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scribbly-dee · 3 years

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Inspired by this post

I adore corruption arcs, so I graded how well the non-archivist characters would have damned humanity if they had been the archivist.

Sasha James 11/10, would be an ideal archivist, this plus her height is probably why the stranger monster targeted her before she could peak

I have a soft spot for any au that knows Sasha has never seen a brain cell in her life and that any unhinged!Sasha au is really just a regular Sasha au. Picture it with me. Sasha and Jon have parallel archivist tracks, until Sasha (my beloved show off) decides: you know what would make me more efficient at snooping? Becoming a Human Google. And things accelerate. The Web doesn't even need to bother with subtly magic lighters, it slaps all 14 marks on her at once by pulling up next to Sasha in a windowless van with "free secrets 👍" written on the side.

After the Unknowing, Sasha takes over the institute from Elias instead of Martin and Peter. With Tim dead, Jon in a coma, Martin lonely-snatched, Melanie compulsively homicidal, Daisy in the coffin, and Basira on autopilot, she quickly bonds with Rosie, the ultimate nosiness enabler. Sasha is a fully marked archivist for a good long while, but doesn't start the apocalypse right away because she's eager to read ALL the ominous notes Elias left, so the watcher's crown statement is in her to-be-read pile. When the apocalypse starts (Rosie: "Hey, Sasha, I just read something extra fucked up that Elias wrote, wanna see?" Sasha: "God yes."), she books it to become the pupil with Rosie as her anchor. Mayhapse an anchor-archivist polycule with Archivist Jon and Martin? Mayhapse Jon is just a normal eye avatar here and deeply invested in all of Sasha's eyepocalypse statements, so it's Sasha and her plus-three? Mayhapse it's a race across the eyepocalypse wasteland between Archivist Sasha and Archivist Jon to usurp Jonah and become the pupil?

Tim Stoker 2/10 dude's here for a good time, not a long time

The only way I see this working is if Elias disguises not-stranger clues as circus related so Tim is motivated to investigate. Otherwise, his archival assistants are way more curious than him and disobey his direct orders to 🍹chill🏝. Jon, Sasha, and Martin inadvertently bring marks home to him like cats bring home dead birds. He asserts his agency when he decides the best course of action? Actually? Just blow up the archives. This unfortunately puts him in a false sense of security, and Elias makes him read the watcher's crown statement by cat fishing him on grindr and sending the ritual as a dm mid conversation.

Daisy Tonner - 9/10 archivist, would have started doomsday before she was at the archivist job long enough to use her PTO

Daisy already had a lot of experience hunting down fear-entity-related people in sectioned cases, which means she possibly canonically already has all the marks from just hunting avatars who use their powers in self defense. The reason she lost one point is because she's too much of a jock to read, only nerds are culpable to watcher crown statements, so this would be the only delay but oh what a delay it will be.

Melanie King - 7/10 archivist, points awarded for achieving her breakthroughs by smashing her head against a wall until she literally breaks through, points deducted for doing so in full clown makeup.

If Jon got a handful of marks by just asking anoying questions in the same room as an avatar, imagine how much faster Melanie would get marks by bringing her trademark Chaotic Brat personality on fear entity investigations. The apocalypse would have started in like two seasons: one season to hire her off the streets and establish shakey, complex relationships with her new assistants (Jon and Sasha put in the time with the institute but were passed over on this promotion for some random YouTuber (plus they're tighter with Tim and Martin, so proletarian solidarity against the boss)).

Then a second season to stab every mark and get stabbed in return. Melanie would blitz through all 14 marks because what precious little impulse control she starts with is slowly replaced with slaughter juice. One fun moral ambiguity to explore could be if Melanie tries to use her new, dangerous Eye/Slaughter powers to revive her reputation and platform in the supernatural community now that she can, ya know, identify supernatural things for the first time ever. Does she acknowledge her entire career up to her hospital episode apparently only investigated fake sightings? A better question to ask is whether Basira, Tim, and Jon ever let her live down how Ghost Hunt UK's professional dignity was contingent on the legitimacy of her sCiEnTiFiC gHoSt eQuIpMeNt in those episodes, so the temperature spikes set to dramatic music were well and truly just temperature spikes and dramatic music. Sasha found a clip of that music playing as Melanie narrates "it's a message... from the other side..." and made it as her text tone.

Also, it would be hilarious if Melanie tried to kill Jonah on sight in the panopticon, once again botched assassination attempt number 1,963,538, and then Jon quietly snuck in to finish the job on his first try just like in canon.

Jon: "What, like it's hard?"

Basira Hussain 3/10 archivist, her eye alignment manifests as office gossip, like a normal person

Basira has the most formidable super power of all: the power to nope tf out of any conversation or plan she wants. She therefore would probably take 10x longer to start the apocalypse than any other archivist because her fatal flaw is refusal to directly engage with a lot of personally difficult things (like the slaughter bullet surgery she organized, Daisy In General, etc). The marks will be slow going if she resists putting her safety on the line or invests time in making good plans (which is smart, but unhelpful for dooming humanity). She would for sure still get marked and end the world because once she's convinced of a plan (aka Elias convinces her of a plan), she's ruthlessly efficient. So I'd stay out of her way that last year or two, she marks the entities right back at them.

Martin Blackwood 2/10 archivist, considering a prerequisite for creepy eye avatar staring is the ability to make eye contact.

S1 Archivist Martin would probably dote too much on the employees under him to be hugely susceptible to Elias' isolation-dependant manipulation. Any progress Martin inadvertently achieves toward the watcher's crown goal would have to be contingent on it helping his loved ones, which is perfect fuel for a "corrupted by good intentions" arc. This would be key because Martin has superb bullshit and manipulation detection, making the marks are tricky but not impossible to orchistrate considering Jon can't stay put in a safe corner for 10 minutes and Martin's mother would refuse to stay with him where she's safe from avatar threats.

Imagine the petty drama when Jon and Sasha learn he got the promotion they wanted because he lied on his CV.

Other than that, Martin would be even worse about pit stops on the apocalypse road trip than Jon because his Kill Bill mode would have no off switch. Does Archivist!Martin and his anchor Jon ever reach the panopticon? Eventually, but not until after they lose points for significantly reducing the apocalypse fear quantity. Would Annabelle survive to deliver her cryptic MaCHiNAtIoNs and achieve the Web's goal? Hard No, additional point reduction for neutralizing the multiverse invasion. Points potentially earned back if Martin's Web connection is strong enough to come up with the multiverse invasion plan on his own, though.

Georgie Barker 4/10, as a fearless coward, all the fear she feeds to the entities would be khaki flavored. They'd get their apocalypse, but they probably wouldn't enjoy the meal.

Similar to Basira, Georgie has the super power to Fuck This Shit I'm Out. She would overall be a subpar humanity damning archivist; a major archivist success factor of Jon's is that he has enough affective empathy to be afraid with every statement giver he reads, so when Jon archives a statement, he unintentionally contributes to the fear soup seasoning. Combined with how Georgie doesn't want anything to do with entity drama, so any corruption specific to the watcher's crown would stagnate. Even her casual exposition conversations would go like

Georgie: "I've connected no dots."

Melanie: "you've connected a lot of dots??"

Georgie: "I've connected shit all dots."

The reason she gets one more point than Basira is because Georgie's fatal flaw is the passive observer quality the Eye tried to stoke in Jon. Her level of engagement oscillates between two extremes, impulsive over commitment and judging from a distance. This would probably lead her to geting involved just long enough for her involvement to become irreversible, at which point she would try to cut that shit out of her life after it's trapped her. She'd linger, barricading herself on the margins of this problem as the marks that are targeted at her slowly tally up until boom. Apocalypse is on and she only half understands what's happening.

Georgie would wander around an apocalypse hellscape confused, but vibes and physical health fully intact. Anchor!Melanie would have quite the emotional journey starting with Georgie on that pedestal Melanie placed her, and ending with a slaughter avatar stabbing the person who convinced her to work on her slaughter inclination.

#the magnus archives #tma #jonathan sims #jon sims #martin blackwood #basira hussain #daisy tonner #melanie king #Georgie Barker #Tim Stoker #sasha james

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wackassanime · 3 years

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the similarities between ash lynx and river phoenix

i know akimi yoshida based ash on river a couple volumes into the manga but therers a ridiculous amount of similarities that id love to dive into. some are lose and some are super strong i just know way too fucking much about river phoenix and when i saw bf i lost my mind.

TW sexual assualt and rape, CSA, drug use, banana fish spoilers.

going chronologically through rivers life

river was born august 23rd, 1970

ash was born august 11th, 1969 (maybe... the first volume of the manga was released ‘86 and if ash was 17 then he wouldve been born in ‘69).

river grew up in a cult called the children of god. the cult had rampant sexual abuse present and river reported he was 4 the first time he had sex.

ash was 6 when his abuse started.

river later committed to celibacy due to this until he was 14 because of the abuse.

akimi said ash would be asexual due to his abuse if he had lived.

after the phoenixs escaped the cult, river along with his siblings preformed music on the streets to make money. they were living in poverty until river was first casted in seven brides for seven brothers when he was 12.

ash was forced to ‘preform’ while living on the streets/with marvin and others, until dino came around when ash was 11 (i think this is the right age? im a little tired).

river’s father had alcohol problems and this led to river having to be the bread winner and become self sufficient.

jim, ash’s father, is a piece of shit that led to ash having to become self sufficient as well as literally forcing him to become a type of bread winner by having ash collect money from the baseball coach.

river never attended school.

ash dropped out when he ran away when was in the (4th grade?).

river eventually starred in stand by me. the movie prophecizes the fates of each of the actors, (but thats a whole different can of worms, look it up tho!). river played chris who comes from a bad family so everyone assumed he was bad.

a dead body begins both stand by me and bf and both rivers character and ash are stabbed at the end due to an alrercation they didnt want to be involved in. yoshida also drew ash as chris

ash is also drawn as danny from running on empty

river then starred in the mosquito coast with harrison ford and also later goes on to play young ford in indiana jones and the last crusade.

yoshida based max lobo off of harrison ford. also yoshida drew ash as charlie (rivers character in the mosquito coast) (the link for the image is the same one from above). yoshida also drew ash as indiana jones

yoshida also drew ash as rivers character from little nikita

later river was in my own private idaho. boy where do i start with this one. river plays mike a gay hustler who is the product of sexual abuse. mike has narcolepsy and so after passing out at one point he asks scott, keanu reeve’s character, how much money he made off him while he was out. mike is expecting to have been raped while asleep.

ash is also a gay hustler. both grew up surrounded by sexual abuse and later grew to expect it.

mike is only close with scott and doesn’t really care about any of the other hustlers and homeless people they stay with.

ash really only cares about eiji, especially later on as lao points out (before some big gang fight against fox im trying to remember its literally 5:30am).

mike confesses his love to scott saying “i love you and you dont pay me”. this is during the infamous campfire scene that river wrote himself during production.

this scene is reminiscent of the stay by my side bedroom scene between ash and eiji. except bf gets the happy version :)

scott is someone who can leave at any time because he comes from a normal, respectable family.

eiji can leave at any time to go back to japan but refuses to because he cares about ash. (scott is just rebelling against his dad by hustling, which is wild but ok)

mike’s narcolepsy attacks are triggered by memories of his mother and leads to him dreaming about her and going to find her with scott. she abandoned him as a child.

ash’s mother also abandoned him and he dreams about her and calls out to her in his nightmares.

before the filming began, both river and keanu started hanging out on the streets with hustlers in Portland to research their roles

bf begins by eiji coming to america with ibe to research gang/street kid life

yoshida drew one of the promotional pictures of river and keanu, the blowjob scene (just ash from shoulders up), ash passed out from narcolepsy and eiji dragging him everywhere, the campfire scene, and when mike and scott are shirtless in bed together as ash and eiji.

river was in the movie sneakers were he is a genius hacker

ash is also a great hacker, allowing him to steal a ton of dino’s money.

river died october 31st, 1993 of a drug overdose.

the 17th volume was released october 26th, 1993 (2nd to last). the final volume was released later the following year.

In an interview about bf yoshida said, ‘she had made up her mind for him to die from the very beginning itself. she did get conflicted about going through with it as the series was approaching its end, but the reason for that was river phoenix’s death.’

interview cont. fujimoto: and the fact that it was because of a drug overdose… it must have felt like too much of a coincidence. yoshida: that’s true. […] fujimoto: but there are many ways of dying, did you originally plan for him to die that way too?yoshida: yeah it was pretty much like that.

after river died it left a huge impact amongst hollywood. his brother joaquin phoenix stopped doing any acting work until 1995.

in an interview joaquin says, “I feel like in virtually every movie that I made, there was a connection to River in some way”.

another interview says, “But he was also deeply influenced by his brother, and by his death, even if he remains reluctant to draw a straight line between his unusual background and his private tragedy and his talent for inhabiting the morose, damaged, violent, and otherwise anxiety-riddled characters he takes on—roles he seems vividly made for.”

after ash died max writes in his letter, “The photos of Eiji Okumura are said to be sad, nostalgic, and have a unique feeling to them. But I know what it is. It’s you Ash.”

REEVES: I really would like to do Shakespeare with River. I think we'd have a hoot. We could do A Midsummer Night's Dream or Romeo and Juliet. PHOENIX: I'll be Juliet.

"I don’t have any friends in the business. Just River. Oh where, oh where has my Juliet gone?" - Keanu Reeves (post rivers death)

Define 'Best Friend'. RIVER: Someone you can tell all your secrets to. For me it’s a guy you enjoy being with, a guy you love and a guy you care about. Keanu is my buddy, dude. KEANU: I've always loved you, River. River is my best friend and I don't have many of them. RIVER: That's really sweet, Keany.

"Keanu and River were kind of soulmates, they had known each other for a few years… but they were." - Gus Van Sant (director of My Own Private Idaho)

in garden of light, akira: “did okumura-san love this ash person?”. sing: “yes, he did. very much”.

gol, akira: “was this ash person okumura-san’s uh... well, lover?” sing: “he was more than that. which doesn’t mean their relationship was sexual, because it wasn’t. but they did love each other... maybe the way lovers do. they connected to each other, soul to soul.”

alright folks thats it, there may be more but im tired and need to go to sleep. i included links to all the ash artwork but if you want links to any of the river interviews/info sources let me know! i dont even care if this doesnt get any traction cause it was cathartic to outline all the jumbled trivia in my head.

UPDATE: fixed the formatting online so now its probably messed up on mobil :))) also i added a keep reading thing cause it was a bitch to scroll past

#banana fish #ash lynx #river phoenix #my own private idaho #akimi yoshida #eiji okumura #long post #keanu reeves #joaquin phoenix #god im so fucking tired #mopi #z

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thesassenachswiftie · 3 years

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Lover - Chapter 13: “Soon You’ll Get Better”

Read on AO3

Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6 // Chapter 7 // Chapter 8 // Chapter 9 // Chapter 10 // Chapter 11 // Chapter 12

Summary: Claire and Jo go Christmas shopping; Claire gets a call at work that Lamb’s in the hospital in Boston where she fears she will need to spend the holidays without Jamie. In short: angst, but make it festive.

" This won't go back to normal, if it ever was It's been years of hoping, and I keep saying it because 'Cause I have to

Ooh-ah, you'll get better..."

CW: cancer, hospitals, illness of a loved one,

Notes: First of all, if you’re still here, thank you for reading, and thank you for bearing with me as I took a small hiatus. Hopefully I will be getting back to a more regular posting schedule, but work is really draining right now and it’s hard to find enough hours in the day to do everything.

As you know, each Chapter of this fic is based off a Taylor Swift song by the same name. This one was particularly difficult to write/approach because I actually haven’t listened to this song in over a year. In early Summer 2019, a tumor was found on my grandfather’s brain. This was also the summer I discovered Outlander, and the summer Taylor Swift released Lover. The day after Lover came out, I broke down sobbing in my apartment listening to this song and thinking about my grandfather, knowing his condition was worsening. That night, I recieved the call that my grandfather had passed. He was the kindest, purest soul and I write this chapter in part as a tribute to him. Many of the experiences Claire and Lamb share are based on my own experiences with my grandpa that summer, and this version of Lamb is very much based on my Grandpa Jim.

That being said, you may want to grab a box of tissues before reading, but hopefully not all your tears will be sad. I’m hoping to post again before Chistmas, but in case I don’t Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays--and Happy Hanukkah to any Jewish readers I may have--here is a Hanukkah present for you!

Chapter 13: “Soon You’ll Get Better”

“All I want for Christmas is yooouuuuu” the sounds of Mariah Carey rang out throughout the small boutique gift shop in the heart of the village of Northport.

“Good God, we’re only a week into December and I swear I’ve already heard this song three hundred times. I’m not exaggerating either. Two hundred and eight-four at the very least.” Jo scoffed exasperatedly.

“Are you complaining?” Claire asked in reply. “It’s a great song--a classic really.”

“Do you know how many incredible, amazing, beautiful, jolly Christmas songs there are in existence?” Jo was gearing up for one of their famous rants, “Yet, the radio stations only ever play the same eighteen songs, I swear!”

“It must be more than eighteen.”

“Fine. Twenty. Take this song for instance: Ingrid Michaelson has the most hauntingly beautiful cover of it--do you ever hear it? No! You only ever hear Mariah!”

“I, for one, like Mariah!” Claire interjected, playfully defensive.

“Who doesn’t? But she’s not the only powerhouse female vocalist out there! I’d just like to see a little diversity in my holiday music, is that so much to ask?”

Claire giggled. Her best friend always had an opinion on everything and she loved them all the more for it. “Do you think Jenny would like this candle?” Claire unscrewed the lid a locally-made jar candle, taking a sniff before placing it under Jo’s nose. It smelled like Lavender and Sage with just a hint of Eucalyptus.

“Does Jenny keep a lot of candles around, with all those children?” Jo chuckled back. “It does smell nice though.” Jo had only met Jenny a couple times when visiting Claire, but they had a knack for reading people and Claire was glad to have them along as a shopping partner.

“I suppose candles aren’t really her thing. Jenny seems very practical, but I don’t know what she would need that she doesn’t already have, and Jamie’s been no help!”

“I think you’re on the right track with the self-care/relaxation vibe, but maybe not something the children can use to burn the house down. What about an artisanal lotion set?” Jo inquired, gesturing at a nearby display.

“Oh that might work!” Claire took a squirt from the bottle labeled ‘tester’ inhaling deeply as she rubbed it between her palms. “Ooo that’s nice, I would appreciate this if I were a hardworking mother.”

“If things keep going the way they are with your man, LJ, you might just be before you know it” Jo made a lewd gesture with their hands, raising their eyebrows to make it clear exactly what they were implying.

“Jo! You’re terrible” Claire shrieked, smacking her friend playfully on the arm. Besides, not much of that happening these days if you haven’t noticed, Jamie is literally across the ocean.”

“Well, at least you can’t get knocked up from phone sex,” Jo replied. “What are you getting him anyway? I’m thinking something lacy and strappy, with little bows on it of course, to be festive. There’s a place down the street that might have something like that.”

“Hmm” Claire exhaled. “We’ll see.” Claire knew lingerie was definitely going to be part of Jamie’s Christmas gift, one she would be most excited for him to unwrap. God, she missed him. It had been over a month and they were settling into a routine, video chatting every night, sweet texts back and forth throughout the day, the occasional phone sex when they were both sick with desire for one other--but nothing was the same as the feel of their bodies pressed against each other in the heat of the moment, chasing each other’s climax. Claire couldn’t wait to be reunited with him in every way.

It was two days before Christmas break, only a few days left until Claire would find freedom for the next ten days and, most of all--the comfort of Jamie’s arms. Claire was sitting in her school nurse’s office, inhaling deeply during the first quiet moments she’d had all week. There was an uptick of student visits in the past couple weeks--a few were legitimate concerns tied to cold and flu season: students whose parents sent them to school when they weren’t quite well enough, overachievers who wanted to maintain their perfect attendance dragging themselves to school despite their bodies protestations. Most of her patients however, were suffering from something much more insidious: the eagerness to start their winter break early by skipping their classes. This time of year the air of the school felt different, students and teachers alike were burnt out, apathetic, and ready for a break. This attitude in the students fed into the teachers’ attitudes--overworked with the end of the marking period, trying to squeeze in Christmas shopping and decorating between grading. Claire did not envy Jo nor any of the other teachers during this time, but their exhaustion was so palpable in the air of the school that she was starting to feel it too. By tomorrow, most teachers would be shutting their doors and playing a holiday film, giving up on instruction all together--hopefully that would make for a quiet day for Claire. Really, if she could just get through the rest of the day it would be smooth sailing until Christmas--until Jamie.

Her silent musings were broken by the blaring sound of her office phone. She was expecting a teacher, calling to send a student down, but instead it was the school clerk, Glenda. “Hi Nurse Beauchamp, we have an outside call for you, it seems like it may be a personal call so if there’s any students with you we can send someone down to watch them if you’d like to take it privately here in the office.”

Claire's heart sank to her stomach. What could it be? She took a deep breath and swallowed to brace herself before replying “last student just left.”

“Alright, I’ll transfer you now.” The click of the call transferring sounded through the phone.

“Hello, this is Miss Beauchamp”

“Hello Miss Beauchamp, I’m Tammy, a nurse at Mass General we’re calling because you’re listed as the emergency contact for Quentin Beauchamp” a nasally voice croaked through the phone speaker--the voice was impersonal like that of a cashier saying “have a nice day” for the thousandth time, not fitting of a potential harbinger of death.

“Yes…” Claire replied, nervously, questioningly.

“Mr. Lambert was admitted this morning after showing signs of cognitive distress. An initial cat scan shows a mass on his brain. He’s currently undergoing testing to see if it’s cancerous.”

Claire’s lungs felt like they were about to collapse. Lamb had been diagnosed with prostate cancer several years ago, but had been able to live with it through treatment. Claire also knew that cancer was insidious and could spread throughout the body rapidly and without warning. She knew it was very likely that the mass was cancer. She tried to find her medical professional voice, but a diagnosis was different when it was someone you loved. Instead, she croaked out, “when will you know?”

“We should have the results by tomorrow. He’ll stay here overnight for monitoring and we’ll decide whether to admit him long term from there.”

“I’m on Long Island, should I drive up?”

“I’m afraid it’s too soon to tell, it could be nothing, but--” Claire cut her off, knowing exactly how bad it could be.

“I understand. I’ll drive up this evening.”

“Alright, he should be back in his room by then, he’s out getting his tests done now. It’s room 713 when you get here.” Claire wrote the number on a bright blue sticky note on her desk as the nurse spoke. “Have a nice day Ms. Beauchamp”

“Hmm” was all she could reply, as if she could possibly have a nice day. She hung up the phone, and finally let the deluge of tears she’d been holding back free.

She allowed herself to cry for a few minutes to get it out, but she knew she had to get to Boston as soon as possible. She picked up the phone again and dialed the main office.

“Hi Glenda, it’s Claire. I need to take the rest of the day off--I have to go to Boston, my uncle…” she couldn’t say it out loud for fear of unleashing the tears again “Is Principal Gowan there, I need to let him know.”

“Oh Nurse Beauchamp, I’m so sorry to hear that, let me know if you need anything. Mr. Gowan’s in his office, I’ll transfer you to him now, if he doesn’t answer just pack up your things and go, I’ll take care of it”

“Thanks Glenda, I really appreciate it”

----------

After getting the ok from her kind and understanding principal, Claire rushed back to Jamie’s apartment, hastily packed a bag (likely forgetting several things), informed Jenny where she was going--which was met with sympathy and genuine concern--and hopped back in the car for the journey to Boston. She entered the hospital doors several hours later, the buttons of her coat were tangled in her hair as she rushed, breathless, to the front desk to receive her visitor’s pass.

When she arrived at Lamb’s room, he was asleep. She didn’t want to wake him, but she gave his hand a reassuring squeeze to let him know she was there before settling into the armchair beside him to await his awakening. He looked so frail and small in the hospital bed, not at all like the strong, spirited man who had raised her. He had left the television on--some sports channel was playing a highlight reel of various golfing moments. No wonder Lamb fell asleep. Claire was staring at the screen, but her thoughts were elsewhere: worried about Lamb, wondering if she’d remember everything when she hastily packed, wondering what the future held. Would she have to spend Christmas in this hospital room? A golf ball soared across the Scottish Highlands on the screen. Jamie. Jamie was coming home Christmas Eve, she was supposed to pick him up from the airport, supposed to spend her holiday break with him, experience her first Hogmanay with the Murray family, be surrounded by love and laughter and family. Lamb was supposed to be fine, he was supposed to take the train down, spend Christmas with them. Every plan they had made was shattered into a million pieces. Would she even be able to see Jamie? She thought about the presents she’d bought for him, not yet wrapped, piled in the closet but definitely not hidden, especially considering it was his apartment. Of course he’d understand--she could tell him where they were, but the magic of unwrapping would be lost, it would feel entirely unsentimental. It was bad enough that she felt her gifts weren’t sentimental enough--what could she possibly get him to show how special he was to her? How could she communicate that with an object? If she were a painter she would paint him a painting, if she were a songwriter she would write him a song, but she was simply Claire, and practical gifts were all she knew. She had purchased a cozy blue sweater to match his eyes and keep him warm in the brisk London winters, a cool multi-tool the size of a credit card that would fit in his wallet and help him solve a variety of problems, a protective case for his phone, and a box of artisanal beef jerky. She had also procured a complicated piece of lingerie with a big red bow across the chest for him to unwrap the night of Christmas, which she knew he would enjoy. Everything was thoughtful enough and mostly practical, but she longed to be able to give him something truly special--a grand gesture to match her feelings for him. Claire glanced back at her uncle and immediately felt guilty being so selfish. I hate to make this all about me. Lamb always had a knack for helping her realize what was important when life’s situations overwhelmed her. She needed him for perspective, but how could she talk to him about this? How could she tell him how she felt? She knew it was wrong, but she was mad at him for getting sick so close to Christmas. Who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to do if there’s no you? The tears were welling up in her eyes as she watched her most beloved uncle sleep--hooked up to machines, pale and listless in the hospital bed.

Claire slipped into the adjoining bathroom to try to compose herself--she didn’t want her uncle to wake up and see her upset, she knew he would try to comfort her, to be the rock he always had been for her. She was here to be his rock this time, she needed to stay strong for him. She looked at herself in the mirror, telling herself it was going to be ok--her uncle was strong and he’d been fighting a long time--he’d continue to fight. Soon you’ll get better. She had to convince herself it was true, pretend it wasn’t real, it wasn’t so bad. She knew it was a delusion, she could see it all over her glass face when she looked in the mirror. She was genuinely afraid that this could be when she lost him, if not physically right away, he could be lost mentally. She’d been hoping for years he would get better, but now it seemed he’d taken a turn for the worse. She took a few deep breaths and offered up a prayer. She wasn’t usually religious, but they say desperate people find faith, so she decided it was time to try. God? Jesus? Whoever is up there. I know I don’t much deserve anything from you, I’m not sure I’m exactly on good terms with you, but I’m inclined to believe you care and you are good. Besides, I’m not really asking anything for myself, not really. I just pray my Uncle is ok, I pray he gets better. He has to. Please don’t take his brilliant mind away from him. Please let him be ok. Please, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever it takes to help him. Just please, please, don’t take him away from me. I need him. Please let him get better. Please let him get better. Claire continued to repeat the words like a mantra as she returned to her bedside chair. She stared at the collection of orange bottles on the tray table. Please let them help him get better. Please let him get better. Please, please, please let him get better.

Claire had no idea how long she sat there, repeating those words to herself, but her silent appeal was interrupted when a nurse entered the room to check her uncle’s vitals.

“Hi, I’m Brenda, I’ll be the nurse on duty tonight.” Brenda erased a name on a small whiteboard in front of the room and replaced it with her own.

“I’m Claire, I’m his niece.”

Brenda had made her way over to the other side of the bed and was checking the monitors beside the bed, making notes on the chart in her hand. “I hate waking them up, but I’m going to have to.” Claire was glad that she was much kinder than the nurse she had spoken with on the phone earlier—had that really been earlier? It seemed much longer since that phone call. “Excuse me, Quentin? Sir?” Brenda gently nudged his arm to awaken him. Lamb’s eyes fluttered open and he looked disoriented, Claire watched him carefully hoping that his disorientation was solely from being awoken mid-sleep and not from any neurological damage.

“Hi Uncle Lamb” Claire stammered, hoping she sounded cheerful anyway.

“Claire! My girl! You came all the way to see your old uncle!”

“Of course I did! How are you?” she replied warmly.

“Oh, I’m fine, they’re taking good care of me here.” Lamb’s voice sounded genuinely content and Claire felt comforted for the first time since the hospital had called her earlier that day.

“Hello sir, my name’s Brenda, I’ll be your nurse tonight. I just need to ask you a few questions and check your vitals.”

“What is your name?”

“Quentin Lambert Beauchamp”

“Good. When is your birthday?

“March 23th, 1939”

“Good, and who is the president?”

“Well, unfortunately…” both Claire and Brenda giggled at how Lamb began his sentence. Claire was well aware of Lamb’s opinions of the current president of the United States, and was glad to see he hadn’t lost his sly sense of humor or his disdain for the man. She was also glad he knew who the president was, hopefully his mental capacities were more promising than the worst-case-scenario her mind was conjuring.

----------

Claire stayed by her uncle’s side for the rest of the night, only leaving the room twice, once to find something to eat from a vending machine, and once for her nightly call to Jamie. She allowed herself to break down when talking to Jamie, sobbing over the phone. Jamie did his best to comfort her through the speaker, desperately wishing he could be there for her in person. Claire wished the same, longing to curl up in his strong embrace, and bury her swollen face in his chest. She couldn’t bring up the fact that she might have to spend Christmas in Boston. She was enough of a mess without facing the reality that they wouldn’t see each other, and when Jamie promised they’d see each other soon at the end of their call, Claire hung up quickly as another wave of emotion overtook her and she buried her face in her hands to cry some more.

The next morning, the doctor came in with Lamb’s results. Claire grasped Lamb’s hand, unsure of who was holding onto whom for comfort as the doctor explained that the mass on Lamb’s brain was in fact cancerous, but it was still relatively small and had been caught early. He explained that they could operate on it and remove it, however there was no guarantee that it wouldn’t come back or that they’d be able to get it all out. It was moments like these where Claire desperately wished she was already a surgeon, that she could feel in control of the outcome--though could she operate on her own uncle? Would she be able to hold her hand steady enough to do a good job? No, perhaps it was best left to the veteran surgeons in Boston.

After discussing all the details and options with the doctor’s, Lamb decided to go through with the surgery. It was scheduled for the day after Christmas and Claire resigned herself to the sobering fact that she’d be spending the holidays in the hospital. As the florescent hospital lights lit the room with an unnatural glow, Claire couldn’t tell him she was scared. She had to stay strong, she had to keep it together and remain positive and supportive.

----------

Claire spent the next few days devoted to her uncle, rarely leaving his bedside. Lamb had forced her to spend the nights at his apartment, which was probably for the best. She wasn’t sleeping well to begin with and the recliner at the hospital was only making matters worse. Claire was present and doting on him from morning to night though, helping her uncle order his meals, assisting him when he needed to use the restroom, adding and removing pillows and blankets as needed, or anything else he needed or wanted. Lamb had been moved to the cancer floor, and the window of his new room had a nice view of the Boston skyline. Lamb was making the best of a bad deal, he bragged about his ‘luxury accommodations’, he cracked jokes often, he liked the nicer nurses, he ordered extra dessert with all his meals and was in generally pleasant spirits. Claire could see the cracks in his cognition though. Sometimes he would change the topic he was discussing mid-sentence, and he couldn’t seem to keep time straight. Whenever anyone would mention Christmas, he would act surprised to know that it was coming up, and at one point he hinted at Claire that she might just get those roller skates she wanted for Christmas, a gift she had not asked for since she was eleven years old. He didn’t seem to know what year it was or how old Claire was. He did know who Claire was though, and for that she was thankful. He also knew who the president was whenever the nurses asked, always beginning his answer with a short preamble to make known his disdain.

Before they knew it, it was Christmas Eve and Claire couldn’t hide the sadness she felt on her face. She was glad to spend the evening with Lamb, but she had been looking forward to her first big family Christmas. She had filled in Jamie about Lamb’s condition and her subsequent stay in Boston over the course of their phone calls that week. She had also describe the Christmas gifts she had purchased for the Murrays, Jo, and Lamb, so Jamie would know the rest were for him. Jamie had agreed to put the Murrays gifts in gift bags and distribute them for her. They were meant to exchange family gifts that evening, the morning being reserved for Santa, and Claire was heartbroken to be missing out. In a matter of hours, and for the first time in two months, her and Jamie would be on the same continent, yet they wouldn’t be able to see each other. There was no way Claire could get into the Christmas spirit under these conditions. The hospital, despite being modestly decorated, was not the most festive atmosphere. Even a troop of Girl Scouts caroling their way through the hospital halls did nothing to assuage the weight of losing everything Claire had been looking forward to for the past two months.

“What’s a matter, my dear?” Lamb asked, showing genuine concern for his niece.

“It’s nothing, I’m fine, I promise, I’m just wishing things were different today.”

“Why today? Is it something special? I can’t seem to remember.”

“It’s Christmas Eve. You were supposed to come to Long Island and meet Jamie. We were going to spend the holiday with his family.”

“Yes, I remember, that’s today? Oh dear, I haven’t gotten your gift yet I’m afraid.”

“That’s fine, Lamb, I’m afraid I left your gift at home, so we’ll have to do that part later. We can take a raincheck on gift exchanging. I was just really looking forward to you getting to know Jamie.”

“I’m sure I’ll meet the lad soon; he seems really special to you.”

“He is; I know you’ll like him.”

“I already do.” He patted the top of her hand and turned his attention back to the sitcom on the television, providing humorous commentary to try to cheer Claire up.

----------

It was late Christmas morning. Uncle Lamb was napping again and Claire had switched the television to the Hallmark Channel--usually her guilty pleasure this season, today it was simply reminding her of how her Christmas was proving to be less than magical. For her there would be no Christmas kisses, no magical snowfall, no saving the small town family business or learning to love Christmas again. All that awaited her this Christmas were fluorescent lights, beeping monitors, and nurses visiting every 6 hours to check her uncle’s vitals. This Christmas would be decidedly the most un-magical she had ever experienced. She had had her share of unconventional Christmases in the past, in fact, she never really was a Christmas person, but it had started to feel special to her when she was living in New York. This Christmas though--this was one she was looking forward to more than ever before. Claire spent most of the morning crying, grieving over all she was missing. She should have spent the morning curled up in Jamie’s arms, watching the children open presents. She could picture the Murray’s living room, trashed with colorful wrapping paper from end to end, each child in their own private world fascinated by their latest favorite toy, Jenny and Ian beaming through tired eyes.

Claire was surprised Jamie hadn’t called her to fill her in on the details yet. He had called yesterday when his plane arrived--groggy and jet-lagged, his communication skills were not the most eloquent, but he tried his best to make her feel better. She hadn’t heard from him at all this morning though, not even a Merry Christmas text. Surely the jet lag would have woken him up as early as the children, and they must have been done opening presents by now. Claire tried to rationalize that Jamie was just spending time with his family, but she couldn’t help feeling hurt and ignored. She thought she was important enough to him that he could take a moment away from his family to at least text her, or to find some way to make her feel included from afar. Had his feelings changed in their months apart? Did coming home to a messy apartment turn him off? Did she find his Christmas gifts and come to think she didn’t care enough to get him something more thoughtful? She thought about calling him, but a mixture of pride and fear kept her from acting first, not to mention she couldn’t stop crying over these sappy Christmas movies.

Suddenly, a voice from the doorway rang through the room, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!” Claire looked up in confusion, momentarily unable to comprehend her surroundings and the disruption that had just entered them. Santa? No. The tall figure filling the door frame was dressed like Santa, beard and all, but the unmistakable Scottish burr gave away his true identity. If Claire hadn’t already been crying, she certainly was now. Jamie was standing in the doorway, dressed in a Santa suit, carrying a large, blue IKEA bag overflowing with wrapped presents and what appeared to be Christmas decorations.

“What?” Claire could hardly believe he was there, she rose from the chair and the couple met in the middle of the room for a hearty embrace. Claire buried her face in the soft, fluffy suit covering Jamie’s chest, sobbing uncontrollably. Perhaps the setting wasn’t a snow covered street in a small town, but this was her own Hallmark movie moment--and to be honest, those Hallmark guys had nothing on James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser. Jamie held her close, and tight, planting kisses in her curls and whispering softly to her.

“I’m here, mo nighean donn.” He caressed her shoulders with his thumbs, not releasing his embrace in the slightest, breathing in her scent, trying to absorb her fears and pain.

All of the commotion had awoken Uncle Lamb and after witnessing the couples’ embrace for longer than was comfortable, Lamb loudly cleared his throat to remind them of his presence in the room.

“Uncle Lamb!” Claire unfolded herself from Jamie’s embrace, keeping one arm around his back. Jamie sheepishly pulled the fake beard down around his neck to reveal his face and removed his Santa hat, clutching it tightly in the palm that wasn’t holding Claire. “This is Jamie, my Jamie. Jamie, this is my Uncle Lamb.”

“Well, I’m certainly glad it’s not Santa Claus, or we’d have a lot of explaining to do to the lad!” Lamb chuckled back.

“A pleasure to finally meet you, sir.” Jamie reluctantly released Claire from his grasp to step beside the bed, extending a firm but gentle hand to Lamb. “I’m sorry it’s not under better circumstances.”

“Pleased to meet you as well, lad” Lamb replied, patting Jamie’s hand with his before releasing their handshake. “And don’t you worry about me, I have the best nurse there is taking care of me.” Two sets of proudly smiling eyes met Claire across the room.

“Oh I dinna doubt it for a second. Your niece is a rare woman.”

“Glad to see we’re in agreement. Now what’s all that?” Lamb gestured towards the large tote discarded near Claire’s feet.

“Aye, I thought I’d bring you two a bit o’ holiday cheer.” Jamie pulled a large cardboard box from the bag and extracted a small tabletop Christmas tree from it, unfurling each branch carefully and placing it on the countertop across the room, plugging it in to reveal fiber optic lights changing colors dreamily. “I usually insist on my Christmas trees being more, well, alive, but under the circumstances this’ll have tae do.” Jamie and Claire spent the next half hour or so festooning the room in garlands and placing tiny ornaments on the small tree. Claire tried to ignore that more than half of the bag was filled with brightly wrapped gifts, not sure whether she was hoping they were all for her, or hoping that they weren’t. After all, she didn’t have anything to give him and she didn’t know if he had looked through his gifts yet nor if he had appreciated them.

While they decorated, Jamie filled Claire and Lamb in on the events of the last few days. Jamie had called Jenny to tell her not to bother picking him up from the airport. He had planned on renting a car there and driving straight to Boston. Claire could hear Jenny’s voice loud and clear through Jamie’s imitation “ya clotheid! Have ya gone daft? Yer barely able to form coherent sentences amidst the jet lag from yer Christmas Eve flight, and ya wanna drive five hours tae Boston in that state!?! Claire willna appreciate ya ending up in a ditch on the side of the road as a Christmas present ya eejit!” Jenny had made a fair point, and Jamie had agreed to sleep at home and left shortly after he awoke that morning, staying only long enough for the children to open their stockings, and to watch their faces alight with surprise at the sudden appearance of piles of presents under and around the tree.

“I’m glad you took Jenny’s advice, but most of all I’m glad you’re here.” She embraced him again. “You didn’t have to do this though, Jamie, I know how important your family is to you.”

Jamie stepped back and lifted Claire’s chin with his thumb, looking into her eyes. “You are important to me, Sassenach.” he replied, with a sincerity that penetrated Claire’s heart. Claire responded by kissing Jamie chastely on the cheek, knowing her uncle was only four feet away--politely trying to ignore them and watch the television which he had flipped to an all-day marathon of A Christmas Story on repeat. Jamie’s welcome intrusion broke up the monotony of hospital life and seemed to give Lamb a better sense of what day it was.

“Now that we’ve got the place looking good and festive, I believe it’s traditional to exchange gifts on Christmas day.”

“Jamie, it’s too much, I--”

“Oh? Thought they were all for you, didja Sassenach?” he teased. Claire blushed. Of course; she hadn’t really--but who else would they be for? Surely Jamie wouldn’t spoil Lamb, a complete stranger to him, quite so much, and no one else was there. She looked dumbfounded as she tried to come up with a defense but Jamie stopped her. “Dinna fash, Sassenach, Jenny wrapped your gifts for me and Lamb before I could see and I bought them along too. She thanks ya for the wee lotions, by the way.”

“God bless Jenny! That woman is a Saint.” Claire also silently thanked God that she had left the present she was planning on wearing for Jamie that evening in her dresser drawer, that was not a gift she wanted Jenny to see, and was definitely not something she wanted him to be opening in front of her uncle.

The three exchanged gifts, save Lamb, who had nothing to give but smiles and approval for the young couples’ thoughtful gifts. Jamie was genuinely appreciative of Claire’s gifts, although she kept insisting that she hadn’t finished shopping and there was more to come; to which Jamie humbly rejected, claiming it wasn’t necessary. Jamie’s gifts to Claire were thoughtful and meaningful, the most touching ones being a print of a painting of the rose garden he had ordered from the Botanic Garden’s gift shop and a bracelet engraved with the words perennis amor, which caused Claire to tear up and embrace him tenderly in spite of her uncle’s presence.

The three enjoyed the rest of the day thoroughly. A Christmas Story played in the background and they laughed and shared stories with one another. Jamie was a born storyteller and Lamb was elated to have a fresh audience to recount his many adventures to, so conversation flowed naturally between them, with Claire occasionally interjecting. Claire mostly just sat back and admired the two men who were most important to her, filled with joy that they were getting along, that Jamie was there, that it was Christmas. For the first time in several days she had hope and peace. She was surrounded by love in that hospital room as well. She had all the things Christmas was said to bring, and for that she was grateful. Jamie had made her greatest Christmas wishes come true without her even asking and she felt lucky to be alive.

The hospital staff served their version of Christmas dinner for the small family, and while Claire was sure it paled in comparison to whatever Jenny had made, it was quite delicious, especially considering it was hospital food. Jamie ate in the armchair next to Lamb at Claire’s insistence, since the two were deep in conversation, and Claire sat in the chair on the other side of Jamie, taking in her magical Christmas scene, better than any Hallmark movie could depict.

After dinner, Jamie was fading fast, listening to one of Lamb’s stories with heavy eyes. She took one of the spare blankets and covered Jamie. “Looks like you’re still not over your jet lag”

“Hrmmphh, I ‘spose not.”

“Do you want me to go get you a coffee? I doubt the cafe downstairs is open today, but there’s a cappuccino vending machine a few floors down that isn’t terrible.”

“Aye Sassenach, that’d be bonny. If it’s not too much trouble.”

“None at all, my love, I’ll be back soon.” Claire squeezed his hand before leaving the two men alone.

Jamie listened to her footsteps down the hall, and waited until he heard the ding of the elevator before he cleared his throat to speak frankly to Lamb. He sat up straight in the chair to ward off the sleepiness, having a few important things he wanted to say before Claire came back.

“Lamb, I need you to know, Claire is the most important person in my life. I love her sae much and I’d do anything for her.”

“I’m glad to hear that, I can see how happy you make her. She lights up when you’re around, it comforts my old heart to see.”

“I need you tae know, I’m very serious about her. I ken we haven’t been together that long, but I know--I know deep in my wame that I’m meant tae be hers. I want ya to know that I intend on spending the rest of my life making her happy, and while I havna bought a ring or ennathing yet, I wanted to ask yer blessing” Jamie paused for a moment before adding, “just in case.”

“Of course you have my blessing, son. I couldn’t be more glad to know that Claire will be so well cared for after I’m gone, truly.” Both men looked somber, knowing full well that this could be their last conversation, hoping dearly that it wasn’t. Claire returned with three cappuccinos in hand, surprised by the mood in the room.

“Everything alright, gentlemen? Don’t tell me Ralphie shot his eye out!”

“Och! Everything’s fine, Claire! I’m just tired is all, I’m sure this wee cappuccino will cure me in no time!” replied Jamie, eagerly taking a cup from Claire as she set another on Lamb’s tray table. The rest of the evening was quiet as Jamie took a nap, while Lamb and Claire watched A Christmas Story more intently then they had all day. Claire didn’t want to leave him alone so early on Christmas so she let Jamie nap until Lamb was asleep soundly for the night. The sense of joy she had felt all day was still present, but the nagging worry she felt about Lamb’s coming surgery was starting to settle in as well. Claire woke Jamie gently and Claire whispered softly to Lamb that they’d return in the morning, squeezing his hand before the couple quietly left the room.

----------

They walked out to Jamie’s car, since he still had his stuff packed in it, but Claire drove them back to Lamb’s apartment where she’d been staying. The cappuccino was helping Jamie stay coherent, but he was in no state to drive. They were quiet on the drive home, but kept their hands locked between the seats, grateful just to be in the presence of one another.

When they arrived at Lamb’s apartment, Jamie was so tired, he didn’t even want to brush his teeth, let alone do any of his usual nightly routines. However, he had spent the morning sweating in a polyester Santa suit over his clothes, and although he took it off shortly after his surprise arrival, he felt in need of a shower. Claire showed him where the bathroom was and made sure he had everything he needed, and got herself ready for bed.

Jamie showered quickly, not bothering to wash his hair, and only cleaning the parts of his body where any stench would be most concentrated, figuring the water would take care of the rest. A few minutes later, he emerged from the bathroom with a towel around his waist, ready to collapse into bed, but not before embracing his sorcha. He scooped her into his embrace and she buried her face in his bare, firm chest, warm from the shower. He smelled clean, and fresh and most of like Jamie. “I’m so happy you’re with me, Jamie. You have no idea how much it means to me that you’re here.” the emotions of the day hit her again and her voice caught at the end of her sentence as tears filled her eyes once again. Jamie kissed her forehead softly, down to her nose, and landed on her lips, giving her the firm, passionate kiss they’d both been longing for all day--and for months before that.

“Mo cridhe.” Jamie breathed when they separated. “I’m here. I’ll always be here for you. I’ll no’ leave you alone when ya need me.”

“Oh Jamie” Claire was still crying, “I’ve been so worried. I’ve been trying to stay strong for Lamb, but I feel like this won’t go back to normal--if there ever was a normal with him. I’m scared he’s going to get worse, or--” her sentence dissolved into a fit of sobs, which she tried to stifle on Jamie’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to stay strong when you’re with me. I’ll be here to help you shoulder the burden. I’ll be here to soak up your tears. There’s two of us now, Claire.” He pressed a kiss into her curls. “You can feel your feelings now, mo cridhe. Lay your cares on me. Come now, let’s get ya tae bed. I’m no’ sure how much longer I can stand myself.”

Claire fell asleep wrapped safely in Jamie’s embrace, free to be herself fully. Free to be vulnerable she felt safe, she felt loved, she felt comfortable, and most new to her--she felt she had the hope and strength that she could carry on, no matter what was to come. She slept better than she had in weeks, secure in the embrace of her eternal love.

End Notes: Thanks again for reading!! By the way, the Ingrid Michaelson song Jo mentions is hauntingly beautiful and you should listen to it. Also, I hope you liked Jamie's surprise. This was going to be a lot more angsty of a chapter but Jamie refused to let Claire suffer and had other plans. I know this was full of a lot of emotional ups and downs, and hopefully we can all find some comfort in the fact that just because Christmas/the holidays may look different for a lot of us this year, it can still be special, and there's still light, joy, love, hope, and peace to be found in the midst of the darkness.

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msuhana · 4 years

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heeyoo everyone ! i’m ume ( 21+, she/her, pst! ) and this is my first muse here ! i’ve been eyeing this place for a while but only got enough time recently to really be able to join so i’m supes excited to be here !!! anyway enough with the ice-breaker-esque intro, this is hana 🖤 ( yves fc ) and she’s quite the pain in the ass bc she has quite the longest stick in her ass lmfao! her profile is right here, but it’s ridiculously long ( not that this isn’t ridiculously long but wtv ) so if you don’t want to get a headache .... mb read the below deets first ? i’d reaaaaaaaally love to plot with everyone, i’d much prefer it over twitter (@nagisasgf) or via discord ( feel free to ask! ) rather than tumblr dms, if possible. but if you’d also like to plot, feel free to like this and i’ll zoom by for some one on one time ! 🤪🤪🤪

TW WARNINGS CHILD ABUSE, VIOLENCE, BLOOD, NSFW

meet cho hana

again, cho hana: 21 y/o ( 11/11/98 ), toseong senior majoring in transfiguration, minor in herbology

she’s also in these clubs: chess club (co-president), debate club, and herbology club!

her mother chose her clubs and her major, hana chose her minor and the herbology club

born and raised in seoul, south korea! she’s also a mahoutokoro graduate

she was a ‘accident’, her father is severely out of the picture to the point that hana doesn’t even know his name / whereabouts or questions about him because her mother never told her about him at all and hana just accepted it ( aka her mother has a very tight reign on hana’s life )

speaking of her mother, her mother is a famed auror who fell from grace when she got pregnant with hana

because of her pregnancy with hana, she had to retire early and thus dedicated her entire life making sure hana didn’t make the same mistakes she did and was just as smart, talented and envied as ahyoung had been

this makes for a very restrained childhood, where all hana knew was studying, studying and more studying

also if it isn’t obvious, hana has serious mommy issues to the point that she’s disillusioned herself into thinking everything is okay when it’s not

( TW FOR CHILD ABUSE )

whenever her mother was displeased with something, she’d physically abuse hana -- it began when hana would get things wrong, if she didn’t get the right grades or failed to make the top of her class but then it started to extend to embarrassing her mother by saying or doing the wrong things

( END TW )

it’s pretty bad because hana thinks, still, if she works hard enough she can somehow gain her mother’s love

ever since she was young, hana was conditioned to strive for the best, because she was ‘cho ahyoung’s daughter’ she could do it, to the point that it not only inflated hana’s ego, it also really fucked up her self-esteem and how she she’s her own self-worth

a lot of people think she’s a ‘genius’ or ‘prodigy’ because of her academic history but she’s literally the opposite, she works way too hard for her grades but her mother wants her to pretend she’s a genius because she thinks it’s embarrassing that her own daughter isn’t a natural-born genius like she is

i, hana

this bitch has Big Tsun vibes if you know it you know it 🤪

like she’ll geniunely care but she’s also HEAVES BIG SIGH BC ???? WHY ??? WHAT ARE THESE FEELINGS ???

she’s such a priss, and she knows it -- that’s why i say she has a stick up her ass bc she does

she’s definitely not a wild card, she’s very by the book, rules and all, sure -- she tries not to fault people if they’re not the same as her but if you go out of your way to be stupid, you’ll be getting an ear-full

probably the most put-together person you know, organized, meticulous, looks like she has her life all together? yeah that’s cho hana

her outfits of choice are hot librarian chic, if you must know -- yes, she owns sweater vests and layers her clothes, and yes she thinks they’re sexy

she’s not mean, but she’s also not unreasonably nice off the gate ???? she’s just really civil and mutual ??? mostly she’ll fake smile at you but in her head she’s like ‘i’m with stupid’

no, but if you’re really dumb / do something really dumb she’ll call you out on it without filter

she’s a very type-A personality, but she wasn’t always like this. if anything, she was made to be this way and it kind of stuck. she carries around a planner ( no, not those bullet journal crap ) an actual planner with real dates, a to-do list and scheduled sessions written for almost every minute of every day. if she loses this, she’ll practically shut down

hana doesn’t love control, she needs it -- if anything, without it, she can get a little antsy, so much that it kind of fucks with her fragile ego ( you can thank her mother for the need to be in control bc her mother literally controls every aspect of her life )

if she’s upset, she’ll probably grin through it before quickly excusing herself to go throw vases at the walls or tear flowers to shreds in the greenhouse

if you need someone to critically tear down your confidence and dish reality’s terrible news to you, hana’s probably the person you need

you can probably find hana in 3 places if she’s not in her dorm: studying in the library, crying in the greenhouse, or smoking at the pool of universe

she’s praised as some kind of genius or prodigy, but hana thinks it’s more of an insult than a compliment because she's neither. she won’t deny it but you can probably instantly see the way her demeanor changes towards you when you call her either of those things

this bitch should go on jeopardy with all the useless information she keeps on hand from all her studying, tbh. like she’d be leading a normal conversation with her friends, and if it’s remotely related, she’d randomly insert it into the conversation as if it was something normal like asking about the weather.

not one to go out looking for trouble, but much like a vulture – she follows it. perhaps it’s her desire to be praised, to feel needed, whatever – but in her group of friends, could probably be seen as the moral compass, if not, the person who’s cleaning up everyone’s messes ( or holding their hair while they puke their guts out )

needed connects

childhood friends who know how hana’s mom is, and all the stress she puts on her ( but not the bad things that happen at home ) and try to help her through her issues but hana’s like ‘no, it’s not your problem, it’s okay’ but this friend won’t give up because they hate to see hana so stressed and sad and frustrated and just want the best for her!!!!

give her friends who want to loosen her up because she’s literally so fuCKING RIGID, she needs to live a little but hana is literally like fuck that shit i need to study my ass off or else i’ll lose my place ( but really she’d probably not lose her place, she’s just delusional )

ppl she can actually break down in front of bc she feels stress keeping up w everyone’s expectations of who she is and she’s kind of SIck of pretending to be this Perfect Person but she keeps it up bc it’s better than hearing the nasty things about her

give me a good tension-filled rivals plot, this bitch is honestly so hyper-competitive it’s ridiculous, we’d just love someone to go ‘chill tf out you bitch, but oh yeah look how i steal rank 1 from you’

TOSEONG SENIOR PREFECT LOCKED ! so, hana worked extra hard junior year in order to get senior prefect ( or even head girl ) but since she got neither, hana is a) pissed and b) bitter because now she has her mother breathing down her neck for not getting either positions, but her mother’s wrath adds even more : ) unnecessary : ) stress and that stress : ) gets unreasonably taken out on that toseong senior prefect

exes who couldn’t keep up with her -- hana always puts her relationships second to her academic priorities and it comes to a point where she’ll put studying/getting ahead before hanging out with her significant other, and it has always been this way ; she’s also just never able to properly put her feelings into proper words so she’s always just ... Repressed

someone give her a love where she ALMOST threw everything away for but at the last minute didn’t -- OR BETTER YET she was so ready to do it but the s/o was like Sike! and she was left devastated and her already vulnerable feelings got even worse to the point that she closed herself off

HERBOLOGY CLUB MEMBER LOCKED ! ( could be a junior year or above! ) hana wasn’t always in the herbology club, but she joined her sophomore year after a brush of fate. after getting really bad results on her DADA exam, and fearing what her mother would say/do, she finds solace in the greenhouse ( she’s been there several times bc of her minor and finds it empty at certain hours ) and begins ripping up the plants. your muse can find hana and scold her / console her / etc. but somehow the interaction ends with your muse convincing hana to join the herbology club

( TW NSFW )

someone pls fuck her against a bookcase, just a thought

rivals but fwb ( can also be paired with the connect from above! )

( END TW )

hana secretly smokes. she doesn’t fault anyone who does, hana just thinks it’s a bad habit for herself and if her mother knew, she knew she’d never hear the end of it. so, enter your muse either they found her while they themselves were looking for a smoke or just happened upon her -- either way they found out hana smokes and it can end in either a ) hana doesn’t give a shit and ends up having smoking dates with them or b ) hana fucking fears for her life and exchanges something in order for you to keep your mouth shut

( TW ABUSE, VIOLENCE )

PRE-ESTABLISHED FRIENDS PLOT REQ ! but your muse mistakenly walks in on hana and her mother in the middle of a heated argument. you finally see hana being the submissive person you Don’t know her to be and in the nick of time you see her mother slap the shit out of her. you try to talk to hana but don’t know what to say -- shockingly enough -- you don’t need to say anything because hana just breaks down and it kind of just makes sense. from there, your muse will probably be the only person hana goes to about her mommy issues, especially when hana’s mom makes her ‘surprise’ visits to campus to check up on her

( END TW )

hana isn’t a bad drinker, if anything -- she’s pretty good at keeping her alcohol in check. however, you aren’t -- so here she is, holding your hair, holding your arm, or helping you back to your dorm room. either way, she’s here to take care of you and in the morning, lecture you for your almost alcohol intoxication scare

as top of her class, hana isn’t unfamiliar to tutoring others, if anything, a lot of her professors actually ask her to do so -- pairing her with several of their students at one time. maybe you’re one of the students she tutors?

someone who envies how well hana does in school, and is constantly praised for it -- maybe hates her for it? idk -- something spicy i guess or going so far to say how easily it comes to hana and kind of undermines the hard work hana actually does and hana either takes it or blows up at them for it bc that shit is annoying as fuck

toseong house cute plots bc hana isn’t really all that cute but like she tries ... she wants affection but won’t go out of her way to ask for it??? bitch has problems i swear

toseong house not so cute plots ( could also be relevant to any not from toseong ) who are just sick of hana’s genius bullcrap and want to take her down a notch !!!!! my ass heavily wanting this bc who doesn’t love a muse in pain / agony ; could also apply as a rivals / hate plot idk

( TW BLOOD )

HEALING MAJORS LOCKED ! your muse catches hana in the middle of her rage episodes. she unceremoniously is wreaking havoc somewhere and ends up breaking glass to the point that she ends up bleeding. your muse chances upon her -- sees that she’s bleeding and offers to patch her up. whether or not she fesses up to why she ended up this way, can be determined!

( END TW )

#msu:intro #honestly if you read all this u deserve everything Good in the world #also known as ume doesnt know when to stfuuuuuuuuu !!!!11!!1!!!#also yes i stole parts of her profile and stuck it here y not #ill have another post for halloween plots when i stop spamming the event blog bc my ass doesnt read directions carefully #tws are there just in case none of it is explained graphically but just in case ykno!!

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hag-lad · 4 years

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Digging Deeper

Thank you to my radiant wonderful friend @alienfuckeronmain for sending me EXACTLY the type of self indulgent wind-down activity I wanted on this otherwise depressing weekend! If anyone else wants to answer FORTY-NINE QUESTIONS about themselves, I’m super nosy and will read it all! @fight-the-seether @ptolemyofchaos @butchwizard @metalbutch @nyndelion @comrade-ziltoid @leatherdear @kristalknobb Enjoy, friends!

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? I prefer black, but I always feel like I write neater in blue??

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? The city, but only if it has breathable air, green infrastructure, and decent public transit. So like... definitely no city in America lmao

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? The ability to quickly become fluent in another language! I’ve been struggling with Spanish for literal YEARS and it’s honestly pathetic. My brain is so stuck on English.

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? Look pal. If I wanna drink sugar, I’m gonna have a soda, not herb water or bean juice.

5. What was your favorite book as a child? I was OBSESSED with The Wish List, by Eoin Colfer (of Artemis Fowl fame). I remember being so fascinated by how dark it was?? It’s an afterlife adventure, where the main character has to escape purgatory by atoning for her crimes of robbery and fraud and whatever. I had a crush on her, so basically this book made me want to pursue a life of crime, even though it explicitly condemns crime and depicts Hell as a very real and horrible place. I was in like fourth grade and was super morbidly curious about Hell and the possibility of going there! Lol

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? Baths... but only when I’m not actually dirty going in. A bath is leisure, not hygiene.

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would you be? 100% fae! I would build my dwelling within a sidhe mound, steal shiny things in the middle of the night, make bastardly little contracts for no reason, and cause harmless mayhem and mischief because mortals really are fools (go off, robin goodfellow!) Also I love mushroom circles and dancing in the moonlight.

8. Paper or electronic books? Paper all the way! I read much more content electronically, but it’s usually in the short story or article format. Books are much better in print, I think.

9. What is your favorite item of clothing? Probably my rust-brown overalls.

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? I’ve always hated my name but no alternative has ever stuck, unfortunately. My name is Amy, and I don’t think it fits at all. If I knew I’d never have to correct anyone on it, I’d probably just change it to Amelia?

11. Who is a mentor to you? My little brother! He’s this genius musician, and he has taught me so much about song structure, polyrhythms, guitar technique, production tricks, all kinds of trivia that really deepen my appreciation for music and the LABOR that goes into it.

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? No, never, not for anything. I cherish my anonimity so much, I don’t even put searchable tags on this blog cuz I get an adrenaline spike from anxiety if too many people interact with me. I also just think fame is a fucking hideous construct. I don’t think it’s even slightly cool or desirable.

13. Are you a restless sleeper? No, I’m a fucking log. I can easily sleep for 12 hours straight. Thanks, depression!

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? No, actually. I’m very much in love, and it brings me lots of joy to do nice things with and for my partner! But romance feels very difficult for me to connect with. I’m super domestic, like, I love the idea of marriage but not necessarily a wedding, or a moonstruck romance or whatever. Those dramatic gestures feel very awkward for me.

15. Which element best represents you? EARTH. Specifically, like... dirt, or soil.

16. Who do you want to be closer to? I want to be geographically closer to my family. We’re thick as thieves, but we all live like 50 miles apart from each other. I miss my brothers and my parents so much, I feel so incomplete and depressed without them to hang out with, especially since quarantine.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? See above! Lol

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. When my little brother was a baby, he had this grey car seat with a folding mechanism which held his legs in place. It made a very satisfying clicking sound when the mechanism moved, AND when it was fully unfolded, it looked a lot like a Klingon battle cruiser. (Or so my five year old brain thought.) So! My older brother and I would take this seat out of the car CONSTANTLY so that we could unfold it and “sing” the Klingon theme music from Star Trek: The Motion Picture while we scooched our car seat battle cruiser across the living room floor, pretending to shoot phasers into the TV or the dining table or whatever else got in our way.

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? Gifilte fish, maybe?

20. What are you most thankful for? My family, including my wonderful partner and all the cats in our lives!

21. Do you like spicy food? Yes! But my tolerance for extreme spice decreases every year, unfortunately. So I can’t handle as much heat as I used to, but I do enjoy a good kick.

22. Have you ever met someone famous? Lmaooo I made the regretful decision to PAY FOR a meet&greet with Fall Out Boy in like 2006, which was so fucking awkward and painful, I vowed to never approach that level of lame again.

23. Do you keep a diary or a journal? TONS! I’m an obsessive record keeper. Some years I journal more than others, and I’ve found that it is super difficult to keep up with it while working full time. But it’s absolutely one of my favorite hobbies.

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or pencil? Pen for writing. Pencil for drawing, and math.

25. What is your star sign? Virgo sun, Aquarius moon, Scorpio rising 🙃

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? Crunchy! A shallow bath in that milk is key.

27. What would you want your legacy to be? My artwork. I go through these aesthetic phases every year that I become super obsessed with/ focused on, and I’ve always meant to catalogue them in annual art journals, but I’ve NEVER FINISHED ONE! They always get pushed aside by the need to work, and I hate that so much. If I could just take a year off work and backfill all of my missed concepts into completed books, I would be so happy. But I literally have NO WAY to pay for that, absolutely none. I fucking hate capitalism.

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? I love to read, but finishing a whole book has been A STRUGGLE lately! Right now I’m chipping away at Tending Brigid’s Flame, which is a quaint lil devotional for the Celtic fire goddess. Very new agey, like cheesy Wiccan vibes. I love that shit!

29. How do you show someone you love them? Quality time!

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? Only if I have a straw. Ice touching my teeth kinda makes me wince.

31. What are you afraid of? Incompetance, doing a bad job, letting someone down, taking up too much space, being a nussiance, etc

32. What is your favourite scent? Incense! Especially cinnamon, dragon’s blood, and amber.

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? I always call people, regardless of age, by the name they ask me to use. Sometimes it’s a surname or title, usually it’s a first name. I’ll ask their preference if I’m unsure. But I definitely don’t default toward a surname, that’s weird.

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? COMPLETELY DIFFERENTLY!!!!!! The need for money rules literally every single hour of my entire life, and I hate it so much. I’m naturally nocturnal, but my job requires me to get up super early and sit in a car for 11 hours a day. I wake up at 5am, come home front work at 5pm, spend an hour or two trying to unwind, then go to bed and do it all over again. I hate my life! Really! I never see the stars, I never exercise, I am completely exhausted and burnt out all the time, and I barely get any quality time with my partner. If money were no object, I would sleep til noon or 1, make art and hike all day, ride my bike and stargaze all night, stay up til 4am reading and playing with my cats, and sleep like a baby. My partner and I would cook dinner for each other and watch Star Trek and collaborate on art projects and I would be so happy.

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? Here’s my hierarchy: Private pool > ocean > public pool

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? I’d look around to see if anyone obviously dropped it and try to give it back. If I couldn’t find anyone, I’d exchange it for dollars and deposit that shit into my account!

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Of course!! Hundreds!

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? America is evil and needs to be destroyed.

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? Lmao this is so cute. If you HAD TO HAVE a tattoo! I really wanna finish my damn sleeves, they’re literally 9 years in the making and barely half finished. But I’d also love more art on my legs! I DESPERATELY want Ziltoid in a lacy valentine heart on my thigh.

40. What can you hear now? Our fish tank water bubbling and my fan on full blast.

41. Where do you feel the safest? Home alone, doors locked, windows covered, lights low. I absolutely LOVE to not be seen or perceived in any way.

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? My fear of discomfort

43. If you could time travel to another era, which one would you choose? I feel like I’d want to be a teen in the 80’s and an adult in the 90’s. Does time travel work that way?

44. What is your most used emoji? 😭 or 😎

45. Describe yourself using one word. Defeated

46. What do you regret the most? Convincing myself that math was too hard or boring (or something?) when I was in middle school. I feel like I’m actually a pretty intelligent person who could’ve totally overcome that difficulty and gone on to understand all kinds of patterns and concepts which have eluded me to this day! It’s so frustrating to try and fight that formative self-concept, which now comes naturally but ultimately sabotages me. 💀

47. Last movie you saw? I made my partner watch Troop Beverly Hills, one of my childhood faves. It’s so fun! I love chick flicks so much.

48. Last tv show you watched? Deep Space Nine. Getting through the first season has been harder than expected. It’s actually my favorite Star Trek show?? (Orrrr maybe that’s TNG, ahh! It’s so hard to choose!) But season one is so baffling and awful! Why is there so much space capitalism??! And racism? And war? And drinking alcoholic beverages? #notmystartrek

49. Invent a word and its meaning. I used to call a single strand of curly hair a “curly quink” when I was a child. Therefore, a “quink” is a section of hair, usually a particularly cute or iconic one.

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i-am-masterkittens · 4 years

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You better prepare yourself cause these are Quite A Few Questions 👀👀 3, 4, 11, 12, 15, 21, 23, 31, 33, 39 and lastly 40. Wow. 11 questions lmao

Thank you so much 😭😭❤

3. rant. just do it (I am going to put my whole ass rant under the cut because BOY IS IT LENGTHY. Also tw child abuse, pedophilia, self-harm and I think that’s it.)

4. do you think its ok to separate the artist from the art? No? Like I guess if you want to, that’s fine, I’m not gonna hate you for it, but for me personally I’m gonna try to avoid it as much as possible. If a bad person creates a masterpiece, I’m still not gonna support them.

11. what unusual talent do you have? Uhh mild body contortion? Like I can’t touch my toes for the life of me but I can twist my body really weirdly and bend all my fingertips backwards by a lot. I love freaking people out by doing that.

12. what’s the most interesting schools gossip you’ve ever heard? I have audio-based problems meaning I have trouble understanding someone when they speak and also remembering what they said, so I can eavesdrop on the juiciest gossip and forget the next day. However, I do remember this one thing about some kid named Evan being a vampire, which I distinctly remember because Jake talked about it, but I don’t remember how it came up.

15. what’s a question do you constantly get asked? One would think it would be “omg are you left handed?” Or something similar, but I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me about it. One question I do get a lot is from my boyfriend, “why are you so cute?” It makes me shy and I have to hide my face.

21. what’s a conspiracy you believe in? That there are Warrior cats living somewhere in the world (from the warrior series). Which I guess isn’t a conspiracy, but I believe in it!

23. if you could break one of your bad habits which would you choose? The inability to take care of myself. I mean, if someone wasn’t there to remind me every day, I would never remember to take my medicine, or brush my teeth before bed, or even get dressed half the days. I wouldn’t call it lazy, it’s more of a “I’m too tired to take care of myself”. That’s mental illness for you babey!!

31. you can change one thing in your life right now. what are you changing? OH. I would totally delete every disease in the world. This whole quarantine thing is making me sick physically, emotionally, and mentally, because I am not allowed outside at all and the lack of fresh air, meeting people, and vitamin D is stressing me out and well I feel bad almost all the time now. Not to mention all the cool stuff I was gonna do for my 2020 graduation. 😔

33. what do you think about a lot I sometimes wonder if my best friend would let me call him Jakey or Jakie as a nickname but I’m too shy to ask because I am baby.

39. describe your asthetic Okay so I call it “Pretty-Cryptid, Baby-Softcore.” Because I am baby AND a cryptid. I’ll be eating baby carrots from the bag and staring out the window one minute then I’ll want to be snuggled under lots of blankets the next. I also really love pretty things and colors. Pastel purples and blues? Hell yeah! Pats on the head? I love you. A demon with ethereal vibes and pretty jewelry is standing next to me in bed and telling me everything’s going to be okay? OGHOHOHHHHGH ❤❤❤❤ Anyway I want a pretty monster dad, please?

40. answer with one of your ‘school memes’ (inside jokes you have with your class/grade) with no explanation Mr. Wise.

Here’s my rant:

The basis of it all is just that I would probably sleep forever if I could.

I guess that isn’t all quite a rant, so I’ll start of on a mild note. What the fuck is happening to my dreams? I’ve been having these weird ass dreams about people taking care of me and genuinely wanting to become a parental figure to me. They all wear masks, two of which look exactly like SCP-035 and SCP-049, but there’s this one dude, I don’t know him, but he wears this mask with holes in it. Apparently his name is Jason? This isn’t the first time I’ve had a dream about someone who I didn’t know existed, I’ve also had dreams about Monika from DDLC before I knew who she was, and even about how she died. It was creepy as fuck, and I sure hope my dreams don’t come true because I’ve had dreams of the future more than once.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get into the heavy stuff, starting with my parents.I know I’m not the only person to have shitty parents, but that doesn’t stop them from being shitty. And before I get into anything, please please, please don’t report them to anyone. It’s probably weird to hear considering all they’ve done, but the guilt will probably kill me literally, and I still kinda love them, I mean they’re my parents and they took care of me. I don’t want anything to happen to them, and I don’t want to have to hurt myself because I did something to them, even if it was indirectly.

It used to be physical abuse, but it’s evolved into verbal as I grew up. Whenever I used to get in trouble, I would get so fucking terrified of what was going to happen to me. My dad, who was mostly absent from my life, (hence my constant wishing for a fictional character to be my dad, and probably a HUGE factor for what’s happening to my dreams lately) was also the most heavy handed with the hitting. He would spank me so hard that I would be crying and my butt would be red for hours. And it was so SO obvious that he liked my sister more than me, because it was always me who ended up with the red butts, and she’d get away with a loud yelling at. Meanwhile my mom would just hit me wherever she could with whatever she could, including a wire coat hanger when she was doing laundry.

And I recognize that I was a problem child, both physically and mentally because of my internal deformities that cause a lot of health problems, but also my weird boyish mentality and energy (I was into roughhousing a lot). But even then, just yelling would be enough to make me stop. Hitting me the way they did only made me learn how to lie to them and hide when I did something wrong.

This sort of stuff went on until about middle school, where it turned into more verbal threats about kicking me out of the house, as well as calling me names and making comments that dropped my self esteem very low, including stupid cow, bitch, and even telling me to hide my body and never wear bikinis or short shorts or crop tops (which I was already sensitive enough about because of my scars and the bump in my abdomen because of my knotted intestines, which gives me digestive issues if I eat too much). Dad almost completely dropped off the disciplinary train, only yelling at me extremely loudly when he got angry, but other than that I did pretty much nothing with him.

Because of them I’ve become extremely paranoid when it comes to touches that aren’t meant to be 100% comforting, and I’ve never been able to fully trust anyone for fear of getting hurt, (I’m sorry Jake :( if it makes you feel better though I trust you the most out of anyone else) and I get nervous when speaking up because I always got shot down by my parents.

It’ll be okay though because I have my boyfriend who I’ll get to live with soon, even if it’s just for the summer.

This isn’t everything that they’ve done, but it’s the majority of it, and even though they do good stuff with me sometimes, like my dad cooks breakfast or takes us out to eat, or we all go on nice vacations together, and it makes me feel guilty that I’m making them look bad, and worry that I’m oversharing or being too sensitive, but then I remember what they do and have done, and remind myself that I’ll only visit during holidays.

When I was 13, I came into contact with a pedophile. My first one out of at least 2 that I remember. I’m going to spare the details, but he tried to roleplay sexual situations with him, and convince me to undress in front of him, and that’s when I cut contact with him, and faked my death. I’m so, SO fucking sick of pedos, and pedo apologists, saying there’s nothing wrong with the age difference, when pedophilia has done nothing good to or for children. It gave me severe PTSD, to the point that I can’t say any words relating to reproduction, and visual-based sexual content will cause me to have flashbacks and panic attacks and cause me to scratch myself. Thanks pedos! Fucking hate you all! Please die.

And before people say I am overreacting, I’ve had this huge trigger since I was 13 and that is not something a kid should go through. And the reason why not a lot of people know about what happened, it’s because of the fear that I harbored, that people would laugh at me, and might use my triggers against me, which made things even worse, and it wasn’t until my boyfriend triggered me (accidentally) that I finally told someone, and it made me feel better that I could rely on him.

Other than that, another rant is about my boyfriend. I mean, he’s a good boyfriend, and he’s nice, but sometimes he comes off as insensitive and it makes me upset. That’s most of the reasons why we fight. Another big thing is lack of affection/attention, which might seems strange since we’re always hanging out, it seems, and cuddling, but sometimes he falls asleep on me and I get bored and don’t know what to do, or sometimes he ignores me to play video games or talk to other people. I am very touch starved so I need constant attention and contact or else I get worried, and I don’t know if he knows this or not, but he definitely comes off as ignorant sometimes.

He makes up for a lot of stuff he does, but it doesn’t make what he did go away, and I wish he’d realize that and change because he keeps making the same mistakes.

My last rant is going to be about myself, and that I feel like a shit person! I feel like I always make things worse! I feel bad for every decision I make! I feel like I’m too clingy to my boyfriend and that I ask too much of him sometimes, and it makes me feel like shit because what I want and how I feel afterwards are different things and wow! Time for scratches! Also I want to have the power to always know what to do and say to make everyone happier and feel better! But then I get scared I’m gonna make a mistake and instead of trying to help I ignore them and go wow! I am a very shit person for ignoring them! And now my heart hurts because I got another heart palpitation by panicking! Wow I have a shit body! My heart deformities might kill me in my sleep! Wow! I am so insecure about everything I do and every way I look. I just want to become small and disappear sometimes. I miss you Jake. It’s hard for me to tell you I love you because it’s such an intimate phrase and my boyfriend was the first to hear it from me. But I’m glad you’re the second, even though we were so close to it. Somewhere in an alternate universe we’re together, and that makes me happy. I hope I we can become platonically intimate again, I remember holding your hand at night and it made me feel a little bit better at that camp.

My body just always hurts. I have to take a lot of medicine, and between all my heart, lung, and intestinal issues, on top of all my mental issues, majority of which have gone undiagnosed because my mom is in denial and refuses to get me to any sort of therapy; all of that combined makes me tired constantly, and I just always have stress, and a little headache in the back of my head.

I’m still hurting a lot, but I hope to get better. I have lots of ideas for the future, and I want to complete them before I go. I hope I make it past 2020, with many of you in tow.

I’m so tired.

I’m sorry if I made you sad.

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kayliemusing · 3 years

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1. Do you bite or lick ice cream? - Lick

2. What is home to you? - Cozy, safe, a place I always miss when I'm gone

3. What was the last lie you told? - My work asked me if I wanted to pick up a shift on a specific day and I said I had plans oops

4. Does everyone deserve the truth? - I think it depends on the situation. Generally, yes, but I think that sometimes we lie to people or don't tell an entire truth because we don't want to hurt someone or make something worse or hard on someone; we protect them. So I feel like if the truth is going to hurt them worse or not do any good, keep it to yourself. You don't have to lie outrageously, plus I think these kinds of lies aren't really "bad". They're coming from a place of love sometimes and quite literally wanting to shelter someone.

5. What is the creepiest toy ever made? - Furbies!!!!

6. Describe a moment in which you did something unacceptable in a bad situation. - I don't know if I'd call it "unacceptable" or a "bad situation" lol but one time my manager was really getting on my nerves and I rolled my eyes at her. We had a talk later, but yeah, that's really it. I'm not too crazy with the things I do lol. The most you get from me is a bit of an attitude (but only if I'm at my wits end!)

7. List two things that are more easily done than said. (No, I didn't mix them up.) - tbh I can't think of two but the first one that came to mind for me is showing someone you love them (taking care of them, spontaneously buying them something, giving them the last slice of pizza, listening to them chatter excitedly about something their passionate about, etc) because I think it's easier to subtly show little acts of love than to full on say "I love you/I'm in love with you" (especially if we fear rejection).

8. When was the last time you worked really hard to achieve something? - This week actually. I started a creating writing course and it's really motivated me to get my writing done so I completed an assignment as well as I have been vigorously stripping back my story idea and figuring out the main beats. It's the most productive writing-wise I've been in a while I think.

9. How many all nighters have you pulled? - Not too many. My all-nighters haven't been deliberate since a middle school sleepover, they generally happen now if I'm reading a book I can't put down lol

10. If humans didn't evolve to laugh or smile, how would we express our happiness instead? - Gestures, body language or words most likely.

11. How many romantic "things" or "flings" have you had? - Zero (wah wah wah wahhhh sad trombone)

12. What is your paradise? - I have a few!! I think there's a few lol. I'll give you one. My paradise would probably be a cozy december night, christmas only a few days away, I'm writing something I'm super into while sipping a cup of hot chocolate and I'm wearing a beautiful sweater and red lipstick. Anything cozy is my paradise really. (also in this dreamy-paradise I'm making (good) money off of my own writing so I don't have to work a minimum wage job anymore)

13. What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) - I love the sound of rain hitting the car or going down a rain gutter. I also love the sound of birds chirping.

14. How many hearts do you think you have broken? - 1

15. What is the most important thing about electronics? What does this say about you? - I think it's good that we have something small and convenient like cellphones to get a hold of people or to call for help if we ever need it. Like I can't imagine being in the past when something serious was happening and they didn't have anyone to call for help.

16. Why do people care about celebrities? Do you care about celebrities? - I think people like the escape that celebrities bring, whether it's to live vicariously through them or to make fun of them lol. The only celebrity I really care about is Taylor Swift. I don't really know much else about any other celebrity.

17. What is the most annoying thing someone can do to you? - Embarrass me or make me feel stupid or undervalued.

18. Do you overexaggerate? What are the pros and cons of this? - I do sometimes, but not excessively. I do more so as a kid. Pro: it makes stories better. Con: you're kinda lying lol

19. Have you played any instruments before? Which instruments? - I tried to learn the guitar but it didn't work out lmao

20. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? - I used to. I'm not totally opposed to selfies, but I find that pictures of any kind make me feel worse about myself so I just quit doing it. If my makeup is really nice that day I'll take one and it'll be fine, but generally I just don't like to.

21. List 3 things you like about yourself? - My attention to detail - My deep seated kindness - I'm strong-willed so my beliefs and values never move

22. What is the best advice someone has ever given you? - Taylor Swift baby. "You are not the opinion of someone who doesn't know you or care about you" but I still have yet to let it sink in truly bc I still care oops. Also, writing advice: "Show, Don't Tell" this advice can literally save a writers life.

23. Do you have what it takes to raise a child? Why or why not? - I think I could raise a child, but I don't think I'm ready to. a) I don't have a person to raise a kid with me, b) I think I still have a lot of growing up to do and that's very important when it comes to having a kid.

24. How do you cheer yourself up after a bad day? - i cry, binge, feel sorry for myself, play some TS, and repeat.

25. When was the last time you felt awkward? - I feel awkward about everything. I felt super awkward at the grocery store yesterday bc there were these teenagers at the store in this huge pack and I had to try to get by them but they kept getting in my way and I felt so awks but also annoyed and angry bc I was trying to get stuff done.

26. Are you introverted or extroverted? Or a mixture of both? - Introverted

27. What constitutes a good friend? - Someone who is loyal, a good-listened, has your back, and defends you to the bone. Something that's always bothered me in friendships I've had is not feeling like my friend was on my side. For example, my sister's best friend always makes me laugh because when my sister is wronged by someone, her friend will immediately take her side and defend her to the ends of the earth. I've always hated if someone hurt me that my friend would remain friends with someone who hurt me or was mean to me. (I know as adults it can be a little different and I think it depends on the circumstance, but I just really value that loyalty of having a friend who would just go to the ends of the earth for you).

28. Would you rather have a lot of friends to hang out with or just one best friend? - One best friend.

29. In a regular day, what do you not want to hear? - my managers talking to me

30. What is your dream job? - Best-selling/successful author

31. Is it better to be lazy but smart or hardworking but unintelligent? -Hardworking but intelligent. Being hardworking I think says more to your character. Intelligence isn't the only interesting thing about you and it only takes you so far.

32. What is a truth about yourself that others find hard to believe? - I think probably that I struggle with my self worth because I preach a lot on self love and I'm definitely not a person to settle for less, but I really struggle to love myself or to feel worthy of love. Or that I'm not confident like people think, because I've always gotten that as a compliment, that I'm confident but I never ever feel confident and always feel like I'm less than.

33. What have you always wondered about the other gender? - why

34. Which fantasy world would you like to visit the most? - Not gonna lie, the Court of Thorns and Roses universe so I could see what Velaris looks like. Or Narnia!

35. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. - I had a friend in the fifth grade who was obsessed with beauty and being thin so she used to tell me I was fat all the time and when I would go to her house to "hang out" she would make me weigh myself and exercise. Probably the reason I have a low key eating disorder.

36. Imagine that you have switched bodies with someone you don't know. You can't switch back. What do you do? - I don't even know. I feel like I'd just be confused and then I'd probably have a panic attack.

37. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? - Burn it because someone bad is gonna get their hands on it I just know it

38. What is the most important, applicable class you have ever taken? - I haven't really taken many classes so far except for creative writing but I wouldn't call it "the most important" but it's definitely really bene benefiting me and my writing!

39. Name the last book you read. - I read Ugly Love by Colleen Hoover and it was a waste of ten dollars

40. Imagine that you are unable to express emotion. How would this affect your world? - I feel like it would call for a lot of hurt feelings, but there's other ways to express emotions through gestures and words. I'm a writer so I feel like that's how I would express it to people if I was unable to do it any other way. However if I was unable to express it through words, I'd be in big trouble bc that's kind of a writer's M.O.

41. When was the last time you made the first move? - Neveerrr

42. What is your opinion on electronic music such as dubstep or trap? - h a t e. it's racket, i'm sorry. however they CAN sometimes add something different to a song and make it more fun or different or just pull out a different vibe which I think is cool. I can't listen tho if it's ONLY electronic sounds. it just wears me down until i feel like stabbing my ears with pins.

43. What was the last movie you watched? - Not gonna lie I think it was Halloweentown High a couple weeks ago.

44. Do you like and appreciate your life? - I'm trying to be present and grateful for my life because overall, I feel like there have been this little blessings along the way. I had a good childhood, I had a great dad and I have a wonderful mom, I went to school, I graduated, I've met incredible people, I have a good job that pays well. But I'm still a little unhappy because it doesn't fully look the way I want it to. I'm not totally satisfied yet. So I don't think I fully like it, but I'm trying to.

45. Do you like and appreciate yourself? - No, that's something I really have a hard time accepting.

46. When was the last time you cried? - Yesterday but only got a little teary and I think it was over a tiktok lol. I think I cried a full cry last week but I don't even remember why. It was late at night. I was probably tired.

47. What are you scared of? - Spiders, loss, failure. the fun stuff.

48. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? - i can't talk about it

49. What are some of your hobbies? - Reading, writing (obviously), listening to taylor swift music, making lists, scrolling through pinterest/tumblr/instagram, watching youtube.

50. What is a superficial yet annoying mistake you constantly make? - I can't spell occasion or occurrence without autocorrect. Idk if that's superficial or annoying to you but it's annoying to me.

51. Are you a good friend? What makes you a good friend? If not, what makes you a bad friend? - I try to be a good friend but I think there are many areas where I can improve. I think I'm a good friend because I'm deeply loyal and I love deeply. But I think I can be a better listener, less controlling (especially when it comes to things I think they should do vs what they actually do), and I'm really bad at making plans with people.

52. Do you honestly learn from your mistakes? - Yes

53. What have you learned the hard way? - That life is fragile and quick and it's not fair

54. What is the most important thing to have in order to attain happiness? - Contentment

55. Which medium do you use for expressing your artistic emotions? (Singing, writing, etc.) - Writing

56. Are you a creative or a logical thinker? - Creative

57. What is the smartest thing you have ever done? - choosing to stan taylor swift

58. What is your ideal meal? - Just give me a cheeseburger, large free and medium fruitopia from mcdonalds, i'll pretend not to have ibs, and we'll call it a day

59. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? - talk about their ex or be rude to the wait staff if we're at a restaurant. those would be deal breakers for me.

60. Do you like animals? Which kind is your favorite? - I love hippos, cats, doggos, otters, hedgehogs, turtles, pigs, goats, birds, and raccoons.

61. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? - paying minimum wage workers minimum wage. give me 800 bucks an hour for this bs thanks.

62. Do you have any guilty pleasures? - cheesy romance novels and buzzfeed quizzes

63. What is the best thing that the internet has ever created? - youtube. what would i do without tutorials and listening to the game grumps play nonsensical games.

64. Do you like playing video games? Which video games? - I really like choice-based video games like Detroit: Become Human. I also really like something low key like animal crossing where I don't have to think too hard and it's more relaxing than anything else.

65. What is your opinion on beauty in today's society? - Impossible and toxic. you'll never be "right" because it's always changing.

66. Are you a morning person? When do you usually wake up? - Definitely a morning person. I'm usually up between 8 and 9. if I sleep in it's because I didn't sleep well the night before.

67. Do you have a favorite Disney movie? Character? - I think my fav disney movie is Mulan maybe? I'm not too sure on my favourite disney character, I think maybe Prince Naveen from The Princess and The Frog??

68. Would you rather live in the city or in the countryside? - Why can't i have bothhhhh. I've equally wanted to live in a cute apartment in a big city AND on a little farmhouse on a countryside somewhere with a large feel and sunrises that make my heart all achey.

69. Would you rather live near the ocean or in the mountains? - Ocean

70. What are the best things about winter? - Christmastime, cozy sweaters, the crunch of snow under your boots, the pretty lights, coming inside where its arm after shoveling in the cold, hot chocolate, the way the street looks at night with just the streetlights, little snow birds in the trees!! so much so much so much!!!

71. What scares you most about the future? - this is going to sound depressing, but all the loss that waits there. like I know there will be change because everything is always changing and nothing can last forever so the idea of everything being different one day or losing people i love really overwhelms me.

72. What makes you feel old? - GenZ on tik toks making fun of millennials. I'm a "Zillennial" I think because I was born on the cusp of both generations so I relate with both but sometimes they say or do things and I feel like a boomer.

73. How many hours do you spend on the computer or phone on average? -The computer roughly three or four. My phone at least eight or nine hours.

74. What are some of your New Year's resolutions? - Practicing gratefulness and being present

75. What is your life story in 6 words? - What the hell? Well, this sucks.

76. Describe yourself in one word. - Gentle

77. What bad habits do you do? - Nail biting

78. What genre of music do you listen to? - Pop, alternative and worship

79. Most prominent childhood memory? - technically my dad dying - Family vacations to BC I think

80. Imagine if you had an older brother. If you already have one, what is it like? If you don't, how would this change your life? - I feel like my mom would be less stressed with household stuff like mowing the lawn, shoveling, moving furniture, etc. I think it would have been nice to have a brother around, especially after my dad died, but it eeez what it eeeez

81. Spirit animal? - tbh idk

82. Do you believe in horoscopes? - No, but they're fun to read on tumblr

83. What is the worst advice you've ever been given? - I don't think I've ever really had bad advice yet but there's always room for some!

84. List the 3 most important people in your life right now. - My mom, my sister, and my best friend megan

85. Favorite memory of your family. - Any of our family vacations

86. What do you look for in a relationship? - Companionship/Friendship, understanding, similar beliefs, loyalty

87. Do you have a role model? Why or why not? - A few. I really look up to Taylor Swift for obvious reasons because she's a wonderful human and an even better business woman. I look up to my dad because of how much he loved God and was kind to everyone, and I look up to my mom because I admire her strength and how her love grows and grows.

88. What is your opinion on social media? - It's toxic but it's part of our normal life now.

89. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? - A little of both. I think I can be really fatalistic when I'm not doing well, but when I'm in a healthy state I'm fairly optimistic.

90. List some things that you think are overpriced? - Makeup, Skin care, dairy queen combos, shampoo and conditioner.

91. What is your worst memory or creepiest experience? - Worst memory is definitely the one where my dad died.

92. What superpower would ruin the world? - Mind control

93. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? - not go to college immediately. according to eighth grade me, i'm a total disappointment and i should have a full time career by now.

94. What lessons have you learned from movies and which movies were they? - I watched the disney movie Soul and I loved it so much because it was about the main character realizing he was always a musician even if he never made it insanely big. it spoke to me about my writing because I want to be a successful author but I loved the perspective of "you're already a writer"

95. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? - Montreal, NYC, Edinburgh are on the top of my list right now. If I spoke french I'd be moving to montreal tbh

96. How do you approach people? - I don't

97. What is your opinion on first impressions? - They're deceiving

98. What are some things you did as a child that you no longer do? - play with barbies for one thing

99. What languages can you speak? - English (and a couple words in french lmao)

100. What do you think society will be like in 30 years? - I can't even think that far into the future I'm sorry

101. What do you do on your lazy days? - I'm always having a lazy day, but lay around, don't do my makeup or hair, watch youtube, fret about the future, don't eat proper meals, listen to TS, scroll tumblr and then instagram, snapchat with my bestie.

102. What ended your last relationship? - I haven't been in one

103. Favorite food? - Cheesecake

104. What is the most terrifying dream you've ever had? - I'm not sure this is the scariest but I had dream a few years ago that I was in this dark house and there was a demon in the basement and it was pulling me in and I was trying to get away but I couldn't because it was literally sucking me in. I woke up with my heart racing lol

105. When was the last time you got seriously angry? - A couple weeks ago at one of my sister's friends bc I disagreed with something they did.

106. What was the last friendship you broke? - I ended a friendship with a friend about a year ago now because I just didn't feel connected to her anymore

107. Do you have any pet peeves? - TONS. people who don't like taylor swift, people who drag their feet while they're walking so their shoes make scuffing noises, people who put money on the counter instead of into my hand when i'm reaching for it, and people who treat me or others like they're stupid.

108. Who was the last person you gave a hug to? - it's been a while but my mom

109. When was the last time you got seriously stressed? - yesterday bc I couldn't figure out how to hand in my project

110. What are your favourite baby names? - I love Gracie, Ryder, River, Elowen, Leila, Sadie, Spencer, Tatum, Santiago, and Ronan. (I'm kind of into Wilder too but I don't know how I feel about it lol)

#survey

0 notes

notgoingtohappen · 6 years

Text

Revenge, Interrupted (Part 23)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Caroline was right.

Something had changed between her and Stefan. It was almost imperceptible; they still got along fine, they still spent the usual relationship-worthy amount of time together. Their friends wouldn’t notice, but when they were alone…

It wasn’t just her hypersensitivity. Since returning from the cabin, this entire week they had been more reserved, less talkative, more distant.

She was sitting on the couch with Elena, trying to listen to her relationship problems, but couldn’t stop her mind from wandering to Stefan.

“–and sometimes, I just want to strangle him! But then… that’s kinda hot, don’t you think? Caroline? Care!”

Caroline started.

“I knew it. Chewing your lip and staring into the distance, the sure sign you’re not listening. Not everyone’s relationship can be perfect! I told Nadia she was dead wrong, it’s Delena that’s in trouble.”

“I’m sorry, Elena. Wait, what?”

“Oh you know, our couple name. Damon and Elena, Delena.”

“No, um, the Nadia thing.”

“Nothing, she just said she got super weird vibes from you at the cabin. Asked me if you’d broken up. Something about Liam being interested in you.”

“No, of course, we’re fine…”

“That’s what I said.”

Bonnie walked in from her room and collapsed onto the couch. “What up, ladies?”

“Nothing, I just think my relationship is dead!” Elena cried dramatically and buried her face in a cushion.

Bonnie exchanged a look with Caroline. Oh boy.

“As for me, I am nervous,” Caroline added.

“Oh right, about your job tomorrow. Don’t stress, babe! You’re perfect for the job”

Caroline sighed. “I know. I just… am gonna obsess over it anyway.”

Bonnie looked around mournfully. “As long as we’re having a pity party, I’m terrified I’ll do something wrong and it’ll mess up a whole class of children and stay with them for the rest of their lives.”

“You are gonna be the best teacher they’ll ever have their whole damn lives, Bonnie Bennett.”

Elena extended an arm without raising her head and hugged Bonnie as she scooted into it.

“Are you guys sick or something?” Came a voice from above them a few minutes later.

The girls looked up wearily to find Stefan Salvatore standing there awkwardly.

“Oh look, it’s the brother. The perfect boyfriend. Blech.” Elena muttered.

“Excuse me?”

“Hey, Stefan! What did you think of your elementary school teacher? Any lasting impressions she made on you? Or any traumas associated with first grade you can recall?”

“Uh…”

Caroline had to save the poor guy. Hauling herself up, she moved to hug him, but he moved to kiss her cheek and it resulted in a really awkward dance that left her best friends snickering.

They were painfully out of sync.

“I’m uh, cooking you dinner. Because of tomorrow.” Stefan announced.

Caroline was touched. “Aw, thank you!”

Moments like these, it hurt to remember none of this was real. To see what they could have for real, but didn’t.

She followed him across the hall and to the Salvatore loft and perched on the kitchen counter, finding it had become an all too familiar spot.

Enzo and Damon greeted her distractedly from the TV and continued gaming. Stefan put some music on his phone to drown the sounds of virtual shooting out and Caroline watched him cook.

Nothing could drown out the memories of the rave from her mind. That night had been mind-blowing. It was an unfair joke on the universe’s part that what she’d told the girls a few days ago turned out to be so completely true: Stefan was the best sex she’d ever had. He made her feel things no other guys had, so easily it seemed almost too natural. Caroline couldn’t get it out of her head for too long, no matter how hard she tried.

She was over being mad at herself for it, though. Now she just had to focus on acting normal with Stefan. On both sides; alone and in front of the others.

It was going to be over soon, she kept telling herself. She wasn’t sure the thought brought more relief or heartache.

“How cheesy do you want the pasta?” Stefan asked.

“Did you say pasta, mate?” Came Enzo’s voice.

“Yeah, but I only made enough sauce for two. Sorry.” Stefan called back.

“Ugh. Pause the game, Enzo, I’m going to order some pizza.” Damon stalked into view holding his phone to his ear, glaring at Stefan.

“Chill out, Damon. He’s just being a good boyfriend” Caroline playfully raised her leg to stop Stefan when he passed by her. He turned to her with an easy smile and she rested her arms on his shoulders, nudging him closer to the counter with her legs. His hands moved to rest on her waist and he kissed her forehead gently.

She swallowed. She was expecting a normal kiss, and this threw her.

Fortunately, Damon and his grumbling came to the rescue.

“Do you two really need to flaunt your perfect relationship in our faces all the time? Some of us have actual problems, you know. I could throw up. Enzo, tell Steffy I could actually throw up.”

Enzo came into view and grabbed a bit of cheese. “Sorry, guys. I think he’s having some relationship problems with El–”

“Shut up, Lorenzo!”

Enzo raised his hands in defeat and swirled a finger near his ear, signalling that Damon had lost it.

Well. Caroline could have predicted that the day they met.

“I blame you four for setting such annoyingly high relationship standards that Elena gets mad at me for everything.”

“Just go talk to each other maybe?” She suggested.

“We just end up having sex,” Damon said glumly.

Stefan pursed his lips with a look that was a mixture of both disinterest and defeat and then went back to cooking.

“Extra cheesy,” Caroline whispered to him. “What the hell, treat yo self, right?”

Damon glowered. “That’s not a problem for you two, is it? I mean both the cheesiness and the sex. The last place I expected to find you drunk Hufflepuffs was upstairs in one of the rooms, but…”

Despite her best efforts, Caroline blushed.

“Back off, Damon.” Stefan snapped, noticing how visibly uncomfortable she was.

“Talk to your girlfriend instead of being a baby,” Enzo said helpfully.

“And we are Gryffindors! Or maybe Ravenclaws.” Caroline added.

“I never figured out which I am,” Enzo muttered.

~*~

Caroline couldn’t stop giggling.

“Candles? Seriously?”

“It’s what I’d do at this point in a relationship, especially on a special occasion,” Stefan said simply.

“Okay, then, I will dress appropriately for your fancy candlelight dinner and be right back.” She laughed and made her way back to her loft.

“Come on, no need” Stefan called after her, but no way was she letting an opportunity to dress up like this go. This was so unnecessary and fun. And cute. None of her exes had ever done stuff like this. But Stefan… it had only been a few weeks and he remained perfect. It was unbelievable. Who wouldn’t want him for real, brooding and messed up exes and all?

“Don’t you look cheerful. Going out?” Bonnie asked from the couch as Caroline walked to the door in strappy heels, eyeing her black gown and elegantly pinned up bangs.

“Nope, candlelight dinner courtesy of Stefan.”

Bonnie smiled. “Have fun!”

Stefan’s eyes widened slightly when he saw her. She’d never get tired of that reaction, she thought happily as she sat down on the chair he pulled out.

She grinned and then raised her eyebrows at him.

He didn’t look too bad himself. Oh, who was he kidding, she was probably mirroring his expression. Stefan Salvatore in a suit made her feel things she shouldn’t be feeling anymore. Or at all. Ever.

“Well as long as we were both committed to the fanciness of tonight,” Stefan explained. “Damon’s sulking in his room” he added quietly.

Caroline nodded.

Honestly, they could probably go on like this for months. They were friends, allies, and it’s not like that much had changed. They hadn’t kissed since they’d got back, and they didn’t even have to talk about what had happened again. It was like they both wanted to forget anything that hadn’t been part of the plan. It was better that way. Everything was fine.

“Are you nervous about tomorrow?” Stefan asked her as he handed her a glass of wine. They’d agreed it wasn’t hard liquor and wouldn’t do any harm.

“A little… okay yes. I want to make a good first impression, get along with the others, prove myself, you know?”

He looked thoughtful. “You’ll be great. Just relax today, get a good night’s sleep.”

She couldn’t help but stare at the shadows the candlelight cast upon his angular face.

“This is amazing,” she exclaimed as she tried the pasta. “Why aren’t you a chef again?”

“Thank you. Why aren’t you an actress again?”

“Ha ha, very funny.”

“The career options are unlimited” Stefan sighed.

“A true power couple.”

Once they’d polished the food and wine and were about to go chill in her loft, Stefan suddenly told her to wait and ducked into his room.

He came out carrying a small velvet box.

“Almost forgot about this.”

Caroline froze. Her heart literally stopped. Marrying a guy this perfect was the dream, and she’d gladly marry Stefan Salvatore (it would certainly fix the problem of her feelings for him being real), but they were too young, they’d just met, and really what the fuck.

Stefan stopped in his tracks when he saw the look on her face.

“Stefan, we’re fake dating, no one said anything about marriage!” She hissed, finding her voice once she saw the ridiculous look on his face.

Stefan looked like a confused puppy, and Caroline felt an instant rush of endearment. Damn it.

“What? No… that’s not… Caroline, it’s a gift I got for you.” He gave the box to her and she opened it curiously, and what the saw took her breath away.

It was a pendant, simple yet beautiful. A deep blue star outlined in silver. The gleaming stone looked like lapis lazuli, and the faint patterns under its surface only added to its charm.

“Oh my god. It’s gorgeous. Thank you, Stefan.” She reached up to kiss his cheek. “You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to. It reminded me of you. Plus, you know, big gesture and all. You said to take care of it.”

Caroline’s heart sank as realisation dawned on her.

Of course that’s what it was.

Before she could collect herself and say something about going to go sleep, the door burst open and in the doorway stood a very determined looking Elena Gilbert.

“Salvatore!” She called out. “We need to talk!”

Enzo emerged from Damon’s room and on seeing Bonnie hanging behind in the hallway, made a speedy exit with her to god knows where. Their beloved diner, probably.

Elena’s gaze landed on the couple standing in the living room. “Oh hey, Stefan. I didn’t mean you. Aw, you guys look pretty. Wait, is that a–”

“Pendant!” Caroline held the box up quickly.

“It’s so cute!”

“Like hell, we need to talk.” They turned to find Damon standing in his doorway. The couple was facing off from opposite ends of the living room and Caroline and Stefan exchanged a look that clearly said ‘run’.

“Stefan, let’s go to my room. I can thank you for this properly.” Caroline winked hurriedly, well aware of how comical it would have looked, and practically dragged Stefan to her loft.

They collapsed against the closed door, safely away from what was going to be a messy fight.

Caroline ducked into the bathroom to change into her pyjamas and washed the makeup off, running her hands through her hair to loosen the pinned locks.

The sight of Stefan sitting on her bed and smiling at her as she got in next to him, made her heart flip-flop against her will.

“So I’m going to sleep now. Feel free to crash here if you want to avoid, you know.” Caroline pulled the comforter over her shoulder.

Stefan took off his shoes and got in beside her. “Okay, thanks.”

When she moved to rest her head on his shoulder, Caroline told herself it had nothing to do with habit. She didn’t prefer to sleep next to him. She wasn’t that far gone.

~*~

When Caroline woke up, Stefan was gone, but she didn’t dwell on it. All her thoughts were focussed on her first day of work.

She grabbed a piece of toast, quickly hugged the girls, and rushed, determined not to be late.

~*~

The day went by smoothly.

Caroline had gotten along with the other two assistants, a goth-looking young woman and a blonde guy, just fine. Her boss and her other co-workers seemed nice enough, and the work looked interesting. The girl had shown her around the place and explained her job to her, and by late afternoon, Caroline was free. Her work hours weren’t that long. Plus, it was the first day, and she just had to shadow them.

Once she was home, she watched some reality TV with Bonnie until she left for Enzo’s for the night, and then Caroline was alone with the daunting task of cooking dinner for herself.

Suddenly, a much better alternative presented itself to her. She dialled Stefan’s number.

“Hey, wanna check out that diner? I wanted to get some dinner.”

It wasn’t too much, she told herself. Friends went for night-time walks to eat meals outside all the time. She may feel more for him because of their messed up situation, but they were still friends, and that’s what his presence was for her.

She kept telling herself that.

#steroline #steroline fics #steroline fanfiction #ri #*attempts to move the plot along*#caroline getting too dependent on stefan and enjoying the relationship too much #stefan acting like a husband and enjoying the relationship too much #them refusing to acknowledge what happened and how it changed things #its all gonna blow up #:-)#also I imagine the pendant to resemble her daylight ring #stefan gave that to her too :'

32 notes · View notes

efurujr · 6 years

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Tourmates Jhené Aiko & Willow Smith Discuss Mushrooms, Magic & Industry Misogyny With Billboard

On a hot late-October evening at a rustic-chic Sunset Strip restaurant, Jhené Aiko lifts and considers a truffle fry before nimbly popping it into her mouth. Next to her, Willow Smith grabs four and crams them all in at once, so engaged in a discussion with Aiko about fantastical art that she exclaims, mid-bite, “Magic is all around us!” Aiko nods: “I learned that on mushrooms.” Smith fervently nods back: “Mother Nature did it for a reason: ‘Here’s something to woke ya!’”

Starting Nov. 14, Smith will support Aiko on her North American Trip Tour, named after Aiko’s latest album (and its accompanying short film), a sprawling psychedelic R&B concept piece about overcoming grief that reached No. 1 on the Top R&B Albumschart. Willow’s surprise second LP, The 1st -- released on Halloween, which is also her birthday -- swirls proggy compositions with left-field folk and soul.

Together, Aiko and Smith seem to embody a new breed of modern hippie: Aiko, 29, a self-proclaimed “NPR girl” in a loose sky-blue frock, steeping her chamomile tea bag with guru-like calm, and Smith, 17, vibrating with energy, in bell-bottom jeans and a black tee that reads in white text, “Got consent?”

But despite their age gap -- and the fact that one woman has been a single mother for nine years and the other is, well, the teenage daughter of Will and Jada Pinkett Smith -- Aiko and Smith have much more in common than an interest in the supernatural. Both were born, raised and home-schooled in Los Angeles. Both were signed as children and marketed to the mainstream -- Aiko as an adjunct member of R&B boy band B2K, and Smith as an actress (2007’s I Am Legend), then as a kiddie-pop star with 2010’s “Whip My Hair,” which peaked at No. 11 on the Billboard Hot 100.

Then, with money and fame hanging in the balance, they each walked away. Aiko took about six years off before starting an alt-R&B solo career flexible enough to allow for esoteric side projects like Twenty88 -- her duo with boyfriend Big Sean, whose self-titled album Aiko has described as “combining stuff like robots and sex” -- and a forthcoming poetry book titled Trip. Willow returned in 2015 with avant-garde soul album ARDIPITHECUS, and often posts genre-flouting collaborations on SoundCloud and a now-defunct YouTube channel (“Frequencies by Willow”) with everyone from The Internet’s Syd to her brother Jaden.

As plates of pasta arrive, Aiko and Smith dive into a wide-ranging conversation, often completing each other’s sentences as they discuss their respective decisions to, as Smith puts it, “take control of not just my music, but my life -- if shit goes south, it’s my fault, but if it goes good, that’s mine too,” and affirming their vows as artists to, in Aiko’s words, “usher in new ways of thinking.”

You last toured together in 2014. Willow, you were 14. What was that like for you?

Willow Smith: Coming out of the “Whip My Hair” days, that was the first time I’d ever toured with artists I listen to [in addition to Aiko, Syd and SZA]. I’d started playing guitar, and that tour really solidified: “OK, I want to be a live musician, to have a music career, for real.” Being around people who were so confident and so set in their artistry was a huge step in the direction of understanding who I really am.

Jhené Aiko: We did that for each other. I’d never considered myself a performer, but now I’m super into how I present these songs. This time, I want to take the audience on a journey, have them feel what I went through -- I want them to think they’re tripping balls. People like Willow and me, we’re super connected to this music and our message. We really want to change the world.

Jhené, what made her right for that tour three years ago?

Aiko: It’s crazy because just following her career and social media, I felt connected to her, especially seeing her talk about being an indigo and a star seed. I saw so much of myself in her.

Smith: Yeah. I’ve followed your music from the beginning and always loved how angelic and sultry your voice is. So when I heard that you wanted me on, I was like, “Whoaaa!”

Wait, let’s rewind a second. What’s this “indigo” thing?

Aiko: So if you look up in the night sky and see this light that’s flashing colors, that’s Sirius. It’s a star system, and it looks like there’s a party going on. What I like to believe in my dreams and imagination is, there’s some of us on Earth that come from there, indigos and star seeds, who are hyper sensitive to feelings and seasons, and in tune with each other without even trying --

Smith: Or even knowing. I’ve read and experienced that many indigos struggle with addiction and heartbreaking circumstances because this reality is not familiar to them. The density of the third dimension is so heavy on their soul, and they yearn to be light, to be in the stars. So you can --

Aiko: Free yourself from the physical and just be pure energy. I started singing when I was really young too, and touring when I was 12, so those were things I would think about and wanted to talk about, but I was home-schooled, so I didn't have many friends on the same level.

Willow, you were home-schooled too, right?

Smith: All my life, except from age 12 to 13 when a family friend was like, “Come to school with me. I’ll help you out.” But I live in the mountains, away from the city, far from people. It was literally me and Jaden in nature hitting cactuses with sticks, so school was really overwhelming. I was that girl: backpack half open, running through the halls, stressed. So I got to see firsthand how it shapes your psyche -- like how you’re always looking for approval. That’s the hugest thing.

Aiko: I started home school in the middle of seventh grade. I loved schoolwork, but the social part was too much for me. I’m a hermit, still. My family goes out, and I’m like, “I’ll be home staring at the wall ’cause I like it.” The past couple years working on Trip, I’d go on road trips or to festivals by myself, meet other wanderers. That’s why we’re doing this tour -- we’re on that wavelength.

I get the sense that there’s something deeper than a big sis, little sis thing going on here...

Aiko: Willow’s a being that has been here before, obviously. I don’t get age. I mean, I have a 9-year-old daughter who has this pure knowledge, and I learn so much from her. I feel like this is my 20th life because from the first moment I can remember, I’ve been over the kid things.

Smith: Yeah, I understand. I don’t know what it is. I felt that way too.

Have you given any thought to how you might spend downtime together on this tour?

Aiko: I want to make music. I’ll have a studio on my bus, and she can come through with her guitar. I’ve also been doing a group meditation the day of a show. I’m reading The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra, and he talks about setting your intention. Mine is to calm people, but I get really nervous onstage.

Smith: What I think is really going to happen on this tour is, like, a feminine energy super bomb. This tour is going to be so potently feminine it’s going to warm your heart.

You’re both into poetry and philosophy. What about a book exchange?

Aiko: A book club!

Smith: I have always wanted to be in a book club. My entry would be The Red Tent by Anita Diamant. It’s about these sisters who lived a long time ago and this tradition of when the women menstruated, they’d all go into the red tent together. They’d have these crazy conversations and spiritual ceremonies and shamanic experiences. It’s about female camaraderie in terrible times.

Aiko: Mine is Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh. He’s a poet and monk from Vietnam. He tells beautiful stories to get across very simple messages. Like how people get agitated in traffic -- he teaches you to take each red light as a chance to breathe deeply.

I can see you two sharing music, too. Who’s an artist more people should know about?

Aiko: Michael Franks, a jazz artist from the ’70s. His voice is like butter, and his writing? So clever. I love jazz because of the range of emotion it can take you through in one track. I’m a fan of John Mayer for the same reason. For Trip, he came in with, like, 50 guitars, and for hours he was coming up with song ideas and melodies one after the other, nonstop.

Smith: Cameron Graves. He plays with Kamasi Washington, and his Planetary Princealbum is the epitome of each musician showing their uniqueness. Not a lot of my peers are open to music that doesn't have vocals.

Aiko: That’s my favorite. I think we should do a jazz album.

Smith: Let’s! Honestly, we can get a bunch of musicians in a room and just vibe out.

You were both signed young and could have followed very traditional career paths, but you took time off and came back to the business on your own terms. What was the moment you decided: “This is my own trip?”

Smith: When I said no to Annie [in 2013]. The script was written, we had paid people, the production was going to happen. A lot of people were putting pressure on me, and I was like, “I have to take the control.” That was scary, standing up to executives who were like, “What? We spent this amount of money. Mmm, you’re doing it.” And I was like, “No, I’m not going to. Sorry.”

Aiko: I was turning 16, and my label contract was up. Everyone assumed I was going to re-sign, but I knew that wasn't who I was going to be as an artist -- I wasn't satisfied singing songs other people wrote. Then when I was 20, I got pregnant. I became a waitress at a vegan cafe but was going through all these new things as a mom and wanted to make music about it. So I quit, and from then on, it was like, “No, this is my vision. You have absolutely nothing to do with this art.”

As young women of color in an industry that is hard on women and on people of color, where do you think that surge of confidence came from?

Smith: You have to see other black women doing them. That’s the only way. I went on tour with my mom when I was Jhené’s daughter’s age, and it was so empowering and beautiful.

Aiko: I never saw a distinction between a man and a woman. My grandparents and my mother were great examples of men and women, and they taught me equality. So I would fight with boys and wear my cousin’s clothes. I would do whatever I wanted, and that’s where I still stand today.

Smith: If you truly believe in equality, you know it up here. [Taps forehead.] It’s how you think. There’s a lot of women doing their thing, expressing themselves in ways I feel weren't possible before. At the same time, a lot of men still spit misogyny like it’s nothing. It’s a forever journey.

Women have been banding together lately to expose predators in the entertainment industry…

Smith: Yeah, and our president. Ahhhhhh! The creepiest dude of all!

Aiko: I’m pleased people are brave enough to come forward, because it encourages others. I’ve always been protected. My mom was my manager. Now my older sister is. Even when I’ve been in sketchy environments, someone always had my back. That’s important. In these stories these women are telling, there’s no real friends around. I have definitely experienced male ego...

Smith: And I’ve ran into situations with white men specifically who are like, “Black girls don’t usually look like you,” or, “Whoa, your hair is lying down. That’s crazy, you actually look pretty!”

What do you want the future of young women in art to look like?

Smith: I don’t want there to always be this stigma of the “female” artist. “Oh, what does it feel like to be a female doing something?” That hurts me.

Aiko: Because of that, a lot of young girls compare themselves to others. Growing up, people wanted me to do choreography. If it wasn't for a supportive mother, I would have been put in the same boot camp. You were born into your own lane -- don’t let anyone push you into theirs. I’m not going to stop evolving until I’m 80. Like, I want to go back to school for astrophysics.

Smith: The arts and the sciences! That’s my whole life. In the future, I think there’ll be a new kind of person who does both. Like... an imagineer!

Aiko: See? I mean, clearly, she’s in her own lane.

Written By Chris Martins / Photography By Nate Hoffman

#jhene aiko #willow smith #billboard #spirituality #interview #article #text #171109 #2017

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dinacharya · 4 years

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Chapter 2. aka, Adele 25 therapy

what are tumblrs for if not for ridiculous oversharing and creeping into people’s lives you have no business being in, right?

disclaimer: it’s a saturday night, 11:45pm to be exact, and i’m 4 hours deep into listening to Adele’s 25 album on repeat. i’ve also micro-dosed. or maybe regular dosed, depends who you ask. For all intents and purposes here, I’m calling it a micro because i very much have a grip even if my trusty wall tapestry is doing pretty things, and I had a very clear intention diving in.

the tl;dr is that this 25-year old’s solo post-break up trip is a fucking cleanse and this is the vibe I’m fully on right now:

lol so, how did we get there:

well waking up from last night’s binge smoking, gaming & sugar session (which was honestly much needed - shout out to the peeps who were there for that) didn’t feel the hottest, obviously. but crushed that shit with more sleep and getting back into jillian michaels* in my living room and eating a healthy lunch and whatnot.

*side note: i’m sure she’s made millions already, but in this era with all the IG fitness models and influencers out there i still think jillian michaels is queen and underrated. 20 mins of jumping around and flailing weights, guided by her via TV is literally all i need to be like woh bitch i’m back. haha.

now: you know how there are just those random people in your life that perhaps weren’t around all that long or maybe they had an impact on you that you only realized later? or maybe you just never shared with them how much they meant to you, because you didn’t even know. so there are a couple of those i’m going to bring up here (no names).

starting with one - a friend from my NYC juice bar days, we spent many a wintery days and hours cooped up in that tiny shop kicking ass honestly with grade A difficult customers. she was one of my favorites to work with - so fun to laugh, with gossip with, just share a space with. i have so many fond memories of night shifts there, snow falling outside the windows. people coming in for smoothies at 10:45pm making us wonder what the fuck?

she was stunning, tall, beautiful effortless skin and bone structure and all that, she just glowed. she was always lifting up other girls around her while shaming herself. i get it, that’s just what we do, that’s what I do. but fact is she was a straight 12/10 no question. anyways, we lost touch. we all know how that whole restaurant went down in sad flames with our owner locked up at rikers (if you don’t know of the psycho saga via vogue’s coverage, and want to hear a first-hand account, that’s for another day, it’s honestly a fun one to tell). so all the people in my life from the restaurant, who were what felt like home to me in NY, kind of faded out with time.

anyways, she’s one of those people for me that still pops into mind from time to time and i just wonder what she’s up to and miss her. so today in my idle morning of moping around, she popped into mind and a quick social media search led me to find her humble page and podcast she’s just recently started - and i ended up listening to a couple episodes because, lord knows i’m a podcast nerd. but i had a chance to hear her story and how much i didn’t know of her background when we were friends back then, and what a light she still was to those around her was pretty amazing. she did say that her time in nyc was a bit of a blur that’s hard to remember because she was struggling at the time. it hurts my heart to know that, but at the same time i definitely can relate. generally i’d say living in nyc, as a student or not, can feel very isolating and while i have a lot of very vivid memories and recollections, a lot of that time is also a blur for me now the more distance i get from it.

anyways, so kind of reflecting on all that this afternoon while mozy-ing around in bed was one part of today’s journey. one bit that was also huge was hearing her talk about her overeating/binge & restrictive eating disorder during that time, which is something i’ve tried to vocalize to my friends and family and even doctor but generally isn’t taken all that seriously. when in fact these habits i haven’t addressed are probably the most crucial detriment to my health. it turns out there’s such a thing as overeaters-anonymous. like AA but for people with compulsive eating problems. that’s 100% me, so this was a HUGE discovery today for me that something like this exists. i’m not going to say i’ll walk straight into a meeting this second, but i’m definitely interested. as carly whose lived with me for the last 3 years could easily tell you better than anyone else, i have a hell of a fucking problem and i don’t even know if i understand it fully myself.

part 2:

coincidentally, around mid day I happened to get a text from an old NY roommate, someone I hadn’t heard from in over a year probably, so it was pretty out of the blue. I always perceived her to be like an older sister figure, a funny lady from Malaysia with a heavy accent and a strong attitude, doing her best to fit into American culture, dating apps, heavy into the astrology shit, and all. Anyways, she hit me up because she was concerned she couldn’t find me on social media anymore (quickly resolved) and she mentioned that she enjoyed seeing my DIY stuff on IG stories and that it was serving as inspiration for some future business she’s been envisioning once she gets out of corporate life in Pittsburgh, PA. It was all endearing and sweet. i have heard from friends before that my IG could be turned into something more if i wanted to, but i’ve never had the heart to put more structure to things that just feel like natural parts of me that i want to remain free, if that makes sense. but it’s still nice to know that out there somewhere in pennsylvania the random things i do in my kitchen and share into the IG ether can serve as a little inspo for a roommate from 5 years ago. also it was just a nice reminder to self that in the same way i have these people i admire and root for and wonder about from a distance, maybe there’s room for me to be someone like that for somebody else i’ve crossed paths with. that makes me happy.

So, part 3: hello, Adele.

i haven’t been shy about admitting the last couple months have been a struggle for me. basically since turning 25. even leading up to the big number, all year really i’d been kind of dreading what this age meant. it just feels like it’s gotta be messy whether i want it to be or not. considering every prior year has been a positive & fairly steady uphill climb, i figured at some point i’d have to pause/break/falter. don’t ask me why, age has always been something i’m glued to. (it’s funny because i don’t own a clock, the one watch i have is tucked into my wedding planner e-kit and only comes out on those days. given my job title and being a virgo and all, time has oddly never been a day to-day concern for me. (those who know me know i am never on time for anything, sorry) but i’ve always been hyper concerned about my age and the expectations (self imposed, inescapable) that come looming with it*. so birthday season usually is just a very introspective time every year where i evaluate where i’m at, the progress i’ve made, what’s holding me back, what i’m proud of, what i’m not proud of.

*quick side story, the person i’ve dated all year always would say our age difference was nothing. but that statement always irked me because it’s far from the truth. every year 20, 21, 22, 23, 24 i’ve felt i’ve learned exponentially about myself and grown. so yeah, there’s a HUGE difference, emotionally/self-awareness, all that, between 22 and 25 if you ask me. like bless my early 20′s for being stoned fun & shit, but girl’s been putting in work too ya know?

anyways, back on track: come time for my birthday this year i didn’t really want to think too hard about it and just wanted to have fun, and i did! it was definitely one of the more fun/eventful birthdays i can recall.

but now, 2 months post-birthday, fresh off of a break up, I’m beginning to see more clearly why I pushed all that usual introspective evaluation under the rug. essentially it’s what i’ve done all year, pretending 22 - 25 is nothing, and that all the work i’d done to get here was whatever. i’d taken steps back self-esteem wise, kind of let my work fall by the wayside just as something to do and not something i was excited about (which is more my norm), and i realize i wasnt being present in the right ways to friendships that mean the most to me. All in favor of some shiny beacon of excitement, being sucked into this vortex of conditional relationships* and “fun” where i frankly just had no place being.

*linked there ^ is a stellar article, when you’re ready for it

THANK GOD FOR MY FRIENDS. seriously i don’t say this enough. I have been FREAKING BLESSED by the people who choose to be in my life. like fuck yo i know it’s FACT i have not been the most pleasant to be around or hear from this year but the true ones persisted and showed me love when I needed it most, were there for me constantly through all the thick of it and still are. like those calls every day just to chat about what the fuck ever, those random “i’m thinking of you’s” and “let’s hangs” mean so much to me in my isolated world of working from home and just being a general homebody type. let me just promise to all of you once i’m out of this present messiness, that I’ll be back on track. i’ve hated being that girl, i’ve heard myself, and i’ve hated it. so while I’ve been kind of MIA morphing into something i haven’t been proud of, thank you to every single friend who’s reminded me there was still something here worthy of your time and your energy and your attention.

*now, much less saving me, I get to start showing up for you guys better too.

i’ve explained this to close friends before who have experienced it with me - psychedelics are one of my favorite ways to get a grip on my life. of course, i understand their role in fun experiences too, but i’ve always valued it first and foremost as a powerful mind-opening tool. (so naturally, i adore michael pollan’s latest book “how to change your mind”.) when i’m feeling overwhelmed or at a crossroads or muddled, i’ve found it to be the most affective way for me to tune into myself, see things with a fresh perspective, and commit to the choices i need to.

so having been on a fucking ride with these breakup emotions, knee deep in self-pity, not knowing what to make of the past year, past month, past week, & where i’m at... i was like,

why the fuck not?

just what i needed on a night to myself to give my soul a fucking cleanse. it’s a convenient weekend to have the house all to myself. read: a good place to be singing at the top of my lungs haha and doing whatever the fuck my single ass wishes all night. somehow along the way, i managed to cook up a pretty A+ tikka masala sauce and prepped a brussel sprouts salad for a dinner with friends tomorrow night, don’t ask me how. i’ve had a spiritual fucking connection to every single song on this Adele 25 album, obviously. idk why it hadn’t occurred to me until doing this that i’m now 25 listening to this album :) so all of this is to say:

Thank you, Adele.

for being a girl i can identify with who marks progress with age, unabashedly tunes into her emotions, and provides breakup comfort like no other. even though i refused to listen to this album until like a year ago

(also can we just take a moment to appreciate that Adele posted this on her own IG profile)

Thanks to those who aren’t necessarily at the frontlines of my life, but have a place in my heart, whether you know it or not, and bring forth some amazing shit or tune in at the right times.

Thank you, most sincerely, to each and every one of my friends that I won’t name here.

Close and far, you’re the ones pulling me out of a drudge of a year where I lost myself and you’re reminding me what I love to do and who I am and it feels good to get a footing again.

~ ciao, finally @ 1:43am.

p.s. below is THE picture of what i’ve been like for the last couple weeks ~ can always count on a new girl reference to have my back heheh

*we can also mark this as the night where i FINALLY get over my weird thing about not liking “Hello.” That shit’s a fucking masterpiece who was i to say anything otherwise hahaha

#journal #woh this some reaaal journaling huh haha

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pajnloki · 4 years

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5 // hello growth

Okay as I was already hinting about writing about this topic which is really important to me, I’ll be starting now. And just a short disclaimer: its going to be very personal and emotional so yah lets go.

We were three. Three teenagers: Each one of us living a different life. In our daily life we saw different people, experienced different situations and we didn’t see each other that often. But the moment we went home we were connected. It sounds ridiculously corny right now but that’s just how it was. It’s weird that in our generation it’s so easy to communicate with people living miles away from you but that’s also a beautiful thing, right? I do know about all those technology criticism but we’re evolving and it’s a process that can’t be stopped anyways and we as humans have always been striving for education, development and improvement. Anyways, back to the actual topic, which is about friendships and everything else connected to that. We were three. It’s an uneven number that alone is already posing kind of a problem, lol. I used to be friends with both separately before we formed or three-man squad. We were like friendship goals lol and I was always so glad that I had those two to talk to. But it wasn’t always like that. I often felt really left out and just as if I was third-wheeling, kind of. Yeah, I often felt like that. As if that one friend liked the other and more and didn’t care about me as much as they did about the other one. It was sad obviously but I just shrugged it off but that feeling always lingers and it’s always in your unconsciousness. However, I was so young and naïve back then that these things really hurt me on a different level. Like it was fr bad because now I’ve changed and these kind of things like “oh they like them more and I’m being left out” … these kind of things really don’t matter me as much as before or like I wouldn’t be hurt by it anymore and I kind of learned and realized how I should be dealing with it the right way. Basically I grew up and matured a lot to be honest. Like I cant even think about my old self because I used to be so innocent and simply a crybaby, which didn’t cry that much but was always on the edge of lol. My past self who was dealing with that feeling of being left out didn’t really know how to handle it. She didn’t know whom to tell her worries and she was feeling hopeless. I was experiencing a situation like that in elementary school and in the beginning of middle school already so I was kind of traumatized. Because you gotta understand I was literally just trying to have some friends but in the end they were like excluding me. And it was ended up being like that I was w h y. QUESTION MARK QUESTION MARK QUESTION MARK. Basically. It wasn’t until grade 7 when I found a real friend. And she was pretty much my friend or the only one I was able to reach out to in daily life. I was young and introverted somehow. My younger self was extremely in the “I only need one friend” mode so I was only friends with that one girl from 7th grade to like 10th grade. For these whole three years I only had one close friends, but I did have some other viet friends as well. The school system in Germany is kind of confusing because we’re in classes until grade 10. So my school had classes from A to D with 30 people in each class. But the moment you get into grade 10 the classes melt together into one big one and from there on it depends on which subjects you’ve chosen. That means that mostly have different people in different subjects. It was a whole new experience for my introverted ass. But like I wasn’t your stereotype intro-girl. I’m pretty open-minded and I can talk to people really easily it’s just that making close friends is hard. Just talking in school and joking around is totally okay though. So yeah in 10th grade I had to opportunity to talk to many different people and I started bonding with lots of them because I think I’m a pretty fun person to talk to ;) like I was always really up to date with all the memes and slangs and stuff because I used to be in lots of fandoms (hints: weeb, kpop lol bye kms) and I just knew the trends and stuff. And it’s also important to understand that I literally had one friend and she also only had me in school so we were like an inseparable duo. <3 And we weren’t one of the cool kids because I didn’t own a phone till I was like 15 years old or so and I never actually got to get close to the cool kids. All the cool kids from each class were friends which each other, considering the fact that friendships outside of one owns class wasn’t really common. So during class 10 all those cool people and the popular kids were like THE SQUAD everyone wanted to be friends with. I also went through a lot of changes during that time. I used to look really nerdy and my mum mostly bought my clothes but my style and look changed drastically. It was a sort of glow up.. probably. I’m not really sure but I definitely started to look way cleaner and just had a better sense of style. It was the start of me being interested in fashion and all that stuff and I just generally speaking developed a conscious were I started to think way more mature and I literally grew so much that year. I mean I was always an open-minded person who had a lot of different interests: I had phases where I liked kpop and anime and gaming and stuff. So also had discord and was talking to like all the guys so I got pretty close to them and I started started to get closer with some other girls but was never really part of that cool squad. I never saw the need to join them anyways so I was okay with me having my two friends and discord friends or so lol. It wasn’t until 11th grade when I really started to get close to people. As I already said before it’s really hard for me to bond with people on a closer level unless we have a lot of common interests but I was able to bond some. I mean there were already some people I was close to since my class but we weren’t like THAT close to the point where we would meet up in our freetime every day or so. It was just sometimes u know. But then I went to a trip because of the IB and I started to become really close to that one girl and we clicked immediately. Through her I kind of got into that cool squad and I already knew most of the people in there because some of them were in my class and they liked me. I became a like “squad member” somehow because my one friend (the one since grade 7) also started to get close to different people and we both kind of found new people and so we kind drifted apart BUT LIKE NO. It wasn’t as if we stopped talking but it was just that we kind of got into different squads. I was extremely sad because it was always just us two but then we grew up and met other people. It’s normal of course but I did feel a tad emo. Grade 11 was really the turning point of me and my friendships. I kind of met tons of new people and got close to some and dropped some but in the end I found my real close friends like my real squad. My current squad consists of me and three other girls. And all three of them used to be in my old class. We already knew each other and also met each other a few times but wasn’t as if we were that close. But it’s important to note that this big cool squad’s actually pretty toxic and shady but we weren’t really supportive of their behavior of judging others and their doings when we’re all flawed and all doing mistakes and having other values. So we as the “supportive” ones grew very very close and now we’re like the best friends (not a big fan of that word but that just kind of describes how much I love them). The three of them were already really close before so it was pretty much just me being the new one but It was never awkward we clicked SO WELL. And we’re still extremely close and we love each other and it’s just so nice when we’re together because there’re only good vibes which is not so often with that “cool” squad since they’re all really toxic and started to realize that the moment I got close with them. I did try to change them but it didn’t actually work out so I try to tell them when they’re being rude but I just distanced myself a bit. YES. And I already explained. 11th grade was WEIRD. And it changed me and made me the person I am know. Ofc every single year is influencing me but I feel like grade 11 really had the biggest impact on my values and morals and how I want to be treated and how I want to treat others. I mentioned it in the beginning that I had two friends and they were living in different cities. We met each other in like 2015 and were still going strong. Kind of. We always hung out on discord and pranked others and we always met each other in each other’s cities and it was nice. But I started to feel left out as I explained and also said that it may be due to my low self-esteem back then which didn’t come back until grade 11! So when my self-esteem rose again I knew how I wanted to be treated and how I want to feel. If people make me sad and cry I can’t call those my friends and one of them was just making me feel worse day after day and meeting after meeting until someday when I decided: no more. I couldn’t deal with it anymore and I started to ignore both of them because I didn’t what to do and how to do it but I needed space. And time to think about our friendship. I only had a problem with one of them but it felt wrong to just “attack” one. I was scared and I felt sorry. I started to ignore them for like a week and they were hella worried cause they obviously didn’t know what was going on especially since they both live somewhere else. And when I felt really to speak up I told that friend what was bothering me and how hurt I was. I talked and I cried because it was really stressing me out. I also tried to say in a reAAALLY nice way to not offend her in any way. But it didn’t work out I guess because she then answered with a long ass text and implicitly said I was at fault. It kind of escalated and in the end we couldn’t talk about it because she blocked and deleted me everywhere. And there was still the other friend who was in the middle of us. She was like between us and didn’t know to handle the situation as well since she was friends with both of us. So it got awkward and it took us both quite some time until we grew close again and now we’re stronger than ever. The two of us. She still feels awkward telling me about her meeting the other friend but im okay with it. However yesterday she suddenly sent me a voice message where she was at a amusement park with the other friend and they both talked. And I heard her voice and I felt like a clown. Her sending me that felt really really weird and it was just uncomfortable but I couldn’t tell her because I didn’t want that whole situation to happen again so now im here feeling hella confused and exhausted. Idek what to write anymore because im so dead inside so im just gonna leave this draft here like I didn’t even check for correct spelling and stuff so yolo. Just wanted document how much ive changed during the last few years and how proud I am of me actually for finally understanding my worth.

#pajnapple5

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thedaveandkimmershow · 6 years

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Turns out “memory lane” for me is basically I-5 going north from Seattle to Vancouver. It’s a drive that’s filled with overlays from the past and, as the missus ‘n I drove to Bellingham on Monday, a lot of those memories were brought front and center once again.

We didn’t even have to get out of the drive before a memory poked its head out.

For example, and for starters, we already live a few miles north of what I used to think of as Canada. I mean, not literally Canada, but soooooooo far north that it might as well be.

The place I’m thinking about was actually a kennel to which my dad and I were taking our beagle, Rusty, back when I was a kid. This would be the northiest north part of Lynnwood. And however we reached this remote area from Magnolia, the last bit was done on 99, take a right at the red clock building, take the very next right after that, then drive down to the end.

So we’re on the road now, up I-5 passed Everett. Coming down into the valley after downtown, Dagmar’s Landing is always a memory. An olfactory memory. Because this whole area used to stink. Really it did.

That was also back when I was a kid... paper mills, I think.

Whatever it was... it. was. nasty.

Keep driving and, of course, Marysville. Where our dear friends, the Ramos family, lives. We always give a wave of the hand as we pass by.

Mostly a mental wave of the hand.

But you get the idea.

After the casino, it’s Seattle Premium Outlets. I especially remember this place ‘cause the last time we were here... my hands were literally freezing.

Not a great memory. But it sure sticks with you.

Next up, 172nd Street NE. Smokey Point. An area that itself has no particular significance other than it’s where we’ve exited to reach three destinations west of I-5.

The first is Lake Ki. When she was in grade school, Linzy ‘n I and her uncle and cousin came out here disturbingly early one morning to fish.

So yeah.

We did that.

Not too far after Lake Ki, Country Burger. And I love this place. Looooooooove it. It’s on the way to Warm Beach... but we’ve actually driven all the way out here just to eat here.

No kidding.

You should definitely check it out yourself.

Almost all the way to the water, Warm Beach Camp. We spent time up here with family as well as called it home for a few days of Winter Camp for Kids during a week that included Valentine’s Day.

And yes... Kimmer did her camp medical provider thing and I helped.

What was nice... was that we were set up in our own cabin.

:-)

Back on I-5, coming up on highway 532, the Stanwood exit, I’m always reminded of Stanwood Foursquare Church because my very first Kid’s Camp gig was accomplished without my own computer. I had my own consumer-grade video camera, sure, but as for a Mac...

I used theirs.

Drove up here to borrow it. Drove back here a week later to return it.

It was an awful lot of driving, but worth it as the church was gracious enough to loan me the use of their own Mac.

La Conner’s never been that big a deal for us, but every time we come up on Conway, WA, not even a proper town but a Census Designated Place, I’m reminded of a wedding we attended out here. Somewhere.

I know it was a classic white-painted church. I think a steeple, definitely two stories. Barely on the west side of I-5.

I also know the reception was in La Conner and driving between the two was pretty straightforward. Conceptually, anyway. There were actually a lot of turns and curves and unlit roads involved.

Can’t actually find it on Google Maps where I figured it would be... but I still always think of it around these parts.

North, still, there’s an area where you kind of descend a little into another valley. It’s not super dramatic or anything, but you notice it.

And every time I do... I think:

Arlington.

Of course, were I to print that in the paper or broadcast it on TV, you could definitely call that Fake News.

Remember that exit for Warm Beach?

Arlington’s on the east side of I-5 at that point.

Still... this is where I always think Arlington.

And probably always will.

As you pass through the area, eventually a county road parallels the freeway. Somewhere along here, back when I was a kid driving this way with my parents, was a little stand where they sold honey. I remember we stopped there once to buy some. Don’t know if it’s still there. I didn’t see it this trip.

I just think honey along this stretch of road.

Okay so the area I think of as Arlington is basically the outskirts of Mount Vernon. The overpass you see below is, for me, the sign that we’ve entered the town proper.

Is that true?

No idea. I’ve always just thought that when I was a kid. Pass under the road and BAM.

Mount Vernon.

Couple things about Mount Vernon is that there used to be a 2-3 story brick building here that was a bookstore. Kimmer ‘n I actually stopped in town once to check it out. Nowadays, I don’t think it’s there anymore. Not in the brick building, anyway.

The other thing is that one year a bunch of college friends and I did a Skagit Valley bike ride. A totally doable thing ‘cause it’s all flat in the valley.

I think we parked in town and rode our bikes across that bridge below toward wide open spaces.

That’s what I remember, anyway.

Burlington and Highway 20 is another major crossroads in my life.

For one, I remember going on the Skagit Tour when I was a kid. You basically drive I-5 from Seattle to Burlington, head east about 60 miles on the North Cascade Highway and...

There you are.

I caught this description in the June 16, 1977 edition of the Centralia Daily Chronical. It matches what’s still rolling around inside my head.

“The regular tour is generally available by prepaid advance reservation only. This fully-guided four-hour visit begins with a complete orientation at the Diablo Tour Center and includes a ride on the incline lift, a boat cruise to Ross Dam, a tour of the Ross Powerhouse and an all-you-can-eat family-style meal.”

https://newspaperarchive.com/centralia-daily-chronicle-jun-16-1977-p-7/

The thing I have an actual visual memory of, though, is this.

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Lift_at_Diablo_Dam,_1954_(40496828082).jpg

It’s the incline lift near Diablo Dam.

They don’t use it anymore on the tours, but when they did, it had this kind of capacity.

And I loved riding it as a kid.

Prolly still would.

http://www.funimag.com/photoblog/index.php/articles/us-the-great-era-of-lost-american-funiculars/seattle-diablo-skagit-4/

I’m actually thinking about redoing that tour someday. But I am bummed about the incline lift.

Here are a few more details about the tour...

https://www.goskagit.com/funicular-lift/image_4d742320-f3c8-11e2-8e32-001a4bcf887a.html

Okay so say dams, tours, and hydroelectric power isn’t your thing. About 60 miles further east on the North Cascade Highway you’ll find a town pulled from the old west.

At least it’s got that vibe.

We actually drove out here once to hang out in a nearby cabin with friends.

We got a late start on the evening we were supposed to catch up with them and, by the time we hit Burlington, it was super dark. And we had no appetite for driving Highway 20 that way. So we figured a hotel for the night. Only, there was some kind of sports tournament going on at the time and all the hotels were booked.

As were all the hotels in Mount Vernon.

We basically had to backtrack about 20 miles to find a room at the inn.

Yeah.

Winthrop was cool, though. The next day.

Okay. We’re back at Burlington and Highway 20. We’re not any further north, but west of here I remember a great country breakfast kind of place painted red from top to bottom with white trim. It’s a place I’m pretty sure we must’ve spotted from either I-5 or on our way to Deception Pass. Certainly there wasn’t a way for us to just know about it.

Of course, like that little church I mentioned earlier... I can’t find it where I was pretty sure it would be on Google Maps.

UPDATE (11/10/2018) Found it! It’s called the Skagit Valley’s Farmhouse Restaurant. And my memory was completely off as to its location. Turns out, we never spotted it from I-5. Not even once. Kimmer ‘n I spotted it from Highway 20 on our way to Whidbey Island one time. It’s also not “painted red from top to bottom with white trim”. So I don’t know what that’s about. All I know is... it’s still here. :-)

Kimmer ‘n I managed to eat there once and it. was. delicious.

Back on Highway 20, drive another 20 miles across the valley, then across Fidalgo Island, then across a pair of iron bridges onto the northern tip of Whidbey Island.

Right down below is where my family spent a lot of picnic time when I was growing up.

We even came here once with my Aunt Esther and her family. She had a 16mm film camera with her and managed to capture the most embarrassing moment of my grade school self ever.

To this day, it’s the most embarassing moment of my life.

And I’m pretty sure she still has that film.

My dad liked to gather a lot of the naturally polished rocks here which, I’m pretty sure, gave him the idea to buy a rotary rock tumbler that he set up in our garage. It always seemed to be running.

From Burlington north... next stop’s Bellingham which I always thought was this.

It’s actually Fairhaven, one very Instagram-friendly neighborhood of Bellingham. Calling Fairhaven Bellingham is like calling Pioneer Square Seattle.

But this is where I always ended up on those few occasions in my life I found myself in Bellingham so...

I thought this was Bellingham.

Yeah.

Bellingham, of course, is much more. And last Monday we had an opportunity to explore it just a touch more thoroughly. Enough to finally understand that Bellingham isn’t what I thought it was.

And this:

The photograph below is Haggens, up the hill from Bellingham Marina. Broadway, take a left on Meridien. You’ll find it by the time you hit Illinois Street.

Anyway.

The thing about Haggens is this is the grocery store Kimmer’s talking about whenever she talks about the grocery store at which she worked when she went to Western Washington University. The one she rode her bike down to from her dorm. And then back up again.

The one she worked at that one time when she fell asleep in her dorm and woke up thinking it was the next morning when it was actually evening of the same day.

Thought she missed her shift, you see.

That Haggens.

This one here.

And there you have it. My trip up Memory Lane. North Edmonds to Bellingham. It’s a fast drive getting there, a little over an hour (which surprised both of us).

But it covers decades of pretty awesome memories.

:-)

#memory lane #memories #places #Bellingham #Burlington #Smokey Point #growing up #adulting #empty nesting #road trip #a sunny day

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the-rift1 · 6 years

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@ that anon who asked me about the “talk about” post

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

I have a lot of favorites… mm I’d say inside out was probably my most favorite. And the reason why was well, it was the first time I met Aaron, which was cool, but also it was a movie that had like a headspace, although a lot more creative, and it was almost representative of how my mind works.

2: Talk about your first kiss.

My first kiss was in 7th grade on a field trip, when all the girls in my dorm room (just 3 other peaps) figured out that I never had been kissed. So when we played truth or dare, I said dare and one of the girls dared another to kiss me. God I was an awkward mess, and then I basically had a crush for like 4 years on that girl who kissed me. (yike) 3: Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for.

Jesus, uh, well, they’re the love of my life and even though it’s been rough from the very beginning, they mean too much to me for me to let go, and even though they live like a thousand miles away from me I still want to have a life with them eventually, and just, I want them to be happy. 4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

I regret nothing, really. It’s kind of my philosophy to do things so I don’t regret never doing them. Well, I guess there’s one thing. I regret never being able to stand up to my mom when I was younger, but I don’t think that would have been possible if I was younger since I was still unable to put any distance between me and her, and her temper was very very short. So I guess there’s not much to regret.

5: Talk about the best birthday you've had.

It was my last birthday where I got to get together with my friends and we had a brunch and then they gave me two tiny derg plushies that were absolutely adorable because they were mini versions of my big Martin plushie and they’re Ginko and Safier. And I also got a handmade birthday card from Aidan which was neat cuz it had a derpy peridot n stuff. And then we went over to Aidan’s house and @fishdetective was there too and we had a hardcore battle of monopoly and then also played chessclock jenga. A couple days either after or before, I also got my first car!

6: Talk about the worst birthday you've had.

It's a hard tie between when I turned 15 or 16 and my parents just completely forgot my birthday or when I had to give my final senior honors project presentation which ironically fell on my birthday.. But I got to have tiramisu cake afterwards, so, I guess it wasn’t too bad.

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.

I’m always afraid I look dumb in front of other people, idk. I try not to think about it and just tell myself that I really don’t care. Also when I wear new clothes, even if it’s like, a different type of flannel, I get pretty nervous. But after a day of wearing it or something, I’m fine.

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

It would either have to be my own computer that I made which is an absolute gaming and art monster if you ask me, or my 6 foot long drawing, or my carey mask. I have a GTX 1080 with an i7-7700k core and also 24 gbs of ram, and about 2.5 TB of storage that fits in like, a small workstation tower with a budget of about 2000 dollars. And I’m going to make an even smaller one with about the same specs for my mom later this month cuz she has an 8 year old laptop and idk honestly how she gets anything done on that. I think I’m also pretty proud of Martin Dovohd and the creation of his adventures with Avery and Safier and Quinn, although we’ve never pinned anything solid down (because I’m a busy person and a lazy artist).

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

Whaaallle I like my hair cuz it’s rad but it needs a trim cuz it’s getting too long.. mm I like my hands, even though they’re tiny, but they function pretty well.

10: Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had.

I’d say the biggest fight was more like a physical and verbal beatdown from my mom and me silently taking everything because I was basically 12 years old…. Good times….

11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had.

Best dream? I was able to shapeshift into a dragon and do all kinds of shit. It was pretty long ago so I can’t recall, but I remember having an epic battle against another bigger red dragon and barely winning.

12: Talk about the worst dream you've ever had.

Um, probably one of the ones where I was raped or lost forever, or in a world where I was forgotten and people like close friends n stuff just don’t know who I am, or that one where I was being chased constantly by a murderer. Being shot by my best friend, straight in the head, on my knees. I got pretty dramatic dreams lol

God I just remembered last night’s dream which was fucking WILD because I was on this colonial ship, and idk if I was a stowaway or something, but I think there was this disease that started to spread and everyone was dying, so the captain decided to send me off on an escape pod and I was cryofreezed. So I ended up in a completely different solar system but I was sent to a prison since I wasn’t properly admitted and it was considered trespassing. I just remember seeing a sliver of a window to the outside world of the planet, and it was so vibrant and green.

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.

It was alright, neither of us came actually.

14: Talk about a vacation.

Ok since it wasn’t specified, DREAM VACATION: Going to Japan, seeing cherry blossoms, trying out their hot springs, going to Tokyo, mmm idk. I don’t really have a specific itinerary planned. And then I would want to also go to Quebec city, and try out all the cool food they got and also go cross country skiing, and check out the snow festival. And then there’s that one place where it’s a snow hotel or something? Maybe that’s in France. I don’t remember. Also, I would love to road trip the entire US in a tesla. Specifically a self driving one cuz who wants to be at the wheel all the time lol. I also want to go to Sweden where I think they have a museum dedicated to machines playing music and it’s so neat. Oh yeah, I can’t forget about Yellowstone. And camping out there a night or so, when the sky is clear, and you get to see a million stars. Of course, this wouldn’t be worth anything if I couldn’t do it with someone tho. I think that’s where it’s the most fun.

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

In Rowan’s arms, when we first met. God, all I could think about then, was that, “I made it. I really made it. And it wasn’t all for nothing.” One of my dreams came to reality, and the only thing that I could have asked for more, was more time with him.

16: Talk about the best party you've ever been to.

Mmmmmmmmmm I’ve never really been to a party like a frat party, so, uh idk

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

There’s this person at one of the dining centers that has really rad blonde hair and they just give out rad vibes and I just want to talk to them but I am just a bad nerd derg who can’t amount to their level. So. Yeah lol…

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.

I said fuck in third grade because my ‘friend’ wouldn’t stop singing “three little pigs” despite me saying please stop, and I got really frustrated and yelled, “Would you please fucking stop?” lol I broke down crying afterwards because everyone was staring at me in silence.

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.

Rumors started spreading about how my friend who was a boy, that we “liked” each other, when in fact, we were just really good friends, and we agreed on the matter that that’s how it was and that people were trash. God he could make me laugh anytime even when I was super sad. It sucked that he had to transfer out when it got to high school though.

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.

Man, high school was fucking rough.. socially. I lost almost all of my middle school friends by the time I was a sophomore and I basically stuck to tumblr for comfort, cuz the school is very small and people already formed cliques that was already too late to join. I also wasn’t interested in them, since no one was a weeb like me. I really don’t want to talk much about this. Sorry.

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

On what? What does this imply, relationship? Mm I broke up with Aaron but for the most part, literally everyone else leaves first. Or just straight up rejects me, it’s pretty lit.

22: Talk about your worst fear.

I have a lot of fears and one of the worst ones is that I lose my hands, or that I lose my precise motor functions and I can’t draw, do labwork, or play the piano, etc etc…. Also abandonment, and just ending up as an old hermit. No, actually, I think my worst fear is just rejection. If I knew that there wasn’t a possibility of being loved n stuff, I think I would be pretty content with just myself and just living in the woods with a solid internet and my computer and maybe some doggos and other pets.

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down. Lord, alright. So I think one summer, I applied to five jobs as like a cashier or something and they all rejected me so I think that was pretty weird, and then on the other hand a day after or so, I see one of my peers working as a cart pusher and I just felt so annoyed. Not at them, just exasperated.

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. Well, someone told me that they would always love me. I find that hard to believe, personally, maybe because my mom told me that no one would love me unconditionally unless they were my parents. And some part of me always believed that, and another part of me always wanted to find evidence to refute it.

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

Ahsdkjflajhfdkljs how about let’s not

26: Talk about things you do when you're sick.

Lay in bed, groan, eat soup and produce a lot of mucus. I would usually game and watch movies if I had the luxury to, or just do hw. And also feel sad because I probably wouldn’t be able to see anyone and couldn’t hang out with ppl.

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else's body.

Hands are really interesting. And also the worst to draw. But there’s just so much variance in people’s hands, which I think is cool.

28: Talk about your fetishes.

Um 29: Talk about what turns you on.

What 30: Talk about what turns you off.

Thrussy

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

Dark. Cold. Nothingness. Just, a stop. Maybe I get to be reincarnated as a rock or something. Or there’s a place for souls. No one knows. Idk.

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

I remember that there was a lake, like a block from my house and on special days with my Gramps I got to take out my toy motorboat and play with it but most of the time it got caught on the algae.

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

I game. I just distract myself to the point that I forget everything else. And I also watch cartoons n stuff.

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured.

Probably that one time where I fell and the gravel gouched out a cubic centimeter of my knee. I bled pretty consistently and my mom had to pull out bits of rock when I got back home from that.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. I wish I could stop wasting so much time and actually doing important work lol. I don’t particularly have any nasty habits, really. I never bit my nails or sucked on my fingers.

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures. hoarding chocolate. Hoarding food in general, and buying unnecessary tech stuff for myself. Also buying games when I already have too many to play with.

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. I’m pretty sure I was in love with the people who I “think” I were in love with? I don’t really understand this. Is this about like, past ex’s? I know who I love. Or I could interpret “in love” as a crush? Mm okay. Let’s have it that way. I had an infatuation with this girl who low-key reminded me of betty boop but like a better, sexy version of it. Her makeup was always on point and just had a really good aesthetic, and then I also found out that she liked hardcore metal, which is cool, but not my taste. So, like, super amazing aesthetic that was probably incompatible with mine.

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

There’s a lot of songs that remind me of people, but mainly Rowan and Aidan. Anything by Porter Robinson reminds me of the time when I was with Aaron. The Muppet song where they go “mnah mnah doo dooooo do do do” reminds me of Hila and that used to trigger me for a while but I’m chill with it.

Some main ones that remind me of Rowan:

Paradise Valley by Honey and the Sting

Honeybee by the Steam Powered Giraffes

I Know You're Out There by Stephanie Mabey.

Ones that remind me of Aidan:

Give Up by the Postal Service

BGC418 by Big Giant Circles and also their entire Imposter Nostalgia album

any song by Wintergatan

39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier.

I wish I figured out what feelings were. Like, when I was young, I never made the connection between the words and the emotions that those words described. For the two years of me crushing on that girl I talked about earlier, I didn’t understand what my attraction meant. And that it was also okay to be gay. Yeah I wish I knew about that whole ordeal, and also how to socially navigate my way through high school n shit. I also didn’t understand the connection between the word guilt, and the feeling. I just knew I felt super awful and it was a really terrible pain in my chest and hands and that I just wanted to die from it.

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

I don’t know, I’m pretty young, and there’s a lot of things that are just starting. I guess you could say it’s the end of the number of bad things that’s happened to me in grade school and the end of the ridiculous amount of bullying I had there, and hopefully never comes back.

#ask #thanks anon #took me a solid hour #anonymous #dragon talks

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