#like... did they not realize how much of the younger generation is more openly queer and thus would naturally engage with TOG

[thatonesapphicfilipino]

think i mentioned this before but i am so happy that kids now hv positive queer media

like for me the first queer person i saw on tv was prob cyrus from andi mack and that was like one of (if not) the first openly queer person in a disney channel show

and back then cuz that was the only openly queer media i had i was honestly confused but yk inference skills and at this time i was prob like just younger than my sister is now

(ngl when cyrus first said “i like jonah” (like the guy at the school) i was like “doesn’t everyone??”)

then obviously when it came to my personal self discovery it was/has been very hard to find the right words for how i feel bc of the communities i’m in irl

like when it came to gender i was so confused for so long and i remember finding the term that fit me and just smiling so hard my cheeks hurt for the next hr or so (i’ve realized not that i’m not so comfy with that term but wtv)

even now i’ve had some issues with being bi cuz of my very little interest in masculinity and just recently thats to this place i’ve found (at least rn) security in my sexual and romantic orientation

now compare that to my younger sister

she has all this queer media around her and has come out to me at such a young age

like she is so good abt peoples pronouns and will point out gender queer representation when she sees it

ex. 1 watching zombies 3 cuz why not and theres a non binary character cuz yk aliens or smth and my dad walks into the living room and a character goes “…they…” and my sister goes “DADDY DID U HEAR THAT THEY” or smth

ex. 2 she got a plant as like a give away thing and she comes up to me and my friends and goes “this is @&£]*% thye use they them pronouns” and yes it’s a plant but yk the lorax spoke for the trees we’re gonna go with it

and she’ll watch shows with queer people (mostly cuz i watch shows with queer people) and join me in the shipping or wtv and just be wholly and completely fine and understand this

that goes to show that if kids hv these resources they will understand it i didn’t grow up with this up she has

⚠️tw mentions of homophobia and religion⚠️

now a bit more serious but

my sisters queer is into queer media and yk knows of queer music

and if u know toh (the owl house) u know that early on in the show a character in the show was very much associated with the song little miss perfect so i showed it to her (and obvi ordinary when it came out)

now at one of the first days of school that year she told her class at our catholic school her favorite songs were little miss perfect and ordinary

at this time she didn’t know abt homophobia and i am so glad for it but obvi very religous school with tons of parents who hv more rightist views so i tried to explain to her infront of our parents that there were tons of people who didn’t like queer people at school

it absolutely sucked telling my sister that she had to hide who she is bc some people suck

⚠️tw stuff done with⚠️

this is all to say that for the next generation, can we pls make so that they don’t hv to hide who they r for their own safety can we pls make things like being queer more out there so people don’t hv to look everywhere for a place that fits them

for the next generation can we pls make the difference

#lgbt representation #representation matters #queer representation #queer community #for the next generation #mental health is important #biromantic #bi #bisexual #gender queer #anti homophobia #anti transphobia #justice for queer kids #queer kids #andi mack>> #you don’t suck*

[cobble-stone]

🔥 - How has the way you think about yourself changed since you realized you were queer?

🌼 - If you used any other labels before your current one, what were they?

🌾 - How queer do you think you look? Would it be obvious to someone that you were queer if they looked at you?

🌱 - How would your younger self act if your current self told them they were queer?

💙 - When you first learned about the Queer community, did you immediately realize ‘That’s me!’ Or did you consider yourself a ‘really good ally’ for some time?

🔥: When I first figured out that I was queer it kinda like- it was very much a “ah. so that’s why Things Are the way they Are,” with the way they Are being the reason i felt so- other, to everyone else. I later figured out the reason for said othered feeling was actually because i was autistic. Figuring out I was trans was more- it was a lot harder and not an immediate “yes that’s me,” and while there’s been difficult parts, it’s largely been a very good thing for me. I started putting more effort into how I look/present because I wasn’t just completely apathetic towards my appearance, I actually- had ways that I wanted to look and realized I could feel happy in my appearance instead of just trying my best to ignore it

🌼: I identified as a lesbian for like….three? Years? From when I was 12 until I was 15. It turns out I was not a lesbian, I just didn’t want a romantic relationship where I was “the woman,” which meant even just the thought of dating men was very uncomfortable for me. I started questioning my gender properly when I was 15, and realized I was nonbinary. I just identified as gay and nonbinary but like gay in the “every attraction I experience is gay” way. Now I’m just unlabeled and a trans man, I’ve tried finding labels but like- nothing fits? I’ve tested out identifying as aroace, as gay, as bi, as combinations, and like. I’ve just come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter sexuality is a social construct I can just do whatever. I have no canonical sexuality feel free to impose whatever headcanons you want onto me as long as you know they aren’t canon

🌾: I used to look a lot more queer, but I decided to go mostly stealth at college (I’ll tell people I’m trans if it’s relevant but like- most people just accept i’m just Some Guy), I was only really openly trans in high school because I had to be in order for people to know I was a guy. The dyed hair (I have an underbleach) and my general style is like- vaguely edgy. Like if someone diluted an alt kid. I don’t immediately look queer but I also don’t immediately look straight. I used to put in more effort but like I’m tired man I don’t want to get all dressed up just for class every day

🌱: I think if I told (deadname) or Blue that she turned out to be a guy she would be. Very confused. I was not a tomboy as a kid at all, I honestly had very little concept of gender or sexuality for a long time. It used to be kinda distressing for me and it was why I was hesitant to identify as a trans guy for a long time- it’s kinda the common stereotype for a trans person to always just know, and I didn’t just know. How I see it now is like- (deadname) and Blue are separate from who I am now, (deadname) and Blue weren’t a guy, but I, Cobalt, sure am.

💙: Kinda both! When I first realized I was queer it was cause I saw “women could kiss women,” took the Strange Discomfort at the idea of dating men, did the math wrong, and immediately went “ah yes. i’m a lesbian.” I then very much was “just a good ally” about trans people for three years, to the point where my logic was “I can’t possibly be trans, that’d be transphobic of me.” This was especially doubled because I was just starting to poke at my transgenderness right as the end of the truscum era of the trans community, and like- my general opinion was “everyone is valid regardless of their identity or dysphoria but *I* can’t be trans *I* don’t have dysphoria.” (despite the fact that i did have dysphoria, it just wasn’t the stereotype of dysphoria just being “overwhelmingly bad body dysphoria” so I thought I didn’t .”

#cobble’s tones #ask games #hello anon hope you’re having a good day :) #oh god i talked for a while. my bad kdgdkdjdh i have lots to say about my trans identity #long post

[merlinmyrddin]

Hello!

Can you recommend me some very underatted gay movies? (I prefer comdey or happy ones if it's possible)

I recently came to realize i am a 23 man who happens to be gay. I don't know what took me so long.

Hello! I am sorry for the time it took me to answer you, but your ask has been playing constantly in my head now for weeks and I had to go down nostalgia lane film-wise...!

I'm also sorry for how long this answer is, I got carried away!!!

So first of all, I am damn proud if you. I know it sounds like empty words but whether you're 13, 23, or 45, being able to say you have found your inner truth is always something to be proud of! And what took you so long? It didn't. We are living in times where people want you to believe you are meant to have your sexuality and/or gender figured out by 18 when in reality, I know more people doing their coming out in their 20's/30's. Because when it comes to being gay, lesbian, bi, trans and queer : this last decade has seen some major changes. But it's ok for people born late 80's and 90's to come out "just" now. We grew up in a time where homosexuality was still taboo in most places. And when I say taboo, I mean that "homosexual" was barely pronounced, sometimes only whispered. A time where "gay panic" was a legitimate defense in court. (Talking from a Western European point of view here again. Many places in the world, including the USA still consider the murder of an homosexual or transgender victim as a legitimate act. And these last years has proven that there was not only the "gay/trans panic" crippling our streets, but also a "black panic" and more recently, an "Asian panic". Short aparte here : "gay panic" doesnt mean "omg, that person is making me question my identity!?" nor is it a term used when thirsty over an actor/actress when openly gay such as "[actor name] oh wow...*gay panic intensifies*... this term is a serious concept a murderer can use in court as a defense when taking the life of someone from the community. This is the law enabling hate crimes.)

To any younger people reading this right now : gay marriage has been legal in France since 2013, in the UK since 2014 and, allegedly, in the US since 2015. This is recent history. People who are mid-20's are historically closer to the HIV/AIDs crisis than of the legalisation of same-sex marriage.

As such, we are made to believe than coming out in our twenties or thirties is doing a late coming out. No, it's not. We are a generation who suffered through systemic homophobia in our formative teenage years. When we were trying to figure who we were, people were marching in the streets calling us names, and trying to defend the idea we did not deserve basic humans rights. (As a side note, I am not implying that such issues are not currently happening. This is mostly western European centred again as I am, well, European. This is also targeted towards sexuality orientations, excluding any gender talks as this is still currently a very real societal issue for which the fight has only just begun. Double side note : I'm not yet fully caffeinated. But hopefully you get the general idea despite my flagrant lack of eloquence on this fine morning.)

Alright, let's move on to films then!

I searched for a long time for happy / comedic films but then I realised I was definitly not the right person to answer that. On a general basis, I enjoy dramas. That's my thing.

So instead, I thought I would list you the first LGBTQ+ Films I ever watched, hoping they'll find you well.

-Stonewall (1995). Not my favourite film, but as a kid, it was great first jump into lgbtq+ history. Sad note : The director of this film died of AIDS shortly after.

-Another country (1984) Based in the 1930's in a public school. Starring Rupert Everett (who just a few years ago came to direct "The Happy Prince", a great take on Oscar Wilde and Alfred Douglas, casting himself as Wilde, and Colin Morgan as Bosie...fantastic film, highly recommand), and starring Colin Firth. Teenagers discovering themselves, from homosexuality to politics. (The parralele made is quite interesting as both young men are misfits...one for being gay, one for being Marxist.) Great watch, but a heavy one.

-Maurice. (1987) God, I love this film. It explores not only coming to term with your sexuality but also what it means to be homosexual for the people around you and the impact it can have on your life, depending on your social background. Starring James Wilby, Hugh Grant and Rupert Graves, this is an other drama which leaves you feeling almost raw. I always had an affinity for British film because of how...real they feel. Best example would probably be Danny Boyle himself. You know what I mean... you grow attached and you feel for these characters. And Maurice does just that. Memorable quote : I am an unspeakable of the Oscar Wilde sort. (And you might think : "Oscar Wilde? Again??" And oh boy, yes. Oscar Wilde again. Yes, he is one of the most well known author, mostly because of The Picture of Dorian Gray, but he is also a major part of Queer history. After all, "queer" has been used as a derogatory term for homosexuals for the time...directed at Wilde during his trial for posing as a somdomite. (No typo there.) Being an unspeakable of the Oscar Wilde sort is an other one of the euphemism like "being a friend of Dorothy") And talking about Wilde...

-Wilde (1997). Biopic, Stephen Fry as Oscar, Jude law as Oscar's lover : Bosie. Incredible. Superb film. I can not find words.

-An Englishman in New-York (not the Sting song. Actually yes, kinda the Sting song. Because both the film and the song are about the same man : Quentin Crisp). Biopic. An artist, writer, actor, Quentin Crisp has always bothered. Painting his nails, wearing make up, criticising the royal family. He was a character. John hurt is magnificent as Crisp, who he had already played in 1975 in The Naked Civil Servant, an other great watch.

- A Single Man (2009). With Nicholas Hoult and Colin Firth. This film was a slap in my face. And it has, in my opinion, one of the greatest speech of all time, during a scene in the classroom :

"[...]Let's leave the Jews out of this just for a moment. Let's think of another minority. One that... One that can go unnoticed if it needs to. There are all sorts of minorities, blondes for example... Or people with freckles. But a minority is only thought of as one when it constitutes some kind of threat to the majority. A real threat or an imagined one. And therein lies the fear. If the minority is somehow invisible, then the fear is much greater. That fear is why the minority is persecuted. So, you see there always is a cause. The cause is fear. Minorities are just people. People like us."

-Pride (2014). [TRAILER] Bloody hell, that film. When we talk about lgbtq+ history, we often thing about the pink triangle and the holocaust, Reagan, Stonewall, AIDS and... fucking Maggie. Margaret Thatcher, the Iron Lady. Again, funny how the past is closer than we think, as I still have friends of mine talking to me about that period in British history that they lived through. The minors strike. The poverty, the crisis of the working class and the HIV crisis. But if you are looking for a film full of hope, from tears to laughter, this is the one. Bread and Roses. Bread, and Roses. And a message, which I believe is the essence of our community to this day : solidarity forever. After all...there is power in a union.

If anybody has other films to add, you are more than welcome to do so.

Love you all xx

#film rec #movie rec #gay film rec #gay movie rec #anon ask #lgbtq+ rights #lgbtq+ history #queer history #pride #a single man #stonewall #an other country #maurice #an english man in new york #oscar wilde #solidarity forever #important #coming out #margaret thatcher #uk #british films #queer movies

[carpisuns]

Here I am for Carpisuns Appreciation Week! Your art is amazing, your writing is amazing, you're so kind and inspiring and comforting, thank you for gracing our fandom with your self. It's amazing how much content you create and how consistently you make me smile.

But I also wanted to thank you for something more personal to me: mentioning that you're a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in your blog description. It probably seems small--it almost feels stupid to say it--but seeing that one line helped me so much. I was feeling very conflicted over my identity as both a Mormon and an ally (I now know I'm actually ace, but that happened later), because I saw so much homophobia in our church and it made me ashamed. I felt like I had to choose one side of me, and I hated that. Seeing a kind member who isn't just an ally, but openly LGBTQ+, made me so happy. It reassured me that I can be both at once, and I can be proud of both parts of myself.

So thank you. Thank you for being brave and living a contradiction that I long feared wasn't an option. Thank you for teaching me that we aren't contradictions. Even if it might have seemed small to you, even if it didn't take the courage it took for me, thank you. You're amazing.

It's so late here and I'm so emotional at night and I'll probably regret this in the morning but I just had to say thank you. So thank you.

Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot 💜

I’m going to put the rest of this under a cut for people who would rather not read about religion haha. I was going to answer on priv but in case this would be helpful to anyone else in a similar boat I decided to post on main

I’m so happy to hear the effect my bio had on you. Tbh it did take courage, but it was important to me to have both of those parts of my identity side by side. When I was younger, I wasn’t very open about my faith because religion is something so deeply personal and also divisive, depending on who’s around you. And I hate conflict so I just wanted to avoid it at all costs, haha. But eventually decided that my faith was too important to hide like that. I thought, if I’m going to put a few words up there to introduce myself, it just doesn’t feel right to not mention it. My belief in Jesus Christ and my commitment to follow Him in many ways defines who I am as a person. So I decided years ago to put it in my bio and have always felt good about that. I’m not here to shove religion in anyone’s face or preach at them or judge them or anything like that—I’m just saying, “This is me and it’s important to me.”

As for the bi part, that is a lot more recent haha. It’s almost embarrassing that I didn’t identify as bi until I was 25, but the comphet is strong lol. I think it took me a lot longer to realize/accept my attraction to women because I am still attracted to men, so I can “pass” as straight and always assumed I was, and it was easy enough for a while to brush aside or repress or misinterpret my same-sex attraction. I questioned for years before I finally decided to try out the label “bisexual” in my head. And it felt right to me. It felt good to be honest about that part of myself. I am still not out to the public or the rest of my family, but I’ve told a few close friends and I wanted to at least be able to be open about it in my separate online spaces, to get more comfortable with the label as I figure out how to handle it with people I actually know IRL. But mostly I wanted to add those two extra letters to my bio because I feel like it’s important for other people to see them next to the name of the Church—and important to me most of all. To remind myself, yes, I can be openly bi and a faithful member of the Church. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive. I am still committed to the teachings of the gospel, so I will not pursue relationships with women, but I can still be open about my experience and supportive of my LGBTQ siblings both inside and outside of my faith. I find it pretty freeing to be bi on the outside and not just inside my own head, you know? I’m not sure how it goes for other people but a lot of my early experience was wondering if I was faking it or tricking myself into thinking I was bi for attention or something. But literally why would I do that lol. This in-between space of being queer and a member of the Church has not been an easy place to live, but I’m trying to make a home here and I’d like to invite others too if I can.

And I guess that’s another reason it’s important to be open about both things. As I’ve been learning more about myself and my relationship with others and the Church and the world as a bi person, I’ve come to really crave a space where I can feel comfortable and open with both of those aspects of my identity—my queerness and my religious faith. I haven’t really found a space yet that supports both. Generally in queer-positive spaces, religion is (very understandably) a point of contention and pain, and I get why, as a Christian/Latter-day Saint, I may not be welcome to everyone in that space. But then within the Church and other Christian spaces, I have a hard time finding support or understanding at all. People don’t want to talk about it. They don’t know how. I think to some people in either space, my existence doesn’t really make sense lol. Like, how can you say you’re bi if you’re a member of the Church? Or how can you be queer and stay in that church? But I’m here and my experience is real and I know I’m not the only one. So part of my reason is to say to others like me, “Hey, me too. You’re not alone.” And I’m really really glad that it could speak to you that way.

For many years before I realized I was bi, I was drawn to the LGBTQ community and felt a desire to be an ally. I just didn’t know how. I felt like I had to walk some kind of line and support but not be too supportive, to love but not too much. But I’m not here to put limits on my love anymore. I don’t think that is what Jesus Christ taught. I am making the choice to stay committed to the teachings of the gospel, and I hope people respect that because it’s important to me. But other people will choose differently from me, and that’s okay and I will still love them and we will still be part of something together.

Sorry to say so much about this haha especially since as an ace person your experience is not quite the same as mine. But I have a few close friends who are ace and are also members of the Church and the space we’ve shared has been incredibly meaningful for me. I’m grateful you reached out and I hope my rambling helps you somewhat haha. If you ever want to chat, please feel free to message me! 💜

#starryarchitect #ask #nice things #personal #about me #religion #Christianity #lgbtq

[dgcatanisiri]

So... something kinda hit me abruptly and pushed me to feeling about ready to snap, so... Have a word vomit. Kinda feels like a greatest hits compilation of  my “another angry queer rant” tag, but I need to get it out, so...

I know I’ve been over plenty about how I don’t feel represented even when I have something with gay representation. How I’d give dozens of Dorians and Iron Bulls to get even one run of Inquisition that properly has my male Inquisitor romance Cullen. How when I look at Mass Effect - this franchise that I love - I can only see how much it hates me for being a gay man who dares to seek content for me. How godawful it is that Gil’s story, a story that is explicitly a story centered on a gay man and the difficulties he faces BECAUSE of being gay, was written by a straight person who ABSOLUTELY does not GET. IT. And how fandom as an entity sucks, because so often it feels like the attitude of the people in it comes across as telling me that my desire to be represented in my media somehow comes in second to celebrating the advances solely for women, that my needs as a queer MAN (the emphasis usually theirs) are less important, because I can still see myself AS A MAN in other characters throughout media.

But... That doesn’t change the fact that this is a very real, very tangible THING for me to grapple with. And sometimes it feels like no one ever, EVER talks about this.

I mean, my go-to example is that after Inquisition dropped, you could not say A WORD in criticism of Dorian without people jumping down your throat, chomping at the bit to call you a homophobe for it. No matter what reason - but ESPECIALLY if you thought he was “too stereotypical” - you got hit with that label. Even if you were gay yourself, it was just your “internalized homophobia” that made you dislike him, or even being biased against the people who genuinely do lean in to the stereotypes, don’t they deserve representation too?!

Well, yeah. It’s not like I was saying they don’t. But that it’s a stereotype means it’s often still in media, still often THERE. It’s not always good representation, but it’s something. Meanwhile for those of us who AREN’T? It just meant further exclusion from the narratives. A continuation of our invisibility.

And sure, one queer character cannot represent every queer person, one individual who embodies one letter of the alphabet soup cannot be everything to everyone under that individual label. But, again, it still means that I don’t get to see myself.

If media representation is a life preserver, then I’m getting pulled out to sea while the lifeguards are busy with people who are closer to them than I am. Which, you can call it triage, cast the widest net to hope to get the most people, but when you’re one of those who are not even able to grab on to the net and use it to pull yourself closer, it’s not helping. And, because they’re focused on those who have grabbed on to the net, your struggle continues to be ignored.

Worse, sometimes they aren’t factoring you in the net they’re throwing (yes, I’m aware my metaphor is getting increasingly strained, just work with me here) because they think you’re not in the trouble they think others are - if you can “pass” as cishet, if you can exist without actively fearing for your safety, if you are the kind of person who can walk down the street and not expect to be harassed because you “present” gay, then you’re not as in need as those people who can’t, who are going to be threatened for existing while visibly queer.

But the truth is that you’re still suffering. I’m not gonna get in to the whole oppression Olympics nature of it all, but there is an element that those of us who “pass” as being “straight-acting” (and, for the record, I think these terms are bogus and bullshit, but I’m using them for the sake of simplicity in getting my message across, because I’m stream of consciousnessing this post instead of going to bed so you’re getting babble and word vomit so that this isn’t playing on a loop as I try and sleep) suffer that... I’m not going to say that it makes it worse, but it does have this level of SOMETHING that is a unique pain that you aren’t going to find from the people who are visibly and noticeably queer at a glance - it’s not just isolation, because this is something that you end up not talking about because no one around you realizes that you are queer, but also this voice in the back of your mind that starts questioning “are you REALLY queer? Are you queer ENOUGH?”

And that’s why it hurts that little bit more, is that much more a twist of the knife, when I see these people who push the “joke” of like “why did they even HAVE male Shepard?” or “the only way to play is as Kassandra.” Because it does reinforce this idea - that there is this attitude of this thing, this character that I was seeing as representation doesn’t matter. So that I take strength in that character, well, that’s just me latching on to REPRESENTATION AS A MAN, and we’re not here to protect your fragile masculine ego.

When all I’m looking for is a queer man like I am.

And sometimes, I don’t even feel like the other queer men I can look to get it. Like, there was that time about a year ago that I looked up issues of queer men in video games, and the three videos I found all got an “...and NOPE!” reaction from me - the first argued in math about how “queer people are a small portion of the population, we can’t realistically expect to be represented equally,” even though we’re talking about FICTION, which is, by definition, NOT reality, the second was clearly a cishet who compared not being represented as a queer person to not being represented as a Swedish person, and then a third who first had a thumbnail on a video of “good and bad representation” and Kaidan was the example of bad (so a negative mark against this video to begin with, but I was desperate), only to lead with Dorian as a good example, which... *vague motion above and at the “dorian critical” tag* I staunchly disagree with this stance.

Like... I have to struggle to think of who my role models in being a queer man are. It’s not just who fits my story, but who do I look up to, who inspires me. And, admittedly, the luster for any personal hero seems to inevitable wear off at this point, I’m in my early thirties, and most of the media I consume will have characters who are my age or younger PERIOD, so my queer heroes would have to be people I’d consider either peers or even someone who I am older than...

But then, that’s kinda the thing about being queer period - we lost a generation to AIDS, and for those who followed that generation, we’ve had to live in this world where our heroes don’t exist like us, while trying to pave the way for those who come after us, and who can’t conceive of what it is like to age - as in “go from adulthood to middle age to elder,” not just the matter of growing up from childhood to adulthood - and so even as they’re the one who we want to give all of this to... It still means we suffer because no one is there to offer US that hand.

And yet, try to explain this to media creators, and you get ignored or even shut down. Like, I about a year ago, I directly replied to tweet from Patrick Weekes, explaining how Inquisition failed me, how all bi LIs actually HELP me feel more represented as a queer person than the mix of sexualities that BioWare on the whole has said that they intend to do (re: the difference of LIs in DA2 and Dragon Age Inquisition). It got no response, not even a like to indicate that it’d been read by them. I could form in my head the response I’d have inevitably gotten from David Gaider when he still had an active Tumblr of what would amount to, nicest, “we cannot please everyone, enough people were moved by Dorian’s story to make it worthwhile, sorry.” Given some of my cynicism, I can’t help but believe that it would also have come with a “sorry you feel that way.” Particularly considering some of the comments he’s made about Cullen and Kaidan as LIs, both of whom being characters I connect to more than others in their respective games...

And like... Gaider is a gay man. Weekes is nonbinary. But they are from that generation who view being able to exist openly as queer as a revolutionary statement, which... It’s a statement I want to make, sure, but it’s not a revolutionary one to me - “existence” is the bare minimum. To me, focusing on existence as a queer person is to say that the queer character must justify existing as queer in order to be a part of the narrative. But what is revolutionary to me is to give the queer person a story in the narrative that has NOTHING to do with their queerness.

Like... Fantasy world here, Inquisition drops with Cullen and Cassandra as same-sex exclusive LIs, while every other aspect of their stories are the same. Women can’t romance Cullen, Men can’t romance Cassandra. Other than that, we have Cullen with his addiction/redemption arc and Cassandra not just struggling with her faith but even getting the chance to be Divine. Yes, fandom would FLIP. THE FUCK. OUT. But here’s what it says - the things that these characters go through in the course of the game are not defined by their sexuality. Hell, with these characters specifically, you get characters with MASSIVE relevance to queer stories that AREN’T exclusive to being queer - addiction is a real issue in queer communities, given how many of our safe spaces are bars or clubs, places where alcohol (and thus alcohol abuse) is easily obtained, and, by extension, drugs as well. Meanwhile, there are SCORES of queer people who struggle with the question of faith in the wake of their queerness manifesting.

THAT is revolutionary. To take these stories that straight people get all the time, that certainly have meaning as queer stories for the queer audience... And yet, when they go to these (hypothetically) queer characters, it has that subtext without making the story ABOUT their queerness, while still making it clear that, in this version of things, they are queer - players couldn’t pretend that it’s only in some parallel universe that they are queer, they would only be attracted to the same sex PC. THAT is revolutionary.

Or, y’know, take it back beyond BioWare for a little bit here - all the characters I feel the most connection to emotionally in TV shows are straight. All these men who are my role models only ever get shown being involved with women. At most, they’ll get queerbaited as MAYBE being queer, if you just keep watching! Inevitably, of course, they are not queer by the end of the show - the closest to date is the debacle that is Supernatural.

Yeah, there’s representation for ya.

And then there are those who end up looking at what I see as thoroughly inadequate and... They’re happy. They praise it. They look at this thing that hurts me, that excludes me, that can, when I’m in the bad headspaces, even make me question myself... And they have found something they like with it.

Which, for the record, good for them, genuinely and sincerely, I really am glad that someone is getting something out of this, but... Well, see above: life preserver, isolation, “sorry you feel that way.” Everyone else is getting what they needed, but what about me? When does my representation get to appear? Why am I always being left, scrounging for the scraps of the scraps? Why does other peoples’ representation always seem to get shoved to the front of the line, leaving me languishing in the back.

That’s the real thing about all of those lines of “if you don’t like it, go make your own!” At this point, even if I did manage to get something in my to-write folder cleaned up and ready to go, in reality... How am I supposed to feel like anyone other than me WOULD proceed to read it? That the audience would exist? Because... no one seems to care about this audience. Hell, how would I get anyone to publish it if it is only going to appeal to me?

I feel on the margins of the margins, where no one really cares. Hell, even here in my own blog, I feel afraid of backlash - I’ve had the assholes show up in response to like little brief comments that are off-the-cuff rambles, not worded in a way that makes them a full, detailed accounting, and either take them as evidence that I, personally, represent all that is wrong with fandom at large, or that I am a target for their trolling. Because saying that “I find the jokes about male Shepard not mattering to be diminishing of me as a queer person, can we please stop this?” is somehow not just lesbophobic, but VIOLENTLY lesbophobic. Or that saying that I don’t care that bad things happen to a fictional species is somehow advocating for violence against actual women. Or even explicitly calling out BioWare for lovingly lingering the camera on Miranda’s ass is slutshaming her. And of course, there are the assholes who responded to me saying on the BioWare Twitter announcement post for the Legendary Edition that, if it didn’t have a full trilogy male Shepard/Kaidan romance, I wasn’t buying it, and proceeded to a) call me entitled for it (like, read a dictionary, the very fact that I have to call for this content that doesn’t exist in the game proper is the OPPOSITE of entitlement...), b) tell me that I “shouldn’t deny [myself] a great story just because it doesn’t have gay people in it” and c) just generally be homophobic. Even in rolling with it on the basis of “the trolls are gonna show up period if you make it clear that you care about something, especially if you are trying to get representation for some group that is in the minority... It gets exhausting. It can be harmful. It makes it clear that you’re not welcome, even when you’re supposedly united by the fact that you and these people supposedly love the same piece of media.

I mean, among those examples, I’ve given the statements that inspired those responses no tags other than my own organizational tags, but SOMEHOW they find me anyway, so it wouldn’t surprise me if I got accused of like being another White Gay™ with this post, that I simply want to center the conversation wholly on myself at the expense of all other intersections of queerness and other identities or something for saying all of this, even though this is, and it says so from the start, a vent post, which, by definition, is centered on myself because it’s about me and my experiences and emotions. *sigh*

Anyway...

And, y’know, when BioWare actively refuses to even ACKNOWLEDGE that the absence of a full trilogy M/M romance option is a bad thing, it just ends up saying that the trolls are actually the audience they’re willing to court. That Supernatural ending with a brothers only focus that doesn’t even allow Cas to be mentioned other than offhandedly while suppressing ANY kind of emotional fallout to his admission of love says that they don’t care about the queer people who at the very least the actor was trying to be respectful and representative of. That every piece of media that says that to have a queer person in it, their presence must be explained and justified is saying that there needs to be a REASON for queerness, a reason that is not “because people are queer, and queer people come in as many stripes as cishet people, and so media should reflect that spectrum just as much.”

Even when the numbers of queer characters in media goes up, it doesn’t really move the needle. And that’s not even getting to the difficulties when you are any mix-and-match combo under the queer umbrella, or any other identity that intersects to marginalize someone in our society. It just...

Y’know, it doesn’t feel like “it gets better.” Rather it just feels like being stuck in position, just with a changing backdrop. Sure, things look different by the end of the day, but that doesn’t change that you’re not getting anywhere.

#dg gets personal #another angry queer rant

[gra-sonas]

Alex Manes - an essay

Alright, my inbox is bursting with asks, and I’ll get to them (tomorrow, it’s almost midnight D: ), but I’ve been thinking about this all day while trying to work (had to get up and angrily pace my flat several times), and I had to write it all down to get it off my chest. (Also, I’m sorry, but once again Tumblr won’t let me add a Read More, after two attempts at creating new posts with a Read More, I’m giving up 🙈)

As viewers, we’ve been introduced to two different versions of Alex.

Alex at 17

wears mostly black

puts on nail polish, eyeliner and jewellery, including a stud earring and a septum piercing

loves skateboarding

plays the guitar

works at the UFO Emporium

his mom, a Native American woman from a New  Mexican tribe left the family when he was younger

has 3 brothers, presumably they’re all older than Alex

Alex at 27/28

a soldier, he’s been in the Air Force for a decade

a decorated purple heart airman with three deployments under his belt

an amputee, he lost part of his right leg in an attack in Iraq, sometimes uses a crutch

a codebreaker who's hacked into Russian and Chinese intelligence

a man who still dips fries into his milkshake

the nail polish, spiky hair, piercings and jewellery are gone

Alex wears fatigues occasionally, his civil clothes are mostly neutral colored shirts/jeans (until The Leather Jacket™ in 1x13)

we don’t know whether he still plays the guitar

his brothers are also all military, Flint (~2 years older than Alex) is a Special Forces Weapons Sergeant with the US Army

Quotes from/about Alex’s youth (incl. Jesse’s abuse)

1x01, Alex: "We're not kids anymore. What I want doesn't matter.“

✧→ 17 year old Alex hoped to escape his father one day, he dreamt of making music. His  hopes were shattered that day in the toolshed, and Alex hasn’t allowed himself to go for what he wants since then - including Michael.

1x02, Alex: “Made me think about... I don't know, who I was when this started. Before I went to war.”

1x05, Kyle: “Do you remember that night your dad made us set up that tent to teach us extreme weather survival?” Alex: “Yeah. Your dad had driven home for the night, so mine concocted a brand-new form of kiddie torture.”

1x05, Alex: “My dad was a homophobic, abusive dick."

1x05: Alex: “The dad I got was a monster. Is a monster.” Kyle: “Because he sent you off to war?” Alex: “My father was my war. And your dad saw it, when we were kids. Do you remember the summer - that we built the tree house?” Kyle: “Yeah.” Alex: “That's the summer that my dad found out I was gay. He knew before I did. He thought he could beat it out of me. Jim tried to intervene. But you can't make someone stop hating someone. And my dad hated me.”

✧→ Alex is talking about his father/childhood matter-of-factly, but the language he’s using to describe his childhood allows a glimpse at the hell he went through: torture (through extreme survival trainings), homophobic abuse, his dad is a monster, sent him to war, for years tried beating the gay out of Alex, Jesse hates him. This is not just a homophobic remark his dad made at the dinner table, this informs us about years of violence and abuse Alex endured at the hands of his father.

1x06, Alex: “Things at my house suck.“

✧→ Many teenagers will probably say this at some point while growing up, this isn’t about Alex being upset about a curfew, or having to do his homework tho. This is as much as Alex will disclose about the ongoing abuse.

1x06: Alex: “Dad, this has nothing to do with you.“ Jesse: “Everything you do... everything. And I will not be humiliated.“

✧→  This is Alex, terrified of what his dad might do. And he knows that Jesse will do something (he’s already picked up the hammer). Alex expects violence, because that’s what his dad has done to him numerous times. 😔

1x07, Mimi: "You look like your dad today." Alex: "Oh, good. I was hoping that the rage face might skip a generation."

1x08, Alex: “I've been looking for leverage my entire life.“

✧→ “My entire life”, a clear indication that having Jesse as a dad’s never been a walk in the park, Alex just got the special ‘anti gay’ treatment as a bonus when he got older.

1x08, Alex: “When I was...- I wanted to make music. You sent me to war.“

✧→ Alex at 17 wanted to make music, and although he never says it, I think it’s implied that he never planned to join the military. Jesse didn’t give him a choice though, he made Alex enlist, probably threatening him with what he’d do to Michael if Alex didn’t do as he was told.

1x08, Alex: "Why are you trying to frame Michael? Haven't you done enough to him?"

1x08, Alex: "Do not talk to me about unprovoked violence!"

1x09, Michael: "And what do you want to say, Alex?” Alex: That I loved you. And I think that you loved me. For a long time.” Michael: “Yeah.” Alex: "But we didn't even know each other that well, did we? I mean, we just, we-we connected, - like something… -“ Michael: “Cosmic.” Alex: "Yeah, but we didn't even do that much talking."

1x10, Alex: "My dad is a bigot with no moral compass."

1x12, Flint (to Alex): "You ever get tired of being the black sheep of the family?"

1x13, Alex: "Look... I shouldn't have left you behind when I enlisted. I could... I could stand here and tell you that I didn't want to leave, but I did. After what my dad did to you, I just, I... I wanted to be the kind of person who won battles. But now I-I look in the mirror, and I-I don't even see myself sometimes. I see my father. I'm still fighting his battles. Not mine."

✧→ It’s kinda implied that Alex never wanted to enlist, but once Jesse forced him to do it, he tried to make the most of it. He wanted to be the kind of person who won battles. He was also looking for leverage, something he could use to take his dad down.

✧→  Alex at 17 wanted to get out, he wanted to make music and live life his way. Since Jesse was going to beat him for being gay anyway, he’d at least wear what he wanted, put on make up, and wear jewellery. Jesse hadn’t manage to break Alex.

✧→ The shed incident changed everything, because someone else got hurt. And from Alex’s POV it was because of Alex. Because he’d been selfish. He’d wanted Michael. And because of that Michael got injured.

Now that we’ve established the basics, onto Carina’s statement.

“Alex was too ashamed of Michael  (not of being gay, which Maria knew, but of michael specifically) to name him to Maria for 10 years - until he saw Maria as a threat.” [x]

✧→ At 17, we saw how much Alex cared about Michael, that he wanted him safe and warm bc nights twere too cold to sleep in the car. That’s why Alex offered Michael to stay in the shed. He liked Michael, and he wanted to spend time with him. He even brought Michael a guitar bc he thought Michael would like to play. None of Alex’s behavior gives any indication that he was ashamed of Michael before the shed incident.

✧→ 17 year old Alex was afraid of his father, no surprise after years of abuse, but he also seemed confident, defiant even, believing he could handle it for a little bit longer until he’d finished high school and would finally be able to leave to make music. Despite living under Jesse’s roof, he dressed in all black, openly wore make up, nail polish, and jewellery/piercings, refusing to be another picture perfect son of his military father. We didn’t see it on screen, but given Jesse’s homophobic views, Alex’s behavior very likely caused his father to punish him in some way for it.

✧→  Then Michael kissed Alex at the UFO Emporium, Alex kissed back, one thing lead to another and they ended up at the shed where they had sex for the first time. It was Michael’s first time with a guy, we don’t know whether it was Alex’s first time tho. Alex still didn’t show any signs of being ashamed of Michael.

They were SO in love and happy in that moment. 🥺

✧→  When Jesse and the hammer happened, and it changed everything. Up until that moment, Alex had been used to his father’s abuse, he’d been strong enough, he’d been convinced he could take it, but this time someone else got badly hurt, and I think that broke something in Alex.

✧→  We never saw how things played out for Alex after Michael left the shed, all we know is that Jesse made Alex enlist. And given Jesse’s preference for blackmailing (he blackmailed Jenna, and Alex asked Flint what Jesse had on him) it’s probably fair to assume that Jesse threatened to go after Michael should Alex not do as he says.

Alex didn’t tell Maria for a decade because he was ashamed of Michael (at 17)?

Say what now???

There are several good reasons why Alex wouldn’t have told her, but shame isn’t one of them... I’m sure Alex thought of Maria as a trustworthy friend back then, but the most important reason why he wouldn’t reveal who ‘museum guy’ was would be the one the straight showrunner of the show’s apparently not aware of:

Alex would’ve outed Michael (without Michael’s consent I’d like to add) to Maria by telling her who it was. As a gay kid in 2008, I’m sure Alex was very well aware of LGBTQ etiquette, and the first rule of queer club is, you don’t out a fellow queer. And guess who’d just experience a brutal attack because he’s queer? Why would Alex ever consider outing Michael and potentially putting him at risk???

The outing reason alone would be enough to explain why Alex never told her who it was. And in 1x10 he didn’t outright out Michael either, Maria realized it was Guerin and Alex reluctantly confirmed (there was no way for him to plausibly deny it).

1x10, Alex: “It is just a standard, run-of-the-mill boy problem. Oh, come on. Don't give me psychic face, Maria.” Maria: “It's the guy from the museum, the one that kissed you into crazy stupid love when we were kids. He's back?” Alex: “Wha... How-how do you do that?” Maria: “You're just... I feel it, you're-you're hopeful, like you were before. Who is he? Come on, spill it. I've been waiting ten years for this. - Come on.” Alex: “You... you wouldn't believe it.” Maria: “It's not like you're hooking up with Wyatt Long or Michael Guerin or something. Geez. Please tell me you're in love with Wyatt Long. Wow.” Alex: “Michael's not so bad after a shower. But you know that.” Maria: “I had no idea...” Alex: “I know. I mean, how would you?” Maria: “It meant nothing, Alex. Seriously, I swear, it was just a drunk, dusty, no-good Texas rounder."

Another reason why Alex wouldn’t necessarily have told Maria: Alex was traumatized by what happened at the shed. This wasn’t just the ‘normal’ kind of abuse he endured on the regular (which is a boatload of trauma all of its own), someone else had been hurt, someone Alex liked, and because Alex liked him. On top of that Jesse likely threatened him. There’s no way Alex wasn’t scared and deeply traumatized. It’s fairly common that victims of abuse don’t tell anyone about it, out of fear even more bad things could happen, there’s surely also a lot of shame and self-blaming involved.

Alex also knew that Michael was homeless, and probably not yet of age. Jesse could’ve threatened Alex to put Michael back into the system or whatnot.

Absolutely NOTHING we’ve seen on screen suggests that Alex was ashamed of Michael when they were 17. Alex joined the military afterwards, and was away for a decade. Not many opportunities to talk about it to Maria, but again, the first reason (outing Michael) is a perfectly valid reason not to tell her for an entire decade. And this being a major trauma, Alex probably didn’t feel like opening that box again after such a long time.

And wow, claiming that Alex waited to tell Maria (which isn’t exactly what happened) because she felt threatened by her? Sure, Alex just waited for the right moment. 🙄

Is Alex ashamed of Michael at 27/28?

In 1x03 it seems like Alex let’s his father’s words get to him. “Seems to me the only one you're embarrassing is yourself, son.“ I’ve always interpreted this as a thinly veiled threat tho, and Alex, on instinct, immediately put distance between himself and Michael. Because before he talked to his father? Alex was perfectly happy to be seen with Michael, if he'd been ashamed, as Carina claims, he wouldn’t have approached Michael in public in the first place.

This is also how I read the scene in 1x02: “What happened at the reunion cannot happen again.“ In the pilot, Jesse had been part of the group of soldiers poking around Michael’s Airstream, and Alex saw the way his father looked at them talking. Then they kissed at the reunion, and I’m sure it felt so good and like coming home, but the fear of what Jesse could do if he found out was back the next morning, and Alex once more tried to put distance between himself and Michael to keep Michael save.

This is not an excuse for Alex pushing Michael away, not an excuse for Alex to call him a criminal either. That is absolutely shitty behavior and not okay. I just don’t buy this ‘Alex is ashamed of Michael’ shtick.

Friendly reminder that Maria did not only tell Alex in 1x10 “It meant nothing, Alex. Seriously, I swear, it was just a drunk, dusty, no-good Texas rounder.", here’s what she said in her next scene with Guerin:

1x10, Maria: “We're closed. - You found my necklace.” Michael: “Clasp broke. I fixed it. I think it calls for a celebration. And by celebration, I mean booze, preferably the free kind.” Maria: “Alex is one of my best friends.” Michael: “Congrats.” Maria: “I never would have slept with you if I knew you two had history. It can't happen again.”

So in 1x10 Maria

learned Michael is 'museum guy’

realized that Alex is in love with Michael (still), and hopeful

swore to Alex it was a one time thing and that it meant nothing

told Michael that Alex is one of her best friends (and you don’t go after your best friends’ love interests)

she would’ve never slept with Michael had she known

she also says it can’t happen again

And yet Carina’s surprised why many few fans don’t understand

what made Maria ignore Liz’s advice to talk to Alex (which would’ve been the fair thing to do, no one’s mad at Maria for catching feelings, it’s that she acted on them without talking to Alex first what upsets and angers people)

why Maria invited Michael to kiss her just 3 episodes later

why she’s still chasing after Michael 2 weeks later without having talked to Alex

she’ll continue to go after Michael but still won’t talk to Alex

and therefore some are having a hard time not to dislike Maria to some degree? Okay...

Either way, imo Alex was definitely not ashamed of Michael at 17, and I don’t see much evidence of him being ashamed of Michael at 27/28.

Apart from that, shame is for sure NOT the reason why Alex never told Maria.

Alright, this got LONG, but it I had to write it all down. I think I provided facts in the form of dialogue quotes. In addition, I’m sharing my interpretation of these facts.

I don’t claim that I’m right, I don’t claim that I know more than Carina (who seems to have forgotten some things she herself wrote tho), none of that. This is my interpretation of what happened, based on what we saw on screen, what’s been said by the characters, and what we know about the different characters involved.

I also don’t claim that Alex didn’t do anything wrong, that he’s a saint, or whatnot. But I strongly disagree with the notion that by not telling Maria Alex is somehow to blame for her going after Michael.

#alex manes #malex #michael guerin #long post is long #my apologies for the missing read more #i tried but tumblr wouldn't let me #🙈 #rnm opinions #the alex essay

[kaspmatic]

How would you say you relate to Eddie?

BIG FUCKING OOF –ok, I hope you guys are ready to go on a wild ride with me down memory lanehere. there is quite a bit that I can cover on how I relate to Eddie – soplease bear with me and if you read this then; kudos, brownie points, goldstars, all of that shit to you. I’m going to put my actual answer under a read morebecause I know this is going to get lengthy. And honestly, probably a littlepatchy and I might jump around a bit so I won’t force this shit on anyone whowon’t intentionally click that read more for the deets. LOL.

OVERBEARINGFAMILY - REPRESSED HOMOSEXUALITY

To lay a little backgroundon everyone, I grew up NOT knowing my biological father. I lost himat a young age and spent a lot of my younger years growing up with a singlemother – my mom worked in a hospital, so every little thing that happenedbecame a giant issue; I had a cough? go to the doctors. I was always cold? goto the doctors. I sneezed funny? go to the doctors. (I think you guys get mydrift with where I’m going here). as a child I spent a lot of time in and out of thehospital because of this, now I’m not saying my mom has Munchausen Syndrome byany means, she definitely didn’t force diseases onto me. I justrelate and understand that pain of always having to go to the hospitalfor the most trivial of concepts. As a child, however, I did spend quite a fewyears toting around an inhaler that I didn’t even fucking need. Call it a baddiagnosis or whatever you will – but it was still something that I had todo that I didn’t even need.

Not having my dad aroundlead for a lot of weird and one-sided views in my mind throughout my youngeryears of life – for a long time I had only the woman’s point of view onevery aspect (at least until my mom remarried years later - I was in myteens by that time).

To continue talking aboutmy overbearing mom – she still tries to be to this way alongsideher husband to this very day (hi, I’m fucking 32 years old here – just tothrow out my Grandma age on tumblr so you aren’t shocked in a paragraph or two).Everything has to be done a certain way or its wrong – they thrive on avery myway or the highway look of things, and this has been something that Ihave constantly had to push back against in more recent years - because I havefound love and support from those who are willing to tell me that its fuckingOK to not be the person your parents want you to be.

Like Eddie, I’ve lost partsof myself throughout life appeasing my family with moldingmyself to fit what they thought I should be - what I needed to be. The biggestissue being homosexuality. I grew up with a Catholic Grandmother who wouldat anychance and drop of a hat find any reason to bitch about the gaysin the most hate speech and closed minded filled way I have everheard in my entire existence. I grew up believing that I couldn’t come out –that I couldn’t truly be who I wanted to be because my family wouldn’t be onboard and I was terrified that they wouldn’t understand or support me and Ibelieved wholeheartedly that if I DID comeout, that I would lose each and every family member that I had becausemy Grandma and other members of my family have very strict views on it - andneed I repeat, are overwhelming overbearing and controlling. When I was firststruggling with the idea that I was part of the queer community, oddly enough,I was 13. By this point in time I was used to listening to my Grandma bitchabout the LGBT+ community for years. I remember one instancedirectly with my mom; we were on a vacation and I remember asking my mom what shethought of the LGBT+ community and she told me flat out that I wasn’t allowedto be Gay.

That right there told me everythingthat my young mind needed to hear. That no matter who I was as a person, that myfamily wouldn’t support me – even over something so simple as lovingsomeone of the same sex. I spent the next 17 years hiding who I was, just toappease the ideals that I thought I had to adhere to. I dated strictlyboys and it landed me in unhappy relationship after unhappy relationship– ultimately my last relationship with a CIS male was a completelycontrolling and abusive one. One where they wanted to control everyaspect of my life - much like how Myra does to Eddie once he’s given in andfallen to Sonia’s whims and has told himself that he has to take the easy wayout. I was miserable in the relationship and everything had to beapproved of by him. It was some of the darkest times in my life but thatrelationship was one that defined me and really made me realize just how unhappyof a life I was leading just by appeasing those around me.

Granted, my repression andcloseted sexuality doesn’t end there. I got out of that relationship when I was22 and spent years recovering from the sheer amount of abuse I was taking fromhim – all the while I was still so tightly wound into the clutches of myparents. I traded off from one controlling household, to a new controllinghousehold, and back to the one in which molded me.

I spent the next 8 yearsgoing through a lot – all the while I was being medicated on anything andeverything under the sun just to right me as a person – because obviouslythat’s the answer here. I spent a lot of time in and out of hospitals due tobad reactions to medications, medications not mixing well, just generallytrying to get myself back to WHO I was. I was just a shell of myself duringthese years, I was in college and struggling even more so with myself and mysexuality as a free bird – so to speak. I tried dating around and nevertold my family when I was with a woman because I didn’t know how. I didn’t knowhow to tell a family so openly against it that’s who I waswith. So, I continued to lie and appease and struggle.

The entirety of my closetedyears – those 17 years – I struggled with every sexual thought Ihad toward a woman. I hated myself. Told myself I was wrong and that it wasn’twhat I was supposed to do. It took me a long time and some reallyfucked up situations to really start to love myself for me. To understand thatno matter what – whether my family love me or accept me – that I am who Iam and NO ONE can fucking changethat.

Granted this story at thevery least has a happy ending, unlike Eddie’s, I met Ari and finally came outat 30 – much to part of my family’s dislike – but my parents wereaccepting and my Mom ultimately didn’t even fucking remember the trauma she hadinduced when I was young. BUT I DIGRESS….

 EMOTIONS - DEALING WITHEMOTIONS

Eddie and I both similarlyshow our emotions – and it’s not always in the best light. I struggle withsomething called Emotional Overwhelm which I actually have a headcanon for I’vebeen meaning to write up for Eddie for fucking weeks since I went and saw ITChapter 2’s early release. It’s something that I recognized in Eddie and reallystruggle dealing with in day to day life. Emotional Overwhelm is an instancewhere things kind of pile the fuck up – everything,even if it’s something small, can feel like a deep wound. People whostruggle with emotional overwhelm feel things differently than normal – anoffhanded comment that could make one person laugh and blow it off will feellike a stab to the heart and a betrayal to someone who deals with it. Strugglingwith this kind of an emotional issue causes me to lash out at unnecessary timesand can be rather debilitating in relationships if your friends, family, oryour partners don’t understand it. It’s worse when you feel a sense of being “gangedup on” (at least for me) so during times of joking around I can easily lash outand take a simple joke as a complete attack.

My chest constricts – mybody will not allow me to breathe easily and if I don’t force it – and ithurts deeper than it should. My anxiety runs high during these times and that panicsets in deep. I can’t fathom emotions if there are too many in place, my mindwill refuse to address them so they pile up. During this time, my mind will fogand I can’t even process anything being said – for instance; if I’m in asituation where issues are being listed off to me and I start to hit thatemotional overwhelm peak – my mind is still focused on exhibit A while theperson is already listing exhibit E. My mind will not allow me to process situationslike this as a WHOLE not in a rapid-firesuccession. The buildup can be excruciating and takes a toll on my body that itall will spill out in a sassy, feisty, and – for the lack of a better word – kindof a shitty outburst. 

Having these outbursts stemfrom growing up in a household where I wasn’t appropriately taughthow to handle my emotions. My family were not people who would discuss emotionsor situations where my emotions got “out of control” – it was always a “stophaving emotions” type argument. I was gaslighted, manipulated, and bullied intothinking any and all emotions were bad. Plain and simple. I wasn’t allowed tocompose my emotions into words as this was not a thing that would everhappen with my family.

Much like Eddie, I tend tohave my emotions out there regardless of what I was taught – regardless ofbeing able to recognize those emotions I hate talking about them. It’s a viciouscycle. Discussing my emotions brings out my emotional overwhelm and it’s justan all-around messy situation at that. So, I try my best to hide my emotions– I clench my jaw, I go silent, I refuse to talk about it, I completelyshut down – I’m stubborn. It takes someone remarkably special and someone Itrust completely for me to really level with them – to be raw and showevery little bit of emotion that I have. Someone who is tolerable of it andunderstands what I’m going through, how I process my emotions… So needless to say,I have only ONE person who I feel comfortable with being this raw andvulnerable towards given my home life. So, a lot of the time my emotions– if every questioned by anyone will mostly be met with anger, because itwas the one emotion I was used to receiving growing up. It’s easier to lash outthan it is to make yourself vulnerable.

When I’m not having a terriblytraumatizing day and my emotional overwhelm hasn’t taken over, I tend to hide myemotions behind my sass. If I magically have a day where I’m notcompletely losing it and on an emotional overload type of day, my hurt showsthrough real quick sass and sometimes it’s not always tasteful. My brainto filter usually shuts off when I’m hurt and I feel like I’m being come for.

 UNDIAGNOSEDADHD - MENTAL HEALTH

Ok, this is another headcanonsituation I want to write up – mostly because of instances between Chapter 1 andChapter 2 that I picked up on. But I’m a firm believer that Eddie has undiagnosedADHD – take for instance the entire scene where they’re first introduced to TheClubhouse. Eddie’s reaction and the way he bounces from subject to subject withhalf sentences, his reaction to the paddle ball with Stan, his rapid fire nearlystumbling speech. I wholeheartedly believe that Sonia wasn’t concerned in theleast about mental health issues, only concerned for issues that would harmEddie physically and more in the realm of physical health issues.

Much like this, my Mom wasadamant that I didn’t have ADHD and refused to have me tested by any means. Istruggle with half sentences where my mind will be moving faster than my mouthor fingers – I notice this more when I’m typing, whether it be having adiscussion on discord or responding to replies. I don’t know how many times Ihave gone back to proof read and somehow, I’m missing portions of sentences andeverything is nearly a half thought. My mind processes things too quickly andone moment I’ll have my attention in one place and within a second something elsewill catch my attention. It’s always fast and catches nearly everyone around meoff guard that don’t really understand what’s going on.

To kind of wrap this backaround to my abusive situation and the lack of HELP in the metal health realm where the Mom’s are concerned. WhileI was dealing with these issues I dealt with a lot of mental health ailments(ptsd, manic depression, insomnia, and major anxiety/panic attacks to name afew.) these were all situations that required a lot of help through doctor’s,psychiatrists – you name it. But my Mom (and her husband) were always inthe realm of thought that a mental battle can be won without the use of medication– and this is honestly how I feel Sonia Kaspbrak thought and took mentalhealth issues. That they weren’t as big of an issue as say “health” issues areconcerned. That they were easily bypassed and just a “phase” that could begrown out of. Considering Sonia, who is a woman suffering with MunchausenSyndrome – mental health issues don’t get you the same attention as say asick and suffering child would with an actual sickness or disease that can beSEEN. And that is the biggest difference and I think why Eddie was nevertreated for having ADHD.

It’s seen, but it’s not onethat would necessarily bring about any sort of sympathy from others or keepEddie bound in her realm of control that she preferred to rule. 

#Anonymous #⌊ they’re gazebos! they’re bullshit! ⌉ - ooc #ooc. #⌊ have you ever heard of a staph infection? ⌉ - answered #answered.

[soupeyenby]

okay so long post

I realized recently that me and my girlfriend have had very different coming out experiences

not as in like the actual coming out conversation

but for two people who relatively close together (about a year apart?) cam out at a younger age (in middle school) we had very different reactions from our peers? as a school? which is just so interesting to me because we literally went to the same middle school, ahe was just a year behind me

when I came out it was because I had asked a girl out, I was out to friends at school but disnt talk about it much to anyone outside of my immediate friend group. there were no casual “oh my girlfriend” or “this girl i like” or anything that could have implied it in normal conversation that I feel comfortable doing now because thats just how it was for me in 7th grade and when I started dating this girl we didn’t hide it at all, for both of us we had come out on very small scale and there was that fear of rejection, but neither of us had experienced it yet, we were 12. I didn’t know that I was “supposed” to hide it. I’ve posted about some of the things said to me at school in reaction to this before, but just of few of them were:

this guy dave asked every day in english for a month if me and my then gf would have a threesome with him (we were 12)

the girl who sat next to me in science very loudly said “are you and [then gf] dating now?” and when I shyly said yes and and a friend mimicked gagging

the guys who would follow us as I walked her to class (which at the start was just to see her more but I started being worried about the guys and didn’t want to leave her as time went on)

my guidance counselor called me into her office to ask me if we were dating, when out of fear, because now I had learned fear, said no she simply sent me back to class

people on my then gf’s bus would shout “d*kes” at us from the bus windows when I walked her to her bus in the afternoon

in general we got a lot of the d slur and the f slur from other students

to name the big players, the school did not support us and I did not have trust in them to help me. So after I came out I was met with fear and shame and hidden kisses and squeezing her hand extra tight and telling her I loved her too soon because I was scared to let her go to somewhere I had no reason to believe she was safe, thats not to say I didn’t have pride because god I did, I did not let them steal my pride, but it made queer relationships feel taboo for me, like I had to keep them secret to keep them safe

my current girlfriend hasn’t had this kind of experience at all. She came out in her 7th grade too but didnt date until high school, at our school it’s pretty safe to be openly queer, it’s possible you could get a slur yelled at you, but it’s pretty un likely (although there is plent of use of them, just not directed to queer people being queer, they still use gay as an insult and say the f slur till the cows come home, just in that No Its Totally A Joke You Sensitive Bitch kinda way that (mostly) cis/het guys do.

But, that means she didn’t have that kind of backlash, she never hesitates to give me a kiss in the middle of a hall, she doesnt have to think before reaching for my hand, she doesnt scan the hallway to make sure we’re clear to hug bye, school is safe for her, why would it not be?

I still get nervous when we kiss bye in the hall not because I dont like being affectionate, but moments like those I’ve needed to be on defense and I don’t have to be anymore but I havent dated much in high school, like at all, and anywhere else I can be open and free and in love, being queer in school just scares me still

and im so glad she doesnt have those fears, its just..very different

and i needed to talk it out somewhere ig.. which here

#b #oh dont mind this #lgbtq+ #dyke #fag #d slur #f slur

[consul-lightwood-bane]

For those who aren’t able to view the article.

“New York Times-bestselling author Cassandra Clare is something of a pioneer in the realm of LGBTQ-inclusive fantasy YA. Since 2007, her Shadowhunter Chronicles, beginning with The Mortal Instruments (TMI) series, have amassed a huge international following. (The books have even spurred a film adaptation and popular TV series, Shadowhunters, on Freeform.) Her most fiercely beloved fictional couple? Gay demon-fighting warrior Alec Lightwood and his partner Magnus Bane, the openly bisexual High Warlock of Brooklyn.

Now, Clare and her co-author, sci-fi writer (and proud Magnus fan) Wesley Chu, are giving #Malec the royal treatment in The Eldest Curses (TEC) trilogy. The first TEC book, The Red Scrolls of Magic, is due out April 9 from Simon & Schuster. (No worries if you’re behind on TMI books, Clare says: “It would probably enrich your experience if you’ve read the first three TMI books. But if you haven’t, you can still pick up Red Scrolls.)

NewNowNext caught up with Clare for the scoop on Red Scrolls—and an insider look at the state of LGBTQ inclusion in the world of YA publishing.

For those who may be new to the Shadow World, can you give us a crash-course and introduce Alec Lightwood and Magnus Bane?

The books are about Shadowhunters, a race of people who fight demons. They have powers that they get from being part-angel, and they have a mandate to be on this earth and fight demons and protect mundanes, which is what they call regular people. There’s also people who are called Downworlders. They’re supernatural creatures we’re all familiar with from mythology and folklore—faeries, vampires, warlocks, werewolves.

So, Alec is a Shadowhunter. He’s a young man who’s very rule-abiding, very serious about being a Shadowhunter, and not very happy. In City of Bones, he meets Magnus Bane, a warlock who’s really free-spirited, fun, and pretty powerful. Over the course of TMI books, they fall in love with each other and form a relationship. Alec comes out … and Magnus has been openly bisexual since the beginning of the series … By where we’re at in the books now, they’ve been together for years, they’ve adopted two children, and they just got married.

Oh, the Lightwood-Banes are iconic. Total trailblazers. Legendary.

[Laughs] It was so fun to write their wedding!

In the past, you’ve said that YA publishers were initially hesitant to publish TMI series because it contained queer characters and a gay romance. Can you tell me more about that?

When I went out with City of Bones, that was back in 2005. I got push-back from some publishers. It was very coded. … No one actually said, “We won’t publish this book because it has a gay character.” They’d say, “Not all of these characters are ‘likeable’; maybe you could cut Alec.” I got that a lot—the idea that there was a likeability issue, but just with Alec. And then I got, “Maybe there are too many characters. You could cut Alec.” So it was very clear to me that that was what was going on. … I would also say that a lot of the push-back I got was actually after publication.

I think I was a little naïve at the time, even despite the earlier stuff. And there was a presumption, I think, back in 2005—you know, pre-Twilight, pre-a lot of things—that YA was a kid’s realm. It doesn’t make it any better, because the idea that kids shouldn’t read about gay characters is a terrible one. But there was a lot more dependence in the industry on things like book clubs in schools, school library support. … When the books actually came out, I had a meeting with the person who worked for Simon & Schuster in the capacity of selling the book to book clubs around the country. And she said, “You know, we can never sell yours.”

Wow, that’s awful.

And I was like, “Oh. No, I didn’t know that.” And she went on, like, “You know, there are certain stores that won’t take your books; there are certain school libraries that won’t take your book.” I do remember once I was in England. I’d been invited to go to this school and give a talk. I was about to get into a car to go to the school, and my publisher came out of the building and said to me, “Sorry, they found out about Magnus and Alec, and they don’t want you to come.” It was such a shocking feeling.

I feel like the climate in YA has changed so much since 2005 and is a lot more accepting of queer characters. Do you agree?

I do. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to the promotion of [TMI books] because I felt like it was important to have Alec and Magnus in this book. It was important to get these books into the hands of kids, and I felt like I constantly had to walk this line where I had to make sure there was enough Alec and Magnus in the book for them to be fully realized characters that people would care about and love. Yet, I had to be careful. I feel like now, I can be less careful. And I am less careful … There are ways I can express what’s going on—words I can use upfront—that would have been a problem in 2005 in terms of just getting the book on shelves.

I mean, we’re living in a post-marriage equality world. Things are far from perfect, but the cultural conversation at large has shifted dramatically since 2005.

It’s definitely made a huge difference. I mean, it was still the Bush administration [when City of Bones was published!] We had years of progression with Obama; we had marriage equality; and we also have a new generation with different attitudes.

I also read that you purposefully left this gap in the chronology hoping you’d get the chance to write this story. What excites you so much about Alec and Magnus’s adventures in Red Scrolls?

Partially, it has something to do with my own life: The first thing I ever did with my first serious boyfriend was take a trip across Europe. [Laughs] So with Magnus and Alec, I thought, Okay, I want to give them that really fun experience that I had. And I’m going to reference it here in this book, and I know that I can come back to this someday and do it. … I also love this category of fiction. It’s almost a rom-com, this book; it has a different tonal feel than the rest of TMI books because it’s a little bit lighter. It’s like a lot of movies I love—Charade, The Bourne Identity—where two people are racing across Europe, trying to escape the police or solve a crime, and they’re falling in love. It’s just a storyline that I adore, and I thought, I would love so much to write this story about these characters. I hoped there’d be a time where I could do that, and I’m so happy that time came.

It’s especially exciting to me as a queer YA lover to see LGBTQ characters not fall prey to the “bury your gays” trope..

Exactly. You know, getting the book that is the indulgence of a wonderful fantasy that’s romantic and fun—and none of characters are suffering simply for who they are—it’s not as common as we’d like it to be. And so, why not? If I’m going to have the one book in this series that is kind of a fun adventure, it should be Magnus and Alec’s story.

I feel like Red Scrolls gives readers a really intimate look into Magnus’s inner psyche—like, beyond his “freewheeling bisexual” exterior . Is he as fun to write as he is to read?

People often ask me if I have a favorite character, and I always say “no.” It would be like picking between your children! So I usually say I don’t have a favorite character, but Magnus is the most fun to write in a lot of ways. His interior and his exterior are … very different. When we first meet Magnus, he’s immensely confident. And one of things I do love about him is that he is willing to put himself out there exactly how he is. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have insecurities—no questions, no shadows in his past. Everyone does. In this book, we see some of the things that have made Magnus the person that he is now, some of the times he passed through when he was younger and wasn’t as confident as he was now.

Speaking of LGBTQ characters, we also get quality time with future wives Aline Penhallow and Helen Blackthorn in Red Scrolls. What was it like diving into the #Heline origin story?

I love them. They’re so much fun! I got to write about them a bit in Queen of Air and Darkness, but again, they’re really secure—they’re married, they’re dealing with outside threats … Because [Red Scrolls] is a book that focuses on romance, I figured it would be so much fun to explore when they first met each other. I love them both—I just love how Aline says everything she’s thinking.

Oh, she’s such a chaotic lesbian. I love it.

And that’s what I love about [Aline and Helen] in Red Scrolls, too—that Aline just tries to cover up how much she likes Helen from the minute she meets her. She’s attracted to her, attracted to her personality; she thinks she’s fantastic and brave and awesome. She’s trying to hide that, but she can’t.

Can you speak on creating LGBTQ characters who aren’t solely defined by their sexuality?

I can only say that when I created Alec, he’s based in part on a friend of mine who I had growing up. We loved science fiction and fantasy books—that was what we loved to read, what we loved to talk about. And he’d tell me, “I never see myself in these books… Just once, I’d love to read about how [a gay character like me] is a sword-wielding badass.” And I was really struck by that. So when I set out to create Alec, I wanted his sexuality to be a part of his life, but not the only or even main part of his story.

I hope this helps. @max--lightwood-bane

#Magnus Bane #Alexander Lightwood #Alec Lightwood #The Red Scrolls of Magic #TRSOM #Cassandra Clare #The Eldest Curses #TEC #The Shadowhunter Chronicles #Aline Penhallow #Helen Blackthorn #TSC

[amostexcellentblog]

Judy Garland: Reflections on an Icon, Gay or Otherwise

Today, June 22, 2019, marks the 50th anniversary of the day we lost one of the world’s greatest entertainers, Judy Garland. In just a few days time we will observe an even more momentous 50th anniversary, that of the Stonewall Uprising which birthed the modern LGBTQ equality movement. If you’re familiar with your queer folk history, you’ll know there are those who claim this close timing is not a coincidence. But we’ll get to that later.

I first encountered Garland the way most people do--my parents showed me The Wizard of Oz when I was little. I don’t remember much of the experience aside from wanting to be a flying monkey for Halloween, and that “Over the Rainbow” made me cry, which was the first time any piece of media had made such an impact on me. It never really occurred to me that the woman who sang that song could have had a career beyond Oz until 12 years ago when I was just finishing Middle School and becoming interested in the Old Hollywood era. She was the first star I formed an emotional connection to, and as I happily made my way through her filmography and read up on her life I first encountered the phrase “gay icon.”

I knew what gay meant, obviously. I was vaguely aware of the LGBTQ and marriage equality movements, but at the time I mostly knew “gay” as the insult hurled at me seemingly everyday of Middle School for a series of things I never gave a second thought to but were apparently tell-tale signs that I was that way, and thus a figure deserving of torment--how I carried my books, how I sat, how I looked. My basic opinion of being gay at that point was that it’s fine for other people, but dear god don’t let this be my future!

So, when I realized that the star I was idolizing was famous for being idolized by gay men, I did what I’d become very adept at doing, I ignored the implications. Denial allowed me to spend high school working my way through her films, youtube videos, documentaries, and a biography without really examining why this woman resonated so much with me. So now, as we approached these two anniversaries, it seemed like a good time to finally try to sort through what she meant to me. What I ended up with instead is an essay that’s part personal reflection and part mediation on the meaning of the term “Gay Icon” in the era of Marriage Equality and Corporate-Sponsored Pride.

The term “Gay Icon” has been used to mean several similar, but different types of people. To clarify, when I talk about Gay Icons in this post, I’m talking specifically about a subset of gay icons related to the so-called “Diva Worship” culture among gay men. Nobody really seems to know why exactly gay men are so drawn to larger-than-life women, I’ve heard too many reasons to go into them all now, but even if not all of us go for the cliches (Cher, Gaga, etc.) pretty much every gay man has a female figure--real or fictional--they connect with in a way their straight male peers don’t.

Looking back, it’s obvious why Garland resonated with me. She was chronically insecure, especially about her looks--as was I. She spent her life wanting desperately to for someone to love her unconditionally and to be able to love them back, only to be denied this simple happiness time after time--well, of course that would resonate with a gay audience, especially in her lifetime. And she was a survivor, repeatedly cast aside by the press and the industry as washed up, she continually had the last laugh. She had a strength to her that I wanted. It was a different kind of strength than the physical/masculine kind offered by the pro-athletes and superheroes my male peers emulated, but which I found unrelatable and unappealing. Hers was a strength that came dressed in sequins and high heels, and I just thought it was fabulous.

Garland though, is more than just a gay icon, in a lot of ways she seems to be the gay icon. The popular code phrase “friend of Dorothy” is generally assumed to be a reference to her character in Oz. She maintained close friendships with gay men throughout her life, with whom she would frequent illegal gay bars on both coasts. Her father was a closeted homosexual, and biographers have speculated this is why so many of the men she was attracted to, both as friends and romantically, turned out to be gay or bi. She was one of the first celebrities to have their gay following acknowledged in the mainstream press. There’s even footage on youtube of her being asked directly about why she attracts so many “homosexuals,” and she is visibly thrown by it.

To understand why Garland would be so flustered over that question, it’s important to understand how being popular with the gay community was perceived in her lifetime. William Goldman’s The Season, his influential book about the 1967–68 season on and off Broadway, includes an account from an unnamed screenwriter friend describing a mid-1960s cocktail party that offers a fascinating glimpse at just that:

I can’t explain her appeal, but I saw it work once in this crazy way. I was at a party in Malibu... There were a lot of actors there, the word on them was that they were queer, but this was a boy-girl party, everyone was paired off, and these beautiful men and gorgeous broads were talking together and drinking together. Anyway, everything’s going along and it’s sunny, I’m getting a little buzzed... when I realized, Garland was in the room.

The guy she’s with, her husband, supports her as she plops down in this chaise, and says what she wants to drink and he goes off to get it. And she’s sitting all alone and for a minute there was nothing, and then this crazy thing started to happen. Every homosexual in the place, every guy you’d heard whispered about, they left the girls they were with and started to mass move towards Garland. She didn’t ask for it, she was just sitting there, while all these beautiful men circled her. They crowded around her and pretty soon she’s disappeared behind this expansive male fence. It may not sound like all that much, but I’m telling you, she magnetized them. 

I’ll never forget all those famous secret guys moving across this gorgeous patio without a sound, and her just sitting there, blinking. And then they were on her, and she was gone. (x)

Another passage describing one of her concerts in 1967, from Goldman himself, is even more blunt:

Another flutter of fags, half a dozen this time, and watching it all from a corner--two heterosexual married couples. “These fags” the first man says, “it’s like Auschwitz, some of them died along the way but a lot of them got here anyhow!” He turns to the other husband and shrugs, “Tonight, no one goes to the bathroom.” (x)

Both passages, laced with condescension, homophobia, and misogyny, are nevertheless useful windows into a pre-Stonewall way of looking at how far gay culture has come. Today Lady Gaga can sing “Don’t be a drag just be a queen” on a lead single and still reign as a queen of pop music, back then any association with homosexuality was enough to taint you. Garland’s popularity with gay men opens her up to condescending mockery, while gay men’s mere existence at a public event is enough to terrify the heterosexual attendees.

Still, the most revealing part of that last passage might not be the homophobia, but the opening reference to “another flutter of fags, half a dozen.” The fact that a decent amount of gay men evidently felt comfortable enough to express themselves at least somewhat openly at a mainstream public event is notable. In this pre-Stonewall era such openness was generally reserved for bars and other covert safe spaces.

Which brings us back to the first paragraph. If you know any queer folk history, then you’ve probably heard this one--Judy Garland’s funeral sparked the Stonewall Uprising. That fateful night in June the Stonewall Inn was packed with gay men still emotionally raw from losing their idol, so much so that when the police raided the joint they channeled that anger and loss, and fought back, and the modern LGBTQ movement was born! It’s a story that would solidify Garland’s status as the definitive gay icon, a martyr for the cause, (move over Harvey Milk!) Except, it’s not true. It’s been debunked multiple times. Most recently in this video from the NY Times.

I bring it up though, because even if she wasn’t the cause, she was still connected to that historic night, if only indirectly. Even as the NY Times video debunks the myth of her funeral causing it, two of the uprising’s participants interviewed do admit to being at Garland’s funeral, which really was held just hours before the violence started. Other accounts from people who patronized Stonewall have said that “Judy Garland” was a popular fake name to use on a sign-in book at the entrance. In other words, even if she didn’t cause them, she was still an important figure for some of the people who went on to build the modern equality movement.

As a final thought to wrap this all up, I’ve been thinking about Garland and her status as a gay icon. It’s no secret that as the years have passed by she’s been somewhat supplemented by younger icons for younger generations. There’s been some question over whether Garland even has a place in a gay culture that now has people like Lady Gaga and “Born This Way,” openly acknowledging their gay fans in ways Garland never could. 

At the same time, I can’t help but feel the recent debate over Taylor Swift’s gay-themed music video demonstrates why Garland still deserves her Gay Icon status, even if most younger queer people today don’t have the same connection to her that older generations did. Swift’s video, chocked full of every out celebrity who would return her calls and saturated in a rainbow-hue, has faced criticism for being “performative activism.” That after being fairly silent on the issue for so long she’s now trying to cash-in on the movement by branding her single a new gay anthem for Pride Month. The fact that with one exception, which misuses the word “shade,” the lyrics to the song sound more like they’re referring to Swift’s online haters rather than anti-LGBTQ bigots, certainly helps the critics’ case. As does the fact that Swift never seemed to have much interest in building a large gay following before this.

Yet there’s also a sense that this was inevitable. Corporations already roll out rainbow colored logos for Pride, in retrospect it seems obvious that celebrities, and their PR firms, would start deliberately trying to market themselves as a gay icon without first taking the time to build a large following in the LGBTQ community. (Gaga’s established gay fanbase undoubtedly blunted similar criticisms of “Born This Way,” for example.) Garland in this case then serves as a symbol of a time when the Gay Icon title wasn’t anointed by marketing campaigns, but emerged organically from a genuine affection for an individual held by a large number of queer people. A reminder of how important that affection was to members of our community, (and still is to many of us) even if it could only go one-way. And perhaps even a warning, of what we might lose if we let this important part of gay subculture be transformed into just another marketing gimmick.

But I’ll leave all that for another time. For now, I’ll just say, thank you Judy Garland. Thank you for all the joy and comfort you’ve given to generations of gay men. And thank you especially for the companionship you gave me while I was still figuring some things out.

#judy garland

[canallynwrite]

I bring asks: 2, 4, 7, 12, 13, 17, 26, 29, 30

thank you!

2 - HOW DID YOU DISCOVER YOUR SEXUALITY? TELL YOUR STORY.

for context: i’m biromantic asexual!

i was one of those kids who didn’t even know that it was actually possible to like girls as well as guys, so i only really discovered the lgbt+ community after i entered middle school and got access to the internet. the first time i actually thought about being anything other than straight was when my friend came out to me as bisexual. now, my first (or second, whatever) thought was: “does she like me?”

and nobody wants to be the person who thinks their not-straight friend of the same gender is into them just bc said not-straight friend came out to them, so after doing some research i did some self-reflection and realized my actual feelings were more akin to something like: “i hope she likes me.”

for the rest of the year i tried to convince myself that she was the exception to my straightness and was definitely not crushing hard on her. then at the end of the year i started dating someone who, after we dated for a week or so, came out as a trans dude, and i sort of just accepted my bisexuality. the last bit probably doesn’t make sense, but he was in the middle of figuring out his gender, so for a while he identified as a gal and that was when i first really acknowledged that yes, i am indeed very not straight. him coming out as trans just hammered my bi-ness. looking back on it, there were many signs that i was not straight at all. i just had zero language for my feelings!

my asexuality was just always there, tbh. i found out about asexuality after i accepted my bi-ness so as soon as i learned what it meant i just went ‘yah, that’s me. i’m ace.’

4 - WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON YOU TOLD? HOW DID THEY REACT?

uhhh, apart from the dude i was dating, probably the aforementioned friend who’d come out to me as bi. she was really happy for me and we celebrated my first coming out experience together!

7 - WHAT IS ONE QUESTION YOU HATE BEING ASKED ABOUT YOUR SEXUALITY?

i try not to get mad at ppl asking questions, bc i know that it is Quite Possible to not know much about sexuality (for the longest time i didn’t know ANYTHING) but biphobic and acephobic questions in general really get my goat. yes, asexuality is a thing that exists; no, i’m not going to cheat on my partner just bc i’m bi.

12 - WHAT’S THE STUPIDEST THING YOU’VE HEARD SAID ABOUT THE LGBT+ COMMUNITY?

tbh, any time a straight person starts talking about the lgbt+ community like they know everything about it and are Great Allies i have to roll my eyes. jordan, you’re straight as uncooked spaghetti and cisgender, please stop pretending your opinions have any authority here just bc you read a few articles on gender/sexual fluidity and have a gay friend or two. 

but, on a more well-known note, the stupidest thing i’ve heard would definitely have to be anything that those assholes who claim that the lgbt+ community includes pedophiles have ever said. that idea is both stupid and enraging.

13 - WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE THING ABOUT THE LGBT+ COMMUNITY AS A WHOLE?

i’ve seen lgbt+ people say a lot of stupid shit, even against other sexualities (especially against asexuality), but as a whole the lgbt+ community is extremely accepting and seems to have so many little niche corners for every possible interest or hobby. like, u want lgbt+ writers??? u got it, pal. a group lgbt+ athletes??? u may have to look a little harder than for the lgbt+ writers but damn, they’re there! blogs about lgbt+ animals in nature??? yes, that does exist!

it’s such a large community, filled with so many different types of people, which is what i love about it!

17 - HAVE YOU BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP? IF SO, HOW DID YOU MEET?

i’ve been in two! and am currently in,,,, something? it’s a little complicated. we both know we like each other (and i wish we were dating!) but we haven’t “””officially””” decided to go out. 

the other two were a) some dude i broke up with after two days lmao; we won’t talk about him, and b) the dude i talked about earlier! we met on a roleplaying forum for ppl in our area when we were younger and really hit it off. i asked him out two or three months after we met, and we were together for about six months before going off ‘n on. we “””officially””” broke up after a year or so bc he needed some time to himself for his mental health.

26 - WHAT IDENTITY ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR YOUNGER SELF?

well, for pre-middle-school me i’d sit her down and give her an hour long lecture on the lgbt+ community and recommend her some books w/ lgbt+ characters. she doesn’t know that being bi is possible so i’d also pull up an irl bi person as an example. for questioning!me, i think i’d just advise her not too push to hard against the idea of being bi. if you continue to like girls (and you will) then that’s okay and not something to tear yourself up about.

29 - WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WISH PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT BEING LGBT+?

a) we are, in fact, a very wide spectrum of individuals, and stereotyping irl people does not help anything. being interested in women does not make me super butch; it makes me, me.

b) being lgbt+ is most certainly not all peaches and if you act like it is then you are Very Wrong Indeed, my friend. tbh, i don’t have much for this point besides complaining about that one straight person who called themselves an ally but still tried to police who i came out to and implied that if i wasn’t okay with having my sexuality shouted out to the world in the middle of a crowded cafeteria then i must be repressing myself. so, yeah, don’t be like that person, kids.

30 - WHY ARE YOU PROUD TO BE LGBT+?

how persistent lgbt+ people - of the past and present - are. throughout every age and every culture, no matter if lgbt+ ppl are oppressed or accepted, you will find lgbt+ people. some are harder to find, because of hate towards people like them, but look hard enough and you will find them. even when lgbt+ people were persecuted, they were there. even in places where they could still be put to death today, they’re there, and they’re fighting.

the pink triangle was what nazis marked gay men with in concentration camps, but lgbt+ people, most notably the AIDS movement, have reclaimed it, taken it back and turned it into a positive symbol for lgbt+ people.

and that is why i’m proud to be lgbt+. to stand with these people is an absolute honor.

#lgbt+ #biromantic asexual #queer-coding #the pink triangle #pride month #ask me stuff! #asks #alessia-writes #tw: queer #my thoughts #yikes i wrote a lot #lgbt+ pride #well #have fun reading! #lgbt+ asks

[janiedean]

(1) Can I just say I hate all this Freddie Mercury biopic wank with a passion? Like, this hellsite went from "Queen is one of those boring 'classic' bands all whites are obsessed with bc they won't even consider new music by diverse artists u.u" to "WWRY is clearly a song about rebellious queer youth, cishets don't touch Queen u.u" after someone pointed out Freddie's ethnicity and sexuality, to "why aren't they making Freddie gay in the biopic!!!11" and... whatever they're whining about now.

(2) And I HATE looking at all this bs and thinking "fake fans", bc I'm pretty damn sure that by most standards, *I* count as a "fake fan", too. I mean, most stuff I know about the band's history is actually stuff about Freddie, thanks to a few documentaries centered around him and my mom, the long-time fan with a big crush on Freddie who introduced me to Queen when I was a kid. Hell, I couldn't even name all their albums or anything needed to be considered a "true fan". But ppl on here... ugh. (3) It's like they're really embarrassed bc they were called out on mistaking "woke" stuff for "unwoke" stuff, and now they have this desperate need to prove their ability to discern wokeness by getting offended about something they don't even care all that much about, as loudly and dramatically as they can.

HAHAHAHAHA.

okay so, tldr: I hate this discourse and I honestly hope that it dies within two weeks out of the biopic for a whole lot of reasons amongst which the ones you said, but like, this discourse actually highlights a shitload of issues with the usual tumblr discourse which I will gladly go into now because I’m fucking tired and this movie isn’t out yet.

now, premise: while I don’t think that true fans are a thing - at most there’s casual fans or in-depth fans but I mean, a fan is a fan so I don’t believe in the *fake* fans thing..... the problem here isn’t that they’re fakes. it’s that they aren’t fans. period.

other premise: from what you’ve said you’re a casual fan which is normal and you DON’T count as fake I mean if you like them and listen to them and know something it’s basically being a casual fan same as I am with idk the rolling stones, I like the famous stuff, I have the fundamental records and I like them when they’re on but that’s it.

but, yours truly is a Not Casual Queen Fan in the sense that a) I got into them when I was seventeen and I’m thirty now so thanks it’s been a while, b) I own all the records, c) I own a decent portion of roger taylor’s/brian may’s solo records (and I have listened to all of them that I couldn’t buy), d) I went to see them live once (k it was with paul rodgers but nvm guys not my fault if I wasn’t born in time for freddie) and I love queen’s music and I’m also fucking cishet and you know what? these people Are Not Fans and they should stop pretending they are and just stop making themselves look like assholes.

SPECIFICALLY:

the movie’s not out yet and I’ve had to see FIFTEEN ‘FRIENDLY REMINDER TO ALL CISHETS THAT FREDDIE MERCURY WAS GAY (at least a couple said he was bi and they were less asshole-ish) AND POC AND IF YOU DON’T KNOW YOU’D BETTER LEARN NOW HAHAHAHA YOU THOUGHT HE WASN’T. spoilers: every fucking casual queen fan who has bothered to buy three records knows that. yes, also the cishets. like, as someone who went from VERY CASUAL (ie: I know three songs) to NOT CASUAL in the span of two months I can 100% assure you that before getting into queen the usual preconceptions are that freddie was gay and that queen = freddie + three other people. the first three things you learn when getting into queen are (more or less in order but it can change) that a) the band was actually brian may + roger taylor first, b) that roger brought freddie in because they knew each other already, c) that mary austin was a fundamental person in freddie’s life and that she was also brian may’s ex and knew him first before they got together, d) the members’s backstories including where freddie was born, so like...... this idea that CASUAL CISHET FANS wouldn’t know that freddie was a) not heterosexual, b) poc is just something a NON-FAN would say because guess what, most queen fans even at a casual level are 100% aware that freddie was a) not heterosexual, b) not ethnical british. and saying that OMG CISHETS DON’T KNOW it’s ridiculous because guess what, everyone knows and if they have no idea they do, though luck, we did;

(spoilers: I also am 99% sure that those ppl have no idea that roger and brian actually sing on the records and composed a shitload of the music and queen =/= ONLY FREDDIE but okay)

they have no idea that rock music in the 70s/80s was not so heteronormative and was not the cishetmalething they think it is. like, please look at led zeppelin (ie THE PEOPLE WITHOUT WHOM YOU WOULDN’T HAVE HEAVY METAL) and tell me they were heteronormative. like, you saw robert plant? yeah, me too. and the thing was that queen were revolutionary in the sense that they brought an operatic/theatrical approach to the music that no one tried before but guess what, the point is that they made it sell. the thing that I would like tumblr Woke People to grasp is that what made queen groundbreaking as far as Wokeness goes is that they managed to sell and become the monster-moneymaking group they were (while keeping things quality) with a frontman who was Not Heterosexual, Did Not Try To Pass For Heterosexual One Day In His Life and Never Shied Away From It. like, idk if people are aware that while the scene was way less heteronormative than they think it still wasn’t the most openly talked about topic around (I mean guys elton john did marry a woman at some point X°DDD), but going around in the seventies flaunting your non-heterosexualness around and selling millions of copies making your stage persona a selling point of your music wasn’t exactly common. like ffs one of the most famous queen songs has a video where for 3/4 of the time they’re in drag and the other part has freddie performing with the royal ballet (and guess what the song was actually written by john deacon and the idea of doing the video in drag was roger taylor’s and none of them as far as we know is Not Heterosexual, but never mind giving the rest of the band some credit when it came to Not Caring About Heteronormativity) and fine, that video was banned/controversial, but it still was a huge british hit and it’s in the top five queen songs Everyone Knows. and tbh I’m terrified of that video being shown in the biopic (which it should since the works was from ‘84 and they stop at ‘85) because I’m 100% sure that those people have no idea it exists and when they find out how long is it gonna take them to decide that IT’S PROBLEMATIC? I mean, Woke Kids on here think the rhps is problematic, I’m shuddering at the thought of what they’d think of the i want to break free video;

actually a lot of us cishet queen fans might have had a wake up call including, er, finding out certain preferences, thanks to either their music or their shows or their videos (*cough* I 100% assure you that watching roger taylor in drag was what made me realize crossdressing was my thing for good like I knew before but I didn’t actually put two and two together until I saw that video and went like ‘............. AH WELL SHIT THEN THAT’S IT FAIR ENOUGH’), and a lot of us cishet queen fans who weren’t, like, strictly playing to heteronormative rules back in the day found a lot to relate to in their music even without being queer ourselves and guess what I’ve never met a single queen *fan* who could give less of a damn about freddie’s ethnicity or orientation (as in: everyone was a-okay with it) regardless of their background. that was what made them groundbreaking and extremely important as well, because they managed to be that kind of record-selling records-breaking band while not shying away from having a Not Heterosexual frontman AND Not Heteronormative Heterosexual Band Members Who Also Didn’t Give Two Fucks About Their Lead Singer’s Sexuality so going like OMG NOW WE’RE GONNA TEACH YOU THAT FREDDIE WASN’T HETEROSEXUAL BECAUSE WE’RE WOKE is ridiculous because dearest susan, we already knew and we already were woke about that and to us he was the frontman of a band we liked for a bunch of reasons;

also I don’t think people realize that freddie was a role model/example for the entire next generation of rock bands frontmen even in genres that had zilch to do with him - I mean guys AXL ROSE had a hero-worship for freddie and sang bohemian rhapsody at the freddie memorial concert WITH ELTON JOHN and grn really aren’t the same exact sphere as queen jsyk, but if you look at axl on stage esp. when he was younger? guys. it’s obvious. like you can see the influence. but lmao, now ALL the very cishet(-ish) singers who OPENLY SAID FREDDIE INFLUENCED THEM DIDN’T KNOW ACCORDING TO TUMBLR DOT COM?

LIKE, fuck’s sake, one of freddie’s major accomplishments in that sense was to ending up being a role model for younger singers in a genre where heteronormativity is way less common than everyone thinks BUT where not many people esp. back in the day would be open about their sexuality because it still was a taboo-ish thing -- like, gender roles were a lot more blurred but you wouldn’t hear many of those people admitting openly they were bi or gay or Not Heterosexual and the entirety of the rock scene especially mainstream but also not was entirely fucking aware of it, do these people think THE FANS wouldn’t?

also, we will rock you was WRITTEN BY BRIAN MAY AND IT WAS ABOUT A FUCKING ENCORE WHERE THE FANS SURPRISED THEM AT ONE SHOW IN LIKE MID-SEVENTIES which already shows that They Know Nothing because if they think freddie wrote all the queen songs then it’s already obvious they have no fucking clue about how queen worked as a band because all the members contributed something (guys john deacon wrote at least two of their major hits, roger taylor sang on all the records along with brian may and if you hear the back harmonies on ‘39 he goes way higher than freddie and a part in seaside rendezvous has both him and freddie mimicking other instruments with their voice and you wouldn’t know if no one told you first, brian may wrote a SHITLOAD of music for queen and it was an all-four effort, not just freddie + three other generic british dudes for fuck’s sake) so like, anyone saying that is already giving ample proof that they have no idea;

now of course you can interpret it as whatever the hell you want, but assuming that all of queen’s music that might relate to queer issues was written by freddie ABOUT QUEER ISSUES (this when freddie’s main topic of interest was... not really discussing his sexuality especially in the seventies like again, I want to break free is one of the queen to-go songs everyone brings up when it comes to that topic and IT WAS WRITTEN BY SOMEONE ELSE and the video concept was THANKS TO SOMEONE ELSE) just shows that a) you don’t know shit about the band’s history, b) you’re not a fan because you didn’t even bother to look it up on wiki, c) you’re trying to look woke at all costs;

they have NO FUCKING CLUE that most people in the 70s/80s/90s in the business were NOT politically correct according to their standards LIKE LITERALLY NO ONE WAS;

goes unsaid they probably haven’t listened to one full queen album from beginning to end not even the greatest hits.

tldr: I hate that they don’t seem to realize that things existed before 2005 and that music in the 70s/80s COULD and WAS diverse and *woke* already before they were even born, I hate that they decided that ALL CISHETS DIDN’T KNOW when thank you I think even my damned parents know and they don’t listen to rock music, I hate that they decided that queen APPARENTLY DIDN’T HAVE A FANBASE BEFORE THEM (lol) or that that fanbase didn’t understand them (triple-lol), I hate that they’re reducing freddie to his sexuality when he didn’t want that in the first place, I hate that they’re falling into THE MAIN MISCONCEPTION AROUND ABOUT THIS BAND as in THAT IT WAS FREDDIE + THREE OTHER PEOPLE and not an all-around group effort of people who were friends and deeply loved/respected each other and put the same share of work into it, I hate that they moment they see the movie and are introduced to the actual music/the actual story they’ll MOST LIKELY find problematic things to wank about because like hell they wouldn’t and I hate that they’re basically pretending to give a fuck about a band that I love and have loved dearly in a very non-casual way when they actually fucking don’t.

fucking hell please never let anyone make a biopic about either springsteen or led zeppelin or other people I actually like because this is bad enough, I don’t even want to think of what tumblr ppl would say if they knew anything about any rock artist of medium-large fame back in the day. peace.

#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #queen for ts #let's see how fast wank arrives #I HOPE IT DOESN'T #god i hate this discourse BURN IT #lgbt for ts #haljathefangirlcat #ask post

[writeforsoreeyes]

BL LookBack - Gerard & Jacques

Welcome to BL LookBack, where I’m rereading some of the oldest BL series still on my shelves to see how well they hold up for me today!

[image description: the covers of Gerard & Jacques volumes 1 and 2. On the first, an older man with an eyepatch and facial scar embraces a disgruntled teenage boy from behind. On the second, the two characters, both older, stare at each other tenderly.]

story & art by Fumi Yoshinaga originally serialized 2000 - 2001 (Biblos) English edition: 2006 (Tokyopop)

CW: rape, age gap

Fumi Yoshinaga is one of my favorite mangaka. Her diverse body of work includes award-winning alternate history (Ooku: The Inner Chambers), self-deprecating autobio comics (Not Love But Delicious Foods), and bittersweet school life drama (Flower of Life). But what she’s perhaps best known for are her many BL titles.

As a big fan, I’ve read pretty much all her manga and I usually recommend her titles quite enthusiastically. Gerard & Jacques, however, is one Yoshinaga manga that I generally do not recommend. My content warnings on this post probably give you a good idea of why, but let’s dive into it.

Set roundabouts the French Revolution, Gerard & Jacques follows the relationship of two men over the course of nine years. Jacques is the younger of the pair at just 16 when the story begins. He hails from an aristocratic family, but experiences a severe reversal of fortune: his family has sunken deep into debt and his father sold Jacques to a brothel in attempt to save the family’s wealth.

Gerard, meanwhile, is a commoner-- albeit a very wealthy one. He frequents brothels and is a favorite patron of many of the workers since he is younger and more attentive than most of the clientele. Since it’s Jacques’ first night on the job, the brothel owner decides that Gerard will be the best way to ease him into it.

Jacques, however, is understandably in shock about his new reality. He reveals to Gerard that he is an aristocrat and Gerard in turn reveals that he hates aristocrats, stating that they do nothing to earn their wealth. Furthermore, Jacques’ defense of his family’s actions angers Gerard. He makes Jacques face the facts of his situation and Jacques finally tells Gerard to do whatever he wants.

[image description: Gerard hold Jacques by the chin and tells him, “Think about it! What are you now? Do you have any means to pay off your debt other than selling your own body?” He lets Jacques go and continues, “And even in this state, a first-rate prostitute like you is blessed with a feather pillows, three meals a day and silk bed clothes. Younger children than you sell their bodies in places no better than a public toilet!”]’

Although consent is given on paper, it’s hard to call what occurs in chapter 1 anything besides rape.

Usually, this is where I’d drop a BL. However, the saving grace of Gerard & Jacques is that chapter 1 doesn’t end there. Instead, it ends with Gerard taking pity on Jacques. He buys out Jacques’ contract and challenges him to find a way to earn a living as a commoner, stating “If I see you back here [at the brothel] when I next return, I’ll scorn you from the bottom of my heart.”

Not long after, Jacques turns up at Gerard’s mansion looking for work, not realizing who lives there. Although he’s taken aback upon seeing Gerard, Jacques is still eager to prove himself. Gerard openly doubts that Jacques will be useful, but hires him regardless.

Here is the crux of Gerard & Jacques: the story’s setup is deeply problematic. But where a less talented mangaka would slip into weak character development and tired tropes in favor of exploiting the scenario’s raciness, Yoshinaga works hard to prove there is a story worth reading here. As for how successful she ultimately is… your mileage may vary.

Let’s talk about what’s done well first.

Yoshinaga excels at writing characters with complex emotions and motivations. Jacques is naive and repressed when it comes to sexual matters. However, he is also an intelligent, hard-working, and prideful person who isn’t afraid to tackle tasks that other people think are below him. After being turned out by his family, what he wants most is to prove his worth.

[image description: a maid praises Jacques for working hard and finding tasks to do without being told, ending with “That’s the sign of a good servant.” Jacques is pleased.]

Jacques, for obvious reasons, got a poor first impression of Gerard, so he’s surprised to learn that Gerard treats his servants very kindly and is well-liked by therm. As a self-made man, Gerard has enough reason to dislike pampered, frivolous aristocrats. (Note: Gerard made his fortune by penning erotica. There’s certainly some meta going on here, as that is also how Yoshinaga built her career.) 

However, it doesn’t take long for Yoshinaga to divulge Gerard’s past and reveal the real reason behind his ire. I won’t go into the details because it’s all obviously spoilers. But, in short, Gerard was hurt badly by someone he loved and has never forgiven them-- nor has he forgiven himself for being blinded by his love.

[image description: Jacques asks Gerard, “Is this love?” Gerard is surprised by the question, then he looks down and responds, “How should I know?”]

As someone who primarily reads to experience other people’s emotions, I appreciate the care that Yoshinaga takes in crafting believable personalities and depicting the characters’ emotions clearly on the page. She isn’t afraid to use several panels to simply show a small shift in a character’s expression. In relatively few chapters, she covers a lot of emotional ground while showing how the two main characters’ feelings for each other change.

[image description: Jacques lays on Gerard’s chest and pets his hair, saying “I like you...” Unseen by Jacques, Gerard moves as if to put his arm around Jacques and return his embrace, but pulls away.]

Yoshinaga also manages to pack an awful lot of plot into just two volumes without the story feeling too rushed. Nearly a decade goes by! There’s the events that shift Gerard and Jacques relationship, story lines that reveal backstory, and, of course, plots driven by Revolutionary France politics. There’s so much political and legal talk at some parts, in fact, that you might momentarily forget you’re reading a BL. While some readers may be uninterested in such plots, I personally enjoy romance stories that have something else going on within them besides romance.

Finally, I greatly appreciate that Yoshinaga steered clear of the Bury Your Gays trope. It’s a spoiler to even say so, but I think it’s important to know, especially for queer readers: neither Gerard nor Jacques die. I won’t say anything more about the ending than that.

[image description: Gerard and Jacques are arguing whether Jacques should flee the country alone or if Gerard should come with. Jacques stands his ground, saying “I won’t go unless you do!”]

Now let’s talk about the bad stuff.

The number one issue I take with Gerard & Jacques is its double standard surrounding sexual consent. In essence, the reader is meant to presume that since Jacques ultimately enjoys the sexual pleasure he receives from Gerard, that means that his consent is good and golden-- and thus it’s not rape. By contrast, when another character forces sexual attention on people, it’s plainly depicted as sexual assault and rape. Obviously, that’s not how it works in real life.

There’s also a weird, pseudo-incestuous vibe. Gerard is quite a lot older than Jacques (roughly twice his age when they first meet, I think). Furthermore, Jacques’ background and kind-heartedness remind Gerard of a girl who he considered his daughter. Gerard even tells Jacques when he is older, “I loved you like my own child, but that’s not all now. I love you like my lover.” While no actual incest occurs, I’m sure this alone will turn off plenty of readers.

[image description: Gerard comments to the maid that Jacques looked cute dressed up in aristocratic attire. She remarks, “What a fond father you are.” He thinks on this, then repeats, “A fond father. I see.”]

Finally, there’s some unfortunate Man in a Dress style transphobia. Gerard disguises himself as a woman briefly for plot reasons and, in short, some characters note that the look doesn’t suit him. The way it’s executed is much gentler than most other Man in a Dress joking I’ve seen, but it’s still bothersome.

Overall, Gerard & Jacques isn’t bad. In fact, I’d say that Yoshinaga pulls off the story rather well within the confines of the problematic scenario. However, I think the story would’ve been far better without the rape between the two leads.

[image description: Jacques frowns at a manuscript and says, “No matter how many times I read this, it’s still just a crappy, erotic trash novel.” Gerard replies, “It sells. What’s the problem?”]

If this review has made you curious despite the warnings, I do think it’s a worthwhile read so long as you are prepared for objectionable content. But for people put off by the various warnings, I’d encourage you to check out something else by Fumi Yoshinaga. My two personal favorite series from her are Antique Bakery (workplace slow burn drama) and What Did You Eat Yesterday? (half cookbook, half slice of life about a middle aged gay couple.) Neither of these are actually BL in the proper sense, but both prominently feature gay main characters.

*final verdict: I was put off by its premise when I first read it and my feelings on it haven’t much changed. It’s well-done, but the creator has other works I’d recommend more.*

#gerard & jacques #fumi yoshinaga #bl lookback

[mykidsgay]

Is an 8-Year-Old Too Young to Know He’s Gay?

“My 8-year-old son is self-identifying as gay. He has grown up in a household where sexuality is openly discussed and his aunt is gay. Is this too young to understand? I asked him if he understood what gay meant and he said, "Um, Mom, I want to marry a boy when I grown up." My husband and I have a difference of opinion on how to proceed. Please help.”

Question Submitted Anonymously Answered by Julie Tarney

—

First off, I want to congratulate you and your husband for creating a gay-positive environment in your home. When every parent can say their child is growing up in a home where sexuality is openly discussed, we will have moved that much closer to a society that fully accepts and respects the spectrum that exists in how we love and who we love. I’m hopeful you both realize how loved and safe your son must feel to share what he knows about himself with you.

As a society we tend to assume that all kids are straight, but that is just not true. In addition to teaching your son about sexuality and the variety that exists in romantic attractions, I applaud you for giving him the language to express his sensibility of love and affection. His simple explanation of wanting to marry a boy when he grows up reflects an understanding of what the possibilities are for love, and how natural it is to be gay.

Your son’s answer about what it means to be gay also makes me wonder if maybe he has a crush on another boy. And that, too, would be perfectly natural! Experts say kids usually develop their first childhood crush at age 5 or 6. Kindergarten teachers will tell you that playground weddings at recess are not uncommon, and I can even remember my son fashioning a wedding dress out of toilet paper even before he was 3. If your son is crushing, he obviously isn’t feeling any pressure to crush on a girl or think there’s something wrong with him for wanting to marry a boy someday.

Even adults who think a first crush is cute and innocent, not an indicator of the child’s sexuality, typically still default to the idea that a child is going to fall in love with and marry someone not of the same gender. That tends to be true even when there’s someone in the family who’s gay, like his aunt.

It sounds to me like you and/or your husband assumed your eight year old was straight, and now that he’s told you otherwise, with a good grasp of what it means to be gay, you are surprised and don’t understand how he could know that at his age. I don’t think you’re alone in that belief, but I’m here to tell you that he is not too young to know who he is.

Most people think that gay people come out as teenagers (or later), and that they couldn’t possibly know about sexuality before puberty. But with heightened visibility of LGBTQ people and a progressive shift in social attitudes—your own family, for example—children are feeling safe to come out at younger ages. My son was eight years old when he told his dad and me in 1998 that he was “different from other boys.” He didn’t have the education or language that your son has to be so articulate, nor did he have LGBTQ-themed children’s books or the vast number of openly LGBTQIA celebrities in music, sports, or television that exist today.

You asked for advice on how to proceed, and that’s normal! This is presumably uncharted territory for you and your husband. Some parents worry about their child being happy or having a difficult life because they’re gay. So if you’re among them, here are a few Do’s and Don’ts I have for you on how to proceed as the parents of a happily out, gay 8-year-old.

DO: Believe him. Trust your son to know himself, regardless of his age. How he thinks about his sexuality today might change, or it might not. My son first came out to his dad and me as bisexual. Later, he told us he was gay—and later still as nonbinary. Validate and accept him for where he is today.

DO: Love him unconditionally, whether he’s gay, bisexual, or straight. Tell him you love him and always will, just for being the amazing kid he is.

DO: Follow your son’s lead and be open to further discussion. Let him know he can always talk to you about anything and that you’re there to answer any questions he might have about love or relationships as best you can.

DON’T: Focus on your expectations. His coming out has nothing to do with you or what you imagined his life would be like.

DO: Be patient. Personal growth is a lifetime journey of discovering who we are, and our orientation is just one small part of that.

DO: Talk to his aunt. You might be surprised to learn there was a time gap between when she realized she was gay and when she first told someone. Talking to other gay people, too, can help put the coming out age in perspective for you.

DO: Mention his orientation to his teachers (with your son’s permission, of course). Let them know you expect him to be fully supported at school.

DO: Take some time for yourself to get comfortable with the idea that your son identifies as gay. If you have more questions along the way, I strongly recommend you pick up a copy of This Is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids. The book’s question-and-answer format makes it easy to find just what you’re looking for.

DON’T: Worry so much. Save that for when he wants to get his driver’s license!

DO: Find a parent support group. If you or your husband are having difficulty adjusting to the idea that your second grader is gay, seek out your local PFLAG chapter. You’ll quickly learn that you’re not alone.

DO: Educate yourself. Understand the issues that LGBTQIA kids face in school. Become involved in the movement for equality, even if that means simply becoming a voice for your child’s rights as an individual. Familiarize yourself with LGBTQ history: kids and adults alike should know that queer people stretch back across every generation of human existence, and that there’s nothing wrong or abnormal about being gay. Finally, learn the language of sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression. It’s an ever-expanding glossary, and there’s a good chance your son may already know more terms than you or your husband do.

DO: Hug your son often. Tell him you love him. Repeat.

***

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#my kid is gay #coming out #too young to know #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqia #julie tarney

[dgcatanisiri]

I’m probably just repeating myself on the subject of Dorian/BioWare’s queer male rep here, so feel free to ignore this, I just need to vent some steam on the subject, usual tags are in play here if you want to just silence this stuff.

On a conceptual level, I understand the reasons why Dorian is looked at so positively. He’s a main character in a AAA game, a character whose sexuality is a part of his portrayal in a way that makes it clear WHY he’s not a romance for female characters instead or in addition to. There’s even at the least an attempt at making him more of a rounded character than just being defined by his sexuality.

But I just... DON’T. CARE. for this character as an individual. On a personality level. I find him obnoxious at best, would never move beyond the ‘friend of a friend’ point in my interactions with him, is not someone who I want to spend my time around. All that BEFORE he becomes the worst boyfriend in Trespasser, telling the Inquisitor that they’re now going to have a long-distance relationship (meaning that they don’t even discuss this, he is dictating terms to the man he supposedly loves, and no one at BioWare even thought this might be objectionable). I don’t like Dorian, and nothing can change that at this point.

And, in the way that Inquisition set up its romances, that effectively locks me out of romances, since I’m uncomfortable at best with Bull’s romance - I’m ace, I’m not in the dom/sub style relationships, so Bull literally does not provide what I want (I feel like he COULD, but that wasn’t offered, so...). And so in a game where I theoretically and on paper have choices, I get NOTHING instead.

I know, these are my issues, my problems. But the fact that if I lead with “I don’t like Dorian,” I still feel like I’m sticking my head in a noose for the fandom at large to pull the lever is... It’s many things, but I’m going to stick with a singular word of “aggravating” for right now.

Because I DO understand why fandom would be protective of a gay character in this position. I really do. Hell, I genuinely did start out in that position - go back to the period of my first run through Inquisition in my ‘dg plays dragon age’ tag (it’s like hundreds of pages back now, but...), I romanced him. I was excited. Hell, pre-release, I was excited for what he offered.

But the thing is, I look at him now, with the luster worn off, I don’t see the character that I wanted him to be. I find him a retread of gay characters I’ve seen dozens of times over. Because all his story in the game really cares about is showing him as suffering the most standard story gay people get in media, the “my family couldn’t accept me because of this” story. And... I really don’t need that. Not after seeing every gay character in media I can think of face this.

And I mean, I get it, there’s a reason people stay closeted. Hell, there’s a reason I am not out to the majority of my family (I live in Kansas, I have farm family - I even have a distinct feeling that one of my relatives, who is in like his forties/fifties and isn’t married, is gay, but is content to do the ‘don’t ask, I won’t tell’ thing with the rest of the family, because he still lives in that area). I understand WHY this is still a story that gets a lot of play. And I know that, to the struggling person - not even just kids, there are grown ass adults I know connect to this - who hasn’t come to terms with themselves, it does have meaning.

My issue is just... I have seen this story. I KEEP seeing this story. Even freaking GLEE, where everyone KNEW that Kurt Hummel was gay because from the pilot on, the character was dressed as flamboyantly as possible, had this story, even if it came early - it was still a well they tapped.

And to me, that story getting repeated, over and over, loses its power and impact. It even becomes a weight - this is such a repeated story, all it ends up being for me is a reminder of how HARD it is to be queer. That being queer is, in and of itself, a cause for angst and pain and hardship.

And I just think of what things were like for the version of me who was scared of this part of himself. And what I see is that if all he was getting in his representation of being gay, being queer, is the pain and hardships of being gay, it would just push him further into the closet.

I don’t see empowerment in characters like Dorian, overcoming homophobia. I just see YET. ANOTHER. instance where a queer person faces pain because they dared to try and live openly as themselves. As a reduction to where their queerness is the only thing that they contribute to the narrative, because that’s all that the time the camera focuses on them wants to offer as characterization. That, by making this Dorian’s personal quest, the point where we the players get to spend time learning more about him as a person, the game is saying this is all that it wants you to remember about him, that he’s gay.

And we get that again with Steve Cortez - his time in ME3, despite the fact that the writing of his story wouldn’t need any change if he’d lost a wife, is SOLELY devoted to him getting over this loss, to how he is stuck in that pain, there’s very little done to establish who he is outside of his loss and pain - and then yet AGAIN with Gil, who is being pushed to a heteronormative lifestyle, even though he ISN’T heterosexual. And, like I’ve been over plenty, his writing in Andromeda doesn’t even REALIZE that it’s in the wrong to be pushing him like this.

And all these characters are so dependent on their sexualities as a part of their characterization, being a focal point for how their narratives treat them. If you changed their sexualities, they would need MASSIVE rewrites. Even Cortez, who, yeah, you could make Robert “Roberta,” but if you removed his prior marriage, which, in ME3, is literally about 90% of his characterization... Still needs a new story. Even if it had thematic relevance to ME3′s story of war... In context with his fellow gay men? That doesn’t exactly set him apart.

BioWare offers NUMERIC representation. but when it comes to offering representation that isn’t just “here’s a gay, they talk about gay things, that’s all you need, right?”... No, that’s not all I need.

I need a queer person, a gay person, specifically a male character (I mean, we could talk about BioWare’s handling of F/F characters while we’re here, but I’ve been going on for a while now, this is probably long enough as it is without opening THAT can of worms) who ISN’T defined by the fact that he is a gay person.

Because I’m not. Like, yeah, I talk about it a lot here on Tumblr, and that’s at least part because this is a safe place - here, anyone who’s going to judge me for being queer - being VOCALLY queer - can be blocked and ignored with no problem. But off Tumblr? I have PLENTY of other things that generate potential angst. This isn’t all that defines me.

But this is what defines my representation in BioWare games. And, like I’ve been over recently, I see at least part of it as just the basic generational gap between me and BioWare writers. But that just leads me to where I have no idea how to resolve this issue. Because unless they fit more people at the writer’s table, or established hands leave so they can be replaced - and specifically by younger queer writers who recognize this - I don’t see how this problem fixes itself.

Because they’re going to keep telling the stories they think need telling. And, again, I’m not discounting that the stories selected for... Well, for Dorian and Cortez, at least, I’m never forgiving the bullshit surrounding Gil’s story and how it reduces him to an accessory for a character who is only in the game for like two minutes tops. But... I need different stories.

And the thing is, no one is offering them. My go-to metaphor here is that while they’re focusing on tossing the life preserver to the people actively drowning, I’m still getting pulled out to sea. It’s not that they don’t need help, or I don’t understand why they would be the first focus. But it feels like ignoring that I’m not getting what I need because the perceived need of someone else is “greater,” that I “can wait,” that I’m less “in need,” because I’m not in the position traditionally viewed as being most at risk of self-harm by being without that representation.

Which... At best, it’s cold comfort. At worst, it actively drags you down further that hole, because it leads to that feedback loop of “I’m not important enough to be represented. I don’t really need it as much, I can get by in my own little dark pit.”

And I get that there’s no simple, one step solution. This is something that is caused by factors way beyond just BioWare themselves. I don’t necessarily fault the writers as individuals or anything for only doing so much - I’m aware that they have to make compromises that are imposed on them from on high, and that it’s very likely that if they didn’t have that looming specter of answering to some corporate suit - and corporate suits are, by their nature and definition, conservative at best - they’d offer more, so they try and hit the broad spectrums more than the specific niche, that ANY queer character ends up in a double bind because of the barren landscape they’re posed against, so that everyone wants them to be everything, and get upset when they aren’t.

Just... This is the situation I’m in now. This is the state of affairs that I’m stuck in. Right now, BioWare offers the best options available, but even “best options available” fails to work for me. And that’s... damn disheartening.

#dg rants #another angry queer rant #dorian critical #dg plays dragon age #dg plays mass effect #bioware critical #in the 'corporate and societal pressure forces them to be this way' kind of critical fashion

[christinamirabilis]

gay ask game for gays only (stolen from @fakeking)

doing this myself cos i’m bored and i don’t care

1. describe your idea of a perfect date?  okay like, perfect date that is (currently) unrealistic would be an extended overseas vacation with my love - somewhere warm but with lots of exciting things to do - culture, shopping, nightlife - i’m thinking like mediterranean europe, south america, thailand.  skinny dipping, lazy days lying in bed all day in a room with open French doors leading out onto a balcony with a nice view over cobbled streets and a warm breeze stirring the sheet white curtains, sitting outside a café eating delicious food, buying cool shit at the markets... just, yeah, travel.  perfect.

but otherwise, i guess like honestly my favourite thing to do is to go to a bar somewhere with outdoor seating where it’s warm, and we get antipasto platters and sangria or pizza and margaritas, or just whatever, food and drink, and we sit for hours and chat.  there’s a bar on the waterfront that has a bunch of beanbags out on the lawn and you can order food and drink and i went there once with soph and it was really nice even though we ended up having a fight later that night and it was awful, but i wanna go back there next summer i think, with a cute girl who loves me and isn’t planning on leaving lmao.  but anyway.

2. whats your “type”?  honestly i don’t really know like i just really love girls?  all girls?  i mean i guess i like girls who are curvy or a little on the chubby side, with an “alternative” look in some way - crazy hair or tattoos and piercings or just in the way they dress.  girls with loud laughs and big appetites and dirty minds.  i mean, i’m pretty much describing myself here, i’m aware of that.  there’s probably something ominously freudian or whatever in the fact that i’m attracted to girls who are similar to, but better versions of, me, but it’s whatever.  

3. do you want kids?  yeah i think i do.  it’s something i go back and forth on.  it’s not something that i absolutely need to be happy - i have dated people in the past who have not wanted children and honestly it’s more important to me to be with someone who i feel is my soulmate but who won’t have kids with me, rather than someone who i don’t love as much but who will?  but yeah i do want kids, i think, but i’m not sure, and i’m not set on it?

4. if you do, will you adopt or use some other form of child birth? well i’m definitely not getting pregnant myself.  if my partner wants to get pregnant, that would be fine, although i’m gonna have to get over my phobia of pregnant people lmao.  but i think my first choice would be adoption, purely because there are so many kids in the system who need a loving home, so i feel like it would be better for the world if i could make a tiny difference by adopting some of those kids?

5. describe the cutest date you’ve ever been on? ah man i don’t even know.  i’m just thinking about all the things i did with sophie and it’s making me sad so i’m not going to answer this one haha.

6. describe your experience having sex for the first time (were you nervous? or was it easy peasy?)?  i mean, yeah, i was nervous, but more than anything i was kind of like, “oh wow, this is really happening,” because it was a girl who i’d been on one date with and then we met up in town a few days later and i went home with her.  i was mostly worried that i tasted bad?  but i personally didn’t struggle with it like it just felt natural, and i was pretty stoked that i made her cum several times on my first time, like, i was worried i would be “bad” at it or whatever.

7. are you a morning time gay or night time gay?  night time gay.

8. opinion on nap dates?  good.

9. opinion on brown eyes?  good.

10. dog gay or cat gay?  i like both.  i am bipetual, if you will.  but if i had to choose, cats - but only marginally.

11. would you ever date someone who owned rodents or reptiles?  of course, except probably not snakes, but there are no snakes in new zealand.  but i love rats, and i don’t mind lizards and stuff.

12. whats a turn off you look for before you start officially dating someone?  if they’re polyamorous, non-monogamy is my only absolute dealbreaker - and in my experience, the consequences of trying non-monogamy have, for me anyway, been disastrous.

13. what is a misconception you had about lgb people before you realized you were one?  well, to be honest, i’d never ~met~ a gay person, to my knowledge, like, no one that was openly out (although in hindsight i had probably met a few) - and certainly no one that i had more than a passing interaction with, until my friend nic came to the therapeutic community i was living in.  and it was such a shock to me to meet someone who was so openly gay and so confident and unashamed?  because, to me, i had nothing against gay people, but i just felt like i myself couldn’t be one, there was shame to it somehow (a lot of this is tied into my ptsd, it’s hard to explain without going into all of that which i don’t feel like doing) - and i expected that other gay people would similarly be ashamed, like it was some kind of illness that they couldn’t help and they didn’t choose and that they’d rather be straight if they could.  and yeah, so it was a shock meeting nic.  but it was life changing, because it gave me room to consider what i had been in denial about for so long - that maybe i was gay too.  so i’ll always be so very grateful to nic for being in my life in general, because we went through recovery together, but particularly because she allowed me the opportunity to become my true self, and that has been more liberating than anything.

14. what is a piece of advice you would give to your younger self?  i guess to not worry, and that things will become clear to her when she’s ready - and to not worry about why she doesn’t find boys attractive and what might be wrong with her, and especially not to do the dangerous and self-destructive things she did (sending nudes to and sexting a boy she had never met, which could have gone horribly fucking wrong - and for all i know he might have shown all of his mates, but this was prior to social media and smart phones so it wouldn’t have been that bad, getting herself into a situation where she was date-raped at a party, trying to organise anonymous sexual meetings with strangers on the internet) to try and FORCE herself to feel attraction to men.  and that there’s no shame in being gay.

15. (if attracted to more than one gender) do you have different “types” for different genders?  i’m gay af.

16. who is an ex you regret?  ugh i don’t know, like, i have been through some awful shit with some of my exes, but i don’t regret any of them, because they all taught me lessons about life that i took into my next relationship, and into other situations, and i have become a better person as a result - and i have very fond memories with all of them, even if things did go really sour at the end?  particularly my last relationship - it was by far the most painful and chaotic relationship i’ve ever been in, towards the end, and i have so many regrets about how things went and how i should have done this, and shouldn’t have done that, but i don’t for a moment regret being with that person, because i loved her so much (and still do) and i have had some of the best experiences of my life with her and wouldn’t trade it for the world.  so yeah, i don’t regret any of them.

17. night club gay or cafe gay?  both, depends.

18. who is one person you would “go straight” for?  ugh you know i feel like i always have an answer prepared for this, until someone actually asks me?  i used to say kit harington but now i’m not sure?  fuck damn i was literally talking about this with my boss last week, but i can’t remember who it was.

19. video game gay, book gay, or movie gay?  book or movie.

20. favourite gay ship (canon or not)?  ah i’m not really into the whole ship thing but i guess clarke and lexa because that’s the first one i can think of.  OH and i definitely ship daenerys targaryen and asha/yara greyjoy - i know it’s never going to happen but it’s nice to imagine.  emilia clarke is my number one celebrity crush - she doesn’t know it yet but she’s gonna marry me.

21. favourite gay youtuber?  literally could not give a single fuck about youtubers.

22. have you ever unknowingly asked out a straight person?  not to my knowledge, like, i have only ever asked out people who i have been talking to on dating apps tbh.

23. have you ever been in love?  yeah.

24. have you ever been heartbroken?  oh god yes.

25. how do you determine if you want to be them or be with someone?  honestly i don’t!  the only way i can know is if i date them for a little bit?  sometimes it’s both and that’s okay too.

26. favourite lgb musician/band?  ok so i had to google a list of them to make sure i didn’t miss them.  my very favourite is jónsi, cos he’s the lead singer of my favourite band sigur rós.  also i love david bowie, and i like sia and beth ditto.  also apparently jackie cruz, who plays flaca on oitnb, is also a singer - and bisexual!  so that’s exciting.  there’s a whole bunch of people on that list who i didn’t know were queer.

27. what is a piece of advice you have for young / baby gays?  take no shit from straight people - live your truth and stand up for yourself.  but also, keep yourself safe - this is more important than anything else.  lastly, don’t let terfs and racists in the community get into your head - we are a minority, we MUST stand up for other minorities as well.  some of us are also trans or people of colour, and we must protect and uplift them.  we have to be better.

28. are you out? if so how did you come out?  i am completely out now, but it was a process over a couple of years, because it was really fucking hard.  i am now openly gay, to the point that i’ll mention it in passing to strangers if it’s relevant, assuming i feel safe to do so.  but anyway this is a long story, so settle in.

i never voiced the thought that i might be gay until i was 20, during group at the therapeutic community.  i thought i was possibly bisexual for a long time, but in retrospect i think i was trying to compromise with myself, that being bisexual was somehow more acceptable to me than being gay.  but yeah, so after that i didn’t tell anyone again until i was nearly 21, when i was having dinner with my best friend sarah and another good friend from high school, heather.  i remember it vividly, because heather said about how she’d been in a relationship with a girl while she was on study exchange in scotland.  i got up abruptly from the table, went to the bathroom, nearly threw up, and then came back, and they both asked me if i was okay, and i said that i might be gay.  it was really scary because at the time sarah was studying to be an officer in the salvation army and i was scared that she would no longer want to be friends with me, but of course she is a perfect angel and it was no problem at all.  after that i went on a date with a girl while i was living by myself in napier, and then i freaked out and ghosted her, which i feel bad about.  i was also out to my friend mixx, who i met on tumblr that year.  and after that, i didn’t come out to anyone else until i was nearly 23.  i had moved down to wellington to start university, and i had to do summer school for six weeks to do a refresher music theory course, so i was sleeping on my sister’s couch for six weeks.  i hung out with her friends a lot, including her flatmate (her ex boyfriend who was now her best friend, who had come out as gay), and one night i was sitting out having a cigarette with his boyfriend, and i just told him i was gay, and that i was scared to come out, and asked him not to tell my sister.  and then a few days later i was in the car with my sister and i just kind of blurted it out, and she was like, “mate, i’ve known that for years,” and i was kind of offended because i thought i had been really good at hiding it and that she assumed i was gay because i hadn’t had a boyfriend like maybe i just didn’t want one?  haha but it was fine.  and then a week or so later we went up to hawkes bay to visit my parents, cos jen had to take her car up there so dad could sell it for her, and i told my parents while we were eating chinese food, again spur of the moment, and my dad was unfazed but my mum kind of freaked out a bit, i remember her dropping her fork and there was fried rice all over the floor.  and she rang her best friend crying, and the friend was like, “oh man, i thought you saw this coming, i sure did.”  like, she wasn’t upset that i was gay, just that she hadn’t known, and apparently everyone else she knew had.  and i think she did struggle with my being gay to begin with, it took her a long time to adjust, but she seems to be okay now.  and then i didn’t bother coming out to anyone else, i just let the grapevine do the trick/liked lgbt pages on facebook and posted photos of myself with girls.  but apparently my extended family didn’t figure it out and it all came out when we were all at my cousin’s 21st about six months later, but everyone was chill and unsurprised about it.  and since then i have been very open about it, because, like, i had been in recovery for years, but i had been really stagnant, and coming out was the catalyst i needed to truly become well.  i mean, i nearly died later that year cos i had a really bad psychotic episode and tried to kill myself.  and i had another bad episode two years later, but that was related to ptsd.  so neither of those was related to my sexuality, and i do honestly think that being out for me is a protective factor - i don’t have the added complication of trying to hard part of myself while also grappling with illness, so i have been able to recover faster?  i don’t know.  anyway that’s such a long wall of text i’m so sorry kudos to anyone who read it.

29. what is the most uncomfortable / strange coming out experience you have?  ugh honestly most of the experiences i have had have been positive or at least neutral.  i know one of my aunts doesn’t approve - she’s a hardcore salvation army person, threw a massive tantrum when my parents let me read harry potter as a kid - which is hypocritical as fuck because when my (male) cousin came out she sent him a text saying that she still loved him and was proud of him, but she has never said a word to me about my being gay.  although she still treats me the same as she always has so i guess it could be worse, i just have very little patience for her in general.

but probably the worst experience i have had was when i was 23, newly out to my family, had just moved into a hall of residence, and was scared about making friends because i had been pretty much out of society for five years - three years in hospital/residential and then two years of living first by myself and then with my parents, working at a supermarket and with only one friend.  so i was scared, i was still forming my identity as a lesbian.  anyway, a group of girls who lived on my floor decided to adopt me, and i hung out with them for a few days and it was really nice.  i went to an o-week party with them, and on the way back to the hall they decided it would be hilarious to go to a strip club (they were all 18 or 19 so y’know).  i went in but i wasn’t really feeling it - i’m not really a fan of strip clubs and i didn’t have any money to give the dancers but i didn’t want to be in there NOT giving them money.  one of the other girls looked visibly uncomfortable so i asked her if she wanted to go and wait outside until the others were ready to leave.  we were chatting, and she was like, “yeah, i just feel uncomfortable being in the presence of naked women,” and i was like, “fair enough, i don’t mind cos i’m gay, but i don’t really like strip clubs.”  after that she turned really frosty but i didn’t think anything of it until they all snobbed me at breakfast the next morning - turns out this girl goes to one of those evangelical megachurches who think that being gay can be “cured”, and she told the others that she didn’t want me hanging out with them anymore.  think she might have made some shit up about me to make them not like me either, lovely thing to do.  it didn’t matter because i made other friends in the hall, including probably the only two other lesbians living there, but it still hurt.  but the funny thing about it is this homophobic girl was my next door neighbour, and i knew it made her uncomfortable whenever she ran into me in the hallway - and i made a point to occasionally take girls home and have very loud sex with them, knowing she’d be able to hear hahahahahaha.

30. what is a piece of advice for people who may not be in a safe place to express their sexuality?  just do what you gotta do to survive - you’re no less queer if you can’t be out.  find someone you trust that you can talk to, so that you’re not alone.  it won’t always be like this - one day you’ll be able to live your truth.  just keep holding on.

#question thingy #lottieface