#like ive never had to share my space or myself in that way and like inshaAllah i do get married but i genuinely cant see myself as married

[violentdevotion]

I really want to be married someday but I've never been in a romantic relationship of any kind so I can't conceptualise myself as a wife or part of a unit and most of the women in my life have already gotten married by the time they were my age and the topic of marriage is one that comes up a lot but I genuinely can't see myself as anything other than 19 years old.

#ameera speaks #im 20 #like i do really really want to get married but then i think about who i am as a person and i think about my perception of marriage #and the women who are married and they dont connect? #like ive never had to share my space or myself in that way and like inshaAllah i do get married but i genuinely cant see myself as married #maybe i should redownload hinge and get some practice #like ik im playing into this thing if women who are wives and women who are whores or whatever but i cant help that i feel unwifely #like when i think abt being in a relationship its nebulous and its sharing a bed with someone and its someone making me a warm #drink when im sick (probably bc im sick rn) and its saying the words my husband and its having someone to open and honest with but then #its also someone telling me to make them something to eat and not talking to me and complaining about every little thing i do #and i simultaneously feel that as a wife id either be incredibly loving and giving or just cold and absent #and sorry for the hashtag bad femin8sm here but ive never really had any luke proper goals in my life beyond general happiness and love #ive never seen myself doing a specific career or living inna specific house / neighbourhood #but ive always wanted for myself a loving marriage and as times gone on i see this vision of myself happy and in love less and less

[wiltkingart]

as another fruity tguy i really REALLY love the way u draw men so so much i see your work and i feel warm from head to toe cause you make trans men so beautiful. i can feel in every work that you love transmascs and being a tmasc and it comes thru in every paintstroke to me.

sorry to hijack with a big paragraph but last anon rly spoke to me and i wanted to share my experience if its ok

to last anon-- my journey is perhaps different from others but for me when i started T i also felt like it was the most important, life or death thing, but after spending time on T i found that even if the results werent as Manly as i was hoping for originally, i suddenly found myself in love with the simple fact that i had changed and my body had changed in a way that was on MY terms, even if it wasnt """perfectly passing"". since then ive found that not having T or having to lower my dosage was no longer painful or frightening.. im not sure how else to explain it other than At First, it felt like the testosterone was trying to fight Against the woman that Was my body, to sort of Transform it completely into this Man, but one day i just suddenly realized "oh. im not fighting anymore. and im actually pretty happy" and even tho i wasnt Perfectly masc by a long shot there was suddenly.. peace. i fell in love with my patchy body hair and my funny voice and my weird dick and then to my own suprise i found myself falling in love with the things i used to hate and wanted to get rid of. i suddenly loved my boobs (i wanted top surgery for YEARS before t) i loved my eyelashes, i loved the way my body looked in womens clothes, and i still loved being a man. im still a man and happier with that than ive ever been, but im more feminine now than i really ever have been! and its because suddenly being a man and having this mans body was something that belonged to ME, not to anyone else. this happiness and this body were on MY terms!!! so anon, i hope that you can try hormones and you get to explore the changes that bring you joy and that you find even more joy in the things you never expected before. but if you dont get hrt? youre still one of us always. i hope you will still find the love in your heart for yourself and the man you are regardless. peace and love and trangenderism ❤️

just want to add on that i relate heavily to your part about "falling in love with the things i used to hate and wanted to get rid of" because my chest was one of my biggest source of grief pre-T and could not imagine a life for myself without top surgery, and even injured myself from binding too much. but something about being on hrt and finally seeing and experiencing myself with more masc features (and living my life as a guy, in my own way) gradually flipped a switch in my brain and i started to love my boobs. and then when i stopped T i was worried and scared i would lose that love, but now i actually love them more than ever (if my art wasnt indication enough hehe). there's so many ways to be trans, and be a man, and i'm so grateful i gave myself the patience and space to explore that, and that i can continue to explore and experience joy with it. peace and love and transgenderism forever 💙

#love how half my notifs right now are sweet and genuine messages #and the other half is people talking about how badly they want to get leon pregnant #i wouldn't have it any other way <3 #ask wilt

[ruiniel]

I noticed in two of your works you wrote of a 'bond' between Alucard and his s/o, could I make a request between him and a female s/o about that specifically? Like perhaps how it came to be between them?

Thank you and no pressure ♥

Vampire-human bonding is a theme I like exploring in fiction! When a deep connection is formed with mutual consent, transcending the usual predator-prey relationship.

Alucard's character is technically not a full-fledged vampire but I'll take a creative license here.

Will incorporate this in the next few parts of 'Hidden'. Speaking of which, here's part IV (mostly fluff).

Hidden

Fandom: Castlevania series (2017-2021)

Pairing: Alucard x fem!reader

Rating: T

Count: 1.4k

Tags & Warnings: fluff

Part I - Part II - Part III

IV. Stay

You make it up the stairway in a rush. There’s an urgency to your step, because all you had was a moment and it was not enough.

Adrian opens the doors to his chambers and enters, then turns around to gaze at you. 

You close the doors behind you, leaning with your back against the hard wood. The surrounding silence, compared to the earlier commotion, gives the impression of landing in a faraway place, removed from the daily storms and weathering of humanity. Your heart thumps in your chest, your torso rises and falls from the brief but intense exertion.

There is a small, unsteady smile on his lips, one that seems to ask ‘well… what now?’

Wordless, you spring from your place and throw yourself in his arms even as Adrian’s tighten around your waist, and he spins you around a few turns, laughing softly. 

He nears a couch and sits you both on it, ensuring you remain draped over him (not something you'll complain about).

You have so many things to tell him, so many questions and so many fears—the latter of which you refuse to allow purchase in your mind, but you will have to settle them at some point, you know this.

And what of him? You nuzzle his cheek, breaths slowing, enjoying the tension radiating through his muscles, the way your body fits so snugly against him. This space is removed from the direct all-encompassing light of the sun and as such your surroundings feel even more remote, even more of an escape.

“Are you… sure about this?”

Adrian’s hand stops its repeated motion of running up and down your thigh. “Considering I’d wanted to ask you to be with me weeks ago, yes. I’m quite sure, my sweet silly one.”

You scoff, but bury your nose against his neck, inhale a scent of skin that unleashes a restless heat within. 

“... are you?” His question is spoken slowly, carefully, and you feel the way his throat bobs against your forehead when he swallows. 

“I…”  your feelings of strangeness, of inadequacy rise to the fore as you clutch at him, feeling his clothing between your fingers in a repeated, uncontrollable stim. “When I realized my changing feelings for you, I worried. I tried to smother them. When it didn’t work, I despaired—after all, who was I to you? Sure, we’d become close, and our time together was always pleasant, both intellectually and emotionally. It enriches my days.”

“But?...” His hand resumes the slow glide along your thigh and the simple intimacy of it combined with the unexpected turn of this day—you, here, in his space and in his arms—makes you so very weak. 

“But… I mean…” You’re glad you don’t have to look at him. “You’re so… your family brought you up to be this wonderful, beautiful person.”

Adrian breathes through his nose, a soft blush tinting his cheekbones. “Oh, really, now…”

“You can’t deny it, Adrian. You’re quite… striking to the average eyes. And knowing you, the extent of your capabilities, well… who was I, but a fleeting soul in your path? I thought that you’d never share my feelings, and wanted—tried—to remove myself from your proximity, from your life.”

He tips your chin up then, all bashfulness gone. “It hurts to hear you speak this way.”

“But do you understand?”

He smiles no longer, his gaze saddened, lowered lashes shadowing his eyes. “I’m trying. But… it’s not as though I ever accounted for my feelings to spread like wildfire either. I never thought I’d come to a point where the mere sight of you brought so much joy, such feverish yearning. I want to be in your life.” He pauses. “If you wish it.”

Emotion grows and spreads like flowered vines inside you, spilling through your chest. “My fears got the better of me. Please…” You know what you want to say, but the words struggle to leave your mouth. “Stay in my life.”

Adrian smiles winningly, sucking on your bottom lip with a velvety ‘mmm’ that leaves you dizzy. He hoists you up in his lap with a tighter grip. “How about this? We take it slow.”

“Slow,” you repeat, palm pressed to his fast-beating heart.

Ripe light washes the valley in a warm glow as you climb, following Adrian on a barely beaten path uphill. As you’d agreed, you left your studies and daily chores for this short escape, to take some time for yourselves.

You can’t but stare as he walks ahead, a bag slung over one shoulder containing a few basic necessities and tools for your trek through nature. Your own bag is significantly smaller, but there’s not much you needed to bring. You’re on the second day of your trip, and Adrian guided you through landscapes of such beauty they left you yearning for faraway places you’ve never been. The air is breezy, balmy to your heated body.

“We’ll be there soon,” Adrian says, half turning with a smile. 

“There? There… where?” 

“You’ll see,” he adds, tone conspiratorial enough to make you wonder. 

To your right, the lands are garbed in nature’s colors of evening, a long river with fast waters throwing itself in a long sweep at the horizon. Mountains lie sleepily beneath a westering sun, its disc glowing reddish gold. 

Being here, with him, is all you need at the moment. Since your tense confession, things have changed, but it all felt so natural: the shift in the way he glances at you, the way he takes your hand or caresses you when you fall asleep tucked against him. 

Your gaze moves from the scenery to Adrian’s figure, his booted feet soundless as he walks ahead with a determined grace you always found devastatingly attractive. You’re grinning stupidly, probably, but couldn’t care if the gods themselves saw it. For a few sparse times in your life you’ve taken decisions that you knew, deep down, were right for you, whether scary or complicated seeming—and this is one of those times.

It’s not a treacherous path at all, you think as you take another step. Your right foot slips just slightly over a rounded stone, and you catch yourself, hand reaching for the earthed wall to your left for leverage. You grab hold of a root, breathe in relief, and go your way. 

“How are we doing?”

He keeps checking on you, and by ‘we’ of course he means ‘you’, but you can’t fault him his concern. Adrian tends to fuss over people he cares about, in that adorable, unobtrusive way of his. “We’re doing well,” you say, eyes on the harmony that is the line of his shoulders, “Very well, I’d say.”

“Hmm.”

You climb up, and up and up, and before you spreads another valley: an emerald green view, the clear eye of a lake staring back at you from below. “Is that where we’re heading? I could use a bath.” 

“So could I. We’ll have the opportunity soon.” He says the last word softly, a shiver on the wind.

Certain images take their place in your imagination, much less metaphysical than before: such as, what he looks like without that shirt. 

Slow, he’d said. Need pools to your core at the many meanings of that one word, and lost as you are, the ground loses your focus—you slip again, this time finding no purchase as you reach out to right yourself but tilting your body just so, evading a precarious fall.

You glance ahead at Adrian, hoping he hasn’t heard. The last thing you want is to lengthen any worries he might have, because you want to be here.

“I beg you to watch your step.” 

You freeze, stopping your climb. “You… you heard?”

Adrian looks over his shoulder at you. “I'd like to avoid a repeat of that time in the library… might you want to walk in front?”

“I…” The look in his eyes is strange; something tells you he would’ve been at your side in the blink of an eye, but went to some lengths to keep to himself and not be overbearing. You appreciate it. “Sure.”

As you walk past him you’re drawn into his side with a fluid but firm grip, followed by a hasty, hot press of lips. “Not helpful,” you murmur, knees turned to mush as you fall into him. 

His smile is both dangerous and beatific. “I’ll be sure to remember that.”

Part V

#alucard castlevania x reader #adrian tepes x reader #castlevania x reader #alucard x you #castlevania imagine #castlevania x you #x reader #character x reader #alucard x reader #ruiniel:fanfiction #canon x reader #canon x oc #castlevania alucard x reader #fem reader

[commanderyes]

I think like everyone I got mega hyped about anet adding Snargle Goldclaw to the game as an homage to your character, but over the years ive started to wonder how it feels for you when Goldclaw is such a different character in personality and tone from your Snargle. A canon erotic fanfiction author is a very funny joke and it was a pleasant surprise to see him more fleshed out as a person in EoD. But your comics, though sometimes funny, are special in how earnestly and powerfully you can extract the emotional weight of gw2's story. Snargle Gutslurper as an interpretation of our commander is wonderful- authentic and funny and full of heart. The game often rushes past powerful moments and I appreciate that you've always let him have the time and space to process in a more real way.

I imagine there are players who may know Snargle Goldclaw but never Snargle Gutslurper, which is kind of bittersweet to think about. I wonder if you've ever had thoughts like these and what it's like to be in this unusual situation as an artist and as a player.

A bonus thought- has Goldclaw ever come back through the other way and influenced how you see Gutslurper?

No matter the case thanks for sharing your stories. Long live Snargle 🙏

Personally I never thought - and still don't think - I'm that big of a deal. I just decided to draw a couple silly comics to cheer myself up when I was hitting a rough patch, saw people received them very positively and it all just kinda snowballed from there. It's allowed me to revisit feelings and thoughts I've had about the story back when I was playing all by myself at launch, and further explore heavier themes because, well, how many of us have had a point where nothing ever seems to go right with our lives no matter how hard we try? How many of us have felt like we're just being pulled along through life, not knowing what do we really want, or how we feel about ourselves?

And more importantly it's allowed me to meet people I hold very dear to this day and who I feel I would never have met if I hadn't decided to start this weird little journey.

As for Goldclaw...knowing that my silly depressed cowcat got the devs to name a character after him, and it ended up being an extremely horny shitpost that just keeps on growing while SIMULTANEOUSLY being a war-scarred romantic idealist slowly working towards being a better writer and person, will always be one of the high points in my life

[stormblessed95]

I'm Stepping Away For A While...

Over the past week, and then some, I have been called a multitude of names in an effort to make fun of me and rude names including wh*re, p**sy, bitch, a liar, a fake, etc. I've been told I'm a fake/bad ARMY, a fake jikooker, etc. Ive had people call my friends deragatory names and misgender them. And I've also had someone in my DMs try to gaslight me into believing that this was not harassment or Bullying, but that I should apologize to my followers for threatening to block people and that people were just expressing strongly worded commentary over how my actions hurt them. And that I needed to take responsibility for creating the drama at all. And none of that is okay, and honestly it's been a lot. And the way people just brushed over the name calling and harassment regardless of if they disagreed with me or liked me, that was a lot too.

Blocking people to curate my space is not harassment or bullying or disrespectful. Its simply protecting myself and trying to curate a safe space for me personally. Nor have I ever started a hate campaign to try and drive another blogger off the platform. And if a post of mine encouraged people to send messages or hurtful asks to someone else, and I KNEW about it, I would've said something and asked them to stop. Sharing an opinion or disagreeing with someone is not me sending anyone hate. Nor would I ever want that for anyone regardless of any disagreements we had over whatever topic.

I've lost quite a few followers over the past week, people believing things that are being said and that's fine, i was never here for the numbers anyway. Id rather you unfollow or block me peacefully if you dont like me or my posts. Some of the people engaging with this hate against me were honestly surprising. But it is what it is. But I don't feel safe in this space anymore. I honestly haven't for a while. Blogging isn't as fun anymore. I don't want to post while it feels like a chore. And that's not because of anyone or anything in particular. I opened this blog because it brought me joy and it was fun. And it's really sad that something that brought me happiness is no longer doing that for me. It's not just all this drama either. It's probably been awhile coming, making my timeline posts for longer posts felt more like something I had to do for you all instead of something I wanted to do for me. And that's not what I want for this space.

So I'll be stepping away for awhile. When or if I come back will depend on if I can get that joy back for doing this and I feel like this can be a fun corner of the internet for all of us together again. And also for if I feel like I can do this without it being so mentally draining and just not good for my mental health like it has been lately.

I'll leave my blog here and my masterlist because I know that a lot of people enjoy the archive of some past content I have cataloged there. I don't want to take that away from anyone for that reason alone since I want people to be able to access that content if they can't otherwise find it. I also want the option to be able to come back to this blog again at some point. So I don't want to delete it or say I'm stepping away permanently, nor do I want people wondering what happened to me or anything. I just need a break. I do apologize for all the post series I have started that are remaining unfinished now for a little while.

If you want to unfollow me knowing that I'll be absent from here for awhile or for any other reason, that's totally fine. Honest. No hard feelings. I wish you well and hope everyone will continue to do well and enjoy the next few months of music, content and love from the members. Maybe I'll try to be back in time for JJK1 whenever that happens.

Again, this is just something I need. I'm okay, I'm not hurt or upset. I just need a break. I appreciate you all understanding. I'll still be in this fandom and be ARMY for life. I'll still be around for the next day or so. Thank you for understanding. I do love you guys and hope to back as soon as I'm able to.

[meowticta]

Uhh, lately i've been reading about cpunk, and guys i love yall, i think it's important to have a space for you, and people who also go thru things you also have, share experiences, etc, a mental condition/neurodivergence will never be the same as using a cane, a wheelchair, having a physical disability, yes for example autism can also have physical symptoms such as dyspraxia, but not because ur autistic ur physically disabled, also not everyone has dyspraxia.

but i also wonder if tourettes... is a part of it? ive been wondering this for many weeks.

like, i remember being very young, walking was an issue, people bullied me for it, sometimes couldn't even talk, because my tics interrupted me, i hit and scream and fall. body hurts when i hit myself, body hurts and is in pain and tired and wants to puke and nauseous after tic attacks that i only want to rest, a few weeks ago i had a tic in my arm that left me without sleep because i couldn't stop, i dont use .. a mobility aid, but i would consider it if tics get worse... lately it's not that bad, waxing and waning tics you know...

but i tend to hit myself a lot + pain + tired, tic attacks are coming again too.. a lot, i have one or two tic attack per 1-2 month i think which is way better than when i was younger (dealt with attacks almost every week..)

and i always wondered if tourettes was a physical disability, you know, it may seem silly andd stupid even, but professionals always told me it was neurological, nothing else, (and they were completely useless too... didnt gave me tips to handle it, therapists barely heard of it, did not give me any support other than a diagnosis and some medication thats all (medication which im grateful tho it helps me ton))

i dont... tend to call myself disabled because people look at me and dont think i am, and i get really scared w confrontation so i prefer not to .. say things like that, m also autistic btw, but thats another thing, i know autism disables me, but i dont know if tourettes disables me

it's been good years, i know some disabilities also have better days and worse days, but i feel like it's too much time for me, from 5+ or 5-months, i can have little to no tics, but they come back too anyways, and i'll be hitting myself and body will hurt.

sorry if this is stupid, only recently have been seeing tourettes being called a physical disability, and it changes how i see myself too

if you answer or read this thank u!

#actually tourettic #tourette's syndrome #tics #tourette #tourettes #tourette syndrome #cripplepunk #cripple punk #crip punk #cpunk #ticpunk #words are hard

[qpr-culture-is]

on anon bc they follow me on here but i started theater recently and made friends for the first time in my life, and two of them ive been feeling really strong things?? for?? but i know its not romantic attraction because im aromantic, and its not sexual at all bc im asexual. im so confused!!

i dont feel or understand romance but i want to go out with them downtown, i want to hold hands, i want to cuddle and cherish their warmth. they both give such good hugs and theyre both so kind to me and they love sharing things and i feel like theyre becoming my entire world.. but not for romance. not for their bodies. not for their possessions or their similarities to myself or their looks.

for them.

and its scaring me.

i dont know how to react to it because ive never had these feelings before and im worried if i tell them they'll hate me. i have no clue how to act around these desires or how to phrase them in a way to explain to them and im just. im scared.

i think it might be queerplatonic attraction, and the idea of a queerplatonic partnership/relationship sounds like a dream come true, but im so scared.

do you have advice? anecdotes? anything?

i am so sorry for totally venting and rambling on to you, i just don't know queerplatonic resources outside of tumblr spaces and really need some help.

it certainly sounds like it's along the lines of queerplatonic attraction.

discovering something new about yourself and your queerness can always be scary. it's just something that with time you'll have to get used to and accept. that may be a bit of the problem here, with all of the uneasiness

and I don't believe they'd hate you for it at all. id just be honest about how you feel. if it makes them upset or dislike you then they weren't worth your time to begin with.

and it's okay to vent, sometimes it really helps so no need to apologize

[kafus]

my friend who passed away was the friend who got me that event pichu exclusive to IRL movie theaters in south korea that i mentioned a while back. his name was Riku

he passed away in the early morning of the 22nd (21st in my timezone). he was in his early 20s and had just moved out on his own and it was way too soon for him to go. just a week or two ago i was watching the kaika and vwp gensho concerts with him at 4 in the morning. he was around literally everyday - me and my friends found out about his death so soon because we were concerned that he was gone for just one day, and on the second day we reached out to one of his IRL friends to find out where he was. he was often in the hospital so i was hoping he was just afk for a particularly long time in the hospital and he would send a picture of his iv drip and the ceiling like he always did. i could not have imagined this would be the time he didn't make it. it is going to be weird not hearing from him literally everyday like i have been for the past 2-3 years. i am really struggling with this, i have had friends pass away but never any this close to me. i'm trying to keep myself together for his sake

leave it to me to process strong emotions through pokemon i guess but i loaded up SV to give the pichu the best friends ribbon so it says "the Great Friend" when sent out. i can't nickname it due to the fateful encounter flag but i've given him the name Anemo in my mind at least since our main shared interest that we met over was Kamitsubaki, and his favorite singer was Isekaijoucho, and the flower things in her hair are called Anemos (short for Anemones) and i thought naming him in a small way after something he loved and an interest we shared would benice

i also did a nuzlocke a while back where i had some special rulings to do with naming all my encounters after my friends from the friend group me and riku were in - the pokemon everyone got assigned were random and decided by spinning a wheel, and riku ended up being my flygon that came to the E4 and everything

i wasn't planning on ribbon mastering any pokemon from that playthrough, but now i really want to RM this flygon specifically. transfer him up and take him with me yknow

riku was not a pokemon fan in particular, but it was something we shared/bonded over - he used to ping me whenever he saw art of any kamitsubaki character with pokemon, and he went out of his way to celebrate that interest with me, even thru our language barrier

his favorite musician of all time was Kanzaki Iori, and some months ago he put out a call for fans to send him pictures he could use in the youtube videos for some cover songs he was doing. riku submitted photos, and on two occasions his photos were actually included - we didn't share pictures of ourselves or our real life often, so these were some of his rare photos of his real life presence

i can't stop listening to these. i cannot imagine how many times he listened to them himself. he was so happy about his photos being in these videos

i'll make a more proper memorial post at a later time (i want to draw something dedicated to him) but i just sort of wanted to ramble about this to get some thoughts out of my head in a public space. riku didn't have a ton of people in his IRL life and we were just friends over the internet but i want him to be remembered and i want my feelings today to be saved somewhere. eventually it'll get easier but for now it's still really raw

#kiki was here #kiki.txt #death tw

[etherealmach1ne]

- Intro Post ⋆｡°✩

| Hello! My name is Max/Bee/Star or V1 and i am 19. This is primarily my otherkin/personal blog, however ill probably post whatever. ^^

i'm an artist and occasional animator, i also do livestreams every so often. i love drawing robots or fanart of things i like, i also draw furries. I am autistic, adhd and likely (quiet) bpd.

i am agender, my pronouns are they/he/it/bot. i do not mind most gendered terms (although i tend to prefer the masc ones, there is exceptions) so you can use he or "look at the little guy!" the way you would if you saw a little robot wearing a fancy hat. Im also Greysexual and Queer.

My Kins/Kintypes (will go more in depth another time)

Robotkin/Machinekin - Nonspecific, i feel this with anything that could be referred to as a machine, electronic or mechanical. Although with robots im most attached to ones with non-humanoid faces. This was the first kin-thing i discovered about myself!

Angelkin - i believe this is also nonspecific, but im most drawn to multiple winged ones, the statues of angels, or depictions of them being abstract like beings of pure light.

Fictionkin - v Here is a list of my fictional character kins v

Starscream (Transformers) - My highest(and most intense) kin, mainly G1 starscream or similar versions (earthspark and some comics). He is incredibly important to me. Skyfire also plays an important comfort role to me because of this kin, I do ship them so i am incredibly attached to them both.

Bumblebee (Transformers) - Much less intense of a kin, i mainly kin G1 or the bumblebee movie version (or similar ones in some comics once again)

V1 (ULTRAKILL) - Realised this kin at the same time i realised i was robotkin! Was also a very intense kin, however its calmed down as im hyperfixated on starscream/transformers at the moment.

Questioning/not sure

Starkin - This may link with Angelkin, as i do see stars and angels as connected/appearing similar.. not sure.

Birdkin - Same thing, i do very much relate with having wings. some of their behaviours i also feel attached to, but im unsure if its just because i associate them with other kins..

Deerkin - Ive had certain shifts that seem to align with deer, ive always been quite drawn to them.

Foxkin - i connect a lot with the way foxes act and used to identify with them a lot in my early teen years, some shifts ive had could also align with them.

Interests (some, at least..)

Transformers (current special interest) | Robots/anything mechanical (also special interest)

Space/Sci-fi | Character analysis (or overanalysing..) | Art/Animation (of course)

(Any kind of) Science ( i am not smart enough to understand it fully but im autistic enough to find it exciting regardless /hj)

Video games in general (ULTRAKILL, Undertale/Deltarune, Fnaf, Splatoon, Portal, to name a few) | Phasmophobia/Lethal Company/Among us

Clowns/Jesters | Markiplier (his videos and his projects) | Good omens

Other

With fictional kins i do tend to feel discomfort with doubles (people who share the same kin) however you can still interact, i do try to look past the discomfort.

DNI if youre a weirdo (proship, homophobe/transphobe, racist, ect.)

i'll likely never post anything entirely nsfw here, but im not sure about suggestive stuff,. it will be tagged if i do, so if you dont want to see that it should be easily filtered out! i'll likely leave it all below a "read more" anyway just to be safe.

Dont be shy to interact! whether its to ask questions or anythin!

#intro post #blog intro #transformers #otherkin #fictionkin #starscream #ultrakill #machinekin #robotkin #angelkin #about me #looking for mutuals #looking for friends

[remembering-angels]

I have something to confess about my spirituality and reincarnation journey…

hello,i took some time off to think about everything, but now I am back, I feel like I have to share things, things that been sitting heavy on my heart for a very long time. when I first started this blog last summer I promised myself that id be open and talk about whatever I want regardless of what people say, but I chickened out. I couldn't, I always worried about what people would say, would they call me crazy? delusional? disrespectful? but ive also been told that keeping secrets isn't healthy, that keeping secrets is bad for my heart, and maybe they are right, If I cant even speak openly on my own blog where can I? I've been advised to share …

I hope whoever is reading this will keep an open mind.

well here it goes, my spirituality and past life.

some people that follow me might already know about my soul origin of an earth angel and me being part of the angelkin community which i am still very much part of so shout out to you, i promise do be more active in that space in the future, i might write a post about it after this one.

but that's funny enough not the life that i am worried about sharing with you today. the life i am worried about sharing with you is one of the many reincarnations I've head on this earth, especially this recent one, the reincarnation i had before this life.

so… back in 2022 i did past life regression, past life regression is basically when you use hypnosis to access a previous life you've had. the thing is that what i saw in that regression session would turn my world upside down and burden me with a terrible secret. you see i saw myself getting murdered, attacked by a man you might have heard of, my past life killer's name is Theodore Robert Bundy or Ted Bundy in short. i have never been so sure of anything in my entire life ever. and i wish , i wish i could tell you that i am trolling or insane or something ,and i wish i could say i am doing this for fame and attention, but i have nightmares monthly, i feel this sinking feeling in my stomach almost daily. I wish i could say i am doing this to ride off his fame and name ,but if i could choose not to associate my name with his ,i would but alas i am here tying my name to his in a twisted horrible way.

Im writing this from the need of every victim and survivor to share their story, to be heard, to raise my voice above his, i have to share this to not be hostage to him, to his secrets and lies and every second im silent i feel hostage. And of course i am writing this out of an incredible feeling of loneliness, i dont fit in any world, if i share my story with people in the true crime community they would call me insane or disrespectful, just another woman claiming to know him, there are plenty of those, i wish there was a way for me to explain the constant state of trauma and fear i lived in when i first discovered this past life of mine, the tears I've cried for days on end and still cry even writing this. i wish i could tell you how strongly i feel it in my bones.

yes i am a reincarnation of one of ted bundy's victims and i know i might end up in a sort of cringe compilation or as a screenshot in a group chat on some discord server full of people calling me delusional (if so ,hi people reading this as a screenshot haha).

i am not trying to claim anyone's story or speak above any survivor or victim, i am just trying to add my own voice to the million other brave voices that deserve a platform just as much. i swear to you if i could choose a past life it wont be this one.

he killed me in 1974, its 2024 now and i still remember as if it happened today. I have mututals that are true crime blogs, i love them a lot, and i love the other girls and survivors , so so much,i care for them and ill never dare to disrespect them, but i cant help this ache in my chest. i wish you knew how sincere i am , i wish you know how sure i am of what happened to me and who did this to me.

This might be my own way of reaching out for understanding and help . I already shared my story plenty of times on reddit but tumblr is more close and dear to me so i wanted to bring this here before you.

if you are still reading and believe me ,i hope you know i am healing and i am alright and ill live regardless of what happened and who believes me. ill live the life that was taken from me all those years ago, there is no other way for me, this incarnation is my biggest revenge, my ability to write this to you and to share this with you is my biggest victory.

so this is what i am going to do from now on ,on my blog and everywhere else, ill be posting about my experiences openly and honestly, no more vague posts, no more secrets, no more worries , no more trying to be sneaky about it. ill post about my experiences both in the angelkin space and the reincarnation/spiritual space openly because that's what i feel is best for me.

be healthy whoever is reading

love and hope

J

#past life regression #spirituality

[ilovejoyjessie]

Hidden Figures #1 (Wake by Richard Serra) || IV.

I started to accept the possibility that I didn't quite fit any group mold here as a transplant because those molds weren't large enough to accommodate all of me. I've always been difficult to be exactly boxed, easily sorted or slid between figures around me. In my art, in my beliefs and my day to day life...I have complex turns and curves to me and make shapes of many kinds. I am part some things and other parts another, a custom make. Aren't we all? Even so, my not-easily-sorted ways had never seemed to be a barrier to fully connecting with others - until I moved here.

.

In the spaces I'd found myself in, in other cities I'd lived, you and who you were mattered more than the group identity you shared with others. You had common connections and origin stories, but at some point your views and experiences splintered off - but rarely did that change the dynamic of your group or the volume of your voice within it. It wasn't assumed you'd be exactly like the people in whatever group you found yourself in.

.

I was used to the acceptance of newcomers and nuance to a group: Clashing shapes on a canvas, the rowdy, passionate dissonance that came from discourse and teasing jokes among its members - and the understanding that, even with their apparent differences, no one belonged to the scenery any less. There was freedom to be one's full self. No shrinking for fitting. They saw your curves and angles and made room for them, creating a mosaic of people whose ideas and beliefs were brought together by common community.

.

But here in Seattle, it seemed the groups I found myself in and around thrived off their choruses of "Me too", "I feel the same way", of "We all know...", and "I think we can all say that..."s. But with all their scripts for their language, culture, interests, values, and etiquette there seemed to be no script for responses of, "I feel differently", "That's not what I think" or "That working for you doesn't mean it works for me". It felt like if I was out of step with the rest of the group, I was the one making the wrong curve; when my different arcs and waves, my different experiences, beliefs and existences appeared, an air of defensiveness entered the room or a quick silence hung in the air after they noticed me shifting. No probing, no pondering, no jokes or pokes. Just a return to the forms the group's always known, back to the angles by which the group abides.

.

I've seen and appreciated the ways in which the Seattle area prides itself on its tight-knit communities. But as a perpetual outsider, I've also seen how its groups seem to sing their choruses so loudly it's easy for them to tune out voices of difference - to not recognize a different note being sung. Either newcomers know the chorus or they just don't sing along - otherwise, when they sing a different verse, everyone seems to notice.

.

I've lived on both sides of the lines I've seen these groups draw in the sand. I've lived on both sides of a lot of lines. But it's been so long since I've felt I had to "fit in", slide cleanly into a mold, to make meaningful connections instead of feeling I was accepted the way I wholly am, curves fitting in or not. Would it really benefit me to start doing that now? Reduce myself to just one of my many aspects? Temper my complexities and angles just to fit the Seattle spaces I've found myself in?

.

I could give into the tight-knit sameness around me, do my best to mimic the shapes and movements and people around me...or I could break free of the idea that the only way to succeed in the landscape I found myself in was to fit neatly into it.

#portrait photography #art in public #fitting in #sculpture garden #wanderlust #seattle art #standing out #seattle #sculpture art #love your curves #use your voice #break the mold #lines and shapes #figure drawing #storytelling art #be different #cathartic art #concept art #art project #self discovery

[traumatizedjaguar]

Hi I love your blog, a lot. Still processing some horrific things of my own. How do you get through the darkest moments? I hate mine.

Honestly for me how I got through some dark moments...

Music. Usually a technique I learned from therapy was putting music on that was the opposite of my current emotion; if I was sad or depressed or whatever I'd put happy tunes on or if I was angry, calming tunes. Sometimes finding music that allowed me to let out emotions too like if I was angry I'd listen to a few angry songs from Slipknot for example and have a little session to myself, then I'd go relax. Music affects my mood, but it's not like that for everyone. I made a playlist for "abuse recovery" meaning the songs are more uplifting, makes me feel like a warrior.

Survivors stories. Listening to others stories of their complex abuse they've been through and saving them all in a word document to go back to later. Finding people I relate to who've been through the EXACT same abuse I have been through. It helps finding out you're not the only scapegoat or you're not the only one with many abusers and rapists. It helps to know I've met people with 15, 16, 18, and 25 abusers before.

Meditation. It sounds stupid to most people but if you research the affects meditation has on the human body and brain when you use it daily or on a consistent schedule in the long-term, it's amazing to know what it does for you. It's hard at first, but eventually you get used to it. And sometimes I have a focus point when meditating, such as listening to my breathing going in and out in a quiet space so my thoughts don't drift; because drifting thoughts or worrying isn't meditating so like I said, it's hard at first. But your mind gets so used to it after awhile.

Changing my environment. I've rearranged my whole room, put posters up, painted it so it feels like I'm in a different house sometimes. Adding something new and different to your life like a hobby or something you've never tried and do it often, it can be a good distraction. I like using distractions often.

(TW: God mention. Skip this paragraph if needed be. This one might just be me) Putting my faith in God Our Creator and having had many communications with him before. Sharing my space with him, inviting him on walks with me, telling him about my day although he sees everything I do, and asking him about his "day". I got into talking to Norse gods and the Creator and it has helped so much knowing a divine entity who created everything in the universe wants me to be safe and heal and actually told me this in many ways; who tells me he loves me and knows I'm a very loved good soul in his eyes. (I try but never feel that way).

Doing the scary thing and reaching out. I have reached out to people and told them my story and told them about my abusers and they've believed me. Focusing only on the ones who believed me even though my story is insanity with abusive parents, abusive brother and abusive exes who all smear campaigned me and many of them raped me too. No matter how much complex abuse, there was people out there and other victims who took my side. I only focus on the good ones, not the bad ones who don't believe me. Because once I shut out EVERYONE except the good ones, then my world only has love in it.

>>Making word documents for healing. I learned I was in a freeze state recently and I've been teaching myself about it through online trauma therapists (I'm so happy to be living in the digital age) and I've learned about it and I'm doing the work necessary everyday to teach my brain different and rewire it. It's also why I shut down around abusers and can barely speak even when I want to.

>>Trauma therapists: Crappy Childhood Fairy, Patrick Teahan to name a few. Patrick Teahan helped me so much specifying types of sibling abuse that were SO SPECIFIC to what ive been through and scapegoating in family systems, he taught me about how some family systems gang up against one family member (so like 6 family members for example, against one of the kids in order to scapegoat properly there's many abusers in most situations) and how im not the only one with many abusers in one family and im not the only scapegoat. He also made videos that were WAYYYY to specific to the abuse I endured and wayyyy to specific to the behaviors and belief system my abusers held. He has so many great videos for people like me. First time I listened to a few of his videos on family abuse, I was overwhelmed with emotion and joy and it made my heart and stomach flutter. I love Patrick Teahan so much and hes a real therapist too.

Make stuff, build stuff, start projects.

#my text #asks #cptsdhealing #cptsd recovery #ptsd recovery #childhood trauma #trauma therapists #trauma specialists

[sexisdisgusting]

ALSO SORRY FOR SO MANY ASKS DJHDFJHDJHD

but do you or any other radblr lesbian girlies have advice for dealing with a "conventionally attractive" body aka an oversexualized body? big ass, big tits, small waist. I hate how i was groomed into believing that coping with sex was okay. i hate how i tried "being more feminine". like i can never get that money back and i can never take back the times ive let those men use me. it sucks. what sucks even more was that ofc it was other women, the handmaidens, who were the main ones to perpetuate that agenda. Because if men were like "yeah its okay to wanna be raped again <3 and getting with men to play out past trauma" then everyone would know their intentions. but no, it was seeing all the women be like "omg this helped me a lot <333 !! and im so much more happy now!!". showing off their age regression stuff. god i hate it. Without those women, there wouldnt have been anything to begin with. I wish more women saw through that BS.

also, to cope with gender dysphoria (like actual gender dysphoria) all ive been doing is just objectifying myself. since my body is very "feminine". its the fucking Porn Artist stereotype. I hate it. I feel like a walking object. I feel like its why I wanted to be a boy, like i wish I had no tits and no ass. because then i wouldnt be sexualized. Buying clothes to "hide" my body doesnt help because then i feel bulky/stuffy and overwhelmed. I hate how i use my body for social validation since because my face is deformed, its all I basically have.

lol im kinda glad though that I struggle with this in a way.... because it made me detrans. Especially seeing as i didnt even feel accepted as trans since I was a transmed. And then seeing these "omg trans healthcare saves lives, tho!!" people go about supporting literal AGPs truly peaked me. When my one ex friend group all trooned out at once, all the men being AGP anime / porn obsessed freaks who previously made fun of my trauma and victim mentality (despite me literally being marginalized) .... now theyre all pretending to be oppressed despite being white men from upper middle class families. Like damn, I AM NOT being in that community then. If that gets accepted? Yet me and my gender dysphoria diagnosis at a young age wasnt? Then nah. Its all nonsense.

i wish lesbian spaces werent taken over bc all this shit be isolating. Like im so sick of sex and porn and all that, i want LOVE goddamnit. Love and friendship. I am so burnt out, dude.

HIIIII MY LOVE, thank you so much for your ask

ugh i can feel first hand how tired you are with this shit in your wording, and i can relate, its really fucking draining

reading about your journey was really interesting, thank you for sharing it with me, im so happy you feel im a safe space for you because thats what i aspire to be <3

ALSO u dont have to apologize for sending a lot of asks, i love it

i feel for you, mootina

its hard to truly love your body and accept it as yours especially when you see pornsick idiots fetishize it

i read recently about the concept of body neutrality, and its where instead of praising, or hating your body, you simply thank it for doing all it does for you, i think perhaps looking into that will help you feel more in tune with yourself, and your body

also, of course this goes without saying, but feminist literature can help you, and also researching the female anatomy

in my struggles with my body, learning more about the capabilities of it helped me a lot with how i felt regarding it, and made it easier to tune out the fuckery of whatever anyone else has to say about it

i love you so much, ill leave the floor open for anyone else who has advice for you

thank you again for entrusting me with this <3

#asks #group questions

[internet-overdosed]

What's the point of living? like, genuinely. All i do is wake up, dread the day, power through the day, and then go home and go to sleep.

There's not much to it, I'm not smart, i never study even though i want to, and when i do get the motivation to study i never actually remember anything. I'm a below average student, no one in my family would be proud of that.

I have classmates who consider themselves my friends but honestly i feel no connection towards them. People online are a similar story, i do care about them though. Sometimes i love someone so much it flips a switch in my brain and i start hating them or i start being so scared of them that i cry whenever i even see their name.

I have no one, and no one has me. I'm in a constant cycle of loneliness but its no ones fault other than my own.

I don't have talents, i suck at everything. And even in the things i have skill in, its never enough, im always worse than the people around me. Art, music, dance, everything.

I'm ugly, im overweight, im just a fly that happened to land on an incomplete masterpiece. a fly that dies from being trapped in the drying paint.

I have a terrible personality, a personality i steal from the people around me. And right now ive stolen it from someone who didnt care for me or my friends and deeply hurt them.

I've hurt so many people. People who loved and cared for me. I've abandoned so many people. I myself am scared of abandonment, which is why i leave people first. Which is something i didnt even notice about myself until my best friend (who i later abandoned) pointed it out.

When i try to make friends or talk to people i always mess it up and say the wrong thing, they always end up hating me or thinking i hate them and i just dont know what to do anymore.

I'm always sad and lonely and i just wanna die. I don't even deserve to feel that way cause ive had a pretty good life.

My mom tried her best, she had a fucked up life and turned into a fucked up person. She tries her best though. She deserves better than some rat child who hates her because her best just wasnt enough apparently. sure, i live in a room where theres no space cause theres trash everywhere, i have to share a bed with my mom, but thats nothing compared to everyone elses issues.

My life doesnt matter, its just a cycle of pain i put myself through.

I just want one person i can love and who loves me back, thats all. Thats all i want before i end my miserable little life.

#i originally planned to end it on march 5th 2027 but i believe it may be sooner than that #i cant do it anymore #i cant #i really cant #🎀 ame types 💉

[my-castles-crumbling]

dancer anon here

reason for wanting to stay connected to being a girl: i feel good when i present feminine sometimes, I don't know why, while i dont feel like a girl or connected to that at all, i enjoy feeling pretty, and that kinda fuels the "cant not be partially a girl" because i like my feminine attributes (such as my breasts and eyelashes (i really like my eyelashes, they make me feel pretty)) but i tend to like my feminine attributes more when im alone and only /i/ can see myself and think "damn. im pretty today."

ballroom q: i tend to do more follower than leader now but i get to dance with my favorite dance teacher someitmes and shes really nice :D my favorite dance is paso doble (i do more latin ballroom than standard lol, but i do enjoy waltz the most out of standard dances lol (its the first dance i did with leader steps :DD)

correct pronouns: ik that its not really making a big deal to ask, but since im not out to many poeple outside of my friend group. i also dont want to correct my friends because im afraid it will reach someone outside of the group and theyre going to question it because in my school the majority of the students aren't really,,,, allies ig

neopronouns: have considered, didnt fit, so they/them is my go to because it is the one i feel the most comfortable with

confronting my friend: i do sometimes feel like confronting them about it, but its kinda scary because i hate confrontation because of the toxic friend i mentioned, so i dont think im gonna do anything about it (for now maybe?)

trauma: i am 97% sure i dont have any trauma relating to masculine people? however, my memory /is/ actually trash, so i could have just forgotten. the most likely thing that caused the fear would probably be the dance teacher with cold hands, because i hated his classes because they made me feel like dance is an obligation and i have to do everything /correctly/ even though i signed up because i enjoy dance. i also had to dance with him and his hands were cold and i dont like physical touch if im not initiating it (which is kinda why i dont dance with anyone anymore - a combination of physical touch, sweaty hands, and the close proximity. im even scared to dance with the little children i sometimes help dance with, because i dont know if they feel comfortable with physical touch which makes me feel icky)

also its not really something happened to me, its fear of something that /could/ happen (SA, etc)

also i still see that dance teacher around at the studio sometimes. he still scares me, but less? and when i talk to him sometimes, my brain tries to tell me im overexaggerating how much i dislike him, which i may be doing, but he /did/ ruin one of my favorite dances for me, so...

agender label: i do feel comfortable with the agender label, i believe, but ive never really met anyone else using it so i think i ust want to know ppl who also use it

you are also a wonderful human!!!

on another note, i am genuinely in tears thank you, you are so kind <3

Hello again!

So, there's four things I wanna address here:

With the pronouns/friends: Yes, it sounds like it might be a good idea to think more about the pros/cons of this. I still completely think that you deserve the respect of being gendered correctly, but if it's not safe for you to be pushing this,(secrets being shared, an unsupportive space, etc) then it might be a good idea to step back until it is safe to bring it up again. Remember though that you deserve to be supported and loved unconditionally and using your correct pronouns is something that should not be a burden to anyone.

Being agender: Have you considered finding people on here who identify similarly? It could be cool and validating to find a community of people who feel the same way. I know for me it was super exciting to find other nonbinary/genderfluid people.

Being touched: Okay, that makes sense. I definitely get not liking to be touched by people, especially people who give weird sensory input.

Ballroom: Oh, damn Paso Doble? I only know the very basics but it's SO different and cool! Respect <3

Lots of love!

#ask #asks #ask cas

[enbesbians]

Hi fern!! I just wanted to let u know how much I love ur acc and ur writing and especially how u always respond to our messages as much as you can 🩷🩷

I’ve been feeling really really icky lately ab myself and my body, like a wave of shame that I’m plus sized and blah blah, and honestly I feel like you’ve become a bit of a safe space for me, and as a sapphic girl the way you talk ab loving and thinking that every girl is just sososo beautiful always makes me feel a bit better ab myself (and honestly a little giddy inside because the way you present yourself is really attractiveeee)

I love when you reply to questions and share little tidbits about yourself because you’re actually such an interesting (in a good way!!!) person, and I lovelovelove your writing sm - never feel like it’s not good enough because no matter what you’ve written I guarantee it’s gonna be a BANGER 🗣️🗣️

ily and take care of yourself <3

thank you for this message. i know how hard it is for anyone when it comes to the perception of themselves and how they think others may see them. women are often told to look a certain way, do certain things and certain things would dictate their feminine attributes (like body hair, the size of their hands, breasts of how they might have something like bigger calves maybe a smaller ass…) even with women who’re more in tune with their masculinity, there’s always some bullshit spewed to make them second guess their true beauty.

we often try to minimize the impact we have and the natural beauty we hold within as well as without. we think if we were to be taller or shorter or wear a smaller size in jeans we’d be better than what we are in the present. i want everyone to know the person you are and all the eras that led up to the current is authentically you. you’re allowed to feel pretty no matter where you are in terms of your image and personality— that’s what makes you, you. if you so happen do want to change yourself, it should be for the better, have healthy alternatives to reach that goal and your reasonings shouldn’t be to be perceived in societies ideals of what it might be. if you want to be a pink, girly girl who likes to wear mary jane shoes and bows, you can do that even if you could be 6ft and if you want to be this strong masculine person, that’s fine, be a little pocket masc, you can still be that too.

being on the more chubbier side shouldn’t make you feel any less attractive than you deserve to be. you may feel weary about being naked or even wearing clothes… you might feel closed in and like all eyes are just glaring at every curve like it’s disgusting but it’s not. it’s beautiful. we’re all molded in different ways, the way our body forms are created in different shapes (like how abby has more of a boxy frame— her body is straight, not much of any curve, going down and honestly i think that body type is so goddamn cute. id dina having more of a pear shape and her bottom half is slightly ‘heavy’. what about if your shoulders are more broad, possibly your feet are a bit bigger than what your height may align with, it’s fine. it’s all so gorgeous and it shows unique how woman can be made and how it creates character and depth to the person that they are).

i like to share little things about me because there’s a lot of misconceptions that im this overly confident sex machine that has everything going good for them when that’s not the case… i had lots of trauma from my image where i couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror at age 5 and didn’t even acknowledge my own existence in a positive way. when i was 18, i took the time to ask myself why i hated myself so much and most of it was illogical nit picking of what i found gross… i figured that i wasted most of my life being so hateful to myself that i didn’t allow myself to feel good… to love myself, let me feel life the way it should feel for everyone. i don’t wish that on anyone because still i find it hard to accept the body i was born into but ive come a long way to feel more confident and sexy in myself yet i still need work on loving myself. i do hope the same for you too.

#fern talks🍃 #lesbian #sapphic #wlw