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buckybarnesb-tch · 9 months

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Religious Teachings -Klaus M.

Okay so…I may have taken the innocence thing just a bit too far? I grew up Mormon and now I have a shit load of religious trauma and I think that propelled this one a bit so…I hope it was everything you wanted and if it isn’t I’m so sorry😅 but this is probably the most fun fic that I’ve ever gotten a request for and now I want to write more like it🤣

I apologize in advance

Warnings: Major Innocence Kink which pushes its way into Dub-Con, Breeding Kink, Daddy Kink (Dd-Lg), Religious Trauma

DD:DNE

This is a Religious Fic.

Don’t Like = Don’t Read!!

It’s possible I took the innocent thing a bit too far but considering you didn’t want her to know what sex was at all I assume that’s what you wanted? I hope it’s what you intended.

If you had told Klaus that one day he would work at an all girls catholic school he wouldn’t have believed you. Here he is though, Saint Holy Mary’s School for Girls as an Art teacher and he’s never been happier.

When Klaus met Y/n he knew she was perfect, she had been home for summer break at the time and Klaus scared off some teenage boys making vulgar comments to her as she walked home. They talked for a few minutes and it didn’t take Klaus long to understand that she’s innocent. Alarmingly innocent. She’s a teenager who is almost an adult that no one has taught about sex, and while Klaus wanted to know how that’s even possible, he decided instead to just enjoy the gift he has been given in the form of his innocent little Bunny.

She was shocked to see him in the school but pleasantly surprised, she blushed whenever he spoke to her, blushed whenever she saw him in the halls or at meals and blushed whenever he complimented her projects. Klaus had spent nearly 2 months just getting her comfortable in his presence, she spends a lot of time with him and often helps him with things that get her out of different classes. Y/n loved spending time with Klaus just as much as he did with her, she proved it the first time he touched her, though she clearly hadn’t understood what was going on and he found it truly adorable.

‘Might as well just spend the rest of class here love, there’s 20 more minutes.’ She shrugged, blushing as he pulled a chair over beside him for her to sit in. She made herself comfortable and Klaus couldn’t keep from looking at her legs, the short skirt she was forced to wear everyday showing several inches above her mid thigh and he couldn’t stop from imagining them wrapped around his head. ‘So, tell me Y/n, what made your parents choose this school for you? Were you too naughty for them to control anymore or did your parents go here?’ Once again her face was red as she quickly corrected him.

‘My mom went here! I didn’t-I’m not-‘

‘I was teasing love, I know you’re the most innocent girl here.’ He was still teasing her, wanting to see how she would react and she didn’t disappoint him.

‘I’m not that innocent. I just don’t like to break the rules…my dad never paid much attention to me when I was a kid unless I did something right so breaking the rules wasn’t really an option I guess…I don’t like-‘

‘You don’t like people to be disappointed in you. It’s a good thing, but I don’t think anyone could be disappointed in you Bunny, you’re perfect.’ He could practically smell the blood rushing to her cheeks as he rested a hand on her knee but she didn’t pull away. ‘Such a good girl.’

‘Thank you, you’re always so sweet, I love getting to talk to you Mr.Mikaelson.’

‘Ah ah ah. What have I told you about that? You call me by my first name now that we’re friends. You wouldn’t want me to be…disappointed in you would you?’ He questioned, moving his hand up to hold her thigh and seeing his fingers only about 2 inches from touching her panties making her breath just a bit heavier.

‘No! I’m sorry, I just, it’s weird to call a teacher by his name is all-‘

‘But we’re friends. After all this time I thought we were…more than friends even?’ Her eyes widened and she held the sleeve of his red Henley tightly.

‘Of course we are! We’re best friends! I’m sorry Klaus, you know I love spending time with you.’ He couldn’t help his smile at her nearly idiotic level of innocence as she thought he meant ‘best friends’ even as he has his hand almost under her skirt.

‘It’s okay. I love being your best friend, you’re my precious little Bunny. I could never really be disappointed in you love.’ His hand squeezed her flesh and she gasped quietly just before he caught a heavenly scent coming from her making his fangs ache in desperate need of being buried in her throat. In the 2 months he had known her, he had never smelled that sweet slick between her legs until now and he could see as she pushed them together that she didn’t quite understand what the feeling in her stomach was. He would have to teach her everything…he couldn’t find it in himself to be upset about that.

For the next month he got her accustomed to him touching her, arms, legs, back, face, his hands anywhere on her body wasn’t something she minded, not even when he hugged her from behind and rested his hands on her lower belly. That’s when he knew, when she leaned back into him and pushed her thighs together, he knew he could have her.

The next time they were alone together he made sure they had plenty of time. Y/n was scheduled to stay at home that weekend but Klaus made sure something came up with her parents so she couldn’t go. When she spoke to him, he convinced her to not tell the school and just spend the weekend at his place. It would be fun. She was so excited by the idea of spending time with her friend outside of school that she barely worried about the broken rules, getting off at the first bus stop after leaving the school and hopping into his car with a huge smile on her face.

Klaus had gotten all kinds of snacks and drinks, ordering takeout and relaxing with her eating everything she’s not normally allowed to. He had also gone to the store and gotten her clothes, both pajamas and day clothes to wear if she wanted to go someplace tomorrow or Sunday, all of which were short or revealing and he had her change into black short shorts and a tank top with a wolf on it. Last but not least he put on an R rated movie. She argued but didn’t put up too much of a fight about it. It was a horror movie and she was shocked by the cursing and the drugs, but she enjoyed the stupidity of the characters and how they died.

It wasn’t until they got to the reason Klaus chose this movie that she seemed uncomfortable. She watched as the teenage boy pulled his girlfriend onto his lap and ripped her top off, her tits flashing on the screen before he seemed to make a meal out of them.

Klaus had ensured that Y/n was pressed against his side firmly with his arm around her waist so that he wouldn’t need to pull her closer when the scene came on.

As the boy continued kissing down her body he flipped the girl over and ripped off her panties, shoving his face into her. Y/n gasped, completely stunned by this action and looking up at Klaus in shock. ‘What are they doing?’ She questioned and he looked down at her, trying to stay neutral.

‘They’re having sex love, being normal teenagers. You…you know what sex is…don’t you?’

‘Of course I do, I…it’s to make babies…my mom said I didn’t need to know until…until I was ready to get married. They’re sinning.’ Klaus chuckled at that and Y/n looked back up at him confused before turning back to the television and watching as the boy began thrusting into the girl roughly and she began crying out in pleasure.

‘All teenagers have sex Y/n, it’s more strange not to have done it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t support mindless sex with a bunch of people you don’t know but if you love someone, really care for them then you should express that with them. You don’t have to make a baby, there’s ways to avoid it if you want to but sex is called ‘making love’ for a reason, it’s the best way to express your care for that special someone.’ She looked confused but he could also smell her excitement. ‘They love each other, so they’re making each other feel good. It’s normal and I’m so sorry you’ve been deprived of basic knowledge…do you see her face?’ He asked, knowing exactly how he was going to convince her to let him touch her. ‘What does her face look like?’

‘Happy…really happy.’

‘Right, and the sounds she’s making? Tell me, what do her sounds make you feel?’ Her face was redder than he had ever seen and she looked away from the TV quickly before he tilted her head up. ‘It’s okay Y/n, I love you. You can tell me how you’re feeling. I would never betray your trust and tell anyone anything. You can be honest with me…do you want me to tell you first?’ She nodded quickly and he tried desperately to hide his smile. ‘Well, when I hear her moaning like that I…honestly it makes me desperate to know what you would sound like if you felt good.’ Y/n was now turned toward his body and holding his Henley tightly, clearly trying to calm her breathing as she got too excited. ‘What are you feeling right now? I won’t make fun of you, I want to help.’

‘I…I feel tingly in…in bad places Klaus…sometimes when-Oh God-‘

‘It’s okay. You’re doing so good Bunny, so, so good for me.’ He pulled her onto his lap gently and ran his hands up her sides.

‘When you…t-touch me I get…I feel hot…and tingly…and I get…I-I get-‘

‘Does your pussy get wet for me Bunny?’ She groaned out, in embarrassment and relief both but he didn’t care as he gripped onto her thigh tightly. ‘It’s normal. It means you love me a whole lot, just like I love you.’ Her whimper was quiet but instant.

‘You do?’ He nodded. ‘Do…do you get wet too?’

How stupid is her fucking mother that she could teach her daughter basic-fuck that women!

‘No Bunny, but my cock gets hard for you whenever you touch me, or I think about you, sometimes at night I touch myself and just think about how precious and beautiful you are and it makes my cock feel so much better. When a man’s cock gets too hard it hurts and you are always the one who makes the pain stop, you make me feel so good Precious.’

‘Are you in pain now Klaus?’ She wondered and this was exactly how he knew he would get her to let him do anything he fucking wanted.

‘Yes Bunny, I’ve been in pain since the movie started.’ She looked up at him in shock and worry making him wince a bit as he moved to prove his discomfort.

‘How do you make it stop hurting, I can-I can leave you alone if you need-‘

‘Don’t leave me Bunny, no! Please? I need to hold you Y/n, don’t go-‘

‘Okay. I’m not going anywhere.’ She reached up, running her fingers through his hair and it sent a shiver down his spine.

‘Have you ever seen a cock before?’ He asked her and she shook her head, probably thankful she couldn’t get redder than she is. ‘Do…do you want to?’ She hesitated before looking back up at him and nodding, trying to look determined which made her all the more adorable. He moved slowly so she didn’t get scared, it had been probably about 200 years since he had fucked a virgin and he knew he needed to be even slower with Y/n. He pushed his sweat pants down along with his boxer briefs, his cock standing straight and hard, leaking at the tip, and completely red which seemed to make her believe he was in serious pain.

As if Y/n couldn’t control herself she reached her hand out and touched his tip, dragging her finger down his length before yanking her hand away when he groaned. ‘I’m Sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you! I-‘

‘No Bunny, no! You made me feel so good, so fucking good! Please just…oh God, please touch me? Please Bunny, help me?’ His desperate cries of pain were too much for her and she reached out, wrapping her hand around his cock, watching him throw his head back as his hand tightened on her thigh. She pumped her hand up and down his length a few times before her eyes found his tip which was leaking. She swiped her thumb across it and his hips thrust up, nearly throwing her off of his lap. ‘My good girl, so good for me! Such a good little Bunny for your Daddy! Don’t stop? Please?!’ He held her hand and helped her speed up for a few moments before looking back down at her and his eyes flashing to her lips. ‘Y/n…will you do something else for me?’

She nodded quickly. ‘Anything Daddy.’

Fuck! He could have cum right there and been completely happy with it but he pushed it back. ‘Please? Daddy needs your lips.’

‘My-my lips?’

He nodded. ‘Please? Just the tip if you want, suck on it like I gave you a lollipop…can you do that Precious?’ She looked back down at his cock before smiling and nodding her head, moving from his lap and kneeling. He could see the excitement in her eyes and he knew right away he was creating a desperate whore. He was going to ruin this girl and he couldn’t care any fucking less, she would belong to no one but him for the rest of eternity and he would never let anyone else touch her perfect body so…how wrong is it really?

She wrapped her lips around his tip and suckled, tongue running over his slit which made his legs stiffen and shake as she did it again, dragging her lips down his length and moaning. That was the final straw for him. He had imagined her mouth and her noises so many times and nothing came close to this, she was perfection and she was never getting away from him. He held the back of her head still as he came up into her mouth and though she jerked a bit at first she got used to it and quickly swallowed, sucking on his cock for more. ‘Did I make you feel better?’ He couldn’t speak, only nod in that moment of total bliss, head thrown back against the couch to keep her from seeing the dark veins under his golden eyes until he could get his hybrid visage under control again, Fuck this girl does things to him! ‘Can I have more cream Daddy?’

‘Oh Fuck!’ Her innocent eyes and words were going to push him over the edge much too quickly. ‘Daddy…Daddy wants to give you more cream. I’ll give you Daddy cream all you want Babygirl but…do you think Daddy can put it somewhere else?’ She tilted her head, looking up at him from her knees. ‘Do you trust me?’ Y/n nodded her head quickly and he smirked, knowing this would be easier than he thought. ‘Can I show you?’

‘Yes Daddy.’ God he’s going to stretch her pussy so much this weekend there will be a permanent indentation of his cock. He lifted her up and laid her onto the couch, throwing his shirt away and grabbing ahold of hers, pulling it off and quickly keeping her arms from covering her perfect tits. They were just the perfect size for his hands and so fucking cute that he couldn’t resist leaning down and wrapping his lips around a nipple, her hips flying up when his teeth nibbled. He took full advantage, dragging his hands down her sides and holding onto her shorts and panties, nibbling again and pulling the clothes down and off as her hips thrust up again. ‘Daddy!’

‘Shh…it’s okay Y/n, it’s just Daddy. I love you Bunny, and I want to spend the rest of eternity at your side making your pussy drip for me, do…do you want me?’ He asked, seeming nervous so that she feels needier for him.

‘Yes Daddy, forever but…you’re my teacher, how-‘

‘You let me worry about that, Daddy will make it all okay…just let Daddy…let Daddy inside of you.’ He groaned, pushing her legs apart and squeezing her thighs with an image of his girl round with his baby burned into his brain, silently begging whatever Gods exist if any to allow him to be able to put a baby in his Little Bunny. Leaning his face down into her wetness he licked his tongue up her slit, lapping at her like a thirsty animal before caressing her clit with the tip of his tongue.

‘Oh Daddy! Don’t Stop! Please?!’ He didn’t, he shoved his face into her cunt and ate her like his life depends on it. He wrapped his hand around hers as he wiggled his tongue against her clit and felt her legs lock around his head as she reached her peak for the first time ever, crying out so loud he knew the neighbors would hear if he’d had any. When he pulled away he crawled back up her chest and kissed her neck, lining his cock up at her hole and pushing his way into her before she had time to have doubts, still on cloud nine as he pushed the last 2 inches in a short thrust and she squealed.

‘That’s it Bunny, oh god you’re so perfect. So fucking perfect! So tight on my-‘

‘Daddy! Y-You’re in-inside…you can’t-‘

‘Clearly I can. And I am.’ He turned her face to look up at him and made sure she was looking him in the eyes. ‘My cock is in your pussy right now, so deep you can practically feel me in your guts, can’t you?’ She nodded, whining. ‘This is my pussy now, all mine. No one can ever take you away from me…you have the most perfect cunt I’ve ever seen baby.’ He pulled back a few inches before pushing in again and pressing his lips to her lips for the first time. ‘Tell me Bunny, what was it you wanted from Daddy?’

‘Daa-ah!’ He thrust up again when she didn’t answer and he smirked, feeling his fangs trying to push out of his gums as he became more and more desperate to mark her.

‘Tell me what you wanted.’

‘D-Daddy cream…wanted m-more Daddy cream…please Daddy? Can I have more?’ She was begging now, whining in desperation for his cum in her womb.

‘Daddy will always give you cream. Daddy’s gonna fill you with so much you’ll be leaking for days. We’re going to fill you with cream for the next 2 days and maybe I’ll keep you even longer just to make sure it’s all properly fucked into you.’

‘Yes! Daddy cream! Want you inside me Daddy, inside me forever! Your cock feels so good! Why did no one tell me it feels so good! Can you stay inside me forever? Daddy, please?’

‘Oh Bunny…Daddy’s gonna breed this little body so much, gonna fill you with my cum over and over again until you’re a leaking, fucked out mess, until all you can do is whine and babble my fucking name! Until all you can say is ‘please Daddy more?’ And I’ll fill you over and over until it takes and you’re carrying my baby inside of your gorgeous body.’ Her eyes widened as she looked up at him, his hips thrusting harder as she realized what he meant, what he was really doing. ‘That’s right Bunny, you’re gonna give Daddy babies, gonna fill you with my babies over and over and still you’ll be desperate for more. Cause you know what bunnies do? They breed, they breed like crazy, they get Fucked-‘ he thrust hard getting deeper into her, now holding her legs up and getting as deep as he physically can. ‘-until they can’t anymore and then they do it again cause they’re so needy and desperate and slutty that they can’t stop. You have a slutty little pussy Bunny, are you ready for Daddy to fill it?’

He knew he wouldn’t stop even if she said ‘no’ but he wanted her to want it, because she is his for the rest of eternity. ‘P-please? Daddy cream! Fill my pussy Daddy! Please?!’

‘That’s my good girl. Daddy’s good girl, gonna be so full of me! Fuck!’ He shoved his cock into her as deeply as he could, feeling her pussy squeezing him through her own orgasm and practically milking his cock for all he could give her and Klaus had never felt so blissful, not in 1000 years.

He kept himself buried inside of her cunt, holding her close and pulling a blanket over the both of them, nuzzling into her throat to find some comfort before drifting off to sleep with the TV sound in the background.

Sometime in the night Klaus had moved them upstairs to his bed and cleaned the both of them up. Later that morning he was awoken by the girl in his arms moving, opening his eyes to see her sitting up and keeping the sheet wrapped around her body.

‘I saw it all last night gorgeous, might as well leave the sheet.’ She turned her head to look down at him and as soon as he saw the tears in her eyes he was moving. ‘Oh no, Bunny! No tears, why are you crying?’ To his relief she didn’t fight him, crying into his bare chest as he held her.

‘What am I going to do?!’ She cried, wrapping her arms around his neck and sniffling.

‘What do you mean? You’re going to stay right here, with me. I love you Y/n, and all you and I did last night was show our love for each other, there’s nothing wrong with that-‘

‘Unless I’m Pregnant! My Mom Is Going To Kill Me! I’m a disappointment to God and my father-Oh God My Father! He’s gonna kill me-‘ Klaus clamped his hand over Y/n’s mouth to stop her sobbing.

‘No one is Ever going to hurt you, and do you know why?’ She shook her head, tears streaming down her sweet face which he reached to wipe away. ‘Because you’re my Little Bunny. All mine. You asked last night why you weren’t told how good you could feel, remember?’ She nodded. ‘You weren’t told so that they could control you. You’re almost an adult and no one told you about anything, that’s wrong and cruel and dangerous! You gave yourself to me last night and I am going to spend the rest of our lives worshipping my girl like a Princess…you still love me…don’t you?’

‘Yes! Of course I do Klaus! I love you so much but my father will never let me be with you! He doesn’t care what I want, he will choose my husband once I graduate-‘

‘Y/n, you’ve already chosen. You’re 18, an adult, able to make your own choices. No one can tell you what to do anymore unless you want them to…we can go. Go back to the school, pack your things, I’ll quit my job and we can be together.’ Klaus knew when he looked at her curious eyes that he had her, he was going to make this happen and the best part is Y/n will think she made her own decision for the first time ever.

‘But what about your job? We’ll go live together with no income? I won’t have a diploma so I can’t get a job to-‘

‘You will never have a job!’ Klaus swore and she looked startled. ‘I have plenty of money, I’m an artist, I sell my work all the time. I worked in that school because…because I fell in love with you. I know it’s crazy, of course it is but I couldn’t leave you Y/n! You were already my everything…please tell me you’ll come with me? I can give you everything you’ve ever wanted! A wonderful house on acres and acres of woods and privacy, no one to bother us…except maybe my siblings on occasion but they’ll love you! Your parents won’t be able to control you anymore. You can wear what you want, anything you want, eat what you want, read, write, study, learn whatever you want! I’ll give you jewelry and silk sheets, a maid, the library you always talk about wanting, I can-‘

‘I just want you…’ Klaus’ eyes widened at her soft words. ‘I don’t need all that fancy stuff if I have you…don’t get me wrong, it sounds wonderful but can…can you promise me you’ll never leave me? That it will always be us for the rest of forever?’

He smirked at that, knowing instantly that the deal was sealed, Y/n is all his. ‘Forever and a day my precious girl. I love you so much, and we’re going to be so happy together.’ Y/n grinned, grabbing the back of his neck and pulling his lips to hers in a wonderful, needy kiss. ‘I’m going to make you scream in pleasure every night until you can’t remember your own name anymore, Bunny.’

She pulled back from his lips, peeking up at him with a shy look. ‘Daddy’s gonna give me babies?’

And just like that his cock was so hard he felt like a teenager again, desperately horny with an erection that won’t quit. Y/n is going to be full of him there’s no way she won’t end up carrying his child and he already has plans to speak to a witch about ensuring it. ‘Daddy’s going to fill you with babies everyday, every single day until it takes. Gonna keep you so full you won’t know what it’s like to be empty anymore…in fact, we should fill you up before we go get your things, shouldn’t we?’ Y/n squealed as Klaus lifted her, sitting her onto his lap and holding her up with one arm around her waist as he lined his cock up with her dripping hole. ‘Already soaking wet for Daddy, my needy little whore. So perfect-‘ She gasped loudly, looking down at him in desperation.

‘Not a whore Daddy! I’m not! I would never-‘

‘No, Shh, Shh, Shh. It’s okay Princess, My whore. Daddy’s whore, My girl who will do all the wonderful, depraved things Daddy wants you to. Do you understand? Not A whore, My whore. Any other cock comes anywhere near you I’ll cut it off and stick it up their ass.’ He pushed his cock up into her and she whined, still a bit sore from last night but feeling too good to care.

They ended up staying in bed for another 4 hours, Klaus filling his girl 3 more times before taking a nap together. Getting to the school and compelling the Dean was arguably too easy and they were long gone before Y/n’s parents ever came looking for her. It’s not like they would want her back with how badly Klaus had corrupted her.

Their little girl was gone.

She’s Klaus’ Little Bunny now.

Klaus Mikaelson Masterlist

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cupcakeslushie · 1 year

Note

Does Mikey try to prove himself? Since you said he’s scared that his family will not like him anymore like big mama?

MIKEY ASK TIME!!

@theartofeverything @lukasischillin

Mikey can be a total showboat during battles thanks to his time in the Battle Nexus, and he makes sure to be as useful as he can around the house because he’s got a similar mindset to Donnie in that he’s worried about his place in the family. Mikey is not an idiot, he knows Big Mama grew bored of him and that’s why he was put in the fighting pits. He grew up watching her toss the employees that disappointed her in there and thought he was special and that she would never throw him away—he was totally blindsided by her betrayal, and he won’t let that happen again. So he uses a lot of his energy into discovering new ways to be productive, be that cooking, helping the family with their trauma, or taking down bad guys. It’s not so much positive motivation but more desperation to be needed.

He’s always been great at reading emotions and picking up the self-help books and his research started as more of a way to handle his issues without alerting Splinter, Raph, or April to the fact that he was struggling with things. It was further luck then when Leo and Donnie show up, and he jumps at the chance to use his knowledge to help them as well—it makes him feel good to help them, but also if he’s not being useful he gets anxious.

Cooking is not something he necessarily enjoys at first, but he’s good at it…compared to Raph and Splinter, who are hopeless for the most part (Splinter can make like five or six dishes, but for the most part they order pizza or eat frozen meals or April will bring by take out). So Mikey seizes the opportunity to fill in yet another role. He does grow to love it the more experience he gets though.

Mikey is probably the worst at admitting he needs help after Leo. If he does have an episode or flashback of some kind which is bad enough that the others worry over him, he’ll manipulate his way out of being the center of attention and convince everyone he’s fine.

No one’s religious, but the idea of family and ancestry is important to them all connecting with each other!

@gumy-shark @snazzysa1amander

I talked before about how Big Mama got Mikey tutors for his education, one of which was an art tutor, so his style is more classical until he moves into the lair and he’s greeted with massive art block, for which April introduces him to street art and he falls in love with that. If you wanna know more on that check out this reply here!

Art for Mikey is kind of the one thing he does that’s just for himself—it’s not of any use to the family, but something he enjoys, and when he shares his art work with Leo, April, or Raph, it never feels the same as when he’d show Big Mama his work and she would look it over and judge if it was good enough to hang up in her lobby. When Splinter puts his stuff on the fridge, or Donnie dedicates a wall of his lab for a cork-board that’s void of any blueprints and solely filled with the bright, colorful sketches that Mikey’s gifted him—it doesn’t feel like Mikey’s trading parts of himself to earn his keep. Instead it feels more like building himself back up. Each piece the family saves does more to convince Mikey he’s not going anywhere, more so than any other chore he’s checked off for the day.

Donnie still loves ear bleeding techno and heavy metal. Leo likes more meditative, calming stuff, but is secretly probably a BTS fan. Raph likes hip-hop and stuff you can dance to. Mikey likes songs that’ll really get you hyped and rap. April likes boy bands, but she also has a love of classic rock and early 2000s pop. I’ll actually probably make a playlist soon with a few songs I think they would like or that suits their stories, and also songs that’ve been sent to me (some of which I’m saving in my inbox so when I do finally make the playlist I can have all of them in one relevant post! Just know if you’ve sent me an ask that’s song related, I’ve seen it and appreciate all the ideas! Those songs will find their way to a playlist hopefully soon!)

Hmm I never even thought of 2012 Mikey’s kusarigama but you’re so right that it would work well for when Mikey has to make that killing blow. He does switch his weapons sometimes between fights to keep things interesting, but mostly uses nunchucks. I do however think having that secret blade in them would be pretty beneficial! But when he leaves those behind and Splinter gifts him the ones he’ll use from then on, I think he’d be happy to have the less lethal version.

@ver-444 @littleblueberryartist Human designs here

Mikey would wear a cloaking broach when out and about the lobby and even though he never attended school he’s most familar with the way things are done topside out of all the brothers. It makes him the least stealthy cause he’s just not used to hiding. I’ll probably draw Human Mikey at some point. Though since cloaking broaches are kind a mystery in how they work, I honestly don’t know what I’d do. If Big Mama was the one who got Mikey his cloaking broach I’d have to imagine she’s make him look like her, but in my head I do think the boys would look Asian seeing as they have Splinter’s DNA—with Mikey and Donnie having darker skin tones and Leo and Raph being just a bit lighter (to parallel how Leo and Raph are lighter greens and Donnie and Mikey are darker greens).

It’s a toss up on Mikey, but I do know if he ever got his own cloaking broach after the fact, he would totally make himself look like Lou Jitsu’s son and nothing like Big Mama, and he would have no problem including his scars!

Mikey has fought I’d say one to two battles a day, six days a week for a year in the Nexus, I’m not doing any further math than that, sorry 😜

Dr Delicate Touch does exist, but as I’ve said, with Mikey so desperate to help the family and be useful, I’d say Dr. Delicate touch has even less patience for tomfoolery

@uniqueness351217 Big Mama will have some scheming going on with Draxum! She’s cut her losses for now and will regroup!

Venus started as Big Mama’s assistant in the year after Mikey started in the Battle Nexus, she is going to be more connected to Three than with Mikey at first. They have caught sight of the other in the few times Big Mama visited Mikey to gift him his little prizes, but they’ve never spoken.

@raisondetre2012 Thank you I’m glad you liked it! And unfortunately Mikey will find out Donnie’s…association with the Battle Nexus and it will create a pretty intense divide between them but that’s all I’ll say for now!

Donnie has always seen physical strength as something valuable that he could never achieve (even though Donnie boy is no slouch. Draxum just sucks) so he does look up to Raph and Mikey in that regard!

Oh these are so getting saved to be sketched out later!

Also just a note! I know some of y’all are probably worried that your asks aren’t going through. I have to admit am very slow in answering asks! Some of these are from a month or longer ago. I just like to give each ask a good amount of thought so it makes replies slower (also lol now that there’s more lore established I have to double check that I’m not contradicting myself on things, like a doofus)!

I do apologize for taking so long for some of y’all, but I do have a pretty full inbox so I’d like to thank everyone for their patience! You guys are the best and I always love reading all y’all’s theories and questions!

❤️-Slushie

#ask slushie #rottmnt #separated au #rottmnt separated au #rise of the tmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise mikey #sep!au infodump

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ofliterarynature · 7 months

Text

AUGUST 2023 WRAP UP

[ loved liked okay no thanks DNF (reread) bookclub*]

I’m late I’m late I’m late! Oops

It’s only a month late, right? ‘Only’ lol, work has been exhausting! Anyways:

At this point I wonder if Ann Leckie can ever do wrong, Translation State was good! I was completely enthralled, which is all I ask, even if I don’t get as passionate about it as the main trilogy.

I continued the KJ Charles reading, with these supposed stand alones that are also kind of related? Honestly it’s no less of a stretch than Society of Gentlemen to Lilywhite Boys, so I don’t know why she can’t officially list them together. Anyways, mostly fine, and Band Sinister is still a delight!

Camp Damascus…I’m thrilled for Chuck, really, and I think he’s a delight to follow, but this one wasn’t for me. Religious trauma is turning out to be a hard no.

Ocean’s Echo was good! In some ways I definitely thought it was better than Winter’s Orbit - miscommunication is the worst I’m sorry, this story was more consistently engaging! I just like the characters from WO a bit more.

Chrestomanci! I’ve been going by the suggested reading order on Goodreads, and while I wasn’t particularly enthused by Charmed Life, once I had a grasp on the world the other books have been fun! Im very sad this might be my last DWJ, as I seem to have exhausted my library’s collection of her audiobooks :(

Grimoire of Grave Fates had a really interesting premise that lured me in, despite my reservations - an anthology where all the stories work together to solve the mystery of a murder at a magic boarding school? I thought it worked fairly well (and could definitely spin itself out into a series of novels), but just ok for me. Maybe one day I’ll finally concede I can’t read YA or boarding school books anymore.

Q’s Legacy was the last (I think) of the 84 Charing Cross Road books, and honestly the worst. It had its interesting moments, but it lacked the cohesion of the other two, speed,-running the before and during of those stories, to then spend the second half on the adaptations. It was not at all what the descriptions led me to expect. Maybe worth a single read but not a revisit.

I will also be honest, I didn’t really like the first Veronica Speedwell! The plot felt a bit contrived, and Veronica was so blunt as to almost read as rude or mean. Also very unexpectedly…clinically horny? Does that make sense? I’m not quite sure what prompted me to continue, but I’m now several books in and enjoying it! To be blunt myself, the historic setting is just set dressing, the plots can feel contrived, the mysteries are mediocre, but the real draw is the Veronica and Stoker show once they get themselves settled in and comfortable with each other. It’s a hoot.

I’d heard good things about The Art of Prophecy, but I still didn’t know quite what to expect going in. It was wonderful. Maybe a little long, but if you’re looking for a fantastic fantasy with lots of fight sequences, no romance, and some fascinating characters, this is a great read. The sequel comes out soon and I can only hope it doesn’t take as long for my library to get the audiobook as it did for this one.

I don’t know where I first found An Enchanted April, but it’s been on my TBR for a little bit, and I thought it would be the perfect fit for my classics challenge I gave myself this year! It wasn’t what I expected at all - it’s entirely character driven and very focused on their flaws, and the entire first half I thought I was going to hate it. But the second half, there’s a twist, almost, born of some very naïve optimism that nonetheless works out. Very improbably, but I was happy for them, you funky little weirdos.

What can I say about The Angel of the Crows except that it is still very good! It’s maybe lost a little of the shine it held when I got obsessed with it for a few months last year, but it is definitely now one of my comfort books. I really ought to read more canon Holmes though lol.

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo was, to be fair, one of my suggestions for book club. It was OK, but there were definitely parts that really did not work for me, the frame narrative in particular. The other members of the club really liked it but I don’t have any plans to read more of the authors work.

I’m almost tempted to put The Last Sun last just so I can yell more. I’d heard such good things about this series, but turns out my expectations were a bit skewed - it is not historical or secondary fantasy world, oops. So we got off to a bit of a rough start, not to mention all of the Capital Words. Not usually a good sign. And while I still wouldn’t say I love the worldbuilding necessarily, or that these are the next great work of fantasy, the action is really great, and the characters are flipping fantastic. You’ve got a pair of 30 year olds who are bad ass fighters, have a traumatic past, are immature assholes, can be so so kind, and accidentally adopt a posse of troubled teenagers? Sign me up, I love them, this reminds me so much of my days reading tons of Teen Wolf fanfic AUs.

My history with 2 AM At the Cat's Pajamas is that they cannot stop recommending this thing on the Book Riot podcasts. When I found a copy at Goodwill, I thought surely it’s meant to be! Well. It was not bad, but it was not great. I don’t know. It just wasn’t for me and I will not be keeping my copy. I probably should have DNF’d it, but I continued in hope.

Only one actual DNF this month though, The Mistress of Bhatia House - the newest Perveen Mistri book. I was actually fairly excited for it despite my reservations about the earlier books, but I hit a mental roadblock with this one. There was some contrived feeling tension with her sister-in-law, but really, I realized that one of my main problems with this series is that, despite being in a very precarious social position, Perveen is just incredibly reckless - usually in the name of doing good! - but it just hit all the wrong nerves at the moment. I’m hoping there will be a better time to read this, but not right now.

#bec posts #2023 #book log #wrap up 2023 #translation state #kj Charles #camp Damascus #oceans echo #chrestomanci #diana wynne jones #the grimoire of grave fates #helene hanff #Veronica speedwell #the art of prophecy #the enchanted April #the seven husbands of evelyn hugo #tarot sequence #the last sun #2 am at the cats pajamas

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commanderquinn · 8 months

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meta: sam coe - post-campaign analysis

allllrighty i am officially post-campaign so time for first thoughts. since im still collecting my feelings/opinions on the main quest i dont want to go super into that. i wanna wait and consolidate into a deep dive on that one. BUT i am a fic writer with a fixation on socioeconomics, intergenerational trauma, and more specifically the phenomenon of atheists clinging to their religious parents morals because they haven't taken the time to evaluate their biases and the reasons they still hold them

translation: the silver spoon space cowboy is an interesting concept. poory executed in the case of starfield, sadly, but great framework for fandom to chop the head off of and bring to their own individual comfort interpretations.

this meta will include spoilers for the following:

-sam's questline and the npcs involved

-his romance

-cora, the safety storyline around her, and how she's the best part of the space game

-why bethesda was fucking stupid to turn the cowboys into cops when they have the perfect opportunity for not that. i went in hoping for retired/reformed army rangers fed up with war looking to defend their home from fascism given the "han solo simulator" marketing, but all i got was this lousy ass rendition of the texas rangers, which i for SURE did not want

-i WONT be going into detail about the main plot for this post, just fyi. i wanna save that, and sam's relation to it, for its own essay. id still recommend not reading meta's until you finish the game tho

-i miss obsidian's writing. this game made me want to play outer worlds for the 100th time. that will probably come up a lot

this is probably gonna sound more than a bit scattered and off the fucking plot for the first section, but bare with me, im making a point eventually i promise. gotta make sure we're all on the same page first.

now that ive done a majority of his content, it's clear what the intent was for sam and i applaud it. i like it when good hearts in bad systems spot the fundamental flaws and decide to abandon it entirely, or work to change it. i hate perfect characters. i hate characters that have no growth to find. sam is a great character for showing the awesome power of a perspective change. but damn. what a waste when you're talking about a format where a writer is constricted to:

-an exact conversation trigger (bethesda games have always relied on interrupt & player approach, and i didnt notice any variation on game engine front but i wont know until they release the ck so)

-word limit on all responses (yes, you can make long dialogues in engine. but those words still have to be f u n d e d from a dev standpoint. words are not free in video games. capitalism sucks for art.)

-multiple conversation branches that ALL have to circle back to the original topic (they have to follow a set pattern of establishing a subject, then the players possible responses to that subject, the npcs responses to those responses, AND provide a seamless, one dialogue tie-in path to the next branch. it sounds super easy until you're the shmuck writing it, and then it doesnt feel so easy anymore)

-get approximately two personal quests with, what was it, 12 motion scripted scenes? (im watching other peoples pts now so ill try to remember to count, but it was. hmm. lack luster imo. im not saying quantity is vital. im a bioware fanatic, i know the power of quality when its actually delivered. i didnt have any moment like that for sams quests and it was kind of crushing. ill get into it.)

-appeal to a wide enough audience to obtain profit by holding back eXtReMe ViEwS (id like to point out that there is, at this exact moment in time, an active pr campaign (and a few scattered gaming content creators) surrounding starfield talking about how pronouns are politics and should be left out of gaming. over a setting flag in a save file. you literally dont even have to press a button about it. like, you pick your characters body. masc bodys are auto assigned m pronouns. fem bodies are auto assigned f pronouns. you literally dont even have to SEE the button, and it never gets brought up. the only purpose it serves is so the game knows what voice lines to fire. that. is. it.)

im not going to humor the "thats dumb, bethesda makes political games" contribution to the argument.

i get straight people think they're being super helpful and witty on that one, but i think the world would collectively benefit from allies taking just a few extra seconds before standing on that soapbox to maybe consider that calling existence "politics" might be, gee idk, insulting. maybe more than a lil dehumanizing. maybe super easily solved by just NOT giving into their parents obsession with playing devils advocate. i think if maybe allies could shut the fuck up for a minute or two at a time and go look for voices of authority within the communities they're defending instead of trying to talk over them, that'd probably work out better. might help cut out the completely useless middle man their parents taught them to be when they drilled home "you have to respect everyone's opinion"

no the fuck you do not, actually. i, as someone on this earth attempting to be a compassionate person, owe people a chance at understanding. i do not, under any circumstance, owe someone any kind of respect WHATSOEVER if they cannot respect me as a human being. full stop. i dont owe it to them, i dont owe it to their religion, i dont owe it to the government they try to establish. i do not owe respect to people attempting to oppress me. i never have and i never will.

but remember. there is context to be found in the passing of time. yes, you need to tell grandma to stop being racist. no, you do not need to banish grandma to the nursing home if there's still a chance that she's willing to sit and listen. a chance that she'll empathize with social perspectives that the racist society she was raised in never allowed her to have. breathe and give grandma the chance. then send her to the home if she's still racist.

(yes that was an analogy for how i imagine a perspective conversation with jacob would go. i do not have high hopes of that man finding self awareness given. well. who he is as a person.)

now. if you've played through sam's content, you already know why im bringing all of that up, but lets put together a list of all the things that Make Sam Coe Who He Is before we wrap it all up in a pretty bow that hopefully reads a lot less scattered than this "yo society got some trauma actually" lead up ive dumped on you

quick interrupt just for me: i love that im back on tumblr where i dont really have to give all that much of a fuck about making sense. any audience i could find here is equally unhinged so mostly i just have to format it in a way that makes your brain not hurt. sorry if you dont have adhd <3

1: lets talk about cora's hair.

im going to make the race observation because its bothering me from a dev standpoint AND the gamer crowd is already starting to make cuck memes which sucks to see.

i get that this doesnt matter in a colonialism scifi future where a service like enhance exists and we're talking about two rangers that apparently went under cover regularly, but it matters in the context of how sam was handled in a 2020 era commercial, creative environment. im just going to MENTION that cora coe's biological mother (that jab was me not liking her as a person, not me giving a shit that she's white) is paler than pale, and sam does NOT look like some of his earlier promo images. bethesda as a company also has a very long history of making characters arguably tan to avoid this shit.

9/16 edit: was asked for source, heres the exact image im referencing, which is still his set image on the starfield wiki to date:

(im going to preemptively warn any white artists building the urge to argue over this: you DO NOT want to die on a hill about lighting for this one, fucking trust me. thats not what this conversation is, and if you dont understand that as a White Artist, you need to sit this one out until you understand the full weight of the conversation and the profound effect of media treating skin color like a rare diversity accessory. bethesda has a very very long history of this. their last major story title, fallout 4, (76 was a money grab made in the other studio and i barely want to call it a game) had a whopping total of two black characters in its main cast, and both of them acted in subservient roles so please. please please please just. stop trying to defend bethesda on this one. its dehumanizing, cowardly, and malicious in this day and age. i promise im not trying to bite anyones head off here, im just Old And Tired when it comes to suburbanites in fandom.)

i think having solomon be canonically black would have been a really important aspect. i think it would have given the opportunity to show white people why its fucked up that they get SO EXCITED to save war mementos (or in the case of starfield a nasa memento) and will go on and on about how vital it is to save that piece of history, but when you bring up memorializing the importance of race as it pertains to human history and cultural history/pride, they suddenly start getting Very Uncomfortable and throw out phrases like "what does it matter we're all human" while standing next to the gun their grandfather smuggled home from the war

there is no brightness slider on pc and i havent gone reshade tweaking so everything is still washed out on my end (dont worry, as an rtx user, imma be makin a rant post on that) b u t. cora coe has a pale as fuck mother and a vaguely tan father with blue eyes and straight hair, meanwhile my precious angel has a darker complexion and curls that look like they're closing in on the 3c range so like. im getting vibes that sammy boy mighta been whitewashed during game dev, and thats about as far into THAT topic as im gonna bother to venture for this post.

2: his dad

were we supposed to have more daddy issues content??? istg it feels like there was the initial map talk and then nothing. im not saying that i cant pull blood from a stone and give you an entire essay on that glimpse of family trauma just from a few lines of dialogue, but still. feels like thats maybe something that should have gotten more detail.

"no forgiveness between me and my old man. it's uh... coe tradition."

oh boy. oh boy oh boy oh boy. what a line to start his personal quest

before we go ANY FURTHER im gonna drop a reference to one of my favorite aaron sorkin scenes of all time. its from the movie he did about the chicago seven, and i think it fits VERY well when having a conversation about how sam is shaped by his father

unfortunately the exact scene i want to show isnt clipped anywhere easy i could find, so here's an article that talks about that scene specifically if you want more context but dont want to watch the whole movie. what we're really focused on is this:

which is a scene where a fictional account of bobby seale, the leader of the black panther party at the time of the chicago 7 trial, said that above quote to a fictional account of tom hayden while they were having a conversation about how the stakes of this trial are life and death for him as a black man, but little more than a family dispute and a dark spot on their records for the (all white) chicago 7.

its a GREAT continuation of sorkin’s fascination around father son conflicts (he covered it a time or two during his writing days as west wings original creator, which is a great political show id strongly rec) and it really really works when used in comparison to those rebellion days sam had that he still flagellates over

sam was a privileged kid without a foundation of emotional support or a safe environment to vent to. he didnt have the words needed to communicate what he was feeling and thinking and experiencing. he didnt have the means to express himself in a way that wasn't immediately criticized by the people in his life. it doesnt take a degree in psych to figure out that sam first ran for the stars to run from his father. and it sounds like that was tradition

from the MOMENT YOU MEET HIM, jacob is full stop "my way or the highway" until you hit him with the good ol bethesda persuasion and his disposition pulls a 180 to hand you the next plot device

sam: "you know why im here."

jacob: "oh? and what's that? you come to your senses? realize where you ought to be for once?"

w o w

i wonder why sam never felt safe in his own home. i wonder why he doesnt feel safe leaving cora there. i wonder why that miserable fucking attitude and guilt has sam convinced that jacob will be the worst possible thing for his curious daughter's self esteem.

yes, grandparents sip a different kind of koolaid when it comes to their grandkids. no, that is not enough to protect that child from that much intergenerational trauma. sam's made a bad choice keeping cora in space, but he's made an EXCELLENT choice keeping her away from jacob.

forget "showing respect" to his son's choices, jacob won't give them the time of day. he brushes off constellation and wont go meet them for himself, he insists that cora being "in her family home" is the only priority (isnt THAT telling) and, as if that wasnt enough to prove he's incapable of empathy, the fact that he outright, direct fucking quote during that first scene with him, says to sam's face

"the only mistake im seeing here is you"

fuck anyone who walked away from that scene of a parent saying that to their own kid and had the response of "i dont understand why sam wont let jacob take care of cora." fuck you, genuinely from the bottom of my heart, if that was your reaction.

i looked for opportunities to get sam to talk about what the rest of those "30 plus years of experience with the man" really looked like after that. the fact that it was used as a plot device without any (from what I COULD FIND in my first pt, if i find any ill edit this) kind of dialogue discussion about that trauma around his father's behavior/mentality and the terrible influence it had is such a waste. chances are!!!!!! id fucking agree with him!!!!!!!!!! SO TELL THEM TO ME BETHESDA!!!!!! give me the chance to storm back into that house with the full story and let that geriatric fuck know why he will not be allowed back into my daughters life (yeah we're gonna be calling cora our daughter on this one bc, again, she's the best thing in the game) until he can learn to be a safe emotional environment for her

and THEN, at the end of the romance, the wrinkly mf drops a "hey can you go over sam's head and make the parenting decisions now" 20 minutes before your vows get exchanged in his living room (WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT THAT MESS OF A WEDDING LMAO ITS A LOT but im probably gonna save it for another sam post where i talk more in depth about why packing a complicated romance in that tightly just Dont Work). like wow. wowowowwow. if that doesnt perfectly sum up how he views the dusty's (shhh i really hope that name catches on pls i keep seeing ppl use captain instead its heartbreaking) role in the family now, and confirm how he's always viewed his own son, idk what does

3: lillian "i can abandon my kid and demand she be taken care of in the same breath" hart

i was originally going to go into hella detail on his relationship with his ex but honestly i think im just gonna leave a few paragraphs and not touch on her again bc its bad for my blood pressure.

okay, here's the deal. im biased in the sense that i had a mother with attachment issues and lets just say that his ex is worth about as much to me as a pile of dogshit. it'd be one thing if she had that moment of "oh. sam and cora bond really well and i dont fit" and decided to look at that and evaluate if she wanted to continue trying to be a parent.

but she didnt have a moment of reflection. she didnt talk to a therapist. she didnt have a discussion with sam. she went back to work and decided "oh well, my kid doesnt like me" and then left her daughter with an open wound and no shot at closure. which is just. wow. that's active abandonment. she WALKED OUT of cora's life because she couldn't stomach the idea that she didnt immediately win over her daughter without any effort to connect to her.

then she has the nerve to yell at sam for not doing the best for cora. like bitch, you cant even consistently answer the phone??? what are you on??? she's REPEATEDLY broken cora's heart with false promises, and clearly made no effort to truly atone for that given just HOW angry sam is ALL the times he brings it up.

and she does it all for what????? a beat cop reputation and some shiny medals????? like shut the fuck up with that righteous indignation piglet, you're killing smugglers under someone's made up authority to protect COMMERSE, not creating galactic peace. the idea that THAT SHIT is worth more to her than her own daughter having a mother who's around for all her life milestones is inFURIATING and id fucking deck her if i could.

the fact that there's zero chance to call her out other than one single "thats a pretty awful thing to say" option is a real cop out from bethesda. they realized they put a woman in a position where she could be really, truly yelled at for something like child care, and chickened out on following through with it so they wouldnt take any heat.

thats gross and should piss you the fuck off, by the way. that sure the fuck isnt what equality looks like by any measure. you don't empower women by acting like they're infallible creatures you cant call out for being flawed. and you sure as shit dont empower the next generation of women by forgiving their abusers.

4: cora's safety

which brings us to the big sticky: sam is a disaster and i DONT think that keeping cora on a combat-active spaceship is right. i think she'd be much better off living in constellation hq (aside from the main plot obvsly) with a constant open comm to her dad and the ability to bring her to outposts and secured sights.

the problem with the biomother's abandonment isnt the distance. its the lack of attempt to connect. its the lack of forming a bond. its the fact that she had zero desire to understand her child once she figured out her child didnt "love her the most" when thats literally not a thing. the problem was never the physical space, and it wouldnt have to be in sam's case, either.

he's a dad that's there for cora day in and day out, he just never got the chance to grow out of the panic stage of a parent worried the first fever is going to kill the baby. he didn't have his dad because he had to get out to protect himself, he doesnt have a mom because of how long she's been dead, and lillian checked the fuck out at an early stage apparently. so sam was left to be the nervous wreck trying to keep history from repeating itself. the man's flying blind in the face of all the combined generational trauma of himself, his father, and his ex, all while trying not to fuck up shaping a human life.

you're damn fucking right he keeps cora glued to his side, i legitimately do not think his own ptsd would allow him to do otherwise without someone like the dusty to come and and go "hey dude, maybe its time we read some emotional intelligence and trauma books so we can start getting cora into a stable environment for literally the first time in her life? also im going to teach her gun safety for my own sanity because you keep letting her walk all over you and its scaring the fuck out of me thinking my daughter is going to try to raid a pirate ship at 15 because no one taught you proper boundaries."

5: his morals

its been 30+ years and his father wont let go of arguing and micromanaging long enough to try to understand his son. lillian is a workaholic who believes her only inherit value is what she can provide to an organization that views living, breathing human beings as occasionally expendable while screaming about its pursuit of freedom and equality.

sam coe is a man who got told what he was supposed to be his entire life, tripped into drugs and crime in an angry, sheltered act of rebellion, and walked away from it all with a very skewed, very flawed interpretation of morality as a result.

lillian and his father are the clear moral compasses in his life. like yeah, sure, he'll talk about how cora is his driving force until he's blue in the face. and he's not lying!!! he's not even technically wrong. she is his active motivation day in and day out. but she is not his Morality. she hasn't developed enough as a person to be able to be that kind of beacon. she's a kid rushing herself through childhood because she thinks that will make her better and no one in her life recognizes it enough to stop it. she shouldnt have to be the moral guide for someone who's supposed to be guiding her

sam cant let go of the ranger envy. he couldnt stomach being around it, but he cant look at that discomfort long enough to identify why. he can walk into a bank and plain as day go "ah, don't you hate the smell of capitalism," but he can't bring himself to blink the stars out of his eyes long enough to ask why the rangers are so willing to put smugglers to death without trial. sam has enough awareness to identify the system is flawed, but he doesnt have the guts to really stare that down

he'll make cracks about walter having too much money and influence, but he wont actually mention how he and his wife are the root cause of an extraordinary amount of pain and suffering and perfectly avoidable manslaughter as a result of their business. i get that constellation runs as a dont as dont tell organization, but if sam's going to give me shit about nabbing a paper weight from a guy's desk, i think we should talk about how he doesnt display anger for walter's business practices.

sam coe, at his heart, is a dreamer who doesn't want to look too close at things. he was taught that some things just Are, and looking for too many answers will find you trouble. he's got the spirit of an explorer dampened by a lifetime spent under cops.

you can hear it in his voice whenever he talks about how proud he is of cora for being a goddamn prodigy. you can hear the wonder and the excitement there. you can hear the curious kid in him that probably got pushed out of the way while he was trying to shape himself into a Proper Coe

i think sam coe is a dreamer who was forcibly taught to fear learning as a child, and thats the real tragedy of him.

so let's start to tie our bow here.

sam is a man who, in a way that only a privillaged kid can, stumbled into neon's life of drugs and smuggling and self harm through destructive behavior with both eyes firmly shut.

he didn't fall into drugs after a lifetime of being submersed in the culture of it. he didnt take them because he grew up surrounded by people that just knew that's all life was ever going to hold. he didnt get into smuggling because he was starving. he didnt take on his first "criminal act" because there was a life and death battle going on somewhere in his life.

this man was drowning in guilt and shame centered around not "being a proper coe" by the time he was free of his father's control, by all accounts. you can hear how much self hatred he has over the memory of that time in his life. look, im not going to say that age and recovery doesnt come with regret, but he talks about it like degeneracy and something to be guilted about rather than just... living life. like so what you did some drugs?? so what you did a capitalism no no?????

corporations arent people. you shouldnt steal from them because itll put YOU at risk, but under no circumstance should anyone hold onto any guilt for stealing from them. money is fake and capitalism murders people every hour of the day. fuck the system, its fucking rigged, look out for you and yours while capitalism is stealing your natural resources and making private homesteading prosecutable (translation: in our actual, real life here, the government can throw you in jail for building a house without a permit. go look up at the sky and think about the moral journey humanity had to take to get us to that point, and then come talk to me about how i shouldnt encourage people to steal from corporations)

anyways back to the video game, as far as the "what if he was unknowingly smuggling something like organs or weapons" argument, there's no desire for me to defend it, tbh. i dont view crime as a personality brand the way cops do. someone being convicted of a crime doesnt make me see them as lesser, it makes me see them as a person who did a bad thing. i do bad shit all the time. we all do. we're human. sometimes there's an excuse for the behavior, and sometimes there isnt. that's not the end of the world. you own up to your actions, you apologize, and you put in the effort to make amends that fit the situation. end of story. the obvious exception to that being when someone you have victimized tells you to fuck off because they dont want your further involvement.

yes. yes there are people in the world that are genuine monsters that spend their time and energy looking for ways to do the cruelest shit imaginable to their fellow human beings. but those are fucking outliers, so no, im not going to let a conversation about morality be derailed by a fraction of a percent of the population

but people (like the rangers) who aren't ready to look at the whole picture of context, who would rather hyper focus on the unbending rule of the land, don't see that. they see a "type" of person once a crime has been committed rather than "a person who found themselves in this scenario"

sam was raised by cops. he fundamentally does not understand how biased his own view is. he'll sometimes make a vague mention of crime being a necessity, but you can hear how many strings are attached there just from the way he talks about it. he truly views crime as a black and white subject with exceptionally few slivers of grey to be found. you can hear the "law and order is what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom" in his voice whenever he talks about how the rangers are "good people" he just "didnt fit anymore" and it's heartbreaking

he'd be so much better off if he would take a moment to reevaluate his priorities and look a lot closer at that guilt he carries and why he carries it. i think it would even help him better connect with cora in the long run. it would for sure give him a better handle on why letting his daughter take on college courses this early in her life isnt something to brag about. its a bad sign that she's pushing herself to Be Something in the exact same way he used to. he just doesn't recognize it because her way is "healthy" by society's fucked up view of child prodigies

tl;dr

i don't need to fix sam coe. he's stubborn, traumatized, and sheltered, not broken.

give that man good enough head and i'm absolutely sure he could be talked into reading some -clutches pearls- marxist literature

#starfield #sam coe #cora coe #meta #lillian hart negative #jacob coe negative #fuck hart and fuck jacob they're both cops without empathy and they can get fucking bent thanks for coming to my ted talk

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runawaymun · 1 year

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Hey, I'm really sorry if this ask comes across as hostile, but due to recent experiences with another Tolkien fan, I do feel like I need to ask. In the tags of a recent post you reblogged, you mentioned being Christian. I know that there are many Christians who are kind, loving people who embrace the queer community, including trans people. But unfortunately, I also know there are a lot of Christians who don't. I would prefer to not follow someone who thinks I and people like me are evil simply because of who we are, or who try to pull that 'love the sinner hate the sin' crap. I am not saying that you are one of those people, but I have unfortunately encountered enough of those types of Christians (even in fandom spaces) that when someone says they are Christian, it makes me nervous. I understand my own religious trauma is my issue and I need to work through it, but I would still like to know how you feel about the queer community, as I greatly enjoy your fic and art and would like to continue enjoying your fic and art. Obviously you don't have to answer this ask and regardless of your answer you shouldn't be attacked. Sorry for rambling and I hope have a good day.

Hi there!

No I really appreciate the ask and I get it. I am glad you’re taking initiative to keep yourself safe and curate your online experience. I have a huge boatload of religious trauma myself from my upbringing so when I say I completely understand, please know that I really do.

I’m openly GNC bisexual myself & a trans & nb ally and a member of the queer community who writes a lot of ragingly gay fanfic and l am also a member of the Christian faith. I grew up raised extremely evangelical and am not anymore. I just read the Book, do my own religious practice, believe in God, and try to be active in the little Lutheran church I sometimes attend because Church community is important to me and I’m fortunate to have finally found a church community that is both a safe place for me as an openly queer person & also has sound doctrine and theology. It was a long road to finding one because I’m not willing to compromise on either of those lol.

I spent a long, long time decompressing from my upbringing and unpacking my religious trauma (therapy!!), and came to the conclusion from studying the book & long prayer & discussion with other queer Christians that God Is Not Small. The Church’s historical and current hatred toward queerness is a manufactured product of Man, not God. I’ve spent years studying all of the classic “bludgeoning passages” that are brought up to go “see!!!!!!! See the Bible says it’s a sin!!!!!!!” And found through linguistic study and intersectional doctrine that, actually, no those passages have nothing to do with people in consensual, healthy, committed queer relationships. The Bible has nothing to say about trans people or enby people either. It has a lot to say about how we are all unique and diverse and made imago dei, that we are loved — and that is the truest thing about us. Again: God is not small. God does not have a gender. The Bible even makes references to God having a womb in some poetry and prophecy chapters (metaphorically, but the point being that God is not “male”). Jesus never married. Paul was arguably ace. Jesus healed a gay centurion’s boyfriend and told him “go in peace”.

Sorry, I’m rambling too!!! TLDR: I am a proud member of the queer community and I am Christian and I don’t believe those things are antithetical. I’ve experienced a lot of pain at the hands of Christians, but never from the hands of God — only love and comfort. And I am fortunate and extremely grateful to finally have friends and a church community who strive for Christlike behavior and agree with me that God Is Not Small, and that God’s love is infinite and diverse. We’re made imago dei— so why should we be any different? 🫶

Hope this helps clarify and again I appreciate the ask. I really wish you well on your healing journey with your religious trauma and whatever that looks like for you. I hope you have peace 💕 and if you ever want a friend who Gets It I’m happy to chat and I’m here 💕

#cw religion #Christianity #religious trauma #out of uniform #queer

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americanrecord · 5 months

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what religious inspiration did you use for each character? and are they currently religious in the series?

(i notice you reblog a lot of imagery)

<333

hiii <3 omg there must be a religious zealot on the loose, just saw an ask like this!! but i love the question as religion, in a way, is like the centerpiece of this work. at least for half the characters.

side-note, one of the biggest things to me about these characters was fitting them into the pre-existing historical context, so it’s why i’ll make a lot of historical references here and in the text. it’s important to me that these characters feel like they existed in the time period i designed them to, and not like i was just dropping them there and saying: stick! i’m also really interested in religion for an atheist, so…i was carefully to put my energy and extensive research into fleshing these out!! this got so long…

so i’ll start easiest — kit knows no god and owes no god, he’s atheist & religion doesn’t play a role in his personal philosophy in the slightest. he is, however, a gay man in the 1980s/90s, meaning other people will project their religion onto him.

but it’s not something he pays mind to. (or any extra mind to, as—for example—lex would). he faces the world with two middle fingers, but it’s ignorant to think he wouldn’t be affected by half of society opposing how he loves. he was kicked out of his parents house at 18 for his sexuality, and it definitely was based on religion, but they were also reaganites, so that says enough. he was also already on his way out; kid with a calling for punk wasn’t gonna last in a “just say no!” household. [also, as an italian-irish man, his family was catholic, and regan did win half the catholic vote (majority of those being white, thus…)]. anyway, no religion.

inez’s parents are both puerto rican immigrants, where 75-85% percent of the population is roman catholic. thus, she was raised catholic, and her family still is catholic — she, however, does not adhere and never really has. she has no sort of catholic trauma or anything [no more than the average catholic]. (though, i think she does tend toward the moral black-and-whiteness of somebody raised devoutly religious.)

it was something she lost interest in early on and not necessarily something her parents forced on her. one thing about inez — you aren’t going to tell her how to think. her parents knew that, her parents love her to death but openly acknowledge her as an odd one out, so they didn’t put their energy into that anymore than they did anything else. it led to a fair bit of distance, but so did inez pursuing art, and that definitely caused a larger rift than inez no longer attending mass after the age of like 15-16. i do know she’s confirmed, but it was more of a going through the motions thing versus some big coming-of-age, world-ending moment that it was for valerie. thus, no religion materializes in her imagery/vibe because she doesn’t revere a god.

she is still spiritual, however. honestly, if anybody were to get into things like astrology, crystals, tarot — anything like that — it would be her. she doesn’t, but some might assume so because she has very 90s whimsigoth feel. she’s not even extremely spiritual though, she just thinks there is an afterlife and a higher power (somebody watching over), but she doesn’t know what. agnosticism therefore might be an interesting concept for her. she does treasure things like meditation, and nature, and kindness, but not even because she’ll “go somewhere bad if she doesn’t” but because she finds it personally beneficial to her life and her own happiness.

steven: jewish! he’s jewish and he’s proud of it. this being more from an ethnic standpoint — he’s an ethiopian jew — because he’s not super strict otherwise/religiously. i think he definitely kept kosher growing up (his family still does), and he tries his best to in his adult life, but he’s not 100% perfect all the time. this is solely because of his life’s context — being a starving artist and then a traveling artist for most of his young-adult life, he would sometimes take what he could get. he still, however, avoids pig meat and stuff from the hindquarters of an animal (not that he’s getting many expensive steaks early in his career), and he washes his fruits and veggies throughly (inez shoved these down his throat) — not only for the kosher aspect of it, but because not washing your fruits/veggies is gross.

he also wears a silver star of david always and celebrates hanukah and observes other jewish holidays, if only casually. he might spend time with his family during these times. inez made sure to set up a menorah on the window sill beside the christmas tree. i really like to think post-series, into domesticity, it’s a lot easier for him to abide by the rules and customs of his religion, but i do think he struggles with a bit of the faith-based aspect of it as a gay man. still, he’s proud of his heritage and religion.

again, atheist. like kit, he really has no interest in religion, but he does take up more of a philosophical approach to life than kit does. when he’s miserable, we see a little bit of nihilism and misanthropy peek into the way he views the world. but he acknowledges no spirits or gods or really any presence of a higher power (or an afterlife beyond the ones that most people just casually reference in conversation — i.e. saying/thinking your dead mother is watching over you even if you don’t actually believe in heaven, just because it’s a comforting thought.

his father is white, basic protestant (but died in vietnam when dean was like two so nobody cares), but his mother is syrian. she speaks arabic and did bring this cultural influence into dean’s life—but she was also not muslim (was raised so) so much as she was spiritual. by the time she got to america (one of the things lex and dean bond over were their immigrant mothers), she was much more interested in the wide-open topic of “religious freedom” and just experimenting and learning about all of the faiths the country had to offer. evangelism, islam, judaism, hinduism, buddhism, catholicism, pentecostalism, all the isms, you name it — every branch. dean cites that his mother would “change her religion every week” because she liked to sit in on different services and hear the messages, visit booths at craft fairs, talk to strangers, etc, because she was just fascinated by humankind and their tendency toward higher power more so than she was finding one for herself.

the day dean and lex met, she was sitting in on a service of lex’s father’s. lex came out of the church afterward, saw dean sitting in the lawn (because he never really tagged along), and recognized him from school so he approached him, and…history from that point onward. it was this respect for religion without the ownership of religion’s oppressive tendencies that lex sooo loved about dean’s mother. she was a very comforting mother figure to him. dean’s mother also had him when she was 16, and right about the counterculture/summer of love time, so she just very much had a open mind to everything + faced everything with love. she was very supportive of dean when she learned he was in love with lex.

but, anyway! dean shucked all of that the moment she died. very much said to himself that none of her religions could save her so he therefore had no interest in pursuing them himself.

born and bred in the backwoods of indiana before moving to detroit, lex was raised in an iron-fist evangelist household. the fourth great awakening had a grip on the foster family and took up every aspect of his life. still does, in a way. his father was a reverend at a local matchbox chapel in indiana before they moved for…reasons, and then became involved in something a little more consolidated/concrete in the city, but he’s a preacher’s son through and through. and it’s funny that his father married a russian woman, because he is the stock character for what you think of when you think red scare/mccarthyism/nixon-era silent majority/bible-banging archie bunker/jesus freak, but that’s another topic of conversation (his father’s tendency toward pursuing what he opposes so he can subjugate it).

thus, not only was lex raised in a household that breathed the fear of god into everything (including all forms of media (even the comics lex loved as a child) and therefore lived a very oppressive, very unhappy, very dreary (some might say totalitarian like the conditions his mother escaped after fleeing russia post missile crisis) childhood, he was also raised in an abusive household. so there was the mental hell of borderline fundamentalist christianity and also the physical abuse of his father (and the neglect of his mother when it mattered). it was a miserable childhood until he made a friend in dean at age 14.

thus, realistically, one can imagine the effect this has a on a person, and lex found himself unable to let it go. he is still religious and will always, but in his own way. in his very specific, very cherry-picked, very very personal way. he rejects common christian principles of homophobia, bible-based racism (just racism in general, but you know what i mean), anti-choice politics, strict creationism in schools, and the subjugation of women. he’s very violently left-leaning politically, is very out-spoken about it, and it’s quite obvious in the way he carries himself that he has a very progressive state of mind despite what he was instilled with. he also could not care less about other people and their religion, meaning — he’s not one to impose. valerie, naturally—while catholicism falls under christianity—arrives into his life with common religious trauma but a few different beliefs because protestantism =/= catholicism. there are differences far beyond the imagery and far beyond what they’ll ever see eye to eye on, solely because they were force-fed different things.

still, he struggles. he acknowledges there is a god, but he feels betrayed, he feels at times abandoned, and he feels always watched regardless. he has a very strict moral code as seen in somebody religious (albeit one skewed) and he struggles with things like honesty, right/wrong, and just a sense of balance in general. if he’s not holy and justified, he’s immoral and evil. this is just the consequnece—plain and simple—of being hated not only by your father for seventeen years of your life before being ultimately kicked out for failing to fulfill the standards of a golden son he never will be, but being told — in conjunction — that god hates you too. there’s a constant war between: yes, i know god hates me and well, i hate god too, and the subsequent desire to please god that comes from the first and the subsequent guilt of blasphemy in the second.

he won’t ever let go of this, but he will find god on his own terms by the series’ end and will settle his soul in a way that doesn’t tear him to shreds to do it. it’s all he wants/it’s all he prays for — to have god in peace. because of that, religion absolutely permeates his vibe. he’s tattooed up and down the stretch with reminders, he wears his cross, it’s major fodder for his art, because there is nothing that makes him hurt like religion, but there’s also nothing (besides LOVE!) that makes him feel to such a degree, and he’d rather put it on track than he would keep it in his head.

and it’s very special to me for him to be able to do this, likely coming from a family with crazy evangelicals, and it’s really rewarding and fitting for his character to come to a healing place within his religion and to be accept that he doesn’t need to live like his father did because all he needs to do, really, is love his neighbor and accept the presence of jesus as his savior. (sounds so religious, but it’s simple). his religion is his problem and he never makes it anything else.

okay, i’ve arguably put the most thought into her. just because her story has been carefully tailored by me for like three and a half years now. i walked on to the scene with the desire to make a catholic character because i watched supernatural just like any other middle school girl, but it was never just about vibes and rosaries, i had a genuine interest and i have no real attachment to catholicism—so it was just a passion project to learn enough to write about a character who deals with it so in-depth.

so, yes, she’s catholic, but she fluctuates more so than any other character on whether or not she adheres to it. she wasn’t strictly raised this way either. not at first. it was a loose presence in her home until she was 13. after which her father left her, and her mother went off the deep end. she took the catholicism they already had and had her own sort of “reawakening.” valerie tells lex that her mom went crazy after her dad left, and when he asks what she means by that, she simply answers that she found god. (however, in truth, she rediscovered god). so valerie went from a very carefree, happy childhood, to an oppressive and incredibly impoverished religious household after losing her father’s mild intervention and financial assistance.

everybody knows at this point that she lived in a trailer, but she’s also the victim of a hoarding mother who notoriously quit jobs that paid in pursuit of “church service jobs” where most of her money went back to the church and the community. valerie resents her for this, saying it was lovely that they children at the drive had new coats, but that she was going without dinner at home because her mother did not routinely buy food. valerie’s aversion toward contamination comes not only from the filthy environment she was raised in, but also the fact that most of her food was not fresh (and, if it was, would spoil quickly) and was boxed/canned food and at risk of bugs/mice/or botulism. she would skip meals frequently because of this and owes her survival to free handouts at her high school — a difficult feat when she was always on display while dating danny, her quarterback football star boyfriend, who was notably wealth(ier.)

anywayyyy, so beyond the financial aspect that caused valerie to resent the solace her mother found in god and prayer, there was also the principles of the religion itself that were hard for her. her mother basically engrained in her that she was going to need a husband if she ever wanted to escape the life she’d been given (the life her mother was always making worse). she had the “sit still, look pretty” upbringing, and it made an abusive romantic relationship very difficult to leave because she was essentially told her entire teenagehood that it was the only way she was getting out of financial hell. it made being a woman difficult, essentially. she’s objectified and victimized throughout her formative years and she’s essentially told men will have their way with her and that they’re allowed to. it takes a lot of unlearning and it causes her a lot of fear, but it’s what makes her relationship with lex very important to her, because he preserves her autonomy and never encroaches on it (even when he hypocritically, strongly insists against using hard drugs lol).

but she makes it to seattle and is in state where she hasn’t really fought her religious trauma yet. lex’s is a constant battle; valerie, on the other hand, has mastered the art of repression. the last time she attended mass was the sunday before she left and she never looks back, she keeps her rosary in a drawer, she doesn’t pray (at least not until i give her reason to), and…yeah. that cross necklace is really the only mark of a “religious” girl, but she labels wearing it irony. and then the series persists, her life and her experiences muddle, and she’s forced to confront what she hasn’t and/or what she’s written off. she hasn’t actually answered any of the questions on whether or not she believes in god, and if the problem was god or the way god was thrust upon her (aka: would she be open to a higher power if it wasn’t diluted by backwards modern christian thought?). she gets to combat her catholic guilt and the sort of shame and guilt that follow her in her pursuit of hedonistic pleasure, which is aplenty in the life she lives, and she gets to cope with the ramifications she imposes on herself when hardship falls upon her — who she blames for issues out of control (herself, her mother, her father, god?).

needless to say, then, she will struggle much more than lex in terms of closing out those big open-ended questions in the sense that she doesn’t. it’s an ambitious task to untangle somebody’s religious crisis, and an unrealistic pursuit to believe she can do it in 4-5 years to perfectly fit the series after a decade and a half of hell. she might always be wondering whether there actually is a god, but she won’t fear the unknown. it may comfort her enough for lex to say that there’s no way he’s getting into heaven if she won’t, therefore at least they’ll be in hell together, which—if they’re together, then it isn’t hell. but she’ll make great strides in terms unlearning the principles of shame, guilt, male objectification, male entitlement, and the forced repression/servitude of women in religious spheres, which is more than enough of a start. she leads a lot freer of a life by time she reaches seattle and she’s practically unburdened (despite her wondering) by the series’ end.

thus — lots of imagery for her, because her religious crisis & it’s ups and down are a major part of her character’s personal journey & always have been. always will be.

thanks for asking!

#❀ — valerie evans.#♱ — lex volkov.#☼ — inez garcía.#☽ — dean walker blue.#✮ — steven turner.#⊛ — kit donovan.#☘︎ — q&a.#✉︎ — confessions.

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squeakintothevoid · 3 months

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youtube

I decided to stop lurking and actually post my thoughts somewhere because of my man Larry here, who shared his reaction to "The Sound of Silence" covered by Disturbed. I've listened to the original by Simon & Garfunkel before but didn't pay much attention to the words. I mean, it's just that memed depression song, right?

What folly! I have failed ye, Simon & Garfunkel! But Disturbed's video made me pay attention to the obvious message:

“This is a song about the inability of people to communicate with each other"

—Art Garfunkel

Okay, I get the point. Now, if I may, I will disturb the sound of silence (ha) to share my own thoughts while I was listening to the song:

[Verse 1] Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again Because a vision softly creeping Left its seeds while I was sleeping And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains within the sound of silence

Let me give you some context about my life. I have social anxiety. Or did, I might not meet the criteria anymore. But woah boy, did I have social anxiety. I mean, sometimes I'd try to speak and simply could not make a sound. That's how paralyzing my fear of speaking was. I know now that this fear came from being either A) ridiculed or B) ignored whenever I spoke to my parents plus a heaping of religious trauma. Growing up, I'd hear teachers or friends say it's okay, just say what you want, be yourself. Sure, whatever. *eyeroll* I don't even have anything to say and if I did, why would I risk telling anyone? But that positive messaging still seeped in my brain somehow where it remained dormant.

[Verse 2] In restless dreams, I walked alone Narrow streets of cobblestone 'Neath the halo of a street lamp I turned my collar to the cold and damp When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light That split the night, and touched the sound of silence

Of course, I still had thoughts and emotions to say even though I kept them inside. At age 10, I considered myself like a wise sage, only speaking when necessary, but really I was emotionally stunted and always afraid. I slowly learned how to socialize though, but real progress was made when I started gaining confidence and trust in myself. Mainly because of movies and music, hence the title of my blog.

More context about me: I was raised Mormon (Latter-day saint). So like, in a cult. Or a "high-demand religion" if "cult" is too much of a buzzword for ya. Anyway, I ended up attending BYU, a Mormon college that will kick you out for not conforming to their strict "honor" code. I was understandably depressed while I was there. Except I didn't understand why at the time.

Then my eyes were stabbed by the neon light of Freddie Mercury.

For real though, Queen, among other artists, helped me see that I felt stuck, and that the next step on my hero's journey was to break free from Mormonism and my parent's expectations (and somehow not get expelled and homeless at the same time). To have confidence in myself and keep myself alive.

[Verse 3] And in the naked light I saw Ten thousand people, maybe more People talking without speaking People hearing without listening People writing songs that voices never shared And no one dared disturb the sound of silence

So now I was aware of how sinister and blatantly false Mormonism was. In a university full of devout followers that will tattle on you. Followers only talking about what they're allowed to talk about, and anyone who stands out is shut down. Everything seemed so platitudinous and hateful now. Man, I wasn't ever thinking for myself before, was I? I knew there were other people at BYU in my situation, because they said so on reddit, but I didn't dare make my thoughts known to anyone in person.

[Verse 4] "Fools," said I, "You do not know Silence like a cancer grows Hear my words that I might teach you Take my arms that I might reach you" But my words, like silent raindrops, fell And echoed in the wells of silence

Simon speaks like a prophet. In Mormonism, you have a prophet that claims to be speaking the words of God. So like, you gotta listen to him or go to hell. Actually, Mormons don't really have the same idea of hell as mainstream Christianity, but you definitely won't get into the special VIP top level of heaven if you don't shut up and obey the prophet with exactness. Prophets give you commandments. Prophets tell you to give all your time, talents, and money to the LDS church. (Although they only enforce giving 10% of your income.)

But Simon isn't really speaking to tell you what to do and not do. He, like most artists, is trying to reach out to you. To emotionally express himself and encourage others to do the same. It's a refreshing idea of what a prophet could be. He's calling us fools not because we are sinners, but because he wants to share what he has learned. His writing isn't to make a cash grab. But catchy music that can be echoed in the background tends to get the best sales.

[Verse 5] And the people bowed and prayed To the neon god they made And the sign flashed out its warning In the words that it was forming And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls and tenement halls And whispered in the sound of silence"

Most people see the "neon god" line as a critique of consumerism, and I wouldn't disagree. It's sad that television and music in many ways raised me better than my parents, that the religious texts that promised me spiritual awakening didn't have shit on Freddie's whimsical ballads. But these "neon signs" are what saved me.

Following fandoms, lurking on tumblr, sending superwholock memes to my friends, watching stupid youtube crack videos, staying up late just vibing to the music I had. These are my prophets. It's sharing all these little pop culture things that culminated in me finally realizing that I'm alright as I am, even with my cringe hyperfixations. That maybe I can slowly learn how to speak my truth and say with a newfound sense of confidence that I do want extra ketchup. Or that I'm rejecting my parent's one true religion.

It's all good now, I never got expelled nor disowned as I feared, but I'm still healing from things. I can't say I'm a beacon of self-confidence either (right now, I'm worried this whole post is too long and pretentious). So if you took the time to read this, thanks! I know tumblr can be a hellscape of a site but I appreciate y'all. It's our little ramblings that get us through the day when we feel like nobody understands us. Here's to the whispers in the tenement halls!

Yes, I did shoehorn a spn gif in my first tumblr post, what are ya gonna do about it?

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ask-cups-mugs-and-everyone-else · 9 months

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rules, warnings, and character info

rules:

what’s not allowed:

-no sexual content/questions

-do not force shipping or interactions

-this blog is to escape reality, so please do not ask political questions

- i will only allow a certain amount of time for roleplaying, so please do not force your story into mine (only 1-3 rp questions)

-reblogs are appreciated! but DO NOT REPOST my work

-don’t be upset if your ask isn’t answered on time for you. and do not try and push me to finish faster. art takes time!

-please don’t harass me because your ship isn’t here. i do not ship characters anymore (not to hate on anyone who does, it’s fine if you like to! :))

-absolutely NO cupcest

-please do not trauma dump or vent in the asks. i understand you are hurting, but i am not a professional and cannot help you.

what’s allowed:

-magic anons (m!a) are allowed

-your oc can interact with my cuphead au (but remember, only 1-3 asks)

-you can give the characters items, but nothing that affects the story or AU’s canon

-interactions with the characters (like hugs, high fives, etc) are allowed. but remember, even though they are fictional, consent is still necessary. so please don’t be offended if i have a character say no to a hug or high five and such. you can always ask again later

-minor cussing allowed. but please keep it a decent amount.

-with the roleplaying, crossovers with other existing characters or AUs are fine! but please use permission of the AU creators and remember, keep it at 1-3 asks. (and make sure it will not affect my AU canon)

-this is a timeless AU, so you can talk about devices, events, memes, etc from recent years.

-everything else is kinda self explanatory (aka be respectful, you can ask any character any question thats sfw, etc etc)

warnings:

-this blog has some swearing

-blood and mild gore will appear here, but there will be TWs for that

-this blog deals with serious issues. such as trauma, grief, mental illness, physical illness/injury, death, mentions of car accidents/hospitals/cemeteries, and abuse

-this blog will involve guns and other weapons

-this blog is 13+ for gore and heavy themes. if you’re younger than 13, don't hold me responsible if your parents find you looking at something you shouldn’t be

-there are no religious themes in this blog (as of right now). so don’t be snobby if something is inaccurate.

-you cannot ask something to elder kettle. he is deceased in this AU. apologies :’) ik it’s probably an overused cuphead au trope, but hey :’)

character info (main 3 bc i’m too lazy to put everyone lol):

cups:

mischievous, but more responsible than in game

16 years old

no job

mugs:

responsible, but can still have fun

18 years old

has a job

dice:

responsible and fun

36 years old

has a job

#cuphead #cuphead ask blog #cuphead fanart #cuphead fandom #ask blog #cuphead au #mugman #king dice #timeless au #sketches #blog post #intro post #idk what else to add here #fandom #fandom fanart

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midnights-dragon · 3 months

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things that make me smiley. and happy. i need this list. personal or something ignore me

skipping steps or walking funny just for sillies

getting tackled by a dog that’s like. five pounds tall and has no hand eye coordination

drawing stars everywhere specifically in the method that goes up down left right down

cosmic brownies

seeing (or experiencing !!!!!) childlike wonder & whimsey (esp since i didn’t get it enough as an actual child)

the frog and toad book

that moment right before falling asleep. peace.

AQUARIUMS!!!!! sharks fish rays turtles whales anemones crabs seahorses belugas manatees crocodiles sharks sharks SHARKS

my hair when it gets all fluffy and curly not friZZY but cURLY

old history.. learning about old cultures… the romans and the greeks and the spartans? the vikings? the ottomans? native americans? yeah all roads lead to rome more like all dicks out in rome. they were all gay

on a related note queer people in history (looking at you shakespeare and alexander the great and hamilton and that one viking and )

skipping rocks on frozen lakes or ponds and trying REALLY HARD to get them to crack the ice but they don’t and it makes me laugh

seeing old, ancient art in modern settings (MICHAELANGELOOO I LOVE YOU BELOVED i have a pop socket of his hands)

the fact that cats used to get worshiped why don’t we do that anymore . we should do that again i think

accidentally writing something REALLY good and unplanned and just sitting there for a sec processing your mIND

being asked about things im smart about (plz ask me about the bible PLSPLSPLS i need the religious trauma to amount to something)

remembering dreams they don’t even have to be good i just like to remember them

when i say hi to my cat and she meows back (i hope she knows i love hher r)

finding treasure in the woods (probably trash but i will be taking it home)

i have shoeboxes of old stuff like ticket stubs and cards and random shit like that i have like 10 of those shoeboxes and i go through and look at them. the socks my old dog used to wear to walk are in there n sometimes i cry but thats ok

cleaning kennels at my job at a vet clinic. making it nice n clean for the next lil dude who comes through so they can have some comfort

specifically aarons thinking putty but esp the ones that are themed

people watching in coffee shops and libraries. once i saw a baby take his first steps in a starbucks

learning about my biology. my therapist has a degree in bio and told me the like anatomy of having a panic attack and it HELPS.

freckles and vitiligo and acne and UNIQUENESS ON PEOPLE !!!

seeing my reflection in a puddle and being like oh hey that s me and the trees behind me :3

watching utterly mindless shows that go on for like theee million episodes (greys anatomy i am kissing you on th mouth)

watching ANIMAL disney movies. fox and the hound. aristocats. bambi

80s artists especialy like queen and david bowie and frank sinatra and the smiths and abba

PICTURES FROM SPACE. JAMES WEBB TELESCOPE.

that one website of the cat playing the bongos

being able to seperate the person who introduced you to a media from a media after a long time of negative connotation

looking up hozier lyrics

so much more but i forget about the good sometimes .. i will add onto this later i think

#good things #positive #personal #mental health #mental positivity #happy #happy things #good thoughts

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horny-robot-menace · 1 year

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Gonna yell here since it's a small acc, but Francis Xie being practically bullied into not wanting to draw ultrakill stuff anymore bc cishet dudes constantly had to mock him and treat his art w disgust fucking drives me ballistic. God forbid a gay trans man wants to express his sexual attraction to men thru his art, bc we lgbtq ppl are nothing but a fucking joke to them.

The fact some ppl on the Bird Site told me I was being "unreasonable" for being angry over how cishets will ignore the queer themes of utkl, shriek at queer people who find its themes relatable makes me viscerally violent. "You can ignore the plot!" Shut the fuck up, you sound like my boomer ass parents who think any videogame where you hold a gun has "no plot". Yeah it's a shooter, but it's a shooter made by queer ppl, about religious trauma, revolting against the religious order that was suppressing you. You can't ignore the loads of paragraphs that show up right in front of your eyes in the cutscenes. You have no right to rub your grubby cissie hands and claim it as yours.

I was lucky to not have dealt w religious guilt: my parents aren't super religious and are p much what you'd call agnostic. But I know a lot of queer folk were very negatively impacted by it. Even so, I still faced so much vitriol even before I realized I wasn't cishet: ever since I was a kid, I was called slurs and the media I grew up with demonized lgbt people, I grew up w some bad internalized homophobia bc I was forced to believe I was repulsive for being into girls. And then when I came out as trans, my friends who claimed to be such Great Allies™️ mocked my identity, misgendered me and played the victim if I'd get upset. One of these people, who was my "best friend", emotionally abused me to the point I became suicidal and would've prolly either ended up at the hospital or DEAD if I didn't cut ties sooner.

We're almost in 2023, in a supposedly "modern" and "accepting" time, yet a loving same gender relationship in media is still called "forced", a videogame character being reintroduced as a trans girl becomes subject of controversy. We're disgusting, we're laughing stock, and I'm damn fucking allowed to be ANGRY.

#text post #homophobia #transphobia #abuse ment #suicide ment

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moonboy-ish · 4 months

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Hello! I'm Koy it's a pleasure to meet you

I'm an 18 years old trans (neurodivergent) dude who's barely starting his transition sooooo stick around to see how this goes! ✨

I'll be using this blog as more... NSFW ish… in thoughts, rambles and arts, and more personal stuff I guess

Sfw & art blog: @kabs1912

More stuff about me

Sometimes use emojis as tone indicators (and tone tags), but not on prompt writing

I’m T4T~ had some experience with cis people 😒 and that is just not my cup off tea anymore

I’m bisexual with a preference for mans, and also polyam, but currently I’m single

I would say I’m a bottom/sub maybe power bottom if I put in the effort but honestly I like the idea of someone taking the lead

I’m in fact, a virgin

Love pet names!! ✨

Feel free to interact if you are

Part of the LGBTQ+ community

Specially if your trans

18-25 years old (specially if you want to dm me)

A decent human being in general

DO NOT INTERACT

MINORS, MAPS, RACISTS, TRANSPHOBES, RIGHT-WING BITCHES, DETRANS, AGEPLAY, ANY FORM OF ED BLOG, MEN DNI BLOGS, HIGHLY RELIGIOUS christian PEOPLE

I have religious trauma so yeah, politely fuck off

I don’t like you and you won’t like me

DM/ASK/General Interactions Rules

Almost every pet name is welcome, but if you're going to call me pretty or beautiful it has to go with “boy” or something to match my pronouns like “pretty boy” or “beautiful thing” just don’t like the feminine implication on them

Please try to use all my pronouns, not just he/him

No photos on DM, just, don't, I'll post when I'll post and I don't want yours there so, yeah

I tend to be really irregular with responses on DM (adhd acting up) so I apologize in advance, sooner or later I’ll remember that I only answered in my brain

If you come up as aggressive or I don't like your vibe I probably won't answer

If you make me uncomfortable in any way I WILL block you

ALSO IF YOU’RE OLDER THAN 30 DO NOT TOUCH THIS BLOG, GET OUT OF HERE YOU COULD EASILY BE MY PARENT AND THAT’S JUST WEIRD THIS WILL GET YOU BLOCKED IMMEDIATELY

Questions list: https://www.tumblr.com/moonboy-ish/738710799823126528/bigger-new-list-of-sex-questions

Kinky and horny stuff

I'm into: bondage/restraint; cock warming; corruption; pet play (especially puppy play); spanking; biting(I have an oral fixation); slight knife play; size kink; praise; slight degrading; body worship; edging; overstim; breeding (NO PREGNANCY OR RAISING); free use, but just in private

Okay Terms: (boy)pussy, cunt, hole, chest, clit, (t)cock

I'm NOT into: any body fluid aside from cum, sweat, tears, or blood (in small quantities and period blood is a no); misgendering, or any form of forced feminization; medical anything; Religious Kink(at least if I don’t explicitly say it’s fine); body modification; Any form of incest(fauxcest included); any public stuff that isn't in a four-wall room like, there can be other people, but not in public spaces

TAGS:

- Koy-prompt: scenarios and prompts

- Koy-ramble: rambles and thoughts

- Koy-sfw: sfw

- Koy-nsft : nsft

- Koy-asks : asks

- Koy-pics : pics

- koy-art: nsfw art that I don’t feel like posting on my main blog

Last updated: January 8th, 2024

#ftm #demiboy #trans #t4t #transmasc #nonbinary #trans nsft #t4t nsft #lgbtq #lgbt pride #trans pride #trans artist #Koy-ramble

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mordcore · 1 year

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my three big annoyances that just keep coming up in the past couple of days

1. bigotry. is. everywhere. i dont want to constantly notice bigotry in random things and feel like i have to judge this movie or person now i am TIRED why cant things without bigotry exist ???? it feels lik i am one of the only reasonable people on earth and i am going insane about it. i understand wonko the wise now who built an asylum to keep the world in because the world is sick. and hes also insane. I Get It Now. except for me the last drop wasnt a toothpick tutorial, it was an antisemitic stereotype character in a color-by-number phone game.

2. i am more affected by t҉h҉e҉ ҉h҉o҉l҉i҉d҉a҉y҉ (the holiday) than i thought or hoped i would be . mom sent me a text this morning and im . nearly forgot what day it is today but now i am Acutely Aware and like idk i guess its the weird nebulous religious trauma that idk where it comes from where does it go where does it come from cotton eyed joe but its There and im feelin kinda yikes rn (gonna make meme art about it after this rant and tell mom how im feeling)

3. I CANNOT GOOGLE THINGS ANYMORE. SEARCH ENGINES. they are supposed to prioritize RELEVANT RESULTS relevant means CONTAINING BOTH WORDS I ENTERED IN THE SEARCH BAR . NOT CANCEROUS AMOUNTS OF JAVASCRIPT AND POPUPS LYING TO ME ABOUT HOW HARD THEY GET ON SELLING MY DATA. i yesterday googled "chlorreiniger knochen" to find out if bleach would be bad for bones if i leave them in too long i found ONE (1!!!) result containing both words are you telling me. duckduckgo are you telling me there is only ONE website in your index that contains both words. only one german in the entire internet who puts bones in bleach. im going to strangle every single search engine in existence because this thing has been happening to me all week AND NO DONT TELL ME TO GO ON PAGE 2 I DONT HAVE THE ENERGY TO CLICK THRU 20+ USELESS WEBSITES ALL COPY-PASTING FROM EACH OTHER also fun fact i found a webbed site on page 2 on thursday telling me that in order to do a taxidermy on a dead bird i should cut it into small pieces and bake it in the oven until brown. page 2 is just riddled with ai generated websites apparently i hate the modern internet i hate it i hate it i hate it so fucking much i want to tear my hair out

#my stuff #rant #huffs. finally getting this out #ok to reblog im weirdly proud of this

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prettyboysmlm · 7 months

Note

3 facts about you you don't talk about often?

hmm

1. i dream about murder more than the average person. like 75% of my nightmares are about murder. mostly it’s just me getting murdered, but sometimes it’ll be someone else getting murdered (i never do the murdering tho, which i think is very interesting). i’ve been having these dreams since i was four so i have accepted that this is probably how i’m gonna die

2. iiiii don’t have a dad. like at all. never have, never will (unless i call u daddy). i like to make jokes about this, and i’m cool if others do too

3. i was raised by a very religious family. i’m not religious anymore (thank u trauma), but i still find religion and religious imagery to be very fascinating and i like to explore that in my art and writing

#sorry this got very personal lol #but well #they are things i don’t talk about often so #it counts #asks

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the-hilda-librarians-wife · 5 months

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Fireflies Over The Wall - Chapter 12

Relationship: The Bell Keeper & Meiri (Original character)

Summary: "The troll brought with herself, every night without a fault, a baby.

Every night, she placed it upon the grass, and pointed upwards, showing her baby the stars and constellations. Showing her baby the fireflies.

Holding it tight. Cuddling with it. Making sure it saw the beauty the world had to offer. He had never considered himself a sentimental man. Yet this image, for some reason, never failed to make him return home feeling something gaping and void inside of himself.

Every one of his former coworkers must have returned to their families.

Who would Edmund return to when he could work no more?

What would give him a reason to get out of bed when the fireflies were no longer enough?"

An OC's origin story as well as a Bell Keeper character study, because this character is much more fascinating than I'd been giving him credit for.

Notes: Title from 'Enchanted' by Taylor Swift

Omg I can't believe we've reached the last chapter of this fic!! For everyone that has made it so far I'd like to give my biggest and most sincere THANK YOU!!!! I was very insecure coming into this because I adore Meiri but I wasn't sure I'd be able to write a story good enough to captivate people when centering it around an OC, especially since I don't do a lot of art for her and I feel like that's generally what makes people grow fond of original characters. But anyway, Thank you so much for giving me (and her!) a chance. I hope this has been fun to read, because I sure loved writing it <3

Oh and for everyone who not only read but also commented/left tags I'd like to offer my entire soul. It's yours now. You don't want it? Too bad. Not my problem anymore.

Chapter title: This was the very first page

Read it on ao3

Edmund didn’t know how to handle children. That was a fact. Most parents also did not know how to handle children. That was also a fact. Yet a good deal of adults seemed to grow up without any major upbringing-related trauma. At least those raised by people who actively tried to not be manipulative and bigoted assholes; Edmund wouldn’t know anything about that, either. That train of thought had been circling around in his mind for the majority of his waking time since the last Meiri-related incident (the other part of the time it was filled with an annoying jingle he was cursed to listen every time he turned on the radio), yet it never led him to any conclusion. Edmund didn’t have the first clue if he had done something wrong, what it had been, and if he’d continue bringing the girl distress should she come back in the near future.

But certainly, he hadn’t been doing so bad that she wouldn’t show up ever again, had he? It wasn’t like she showed up every day religiously during normal times, but the fact that it had been almost a week since she showed up in his house lashing out and clearly hurt and he hadn’t seen hair nor hide of her since made him uneasy. Like too much had been left unresolved and unsaid and if that was the last he’d ever see of her, she’d always carry a thread of his being around, and he’d live every day with that empty feeling of something missing, something tied elsewhere.

Therefore, for all the thinking he had been doing on the matter, it should not have startled him so when he heard her voice behind himself while he was putting up clothes on his clothesline.

“Have you ever seen a bleeding tooth?” She asked, making him jump in surprise and turn around without even registering the movement, fully expecting to see her hurt with blood coming out of her mouth and ready to rush to whatever help he could provide.

Which would mostly consist of picking her up and running to the hospital, so it was very relieving to find her looking perfectly normal, if a little uncomfortable.

“Damn, kid, you startled me.” He said, as everyone does when a moment of fright’s worth of adrenaline stops them from forming any other sentence and doing anything else besides bringing their hand to their racing heart. “What are you doing here?”

He didn’t mean it like a complaint, but he had to admit the wording was a little careless when she shifted her weight from her right foot to her left one and stopped trying to even look in his general vicinity. Great.

“Have you ever seen a bleeding tooth?” She repeated, this time adding context. “It’s a mushroom.”

Of course it was. Edmund rolled up his sleeves, a nervous habit of his own; they felt tight around his arms every now and then.

“Can’t say I have.”

“I found some nearby.” She gripped her backpack’s straps; she wasn’t wearing her school uniform, though, which struck him as odd. “Probably because it rained. Well, you know, they were already there, but because it was wet the mycelia must have soaked up all that moisture and made it actually look like a bleeding tooth. Wanna see?”

Mouth already open, Edmund’s answer changed before he even realized, as good sense overrode his instinct. He couldn’t say who was more surprised by his ‘no’, himself or the girl, but he could tell he had to do something immediately because he was quite certain it was tears he was seeing gathering in her eyes.

“You can show it to me later.” He added quickly, trying to convey that he wasn’t mad and nor had he stopped caring. That seemed to appease her some. “First I want ya to tell me if you’re okay.”

Meiri shrugged; she was looking at the general direction of his face now, which was good.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

Very rarely did she crumble first when they were both standing their ground, but his crossed arms and single raised eyebrow were more efficient that day than they had been known to be, and a few seconds of it had her sighing and slumping her little shoulders.

“I’m sorry, okay?” She said, like she was desperate for it but dreaded having to do it at the same time. “I was rude, and shouldn’t have acted like that. Alright?”

She stared up at him defiantly, but so tense that the insecurity seemed to drip off of her like water when one was caught in a bout of rain. Her lip was wobbling; she wasn’t daring him to go back on what he’d said. The challenge she was proposing was much scarier – keep your stance and let me stay.

“That’s not what I asked.” He said unhelpfully much to the little girl’s annoyance. She huffed, not understanding why he couldn’t just take the apology and go back to normal. She’d already offered everything she had, the least he could do was spare her his weird meandering logic. They both knew they'd have to get to the apology, anyway, so why not cut straight to the point?

“I’m fine.” She crossed her arms, not only because at some point she’d taken to mimicking his stances but also to shield herself from the cool, damp air. He was an idiot to leave laundry out to dry when the weather was like this.

He was an idiot, period. And a particularly frustrating one when he did nothing but stare at her skeptically.

“Meiri.” He said, and she knew it was serious because he probably wouldn’t have used her name if it wasn’t. Her stomach sank and it was anyone’s guess if the feeling came from the cold or from her nerves. “We aren’t going anywhere unless you’re honest, kid. Are you doing okay?”

Meiri let her head drop back with a grunt. “I’m not! I feel awful, are you happy?”

“Of course I’m not happy.” She was going to murder him. She was actually going to murder him because what did this man even want from her? “I never want you to feel bad. But is there something I can do?”

“Well, obviously!” She snapped without any real heat behind it. “I wouldn’t have come here if there wasn’t.”

He didn’t bulge. “So…?”

“So I’m sorry!” She sounded pleading now, and was fully aware of it. “I was mean when I shouldn’t have been. Can we just do something else now?”

Edmund sighed, deciding to put down the basket of clothing pegs since this was probably something he would want to give his complete attention to. Not like he was going to continue hanging up clothes, anyway.

“We can, but I don’t think we should.”

“I think we should. Let’s go see the mushrooms.”

One look from him made it clear she wasn’t going to have it the easy way, and she shut up most unwillingly.

Edmund kneeled in front of her, making it harder for her to discreetly look away now that they were on the same level. His pants would be tainted with wet dirt, but he couldn’t care less. There was a reason why he insisted on sturdy clothing.

“I know you are sorry.” He said, half of his brain circling back to the earlier thought of I Don’t Know How To Children, and the other half having enough sense to figure that it was probably like dealing with a grown person, except you could scar them for life. No biggie. “And I’m glad you came to tell me this. But I want to understand what happened.”

“You know what happened. I screamed at you.”

Edmund sighed. “I know-”

“I know you know. That’s what I just said.”

Ignoring the interruption after a pointed look at her (though seeing how nervous the kid looked despite her efforts to sound exasperated didn’t help him), he continued.

“I know what happened after you arrived, but I also know you’re a very good kid.” Meiri grumbled something unintelligible, and he could sense the self-deprecation in it even though he couldn’t catch a single word. “That’s what I’m asking. If you’re okay. Because I figured it can’t have been nice if it upset you that much.”

Meiri kicked some dirt half heartedly; since it was moist not a lot was achieved beside making a small concavity in the soil. When she spoke, it was with a quiet voice, not looking at him. The sound of the wind on tree leaves and birds leaving their nests to hunt graced the air around them.

“It was silly.” She muttered, lacking her usual self-assurance. “Someone said something at school and I got angry. You don’t have to be worried about it.”

His hum of acknowledgement was loaded with skepticism; the bell keeper didn’t think she’d believe it if he said that nothing that hurt her should be considered silly. Nor did he miss the way she carefully avoided giving any details about it.

“But you just said you’ve been feeling awful.” He pointed out, choosing to not pry any further into what exactly, had happened. If she ever wanted to talk about it, it should be on her own time. That didn’t mean he couldn’t push her to stand up for herself if the situation called for it. “If I can’t do anything to help, isn’t there anything you could? People don’t get to just treat you however they want, kid.”

The suggestion had the not truly surprising effect of making her huff annoyedly.

“I don’t care about it. Not anymore. I was angry then but I can handle it.”

You shouldn’t need to, he thought to himself, you shouldn’t have had to learn how.

“But–”

“I feel awful because of you.” She interrupted him, knowing it was going to be his next question. When he froze, breath caught in his throat, she lifted her eyes at him and blinked as she realized what that must have sounded like.

“Not like that!” She remedied pleadingly. “Ugh, I’m sorry. I’m so bad at this. I feel bad because I was mean to you. You didn’t do anything wrong–”

Her lips were curled; She might have been making an effort not to cry, but it was equally likely that the girl might be holding back a sneer at herself.

“I messed up anyway. And it made me feel… bad for it?”

Edmund nodded, breathing again after his worst fear of having been the cause of her distress had been nearly confirmed and then fallen flat once more.

“Guilty?” He suggested gently, and Meiri nodded.

“Guilty.”

Neither of them seemed to know what to say next. Edmund remembered a conversation they’d had, a long time ago, when she’d said she’d only ever apologized to people when someone forced her to. How many times had she already apologized since then, without anyone, not even him, ever asking it of her?

The girl seemed to remember the reason why she’d come all the way here with a backpack, and put it down on the ground in front of her, caring about it getting dirty about as much as Edmund had cared about his pants. At least it gave her something to do with her hands.

It was the only way she’d been able to think of to prove she was being honest.

The metal zipper of it was a bit rusted and got stuck in some places, but she was used to it and managed to get it open. Meiri felt her face warm up as she reached inside, feeling stupid and not knowing how her peace offering would be received. She knew he wouldn’t laugh at her. She was afraid of it anyway.

The girl took out the safest gift first, making the bell keeper raise both eyebrows in surprise when he was presented with a cucumber sandwich wrapped in plastic film. She didn’t dare lock her gaze with his, knowing the temptation to snap at him would be too big. Opening herself up always made a weird and unpleasant feeling settle on her belly. It made it harder to think when all she wanted was to hide.

Next came something she thought at length about whether she should have brought or not, and even now she considered keeping it hidden. It was stupid. But maybe stupid would be what it took to show she really was sorry. Edmund frowned, confused, when she offered him a woff plush that looked very clearly handsewn, the eyes asymmetrical and the tail floppy.

“What… are these?”

“They’re things you like.” She stated, resisting the urge to add an uncertain ‘right?’ at the end of her answer. She knew he liked those things. That was why she’d brought them. If he refused them, it wouldn’t be because they weren’t his jam. It would be because he was refusing her. “I made them for you.”

He took the woff in his free hand. The stuffing inside was bumpy, and there wasn’t nearly enough of it to keep the tissue from creasing. The stitches holding the facial details together all had different lengths. Edmund hadn’t really cried since he’d been a teenager. Yet he felt the sting of tears in his eyes now.

“Why?”

Meiri gulped, and bit her lip. She seemed to be waging an internal battle when she looked at him pointedly and said with a choked up voice.

“Because you’re always doing nice things for me.” The immeasurable effort she was making to force herself to be still and look at him while very deliberately stating that was palpable. He wanted to tell her she didn’t need to, that he understood, but she had clearly practiced that. It was something she wanted to say, even if she’d avoided getting to that point. “You’re always letting me talk about the things I enjoy and… you teach me many interesting things too. You’re a good person. You are… the best person I know. And you talk to someone no one else wants to just because you’re kind. And I wanted to thank you for it. And to say that I’m sorry.”

Those last words were rung out of her throat hand in hand with a sob, and when she bowed her head down so he wouldn’t see it so plainly, Edmund was left no choice but to lean forward and hug her. It didn’t take half a second for her arms to be around him as well, grip impressively strong for someone so tiny.

He supposed all that climbing must have been worth something.

“It’s okay.” He cooed, rubbing her back as the Meiri allowed the tears to run freely, clinging to him like she was afraid he’d run away if she let go. “Firefly, it’s okay. I forgive you. I know we say things we don’t mean when we’re angry.”

She would have to learn how to not lash out, that was true. But at such a young age she was already holding herself accountable, maybe even more rigidly than she should, so forgive him if he wasn’t about to point out any of the things she could work on at that moment. Meiri whined into his shoulder.

“I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean what I said then. I mean it now.”

“I know.” He began swaying them back and forth gently. “I know.”

They stayed like that until her crying subsided, until he realized the sun’s stronger rays were winning over the barrier of clouds and their own early-morning shyness, casting a silver glow over the treetops.

“If that happened again.” Meiri began, still reluctant to let go of his torso. “If that happened again, do you think you could still forgive me?”

It should have been a given, Edmund thought morosely. She shouldn’t have felt like she had to ask.

“I meant what I said. What you say when you're upset won’t stop me from caring about you. I promise.”

He heard her sniffle before drawing back slightly, just enough to look at his face properly.

“Then I think I can do it.”

Edmund blinked at the statement, put so boldly with her little shoulders set like she was bravely heading into battle.

“Do what?”

“Choose you.” His heart skipped a beat. He would have wondered if he was misinterpreting her, but for all she was doing to keep a cool facade she looked just as nervous as he felt. “If you’d still choose me.”

He would. For all the fear he felt, all the uncertainty, all the bumps he was sure there would be in this road, he found that he’d still choose her any time.

And he told her as much.

#please look up ‘bleeding tooth mushroom’ I swear it’s the coolest thing ever #meiridom #fic: fotw #my fic #hilda oc #the bell keeper hilda #meiri #meiri (oc)#the bell keeper fanfic #hilda the series fanfic

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