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leverage-commentary · 4 years

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Leverage Season 2, Episode 6, The Top Hat Job, Audio Commentary Transcript

Dean: Hello I’m Dean Devlin, Executive Producer.

Christine: I’m Christine Boylan, one of the writers.

Peter: Peter O’Fallon, Director.

John: John Rogers, Executive Producer.

Scott: Scott Veach, the other writer.

Chris: Chris Downey, Executive Producer. And this is the Top Hat Job.

John: See, I was hoping we’d pretend that there were like twelve more people [All Laugh] in this, like, baffling list. Uh, the Top Hat Job was born actually of two things. One, Scott Veach, who’s a name you haven’t heard before on the show, came in as a freelancer to pitch a magician show. And at the same time, Tim Hutton had said that he would like to play a magician.

[Chris and Christine Laugh]

John: And Tim makes very few requests of us, so it seemed like not a bad idea. The question is, of course, well, how would you go about doing this? Um either Christine or Scott, can you tell me where we got the villain from?

Christine: Uh... where did- where did we get the villain from?

John: I think it was-

Christine: Uh, was a-

Scott: Oh, yeah.

Christine: -magazine article. Again, I believe Albert Kim brought that into the room-

John: Yes.

Christine: -a lot of these, this season we all had a hand in everything and I love that. Albert brought in this article about a foods company that was knowingly putting out salmonella-laced meals, frozen meals on the market and we were just really upset.

John: As a matter of fact, the really ridiculous villainous thing we have this guy say, which is, ‘You’re supposed to cook it to this temperature. It’s on the package; that’s why we’re not liable’ is something that company actually said-

Christine: Completely true.

John: Without mentioning the fact that even in their laboratories, they could never get it that hot.

[All Chuckle]

John: So these guys, the real life villains, are far worse than the enormously cartoonish evil guys we have in this show.

Christine: Absolutely.

John: And now, who’s this actress?

Chris: This is, uh, Jennifer, uh… Skyler.

John: Chris always has the cast list, thats-

Chris: Yes, I got my cast list right here. This is Jennifer Skyler, she’s a local Portland actress, and tried out and was fantastic.

Peter: She did a great job.

John: Now Peter, this, y’know, I think this is another one we really cast almost entirely out of Portland, right?

Peter: All but the bad guy. I think the bad guy-

Chris: I think so, yeah. I think-

Dean: Yeah, yeah.

John: What was it like working with, like, the Portland humans, Peter?

Peter: Overall it was pretty good. We had a little bit of uh, well, you know, and it turned out very well, thank you.

[All Laugh]

John: We got a state grant on the line here, Peter, so don’t screw this up for us, man.

Peter: No, she was- she was great, she was uh, she did a really good job. The concept was to try to add as much pressure to her so that you’d have compassion for her, and as you can see right where we are right now, she does a very good job of it.

John: And during the uh, during the... um, horrible credit sequence we all hate.

[Christine Laughs]

John: And I can say that, ‘cause it’s the DVD, they’ve already bought it.

Peter: Saga sell.

[All Laugh]

John: Yeah, it’s the saga sell. That’s actually, you know Pete, it’s the first time somebody’s brought up the phrase ‘saga sell’. Uh, who wants to define the ‘saga sell’ for the nice folks?

Peter: That was uh, I did the show The Riches and that was the bane of our existence, was trying to sell what the show is about, that’s what the saga sell-

John: In thirty seconds you have to remind new viewers what the show is about, and annoy old viewers.

Christine: Wow.

John: And now, why is this scientist drinking? Someone tell me that.

Christine: Because her last name is Jameson.

[All Laugh]

Christine: You’re welcome.

Chris: I believe that was your addition to the- to the character, wasn’t it? I mean-

Christine: I do like naming characters, yes.

Chris: She was initially known as ‘plucky research girl’, I believe?

John: Science girl. Plucky science girl.

Christine: Many variations on that.

Chris: And then a lot of the- there was a big cry out in the development of the story: “more plucky science girl!” And I think Christine, you added the little wrinkle that she likes to— likes to drink a few.

Christine: She does like to drink a few. I’m a big fan of uh—

Peter: Drink a lot.

Christine: Yeah, she does like to drink a lot. Um, I’m a big fan of victims who like to get involved and crusade a little bit and we hadn’t had one in a while, so getting her involved was a lot of fun.

John: It’s always tricky, because the victim, in theory, you don’t want to endanger these innocent people who’ve always been in some sort of danger, but if you don’t check in with them or don’t make them present in the story, they disappear.

Christine: But she’s plucky, has no discernible friends or family, and is a drunk, [All Laugh] so I think it’s okay that we go ahead and, you know, put her in danger.

Peter: And we decided on the set to have her play that— she’s playing really, uh, she really enjoys Tim’s company; would like to be with Tim a lot more than she’s letting on.

John: Well, you know, Tim’s a dreamy guy, right?

Christine: He is.

John: You know, when I use his photo and pretend to be him on the internet, I do very well.

[All Laugh]

Scott: I do that same thing!

John: Yeah, exactly, there’s a lot of guys pretending to be Tim Hutton on the internet, so if you ever get something dirty from Tim Hutton on the internet, it might not be him.

[All Laugh]

Christine: The actual Tim Hutton [unintelligible].

Chris: Interesting thing in his little reaction here. When I was watching this, it really, it took me back to Ordinary People because, remember him playing flustered, in Ordinary People, around the girl?

John: Yeah.

Chris: It’s very much, you see it on his face right here.

Peter: Little nervous.

Chris: It’s kinda right there-

Christine: Yeah, there’s an ‘aw shucks’ quality to it. I love it.

John: And it was interesting because, trying to get the Sophie character, trying to reconcile like what was going on here, was the understanding that they had screwed up whatever they’d kind of had first season. And so this is the phase where, you know, even if Sophie doesn’t necessarily want to see Nate off with somebody else, she knows he has to at least have some sort of human relationship—

Christine: Mhm.

John: — that this isolation that he’s engaged himself in will eventually, you know, isn’t healthy, and it is, as a matter of fact, what eventually destroys him over the course of the second season.

Christine: Mhm. Spoiler. [Laughs]

Peter: And she’s also trying to uh—

John: I think people know it’s not ending well. [Christine Laughs]

Peter: And she’s trying to break his balls a little by leaving him there alone.

John: Yeah, yeah, exactly. And that’s great, that’s— this take goes forever.

Timestamp: [5:00]

Christine: Yeah, he has this nice uncomfortable beat.

John: And still—

[All Laugh]

Scott: Ooooooh…

Peter: Well… so… uh.

Christine: Been on that date.

[All Laugh]

Peter: What about them Yankees? How ‘bout those Yankees? [More Laughter] So, you gonna make a move there, son? [laughter continues]

John: So—

Peter: No, I’m not.

John: No, no. Aaand thank you, sir.

Christine:And, leave the bottle.

John: Another drink.

Chris: One more drink.

[All Laugh]

John: Yeah she’s gonna be very lonely, looking like that, drunk, in a bar in Boston. She’s not gonna do well. Uh, this is actually interesting. Now, Scott, you wrote a big chunk of this sequence, if I remember correctly. This is interesting, this is not something we usually see on the show; uh, why don’t you tell us about it?

Scott: You mean where, where they’re failing?

John: Yes. But Scott—

Scott: They never fail!

John: Scott came in and made the characters you love suck. Now Scott, explain why you did that.

Scott: [Laughs] Uh, yeah. No, but it was, you know, I think it was a, it was a group idea. But it was- the idea was it’d be really fun to see them get overconfident, and to see what happens when, you know; it’s usually, they’re so good at everything that they do, what happens when that sort of falls apart and how do they react? And so we thought it’d be really fun to see what that looks like.

John: How did you— how many takes to get him to balance the damn ball on his forehead?

Peter: We stuck it to his head. [John laughs]

Christine: Aww, that’s adorable.

Scott: There’s some, there’s some tape under there.

Peter: The other one too, is a- the- the bandana on his head is covering a scar—

Christine: Oh, yes, he is.

John: Oh, this was this episode.

Peter: — that was left because, in one of the fights he got caught and got stitches.

Chris: We’ll get to that; that’s a good story there.

Christine: This is the one, yeah.

Peter: So we added the scarf to cover the stitches.

John: Yeah, and it’s also, it’s interesting because it is- it is something they’re doing, and you know, when he says after Tim walks in, you know, there’s no blueprint fairy. The idea is, this scene, all this act here, is what happens in act zero of every other show. Like in every other show, they’re doing this, they’re showing up as pizza guys, they’re getting sketches of buildings and stuff, we just never bother to see it because this time they, they—

Dean: Actually this particular scene here was not actually, was not in the episode—

Scott: Oh, that’s right.

Dean: — when we came in, when we came in short, [All Laugh] we added this scene, and one of the things I’m so proud about is that it seamlessly goes into this scene, which was part of the show—

Chris: That I could not believe.

Dean: And it actually ended up adding a very nice-

John: The other side of the door, that first side of the door was shot how many months after the- this side of the door?

Dean: About a month.

Scott: Probably a month, it was probably about a month. And see if you can track, uh, Gina’s pregnancy there.

[All Laugh]

Scott: It’s an interesting thing.

John: Yeah, it’s really— you’re kind of in a medium-close there. There she’s okay.

Christine: She’s glowing, she’s gorgeous.

John: She is glowing.

Peter: We decided to give Tim a lot of movement here because the concept is, he knows it’s all gonna go bad—

John: Yeah.

Peter: — they don’t.

Scott: He’s convinced it’s gonna go bad; he’s gonna sit down and wait.

John: Well, in the research, it was a little stunning. When we started investigating these food companies, because, you know, in the show it’s always, how do you have a threat? And uh, the scale— the amount of money that these guys throw around, is truly boggling, and the depths to which they will go to cover up their maleficence is uh, it’s… they’re not putting people in shallow graves, but they’re ruining people’s lives.

Peter: Did you notice his name?

John: What’s that?

Peter & Christine: Oleg.

John: Oleg, why?

Peter: I dunno.

[All Laugh]

Christine: Damn sexy name.

Scott: Yeah, I don’t think that was in the script.

John: I like that it’s “Super Hot Pizza”, because you wouldn’t want to buy another kind.

Dean: But I also notice that this- this entire sequence, the camera never stops moving, and it— just love the way you use the camera in this sequence.

Peter: Try to keep the heat going on, the pressure.

John: Now when you’re planning on shooting something that cross cuts between two to three situations, I mean, you know, are you trying to match actual camera left-to-right movement? Or do you just keep it in motion and assume that when you’re cutting it that’s gonna play?

Peter: I try to match it, right-to-left. You know, the idea was that Tim’s static, and he’s just sitting there doing, uh, you know, he’s confident about what’s going on while the rest of them are panicking.

John: He’s Reed Richards back there, he knows.

Scott: It’s like his version of TV, to watch this.

Peter: Exactly.

John: Nice fight, by the way.

Scott: By the way, this was literally maybe twelve hours after he’d gotten stitched up, he did this fight.

Peter: If that, yeah.

Christine: He is a superhero, seriously.

Peter: He takes it very seriously.

John: I always say, shit kicker is genetic.

Dean: And I think that’s our first ‘in the nuts’ shot of the series.

John: I think it is.

Peter: I like to do those nut shots.

Christine: Nice.

John: That was in your contract.

Dean: And I love the whole Parker thing here, this whole Parker exchange here was just inspired.

John: Yes, her idea of witty banter just doesn’t quite cut it.

[All Laugh]

John: But yeah, neither one really gets it.

Christine: Who put Parker in the glasses? A+. She looks great.

John: Thanks for bringing the lesbian vibe tonight, Christine.

Christine: You know, I’m here, you know, I’m representing all kinds of people.

Chris: Here’s another shot.

John: Nice green screen. Have you not seen that nice green screen? Nice green screen shot. Um yeah, there’s a lot of green screen in this one actually, just because there’s a lot of Parker hanging places.

Dean: I love this Aldis ending here, trying to, like, put a good spin on it.

[All Laugh]

Peter: And Aldis was quite at adding little quips here and there, and the fun stuff.

John: Yeah, a lot of— by this point, these actors know these characters well enough that, you know, a lot of times you’re just trying to get out of their way when they’re on pace.

Peter: This was a note that Chris gave me, which I loved, which is that they’re, like, children.

Timestamp: [10:00]

Chris: They’re siblings.

Peter: And Tim’s the father.

Chris: And Dean, you were here for this, I believe—

Dean: I was here for the poking.

Chris: And I think that I gotta give you credit for kinda, getting the whole poking thing. You know, ‘Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.’

Dean: Yeah, we just wanted to get that vibe of ‘Daaad.’

[All Laugh]

Peter: ‘He’s bugging me, stop it!’

John: The ice thing we actually established early in the season; the idea that they’re constantly raiding Nate’s apartment for the tools- his life has turned upside down, at some point, three AM, he will wake up and they will be in his apartment, like, bandaging themselves up with his stuff.

Christine: Eating cereal.

John: Yes, eating cereal. He has not had ice for a drink in, like, four months; it’s all for Eliot’s bruises.

Scott: ‘She’s poking me!’

[All Laugh]

Peter: ‘Leave me alone, dad.’

Dean: Love it.

John: Now, this whole section where they introduce how we get the information because these guys couldn’t get in, uh, Erik with a ‘k’.

Christine: Always evil.

Peter: I love the reaction with the ‘k’, too, here, that she’s uh, ‘I didn’t know that.’

[All Laugh]

Dean: And she goes, ‘Everyone knows that.’ [All Laugh] And he’s like, ‘What the fuck?‘

Christine: I got a lot of weird Facebook messages after this aired, by the way, from Eriks with ‘k’s.

John: You actually get all three character’s attitudes flawlessly there, which is: Parker just lives in a slightly different world, it’s about ten degrees off of everyone else; and Sophie treats her like its just, oh, I didn’t know it was that way in your world; while Nate, Nate is the only sane man in an insane world.

Chris: Here, look at this, we gotta give credit to Apollo Robbins, here. Apollo gave us [unintelligible].

Dean: I love this camera work, I love this idea of attaching the camera to the packet.

John: What is it? Is it just a button cam, or…?

Peter: Eh, we just attached the camera with a c-stand onto the box itself.

John: Oh cool. Um, that whole trojan horse thing comes from Apollo Robbins.

Chris: Apollo Robbins, our consultant, gives us all kinds of, you know-

Peter: And you will see a short little cameo of him in the back in one of the scenes.

John: Oh cool!

Peter: We’ll point him out.

Chris: We’ll talk more about him later.

[All Laugh]

Peter: Oh that was a great idea. Speedos are always good.

John: But there’s a hacker conference in vegas called DefCon every year, and that year, the trojan bluetooth cellphone happened to be the big thing of that year, so we ganked that. Um, you know, we really should, like McGuyver, leave out one crucial element, because we have taught people to do fairly horrible things on this show, and only later do we realize, oh we…we taught them exactly how to do that.

[All Laugh]

John: We should have rethought that.

Dean: Oops.

John: And then they’re talking about the horrible corporate meeting.

Chris: I think that was- Albert Kim, who worked at Time Warner and their magazines for many years, introduced us to the state of the company meeting, where they often have magicians. That was, kind of, what brought the whole episode together.

John: And remember, I had done a bunch of those, and that’s why as soon as Albert said that, I was like oh god, I actually did one of these shows when they announced layoffs right before I went on.

Christine: That was a great day in their world.

Peter: Well that’s a tough room.

Chris: Because folks, surprisingly, to do a show - a heist/con show involving a magician, is not the easiest thing in the world.

[All Laugh]

John: No, really, oddly enough.

Chris: When that’s your mandate…

John: Yeah, we don’t usually start backwards like that, but you know what, this actually turned out pretty coherent, considering.

Dean: I love this whole magic bit here, I think this was inspired.

Christine: This kid’s great.

John: This guy is so- now why are they dressed like fif- by the way, Parker and Hardison here are either, a) dressed like a fifties’ couple or b) like the couple from Thriller, from the horror movie Thriller.

Christine: I thought b), I thought we were going for that-

Dean: They are college kids.

John: They’re college kids, is that how the flappers are dressing now?

Chris: This is Tim Gouran as Chronos.

John: [wheezing] Chronos… Oh the nipple rings are horrifying.

Christine: They’re fantastic.

Peter: The guy does- the guy’s channelling...what’s his name?

All: Chris Angel.

Peter: The way he does the movement, and all of that, we asked him to just study him and go wild with it.

Christine: I remember his audition tape; made me laugh.

Peter: I love that she’s reluctant to go up to the- first she goes, ‘Oh no no no, I don’t wanna go-’

Christine: ‘No, I don’t like magic-’

John: God, he’s so cheesy- oh man, and then him showing her exact- and that’s the- it’s interesting that the entire show’s, kind of, about trade secrets. Because you know, the whole idea is the advantage these characters have is, they know how these tricks work, which is a trade secret. Wow, that’s a really creepy look.

[All Laugh]

John: “Silence!”

Scott: Oh, he was great.

John: I almost enjoy this sequence more without words. Seriously, I’m like half a Guinness in and I’m loving this.

Chris: And kudos to the assistant, giving the bored reactions.

Peter: She’s just bored out of her mind.

John: I believe that’s actually in the script, right? ‘Even his assistant doesn’t like him.’

Peter: ‘That’s my girlfriend; that’s her up there, quit looking.’

Chris: A lot of great ad libs here from them.

John: Again, this is one of those places where when it’s, you know, Aldis and Beth, you just kinda get out of their way, and you assume it’s gonna work out.

Timestamp: [15:00]

[All Laugh]

Dean: This guy is so great.

Christine: We’re all just watching him.

John: I almost want to bring him back now; now that I’m watching this again?

Dean: He’s so over the top; it’s awesome.

Christine: Can we please bring him back? He’s adorable.

Peter: And once again, kudos to our magic… what’s his name again?

Christine: Apollo.

Peter: He helped him out with all these, how they do it.

Chris: He designed the box. I mean he did so much; he added so much to this episode.

Peter: That was a mistake, and it was hilarious, you know, with the sword; she grabbed it and pulled it in, and I thought it was hilarious.

John: No, I’m actually- I’m friends with David Ackroyd who designs tricks for Penn & Teller, and the whole, sort of, the loathing for stage magicians that these guys have is hilarious. Oh, the eskimo kisses. And the rings. Yup, I think we went through a whole day of, like, looking at tricks and seeing what could malfunction in the most annoying way.

Christine: That was an odd day of YouTube clips, I’ll tell you. We went down the rabbit hole there.

John: No odder than usual, really.

Christine: No odder than usual, it’s true.

Chris: I love the way this actor dropped the character at one point, like “stop it!”

John: That’s really, that’s dark, ‘cause now I can actually- now as he runs off-

Peter: ’Is there a surgeon? Is there a surgeon?’

John: Like, with Parker actually trapped in the box still, nice. And, another innocent human destroyed in our quest for justice.

Christine: Not so innocent. Not so innocent.

John: Yeah, that’s true.

Christine: He was sexually harassing his assistant, I believe it says in the text.

Chris: Here’s George Castillo, who’s playing Dan Markland, head of security, who is our bad guy’s henchman.

John: He’s the Busey. We can say Busey, Busey is the word we use all the time-

Peter: And here’s Tim, having fun.

Christine: Oh no.

John: If you haven’t heard the first season DVDs, the Busey is based on Gary Busey’s character in Lethal Weapon.

Dean: Are those Apollo’s hands?

Chris: Those are Apollo’s hands.

John: Uh, who is the thug who brings physical violence so that the main bad guy doesn’t have to. Yes, that’s Apollo doing the close up stuff. Although Tim did a little bit of it; Tim really got into it.

Dean: Oh, he was into it.

Peter: And again, Tim handled this so well, the idea that the- they just start pushing away and go through it all- they just start pushing their way in.

John: Yeah, exactly. Well, that’s the, you know, all of heist and confidence shows are just, just keep it moving so people can’t ask questions.

Dean: And carefully placing Gina behind the box.

[All Laugh]

Peter: She’s always carefully placed, you’ll notice.

Christine: We couldn’t have laundry in this one, so we, you know.

John: What is Beth- what is Beth wearing?

Dean: This got more and more obvious as the season went on.

Peter: I’ll bet.

John: Beth is like Neil Gaiman’s Death back there.

Christine: I know, I love it. Again, A+ Parker look right here. Just, all these Parker outfits are terrific.

John: And it’s interesting, it’s really interesting because you got, everyone’s got a very distinct look; in particular I love Aldis in the suit, as the engineer, as the kind of like.. you know, you can totally see how that character lives his life. He dresses up, he goes to these shows, he’s actually based- that character’s based on a British fictional character called Jonathan Creek, which is a British mystery show about a guy who designs magic tricks. He’s not the magician, he’s the guy who designs the impossible and he solves impossible crimes, and you know, when you have five humans, coming up with a role for everyone to play, never easy. That’s why Chris is actually in the box.

Peter: Oh, this is the rabbit gag.

Christine: Oh, the rabbit. I love the camera work here.

Chris: And this is all one shot, watch, watch this.

Dean: This is a beautiful steadicam shot.

Peter: Our steadicam operator was, uh, a bit nervous when we started, but- except for this.

Dean: Oh, this is awesome; one of my favorite flashbacks.

John: Now this- And we have not done a lot of the flashes this year-

Christine: Look at their face. [All Laugh] That’s great.

Scott: That was my mom’s favorite moment.

Christine: “It’s not the same thing.“

Chris: And the rabbit’s gone.

John: That was actually written as just an anecdote, and then we hadn’t done a flash in so long, it’s like, you know what, what the hell, let’s bury a kid.

Dean: And what’s the story with the girl who played Parker? Wasn’t there a story behind that? That she didn’t get to do that part in a different episode?

Chris: I think that’s right, she got cut out earlier.

John: Yeah, she got cut from the MMA one, the flashback of Parker’s first concert. And then, so instead, we gave this one where we buried her alive, in a backyard in Vancouver, Washington.

Christine: That girl’s adorable.

Chris: Backyard? That was a public park.

[All Laugh]

Christine: Buried a girl alive in a public park.

Peter: Marc Roskin shot that, by the way.

Chris: Yes, Marc Roskin did a fantastic job shooting that.

Christine: Only on Leverage.

Chris: That’s how accommodating they are in Portland.

John: ‘Hi, uh, listen, we’re the film department. We’d like to bury a twelve year old girl alive in a public park, if you can-’

Christine: ‘Great, great, we’ll get you a brunette, we’ll get you a redhead-’

Peter: I actually had a bet with the location department, because I’ve been all over the world shooting, where you could never dig a park up. In Portland you can.

John: No, they’re very happy to have us there.

Chris: We have eminent domain powers in Portland.

[All Laugh]

John: ‘We’re here seize your home.’ ‘What?’

Scott: We’re like diplomats.

John: To be fair, we couldn’t have made this year without Portland. I mean, seriously, the locations we got?

Peter: No.

John: Oh yeah. ‘Where’s the rabbit?’ Nice running gag, by the way, I don’t believe that was in the script?

Peter: No, that was just [unintelligible].

Chris: Nah, that came up on set.

Timestamp: [20:00]

John: Nice. You didn’t actually lose the rabbit, did you?

Peter: No. No white rabbits were harmed filming this show.

John: Now, have you shot a con or heist show before?

Peter: Uh, I did The Riches.

John: The Riches, yeah. So— but that’s almost more of a character piece, than a— ‘cause they, they’re, he’s running a long con, but not—

Peter: Yeah, big tycoon, he’s lying to everyone all the time.

John: Yeah, exactly. Was there any—

Peter: Not quite this… this…

John: Yeah this is more heisty, y’know, was there any prep you did coming into this, just like looking at stuff, or, uh-? I’m always curious, because we have different directors come in, it’s a very different kind of show. It’s not like, say, ER, where it’s the hospital, there are doctors—

Peter: Everybody runs a steadicam shot all the way through.

John: Yeah, exactly.

Peter: No, actually, I just uh— I watched the, like, five shows that Dean had sent me, and in the big picture I got the idea, I mean the concept. Also, I love that Tim wanted to do the magic so badly that we ended up writing, what, four or five more pages that we shot for days on end. But it was great; it was really fun. And for me it was all movement; the whole show is about movement.

John: Yeah.

Peter: And we added a whole bunch of guards everywhere so, I wanted to have an extra pressure all the time, so every time they step around the corner there’s more security people walking around, so it appears as though—

Dean: I love this guy, who played the uh, the CFO.

Christine: Oh, yeah.

Chris: This is, uh, Jack Armstrong, another local Portland actor.

Dean: This bit was great, what was the story behind this bit?

John: I actually dropped this one in the script based on a guy who had been driving around, um, San Francisco with a RFID receiver, ganking people’s passport numbers out of their pockets. He was, like, driving around in a car, and the RFID chips were giving off enough of a signal that he could read their data as he drove by.

Peter: God.

John: So getting your car to do it was a piece of cake. I mean, getting your phone to do it at that range, eminently believable. That is one of the things about this show, is you spend an awful lot of time telling America they’re nowhere near as safe as they think they are.

[All Laugh]

Peter: This uh, this gag in the elevator, uh, the giant bar broke, and damn near took off… uh, who’s head?

John: Aldis?

Peter: Aldis, and Chris, actually. Both of them.

John: No, don’t hurt Aldis. I mean Chris, has the shit-kicker genes; he heals in like a day. Seriously he’s got some weird Wolverine stuff going on, but now, don’t bang Aldis up, man. You know, that’s weird, that happened on a pilot I shot in San Diego. They had a wire rig for two thousand pounds, had two hundred and twenty pounds of people on it, snapped, put them through like fifteen feet; dropped them right through the ceiling of a hut they were supposed to fall through. Now luckily, they were supposed to fall through the hut, so we got the shot.

Peter: Right.

John: And they were fine. [Laughs] But the point is—

Peter: Well, we had one take, we had one take of this, that’s it.

Scott: Yeah, this is it.

Peter: Luckily it worked really well.

Dean: Oh this is great, uh, falling through the, uh…

Chris: The elevator shaft.

Dean: The elevator shaft. Now part of the- this gag actually came because of TNT, right? What was the story behind that?

Chris: TNT said, ‘How come the in the script it just has him falling up? And we suggest her falling through the elevator shaft.’ And we said, ‘Well, if you’d like to pay for a shot of them falling through the elevator shaft, [All Laugh] we’d be happy to shoot it.’ And credit to TNT, they did.

Dean: That’s so great.

Peter: And I love– again, they’re arguing like — they’re back at arguing like kids, about who goes out and what they do and how they handle it.

Dean: Yeah, I love Eliot’s one, it’s like, ‘Who wants to be me? I punch people.’

Chris: ‘I get punched and kicked.’

John: That’s it. That is his lot in life, man, and he knows it.

Peter: And this was actually a auditorium from a large corporation.

John: Yeah. This is how they do those shows, man; those shows are death. They’re a lot of money, but they are death.

Chris: Hook it to something. There we go.

John: Now you shoot— Now, when you’re shooting up, this is green-, this is all computer generated right?

Chris: There we go.

John: But when you’re shooting up through the top of the elevator, was that green too, or��

Peter: Yes. I love his reaction here.

John: Yeah. And down.

Dean: I like the little pause, though. Like, everything’s okay, and then, Bugs Bunny.

John: It is Bugs Bunny, isn’t it?

All: Woah!

Dean: And that is digital debris, my friends.

Christine: Wow.

John: That is digital debris. So let me get this straight - we dropped digital pieces of cardboard, but we used a giant bar to lift our actor and slam him against the top of an elevator.

Peter: And slam him hard, too.

John: Okay. Good, that’s good, I’m glad we got our priorities straight.

Chris: There was a little smile from Aldis there because it was just so fun. I mean it was like, we couldn’t— and we only had one shot at it. I mean, you really wanted him to be scared, but it was just too impossible when he got pulled to the ceiling.

Peter: And we decided to add this part at the end where they drop.

[All Laugh]

Dean: “You didn’t see that coming, seriously?”

John: We actually, uh, it was a big debate this year, and most people watching the DVD might now know Jeri Ryan, until she shows up, when she would get her ‘seriously?’, because being allowed to say ‘seriously’ is part of the whole ‘you’re part of the team'.

Timestamp: [25:00]

Christine: On the writing staff, too.

John: Yeah, exactly, exactly.

Peter: Where did Erik Casten come from, the name?

John: Uh, clearances. [Laughter] Seriously man, we accuse people of such horrible, actionable crimes, we absolutely will.

Christine: Well what do we say, K's are evil?

John: K's are evil.

Christine: S's, P's, you know, things like that. And so I, you know—

John: An F or a Ph, that's usually evil.

Christine: I like to work with sounds, when we're naming.

Scott: Oh here he's covering his scar there, too.

John: Yeah.

Scott: If you guys are paying attention, he puts his hat back on.

John: And again, it's, it's—'cause we just did the commentary for The Order 23 Job, and this is another one where it's just, you just take Aldis and Chris, you let them be annoyed with each other, and you set them off on a separate plotline. And that will bring you amusement.

Peter: Yes. Mark Roskin shot this scene also, because my wife was having surgery.

John: Oh I'm sorry, is she okay?

Peter: Yeah, she's fine. God bless you guys though, it's the only time I've actually been able to leave. [All Laugh] 'My wife's having surgery.' 'Sorry, you can't-- have to stay.'

John: Well, Marc Roskin directed, uh, MMA, the MMA job which is on the set of discs and everything; he's actually our Producer/Director up there, who stayed up in Portland. So he picked up a lot of-- he shot a lot of stuff. We're... we shoot in seven days when we should really shoot in, oh, ten. Right?

Christine: Everybody gets to work with Rosky, that's uh, that's the way it goes.

John: That's the tradition. Uh, which hack is he doing right now?

Chris: I think this is when he hacks into the camera.

John: Oh, as he hacks into the remote camera.

Chris: He hacks into the remote camera.

John: That's another thing we—

Dean: Yeah this is when we decided to have that— the camera on his belt buckle allowed them to see what he was doing on the computer.

John: The phone camera.

Dean: The phone camera.

Christine: Right.

John: Also eminently doable. It's a bit cludgy, but you can- you can do it.

Peter: Tim's bombing here, which— we decided to give an arc here-

John: See, this is my question, because Tim's bombing, alright, and that's what I found delightful, is the fact that Nate Ford is finally not good at something.

All: Right.

John: What was the audience thinking? These are Portland extras, they've been told they're seeing Tim Hutton, did he just go up and suck, or did you tell them he was going to suck?

Scott: No, they were—

Peter: We told them that—Uh, we stood up and we showed all the uh, audience reactions, and Tim was up there with me and I was yelling out 'Okay now he really sucks; no, he really, really sucks' [All Laugh] 'No, he's boring', and they would all get really bored.

Chris: Now here were these real tricks that Apollo Robbins taught them to do, we did— we kinda had a little magic bootcamp while this filming was going on. And uh, you know these are all things Apollo brought up there, and we choreographed; they just had a ball.

Peter: It was astounding the show still turned out short with the four pages we added there. [All Laugh] Nothing but magicians.

Chris: But, but it's a testament to the pace of this show, I mean you really- it just flies.

John: It's, uh— and she's having another drink.

Peter: More drink.

Christine: Still in the bar.

John: Seriously, we're so—

Peter: Three days later.

John: We're so bringing drunk science girl back.

Christine: Oh, that's right.

John: I love science— I love a good science girl anyways, so.

Scott: Who doesn't?

John: Who doesn't?

Christine: Drunk science girl is just a bonus.

John: Yup.

Peter: Covered his scar again.

John: Yeah. But it's a tricky bit, because you know, your average television script is between forty five and fifty five pages, and because we're an action driven show we just never know where we're gonna land.

Christine: Yeah.

John: Um, that's cosy. [All Laugh]

Chris: That's a great shot right there.

Christine: No comment.

John: Yeah that's, that's a great shot.

Peter: Once again the bad guys walk by.

John: You know what, if they were- if they were really good at their jobs, they wouldn't be working at a food company.

Chris: Eh, now they're starting to get the hang of their magic act, you see things starting to turn around.

John: Uh, and then, oh yeah, we came up with the whole idea— this was the other thing, is, what were the constraints, what you need for security systems?

Peter: This the most— with the check, the chances of us timing this correctly were so slim, and this was the first take. Wow.

Scott: That was perfect.

Peter: Racked to it. And everybody got up at the right time.

John: Nice. You either get that— you know what, that always is a first take, isn't it? It's like, either you get it or you don't, yeah? Um, yeah that was a big part of designing this episode, is, we had to figure out what were the security systems in place, and how they could possibly interact with magic, none of us being magicians.

Chris: Right.

John: Yeah, it was a lot of, uh, a lot of big lists on the board that day. I like how the thing even has a top to hide her, uh, her pregnancy there. The sword thing is even at the right height.

Peter: The background absolutely loved Tim. They thoroughly enjoyed the—they sat there for, I dunno, eight or nine hours?

Christine: Wow.

Dean: I love that. 'No questions!' [All Laugh]

Chris: Yeah, first thing was- was a fingerprint. Okay—

Dean: 'Belieeeve in the magic.'

Chris: —well lets, how would they get a fingerprint if you're a magician on stage? Well okay, this is how. How would we relay it? And it was all... There's a lot of great gadgets here, we have the [Chuckles], you know the handy, uh, Brother P-Touch... [Laughs]

John: Yeah! The Brother P-Touch fingerprint printer.

Christ: The Brother P-Touch fingerprinter which, uh, available at [sounds like: hamburger shlemer] folks.

John: You know what? Again, this is why people underestimate Hardison. He has to have this stuff in his bag all the time. That's why he has the van. The van is there for a reason, people.

Christine: Respect the van.

Dean: Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this was the first episode that we introduced the gummy frogs—

Chris: Yes.

Dean:—which now became a partner with the orange soda as a necessary thing for Hardison at all times.

John: It is required, it is absolutely required for Hardison to have gummy frogs while hacking.

Dean: And orange soda.

John: And orange soda.

Chris: Alright, now they got the fingerprint, now it's smooth sailing, we get to get in. Uh, not so fast.

John: Uh, well they need to get—it's not so fast because now they need the gel.

Peter: I'll never forget when the prop guy said— we started with gummy bears, gummy this, gummy that, and when you said, I think, gummy frogs, and he's like, "You're fucking killing me".

[All Laugh]

Chris: Nope, gotta be gummy frogs.

Christine: They're exactly the right size! They're perfect.

Timestamp: [30:00]

John: It's gotta be frogs. And again, by the way, I've actually seen the video where Bruce Schneier used this exact technique to fool a $150,000 fingerprint scanner.

Chris: Yeah.

John: The type that the TSA uses to secure airports.

Christine: So please try this at home.

Chris: This is a great reaction right here.

John: And that's a great reaction. Just the laser, just the mocking him with the lasers.

Chris: And literally, ‘I'm spinning plates here, I'm spinning plates here while you're asking me for retinas.’ He's spinning plates!

Christine: Doing a great job! Spinning plates. And juggling.

Chris: And the retinas part is, to me, what the show is all about, what Leverage is all about, is that we have to put a CEO in a magic box, to bring him to scan his retinas. That is a whole, whole thing.

Dean: That's my favorite part of this whole episode, that for me... when I read that in the draft, I literally fell out of my chair laughing. I thought that was the funniest bit.

Christine: I think that was our favorite bit to do in the room.

John: Yeah, I must have driven the staff crazy, because I must have said 'They put me in a box' a thousand times.

Christine: It was hilarious. And the fake music cues we would make up, wheeling along...

John: Yeah. Oh, remember the uh, the thing I had was the sound of the box [mimics squeaking] and then we cut to the box. [mimics squeaking] 'Hey, is anybody out there?''

Chris: And this was great, this is Apollo—Apollo figured out how we would do the uh, box switch.

John: Cause the box actually works slightly differently, that's not how you'd usually do it, but he—Apollo invented a version of the trick on the fly.

Christine: For us.

John: [mimics squeaking] Hello?

[All Laugh]

Chris: And this stuff, when we shot this, I literally was crying, I was laughing so hard. We were shooting the stuff of him in the box, the CEO-

John: How did you shoot that?

Peter: We attached a camera again, kind of like the box shot earlier, attached the camera to the box and spun it. But I was surprised, it didn't look like I thought it would. It looks great, but it didn't turn out like I thought it would. But he was great, we spun him around and around, at one point he said, 'I'm getting sick'...

[All Laugh]

John: And all the jokes about bosses here, this is what you do in a corporate show, is when you go, you find out like all the stuff, the name of the boss, and the one who's bad at golf, and you work it into the routine, and oh, man. It's filthy, filthy lucre.

Chris: Here's a beautiful shot I love here, too; there's a shot from behind of the box spinning I just love.

John: And, away.

Christine: The color palette’s great, for the entire show. Looks terrific. Really pops.

Peter: [Unintelligible] to our DP by the way, that was four cameras at once; we shot the whole thing in one day.

Christine: Wow. Dave Connell, superstar.

Dean: I love all these shots, I just love them. And he was great in these scenes. I mean, I totally buy him.

John: We just put him in the elevator. ‘Have a good time.’ Yeah like it's all sort of blue and orange down here, it's all sort of grey and pastels upstairs—

Peter: The crowd loved this gag.

John: Oh yeah.

Chris: And here we go.

John: [Mimics squeaking] It's just funny, I'm sorry, man. You put a CEO in a box... And the uh, did you use a real dove, or no, that was a fake dove all along?

Peter: It was fake. It was a little squeezy dove, that's really kinda cool.

John: There's actually a famous, uh, Penn and Teller famous story, they do magic exhibitions, where people demonstrate their tricks. And there's a youth category, where kids show that they have mastery of these classic tricks, there's one where you, like, show the dove in a cooking pan, and then close the pan and then light the fire and whip it away and there's like a cooked dove in its place? And as the kid did it, he screwed it up, so as soon as he lit the fire, like, a hundred magicians stood up at once and went 'THE DOVE!!' 'cause they all know how it works.

Dean: Oh noo.

John: And he's like the thing's on fire and he's beating it out with his tiny like, his twelve year old magician's coat... 'cause doves are expensive. I mean nevermind the cruelty, but yeah.

Christine: Aw... [Pause] These two need to have their own vaudeville act. I would watch a variety show that they hosted.

John: I like, again, just the constant choices that Beth is making at all times, just like- and she's kind of amused, and now she's bored with this. Ah, she's done, she wants to be breaking into things. Uh, excellent cheesy server room, nicely done.

Peter: It was the smallest room in the known world.

John: Ye—what's that?

Peter: It was the smallest room in the known world.

John: We like to build our sets really tiny.

Peter: It was basically a closet.

John: Yeah, and then this was again always our drive to the [unintelligible] complication.

Peter: Good bad guy, by the way.

Dean: Yeah, he really delivered.

Chris: This bad guy, he was really terrific, Kevin E. West is his name.

Dean: We actually met him through uh, Patrick Jakoni, who's our mixer, who mixes all the episodes of Leverage.

John: Did he have a—did he just bring the headshot in, or....

Dean: He was a friend and he just said "I really want you to meet this guy, he's a friend of mine, I really think he's a terrific actor." And I met him, and I thought he was great. You guys have met him, and—

Chris: Great kind of middle management evil.

John: The banality of evil. He gets a great evil speech of evil.

Chris: He does. Which is a late edition.

Dean: A little shout-out to Derek, who does all of our graphics on all the computers.

Peter: Unbelievable.

Dean: I mean, he does so much for us—

Peter: This is where he hit his head.

John: Yeah, see, no scar there, and then, uh, nothing but scarves afterwards.

Dean: I love this fight too.

John: This, I will—

Timestamp: 35:00

Dean: I love the closed quarter fights.

Christine: Absolutely.

John: I will fully admit, this is, um. I'm trying to remember....

Chris: Look at this. [All Laugh] There's the scene.

John: I'm trying to remember, there's a, it's not a Jackie Chan fight, it's a Jackie Chan produced movie, it's with three actresses, I think it's called So Beautiful, which has an elevator fight, that actually was the origin of this.

Peter: What I like is the 90 degree shutter in all these fights. It makes it feel, like...

John: It's very crisp.

Peter: Yeah. It makes it feel like, like you're missing a frame or something.

John: So what happened? Chris turned around, right, turned around and just smacked his head against the side of the cabin?

Chris: Well, I mean, we passed it, but there's a moment when he throws a punch, and it sort of—you can kinda see the edge, in the frame, and his head just continued into the edge of the box.

Peter: No, we had the— we didn't have the padded one in there. And he went against the hard one. Split it open huge too.

Chris: Seventeen stitches.

Scott: Wow.

John: Seventeen stitches, and then like a week later, pulled them out himself because he was sick of them.

Peter: I think it was actually right here.

Scott: Really?

Peter: I think it was this one. I think it was the last punch, if I remember correctly.

John: Never do the last punch.

Chris: Oh, might have been there, yeah.

John: Yeah, lotta elbows, lotta—I always loved a good fight—what, what is this? This is madness!

[All Laugh]

Christine: It's vaudeville!

John: What the hell was that?

Dean: Something like a Marx brothers movie.

John: I know!

Christine: It's delightful.

John: I'm really waiting for Zeppo to show up to that. I think Gina's Zeppo in this episode. And he's still in the box.

Peter: 'Hello? Hello?'

John: And then this, the getaway with the curtain trick.

Chris: Curtain trick, and this again was, you know, Apollo designed, because, you know, we had in the script, they disappeared in a cone curtain, and he, you know...

John: Well it's actually, it was uh, when I was seven, or something of that age, I saw Bill Bixby do that in The Magician, and it always stuck with me.

Christine: The greatest theme song in the world.

Chris: We watched a little bit of The Magician.

John: We watched a little bit of The Magician, and it has the greatest theme song of all time. If you can go YouTube the theme for The Magician, it's fantastic.

Christine: Our writers’ assistant had it queued up. Becky had it queued up and ready whenever we needed to play.

John: Ohhhh.

Chris: Ohh, gut punched into a chair, that's another kind of recurring theme of season two.

John: Well, it was our Rockford homage.

Christine: Ah yes, the gut punch.

John: Yeah, James Garner spent five years getting gut punched.

Chris: I think this is an iconic shot of this show, I do, it's a beautiful shot.

Peter: And this is Apollo's idea, I think, to put the rabbit back in, too.

Chris: Yes, it was, it was.

Christine: Fantastic visual.

Dean: And I love the way that Aldis plays this scene here, because I- the danger felt real. It didn't feel like, oh comedy villains' fake punch, he's really okay. You know when I watched it, I really felt like wow, we're in trouble.

John: Well Aldis is a very good actor. Yeah. This really also became the year where we kind of established the straight run fourth and fifth act.

Chris: Well this is very much a real time episode. I think three of the five acts were pretty much in real time.

Peter: I like that he talks about the uh, magician's union. You're gonna get a letter from them, I'm telling you.

Chris: And here is the evil speech of evil.

John: Just explaining that if people are stupid enough to eat frozen pot pies without heating them enough, they deserve salmonella.

Dean: That's not a rationale!

John: No!

Chris: That's what happens to people who don't follow instructions. Now I'm giving you instructions.

John: No, he's really selling this, he thinks he's gonna die here, or at least get seriously messed up. And the bad guy, uh, who played the Busey?

Chris: The bad guy was George Castillo.

John: Yeah he was good. He had a good physical menace. And the nice pass, there we go, if you're paying attention. And what I like is that Aldis made a choice there, like, as soon as he saw that—

Peter: Two different locations, by the way.

John: Oh yeah, you're not— that reverse isn’t anywhere near there?

Christine: Oh, nicely done.

Peter: It's like, thirty miles away.

Dean: Nice. Never knew that.

Chris: We coming up to— when we do this flash, about how we got the phone, is a, this right here is an absolutely beautiful shot coming up.

John: I like that he calls him magician too, as if— it's very, like [very dramatically] 'Magiciaan!'

Christine: I'm actually most proud of that line, by the way.

John: Yeah, exactly. It is. It's very Lord of the Rings.

Dean: And a terrific use of the ninja zoom.

John: Yeah, to reestablish that geography we talk about all the time. Um, yeah, and the poker chip, and the turn to the reveal, she’s gonna bump into him, but the thing I was going to say is, Aldis does a moment there where he sees the lift, he knows it’s going to be okay, and his expression changes.

Christine: His whole face relaxes.

Peter: She looks so hot there, too.

John: She does, she looks very good.

Christine: She's rocking the power pony. There's a lot of Parker's power ponytails this year.

John: Parker ponytails?

Christine: The power pony.

John: The power pony, is that what you're calling it?

Christine: That's what it's called.

John: By the way, if you google power pony that's not what you're gonna get.

Christine: Do not Google power pony.

John: [Laughing] Do not Google power pony.

Peter: Here's a flashback, this is a great shot.

Chris: Here it is, here's the shot.

Peter: This was— our operator nailed this.

John: It's coming.

Chris: It's a long explanation.

John: It is a long explanation.

Chris: Here it is, here it is. Oh, look at that. Perfect shot

Peter: Her look back is fabulous.

Timestamp: [40:00]

Chris: Perfect turn.

Christine: That is poetry. That's beautiful.

John: It also helps that Beth has good hands. You know, Apollo said that —

Chris: Well, he worked with her on this.

John: Yeah, he taught her how to lift.

Christine: She could be a thief if she wanted to.

John: And we'll see how season three goes, who knows where we'll wind up. Aww, thief of hearts, that's nice.

Christine: Isn't she?

John: And the whole idea of dumping, um, it was actually, the whole idea that phones now, you can just dump massive amounts of information on, was, I think Bruce Sterling had just done a thing about, um, the ubiquity... instead of cloud computing, but using the sort of—why go to cloud computing if your devices have more memory than the NASA moon landing?

Chris: And here, here's where we're—

John: And, ah, she's back!

Peter: 'I was in the box.'

[All Laugh]

Christine: 'I was in the bar!'

Peter: 'They put me in a box.'

Christine: He was in the box, she was in the bar, and now they're together again.

John: Seriously man, I had a fistful of scotch, and I must have been saying that for a week. 'They put me in a box'. I may drink during the day. And this, by the way, is an iconic shot for the show. That's a big one.

Christine: Aw, look at that. Look at those two.

John: It's tricky, when you find— our wardrobe has to be high style without ever going over the top, and that's what really— it's nice because that's what makes it visually interesting.

Christine: Look at these two together. Oh my god.

John: I know. They're great.

Dean: And this, again, was a real nice setup for where we ultimately go with the uh, the entire season.

John: That's right, because if you're listening to these commentaries in the—and we've split the season, it's— 209 is the last one. So you don't know what happens in the back end. Um. Dinosaurs.

Christine: They fight dinosaurs.

Dean: But this concept that he has replaced alcohol with control...

John: Right, this season is about addiction. Um, and people who cope with alcohol. Ahem.

Christine: Oh, this season is about addiction? [All Laugh] What? What show was I writing on last year?

Chris: Beautiful shot of her here, too, just really nice.

Peter: Hiding her pregnancy.

John: You know, she does a lot of work here when she's talking to—'cause it's interesting, this is a pairing we don't do a lot, and we wound up doing more this year. Um, is the idea that he is a little outside the team, and very hyper competent at what he does. And you can sort of see their relationship over the course of the first couple episodes arc where she feels comfortable confiding in him, in a way that was not there for season one.

Chris: And she's a little estranged from Nate, too.

Christine: I think because of that betrayal, first season, Sophie and Eliot have a special relationship in season two.

John: Yeah.

Dean: Well, Peter, thank you for being part of this episode, and being part of our show.

Peter: Loved it, enjoyed it immensely. I wanna live in Portland.

[All Laugh]

Christine: We do too.

John: And uh, Christina, Scott, nicely done.

Christine: Good job guys, everybody did a great job.

Dean: Stay tuned for the next episode of Leverage.

Peter: Single person clapping, single person clapping.

John: We're all clapping.

#Leverage #Leverage TNT #Leverage Audio Commentary Transcripts #Audio Commentary #Transcripts #Parker #Alec Hardison #Eliot Spencer #Nate Ford #Sophie Deveraux #Season 2 #Episode 6 #season 2 episode 6 #The Top Hat Job

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afterspark-podcast · 3 years

Text

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: Transcript

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Intro Music]

O: Welcome back to the madness of King Bay or the second live action Transformers movie, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

S: And our second anniversary episode!

O: [laughs] Yay?

S: I sounded way too perky for that.

O: [laughs] As with the first live-action film if you like Revenge of the Fallen then this may not be the episode for you. But we'll be back soon with G1 episode 41! So please join us then.

S: Mm, Revenge of the Fallen came out in 2009, still starring Shia LaBeouf and still directed by Michael Bay-

O: It is- [laughs] Yeah, I know, pity. Uh, it is frequently considered the worst of the live-action films which is concerning that both Age of Extinction and The Last Knight have even lower ratings on Rotten Tomatoes.

S: That takes some doing.

O: Right!?! [laughs]

S: Uh-huh. Technically, even Dark of the Moon has a lower audience score than this one, but a higher critic score. So, um... make of that what you will?

O: Basically, what we're saying is until Bumblebee came out the uh, series hit its peak with its first movie [laughs]

S: Mm-hm.

O: But! Let's get started today by talking about our initial experiences with this particular film.

S: I don't think I saw this in theaters, and I found it really unmemorable. Uh, aside from there being a few characters that stood out that I still enjoy, but they're very few and far between.

O: Okay, so if you remember in the last- the previous [Bayverse] episode? I didn't remember where I saw the first movie. I remember EXACTLY when I saw this movie because I watched it in theaters for a bachelorette party. Personally, I found the concept of watching a manly action film for a bachelorette party to be fucking hilarious, and I still do! But I really wish it had been for a better movie. I don't remember having much of an opinion on it when I watched it, but I also didn't watch the third movie in the series until literally the last couple of years when I was blazing through a fuck ton of Transformers media. So, I clearly didn't care enough to see the continuation in theaters or even rent or borrow it until well after had been released.

S: We begin, yet again, with narration from the one and only Peter Cullen!

O: According to our opening scene uh, you know, the last movie is not the first time that Earth had been visited by Cybertronians.

S: Ah, shocking! We are shown some craggy mountains populated by ancient humans with spears.

O: Said ancient humans come across a huge Cybertronian installation of some sort and a bunch of Cybertronians.

S: Mm-hmm. Ominous. And then there's a weirdly ancient Egyptian or alien-esque Cybertronian with a staff that's apparently in charge.

O: Several humans are squished, and presumably they're all destroyed before we move on to Shanghai, China in the modern day.

S: Oh, will this be relevant? Who knows!

O: Maybe! Maybe! Maybe.

S: We see the Autobots and the military guys from the last movie now working together to hunt down the remaining Decepticons.

O: The combined group is named N.E.S.T. Short for, “Non-biological Extraterrestrial Species Treaty.”

S: Oh, that's a mouthful.

O: It is, so hence ‘N.E.S.T.’

S: Yeah. There have been some additions to the Autobot roster.

O: Which for simplicity's sake we're going to talk about them now, because they don't really do a lot-

S: Yup.

O: -in the movie. And they do show up (kind of) in that last section but again, very few of them even have lines. I- I think aside from Optimus, the character with the most lines might actually be Ironhide?

S: Yeah. Um, Sideswipe, not a lot of his personality from G1 or any other iteration for that matter is carried over in this, unfortunately. Instead of being a Lamborghini he's apparently decided to channel Tracks and is instead a Corvette Stingray.

O: And yet, still no Sunstreaker to be found, much to my frustration.

S: Jolt, a new character who's not in the movie except at the very end and he has very few fleeting shots in between and has no lines despite his bio saying he's come to Earth to join Optimus’ group in the last two years since the first movie. He seems to use electric whips. [makes whip noises]

O: [laughs]

S: And ah, promptly dies in the Dark of the Moon prequel comic.

O: So he never really does get to do anything.

S: Yeah.

O: So then we have Arcee, Chromia and Elita One. They are referred to as the ‘Arcee Sisters,’ or if you want to get really confusing, the ‘Arcee Twins’!?

S: [laughs]

O: Even though there's three of them-- at some point.

S: Yeah.

O: Uh, but instead of, you know, their- them being referred to by individual names. Apparently, they were written as one entity and while it depends somewhat on what real- related media you're looking at, the three of them are commonly portrayed as a multi-component Transformer much like Reflector. They have very little personality, and they do very little in the movie. Their alt modes are all motorcycles. Arcee is pink or red, depending on the toy, Chromia is blue, and Elita One is purple. Their robot modes sort of resemble Thrust from Beast Machines as they have no legs and function like weird sentient unicycles.

S: Yep, and then there's Skids and Mudflap. Oh boy, where do we start with these two? Well, uh, first, there's definitely someone out there who could have given a better breakdown on this than two random white ladies. Uh, awkward… sorry.

O: Yeah, just in advance we are both white women, we do not know what we're talking about here from a personal perspective.

S: Yeah, so we're just going to sum it up with an extremely uh- in an extremely generalized way. There was a lot of backlash for these two characters due to them possessing a number of racist african-american stereotype- stereotypical traits that at worst point to the people involved being racist in their own regard, or at best, really not thinking through how this was going to come across to the audience. They've been referred to as comic relief in the same vein as Jar Jar Binks at several points. Which is I think a good comparison for our purposes, and unlike the other five characters we just rattled off, these two will feature somewhat prominently in the movie so we'll talk more about them as they pop up.

O: At least kind of in vague sentences because as we said, none of the characters really do very much in this movie.

S: Yeah…

O: Even the ones that are in there for the bulk of the movie, don't do very much in this movie.

S: Yeah.

O: And then our returning Autobots from the first movie are Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Ironhide, and Ratchet.

S: Mm-hm.

O: We see N.E.S.T. surround a construction vehicle that transforms into a huge ass robot mode and begins wrecking shit.

S: Yep. Things go boom and everything's extremely orange and blue regarding the lighting and environment. The second car Decepticon is spotted nearby and he tries to evade N.E.S.T. but is almost immediately bisected by Sideswipe.

O: We don't even really get to see his robot mode either- like, he sort of vaguely transformed I think, to like, crash through a building and then was- turned back into a car and was immediately killed by Sideswipe.

S: Yup. Optimus is fucking airdropped from a plane-

O: [laughs]

S: Uh, to take on the construction vehicle Decepticon.

O: I- I'm pretty sure they just really wanted that shot of a semi driving off a damn plane.

S: Yeah.

O: Which I mean, okay, fair, it's a cool shot but still. Uh, so then we see Optimus transform midair deploying some parachutes that have the Autobot logo on them... for some reason.

S: Is branding that important to the Autobots or their allies? Plus, uh, someone's gonna need to go collect those later.

O: I wanna know why he landed in the middle of a highway- in robot mode!

S: No one here seems to think critically about any of this stuff when they're effectively undercover.

O: Apparently not.

S: I mean how many people with cell phones are taking photos and video of this? TONS!

O: Tons! That becomes somewhat relevant later.

S: Even though people are still being evacuated.

O: Well, yeah- it said people were being evacuated but then to all these- all these shots that happen here, you still see a bunch of cars on the road.

S: Yeah.

O: While this is all happening.

S: And people still in their homes.

O: Yeah!

S: Optimus catches the rogue Decepticon who tells him menacingly, “The Fallen shall rise again!”

O: Hey, if it gets me out of this movie faster I for one welcome our Fallen overlord.

S: Unfortunately, we've got like, another two hours to go.

O: [sighs] Fuck.

S: And now in a completely different movie! Sam is getting ready to leave for college.

O: His parents are having very different reactions. His dad can't seem to wait for him to leave, while his mom is tearing up at every little thing that reminds her of Sam. Apparently, his dad's got plans for his room, and I'm thinking, “Man cave- how creative.”

S: Ah, he wants his personal theater system, I guess. After being hugged by his sobbing mother, Sam comments that, “You see this Dad? This is how you're supposed to react when the fruit of your loins goes into- out of the cruel world to fend for himself.” Okay, god that is such a cringe line.

O: I don't want to think about the fruit of that man's loins. I don't want to think about that man's loins at all, okay!?

S: Neither do I, that's why it's so cringy.

O: Yeah- yeah, thanks- thanks for that Sam.

S: [sighs] We are treated to an awkward moment when Sam's dad spanks his mom on the butt as she walks away. Sam is disgusted- I guess he is our audience surrogate in this moment.

O: His dad then tries to play it off as, “It's like a coach,” and NO that does not make it better! [laughs]

S: That actively makes it worse! Sexual harassment is not okay. Sam is apparently the first Witwicky to go to college.

O: I have questions. Again, what the fuck does Sam's dad do that allows them to have this huge house that didn't require a college degree at any point!? Who knows! Uh, the Witwicky’s have apparently got another dog since the last movie, uh, so just another thing to add to this movie-- dog humping.

S: Lots of dog humping, in their dog condo. It's kind of unsettling.

O: I don't know why they thought that this needed to be in the movie, but here we are.

S: Mikaela calls Sam, intending to break up with him- she is the most emotionally mature person in this movie.

O: Yep, pretty much! They talk, uh, Sam insinuates that they're going to be entering a long-distance relationship while he's at college.

S: While they're talking, Sam pulls out an old ripped t-shirt. His D-Day shirt as he refers to it. Which is apparently, the shirt that he was wearing during the battle in Central City from the first movie.

O: This is important! This is a plot point!

S: Yeah, we also have to assume that he has never washed the nasty shredded clothes from that day. Because, I suppose, he wants to hold them and relive the memories of being chased by giant alien robots that wanted to murder him.

O: [laughs] No clue. Uh, Sam does try to convince Mikaela to move near the college he's going to, but she refuses.

S: Her father's been released from jail since the first movie, and she insists on needing to take care of him. That should not be poor Mikaela's responsibility, but she is the most responsible person in this movie as I said.

O: Well, and I get it, right? Like, her dad just got out, presumably she has not seen- really been able to live with him for years. She's both worried about him, and probably wants to spend time with him.

S: Yeah, that's fair. Convenient plot device is convenient, as a sliver of the AllSpark falls off of Sam's shirt while he's on the phone to Mikaela.

O: It seems to zap Sam and then he drops it.

S: When it lands on the floor it burns its way through the floor and into the kitchen bringing a bunch of kitchen appliances to life.

O: They all attack Sam.

S: How did they get ammo? Does just being brought to life just give them ammo?

O: Uh, dear god, why does one of these things have a penis? That's my question. Furthermore, why is it shooting things OUT OF ITS PENIS!?!

S: Because... Michael Bay.

O: I had- yeah, that's all I got, man.

S: Bumblebee bursts out of the garage and begins shooting at the little Decepticons, saving Sam's sorry ass yet again.

O: Maybe Bee should be trying to smash them instead of shooting at them? They're on the front lawn at this point so all I can think is- their neighbors have to be able to see this!

S: I thought this was in the back lawn, but I'm not sure.

O: I- they're outside, he's no longer in the kitchen. He's trying to shoot Decepticons outside the house, it probably is the backyard, but I don't know. Sam yells at Bee to get in the garage.

S: Way to micromanage your giant robot bodyguard slash friend. [sighs] Again, it's like- you'd yell at a dog or something.

O: [laughs] Bad Bumblebee, bad! Of course, Bee smashed out of the garage, uh, despite having a perfectly good door in front of him and then re-enters through the hole he had previously made.

S: Sam's mother is not happy about the surprise kitchen renovations, but Sam's dad calms her down by telling her that the government will pay for it all.

O: I'm so glad to know that this is where my taxes would be going to in this universe.

S: Well, it's definitely worse than some of the other things that it could be going for.

O: [sighs] I suppose that's true.

S: Sam's mom is like fine, but I want to pool and a hot tub! And I quote, “And I'm going to skinny dip, and you can't say shit about it!”

O: And quite frankly that woman's put up with a lot of stuff, I- I respect- you know as long as she's got a good fence- her right to skinny dip in her own yard. [laughs]

S: Yeah, they need that privacy fence. Sam goes into the garage to tell the audience, I mean uh, Bee, uh, how Bee can't come to college with him.

O: For reference, ignore the bit in the last movie where Bee talked because that's just gonna be ignored for like, three freaking movies.

S: Yeah. To calm Bee down he says, “You'll always be my first car!”

O: Not even, you're my best friend- you're my first car.

S: “Congratulations Bumblebee, you're my possession!”

O: Pretty much!

S: Oh, that's creepy. Sam gives the AllSpark shard to Mikaela for some reason, because Mikaela shows up at the end of all of this.

O: Right, you know like, everything has exploded, Mikaela's out there looking lovely with a bouquet of flowers.

S: Yep, instead of calling the Autobots or giving it to Bumblebee, nope it is given to Mikaela for safe keeping. Well, I mean she is the most sensible person out of the civilians?

O: Everyone here? Yeah, it's not that it- can't make it that- it's not that I don't think Mikaela can keep it safe. She manages to do so quite swimmingly through this movie, but it's rather… not that she can use it at all, and it could potentially be dangerous for her to have it on her person!

S: Yeah.

O: And Bee is right there! It's not like he couldn't give it to Bee and tell Bee to take it to the Autobots.

S: Yeah, like, that would be, uh, a lot more sensible. Though if they'd done that it might have been put in with the other... another thing that happens later in the movie.

O: [laughs] True.

S: Anyway, they smooch, words are said, and a somewhat sappy 2000 era love song plays.

O: Meanwhile, no one seems to notice the toy remote control truck that's being controlled by no one.

S: A remote controlled truck that is somehow communicating with outer space, and somehow this character will be vaguely important

O: Shush! My boy is here!

B: [laugh]

S: Ah, Soundwave shows up and takes over a surveillance satellite.

O: I'm sure I've mentioned this before at some point because I know I've said this multiple times, at least to Specs, but yes, I actually like the Bay version of Soundwave. He's not in the movie much, but having him take over a satellite and spend the rest of the movie gathering intelligence and sending troops out? *chef’s kiss* Feels very in character, keep going baby. His design is still garbage... just like everybody else though.

S: And his voice sounds very nice.

O: That's because it's actually Welker! He's allowed to be in this movie, doing a sizeable chunk of the speaking Decepticons even! This is not a G1 similarity I necessarily expected, but I do find it hilarious. Apparently, he also did the voice for Soundwave in a bunch of other language dubs too, which while interesting... I have to question why? It's not like Soundwave's voice would have necessarily sounded the same in those other languages in the original G1 dub. It just sounds like an odd decision?

S: Money.

O: Money. I- kudos to him for attempting it at least? But I still don't know why they did it.

S: Back at the N.E.S.T. headquarters, we see Mudflap and Skids uh, shenanigans, and they're unloading dozens of bodies! Presumably, soldiers that died in Shanghai, uh- that's, uh, welcome to the morbid stuff that they don't spend any time on it at all.

O: Uh, why Sideswipe silver? You had one job movie, one job. Sideswipe is a little red sports car this is like, his defining characteristic- surely this was doable!

S: I don't think anyone involved in making the movie was a very big fan of G1 or wanted to maintain, you know, artistic integrity with regards to that.

O: [sighs] Yeah, I know, what am I saying? I think the actual reason is I've heard red is harder to film?

S: Oh, that might be right.

O: Like- but- [sighs] I don't- it could be, because I want to say- I'm sorry if I'm incorrect- I want to say that's actually the reason Optimus’ color scheme got changed around quite a bit?

S: Mm.

O: And why he's got more blue on him.

[According to TFWiki: “When Optimus's design was first revealed, many fans of the Generation 1 series objected to the flames seen on Prime's body. When asked in an interview why he put the flames on, Michael Bay claimed he liked them because it was "cool". It was later revealed on a special featurette on the DVD that the flames were added because, apparently, red is not very good to film on camera, so Bay chose a blue truck but used the flames so that when Optimus transformed, the layout would result in maintaining his iconic red chest.”]

S: So, a jumped up government official shows up at N.E.S.T. headquarters.

O: And I think we all know where this is going. Uh, this will be our bureaucratic bastard for this evening.

S: Yeah, you know, the wimpy suit who keeps getting in the way of the ARMY men and their REAL job- AMERICA!

B: [laughs]

S: Sorry, um, and here we have a lovely shot of Optimus transforming. It's like some nice rotating thing.

O: Okay, get the robot transformation porn out of the way, next!

S: [sighs] And the bureaucratic weasel confronts Optimus on why haven't the Decepticons left the planet now that the AllSpark is destroyed, like they thought they would?

O: Optimus seems to take the opinion that Daddy Prime knows best. Weasel's not super happy about this, but Optimus does say the Autobots will leave Earth if asked. Neither of these groups are handling this super amazingly. (Yes, even Optimus.) Both sides have a point, if they'd stop trying to wave their metaphorical DICKS around and actually talk from a position of respecting each other's expertise, I'm betting this would go a whole lot better.

S: Probably. The N.E.S.T. members back Optimus up. Our only returning characters here are Lennox and Epps, both played by the same actors from last time.

O: Though I did not realize this at first. I totally thought Epps was played by somebody completely different, and I'm gonna blame the writing because Epps is not given a lot of things to do here.

S: He was a very memorable character in the first movie.

O: Yeah.

S: Yeah, and uh, anyway back to college! College away!

O: Sam's apparently going to Princeton, on the government's dime no less!

S: Oh god, he does absolutely nothing with it in later films. Again, we're assuming due to the filming locations that Sam lives in Southern California or thereabouts so we're a bit surprised to realize he actually decided to go to college on the other side of the country.

O: It certainly doesn't come across like Mikaela is a priority in his life.

S: Yeah. I mean seriously, he could have gone to school in California there's plenty of good schools in California.

O: Yup! But uh, are you ready for some booze and boobs?

S: [sighs] We're introduced to Sam's roommates.

O: The only one that will actually play much of a role in the plot will be our buddy, Leo here.

S: I hope you're being sarcastic.

O: I mean- I mostly mean that he's there.

S: Well, no, I meant with the buddy bit.

O: [speaking while laughing] Uh, yes, that was sarcasm.

S: Yeah. Uh, Leo runs a conspiracy theory website called The Real Effing Deal which is currently scrambling to get a- footage of the fight from Shanghai. Uh, from earlier in the movie up on their site.

O: Which again, is ABUNDANT! Because Optimus landed in the middle of a highway.

S: Yup.

O: Anyway, they're trying to do this until another person, Robo-Warrior, one ups them and gets the footage up, I think on a different site, first.

S: Yeah. Sam does his best to play cool and blow Leo and his friends off because it's all, “Fake.” [laughs]

O: Also, I'd like to take- take a moment to note the era accurate Naruto poster decor among the sea of boobs.

S: Yeah. Leo makes a comment that he and Sam are poor.

O: Alright! Sit down and buckle up because this legitimately pissed me the fuck off. So to rant for a moment, let's go back down the checklist of Sam's white fucking privilege, shall we? He lives in a big house in a nice neighborhood. In what we are assuming is Southern California, which is not a cheap place to live. His parents have enough time for leisure activities and in fact, go on vacation in Paris after dropping Sam off.

S: Yup.

O: His dad bought him a car in the last movie and yes, he was very much implied to be being a cheap ass at the time, but at no point is there any indication he couldn't have bought Sam a nicer car.

S: And the car that he's driving when he like, jerks him around on what type of car he's going to get him, it looks like it's a fancy expensive car so...

O: That's also true! Speaking as someone who grew up in a lower income rural area, and I say this not even remotely being the worst off in that area. Our floors were rotting out, every time we had a heavy rain we had to run to the windows with towels because so many of them leaked, and more applicable in this situation- my family did not have the money to save up for college for me, or any of my siblings. Yes, I realize the government is apparently paying for his tuition, but that just proves my point even more, because Sam's gonna come out of this with no student loan debt!

S: Yup!

O: So poor my fucking ass!

S: Uh-huh. Sam's mom shows up in his dorm room high is a goddamn kite because she apparently bought and ate some brownies from the bake sale not realizing that they were weed brownies.

O: And she's just gonna be a punchline for the next several scenes, sorry.

S: Yeah. To just list a few of the things that his high as a kite mother does: She talks about him losing his virginity loudly, and kind of at length to various women in the hallway. [nervous laugh] And in the surrounding environs, mentioning that his car is a talking robot, tackles a dude for some frisbees, and petitions Sam's dad for sex on the campus green. Considering how much she ate it's very likely she will need to go to the hospital because her knees may attempt to kill her.

O: Uh, then we cut the Soundwave, apropos of nothing, uh, ejecting Ravage into space. Look, I get him for 10 seconds I'm going to fucking enjoy it.

S: Ravage’s design here is very prominent with the pointy bits and teeth.

O: Rawr. [laughs]

S: And he lands near a US military base and runs over to a pipe sticking out of the ground and basically- uh, ralphs up a bunch of itty-bitty bots?

O: Into the pipe. Uh, you know. So I’m just saying uh, Soundwave’s baby had babies, this clearly makes Soundwave a grandad.

B: [laugh]

S: All the bots fall down the pipe and once they're at the other end meld together to form a new bot that is...gah.

O: He's interesting! At least, visually, in that he is basically flat, so he can be borderline invisible when he's looking head-on at something.

S: He looks like a knife raptor.

O: Uh, this thing's name is Reedman and he doesn't show up except in this one scene. Uh, he also brings our ‘Decepticons voiced by Frank Welker’ count up to three after Soundwave and Ravage.

S: Reedman?

O: Reedman, yeah! I looked at the wiki!

S: [laughs]

O: I looked at the wiki, and I was like, “That's a terrible name!” but that's the name!

S: I am judging whoever named that character, so hard.

O: [laughs] Aren't we just judging the entire movie?

S: Oh yes, but…Reedman?

O: Fuck if I know, man.

S: Another piece (aside from Sam's piece) of the AllSpark is being held here so, uh, Reedman gets to work stealing it.

O: Alarms begin to go off and several military guys arrive at the bunker and shoot at our knife raptor.

S: Ravage begins firing at the base to distract them.

O: I'm very amused he's got his tiny little hip missiles too!

S: Meanwhile, back at the plot we're all absolutely dying to continue- cough, cough, no, cough.

O: [laughs]

S: Sam's been dragged to a college frat party by his roommates?

O: It looks like a frat party. I don't even know why they want to bring Sam uh, they don't even seem to like him.

S: Eh, they want to have someone less cool with them so that basically they can be like, “Hey, look at that lame guy, we're much cooler.”

O: Well, Sam is definitely the least cool person in the area right now due to mommy shenanigans.

S: Yeah, while at the party Sam is missing his first video call with Mikaela. God, you are such a sucky long distance boyfriend, Sam!

O: Right!? You had one job! So we see Mikaela getting ready, taking her hair down and talking to her doggo while getting her computer set up.

S: Sam's- uh, promptly begins to spazz out by the uh, snack table and draws strange symbols with food.

O: These symbols are Cybertronian and the AllSpark fragment has helpfully downloaded a bunch of stuff directly into Sam's brain.

S: [sighs] We've upgraded from they want the glasses to they're going to want the brain, aren't they?

O: Something along those lines, yes! Quite frankly, again, I think they can have it. [laughs]

S: One partygoer notices Sam's new hobby and saunters over to seduce herself to him.

O: [laughs] Uh, blondie's name is Alice, and don't worry we'll get to see her panties later because what the absolute fucking fuck Bay!?!

S: [sighs] Bay, why- why'd you hurt me so? [sighs] There's a discussion about girlfriends and Sam says, “kind of,” in regards to having one.

O: Kind of? KIND OF!?! Sam, you dick waffle!

S: [sighs] The quintessential jock yells, “Who drove the freaking yellow Camaro!?”

O: Sam’s Bee senses tingle, and he leaves the party.

S: Bee is waiting outside on the lawn, or possibly the bushes but…

O: In that general vicinity! [laughs]

S: Yeah, but Alice follows him down and hops into Bee's passenger seat.

O: Bee attempts to communicate to Sam that this woman is ~baaaad news~ using various voice clips and songs. And this would have been a really interesting bit if Bee did have his voice back and he had to communicate with Sam like this because he's doing it in front of Alice!

S: Yeah, like, that would have been interesting and a neat way of utilizing his past experience to communicate.

O: Yeah, because I- I don't know remember if we've talked about this super much but there- there's nothing wrong with Bee still relying a bit on that because it is kind of funny and entertaining to see. It's- just make it so he has to use it in scenarios with other people around?

S: Yeah, god, he could do so much with musical lyrics.

O: Pretty much!

S: Alice seems to know something is up, as Bee makes her as uncomfortable as physically possible as he can, including spraying her with a icky yellow liquid and slamming her into the dashboard.

O: She exits in a huff before Bumblebee takes Sam to a graveyard where the rest of the Autobots are waiting.

S: So that was night. Now we are inexplicably in the daytime, I think?

O: Morning. Early morning it looks like.

S: Yeah. Optimus tells Sam the last piece (or as much as he is aware) of the AllSpark was stolen and attempts to convince Sam to remind the other humans why the Autobots are necessary and why they're trying to use a college student for this is a big question.

O: I don't know- and Sam says no, because he's just a normal college student. I don't understand this, I feel like I would jump at a chance like this? Like, dude, does it have good health insurance? Does it have a pension? Yes? Sign me the fuck up! But I want to ask, why the heck didn't Sam tell the Autobots here about the fragment he gave to Mikaela!?

S: Because he's a shitty little baby- I mean, obviously.

O: Oh, [unintelligible]. Then out in the middle of the ocean in a different movie… Over the Laurentian Abyss, which is where the dead Cons were dumped in the last movie. Several Decepticons have stowed away on what looks like a cargo ship.

S: The fact that it's going directly over where they need to go is uh... they probably hacked it.

O: Wouldn't shock me.

S: Yeah, so who the Decepticons are is absolutely unimportant. The only recognizable one is Ravage.

O: And I think only one other one will actually get named.

S: Yeah.

O: Uh, so they all jump off the ship and into the water, and I have to you know, bring up- they specifically said they dumped the dead bodies into this trench because of the pressure and cold in the last movie. So, why are all these Cons just perfectly fine with a little skinny dipping?

S: I mean, maybe it's just supposed to keep- I don't know, whatever self-repair systems the dead ones have from working and it doesn't do shit to like, perfectly fine robots? I don’t know.

O: They were using cold as a weapon against them in one though. Like, against Bee.

S: That's absolutely true, but I mean, if cold didn't [did] do anything to them how would they operate in space?

O: I don't know, but they clearly had Megatron on ice.

S: Who knows... yeah.

O: And he got frozen in the Arctic!

S: Yeah, I know, the entire thing is garbage. It may be- maybe water- maybe frozen water is their kryptonite? God. [laughs]

O: Welcome to Earth! [laughs]

S: Why didn't they dismember the Decepticons, or incinerate them? Or you know, take important parts, crush them, destroy them or whatever. Like, throw them in 100 different places- that would work a lot better than this! Run them through a trash compactor or something, before they dump them down into the Laurentian tre- Abyss.

O: I’ll tell you exactly why. Uh, because the government put out a bid for trash removal and the lowest bidder won.

S: The government does stupid things, many times. [sighs] We see a military sub monitoring this area, reading the five Cybertronian life signs.

O: They reach Megatron and a little doctor bot (whose name is Scalpel), starts uh, poking around at his corpse.

S: [sighs] He shouts about his need for parts, and one of the nameless Constructicons is offed. The parts and the AllSpark fragment are all shoved into Megatron.

O: So Megatron's back.

S: Yup.

O: And yet, still voiced by Hugo Weaving so I don't care. No offense, Hugo Weaving. Uh, get back to me in two movies. Also notice they didn't kill Ravage here, because I'm entirely convinced Soundwave would end them.

S: Probably, because I mean, they did like- the little doctor boss specified, “Kill the little one!”

O: It- to- pointing to a random Constructicon.

S: Yeah. Fun bout of bad continuity, the radar shows the five life signs, as Ravage and Scalpel are both too small to show up, and then uh, when they come up they have six life signs but uh, you'll remember they had to kill a Constructicon down there. So uh, it should be this same number, even with Megatron in tow. Or maybe they brought the other Con- Decepticons back to life, I don't know?

O: I don't think so, we never see them. They could have brought Blackout back to life, but we'll get into why they didn't later.

S: I mean maybe they brought uh, shoot- Scorponok?

O: No, Scorponok never died in the first movie.

S: Oh… well… yeah.

O: He just- they got his tail like-

S: Oh, that’s right.

O: The- the army guys cut off his tail but then he disappeared.

S: Oh, that's right. Mm.

O: Megatron's apparently salty enough at humans though, in general, to smash through this- the military sub on his way up, so all those people are dead now.

S: He'd do that even if he wasn't feeling salty, you know that.

O: Oh yeah, he's a bastard, but you know.

S: Uh, Megatron flies to one of Saturn's moons where the Nemesis is being uh, well, it's parked and is used as a base by some of the remaining Decepticons, which includes our old buddy Starscream. And he knocks Starscream around for taking over the Decepticons while he was ‘away’.

O: You know, while he was literally fucking dead. [laughs]

S: And so we are introduced to the Darth Sidious to Megatron's Darth Maul.

O: Including liberal use of the word ‘disciple’!

S: [sighs] So much sighing. This is the Fallen whose name we will not find out in the movie itself because it would be really fucking confusing to have Megatron, and his master, Megatronus, running around.

O: Also, um, a bunch of little baby robots in pods? On the wall.

S: Robot eggs. So many robot eggs.

O: But no really, I'm not sure we can explain that any better than we just did- so just roll with it.

S: Yeah. Anyway, the Fallen isn't shown to have an alt mode in this, but once you see him you do realize he was the Transformer that was shown at the very beginning of the movie while Optimus was monologuing.

O: And as kind of mentioned previously, he looks vaguely like the queen from Alien, but you know, with eyes and a huge staff he fights with.

S: And less arms and no tail.

O: Yeah. Apparently though, only a Prime can kill the Fallen. Don't ask us how the fuck that works!

S: I guess only a Prime can kill a Prime? Because wasn't the Fallen a Prime?

O: Yes, he was considered a Prime but I don't- I still don't know how the mechanics of that work is what I'm getting at.

S: Is it just a weird cultural hangup?

O: I- I don't know! That's what I'm saying, it's never explained!

S: I know, I know. This will get weird in a bit.

O: [laughs]

S: It will! [sighs]

O: But they're like, “So if we remove that one pesky remaining Prime we’ll be off scot-free!” [laughs]

S: Yep. The Fallen explains that the AllSpark cannot be destroyed it can merely be transformed.

O: Everything transforms on Cybertron, but right now the AllSpark is currently living rent free in Sam's head.

S: And I think he wants some goddamn rent, but I think we all want some goddamn rent for having this living rent free in our heads.

O: [laughs] Right!?! Bay, you should pay us for watching this movie!

S: [sighs] So, the Decepticons are going to go after Sam (again), kill Optimus, or at least make another attempt at it (again), and presumably somehow use Sam's brain as they AllSpark.

O: But then Starscream walks in holding a dead robot baby, waving it around and saying they need more Energon or all the hatchlings will continue to die.

S: Well, someone apparently… uh.

O: I just don't know why this is here. I'm sorry, I don't- I don't know why they felt the need to have Starscream motioning while holding a dead baby!

S: [laughs] Being a very bad nurse maid-

O: Yes! But now it's time to go back to school.

S: I already want to hit someone in this class well, multiple someones. Sam is setting it in on his physics class.

O: With the absolute creepiest, filthiest, fucking professor I have seen in a good long while.

S: Ah, innuendos, a god complex, this man is so many sexual harassment lawsuits, and a restraining order waiting to happen.

O: This is not appealing! Who the fuck does this appeal to?

S: I don't know but I'm ace, so I'm possibly not the best person to ask.

O: Is this a straight woman thing!? Where the hell are we gonna find one of those this time of night?

B: [laugh]

S: Sam starts freaking out like he was uh, doing at the party, writing equations, and stuff all over the board. He basically gets up, and bowls his way into- up to the front of the class and basically shows up the shitty professor.

O: Uh, Bulkhead did this in Prime, I'd like to personally nominate Bulkhead as our main character instead of Sam.

S: Oh yeah, Bulkhead would be a much more fun character. Sam is promptly kicked out of the class uh, because showing up the professor and also the fact that the dean is apparently there. So he's been- that professor has been like this while the dean is there.

O: Yes, so, uh, obviously he's sleeping with the old lady too, is what I'm getting from this.

S: That's creepy, it's even worse! I mean, this is a female dean.

O: Yeah, female dean not just a random like, male dean, I mean an older female dean!

S: [sighs] Oh god. Sam calls Mikaela mid freak out, and realizes that the AllSpark has caused his little problem.

O: Uh, so he asks her to bring the AllSpark fragment to him on the East Coast. Uh, by the way I would just like to take a moment to tell you this very important information, Mikaela's dog's name is Bones.

S: Uh, the little remote controlled truck Decepticon, who we regret to inform you is this universe's version of Wheelie, uhh, is stalking around the garage where Mikaela is.

O: Wheelie, uh, clearly hasn't gotten the memo on you know, Mikaela taking out a Decepticon with a power tool in the first movie, decides to be a dumbass and say, “You're hot, but you're not too bright,” as he attempts to steal the AllSpark fragment.

S: The fact that Wheelie has some sort of metric for human um, attractiveness is honestly, really concerning.

O: Just a little bit.

S: [sighs]

O: Uh, predictably though, Mikaela fucks him up with a welding torch, including taking out one of his optics.

S: Wheelie begs for mercy from the Warrior Goddess.

O: At last Mikaela is given a proper title.

S: Uh-huh, and then Mikaela shoves him in a box and hops on a plane.

O: Metal box, I feel like it's important it does actually hold him.

S: Yeah, a metal box, and hops on a plane with him and the AllSpark. And honestly this feels like something that she couldn't successfully do after 9/11.

O: Which is hilarious, because this was definitely filmed after 9/11. So we just have to go with she's so sexy that she was able to get the big metal box on the plane without having to go through an x-ray.

S: Except that everything that goes on the plane when you check it should go through x-ray…

O: I know, I know!

S: Or-

O: Boobs! The power of boobs!

S: Never mind that the power of boobs should not, you know, somehow affect the people that do not get exposed to the boobs.

O: See- see this is why uh, this movie would have been stopped in its tracks if one of the TSA agents had been a woman- a straight woman.

S: Or one of the people who sorts stuff or- because like, just imag-

O: It looked like it was her carry-on.

S: Now I'm just imagining that the people, because like you know how they sometimes go and randomly open bags to go through the contents? [laugh] I'm just imagining someone doing that and then there being a major freak out because out comes a stupid remote controlled car that’s yelling at everyone.

O: [laughs] Yeah… yeah.

S: Uh, then we cut to a short segment showing that all the Autobots are heading to locations on the East Coast as the rest of N.E.S.T. mobilizes.

O: But wait! Decepticon pretenders are afoot at Princeton!

S: That's not ominous at all. Sam is in his room going nuts and writing stuff on the wall.

O: Uh, and then Alice pushes her way into Sam's room and attempts a rather forceful seduction.

S: She straight up picks him up and tosses him on the bed.

O: Which really should have been his first clue that something was very wrong!

S: Yeah, because Alice is not uh, portrayed as a…

O: A big woman.

S: Yes.

O: She's very slight and conventionally attractive.

S: Yeah, so she gets on top of him, and then we get the most awkward shot of Decepticon panties as the metal tail comes out from underneath Alice's extremely short dress.

O: Thanks for that Michael Bay. I always, always wondered what brand of underpants Decepticons were wear, given the chance.

S: [sighs] She kisses Sam, apparently with tongue, and Mikaela walks in and is understandably pissed.

O: Alice asks if she's his girlfriend and Mikaela just says, “Ex,” and walks out, and I'm just like, “Yes, girl DRAG him!”

S: And meanwhile, Leo is sort of fluttering around in the background.

O: Yes, uh, because Alice pushed past him to get into their dorm room.

S: Sam attempts to follow, but Alice is 99% done with his dumb ass.

O: Uh, she attempts to strangle him with her suddenly very long and metal tongue.

S: Ah, that has apparently been places I do not want to think about.

O: I do not want to think about any of this, yeah.

S: Yeah. Sam is able to escape, and we see Alice transform into a very obvious robot.

O: Sam, Mikaela, and Leo run into a nearby library where Sam and Mikaela begin having a whisper argument.

S: They're busy whisper shouting this entire time. Alice catches up and smashes through the library, still chasing them.

O: I'm surprised this thing still has hair in robot mode.

S: Hair? I mean its still got boobs!

O: Bay, what the fuck!?

B: [laugh]

O: So they hop in the car, Mikaela saves both their butts by hot wiring it, and slamming Alice into a lamp post before running her over again with the car.

S: Where was Bumblebee during all of this?

O: Uh, he was actually with the Autobots a few- the other Autobots a few scenes back, so he's definitely not here.

S: Yeah unfortunately Sam and company don't get very far and are captured by Grindor who picks them up like, so you know those uh, claw machines-

O: [laughs]

S: At grocery stores? Grindor basically does that and then he carries them off, like- they’re his claw machine loot. Nearly losing one in the process.

O: I mean, truely, they kind of are. So, uh, you- to- get- you know how I just mentioned that they definitely couldn't have brought Blackout back to life? That is because Grindor looks exactly like Blackout, but he's not Blackout. Because Blackout died at the end of the last movie, and we totally thought he was Blackout and he's even listed as Blackout on some of the toys and a good chunk of promotional material, but- but he's a different character. I don't know why they did this.

S: I don't know they wanted to keep the trademark in use, maybe?

O: [groans]

S: For the Grindor name, because they used it- I think, in anime- Armada. I think they used it in Armada, so this was probably just blatant patent-

O: It was bad though. [laughs]

S: Oh yeah, I know. Or um, trade- name trademarks? I don't know.

O: But he makes a Decepticon number four voiced by Welker.

S: Mm-hm. So, the car is dropped into some kind of warehouse where Sam is confronted by the now very alive Megatron.

O: Who's definitely holding a grudge against Sam for the whole ‘killing him in the last movie’ thing.

S: Yep, Sam is laid out on a concrete slab and Scalpel gets to work. Starting with shoving a metal squid down Sam's throat, uhh…

O: No, no, no! No, no, no, no, NOPITY, nope, nope, nope nope!

S: Yeah, this is uh, pretty gross and I don't like it and I don't think anyone else likes it either. A metal squid uh, exits his mouth and projects images of what's in Sam's brain. [groans]

O: But! This is apparently not all the information in his brain, as Scalpel definitely intends to remove it from his head.

S: Sam is saved just in time by the Autobots.

O: I want to know how Megatron even got into this warehouse. There's not any like, big holes that we can see or anything, aside from the one Grindor- when Grindor dropped the car through.

S: Yeah, there really don't seem to be any openings big enough for him that we can see.

O: Okay, just going to assume mass shifting in this continuity for no good reason, okay.

S: Either that or he did the stupid ‘I'm a contortionist’ through the door, which seems way more respect for the -

O: [laughs] Robot limbo!

S: That seems to be way more uh, respect for the integrity of this building than Megatron should feel.

O: Yes!

S: Ah, so, um, Leo and Mikaela escape in Bee while Optimus takes Sam.

O: So they're separated, and Optimus has to fight Megatron alone. And Megatron turns into a tank for a split second! I didn't even realize this version of him could BE a tank!

S: Yeah, he's a multiformer?

O: Apparently!

[In the background crowd noises are heard as the hosts begin speaking like sports announcers.]

O: But now, it's the match of the century here at the Forest Fighting arenaaaa!

S: It's Megatron versus Optimus tonight, folks!

O: The Warlord himself versus Optimus Fucking Prime! [laughs]

[A wrestling bell rings in the background to signify the start of the match.]

S: Optimus gets a good right hook in.

O: Right before being tackled by Megatron!

S: Is that legal?

O: Hell if I know! It's giant robots, it's all the same amount of legal!

S: Oh! He's got the tree!

[The crowd increases in volume.]

S: Optimus has got the tree!

O: What a hit, you know that one must have hurt!

S: And now it's a sword fight? They both are up and swinging away!

O: It just turned into a three-on-one match, folks!

[The crowd begins booing.]

S: Oh no- no, Optimus- Starscream and Grindor have joined the fray!

O: Wait, somehow a human's gotten into the arena.

S: Starscream and Megatron are chasing him down.

[The crowd increases in volume]

O: But Optimus has intercepted them and has taken them both on!

S: Starscream has been tossed out of the arena- out of bounds, out of bounds!

O: Optimus has gone through a tree!

S: Now the Cons are all just taking turns hitting him. You hate to see it folks, you hate to see it!

O: Optimus is eatin’ dirt!

S: But he's back and now dual wielding blades!

O: Grindor’s lost an arm!

S: Megatron’s taken a good one to the kneecap.

O: And hit to the face!

S: That's it! That's it for Grindor! Hook, line and sinker!

[The crowd roars.]

O: Oh, he must have a splittin’ headache!

S: Or at least he would if he still had a head.

O: But Optimus is distracted before taking the blade to the chest!

[A wrestling bell sounds to signify the end of the match.]

O: That's it! It's all over! Optimus is down, I repeat- Optimus is down! Megatron's the winner!

[Applause and the crowd noise fades out]

O: No really, Optimus is dead now, because Bay wants to make us feel things.

S: Except very badly, and unfortunately, this Optimus didn’t back up his brain on a floppy disk. And I mean there is no pathos here!

O: Of course somehow during all of this no one ends our suffering by squishing Sam accidentally or otherwise.

S: [sighs]

O: [laughs]

S: The rest of the Autobots drive up just in time to see Optimus body.

O: Where the fuck were they!?!

S: Being useless.

O: Yeah, that checks out.

S: Megatron and Starscream flee and land on a skyscraper in the middle of a city, and then argue about what to do next. And we cut to Soundwave doing what he does best, remotely managing resources.

O: Which in this case means tracking Sam's parents down in Paris as they enjoy some fine parisian food, and prank calling them.

S: Yeah, his mom is not impressed about the heavy breathing. Such as it is.

O: We then see several Decepticons, including The Fallen, fall to Earth taking out several air carriers and buildings as they land.

S: One of these Decepticons captures Sam's parents.

O: The Fallen sends out a tv broadcast basically spelling out that he wants Sam turned over to him in order to spare the rest of the planet.

S: Ah, the news story is shown, letting us know that worldwide the number of casualties is in the ballpark of seven thousand, and well, that's not as horrifying as it came across initially, but mmm…

O: Just seven thousand, for the entire world? I, for one, welcome our Decepticon overlords. In case you're watching this in the future, we're recording this at the tail end of 2020 and we live in the US. That's literally less than 30% of the US’ current Covid death count at this point- eh- while we were researching this episode. It's probably more now.

S: Sam, Mikaela, Leo, Bee, and the Twins are hiding out in, and around some abandoned buildings.

O: Leo's upset, but Sam tells him to suck it up because he's involved now.

S: A helicopter dumps Optimus’ body over at N.E.S.T., and that was not a respectful handling of a dead body.

O: To be fair, he is very big, and the humans are very small, and that was not an Autobot helicopter.

S: Yeah, but that was effectively a world leader.

O: Yeah, Ironhide is upset and uh, begins to get antsy with his guns.

S: Mr. Government Weasel shows up and shuts N.E.S.T. down. Lennox gets upset when he realizes the US government is planning out to hand Sam over.

O: And they're right to consider it! You should (theoretically speaking) hand over one person if has the possibility of stopping a massive amount of death!

S: The problem is it wouldn't stop the massive amount of death, and it would just let them basically strip mine the planet because the Decepticons- the name starts with deception.

O: Fair, but the only ones who would know that are the Autobots and possibly members of N.E.S.T. From the perspective of government officials, who do not have this information, it makes sense.

S: Yeah. Skids and Mudflap clue the group in on trying to find someone who can read the Cybertronian text the AllSpark downloaded into Sam's brain.

O: Leo has decided to join them on their uh, “adventure”.

S: In quotation marks. Which is probably uh, for the best because he knows a guy who might be able to help.

O: Remember the rival internet guy from before?

S: Guess who's back from the first movie, and it might not be your first thought!

O: That's right, Agent Simmons from the first movie, who is no longer- is a no longer an agent, is Robo-Warrior.

S: I feel like the tech guy from the first movie would have probably made a better Robo-Warrior.

O: Yeah, I do too... I do too.

S: [sighs] So, Sam and company arrive at Simmons’ mom's deli, or possibly his deli that his mom works at too or something? I don't know it…

O: It's not very clear.

S: Yeah.

O: Uh, come to find out that Simmons has held on to some old Sector 7 documents.

S: Not just some, uh, he stole a lot of shit from Sector 7. Like, enough to fill like a sub basement.

O: [snorts] Uh, now Mikaela pulls out Wheelie, who has been in tow in the metal box.

S: Uh-huh.

O: Uh, smooth talking him into helping them.

S: Wheelie also can't read the writing from before, saying that it's in the ‘language of the Primes’ and that they need a Seeker.

O: I had completely forgotten they referred to these guys as Seekers until we watched this again. I kind of had a ‘what the fuck’ moment.

S: Same. Seekers, in this continuity are ancient Cybertronians that had been tasked with traveling the galaxy, looking for stars to use as energy sources for the AllSpark. This is a little bit of a hint, hint, hint, for uh, something that might happen later.

O: In a convenient coinkydink, some of Simmons’ old documents show several of these Seekers in their alt modes.

S: Wheelie is able to identify an SR-71 Blackbird in the National Air and Space Museum as a Seeker.

O: So off the gang goes to Washington DC.

S: Outside the National Air and Space Museum, Simmons rips off his pants, revealing the Sector 7 thong to the audience... and then turns around so we can get the view from every angle. That’s-

O: No, no, no. I did not need to see robot balls. I did not need to see hairy man balls, and I certainly did not need to see hairy man ass! I'm not even sure why he did this!? I assume he changed pants but I don't know why he did that right here, in a parking lot, in front of everyone!

S: For the pain, I don't know.

O: [laughs]

S: And thus, they come up with the most amazing scheme to get into the museum as it's closing. Leo's being a coward and Simmons intimidates him a bit.

O: Oh god! That man is pressing his man meat against that man's meat!

S: [sighs] Inside the museum, Leo comes out of the bathroom with his pants… mmm, like, down around his ankles, looking for toilet paper.

O: Why did they want to do this to me? I am feeling personally attacked by the quantity of hairy man I am seeing in this movie!

S: Why are they doing this to us? It’s not just to you-

O: Why are they doing this to everyone!?! [laughs]

S: Yeah. The security guard escorts Leo back into the bathroom, chastising him about how this is a family museum.

O: Yeah, the only one guy doing their job here is the security guard, okay?

S: Yeah, and [he] attempts to hand them toilet paper over the top of the stall.

O: Leo then zaps him with a taser and the man falls to the ground.

S: Of course Leo manages to uh, taze himself with the taser too and falls down, kind of by the guy, and is unable to move.

O: Simmons comes in and drags Leo, still twitching, out of the bathroom.

S: I am hoping that his pants are up, but god who knows with this movie-

O: I don't think they were when he started dragging him. [laughs]

S: God, why?

O: Oh, there was butt- his butt cheeks were ALL over that floor.

S: [sighs] So, they run through the museum and find the correct jet, and then Sam uses the AllSpark fragment on that jet.

O: You would think that perhaps, perhaps, before using an AllSpark fragment to wake a Cybertronian up you might check his goddamn faction badge first but, NOOOO! It’s only after the jet begins to transform they notice the goddamn Decepticon symbol.

S: We are introduced to easily what is not only the best robot character in this movie, but quite possibly the best character in the movie, period.

O: Meet Jetfire! He's old, he's cranky, he's a delight, and he's got a pretty sweet looking beard.

S: Yep, and a cane made from his alt mode’s landing gear. You know, for extra old man points.

O: Now bit of a tangent, but in G1 you will remember Skyfire. Our big sweetie pie scientist.

S: Starscream’s ex, you can't forget that.

O: Can’t forget that, and also frequently utilized as a taxi service by the Autobots.

S: Well, Skyfire is often named Jetfire instead, depending on the continuity. You know, name stuff is weird...

O: Yeah, and- but this Jetfire doesn't have too much in common with our big old scientist, I just wanted to point out that he was clearly referencing him. Um, but the one thing he does have in common and the most important thing to the idiots we're following, is that he is a Decepticon defector.

S: Mm-hmm. Jetfire attempts to fire at a large door to get outside but is uh, having some uh, ‘performance issues’ with his equipment.

O: [laughs] Uh, he is able to get outside, so our party follows him um... into Arizona. And yes, we know that movies often have to be shot at other locations, or fudge locations and make certain events work. But I find this one particularly jarring as they are clearly in a desert with mountains off in the distance which does not line up with the geography around Washington DC.

S: Yeah, considering that it was what, a swamp?

B: [laugh]

O: Definitely not a desert with mountains!

S: Yeah, ah, this part was actually filmed at the 309th Aerospace Maintenance and Regeneration Group, or The Boneyard, in Tuscan, Arizona.

O: Jetfire gives a speech about how being an Autobot or a Decepticon is a choice.

S: An intensely personal choice, even. And Wheelie's like, “Holy shit it IS!?!”

O: And proceeds to start humping Mikaela's leg, charming.

S: [long drawn out sigh] So many sighs.

O: [laughs] I don't understand all the humping in this movie Bay, I really don't.

S: Juvenile male humor?

O: I guess?

S: Guys think humping shit is funny, somehow? I don't know. [sighs] Jetfire shows his uh, senility a little bit talking about his parents.

O: “My father? Why he was a wheel! The first wheel, and you know what he transformed into? Nothing! But he did so with honor- dignity, damn it!”

S: And that is a direct quote-

O: [laughs]

S: Straight from the man himself!

O: He's a delight.

S: [sighs] Sam pulls out a knife and begins carving the uh, Cybertronian symbols into the ground. I mean, where- where'd he get the knife? I have questions.

O: Thong man? Probably?

S: Disconcerting- disconcertingly, yes, that is probable. Um, Jetfire blabbers off about the Dagger's Tip before generating a space bridge, and teleporting everyone to Egypt with uh, very little warning. I mean the only warning he gives them is, “Hold on or you'll die!” to the nearby squishies

O: I also feel like we need to preface, Dagger's Tip as in a location, not talking about the- the knife Sam is holding. Realize that might be a little confusion without- confusing without context.

S: Yeah, and are Bumblebee and the Twins… are also here?

O: The Twins are also here translated- trans- translated? Transported.

S: Okay, because yeah, they apparently showed up after they they exited and mass translocated to Arizona. [sighs] Life is weird in this movie.

O: Yeah, so uh, then Jetfire informs us that once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away… The original seven Primes had arrived on Earth to build a device called a Star Harvester which can create Energon by destroying suns. Wait, seven!?! Did they just pick a number at random!?

S: Probably. I don't think whoever it was making this movie cared about the lore that was in other parts of the series.

O: At least seven is also a prime number…

S: Yeah... I mean, heck, I don't remember if they had a different number in [the] Cybertron [tv series]? Because Cybertron I think, did have a list of Primes.

O: I think the number’s are usually 13.

S: Yeah, but it's just- I don't remember when that number came up-

O: Mm- that’s fair.

S: If it was before or after this.

[Okay, this is mildly confusing, (as Transformers lore often is) but the rough concept for The Thirteen has been around since 1999, but was really only solidified in 2004-2005 into specifically, Thirteen Primes. All that being said, even if that wasn’t established in the first movie, it certainly would have been by the time they were creating the sequel. Also, several adaptations of this movie do have thirteen Primes, not seven, and designs had been created for 12 (non-Fallen) Prime heads, so who knows what the heck happened with this behind the scenes. ~O]

S: Yeah, and while they had a rule about not destroying suns that supported life, the Fallen decided that the humans sucked, and tried to turn it on anyway because-

O: He's a dick! [laughs]

S: He was basically the equivalent of a pissy house proud lady who, with a- whose house had a mouse infestation and he wanted to demolish it anyway but… The humans are the mice in this metaphor.

O: [laughs] Uh, the Primes tried to fight him but were unable to actually defeat him.

S: Considering that only a Prime is supposed to be able to defeat the Fallen this is somehow extremely disappointing. So they took the Matrix of Leadership and sealed it in a tomb made of their own bodies.

O: The Matrix of Leadership is a reoccurring McGuffin in the Transformers lore, but for some inexplicable reason in this continuity it is basically just a ‘key’ for the Star Harvester.

S: Well, I think it also has some other purposes, considering what they end up using it for later… but yeah, it's primarily just the horse- blah, the Star Harvester key. Jetfire conveys that Sam needs to find the Matrix of Leadership or they're all fucked. I mean, what happened? Did turning on Jetfire completely destroy the AllSpark fragment or is it just... dead now? Could they use that to re-awaken Optimus body?

O: I mean yeah, you would think right!? Because like, they- they did- they- that's how they brought Megatron back but nobody thought of this!

S: I mean didn't they already have a thing that they could have used to just, wake Optimus up?

O: Maybe? I don't know. I don't know. Moving right along! Um-

S: I want answers! Sorry...

O: We're not gonna get ‘em. And then presumably, they leave Jetfire in the desert because he needs a good long nap after generating a whole ass space bridge.

S: Well, he basically tells them to get lost before any Auto- before any Decepticons show up.

O: Yeah, because assumably he's gonna take a nap.

S: Yeah, I mean- I think another Decepticon does show up at some point in the novelization, but who knows. I think grandpa beats his pants- or beats his ass. Sam reaches the conclusion that if the Matrix of Leadership can activate the Sun Harvester then maybe it could reactivate Optimus, like some sort of robot activating skeleton key.

O: Seems like a bit of a reach, but alright.

S: No one knows what's going on here, so I guess, sure! Let's run with it.

S: They stop by a nearby village allowing Simmons to contact N.E.S.T. and somewhat covertly tell them that they need to bring Optimus’ corpse over to Egypt.

O: [laughs]

S: [sighs] Oh, this is going to be so many… ugh, so many problems.

O: Soundwave is still able to figure out what the fuck they're saying though, and deploys the Decepticons to the same location that Simmons had given N.E.S.T. You know, do you think his back hurts? You know, from carrying his entire faction?

S: Probably, but I mean, he's in space so there's not much weight up there right now.

O: [laughs] Probably lessens the feeling a little bit.

S: Using some gibberish about the ‘three kings’ and also, astrological knowledge, Sam is able to figure out where the Primes’ tomb is and uh, the group heads towards the mountains of Petra.

O: Lennox's group has also brought the government weasel with them along on their ‘Definitely Not Transporting a Giant Robot Corpse’ mission, and then they fool him into jumping out of the plane. So they can carry on without interruption.

S: Slightly less jumping out of the plane and slightly more uh, fooling him into opening the damn parachute that uh, they got the man to wear and then he gets swept out because--

O: It was a parachute. [laughs]

S: Moving plane, open door, there goes the- there goes the parachute. Oops! So much wind.

O: And it really might be one of the funniest scenes in the entire movie. It also reads entirely too close to something our DND group would pull.

S: Oh yeah, yeah.

B: [laugh]

O: Ask our DM!

S: Oh, any one of our DMs.

O: Any one of our DMs, but I'm particularly talking about when my poor husband had to DM.

S: Yeah, I'm thinking about the ‘whale’ incident.

[My husband regretted that our party had the ability to summon large creatures and portals on that day. ~O]

So Sam and company arrive at Petra.

O: For the non-documentary nerds among us, uh, Petra is an ancient city in Southern Jordan. While it does contain more structures than the treasury (which is what I think they show here) uh, this is probably one of the most famous. You may recognize it as the resting place of the Holy Grail in the Indiana Jones movies. And as we were watching, I had a minor panic attack at the giant robots possibly breaking things.

S: Oh, and the giant robots definitely break things. The Twins fight, and hit a wall or a fresco. Revealing a hollow area behind it with uh, very noticeable giant robot bits.

O: [laughs] Then Bee takes aim at the wall and I have another panic attack. Though to be fair, he's got very good aim and only makes what is arguably a very small hole.

S: Through the giant robot bits. Sam enters the new hole in the wall and finds the Matrix of Leadership on the floor. I guess, cradled in the hands of the Prime corpses? Which- this is super morbid!

O: [laughs]

S: When he picks it up, uh, it crumbles into dust. So, Sam does the only thing he can think of, he sweeps all that dust into his sock.

O: Time to go resurrect Optimus with dirty sock dust!

S: Is it the sock of destiny?

O: It is now.

S: I guess it awakens giant robots, but leaves buildings standing.

O: [snorts]

S: All the while uh, he talks about there having to be some sort of reason for everything that's happening.

O: Uh, to quote a much better character, “It's possible to commit no mistakes and still lose,” so Sam you're full of shit.

S: Yep, back with N.E.S.T. uh, they yeet Optimus’ corpse out of the plane and I believe Optimus has parachutes again here?

O: Probably.

S: I mean, if he doesn't that is just so much corpse desecration.

O: [laughs] And it seems like we arrive back where we started in the first movie, as it looks like they're back in that little desert town where the fight with Scorponok took place. You know, they just- they're just gotta destroy it again.

S: And if that's not that same town it looks extremely similar.

O: Starscream begins firing on Sam and co as they head to the rendezvous location with N.E.S.T.

S: [sighs] The group splits up in order to draw the fire away from Sam.

O: Leo, Simmons, and the twins head off. Bee heads off in another direction, and then Sam and Mikaela head towards Optimus’ location on foot.

S: This seems like a bad allocation of resources but, ohh-kay.

O: [chuckles]

S: N.E.S.T. also spots Starscream, but he has released an EMP burst, cutting off all their communication.

O: Government weasel however, has landed safe and sound and is able to reach (and annoy!) the N.E.S.T. headquarters.

S: Yep and N.E.S.T. uh, headquarters is frustrated that weasel can contact them but they can't contact Lennox's group.

O: Simmons group stops uh, once they realize Starscream has stopped following them.

S: Megatron and Starscream (none too gently) land on the Great Pyramid.

O: God damn, more defacing world heritage sites?

S: Well, the Egyptian authorities would definitely have um, a case against them for this. Because you know, they they charge people with doing dumb ill-advised things on the pyramids

O: I dunno how you're gonna get money out of Megatron but, alright! [laughs]

S: Eh, I'd go with the blood from the stone thing, and literally selling off materials from his body, but who knows? That's also very morbid. Um, Megatron orders an attack and Devastator forms out of more than the requisite number of constructicons from G1.

O: And Devastator makes our last Welker voiced Con for the day, bringing our number up to five-

S: And it’s-

O: -out of 12.

S: And spoiler alert uh, Devastator looks nothing like G1 Devastator, and also this is in like- the same location that Simmons and Leo are at.

O: Yep. Sam and Mikaela though are continuing their march towards N.E.S.T. All the while trying to avoid Decepticons, and thus hide in one of the nearby houses.

S: Ah, I like the lighting in the scene, the lighting is very nice. So one wall is mostly structured from uh, glass bottles. You know, provides some very nice ambient lighting without the need of electricity. It just- it's very pleasant. It's a very pretty look

O: Then we get a really nifty scene of the Decepticons looking for them that's basically, one big long continuous shot of it going out of a hole Sam is looking out, going around the scene and then going back through I think, the keyhole? For the door to the house they're in.

S: Yeah, that sort of continuous shot's very nice. You don't see those very often. Sam catches a tiny Decepticon bug that comes through the hole, leading to them being found, and the house's roof being ripped off by Starscream.

O: They attempt to escape.

S: The Twins uh, begin to fight Devastator, while the combiner tries to eat everybody with his horrifying trash-compactor-crusher mouth.

O: Mudflap is eaten, but doesn't go down easy and punches his way out of Devastator's mouth.

S: The Decepticons reveal that they are holding Sam's parents hostage.

O: But they're all saved by the timely arrival of Bee.

S: Ravage is killed when Bee rips his entire body off his spine??

O: How does Ravage keep ending up in two pieces in these things?

S: I think technically he might be in more than two pieces, but ughhh...

O: Meh, I'm just saying- there was the spine in one hand, and the rest of them in the other hand, at least from my memory.

S: I know, it's just- god, unfortunately this feels a whole lot like shucking an ear of corn.

O: [laugh] Oh, god- yeah... yeah... yeah.

S: [sighs] I'm sorry for that image.

O: Sam uh, tells Bee to take his parents out of danger once they- he- they've gotten them away from the Cons.

S: Uh, Sam's dad argues with him in what we're assuming is supposed to be a counter to his no caring attitude about Sam going off to college in the movie. One of the only positive things is his dad's care- for his dad's character is that he does seem to want to take care of- take care of his son.

O: Pity doesn't show more.

S: Yeah.

O: Okay, tangent, but you may have noticed we're being less descriptive about things that are happening at this point in the story. That's because we basically hit a point where the remainder is a gigantic action scene and not really much else.

S: Yeah, it's a whole lot of punch, punch, switch scene, punch, punch, switch scene.

O: Yeah, so-

S: Shoot, shoot, shoot.

O: We're trying, but if something doesn't really make sense it's because stuff is swapping and not a lot is happening. Oddly enough this movie is actually a good example of why you should keep things simple, from a storytelling perspective. And yeah, I know if you examine the basis of this movie's plot it is pretty simple, but instead of just, you know, actually going from point a to point b there's just a ton of waypoints kind of getting in the way of the action that’s actually happening. Uh, like, “Oh well, we'd better go over to this set for yet another action sequence!” Nothing that's happened in the last 30 or so minutes has really mattered to the overall plot because it's just action sequence, action sequence, action sequence.

S: Yup, dirt, explosions, running, falling down.

O: Rinse and repeat.

S: There is nothing of substance here. Speaking of pointless, it's back to Simmons for absolutely no reason.

O: Uh, Megatron's been on top of the Great Pyramid doing nothing this entire freaking time and now he chooses to shoot down a helicopter.

S: I don't think he's even been monologuing.

O: Yeah, he hasn't! He has- that's what I mean, nothing! He's not even doing anything interesting!

S: Simmons takes the radio from the pilot of said downed helicopter and follows after Devastator as he heads toward the Great Pyramid.

O: American Army porn.

S: And Air Force. And Navy, [sighs] probably?

O: [groans]

S: Sam and Mikaela are spotted by Ironhide and the three Arcees.

O: Two Arcees are downed by some Cons after their one speaking line in the entire freaking movie.

S: Devastator begins climbing the Great Pyramid.

O: Is Megatron waiting up there for Devastator?! Is- is it just too much work to wreck the pyramid by himself?

S: He's got all of these lackeys, he wants the lackeys to do shit for him.

O: Oh, lord.

S: Simmons follows and contacts the Navy.

O: Okay- okay, the only thing I can think of here is that they needed Simmons to do something. Otherwise, why the heck do they call in military reinforcements then call in yet more military reinforcements!?

S: More American Army porn.

O: [sighs] Devastator demolishes the top of the pyramid. Yes, yes, destroying more history, yes, yes.

S: Yet more American Army porn!

O: And then Megatron chases Sam and Mikaela as they approach N.E.S.T.

S: After many, many, MANY, explosions, Sam and Mikaela reach Lennox.

O: Who's like, “You'd better have a good reason for us to be here!”

S: “I got a sock full of dust!”

O: [laughs] Yes, you do Sam. Yes, you do.

S: [sighs] Jetfire shows up, taking out a Con with his cane.

O: Then Scorponok, you know, from the first movie, immediately shows up just to stab Jetfire and ruin all of our days.

S: You know, his triumphant return after disappearance in the last half of the previous movie.

O: And now for the moment you- we-

S: [sighs]

O: We've all been waiting for!

S: Ugh… [unintelligable]

O: Do you want me to do it?

S: Yes, please.

O: Simmons says, “I'm directly below the enemy scrotum.” Why would you say that? Why would you say it like this? Why wouldn't you just say, “I am directly below the enemy”!? Why did you feel the need to add the word ‘scrotum’ to that sentence!?! [laughs]

S: The enemy's anatomy should not be that important, but I guess Bay thinks balls are important- er, hilarious.

O: Important and hilarious.

S: God.

[I am furious that we didn’t know about this clip until AFTER we did this episode, but yeah, this exists. Bay was SO proud of this joke. ~O]

O: Uh, Devastator comes to pieces after being hit by an experimental Navy railgun from the ship that Simmons has been contacting.

S: Yeah, back with Lennox and company, Epps proves yet again to have one of the best lines in the entire movie.

O: They throw some smoke grenades to provide a target for the Air Force.

S: Unfortunately, this smoke's just a teensy bit too close to the party.

O: Epps responds with, “It wasn't my best toss, okay!?”

S: [sighs] In the ensuing chaos of the airstrike, Sam runs ahead to try and get to Optimus and Megatron appears out of the smoke to shoot him. Or to dramatically close in on him, I guess.

O: Megatron gets pushed back by some of the N.E.S.T. covering fire and nyrooms away very awkwardly.

S: Except, what's this!? Sam's dead.

O: [loudly] WOOOOOOOOOOO!

S: Mikaela's not so happy about this though.

O: Uh, sad music plays. Dialogue can be heard faintly as Lennox and the N.E.S.T. crew begins CPR. His parents show back up... again. For what purpose exactly? I think this would have read just fine with Mikaela just being the only one sad about Sam.

S: I don't know. If this is their attempt at pathos, but it kind of sucks. I mean, I know that the audience is supposed to feel bad that this guy's dead but-

O: I don't! [laughs]

S: They did a terrible job of making me care, but now is the moment where Mikaela tells Sam that she loves him.

O: They had a whole thing about this earlier in the movie we really didn't go over but they were having kind of an argument on who should say, “I love you,” first. Blah- blah- blah- blah-

S: Ah.

O: But now, a window into Sam's psyche.

S: What, you mean it's not just going to be boobs, boobs, and more boobs?

O: No- no the seven Primes appear in a vision to Sam.

S: Oh god, does this make Sam a Prime? I really hope not…

O: Oh my god! One of the Primes is voiced by Bulkhead! And by Bulkhead, I of course mean his voice actor Kevin Michael Richardson. A man with a huge filmography that I guarantee you've heard at least a dozen or so things that he has done, if not more!

S: The Primes tell Sam that he is worthy of being a Prime.

O: Bulk, why do you have to hurt me in this way, and by extension, EVERYONE?

S: The magical sweaty sock dust reconstitutes into the Matrix of Leadership. And, I mean, I'm kind of concerned that some of the remaining sweaty sock dust is now blowing away, or maybe this sock will be some sort of horrifying museum relic.

O: Considering what he did with his shirt, I wouldn't be surprised. Um, but I don't really care, because this just means the movie is getting closer to its inevitable conclusion.

S: Fair. Sam then takes the Matrix and stabs it into Optimus chest.

O: Stabby stab? We bring him to life by giving him another stab wound? Magical stabby stab?

S: I think this is how you get robot zombies.

O: Good thing nobody had any Dark Energon on hand.

S: Or the Hate Plague. Of course, the Matrix is immediately snatched up by the Fallen.

O: Because we want to have our cake and eat it too. We need to bring Optimus back to life and also to get the giant sun stun gun going too.

S: So, the Fallen activates the Star Harvester.

O: High levels of shut up and die reached as the Fallen finally reveals some amount of fighting prowess with a bitchin’ anti-gravity staff.

S: Yep. Jetfire, who has been sort of hanging out this entire time having a giant hole in his chest, sacrifices himself to upgrade Optimus so that he can go fight the Fallen.

O: Jetfire, buddy, sir, you deserved better.

S: He did.

O: Here's one of the few scenes where Jolt is visible as he helps Ratchet get Optimus battle worthy.

S: Yeah, um, the electric whips were somehow needed for this for some reason, somehow.

O: Optimus, having gained the power of flight, begins to fight Megatron and the Fallen.

S: But not before destroying the Sun Harvester.

O: Megatron's face is badly damaged as Optimus moves on to the Fallen and rips off the Fallen's face saying, and I quote, “Give me your face!”

S: Then Optimus rams his hand through the Fallen's chest and uh, rips out and crushes the Fallen’s spark.

O: Starscream, being the sane one here, suggests that he and Megatron flee.

S: Megatron, considering that he is dealing with both a head injury and a missing arm from the elbow down, takes Starscream up on his offer. The Fallen having been defeated, Optimus returns to the ground and shrugs off all of Jetfire's parts

O: [You] couldn't have kept anything? The gun? No, nothing. Was it a frame thing- did you miss the slimmer frame, Optimus? Just be honest here, you know.

S: I mean, maybe he considered it kind of morbid having like, corpse parts on him? I mean that would be-

O: Fuck if I know.

S: That would be kind of morbid, but yeah... it feels like it's just showing disrespect to Jetfire's sacrifice. [sighs] Then we move back to Sam and Mikaela, interspersed with shots of N.E.S.T., the Navy, Simmons, etc.

O: Ah, yes, soldiers, brothers in arms, kissing! Soldiers, brothers in arms, KISSING!

S: [laughs] Sorry, sorry I was just- like, my brain put those together at first and not what it actually was.

O: [laughs] I mean, to be fair, that would probably be a more interesting movie!

S: Yes. Optimus thanks Sam for saving his life. And I have many questions Optimus. Did you have- what did you see Optimus? What did you see? And we end with an Optimus monologue about the two races working together in the future.

O: Ohh, Optimus, you’re- you're just going to be discarded in two movies, sweetie. Um, don't trust the US Military, we do not have a good track record.

S: Yup. Linkin Park, much like the first film what plays us out as the credits roll.

O: And thus, we are divided from the rest of the movie. A New Divide if you will.

S: Oh, is that a name drop?

O: It's the name of the song. [laughs]

S: Or title drop, yeah.

O: [laughs]

S: Alright, so what's your take?

O: Wow, I really don't like that movie. The last 30 minutes- hour- whatever, felt like an eternity where the only thing happening was explosions, and robots maybe punching each other and I just didn't care about anything that was happening? The early part wasn't really much better, but at least the characters, you know, were talking to each other.

Um, the writing overall isn't good for like, dialogue and again, some of the events just kind of feel like why did this even need to happen? And I do think it's worth mentioning that this was filmed during the 2007 writers’ strike.

Additionally, regardless of how bad I personally find the dialogue, I still have to give props to Peter Cullen's performance of Optimus. Even the first time I saw this movie, I was sad that Optimus died. And keep in mind at the time I didn't know anything about Transformers, aside from seeing the first movie. I feel like Cullen puts a lot of heart to his performance of Optimus, and I really can't think of a time where it's felt like he's phoned it in and I really do appreciate that. Even here, even with the, “Give me your face,” line.

What did you think, Specs?

S: Well, I don't have nearly as much to say as you did.

O: [laughs]

S: Um, I liked Jetfire. The SR-71 Blackbird is a very neat plane, and I mean, I liked it before this movie came out. So, I liked him for more than one reason. But he was cranky, and delightful, and a jet, and the best part of the movie. Everything else was just kind of painful. Yeah.

O: Yeah, I think that's fair.

S: Yeah. I mean, I liked Mikaela too, but...

O: Yeah, she- say goodbye to her because she's not gonna be in the next movie. This is the last one with Mikaela in it.

S: I think she got the better part of the deal.

O: [laughs] Pity we can't make as graceful as an exit.

S: Yep.

O: But that's it for us now. Uh, we will be posting another episode. Uh, where we go into more detail on what we personally would have wanted to see in this movie. But we know this is running along as it is, and I think based on our estimates this should be around the same length as last year's episode so we're gonna split it. We are also aware that you personally may not care about us trying to you know basically fanfic- fix this so…

S: Mm-hm. Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned. You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter @AftersparkPod (all one word). And various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast, such as AO3, iTunes, Spotify, and Youtube, just to name a few. And feel free to send us questions on Tumblr, Youtube, or AO3.

O: As always, thank you so much for listening. Happy (probably belated by the time this is posted) holidays to everyone. 2020 has been a hell of a rough year, so please stay safe and we will be back with more normal episodes soon.

S: Toodles.

[Outro Music]

S: Sam grabs out a knife and begins carving the Cybertronian siblings into the ground um, I mean, where did you get the knife?

O: You mean symbols? You said siblings.

S: [laughs] God- oh god, I can’t talk!

#transcript #revenge of the fallen #afterspark #afterspark podcast #podcast

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starttheanarchy · 3 years

Text

@thehandsomeasshole from x

Jack did smile at the little sass she threw his way, despite himself. “Well, empty, those things weigh nearly five tonnes. So, nice try. I guess.” He chose to ignore her initial comment about using the loaders for their designed purpose. There was not enough patience in Jack’s body to unpack all of that right now.

“Oh, the vaults are definitely a curse. But, once you get the ball rolling around here, there’s not really anything anyone can do to stop it.” Jack shrugged lightly, scanning through the first four pages while he spoke, “You just… gotta do what you can before another idiot comes along and screws everything up even worse than you did.”

“Nah, you’re right. Princess made me feel a little icky. How about… I- I’ll get back to you, I’ll think of something real good.” he laughed lightly, beginning to scribble down some notes on the papers before he continued.

“You sure as hell act like ‘em, you and your bandit buddies. Just exactly how many things or people have you killed since you got to Pandora? Hey, look, I’ll even give wildlife a pass cause- Well, you could kill a hundred skags one day and the next day there’d be two hundred more. Let’s just focus on people. Maybe you’re not running around screaming about meat bicycles, and maybe it is a little rude of me, but it’s also correct. You just don’t wanna admit it.”

“The people who are still decent in this universe are few and far, kid. In my entire life, I’ve only met two people who were truly selfless.” One’s dead and the other’s… worse. “But, you do realise that if it wasn’t me up here, it’d just be someone else? Hell, Dahl and Atlas would still be plowing through planets like they’re big balls of paper and slaughtering everyone in their way while going off about fighting for those planets’ freedoms and peace.”

“Ooh, I love tyrant! Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? Always considered myself more notorious, than anything else.” The sharp, almost humorous-sounding edge to his voice gave the impression he was teasing her, “Kid, it’s nothin’ I haven’t heard before. You really think I’m gonna be kicking it anytime soon, anyway? Nah. Nope, not happening! I got way too much to do.”

Jack’s brows knitted together and slowly raised in a mixture of surprise and confusion. Sure, maybe she didn’t care, he’d just never had a person who hated him ask for his side of the story before.

He decided not to express his shock.

“So, I’d been working on Helios since it launched, I was, uh-… A- a programming and engineering specialist for Hyperion for ten, fifteen years, maybe. I was in charge of most of the construction, getting together schematic proposals to give to my bosses, all that kinda shit.”

“The first time I met Lilith and Roland was when Dahl decided they wanted to massacre all the workers on Helios and take it over. They… They didn’t discriminate. If you worked for Hyperion, they’d gun you down without even batting an eye. They killed so many of the workers up here, I knew them all personally. We- we didn’t even have a real military then, for God’s sake! They shot workers out of the sky when they were trying to evacuate. That was the level of murderous psychopaths we were trying to deal with. We defended as best as we could, but even the freaking loaders weren’t weaponised yet, I had like… Six hours to get them into a position to defend themselves, and you bet your ass I did it. I guess that actually answers your earlier question, too. I used them for a job they weren’t made for out of necessity, the damn Lost Legion shot at them when they were running away, too. Assholes.”

“I managed to get the vault hunter’s I’d hired down to Elpis in a moonshot, think you’ve met a couple of them. They got to Concordia thanks to-” Shit. He hadn’t actually thought about Janey in a while. He’d ask Athena how they were both doing, but she’d probably curb stop his head before he could even say hello. “-uh, this mechanic. They asked Lilith and Roland to help cause, y'know, Dahl had stuck a jamming signal somewhere on that moon and I couldn’t work Helios’s defences until it was shut off. They knew people on Helios were dying, and they said no.”

“They only started to help when their lives were in immediate danger and Dahl got control of the moonshot laser and start firing away at Elpis. I really did trust 'em to help us, y'know? Like they promised they would.”

“I guess they kinda did. We managed to get control of the laser again and… They blew it up. They nearly took the whole space station down just because they didn’t want Hyperion having it. That stupid laser could’ve saved Pandora, you know. It could’ve- The blasts were so concentrated we could’ve wiped out an entire bandit settlement and their nice neighbours next door would’ve barely felt the ground tremble. I’d worked so hard on that laser. You have any idea how hard it was to make? How much progress they destroyed when they blew that damn thing up? A lot! A whole, freaking lot and-… Sorry. Off topic. Uh…”

He made a small noise, “Oh, yeah. Anyway, after that it was just a rush trying to get to the vault before anyone else did. Dahl was already there, but after what happened with those two I wouldn’t have been surprised if they got to the vault first just so we couldn’t.”

“But, we did. My vault hunters took care of the- The Empyrean Sentinel, I think they called it. Big bastard, more human than the other vault monsters. Freaky stuff.”

“So, the Sentinel was dead, and we finally got to the vault relic. It looked like… Nothing. Very underwhelming. Just a weird little floating vault symbol. I decided to touch it and-…” Jack went quiet for a while, his knuckles growing white with how tightly he was gripping the armrests of his chair, “And I saw… everything.”

He felt sick even talking about it. The pit in his stomach growing deeper and he knew if he didn’t stop soon he’d fall into a full blown breakdown. So, he took a shaky breath in and continued.

“Wasn’t long after that when Lilith made her grand entrance. She destroyed the relic and- blasted the fuck out of my face. You ever had your face branded by some freaky eridian technology? It sucks. Real bad.”

He let his head drop back, and he rubbed his eyes, “So, there’s my side. Think I can quit my day job and become a professional story teller?” Though he tried to make a joke, the fire in his voice seemed to have dissipated. He just sounded… tired.

A rumbling high pitched cry of a living creature, the soft hum of a laser heating up. Before the spiderant can fully leave the ground in its attempt to launch itself at the red head, a quick shot from the head of DT turns it into ash. Moments later the large floating torso of a robot moves its way over to where the rest of the spiderants are and begins clearing the area with ease. "To be fair DT is a floating robot, I should get props for him being able to lift anything over a tonne at all." Is all she can say as she watches her creation be used not exactly for what she had originally intended.

A noise of agreement left her as she nodded her head, this was a mess that she was playing catch up on. Every step revealed a new and sometimes old issues or problems, and untold horrors that would explain some of the residents insanity.

"Oh so what am I suppose to not fight back and die? Self-defense is a thing." She keeps her lips tight on the actual number of people, she knows it is higher then she ever wanted.

Another reason to the countless hours she was stuck away while the others rested. But that is a mental spiral that no one has seen yet even herself, and Gaige wasn't going to break that record.

"Do you realize that it doesn't matter who, I would still be here. I would cause just as much chaos even if it was Maliwan or Torgue, the company doesn't matter, it is the enormity of the actions that are taking place that I have a grievance against. So once I am done with this, I got a whole check list to work through."

A small tsk as her eyes roll once more, she could already feel the odd ache from rolling them too often. But to want the title of tyrant why trying to claim being a hero? And he was calling her a hypocrite, the gall. But then there is silence after her offer. It is enough to get her to move forwards, the area now clear of deadly wildlife, and to sit down on top one of the ridges. And she could hear him begin in her ear, truly starting fro the beginning.

Her hand goes to her vault buckle, slipping it off and clicking it open to show a hidden system of her own design. A small holoscreen flickered to life above it and she began to take notes, to be able to keep her questions to herself and not interrupt. But before she could really take much, she had to slowly turn her eyes back to that giant floating H as he began to talk about the first real blood shed the station ever saw. No one deserved that kind of fate, let alone those who can't even fight back. And she could understand why loaders were used for what they are, even if there had been enough time to design something new.

Through out the whole story she let out the occasional hum or tsk in reaction, but also to let the man on the other side of the echo understand she was still listening.

A mechanic on Concordia? Something to ask others later on, there couldn't be many considering the lack of them on Pandora. As well as to ask on the reason why for the initial no considering at that point the vault hunters as far as she was aware had no issues with Hyperion, let alone Jack.

And she was torn on the laser because she could understand the pain of such handwork just ripped away. And she had a vague idea on how challenging it was with the laser that rested inside DT's head. But at the same time, she would never want anyone to have a laser of that magnitude considering if it could do that to a bandit settlement. Well it would only be a few tweaks away from being able to glass planets.

She paused in her notes when he mentioned seeing everything, it was hard to believe but there was something in his voice that made her believe he certainly saw something he shouldn't have. Gaige was going to have to go back onto that one on a different day since she could tell that right now was a horrible time to do so. And even as he talked about what Lilith did and the reason why he wore a mask, she could head just how this was not the cocky Jack from earlier.

This was a person who was done but still going. Something that it seemed being near Pandora did to people.

"Well I would say quit your day job regardless and stop all this without anymore murder. But we both know we are too far in to be willing to stop." A small click as she closed the cover on the buckle to once more hide away her person little holounit that stored information that she kept only for herself. The notes saved for review for another day. "I do have questions, but you sound..... Rough. Would you rather a topic change? Or just end this call? I do have things to do, and I'm sure you have plenty of ill placed paper work to finish."

#thehandsomeasshole #Okay lets hope this works #because tumblr is being so rude

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krizaland · 5 years

Note

Could I have zim with a irken s/o that came to stay with him rather than on the massive. Thank you!

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR AN ASK LIKE THIS!!!!

Note:

E/C- Eye color

F/C- Favorite color

H/C-Hair color

H/S- Hair Style

The Tallest were beyond flabbergasted when you requested to join Zim on his mission.

“You do realize he’s not actually on a mission right?” Red asked as he scratched his head.

“Yeah! We were just lying to get rid of him!” Purple added as he shoved a handful of donuts into his mouth.

“Oh! Of course I knew about that, My Tallest! I am simply volunteering to...keep Zim occupied! Yes! I am volunteering to make sure Zim stays away and never returns!” You lied.

Red and Purple exchanged confused looks for a moment.

“Well...If you really insist...I guess I don’t really see an issue here.” Red mused.

Purple nearly choked on his donuts.

“Wait! Are we really gonna send Y/N to Zim?! Y/N! You gotta think about this! You’re literally sacrificing your dignity here!”

“It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make, My Tallest.” You insisted.

“Wow! That’s so...Stupid!” Purple shook his head and resumed eating.

“Very well! If you really want to join Zim on his mission, then you are welcome to do so! Just make sure he never comes back. Got it?” Red bent down a bit and pointed at you.

“Affirmative, My Tallest!” You announced with a salute.

And with that, Your F/C eyes lit up as you set a course for Urth.

Meanwhile, Zim found himself missing you.

He sighed as he plopped down in his lab. He couldn’t focus on any of his evil plans today. All he could think about was you.

Zim knew he should’ve expected this. After all, he was an Invader and you were an Elite Soldier. It was inevitable that he would have to leave you behind.

Still, Zim would always try to keep in touch with you through video calls.

However, for some reason you haven’t picked up in weeks! Zim begun to fear the worst as tears begun to stream down his cheeks.

“ALERT! IRKEN SHIP SIGNAL DETETCED”

The sound of his computer bellowing, woke Zim from his thoughts.

“An Irken ship? Oh no! The Tallest must of sent someone to replace me! Computer! Get me in contact with that ship! I need to make sure they know who this planet TRULY belongs to!” Zim commanded.

“Contacting ship..CONTACTING SHIP!!” The Computer roared as the monitor crackled to life.

Suddenly, all of Zim’s rage flew out the window when he saw who answered his call.

“Y/N?!”

“Zim! Hey! Sorry for not responding! I was busy trying to convince the Tallest to let me stay with you!” You explained.

“Wait? You’re gonna stay with me? But I thought you were sent to help battle the Resisty!” Zim squeaked.

“Yeah...Well...Let’s just say things didn’t work out too well. I’ll explain in a bit! I’m just about to land. Y/N, out!” You explained as you cut the call.

“Y/N is coming to stay with me?! I can’t believe it! I’m finally going to be able to spend time with them! Computer! Clean up the base! We can’t have Y/N seeing all of this FILTH!” Zim squealed as he hopped out of his chair.

“I don’t want to!” The Computer whined.

Zim let out a groan and dragged his hand down his face.

“GIR! Minimoose!”

CRASH!

GIR crashed into the lab, followed by Minimoose.

“YES, MY MASTER?!” “ GIR’s eyes turned red as he gave a salute.

“Neyah?” Minimoose squeaked.

“Y/N is coming to stay with us! So I need you two to clean up the base! And hurry! They could be here any second now!” Zim ordered as he shoved some cleaning supplies into their faces.

“Y/N?! Isn’t that your special frieeend?!” GIR giggled as his eyes returned to their usual cheerful blue color.

“Yes, GIR. NOW GET CLEANING! This place needs to be spotless! SPOTLESS!” Zim screeched.

“Neyah!” Minimoose cheered as they joined GIR.

Within a few moments, the base looked somewhat better than it did before.

“I’m gonna make Y/N some WAFFLES!” GIR giggled as he ran off to the kitchen.

WOOSH!

The sound of your ship landing sent Zim into a panic.

“THEY’RE HERE! QUICKLY! EVERYONE! ACT NATURAL!” Zim shrieked as he rushed to the door.

The moment you walked up to the door, Zim threw it open and pulled you inside.

SLAM!

Zim slammed the door behind him and checked to make sure no one had followed you inside.

“Phew! Heeey, Y/N. How’s it going?” Zim purred as he tried to act casual.

“Well, I’m doing a lot better now that I get to see you again.” You giggled as you pulled Zim into a hug.

Zim quickly returned the hug and clung to you for dear life.

“Oh sweet, Y/N. Oh how I’ve missed you.” Zim’s voice quivered as he let out a few alien chirps.

“I missed you too.” You let out a few chirps of your own as you kissed the top of Zim’s head.

“HI Y/N!!! YOU WANT SOME WAFFLES?!”

You reunion was cut short by GIR charging in with an enormous plate of waffles.

“GIR! CAN’T YOU SEE WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EMOTIONAL REUNION?!” Zim roared as he continued to cling to you.

“Actually, I am kinda hungry.” You admitted as you rubbed the back of your head.

“Fine. Vey well. We shall try some of your waffles, GIR.” Zim groaned as he reluctantly peeled himself off of you.

“YAY!!!” GIR squealed as he dragged you both to the kitchen area.

“These are pretty good.” You mused as you took another bite.

“Yeah. Good work, GIR. It looks like your cooking skills have finally improved.” Zim admitted as he continued to eat.

“I guess now’s a good time to tell you the real reason why I was so unresponsive for these past few weeks.” You put down your knife and fork for a moment.

“I’ll get some more!” GIR sang as he ran off to get more waffles.

“You see, Zim. Went I went to battle the Resisty, I had been severely injured. My injuries were so bad I had to be sent to the infirmary for weeks. I was just recently released from the infirmary but my body is still recovering. So unfortunately, I’m no longer able to fight in any more battles until my body is fully healed.” You sighed as you hung your head.

Zim nearly choked on his waffles.

“WHAT?! THOSE FILTHY RESISTY MONSTERS HURT MY Y/N?!” Zim felt his blood boil as he spoke.

“Well, that’s kinda what happens when you go into battle. You get hurt. However, the Tallest were initially going to put me on guard duty but I convinced them to let me stay with you!” You explained as you looked up at Zim.

“Wait! Really? You would give up on being a royal guard just for me?” Zim’s eyes widened in shock.

“Of course! Zim, I love you! Besides, I had a feeling you were probably worried about me!” You giggled.

“I love you too, Y/N! Now I can keep you safe from any more FILTHY RESISITY SCUM!” Zim announced.

You couldn’t help but laugh at Zim’s over the top nature.

“You haven’t changed a bit, Zim.”

Ever since then, living with Zim was much more laid back than living as a solider!

You didn’t have to spend your days worrying that someone would try to kill you in your sleep or listening to Red and Purple whine.

You could hang out with your boyfriend and help destroy a planet! That was a lot more fun than being a guard in your opinion!

Zim wanted to spend every second with you. So he insisted you came to Skool with him.

You were bored so you agreed

Zim took the liberty of whipping up a matching crappy disguise for you. You had E/C contacts and a H/C H/S wig.

You thought you looked ridiculous but Zim insisted you looked perfect.

When you walked into skool no one batted an eyelash.

No one except Dib of course.

“Great. Now there’s two of him!” Dib groaned as he buried his face in his hands.

Zim snickered at Dib’s reaction but insisted on keeping you close to him at all times.

He couldn’t risk having the Dib-Stink try to expose you too!

However, that wasn’t enough to stop Dib.

You sat next to Zim and sniffed at the questionable ‘food’ on your tray.

“Don’t eat this disgusting filth! It’ll make you sick! Trust me! I know all too well. ALL TOO WELL!!” Zim’s voice quivered with disgust.

Before you could respond, you sensed someone trying to sneak up behind you.

SLAM!

You didn’t even turn around as you grabbed Dib and flipped him onto the table.

SPLAT!

Dib fell face first into your ‘food’.

“Didn’t anyone ever teach you not to sneak up on people?” You huffed as you shot Dib a glare.

Dib groaned as he slowly got up.

“What just happened?” Dib moaned as he held his big sore head.

“HA! Serves you right, Dib-stink! Nobody messes with the Irken Elite!” Zim cackled as he watched Dib try to collect himself.

Dib shook away the pain and bits of ‘food’.

“Don’t think you’re safe just because you have a new body guard, Zim! I’ll expose the both of you!” Dib snapped as he hopped off the table.

“I’d like to see you try, you big headed freak!” You countered.

“Oh you two will be so sorry once your bodies end up on autopsy tables!” Dib growled as he slithered back to his table.

“Geez. Does he always do stuff like that?” You grumbled.

“Yep. He tries to expose me at least once a day.” Zim explained casually.

“What a loser.”

You and Zim spent the rest of your time on Urth, scheming, cuddling, and trolling Dib. Every now and then, the Tallest would try to get you to return to your guard duties but you always declined.

You knew you were exactly where you belonged.

#invader zim #invader zim x reader #Anonymous

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detectivejigsawpines · 4 years

Text

ORN-Part 11 (The truth and nothing but)

Trigger warning: this chapter is going to have some heavy stuff-in particular, references to depression and implied attempted suicide. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Stan’s hands shook, and the sore side of his face throbbed when he opened his mouth to fit the truth teeth inside. But he didn’t let that stop him. Ford wanted to know the truth so bad? Stan’s earnest promise that he wanted to protect him from himself wasn’t good enough? Fine. He’d give him what he wanted, if it meant stopping him from choosing to trust that three-sided loser.

As soon as the dentures were settled over his teeth, a golden glow filled up his mouth; he hadn’t been expecting that. When it faded, he looked at his brother, arms folded, expression challenging.

If it had been different circumstances, he might have laughed at Ford’s expression. His jaw was slack, and his eyes were wide behind their glasses. Stan waited for him to ask a question or something...but Ford actually seemed uncertain about his next move, opening his mouth a couple of times but not letting out any actual words. So Stan decided he needed to take the initiative.

“I don’t trust the triangle cuz his story’s got more holes in it than a Swiss cheese. And cuz he reminds me of me when I’m tryin’ ta sell something fake to an unsuspecting sucker.”

Ford didn’t even seem like he was about to scold him for admitting to being a conman; his eyebrows just drew together in a brief frown.

And then, without even realizing he was about to say it, Stan continued.

“And I never meant ta break your project.”

That finally got more of a reaction: Ford snapped out of whatever shock he was in, and his eyes flickered with anger at the dredged-up memory. But still he was silent.

Stan shoved his hands into his jacket pockets. “I was mad at it, yeah. Blamed it cuz you were gonna run off ta do great stuff and leave me behind ta be a barnacle scraper in Jersey forever-” even now the words were still bitter in Stan’s mouth- “cuz of how great it was. And I was mad that the principal said I was worthless in front of my family, and nobody seemed ta disagree with him.”

“I never said-!” Ford began to object.

“No, you didn’t!” Stan spat at him. “You didn’t. Say. Anything.”

Ford’s words stuttered to a halt.

“So I yelled at your machine, and punched the table right in front of it, and a thingy on the front fell off. I got scared, and quickly put it back on and left, and told myself you were too smart ta build somethin’ that’d break just cuz some idiot hit the table it was on. But I guess even you couldn’t be prepared for this idiot.” He jabbed a thumb at himself.

Stan thought that would be the end of his words for now, but no. It was almost like the teeth were designed to automatically say whatever came into his head. And right now, there were a lot of things going on in his head.

“Since then I’ve been doin’ whatever jobs would help me survive ta see the next day, and whatever I thought would get me enough money ta maybe come home, even though I secretly know that’s likely never gonna happen cuz if Pa wanted me back he’d have let me come home by now, I just don’t wanna admit it ta myself cuz if I do then what’s the point of keeping going? Now I’m gonna avoid eye contact with you by pretending ta be interested in this creepy picture.”

Inwardly Stan cursed as he turned and glared at the drawing of Bill; these dumb teeth didn’t even allow him the right to hide the reasons behind his actions.

He heard the sound of his brother’s shoes tapping against the cave floor, coming a little closer; but then he opened his mouth again, and more came spilling out.

“I’ve gotten in trouble with a lotta people, and got a lotta scars. A few of ‘em were made by me, actually-”

“What?!”

“-cuz I have little ta no sense of self-worth left, and I’m pretty sure if I dropped dead nobody would care unless I owe them money.” Stan blinked. “Wow. I didn’t even realize I felt this bad about myself, at least not consciously.”

It was both terrifying and oddly a relief to be unable to lie; he didn’t have to pick and choose his words, they just came out all on their own. But they were also dragging all his dark secrets to light, and it hurt, it hurt so bad, but he couldn’t stop them. And he was also starting to feel a hot, burning coal growing in his chest, spreading to his fists and the back of his neck and down into the base of his gut, with every word he spoke.

“I’ve tried ta call you so many times ta say I was sorry about what I did, but each time I just hung up without speakin’ cuz I was scared you wouldn’t wanna hear it, or even if you did let me say my piece and believed me, it wouldn’t matter, you’d still want me outta your life cuz I messed things up for you so bad. The only reason why I said anything this last time-” he tried ineffectively to hold back this part- “was cuz this old lady told me you were gonna destroy the world by makin’ friends with the wrong people if we didn’t make up, and I’m pretty sure that jerk-” he pointed to the drawing- “is who she was talkin’ about.”

Stan spun around to face his brother at last, the heat roaring to life in his words. “Right now, though, I just kinda wanna punch you.”

Ford took a small step back; Stan just took one towards him, looming in the lamplight.

“Because even if I deserve it, it hurts, Stanford.”

With each sentence, he advanced on his twin. Ford kept stumbling back, looking like he was trying to face down an angry tiger.

“It hurts that you and everyone else in the world thought I was worthless even before I became just another bum livin’ on the streets.”

Closer.

“It hurts that all it took was one dumb mistake for you ta throw me away.”

Closer.

“And it hurts that things got so messed up between us that this-” he jabbed a vicious finger at the golden teeth- “is what you’ll believe.”

Practically nose to nose with Ford.

”Also, that sweater vest makes you look like a dork.”

********

Finally, the words ran out.

For a moment Stan just glared at Ford, chest heaving. Then he asked, in a tone dripping sarcastic politeness, “Can I take them out now? Please?”

Ford closed his eyes. “Yes, Stanley. Take them out.”

Stan ripped the truth teeth out of his mouth and shoved them into Ford’s chest, so he was forced to fumble to catch them. Then he turned away.

More than anything, Stan wanted to leave. He wanted to run, get into his car and drive as far away as he could get before running out of gas. But even if he managed to get out of this cave on his own (there was only one lantern, and even at the peak of his rage he didn’t have the heart to take it and leave Ford here alone in the dark), he had no idea how to get back to Ford’s house; odds were he’d just end up getting eaten by some supernatural whatever.

Like it or not (and right now, it was definitely not), he was stuck here with Ford.

So instead Stan just sat down on his pile of blankets, with his back to his brother, wrapping one of them around his shoulders, and curled in on himself, and tried to block out everything.

********

...Ouch.

#flipside AU #Gravity Falls #stan pines #ford pines #young stan and ford #stan has issues #somebody hug these poor boys #tw depression #tw suicide references

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pinestripes · 5 years

Text

Favorite Moments from TAZ: Balance, in No Particular Order

(I’ve been wallowing in my grief over finishing Balance for a bit now, and I thought I could make a tribute by listing some of my favorite moments from the campaign! It should be noted that there will be SPOILERS AHEAD and that some quotes might be paraphrased slightly. Also, I haven’t listened to the liveshows yet.)

The guys’ delighted laughter as Griffin reveals that Barry’s back.

Actually, every time they have big reactions to his reveals. The sheer dumb confusion and then the whooping and clapping when the first loop in the Eleventh Hour happens. Justin’s quietly horrified reaction to finding out Lup made the Umbra Staff. Clint’s confused laughter and incredulous “Anyone?” when Griffin asks who he summons from the bond engine.

“I, and a team of other people, created this world.” “Gary Gygax?”

The guys tormenting Jenkins in Murder on the Rockport Limited, after which we find out the guy is a literal murderer (and not, in fact, a “sh*tty wizard”).

The entire exchange at the bottom of the well in the Gerblins arc. “Can anybody levitate?” “I think we just live at the bottom of this well now.”

“No dogs on the moon. They just run right off the damn thing.” "Should you say it, or should I? ...No dogs on the moon!”

“[Stephen] swims around in his tiny bowl. And he loves me.”

The sheer comedic gold that is the scene where Taako convinces Garfield to give him the sword--the perfect buildup, Griffin’s soul leaving his body as he realizes what’s happening, the other guys losing their minds as they too realize it.

Arms Outstretched, of course. And the sort of reprise of it in the finale.

Speaking of the finale--I’m a massive sucker for “Hey, the gang’s all here!”-type finales, where everyone we’ve ever met in a series shows up in the end and pays a role. And the TAZ finale does this SO WELL, with the music, and how it always makes sense in what’s happening in the scene. It’s so satisfying.

“You know we’re going to have to talk about your sister being a lich, right?”

Lup’s introduction.

Lup’s return, from the long pause, to Justin snapping the staff, to Clint’s “Attaboy!” to “YOU’RE DATING THE GRIM REAPER?”

When the guys all simultaneously respond to the question “What’s the best type of advertising?” with “Word of mouth” in Wonderland after episode after episode of them asking people to and thanking people for telling others about the podcast.

Killian reacting to Magnus cutting off Merle’s arm.

Magnus eating the Philosopher’s Stone, and Griffin subsequently being adamant that Travis deal with the consequences of his actions.

The guys starting their second loop in Refuge and immediately messing up so badly that Justin almost has Taako shoot them all and end the loop right there.

Magnus’s. Pep. Talk.

Lucretia in the Candlenights episode. “Hot diggity sh*t, this is a baller cookie.” “Magnus, this is the nightmare scenario.” “Booyah.”

Taako suddenly deciding stealing is wrong in the Goldcliff Trust. “This isn’t a dungeon; people do business here!”

Merle’s bit about the traveling forward/backward in time 9 seconds in the finale had me laughing so hard I was wheezing and crying. My roommate had to check on me and make sure I was okay.

I love Davenport and his sheer delight at piloting the Starblaster again. “Dance for me, buddy.”

The guys coming up with silly and perfect reporter names and newspaper titles to ask questions at the beginning of The Stolen Century.

The big, triumphant way Griffin goes “Let’s roll initiative!” in the finale, followed immediately by Mort Garson’s incredible music.

Everything Angus does ever.

The scene with Taako teaching Angus magic. “Can--can I get tickets?” “Why don’t you conjure them yourself, Mr. Wizard?”

When, in Reunion Tour, Angus says something about his books and Travis says he loves Angus and Justin says “Precious” in his Taako voice which means IT WAS IN CHARACTER AND CANONICAL.

Lup freaking apologizing for destroying the macaroons Angus made.

The Tom Bodett thing is just. So dumb. But so funny. I love it.

Taako calling Barry “Barrold.”

Fisher loving the carved wooden ducks is SO CUTE.

“Griffin, can we please deal with the Fullmetal Alchemist situation I currently find myself in?”

“Who?” goiehioewgasd;

The Junebug scene, with the music, gives me chills.

“Those are the arms that have held my wife!”

Merle choosing Lucretia to go with him to the spa in that lunar interlude because it’s so good for character stuff but also is unintentionally heartbreaking when you think about it much later??

Cassidy becoming mayor of Refuge.

Magnus deciding to break into the BOB’s prison. I’ve never been a DM, but I could feel Griffin’s sheer frustration and exasperation in my very soul.

Okay, no, I actually need to talk about Arms Outstretched. I usually don’t feel much dread or fear when watching/reading/listening to things because I’m like “it’s fictional, no one’s in any actual danger, there’s more books/episodes after this, it’s going to be fine” but this scene made me feel absolutely horrified dread the instant the Animus Bell rang anyway.

“Taako’s rushing in!” “Magnus follows him?” “Merle’s good out here.” “What’s going on?!”

“Hello, my name is Elder Merle!” THUNK

Magic Brian’s death. “I cast magic missile on him again.”

“Between the fan and the fancy umbrella, I’m one seventeen-inch waist away from being Scarlett O’Hara.”

The tantrum Taako throws when asked to get on the Elevator of Tomorrow in Crystal Kingdom, and of course his subsequent GLEE when Magnus and Merle get attacked after using it. “Taako--that’’s me, hi--I’m done with elevators. Never again! ...Don’t do it, I swear to god. You will not like how this ends. I will burn a spell slot on you. I give no sh*ts.”

Lucas, sadly: “My lab!”

The endless tormenting of Leon. “Yeah, he is no longer functioning. You have thoroughly broken this man.” “I win!”

Justin finding out about Lup’s existence and immediately having Taako call her Lulu.

“That’s real low [max HP]!” “Is it? Is it, Griffin?”

“See, there’s magic in a bard’s song. They call it inspiration, and it tells the listener what they need to hear right when they need to hear it. And right now, you hear it too. The message in the music heard round the world. You hear Johann’s voice, telling you, ‘You’re going to have to fight. And...you’re gonna win!’”

“Hear that babe? We’re legends.”

“This should go without saying at this point--Taako is DELIGHTED.”

“My name is Magnus Burnsides.” “Marchis Burchsins.” “Yep, nailed it. Got it in one.”

When Merle has the choice to sacrifice his memories of his kids’ births in Wonderland and immediately decides to take the penalty.

The bit in the second Story and Song where the guys keep putting off getting in the Starblaster and keep having little moments with all the other characters, and Griffin gets so annoyed that he tries to get them to move along using the NPCs. “No, totally. Let’s save the world, then 420 blaze it. Can we gooooo?”

Lucas, also sadly: “I got a splinter.”

“Our capacity for love increases with each person we cross paths with throughout our lives, and with each moment we spend with those people. But, too often we neglect that part of ourselves in favor of others. And by the time we realize just how important it is, we find ourselves with fewer folks around to practice with.”

“Did you enjoy the adventure?” “Of course!”

“Oh, yes, small prophecy is easy. I burp and a small prophecy happen.”

“Let me tell you a story about the time we fought three ogres, and I got punched so hard I almost died. You remember? You were up in some kind of weird laser firing potions willy-nilly, Magnus was pulling the arms off a robot, and I got punched so hard I almost died! I’m not about to throw down with a giant crab while you’re armed with just a terrible Scottish accent, and Travis doesn’t even have his shield! I’m out!”

“It all started when I met the most beautiful elf, and the bravest cleric...”

“Not all exits are made equal. Some are beautiful, and poetic, and satisfying. Others are abrupt and unfair. But most are unremarkable, unintentional, clumsy.”

“I’ll be having my body back, you undead f***.”

“We’ve chosen the perfect person for this. It’s like sending a mildly eloquent piñata in!”

“Let ‘em know, kid.”

“The late Merle Highchurch rolled a five.”

“You’re going to be amazing.”

...And every single moment that demonstrates what phenomenal entertainers and storytellers the McElroys are. Thank you, guys, for an experience unlike any other.

#the adventure zone #taz #the adventure zone balance #tazb #i took like four days writing this because #i kept coming up with new ones #i know i have more i could add #but it'd eventually just be a transcript of the entire series #pinestripes babbles #edited because i forgot lucas from story and song #and that needed to be in here #edited again because i love magnus's epilogue

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shannaraisles · 5 years

Text

Roll For Initiative

A commission piece for @lechatrouge673, who told me to write something that made me happy. So I ran with the DnD idea!

***

"All right, everyone ready? Settled in?"

Erin looked around the table, snorting with laughter at the sight of her brother, Patrick, attempting to steal yet more of Ana's pierogi off her plate, only to earn himself a slap on the hand and a sharp look. Across the table, Brian was finishing off his sandwich hurriedly, and Toby was - of course - going through his dice ritual to decide which ones made the cut for tonight. They were down a couple of players today, and a couple were going to be late, but that wasn't a game killer. What she had in mind for this weekend was adaptable.

"Recap away, noodle," Patrick managed through his last mouthful, wiping his hands as he did so.

"All right, then."

She drew in a slow breath, settling her thoughts, and began.

"Feeble Noobs ... "

Why did I ever let them call themselves that?

"Following a harrowing adventure in search of Andraste's Ashes, you succeeded in passing the Gauntlet of Faith, proving yourselves worthy to take a pinch of the Ashes back to Redcliffe to cure Arl Eamon and restore him to health. In gratitude for what you did, and for saving his son, as well as concern for the future of the country, he agreed to lend his voice in opposition to Teyrn Loghain Mac Tir in the upcoming Landsmeet. However, his plan involves supplanting Queen Anora, and putting Alistair on the throne instead, since your reluctant paladin is the illegitimate son of the former king, Maric."

"Backstory comes to bite me in the arse," Brian muttered with a grin.

"That's what backstory is for," Erin assured him cheerfully. "You returned to Denerim with the arl, setting up base at his estate, and began to explore the city, hoping to make a connection with some of the nobles and win them to your side. You were attacked by the Antivan Crows, lead by a former colleague of your friend Zevran, who wanted to fulfill his contract on the Grey Wardens and take him back with them. Zevran chose to place himself between Darrian and Alistair, and his former colleagues, and after a tough fight, you emerged victorious. You then decided to treat yourselves to a night at The Pearl, Denerim's foremost brothel, which I am never going to forget -"

The laughter at the table was a very clear reminder that allowing her players to have too much fun at her expense was going to turn into a story for all the years to come. Jenny, as Zevran, had insisted on sampling the delights of all the men and women at The Pearl once she'd discovered it was a fade to black situation, just to make Erin describe and play an increasingly odd selection of throwaway NPCs made up on the spot.

"Upon returning to Arl Eamon's estate, you found Erlina, Queen Anora's elven companion, beside herself with worry. Arl Howe, Loghain's right-hand man, had imprisoned the queen in his city estate. Against Eamon's wishes, you decided to rescue her. and with a series of truly stunning stealth rolls, and one very lucky save, you made your way into the Howe estate, where you freed Soris, Darrian's cousin, and discovered a few means by which you can sway some of the nobles to your cause. You were confronted by Howe himself, and managed to take down both him and his elite guard, freeing Queen Anora in the process. However, when you attempted to leave, you were stopped by Ser Cauthrien, Loghain's loyal commander, and a large number of city guards, who demanded that the Grey Wardens surrender and be put under arrest. Rather than risk the queen's presence in your midst being discovered, Darrian and Alistair voluntarily surrendered, allowing the rest of your party to escape back to Eamon's estate with the queen. And that is where we will pick up ..."

"Hey, you missed out me saving Sten's life with my amazing druid healing skills," Patrick objected mischievously.

"You're a dog, shut up," was Erin's response, sticking her tongue out at her brother for a moment before turning to Brian and Toby.

"Alistair and Darrian," she said, "you come to on filthy blankets in a dark, dingy prison. You’re in a cage - one of many that you can see lining the walls - and you can see other prisoners, some of whom have clearly been tortured, some lying very still. Your equipment, your armor, even your clothes have been taken off you as you lay unconscious. There’s a single guard patrolling the floor outside the cages. What do you do?"

"We're naked?" Brian asked in surprise.

"They've left your underpants on you, but everything else is gone," Erin clarified.

"Is there anything in our cell, or in the cells that I can reach through the bars, that I could use to pick the lock?" Toby inquired. He was always first to jump into the action if he possibly could.

"Roll an investigation check."

"While Darrian's grubbing around on the floor, Alistair's going to wrap the blanket around himself like a girl getting out of the shower," Brian interjected over the sound of rolling dice.

"Ha!" Ana grinned at him across the table. "I knew Alistair had a thing for Darrian!"

"No, he's just worried about offending his friend with the indecency of his ... manly nipples," Brian countered, blatantly not believing a word he was saying.

"5, so that's ... 10," Toby piped up.

Erin glanced at her sheet.

"You root around for a while, reaching through the bars to the cells on either side, but you don't come up with anything that could be used as a lock pick," she said. "As you finish your investigation, the guard rounds the corner to walk by your cell."

"I whip my hand back into the cell and turn to Alistair." Toby assumed his chosen accent for Darrian with an ease that made Brian mock glare at him. "What in the Void are you doin'?"

"I look embarrassed and shuffle a bit, tucking my blanket tighter around my manliness," Brian said, taking a moment to find Alistair's voice again before adding, "It's cold in here."

"What, worried y'goin' to poke my eye out with your nips?"

"Well, you do stand very close sometimes." Brian bit down on a laugh that would have destroyed his accent, and went on. "So what do we do?"

"How well armed and armored is the guard?" Toby asked Erin.

"Standard for a prison guard," she mused. "Splint mail, helmet, longsword and dagger."

"Showing any interest in us?"

"Apart from a glance in to make sure you're still there, he doesn't seem interested," she said. "Guard duty's guard duty, and you're all but naked and locked in a cage."

"Okay." Toby slipped back into Darrian as he turned to Brian. "You play sick, and when 'e comes in, I'll jump 'im."

"What with? A handful of ... what is that, poop? Ergh."

"Just do it."

Brian rolled his eyes, grinning, and turned to Erin.

"Alistair is very reluctantly going to fall down in a swoon and start groaning like there's a bear sitting on top of him," he declared cheerfully, already reaching for his dice.

"Darrian will yell for the guard to come and take a look," Toby added.

"All right." Erin considered this briefly. "Alistair, roll me a performance check."

"Performance? Ugh ..."

The dice rattled on the table. Brian took one look at the roll, and thumped his forehead onto the dice tray, holding up a single digit.

"Natural one!"

As the rest of the group burst out laughing, Erin giggled her way through the guard's reaction.

"So, while Alistair's lying on the ground making ridiculous noises, the guard comes to the cell door and looks in, and he just, he's not impressed," she said, lowering her timbre for the guard. "Very nice. D'you do duck impressions too?"

Brian snorted. "Alistair stops groaning and just looks up at the guard, sort of pouting," he said. "You don't think I have a career on the stage then?"

"Mate, you're gonna be dead in the morning, so do what you like," was the guard's response.

"How close is he to the bars?" Toby asked.

"Couple of feet," Erin answered.

"Great. I launch myself at the cell door and try to grab him through the bars."

"This is why we need Darrian," Ana commented to Patrick. "He just does stuff."

"Oh, woof." Patrick nodded sagely in agreement, laughing as she backhanded his shoulder lightly. "What? I'm a dog!"

"You're an idiot," Ana informed him with a smile.

"Roll, um ..." Erin drummed her fingers for a moment. "You know what, just roll a straight dexterity check for me."

"Twenty." Toby shook his head as she opened her mouth. "Not natural."

"Okay, well, while the guard is laughing at Alistair, Darrian rushes the bars and manages to grab him by the collar of his mail," Erin said, ignoring the quiet conversation to her right. "What do you want to do with him?"

"I want to ... yank him hard and try and knock him out against the bars," Toby decided.

"Bear in mind, you're rolling against his AC, and your arm is thrust through a space about six inches wide," she reminded him. "Give me a strength check at disadvantage."

"Oh god, strength is really not my strong suit," Toby muttered, rolling his d20 twice. "Yeah, I'm a weakling. Doesn't happen."

"What did you get?" Patrick asked curiously.

"Rolled a five and a two, so that's three," Toby said with a grin.

"All right, so as you go to yank him toward the bars, the guard pulls backwards, and your grip just isn't enough to hold onto him as he backs up," Erin narrated. "Don't you try that again, y'hear? Bloody Wardens. He scowls at you, but he doesn't come close again, just turns and goes back on his round of the prison floor."

"Can't say you didn't try," Brian said encouragingly. "So what do we do now?"

"I'm out of ideas. S'pose we're waitin' to be rescued now." Toby smirked across the table at the other two. "Over to you, fearless warriors."

"Oh, yeah, this is going to go really well," Ana drawled, glancing at Patrick.

Anyone playing off him tended to have a bit of a rough go of it because of his obtuse character creation. He'd agreed to play the game when his little sister had begged, but his condition had been that he was allowed to create his own unique character. What he had come up with was a druid stuck permanently in dog form, which made for some interesting scenarios.

"All right, so - for the sake of brevity - let's say that you got Anora safely back to Arl Eamon's estate, and it was decided that Sten and ... the dog ... have the best chance of getting the Wardens out safely," Erin said. She knew this group too well to let them have a debate, even when there were only two of them involved in it.

"Sten, Barkspawn ... you approach Fort Drakon. It's a walled, heavily fortified keep, pretty much in the center of the city, named after the Orlesian emperor who founded the Andrastian Chantry. It's the oldest building in Denerim, built out of heavy gray granite, and it kind of squats on the landscape in a series of concentric circles built around a very tall tower in the center. There are two guards on the main gate, but they don't challenge you as you pass through. What do you do?"

Ana straightened her shoulders, channeling her inner Qunari as she dropped her timbre into her character's voice.

"They call this a fort? I thought it would be bigger."

"Woof."

A shared snort of laughter went up from the other side of the table as Ana glared at Patrick. Evidently he wasn't going to make this easy on her, role-play wise. He gave her an innocent smile in answer.

"Stands to reason that the cells would be in the tower," Anna mused, apparently deciding to ignore Patrick's insight for the time being. "So I guess we go to the tower?"

Erin nodded.

"Okay then," she said, checking her notes swiftly. "The tower is easily the tallest building in the city. It's also very wide. I mean, you could fit a couple of dragons in this thing with room to spare. There are more guards in evidence in the courtyard around it, but nobody challenges you as you make your way to the door of the tower itself. However, as you approach this enormous, thick-oak door, the two guards in front of it step forward and bar your way. They are better armored and armed than the guards on the main gate of the outer wall, but they seem kind of weary, kind of bored. Door duty isn't exactly rife with excitement. One of them holds up his hand, and says to you, Sten, What is your business in Fort Drakon?"

"Barkspawn stands up a little straighter, and just looks the guy right in the eye," Patrick piped up. "Staring him down like only a mabari can."

"Sten's doing pretty much the same," Ana agreed. "He looms over the guard. I'm a giant with a war dog. Either I am making a delivery, or I am beseiging your fort. Hope for the former."

Erin chuckled. She loved the way Sten had developed over the last months.

"Okay, make a persuasion check for me."

"Why not deception?" Brian asked out of curiosity.

"Didn't actually tell a lie," she explained, as the dice rolled.

"Oh geez, my persuasion is crap," Ana was muttering, looking up to add, "Nine."

"The guard looks you up and down, and then over to the dog staring at him, and exchanges a look with his fellow guard. They don't seem to be buying this. I wasn't told we were getting a mabari."

"Must I point out the obvious?" Ana tried again, putting a growl into her voice that made Patrick blink in surprise. "I am a large, impatient man with a war dog. Either let us in, or get someone who will."

"Barkspawn growls in agreement with him," Patrick offered hopefully. "Teeth bared, muscles tensed. Looking like he really wants to rip someone's throat out."

"Uh, all right." Laughing, Erin shook her head. "Roll for intimidation, with advantage, since Barkspawn's helping you."

Again, the dice rolled, and Patrick let out a whoop of triumph as Ana grinned.

"I rolled a four, and a natural twenty, so twenty-six," she declared cheerfully, setting Brian and Toby to praising the roll enthusiastically.

"Well, you are a large, impatient man, fully armed, with a war dog, and these guys just don't get paid enough to deal with things like this," Erin told them. "I can't believe that worked ... They look to each other, and back to you, and step away hurriedly. Uh, all right. You, uh ... go inside, and wait in the room on the right there. We'll, um ... The captain'll come and see you. One of them pushes the door open and hurries inside, and the other gestures for you to follow him, while keeping as far away from the two of you as he possibly can while at the same time trying not to look scared. The one who went ahead of you gestures toward an antechamber to the right side, and hurries off to find the captain, leaving you both alone. What do you do?"

There was a moment of pause.

"Sten really doesn't like being kept waiting," Ana mused, eyeing Patrick thoughtfully. "This is pointless. We should go in fighting."

"Barkspawn barks back in agreement," Patrick answered. "I mean, we're inside now. It can't be that difficult to find the cells, right?"

"Oh my god, are you really going to do that?" Toby asked, incredulous disbelief written all over his smiling face. "You're just going to fight your way through a whole fort?"

"Sure, why not?" Ana shrugged, and looked over at Erin. "I draw my sword, and wait by the door for the captain to come in. When he does, I'm gonna swing at him."

"While Sten goes for his body, I'll pounce his legs and try to knock him prone," Patrick said, picking up his dice.

"All right then."

Erin couldn't quite believe that the admittedly bad plan to talk their way in had suddenly become the worse plan of fighting their way in, but that was D&D. Groping for her character stats sheets, she fumbled for the captain.

"You're left waiting for no more than a few minutes, enough time to get into position by the door, and the captain's footsteps make it very obvious when he's coming. You go as soon as he steps in through the doorway?"

"Yep, the second I see him." Ana rolled her dice, checking her own sheet as Patrick did the same. "Twenty-eight to hit?"

"That hits, roll damage. Patrick?"

"Twenty-five."

"Nice rolls - that hits as well." Erin glanced down at her sheet, rolling her own dice quickly to see if her NPC might be able to avoid either of these. "Actually, Barkspawn, roll a dexterity check for me quick to see if you can get him off his feet."

"Sixteen damage," Ana said, leaning forward hopefully.

"So, as the captain of the guard steps in through the doorway, Sten swings his massive greataxe, and it sinks into the captain's shoulder, crunching through plate armor and pressing chain-mail and cloth into quite a significant wound. Blood spurts out as he yells in pain, the sound echoing down the hallway he came from. Patrick, what did you get?"

"I rolled a seventeen on the dex, and a ... three damage." Patrick threw Brian a dirty look across the table as the other man laughed. "What? I only have teeth and claws!"

"Well, he rolled a four on his saving throw," Erin assured him, "so as Sten rips the axe out of this gaping, bleeding wound in the captain's shoulder, Barkspawn charges toward him, gripping one of his ankles in his vicious teeth and pulling hard. The captain staggers, and falls down hard. He is now prone."

"Do I get an attack of opportunity?" Ana asked hopefully. "Since, you know, he's gone from standing in front of me to lying on the floor."

"Technically ... no," Erin began to say, but she knew better than to force a technical point. What was the point of the game if it wasn’t fun? "But in this instance, why not? Roll another attack, with advantage because he's prone."

"Excellent."

"You're so blood-thirsty," Patrick commented over the sound of the dice rolls. "I love it."

"I'm a large, impatient man with a greataxe," Ana answered cheerfully. "Twenty-six again, and fourteen damage."

"As the guard captain falls, Sten takes another swing with his greataxe, and this time the blade sinks into the man's leg, blood flowing freely from this new wound as he screams in pain again. He's hurting, but he's not dead, and you can hear the sounds of other guards rushing toward the sound of his screams."

"I cast Polymorph on him while he's down," Patrick announced, one finger in the air as he scanned his spell sheet.

"What's the save on that?" Erin picked up her dice to roll.

"Uh, that is ... wait for it, wait for it ..." He peered at his sheet, scanning desperately for the appropriate number. "I really need to organize this - oh! Wisdom, fifteen!"

Erin rolled for the saving throw, and snorted with laughter.

"Natural three," she laughed, shaking her head again. "What are you turning him into?"

"A flea," her brother said firmly.

"Seriously?" Ana looked at him in astonishment. "You know he's just gonna bite you to all hell."

"Yeah, but I'm a dog," he pointed out. "What's another flea?"

To the sound of the laughter rising around the table, Erin tried to get control of the narrative again.

"All right. As the sound of the approaching guards gets louder, Barkspawn channels his druidic magic, and suddenly the guard captain is no longer visible. A moment later, you feel a sharp bite on the inside of your ear."

"I scratch that ear." Patrick grinned.

"Fair enough, okay. But as you look up, you see four more guards heading toward you, swords drawn, ready to fight."

Erin looked at Ana and Patrick with a slightly evil grin.

"Roll for initiative."

#roll for initiative #dragon age fanfic #dnd au #i have no idea how to tag this #lechatrouge673 #dnd game #alistair theirin #darrian tabris #barkspawn #this was a fun but weird exercise for me #sten

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psychospeak-blog · 6 years

Text

Won’t Go Slowly // 31

A/N: More of a fillerish chapter until Tyler gets back, but I still hope you guys enjoy it. Also...I had the hardest time trying to think of something embarrassing about Tyler as a child, and this is what transpired. I’m sorry.

One // Two // Three // Four // Five // Six // Seven // Eight // Nine // Ten // Eleven // Twelve // Thirteen // Fourteen // Fifteen // Sixteen // Seventeen // Eighteen // Nineteen// Twenty // Twenty One // Twenty Two // Twenty Three // Twenty Four // Twenty Five // Twenty Six // Twenty Seven // Twenty Eight // Twenty Nine // Thirty

You were not sleeping with Tyler again.

Well, it wasn't the sleeping that was the problem really.

It was the sex.

You had been concerned, when you started this whole thing, when he suggested it, that it would somehow negatively impact your friendship, that it would make things awkward between the two of you afterwards. You were happy it didn't, because you were just the same friends you'd always been. Closer, even, maybe, because he was supporting you through a pretty big event in your life.

You didn't, expect, however, that the problem would be not touching each other after you'd gotten pregnant. It was kind of turning into a thing, and you didn't want to have some type of weird friends with benefits thing, especially not with Tyler. Not with one of your oldest and best friends. And certainly, certainly not after the baby was here. You couldn't imagine telling your child how he came to be, and then having to have him try and figure out he accidentally caught Mommy and Uncle Tyler kissing. Nope.

It probably wouldn't be a problem, though, because this was not like you. It was probably hormonal, or something.

You didn't really regret it, either, it was great. The last time was especially great, too, so you could really end this thing on a good note.

You had kind of, a little bit, been avoiding him. Not dodging his calls or anything, but more so just you personally not being the one to initiate the conversations or the text. You'd think it'd be easy not to have a connection with him for a couple of days, seeing how you weren't even in the same city, but he called or texted you pretty often.

You had, however, sent him a picture of Gerry licking your face with the caption 'Best New Year's kiss ever', to which he had responded with a picture of him making a kissy face between Marshall and Cash, along with the text 'Two are better than one'.

And, just like that, it was a new year, a fresh start, the year your baby would be born in.

Also the year you'd stop shuddering anytime you took a shower, thought about raking a shower, or looked at a shower. Yep, this was your year.

" How were your holidays?" Danielle asked, after you'd asked her, and you told her about your Christmas Eve dinner at Tyler's house, and your Christmas with your family, and then just said that you and Tyler just hung out on Boxing Day, leaving out the whole fucking part.

"I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to see him."

"Yeah, he wasn't really here for very long," you said, as you turned into yet another aisle of the baby store you were in. You didn't expect for there to be so much stuff, and it was completely overwhelming. "He'll be here for 5 or 6 days though, so you can see him them." And maybe she should just stay with you at all times, so you weren't alone with him.

Okay, that sounded bad.

But, he was your best friend. You wanted him to be just your best friend again.

You slowed down, with the cart you were pushing, not even really knowing why, looking at a machine designed to help you make your own baby food, and then realized that the baby wouldn't even be able to eat that type of food for months after he was born. But, breast pads, were those something you needed? Or a breast pump?

"I think we're in the wrong section of the store," you said, heading towards the back, where the bigger things were, your hand slowing when you felt the baby kick, and then saying "Dani.." keeping your hand settled right beneath where you felt the movement, and she reached over, settling her hand there, and you shared a smile.

"Did Tyler feel him?" she asked and you nodded. "What did he think?"

"He liked it?" you said, "He said it was cool. He really wanted me to eat dessert so the baby got a sugar rush and his sisters could feel it."

Danielle gave you a gentle smile, "Did they?"

"Yeah," you smiled, smoothing your hand over your belly.

"How were they?" she asked, smoothing her hand over some soft swaddle blankets.

"Good," you said, swallowing the emotion that you were feeling, "Everyone's been really good." Honestly, their reaction was better than your own family's. Your mom was better now, too, not that you were actually pregnant, but she made a few comments over Christmas that made you feel like she was being almost a little overbearing, in that way she usually was. Luckily, your sister had come to your defense pretty quickly, letting her know that you had everything handled. You'd also asked your sister to tell your father, because you weren't sure what his reaction was going to be like, and you weren't entirely sure you wanted to put yourself in that vulnerable position emotionally.

"Oh my gosh," Danielle said with a gasp, and you followed her down an aisle she was going, taking in all the little activity gyms for babies until she lead you to the one that she'd spotted. It was shaped like a whale and had a canopy so it looked like the baby was laying in the whale's mouth, and it had all types of ocean-themed toys hanging down. "It's UV resistant, and it has a pillow for tummy time."

Okay, it was really cute, but you were not buying that type of stuff today. You just wanted to focus on the baby's room. "I think we need to go to Pottery Barn or something, where it's just furniture," you said, "there's too much stuff here."

"But you can use it inside and outside," she said, "You love being outside."

It would be great, actually, to keep him shaded and safe, especially since he'd still be so little going into the end of spring and the beginning of summer. But you needed to focus on his bedroom. "You can get it for me for my baby shower," you said, starting to turn out of the store.

"He told you?" she asked, and you laughed, because she knew right away it was Tyler and not your sister, "I'm not telling him anything ever."

"You were going to keep it a secret?" you asked.

"Well, no," she said, "But we were going to wait awhile to tell you."

"I was going to buy a bunch of baby stuff," you explained, "and he just wanted me to wait."

"Okay," Danielle reasoned, "But I'm not tell him any more details. Especially not the theme. I didn't realize he told you everything."

"There's going to be a theme?" you asked, and Danielle just laughed.

"Anyways, how is Gerry doing?"

"He's fine," you said. He'd been better than fine, actually. Like, perfectly well behaved, and you hadn't really witnessed any of the destroying of things that Tyler had talked about. "Tyler's been stressed about him though."

"Why?" she asked with a laugh.

"I think he thinks that Gerry's gonna be mean to the baby or something."

"But he's so sweet."

"I know, except he does get excited," you said, "He tried to jump into the baby swing, and I thought Tyler was going to have a heart attack." It was probably a good thing, actually, that he was staying with you and being around all of this baby stuff you were slowly accumulating, to get him used to it. Really, though, the biggest thing you were worried about was the baby's toys getting mistaken for dog toys, which really wouldn't be a big deal at all.

You breathed a sigh of relief when you walked into the furniture store, not feeling so overwhelmed with the bright lights and colours, the measurements of the space you'd were thinking for the crib and rug saved on a note in your phone. When you got to the kid and baby furniture section, the gliders and rocking chairs were the first thing you saw, and you found yourself sinking down into one immediately, thankful for the cushioning, and fending off the salesman who asked if you needed help by saying you were just browsing.

"Oh," Danielle said, sinking into one a couple of chairs down from you, "you have to try this one."

You lifted yourself up, moving over, and letting your body fall into what felt like the most supportive cloud ever, closing your eyes and setting your head back. "I could fall asleep here."

It looked really like the most comfiest armchair ever, complete with an ottoman, except for that it glided. You eventually, did, however, get out of the chair, because you had to go look at other furniture.

You thought you'd just wanted a simple, white or grey crib. But, there were convertible options, which seemed like a great idea, but did you want one that converted onto a toddler bed, or one that converted into twin bed and a day bed ? And there were changing tables, which you'd never even considered. Did you need one of those, too?

"I don't know what I'm doing," you whispered to Danielle, and she looked around a little.

"Should we ask someone?"

"No, they'll probably just tell me to get everything," you said, "and the people who work here might not even have kids."

You toyed with your purse, wondering if maybe you should call your mom, but you were pretty sure she'd be driving home from work right now. And then you remembered there was another mom you call to ask: Jackie.

"Hi, honey," she asked after a couple of rings, and you explained that you were out shopping for furniture for the nursery.

"I was just wondering, do you think I need a changing table?"

"A changing table?" She asked, "Um..I mean, I had one, but I really never used it honestly. But it's up to you."

"Okay," you said, exhaling and looking at the other people in the baby section of the store, a woman who looked slightly more pregnant that you, standing with what you assumed was her husband's arm around her, both of them looking down at a crib together and discussing it together, and making the decision together, even though they probably knew just as little as you did.

"Are you alright?" Jackie asked, and you realized she was still on the phone, the store all at once seeming way too big and spacious.

"Umm, yeah," you said quickly, looking around and all of the various furniture options that surrounded you. "It's just...a lot?"

" Well, you don't have to make all the decisions all today," she said, and you had to suppose that she was right. "You know, if want another opinion, I could come out there this weekend? We could get pedicures, or lunch, and talk about it."

"Really?" You asked.

"Of course," she answered, in those same words Tyler had said to you so many times, with a similar emotion.

"That would be," you said, smiling at Danielle who was still standing near you, looking around, "that would be really amazing."

Danielle was still looking at you when you hung up, feeling much more solid in your feet now. "Tyler's mom is going to help me decide on the furniture. We can just look around, and get ideas."

This felt better to you, seeing what was out there before you made the decisions, giving you time to make sure everything would work. It started to feel fun again, and you found yourself being drawn to things that suited your colour scheme, the first of which were a set of crib sheets with blue watercolour dogs all over them.

"Did you want us to invite Tyler's Mom to the baby shower?" Danielle asked, and you paused, looking down at the package of sheets in your hand, and then back up again. For some reason, you were always so worried about making her feel uncomfortable. But, the thing was, if it wasn't Tyler's baby genetically, if you were married or with someone and having a baby, of course you'd invite her.

"Yeah," you answered, "and Tyler's sisters, too." You weren't sure they'd be able to make it (hell, you didn't even know when it was, other than that it was in March), but of course they were invited.

Your eyes locked on something from across the store, and you just had to have it: a light blue, whicker basket, shaped like a puppy right down to the whiskers and the ears. It was exactly what you were going for, and now you had inspiration. You picked up a couple of other things before you left, a neutral textured diamond rug that was super soft, and a wood typography print that said "Happiness is a warm puppy", before you went to the paint store to pick out some soft blue paint samples, grabbing some dinner before you headed home to Gerry.

He, of course, greeted both you and Danielle at the door, jumping up on your shins until you bent down to pet him, "hi, hi, did you miss me? Were you good?"

"Hi Gerry," Danielle said, once he started sniffing her, "of course you were good, weren't you?"

It was a little while later, right when you were sitting down on the floor in the soon-to-be nursery to eat your dinner, Gerry lying next to you with his head rested on your knee, both of you watching Danielle paint squares of the sample colours onto the wall when your phone lit up with a FaceTime call from Tyler. Of course.

You answered it, holding up your finger when it connected, continuing to chew, him looking like he was sitting on the bed in a hotel.

" Are you seriously eating right now?" He said, and you nodded, swallowing the piece of sushi that was in your mouth.

"Did you want me to ignore your call?" You asked, and he laughed, shaking his head.

"I guess not, no," he said, "What are you having?"

"Sushi," you said, using chopsticks to grab another piece from your plate on the floor.

"I thought you weren't supposed to have that?"

"Just not the raw fish," you said, "I got mostly vegetarian stuff." It wasn't quite as good as the real thing, but it'd tide you over."

"He's not trying to eat it?" Tyler asked, and you realized that he could see that Gerry had his head in your lap, your dinner next to him.

" No," you said, petting him with your chopsticks still in your hand. "He's being really good."

"Are you lying?"

"No," you said, "he came to work with me yesterday and everyone was saying how well behaved he was."

"You took him to work?" Tyler asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, in the afternoon. I just had some paperwork to do."

"Did he get you fired?" He asked.

" No," you laughed, "he just laid under my desk and put his head on my feet."

Tyler sighed, running his hand over his face. "Okay, I knew he'd be way better for you than he was for me, but I didn't think he'd be completely perfect."

"How are Marshall and Cash?" You asked, stretching your legs out, wondering if they too were pulling a Gerry.

"Fine. They'll probably ignore me for a bit after I get home though," he said, "How was your shopping trip? Did you get anything?"

"Ye--" you started, and then tilted your head to the side, realizing you hadn't told him you were going shopping. "How'd you know I was doing that?"

He only grinned at you. "My mom tells me everything."

Remember how earlier you said you really liked water during your pregnancy? Well, it was still true, your head rested back on the comfy massage chair, your feet soaking in warm water, and Tyler's mom in a similar position to your side. You’d only just reached for her hand, settling it over your belly, and watching her eyes light up as she felt your baby kick for the first time.

"Anyways," Jackie continued, "I got one of those changing tables when I had Tyler, but I really only used it for the first couple months? You're usually not always in their rooms anyways, and they get so kind of wiggly, it's almost just easier to change them on the floor."

"They have these things you can put on top of dressers now to use them as a changing table," you said, using your hands to illustrate what you meant, "I was looking at those?"

"They never had anything like that 20 years ago," she said, shaking her head. "At least then you can see if you use it often enough to justify buying a whole changing table."

You nodded, lifting your feet out of the water so they could be scrubbed. "I wasn't really sure about cribs, either? These convertible ones sound great, but I don't really know if I need something that can be a toddler bed and a day bed?"

"I just used the same crib for all three of my kids," she said, and you realized that it would be something to make sense to think about reusing, but you had no idea if you might have more, you were just focusing on the now. "But I've kind of found that anything that you can get as long of use out of as possible is a good idea."

"How about a bookshelf?" You asked, because you were realizing you were getting all of your questions answered right here, more so than any book you'd read, and you'd just be able to go home and choose the look you wanted, now that you'd seen all the options.

"Umm.." she said, her eyes glancing upwards like she was recalling it all, "I mean, Tyler used to climb all over his as soon as he started to walk, and it used to give me a heart attack. The girls, not so much."

So no bookshelf, got it.

"I think you can get those ones you attach to the wall," she continued, "or just throw all the books in a basket or something, so they're easier to grab when they're little."

You already had just the basket, too.

"One thing I'd really recommend would be a really comfortable glider. You spend a lot of time in it. I slept in it some nights too."

"Did you have it in your room or the nursery?" You asked. You weren't really sure, especially since you were planning to have the baby in your room for the first few months.

"The nursery," she answered, "I didn't want to wake Tyler's dad."

Well, that was one problem you wouldn't have to deal with. In fact, you'd quite happily keep your baby in bed with you until he was 5.

Or, maybe, until you started dating again. Which you couldn't even imagine.

45 minutes later, your toes were trashy polished and your feet smooth, thanking Jackie for the pedicure, and commenting how amazing it felt. "I thought you'd appreciate it," she said, grabbing her purse, "Tyler said your feet were getting sore."

Your face flamed red immediately, just thinking about what transpired when Tyler had massaged, or attempted to massage your feet.

" Are you alright?" Tyler's mother, Tyler's freaking mother asked.

"Yeah," you said, fanning your face. "Just, I get hot flashes sometimes. I'll be fine in a second."

Luckily, she bought this, and you decided to go for lunch next, only after you made her agree that this would be your treat. You were taking a sip of your lemonade, trying to decide just what you wanted to eat, Jackie admiring her pedicure, and then looking up at you. "Have you ever seen Tyler's feet?"

"Tyler's feet?" You questioned, "Yeah?"

"You know after the baby's born, when they take their hand and foot prints?" She asked, and you nodded, "he had these really long toes, right? They were kind of ugly, but also really cute. Anyways, the doctor comes in afterwards because they thought the nurse made a mistake or something, I guess?"

You nodded, following what she was saying.

" And his second and third toe on both feet were webbed. Has he ever told you?"

You shook your head 'no', even though a small part of you as now hoping this wasn't something genetic. "You got it fixed?" You asked, because his toes certainly were no longer like that.

"I wasn't going to, as it's really just a cosmetic thing, and apparently it can help with sports and balance and stuff," she said, "but he was really, really upset when I think he was 8 or 9 and kids started making fun of him? So we got it fixed then."

Your heart did kind of break a little then, thinking of a child Tyler being mocked at school, or the pool, or when changing in or out of his skates. But you also bit back a smile, knowing this was something that would probably embarrass him, if he knew you knew. The rest of the lunch was quite nice, really, mostly talking about baby stuff and your heart filling with excitement thinking about putting his room together, but you couldn't resist calling Tyler after you'd hugged Jackie goodbye and gotten back to your car.

You were grinning as he answered, just ready to launch right into it. "How come we've been friends for over 13 years and you've never told me you used to have webbed feet?"

You heard him inhale and exhale, "Which one of my sisters told you?"

When you didn't respond, he then asked, "my mother?" Followed by a quick laugh.

"Your mom tells me everything, too."

He laughed louder at that, and you found yourself laughing, too, feeling unsure as to why you'd been so nervous to be alone with him again.

It was only Tyler.

Only your best friend.

#wont go slowly #tyler seguin imagine #tyler seguin #hockey imagines #hockey imagine #hockey fanfiction #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #nhl fanfiction #pregnancy #tw pregnancy

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elaera23 · 6 years

Text

Girls Night - Part 4 (Final)

Fandom: Voltage (Crossover)

Characters: MC1, MC2, MC3 x SITS / KBTBB / SCM

Contains: Humor, Smut, Fluff, a lot of swearing, alcohol and dirty talk 😈

⏩ Here you can find Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 of this Story

Again a big thanks to my amazing co-author @vega-in-wonderland for this amazing cooperation, @hifftn for their inspirations of the bidders’ stories and @justjen523 for correcting everything 😘💕

Summary:

The dark Prince crushing on a female Karno and female Partheno seducing our beloved flirt of a thief. And that’s only what happened in the background while our drunk ladies openly put the guys to shame! But the drunk always state the truth, don’t they? While they are making the guys burn up in embarrassment, it shows that there may be deeper feelings behind these words than they’d believe themselves. Something that may or may not apply to our dear uptight Minister. See for yourself.

MC1: MC from Scandal in the Spotlight

MC2: MC from Kissed by the Baddest Bidder

MC3: MC from Star Crossed Myth

MC3: You know I’m quite fond of him even if he can be stoic, severe and a stick in the mud sometimes.

MC1: Yeah, we know you have a crush on Ziggy. And you love his hair.

MC3 [blushes]: No it’s not like that…

MC2: Suuuure.

Leon: Look at the goldfish – our divine kitchen scale has a secret admirer?

Zyglavis [blushes]: No, I’m sure she just meant it in a friendly way…

Ichthys [starts singing]: MC3 and Ziggy, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Scorpio: Shut up problem child or I swear I’m gonna break my rule of not hittin’ a woman!

Ichthys [hiding behind Dui]: Eeeek, scary Scorpy, stay away from me!!!

MC3: Anyways, last week I wanted to bring him some of his favorite chocolate, the one they sell just across the street from my apartment. On my way to his room I saw Ikky sneaking away and instantly got a bad feeling about it. I mean, I love his pranks, but sometimes they go overboard, especially with Zyglavis. He let me in and the moment Ziggy closed the door the whole fucking room just… exploded.

MC1 & MC2: WHAT?!

MC3: Yes, the mattress, the cover, all the pillows, the cushion of the arm chairs, even his shelf with the books, everything blew up in our face leaving the whole room in chaos, shattered material falling down on us like snowflakes in winter. After everything calmed down I realized that he was holding me in a tight embrace, protecting me from what happened just moments ago.

MC1: Aaaaw so cute! That’s something I could use for my lyrics – well, maybe without the exploding pillows and stuff. [laughs]

MC3: It was… quite sweet. He just kept holding me, asking me if I was okay. I looked deeply in his silvery eyes and nodded. [sighs] It felt like a dream. He even forgot to chase after Ikky, something he usually does right away. Just when it would have started to get awkward, I realized how ridiculous we must have looked with all that stuffing material scattered all over us.

Zyglavis: Despite her initial reaction from the explosion, she still found herself able to laugh over such a reckless and dangerous prank. Honestly Ichthys, it is one thing to direct your pranks at me but to endanger MC3? [shoots Ichthys an incredulous look] Though, I cannot deny how adorable she looked at that moment. [smiling wryly]

MC3: I know that Zyglavis puts a lot of emphasis on his hair, even if he would never admit it. So I carefully asked if I should help him getting rid of all the things that were stuck in it and surprisingly, he accepted.

Karno: Well, this is a surprise; Zyglavis actually allowed someone to touch his hair? What a nice novelty.

Leon: Considering the fact that he could have just snapped his fingers… [smirks]

MC2: To be honest, I don’t see anything strange about what happened…

MC3: I’m not finished yet… So, he hands me the most beautiful brush I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and we sat down on the remnants of the destroyed bed. He gave me a cautious look as he freed his ponytail from the band he was wearing so it would be easier for me to remove all the stuffing that had found its way into his beautiful purplish-blue hair. He let his strands gracefully fall around his shoulders and even though they were tousled and covered with stuff, I was mesmerized by the beauty his hair was exuded. A little distracted by the gorgeous view I carefully began to remove feather by feather out of the long strands, touching his silky hair as if it were a delicate flower. Zyglavis seemed quite tense, but I assumed it was just a side effect from the explosion we just witnessed a few minutes ago. The moment I started to pull my fingers through his strands, carefully combing the tips, a soft moan escaped his lips…

MC1: Whaaaaaat?

MC2: Oohh that is kinky, so what happened next?

MC3: Well… I-I ehm… I wasn’t sure if it was just coincidence, so I repositioned myself, one leg on each of his sides and then carefully started to comb his strands from the base to the tips and… Wow. He just totally lost control over his normally strict demeanor… So, I was curious how far I could go, how much he would be willing to let me do. The more I stroked his hair, the more he let go. His head fell back and his lips were slightly parted as another sexy moan filled the air. He was soooo relaxed in a way I’ve never seen before. I was so turned on by the sounds he was making and the way he was leaning against my chest seemingly lost in sheer pleasure. I got so flustered by his mere touch and the tingling he caused in my body that I had to excuse myself. Totally flustered I quickly apologized to him and ran out of the mansion into my apartment where I immediately took a very cold shower.

MC2 [laughs]: Oh, my poor friend He really got you all wound up huh?

MC1: Such a shame you didn’t do more. [smirks]

MC3: What?! N-No, of course not! He’s not interested in these kinds of things, especially not with me…

MC1: Oh come on hun! He totally likes you, otherwise he would’ve never let you touch his precious hair!

MC3: C-Can we now just change the subject please?

Scoprio [raising an eyebrow]: So Zig… Ya making fun of me for accepting food from her when you let her brush your hair?

Huedhaut [now studying the drinks menu]: Let’s not forget he embraced her, which is presumably the reason he forgot to chase after Ichthys, isn’t it?

Leon: You’re all forgetting the most important part, he pulled the stick out of his ass for once and obviously melted in MC’s hands. It seems Ponytail is finally of an age to be interested in such things.

Teorus: Yeah, who knows what would have happened if Goldie hadn’t run away?

Huedhaut: I think you can tell judging by the color of his face.

Zyglavis [his cheeks on fire]: All of you, that is quite enough! And more importantly where is Partheno? It’s been a half an hour since-

Partheno [stumbling back to the table]: Sorry, I just took a walk outside.

[Ichthys & Teorus grinning]

Ichthys: Suuuure, we know what THAT means! [winks]

[Waiter brings the girls another round of cocktails]

MC1: Does anyone want my cherry?

[Dui turns his head, ready to speak up but Scorpio slaps a hand over his mouth]

Scorpio: Are you stupid?! You’re not blowing our cover for a freaking cherry!

Dui [disappointed, mumbling through Scorpio’s hand]: Buw I wan’ wone!

MC3: I’ll take that, thank you. [Pops cherry in her mouth and starts chewing, a few seconds later she sticks out her tongue with the cherry stems formed into a knot]

MC2: Wow, since when do you know how to do that?

MC3: One of the Gods does it all the time, so I thought I should teach myself.

MC2: You know what they say right? People who can do that are excellent kissers.

MC3: Yeah, I bet that guy is excellent with his tongue in other areas as well…

[Dui blushes slightly]

MC3: He could probably make you cum with a single stroke over your pussy. I’d love to find that out…

[Shadow Dui takes over the body]: Oh Baby, I can show you here and now…

Scorpio [grabs his arm and knocks him out]: Damn, his other half is annoying…

MC3: By the way it’s the cinnamon roll we talked about before – Dui.

Scorpio [snorts]: …More like a sinnamon roll.

MC2: But that didn’t sound so innocent. [laughs]

MC3: Well he is a cinnamon roll when he’s not drunk. [laughs] But it really is fascinating. Dui and Shadow Dui couldn’t be more different from each other. One side is very gentle and sweet, and the other side is wild and rough.

MC1: That sounds exciting. It’s like having sex with two different men if you think about it.

MC2: A mix of gentle and wild… I like that.

MC3 [dreamingly sighing]: Me too…

MC2: But if he constantly switches personalities, will he ever finish?

MC3: Honestly? I wouldn‘t mind going at it all night with him.

[Shadow Dui wakes up again]

MC1: If you had to choose one, which one would you pick?

MC3: That’s impossible. They are both Dui.

Shadow Dui: Oh, someone wants to be punished later… [attempts to leave the table again]

Scorpio: For fuck sake [grabs Shadow Dui by the collar] Sit your freakin’ ass down you moron!

[Dui takes over the body]: Huh? Scorpio, why are you making a scene?

Scorpio: …I’m so done with this shit.

MC3: Honestly, I’m so curious about him, I actually thought about tempting him a little bit. Of course I would do it in an innocent way…

MC2: Oh yeah?

MC3: Yep! Since he loves cherries so much I would make some marmalade and invite him over to let him taste it – he could lick it off my finger of course, while I innocently look into his eyes.

MC2: That’s the exact opposite of innocent…

MC3: I can imagine him licking it off of different places on my body leaving hickeys all over my skin.

[Scorpio looks at Dui, fearing Shadow Dui is about to take over his body again]

Ichthys [pokes Dui]: Hey, Dui?

Dui: [has a predatory gaze in his eyes]

Scorpio: Ok, now he’s frozen.

MC1: Oh I know! Hickeys are soooo hot, don’t you think MC2?

MC3 [thinking: I’m sure Scorps is fighting with Shadow Dui right now, trying to stop him from doing anything stupid] [chuckles]

MC2: That is something I definitely endorse.

MC3: Yeah… that and scratch marks.

MC2: Oh, you’d have to be a real monster in bed to just casually leave scratch marks…

MC1: [chuckles]

MC3: What’s wrong?

MC1: No, I was just remembering something about our leader. He has a “monster-mode” as well, when it comes to composing music.

MC3: And just what was it you remembered about him?

MC1: Well the incident with Kyo wasn’t the only thing that happened in the week where the A/C was broken… Actually it was quite dramatic to be honest. One day I made myself some caramel tea in the kitchen late in the evening.

MC2: How can you drink tea when it’s so hot?!

MC1: Some magazine wrote an article about how to survive a heat wave the best. And they said it’s good to drink warm things as the body automatically cools down as a result. As I was low on sugar I added some caramel to gather enough energy to finish the lyrics. Anyways, I was sitting on the cool floor when I realized I was stuck with my lyrics. Taka had shown me his idea for the music, but I couldn’t entirely remember it anymore. I went up to his room and knocked but didn’t receive a response. So I carefully opened the door and nearly got slayed by the heat wave that came out. Thinking back I realized I hadn’t seen him in over a day. When I entered his room, the window was closed and completely fogged; it felt like I just stepped into a sauna… I saw him lying on the floor next to his chair motionless, just wearing his boxers, caramel wrappers scattered around the whole place. For your information, caramel is his favorite sweet.

MC3: Oh lord, what happened?!

MC1: I was quite sure he fainted due to the heat and because he had certainly forgotten to eat and drink again while he was composing. My body moved on its own to check his pulse which was way too weak and his breathing was strained. I started to panic, but my emergency mode turned on and I automatically turned him over on his back and started performing CPR, hoping his pulse would stabilize.

MC2: And then? I mean was he okay?!

MC1: I was so full of adrenaline that I couldn’t even enjoy his half naked body or realize that after two or three rescue breaths he started to move again. Still fully concentrated on giving him the next rescue breath I suddenly felt how his long fingers moved through my hair from behind and then he just… kissed me. First he was gentle, caressing my lips with his, slowly exploring my mouth with his tongue; I mean it was just…. Wow.

Nagito: Leader, you kissed MC1 and didn’t tell us?! How is she? Does she taste good? [grins]

Takashi: A gentleman does not kiss and tell.

Kyohei: Doesn’t sound very gentlemanly to kiss a girl who thinks you are dying and tries to revive you. [smirks]

MC1: At some point he pulled away, seductively licking his lips and with a sensual smile the only thing he said was “Your taste brought me back to life, I want more”. He leaned in again and in that moment I snapped back to my senses. I just stood up, surely blushing furiously, excused myself and ran out of his room. I couldn’t look him in the eyes for over a week. By the way, same counts for Kyo after the bath incident.

MC3: …And you are telling me I should have done more with Zyglavis when you don’t even have the guts for THAT?!

MC1: S-Shut up… it wasn’t so easy… I ehm... really like Taka, I mean he is a genius and all, but I’m sure the kiss was more of a reflex to my CPR and nothing more. [blushes]

Kyohei: Damn Taka, you of all of us?

Takashi: What?

Kyohei: Don’t “what?” me! Why didn’t you tell us you had feelings for MC1?

Takashi: I was still half-unconscious so I barely remember it... [blushes]

Kyohei [smiling knowingly]: Yeah, sure. [shifting his gaze back to MC’s table, muttering under his breath] Like I haven’t known him for over a decade…

MC2: Well, he does sound like a very intense guy… They say still waters run deep, don’t they?

MC1: That certainly applies to him.

MC3: [sighing dreamily]

MC1: What are you fantasizing about?

MC3: Huh?

MC1: I know that look, what were you dreaming about?

MC3: Well, now that you’re asking, there is a guy in the Department of Punishments, Krioff. He’s quiet but somehow intense at the same time. So much that I had a pretty vivid daydream about him a few days ago…

MC2 [claps her hands]: Oohh, isn’t that the muscle-man with the dangerous hand you sent us a picture of some time ago?

MC1: He looks soooo hot… I really have a thing for men with silver hair… So please give me some details hun!

Iori: What, she likes old farts? What the hell is she talking about?

Ryo: Hey I’m not an old fart!

Nagito: You think grey would suit me, Ryo? I would do everything to attract her attention. [smirks]

Kota: No, your cock would do everything to get her attention.

Kyohei: Considering the fantasy she blabbered about I don’t think it’ll take a lot for Nagi to get it.

Dui: Krioff, what is she talking about?

Krioff: How the heck should I know?

MC3: Well… I imagined him being my teacher. And we did all kinds of… things.

[MC3 thoughts move back to her daydream, as a picture of Krioff appears in her mind]

Huedhaut [lifting his gaze from the menu]: Krioff, a teacher? This sounds interesting.

MC3: He has this utterly strict demeanor so I’d love to take control and see him flustered for a change. God, I bet he is a real beast between the sheets! When he’d be teaching a class, I could hide under his table, slowly open his pants, kiss his thighs…

Leon: Oh-ho, Krioff are you listening?

Krioff: [almost burning up of embarrassment]

Zyglavis: Krioff, calm yourself I can already feel the temperature rising!

MC3: Of course I’d first tease him a little by slowly rubbing his cock through his boxers, and closely observe how he reacts in front of his students. I would see how he tries to stifle the surprise on his face due to what’s happening beneath the table and how his cheeks turn slightly pink. I wouldn’t rush as I know he had a full lesson to spare. So I’d free his already semi-hard cock from the narrowness of his pants and slightly lick the pre-cum off the tip. He’d inconspicuously snatch a view beneath his table to lock eyes with me while I was still caressing his now rock hard length. I’d throw him a seductive smile pressing my index finger onto my lips already knowing he was complete putty in my hands. I’d slowly trail my tongue along the throbbing vein on the downside of his hardness up to the tip. And girls… he is huuuuge! So in my fantasy I assure you I’d give him the best blowjob he’s ever had.

[MC3 makes a short break to take a deep breath and suppress the throbbing that began to form up again in her core, sweat shimmering on her temples]

MC3: Puuhh, is it getting really hot in here or is it just the excitement of my story? [laughs]

Scorpio: Damn it Krioff, compose yourself! Your hand is already heating up the whole fuckin’ bar!

MC3: Ok where was I – aahh yes! It’d turn me on so much to see how he tries to keep his composure while I was suck his godly cock, taking his whole length between my luscious lips. After a few more sucks he would bury his large hand in my hair, clearly savoring the pleasure I was spoiling him with. I could feel how he was getting closer to his release and just as he was ready to cum I would abruptly stop. He’d let out a whimper and try to push my head down again, eager for his own release. “Professor is everything alright?”, a concerned student would ask. He would lightly cough and assure he just had a headache. Suppressing a chuckle I wouldn’t want to be too cruel so I’d start to rub his cock again while my tongue swirled around his tip. My biting and sucking quickly bringing him to the edge again, and I’d let him push my head down his hardness at a faster pace. I could catch a glimpse of his face, his free hand covering his forehead, eyes tightly shut and his lips slightly parted.

I could hear his panting and the moment he finally releases he furrows his brows, letting out a loud sigh, knowing well he was suppressing far sexier sounds, as he spilled all his delicious cum into my mouth. Gladly swallowing every drop of it, I’d let him catch his breath. He’d gently caress my face, a smile playing around his lips, thankful for the joy I brought him on this terrible Monday morning. He wouldn’t be aware that I still wasn’t done with him for this lesson.

MC2: God girl, this is SO hot, now I’m sweating too! [starts to take of her cardigan]

MC3: I’m not finished yet. [smiles]

MC3: After class he would pull me out of the room without saying a word, leading me to his office. He’d push me onto his table, my legs straddling his waist. He’d shred my soaked panties with his teeth and fiercely lick my wet pussy like it was the most delicious ice cream he ever tasted…

Krioff [abruptly stands up]: I gotta use the bathroom!

Dui: Krioff, what are you-

Krioff [blushing even more]: Shut up!

Scorpio: Let him go, as long as it prevents him from burning down the whole friggin’ place! He already turned a cushion into ashes!

MC3: He’s not the only God I fantasize about though… There is this intensely hot one, who is also an artist and-

MC2: As hot as Ota?

MC3: Oh honey, they don’t play in the same league. They don’t even play the same sport. Honestly, everywhere he goes all the women lose their minds within a five mile radius. He is mature, sophisticated, charming and the epitome of sexiness…

MC2: You know those are nearly the same words which I used to describe Shunichiro? [smirks]

MC3: Oh! Well sorry hun, I mean Shun is hot but, Lou is a God with thousands of years’ experience, I don’t think he is fit to hold a candle to him. Not now, not ever.

Eisuke [furrows his brows]: What the hell does that woman mean “with thousands of years’ experience”? I thought the talk about those so called “Gods” and their so called “abilities” was just some kind of joke?

Baba: Mmhh… I also thought they were just talking about some strange game. I mean, there are games especially designed for women. What are they called… otame… omate… No wait… otome games!

Ota: Why the hell would you know something like that?!

Baba: Shut up, Ota. You are not in the position to ask me such a question after what I learned about you today.

MC3: He once suggested to paint me naked… I actually wanted to say yes. But I’d prefer if he did body painting on me directly.

Tauxolouve [muttering under his breath]: We can arrange that anytime, little lady…

MC3: And then we could ravish each other on a big piece of paper and see what kind of art our lovemaking would create.

[MC1 & MC2 are on cloud nine]

MC3: But he never has relationships that last longer than two weeks. What a stupid rule.

MC1: Two weeks is enough to fuck your brains out.

MC3: Not with him honey… not with him. I could orgasm on the spot just by looking at him. If it were up to me he could spend eternity inside me.

MC1: Spend eternity inside me… [starts daydreaming]

Kota: There she drifts off into her own little world again.

Ryo: It’s the source where all her lyrics come from, so don’t complain about it.

Kota [blushing]: I’m not.

MC3: Earth to MC1! Come back to us!

MC1: Huh? Uh, sorry girls.

Kota: She’s such a klutz.

MC1: Hah, one my colleagues always teases me about my habit of daydreaming.

[All gazes shift to Kota]

Kota: What’s wrong about stating the truth?

MC2: Oh, that one you always say behaves like a cat?

MC1: Yep, that’s him… Heh. [grins evilly]

Kyohei: Prep yourself, Kota, after tonight we know that grin means no good for any of us.

MC3: What is it?

MC1: Oh, I was just thinking that he even behaves more like a cat then the others know.

Nagito: Huh? What did you do, Ko?

Kota: …

MC1: One day he came home very late after a shooting, and I was still in the living room working on lyrics, when he sat down next to me and fell asleep right on the spot.

MC1: I took a picture of him, look.

MC3: What is it about guys always looking a hundred times more adorable when asleep?

MC2: I know right? [bewitched by the photo]

MC1: Oh wait hun. He didn’t notice of course, because he was completely knocked out, but in his sleep, he positioned his head right on my lap. He looked so adorable, and before I realized what I was doing I had already started to fondle his neck, and guess what he did - he let out the cutest purrs.

Nagito: Aww, Ko really is like a cat!

Kota [blushing furiously]: Shut up, this is the first time I’m hearing of this!

MC1: Oh there is more, he even started to curl his fingers into my dress, leaning further into my touch, as if he wanted more. [chuckles] Of course I couldn’t resist in making a record of this unique incident. You wanna see it?

MC2 & MC3: Umm… YES!

MC1: [shows video]

MC2 & MC3 [squealing]: AAAAWWWW…. Soooo cuuuute!

Kota [his face bright red]: Dammit, I’m a MAN and not CUTE!

Kyohei: Yeah sure Kitty.

Scorpio [looks at Leon and clicks his tongue]: Tch. Great, as if one pussy isn’t enough to handle.

-- a little later --

MC1 [sipping on her cocktail]: Wow… This one tastes excellent.

MC3: Let me try. [takes a sip] Hm. It’s okay, but not as good as the alcohol one of the Gods makes. I swear, it’s the best thing you’ve ever tasted. You should come over and have a taste if you two have the time!

Leon: Oh-ho, I am pretty intrigued by that idea. [smirks]

Huedhaut: [disinterested, not averting his gaze from the magazine he is reading]

MC3: Last time, we had a small gathering at the mansion, pretty much everyone was hammered, so I decided to shake is cool demeanor a little.

MC2: What did you do?

MC3 [smirking]: Heh… Well, I was quite drunk as well, so… I went up to him and told him straight up that I think he is totally into me.

Zyglavis: Like the wisest man in the heavens would fall for a trick like that.

Huedhaut: [covers his increasing nervousness by sipping on his wine]

MC3: He said „you’re right, all I think about is you and how much I want to devour you“ in such a monotone voice… I swear, if you look up the word “sarcasm” in a dictionary you’ll find his picture right next to it.

MC2: What a jerk…

MC3: I didn’t let it end like that of course.

[The rest of the Gods raise their heads]

Leon: Hue, what is the meaning of this?

Huedhaut [flipping the page of the magazine]: Wouldn’t you like to know.

MC3: I acted hurt, came closer and put my hand on his cheek, saying „but I have fallen for you… I know you don’t feel the same way about me but... I wanted you to know, or else I would have regretted it, I’m sorry“, as I gazed deeply into his eyes, slowly starting to close the distance between our lips.

MC1: Did he fall for it?

Zylgavis: No.

MC3: Yes!

[Zyglavis spits out his drink, his eyes as wide as saucers]

MC1 [laughs out loud]: You’re a genuis!

MC3: His large hand cupped my face and just as he was willing to kiss me I smiled proudly, gave him a small peck on the cheek and left him standing there, totally perplexed about what happened a moment ago.

Huedhaut [face as red as a tomato]: So this is what humiliation feels like? In that case I’m not really interested in experiencing it ever again.

MC2: You’re a bad, bad girl MC3! I like it!

Karno: Hmm… This is kind of surprising. I wouldn’t have thought that MC3 would be so inconsiderate, in the light of the fact of the kind of relationship she had with Hue in her past life.

Zyglavis: I have to agree, MC3 is usually so thoughtful and aware of other people’s feelings.

Huedhaut [gaze lowered, mumbling]: The fact that she doesn’t know about our past relationship may excuse her behavior.

Leon: What do you mean she doesn’t know?

Huedhaut: What part of this phrase is confusing you in particular? I never told her.

Leon [looks at Hue incredulously]: Don’t you think she has the right to know? You will clear this up Hue, otherwise I will.

Huedhaut: Fine, I will seek the necessary dialogue with her the next acceptable opportunity.

MC3: By the way girls, there’s something I’ve been worrying about…

MC1: What’s that?

MC3: Did you ever have a dream that felt SO real that in the end you couldn’t tell whether it was a dream or something that actually happened?

MC2: Yeah, I’m still hoping my current life is only a very realistic dream that I’ll soon wake up from.

MC1: Tell us from the start, what happened?

MC3: It was with the sleepy God. You know, this guy really loves marshmallows, so I took him shopping with me. When we were done it started to rain cats and dogs, we were soaking wet when we arrived at my place. We took a bath - MC1 stop smirking like that – separately and he offered to stay with me until I fell asleep.

[The Gods are looking at Aigonorus who dozed off in his chair]

Tauxolouve: Figures.

MC3: The thing is, he is super cute… especially when he is sleeping. So I didn’t really mind that he embraced me… [remembers the evening]

[Tauxolouve taps Aigonorus on the shoulder]

MC3: He has such strong arms and I absolutely love his smell. Like a mix of heaven and marshmallows.

[Tauxolouve is now violently shaking Aigonorus’ shoulder]

Aigonorus [still half asleep, mumbling]: …Whaddaya want?!

Tauxolouve: Be quiet and listen. She is talking about you and it’s criminally cute.

MC3: So we fell asleep. I dreamed that he wouldn’t wake up in the morning, and he was defenseless so… I crawled under the sheets as I position myself between his legs, slightly parting them so I could sit more comfortably. First I trailed kisses down his belly along his treasure-trail, playfully running my finger along the seam of his shorts always checking if he was really asleep. With no sign of waking up I simply continued by slowly pull his shorts down so I could finally take care of his already slightly erected manhood. I treated him really gently, moving my hand up and down his cock, licking it like a delicious treat until it was ready for my lips. I observed him the whole time, carefully checking that he did not wake up. His breathing quickly became fidgety, the muscles contracting to my movements and the best part was that he even softly started to moan, his eyes moving under his lids - he was clearly dreaming.

MC2 [smirks]: …And what a nice dream it was.

MC3 [grins]: Only the best for my sleeping beauty.

Aigonorus [blushing hard]: …

Tauxolouve [completely baffled]: Forget what I said about that cute stuff.

MC3: After a few more minutes he even grabbed my hair unconsciously which made me shriek back for a short moment, but he was still dreaming. So I continued to pleasure him, reading the reactions of his body that let me know he was getting closer to the edge. The moment he finally came a long moan escaped his lips, his big hands tightly grabbing my hair, his cock throbbing in my mouth, spilling his delicious cum into me. As I “cleaned” him up I carefully pulled his pants up again and positioned myself back in his arms. He woke with a start just a few moments later, his forehead dripping wet. “Is everything ok Ai?”, I asked him innocently. “Y-Yeah, e-ehm… Just had a v-very vivid dream”, he replies, his cheeks visibly flushed. “Oh… I hope it was about me... I smiled sweetly. “S-Sort of… Meh. You would never do something like that“, he said before lying down on the bed again, pulling me into a tight embrace, so unfortunately he didn’t notice the smug grin on my face.

MC1: What was it that you were worrying about again?

MC3: Oh, right! Well, I woke up for real later on and he was already awake, looking at me with loving eyes, gently whispering “That was nice, let’s do that again sometime”, and without another word he left, leaving me completely baffled. So I don’t know whether I was dreaming or if I actually did THAT and fell asleep again and couldn’t remember later-

MC2: Calm down MC3, I’m sure he only meant about the marshmallow thing with his comment!

MC3: You may be right.

Aigonorus: …Yeah, the marshmallows and something even sweeter.

Taxolouve: What do you mean “something even sweeter”?!

Aigonorus: Meh. You don’t have to know everything Lou.

[All gods look at Aigo, not sure if he was joking or if there was more behind his comment]

MC3: Okay ladies, enough of the dirty talk, let’s go to the dance floor and dance our asses off!

MC1: Yeah, let’s go and show those guys how to have fun!

MC2: Awwww, what a pity, i wasn’t even finished with all of the bidders! [laughs]

MC3: Haha, we have plenty of time hun, tell us next time [winks at MC2]

[The girls stand up and cheerfully walk onto the dancefloor, not sure what the night still holds for them]

THE END (?)

**** Credits **** Vega and I wanted to thank every one of you for your amazing support, all the comments and your awesome feedback! It was planned to be a humorous series which should brighten up the reader’s day and I was really touched to hear that we were able to actually move some of you. Please let us know what were your favourite parts, what did surprise you the most and let you laugh the hardest - we are really curious to know! We hope some of you will also support us in future projects (and we assure you, there will be plenty). We notice every like, comment, reblog and message you send us and are so grateful for it ❤❤❤ Have a look at my Masterpost for more content or at Vega’s running series “The Rise of Aries” if you want to support us further ❤ With lots of love

Tamara & Vega

****

Tagging: all my Ziggy lovers: @justjen523 @therake-1996 @starcrossedmyth-lovers @emilyplaysotome and for the others: @hifftn @voltage-my2dlove @scorpioslover @iluvsexyvoltageguys @you-wandered-here @mypaygoesto2dmen @kasurina @otomesaurusrex @kasurina @nitelotus @speakfearlessly1989 @smith623 @mrsnaaz

#voltage fanfic #voltage crossover #scandal in the spotlight #star crossed myth #kissed by the baddest bidder #fanfic #voltage #girls night series #my fanfiction #sits #kbtbb #scm #scm fanfic #kbtbb fanfic #sits fanfic

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davidmann95 · 6 years

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I haven't been able to tolerate a comics news site since ComicsAlliance shut down so what news out of SDCC is actually worth knowing about?

I’ve gotten so many questions regarding SDCC-related news that I figured I’d just do one big post, and this seems as opportune an ask to build that off of as any. To kick off, in terms of news that’s not for me but is a big deal, there’s a trailer for the next season of Doctor Who, and Star Wars: Clone Wars is shockingly coming back for a final reduced season years after the fact. Congrats to the fans of both franchises! Plus yesterday we got the announcement of Orlando and Foreman’s Electric Warriors for DC (as well as Orlando’s Dead Kings with Matt Smith at Aftershock Comics) and the Wonder Woman/Justice League Dark October crossover.

So first and foremost in terms of the reaction it picked up, OH MY GOD:

youtube

It’s like the Bat In The Sun team handed over their production to their shitty kids but made them work off a third of the budget. I kept seeing the jokes about it on Twitter, and I kept thinking they were surely hilarious exaggerations, AND NOT A ONE OF THEM EVEN SLIGHTLY WAS. At least it now makes sense why Hawk and Dove is here, given the Liefeld connection: this is 90s as helllllllllllllllllllllll, and while a part of me hopes it swerves unexpectedly in a couple seasons into Fun 90s DC with Starman and Wally West and an Electric Blue Superboy and Titans One Million, I can’t pretend I wouldn’t gleefully hatewatch this if it wasn’t behind a paywall. What it really comes down to is that, as I saw someone mention, the over-the-top content warning at the beginning isn’t actually by any means to get rid of anyone under 18, but specifically to appeal to them over anyone over it: there is nothing about this show not precision-crafted to appeal to teenagers watching something they technically aren’t supposed to, since anyone older than that will just laugh until the stars grow cold. And while it’s one line in particular that’s rightfully drawn all the attention, to me the clear defining moment is Beast Boy taking his big goofy dramatic leap, and you expect him to transform, but that ain’t happening (I fully expect he’ll just have claws and growl and do assorted Wolverine shit instead), because that kind of thing is for STUPID KIDS, whereas this is RAD.

RAD, dare I say…to the EXTREME.

Also, the pilot Robin’s scene was presumably drawn from was written by Akiva Goldsman, Greg Berlanti, and Geoff Johns. So was it the guy behind Batman & Robin, the guy behind the CWverse, or the recent President of DC Comics who ushered FUCK BATMAN into the world? Because all three of those possibilities are equally hilarious. In any case, the rubicon has been crossed: easily one of the top ten, probably one of the five or so most iconic superheroes of all time said fuck in a piece of mass media. Where we go from here, nobody knows. But at the very least I’ll take the L for my original certainty that this would take place in the CW DCverse, because that clearly isn’t going to be the case. Though boy, imagine if it was. Personally I like to imagine this is a totally normal DCU, and suddenly going full 90s and murdering a bunch of people is their universe’s version of normal teen rebellion.

Additionally, it’s now seemingly set in stone that the fourth DC Universe live-action show alongside Titans, Doom Patrol, and Swamp Thing will be a Stargirl show where Courtney Whitmore learns about her legacy and tries to track down the Justice Society, described as in the flavor of Superman ‘78 and Wonder Woman. Again, if it wasn’t behind a paywall I’d check it out.

And before turning to comics proper, we learned from WB itself that there are no plans to idiotically pour millions into making a functional Justice League Snyder cut a thing, unsurprisingly making some of the worst people on the internet be just the absolute worst (I’m interested myself in it artistically even if I don’t think it would be very good, but at this point it would feel like a validation of some really rotten people’s behavior if this happened). Meanwhile the first trailer for the Dragon Ball Super movie dropped, and yeah, I’m still happy to see Broly. This looks big in a way Dragon Ball for all its action rarely gets, and seeing Paragus suggests Toriyama understood what worked about the original flick, which is a very good sign. Did they swap out Vic Mignogna as Broly though? Wouldn’t blame him, I know he’s said he hates the part, but surprising nonetheless. And the Spider-Man game dropped another trailer, along with a ‘Velocity’ bonus suit designed by Adi Granov.

The big comics news of the day was of course the long-awaited confirmation that Green Lantern is being relaunched - apparently as The Green Lantern - in November by Grant Morrison and Liam Sharp. What’s surprising is that Morrison’s currently insisting that since the last decade or so of the franchise has dealt with constant upheaval and cosmic apocalypse, his run is going to scale back down to a character-focused study of Hal (“He’s a loner and a drifter and he’s an unreconstructed man. It was nice to do that and to go a little bit old-fashioned with it. He doesn’t belong here at all, you know? He’s longing for the heavens, and to be back up as a Green Lantern. We’re doing Hal Jordan where, you know he’s a good cop, but is he really a good guy? And we’re looking into his relationships and how he deals with people. And also the fact that, if you’ve got a job as a space cop, it’s hard to be stuck on the planet Earth. He has other lives on other planets.”) amidst him going about his duties and dealing with weird alien crimes and space threats, such as stopping aliens from ‘parking’ a planet-sized artificial megastructure near a sun and causing damage to nearby worlds, and solving the murder of a gaseous lifeform.

I doubt it’ll necessarily stay there forever - his Batman and Action Comics runs, after all, were both initially marketed as staying on the smaller side by his standards, and the one idea we know of Morrison having once had for the Green Lanterns back in the day was making them a multiversal force. But it’s remarkable how, well, normal this sounds coming from Morrison. Clearly this must be a passion project if he’s doing a monthly again for the first time in 5 years, especially since DiDio mentioned he had to be persuaded (ultimately persuading himself as his attempts to brush off the proposition led to him thinking about the possibilities and rapidly talking himself into it) to make time for this amidst an incredibly busy schedule of surely more profitable and creatively unshackled projects, but on the surface level? This sounds like the closest Morrison has come since his JLA days to writing a regular superhero comic. At this point in his career, I’m very, very curious what that’s going to look like. Just hoping he read the King/Shaner oneshot on whatever reread he surely went through to catch up on current continuity. And also hoping this guy was right that it’ll turn out “the REAL construct that was limited by our willpower and imagination all along was…REALITY.”

On smaller notes:

* Kelly Sue DeConnick and Robson Rocha are taking over Aquaman, with an opening arc that shows him washing up amnesiac on an isle of forgotten sea gods. DeConnick seems to be like the Jeffs Lemire and Parker where my appreciation of their work is limited to very, very specific slivers: none of her Marvel superhero stuff I’ve read did anything for me even if I could see the talent behind it, but her Lois story in the last issue of The Adventures of Superman was pitch-perfect (and also had a great Aquaman bit!). This gets at least an issue from me.

* DC announced new titles for DC Ink and DC Zoom, including Cassandra Cain, Oracle, Dick Grayson, Creeper, and Wonder Woman books, while also announcing some artists for the existing titles.

* Geoff Johns is doing (ugh) Shazam with Dave Eaglesham, who showed off a really great, fun cover suggesting the possibility of a tonal shift away from Johns writing the absolute worst version of that character imaginable. On the likelihood of said possibility though, I think @intergalactic-zoo put it best. I might just check it out in trade if word of mouth is overwhelmingly positive, but then, lots of otherwise rational people liked or at least saw merit in his original crack at it with Gary Frank, and you were all deliriously, impossibly wrong back then, too.

* And finally, speaking of Johns, he’s doing Batman: Three Jokers as a 3-issue mini with Jason Fabok, a smart move given that is precisely as much as I’m willing to invest in this out of morbid curiosity. What’s really baffling though is that it’s being released under Black Label. It would seem to destroy the stated purpose of the line by immediately releasing Very Important Continuity Comics under it, but maybe this means Batman’s gonna follow in his protege’s footsteps and say a fuck. Anyway, I’m mostly just hoping it isn’t revealed Fun Golden Age Joker is actually not the original in order to rub out the prospect that he was ever truly anything but a terrifying sidekick-butchering murder machine at the center of very serious stories, because that feels to be like a real possibility. And absolute no question one of the three is gonna turn out to be the lost child of Marionette and Mime in Doomsday Clock.

#Comic Con #DC Comics #Titans #Green Lantern #Geoff Johns #Grant Morrison #Opinion

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theabominableblogger · 6 years

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My Reaction to “Gotham” S4E19

We gotta wait two weeks until the rest of the episodes!!! Which is actually a pretty smart move because “Infinity War” premieres next week.

Initial thoughts and predictions about the last three episodes of S4 are included as well after the reaction.

AN: I managed to record my reactions to this episode and hopefully I can transcribe what I said into this post.

*imitates the Epic Voice Trailer guy doing the Gotham commercials*

OK, this recap is totally full of spoilers for me because I haven’t seen those episodes yet so this is my first time seeing Ra’s in action and I’m trying to catch up with this show...

What did they inject her [Tabitha] with?

OK Barbara, what are you doing?

*Some League Members sneak attack Barbara* Oh wow!

“How should I know?!? You’re ninjas!” That’s... racist...

“I’m [Barbara] the Demon’s Head. My hand is a freaking lightbulb!” *snorts*

So the Demon’s Head can tell.. the future... with the flashlight hand? OK...

Bruce, your car’s so loud!

“You don’t have a covert mode on this thing?” No, cause it’s not the Batmobile yet!

*Bruce quiets the exhaust down* Ohhhh... there we go!

“All I know is it’s about Barbara and it’s important.” WHY? Why would you go along with that?

Bruce, why? Just get back in the Batmobile!

“Barbara needs our help.” Why?

They’re gonna bring him [Ra’s] back from the dead?!?

I like this music here [that plays when the other League members take some of Bruce’s blood to bring back Ra’s]

Ohhh my God!

Ooooohhhhhh my God!

Wait, what about the Lazarus Pit? Can’t they use that? Just... throw him in?

Yeah, didn’t Sofia get shot in the forehead? How is she still alive?

“What am I [Ed] to you [Lee]?” Good question.

What the hell is this storyline? Like, where are we going with this?

Freaking Oswald...

That sass, oh my god...

DID HE [Ra’s] JUST RIP OUT THE DUDE’S THROAT?

I knew Barbara wasn’t gonna last as the Demon’s Head!

Ohhhhhh who called it?? I did!

“I heard your offer. And here’s my counter...” Bite me.

“Bite me.” There we go!

“Ohhhh... God, are you kidding me?!?!?” HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

“We did not come here to fight.” No, you [Oswald] came here to mope. And bitch and complain, Oswald.

“Little advice: be sure to skim some off the top when she tosses you aside.” What? I’m sorry, what?

“Turns out the old boy’s club don’t appreciate a woman calling the shots.” I don’t think it’s that....

“I [Barbara] need to do my own thing.” Uhhhhhh.... Barbara, no...

How are they doing Ra’s half-dead zombie mouth? Is that prosthetics or CGI?

“You [Barbara] think that [the lady in the painting] was you? She was just a whore...” Ooooohhhh....

“You really thought you were an incarnated queen? But in truth, you’re just an unstable nightclub owner whose greatest accomplishment was the murder of her own parents!” Oooooohhhh....

Now there’s more flesh on his [Ra’s] hand now. There we go.

OHHHH... WOW!

WE GOT SWORD-FIGHTING RA’S AL GHUL! YES!!

*accidentally whacks laptop with a clothes hanger in excitement*

Oh that looks AWESOME!

*Ra’s impales a League member through the back with his sword from across the street* OHH WOW!

Bruce just looks pissed!

Are they [people from the Narrows] eating bugs?

Oh yeah, she’s [Lee] like the leader of the Narrows

When is Lee gonna get back to Gotham?

“You don’t get it, Jim.” No, I don’t get your [Lee’s] storyline.

“We’re gonna kill the son of a bitch [Ra’s].” How?

Why does Bruce have to the one to kill Ra’s?

*laughs* Uhh, what?

I like Alfred’s suit

Ohh my God! Haha, they’re [Alfred and Tabitha] pretending to be married!

[Selina gets lowered down through the roof to steal the knife] *starts scatting the Mission Impossible theme*

And they [the embassy security] don’t even notice the knife being gone!

No cameras were on or anything that caught that? Really?

I don’t like this whole split personality thing going on with Ed.

I don’t like this...

Or... plot twist! What happens if like both personalities figure out what’s happening and they kinda *claps hands together* merge together or something like that? I don’t know.

Selina, what are you doing?

“Give me [Barbara] the knife!” Noooo

“Stay back, muffin!” “Don’t you even go there, love!” Hahahaha!

*Barbara points a gun at Bruce* Really?

*Barbara shoots out the tires* Oh, that’s mean...

Nooooo... they [Tabitha, Barbara, and Selina] took the Batmobile!

“That lovestruck moron, Ed, is floating down a river of dopamine deep within the primitive circuit of my brain and I need you to help me drown him.” Ohhh.. wow.

“And how big is the score?” “Uh, about a hundred million. A piece.” Ohh, big payload.

“Stabby-stab!”

“Maybe call back up?” “I [Barbara] did! Here they are!” Really?!?

“Selina, we’re strongest when we’re together.” But this is a terrible plan!

Does she have to do a special spell or all she has to do is lift up her flashlight hand [to summon Ra’s]?

Like “for the glory of Merlin, daylight is at my command!’ kind of thing...

Jim, what are you up to?

45 branches?!? Of a bank?!? In one city?

*Ra’s appears after the lights flicker and go out for a moment* Ohhhh that’s cool!

“Ouch.” HAHAHA!

*Ra’s throws Barbara through a glass window* Oooooohhhh, wow!

*Bruce runs in and tackles Ra’s off of Barbara* Ohhhh, Bruce in with the assist!

What?

Oh, it’s the future!

*Barbara sees Ra’s kill Tabitha* Ohhhhh....

Wait, it’s another future thing!

“[Ra’s] You win. Just don’t hurt her [Tabitha].” Oh snap.

Ra’s funeral outfit that he’s wearing currently, with the hood, looks pretty sweet. And with the ascot tucked into the vest.. that’s nice stuff.

*Ra’s starts transforming back into himself after getting the Demon’s Head back* Uhhhh... everybody run?

Ohhhhh.... wow!

*Ra’s breaks the knife in half* Shiiiiiiitt!

Bruce’s probably like “Man, I gotta learn how to do that Stealth Hi-Bye in the shadows like Ra’s does!”

Oh he [The Riddler] double-crossed them [Oswald and Butch]!

“If you come against Lee, you come against me.” *cue incredulous look toward screen*

Take a shot every time Oswald goes into crazy yelling mode

Wasn’t it like a few episodes ago where the Riddler broke Oswald out of Arkham and they had their whole working together thing?

I like that shot of Ed putting on the bowler hat

Lee...

“[Lee] You know your rights.” Oh wow. Cold!

Barbara, what are you wearing? That’s hideous.

*Barbara’s League members pledge their loyalty to her* Ooohhh, so she has her own army now?!?

Ohhh... OK, things are getting interesting!

Can’t they just forge it [the knife] back together?

*Bruce leans in to kiss Selina* Oh oh ooh ooooohhhhhhh....

*Ra’s interrupts* OOOHH!!

Has he [Ra’s] been there the whole time?

“You have no idea what I’ll become.” “Of course I do. At least, what you could become.” He’s telling the future!

“When I took back the Demon’s Head, I saw a vision of a cataclysmic event soon to befall this city.” No Man’s Land!

“A cleansing fire that will purify, destroy, create.” Ohhh..

“I will use it as a mighty forge, molding you into a dark knight of Gotham.” Aaaahhhh!!

Oh wow!

OK, does that mean that for the No Man’s Land storyline coming up, does that we’re gonna get a “Batman Begins” kind of situation? Where they would have to close off the Narrows and leave Scarecrow to go nuts in there.. and then...

“A cleansing fire...” yeah, they’re gonna try to burn it down! Yeah, it’s gonna be like the Great Fire of London and burn Gotham down to the ground. Are they gonna have that as well as the earthquake? Because with No Man’s Land, the earthquake caused the government to segregate Gotham from the rest of the world (like no one was allowed in or out). So how is this gonna work?

Or maybe Ra’s hasn’t seen like the whole future yet... no, he has to know, because Barbara had that whole Butterfly effect thing with seeing what decisions were bad for her to make. So maybe he’s not telling Bruce the whole truth...

And with Season 5, if we ever get a Season 5, is gonna be a soft reboot because they’re gonna bring in more Batman-related elements so probably in the season finale, Bruce is gonna step up his vigilante game and all that (but I highly doubt he’s gonna go full Batman at the age of 18 like whoa, little soon, buddy).

And promo pictures of some of the villains doing their own thing were released already, so that’s probably how this season’s gonna end. Wow. Because we have Jeremiah stepping in as the Proto-Joker (who looks eerily like young Jack Napier from the 1989 Batman), and then all the others... wow!

And then, what’s gonna happen to Ecco? She’s his [Jeremiah] bodyguard! Like, he said that she pledged his life to him or something like that and he looked pretty freaked out when he though Ecco was in danger. I don’t know what’s gonna happen to her.... I really hope she lives. I know there’s a lot of theories going around about her.. there’s a theory that she’s gonna be Harley Quinn, which I’m not sure about.... while I kinda find it interesting, I’m more leaning toward the fact that there is another character from “No Man’s Land” named Echo, and that’s who she is. Or...theory time: what if Ecco ends up teaming up with Bruce and Gordon and she’s like “Hey, so Jeremiah’s going off the deep end and I want to make sure you guys can take him down rightfully but in order to do that, I’m gonna be a double agent for you guys and still work with Jeremiah as his bodyguard.” I can see that happening...

How is the end of this season gonna go?

#to our deaths and beyond #Gotham #gotham spoilers #FOX #the blogger reacts #looked at the stars and considered a reaction #barbara kean #tabitha galavan #bruce wayne #ra's al ghul #lee tompkins #edward nygma #oswald copplepot #no man's land #jeremiah valeska #jim gordon #selina kyle

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evenstevensranked · 6 years

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#20: Season 2, Episode 14 - “Sadie Hawkins Day”

The Sadie Hawkins dance rolls around and Louis is expecting Tawny to ask him. He ends up blowing his chances with her by trying to seem desperately desirable to all the girls. He's left to go to the dance with Monique last minute.. and Tawny goes with some popular, shirtless dude Tad. Meanwhile, Ren’s stuck taking care of a pig. Seriously. So, let’s listen to some Relient K and get into the Top 20!

This one opens with Ren getting everything settled for the upcoming Sadie Hawkins Dance. Of course she’s in charge of it. Who other than Vice Principal Ren Stevens? We see that a pig has been delivered to the school a day early, so Ren is now stuck taking care of it for the rest of the episode. Ren honestly deserves better plots. Like.. what the heck. Louis gets an entertaining, romance-y main plot -- and Ren gets... a pig. Christy Romano even said in an interview recently that working with this pig was a low point in her career, lol. Wow.

A scene later, Tawny and Ren have a little conversation about the dance and Tawny mentions that she’s gonna ask Louis!! Yeeeee! She asks Ren if she’s gonna ask Bobby, but the melodrama strikes and Ren is all “That’s actually been over for a while...” EXCEPT!!! This episode initially aired the literal day before Sibling Rivalry, which is Ren and Bobby’s official break up episode. Seriously, Disney?! I will never understand why they jack up their airing schedules so bad. At least the order of my countdown inadvertently tackles these episodes sequentially! I’d also like to mention that Tawny says the idea of the girls asking the guys is cool, but states “I don’t do Hillbilly” with an air of disgust. I RELATE TO HER CHARACTER SO MUCH???

At lunch, 6 girls who have asked Twitty to the dance swarm him, anxiously awaiting his decision. This is one of those instances where you realize... Oh, right. Twitty is supposed to be cute and kinda popular even though he hangs out with the outcasts? Okay. Louis walks over with Tom and shouts to the girls “Hey, what’s up! I’m Louis!” The girls scatter and you hear one snicker “Yeah. No kidding! So what?!” HAHA. Louis is a little salty over the fact that not one girl has come “within 50 feet” of him, yet Twitty has 8 potential dates lined up. I think y’all know by now that if I were a student at LJH back in the day, I totally would’ve been that weird girl who asked Louis Stevens lol. Tom exclaims that the only other guy with as many offers as Twitty is Tad Taylor. Some popular dude we’ve never seen or heard of, who Disney clearly didn’t want to cut a check for because he never says a word.

Twitty himself is shocked that the Sadie Hawkins thing has suddenly turned him into a “babe magnet.” Tom interjects “I’m like a lint magnet! I mean, how am I getting this stuff all over my trousers?!” *whips out a lint roller and gets to work.* Gee, I wonder why Tom hasn’t received any invites!! Tom doesn’t understand it either! “Why do all the really good looking guys with sparkling personalities get all the girls?!” he asks. Which is possibly one of the greatest lines in the entire series. Louis is left wondering the same thing! So, Twitty reassures him that no girls have asked him because they all assume that Tawny will. :)

Later that day, the guys are hanging around Louis’ locker when Tawny starts approaching. Twitty tells Louis “This is it! She was just makin’ you sweat a little!” and Tom says yet another gem: “Yeah, ya know. Girls are always doing that! ...................*cough* or, so I’ve read.” Tom seriously has SO MANY incredible lines in this episode. I don’t know how I’m gonna make it through this review without quoting every single one. This is probably my personal favorite Tom performance ever.

Louis royally messes everything up. Tawny was totally going to ask him, until he tried to be over-confident. “Yeah, I figured. You wouldn’t believe how many girls have been asking me out to that thing. Can’t keep their paws off me!” Since Tawny is the greatest ever, she’s immediately turned off and doesn’t ask him. Yaaaasss, gurl.

Twitty: I said play it cool.

Tom: “Yeah, and you played the foooooool! ...Sorry. Ya know, I just like to bust the occasional rhyme.” -- I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW FANTASTIC TOM IS.

After school that day, the guys go to Louis’ house and spin a literal wheel of dates to help Twitty make a decision. We get yet another A+ Tom moment. “Big money, big money!” he shouts as it spins... and lands on DORIS!!! HIS FREAKIN’ MOTHER. The camera zooms in on her photo and it kills me. “Oh. *nervous laughter* Sorry. That... Must’ve fallen out of my wallet” is Tom’s excuse. I don’t even fully understand this comment or why the HELL Tom (or Twitty accidentally) would put her on the wheel to begin with, but it’s hilarious. Just because it’s one of my favorite moments, I have to gif it:

That zoom in is something straight out of The Office and Louis’ reaction is the best.

Just then, Donnie receives a phone call from a random girl who called to say he’s hot. Donnie tells Louis his appeal and ability to nab dates comes from giving off a “bad boy” vibe. Louis takes that information a little too far (as usual) and transforms into the most repulsive version of Louis Stevens ever:

First of all: He’s burping here. Secondly: Yeah, Louis. Dressing like a total bum from Middle of Nowhere USA with a taped-on anchor tattoo and bag of cheese puffs is really gonna reel in the ladies.

Obviously, this attempt at being a “bad boy” did not work for Louis. It did, however, work for Tom. Who looks absolutely amazing!! haha.

“Hu hu hu, au contriare pierre!” he says as Gwendolyn, his date, appears. Are we sure this chick isn’t at least 30 years old? Is that part of the joke? No way in heck she’s in 7th grade. I always thought that was a little disturbing, lol.

It’s weird because Louis is actually already a “bad boy” ...is he not? I mean, he’s not the stereotypical “bad boy” but it’s not like he’s a nerd. He’s always getting into trouble, always in detention, etc. I guess people like the idea and aesthetic of a bad boy instead of the real thing, ayyyy!

We get a montage of Ren trying to ask numerous guys to the dance but the pig keeps ruining everything for her. It eats one guy’s lunch, farts in front of another guy, and attacks some other dude. Which means that guy is really weak, or that pig is really strong:

If this were a lame sitcom someone would shout “Aw, shucks! That darn pig!!” and the audience would erupt in laughter and applause.

Louis runs into Tawny in the hall and tries to apologize for acting stupid earlier by yelling "WHY DON’T YOU JUST ASK ME!!!!” assuming she hasn’t asked anyone else yet. Wow, Louis. Wow. But Tawny, being the badass that she is, tells Louis “There’s one little problem with your logic... I do have a date. Bye.” Yes. Just, yes. Louis is left sulking on the floor when Monique approaches him. She’s trying to give him a bag of some pig food that Ren left in her locker, but Louis jumps to conclusions and is all “YESSS, I’LL GO TO THE DANCE WITH YOU!!” before she even says anything lol. Even though that wasn’t Monique’s plan, she agrees to go with him. So, in the end Louis basically asked a girl to the Sadie Hawkins Dance... that’s not how it works, Lou.

That banner tho... “GALS GIT YOUR’N FELLERS for the SADIE HAWKINS DANCE!”

CUT TO THE DANCE! Monique isn’t there yet. So, once Twitty and Tom arrive with their dates, Tom gives us his last great line of the episode: “I gotta say, we’re all a little worried about ya. Truth be told I had Doris on standby.” Louis is so insulted: “DORIS? YOUR MOM DORIS?! No, Tom. I’m NOT gonna go out with your mom!” -- The way Shia says this gets me every time. He informs them that he was “asked to the dance” by the head of the cheerleading squad -- Yeah, that’s a bit of a fib, Louis.. but I’ma let it slide. Louis thought he was going to the dance with a hot cheerleader.. but Monique shows up in full hillbilly mode.. complete with blacked-out teeth and everything. Meanwhile, Ren is stuck in the pig pen. She’s purposely dressed to kinda look like a young farm girl so this is one of the only times I’ve watched this show and thought “wow, Christy actually looks 14.″

Lawrence Jr. High is really dedicated to ~immersion~ I guess, because Principal Wexler gets up on stage and speaks in the most ridiculous southern accent. Like... I always wonder... How do people from the south feel about stuff like this? Wexler announces that the square dance caller for the night is STEVE STEVENS. Oh my freaking god. Steve is the best, hahaha. He pops up outta nowhere like “HOWDYYYYY” and a crowd of 30-something-year-old adult extras stare back at him, confused and unimpressed.

Yeah, Gwendolyn probably is 30+ years old.. because apparently the majority of LJH students are grown adults. Either that or... Did these adults not get the memo that it’s a dance for middle schoolers? Why is no one concerned that adults are partying it up with 13 year olds? WHO LET THEM IN?! *shrugs* But, seriously. Disney couldn’t find some KIDS to attend the dance? Come on, now.

Monique invites Louis to square dance with her and Louis says "I'm not a square dancer, I'm more of a circular kinda guy." Idk I just kinda like that line. Tawny shows up with her date, the popular silent boy Tad Taylor. She and Louis spend their night trying to act like they’re having a great time without each other. Tawny is specifically trying to make Louis jealous and it’s pretty great. They give us these dramatic slow-mo shots of them dancing and glancing longingly at each other from across the room. I love it. There’s also a bit where Monique takes the call “Swing your partner round’n round!” a little too seriously and I can’t help but laugh:

I will always be a sucker for a good obviously fake dummy gag.

That crazy swing ends with yet ANOTHER Louis stunt double flying into (and destroying) the pig pen. I seriously never realized how many stunts happen on this show!! There has literally been a stunt every week of this countdown as of late! Anyway, the pig gets loose, runs to the principal’s office, and starts oinking into the intercom. That’s basically the end of the pig subplot.

Louis is scarred from the twirling incident so he hides from Monique in a tiny, little pig house. For whatever reason, Monique looks for Louis in handfuls of hay! WHAT?! She literally holds some hay, looks at it and asks “Louuuuis???” I kid you not:

WHY IS THIS SO FUNNY

She eventually finds him, of course. Right around then Wexler announces that it’s hitchin’ time! While Monique excitedly asks Louis to go get hitched, Tawny looks on and decides to get hitched to Tad before them as a way to get back at Louis... and it works. He’s all depressed watching the two of them up on stage. Monique can clearly see he’d rather be with Tawny so she encourages him “Go get her, cowboy!” So Louis ruuuuuuns up there and interrupts the “wedding.” Which is something else that must be gif’d:

“If ya’ll wanna get hitched, say waaAHHH-HOOO!” I love how Margo is laughing as she shouts “waaaahhh” lol. That zoom in on her confused face as Louis runs up there is too good.

Louis objects and claims “This whole wedding is a mockery!” To which Wexler says “Oooo! You’re a sharp tack, Stevens” as he points to a sign that says “Mock Weddin’s: 5 Cents.” That’s one of my favorite moments ever honestly.

Tawny pulls Louis off stage and out into the hallway where they end up having a really sweet talk where Louis admits to messing everything up. It’s so nice, complete with tinkering romantic piano in the background and everything, haha. I love their dynamic so much. So, yeah. They makeup and square dance the night away to royalty-free, generic bluegrass music.

And that’s it!

I like this one a lot. Tom pretty much MAKES it, he’s so good here. I obviously adore the Louis/Tawny content as well. It’s just a fun and solid episode overall, imo.

Question: Did your school ever have a Sadie Hawkins dance? I remember both Even Stevens and Lizzie McGuire (among other childhood shows, I’m sure...) had Sadie Hawkins episodes. So in Junior High, I remember waiting for my school to hold one but it never happened. For the longest time I was under the impression that Sadie Hawkins dances only existed on television. To this day, I still kinda believe that lol.

Thanks for reading! Chime in via Disqus below please. :)

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5hfanfiction · 7 years

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Arch Rivals 4

Trigger Warning : Talks about abuse and drug use. Please read with caution.

Nothing prepared Lauren for the reactions her body got from kissing Camila. Lauren felt alive again, she hadn’t felt this way since before her mom died. Camila was the one that deepened the kiss as Lauren brought her hands to Camila’s hips trying to bring the girl closer to herself. Lauren wasn’t sure where any of this was coming from. Did she really like Camila or was it just because Camila was the first person in her life to actually care about her. Why though? Why would anyone care about her? That’s right no one cares. The voice filtered through her thoughts.

Lauren again was pulled out of her thoughts as Camila’s hands had made there way behind Lauren’s head and where playing with the little hairs back there. Knowing that they need to breathe soon Lauren pulled back from the kiss. Lauren looked at Camila’s eyes that where still shut as Camila tried to calm herself down enough to look at Lauren. All Lauren heard though was a small, “woah” as Camila opened her eyes and looked back into bright emerald eyes. The amount of hope that she could see in Lauren’s eyes made her think that maybe she had finally gotten through to the girl.

Lauren wasn’t sure why but she was smitten with Camila and wanted to find out more about the girl now that she wasn’t trying to destroy her on the court. “Um, would you maybe want to get out of here and go get some ice cream or something?” Lauren asked nervously.

Camila was taken aback by the fact that Lauren wanted to go out with her like in public where people could see that they were talking to each other. I mean wasn’t it Lauren that was the one that initiated all of the tearing down as she put it. What was Lauren getting at by wanting her to go out with her I mean there had to be a motive right? Was it to get at her for trying to be a part of the team? Was it some ploy to get under her skin?

“Hey if you don’t want to all you had to say was no?” Lauren said with a rejected tone that was turning harsh, when Camila said nothing for a good minute.

“No. I mean yeah ice cream sounds great, but Lauren can I put some bandages on your welts again because they look like they’re infected?” Camila said bashfully.

“Yeah I think that would be okay but let me take a shower first maybe then it will be a little easier.” Lauren said grabbing her stuff and holding the door waiting for Camila to walk through.

Who was this girl and why doesn’t she show this side of herself more often, maybe then more people would truly care about her and she would have more people to rely on. “Yeah that probably would be better.” Camila grabbed her things and walked next to Lauren back to the locker room.

Lauren grabbed her stuff and went into the shower, as Camila grabbed her phone and texted her mom.

To Birthgiver : I am going out to get some ice cream with a girl from the team. I let you know later when I will be home.

From Birthgiver : That is fine and does it happen to be a date with the girl you like from the team?

To Birthgiver : OMG mom…..can I stay the night at Mani’s it’s the weekend….please Mami?

From Birthgiver : Your dad so owes me another twenty and yeah you can stay at Normani’s just let me know when you get there

To Manibear : Hey can I stay at yous later possibly?

From Manibear : I am actually at Dinah’s but she said that it is cool if you wanna stay at her house its gonna be a big sleep over anyways with all these kids here.

To Manibear : Kk that actually works out better for me right now…gtg ttyl!!

Camila finished up talking when Lauren came out of the shower with sweat pants on and a towel wrapped around her shoulders, hiding her upper body Camila just watched as Lauren laid down on the bench exactly like she had the time before. All Camila could do at the moment though was stare at the way Lauren’s back muscles moves with every stretch and strain. Even if they were covered with scars Camila still wanted to feel the way they would move under her fingers.

“Camila are you going to help me or just stand there all night?” Lauren asked looking behind her.

Camila snapped out of her trance and made her way over to help clean Lauren up. Camila tried as hard as she could to not put a lot of pressure on Lauren’s back. Camila never wanted to let Lauren feel pain again. That is when Camila knew that she had bigger feelings for the green-eyed beauty than she would ever had liked to admit.

As Camila was tending to Lauren’s back she took a chance and asked Lauren again. “Lauren have you thought about trying to go see someone about these? I mean Lauren some of them are…”

Before Camila could finish her sentence Lauren was telling her “NO! I can’t not yet. Not right now.”

Camila was at least getting somewhere now. Lauren gave her a little more even if Camila had absolutely no idea what that was yet. “Why not Lauren? Please? Who is doing this to you?” Camila hurried and wiped the tear away before Lauren would notice.

Lauren sat up and tried to look Camila in the eyes but immediately turned her head and looked at the floor. “I just can’t. I can’t let anyone else get hurt because of him.” If anyone finds out, things will get worse. I’m not just talking about you Lauren.

Camila noticed the fear that seemed to come over Lauren’s face even though she was trying to hide it. “Lauren? Can we stop this rivalry and just be friends? I mean I would really like it if we could just get over whatever it was that got in between us.”

Lauren for the first time had a thought of pure happiness and then his words popped back into her head “no matter who you try to hide from me I will find them and make them pay for you being like that.” The pure disgust that she could hear from his words was still present in her mind. Lauren could still see the look that he had given her when he found out that she was gay. Nothing would ever be able to take that way. “I think we could try.” ——————-

“So Dinah have you noticed that Lauren has been off of her game lately? I mean has she started to be more distant with you too?” Ally said as she grabbed some pillows and blankets and got comfortable on the floor.

“Yeah! Lauser hasn’t even been grilling everyone at practice anymore. I mean she is there and trying to keep the team together but it’s like she is just running through the motions. You did notice that she hasn’t ate lunch with us since the first week of practice right? I mean she grabs something says hey and then is running out the door. Really I mean where is she going all the time?” Dinah said as she got comfortable on her bed.

“We should follow her one day and find out where she’s going!” Ally said mimicking how a ninja would move.

Dinah and Normani laughed at Ally’s antics. “You two don’t have to follow her I know where she’s going.” Normani said as she kept playing the game on t.v..

Dinah and Ally both looked at the girl and waited not so patiently for her to spill the beans and when Mani didn’t say anything Ally threw a pillow at the girl to get her attention. “Well tell us where!”

Mani paused the game and turned to her new friends. “Oh yeah she has been going to the weight room, usually on the bag and every so often kick boxing.” Mani said it all like it was nothing and then went back to her game.

“How do you even know this?” Ally threw her hands up when she shrugged her shoulders at Dinah.

“Mila has followed her a couple of times and that is where they always end up.. The last two times I have tried to find Mila her and Lauren have been coming out of the locker room together and actual getting along. Well at least it looks like Lauren is making an effort to get along. Lauren mostly just lets Mila chat about whatever it is they are talking about.” Mani raised her hands in the air as she took the high score for the match she was playing.

“Wait so does that mean that Lauren is dropping the whole the Patriots are invading our school ploy?” Dinah asked curiously.

Ally and Mani just shrugged their shoulders, just as the doorbell rang and Dinah ran downstairs to grab some pizza for them all. Dinah came back in with a piece of pizza in her mouth and a box for all of them.

“Mila and Laur are so on their own with my siblings for their pizza. It was hard enough getting this one.” All the girls laughed as they dug into the pizza in front of them.

“Do you think that Lauren is just pushing the rivalry thing to the side for the sake of the team. I mean there had to be a reason for Lauren being that mad at someone right?” Ally asked as she took a bite.

“Well if it helps I know that Mila might have a crush on Lauren. That could be why she is trying to get through to her all the time. That or Mila is just trying to be a really good co-captain.” Mani added with a wink and a smirk.

Dinah and Ally looked at Mani a little taken aback, neither of them had any clue that Mila was into girls too.

“Well that makes a lot more sense now.” Dinah said sitting back against her headboard.

“I think that it is time that we had a little talk with our dear best friend Lauser and see what exactly she has against this girl because I am sorry but those two would make the absolutely cutest couple.” Ally said all excited.

“Oh my gosh yeah they can be our little Camren ship!” Dinah was getting way too excited about a relationship that may or may not happen and Ally knew it.

“Alrighty there DJ don’t get too ahead of yourself. How about we get the two girls to get along first and then we can worry about what ship name that we give them.” Ally and Mani were laughing at Dinah and her enthusiasm for something that hadn’t happened yet.

“I can’t help it that I’m excited for Lauren to finally be happy. I mean have you seen and heard the girl she is always brooding and depressed looking. It would be nice to see her happy.” Dinah stated.

“Yeah okay I gotcha there girl. Now what movie are we watching?” Mani asked turning the game off.

“I vote for Life is but a Dream!!!” Dinah yelled.

“Aaahhh!! No way!! You’re a B fan too!! I knew I liked you gurl!!” Mani said tackling Dinah to the bed.

Ally started to tune the both of them out when she heard one of the kids wake up. “I’ll be right back guys.” Ally noticed neither of them said anything to her so she just walked out of the room.

“Aw Taylor baby come her sweetie.” Ally said as she picked the little girl up. “What’s wrong sugar?”

“I miss mommy. I thought that Lauren was going to come home after the game with you guys.” Taylor’s eyes starting glistening over with her attempt to try and be a big girl.

Ally hugged the little girl tighter to her chest, “it’s okay sweetie you can cry. Don’t worry I think Lauren will be back any time now. Why don’t I get you some water and then I read you a story? Sound good?”

With tears freely running Taylor answered with a small, “yes please.”

So Ally got the girl some water and put her in bed telling her a story of how a princess fell in love with a giant and how they had to convince everyone that they really loved each other. How they overcame everything and ended up happily ever after.

Ally finished the story knowing that Taylor had fallen asleep half way through, but sometimes it is just nice to hear a happy ending instead of a cliff hanger all the time. When she finished she snuck out of the guest room and went back to Dinah’s listening to the quiet as both girls were so focused on the movie that nothing could make them move. Ally decided if you can’t beat them join them and started watching the movie. ————————————————————————————————————————————————————

”Thanks for the ice cream. I‘ll pay you back.” Camila said as the left the shop.

”Nope don‘t worry about it. My treat.” Lauren smiled.

“Do you need a ride or did you drive today?” Camila asked while they were walking outside and back to the school parking lot.

Lauren turned and smirked at Camila, “I have my bike. Let me know if you ever want to go for a test drive.” Lauren added a wink to get to Camila and it worked as Camila blushed at the statement.

Trying to change the subject Camila asked, “Where are you heading anyways?”

Camila was looking Lauren up and down as she put on her helmet. Lauren was dressed in ripped jeans and a low cut white tank top with a hot pink bra underneath and her infamous dark blue and white leather jacket. When Camila finally made her way back to Lauren’s face the girl was smiling at her.

“Like what you see Cabello? By the way I’m not going anywhere that’s important enough to acknowledge.” Lauren got on her bike and started it up.

Camila through her hands up in defense at Lauren “alright, alright. I was just asking. I mean is it so hard to believe that someone actually cares, because Lauren I do care. Even if you don’t want to acknowledge that I do.”

“You can care all you want Cabello, that is cool with me. Just don’t act like a girlfriend when all we did was share a kiss. Trust me if you were my girlfriend you probably wouldn’t get anything out of me then either. See you at the game tomorrow Cabello.” With that Lauren was driving off to who knows where to do who knows what. ————————————————————————————————————————————————————

All Camila could think was how does Lauren do that? One minute she could be the nicest sweetest relaxed person and then next thing you know a switch is flipped and she’s back to biting your head off. So Camila tried to think of another way that she could get through to the girl to let Lauren know that not everyone was out to get her. Camila really needed to talk to someone about Lauren’s secret, but still Camila didn’t want to break the secret she knew. Camila was between a rock and a hard place knowing that she needed to get Lauren help but also still not knowing enough information to get her the help she needed. Camila was getting herself all worked over the fact that she wanted so badly to help the green eyed girl that she was slowly falling for. How could anyone do that to her? Camila told herself that she was going to do everything possible to make Lauren happy and destroy the person that was hurting her. Next thing Camila knew though she was parking in front of Dinah’s house.

Camila walked into the house like it was her own seeing as over the summer she had grown accustomed to being in the house all the time to wake the younger Polynesian girl up. As per usual she found all the girls in Dinah’s room watching a movie without her. “Really Beyonce again? Don’t you two ever get tired of it?”

“Hey Mila! No one could ever get over the essences that is the Queen B.” Dinah answered.

“Hey Mila, what took you so long I thought you were right behind us?” Normani chimed in.

Camila flopped down on Dinah’s bed and got comfortable. “Yeah sorry, I got caught up with someone.” Camila thought no one would catch the smile on her face.

“I knew it! You were with Lauren weren’t you?” Normani asked excitedly.

Dinah and Ally both looked at the girl just as intrigued at the answer as Normani was. “Why are you all assuming that it was Lauren it could have been anyone?”

“Oh come on Mila. You’ve got to be kidding me right now. Lauren and you have been absent from lunch a lot and so many of our girl nights. I mean really I don’t think Lauren has ever made one. However are you going to tell us that it is all just a coincidence. ” Ally said.

“Alright yeah I was with Lauren tonight, but the lunch thing no I’m not with her then I have had tutoring sessions. I have been helping some of the girls on the team not fail english this year. I’ve only found Lauren in the locker room a few times.” Camila answered the accusations.

“Really you were with Lauren tonight? Did you two talk? Were you able to get through to her?” Dinah asked knowing that Camila had at least a small crush on her best friend.

“Yeah, no, well sort of. I mean okay don’t take this the wrong way but have you guys noticed that Lauren will talk about anything except when it is personal. Like the other day we got paired in English for a project and she was rambled out the whole project in a few minutes but as soon as I asked her how everything was going she changed the subject or just ignored the questions all together?” Camila said laying on her back and staring at the ceiling with hands behind her head.

“Well that my friend is what you just explained as a typical Lauren, she’s always been that way. Never talking about anything personal unless it is something she is proud of Chris or Taylor doing. Lauren is very protective of the people she loves. Don’t ask me how she affords to take care of Chris and Taylor let alone herself. Do you guys know we’ve been friends for over eight years and I have never once been to her house. I don’t think anyone has, all I do know is that her dad hasn’t worked since her mom died.” Dinah said.

“Yeah I’ve never been there either, and for as long as I’ve known Lauren she has always been that way. I just wish she could spend a little more time with the kids. Those two munchkins are always asking about her. I wish I knew why her dad couldn’t take care of them.” Ally added.

“Dawg exactly, like where does she go every night? Wait and see it will be like two or three in the morning before she gets here. It never fails. I just wish that she would talk to someone, at this point I don’t care who it is as long as she talks. I know something is bothering her. Something has been eating at her since her moms death. However Mila is right she loves to divert questions away from topics she doesn’t want to talk about.” Dinah said as she grabbed an extra pillow and got comfortable on the beanbag chair, feeling sad that Lauren wouldn’t come to her about it.

“Mila? Mila?” Ally was trying to get the girls attention when she looked over and found her asleep. “Well Mila lost the battle guys.”

By now all the girls were trying to fight off going to sleep, forgetting about the movie and pizza all together. Camila was the first to lose the battle and was soon off to the dream world were she was imagining a very different Lauren, one that was happy and carefree and just enjoyed being a teenager.

“Well dang it now how are we suppose to find out who she likes?” Mani asked.

Ally and Dinah just laughed, “ Mani do you really not know that she likes Lauren?”

“Yeah really watch her the next time that she talks about Lauren. Camila’s eyes brighten up and she can’t stop the little smile that takes over. It is actually really cute to watch.” Ally said.

Mani and Dinah smiled at the thought of Camila finally getting over her fear of people knowing she was into girls. Now all the girls had to do was get Lauren to talk and quit having meaningless relationships with random girls. Which is easier said then done. With that said all the girls got comfortable where they were and soon were all fast asleep. ————————————————————————————————————————————————————

“Jauregui nice job tonight. That was one of our biggest busts yet. You are one of the best assets we have on the streets right now.” Jacks told Lauren as he slid into the booth across from her signaling the waitress for their usual.

“Thanks Jacks”, Lauren mumbled while trying to stretch without hurting her back too much.

Jacks noticed that Lauren was acting a little off the last couple of days. Normally after a bust he couldn’t control the girl. Lauren would literally be jumping at the chance to get back out there and get some more. Tonight though Lauren just looked drained and exhausted like she was carrying the world on her shoulders.

“Hey Jauregui, are you good?” Jacks asked looking at the menu, his untamed shaggy blonde hair falling in his face.

“Yeah Jacks I promise. Just had a rough game today. Also this new team merger has got me all confused. I mean my co-captain and I have been at each others throats and now she knows something that I have never told anyone before. It’s like she’s the only one that gets me, to this day I haven’t even told Dinah. You know that’s saying something. Then Cabello comes along and just…boom, crack, shattered barricade laying in a pile on the floor.” Lauren used crumbling hand motions at the end so Jacks knew that there was something serious going on with the girl but how in the hell was he suppose to find it out.

Jacks stretched out in the booth throwing his legs up on the seat and placing his hands behind his head smirking at Lauren. Lauren of course was having none of his antics tonight. So Lauren mimicked his exact position and entered a staring contest with Jacks bright blue eyes.

“How old is your brother?”

“10.”

“How long have you played basketball?”

“over 8 years.”

“What’s your birth date?”

“June 27th”

“What color are Cabello’s eyes?”

“Like pools of melted chocolate, like swimming in a cup of steaming burn your mouth hot cocoa.” Lauren blushed.

“Are you going to win state?”

“Hell Yeah!” Lauren threw her hand up in a fist pump.

“Are you going to be a cop when you graduate?” Jacks was curious.

“Nope.” Lauren popped the p.

“How long have you had a crush on Cabello?”

“About six years now.”

“Aha. There it is! So what is it about this girl that’s got you so captivated? Wait is this the girl?” Jacks lost the staring contest wanting to get to the bottom of what was bothering Lauren.

Lauren was surprised that she was willingly talking to Jacks about anything. Lauren had been holding so much in though that it just felt good to finally say some of these things out loud. Then again Jacks was actually listening and seemed interested in knowing these things about her. Jacks was everything right now that she wished her dad would be. Lauren took the distraction of their food coming to get her thoughts together.

“Yeah I guess she is the one that made me realize I wanted to be with girls. I have no idea what it is about her, I think it is mostly because she has seen and broken through just about everyone of my walls that I have put up. It’s like she had x-ray vision and could tell that I really needed a friend back then and even now. Camila just has this essence around her that makes me calm down, and get fired up all at the same time.” Lauren thought about what she said and just couldn’t help the smile that took her over.

“I’ve never seen you have problems with girls though. I mean you even stole four girls right out from underneath their boyfriends, if I remember correctly. What hold does this girl have on you? Is she single? Is she into girls? Tell me the reason why Thee Lauren Jauregui hasn’t pulled this girl yet.”

Jacks wanted to desperately know who could make his little fire cracker undercover agent want to stop playing the field. Just the fact that this girl Cabello has Lauren all confused was all he really needed to know that Lauren was sprung over this girl. Now to just get Lauren to realize that it is okay to be happy.

“That’s just it Jacks she’s Thee Camila Cabello and nothing has ever amounted up to her and that was before I even knew her. Jacks this girl makes me want to spill my whole life story from the flutter of her eyelashes. Hell just from a small smile she sends this feeling into my stomach that I just can’t get rid of. I literally want to be around Camila all the time, like I am being pulled to her. Don’t tell a soul but when I am around her I just lose all my badass points. It’s like she makes me become mute. The only problem is that I like listening to her and love making her laugh.”

Jacks sat back in his previous relaxed position and just smiled at Lauren’s smile and blushing face.

“Jauregui, I hate to say it but I think you’ve caught the love bug.”

“Yeah tell me about it. How do I let her into my crazy life though? I mean there is no way that anyone is going to be with me after they find out everything that goes on behind closed doors. If you get what I mean. No one is going to want to be with an eighteen year old girl that basically has two kids because their dad is to lazy to get another job and actually even try to be a father.”

Lauren’s face went from the happiest in the world to the saddest. Jacks knew that the girl was still hiding something though maybe just maybe this Cabello girl could bring it out of her.

“Well if she’s anything like how you just talked about her then I don’t think she’s going to care either way. What I think is that for once in your life maybe, just maybe, you should do something that is going to make you happy.” “Yeah maybe. I guess I have some thinking to do. I’m gonna go, enjoy your night Jacks. See you next week.”

“Bye Jauregui. Please let the girl in. Never know she may be the one that turns your world around.” ————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Lauren decided that she was going to go for a ride to help clear her head. Lauren ended up at the one spot that she knew she probably shouldn’t be at right now. Lauren ended up at the exact intersection where her mother had died in an accident. It was one place that Lauren always went when she needed to put her bad ass face on. Why she ended up here now she had no idea. Maybe it was because this time there was no need for her to be angry. This time all she needed to see was that it was just another street corner, there was no more blood on the ground, there was no more pieces of shattered windows or chunks of metal. The only thing that was still there for anyone to know that something had happened was the small cross that Lauren had put there. Lauren knew that she couldn’t keep up the masks that she wore all the time. Lauren knew it was time that she tried to let someone in, but how does she get over the fear. How does Lauren know that if she lets Camila see every side of her that she won’t go running for the hills. Lauren knew that it was now or never.

Lauren jumped back on her bike and took off for Dinah’s house knowing that she just needed to snuggle up in a nice safe warm bed and that she would feel better in the morning hopefully.

Lauren arrived at the Hansen house around two thirty in the morning, she knew that Dinah’s mom would be up most likely so she walked over to Dinah’s window and climbed in that way. Lauren loved that Dinah never locked the window and never kept anything in front of it for her to trip over. Lauren didn’t even think twice about it being a girl’s night and changed into a big t-shirt and some booty shorts and crawled into the bed. Lauren was too tired to notice that Dinah was not the one in the bed. Lauren didn’t care though and just spooned the smaller girl relaxing into the scent of lavender coming from the girl’s hair. ————————————————————————————————————————————————————

“When did she even get here? Did you guys hear her come in?” Ally asked.

Normani and Dinah both shook their heads. “I bet you she came in through the window and didn’t remember that we were having a girl’s night.” Dinah said.

“Well I say we let them sleep and go get some breakfast, I’m starving.” Mani said as she grabbed her stomach when it rumbled.

Dinah and Ally laughed. “Alright let’s go get something. But first I’m taking a picture because this is just too cute not to.” Dinah said as she took Lauren’s phone and snapped a picture. Lauren was now the little spoon and had her hand covering Camila’s that was under her shirt on her hip. Camila’s other arm was under Lauren’s head and her fingers were interlaced with Lauren’s other hand. no one could see that their legs were mixed together under the sheets. Dinah just knew that she was going to have to show Lauren proof of the little spoon position that she had taken.

Camila was the one that woke up first when she was having trouble moving her arm because it was falling asleep. When she opened her eyes and realized just exactly why her arm was falling asleep all she could do was smile. Camila wasn’t sure when Lauren had got there and snuggled into her but Camila was definitely not going to complain. Camila tried to stay as still as possible but when she realized that her and Lauren where holding hands and all tangled together she couldn’t help herself and was wiggling around more than she thought she was.

“Lay still would ya some people like to sleep in on the weekend.” Lauren said with a raspy morning tone.

Camila smiled at Lauren trying to snuggle further into the sheets. “Lauren? Hey Lo?”

Camila tried to get Lauren to wake up a little bit and then realized that she just gave the girl a nickname. Oh shit Camila thought to herself I must be in deep.

“What is it Camila? I’m trying to stay sleeping right now because for once I actually slept through the night and you are really comfortable.” Lauren said trying her hardest to stay asleep ignoring the fact that Camila had called her Lo.

“Oh okay then that’s fine go back to sleep then. I just need one thing though. My arm is asleep and I really need it to stay attached.” Camila said

Lauren lifted up her head and slowly detached herself from Camila’s hand missing the warmth as she pulled it away. Camila had then shifted completely and was now laying on her back so Lauren rolled over and faced her. Then proceeded to try and make Camila roll over and face the other way but Camila wasn’t budging so Lauren just laid on her back but as soon as she did she immediately turned over again remembering the cuts that were still there and very much still sore.

“Sorry Lauren I forgot. Are you okay?” Camila asked turning towards Lauren again.

“Yeah I’m fine I forgot too. I guess we might as well get up now. Those three will probably be up here sooner or later to wake us up. Speak of the devils.” Lauren said as the three girls walked back in followed by Chris and Taylor who were surprised to see Lauren and jumped on her as soon as they saw her.

“Hey munchkins! Miss me?” Lauren said as she hugged the two.

“Yeah DJ said that you were going to be here last night but we fell asleep waiting for you. Were was you?” Taylor asked.

I pain of guilt ran across Lauren as she hugged the two a little tighter. “Sorry guys I was busy trying to get us some money so we can go some place nicer than that house.”

Both kids looked at Lauren and smiled. “Okay with me then. But Lauren can we go and get some ice cream from the beach please please please?” Chris was begging Lauren with the biggest puppy dog eyes she had seen in a long time.

“Yeah that is actually a great idea! Mila you should take your sister too! It would be a great way for you two to work out some of your captaining issues. Maybe a fun day would show you guys that you’re both really not that bad.” Dinah chimed in giving Lauren a you better just go along with this look.

“It’s fine with me. I will just be happy to spend some time with these guys not worrying about anything for a little while.” Lauren said with a smile. “What do you say Cabello?”

Camila looked at Normani and knew that it was planned from the beginning. Camila knew she never should have said anything about liking Lauren. “Yeah it is cool with me. I will just have to run home and get my sister and all her stuff. Give me the address and I’ll meet you there in thirty.”

Chris and Taylor were jumping for joy that they got to go. “Alright go get ready duders. I’ll text it to you Cabello give me your phone number.”

The two exchanged numbers and everyone got ready to go to the beach. “What are you guys not coming?” Lauren asked.

“Nope we already planned on going shopping so enjoy your day with the kiddos Lauren.” Dinah said smacking the girl on the back and leaving her to get ready.

Lauren wiped away the tear that escaped her hold and reminded herself that this just might be the right opportunity to tell Camila about her problems and see if the girl went running for the hills. Okay so maybe she wouldn’t tell the girl everything but maybe she could see if the girls mom was still willing to look at her back and fix it up for her.

“Lauren are you ready. Come on we’ve been waiting for a year.” Chris started complaining to Lauren through the bedroom door.

Lauren threw on a tee-shirt and opened the door. “Yeah I’m ready now let’s go you two.”

#UPDATE #series #AU #trigger warning #camren #submission #Arch Rivals

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pseudophan · 7 years

Text

Choking On Your Alibi

Rating: M Genre/tags/idk: friends to lovers/getting together, fluff, eventual smut, all the good stuff Word count: 6.3k what the fuck Summary: When Dan had first responded to a stranger’s roommate ad, he figured they’d be like acquaintances living together; simply exchanging pleasantries now and then. However as it happens they had quickly become good friends. But what will happen when Dan walks in on Phil hooking up with another guy?

based on this article referencing a reddit post about a guy who thinks he's homophobic because he doesn't like seeing his roommate with other guys

title from Mr. Brightside because that's where everyone gets their titles tbh

click here to read it on ao3 if that’s more your thing

"There's just one more thing," the man sitting across from him says, looking up from Dan’s application form.

"What is it?"

"Well so I assume it's not gonna be much of an issue for you but I'm uh ... I'm gay?"

"Oh," Dan is a bit taken aback at first, though he recovers fairly quickly, "That's cool," he says, truthfully.

Phil relaxes noticeably in his chair, he'd clearly been worried about Dan’s reaction. “I just thought you should know in case i bring any guys home. Or a guy, rather, I mean I’m not gonna bring a whole group and have like an orgy…”

“Phil-”

“Actually my sex life isn’t that interesting, I might not even bring anyone home but-”

“PHIL,” Dan has to raise his voice to get him to stop rambling. “Relax, it’s alright.”

Phil stops and smiles, “okay, cool. Good. So uh- I’ll see you Thursday then, yeah?”

“See you Thursday.” Dan gets up and walks towards the front door, casting one last glance over at the older guy before walking outside.

He is actually looking forward to living with Phil, he seems pretty cool and in the few conversations they’ve had together so far he’s gotten the impression that their interests are fairly similar.

Yeah, he thinks, this will be good.

Three days later Dan is again stood in the London flat, only this time he’s surrounded by boxes and feels a lot less optimistic. He’s still excited about the new living arrangements, but after a full day of moving, the knowledge that he has to unpack all his stuff makes him regret every life decision he has ever made.

“Do you need some help?” Dan is dragged back to reality by Phil’s voice, sounding rather amused.

“Huh?”

“You look a bit overwhelmed, we could order pizza and then I’ll help you unpack?”

“Phil, I fucking love you,” Dan replies, chuckling, and lifts one of the boxes off the floor. “I’ll start carrying these to my room and then you can order the pizza?”

“Sounds like a plan.” Phil smiles and reaches for his phone.

The pizza arrives after about half an hour, just as they finish unpacking the first box. Phil pays the delivery boy - with his own money as he refused to let Dan spend as much as a penny - and brings the food upstairs, figuring they’d eat as they work.

“So,” Phil says as Dan opens the next box. “Tell me something about yourself.”

“Like what?” Dan asks, looking up from the newly opened box.

“Like anything, if we’re gonna be living together I’d like to know more about you.” Phil picks up a plushie from the box and holds it up, “what’s the story behind this?”

Dan laughs and grabs the plushie, placing it on top of his wardrobe. “There’s no story, I won it for my girlfriend in one of those claw crane machine things.”

“That is a story,” Phil says, smiling. “If you won it for your girlfriend then why is it here?”

“She kinda threw it at me as I left her house after we broke up.”

“Oh. I’m sorry?”

“Nothing to be sorry about, it wasn’t the most passionate of relationships. I like the plushie though, so i kept it.”

“Is it like a reminder not to put up with things that don’t make you happy?”

Dan stops, looking up at Phil. “Uh. What?”

“If she threw the plushie at you I’m assuming you were the one who broke it off, and there must have been a reason for that, right?”

“Well, yeah, she cheated on me, but-”

“There you go! Whenever you look at the plushie you’re reminded of a time you did something you maybe didn’t want to, but knew you had to in order to be happy.”

“That’s … a lot deeper than I’ve ever thought about it but I uh. I guess?”

Phil grins, looking very pleased at himself for his analysis of some random teddybear. Dan looks at him and shakes his head in disbelief.

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re a bit odd?”

“All the time,” Phil says and then he giggles , like a little kid, except somehow it doesn’t seem out of place for him. “I usually take it as a compliment.”

A few months pass, and living with Phil couldn’t be better. They have the same taste in TV and films, and although Phil isn’t into all the music Dan listens to, they do have quite a few favourite bands in common.

When Dan had first responded to a stranger’s roommate ad, he figured they’d be more like acquaintances living together; making their own dinner and exchanging pleasantries now and then. However as it happens they had quickly become good friends, and more often than not they eat their meals together.

On this particular day, Phil had woken him up to make pancakes because ‘it’s Saturday and you can’t have Saturday without pancakes!’

So here they are, in the kitchen making pancakes. Except, they’re not really making pancakes as much as thoroughly destroying the room. The batter has found its way out of the bowl and all over the counter. Long story short, Phil had attempted to use an electric mixer and it didn’t go well.

“You really suck at this cooking thing,” Dan says, laughing at Phil’s defeated expression.

“And you haven’t exactly been much help,” Phil replies. “Besides, it’s the thought that counts and all that.”

“You just keep telling yourself that.”

Then, without warning, Phil lifts the mixer from the bowl again and presses the on button, causing a shower of batter to rain over Dan.

“Oh, my God, Phil!” Dan quickly dips his finger into the batter and smears it on Phil’s cheek in revenge.

“Jokes on you, now I look like I’m wearing some epic war paint,” Phil says, before he coats his entire hand in batter and playfully smacks Dan’s ass.

“Messing up my jeans is a low blow!” Dan says, after the initial shock.

Phil just shrugs. “What can I say, it’s a good ass.”

Dan laughs. They do this a lot, jokingly flirt with each other. If he’s being honest Dan kind of loves it. It’s nothing serious, Phil knows he’s straight, and the way he flirts is clearly just banter, but it gives Dan an odd sense of comfort to be close enough to somebody that they can joke around without it being weird.

All in all this roommate thing is working out quite nicely. But of course, because the universe seems to hate him, something has to go wrong sooner or later.

One day when Dan comes home from the gym - after exercising, obviously, not just quickly signing a year long membership he’ll probably never use before getting intimidated by the very buff guys lifting weights who could all probably kill dan with one finger, thus prompting him to postpone his dream of getting ripped and instead leaving as soon as possible - he finds Phil on the sofa in their lounge. Horizontal. With another man.

Dan freezes in the doorway. He knows he should leave, or at least say something to let them know he’s here, but his legs are glued to the floor and his tongue has stopped working. Phil and the guy are heavily making out, neither of them are wearing shirts and the stranger is slowly moving his hands over Phil’s chest. Suddenly, Phil lets out a loud moan, and evidently that’s what Dan needed to wake up from his frozen state. He lets out a surprised ‘oh!’ and as much as he wish they hadn’t, both Phil and the guy hear him.

“Um,” Dan begins as he steps back from the door, frantically searching for words.

“Dan! I didn’t think you’d be home yet.”

“I’m so sorry, I- I’m just gonna, um- go.” Dan quickly walks towards his room and closes the door behind him, leaving a very flustered Phil on the couch.

Alone in his room, Dan paces back and forth. What the fuck just happened? It’s not so much the fact that he walked in on Phil with a guy, it’s how it made him feel. He feels sick. Like he might throw up at any moment. Why? He’s walked in on his parents before, and though that experience ranks as one of his top 10 least pleasant moments it didn’t make him feel physically ill. Then, a thought strikes him. Is it because Phil was with a guy ?

Dan can’t recall ever having had anything against gay people, and though he was surprised when Phil said he was gay he never thought anything negative of it. However as he unwillingly replays the scene he’d just witnessed, he can’t help but feel highly uncomfortable by it, and if it’s not the idea of walking in on someone itself then what else can it be?

Confused, and frankly quite disappointed in himself, he goes to bed and falls into an uneasy sleep.

When he wakes up the next morning, it’s due to a knock on his bedroom door. Unsurprisingly when the door opens it’s Phil, looking rather embarrassed.

“Hey… Did i wake you?”

“Yeah, but that’s okay. What’s up?” Dan knows what’s up, of course he does, but he asks anyway.

“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for last night, I really thought you’d be gone longer.”

“It’s fine,” Dan says.

It isn’t.

“Are you sure?”

No.

“Well I wasn’t exactly expecting to walk in on you getting down and dirty so I was a bit surprised, but really - it’s okay.”

Lies.

Phil doesn’t seem convinced, but he lets it slide and leaves the room, probably to eat breakfast.

Dan tries to go back to sleep but soon realises it’s not gonna happen and gets out of bed. He doesn’t particularly want to have breakfast with Phil, in fear of having to continue the conversation about last night’s awkward encounter, and so he decides to wait until he’s certain Phil is done in the kitchen. Unfortunately this also gives him an unwanted opportunity to ponder his feelings about what happened. Why is he making such a big deal out of this? He’s had gay friends before. Well, one gay friend… Okay he had a gay classmate who he occasionally talked to, but he’d never had any issues with him.

But you never saw that guy with a boyfriend an unwanted voice in his head reasons.

“That’s irrelevant!” Dan exclaims to the empty room, before silently cursing himself and hoping Phil didn’t hear his outburst.

You’re being ridiculous, he thinks to himself, careful not to speak out loud this time to save himself from further embarrassment. If he really does have a problem with Phil being gay, he’ll just have to get the fuck over it.

And he does.

That is, he thinks he has. Until the next time he encounters one of Phil’s dates.

When Phil said his sex life isn’t that interesting he wasn’t lying, it takes almost two months before Dan once again wishes the earth would open up and swallow him whole. This time he comes home from a weekend spent in Wokingham with his family just as a tall, blonde guy he’s never seen before is about to leave.

“Oh, hello!” The stranger smiles and holds out his hand, seemingly for Dan to shake. “I’m Nathan.”

Dan ignores the hand. He’s too busy staring at the telling bruises on Nathan’s neck, unable to keep his mind from imagining how they got there. After about a minute of awkward silence, Phil walks out into the hall, typing something on his phone and therefore not noticing Dan’s presence right away.

“So I’ll call you, yeah? I just saved your-” Phil looks up, finally spotting his roommate. “Dan! Welcome back, did you have a good weekend?”

Dan shrugs.

“Uh, so this is Nathan,” Phil begins, though apparently he’s struggling to figure out what to say next because what follows is just another awkward silence. Incidentally this is when Dan decides to finally chime in.

“So i hear,” he says, not meeting his friend’s eyes. He knows that he’s being an asshole, but the second he walked through the door and realised what Phil had been up to in his absence something just snapped. That was all it took for the time and effort he’d spent convincing himself he was perfectly okay with Phil’s love life to lose its worth. Phil furrows his brows and Dan knows he’s about to get a well deserved berating.

“Right, well, I’m gonna uh...I’ll just go.” Nathan doesn’t wait for a response and is out the door before either of them can say a word. The second the door slams, Phil takes a step towards Dan, his expression dangerously similar to that of someone about to commit murder.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I don’t-” Dan begins, but Phil interrupts him.

“Don’t you dare say that you don’t know! If you’re gonna be a dick, at least pretend to have a reason for it.”

“I just...” Dan tries again, but this time he trails off by himself. I just feel bad because the very thought of you hooking up with a guy makes me feel uncomfortable and frankly downright disgusted, he thinks to himself, inwardly shuddering at how horrible it sounds.

“You just what?” Phil pushes. And then, as if he’s read Dan’s mind he asks “Do you have a problem with me sleeping with other guys?”

Fuck.

“What? Of course not, I don’t give a shit who you hook up with!” Dan doesn’t mean for it to come out that harshly, and it does nothing to calm Phil down. If anything it makes him even more upset, Dan notices, slightly confused at this development.

“You know what, I’m just gonna go stay with Nathan,” Phil says and grabs his jacket, walking past Dan who’s still stood in the middle of the room.

“But I got back early to go to the cinema tonight because you wanted to!”

“Yeah, well, now you won’t have to.” Phil walks past him and opens the door. “Just to be clear,” he says, his back turned, “you’ll be okay if I sleep with him as long as it’s not here?”

Dan tries his best to sound nonchalant when he replies, “It’s none of my business what you do elsewhere, knock yourself out.”

The door slams. Dan feels sick.

He fucked up, God he fucked up. There was absolutely no valid reason for him to be rude to Phil, not to mention poor Nathan, and yet…

Several hours pass and Phil doesn’t return. I guess he was serious about staying the night with Nathan then, Dan thinks, and as soon as he does that familiar nauseous feeling returns. He can’t help but picture the two of them in bed together, naked and sweaty, moans filling the air. Already the first hour he tried drowning his sorrows in alcohol, but all he could find in the flat was a quarter bottle of wine which he drank in one go with very limited effects.

Usually if he doesn’t know what to do he’ll just google it, but something tells him the search results for ‘help i’m a homophobe’ may not be particularly helpful. An obvious solution would be to talk to somebody, but if he’s being honest the entire thing is just really embarrassing. Who does he know that has experience in awkward topics and who won’t judge him for it?

Then it hits him. Louise.

Dan had met Louise during his limited time at uni, and though they don’t meet up as often as they used to she’s still one of his best friends.

She picks up on the second ring, clearly not any more busy than Dan,

“S’up. This is Henry from last night, did I leave my pants at your house?” he opens in the deepest voice he can possibly manage.

“You know, you should probably block your number before attempting to prank call people,” Louise laughs into the phone. “And his name was George, if you must know.”

“No way! Louise has a lovelife, who would’ve thought.”

“Shut up, Howell. Why are you calling, anyway? Shouldn’t you be watching movies with your new BFF?” “Hey, you know it’s not like that-” Dan begins, but Louise laughs and interrupts him.

“Oh relax, I’m perfectly content being replaced by your cute roommate.”

“Cute?”

“Don’t even pretend like you haven’t noticed.”

Dan rolls his eyes, even though he’s aware Louise can’t actually see him.

“Speaking of, how is Phil?” She continues before Dan can conjure up an appropriate response.

“Well, uh, that’s kinda what I’m calling about-” he begins, hesitating.

“...Yes?” Louise says after several seconds of silence.

“Promise you won’t judge?”

“I will promise no such thing,” she replies, but he can tell by the tone of her voice that she’s joking.

“Alright, here it goes-”

He tells her everything, about how great living with Phil was in the beginning - although she’d already heard that part a million times before - and then how weird it had gotten lately. He talks about how he walked in on Phil with that stranger a couple of months ago, then Nathan and how rude he’d been to him.

“-and then I told Phil I don’t give a fuck who he sleeps with outside of our flat, but that just made him even more upset! He didn’t even say goodbye, just slammed the door and left. That was nearly four hours ago and he doesn’t seem to be coming home any time soon so I guess he really is staying with Nathan or something.” He stops, finally, and takes a deep breath. He must have been rambling for ages.

He’s expecting Louise to say something, but all he hears is silence.

“Hello?”

He hears a sigh on the other end. Then, “you really are an idiot, Dan Howell.”

“You weren’t supposed to judge!” He says, but she ignores him.

“So what you’re saying is that you don’t like Phil being intimate with other guys, and your natural deduction is that you’re homophobic?”

Dan hesitates. When she says it like that it does sound stupid, he must admit.

“During all this freaking out,” Louise continues, “did it ever occur to you that what you’re feeling might just be jealousy?”

“Well yeah, I thought about that, but it’s not like I never have sex either, why would I be jealous of Phil?”

“No, you doofus, I mean you’re jealous of the other guys. Nathan and...whatshisface.”

Oh. Oh.

“You haven't even considered the possibility, have you?” Louise’s voice is amused but considerate.

“I’m not… I don’t… I-” Dan’s head is filled with different thoughts and questions all battling for attention, effectively resulting in none of them being uttered.

“Alright,” Louise says, “close your eyes.”

He’s not entirely sure what’s going on, but any excuse to hand the thinking over to someone else is very welcome and so he does as she says.

“Are they closed?”

“Yep.”

“Okay, now, picture yourself kissing some girl.”

“What, why?”

“Just do it.”

He realises there is no point in arguing and goes along with it.

“How is it?” she asks.

“It’s…nice? I guess.” In a way it is, too. He’s always enjoyed kissing, and though it makes him feel like he’s 13 years old again, picturing kissing a pretty girl is definitely not something he dislikes.

“Now picture kissing a guy.” Louise’s strange request breaks his fantasy, but before he can say anything she continues, “don’t question it, just let your mind run free.”

And so he does. This picture is a lot more difficult to maintain than the last one. He struggles to concentrate, and it’s less of a coherent fantasy and more like a distant idea he can’t fully grasp.

“Well?”

“It’s...weird. I don’t feel ill like when i walked in on Phil with that guy, but I don’t feel anything else either.”

“I have one more.” Louise sounds hesitant, as if she knows he won’t like this next proposal. “Imagine you’re kissing Phil .”

He doesn’t even bother protesting. If he’s being honest he did sort of see it coming, though the idea still makes him feel highly awkward.

Here goes nothing he thinks, and lets his mind run wild. The Phil in his head is walking towards him, as smiley as ever. He stops in front of him and hesitates for a second before moving his hand to rest on Dan’s hip, then gently cups his face with the other. He moves in slowly and lightly presses his lips to Dan’s, who sighs and parts his lips slightly, inviting the other to explore his mouth. However, just as they really start getting into it Dan is torn away by a loud cough.

“Huh?” he opens his eyes and looks around the empty room before he remembers he’s on the phone. “Oh.”

“Yeah, oh . What the hell just happened?”

“What do you mean? I just did what you told me to”

“I told you to picture yourself kissing Phil, not passionately making love to him.”

“I didn’t!”

“Dan, you moaned.”

Dan’s face goes deep red and he can only thank any possible higher power that there isn’t anyone in the room to witness it.

Louise laughs. “Well, it seems like you have no problem with Phil kissing guys if it’s you he’s kissing.”

Dan almost smiles at her words, but any hints of said smile vanishes from his face when he remembers Phil wouldn’t actually kiss him, ever.

“God, Louise, what the fuck do I do?” He sighs and sinks deeper into the sofa cushions.

“I suggest you make out with Phil and live happily ever after.”

“Yeah, see, there’s a gaping hole in that plan. Phil doesn’t like me in that way!”

“Dan… are you blind and deaf or are you just simply an idiot?”

“Huh?”

“Phil is so obviously into you! Didn’t you say he got upset when you said you don’t care who he sleeps with?”

“Well, yeah, but-”

“And doesn’t he flirt with you like all the time?”

“That’s just for fun! It’s not like he means it.”

“Is it though?”

“I mean…I think it is. Oh God, what if it isn’t?”

On one hand the thought of Phil liking him back fills Dan with so much joy he could barely contain himself, but on the other it scares him half to death. Not only has he never been with a guy before, but Phil is one of his best friends and the thought of fucking that up terrifies him.

“Dan?” Louise’s voice is quiet and careful, as if she’s afraid she’ll scare him. “If you want my advice I say take some time, think everything over and then if you decide to tell Phil I will be here cheering you on.”

“And if I decide not to?”

“I’ll still be cheering you on, just with less enthusiasm.”

Dan chuckles. “Thanks. I love you, did you know that?”

“I’ve always suspected. Goodbye and good luck!”

“Bye.”

The next few days are agonising . His newly discovered crush ends up staying at his boyfriend-or-fuckbuddy-or-whatever’s house for three days, leaving Dan to re-think his decision over and over until he’s certain he will actually go insane. At first he decides not to do anything and just hope the crush will disappear on its own. Then, four hours and a fair amount of alcohol later, he changes his mind and suddenly telling Phil seems like the best idea anyone has ever had. It’s a good thing he didn’t charge his phone after the long chat with Louise because he tries his best to drunk dial the man in question, but the battery dies before any harm is caused.

By the time Phil finally arrives back at the apartment Dan has been back and forth so many times he’s given himself whiplash. In the end, though, he decided not to tell Phil. It’s not worth it, he thinks. Our existing friendship is more valuable than my need to snog him.

And if a little voice in the back of his head is yelling bullshit! at his claims, he is skilfully ignoring it.

A week passes and Dan is frustrated.

Then another week and Dan is in agony.

Being around Phil before he realised his feelings was bad enough, but now it’s downright torturous. More than once he finds himself staring at Phil’s lips as he speaks, or follow his hand as he raises it to brush his fringe out of his eyes or scratch his jaw or fuck knows what else.

Phil hasn’t brought up their argument, nor the cause for it, since it happened and Dan is more than happy to pretend it never happened. Nathan hasn’t been around since that day and Phil hasn’t been outside enough for Dan to suspect they’ve met anywhere else, and although he knows it’s selfish he can’t help but hope it will stay that way.

It doesn’t, of course.

“Hey, Dan, have you seen my phone?”

Dan looks up from his laptop screen to see Phil standing in the doorway of the lounge, looking mildly stressed. He chuckles at his flatmate’s expression and ponders the question for a few seconds.

“Have you checked the bathroom?” he says, finally. “I’m not entirely sure but I think I may have seen it in there earlier.”

Phil walks away and half a minute later Dan hears a triumphant “Hah!” coming from the bathroom, making him chuckle.

“It’s been missing for hours,” Phil says as he reenters the lounge and falls down on the sofa next to Dan. “Two missed calls from my mum, several snapchat notifications and- oh.”

“What?” Dan asks, confused.

“Uh, it’s nothing, nevermind.” Phil smiles at him, but contrary to popular belief Dan isn’t a complete idiot, and keeps pushing.

“Come on. Is there anything wrong?”

“No, it’s just… Nathan texted me?” It’s not a question, but the nervousness in Phil’s voice makes it sound like one, as if he’s unsure whether he’s allowed to receive texts from boys. Fuck, that makes Dan feel like a shitty person.

“Oh.”

“He’s asking if I want to go out for a drink tonight.”

“Oh,” Dan says again. “Are you going?”

Phil shifts uncomfortably in his seat, clearly conflicted. “I want to, but I don’t wanna make things awkward between us again so if it bothers you for whatever reason I won’t.”

Dan wants nothing more than to tell Phil not to go, to beg him never to see Nathan - or anyone else, for that matter - ever again.

But of course he doesn’t do that. He can’t. He has no right to decide over Phil’s life, and in the end he truly does want Phil to be happy.

“You should go,” he says, finally.

“Really?” Phil sounds excited.

“Sure.”

“You’re the best,” Phil says and gives him a quick hug before getting up.

By the time Dan recovers, Phil is gone and Dan can hear him rummaging around in the bathroom, presumably getting ready for his date. With Nathan. Phil is going on a date with Nathan.

Dan feels sick. It’s the same feeling he got when he first met Nathan and realised what he and Phil had been up to, except this time he recognises it and knows what caused it. Jealousy. He is so jealous he wants to scream. He might have done it as well, if it wasn’t for Phil being able to hear him.

And so he settles for crying. He gets up and all but runs to his room, closing the door behind him before he falls into his bed and sobs into his pillow. It’s pathetic, he knows it is, but right now he has no idea what else to do. He cries until he can’t anymore, and ends up just laying there, staring up into nothing.

That’s when he sees it. On the top of his closet; the stupid plushie he’d won for his girlfriend. God, that felt like so long ago now. He can’t even remember the day he got it, only her angry cries as she threw it at him after he broke up with her. No, wait… He remembers one more thing. He remembers Phil picking it up and asking for the story behind it. He remembers him analysing it, saying it reminded Dan to do whatever it takes to be happy. He remembers his giggle when Dan called him weird.

And suddenly Dan knows exactly what he needs to do.

Before he can change his mind he hurries out of bed, rips his door open and runs down the hall. Please dear God tell me he hasn't left yet, he thinks, as he all but trips down the stairs. And for once in his life the luck is on his side because there, looking both confused and concerned, is Phil. He's wearing a coat and is clearly on his way out, but Dan has already decided that Phil's date is cancelled. Sorry Nathan. "Dan, what-" Phil begins, but Dan cuts him off.

"Do you have any idea how annoying you are?"

"I-" Phil tries again, to no avail.

"My life was going great! Well, perhaps not great, but it was fine. It was calm, and I had everything more or less figured out." For the third time, Phil opens his mouth to say something.

"But then!" Dan exclaims before he can utter as much as a syllable. "But then. Then you came along. With your stories and opinions and unique way of thinking that I could probably listen to for hours on end. And your hair is neat and never curls and somehow you can dye it an emo black well into your twenties and still look good. And then you started bringing guys home and I felt so awful and I didn’t understand why and I was sure I’d somehow become homophobic."

The confused look on Phil's face is replaced by an amused smile, and this time he doesn't even try to interrupt Dan's rant.

"And you giggle! You giggle like a five year old and it's annoying and adorable and I just want to kiss that stupid grin off your face."

"Then go for it."

"Huh?"

"Kiss the stupid grin off my face. I dare you."

And so he does. In two short steps Dan reaches Phil and he doesn't give himself as much as a second to think before grabbing the front of the other's jacket and pulling him in. Their lips meet, and suddenly nothing else matters. Dan doesn't care about his newfound sexuality crisis, all he cares about is Phil's lips and how smooth they are against his own chapped ones. Phil grabs Dan’s waist with one hand and pulls him closer, then moves the other to the back of his neck and tilts his head before he tentatively flicks his tongue over Dan’s bottom lip. Dan can’t help but moan, and doesn’t even have the time to feel embarrassed before Phil takes advantage of his parted lips and deepens the kiss and then Dan is gone.

They kiss for what feels like hours. Dan is pressed up against the wall and Phil’s coat has long since been discarded, allowing the younger to roam his hands under his shirt and feel the warm skin of his back.

“Wait, shit, Dan I-” Phil pulls back, sweaty and out of breath, and rests his forehead against Dan’s.

Dan wants nothing more than to ignore him and just keep kissing, but he knows better than to force himself on him. “What’s wrong?” he asks instead.

“Nothing’s wrong, I just um-” he nods down, and Dan follows the motion, instantly realising what he’s getting at.

“Oh.” Phil’s jeans are tight, and even in the dim light of the hallway he can clearly see the bulge forming underneath them.

“I don’t want to pressure you into something you’re not ready for, so we should probably stop before things escalate.”

Dan goes quiet for a moment, still lightly stroking Phil’s back with his thumb as he thinks. He is already in way over his head, and he has no idea how to proceed with getting intimate with another man, yet there is still a voice in his head telling him to just do it. Phil definitely isn’t the only one who’s gotten worked up over their current situation, and although he could always retreat to his room for a wank, something tells him it would be a disappointing high.

Deciding that this truly is the day for trying new things, Dan takes a deep breath and looks Phil straight in the eye as he slides his hand from his back and towards the bulge in his jeans. He moves slowly, making sure Phil knows exactly what he’s doing and has the opportunity to stop him if he wants to. He doesn’t, and Dan takes it as permission to continue. Phil gasps as Dan suddenly presses his hand against his crotch, beginning to palm him over his jeans. Dan smirks as he feels Phil grow impossibly harder under his touch, noting how his breath catches when Dan slowly pulls down his zipper.

“Can I?” Dan asks, though he’s pretty sure he knows the answer already.

“God, yes,” Phil replies, and Dan wastes no time before pulling his jeans down over his hips, immediately resuming his previous actions. Now that the jeans are gone he can feel the shape of Phil’s length through the thin fabric of his boxers. Phil moans and God the knowledge that Dan is the reason for these noises is intoxicating.

In the midst of his desire to please Phil he has completely forgotten about his own hard-on, and so when Phil suddenly reaches out to undo Dan’s own trousers it takes him a second to understand what is happening.

“I’ve got an idea,” Phil says, fingers toying with the waistband of his jeans. “Do you trust me?”

Without even thinking, Dan replies “Completely,” and Phil pecks his lips before promptly pulling down his jeans. He then steps out of his own and discard them completely, motioning for Dan to do the same.

Once they’re both stripped down to their underwear, Phil pulls Dan in for a heated kiss that leaves him weak in the knees. As their lips and tongues move together, Phil moves both of his hands to Dan’s backside and, without warning, grabs his ass. Then, as if that wasn’t enough to send Dan’s head spinning, he pulls him impossibly closer and rolls his hips into the younger man’s, causing their erections to rub together and making them both moan into each other’s mouths.

“Fuck, shit, shit, fuck!” Dan desperately clutches Phil’s shirt as they continue to move together, the thinking part of his brain having long since stopped working. “How very articulate,” Phil teases, though the moan he lets out just afterwards makes it clear he’s just as far gone as Dan.

Dan moves his hands back to their previous spot under Phil’s shirt, desperate to feel more of his soft skin beneath his fingers. Taking the hint, Phil hastily removes the shirt completely, allowing Dan’s hands to roam even further. Whilst Dan is occupied with exploring every part of his body, Phil takes the opportunity to back him up against the wall once again. He then lowers his mouth to Dan’s neck and starts sucking and biting slightly at the skin there. This, paired with a particularly well aimed roll of his hips, makes Dan moan louder than he think he ever has, and if his brain was in a normal working state he’d no doubt be embarrassed.

“I’m ah- I’m close,” Dan manages, barely.

Phil stops.

He fucking stops.

“Phil!” Dan whines, trying his best to roll his hips into Phil’s again but he just steps back. Dan is just about to take matters into his own hands - literally - and jerk himself off, when Phil falls to his knees in front of him and oh. Oh.

Without a word, Phil pulls down Dan’s boxers, and just the sight of Phil’s mouth that close to his cock is enough to make Dan moan again. When Phil then licks a stripe from his base to his tip, Dan is certain he’s going to literally fall apart. This is proved even more likely when Phil wraps his lips around the head of his cock and starts sucking lightly, teasingly flicking his tongue over the tip. Just as Dan is about to tell Phil to please oh please hurry the fuck up, he takes his entire length into his mouth and holy shit does he even have a gag reflex?

Once again Dan warns Phil that he’s about to come, and Phil looks up at him through his lashes as he pulls his own cock out of his boxers and starts stroking himself as he takes Dan all the way down again. The tip of his cock hitting the back of Phil’s throat combined with the look on Phil’s face as he chases his own orgasm is enough to send Dan over the edge. He cries out as he comes, unable to keep his hips from bucking into Phil’s mouth as the older man swallows around him, not spilling a single drop.

Dan sinks down the wall, unable to keep himself standing any longer. In fact, he can’t see himself standing up ever again if he’s being honest. Phil wipes his own cum on his previously discarded jeans before turning back to Dan, who can’t help but run his hand through the ruffled black hair. He pulls Phil closer and their lips meet as Dan ignores the voice in his head reminding him that the lips he’s kissing were around his cock only two minutes ago.

“So,” Phil says as they pull apart for air. “What’s the verdict?”

“Huh?” Dan asks, confused.

“Well, are you homophobic or..?”

“Oh, shut up.”

Phil just giggles and pulls Dan in for another kiss.

------

so uh. did you like it? confession time, i haven't actually written a proper fic before so i'm nervous as HECK. hopefully it wasn't entirely terrible though ahhh

thank you to andy (jellyfics) for being my beta (and helping with the title when i was ready to Die after pondering it for ten hours) and to caitlyn (ratinof) for constantly assuring me that the fic isn't /entirely/ shit. i appreciate it.

#phanfic #phan smut #phanfiction #phan #my fic #the fuck do i tag this as

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