#its fine im fine i love my life im happy like this

[f1boistrash]

i have a name | l.s

a/n: so this is an idea i had after the miami gp and its been stuck in my head so im finally writing it. there is some slight jos slander and reader is max's sister

summary: y/n verstappen drives for f1 academy. they find comfort in a certain american when the media gets too much

Your whole life you've always been Max's sister. You didn't hate your brother for it because it wasn't his fault. You hated the world for being so small minded. You hated your dad for not caring. His words stuck in your head like a broken record. 'You're overreacting Y/N. It's not a big deal. You need to grow up.'

But it was a big deal because why couldn't they be bothered to learn your name. Your accomplishments throughout your career always amounted to 'Max's sister' it was never 'Y/N Verstappen'. You were sure if they could your trophies would say that too.

Going into the F1 Academy you thought it'd be different. You were excited when you got the call. The first person you told was Max and he was even more excited than you, if that was even possible. You were at the forefront of the series, watching young girls across the world become interested in the sport you loved. Something you wished you had growing up.

The driving was great. The team was great. Everything was great except the media. Its the one thing you dreaded stepping into the spotlight more. You tried to develop a thick skin like your brother but it was difficult when you constantly got picked at.

"So, Y/N, great day today. You qualified third. How was it?" The interviewer asked.

"Yeah it was great. Obviously we'd prefer P1 but we're still happy with the result and looking forward to pushing it even more tomorrow." You replied, grinning at your result. It might not be front of the grid but you were still proud.

"Your brother Max had a phenomenal season last year. Can we expect the same this year?" And there it was. Your first interview of the weekend and it only took one question before they asked you about your brother. Normally you didn't mind talking about Max's accomplishments. You were so unbelievably proud of him. It's when they start talking about him when they should be asking you about your race and your season that you get annoyed.

You plastered on your fake smile, hoping no one saw the disappointment flash across your face. "It's hard to say what this year will bring but what I do know is that Max will give it his everything. Whatever happens though I'm still proud of him."

Before anymore questions about Max could be asked your manager made a sign that time was up. You thanked the interviewer and left the media pen. She gave you a run down of tomorrows schedule as you were now finished for the day. Your manager didn't need to ask if you were okay because she knew you weren't. Working with you for a few years meant she had learnt all your tells.

You thanked her for today before parting ways, leaving you alone. The night air was brisk but welcoming. You shut your eyes and sighed enjoying the silence. You were supposed to be meeting Max tonight yet you couldn't bring yourself to move. Not wanting to face him just yet.

It was late and you weren't expecting many people left at the grid. Especially the F1 drivers which was why you jumped when a voice broke the silence. "Y/N right?" Logan said, your stomach fluttered when you looked at him. You have never really spoken to Logan before, only seeing him in passing but you always thought he was cute. He also called you by your name and not 'Max's sister' which was a welcomed surprise, used to his friends calling you that. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

"It's fine, just wasn't expecting anyone to be left at the track." You told him. You took in his appearance under the setting sun. He was in his Williams uniform, his hair slightly tousled from wearing his hat all day.

"Yeah, I was just heading out. Had to do a few tweaks before tomorrow. What are you doing here late?" He asked.

"Media." You grimaced. Logan laughed, understanding your reaction.

"That bad huh?"

"Yep." You nodded. "Talked about Max the whole time."

The two of slowly started walking towards the car you have rented this weekend. It was one of the few left in the parking lot. "Seriously? That's so shit." Logan said, shaking his head. It wasn't out of pity though, more like anger.

"You get used to it." You shrugged.

"You shouldn't have to though." He told you, pulling you both to a stop. His eyes, looking at you intensely making you nervous. "You were incredible out there today and I'll definitely be watching tomorrow as you get your first podium of the season."

"Wait, you watched qualifying?" You asked, surprised.

"Don't tell my trainer though." Logan grinned, winking at you making you laugh. It was a sound he could get used to.

"Well thank you Logan. It means a lot." You thanked him, coming to a stop when you reached the drivers seat door.

"You have a name, Y/N. Your not just Max Verstappen's sister and I hope you know that." He said, earnestly.

You don't know what came over you but you found yourself leaning up, pressing a kiss on Logan's cheek. "Thank you."

-x-

"You're late." Was all Max said as you walked through your hotel room door. You kicked off your shoes, walking further into the room seeing your brother lying on your freshly made bed scrolling on his phone.

"Don't you have a sim race or something?" You asked, shoving his feet off your bed trying to change the subject because what else can you say? The reason you were late was the slight breakdown you had about the interview and then you bumped into Logan. You couldn't exactly tell Max that.

He playfully stuck his middle finger up at you, knowing you were making fun of him. "How was your day anyway? Excited for tomorrow?"

"Yeah it was good." You lied. You liked that Max was oblivious sometimes because it meant you didn't have to talk about what people said about you. However, you also hated his obliviousness because sometimes you wanted your brother to comfort you. "Hopefully people won't get sick of the Dutch national anthem." You grinned at Max who laughed loudly.

You asked Max about his day and he told you about how confident he was with this years car, excited to see what he can get out of it. He carried on talking as you got out of your team uniform and into some comfy clothes when he quietened down.

"When were you going to tell me?" Max asked when you exited the bathroom. "About what the interviewer said?"

"It's fine Max." You said, avoiding his gaze on you by putting your clothes away. You were afraid if you looked at him the dam would break.

"It's not fine, Y/N." He huffed, his voice raising out of anger. It wasn't aimed at you though, Max would never raise his voice at you. "It was so unprofessional. Not to mention the commentators today couldn't even be bothered to learn your name. I'm going to do something about it."

Max's reaction reminded you of Logan's. You didn't think anyone would care this much. Especially someone who you never really had a conversation with before. You knew it was pointless to ask Max to leave it alone so you didn't bother. "Just please don't do anything stupid."

"When have I ever done that?" Max asked and you laughed. You would run out of fingers if you counted all the times Max did something stupid.

It was getting late and you and Max said your goodbyes, leaving you alone once again with your thoughts. Instead of the video on repeat in your head it was Logan's words. You reached over for your phone and unlocked it, going straight to instagram to find Logan's profile. You hit follow before going to his dms.

Y/N:

Thank you again for tonight.

His response was quick making your stomach flutter.

Logan:

You don't need to keep thanking me Y/N

Y/N:

I know

I enjoyed talking to you tonight

So thank you for your company 😊

Logan:

I enjoyed talking to you too 😊

I hope we can do it again some time

You were sure you were grinning like an idiot but you didn't care. You had fallen for the American and hard.

Y/N:

I would love to ☺️

Good luck for tomorrow Logan 💙

Logan:

Good luck Y/N 😊

#logan sargeant imagine #logan sargeant x reader #logan sargeant #f1 imagine #f1

[s1renidae]

"mutuals" this "groupchat" that. where is the love for weird little hermits. where is the appreciation for losers who dont talk to anybody ever

#been using social media for literally a decade and have managed to make maybe 7 or 8 friends total #and i only still talk to like 3 of them #i am just awful at making friends im too awkward and anxious to reach out and when i do i dont know how to keep it going #i just. lurk. and yearn. and mind my business kind of #im like this irl to i have literally no idea how people make friends or friend groups i always feel like an outsider #even around other autistic people i always feel like theres a brick wall between me and everyone else #its fine im fine i love my life im happy like this #im soooooo basement gerardcore #except not talented or motivated at all #weird little hermits rise up #also my post button wouldnt work the first 2 times i tried to post this and i had to reload the page and start over what the fuck

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

I'm surprised you haven't posted any Welcome home stuff recently! Honestly kinda makes me sad since I love your WH art and stuff

yea y'all are gonna have to be Patient w/ me bc

a) i have like. a week left to pack all of my stuff before i need to shove everything into a uhaul and leave, so its crunch time! leaving little to no energy/interest in anything else

b) to be honest my mental health is the worst its been in years - which is fine, its whatever, i can deal. it's not as bad as it could be and im handling it! like a champ, even! but also its leaving little to no energy/interest in anything else

c) had a minor crisis over my art and how i interact w/ WH, and i realized im not scribbling enough of what I want. ive mostly been trying to please people and do as asked and thats! not good! so i want to temper expectation & reassert that im Not a WH art blog - its just a hyperfixation / something i love rn. i draw what i enjoy & what i want in the moment.

#i picked up my tablet last night and all of my motivation died on the spot #so im just. eh whatever ill get back into the swing of things eventually #but yeah im spending my time packing & keeping myself afloat! not much room for other things at present! #rambles from the bog #but yeah i was starting to feel like a commodity of sorts? #like the majority of asks are just some form of 'can you draw this' 'draw this' 'id love it if youd draw this' #which is. fine. im an art blog! thats what i do! #but its also like hey. im just some guy doodling what they enjoy. im not a machine churning out content for consumption #& it gets to the point where there's so much expectation and obligation and 'demand'- #when do i ever sit down and truly indulge in what i want? #like the monster scribble i posted the other day! it made me so happy! i love monsters and Beasts! #when do i ever allow myself to draw them? #rarely bc i feel like people Expect puppets from me. and thats not a great feeling! #i love puppets i love wh and everything but i would like to enjoy it w/o pressure yk yk.... #& for a second there i Was feeling the pressure and scribbling puppets was starting to feel like a chore #something i Needed to do to please people #so! im focusing on real life & taking a break from creation & keeping my mindset away from 'jump into traffic' thankyew <3 #theres just too much going on right now #in my head And outside of it. #so ill stick to packing & binging psych & i'll lovingly place everything else on the backburner

[skitskatdacat63]

Fernando S1E5 - “Mission Accomplished”

#i think last ep was better for the more cinematic shots #this ep was definitely more focused on the racing itself as opposed to more personal stuff #which is very okay ofc!! dakar is so interesting but seriously scary as fuck #in this ep he flipped over in his car and was fine but even tho i know in the present hes fine it was still terrifying #in this ep he was either very focused or acting like a little gremlin overall very fernando LOL #god i love his eyes sm hes so expressive and cute #they did this montage at the end of the ep with all trhe stuff he did in 2019-2020 god what an impressive era #bro really took a break from f1 and excelled in practically everything #like watching this its so clear rally is just completely different from single-seater yet he got 13th????? my man! #i hope they do more seasons bcs this was such a cool view into his life and him as a person #im guessing netflix with their dts wouldnt be too happy with his camera crew being there sighhhhhh #cause god could you imagine?? thered be such good happy nando content AND SO MUCH UNDRAMATICIZED STROLLONSO #fernando alonso #fernando s1e5 #fa14 #formula one #formula 1 #f1 #dakar rally #we do a little bit of f1 #fernando(show)

[skunkes]

doing figure drawing studies because i know thats what i should be doing right now but also ive been in a very insane deranged state for the past 2 months that leaves me like this whenever i look at a man for too long

#talkys #im gonna say some more stuff here which is i dont think its ever going to happen for me which is like #it should be fine right...i dont think im even meant to be in a relationship it sounds exhausting and like another #constant neverending performance... #but its like that one post...''im happy by myself but also where's the love of my life'' #ykwim...i wish i could at least make an informed decision #but that would also be tragic as it'd require me to go thru more heartbreak so i could know for certain #is it better to do it or not do it at all... #anyway ive also been having a hard time putting this into words #but. i like my alone time! i can live with myself. + nothing will ever beat the peace and romance in my brain #but. it also feels so weird to think this way. in the sense of like. yeah. you're only thinking this way because you Have To. #because that's your reality. other ppl don't have to think this way because they are capable of finding love. #other people dont have to reaffirm themself of this in the wake of not ever being desired and valued.... #does that make sense...? it feels really weird. #like of course u have to like being alone and spending time with yourself. you have no other choice lol. you lost. #and also... idk. idealized romances in my brain better than anything maybe i would like to be held just once by another living human being. #🌺

[stupidrant]

i think the most we will get is PC release (if that) this year but that means we gotta deal with those trolls bc changing angrb0da’s skin color is such a big deal to these mfs and i still dont understand that sweet baby inc shit bcuz all the information im seeing is just bundled bullshit LMFAOOO i feel like her actual character gets overshadowed by the made up problems and no one actually talks abt HER as a character or even analyses her fr (outside of here ofc) lol sms abt to make a banger with her and atreus istg

#Truth be told i dont even wanna talk abt this anymore but this topic gets brought up pretty much every week atp #How weird is it that u would only accept her if she were white #Thats literally you admitting you like her character but her being black is a deal breaker #I feel like no matter how much they want her to be a white girl changing her skin wouldnt change their opinion abt her #Theres this one (big) acct in particular thats constantly shitting on rag and its like bro u need to just leave if ur not happy #or take a long ass break and come back at times and then leave again cuz hes just miserable as fuck and yall know exactly who im talking ab #I do see more people getting annoyed with this topic and i dont blame them #its getting super out of hand and dragged out atp #Once again i do not want ppl to like her out of PITY. she deserves a very honest group of fans and if those fans are ppl #That disliked her at first but started to like her later on thats fine as long as its out of being genuine #I cannot wait for her to gain more fans fr but i have to be careful what i wish for bcuz i dont want ppl to become too crazy lol #I might just post smth on that god forsaken reddit as an appreciation post of her or smth idk yet LMFAOOO #I for sure will have to be more brave and visible with my love for her one of these days #also very grateful for that one ragnarok vp. he loves angie for sure #Anyways #Love angie for life #Gow #god of war ragnarok #rant

[bruciemilf]

slides into ur inbox as a tim-liker not to start a fight but to genuinely ask if i could gently change ur mind👀👀 bc tim's not that bad if you'd give him a chance (he is very cringe tho

It's not that I don't like him!! But sometimes it just gets exhausting to see "he suffered so much to keep the big bad bat alive" takes like Alfred wasn't right there

#like im sorry if i was a grieving parent and people literally attacked me for not being rational and in the best state of mind #while im literally grieving my murdered child and some kid came into my life because he wants to be robin and keep batman going #yeah i would be a little irritated #but it feels so mean spirited of me in a way? because i never want to shit on someones character #also i just dont like the 'child is responsible for parent' trope at all and it just feels like tim is so martyrized by the fandom #but i also dont like the 'tim forced his way into the family blah blah blah' like. no he didn't. the whole point of tim to me is that #he doesnt NEED to be with the batfamily but he WANTS to be there bc he loves them #its kinda how i feel abt steph. i actually really that she doesn't want to be seen as Bruce's daughter #because steph never NEEDED a father thats her whole point i think #so basically i dont dislike tim. i would just be fine without him. but like -- my favorite batboy is jason so maybe thats why? #anyway moral of the story if a character makes you happy they make you happy and its no one elses business

[anxiously-sidequesting]

So I don't know if it was ever revealed how Duncan felt when we killed Malistaire all three times but I'm wondering if maybe some part of him could hate us for that too. Like you hear that and you go "but why. Malistaire was terrible and even Duncan knew that(?). Why would he hate you for getting rid of him."

But like I think it's so....... interesting in a very, very, very sad way how Duncan so easily latches onto anyone who directly feeds into his delusions of grandeur. And that's no fault of his own that he was manipulated by the nasty Schism but when you think about how desperately clung to the idea that Malistaire, easily one of the greatest necromancers any of us had ever heard of (at that time), somehow actually recognized Duncan's talents (even when canon supports that Duncan wasn't all that talented, at least no more than the next necromancer) and then praised him for it so often that Duncan believed that he would be the next Death Professor is. I mean ☹️

So like with that mindset I unfortunately feel like it would be quite easy to twist even Malistaire's death as something that's horrible and awful and all our fault. ESPECIALLY if the Schism was feeding into Duncan's already broken mind and shattered ego and was constantly telling him that everything bad that ever happened to him ever in his life was Our Fault. That's like a realistic conclusion that someone like Duncan could come to

And like, at this point in time, are Malistaire's crimes even a factor in how he thinks????? Was Duncan ever able to separate Malistaire's talent and skills and prowess from the terrible and awful things he did? If Duncan wasn't able to consciously tell that distinction in the first place I can't imagine it would be any better during the years he was being manipulated and isolated and lied to

Like in Duncan's mind it probably isn't, "maybe I shouldn't idolize a national criminal, or idolize anyone at all for that matter, and aspire to be like someone so harmful when I can recognize my own talent and build from there" it's probably more like, "you (the wizard) permanently got rid of a brilliant mind, an innocent person who just made a few mistakes, and someone who believed in me no matter what just so that you could be the better than me and loved by everyone else" and that's! very sad actually!

#this is all speculation btw idk if any of this is canon. how duncan feels about all this #i know i keep saying the exact same shit over and over but.... really not a fan of how the game handled duncan! sorry! #i know wizard101 isnt supposed to be about every single character gets a satisfying ending to their arc- #-meaning not everyone in the story will face consequences and/or find a happy ending and like thats fine they dont need to #but idkkkk its just imo really sad how essentially a kid suffers frrom something he cant control by himself (his ego)- #and then instead of getting help he is instead ignored (ambrose) and then manipulated and brought up by a cult #and then when it becomes super apparent how... TERRIBLE his life really is and we defeat him he just... goes back?????? #we.... we LET him go back???? i mean we're not responsible for other people's bad decisions or mental health but bro.... #and then when we tell ambrose he's just like “oh. too bad. well anyways-” AND IM LIKE WELL THATS THE REASON!!!!! NO WONDER HE'S FUCKED UP #NONE OF THIS IS ADDRESSED. NONE OF IT. WE KICK DUNCAN'S ASS AND THEN HE.... GOES BACK TO THE CABAL #i literally just got so desolate when (wallaru spoilers) because. okay. all that for nothing i guess #this isnt me being mad btw LMAO i know the tone probably reads as angry but im not im just disappointed #and tired. what is it with wizard101 in particular and just people suffering with no end. (me as i make my main suffer with no end) #but anyways yeah duncan has been in my head for a while. he's one of the guys that i love a lot BDKSNSKAJ #he's like a son to me and HE NEEDS A HEALTHY PARENT. HE NEEDS IT #not excusing his actions btw. he still committed crimes JRKDJSIEJ #i just have a soft spot for those villains in media who are doomed from the start yknow. (stares tearfully at morganthe and gf spider) #wizard101 #wiz101 #w101 #text posts #duncan grimwater #im not normal about duncan at all he's probably the wozard oc i feel for the most other than malorn and us

[nightfallsystem]

u guys ever think about killing urself for everyone elses sake.

just so people wont have to go thru the annoyance of talking to me or the disgust of seeing my face so they can be happier by talking to their other friends instead of me so they dont have to deal with my actual fucking stupidity

#tw vent #tw suicide #ingnore this. btw. or dont i cant stop you lol #imsso close to cutitng off everyone i know so they can be happier i alreadyblocked a few people i knewnow ionly know one person irl #imf so glad she found other people so she'll be completely fine if i disappear out of her life her life sounds like its going great actuall #ruining my life ^_^ #i dont want to talk to people but for their sake #IM GENUINELY SO FUCKING STUPID AND UPSETTING TO TALK TO . #does anyone even love me anymore #im probably doign this for my own selfish reasons #i dont go outside anymore for everyone else sake. so they dont have to see my ugly face. or deal with my awful speech #at least i can still draw.... only way i can mkae people happy.. #im mean to myself more than anyone else is mean to me at htis point. why #im not even capable of becoming mentally well at hthis point. im a lost cause #tell me what you rlly think . just tell me to shut the fuck up. just call me annoying. whatever u say cant be worse than what i do to mysel #pleasee im just dragging u down and making u feel worse whenever u tlak to me DO YOU NOT REALISE IT #i dont want to feel better for myself i want to feel better so i can be useful to others #i fucking hate people but i love them a lot . i gues i just hate how i affect others. social outcast i guess

[zero-a]

people will go all "just be yourself and love yourself! :)" and then go "if you don't act the way i want, you gotta reprogram your entire way of thinking then reach into the very core of who you are and what makes you you, discard it, and replace it with this better, friendlier, more empathetic version that's coincidentally far more convenient for me to deal with than any other possible compromise we can make that you can do for me but doesn't stretch your mind to nothing but thin bands of what you'd consider 'You' :))))))"

#mine.txt #just thinking about all those 'think positively!' and 'romanticize your life!' posts #like on one hand i can see their merit cause self-hatred though instinctual is ultimately detrimental to your mental health #but on the other hand...some of them (a lot of them) are really just unashamedly asking other people to completely change themselves huh #all in the guise of ''positive thinking'' ''self-love'' and ''betterment'' no less #i suppose i shouldnt be surprised considering most people can barely grasp the concept of someone who Genuinely has muted emotions #as a natural state instead of a depressive symptom #not to mention the human quality of escalating things #so ofc tumblr which seems to currently be in its mental health recovery phase would naturally lean in so hard towards ''radical happiness'' #but man sometimes i really do just wanna shake the person from behind the screen and say #'no! dont you understand! this is just how i am! stop implying that everybody who doesnt feel joy at simply waking up is a miserable hag!' #sometimes they dont even imply it they just straight up say it 💀 #im honestly fine (as in idc) with seeing them but they remind me so much of those toxic positivity bitches that sell you random hoaxes #and tell you that youre ''ruining their vibes'' when youre not just beaming like the sun every waking second #well idc most of the time that is #sometimes they just trigger my szpd (and my dpd weirdly enough) #with the szpd obviously i dont like being told what to do and what to feel and having some rando assume things about me #but with the dpd its like #oh i must be doing something wrong ofc this stranger on the internet knows more about emotions and feelings than me #cause im a dumbass who doesnt Feel things therefore i must do what they say even to my own detriment #this mainly applies to those guilt-trippy ones so ive learned to steer clear of them #possibly even block the op

[allylikethecat]

hi! im new to your blog and discovered you through your Matty/Taylor fake dating fic and I just loved it. I hope you update it soon because the fic is perfect. I'm fairly new to caring about Matty (and by extension Matty/Taylor) because TTPD made me so fascinated by how messy they seemed. TTPD got me to read fanfic about them which previously only happened with Haylor (my beloved) and Tayvis. I think Matty has joined my list of Taylor's muses that I actually am interested in.

Following from that, do you have any recommendations for the 1975 songs? I'm not sure where to start.

Also, very excited to see Fictional!George meet Fictional!Taylor.

Hello and welcome! Thank you so much for reading 😊 I'm so happy to hear that you're enjoying You Know Where the City Is! Unfortunately, I'm not entirely sure when or if I'm going to be updating YKWTCI again. I've been having a lot of complicated feelings about Taylor lately and am currently not a huge fan of hers anymore- more power to the people that are, and I think she's incredibly talented, she's just not really for me anymore at the moment. I'm not saying inspiration won't strike and that I won't update it again, I just don't really have any kind of time line for it at the moment.

I also feel like I need to add a disclaimer that I really, really, really dislike Kelce and have for a very, very long time. (He's a fucking glorified oversized wide receiver and should not be part of the tight end conversations because he doesn't play the position fully- you will not be changing my mind on this I have the stats to back me up. Gronk is the greatest tight end of all time because he PLAYED THE POSITION FULLY and also Kelce only has success when runs the routes that are literally referred to as GRONK ROUTES because they where created for / popularized BY GRONK) I am a sports girlie at heart, I love football, and I hate the Chiefs so much.

In terms of The 1975 songs - WOW this feels like being asked to pick my favorite child lol I'd say start with their first self titled album and then move through the discography in chronological order. That's how I did it back in the dark ages (I didn't have a choice their self titled album was their only album when I started listening to them lol) BUT in terms of my favorites at this particular moment - it's always changing:

The 1975 - The City, Robbers, Menswear, Me, You

ILIWYS - Change of Heart, The Ballad of Me and my Brain, Lostmyhead, The Sound

A Brief Inquiry - Sincerity Is Scary, Love It If We Made It, It's Not Living, Inside Your Mind

Notes on a Conditional Form (Justice for Notes) - People, Frail State of Mind, The Birthday party, Road Kill, Me & You Together Song, I Think There's Something You Should Know, Tonight (I Wish I Was Your Boy), Nothing Revealed / Everything Denied, Guys

Being Funny In a Foreign Language - Happiness, Part of the Band, All I Need to Hear, About You, When We Are Together

Honorable mention because they're not technically on the albums: Medicine and Milk

Thank you SO MUCH for reading and for sending this ask my way! I hope you have a chance to check out some of my other fics and that you enjoy them as well. I also apologize if this isn't the answer you're looking for, and hopefully I will eventually get back to YKWTCI. If you ever want to chat about the boys, don't hesitate to reach out, they are one of my favorite topics of discussion lol I hope you are having a lovely Tuesday and that you have a fantastic rest of your week!

❤️Ally

#allylikethecat #ask ally #keep it kind #matty fic #fanfiction #gatty #fanfic #you know where the city is #ykwtci #fake dating au #lol people that know me irl and people that have been following me for a while can vouch for how fired up i get during sports season lol #i got like heated typing this i have very strong anti chiefs opinions #i fully think the superbowl was rigged in their favor #the reffing was a joke #absolutely unrelated to taylor though i do love matty and the 1975 #i was lucky enough to see them a few times on the satvb tour and it was absolutely incredible #they played You for the first time at one of the shows i went to and i was so shocked #i couldn't believe it was really happening my friend was like bruised from how hard i was clinging to her lol #also im sorry about the taylor thing #its been something ive been really sad about in all honesty #she was such a big part of my life for so long and i kind of feel like i out grew her? #idk i got drunk and cried about it lol but like shes a celebrity she doesn't care what i think she's gonna be fine #and as long as she makes YOU happy that's what matters

[girl-bateman]

Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍

#girl help i cant get out of bed i feel so so awful for no reason at all #literally my soul is gone or something #i have no desires and no joys and no sense of being blessed #which is crazy bc i love life and im so blessed ! usually. #ig i should do something abt it tomorrow if it doesn't get better #alternatively get back into therapy bc tbh... after that horrible sex thing ive felt kinda off #like even after i was able to eat and sleep and function normally without the tremors and head jerks and whatnot #like its not dramatic anymore but i kinda feel drained of life and joy #moments of genuine happiness and fulfillment are ... ? idk. i did feel happy once this week and that was nice but it didnt last obviously #but like ! im not depressed in a depressed way. i take good care of myself and i read my books and eat food and hang out with friends #i just kinda dont recognise myself ig. i mean i know ill get my spark back but maybe i need some professional help #idk !! it kinda feels very silly tho #like ive been in and out of therapy for more than half of my life. and being one year therapy free was a big step for me ! #so going back for this little ridiculous freakout feels like a setback #kinda like im making up things to be wrong with me just so that ill have someone to talk to ? or to have attention idk #it doesn't make sense bc i really was proud for getting bettter and i rly dont want to be in therapy anymore #but who knows 🤷‍♀️ #there is also this slight risk. just clinically speaking by purely looking at symptoms of certain things. with no stake in the matter! lol #that there might be something bad and [lets not think too hard about it] that lies as a root cause of my little mental breakdown #like according to my sex having friends losing your virginity is awful but not THAT awful and not in THAT way #and my friend kinda said i scared her with how i was acting when i talked to her abt it. like my demeanour and body language and whatever #and i do trust her to know whats normal versus concerning when i dont have my own stable grip of reality #plus. if i was an outside party and applied my psych education on myself. i would say its not looking super good #but i cant really do that bc im not some random patient. im me myself and I 😩✋️ thank you #but whatever. itll be fine. tomorrow will be a better day ! yay !

[faithisland]

fuck man it's so fucking frustrating how I'd probably love to clean and organize if i were ablebodied (or even just didn't have my specific conditions but still the nd traits)

I just can't be moving my head around like crazy. walking while moving my arms, reaching my arms down and immediately up, lowering my head to the ground to reach something and then standing back up, having no momentary neck support at any time, those are the worst for me. I would do any task, honestly. I just feel so fucking trash every time I do these kinds of things. standing is excruciating, moving my arms while doing it literally affects my consciousness to the point where I lose track of what I'm doing (and not in the typical adhd way).

as long as I can stay stationary, particularly partially lounging, I am capable of rational, logical thought. I can think through long term consequences, remember the basic physics of the universe, generally function like I am not an alien to this dimension.

#i literally drop things bc i forget im holdinf them #or i think that idk it wont drop ljke im a fuxking astronaut #i slam into things bc i forget i have a physical form #literally being up and movinf around makes my brain SO dissociated and im SO dizzy and my vision is wonky and i can barely focus on staying #up right #but i can do things like go for walks #its all about how much i move my arms and get up and down #so badically i seem like im faking it🫥 #i can do 'fun' things but not work #not paying attention to the faxt that i dont much like the activities im doint #i do them to stay alive and make others happy #and genuinely i am incapable of what would make me happy #WHICH IS WORK #GENUINELY #my life is miserable BECAUSE i cant clean or move around #i hate feeling like i contribute nothing to the ppl i love #i hate not being organized #and i HATE not working so so so so so much #the sad fact is that i just really cant work #i have to somehow get better #even though no one knows whats wrong w me or believes im genion3ly experiencing it #i dont have seizures apparently its normal to collapse and go into spasms w ur eyes rolled back in your head. #apparently thats normal #apparently its fine to hallucinate my whole life and have fainting spells and confusion and disorientation and feel sensations as other thin #gs #thats kusy notmal and not indicitive of ANY neurological priblem #so i should shut up and go away and get some CBT about it #i jusy dont fucking know whatcyh3 fuck i am supposed to do #what am i supposed to do to be able to work

[skinnymeanfaggot]

also

#im making huge huge changes in my life and i think the next logical step would be to cut off jamie. ive already been ghosting him but thats #just me avoiding the problem. i just like. it feels fucked to be like hey i told you i was ok with what you did but i Changed my mind #i just think like. i have next to no contact with him and i feel fucking fantastic. we talk like every couple months on the rare occurrence #he can text and then i answer in vague short sentences and ghost. and now that i finally have firm boundaries with him and havent engaged #with him sexually its like. i feel like basically all my ties are cut. and i feel like im ready to let go for the first time. like ive #always felt like i just wasnt ready but now i like i Am ready its just a matter of like. doing it. thats difficult. even though i know hell #accept it because hes matured. and like. idk. i think its fine like this #and idk i think its fine like this. being the absolute barest form of acquaintances. i cannot stress how little we interact and how little #affect he has on my life at this point outside of what happened in the past. like i am in a good place he is 99% cut off i just need to do #the last bit. but like also fuck. you know. its hard to kinda finish it off. and its also like ooh it would hurt his feelings but now i #fucking. dont care lol. after everything. with blue i realize every day just how much more respected i feel and less gross and shitty #even with being jamies friend which we never were because whenever i was single we were sexual. i just felt bad. i never wanted to fuck #either. and he would say he loved me and id be like hahaha yeahhhh and now that ive finally drawn that boundary and said he cant do that #anymore i feel so much lighter and i just feel so happy and safe with blue in a way ive never felt with jamie and its like. im almost there #i feel like i might be able to cut him off by the end of the year. and thats crazy to me. i just also have a lot of like shit to unpack #in general too also. with what he did. and i just have a lot. but i feel like im progressing

[seithr]

rl chatterin in tags, dont worry about it just feel like talking about recent stuff. for those who dont care look at this birdthang i won on xiv then. my silly big bird..

#i dont owe explanation to anyone yeah i kno but i was going through something kinda rough the last little while and wanted to disappear #idk if it was at all noticeable but i feel like acknowledging it is healthier than feeling embarassed pretending i was Totally Fine. #alas im back and im... still just gona post on as normal. i can enjoy my Own Circle Of Enjoyment because im allowed to enjoy parts of life #even if i felt like utter death it doesnt mean i have to drag myself back to it once im finally crawling out. #it doesn't mean it didn't happen. doesn't mean it didn't hurt. but i dont have to reopen the wounds to prove something yknow. #i want to be alright and I will take these. when i feel i want to be happy i should not deny the pleasure of messaging friends #or little joys of any kind no matter how 'insignificant it is' next to my real stresses. you have to have something you smile about #and when you're ready to again why try and put it off? anyways. no idea if this makes sense. im tired but good i think. #i have to give myself little hype up shounen talks about joys and loves and life sometimes. its just gonna happen. #armour clanking #however i AM allowed to feel a little shy talking and being honest again so this is scheduled . hello. gootbye. ya boy hanging on 👍 #possibly employed boy at last even. probably contributed to getting better was that hope. ok no more sharing for real GOODNIGHT (MORNING)

[haemosexuality]

these past few days i have been uncharacteristically. emotionally open. w my friend and it has me thinking about how truly for all of my life i just did not expect anything from anyone

#like since i was a kid i just accepted in my head that all the ''friends'' id have were ppl who either were just putting up w me (probably #bc they had no one else and i was like. what was available) or ppl who cared ab me yeah but i was still their second or third choice #and i was just like. yeah ok. i can survive w that. like consciously i made the choice to hang out w people i knew didnt really like me #bc it was better than not having anyone to talk to #did it hurt any less when those ppl eventually stopped talking to me or i learned theyve been talking about how annoying i am to others? #no it didnt. bc i still cared about Them and had Them as my first choice. but i just thought. thats just how it is. im jist not really #likeable. so ill take what i can get #when i was like 7 or 8. i had one friend at school. and she had like some issues at home or smth idk but sometimes she would just start. #treating me badly or just ignoring me for months at a time. and its not like it deeply traumatized me or anything i honestly didmt remember #this fact until like last year but the thing is that i just. accepted it. i was just like yeah ok for half of the year or so my only friend #will act like she hates me and ill have no one to talk to. thats fine. ill just wait until next year when she likes me again. at age 7. and #now im just like what the fuck man why did i just accept that as my life. through all my childhood and then with other friends in my teen #years why did i never not once try to do better for myself. yknow? #when i was 11 and in another school my best friend suddenly started not talking to me. after a month or so of this i decided to invite her #to my house to play like we had done so several times before and she just looked at me like she was confused i was talking to her at all #and said ''why?''. and i was just like. ok. thats that i guess. genuinely why did i just accept these things #and like yeah i have friends that i feel Get me now and one i love just so much and i can tell loves me back but theyre online. i dont talk #to anyone irl. i dont know how. and im happy im so happy but im also scared that im just doomed to be extremely lonely forever irl #because i am legit just not likeable. not to be a weird a weirdo but yeah im just too different from ur average person my age i cant #connect with them in any way. and i also dont know how to talk to people or make friends or to find people that are like me. ill just #not have anyone forever #i guess #especially bc now i dont hate myself enough to hang out with people i dont like so like. i dont even have that as an option skdbskdjks #Every friend i ever made happened bc the other person reached out to me first and insisted on it. all the friendships that stuck were the #gay autistic/adhd weirdonerds who can relate to my hyperfixations and dont expect me to act Normal™. idk how to find the former group irl #and have never once iniciated a friendship. my fate is to be someone who has online friends only and exclusively #and dont even get me STARTED on the topic of having a girlfriend someday- #anyways. certified magnus archives moment