#just wish my brain would understand that

[cosmos-fudge]

[idk what this counts as. cw for intrusive thought patterns I guess??]

Me: *Peacefully trying to sleep*

my brain: hey if you dont say how you're gonna wake up a billion times you'll die :D. hey if you dont do [thing] you'll die :D. hey if you dont write down what you would want to say to everyone you know if you died you'll die :D. hey if you say anything about not waking up or wanting to die, even in jest, you'll die :D

#UGGGHHH #I"M SO TIRED #BRAIN JUST LET ME SLEEP YOU LITTLE PRICK #fuck this #fuck my brain #but like I will be fine #just wish my brain would understand that #just in case -> #ocd #vent #tw intrusive thoughts #idk if I have ocd but still #just if someone has tags filtered ig #also by billion times I mean different phrasings in 2s. #its 3:30 AM for me rn #which isnt too late for me #but still

[rolandapostatize]

cannot get over how theodore 7th time loop is written actually. 13 year old's suicidal tendencies resolved by having polite conversation with the person he loves most and whom he was doing all that for, and who has never before in his life clearly communicated with him at all, and who due to his own emotional immaturity decided that the best way to protect his desperate younger brother is to never talk to him and act as terrifying as possible around him. one unwell child eliminating another unwell child's problems, that he was contributing to, in a single conversation

like i cant get over how quickly the conflict was introduced and resolved.

#v*ncent n*ghtray is crying in my brain as i write this #not to say that that was his exact situation he just lives in my brain so that subplot reminded me of him #i just wish 7th time loop was more fucked up and better written. like arnold is gonna commit patricide in a few years #youd think thered be some atmospheric tension regarding the complete absence of his father in the plot (when we know hes right there in the #same palace) #im just imagining a version of it thats more fucked up and better written and also with less generic alternate-europe worldbuilding #generally when i fing myself wishing a story was more fucked up i do stop to consider that maybe thats my fault and im expecting it to be #something it isnt. and that fair on its own #however the writing IS bad - disregarding my own preferences #and i suppose its just that when im thinking of how it could be better my preferences affect my ideas #however if i WAS well written - just not to my tastes - my brain would not be complaining about it #also the economics in this show are so nothing. like again no effort put in. i struggle with understanding money related concepts #all the time but even i can see that

[chiropteracupola]

I like when books have Maps and Charts in them and I think that all books should have such things.

and books which already have them? I think they should have More Maps and Charts.

#em is posting about temeraire #I do not know Where anything is or Who anyone is or What anything is and hypothetically these things should be explained by the book #but also I would like a Little Help and Visual-Spatial Understanding #what I am wishing for at this time is a Big Fucking Brick of a Book which has Maps and Illustrations and Scale Drawings #which. I do have one of those for the aubreyad and that's how I got informed about ***** ******** ***** ** * ******** ******** #so it is not entirely a Good and Fun thing to have one of those #but also I have 'if it's bigger than a horse I can't conceptualize it well' kind of brain which is Hard with both ships and dragons #hey waitaminute I just remembered the fact that my very second piece of Polished aubreyad art (circa 2020) has dragons in it #y'know what lacking this maybe I will try to go back to the Very Scary Bookstore sometime soonishly #and see if they still have that copy of the hornblower companion... hardly anyone goes into that bookstore so I think they very well might #(very nearly everything about that bookstore frightens me but they have really neat stuff there! real copy of porto bello gold! #the hornblower editions with the scratchboard covers! lynd-ward-illustrated master of ballantrae!)

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#aye. in another life i would have loved to be an illustrator #i dont like to do digital tho and i dont wanna b a starving artist and i like science too much #but it would make me so hsppy if i was allowed to draw all day everyday #forever and ever drawing #but nooo i wanted to get a phd in microbial evolution. and im procrastinating working on my preproposal #literally doing anything to not work on it. i coulf have been a illustrator. an endocrinologist. a neurobiologist. a paleontologist. but i #chose microbial ecologist then thought no fuck ecology and went for photosynthetic mechanisms #bc i do love my lil cyanos and i do love Microbiology. i love those underapprecated lil guys #the world is so big and beautiful and all i wanna do is understand. but my stupid brain doesnt work right and ive burried my wonder for so #long i wonder if ill ever have it back. i was reading a bunch of lil notes i wrote this semester and i go from #everything is so beautiful i cant stand it. there are angels in the sunbeams and they feel like healing. to im the world around me is #warping beyond my control. i cant feel any joy. my head is sending me terrible ideas but im not even scared. it feels inevitable #but last week i was so full of energy i couldnt sleep. nothing changed but the chemicals in my head #hopefully next semester will b better and i can stop feeling like damaged goods and feel bad fro my advisor #for having to deal with me. hes v nice and has a bip0lar brother so he's sympathetic but i wish he didn't have to b #i want to stop fantasizing about being something else and just focus on being better at what i am #but im such a pathological perfectionist that its so difficult to make any progress. but whatever ive been feeling alright for the #past week or so. hopefully that carries through. and maybe somedsy i can illustrate something for my precious baby cyanobacteria #unrelated

[egoarc4de]

ant mill wip #1536 so i can talk in the tags

#without context this is just some guy I KNOW but i promise it's scout. maybe not THE scout but A scout. #my scout. not an oc scout but the scout from my little story #one of many scouts i guess #i am not sure if this will ever see the light of day because it's so removed from being like. canon/fanon recognisable #BUT. but. i am actually trying to do perspective #i wish i could transfer my brain into a 100k novel so u could understand the context but. #just know i am thinking powerthoughts. if you could see it u would think it was so cool #smoking out the bay windows... top floor of a three decker... the only sibling at the new place... BLARGHHH #sorry #youll have to excuse me #ok . #might uhhhh might. #if this disappears it's bc i got lucid #ant mill is the weird placeholder name i am using to refer to this au! the more you know #need to digitise some of the engies in my planner.... hes my favourite hoohooheehee #i have the opposite of same face syndrome bc i have no concept of consistency. #also depends what tools im using! painting is very different from lineart #NOTE TO SELF : face dip cheekbone forward

[blackkatmagic]

Ah yes, the only two possible types of writers: neurotypical or ADHD.

#wow today is a salt day all around apparently #anyway #i wish tumblr would remember that there are other types of nd people #we come in more flavors than just adhd my dudes #just. there's a lack of inclusion in a lot of nd spaces already #and seeing posts about how anyone who says x is nuerotypical and just Doesn't Understand The Nuerodivergent Experience #when what they mean is 'doesn't have adhd' #is so frustrating #my brain is broken! I'm not nuerotypical! i still create and am a part of fandom! #it's just. annoying #i struggle a lot with my bpd #getting told i may as well be nuerotypical because i don't fit the neat little box tumblr has decided is the only acceptable form of mental #illness is just. tiresome. exhausting. i am exhausted #kat rants #mental illness

[soldier-poet-king]

Y'all ever start crying uncontrollably for literally no discernable reason

#franposting #anyway sorry. hope everyone is enjoying crab day #im just???? went from fine to bawling in my grandmother's bathroom in a span of 30 min #over a picture of hands. another of dancing. the thought of a foil and mirror and understanding #i am so sick with it. and with myself. and with the wanting #and idek what i want. i just know i cant have any of it #and it doesnt really matter at all. whether im unhappy. it never has and never will. #thats not my purpose. i just wish my brain and heart would get the memo #i think i am going to go home and wreck my wrists knitting. if i can tear myself apart physically for the sake of others #maybe it will even out

[bo0zey]

Did I miss "back from the war" recreation or is that not happening

OK so i've been meaning to address this for a while because it’s actually something i've been genuinely annoyed/sad/upset about; my original plan to recreate the post was to go to riot fest & have someone take pics of me during MCR live in person (caption wouldve been something like ‘when will mcr--omg they;re Back from the Warfdskns’ lol idk). i ended up 2nd row from the barrier & i was like OMG bc i didn’t expect to get so close & i was like ‘WOW these r gonna b such GR8 PICTURES!!i;m so lucky!!this is gENIUS!’ & so my plan was literally going according to/even better than planned right?? i mean the fact that i was ~a few feet away from the stage n was ~1.5hrs away from seeing mcr LIVE??? my plan was going along SUSPICIOUSLY well..everything was falling into place TOO perfectly...it was almost to good to be true right??? IT WAS. everything went to shit & my plan fell thru during the last band before MCR when my body suddenly fell victim to the effects of being crowd crushed for >7 hours straight; i experienced syncope & was pulled over the barrier & out of the pit by security.

sooooo, you didn’t ‘miss’ anything; the post was supposed to be recreated at the concert, but the universe pulled an uno-reverse on me when it remembered i’m on the universal ‘Do Not Ever Allow to Be Truly Happy’ list lol. i meant to post an update abt my failed plan afterwards, but tbh the actual event in itself made me wanna fr kms, and i felt even guiltier/worse for being unable to fulfill my promise to u all bc i fr planned on recreating it at the concert. 'ok but u were still at the concert after u got pulled out’ ok physically yes but mentally N-Ooo. due to the hypoxia (lack of blood blow/oxygen to the brain) i’d obtained secondary to being crowd crushed PLUS the psychological trauma of being removed against my living breathing dying will from the pit (btw the psychological trauma has nothing to do with being crowd-crushed but im not gonna get into that turmoil rn lol), i was stuck in an altered mental state for the remainder of the concert. i was dissociated for mcr’s entire set until i woke up the next morning & it took ~3-4 days for my body to fully recover from the physical trauma of being crowd crushed.

i still plan on recreating the post eventually, but tbh it’s not rlly my top priority atm bc 1) i still can’t come to terms w/ the fact i lost my 1 n only chance to experience MCR live & 2) imo seeing MCR live was the perfect opportunity to recreate the post & that clearly didn’t work out for me sooo now i have no idea how else i can top that idea :( .

#i have an idea but i’m not sure if it’ll work...imma need mcr 2 pull thru n meet me halfway on this 1 lol #anywyas i h8 talking abt riot fest i feel like every1 h8s me whining abt it too lol #i was so angry and upset with the world and myself. i really tried so hard to stay conscious; #ppl were asking if i was ok & i kept nodding yes because i didn’t want to be pulled out of the pit bc #then i’d lose my spot + my ONLY chance to see MCR live & so up close. #next thing i know i’m being pulled over the barrier by security and WHOOSH into dissociationville i go. #they were too much for my brain to handle so i’d just fall back even more into that weird dissociated state #i honestly would have preferred to not have even attended the concert. like HONESTLY 100% deadass i wish i didnt even go. #like imagine urself in my shoes lol i went from being 2nd row from the stage to like 70000 rows away. #yall dont understand how awful it is to have such a golden opportuntiy to be 1 hr n a few feet away from the band who saved u #to having it all ripped away from u in literally a matter of seconds #if i’d just stayed home my 12y/o little wouldn’t have had to experience the psychological trauma of having everything to having nothing. #my 15/16 year old teen wouldnt have had to re-live the experience of realizing there’s nothing left #in this world to comfort/protect/save her OR her childself #22 year old me realizing i failed them and all the other parts of me. i cant be happy i cant have shit in this world #i couldnt have my mom but at least i had mcr right??? nope lol that got ripped out of my fingertips too #i cant even begin to describe the emotional damage/psychological blow the situation had on me bc like #i cant even put it into words and i know nobody will truly understand/believe me when i say how heartbreaking & detrimental this #situation was for my already fucked up psyche. or they’ll think im exaggerating but its like u dont get it #ive lost so many things and people i spent my entire childhood/adolescence maladaptive daydreaming. #at age 12 mcr became my escapism for ~4yrs straight bc they were the only thing that made me happy #while all the other ppl in the real world in my day to day life were making me wanna kms everyday #like ik it sounds extreme/dramatic but ??? i mean i dont even fully understand my reaction tbh. #i think its just mcr used to be my happy place n then i get to see them live and its just an absolute nightmare #and the fact that i was dissociated from their concert when they used to be the only thing to keep me grounded to this earth??? #truly i wish i didnt even go like i cant even listen to their music anymore without wanting to crawl out of my skin #when the only thing that made u feel alive made u feel deader than ever inside....yeahhhhh not fun!! #its a heartsinking feeling i hate it so much i wish i had a doever #mcr #when will mcr return from the war

[dandyshucks]

me feeling bad about being unaligned with binary gender and then i think about how Guz would just Get It right off the bat because honestly idk how it's such a hard concept for ppl to grasp 😭 and it makes me feel a little better fdsfjkl

#i feel bad sometimes like oohh ur such a special snowflake for not being feminine OR masculine oooh u wanna be special so bad #no you Made-Up-Person-in-my-Brain. no i dont want to be special actually fdsjkl #i really wish this was just normal. i so badly want to just be normal #honestly i start thinking ''maybe i should just be okay with being considered feminine or masculine. i should just pick one i guess'' #but no !! neither fit right !! both make me uncomfortable !! #i do understand the concepts of both but i exist outside of them somehow! and idk why thats so difficult for ppl to grasp! #it is just a little lonely seeing posts talking about ''feminine ppl or masculine ppl'' like. okay i dont fit either of those. damn. #and it feels alienating bc i guess ppl dont know unaligned folk exist! transneutral is such a rare label to see talked about! #''this is nonbinary inclusive bc im saying masculine and feminine :)'' WHAT IS SO HARD TO GRASP ABOUT NON-BINARY. ITS RIGHT IN THE NAME! #why are u re-inventing the gender binary !!!!!! u just changed the words ur using for binary gender WHAT 😭😭😭 #i think maybe i resent that i have to force myself into one category or the other for other ppls comfort tbh fdsjkl like. can i just exist. #but i do think Guz would genuinely just understand it immediately. not just because i Want him to LOL. #he'd be like ''ohhh theres a word for that? hell yeah that rules. i'll have to see if a few of the grunts heard about this shit yet'' #bc im sure there'd be a wide range of queer kids on the team LOL #if u get a bunch of misfits together ur going to have like... a LOT of queer ppl in the group FDSJFKL #dandy.cmd #vent // #💜so good at being in trouble

[obstinatecondolement]

My sister was saying "You should write that idea for a novel about [REDACTED] that you had a while ago for NaNo. I think that could be really fun" and I was like oh yeah! I remember we got a kick out of that one. And then, after a pause, had be like... could you remind me what the plot was again? Because litearlly all I could remember was that it had been funny At The Time and involved [REDACTED].

It was like when my mum reads a book and strongly recommends it to me the day after she finishes it, but can't remember any of the characters names or what happened, but it was definitely very good and I should read it so we can talk about it!

Except this was a story I made up myself and devoted not an insignificant amount of thought to, and then never committed any of what I came up with to the page because it was still early stages and I would "remember" what my initial ideas were 🙄

#fortunately my sister did remember enough that it kickstarted my brain and I remembered #but jesus christ... #how many perfectly good ideas have I squandered because I didn't think I would forget about them? #it's one thing not ever writing stuff I had ideas for because of y'know *gestures towards my general inability to follow through on things* #but actually forgetting ideas entirely feels much worse #I miss having an eidetic memory :( #but also I kind of wish I'd never had it because I never developed the habit of writing things down to remember them #until WELL into adulthood #because I'd ever needed to for most of my life #I just remembered every single word I had ever read or heard and almost every idea I'd given more than passing thought to in perfect detail #as a child I'd get so angry about people getting single words of quotations wrong or misremembering minute details of conversations we'd ha #because I *did not understand* that they weren't just being sloppy and inexact #and that they really couldn't remember things the same way I could #I really did not understand that other people experienced the world differently to me at that age #when they contradicted what I believed to be universal truths I thought they were trying to upset me or make me feel bad about myself #like when my friend agreed with my parents that apple juice was nicer than orange juice (when no one could *really* believe that) #I fully felt that as a betrayal #and thought she was implicitly co-signing my parents to hurt me #and that the subtext of the criticism was that I was evil and self indulgent for not resisting the wicked temptations of orange juice #and never even trying to be virtuous and subject myself to apple juice #which was obviously not as nice but was the more moral and 'healthy' (which was the same things as moral) choice #oh christ this has gotten away from me... #I hate being triggered by dumb bullshit that brings me back to weird esoteric traumas from my youth #can I please stop being triggered by such embarrassingly trivial bullshit for five minutes???

[semercury]

Spent $5 on the digital remains, and I feel bad bc I'm anxious with money rn for understandable reasons, but ultimately I am glad I got it. The booklet was really neat to look through, and seeing crossed out lyrics and how the songs evolved is really special to me. Also the live tracks were fun to listen to, despite my headache.

#stuff sarah says #i want to crawl inside his brain and take a look around and understand the process #i want to have a long conversation with him about writing and the creative process #i probably never could. im too shy. and he has that midwest sarcastic avoidance aggressive type #and ive got that midwest sarcastic avoidance avoidant type #idk. this whole album is just really special to me #might have to see if i can burn a physical cd of it from the digital album and keep it in my car or smth #if i ever end up super financially stable i want to get a record player and as many records of theirs as i can #my oldest little cousin has one and listening to it made me want one. music just sounds nice on a record player #oh also listening to the live tracks made me wonder if ill ever be able to see them live #ive been to one (1) concert in my life when i was less anxious of a person and it was surprisingly roomy #ive seen videos of their concerts. everyones packed like sardines. everyones yelling (like on the tracks) #if i could guarantee it would be a good day i think id be fine #but like im im anxious that day or have a headache (my head is pounding rn...) like... #idk. maybe the adrenaline would make it go away #i remember talking to my mom about how they have shows near me in october but i didnt think i could go #bc of money + anxiety + other stuff and shes like well your birthday is in november #and its just like... i dont know what life will look like next month. much less october... #like i dont want to make plans and buy tickets and then have to cancel bc of a funeral or sudden changes you know? #anyway. the booklet is really cool #i wish they sold the journal by itself bc i really want that lol

[heartshattering]

they should invent a nighttime that doesn't make OCD worse

#at least it's not just me according to a quick search I did #but still ughhhhhh #I know what I need to do to cope but then when I'm in the moment it feels like I'm literally dying #I would get into more detail but explaining the stuff that goes through my head sounds so ridiculous like ????? #I know I already did [action] so there's no need for me to get out of bed and repeat it 20+ times before I let myself sleep! #I... I don't do that during the daytime... because that would feel ridiculous and irrational #but Nighttime Brain is like “you gotta” #don't try to reason with OCD because it Does Not Care! :') #the fact I'm able to recognize how ridiculous this is should be comforting #but like I said in the moment all my mind wants to do is convince me that tonight is the night I'm gonna die #and that it's all my fault and that I've ruined everything #I would not wish this on anyone #(except as a free trial to those people who say they want OCD when they don't really understand how much it sucks to deal with it) #sigh #anyway it's only 3 PM but I'm already dreading nighttime so that's why this popped into my mind #I'll be fine

[blueish-bird]

sorry if I don’t remember your name or conversations/experiences or basic things about myself, every few weeks my brain gets factory reset and I have to relearn how to be alive

#lighthearted but also serious bc what is going on here buddy #been feeling weird as hell these past few months #like I can remember some stuff… but it doesn’t feel normal to forget the names of anyone I haven’t seen/heard the name of in a few days #or forget about basic interests and personality traits and experiences and feel like a blank slate every day #idk like ultimately life goes on and I’m happy to live in the moment but it would be nice to understand why my brain is doing this #just thinking #meposting #I think my brain just. does this sometimes when I’m stressed. which is annoying #I recall (lmao) feeling similar during earlier parts of life so this isn’t *new* it’s just unexpected and much more disruptive as an adult #I’m feeling better about it than I was. after like. acknowledging it. bc my mind has not always felt like a sieve it isn’t always this bad. #whatever #I’ll tag as dissociation just in case it’s related/reminiscent and ppl don’t want to see that #dissociation #me and her go way back… haven’t seen each other in years though #she wasnt all bad! coping mechanisms can provide relief and a sense of safety #and as far as coping mechanisms go it’s not the most unhealthy. though it ranks high in ‘socially stunting’ #I kind of miss the distance sometimes to be honest everything’s just So Much all the time #I’m so solid now #so stuck in the ruts of capitalism #fuck capitalism #I wish my imagination didn’t feel so dulled #sorry I love talking #and I don’t miss dissociation when I feel mentally present because I feel so Here with the people and things I love but rn? #it’s like a lose-lose bc I am not Here nor am I untethered. I’m heavy yet hold nothing #I enjoy being dramatic/poetic about it — I feel pretty fine. I just hope this isn’t a permanent and/or long-term state of existence. #like it makes me awful at my job I went from remembering a solid amount of the student body’s names (built up over a few years) to. like 5. #overnight it felt like. like Stressful Thing happened and I went to work and I couldn’t remember anyone’s names. #can’t believe I have to start from fucking scratch AGAIN I’d be better off quitting and working at a different school #bc at least then my lack of knowledge/remembering is justified rather than strange and seemingly rude #I’m getting better now but at the beginning of this it was blue screen in my brain all the time

[sage-nebula]

I can understand having a preference for one type of pet over another, for a wide variety of reasons (e.g. allergies, what goes in to taking care of them, your lifestyle, etc) but I'll never understand people who hate a certain type of pet. Like self-professed cat people who say they hate dogs, or vice versa. I've had dogs my entire life, and I consider myself a dog person, but I do like cats, too. Why wouldn't I? They're soft and cute and do funny things sometimes. Even when it comes to pets that I don't find as interesting, like fish, I don't hate them. And even ones I'm legitimately scared of, like tarantulas . . . again, I don't hate them, I'm just afraid of them, just like I'm afraid of all arachnids. It's an irrational fear, but it's one deeply ingrained in me nonetheless.

Anyway.

I just don't understand when people are like "I hate cats" or "I hate dogs" . . . how can you hate an entire species of animal? Being allergic or afraid, okay, I can understand that. Even if I don't understand being afraid because you've been attacked before (I have been severely bitten by dogs and severely scratched up by cats), I'm afraid of arachnids even though I can't remember the last time I had a spider bite, so you know, fears are fears, you can't control them. But hate? I just don't understand it, man. Hate an individual animal, sure. Just like humans, individual dogs or cats can have bad temperaments and behaviors. But a whole species? When most of the individual animals in those species are so easily befriended? It just makes no sense to me. Again, I get having a preference for one pet over another, especially if the needs of one animal suit your lifestyle while the needs of another don't. But to hate a whole species . . . I will never understand.

#again i get phobias or traumas etc #like for instance i have trauma surrounding ants and roaches so if i see even ONE in my house it can trigger a panic attack #but that's a bit different than companion animals too - not that those can't be pets but like. idk. #i mean i DO know it's just . . . it's a little more understandable to me if someone has a problem with insects #versus if they have a problem with companion animals that are meant to be companion animals. but even then it's like #ok. i used to say ''i hate frogs and toads'' which might make me seem a hypocrite #but the truth is that i don't hate REAL frogs and toads. i hate ANIMATED / CARTOON ones #bc when the alt right was using pepe so much years ago my brain linked the two together & so even tho i know pepe's creator renounced them #the sight of him still makes me a little nauseous and it spread toward other frogs #(i also hate Greninja in particular for 1.) being gross and 2.) the behavior of Ash stans but that's another matter) #POINT IS - even with that distinction i never hated a whole species of animal. i just don't get that. even wasps i know DO have a purpose #and i never go out of my way to bother them. in fact i used to work in a house where they had an entire room of the house to themselves #we just didn't mess w/ them. but that's off-topic again #i just. idk. i consider myself a dog person but cats are also great #i just love animals. even the ones i'm afraid of i wish i could like #(and to be fair i do like some i'm healthily afraid of. like i love bears but if i saw a grizzly or polar bear coming for me) #(i would probably piss myself LMAO. i love them from a distance.) #anyway. animals are great. i love animals. more people should give animals a chance to be loved

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#it's so weird trying to describe yourself when u really aren't something u used to be #like until i was probably 21 or so id say i was shy. very very shy. but now im like was that even true? was i ever shy bc im not now #maybe i was just quiet and anxious. maybe thats just what being shy is. but im still both of those things but im not shy #im sorta like a hermit. i dont really go around ppl if i can avoid it but i dont hate being around ppl. its just that im less anxious when #im alone. but if u put me around ppl i like to talk to them so im not shy. ill say whatever. i dont really give a fuck #but if u throw me in a group i go back to being a non entity. i guess thats just being an introvert with an asocial streak #thats a thing i noticed while i was at the grad weekend i attended in march. the group would gather and do things while i kinda just #wandered away from them to poke at trees and sit in the snow. i dunno i just feel better away from ppl. my brain gets a lot louder if ive #been too social. which is a shame bc its interesting to watch ppl and understand how thry work #my friend came over to day goodbye before i leave next week. which was nice. i wish we would have hung out more in person but so it goes #and i think in my head im a lot more contained thst i actually am. like if u set me a task that becomes my focus but im also sorta all over #the place. partly bc i think my brain works on like a lag. and also my mood is a little elevated rn so im sorta like *jazz hands* and #talking too fast and too much and oversharing. yesterday i was instrucing an undergrad and felt so bad bc my brain was all over the place. #could not b made linear. im tired now tho bc theres nothing more draining than being emotionally honest and talking for like 2hrs. woof. it #so hot. like fucking so hot bc the monsoons have started and humidity is up so my swamp cooler is fucked and its gotta b at least 80 degree #inside my apartment. holy christ. and the temp has been over 100 degrees for like at least 2 weeks. its so hot its kinda alarming. and im #glad my friend was also freaked out by how hot its been bc oh god its hot. and i cant focus. ive done fuck all today. but i did get rid of #couch which is so so so great. ugh. someone make the sun stop making it so hot #unrelated #its been over 100 degrees outside for like 2 weeks. not on my apartment #and when i say i wish i spent more time with my friend irl. i mean it in a distant sort of way. like thats how im supposed to feel. like i #dont kno if thats actually what i feel or i kno im supposed to b social but idk if i actually mean it

[vivalamusaine]

I'm so neurodivergent that I can piss people off and make entire enemies without even trying (this isn't a flex, my inability to pick up on social cues is ruining my life)

#maybe i should just *** ****** #im not built for this world lmao #im literally just vibing and that makes people really mad and i wish i had the brain capacity to understand that and pick up on it #BEFORE people yell at me #the disability do be disabilitying #adhd #whats the point if even when i think im doing everything right people think im causing trouble on purpose #i truly think i have a face that makes people want to fight me #i dont get it. i wish i did. my life would be easier if i did but i dont get it #personal