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prfctmxxnlight · 2 years

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let’s talk about

the snow ball

how it foreshadows byler and how it explains mike’s sudden change in behavior in the next season(s)

gonna start this by saying that (allegedly) there are no coincidences in this show, everything means something, and a big thing the writers like to do is parallel scenes and foreshadow situations with others, this is how i interpreted this characters and scenes so you are free to disagree

if something has a parallel, it is similar to something else, but exists or happens in a different place or at a different time, and it could happen between different people

i think that when people think of the snow ball their mind immediately goes to mileven and lumax, so you might be wondering how in the hell would that ever contribute to the idea of byler being endgame? you just have to pay attention to the love triangle between max, lucas and dustin

we start this whole thing with lucas asking max to dance and her agreeing, dustin being visibly upset

while all this unfolds, this random girl that no one knows and has no relevance to will in the future, asks him to dance

will reluctantly says yes, after being pressured to by mike (which he later seems to regret) and we get this shot

as viewers, we’re supposed to be focusing on dustin. this whole scene is supposed to be about him “not getting the girl”, it’s supposed to make us feel bad because he is sad, and it’s showing us that ultimately max chose lucas

but we are also supposed to “read in between the lines”, yes, this scene is about dustin and how devastated he feels max likes lucas and not him, but it’s subtly showing us the same for mike and will

the way mike is looking at will and this mystery girl is the same way dustin is looking at max and lucas, with sadness, and we overlook this because that’s how the directors and writers intended us to. we are supposed to be focusing on dustin, the audience isn’t supposed to realize that there is something else going on between mike and will, this is just buildup, subtle buildup

something i’d like to add to solidify how mike and will are a parallel to max and lucas’s relationship, is the fact that they share quite a few (romantic on the lumax side but seen as platonic on the byler side) parallels between each other, im not gonna get into it rn, but these are just a few examples

going back to the dance, we see the two couples paired together: max and lucas and will and rando, we know by now that max and lucas are endgame, there is no denying that

here’s the thing, this scene is supposed to represent that dustin’s romantic relationship/feelings for max are going nowhere, it’s supposed to show us that while he did have a crush on her, there isn’t any hope for them anymore (we solidify this thought because dustin gets a girlfriend the next season and max and lucas, although they break up by season 4, are still in love and still going strong)

obviously both lucas’s and dustin’s feelings for max are very obvious, because they want the general public to know what’s going on, there really isn’t any buildup for a future dustin and max relationship, or for a “will max and lucas end up together?” storyline, because the intention was to show the audience that they will

so again, how would this foreshadow byler?

think of it this way: max and lucas represent mike and will, so if mike and will often parallel max and lucas, this was a way showing us that lumax being endgame, means byler will be as well, really the love triangle between max lucas and dustin represents the one between mike, will and el

in this scene mike is being paralleled to dustin, showing us that while he wanted more than a friendship, that’s all he’s ever gonna get

the thing is tho, will isn’t dancing with anyone relevant, not someone who will come back and want to date him and not someone he has feelings for, if putting mike and dustin in the same position meant that it was the end of whatever romantic relationship could’ve been between them and their crush, they would’ve paired will with someone he actually likes

they would’ve switched mike and will’s places

they would’ve shown us mike asking eleven to dance in front of will, and will being the one that’s upset

in the oficial script of season 2 we see this

this doesn’t actually happen tho, instead we get mike pining over will, which i think is a clever way to subtly show that he had feelings for him from early on as well, feelings he wasn’t aware of. because while he probably did have a crush on el, he also had a crush on will. only his feelings for will had been there for a long time being mistaken as friendship, something he came to realize until that night at the snow ball

after convincing will of dancing with the girl, there is immediate regret in mikes face, (as previously stated) i think mike going for the kiss with eleven was his way of trying to see if he really has something other than platonic feelings for will, or if it was nothing (this is also the last time we get cute and wholesome mileven, right after this it’s mostly mike and el constantly fighting and having an unhealthy relationship)

i think this is the moment michael wheeler realizes his feelings for his best friend hence why we get this scene in season 3

and why right after season two, mike starts acting different

#listen i know this is a mess but it made sense in my head #feel free to tell me if this is stupid/a reach because idk if this is me being somewhat clever or just plain delusional #trust me i know this is all over the place #also i read this so many times it somehow started making sense idk #byler #byler analysis #mike wheeler analysis #stranger things #mike wheeler #will byers #i’m just gonna post this and hope for the best lmao

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byanyan · 3 days

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ㅤbeen thinking today about how byan's anger can be really scary to witness... it's very... raw. anger is the emotion they feel the most intensely, and the one they filter the least. it's raw, it's heated, and it's very instinct-driven — they have very little control over it, and they're certainly not thinking before they do or say anything. impulses are followed, whether it's to lash out and cause harm to whatever has hurt them, or to throw or break whatever is within arm's reach just to release even a little bit of the energy that's overwhelming them. they don't know what else to do with it. literally no thoughts, all that their mind can focus on is the emotion; they just want to get it out and stop feeling this way (and/or ensure the person who's pissed them off gets what they deserve) and they'll do whatever it takes to ensure that. i think that lack of control really shows too, like it's palpable in the air and adds an extra layer of discomfort and uncertainty if you're in the same room as them. concern for one's own safety is valid in such a scenario too tbh, because they have hurt people in the past who they never would have caused harm to normally (both directly and indirectly; sometimes by their own hand, other times as an unintended consequence of them throwing/breaking something). it's not something they're proud of, but they also just... don't know what to do about it. ...they're honestly afraid of their own anger, at times. afraid of what they're capable of and what they might one day do.

#there's also a lot of yelling and cursing...... screaming too but that's only in THE MOST extreme cases #and they've been known to hurt themself if there's nothing else around to take the anger out on.#or like. unintentionally hurting themself by punching walls & getting into fights and shit #this is an absolute mess it's just me spewing my thoughts to get them out of my head #one day i'll write a proper & cleaner headcanon about it... explain it better...#but i'm having a hard time putting my thoughts into actual coherent & detailed words tonight so just like. take this for now lmao #byan is such an emotional creature & they don't know how to regulate what they feel #they just feel it and must do something about it...#am i making sense?? is what i'm trying to convey coming through??#i'm so annoyed bc i can't find half the words i'm searching for to properly explain this the way i want to lmao #━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ headcanon ⋮ danger in the fabric of this thing i made.

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moonstruckdraws · 2 months

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Sage & Luci

As said before, I want this to be a QPR & I spent a while relearning what I already knew to double check myself lol. I still find these to be so fun because of the flexibility this kind of relationship has & I'm excited to explore it.

Sage is the more physically affectionate out of the two

I just love size differences lol. Luci isn't really one to ramble unless it's to rant, but she does it with Sage. She feels like she can say anything to her & Sage will being paying attention to everything. Sage is quite the bubbly person, but often enjoys listening to people instead of speaking.

Nicknames! Luci doesn't like romantic pet names. She either cringes or feels dead inside when addressed that way. In an ask Helli made to me, I said that Luci likes drinking floral teas & then it came to me; Sage addresses Luci by whatever tea she drinks that day. I thought it was so cute!! Luci would get tea from Bao's tea shop every so often & would probably be where she & Sage meet up. On days that Sage is either late or days Luci comes into the tea shop without planning on meeting up, I think it'd be funny if Sage just bursts into the shop to interrogate Bao on what tea Luci drank that day lmao.

Sage is gloooowing. I just wanted more color on the page lol. But moths are attracted to light, so when Luci learned Sage is bioluminescent, she was beyond excited & thought it was so cool. Seeing the colors & brightness made Luci come up with nicknames for Sage. She calls her a nightlight, at first in a joking manner before it stuck.

I think it'd be best to talk about Luci's view & opinions of romance, and then her & Sage's partnership so imma do that-

I don't believe I've said this fun fact yet, but Luci watches romance shows & movies practically constantly. If someone wants to watch anything romance, Luci will have a recommendation. She started watching romance because of the relationships around her. I think it's not a secret that Luci is friendless & isn't exactly the best at socializing. Her interactions with people or reselling/buying others' stuff, shouting at said customers when they tick her off, or hating people (cough Pico & Todd cough). The only time she gets along with others is during DIGG concerts (another fun fact is that she's a giga fan of them) when jamming out with people in the crowd. So, as said in Luci's introduction post, she meets Bao by going to his tea shop after being extremely heated. Making Bao her first friend. Of course, that leads to her learning Bao & Pico are together. The only other people in a relationship she'd know of would be Warren & Hypno, because of Repo. It'd leave her puzzled on the subject of a lover. She knows people date & get married & all that, but actually knowing people who are is a shock to her. Like knowing something exists but not really registering it until you've seen it in person. While trying to wrap her head around it, she sees a show playing on the TV Repo left on, it being romance. She'd take this as an opportunity to figure this strange concept & it turned into her binging and watching a bunch of them. Through watching romance is how she'd find out things that were cringe or confusing to her, & things that peaked her interest. (I think she'd just ask Bao straight up, "Why the f*ck are you dating?" That'd probably be her reaction to the news lmao in the sense of "Why Pico?" but also just "Why?")

Repo never talked about romance with Luci unless she asked, and with the lack of people she's around, she never dealt with being questioned on her interest in others & having that expectation of needing to find someone. So that kind of relationship has never been on her mind. What she's interested in, from all the shows & films, interactions she's seen, and by pure description has been the intimacy of those close relationships. It's more of a second thought that might appear time to time when watching romance that'd linger. But aside from that, she doesn't care for any of the rest.

Luci is not an affectionately giving partner that likes receiving attention. With the way she's raises & how she views Repo, she always liked getting attention. The way she grew up also made her not the most considerate person in the world unless it was for Repo (later on others), so she isn't the most showy with affection. She shows affection with others, aside from Repo, by just her presence. Even if she just doesn't talk, her being there with someone is her way of showing care. Sage loves expressing her affection through words. She may not talk as much in a conversation, but when giving praise or compliments, those are likely to make that person be in a good mood for the rest of the day. She likes making people feel good, it's a reason she's an herbalist. She manages to say all the right words & takes pride in that. They do standard cuddles & head resting and is pretty much all they do. They like to go on outings, Sage more than Luci, or just sitting around doing nothing. But they do have this thing with holding hands. They hold hands a lot when doing just about anything, but Sage would always reach for Luci's second pair of arms. And that Luci would never be the one to let go of hands, it'd always be Sage who'd have to do it & I just thought it was sweet lol.

okay that's enough rambling for me lol

#luci the moth #sage the mushroom #i believe what I wrote for Luci made sense- or maybe it didn't #this took more than 20 minutes but then again I didn't plan on it #i love their nicknames for each other #you don't even know how long gushed over on it #also Bao inclusion :D didn't think i'd mention him several times but i did lol #imma go draw Sage munching on tree bark lmao #i think they're cute together!#i have ideas in my head but im going to save myself the trouble of trying to do anything else today

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alistairlowes · 22 days

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why are you unsatisfied i'm genuinely curious

okay actually enough time has passed. like i didn’t really wanna say anything i get everyone is happy so i don’t want to bring in negativity nor certain people in my ask box but actually i don’t care everyone can call me whatever they want it's all just buzzwords to me at this point anyway.

i wish i was happy because i know looking at it from the bigger picture this is a win but i’m so annoyed on how it played out. like of all the characters why did they have to bring back converted racist misogynist lmao and do this with almost no built up. they could have literally introduced someone new and it wouldn’t make any difference.

i just can’t get over buck saying he was trying to impress tommy because girl when? you mean when you were doing whatever you were doing in front of eddie for the whole episode? why were you upset over chris talking about tommy like that then? logistically from the writing perspective weird sentence to include when that didn’t happen at all. like tim clearly knows his fanbase and that's why the whole episode was more of a buddie bait and it was intentionally framed to look like it was going to go in that direction finally but at the end they decided to subvert expectation by partially giving everyone what they want except it made no fucking sense when they made it seem like something else. and i also don't see how tommy likes buck now after whole episode of him not giving a shit about him but alright.

atp i really do believe they'll do canon buddie like what are they gonna call us crazy for believing that now lmao. but i didn't want buck arc to go like this especially not with this rando who they brought back for 3 episodes as a plot device. i can think of at least 10 better ways to write this with more care and not just “hey guess what actually” at the end. also eddie once again being used for buck’s development something something but that is a rant for separate post.

and the thing is i saw the leaks for this episode and i went no way in hell is this happening it’s so out of the blue it’s so wattpad. not the bi thing but buck and tommy. and then it actually happened. and i saw next weeks leak too and i know i’ll be pissed but heard they changed that so who knows <3 i just don't like when writers and showrunners do this will they won't they HA we gotcha now thing.

#it's funny but it also boils my blood #i'm just screaming in my head you could have written that better #happy for yall but couldn’t be me #like i get everyone is hyped for bi buck finally but you cannot tell me that tommy arc made shit sense lmao #hate hate hateee that he barely even knows him #AND I KNOW IT'S ON PURPOSE I KNOW BUT WAS THIS ROUTE REALLY ONLY OPTION #I HATE WHEN WRITING IS LIKE THIS #like it’s not that serious but everything is serious when i stay up until 4 in the morning for it #anyway #anti bucktommy #buddie #911 spoilers #no main tag cuz i ain't insane <3 #answered

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katabay · 2 months

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Do you have specific fiction authors that you like to read? What aspects of a story make you want to really dig your fingers in it? Is it horror?

I’ve got a couple! Keigo Higashino for sure. anything Naoki Urasawa does: I will be reading it. Priest (Guardian and Mo Du are all time favorites). also KJ Charles and Andrew A Smith!

ngl I don’t really have a concrete list of favorite fiction writers, I spent several days thinking about this one: like, I have favorite books for sure, but I don’t often find myself considering an author to be a favorite just because their book blew my mind. I’ve only read three of Andrew A Smith’s works, but he’s here because he gave an interview years that changed my entire approach to storytelling, and I still revisit it whenever I start editing a story.

honestly the big thing is that I like character!! I like compelling characters (extremely varied definition of compelling, it doesn’t have to be much, but it does have to have something) I like it when something goes full throttle into whatever it wants to be. I’ll watch a slow paced slice of life romance with the same amount of enthusiasm that I had for Devil Judge, and the 1vs10 beat down in Ipman takes up just as much space in my brain as the ‘let’s not see each other from now on,’ breakup in the Heirs (but for extremely different reasons lmao)

however. if I have to pick something more thematically specific: I like seeing people in power get what they have coming to them, I like explorations and confrontations of political and social injustices. kingdom is one of my favorite shows, and the horror is great, but it was the political-class-power aspect of it that solidified it as a memorable watch to me. kamen rider build did something fundamental to the circuitry of my brain. etc.

#honestly if you give me imperial Japanese soldiers getting brutally taken apart I’ll eat that shit up #but mostly I like seeing people rail against oppressors and people in power and so forth #I also love junk food romances lmao I had an alert on my phone for dinosaur love and I’m not kidding about that one #idk. I also watched all of spn and the horror was fun but secondary to the other stuff u know #unfortunately everyone who analyzes spn is textually illiterate in their ability to examine the white supremacist-post 9/11 cowboy #cop aspect of it and that’s annoying but honestly considering the demographic of the fan base. unsurprising.#horror is like my favorite spice flavor and I gravitate towards it a lot but romance has my number and so does political thriller type stuf #murder mysteries too. whatever the hell you’d call OCN’s life on mars adaption. lives in my head rent free #ANYWAY I have no idea if this made sense. honestly I like just really like stories. I like spooky stuff a lot but variety is what #makes the world turn #ask tag #it’s probably easier/faster to list what I hate: which is feeling like my time has been wasted. If I read something that feels like #it wasted my time just once I’ll avoid everything from that creator/studio for ever after

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iwritenarrativesandstuff · 1 hour

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Killua and the Power of Wishes

Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.

As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.

One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.

Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.

Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.

Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.

To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.

I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.

Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.

What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.

[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]

This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.

When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.

Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.

[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]

It's such an innocent, simple want.

And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.

In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:

Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."

Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)

Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."

And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!

So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.

10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.

Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.

It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.

Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).

"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"

The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.

Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?

Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]

Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.

And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.

This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.

It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.

[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]

I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.

However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.

Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.

[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]

I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.

But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.

Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]

Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?

Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.

[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]

Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".

I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.

...holy shit, kid.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]

And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(

What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.

In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.

Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]

Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.

Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.

They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:

As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course

Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo

I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.

Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.

The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.

So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.

Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.

It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.

Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.

Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]

Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.

Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.

Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.

And Alluka tears into him for it.

[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]

You tell him, girl.

Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?

"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.

Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.

And neither should Killua.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]

It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.

Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.

And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]

...she doesn't even have to think about it.

I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.

#oh my god this was supposed to be a brief write-up what happened 😭#ugh i feel like this is a bit of a mess and there's infinite other little points i could've made or elaborated on or interpreted differentl #but i'm so tired lmao #anyways tldr fuck you illumi you suck #killua is a snarky little shit but he also has so much love in his tiny body and i think we should appreciate him forever and ever #this also accidentally turned into alluka and nanika appreciation. i love them #nanika sweet angel i love you so much i hope you get all the head pats in the world #ghhh i'm so scared this doesn't make sense anymore i've been working on it for almost a week #hunter x hunter #hxh #hxh meta #killua zoldyck #call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective.#storyrambles #also that one scene where gon turns to look directly at killua and tells him he has fun being with him makes me jdfhbvsdjfbvh #he's so intense about it i start laughing. no wonder killua basically just went ??!?!?!?! and like. leaned back because i think i would've #done the same lmaoooo #it's very sweet though :')#argh. gotta post. i need to stop hesitating. let's go.

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