#someone) because unavailablr ppl wont Ever get a certain level close emotionally since theyll leave you.

[mejomonster]

I gotta. Learn how to date again ;-;

#rant #am i gonna brute force try dating apps then feel hopeless and anxious and socially Too Not Understanding Rules to get anything forward? #yeah probably then ill be real sad. :/ i watched a tedtalk today about fear of intimacy and how like u get hurt in love once #and ur brain tells u the story it was UR fault or youll have the SAME experiencr again. so u illogically either avoid finding love #because u associate it with PAIN. or u go for unavailable people (me! no one i dated ever liked me back they just dated me until they liked #someone) because unavailablr ppl wont Ever get a certain level close emotionally since theyll leave you. #and so i think partly i had unavailable partners CAUSE i was scared to be in an abusive 7 year nightmare again ToT #so i have to conciously Start saying hey it wasnt me. hey its okay to be vulnerable best reward is love #and worst i can just leave itll be okay (byt also dang i barely cry im a bit emotiomally numb #despite the self awareness). so like. i trust my very Good judgement of red flags. but i need to conciously try to #believe i may NOT be hurt next time. and maybe idk flip a coin the next petson isnt unavailable. #but. the thing is. befote i can even PRACTICE saying no to unavailable and yes to interested people? #i literally work myself into an anxious mess trying to research the norms for How To Date. How to Ask Out. Where to Meet Ppl. #i get so anxious over conglicting advice everywhere i just CANT do it all! it contradicts!! and also like #i literally havent had a single crush in 5 years or more. 10k tinder matches and no crush #who knows how many hinge matches. no crush. #i havent even felt like potentially i liked a person in years. and i yavent managed a date in like 4! #and rhe last date i lowered my standards to: anyone replying. so went on a date whete they were nice but #had nothing in common and never spoke again. #despite me trying to ask ppl out on apps and chatting on apps thru these years. 1 date. thats all that said yes and we didnt even #think each other as good fits. (also im demi so i need to like.. guess if someones compatible then date for 3-5 months to even know if ill #develop feelings so. even if ppl responf AND i ask every single person out. most arent gonna be interested in Long Term #and in Exploring Potential compatibility until i can develop feelings (or let them know by like 4 months if i couldnt) so :c #i would like love!! i like best friends!! im great at making friends!!! but dating? apparently im so dumb i feel #dumber than a 70 year old on an app at least they might know the rules and get a date and make a friend! #id also you know like to have sex again regularly reliably with a person i love byt that #may well take 500k matches. 20 dates. 3 people who maybe dated more than 3 outings. and if im lucky 1 who #really fell in love and we mutually clicked #or idk maybe itll take a million people or worse odds i am not liking these odds at all.... #but making friends? why cant dating be likr that??!!! within a few months i can meet ppl who like tarot and dark fantasy and meditation and