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kthstrawberryshortcake · 4 years

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That Should Be Me - kth drabble

Pairing: Taehyung x Female!Reader, Jin x Female!Reader

Word Count: 3.5k+ Genre: Mostly angst, some fluff Topics: College!AU, Unrequited love Warning: Kinda sad but not TOO sad

No one ever sets out to end up in these sorts of situations, but lo and behold, they do. Are they unbelievably unlucky? Did they commit some unforgivable sin in a past life? Are they just lackluster people? Whatever the explanation, you too found yourself head over heels in love with someone who didn’t love you back. You had been friends since the start of freshman year when a friendly, cheerful boy in one of your classes introduced himself. Ever since then Taehyung had been a huge part of your life. He could make you smile even on what felt like the worst days, and he was one of the most caring people you had ever met. You didn’t realize you were falling until it was much, much too late. No one knew except for your two other closest friends, Jimin and Sara.

The three of you had been roommates since sophomore year when you decided to live together, despite others’ comments that a guy living with two girls was a bit of a weird situation. It had never felt weird. No, living with them had felt like home right away. You picked each other up when you were down, understood each other better than anyone else, and spent most of your time together, often with some of your other friends as well. Now, in the fall of your senior year, you were much busier than before, but you still made sure to spend time together. Your roommates knew how strongly you felt towards Taehyung and carefully guarded your secret, though Jimin occasionally tried to push you to do something about it. You knew you wouldn’t, though. You were very quiet and shy, as well as a homebody, and confessing was so far outside your comfort zone it was almost comical. So you did nothing, just holding in your feelings, praying they would go away eventually.

Sitting in the floor of Taehyung's dorm room, studying for a class you had in common, it certainly didn’t feel as if you were going to fall out of love any time soon. Sure, it was hard to hang out with him like this when you felt how you did, but you’d rather keep him as a friend than lose him altogether, so you dealt with it. After hours of studying (with several spurts of getting distracted by each other’s silliness and falling into laughing fits), you went to take a break. “Be right back, I’m going to use your bathroom, okay?” You said as you stood, giving him a small smile. He nodded absentmindedly, looking over some of his notes.

After you’d gone, however, your phone buzzed with new text messages. You’d left it sitting there, he realized, and against his better judgment, he peeked at the screen. It was a text from Sara. “I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. This whole unrequited love BS isn’t for the faint of heart, is it?”, it read, followed by another immediately after. “Btw Jimin’s out right now, you and I can have a movie night when you’re done studying.” Taehyung blinked, carefully sitting the phone back in its place as he processed what he’d read. You were in love with someone who didn’t feel the same, and Jimin was out? Was it on a date? Wait, you were in love with Jimin! That must be it. He jumped headfirst into the conclusion. He felt bad knowing that his friend was hurting and he hadn’t even noticed. He should really try to be there for you, he thought to himself.

You returned to the room after that and he gave you a huge grin, which you found a little random. You gave him a questioning look as you sat back down. “You know you’re one of my favorite people, right? I’m just really happy you’re in my life, you’re pretty awesome, you know that?” He said sincerely, and you felt that right in your heart, honestly shocked by his unusual candor. “Thanks, Tae. I’m happy you’re in my life, too.” You replied quietly, smiling despite your confusion, shaking your head before returning to the textbook in front of you. Just for that moment you thought he might not be as far out of reach as you’d always believed.

A couple of weeks later you found yourself totally out of your element at a party your friends had dragged you to. You weren’t much of a party person, in fact you usually avoided them. But you knew Taehyung would be there, plus Sara and Jimin had pestered you into coming with them. You were feeling pretty optimistic as the night began. You looked really nice, if you did say so yourself, and were just the slightest bit hopeful that your feelings weren’t as one sided as you’d believed for so long. You navigated your way through the noisy, crowded house along with Jimin and Sara, who, after all this time, were a newly minted couple, complete with heart eyes for each other and holding hands. You were thrilled, honestly. It had been a long time coming and you were glad they were finally together.

You scanned the room, hoping to see Taehyung, but as soon as you did, you wished you hadn’t. He was across the room looking as gorgeous as ever, but clinging to his arm was a girl who honestly looked like she could be a model. She was stunning, nearly as tall as he was, slender and with legs for days. You couldn’t help but stare in shock. She was clearly a very outgoing, social person, looking like she was talking constantly and saying hello to almost everyone who passed by, seemingly the social butterfly. And Tae looked happy. You didn’t think you had ever seen him look that happy when he was with you. The fragile hope you’d been carrying was instantly crushed, and it felt as if your heart had been run over by a truck.

Feeling yourself getting emotional, you quickly fled out the back door. The house was on the edge of a lake and you kept going until you reached the dock before allowing yourself to collapse to your knees, the tears pouring from your eyes against your will. Who had you been kidding? That was the kind of girl he wanted, the kind of girl he deserved. A “hot” girl, a “fun” girl. Not an admittedly cute but short, bookish, shy person who hated large social gatherings. Basically, not you.

You weren’t sure how long you sat there sobbing, trying to get a hold of your breathing and calm down but failing miserably, before you heard footsteps coming down the hill. You sniffled, hoping it was Sara or Jimin and not someone else. But you were unlucky.

Taehyung sat down next to you, deep concern etched into his features. “Y/n? What’s wrong?” He asked so sincerely you almost wanted to laugh. When you just shook your head, the tears still coming, he wrapped you in a hug and held you close. “Hey, it’s okay… You’re okay… Tell me what happened.” He said quietly, trying to soothe you. By some miracle you pulled yourself together, calming down even though the tears were still running down your cheeks. You felt like you were going to be sick, pulling away from his hug. “I’m so stupid. I managed to fall in love with someone who’s never going to love me back, and even more foolishly, I thought maybe I had a chance…. Until tonight.” You admitted in a small voice, not making eye contact.

Taehyung observed you carefully. “He came to the party?” He asked, and you shut your eyes tightly, nodding. “But with somebody else, and it just became so clear it’s never going to happen, and I was dumb to think that it could.” You said in a near-whisper. Taehyung thought over your words. Jimin had showed up with Sara, so clearly in love, and that must be what you were referring to. He really felt for you. He couldn’t imagine how you felt at the moment. “You’re not dumb. There is every reason for someone to love you, you’re wonderful. You’re so kind and so caring, you’re smart, you’re funny… You’re more than good enough for any guy. You’re probably too good for him.” Tae said, and you wanted to just melt into a puddle on the ground and disappear. He had no idea, you thought.

You sighed deeply, wiping your eyes. “It doesn’t matter. I’m just going to go home. You go enjoy the rest of your night, don’t let me bring down your mood.” You said, forcing a small smile at him. He furrowed his brow in concern. “Do you want me to take you home? Is it a good idea for you to be alone right now?” He asked, trying to be a good friend. You shook your head. “No, no. You should get back to…. oh, I don’t know her name… The girl you came with. Go have fun, don’t worry about me. I’ll go home and go to bed.” Taehyung nodded slowly, accepting your instructions. “Yeah, that’s my girlfriend Kira. You should meet her sometime when you feel better. Get home safe, okay?” He said, patting you on the shoulder before rising to his feet and returning to the party.

You didn’t want to ruin Jimin and Sara’s first outing as a couple, so you just sent a vague text that you were tired before returning home, burrowing under the covers of your bed as the tears came without stopping. You didn’t sleep much that night.

Over the next week or so you were even less social than usual, noticeably changed. Your two roommates, now knowing what’d happened, had been taking good care of you and trying to cheer you up a bit. But your other friends and classmates didn’t fail to catch your lack of smiles, how you were even quieter than usual, or how distant you seemed. You couldn’t avoid the class you had with Taehyung, so you just tried to stay extremely focused, ignoring his attempts to start conversation or inquiries about whether you were okay. He definitely noticed how unusual your behavior was, and he sent you texts a couple times a day trying to be supportive or make you feel better. Little did he know that he was only making matters worse. Meanwhile, every time your friends met up for lunch or for game night or anything of that nature, he brought Kira along with him, clearly extremely into her. You weren’t surprised. She had everything you lacked. So over time you stopped going to those gatherings, too.

Weeks passed and Taehyung was still in his “not leaving you alone in a misguided attempt to be a good friend” routine, refusing to leave you alone no matter how much you pushed him away. He finally showed up at your door one Saturday, smiling and carrying a bag of snacks. “We’re having a movie day, I won’t take no for an answer. You’ve always been there for me when I was down, so I’m going to do the same thing for you. I’m worried about you, you’re so not yourself. So let me cheer you up!” He insisted. The two of you sat down on the couch in the living room, with you trying to breathe deeply as you covered your face, frustrated beyond belief. He babbled on cheerily about how you were a total catch and you shouldn’t be so down on yourself, that everything was going to be totally fine and that he couldn’t let you just retreat into yourself without trying to help.

Suddenly the pent up feelings bubbled over. “STOP.” You yelled, not looking at him. He was shocked. You were always so soft-spoken, not once had he heard you raise your voice like that. When you finally looked at him, the pain in your eyes was clearly visible to him. “It’s you. I’m in love with YOU. Honestly, I have been for years. I know you have good intentions, but what you’re doing here isn’t helping. I’m trying to get over you but you just won’t let me.” Tears welled up in your eyes, your voice sounding strained. Taehyung was, in short, astounded. Never in a million years would he have anticipated this. “I…. I’m sorry. You’re right, I just don’t feel that way about you. You’re my friend, I don’t…. I’ve never seen you like that.” He said like word vomit.

You laughed harshly to yourself as a couple tears escaped. “Yeah, because there’s every reason to love me, wasn’t that your phrasing? I’m more than good enough for anybody, you said…. Well, anybody except you, I guess. It’s cruel, really, to hear you say those things knowing the truth of how you feel. You mean well, Tae, and I’m furious that I can’t blame you for this. I can’t blame you for how much this hurts. But you have to stop now. Leave me alone. Stop talking to me, stop sending me motivational texts, don’t even smile at me. Just leave me be, please.” You implored. “Go away so I can learn to let you go.” You said in a whisper, more tears leaking from your eyes. Not sure what else to do and still in shock, Taehyung nodded dumbly, getting up to leave. He paused in the doorway for just a moment, muttering a quiet “I’m sorry” before leaving. And when he was gone you finally broke down again.

He did as you asked, completely cutting off contact and leaving you alone. You did your best to avoid him. He was surprised at how much it hurt every time you avoided eye contact with him or turned to walk in a different direction upon spotting him. He figured it was just the loss of a close friend being painful, so otherwise he continued on as usual. Taehyung spent most of his time with Kira. He found himself bored in most conversations with her, and he found her loud, chatty nature kind of annoying. But everyone said they made the perfect couple, so he must just be feeling this way because of guilt, right? He convinced himself of that, pushing away any thoughts that his relationship wasn’t right.

Months passed. For a while nobody really saw you aside from Jimin and Sara. If you were shy before, you were antisocial now. If you were a homebody, you were now a recluse. You had all but disappeared from your greater social circle, knowing it was the only way to avoid Taehyung. You focused on your schoolwork. You were visibly sad leading up to winter break, and you knew everyone else was noticing how unlike your usual self you’d been. You were grateful for the reprieve of the break, a chance to live your life for a while without the threat of running into Tae. The time away did you good and you felt like things were finally looking up.

The glimmer of hope was amplified tenfold when over the break, you met a guy in a bookshop with a radiant smile and a squeaky laugh. Seokjin, as you learned was his name, was a master’s student at your university. You’d struck up a conversation as he was perusing the cookbooks in the shop you’d met in. He was one of those genuinely nice people who brightened your day without trying. He made you laugh with cheesy jokes and fascinated you with stories of his cooking adventures.

Before you knew it you were spending most of your time together. You started to feel happy again and for the first time in longer than you could remember, you felt something in your heart other than pain. With him you didn’t feel like you needed to be a “hot girl” or “fun girl”. You didn’t feel like you were missing anything. He thought you were small and cute and loved nothing more than quiet nights in with you, cooking together or watching dramas. You no longer thought about how you wished your legs were longer, or how you wished you were more social, or how you didn’t think you were pretty like other girls. Like the perfect fit of two puzzle pieces, you felt like enough. By the time break was ending you were officially dating. Not that Seokjin wasn’t absolutely lovely, but it wasn’t just him that changed how you saw yourself. The time away from an environment where you saw nothing but flaws had done you good, and as much as he had helped heal you, you’d healed yourself.

At the start of the new semester, Taehyung caught himself keeping an eye out for you, hoping to see you even from afar. He missed you terribly, if he was honest. To his delight, you had a class in common again. He felt a warmth in his chest when he finally saw you again, settling into a seat in the lecture hall. The light had returned to your eyes. You were smiling again. The relief he felt was immense, having felt awful for hurting you in the first place.

Without realizing it, he watched you, eventually noticing your focus on the new TA and the looks you were exchanging. It gave him an odd almost nauseous feeling. When the class finally ended, he stopped to read a text before he packed up his things to leave. That’s when he heard you laugh. It occurred to him what a beautiful sound it was and how much he had missed hearing it. Then he looked up. You were standing with the new TA, arms wrapped around each other as you whispered, laughing at something. Taehyung couldn’t remember the last time he saw you smile like that. The TA planted a quick kiss on your forehead before taking your hand, and the two of you walked out of the lecture hall together. Though he couldn’t wrap his head around why, Taehyung felt like he’d been slapped.

He couldn’t stop thinking about it for the rest of the day, including when he got dinner with Kira that night. “Baaaaaabe! You’re not listening to me!” She whined, pouting. It was true, he had totally zoned out. He was too busy trying to make sense of the overwhelming feelings he was experiencing. It was late that same night that he finally realized what was going on. The realization hit him with both excitement and a sense of horror: he had feelings for you. The horrifying part was how much he’d hurt you, only to discover his feelings after all this time. But you had really loved him, right? The strength and sincerity of your feelings for him had been so apparent. Surely it wasn’t too late.

That’s how he found himself rushing across campus past midnight, hurrying to your apartment, feeling like he was about to burst with all the emotion running through him. He knocked loudly on the door, breathless from the anticipation and his rush to get to you. You were beyond surprised to see him when you opened the door, standing there with messy hair and a blanket wrapped around yourself. You frowned, entirely perplexed at his sudden appearance. “Tae? What are you doing here?” You asked in complete confusion. Taehyung had a big, dumb grin painted on his face. “Y/n, I’m so sorry it took me this long to realize it, I have feelings for you too! I - I think I love you too.”

You could hear the excitement in his voice. Your confused face morphed into an annoyed frown. “You smug bastard. After all this time now that I’m finally happy you want to bust back in here and drop a confession?! Are you joking?!” Your voice was growing shrill with anger. The blanket you were wrapped in dropped to the floor, forgotten as you angrily gestured at him. “I honestly can’t believe you’re actually this selfish. You don’t get to treat me like I’m disposable, like some toy you can pick up or toss away whenever you get bored.” This was the second time ever he’d heard your voice raised in a near-yell.

He heard footsteps as he stared at you, finally taking in your appearance. You were dressed in a men’s tee shirt that was much too big for you and a pair of shorts. It was impossible to miss the dark marks on your neck. A taller figure approached from behind you, placing a hand on your shoulder. It was the TA, also messy-haired in a sweatshirt and sweatpants. You turned to look at him and your angry face transformed instantly into a soft, affectionate smile. “Everything okay?” He asked you, and you nodded. “Everything’s fine, Jinnie. Taehyung was just leaving.” You turned back to Taehyung and in an instant your gaze was like ice.

The pain in his chest and the hollowness he felt was suffocating. Was this how you’d felt for so long whenever you were with him? Tears were welling up in his eyes, but he just nodded and turned away, leaving as you shut the door. He’d been a fool, and he was far too late, he realized, thinking he may have made the biggest mistake of his life. The smiles that had been reserved for him alone for years now belonged to someone else. And though he knew it was selfish, he couldn’t help but be bitter that you had moved on.

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Okay that one hurt a little bit, huh? A tad angstier than what I normally write. Still, I hope you enjoyed it! I love feedback so please do leave some. <3

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awed-frog · 5 years

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When you say romance should be 18 and over do you mean the brand of romance we know today (aka toxic) or romance as a whole? If we wrote healthy romance aimed at younger crowds or presented unhealthy behaviour as unhealthy behaviour in regular romance (for older crowds) would that be a good solution?

Well - I see three questions here, all of them incredibly complex and beyond interesting: should art be political and is censorship ever a good idea and also is the romance genre okay? The answer to all of them, in my opinion, is ‘no but’.

1) Should art be political?

The stupid thing is, art is inherently political, whether you want it to or not, but art that’s deliberately political tends to be awful, and that’s a universal truth both for left-wing stuff and for right-wing stuff. When you willingly create political stuff, what you’re crafting is propaganda, and proganda is generally sad and bad. I guess there is propaganda that’s also good art - Victor Hugo’s The Man Who Laughs comes to mind - but the problem is, not all of us are Victor Hugo.

That said, since whatever we create is political (because man is a social animal) and will have some kind of moral message, yes - ideally we want more art with an ethically ‘good’ moral message than we want garbage, because art (and here I include everything: books, movies and so on) is perhaps the most effective and impactful mind-shaper ever. That’s why Disney is doing its very best to be a monopoly, after all. But: I don’t have a good solution for how to ensure art is nice. I think art is nice when artists are nice, and artists are nice when they grow up in good, healthy societies. So the more a society rots from the inside out, the more likely it is you’ll find art that’s also rotten. I mean, while romance as a genre was always a bit dodgy (see below), what that article was talking about - the rise of the possessive, violent boyfriend and domestic abuse as the great love story - is sort of a recent phenomenon, and goes hand in hand with the deterioration of women’s rights in (Western) society.

(As an aside, I’m not sure I agree (young) women are necessarily misogynistic for reading crap like Fiftfy Shades: I think (young) women are exhausted. Fifty Shades is, more than anything, an ode to undeserved capitalism - the only kind that seems open as an option today. After all, we know trickle-down capitalism doesn’t work and most of us will toil and toil for very little; Christian Grey is the antidote to that, the guy who shows up, basically kidnaps you, and smothers you in a life of riches for which the only thing you must do in return is give up. Having someone else decide on your job, your car, your possessions and clothes, where you’ll live, what you’ll eat and when, whether you’ll take birth control (lol: obviously not), when you’ll see your friends and family plus when and how you’ll orgasm - what women tried to escape for generations is suddenly the dream for many of us - not because of any new political ideology, but because we’re beyond tired. Women, like men, are now crushed in a neverending cycle of bs, underpaid jobs, and are apparently fed up enough in taking responsibility for anything that not only romance and ‘superhuman’ characters are booming, but a very specific kind of subset of that: essentially, slave fics.

Just give up your agency, and you’ll be taken care of and cherished - forever.

I understand a kink is not the same as your actual political opinion, but still - I’m not enthusiastic about this trend, and I’m even less enthusiastic when it gobbles up young women who haven’t had time to experience real life relationships.)

No, I think that in the end, the answer is - if you reverse the rotting of society, automatically - statistically - you’ll get healthier artists and a healthier audience. So, really, the fight is always the same: better paid jobs, better (and free) schools, more opportunities for continued education of any kind, more democracy and transparency, more green spaces and better living conditions.

2) Is censorship ever a good idea?

Sadly, no. You’d think the logical conclusion of what I just said would be, ‘In the meantime, let’s ban the most dangerous stuff’ or something, and while part of me is tempted to support that, censorship has a way of ending very badly no matter how good and noble your intentions are.

(Self-censorship should be more of a thing, though: not everything that goes through our minds deserves to be seen and shared.)

What sucks at the moment is that on the one hand, capitalism is operating its own censorship; and on the other, its desperate search for new markets has led to a disastrous disintegration of actual human interactions.

So, problem one is that we only publish and market what makes a lot of money, and while that’s normal, to an extent, the result today is that everything is ‘almost the same’ as the previous thing (think sequels, prequels, remakes, obnoxious book covers for books that are basically all the same). So if ‘asshole boyfriend who beats you up’ suddenly makes money, it becomes very hard to escape the trope, because what will be offered to you everywhere is exactly that. This was less of a thing back when our main sources of entertainment were shared (movie theaters, the one family TV, school libraries and so on); now, it’s an epidemic, and as we see with Youtube algorithms, a dangerous one, because this obsession with watching and rewatching ‘almost the same’ inevitably leads to more and more extreme stuff.

Meanwhile, problem two is that the more tailor-made our entertainment is, the less we connect to real people. I know I sound about 90 here, but when all family members are glued to a different screen - mom watching the 50th remake of Eat, Pray, Love, dad down the rabbithole of lizard conspiracy theories, big brother now exploring some milk&peanut butter weirdness on Youporn and younger sister 30 fics deep into Stucky high school AUs - what do they have in common? What do they talk about? What can they even learn from each other? Until recently, and for aeons, fiction was shared, and its primary goal was to form a connection between group members. Now, that’s gone. We destroyed it, without even realizing what we were doing, in the space of twenty years. And yeah - I know you can create new communities, but a) these communities are virtual (which means, for the most part: not real) and b) they tend to connect like with like, which is comforting, perhaps, but not very useful. The whole point here is that we need to learn how to feel empathy and trust for those who’re different, and build a community with them - instead, what the internet is doing is isolating us inside our little bubbles, so much so that any minor disagreement is now seen as good reason to break off contact.

Censorship, however, doesn’t solve any of this. For starters, we need more regulation on how big corporations can get, what social media companies can and can’t do and who can access what kind of material. And it’d be great if we could all unplug a little, but uh - fat chance of that.

3) Is the romance genre okay?

Again, just my opinion, but personally, I mistrust it. There are no romance books for men? Instead, books for men feature a Main Character doing stuff and improving himself while accidentally meeting a Sexy Lamp he can go home to at the end of the story. And, well, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but isn’t this a healthier way to look at life? While good relationships are very meaningful (or even the most meaningful) part of any human life, if your goal is to get them, they won’t grow right. You shouldn’t be hyperfocused on finding love; I think it’s much better to be like Main Character: you work on your drawing skills, try a new sport, read poetry, defeat evil Russians, thus developing inner happiness and self-confidence, thus leading you towards towards a partner who’ll fall in love with who you are - not a partner who was looking for some empty shell to fill with their own expectations and preferences.

And I know - romance books and movies are full of exciting non-romantic events and stuff - but still, the fact they’re classified and intended as romance does imply that finding a romantic partner is the ultimate goal. Which, I don’t know, I don’t think it’s healthy, and is a particularly inappropriate message for young women. After all, why is it okay that young men are encouraged to go on ghost hunts, study dinosaurs and save the world while young women are taught to wait around for a broken (possibly violent, but it’s not his fault) bad boy only they can fix? It’s messed up, is what it is, and I may be extreme here, but even the tamest, sweetest romance revolves around the same message: that you’re not complete on your own, and that you should focus on relationships as a way to become a better, happier human being.

Now, as much as I love this quote -

“It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it.” — Oscar Wilde

- obviously there’s no direct cause-and-effect here - you don’t read one book and become a mindless Stepford wife - so I’m not saying, ‘no one should read romance ever’. It’s just - as I said in that other post, we should all enjoy diverse stuff. Read your romance novels, but also read the classics, read some philosophy, a random poem, a badly-written thriller - read Stephen King, read how the OED was written, or a Wikipedia article on the French resistance - anything and everything. Because of capitalism, because of this push towards personalized entertainment, we’re being forced and pigeonholing ourselves in smaller and smaller cages, and the worst thing is - we’re comfortable inside them, because this is the awful truth: cages are comfortable, and that’s why we need to get out before we forget what cages are for.

[As a final point: you say ‘if we wrote’, does it mean you’re an aspiring writer? If so, you shouldn’t worry about any of this. You write what you want, you write the stories you want to read. Just remember to get out of your cage as well - experience, discover, grow, read, dare - and then put all that into your books. I’m sure they’ll be great, whatever your favourite genre.]

#ask #books #romance #entertainment #capitalism #ya #fifty shades of grey #narrative tropes #old woman yells at cloud #the end is nigh #i miss the 90s #potentially unpopular opinion

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