#maybe by todays standards I am idk

[deathsmallcaps]

This just might be the area I’m in for college right now, but you know how people are genuinely less social and willing to go out since quarantine? Well they’re also way more embarrassed about dancing. Everyone is too timid to start a fire on the dance floor, and only crowds of dancers make people who fear embarrassment realize that on the floor, they don’t have to worry because they’ll just be another body having fun, and no one cares.

But if NOBODY is willing to hit the floor, then the crowd doesn’t form at all. So then nobody joins, and the few brave souls* are wiggling and jiggling alone, and when all of us get thirsty, the floor dies.

I don’t think COVID and a lack of safe public gatherings is the only factor though. Social media (and cameras!!!) has made perfection seem so attainable, and yet all it does is backslide you into self disbelief. You don’t have to learn every step of a dance to have fun! Make your own wiggle and people will love it!

And don’t get me started on the little dance circles that are unfriendly. PEOPLE! Letting in lonely diggers can make you new friends and increases the fun! Don’t fucking ignore the singlet. Some serious loss of etiquette is going on and it’s sad. You would NOT be fun to start a conga line with

We didn’t even have a dance circle form. That’s literally one of the coolest parts. God I hope back home it’s not like this/this phenomenon passes. Good luck to us all I guess

*like me ofc

#I did have fun but the dance died a whole fifty minutes early etc #*wtf idk why that autocorrected to etc #silly complaints #if you’re here then why not try!? #‘I don’t know how to dance to this song’ #me neither make it up #I’m not even an extrovert I just like dancing #maybe by todays standards I am idk #my social battery levels in middle and high school are kind of the norm now #and since I was building up muscle in that area #I’m somehow the nutcase who likes going out on the weekend #what happened #I’m autistic and this confuses me #anyways once I have money I’m going to have to try clubbing or something #because AFAIK no one holds free dances for non students #and I don’t like concerts

[curiosity-killed]

It is! Possible! That I may be being too hard on myself! Again!!!

#me for most of this fall: I’m not doing enough well enough I’m falling short in everything I am Miserable #the universe lately: you’re such a natural turner / you are so creative / you are doing so much / #you are curious and humble and kind / you have beautiful lines / your writing is lovely #our company did this values in action award and my sister and I were talking abt it last week and how only 5 employees WERENT nominated #and i was like Clearlt I Was Not Nominated #and then today actually read the nominations and I got?? really sweet ones???? #and just had a convo with a colleague abt how I’ve been worried abt underperforming/not doing well enough #and she looked at me like I had literally sprouted a tortoise out of my head and was like #‘’i. think you might have. Very High Standards for yourself. (?????????)’’ #the new director I’ve been working with is so casual abt praise saying how I have beautiful lines and such a strong turn #and just need to relax and breathe #there have been a couple ppl recently reading thru like my entire AO3 and leaving the nicest comments??? #my students are chaotic but at rehearsal they all want to come sit with me and ask me questions and I just #idk I know I have a tendency toward isolation and self-deprecation #but also like. when ur in it (the depressions (?)) it feels so absolute #and i know I have to go thru to get to a place where I can receive the good (emotionally) #and I know I’m a little extra sensitivo bc I‘ve been missing my brother #and specifically how he always always was the person who listened when I needed support #but yeah i. maybe rlly needed this #‘’over and over announcing your place in the family of things’’ #<- current feels #personal #Bc it’s less about positive feedback and more abt feeling like belonging

[spottedenchants]

I've always thought your style of writing is really different from what I think of as "standard" fanfic prose (in a really cool way, to be clear)- so I guess my question is how would you describe your writing style and what do you like about it?

Thank you very much! ^w^

In terms of cadence and syntax and such, I've been told that it's poetic a fair amount of times, so I'll just nod along with that because fun word combos make my brain go brrr and I've gathered that's some of what poetry is about :D

In terms of overarching structure though, I consider my style largely modeled after the CR transcripts, but the dialogue's then fluffed between with narration and blank space to describe things like facial expressions, tone, character thoughts/emotions, and pauses of time dilation that the transcripts don't always capture!

So I guess 'transcript-esque narrative poetry' is the closest approximation of how I would describe it xD

Sticking the rest under the cut since stuff got long :3

I really like that by adding lots of space, I can put to the page how the duration of events in my fics feels to me, and I hope that sort of a feeling is conveyed when reading, though I've heard big spacing might be annoying to read since it's ''''nothing'''' xD but what's the use of me (me, Chanse, in my writing specifically) writing/posting in an online medium (AO3) if I don't take advantage of the medium's scrolling capabilities and use them for my own storytelling purposes? A rest is as just much of a part of a song as a played note is! :3

I also like the fun transcript -> fic conversions I've built up, and some small- and large-scale examples:

small-

I generally don't use dialogue tags like ["I don't know what to say here," they mumble, shuffling from foot to foot.] because that reads so much more like prose, rather than transcript dialogue, and my punctuation in general originally stemmed from the transcripts.

Like when someone is cut off, they get a double hyphen:

MATT "I'm afraid you're sneezing mid-sentence. "I'm not catching the final--" TRAVIS: (loudly) The Balleater. - C2 Ep 97

but formatted a little more prose-y like so:

“Verin--” “No, don’t argue with me about it. My mind is set.” - So Brother, Walk with Me

large-

In the transcripts, scene description of brand new locations tends to come in big ol' word picture chunks before giving way to a bulk of RP or battle action, so we get stuff like Matt's description of Mythburrow in Ep 74 that I try matching with things like the intro to Like a Diamond to the Rough (albeit a little more spaced out so it's easier to read).

Matt often describes settings like characters too (with purpose beyond being a backdrop), and with a variety of senses when applicable, so that's also something I like and try to keep in mind as well :3

Thank you for the question! ^w^

~

got a question? send me an ask!

#or maybe ts is a verse novel?? but i don't write verses... idk i'm surfing though wikipedia right now trying to piece this together xD #and also i'm discarding conscious meters idk where those go #it's been a whileee since i've had any sort of formal classes #or done any in-depth structural analysis of fiction so idr what's considered 'standard' in any regard and am probably #just reinventing the wheel in my bumbling #but also i have not been reading lots of standardly formatted prose fiction as of late to compare anyway #and i'm not trying to do anything revolutionary other than keep myself occupied for as long as i can #ignorance thus far has indeed been bliss xD #also i guess today really was an ask word day- what a meander #here's hoping tomorrow is for fics >:3 #talesofsymphoniac #chanswers

[mejomonster]

I gotta. Learn how to date again ;-;

#rant #am i gonna brute force try dating apps then feel hopeless and anxious and socially Too Not Understanding Rules to get anything forward? #yeah probably then ill be real sad. :/ i watched a tedtalk today about fear of intimacy and how like u get hurt in love once #and ur brain tells u the story it was UR fault or youll have the SAME experiencr again. so u illogically either avoid finding love #because u associate it with PAIN. or u go for unavailable people (me! no one i dated ever liked me back they just dated me until they liked #someone) because unavailablr ppl wont Ever get a certain level close emotionally since theyll leave you. #and so i think partly i had unavailable partners CAUSE i was scared to be in an abusive 7 year nightmare again ToT #so i have to conciously Start saying hey it wasnt me. hey its okay to be vulnerable best reward is love #and worst i can just leave itll be okay (byt also dang i barely cry im a bit emotiomally numb #despite the self awareness). so like. i trust my very Good judgement of red flags. but i need to conciously try to #believe i may NOT be hurt next time. and maybe idk flip a coin the next petson isnt unavailable. #but. the thing is. befote i can even PRACTICE saying no to unavailable and yes to interested people? #i literally work myself into an anxious mess trying to research the norms for How To Date. How to Ask Out. Where to Meet Ppl. #i get so anxious over conglicting advice everywhere i just CANT do it all! it contradicts!! and also like #i literally havent had a single crush in 5 years or more. 10k tinder matches and no crush #who knows how many hinge matches. no crush. #i havent even felt like potentially i liked a person in years. and i yavent managed a date in like 4! #and rhe last date i lowered my standards to: anyone replying. so went on a date whete they were nice but #had nothing in common and never spoke again. #despite me trying to ask ppl out on apps and chatting on apps thru these years. 1 date. thats all that said yes and we didnt even #think each other as good fits. (also im demi so i need to like.. guess if someones compatible then date for 3-5 months to even know if ill #develop feelings so. even if ppl responf AND i ask every single person out. most arent gonna be interested in Long Term #and in Exploring Potential compatibility until i can develop feelings (or let them know by like 4 months if i couldnt) so :c #i would like love!! i like best friends!! im great at making friends!!! but dating? apparently im so dumb i feel #dumber than a 70 year old on an app at least they might know the rules and get a date and make a friend! #id also you know like to have sex again regularly reliably with a person i love byt that #may well take 500k matches. 20 dates. 3 people who maybe dated more than 3 outings. and if im lucky 1 who #really fell in love and we mutually clicked #or idk maybe itll take a million people or worse odds i am not liking these odds at all.... #but making friends? why cant dating be likr that??!!! within a few months i can meet ppl who like tarot and dark fantasy and meditation and

[earthstellar]

famously, healthcare workers typically do not have time for food

this leads to bizarre things, for example: I just had "lunch" at 11 AM, which consisted of a dill herring sandwich and a chocolate pudding, both consumed simultaneously within about 5 minutes

what I'm saying is: you know Ratchet and the other medics eat the fucking weirdest energon types and additive combinations imaginable

maybe zinc is like, a tangy flavour for them, almost to the point of being sour, and most bots don't use it as a fuel additive too often

but medics want to save the more palatable, more easy-on-the-fuel-tanks blends and additives for their patients

and zinc might have some benefits for medical staff; maybe it provides a little energy boost, at the cost of requiring a shorter time in between refuellings or something --

--or perhaps the opposite and it congeals energon slightly, resulting in slower fuel processing at the cost of requiring fuel line cleaning (to prevent energon accumulation within the fuel lines) slightly more often, but that's something medics could likely carry out for each other

so medics always have the most zinc-loaded bullshit fuel imaginable, like nobody else would be able to consume it, it's so fucking sour by energon standards

but medics chug that shit back fast in between other tasks

maybe Drift is visiting Ratchet in the medbay towards the end of his shift, and Rodimus tags along because of course he does, and because they decided to race each other to the medbay, Rodimus needs a little fuel top-up

so he just grabs a cube that isn't sealed (the sealed cubes are for patients and may have medications mixed in with them, and Rodimus doesn't feel like playing accidental sedation roulette today lol), and he slams it back

only to start choking while First Aid pops in to let him know Ratchet will be ready to go in a minute (and also to laugh at the sputtering Rodimus a little, serves him right for taking a medic's energon, lol)

IDK my bizarre "lunch" just made me think about how fucked Cybertronian medic's schedules must be and how equally bizarre their refuelling habits probably are, lmao

#idw ratchet #idw rodimus #idw drift #maccadam #maccadams #medbay posting #mtmte #lost light

[anxious-witch]

So, Jan and Nace photoshoot analysis. This will definitely be long, and idk how coherent I will be. As always this is entirely subjective, this time maybe more than ever. I am up for friendly discussions and disagreements, but also after today if you are a dick, I will block you.

Anyway.

So let's go pictures by pictures first and then observe how they interact. We start off with the top one, that almost seems like it was two individual shots first, but go glued together. To focus on Nace first, he is looking directly into the camera, his face completely visible, but his hair and body is in the shadow. His leather jacket is even covering his neck. He is in "full armor", except for his face. His face having a layer of combativness only add to that imagery.

Now to focus on Jan. I'd say he is in a similar state, his stare perhaps even more defiant, as if daring us to judge. His face is half covered by his hair, which makes sm sense in a way that we know Jan is a quite private person. He doesn't want people to full see him behind a curtain. Some things are private and he doesn't want to show us everything.

I also find it interesting that these pictures have less contrast than the ones we go later, as if there is additional layer of gray over them. Like they weren't sure it was just yet time to full pull the curtain away from their intimate moments, making them softer and more blurry. As someone else pointed out, it's giving a vibe of them being in the shower, the hot stream muddyijg up the pictures.

Then, right below it, we have Jan and Nace doing an Inuit kiss, their noses touching. And my god, I am so insane about this complete shift in perspective. They aren't looking into the camera, but at each other, with an almost painfully soft expressions.

What struck me as really interesting is that with Kris and Bojan's shoots, they were the most honest and open in the pictures where they look into the camera. Here, it's the opposite. In moments where they are focused on each other, you get the feeling they aren't even aware they are being observed. Looking into the camera, to the viewers seems uncomfortable.

Then, we have this set. Top one resembles first one from the set, except for few significant changes. It's clearly one photo, not two separate ones glued together. Jan is closer to Nace, as if he moved close to protect him. Also another thing that I find interesting, although I am not sure of it was purposeful or simply a trick of the light but! In all pictures where they are together, it looks like they both have just a bit of smudged eyeliner. And I will even go as far to speculate it might be on purpse as if to imply their facade is getting smudged. They can't hold it in place anymore.

In picture two(my favorite, my beloved). We get them favung each other once again, and this time, Nace is openly laughing and Jan is smiling and looking at him with what I will dare say is the closest to adoration.

Jan's eyes are open and more visible, unlike from the first shot, where they were mostly covered by his hair. Almost as if seeing Nace in a happy and relaxed state made him show off a bit more of himself.

Last picture in this set has Jan looking at the camera, his hand clasped over Nace's mouth and Nace has his eyes half close, blind to the viewer, only focused on Jan.

And, okay. This is where my interpretation loses any pretense of objectivity, but I simply can't see this any other way. I read this as Nace being blind to them being watched so constantly and perhaps saying something that should-by Jan's standards-stay private. He is, unlike Nace, looking directly to us, and looks caugh, out of breath.

There is also that aspect of protectivness too-if he can stop Nace from revealing something us as views are not meant to hear, perhaps he can protect him from it.

Now, to focus on their separate pictures. Or well, mostly separate. Let's go with Nace's first.

To start with the top picture, Nace looks both tired and defiant here, staring directly at the camera. His arms are crossed over his chest and he is gripping his shirt very tightly, pulling it away from his arms and towards his chest.

Again, throwing objectivity out of the window because I simply cannot be bothered today, but. This reads to me sm like he is showing off his tattoos and hiding chest? As if he wishes to be judged by art he choose for himself. It could also tie into the fact that due to some body issues, his arms are truly something he likes to shows off in comparison to the rest of his body.

Second picture on the left is connected. Once again, he is not looking at the viewer, unaware he is being observed and thus, showing how under the facade of intensity and defiance, the pressure is getting to him.

Third picture is SO INTENSE. Nace is gagged by some sort of fabric and the shadow/makeup around his eyes is the most intense. He looks the most brooding and his features look almost twisted. Like he is being silenced and put in the shape he doesn't want to be in.

Then, we get this. What a transformation. The pure softness, the trust in Nace's eyes here. It's literally giving the intimacy of sharing an intimate moment with a lover to me, especially with the way these are positioned. Like Nace is laying down and softly looking up and then almost bashfully lowering his gaze. I am genuinely unwell with how intimate this looks.

Now, THIS. We have Jan, staring at the camera, pulling Nace closer to himself. Nace is standing with his back to us.

This picture once again shows to me of how protective Jan feels over Nace. This is giving such "Don't you dare touch him" vibes, it's insane. Jan's hair is messy and untaimed, and still half hiding his face and yet, he is not turning away. Because turning away would mean leaving Nace vulnerable so instead he faces the camera head on while providing a safe space for Nace.

And at last, two solo photos of Jan. First one has Jan showing off his painted nails, which we don't see in any of the other pictures. His face is half covered in both pictures, first with the hand and hair and the other with the hair only.

In the first picture, he is still looking at us, almost as if saying, "Are you watching? Do you see what I am showing?" While in the other one, he is looking at something away from the camera, in an almost resigned way. He is tired of the preformance, of being on guard. He is just letting hinself be observed.

Another thing that was pointed out to me was white frame for Nace vs black frame for Jan. And not to go totally off the rails at that, but-Nace providing a light to Jan, a hope of brightness and warmth, which Jan provides the comfort of dark, safe place for Nace is just bfjxnxkdjx.

Alll in all, I absolutely adored these and I am half asleep so I probably forgot half the stuff I wanted to say so please feel free to add on your thoughts.

#joker out #rio rambles #jance #jan peteh #nace jordan #rio's analysis

[ask-turnedtechgodhead]

this thing on

fuck yes aight check this shit out-

DAVE, I'VE BEGRUDGINGLY COME TO UNDERSTAND THAT STANDING IN A CORNER ALONE SPEWING THE TYPE OF NONSENSICAL BABBLE ONE MIGHT EXPECT FROM A WRIGGLER IS WHAT PASSES FOR ENTERTAINMENT IN YOUR EMPTY THINK PAN.

I'VE EVEN BEGUN TO APPRECIATE IT, IF ONLY BECAUSE WE NEEDED *SOMETHING* TO FILL THE AGONISINGLY LONG SWEEP WE WERE STUCK ON THAT OTHERWISE SILENT AND YET SOMEHOW JUST AS MISERABLE FUCKING ROCK HURTLING THROUGH SPACE TOWARDS CERTAIN DEATH. BUT WHAT IN THE EVER-LOVING SHIT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING WITH THAT BULBOUS FUCKING OVERGROWTH JAMMED AGAINST YOUR RIDICULOUS EYEWEAR?

damn man i thought we covered this in our human tech 101 lessons. its a camera- I KNOW ITS A CAMERA. I WAS TRYING TO LOWER MYSELF TO YOUR LEVEL SO THAT MAYBE YOU WOULD DECIDE TO GRACE ME WITH YOUR ATTENTION AND ACTUALLY LISTEN TO WHAT I HAD TO SAY. try harder SHUT UP. AND ANSWER THE QUESTION. how the hell am i supposed to answer the question if im shutting up? cant have it both ways bro. cant just have your cake and eat it too you either eat that bitch or shut your mouth forever and starve to death- HOLY SHIT WE BOTH KNOW YOU AREN'T GOING TO SHUT UP EITHER WAY. COULD YOU AT LEAST DO ME THE MERCY OF TELLING ME WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING BEFORE I DROWN IN THE PUTRID STREAM OF BULLSHIT CASCADING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH?

documentary CARE TO EXPAND UPON THAT? OR AM I NOT WORTHY ENOUGH TO GET MORE THAN ONE WORD OUT OF YOU? SHOULD I BE PROSTRATING BEFORE YOU THANKING YOU FOR DEIGNING TO GRACE ME WITH ONE WORD FROM YOUR TIGHT ASS LIPS? 'DOCUMENTARY'. TRULY A HOLY WORD. RELIGIONS WILL FORM AROUND THIS ONE WORD, DAVE. HOLY BOOKS WILL BE WRITTEN ABOUT THOSE ELEVEN LETTERS. TODAY WILL BE CELEBRATED NOT AS THE DAY WE CREATED A NEW UNIVERSE, NO- TODAY WILL BE FOREVER MARKED AS THE DAY DAVE FUCKING STRIDER SAID 'DOCUMENTARY'-

AND GET THAT FUCKING THING OUT OF MY FACE YOU NOOKWHIFFER

holy shit check it out im being censored already

karkat do you support censorship

is this what this is karkat

is this where we find out that this entire session has been your master plan to create a new world for you to go stalin on its ass

because dude im so down to create some propaganda for supreme leader vantases glorious reign

just let me finish this shit first cmon man

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO AGREE TO THAT WHEN I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT 'THIS SHIT' IS?

i told you man

IF YOU SAY DOCUMENTARY I SWEAR-

documentary

about the creation of the new universe

no big deal or nothing just thought it could be mildly interesting to get on camera

idk ill probably tape over it later for some shitty sitcom rerun

do you think theyll have the simpsons on the new planet

god i hope they do

AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS.

troll the simpsons

YOU CAN'T JUST PUT 'TROLL' IN FRONT OF SOME PANDEAD EARTH THING AND EXPECT ME TO KNOW WHAT IT IS AND HONESTLY, I'M DOWNRIGHT FUCKING INSULTED THAT YOU'D THINK THAT ALTERNIA HAD ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY COMPARABLE TO YOUR EYEGOUGING EXCUSES FOR 'MEDIA'. MY PLANET ACTUALLY HAD STANDARDS, UNLIKE YOUR MISERABLE PILE OF DIRT.

says the guy that was responsible for that pile of dirt

and didnt even record its creation

imagine being an absent father to a whole universe karkat. what the fuck man

thank god im here to break the cycle of abuse

OH, I'M SORRY I COULDN'T RECORD YOUR WASTE OF SPACE PLANET BEING CREATED - I WAS TOO BUSY NEARLY GETTING MURDERED BY THE MURDERBEAST *YOU*-

oh shit idiot shuts up now

thats you youre the idiot

STRIDER I SWEAR TO FUCK

dude seriously shut up

hes doing it man

hes making it hapen

=>

#turntechgodhead #homestuck #dave strider

[breadvidence]

Please mind the #wineposting tag. Regardless: are you asking, "Should I watch this adaptation of Les Misérables?" I'll give you advice, though I suspect if you are reading this blog post you have watched all of these anyway (and quite possibly a few more, besides!).

'25 (Fescourt): Probably! If you are a Brick fan none of the adaptation choices will startle you, but having visuals to go with key scenes is a treat. This is a loyal piece. Toulout as Javert, Gabrio as Valjean, Milovanoff as Fantine, and Nivette as Éponine all give excellent performances. Be prepared for a lukewarm Cosette. You might struggle with silent film conventions, length, and French intertitles.

'34 (Bernard): Probably! This is a fairly loyal adaptation of the Brick that makes internally consistent choices where it deviates from its source (sometimes it has goofy continuity errors—politely ignore). Baur as Valjean and Gaël as Cosette give fabulous performances. Moments of silliness do not detract from the quality. Another long haul.

'35 (Boleslawski): Probably not. As an adaptation of Les Misérables this film is bad. That being said, Charles Laughton is a lauded actor, and you can't say he didn't put his whole laughussy into his performance. Because it is accessible and prominent, a lot of LM fans will have seen this film, and you might benefit from shared context if you're in fandom. Speaking personally, I'm glad I saw it, but I'm not sure you will be.

'52 (Milestone): No. Most likely based on '35 rather than on the book, this film is also a bad adaptation of Les Misérables. There are no notable performances. Because it is accessible, this is another adaptation many fans are familiar with, but understanding jokes about Valjean's boyfriend Robert and Javert's sentient hat probably don't justify sitting through the movie.

'58 (Le Chanois): No. Not the English dub, at least. "Bland" is the word of the day. Contemporary French audiences wildly disagree with me per Wikipedia.

'72 (Bluwal): Strong maybe. If you are an intense fan of the Brick, yes. Its use of a narrator to draw from the novel directly and its focus on the Amis makes this adaptation unique on this list. You might not end up liking it but you will have had an experience. If you have zero investment in Les Misérables but are still reading this post for some reason: no, do not watch this.

'78 (Jordan): At some point I will talk about this film and not make a gay joke but today is not that day. If you are not queer, get off my blog, you cis straight, begone. Everyone else: yes, watch this movie, c'mon. Perkins. That performance. At some point I need to make a serious post about queerness and '78 but right now all I've got is Javert's literal on-screen boner. Jesus Christ. Not a great adaptation of the novel but a virtuoso example of unintentional homoeroticism.

'82 (Hossein): No. This is an odd little adaptation without the charisma of a '35 or '78, somehow not as bad as either of those but not as good either. The GIF of the Amis walking in heavy wind is the best this film has to offer.

'98 (August): No—but I stared into my wine glass for a long, long time before typing those two letters. If we are judging adaptations by how they handle the source material, this is a disaster. As a film? I'm sure entertained. I call it bitchslap Les Mis. I should note here I am also a huge fan of Uma Thurman. Possibly I should recuse myself. I don't know, pal. IDK.

2012 (Hooper): I dwell bitterly on the fact that this is our film version of the musical. Brick fans are restless, musical fans are restless. People who first encountered Les Mis via this version are making feral noises. I'm afraid. I'm moving on.

2018 (Davies): It's really unfortunate that I am at my most drunk while commenting on this adaptation. Sure, watch it, it's one of those BBC series that has watchability sheerly because of production value and proximity to contemporary narrative/film expectations/standards. Personally I hate it. My partner is so tired of the tone in which I utter the syllables "Oyelowo".

The Musical: yes c'mon. Bootleg that good bitch.

#les mis #les misérables #wineposting

[dangerously-human]

Still fighting for my life with tuition benefit stuff, in case anyone was wondering. I would like to submit my request for this semester, but we're still duking it out over last semester because of a problem from over a year ago and I don't want to swing at two hornet nests at once, so. Took every single dollar out of my savings account to pay tuition for this semester and am just praying I can get reimbursed before another rent check needs to go out (and Lord willing, my car won't need massive repairs at inspection this year). I'm doing an actual research study for my mixed methods class this semester, and the professor keeps saying she's fine with giving us an incomplete so we have another year to wrap it up in order to actually get something meaningful out of it. I finally talked to her last night to explain that I cannot afford to take another incomplete and ask how I could do a legitimate study on such a condensed timeline. Thankfully she was understanding and came up with an idea I think will work, since it involves basically just doing the quantitative portion under an existing protocol at work and a qualitative portion that doesn't count as human subjects research, so I don't have to deal with an IRB pissing contest between institutions, nor the debatable ethics of collecting data without compensating people for their time, given that it's unfunded research (and I really can't afford to pay people out of pocket when I'm already paying through the nose to be in this class in the first place). I'm still reworking my research plan, but I do feel a lot better about this in comparison to my plan as of last week, which would have required either submitting to both IRBs (and my work IRB is notorious for having different standards than most, and they/the data lawyers that often end up getting involved move slowly in this kind of situation) or submitting twice to my university IRB, once per phase.

Anyway, dealing with all of this today had me looking at what I really have left to do before I graduate. I'm halfway through the program now, though it feels like I've done way more. After I'm done with this class, which meets my advanced methods requirement (although round 2 of statistics probably did too), I have to eventually go back and take the foundations of the program course that was a scheduling conflict my first semester and somehow hasn't been offered since; another research apprenticeship (I'll probably write another manuscript, ideally one that's already been in progress for a bit at work - if I can get a loan, maybe I can do that this summer with my brief report I'm first authoring); plus two electives, which I was hoping to concentrate on measure design but would also happily do more advanced statistics courses if I'm allowed to take them through the school of psychology (I've tapped out the school of ed on that score). I guess I should ask if I'm allowed to say my job counts as an internship, which from the course catalog it looks like it should, but idk. Theoretically that puts me graduating... fall '25? Maybe? I could go so much faster if it weren't for the financial aspect. I do have to meet with an advisor at some point, but I still don't have one at the moment (again), which really seems like a problem for future me to figure out. But future me before May, because I think I'm still recorded as supposed to graduate this semester, even though it's been clear from the beginning that I was not a full-time student. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

They really do make this grad school thing as complicated as possible, don't they?

#personal #grad life gazette

[dizzyiscrocodile]

Blood warning OoOooOo

Other warnings include implied character death maybe and just straight up angst. It’s day 6 of Chimera Week, and I am NOT holly jolly

* Keep Reading for full art.

I hope that worked, anyway, day 6 of chimera week and I decided to choose violence. I’m sure you noticed by now that the drawing below is a little … quirky. And I implor you to have mercy on me the last time I drew a lot of blood was in the 8th grade, idk if you’ve looked through my account, but I don’t specialize in angst. I specialize in colorful, silly, bouncy little guys.

I got so mad at the blood being awful looking I rushed the rest of the piece, and it shows, BUT. I think it’s fitting. Something about it being frantic and messy fits the art. Don't ask what wind is carrying his godamn headband thingies . Don’t ask why MK’s entire head looks like an electrified Pom Pom . This isn’t the highest quality, but by my standards— I’m running late.

HOLY FUCK I FORGOT TO POST THIS GUHH

Chimera Week is by @//starsbian on twitter!!! Todays the last day but I might wait until Sunday to post my final drawing. ✌️

#lego monkie kid #lmk #fanart #lmk fanart #red son #blood #implied death #tw #trigger warning #chimerashipping #chimera shipping #chimeraweek #chimera week #sad tw #uhhh gore tw #sorry

[i--antimony]

BIG tuesday

i skipped last tuesday because i was working on a take-home exam and simply did not have the time nor the inclination, so: beefy tuesdaypost today!

listening: my brother recommended 'dead magic' by anna von hausswolff and boy what an album. gothic, punchy, very vibey. the kind of album you let wash over you like an ocean wave.

pulled 'mostly kosher' from my to-listen list. fun, funky, very jewish, good vibes. ikh hob dikh tsufil lib

i've continued to mainline borodin symphonies 1 & 2. idk they're just hitting right.

and the new pieces for the orchestra i'm in - very french this time round: debussy's fêtes: kinda spooky and ominous and also fluid in a fun way! lots of buildup that seems to resolve into nothingness. horn parts for this are pretty good, not too difficult but are definitely Heard. chabrier's españa: really bumpin horn parts. fun bouncy motifs. what's not to like.

pocasting-wise, i'm up to partizan 38. 10 episodes left!!! the home stretch!!!!! it's so good but things are definitely amping up in the end-of-fatt-season way.

i've also listened to my friend b's gotham tv show podcast 'jim gordon must die'. very good and funny. i laughed out loud at some of the episode 3 descriptions.

reading: i was stuck in Bad Airport Times this past saturday (flight delayed 3 hours, then sat for an hour on the tarmac, arrived at 10pm when i was originally supposed to arrive at like 630) so i blasted through all ~150k words of 'freefall' by Kunoichi21 and xoTsundoku. bog-standard mafia au, but with a fun little circus arts twist; fun background fengqing; i do not like that they made beefleaf wholesome. give me my toxic beefleaf god damn it. but otherwise it was a fun read, sappy romcom-style. the fic itself isn't quite done but it's in endgame. the author notes have peak fanfic culture energy of "hey guys! sorry i didn't update, i started nursing school and my dad died" bro .... ;___; goddamn. please take care of urselves

watching: we are almost done with kill la kill! last two eps!!! so tonight we're doing that and also watching last week's dunmeshi together.

friend and i finished comrade detective. incredible. no notes. so funny. we started 'endeavour' which is a detective morse prequel thing and goddd the british-isms, and also started serial experiments lain. i don't know what i was expecting but god it was not this. i literally thought this was a cute fun hacker mystery show in the energy of cowboy bebop. it is Not That. not even close. it's good though i'm enjoying it. currently staggering through life going uhhhhh like lain does in the first few eps.

playing: fallow. i am re-installing disco elysium on my computer though. ive been wondering if i should try to keep going on the save file from last year or if i should just start over because i barely got in there at all.

making: many things. pottery!! some good some not as good.

so this design came out SO nice but the underglaze is so gd streaky! i hate it !!! i don't think it's really fixable either, i tried the hairspray trick to put new solid glaze over top the inside so at least that would look less like shit but i could not get it to work. maybe sanding it down? idk. it's ugly. it was supposed to be a bright teal but the woman who runs the studio mixed the batch up wrong so it's like. a really drab gray and not in a fun or intentional way. idk.

some new bisque:

teacups came out! still mismatched but cute nonetheless! gonna do them in a sort of celadon-type color with white flowers to match the teapot that my SO has :)

i don't feel like adding more photos for these lol they're very boring. the pot for my mom came out fine i think. gonna go in with normal white glaze over top to paint in some trees or other botanical designs. i sponged the underglaze on so hopefully the final result won't be streaky. sponged red on my seder plate to hopefully accomplish the same thing. mugs came through the bisque with no issues but i didn't do anything fun with underglaze on one of them so no new pics of that, but the other i did this tree thing again:

i KNOW it'll be streaky as hell. i just know. so i'm considering how i want to do it. perhaps putting some slightly transparent green over the top of it all to meld it together? unsure.

some new stuff: made a citrus juicer, this was attempt number 2 and just barely got it to work, attempt 1 was a total disaster. also made another mug type object, hopefully it'll still be wet enough this weekend to slap a handle on.

two mugs with red clay, i really loved the lascaux mugs that jessica bartram put up for sale last year but i didnt snag one in time so i was like. fuck it. i will make my own. gonna let them dry to leather hard before going in with black underglaze.

i've been trying to draw again but. idk. i just feel very uninspired. i start drawing and it's like :| :| :|

eating: i was on my own food-wise for much of the last week because my roommate was babysitting for the rabbi, so i did not eat nearly as extravagantly as i normally do, LOL. i made a lo mein recipe that was kinda just a stir fry. this could have been my fault because i added a bunch of extra shit like bok choy and mushrooms. i also didn't use the correct type of noodle, and i didnt have oyster sauce so i used worcestershire, etc. many substitutions so it's probably not fair for me to say it was Just Fine. will have to try again at some later date actually following the recipe. herb and radish salad with feta and walnuts: delicious. 10/10. i tossed in some extra arugula and that was also good. and i made the tofu brussel sprouts tahini/hoisin sauce thing again because it's easy and tasty.

misc: visiting my grandma right now ...... entrenched in the ennui .............. spring break ........................

#tuesdayposting #Spotify

[randaccidents]

I've got an idea, but, I don't remember if it was mentioned (ah yeah, me and my memory of a pebble)

Alright so.

Heart with crutches.

That's all

That the whole idea

OK I HAVE BEEN. LOOKING INTO THIS TOPIC FOR AWHILE SORTA. Because my Tridential Whole!Soul ALSO has muscle weakness so I was looking up whether crutches or walking canes would be better (neither so I just made him the most stubborn stupid man alive)

But yes yes I have been quietly considering that in the background of doing the main portions of this AU. Since Heart ends up with 4 weak limbs that randomly knock out on him occasionally, and lets be honest he would want to wander the house instead of being stuck in his room all day. Let him have his hobbies!

Anyways my long ass thought process that came out of this below. Fair warning it is DEFINITELY going to be inaccurate because this is like.... an hour of research? And I am Not a mobility aid user At All.

I'm going to assume that Heart is fully weight-bearing, meaning he can place full weight on his legs (even if theyre weak)

Off topic, I did debate a walking cane but. All Four Limbs. Yeah that's not gonna work out. I also debated a wheelchair and then realized that they would have to remodel the whole dang house AND that Heart is definitely pretty vocal about having access to Things. (and also that he's nowhere near ready to accept what he's lost yet. that he's not going to be the same Heart)

On one hand, crutches (hospital standard issue variant, very often seen in media). Very nice, very cool, but imo unwieldy and not meant for lifetime use, especially in their messy ass house. Apparently they hurt the elbows if used wrong or for extended periods of time? Plus the fact that it would limit Heart a lot since he would have to not drop them aaaaaand he has a little problem called weak arms as well. And idk something about those crutches made my brain go "you've seen a better version of crutches before". No offence to crutch users its just that my brain KNOWS there's something that fits better.

And then I FINALLY remembered what the fuck I was thinking about when it came to crutches.

ELBOW CRUTCHES/FOREARM CRUTCHES

This kind! (dont axe me its on a Creative Commons license I am LEGAL)

The vibes fit better. He's still blatantly a crutch user but its more flexible? There's bars for him to catch himself on or lean his weight entirely on the occasion when all four of his limbs decide to clock out on him. (reads medical guide) And apparently elbow crutches are among the most versatile mobility aid? I did Not know that. Also the entire "weight thrown off because he no longer has to lean forward to balance out the weight of his wings" thing.

Although as a little bit of a downside, Heart doesn't accept he needs crutches initially. He's fine guys he swears. He can walk on his own, he doesn't need some stupid sticks to walk just because his legs are shaky today (immediately falls over trying to walk and almost cracks his head on the counter).

Heart takes awhile to accept that he lost something in his decision and he does, in fact, require mobility aids now. (That realization is its own bout of mourning and grief) But he will learn and adapt and accept his new normal in time. Maybe one day he will see them as just as much a part of himself as his wings once were.

(On a more lighthearted note Heart absolutely is still a gremlin that pokes Perseverance and Penitence with his new in-built poking sticks. Whacks them on the head from the sofa. Smacks the remote off the table when he sees Perseverance reaching for it because The Stick is Longer. Little things that make the crutches a stand-in for his wings. Perseverance is incredibly vexed by the fact that he cant just. Take the crutches away because that's just mean to Heart. But also please stop hitting his head and saying "bonk".)

So yes. Heart with crutches :3. Very good idea thank you.

#reply #Heartless AU #Heartless story #rand.hc #points I have been quietly thinking about this and you spur me to actually write this shit down #but yes yes Heart with crutches #because he is now permanently disabled isnt he #and he has to accept that and stop avoiding it

[compacflt]

hey! seeing your post about iceman and hamilton reminded me of the 1812 au that you had posted about previously - do you mind sharing any of your thoughts on that, specifically Ice & Mav's reactions to the politics of war back then, before the US military and Navy were such huge institutions (in today's standards)? EDTS Ice & Mav are decidedly anti-war (more Ice than Mav I think), but would that same sentiment be true for them back then & how would Ice feel about war hawks like Calhoun & Clay? there's obviously a pretty big role that war plays in forming national identity, especially in early US history, and with external forces like impressment & embargoes & all of the international relations nightmares that came w/ early state building, I'm really interested in how that may have an impact on how Ice and Mav view military service and duty. I would love to read this fic if you're still planning on writing it (really I love to read everything that you write tbh) - also hope you are doing well!! 😊😊

hiya!! i hope you are also doing well!! I am not sure if im ever going to post the 1812 au to be honest—i would really love to but i think it would be so long it would have to be my first priority for a few months, and I’m not sure when I’d have time to do that. but i have it all planned out at least, so maybe we can compare notes.

So here are my notes.

IF i were to complete my 1812 AU… It would not be about Ice at all. Which is how I’d be able to stomach writing about Ice’s death. AND the characters would be very very different from the characters i wrote about in EDTS (i.e. confessed their love for each other way back in the 1770s). And what I want to tackle in this AU is exactly what your ask is about—duty to your fledgling country! Im interested in a version of TGM maverick who had to be away from the love of his life, on his deathbed, to serve the national interests of his country. *questionable* national interests, in TGM’s case, or *forgettable* national interests in the War of 1812’s case. The War of 1812 is sort of America’s forgotten war—its causes were nebulous & hard to rally around/understand today, and there were no real heroes until the end, unless if you count Andrew Jackson as a hero (i really try not to). So this would be a direct attack on the heroism we are presented with in TGM: what is mavericks mission really accomplishing in the grand scheme of things? Using the 1812 war, itself forgotten and largely irrelevant, as a meta backdrop for that question of heroism.

So—this version of Ice & Mav are: actual factual war heroes. Revolutionary war heroes who were genuinely educated & truly believed in the American experiment of representation & freedom from tyranny. Fighting the British 36 years apart. (Something i really really like & will take advantage of… the 36 years between 1776 and 1812 exactly equaling the 36 years between 1986 and 2022… it was meant to be.) They’ve spent their whole lives together in the romantic sense, in a world where they couldn’t live openly together but at a time when sexuality was also understood completely differently. But they have to be apart when Ice is dying because Maverick has been handed a mission, a duty, by the USG that he has to take care of. (Part of the reason I’m stalling on this project is because I don’t really know what that mission would be… something something naval warfare, something something Captain of the “USS Dagger…” but im a better romance writer than an action writer… idk how to come up with those plots at all. And I’m not super well-versed in EARLY naval warfare [I prefer wwii navy stuff] so idk how ships like sailed clippers & schooners etc actually work. That’s a completely different wheelhouse for me & is integral to a story like this, and fundamentally im kind of a lazy person who doesn’t put a lot of effort into research if I don’t have to)

the AU would be written in two parts—the warm summer of youth vs cold winter of old age. Confronting my own fear as an author of getting old & dying, tbh. What does it mean to be a hero and die of old age? Shouldn’t you want to die WHILE being a hero? Part one: 1776-1782 is… ice & maverick falling in love and dealing with goose’s death together and cementing their hero status in American naval history (like they do in the original top gun). Then part 2; 1812/1813… ice is retired from being the first USN commodore/secretary, but he’s dying and maverick has to choose between being with his de facto husband in his last days VERSUS being out at sea, serving his country, but for a war that he (a bit metaphysically, to serve my metaphorical aims) knows will be forgotten. He can be a hero or he can be there for the love of his life but he can’t do both. Duty & sacrifice. Ice persuades him it’s time to let go, maverick goes out to sea, and then ice dies while he’s at sea. & the 1812 war was kind of forgotten, and their love will never be known by history because they were two men, so what was that sacrifice really for? Shouldn’t he have been home with ice?

Which leads me to: I am also slightly interested in an interpretation of the TGM mission as a possible su*cide attempt on mav’s part, post-ice’s death. Trying to die a hero. So, there’s that. That would be in it as well.

Some issues: that’s pretty simple & i submitted a 4k short story with this exact premise (1776 war hero has to choose between one last shot at heroism in 1812 vs staying with his male lover at the end of his life) to one of my writing workshops last semester and they loved it. But, by god, does it get 10x more complicated once you add Bradley to the mix. It’s ALWAYS made it more complicated & it’s why I’ve had so much pain trying to edit EDTS over the last 8 months (as you know). Because LETS PLEASE BE REAL TGM did NOT give me much to go on there. Like the emotional turn that is I think SUPPOSED to happen in the scene where ice and mav talk in TGM—I don’t understand it & I think that scene was only written for fanservice because it serves no purpose in the story and I’m not sure what emotion we’re supposed to take away from it. Maverick says “please send me ice, don’t ask me to send someone else to die,” (is he asking ice’s permission??) and ice DOESNT actually answer that request, doesn’t even acknowledge it; he says, in a COMPLETE AND UTTER NON SEQUITUR, “It’s time to let go.” Maverick says, “yeah I know,” so what does that actually mean? Who is he letting go??? Bradley??? Goose??? ice himself??? Is ice giving mav permission to go or not???? It’s so vague it means absolutely nothing, and i have no idea what ice’s emotional/story purpose in TGM is except to bail mav out of sticky situations and nostalgia purposes, and don’t even get me STARTED on how out-of-character it was for MAVERICK (guy who hates having his papers pulled from the Academy) to pull Bradley’s papers from the Academy in TGM, both of which are why ive struggled so much trying to fit Ice into the mav/Bradley narrative of betrayal & loss etc. And in a two-shot piece where all those years in between are kind of skipped over… idk. I feel like I would sort of have to sacrifice the Bradley storyline for the overarching icemav duty-sacrifice-heroism theme. With WWGATTAI, i was KIND of able to do both, but only after MULTIPLE rounds of very very intense editing & like 50k words of rewrites and even then it’s kind of awkward so… idk. For a quick two-shot like this I’d have to pick. I don’t have the energy to write another 50-100k reinterpreting that story all over again lol

So to answer your question it would be way less about the actual weird politics of the 1812 war and more about providing a place for me to get into mav’s emotions dealing with ice’s death and the historical implications of a mission like that, kind of glossed over in the movie … though this ice & mav are veterans of the XYZ affair / battles with the Tripoli pirates, so that probably affects how they see things… but mostly, duty is still duty & orders are still orders, but sometimes following orders means sacrificing what little time left you have with your family… following the TGM timeline where ice only has about 2 weeks left to live from Mach 9.

So, pros of the 1812 au: lots of the purple prose poetic writing i shamefully really like. Icemav open and honest with each other from the very start ❤️. Dealing with the themes and emotional consequences of ice’s death finally. Focusing only on mav instead of only on ice. Penny & sarah in a lesbian relationship. Some discussion of the cyclical nature of queer history (i.e. we’ve always been here making history and we always will be). Mav finding reasons to live after ice is gone.

Cons of the 1812 au and why I’m hesitant to really get invested in writing it: don’t know much about pre-diesel naval warfare so can’t come up with the technical action elements of the plot & too lazy to do that much research. I have a sailing license, so I know like… knots and rigging and mainsail vs jib/genoa/spinnaker and sloop vs schooner etc, but i do NOT know anything about THAT kind of sailing. Warship sailing, tactics, “dogfighting” equivalents, etc. Also: would probably have to sacrifice the whole “getting Bradley kicked out of the academy-equivalent” storyline, just to make the story less complicated. Not sure how much of the original ice and maverick the story would retain as a result. Also: i know wayyy more about the early national period (1776-1800) than anything after about 1808, but even then the last time i was really into this period of history was my freshman year of high school, so i can’t necessarily claim to know what im talking about when it comes to the intricacies of the early American state (as i think is pretty obvious here). Also too lazy to do that much research.

But, here are some notes/snippets etc if you would like. they’re solidly 6 months old now & unedited & largely unresearched, just throwing words on the wall in writing phase one, but whatever

#oooo that’s a lot of words to just say ‘im lazy & self-conscious of the fact i don’t know what im talking about’ #thanks for the ask ily ❤️🥺 #i think you know more about This period of history than i do so honestly we should chat #OMG ice saying i love you & maverick hasn’t even died yet whoa #ice goes to yale instead of the academy. yale guy. ☹️ #pete maverick mitchell #tom iceman kazansky #top gun #top gun maverick #icemav #asks #top gun fanfiction #if someone wants to pick up this idea & do it please do #not feeling very articulate with my not-fiction words today; sorry if this post is incomprehensible

[xxmoonch1ldxx]

hellooo, ive read through ur fics and they are beautiful and i humbly provide a prompt 4 u; Anthony stimming in front of Ian. thats it that the prompt. since their reunion, Anthony has finally felt comfortable enough to stim in front of Ian when he wants to without shame or sum idk im autistic and love projecting onto my favourite content creators

Hey Anon, finally getting back to you after a milennial. I'm sorry for the wait! I got you, I too am autistic and love projecting so here we go :)

Anthony had always held himself to some pretty stupid standards.

When he was younger, he believed he needed to always put socks the same color or people would definitely notice and laugh at him. As he grew older, it became about straightening his hair, not only for the emo style but mainly because he was ashamed of his curls and thought he would get mocked for them. Mainly, though, he battled with his, for a long time undiagnosed but very obvious, ADHD and everything that came along with it.

The shame he felt at his own behavior started pretty young, when he used to simply stay mute instead of allowing himself to talk to people in kindergarten. He knew he had a loud voice and an even louder laugh, one that his mom always told him to quiet down. Even though she was never mean about it, Anthony had ended up taking it more personal than he should have. Sadly, though, it didn't get easier; there were so many assignments he failed because he hadn't been able to focus and was to ashamed to ask for help from anyone, lest they tell him to get his head out of his ass and listen.

Anthony tried, he did, but that never quite worked.

It didn't quite work like a lot of things did, but one person he did let into his life and his odd behavior was Ian. Ian never whined when he laughed too loud, Ian never minded how he jumped subjects of conversations and Ian always helped him in the classes he failed to understand due to having lost focus. Anthony had always been so, so grateful for that, but there was still one thing he had struggled with.

Stimming. Anthony had a lot of small habits that he always suppressed, mostly in fear he would get judged. Even with how much he loved Ian, he always feared he would disrupt the younger man with those repetitive behaviors. He also remembered a few times where he had been unable to help the thrumming of his fingers as he worked, the stress of his later years at Smosh taking a toll on him and making him unable to stay still even more than usual; Ian used to turn around and ask him to stop in this irritated voice. Not mean, once again, but it hit the nail in the coffin.

He was disturbing people in a way he shouldn't be, or at least, that's what he thought.

And then, after a few years of therapy, an official diagnosis, getting on meds and finally unloading all of this trauma, Anthony and Ian had reunited.

The core of the relationship, their comedic chemistry and the ease they had once felt around each other came back, even stronger than it had been before. Anthony had never been more grateful for something in his life; or maybe he had, but only about the fact he and Ian were now an official thing. A couple. Boyfriends.

They had learned how to live around each other again, speak out what bothered them and be honest. Issues were solved way faster today, and way easier too. Working was comfortable, funny, fulfilling in the same way it had been back when they started Smosh. Hanging out was, too, and they now found comfort and pleasure in the mere act of being together, opposite to the later years of their friendship when they barely spent any time together outside of work. For that, Anthony was fully grateful too; it sure was fun that being together now included more things like kisses, hugs and more...Physical activities. Anthony loved those improvements.

Ian and him now were together more often than not, and there was an ease about it that had never been there before. Sometimes, they didn't even do much; Ian would be watching yet another history video and Anthony would be laying with his head on his boyfriend's lap, working on his new interview. He cherished those small moments, especially the few instances when Ian would interrupt him for a bit just to press a fond and loving kiss on his lips. It was lovely, it filled Anthony's heart in a way nothing else ever had.

One of the things he cherished the most, though, was how earnest they had both been with each other. Vyvanse pills might work for focus and other symptoms of ADHD, but the stimming part couldn't be erased from him. Happily, though, Anthony didn't feel the need to hide himself anymore.

When they were in the office, he would sometimes be playing with everything that fell under his hands. The little holder of his phone, the pencil he was holding, his rings that he wore; it was a thing that greatly helped him focusing when they were brainstorming. Instead of whining like he had sometimes used to, Ian would always look at him fondly, with a smile that screamed 'I knew this would happen', but would never interrupt him. He had even started bringing a few of those little water toys that could be squished for Anthony to press on as he talked. He had brought one in the shape of a black cat, because he said it reminded him of Anthony. He was blushing as he said it, but Anthony had thought it was so cute he had kissed Ian on the mouth hard enough to bruise his lips.

Then, there was the way he often hummed as he did things. Really, anything; it would also help him focus and he didn't even notice it at time. Ian would sometimes join him in his low singing when he did the dishes or even worked on some scripts, a smile on his lips. Neither he or Ian were particularly great singers, but they always ended up laughing so hard they cried or just having a sweet, domestic moment.

Ian had also brought a few rocking chairs inside the office, decision that had been questioned but Anthony was forever grateful. It was easier and grounding to rock on a chair that was made for it, a habit Ian had probably noticed and remembered from their time at school and how Anthony couldn't keep himself still on a chair for two seconds. Ian always scolded him when he brought his chair on two legs, telling he might fall and to stop; this was something else that Anthony cherished about him. How protective he had always been, how much he cared.

Most of the time, Anthony thrummed his legs endlessly. This habit put a strain on his muscles, something Ian knew, so he would lean in to place a hand on his thigh, remind him to calm down. Ian would rub the skin and pat it simply before retrieving his hand, knowing Anthony didn't even notice what he was doing. There was also how he would reach out to tug at Anthony's arm when he either bit his nails too much or scratch at his skin until it would become red. Sure, there were days Ian wasn't there to do so and Anthony would end up breaking his skin open, but his boyfriend would always be there once he came back home to rub the skin with lotion and kiss the scar, achingly soft and tender. Anthony didn't think he could love him more, but Ian always outdid himself. He once bought gums and straws just for Anthony to chew on when he needed to.

Even with his weirder habits, Ian didn't judge. He didn't judge when Anthony cleared his throat too much or repeated random words or sentences. He didn't judge when he would flap his hands and move them a little too much as he talked. He didn't mind when Anthony would get excited and jump a little too much, or he would get all over the place. Instead, he seemed to find it very amusing and so, so adorable. Just like he cherished the little tunes Anthony whistled when he was particularly engrossed into something.

All those little things that Anthony had spent years hiding and taming down, all the habits he had taken that included hurting himself and then dealing with the consequences himself, he didn't have to face them alone. Ian would always be there to ease the ache in his muscles after he pulled at them too much by how much he moved, or to cream his red and sore skin, massage his jaw when he had chattered his teeth too much. Anthony treasured all of those actions, how much care Ian had towards him and how he showed him all the time. It was a little wild to find someone who finally didn't mind all those things about him, and especially someone who even cherished a few of those habits. Anthony would see it in the fond smile stretched on Ian's face when he stared at him, just like he hung the moon, when he was just whistling while doing the dishes. He would feel it in the way Ian kissed him softly when he would sing, how he wouldn't even note the flapping of his hands and simply lean over to brush a strand of hair away from his face.

Anthony felt comfortable to be fully himself in a way he had never had before. He knew and could feel the way Ian loved every little thing about him, from the way he smiled so softly to the way he catered to his every needs, even when Anthony ignored he had them.

Anthony simply cherished Ian himself, fully and wholly. He had never been more grateful of something than the fact Ian felt the same.

#smosh #anthony padilla #ian hecox #ianthony #🔎☀️ #smosh fanfiction #heres me projecting as an audhd boi

[red1ight]

i am home early from work today yay so i can share my thoughts re:the dc comeback

well. it's very different for them but very much the same in terms of the kpop gg landscape rn... so that's boring to me. especially the english lyrics of 'i'm flawless i'm gorgeous my black dress' are so tired, a bit eye-roll. as is the heavy use of english lyrics itself. like i know they're trying to appeal to foreign fans (esp usamerican fans since they're looking to release an english album soon) but.. why? anyway i digress that's a different conversation.. as for the structure of the song itself, it's predictable, the rhythmic speaking over the electronic synths is also very overplayed, i don't care for that.

that all being said,, i don't think the song is overall Bad like i think it's kinda fun once i get past the standards and expectations i have of their music LOL. but im frustrated because if they really wanted to go this route musically, and conform to the current trends, they could still do so much to insert their own color, which i feel like normally is their strong suit. I can appreciate that they still opted for an acoustic drum beat and electric guitar in certain places, but aside from that.. they could have at least done more to spice it up. like for the chorus, they could have messed around with the progressions and leaned more into some interesting minor chords. i wish i knew music terminology to better articulate this idea LMAO anyway

I think yoohyeon in particular has some nice parts, the prechorus is enjoyable, but for a group with such overall strong vocals, there just wasn't much at all to this song. jiu and sua were particularly underutilized vocally which is a real shame.

as for choreo - i find it boring for the same reasons, it's just like everything else you can expect from an 'i'm bad' 'girl-crush' song (do ppl still use that term? can we retire it? have we already? idk). the tiktokification of kpop choreo is disappointing, especially from them since we know what they're capable of.

i think the concept is just a bit disappointing coming from them? it just doesn't seem to fit the image they've created or fanbase they've built.. i mean i know having a somewhat 'alt' (using that term really loosely here) image in the industry will not profitable forever but.. idk maybe it would? is it better to just do the same thing as every other group rn? isn't that why so many groups fell off around 2015-ish? because there was an oversaturation of the same concepts?? idk. also im getting kind of tired of the album 'concept' never having anything to do with the title track honestly it's become a real pet peeve for me like what does this have to do with villains or the cool spooky teasers they had in the very beginning of i think last (?) month? where's the intention where's the thought where's the care where's the artistry !! i've been thinking this for a while, but everything just feels rushed and barely thought-out.

all to say that it's nothing special, it could be fun to listen to if im in the right mood and ignore the english lyrics, but disappointing (sorry realizing im using that word a lot lol) only because i have such high standards for them. so it'll most likely end up being a skip for me. oh well. i'll check out the b sides of course though

#brevity idk her

[discluded]

Hi, what is your pov on some of these comments about mileapo fans being “delulu” and naive bc it’s “just fake bl fanservice”?

Because idk if I’m going crazy but like as a gay person this shit seems borderline homophobic? On the one hand I kinda get where they’re coming from with like the concert “plot” (idk what else to call it 😭), but otherwise seeing how they interact with each other in off-screen/stage moments and their chemistry and the huge ass difference with the entire cast, how they interact with each other vs others, the side couples energy with each other, it’s not that big of a leap… and to imply that it’s dumb or naive for ppl (lots of them queer themselves) to perceive that smells like homophobia to me… idk

I’m not even trying to be mad abt the mileapo thing bc frankly i don’t give a shit what people do or don’t believe about two actors but it’s the dismissive tone of such comments that pisses me off, and I was wondering if maybe you or any of your followers have some thoughts about this too.

Hello friend.

Thank you for trusting me with this delicate ask. Hopefully I can do a good job with it.

I'm hearing a couple of things in your question, part of which I'm guessing is just being able vent (glad to provide the space!) but the crux of which is commenting on the irony of homophobia in Kinnporshe / BL fandom. And yeah. You're not imagining it.

CW: Homophobia. I'm serious, this is your only warning. Some of this really upset me today and I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing.

I saw this after I got your ask and already spent some time thinking about how to respond, but these comments were in response to Tong coming out at KPWT Manila on Tiktok. I hate looking at them, but I'll embed them in case the tweet ever gets deleted as a reminder that EQUALITY IS NOT REAL IN THIS WORLD.

I won't lie, this hurt my feelings a lot and it's not even about me. I spent half a second being mad before just being sad about this for hours.

I've been into BL for so long, I am tired of this round-about argument we keep having over women, many of whom are queer or questioning, enjoying queer stories where the characters are male. There are culturally-adept literary and queer studies scholars who do research on this.

That being said, a not-small proportion of the fan base is made people who are genuinely homophobic and use BL as their fantasy. Just like watching lesbian porn doesn't make straight men allies, neither does watching BL make straight women allies. I am too exhausted to explain why they do but it's basically a mix of misogyny in not wanting to see other female actors opposite an actor you like but also using queer men as placeholders for your fantasy. Sometimes in fiction, but other times in reality.

I'm with @mirrorofprinces, we need to attack more homophobes for this. 😒😒😒 no more fighting over gay rights, time for KPTS-inspired gay wrongs and gay violence on the gaygenda.

The "delulu" and "it's just fanservice" comments are...indeed kind of homophobic. I respect people who don't want to comment on or interpret their relationship, like you said, or interpret it differently. And it kind of sucks to be like "well some people will be homophobic and you have to share a space with them" in fandom about a queer story, but how do you confront people, some of whom are happy to be openly homophobic, about homophobia that is more nuanced?

But I think one thing that undermines MileApo's authenticity is that BibleBuild do so much fan service despite also claiming not to. Fan service is a Thai BL industry standard with other actor pairs. And as a reality check to myself, I have looked at some of those pairs interacting and yeah. Definitely brotherly or fan service there.

The other part of the problem is young people, especially after the pandemic, genuinely do not seem to know what normal human interaction looks like, including the difference between what's fake and what's real AND what's platonic vs. what's flirty or romantic affection.

As for what my friends/moots think, here's @mellowroxy and @cookiedoughfiesta's thoughts from August about Mile saying he was in love with Apo about the "delulu" comments. (Though let's be real... sometimes the fandom is also... a bit much 🤣🤣🤣)

When I talked to Yams (@mellowroxy) about this earlier, here's what she had to add on to the point:

Me: fans were freaking out when Tom called Zendaya 'my MJ' on his birthday wish to her, and that's way more subtle than what Mile and Apo are doing

Yams: There wouldn’t be this much push back if it was a guy and girl. Most people would be like “oh another on set romance” and call it a day. On the Zendaya and Tom topic, if this was decades back when interracial couples were taboo as fuck then they wouldn’t come out as well.

A conscious reminder equality has always been hard-fought for.

But trust me, this paradox of people who watch BL who are homophobic have not escaped Mile and Apo's notice either.

"Equality isn't real in this world."

Apo's comment at KPWT Bangkok day 2, which many people have noted was likely about complaints over them reenacting Kinn and Porsche's first kiss live. I'm not going to look for it but @soft-husbands mentioned she saw a fancam that blurred the kiss out on Youtube 😑 (Why did you watch KPTS in the first place then.)

"People say that they are open minded, But they are actually not."

And isn't that the crux of it.

As I always say, you haven't have an opinion on the truth. So in the end, no one's opinions on the situation matters except for Mile's and Apo's. But it does suck to bear the brunt of people's negativity doesn't it.

Hopefully this didn't make you feel more sad... but you're not alone in noticing it at least.

#cw homophobia #mileapo #kpwt #kpwt bangkok #kpwt manila #mileapo and pride