#like. everything here feels fake. when i look at it. it seems hyper-realistic in a way. and it disturbs me if i dwell on it too long.

[differentkettleoffishalltogether]

#1 Fan [Part 1/2]

Summary: Spencer knows he’s seen his new neighbor somewhere before.

A/N: This was a blurb request from my sideblog that got completely out of hand so here she is as a full fic! (We’re gonna pretend like I know how OnlyFans works)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Category: Fluff & Smut 

Warnings/Includes: smut, graphic descriptions of sexual acts, masturbation (male & female), voyeurism(?), please let me know if there’s anything I’ve missed!

Word count: 2.9k

Request: “Blurb about basically the same fic as the other one except she just moved in and he recognizes her as the person he subs to on OF. She’s describing her hot neighbor- and yeah” from @thatsonezesty13​

Masterlist

Read Part 2 Here

The first time Spencer sees her in the lobby grabbing her mail he thinks he’s in a dream. Or maybe he’s seeing things. For a second he’s terrified that he’s having a hyper-realistic, yet somehow mundane, wet dream.

He’s been subscribed to her for a while. To be honest once he’d found her account he didn’t have much of a need to subscribe to anyone else. She was almost tailor made for him, it was sort of scary.

So when he saw her that day, and she smiled at him, giving him a small wave as she passed him in the hall, his heart all but stopped.

That night he checked her page. He compared the pictures of the sweet girl in the hall with the ones in front of him. The photos where she was wearing next to nothing, or sometimes nothing at all. The ones where she had her fingers inside of her panties, or her mouth.

He ended up spiraling that evening, partially forgetting why he was even looking in the first place. Until he was watching videos of her, fucking into herself with a toy until she was squirting onto her bedsheets.

The following morning when he woke up he tried to convince himself that it wasn’t her. How could it be? And if it was, would he have to stop looking? Something felt a bit perverted about that.

So he pushed the thoughts from his head. And that lasted all of 10 seconds because there was a knock on his front door. When he opened it up it was her standing there, the girl from the mailboxes, and the girl from the videos. He knew they were one and the same, who was he kidding?

“Hi!” She sticks out her hand to introduce herself, “I think I saw you the other day, I’ve just moved into the building, Y/N.”

He knows her name already, well he knows her first name, and part of him’s a little surprised it’s not fake.

He takes a moment to consider her hand, he wouldn’t usually shake a strangers hand like this but for some reason he didn’t feel like she was a stranger. The real reason her didn’t want to shake her hand was because of all the things he’d pictured her doing with them. Touching herself, touching him.

But he’s hesitated for too long, so he takes her hand, shaking it gently, “Spencer, Dr. Spencer Reid. Nice to— uh, meet you” he has to force his breaths out or they might not come. Looking at her up close, in person, she was too beautiful. And he already thought that about her pictures.

“Well it’s nice to meet you, I always like to know the folks in my building. And especially you if we’re gonna be neighbors”

“Neighbors?” He tries to stop his eyes from popping out of his head but she doesn’t seem to notice. She just nods happily.

“Yup, I’m right on the other side of that wall” she points to her right and giggles, “knock if you need me” she jokes but Spencer’s breathing stops entirely and he can only nod.

“So um, if you wanted to hang out or anything you know where to find me” she smiles at him and starts to head back to her apartment.

He’s not sure what’s come over him, but it feels like adrenaline is coursing through his entire body as he speaks.

“I’m free right now if you’re not busy?” He asks before she can get too far away but she shakes her head.

“I’ve actually gotta head out for a bit but if you’re free tomorrow do you wanna come over and see my place. I’m sure it’s probably the exact same as yours but—”

“Yes!— I mean, um, yeah, that sounds nice, cool” she laughs at him a little, probably at his eagerness, or maybe at the way he’s blushing, he can feel the heat radiating from his cheeks.

“See you then Spencer, Dr. Spencer Reid” she giggles and he’s smitten already.

— —

He’s pretty much counting down the seconds until the following evening. His mind is completely restless, he’s got no idea what to wear or how to act, or what to say.

She was just so pretty, he could barely have a 2 minute conversation with her in the hallway. How was he supposed to hang out with her for an evening.

She slips a note under his door the following afternoon:

I’m on my way out but I should be back around 8! See you then x

He wishes he didn’t stare at the little ‘x’ on the note for quite so long but he couldn’t help it. Even her handwriting was cute.

He doesn’t want to think about why he knows her already but he can’t help it. He decides that he’s not going to look at her page again, taking a cold shower as part of his preparation for that evening before agonizing over what to wear.

He settles on a purple sweater and he already feels like he’s made the wrong call somehow as he’s knocking on her door at 8pm on the dot.

“Well aren’t you punctual” she smiles at him as she pulls open the door. His stomach drops when he realizes that he recognizes the little dress she’s wearing. He’s seen her take it off before. He tries to steady his breathing but it doesn’t work super well so he just waves hello as she ushers him inside.

“I guess you got my note then” she smiles and he smiles back.

“Yeah, your— um— handwriting is really nice” he wants to slap himself in the face. What kind of complement was that?

“Thank you?” she giggles at him, “no ones ever said that before, you’re a bit of an oddball” she points him to the sofa so he sits.

When she comes to sit next to him she’s holding a bottle of wine and two glasses and he has to stop his eyes from bulging out of his head.

“Would you like a glass?” She asks and he nods his head, it probably wasn’t a great idea, but neither was any of this. She hands him a glass of wine and takes the seat next to him on the couch, turning to face him as she tucks her legs up under herself.

“So Spencer Reid, what kind of doctor are you?” she asks as she takes a sip from her own glass.

“I’m—um— I work at the FBI actually, I— I’m a profiler” he’s already conscious that he doesn’t want to bore her by harping on about work, or by rambling like he does right before people usually roll their eyes. But she doesn’t, she leans in.

“That’s so cool, well it sounds like it is anyway? Does that mean you read people or something?” her eyes look like they're after lighting up and she's smiling at him encouraging.

“Y-Yeah? It’s sort of like reading people I guess. We catch killers by getting inside their heads in a way, trying to figure out why they’re doing what they’re doing, and hopefully what they’re gonna do next so that we can stop it. It’s a little more complicated than that, but that’s the gist” he’s smiling now too, the way she’s looking at him makes him feel like he’s actually doing a sort of good job not embarrassing himself.

“So you said my handwriting was nice” she says, gears clearly turning, “Can you read anything about me from that?” she looks like she's challenging him, if he didn’t know better he might call it flirting.

“Well actually graphology—sorry— handwriting analysis has been deemed a pseudoscience by most, the validity of handwriting as evidence in court has always been dubious and many of the techniques used today are the same as those employed in Renaissance England.” he rambles but she’s still engaged when he stops speaking.

“So you’re smart smart, huh?” she smiles at him, and he nods.

“I don’t believe intelligence can be neatly quantified but I do have an IQ of 187” he feels paradoxically stupid saying that, it feels like bragging or something and he already wants to take it back.

“Wow, a doctor with an IQ of 187” she takes a second to mull it over, “What are you doing hanging out with the likes of me?” she jokes, but his eyebrows knit together, he had no idea what she did, other than that thing he knew she did.

“I wouldn't sell yourself short like that, what do you do?” he asks her, at the very least it’ll stop him from spiraling.

“I work in a vintage bookstore, the one two blocks over?” She motions behind her as she tells him, and he knows it well, in fact he spends so much time there that he’s shocked he’d never seen her before.

“You work there? I’m there all the time, how have I never noticed you before?” she chuckles at him.

“I’ve only just started, I just moved in, remember?” and he wants to slap himself again, something about being around such a pretty face slashed that impressive IQ in half.

They spend another while and the rest of the bottle of wine getting to know each other before Spencer has to call it a night. Part of him wished that she was boring, or rude, or hated him, then maybe he’d be able to quell his infatuation. But this just made it worse, now that he knew her, now that he had spoken to her and she was so sweet, so smart, so funny, and still so damn pretty. He was absolutely fucked.

— —

He swears to himself that the wont look at her page again. Now that he knew her and he liked her more than he even did before, it felt like a real invasion. Part of him still felt bad about it in general, like he should've told her right away, been up front. But the moment for that had already passed so this was his next best plan.

Until he returns home the following Friday. He’s exhausted when he crawls into bed but he’s still somehow restless, the gears still turning in is brain. So he does what he always does when he wants to forget about everything else in the world.

His muscle memory opens it up, and he’s on her page before he even realizes he's done it. And she’s posted a few new videos this week. He wishes he had better willpower, or any willpower at all, but he can’t seem to stop himself from clicking on one.

It begins with her kneeling on her bed, wearing lingerie he’d seen before, it was baby pink and it was one of his favorites. She starts by dipping her fingers into her panties, teasing herself as little moans toppled from her lips. Then she started talking.

“I’m gonna tell you guys about a little dream I had last night, well, I’ve been having it all week really” she continues to tease herself a little, her other hand coming up to grab her breast over her soft pink bra as she speaks. Her voice is smooth and perfect, if he only had the audio he’d still be turned on right now.

“It goes like this. I’m lying in this bed right here, doing something a little like this, when there’s a knock at my front door. When I get up to answer it he’s there, with his shaggy brown hair, and his huge doe eyes, and he’s got these lips that are just so fuckin’ pink. I want them all over me. He comes inside and he grabs me with those huge hands of his and he pulls me right into him before he kisses me.” she moans a little as her fingers brush right up against her clit, but Spencer’s vision has almost gone blurry.

He’s not sure he’s even breathing when she starts talking again. “Then I lead him to my bedroom, and I get him out of those clothes. He dresses like an english teacher and I wish I didn’t find it so fuckin’ hot. Sometimes in the fantasy I take his cock in my mouth, I suck him off until he’s whimpering. Other times I can’t wait, I just need him to fuck me right away.” she takes off her panties then, leaving them to one side, while she grabs a toy from her bedside table.

“I like to fuck myself with this, but all week I’ve just been imagining that it’s him. He’s just so pretty, I know his cock has to be too. I want to know what it feels like when he’s buried inside me, so fuckin’ deep” she continues to fuck herself with the toy, and he’s tuned back in now, he’s achingly hard without even noticing, his hand wrapping around his cock as he pictures the other side of that fantasy.

It doesn’t take long before he's releasing, spilling all over his hand in tandem with the video. She takes a moment to relax, steadying out her breathing before she speaks to the camera again.

“I think I have a crush guys” she gasps out, “I moved, and I think I’ve got a crush on my fuckin’ neighbor already”

Not that he needed any more confirmation, but those words hit him like a fucking train.

It’s already midnight, it’s not so late that he couldn’t go over there, but it sort of is late enough that he shouldn’t. He really can’t bring himself to care though, getting out of bed and cleaning himself up he decides to ride this uncharacteristically confident wave as far as it’ll take him.

He’s knocking on her door before he’s had a chance to second guess himself. When she answers she’s in a little robe, it’s ivory and satin, and he recognizes it too. He doesn’t say anything, neither does she. They just look at each other for a little too long, eyes taking each other in. He wants to lean in and kiss her, just like in her fantasy, but he’s not that guy.

“Hi” he breathes out instead, “I know it’s late, sorry, I shouldn’t be here—but I— I just wanna say” he pauses to take in a labored breath, “I like you a lot and I think you’re really pretty and funny and smart and would you wanna go out sometime? With me? Maybe?” he doesn't realize he’s closed this eyes until he’s got to pry them back open.

“Well that’s not how the fantasy was supposed to go” she giggles, her eyelashes fluttering as she looks up at him and the blush that’s steadily spreading up his face and neck.

“What do you— I don’t— what?” he’s stammering, doing a god awful job of playing dumb.

“In my video, you were just supposed to kiss me. This isn’t as sexy but it is a hell of a lot better”

“I don’t— I’m not—” he can’t get a sentence out, he’s got no idea what’s happening right now.

“It’s alright Dr. 187, I know it’s you” some part of him genuinely wants to throw up. Why did he think that would be an innocuous username. He was the stupidest genius alive.

“I’m sorry, I should've told you. I had no idea how, I just never thought— how could I have known you’d move in next door to me? And that you’d be even prettier in person but you’d be so cool too” he’s got to cut himself off before he really starts apologetically rambling.

“Spencer stop. It’s fine. I make that content for people to enjoy, you’ve got nothing to feel guilty about. I made that video because I wanted you to see it, that was intentional.” she reaches out and places a hand on his shoulder, and it’s more comforting than it has any right to be.

“Was that—your fantasy—the uh the video—were you telling the truth?” he can feel his heart absolutely racing in his chest as he waits for the answer. And she breaks out in a huge smile, nodding up at him.

“Every word.” he doesn’t let himself overthink it this time, he just leans right in, pressing his lips to hers. It’s soft and gentle, a sweet kiss rather than a heated one, it’s not just infatuation, there are feelings behind it now. He can feel her lips smiling against his own and his heart’s fit to burst now.

When they break apart she looks giddy with excitement, her hands come down to the little bow that holds her robe closed, toying with the ends of the tie. “I’m actually about to make a video now if you’d like to see behind the scenes?” she asks and his breath gets stuck in his throat.

“Fuck” he rasps, “You’ve got no idea how much I want to do that” he pauses, scolding himself in his head already, “But I think I wanna take you to dinner first, if you still want that?”

She’s grinning at him again, “I still really want that, tomorrow night?”

“Tomorrow night.”

-- --

Comments, reblogs, and tags are always appreciated, I love you all x

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[burningember0802]

Someone Like Me

summary : first, once again, i suck at summaries. Kaz meets a friend of Nina’s that he didn’t know about who is more like him than anyone else he’s ever met and that scares him more than he’d like.

It's a relaxing evening at the slat, or at least as much as it can be in Ketterdam. All the crows were sitting around a table talking and having a great night, even Kaz. He won't show it but he enjoys nights like this more than he'd like to admit. Nina and Jesper were laughing and talking about who knows what while Matthais sat with a loving smile on his face, Wylan and Inej sat talking about his newest tests, and Kaz sat just listening and watching, enjoying the time with his friends; his family. "Oh, Kaz! My friend is supposed to stop by tonight and drop off some things I asked her for so don't be surprised if we get a knock soon." Nina mentions. "You have friends?" He sarcastically said. "For a matter of fact, I do. She's amazing, I think you should meet her. She'd be a great addition to the crows. She's a fabrickator, both a Durast and an Alkemi. She is also the smartest person I've ever met, and the best fighter too. I've watched her and Matthais spar and she took him down in seconds easily. She's insanely good, Kaz. She'd be a great asset to the team. I think you'd like her too, she has similar interests among other stuff." She explains. Kaz thought for a moment before responding. "We'll see if I agree with you once I meet her." Nina thanks him with a smile and goes back to her conversation.

Kaz wasn't sure how he felt about the thought of bringing someone else onto the team. It was another person who could betray him, another person he could get attached to, another weakness. Not just anyone can join the crows, they had to earn it.

About half an hour later there was a knock at the slat door. Nina excitedly hopped up to get it. "It's her!" The heartrender almost squealed. The door opened to a girl, probably about 5'6 who has (H/L), (H/C) hair. She was gorgeous with a button nose that supported her thin-rimmed glasses, full lips, striking (E/C) eyes, and a curvy figure. She was wearing a tight green turtle neck, black pants, boots, and carrying a satchel on her shoulder. Kaz swears he almost felt himself stop breathing. The feeling he got when he saw her, despite not knowing her, scared him in a way he didn't like. He decided to push it down and continue on with the night.

Nina invited the girl inside with a smile that was returned by her. The girls walked back to the table where the rest of the group sat. "Y/N, the crows, the crows, Y/N." She introduced them all. Multiple greetings were heard around the table from everyone except Kaz of course. Y/N shyly waved with a soft smile. "I brought those things you asked about," Y/N said quickly changing the subject. She opened her bag and pulled out 3 boxes and set them on the table. She opened the first one which held a seemingly normal knife. "Here's the knife you asked about with the poison injection abilities. There are three vials in the box and there's one in the handle already. It injects a few drops upon impact, it’s potent so it will kill someone with just a few drops." Y/N said showing how to open the handle and where the vial was. She proceeded to open the next box that was full of bullets. "These are the bullets that explode upon impact you asked about." She said before setting them back down. You could see Inej eyeing up the knife and Jesper doing the same to the bullets. She finally opened the last box which revealed 7 sets of earpieces. "These are the earpieces, they have microphones in them to communicate from long distances." She almost mumbled, obviously nervous around all the people. Kaz had been watching the girl in shock the whole time she spoke. Nina didn't lie, she was insanely talented and would be a good asset.

"You're the best Y/N!" Nina exclaimed, making a quick movement to go to hug the girl. She quickly stopped when Y/N flinched slightly. No one else besides Y/N, Nina, and Kaz had realized it with everyone else too busy looking at the new gear. "Shit, fuck I'm sorry Y/N it was a mistake." Nina started apologizing profusely. "Nina, it's fine. Mistakes happen. I'm just a freak anyway." She said quietly. Kaz felt his heart clench at that. She was like him, she was anything but a freak though. "Anyway, I should probably get going." She said, staring at her feet. "You should stay for a while, meet everyone." Nina tried to convince her. Y/N was obviously apprehensive. "You should stay," Kaz said before he could stop himself. Both Nina and Y/N turned towards him quickly. Nina had a shocked look on her face, surprised that Dirtyhands would ever suggest that he wanted someone to stay. She thought for a second and smiled slightly and nodded.

The girl sat down at the last empty chair at the table, which happened to be next to Kaz. She immediately pulled into herself out of habit, bringing on her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around it, making herself as small as possible. Jesper and Inej immediately started asking questions about their new tools to which Y/N answered gladly. Kaz watched them contently, especially Y/N. She looked really happy talking about what she loved. Soon the conversations turned away from solely her after the crows had their fill of integrating. "Kaz, Y/N is the most knowledgeable person I've met about books, you guys have that in common," Nina mentions. Y/N glances at him with a soft smile. Everything about her made Kaz's fight or flight kick in. She was weirdly comforting but at the same time kicked on every instinct he had. He felt the need to run but also never move again. "What's your favorite genre of books?" Y/N asked the boy. Kaz missed having someone to talk to about interests like this, the rest of the crows weren't into things like this. Trying to make him comfortable she answers first. "I tend to read realistic fiction or fantasy." Kaz studied her face constantly looking for any signs that she wasn't genuine. "I like fantasy or mystery books." He answers. She gets a huge smile. He liked that, she had a genuine smile, that's rare in the barrel. Her smile was slightly lopsided and full of joy. "Mysteries are the best, I'm always on the edge of my seat. Sometimes I feel like I can't put the book down even when I have stuff to get done." She laughs. Kaz almost felt himself smirk. "Those are the best ones." He answers genuinely. "I just finished this amazing book, it's about the story of Achilles but from the point of view of Patroclus. It's called the song of Achilles and it's amazing." She says with a smile. "I'll have to borrow it sometime." He says. At that moment the two of them weren't even paying attention to the crows around them anymore, so they didn't see the knowing look from Nina.

The group all continued to talk and have a good time. Everyone liked Y/N a lot. Nina was accurate in her description of her. She was super smart and sweet. At one point they were talking about combat strategies and she was asked "What's the quickest way to win a fight?" by Jesper. Matthias let out a loud snort at that question, knowing the brunette's skills. "Are we talking immobilizing or killing? Those are two different answers." She says with a smirk. The girl had come out of her shell within the past hour and had grown more comfortable around the group. "Both?" Jesper said, confused. "For immobilization, the quickest way is to slice their Achilles tendon on the back of their ankle, if you do that they're not moving. Also, you always go for the eyes, nose, and groin, and if you use the bottom of the palm of your hand you can shatter someone's nose since that's the strongest part of your hand. Besides the Achilles tendon, the other easiest way if you know how to do it is there's a nerve on the side of your neck that if you squeeze right, knocks them out. Then if the purpose is killing you go for the neck, wrist, or thigh because that's where your main arteries are." She said matter of factly. Kaz almost laughed at how the girl said it.

That was the start of it all. Shortly after this first meeting Y/N started coming around more and more and everyone loved her, including Kaz. Kaz had started having more than friendly feelings towards her a couple months after meeting. The crows were eventually able to convince her to join so she was now living at the slat, making Kaz’s life a living hell. He felt like his heart was beating out of his chest constantly, and he knew that Nina knew this too with her heartrender skills. Nina was constantly giving him knowing looks and all he did was glare back at her. Kaz was drawn to her like no one else.

The two of them had become close over the last year, closer than most. They would often sit and talk for hours, a lot of times about books or anything else that came to their minds. Y/N was often like lightning in a bottle, constantly moving and going a million miles an hour. She seemed hyper and impulsive on the outside but Kaz knew she was very strategic and methodical. She was insanely smart, which she often used to her advantage to beat Kaz in chess to his dismay. Both parties had developed feelings for each other but both were too scared to tell the other because they’re idiots but the universe was going to find a way to get them together.

The heist the crows had tonight was insanely important. The group was supposed to go to a merchant party because while the merchant and everyone else was distracted they were going to steal a necklace that was held in the wife’s vanity room. The necklace was worth an insane amount of money so the crows took the task right away.

The only problem with the heist was that Y/N and Kaz had to be the two who had to fake being a couple at the party to keep the merchant distracted so the others could get the necklace. “We have to do what?” Y/N exclaimed when she found out her role. She felt her chest clench at the thought of being around that many people. “I need Inej on the roofs, Jesper on the ground as backup, Wylan as a waiter ready to cause a distraction if need be, and Nina and Mattaius getting the necklace so we’re the only two left.” Kaz grumbles, obviously not happy about the situation either. Both of them sucked it up for the money.

The night of the heist Y/N was the last to be ready since she had to wear a dress and makeup. She stepped down the stairs to where the crows were waiting. As soon as she stepped into the room there were joking whistles and screams from all the crows except Kaz. Kaz stood there in shock, his breath taken away. Emma was wearing a black dress with stars on it, a simple pair of black heels, several pieces of silver moon and star jewelry and finally topping it off with a few moon and star hair pins pinning back some of her hair. She looked gorgeous.

As they got closer and closer to the party both Y/N and Kaz became increasingly more nervous. “We don’t have to touch.” She says breaking the silence between them as they were dragging behind the group. “We have to and we both know it. If we don’t touch like a couple they’ll become suspicious. I know neither of us like touch but we’ll have to deal with it.” Kaz quickly responds, his voice rigid. She just nodded, not wanting to make this night worse.

Everyone got in their positions as soon as they made it to the house, leaving Kaz and Y/N near the entrance. Kaz hesitantly grabs her hand; he was shocked when he did. He didn’t panic as much as he thought. Kaz’s aversion was worse than Y/N’s for sure since hers was mainly quick movements and things related to abuse but Kaz’s was any kind of touch. All he felt was Jordie when he touched anyone, the stench of the air, the cold water around him, the stiff body he was clenching on to. He didn’t immediately drown touching her though, he felt the waters come up but they stopped, going no further.

As the two of them continued through the night the touches became easier and more frequent, it almost felt...real. Both of them deep inside wished it was. They wished the other loved them back. The two of them got many compliments throughout the night on how cute they were and questions about how they met among other things. The way Kaz would wrap his arm around her waist made her heart stop, the way Y/N put her hand on his shoulder and smiled at him did the same to Kaz.

Once Nina and Mattaius got the necklace everyone made their way back to the slat. Everyone was happy and ready to celebrate a successful heist except for Kaz and Y/N. They had a tension that wouldn’t go away. Both knew they’d have to talk about it or it’d ruin further heists but neither wanted to make the first move. So once they got to the slat both of them lingered at the door after everyone else. “Can-” “We should-” they both went to say at the same time. They couldn’t help but laugh at how in tune they were. “We need to talk about things.” Y/N says. “I know.” Kaz says, anxiety in his voice. “I like you Kaz.” the girl states plainly, shocking the bastard of the barrel. He couldn’t say the words he wanted to but he had to say something. “Yes.” was all he could manage out. It would sound stupid to anyone else but to Y/N and Kaz they both knew what that meant. “I can never touch you like you might want though.” He says anxiously. “Kaz, I have just as much of an issue with touch as you. Physical affection isn’t something I need in a relationship. If we really want to, we can work on our aversions together.” She answers with a comforting smile. Kaz nods,knowing she's right. “So together?” Kaz questions, trying to confirm that she is his and he is hers. She nods with a smile.

That was the start of it all. The start of the King and Queen of Ketterdam, taking it over together.

[thinkingbookthoughts]

Strange the Dreamer, post read thoughts.

I just finished it last night, and hoo boy was it a read. This is the first book I’ve read by Laini Taylor, and it’s got me wanting to read more. I’m starting Muse of Nightmares tonight or tomorrow, and maybe after that the Daughters of Smoke and Bone trilogy. Anyway, [spoilers probably]:

First off, I don’t care for fantasy. I tend to have little patience for made up words (yes, I know all words are made up, you know what I mean) and hyper detailed world building. I enjoy the fantastical, but fantasy as a genre generally bores me to tears. I don’t want to read about fake cultures when I could be learning about real ones. That’s personal taste, whatever. Taylor however, writes it almost exactly the way I want to read it. She dips occasionally into exposition dumps, but I find it nowhere near as tiresome as the typical Tolkienesque approach. Even then, I’m interested. She’s created such a wonderful world that I want to know whatever she’s going to give me, and uncovering some new detail feels like a treat, not a slog. My eyes still glaze over at all the made up words and politics, but everything else makes up for it.

What keeps this book interesting to me is definitely not the plot though. I have no major issues with it, it’s fine, whatever. But it falls into the category of legendary fantasy tale that generally I have no interest in. Hero’s journey and all that. I find it boring. Again, personal taste, whatever. I tend to enjoy character driven more than plot driven anyway, and this book is absolutely character driven. The story itself is so simple I might even go so far as to call it formulaic, but the people who carry it are something else. When their hearts break, so does yours. I won’t lie, she does go for some easy gut punches, but they do still feel earned and in their place. She’s not afraid to let you dislike her heroes. Except maybe Lazlo, I’ll talk more about him later (though I feel like the sequel may challenge him more). Most of the people that we grow to like are complicated. They’ve done terrible things, or harbor toxic beliefs, but they’re also justified to a certain extent. And to what extent that is, is left up to you.

She does kind of beat you over the head with her themes, but I mean, this is technically YA. It’s not terribly clumsy, you just find yourself wanting to go, “OK I get it! Move on!” every once in a while. But that’s a hard line to toe as a writer, and as far as shortcomings go, it’s really not that big of a deal. I’m willing to forgive it, anyway. Sometimes you can feel when the “correct” answer is coming through, usually because Lazlo is taking a hard line moral stance, but it never felt so overwhelming to me that it seemed like right and wrong were being truly dictated. It’s not perfect, and writers are allowed to have opinions, so eh.

In general, I’m a big fan of her writing style. I get the feeling the novelty would wear thin if I read all of her books back to back, so I won’t lmao, but from the one I’ve read I love it. She has issues with repetition to the point where it crosses from emphasis to unnecessary and redundant pretty often, but god I am a simp for flowery prose, so I will forgive it. If I had to describe the way she writes to someone who is deciding whether or not to read it, I’d say that she writes like those verbose, rich paragraphs you find on tumblr. You know, where someone has had a few nice sentences flow into their head, but they aren’t going to expand on it so they post it as is, without the context that might make it anything more than pretty words. (No shade, but... look they’re not exactly high art, ok?) Except that she’s actually written the book. And I find it a very pleasurable experience. Like I said, I am a simp for all things purple. If you’re not, you’ll probably hate it.

It can, at times, absolutely feel indulgent, but in a way the whole book is. I mean the fantastical elements of this story really go hard. She’s not really attempting realism here. Grounded (enough), sure, but definitely not realistic. And it’s fine by me. I’m willing to give a story a lot of passes if I feel like the writer has earned them in other ways. I don’t care if every little detail is what would really happen. Not at all, actually. If I wanted realism I’d go outside. I’m reading a book, not a newspaper.

One example is what I saw described as the “insta-love” between Lazlo and Sarai. Personally, I had no issues with it. It felt earned and in place in the context of the story. It makes sense for the two characters, both of whom are young and have felt painfully isolated for their entire lives. And then in walks someone with a mutual attraction, who can interact with them and appreciate them in a way no one else ever has. Yeah of course they fall in love. Even if the relationship wouldn’t have worked out long term, it makes total sense that one would have started. And as for how quickly it happened, eh. They literally met in a dream, what do you want?

There are plenty of other crimes that I’m sure I would defend, but here’s one I won’t. Thyon Nero. He is so criminally underutilized in this story, I question his place in it at all. Which is a goddamn shame because I love me a petty bitch like Thyon. It feels like he’s all wasted potential. In a sea of interesting, well drawn characters, he’s flat as Saskatchewan. Unforgivable. If it had been another character, fine. But Thyon? Come on! We spend enough time with him that he should feel more interesting, but he just doesn’t. There’s an attempt to give him a tragic backstory and whatever, but it’s so cliche (rich pretty boy with an abusive family behind the scenes controlling him and making him feel like a pawn in their game. Snarky on the outside, hurting on the inside, blah blah you’ve heard it a million times.) that I need more! You can’t just give me a scene of him getting whipped by his shitty dad, toss off a sentence about him wanting to free from his family’s exploitation, and then dust your hands and call it a day. UGH. He honestly serves as little more than an occasionally funny, almost interesting character foil for Lazlo. He exists to show you what a good boy Lazlo is. And that’s it. They aren’t even proper enemies. How much they dislike each other in any given scene is directly inverse to how much the plot needs them to get along in that moment. Before they’ve even reached the city Thyon is little more than a mild inconvenience. So why set him up as this scary antagonist??? I’m really hoping the second expands on him. I need more. You cannot dangle a funny bitch like him in front of my face and then do nothing with him! RUDE.

Ok, now Lazlo, I said I’d talk about him. Here we are. Lazlo Lazlo Lazlo. First of all, hate his name. That’s a nothing issue, I just had to say it. Second, he’s kinda lame, huh? I wouldn’t say that he’s underdeveloped, I feel like I have a much better idea of who he is than I do Thyon, it’s just that his development isn’t that interesting. He very much feels like a protagonistTM. He’s passionate and funny, driven and like... always in the right on moral issues. He’s the immediately accepted outsider who’s also able to bring a new, but more importantly, morally correct perspective on their issues. He’s charming, but humble, shy but not enough to actually impede social interaction. I don’t hate him, I’d probably hang out with him if I was on that journey (assuming I wasn’t following Thyon around like the simp I am). He’s just that kind of perfectly imperfect character. His flaws only make him more likeable, he’s never outright wrong about anything. I’ll say it, Lazlo is a Mary Sue.

Lazlo is a Mary Sue and Thyon was wasted on his basic ass. And that’s that on that.

I will let that (correct) declaration wrap this up. It’s way too long already. Thank god not a single person on earth reads these. Small miracles.

#booksbooksbooks #books #bookblr #booklr #strange the dreamer #good book #liked it a lot more than I thought I would #book thoughts

[ferie-anon]

Hello. I saw doing it for someone else so I thought maybe you could do it for me too. Can you analyze my chart and tell me who would I get on well with from ateez I am Sun-Gemini,moon- Capricorn,mercury-cancer,Venus-Gemini,mars-taurus,Jupiter-virgo,pluto-Scorpio,Uranus/Neptune-Capricorn,Saturn-Aquarius

I’ll just do sun, moon, mercury, venus, and mars ^_^ Gemini sun and capricorn moon, you are quick-witted yet dilligent, there’s a strong disposition within your mentality, and you can make for a very executive systematic person. Your sun gemini can have many ideas and impulse, while your capricorn moon is able to put forth your thoughts and processes into action. Your mercury is in cancer, and these natives may have a emotional expressive tone to them, that others may feel inclined to easily communicate with them. Combined with your sun gem and moon cap, you may convey yourself as intuitive and sensitive, your cap moon may make you cut down to the chase/blunt so your cancer mercury may convey this thought, sometimes capriciously. Your venus is in gemini, you look/are attracted to those who bring adventure or new interesting things to your life. Gemini venus ppl value talking and getting to know their partner/close friends deeply, they also want an intriguing partner in these aspects, someone that can grasp their attention all the time through communicative smooth ways. Lastly, your mars is in taurus. Taurus mars are people who are very stable in their approaches for their goals, never seaying they have a resolute feel to them about their aspirations, patient and enduring. Temperament-wise, taurus mars rarely get mad as they manage to stay calm by suppressing or enduring emotions, and can push for their thoughts better than some, ex: when they have something to say they will initiate it, though it won’t be in a flashy/dramatic way. And taurus is a fixed sign, having it in the mars can create a stubborn attitude towards the world and actions/execution, in a good and bad way.

In Ateez.... your match is san!

San is compatible not only cuz “he’s literally the member that stands out or catches people’s interest” with a lot of reasons atinies are aware of lol. His dancing and expressiveness of music and passion visible, San’s personality and overall feel of music and emotions are conveyed as a bright ray of sunshine peaking through with full force but sometimes will form clouds to shield you from the blinding rays. San is naturally caring, loves to give affection to his close ones, and overall has an understanding nature within him. He is a cancer sun, and I think he would match well with your personality, or maybe the word is balance or fill out what you need/lack. You as a gemini sun and cap moon, internally yearn for someone to love them when in the romantic aspect, to understand them or someone that shares their warmth with you. With his cancer sun, he is easily able to interpret emotions by feel, so even if you try to mask your sadness or emotions, San will just know. At first meeting, San thinks you’re intelligent and mature, admiration was soon followed by curiousity and something more. You were just someone who wants to be figured out or found out, and curiousity embellished in both of you guys, an inner connection is formed.

San’s moon is in taurus, similarly both of you guys have a calm demeanor. San with his placement, may feel easier to assert his thoughts and actions at his own pace/conditions, yet taurus moon sometimes dislike stepping out of his comfort zone. Whereas, you feel it is easier to assert your actions and goals when you decide to do so/set your mind to it. You both have a realistic attitude, yet the difference remains in how each of you projects it. San with his taurus moon, may project his realistic nature in a more down to earth way or digestable way, something like “life will always have obstacles or you can’t always avoid everything,” is how San may convey his mindset to others and himself and then put his motivation forward to work through it. I think with capricorn moon(you) are a bit more blunt about it, like you may know the responsibilities and prioritize the important stuff to you, yet I think you may be harsher about it towards yourself. It’s sorta like capricorn moons just had to deal with it or knew they had to deal with responsibilities, so I feel like you may have that suppressed thought of naturally forced to take on responsibility without mentally prepared, professional attitude born out of a survival instinct. San can be a pillar of support, someone to tell you that you don’t have to push yourself too hard, or maybe there for you after a long day or a stressful moment. A moment where you could feel vulnerable, without having to shelter your emotions. You two would have a healthy mental chemistry together.

His mercury is in... leo~ People with this placement have a sunny disposition or very energetic way of communicating, sorta like ppl with infectious smiles that causes others to smile along, similarly San could cheer up anyone or make them laugh with his humor and words. Or just by being himself, San :P. Your mercury is in cancer, and I think you two would be endearing and passionate when communicating, well it’s more of San being super hyper every time with you, but his hyperness and energy puts your cancer mercury to comfort or relaxed when talking with him. I think particularly you need someone that is similar but a bit opposite of your form of communication. Ex: bright enthusiasm/willing to listen and actively engage with your thoughts/conversations is wut appeals to you. Leo mercuries are sorta the opposite of mellowness, yet they may seem more open or less distant so it allows others to feel less awkward. Your warm communication with San’s vivid/artistic communication get along well, you both appreciate each other and listen intently. San would be your cheerleader, while you could be his caretaker 🐥.

San’s venus is in leo! Leo venuses love with their HEART. Most leo venuses love gifting their partner, or just really showers with love for them. They usually compliment them a lot or always with them seeking attention, loyally cuddly. Your gemini venus feels intrigued by San’s lovable ways and creative romantic ways. Leo venuses always has something to surprise their s/o with, and it’s usually very touching and romantic. Your gemini venus feels always in a rosy atmosphere with San’s leo venus ^^. You both have similar needs in a relationship, genuine feelings and communications/connecting. Leo venuses dislike fake admiration and love, and gemini venus people don’t want people that shut off communciation from them. San can provide you with the attention and conversations any day, each time with sparkling eyes and heart eyes during an engaging convo. San also appreciates you being real, willing to talk about things deeply and your affection shown through your words, you both feel a mutual chemistry and genuine adoration towards each other within this aspect. I feel like you both would be the couple video games/games, while San’s half playing the console and half hugging you and you’re beating him in the game at the same time lol.

Next up, his mars is in scorpio. San is determined, goal driven with passion for the things he loves to do/interests. It also shows in his attitude towards initiating his motives, scorpio mars allows him to be more assertive and have a keen sense of what he desires and executes it. Scorpio mars people are actually quite selfless/would do a lot for their partner once in love, like once you have their trust they put their faith in you. Your taurus mars similarly values loyalty and trust, someone to stay and have faith in you as well as be faithful. You both would bond easily, desiring and fulfilling each other’s values, and retain similar mindsets as both scorpio and taurus are fixed signs aka adept at being stable and pursuing the goals/ideas/opinions of themselves. In this aspect, trust really is important and inhabited here.

Overall, I think you two have an uncanny connection, whether emotionally or in a physical action, there seems to be a mutual comprehension of each other present here. Unsaid thoughts and emotions left interpreted by the other, you two sorta feel like lost birds that found their nest. Probs the couple everyone admires at their chemistry and love. Ppl would envy the natural and just pleasant pure affectionate look you two give off when interacting~

#ask #ateez #astrology kpop ships #san

[neopuff]

OKAY I’ve finished Love Death & Robots, so here’s my short review/summary of each one where I also rate them on accuracy to the show’s title:

"Sonnie's Edge" - excessively violent. setting is neat. animation was cool but watching a lesbian get stabbed and then get her head stomped on repeatedly isn’t fun.

Love Rating 2/10 (there were tits and make outs) 

Death Rating 10/10 (plenty of on-screen and an off-screen death) 

Robot Rating 8/10 (there was robotic tech but this felt more like futuristic monsters than robots...)

Overall I give it a 4/10

"Three Robots" - really fun! it was funny and charming and cute. animation is nice. Josh Brener and Chris Parnell do some voices...yeah. it was fun!

Love Rating 0/10 (no sex? no romance? alright) 

Death Rating 7/10 (no death but lots of skeletons) 

Robot Rating 15/10 (robots!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Overall I give it a 9/10, would watch again

"The Witness" - this one is really cool. like, i dont know...its cool, i enjoyed it a lot. the animation is amazing i LOVE the style and the character designs were nice.

Love Rating 8/10 (lots of sex and idk. erotic dancing. lots of tits and bush) 

Death Rating 8/10 (yeah. well. yea? not gory but it was there and it happened) 

Robot Rating 0/10 (i recall no robots)

Overall I give it an 8/10 only because there were no robots

"Suits" - a LOT better than i expected! animation was cool, story was interesting, characters were lovable. i highly recommend this ep though it is sad its very good.

Love Rating 10/10 (many emotions. no tits and no sex but much love) 

Death Rating 10/10 (a good emotional onscreen death. quality storytelling style) 

Robot Rating 10/10 (lots of robots!)

Overall I give it a 10/10 but its still not my #1 favorite it just gives you everything the show title says it will

"Sucker of Souls" - ehhh. like the animation was really cool and the cat stuff was funny but overall its just pretty boring? character designs uninteresting story is blaaahhh. best part is Gary but she doesnt make up for how boring the rest is. 

Love Rating 0/10 (some cats fuck at one point but thats it) 

Death Rating 12/10 (everybody dies)

Robot Rating 0/10 (were there robots???? there were draculas. so many draculas)

Overall I give it a 2/10 but really its just boring

"When the Yogurt Took Over" - this one is fun. i mean, its only 6 minutes long and it was funny and entertaining and the art style is neat so yeah id recommend it to anyone.

Love Rating 0/10 (i recall no love) 

Death Rating ?/10 (genuinely cant remember if anyone dies but the economy collapses so thats significant) 

Robot Rating ?/10 (i think the yogurt was mutated rather than filled with nanobots soooo...no robots? idk)

Overall I give it a 7/10 cuz it was fun

"Beyond the Aquila Rift" - too confusing to be good and yet also somehow pretty good? animation was nice and pretty. greta is hot. but i dont know, something about it felt like....lazy. the story was lazy.

Love Rating 8/10 (we get tits and sex right on screen) 

Death Rating 0/10 (i dont think anyone dies?) 

Robot Rating ??/10 (really hard to say. very matrix-y story so whats a robot? whats not? who knows bitch)

Overall I give it a 5/10

"Good Hunting" - :( this one is really sad and violent. theres a lot of tits including i believe on a very young character??? but it wasnt in a sexual context but still kind of uncomfortable. anyway the story is interesting and good but mostly just REALLY sad. theres a scene where you watch a guy saw off a girl’s legs while she screams and even tho it only lasts a brief moment it really gets to you.

Love Rating 10/10 (i know liang and yan dont actually get together but their relationship was really good) 

Death Rating 10/10 (plenty of death, thats for sure) 

Robot Rating 9/10 (yea! robots! but in a sad way)

Overall I give it an 8/10 because the story is interesting but the girl character just goes through every possible kind of torment and even if things end up alright it still hurts to watch

"The Dump" - i just didn’t really like this one. it was sad and kinda gross and didnt really give me anything to work with. the animation was cool at least.

Love Rating 1/10 (man and pet love? idk) 

Death Rating 9/10 (two deaths at least, and one implied animal death? or we see a dead dog? or something? i dont remember) 

Robot Rating ???/10 (i mean...is otto a robot? i dont think so??? i dont know)

Overall I give it a 3/10 cuz i didnt like it at all

“Shape-Shifters” - yeah this one should not have been boring but it was. the characters were fine but i feel like US Army stuff just makes my brain turn off (then again, i do love gi joe, so who knows). anyway the werewolf soldier concept i guess could be interesting but, again, it just wasn’t. it sure was sad though.

Love Rating 8/10 (those werewolf soldier boys were kind of, like, pals) 

Death Rating 10/10 (lots of death, for suresies) 

Robot Rating 0/10 (werewolves are not robots)

Overall I give it a 6/10

"Helping Hand" - so, like, this one is super boring unless you like watching someone floating in space and then ripping their own arm off with realistic crunches and screams. the girl was cute at least.

Love Rating 0/10 (she sure didnt love her arm) 

Death Rating 0/10 (she didnt die, so) 

Robot Rating 0/10 (no robots!!!!)

Overall I give it a 4/10 cuz the animation is cool and the girls design is good but it had none of what the show title promises

“Fish Night" - this one was cool but weird. Yuri Lowenthal plays a guy who gets eaten by an astral space shark. so i guess theres some anti-shark propaganda but it sure LOOKED cool.

Love Rating 0/10 (i guess old guy and young guy were close but not close enough for me to care) 

Death Rating 10/10 (yea) 

Robot Rating 0/10 (i mean...there was really cool astral space ocean thing whatever but it wasnt robots)

Overall I give it an 8/10 because i liked it a lot

"Lucky 13" - i wanted to like this one cuz of Samira Wiley but it just wasnt very interesting. it had potential but tbh it just wasnt memorable? i remember how it started and how it ended but nothing in the middle which isnt a good sign.

Love Rating 2/10 (cuz she loves that ship? i guess) 

Death Rating 9/10 (yeah. i mean, yeah) 

Robot Rating 0/10 (i could be remembering wrong but i have no memory of any robots)

Overall I give it a 5/10

"Zima Blue" - FAAAAAAVE! FAVE FAVE FAVORITE!!!! i fucking LOVE this one i watched it twice cuz i loved it a lot. really really great and it was done in the style of Motorcity/Tron: Uprising which made it even better. a really cool story and just fun to watch and interesting and charming. really really enjoyed it.

Love Rating 10/10 (a love for ART!) 

Death Rating 10/10 (two deaths and one was on screen and very sad but non-violent) 

Robot Rating 10/10 (yeah!!!!!!)

Overall I give it an 11/10 because i love it and want everyone to see it tbh

"Blindspot" - zzzzzzzzzzz. i mean ok it wasnt terrible but it just wasnt interesting. girl robot’s design is cute at least.

Love Rating 0/10 (some sex jokes but thats it) 

Death Rating 9/10 (fake deaths) 

Robot Rating 11/10 (yea its 100% robots)

Overall I give it a 3/10 cuz i was bored

"Ice Age" - this one is really funny and charming BUT the animation is almost...TOO realistic? uncanny valley or something. it looked like live action and it was a little weird but its fine cuz it was really really really good and just fun to watch. funny/charming/cute you name it!

Love Rating 7/10 (main couple seems to be in love or whatever but its not relevant to the story) 

Death Rating 10/10 (an entire civilization dies and starts over again, so) 

Robot Rating 8/10 (i mean...at the end of the civilization there was something robotic going on or something idk it was cool looking)

Overall I give it an 8/10 cuz i just really liked it a lot

"Alternate Histories" - this one is funny!! nothing really special just a bunch of funny shorts about how hitler sucks. a lot of these movies went for a hyper realistic animation style so this one is a nice change of pace.

Love Rating 1/10 (one of the shorts has a lot of fucking but that one was just kind of uncomfortable) 

Death Rating 10/10 (how many times can you watch hitler die? a whole bunch) 

Robot Rating 4/10 (future hitler appears in a robot suit at the end, so, like, i guess?)

Overall I give it a 7/10 cuz it was funny

"The Secret War" - okay so initially this one was super boring to me but it REALLY kicked it up a notch towards the end. i ended up rewatching it because i wanted to fully take in everything before it got good and yeah i liked it a lot. 

Love Rating 8/10 (family love no sex no titties no romance) 

Death Rating 16/10 (yeah. its a lot of limbs being ripped off and a guy shoots himself in the head) 

Robot Rating 0/10 (there were monsters and airplanes but no robots that i can recall?)

Overall I give it an 8/10 because there were no robots

#love death and robots #love death & robots #carro watches #obviously these are not spoiler free if u havent seen em yet but also the shows been out for a while #almost a year i think #long post

[momoyomaki]

Could Five realistically be autistic based solely on what we see on the show?

I stumbled across the theory that Five is autistic, and as someone with autism I find that very interesting. I’m not yet convinced he does have autism, but I’m not convinced he doesn’t either.

So let’s take this apart. :cracks knuckles:

First off, a couple things to keep in mind:

-No two autistic people are exactly the same.

-I am drawing on my own experience living with autism, and what I’ve witnessed from my sister and the kids I work with.

-Disabilities that affect the brain overlap. Many different things can affect the same areas of the brain, and we just categorize things for ease of assigning coping mechanisms. For example, if you were to take a brain scan of my brother who has PTSD, my sister who has brain damage from childhood trauma, and myself with autism, the scans would look very similar.

-Whether or not Five has autism, he most definitely has PTSD.

-Please chime in with your own theories and experiences, I’d love to open this TED talk up.

Ok here we go:

Klaus calls Five addicted to the apocalypse and he’s not wrong. Through an autistic lens, obsessing and hyper-fixating is like our bread and butter. My hyper-fixations have driven me to all sorts of extremes, like staying up for 24 hours, and giving myself heatstroke by hyper-fixating while outside. Whether Five is autistic or not he can obviously relate. His obsession with stopping the apocalypse drives him for 40+ years. He carries an eyeball around the entire time. His fixation on returning to his family keeps him going through his career as a hitman, something he makes clear he didn’t enjoy. On that note, he spent an episode walking around with a goddamn bullet wound. Talk about mind over matter, and also another tick in the hyper-fixation column. Again, when he checks on Klaus after he time travels to the Vietnam War, he’s clearly concerned for him, but gets sidetracked once again by his need to stop the apocalypse. Which is honestly valid, I mean, it’s the apocalypse.

Dolores. Anybody whose seen a decent therapist will probably have been told “yeah I know it sounds crazy, but try talking to yourself.” Being your own sounding board is a very healthy thing believe it or not, and Five uses Dolores for this purpose. Those with autism in my experience have crazy good imaginations. If I try hard enough I can fabricate fake memories to the point where I can’t quite remember it’s not true. I think this has a lot to do with the way autism thinks in pictures. Imaginary friend anyone? So Five finding Dolores and talking with her as if she were real for so long that he actually sees and hears her as a person? Totally believable and something I could see having happened to myself under the right circumstances. That being said, I feel he’s probably perfectly aware that she is, in fact, a mannequin. Dolores can be seen as a sign of Five having snapped or as a brilliant way of keeping his sanity while isolated for decades.

Coffee. Five’s caffeine addiction is probably not related to autism in anyway whatsoever, but boy can I relate. Coffee is my holy grail because it calms my personal blend of brain chemicals down enough for me to focus on things like driving. Of course that’s my ADHD talking. It’s not uncommon for those with autism to also have ADHD, but that’s a whole other post. So let’s just say Five’s relatable and leave it at that.

Sarcasm and Snark. Possibly the most common coping mechanism ever for any problem in existence. Probably just a part of Five’s glorious personality, but let’s say he developed it the way I did. As a way of taking on the world, sarcasm makes everything more bearable. It’s also a form of humor and nothing is as good as humor to cover social missteps. It takes you from being a weird outcast to being the Funny/Sarcastic Friend™️.

Five and routine. The first thing Five does when returning to the past is make his signature sandwich. Here he is, back with his family after all this time, and he doesn’t allow himself to bask in that, because the count down to the apocalypse has started. There’s no way he isn’t thrown off though, come on. 13 years old again with his family alive. When feeling shaken, most people with autism will absolutely fall back into routines even if they’re old ones. And who wants to bet he drove past at least one other perfectly serviceable shop with coffee on his way to Griddy’s and ignored them in favour of familiarity? And of course he works to get Dolores back right off the bat. When upset over the lab getting blown up he returns to what we can assume was home during the apocalypse; the library.

Five and his ability to take people at face value despite his overactive paranoia. From my experience working with those with autism, autistic people are some of the most forgiving people you will ever meet. This doesn’t have to come from a place of kindness. It’s more our black and white nature. Something used to be this way, and now it’s that way. We tend to just accept it where others might have a million questions. This goes hand in hand with our people sense. Oh we suck at reading social cues, but our instincts in regards to a persons trustworthiness are generally bang on. You see this in Five’s chat with Hazel. He doesn’t seem to have a problem buying what Hazel’s selling. Same with Klaus, who he acknowledges more then his other siblings even if it’s in a snarky manner. (He didn’t shoot Klaus down when he talked about conjuring their dad unlike Luther, and despite his angry reaction he took Klaus’ point about being addicted to the apocalypse seriously.) He gets angry when Vanya doesn’t believe him about the apocalypse but when it becomes clear that her disbelief is not malicious he doesn’t take it out on her. In contrast he doesn’t buy the Handler’s bullshit. To sum it up, Five is a practical people person, with good instincts but an outdated copy of Social Cues for Dummies. Is this autism or an effect of 40+ years alone? Both?

Five, the pragmatist. As the Handler says, Five is a first rate pragmatist which fits how a lot of those on the spectrum are very blunt, black and white thinkers. Where my family can debate politics for hours, my opinion is always the straightest path to whatever outcome I’m arguing for.

Five and clothes. Those on the spectrum tend to be hypersensitive, and clothing can be a Thing™️ for us. Certain materials feel like they're made of needles as opposed to just itchy, jeans are too tight, turtlenecks feel like a noose, etc. This is common, but sometimes it’s less about comfy sweatpants and more about familiarity. I have an undercut and if I don’t have time to get it shaved at the usual point, I get panicky. My hair feels slightly different, it looks slightly different, and it all just doesn't feel right. Five grew up wearing the academy uniform, and while he didn’t have the luxury of a suit and tie in the apocalypse, wearing a suit was clearly important to him during his time with the Commission. Even the Handler took notice, and gifted him a suit. And the second thing he does after making a sandwich in the past is find a suit that fits him. Ok, he didn’t have any options, but he didn’t have to wear the whole outfit. He could have mixed and matched. He could have stolen something from the department store. But no, he’s got to wear a suit jacket and tie. He even grabbed his tie off the guy he strangled at Griddy’s before he took care of the last dude. (Badass power move btw.) So I find it believable that the uniform was partially about appearances and partially about Five’s comfort zone, physically speaking.

(But wait, I hear you say, how can you throw in hypersensitivity when back up this post you claimed Five could have ignored his bullet wound via hyper-fixation? Here’s the thing, hyper-fixation basically mutes the notifications our bodies send us. We can be uncontrollably hypersensitive and still not clue into our bodies screaming at us while we fixate on something. But boy, we sure notice when we snap out of it.)

Five is all or nothing, ride or die. Oh boy is he ever. And most autistic people are too. We put our all into everything we do. Doesn’t always translate to doing it well, but we definitely give it our all. (In fact, we tend to over do things and need some serious recouping time after.) This can cover things already in the hyper-fixation section, like his obsession with the apocalypse. But going all in for something is different from the magnetic pull of hyper-fixation. It’s a conscious decision for one thing. The biggest example for Five is his commitment to his family. The Hargreeves are a dysfunctional family, and Five didn’t escape this by jumping to the future. He’s hardly the perfect brother but he’s the most invested in his siblings nonetheless. He became a killer for them, threw morals out the window for the slim chance he might be able to save them. And as is established pretty quickly, he put his all into being a hitman, becoming the best there ever was. That fight scene in the diner speaks for itself. And slicing up his own arm to get at the tracker? Well, it’s pretty clear that when Five commits to something he doesn’t mess around.

Five and math. Here we hit a stereotype about autistic people and their ‘special interests.’ Yeah, it’s really common, but what most people don’t know is that the majority of those on the spectrum are not math geniuses, or geniuses of any other kind. My sister’s ‘special interest’ is still relatively useful, being science, but she’s not a genius. Mine is ‘stories.’ Books, movies, theatre, music, etc. I can devour fiction forever. It’s basically useless to society though, because I’m picky af. But okay, Five fits the stereotype and is a math genius, or at least where it applies to time travel. We see this in the flashback already. Ok, time travelling didn’t work out as he’d hoped, but he managed it at 13 when even Reginald didn’t think he could. This makes me think that his tendency to spend hours working out equations didn’t start in the apocalypse.

Does Five stim? If so, we don’t really see it. That doesn’t rule out autism though, because, well, it’s a spectrum. I only stimmed as a toddler. Some people don’t stim at all.

Vanya. Another theory I’ve seen thrown around is that Vanya is autistic. I’m not going to address that here, but I do want to say that if she is, that wouldn't affect whether or not Five is autistic. Autism is not personality after all, and they are very different people. Again, autism is a spectrum and nobody displays all the same traits. If you’re thinking it would be unrealistic for Reginald. To have adopted two kids with autism, think again. That one autistic sister of mine? Adopted as a baby before we had any idea that she was a mini me.

Five doesn’t appear obviously autistic. What most people don’t realize is that autism is at the end of the day an invisible disability. Most people will know someone at some point on the spectrum and never even realize it. Because sure, sometimes you’ll see us rocking under the table or otherwise displaying what movies have stereotyped as autistic behaviour, but most of the time you won’t notice. We’re the slightly overly bright cashier at Walmart, the quiet bookworm at school, your favourite author that writes emotions so well, the person at comic con who can recite their favourite movie line for line, that kid that gets along best with those older or younger then them. If Five is autistic we may never know, because he’s perfectly functional, but that's hardly and argument against autism either.

And finally; people relate. Nobody knows autism better then those with autism themselves, so I’m inclined to take all the posts I’ve seen about Autistic!Five as a pretty big point on the autism column.

To summarize; none of these points taken alone indicate autism, but together well.... it’s an option at least.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk, I will now open the stage to audience input before this monster grows any longer.

#my asshole husband #five hargreeves #tua #umbrella academy #the umbrella academy #autistic!five #autistic!5 #number five #number 5 #five #the boy #netflix #autism #autistic #ua #the hargreeves #ted talk #fandom #musings #luther hargreeves #diego hargreeves #alison hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #ben hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #autistic!vanya

[aquarianlights]

I know I've already made a roommate/fremily appreciation post today. . .but it's the end of the day and I made up at least 200 notecards and several pages of notes in the time that they were gone and I am practically burnt out, but I'm still going. I'm still trying. And I have severe insomnia so if I don't take my ambien, which I am not because I have a limited supply and need to save them for emergencies (ie; getting myself to sleep early before starting a new job or internship). So, I mean, I might as well get things done and push through while I'm up all night when it is nice an quiet in the house, which makes memorization and focus easier for me.

But anyways. . .I just. . .wanted to point out that I would not have been able to continue going on like this if it were not for Tajh, Michelle, and Jeffrey. I have had some really, really, REALLY low times lately. Just. . .dips in my moods. Nothing like the depression I have experienced my whole life and nothing like suicidal ideation or thoughts of self harm like I have always dealt with. No, this is different. It's a hollow sort of pain. An emptiness. I terrifying cavern in the middle of my chest leading to no where in particular, but simultaneously excavating my heart right out of my chest. I'm beginning to just. . .consistently feel nothing at all. I am expressing emotions outwardly so that no one who knows me irl freaks out. I am forcing smiles and laughs and cute voices and exaggerated expressions like I normally do. Wild hand gestures, etc, etc, etc. . . But none of it is real and I haven't had to force these kinds of things in a long time. I'm talking since I was on my antipsychotics. But at least back then, I had a REASON to be like that. . .since antipsychotics literally suck the life out of you and leave you with NOTHING. Nothing but a hollow cavity in your chest where your heart and lungs are supposed to be.

It almost feels like someone cut all the nerve impulses off in my body (literally every single one) and then just. . .deleted all the chemicals in my brain and left me with nothing. It's like someone is trying to kill my soul, but not my body and me in particular. Because, albeit sometimes I believe in the concept of a soul, it doesn't always make sense to me. I believe we are merely our brains and the connected stuff (nerves, maybe?) to all the spine segments. That's all we are. . .electrical impulses pulsing throughout our bodies. And it feels like my system got fried and someone pushed a hard shut down on me and hasn't turned me back on to restart yet.

Maybe whoever was controlling that broke me. Maybe they accidentally uninstalled the wrong driver and can't re-download it anymore so I'm missing an important driver. Or maybe someone took the whole motherboard out. Idk. . .

I feel numb. I feel empty. I feel stoic and stagnant and borderline catatonic. I almost feel like I'm on the edge of psychosis. However, the fact I can keep control of my fake emotions and make sure to display them at the correct times to not raise any suspicion to my lack of ability to feel anything.is a good sign regarding psychosis. Means I'm deff not in psychosis right now. But I feel oddly close to it. All the times I've been in psychosis have had this foreboding feeling like I am getting now. It's more than just foreboding.

I just. . .do not comprehend/understand why this has been going on. It's been going on for days now, maybe even a week or two. But. . .it didn't get bad or severely noticeable until yesterday. And now today it's even worse.

And I'm sure I have come off as cruel, bitchy, manipulative, annoying, bratty, and mean at the most inappropriate times when people I'm talking to did absolutely nothing wrong. I try to apologize for my words and actions when I am like this, however. . .it never seems to help any because the action is already done.

And I am. . .I will admit. . .I am mildly hallucinating. Nothing bad, but. . .I'm starting to not be able to distinguish reality from the "dream world" which is what I keep slipping into. So they're not full blown hallucinations. They're like. . .actual dreams when you're asleep. . .but only in the waking world and superimposed over reality via sight. And it's very odd.

It's like that time that I very much SWORE I heard my father knock on my door. And I had a whole conversation with him about a UPS package drop off while the door was still closed (which wasn't odd coz he didn't like to go near me if he could help it). But when I actually had the courage to walk upstairs and talk to my mother about it later, she gave me a look like I was an alien.

I keep getting sidetracked because things are happening when I close my eyes or when I focus on the superimposed image. And I don't even mean to. And it all feels so real that I am actually responding aloud to the situations I'm seeing and hearing and somewhat physically feeling.

And there is nothing I can do about it.

I feel nothing. . .yet, my heart is in my throat from these subtle af, confusing, alarming, disturbing hallucinations.

It's one thing to have schizo-induced hallucinations because if you really focus, you can TELL they are not real with reality checks. These kind of hallucinations are legitimately so real and exactly like real life that it's impossible to tell what is real and what is not. These kinds of hallucinations I see actual events that would or have happened realistically wherever I am. I close my eyes and suddenly I'm in the room I am currently in. ..and one of my roommates will come in and start talking to me like we do. And we will have a conversation that we would DEFINITELY have in real life. . .with all the hand movements and everything. So when I open my eyes, I automatically finish the conversation ALOUD irl without even meaning to and then I look around only to notice I'm completely alone.

And it is scary as all hell. This used to happen a lot growing up and when my schizo-affective disorder first manifested and then calmed down later. I haven't had one of these hyper-realistic hallucinations in a very long time. And it keeps happening every time my eyes close due to being exhausted. Sometimes I even end up typing things that are happening in my hallucination because I thought I had spoken about it or typed something relative to the conversation in my hallucination and then I look at what I'm typing and suddenly realize it doesn't fit ANYWHERE in the paragraph or post.

I'm...alone. And scared. But at the same time. . .I can't feel the loneliness or feel scared. I know I AM lonely and scared. But. . .I can't FEEL them. If that makes sense?

But I just wanted to give a shout out to the absolute best roommates in the ENTIRE fucking world. You guys are amazing and I love you all so much. The words of encouragement and the little things you do like buy me coffee or turn on the light for me or bring me something that is out of reach while doing schoolwork so I don't have to get up and spill notecards everywhere. . .comforting me with little pep talks and a pat on the head/petting, a squeeze on the shoulder, something affirming that I'm not alone and that I CAn do this. . .It's all those little things that are really making me happy. Because it shows you're all paying attention to what I need/want and I could not even feel any more love than I feel right now.

Jeff, Tajh, and Chelle will be my fremily for life. Even if moving here when we get a newer, bigger house doesn't work out for some reason, all three of you will always hold a special place in my heart. And I will never, ever, EVER forget about the little things that have been done.

Thank you. I love you guys to death. and I'm sorry I had to make a second post of appreciation for all three of you, but I wanted to get it out there and remind you all how much I love you.

#personal #c/ped from fb #i love you guys so damn much ugh #i am so happy here

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

17 miniature gifts that will make you wish everything was tiny

Everything is cuter when it comes in miniature size. Think mini horses, travel-sized condiments, and teeny replicas of your favorite board games. 

So this year, why not gift some miniature items? They're just like regular-sized gifts, but far more adorable.

SEE ALSO: 7 gifts that are way better than things

There's a surprising number of products that come in minute sizes, like arcade games, filing cabinets, and zen gardens—so you're bound to find something for everyone you love in minuscule sizes. 

Plus, if you have to travel during the holidays you'll be relieved to find that your luggage is lighter, now that you're not being weighed down by chunky sweaters and candles for that one relative you always forget to shop for. 

Here are our picks for the 17 best miniature items that are just begging to be gifted this year:

1. A tiny (but, fully functional!) arcade game

Just look at those tiny controllers!

Image: tiny arcade/amazon

Any lover of classic arcade games would be thrilled to get their hands on this tiny Pac-Man arcade game.

This tiny machine offers multi-level game play "true to the original, full size arcade game," according to its description. And, Tiny Arcade sells all of the major arcade classics like Ms. Pac-Man, Galaxian, and Space Invaders as well. 

Price: $17.29 on Amazon

2. A portable seltzer maker

Imagine: perfectly bubbly seltzer at all times.

Image: isoda/amazon

If you know anyone obsessed with their Soda Stream, or someone who just has a keen love of bubbly water, then you need to get them this portable seltzer maker.

The iSoda DrinkMate Mini Hand Held Carbonated Soda Maker can make you your own liter of seltzer, or whatever carbonated beverage you please, anywhere! On the train, at a picnic, in a car — the options are limitless. 

Price: $22.00+ on Amazon

3. Peanut butter and jelly earrings

So. Cute.

Image:

TakamiCrafts/Etsy 

These unbelievably small peanut butter and jelly earrings made by the TakamiCrafts Etsy shop are almost too cute to handle. And if they weren't as small as a penny, you might just mistake these hyper-realistic clay and resin sculpted earrings for the real thing.

Price: $10.00 on Etsy

4. Miniature filing cabinet 

An amazing option for a Dilbert lover.

Image: tech tools/amazon

You won't be able to file any paperwork in this little guy, but you will be able to stow away 800 business cards. Tech Tools' Miniature File Cabinet, also comes with a built in digital clock. 

A perfect gift for anyone who loves office supplies with a meta twist.

Price: $15.79 on Amazon

5. A travel cocktail kit

Never leave the house without Hot Toddy mix, as  I always say.

Image: W&P/amazon

Planes leave much to be desired when it comes to their refreshments, but a sleek little cocktail kit can seriously shake things up. 

The Carry On Cocktail Kit provides everything needed to make a single cocktail just for you, and they come in a variety of mixes, including everything from an Old Fashioned to a Bloody Mary. 

Price: $16.59 on Amazon

6. Very small embroidery hoop necklace

Perfect for the crafter in your life.

Image: craftywoolfelt/etsy

Needlepoint has a way of making people feel especially cozy—and that feeling intensifies tenfold when embroidery hoops are of the miniature variety.

The mini hoops crafted by CraftWoolFelt measure only one-inch in diameter and can used as a needle minder or made into a crafty necklace.

Price: $10.50+ on Etsy

7. A perfume sampler

So many different smells to choose from!

Image: sephora

It's hard to pick out a fragrance for someone, and perfume can be so expensive that buying someone perfume hardly seems worth the risk. But, Sephora's Perfume Sampler gives your giftee the chance to sample six different—and highly popular—perfumes to see what they like. 

And on top of all that the sampler includes a free voucher for one perfume rollerball!

Price: $25 on Sephora

8. The World's Smallest Quadcopter 

It can take off from your thumb!

Image: Hammacher Schlemmer

The "World's Smallest Quadcopter," is a very tiny drone-like toy, that has the ability to fly up to 65 feet away from its controller, and it can even do a figure eight. 

Price: $39.95 on Hammacher Schlemmer

9. A desktop drum set

A blessing and a curse.

Image: Archie mcphee

This seven-piece desktop drum set is a wonderful option for any music lover, or better yet, for anyone interested in causing a little office chaos. 

Price: $17.95 on Archie McPhee

10. Avocado necklace

If only it was a real avocado :'(

Image: Sweetsofmyown/etsy

SweetsOfMyOwns' surprisingly realistic avocado necklace is the perfect present for anyone who worships nature's greatest gift: a ripe avocado.

Price: $16.25 on Etsy

11. Tiny zen garden for your desk

I feel relaxed already.

Image: Paintspiration/Amazon

This Zen Garden Relaxation Gift, provides all the soothing benefits of an actual sand garden, just in miniature size: sand, a rake, tiny rocks. What else could one ask for?

Price: $24.99 on Amazon

12. A tin full of fancy flaked sea salt

Flavor on demand.

Image: Maldon/amazon

Anyone obsessed with getting their seasoning just right will love this somewhat pretentious tiny tin of Maldon sea salt flakes, full of you guessed it: flaked sea salt. 

Price: $5.99 on Amazon

13. Steak earrings, because why not?

Mmm, steak.

Image: badgersbakery/etsy

These little steak earrings from BadgersBakery will delight the meat lovers in your life and horrify the vegetarians. 

Price: $11.74 on Etsy

14. A petite piano that actually plays music

Talk about a baby grand piano.

Image:

TealsPrairie/Etsy 

Okay, so technically the piano is a jewelry box that plays "Laputa: Castle in the Sky," so you won't actually be able to play any music on it, but it's still an incredibly convincing miniature of the real thing.

Plus, you can engrave whatever you want on top of the baby grand piano at no extra cost.

Price: $69.99 on Etsy

15. Small works of art inspired by your favorite artists

Such beauty.

Image: MaggieSternStitches/Etsy

MaggieSternStitches creates tiny replicas of art created by Marc Chagall, Henri Matisse, Amedeo Modigliani, Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, among many others. 

These minute masterpieces are easy to transport, and you don't have to worry about whether or not your giftee has enough space on their walls for them

Price: $12 on Etsy

16. A small house plant you don't need to water

Brighten up the tiniest corner of someone's home with this little guy.

Image: MiniaturesByEmy/etsy

Plants have the amazing ability to bring new life and energy into any environment they're in—they also require a decent amount of upkeep. But with a miniature fake plant there's basically no work required at all.

So why not pick up a Miniature Maranta created by MiniaturesByEmy for all of your plant loving friends this year? The Etsy shop also has other varieties of plants available if there's a particular species you're hoping to gift.

Price: $12 on Etsy.

17. Travel size Battleship

Play your favorite board games wherever you are.

Image: Hasbro/amazon

While extremely fun, board games can be big and bulky, and difficult to travel with. But that's why there are miniature travel versions of your favorites, from Connect Four to Clue.

Price: $7.99 on Amazon

WATCH: Build your own miniature food sculptures with this polymer clay kit

#_author:Amanda Luz Henning Santiago #_uuid:71d4c310-39ea-35e0-86bb-4c43dc9bf469 #_category:yct:001000002 #_lmsid:a0Vd000000DTrEpEAL #_revsp:news.mashable

[stilesderekscottissacandme]

Battlefield

A lot has changed since the other night. Mom hasn't talked to either Scott and I since, she's just locked herself in her room. She hasn't come out at all. I heard her crying in the middle of the night. But what do you expect when your kids are...monsters? And Matt? Matt's dead. Drowned in the river under the bridge, how fucked is that?. Scott has been lying to us. He's been working with Gerard. Allison's mom is dead. Allison has broken up with Scott....And Derek and I...We're getting closer.. Right now, I'm talking to Bree. I told her about Matt. It's not like I can exactly tell her about everything going on. I am also...for no reason at all....I'm re-roping one of Scott's lacrosse sticks.

"You know when you're drowning, you don't actually inhale until right before you black out. It's called voluntary apnea. It's like no matter how much you're freaking out, the instinct to not let any water in is so strong that you won't open your mouth until you feel like your head's exploding. But then when you finally do let it in, that's when it stops hurting. It's not scary anymore. It's - it's actually kind of peaceful." I said to Bree as I looped rope around it's self. She stared at me for a second before speaking.

"Are you saying you hope Matt felt some peace in his last moments?" She asked and I numbly shook my head.

"I don't feel sorry for him." I said bluntly.

"Can you feel sorry for the nine - year - old Matt who drowned?" She asked and I thought about it for a few seconds before speaking.

"Just because a bunch of dumbasses dragged him into a pool when he couldn't swim doesn't really give him the right to go off killing them one by one. And by the way,Stiles' dad told us that they found a bunch of pictures of Allison on Matt's computer. And not just of her though. I mean, he photoshopped himself into these pictures. Stuff like them holding hands and kissing. You know, like he had built this whole fake relationship. So yeah, maybe drowning when he was nine years old was what sent him off the rails, but the dude was definitely riding the crazy train." I said, I didn't even notice how harsh it was when I said it.

"One positive thing came out of this, though. Right?" She suggested and I thought about it.

"Yeah. Yeah, but I still feel like there's something wrong between us. I don't know. It's just like tension when we talk. Same thing with Scott." I said to her while continuing to rope another line of the net.

"Have you talked to him since that night?" She asked and for a second I forgot about the lacrosse stick in my hands and looked up to her.

"No, not really. I mean, we are both taking this all pretty hard. I mean, I don't know if I really care about that though. We have been having...a disagreement. We've both got our own problems, so it doesn't really matter either way." I said and for a few seconds I thought back to Scott, talking to his mom before leaving for school.

Mom. Mom, we're gonna have to talk about this eventually. Okay. I'm going. I love you. He said before walking to the door. Bree was meeting me at the school so I decided to ask Derek for a ride. Yeah, Derek.

"I don't think he's talked to Allison either. But that might be more her choice, you know. Her mom dying hit her pretty hard. But I guess it brought her and her dad closer. Jackson? Jackson hasn't really been himself lately. Actually the funny thing is, as of right now, Lydia is the one who seems the most normal." I said as I went back to the lacrosse net.

"And what about you, Alex? Feeling some anxiety about that championship game tomorrow night?" She asked and I didn't even understand what she was talking about. I don't play lacrosse...

"Why would you ask me that?" I asked and she just looked at the lacrosse stick in my hand. Ohhh. "I don't play, I'm just...Stressed. But hey, since one of the lacrosse players dead and another is missing." I said letting the sentence drone.

"You mean, Isaac. One of the three runaways. You haven't heard from any of them, have you?" She asked and I was utterly confused as to how she knew that. But then I thought about it and she was probably looking into Beacon Hills. Well, what's on the surface anyways.

"How come you're not taking any notes on this?" I asked, she usually took notes and it confused me not seeing her familiar notepad in her hand.

"I'll do my notes after the session." She said and I just stared at her with confusion in my eyes.,

"Your memory's that good?" I asked her, going back to the lacrosse stick. It was almost finished now.

"How about we get back to you? Alex?" She suggested and I finished the net, setting it down beside me.

"I'm fine. Yeah, aside from the not sleeping, the jumpiness, the constant, overwhelming, crushing fear that something terrible's about to happen." I said. I studied Bree's face. There was something...Different about her, I couldn't decide what it was though.

"It's called hyper - vigilance, the persistent feeling of being under threat." She said causing me to go back to the conversation taking place.

"But it's not just a feeling, though. It's - it's like it's a panic attack. You know, like I can't even breathe." I said. And it was true. My life has been turned into a horror movie that I can't escape. It's full of werewolves, and kanimas, werewolf hunters...and Guardian failures.

"Like you're drowning?" She asked and I simply nodded my head before speaking.

"Yeah." I said. "Exactly, like I'm drowning." I said.

"So if you're drowning, and you're trying to keep your mouth closed until that very last moment, what if you choose to not open your mouth? To not let the water in?" She asked and I stared at her. There was definitely something different, and it might not even be new. My extra heightened senses might be picking up on something I hadn't before. Even when I was a Guardian.

"You do anyway. It's a reflex." I said, looking at her with my head titled sideways.

"But if you hold off until that reflex kicks in, you have more time, right?" She said and I thought about it.

"Not much time." I stated bluntly.

"But more time to fight your way to the surface?"She asked and I looked at her with confusion in my eyes.

"I guess." I said.

"More time to be rescued?" She suggested and I looked at her as if she were crazy.

"More time to be in agonizing pain. I mean, did you forget about the part where you feel like your head's exploding?" I said rather harshly.

"If it's about survival, isn't a little agony worth it?" She asked and I thought about it for a second. Maybe after we fix all this crap with Jackson, everything will go back to normal...Or as normal as life can get for a bunch of teen wolves.

"But what if it just gets worse? What if it's agony now and then - and it's just hell later on?" I asked. What if we fix Jackson..But more..worse...stuff happens to us. What if Jackson is just the beginning?

"Then think about something Winston Churchill once said - "If you're going through hell, keep going." I thought about what she said. We have already been through hell. Like Sam and Dean Winchester in Supernatural. But we are still going through hell. How is this even relatively fair? When school ended Stiles drove Scott and I home. It was full of a very stale, tense silence. The rest of my night consisted of watching Supernatural but I began to get this very eerie feeling, followed by a very familiar scent. I instantly felt something was wrong. Scott had just gotten out of the shower when I walked into his room. He must have felt and smelled it too.

What I saw made me feel sick to my stomach. Gerard was sitting in a corner of the poorly lit room, but that wasn't what made me feel so terrified yet angry. On the ceiling in the corner was the kanima, holding mom in the air by her throat.

"As you can see, Scott, there's been some interesting developments lately. I think we should catch up. Come on, Scott, let's be realistic about who's got the upper hand here." I could feel myself about to change.

"Let her go." Scott said. I got into the best defensive position I could and put on a serious face.

"Can't do that. But let her live? That's up to you." Gerard said and I looked up to see mom struggling against the tail wrapped around her throat.

"What do you want?" I growled. Gerard laughed and ignored my question.

"I want to talk. You haven't been answering your phone." He said directing it to Scott. I felt myself getting closer and closer to the shift but held it back.

"Let her go, and we can talk about whatever you want." Scott said. I growled again but Scott held up his hand and I backed off a little bit.

"I want the same thing that I have always wanted. I want Derek and his pack." Gerard said. But...aren't I part of his pack now? Does that mean that he wants me too?

"You have them all in hiding. How am I supposed to know where they are?" Scott asked and I looked back up to mom who was struggling and crying. It made me feel sick.

"I think with the proper motivation, you could draw them out. And if you hadn't noticed, I now have a fairly impressive means by which I can motivate people. Why do you think I'm able to control him? Oh, you know the myth, Scott. The kanima is a weapon of vengeance." Gerard said looking up to the kanima who honestly looked amused.

"This is about Kate?" I asked, thinking back to that night that felt like it was an entire life time ago. "Because honestly the bitch had it coming. Killing an entire family, with children. Human children. Isn't your code "We hunt those who hunt us?" Well, I don't think that those children hunted any of you. Your daughter was a hunter gone bad. A psychotic bitch!" I said and the reaction wasn't the one I wanted.

"I didn't just come here to bury my daughter. I came to avenge her." He said before walking away. The kanima dropping mom and following. We ran over to her and she just cried on the floor.

"Are you okay?" Scott asked his mom. I just stood back.

"Oh, I don't know what's happening. I don't know what that thing was or even what either you are, but whatever he wants, just give it to him." Mom said and I felt my heart break. It made me feel even worse. I had nothing to say, so I let Scott talk to his mom.

"Mom, it's not that easy." He said. He was crouching next to her.

"Do what he wants. Just give him what he wants." She said. Doesn't she understand that that can get us killed?

"I don't know if I can." Scott said. I decided to just walk away at this point. I need to find Derek. I need help with shifting and controlling all of this. I also need to tell him about Gerard. I decided to call him.

"Alex?" His voice came through after a few rings.

"Derek...I'm at the house and I need you to come get me. I can't be here right now, and I also really need to talk to you. I need help Derek. I can't do this by myself." I said into the phone.

"Okay. I'll be there in a few minutes." He said before hanging up the phone. In a few minutes he was there and I was in the car, trying to find something to say. We went to his house.

"Derek, I don't think that Scott is really working against us, okay? I don't think that he would work with Gerard without good reasoning. Gerard has control over Jackson now. It was part of his plan, Derek. He threatened him with Melissa and I think he's done it before too. And now Gerard wants you and the pack. I don't think that means me too but, I don't know for sure." I said. Derek just looked at me with a rather puzzled expression. He didn't say anything for a few seconds.

"Okay." Was literally all he said. I just stared up at him. Being only 5' foot, I looked up to just about everyone. A few minutes later Erica and Boyd came in, saying that they were leaving the pack. That they wanted to find a new pack, and I just thought it sounded insane. Leaving the person who gave you everything. The person who fixed everything, why would you leave them? Why not do everything for them. Anything they asked.

"You decided. When?" Derek asked after Erica and Boyd nodded. I can't believe this.

"Tonight." Erica said. Unbelievable and I actually thought that her and I could actually make a friendship. Pathetic.

"Everyone's gonna be at the game. We figured it was the best time." Boyd said pitching in. Why would you leave the person who gave you power?

"It's not like we want to." Erica said and I finally snapped at them.

"What do you want then Erica?" I asked and Derek just looked back at me. I shrugged.

"Since I just turned 16 a month ago, I wouldn't mind getting my license. I can't do that if I'm dead, you know." She said and I kinda agreed to a point. I only have my permit and I'm 16 too. I think everyone else forgot about that though.

"Well, I told you there was a price." Derek said. Although, I don't think that they truly understood what would happen. What that price was.

"Yeah, but you didn't say it would be like this." Boyd said. Exactly what I thought.

"Yeah, but I told you how to survive. You do it as a pack. And you're not a pack without an Alpha." Derek said. I honestly can't believe that they want to go solo. They want to be omegas because honestly, finding another pack?Unrealistic.

"We know." Boyd said. I rolled my eyes. Honestly, it's not that easy.

"You wanna look for another pack? How are you even gonna find one?" I asked. And they looked from me to Derek, who was still standing in front of me. I rolled my eyes.

"We think we already did." Boyd said. Wait? What? They then proceeded to tell us how they were in the woods and they started hearing other wolves.

"Like all of a sudden we heard all this howling. It was unbelievable." Erica said. The sun was already starting to come up at this point. I still cannot believe them. Derek gave them everything. Strength, claws, teeth, heightened senses. Erica got a new found confidence. Boyd got friends, even better he got a pack. What the hell is wrong with them?

"There must have been a dozen of them." Boyd said. I could see that they were excited but couldn't understand why.

"Maybe more." Erica added.

"Yeah, or maybe only two. You know what the Beau Geste effect is? If they modulate their howls with a rapid shift in tone, 2 wolves can sound like 20." Derek said. I was still dumbfounded by his extensive knowledge of the supernatural world. Even though he was a born wolf.

"Look that doesn't matter, okay? There's another pack out there. There's got to be. We've made up our minds." Erica said and I just kinda glared at her. I could feel my heart rate rise, and everyone kept glancing at me.

"Yeah, we lost, Derek. And it's over. We're leaving." Boyd said and I snapped again.

"No. No, you're running. And once you start, you don't stop. You'll always be running. And I thought that the bite had made you stronger. No, you're just cowards with fangs and claws and glowing eyes. Derek knows just about everything to know about the supernatural and yet here you are "leaving." I said using my fingers as quotations. "Derek chose you because he thought you would make good betas but apparently he choose wrong. So go, run. Yeah, there's a kanima running around killing on command, whose master is now an Argent, a werewolf hunter. But you know what we had to deal with before Jackson? An alpha, who turned into a monster from your worst nightmares. Who ran on cold hard revenge alone. And guess, what we defeated him. If hunters, and a kanima is too much for you then just fucking leave. Cowards!" I yelled, throwing my hands into the air and walking away. I knew everyone was surprised by my sudden outburst but they deserve it.

I walked to the back yard. Throwing my fist into the tree's several times until my wrist screamed that if I punched one more time it would snap. Then I did something that was very much needed. I fell to the ground and cried. My life wasn't supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to be a guardian or a werewolf. I'm not supposed to look death in the face on a daily basis. I should be able to close my eyes without being scared that there is a threat. I should be able to sleep with out waking up from not nightmares but actual memories. Memories of the past and the last few months. I cried for everyone that I've lost, that we've lost. I cried for my parents, for the girls in the girls home I knew oh so well. I cried for the girls I was locked up with. I cried for Allison's mom, for Kate. I cried for everything I wanted. I wanted a normal life. I wanted a family, a real family. Not just a foster family...I...I wanted Derek.

I hadn't realized how loudly I'd been crying until someone scooped me in their arms and carried me inside. I fought back with everything I had. But they were to strong, then I realized it was Derek. He set me down on the same bed that I had woken up in a thousand years ago. He sat down next to me and I crawled over to him and collapsed into him, crying even harder than before. Eventually my sobs became small hiccups and I finally calmed down. Derek hadn't said anything but just his presence was comforting. What's happening to me? I've never really liked Derek at all. I barely even tolerated him until now. What the fuck is going on?

"Alex?" Derek asked his chest vibrating my body.

"Ye-yeah?" I asked. I was still laying on him. He'd laid back on the bed and was holding me in his arms. It's like, the bite, brought us...closer.

"it's just, your heart rate suddenly got really fast..What's on your mind?" He asked in a soft voice. I looked up at him. There's no way that I'm actually falling for him, is there? There can't be. I am not falling for him.

"It's just, I never expected my life to..to be like this." I said as I took a deep breath. "I'm either looking every which way expecting some nightmare to come for me. The other half I'm expecting Sam and Dean to be behind us ready to gank us." I said causing Derek's chest to bob with laughter.

"Well, I'm pretty sure that we aren't going to get ganked anytime soon. And I'm not going to let anyone hurt you Alex. I promise." Derek said and I heard my heart rate speed up again. "What is it?" He asked.

"Nothing." I said. Nothing. I hope that's all this is. Nothing. I must have fallen asleep because I opened my eyes some time after and realized that Derek was no longer by my side.

It's quite a situation you've got yourself in here, Derek. I mean, I'm out of commission for a few weeks and suddenly there's lizard people, geriatric psychopaths, and you're cooking up werewolves out of every self - esteem - deprived adolescent in town. I heard an all too familiar voice say.

What do you want? Derek asked his uncle. I felt sick as I quietly got up and walked to the door way to listen to the conversation.

Well, I want to help. You're my nephew. The only relative that I have left. You know, there's still a lot that I can teach you. Can we just talk? I heard Peter ask and then I heard heart rates accelerating and went to see what was going on.

Sure. Let's talk. Derek said as I watched a fight break out. Derek had thrown Peter into the stairs and the fight escalated from there. Then I heard my phone buzz from the other room and ran to go get it.

Alex, Jackson is going to be @ the game tonight. Might need back up. The text was from Scott. I grabbed my things and went back down stairs. The 2 were still going at it, and I decided to leave it that way. I practically ran to the school. The game would be starting in a few minutes and I needed to be there on time. Why the hell is Jackson gonna be at the game? I mean, honestly, it's just a stupid game. Unless there is more to it than that. Unless Gerard wants him to be at the game. Great. When I got there I was winded while standing found Mom and Stiles in the locker room with the rest of the team.

"Where were you last night Alex?" She asked. I looked at her avoiding eye contact with Stiles.

"Derek's...We were..Uhm..Training.." I said, coming up with a lie. I didn't know what mom would think, nor did I stiles.

"Oh.. Training for..?" She asked after a few seconds.

"Fighting..Shifting..Getting things under control." I said before coach Finnstock began talking to the team.

"Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will be joining others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind." Coach said and I felt my eyebrows furrow. What the hell? This is a lacrosse team?

"What?" Mom and I asked at the same time.

"Mankind - that word should have new meaning for all of us today." Was the only answer we got. Seriously though, it's a high school lacrosse game...?

"What the hell is he talking about?" Mom asked the question I couldn't push from my lips.

"He does this every year." Stiles said and mom and I just shared confused looks.

"Seriously?" I asked.

"Yeah." Stiles said avoiding eye contact.

"We are fighting for our right to live." Coach bellowed to the crowd of players surrounding him.

"Yeah!" They all yelled.

"Wait, is this?" I heard mom ask and I wondered what she was talking about.

"Yeah, it's the speech from Independence Day." Stiles spoke and I felt even more confused than before. Why the hell was he reciting the speech from Independence Day at a lacrosse game?

"But as the day the world declared in one voice - " Coach continued and I just looked at Stiles with big eyes.

"It's Coach's favorite movie." He said and I sighed.

"We will not go quietly into the night!" Finnstock yelled.

"He doesn't know any sports speeches?" I asked as I listened to the on going speech.

"I don't think he cares." Stiles shrugged.

"Today we celebrate our Independence Day!" Coach yelled and I sighed even deeper this time.

"Yeah!" All of the lacrosse players yelled in response.

"Well spoken, coach. I might have chosen something with a little more historical value, but there's no denying your passion. And while I haven't been here long, there's no denying my pride in having a winning team for this school. I know you'll all be brilliant tonight, even with only one co - captain leading you. Now, I'm your principal, but I'm also a fan. So don't think I'll be content to watch you merely beat this team. Get out there and murder them." It was Gerard. I felt a burning hatred burn in the darkest parts of my soul. The darkness hissing venomous words into my mind.

"You heard the man. Asses on the field!" Coach yelled and all the players ran onto the field in response. Everyone other than Scott and of course Stiles.

Coach, are you benching me? Scott asked. Oh god, Scott needs to be out there. In case Jackson decides to attack someone...well Gerard..

It's not my decision. Coach said and I felt anxiety slither up my body and into my mind.

But I have to play. Scott retorted.

McCall, you're failing three classes. Academics come first. Fucking shit. Scott needs to be on that field.

Coach, you don't get it. You have to let me play. Scott said, clearly he knew he needed to be on the field as well.

McCall, no. Not tonight. Tonight, you're on the bench. Coach said and that was final as he walked away. Scott threw his stick and helmet on the ground in a huff of frustration. I decided to go sit with Scott and Stiles on the bench.

"Your dad coming?" Scott asked Stiles, obviously.

"Yeah, he's already here." Stiles answered. He still wouldn't look at me, and I understood why...I just thought that we were closer friends than this...

"You seen Allison?" Scott asked.

"No, you seen Lydia?" I asked, finally saying something.

"Not yet." Scott said. I feel like we all know what's coming, for the most part. We just don't know what to say or how to express it. There's just so much shit going on I don't think we know how to react anymore. After all we are just kids...

"You know what's going on?" Stiles asked the question I couldn't put into words.

"Not yet." Scott and I answered at the same time.

"It's going to be bad, isn't it? I mean, like people screaming, running for their lives, blood, killing, maiming kind of bad?" Stiles asked and with every damn word I became more anxious.

"Looks like it." Scott said.

"Scott, the other night seeing my dad get hit over the head by Matt, you know, while I'm just lying there and I can't even move, it just - I want to help, you know, but I can't do the things that you can do. I can't -" Stiles said and I could smell the anxiety on him..Or was that me?

"It's okay." I said looking at him, I tried to make eye contact but he denied it.

"We're losing, guys." Stiles said just as coach stopped in front of us.

"The hell are you talking about? Game hasn't even started. Now put on your helmet and get out there. You're in for Greenberg." Coach said..Stiles is playing? Then Coach looked over to me and didn't even seem slightly surprised that I was sitting on the bench. It had become kind of a tradition during practice and games. Instead of saying anything Coach pulled a lacrosse jersey out of his pocket and handed it to me. "You sit on the bench for every game, for some odd reason. And you are pretty much part of the team. You're like, like the bench warmer." Coach said.

"What? What happened to Greenberg?" Stiles asked and I looked at the jersey. In white letters on the back it said Blackridge 13 and on the front it had a large 13 printed in neat letters. I slipped it on over my shirt, putting my flannel over it. It fit perfect everywhere, other than my boobs. It was slightly too tight, but it wasn't uncomfortable.

"What happened to Greenberg? He sucks. You suck slightly less." Coach said and we all just looked up t him.

"I'm playing? On the field? With the team?" Stiles asked and I just rolled my eyes.

"Yes, unless you'd rather play with yourself." Coach sassed and I smirked a little bit.

"I already did that today, twice." Ewe Stiles what the fuck, man?

"Get the hell out there!" Coach yelled.

"Ah." Stiles cheered as he ran onto the field. A few seconds later I heard Sheriff Stilinski, yes, I said sheriff, yelling about how that's his son. Then I heard something that chilled my bones and quickened my heart rate while rushing my breathing.

Scott, can you hear me? Ah, you can. Good. Then listen closely because the game is about to get interesting. It was Gerard. It was Gerard and I tilted my head as I listened. Alex, can you hear me as well? Interesting. Let's put a real clock on this game, Scott. I'll give you until the last 30 seconds. When that scoreboard clock begins counting down from 30, if you haven't given me Derek, then Jackson is gonna kill someone. So tell me, Scott, who's gonna die tonight? Should it be your mother, who so bravely came out to support you?You're foster sister, who is also your Guardian? Yeah I know about that too. Or the sheriff, your best friend's father? Or how about the pretty little redhead who managed to survive the bite of an Alpha? Or maybe one of these innocent teenagers with their whole life ahead of them? Gerard said and my heart rate quickened even more, as did Scott's. 30 seconds? The last 30 seconds of the game....What about Stiles? Oh my god...Or should I do everyone a favor and kill that ridiculous coach? It's up to you, Scott. But you are going to help me take Derek down. Because if you don't - I'll have Jackson rip someone's head off right in the middle of the field and drench everyone you love and care about in blood. That's brutal as fuck. What the hell? Argents are supposed to protect the innocents aren't they? What about the code? I am positive that this is breaking the code in every possible way. Just like Kate did. Like father like daughter I guess...Both are..were...crazy as hell.

The game unfolding in front of our eyes, was terrible. We were definitely losing. Stiles..was not doing good at all. At one point Scott stood up but was told to sit back down. Then I turned around because I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"You came to help." Scott said as I stared up at the large body of Isaac Lahey.

"I came to win" He said. I think that being part of Derek's pack made it a little bit easier to tolerate him...

"You got a plan yet?" Isaac asked as he sat down in between Scott and I.

"No, right now it's pretty much just keep Jackson from killing anyone." Scott replied. I silently cringed at how little effort was put into that plan.

"Well, that might be easier if you're actually in the game. We have to make it so coach has no choice but to play you." I said causing both to look over at me like I was insane.

"How do we do that? He's got a bench full of guys he can use before he ever puts me on the field." Scott asked and I simply looked at Isaac who was in his lacrosse outfit thingy. He just nodded. "Can you do it without putting anyone in the hospital?" Scott asked.

"I can try." Isaac said before going onto the field. After about 10 minutes of Isaac pummeling his team mates and the bench running empty of people and coach Finnstock yelling Isaac went down. Scott and I ran over to him.

"It's not broken. But I can't move it. I think Jackson nicked me 'cause I can feel it spreading." Isaac said as the EMT's started walking over to us. As we were still crouched next to him Gerard started speaking.

You want to play chess, Scott? Then you better be willing to sacrifice your own pawns. He said as we both looked over to where he was at the end of the bleachers.

"McCall. Either you're in or we forfeit." Coach said as he walked up to us, then he walked away shaking his head. I heard heavy footsteps indicating someone was running towards us and turned around to see, not who I expected, which was Jackson, but mom.

"Hey, something's happening, isn't it? Something more than a lacrosse game?" She asked, clearly she had pieced it together. I was surprised though.

"You should go." Scott said and I nodded. But she just shook her head.

"Oh, I'm not going anywhere. And everything that I said before, forget it. All of it. Okay? If you can do something to help, then you do it. You have to." She said looking from Scott to I then back and forth.

"We will." We both said at the same time. Mom just smiled and walked back to the bleachers. The game began to take a turn for the better and Stiles ended up scoring the last few shots. We were all on our feet, then my eyes flickered up to the clock that began ticking down from 30. I chewed on my nails nervously as Stiles made the winning shots. When the clock struck 0 nothing happened. Then all of the lights turned off and people began to panic. I ran out onto the field in search of Scott and Stiles. But instead of finding them, I found a hand over my mouth and a squirming body next to mine. I recognized the scents, it was Stiles next to me and the hand dragging me away and stuffing me into a car, was Gerard Argent.