#bc everything else is scary and unpredictable and you have to earn your place there

[anaalnathrakhs]

hjgjhggjgjgh forgot i can't even go to the psych ward if there was magically room for my non urgent case. my mom's birthday is this weekend, and my aunt and grandma stay at our house for the following week. i need to be there for the birthday, and then i have to seem normal and present at normal hours. AND THEN IT'S THE HOLIDAYS.

#i don't want to be alive holy shit #i wanna say they're probs not gonna hospitalize me no matter how much i'd need it #so i can call and ask for an appointment or smth anything #but what if they actually CAN hospitalize me #i can't say no. but i can't say yes. #i guess i'll try something during the holidays #but in the meantime i'm missing everything im missing classes im missing homework im missing my exams #im supposed to be preparing my graduation exam and instead i rot at home because ''we're not a healthcare facility'' #i don't think i'm ever gonna change lmao once this phase is gone i fucking hope it'll go away it's just gonna turn into another problem #and i'll cycle through unlivable shit forever #like i've always done #i don't even know what to do. drop out maybe but i don't have the balls to. wait until they kick me out for good i think. #and then. idk. am i really cut out for the workforce lmao. school is safe and cozy and there's reasons im still there #bc everything else is scary and unpredictable and you have to earn your place there #i know im the problem. i know anything i do always leads to more problems. #yadda yadda yadda everybody deserves a place. but when i get kicked out of somewhere because i'm unbearable to deal with #i don't think im supposed to force my way in again #i don't know what to do. i know the way to get out of there is to force myself to do things. #but what does ''out of there'' even looks like? #no really. i don't think i've ever experienced an ''out of there'' #unless i try to go back to being a toddler which doesn't sound like the play here #everything i do always lead to more pain and that's fully because im a killjoy who can't handle two weeks of normal human life #what's the point #broadcasting my misery #vent