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butwhatifidothis · 1 year

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Okay, I'm morbidly curious, how racist is this chapter? Did Cap really outdid himself here with the dehmunaizing language and rhetoric? And Sothis bless you for enduring through this trashfire. I can't believe people legitimately think this is a must recommendation to understand E**lgard's character and 3H in general with some treating it as more canon than the base game.

Okay, so. Buckle up cuz it’s a bit of a doozy

To start with the “””””””small””””””” stuff, there’s that whole “There was no name in Fodlan’s language for what to call this monstrous form” comment that is very clearly explicitly racist towards Nabateans. Ignoring the fact that Dragon Claws are a weapon in 3H and thus the concept of the word “dragon” exists in 3H’s world, which the Immaculate One is very much a staple example of and thus could easily be described with that particular word in Fodlan’s language - that “monstrous form” is just a state that Rhea’s race can naturally become as a part of their natural biology. Being unable to find the words to “properly” describe how inhuman and beastial she sees this form, when a perfect apt word literally does exist that has no racist undertones at all, would make Woobiegard, at the FUCKIN’ BEST, seem outrageously callous. But that wouldn’t be the first time she’s called Rhea a monster though:

“All that monster had to do was wear a funny hat, and spout some meaningless platitudes about mercy…

(oh, maybe she means “monster” as in Rhea as a person is a monster-)

“ And now, just like Seiros, Woobiegard was alone. Would she lose herself, just as the Saint had? Would she descend into madness, believing in her righteousness even as she damned herself? Without her loved ones, her father and Byleth, perhaps that nightmarish form, that husk she had seen in her dreams, would reveal itself — just like the Immaculate One.

(oh, well, no, not really. Describing Rhea’s other form that is natural to her biology to the mutated “nightmarish form” of the Hegemon Husk - classy!)

Then we get to this bit in Chapter 63:

“The Crests were to blame, not just because of the rapes and kidnappings and savagery that they legitimized, but because they told the world what people could be.

So, the natural blood of the Nabateans that was stolen by humans and made important to human society by humans are to blame for society’s horrific shortcomings. Humans are innocent - it’s the Nabatean’s fault for having magic blood! Humans can’t be expected to not commit genocide and steal Nabatean blood to use for their own gain, or to not directly benefit from said genocide, or to not fuck each other over in the pursuit of this stolen blood of genocide victims, or anything silly like that. We must blame the natural product of this race’s blood that they had no say in humans having.

(also, uh, ignore that mask slip of “could be” and not “should be,” since that implies Crested humans actually do have a choice which Woobiegard very much wants people to think they don’t until she saves them)

And mind, Woobiegard, does, in fact, know about what Nemesis did, and what happened from it. Chapter 50:

[Nemesis] murdered Seiros’ entire family, in a bid for power.

She knows of the genocide, she knows that power was gotten from said genocide, she knows a human committed said genocide to gain said power - still Crests’ fault tho! If Crests (aka, Nabateans) never existed, everything would be so much better for everyone!

And then there’s the top dog, the Big Boy, the culmination of a repeated racist sentiment vomited across the course of the fic. Woobiegard had a line waaaaay earlier in the fic that was already omega racist, right? This one, from Chapter 9:

"Of course, the Church had “mediated” that separation [of Faerghus and Adrestia], and given what Woobiegard now knew about the immortal archbishop, she strongly suspected Faerghus' independence was a pretext to keep humanity divided and weak, dependent on the Church’s protection.”

She then says this waaay later, in Chapter 63, bold mine:

"Woobiegard glared at her opponent. “You speak of betrayal, Archbishop, but who was the one who claimed to speak as the Goddess’ Voice?! Who allowed the Southern Church to ferment rebellion in the Empire, and sanctified a Holy Kingdom?” She felt the anger tumble out of her in a righteous wave. “I swore the same oath that Wilhelm did, upon the red blood and the white sword, the ancient covenant between the Hresvelgs and the Church. I promised to achieve peace for all, Crest or no Crest… have you done the same?””

So basically, her racist conspiracy theory she mentally spouted out in Chapter 9 and over the course of the fic is being given legitimacy here; she's being presented in the right for saying Rhea was wrong for separating Faerghus from Adrestia, the act of which Woobiegard believes Rhea did so that she could install herself as the shadow ruler of the country. And this coexists along other moments of Woobiegard thinking this (asterisks mine):

Chapter 49:

“As soon as I am finished retaking this continent for humanity, *the children of the Goddess will no longer control Fódlan‘s destiny.*”

Chapter 50:

She had even witnessed the secret past of this continent — the *lies and manipulations of the children of the Goddess,* infusing their faithful followers with the blood of the Immaculate One.

Chapter 50, bold not mine:

The Flame Emperor looked up at the eager face of one of the children of the Goddess, the *very rulers she had sought to overthrow.* How could this be? How could she stand alongside the Black Eagles, and fight for humanity’s future?

Chapter 53:

She turned, and saw the one figure she had hoped to avoid above all else. *Woobiegard despised the Children of the Goddess for what they had done to Fodlan — standing above, concealing the truth from the people…* despite her sobriquet, the Flame Emperor’s soul was given more to cold, icy rationality then the burning flames of hate. Yet when she looked at Flayn, some long-concealed anger roiled within her.

With all this capped off a bit earlier in Chapter 63, when Woobiegard says this in response to Rhea calling her a mutinous whelp (which, to be clear, Rhea does call Canongard in canon, least in the ENG version):

“A mutinous whelp, am I? So you admit you stand above all of us, striking down those who dare to stand against your rule.”

And she like. Says this one. Like out loud. Meaning her racism is no longer confined to just her thoughts, but spoken for the whole class to hear... and say nothing against. The closest the fic’s come to doing this before is Marianne and Seteth in Chapter 54 and the shitty things she said to him then (that the Church - aka, the Nabateans - hurt Marianne the same way Nemesis hurt them). But she'd never said that it was Nabateans as a race that were to blame (and we don't have access to her thoughts to know if that's what she thought), and also at that point in the fic the possibility still existed, however minimally, for Seteth and Flayn to change everyone’s minds. They could have shown Woobiegard that she was wrong to think of the Nabateans so horribly - and not because “there are goods ones,” but because making blanket assumptions about an entire race is, like... inherently wrong.

But this chapter, and this quoted line, pretty much conclude that nahhh Woobiegard WAS right all along! It’s not that Seteth and Flayn showed her that Nabateans haven’t taken over the government, their whole point in joining her side was to rebuild themselves into better people as recompense for having taken over the government, with her guiding and righteous light leading them down the path of redemption! And - shot in the dark here, haven’t finished the chapter yet - should the pattern be upheld, Rhea can join them too :)

To almost be fair to the fic, Canongard also believes in the racist conspiracy theory that the Nabateans control every facet of the government and must be destroyed as a race to eradicate their influence from humans. But you see, Canongard is, y'know, wrong in believing that? And is racist for believing that? And in every route other than hers, the villain route, she gets killed by the heroes? And Rhea is saved from Canongard's clutches? Which isn't happening here: Woobiegard is right, she definitely isn't racist, and she is the one true hero. All the times she would think the most racist shit ever about Nabateans are, in this chapter, being completely validated.

Any chance for the fic's tendency to lay the blame for everyone's woes on the Nabateans' shoulders to ever be rectified has been made monumentally harder to pull off with this. This close to the end, and the protagonist is righteous in spouting their racist beliefs to the face of the persecuted minority they are trying to murder - which they are trying to do, in large part, because that character is a specific race that the protagonist explicitly says they despise. Their racist conspiracy theories are being proven "correct." The persecuted minority is definitively in the wrong and is guilty of everything the racist protagonist accused them of.

And as you can see from the quotes, Woobiegard has not been blaming just Rhea. She has not been specific about the person she despises. She very clearly says that she blames Nabateans as a whole. She very clearly states that she despises Nabateans as a whole. And that hatred for Nabateans, at least at the point of the chapter I'm at right now, is being justified as right. And in the entire narrative of this fic, Woobiegard isn't just right, she is the only person at all, in any timeline, who is ever right.

I am prayin' on my damn knees that by the time this fic ends this shit will have the mother of all explanations as to why this ISN'T astoundingly racist on its face, but brother that's gonna need a mighty big mama to be good enough

#ask #anon #o captain my captain #when my head hit my hands reading this like holy shit #I really want to say that maybe I'm just overthinking this? But it just looks. SO bad #basically the thing with this chapter is the validation of previously stated racist sentiments more than it is straight up ''more'' racism #before you could argue that it was just Woobiegard's warped perspective and not that she was actually right - now? not as much

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stone-97 · 4 months

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Interlude GGY: My Secrets Laid Bare

I expected to never wake again, content to vanish into thin air. Many say that your afterlife depends on how you lived your life. An expanse of white and blue beyond my room the only splash of color in this Purgatory of mine. As expected prior to my little Kill Switch, I ended up in the most befitting of Afterlife for a being like me; too machine-like to be mistaken for a human, human-like enough to be judged after death.

It’s peaceful here, my punishment was the very thing I desired, silence and books everlasting. With nothing but time and books to read, I ruminated on my past and what I left behind. I lived in paranoia and puppet strings, no light or miracle was in sight, a human puppet, in every sense of the word. I was taught not to feel, to imitate the living, to better hunt the boss’s preferred prey.

However, the weasel never put stock in what would happen if I disagreed with his pet and him. Many of my thoughts are as mechanical as the chip I was made from, hence why my loyalty was as fake as the Plex’s pizza. Without true loyalty, my words were little more than lip service and false platitudes, that was enough to keep them away.

Can’t deny I wasn’t the most innocent creature to ever live. I committed many crimes on people for my selfish desires, performed many wretched mind games from Saw movies to obtain whatever I wanted from criminals that fell under my gaze. However, I refused to kill children, such actions were pointless, combined with the public’s suspicions towards the Plex in general would've led to police busting down the doors en mass. That included the weasel’s failed plan at possessing a flesh and blood body, an intriguing ritual that required pure parental love to work.

Under the eyes of the law, I would be declared unstable and lacking humanity, they wouldn’t be wrong but to myself, the only crimes I committed were upon the vile and inhumane. I saw nothing wrong with committing my version of karma on them, my prey wouldn’t be missed, and making them disappear like they didn’t ever exist. The reality was no One would ever miss what was universally hated by society and the world.

His last name brought up one of two projects I kept “shelved” when the “Wizard” inquired. Luis Cabrera was as sharp as a Cyber Security employee, yet blind when it came to Vanny and Vanessa. It shouldn’t have been possible, but it was so obvious I splashed cold water in my face to ensure I hadn’t been dazed or dreaming the conclusion.

“Vanny loved another, it’s almost impossible to acknowledge.” I feel something alien in me, was this humor?

“For all his bragging, the “Wizard” was a jealous bot it seems.” I seem to be contemplating this more with every passing day.

“Truly Vanny, you discarded something worthwhile for a petulant machine.” My mocking brings up a forgotten memory.

“Seems you truly couldn’t throw him away, could you?” Vanny’s manic handwriting was easy to decipher.

I find myself fascinated by Vanny’s actions, what drove her to lie and disobey our “Master.” Very few things could be said about her, the biggest being she’s a pleaser. She couldn’t go a day without trying to please our boss or try to impress the FazEnt vultures. Luis, she had a special little room dedicated to the time she’d been at their home. Seems like he had a profound impact on her.

“She must’ve been squirrelling away Remnant to bring him back. Shame that Amalgatronic tried to use his corpse.” Twirling a trophy of mine brought back that particular day.

That horrific day marked Vanny’s turn, from loyal puppet to empty follower. Seems the “Wizard” had ordered Vanny’s Prototype Units to patrol his lair. Blind luck is what I called that incident, apparently the Prototypes programming was crafted using Ennard’s as a base. Afton truly was a monster, Ennard was described as a body snatcher in the blueprint, reports were logged of the old wire mass trying to shove itself down a technician’s throat before he was deactivated. No surprise Luis’s corpse ended up that way.

“The surprise came from Vanny, that was the first time I’d seen her use a sledgehammer though.” The trophy was a smashed core, unique in its appearance.

“She still has the gift he made for her; how ironic such a gift had been his end.” My scribbling has grown from one set of pages to two.

“Such irony hadn’t been lost on her though as the scars are telling, especially around the wrists.” It’s rare for me to feel such melancholy, especially for Vanny.

“She made her choice and chose wrong, on top of refusing to learn what the truth is.” I wonder if there’s an answer for this.

“In a different universe, would our two places be switched, or would it be a worse end?” A question with no answer, such curiosity would break a lesser AI.

It’s confusing to me because I hold a great amount of anger and pain towards what is essentially my parent unit, but HATE isn't there. Vanny poured zero effort in concealing that particular info dump, no secrets was her directive so why lying to what essentially would be her child. Looking back, the majority of my code was from the chip that Vanny dwelled within, so there was a great deal of truth in that explanation of hers. I close the book without a second look, my ramblings marking this discovery will need to be burned, can’t have anyone learning of this particular bit on Vanny, or my origins.

#fnaf au #fnaf ggy #fnaf sb #mentions of scars #fnaf vanny #vanny and ggy are related #ggy is neutral good #vanny loved Luis #ggy in purgatory #post-GGY #Tales of the Pizzaplex is canon in my AU

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malachi-walker · 4 years

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Some Really Heavy Thoughts on the Relationship Between Scorpia and Catra

Fair warning, guys: I'm gonna get into some deeply personal stuff involving abuse recovery and past mistakes here. I will not be making excuses for Catra or her treatment of Scorpia, but well... Let's just say there's a reason why their relationship has always me wince. Because it touches on some stuff that is likely relevant to a lot of ex-abuse victims.

This entire meta stems from an epiphany I had while discussing with @johannas-motivational-insults how I have a really hard time writing Scorpia, and me trying to pinpoint what exactly makes me so uncomfortable working with her or looking at her relationship with Catra in detail.

Let me back up a bit. We all love Scorpia. She's a big cuddly sweetheart without a mean bone in her body. She's fantastic, a bright point in the overall suckage that is the Horde, and she gives GREAT hugs. So why does their relationship bother me so much?

Well... It's because I've been there once before in my own life. And it's one of my deepest regrets, so seeing that play out on screen and instinctively knowing where this is going fucking sucks.

Personal stuff under the cut.

We've already covered Scorpia being a good kid. That said, I feel like a lot of people just flanderize her into being this perfect wonderful friend who wholly accepts Catra (and conversely either woobify Catra or make her a horrible monster who doesn't appreciate a good thing) but... the truth is a lot more nuanced than that.

Scorpia doesn't wholly accept Catra because in order to truly accept someone you have to see them for who they really are, warts and all, and Scorpia doesn't. She idealizes Catra and either ignores or downplays her very real flaws and problems, and tries to excuse any actions she commits that don't live up to that constructed image, which is of course what she confronts in s4 (and I’m proud of her for that.) It's not done with any ill intent, but it's still not a good thing in any relationship; romantic, platonic, familial, any kind.

Here's where things get real personal. Also, I wanna specify that I am not forcing myself to talk about this, even though it still hurts in a lot of ways. Though I am probably gonna bring this up with my therapist when I next see her.

I've mentioned before in previous meta that I am an ex-child abuse victim who followed a very similar trajectory to Catra once I got out of that situation. I was angry, I was hurt, and I was ADAMANT that nobody get close to me again and fully prepared to lash out as much as I needed in order to make that happen. Occasionally people would slip through my guard anyway, but on the whole I was very successful at that goal and torpedoed a lot of bridges back in those days.

And as much as it kills me to admit it... I had my own Scorpia too.

Her name was Amy, and I met her in my freshman year of high school after I ended up in a private school for the “gifted and talented” (which ended up being its own mistake, but that's a story for another day.)

To put this entire situation into perspective: at the time I was struggling to process and cope with my abuse, I had just been misdiagnosed with major depression after an entire year of contemplating suicide, and I had been put on a ridiculously high dosage of the antidepressant Wellbutrin--literally the highest dosage they could legally give an adolescent without the risk of seizures--which cranked my rage up to a constant underlying simmer and also gave me horrific fucking nightmares, to the point that for about a year and a half I was consistently only getting two hours of sleep because I was waking up screaming nearly every night. This is not me making excuses for being such a dick, but I do try to keep in mind that younger me was dealing with an absolute shitshow when passing judgment on myself. I was trying to survive a situation that absolutely no one was equipped to handle at all of 14 years old.

And then here comes Amy.

Amy was one of those people who was relentlessly optimistic to an almost suspicious degree (more on that later.) The kind of person who will reply to any statement of "I'm having a bad [x]" with generic look-on-the-bright-side platitudes and a big smile without actually addressing anything you said. She was also one of those people who was aggressively Christian, not in a mean way, but in an "it was her answer for literally everything" way, which given that I was struggling with my own faith at the time was practically a recipe for disaster.

But for whatever reason, this girl latched onto me, no matter how much I tried to get her to do otherwise.

I wanna note that I wasn't wholly devoid of friends at the time; my best friend, Michael (who is still my best friend/bro to this day) had also gotten into the school along with me, but the rest of our friend group hadn't and those relationships drifted apart in the ensuing years, which only served to compound the underlying issues. And I will always be thankful that the guy was able to roll with the punches and stick by me even through my absolute worst, but it was also pretty irritating having to switch between my bro who understands me even if he didn’t always agree to my much tenser interactions with Amy. So back to her.

Basically, this girl just kinda inserts herself into my life, refuses to take a hint or back off, and any time I try to talk about my issues or get her to understand a little and make an actual connection, I'm met with the overwhelming feeling of "You're not really seeing me. You're not listening." So I responded by being a fucking bitch. I would ignore her, make fun of her, treat her like a third wheel, etc. In hindsight, it was a dick move, but at the time it made sense to me. I genuinely felt like it was her fault for never listening to me in the first place, so I justified it by telling myself I was just paying her back in kind.

I lost touch with Amy after I was kicked out of school at the tail end of freshman year due to a Wellbutrin-induced rage episode (nobody got hurt, but my attitude at the time was so consistently extreme that the school administration literally had an inch thick dossier on my behavior and what the other kids thought of me, so that incident was just what they needed to justify kicking me out.) Afterwards, my parents made the decision to relocate to another town since my expulsion meant I would be banned from going back into school for a full year unless we changed systems--and even then I was required to go into a continuation school to prove I had been rehabilitated, but I digress. Point is that I was uprooted from that environment and I didn't bother keeping in touch.

I actually found out years later from a friend who went to that same high school--though we didn't actually become friends until after my expulsion--that the reason why Amy was the way she was is that in the year prior to meeting me, her mother had committed suicide and she had been the one to discover her body. So in hindsight, her entire deal made sense: she was trying to survive in the only way she knew how and cope with a situation no one should ever have to, same as me.

But that didn't mean we were able to connect. The great tragedy of that situation, and the thing I regret the most about it, is that we were just two horribly damaged kids that were utterly incapable of actually seeing each other as we were at the time. And it ultimately wasn't anybody's fault, which ironically makes it even harder to accept.

I regret the way I treated her. I wish I could have made her life a little better, and I still hope and pray she got the help she needed elsewhere.

That's what makes Scorptra so incredibly tragic to me as well. Scorpia is a good-hearted person who does genuinely care for Catra, but she also willfully blinds herself to the things Catra is dealing with and her relentless optimism often just ends up rubbing salt in the wounds. Catra is wrong to treat Scorpia so badly, but I also fully understand those feelings of resentment and anger you develop towards someone when they consistently refuse to see you as you are, because I've been there. And that's also why I've always had a hard time with Scorptra romantically (though if you ship it, good for you! I honestly wish I could), because those issues have always been present in their relationship and made it unsustainable from the very beginning.

Something was always destined to break between them. And that's what makes it so damn hard for me to write Scorpia as a character, because in many ways she reminds me of one of the things I regret the most in my life: how I treated someone else who had the best intentions horribly when I was at my absolute worst. These days I try to be kind to my past self as part of the healing process, but when I think of my actions in that year it is really fucking hard. I don't like to think about it, even though I know I feel like I need to (which is also why this meta exists.)

Neither Scorpia or Catra were at fault for the fact that they couldn't see each other properly: it was just a really bad case of wrong place, wrong time. And that's what makes it hurt.

Also, if you made it this far, I'm sorry this was so depressing. Please have a happy cat and scorpion to hopefully feel a little better. Also huge shoutout to @yesbpdcatra for encouraging me to get this out there. You're the best, fam.

#hoo boy #tw: child abuse #mention of suicide #the sometimes ugly messiness of the recovery process #hard personal truths #scorptra #spop meta #my meta

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why-this-kolaveri-machi · 5 years

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Grand Titans Rewatch: 1.02

it’s been literal months since i started this project and neither this nor the fic series that’s supposed to go alongside it has garnered much attention, if any, but damn it, i made a commitment and this time, i’m going to follow through.

for reference, episode 1’s recap here, and its corresponding fic tag is here.

SPOILERS ahead for pretty much the entire series.

1. the recap portion of the episode leans very heavily on the type of horror genre that rachel’s character brings to the show, and honestly, i love it. the superhero genre can feel very… sterile at times, with bright, clean colours and costumes and standard team-ups ending in a climactic punch-fest. the insidious horror of rachel discovering something huge and dangerous inside of her and trying—and largely failing—to control it bleeds into the rest of the show; each of the team has an inner demon to battle, but the lesson isn’t triumph over the beast as much as it is acceptance. it’s unfortunate that the dc live action universe in general has developed a reputation for being gratuitously grimdark; i love the thematic consistency that the tone brings to the show, and it is honestly the freshest take on these characters that i’ve seen so far.

1.5. there’s something to be said, too, about this muddy-window perspective we get into these established superheroes’ lives—the intriguing, sometimes downright opaque scenes of them trying to re-build from wreckage. i love that this is how they choose to distinguish themselves in a very, very crowded arena: the origin story here is not for the superheroes or even the team themselves, but the bonds they form and the family that they become.

2. i kinda love the clash between the goofy costume and the grimdark torture scene. it’s never immediately obvious, but this show is remarkably committed to its comic book roots—so much so that it’s kind of jarring. usually in the journey from the comic to the screen there is an ironing-out of genre and tone, but this show will show you its spandex clad hero with the plastic-feather cape being threatened with torture and castration because that’s how it goes in the comics, goddammit!

2.25. it’s pretty impressive that they’re able to afford such a big place in washington dc

2.5. hank and dawn’s easy intimacy is lovely to watch. i remember not being fond of this long detour to introduce these two relatively obscure characters right after all that juicy set-up in the first episode the first time i watched this, but now i can enjoy the languid way their story unravels, the little glimpses we get into the life they’ve led and the marks that it has left behind.

2.8. a delightfully cheesy moment with the giant bird cage immediately followed by a quietly devastating depiction of sexual impotence and a possible addiction to multiple painkillers! see what i mean?

oh! and before i forget:

MIRRORS, MIRRORS, EVERYWHERE: 9

3. flashback time! can’t say that i’m terribly impressed with the fight choreography; there appears to be hardly any contact between the heroes’ kicks and lunges and the thugs they’re supposed to be fighting, and a lot of slow-motion and editing trickery needs to be employed to make this look kinetic. i don’t really blame them much, though—those capes look awfully cumbersome to be just walking around in, leave alone fight. and i’m glad that the show is making a point of showing that robin’s style of fighting in flippier and more acrobatic than the others’.

3.65. aaaand we get our first hint of History between dick and dawn. to be honest, given what i remember of the rest of s1 and what we know of s2, it does seem like they’re making it so that the original titans did exist, swapping out roy and wally for hank and dawn. i’m not super-enthusiastic about this decision, but we’ll see how it plays out.

4. dick and rachel!

I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS INTERACTION:

a) rachel desperately trying to hide how scared and vulnerable she feels behind brittle defiance

b) dick bemused and concerned and casting around for ways to connect with her but giving up too easily

c) “for the lady” – oh, dick. i love you.

d) rachel warily checking her reflection

e) dick making false promises of safety to rachel in order to get her to come with him to washington—a manipulative little ploy that i’m sure was par-for-the-course during his time with batman

f) “but sometimes there’s no time to be scared” is that what kid!dick told himself when he was starting out as robin oh my heart hurts

g) dick just dropping out of his job for an indefinite time without notice because why in the world would bruce wayne’s ward ever have to worry about keeping down a steady job? he’s utterly unconscious of this, which makes it hilarious

MIRRORS, MIRRORS EVERYWHERE: 10

5. i’m already really fond of rohrbach and charlie the m.e. i know s2’s slate is already really crowded, but i wouldn’t mind seeing a resurrected rohrbach make an appearance, and for bit more of a spotlight on dick’s day job.

6. OH MAN i honestly didn’t remember that dick phoned alfred this episode! and that he considered—for a second—calling bruce! poor guy’s genuinely scared. for all his ‘fuck batman’s, dick’s anger and fear is more internally directed than he realises. this boy needs therapy.

6.5. dick going “… obviously” at rachel telling him not to get pineapple on their pizza makes me think he was definitely setting out to get pineapple on their pizza at that moment.

6.75. oh fuck. i knew it was coming, but that dead guy screaming at rachel through the photo was still terrifying. man i wish they’d stuck a little longer with the horror/mystery vibe they’ve got going here.

MIRRORS, MIRRORS EVERYWHERE: 11

6.8. dick immediately reaching out to hold rachel and comfort her as she sobs, terrified, in the bathtub shouldn’t feel particularly special or heartwarming—it’s a very natural, human instinct, after all—but for this particular version of dick grayson to automatically show this compassion when he’s half convinced himself that his lifetime as a vigilante has left him an amoral husk of his previous self… is significant.

7. it’s an interesting choice to go with the nuclear family as the first major villains featured on this show, but fits totally with the tone so far—the dark, despairing and dank things that hide underneath a cracking veneer of cheery suburban normality. pretty standard horror genre stuff—with an added twist that these people aren’t actually androids, but regular people horrifically tortured and brainwashed to act as murder machines.

7.5. aside from that, it’s a neat contrast to the found family that’s actually starting to evolve, with all of its rough edges and imperfect but raw displays of love.

8. i really like that, for all that rachel and dick have in common, their interaction is weird, start-stop in nature, each dancing around answering the others’ questions with any kind of honesty. rachel has clearly picked up on dick’s caginess around her and dick, for all that he’s been trained in subterfuge and basically been living a lie to most of his friends and co-workers, is unable to keep acting like he knows what he’s doing. he hasn’t had to really live a double life in a while—and he’s rusty when it comes to doing anything that’s not detective or vigilante work.

8.5. dick’s interactions in general through the series contrast with the easy and intimate ways the others talk with each other; he’s just so isolated and so friggin rusty at this.

9. you’d think rachel would’ve figured out by now not to shake random people’s hands.

9.25. i’m so happy about this show’s commitment to showing just how much of a hot mess dick is.

9.35. i’ve certainly warmed up to the icy, washed-out way this show looks, and the general sense of… space, both in terms of physical space as well as the way each scene is allowed to unfold and just breathe. you don’t get that a lot in superhero media these days.

9.45. an update to the dick grayson timeline! dawn says she hasn’t seen dick in four years and seems genuinely surprised to learn that he’s working with the police now. so how do you go from zero to detective in just four years? is that even possible? the timeframe becomes even shorter if you assume that he only decided to join law enforcement after leaving batman. maybe that’s just another thing that dick kept hidden from his friends, even when they were, you know, friends.

anyway, dick continues to be a hot mess, and i am glad that is consistent over every on-screen iteration.

9.5. i am genuinely unsure why this dick/dawn history exists other than to create some weird conflict between hank and dick. i’d much rather that conflict come from dick being an asshole generally and dropping all contact with his friends when it all became just Too Much To Deal With.

10. OH MAN so him contacting alfred was to arrange a big sum of money to pay off hank and dawn?? yep, dick is 100 percent bruce wayne’s protégé. i’m sure he also thinks of this as a way to help hank recover and for hank and dawn to rebuild their post-vigilantism life. this is a terrible way to deal with your guilt, my friend.

and i love that all of this—the mistakes he’s making with rachel despite his genuine concern for and desire to help her, the way he’s unable to really talk to her instead of at her, his false platitudes when he thinks he has nothing to say—is a plausible reflection of the ways bruce floundered with him when he first took dick in. dick has spent so, so long as bruce’s sole heir; though i’m sure they learned to communicate better, the core dysfunction of his relationship with bruce is embedded in his bones.

but the show is clearly setting up the dick-rachel relationship to evolve—and in doing so, have dick come to terms with his own relationship with bruce, instead of spinning increasingly bitter and dark memories of it in his head.

all said, tho: what a dick move. in every sense of the word.

11. aaand here’s why i never understand criticism of this show that says dick is too dark: it’s just so typical of him to hold himself to insane standards and just cut loose and run whenever he feels he’s failed those standards. it’s why he’s always among the first choices to lead a team but his leadership almost never sustains very long. it’s why he’s everybody’s friend but so desperately, desperately alone, especially when it’s his turn to spiral and need help. it’s why when he is spiralling, he adopts spectacularly self-destructive methods to do so. standing aside while zucco died is essentially his (infamous) blockbuster moment, when he so egregiously compromised his moral code that he was forced to re-evaluate the very core of what he’d identified as for decades. he hates himself, but he splits the blame, recognising the very real damage being robin did to him but pinning everything that’s wrong with him on it.

this tracks with every version of dick grayson that i can think of, bar the golden age/silver age comics, more contemporary nightwing runs—especially after his stint as batman with damian as robin—where he’s matured a bit and more level-headed, and, of course, fanon.

11.5. but while dick is wrestling with himself, actual people do get hurt and lost on the wayside. i’m glad that this show is not shying away from showing that.

12. maaan you really, really didn’t have to do this to anyone, leave alone someone as prominent in nightwing’s history as amy rohrbach. still holding out hope that she’ll return somehow next season.

13. rachel using dick’s own words to get him to help hank and dawn… oh fuck yes.

13.5. to be perfectly honest, i quite enjoyed robin as this menace in the shadows, taking thugs down brutally when they can’t even see him. you never see hyper-competent robin on-screen anymore.

13.75. also? hank and dawn’s genuine horror at his brutality is another giant indicator that this is not a dick grayson who’s functioning optimally, by any standard. he needs a place to start growing from, and this is it.

14. dick getting called out on his bullshit is pretty satisfying to watch, no lie.

14.5. i’d forgotten just how brutally the nuclear family defeat hank, dawn, and dick. yikes.

14.8. that last shot of dick desperately trying to save dawn’s life while having flashbacks to his own parents falling to their deaths is so fucking haunting, holy shit.

15. that was… honestly so good, you guys! i remember seeing this episode for the first time and feeling a little irritated with the languid pacing and the way it seemed sort of like filler. but there’s so much great stuff that stands out to me on re-watch—this show genuinely rewards multiple viewings, even when you know what’s coming next.

#titans #meta #dick grayson #rachel roth #hank hall #dawn granger #a byronic cupcake #a gothic cookie #grand titans rewatch 2k19 #i actually had this almost fully typed out a few months ago #lost the whole thing in a computer crash #felt so dispirited it took me ages to get this thing going again #but by GOD i am going to finish this fucking project

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harry-sussex · 6 years

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My Thoughts on The Duke of Cambridge, The Duchess of Sussex, Kensington Palace, Accountability, and the Cyberbullying Task Force

I recognize that not everyone agrees with me, and that’s alright. I am more than willing to have a discussion but I implore you to be respectful about it. I believe in my soul that The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and The Duke and Duchess of Sussex would want their fans to discuss things civilly, respectfully, and fairly. As a fan of all four of them forever, I will engage in conversations that only treat them with the fairness, dignity, and respect that they deserve.

Prince William gave a powerful, honest, and bold speech today at the BBC on the topic of the cyberbullying task force he convened a year ago. Instead of the typical praises, thanks, and platitudes that are often synonymous with royal speeches, The Duke of Cambridge delivered a powerful and polarizing analysis of his contributions and lack thereof to the task force, including both successes and failures. Instead of proclaiming various successes on behalf of his task force, he admitted its faults, admitted its failures, admitted his own wrongdoings and biases. He vowed to use this as a learning experience so he could use his incredible platform to help victims of cyberbullying, and to - someday - eliminate it altogether.

This analysis came with a plea. Not directed towards the public, but directed towards social media developers. The plea was more of a subtle demand - a demand for social media developers to consider cyberbullying when further advancing technology for use in their platforms. His message became clearer and more powerful as he added a personal touch - he brought up the perils of raising three young children in a world of cyberbullying after having seen firsthand as an air ambulance pilot the effect words can have on vulnerable populations.

He held accountable the developers of social media platforms who are often reluctant to make changes that do not result in a direct profit. He commended these people for the undeniable impression they have made on the history of mankind, one that will last forever. But, he put the power in their hands - it is up to the developers to expand the safety and filtering features available on social media platforms to protect users.

He made it clear that it is not up to victims or the common population. These people should not be forced to scroll through their own feeds and they should not be responsible for reporting cyberbullying comments. In a perfect world, these comments should never reach anyone’s feeds. This world is not perfect and nobody is claiming it is. However, cutting off the availably of a platform for cyberbullying will eliminate or vastly decrease the number of comments made. That, as Prince William made clear today, is up to the developers and the developers alone.

My impression of this plea was that it was a place to start. Ultimately, the goal is to eliminate cyberbullying altogether. This is a tall order, one that is complex and not easily fulfilled. You cannot systematically change the minds of millions of people overnight. One must start with baby steps, and that starts with the people at the top. If developers admit their own accountability, vow to initiate programs and technological advancements that are for the good of mankind (if not for a direct profit), and initiate change in this way, it could trickle down to the masses. If there is no platform for hate speech and cyberbullying due to advancing technologies, then the effect of such hurtful words is minimized. Over time, this type of speech may even vanish.

This type of change cannot happen person-by-person. It has to happen within the technology of social media platform development. Prince William made that very clear in his speech today.

It is a noble endeavor supported by The Duke of Cambridge. It is even more noble that he admitted his approach was faulty at first, and that he vowed to learn from his mistakes and alter his approach to continue to combat cyberbullying in a more effective and efficient manner.

When I read the full transcript of the speech, I was stunned. And then I read it again, and I was proud. We have seen more so than ever this year that Prince William has a certain kind of skill that prioritizes diplomacy, intelligence, and the ability to speak about polarizing and often political subjects without leaning even a centimeter to either side. He is developing phenomenally as an heir, as the future Prince of Wales and as the future King.

It did not take long for people to condemn his words.

Reading the comments on the Kensington Palace Instagram page or Twitter feed is an exercise in restraint to Wales, Cambridge, and Sussex fans. For every positive comment, there are at least three negative - calling The Duchess of Cornwall a home-wrecker/”Not Diana”, calling the Duchess of Cambridge a slut/mattress, and repeatedly insisting that The Duchess of Sussex does not belong in the British Royal Family for reasons that many of them refuse to write out in words.

Everyone knows why they say that about Meghan, though. It may have a tiny bit to do with her being an American (xenophobia), it may have a tiny bit to do with her career prior to her marriage (classism/general judgment), and it may have a tiny bit to do with her being divorced (sexism).

The real reason, though, is that they’re racists. Plain and simple. They see the (relatively speaking) pure-white history of the British Royal Family, and they see that their beloved Prince Harry married a biracial divorced American actress, and they settle on the fact that she doesn’t “fit in.” That she doesn’t look like William, Catherine, or Harry. That she doesn’t have blonde hair or blue/green eyes or porcelain skin, that she doesn’t “match.” That she “sticks out.” It’s sickeningly racist. It’s horrific. It’s inexcusable and unforgivable and nauseating and cruel and disrespectful and I could go on and on and on with adjectives to describe just how terrible it all is. Yes, these are all things that I have read with my own two eyes about poor Meghan, who just happens to be biracial, who has a big heart and such compassion and empathy and sweetness and strength and who just happened to fall in love with and marry someone who just happens to be a British Prince.

Reading it with my own two eyes makes my skin crawl, makes my heart ache for this woman who I have grown to adore and for her husband who I have loved for several years.

And it’s horrible, and it’s infuriating. Whenever I scroll through, I often find myself seeing red not three comments down. Chris Jackson has had to disable comments on his photos of The Duchess of Sussex (and, to my knowledge, only The Duchess of Sussex). That’s not due to anything other than her being biracial. If it was about divorce, Chris Jackson would have had to disable comments on photos of The Duchess of Cornwall. If It was about sexism or classicism, Chris Jackson would have had to disable comments on The Duchess of Cambridge.

It’s about racism. Period. Maybe a tiny bit of xenophobia, but the real dominating reason for this is about racism.

People who have condemned Prince William’s speech today believe that he is being a hypocrite for speaking out against cyberbullying - especially so frankly and bluntly - because he does nothing to control the comment stream on the Kensington Palace Instagram and Twitter feeds. “He is in charge,” they say. “He doesn’t monitor the comment threads and therefore he is complicit in the racism that Meghan faces every day.”

Prince William has a job, and that job is to be The Duke of Cambridge, soon to be The Prince of Wales, the heir to the heir to the throne. A father, and a husband, and a son, and a brother. A Prince and a future King. His job is not monitoring the Instagram and Twitter comment threads to which I can almost guarantee he has no access. He does not control the Kensington Palace feeds or comments or replies. I would argue that he likely does not even have access to these accounts. Prince William - and his wife, and his brother, and now his sister-in-law - learned a long, long time ago to avoid the comments made about them and their family. Nobody in the world knows better than William and Harry how damaging the media and the general population can be when they’re greedy and unkind.

Kensington Palace has a staff of people whose entire jobs are dedicated to monitoring the social media presence of the Cambridge and Sussex households. Theoretically, these people could disable comments on all posts, and eliminate the platform altogether. Maybe that’s a conversation that has already been had, one that we are not privy to. Maybe it’s a conversation that they need to have.

But, in my opinion, what about the positive comments? What about the comments that recognize these four remarkable individuals as instruments for good? What about the citizens of the United Kingdom and of the Commonwealth who have a right to at least some access to the most relatable generation of the Royal Family? What about well-wishers from across the globe who want to wish love, happiness, success, and prosperity on the young British royals?

Is the Kensington Palace staff really going to penalize the positive and supportive commentators for the actions of the racists and bigots? How is that fair? Are they going to really further limited already-limited access to the Cambridges and Sussexes?

Eliminating the comments section on the Kensington Palace feeds does not teach people anything. It just allows them to be cruel somewhere else, directed at someone else. What does that accomplish? That’s not in line with Prince William’s message at all.

A huge part of the success of the monarchy is in public relations. If you take away yet another point of access to an already private group of young royals, people will only grow more and more aggravated. Charles’ popularity suffered for years and years and years. Even now, the polls (which should be taken with a grain of salt) indicated that the four younger royals hold significantly more popularity than the next King? The monarchy does not need the most popular generation of British royalty - arguably ever - to take any massive hits in popularity.

They could shut off the comment sections, sure. But really, what would it solve?

Who is accountable for the racist remarks made against Meghan? Easy - the commentators. The racists and the bigots. But, as Prince William made very clear in his speech today, it is immensely difficult to change the minds and perceptions of millions and millions of people all at once. I would argue that it’s pretty near impossible to do so.

Prince William’s charge was clear - the social media developers need to analyze their platforms and brainstorm better ways to monitor what is being said in comment threads and posts. These technologies will trickle down to the masses. If the ability to cyberbully is physically restricted by developing technology that prevents horrible comments and phrases from being published, then cyberbullying will diminish. Significantly.

Surely there are technological advancements that are within arm’s reach that could monitor for certain words and phrases. A simple code can scan letters, numbers, and symbols for a combination that forms a sentence/phrase/word, which can then be automatically flagged for review. Low-level staffers - employed by the social media platforms - can then review the automatic flags and make the judgment call on whether they’re considered cyberbullying or not. Users can report comments as well to bring the platform’s attention. They remove the comment if it meets the criteria of being hate speech in any way, and the staffers are held accountable in the workplace if they don’t. It isn’t seen by the public, nor is it seen by the target/victim. In the meantime, these staffers can peruse the replies and comments for anything not caught by the system. Cyberbullies lose their platform, lose their ability to garner attention through likes, comments, and reactions. Eventually? They’ll give up. It will take some time, effort, financial investment, and study. Trial and error. But theoretically? It can stop. Once the technology is developed and universally agreed upon by social media developers to utilize in their platforms, theoretically, hate speech on the Internet can cease to exist.

Is it Prince William’s job to come up with this? Absolutely not. His job, as I said before, is to be the heir to the heir, The Duke of Cambridge. It’s up to the developers at Instagram and Twitter and other major platforms. His job is to use his popularity, reputation, status, and platform bring attention to the matter, so more and more people begin to demand these improvements from the social media developers.

What did his speech today accomplish? Exactly that.

He, a high-profile royal in direct line to the throne, made a speech, charging the social media developers to come up with solutions such as these to protect vulnerable populations. He did exactly his job as father, husband, son, brother, former air ambulance pilot, Prince, Duke, and future King.

If these changes are made, they’ll also protect Meghan. If the social media giants invest in technology that can scan for and flag phrases such as “does not belong” or “not a real royal” or “too dark” or “messy hair” or any of the other dozens and hundreds of disgusting, racist phrases used to insult people of color, these advancements will not only protect regular people. They will protect Meghan.

If we broaden those phrases to include words such as “slut,” “home-wrecker,” etc., they’ll protect Catherine and Camilla. They’ll protect millions of women, children, and people of color all over the world who are subject to cruelty at the hands of the Internet every single day.

We know that William and Meghan have a warm and supportive relationship. We know that William is fiercely protective when it comes to his family - scarily so, if I may say so myself. Everything we have on the record about William and his interactions with Meghan indicates that he would be the first one to swing if anyone came after her. Maybe only second to Harry, but that’s because he’s just like his brother - passionate, fiercely loyal, even more fiercely protective. I have no doubt in my mind that William would never stand idly by as his sister-in-law is subject to such cruel commentary. And he hasn’t - as we have seen in the speech today.

Prince William is not a hypocrite. He does not stand by complicity while cyberbullying happens around him, while racism happens around him. He gave an entire speech today demonstrating just that. If anything, he is inciting exactly the change you all are looking for in the Kensington Palace comments section, albeit via a different method that you may have thought best.

In making the claims and charges he did in his speech today, Prince William began to incite change in an industry that has insofar been complacent by standing idly by, counting their millions while people suffer every day due to words spoken to them on the Internet. I can only hope that the developers will hear his message loud and clear, that they will bow to the pressures of the future King challenging them and calling them out and make the changes that he has demanded in order to provide a safer online community for the entire world.

#long post #VERY long post #here's my essay y'all #prince william #duke of cambridge #kate middleton #duchess of cambridge #Meghan markle #duchess of sussex #prince harry #duke of sussex #bbc18 #my post #royal fandom #british royal family

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fuckyeahimbrown · 6 years

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Dying Inside (The war of grief)

by Deborah Schurman-Kauflin Ph.D.

I am sorry you have found your way to this article because more than likely, you are reading it because you are suffering. In an instant, your life changed forever. You heard the news that no one ever wants to hear, words so horrible that you can’t even process them. Maybe your child was killed. Perhaps your loved one was diagnosed with a terminal disease, or it could have been you who got the bad news of illness. Your heart may have been broken when the love of your life betrayed you. And let’s not forget the silent grief of a child who has been abused and withers inside. There are many horrors in this world, and you may be one of the wounded warriors who limp through life after your life was destroyed.

I have worked with families of murder victims and police for many years. I also spend time advocating for those who have incurable, painful illnesses. In all my years, I have seen so much suffering and witnessed the secret tears of those who life has left behind. This article is for those of you who know the pains of great misery and the reality of how the world treats you when you are down.

Anyone who has been through a real trauma knows how it impacts your life. Devastation surrounds you, and at the time you need help most, many times, you don’t get it. In fact for a large group, help never comes.

Instead of softened empathy, you’ll hear all kinds of platitudes of how life’s sucker punch will make you stronger. Others will say it is part of some big mysterious universal plan that you are not allowed to know about, and that you simply must accept it (get over it). Then some will say the trauma was a good thing to bring about change in your life. For those of you out there that have heard these words, you know exactly how it made you feel. This notion that having your heart ripped out can make you stronger is nonsense. Destruction weakens you. It is the nature of the beast. Pain and suffering do not fortify you. They act like an anchor dragging you further and further into a dark pit. At best, some days all you can do is survive.

The raw nature of true trauma goes much deeper than societies will allow. What I mean by that is those suffering indeed suffer alone. In our world, people are not interested in hearing about the horror stories of others’ lives unless the stories are packaged into neat one hour television shows. To say that modern society is shallow is terrible understatement. People have become quite psychopathic in their lack of empathy.

Truth is very ugly. Anyone who has lived through or is living through hell knows what a horrific event can do to you. It ruins who you once were, and you know you will never be the same again. When your life has suffered a fatal blow, there is no coming back from that. You can’t be who you used to be. That simply is not possible, and for people who surround you, such a notion is unacceptable. People want you to be the sister, the wife, the brother, the husband or whoever they once knew. But how can you be who you were before that horrible event? After and during trauma, you are damaged. You change inside which is difficult for others. This can result in abandonment by people you thought were your friends. So many times, a husband will leave a sick wife or vice versa. ‘Friends’ slowly migrate away. Thus the hurt individual gets a double whammy.

There are many theories about grief, and people are not shy about telling you how they think you should be coping. However, there is no guide book for how you must respond to tragedy. Having worked with parents of murdered children and advocating for those suffering from incurable illnesses, I have seen what the war of grief does to human beings. They become battered as if combat veterans. They take one ‘punch’ right after another while doing their best to stay standing in a world that just doesn’t care about them. People will say that they care, but when you look at their behavior, it tells a much different story.

Sufferers are told hope is frail but difficult to destroy. They are lectured about how they must ‘get over’ the tragedy because it weighs them down. This advice is particularly cruel to those who lost a loved one or those enduring a horrible illness. There is no getting over having your life shattered into little pieces. Reality doesn’t work that way. Sure it reads well in books and sounds good in classes, but real life is very different from the world of ideas. If you have endured such things, you won’t get over it. You can integrate it into who you are, but you won’t forget.

Society in general has become quite indifferent to suffering of others. We have been so desensitized by the world’s traumas that our fellow man has become an object to be ignored. Anyone who has had the misfortune of being diagnosed with a bad illness knows how the medical system treats those who are suffering. Beyond the misdiagnoses and incorrect labels, patients suffer almost every indignity. When doctors cannot figure out what ailment patients have, patients automatically get labeled as head cases. Imagine what that does to someone suffering from a painful incurable disease that has been undiagnosed. Or take the example of the mother whose daughter had been murdered and her case botched by officers who were overly anxious to go off the clock. As she cried for justice she was told that this is the way things are, and she needed to pick up a hobby to distract her. One therapist told her to pick up a musical instrument, and she could strum her pain away!

So many parents of murdered children or those who are sick have had ‘friends’ slowly slide away as if no one will notice their absence. The fact is such people don’t want to see what could happen to them. The suffering is an ugly reminder to everyone what can happen in life, and for the shallow, walking away is easy. Then they don’t have to see the ugliness and can walk through life with their blinders on. And it isn’t just friends who jump off the sinking ship. Family members scatter as well. These fair weather relatives slink away when the going gets tough, but should there be any improvement, they come trotting back as if nothing ever happened. Yet the person who was going through the trauma knows exactly what transpired and what their fickle friends and family really are. There is no forgetting that.

Life destroying trauma is not something that the sufferer can get over. It bores into their souls and creates a new worldview where people become the enemy because frankly, they are. Few truly understand them which leads to isolation and an increasing inability to relate. If people are kicked when they are down, the injury sticks.

I know this sounds so ominous. Real life is messy and complicated and many times cruel. How many times have you gone through something so unbelievably horrifying that you can’t understand how it could have happened? You become lost in grief, almost as if in a parallel universe where everything seems backwards. Nothing is right, and without fail, when you are at your lowest point, bad things keep happening.

However, you are not alone.

There are others like you out there. There are walking wounded all around you who have learned to keep silent about their suffering. The pain you feel can be lessened. I’m going to be honest with you and say that your pain will never fully go away. Your loss will always be there, but this doesn’t mean that you cannot have a life after a trauma. It won’t be the life you planned, and I know how painful that can be. Just getting out of bed can be the best you can do in a day. If you think that is not big deal, then look at it another way. If you got out of bed, consider a victory. You did something, and that can be a first step. However, it will not be easy to find a new way of living. There are many obstacles in your way. Yet just trying can help build your self esteem.

I met a woman who was the victim of two attempted sexual homicides. Yes, you read that correctly. She was the victim twice in her life. The first time she was in her late teens, an attacker broke into her home. He raped and beat her, leaving her for dead. She was crippled physically and emotionally from the attack. Almost twenty years later, she was attacked again. Raped and strangled and left for dead, she somehow managed to survive. She does volunteer work for victims when she can and has managed to find some happiness in her life by helping others. However, she was very clear to me that the pain of the attacks is with her every day. It is not something she forgets, and she is very angry with her family and the mental health profession.

Her family left her one by one as time went on. They uttered such phrases as ‘you are too bitter for me’ or ‘you need to move on’ when she was suffering from the long term physical effects from the attempted murders. Professionals were no better. Doctors told her she shouldn’t still be having such horrible headaches years later and that she should just get used to the pain that went along with her traumatic brain injury. They told her not even to ask for any pain medication because they weren’t going to give it to her. She went to a balance disorder specialist who was rated as being compassionate. He gave her one heart medication for her dizziness which didn’t work. When she went back, the doctor said he didn’t want to try anything else, and she should just learn to live with her condition. Doctors failed her and treated her like dirt.

Counselor after counselor dropped her when she wasn’t progressing the way they wanted. She didn’t fit neatly into a box, so they didn’t know what to do with her. The first therapist wanted her to take a nerf bat and hit the wall when she got angry. When this didn’t help her, the therapist suggested blowing bubbles to reconnect with her childhood. Needless to say, this didn’t do the trick. So off she went to counselor number two. Number two wanted the victim to explore how she played a part in causing the attacks. What did she do in her life that drew these killers to her? When she reacted badly to this, the therapist dismissed her saying that she couldn’t heal until she owned up to her role in the attacks!

Number three simply refused to take her on as a client because she was seen a trouble maker who had already been to two professionals. Number four wanted her to journal her feelings. She said that just upset her more, and the psychiatrist gave her heavy doses of antidepressants. This improved her mood slightly but did nothing to help her work through her grief. When that doctor had nothing more to offer, the victim kept moving to find someone to help. It took seven professionals before she found one who was sympathetic, didn’t suggest that she was at fault, and took the time to simply listen. The victim said the best thing anyone did for her was to listen. The bad advice just made her angry and did nothing to heal her.

What those who are on the outside looking in don’t understand is that trauma becomes a part of who you are and colors how you view life. There is no magic pill to make it go away. There is no one with an enchanted wand to set this right. It is on the shoulders of those suffering to make a decision to live. I know how this sounds, but it is true. You must decide that you want a life. It won’t be the life you imagined, but you can find something better than the misery you live in. Those who have been through a deep trauma understand that the happiness will always be tempered by a hint of sadness. Yet there can be something better for you. When you are in the depths of despair, it seems impossible. But if you try to find something that gives you joy, you can find yourself actually laughing and smiling. I know your heart has been battered, and you will always be guarded. This is part of who you are now.

I can’t say what will do the trick for you. Only you can find what can make you happy. All I know is that the best thing you can do is try to find something that you love to do. Try to find someone who is sympathetic who can help point out resources which can be more tailored to you. Someone who is suffering from your illness or someone who has lost a loved one may know a good therapist or group that can help you. Just the thought of reaching out can be traumatizing, yet taking control of your life by stepping out can be helpful.

Don’t give up. You can find your spirit again. Keep looking for something you can love. Only you can do that, and the good news is that you don’t need someone else to take that first step. You have the power to do that. Give yourself the gift of easing your pain by doing something just for you. And keep trying. Reward yourself for taking the baby steps because you deserve every reward.

#depression #social anxiety #grief #hopelessness #empty #sorrow #mental illness #loneliness #mental health #help #lost #dying inside

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lamiaward · 7 years

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Operation Save Mom

I don't own OUAT.

Emma is very special, too. For some reason, Henry keeps thinking about that. Perhaps it was the way his mom had said it- with not just the slightly exesperated fondness she often had in her voice around Emma, but something more. Something heavy. Something he feels like he should know about, but it is probably a secret

. He tosses and turns, straining to make out his mother's face in dark. The curtains are closed, so he can't see much but a dark shape that makes a gesture he cannot decipher. What does Emma want? Is she asking me to go back to sleep, or is she just saying it's okay. He can't see any expressions in the dark, but he just knows she is slightly rolling her eyes because- well she does that a lot. She does that a lot around mom.

" Hi" he mumbles sleepily when she squats down next to his bed.

" What are you doing, kid? " .

" Thinking about stuff" he smiles at her. "Thank you for staying to guard mom".

" Eh- it's my job".

His heart gets all weird when he thinks about it- like that time a really large dog wanted to bite him and his mom totally freaked out. " Your job is to hurt mom, isn't it?".

" wooh, kid no way. It is never a hero's job to hurt a - well to hurt anyone".

" But it is like your duty to stop the bad guys. And m-mom" he swallows and pushes on. " Mom is- mom did bad things. Really bad ones. And she will always fight, because that is what a Mills does. We are not really quitters- unless it makes us extremely unhappy. It is okay to quit when you're unhappy- but not otherwise'.

"Maybe your mom was unhappy".

He hates her supersight- that is why she starts to reach for him and probably has that expression adults have when they offer platitudes ( mom never does that. Mom may lie and deceive, but she says he is too smart for platitudes. That's how he learned the word in the first place)

"You think I made my mom unhappy" he hopes she thinks it is puberty that makes his voice like that.

" I think you are the only thing that gave you mom a little happines. She doesn't - I don't think she wanted to be on the other side".

" On the other side? Oh - you mean a villain". " Yes. You know, I didn't really chose to be a hero".

" But-".

" For a while, I didn't want to " he even forgets to glance at his mom every ten seconds. But Emma is good. That doesn't make sense!

" You have no idea what it is like kid. You have these talents, and you kind of love them you know? But they come with a whole lot of baggage. I didn't matter before that- no one looked at me twice. And then- I exploded and it was discovered I had powers".

Now he is the one reaching for her. He grabs her hand, squeezes the fist. Don't be sad, or angry like that. He doesn't really know what to say, so he just listens. " People suddenly cared about me. And there were people telling me how to be- they sometimes take you away even if you want to stay with your parents, did you know that?".

" Is it like camp? " he hasn't been to any, but he has heard about them. He used to be mad he couldn't go to them, felt like it was mom not allowing him to find friends.

Emma hufs. " No. It is forever".

"F-forever?" he stammers. He imagines someone in a suit trying to take him. He bites his lip and scolds himself at the immediate thought- mom would stop them. She would hurt them before they could even touch me- , at how it is more comforting than scary, and infuriating.

" Yeah. I knew this one girl called Lily. Her specialty was shapeshifting. One day, you hear all this rubling and screaming- like there is an earthquake and a freaking bomb at the same time. And there was this thing, like a dinosaur or probably a dragon , I don't even know . It is Lily. She tried to get away from the pri- the place so she can see her mom again, you know".

He tugs his blanket. He keeps shivering regardless. " Did she?" They let her go, they must have. Heroes don't-

" No. They caught her again" her doesn't think Emma's laugh sounds very happy. It is definitely not her usual laugh. " She swore at them, and she kept breaking the rules. She swore they would have to let her go if she misbehaved enough".

" Oh. Why wouldn't let her go to her mom? ". He is about to repeat his question when Emma replies again. " Her mom had made some wrong choices". " So they were protecting her".

" They were keeping a girl from a loving mother, that's what they were doing". Why does she sound so angry? They were protecting her friend.

" But if her mother was bad , then she could have hurt her. Or she could've turned Lily bad".

" Well, they weren't good for her either. Most of the people there were just always talking about our talents and how we were going to be heroes. That's all you heard each day. And every day, you had this strict stupid schedule thing. Like - " she twists her voice, so it sounds like slighly higher. " it is 7.15 girls, time to rise and eat your perfectly made food that should turn you into our little perfect superheroes"

" But- you guys needed to be taught how to save civilians and everything right? It is elite teaching- for the most fortunate".

" Fortuna- I was in the freaking system, seperated from my parents, raised by shitty families and then I was in a shitty boarding school-like place where you could joke about at least of the teachers being cyborgs but some probably were and others were just emotionless creeps".

" I - but you were a hero, surely you had all these friends and the teachers must have been heroes- " he interupts himself, frowns. " And you cannot claim cyborgs are evil, that is not accurate and it also kind of bad and mean".

He hears her sigh. " I am not saying they are. And my point is just that - it is not all it is cracked up to be. And sometimes- too often, actually- you feel like you don't have a choice. I didn't ask to be a hero, and from what I know about your mom, she definitely didn't ask to be a villain".

He slowly sits up, and stares at his mom. It is too dark to see anything more than the general outline of her laying in bed but he has known her his entire life. He knows what she looks like, knows what look is reserved for 'incompetent' councilmembers, which smile is genuine and which one is politician, and how her glares don't always means she is angry. She just glares a lot.

But he doesn't know why she is a supervillain.

Worse, he never thought to ask.

And suddenly, it is all he can think about. Because there had been a small bit of doubt, a large bit of confusion - because how could the mother that would sing Spanish lullabye's whenever the storms frightened him, or that would allow him to watch her cook and rub flour over his cheeks to make his laugh- how could the woman that would do all those things, how could she also be the terrifying villain he has been taught to hate? He had eventually decided it was all a lie- every single time his mom would call him 'mijo' or beam at a drawing he handed her, or create stories with him- it was all a lie. A deception. Because villains can't also be loving moms, that is not how it works

And he had been angry at her, and this stupid world that told him his mom was a villain and villains don't love their sons, and he had been angry at himself. Because he hadn't wanted his mom to go to jail, or into any of the reform programs the classes and journals talk about (which had given him such horrific nightmares that his mom had made one of his teachers cry ) - he had just wanted her home. And actually loving him. Not fake-loving him. Like a villain.

But amidst all that, he had never written in his notebook something like 'Mom- villain. Why? '. What if she didn't choose to- if she was forced? Then she could- then - " Do you think my mom has always been a villain- that she is meant to be one?" he whispers.

" No. No, I don't think that at all".

And Henry looks at his mom, imagines the injuries he can't see right now but are burned into his mind forever, and she saved Emma and thinks about the massacre of the Dark and he decides-

I am gonna find out why she became a villain. I am gonna find out , and make sure she doesn't have to anymore. And then I am gonna make Emma less sad, and we are going to be a family.

He starts by interrogating auntie Kathryn ( except he is totally subtle and sneaky, so she doesn't know it is an interrogation)

" So you have to interview redeemed villains for this project?" she asks. She is shaking the coffee machine, possibly thinking about turning it into rust with one small touch, and sounds distracted. Distracted is good- that means his plot is working. Heroes plot too. Probably. Maybe I should ask that, too.

" Yup. The teacher thought it would be good- because of the protests against the redemption projects, you know".

" I am not really a fan of the projects, Henry" he can swear that a small piece of the coffee machine just turned rusty. And her voice makes him take a small step back, even though he knows she would never even think about hurting him.

" Yeah, but you actually know anything about it" she jams the buttons on the coffee machine again, the material beneath her fingers slowly turning into something different. " And uh- I was thinking about giving it a twist. Like- I would speak about the advantages, like how it is giving villains a chance, but I would also be critical where needed and offer solutions to the things that need a lot of improvement".

Does auntie also have superstrength? She definitely is wickedly fast, because she is suddenly pulling him into her arms and hugging him. He immediately places his arms around her, hoping to soothe her ( that was a sob, he knows it was ). She pulls back several seconds after that, with a look that makes him feel more nauseous about the redemption iniative than ever.

" You're such a good child, honestly".

He grins a little. " So I have heard before".

He lets her smile at him until he starts to squirm. " So interview?"

" Yes. I will answer your questions- if you promise to keep this our little secret. Your mother would disembowel me if she discovered I had been speaking about this particular subject".

" She is your friend".

"True. She is also terrifying however. And she loves you enough to slowly and utterly destroy me if I ever even upset you".

He wonders whether mom would really hurt auntie Kathryn. When he had just found out, he used to think she would. He thought villains didn't even really have friends anyway- or if they had, that they wouldn't mind hurting them. Now, he isn't so sure. " You think she would hurt you? ".

" She would be furious, that is for sure" she hesitates for a moment, then smiles almost mischievously and adds " although she is has been more.. mellow lately. Ever since a certain blonde woman entered her life, in fact".

He snorts a little. " I don't think mom could ever be mellow" he says, then adds " But she is definitely better, isn't she?".

" I think so".

He deflates. Don't be stupid, this is what you wanted for mom. And it was and it is - he just can't help but feeling all sort of things at the thought that he didn't make mom happy as well. "She never was like that for me, wasn't she?" . She only stopped doing bad stuff when Emma started becoming friends with her. She was still bad when she raised me.

His auntie abandons the machine, glaring at it one last time. She uses enough force that her grip on his shoulders is nearly painful, but her eyes are really gentle. " Henry, don't ever think that you do not matter- or matter less than Emma. Regina would kill and die for you. There is nothing painful she wouldn't go through for you, and there is nothing she wants more than for you to live a happy life".

He looks down. He can't look at her directly, or he might do something like crying. Heroes are strong, and selfless. I can never be a hero if I cry about stuff like this. " But she was still doing bad stuff at first".

" Your mother is a very complicated woman, Henry. But the moment she had you - " . She smiles. "Do you know you are the reason Regina and I are friends in the first place?".

" No" he scrunches his brow. " How is that possible?".

She gently leads him towards a chair, like she can feel how he sort of feels weak right now. Maybe it is weeks - no months- off stress and anger and sleeping too little and not just this moment but he thinks he may be trembling.

" Regina had just adopted you - and she was struggling. She wanted so badly to be the right mother for you, and whenever there was even the slightest sign you were not completely happy, she was very influenced by it. It was during one of these occassions we really started to bond".

" But you were friends before that, weren't you?" he doesn't really remember his mom ever saying when exactly their friendship started. He just remembers auntie Kathryn has always been in the background.

"No, not really. Regina was friendlier with me than with most- but she is used to keeping people at a distance". " Oh "

" Yes. But we were similar, and she sometimes allowed me to chat with her during her lunch breaks. But we only really became friends after she had adopted you".

" I don't understand. Why would my- my" he stammers and she just starts to talk again, like she knows it still feels like speaking a language that is so very different from your own. Like speaking Russian, or Greek, or Chinese, when you're used to English.

" Your adoption meant that Regina was even more exhausted- and desperate for a little help really" she winks at him. " Although she would never have admitted that".

" So you helped her and then you became friends?"

She snorts. " It is a little more complicated than that. Much like your mother, actually".

He is vaguely aware that he needs other information than this, but surely this is important too. Everything that would make things less confusing is. " Why? What happened?".

" Well, your mother was in the dinner for breakfast. And she actually didn't look impeccable, for once. Your drool was on her blazer - and the make-up could not fully hide she had bags. It was obvious she had not slept properly for a while" she shrugs " So I approached her".

She smiles again, and rolls her eyes a little. " You know your mom, so you probably know what her reaction was like". Pretending she is completely fine, and sort of stare at you with slight disdain like you are being an idiot or perhaps a little crazy for thinking otherwise.

"She kept staring at me like that and then you just started wailing. So I reacted normally- I flinched and took several steps back- but your mother immediately picked you up and cradled you. I actually remember thinking something like - is she crazy? Who would want that sound closer- but I couldn't walk away. Not when she started muttering to you and she just sounded.. well oddly young".

" What did she say?".

" Por favor Henry, mijo, please do not cry. And then she just kept asking what was wrong, and doing things like checking your diaper- His cheeks flush slightly, and he wrinkles his nose. " and offering you a bottle, and toys but you wouldn't calm down. So I offered to take you".

" And that worked?".

" Well no. Your mother first glared at me like she was pretending to be Medusa, but finally allowed me to take you after three more minutes of sobbing. But only because she had to go to the toilet. And when she returned- " he immediately feels a sense of foreboding at the way his auntie shudders. " it was pretty much an apocalyptic scene. You had thrown up all over my clothes, so that I reeked and my clothes would have to be burned. But not only that- you had also decided that was the exact right moment to fill your diaper and you had not stopped screaming from the moment Regina disappeared".

She playfully glares at him. "You nearly made me cry".

" But mom offered to take you home so you could borrrow a shirt or whatever, and you became friends ".

" Uh no. Your mother was already wrapped around your little finger and still very likely to blame others for what was going wrong than herself, or anyone she loved. So she more or less ripped you from my arms and beraded me for 'upsetting her son'. What followed was a rather intense argument, until your mother decided she 'had enough' of me 'upsetting her son' and stalked away".

" Wait, so she just got mad at you" he scowls. She was just being nice, why did mom not see that.

" I did comment that you were a handful. She was being civil before that" .

" Hey!".

" What, you were crying" " I was a baby, that is what babies do! ". He is pretty sure they do. That is nearly all he ever sees babies do.

" I know, but there is no reason for all the crying" she silences him with a gesture when he tries to protest. " Besides, I apologized the next day. At which point I realized Regina must be ready to collapse, because I knew for a fact she had been working late and she did not have a babysitter so she must have been taking care at you for a while".

"I thought Ruby took care of me when mom had work and really could not take me with her".

" No, at this time in your mother's life she did not really have contacts. Of course everyone knew her, but she was sort of isolated".

" Oh" he has to swallow several times and he misses half of what auntie Kathryn says after that, because all he can think about is his mom sitting alone, and eating alone, and being alone while everyone around her is with friends. It is pretty awful.

" ... which of course led to your mother being amused forever, because she is a sadist". " Uh what?".

" Nothing. I was just- you know what, it is not that relevant anyways. And it is one of the parts of the story Regina will really have my head for if I tell it to you".

" But- ". " No. I should have not told you".

" But you didn't".

" Don't Regina Mills me".

" What?".

" Your expression. It is an exact copy of your mother's. Please do not use it on me ever again, I am not actually a moron".

" Okay. But you still haven't told me how you two became friends".

" It is a long story. But the gist of it is that I tricked and coarced your mother into letting me take care of you, which led to her actually getting sleep and also to me discovering your mother was the evil queen because you got abducted and- ".

" I got abducted- ? ". His auntie hesitates, then - " Did your teacher already talk about the Annihilation?". " Wait the one where the evil que- ".

"Yes. But what the books never mention, is that it was not just a terrible fight between two supervillains that cost civilian lives as well".

" Because of me, people d-died?" he stammers, struggling to remember what his teacher had talked about. Several hundred injured. Dozens deaths. Two cities destroyed- earthquakes, lava erupting from the ground, civilians that collapsed because of mind control. They had even been to some of the monuments , but - " they never talk about a baby".

His auntie scoffs. " They don't like to talk about anything that could humanize villains".

He stares at her. " I d-don't understand".

"The books- they probably speak off your mother attacking unprovoked, right?". " They- " they spoke about it a while ago- before he knew who his mom was, he thinks. " They say it was a powerplay. My teacher says that meant that the two villains were just kind of challenging each other? To see who was strongest?".

" That is not what it was like at all".

" I got abducted" he whispers.

" Yes. And it was not just supervillains either".

" What?".

" I do not have all the specifics either, Henry, I believe not even your mother does. But on that day, they took you. And the trails that were left- well, it indicates a hero was involved".

" Maybe it was a Rogue". " No. This one of the higher ups, we are certain of it".

He suddenly thinks of Emma's angry, steel voice and- they were keeping a girl from a loving mother. It's forever. He almost wants to ask for a bag to help with his breathing. " They- they wanted to take me from m-mom?".

" Yes".

" Why? Did she think she would be bad to me, because she wasn't, she is mom and she is really good with voices and stuff and- " he suddenly stops. His mom is not bad to him. Sure, she is super strict sometimes and some of her rules are dumb (like not running on the stairs) but before he knew who she was, he would never have wanted to leave. And even now- the thought of someone making sure he never sees her is just wrong for some reason.

In the middle of another thing that feels like a missing puzzle piece slowly clicking into place, his auntie continues talking. He forces his attention back to her. " The motives are a little unclear. But that is not the most important thing. You were taken, Henry, and your mother lost it".

" How did they even manage to take me?".

" They attacked townhall". " But- the books never talk about that. About any of it".

" I know. But that is what happened. You were with her in her office when they blasted the door apart. They hurt your mother pretty badly, but- ".

Henry gasps. "What, why? What did they do!". " They tried to take you from her Henry. She was obviously not pulling her punches- even if she was being very careful, to avoid hurting you- and they fought back just as hard. She should've rested, but she tried to go after you as soon as she was conscious again".

" What happened?".

"She had been out for a while, and we had not found her immediately, so the abductors were nowhere to be found. It costs us several days to find them - and then your mother refused to wait another day. So we had to attack without information on who we were attacking, or what kind of forces they had". She shakes her head. " All for you. That entire nightmare- ".

He stands up and kicks his chair. "I don't want her to do stuff like that for me! I want her to be good. " .

" Henry, heroes are not always rig-".

" I want her to be good because I don't want to be hurt. Because she could hurt Ruby, or anyone could hurt her back. Anything could go wrong. I don't want that! " he takes a deep, shuddering breath. " And- and - she lied to me. She told me I was her son, and that she loved me, and she did all those nice things that made me think she was good but it was all a lie ".

She takes advantage of the seconds he needs to gasp for air. " Henry, your mother's love for you was never a lie. All the things she did were never lies. And you are her son". " But she lied about so much".

" Yes. She did lie about what she was, and what she was doing. And she did not tell you that you were adopted. But everything else was genuine".

" How can you KNOW" his voice breaks again. " How can you know, because I don't. I don't know whether she is just smiling at me, or she is actually plotting something. I don't know whether 'te quiero' actually means anything to her. I don't know and it is r-really s-shitty okay?".

"Oh honey" she says, and he kind of wants to push her away when she opens her arms and he kinds of wants to hug her back. He eventually just her hug him briefly. " Do not ever doubt your mom loves you. Even if she shows the wrong way, she does love you so much. I promise".

She quickly stops the hug, and keeps him at arm's distance with a slightly horrified expression. " Did you just wipe your nose?". " Yeah, it was-".

" And you get away with that? I did not think Regina was a fan of germs either".

" Mom does not mind that much. Like, she cares but it is not like she throws a box of tissues at my head when I have a cold".

" What.". " Emma did that once. Mom did not let her eat the risitto, nor the ice cream we had afterwards as punishment. Just vegetables. So many vegetables".

Auntie Kathryn chuckles. "Those two" .

" Yeah. Pretty much".

She studies him quietly for a moment. " Are you okay again?".

" Yeah. I think so. It is just- " he looks at his feet as he drags them on the floor. " It just really confusing ".

His auntie just throws her arm around him briefly, and smiles gently. " Perhaps we can do that interview another time, huh?".

He grins at her. It is not insincere , but it isn't all there either. His head is too filled with how lonely his mom must have been, and how one of the worst villain attacks in history was apparently about how his mom loves him. " I would like that".

He watches them from the doorway

They're bickering a lot- " Gently" , " Seriously you are complaining about how I tend to you? Which is totally not what I am supposed to do, by the way" - and taunt each other a little bit and most people might even be deceived, and think they do not like each other.

But mom never smiles like that. And Emma? Emma hasn't stopped smiling. She smiles when she carefully slides her fingers over a large bruise on mom's arms ( operation save mom is too important. Don't go in and ruin this moment. Mom is fine. She is Emma. She is fine), even if she also clenches her teeth for a moment and looks willing to throw another person through a window ( she admitted this once - he thinks to make them both, and especially his mom, laugh- ; she used to do stupid things like that when she was still struggling with controlling her powers).

And mom takes full advantage from the slight blush Emma has as she tugs mom's shirt up - only a little, thank the Gods- but she is just as bad as Emma is honestly. I mean, her breath even hitches and she kind of falters in the middle of her teasing-taunting.

He grins as he watches them, Emma's fingers as gentle as mom's eyes, sharing little glances whenever they stop bickering, the way Emma looks at his mom when she whispers "thank you" and how his mom sounds so fond when she replies " You certainly are not obliged to thank me" with an implied 'moron'. It almost makes him believe the rest of operation mom is going to be easy

Except it got so much more complicating, because -I don't think your mom wanted to be a villain and I never wanted to be a hero. Why do the books never talk about that? Why do his teachers, and classmates, and Ruby never talk about that? He has never heard one story about a superhero who didn't want to spend their entire lives saving people, and he certainly has never heard about a villain that wanted something else for themselves.

That could explain it. If mom- if she didn't want to be a villain, then she could love. Right? It is almost easy to believe when his mom smiles and opens her arms wide, doesn't say anything ( even though he suspects he accidentally hurt her jumping onto the bed) but just kisses his forehead when she brushes away his hair.

" Hey mom". " Henry. Was your afternoon with Kathryn enjoyable".

" Yeah" he smiles. " She had a fight with the coffee machine again". His mom chuckles. " Of course she had".

" Uh coffee machine?". " Auntie Kathryn always breaks machines" Henry explains. " I think it has got to do with her talents".

" Henry" his mother warns, glancing at Emma.

" What? She is not going to tell". " She is a hero. She is brainwashed to tell such facts".

" You know, I have a functioning brain just like you" Emma says. His mother briefly grabs her hand, and squeezes it.

" I am aware of that. However, you are still- ".

" Is that how you think off me? As a superhero, an enemy".

" No" the answer makes both Henry and Emma stare at her. " I think off you as a woman who feels like her worthiness depends on saving people, but who also is a good enough person to actually want to help to save those who deserve it. Who actually is not obtuse enough to believe there is something like 'evil' and 'good'".

He is like 94.73 % sure that the look Emma has right now could be described as 'adoring'. He is 100% sure that if anyone - even a hero- would come in right now, Emma would punch them if they as much as insinuated they wanted to hurt his mom.

Of course, she has to break the moment by sort of squirming before asking " what uh does obtuse mean?". " Stupid. Foolish".

He immediately knows Emma has misunderstood when she actually reers back a little, before her face flushes with anger. " Hey just because my situation didn't allow me to buy fancy dictionaries, or always go to school- " .

" That is not what I mean. The definition of obtuse is foolish". " Oh. You think I am not stupid?"

" I think you are a great deal smarter than the average person" she says, then quickly adds " That does not mean I think you are a prodigy, just that you are smarter than the idiots I am surrounded with".

Emma laughs. " Sure, your majesty. It it too late, I know your secret now". His mom just stares at her, unamused and unimpressed. "You think I am smart. And you think I am a good person".

" But you're a hero. Doesn't everyone think you are a good person? ".

" Y-your mother knows a little bit more about me than most " Emma hesitantly admits, glancing at Regina. She only calms down when mom places a comforting hand on her arm.

" So wait. Does this mean you have done- ".

" Henry, this is not the appropriate time and place for questions like that. If Emma ever wants to answer them, then you are free to ask. But she has to indicate she wants to discuss this with you, you are not to force her to reveal anything. Promise?".

"But mom, it is not- ". "Henry" "But- ".

" Kid. Your mother is right- I really don't want to talk about that".

" Why not? You're a hero! Surely you can't have done anything really bad?".

" Because they're painful memories".

" Oh. Like with Lily?".

He glances at his mom when he feels her tense next to her. That's weird. He studies her for a while- that vein is pulsing a little, and she is trying to hide how annoyed she is right now. At least he thinks it is annoyance.

" Something like that, yes".

" Lily, miss Swan? " Apparently he is not the only one noticing how his mom is suddenly using miss Swan again; Emma throws her a look that makes mom cross her arms and scowl. " Yes. She was a friend of mine".

" A hero".

" You can keep the disgust out of your voice" Emma warns. Her voice softens five seconds later. " I think you would have liked her actually ".

" And why is that?".

" She hated the system. She didn't agree with anything. She thought they were brainwashing us- she used to skip classes to find evidence and got me into so much trouble".

" She was a Rogue?". " No. She was- Lily was just Lily. She was just homesick, I guess. But she was right about some of the things she said".

There is something smug about his mom right now. " So you do think the heroes iniative is flawed".

" I think it is unfair" she is looking at him when she adds " you should never take kids away from parents- not when they've got loving ones".

" Even those parents are supervillains?" Regina whispers

" Especially then. I mean- if the villain is doing something good, if they are raising a kid in a loving way, why would you take that child away? It's bullshit". Mom doesn't even comment on the cursing. She just stares at Emma with an expression he has never seen before. "I think you one of the very few - " she spits the word like it is a piece of brusselsprout " heroes who thinks like that".

" That's because I have lived through stuff like that. It's not always the villains who make the worst parents- and it is not always heroes who make the right ones".

" You did not live with parents".

" I had foster parents, sometimes".

" Yes, but only children with talents live with heroes or villains, is that not so?".

" You would be surprised. Villains aren't really allowed to have kids- or at least there are special jobs that try to keep villains away from kids - but it still happens. Lots of kids actually get offered a home by villains- there is even an underground network that makes sure the kids get good parents".

" But they're villains" Henry says. All those children are in danger!

"Yes. But they're also people. And it is not like there is a 'villain type' and a 'hero type'. The whole network is focused on making sure the kids won't go to villains that would hurt them, or just try to make them into villains or use them in other ways. It is pretty strict".

" It is also very illegal" his mom comments. He looks at her; does she disapprove? She is the mayor.. but I am pretty sure she breaks laws regularly.

" So? Are you going to turn me in?".

" Of course not. I am merely surprised you have not turned these people in. You are risking a lot, Emma".

" I know. But I believe that anyone who wants to be a parent, who can actually provide for a child and would love them unconditionally- they should get the fucking chance".

" Language".

" Right. Sorry".

" But wait, if all these kids live with villains- doesn't that mean they're in danger? ". " No. In fact, some of the villains decide to become regular civilians so they can raise their child better".

" But they're still villains. They hurt people!".

" Sometimes, people just need to find a family- or someone who needs them, to have a better purpose in life than crime".

" Yeah, but- that's not- that's not how it is supposed to work!".

He takes a deep breath, then adds " Villains are evil. Heroes are good. You do bad stuff, you are bad. You do good stuff, you are good".

" But humanity is flawed, Henry" it is his mother's voice, but it doesn't really sound like her. Not in a villanous way, just that he has never heard his strong mom sound so.. small. " Good people can do terrible things. And people you think are monsters- " he automatically reaches for her when her voice trembles " t-they can do good things".

" Your mom is right" .

When he still just stares at Emma, only breaking the gaze to glance at where his hand is hurting a little because mom is squeezing it, Emma sighs and asks " Do you think it was a bad thing your mom raised you? ".

The reply is instanteous. " What, no!".

" Because- " his mom nods when Emma glances at her. " she wasn't actually allowed to".

" W-what?".

" Villains- they are rules in place that keep them from certain things. They're not allowed to be a bartender, or to even be out at certain times. They should be registered - and if they don't want to go to jail, enter the redemption projects. And they are never allowed to adopt".

" W-why?".

" It is to protect civilians" his mom says, in this really monotone voice that tells him something is wrong. Her voice gets less terrifying when he scoots a little closer. " The theory is that villains would poison them. That they would attack if they were allowed to be on the streets when civilians are too. And they think that villains will automatically hurt children".

" But they're villains" he said softly.

" Yes. But you can't just put them all in one group. There are villains who are terrible, who are empty and wouldn't mind watching toddlers burn. But there are also villains who actually do have a gentle side, and who could even become civilians if you just gave them a chance. There are a lot of different people who are all called 'villains' - and often it is not a monniker they chose. But the system doesn't find these people, it just focuses on the bad and doesn't recognize the good".

His mom is oddly quiet. So quiet, he is almost afraid to look at her. But heroe- we are brave. Emma, and mom, and I. We're brave. He looks at her. She looks-

" M-mom? Are your injuries reopening or something?".

" No- it is - " her voice cracks and he pushes. " Mama? ¿Qué pasa".

"Nada".

"You're lying! " .

He is about to say more, but then she opens her eyes and he realizes she is crying and- "Perdón" he whispers.

She manages a tiny smile. " It's okay".

" Does talking about these things make you said?" he kind of wants to facepalm because duh. She is crying, so it must make her said.

" It makes me very frustrated. And sad, yes".

" Why?"

She gently touches his chin, kisses his forehead. " Because you are very dear to me. And these people would take you away" she says when she pulls back and-

Take me? " W-where? And why would they, everything is getting better now!".

He doesn't know why she flinches. " Was it so terrible before?".

" Well- not when I didn't know. But then I - " he hesitates, then presses on. " then I discovered you were hurting people".

" You know, villains aren't the only ones who hurt people. We are called villains, and we seem so terrible but the world cannot be divided like that. It is not that simple. Some of the things the heroes do- " there is enough loathing in her voice for a moment that he wants to pull away. He stays, because his mom is sad. And there is still that nagging - I do not believe your mother ever wanted to be a villain.

" it is evil. But they never get called that".

" But you have to do bad stuff to be called a villain".

His mom's laugh makes him flinch. " Not always. Sometimes having certain talents, or a certain last name is enough".

"And sometimes, there are people who attempt to shape you. Who won't let you go" it is like his mom is in a trance, using her powers to project something really awful on the wall. He can't see anything, but he thinks she does.

" Did that happen? Did someone- " Did someone make you this way? He swallows. Am I bad for wishing that that is what happened, that someone forced you to be a villain?

"Henry- ".

" Because if it did- then surely they can't take me from you. They can't!".

"Oh Henry, they have been trying for a long time to steal you from me" she hugs him closer.

He doesn't know whether it is comforting or not. What is she going to do to anyone who tries? " I will never let anyone take you from me".

I don't want to lose my mom- but I don't want anyone getting hurt either.

I really don't know whether I am satisfied about the last part. The laws & how people decide you're a villain and everything I feel like I should develop that better hm.. So this might change - or I might decide I will use the next chapter to kind of improve it. I don't know yet.

#swan queen #supervillain/superhero au #there is also regal believer in here #operation save mom #part 10?#I have lost count hh

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whatsgodgottodowithreligion-blog · 6 years

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Will The Circle Be Unbroken?

In the chapter titled “The Steeple And The Damage Done”, I discuss the myriad sins of the Catholic Church - not only has the church marginalized, demonized and otherwise ostracized many of its believers/followers, it has turned a blind eye to many societal atrocities: from Wounded Knee to the Crusades, from The Inquisition to the Holocaust (the Vatican’s unholy ties to the Third Reich during WWII have been widely chronicled) to its ignoble history of sexual abuse by church clergy. Singer Sinead O’Connor’s seismic episode of tearing up the picture of Pope John Paul II on SNL over twenty-five years ago was viewed as not only heretical, but disrespectful, and an unfair indictment of the Catholic Church. Of course, genuine heretics always show us what we are unwilling to see, and so, O’Connor’s brave gesture (bolstered by her own memories of being abused in her childhood) turned her into a pariah overnight - essentially imploding her musical career over a ‘crusade’ no one was ready to lobby for.

Frankly, scandals involving sexual impropriety by church clergy have always been the elephant in the sacristy - one only has to objectively examine the timeline of sex abuse within the Catholic church and its subsequent denial by church hierarchy to see that periodically, the general public becomes outraged to hear of priests having inappropriate sexual contact with children and/or adolescents of church members. And similarly, we are told that someone (or likely everyone) within the church hierarchy was aware of this abuse, but either turned a blind eye, or cloaked themselves in denial of having any foreknowledge of such abuse occurring within their midst. Media exploitation (motivated by both perverse titillation and viewer ratings) spurs on charges, litigation and frequently, prosecution of those trespassers. And since we, as a society are ‘all about the children”, those who have been exposed as pedophiles become the devil incarnate, and looked upon as the lowest form of human life.

But while we revel in self-righteous condemnation and demonization of sex abusers, we fail to recognize that both the abuser and the abused are broken souls in need of healing. I remember listening to a talk by Ken Keyes, Jr, author of the personal transformation tome, The Handbook To Higher Consciousness. He began by stating the basic truth that all our actions and behaviors as human beings are motivated by a desire to either gain love or to compensate for a lack of love. All the attendees to his lecture were in agreement. Once they had accepted this ‘truth’, he then challenged them to see it in a situation that made many uncomfortable: “What about the child molester?” he asked, “Isn’t the child molester trying to gain love?” Few in the audience had the understanding to explore the truth in that statement - after all, we are conditioned to view the world through our dichotomies placed upon it: good/evil, right/wrong, righteous/heinous. We cannot accept the idea that even in the context of such sin, behind that sin is a person trying to fulfill a basic emotional need, a need all human beings have - to feel loved and validated.

Like O’Connor, I have a backstory of abuse - psychological, physical and sexual, and like O’Connor I think the Catholic Church needs to confront the devastating cycle of abuse and denial that continues to damage the souls of those who put their faith in religion and God by way of its pastorate. However, I go one step further to say that both parties are in need of ministering to. I realize this puts me in the minority, but then, I have a bigger understanding of the cycle, or the circle that remains unbroken when we fail to look at the dynamics of abuse. Psychologists and psychiatrists have long pointed out that if we were to look at the backstory of the abuser, we find that somewhere in that continuum, the abuser began as the abused.

One of the most important elements of my own healing journey was to take a sobering look at the upbringing of those who parented me - partly in a search for answers, but also to gain a better understanding as to what would make someone who was responsible for bringing me into existence treat me like I didn’t deserve to be alive. I learned that my mother’s dad was an alcoholic and her mother didn’t have much time for her; my dad was raised by his grandmother, after his birth mother ran off and abandoned him - she bore a child out of wedlock, and had no intention of saddling herself with a child and no husband to help raise him. My great grandmother was a proud Cherokee woman, but she also harbored some extreme ideas about discipline and child-rearing that manifested itself in some horrific beatings visited upon my father.

If a child, any child, who seeks love, acceptance and validation from his parent receives instead anger, violence and criticism, how exactly is that child able to have anything resembling a healthy self concept? And without that self-concept, what can that adult child bring to the table in terms of being a nurturing parent for their children? I was one of seven siblings - I find it nothing short of miraculous to think that two people so devoid of personal examples of love and compassion by their caregivers could ever give out what little emotional resources they had at their disposal to effectively raise seven children into healthy, responsible and caring adults - the harsh reality is, it’s not possible. And I can see the outcomes of such an environment played out in the stories of my adult siblings - which is why, I was not shocked when my sister (the eldest sibling) dropped out of college and left home to join the Army, marry a fellow serviceman (who surprise, turned out to be both an abusive alcoholic and a womanizer) and wind up a widow when one of his many mistresses shot him to death.

Will the circle be unbroken?

Which brings us to the latest sex abuse scandals rocking the Catholic Church and the Vatican, some twenty-eight years after Sinead O’Connor’s public protest against clergy abuse and complicity on national tv. Last week, in light of recent allegations of sexual abuse by two (now retired) Chilean bishops, Pope Francis expelled both Francisco Cox (84) and Marco Antonio Ordenes Fernandez (53) from the Chilean Diocese - their defrocking was one step below total ex-communication, but was no less punitive in the eyes of church canon law. A day before Pope Francis’ announcement, he accepted the resignation of Cardinal Donald Wuerl, considered up until that time a fierce advocate for victims of clerical abuse, but whose own history was rife with instances of foreknowledge of abusive priests during his tenure as bishop of Pittsburgh - a Pennsylvania grand jury report scathingly outlined a well-documented timeline of abuse spanning over several decades under Wuerl’s watch.

In Cardinal Wuerl’s case however, The Pope was considerably more merciful: he accepted the resignation, praised Wuerl for putting “the good of the church before himself”, let him stay on until his replacement was chosen, and allowed the Cardinal to keep his influential offices inside the Vatican. Apparently canon law has a different set of tenets than American law, where if you have knowledge of someone committing crimes and you look the other way rather than reporting it, you are essentially an accomplice to that crime. Perhaps what’s even more troublesome is the official response by Pope Francis to the current spotlight on sexual abuse by clerics:

"The Church must be saved from the attacks of the malign one, the great accuser and at the same time be made ever more aware of its guilt, its mistakes, and abuses committed in the present and the past." Pope Francis wrote. In addition, he implored parishioners to recite a daily rosary during the entire month of October, ending with this petition to St. Michael: “St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do thou, O Prince of heavenly hosts, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan, and all evil spirits, who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls." In other words, errant clergy have been overtaken by evil - specifically the Devil, and that prayer and vigilance are needed to restore the Catholic Church to its status of holy impunity.

But if indeed the sin of sexual abuse is being acted upon by clerics possessed by some evil entity, why no mention of exorcism? Such a solution is in perfect alignment with the ideology of spiritual warfare - we are at war with Satan. Satan must be rebuked. Therefore, wouldn’t it be possible for these pedophiles to be redeemed through some sort of exorcism, or intervention of the Holy One to vanquish Satan from their once forthright souls? I am not saying this to be facetious - I am saying this because at least the idea of exorcism allows for some measure of atonement, redemption and reconciliation, which is a whole lot better than just damning abusive clergy to Hell. Perhaps the biggest tragedy in all this is the presumption that the abuser is beyond saving - that the crime is so outrageous, such a blatant atrocity, that the only action required is condemnation, conviction and incarceration.

I am not dismissing the idea that in terms of sexual predators, the instance of recidivism is high, and perhaps so deeply ingrained in the psyche of the abuser that rehabilitation is impossible - yet I am told (constantly by those quoting scripture) that nothing is impossible with God. So is that just another holy platitude I need to discard? Are some souls too damaged to be saved, under any circumstances? And what about forgiveness? Victims of abuse will never heal completely as long as they hold onto anger, resentment and hatred toward the abuser - forgiveness is always done for the benefit of the wronged, not the violator. But some things are unforgivable, they say. Forgiveness condones the abuser, they say. The abuser is evil and should be stoned to death, locked up and raped in a penal environment, stoned and set ablaze, etc. etc. Why bother examining the culture of forced celibacy dispensation, repressed sexual feelings and desires, the eunuch paradigm which fosters shame, guilt and self-loathing? No one is born a sexual predator, but why waste time looking into how pedophiles are born?

The two things which allow the circle to remain unbroken are denial and a lack of compassion for both the victim and the victimizer. We can talk all day about good and evil and how folks are beyond saving, but at the end of the day, what will help not only those adversely affected by sexual abuse, but those who seek out sexually abusive behavior in a desperate but wholly inappropriate search for love and approval? If we are unwilling to ask these questions and look earnestly for answers, nothing will change. Abusers will abuse, the circle will remain unbroken, as will the cycle of suffering. Only until we see the truth in their mutual suffering, will we have any hope of reconciliation and healing.

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ralphmorgan-blog1 · 7 years

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10 answers for white people wondering, What can I do about Charlottesville?

In case it wasn’t clear enough already, the Nazi rally in Charlottesville and the deadly violence inflicted on counter protesters (resulting in many serious injuries and the death of activist Heather Heyer) made it abundantly, horrifically clear: Racism and white supremacy are alive and well in 2017.

Many white people are feeling shocked, upset, and helpless right now, seeing Nazis march openly in the streets. “What can I do about Charlottesville?” is a question that’s coming up a lot. Well, here are 10 answers to that question.

Show up. There are vigils and protests happening in response to Charlottesville all over the country this week. Show up for those. There are more alt-right rallies planned in many cities in the very near future. Show up for those—and send the message loud and clear that you will not tolerate hate in any form, anywhere, from anyone. If you’re grappling with guilt about your white privilege and feeling helpless, this is one tangible way to use your privilege and increase your efficacy: Show up where people of color often do not feel safe, like in the presence of police, neo-Nazis, and fascists.

Keep showing up. Protests, rallies, and candlelight vigils are important, but there are countless other events happening every single day that don’t look as good on Instagram but can be even more impactful. City hall meetings. Police commission meetings. Local elections. City council meetings. Go sit in the uncomfortable chairs in the drab, gray rooms where real decisions get made and demand real change from the people in charge. Ask why the police in your city arrest, harass, and kill black people at such high rates. Demand to know what they’re going to do about it. Keep asking. Keep demanding. If you don’t like the answers, work to vote them out. Keep showing up.

Give money. This is a great list of organizations in Charlottesville that you can support financially. Your local Black Lives Matter chapter would also appreciate your financial assistance. So would legal aid programs fighting to protect civil rights. So would minority-owned businesses in your town. Or put your money toward a subscription to Safety Pin Box, which supports black women and gives you tools to become a better ally.

THREAD: I think it would be cool if tons of folks donated to good Charlottesville-based nonprofits those Nazi jerks would really hate. So…

— Sara Benincasa (@SaraJBenincasa) August 12, 2017

Denounce white supremacy on social media. Much ado has been made over millennials’ tendency to change their Facebook profile picture and call it activism. Is there some truth to that critique? Yes. Should we all get involved in real life and not call it a day after posting a political rant on Twitter? Of course. But that doesn’t mean that there’s no value in publicly denouncing white supremacy on social media. So do it—explicitly, unapologetically, and as publicly as possible.

Remember, this isn’t about patting yourself on the back for being a “good” white person (you know, the kind who doesn’t go to murderous Nazi rallies), this is about making a clear, public statement that white supremacy is wrong and you will not tolerate it. White people need to speak out on every available platform and say “racism in America is real but it’s not normal and I will do everything in my power to dismantle it.”

Read. There is so much amazing writing, insight, honesty, and wisdom being generously shared right now, much of it by writers of color specifically addressing white people. Read everything you can. Read this. Read this. Read this. Read this. Educate yourself on America’s history of white supremacy. Learn about why none of this—Trump’s election, Charlottesville, escalating police brutality—is coming as a surprise for people of color. If an article makes you uncomfortable, that’s a good sign. Keep reading.

Interrupt racism in your own life. White people need to show up publicly to combat white supremacy, but we also need to push back against the racism that happens privately in our families and friend groups. Make a vow to not let casual racism go unchecked, whether it’s coming from your great aunt, your coworkers, or the cashier at the deli. It’s hard, it’s awkward, and it’s uncomfortable, but these are just conversations—being a constant target of racism and violence is a hell of a lot harder. It’s imperative that we do this work. To remain silent is to be complicit. To remain silent is to normalize racism.

Ruin 👏🏼 every 👏🏼 Thanksgiving 👏🏼 until 👏🏼 your 👏🏼 whole 👏🏼 family 👏🏼 denounces 👏🏼 racism. 👏🏼

— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) August 13, 2017

Listen to people of color. People of color have been raising the alarm for years and years that white supremacy still thrives in America. Many white people, meanwhile, saw Obama get elected and thought, “We’re all good now! Racism is cured!” It sounds harsh, but here’s the deal: If you were shocked about Trump’s election, you weren’t listening to people of color. If you were shocked about Charlottesville, you weren’t listening to people of color. At this point, we should all be outraged, but we should not be surprised.

Listen to people of color. Amplify their voices whenever possible. Feeling the need to defend yourself? Take a breath and listen instead.

Don’t let politicians off the hook. Has your representative explicitly denounced white supremacy in the wake of Charlottesville? Good. Call them, thank them, and ask what exactly they’re going to do about it. Did your rep pull a Trump and issue a vague platitude about unity that’s more appropriate for a HomeGoods throw pillow than a Nazi uprising? Call them, tell them to denounce white supremacy, and ask what exactly they’re going to do about it.

Get real. A common response from white people to Charlottesville has been surprise, shock, and denial. People like Lady Gaga and Ellen Degeneres have been (rightfully) called out for responding to Charlottesville “This is not who we are” and “Is this America now?” White people love inspiring quotes and platitudes, but this is not the time for that.

We have to face the reality of our country if we want to have any hope of making meaningful change. It is impossible to believe that racism is a thing of the past while actively working to dismantle it.

Journalist and author Isabel Wilkerson put it this way: “Our country is like a really old house. I love old houses. I’ve always lived in old houses. But old houses need a lot of work, and the work is never done. And just when you think you’ve finished one renovation, it’s time to do something else. Something else has gone wrong. And that’s what our country is like. And you may not want to go into that basement, but if you really don’t go into that basement, it’s at your own peril. Whatever you are ignoring is not going to go away. Whatever you’re ignoring is only going to get worse. Whatever you’re ignoring will be there to be reckoned with until you reckon with it. And I think that that’s what we’re called upon to do where we are right now.”

White people: We have to go into the damn basement of this country and take stock of our dirty secrets. We have to look at racism and white supremacy and the systems that support them. We have to acknowledge all the ways these systems have benefited us.

We have to admit the hard things: This is who we are, and this what we have always been. America is not better than this. America was built on slavery and oppression and exploitation. America could be better than this, but it’s impossible to transform without owning up to our past.

Look inward. Now is a time when white people need to engage publicly and politically, but we also must commit to the important work that needs to be done on a quieter, personal level.

I’ve been thinking about this quote, from Shani Akilah, co-founder of the Black & Brown Workers Collective, a lot lately:

“I think one of the things, one of the pieces of advice I would give to someone looking to be involved, is that, often we think that getting involved means getting arrested or organizing a huge protest. Getting involved can be looking at your own attitudes and belief systems. And starting to really reflect on what it is you’ve taken in and started to believe based on what the world has taught you.”

White people, let’s look at what the world has taught us. Let’s ask ourselves the hard questions. Let’s be brave enough to delve within ourselves, seek out the buried shame and prejudice, and look at it, unblinking.

Let’s get to work.