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imbestforyou · 10 months

Text

you belong with me

pairing: jj maybank x bestfriend!reader

summary: reader is in love with jj, but jj’s dating another girl…

warnings: unmutual pining, minor profanity, poorly edited, cliffhanger (sorry i got lazy), short pt. 2 if people want it idk, little angst and fluff

approx. reading time: 8 minutes and 30 seconds

writing inspo: you belong with me (taylor’s version) by taylor swift

masterlist :)

“wait what?” i exclaimed. i was sitting in sarah’s room listening to her talk about her day at the beach with the pogues.

“yes i swear! he brought emily there and had his arm wrapped around her and everything! didn’t even surf, which is crazy for jj.”

“so he must be serious about this girl, right?” i sighed as i layed on her bed. i couldn’t believe it. jj maybank? in a relationship with a kook girl?

“i mean i don’t know much. but if i’m being honest, he didn’t seem that interested in her.” she talked as she curled her hair for her date with john b. i stayed silent. i couldn’t believe it.

————————————————————————————

“hey y/n!” i stopped in my tracks. i knew that voice all too well. and it was the voice of someone i had been ignoring for the past two weeks. i turned slowly to face him.

“hey.” i said looking at the floor. purposely avoiding eye contact. it wasn’t that i didn’t want to see jj, i did. but it hurt to know he was dating someone else. especially emily, someone who was drastically different from me, from all the pogues to be honest.

“i feel like i haven’t seen you in forever. what’s up with that? sarah told me you’ve been sick, but i told her that was bullshit. you haven’t gotten sick since like the 3rd grade.” he grabbed me by the shoulders playfully. i look up to see emily staring at me from the bar.

“uh yeah. i don’t know what happened. probably got it from my parents after they came back from new york.” it was a lie. my parents hadn’t been to new york in ages.

with emily giving me a death stare and jj touching me, i was feeling claustrophobic and a little freaked out, “anyways look i’ll see you later. i have to get home and get some homework done.” i turn around and start walking before he can begin a sentence.

————————————————————————————

you're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset

she's going off about something that you said

‘cause she doesn't get your humor like I do

my eyes were closed while i sunbathed on the beach before i was interrupted by another call on my phone.

jj <3 - 3 missed calls

jj <3 - calling now

“hello?”

“y/n? y/n! hey how- how are you doing?” he stutters a bit.

“hey i’m doing fine? are you okay? you sound a little weird.”

“i’m good just pissed at emily.” he huffed.

“ahh emily. so how is your new girlfriend?”

“she’s pissed at me for some lame joke i made with pope. and she called attacking me and shit because i was being a douchebag or something.”

“ha what else is new.” i joke. and he laughs which stops my heart for a minute. i pause then ask,

“what was the joke?” i ask, curious to know why emily would be so upset.

“i told her the dress she was wearing looked like a hospital gown and she got all pissed. wasn’t even a good joke…” he mumbled.

i laughed, he was right. it wasn’t, i could think of thousands of jokes better, but i could tell it must’ve been an attempt to make emily and pope laugh.

“i guess she doesn’t get your humor.”

“guess not…” he sighs then starts again,

“hey l was wondering if you wanted to hang out later. i don’t know i’ve been feeling really distant from you recently.

“yeah i’m sorry about that, um so like with the pogues or…?”

“nah just yo- sorry hold that thought emily’s calling me and i really don’t want to make her more mad. i’ll call you back.”

he never called back.

————————————————————————————

im in the room, it's a typical tuesday night

im listening to the kind of music she doesn't like

and she'll never know your story like I do

a week had passed and he still hadn’t called me. i wasn’t even trying to ignore him anymore, he just was never around. school had ended and summer break had finally begun. and still no call.

as i layed on my bed and sang along to “the blue” by gracie abrams, sarah tries convincing me to talk to jj.

“why don’t you just call him? see what’s up? it’s not like him to be this distant. it’s with john b too, hasn’t been to the chateau recently. and you know how his dad is.”

“a shitty father is what he is.” i spit out. even though i was irritated at jj for not even trying to keep any communication between any of the pogues my hatred for luke will always be worse.

i sit up, “look he’s probably fine and with emily. i’ll talk to john b to get him to chill. but honestly i don’t think jj wants to keep contact with any of us. if he wanted to he would have.”

“i don’t know, you should call him. emily has like tied him up all for herself. have you noticed that?”

but she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts

shes cheer captain and im on the bleachers

dreaming 'bout the day when you wake up and find

that what you're looking for has been here the whole time

“i mean i think everyone has. or that fact that she’s nothing like any of us and exactly like the type of girl he would make fun of.”

“a kook princess, like what i was.”

“exactly. i don’t want to judge him but why would he go into a relationship with someone who he so obviously doesn’t like?”

“something is up y/n. go figure it out.” she grabbed my car keys and pushed me out the door.

————————————————————————————

standing by and waiting at your back door

all this time, how could you not know, baby?

you belong with me, you belong with me

i take a deep breathe before knocking at his door.

no response. i knock again.

“hello! anyone home?”

“shut the hell u- y/n?” jj opens the door.

“hi- hey i just came to check on you. can i come in?”

he turns back, no doubt looking for his father. “probably not the best idea.”

“yeah- yeah uh wanna go to mine? so we can talk?” he nods and shuts the door behind him. he doesn’t make eye contact but all i can do is stare at the blood on his face and knuckles.

oh, I remember you driving to my house

in the middle of the night

im the one who makes you laugh

when you know you're 'bout to cry

and I know your favorite songs

and you tell me 'bout your dreams

think I know where you belong

think I know it's with me

i unlock my house from the back door to hopefully not make as much noise. my parents couldn’t find out i was sneaking in a boy in the middle of the night. i hurriedly close the door to my room and turn to him.

“are you okay?” i spill out.

“yes.” he’s quiet, that’s not the jj i know.

“you know you can talk to us, right? like any of the pogues, we’re here for you. i’m here for you.” i move closer and touch the blood on his forehead, and he winces. his head is sticky, like if he had been sweating. and i can’t decide whether it’s because of the humidity or if he was fighting with his father. probably both.

“luke?” he just nods. my heart breaks for him. i grab his hand and let him sit on my bed. i grab my first aid kit and rubbing alcohol and get to work on the blood and bruises on his hand and knuckles.

we sit in comfortable silence. but it was mostly me waiting to see if he was going to talk about his dad.

“i didn’t want to ignore you guys.” he speaks so low, i almost couldnt hear him. i kneel down so i can look at his face.

“then why did you?”

“i- i told my dad something, stupid i know. but he blew up on me a couple weeks ago. told me his boss had a nice daughter named emily my age. said if i could get with her, he’d get more money or some shit. i don’t know i guess i wanted to make him proud. so i- i started dating her. kept fucking it up and he would beat the shit out of me. didn’t want you guys to see me like that.”

i sighed. my hands were holding his for comfort. something we’d done since we were kids but felt really unfamiliar now.

“what’d you tell your dad to make him set you up with emily?”

he coughed, “told’m that i loved someone.”

my heart dropped for the second time in two months. why did i even think for a second that’d i’d have a chance? i told myself we belonged together.

“oh.” i got up and released my hands from his. suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. i cleared my throat.

“um well, i have some sleeping bags in my closet and if you want you can sleep in my bed or um whatever feels more com-“

“i told him i loved you.”

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harleehazbinfics · 3 months

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Home is where my Heart is.

Chapter 3: The First Time Table of Contents | Profile

Word Count: 1100+ Warning: implied rape and abuse A/N: idk i feel weird that he's kinda ooc; tbf he is very different here in this ff BUT LISTEN crazy meets sweet, ITS KINDA CUTE also also, imma take a break and continue my devout!reader ff, you can check it out here. thanky!

mmmmm i changed so much dialogue i wonder how this'll go. (edited as of Feb 20)

It had been quite a few months after Alastor and I have started going out. Nothing drastically different happened when we were still friends then transitioning to lovers.

Both of us would mind our own business, however, that didn’t really mean that we weren’t thinking about each other. If Alastor went on radio, I would listen to him while doing mundane chores, listening to his voice through the vintage filter of the stereo, I'd even retort to his witty commentary as if he was in the room with me. While, I would be out doing shows across the city, ranging from clubs and cafes to the early television programs.

Today was one of those days, where I would be waiting for Alastor to pick me up after performing a show, as he promised to bring me out to drink for our date. I stood at a lamp post waiting for him, looking down at my shadow.

“Well, look who it is. Lil’ Mel out in town?” a raspy voice said to me, “Must be nice to finally get out of that orphanage, huh? How’ve you been liking it so far? Missed me?”

Hearing this familiar insistent voice sent shivers down my spine, having flashbacks of my days in the orphanage. I wrapped my arms around myself.

“Go away, Aidan. I don’t want to talk to you,” I announced, fear creeping up on me.

“Oh, don’t be like that, babe!” he said putting his hand on my shoulder, “Don’t you remember all our fun times?”

I wriggled out of his grasp and angrily answered, “Fun? Hah, you’re insane. And never call me babe! Goodbye.”

I tightened my grasp on my sling bag and briskly walked away, looking for a more crowded area. But I never got too far when he suddenly had my arm in a tight grip making me squeal in pain. He covered my mouth with his other hand hushing me, and placing his knee between my legs. This scenario was all too familiar that tears welled up in my eyes automatically, but I gathered all my courage tensing my body and biting his hand, frustration clear on my face.

Meanwhile, Alastor was already a few buildings close to your arranged meeting place when he stopped when he heard a familiar voice.

“I told you to let go of me!”

This shout reaches his ears following a thud, fearing the worst he then bolts toward Miledy’s direction.

“Miledy!” he yells however freezes when he sees a man looming over her with a metal pipe in his hands.

“AL!” she screamed scared out of her wits.

Without a second thought, he lunges at the man throwing the both of them to the side leaving me on the floor. I looked at Alastor in fear for him when I saw him struggling to wrestle the larger man off of him.

“STOP! GET OFF HIM!”

Aidan seemed to falter when he heard me, creating an opening for Alastor and managing to stab him through his chest. Aidan gathered the last of his strength to wrap his hand around Alastor’s neck. I panicked and grabbed the forgotten pipe and bashed him over the head, making him go limp on top of Al.

Alastor moved the body to the side and with a relieved look on his face, he moves forwards and pulls me in a tight hug.

“I was so scared. Did you get hurt?” he frets over me.

“You’re not scared of me? I just killed a-a person, Al,” I asked afraid of his reaction.

“Heavens no! I’m more relieved you’re not hurt,” he replied letting go of the hug and placing his hand to the side of my face.

Relieved that Alastor didn’t leave her despite her sins, she finally broke down as she recounted the traumatic events that had happened, including the times where she comforted herself to sleep crying after Aidan was done playing with her, causing all these bottled up grievances to burst out. While Alastor did his best to comfort her in an embrace.

“We should probably leave now. It won’t take long before someone calls the police,” he explained holding on to her shoulder. I only nodded my head shakily still rattled and followed his lead.

He covered the body and lifted it over his shoulder keeping it steady while his free grabbed my hand and ran far far away. We eventually ended in a forest where we buried the body. I wiped the sweat off my brow breathing deeply from all the extraneous activities. After that was all done, Alastor led me to a cabin outside the hunting grounds.

“Where are we?” I asked while looking at the old furniture and the floorboards that creaked.

“My house,” he stated simply offering me a glass of water. I took and drank all of it without a second thought making Alastor tug a very subtle smile on his lips at how she completely trusted him.

“Al, we just killed a man and buried him. What if they figure out that we did it? What will happen to us?” I ramble, face going pale from different scenarios going through my mind.

He kneels in front of me a frown adorning his face when he saw how distraught I was and replied, “I’ll never let them hurt you. I promise, they will never know.”

“What about you, Al! What if they take you away from me. I don’t want to be separated from you!” I yelled hoping he’d care about his own well-being.

“Oh, sweetheart,” he said reading through me and holding my face in his hands, “I’ll never ever leave you, not if I can’t help it.”

My eyebrows furrowed still unconvinced, “How can you be so sure?”

His eyebrows drooped and a wry smile takes place while putting his hands on my knees obediently, “I’ve been hiding from them for years now. They haven’t had any idea that it was me. Knowing a lot of people surely has its perks.” I looked at him confused. “The first person killed was when I was 16, on the day that my mother died, and I’ve been running ever since.”

“I’m sorry I lied to you. But I never wanted you to be involved in this dirty past of mine,” he apologizes. “But I swear on my life that I never had any bad intention towards you. All I want is for you to be safe and free from worry.”

It took a very long time before one of us did or said anything. I took his hand, stood up and walked him towards the balcony that we walked past getting here. And just watched as the sun slowly rose hand in hand.

“I guess this is how we live for the rest of our lives now,” I uttered just above a whisper to the wind.

“I’ll protect you. No matter what.”

“Me too. You can depend on me… I love you, Al.”

“Thank you, Miledy.”

#hazbin fotel fanfic #hazbin hotel #hazbin lucifer #hazbin hotel fanfiction #hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin husk #hazbin alastor #hazbin angel dust #hazbin charlie #alastor x oc #alastor x reader #alastor #hazbin husker #hazbin vaggie #hazbin nifty

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k4g3hika · 2 years

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Hi! I really liked your writting style and since your requests are open, I wanted to send an ask! 💕

Please, feel totally free to ignore this, but if you like the idea, how would you feel about writing about a reader who dresses totally girly and cute, in pink or whatever, but is like, suuper into rock? Like Eddie thinks that she is cute but when he actually gets to meet her, he is just smitten? Maybe they meet because they have a project they need to work on together for some class?

Idk it just seems really cute in my head but maybe I'm just projecting about being mutually in love with a metal head lmao sorry

YOUR SECRET IS SAFE WITH ME ━ imagine!

eddie munson x fem! reader

summary: eddie felt like a freak in his history class and when the teacher brings up a group project, he just wanted to bury himself deep into the ground. however, a surprise awaits him when he's partnered up with the preppiest prep in the class and he couldn't be more happier.

genre: fluff

wc: 803

note: thank you sm for this request! this is my first request and i'm so happy that you sent me this. this idea is so cute. also don't be sorry about liking eddie, literally i write and read for him everyday. it's a problem.

‘Fuck me.’ Eddie drags his hands over his face after Mr. Fraser’s announcement of a group project. Literally anything, could’ve been better than this. He knew that nobody in the class was willing to work with him, and it was even worse when the partners were chosen by the teacher. To see the look of anguish on his announced partner’s face hurt him a tiny bit. Eddie’s only human, what else is there to expect?

“Mr. Munson, you’ll be working with Y/N. I hope that with this partner, you’ll finally get above a C.” The class snickers, causing Eddie to roll his eyes. But at the realization of his chosen partner…he almost shit his pants.

‘Y/N? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.’ The only girl he’s ever looked at this entire class and the universe just decides to pair them up for a History class project?! Seriously?

Eddie didn’t know whether or not the higher power up there favoured him, or simply detested him.

“Okay class! Partner up!” The screeches of chairs and tables rang throughout the classroom, but Eddie seemed too captured in his thoughts to even think about getting up. Eddie was seriously going to either throw up or shit himself, because he was just so nervous about not being farther than six feet away from you. What was worse however, was that he was scared of your reaction at Mr. Fraser’s announcement.

‘Were you annoyed? You probably don’t like him, you’re a part of that crowd that basically shit on me for the entirety of my six-year high school career.’ In time to disrupt his over-thinking, he heard the pull of a chair in front of him, prompting him to quickly raise his head and drop it back down.

“Hi…um, I’m Y/N! I don’t have much ideas yet for this project but I hope we can come up with some together.” Eddie simply didn’t respond, only looking down at your crisp, white Reeboks. Your style was drastically different from his, making him feeling more insecure at the contrast of your outfits. While he was sporting his regular denim jacket, black jeans and combat boots, you were wearing the preppiest outfit a prep can wear.

‘Reeboks, pink skirt and a white shirt. Jesus.’

“Hey, Eddie. I’m sorry to interrupt anything but we really need to work on this project.” His attention went back to your concerned eyes and he shrugs his shoulders.

“O-Okay.” Fuck, why did he stutter. Recognizing his discomfort, you attempt to give him a comforting smile while pulling out your binder and notebooks out of your bag.

‘Shit, you’re so cute.’ Anyone would’ve thought that you were a try hard with all your prissy pens and highlighters, but he found it so unbearably cute that he wanted to just collapse in his seat.

“Oh no, I forgot my textbook. Hey I’m just gonna walk over to my desk to get it-” As you were getting up however, you tripped from your bag that laid astray beside you. Eddie quickly got up to hold onto your arms and you thankfully didn’t fall down onto the ground. However, the same couldn’t be said about the stuff in your bag.

Absolutely everything in your bag was all over the ground, and by everything, it was everything from your flashcards to your Black Sabbath cassette tapes.

‘Pause.’

Getting a better look at the cassette, Eddie bent down to pick it up. His eyes widened.

“Please give it back-”

“You listen to Black Sabbath?” Your eyes flash to his, attempting to grab the cassette tape from his grip, but failed to do so. A smile slowly grows on his face. But it wasn’t condescending, not at all, it was more soft.

“Listen Eddie, please just give it back.” At your plead, Eddie gives you back the tape, seeing you push it back into your bag with the rest of your Metallica, Black Sabbath and AC/DC ones. As you walk away however, he couldn’t stop looking at your retreating figure and your cute pink bag.

Finally finding your textbook, you walk back to him and sit with a huff in front of him.

“Please don’t tell anyone Eddie.” You lean in, giving him a view he possibly will never forget. Your eyes look so cute pleading for him, and your lips were pursed from your begging. He just wanted to squish your cheeks together. “Please…”

‘Jesus H Christ, you’re gonna be the death of me.’

He leans in with his arms crossed, giving you a smile that you possibly will never forget. With his eyes continuously flashing to your lips, if the both of you push forward anymore, there wouldn’t be any space between you both. We all knew what that meant.

“You’re secret is safe with me sweetheart.”

#stranger things #eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson fluff #joseph quinn #stranger things 4 #netflix #dustin henderson #stranger things s4 #eddie the freak munson

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marnz · 3 hours

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since i'm one of those people who watched tsn in 2023 (i was 12 when tsn was broadcasted) so it gave me this weird mixed feeling whenever i read markwardo fanfic because knowing how bad these people actually are irl and not some uwu precious baby but i can't blame fanfic writers in 2010-2011 for thinking zuckerberg and saverin were cool because during that time facebook was indeed cool and the internet was younger at that time too, the fic are good i admit but sometimes i need a moment to rethink why am i reading irl capitalists fanfic, it's so hard to distinguish between tsn and irl material most of the time too and not to mention tsn was just a story written based on irl saverin pov of fb and he was also an asshole. The only fun time to enjoy tsn was probably 2010-2011 because fb was cool, the cast was close and now even the cast of this film probably don't even contact each other anymore despite being so closed in 2010, sorry for rambling i just think it's amazing that people who enjoy tsn in 2010 still post about it in 2024!

well anon. Like I said. You had to be there. Look I love context and you said you were 12 in 2010 so here is some context: yes the internet was younger and yes fb/meta had not destroyed democracy yet but I also think there was more of a sense of hope related to technology, as opposed to dread. A lot of tech and social mainstays had not happened yet, politics were drastically different, Chris Hughes (cofounder of fb & communications guy) helped Obama get elected, people didn’t think global warming was real, society was MUCH more conservative and homophobic, etc., and the internet was the place to be.

when you say the internet was younger I’m interpreting this to mean that FB had not come into its final form yet, which is true, but also it & the internet was such a radically different experience. It felt limitless. You weren’t corralled in as much. You could go anywhere, you could find anything, you could make your own websites very easily, you were not assaulted by pop ups and apps were not mainstream because Apple didn’t launch the App Store until 2008. It was so easy to learn how to code. The operating systems between Apple and Android were SO distinct. Twitter launched in 2008/2009 but wasn’t quite so relevant until idk 2014? Fandom had just migrated from LJ to Tumblr but Tumblr was also hotter with the aesthetic girlies and porn blogs. “The algorithm” didn’t run the world. Yesterday I tried to find an article by searching for it and both Google and DuckDuckGo completely disregarded my request and did not turn up anything relevant. I can assure you that would not have happened in 2011. So there was SUCH a sense of optimism because the internet felt like a social good instead of an obligation that is increasingly privatized, surveilled, constrained, and decayed.

Which is why TSN got made and why there was an interest. It was a source of profound social change. But anyway. FB/Meta has ruined lives and it and all other social media apps that elevate divisive opinions to prompt as much engagement as possible (have you heard of the awful Isabel Fall twitter scandal? I recommend this article) are awful! And yet there’s an expectation of being online because a lot of communities now organize online, a lot of services require being online, etc., fandom has become less centralized/less unified, which is its own post.

Out of curiosity, what led you to watch the film? I do find it fascinating that there’s been a resurgence of TSN fandom. If this article had not been written I would not be posting about it but there’s still a lot of fic being written and fanvids being made to Taylor Swift songs. But it’s fandom devoid of all this context. So it is very strange, because you know what FB and all these people in it will become. I think I would have the exact cognitive dissonance you described if I watched it for the first time last year and tried to read fic. It is SO deeply fictionalized, so much of it is radically untrue, but you as the reader carry the truth in your mind. Which is why I cannot and do not engage with these days. And why I hold TSN in my mind curtained off. I spoke with many ppl from the original fandom yesterday and trust me, no one wants this.

I think, realistically, whatever movie Sorkin wants to make will probably be very good. It’s probably a good story to tell & explore. But I won’t be watching it. I lived that shit

#answered #anonymous #tsn #sorry for this very long answer I just think that you need to understand that 2011 and 2024 are basically night & day #also like for all of my critiques I met some of my best friends in TSN fandom #and I wrote so much fic and I met a lot of people that way as well! mostly thru glowing au & homo fuge #yes the cast is no longer close from what I’ve observed.#armie hammer is a rich evil nightmare. Justin Timberlake was once the prince of pop but now is either loathed or unremarkable #Jesse Eisenberg’s career choices are their own post #Andrew Garfield is my Taylor swift.

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jameswyerford · 6 months

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do you think it’s still possible that eungyeol didn’t change yichan’s fate? I was waiting all of ep 12 for some signs of the trauma affecting his hearing but there was nothing of that sort so now I’m feeling. very unsure and scared to watch the rest. also while I’m on ep 12 I thought it just in general had some weird twists. like them completely walking back on eungyeol confessing that he is yichan’s son instead of leaving it ambitious for yichan which I feel like would be much more interesting for their dynamic. and also idk I like that yichan misses cheongah but her blowing up at him like that felt a little sudden and out of nowhere as a writing choice. she’s hurt but before it was established within the show that she wants to be friends with yichan even if he doesn’t like her back so this sudden change without explanation was strange. and it could maybe make sense…. if they spent more time on cheongah. the sprinklers of her instead of a normal amount of screen time really are. frustrating

i dont think eungyeol is gonna be able to change his father's fate because his hearing loss is gonna be a canon event (it better be or else im gonna do something drastic) as i mentioned before i think yichan will lose his hearing progressively rather than immediately. episode 12 of any kdrama can be a turning point for the show because it either goes okay and makes sense or it is a mess and feels like a totally different show lmao akdbdk

and i feel like they made cheongah a side character that will only have screentime if it is shared with either eungyeol yichan and even eunyu which sucks so bad like ?? we have barely seen her on her own, this is supposed to be a drama that celebrates deaf people and instead they got the only deaf character being miserable all.the.damn.time. turning her into some kind of martyr... im kinda tired of it tbh

and i think the lack of (meaningful) screentime of cheongah explains why we dont understand her reactions sometimes,, i personally think she was angry at him because he somehow confuses her (and honestly sometimes he confuses me as well) cheongah is a person who has spent most of her life alone and now she has got a friend she happens to like and who doesnt exactly check on her (because he is obsessed with a girl who doesnt even pay attention to him akdbksns and cheongah seems to see it too and is pissed/sad for it she is a teenager after all) and yichan is someone who is popular at some extent so i believe that makes cheongah think he is friends with her because he pities her or wants to look like the great guy who is friends with someone with a "disability" which isnt true at all!! we have clearly seen yichan genuinely wants to be his friend but after everything she is going through i think she doesnt see it that way anymore

(hopefully all of this makes sense i feel like i lost myself within the lines aksbksns)

#twinkling watermelon #yoon cheongah #deaf character #deaf representation #ha yichan #ha eungyeol

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imstillhere-butallislost · 1 year

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10 months on low dose Androgel timeline

I think the last one I did of these was at 7 months, oops. I started on 1 pump of 1% androgel, which has 12.5 mg of testosterone in each pump. Since December, I have been on 2 pumps a day. I have yet to have any blood work done, so i don’t know my levels.

This is a timeline of the most recent, biggest changes. I have other posts about my earlier timeline in my Testosterone gel tag.

The *biggest* change these past few months have been my voice. It’s changed drastically from February to now, but I think it’s actually sort of levelled out recently. It was hard to speak loudly for a most of February and March, because my voice would try to go higher but I just didn’t have that range anymore, so it would crack or just, make no sound at all. I think, for the most part, that is over. I think this was just one voice drop and im sure more will come (I still sound androgynous too, but that could be because of speaking mannerisms rather than voice) but I’ve learned how to talk with my lower voice now, and can speak loudly without the problems i used to have.

i went from my lowest, median, and highest of my voice being 176hz, 215hz, and 255hz respectively, to 96hz lowest, 137hz median, and 179hz highest, but those numbers do fluctuate a bit depending on day which is normal. It’s strange to see what used to be the lowest my voice went when talking is now the highest it goes. It’s been really great.

I will say, that I am now at the point where i cannot play it off like im sick or anything when people ask about my voice. I have been specifically asked if i’m on testosterone, and people I haven’t seen in a while are shocked at my voice now. If you are someone thinking about low dose T to hide changes for as ling as you can from unsupportive people, I only got 10 months, and many people get less. you cannot guarentee when you will get what changed.

on to things besides voice.

My arm and hand veins are,, extremely prominent when I get warm. It’s really interesting, gives me huge euphoria, but is also really weird to look at.

My period hasn’t stopped yet, still gotten a lot lighter though which has been great.

My face has definitely changed, but in a way where it’s hard to tell what exactly has changed. i just know i look different. I just can’t really place how. My eyebrows are thicker, my skin looks different, but there’s something bigger that is just hard to see.

I still don’t really pass in public, long hair androgynous voice and no binder will do that, but i’m really liking how everything is going so far. Genuinely I think going on T has just cured my depression??????? I’m only normal sad like once a month, not thinking about offing myself once a day. I didn’t think testosterone would change so much about how I feel, but it’s made me feel so much more calm and rational. I have a good grasp on my emotions, and they don’t consume me anymore. I’m able to think past them and make good decisions without letting my depression or anxiety or anger rule out my rational brain. That won’t be the experience for everyone, but it is mine. and it has been great.

Also maybe expect a trans tape review soon idk, I’m getting some because my binder fits me on paper, but irritates my arms sooo much that it’s hard to wear.

Feel free to ask any questions, I’d be happy to answer

#trans #transgender #ftm #transmasc #testosterone #testosterone gel #androgel #testosterone timeline #low dose testosterone #trans man #t gel #dan talks #i think thats all the tags i need here

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symbioticsimplicity · 1 year

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Just got to season 7 and I have some thoughts on souled!Spike.

So my whole worldview on rewatching this series has been different from when I watched it when I was younger. There's been a lot of things I liked or thought were fine the first go around that I don't see the same at all now.

Spike getting his soul back is one of those. I have incredibly mixed feelings about it.

On the one hand, I fucking love him for looking at himself, deciding that he wanted to be better than he currently was, and making the effort to change. That's a huge thing, especially for someone who supposedly is "evil".

But that's the entire reason I hate it too.

To me, a soul in this context is very much a representation of the idea that people are intrinsically good and therefore worthy of love and respect. That being good is the only way someone could or should truly love you. Its certainly what Spike believes and the narrative backs it up.

Setting aside how reductive that is, I dislike that idea because it ignores choice.

Before Spike got his soul back, whenever he did something good, that was a choice he consciously made. He chose to go against his nature and do things that made him a pariah with his own kind, regularly.

Sure, you could argue that he started that because of the chip, so it wasn't necessarily a choice. But he didn't have to start slaying demons. He didn't have to help Buffy, or get close with her friends and family. Those were all choices, the only thing the chip did was keep him from being able to cause meaningful harm. Everything else was a choice.

I personally think that its far more noble to chose to be kind and helpful when you have no reason to.

Like yeah, he eventually wanted Buffy to love him, but he didn’t start off that way. Falling in love motivates plenty of people, and I think it was pretty telling that he could do that even without a soul.

Idk, it just leaves a bitterness in me that they only genuinely start treating Spike like a person after he goes through such a drastic and painful change. Like that makes him more worthy of their care, like he hadn't already been a friend for years.

I know it was also in part a response to Seeing Red, but I've also got a laundry list of complaints about that too. I think it was OOC as all fuck, it was shitty for the actor, and overall an unnecessary character assassination in a season that was already really full of S/A overtones, I don't get why they'd toss something so horrible at a ship they planned to make endgame other than to get to the soul plot which could have come about literally any other way, especially when even at his worst Spike never showed any sort of proclivity towards that.

It just.... I really don't like the idea that love is something you have to be worthy of. I dont like the idea that you have to change your entire person and suffer for it to be meaningful. I don't like the idea that everything that Spike had done for them up to there was ultimately meaningless because he didn't have a soul to back it up. Especially after all the emotional abuse season 6 puts him through.

I would at least have liked for there to be a scene where he's clearly suffering soul related issues and Buffy just apologies to him. Because she knows he did it for her, she knows how much pain he's in because she's seen Angel going through it, and he's been doing it for longer so fresh must be even worse. Just an apology because someone she cares for is in deep pain because all he wanted was to be "better" for her, because she made him feel that way. I just want it to be shown as the desperate, hopeful, scream for love that it was rather than an obligatory requirement of earning that love.

#btvs meta #btvs spike #i have a beef with this #plus it changed some of my favorite things about him #like its cool that he was so goddamn dedicated #but fuck he shouldn't have had to be #especially in a series like this #souled!spike meta

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kelean · 4 months

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makeup and change for the oc ask ^__^

thank you for the ask bestie ily <33

doing these for venon again ^__^

makeup: Does your OC wear makeup? How often? What kind? Why do they wear makeup, and do they like it?

actually feel like mixing in the modern au in this since at first i didn’t really hc him wearing a lot of makeup in the “canon” universe. if anything, it was just a bit of a natural-looking eyeshadow (as it was with his in-game model)

but the more i thought about his modern appearance, the more i started liking the idea of him wearing light green and orange/brown-ish glittery eyeshadow as these are the colors that make up most of his everyday wardrobe in both universes. still, i don’t think that he’d wear it on the everyday basis, but it would be here more often than not

ex:

there is, however, one small detail that only persists in the modern au (the one i like too much to not to mention), and it’s the fact that this is not his only look and it’s mostly for the daytime stuff anyway. because there’s a completely different vibe to him when he has to perform on his usual shits in the nightclub, and most of the times his makeup is not something elaborate and especially not something refined but it is eye-catching and bold (think someone like damiano david) since he wants to draw all of the attention from the audience to himself when he’s on stage. still mostly an eye shadow though. but sometimes with even more glittery stuff lol

ex:

also! idk if it counts but he tried to cover up his burn scar when he first got it with some foundation. but as i've said in the previous ask he doesn't see it as something that needs covering up anymore

change: Has your OC ever drastically changed their appearance? Significant haircuts, big tattoos, complete wardrobe swap, etc? Why? How do they feel about the change?

ohhh, you know. the only time he changed something about his appearance was when he and shiv escaped from the monastery’s orphanage. he obviously didn’t like that he was forced to cut his hair short along with everybody else by the rules (not only because it wasn’t pretty but because it was yet another regulation of his life which was made with a point to devoid him – and everyone else for that matter – of any personality) so of course he kept his hair long after breaking free

aaand he got his first ear piercing from shiv (as well as they got their first from him) right after the escape, too. again, it was more of a “rebellious act” he suggested they’d do together since there were no rules to stop them from doing something like that anymore. and it did felt freeing, for both of them.

they still do each other’s piercings but now it’s just for the cosmetic purposes only :]

#i think i've said it before somewhere but just so there was no confusion - shiv is venon’s older sibling (and my bestie's character ^__^)#also. its so funny that the makeup question was the first one i got up to because i thought it would be the easiest one but #then i had to spend a few hours rethinking venon’s entire canon design because of it. anyway #oc: venon #vi.txt

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viola-ophelia · 1 year

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2022 Fanfic Year in Review: ifearnocolors on ao3

i was clicking around on my own blog earlier and randomly found my 2021 fanfic year in review, so i thought it’d be fun to do it again! i wasn’t tagged by anyone ofc lol, but i’m tagging a few ppl at the end in case anyone wants to do this too :)

Total Completed Works: 11, same as last year!

Word Count: 21,677... much less than last year lol. but to be fair, i finished publishing my silmarillion longfic at the beginning of 2021, so that drastically inflated last year’s wordcount. this year, i learned to embrace the fact that i am most definitely a oneshot (and occasionally two-shot ;)) writer!

Fandoms I’ve Written In: loki (mcu), bridgerton, pirates of the caribbean, and turn: washington’s spies.

Looking Back, Did You Write More Fic Than You Thought You Would This Year, Less, Or About What You’d Expected?: about what i’d expected! in 2022, i think i finally found a fic-writing schedule that i’m comfortable with... which is writing whenever inspiration strikes, but not pushing myself beyond that! i wrote pretty sporadically in the first half of the year (mainly because i was working on a personal writing project) but published a few more things in the fall and winter as i got back into the turn fandom (and ran my first fandom event, which was so much fun and filled me with inspiration!).

What’s Your Own Favorite Story Of The Year?: i’d definitely say it was gather up the splinters, build a casket for my tears. this was, like, my 3rd or 4th attempt at writing a turn au where john andre survives LOL, but i’m definitely happiest with/proudest of this one. fun fact, i wrote the whole thing in a day after being struck with random inspiration during my ‘turnsgiving’ week event LOL!

Do You Have Any Fanfic Goals For The New Year?: i just hope to keep writing, to keep loving it, to keep expanding my skills, and to keep being proud of my work!

Most Popular Story Of The Year?: you stuck in the knife that you held at my back, my speculative loki season 2 opening scene, with 43 kudos. (hey, i never claimed to be a popular writer LOL! but 43 whole people enjoying one of my stories is incredible.)

Story Of Mine Most Under-Appreciated By The Universe, In My Opinion: i’m well aware that there’s literally zero market for cutler beckett x OC fanfiction LOL, but in the ideal universe, chasing pirates would’ve gotten a lot more attention! (and for all you beckett haters, the OC in question is a cannibalistic siren, so. there’s something in it for everyone!)

Most Fun Story To Write: i think my idea of what’s “fun to write” is, uh, a little different from the norm. i greatly enjoyed forcing john andre to kill ben tallmadge in the crown hangs heavy on either side, and i also took great pleasure in forcing davy jones and cutler beckett into a weird existentialist hell scenario in parley. clearly, i’m extremely sane! :D

Most Unintentionally Telling Story: oof idk, someone else psychoanalyze me! idk about a particular work, but i feel like the fact that all 11 of my fics from this year were tagged as “character study” says... something?

Biggest Disappointment: that i didn’t really leave my comfort zone in terms of style or substance. 2022 showed me that i definitely have a “typical fic” (oneshot, character study, vignette/snapshot style, angst and/or existentialism), but i’m not sure whether that means i’ve found my style/authorial voice, or if my works are a bit formulaic lolol. i’d like to hopefully branch out from my instinctive structure/style in 2023. the closest i got to trying anything new/different last year was attempting to write fluff in the second chapter of sweet nothing, and, well... it’s simply not that fluffy. a bit of angst got in there somehow!!

Biggest Surprise: someone wrote a fic inspired by one of mine for the first time ever, which was so amazing. also, i randomly wrote a bridgerton fic (i want to be the one to walk in the sun) while recovering from wisdom teeth surgery LOL!

i’m tagging @deathicus-sling @thatfeanorian @maironsmaid @sauronnaise @moodrose @leomcclintock @tallmadgeandtea @musicboxmemories @hmsannlett (thanks for tagging me last year LOL!) and any other writers who follow me! (feel free to ignore this if you want lol. also i don’t mind if you reblog or make your own, either is good!)

#writing #my stuff #turn #mcu #pirates of the caribbean #bridgerton #loki #turn amc #turn washington's spies #turn: washington's spies #amc turn #marvel #loki series #potc #fanfiction

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boypussydilf · 1 year

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For the ask game: those two people in your header

YAAAAAAY. im building a collection of father daughter duos where both of them r autistic. so far my collection is just sherlock&iris and dororo&koyuki. im going to preemptively assume this will get long enough that the polite thing to do will be putting it under a cut. so here look at them

that’s uh. supposed to be a gif. it didn’t. it didn’t save as a gif. ok whatever

DORORO N KOYUKI THEYRE AWESOME. THE BESTEST CHARACTERS. i dont think any fans dislike either of them bc they’re so great that how could you not like them

describe their canon relationship/dynamic

INSEPARABLE BEST FRIENDS. VERY familial. they rely on each other they encourage each other they teach things to each other they help each other. they both want the best for each other & always do whatever they can to help Get it. they’re sooo sweet all the time theyre just giving each other advice or telling each other new bad jokes. or hunting in the woods together. you know how it is. koyuki always does whatever she can for dororo when hes having a Complete Emotional Breakdown and hes always super excited for her when she has a good time hanging out with natsumi and They’re Just Sweet.

your ideal/headcanon version of it? how does it differ from how it is in canon & why is this your favorite version? any other alternate versions of it you enjoy?

i dont think theyre actually very different in my mind than in the series. like. i used to think dororo being like her dad was a fabrication of my brain but no he really IS sometimes. his first dialogue in the show is asking her how she likes her new school. like. they’re one of those dynamics i like where i dont think there’s any improving on it. it’s pretty much the best version of itself as is.

what do you like about their relationship, why is it interesting or enjoyable to you?

I HAVE to like it bc dororo is my favorite character ever and koyuki is One Of my favorite characters in the series. i love found family. i Love Besties. i love autistic people. theyre just Very Fun, and Very Cute, and Very Funny, and Very Important

what about the individual characters involved? what does this relationship mean to them, what makes it unique among their relationships?

GOD IT HAS TO BE SO SO IMPORTANT TO BOTH OF THEM. LIKE. lets start with koyuki. She seems to be an orphan but aside from that her family situation is unknown, like idk if she ever HAD parents she Knew or not, and the ninja village she spent Most of her childhood in was kind of Against the formation of too Soft & Close of relationships. One of her lifelong friends Mukuro was always firmly against koyuki calling them friends because Ninjas Don’t Have Friends, and another one of her friends would help her out when she got tired or hurt during training as a little kid & she said he might get in trouble because he wasn’t Supposed to help her. Koyuki had friends anyway because she’s just that nice and determined but she wasn’t really SUPPOSED to and i don’t know how many people were close to her in like. A Warm Way Conducive To A Child Who Is Growing Up. Dororo is sort of Her Only Family, and he’s also the one Consistent part of her life - she had to say goodbye to all the people she’d known for her entire life when the ninja village was disbanded, and had to move on to a life completely different from anything she was used to, BUT Dororo had been living in the village for a few years (is the timeline I tend to go with) before that so she gets to have ONE properly familiar thing With her in her new life.

For dororo. First of all. Koyuki is the ONE person he knows that he has absolutely 0 grudge of any kind against. He’s at least a tiny little bit angry at everyone else he knows but koyuki has never done anything wrong to him ever in her life. She also like. Saved His Life. In the straightforward literal momentary sense and also in the existential metaphorical sense of when you experience a change so drastic that it completely changes you and then you look back and go I USED TO BE LIKE THAT?? THANK GOD I GOT OUT like . She literally saved his life when she found him caught in a trap which it has to be said was kind of a big deal for him already because he was taught to expect humans to be violent and cruel, don’t join the military. & she took him back to her village and took CARE of him and helped train him 2 be a ninja and indirectly/unintentionally showed him some of the Best of earth & humanity and the kinds of things he thinks are Beautiful and he got his life changed and threw the old life out and became someone he likes more. And she is always nice to him and is the one person who never forgets him :)

They just care about each other so much!!!! They both have other very close friends but they’re definitely each others closest friends on a very deep level. They consider it a Given that they are going to keep being best friends & family forever. Soulmates (familial)

favorite interaction they have in canon

NOOOOhow am i supposed to choose…. most of their interactions are really sweet or funny……. ummmm…. I like just sort of. Everything that’s about their friendship in 184. Koyuki noticing something is Weird with dororo and immediately spending her whole day making a protective charm for him. their friendship literally saving his life again in that koyuki (not for the first time) uses her awesome powers of Being Very Determined and Caring So So Deeply About Her Friends to overcome magic that’s supposed to be completely controlling her, & is able to just redirect her sword a little to hit the charm she made instead of hitting him.

Also I really like the scene in movie 2 where tamama goes “i feel like we’re forgetting someone” and koyuki immediately holds up dororo and goes “dororo’s here!” it’s really funny

favorite interaction they have in your head/a situation you want to put them in

I just think they deserve more family moments bc they very much are family. And I want to see more of dororo being koyukis wingman when she wants to spend time with natsumi. He’s already kinda done that once in the manga. Do it again. Help ur daughter get her rad gf

#THANKYOUUUUUUUUU IM LOVE THEM. as evidenced by the fact that theyre my icon andblog header.#basilask #i think it can joining the military for trauma #keron wa uchuu ichi… tabun

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sewercentipede · 2 years

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hi : ) Just wondering have u ever tried mescaline? whats it like, whered u get it and howd u take it? i kind of want to trip a little but i dont really want to do acid. thanks so much and i hope u have a really nice night 🤍

preemptive apology for the length of my reply lol

ive never tried mescaline extract on its own, but i have done peyote in a native american church ceremony (and mescaline is the hallucinogen in peyote). the thing about taking a plant vs the isolated hallucinogen is the characteristics of the trip r different, affected by the spirit of the plant and its qualities. ie peyote feels slightly different from San Pedro even tho they both have mescaline, and both feel slightly different from extracted mescaline (from what I’ve learned from my experiences w other plant psychedelics and from ppls experiences w mescaline and mescaline-containing cacti). but I’ll share my experience with peyote since the differences aren’t super drastic.

I’ll start w the where and how I took it bc that influenced my experience of it a lot: i did it as part of a Native American church ceremony held by a Lakota chief. this involved sitting in a circle w other ppl, in a big teepee (tipi?) in a desert, a fire was In the center, the Lakota chief and his nephew sang and played the water drum, singing of their creation myth of the world and animals and humans and singing prayers to spirit and to water, and this ceremony lasted from sunset to sunrise. the peyote was brewed into a tea and also made into a paste by the Lakota chief and his helpers, so idk where he got it. we ate the paste and drank the tea. they drummed and sang and we meditated and prayed (internally) into the fire all night. we’d get more peyote paste and tea in rounds, which we could accept or deny. I drank all the paste from the first round, it is EXTREMELY bitter astringent and gritty, so I didn’t have more, but did have two rounds of tea. Often there is a purging process (“getting well”) that will happen when you take a substance like this, this is normal, and it’s better to let it out not fight it. I did have a moment of nausea but, I had done ayahuasca for two nights earlier that week and kambo too and I was on dieta, so I didn’t purge. My dad purged a lot though. I think my mom did too?. U just do it on the desert sand. Then they shovel it, bury it in the desert, and put fresh sand over it.

I would describe it as much like shrooms but far less paranoid, less alien, less prone to things like fixating and intrusive thoughts/flashbacks, confusion, emotional distress/delusions. less getting “hit by a psychedelic truck”. it was more grounded, more of an earthling so it felt more familiar and gentler, there was more of an easing into it and out of it, and more mental clarity, less driven to extremes by emotional state. peyote specifically is a very short, small cactus and they call it “grandfather”. it felt like, while looking at the fire, I was a very short/squat small being, my perspective was shifted and it felt like I was seeing things from on the ground/horizon, the fire and other ppl were big and angled differently. I also tried talking to the peyote in my head (like, how you can talk to ayahuasca and she answers). the way he was, he didn’t answer directly, he was more elusive, he didn’t really care about my problems or want to answer, and he didn’t feel invested or obligated to do so. He was more interested in me experiencing the world from his point of view and I think for him that is as much as he could offer, and he was proud to offer it. He also would keep changing my prayer in my head! I had one I was repeating and he would change it to something else and I’d have to be like “wait — that’s not what I was tryna say!” He gave me the very strong vibe of “O! That Gnome” from the faeries oracle deck by Brian froud:

anyway the water drum and the singing music Is very droning and repetitive and the result is that it is extremely grounding. so it’s like an anchor, and makes the trip feel stable and safe and can even mask it entirely and make you feel completely sober except for brief moments. it was doing that and like, in the morning the women had to leave the teepee to prepare ceremonial breakfast of meat, berries, corn, and Water (as offerings to spirit and water) and serve it. as soon as I stepped out it was like the anchor was gone and I realized i was tripping more than I’d felt inside the tent. I felt giggly, machines like cars looked so alien to me, had squiggles in my vision, I was a little ungrounded and my headspace was kind of disoriented. one thing that no other psychedelic has done to me except peyote, is audial distortion. when anyone would talk, including myself, our voices sounded much lower than they really were; everyone’s voice was easily an octave lower. Our voices also took on this strange... quality... where certain notes would create or be heard in another realm almost, so everyones voice has multiple tones (like throat singing almost), as if our voices couldn’t be processed by our ears sometimes to the point where they left the realm of hearing and got turned into a weird warble of vibrational energy or like robot or alien sounds. even tho we could understand the words being said ofc. it’s hard to explain. some tones turned into noises that were completely new/unrecognizable and it was like my ears were processing human voices for the first time. I really feel we were experiencing (as well as we could) how humans sound to the peyote cactus. My baby niece’s voice was particularly musical and would go into the “other realm” of sound a lot more than everyone else’s, which was interesting. I think peyote has an affinity for babies or finds them curious or particularly strange. It’s quite possible that the “other realm” of sound was actually peyote’s realm of hearing and those notes were more familiar and understandable noises to peyote, and therefore more alien/new to our human senses, so maybe it understands/hears babies better than other humans.

anyway!

u mention acid, and I would say, mescaline (or peyote at least) is a lot less stimulating. acid is very hyper to me, and peyote is much more calm. acid also lasts a REALLY long time, and while peyote did for me too (words on my phone were still squiggly hieroglyphics well past noon) it was because I was taking it multiple times over the course of the night and had more tea than paste, and the tea is more visually psychedelic/longer lasting than the paste. taken once, I do believe it would last shorter than acid. what I particularly especially love about peyote/mescaline is there’s no weird crash that acid has where ur done tripping but ur still super wired but ur exhausted at the same time so you feel fried. With peyote i just went from tripping to the trip easing off and I felt physically the same, no drastic energy change or after-effect of “I’m both drained but wired” like acid. I could just go about my day as normal after the trip, and I could fall asleep w no issue.

i used to like acid a lot, I find it very predictable, compared to all plant medicines like cactuses, mushrooms, and ayahuasca, which have their own agendas/vibes. and I’ve had really amazing acid trips. but as I’ve gotten older it’s something that I don’t have the stamina for (14 hours of tripping and inability to sleep after...no thanks). I would rather do mescaline, if I had to choose between the two psychedelics. I think mescaline, while still satisfactorily psychedelic, is gentler and more intuitive and less physically taxing and less mental confusion, and these are things a newbie to psychedelics and a veteran would both appreciate. i think also, if you were to do mescaline, I would recommend also doing a whole plant medicine that has mescaline (meaning, something like peyote or San Pedro or Peruvian torch or Bolivian torch cactus) at another time, or doing one of those before isolated mescaline. i just think whole plant offers things extract doesnt, and extract offers things whole plant doesn’t, so to me experiencing both is important (or at least valuable/worth doing).

#long post #drugs #mescaline #peyote

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butch-reidentified · 2 years

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1/3 Not trying to start anything but the way you talk about mastectomy genuinely doesn’t sit right with me. At the end of the day it’s still a cosmetic surgery and your case where it went on without complications and actually improved your health are in the vast vast minority. It’s a massive risk and no amount of being informed about it could protect people from doctor’s mistakes whose main motivation is getting paid rather than actually caring for their patient’s health.

2/3 Besides, no matter what the reason you might be getting a mast in the current time is (chasing a certain look, removing unpleasant sensations or “gaining an extra level of unfuckable”), the industry as a whole has an agenda. The same doctor who performed your “good” top surgery went on to perform dozens of “bad” ones without second thought. I don’t think this should be financially supported at least not until the whole trans fad blows over.

3/3 Your good personal experience doesn’t erase the fact that the procedure is still incredibly dangerous and the community around it is incredibly predatory, same as it is with all cosmetic surgery. Be as proud of it as you like but your words boil down to “I did it for myself”, they’re as easy to dismiss when said in regards to make-up as they are in regards to mastectomy. (I hope I didn’t come off as too aggressive, this is a very sensitive topic for me. Take care)

Hey! No need to add the disclaimer, I totally understand and agree with you. My post is for radblr only; it should never reach anyone who would be vulnerable. My intention was to share my experience for other detrans women who might feel the same, as I've noticed a number of us feel like we're expected to feel - or at least express - shame and regret about it. I completely agree with you on most of this, but I get the feeling you're assuming that what I wrote here for radblr is something I'd say in other spaces, which is not usually the case. I wouldn't & don't encourage getting this surgery, but I will take a harm reduction approach and try to encourage those considering it to go through the steps I went through first (honestly I think most who did all of that would likely not proceed afterward). Nothing about this post is to encourage anything or to say I'm proud of it. I'm just not ashamed of it and won't pretend to be, which in some rf spaces has felt expected of me.

The one thing I do take issue with is comparing it to makeup. I just find that to be a false equivalence in multiple ways. Obviously surgery is permanent whereas makeup can be stopped at any time. But also, we are pressured to wear makeup from early childhood by everyone on all sides, where transition is pushed by a specific group, onto some girls/women, usually as teenagers. Even then, with how strong the "you don't need to transition to be valid" rhetoric has gotten, I don't think the pressure is comparable to makeup, though I haven't been near those spaces in a few years so things may be different now, idk.

My point wasn't "I did this for myself," but rather more complex than that: "It's not realistic to try to get rid of this surgery entirely, but harm reduction can help, and the potential causes of sex dysphoria may include more than many people realize." In my case, there were a couple of medical elements (cysts, neurological disorder) which likely contributed to the positive impact it had for me. I believe the neurological issues to be at the root of my dysphoria, or at least a major contributor, given my experiences described in that post.

These are possible areas for study moving forward, things that could help us understand intractable sex dysphoria and ultimately protect young people from a predatory industry by tightening up diagnostic criteria drastically.

#mine #ask #i literally just woke up #hope this is coherent lmao

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blackfemmecharacterdependency · 3 months

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Character Evolution in Secrets of Sulfur Springs

This is about casting and physical attributes, not about development. This is about a show I truly love, and not one that I hate. These are all observations and thought processing about the casting of the Tremont/Dunn family in the series.

Daisy: Kyliegh Curran | Ashley B. Jones

So! Our girlie Kyliegh played her great grandmother (or great great grandmother? - I forget, Daisy, as a kid) And, I was like, "Well... it's not perfect.

You can't tell how much darker this woman is than Kylie in her photos, but on the show, she looked a tinge too dark for me to fully invest in the idea that she was well cast, but I rationalized that maybe she was inside more as a kid and then you know, was just lightskint like a light skinned biracial because of that when she was young. (I have met people whose parents tried keeping them inside on sunny days so they wouldn't get too dark), which is wild and off topic, because I don't think that would happen with Daisy, but saying IF she was simply inside a lot more as a kid, she could be that much lighter than the child actress vs the adult actress.

Harper's mama is biracial, I think. I feel like the kid that played her mom is, though Idk if the lady is or not. I do know that Kylie's character is supposed to be fully Black, even though the actress is not, irl. And her ancestor, Daisy, who she played had two pretty unambiguously Black parents and her and her little brother came out light skinned. Him, looking like his mama, her looking like the milkman's child..

Grace (Daisy's Mom): Kenneisha Thompson

Now... this happens sometimes in real life. But like I've said before - it don't happen nearly as much irl as it do on TV. So, Kyliegh as that woman - meh. Not a great casting choice, if not a bad one.

I understand they needed them to be identical to make the plot work, but I don't understand why everybody in the family is clearly Black then come her, actually biracial, and then here she come again a couple generations later, as Harper. Lol.

Her mama though Jess Dunn: Izabela Rose | Diandra Lyle

They did better in skin tone, but I would love sometimes for productions, especially big money bitches to try to do some side by sides every now and then and be like, "Are we sure this is the right choice?" or acknowledge some of the wild changes.

Where is a wide nosed sista to play this mama? Did she get a nose job at some point? We just supposed to imagine her nose was always that dainty? It has nothing to do with the plot, but Idk how I would overlook that you have such a drastically different nose in your adult like than you did as a kid. Her grandmother had a wide nose (scroll up) and she had one as a kid, then it just... went small when she grew up?

I am a big nosed bitch... and my nose was SMALLER as a child, because I was smaller. I actually was quite aware of Izabela's nose when she was Young Jess because we were going back and forth in time, from her nose to Diandra's nose. BEAUTIFUL WOMAN! They are both so lovely. They just do not look like people who grew up to be that person! Ma'am you didn't contour away all that nose. (I love both these actresses).

The fact that I dwell on this casting has nothing to do with their performances and everything to do with how badly I want casting to try to get people who actually look alike when they are playing the same character, unless for some reason within the story, they somehow look different. This Is Us only magnified my fixation on this subject. Most of them people looked just like them kids.

This is the man who plays Harper's daddy, FYI:

But like we said, we rationalizing that Mama Dunn is biracial, or at the very least so lightskinned that a biracial girl could be her daughter, especially since her negro nose with Jackson 5 nostrils turned into one of them Vogue magazine joints in her adult life.

Now this one... Baby...

It's just absurd. This is where we gotta draw the line, throw in the towel, stop rationalizing that there is a phenotype at play skipping generations or whatever else we could do with our earlier casting choices.

This photo is lighter than the woman is and you can still see that this is a whole nother human that would not in this universe that we currently know of, under any circumstances according to our knowledge of science, would this beautiful biracial baby girl grow up to be this absolutely unambigously Black, dark skinned woman!! She just wouldn't!

Two very lovely people who acted they asses off and earned them Disney paychecks and Disney better had paid them what they was worth. Because they both said that they was gon' out act whoever in this scene when Ruby got onscreen.

Whoever did this casting said, "F**k it, Girl. Call who we know," because ain't no way, Chile. Ain't no way y'all was putting no kinda thought or planning into this woman growing up from that girl. When she said she was Ruby, I said, "RUBY WHOOOOOO?"

Ruby: Jaidyn Triplett | Joyce Guy

I won't go into any further tangent about how the darkest ones cast in the family were the ones we didn't see much of, or in Ruby's case, the literal Magical Negro that had to save the day........................

I truly enjoy the show. It's a fave. But, yes. It has it's issues and I have mine and now that they are out of my head, because as a wise friend once said, "Misery loves an audience" (Shoutout to Noah, a Queen of Quotes) - I can now live in peace. Yes, and continue watching this, even though they have this problem in casting.

Sometimes, people think that colorblind casting only applies to when you just cast anybody for any role, willy-nilly, but this is an offset of colorblind casting, as well. Colorism casting, maybe. Where any Black person will do, despite looking nothing like the same character that they're supposed to be portraying. Or where certain skin tone versions of that character has more screen time. Sometimes, this is done through photos or short flashbacks...

But this show had these people onscreen talking and had us getting to know them and then colorblind casted them in different eras of their life. And perhaps I only notice it in Black people, because I don't have any type of face blindness when it comes to us. If that is the issue they're having, maybe they need people who can tell the difference between Black people and their skin tones and facial features to handle that aspect of a job.

That's all I have for now. Do watch the show, though. If you can handle fw with Disney. I mean, it's out there free, but I know some people are even not for that and I commend you. I be watching some of they stuff for free still, and this lil' rant? Ramble. This lil' ramble has been sitting in my lil' brain for a time.

Idk what it is called or if there is a name for it. Whenever they do the colorblind casting or the colorism casting within the same character. It feels like it needs it's own word. It's different from when they simply change the character from one medium to the next, to be within the same universe and have a person that simply does not share that character's physical characteristics, even though they're the same character.

End ramble.

Wait. Last note: This is a Black and Black biracial people's post. Anybody else who pass through, don't get cute. I'll blast you right to the block.

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