#mental health post
Last time I saw my psychiatrist he put me on antidepressants I see him again on Monday and I know he’s going to ask me how I’ve been , Im afraid to tell him that I’ve just gotten worst , so bad that I actually quit my job yesterday because I couldn’t bear to get out of bed anymore but I don’t want him to put me on more medication I already have to take more than four pills a day I don’t want more pills I don’t want more medication￼!!!!
This story was written when I first started to realise I was not a cishet and when I first started to acknowledge my mental health issues.
He was sitting there in him room listening to music, a normal day by all accounts. Then a song popped up. It was not one he had heard before and it certainly was not his ‘style’.
But still he sat and listened.
Then the musician broke into the chorus.
And he was in this little bubble.
This little world as the sound surrounded him filled him up like a glass once half full, and he was crying.
Oh god, he was crying, and he had no idea why or when, but he knew that those unleashing sobs, that made him feel broken and wrecked, that made him feel free and feel damned were coming from him.
And he clutched onto the feeling of sobbing because nothing mattered, bathed in it because he did not matter. Nothing else was worth caring about besides the music and him broken soul which was clinging to the song as if it broke him and put him back together again.
He was free.
The words seemed to work its way into the lyrics, to the sobs were hurting him like a stab wound, but he did not care because the song was still there. The song, him saviour was still playing, and he no longer needed the false hopes of him childhood. He no longer needed to be worried about how much longer he could hold on. He was no longer smart. Or cocky. Or confident.
He was unleashed. And he was ugly. And he hated himself.
Hated himself so much, to the point where the song had stopped and there was no longer noise, but silence, but he was still raging in this silent bubble deep inside himself. Still crying and screaming.
Him life was meaningless.
No-one around him knew that he felt like this.
And that song, that extension of a hand. An answer to all those cocky statements, all those insults, all those stories he twirled like that could save him. Finally, an answer to his pleads, to his cry’s. To help him, to pull him above that drowning world he lived was gone.
So, he played it again and when he got to school, he sang it.
And when he cried, he heard it. When he smiled, he echoed it.
It was an order, a command to keep living.
And he would obey. And he would listen.
He was broken glass.
And he could now, finally, be pieced together again.
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Ever swam just a teenie bit too far from the beach, which makes it seem easy to climb back onto land, but whenever you try to reach out for the sand, the waves keep pulling you further from the surface as if not wanting to let you go no matter how hard you've tried to swim? That's what's going on in life right now....
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I made a list of my mental health symptoms, so I don't just blank whenever I finally (hopefully) get to see a therapist. I really hope it happens soon because I'm so tired, but it's been so long that I haven't had access to mental healthcare that it still doesn't feel like something I'm going to get to have lol I'm super scared.
Anyways, I figured I would post it here because (1)this is my safe space, and (2) just in case somebody else is going through similar stuff, maybe they won't feel alone in their struggles, or maybe it can help them find words for their experiences.
I'm pretty sure I have some type of depression/anxiety disorder, so I've categorized my symptoms into more depression-seeming symptoms and more anxiety-seeming symptoms.
• Racing thoughts/intrusive thoughts/cringe attacks
• Complete lack of energy always
• Inability to leave the bed
• Burst of energy like one day of month
• Inability to sleep even though I'm always tired
• Then when I do sleep I oversleep
• Even the smallest task is overwhelming, and breaking it down into steps helped for a while, but I think I'm burned out from fighting my brain and being constantly exhausted, so that doesn't really help anymore.
• I can't do time. It's literally like I don't experience it the way anybody else does, and it makes it hard for time-oriented tasks or punctuality. You could say that I "loose track of time easily," but it feels more honest to say that I never had track of time to begin with. And it doesn't make me quirky or special; it makes me look irresponsible, like I don't care, or unprofessional. It's like I missed the lesson on time when we all went to "being a person" class.
• Errant eating habits, potentially ED related. Never really eating enough/feeling hungry enough, then hungry all the time complicated by food-associated guilt and dysmorphia.
• Constant feelings of despair and hopelessness punctuated by frustration and restlessness. I would say that I am an optimistic and positive person, well, not naturally, I sculpted that in myself, but I rarely experience happiness or satisfaction unless it is connected to food, hobbies (sometimes), my partner, friends(sometimes), my cats. Certain sensory stimulations also seem to provide relief from the sad feels.
• Wanting to disappear
• Feeling like an alien, not a literal alien, just never really feeling seen or experiencing authentic connection with others. I find it extremely hard to truly connect to others in a way that feels validating of my authentic self, and not just in a superficial customer service way. I often feel isolated and misunderstood. As unhealthy as it is,there is literally only one person in my life that I feel sees me for me, and that is my husband.
• Experiencing emotions more deeply than others, or so it seems
• Hyper self-awareness/ stuck in my own thoughts
• Extreme difficulty interacting with things outside of my comfort items--movies/music/food/clothes/places
• Intensely engaged with an internal dialog at all times: coaching myself, critical thoughts of the world/society, making plans, analyzing my own behaviors/past experiences, all of which results in me always being "the deep one" or "the weird one," but, really, all that means is that I'm hard to relate to, but interesting enough to keep lol *see "feeling like an alien"
• I have often been told I sound like a "foreigner," or like I'm speaking a different language because the person I am talking to doesn't understand me. Which is weird because I try really hard to communicate clearly because I hate being misunderstood. And this seems really easy to write off as "well most people are not good at listening and communicating," but if I am the only one good at communicating, doesn't that mean that I'm not good at communicating? Or, I've been told, "you're smarter than a lot of people, so you have to speak to them on their level," but that sounds so pompous; I'm just me, I know I'm smart, but idk about smartER
• Stuck in the past/difficulty getting over things or moving on
• A propensity for addiction- alcohol, caffeine/stimulants, sugar, pills, cannabis, social media, Anything that helps me to feel something other than heavy and tired or anxious.
• I've gotten a LOT better about self-destructive behaviors and self-harming. The impulse is still there, but I'm able to say no.
• Panic attacks:typically triggered by high pitched sounds, getting chilled/shivering, caffeine, rapidly changing lights, white/blue/cool-colored light, being in or around moving vehicles, car accidents, too many different sounds at once, crowds, the rise in ambient conversation in a room of people,(can also be triggered by cannabis, but usually it is not cannabis alone, it seems that cannabis can make me more susceptible to these triggers setting off a panic attack)
• I experience sensory overload easily
• Racing thoughts/intrusive thoughts/cringe attacks, all of which contribute to not being able to sleep, and typically are almost uncontrollable directly following a social interaction of any kind
• Shutting myself down a lot, sometimes I can talk through negative self talk, but sometimes the anxiety/depression brain wins
• Overthinking. About everything. Always.
• Hyperaware/Hyper attuned to any and all humans within my perception. Sorta like the idea of being an "empath," except I recognize that these traits are likely from trauma or illness and not magic. I literally cannot tune out of the people around me, even among strangers, and I notice every miniscule change in body language and tonality. I'm not sure where the boundary is between projected/assumed observations and true observations. I often assume I know how they are feeling.
• I don't trust easily at all, to the point where it takes forever to form any kind of friendship with me. I seem to be a hard person to be friends with because of my ups and downs, my proclivity toward hermiting, and my reluctance to go to social spaces. I can also be a little critical and defensive of my boundaries.
• Socializing drains me, and I can need anywhere from 2 days to weeks to recover.
• Always clenching my jaw/hand, comfort position is in a tight ball resulting in being extremely achey, and lots of leg pain
• Body anxiety: its easy to accidentally convince myself (or have to talk myself out of convincing myself) of having something medically awful wrong with me-- the typicals are blood clots, heart problems, cancer, something mysterious and awful wrong with my legs, my wisdom teeth growing into my brain, babies(pretty certain I have tokophobia)
• I don't like being touched. It makes me tense up and feel incredibly uncomfortable.
• I am hyperaware of the space between me and any other person, my bubble I suppose, and my bubble is rather large, and I get panicky and uncomfortable when people trespass into my bubble without my consent.
• I often do not understand "people." Nothing "they" do ever really seems to make logical sense to me.
• Not sure if this belongs under the anxiety or depression section, but I experience dysmorphia daily. Probably related to untreated ED leftover from late teens/early 20s/maybe even current, but I literally could not tell you what my body looks like. I even struggle to identify/estimate sizing for clothes. My body literally looks and feels different every single day, and I am rarely confident/comfortable in it.
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All you care about is yourself
Put someone's pain in a jar on the shelf
Look at your feelings all i sense is filth
Break down what someone's already built
No emotion no feeling of guilt
No breakdown no side of a tilt
Rub off any blood and pain from your face and knife like it is some pair of cloth or silk
You can't see any of my hurt
You can't clean off blood from that shirt
Just kick me off a cliff let me snap my head and blow my head in the dirt
Glee with that smile on your face
Bullied in school i just have to brace
I just wanna get to my goal in life it's just a long never ending chase
(repost had to add more tags)
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A little sketch but this had to be addressed at some point LMAO
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I am once again asking y’all to understand that being groomed by a nearly 40 year old man, having clearly untreated mental issues, AND being stranded on a fucking deserted island will, in fact, make you do some crazy shit. Of course Leah is gonna make mistakes, she is insanely traumatized and also dealing with what is appears to be OCD, and a teenage girl, so yeah, she is gonna be a bit unhinged and kinda a dick. You can hold Leah accountable for the shitty things she does WITHOUT pointing out the fact that she is “obsessed with a man” (she was literally groomed so yeah she’s probably gonna be obsessed, that is in no way her fault), or without demonizing her OCD traits. Also, saying she should have drowned or literally should be dead bc she’s an annoying teenage girl is quite literally insane, please get a grip.
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I don’t care to care about people that don’t care about me until they need me to care about them
It’s like, “hey, I’m going to be nice to you because I need something from you I see it coming from miles away yet I still plan on like a dummy
My people pleasing has destroyed a lot of great things in my life. In fact, my people pleasing has gone these Burning Bridges for some people. The worst…
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Hmmm yes, slumps are okay. It's good, it's fine.
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okay let's talk about megatron
megatron is a iconic 80's cartoon villain character, hes an absolute one of a kind villain, there no body like him.
megatron is one of few characters in the transformers franchise that's has a little know backstory, from being a miner, a poet, a gladiator to a dictator, hes only character (that I know of) has a tragic backstories of this franchise, so let's dive right in shall we?
when megatron was first introduced to the kids in 80's, people wanted to know more about this unique character that can turn into a handgun, then the comics come out (I'll touch on that later).
with the 90's beast wars megatron got even more unique and iconic, the people wanted to know what this character backstory, i dont know much this megatron btw.
ah yes, the 00's era, the era that bought you the unicron trilogy, animated and the bayverse megatrons, i cant say too much about this era whether then they're ironic.
and the 10's, still bayverse and the aligned continuity, again i cant say too much about the megatron in the bayverse, but the megatron in transformers: prime was alone iconic.
okay so back to the comics part, so the megatron in the comics was a miner and when was writing poems about his miner life, they didn't like that much, so they thought it was the best to 'rerest' his brain by mnemosurgery which made him a fear of that surgery, years past, he had been in pits for years and decided to become more political, decades past, he broke up the decepticons for good, he was trusted enough by optimus to be the co-captain of the lost light to find the knights of cybertron.
and that's all i know from my knowledge.
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*offers my brain little yummy treats to try to coax it out of its depression hole*
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Hey everyone, I made a very new chat here on tumblr.
I really made this space for black girls and really just people such as myself who are struggling in life. Struggling to live and keep pushing as they knew they should and perhaps even want to, yet can’t seem to do it alone. We all have our traumas, our fears and our own personal wounds to heal from and I want to provide a place where we can do that with each other, because being alone, especially when your in a tough spot, really isn’t that nice.
I want us to be able to be open and vulnerable with each other because only when we are open and honest with ourselves can we assess, fix and grow. I would also enjoy if those who are already on their healing journey, or have finished it to join as well as a beacon to help and light for those who need it. To guide the lost as much as they can and to grow with us because growth is never-ending.
As someone who has lots of growing and healing to do myself, I want to inspire those to join me on the journey. In this group I plan on providing daily affirmations, books and tools that I have on hand for self help and self growth as well as accounts to keep in mind on ones journey. I want us to be as active and helpful as we can to each other because support is what this group is about.
Much love 💚
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I hate cognitively knowing that my emotions are heightened AND irrational, but not being able to get them out of my head.
You just want to quit talking to any and everyone. No one gets it. The people you love, “ah you’re making too much of it. Relax.”
Like, FUCK! I would if I could. Yeah it sounds easy on paper.
So you isolate yourself.
Depression starts getting uglier because you feel so misunderstood and alone in this world.
Guilty conscience for having your own feelings. Or not even knowing if they are your true feelings 😞🤦🏻♀️
But apologize for what?! Now I’m mad.
Says hateful shit.
Labeled overdramatic and difficult.
Beats self up again.
Depression reminds you to just lay in bed and do fuck all because what’s the point?
Self aware. Realized was dissociating.
So god damn tired.
What would it feel like with a normal functioning brain? Would I recognize the difference? Would I question it?
I have legit things to be happy about.
Stares at wall for 3 hours.
Everyone hates me.
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Chelsea Wolfe & Emma Ruth Rundle - "Anhedonia"
anhedonia (noun) - the inability to feel pleasure
Is that a 1-12 scale figma in this video? I don’t remember the exact name of the model. I thought it was an Obitsu figure at first, but those don’t have shoulder joints like that. The “drawing model” figma is my next best guess.
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April Wrap Up
*comes in 12 days late sipping warm beverage of choice...*
Hey everyone I survived April! Would you look at that! The mental health do be taking a sharp decline but we are out here surviving.
Various April Accomplishments:
I am officially fully vaccinated! Almost a month post second vaccine.
Started another glass painting commissioned by my life partner. Can anyone say Demon Slayer?
Went opening night to the new Demon Slayer Movie- literal tears the last 30 minutes of the movie and about 20 minutes post leaving the theater.
Recognizing that all my previous goals for 2021 are crap and made new ones...
Plotting and draft work for my singular large project this year.
2012 Running Totals:
Current Reading Word Count: 7,956,952
Writing Word Count: 56,991
Monthly Word Count: 11,196
My brain: 👏 But what if we did this while sad?
Me: tf, why?
My brain: it adds a certain...je ne sais quoi 🤌
Me: I hate you...
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What are the Claires?
Chances are you've probably heard of the claires before (like clairvoyance), but what are they?
Essentially, they are six different spiritual abilities based on six senses.
Clairvoyance comes from the words clair (clear) and voyance (vision). This clair is the power to gain information through sight. If you are clairvoyant, you might gain information about something through pictures in your minds eye.
Clairaudience comes from the words clair (clear) and audience (hearing). This clair is the power to gain information by sound. If you are clairaudient, you may gain information through sound or music in your mind's voice.
Clairsentience comes from the words clair (clear) and sentience (feeling). This clair is the power to sense other people's emotions without seeing, hearing, or touching them. If you are clairsentient, you may often have "gut feelings", or may easily tune into the emotional energies around you.
Clairalience comes from the words clair (clear) and alience (smell). This clair is the power to smell things that aren't actually there. If you are clairalient, you may smell things such as perfume or cigarette smoke when there isn't any, which may alert you of a spiritual presence.
Clairguastance comes from the words clair (clear) and gustance (taste). This clair is the power to taste things that aren't actually there. Like with clairalience, you may taste something to alert you of a spiritual prescence.
Claircognizance comes from the words clair (clear) and cognizance (knowing). This clair is the power to gain information on things we normally wouldn't know about. If you are claircognizant, you may have instances where information pops into your head, such as a premonition.
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And yet again, I have been instructed to research autism (not in a bad way!)
Look....I get that it applies to me, and I may be autistic but also I have ✨imposter syndrome✨ so I've decided against self dxing until I can say without a sliver of a doubt that I have something. Especially because a formal diagnosis where I'm at would essentially label me as unfit for work & unable to receive government aid at the least. At the most I'd be treated as though I can't consent because of my diagnosis, and my doctors would be given free reign to further traumatize me. I don't agree with the system, but I already have medical aspects to my C-ptsd stemming from not being listened to & having my consent or withdrawal of respected & nosocomephobia so like
At most you'd get a self dx. Once everyone I trust agreed that I probably am autistic..
But I know how vicious tumblr can be, and I don't want to toss this in tags it doesn't belong in..so if you're seeing this, and you're autistic/have autism-What is the general consensus on this? We are talking years of research & denial here. Hundreds of people online & off saying hey this is a thing. Not like..5 minutes of researching and going yea me. I've put in a lot, and had a lot say it but the imposter syndrome has been stopping me from self dxing.
Not that this doesn't concern the autism community but I don't want to flood your tags with my traumatic anxious post.