#let me be a huge butch woman that would be so cool
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any genderbend headcanons you would like to share 👀????
YEAH....YEAH I DO....theyre all pretty random and non specific but if you want to hear me ramble about my girl drivers here u go
Charles: she's a non conventional fashion girlie...........she likes to dress quite femininely and and gets a lot of fashion based brand deals so she is often pairing skirts and such with her sportswear and it sometimes looks a bit silly. a lot of her fits are like...is it a fit or is she just really pretty and wearing designer lol. the skirt i drew her in is what I THINK would be her version of the quali pants, it's this knit skirt from gucci 💁♂️
Carlos: she is like two steps away from being a high bun lesbian. still keeps her FEM VIBES mostly because of family pressure. but the second she gets put in a dress its all a little . hm. youre a masc arent you.
Pierre: happy to be the paddock baddie like....she embraces it fully. she got a boob job and doesnt care if people know. constantly hints at being bisexual on instagram but will never confirm.
Esteban: the girl who had the most major glow up............and who has also had a bob her whole gd life. literally lives in a lulu jacket and yoga pants like its her uniform. she and pierre had the most toxic codependent girl friendship of all time. she's soooo so so tall and always got mad growing up because none of the boys liked her cause she was taller than them and got teased about it....still tall as fuck
Lance: my tall and beautiful wife...every few months she chops her bangs too short and everyone cries until they grow out again. she hates having hair in her eyes.... hates dresses and heels since she always sits with her legs out...gotta be comfy duh..
Fernando: milflonso............she was an it girl in her youth and then got divorced and came out as a lesbian and became an irresistible masc
George: the preppiest girl you can imagine she will never cut her hair AND she will wear a skort. extreme complex about being a tall girl.
Lewis: ultimate fashionista like she gets it....changes her hair a lot more than boy lewis....extremely in denial lesbian who dates the gayest men imaginable
Yuki: shes a hey mamas lesbian. she flirts so hard with pierre from like eye level with her huge boobs. kind of a fuckboy she swears she'll treat you rightttt come on babyyyy
Daniel: used to be such a hotgirl such a coolgirl like in her younger days she had long long hair and dressed sexy and was all about pushing this like....im a hot girl but im also so cool and just like the boys 😜 (she was overcompensating for something) but after she leaves redbull she like cuts off all her hair and slowly starts mascing the fuck out as she gets older.....now shes just straight up soft butch and everyone knows she kisses girls
Max: grew up forced to have the worst bowlcut in the world and never got to be very girly or anything so when she grew up she finally let her hair grow long and never cuts it. has barely any personal style and still cannot walk in heels tho.
Checo: arguably the one who cleans up the best like shes the one with the makeover montage everyone is so used to seeing her in red bull gear and a ponytail every damn day the second she puts on an outfit everyones like HELLO?????
Valtteri: used to be permanently in the low pony tail and attempting to dress acceptably business casual woman enough for things but after she left merc just embraced being a butch. has the same mullet as guy val. hallelujah
Guanyu: suuuuuch a fashion girl and absolutely rules instagram and weibo..........always doing photoshoots and stuff. experiments with cute hairstyles a lot, but always keeps her bangs ☝️
Alex: used to be super plain like wore big hoodies and just left her hair long and straight and hanging there until one day she got the chop+undercut going on.......now shes well aware shes everyones ideal boyfriend if he were a girlfriend.
Logan: my florida girl......my natural blonde with her little ponytail.....when she was growing up her parents definitely put her shirts like this
Lando: she is a racing driver as much as she is an influencer.............people discourse about if shes fanservicing like every 2 seconds. girl gamer and proud.
Oscar: she lives in gym clothes. nike pros or leggings every day with the most boring shirt. never does her hair or wears makeup
KMag: best mom everrrrrrr 🫶
Nico: she talks openly about how men are very intimidated by her. she is indeed kind of scary.
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It’s time for my first official ranking after seeing the interviews! Here’s to hoping I’m right about some of these (and wrong about others).
Stan Card Activated
1. Blue- I still really like her and y’all really like her and I trust the fandom with every fiber of my being so I know we are right, I can feel it. I wish she had gotten more screen time in the interview but if she’s a last-minute alternate addition, it just pushes her even further.
I think I’m gonna like you
2. Jag- He gave me really good vibes in his picture and he’s giving me good vibes in his interview too! I think he’s gonna be a really chill guy but I can also see him being a huge mastermind and doing well in the game.
3. Bowie- I like her accent and she seems cool. I feel like I’ll vibe with her and she’ll be on the right side of the house. Don’t let me down woman!
4. Felicia- She seems sweet! She reminds me of all the nice older southern ladies I’ve met since moving to South Carolina. Nice and comforting. I feel like she won’t try to make waves in the beginning but I could see her getting pissed and telling someone off and I hope we get to.
I want to like you but something’s off
5. Izzy- Like I said, the queer musician connection has me wanting to like her but her crescendo joke was so fucking bad and I fear she’s just another Kaycee. Idk tho maybe she’s the butch lesbian we all needed. I have hope for her.
6. Mecole- The politician thing is throwing me off I’m not gonna lie. Also she still reminds me of Ameerah and I could totally see her being a bitch. However, I can also see her being an awesome strategist and actually getting some work done. If she’s a girlboss I’ll take her but if she’s just gonna drag people in the mud I will not.
7. Kirsten- There wasn’t much that I got from her, but she does seem like someone who’d end up aligning with the wrong people. I feel like she’ll be the most tolerable member of the alliance we all end up hating and we’ll all be begging her to work with the other side/s the entire time. Please prove me wrong girl sdifjpef.
Mid
8. Matt- I do really like the deaf representation, but he seems boring af. Not someone I can see myself caring about. Sorry.
9. Cameron- I could see myself potentially hating this guy, but he seems unproblematic to me as of now. I could see him woking with annoying people but also being kind of a floater. He’s practically TBD lol.
I don’t know yet
10. Jared- Apparently his mom is a Survivor legend? I haven’t seen Survivor so I would have no idea of knowing how good this guy could be, but family doesn’t mean shit sometimes. I can’t read this guy yet so I’m still wary. I just don’t want another Monte y’all.
11. Hisam- After watching the interview I have definitely changed my opinion about him, but I’m still wary. He seems like he could be another Michael maybe? I could also see him becoming irrelevant or being part of the annoying big alliance. Idk I can’t tell I think I’m going crazy.
Can’t stand your ass already
12. Red- I just know he’s going to be annoying. Is he going to be Frenchie? Cliff? Idk, but I don’t care for him either way. Out.
13. Reilly- She’s going to be in the stupid popular alliance and is gonna get into some stupid showmance and rat on the other girls. Useless!!!! Next.
14. America- I literally can’t stand her voice or her personality already. She reminds me of Alyssa from last season so much it hurts. She’s gonna get into a dumb showmance, be a bitch to everyone, start every rumor and bully train, etc. I just know it.
15. Luke- Nah this guy is literally just Kyle. I’m waiting for it.
16. Cory- I don’t give a fuck that his brother was on Survivor; I couldn’t stand looking at him or watching him talk. Literally didn’t hear a single word he said because I was so appalled by what I was seeing. How is someone just built like that. I’m sorry ksdjfposdjgdfg I know he can’t control these things but I have a feeling I will be proven right. Cory, make me feel guilty about this please.
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IF ONLY fire emblem awakening had masculine haircuts for female robin. then i would be able to mess with Brady. this sucks
#at that rate they should have just let you be gay but also#i do LIKE playing as women but i keep not being able to exactly because theres a disconnect#wherever you go you find the cultural assumption that women are feminine and it sucks sooo much#let me be a huge butch woman that would be so cool#i love playing as a dude dont get me wrong. self actualization right there#but it would he so cool to be a masc woman too!!!! UGH#fates has a short cut option. which is cool but idkk its a pixie cut#you should be able to have the same haircut options across the board regardless of gender. thats how u do it#POKEMON TOO!!!!! i wanted to be the girl on moon and y but the options are so limited#playing as the boy is always safe for me but its kinda boring.... u know
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ok how would girls au work because i feel like to keep true with the theme of toxic gender roles them being cool and butch feels very at odds with that when like the girl version of that would be like christian girl with an instagram talking about country life and her future husband like it would be an interesting combo for them because john would be like ur an inherent failure for being a girl but also the expectations are lower already for them compared to john and sons
yeah it’s like weird! but i think about it a lot. i made a big fun post with it here.
basically my ideas are a combination of serious (dean) interesting (sam) and self-indulgent (cas).
like first of all i think sam is an out lesbian and i think she came out during the fight before stanford. like, i think she told dean when she was like fifteen, but she told john the night she left. she spat it in his face, actually.
i think dean is like. dean loves her unconditionally but is also lightly homophobic to her about it, you know? they were accustomed to sharing motel room beds as kids but dean won’t do it anymore now that she knows sam likes girls. dean is also like, weird to her about her interactions with other women, and also talks constantly about men, as though men-liking were a cool exclusive club only dean is invited to.
i think sam has like butt length straight hair and doesn’t wear any makeup ever but doesn’t like. wear mens clothes or anything, like she wears plain clothes that are cut for women. on hunts she puts her hair in a braid. maybe she braids a spiked strap into it like beka cooper.
dean is like........ dean is a lot like young, pre-john mary i think. think the song remains the same. dean is obsessed with performing masculinity, while at the same time terrified of seeming mannish or queer. she walks a weird line, and ends up overperforming both masculinity and femininity. she regularly challenges dudes twice her size to arm wrestling contests in bars, but she never goes out of the motel room without a full face of makeup. like she’s obsessed with doing both. masculinity for respect, and femininity for conformity. you know that thing dean does with his voice? the harshening? the intentionally adopted accent and tough guy tones? she does that too. and her voice is raspy, like rachel miner’s. she’s just as invested in her “heterosexuality” as canon dean.
she wears dean’s same green army jacket but underneath it she ties up a flannel shirt so it bares her midriff. she wears her hair like s13 mary, except that sometimes she puts it in little pigtails.
cas is the easiest because cas’ gender presentation doesn’t matter at all except in how OTHER PEOPLE relate to her, so it’s less a question of “how would cas do woman?” and more a question of “what would it be fun to see other people/dean specifically react to?”
so basically like. jimmy novak is a frumpy feminine christian mom. still wears the trench coat and probably a suit but when i say suit i mean blazer, pencil skirt, tights, blouse (or maaaybe a button down), low-ish heels. long hair in bouncy curls (think rowena’s hair but no bangs and black). actually jimmy novak probably pinned her hair up in a slight updo.
anyway i’ve decided that i refuse to try and remember what actually happened with cas falling in like, canon, like how close he got to human. this au’s cas gets close enough to human that she has to start like. showering. anyway she can’t take care of the hair so it gets tangled in a giant rat’s nest and dean gives her a bathroom chop. she has to borrow the winchester sisters’ clothes, because she has to start changing clothes but also because she can’t fucking walk in jimmy’s heels or in that confining skirt without the assistance of her grace.
all the winchesters’ clothes look baggy on her because she’s kind of spindly and narrow and flat as a board. like dean and sam have big shoulders, big hips, and big breasts, and cas has zero out of three, so anything she wears looks like a smock. she keeps wearing the coat over whatever they give her. she’s tallish (five feet eight or nine inches?) but dean is taller and sam is freakishly tall. cas could probably pass for a man alone but when she’s with dean or sam it’s obvious she’s a woman just because of the heights.
when she returns to angelhood at the end of season five, she’s wearing jimmy’s white office button down, but no bra underneath because the only reasons she would need one would be to either make her boobs look bigger or to hide her nipples and cas isn’t interested in either of those things and bras are uncomfortable, no blazer on top, a set of cargo pants that look feminine and form fitting on dean because dean is in possession of an ass and hips, but baggy and dykey on cas because she is not, combat boots (also dean’s), and the coat, and her hair is just like canon cas’ hair but way choppier because dean cut it for her.
anyway, dean treats cas in a WILD way, like. they do some intricate rituals in season four? they are dean winchester and castiel, after all. but after cas butches up in season five and then stays that way dean pushes it into overdrive. “i wish you were a boy so i could date you” shit. dean lets cas put a hand on the small of her back. she jokes that cas is her boyfriend. when cas sleeps, they sleep in the same bed, “since you can’t possibly share with sam, she’s a dyke.” also she called cas cassie a lot when cas looked more feminine but switches exclusively to cas when cas looks more masculine. like it’s this whole “”””straight”””” girl intricate ritual where one is attracted to a masculine woman so one coercively masculinizes her further.
sam tries to check in with cas to see if cas is cool with this forcible masculinization and weird gender relationship, because sam is gay and Understands or at least thinks she does. she also catches wind that cas is here to smash a lot sooner than in canon. but anyway cas rebuffs her because cas hates sam.
tangent, but one of my least favorite things that happens in mid spn, starting i think in s6, is that they start needing plausible deniability for cas, so they start pretending him and sam are like, friends. like 6.20 “i did it to protect the boys. or to protect myself. i don’t know anymore.” like there’s all this emotional stuff where cas is clearly talking about his emotional connection to dean, but sam gets included in order to make it seem SLIGHTLY less gay. and that’s annoying because of the no-homo-ness but it’s actually more annoying because 1) i liked s5 cas’ bitchiness towards sam i think that killed and 2) if sam and cas are gonna be friends after cas was a bitch and called sam an abomination and shit, develop it! develop it! don’t just Say that they are.
anyway it’s my au and i say what happens so the plausible deniability “both the brothers are important to me” shit does NOT happen and cas is a bitch to sam throughout s5&6. they do eventually bond later? like cas still takes sam’s hell trauma, and sam feels like she owes her for that (even though it was CAS’ FAULT IN THE FIRST PLACE but sam is batshit like that). so that’s what kind of gets them to eventually bond a little and become friends and comrades.
also sam clocks cas as gay. obviously. sam tries to inform cas about being gay. because sam too is gay. it only kind of sticks. cas doesn’t really understand how human societal roles work. cas has HUGE angel autism and i support her.
also as long as we’re talking about five and six, why don’t we deal with male lisa. so obviously the kid thing doesn’t work. the thing that lisa does that makes dean like :o is not “have a kid that might be dean’s” but “tell dean he was going to propose.” this implies that they were dating in the past longer than canon dean and lisa but oh well.
however, when dean gets pulled back into hunting, she’s six weeks pregnant by lisa and doesn’t know it. cas immediately tells her, and offers to give her an angelic abortion. she accepts without hesitating and cas does it. the fact that this - cas taking ownership of dean’s reproductive organs in a somewhat invasive way, even if it was wanted - contributes to their whole.... season six..... dynamic. dean never tells lisa about this.
that’s everything i can think of. i have work in four hours.
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(PowerRuff Part 6) [ fire never hurt nobody ]
Today Mojo and Blaze are at the villain Hideout estate whatever you want to call it and Mojo had no choice but to hire a babysitter he usually doesn't do that but lately he has not trusted the boys to be home alone so he hired this nice babysitter lady the boys just get really bored with her though
Boomer) oh guys isn't my bunny so cute
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Butch) yes she is and didn't you say you found her outside
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Bommer) yep
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Brick) ................................
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Butch) are you okay brick cat got your tongue
Brick) first of all we don't own any cats second of all what we're going through right now is BS we're stuck in this house at night with some boring babysitter lady that we don't even really know and what are dad and Blaze doing at some probably really cool villain Hideout thing that he says we're not old enough to go to
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Boomer) I'll admit it does kind of suck but Blaze did say it's pretty boring
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Butch) Boomer does have a point
Brick) Boomer would you just use your brain for once Blaze is almost just like one of the adult he could have just been lying so we wouldn't get intrigued
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Butch) now that kind of makes some sense
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Boomer) okay that may possibly be true but there's nothing we can really do about it
Brick) not true I have a plan but Boomer you're going to have to put the rabbit down cuz you're not going to pay attention
After he explained the plan
Butch) okay this must be the poison well sleeping poison now all I need to do is give it to the babysitter
Butch) here you go Miss babysitter I got you a drink
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BabySitter) thank you very much butch
Babysitter) *yawns* I'm starting to get kind of sleepy
Boomer) ummmm she's not dead is she
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Butch) nope she's just sleeping and now we can sneak out you're a genius brick
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Brick) yeah yeah I know now let's just get going
Mojo Jojo) great now I'm tired why is this place have to be so far away
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Blaze) well Dad it's far away so nobody will find it
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Mojo Jojo) I mean I can understand that but I still don't want to be that far away I'm not even sure about what we're talkin about today
Butch) okay so this is the villain headquarters
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Boomer) it's freaking huge
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Brick) yep and I think I saw Dad and Blaze go in there
Ace) Mojo you're finally here
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Mojo Jojo) hello Ace and I can see snake is tending the bar I may go get something to drink
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Blaze) hello mr. ace
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Ace *laugh* no need to be so formal dude
This guy here is ace she is the leader of the Gang Green gang weird name I know and he kind of has the personality of your classic school bully with a little bit of a perverted flirty side to him but there's not much I'm going to say about him because more is probably going to happen in the story
Mojo Jojo) hey snake can I just get what I always order
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Snake) sure thing Mojo coming right up ssssssssss
This guy right here is snake another member of the Gang Green gang let's just say she's sure weird one let's just say his name isn't snake for no reason I can't tell if it's just a part of him or he acts like that for fun but he sometimes likes to imitate a snake and hisses for some reason he's definitely a weird one of the Gang Green gang
Boomer) okay nothing is going on this place looks cool but the adults aren't very cool this is getting kind of boring
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Brick) oh shut up Boomer we haven't even been here for that long and it looks like everybody is gathering around the table
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Butch) interesting I wonder if Dad ever talks about us
Sedusa) so Mojo you thought of any good plans
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Mojo Jojo) no not right this second
This lovely lady but not really is Sedusa let's just say she is the most craziest most snobbiest woman that you could ever meet the Powerpuff Girls hate dealing with her mostly and when she sees something and she likes it she's going to get it
Okay now that pink haired guy is fuzzy fuzzy lumpkins and as you can tell from what's about to happen him and Sedusa are dating why does he want to date her I don't know why everyone has their types and I would call fuzzy a bad guy but the same time I'm still not very sure because it seems like he is just a hillbilly that doesn't want anybody near his territory
Him) hmmm Mojo maybe you should bring the boys here sometime
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Mojo Jojo) I don't know him I mean my boys are bad but I wouldn't say they're evil they're kind of just like gross little boys
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Brick Boomer & Butch) WHAT!!!!!
Mojo Jojo) yeah I just don't know if I want them doing all that
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Him) but why didn't you make them to destroy the Powerpuff Girls
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Mojo Jojo) no not necessarily that was part of the reason but the other reason I made them is because I wanted children and I wasn't dating anybody at the time for me to make children with so what the boys ended up being made and I don't know I don't know if I would necessarily consider my little boy's villains
Butch) well this is awkward
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Brick) this is more than awkward this is absolutely ridiculous he's just sitting there talking trash about us
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Boomer) no no no I don't think he was trying to do that I think he was trying and just say that being villains isn't really our thing and maybe he's right dad's almost never wrong
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Brick) fuck that Boomer she is clearly talking trash about us stop trying to sugarcoat it you know what I think it's time for a little payback a little bit of fire never hurt anyone
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Butch) brick what are you talkin about do anything crazy
youtube
Blaze) BRICK you are in so much trouble
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Butch) oh crap
oh and dont worry lil arturo is fine
The End
#rrb#ppg#rowdyruff boys#rowdyruff brick#rowdyruff butch#rowdyruff boomer#fire#fanfiction#fanfic#TS4 SCREENSHOTS#ts4 gameplay#sims 4 lookbook#sims 4 gameplay#sims 4#ts4 lookbook
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we have the same hat in so many ways wrt PCOS... I struggled So Much with "being girl enough" especially as a teenager/early 20s (which were really teenage years, cont. lbr) by the sound of it we went in totally different directions with the Gender Presentation though lol. I discovered that embracing the masc and actually letting myself be butch like I had always loved and admired was huge in helping myself feel comfortable in my own skin. sharing this as a, cool how both ways work out, you know? also you're totally right about women in suits a+++
yeah i feel that!
i think part of what was/is so much of the problem with me is that like. while a lot of it is probably to do with societal pressure, misogyny, lesbophobia, etc, the rest was that i'm NOT butch or masc, so there wasn't really anything for me to like embrace or become comfortable with, if that makes sense? at least not wrt my personal conception of my gender. that's why i don't feel like labeling myself as trans would be accurate, bc i don't really identify as a gender other than the one i was assigned at birth; it's my body that makes me dysphoric bc i'm afab and i AM a woman, but the pcos symptoms make me feel like my body doesn't match the way i conceptualize my gender internally. i feel like that's incoherent djdksksks sorry
i remember wishing i was a tomboy at one point bc i had a handful of friends who were and who seemed very comfortable and happy being that way, but it wasn't me and it wasn't what i wanted. my issue has always kinda been less about accepting my internal gnc-ness and more that like. i am more feminine than (i feel) my body makes me appear, and it fucks w my head that others' perceptions of me are impacted by my appearance in ways i'm not comfortable with...which ofc is something pretty universal i think
i'm glad you were able to find comfort in yourself and your butchness though that's amazing ♥️
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Binary
This started out as a whole thing about Brie Larson. She’s started a YouTube channel and i figured I'd follow it just for kicks. I’m not a huge fan of massive Hollywood stars invading more accessible spaces but, technically, they’re the “You” in YouTube, too. I can’t be too mad at that. Of course Google is going to cater more to their brand, mostly because they bring in the duckets and understand PR so they know ho not to cause an ADpocolypse, but it’s still mad sh*tty. Larson’s first post was just her being goofy, trying to figure out how to even be a YouTuber. You kind of see a side of her that i figured was there, but never really was able to confirm. Brie Larson is the poster child for Millennial geekdom and i find that adorable as f*ck. Which is why i don’t understand the MASSIVE waves of hate she’s getting from the community. Cats are reveling in her perceived failure, it’s actually insane.
Now, before we go any further, i just want to be clear; I am a fan of Brie Larson. I think she is excellent at her craft. Ma is from my hometown and it’s always great to see someone make it out of this cowtown. I believe she has every right to her opinions and the fact that she voices them from such a visible platform, makes her one of the most endearing and real celebrities in an industry maligned by the phony. Brie ain’t quite Russell Brand but she is very vocal about the unjust sh*t she sees and will totally let you know it. That, i think, is why she garners such vitriol. Look, I'm a black dude living in the US. If she gets on TV and says f*ck white dudes, I'm inclined to agree. But she didn’t say that. What she said was there needs to be more voices making film, different perspectives in the arts. White dudes dominate the industry and she’s tired of seeing that movie. I don’t understand how that’s a controversial statement. It’s true. We need more dynamic, more diverse, storytellers making films out in the wild. The thing is, that one statement earned her the ire of every entitled white boy with time and and the internet. These motherf*cker decided to take that personally and we were off to the races.
When Brie Larson was announced as Captain Marvel, i was okay with it. I thought Charlize Theron or Katee Sackhoff would have been a better look but i get it. Larson is young and can portray the character for years to come. Kind of how Florence Pugh is going to take over Black Widow duties from Scarlett Johansson. Pugh can be that character for close to a decade, as can Larson. Once again, however, the interwebs were set asunder with rage and malcontent over the Cap Marvel announcement. It was f*cking ridiculous to me. Sure, she didn’t look the part going into this but neither did Gal Gadot, the latter turned out to be the best thing going in that trainwreck DCEU. Larson grew into the part, put in the work to look the part, and is committed to the role. She did her research, consuming massive amounts of the comics, trying to find Carol’s head space, which was a goddamn feat. Captain Marvel is as controversial as Brie Larson, herself. And it’s just as stupid.
Look, i adore Captain Marvel. She’s my fifth favorite Marvel character after Spider-Man, Doctor Doom, Laura Kinney, and Illyana Rasputin. In that order. Captain Marvel grew on me during the whole Mighty Avengers and Disassembled story lines from years ago. I have no love-loss for Bendis but that cat did wonders for building up more obscure characters, Carol being one of them. I also like what he did for Luke Cage, too, but that’s not what this essay is about. I’ve been a fan of this character since the early 00s and have rode this Carol train for years. I jumped on bored when she was rocking her leotard, which i miss terribly, took my time to dig up the back issues where she was in the original red and blue digs and moonlighted as Warbird for a bit. Then, Marvel Now happened and f*cked it all up. Carol went from this attractive, uber-powered, mess of a woman to a cold, manly, aggressively stupid caricature of herself. The Carol Danvers i had grown to love, with all of her faults and trauma, became some sort of butch nightmare and the poster child for why Woke Marvel was failing. I don’t think that’s fair.
Comic Carol was on her way to becoming a real force in the Marvel universe. She had learned there was worth in her strength, one she had to drag out through deep introspection and an understanding of who she really is. No longer was she just a gender-swapped, copyright placeholder that no one knew what to do with. Now she had agency. Now she was a force. Now she was relevant. Now tore all of that away. After Marvel Now, all of that growth and nuance was thrown out of the window. She became the idealized version of what the SJWs thought a “Strong Woman” should be. Marvel gave her a massive push in an effort to cater to this burgeoning Tumblr dynamic and it failed miserably. Marvel wanted that Steven Universe crowd and they tried real hard to get it but that sh*t did not work. The changes to the universe weren’t extreme or feminist or PC enough. Courting a fanbase that had no longevity, Carol was sabotaged and thrown to the wolves. That’s the environment we were saturated in when Disney announced Larson as Carol for the MCU. It was a perfect storm of Nerdrage, one that has not died down in any capacity all these years later for either Brie or Carol.
I don’t think the feminist slant given to the Captain Marvel movie was actually such a big deal. I think the vitriol that flick faces stems from the combined maliciousness both the new version of Carol in the comics and Brie Larson, herself, garnered. It’s kind of crazy the massive tantrum everyone decided to throw over this movie. Cats were looking for this thing to fail as some sort of petulant schadenfreude ignoring the fact that this movie wasn’t made for them. As frustrated as i was with the ludicrous discourse, i knew this movie wasn't for me. his wasn’t my Carol and i was good with that. Unlike Marvel who pandered to the trend of PC nonsense, the MCU had a clear vision in mind for the audience they wanted; Young girls. They wanted a character who was strong enough to hang with Thor, stand equally with Iron Man, and have the respect of Captain America. Captain Marvel was the best option. She would be the tentpole hero of the MCU going forward and i accepted that. I went into the film with that understanding and, on my way out, i saw, firsthand, what this movie meant to the target audience. There was a little girl, about nine or so, gushing abut how cool Captain Marvel was. She as ecstatic to see a girl like her, kicking so much butt. In the face of that, every entitled argument you have against the character falls apart in my eyes. Captain Marvel is to young girls and woman, as Black Panther was to us black folk. It’s the same energy.
Do i think the film could have been better? F*ck yea, i do. I think the script should have had one more revision and the directors definitely felt out of place. They’re good at their jobs, they mostly make A24-esque fare, but a massive, multi-million dollar, space epic connected to the most popular film franchise in history? Nah, these cats were way out of their depth. I think Feige dropped the ball on this one, a rare miss. I think Kathryn Bigelow, Patty Jenkins, Lynne Ramsay, Claire Dennis, or Lorene Scafaria would have constructed a much better film, both visually and narrative wise. I think if the movie was better as a whole, a lot of the controversy and vitriol would have been neutered. Carol is written quite wooden and a little pretentious. The interactions between the supporting cast feels forced. The overall narrative is fine but definitely could have been embellished at parts. Captain Marvel is boring and i don’t know how that happened. You have one of the strongest characters in comics, with a distinct, visually appealing powerset, and you make her movie boring? Really? More than anything, though, is the absolute mistreatment of Sam Jackson and Nick Fury.
The writing reduces Nick Fury, the mind behind the entirety of the Avengers Initiative, to lap boy sidekick in an effort to up Carol’s own stature. That sh*t is poor writing and it’s mad frustrating to see. I hate narratives that have to job established characters, in an effort to push new additions. I just wrote a whole goddamn thing about that with Punchline, Joker’s new “partner”. It’s bogus, cheapening the character and opens up an avenue for bad-faith complaints. Rey Palpatine is another great example. Her entire character is built on the slow, methodical, violent, destruction of the Skywalker legacy. Interestingly enough, that character was launched in the same environment as New Carol so i understand why the movie is the way that it is. I don’t agree with it, but i know why. It was an incredibly poor choice to introduce Captain Marvel in this way, however, and she’s never recovered. Brie has never recovered. You want a 90s buddy-cop space opera? Lethal Weapon with Skrulls and starships? You need your Murtaugh and Riggs to stand on equal footing. That was not the case with this flick. Having Nick Fury job to Carol Danvers for two hours was the wrong way to go about all of this and i think a different creative team could have made something truly excellent.
It’s nuts to me that this is even a thing though. Brie’s personal controversy is so f*cking stupid, i choke every time i think about it. How are you mad she stand up for herself, her gender, and everyone else in a position of persecution? Don’t you want though with a platform speaking up about the inequities of our country? I feel like the same people who hate Brie for her vocal advocacy, are the same people who stan “All Lives Matter” when ever someone says Black Lives Matter. That sh*t feels like the same energy to me. I feel like the criticisms launched at comic Carol have real validity, even if most of them are just whiny man-children who miss the leotard. I miss the leotard, too, but come on? We’re passed that now. I do think, when written well, Carol can be a force in the books. Her run as part of the new Ultimates was pretty chill I think she needs that in order to be her true self, until we establish a true self for the character. It’s weird to say but Captain Marvel, Ms. Marvel previously, has been around for fifty years, and no one has any idea who she is as a character. I think Captain Marvel in the MCU, both the character and film, are hated for the wrong reasons. The fact that no one has any idea who this character is, makes for a lousy cinematic experience. The team put together in an effort to flesh this character out, didn’t have the creative capacity to do so and we were left with little more than PC tropes and Feminist agenda. The MCU let both Brie and Carol down in that regard.
Brie Larson isn’t a terrible person and she deserves more respect put on her name. She an accomplished actress with a bevy of awards and accolades to her name. She’s been in great films like Room and Scott Pilgrim, never once garnering a controversy. The fact that she speaks her truth, a truth the establishment doesn’t want to hear, should not disqualify her talent or the fact that she seems like a really chill person. Carol Danvers is a dope ass character with an amazing amount of potential. When she’s written well and not traded upon for trends, she can have real staying power. Her abilities open up a plethora of interesting, creatively fertile narratives yet to be written. Disregarding her just because Marvel decided to gamble on the pretentious third-wave feminism wave is shortsighted and makes you look like a childish brat. You’re entitled to feel however you want but let’s be clear; Brie Larson and Carol Danvers deserve so much better.
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dragon age: all characters (companions)
I’ve been in this fandom for a hot minute now and I want to update my opinions on characters :)
Origins
Alistair: super sweet dude who literally is not the stereotypicalchantryguyfightme. He’s a great example of healthy masculinity and I totally wish he was bi because I have an entire essay on that— also: he’s a poc! His mum was brown. In game he’s got dark features. if you really want a blond/blue-eyes/white guy, make your warden that. or accept that brown people can be noble and moral. or just draw cailan, idk. just because BioWare whitewashes doesn’t mean you should.
Leliana: someone hug my singing girlfriend before I crush her under with my own hugs. Also: nugs. Yes! Shoes. Yes! She likes how I style my hair? YES!! I honestly think she’s super duper and it pisses me off whenever someone’s like: yeah she enjoys killing people and the Game. ok. and michel de chevin willingly participated in genocidal marches through the alienage he grew up in with his elvhen mum.
Morrigan: dirty swamp witch that i stan and also have a v big crush on. tiddies. Have a son with a GW so we can raise him with our tiddies out in the forest. she’s also white-passing, as her father was chasind and all people we’ve seen that are chasind are black. therefore, she is biracial. therefore, poc can be goths and don’t shy away from giving morrigan a darker skintone. if the devs had of been thinking, she’d have a darker skintone.
Zevran: Actually is the best romance, I think. Loves consent, therefore I will stan him so hard my skull cracks a little. Also: he is a very brown boy and if he’s white in da4 I’m seriously going to throw all canon out the fucking window. genuinely a good person who needs to be told so.
Wynne: grandma who only likes my friends who go to church. but also super sweet and I’d rest my head on her bosom (in a platonic way omg ZEVRAN)
Sten: angry quiet boi. the bestest boi. I totally would give him a kitten for a gift and bake him cookies. Thicc softie. I think if I had DA:O and i knew how to use mods i would mod the fuck outta him. sorry.
Sha(y)le: who’s gender? idk her. See also: fuck birds and authority. pound ur ass into the ground you feathery meatbag little shits. fuck songbirds.
Dog: such a good boi. thicc. thinks Alistair is a whiny fuck and is Morrigan’s only friend. love him. he’s the cutest companion. bet.
Ohgren: honestly forgot about him bcc he’s such a shitbag. also: he could’ve been a really cool addiction recovery type but NOPE. probably would have a trump shirt in a modern au and would catcall wlw and hit mlm. no thanks.
Awakening
Anders: he acts like rlly straight but he’s so gay I can smell it. also he’s rlly cute and fun and I love him so much.
Justice: MAYBE i’M selF CONSCious OF THE twitchING. is the friend that genuinely doesn’t get dick jokes but is ur 110% ride or die.
Nathaniel Howe: honestly is sort of a white knight/neck beard a little, but it’s kind of charming with his whole velanna m’lady?? grump boi. annoying soul patch that I’d mod out SO FAST—
Sigrun: would have ROMANCED the FUCK out of her. why she even entertains the idea of fucking with ohgren makes me realize most of the writers are dumbfucks.png. peppy little emo. 12/10 would die if she kissed my cheek teasingly.
Ohgren: why. why. why. I’d have brought Shayle over. Maybe Zev? Definitely Dog.
Velanna: she was written to be an annoying feminist and you can tell but I deadass am a kindred spirit with her bcc I too am deadpan annoyed with Thedas’ general population too. love her. Would’ve loved to romance her. She’d totally be one of those who’d get all tsundere and be like “n-no i hate you” *kisses the fuckin soul out of you then blushes so hard she’s now a tomato*
Dragon Age II
Anders: fuck the cops. i don’t care. fuck the cops. (vine reference). also: do i hate him for blowing up the chantry that would eventually annul a huge collection of his people? no. read dalishious’s meta on Anders. v intriguing. didn’t they retcon the fuck out of the reported deaths too? like there was like eight Templars and Elthinia in there. Templars killed more “abominations” in a day than Anders in the game canon—
Aveline: initially thought she was fine and then realized she’s shit to my lil brother and I will fucking clap her ginger ass. See also: whorephobia isn’t a joke so fuck off with treating Isabela badly, you tit.
Bethany: sunshine. Literal sunshine. I feel my freckles grow in her presence and i love it. she’s my little baby sister and I’d slam that ogre so fuckin hard before it touched either twin.
Carver: there has to be a mod where both twins survive. I love them both to bits. My babies. carver is my bitter, angry little brother and I can relate because I too am very angry and would totally clap my own ass. hes so genuine and I don’t get the competition between Beth and Carver. Like, both are fuckin stellar in different ways. In this essay I will—
Fenris: honestly, I don’t get the general hate between him and Anders. Fenris’ main arc should’ve been a recovery arc, not drunken moping and revenge. he deserves better. give him a soft sweater instead of his spikes and let him love himself as much as I love him for MAKERS SAKE. like when you really think about their relationship, it could’ve been an eye-opener for fenris and finally some legit sympathy for anders. but we all know that if they had of teamed up that Meredith would’ve been dead before the end of Act 1 so.
Isabela: whorephobia is not a joke. oversexualizing your only appearing brown woman is so poorly written. how about we appreciate her and her lovely bosoms but also let people tease her about her heart of gold? her innate understanding of freedom? instead of just a wave of dick? please?? can we give her some pants for when she fights? can we accept that i fall for rogues who hate themselves?? fuck. also whomever draws her x femHawke x Merrill literally is after my own heart.
Merrill: my fucking babygirl MARRY ME. Fenris could’ve been her older brother type, but NO. she and Isabela should’ve been canonical gfs instead of Isabela/Fenris (no shaming the pairing tho!!). I love how she’s written as neurodivergent. V nice. Sometimes I just look her up and cry because she’s fucking everything. Also: she’s in the Dalish origin and she’s far from being white. Why did they make the most innocent/naïve character really white? hmmmm.
Sebastian: whew that boy. Would totally be that annoying Mormon at your door but you still let him in bcc he’s super sweet. Also: huge ass bible thumper and should get his head slap because you said the maker loved all his children why do you defend a complicit old hag you annoying attractive fuck—
Varric: totally is a bard and the devs couldn’t handle the idea of him being one bcc it might make him look less straight. is the only grey morality person I don’t want to fucking bash in with a fry pan. he sees people and I like that, but you totally know he’s siding with mages every time bcc him and Anders are like besties. I’m sorry. I don’t make the rules. “Professional Younger Brother”.
Tallis: I know nothing about her but she seems okay. I think she was an escaped slave and honestly? Fucking props. Spy on a shitting organization, idk what you’re doing, but your VA was that cool lesbian from SPN so I think ur okay?
Inquisition
Blackwall: Redemption Arc 101. Love him to bits. Sad dad bunwall. good man. actually atoned for his sins by actively becoming a good person. his initial design is 80% hotter im so sorry but so not.
Cassandra: was way browner in the last game. would romance the fuck outta her. I love me a butch lady who melts at my dorky recitation of poetry. BioWare is a coward. also is the worst choice for divine. but not a bad person. could use some more guidance or get her ass whipped by a dalish elf about religion or a circle mage kid whos like “yeah bud i didn’t ask for the templars to whip my ass everyday for existing.”
The Iron Bull: I think the Qunari/Vashoth were a little based off black people (the whole anti blackness thing where ppl are scared of them bcc of whatever reason) and it pisses me off that he had a weird ass dubcon thing with Dorian in banter. It doesn’t make sense— he’s an A+++ dom and would not jump straight in role play without at least checking in at first like wtf BioWare.
Cole: his mother was chasind so he’s like not supposed to be that white? or like biracial? albino? idk. love him to bits tho. He’s neurodivergent and I deadass love him. romancing him? idk. I see why ppl think it’s fuckin nasty but also like as a writer I’d age him the fuck up so fast before my inquisitor even THOUGHT about that. like idk. I’m down with him being a sweet little bro character tho. he’s a babe. love him.
Sera: had the worst fucking writer I’ve ever seen and I willingly read the twilight saga twice by a shit ass racist white lady who okay’d pedophilia. like. Fuck you Kristjanson suck your own dick you fuck. had the worst options in regards to speak to her. has a thicc case of internalized racism that literally most of the fandom just loves to use against her. my lesbian neurodivergent queen. Would write a thousand fix it fics for her. Love her to bits. im gay.
Varric: I haven’t played DA2 so i don’t get why everyone wants to romance him but like. a dwarf romance? yes please. Idk he reminds me of my uncle so I only see him as fun uncle material. Deadass should adopt Cole and Merrill and co parent with Blackwall for Sera. dads? fuck yeah. love me some wholesome, present fathers.
Dorian: is a gay stereotype that I love/hate so much. and he’s also just as bad about being a creep bcc he sexualizes qunari men (in banter). I attribute that to shit writing tho. I want to protect him from all the “omg gay best friend!” people. he’d clearly be that tired gay that wouldn’t give a diddly damn about ur het romance. wanna talk about politics? he’s ur guy/gay.
Solas: “me, an intellectual:”. I don’t hate him, but I’m not about him. He comes off as mysterious and suave (which he totally is) but I deadass would not save him from himself because he’s a racist, exclusionist eggshell. idk. not my cup of tea, but I can totally see the appeal. And he’s interesting, I’ll totally say that. “I think the Dalish are garbage but they made you” is not a compliment. it’s so offensive. and such bait for “quirky girls” which I’m no fan of. Would be Achilles and let Patroclus (Lavellan in his case) die before he realized how his pride is literally a waste of time. If he gets a redemption arc I hope Lavellan gets to slap him before getting him to teach all about ancient Arlathan and show that the Evanuris weren’t all total dicknozzles. (Aka I really have a hard time believing that they’d be slavery cult things. especially since they’ve compared elves to indigenous ppl, Jews and the Romani.)
Vivienne: it’s so racist that they’d make a black woman be pro-slavery. That’s such internalized racism. She could’ve been the cool ass “educate yourself first before you speak, fool” ice lady, but NO. the devs could’ve kept the “Templars are a tool that I proudly can mandate” and the “circles are very good education” and we. Could. Have. Romanced. Her. Like. Fuck. Sake. I just wanna give her a hug and say “love yourself omg!!” and not even in a romantic way. Also: she and morrigan should not have been so antagonistic towards each other. I’d expect them to have great respect for each other, as they both moved up in the world through hardwork and very little help. They could learn different magic from each other too and still maintain that rival respect “oh you” mood. Sidenote: probably the cooler option for Divine. if her approval is high enough she’ll love and be loyal to you forever and i can’t see her agenda being bad. she improves the circles exponentially and tells all the antis to suck her pretty painted toes.
Josephine: an actual disney princess. romanced her my first playthrough. I love her so much. she just makes me so happy. And she’s like: “Integrity, Loyalty, peace. That is what it means to be a GREY WARDEN good fucking person.” she’s the person who would let you hold her hand if you got anxious and she’d be that person who shouldered the whole group project with finesse and poise and would probably lie for everyone as to not be mean. i love josie. her and leliana’s relationship is so cute, too. whether it’s romantic or not: women supporting women.
Leliana: if you leave her hardened you must hate her. why. she becomes so against herself. i like how shes feminine and lighthearted because that’s so powerful-- to remain hopeful when the world is hopeless. (its hard to know when to soften her/harden her so i get it but. google it. she deserves to be happy and sweet again.)
Cullen: uwu war criminal with shit ass “redemption arc” that was actually a half-assed (at BEST) recovery arc. Recovery isn’t linear, it isn’t pretty, and even the broken need to be told they are wrong in order to heal right. Like I’m offended by that bullshit. I’ve had to do some mental health recovery in the past and unlearning lots of toxic ideologies— which I’m still unlearning— and it bothers me that he gets an easy pass because he’s hot. It’s one thing if you like Cullen, it’s another thing if you hold him accountable.
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My favourite Fallout NPC’S (Fallout 3,NV and 4!)
Raul Tejada (Fallout: New Vegas) AKA my snarky Abuelo who puts up with all my bullshit and complains about his knees and eats all my sweets.
ED-E (Fallout: New Vegas) My sweet spherical boi who I would die for. And who I keep calling E-dee not Eddie despite the game telling me numerous times it’s pronounced Eddie.
Deacon (Fallout 4) This motherfucker who Bethesda wouldn't me put a ring on. Funny, doesn’t take anything seriously and rocks the sunglasses. A very complicated and mysterious dude who keeps lying to my sorry face and makes me have a meltdown over a stupid note all for his own entertainment. He’s an asshole but I love it. My favourite dude in FO4
Three Dog (Fallout 3) Cool. Just the embodiment of cool. Says cool shit. Has cool ideas. Cool goals and a cool voice. If there was three dog merch in the wasteland I would buy everything. Even overpriced mugs.
Ulysses (Fallout: New Vegas) This ray of fucking sunshine. Nice voice and I am one of the few individuals who thirst for this mailman. Constantly hinted about throughout the game and the DLC’s which is kinda spooky but very intriguing. Talks waaaay too much but I actually like the way he broodily talks.
Jonas (Fallout 3) VIP of the did not deserve it club. I was enraged when he died and beat Alphonse with a baseball bat. I liked this geezer cuz he was kind and clearly held affection for the LW, wish we got more of him but he’s on this list because I have a tendency to sometimes get attached to minor characters too quickly.
Cait (Fallout 4) She could stab me and I’d still worship the ground she stood on. Mad woman who’s got the biggest balls in the Commonwealth and I have huge respect for her.
Charon (Fallout 3) One tall motherfucker, knew he was something special when after I got his contract by killing an old precious lady he straight up whipped out a shotgun and blasted his former boss to oblivion and then turned to me as if nothing happened...
MacCready (Fallout 4) Swearing toddler becomes a greasy weasel who can’t swear. MacCready beats Danse all the way sorry folks, I love my sniper with the bad teenager attitude more than the rigid soldier who’s mean to Nick, Hancock and Deacon. Also nice hat.
Benny (Fallout: New Vegas) I sped halfway across the Mojave desert looking for Chandler from friends and I wasn’t disappointed. If he took off the damn suit I wouldn’t have found him which just sums up his priorities...
Arcade Gannon (Fallout: New Vegas) ayyyy my bro, the guy who does 99.9% of the work. Seriously, I’d be dead without him and I think he fucking knows it the smarty smug bugger.
Moira (Fallout 3) I am very conflicted towards her. On one hand, I wanna body slam her into the bomb at Megaton, but on the other, I also do a disgruntled grunt as I treck across the wasteland fetching her material for her book.
Butch Deloria (Fallout 3) ohh boy. The fallout heartthrob in my opinion. deffo enemies to lovers trope if you’re into him. I mean, he’s immature and obnoxious but that kind of attitude is entertaining when you’ve got a mean old merc named jericho, a 7 foot ghoul named Charon who doesn’t talk much and a brainwashed slave girl named Clover. and more lovelies. Plus, he’s a greaser and they’re hot so...
Dean Domino (Fallout: New Vegas/Dead Money) I hate this asshole. I love this asshole. He’s done bad bad BAD things but he’s so charismatic so I don’t care lmao. Also, kinda tragic in a way. He couldn’t let go so he stayed in the streets under the Sierra Madre for over 200 years...
Christine Royce (Fallout: New Vegas/Dead Money) I am ngl I had the hots for her during the elevator scene. Also, unique and I like how she tied into Ulysses and Veronica. I like her story too, tragic hero and all that.
Muggy (Fallout: New Vegas/ Old World Blues) Muggy fucking cracks me up and if you haven’t met this guy lemme tell you, that gif? whatever you’re thinking about how he sounds or what he is like YOU’RE FUCKING WRONG.
#Fallout new vegas#fallout:new vegas#muggy#christine royce#ulysses#ulysses fnv#fnv#dean domino#butch deloria#jonas f3#fallout 3#fallout#fallout 4#fo3#fo4#companions#cait#cait fo4#Deacon#Deacon fo4#Moira Brown#arcade gannon#MacCready#three dog#dead money#old world blues#Benny fnv#benny gecko#Raul tejada#ED-E
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🏳️🌈for GO or TMA or both!! whatever you prefer💕
i’m gonna do Both >:3c
🏳🌈 do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you?
gomens: ok so obvi crowley and aziraphale r both gay as hell, like just big ol’ raging homos. but adhd crowley is also VERY VERY important to me, i will clutch this headcanon to my very heart until my dying breath. and i’ve also seen autistic aziraphale which i think is *chef’s kiss* very fresh and cool. i would also die for jewish crowley tyvm (u might notice a trend that all my faves are gay jews with adhd.....for no reason at all haha)
i also think anathema and newt are both gay (although i’ve seen some ppl say lesbian trans woman newt which i also fully stan) and i think (show) beelzebub is also a huge dyke
for tma……i think daisy is butch and basira is femme and they are a beautiful lesbian couple, i think georgie is bi, and i can’t decide if melanie is bi or a lesbian but obviously she’s a wlw.
and i have decided martin has adhd because he is my projection character and i said so (altho adhd/autistic [he has both i think] jon is also up there) also melanie and martin are jewish. aaaand while we’re here let’s talk about trans martin and nb archivist shall we?
ask me about my hyperfixations 👁️👁️
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Hey trans guys... before you fully realised you were trans, did you have like, distress about femininity? Not the dysphoria of “oh my god I hate my breasts”, like, not hating that you WERE perceived as feminine, but the opposite? Distress that you weren’t performing femininity RIGHT?
Like... I’m distressed I’m not being feminine enough because that’s what I’m supposed to be, because I’m afab...
And I am constantly stressed out that I’m not feminine “enough”. I consistently don’t check enough mental boxes for “feminine” and it distresses me because I’m supposed to be feminine? But I’m not? And I don’t want to be, except it stresses me out that I’m not. It’s like I’m doing something wrong by being masculine.
And maybe it’s something like the dawning realization of “Yeah, of course you’re not feminine, stupid. YOU’RE A FUCKING DUDE AND HAVE BEEN THIS ENTIRE TIME.”
Or maybe I’m just a masculine woman, I don’t know yet. I’m 34 and I’ve been wondering if I was trans since I was 15 haha.
Stuff like shaving stresses me out. I don’t do it regularly, because I don’t want to. I wear pants all the time anyway, and a huge part of it is because I don’t like to shave. I look at my hairy legs and I like them, they don’t bother me at all... at home.
Because I also feel disgusting as a woman with hairy legs. And when I see a girl with her cute ankles sticking out from under her yoga pants and her skin is perfectly smooth I find myself trying to cover up my own hairy ankles and I feel super gross and lazy.
And I’m tiny, I’m like 5′2″ so I worry I’d never be able to pass, and maybe I should just settle for being a tiny butch woman.
And maybe like, a huge part of this is just that women aren’t allowed to be human beings. I wanna be perceived as brave and strong and handsome and cool and charming and gentle, and not just quirky and weird and like, a couch gargoyle who doesn’t know how to shave.
A beard would be cool, too.
[edit] And when I DO “dress up” and try to perform femininity, I legitimately feel like it’s just a costume. I feel like a drag queen. I feel like it’s a fake persona. I look at past photos of me with long hair and go “gyah! who let Johnny into Mommy’s makeup!?!?”
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Could I request something for Soft butch Karin and Butch Hinata? The pairing stole my heart by accident and now im in love with it.
YESSSSSSSS MORE HINAKARIN also teacher au, bc i’ve been craving it lately
(requests open)
(ao3 mirror)
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“Are you sure no one’s coming?” He’d been asking thatquestion every five seconds for the last ten minutes and, honestly, Hikari wasgetting sick of it.
She casually elbowed the ladder her friend was balancing on,taking a little joy in the terrified squeal he let out. “Yeah, I’m sure, justhurry up so we can get out of here already.” Beside her, Ren snickered, beforegently shaking the ladder himself.
“Would you both cut it out, I’m the one doing all the work y’know!”
“Ren came up with the plan and I made the stuff to go in theballoons, compared to that you’ve got the easy bit,” she said, peeking her headout of the door and looking both ways down the hall to check for intruders.
They had been waiting for this opportunity for weeks andsoon, the moment would be at hand. Revenge was gonna be sweet.
“Ok, I’m done, let’s get outta here, quick,” Yuta said, jumpingoff the ladder and quickly folding it up.
Together, they gathered up any evidence of their mischief, checkedthe surroundings for anyone lying in wait, then, sharing a knowing smirk andsnickering at each other, they turned around to head back to their classroom. Thebell had already rung, but it was only Nara-sensei’s class, he wouldn’t punishthem for tardiness – hell, he probably hadn’t even turned up himself yet.
“What do you three think you’re doing?”
As one, they froze in place, before slowly, sloooooowly,turning around to face the sharp voice that had silently snuck up on them. “K-Karin-sensei!”
They were screwed.
“Well?” she asked, staring down at them, arms crossed andfoot tapping. A notoriously strict teacher had caught them, carrying a ladder, string,tape and empty water balloons in their hands and generally just looking mightysuspicious. No way was she going to let them out of this easy, not unless theyhad a bulletproof excuse.
“We were just…” She looked to each of her allies in turn, neitherof whom giving her a response more useful than a shrug. “Juuust… going tochange a lightbulb?”
Was she blinking that slowly on purpose, or was time justslowing for Hikari as her life passed in front of her eyes – all six years ofit. “With balloons.”
“Um, these are-” Think of something, quick.
Finally, Ren stopped shivering in terror long enough up tohelp her out, saying, “For a class with Konohamaru-sensei later!” His excusewas even almost believable.
“Really.”
When Ren failed to elaborate, Yuta jumped in to save him. “He’suh… teaching us the rasengan?” Aaaand they were back to being screwed. Ok,maybe she hadn’t been able to come up with anything better, but she was stillgoing to have to drag both her friends off and coach them on knowing when tokeep their big mouths shut when they got out of this. If they got out ofthis.
And judging by the ever-narrowing eyes of the scariestteacher in the entire academy, that was looking less likely by the second.
“You’re in your second year; rasengan is an advanced classonly available to genin graduates.”
If she’d been in a better state of mind, Hikari might’vewondered why she didn’t seem phased by the more obvious issue of why they wouldeven need to bring water balloons to a class teaching an A-rank jutsu, but as itwas, she just trembled in place, praying for an escape from this situation.
“Classes have started, what are you all doing out- oh,Karin-sensei, is something the matter here?”
Lightly jogging down the hall towards them, messy ponytailbouncing along behind her, was their salvation.
All three students shouted in unison, “Hinata-sensei!”
“These three were clearly up to something, I’m just tryingto get to the bottom of it.” Glasses were adjusted as the shorter of the two womencame to a stop beside the other. Seeing them standing next to each other, thedifference was stark; where Karin looked cool and professional, in her buttonup shirt and tailored shorts – the only contrast to her smart appearance being herundercut hair – Hinata was all soft hoodies and a thousand layers, clearly shewas only dressing for comfort, but it made her so much more approachable than almostevery other adult working at the school.
Moral boosted by the soft presence of the kind teacher,Hikari found her voice again. “We haven’t done anything; this is all just a bigcoincidence!”
“I’m not buying that for a second.”
“Karin-sensei, let’s give them the benefit of the doubt,” Hinatasaid, reaching up to rest a light hand against the other woman’s shoulder. “I’msure our students would know better than to lie to us.” The gentle smile on herlips was sharper than any of Karin-sensei’s glares.
Hikari twitched.
“In fact, why don’t we all go into the room together and seewhat happens?”
The three students exchanged a glance. “Uh, actually-” Renstarted speaking, but was cut off before he could get anywhere.
“I mean, if you haven’t done anything, then I’m sure you wouldbe happy to prove it.” She still wore the gentle smile, but, with every word outof her mouth, it seemed less and less kind; more and more cunning. “It would bequite easy.”
By this point, sweat was sliding down Hikari’s back like awaterfall. “Well, see, we would, except that we really have a class tobe getting to now, don’t want to be late, right?”
Hinata blinked at them, smile not dimming for a second. “You’realready late, I’m sure a few extra seconds won’t hurt, I’ll even vouch for youto your teacher.”
A hand settled heavily on her shoulder, firmly pushing hertoward the door. Hikari sent a desperate look to her friends – theirexpressions of pure terror perfectly matched her own – then, hopelessly, as alast-ditch effort, turned to Karin-sensei.
There was no mercy to be found in her glower.
As the teacher pulled open the door, she finally found thecourage to scream, “NO, STOP!”
She closed her eyes, already knowing what was coming,waiting for the inevitable impact-
The rush of wind was halted with such speed that she sworeshe heard a little thunder clap. But, other than that, she felt nothing.
Sucking in a deep breath, she slowly opened one eye,squinting at the green blob hanging an inch from her nose. The relief floodingthrough her left her bones feeling like jelly – not too dissimilar to the gloopysubstance she knew to be held within the water balloon’s thin shell, carefully mixedwith a kind of dye that took a week to wash out – but she managed to staymostly upright as she staggered back a few steps from the hanging balloon.Following the string it was attached to with her gaze, she saw the hand holdingit firmly in place and, following the hand up a dark-skinned arm, she found itattached to a blank-faced Karin-sensei.
“Clear up this mess and get to your classes. Now.”
---
The halls grew quiet, as they slowly walked away from thefrantically apologetic students and she was thankful for it, because shedefinitely didn’t want anyone to hear them talk.
“You were going to let her get hit by that balloon, weren’tyou?”
Hinata glanced at her with those huge, terribly innocenteyes of hers. “If she payed more attention in her classes, she would have beenable to dodge it.”
She snorted, but still had to bite her own lip to keep thesmirk concealed. “I can’t believe I’ve got the reputation as the scary teacher,when you can go around pulling shit like that and still be everyone’s favourite.”
“Are you jealous?” God, that quietly confident air Hinataheld around herself like an aura was just devastating.
Trying to play off her embarrassment – and slight horniness,they were in the workplace after all – Karin said, “As long as they take mylessons seriously, I don’t care if they like me or not.” Which wasn’t true atall; as much of a pain as some of them could be, there was a kind of fulfilmentand excitement that she got from teaching that she’d never had in her entiretime as a shinobi.
She just had a bad case of resting bitch-face and was alittle awkward around kids was all.
And at this point, she didn’t want to ruin her reputation.
Feather-light fingers trailed up her spine, leaving trailsof ticklish skin in their wake, even through her shirt. “Don’t worry, you’ll alwaysbe my favourite.”
Red to her ears, she snapped her head away from hergirlfriend so that she couldn’t see how happy that comment had just made her.Practically feeling the grin pointed at her back, she made a show of looking ather watch and muttering an excuse about having tests to score before her nextclass started and, with a short goodbye and a light peck to her cheek, sheswiftly marched down the hall.
Hinata grabbed her hand before she could get very farhowever, easily pulling her back and gently bringing her down enough that theirlips could meet in a brief kiss. “I’m taking you out somewhere nice tonight; I’llpick you up at eight.”
“So bossy,” she murmured, biting at her lip lightly beforepulling away. With a bashful grin and slightly wobbly legs, she managed to get halfwaydown the hall before soft words halted her in her tracks.
“Wear that suit I like, the one with the purple flowers onit.”
“Fine, but you better not show up wearing a ratty old hoodieagain! You might not have any standards, but I do.”
---
#ictoan writes#hinakarin#hinata hyuga#karin#naruto#ictoan answers#THISSSS SHIPPPPP#I LOOOOOVEEEEEEEEEEEE#also hina giving off that Strong Top Energy bc i say so#thank you for my life nonny!#Anonymous
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Chapter 79
“Are you sure about this dress?” you ask Alison worriedly even before making it out of the department store revolving door and onto the street.
“I swear, woman,” she moans under a sigh. “What are we going to do with you? It looked great. Dave won’t be able to keep it in his pants. Same for Chris.”
“What do you mean?” you say way too quickly.
“It’s not exactly a secret,” she replies casually. “It’s pretty obvious what’s going on.”
You stop dead in the middle of the busy sidewalk, clutching the handle of your shopping bag so tightly that it feels as though it’s cutting into your fingers.
“What’s obviously going on?” Your voice waivers, causing you to sound terribly worried and a little angry.
Alison continues walking several steps before she realizes she’s now alone. Turning around slowly, she looks at you apologetically.
“I’m sorry, I guess that sounded pretty accusatory and kind of shitty, didn’t it?”
“Well… no…” you suddenly feel overwhelmed and helpless.
“Sounds like we need to talk about more than dresses.” She scans the street and, spying what she is looking for, beckons with one bag-laden arm to follow. “There’s a Starbucks ahead on the corner. Let’s take a break and chat.”
Sliding into a crumb-filled seat in a booth opposite Alison, you stare at her through the steam wafting from the top of your Venti hot chocolate topped with marshmallows and whipped cream. She cautiously looks back over her chai latte with almond milk and takes a deep breath.
“What do you want to know,” she asks.
“I want to know what you think is going on.”
She hesitates, takes a sip of her latte, and then locks eyes with you.
“I think Chris is in love with you and he wants you to split up with Dave.”
Your mouth drops open in utter shock.
“Hear me out. I apologize if I’m wrong, but have you not noticed the way he looks at you? He can’t keep his eyes off of you. Every time I look at him, he’s dialed in. I know you two got pretty close while you were in Austin and that you stayed with him after Dave and the rest of us flew back to California. I’ve known Shifty a long time. He has feelings for you.”
Eyes shifting to your cup, you take a cautious sip before looking back at Alison.
“It’s complicated,” you confess as she frowns.
“Has he said anything to you?”
“We went for a walk on the beach the other morning to catch up. We hadn’t really spoken since Austin. He told me about Cara leaving, and… and then he confessed that he was ashamed to say that he was hoping things between Dave and I weren’t going well, that maybe he and I could be together. And…” Unable to continue, you take another sip of cocoa and press both lips together, taking a deep breath and staring at the table.
“You don’t have to tell me all this if you don’t want to,” she offers. “But I’m also glad to listen if you do.”
Tears well up in your eyes as you look back across the table at your new friend. It’s funny; you’d known Andrea and Kelly for so many years and didn’t trust either of them any further than you could throw them and yet you trust Alison, whom you’d spent just a few days with, like a sister.
“He told me he is completely in love with me, that he has been since Austin - he danced with me and I cried on his shoulder while I was watching Dave with Rose. I was so hurt and he was so angry at Dave. We kissed in the hall to make my friends jealous and then later he pulled me into a linen closet down the hall and…”
Her eyes grow as big as saucers.
“It didn’t go THAT far,” you laugh through the now flowing tears. “I stopped him. I reminded him how much it would hurt Cara. Lot of good that did. But on the beach, he kissed me. And I kissed him back - just for a few seconds - but I kissed him back. He means the world to me, Ali. I am so confused. I think I might be in love with them both.”
Ali heaves a sigh, one hand sliding to the back of her neck and the other cradling her chin as she stares blankly at the floor, trying to think of a solution.
“How the fuck does a nobody like me stumble across Dave fucking Grohl in a hotel lobby and then end up in a love triangle with two members of the Foo Fighters that could potentially break them up and end a friendship 20 years in the making? This is just ridiculous!”
Alison bursts out laughing but quickly covers her mouth with one hand. You follow her lead.
“Am I right? It’s just completely laughable. And yet so real and horribly painful.”
She quickly straightens up and drops one hand to the table. “Does he know you aren’t sure what to do?”
“Yes. And no. I’ve admitted to him that there is something there, but I’ve told him that I am in love with Dave and that I want to stay with him.”
“Dave knows about the closet in Austin.” Alison’s eyes grow huge again. “But that was before we were officially together. He doesn’t know about the kiss on the beach. Obviously. He trusts me. After what Jordyn did to him, I couldn’t bear to let it happen to him again. It would kill him.”
Ali grows silent and, after a moment, serious. “Your secret is safe with me. I can understand your confusion. They’re both amazing men. I know you have zero confidence in yourself, but they’re both right to be smitten with you. You’re pretty amazing yourself.”
You wipe sloppily at your face as new tears begin spilling down your cheeks and splashing on the table. “What am I going to do?!” you blubber helplessly.
“I obviously can’t tell you that.” She sounds sympathetic and at the same time, stern. “You’re going to have to make up your own mind. You’re going to have to follow your gut and your heart. And you’re going to have to come to terms with the fact that no matter what you do, it’s going to hurt everyone in one way or another. I’m not saying that to be a bitch and I’m not saying you’re to blame for any outcome. I just didn’t know if you’d thought about that. No matter what happens, someone is going to get hurt. I’m mentioning this because, while this is not your fault, its the position you’ve been put in. You can’t base your decision on how it will affect others. You have to do what you feel is right rather than what’s easy.” She pauses and frowns at the window before looking back at you. “Does that make sense? Or do I just sound like a jerk? It’s no one’s fault. It just… happened.”
“I feel like I just want to hop a plane back to the island and lock myself away forever.”
“You can’t run away this time, Pen. You can’t. These guys won’t let you.”
You stare miserably back. “Why can’t you just tell me what to do?” you plead, half joking, half serious.
She smiles sympathetically. “I will say this. You can take it for whatever it’s worth, if anything. I’ve known them both for a long time. Dave adores you. You two have been through a lot in the short time since you’ve met - had a lot of ups and downs - and you’re still together. From what I’ve observed, you two have a chemistry that is beyond physical. You guys seem genuinely happy just being together, no matter what you’re doing. He missed you something terrible when he had to leave you in Austin. He wanted you to go home with him so bad, he was in tears on the plane. From the second that bird took off he was scheming on how he could see you again as soon as possible. That’s when he started talking about flying out to North Carolina to surprise you. I’ve never seen him like that before. With anyone. You guys are just so… organic. It’s like you were made for each other. On the other hand - and this is based solely on what you have told me and what I have observed - you and Chris seem to have a serious physical chemistry going on. Kissing in the hall, the linen closet entanglement, the kiss on the beach… do you feel an emotional connection with him like you do with Dave? I know you haven’t spent as much time with Chris, but do you feel that connection at all? You don’t have to answer me, it’s just something else to consider.”
Taking a gulp of your cooling hot chocolate and mushing a couple of mini-marshmallows around with your tongue, you slowly begin to process some of what Alison’s just presented.
“That’s a lot more to think about. I mean, it’s something I haven’t really thought about before. It’s helpful. Thank you.” You wipe your eyes once more and look at her gratefully. “I still have tons to think about, though.”
“You absolutely do. But if you need an ear to bend, or if there is anything I can do to help, will you let me know? We haven’t been friends long, but I consider you one of my best. I love you and I’d do anything for you.” She gives you her beautiful winning smile and you can’t help but smile back, grateful to and for such a gracious friend.
-----
While finishing your coffee and cocoa, Dave texts to let you know that filming is complete for the morning and that it is safe for you and Alison to return to the hotel suite whenever you get ready. A shivering Pat is having a cigarette outside, and at the sight of you, abandons his smoke, relieves Alison of some of her shopping bags and accompanies you upstairs. He cautiously opens the door and the three of you file quietly inside. Dave had said that he’d finished filming, but the remaining band and crew members were softly talking and milling around, so you all three carried on as such.
You catch sight of Dave, Bonnie Raitt, Buddy Guy and Butch Vig standing in the next room talking and Dave smiles and excuses himself when he sees you. Swiftly he steps around the group, gives you a huge grin and mouths “oh my god” enthusiastically while discreetly pointing over his shoulder at the group. You can’t help but giggle.
“Are you that excited to meet Butch?” you tease as he gives you a quick kiss.
“Ha. Ha. Buddy is fucking amazing. Bonnie is too, but Buddy… god, that was incredible.” He looks so excited and happy. It’s infectious. “You guys have fun? Any luck shopping?”
“I bought a little something you might like,” you say coyly. “Well, Alison said you’d like it. Let’s hope she’s right.”
“She looks gorgeous in it,” Ali comments from the sofa where she’s landed with Pat and Taylor, “but you can’t tell her that. She’d have bought nothing if I hadn’t been there.”
Dave gives you a small, knowing smile and shakes his head slightly. “Do I get to see later?”
“It’s your money,” you tease, making him roll his eyes and grin.
“Hey, do you guys want to meet…? “ he points excitedly into the other room where Butch, Buddy and Bonnie are having an animated conversation.
Ali lets out a hushed but sarcastic “DUH!” as she and Taylor hop up to join you and Dave for introductions.
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im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered!
so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER? over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt, FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!!
makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you’d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this.
yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess.
And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason.
i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!! i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted, i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering
#yolanda talks#stories are much simpler. stories make sense and nothing complicates the narrative. but shits happen in life and things dont make sense#and you have to deal with it??? all the shit about yourself that makes sense? all that shit makes for shitty stories?#lmao............
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lgbt books i read, 2018 edition I guess. I didn’t include shit that everyone knows like Bechdel or Sarah Waters or even some more popular YA books because the list is long enough and those are already mentioned everywhere else. Or red sister because the first book didn't have enough gays to warrant inclusion and i haven't read the second one.
No one ever does this but if you want content warnings for a specific book DM me or send an ask.
also again, more lesbians than anything else.
2017
2016
All Good Children by Dayna Ingram: If you read a single book in this list let it be this. Unless you’re upset easily then maybe not because this book is surprisingly dark, though not gratuitous on page-violent it’s still pretty upsetting.
anyway that said this book is great only one on this list i have a 5 stars to. The plot is really hard to explain without it sounding stupid so I won’t risk it. It’s a dark dystopian, you follow 3 pov characters and they’re all great and so well written. 2/3 are lesbians. Please read it. N ONE KNOWS THIS BOOK BUT ITS SO GOOD. ! I wanna reread it now instead of writing the rest of this post.
Assume Nothing by Leanne Franson: I’m including this because I literally never heard about it? It has less than 20 ratings on goodreads as of writing this. It’s a autobiographic graphic novel about a bi woman about stuff in her life from discovering her sexuality, to finding a strip of human skin in her apartment. It’s alright.
(series) The Wall of Storms by Ken Liu: it’s a Chinese based epic fantasy with gay characters of varying importance. This is the second in the series which you could read first if you really wanted to as it’s set a large chunk of time after the first book. Also the first book is much more straight and barely has female characters. It’s still good though as far as those things go. I’m not a huge fan of the f/f relationship in the second book involving two main characters but it’s there. Also Zomi is great as are all the other female characters.
Afterparty by Daryl Gregory: the main thing you need to know about this book is that it exists and has a lesbian main character. I didn’t believe the latter until I read it since no one ever talks about it having a lesbian main character even though it’s a fairly well known book. Anyway, this is a book about uhhh drugs and religion. Listen I can’t do the plot justice it’s really weird but really good.
(series) The Traitor Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickinson: If you're a. into fantasy or b. into lesbian books you probably heard of this. You also probably heard it’s very tragic. You heard right. Anyway this is a high fantasy about economics which is also pretty tragic in itself when you think about it.
Ice Massacre by Tiana Warner: Technically a series but I didn’t like the 2nd book so much and dropped it. I loved the first one enough that I still want to put it there though. Most people don’t seem to mind the rest of the series either so don’t let me stop you - especially if you like YA. This is a story about mermaid who kill humans and humans who kill mermaids, and also humans and mermaids who wanna do neither because they’re in love. yeah. Mostly it’s about some teens stuck on a ship having a really lousy time though. It’s great.
Nevada by Imogen Binnie: This isn’t a book about uh. It’s about....Okay it’s a very flow of consciousness ... “story” about a trans woman's life as she....lives her life. She has a lot of thoughts about a lot of things and she’s smart and funny and mostly she’s depressed so if you are also depressed you go like yeah. And if you aren’t depressed you probably still go yeah because her opinions and observations are pretty good. You probably don’t think you’Ll like it which is fair because I didn’t think I would until I read it and did.
Click by Sara Marx: I read this because I was looking at a list of indie lesbian books and I was like “my girlfriend is called Sarah and Marx was a pretty cool dude ill read her book”. It’s..uh. A drama? crime? story. It’s alright. which is more than I can say for most other super indie lesbian books.
Sabine by A. P.: this is fucking weird. Listen I’ll recc this only to people who really like weird gothic-y pretentious stuff that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. It’s a boarding school story..with possibly lesbian vampires. It’s written in a way you’Ll either love or hate check the first page and you’ll understand immediately if this book is for you.
(series) Criminal Gold by Ann Aptaker: this is a noir crime story with a butch lesbian protag. this sentence tells you everything you need to know about it. The writing was competent and the characters believable and interesting (which is again, more than I can say about most indie lesbian stuff I read). It’s a series but it would work as standalone, I haven’t read the rest yet though I intend to.
INSEXTS by Marguerite Bennett: just read my review for the first volume it’s short I don’t want to retype all that. Thanks.
Theft by B.K. Loren this is literary fiction with a lesbian main character which i felt i was too young to appreciate. beautiful writing. Mostly about loss and growing up, if it sounds up your alley check it out. I think if it was more well known it’d win awards and shit it feels like that kind of book. I felt under equipped to appreciate it so I hope other people do.
Silk by Caitlín R. Kiernan: Half of the cast is lgbt. They’re like...a bunch of goth and punk young adults..and there may or may not be angels. It’s...horror I suppose. Mostly it’s confusing. I don’t know if I recommend this book exactly but im including it in case anyone does read it so they can explain to me what the point was.
Passing Strange by Ellen Klages This is a book about lesbians in 1940 new york. there is some magic and there is art. Also beautifully written. It’s just over 100 pages though so I won’t say anymore lest it get’s longer than the actual book.
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Omg, sorry I keep spamming your askbox but yr content is sooo gooood. Of course dialog prompts 8 &10 DrayxSelma, and! OC #19 for Laurie, #40 for Selma...
Hey it is all cool! I have so much fun doing these!! Send any many as you want!!!
“ I see you still have that mutt with ya. Eheh here I thought you would’ve re-homed it. Poor thin’ looked skin and bones when I found it.”
Selma listened to Drayton’s remark, her fingers coursed through her pooches’ thick coat. How the pup pranced in place, just so happy to be there. Peering up at the man, as she remained on her knees leveled with the dog.
“ I couldn’t part with her. Once you gave her to me-- I tried to drop her off to another family after feedin’ her as much as i could (she liked my cookin’ surprisingly!), but she followed after me. I got very attached and my heart won’t let her go. Every time I think ‘bout it I get too emotional for my own damn good.”
Planting many kisses on the dog’s black and white furry forehead. Returning to her feet she gazed at the cook. That bright smile faded.
“ I-I am doin’ the right thin’, right?? I just love her so. She seems happy.”
“ There ain’t nothin’ wrong in keepin’ her, she had no family. No collar, no name. She would’ve probably wind up dead if it weren’t for us findin’ her. What did ya end up callin’ her?”
The reassurance soothed her, she didn’t want any selfish behaviors to cloud her judgement. She had a huge fondness for the canines and it has been over ten years since her last hound dog.
“ Dallas, it just fit. It felt right.”
“ Well Dallas is welcome ‘round here then. It’s been many years since we’ve had a dog on these lands. I grew up with a great big one named Butch. I was ‘round eight years old. He was grandpaw’s dog. Earned it’s keep by keepin’ trespassers off the farm and kept wild animals away from the cows and sheep.”
Listening to his stories were always a treat. There was a lot to him she didn’t know and certainly wanted to. Drayton Sawyer was a mystery and she never got tired of hearing his voice.
“ These creatures just fascinate me.”
“ Well I am glad ya like her, you stopped over at the right time. I would’ve been lost on what to do if it weren’t for ya. Heh.”
Selma took it as a compliment and she felt her face flush. Her ears felt so warm. Watching him interact with her new found companion made her heart skip. He was absolutely gentle with her, playing with her to an extent, while chuckling away. Dallas enjoyed his company too, her tail wagging violently.
“ Get it, girl, get it! Go get it!”
He chanted waving a stick before the pup’s wide eyes. Tossing it and watching her leap after it. Hand shielding his old tired eyes from the sun. It was moments like these that she just wished would never end.
“ I’ve been waitin’ a long time......but Mr. Sawyer--- I mean Drayton. Would you like to go on a date with me? I’d offer ya to come on over to my home and I’d cook ya somethin’, but to be honest with ya. I ain’t the best cook. I can make a few things, not much. It would be very insultin’ to ya-- being a cook and all.”
“ Huh? Well....I’m hesitant in acceptin’ your invitation-- you just don’t wanna get mixed up with me. But for now...I....uh how ‘bout I cook somethin’ for ya and bring it to your home? How’s that sound?”
She chewed at her bottom lip expecting rejection at full force, but this time he seemed to ponder on it and gave her a chance. While warning her. Batting her eyes it finally hit her, he agreed. Her face instantly lit right up.
“ Sounds wonderful! Oh I am so excited. You just don’t know that you’ve made me the happiest girl in the world. It’ll be a wonderful evenin’!”
Out of the corner of his eyes he watched her bounce her heels, the happiness written all over her like she was an open book. This eased whatever feeling he had in the pit of his stomach. Motioning her near.
“ Oh c’mere you.”
Arms wrapped around her, pulling her into an embrace.
OC QUESTIONS:
19.What does their relationship with their family look like? Are they close? Distant? Ect.
Laurie has a rough relationship with her adopted family. Her adopted father was constantly working and being a politician made him become a strict father. She has absolutely no control in her life choices. It drove her mad. Her adopted mother was more involved due to being a teacher herself, Laurie bonded with her the most. Though learning she was adopted made her grow distant and try to figure out who he real parents were. Her biological father died when she was a year old from a house fire and her mother was sent to an institution(being accused of the fire, even though there was no proof)- but recently released and she has gone to Mississippi several times to form a relationship. At this point in time she is very distant with her adopted parents since she moved to Texas. But she is attempting to build something with her mother.
40.If I wanted to draw them, what would be distinct physical features that I would have to know to draw them correctly?
For Selma uuuh definitely her shape, she is a chubbier woman. Her nose, it’s larger than most, rounder too and her gap between her front teeth.
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