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chirpsythismorning · 6 months

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This is a continuation in exploring why I think Mike's character regression over the seasons can be explained in part by guilt, which he has yet to confront

Original post

Now we're onto s2, which jumps us ahead in the timeline a bit.

Mike has been calling out to El on the walkie for approx. 252 days now, under what he views as the false hope she might actually be alive. This is mostly based on the fact that Mike thought he saw El outside of his house a few hours after she 'died' (he did see her, bc she was there...) and so a part of him does think there's a chance. And yet this is also isn't something Mike seems to be comfortable talking about the others with.

Which brings us to the crazy together scene. Although this scene has a lot going on, there's one aspect of it in particular that I want to focus on, as it's the driving force for what is going to be discussed, which is that Halloween night was also the last night Mike called El, aka day 353.

I just want to preface what follows, with the fact that I do not personally think Mike giving up calling El, as a concept on its own, means that he couldn't possibly love El romantically or something. It's not even about that idea from an audience perspective. And this is because any average person, in reality, mourning someones' death, should not be calling out to that person for almost a year. Letting go doesn't make you a bad person, whether it was romantic, platonic or even familial. It's called healing and accepting what is and trying to move on and live your life.

Neither does Mike giving up after that night make him heartless or a bad character in my opinion. It literally just makes him human. But that also doesn't mean that's how Mike feels about it, nor does it mean that the manifestation of this guilt isn't going to affect his behavior over the course of the series, causing some very unfortunate choices on Mike's part to then lead to some very unfortunate events for everyone...

Where it starts to get sort of complex is that I think the whole point of the crazy together scene and where it ended up was to for it to showcase how Mike and Will were both willing to accept each other, despite these secrets they've been keeping to themselves.

Will revealed the truth to Mike about how he could still see into the UD, with the addition of seeing this big 'shadow in the sky', followed by asking Mike to not tell the others because they wouldn't understand. Mike then responds by saying El would understand, followed by confiding his own secret to Will that he's been keeping from the others, which is that he thinks he's seen signs that El could still be alive.

The scene then ends with them in agreement that if they're both going crazy, they'll go crazy together, with it arguably being their most incriminatingly romantic moment to date, as it juxtaposes other uncannily similar romantic mentions on the show involving that same word.

But no matter what happens, they're promising to support each other, specifically the weird shit they have going on and could presumably continue to explore that weirdness, without telling anyone else who might judge them for it or misunderstand their feelings entirely...

This is why Mike had no problem with Will going crazy in s2 because as promised, he was going to be right there with him. Also meaning, Mike COULD have had no problem continuing to test out his theory that El was alive, because Will would have supported him.

Obviously, Will sort of had his hands tied in s2 (literally?), but the point still stands. It's not like this was something Mike HAD to give up, because that conversation between him and Will instilled that they would support each other and what makes them feel crazy.

I think the issue though, is that what's causing Mike so much grief daily for almost a year now, is the guilt that came with El's death and him feeling responsible. And so, in contrast to Will's slightly more justified assumptions that what he's seeing could actually be real based on what's happened to him, it's like Mike is asking himself whether he's actually seeing El because she's still alive OR is he just imagining she's still alive because he wants to forgive himself?

A kid deducing that in their head would make them feel pretty awful, don't you think? Maybe even lead them to calling out to that person for almost a year in hopes that they might still be alive?

Meaning Mike choosing that night to walk away, to give up, is likely a result of his conversation with Will making him feel more comfortable with finally letting go of some of that guilt in order to actually start the process of moving on. Because a big part of why he didn't want to move on was because of guilt in the first place.

Also confiding in Will and only Will, not the others, who were hell bent on interpreting all of Mike's feelings for El as romantic, was maybe Mike's way of avoiding the pressure to associate his whole relationship with El as strictly romantic. With Will, maybe Mike knew he wasn't going to spin it into something like that. And he would’ve been right, because Will didn't.

October 30th, Halloween Night (Day 353 - Last call)

You cannot tell me that day 353 isn't framed as the last call. Like Mike is literally walking away dramatically, leaving El alone, with her now just a tiny dot surrounded by darkness. The way it's framed leaves the viewer genuinely feeling heartbroken because there's some very evident finality to what is being presented. And we even see that El feels it too, hence the episode cutting off dramatically with her tear filled eyes.

And so why did Mike choose THIS moment to give up? Why did he choose now to put his 353 day streak to rest? Like, that was impressive as hell. He could have easily kept that going, but instead he decided that this was going to be the last time he was going to try calling out to her...

November 1st (Day 354)

El is still pretty bummed that Hopper came home late last night, but I'm guessing she's even more bummed still processing what might have very well been Mike finally giving up that night too.

Although I don't think El would blame Mike for giving up, still, she too throughout all of this had been building up hope herself. El's been clinging onto the bond she made with Mike, specifically the romantic moments, to the point where she has been watching shows with romantic themes, putting herself in the position of the love interest.

So him not giving up, to El, has been a signal that what they are feeling between each other is very deep and... romantic. Him keeping this going this long is a sign to her that these feelings are pretty much guaranteed. And if he doesn't continue, that hope would obviously dwindle.

At breakfast that morning, Hopper acknowledges the TV cord peaking out of El's room, which is the device she uses to visit Mike from the void, all the way from the cabin. Without it, she is not able to 'communicate' with him, let alone see if he actually didn't give up after that night she feared he did...

Unfortunately her and Hopper have an argument after this, leading to her storming off to her room. And after Hopper is gone, El finds herself being so impatient to see Mike after almost a year of waiting, that she decides to take fate into her own hands. She isn't willing to wait until the evening, which is roughly speaking the usual time Mike uses the walkie to call her every night. She needs to see him now.

And lucky(?) for her, she does!

Finally! A SIGN! After almost a year of no signs that El is alive, since the night she went missing, Mike is getting a sign El is alive!

And he runs after it! He goes to check to confirm his (valid) suspicions, only for her to not be there, with Mike looking disappointed, but also kind of like he's accepted it's a lost cause at this point.

Mike's hope that El is alive and okay and the relief that would come with finally letting go of this massive weight of guilt, is not within reach. He just needs to accept it and let it go. He needs to forgive himself and move on.

On top of all of this, Will is experiencing his own version of crazy. And Mike seems more concerned with focusing on this and supporting Will, than holding onto this hope that El is alive.

So even though Mike just got a sign that El is alive (which parallels to the initial evidence of her being alive outside his house, what literally initiated him to call out to her for almost a year), he doesn't revert back to his approach of not giving up. He sticks by his decision.

The irony of what happens with El the same night that Mike doesn't call, for the first time, is not lost on me...

Tragically, El doesn't know Mike actually gave up (just like she feared he did) because she lost her ability to communicate with him that night.

I wonder how differently things would have played out if she new the truth. Would she have held onto this really romanticized idea of her and Mike's relationship because he never gave up? Or would she have maybe reassured Mike that it was okay that he gave up and moved past it and still hoped and tried to make it work? Honestly, I think the later.

Because again, it's not Mike giving up that makes him a bad person or something that refutes his ability to love her romantically, it just means that it's not true that he never gave up.

And Mike being the only person to know this fact... Um... Cannot be good for him.

October 2nd (Day 355)

As El is trying to revive a modicum of hope that she can see Mike again through the void, to confirm her hopes that he didn't give up, by using the TV like she usually does, she discovers that the cord is broken. It's a lost cause.

On the other side of town, Mike is entirely focused on Will. The previous night, he did not reach out to El. He gave up. And El is none the wiser.

The writers made the choice to have one more night that Mike could have called El because he was at home that night on day 354, a day that actually involved an incident that you'd think would have reignited his hope that she was alive, before he inevitably jumped head first into focusing on Will, with him not being home for the rest of the season. They could have shown us Mike calling out to El from the other side of town, and then cut to her in her room not knowing... And yet, they didn't...

This is where I jump to the end, because the focus primarily when it comes to El and Mike's arcs for the rest of the season are with El trying to find her mom and discover more about herself, while Mike is trying to be there for Will in any way he can.

The sad part is that despite Mike giving up and trying to move on from El's death, that guilt is never really going to go away. He gave El expectations that she had to risk her life to find Will, and all of that built up and inadvertently led to her death.

But maybe Mike can right the wrongs he had El endure by following through on his focus of not letting Will die too? Maybe if Mike can save Will, El wouldn't have died for nothing?

But with this guilt and Mike trying to overcorrect it all, he's also experiencing very real and emotional moments with Will. Will is his best friend, and just a year ago Mike risked everything to get him back. A lot of those moments he experienced with El in s1, moments mixed with romantic expectations, are now also lingering here with him and his friend in s2. Except these aren't forced expectations. Everything Mike’s feeling and doing the entire time comes naturally to him, with none of it requiring pushing or advice from those around him. It's just pure instinct.

In the end, Mike's beside Joyce and Jonathan, who are sharing memories they have with Will to him in hopes it will prove to them he's still in there and able to be saved.

This emotional sequence builds up to Mike using his own memory of Will to try to reach him, one that comes off as platonic in every sense of the word, but visually, and when looked at in the grand scheme of things, especially with what is about to follow and those romantic expectations with El soon being thrust back on him... Well... Shit is about to get real messy.

Upon reuniting with El, Mike was quick to want to tell her that he never gave up, only for her to interrupt him with the exact number of days he called (before he gave up).

This is news to Mike for an abundance of reasons. It means he's not crazy and that El actually was alive those two times he saw her. All this (survivors) guilt that's been building up over the last year could have been avoided if he'd known that she didn't die, that she was okay.

It also means that for some reason, El heard him, and yet she doesn't know that he gave up...

And here Hopper is, revealing that he's been hiding her the whole time aka the perfect person for Mike to take all of this pent-up emotion out on.

Hopper then tells Mike that they will discuss this privately, which I find to be very interesting because it offers a chance for the viewer to see just a glimpse into Mike's emotional state at this moment, without everyone around to affect his ability to truly open up about how he's feeling. And not alone just anywhere in the house, but in Will's room...

Mike is understandably upset because El is alive and Hopper knew this whole time and didn't tell him.

While Hopper didn't technically lie to Mike, at least not in canon because we never got an outright scene on-screen of Mike asking Hopper if El was alive with him denying it (all while knowing she was), it's at the very least a lie of omission...

But the thing is, if Hopper not clueing Mike in on El being alive qualifies as a lie of omission (off-screen), so does Mike not telling El he gave up (on-screen).

If anything Mike's lie of omission also qualifies as a plain old lie, because he outright told El he didn't give up (lied) and didn't correct her when she informed him she knew he didn't. She fully believed it, despite him knowing deep down that it wasn't the full truth.

So while Mike is taking all of his anger out on Hopper as this fighting match comes to a head, it takes a turn.

Hopper is fine with Mike blaming him, he says it's 'okay'. But it's not. Nothing about this is okay to Mike, seeing as this isn't even the whole problem. It's not the problem Mike's actually hiding within his outburst in the first place.

Suddenly Mike starts screaming to Hopper that he's a 'disgusting, lying, piece of shit', chanting LIAR over and over and over again, shoving him repeatedly, only for him to fall into Hopper's arms and start crying, with Hopper reassuring him that he's okay.

Something tells me Mike's emotions here aren't all about Hopper...

Something tells me that Mike's fixation with the word liar doesn't apply to Hopper here as much as it applies to Mike himself (in his eyes)...

The main reason why I think this is what's actually going on here, is because there was no reason to put so much emphasize on this concept of Mike literally walking away that last time he called her.

Why go through the trouble of creating this misunderstanding, by having the TV not work, with El not being able to go into the void to see Mike, THE very night he gave up, if to not plant the seed that this misunderstanding was going to bear some significance? That this misunderstanding (lie? lie of omission?) was going to lead to El assuming Mike didn't give up, all while Mike knows he gave up, but going along with the story that he didn't, for both El's sake and his own?

BECAUSE it's a surprise tool that will help us later!

I also think it's interesting that they decided to have Will go off and dance with a girl at the snowball BEFORE Mike decided to devote himself to El here on out. Like... that is quite the choice after a season of highlighting this bond between Will and Mike where they promise to go crazy together, which is a moment we know Will took romantically.... So, is it possible Mike also took it romantically? We know Will also took Mike's speech to him in the shed romantically, so is it possible Mike did too, with that experience only heightening his emotions and confusion over his feelings for El when he found out she was alive shortly after, leading to his outburst? But then Will is going and dancing with the girl, and here we have Mike's own version of falling behind (the Time After Time lyrics were more literal than you think).

What if they didn't do all of that? Would things have maybe panned out slightly differently if Mike wasn't under the (incorrect) assumption that Will didn't take those moments romantically?

While Mike's guilt might have started in s1, when he played the biggest role in pushing expectations onto El to help them find Will, only for her to 'die', it doesn't end there. Mike's guilt only builds when he holds the knowledge that he did give up hoping she could be alive, all while allowing El to believe the opposite based on what she saw, which was a guiding force for not only her love and dedication to him flourishing, but also for him to then shift his own version of expectations onto himself going forward to make it up to El by trying to be who she wants him to be.

We see how romanticized 353 days is interpreted exclusively as meaning Mike has to be in love with El. But he did give up. So what does that mean for all of this? For their picture perfect love story?

What does it mean for Mike to hold onto this truth, a truth that makes him feel immense guilt, only for him to spend the next year or so making it up to her...?

It means either Mike has to come clean, or he has to deflect and double down.

What option do you think a guilt-ridden, repressed homosexual kid in the 80's is going to choose?

Answer? Deflect and double down.

In s3, Mike is so focused on worrying about El (giving her what he thinks she wants) so he can right all the building up of wrongs he has done at her expense since he met her, and as a result loses Will in the process (where have we heard this before...?)

Instead of Mike having a moment in s3 where he acknowledges that he himself was the first to ever refer to El as a weapon in the first place, to try to save Will in s1, he's now turning around and blaming the others for using El as a weapon 'for no reason'...

No reason? Really Mike? Is it for no reason, or is it just not a good enough reason to you this time?

Or maybe has Mike just actually spent enough time with El now to truly feel a bond with her in order to see her as a full person, slightly outside of this imaginary superhero he's cooked her up to be when he met her that day in the woods, the day his life started because she was his first and only hope of finding Will? (I say slightly bc... I mean we all saw what happened in s4?)

I honestly think it's a mix of both...

I also think it's not a coincidence that Mike doubling down instead of facing the truth about this manifestation of guilt only makes things worse for him. And El. And Will.

Because suddenly he's choosing this moment to blurt out that he loves and can't lose her again, in front of everyone, even to his own dismay and shock. And when El walks in and gives him a chance to say it to her himself, like any person whose in love with someone would want to do, to make them feel loved, he looks terrified.

And when the season ends and Mike is given another chance to say it finally, to El directly, in roughly the exact same spot he had his emotional outburst in the previous season over finding out she was alive at the same time he was still grappling with losing Will again, IN WILL'S ROOM, he freezes. He just lets what happens, happen.

Because after everything, with El right now in front of him, telling him she loves him while being fully convinced he loves her too after everything they've went through, how could he possibly take it back, or try to make her understand his complicated feelings about all of this?

Answer? He can't.

As hard as it is to believe (not that hard honestly based on his track record), Mike's deflection and stalling era is just beginning...

#byler #stranger things #mike wheeler #st analysis #it's just a tragic bizarre love triangle ok it's doing it's job #anyways #mike is a repressed coward #but also a guilt ridden child #both can be true at once #doesn't make him a bad person #just makes him a human with poor choices #and when you make some of the choices he's made and refuse to confront them for what they are #and choose to keep doubling down and stalling instead of facing that truth #the truth will eventually come to bite you in the ass #especially when there is a bad guy that feeds off guilt..#like i'm sorry mike but you're toast #he can try to deny it all he wants (granted he doesn't have much time at this rate...)#he can try to be the perfect boyfriend he thinks el deserves #he can try to convince himself that writing to el is his way of being devoted to her in the way that a boyfriend is supposed to be #and simultaneously not write to will bc that's romantic and that's a gesture reserved for el ('ThAtS bEcAuSe ShE's My GiRlFrIeNd WiLl!')#and compensate in his own mind by calling will a bunch #hoping his friend will answer so that he can convince himself they're still platonic and do this all the way he's supposed to #but dude...#why didn't you tell will you called?...#why didn't you tell el you stopped calling?...#i think i have an idea...

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dudeyuri · 1 year

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I'm having thoughts and feelings about bad buddy must be a day that ends in y. But like, last episode tomorrow, kind of verklempt, need to word vomit

My first watch of Bad Buddy kind of smacked me upside the head. I know this is not a unique experience. I was left reeling for a bit. Watching Bad Buddy was the first thing I did in 2023 and I watched all 12 episodes in one sitting like a glutton and I stayed up til 1am even though I had to get up at 4am the next day (I haven't done stupid shit like that since college). Then I started my rewatch the next day. Then I put it aside for months because it was actually a physical ache in my chest when I thought about it. I just...never?? encountered such a fulfilling narrative that followed through on all its promises. Even with its deliberate deceptions and twists and uncertainties - I put my trust in Bad Buddy's narrative and was rewarded for doing so like never before.

It got me from the first episode - the first episode did what I think almost every first episode should do: tell you exactly what the story is going to be, without telling you exactly what the story is going to be. Fantastic writing, deliberate pacing, satisfying character development, pitch-perfect acting, all top-notch. It kept the energy up all throughout even as it got heavier, and stuck the landing in such a profound and bittersweet way. This was the first Thai BL I've ever watched, and probably the third BL I've ever watched period. One of my first impressions after finishing it even for the first time was that it was, maybe above all else, self aware.

My initial impression was also not a unique one: so far this is funny, charming, an exciting premise. And by episode 4 I was starting to get hit with it: this story is all those things and a knife in your gut, a lump in your throat. And it's queer, and it's tragic. Like, from the jump we see the two households both alike in dignity, we know what this is: it's Romeo and Juliet (or Kwan and Riam). We know how it ends. Pran knows how it ends. They teased us the whole show with Pran's decor, his doorknob hanger, like this show's version of a comedy and tragedy mask - what's it going to be? How's it going to end? Everyone watching knows how romcoms typically end. But everyone also knows how Romeo and Juliet ends.

In a move that can really only be described as revolutionary, Bad Buddy decided that queering the Romeo and Juliet narrative meant a happy ending. With caveats, but happy and alive and together. It was as simple as two characters finding their agency in a world trying to deprive them of it, seeing every path around them that led to tragedy, and instead trailblazing a new one that led to happiness. (everything that could be said about this has already been said; I look to this essay by @chickenstrangers often!! helped me make sense of pat gets shot lol. MK I hope you're not sick of people linking this left and right). It's a narrative choice that resounds.

I was personally struck by that specific pain Pat and Pran experience, the pain of having to lie to your parents and keep love a secret from them - is there a queer person out there who doesn't relate to that in a bone-achingly deep way? Regardless of your relationship with your family. Having to partition yourself like this is part of the queer experience. And it's exhausting because you just have to live like this. It's exhausting because the people who are supposed to love you have made a liar of you instead. You can be surviving and thriving and happy, but your parents will still ask your siblings about their love lives and ask you about the weather (too real??? oops). There's a hint at a possible thawing in the final episode that gives hope, but Bad Buddy does not magically make the parents realize they were wrong and accept their sons' love - I mean, that just doesn't happen. It would have made for a disingenuous ending, it would have been a disservice to the narrative and to the viewers and to the metaphor. If you're lucky enough to have parents who would, you're lucky. It's a sad truth. "We can't change the world...but the world can't change us either."

At first glance, Bad Buddy plays in the "BL bubble". Upon a slightly closer examination Bad Buddy says there can never really be a bubble--stories aren't crafted in a vacuum, the dominant ideology that is homophobia traumatizes and endangers and oppresses all who do not align with it, still there are happy endings for us here. We find each other and carve them out ourselves. To say all this, and to not veer into heavy-handed "yeah okay we get it" territory is a feat honestly! Seldom accomplished in such a riveting and sexy way! How refreshing! Bad Buddy reminded me of reading a good poem - upon first read, a good poem is about "a thing," and it's evocative as is and you don't even have to read it again to enjoy it. But you can also consider it carefully and unearth "the other thing," a deeper meaning, the answer to "why was this written?". Bad Buddy trusts its viewers to get there. I mean I know it's really not much of a hidden message, but again, they are subtle with it, iykyk etc. BB doesn't hold our hand, but it takes our trust and respects it and doesn't break it (though it shakes the jar, like quite a bit, lol. All good stories should tbh).

I think a lot about the form, too. In a less capable storyteller's hands 12 one-hour-long episodes can drag (I'm thinking of some recent gmmtv BLs lol), or even not be enough (I feel like I personally see that in a lot of western shows whose fanbases are out here begging for second seasons to tie up loose ends). P'Aof (and co.) knew exactly what to do with 12 episodes. Has anyone in the entire history of TeleVision ever known what to do with 12 one-hour-long episodes as undeniably as P'Aof and co in making Bad Buddy??

I know I'm being a little dramatic, excessively lauding good writing like this. Like yeah stories should be good and thoughtful and make sense, of fucking course. But I just have to appreciate it in a genre, in a capitalist reality, where a story does not have to be profound or clever or full of love to be marketable. They truly did not have to go this hard. (Though the writer in me who now considers Aof a personal idol also thinks: yes of course they absolutely did have to go this hard in fact It Is The Only Way). I'm so so grateful for it for so many reasons!! And I didn't even breach the topic of how fun and sexy I think Pat and Pran are together. Didn't even mention the fingersucking, the scent kink, the kissies - all genuinely just as important to me as everything else. It's all in the making of a good story! I am taking notes through my tears and I am so thankful

#bad buddy #when you adapt the most adapted tragic love story ever and ‘knocked it out of the park’ is an understatement

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yb-cringe · 9 months

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alright wybie here's a free ask to talk my ear off about fitpac GO

this is like a trap isnt it ih gos ok yea

the thing that gets me abt fitpac is that its not that deep. and i dont mean that in an insulting way or that their impacts on one another arent expansive and hugely helpful but i mean it in that like. theres no catch. i love spiderbit for their complexity i love fitpac for their simple, slow, love

that by no means is me insinuating its not got its edges though. theyre just. sweet.

i think both of them have a lot of trauma when it comes to imprisonment and just general fear for their lives and while that could be said for a lot of people on the server i think whats important is that they’ve recognized that in each other? or at least fit has from what ive seen

and pac (and mike tbf) need a constant right now. things are crazy people are disappearinf theres no stability but they can always trust that fit will be there and he will listen and more importantly that he SEES them and will defend them

i think my thoughts abt them boil down to ‘pac needs consistency. a solid rock. he needs a recognizable pattern that doesnt change so he can have a safety net’ and ‘fit spent so long in survival he doesnt know how to just Live and he needs someone to be patient with him’

and its not easy for Either of them especially right fucking now. whats happened is that fit is trying to be the solid foundation for a bunch of people and its wearing him thin. and pac is just speedrunning traumas.

god the babysteps thing will forever be imprinted on the back of my eyes tho. like yeah fit needs to go rly fucking slow. hes a traumatized single father and hes fucking cautious about everything. always has been. letting someone into his life and giving them space in his heart is a big fucking deal. he just cannot afford to make that choice lightly. hell even ramón had to be patient for a bit

whats the fuckin saying like. fell first but he fell harder? wheres the ‘he fell first but didnt wanna think about it until he accepted it at which point he fell so fucking hard it would ruin him to lose it’ thats qfit. he literallt cannot even say the words date or romance or love or wven really Like in a romantic context about pac because shit will get too real and he needs to go slow rven if he has to FORCE HIMSELF to move slowly.

gkd i dont even know where to start with pac. he needs consistency so bad. and mike was that- mike IS that. pac is someone who needs company he needs someone to be near especially lately after his whole kidnapping thing where he was alone in that fuckin room after whatever they did to him—

hes been through so much shit and he just needs someone to stay- someone to turn to and know he’s got slmeone on his side. like pac in his own right is sort of paranoid —not the kind of way he has been recently though.

but like if you had to force tazercraft into designations of head and heart, pac would be the mind and mike would be the heart. pac is thinking ahead, he’s trying to force himself to move on because he knows mike wont, he’s trying to avoid doing things too crazy to keep them off the radar— he’s keeping them out of trouble when he can remember to.

not to say hes not chaotic and passionate in his own right but yknow. comparisons. but hes a thinker yjnow he plans for the future and if he doesnt have someone to be his safety net he fucking panics and doesnt do things he wants to because he’s worried about being caught out alone without any support

all of this to say that he doesnt Really think of romance more then Fun because he needs safety nets first. which is also kind of why the moving slow thing works for him because he’s definitely not going to realize how in deep he is like love wise until its too late. and he probablt cant even fuckin risk it right now considering yhh like Everything going on.

#sorry this ended up more as a character analysis and its so messy #i just have a lot of thoughts about them #long story short; gay men with ptsd love each other through recognition of the other and their flaws #and it makes my heart ache #qsmp liveblogging #asks

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sunkissed-zegras · 23 days

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Hamster nonnie on the computer get ready. This is a big heavy so buckle up... plz :b

Or I'm soaking your socks in pickle juice, your favorite fucking socks at that >:b.

Touching on a topic I've mentioned in the past; about how The girls are lucky the manager is the way she is.

People who have been on the team with the manager years before, make it a point to tell the freshman to "Be grateful that she's as understanding and empathetic as she is, don't take it for granted." I see the manger as someone who was doing summer training before she officially became the manger, and had some situations to deal with then and very quickly showed that she may be remorseful, but she will not put up with your shit.

I've talked about how the manager want's to be petty soooo fucking bad when the girls hurt her, or piss her off, or whatever; but she can't. She understands. Going back to the manager being an academic weapon I heavily suspect that due to the broken family she came from, she's taken Psychology classes to try and understand why. How does the brain work, why did her dad leave, why is her mom barely present.

She wanted answers so she threw herself into Psychology thinking that that was going to give her what she wanted, but quickly she realized the harsh reality of the actions of the people around her. It wasn't some chemical deficiency, It wasn't an Illness, people just sometimes are like that. This realization really took a tole on her, I feel like us as people have that realizations sometimes that people are just bad people regardless of what mentality they have. There was no excuse.

During this time she also got familiar with co existence within cause and effect:

Yes she is resilient, and she needs a break.

Yes she was sure, and things change.

Yes she forgives that person, and that does not mean acsess.

Yes others have it worse, and your pain is still valid.

Yes she gave it her all, and she needs to back up.

Yes her parent's did all they could, and their choices wounded her.

Yes she can understand the situation, your frustration, your emotions, and that does not mean that it was right to take it out on her.

And I feel like that ^ always sends the girls and even Geno into a loop. Of how understanding she it whilst also standing 10 toes down on that boundary that just because she understands, does not mean it was okay. Being stern yet caring, putting up a border for space because she needs it, but it's soft enough to touch when she's needed.

When any of the girls know they fucked up, while they may be hesitant, and sensing the aura the manger is giving them. They still feel comfortable stepping up and apologizing when they feel ready. She's build this empire of warmth and nurturing covered with fences full of thorns as a reminder of acceptance but stinging realizations.

There's that comfort but also that professional boarder that she also puts up, not to caring and kind to make it seems as though what happened was okay & they're back on good terms, but not cold and stoic enough to make it seem as through they've revived someone who is just their manager and a void of who used to be their friend.

-🐹(sorry not sorry for the angst nehhehhehhehheh)

oh my hod, you’ve done it again nonnie 😮‍💨😮‍💨 this is ABSOLUTE GOLD!!!!

she’s such a psych girly i’m so glad we agree on this because yes!!! she’s such a healthy communicator too bc she knows that if you keep it all in, it’ll blow up in your face HOWEVER she never pushes them to open up until they want to, cause she also knows that isn’t good either

I ALSO LOVE WE CAN GALK AB RHE FUNNIEST SHIT ONE SECOND AND THEN NOW WE’RE PSYCHO-ANALYZING HER ITS SO FUNNY😭😭😭😭😭😭

this entire ask is just chefs kiss 💋

#🐹 nonnie!#uconn wbb manager thoughts 💭

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odinsblog · 1 year

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how do you avoid right wingers (& centrists that use slurs) when making political posts? i want to be able to help inform other people but the nastiness i’ve received makes me want to give up. i understand why some people avoid politics entirely

Hello there, @land-shark-is-here

Honestly, I don’t avoid them. What I mean is, you can’t avoid them.

They drop into my asks just to sling the n-word at me and then they just keep strolling by like nothing happened

They’re literally out there by the tens of thousands, and they’re loud

After a while I’ve learned that instead of internalizing their vitriol or letting them get me down, the best I can really do is delete their comments and then block them (in that order - it matters). Most of these trolls are looking to ride the coattails of your posts to gain the visibility that they cannot get on their own — unless you can crush their foolishness with a particularly witty or devastatingly insightful comeback, deny them that visibility. Don’t, as they say, feed the trolls

(please see also: x, y, and z)

And even when comments and reblogs by other trolls might make it *appear* that dozens and dozens of other bloggers are expressing agreement with a troll, that is almost always an illusion. Online trolls travel in packs. Seriously. If you visit a comment troll’s blog, you will probably see the following things: their blog is almost exclusively nothing but them shitting on someone else’s posts, or they are in constant communication with other comment trolls who do the same thing, or they’re just bored conservative porn bloggers. Anyway, when a comment troll sees one of their ilk latch onto a post, they dog pile it. I have witnessed this repeatedly with pro-gun bloggers and anti-choice bloggers. I’ve seen them force some bloggers to delete some really great posts over the years, because the person felt overwhelmed and outnumbered due to being ganged up on

And learn to spot sea lions - they’re the disingenuous trolls who always seem to be interested in genuine discourse, but no matter how many times you answer their questions, somehow it’s never quite enough—that’s because their true goal is to keep peppering you with “simple” questions that require a ton of thought on your part. They could care less about your answers. Their mission is to wear you out. Death by a thousand cuts, so to speak. Their job is to remain unconvinced, no matter how much sense your replies might make. Please understand: they want you to get discouraged and give up. Because as you and others like you quit, their version of reality becomes more accepted, and they gain control of the narrative, and they eventually become the “common sense” gatekeepers, and ultimately their way of thinking will shift the Overton window ever rightwards. If we let that happen

Look, on the other hand it’s always a good idea to open ourselves to the possibility that we might be wrong. There is nothing wrong with honest and respectful debate, if that’s how you want to spend your time. No one is right all of the time. No one is wrong all of the time. We’re human. So sometimes we do need to hear what those who disagree with us are thinking. (Within reason, ofc. I’m not talking about Nazis or people who think Black people and/or LGBTQ, etc people are second class and less than human - fuck those so called “viewpoints”) If nothing else, we learn how to retort their disingenuous arguments—but that has its limits. You are not a doormat for trolls to amuse themselves

But if you dO decide to engage the trolls, it’s never a bad idea to invest in learning logical fallacies and how to debate, so that you have the skills to thoroughly deconstruct a troll’s specious arguments (and honestly I need to take my own advice here)

So unless you genuinely want to enlighten an audience with your response to a troll, my advice is to go heavy on blocking. It may take a while, but just like tending a garden, eventually you will see your online space become more de-trolled. It’s self care. It’s not living in a bubble or being a snowflake. If you spend a significant portion of your time online, please remember that you deserve some peace of mind, even in online spaces

I hope you found this helpful

Good luck

#land-shark-is-here #ask #answered #politics #advice #comment trolls #online trolls

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orionsangel86 · 10 months

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I'm not in the Good Omens fandom, so maybe I've got this wrong, but I suspect why everyone on my dash seems to be clamoring for an immediate fix-it besides obvious fandom impatience. I think a lot of people are convinced that basically nothing is coming back from the strikes. Tbh I kind of am myself. I've just accepted that we're never going to see Sandman s2 or GO s3 because Amazon and Netflix are shit. At least with Sandman we have the books?

I admit its a tough situation to be in. I guess for me, I am trying to have hope that the streamers will eventually see sense, because otherwise their business models are gonna fail and they are going to lose revenue anyway. Eventually some sort of deal will be made and the work will start again, I just hope beyond hope that the deal is everything the WGA and SAGAFTRA want.

I have more hope for a GOS3 than I do for a Sandman tbh. Simply because making films and TV isn't Amazon's main source of income so they can be a bit more flexible with their choices. They have renewed far less popular shows for far longer. It seems almost like the entertainment division is more a hobby or pet project for Amazon than its main focal point so IDK, I'm just not all that worried about Amazon Prime. I genuinely think Amazon is very proud of GO and they won't let go of it anytime soon. It's also one of their most popular shows so I'd be really surprised if they cancel it (though, then again, with the strikes anything can happen). We also still have the BBC backing it up I believe? Though I doubt they'd ever have the budget to take over fully if Amazon decided not to continue with it, but perhaps its possible the BBC could look for a new partner in that unlikely scenario? I dunno I'm not a media expert here by any means.

Sandman though is a different story. Extremely expensive, and on a streaming service notorious for cancelling shows mid season. With the strikes, I can see them changing their minds and cancelling Season 2 even though it started filming in some bitter attempt to get back at strikers and claim tax breaks where they can. I don't trust them at all. I loathe the Netflix execs because they have been cancelling, making excuses, and screwing over creatives for years now. They are the ones that started it all, and the other streamers simply took their ideas and ran with them. I wish Sandman had been on a different streamer. I feel like it would have been safer on Amazon Prime. Even if we do manage to get through to season 2 of Sandman, I have absolutely zero faith that we'll make it through to the end of the story on Netflix.

Though at least with Sandman, I believe (though correct me if I'm wrong) that Neil still holds all the rights, and if Netflix cancels it, he can put the option out to other networks/streamers to pick it up again? So even if Netflix does what Netflix always does, there is every possibility that it'll just jump to a different network to finish the story.

I hope that is the case, because in all honesty if I had to put money down on a bet on whether or not Netflix will follow through with Sandman right through to the Wake, I'll be betting against them. I just don't see it happening. Netflix are too flakey and well, evil, to care about stories to do it justice.

To your first point, I can understand the fear and do sympathise with fans being hurt and upset that GOS2 ended on such a grim cliffhanger, I just don't think the hate and denial and screams of "out of character!" are the way to handle that fear. But diving straight into fanfiction is a totally acceptable and encouraged way to manage the feelings anyone may have over the ending! That's totally fine! Keep the fix-its to fanfiction, but please stop clamouring for reasons why the ending was wrong and bad and stupid and worth sending Neil Gaiman inbox hate over. You're all better than that.

#Good Omens #Good Omens Season 2 #good omens season 2 spoilers #the sandman #fuck the streamers #neil gaiman #anti netflix #less anti amazon prime but they are still awful #fandom discourse #asks

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skye-huntress · 1 year

Text

RWBY Volume 9 Reaction

Episode 9: “A Tale Involving a Tree”

After almost 9 volumes, it’s finally happening, Summer’s debut. So she’s the mysterious narrator we’ve heard. Probably should have guessed that

One of the best things about animated fairytales series was seeing little Ruby and Yang, but now we have them in the main show, too! Precious!

Some people have been giving shit to WBYJ for not reacting to what Ruby was doing. Shock and confusion aside, they can barely understand what Ruby is going through, and if they had any idea of what to say to her, if any words even existed, they would have already said them by now. Plus, rushing into a fight against Neo is a bad idea.

More importantly though, I know what I’m about to say might sound controversial, however, I think this needed to happen for Ruby’s own sake. What Neo did was cruel, but ultimately all she really did was speed up the process that was already in motion from the moment Ruby arrived in the Ever After. She needed to confront (or be confronted by) her innermost demons and decide to make a change for herself

As has been stated repeatedly, ascension is not death, it is all about renewal. The Tree helped the Paper Pleasers become exactly what they wanted to be. As the Genial Gems, they serve the same purpose as before without the need to be constantly protected by a “hero”.

“It isn’t a place you go, it’s a place you know.” They needed to understand and accept the nature of the tree in order to reach it.

Now they must accept Ruby’s choice. It’s not up to anyone else to decide who or what she should be, it’s something she has to figure out for herself. In that sense, ascension is much closer to transitioning than it is to suicide.

The Herbalist seems to have taken their time. The Gems must have been faster because they had a clearer idea of what they wanted to be.

So since Neo has no more attachments to Remnant, she can’t pass through the door and the Cat can’t use her to leave. This also suggests that Neo is still in there somewhere if the cat needs a host that still holds a desire to return.

I was already certain that Lewis escaped to Remnant. It made far more sense that he wrote that children’s book as a way to honour his sister. Alyx was the one who stayed behind, to take responsibility for her own actions, and that’s when the Cat betrayed her.

Alyx wanted to help Jaune and I noticed that she had some kind of rabbit insignia on her clothes. I’ve suspected this for a while but is everyone thinking what I’m thinking?

Since the backup host was a bust, it’s now a fight to protect Ruby until she finishes her ascension. Unfortunately, the Cat seems to have full use of Neo’s Semblance on top of its own abilities.

The zombie looking Ruby’s they created definitely look creepy but I figure she’d look worse if they actually possessed her.

As I was saying before, fighting against Neo, possessed or not, is very problematic. It’s too easy for the eyes to be deceived in the heat of battle and of course, friendly fire is much more likely.

Eh, it’s Jaune, he’s probably fine… wait, did Weiss hit him with fire? Hmm…

Anyway, checking in with Ruby. There’s the Blacksmith again.

It’s as I thought, it is the individual who is ascending who gets to decide what they become and they can be anything. I suspect in theory if Ruby or any Afteran wanted to keep their memories after ascension, they could.

Ruby still desires to be a hero like in the stories her mother read her, but she doesn’t feel like she is enough. She doesn’t know what or who she has to become to fulfil that desire.

The episode ends with Ruby reaching for her mother’s weapon but I don’t think we’re quite done yet.

There’s something I’ve been wondering for a while now. Why didn’t Little have a purpose? How were they too young to have one yet? As far as I can tell, Afterans merely exist. They don’t age or die, and it doesn’t seem like they reproduce. So I have a theory. What if the Ever After is full of souls who became lost? And what if rather than returning home like Lewis did, they chose to ascend and take on the simpler existence of an Afteran?

#rwby #rwby9 #rwby9 spoilers

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galactic-pirates · 1 year

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Ok so it’s a day ending in Y and so I am thinking about Star Trek.

What keeps echoing in my head right now is the “all men are born equal but some are more equal than others.”

I’m newly pissed because at its core Trek is that frustrating, maddening dichotomy of hope for the future vs. the reality and inability to really break away or imagine something truly different.

The thought of a post-scarcity sort of utopia especially given the current political hellscape is such a comfort. The future can be better if we let it.

Where the maddening dichotomy comes in is something that has always threaded through Trek. In that people are people, they are imperfect and so while they always try, they sometimes fail. But the characters we root for, they are ultimately supposed to be the good guys. The Federation might make a misstep, but our hero, is supposed to call them on it or wryly accept the hypocrisy and that they still have work to do, or something along that lines. That doesn’t always happen obviously because people are writing the show, and those people have biases and prejudices and those blinkers come through. There have been some damn uncomfortable Trek episodes that went wide of the mark.

I’m rambling and I’m not sure I’m making my point. Narrative framing. Once Upon a Time was absolutely awful for this. The objective facts of the events said one thing like a certain character was a bad guy, but the writers made the characters say what a hero he was. Evidence didn’t match. There was a real dissonance. It made for bizarre viewing.

Picard has the same kind of shit going on. Jack Crusher got upset, and threw one hell of a tantrum. Hours went by in which he stole a shuttle and of his own free will went to the Borg cube. Yes he was then assimilated, and yes I would usually argue that the assimilated are the Borgs first victims and are not responsible for what they do as drones. They aren’t in control of their own actions. Except Jack broke his own link to the collective so how deeply assimilated was he? Seems like a lot of free choice here. And his “fire fire fire, kill the unassimilated” killed a lot of people. They aren’t specific how many but with 50 ships, and space dock, and planetary defense etc. I’m thinking a few hundred bare minimum, probably more like a few thousand.

What happened next? Was there any justice? No. Daddy is a human Admiral. So fast-tracked through StarFleet, assigned to the Flagship as a special officer.

Brings back an old sore point of Picard and his legacy vineyard estate. The events of Romulus happened, Picard was on the right side of history in terms of wanting to help the Romulans but when he failed to convince StarFleet he just fucked off to his large country estate, and what was sad? 15 years, nice comfortable life, staff to take care of everything. Raffi had a small broken down trailer in the desert. Maybe that was partly her choice, maybe she could have had an apartment in the city or whatever, but not everyone can have huge legacy country estates.

So much privilege and yeah that’s the unfortunate nature of reality. But it makes me so damn frustrated. The Federation is an ideal, principles and hope, and the best of Trek shows how they try but people are flawed, so they make their best effort. Power corrupts and institutions can be rotten but our heroes are supposed to be better. To try.

The changelings might have infiltrated StarFleet but they wouldn’t have replaced all the top brass. Some but not all. Which even if I am generous and say the changelings suggested some things, the rest of them agreed. It’s like The Winter Soldier where Hydra won because Shield sleep walked down the road to trading freedom for security. Our heroes are supposed to call that out but Picard at least is leveraging his position of privilege and benefiting from it. If the narrative framed that as a mistake, I would find it compelling, but that’s not what’s happening, and it feels bad.

I’m all for the struggle that Trek embodies of reality vs dreams of something better but the narrative needs to frame it that way. And it’s not.

#Star Trek #star trek: picard #thinky thoughts

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tal-yadin · 2 years

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Ok as promised: an actual post about this rollercoaster of an episode!

Got long again (this is becoming a trend):

I'd like to preface this by saying that there was a lot of stupid shit that happened in this episode that i am fully aware was narratively required. Which doesn't mean i'm not going to complain about it (complaining about stupid shit is good for the soul i'll have you know), it just means that those complaints should be taken in the spirit that they were meant - i mean if you're not complaining about the stupid shit, are you really watching the show? :P

Now that that's out of the way, Onwards!

We pick up in this episode right where we left off - thank god - and while not it's not exactly a smart decision, porsche choosing to go with vegas is very in character for him. The fact is, vegas really hit the nail on its head, because porsche would have absolutely gone nuts having to sit in that cell and do nothing while shit was going down.

The next sequence is both one of my favorites in this ep and the one that's at the top of my stupid shit list.

Pete and porsche's fighting was so so good, like that was some grade A choreography and camerawork right there. I enjoyed the hell out of watching my best boys go tow to tow.

My main is issue is how exactly did vegas get out???! Kinn was RIGHT THERE!! did vegas run right past him?? Was ken waiting in the hallway with a convinient laundry basket for vegas to dive into?!?!? I just don't understand *sigh* at this point i'm about ready to accept that vegas is capable of straight up turning invisible. It's the only thing that makes sense.

Kinn and porsche facing off was a good tension moment. Porsche has made his choice and now kinn's gotta make his. Again, we later found out it wasn't a very smart choice (kinn could have just explained what was going on to porsche), but please refer back to the first paragraph because this definitely falls into the category of narratively required. It's also not entirely out of character, which helps a lot, kinn's braincells have a notoriously bad track record where porsche is concerned (put simply, my boy kinn is Whipped and i don't even blame him).

Smash cut to the absolute cutest pairing in this show! They are Cuddling on the Couch, this not a drill!! Hdbfjddnxb

Naturally, things goes to shit immediately, which is just par for the course. Kim kicking ass trying to save chay? Absolute gold. Strange men touching my BABY???! how fucking dare you?! 0/10 would not recommend! I can't believe we didn't even get to see porsche just absolutly whale on tawan for laying hands on chay, what a fucking letdown >:(

Meanwhile we have ken being the mole, i kinda figured as much from pretty early on cause he was important enough for us to know him but peripheral enough that he could have been getting up to all sorts of stuff off screen.

The warehouse scene was vegas' time to shine this episode and let it be known that they managed to actually throw me off with the way the plot went. Like i was thinking, vegas had a choice to make, reveal himself to keep tawan on his side or keep the game going for porsche's benefit. my boy chose neither, he was really like "i'm tired of being nice i just wanna go apeshit" and then HE DID. Give the man bonus points for the fucking performance, my poor little meow meow killed his villain reveal moment.

Now that flashback. That Flashback.

Let me tell you, vegas has never been so fucking chilling in all of his time on the screen as he was in that fucking flasback (No. Not even in his big torture scene, you'll see why, we'll get there). That motherfucker is so so good at playing sincere. He's such a fucking snake, i was quaking in my motherfucking boots ok?

There is one other thing that flashback did to me and that was hit me with bible's actual, physical size, like steel chair to the back. Look, i knew, in my brain, that bible is a little shorter than build (from interviews and stuff) but build has delicate features and often wears baggy clothes that make him look smaller, so it's easy to dismiss the difference as not big.

I also knew that bible is shorter than apo and less broad, because we have several shots in the show that show us as much, but here we run into the inescapable fact that apo is fucking built, like, my boy is a big dude. They try to disguise it a little in the show, with staging and camera angles, but the most helpful thing is the fact that mile (who he's on screen with the most) is about his size - slightly shorter but it's a very small difference - so bible being smaller is kind of a given.

And then there's na (tawan) who is about the same height as mile, and about as broad (again they resorted to clothing and staging tricks to make him look slimmer) but did you see the flasback??? He was Dwarfing bible.

When tawan was hugging vegas from behind?? Bible looked tiny.

Tinnie tiny bible.

What the FUCK? That realization killed me dead let me tell you. Ok now that i'm done freaking out over the size of these actors let's get back to the actual episode.

Kim coming to chay's rescue was so good, and that outfit? Mmmm top notch.

Big my baby no TAT i know the man was an incurable ass, but i liked him anyway. nodted my beloved was acting his little heart out in his final scene, and fuck if he didn't nail it.

Tawan losing his shit was well done, in general na really did an awesome job as a villian, like tawan was clearly having a blast and his infatuation with vegas was portrayed really well.

Interesting that this is the first time we've seen kinn smoking, in the aftermath of this clusterfuck of a day, which, you know, fair.

Kim my sweet emotionally constipated dumbass has dipped as soon as chay woke up - hope he gets better soon (he won't, he's in love and there's no getting away now).

Chay being angry at porsche is heart wrenching but reasonable (i'm not crying you're crying shut up).

And now to The Scene, that we have all been waiting for :D

Listen, build stole the fucking show in this scene in a major way. Like, i said earlier that vegas was at his most chilling in the flashback? it's because in this scene he's standing opposite pete, who was absolutely, balls to the wall terrifying ok?

Build just fucking killed it. the genuine amusement at vegas' temper about his plan failing, the eye contact, the screaming, like i'm sorry, but vegas paled in comparison.

Pete is now the freak king of this show and i would like to see someone try and take his throne.

(That entire scene was the definition of "mark me down as scared and horny". It did things to me ok? don't judge me)

Ken dying was unexpected, despite the bloodbath that this episode has been. Gun (pretty sure that's the spelling for his name?) was nice to see on screen, it's been a while. Perth did a really good job in that final scene as well.

I knew the head was coming as soon as they put the box on the table but props to tong for giving us an exteremely convincing reaction for tankhun, who might be getting more involved in the family business, but is still comperatively sheltered.

Also it's nice to know that vegas learned his snake tendencies from his dad.

Korn kinda disappointed me cause it would have been something to watch him shoot someone point blank in the head (the old lion has still got teeth), but i'm gonna go ahead and assume that they need gun to move the plot along.

The thing on the balcony was a nice back and forth, a little more realistic standpoint of the relationship than the honeymoon phase in episode 8, and we got the infamous bed scene *thunderous applause*

Kinn forgetting pete is also in the stupid shit category, but again, narratively required.

All in all i had lots of fun with this episode and i can't fucking wait for the next one.

#kinnporsche #kinnporsche ep 10

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lieutenantwilliamrusso · 2 years

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“It Will Come Back” is EVERYTHING. Truly, it’s one of the best stories I’ve ever read and I just can’t get enough of it. Your updates are always the highlight of my day and what makes me actually shake with utter excitement and happiness. I love the way you write Billy and Reader in this beautiful and wildly creative story — the emotions that radiate off them are authentic and addicting, and they’re just so real in their reactions. You never fail to mesmerize me with your writing, especially with the way you make it so easy for your readers to really feel what your characters do.

Speaking of feeling what Billy and Reader do… you best believe I’m an emotional mess right now after reading your latest chapter 😭. My heart is completely broken and all its fractured pieces sank right into my knotted stomach. I just feel so bad for the both of them because at the end of the day Reader really only wants Billy to be honest with her and give her the chance to choose for herself, Billy wants to make sure he doesn’t lose her no matter the cost, and they both really want nothing more than to be together… but sadly it’s not that easy and shit just keeps happening to them ~sobs~. And right now I’m so scared yet so intrigued to find out what the next steps will be for them!

All in all, I really enjoyed every part you’ve written and had completely fallen in love with this story. Season 1 was epic, so I can only imagine how Season 2 will be! 😍 And, honestly, after the way you left things off and what Billy made Reader feel, I am really hoping to see lots of groveling and softness and overall genuineness from Billy because I feel like Reader deserves that and their relationship (and us readers lol) needs it. I’d love to see Billy show Reader how much she means to him, make the effort to win her back the right way while still dealing and trying to control with his wolf side, and especially a further exploration of what their bond now means (like their special form of telepathy, which I loved by the way!). But no matter what, I have full faith in your creativity and whatever you have planned for us. You’ve easily become one of my favorite writers, so I know without a doubt that Season 2, and really anything you write, won’t ever disappoint 💞

— Kristina 🐺

Oh my god?!?!?!? Kristina this is so kind thank you so much!! Like literally made my day.

When I'm writing I try to make the characters seem real, like they're making choices that make sense and don't just like follow an "he likes her she likes him they fall in love" type of formula. My favorite stories are the ones that challenge you a little and make the characters work for what they want.

As for Billy and Reader, I'm a sucker for a happy ending so *hint hint* but they're going to have to really work this out, Billy especially. Billy has to figure out how to be with someone without it terrifying him to the point that he becomes controlling, which is what's taking Reader away from him. Reader has to figure out how to accept his flaws and work with him on them. It's like they fill in the empty spots in each other, but the pieces are jagged. They have to file them down so they come together smoothly.

Billy's in a push and pull with himself and his wolf, and believe me, this story is about to groveling, begging, pleading, teary-eyed, desperate, a little unhinged Billy central. I mean, even if she won't talk to him, he can still talk to her ;)

Thank you again for your sweet words!!! Hearing I'm one of your fave writers is so so lovely and I can't wait to get started on season 2 and hear your thoughts!!!

#anon ask #kind words

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kellss1 · 1 month

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26/04/2024

Anyone else all of the sudden see something and all of the stuff they tried to keep inside, hidden comes rushing back? Like you thought your life and you youself were way past this, but no, you actually just repressed it even more until it came back out.

This happening in the exact moment of writing this. Seeing a tiktok of someone validating ur though of attempt or kind of attempt, making it not as less bad than it was but accepted in its way.

Reminds me of the summer before my second year of high school, the plan I had, for what I now see to be stupid reasons but then I was certain. Since during this time I was being kind of bullied, not really as bad as some other people, it was more of them knowing I did not fit in and everyone being 13 did not really help. Like they mostly the guys would make stupid comments about me or my body, how I was so boyish or had broad shoulders, making me wanting to be like the tiny other girls, which now looking back on it I surely did look like. These were just people trying to make themselves feel better. And yes it might be intimidating on some ground sincd yes I might have been radiating gay energy at this point already. Justified by some homoerotic friendship with the girls I want to “be”. So maybe it was more me getting the attention of these girls in a way the boys were jealous of. Might be me trying to talk myself up, but I am like was it only because they did not find me attractive or that the girls they wanted to acknowledge them, acknowledged me? I find it funny and weird at the same time the only issue I ever had with bullying was though boys, while you would say this is not normally the case, well I don’t know but might be.

Coming back to the original story I was going into, during the first year I had already endured this and at some point in the summer holiday the classes were announced, and I knew almost no body in this new class and saw that a whole lot of “popular” kids would be in my class, and I thought shit. Shit shit I can’t be in this class they will eat me up alive. So I made a plan, I would kill myself before the summer holiday was over so I didn’t have to go though it again. Sounds silly I know but this was just the drop that made the bucket flow over, see there have been various times and things in my childhood which made me think differently on my worth and the worth of my life. I wanted to leave the place I was in but how, and would it be better? This choice seemed mire secure.

I vividly remember the one time in the car with my parents and sister looking at the trees and the freeway and deciding how and where I was going to do it. I concluded the easiest thing in my surroundings was to jump in front of a train, since I could just walk from the forest to the railroad. I just had to thought of when. Then in that moment it became more real, I started thinking of my family, how they would feel at my funeral, how my mother would cry thinking where she went wrong, blaming herself for the role she had in my childhood and knew I still had difficult feelings towards her about it. But the funny thing is that the most influential thing in the decision was “I cant see the end of the vampire diaries when I’m dead?!” I think its crazy but thats the truth, in that moment I pushed it away and was like i’ll do it next week, like it was something on my grocery list or a little something i had to do.

Ended up not doing it obviously, and guess what NON let me tell you NON of the cool kids bullied me, to be honest they were really nice I could really talk with them nicely, only the other non popular shameful boys would make a little snark comment here and there but the rest NOTHING. Like wtf? So they were being ashamed of themselves and rubbing it off on me. Am I here sitting behind the prettiest girl in the school and were just talking laughing, doing assignments together like me just kind of being adopted into their group. Let me tell you this i NEVER expected that. Still so crazy to me, and from then on it became less and less, I became more confident, still with a lot of issues and a lot of years till I finally came out and I now have a very different relationship with guys like I am 100% bi so I do like some of them.

But I am happy I almost never run into those type of guys anymore, maybe its because ive grown up and grown into my features. And they see me as attractive now? Maybe, maybe they “the boys” also grew up and developed themselves. Can I really blame them for taking their own insecurities out on me? I don’t know, and yes it does bother me that it happend and it made me feel like that but does it still affect me? Was it only them? Like yes I still struggle with how I see myself, sometimes I see my reflection and am like iewl, other times I am like damn ur fine asf, but is that because of the past? Like that kind of past or am I just growing up? Seeing things differently? Accepting myself more? Does it always have to do with other people or more internally?

I don’t think anyone is reading this and I also don’t intend it to, but if you are and you are struggling, life is crazy, it can change in an instant, you might feel stuck but you’re not.. at least I think your not, at some point you will feel that too.

But yes new struggles always occur or old ones come back up, its never a still feeling, its always something. But thats life aswell, do I just think too much? Want it to be perfect? Focus to much on me having a trauma or being ashamed of the past? I think so, like what does it all matter, does it even matter? I think we are all just doing our best trying to figure stuff out, small stuff, big stuff all of it, all we can do is try.

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tianamarieg · 4 months

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2/16/24

wow tumblr. reading all this old stuff makes me cringe. me in my 20s was riddled with insecurities but also a lot of "i'm not like other girls" vibes. but i do see someone who really wanted to be loved under all of that. i was sure id be single for life, but i've been in a relationship for over 9 years now. you really think you are sure of shit in your 20s. but in your 30s your realize you dont know anything and, you along with everyone else, are just going through life one day at a time hoping for the best.

im one year sober (from everything!) tomorrow. i got help and got my shit together and im happy about it but also realize anything can happen and i dont know what the future will bring me. just again, hoping i continue to make the healthier choices, and if i dont i remember quickly what it feels like to be in the dark and remember the tools i acquired to get back out of that funk.

in recovery they say you recover your inner child, or your true self. i feel that. i feel more like myself in high school, before i drank or used. i truly am an introvert. i like being alone and doing things alone, but i also realize the value of connection. its important to have relationships with other people. i am learning to be comfortable with being uncomfortable and to socialize without the substances. it drains my social battery pretty quickly but i also accepted that this is okay, and its okay to leave the party as early as i need instead of forcing myself to sit through something that clearly isnt for me anymore.

i bake! for someone who wasnt a big fan of sweets, i've taken to baking pretty quickly. im also pretty good at it. who would have thought?

im also into yoga. i thought it was just stretching and boring but its so much more and i have barely scratched the surface of it.

i have been reading again but right now its mostly of the nonfiction variety. my book collection is increasing though which is nice.

i exercise a lot. i jog, walk, do strengthening videos, and the yoga as mentioned. i also eat healthy ish. i dont deprive myself but i do loosely calorie count and dont binge like i used to, but i still love food. i just learned to have a healthier relationship with food. i still dont eat meat but will try it if it looks good.

im still emotionally stunted but im trying to unlearn unhealthy behaviors and thought processes. i have a long way to go and know all this is pretty much a lifelong deal, i just hope again that things go as smoothly as they can with what i'm given at the time.

i still dont have children and still dont want any. i am not married and have no interest in it. but i have my long term partner and things are content. im okay with that in life today.

im 35 now and things arent perfect and they never will be. i cried in the dark yesterday because my anxiety and depression has been so bad, but i also remembered that none of it is permanent. my feelings will pass, and luckily i have healthy habits in place that keep me on track. vulnerability is still hard for me but im learning that its okay to not be okay, but also that its okay to be okay.

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yellingintovoid · 5 months

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Merry Christmas am I right? The reason I'm even writing all this is because its bothering me so much I can't focus on work. But anyway.

I hung out with my family, so parents and sibling, but I was expecting to hang out with just my sibling. That would have been nice, I like hanging out with them and just them because idk, we get each other. I mean we were raised by the same people. And I can see it, when my parents are around, they pretty much shut down but when it's just us, they're so much more full of life... Idk I thought it would be nice.

My parents were suppose to go to that bitch's house. I will keep referring to her as such, she is going to be that bitch. Anyway, they were going to go there first, and then spend time with us. Which I mean, when I think about it, is kinda fucked up because like, you'd rather spend time with that bitch than your own daughters if given the choice but whatever. Maybe I'm being bitter? Idk, they sure seem to think I am.

Before I get too sidetracked, my mom then starts going on about how they had a nice Christmas dinner with the family the day before and that I was the only one missing. And she goes on to say that everyone was there, my aunts and uncles, my cousins and their kids, everyone. Of course it's at that bitch's house. It also just occurred to me that I wasn't invited at all, btw. I didn't even get the chance to refuse or accept, I just wasn't invited at all. But anyway.

So everyone was there, mind you it's people I haven't seen in years which I guess would have been nice to see, idk. But she goes on to say how everyone was asking about be and where I was and how they haven't seen me and wanted to see me and it would have been nice if I was there, but they kept asking, and it's not like they knew what happened between me, my husband, and that bitch, and yeah.

I just told her that it sounded nice, and maybe I'd be able to see them all again if they came over to my house instead, or literally if it was anywhere else other than that bitch's house and as long as she wasn't there. And of course, what do I hear?

Don't be like that, it was in the past, she's family now too, the usual.

By the way, if anyone else does stumble across and wants some context into someone else's (mine lol) family drama and why I hate that bitch, look here.

But anyway, yeah I got the usual. I told her that if they wanted me there so bad she shouldn't have treated my husband like shit but she still was like, that was a long time ago, everyone takes out their anger on other people and it doesn't mean anything.

Like what? Did my mom forget how much bullshit that bitch put us through? How she treated my husband? He LITERALLY gets anxcious just driving by her street. He LITERALLY is having mental health issues because of that bitch that he's still trying to work on. And I'm suppose to pretend that didn't happen? And go to that bitch's house and act like I like her or don't remember what she did to him? And that's not including the shit that bitch did to me.

All the anxiety and guilt and manipulation she used to keep us there and keep me there working for her, doing her job and my own, making me feel like I had to compete for my own parent's attention with her because that bitch's mom is also a bitch (wonder where she got it from?) and her dad is dead... Like yeah let me just pretend I'm also not in therapy trying to work on the depression and anxiety that 5 years of abuse caused! Let me pretend that for me, instead of getting anxiety when I go by her street, I don't just get full of rage.

But of course, I can't tell my mom all that, at least I feel I can't. I told her the part that the bitch should not have treated m husband like shit, and my mom came back with, we all do that when we're mad and stress and not everyone can be like me where I don't do that (???) and I just need to let go. She even goes on to say she does it too, and yeah I didn't say anything, but I was thinking, yeah I know. s the eldest child, I got the worst of it from you, mom.

But that's another story of my mom just conveniently forgetting that she was cruel to me.

Anyway, the conversation ended there because my dad got off the phone and basically announced that that bitch was not going to do anything after all because her and my uncle decided to get a new car instead and it was taking a while to get the paperwork done. And that's why it was the whole family instead of just my sibling.

The rest of the night was fine, we ate food (which me and my husband cooked), and watched movies and talked and joked around. It was nice. Does tumblr have a word/character limit? Cuz I sure hope not lol.

But then they left and I've been left with this, idk... These feelings and doubts?

Like is my mom right? Should I just let go or stop being so angry and bitter about it? My husband says he will never forgive that bitch, and I don't blame him, he got the worst of the abuse, and I don't want to force him to see her again either.

But like my mom says, no one else knows why I don't want to see that bitch, so I'm like, what is it just a horrible secret my mom doesn't want to tell anyone? I don't care. If I did see the rest of my family, I'll tell them why I don't go to the gatherings or whatever when that bitch is there, I really don't give a shit.

But is this all worth it when I'm being estranged from my family because of this bitch?

And then I'm like, what do I care? I HATED going to family gatherings when I was still living with my parents. I get along with them all, but I don't really talk to them. They may sit down next to me and ask me things or drag me along to do things, but I don't have the same interests as them, I don't have kids, I just never have had much in common with my cousins other than one, who my uncle left for that bitch so I won't be seeing him at these things either.

So like why do I care? When I was younger, I'd either sit alone in the living room watching TV when everyone else was talking in another room, or I'd sit in the corner and play a handheld video game. Not that I found them annoying. I just didn't like to talk if I didn't have anything to say. I'm still like that actually.

If I feel I'm going to bore you or that you don't care about my interests, I'd rather just not talk or listen to you talk. If I was watching a movie, and then everyone decided to join in and they were talking and joking and stuff, I didn't mind I ilked to listen to it and even join in on occasion.

But that didn't stop me from not liking it because I just always felt so awkward.

So why do I care now? I'm so upset that I wasn't even invited but people were asking about me. That I can't go to these things anymore because that bitch is now always going to be there.

Is it because my mom seems to think it's some sort of secret that she can't tell anyone that that bitch basically abused me and my husband? What is she ashamed that it happened? Is she trying to defend that bitch?

Or is she worried about backlash. Is that it? That everyone will wonder why my mom and dad are still so close to that bitch even though they know how I feel and what she did to me?

I don't know. And I just don't know how to talk to my mom about it because lately she keeps turning it around on me. And how I'm the one being unreasonable and that I should let it go and be a part of all these gatherings. Never anything about how that bitch should apologize or even that she invites us or asks for us to be invited. I'M the one that has to be the bigger person here.

But is it so wrong to, idk, want to protect my husband and myself? I want to protect my mental health just as much as I want to protect his.

Part of what my mom always says to me is that I need to stop being so bitter because it's bad for my soul or whatever. But I'm not. I don't care if that bitch is doing well or not, I hope she is. I hope she's successful, I just don't want to be a part of it.

My mental health and my "soul" is fine and happy without that bitch in my life. The only time it seems to suffer is when my mom brings her up and then tries to guilt me into seeing her.

Idk, at this point, I just want to focus on work and I hope being able to get this OUT somewhere and somehow will help.

#personal

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