#i just want yall to know that when i first wrote undiagnosed my phone autocortected that to undigested so. yeah

[caffeinatedopossum]

That sad realization that not only did the undiagnosed autism lead to me not realizing my "friends" were actually bullying me the whole time I knew them but I was also unintentionally doing something similar to neurotypical friends because I didn't understand how we thought differently

#i just want yall to know that when i first wrote undiagnosed my phone autocortected that to undigested so. yeah #you heard it hear folks. autism is undigestable. thats why we all got tummy problems #anyway this is why is struggling with communication and maintaining relationships is a symptom #although my relationships always seem fine to *me* because im oblivious as fuck #and this is why autism questionnaires need to be phrased differently #alsp yeah. thinking about that one time i went to a summer camp and i joked about a girl in mine and my friends dorm #who was sleep talking that night. and one of the counselors immediately shamed me for bullying #like we were all there and awake. everyone already knew and laughed so i assumrd it was funny #but then suddenly *I* was being mean...? i understand more now but i wish someone explained it to me more gently #why did everyone laugh it was mean? i thought they laughed because it was funny #still dont understand why people laugh if something is hurtful. i didnt want to insult the girl either #i considered us friends and i was just trying to include her in the conversation #it was still not ok though... #theres another time that comes to mind when i said matter of factly that my sister was a liar #in front of her boyfriend who then very aggressively silenced me #i didnt understand why you would lie if you cant accept being a liar #it wasnt meant as an insult it was meant as the truth #but maybe if it was insulting she should stop lying #idk it was really weird #maybe this is why i didnt realize people where insulting me #because to them they were picking on me #but to me they were either stating a fact or falsely accusing me #i get embarrassed too of course but only because its whats expected of me #that makes me feel scared and inferior and alone. and thats what embarrassment feels like for me #it feels like everyone is unforgivingly looking at me with a magnifying glass