#made myself sad with this one oops

[dyradoodles]

Sephiroth Week Day 5 - Monster

"Am I...human?"

#sephirothweek #sephiroth #ff7 #final fantasy 7 #digital art #my art #sephirothweek 2022 #made myself sad with this one oops

[angelmichelangelo]

i feel like we don’t talk about how horrendous the wasteland arc of 2012 was. like, yeah the designs for the future turtles were a lil goofy but think about it. donnie’s body obliterated he’s left with a brain damaged raphael who can’t remember anything, unwillingly burdening him with not only looking after him but keep on the memory of their brothers alive. and at some point after the mutagen bomb went off, after probably endlessly searching for leo and mikey they left new york. donnie probably had to make that decision with the heaviest heart. leo, out of his mind from his second mutation probably fled the city whenever he came to, lost and confused, unsure if he was the only survivor, if there was anything left of the old leo in his mind imagine the guilt he carried when he thought his sacrifice had been worthless. mikey who probably was still sound of mind probably crawled out of that wreckage and realised for the first time in his life was alone. those brothers, usually inseparable had to at some point just accept fate that their brothers were dead/not coming back for them and move on with their lives. wasteland arc is horrible. it’s great, but it’s horrible.

#why isn’t there any more wasteland arc angst fics ???!!! THE POTENTIAL !!!! #ik we jest about that version of mikey vs sainw mikey #but think!! he was so alone for SO many years #left to go mad #and considering he had Ick and Chompy i imagine he somehow made it back to the lair thinking they’d all meet up there #only to wait for months and months and realise they were all gone…. #:((((((( I made myself sad oops #someone scream with me about this i can’t be the only one that thinks about this #tmnt 2012

[forestshadow-wolf]

CW: major character death

Soap's biggest fear is forgetting. Simon's biggest fear is being remembered.

Whenever soap goes home all he does is gush about ghost to his family. It's his little way of remembering, just little, but important pieces of simon. The way he took his tea. Their recent outing. His newest jokes. All of it.

Simon had Price and Laswell promise to scrub all traces and recors of him when he goes. Simon and the ghost would be leaving the world when he does.

One particular time soap had to go for a family emergency. Ghost was assigned to a solo mission, it would have been easier with overwatch, but not impossible to do alone. Or it would have been if intel hadn't been fucked.

There were just a few too many hostiles, and a few too many unlucky hits for him. He'd managed to complete mission objective and take out the remaining hostiles, but they had gotten some good hits on him. He was bleeding from- fuck it was goming from everywhere. It was clear he wouldn't make it to exfil, his legs had alredy given out on him, numb from the bloodloss. He already called exfil but they only make it in time to collect his dead body.

He pulled his phone from a pocked underneath his vest, the screen sported more cracks than it had a few hours ago but it still turned on. He pulled up soap's contact, but his thumb hesitated over the call button. What if it was a bad time, or maybe he was busy... but he just wanted to forget, just for a moment. And as much an he knew the likelihood of him dying alone, he didn't want to be alone for this, just for a but.

It rang. Once. Twice. Then soap answered. And simon smiled, he breathed for a moment just listening to soap. The scot asked after him in his silence. He asked how soap was doing, how his family was. And soap answered.

After some time of simon uncharacteristically prompting questions and soap answering, his breathing started to become more labored, more rasping. And soap could hear, he asked if ghost was okay. Simon coughed, it was wet and he could feel it soak into the fabric of his mask, but he assured soap he was fine.

He prompted more meaningless questions of soap, just to hear his voice. Soap answered. Again. And again. And again. And then soap asked if he was okay again. And - if he was dying anyway, he wasn't going to be ashamed to say - he panicked, just a bit. "Make me a promise?"

"Simon- what?"

"Can you make me a promise, johnny?"

"What does that mean, simon?", soap sounded worried, maybe he caught onto simon. Simon didn't respond. "Simon, what does that mean?"

"I need you to make me a promise." Simon rasped. "Please." He begged

"Fuck- yes, simon. Yes, I promise, just tell me what's going on." Soap's voice was dripping wit worry and frustration.

"Promise to forget me.", he sounded breathless even to his ears. The line was silent in response. He was almost worried the connection dropped, but the screen said otherwise. "Johnny, promise me."

"Simon-"

"Promise me, Johnny."

"Simon"

"Johnny." He was barely holding onto consciousness, exfil wasn't due for another hour. Johnny still hadn't confirmed his promise, but simon knew he'd keep it anyway. He was good like that. "I'm sorry." Sorry for putting this on soap. Sorry for dragging this out. Sorry for not going with soap when he asked. Sorry for all the things he never said. And then he ended the call.

When news came to soap his world crashed. But he kept his promise. In a way. He stopped talking about simon, or the ghost, or lieutenant riley. It was like he lost all the shine in his personality. Peoplequestion if he was okay. He never responded. Instead he kept all those bits and pieces between himself and the pages of his journal, because he couldn't bear to forget simon.

#oops made myself sad with this one #hopping back onto the angst train #el rambles #john soap mactavish #simon ghost riley #ghostsoap #soapghost #call of duty #cod #cod mw2 #major character death

[pinkyjulien]

Valentin & Mitch | 650/??  > Now leaving Night City...

Happy Birthday Cyberpunk 2077! 🎉

Congratulation again on becoming the Masterpiece a lot of us already loved back in 2020. Thanks for these amazing stories and characters, thanks for the laughs and the tears. Thanks for all the amazing people I've met, thanks for all the motivation and inspiration!

Here's hoping we'll see each other again soon, Night City 🧡

#Cyberpunk 2077 #Mitch Anderson #Valentin Da Silva #Aldecaldos #OTP: High Voltage #MLM #Screenshot #Virtual Photography #CP77 Birthday #oop made myself SAD WITH THAT ONE #dont look at me hugzehuhug im experiencing #just... thinking about how it's all Over y'know like yeah #next stop- ORION!!!!!! LETSGO

[mellaithwen]

I started writing more of the Star Wars buddie AU (because I’m watching the Mandalorian and you know who else repairs droids? Buck)

But then @tripleaxeldiaz @shortsighted-owl and @rewritetheending tagged me so I thought I’d torment you all with 6b aftermath spec instead 🥺❤️ mWAH!

Under the crisp white hospital gown, branch-like red scars creep along Buck’s shoulder, curled around his collar bone and stretching up along his neck. Delicate vines seared into pink flesh, and though he can’t see them right now, Eddie knows for a fact that they stretch down towards Buck’s chest, reaching out like roots laying claim to the body beneath.

Desperate to look away, Eddie’s eyes study the topography of Buck’s profile instead. The birthmark at his brow, the bridge of his nose; the way his eyelashes are fanned out against his pale cheeks and—

—And the endotracheal tube in his mouth. Breathing for him. Leaving the room awash with the mechanical click and hiss and whirr of a ventilator, that Eddie’s glad his son has managed to doze through.

Eddie leans forward, brave with the lateness of the hour as he reaches up to card his fingers through Buck’s curls, disheveled and unkempt as they are.

“I hope you’re dreaming of something nice,” he whispers softly as he swallows back the lump in his throat. “Someplace warm. And cozy, and….”

Eddie looks away for a moment, his eyes stinging as they land on Chris, still napping in the chair in the corner under two blankets and a coat. Desperate to stay close. Just in case.

“....and I hope we’re there with you.”

Tagging: @homerforsure @princessfbi @renecdote @littlespoonevan @fcntasmas @like-the-rest-of-la @henswilsons @hattalove @lovebuck @buttercupbuck and @hopeintheashes <3

#911fic #911 spoilers #911 fox #eddie diaz #evan buckley #buddie #oh hey I made myself a bit sad at the end oops #sure would love to finish a fic one day #911 fanfic #911 fic #911 #mellaithwen fanfic #the buckley diaz family #Christopher diaz

[thesconesyard]

Yeehaw!

When the Cactus Blooms

21. An Unconventional Steed

“How did you end up here?”

Scotty looked up at Jaylah. They were working together on another of the carts. Despite being a thief, John Harrison had had some good engineering ideas and Scotty would be damned if he didn’t use them. The first cart he had fixed was the best one they had now, and he intended to make the others just as good.

“Ye know lassie, we don’t normally ask each other such pointed questions. We all got our share of blows in this life and we don’t always want to be reminded of them.”

“Oh.”

“No, no lass!” Scotty said quickly at the expression on her face. “Ye can ask me, I don’t mind. My lows weren’t the lowest here. Just take care of some of the others.”

“Ok,” Jaylah said softly.

“I ended up here because of a unicorn,” Scotty answered, turning back to the work in front of them.

“Oh. Wait- what?” Jaylah looked at him in confusion.

“Aye.” Scotty kept his eyes down, trying to keep his face blank.

“A unicorn?”

Scotty nodded.

“Montgomery Scotty…”

“Oh fine lass, I’ll tell you,” Scotty laughed. “I had a wee brother—”

“Had?” Jaylah asked as her eyes widened.

“Have, aye, sorry,” Scotty said quickly. “I don’t get to see him…” He shrugged. “We were a pair, always up to something. Finally we got in a wee bit too deep with the wrong people. We were forced to either produce an actual unicorn, or, well, no more Scott brothers.”

“What did you do?” Jaylah demanded. “Those aren’t real.”

Scotty let out a chuckle.

“We did what any pair of trouble-making brothers would do.”

“You made a fake one?”

“Oh nae lass. We did one better. We found a horse named Aon-adharcach.”

Scotty grinned at Jaylah’s blank look.

“It's unicorn in Gaelic. We rode it together through the town. Thought we were a pair of right smart ones. Fortunately the people we had wronged found it funny as well. And here I am.” Scotty smiled again at Jaylah, before turning back to his work, but the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Can ye hand me that?” he asked, pointing at a tool, before Jaylah could ask anything else.

Scotty had finished the work on the cart with Jaylah and then had gone off on his own. He needed time to settle himself and think. Or maybe try not to think. He hadn’t thought about his brother in a long time and the memories still hurt.

He wasn’t aware of how much time had passed until the smell of something delicious wafted by. Scotty looked up from where he was sitting on the far side of the tree at the creek to see McCoy standing next to him. In the doctor’s hand was a bowl. His bottle of good whisky was in the other.

“A unicorn huh?” McCoy smiled gently as he made himself comfortable on the ground next to Scotty. He handed the bowl over and produced a spoon from his shirt pocket. “You missed dinner and you should eat.”

“Thank you love,” Scotty said quietly as he accepted the meal.

“Eat and then if you want to talk we can. Or not,” McCoy said carefully. “I won’t push.”

They sat in silence as Scotty ate, shoulders pressed together. The creek murmured in front of them and a breeze ruffled Scotty’s hair. He set the bowl and spoon aside when he was done, then leaned against McCoy’s warm body even more.

“Ye told me about yer life before, it’s fair I tell mine,” he said quietly. McCoy didn’t say anything, just joined his hand with Scotty’s.

“I lost my wee brother because of it all.”

“I’m sor—”

“He’s alive,” Scotty said quickly. “At least as far as I know. I’ve nae heard from him in years.”

“You write to him?”

Scotty shook his head. “Cannae. The people we were in with… They’d know. After the unicorn trick I made a deal to keep Robbie safe. We were lucky they’d found that humorous.”

Scotty’s head fell to his chest, and he let his memories swirl around him again.

“They wouldn't hurt Robbie and would make sure he stayed safe, on two conditions. One was he had to leave Aberdeen. It was the only home we knew, but our parents were already gone, so…”

“What was the second?” McCoy asked gently.

Scotty closed his eyes tight against the tears forming.

“I had to leave Scotland and never see him again.” It came out as a faint whisper, and Scotty felt a tear slide down his face. McCoy’s arm went around his shoulders and pulled him closer.

“I went to London, but it wasn’t enough. The urge to go back was too strong,” he continued. “So I worked until I had enough to cross the ocean. But then I would spend each evening staring at the sea. I had to go further where I wouldn’t be tempted. Here I am.”

“Oh darlin’,” McCoy breathed. “Does he know? Why you left?”

Scotty nodded.

“He didn’t want me to. But they would have hurt him, killed him if I hadn’t.”

McCoy didn’t say anything else, he just held Scotty close, and Scotty was grateful for it.

#yeehawgust #day 21 an unconventional steed #star trek #montgomery scott #Jaylah #leonard mccoy #oops I made myself sad with this one #when the cactus blooms

[lale-txt]

“What were you before you met me?" "I think I was drowning." "And what are you now?" "Water.” ― Ocean Vuong, On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous

#silvers rayleigh #gol d. roger #roger pirates #one piece #thought i rewatch some old episodes for comfort and instead just made myself so sad oop- #i love them i love them i love them #begging Oda for more crumbs of their backstory

[nicawlette]

Send a flower to hear…

@archaictold asked: 🌷🌹🌺 & 🌻!

🌷… a compliment.

❝ I'm sure the most obvious thing would be to compliment his kindness, but sometimes I wonder... if it's really a good thing, to always be so kind. I guess I wouldn't really know, since I'm sure no one who truly knows me would ever call me such a thing, but... it seems to carry the weight of expectation. ❞

❝ I think... Zhilan is strong. Stronger than me, in a different way. It sounds exhausting, putting so many other people before yourself. And yet he's so warm and gentle, that selfish people like me can't help but become greedy for it. He bears that weight unlike anyone I've ever met, and never lets it show if it becomes too heavy. ❞

🌹… a confession.

❝ But I wish he would. I wish I could see him struggle or strain under the weight of his own compassion. Maybe then... he wouldn't feel so unreachable, despite how close he is. ❞ Maybe then, she might know if the sun held any shadow of its own. Would that make it easier, to feel safe showing him her darker parts? ❝ I think he should learn how to be a little more selfish. ❞

🌺… a secret.

❝ Ah... haha, this is a little embarrassing... ❞ She is very pointedly looking away, seeming to consider whether to continue or not. ❝ Honestly I'm a little jealous... of how kind Lanlan is with other people. I mean, it's insane how many friends he's got, though it isn't surprising considering he is the way that he is. And it's not like I was his first friend or anything, so I have no right to feel possessive, but... ❞

❝ I guess I'm waiting for the moment he realizes how much work it is to be friends with someone like me, compared to them, and that it might not really be worth it. It's kinda the same with Wang Yi, but at least he's got shitty personality traits, too. Yet that still isn't enough motivation for me to be any better... isn't that pathetic? ❞

🌻… a suggestion.

❝ Stop being so goddamn nice all the time— that's what I'd tell him, if I wasn't already sure he'd just smile it and laugh it off! He's too good for his own good, and it's gonna bite him in the ass one of these days and get him hurt, if it hasn't already. Then it's gonna be an even bigger problem, cuz I'll have to get involved and do something about it, and I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate my methods. ❞

❝ At least Yiyi would back me up! I'm pretty confident he'd break his innocent puppy act to get revenge for Bunny's sake! Oh, also, we should play strip poker on our next game night— that's my other suggestion! ❞

#archaictold #OOP I MADE MYSELF PRETTY SAD WITH SOME OF THIS #but the last one is great vibes so it's fine right?? #they should definitely play strip poker... #and show each other their t*ts and sl*utty little waists ♥♥ #ANYWAY!!! #⊰ 🩸 // ASKS » when she talks she talks like she can handle it. ⊱ #⊰ 🩸 // QUEUE ⊱

[sexybabystevie]

this is to ONE PERSON and one person ONLY. if you're confused, it's not you!

#you know. i saw you posted today from a different account. and it was one i totally forgot about #i didnt even feel like running back this time. was i curious? yes. did i end up looking? yep. #im saying this even though im 98% sure you cant see it but whatever. since when has that stopped me before? #you seemed fine. to say seeing that didnt piss me off would be a lie. oops i guess #i think its funny how the last thing you posted was stolen from me. #today it was one of those tag games we used to do together. your taglist was empty with some excuse of being absent on this app #i cant help but wonder if thats really all of it. if thats the whole story or not. i have a feeling the answer is no #i dont think youll ever understand the impact of what you did to me and the ways that you treated me. how that immensely fucked me up #or how youve basically thrown me to the wolves ever since you emotionally checked out. #you act like i never mattered to you and its been like that for forever. i made so many excuses on your behalf that i never should have. #these days the thought of you makes me go insane. the kind of insane that leaves me up all night and makes me wanna scream at the top #of my lungs. i have been consumed by anguish and hate. yes. im not afraid to say it anymore. i hate what happened and what you did to me #and sometimes i even hate you. and i dont even feel bad about it. im so over that because if theres anything i deserve after this hell then #its the capability to hate. for once in my life. #i saw your post and wondered if you thought of me. and i hope you did. i hope you thought of me and at the very least it stung. #because whether you want to admit it or not i was someone good. i bent over backwards for you every other day. try finding someone to do #everything that i did for you that you never appreciated. try finding someone who will care as much as i did about someone who couldnt be #bothered to tell me happy birthday. i dare you. because im tired of being sad that youre not here. im tired of being the one whos mourning #im so over it actually. because really i did so much for you. i gave up so much to be a good friend and it was never enough. i genuinely #cared about you. im not going to torture myself anymore by overanalyzing your posts or by thinking that i was nothing to you #because in one way or another youll miss me. and i hope the feeling is hell. #in the wise and paraphrased words of taylor swift. karma only comes back around to those who deserve it #in other words ill be fine #em speaks #tw vent ish #sorry to everyone else although i applaud you for being nosy lmao. gotta have my girlboss moment <3

[sirenlulls]

get him back! → theburntchip

pairing , theburntchip x youtuber!reader

summary , where, in lieu of yours and chip’s reconnection, fans find out how it happened, and just why you ended things in the first place.

part one (bad idea, right?)

oh, i wanna get him back! 'cause then again, i really miss him, and it makes me real sad

🔴 Y/n L/n Talks On Breakup, Reconnection, The Launch Of Her Brand, & More! FULL POD EP.77 -Saving Grace

join premiere!

LIVE CHAT !

user: stop i’m actually gonna cry ☹️☹️☹️

user: I KNEW THOSE TWITTER B WORDS WERE WRONG I KNEW THEY DIDNT END BADLY

user: that’s so lala land of them

user: “if i ever complained, i’d be the nagging girlfriend” NO BABY 😭😭😭😭

user: never thought i’d say it but i’m glad they broke up bcs if they hadn’t done it then, it would’ve been MESSY messy

user: off topic but can we please talk about how pretty she is :(

user: “if he ever complained about you, i would’ve given him a belting” YES GRACE 👏👏👏

user: WHY DIDNT WE GET Y/N ON HERE SOONER OMGGGGGG I LOVE THIS DUO SM

user: Sending love from Brazil! XX 🇧🇷🇧🇷❤️❤️

user: stop that’s so sad ☹️

user: she’s so real for the anxiety thing

LIVE CHAT !

user: i feel like i’m watching a tv show

user: “i don’t want to lose this again” and when i start sobbing????

user: ok but is the dick game good

user: HE SWIPED UP ON A COSTA TOASTIE ☠️

user: nah he’s down BAD me too but like 😭

user: he def would’ve thrown a temper tantrum if she didn’t respond

user: grace booing is so real i wanted a kissing in the rain screaming ‘i love you’ confession

user: her smile when she said she’s happy now man they’re literally my parents ☹️

user: Love you both X ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

user: ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

user: the world is healing

user: NAH MAN SWEAR THATS CHIPS BOICE COMING IN NOW

LIVE CHAT !

user: i’m actually gonna cry i missed them sm ☹️😭

user: the camera switching to her looking at him with heart eyes after calling him a bellend is so funny GET HER ASS 👏

user: chip is the new an*rew t*te 🙏

user: oh how i missed him calling her lady and missus

user: he’s the leader of the sassy man epidemic oh lord

user: OMG I FORGOT WHEN SHE YSED TO GO ON COFFEE DATES WITH HIS MUM

user: leave my girl and her spotify playlists alone

user: this has literally made my year

user: just in time for y/n’s fall vids

[tagged: savinggracepod , gkbarry_ , theburntchip]

❤️ liked by georgeclarkeey, georgebxggs, and 98,992 others

yourusername mum! mum! i made it! i’m on saving grace!!!!!! (and i figured i deserved at least one pic of chip from the launch x)

user that episode was the funniest thing ever i can’t even i nearly pissed myself when grace pretended to spank u with the paddle 😭😭😭

user mother ur so gorg i’m speechless

user you know the content is gonna slap when y/n l/n is there

user im so obsessed with u pls

user CAL AND CHIP AT THE FUNCTION SIR 👏🙇‍♀️

user best video in youtube history methinks

gkbarry_ loved having you on babe, even if the boss man gatecrashed 🫶❤️

yourusername he doesn’t like feeling left out smh

theburntchip oh alright then

max_balegde ICONIC!!!!!!

user MY ROMAN EMPIRE

user i hope you know that twt is in flames rn

user i gen teared up a bit when you talked about the breakup 🥹

user icons only

[tagged: ynapparel , nellarose , theburntchip]

❤️ liked by landonorris, behzinga and 97,872 others

yourusername self representing by wearing @ ynapparel the past (and every) week 😩🤭 featuring the love of my life & chip ig…

theburntchip wow alright

theburntchip i thought you were a g 😔

yourusername oops sorry babe

theburntchip we’re over smh

yourusername oh no… what a shame ☹️ anyway… hot girl winter!!!!!!

theburntchip the fits are fire though 😮‍💨

yourusername as always x

user EATING SLAYING DEVOURING

user OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

user forever obsessed with u

user graduated from cuntingtion university with an phd in slaying

nellarose love you bae x

calfreezy chip looking dashing as per usual

theburntchip aye thank you brotha

nellarose AYYYY LOOKING SEXY 🔥🔥🔥🔥

yourusername ALL YOU BABY 💋💋💋

ynapparel looking good and dressed to kill 😉😇🩷

user face card NEVER declines

lissiemackintosh this barbie is my mother

user ur so real lissie

faithlouisak doll 🤩

alice_hez 😍🔥🖤

user WHATS THE SQUARE ROOT OF 64?????

user angel girl 🤍

centralcee 😮‍💨🔥🔥🔥🔥

user NAHHH HES BRAVE COMMENTING ON THE POST W HER BOYFRIEND

user CENCH GET OUTTA HERE MAN

user SIRENSIRENSIREN Y/N BABY RUN!!!!!

user OH??????

user wait am i missing smth why are we freaking out

user @ user cench has always been lowk flirting with y/n, like she interviewed him at some event last yr and he was being so flirty and obviously she was giving him blank wall back BUT when her and chip broke up he got even WORSE like man was always in her comments tryna chat her up and she entertained it a lil but now the bitch is back and he’s bold

user NAH MAN GTFO WE JUST GOT CHIP BACK IN THE PICTURE WE CANT HAVE U RUINING THAT

theburntchip just posted to their story

#theburntchip x reader #theburntchip imagine #theburntchip fic #theburntchip x y/n #youtube x redaer #youtube #british youtube x reader #british youtube #british youtuber x reader #uk youtube #calfreezy #gk barry #max balegde #nella rose

[joshs-big-toe]

I Hate That I Love You

a/n: hey my loves, this fanfic that i wrote is definitely a gift because of my lack of writing. i tried something new and wrote this one in first person POV, so let me know if you like that. i do want to give a warning up front, this contains spoilers for the beekeeper movie as well as an ending that made my proofreader, @peetas-nose, say "what the fuck". derek danforth will never get a happy ending.

edit: I LOVE YALL BUT I WARNED YOU IT WOULD BE SAD

CW: heavy smut, p in v, fem!reader, aggressive sex, mentions of drinking and drug use(cocaine), oral sex(fem!receiving), depressing ending, SPOILERS

word count: 3844

PRESENT DAY

Derek Danforth. Momma's boy. Rich kid. 28 year old man-child. Let me be clear, Derek wasn't always this way. He was kind once upon a time. He was always rich, don’t get me wrong, but god when his mother was campaigning, he turned into the biggest asshole you could imagine. When he changed is when I broke up with him. We were 24 when I ended things between us. Though, things never ended between us truly. I was tired of the selfish person he had become. But then again, I use him for things too. He has money, I get sex, it's a win-win situation. This sounds like a prostitute situation, it’s not. He doesn't pay me, not necessarily, but my life has never been difficult since our agreement. I make him look good, he gives me benefits. I’m getting ahead of myself, though. Let me rewind to four years ago. 

FOUR YEARS AGO

I sat down on the couch, running my hands down my face before I looked up at him. “Fuck, Derek, you’re not the same person I met! What happened to you?” Derek paced in front of me. He was manhandling a glass of whisky. I honestly was afraid he was going to spill it. 

“Y/N, you know I’m doing this for my mom!” His words were slurred. He had started drinking a few months prior when his mom first started talking about running for President. President, ha, fucking insane, right? Not to Derek and not to his mom. I hated it the moment he picked up his first glass, flipping through websites, spending hours up all night on the phone. He did some shit that I’m still in the dark about. I shot up from the couch, snatching the glass out of his hand. His eyes bore into mine, sending a chill up my spine. “Give it back, y/n.”

“Derek, your moms life has become your life. What are you doing with your money? Why are you doing this, this isn’t who you are!” He set his jaw, taking a step forward toward me. 

“Give it here.” His voice was almost too calm at this point. I loosened my grip on the glass, allowing it to fall to the ground and shatter on impact. “Fucking hell, are you fucking serious right now?” 

“Oops,” I shrugged, sitting back on the couch. My arm rested on the arm rest and I crossed one leg over the other. “Get your head out of your ass or you lose me, Derek. Thats how this is going to be.” I motioned toward him, studying his blazer and whatever-the-fuck expensive shoes he was wearing. “This… This is not who you are, or were, Derek.” 

“I’m doing all this shit for her, not me, don’t you get that?”

“I call bullshit on that.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said I call bullshit.” He started pacing, running his hands through his hair. I followed him with my eyes, studying his movements, the crunch from the broken glass under his shoes. He paused in front of me, looking down at me. 

“I am working my ass off, getting more money than you could ever comprehend for the sake of her. You don’t fucking understand the fucking stress I’m fucking under!” I was taken back. More money than I could ever comprehend. Ouch. I stand up and take a step toward him, our noses almost touching. I could smell the whisky on his breath and see the frustration and anger in his eyes.

“I can’t do this, Derek. I can’t be with, whoever this is, because it’s not the person I fell in love with.” I ran my hand through my hair as I began to walk away. 

“Y/N, help me with this!” He was almost shouting. I shook my head, but before I could get too far, Derek grabbed my wrist and pulled me into his arms, pushing his lips against mine. I fucking hated the taste of whisky, and I hated how I did not want to break away from the kiss. My brain immediately became foggy with arousal. Something about the way his lips moved against mine sent a tremor of heat down in my core. His hand trailed up my arm and to the back of my neck, holding me against him. My mouth gapped, allowing him to slip his tongue into my mouth. Our mouths worked perfectly with each other, drawing me deeper into the kiss. I finally somewhat came to my senses, pulling away briefly, him still attacking my lips as I spoke.

“We,” his lips connected to mine. “Fuck, we’re still done after this.”

“Yeah,” I leaned in, desperately connecting my lips to his again making him gap his sentence. “Okay fine, just shut up.” Shut up I did. As much as I hated who he had become, or more accurately stated, who he was becoming, I couldn’t deny sex. He was insanely good at it, even though he seemed almost careless. And for some reason, his carelessness was why it was so intoxicating. Derek groaned, shoving me down onto the couch, pushing the breath out of me. He moved quick, sliding my shirt and jeans off of me, leaving in nothing but my bra and panties. He bit his lower lip before leaning down to attach his lips to mine again. I could feel him fumbling with his belt before throwing it to the ground, momentarily breaking our kiss to slide out of his dress pants and boxers. His cock sprung out leaving nothing to the imagination. Derek was only slightly above average, but fuck he knew how to work his body with mine. I looked at him, noticing a bead of precum forming at the tip, turning me on that much more. He pulled my panties down to my ankles before turning me onto my stomach, pulling my ass into the air. As he pulled my hair back, I heard him spit into his hand before the wet sounds of him stroking his own cock filled the room. I was getting impatient. I decided to push my ass against him, however I earned myself a hair pull. “We may be done after this,” he huffed, “but we can keep having fun, yeah?” He sighed out as he slowly pushed into me. “I can’t get enough of this fucking pussy, you understand that?” I tried to nod, but the grip on my hair was too tight. I opened my mouth to speak, however as i tried he began pulling in and out of me and grabbing at my ass to roughly pull me onto him. A moan escaped my lips instead of words. “What.” he growled out, not stopping his movements. If anything, it made him go faster. “Did I fuck the words out of your mouth already?” His breathing picked up as he continued his pace. His nails dragged into my ass, making me whine in a pleasured pain. 

“D-Derek, fuck,” I struggled to answer him. I felt one hand reach around me and push a finger against my clit. Derek groaned, the sound of skin slapping overpowering any other sound that was in the room. His used his finger to circle my clit. I felt him plant soft kisses on my back as he worked at the bundle of nerves. He released my hair and grabbed my ass again and began to push and pull me off of him again. 

“Struggling to use your words, y/n? Come on baby, use those words. Even if we aren’t together, you'll still let me use you right?” I could feel his breath on my neck. I took a deep breath, trying to ignore the pleasure coursing through my body.

“W-what~ aha fuck- whats in it f-for me?” I managed out, trying to stifle my moans. He was pounding into me at this point, his finger still pressing against my clit. I was struggling to keep it together. There was a heat rising up in my lower belly as I felt my orgasm approaching. “F-fucking hell, Derek.”

“Whats in it for you?” His voice was low and his movements were erratic. He was close too. “A life of p-pleasure- fuck.. No more struggling. B-benefits.” I tipped over the edge, my orgasm spreading through my body as I clenched around him. I buried my face into the cushion of the couch, crying out in the pleasure of the orgasm ripping through me. His hands felt their way to my hips, his breathing ragged as i felt him twitch before filling me up with his cum. He pulled out, turning me over onto my back, watching me as I caught my breath. “So,” he panted. “Your answer?”

“You,” I paused to take a breath. “I’m here for whatever you need,” I began. “But I get a peaceful life in return.” He grabbed my clothes, throwing them onto me before getting his own and putting them on. After we both were dressed, he looked down at me and held out his hand.

“You have yourself a deal.” With that, the fate between us was sealed in a handshake. 

PRESENT DAY

I regretted the agreement the moment my hand touched his for the handshake. I wish I could hate Derek more, but part of me still very much loves him. The consistent sex over the next four years definitely didn’t help. Derek and I turned 28 a few months ago. He kept changing, he turned to drugs and alcohol, his fashion sense got so much worse and he decided to get these bullshit frosted tips. And I still couldn’t help but look at him and wonder what we could’ve been if he was normal. Once again, I found myself at one of his parties. I was sitting on his lap with my legs crossed while his hand rested on my thigh. On the table next to him sat a glass of whisky and a small vial of white powder, I assume cocaine. For this party, he had me dress in this form-fitting short red dress that ruffled at the end. I draped around him, putting on a show for all his little rich-boy friends. 

“You guys have any idea how much we made with that one woman alone?” Derek chimed in, his smile wide as he spoke. I smiled, looking over at Garnett as he raised his glass into the air.

“Wish I could’ve seen the look on her face as she saw that,” He paused before raising his voice. He shot his arms into the air, squeezing his eyes shut and shouting out in victory. “3.7 MILLION DOLLARS!!” All of Derek’s friends’ voices started ringing together, creating a dissonance of voices and shouts. I hated it here. I couldn’t stand the smell of cigarette smoke and the drunk men trying to poke and prod at me everywhere. Derek could see the discomfort on my face, or maybe feel it in the rigidity of my body draped over him. I feel his hand run up my thigh, the tips of his fingers resting under the hem of my dress. I look down at him, his hair looking fried and his stupid green suit he was wearing. I grimaced. He glanced in my direction, pulling my head down to where my ear met his lips.

“Liven up, y/n, we have an agreement.” He mumbled, the heat of his breath tickling my neck. 

“Oh-ho-ho,” Garnett exclaimed. “Derek wants some from his bitch!” I winced but kept a smile, even choking out a little laugh. 

“Watch it, Garnett, remember your place.” Derek’s tone was serious. Garnett raised his hands in surrender.

“My bad, my bad. I'm going to take the boys and go talk about the new branch you’re building.” Garnett stood up, his posse following close behind, giving Derek shoulder punches and shakes as they made their way out. The door slammed shut behind him, cueing me to get off of Derek and make my way to the couch. I kicked off my heels and leaned my head back against the head of the couch groaning, my eyes screwing shut. 

“You’ve been here for an hour, are you seriously acting like that right now?”

“I don’t want to hear it from you. I wore what you wanted me to, did my makeup the way you wanted me to, god forbid I’m tired of playing pretend with these jackass friends of yours.” I looked over to him. He was laid back in his chair, head back, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“If you’re done, I need you to tell me. I have plenty of other girls who would fight to be in the position you’re in.” His eyes met mine, a mocking smile was on his lips. I rolled my eyes and looked away, unable to hide the grin that threatened the corners of my mouth. His smile became more sincere. “That’s my girl.”

“Still not yours, Derek.”

“You are while you’re here.” He stood up and took a sip of his whisky before grabbing the vial and sauntering over to me. “You don’t understand how fucking hot you look right now.” He knelt down to the ground in front of my knees, gently spreading them apart before getting in between them. “You’re going to stay still for me, right?”

“Derek, what are you doing?” He held the small vial up and shook it in front of my face. “And you plan to…”

“Just stay fucking still.” I watched him closely, eyeing his every movement. He fumbled around his suit pockets, finding a $50 and handing it to me. “Pull your dress up, then roll that, yeah?” His face was flushed as he watched me push my dress further up my thighs, exposing my panties in full. He bit his lower lip as he looked at me, an obvious wet spot from my own arousal seeping through already. His eyes met mine, a grin plastering his face. “I love the effect I have on you, y/n.” I felt my face heat as I rolled the bill for him, knowing what he was going to do, but taken by surprise with how he did it. Derek broke eye contact first, taking the vial and unscrewing the lid. He brought it over to my thigh and carefully began pouring a line of cocaine on me. I wanted to shift, to mess him up just to see how I would react, but I was infatuated with what he was doing. Fuck I hate that he does this. I couldn’t stop him. He held his hand out, telling me he wanted the rolled up bill from me. I complied, wordlessly placing it between his thumb and pointer finger. “Good girl,” he mumbled. He turned, looking at my other thigh, quickly pouring out another small line across me. “Better stay still, understand me?” I was afraid to move. “Words, you know better.”

“Yes, Derek. Perfectly still.” He smiled. He brought the bill up to his nose, plugging one side and lowering himself close to my thigh. I tensed as he sniffed up the powder. He groaned, rubbing his nose before turning to the other thigh and doing the same thing but on the opposite side of his nose.

“Fuck,” he mumbled as he pinched his nose and sniffed again. “You still have some..” Before I could comprehend what he meant, he ran his tongue up my thigh where the line was, but did not stop. He traced the top hem of my panties until he reached the other thigh, dragging his tongue down my thigh picking up any residue from the powder that may have been left over. His eyes connected with mine, both of our faces flushed. 

“The door locks on its own, right?” I mumbled, my arousal taking control of me. That was the hottest fucking shit I have ever seen in my fucking life. He nodded, no words coming from him as the tips of his fingers dragged slowly up my thighs, hooking around my panties and sliding them down my thighs and pulling them off of me. He met my eyes again as he brought them up to his mouth, licking my arousal off of them before discarding them to the side. Fuck that made my stomach flip. His pupils were already blown, not looking away from me as he pulled me down the couch until my ass was barely on it. I sigh as he maintains contact, leaning down and planting a kiss on my pubic bone. 

“Such a perfect little pussy,” he mumbled onto me. The movement of his lips against me made my body jolt. “All for me, too. Fuck,” he pressed his tongue against my clit, moving his head up and down, my eyes following his. He groaned onto me as I wrapped my legs around his shoulders. My hands found their way into his hair making him nip at me in response. “Hands to yourself,” He growled, shoving his tongue into me. His movements became faster and more erratic and his hands squeezed at my thighs. I groaned, trying to focus on him and his movements, but the pleasure that was spreading through me was almost too much. His nose pushed against my clit as he tongue-fucked me, the heat building within me rapidly. My body begged for release as he pulled away, denying me, before standing up and grabbing my jaw and spitting in my mouth. “The things you fucking do to me even after all these fucking years. God I can’t believe I ever let you leave.” His words took me by surprise, but he took me into a needy, heated kiss before I had the chance to respond. His tongue worked its way into my mouth, making the kiss deeper. I reached up toward his pants and began unbuttoning them and waited for him to stop me. If anything, he gave me more access to slide them down. I began to palm him through his boxers, a groan escaping into my mouth. “T-take them off,” he growled before immediately attaching his lips to mine again. I obliged, not waiting before dropping his boxers to the ground. He wasted no time before stepping out of them. My hand connected to his cock, slowly pumping it. He stifled a moan. “Fuck I love the way you fucking touch me. Like nobody else in the fucking world. You drive me insane, y/n.” He pushed me back on the couch as he removed his blazer, throwing it off to the side somewhere in the room. I began to turn onto my stomach but he stopped me. 

“I thought-”

“Just shut the fuck up, will you? You think too much sometimes.” He grabbed one of my legs and draped it over his shoulder. His eyes met mine, focusing on my face as he slowly pushed himself into me. Just the tip. I didn’t look away despite every bone in my body telling me to. He started moving his tip in and out of me, my hands grabbing at his shirt to try and get him to fully push in. I am desperate, and with desperation comes begging, and with begging, I come apart. 

“Fucking hell, Derek please just-” before I could finish my thought, he pushed himself into me. He grabbed my hips and pulled me onto him, filling me up completely. I threw my head back and bit my lip to stifle the moans that were threatening to escape. There was still a party going on outside, afterall. He didn't hesitate before grabbing my jaw, making me look at him. 

“I love seeing your face as you come apart. The face you make when I make you so fucking needy. Fucking hell.” He pulled out of me before aggressively thrusting himself back in. He continued at this pace, forcing me to look at him. “I fucking love everything about you, y/n.” My eyes widened. He’s just high, he doesn't know what he’s talking about right now, right? I felt him twitch inside me telling that he was close. He brought his free hand down to my clit, pushing his thumb against it throwing me over the edge into an orgasm. I whined and he groaned as I clenched around him, his body convulsing as he reached his climax, filling me up. He allowed his body to fall on top of mine and rested his head on my shoulder as he caught his breath. We stayed there for a moment before he got up and put his blazer and slid up his pants. He threw his boxers at me and watched me wipe myself clean.  

“Where’s my underwear?” He shrugged, lazily checking the ground around the couch. I groan and throw his boxers at him. He made a face at me, dodging them. 

“Gross, you could’ve made a mess on my jacket.” I rolled my eyes and pulled my dress back down, leaning back on the couch.

“You said something earlier.”

“Don’t.”

“Did you mean it?” He was pacing again. All he seemed to do was pace. 

“You and I are not… We fucking can’t, okay? This won’t be spoken about again, do you fucking understand that?” Without a word, I grabbed my heels off the ground, stood up and began my trek out of the room. I felt his eyes burning into me as I approached the door, turning to face him as I placed my hand on the handle. 

“Goodbye, Derek.”

3 MONTHS LATER

The day I found out Derek was dead was probably the hardest day of my life. I knew what he was doing, though I didn’t know the extent of how bad it was. I knew he was investing in companies and owned call centers. I thought they were authentic tech support centers. In actuality, he was scamming older people out of money. Billions of dollars. The comments his “friends” made made sense now. I would have stopped him. I could have stopped him if I had just known. He was murdered in the crossfire of some vengeful man in a group called the Beekeepers. Shot him in the head in front of his own mother. 

—--------

I sighed as I sat down on the fresh patch of grass where he was laid to rest. I placed a flower on it. The stone itself had been defiled. I was here once a week to try and keep it in good, well, okay shape. “You are a fucking idiot, Derek Danforth. You should've just…” A tear slipped down my cheek. “Why couldn’t you have just stayed the same. I would’ve fucking married you, dumbass!” My hand hit the ground. I cried silently for who knows how long before I decided to get up. I hesitated, dusting my jeans off looking down at him. “I love you.” I mumbled before walking away, trying to carry on with my life like I never had him to begin with.

#josh hutcherson #josh futterman #mike schmidt #mike schmidt x reader #mike schmidt imagine #mike schmidt smut #josh hutcherson fanfic #josh hutcherson smut #josh futturman smut #josh futterman fanfic #josh futturman x reader #peeta x reader #thg peeta #peeta fanfic #derek danforth smut #derek danforth #derek danforth x reader #clapton davis #clapton davis fanfic #fraklin fox #57 seconds #michael schmidt #im sorry #devastating ending #crying

[forestshadow-wolf]

What if soap and ghost never get together...

Like there's very obviously something there but neither ever act on it. Ghost is afraid of letting soap in. And soap is scared of what might happen if it doesn't work out, what if there is no them after...

And so nothing happens. They just dance around eachother for forever until one of them dies and the other retires, sad and alone...

#oops made myself sad with this one #el rambles #call of duty #cod #cod mw2 #john soap mactavish #simon ghost riley #ghostsoap #soapghost

[lucidlivi]

A Rival Rendezvous

Warning: Rated R (tis a spicy one..oops), You’s a Cheater, Marital Affair, Mentions of Violence, Mentions of Drugs

It wasn’t easy being the wife of one of the most notorious gangsters and drug kingpins.

I was constantly in danger from people who wanted my husband dead.

I even most recently got shot but thankfully I am still alive to tell the tale.

I felt as if my life had no purpose other than to serve my husband.

He was used to taking everything he wanted with force, even me. It was like violence was ingrained in him and he couldn’t separate who he was anymore as the mob boss and who he was as my husband.

It hurt me because he was once so gentle, so understanding.

I didn’t know when I started falling out of love with him, but I was and I guess that was how I got to where I am now, sat with his mortal enemy running my hands through the sand.

Jensen.

I almost had an affair with him until I found out he was lying about his intentions. He was a gangster too and sought to bring down my husband. We only kissed, but I couldn’t help but be disappointed it didn’t lead to more.

I wanted to stop thinking about him.

I tried.

I couldn’t.

It was as if lately I was just sitting in the wallows of myself.

It made me feel dirty, that every time my husband went down on me lately I fantasized about his plump pink lips attacking me instead.

He said he wanted to talk, to explain, and I knew I shouldn’t have come but I couldn’t stay away. My husband was away on business, and here I was having a rendezvous with his rival.

“I shouldn’t have come here Jensen.” I said glancing at the large man beside me.

He fluttered his green eyes as if he were looking for the right words to say.

I bit my lip watching him flex his jaw. I thought about kissing it, trailing my tongue down his neck.

It was as if suddenly all my self control went out the window when he was near.

“then why did you, come I mean?” He asked softly as he turned his body towards me.

“I don’t know.” I said maybe a little too quickly.

“I think you do, I think you know exactly why you showed up.” Jensen said scooting closer.

“Jensen please.” I whispered.

“are you asking me to stop, or to begin?” He whispered seductively, his breath on my neck making me shiver.

“you.. you lied to me.” I stuttered.

Jensen placed his lips to my neck giving it a slow kiss. I bit my lip to stop the moan that viciously wished to escape my lips.

“I lied about who I was, I lied about why I met you in the first place, but I never lied about my feelings toward you.” Jensen said in between kisses.

Fuck.

He was making this that much harder.

I quickly turned my head away from him to stop the tears from escaping my eyes.

It was hard because I had feelings for him.

I was falling in love with him, a man that was not my husband.

“you know everything was perfect until you showed up.” I murmured biting my lip as I reluctantly turned my head back towards Jensen.

But was it really?

Was I really happy with where my life was before?

It was surrounded by hate and sadness, Jensen was the opposite of that.

“yeah well I think perfect is pretty fucking overrated.” Jensen said placing a hand on my cheek.

I finally let a tear cascade down my cheek but he was quick to wipe it away with his thumb. It was as if the desire I felt for him was burning me alive.

“I can give you everything.” Jensen whispered resting his forehead on mine.

I swallowed roughly finally giving in to the desire, and swinging my leg over so I was now straddling him. Jensen didn’t move, daring me to make the move. I bit my lip before crashing my lips on his.

Fuck this feels as good as I remember.

Jensen was quick to put his hands under my dress bringing it over my head.

“tell me to stop.” Jensen said.

But I didn’t want him to.

I wanted him to continue.

I wanted to feel him fill me.

I placed my lips back on his hungry for more. I quickly disposed of his shirt. I felt my nipples harden as my bare breasts made contact with his sculpted chest. Jensen gently flipped us over so now I was at his disposal. He kissed from my neck down to my clothed core. I choked back a moan as he kissed my thighs tenderly. He looked in my eyes for reassurance before sliding my panties down painfully slow. He put his hands on my knees forcing my legs apart.

“I will love you.” Jensen said before spitting right on to my burning core.

“I will protect you.” He added licking his spit, finally making my vivid dreams come true.

I put an arm over my mouth to conceal the screams I felt like releasing at that moment.

“I. will. never. hurt. you.” He said, kissing my core with every word spoke.

“Jensen fuck.” I moaned, my hands finding there way to his hair.

I thrusted my core into his waiting lips. He expertly licked and sucked, making me feel like I was experiencing getting eaten out for the first time all over again.

“Jensen.” I moaned again breathlessly.

I didn’t want to come undone just yet. I needed to feel him.

All of him.

I pulled his head up, urging him to free himself from the confines of his dress pants. I bit my lip as he did, finally seeing the size of him. He kissed me passionately, ever so softly thrusting his length in to me.

I look at him, and my body reacts in a way that it never has before. I look at him, and I start aching so deep inside it takes all I can to think, to breathe, to speak.

He thrusts in to me slowly, savoring the moment.

At this moment I wasn’t thinking about anything.

I wasn’t thinking about the danger.

I wasn’t thinking about how wrong this was.

I wasn’t thinking about the consequences of getting mixed up with another gangster.

I certainly wasn’t thinking about my husband.

Jensen pulled me up so I was sitting on his lap. I brought my hips up slamming them back down on to him. He bit my shoulder as our bodies rocked together in a passionate frenzy. I threw my head back moaning in to the night air, not caring who heard or watched.

Jensen let out a tortured moan, making me tingle with pleasure. It was sexy and intimate and I didn’t want it to end. Jensen flipped me over, pressing my chest in to the sand as he hit it from behind. I arched my back as he grabbed my hips allowing him to go deeper.

“Jensen don’t stop.” I whined nearing the height of my orgasm.

He did the opposite, he sped up his thrusts until they started to become noticeably sloppier. I gave one last tortuous moan before spilling my arousal all over him. I heard him let out a pained cry before feeling warmth spread throughout my body.

I struggled to catch my breath as Jensen pulled himself out, leaving me feeling empty. He collapsed beside me on the sand, quickly pulling me so I was laying on his chest.

I bit my lip as the tears slid from my eyes down my cheeks.

It was wrong.

I know that.

I was better with him though.

So tell me why did better feel so much worse?

“I meant what I said.” Jensen whispered kissing my forehead.

I know he did.

“I would give you whatever you want from me.”

I bit my lip as I cried harder.

I didn’t even know what to feel anymore.

I didn’t know what I wanted or more importantly who I wanted.

I don’t know how long we laid on the beach wrapped up in each others embrace, the silence engulfing us as neither dared to talk about the sinful occurrence that just happened.

I could see the sun starting to rise, I realized I needed to go back, people would start to question where I was.

I was silent as Jensen drove me back to my empty mansion. He let a hand linger on my thigh, giving it squeeze every now and then. I closed my eyes as he brought the car to halt, just down the street from the mansion.

“you’re worried, talk to me .” he said shutting off the engine.

I was worried.

I was out too long.

“my husband is for sure mad he’s not been able to track me.” I said biting my nail.

“you know you don’t have to go back to him.” Jensen reminded me.

“it would be the easiest thing, for me, for you..” I started but Jensen quickly cut me off.

“well I’m not him, okay I don’t want my happiness at the cost of your suffering,I want you to want me, not because you don’t have another choice. I want you to choose life with me.” He said sincerely.

I sighed as another tear fell down my cheek.

“and I will wait for you, until you’re ready for me.” Jensen said kissing my forehead.

I silently got out of the car giving him a pained look before walking away.

I didn’t want to.

It was as if my heart wanted to stay but my brain told me we would never be allowed to be together, my husband would never allow it. He would either kill me or worse kill Jensen.

I gave a smile to the maid as I made my way in the door, smoothing out the wrinkles of my dress. I was shocked to find my husband back early sitting at his desk waiting for me menacingly.

“where have you been?” he asked with a dark undertone.

“I went for a walk, to think.” I lied not even convincing myself.

“a walk huh? to think?” he growled standing up and making his way over to stand in front of me.

I looked up, his eyes were filled with rage.

“you’re a filthy liar.” he screamed.

“Matteo please, I’m seconds away from divorcing you.” I snapped.

I didn’t know where this courage came from but I liked it.

“divorcing me?”

I needed to get away from him. I started to walk up the stairs but he quickly chased after me.

“where is this coming from?” He called.

I ignored him and kept walking.

“hey hey hey I’m talking to you.” He growled roughly grabbing my arm and turning me around. 

“I was trying to save our marriage Matteo, but you, you were sitting in your dark wallows that I was not allowed to enter, and now i’m in my own wallows and I want to be alone there.” I said pulling my arm free from his grasp and walking further away from him

“can you stop?” He growled following me once again.

I quickly turned around facing him.

“look at you, look at me, there isn’t any us anymore.”

I could see the hurt flash across his face.

“I’m going to sleep in the guest house tonight, and tomorrow I will fly out to see my parents. I expect you to give me the time and space that I need and don’t think about following me.” I said walking away once more.

But this time he didn’t follow.

I heard the curse words leave his lips and the sounds of shattering glass.

I walked to the guest house. As soon as I got in I headed for the shower. I scrubbed myself raw as if that would wash the sins away. I knew the sound of the running water was blocking out the sounds of my sobs and for that I was thankful.

I felt like a horrible person.

I had a husband, a life and here I was consumed by another man.

I wished my chest wasn’t so hollow.

I wished I could go back.

I wished I could find the Matteo I fell in love with.

I wished my mind wasn’t plagued with thoughts of Jensen.

I sank down bringing my knees to my chest as I sobbed more.

I eventually picked myself up throwing a robe over my body. I sulked in the bed, the men plaguing my mind.

I heard a knock at the door breaking me from my trance. It was my friend Yael, the only one who knew what my husbands real job was.

She was also the only one who currently knows about my affair with Jensen.

“have you lost your mind? you’re going crazy for some man you hardly know just because he makes you wet! what now are you going to break up your marriage for him?”

“spare me the bullshit of loyalty, what am I supposed to do wait for Matteo to deal with his shit and remember I am his wife? please leave me alone.. I need to figure out what I really want.” I snapped turning away from her.

She sighed before coming to take a seat next to me.

“you’re right, I didn’t think about how you were feeling, or what you wanted. I love you and I want you to be happy. I will support you in whatever you decide, I’m just worried about you.” She said hugging me.

I snuggled in to her as we both cried.

“If you want I can kill them both and find you a nice village guy?” She said lightening the mood making me smile a bit.

“If only it were that easy.”

****************************************************

Just as I said, the next day I flew out to my parents house. It was nice to spend some time with them, especially my father.

He showed me how a real man was supposed to love.

I wanted that.

I didn’t intend to tell them what was going on but it slipped out.

I thought they would think bad of me but they didn’t.

“honey if you weren’t married to Matteo, which one would you choose?” my mom asked me one night over tea.

I said I didn’t know.

But I did.

I would chose Jensen.

I didn’t want to.

But I would.

“remember a woman who lives only for her man will always be unhappy but if you live for you, you will find happiness my darling.”

I mulled over her words for the next couple of days.

I was in the middle of eating dinner with them when my phone kept ringing vigorously. I rolled my eyes finally picking it up seeing it was Yael.

“thank god you answered I’m about to have a heart attack.”

“relax Yael what’s up?”

“what’s up? what’s up? Matteo he knows about everything. He knows about the affair. He’s going to kill you and then Jensen and then he’s going to kill me.” She said in a panic.

I felt my heart drop.

“He told you that?”

“No I heard him on the phone with Marco.”

“I guess it’s time to come home then.” I said knowing I would have to face the consequences one way or another.

“are you insane, he knows! no telling what he’s going to do.” she cried.

“relax Yael there must be a reason he hasn’t done anything about it yet.”

“Matteo won’t forgive cheating.”

“I’m not afraid of my own husband.. I won’t hide from him anymore.” I said.

I didn’t want to tell my parents goodbye but I knew it was time.

I caught a flight the next day and called a taxi at the airport.

I was surprised when I saw Jensen in the airport parking lot waiting for me.

“You know by coming here, I’m risking my life, my business, everything. I made a deal with Matteo that I wouldn’t enter his territory… but I guess I don’t give a fuck because I needed to see you.” Jensen said.

I went to walk away from him but he caught my arm.

“please hear me out and then do what you want.” Jensen said.

I took a deep breath giving him the go ahead to drive.

“I think you know the address.” I said biting my lip.

It was silent at first.

“I think you wanted to tell me something?” I pushed staring at the way his muscles flexed as he gripped the steering wheel.

“I need to be honest with you… since meeting you I now know what it means to truly be in love. I didn’t fall in love with you at first sight, but I fell in love with the way you get angry, the way you crinkle your nose when you laugh, the way you’re so stubborn. I love looking at you. I want to experience it all with you. I want to take you new places, see new things. I want to try new foods and get drunk with you. I know this seems silly but you became my world.. and I can’t help it I can’t live without this world and I don’t want to. I don’t know how more to convince you but I’m ready to give you everything.” Jensen confessed leaving me stunned.

I didn’t know what to say at first.

“I know it wasn’t easy for you to tell me that. I need to speak with Matteo though. I need to get out of that situation. I just need more time.” I said willing the tears not to fall.

It was silent for a moment.

“I’ll wait for you.”

“I can’t ask you to do that.”

“you’re not asking.” Jensen said as he pulled up to the place I was dreading going.

It was silent for a moment before Jensen spoke up again.

“uh I’ll be staying in town for a couple days, you’ll know where to find me.”

Jensen turned around placing a tender kiss on my cheek.

Yael met me in the driveway looking just as frantic as she sounded on the phone.

“I didn’t know you were in yet, I would’ve called you a car.” she said engulfing me in a hug.

“It’s okay the driver was nice.” I whispered looking at the car that hasn’t pulled away just yet.

Yael noticed who was sitting in the drivers seat. 

“are you crazy!? why don’t you just invite him in!” she spiraled.

I gave Jensen a nod letting him know I was okay. He peeled out of the driveway glancing back one more time before disappearing.

“where’s Matteo?”

“out back in the garden.”

I went to walk there when Yael grabbed my hand making me stop.

“It’s okay. I’m okay.”

I gave her hand a reassuring squeeze before making my way out back. I saw Matteo standing with his back to me looking at the roses. He planted them because I said they were my favorite.

“Matteo, we need to talk.” I whispered getting his attention.

“I’ll go first.” He said turning around to face me.

“Matteo..”

“I know.. but after everything happened with you getting shot, I shut down and left you alone to deal with the aftermath and that wasn’t right. I pushed you in to the arms of another man.”

“so if you’ve known about Jensen why haven’t you done anything about it.”

Matteo sighed before turning back around.

“when I was a young boy my mother always read me stories, there was a quote that I never understood it said “you will never have to force anything that is meant to be.” I understand that now.” Matteo said taking a deep breath.

I couldn’t formulate the words that I wanted to say.

“so I won’t force.. I want you to choose me or him.” Matteo said.

I bit my lip looking deep in his eyes.

“I choose……..me.” I said confidently.

and with that I left him standing there.

I walked away because sometimes letting go is the least painful option.

I walked away because sometimes you must choose yourself.

I didn’t know where I was going to go…

and I was okay with that.

I knew Jensen would be waiting when I was ready, but for now I was content with just me.

Eek woman power amiright!? I think we might need a part two to this! What do you guys think? I hope you liked it!

xoxo

Liv

#jensen ackles #jensen ackles x reader #jensen ackles imagine #jensen ackles x you #jensen x reader #jensen ackles smut #jensen ackles preference #supernatural #jensen ackles fanfiction

[yoke9494]

Me,U, Your brother, &Your Forehead.. (Ran Haitani/F.reader)

*Au-.. ish?

*FIRST TEASE REQUEST!! (Wattpad)

*Slight NSFW/ Cockblock Rindou.

*Drug use

*Crack on crack.

*Never proof read! Live dangerously!

-------------------------------------------

Living next to the Haitani's had its ups and downs.

Downs included: Waking up from a much needed nap or dead sleep to hear Rindou on his DJ set. He was good but honestly, not "Oh cool! We're partying at 3am?" good. Not really "I have a mad hangover but keep playing!" good..

Other times you'd hear a bunch of thuds and Ran yelling. Throwing a fit about not getting his way or throwing dudes around... Well you hoped it was dudes? Not some poor girl getting her guts liquidified.

Rip..

And don't get me started on all the sketchy shit they have going on in their house..

But they weren't all too bad you guessed. Sure they were loud, nosey, a little mean.

But the good part was..

"What are you doing outside? Looking all sad and shit."

You rolled your eyes at the sleepy purple ones staring you down. You had tried to hide from everyone. Curling up in the hammock in back of your house--  just to get some air, some time to think..

But somehow it was always Ran who sniffed you out... Especially when he wanted something.

Shrugging you let out a sigh. "Just sitting. What are you doing outside? Shouldn't you be asleep like always?"

Ran copied you. "Can't sleep." He eyed your slouched figure. Hunchback of Notre Dame looking ass, but he noticed you weren't in your usual homeless wear today-- you looked nice?.. Oh Right! "Hey, wait! I thought you had a date today? That one nerdy guy with the lame glasses?"

You knew who he was talking about and you fought the urge to throw something. "Ugh. A bust... Turns out guys who get good grades and act charming can be assholes too."

That was a shame... Ran had high hopes for that one. (Not really ) "Wanna come over and smoke? Rindou's out-- we can play in his room."

Tempting...

Though any other girl would take that sexually you knew better. Rindou had all the cool gadgets and shit in his space. He didn't let you or Ran touch ANYTHING since you both broke everything you laid your eyes on.

Fuck it..

"Sure."

----------------------

The thick smoke swirled around in the air, making pretty white sheer shapes. The pungent smell of weed seeped into every fiber and surface in Rindou's poor room.

Oops, guess you two forgot to open a window.

After the second joint was lit you and Ran couldn't focus on anything. Not Rins DJ set, not the video game console, not even his laptop that was playing some movie in a language you both didn't know.

Your body was light, your head quiet. All the stress of the day just melted away. Your eyes felt heavy and you were starving! It's a good thing you and Ran had a plate of Chicken between you... While you both laid on the floor.

How did you end up there with a plate of chicken? No fucking idea.. One of you must have fell or laid down. Then the other joined..

Where did the chicken come from? Hell if you knew.. And Ran didn't know either. When did he leave the room to make them? Did he buy it? Where was his wallet?

Ran didn't even remember getting up and making the snack-- did you? You should because you were standing right next to him..

Either way they were warm and the meat was juicy. The best fucking chicken you've had in you life! All crispy and shit..

"What was I saying?"

What? Was he talking? Oh shit-- you were too busy mouth fucking this chicken.

"Uh--"

Ran gasped. "Oh yeah! So yeah. I didn't hit it.."

Oh now you remember! He was trying to make you feel better about your failed date by telling you his.

You shook your head. "Why not? I mean, I don't clam slam myself but she's fucking hot! I'd try the chowder if it was her."

Ran snorted. "She had clitter glitter."

You made a face at the ceiling. "What now?"

Ran took a slow bit out of his chicken. With a full mouth. ".... toilet paper. There were pieces of toilet paper in her coochie down to the crack. It gave me the ick so I made an excuse to leave. Said Rindou was stuck in the dryer.. She actually bought it!"

The laugh you let out. it probably made the windows shake. "You're shitting me?!"

Ran smiled and shook his head no. The proudest look on his face that he actually pulled some shit like that off. "Nope. That girl has the body of a porn star but the brains of a jellyfish. I'd probably have to bubble wrap her if we ever got drunk or high together. I don't want to babysit."

You nodded like you understood what he was saying. No you weren't judging Ran's choice in girls, you really couldn't. Sure he liked girls who were basically walking fuck toys. But you were no better-- You liked guys who were well off academically. You sure as hell weren't.. But if you ever tried to have them partake in your lifestyle? You'd be babysitting too.

...Turns out you both sucked at picking them. They always turned out to be the same-- a waste of time

"Any whoodle toaster strudel-- Say something babe.... You being all quiet is making me paranoid."

Oh shit.. "My bad." You slowly opened your eyes. You hadn't really noticed that you closed them and started drifting off with a half eaten chicken wing in your hand.

You looked up at the ceiling..

Mean purple eyes stared back at you... It sent a shock of fear up your back and you gasped while trying to make the floor swallow you up to hide you from the evil one..

Ran twitched beside you. He was slowly falling asleep too. "What?!"

You saw a blur of blonde and teal. 'Just looking all mad this one..' "Uh...I think Rindou's home."

Ran hummed from his spot. "Oh shit. We should get out of here before he sees us."

You smiled while Rindou scoffed and nudged his brother with his foot. "What the fuck are you guys going in here?! Getting your greasy ass finger prints on my shit!"

Ran sat up. "Oh shit! Grab the children and run!"

Children? Did he mean the fuckin chicken?..

You watched Ran run out (more like stumble out) with the plate of chicken and only one braid still holding on. He yelled after you. "To my room bitch!"

You snorted at the sight. Then it hit you-- you looked at Rindou. "Did that 5 headed hoochie call me a BITCH?"

Rindou nodded but then pointed to the hall. "Out. Before I pop out your joints from their sockets."

You grumbled and rolled before getting up. You grabbed his hand and placed the half eaten wing in it. "For your troubles." Then walked (Ran--stumbled) out.

Rindou rolled his eyes and threw it in his trashcan. "What an idiot.."

-----------

When you walked into Ran's room he was waiting for you on his bed. The window was finally open and let in a cool breeze.

He clicked his tongue when you fell face first into his bed. If this mattress could talk.. There would probably be a few cum stains yelling. "Paapaaa." "Papaa Ran, hold me."

You would normally shoot up and go home to scrub yourself raw-- IF you were sober. But right now.. you were getting tired.

Ran cleared his throat. "So I was thinking--"

You cut him off. "Did it hurt?"

He pushed your head into his mattress a little deeper. But you could hear the smile in his words. "Shut up."

You snorted and motioned for him to go on with your hand.

He took a second but eventually spit it out. "Why don't we just date?"

"Huh?" You turned to see Ran in your bubble. You pushed his face away. "Act like your hairline Haitani and back up a couple inches."

Ran deadpanned. "I'm serious."

You laughed. "Hell no."

He seemed hurt. "Why not?"

You gave him a droll look. "Why not? Why NOT?! You're not boyfriend material Ran."

He held his hands over his heat. Fake ass.. "Ouch! I'm hurting. Kiss me to make it better."

...Oh.

You scoffed. "Damn it Ran! You're just horny. I'm going home."

He stopped you before you could even get up. "No. Seriously.. What's wrong with dating me? You know what you're getting into, you know I'm an asshole already. You already know what kind of person I am and the shit I'm into and I know what kind of person you are. It makes sense right?"

You scrunched up your nose. "That's the problem. We're too much alike. We'll probably fight everyday."

He shook his head and smiled. "So? At least we'll be able to mad fuck after. I last longer when I'm mad."

That was a joke.. he could go on for hours! *Snort*

You were about to tell him to fuck off.

"Just one kiss. If you feel nothing I won't bring it up again. I just wanna see."

It was probably just the weed talking. It couldn't have been that Ran secretly had a thing for you.. nooo. Not that.. It wasn't because he was fed up with watching you waste time on little pussies when he was right there. Just waiting for you to be his.. No it wasn't the weed that gave him enough confidence to do what he's been thinking about.

And it must be the weed that kept you on Ran's bed...

It's the weeds fault you didn't tell him "No." when he asked to kiss you again. And it was the weeds fault you kept on going.-- totally not the way you actually felt comfortable around Ran, and it's not like you found him kinda attractive either..

He was just a friend-- You were his friend--- You both were bad at lying. Couldn't even convince yourselves..

Your mind was buzzing. But so was your body.. and no. It wasn't a bad feeling.

The kiss was sweet and slow. The complete opposite of what you and Ran were really like. You both tried to hide it-- but again, you knew one another so why bother?!

+++++

Underwear was the only modestly you and Ran had on right now. You were pretty sure you ripped his shirt in two-- that's okay. Your bra was fucked too.

It's funny.. You both had gotten high and drunk together hundreds of times. You've hung out just for the hell of it, hell you even napped together sometimes! Why did you both wait so long to do this?

Your back arched when Ran's fingers curled deep inside you. His thumb drawing tight figure eights on your slippery clit.

Rindou was in the next room.. Poor guy-- Ran shut you with a sloppy kiss. Teeth clanking and tongues rolling. But in reality, he didn't want his little brother to hear the sounds that were only meant for him. He was the most greedy out of the two anyway.

Geez possessive already?

He couldn't help it. His dick was hard and up against your thigh. It hasn't even felt the squeeze of your soft walls yet and he was losing his mind. Should he be embarrassed of all the pre cum that soaked though his underwear and onto your skin? Probably-- but your pussy around his fingers made his brain slower than the weed ever could.

He let out a groan when your cunt began to flutter and grip at his fingers. Your thighs began to twitch and you nails dug into the skin of his arm and back before your tried to push him away.

He's heard stories... That's probably why he wanted you so bad but-- (That's what he told himself..)

His speed picked up and he pushed against that soft spot deep inside everytime he shoved his fingers in. He wanted to keep you quiet but found himself lost in the way you sounded.. The way his name came out, a tone of pleasure-- desperation, instead of annoyance.

He could get used to this..

You let out a pornographic like moans that he began to mock but quickly they became real and breathy just like yours.

Clear liquid began to gush out of you and Ran's never been so happy to have his mattress ruined.

He couldn't wait anymore. His cock was stiff and beginning to hurt. Your underwear was yanked off from the middle of your legs. His was already gone..

You felt a little shy while he spread you wider for him. He was just staring..

"What? I have clitter glitter too?"

He smiled. "You're glittering with something else. I don't really wanna waste it."

Before you could ask.

His face was between your thighs. Your fingers tangled in his hair. That braid that was hanging on for dear life gave up it's battle long ago. You hardly saw him with his hair down, but it was doing something to you..

Especially when he looked up and groaned into your pussy. Like he was a starved man and eating his very last meal all at the same time.

He finally came up for air. "Can I fuck you now?"

You shrugged. "Sure. I'm just here enjoying my time until you man up and shove it in."

Ran wanted to argue but he was getting desperate.( he wasn't going to tell you that.) But he did tell himself you were just as needy. Especially since you were quick to wrap your legs around him when he climb up.

One more kiss-- Ran hissed when he lined himself up to your entrance. His head was the only inches he had in-- why were you still so tight? What was wrong with you?

He was going to have to shove himself in. Eh, he'd feel bad about it later---

+++++

Ran's room door swung open...

Rindou walked in. He didn't even seem bothered that you literally threw Ran off of you and covered yourself with his bedsheets.

Ran was so red! Rindou wanted to laugh but held it in.

"What the fuck Rin?! I'm going to beat your ass!"

He ignored his brother and looked at you. "So, quick question. You think having a bubble machine at one of my gigs is a good move or?"

..... Was he fucking serious? Your high was dying a bit-- Did you really almost fuck Ran? WTF?

You shook your head and leaned back on his headboard. "Uh.. What?"

Rindou rolled his eyes while Ran was just flabbergasted. Were you really answering Rindou's stupid questions.

"Bubbles? I was asked if I could DJ at some rave."

You let out a little "oh.." before you perked up. "A rave you say? What kind of bubbles? Because if I were you, I'd get some neon colored solution so it would look trippy under the black lights."

You two began to talk like Ran wasn't naked on the floor and you weren't naked in his bed.

(Rin) "Wanna go with me?"

You tilted your head. "Seriously?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

You liked to dance.. "When?"

He took out his phone. "In like an hour. You can be my dancer and be with me on stage if you want?"

"Oh hell yeah!" Both brothers blinked when you ran out to go get ready. You didn't bother to get dressed or anything! Just wrapped up in Ran's sheets and out the back door.

Rin was the first to break out of his perverted thoughts. Since Ran still had his pants around his ankles. He could use this opportunity..

Rindou stepped up to his big brother. Wearing his stupid smirk.. "Are you mad?"

Hell yeah he was! But Rindou didn't let him say shit.

"I bet you're mad.. But you know what? Do you remember a few summers back? We were bored out of our minds, then suddenly a big orange moving van pulled up?."

Ran was gritting his teeth. "What?-- orange van? The only time we've seen one was when Y/n moved in next door."

Rindou scoffed. " Looks like you haven't completely smoked out your brain. But remember when she stepped out of her parents car? What did I say?-- I called dibs.."

Ran stood up and pulled up his pants. "I don't know what you're talking about. And I don't care. Get over here so I can bash your face in."

Rindou stepped back and smiled. He was mocking Ran by shaking his finger in his face. "Ah ah.. If you hit my face she'll ask what happened. I'll tell her you did it. She won't talk to you for a good while."

He was right... You always gave him shit and told him to be nicer to Rindou. He protected his baby brother all the time. They were together all the fucking time. How was that being mean?!

Instead of the face Rindou got a good punch to the gut. It had so much force that it actually hurt a little to pee..

Eh, to Rindou-- it was all worth it.. Especially since he had you next to him all night.

#tokyo revengers #ran haitani #tokyo revengers rindou #x reader #ran smut #ran x reader

[skepsiss]

Tooth and Nail pt2

Part 2 of this mini-series. I guess I'm writing like 4 mini-series right now. This story is about Eddie being the one to question his sexuality after Steve comes out first. Read the first part to get the full details.

This part is pretty darn sad with a lot of introspection. I put up a mini-poll asking people what they wanted to read the most and Eddie being introspective was winning when I started writing this. I'm likely to write all the options on that poll still, so don't fret. I want to say clearly too that I do not agree with Eddie's thoughts. Sharing your emotions is never selfish and I think the fact that he feels like a burden is something he needs to work through. He is unwell. I'll admit I made myself cry writing this so if you're emotionally fragile like I am (lol) read at your own risk.

TW: Internalized homophobia (he's working through it), self-hatred, brief thoughts on death, mention of war (Vietnam and Korea).

PT1 PT2 PT3

---

"I kissed Steve."

"What?" Gareth said, startled as he stared at Eddie. 

Eddie was sitting on a beaten-up old armchair in Jeff’s garage; it was night and they’d opened the garage door to let in the summer air. The whole block was having a party and despite the time of night, the street was still alight with lamps and Christmas lights as people mingled in the street. Eddie had taken refuge in the garage (slightly paranoid that someone was going to touch the band equipment) after the first hour of forcing himself to be social. He had a beer in hand, even though he was underage, but it didn’t seem like any of the adults cared as long as they behaved. Hell, Eddie didn’t even live on this block but he was here enough that the neighbours didn’t seem to mind.

“A week and a half ago,” Eddie answered. He was slouching badly with one leg up on the seat, looking as if he was trying to lounge on a satee instead of a corduroy, La-Z-Boy from the 60s.

“Wait–sorry, what?” Gareth asked again, holding his own beer between his knees as he stared at Eddie. He had come to join him a few moments ago since Eddie had been moping by himself, and then they had proceeded to sit in silence until now.

Eddie flicked his gaze over to the younger boy before taking a long sip of his beer as if to say, yeah, you heard right without the willingness to repeat himself. He was quietly pissed, actually, but was chomping at the bit to talk to someone about it.

“So, are you like…” Gareth started, waving one of his hands as if that would fill in the blank.

“I’m fucking straight,” Eddie muttered, looking away and taking another long drink from his beer.

“Then why–” Gareth wasn’t going to get a word in edgewise and anyone who came to talk to Eddie when he was in a mood like this knew that coming in.

“I don’t fucking know!” Eddie grumbled, crossing his other arm over his chest and slouching all the way down in his seat so only his neck was being supported by the back of the chair.

Gareth frowned at him and looked away, no doubt wondering what he should say to all of that. It gave Eddie a moment to calm down and he eventually sat back up.

“I just…” he muttered, speaking into his drink, “I don’t know; it’d be easy if he was a girl. I just wish he was a girl.”

“Eddie…” Gareth mumbled a bit incredulously as he pinched his brows in. His expression was pitying and Eddie hated that it looked like he felt sorry for him. That was annoying and he scowled before looking away. 

Eddie’s logic was sound, it didn’t make sense why Gareth would be questioning it. Things would be easier if Steve was just a girl, that way if he had kissed him it wouldn’t be a big deal. Just an oops, sorry, that was uncool, well, anyways, and then they’d move on. He wouldn’t have to be dealing with this crisis of conscience and saying that he was just joking around wouldn’t have blown up in his face–maybe, he wasn’t sure. If Steve was a girl saying that he was joking actually might have blown up in his face more now that he was thinking about it… probably wasn’t cool to yank a girl’s chain like that.

“We were high and I don’t know, I wanted to talk to him about it being fine that he’s gay or whatever and I wasn’t thinking at all and I just…” Eddie sighed heavily and chugged the remainder of his beer. He twisted the pull-tab off and flicked it across the room, aiming for the bin and missing.

“You always want to kiss people when you’re high?” Gareth asked an edge of humour to his voice. He was teasing lightly, but Eddie didn’t have the patience for that kind of crap right now. 

“Fuck no,” Eddie grouched, crossing his arms and resuming his earlier position where one of his legs was up and he was slouched into the corner of the seat. “I wouldn’t kiss your ugly mug for money.”

Gareth snorted lightly and took a swig of his beer, letting the moment simmer.

“So…” he continued, glancing at Eddie before looking away sharply, “he get mad or something?”

Eddie groaned as he covered his eyes with the side of his hand, cupping his forehead as he tipped his head back. Why had he brought this up? He didn’t want to talk about this. It had been eating his insides alive, but he didn’t actually want to talk about it. What was Gareth going to do? Tell him the magic words to make Steve like him again?

“I told him I was joking,” Eddie mumbled, “and that I didn’t mean it–I even apologized, and I don’t fucking apologize to anyone.”

“Tell me about it,” Gareth muttered under his breath and Eddie hucked his empty beer can at his head, forcing Gareth to duck.

“Jesus–” he half laughed, the can knocking against him harmlessly and clattering to the ground, “just saying.”

Eddie flicked him off and motioned to get up. He didn’t need to be here for this, he didn’t want to be around people. This sucked. He could tell that Gareth was trying to be helpful–trying to be a friend–but he didn’t have the patience for it and he didn’t want to have another fight with another friend over something stupid.

Eddie stuck his hands in his pockets and shuffled over to Gareth before picking up the empty can and chucking it into the garbage. He wasn’t about to leave trash in Jeff’s garage, his parents let them practice there and store their gear most of the time and Eddie wasn’t going to burn this location. 

“Say bye to Jeff for me,” Eddie muttered, grouching out of the garage, “and thanks for the food.”

“You going home?” Gareth asked, leaning over the side of his chair to watch Eddie.

“No, this is an illusion,” Eddie mocked, turning and waving his hand in front of his face and giving a manic smile, “the Eddie you know died a long time ago.”

Gareth half laughed, but his brows pinched in at the same time. Eddie didn’t stick around to see if that meant he wanted to say something. He just continued to walk away, turning and hunching his shoulders as he walked past energetic little kids chasing one another and people starting to pack up their dishware. He didn’t feel like unpacking what he had told Gareth or why stating that he had died twisted his guts up into knots. He also didn’t like that he could tell that his upset wasn’t due to the fact that he was lying, but rather that it felt too close to the truth. 

Eddie lit a cigarette and started the long walk home. He lost the last of the dusk light halfway through his walk, already two cigarettes down as he got closer to Cherry Street. He wanted to say he ended up there by accident, but that would have been a lie. He walked this way often, actually, and it had been convenient once upon a time. Steve lived on Cherry Street… and Cherry Street backed up onto the forest that connected to the trailer park. A funny coincidence, he had said once to Steve, makes it easier to bother you. That was all too true now though. He was more than a bother.

Eddie stood looming at the end of the street as he stared off towards Steve’s house, the large, stark white structure easy to spot even in the dark. The lawn was lit up by small pot lights and the street lamp across the road shone brightly down onto the sidewalk. Eddie was out of view of any of the windows from his vantage, but he could see the side of the garage and the front of Steve’s house still.

He grumbled miserably and flicked the butt of his cigarette, not bothering to stamp it out before rerouting and taking the long way home. He didn’t want to walk past Steve’s place and risk seeing him, he didn’t know what he’d say if he saw him… he still didn’t really know what had happened. The whole thing felt jumbled in his mind and then crystal clear all at once. He could remember everything so vividly, but it was as if they had been speaking a foreign language to each other: none of it made sense.

Why did he kiss Steve?

Why had that led to Steve getting so angry he nearly got hit?

Why was he such a jackass that seemed to ruin any good thing that happened to him?

It was pitch black by the time Eddie made it home, but he knew the route well enough. The trailer park didn’t have any lights other than the rinky-dink porch lights that some of the homesteads had. It wasn’t that late, but things got dark this far away from town. He came home late like this all the time though, so it wasn’t a surprise when the flyscreen slapped open and Wayne was lounging on the couch. Wayne wasn’t working right now, which was a problem, but they had a small nest egg from the government to live off of for at least a few more weeks. It was amazing how far you could stretch a dollar when you’d been doing it for 20 years. 

“That you, Eddie?” Wayne asked, sparing a glance towards the door as a commercial popped onto the screen.

“Yeah…” Eddie mumbled, standing by the front door with his hands in his pockets still. He was looking at the ground, and Eddie wasn’t sure why he felt paralyzed. He didn’t want to move, but he didn’t want to be standing there either… stuck in some kind of limbo.

“You’re home early,” Wayne commented, his tone sounding cautious as if he wasn’t sure if a conversation was going to come out of this, “everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Eddie answered, again, not really sure what he was expecting.

Silence drew out between them as Eddie shifted from foot to foot, just wanting to… be around someone. He wasn’t sure if that was right, but he wanted to be invited in or something. He selfishly wanted to be comforted even though he was the problem.

“What’re you watching?” He mumbled, still not looking at Wayne.

“Mash,” Wayne answered easily, “reruns.”

Eddie nodded and sniffed, feeling like a stranger in his own home. Though he supposed that wasn’t right, this was Wayne’s home, he was a guest. He was a guest that had worn out his invitation by years and years. The deal had been until he graduated, but he still hadn’t done that and it was starting to feel like an impossibility. He didn’t want to be a burden though and he knew that getting a job was the next best thing… but he hadn’t been able to force himself to do that yet either.

Slowly, Eddie shuffled over to the couch and sat down a cushion width away from his uncle, looking up at the TV. The commercials were ending and Eddie felt his throat tighten as he tried to push himself into small talk.

“Is it a good episode?” He asked, having seen most of MASH living here with Wayne. He liked the show, and Eddie could understand why. All the characters questioned why they were at war and the ethics of it all. Made sense for someone like Wayne to get some kind of catharsis from the show after coming home from ‘Nam all those years ago.

“It’s the one where Hawkeye tries to get ribs sent from Chicago to Korea,” Wayne explained, sipping the drink he had in his hand and looking back at the TV.

Eddie snorted slightly, remembering the episode. He toed his shoes off and tucked up onto the couch so he could rest his chin on his knees, the room falling into silence except for the murmur of the TV and the tell-tale M*A*S*H song in the background. It was easy to watch and Eddie stared at the grainy images on the screen as Wayne and him shared the living room. He always liked that he could be quiet with Wayne, but it felt a bit forced on his part tonight.

A commercial broke up the episode and Eddie sighed, not looking at Wayne as he tipped his head to the side before chewing his lip and finally speaking.

“You ever… had a fight with a friend?” Eddie asked quietly, not liking the sound of his own voice right now. It was quiet for a beat before Wayne responded, his tone calm.

“Sure,” he said easily, obviously waiting for Eddie to continue, “you… have a fight with the band?”

“Steve,” Eddie mumbled, shaking his head no to Wayne’s assumption as he picked off the black polish on his nails.

“What did you do… to fix it?” Eddie asked, still not looking up.

“Apologized… talked, bought them a beer,” Wayne offered loosely, “depends on what the fight was about.”

Eddie nodded solemnly, not liking that there wasn’t some magic answer to his query. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but he didn’t feel like elaborating his problem either. So he just nodded and picked at his nails, waffling for a long time before more words tumbled out of him.

“Do you think… people just… dislike me?” Eddie asked, his lip quivering a bit before he got control of it, swallowing hard to hide his emotions. Wayne didn’t say anything right away which forced a bitter laugh from Eddie’s lungs.

“Like, I’m difficult, I know it, people don’t like difficult but sometimes…” Eddie smiled sadly as he held back his emotions, hiding his face between his knees again, “something even when I’m around people that are… like me, I’m just… different.”

Eddie didn’t like the words that were slipping out of him, why he felt like this was related to what had happened with Steve, or why he was saying it to begin with. He didn’t want to talk about this and he didn’t want to put this on Wayne to think about, that wasn’t fair. Wayne dealt with enough of his bullshit, more than any Uncle should have to, but sometimes Eddie couldn’t help that his uncle felt like the only safe person to talk to.

“It feels like it’s just so easy for me to–” he laughed quietly again, having a harder time holding back the wavering tone of his voice, “--to just–fuck things up with people.”

His body betrayed him and Eddie felt tears slipping down his face and he rushed to push them away so they wouldn’t be seen, still shielded by his knees as he hunched like a gargoyle.

“Eddie–” Wayne started, too much sympathy in his voice.

“Sorry,” Eddie muttered, trying to put levity into his tone, “I know you don’t like it when I drop the f-bomb.”

That was partly true, but Eddie also knew that Wayne didn’t care that much. They swore all the time, he just didn’t like being sworn at.

Wayne went quiet for a moment and Eddie squeezed his eyes shut, trying to get rid of any lingering tears that might be holed up in there.

“What’s going on, boy?” Wayne asked, his voice incredibly gentle.

Eddie felt his bottom lip bunch up, hating that any time Wayne sounded like that Eddie was doomed to start breaking down. It was like a superpower or something–he didn’t know, but Wayne had made him cry dozens of times when he felt on the verge of tears. He always felt selfish seeking out comfort from his uncle when he had already saddled him with so many problems.

“I hate people–” Eddie blubbered, not sure if that was what he really wanted to say but that felt like the strongest phrasing he could find to describe how he felt. He felt so small and so selfish, reverting back to some kind of scared kid who didn’t know how to deal with his own emotions. 

Eddie finally looked up, his face wet and his chest tight, and he crawled across the seat cushioned and collapsed onto his side, pressing his face into Wayne’s thigh. He was so pathetic… he was twenty years old and he was crying into his uncle's lap? Eddie the demon, the freak, the devil, metal head, satanic worshipper – yeah right.

“Sometimes it feels like–people just–I’m just–-I’m made to be hated,” he blubbered, hiding his face and gasping through his words. He felt miserable and like he wasn’t really saying what he meant, but he didn’t know what he wanted to say or even why he was doing this right now. It was like hundreds of emotions were trying to fight their way out of his chest and he couldn’t do anything about it. He hated it.

Wayne touched the top of his head and Eddie felt himself choke.

Wayne’s touch was gentle and Eddie couldn’t help but sob as he started to stroke the back of his head. It was a subdued affection, but one that Eddie knew was genuine. Wayne wasn’t a man of many words, so sometimes a touch was the best he was going to get. There was a reason why Wayne sometimes felt like the only safe person–even if Eddie still felt like he was a burden to his uncle.

“Everything about me just—” Eddie sobbed, gritting his teeth as he just let his thoughts and feelings freefall from him. “Why am–I—I–why do I like everything people can–can just hate–about me? I don’t like anything normal—I’m just–nothing about me is normal.”

Usually, Eddie was the first one to proclaim that he was different and scream it loudly for people to hear. He’d shout and point and own it and draw all the other weirdos towards him. He was the king of all the freaks, but it felt like he was still an island amongst them. He was always somehow different. Like there was this wall he bumped up against far too easily that would crop up out of nowhere. How he’d say or do something and just fuck everything up in one fell swoop. 

Why did he keep giving people new reasons to call him a freak?

“I hate being like this–I hate–I hate that I can’t just–be normal for—for five minutes,” he gasped, feeling that swell of self-hatred rising in his chest, “it’s always my fault–it’s–I’m always… so… difficult. I just—I can’t—...I don’t know why–I don’t—I hate it, I hate it so much.”

He was feeling sorry for himself again and that felt unfair. It didn’t feel like this was something he got to be upset about or something that Wayne or anyone else cared about. It felt unfair to complain to a man who had probably watched dozens of friends die right in front of him during the war; to complain to a man who had taken him in when no one else would and had to bear this kind of responsibility when he hadn’t asked for it. To have a snot-nosed-brat sobbing in his lap because people didn’t like him. But Eddie was nothing if not selfish.

“I’m so tired of being different–I don’t… I don’t want it anymore–why does it matter so much to people? I just–I don’t want it anymore–It’s–like—I know, I know people hate me—everyone in this goddamn town–people–pe—everyone hates me. Wayne–” he was heaving now as he rambled, everything just spilling out of him in these waves of emotions as each ugly sound crashed into the next. “It’s not fair—I don’t—I don’t want to be the freak–I don’t what—I don’t want to be a loser–to be a drop out–I don’t want—I don’t want to like men–”

The last of his confessions slipped out and Eddie felt his body tighten; his throat felt like it was being ripped apart and his lungs couldn’t pull in enough breath to satiate him. It hurt so badly. It hurt and he hated it and he didn’t know why he said it.

Eddie felt Wayne’s pets pause briefly before picking back up again. That more than anything made Eddie feel ashamed. It made his jaw shake and his shoulders tighten. How fear and sorrow rattled around inside of him at the consequences of his words. He didn’t know what saying them would do–he didn’t mean them. He knew he didn’t mean them–he couldn’t have meant them. Those words were a death sentence.

“It’ll be alright,” Wayne mumbled, the words not sounding as hollow as Eddie thought they would, “I like you plenty.”

Eddie tucked in at the compliment, feeling weak and small as his sobs quieted a bit. His tears didn’t stop, but his chest heaves changed into fluttering gasps as he slowly regained his composure.

“Freaks run in the Munson blood,” Wayne continued and Eddie blubbered a small laugh shifting to press into Wayne’s hip. He was such a child, but he couldn’t help but soak in the comfort.

It was quiet again for some time as Eddie’s crying turned into hiccups and then sniffles, the TV quietly rambling in the background. It took a long while for Eddie to calm down, but Wayne never stopped stroking his hair. He felt wrung out and hollow now, his emotions dull and his body aching from how hard he had cried. Still, it did feel better than when he walked in here.

“I kissed him…” Eddie said quietly. He felt Wayne shift to look down at him, a question in his movement.

“Steve,” Eddie explained, mumbling, “I kissed Steve the other week.”

“I see,” Wayne answered back, obvious awkwardness in his delivery. He had never been good at talking about stuff like this–anything really–but it was obvious that he was trying. “And he doesn’t like that you’re a guy?”

Eddie shook his head, and closed his eyes, tucking in closer still as he pressed his forehead against Wayne’s stomach.

“Steve likes guys,” Eddie sighed, breathing heavily as he wrangled his emotions.

“Alright…” Wayne replied slowly, obviously puzzling through everything. Eddie frowned and tucked in again, hiding as he felt shame wash over him.

“I kissed him…” he explained, sniffing, “and then I told him it was a joke, that I didn’t mean it…”

“Ah…” Wayne answered, sighing a knowing breath. “Did you mean it?”

Eddie swallowed thickly, taking a long time to answer as he pressed hard into Wayne as if he could disappear this way.

“I don’t know…” Eddie replied, his voice muffled. Wayne stroked his head again and Eddie breathed deeply through his mouth, feeling bad for crying all over Wayne’s lap.

“Alright,” Wayne answered simply, not pushing the subject at all. He was good at listening and Eddie quietly appreciated that Wayne always seemed to have time to listen to him ramble. Slowly, Eddie sat back up, his back to Wayne as he hugged his knees and rallied.

“Sorry,” Eddie mumbled, feeling like he had to apologize for the way he had acted. 

Wayne just patted his shoulder and Eddie felt a few tears slip down his cheek as if they had been knocked out of him by his uncle’s kindness. He sniffed hard again before getting off the couch and stumbling into the kitchen to splash water into his face and clean off the snot and tears. Eddie lifted the hem of his shirt to dry his face and then leaned against the kitchen counter, going quiet once more.

“Eddie?” Wayne spoke up and Eddie peered over at him through the cabinet shelf, “try telling your friend the truth.”

Eddie frowned at the suggestion, but he didn’t have it in him to be angry. Still, he didn’t think that was a great idea. What was he supposed to say? He wasn’t even sure if he knew what the truth was. How did he feel? Did he like Steve? That felt stupid and the idea made his stomach turn over. What good would a confession do anyway?

“And what’s that?” Eddie asked a bit flippantly, wiping wet strands of hair out of his face. 

“That you’re figuring it out and you want to stay friends,” Wayne offered, looking over at Eddie for a moment before turning to look at the TV again.

Eddie stared at the back of his uncle’s head, not sure what to say to that. Was it that simple? It felt like he wasn’t allowed to tell anyone that he didn’t know how he felt about something. That he was unsure and vulnerable and scared—it didn’t feel like things were allowed to be that simple.

He didn’t answer Wayne as the TV flicked from image to image painting the dark little trailer in different colours each time. It felt comforting and Eddie appreciated that his Uncle wasn’t smothering him. He was more grateful that Wayne had just… accepted him. He had accepted him like he always did. He hadn’t said anything when Eddie started to grow his hair out or when he got a tattoo, when he flunked school, and now when he had said… he liked men. It had been a surprise to hear himself say those words and there was still deep-rooted shame attached to all of that, but that felt like something he had to unpack on his own. Still, Wayne’s reaction had been the same as it was for all of Eddie’s past transgressions. He’d quietly support him or sigh with worry, but it never seemed to change anything between them.

Eddie shifted awkwardly from foot to foot and went to the fridge. He pulled out a can of beer and walked it over to his uncle, touching the cold metal to Wayne’s forearm so he’d look up.

“Thanks,” he muttered gruffly, looking at Eddie briefly before redirecting his attention to the TV.

“Yeah,” Eddie replied quietly, wiping his nose and touching his uncle’s shoulder before stepping away, “thanks.”

PT3

#we stan Wayne Munson in this house #Wayne Munson = best uncle #Eddit is dumb cause he spent all of last fic (the week prior to this) #proclaiming that he loved queer ppl cause they were treated like he is #he thinks queer people are cool but now he's like I CAN'T BE QUEER #that's just cause he's scared of what that means and he has to face so many horrors all the time #doesn't like being hated and sometimes the RSD gets to him #the “being straight” thing is like armor that has just been stripped away and he's been shown he can be hurt here too #he'll learn and grow and eventually love his queer-ness #my_writing #steddie #steve and eddie #eddie munson #steddie fic #my writing #wayne munson #I'm bored so take pt2 early

[bookish-whore]

Exile Pt.II

Azriel x Reader

Words: 2.4k

Warnings: in a shocking surprise to everyone I have more angst

A/N: SURPRISE!! I never actually revealed the poll results (oops my bad) but this was the winner! I know this chapter is kind of short but it sets up where our characters are mentally/emotionally plus has some interesting details for the future. Enjoy lovelies (and the next part is in progress don't even worry) ❤️

Part One -> Here

My Masterlist -> Here

Join my Taglist -> Here

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Gods it’s still dark outside I thought as I ran to the bathroom.

I hadn’t been sleeping that great since my departure from Velaris, and while I told myself it was a symptom of this pregnancy, I couldn’t help but feel it was a culmination of guilt, anxiety, and sadness. I pulled my hair back as I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet. This had been happening every day at least once and I was dreading the next nine months if this is what I would be looking forward to.

Once I was finished, I brushed my teeth, rinsing out my mouth thoroughly before making my way downstairs for a snack.

The cottage was cozy and intimate and completely not what I had pictured when Feyre said she had just the place in mind for me to escape to. It was located on the outskirts of the palace grounds of the day court, but the cottage itself was warded against all prying eyes. The wards had been put in place by Helion so none but his closest confidants had access to the home. I felt safe but mostly I felt alone.

Well mostly alone.

Lucien had been staying in the day court, learning the responsibilities required of a high lord, learning spells and wards and how to break them from Helion and he had been frequenting the cottage delivering food, supplies, books, and his company.

Helion had also been helpful, he had made sure the wards were strong enough to hide me from Azriel and he had provided me everything I needed to be comfortable here. He had even secured me a healer, he said it would be good to have someone I trusted, especially this early on to answer my questions and make sure I was prepared for this.

I couldn’t deny that I was terrified of being pregnant. Helion had an extensive library and in my free time I found myself wandering through the tomes looking for information on half Illyrian children, on the difficulty of pregnancy for fae women who mated with Illyrians. I also communicated a lot with Feyre about it. Considering that she knew the dangers firsthand of what having an Illyrian child could do to one’s body. She wrote me letters practically every day soothing my nerves with comforting words of encouragement and although my heart was aching for updates on Azriel, I never once asked. Mostly because I couldn’t bear to hear the answer.

Knowing that sleep was useless at this point I made my way to the main room which contained the kitchen, living, and dining area. I put some water on to make some tea and sat on the couch opening the book I had discarded last night.

I had only managed a few pages before the kettle began whistling. I bookmarked my page and stood, grabbing a mug from one of the shelves and throwing a tea bag into it, filling it to the brim with the bubbling water. I carefully grabbed the handle setting the mug on the table in front of the couch. I would wait a few minutes for it to cool before attempting to drink and in the meantime, I would continue with some light reading.

As I scanned the page, the words in front of me seemed to blur together as my eyes drifted closed and I fell into a dreamless sleep.

-----

“We have discussed this at length now. I don’t know what you expect from me” Rhysand said, his tone gentle but firm.

“I expect you to support me” Azriel exclaimed “For fuck’s sake we’re brothers”

“You think this isn’t hard for me Az? Having to go to this length because you didn’t stay away from Elain like I fucking told you to?”

“I already told you what happened Rhys” the shadowsinger said, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance. He had been having the same conversation for the last week trying to get any information out of the high lord and lady about your whereabouts.

“Yeah, I know what you told me, but I also know what y/n heard. I know what she felt and how she processed it, and I promised her I would protect her.” Rhys said “god damnit Az…what the fuck do you expect me to do?”

“Tell me where she is” Azriel begged “that’s all I’ve been asking you for the last week.”

“You know I can’t” The high lord said firmly. “You know I’m doing this for you.”

Azriel paced in front of the fireplace before sitting on one of the chairs of the high lords office, resting his head in his hands. “What if our roles were reversed. W-what if it was Feyre when she was pregnant? You know how long I’ve waited for this Rhys, waited for a family…for a baby” his voice cracked “and now I-I’m missing it”

“I know Az.” He said clasping a hand to Azriel’s shoulder “I fucking know okay, you know how feral I was, h-how protective I was of them both during the beginning. But until I can understand why Elain would lie, why she would manipulate the situation this way it keeps y/n safe. It keeps your child safe. We don’t know why you were targeted and until Elain comes out of it, we only know half of what happened.”

“I know. Just…p-promise me that they are both safe” Azriel said wiping away a tear, because he knew that Rhysand was right, and he wouldn’t dare put you in danger.

The night you fled is fragmented in Azriel’s mind, in fact he can’t even remember most of it. He definitely doesn’t remember a conversation with Elain and the more he thinks about it there are all these gaps in his memory. Nights he can’t recall and whole days where his actions are blurred like he was a completely different person.

He was determined to get to the bottom of this, He and Rhysand were already putting the evidence together figuring out why Azriel would be a target and who would gain from his downfall.

Azriel had made a promise to himself that he would get his family back it was only a matter of time, and he had to hold on to hope that when the time came you would understand, that you would listen to him, and that eventually you would forgive him.

-----

I woke to the smell of food cooking and the familiar aroma of mahogany and crackling embers which told me that I was not alone.

I rubbed my eyes, sitting up and stretching my limbs before padding to the kitchen where Lucien was.

“How are we feeling today mama?” Lucien asked over his shoulder as he his attention was fixed on the stove.

“Nauseous, tired, bloated, over-emotional…just the usual” I said opening the refrigerator for a drink.

“Well, according to my father that is all completely normal at this stage considering what you’re going through” he said with a smirk as he shoveled the contents of the pan onto two plates, placing one of them in front of me.

“What’s on your mind.” He asked “you seem particularly distracted this morning.”

I shook my head, taking a bite of the eggs and toast he had made for me.

“What are you an expert on my body language now?” I snapped “I’ve only been here a week.”

He nodded, drinking his coffee. “Look, I know you’re struggling to deal with all of this” he said softly “and you can’t push me away no matter how much you may want to.”

“I know” I said solemnly “I’m sorry it’s just that I-” I paused, taking a shaky breath. He nodded at me to continue.

“I don’t know how I’m going to do this alone” I said, my voice cracking as I struggled to hold back my tears but the words just kept pouring out of my mouth “I thought that we would do this together. Azriel and I and then he- he- cheated on me with her and now I’m here and I’m alone and I-I’m pregnant and I am scared and the one person who I thought I could count on is the person I have to hide from and my life is falling apart and I just- I feel so fucking alone”

“Y/n you are not alone- I am here for you and though you can’t see them your other friends are here for you too” he said pulling me into his broad chest tucking my head under his chin and he simply held me, allowing me to cry.

He held my face in his hands, wiping away my tears “If anyone can understand the heartbreak of the mating bond it’s me- you know the guy who has been rejected countless times by his mate” he finished it with a sweet smile and I couldn’t help but smile back

“Thanks Lucien” I said softly “for being here and checking on me, for everything.”

“Always darling” he said “now finish your breakfast, its important that you are eating well and often.”

“I know, I know” I said taking another bite of my breakfast “are there any letters for me today?” I asked.

He pulled a small bundle out of thin air, one of his many tricks, and handed it to me. There were three envelopes, on top was Feyre’s delicate script, followed by Nesta’s and as I looked at the last one my heart skipped a beat. I recognized his handwriting in an instant. Azriel.

But how did it get here?

“You don’t have to read it if you aren’t ready” Lucien said “Feyre sent it with hers, apparently he begged her to and you know how much of a sap she is sometimes”

I simply looked at it, debating the pros and cons of it. Could I handle his apologies right now? Did I even want to hear them? Did he deserve that? the answer to them all, at least right now was simple.

I handed his letter to Lucien “Hold on to this for me, until I ask for it” I said.

He grabbed it and it vanished into thin air without another word.

“So, what’s on your agenda today” Lucien asked changing the subject

“I wanted to do a little more research in the library, and I think I have an appointment with the healer later. Can you come over for that?” I asked “I don’t know if I can handle it alone.”

“Of course” he said “like I said, you’re not alone in this”

Lucien stood to collect the dishes, cleaning up from breakfast while I read the letters from Feyre and Nesta. There wasn’t much to report but it was nice to stay informed, it was nice that they thought to write even about the mundane happenings back home.

I wrote some replies, telling them I would have more information after the healer tonight and to give everyone my love. Once satisfied I handed them off to Lucien and changed clothes for the day, Lucien helped put on the glamour I was wearing to go out in the court so I could move about without being recognized and we went to the library.

I would never get over the view of the library. It was a towering structure, so many tall spires that were filled with books, all the knowledge of Prythian. The carvings in the stone so intricate and the greenery growing around the building entombing the sides with vines, flowers, and moss. Lucien and I entered immediately going to the medical section to return a scroll I had borrowed yesterday about Illyrian anatomy. I had been keeping questions for the healer about my body and whether the delivery would be safe. I pulled another from the shelf it was on medical breakthroughs of the second age. I also walked around the romance section pulling some leisure reading for later when I undoubtedly couldn’t sleep. Lucien took care of transporting them to the cottage.

Before I knew it the sun was setting, and Lucien winnowed us back to the cottage to meet the healer.

Her name was Mila. She was a woodland nymph who moved to the Day Court to study under Helion. She had spent a time working with Madja in Velaris and with high lord Thesan in the Dawn Court. She was exceptionally gifted and was kind, answering all my questions calmly and encouraging me to keep asking questions through this process.

“So, I know your biggest concern is the birth” Mila said “I have been studying various alternatives to a traditional delivery that we can discuss as the time gets closer so we have a plan in place. I would like to try for a traditional delivery because it is much less stressful on the body but yours and the babes health come first always so we can be flexible”

I nodded my head with her “and everything is okay so far?” I asked

“as far as I can tell” Mila said “babe is strong, they have a strong heartbeat and seem to be growing at a normal rate. I would say you are about 4 months along or around 16 weeks.”

“That fits the timeline” I said with a smile

“Do you want to know the sex?” Mila asked

“You can tell that now?” Lucien said. I had almost forgotten he was here and I was grateful now to have a friend.

“Well, it’s a mixture of magic and a little faith” Mila said

“I don’t know” I said looking to Lucien for support.

“Why don’t you write it down and if she wants to open it she can when she’s ready” Lucien offered

Mila nodded moving over to me and whispering a series of words while holding a pendant above my womb. She smiled and wrote something on a scrap of paper tucking it inside an envelope before handing it to me.

“I’ll be back in two weeks’ time for another checkup” she said before walking out the front door and winnowing away.

I grabbed the envelope tucking it into the book I was reading.

Lucien bid me a goodnight, leaving me with a warm dinner and headed off to the palace.

As I sat on the couch once again alone in the cottage, I felt a faint flutter in my lower stomach, I had read that at this point in the pregnancy you could sometimes feel the baby move.

I took it as a sign.

A sign that I could do this.

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Thanks for Reading ❤️

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Taglist (all fics) ->

@cherryjain17 @we-were-beautiful @moonfawnx @aroseinvelaris @daily-dose-of-sass @marvelouslyem @moonlightazriel @indaybella99 @gray08 @dreamsofivy @gorgeouslysent @viradeity @kennedy-brooke @maddistyles17 @thewarriormoon @pixiestix13 @lucyysthings @a-frog-with-a-laptop @starswholistenanddreamsanswered @purplevitagen @devilsfoodcake22 @lillithathecat @baby-is-crying @nightcourtwritings @lastwandastan @marudersarehot @georgiastars13 @percyjacksonspeen @inpraizeof @piebymesstuff @maviee @theravenphoenix26 @sunnys-interests @ahahah-noo @hiza-46 @humanpersonlasttimeichecked

Taglist (Azriel Only) ->

@ellievickstar @supersoldierswhxre @marina468 @positivewitch @holb32 @meghan52300 @lookingformarissa @wavrica @bigcreatorwombatdreamer

#azriel x reader #azriel x y/n #lucien vanserra #helion #rhysand x feyre #night court #day court #acotar #acotar series #acotar fanfiction #acotar fanfic #acotar angst #bookish-whore