den mother Tony from "oh don't you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me" AU excerpt:
“What?” Tony says in alarm, jerking his head up from the repulsor he was in the middle of fine-tuning. He thinks he just hallucinated something.
“We need you to babysit for this rut,” Darcy repeats from the other end of the video call. The sentence makes no more sense the second time around.
“No you don’t,” Tony says inanely. “Where’s Barton?”
“Home,” Darcy says.
"Rogers?"
"Mission with Natasha and Sam."
“Thor and Foster?”
“Off-planet.”
“Pepper?”
“Running your company.”
“. . . J.A.R.V.I.S.?”
“Tony,” Darcy says patiently. “Can you handle this or not?”
“What?” Tony sputters indignantly. “I can—absolutely I can handle this! I am more than capable of handling this!”
“Okay,” Darcy says. “We’ll drop the pups off in an hour, then.”
“Okay!” Tony says. “That’s fine. That works. I can handle that.”
“Thanks, Tony,” Darcy says, and hangs up. Tony panics.
“J.A.R.V.I.S.!” he says, dropping his tools. “What just happened?!”
“You agreed to babysit the children for the duration of Ms. Lewis’s upcoming rut, sir,” J.A.R.V.I.S. says. Tony panics further.
“They asked me to babysit?!” he says.
“Yes, sir.”
“On purpose?!”
“Apparently, sir.”
“Fuck!”
Tony does the reasonable thing, which is to call Pepper on the emergency frequency. She answers, looking alarmed.
“What’s wrong?!” she says.
“They want me to babysit!” Tony says frantically. Pepper . . . pauses.
“What,” she says.
“Babysit!” Tony repeats, gesturing wildly.
“Tony,” Pepper says with a clear lack of respect for the crisis level Tony is currently operating at. “I’m in the middle of a meeting.”
“I know,” Tony lies.
“J.A.R.V.I.S., please pencil us in for a call in an hour,” Pepper says with a sigh.
“An hour?!” Tony protests. "They're getting here in an hour!"
“An hour,” she repeats firmly. “I’ll call you back then.”
“Pepper—!”
“An hour,” Pepper says, and ends the call. Tony groans, dropping his head into his grease-stained hands, then mutters a curse as he remembers the machine oil and grit all over them. This is what he gets for taking calls when he’s working, he thinks. This is what he gets for ever taking calls at all.
“I cannot believe they want me to babysit,” he says.
“Ms. Lewis did say you were the last option, sir,” J.A.R.V.I.S. says, which is not helpful.
“So how was I an option at all, then?!” Tony demands. “They know me! They know better than this! What’s wrong with Bruce?!”
“Dr. Banner informed Ms. Lewis and Sergeant Barnes that he was not capable of babysitting fairly early in the children’s lives,” J.A.R.V.I.S. reminds him.
“Yes, but that was him being paranoid about the Hulk, not him actually being incompetant to do it!” Tony says, getting up to start pacing behind the workbench. “I’m incompetant to do it!”
“I wouldn’t know, sir,” J.A.R.V.I.S. says, which, again, is not helpful. Tony groans again.
“Oh my god, I’m not prepared for this,” he says. “They’re dropping them off in an hour. One hour. My lab isn’t childproofed!”
“Yes it is, sir,” J.A.R.V.I.S reminds him. “You’ve updated the childproofing in the Tower twice this year.”
“Not enough!” Tony says. “How often are they actually in here unsupervised? Never! They are never in here unsupervised!”
“You are technically supervision, sir,” J.A.R.V.I.S. says.
“Technically at best!” Tony says. “At best!”
“I suppose, sir,” J.A.R.V.I.S. says.
“Where’s Bruce?!” Tony demands, looking around the lab. He’s this close to calling Rhodey’s emergency frequency too, but Bruce is definitely closer. Rhodey’s in another damn state right now, and frankly it's a miracle it's not another damn country.
"I believe Dr. Banner is currently in his personal lab," J.A.R.V.I.S. says.
"Call him!" Tony says.
"Is that really the best idea right now, sir?" J.A.R.V.I.S. says.
"An hour, J.A.R.V.I.S.!" Tony says.
"I'll see if he's available, sir," J.A.R.V.I.S. says diplomatically. He's saying "sir" an awful lot, which Tony suspects is him trying to placate him or something equally ridiculous, but he's too frazzled to call out his own AI for patronizing him right now. People are leaving children with him. On purpose! And he agreed to it!
He definitely does not have time to call out J.A.R.V.I.S. right now.
"Tony?" Bruce says as a screen pops up in front of him. "Is something wrong?"
"I need you in the fabrication lab," Tony says, because "come help me babysit the Winter Soldier's pups before I fuck them up" is obviously not gonna work. Bruce would probably just leave the damn Tower if he tried that. Possibly the country.
"I'll be right there," Bruce says, getting up from his seat as the screen blinks out. Small victories, Tony thinks.
"That wasn't entirely honest, sir," J.A.R.V.I.S. says mildly disapprovingly. Tony still doesn't have time for AI patronization.
"It's an emergency," he says feelingly. "Bruce can be mad at me later, when the kids aren't all traumatized for life. Now what in this place is flammable and where can I hide it?"
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I've been rewatching old MCU movies (where Tony is alive, sue me) and I still find it so hard to watch J.A.R.V.I.S die. He loved Tony so much, cared for him so much and that, even nowdays, when people throw that Edwin Jarvis' quote "I'd hate to live on as a voice" or something like this, to justify that Tony was wrong to create J.A.R.V.I.S and give him Edwin's voice is like a fucking insult to both Tony Stark and Edwin Jarvis.
Because Edwin was the one who rised Tony. To that boy Jarvis was the father, not Howard Stark and for the script writers who say that Jarvis would have hated if he knew about J.A.R.V.I.S having his voice, when he knew that Tony, the boy he raised, found comfort in his voice... is like the most disgusting thing in the entire universe (universes).
And to mention, the biggest fuck up (or, knowing them, it was probably intentional with how they hate Tony) was when they had Vision fall in love with a woman who gave herself to neo-Nazi organisation because she hated Tony that much. Who was responsible of Ultron being created, who was responsible of J.A.R.V.I.S' death and who triggered Tony's PTSD again (because she is their baby white girl (you know, when she is canonicaly Rromani, but *whitewashing* (I'm white myself*)) who makes them more money)...
That something that came from J.A.R.V.I.S, Tony's most advanced A.I. that Tony created, who loved his creator so much and whose prime purpose was to protect Anthony Edward Stark, would ever fall in love with that woman is butchering both Edvin Jarvis' and J.A.R.V.I.S' characters...
And to not even show how devastated Tony probably was in AoU and just make Wanda their princess who can do no wrong... To have Vision even entertain the idea of liking J.A.R.V.I.S murderer is horrifying and I'm very glad to see that her suffering and hope that she will bring death upon herself (we all know she didn't die in MoM, MCU writers will never kill off their milking cow when they can make more money).
Also, I've not watched MoM but I've read what happens and to all these people who even like Wanda after all that shit she pulled (starting with in WANDAVISION) and go like "slay, qeeun"; "girlboss" and everything like that... get out of my page and never interact with me, ya'll disgust me and scare me too.
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