and directing and shit- good for him. JM's wedding suit won't buy itself. Lol

So now the Jikook Solo lives.

JIKOOK SOLO LIVES

Now y'all know I was waiting for this one. I told y'all I was waiting to see how BTS interacted with the VApp post Soop. Y'all know my conspiracy theory on this- the whole Jikook were banned from using it, JK was banned after his last VLive in June last year and how JM was banned in March this year after JK intercepted Jin's call and asked him on a date and said the whole I love you kithes thingy- they are trouble.

Then I talked about how JK had been trying to rebel in retaliation, the whole team up with Tae to expose BigHit on Weverse after their live.

I don't think much has changed in that regard. He still didn't do his Live on the VApp and through out his YouTube live he kept hinting at how BigHit had sabotaged his passion- he claimed he had lost his passion for GCF( at least that's how I took it) and that GCF felt more like work than something he did out of passion.

He threw jabs here and there at BigHit complaining about how he didn't even know how to do them Live logs anymore because it had been a while he did them- the lies Jeon Jungkook ne spilling! You was on a live with RM not too long ago what do you mean it's been long! *smirk.

Jimin did the same thing too but in a more subtle way I feel. He kept saying how he didn't know his way around the app, how the staff had set it up for him and JK said the same thing-but more aggressively. Lol.

It seems JK was just going to turn on the Live, keep it business and yeet himself out of there- just like people want him to do(to be professional and not expose his relationship- chileee, JK is that too much to ask? Sigh.

JK is really passive aggressive like the Silver Squad- see what I did there? Lol. Tae and Suga have taught him well. It's that control thingy, I feel. He hates it. He hates when he is controlled by anyone- except Jimin apparently.

He really enjoys and wants the freedom to do what he wants- rather dead than cool. Chilee! It's how he was raised I believe. He is a very independent free spirited individual, I keep saying.

All that, "it's awkward' 'it's been awhile I did this' yea he ain't slick. *smirk.

Another interesting thing I noticed is how both him and JM tried to keep the other's name out of their mouths- well Jimin tried. Dude couldn't help himself bless him.

I just think they have been cautioned to keep a really low profile on the app especially in regards to how they use the app, what they share on the app- no eye fucking, no weird tensions staring into eachother's souls, no I love you's in the background and certainly NO BONERS!

All in all, my impression of those two Lives was that- Jimin had baited BigHit when he posted that 'see you soon on VApp.' In my opinion.

I think he did that to force BigHit's hands. Jk did the same with his 'I can't do live logs on my own now' statement.

Jimin had put BigHit in a tight corner when he read that 'I miss Jungkook' comment. And the way he kept it pushing afterwards- the next day BigHit was like, y'all this is Simba. Hair slicked back and all. Take him. Lol.

I keep saying the one thing BigHit is scared of is a scandal. They really don't want people asking certain questions that's going to make them look bad especially towards their artists- in my opinion. BigHit please it's my opinion. Let the records show. Lol.

And as I keep saying, BTS and even Jikook have a way of weaponizing their social media Influence against BigHit- that nearly 9 million viewers Jimin read out on his VLive certainly gave BigHit a push to call out JK. Lol.

Personally, I was curious as I said earlier as to how that VLive was going to be live. Whether it was going to be monitored heavily like their lives were after the March 30th incident.

I was curious to see if he would appear on YouTube or VApp. As it stands, it seems whatever ban was placed on JM from having Solo Lives on the App has been lifted

And it seems he was fighting for his man too in the most kumbaya way possible- Jimin! Lolololol. He is hilarious. Bless him

I just hope JK doesn't call in on JM's future VLives again to ask him on a date- again cos damn that would chaotic. Lol.

It's crazy to me how people still look at JK and ask if he loves JM at all- damn if he isn't carrying their relationship on his back!

It seems for now he still isn't allowed a solo VLive on the App and from the Way he kept saying he couldn't do a log alone it seems he is pushing to have that freedom to have a VLive with JM again- I don't know. I might be delulu. Lol

As to whether JK was the wrong party for not posting on JM's birthday I still don't know. Would have to observe their interactions a bit more.

So far from their lives the only one who was making efforts to feed us was Jimin with the whole 10/13 Mickey Mouse thingy which we all know is reference to Jikook.

If my hypothesis is right, JM would be coming out here with heart eyes, clinging to JK, making all the efforts while JK has the mood he had during the On era again- acting like he not whipped but he whipped- bless him.

Sigh.

All that being said, this is just my opinion. I'm just sharing my thoughts and observations. I am not calling anyone to action. I am not instructing anyone on what to do with my opinion, to hate on BigHit, or any of the members mentioned in here.

If you are not an adult, and can't reason like an adult do not sit at the adult table. Immaturity is not a bar to freedom of expression.

CONCLUSION

When it comes to Jikook, I always feel JK has put in so much effort into his relationship with Jimin to squander all that effort over something as silly as a birthday post.

Jikook have both worked through a lot, come a long way in their love journey to let petty issues undo all the efforts they've both put into eachother.

If JM's birthday is an issue for JM, JK would have made it right by now. All it takes it one simple post to fix it. And he has taken much bolder steps in the past to chicken out now.

And if Jimin is the one holding JK then- dude better prepare another Paris trip to placate his man because JK about to pout him to death. Lol.

As I said I have a feeling things are good between them now. I just want to see more of their interactions.

Keep supporting Jikook.

Signed,

GOLDY

#jikook #jikook analysis #kookmin analysis #jikooktheories #kookmintheories #kookmin #jikook scenarios #jikook is real #goldy blogs #goldy theories #goldy analysis #nightswithkookmin #support Jikook #goldy #bts Jimin #bts Jungkook #bts ships

[narumi-gens]

ukai decides to propose. you've already talked about it, you KNOW you want to spend your lives together, he knows hopes you'll say yes.

(his heart might never recover if you don't)

so he goes about buying a ring. he steals a ring of yours when you're asleep for sizing purposes. selecting a ring wasn't as hard as he'd thought it would be — he knew his budget, he knew what you liked (he's known you your whole life). so he goes out and buys a pretty little silver band inlaid with three tiny diamonds. it's a little heavy on his wallet, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. you deserve nice things.

then came the planning of the actual proposal. this was, he realized, significantly harder than he'd thought it would be.

maybe he should keep it simple? dinner followed by a walk under the stars. he'll get down on one knee and—no. isn't that too cliché? he can do better.

an elaborate treasure hunt throughout your house? maybe he can make up clues based on all the memories you've made together: eating dinner on the floor the first night of moving in because the dining table was too hard to assemble, or learning the importance of separating whites and colours when your favourite white blouse comes out the washing machine stained a murky blue because of that damn t-shirt of his. or something to do with that time you'd had a stomach bug and he'd nursed you through it, staying by your side even after you'd thrown up on him.

no, he decides, it'd be bad if you couldn't connect the clues to these events. besides, he's no literary genius. coming up with elaborate prose for the clues is not a task he considers himself capable of.

then what?

ukai is standing in the karasuno gym, thumbing at the ring box sitting snugly inside his jacket pocket. he'd taken to carrying it around with him after you'd almost stumbled upon the ring hidden behind the plants you'd insisted on keeping in the house.

he's exhausted his creativity racking his brain for ideas. everything he could come up with seemed too cliché, or too cringey, or just downright stupid. he's suddenly brought back to reality when takeda clears his throat next to him, 'is everything okay?' falling from his lips, tone polite as ever.

fuck, he shouldn't be zoned out during practice. he really needs to put a stop to this. ukai looks at the man standing next to him. maybe he could help? takeda was a poet at heart, after all, so he should be able to come up with a romantic proposal.

ukai confides in him, accepting the congratulatory pat takeda gives him. by now, this little interaction has attracted the attention of the nut more curious of his boys. tanaka, nishinoya, hinata gather around him with kageyama creeping up behind them. he can tell that the other members are listening in too, just not as obviously.

'what's the matter, coach?'

ukai eyes his team. it wouldn't hurt to tell them, right? they don't really come into contact with you all that often, and when they do, it's for brief moments only, when you're popping in to drop off his keys or his wallet that he'd forgotten at home.

'i'm, uh, thinking of proposing. bought the ring and everything, just need to come up with a plan now.'

dead silence echoes throughout the gym before complete mayhem breaks out.

he's being congratulated simultaneously by sawamura, azumane, and ennoshita while tanaka and nishinoya are huddled together on the floor, weeping tears of happiness (at least, ukai thinks they're tears of happiness. you can never tell with these two.) tsukishima goes back to sipping at his drink, while yamaguchi's eyes light up, much like yachi's. shimizu, too, offers him a soft smile and a congratulations before tanaka pipes up.

'can we see the ring?!'

well, they already know, so ukai reckons it wouldn't do much harm to let them see it. he reaches into his pocket and takes out the box, flipping it open to reveal the silver band wedged inside. the team crowds around him, oohs and aahs falling from their mouths. tanaka nods somberly, a finger stroking his chin, as he mutters, "excellent choice, coach. she's going to say yes."

"who's going to say yes?"

fourteen pairs of eyes land on you, holding so many emotions in them, from amusement to sheer panic. you stand at the door of the gymnasium, holding ukai's lunch. he'd accidentally taken yours today, so you thought you could pop in to exchange it and see your boyfriend while doing so. but the scene you happened upon was completely unexpected.

ukai scrambled violently with something in his hands, while takeda looked like he'd seen a ghost. the kid with the goatee was panicky, his eyes flitting around for an escape. the two shortest of the bunch were fidgeting with whatever keishin was holding, apparently trying to help him with it.

keyword: trying.

all the jostling and shoving they did managed to knock the thing out of keishin's hands. you squint as it flies through the air — was that a box? — as keishin desperately tries to get to it before it lands in front of you.

he draws on every single diving receive he'd ever done in his entire life and swoops across the gymnasium, towards you.

he does not get there in time.

the box clatters to the ground in front of you, keishin landing there a second later. you're still stuck trying to process the situation, but you have enough presence of mind to lean down and pick up the box, finally being able to see its contents.

oh. oh.

keishin thumps the ground with his first before he looks up at you, eyes filled with resignation. he's quite the sight - his hair had slipped out of his hairband and his nose was bleeding. yet he drags himself to sit up on one knee.

you've already seen the ring. might as well get it over with.

keishin opens his mouth, ready to launch into an unrehearsed speech, cursing the universe with every fiber of his being for making things turn out this way. but you don't give him a chance to say anything.

his eyes widen before he's knocked to the ground by you flinging yourself on top of him. you're hugging him, face buried in his neck, whispering 'yes, yes, yes, always, a thousand times yes' and suddenly he can't bring himself to care about the awkwardness of the situation.

keishin laughs before sitting up, bringing you with him. he gently separates you from him before taking the ring tightly clutched in your palm and slipping it onto your finger. the whole scene feels a little too intimate for a high school gymnasium, but it's only fair that it happens here, he thinks. after all, this is where he'd realised he loved you, all the way back when you two had been first years.

he blinks back the tears suddenly clouding his eyes and restrains the urge to kiss you senseless right there. the two of you had created enough drama for the day. instead he settles for kissing the inside of your wrist as he laces his fingers through yours, before lifting them up in the air, as if announcing his victory.

the entire gymnasium burst into cheers once again. this time it was asahi and kinoshita in tears while hinata and nishinoya jumped around in joy. takeda was grinning ear to ear when he gave you his congratulations, followed shortly by daichi and sugawara. and you could've sworn you saw the senior manager's eyes flit to the bald-headed boy, a blush coating her cheeks. but that was something for another day.

today, right now, you would celebrate. sure, the proposal had been far from ideal, but keishin was yours and you were his and you found yourself wishing it would be this way forever.

i do not know what this is but this scenario refused to leave my mind unless i wrote it down aaaa

sorry for the long ass ask!! please feel free to ignore i just wanted to share ❄️

....anon....I am SPEECHLESS!!!! what did do to deserve such a wonderful anon who drops such amazing things in my inbox 😭😭 (and while I may be slow to reply bc...life...ugh... don't worry anon, I would never ignore something like this!!!! god, nothing gets me more than dorky, lame, grumpy ukai who's such a sweetheart and so soft and I'm just DYING over this.

everyone be jealous of my amazing anon 💕

(also don't catch me going through all my ukai wips that haven't been touched in a year+. nope, definitely not doing that... 👀)

#long post #anon #haikyuu #ask

[soybeantree]

pairing: johnny x reader

genre/warning: fluff, magic!au

word count: 3k

description: you hated him. his stupid face smiling. his stupid charisma that would always woo the customers - of which you had no doubt was aided by the use of magic. his stupid cousin - that you actually adored and would kill to have him even notice you, but who continuously chose johnny over you for assistance. and most of all you hated how your lungs forgot their one job whenever he was within 5 feet of you.  

a/n: from the essem: rosemary by moonlight universe. not necessary to read that first, but some things may not make complete sense.

"I'd like an iced caramel Frappuccino with low fat milk and a pump of pep. To go." The customer rattles off her order as she approaches the counter, never sparing you a greeting or even a glance. From her clean-cut bob to her khaki shorts and salmon button down, you know exactly how this conversation is going to go.

Contorting your cheeks into your best customer service smile and using your most pleasant tone, you inform her, "I'm sorry ma'am, but any drinks with magical add-ins must be consumed within the cafe."

Now, she glances at you, her wallet poised in her hand as her face falls into what you refer to as the entitled scowl. "Excuse me?"

“Any drinks with magical add-ins must be consumed within the café.” You repeat, despite the fact that you enunciated clearly the first time. To help with any possible confusion, you gesture to the bright golden script at the bottom of the menu which states the same.

The woman scoffs, and you inhale a deep, imperceptible breath. “Why?” Indignation laces the word and colors her cheeks red.

Many reasons. Most of which revolve around negligence and exploitation, but that explanation drags. Reminding yourself that you want this job and have jumped through hoops to get it, you dredge up every ounce of patience in your body. With a smile still in place, you say. “We strive to abide by the standards set forth within the Council’s Magical Charter. I would be more than happy to complete your order, but any drink with magical add-ins must be consumed on property.”

“I-“ You brace yourself for the entitled tirade, but the woman’s face melts into a bewildered smile. A glance over your shoulder reveals the reason. Johnny, your fellow barista, stands behind you, his cheeks pulled back by a swoon worthy grin. 

With a sigh, you step away from the counter and let Johnny work his magic. Quite literally. Johnny, like you, has the skill of enchantment. As a member of the Essem Family, he has had access to training and knowledge all his life. You on the other hand come from a no name family who has one grimoire passed down from generation to generation, and the two-page section on enchantment only works for curing melancholy. 

In moments, Johnny has the woman pacified with an iced caramel Frappuccino with low fat milk and no pump of pep, to go. She sends him another smile before she nearly collides with the door on her way out. After a giggle which Johnny echoes, she is gone, and you’re ready to vomit. 

"Did you add a shot of charm to your coffee this morning?" You ask as you resume your position.

Johnny flashes you a grin while raising a single smug eyebrow. "No, I'm just naturally this charming." You gag as you turn away which elicits a chuckle from him. “What, you don’t think I’m charming?”

“I think you are a talented witch.” You say as you reorganize your station. While leaning over the counter to schmooze the woman, Johnny managed to throw the entire place into disarray. You return the business cards to their holder and the pencils to their cup.

“You really think I’m using magic when I calm irritated customers?” 

A twang in his voice draws your attention back to him. Glancing over your shoulder, your stomach twists. For such a tall man, he can make himself appear so small. His shoulders hunch in as he fiddles with the ties on his apron. The posture throws his long bangs into his eyes, obscuring them from your scrutiny.

The answer to his question is “yes”, but the answer brews from a petty spite which you stoke every time Minseok, the café’s owner and the foremost expert on enchantment magic, chooses him as an assistant over you. The whole reason you strived for a position at the café was to become Minseok’s apprentice, but every day he chooses Johnny to help with his brews. While you enjoy blaming Johnny, you know the favoritism is due to the inclusiveness of the covens. After all, Johnny is Minseok’s cousin. 

“Since when do you care what I think? I thought I was just the hired help.” 

His head snaps up, the ties of his apron forgotten as he gazes into your eyes. The contact cools your spite, and it sours. Your stomach rolls at the discomfort, and you clear your throat and return to your reorganization.  

“Minseok doesn’t hire just anyone to help in the café.”

You know this. You badgered him for a job ever since Johnny told you about his cousin and his café. Minseok had been the sole employee for years after the café’s inception, hiring Johnny only when the café’s popularity grew. Eventually, the work became too much for the two of them, and rather than hire a qualified enchantment witch, Minseok had hired the girl with little-to-no skill who practically lived at the shop.

“Whatever.” You grumble as you throw another pencil into the holder. The force sends the jar spinning. It falls on its side spilling its contents across the counter. With a growl, you reach for the scattered pencils, but Johnny’s long arms reach around you. The pencils disappear into one hand as his other rights the holder before returning the contents. 

You duck out from under Johnny’s unintentional embrace, your cheeks burning. He has to be using his magic. You hold tight to this belief as you breathe to calm your racing heart. 

“Minseok likes having you here. You’re as detail oriented as he is.” Johnny nods to the front and back counters both of which have everything in their place and a place for everything. “I’m pretty certain you’re the only person in the world who understands his organizational method.”

“It’s not that hard. Ingredients are organized first by purchase date and then alphabetical. Supplies are..." You trail off as you catch sight of Johnny’s smirk out of the corner of your eye. “You really expect me not to think you’re using magic when you always seem to know exactly what to say to distract me?”

He shrugs, but his smirk only grows. “There are other reasons, I might know that.” Before you can question him further, the bell above the front door jingles. “Duty calls.” He tips his head to you before disappearing back into the brewing room. 

With a deep breath, you shove the conversation from your mind and rattle off the customary greeting as you turn to face the new customer. 

“Good morning, Y/N. How goes the grind?” You blink a moment as your brain registers that your cousin is here. She misses your confusion as she is too busy chuckling at her pun.

"It’s great. How goes your fruitless endeavor to start a school of magic?"

She scowls which brings a genuine smile to your face. "It's not fruitless. It's slow moving because covens are full of stuck up assholes who refuse to share their knowledge because of what? They're afraid it will diminish their power and their prestige. They need to get their heads out of their asses and think about how much better the world would be if we all worked together and shared our knowledge." 

This tirade is as familiar as the Entitled tirade. "And yet, you always get coffee at an Essem café?" You comment as you punch her order into the register.

"Minseok has the best coffee.” She hands you her card. “Everyone in the city knows that. Everyone in the world probably knows it too."

"But you're supporting the coven with the most stuck up assholes." You return the card to her.

"You're working at the coffee shop."

"But I don't have the same issues with them that you do." Not mostly at least. You would appreciate it if Minseok occasionally asked you back into the brewing room. 

She shrugs. “Did you place that order for here or to go?”

“To go?” You raise a brow. 

“I need it for here.”

“Why?” You stretch the word into two syllables. 

“Because I’m staying here.” Rolling your eyes, you adjust the order. "I'm supposed to be meeting up with Yuri." She explains as she checks her watch. "But, she's late as usual."

Your finger pauses above the register as you gawk at your cousin. "Yuri? As in the hedge-witch of the Stahn Family?"

"Yuri is much more than a hedge witch."

"Okay, whatever,” You hold up your hands, stopping whatever tirade she will surely start. “But she’s a Stahn and this is an Essem cafe?"

"Yes,” she crosses her arm, and there is no stopping this coming tirade. “Why is it so hard to understand what me and the Fantagios are trying to do? We want to create a world where people can see beyond their family covens and share knowledge for the benefit of the world."

Leaning forward, you shorten the distance between you and your cousin. The more heated she becomes the louder she gets. The customers have already started to side eye her, and the last thing you need is for Johnny and, especially, Minseok to hear her. "That's great and all. But your dream is not reality and you agreed to meet up with a Stahn on Essem territory. They're basically mortal enemies. This could end in bloodshed, and I could lose my job because I'm related to you."

"Calm down. Yuri wouldn't have agreed to meet here if she was worried for her safety."

You swallow your rebuttal as you hear the hinges of the brewing room door squeak. Your cousin’s eyes grow to the size of saucers, and you wonder why Minseok is delivering her coffee. He rarely leaves the brewing room, leaving all the deliveries to Johnny.

Minseok extends a mug to your cousin who whimpers a “thank you” as she takes it. She sips. Her cheeks flush, but whether that is due to Minseok or the heat of the coffee only your cousin knows. 

“Is it good?” Minseok’s question raises one of your brows. In the year and a half that you’ve been working for Minseok, you have never heard him ask a customer’s opinion of his work. Pink tinges the tips of his ears, and you have to refrain from pinching yourself. Maybe, this whole day has been a dream.

“It’s delicious.” Your cousin, the queen of social justice tirades, simpers.

The nausea from earlier returns as you suffer through the ensuing conversation. Despite your effort to tune it out, you hear Minseok comment on your cousin’s frequent visits to the café. She explains that you’re her cousin, which you wish she would have left out given what is about to happen, and that he makes the best coffee in the city. His whole ears brighten at the compliment, the red creeping into his cheeks. Surely, a customer is bound to come in soon and end this disgusting display of emotions.

“Y/N can keep you company while you wait.”

 Your name snaps your attention back to the conversation. You blink as you search your brain for the lead into the statement but find nothing. “What?”

 “I was telling Uko,” Your cousin must have introduced herself while you attempted disassociation, “that you can take your break early to wait with her.”

“Oh, I mean sure if you’re okay with that.” The look on Minseok’s face screams that he would be okay with anything that your cousin wanted. 

“Go ahead.” He motions for you to be on your way, and with a slight nod, you head into the brewing room which offers the exit into the main area.

Johnny, busy at a cauldron, eyes you as you walk past him and remove your apron. “Where are you going?”

“I’m taking my break.” You say with a shake of your head as you hang your apron on its hook.

A glance at the clock scrunches up Johnny’s face and puffs out his already large lips. “But, your break’s in an hour?”

“Listen,” you say, turning to face him completely. “I don’t know what I just witnessed out there.” You gesture to the door behind which you are certain the uncomfortable situation is continuing. “But, Minseok said go to break, so I am going to break.”

“What did you witness?” Johnny grabs a mortar and pestle from the counter and adds three pinches to his cauldron. A faint smell of strawberries wafts through the room bringing with it the image of sunlight fields and a gentle breeze. He’s brewing happiness. The ingredient he added was green. Was it an herb? A stone? A mixture of different things? “Y/N?”

“What?” Your mind snaps back to the moment as you remember that Johnny did ask a question. “Is your cousin dating anyone?” You ask rather than answer.

Johnny pauses mid-stir and stares at you. “No.” He draws out the word as he slowly starts to stir the cauldron counter clockwise. “Are you asking for a friend?”

Your eyes narrow at his tone. “No, I’m asking because he’s currently flirting with my cousin, and it’s gross.”

“What?!” His whole face lights up, and he nearly spills the cauldron in his haste to reach the door to the order counter. Sprinting across the room, you reach the door before he does and block it with your body.

“What are you doing?” You pant as your lungs struggle to refill.

“Our family, at least the cool people in our family, have a bet going that Minseok has a wife and two kids in hiding or that he is a celibate monk. I bet that he hasn’t found the right one. Now move, so I can prove I was right and win the bet.” He tries to shove you to the side, but you dig your heels in and refuse to budge. “Come on.” He whines, pulling his bottom lip up into a pout.

“If you want me to move, then you had better use your magic because this is already ridiculous enough.” Fortifying yourself for the oncoming attack, you blink in surprise when Johnny steps back with a shrug.

“I don’t need to. I can ask Minseok about it when he comes back here.” He returns to the cauldron. The potion has turned a putrid shade of green, and Johnny hisses as he tries to fix the problem. 

Staying would provide you valuable knowledge, but Minseok has yet to approve your assistance with the brewing. Staying also means you would witness the next installment of this non-thrilling saga.

Minseok and your cousin are still talking when you exit the brewing room into the main area. They probably haven’t even realized how long you’ve been gone or that their conversation was almost interrupted by an overly inquisitive mind.  

“There’s a free table over there.” You bust into the middle of a conversation about magical vs. non-magical cleaning products. 

“Right.” Your cousin looks to you, then back to Minseok. “It was very nice talking with you.” Her smile stretches across her face. “Maybe we could talk more later.”

Minseok’s smile is more subdued than your cousin’s, but it’s more than what you witness on a typical Tuesday. “Yes, I would like that.”

“Minseok.” Johnny’s head pops out of the brewing room. “I need your help with something.” The stench of rotten fruit leaks through the open door. Minseok mutters a quick apology before disappearing into the brewing room. 

You take a seat at the free table, a smug smile on your face. Your cousin is slower to take her seat, her smile still in place. “Is this really the first time you’ve met Minseok?” You ask when she finally settles in her seat.

“Yes,” she answers though her eyes remain on the brewing room door. “He had already graduated when I started high school. I heard about him from the upperclassmen, but they did not do him justice. He is one fine man.”

“Gross. Can you take your thirsty ass and get out of my place of work?”

“You work in a coffee shop, a place where thirsty people are literally supposed to come.” She quips back, finally glancing at you.

“Please, people don’t come to cafes because they’re thirsty. They come to work, socialize, or take aesthetic photos, and maybe sometimes for caffeine.” 

Before she can formulate a rebuttal, the bell above the front door jingles, and in walks the reason for your cousin’s visit. In your disgust, you had forgotten the threat to your job. Panic races through your veins as your attention shifts to the counter. You wish for all the luck in the world, but luck abandons you. Instead of Johnny coming to greet the new customer, Minseok emerges once again. Habit controls him as he smiles and gives the customary greeting. Only after the last word leaves his mouth does recognition register in his eyes. 

"Yuri." The name is a question and a greeting.

The hedge-witch tilts her head a fraction of a degree in the semblance of a nod. "Minseok." She returns the greeting. You wait - breath held, heart racing - for the coming altercation.

"Kyungsoo's been looking for you. He seems to be worried about something. Is everything okay?"

"You can mind your own damn business." She huffs, her arms crossing over her chest.

You flinch, but Minseok chuckles. "I'm merely a messenger."

"Well messenger, you can tell Kyungsoo - and please make this verbatim - 'I'm fine. Thank you. You can suck my dick'."

Minseok jots the message down on his guest check book, glancing up at Yuri when he finishes. "Anything else?"

"No, that's all."

"Would you like to order anything?"

"Hell, no. I'm here to meet with someone." She glances around the shop. 

You shrink down in your chair, hoping to avoid detection, but your cousin shreds that hope. She waves her hand, drawing both of their attention to you two. Minseok’s eyes rest on you for a moment before shifting to your cousin. 

Yuri returns the wave as she walks to your table. "Hey Uko, sorry I'm late. The potion needed to brew a little longer this morning than I anticipated. I blame this muggy weather. It's messing with everything I make. Is this your cousin?" She nods to you as she plunks into the last of the three chairs at your table. Uko nods her head. "Nice to meet you."

"You might not think it's so nice. She works here."

A hiss slips out as Yuri shakes her head. "Why must the young always be corrupted?"

"Don't worry. I might not have a job for much longer." You sigh as you push yourself out of your chair. "Breaks over. I’ll find out soon enough if I do or not."

"Minseok might be an Essem, but he's not going to fire you because you have a connection to me.” Yuri assures you. “If he does though, let me know and I'll kick his ass." Yuri grins, showing all of her teeth, and you chuckle despite the anxieties waging war in your stomach.

Walking back into the brewing room, you grab your apron and slip it on while keeping your back to Minseok and Johnny. With a deep breath, you turn to face them. Johnny stands over the cauldron which is a deep forest green and simmering pleasantly. You breathe in the smell of strawberries and hope the happiness has rubbed off on Minseok who is standing beside Johnny and whispering instructions. 

With a glance up, Minseok pats Johnny on the shoulder and walks towards you. Lifting leaden feet, you meet him by the door to the ordering counter. 

A volley of words waits on your tongue, but they retreat when Minseok asks, “Can you give this to your cousin?” The “this” he is referring to is a folded scrap of paper.

You take the paper, nodding as you slip it into the back pocket of your jeans. “Sure. What is it?”

A small smile lifts his cheeks, and his voice is soft when he says, “My number.”

You choke on your response, and you can hear Johnny chuckling as you attempt to regain your breath. Minseok offers to get you a drink, but you wave off his concern. “What?” You finally manage to get out.

“I forgot to ask for your cousin’s number when we were talking.” He pouts. “I was hoping you would give her mine and tell her she can text me whenever.” 

“Sure.” You pause before asking, “Should I go back to work now?”

“Of course.” His response is instantaneous and a flood of relief washes through you. “And thank you.” He adds, the corners of his mouth quirking up. With a nod, he returns to Johnny’s side. 

Exiting the brewing room, you shake your head. On the plus side, you still have your job. On the negative side, your cousin might start dating your boss which may not be a complete negative but it definitely isn’t a positive.

#hmw #johnny #essem: rosemary by moonight #nct #johnny suh #johnny drabble #johnny drabbles #nct drabble #nct drabbles #g: fluff #johnny fanfiction #nct fanfiction #nct 127

[justcallmemav]

7/20/18

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Pt.20

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“You didn't get along with her, so this shouldn't be affecting you this bad.”

(She saw how you treated me and wanted to adopt me.)

“You trust people too easy, girl.”

( I had known him for 13 years. I built that trust. )

“You put yourself in this situation.”

( I didn't ask for it.)

“I never liked him anyways, trash grew legs and took itself out.”

(I loved him for five years.)

▪▪   ·I love you, mom. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted me to be.

---

▪▪   ·I'm at work I'll message you when I'm off. Ly2.

---

▪▪   ·I could use a call right now.

---

▪▪  ·Can't talk right now, will call tomorrow. You'll be fine for a day.

--------------------------------------------------

▪  You're my best friend. I love you. I can't take it anymore.

---------

▪   I think this is it.

--------------------------------------------------

▪▪▪  Thank you for always loving me unconditionally. You're the greatest sister anyone could ask for. I love you. You're better off without me.

--------------------------------------------------

      You came to visit me two days after i was taken into the hospital on july 20th at 9 o'clock at night.

      I was drinking an excessive amount within the matter of two hours.

     Within the last few minutes of the second hour, I saw the walls of the world around me collapsing.

This is it.

I have nothing left.

     My mind wouldn't rest. I took a xanax but it didn't help ease my mind.

     It sure couldn't mend my broken heart.

                  This was the last time.

It didn't work before.

           It has to work now.

                          So I begged, and I cried.

I prayed to a God I wasn't even sure existed.

Please take me now.

        I want to come home.

                      I think I'm ready now.

JUST TAKE ME NOW. I AM READY. PLEASE FUCKING TAKE ME. I'M READY.

      I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I made the choice to give into my thoughts and my depression. I made the choice to finalize this shit I consider living. This existence. This truly was it. This is the end.

      I let my hands trace their way to my fate. To my drawer. Opening the pill bottle. Where the palm of my hand met my lips to fill my mouth with what I knew would make everything better soon. Next thing I know, my body was lured to the bottle of vodka as it stands at the end of the bed. I wrap my fingers tight around the neck of the bottle, lips to the glass. Down the hatch and into the rabbit hole I go. I feel my body spiral. Down...down...down...down…

                      Boom

                         So bitter.

                        Yet so good.

Was this the only way i could be happy again?

I will reach the numbness I yearn to undergo.

I've heard the rumors.

Does it seem as free as they say?

            Then along came the thump.

                       ALAS~

Nothingness.

Darkness. No voices, no pain, no criticism. Just the echoes of my heart beat.

Thump.. Thump….. Thump….

After what felt like days… the darkness fades steadily. The numbness dissolves like ice through my fingertips.

               Off in the distance I hear something. A cry? A car? A siren? A siren.

I struggle to come to consciousness.

                 I find it nearly impossible.

Then out of the blue, I hear a voice.

                A voice so faint and familiar.

After some time, I can open my eyes half way as I slip back into consciousness.

My vision is hazy. I managed to come to when I hear her voice.

“Cayley, there's some people here who need you to get up and come outside. They need to check on you.”

I see the pigments from the lights spinning on their vehicles, bouncing off of the brick walls on the outside of my home, but it's all blurry.

       I struggled to stand as I stepped through my threshold to go outside.

Who needs to talk to me? About what? Why?

I look up and see two policemen and a paramedic. I begin to hyperventilate.

“Is my dad okay?”

Ma'am, we received a call stating that you may be a harm to yourself, so I ask that you don't resist help. Are you able to follow us to the back of the ambulance, ma'am?

·I haven't done anything and I'm not a harm to myself.

·For your own safety we need to make sure that's true. We can't take risks, miss.

·I'm sorry, please ma'am let go of my arm, I don't need help. GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME I AM FINE.

I hear my father talking to the police officer but couldn't make out what they were saying over dad's coworker crying and all of the sounds around me. I panicked. I heard my dad speaking once more, only this time it was directed at me.

He asked me three things.

“CAYLEY BABY WHAT’D YOU DO?”

“WHAT DID YOU TAKE?”

My hearing began to fade slowly, as I focused on the ringing gradually developing in my head. I could ever so slightly hear the walkie talkies and daddys office keys jingling in his pocket. I heard Sues charm bracelet that she loves so much.

I felt my heartbeat through my chest, as if it was trying to escape. I feel my heart rate descend,  I look up to see what was around me. Everyone was there.

I saw my father crying and shaking.

 I saw his girlfriend crying.

    I saw my father's coworker crying.

          I was embarrassed.

Yet, too weak to care.

I muttered to the medic under my breath;

“I'm ready to go. Ma'am please take me.”

I collapse, but the woman was quick to catch me. She definitely had motherly instincts. Not even 2 seconds after i collapsed, I lose consciousness.

          I woke up in the back of an ambulance. I'm being hovered by two men with papers on clipboards and the medic who stopped me from busting my ass on concrete. They're bombarding me with questions and demands.

“Your oxygen levels are low, ma'am. I need you to inhale and exhale on ten. The oxygen being distributed through the tubes in your nostrils is a bit cold. Just a fair warning. Are you physically capable of removing your tunnels, lip piercing, your engagement ring, and whatever else pierced or on your person that could be a threat to yourself of me?”

“Do I have to take off my ring?”

“Yes ma'am, unfortunately it's code. We'll put it in this bag. It will stay unbothered. Please remove your piercings.”

Shortly after I began hyperventilating because I couldn't stop crying, and boom.

All consciousness was lost.

How could I harm anyone with a ring?

She should have been patient, anyways.

~Don't rush me.~

       You asked me why I did it. It took you two days, it took my father less than 60 seconds to get to me when he saw the ambulance at the door.

       You took 48 hours to muster the pride to visit me, and when you did, you showed no emotion at all. You hugged me that day and I felt no love.

        I was barely aware of what was going on, yet I somehow sensed tension coming from your end. As if you were forcing yourself to care when deep down you knew you didn't.

I felt like I was being smothered by a well maintained, ‘JLo Glo’ scented greeting mat.

          Even when I was much younger and you would stay in and drink, you'd hug me and I felt this giant strange force field of motherly love surrounding me, if that makes any sense. There was a step by step process of your home drunk persona and it went the same way every time.. but I'll get to that in a moment.

    Anyways, I'm still thankful you showed. Even two days late. You had me slightly convinced that you actually cared.

ALMOST. I was informed of the insensitive remarks you made to my father about me.  You really had the audacity to turn around and say I was wanting everyone to be worried about CAYLEY because ‘everything has to be about CAYLEY and CAYLEY was just looking for attention'.

         Like I didn't come home from school and take two steps through the threshold only to see you crying because you got dumped. You threatened to end your life. (Because you loved this man so much. The man you are with now. 9 years later. The man you use for money. Whom you cheat on)  Me and your biological daughter took you and admitted you.

         I felt like i betrayed you, but i needed you to be alive. For...whatever reason. I guess cos y'know.. a 12 year old needs a parent. You came home and the meds they gave you calmed you down, but you liked that too much. You quickly became dependent, actually you still are. You contradict yourself too often.

         Don't you remember what I have been put through..? By you, mostly. You were and still are so hypocritical that it makes me chuckle. Sigh- anyways, I couldn't fully comprehend anything you said during our visit. I couldn't gather the energy to move nor look at you, let alone reply to your bullshit motherhood quotes.

        You left when the time was up, two weeks go by in a blur still ever so slowly, and they transfer me. People were able to reach out to me. A handful of people I love and cherish which includes my sister, my father, his girlfriend... the woman who has been more of a mother to me than you ever were.

       It didn't take much time after me being in that God forsaken inpatient facility for me to be pulled aside by a nurse in a confidential manner. My brain threw around every possible reason as to why she was doing this.

--------------------------------------------------

Am I going home?

Are they moving me again?

What did I do wrong?

--------------------------------------------------

  ~ Nothing, stop with the assumptions~

    She informed me that I had received multiple calls from a woman saying she is my mother but she couldn't pass it through because another woman, who ALSO claimed to be my parent/caregiver, had requested that this number (she was giving me )go on a restricted no contact list. She handed me a sheet of paper with with a number on it. Buttttt, it wasn't yours. So I had no idea what was going on. Who's my caregiver? Did my sister put you on the no call list? Nope. It wasn't your number and you never do wrong, so you denied having anything to do with that whole thing. I decided to call the number while the addiction groups were in the other room. I had no reason to be there so I had time to meditate, draw, socialize, or find out who was on the other end of that phone line.

It's obvious what I chose.

It took a few tries until someone finally answered. When they did I felt like an idiot. How could I not know.

You hated her because of how hard she tried to see me and my siblings. You had so many hateful things to say about her, yet no validation. It made you angrier when you told us about her then made her out to be a bad guy and we still got in touch with her. You hated that, didn't you. You hated it because the truth was going to come out if we found her.

Lady, I met my real mother when i was 11 years old. That was the day my father bought my favorite hat… a black fedora with a blue stripe inside of a purple stripe in the middle (which I still own). I was wearing this black shirt with a red graphic design on the front and back that was WAY too baggy on me and a pair of cuffed blue jeans, I do believe. It's been eight years, I have great memory but I'm not special like that.

If it weren't for daddy, my sister, and my brother... I would've never known who she was. Well, when I finally got ahold of my biological mother on the phone the day after I received the number by the nurse… she was genuinely upset. She said one thing that will stick to my brain for the rest of my life.

“I lost you once I can't lose you again”

You won't have to.

[dandystones]

Yes means no.

***There are two parts to this long ass post because I didn't realise I had so much to say oops***

Setting boundaries, I recently learnt I've been terrible at that for most of my life.

I hate when people tell me what to do, to the point I'd do the exact opposite, but I always wanted validation. I sought it from everyone and their mothers because I never got it from myself.

The internet seems to talk a big game about how the universe will keep on sending you lessons in all it's glorious forms if we don't pick up on it; like how we always encounter the same toxic people and relationships, one after another.

It's funny when I recall them now.

***PART 1***

I like to think I've been very blessed when it came to friendship. All through my life, I've always felt that I made friends easily and had plenty of platonic support. However at different stages of my life, I've also noticed that despite all the good friends I surrounded myself with, I've always had that one person in my life who was just a little too self absorbed, borderline narcisstic and treaded way too close for comfort.

For reference, I'm going to list some people but not their whole names: my mum >> X >> O >> H >> C

The most coincidental thing I've come to realise is 1) that each person had a specific time in my life where they rose to prominence, or in other words, where they suffocated me the most 2) the end of each 'stage of prominence' was the start of the next. For example, when I thought I'd finally stepped out of my mum's narcissistic shadow, X stepped and morphed into that narcisstic figure until I'd decided it was time to cut ties. Around the same time, I met O and she slowly morphed into that person.

Continously, I realise I've always had that one presence in my life and each person would stay for many years until a breaking point, after which I would draw the line and keep my distance. As a rough estimate, I took about 25 years to understand that this exhausting cycle of going through toxic loved one after another is simply a lesson of setting boundaries.

I came to this realization in the past 6-12 months because I was having a particular hard time adjusting at work and it was really tough to master the art of stakeholder management. I won't say I'm an expert now, but I've gotten much better at putting my foot down and helping people to understand how their basic (read: brainless) actions are making my job unnecessarily difficult and defying my work ethics. I started to understand the importance of setting my own boundaries because we can never assume anyone would know them if we don't speak it.

Around the same time, I noticed the last person in this cycle, C had started to transition out of her role as the narcisstic shadow in my life entirely on her own. I've never had that happen to me without having to ruthlessly cut ties before. It's like something just clicked. On hindsight, the lesson just made sense and perhaps because I understand what it is now, there was no longer a need for the lesson to remain.

I always thought I was good at saying no to people, because I didn't care what they think which is true for the most part, I don't care what strangers think. What I came to realise about myself was that I needed help saying no to non strangers, people I care about, the people I need in my life.

***PART 2***

The word 'no' carried too much grief and associated history with abuse and neglect. My parents never made it easy for me growing up; affection was a competition between myself and both my younger sisters. My father could never find balance at work, so he overcompensated by trying to take control of everything at home. Nothing I said nor did could ever please him, he was always angry about the tiniest thing.

Everything was someone else's fault; between denying me any help with school work because I didn't go to a school of his choice and completely beating my self esteem down because I dare ask him for any help to a seemingly insignificant act like him accidentally stepping on my toes at the supermarket, he would twist and mold all my words until they made him looked like a hero in his own fantasy, that I was beneath him, and that everything bad that happened in his life was my fault and no one else's.

You couldn't fight him with reason even if you tried to, because he wasn't fighting for anything, he just wanted to win and he would say anything to wear you down. Every night would end in the same way, a disgustingly heated verbal mess between him, myself and my mom; abuse of any kind is simply the cheap power you get when you destroy people for the sake of your ego.

My mum was completely helpless in that regard, she stayed the hell out of his way whenever he had an outburst, even if it meant leaving me to fend for myself. I refused to back down from the injustice and his words dug its claws deeper in my gut, every quarrel we had made me sick with anger because no matter how hard I tried to defend myself, every takeaway was how each of his mistakes were the result of my failures even if it had nothing to do with it.

This went on for years. I knew I couldn't run away because I was underage, financially unstable and still needed a roof above my head. I felt absolutely helpless and remember crying myself to sleep all the time, praying to God to take me away - away from here, away from being the family's punching bag, away to another universe where parents actually protected their children, built them up and supported them.

Growing up in an environment where your survival thrived from avoiding all the stressors that could result in rage meant that I became extremely cautious in expressing my needs and opinions out of a fear of of displeasing my parents. Every subsequent outburst was a slap in the face, a painful reminder of how abandoned and unsupported I was in this family.

This led to a series of bad behaviors where I was desperate to please and longed for a life devoid of rejection. For the parts of myself who had endured so much neglect, I just couldn't bare the same devastation over again. Putting myself second and others first was easy as long as they were happy. I had this belief that if I accidently let myself be honest, people wouldn't accept me and I couldn't risk letting my guard down again.

Over time, I started saying yes to everything I wanted to say no to. Yes means no, no came with a '... but I'll do this for you instead' to overcompensate my fear. Slowly but surely, I became exhausted from pleasing people all the time. I said yes to social events I didn't care to be at, I patiently listened to every word of every person who needed me even if they didn't care to be there for me, I helped every toxic person who saw an opportunity to exploit my time and kindness. Without realizing, I was unnecessarily deriving a form of validation from being a yes-girl, I didn't know how to say no. Beyond that I'd lost my sense of self because I didn't know if anyone would care about me if I stopped doing all these things.

This obviously manifested in many unhealthy coping mechanisms and constantly wanting to be alone because I felt that everyone around me wanted something from me I couldn't give. It became a toxic cycle of self harm, feeling absolutely hopeless and finding sick joy in dreaming about the many different ways to end my life. At age 17, I've never felt more alone.

Ive had to see a counsellor for prolonged periods of my life and thisemotional abuse was one of the key moments that contributed to it.

Recovery was one hella of a slippery slope and had relapsed so many times I've lost count. I was convinced my abuse had rewired my body's ability to understand what love was, all I felt was the fire of resentment, burning my insides with the anxiety of having to live out the rest of my life in a bubble of 'my mistakes'.

Through my counsellor, we had to un-learnt the act of being too harsh of myself, as a result of the years I spent projecting my dad's expectations on myself. Rewiring your brain to calm itself down when you're triggered is difficult but not impossible. There were many scenarios where I became aware of the fact that the voice in my head mimicked my dad's in giving all but bone crushing criticism, guilt tripping my every move and spiralling myself into depression again.

Re-learning the notion of 'giving myself to others' whilst being 'unapologetically myself' was interesting and refreshing. Mostly, my subconscious got better at unlearning the act of constantly censoring myself for the sake of others; how to live freely & become a more honest version of myself regardless of the people around me. Not in any manner that might be of harm to others though, just in a way that allows me to stop relying on other people’s validation to keep my spirits lifted.

Every relapse back then sunk me into my depression, harder. Looking back now, I'm glad I didn't give up even though the chance was present and tempting every step of the way. Everyday still feels like a challenge, but I get it now when people say it gets easier

#wfth #getting stronger