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mangosrar · 4 months

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i haven’t heard from you since.

chris sturniolo x fem reader.

idk if i specified but they’re in a relationship and have been for like 3 years!!

also hey y’all i disappeared for a while but i’m back 😛and i’m currently trying to get through the requests so be ready 😈love y’all. bee ❤️‍🩹

how had it become like this? it seemed so unbelievable that there was a point in yoir life where you thought you were going to marry him, have children, and grow old together. if someone would have told you three years ago that you would both end up like this you would have laughed in their face. he used to be so sweet, so passionate about you, but now that couldnt be further from the truth.

you werent really sure when the change happened, or why it happened maybe a little after your birthday, maybe before. of course you knew people grow apart but this wasnt growth. this was borderline misery. the constant fighting, the days of ignoring one another, the nights where chris would come home at 2am and not say a word to you after you had been waiting up for him, it was nothing short of torture.

but still every single time, both of you just let it blow over, waiting until the next bomb went off, but the long lasting was lasting a little too long.

"oh please, like you were actually worries" he scoffed, taking his hat off and throwing it on the kitchen table.

"you stormed out on me, you didnt even tell me where you were, youve been gone for 5 hours and you stroll in at almost 3am expecting me to be cool about it? what fucking planet are you living on" you said staring at him.

he didnt even reply he just shook his head, leaning against the counter and crossing his arms, keeping his eyes trained to the floor. a moment of silence passed as you waited for him to say something, anything, and finally he took a deep breath in and pulled his eyes up to meet yours.

"maybe i just dont wanna fucking be around you" his voice was quiet and soft, a stark contrast to the sharpness of his words. his expression was stoic and completely unreadable.

he watched the colour drain from your face, as he did every time he would bark an insult at you. a small part of him felt nothing but pure joy to know that he had the power to completely crush you, like when murderers say they feel no remorse for the people theyve killed, but another small part of him was bleeding, a self-inflicted stinging, like a pain he had never felt before.

"you know what chris, day by day i realize everything i miss about you was never there in the first place, the person i fell in love with was a fucking mirage." your words were dripping with venom. his face faltered for a second, momentarily letting the mask slip, and the pain your words were causing him beginning to slip out.

"you dont mean that" he looked like he was about to burst into tears, and it made your mouth run dry.

you tried so hard to keep it together, but the tears that had gathered in your waterline threatened to spill with every single Shakey breath you took. there was a pregnant pause and the effect of your words hung in the air. chris stared at you intensely and you let your eyes rest anywhere but on him, you couldnt look at him, at the chance of seeing him with watery eyes and a wobbly lip might make you fall at his feet once more.

you took a deep breath before eventually meeting his gaze and beginning to talk.

"i dont know why things changed chris.... but one day i woke up and we no longer spoke the same language, and i havent heard from you since" chris watched every time as he crushed you, but now as he took your place, standing there with his hands by his sides, mouth hanging open, taking rapid breaths, in and out, while trying not to cry, he felt as though you had murdered him.

"that doesnt mean i dont love you y/n, we can work through this, weve done it before, ill be better i promise i will" he spoke with a wobbly voice.

the tears were now full force streaming down your face. he stood there across the kitchen with wide eyes, trying to think of how to come back from this, but there was something about the way you opened your mouth to speak again, that told him there wasnt.

"i cant relax around you chris, if i relaxed my body now, id fall apart. if i relaxed for a fucking second, id never find my way back. why cant you see that?" you paused for a moment and shook your head at him in disbelief. "why cant you see that you are tearing me limb for limb when i have done nothing but love you? why cant you understand that i have poured all of my heart and soul onto you to try and wash away whatever it is thats made you like this and you are throwing it back in my face? i mean when will this fucking end?" you were yelling and you hadnt even realized you had made your way over to him and were now standing less than a foot away.

"y/n please, dont do this. ill get my shit together and ill be better because i love you" he looked at you with pleading eyes as he spoke, reaching out to grab your hand, but when you pulled away before he even got the chance to even feel your skin on his, it was like he had died right there in that second.

"do you?" you whispered, swallowing thickly, desperately trying to stop the floodgates from opening more.

chriss face was wet with tears as he stared down at you sniffling. he opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. he was completely gob smacked. he never thought it would get to this point. but as your eyes bored into his, wordlessly begging him to say something that would fix this, he felt as though the earth was crumbling beneath his feet.

his silence gave you all the answers that you needed, so with that you turned around and walked away, and the sound of his broken voice calling your name, spoke volumes.

he knew it was over, he knew that you were about to go upstairs and pack your bags and walk out the door, but he didnt do a thing to try and stop you, he knew he wouldnt be able to fix this even if he tried, so he watched you walk away, and the second you were out of sight, he fell to his knees, clutching his chest like he was dying and letting out sob after sob, like it would mend all damage he had done.

in the next room, you were frantically trying to keep your self control. the urge to walk back in there and wipe his tear-stained cheeks and kiss his broken heart better was paralyzing. the sound of him wailing and weeping was soul crushing, but this had to be done, one of you had to be strong enough to walk away.

you knew he would leave such an imprint on you, he had left such severe claw marks that anyone you even entertained after chris, would have to know him in order to understand you, and that might have been the worst fucking part.

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taglist: @christinarowie332 @biimpanicking @chrisenthusiast @soursturniolo @kitaysworld @kvtie444 @mattslolita @flowerxbunnie @lovingsturniolo @its-jennarose @ermdontmindthisaccount @secret-sturniolo @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @justaslvttygirl @urfavstromboli @recklesssturniolo @delimeats-000 @nickdevora @gwenlore @sturnioloenthusiast

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starryletters · 8 months

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gojo; friends to lovers headcanons!

notes : set in 2006, reader being silly and a bit dense, gojo falls first and you fall just as hard , fluff! suguru and shoko mentioned bc i love their friendgroup🫶

a/n : eep my first (published) piece of writing! im so excited, and i hope people like it!!! this isn't the most polished, but i wanted to start off with something a little more simple ( ◡‿◡ *) anywhoo satoru is the boyfriend ever!

you met him when you joined the jujutsu high second years aka geto shoko and gojo!

and gojo IMMEDIATELY decided to annoy the shit out of you

but like in an endearing way (that's what he thought, at least)

surprisingly, you actually found him funny, and bantering with him back and forth quickly became your favorite part of every day.

he really liked how you were able to keep up with him and how easy it was to talk to you about anything and everything. no matter what he had to say, you had a reply (or an insult) ready to go.

satoru's a really physically affectionate person in general and he was over the moon when you didnt seem to mind how he randomly slung his arm around your shoulder or how he liked to fall asleep with his head in your lap. (i could tie to this whole thing to his infinity and talk about how sad it is for someone that shows love through physival affection to experience smth so traumatic that they put a LITERAL barrier between them and others preventing all forms of touch but..i wont!)

it wasn't anything romantic at first! (i love platonic physical affection, okay?)

but there were small moments where you felt his touch and felt such a warmth in your heart. you had pure adoration for him [and if you ever caught his stare, you would know he adored you the same.]

anywhoo! you always thought he was attractive because i mean, look at him

but you never really saw him as a romantic prospect. at least not until you talked to him and got to know him. which you told shoko later on, and she called you a freak of nature for it because "usually he has the opposite effect on people"

there wasn't really a distinct moment you can remember where you developed feelings for him. the realization totally caught you by surprise!

you were hanging out with your fellow second years after school, and gojo made some dumb dad joke, at which only he laughed (of course), but you glanced at him from the side and his laugh!!! it was so beautiful!!! like, why are you enchanted by this LOSER right now???

either way, that's when you noticed that maybe that feeling you got in your stomach whenever gojo touched you may not have been entirely platonic. horrified and also a teensy bit excited at your discovery you look away and try to make your blushing face cool down. cool, this was definitely gonna ruin one of the best relationships and friendships you've ever had! gojo knew geto and shoko before you, so if you ever confessed, it would probably ruin your friendship with them too! cool, cool, very cool.

of course, that was total bs, but whatever you were anxious at, your newfound feelings and relationships are confusing, and you maybe (definitely) had a bit of tunnel vision in that moment.

after that (like the smart person you are), you convinced yourself that "well. if i just avoid gojo..the feelings will probably go away, right?"

oh, you poor naive FOOL

first of all, avoiding gojo was no easy feat (just ask nanami)

second of all... by the point you realized your feelings, he was already completely WHIPPED for you

"suguru! did you see? she totally looked at me for two seconds longer than usual today!"

"uh-huh"

"she definitely loves me back, dont you think so too?"

"you're delusional."

"you're my best friend! you're supposed to indulge me in my delusions!"

definitely the type to lay on his stomach and kick his feet in the air while thinking about you

and he NEVER shuts up about you

shoko and geto seriously deserve financial compensation for this and are BAFFLED by the fact that you dont notice how lovestruck he is by you?

so as soon as he realized you stopped replying to his texts like you usually did and you didn't sit next to him anymore so he could lean his head on your shoulder, he was devastated

DEVASTATED

like what did he do????? why does the universe hate him??? ( like he isnt the strongest sorcerer ever?)

you thought you were clever for coming up with your "get rid of feelings for satoru" plan

but no. for days now everywhere you were, suddenly there he was.

you didn't give him the silent treatment or anything you just... kept your distance.

well, you tried anyway

man has no sense of personal space.

"i missed you." he pouts, leaning down and placing his head on your shoulder from behind. "we see each other everyday, thats not enough for you?" you replied, trying to remain calm while he was so SO close to you. "we barely saw each other at all yesterday!" he whines. "i was busy -" "no, you weren't." "yes, i was?" "nuh-uh, " your face contorts into a grimace. "seriously, how old are you?" "sev-" "it was a rhetorical question." he moves from his postion behind you and stands right in front of you. if he wasn't so silly looking, you would probably be intimidated by his towering height.

his face turns serious. "you've been avoiding me." he states, a small pout on his lips. shit, dont look at his lips! "eh..uh..what? no, i'm not! that's crazy talk..." you sputter nervously. he sighs, and puts his hands on your shoulders "are you okay?" he's genuinely concerned for you now. damnit why couldn't he be less likeable?! this was really throwing a wrench in your plan.

"i am..i'm just..uh..argh." you lower your head and massage your temple out of frustration. your heartbeat was going a mile a minute. "i didn't mean to avoid you, satoru." you say in a soft tone. a lie, but you couldn't handle telling him the truth. his face brightens instantly. "i'll forgive you if you pinky promise to never avoid me ever again." he reaches out his pinky. "wow, future me is gonna regret that when you get inevitably annoying.." you chuckle reaching out your hand to interlink your finger with his. this was good, this was normal. you felt normal, platonic, and normal feelings. yep. a bright grin spreads across his pretty face. "although.. you might still have to buy me something sweet to really convince me!" of course. "you're the worst." "you love it!" yeah, you do.

okay, plan b. push it all down and focus on your friendship!

you did really enjoy just being his friend after all..otherwise you wouldn't care so much about ruining your friendship!

so things went back to normal sort of...except for the fact that over the next few months, the romantic tension got worse and worse.

you thought it was just you being delusional when he started holding your hand more and more frequently, freuqently bought you small trimkets and gifts( his reason being " i thought of you!") told you how pretty and cool you looked after missions, even with your hair all messed up and uniform askew. you tried so hard not to read into it even though these things were obviously pretty romantic.

satoru thought he was going insane

"i mean??? am i not being clear enough, suguru? am i being too subtle?"

"i dont think the word subtle really suits you, in any situation ever."

at this point, he was close to giving up. maybe you just didn't like him as much as he liked you?

but then! one late summer night!

the first kiss!

which was sort of out of the blue but also not really, since you'd been pining for each other for a while.

he was invading spending time in your dorm room late at night again like he frequently did. he got real chatty at night. you were both sitting on your bed, and his head was leaning against your shoulder, the soft ends of his hair tickling your neck.

it was around mignight, his voice was low and he spoke in a hushed tone.

"..you know? and then he had the audacity to insult nintendo? like sorry you hate fun, loser? anyways my original point was..." he trails off his voice, getting lower and lower by the end. you turn your head in his direction, expecting to find him asleep. instead, your nose almost bumps against his.

his eyes are..so breathtaking this close, with the moonlight reflecting in his sapphire irises. his snow-white lashes flutter as he glances down at your lips. a silent request.

this moment was so full of tender love while still so quiet. you had never felt anything quite like it before. you nod ever so slightly and softly your lips meet eachother. slotting together like two puzzle pieces, it made something click in your brain. suddenly everything made sense.

after a few moments you pulled back. your face felt hot. it was still quiet. gojos thumb rubs over the back of your hand.

he leans his head back onto your shoulder, positively beaming, he giggled "like i was saying.." he starts again the smile still evident in his voice.

an equally bright grin breaks out on your face. he was not even acknowledging the kiss you two shared. but it felt right that he didn't. this moment felt so warm and so much like satoru. there was no more confusion and no words that needed to be said. you both understood what it meant. you both finally understood what you were.

what you failed to consider was telling your best friends. geto and shoko. the four of you were hanging out and gojo had to leave early for another mission, before he leaves he quickly pecks you on the lips (which to be fair surprised you too) before waving and running off. shoko's eyes were practically bulging out of her head, and getos face couldn't decide between a surprised expression and one of disgust. "what. was that." shoko furtows her brows. "uhh..oh! oh." you couldn't exactly pinpoint what you were supposed to say now. how did you forget to tell them? how did GOJO forget to tell them? granted, it only happened last night, but still... you had assumed he spent the rest of the night lying on his stomach, feet kicking, telling geto every detail. "we're dating?" you reply awkwardly. "damn it!" shoko exclaims, and suguru smiles smugly. odd reactions... that's what you thought until you saw shoko pull out her wallet and hand suguru a big wad of cash. "see? i told you they would figure it out before they turned 25." he chides.

thank you for reading!!! and i hope you liked it! im not sure about this formatting (w/ the tumblr bulleted list. it's like not spaced apart enough, yk?) anyway! im open to constructive criticism, but please be nice im sensitive LOL (ﾉω･､)

#☆ — stars writings #gojo satoru #gojo x reader #gojo satoru x reader #gojo satoru x you #jjk x reader #jjk #x reader #headcanons #drabble #gojo x you #gojo satoru imagine #jjk imagines

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fortpeat · 1 year

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I have this headcanon where one night when Sky and Prapai are at a race there is an old hookup who incessantly flirts with Prapai even though he has made it clear that he is not interested. I imagine Sky just sitting there talking to Rain and he looks over and has had enough and just walks over and boarder line makes out with Prapai in front of this person to get them to stop. And of course when they get home Prapai would show Sky just how much he loves him and that he doesn’t want to reciprocate at all when people who aren’t Sky flirt with him.

Hey Nonnie ❤️✨

Apologies for the late reply. Forgive me PLEASEE 🫣🥺

I love this headcanon. I stand by it 1000% in fact I have this pretty long headcanon kind of based on this which I wrote maybe like back in November and it's sitting in my drafts so I am sharing it now 🤭

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So they are on their 3rd/4th date and Pai is still trying to impress Sky and Sky knowing this is being a little shit that he is acting all indifferent but deep down he's enjoying all the ways Pai is trying to spoil him. So they go to this restaurant which has gorgeous architecture and also it's one of the restaurants that Pai uses for meetings with his high end clients.

(P. S Pai had a one time fling with one of the restaurant partners)

So they go to the restaurant and get seated and Sky is so in love with the whole place and ambience and Pai is giving himself a pat on his back for putting that look of absolute wonder in Sky's eyes. As they are having dinner the "partner" comes to their table and greets them and basically pretends that Sky is another one of Pai's one night stand and even alludes to it. Sky is nonchalant towards all of it coz he's still looking and grasping at his surroundings. But Pai is not having any of it. He dismisses that person with the most pissed off face and as the partner leaves Pai asked to be excused and follows the person only to tell it to his face "I do not appreciate MY BOYFRIEND being disrespected. This will be the last time I will be coming here"

(Sky is mostly clueless about it all - all he can sense is that Pai is tense about something and poor baby is thinking that maybe he did something wrong by giving more attention to his surroundings than Pai during their date)

The dinner is done and on the way back home Pai calls his secretary while in the car to tell her to close all connections or deals with the before restaurant. The secretary is baffled for a second and asks why coz if /why Pai's dad asks why that partnership was annulled she should know about it and Pai just tells her that he has no interest in being in touch with people that insults his Boyfriend (in his head it's the love of his life) and Sky who was partially paying attention to what was happening suddenly turns to him with his round eyes completely taken back.

They reach Sky's dorm and walking in Pai started apologizing for not thinking clearly and that he will do better and make sure that Sky never feels that way and Sky is still silent.

Going into Sky's thoughts it's a myriad of emotions coz he can't believe that he get to have someone like Pai in his life just for himself and he doesn't know how to express it. Nobody has ever treated him like this before. Someone worthy of being defended and fought for. So he straight up kiss Pai with all his life and Pai is just stunned by the turn of events. And when asked why all Sky can say is "Thank you for that" and Pai is a bit baffled coz "Baby I didnt do anything its just common courtesy and I would have done this, had it happened to anyone I love"

All Sky can do is close his eyes and step even closer to Pai to lay his head on Pai's shoulder to make sense of his thoughts coz his brain is being assaulted with all these emotions that he can't understand yet. (At the same time he realizes how much he has lowered his standards due to past experiences and just someone treating him the way he should be mustn't be all that shocking) And then he takes a deep breath and pull back only to look at Pai with this kind of desperate need and want that Pai has never seen in Sky's eyes and that kind of puts him off track (coz in his head he's panicking that he might have said the L word a little too early and now sky is gonna run away)

But Sky just pushes him a little bit and keeps pushing him until Pai hits the back of the table and practically sits on top with Sky is between his legs and Sky has this tight grip on his thighs and Pai is just waiting for the next thing sky might do. All Sky does is he leans forward to Pai and looks him straight in the eyes and whispers "it's my turn to take your body and your heart" and Pai physically gulps 😳 and OH BOY DOES HE TAKE. 🤭👀

Sky worships Pai the whole night and Pai's entire world is shifted in an unprecedented way after that and he has this realization that he's ruined for anyone out there and he wouldn't have it any other way. And he sleeps with this smile on his face and this thought that he doesn't mind calling out assholes on their shitty behavior as long as Sky rewards him like this. 😂😂😂

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(P.S this is a very unedited version, wrote in one sitting without actually thinking at all. Just copy pasted what was literally in my head.) (The line Prapai says - but I will take both your body and heart - is a weakness of mine)

#love in the air #prapaisky #lita #asks are always appreciated

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rollercoasterwords · 1 year

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☕️ the prank! how do u think it went down, when, howd it affect their trust or timeline of getting together, etc. i know its common in fics to make the prank a huge fucking deal that almost breaks the marauders or has remus not talking to sirius for weeks which i find interesting bc i think according to canon sirius wasnt remorseful at all about it? and remus forgive him pretty quickly and casually (either bc he didnt want to lose his friends or maybe he just didnt care - he does after all at one point say they were idiots when they were kids and almost getting caught as animagi several times and not really taking things seriously). obviously it doesnt have to follow jkrs version of events but im curious what u think abt it all!

oh boy oh boy oh boy okay let's get into it i think. this might be a long one. i LOVE the prank as i have talked about on this blog in the past xx

personally i think there are so many ways to write the prank and just SO much to explore with it so. it is difficult for me to choose one set story of how i think it went down because i think it would depend on what story i was writing it into!! however hmmm how can i go about this...i think i'm gonna break it down step by step maybe and kinda talk about my preferred interpretations for each bit? so...here u go!

sirius telling snape

ok so when i am writing sirius. well one thing about him is that he IS a little mean to me. like i do not think kindness comes naturally to him i think it's something he has to work at and that if he isn't watching himself he can just be careless with other people's feelings, which is why he's a bit of a bully to the people he doesn't like. so while i can see interpretations of the prank where he is like...very intentionally and maliciously trying to put snape in danger, for whatever reason, and while i can also see interpretations where it was 100% unintentional and he was even tricked or forced or whatever, i prefer to take an approach sort of in between those two extremes.

so for me, sirius telling snape is generally more of like...a snapping situation. like there's other shit going on in sirius's life with his family (because this is the year he ran away, right? and i usually imagine the prank happening sometime after that) that he's dealing with and i think he is ALSO discovering his queerness and dealing with being closeted or perhaps trying very hard to suppress his feelings for a certain best friend that also make him particularly protective of said best friend and less willing to deal with snape's shit. and i imagine like all this going on and snape getting sirius alone at some point and antagonizing him in some way about remus or where the marauders all keep sneaking off to, and sirius just breaks and snaps at snape in a fit of anger where he's like. giving into that meanness that comes so easily and just wants to insult snape and yell at him. and i think sirius isn't really expecting snape to actually. go down the tunnel that very night but at the same time i think he's a bit careless about it as previously stated and just does not think through the full consequences and like storms off in a huff. and then once he realizes what he's done at first he like tries to tell himself snape probably WOULDN'T because he's embarrassed and guilty and doesn't want to admit he's fucked up...but then eventually he does tell the others and well. that's when james goes to the rescue!

snape going down the tunnel

so this is another point where i think there's quite a bit open to interpretation, because sure we hear that harry's dad supposedly saved snape's life, but...well let's be honest that could be an exagerrated account. as others have pointed out snape's worst memory is not this night, but rather a different instance where he clashed with the marauders. so! i think there's really quite a range here. you could write snape going down the tunnel as if he was barely in any danger at all and james just yanked him out right after he caught a glimpse or heard something that confirmed remus was a werewolf, or you could write a whole dramatic showdown where james had to face down with the wolf and risked his life to save snape.

personally i like to make things a little bit dramatic here, just for the angst. obviously james probably can't actually transform in front of snape if this is canon-compliant because snape didn't know the animagi secret, right? but...well i supposed james could like shove snape down the tunnel shut the door and then transform or something. so i do like this section with a little bit more risk, where james is perhaps put in a bit of danger as well, simply because i think it makes the opportunities for angst in the next section a little juicier <3

the fallout

aaaaand the part that everyone really loses their minds over!! again, quite a range of options here all of which i think are fertile ground for exploration, and obviously however u wrote the scene of snape going down the tunnel and sirius telling snape are going to impact the fallout a lot. again, i can see the interpretation where all of the marauders are really, really upset with sirius and sort of turn against him for a while, where there's some huge split in the friend group, etc etc. i can also see the interpretation that takes the canon more at its word when sirius and remus brush the incident off years later, and say that remus honestly didn't care that much once it became clear that no one was hurt and his secret wasn't going to get out.

however, following along from my interpretation of sirius-snapping-at-snape and somewhat tense tunnel danger, i once again like to take more of a middle ground approach between these two extremes. i quite enjoy prank angst where remus feels incredibly betrayed, even once he understands that sirius didn't intend to out his secret and that it was largely just carelessness, because i think sirius being careless with this secret would still really, really hurt remus. i also love when this is like...just around the time that both r + s are discovering their feelings for each other and still sort of dancing around it, because that just twists the knife a little bit more in them suddenly falling apart for a while as sirius repents and remus tries to figure out whether he can forgive sirius and like...deal with the pain of knowing this person who knows him so intimately in so many ways still doesn't understand how being a werewolf affects him.

however, for me this is not a situation where all the marauders turn against sirius. i think james's loyalty to his friends is one of his biggest blind spots, and i also like to write him with this tendency towards a bit of black and white thinking when it comes to morality as an additional flaw, such that he can't really believe that his friends, the people he loves, could ever actually be bad people. because...they're his friends! of course they're good! and in this way, i think the prank fallout can be used for really good foreshadowing about how these flaws will later come back to hurt james during the war.

so for me, james is upset with sirius, but he forgives him very quickly--perhaps even too quickly--because...well of course sirius didn't mean to!! sirius is a marauder! he's their best friend! he's dealing with a lot of shit, and james has a unqiue insight into that shit, being the person who sirius ran away to! and sirius is a good person, so obviously he deserves forgiveness! it was a horrible mistake, but nobody was actually hurt!

i think peter mostly goes along with james, because to me a canon peter is more concerned with james than either remus or sirius. like, i think him having a sort of secondary role within the friendgroup where he's always sort of following james around fits very much with his canon characterization and also sets up well, again, for his actions during the war. i also think peter wouldn't care very much, because...well. i don't think canon peter is a great person or has the strongest moral compass. i kinda feel like he'd be like "no one was hurt, all's well that end's well, let's just move on," though of course he would never say that out loud, because clearly all his friends think this is very upsetting.

and then. of course. remus and sirius.

to me, the prank is a critical moment in their relationship. like i said before, i imagine the prank happening just as their sort of beginning to explore their attraction to each other and the possibility that they might be more than just friends. for remus, i think the prank is sort of a wake-up call and a reminder that he and sirius have lived very different lives, and there are certain things about him that sirius will probably just...never understand. i also think it's a moment where remus sees a darker side of sirius, in that like...well remus has grown up with sirius and he knows this kid can be kind of mean sometimes, but he's never been on the other end of that. but now he knows that sirius, as hard as he tries, is still someone who just. hurts the people he loves sometimes. in very brutal ways. and the fact that it's largely unintentional almost makes it worse. because how can remus blame him? how can remus hold him accountable when he didn't even mean to do it?

so for remus i think it's this moment where he has to sort of balance the scales and decide if this budding love he feels for sirius is like...worth it, almost. if it's enough to override all the parts where they don't fit, all the ways they can hurt each other. and i think the fact that he does, eventually, choose to forgive sirius is an incredibly important indication of how much he loves him, and what he is willing to do for that love.

and for sirius this is also very much a wake-up call. like, up to this point i feel like sirius has very much sort of been this spiraling hot mess because of just all the shit building up with his family and him dealing with the aftermath of running away and being disowned. but this is a point where he has to step back and realize--hey, i don't want to be this kind of person. i don't want to be the guy that hurts the people he loves just because he's careless, and angry, and lashing out in whatever way he can to try and get a grip on a life that feels so largely out of his control. and i think it's also a wake-up call that there are things he hasn't understood about remus or hasn't really tried to understand, that since remus being a werewolf has never mattered that much to him (and has even been almost this fun thing, where it's like hey let's become animagi and run around during the full moon!) he just....hasn't considered how much it impacts remus's life. he's been selfish. and he doesn't want to be selfish anymore, because remus matters to him so much, and above all, he doesn't want to lose that. the prank, to me, marks a restructuring of sirius's priorities, and a sort of renewed focus on trying to actually become a better person and deal with his shit.

so i like to imagine...like, a pretty lengthy period of time, ranging anywhere from a few months up to like a year, during which remus and sirius are a bit estranged as they're both figuring all this shit out. and of course that places strain on their friend group--and i think this is the perfect time for remus to get a lot closer with lily, as he seeks out other friends when he doesn't want to be around sirius. but i do think that remus begins to slowly forgive sirius, and they just naturally start to float back together, until they finally do have like. one big conversation one day where they talk about what happened and remus forgives sirius. and i think that marks such an important shift in their relationship, and things get a lot more serious for them from there, because they have both now prioritized each other in a way that they were sort of dancing around before. regardless of how quickly they get together afterwards, i feel like it's after the prank that they each really become each other's person, because they both know they never want to lose the other like that again.

and there u have it!! my take on the prank. like i said, i can see lots of different interpretations even within the constraints of canon, but i think this is my favorite one <3

#ask

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s0lar-ch3ri · 11 months

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ep 51-52 spoilers but i gotta get the thoughts out man (also some for ep 2 of the black rose pirates oneshot)

ok so im going to do it all at once but like the amount of times i panicked with gill and shit over things like the moment the arm was mentioned i KNEW it was jon and how gillion risked so much to save him

(imagine a world where gillion didnt make it and slowly froze to death and was comforted by the ideas of jay and chip making it yet felt ashamed and disappointed as he couldn't save jon or pretzel and on the other side it could be either jay or chip wanting to stay longer and trying to get them back or them both just sobbing at the door because gills fucking dead and- i should stop hurting me emotionally huh)

back to what actually happened im so happy they all ended up fine and shit and id help gill with a villain arc if they did both die (both being jon and pretzel)

more about gillion its just something with how his "insult" wasnt really an insult but rather something he believed that he knew would hurt chip. something how grizzly also used the word sin for dark secret and then gillion talks how he got banished and he probably was very nervous about it going south yet they thought his punching of the navy was kickass.

the fact that gillion hugged jay thinking she was his sister is so sweet yet i could tell from the beginning that edyn wasnt real. i just got the sense for pain man

take gill giving chip a ring and him getting flustered about it whatever way ya want, im just thinking how fucked hed be if jay and chip did indeed fight each other (also you cant tell me that he wasnt taught it by his sister and his test was pretzel who knew how dangerous it could have been yet he could tell she wanted to bond it and so gill has a ring on him somewhere and they pretend that the magic is still in effect and it makes them even closer then before)

chip was a fucking bastard with the whole secret pressuring thing, and grizzly knew. and he used it to fuck up their friendship harder. making the people chip cares for the most (which btw thats so fucking cute writing bout that next) attack him and having someone jay cares about attack someone she also cares about maybe even more while giving gill such a tame one is grizz's plan. worst part is gillion would be used to them teasing each other so he may brush the growing hatred off as just something human friends do. GOD GRIZZLY WHY ARE YOU SO GOOD AT THIS

theres something sweet about bizly telling grizz the people chip cared for the most was jay and gillion because it sounds like he didn't mention arlin, implying chip cares for gillion and jay more then arlin and thats beautiful.

my heart hurts seeing the idea of chip having such bad trust issues and wondering if these guys actually care for him yet he pulls up the wall with insults manned and ready just so that he doesn't need to accept that people he cares about exist and doesn't need to worry about them going away and i made myself pain again AHHHHHHHH

i remember seeing a post about jay being an easy crier and how it doesnt make her any less a girlboss and i fully heartedly agree because aprt of her girlbossness she can acknowledge her barriers and when shit crosses the line and she doesnt hide it up and maybe that inspires chip and gill to be more open about their boundaries and emotions and ill stop before i make more pain but yeah def proven by the flesh room

i dont know if anyone else made the comparison but yall know when finn arlin and dray were going down the hallway and each got flashbacks and shit? the mirages were probs a reference and it was the same order too (charlie, bizly, then condi) and i freaked when i realized!

of course jon is what got gillion pumped up and bsck to his gill self because theyre gay af guys

that ring thing between gill and chip was so fucking gay omfg i hope they keep them happy pride month

the fact that gill just had to be in the middle of chip and jay fighting and idk why i do this to me but maybe he felt bad cause of the shit he said cause while jay and chip said a ton of things and they did feel bad a bit what if gillion felt like he had fucking sinned with this insult because of how bad chip seemed to feel and he just cant help but feel like he helped and all that and god how let me be a fan fic writer

okay comfort for me now (its poly pirates i love them ok) but since gill believed jay enjoyed the clown outfit (plus she mentiondd that she gave up on her dreams) he ends up trying to make one and hes a lil nervous but he asks chip for help and jay just finds them in the room with gill practicing sowing as chip helps him make a clown outfit and jay just is mesmerized by how hard gillion is trying and how chip is just so calm with him and they seem as though this is one of the most important tasks of their lives (for chip its more of making gill happy by helping him learn to sow) and after a bit jay goes back up and what do you know 1 or 2 hours later jay is given a wrapped box by gill who seems very excited and ahe opens it and finds the clown outfit chip helped make and she glances up to see chip give gill a thumbs up and wink and she smiles and tears up at how much effort they spent into making this

more poly pirates comfort coming next post but its really just gonna be writing fanfic ideas that i WILL make after i write a couple moee chapters of my scu fic

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single-malt-scotch · 4 months

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i kno theres a lot of comparison for Good Season between s9 and s7 and i love them both bc they really have entirely different vibes. they cant be the same. i dont think its fair to say why one was better than the other but rather recognize what is different about them and think about the numerous things done and why they worked well, potentially thinking about what would be nice to see going forward.

s7 was interesting bc it isnt unlike s9 in having some kind of central location and then hermits spreading out from there, as well of the numerous 'events' that occurred.

i think a central area is key... not just spawning in the same place together, but spawning there and establishing something there. s9's spawn blossoming in that spot with everyone's small starter homes was lovely because it basically made a small neighborhood. it seemed natural to make a little starter base to prepare and live in before going off to build a potentially bigger base imo. my favorite thing about s9 (kind of s8 simply because of proxy voice) is the excitement and chaos of starting and everyone bumping into each other and poking fun etc and i think spawn is a key part of that! its what i look forward to most for the start of a season.

in terms of events, its something the hermits were very good at in s7 and naturally did in s9 again. events are good. they allow collabs between bigger numbers! i cant even count all the events on each season but i realize i feel there is like... a 'roleplay-ish' event and some kinda game event lol. and strangely we had two events that had to do with controlling a district/server etc (s7 mayor and s9 king). which is just coincidence. but, this kinda back and forth of funny 'lets play pretend" to some degree can be amusing to watch and i dont mind it, but its the way that its played out that matters. s7 mayor was pretty simple and didnt effect other people too hard (it was on a much smaller scale tbh), whilst ren's king arc was incredibly involved!! and that is NOT an insult (i think it was done decently in a way where ppl not involved did not have weird video situations of being confused or left out-- they could ignore it easily).

it is just wild to see the progression of work done between these events these ppl created. honestly no matter the ups and downs of the king arc i cannot applaud ren enough for everything he did, it was insane. this is to say-- i wouldnt doubt a pattern potentially coming through-- playing pretend in a way thats a bit more than just a prank war, and obviously making silly games. games are really The staple of the server and the way people get together to have fun. my only wish would be to not have another mayor/king/etc arc lol. i dont think thatll be an issue.

i think what stands out for both season are the things some hermits make that arent mini games or just a little play pretend, but the long going events that get people involved for a longer period-- s7's button, tag, head games, decked out or the base trade. s9's decked out, tcg, mumbo's new button, ren's quests, etc... and i imagine they will all come up with new things again. s9 at least to me felt like it lacked some of that but its probably more because the ones that did come up lasted a long time inbetween giving hermits more time to work on their builds. but they all came in waves that felt fitting. let a thing happen for a while, it slows down, people spend time more specifically working on their base. rinse repeat. i guess in some ways it felt 'organized' but i can see how it maybe didnt work for some people-- some didnt like watching tcg and when it was the main focus, some people didnt watch. same goes with decked out.

and of course, across both seasons, its always a toss up on how "complete" is feels. and my prespective is less of who completes what, but instead how the season potentially affected their ability to work on their stuff. of course there are all kinds of irl things that affect them too so i cant judge this as if i know everything. s9 felt kind of linear? again, in the sense of how larger scale events were spaced out. and i feel like ppl were given good spans of time to work on their stuff. really, it just seemed like irl things is what slowed some people down towards the end, especially when the pauses between things like tcg and decked out were spent dealing with irl, and then returning because of those events. at least from my perspective, s7 felt a bit more chaotic in terms of this pacing due to the randomness of events and the fact they would often take them away from their bases. i dont actually feel like anyone worked less on their bases in s7 than s9, but the big things that happened were not at all paced the same way as they were in s9 (it sometimes made me feel like they werent making much progress at all even though they were lol).

it is interesting taking a look at these two seasons because i think they had a lot of the same stuff, but both went about it differently. i think these two seasons define the hermits very well-- the kinds of stuff they do, the stuff they enjoy, and what they tend to keep doing. assuming s10 doesnt get some kind s8 treatment i can only see this one going forward just as well as the previous. and i hope as well to see some very interesting new ideas from after the insane massive works like tcg and decked out 2.

#it is interesting to see the contrast of the center of the server #s7 was so focused on markets like. so so much #bc the market was the 'spawn'#on the other hand market wasnt a massive focused for a majority of s9 because it wasnt the center #instead it was spawn where there were mostly homes and whatnot #i just think that alone is interesting #but ironically it was s9 that ended up starting with so much focus on money that they fucked up the ecenomy

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little-lily-w · 1 year

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Hear me out part 5!!!

So Chishiya and you are part of a game where the goal is to find the saveroom and hide there till the game is over, what will take 1 hour in total. Chishiya finds the room very early in the game and you find it by watching him where he goea. So when he approaches the room and gets in there, you follow 2 minutes later after being sure there was no trap in there. When you open the door, he leans on a radiator on the wall that barely reaches his waist (important for later) right next to the door. The room is very small. Its an insult calling it a room when its more like a small space between 2 walls that can *maybe* fit 2 people. You hear gunshots and know that the person who is supposed to kill the ones searching for the saveroom is close so you make a quick decision to get in there, even tho there is almost no space. You realize that the room was chosen so people would fight to get in there. Since the rule stays you have to be *in* the room to make it out alive or the round collor on your neck explodes, you also have to make sure no one sees you entering and hope everyone else is too dumb you find the room. Chishiya pushes himself off the radiator and turns around to look at you, smirking "so you followed me" you didnt wait or gave an answer, instead get into the room, pressing yourself between the blond and the radiator, facing the wall, closing the room behind you. That position was a stupid you soon realize, since you two are almost the same hight, you feel him pretty much glued to your back. You decide to lean over the radiator to get some space away from him, what was now, that you think about it, a stupid idea. Its only your lower body against him but thats enough to make everything for you akward. The automated voice says 40 minutes left and you sigh. Great. You get on your tip toes in hopes to get away a little from his crotch, your hands on the radiator so you wouldnt loose your balance and smack your head against the wall as you hear a click sound " What was that?" You ask "I locked the door" he says completly unbothered by the situation "There is a lock on the door? Why didnt you use it sooner?" He doesnt answer the last question, instead says "If someone is still alive, they eventually will find this room, begging to be let in. If you try to unlock the door, I will throw you out and leave you with them" that was a warning but his voice was emotionless "Then why did you even let me in, in the first place?" Again he doesnt answer and you loose the strengh in your toes sliding down and with that, sliding down on him. You can feel him stiffen behind you and try straight away to get back in that position as you hear him sigh "Stop moving, will you?" The question is should you????? There are 40 minutes left and the both of you are save, what will happen next?

This reminds me of the situation in the tunnel in Surgery II when reader was sitting on his lap as people were being murdered outside lol *dark humor*

Tbh if I'm gonna die and being the brat that I am.... when he tells me to stop moving I'd ask him "why?" And move again. And again. Till we go from the initial eye rolling of his to the huffing to the acceptance that there's no other thing to do but to stay there together. If I'm feeling he's in the mood, I'd tease him non stop till he reacts and snaps and injects some passion into his veins 40 minutes before possible death.

If he's not in the mood and let's say I know for sure he hates my guts and wanted to throw me out the room, I'd *sadly* punch him to knock him out but he'd still live cuz I wouldn't throw him out. Even if we were enemies, I wouldn't do so in case someone could hear me opening the door but the fucker would be night night sleeping the 40 minutes round.

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frecht · 1 month

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im not as passionate abt this as I was this morning because I haven't had the chance to go on tumblr since it all happened but ughh ive been having fun in copenhagen w the history society and came to the realization that the reason I haven't enjoyed the hanging out aspects of any of the other trips I've been on here isn't because I'm in a group. it's because I dislike almost all the people I was friendly with. i knew I couldn't stand one of them (more on her later) but I just realized that the one of them who I often worried was mildly annoyed with me possibly actively dislikes me (though maybe I was just tired) and the other one I really just don't have a lot in common with and the other one I already knew + im fine with. but basically so next weekend we're going to edinburgh over the long weekend. and this morning I open whatsapp to a text from the one I can't stand where she said she used chatgpt to find some ideas for what to do there. this sort of shocked me to my core and I wrote a message back that maybe was a little rude like why in the world would you let that thing make decisions for you etc etc it isn't really acceptable for anything though I get where people are coming from when they use it for a cover letter under no circumstances should you use it for anything else, it just makes stuff up, etc, etc. and she said well didn't you read it? and I said I didnt need to when I can look up what real people who live in edinburgh say is good to do (I was like. shaking mad at this point...didn't get enough sleep last night). and then the other girl who I think doesn't really like me came to her defense and said chatgpt was her best friend (with a tangent mentioning how chatgpt could write finnegans wake but james joyce couldn't write fanfic abt her and her friends (she's a huge joyce fan and I think that is terribly insulting to his memory though I've never read any of his work)) and then the one I already knew said normally she's a chatgpt hater but she respects it for lists and travel ideas. and I got on the train and realized that wow. i just actually hate spending time with all of them. i just can't stand it. so . fingers crossed I can break off from the group a few times while we're there (perhaps even for a while day...) because if belfast is any indication I think I'll actually go crazy if I have to spend 4 days talking to them. like I think 4 days of talking to no one would be better rn. am I just cranky and feeling mean? possibly. but I was really really mad this morning & just needed to get it out.

#talkin

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1186e · 4 months

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hi. so like. i fucked up. i fucked up severely. i know i did, and i can take full responsibility for that now. if youre wondering why it took eight months, well, we can leave it at there were complications, number one being i thought you didnt want something like this. from the moment i was clearheaded enough to start writing an apology, the lack of any word from you made me wonder if you really wanted one. and then todds message would ring in my head and tell me it wasnt wanted here at all.

i dont really know how to convey how much i regret everything or how to even apologize correctly but i figure ive got to do this one way or another. i just really dont want to leave off with… whatever the fuck i said in psychosis, i can barely remember. all i have are my assumptions on what i fucked up, but assumptions are what got me here in the first place, so this is about to be Very Unprofessional And Meandering

ok so the first and most obvious thing to apologize for is. the repeated attempts at disappearing. trying to explain why is like trying to untangle a gordian knot. all i can say is im sorry. im sorry it happened and im sorry it kept happening and im sorry i hurt you. i quite literally wasn't thinking. i was reacting to things i did not tell you about in the moment like some kind of wounded animal. there is a lot a lot a lot i kept from you since december 2019 and like. i really regret keeping it all to myself. maybe having told people would have changed something, but thats a what-if no one can do shit about, and it dont matter any more. i think ive left enough ghosts regardless of whether or not i wanted to

with that out of the way i can try to explain it in other ways. one of the things i really want to say here is there was no resentment. this wasnt a "holding grudges and exploding at the last minute" thing. i was never angry. i did not get that across, ever. i cant think of a time in the last 3 years where i was ever actually mad at you. again, i dont think it ever really seemed like that. i want to say again: you never did anything to make me mad or upset. the reality on my side was much more messy and confusing cos i barely know myself at the best of times, and i know ive been mad about plenty of OTHER things, which makes it more confusing to parse. i want to clarify: you did nothing to upset me or make me hold grudges. the last time, the one i remember the most, i did not leave cos you made me mad or upset or insulted or something. this is going in circles now but what im trying to get to is i thought you wanted me gone. it was fear. i thought all of you there couldnt stand me. a simple sentiment that comes from a clusterfuck of extremely confusing circumstances and signals, and a prophetic one. everything seemed to say i wasn't wanted there. i dont know how to word this except that like. it felt like i was treated different? in a way i could never put words to. a feeling of being on thin ice, or seeing how everyone reacted to each other and seeing how they reacted to me and feeling like it was. less. less good. less enthusiastic. i have no clue if it was the depression refusing to let good memories or good things remain in my brain or the other disorder convincing me the good was somehow bad but i felt like i was a minor character to use. a stupid metaphor. every time i wanted to leave or left it was chasing a feeling of 'i have to go now or they'll kick me out, or im on the cusp of making them hate me somehow'.

anyway what im trying to get to here is just this: you did nothing wrong. you couldn't have known this, or anything going on with me, since i didnt tell anyone and i didnt even realize what was happening until i physically got away from some people i was forced to be around irl. and i know this sounds like an excuse or something but i could not exist around them without them reinforcing incredibly bad habits and insecurities. you did the best you could with the scraps i gave anyone. none of this is your fault. i kept. a lot a lot a lot of secrets cos i was scared of telling people. anything i guess. i am a moron and it is my fault cos i thought i could handle everything on my own back then if only i could try harder and the only thing it did was result in confusing everyone around me + breaking down some of the best relationships in my life. one of those was you, in case it isnt clear.

anyway. back to the point. i know now it feels like i was giving you the silent treatment or attempting to punish you for something unless im getting that very wrong. i have only recently been exposed to people talking about how it feels to be on the other end of this also. i didnt think about how it feels to have someone suddenly and without warning pull away from you (obviously) especially when its not only been once but a repeated occurrence. i also know it doesnt make sense to someone thinking normally, but in those delusional (and when i say delusion i mean it with sincerity, not exaggeration or self depreciation), incredibly stressed out moments, the backwards thinking of "if they want me around they'll reach out, if they don't they wont" felt like it was logical. sometimes people run when they want to be followed but how the fuck are you supposed to know that? the insane logic of "if these people really loved me theyd violate the boundary they thought i put up". no part of this makes sense to me anymore but its easy (for me) to trace the disordered thinking into why it did at one point. but its not healthy and its a stupid as fuck thing to try to pull on other people. and its not good cos. the only person who ever followed that logic and approached me when i was isolating was someone who Wanted to isolate me.

and i know it sounds delusional to say someone could do this and do it on a basis where they didnt want to hurt someone (it quite literally is!) but that was. basically the only thought in my head at the time. i thought my presence was an active detriment + i didnt think i would be noticed if i was gone + i thought leaving would make things better for other people + my first instinct when dealing with the. incredibly intense emotions i was going through at the time is self isolation and online that always seems to manifest as freak out and delete everything or try to + i thought i was approaching the point where i was going to be left so my kneejerk reaction was to leave and be hurt on my own terms or at least leave until the feeling passes + L all around. and im taking the leap right now (too late) in trying to trust that this was all just made up in my head and you felt none of this (at the time at least), this was all transference on my part from. this other. honestly really terrible group i was in (i think i complained about them once or twice where you could see, but about other. petty things i could find words for and not. some other things). and from people i talked to everyday constantly trying to convince me of this. i dont think like this anymore. i recently got back into contact with some people i used to be close with years ago who people irl made sure i isolated myself from and the realization that i can be missed and thought about when im not there hit me like running into a brick wall. i know this sounds like. stupid as shit and probably fake but like. i just was convinced of it?

one thing i have to stop and try to explain here is these actions were like. normal to me. no hostile intent behind them. i have friends that do this to me all the time. i have one whos disappeared on me for months at a time who ive been friends with for a decade, who doesnt answer a single message until she suddenly does and is back until she disappears again. i got used to it i guess. i had another friend group who does this all the time, too (that one i just mentioned), so i didnt think anything of it. people have done it to me irl as well so i guess i just. thought you would react like i do and put it out of your mind until it resolved itself (and if you think 'hey this is contrary to the wanting to be followed idea', it is, and its cos im a hypocrite and my brain followed no logic). i thought the reason id fucked up these times myself was i couldnt cut and go as cleanly as they could cos part of me still wanted to just. stay. and play stupid games with you. i didnt realize my absence would be noticed, i thought it would be better for everyone if i was gone for at least a while, i didnt realize the kind of panic and worry that instills in normal people (especially since when id isolate before i ever met you guys it never seemed to), i didnt think it was possible for someone to worry over me, and i didnt know that sort of thing was linked to something traumatic for you specifically. i wish you'd told me earlier. or maybe you did and i fucking forgot, in which case, im sorry for that too, ive been incredibly tunnel visioned on my own situation for. years. and its made me a really. really shitty friend

i dont think i ever like once opened up to you or anyone about. anything? any of this. any of how my brain worked or how i was doing or what was going on. i bitched a lot, more as the situation i was in actively got worse and made me a worse person , but like. i dont think i ever actually had a conversation with any of you about it. and thats my fault. this is like, really stupid to admit after it already happened, but part of me was sure if i did, if i was really honest and you got a look at how fuckt all my problems were, you'd leave.

and i want to say that came out of nowhere but i cant. i had another group of friends, mentioned before, where that also felt normal. there was someone in there who weaseled my bpd diagnosis out of me and then she like. used this as an example of why i was a bad person and couldnt be trusted, cos she had someone who hurt her who had bpd or something, but they let me stay "on thin ice" if she could "mediate those behaviours". this resulted in a lot of very confusing shit i can barely remember aside from the fact it started around the same time we got the kicked outnotice, around september 2020. but one of them i do remember was when id say i cared about someone or drew something for them she accused me of lovebombing people and said "if people really cared about what you were giving theyd give something back, so stop". and every time i tried to google it i felt like i couldnt prove her wrong. so i ended up like. stopping any and all displays of affection to friends. that statement alone ended up reinforcing a terrible ass. transactional view of things that i know i ended up freaking out with you about at least once. and im sorry about that, too. it was beyond ridiculous and theres no excuse for that

anyway if this feels like its not related to anything, one of the things i wanted to apologize for is im not sure if you noticed like. a sudden drop off in my ability to express affection to you or other people but. that was why. and then while i was high and struggling to get my head around something that happened to me in early april that group exploded and she pointed at me and said i was a terrible person. which is about when i came back with the. im not sure if im remembering what i said right but "why do you care" and the. what was the other thing? that it was better without me? i didnt mean it as angry although i can understand now why in that situation itd be interpreted as lashing out. i meant it as a genuine question. i did not get that across. i was struggling to understand why anyone would care about me at all at in that moment and also very out of touch with reality. maybe fuckin (dialogue tags) like an elcor would have helped idk. i dont know why i suddenly messaged you out of the blue like that all i can think of is like. youd made the feeling go away before and i was hoping that could happen again but i had no clue how to approach anyone first of all and secondly thats a ridiculous burden to put on another person and im so sorry for that

i remember something like insisting i wasnt an attentionwhore when youd messaged me before and like i know you must have not had a fucking clue where that came from and i didnt know where to go with an "okay" so i didnt. say anything. and it was a ridiculous outburst cause by like. this terrible thing that happened in april that goes back to march that like. i still dont know how to talk about. but something happened and when i tried to tell people about it i made the mistake of assuming these people liked me and when i tried to come clean about something that had happened to me i got called an attentionwhoring freak and i got dropped in favour of. someone else. and i was trying really really really fucking hard to act normal but i could interact with nothing and do nothing except give my things away and stare at a screen and i didnt know who i could tell and it was your birthday month and i didnt want to make it about me but i fucking. did in the end. ruined that whole thing. im sorry i fucked up april for you and im sorry i never finished that art i said id make for it and im. sorry i never told you anything earlier that could have averted this. the timing was too awful it was too close to. your birthday and we were always doing something in that mmo and it felt like something bad was always happening to you too and. i dont know. i thought it was a space i couldnt take up and that no one wanted me to. i guess it all comes back to the fear again i was too scared to ask if i could tell anyone and i was too scared to. admit anything was happening. even after the point where it was really obvious. if i admitted it i had to admit to myself i didnt have control over what had happened

although from everything that was said to me im assuming i ruined things long ago and no one ever told me. so to the point: im sorry i ruined your life and for being a shitty friend. i'm sorry for being so fucking weird and cagey and unable to explain or communicate anything at all. now that ive been actively trying to trust someone theres nothing i regret more than not being able to do it sooner and all the fuckin. hurt and confusion my lack of trust caused

another thing i want to apologize for is like. the several times id tried to talk to you about something but came off very aggressively. i never realized how weird it was to approach people like that until like. well for one your reactions to it. but until i left the situation i was in irl and got to interact with a Normal Person everyday that was just like. how things happened around me. i didnt realize it wasn't normal, i thought that like, your patience and kindness and understanding in response was abnormal and i didnt know how to respond to that. i mean, it certainly defused me every time. you are like a master of deescalation but im guessing that comes with your job. anyway what i wanted to say here was i'm sorry for always approaching things so aggressively, especially if that was the lashing out. i thought i was learning to communicate better but i wasn't. i certainly wasnt fucking communicating That or Anything that was Happening. and like im sorry for the stress that caused you being faced with sudden aggression like that and trying to figure out what the fuck my problem was

another thing i want to apologize for is the like. idk how to describe this one except for "promoting callouts and cherry picking". i know you already know what im referring to. i dont know why i did this considering it fed back into my paranoia too but the only thing i can think of is considering how fucking shitty my situation was i wanted control over something. and sometimes that was 'look at how terrible these people are'. which is not an excuse for the behaviour, i should have remembered you were also in a shitty situation you had little control over. ever since i got to live away from the toxic sludge dump and got medicated this literally means nothing to me but i know it probably stoked your own paranoia too and im sorry about that. everything i brought up was a ridiculous thing to draw lines over. memories of some of the things id gotten tilted over come back to me sometimes and i put my head in my hands. im sorry for the stress i caused here too!

im trying to think of other stupid ass things ive done and like. i am also sorry for being. so secretive? if you understand. like telling you not to tell people stuff. i think you already know what sort of complexes were making me do that, given how many times ive told people stuff and then had them turn around and make fun of it in a private group. but also i was not dealing w that in a healthy way at all and making some pretty ridiculous demands, like of even keeping something from your twin? even something that innocuous? i want to say im not that stupid but i was the one who asked. and to that end i dont care what you do with this apology or who you share it with im sure theres shit in here that deserves to be made fun of to hell and back.

and that is all i can remember to apologize for, but im assuming to have been cut out like that there must be a shit ton im not remembering. one of the only things i can remember you saying before you left was "you say you wont be an asshole but are" and thats just vague enough it could be literally anything i just brought up, but if its not one of those, and you want an apology for it. you know where to find me on discord i assume im in your block list. also if you just want to like. yell at me. for all of this. you can. its fine. you can do that and then block me again idk and like. thats what i get

and i know this is a whole ass fucking essay and i really really hope this is 'explanation' and not 'excuse'. i dont want any of this to excuse what i did, because i know it was fucking awful and i will never be able to apologize enough for what i put you through. to use one of those cliche apology lines, but like with sincerity, there is no excuse for my behaviour, and none of what happened is your fault. its mine and a result of my fuckups and my insecurities and my twisting myself into knots. you were like unfailingly kind and patient even when i read you or a situation wrong, the only fault here lies with me and my trust issues and the fact i could just not. get myself to believe. and being too zeroed in on what i was going through to consider how i was affecting other people. now that i actually want to be here there are like. so many things i wish i could go back and change. but i cant. i have to live with how i was immature and emotionally reactive and terrified of everything and. everything i fucked up when i thought i would not live long enough to see the consequences. i guess another thing i want to apologize for is theres definitely some times i probably made you feel like you were still at your job dealing with a child lmfao

a lot of this happened cos like. i dont know how to put this (how many times have i written that so far) other than being like. completely unaware of what i am to people and desperate for some kind of indication i was as significant in other peoples lives as they were in mine, which felt fundamentally impossible, but was also something i was just too fucking scared to ever try to ask directly. or i guess it felt like if i had to ask i was being manipulative or forcing you into a situation where you had to give a nice answer cos you didnt want to upset me or something and i didnt. want that. (which i guess ties in again to lack of trust. like not trusting you to give an honest answer. im not sure why) which makes no sense cos in the end the trying to see without asking ends up. more manipulative? i mean thats obvious but the thought somehow never occurs in the moment. and i could not read any of you at all and the feedback loop was an electric chair. or i guess like. i was constantly asking the question 'do you still love me even though im made of flaws' again and again until i got the no that validated my worldview. and i did not reciprocate the care shown to me at any point. i could not love u or anyone in a way that mattered.

i guess what it comes down to is i was a massive cunt and for what. i dont even know anymore. i sit here and the self preservation looks stupid as shit and didnt even preserve my self in the end, and was directed at the wrong fucking people. king of making mountains out of grains of rice on the floor.

i dont like. want to be your friend again or even forgiven. i dont think this works like that i dont think ideserve that. i just want to end things on a less confusing note i guess. i hope this is less confusing. somehow? it is all of my fucking issues irt what lead to this laid bare i guess or at least as bare as i can make it right now and if all you have in response is a "get help and leave me alone freak" itd be deserved

i guess to get to the actual point of all this. im sorry. you deserved better than this. i think i might have made it feel like you were responsible for my emotions or behaviour, which i didnt want to, and you werent. i was responsible for every shitty reaction and thought i had no matter the circumstances, i was the one who could have brought things up and made myself feel better at any point but i never did. and i never knew what i needed in the moment so i asked for stupid things that never helped and only confused people, especially when i didnt realize the scope of what id done and tried to move on asap since lingering on the. memories of the things that instigated whenever this would happen was. a lot.

you met me at the weirdest fucking time in my life and i wish i could have been a good friend instead. im sorry for everything, for not learning how to communicate in time to avert this dumbass self-created tragedy of an ending, for the bad faith takes, for the aggression, for any worry or panic i created. i wish i could make things better or fix things or make amends somehow but like i have no clue how to and i dont think anyone would let me. you have a lot of good people looking out for you! im sure they can help you better than i can. i was the one who pushed this until it broke so it feels like the only thematically fitting thing i can do is disappear right this time.

i dont expect you to look past any of this shit or even respond but like, if you have been at any point, please dont worry. about me trying to contact you again or just about me in general. im not your problem anymore and im in a way better space. i guess one last thing i regret is not being able to leave my situation in time for that to really matter here. i hope untangling the things we wrote together hasnt been too painful for you. im sorry i turned out to be the kind of person who has to try to write a hedge maze of an apology like this. this is like not even an apology anymore its just like a goodbye letter and its taking ages so

i do want to let you know you were unfailingly kind to me and its my fault i floundered and didnt know how to react to that. im sorry i wore out that kindness and patience. im sorry for all the love i was too stupid to know what to do with and forgot about and now can never repay even for the bits i do remember. this was not a relationship i wanted to push until it broke but i did! i thought in the moment i was only hurting myself but i wasnt! it never crossed my mind that someone who is your friend can't stand there and watch you hurt yourself without being hurt in turn. and im sorry that now we both have to deal with the fallout of. me. i hope in some way this makes that easier on you at least. it wasn't your fault, you werent responsible for my behaviour, i won't bother you again, and i realize now that going dfe and not giving anyone a name to block was like, a shitty paranoia inducing thing to do, so here's me giving you one. i hope the damage i did for you doesnt last long + the detox and recovery is. not so bumpy at least

i really dont know how to end this since like. everything ive read about apologies in the past few months (you can laugh at me for looking. none of it helped) says like. tell them how you wont repeat this. i cant tell you that cos there is nothing to repeat cos there is nothing here and nothing to go back to. i guess what i can say is im sorry i made it that way. now i live with someone who doesnt love to trigger those same relationship paranoia spirals. about the best thing to come of this situation, even if it didnt seem like it at the time, was that it was enough of a world-shattering event to make me realize physically i had to get away from where i was or nothing would ever change. i think cos of this, and cos of some things you guys taught me that i can only try applying now, i can be a better friend to people. but not you. i wish i could refund you guys any of the damn money you spent on me

ok so like. this has dragged on forever. both this and the waiting for. so thank you for being in my life for the short period you were. the three years (and a half?) we knew each other were good i think you guys were one of the best parts of those years despite how i acted. i wish id been more grateful and im sorry i wasnt as good a friend to you as you were to me. i hope the rest of december is good to you and i hope the holidays and new years are fun. i fucked up last nye cos i thought you didnt want to spend time with me and was trying to play it off casually, and you deserve better than that, too, so like i hope the one you get this time is better and memorable. i hope the rest of your life is happy and you get back the good you put into the world someday. thank you for taking the time to read this far. alright. goodnight and goodbye

#so much for keeping it short whatever one shot no editing. this is how it goes out #'like' isnt even a real to me anymore but i keep putting it in every other word #so long and goodnight hope you had the time of your life etc etc ok. send tweet

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stagemanagerssaygo · 4 years

Text

Heaven and Hell: or my experience being a person of color in Disney’s Hyperion Theater

by Cooper Howell

Heaven and Hell: or my experience being a person of color in Disney's Hyperion Theater. #holdingtheateraccountable Im just gonna go ahead and be straight up. This is pretty scary to share. HEAVEN: Once upon a time Liesl Tommy cast me as Prince Hans in Frozen: Live at the Hyperion. And I was gooped. GOOPED. There was nothing in my prior history that gave any indication this was possible. Up until then every role I played had to do with my race. Every. Single. One. And even ones where it didn’t (Shakespeare or classical pieces mostly) I was always made aware that the novelty of me being a poc in that role that gave me the part. So much did I not expect to get this part that when I got the callback I rolled my eyes and didn’t take the actual callback seriously. I mean, there was a zero percent chance that Disney would ever let me play a Prince, especially when the dude in the movie is a ginger. But then I got it. And immediately everything I thought was possible about my career changed. My whole life I’ve never inwardly felt black. I’ve never inwardly felt white. I’ve always felt like I was Cooper, you know, on the inside. But whether it was every single white human in Utah reminding me that I was “the whitest person they ever knew/saw” (which DIDNT mean how white my skin was. It was how white I ACTED) or Mr. Johnson, my 7th grade drama teacher, telling me that he “wanted to put Velcro on the ceiling to see if I’d stick” or Mr. Smith, my high school drama teacher, saying “finally we can do black shows” as soon as I entered high school and then not casting me in roles because of the "optics" of it, or even my best friend in high school Tanner Harmon who called me "blackie", I was always reminded that I was an other. So imagine getting paid good money to put on that $10,000 costume and waltzing out to 4000 people a day to play a really amazing part. A fantastic, evil, complicated, person who sings a killer duet and then grabs the show by the throat with a vicious about-face monologue... and not once was my race ever mentioned cuz it didnt matter. What was being prized was Cooper, my talent, not my skin color that I never asked for. Heaven. Liesl MADE SURE, almost overly sure, that the poc’s in the cast felt equal. The kingdom of Arendelle, after all, is a make believe place. It can be whatever. From having Disney executives come and tell us that they were happy to have us there, to side conversations with John Lasseter, we were made to feel overly welcome playing the parts we were playing. She encouraged us to dive deeper into the script of a cartoon that I didnt really think much of until I was in it. We were encouraged to ask why. We felt seen as talent and not commodities. There were, of course, detractors. Gosh, I remember people at a party of cast members from "Mickey and the Magical Map" another show at Disneyland which features a princess and the frog number and many of those casts mates angrily claiming that “if that black girl Tiana Okoye can play Elsa than I should be able to play Princess Tiana” and then looking at me to confirm that was okay to say, not realizing that a) she’s one of my best friends, b) that I’m in the show with her also playing a role that wasn't created to be a poc, c) how racist that sounded, and d) why there's a difference there and why that wouldn't make sense. On Liesls final night I came up to her and said “I don’t know why you did it but thank you so much for casting ME in this part” to which she replied “you mean why would I cast a handsome, talented person in this role?” And I stuttered something like “well, I mean, I’m black. You know...” to which she tilted her head to her side and said “no. I don’t know why. Tell me why that matters.” And I had no answer. Seeing that I had no answer she smiled. That was the answer. There was no reason. On the spot my outlook about myself changed. Windows into what I thought was possible for me opened. -------------------------------------- HELL: And then Liesl went back to NYC and she was replaced by a man named Roger Castellano as show director. Rogers task, he told us on the first day, was to "change the show". We were not told what needed to be changed or even why, but that changes were on the horizon. You've got to understand: to a full cast of actors who had just spent more than three months dissecting a 60 page Disney script with a Tony nominated director like it was Shakespeare, we were initially emotionally/mentally/spiritually resistant to changes. But then it became clear that the spirit of collaboration was over, and the show changes were to be given without the same care, consideration, and thematic explanation of why they were being made. Everyones initial reaction was to push back, but when people who questioned their notes or their changes started getting days removed their schedule or being replaced entirely by a new actor, the Hyperion theater became a place where no one was allowed to speak out. Injustices were happening left and right and no one felt they could do anything for fear of losing their livelihood. And that's when the Frozen: Live at the Hyperion became a living hell. In my first note session with Roger he pulled me into a room with Domonique Paton, my best friend and incredible costar who played princess Anna in the show I was in. She just so happens to also be black. Almost all of Prince Hans’s scenes in the show are with her character and so most of my notes would be primarily based on those interactions with her. Earlier in the day I performed with a different (white) actress but it was the show with Domonique that I had a note session about. Imagine my surprise and dismay when, with how Liesl set up the show experience, we were told this: “WHEN THE TWO OF YOU PERFORM THE SHOW TOGETHER ITS TOO… URBAN.” Urban. What else could that have meant, do you think? He could have said maybe “too contemporary” emphasizing that we were maybe too modern in our speech patterns or movements. We weren’t. He could have said “too lax” or “too loose” meaning that maybe we were being unprofessional and goofy up there because we’re really good friends. We were not. The best me and Ms. Paton could think of was a 8 count moment of improv dance that me and Domonique decided to use as a synchronized moment of unity. It happened to fall on the line “our mental synchronization can have but one explanation” and thought, with the freedom that Christopher (the original choreographer) had given us, was appropriate, especially considering everyone behind us was doing the robot. As in the 80s robot. But he didnt clarify. He just said “WHEN THE TWO OF YOU PERFORM THE SHOW TOGETHER IT’S TOO… URBAN” And when asked what he meant he smiled with a little shrug and said "you can figure that out. You're smart." And thats how I became Black Hans and Domonique became Black Anna. My every moment onstage afterwards became about the optics of being a poc in that show. It was if I was suddenly made aware that I was LUCKY enough to be there and under any normal circumstances, or this new directors circumstances, me getting this part would have never happened. But the message was clear. It was especially clear when me and Domonique Paton shows together durastically decreased and made even more clear when the vast majority of the new hires were not people of color. But no one said anything. And made even MORE clear when, over the next few weeks, both Domonique and I got COPIOUS notes, ten times that of our coworkers that played the same parts. It was almost a game. In fact we did turn it into a game, seeing who would get the least amount of notes from him in a day. Our costars would even joke about it onstage with us, during the ballroom scene, and jokingly whisper "The shows been up 15 minutes. How many do you think you got today?" But no one said anything. And the notes were about all kinds of things. How we held our hand. If our inflections went up or down on a word. Which side of a couch we leaned on… which was fine! When you're an actor, thats the gig... until we started comparing our notes with the actors that played our same parts and none of them, NONE, would get the same notes. Our notes would be outrageously longer, the note sessions sometimes lasting 10/15 minutes. Others would get the “Oh hey, try doing this or that next time, okay bye” walk-by notes. Sometimes I would sneak into the audience and watch as some of the other Han's, some of whom changed lines, changed entire intentions of scenes, some of whom adding in all types of vocalizations and cackles and dance moves and what have you, and would receive ZERO notes. But I was watching them to see what was wrong with me. What was my performance missing? What am I actually doing to feel this singled out. And then I realized that the thing that was wrong with me was that I was a different color than the 5 other white Hans's they cast. And then I started getting notes about my penis. Most of the time these “penis sessions”, as I called them, were given in private rooms without another stage manager present. It was incredibly unpleasant and unprofessional. In fairness, those Prince Hans pants are TIGHT! And yes, Mr. Howell is indeed a party in the front and a party in the back, but so were a lot of those fellas. And thats where I put my foot down. If Disney was going to provide me with a costume it is not my responsibility to fix their problem, especially when other of my (white) costars had been given a dance belt for the same thing. But they never got penis notes. Private session notes about what their penis looked like in that show. Over and over again I was told to fix it, to not make it (my dick) so apparent, and that “if my daughter were younger I wouldn’t want her to come to a show you were performing at" all the more insulting considering his daughter, a cast member in the show, was a friend of mine and the loveliest person. He started demanding that I buy a dance belt. It was “my fault”, “my responsibility” …and thats where I took my stand. And then it really became hell. Penis sessions were now done out in the open. Once, he screamed at me, in the green room in front of all of my costars during lunch, about how incredible unprofessional I was, about how he was tired of seeing my dick, and that if I didnt go buy myself one I didnt deserve to be there anymore. Followed by a huge litany of notes. That doesnt compare to some of what Domonique went through and I invite her to share them if she’s willing. During this time I went to every stage manager in the building and told them about being singling out and about my penis. They all told me to write a complaint report and it would go to some place called "HR". Which I did. Numerously. More months passed. Nothing from "HR". Multiple cast members who witnessed my note sessions encouraged me to go to the HR themselves. I didnt honestly know what an HR was. As soon as it was explained to me by my allies even what an HR was I went to the head of HR at Disneyland herself and waited outside of her door. I asked her if she got any of my HR reports and she told me that she had received no HR reports from the Hyperion. Ever. And then asked me to fill out a HR form. As we went over it, she asked me some questions, and then set up a second meeting. On the second meeting she said that in order for my report to be given credence I would need witnesses to give their testimony. The witnesses, in fact the very people that told me to go to HR in the first place, said no. They didnt want to lose their jobs. In retrospect that might be the thing that hurt the most but, whatever... anyway, I was told "“well… without testimonies we’ll do an investigation and we’ll call you when we’ve completed it.” I never received a phone call. With absolutely zero protection from the stage managers from both the sexual harassment or my obvious racial targeting I (and others) were experiencing, not to mention that HR reports were doing nothing, aka not being forwarded, I thought about quitting. And when a white stage manager made a show mistake and laughed it off to the cast by saying an entirely offensive lynching joke, I quit. I didnt matter to Disney. How I felt and what I was being put through didnt matter. I was a commodity. My departure was unceremonious. Bizarre. 100% un-magical. I hung up my costume one last time and it was given to a new Hans, one who looked very much like me oddly, and stepped out of the theater. The park was playing “every wish your heart desires will come to you” and I remember laughing at how dead that song felt. The director has since moved on but still works as a musical theater director in Southern California. This one time 4 years ago I got to feel something other than my color for the first and only time in my professional career. It lasted from about March 2016 to July 2016 and never again since. I will never forget in those early days looking at all the beautiful princesses I got to woo and thinking “wow. I’m a prince right now.” Im sure that sounds stupid. But it didn't feel stupid. And a Disney prince! Yeah, a shitty prince kinda... I mean, he's a sociopath... BUT still a Prince! Especially special was being able to look in Dominique’s eyes and I could see the same glimmer of “can you believe we get to do this right now” reflected back. We never knew it was in the cards for us. My race always has and will always be part of my career equation and a determining factor of its projection. It will always be a determining factor in how im treated, by creatives, by people, by the those in authority over me, including the government and the police. #wasitmyskin

Copied in its entirety here from Cooper Howell’s public Facebook post: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10163696376095054&set=a.10151302685610054&type=3&theater

11K notes · View notes

actualbird · 3 years

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Oh god!

I really love the poly headcanons they are so sweet.... (or don't but that's part of it and i think the tot boys+MC deserve all the love the world has to give).

But, liking it or not, our 4 beloved boys are kinda complicated (that's what makes them perfect). Plus I never thought about how people get in poly relationships. So i was thinking, how do you think they all get into a polyrelationship together?

(I really have no idea of how that would happen)

hi, two anons!! im glad you guys liked my nxx team polycule stuff!! i'll answer these in one go, my "headcanon" (in quotes because i think this kinda turned into a character analysis/minific of sorts HAHA) being what first anon asked, How They Get Together.

heads up, wc of this is 1.9k words long so buckle up for a bit of a read jfsjdfkjbf

because first anon, youre right!!! the boys are stupendously complicated which i love so so much but canon has also shown us clearly that each of the boys' quirks and habits and tendencies causes a lot of (mostly played for laughs) friction. the bickering, the backhanded insults, the "im the best one here" preening contests. theyre all SOOOO RIDICULOUS and it is hilarious but yep! the boys r complex!! and that means this beautiful ship, imo, has a lot of phases to get to the actual romantic relationship bit.

how they get together, in my opinion, starts because of mc.

not in the sense that she matchmakes them all, but like.

phase 1 of the nxx team polycule is this:

through being in love with her (which we all know the boys 100% are), each of the boys come to terms with their own flaws and weaknesses. it's very apparent to me in all the story thus far that these boys are flawed as hell, it's very compelling but even more compelling to me is how all of them also do intense mental gymnastics to Not Confront Those Flaws. like, marius is a dickbag always teasing and toeing the line of insincerity, vyn is a controlling mf who always tries to sway situations to his benefit, artem is so repressed to the point that he has genuine trouble with emotions, luke is a self sacrificial bastard and also a huge hypocrite about how no, actually, hes the only one that should be hiding his pain and being dishonest, no dishonesty from other people!! in the beginning of the story, all the boys have their flaws and seem to have just kinda...not addressed how those flaws are harming them and the people around them.

and then mc rolls around and they all fall in love with her. and she sees those flaws and she doesnt let them slide. she challenges the boys in her own ways to see another side of the situation, to acknowledge what theyre doing. she doesnt want to get rid of flaws, thats impossible and also not cool. she just has this beautiful hope for like, all of humanity, that goodness can prevail with the right work. so when she sees her beloved nxx boys, she believes that for them as well.

which leads to phase 2 of the nxx team polycule:

the boys, more aware of themselves, become more aware of each other.

they werent Unaware of the others of course. it's just that they didnt like...truly connect on a personal level just yet. they saw the other teammembers with their emotional armor and flaws and saw a wall that wasnt worth looking past.

but after mc makes them realize that hey, flaws arent the end of the world actually, it's alright and the person behind them may just be worth it, the boys like. end up understanding the others. A LOT OF THIS BIT IS UNINTENTIONAL, ON THEIR PARTS KJDSBFS. like they stumble into understanding each other by accident, they didnt plan it, but over the course of nxx investigations, it's inevitable that they end up seeing the depths of the others. i delve into this a little bit in my fanfic "filler eps of the lost gold" where the boys are just going thru their actions and then trip over another boy's fears or desires and through that, gain a deeper understanding mutually.

and with understanding, sometimes, comes trust.

phase 3 of the nxx team polycule goes like this:

everybody in this team, whether they like it or not, whether they know it or not, has a heart that wants to give love so desperately.

marius lives in a world full of snakes so he cant have his heart on his sleeve for his own protection. vyn wants to be seen as perfect and the heart is inherently messy so he holds it back. artem for a very very long time was focused on work and success and achievement that he neglected his heart. and luke has been giving love all his life in a sense but in a way thats hidden.

all these tendencies that are brought upon their life circumstances results in this: they want to love honestly but they havent been able to do this

until mc. and all of them want to push back whatever fears or patterns their life has instilled in them because they see her and see somebody so unwaveringly good that all their hearts begin giving love to her to make her happy and to make themselves happy as well.

but heres the thing. the boys dont just see mc. by this point, they have connected and understood and come to trust each other as well, and the consequence of that is that They Can See Each Other Now Too, Truly.

and heres the thing. all of the boys are unwaveringly good as well.

one by one, each of the boys realize that what they feel for the other boys in the team starts to...change. yeah theyre all friends, they pick on each other a lot of the time, but the bedrock of the relationship is solid and strong now. but when marius is with luke, marius sees a light inside of luke so bright that he seems unaware that he gives off. when artem is with vyn, artem sees a goodness inside of vyn that hesitates to make itself obvious and known because vyn is scared of getting hurt thanks to it. all of them see the other and their goodness and, unbidden, their hearts want to give love to each other as well.

and because theyre all a bit stupid in their own way theyre like, huh, weird! wonder why this feeling is so familiar! and yet i cant seem to name it...and then they all independently compare these feeling with the feelings they have for mc, a feeling they do know the name of, and theyre like.

WAIT.

THESE FEELINGS ARE...VERY BASICALLY EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL FOR MC.

which only means one thing: theyve fallen in love with everybody else

marius: //goes to his studio to Think and sees that a bunch of his recent art actually had little crumbs of these feelings already, etched into the brushstrokes and scenes. has an emotional crisis about it

vyn: //records a 1 hour long entry in his audio diary to examine and gain control of his feelings but by the end of the hour all he knows is that he wants to hold these people and be held by them

artem: //quite literally just bluescreens, artem.exe has stopped working, sits at his study and slowly, slowly, thunks his head down onto his desk, valiantly trying to ignore the fast pulse of his heart

luke: //manically vents about it to peanut who, by virtue of being a bird, doesnt get it. just keeps talking at peanut to get a grasp of it all and then lies down on the floor, overwhelmed

mc, sitting in her apartment watching some netflix: ...why do i inexplicably feel as if something very, very important has just happened?

phase 4 of the nxx team polycule is basically:

pining: extreme difficulty level

because pining is already hard when ur pining for one person. what more for an additional 3 more people. and those additional 3 more people are pining back.

and all these boys are SOOOO OBVIOUS with their romantic feelings, in their own special way. the way they show their affection to mc starts to bleed into their interactions with the others and everybody can CLEARLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON, LOL, but also all the boys are too chickenshit to confront it, because if they confront it, what will even happen??? being in love with each other, all of them, thats going to be such a complicated fucking relationship, holy shit. it's 2030, yeah, being a polyamorous group relationship isnt completely unheard of, but sue them, theyre scared.

but mc (who i forgot to mention already knows of the boys' romantic feelings for her, shes just hasnt made a move yet on any of them because SHES IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM AS WELL and shes been trying to figure out how the hell to make that work, she cant bear to choose just one of them, she'd be heartbroken over leaving the rest of them behind) sees that the nxx investigation team is now all pining for each other FULLY and she kinda wants to laugh when she realizes whats going on because like, what are the chances? that this would happen? that they all found each other and their feelings fell into just the right place for nobody to be left behind?

theyre all scared, she can tell. and she is as well, she wont lie.

but shes always had a belief that goodness can prevail with the right work.

and love is one of the greatest goods out there.

phase 5 of the nxx team polycule:

It's Time For Communication, Baby!!!!!

the exact scenes of how this happens is a bit vague to me. it could go two ways: mc going to each of the boys independently to talk about feelings, hers about everybodys and his about everybodys as well. OR they have a fucking meeting about it all together and artem literally schedules it in his google calendar, or something.

either way, they like, actually talk about this. starts casual, maybe over a chill date, maybe over dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe over a walk in the park as the sun is starting to set. but where ever it happens, the end result is the same: a heart is laid out bare and it is taken in gentle, grateful hands.

marius: OKAY, NOW THAT THE FEELINGS ARE OUT OF THE WAY, CAN I PLEASE KISS ONE OR ALL OF YOU, PLEASE, IVE BEEN WANTING TO KISS U GUYS FOR FOREVER

vyn, laughing fondly: has anybody ever told you patience is a virtue? we quite literally just talked it all out.

marius: //needy whining noises

artem, embarrassed: ive...never kissed anybody before

luke, embarrassed but trying to play it Cool: ....same here

mc: kissing is great, you two will love it!

marius: awesome, awesome, so is ANYBODY going to give me a go ahead or WHAT????

phase 6 of the nxx team polycule:

i dont want to say it's happily ever after, once they all get together. thats not really realistic.

they all have their quirks and tendencies and habits. and those will inevitable clash against each other. theyll have their arguments, theyll get upset, theyll sulk and be angry, sometimes. but also...

theyll see each other smile and feel like their love shining so brightly. theyll reach out for another's hand and be held in such a way that makes them think that their heart is in a safe place. theyll love each other and theyll put in the work to continue loving each other. because goodness will prevail.

and they all see each other as the most good people in the world.

so whatever happens, theyll get through it together.

#tears of themis #vyn richter #marius von hagen #tears of themis rosa #artem wing

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classic80sand90smovieloves2 · 3 years

Text

Meeting and Dating Benny Rodriguez

(Not my gif)(Requested by anonymous)

- You and Benny met when you were younger. You’d lived in the neighborhood your entire life and with Benny and the boys being the only kids around your house; and the fact that you were a bit of a tomboy in general, they were who you made friends with.

- Like most young boys, they weren’t too keen on some little girl butting into their games, but you were persistent! It took you a couple weeks and a whole lot of effort but soon enough they let you stay and play without any complaints. After that, the rest was history.

- You’d sort of always just been one of the guys. The main reason you were allowed to stick around was because they nearly forgot you weren’t one. You played baseball, weren’t afraid to get dirty, and never acted all “prissy”; you were the only type of girl they’d ever be caught dead letting into their crew.

- And; without any opposition from you, that’s how things went on for a few years. It wasnt until you got a little older that you realized that being “one of the boys” maybe wasn’t the ...greatest thing in the world.

- You sort of always had a thing for Benny. It was easier to brush off and not realize when you were younger but as you got into your teenage years, it became more difficult to ignore.

- And thus, your dilemma finally became obvious. You’d spent so long being one of the guys that you were completely sure Benny only saw you as that; he sure acted like he did.

- So a million thoughts raced through your head. You wondered if you could change how he saw you, if you wanted to, how you’d do it, should you do it, when you’d do it, etc. Maybe you should try some makeup, change your clothes, your personality; should you stop hanging around him so much?

- You had no idea what to do ...so you tried a few things. You dressed a tad bit girlier; not enough to have the gang on you or ruin your ability to play, and wore your hair down, and ...nothing happened.

- All you got was a few comments from the guys asking “what’s up with the hair?”. Soon enough, you were grumpily pulling your hair up into a ponytail after getting not even the slightest reaction from Benny.

- After several attempts, you’re at a loss and somewhat frustrated. You debate just telling him but the day you decide to, you chicken out and stay home.

- Your mother tells Benny you aren’t feeling well when he asks if you can come out and play and you watch from behind the curtain guiltily as he leaves your front steps, casting one last look from behind his shoulder at your window.

- You don’t show up to the field for another day or two before deciding that you need to go back, missing your friends and fresh air. You figure you can play it cool like always, and you do, getting welcome back slaps on the back and shakes.

- You play for a few hours before the boys have to go home and you’re left on the field alone with Benny. You’re just about to walk out as well ...up until Benny calls after you. With a deep breath, you jog back over and stand in front of him.

“You feeling better?” he asks and you both nod, one after the other.

“That’s good. I missed you out here,” he says before seeming to realize what he said. He laughs slightly before following up with a “Yeah-Yeah sucks at playing your position.”.

- You both laugh before he asks “why don’t we play, just you and me. You throw and I’ll hit”. And you try to turn him down, telling him that you should be getting home, but then he gives you that smile of his and a “come on” and you just can’t refuse.

- So you get in position and the two of you play, swapping turns back and forth when you have to run and catch the ball.

- On one of your last few throws, he runs over to hand you the ball but doesn’t immediately let go. Instead, he leans in and presses a chaste kiss to your cheek before running back to his spot on the field, casting a look back at you and subsequently a smile as he does.

- The two of you kiss for real when you’re at the edge of the field, getting ready to walk home. He calls your name and you pause, standing still as he grips your shoulder and leans in, planting a peck on your lips.

“Why’d you do that?” you ask, though it’s obvious that you don’t mind.

He merely shrugs and grins at you. “I wanted to.”

- You can’t help but smile back, letting him wrap an arm around your shoulders and walk you off the field.

- There isn’t a ton of pda in your relationship but there’s a bunch of contact: high fives, his arm around your shoulders, his leg touching yours when you sit next to each other. He just doesn’t want the guys on your case for the rest of the week for a measly kiss in front of them.

- Affectionate hair ruffling.

- Hand holding, usually when the gang isn't around; unless it’s Smalls.

- Forehead and cheek kisses.

- Soft kisses.

- He has your picture on his dresser and you cant help but smile every time you see it.

- When it really comes down to it, he’s got a huge soft spot for you. He may treat you like one of the boys most of the time but there’s a twinkle in his eyes that tells you you’re definitely different from them to him.

- Excited hugs, usually after he accomplishes something big or you get good news.

- Sitting in between his legs, usually with his chest pressed against your back.

- He doesn’t mind cuddling, even if it’s sort of in front of the gang, mainly because his style of cuddling is his arm draped over your shoulder and you resting against his side.

- As though he’d allow you to not have a nickname! He doesn’t really use petnames except; maybe, when he’s using them as jokes or sarcastically, but you’ve probably had a nickname since you were little that he still uses.

- Although, he does say “that’s my girl” to himself or just outloud whenever he gets all proud of you; like when you score a homerun.

- The boys definitely tease him about you. Its the one thing they have on him.

- He lets you win when you guys race. You’re absolutely aware of it but you think it’s cute so you both jokingly pretend he didnt.

- He’s always there to help get you out of a pickle. If you have a problem it is both your problems the minute you tell him.

- He always brushes off your praise with a halfhearted and playful scoff but in actuality, he loves it whenever he gets a compliment from you.

- There’s definitely been moments where you’ve been in his room with him and asked about some sort of clothing item and he just casually asks if you want it. And ...You’re damn right you do.

- Randomly being carried away from things isn’t all too uncommon for you. He likes to pick you up, whether it’s just by your armpits or in a piggyback ride.

- Walking home from school together.

- Spending your summers together.

- Expect a lot of random visits and him calling you to come hang out. If he wants to see you, he’ll just come knocking on your door.

- Smalls is sort of like your adoptive child, even though you're only like two years older than him. You’re just always looking out for the younger boy and making sure he feels welcome and all that.

- Getting introduced to Beast and Mr. Mertle.

- Knowing tons of baseball facts because of him.

- Playing catch in the lot. He goes easy on you but to be fair; he goes easy on most people.

- Looking after him and making sure he doesn’t over exert himself.

- I’m sorry but you’ll have to just accept that baseball is his priority a lot of the time. It’s his “life” and you’ll just have to accept that if you want to be with him.

- He would genuinely ask you to marry him in complete awe if you were to ever get him baseball game tickets.

- He makes a big deal over your birthday, well, him and the rest of the boys. They all cheer when you arrive at the field, giving all their “look who it is’s”and slapping you on the back.

- Going to the movies ...after they put up another screen.... He’ll usually grab your hand and keep glancing over at you whenever you go, he just thinks you’re really pretty.

- Hanging out in the treehouse together.

- Going to the fair with him.

- Pool dates.

- A lot of your dates get invaded by the gang, especially if they involve pizza …or food of any kind really.

- His mother probably insists on giving him some money every time she hears he’s going to hang out with you because she wants him to be a little gentleman and pay for your “date”.

- Even though you’ve always sort of been seen as just one of the guys, you’re serious bragging rights for Benny; both to the other boys and to Phillips. All it takes is one visit to the pool with them and suddenly they’re all a little envious of their leader.

- Though, to be honest, all the boys in the group have probably; at some point, had a crush on you or thought that you’d end up together because it just makes sense, you know? They weren’t in love but they had those little “why am is my heart racing” type of moments with you.

- Even though he brags about you, he’s still a jealous boy. He pretty much glares at any other guy; besides the guys in the gang, you’re with. Even if he’s doing something else, he finds it difficult to concentrate. The minute you arrive back at his side, he’ll ask why you’re hanging out with them, usually with a subtle; or not so subtle, insult directed towards them.

- Even though he knows you’re capable of holding your own, he’ll still always jump to stick up for you because it’s just a habit of his.

- He’s protective of everybody in his gang so that obviously includes you. He isn’t above fighting; or at least embarrassing, someone who’s giving you a hard time or literally carrying you to a safe distance when you’re near something he deems dangerous. Plus, he’s always the first one at your side no matter what’s going on.

- The two of you don’t fight a ton. You’ve been friends for a while so you sort of already know what rubs each other the wrong way and can avoid them because of that. If you are fighting, it’s probably about something stupid and you wind up just leaving; for one reason or another, as he calls after you.

- That being said, you usually just resolve things after a bit of arguing; without you having to walk off. As an apology, he’ll give you a sincere “hey, I’m sorry, alright?” before making some joke along the lines of asking if you want to hit him. You’ll hug and he’ll kiss your head and everything will be settled.

- You don’t tell each other that you love each other a whole lot; it sort of just isn’t Bennys thing, but you show each other you do with your actions.

- In the future, you’re there at every single one of his games, cheering him on.

- He probably asks you to marry him right after highschool. He just can’t wait to make you Mrs. Rodriguez.

#Benny rodriguez imagine #Benny rodriguez headcanons #Benny rodriguez imagines #Benny rodriguez headcanon #the sandlot imagine #the sandlot headcanons #the sandlot imagines #the sandlot headcanon #90s movie headcanon #90s movie imagines #90s movie headcanons #90s movie imagine

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peanut-in-the-goal · 3 years

Text

characters belong to @lumosinlove

Logan and Finn had been together for years. Still, neither of them were happy. Not as happy as they used to be. Some nights it felt like old times, when everything was new and fresh, that honeymoon period of their relationship back at Harvard.

The soft smiles and quiet laughter. The way their hands brushed together when they walked. They went on car rides, one of their favorite pastimes from when they wore the crimson colors that they had grown to love. Finn remembers what it was like those days. He and Logan were young and immature, in for it for the fun, only serious about the game.

They had a good rhythm about it. Any drama or arguments they left off the ice. The ice was their home, it always had been since they were young, at different rinks, in different cities. It was familiar, smooth, something that was reliable to not change too much.

The lines on the ice were recognizable anywhere, marking their territory. There was something about the adrenaline that raced through them when they stood on the ice, that feeling of carrying the puck at your stick and gliding along the ice.

It was magical. Something that you couldn’t forget no matter how long it’s been.

But Harvard was a long time ago, years ago. Some days it felt like they were treading on thin ice around each other, doing everything they could so the other wouldn’t just leave.

The love was still there, but it was fraying between them, like a blanket that was being ripped apart at the seams. It ripped slowly but they were never complete without the other half. No matter how hard they wanted it, this relationship wouldn’t save itself, the two of them were willing to put in the work, but even that couldn’t save them. They were losing each other.

Everything was tense and stressful, Finn couldn’t take it. He loved Logan, he knew he always would, but he couldn’t do this anymore. They couldn’t play this game anymore, acting like everything was fine when it so clearly wasn’t. He couldn’t bear to watch Logan slip away without trying to pull him back in.

But he had tried that already, hadn’t he? He wasn’t willing to go along with this anymore and work and work and work to fix things when Logan didn’t seem to care.

He wanted out. So he was going to call it off. He couldn’t put himself through this anymore, waking up and seeing Logan curled up on the other side of the bed when he used to be so close.

He was so tired of saying things were alright when they so clearly weren’t. So as much as it pained him to say it, it was over. It hurt to love someone who made no show of loving him back.

That plan didn’t last very long.

Finn had been trying to find the right time to tell Logan, the days seemed to just drag on. Soon days were becoming weeks. He was starting to second guess himself, so either do it now or do it never.

He chose the former.

Finn decided to just tell him, choke down his nerves and tell Logan that this wasn’t working out. He swallowed, clearing his throat to get Logan’s attention.

“Logan, um. I—” He stammered, before inwardly groaning at being cut off. That might’ve been a good thing.

The door swung open, coach walked in with this tall blonde following behind him. Finn inwardly made a mental note to befriend this dude. Sirius walked forward immediately, shaking his hand. The two exchanged words, but Finn wasn’t listening, too busy looking him over.

Coach’s hand was resting on his shoulder protectively as the kid got his first look at his teammates. His eyes brightened up when they landed on Finn and Logan. Finn noticed his hand go to his left wrist, tugging at his sleeve there a little, pulling it further down to cover his wrists. The outline of a bracelet was visible through the cuffed sleeves.

Finn tried to gather his words and think of a more private place to talk to Logan but had to shake the thoughts from his head when Dumo steered the blue-eyed kid towards them. When had Dumo taken the coach's spot in showing the new rookie around?

He throws on a smile, extending his hand before he can even reach them.

“Mon fils,” Dumo smiles, clapping the kid—who Finn has realized is really fucking tall— on the shoulder. “This is Leo,” he pronounces proudly.

Leo’s shy at first, he shares a timid little smile where his dimples make an appearance. Finn thinks that it’s the cutest thing he’s ever seen.

He catches the fond look that’s already gleaming in Logan’s eyes. Maybe, just maybe, things were knitting back together slowly.

Maybe Leo would help them in more ways than one.

—

Leo was around more in the weeks that passed. The weeks quickly turned into months, and the three were practically inseparable on and off the ice.

The rest of the team saw it too. Finn and Logan were obviously happier than they’ve been in a long time. Logan laughed more, his guarded eyes that they were used to seeing all the time were finally coming down. Finn smiled again, he hadn’t done that in such a long time. Sure, he smiled for the camera and the team, but something was always off about it, forced even.

Now it wasn’t. Now his smile was the way it was when he first joined. Free. He wasn’t worried about anything or anyone, it was just him, Logan, and the team.

But now it wasn’t just them. Now there was Leo. With his baby blue eyes that could light up anyone’s day just looking at him. The boy seemed so innocent from the moment they met him. He had looked around the locker room in awe like he couldn’t believe that he had actually made it here.

That one of the dreams he worked so hard to achieve was actually successful in the end.

Dumo had practically adopted Leo as he had with Cap. Like he would have with Logan had he lived with the Dumais’ and not Finn. Although Pascal has practically adopted everyone on the team as one of his own didn’t he?

There was still tension between Finn and Logan, especially when they lived alone in the same apartment. They had Leo over as much as they could, but he could only be there so long before going back to Dumo’s.

The peace couldn’t hold forever, something was bound to happen and one of them was bound to snap.

Leo just wished he wasn’t there to hear it.

On his way to their small apartment, he heard the yelling. It was loud, it was mean. It was hurtful.

Leo knew that Logan and Finn didn’t have the best relationship when he joined the team. That was easy to pick up immediately. He just never thought that he would be the reason for their misery.

When he heard the yelling he didn’t expect his voice to come out of their mouths, his name was spoken like it was acid on their tongues. He wasn’t even there, he didn’t do anything, so why was he the one who was being blamed.

The yelling didn’t silence when he turned the key in the lock. If anything Logan and Finn didn’t even spare him a glance, like he wasn’t even there. They probably didn’t even notice he was there to be honest.

It was like the fraying thread finally snapped.

Logan was red in the face, yellingand hurling insults that he’d regret a few hours from now. But at the moment he was too driven by rage and insecurity to protect, protect, protect. Anything hurtful thrown at him, he’d have to throw back something worse.

Finn’s face was blotchy, tears of frustration rolling down his cheeks. His hands waved around in front of him, trying to convey the words he was too choked up to say.

The room was full of nothing but harsh breathing for a moment, neither having anything to say to the other. Their eyes bored into each other across the room.

Leo let the door slam shut behind him.

Logan and Finn both startled, turning to stare at him standing in the entryway.

The fight seemed to drain out of both of them at once. Logan’s shoulders drooped and he turned to look away from both of them. Finn stubbornly rubbed the tears from his eyes with the palms of his hands.

“What the fuck?”

There was a beat of silence, no one said anything and Leo didn’t think he was going to receive a response. He was going to follow up on his question, asking what happened, why his name was getting thrown around and-

“I’m sorry…” Logan sounded small, like he was the one crying and not Finn.

Any questions Leo had were stored away for later.

“It was bound to happen.”

Suddenly Leo felt like he was intruding. They invited him over but he wasn't sure if he should be there, not when they were having a moment. Not when it looked like they may be finally healing.

“It’s not going to work out,” Finn continued. “This,” he gestures between the three of them, “isn’t going to work if me and you didnt work, Lo.”

Maybe not, Leo thought.

“I know.”

It was true, Leo knew. The two of them had had a rocky relationship since he joined the team.

But Leo thought he could make a difference, he thought he was enough to try and save their relationship.

He also loved them, he wanted this, he wanted to fight for them. He wanted them to stay.

But he also can’t be the only one who wants this to work, they all need to put in work for this relationship. He can’t be the only one pulling his weight.

Sometimes it’s better to save your breath. That’s what his father told him when he was younger and had just lost a friend dude to a silly argument. Some people are better to let go, they’ll hold you back and won’t make you happy. Always choose to be happy Leo, make the decision of fighting and giving up. Because giving up does not make you weak, some of the strongest people I know are the strongest because they gave up.

Leo really hoped he was right.

“I guess I should be going then.”

Finn and Logan nodded sadly, and Leo felt something in him break a little more. He turned and walked back out the door he came from.

Leo remembers crying on the way home. He hadn’t driven to their house, so the walk home felt like it took forever and no time at all.

#oknutzy #oknutzy angst #angst #peanut writes #sweater weather #leo knut #finn ohara #logan tremblay #lumosinlove #IM BACK WITH MORE ANGST FOR YA

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