#like i've always done

[breadsticc]

Me

You've masked your entire life, and you never knew.

The pieces must be put back together, but they're bent and broken from forcing them to fit. You don't know what the puzzle is supposed to look like when it's finished, but I'm sure it'll look fine... right?

It's a bit of a vague drawing, but the point is that I've struggled with ADHD my entire life, but only found out in the past year or so. I've grown up thinking that everyone put on a face, that suppressing myself was normal. I conditioned myself to be the ideal daughter.

I was both the good child and the scapegoat. My father's #1 daughter until something went wrong, and I never knew what could possibly be wrong, because I didn't have any conditions or health issues. My body was perfect. I was perfect. But I knew *something* was wrong.

Now I sit here, a grown adult having to re-learn how to function. One little mistake sends me spiraling into a meltdown in public, something I could never do before. The dissociation I knew like the back of my hand when I was young, is starting to heal...

and it leaves me feeling more broken than ever.

I'm an artist, I'm a good employee, I'm a great friend, I'm comfortable with my body and my sexuality, and I'm confident in what I do.

But none of that means anything until I can find the person it means something to:

Me.

#adhd #mental health #mask #autism probably #ptsd #cptsd #previously DID #i was always a terrible child who never reached their full potential #cant tell you how many times people have cured my ADHD with a planner before #“just pay attention” - my dad #but i'll keep going #like I've always done

[gimmeacupcake]

Why does everything have to be so much all at once :)

#my stuff #I haven't felt this frustrated unproductive and unfulfilled in a whole while #man when ur health isnt all that great it sure affects every other aspect of ur life huh #too bad I'm too proud to admit that to myself #so instead I'll just try to brute-force my way through my obstacles #like I've always done #except this time I'm dangerously close to burning myself out in the process:) #guess its time to fuck around and find out:) #but srsly cmon #among all the things holding me back #a yeast infection too??? #thats too much #i can deal with an all-consuming sense of dread #but i draw the line at itchy crotch

[anaalnathrakhs]

hjgjhggjgjgh forgot i can't even go to the psych ward if there was magically room for my non urgent case. my mom's birthday is this weekend, and my aunt and grandma stay at our house for the following week. i need to be there for the birthday, and then i have to seem normal and present at normal hours. AND THEN IT'S THE HOLIDAYS.

#i don't want to be alive holy shit #i wanna say they're probs not gonna hospitalize me no matter how much i'd need it #so i can call and ask for an appointment or smth anything #but what if they actually CAN hospitalize me #i can't say no. but i can't say yes. #i guess i'll try something during the holidays #but in the meantime i'm missing everything im missing classes im missing homework im missing my exams #im supposed to be preparing my graduation exam and instead i rot at home because ''we're not a healthcare facility'' #i don't think i'm ever gonna change lmao once this phase is gone i fucking hope it'll go away it's just gonna turn into another problem #and i'll cycle through unlivable shit forever #like i've always done #i don't even know what to do. drop out maybe but i don't have the balls to. wait until they kick me out for good i think. #and then. idk. am i really cut out for the workforce lmao. school is safe and cozy and there's reasons im still there #bc everything else is scary and unpredictable and you have to earn your place there #i know im the problem. i know anything i do always leads to more problems. #yadda yadda yadda everybody deserves a place. but when i get kicked out of somewhere because i'm unbearable to deal with #i don't think im supposed to force my way in again #i don't know what to do. i know the way to get out of there is to force myself to do things. #but what does ''out of there'' even looks like? #no really. i don't think i've ever experienced an ''out of there'' #unless i try to go back to being a toddler which doesn't sound like the play here #everything i do always lead to more pain and that's fully because im a killjoy who can't handle two weeks of normal human life #what's the point #broadcasting my misery #vent

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[bizarrelittlemew]

i can't wait to be 30+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 40+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 50+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 60+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 70+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 80+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 90+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to look back on my life and know that i loved things deeply and passionately and was inspired to create and was part of communities with incredible people from all over the world brought together by the stories that touched us

#and still be mad at shithead executives for unfairly cancelling my pirate show #also imagine what my ao3 word count will be like. gonna be writing my little fics in the nursing home #sometimes when i get frustrated over my writing i have to remember that i've only been doing it for a little over a year #and not in my native language #there is still so much time and so much to learn and try and discover and explore and i am EXCITED #there is something so ancient and beautiful about humans being brought together by stories #storytelling is what humans have always done and will always do and what will always connect us #to our past to the future to each other #sorry for the 1 am ramblings #fandom #🐭📓

[siren-of-agony]

Answers to "it hurts"

I know (apologetically)

I know (condescendingly)

It's supposed to

Good

I'm sorry

It'll be over soon

Stop whining

And it'll get worse if you don't *insert threat*

Well it wouldn't have to if you didn't *insert mistake*

You're supposed to say 'thank you'

I love hearing you say that

This is nothing, I'll show you actual pain

Get used to it

You'll get used to it

Stop lying

At least you still feel it

Shut up

Why don't you beg me to stop, then?

Can't be that bad if you're still talking

I don't care

Did I ask?

It's the only way you'll learn

You can take it

Answers to "please stop"

#whump #whump dialogue prompt #whump dialogue #whump prompt #whumblr #I've had this in my drafts half done for 3 weeks but after finishing 3 prompts for whumpmas and not getting the instant gratification of #posting #i needed to throw something out there today so i would maybe get a bit of serotonin from posting #additions always welcome #also yes theres a dif between get used to it and you'll get used to it #and yes im defening me in front of myself cause every time i read it i think i accidentally have the same thing twice #but like #it's different #right?

[itsjustevil]

I love how the big bad is one of the most confused people in this whole ordeal is the big bad.

Major villains who have complete control over everything and mastermind literally the whole plot are out, and major villains who are absolutely flabbergasted by the heroes and just out of the depths in how fucked everything is going for them are in.

#to go into a little bit of a tangent #I've always been a little bit miffed when writers take mastermind villains too far #Really takes away the heroes' agency when literally everything they've done in a story #including their victories and triumphs #is all according to the villain's grand master plan #it makes everything that happened to that point feel like a waste of time more than it makes the villain seem intelligent and impressive #so Sissel's little spiraling here is very much to my liking #He's not in complete control and i love that #dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon

[atmothart]

Wouldn't lizard fashion be something like spikes and scales and a frilled lizard collar?

Like so?

(Bonus art under the cut)

#thank you anon I've been wanting to draw proper lizard fashion for a while and this gave me the motivation I needed #dracula daily #re: dracula #dracula #lizard fashion #The colours I chose here make Drac look like Harry Du Bois - which is appropriate given how I tend to depict his personality in my shitpost #bonus under the cut featuring Dracula's Weed Smorking Girlfriends #personally I really like the theory that the three vampire women are actually dracula's wife and two daughters #since the book never actually calls them his wives and the two subordinate girls are specifically described as looking similar to him #the idea that he turned his family but is no longer capable of loving them (or being loved by them) adds a whole extra layer for me #because he still goes through the motions - goes out to get them food (babies) and provide for them/fulfil the role of a patriarch #but its hollow and loveless and done out of strange obligation/habit - like an echo of being alive #BUT for the sake of comedy I will always draw them as his three weed smorking girlfriends because it's just funnier #or rather as I like to think of them - his three weed smoking EX-girlfriends who spend all day making fun of him and and freeloading #I'm going to tag any art with them in it from here on out as #the ex-wives of dracula #he's going to england to escape their ridicule

[wilsonsmcgillsweatshirt]

I will never recover from the knowledge that thymoma generally has a very high survival rate, and in most cases that it becomes fatal, the patient has unknowingly lived with the cancer for years. There's a chance that Wilson was sick for half the series and didn't even know it.

#I'm just imagining House looking back at the last few years in horror thinking about the possibility that Wilson had been sick all along #I can see it leading to him feeling like all of their memories are tainted #House definitely blames himself as well even though it was never in his control #I can't imagine how much his already extreme self-hatred was amplified #And he probably looked back at all the mistakes he made and all the fights they had and realizing that - #- while they were having all these fights that now seem so trivial that Wilson was probably sick #They wasted all that time unknowingly with Wilsons cancer slowly progressing as they argued and fought #It makes me want to cry #I'm not a doctor and I know this obviously isn't always the case but from what research I've done this seems the be the standard mostly #house md #house #greg house #james wilson #gregory house #hilson #wilson #housemd #favs #favourites

[sysig]

Two skeletons in a trench lab coat (Patreon)

Bonus:

He’s very careful! Everything was fine before you interrupted!

#Doodles #Handplates #UT #FJdlsafjdsf Handplates fuzzes my brain #I cannot tell you how weird it feels to draw Gaster with the Lost Soul head after all this time away haha #It drops me back into the person I was when I first read Handplates - for better or for worse. It's a very strange feeling #Even drawing Sans and Papyrus again sends me back! Not as strongly but certain little details stand out #Sans' eyes especially... Very strange feeling #Anyhow! Since Fellplates sent me back down the rabbit hole and I've gotten back into rereading lightly - still not a full commitment! #Maybe soon tho 👀 I feel like I always say that haha #But in the meantime thinking of the pre-Plates Handplates time period <3 Since that's the one I'm still most familiar with haha #I love when they're still growing and learning ♪ Scaffolded baby talk! Twin language! Love 'em ♥ #And fearless* mischievous little troublemakers hehe #They're so cute <3 I love the little ways they interact as young'uns - like when Papyrus will just lift Sans by his arms lol #I'd been thinking about and then had to go read the one of Sans as a the blanket/coat tickle monster and then - this ✨ #''Excuse me sir I'd like One Ticket to the R Rated movie I am an adult Monster'' lol #Probably another one of those moments where Gaster is just *nervously sweats in Dad* lol - stop being so cute! #Also there's no particular meaning to when I use WingDings for his text :P Just convenience and if I remember to lol #Comics where he talks a lot are not convenient XP I have enough trouble editing on this paper ugh I will Not miss it when it's done #Even attempted this comic in as few pencil strokes/erasing as possible and it was still a pain to work with! >:0 Rude #Doubly so that I've had a Handplates comic idea for past like - year lol - and /this/ was the first one I finished pfftbl #To be fair to the other I do want to at least attempt making it a look-alike hehe ♪ You know how it is with Ideas™ #I can't be too mad about it haha ♫ It did turn out quite cute after all :3

[marshmallowgoop]

no thoughts just Heiji Hattori (HD)

#detective conan #case closed #amv #my amvs #eye strain #heiji hattori #harley hartwell #conan edogawa #shinichi kudo #funimation english dub script #video #happy two-year anniversary to 'no thoughts just heiji hattori'! #while it's not my first amv (it's maybe my... fifth?) #it was the first one i made with davinci resolve and the amv that really got me into editing amvs for real #it's the amv that made me believe i could make amvs 🥺 #and in remastering it i deeply understood how ambitious it was! i thought i did a lot of audio mixing for 'messed up' #but that's not even close to all the audio mixing i did here--cannot believe that i did all this for my first big amv project #it took about 20 hours *just* to remaster! #which is something i've been meaning to do for a while now so i'm very happy to finally share the results! #to make this a 'remaster' and not a 'redo' the only changes i tried to make were to the source footage and audio #video now uses almost entirely hd remastered footage from my blu-rays or netflix rather than my dvds #but oh gosh was it *hard* not to touch anything else! i'd do so many things differently now #but this video will always be really special to me (and i can't believe i did it at all tbh!) #i hope seeing it in hd is fun too! i'm so blown away by all the love this vid's gotten #and that it helped increase interest in funi's old english dub is amazing and 100% what i was trying to do with it! #thank you everyone for all the support <333 i wouldn't be the video editor i am today without this vid or your encouragement for it <3333 #like the original the sources used are mostly from what funi dubbed (but mixed in hd by me!): eps 48-49 57-58 77-78 117 and 118 and movie 3 #but i also used episodes 141-142 174 189 239 263 277 291 293 345 479 491 517 and 522 #and ova 3 and tv special 6 (episode one) and movies 10 and 13 and ops 27 31 and 33 and the funi 5.2 dvd blooper for the one line lol #i'm sorry i've been so absent lately! i hope to be more active now... and there are 2 completely done amvs that i'm just waiting to post...

[upperranktwo]

♡Happy Birthday Shinazugawa Genya♡

7th January

#knyedit #kimetsu no yaiba #demon slayer #genya shinazugawa #sky gifs #usergojoana #userartless #usermoonz #tuserelena #useraki #useradrienne #my baby son I love him so much!!!! #hope this looks alright <3333 #really slacked on these posts last year but determined to do them all again this year!!!! #didn't bother with the ones from S1 because I've done them like 10 thousand times lmao #love this boy so much he is so cute and bestest boy ever #phone always makes these look so bad jssandasdsa hope they do look alright!!! #really hoping to get back into the editing game this year!!! really slacked in 2023 (thanks mento chewness) #but feeling more motivated now so !!!!!!

[starry-bi-sky]

I'm having incoherent thoughts about clone danny again from the clone/clone^2 au (when am I not?) but more specifically I'm thinking about his reaction to finding out he's a clone. The standalone clone au digs into that a little more than clone^2, which is more focused on Danny and Damian's relationship. But neither (so far) really get into Danny's issues about finding out he's a clone after 15 years of thinking he wasn't.

Because he resents his parents for not telling him for so long. He resents the way he found out; through a trivial school project rather than a sit-down talk. He resents the fact that, apparently, they had meant to tell him sooner. But forgot. He resents the fact that they never told him because finding out feels like something was stolen from him when it had the chance to not be.

Danny Fenton, just fifteen, cloned not even half a year ago, knows what that personal violation of autonomy feels like. He knows what it's like to be cloned and while he loves Ellie, he does, she's his sister, and in this au his twin. But he is still left with that feeling of unsafety after realizing he'd been cloned. Being cloned is violating. The onset realization that it's so easy to get DNA without the other party noticing, and that what was stopping someone from trying to clone him again?

Followed only after with the rest of the inexplainable mix of feelings of being cloned, the rest of that inner conflict and panic that's an ugly mocktail of emotions that range from horror to fear. Trying to imagine what it's like to be cloned from the cloned party, and I imagine that it leaves you with the feeling of needing to crawl out of your own skin with discomfort.

And then he gets put on the other side of it. Danny Fenton, only fifteen, was cloned not even half a year ago, finding out he is a clone. And reactions, I imagine, can vary from person to person. But to him, it feels like something got stolen from him, like someone took a hole puncher and stuck it right into his chest and stole a chunk of himself from him.

It changes nothing about him and yet it changes everything. It's a betrayal on it's own to just find out he was a clone and they didn't tell him for fifteen years -- it shouldn't mean anything, because he's still Danny, and yet it means everything. It's him, it's him, it's about him. It's his personhood. It's about the fact that a load-bearing rock in his identity just crumbled beneath his feet and now there's a rockslide.

Because then he finds out that they used the wrong DNA. Its like pouring salt in an open wound. He's not even related to his parents or his sister, when for years he thought he was. It's the fact that pieces of his identity that he's been so secure in for so long just got ripped away from him in an instant. Then they tell him -- only through his own horrified prompting -- that the person whose DNA they used -- Bruce Wayne -- didn't even know he existed. That they accidentally used the wrong DNA, then didn't tell the person whose DNA they used.

The betrayal of being lied to for years turns really quickly into horror at his own existence. Something very similar to the horror he felt at being cloned and the skin-crawling discomfort that made him feel like his own skin wasn't really his. And then its not. It's actually not. Nothing but his own name feels like it belongs to him anymore -- not his hair, not his eyes, not his heart or his lungs, nothing feels like his anymore and he didn't know what that felt like until it was gone.

It's a question of Nature Vs. Nurture -- where does the line of "nature" begin and where does the line of "nurture" end? What of him is actually his? What of him is Bruce Wayne's? It's not logical, it's not supposed to be. It's a load-bearing wall on the house of his identity being destroyed and now everything else is caving down in on him. What belongs to Danny, what belongs to Bruce Wayne?

#dpxdc #dp x dc #danny fenton is not the ghost king #dp x dc crossover #dpxdc crossover #dpdc #clone^2 #danny fenton is a clone #its a combination 'oh my god i've been cloned too i know how violating that feels holy fuck' empathy and also the horror of finding out tha #the things you knew about yourself that you thought were unchanging was all WRONG. #its the fact that tragedy is always one step away from comedy. they're twins for a reason. the humor of finding out you're a clone through #a silly school project and the *horror* of finding out you're a clone from a silly school project instead of a proper conversation #danny goes into his room after he's done talking to his parents and he vomits into the garbage can under his desk. utterly horrified #and he calls sam and tucker crying. it shouldn't change anything he knows this and yet it changes EVERYTHING. he doesn't feel like himself #he doesnt feel like himself any*more.* this might be cause for him to do a closet overhaul. something to make himself feel like he's #in control of himself again. piercings. temporary hair dye. *something* to feel like he's in control. #its no wonder why he never wants to tell bruce wayne he exists because he *knows* how violating that feels and he's *afraid.* #it makes him takinh in damian a little more remarkable bc it undoubtedly made #his identity issues worse. but thats a child and a child who needs help and danny is *kind*

[robo-dino-puppies]

you and Mr. Fell don't ever talk to each other-

-you never say what you're really thinking.

#good omens #good omens 2 #good omens spoilers #good omens 2 spoilers #this parallel has been eating me up #i've never made gifs before but i tried my best :') #i'm sure someone else has already done it better and prettier but i wanted to make my own #you cannot comprehend the physical and mental anguish... #...learning how to make gifs has put me through #like i've tried several times in the past and i've always given up #but nooooooooo this show #*this show* inspires me to put myself through a clothes wringer to learn #also go to jail michael sheen i hate your stupid face (affectionate) #go s2 #go s2 spoilers #i made this

[blu3b3rryj4mp1r3]

I stayed up until 6 am because my brain can't stop thinking but here are some ponies I drew 🙃

#i always start drawings that i never finish because i feel like my artstyle isn't good enough so i end up drawing a lot of these #and a lot of sketches #i usually fill 1 or 2 A4 papers with sketches for drawings or comic ideas every day then i almost never make them into actual drawings #because i tell myself i need to practice more #i don't want to be a professional artist i just draw because i think it's fun and I've always done it #i wish i could stop being so judgemental of myself and just make the things i want when i want to make them #I'm sure there are other people who have this issue too #sorry for venting but i don't know it's just so tiring 😂 #anyhow: #mlp #mlp:fim #mlp fim #my little pony #friendship is magic #pinkie pie #twilight sparkle #rarity #applejack #my art! ☆ #my pony art ☆

[fictionadventurer]

There's something about reading really great writing that's so relaxing. You can just sit back and let the words wash over you, knowing that you can trust the writer.

#random thought of the day #books #part of the reason i'm not getting writing done today was because i spent most of my free time reading from books i've let sit for too long #i haven't been able to sink into good fiction for a while #so elizabeth goudge felt like a spiritual experience #cleansing and uplifting #it always takes me a while to get into her books #there's a learning curve of a couple of chapters to adjust to the style #but once i break through it's bliss #it becomes easy as breathing #there's nothing quite like what she does #i love books that understand that goodness isn't boring or trite #you don't need to have 'darkness' and 'grit' to be complex #like one bit that took my breath away was the talk about sallie and david's marriage struggles #they're both good people who love each other #but they also have their differences because they're human and that causes struggles #not marriage-breaking struggles just nuanced life struggles #and i'm not sure i've seen something like that in a book before #it's a good marriage they married the right people but that doesn't mean life is perfect #goudge uderstands that marriage isn't happily ever after--heaven is #and a good marriage is two people partnering up to help each other reach that goal #it's so much more adult than any 'complex adult' work i've seen