#it’s been a couple days since i finished the season and i’m still in quite a state

[dearabsolutelynoone]

I cried. I threw up. I shook. I climbed the walls. I cried some more. I tore my hair out. I saw the light. I was on the brink of death. And I cried even more. Charlotte and George were everything and then some. Like my brain chemistry has been permanently altered. I will never be the same. Every time I think about them I’m launched into a brand new mental breakdown. I don’t know how I will recover from this.

#it’s been a couple days since i finished the season and i’m still in quite a state #i haven’t had a reaction to a ship like this since kanthony #did anyone else throw up during the final scene #cause i did #shonda rhimes is so sick #like she needs to pay for her crimes #and my therapy #queen charlotte #king george #charlotte x george #george x charlotte #charlotte and george #george and charlotte #bridgerton #bridgerton queen charlotte #julia quinn #india amarteifio #corey mylchreest #golda rosheuvel #james fleet

[tf-lover]

Commission - Undercover Truths

Interested in commissioning me? Check out this post for more information on rules and pricing.

Detective Patrick Walters had been in the game a long time. Having just hit 40, he was still in very good shape compared to a lot of guys his age. By this point he’d watched many formerly athletic colleagues in their youth grow lazy and spend more time behind a desk than in the gym, but not Patrick. He was still in the gym five days a week, working out to keep himself in top shape. He prided himself on it. Sure, most of the time you didn’t get dramatic chases like the movies showed, but there were occasions over the years where his athletic prowess had mattered. And besides, it wasn’t for the job. He stayed fit because he liked how it felt, even now into his 40’s he worked hard to keep his appearance as good as it could be for himself and the ladies he hooked up with.

As a seasoned detective who’d worked his way right up the chain from a new member of the force at 18, Partick knew what he was doing when it came to the job. Living in a big city there were always new cases being dropped on his desk. From murders to drug crime at the extreme end, there wasn’t much he didn’t know how to handle at this point in his life. 

This new case though, this one had been tough. Gang activity, but none of his usual sources had been at all useful, and any evidence he’d gathered so far was circumstantial at best. He’d been on the case long enough to know some shady stuff was going on; everything from drugs to disappearances had crossed his desk; but there was never enough hard evidence to back up his instinct that all the cold cases over the last few months were connected. He knew they were though. He could feel it in his bones, as nonsense of a notion as that was. 

So, as he saw it, Patrick only had one option left. 

“Absolutely not.” The precinct’s chief, a man Patrick had been friends with a long time named Simon, said when he put forward his idea. “Out of the question Detective, I’m sorry. I can’t authorise an undercover mission to investigate a hunch, as much as I agree these cold cases are odd and need a solution, we’ve got no proof the downtown gangs are responsible. Sending you in without a strong reason or proof of their involvement just isn’t something I can authorise.” Simon had an apologetic look on his face as he sat back in his desk chair. “I’m sorry Patrick, really. I wish I could help, but I just can’t authorise an op like this and you know it. Maybe taking some time off would help clear your head of all this? You barely ever use your vacation time, that I could quite easily approve.”

A small smile spread over Patrick’s face. “You’re right Sir, maybe I should use up some of those vacation days.” He turned to leave the office, but paused when he got to the door and glanced back at the chief. “Thank you Simon, really.”

“Don’t know what you’re thanking me for Pat, I’m just approving some vacation time is all.” Simon didn’t give any hint of anything showing through, but Patrick didn’t need him to. “Now get out of here, you’ve got some vacation time to enjoy.”

Patrick nodded and headed out of the office. He was lucky he’d known the chief as long as he had, he’d have missed the hint at an off books snoop around if not. Simon couldn’t approve a full on investigation, but if Patrick could come to him with enough evidence, officially or unofficially obtained, to link one of the downtown gangs then maybe he could launch something. He’d have to be careful though, since he knew there was no protection if he was caught; Simon would have to deny all knowledge and claim he went rogue. 

All he had to do now was finish off some paperwork then he’d be ready to head off for his ‘vacation’. One that, little did he know, was going to be far more life changing than he was expecting…

~~~

It’d taken a couple of days and a lot of phone calls, but eventually Patrick had found an in. He’d hung around the right places and managed to run into a former member of the largest gang in the city, one who let just enough information slip when Patrick had pretended to be someone the guy knew from the gang years ago. Act in the right way and you could get people to think you knew them from a long time ago, a skill Patrick had become fairly good at over the years.

Armed with the knowledge he needed, Patrick made his way to the warehouse district of the city after that conversation. He’d long suspected there was gang activity around these parts, but had never had enough specifics. Now was different though, as now he knew the rough area to check. There were only a few unused warehouses in the southern part of the district below the river, so one of those had to be the one he was looking for. 

The first one was a bust. Picked the lock and slipped inside, only to find stacks of rotting cardboard boxes, filled with products from a toy company he knew had gone out of business several years ago. 

The second of the three ws now in use he’d discovered. When he’d walked up there were a few workers loading furniture into the back of a van, and a quick conversation after pretending to be lost had revealed this definitely wasn’t the place he was looking for. 

All he had left was the third one he knew was abandoned. 

When he got there he was glad to see no signs of life like the second one. No signs of anything when he walked in, not even boxes stacked up like the first. He still had a good look around though, just to be sure he hadn’t missed anything. And he was lucky he did, as in one of the back corners was a hatch that had to lead down to a basement. As he descended the ladder down he could see a soft glow of some type of light and the sound of a voice, which meant he had to be in the right place. 

A few seconds later he stepped back onto solid ground to find himself in a short corridor with sets of doors along each side and one at the end. It was this end one that piqued his curiosity, as this one unlike the others was slightly ajar and was the source of the sound and pale glow. 

Partick stepped closer quietly and carefully, not wanting to alert anyone that might be inside. The closer he got though, the more he realised it wasn’t a conversation he could hear and wasn’t a light on he could see. It was the same voice saying the same words on a loop of several minutes, which meant the light was probably a TV playing a video on a loop. Why there would be something like that down in the basement of an abandoned warehouse he had no idea, but it was definitely suspicious enough to lead him to believe he was in the right place. 

Once he got to the door at the end of the corridor, Patrick hovered outside for a few moments to make sure he couldn’t hear anyone moving around. When he was sure he pushed his way into the room, gun held low and ready to fire if it came to it. As he suspected though, there wasn’t a soul in sight; only him, the TV as he’d guessed, and the rest of the small room. A table with clothes and a half used pack of cigarettes on, a shower in one corner, and the TV in the centre of the room with a chair in front. It was an odd set up to say the least, and not what Patrick had been hoping to find. 

“This is… What even is all this for?” Patrick mumbled to himself as he walked around. The most confusing part of it all was the fine layer of dust on everything, a sign no one had been here or touched this stuff in some time. “No one’s been here, so why is the TV on? I can’t have been left on for the same amount of time as this other stuff hasn’t been touched.”

With nothing particularly interesting laying around the room, Patrick turned to the TV. He’d largely ignored it until now, but with no other signs of a clue it was the only thing left. It was clearly pretty old, not one of the more modern flat screens by any means. It wasn’t playing anything in particular though, all he could see was a blank white screen that occasionally flickered to black when whatever was playing looped to the beginning. 

Welcome back home Lance, you’ve been gone a while.

The words the voice spoke struck some kind of chord within Patrick’s mind. He wasn’t this Lance guy, but somehow he knew instinctively he was the one being spoken to by the deep voice. A pause later as Patrick moved around to the front of the TV and the voice spoke again. 

Not saying anything? Figures. At least take a seat why don’t you?

Patrick sat down in the ratty chair without thinking about it. Not until he’d got comfortable anyway did he realise he’d just listened to what the voice said. It was like it was talking to him, but that wasn’t possible. Was it? 

“Who are you? What is this place?” He asked, his curiosity getting the better of him despite the logical part of his brain knowing he’d heard all this before in the background as he’d looked around the room. “Can you hear-”

We’re not having a conversation, I just know you well enough to know what you’re going to ask whilst you’re like this. I’m your everything Lance, I’ve missed you.

Missed him? How could this voice have missed him when he didn’t even know who it belonged to? Despite that, there was still a shiver of satisfaction as whoever this man was said that; Patrick was suddenly feeling like he had missed the man behind the voice too. It made no sense, but he couldn’t deny the feeling was there now out of nowhere. 

It sent a jolt of panic running down his spine and Patrick fought the urge to stay sitting in the chair like he’d been told. He wanted to run, get out of here and all the strangeness of this small, dark room whilst he still could, but something deep in his core kept him locked in place.

You’re probably panicking right now. Have a cigarette Lance, that always helps you calm down.

Patrick’s eyes flicked over to the pack on the table. There was a lighter there too he realised, all ready for him to grab and light up. Patrick had never smoked in his life, not even a slight puff on one as a teenager. He hated the things, could never see how someone would want to destroy their body like that. 

He was reaching over to swipe them up before he knew what he was doing. Slid one out of the pack, balanced it between his lips, then flicked the lighter with a practised ease and set the cigarette burning. Two fingers around the end by his lips to keep it steady, then one deep inhale later he felt that sweet, familiar rush of nicotine and a calm wash over him. Lance blew the smoke out slowly as he pulled the cigarette from his lips, letting out a content sigh as he did. He’d missed that feeling. 

Patrick blinked down at the cigarette in his hand as he was about to raise it back to his lips. What had he just done? For a moment he’d lost himself completely. No coughing after what he knew was his first time smoking; the ease with which he pulled one out a lit up wasn’t one he possessed; he definitely wasn’t familiar with the calming high he got afterwards. It wasn’t possible for him to be missing a feeling he’d never felt before, and he absolutely did not know where the momentary comfort with being this ‘Lance’ dude had come from. 

Again.

On reflex, Partick slotted the cigarette back between his lips and took another long, heavenly drag from it. Smoke filled him up, swirling around as he held it inside for a moment to enjoy the sensation before he let it back out in a lengthy blow. 

Comfort. Home. Relaxed. All those feelings swirled around with the smoke as he took drag after drag from the cigarette between Lance’s lips. 

Confusion. Panic. Fear. All those feelings left Patrick as he blew out the smoke each time. 

There wasn’t anything to worry about here, the cigarette had reminded him. He belonged here, this wasn’t some break in, he was just coming home. Each inhale of smoke he calmed down as the previously unknown itch for nicotine was scratched, each exhale Patrick felt more comfortable and at ease letting this voice call him Lance. It felt right, more right than Patrick felt as his name in the current moment. 

Once you’ve finished that off Lance you should get changed. Have a shower to wash off all that hair dye and makeup covering your tattoos, then your usual gym clothes are all there just as you left them. 

Lance looked over at the shower in the corner of the room. He could do with a shower after the long day, even if he didn’t quite know what else the voice was talking about. He ran a hand through his grey hair as he stood up and kicked his shoes off. It’d been brown once upon a time, but he’d never cared enough to dye it as he grew older. He’d never liked the way tattoos looked either, so why the voice thought he’d need to wear makeup to cover something he didn’t have was beyond him.

Nevertheless, he still switched the shower on then stripped quickly and stepped under the warm spray. It felt almost as good as the cigarette had, so much so he unconsciously turned the heat up higher than he’d usually tolerate. There was something about the almost scalding hot water as it rolled down his neck from his head, over his shoulders and down his torso, something that just felt right. There was a cloth and bottle he could only assume was shower gel, so he squeezed a generous amount into his hands and started rubbing it into his skin. Under his arms, over his crotch and between his ass cheeks, then up and over his shoulders and back into his hair, barely an inch of him was spared.

Once he was properly soaped up, Lance turned a little to place himself back directly under the spray and went to work washing it all off again. He barely noticed the grey colour that came with the suds in his hair, or the pinkish tint that sloughed off as he rubbed at his skin. Dark lines appeared the more he rubbed and cleaned, revealing dark tattoos and tanned skin all over his body, just as the voice had claimed. As he washed his hair he watched as some of it fell out and washed away down the drain, leaving it now cropped perfectly short to his scalp.

“When did I…?” Lance hesitated for a second as he stared at his inked flesh when the last of the shower gel had washed off. He didn’t remember getting tattoos… or did he? “Huh, yeah. That’s… that’s my ink. Missed seeing that on this job, maybe I’ll get more to celebrate being finished at last.”

“You did a great job getting into the police so deep Lance, I’m proud of you. Undercover work isn’t easy, but you’re done now.”

Lance smiled to himself as he stepped out of the shower and dried off. It was all coming back to him now. He wasn’t a cop or a detective, he was only pretending to be for the gang to throw off some of the stuff they’d been doing. He wasn’t this perfect Patrick Walters guy, that was just an alias they’d created for him. The memories of that life, growing up into some old guy like that, none of it was real. It was a backstory they’d planned out together. Even now he barely noticed as the memories slipped away, just the important details Lance had to memorise for the job sticking around. 

The location the voice was coming from had shifted too, but Lance was too preoccupied with drying himself off and grabbing his clothes to notice. It was clearer and closer to the door instead of sounding like it came from the TV in the centre of the room, not that it made a difference as Lance pulled on his favourite jockstrap and shorts. A tank top that showed off his muscles and tattoos followed, along with the necklace, backwards cap and earrings he always wore. 

He felt comfortable again now he’d dropped out of the disguise and got back to himself. How the stupid pigs had ever believed some shitty hair dye and makeup he hadn’t a clue, it wasn’t exactly a believable disguise. That and somehow passing for a man who just turned 40 when Lance himself had turned 28 only a few months before the beginning of this undercover stuff; the cops were really all as stupid as he thought they were. 

“How’re you feeling babe? Better to be back?”

The voice that was very clearly from inside the room startled Lance for a second before he looked up to see his boyfriend, who was also the leader of the gang he was part of, stood at the door. He had his arms folded over his chest and his signature smirk on his face, one that always got Lance’s cock throbbing.

“You know I am Raf. Been dying to be back in your arms for months.” Lance said as he strolled across the room. When he got close enough he untangled Raf’s crossed arms and pressed himself up against his lover, their muscled bodies snug together. “You got no idea how much I’ve missed you and myself, pulling off the straight older cop shtick was torture.”

Raf rubbed a hand over Lance’s shaved hair then let them slide down and settle around his waist. “I bet it was, but you’re back to normal now eh? Can get the hell outta here and get shit moving on the next phase. Now you’ve thrown them off us we can expand and take over the smaller gangs, become the big underground name around here. We’re gonna own this city thanks to you babe.”

Raf leaned in and kissed him then. Lance happily kissed back, letting his lover's beard scratch against his jaw as their lips slid together. It was more heavenly than the cigarette, which was something considering how much he smoked in one day. Not smoking or being with Raf had been the worst torture of his life, but it was all over now. He had his boyfriend back kissing him, his life back, everything. 

A few moments later the kiss ended and Raf slid out of his arms. He still held Lance’s hand tight as he pulled him out of the small room and pushed him back towards the ladder upwards, then let go so his lover could move. “You go on up Lance. I’m just gonna clear this place out, then I’ll come meet you up there and we can leave yeah?”

Lance nodded and grabbed hold of the ladder. “Sure thing Raf, I’ll see your sexy ass in the car for some hot sex yeah?”

Raf nodded and smirked again. “You bet your ass I will. It’s been long enough, I’ve missed the way you suck dick.” He watched Lance blush as the other man climbed the ladder out of the small basement, leaving Raf alone down there. He switched the TV off, grabbed up the clothes his boyfriend had taken off to get in the shower earlier, then walked back to the door. “Well Patrick, that sure went off without a hitch, didn’t it?” He said to the empty room before he locked it and headed off to catch up with Lance. 

Raf had a lot of fucking to do so he could make up for lost time, though whether that time was a few months or a lifetime was anyone’s guess…

#racial transformation #mental changes #male transformation #my writing #tf commissions #age regression

[tismrot]

UNHEALTHY, NEURODIVERGENT GOOD OMENS BRAINROT

It really gets to me - how my brain was my own (my obsessions, emotions and intrusive thoughts were about me, my life, my relationships) until I watched that last episode.

I’d seen Season 1 a couple of years back and thought it was cute. I noticed the #ineffablehusbands hashtag via Instagram and I remember thinking “aww” - I didn’t care all that much. It wasn’t a Thing for me.

And then I notice season 2 is out on Prime, I wait a couple of weeks to see it and then, having finished some other shows I needed something new to watch while walking on my treadmill.

First episodes were… cozy. I shamefully have to admit I went “oh, right, they had that impossible love thing going on” when watching these episodes, and I thought it would be nice if they got together by the end, and it certainly looked like it was heading there, in a meandering, fuzzy way.

By the fifth episode I’m quite invested, of course, and after Beelz and Gab revealed their love in episode six, I was like YEAH, now Aziraphale and Crowley kinda gotta, don’t they? Still no brainrot yet, just the regular “I’ve watched almost all of this show now and the main characters are into each other, so I’m rooting for them”.

And then, of course, the Final Fifteen. It took me from [casual viewer in her 30s] to [teenaged, autistic me, alone in my room all of the equivalent of junior high, obsessively teaching myself to read and understand Elvish, sewing elven dresses for myself that I wore to school, listening to nothing but Gregorian chants and the LotR soundtrack, watching the movie until the cassette was ruined].

I’ve now read Ars Goetia, Paradise Lost and Dante’s Inferno. I re-read all of Jane Austen (and I’m not even a fan). I bought the script book, I’ve read thousands of pages of fanfics, and I’ve written probably 300 myself (of which some is published. It’s not very good, but it’s there, I made it, it’s the child of my brain that was born from this obsession). I draw again, and I haven’t for years. Everything I do and say and feel finds a parallel or reference within then GO universe.

And. I mean. I may be autistic, but since the days in my room during my teen years, I have lived. I have been around the block and I haven’t kept my nose clean, I’ve been terrible and terrific and out there, I’m an extrovert and I’ve made so many friends and enemies, I have experiences. When I was 14, I had very little of that at all. I did not see the brainrot coming, I had no idea I was still capable, I thought my own life had been dramatic enough.

3 months later, and I still can’t sleep. I see them when I close my eyes. I watch other kind of media and make notes for my fic. I want to break free, but God knows I’ve fallen in love, and I am BROKEN over this. Give me season 3 or give me a stash that lasts until then.

(This gif depicts me throwing Good Omens out of my brain)

#crowley #good omens fandom #ineffable husbands #aziraphale x crowley #good omens 2 #crowley x aziraphale #ineffable spouses #innefable husbands #crowley edits #ineffable divorce #good omens brainrot #good omens tv #crowley good omens

[shutupptara]

‘tis the damn season - nathan mackinnon

summary: set during the 2020-shortened season- you’re home for christmas when you run into one nathan mackinnon on a grocery run. it’s been years since you’ve last talked, let alone seen each other, but it’s quickly like no time has passed. and the road not taken looks real good now..

i’ve been writing this since 2020. much like all of my writing i’ve posted, you have @kat-hearts to thank for this. she lovingly bullied me into finishing a piece i hadn’t touched in years. set at christmas, but not a christmas story. also set during the pandemic, so reality is very hand wavy (aka the nhl pushing the season happens, but lockdown isn’t reallllly a big deal) so if that bothers you, maybe skip this one.

is this any good? i honestly don’t know, but i know i loved writing nate so pls enjoy

word count: 13,151

warnings: alcohol use, strong language, explicit sexual content MINORS DNI, a general disdain for life and choices made, a tiny bit of angst, hating on Florida (it’s okay i live there) a LOT of self indulgence

title from ‘tis the damn season by Taylor Swift

It wasn’t that she didn’t like returning home for holidays, it was just a huge ordeal every time it happened. Not only was it a 3,000 mile trip, there was always ice and snow to contend with. Coupled with her well-meaning, albeit overbearing, neighbors, the holidays get to be a bit much for her to handle. Still, there’s something wonderful about the tranquility of home. Refreshing, really. With a year as stressful as 2020 had been, it was a blessing to be able to return home for the holidays.

Her first true day of Christmas break, her mother begs her to go to the store for her: there’s so much baking to prepare for, and while she is happy to do the shopping for her, she knows it’s so she won’t see her wrapping presents. Even at 26, her mom insists upon marking her gifts ‘from Santa’, and the nostalgia of it always makes her smile. So, against her better judgment, she ventures out to the closest Sobeys. She has her jacket and scarf pulled tightly around her, unwilling to admit to herself she really can’t take the cold anymore, but mostly wanting to hide to be in and out as quickly as possible.

She grabs a cart on her way in the store, unlocking her phone and holding it open in front of her, eyes sweeping across the list her mother had sent her with. It isn’t terribly long, thankfully. She makes quick work of grabbing what she needs, moving down the aisles long ago committed to memory with ease. Various other things get tossed into the cart as she moves: chocolate covered pretzels, a case of Diet Coke, her favorite cheese crackers.

When she reaches the wine aisle, she shrugs to herself, deciding it’ll be best to have some on hand, in case of an emergency. She grabs a bottle of Roscato for her mom, and two bottles of cab for herself. Once they’re safely in the cart, she makes her way to the checkout line. There’s quite a few people crowded there, and she tries to maneuver around to a shorter line, her brow furrowing when she spots a rather large looking man a few feet in front of her.

As she gets closer, realization washes over her. “Nathan MacKinnon,” she stops in her tracks, heart swooping in her chest. “As I live and breathe.” It comes out before she really even processes what’s happening.

He turns, almost as if in slow motion, his eyes widening when they land on her. “My god, it’s been ages. What are you doing here?”

She smiles slightly, suddenly hyper aware of how messy her hair is, and the fact that she hadn’t tried very hard when getting dressed this morning. “Could ask you the same thing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you home for Christmas.” She knows for a fact she hasn’t. It was the one reprieve of being back in Cole Harbour - Nate was never here.

“Yeah, I’m usually not,” he shrugs. “I uh, you know with the year as crazy as it’s been, and the season being pushed, I’ve actually been home most of the year. Hanging out with Andy, Sid, Jack, Pete...” There’s a longing look on his face, mirroring the ache she knows is lingering in his chest. There’s an identical one inside of her, and she knows she’s to blame for the pain Nate’s dealing with. This wasn’t a particularly easy run in for either of them, but it’s almost refreshing in a way? She doesn’t care about the buddies he’s spending his time with, she would’ve asked if she did, but it’s obviously important to Nate she know, and she doesn’t want to read too much into that. Maybe he wants her to know he’s not spending time with another girl, and she hates that part of her is hopeful because of that but it’s not fair to be. She can’t expect him to stay single forever, simply because being here and seeing him has every feeling she’s ever felt for him rushing back.

“Sounds like you’ve been busy,” she laughs. “I’m really glad I ran into you.” There’s a surprising amount of truth to that. God, it’s been almost eight years since she’s seen Nate, even in passing, but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t followed his career. She’s from Canada for Christ’s sake, of course she follows hockey.

“I am too,” Nate grins. “Hey, you should come by later. There’s a few people coming over, no one you hate,” he raised his eyebrows and she can’t help but laugh. “No expectations, just drinking and fun. It would be nice to catch up.”

Without hesitation, she’s blurting out, “I would love that.”

“Great!” Nate exclaims. She can practically see him center himself in that moment, try to keep it together.

“I’m staying at my parents’ house,” she offers. Though I would much rather be with you, her mind continues, and she shakes her head to try to clear it. “Are you still two doors down?”

Nate reaches a hand up, rubbing the back of his hand awkwardly. “Nah, I bought a house when I signed with the Avs. It’s a bigger one, out on Albany Terrace. I think you’ll like it.”

She smiles brightly. “I’m excited to see it.”

“Yeah?” Nate mutters.

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it.”

“I’ll text you the address,” he offers. “Guess that means you have to give me your number.”

___

She makes a substantial effort to not show up right at 8 pm. It’s difficult, as she’s been a compulsively early person her whole life, but this time it feels necessary to be “fashionably late”. It helps that she fusses with what to wear for over thirty minutes- this shouldn’t be a big deal, and she doesn’t want it to be, but that doesn’t change the anxiety that’s swelling in her chest. She tells herself this isn’t anything to stress, it’s just catching up with an old friend and if things are awkward, she can always leave. Still, as she pulls up to Nate’s house, she realizes there’s a part of her that’s a tiny bit excited.

She takes in a slow breath as she kills the engine, nodding to herself as she climbs out of the car and heads up the walkway. She’s clutching a bottle of Jack Daniels in her left hand, never showing up empty handed instilled in her at a young age. She rings the doorbell, glancing around curiously as she waits. Her heart is pounding, and she’s ready to turn and bolt back to her car when the door swings open.

Nate’s standing in front of her, a soft smile on his face. She lets her eyes sweep over him, admiring the beige cable knit sweater straining over his shoulders. He looks so relaxed, so incredibly casual. “Hey! So glad you made it. Come in.” He steps aside, closing the door behind her. “That a bottle of Jack?” She can’t do anything but nod, holding it out to him wordlessly. “You haven’t changed a bit,” he laughs. “Everyone’s in the living room. There’s food in the kitchen if you’re hungry.”

Nate leads the way through the house, stopping briefly in the living room on his way to the kitchen. “Hey guys!”

She peers around him, relieved to see there really wasn’t anyone she hated in attendance. Pete, who she's known her whole life and his girlfriend Hannah are first to greet her, ushering her to sit beside them.

“Hey squirt, it’s been ages,” Pete teases.

“You forget I’m older than you,” She laughs. “But yeah, it’s been a long time.”

“Where are you living now?” Hannah asks.

“Florida. Been there for almost five years.” She falls quiet then, eyes glancing at where Nate is still standing.

He fidgets, and clears his throat. “I’m gonna grab a drink.” With that, he disappears around the corner, and she’s left to slump into the couch.

For a while, she mostly listens to Pete talk about his job, or the crappy apartment Hannah’s parents are begging them to move out of. It’s only a matter of time until they end up engaged, she knows, and she’s happy they’ve found happiness. It does little to help her feel like less of a leper, though. As soon as she’s able to find a break in their one-sided conversation, she jumps on it, taking the opportunity to disappear into the kitchen. Nate’s on one of the other couches, talking to Andy about getting a Call of Duty game going, and that’ll be enough to keep him occupied for hours. No chance he’ll notice her absence until she can figure out what the hell she was thinking showing up here tonight.

She heads straight for the freezer when she enters the kitchen, pulling out the bottle of Jack, and grabbing a solo cup laid out on the counter. She drops a handful of ice into the cup, followed shortly after by a hefty pour of the dark liquid. She brings the cup to her lips after taking a long drink.

“Jack on the rocks, eh?” A voice behind her asks.

“‘Tis the damn season,” she mutters, turning to spot Sidney Crosby leaning against the doorframe. She raises her cup to him, taking another long drink.

He lets out a honking laugh, eyes sparkling. “It’s nice to see you again.”

She quirks an eyebrow, “didn’t really think you’d remember me, to be honest.” She had only encountered Sidney a handful of times, and she never thought she’d left much of an impression. Truth be told, she was always a little star struck around him- it was hard not to be.

He furrows his brow, frowning. “Come on, I met you a bunch of times when you lived in Pennsylvania. And Nate talked about you nonstop when you were-“ he trails off, shrugging.

“Pen pals?” She offers. She can tell Sidney doesn’t see it as bitter. There’s a sadness in her voice she probably won’t ever be able to shake when she’s talking about Nate.

He shakes his head, but doesn’t push her, thank god. Instead, he steps into the kitchen, pours himself a cup of Jack on rocks, and clinks his cup against hers. “Here’s to escaping hometowns,” he toasts.

She grins. She takes another long drink, frowning at her cup when she realizes it’s nearing empty. “I think I may get drunk tonight, Sidney.”

He offers her the bottle, “I’m with you. Let’s do it.”

Surprisingly enough, Sidney Crosby is the one to save her from the awkwardness of the evening. True to his word, he does stay in the kitchen and drink with her. They talk about everything from Sid’s most recent cup wins to why on earth she decided Florida was a good place for her to settle down. They tread very carefully on any conversation that can take a turn to Nate, and she’s thankful Sidney read the room. He’s quite fun to be around once you chip away the exterior and he lets his guard down. They relocate to the table in the corner, and keep the bottle of Jack between the two of them, both casually refilling their cups as the night wears on.

When the bottle is almost empty and she can feel her head swimming, she jumps at the sound of another person entering the kitchen. “Ah, this is where you’ve been hiding.” Nate takes the seat beside her at the table, his leg bumping against hers as he maneuvers his chair. “Should’ve known you’d ditch me for Crosby.”

Opposite them, Sidney snorts. “Nah, just needed a drinking buddy, is all.”

“Sid is surprisingly good at drinking Jack,” she offers.

“Yeah?” Nate grins. “Seems like you’re pretty good too. Have you eaten anything?”

She taps her finger against her lips, considering, before shaking her head dramatically. “Nope.”

“Maybe we should fix that...”

Again, she shakes her head. “No room for food. Just alcohol.”

Nate smiles at her, and even in the haze of the alcohol, she feels her heart warm. It’s that same fond smile she’d loved so much when they were together, and she knows she can’t let her mind run away from her, but at the moment, she can’t rationalize why that’s the case. “In that case, let me break out the good stuff.” He stands up, heading to the cabinet above his stove. There, he grabs a fancier looking bottle, a dark brown liquid sloshing around as he carries it over to the table. “Crown Royal XR, so you never forget where you came from.” He takes the liberty of pouring her and Sid a glass before fixing one for himself, and reclaiming his seat.

She sniffs the liquid in the cup, eyes widening. “Ooof.”

“Don’t quit on me now,” Sid goads. He nudges her with his elbow, giggling.

She shakes her head adamantly. “Momma didn’t raise a quitter,” she announces. She raises her glass, waiting as Nate and Sid follow suit. “Here’s to Cole Harbour’s golden boys.” She sees Nate roll his eyes, but he’s smiling when he brings his glass to his lips.

She takes a long drink, her tongue flicking out to lick her lips. “Oh, that is really smooth.”

“Everything’s better when it’s Canadian,” Sid pipes up.

She giggles at this, which makes Nate quirk an eyebrow. “There’s no arguing that point, Florida.”

“Come on, Florida isn’t that bad,” she insists.

Nate looks to Sid, then back to her, shrugging. “The fact that you have to say it that way doesn’t help your case.”

“It doesn’t snow there!”

“Boo,” Sid says.

“How do you even survive without hockey down there?” Nate adds.

“Shut up, there’s hockey! My friend Nick would argue Tampa is a huge hockey town. Wait- oh my god!” She cuts herself off, looking around excitedly. She pats the pockets of her pants, pulling a face when she can’t find her phone.

“What are you doing?” There’s a distinct amusement in Nate’s voice.

“Where’s my phone? I wanna FaceTime Nick. He always gives me shit about knowing y’all. He pretends he doesn’t believe me because he’s never met you, so somehow that means I haven’t? I don’t even know...”

“Nick your boyfriend?” Nate grumbles, voice low.

She just snorts out a laugh, and takes her phone when Sidney slides it over to her. She clicks around on it for a second, then the distinct sound of a FaceTime call fills the room. She drums her fingers against the table impatiently, eyes lighting up when the line clicks on.

“Hey!” An excited voice fills the room.

“Hey Nick! What’re you up to?” She keeps the phone close to her, keeping Nate and Sid out of the frame.

“Well, it’s almost one in the morning on winter break so obviously I’m drunk with Garrett.”

“Tell him I said hi,” she insists.

“Sure. What’re you doing?”

Her eyes light up again, and she grabs her glass excitedly. “I’m also drunk, but I wanted to show you who I happen to be drunk with.” She downs the rest of the liquid in her glass and slides her phone back farther on the table, angling the camera to capture all three of them in the frame. “I give you Nate MacKinnon and Sidney Crosby.”

“Holy shit. That’s- fucking hell, that’s actually Sidney Crosby!”

She chuckles, turning the phone to face Sid and he waves awkwardly. “I told you, you don’t grow up in Cole Harbour without knowing the pride and joy of the city.”

“But you said you’d only met him a few times! And Nate MacKinnon too, what the fuck...”

“In the flesh. Oh, and Nate wanted to know if you were my boyfriend before I called.” She peers over at him, watching his cheeks flush pink. He opens his mouth to protest, but Nick quickly cuts him off.

He laughs, shaking his head. “Just one of my best friends, dude. You have my blessing. I know she would love to date a hockey player.”

“Yeah? Good to know.” Nate smirks.

“On that note, we’re going back to drinking now. Just wanted to humble brag real quick.” She flashes a toothy grin. “I’ll make them get dinner next time they’re in Tampa. Maybe you and the whole crew can come along.”

“Yes, totally! Have fun! Merry Christmas!” She wishes him a Merry Christmas back, and she’s ending the call, she hears Nick muttering to Garrett: ‘yes that was Sidney fucking Crosby’. She drops her phone down onto the table then, glancing over at Nate expectantly.

“So that’s Nick, my not boyfriend. He’s a big Lightning fan, and he hates the Penguins.”

“Charming,” Sid laughs. “Seems nice though.”

“Nick’s the best,” she agrees. “He and Danielle get me through living in Florida.”

“Ah, so you do admit Florida sucks?” Nate presses. He offers her another drink, and she nods eagerly. When her glass is full, he raises his to her. “Fuck Florida.” She taps hers against his, smiling widely.

“Fuck Florida, indeed.”

___

Another hour slips by as the three of them sit in the kitchen. The rest of Nate’s house is quiet, save for the inevitable hockey talk they’ve slipped into. Nate’s sobered during their time sitting there, his attention focused mostly on her and her half hearted responses. Poor girl is exhausted.

“Time for me to head out,” Sidney mutters. He pushes his chair back from the table, clapping a hand on Nate’s shoulder. “Uber’s outside. Thanks for having me, Nate. Nice catching up with you.”

“Bye Sid!” she brightens up, waving her fingers as he giggles and heads out the door. “Then there were two.”

“Sure I can’t interest you in some food?” Nate offers.

She shakes her head adamantly, eyes glossy, head swimming. “No, I told you... no room for food.” She rests her arms on the table, dropping her head down on top of them and peering up at Nate curiously.

He chuckles, resting a hand on her elbow. “Okay, time to get you home.”

She pulls a face, nose scrunching up in disgust. “Naaaate,” she draws out, “no.”

“Come on,” he laughs. “I’ll even tuck you in.”

She narrows her eyes at him, still frowning, “you promise?”

“Cross my heart.” He offers her his hand as he stands, helping her to her feet as soon as she agrees. He hooks her arm through his when she sways, trying to keep her steady on her feet. “I’ve got you.”

It takes some maneuvering, and a lot of patience on Nate’s part, but eventually, he’s able to get her into the front seat of his truck. He buckles her seatbelt for her when he slides behind the wheel, starting the car as she starts complaining about how uncomfortable his seats are.

“Good thing your parents live less than three minutes from here, huh?” He teases. He glances at her out of the corner of his eye, seeing her head slumped back against the headrest.

She’s quiet for a long time, and he has to tear his eyes from the road to make sure she hasn’t fallen asleep. When he does, he catches her gaze. “Nathan?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry.” She mumbles.

“You don-“

She shakes her head, eyes squeezed shut. “No, Nathan, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I walked out I just- fuck, I didn’t want to be a WAG. I didn’t want hockey above all else, always. It wasn’t fair for me to do that.”

He’s quiet, hand gripping the wheel a little tighter. “Well, it wasn’t fair of me to make you feel like that would be your reality.” He hesitates, taking a slow, deep breath. After a moment, he nods to himself. “We can call it even.”

He offers her a shy smile, and she can’t stop herself from returning it. She unhooks her seatbelt and slides closer to him on the bench, resting her head against his shoulder. “Deal. Thank you, Mack.”

___

When they arrive at her parents’ house, Nate kills the engine and lets out a sigh. “Come on. Let’s get you inside.” She groans, but sits up straight.

“Fine,” she grumbles. She pushes the door open hastily, climbing out and crosses her arms over her chest. Nate simply shakes his head, taking her arm again and leading her up the pathway carefully. He knows it’s icy, and the last thing they need is the both of them to eat shit.

As soon as they reach the front door, Nate shushes her, trying to remain as quiet as possible while he pulls out the spare key from beneath the mat. He’s done this countless times before, and truly, it never gets any easier.

“Mack, remember when you tried to sneak me in drunk right before you left for juniors?” She laughs. She just giggles even louder when he presses a finger to his lips, eyes pleading. “You always take care of me.”

“I know, shhhh. I always will. We’ve gotta get inside.” Moments later, Nate gets the door open, tugging her across the threshold. He pulls the door shut as quietly as possible before glancing up, spotting her parents in the living room, sitting on couches reading. “Hi guys,” he sighs.

“Nate,” her mom smiles. “It’s good to see you.”

“You too. Sorry about this.. She was drinking with Sid and I didn’t want her driving-“

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here,” she whines. “I’m perfectly fine, Nathan.”

Her dad gives him a knowing look, chuckling. “Thanks, son.”

“Lucky to have you around, Nate,” her mom adds. “You know the way.”

He nods, tugging on her arm to lead her up the stairs to her childhood bedroom. She grumbles the entire way, complaining about being “too tired to see” or “everything’s spinning, I’m going to die”. Nate can’t contain his laughter, which only seems to frustrate her more. She glares at him when she finally gets the door to her room open, kicking her shoes off by the door and flopping down onto her bed in a huff. “Who let me drink me so much,” she groans.

“That would be Sid,” Nate leans against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest.

“He’s an enabler.” She lifts her head up, peering at him thoughtfully. “I was afraid to talk to you tonight,” she admits. “And he supported my stupidity to try to make me feel better. At least his heart is in the right place.”

Nate’s brown furrows. “Why would you be afraid to talk to me?”

She pushes herself up into a seated position, crossing her legs underneath her. “A tiny screen’s the only place I see you now.” Her voice is low, eyes cast downward. “I don’t know what we have in common anymore, or if you’d even want to talk to me.”

“Hey,” Nate says, pushing himself off the doorframe and stepping into the room. Two strides bring him over to the bed, and he sits beside her, craning his neck down to catch her eye. “I asked you to come over because I did want to talk to you. Do.” He hesitates, rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t know why but I never expected to run into you, and when I did, all I could think about was reconnecting and... I don’t know, being friendly again? There’s a pretty big you shaped hole in my life.”

She looks at him, eyes sweeping over every last detail of his face. She wants to blame the alcohol for how attractive she finds him in that moment, but she knows she can’t. Nate has always been gorgeous, and their time growing, apart, has only increased that. “I’ve got a big Nate Mack hole too,” she admits.

Without wavering, he reaches out and rests his hand on hers, rubbing his thumb across the smooth skin there. “Tomorrow, then. I’m coming by with breakfast and we’re gonna play pond puck.”

She can’t help the groan that falls from her lips. “I’m going to be far too hungover to be on skates tomorrow.”

“Should’ve thought of that before you drank half a bottle of Jack,” he grins. “Night.”

___

True to his word, Nate does come by first thing in the morning. She crawls out of bed at the sound of laughter down the stairs, wincing when the light hits her eyes. She manages to pull herself together to look somewhat presentable, though her headache is enough to have her debating hiding under the covers for the day.

“Oh, look who’s up!” Her dad teases. He’s sitting opposite Nate at the kitchen table, reading the paper like this is the most normal thing in the world.

“Morning sleeping beauty,” Nate laughs. “I brought Timmies.”

“Black?” She mutters, reaching for the cup gratefully. He nods. “Not iced, but I guess I’ll live. Thanks.”

Nate rolls his eyes, bringing his own cup to his lips and taking a long drink. “We gotta get you out of America. Not iced, pft,” he scoffs.

“Nate’s got a point, kid. You’re barely a Canadian anymore.”

She gives him a pointed look. “I didn’t hear you and mom complaining in Florida in January last year.”

Her dad grins. “I didn’t say it was a bad thing.”

“Yeah, sure,” she smiles.

“You hungry at all?” Nate asks.

“Just coffee for me,” she raises her cup to him.

“Alright. Should we get going then?”

“A heroic return to my pond puck career,” she jokes. “Should be great with this hangover.”

Her dad laughs loudly, shaking his head. “Don’t let her fall through the ice, Nate.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He flashes a winning smile as he gestures for her to head out the door in front of him. “Your dad was thrilled to help me find your old skates in the garage this morning,” he tells her as they climb into his truck.

She rests her head against the cold window, eyes shut. “Of course he was.”

“It was nice to see them again,” he says quietly. “I always really liked your parents.”

“Good thing, they love you.” And it’s completely true. To this day, her mother still asks her about Nate. What’s he up to, if he’s seeing anyone... it would be sweet if it wasn’t so painful for her to have to relive every time she brings it up. Her dad is thankfully more subtle- they really only talk about Nate when hockey comes up. Of course they both keep tabs on the Avs, and it’s a common ground that is far more exhaustive than her job that her dad doesn’t really understand anyway. All in all, yes, her parents do love Nate, which made their break up that much harder.

Nate doesn’t respond; her words linger in the air like a bad perfume. There’s a kind of expectation to them, a dare to explore what that means and how it makes either of them feel. Thankfully, Nate pulls his truck off the road before they have to broach the subject. Just ahead of them, there’s a frozen pond, a couple of trash cans tipped over on either side to use as makeshift goals. It’s the same pond they’d played on as kids, hours spent skating and laughing together. It brings back a melancholic feeling, one that seems to sit in her chest when she follows Nate’s lead and climbs out of the car. He hands her her skates and a stick when they start walking, eyes focused on the snow beneath their feet.

She laces up her skates silently, glancing over at Nate every so often. He looks like he wants to say something, but just isn’t sure where to begin. She tries no to dwell on it, and instead let herself have a good time today. It’s been a long time since she’s had the chance to skate.

She uses the stick Nate handed her to help stand and steps out onto the ice, skates wobbling as she tries to get her bearings.

“Looking a little rusty there, Gretz,” Nate teases.

“Oh shut up,” she groans. It takes her a minute, but before long, she finds her comfort on skates again. It’s second nature, something she knows she will never forget how to do. “It’s just been a while.”

“Nowhere to skate in the sunshine state, eh?” He skates around her in a circle, turning around and skating backwards so he can face her. “What could possibly make you want to stay there?”

She gives a half shrug. “My life is there.”

Nate nods. “Right. Your job, your not boyfriend...” The smile on his face suggests he’s kidding, but she can see something behind his eyes.

“Nate...” there’s a warning in her voice.

He holds a hand up in defense. “Sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it, I just... what do you?”

“I’m a counselor,” she tells him. She chuckles when he purses his lips, clearly having no idea what that entails. “It’s supposed to be a mental health professional in the schools - someone to help students short term, refer out for bigger issues, teach social emotional skills. I’m just a glorified secretary at this point.”

He narrows his eyes, considering her. “I don’t believe that. You’re too good.”

She lets out a long sigh. “No, it’s true. Nothing I do actually helps anyone, and the one girl I did have a good relationship with, I was too busy to help this year. So she’ll never come back to talk to me now. I’m always a month behind and I don’t know-“ she lets her voice trail off, feeling her eyes sting as they fill with tears. It never hits her like this until she says it out loud, but it’s so alarming to lose your passion. She’s content, but she’s not happy, and it’s hard to feel like she didn’t make a huge mistake with her choices in life.

Nate stops suddenly, causing her to slam right into him. He reaches out and grabs her shoulders, keeping her upright. “Hey,” he coos, “I’m sure she’ll come back to talk to you. This year is unlike anything anyone has ever seen. I’m sure a lot of this is stress.”

This seems to open the flood gates, and against her better judgment, she feels hot tears start streaming down her cheeks. It only makes her cheeks more cold, and she curses under her breath. “I think I messed up, Nate. Florida, counseling, what if it was all a mistake?” She shakes her head, dropping it down to stare at their feet.

Nate reaches out, tilting her chin up with one finger. “Then you make a change. Find out how to be happy again, and go after it.” His hand slides up to cup her cheek, warm fingers wiping away her tears. “You’re incredible. If you made a mistake, that’s fine. Regroup, move past it.”

Her breath hitches, eyes locking with his. She can feel a smile tugging at her lips, her heart warming at his words. It’s an incredible feeling to be validated like this, to know her concerns aren’t ridiculous and she’s not an utter failure for rethinking every decision that’s brought her to this point. It’s tenfold now, standing so close to Nate, her heart beating wildly in her chest. “Nate, I-“

“I believe in second chances,” he tells her. His voice is barely above a whisper now, the rasp sending a tingle up her spine. She can hear the unspoken words behind it, I believe in you, and I believe in us. Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but with the way he’s looking at her right now, it’s hard to take it any other way. Maybe she could let herself do this - love again, put her faith in him.

There’s nothing she wants more than to be able to give in, melt into his arms and tell him it was all wrong, but they can fix it now. With his bright blue eyes shining the way they are, she even lets part of herself believe that.

It’s the other, realistic part of her that holds her back. The what ifs and rational thinking of distance and time zones and years past rearing their ugly head. The fear of getting hurt again, or hurting him. There’s just too much to consider, too many sacrifices to ask of any one person.

“I want to believe in them too,” she admits. “But-”

Her eyes tell him everything she’s too afraid to. He inhales sharply, nodding once. “I understand. I won’t push you.” His fingertips brush across her cheeks gently before he drops his hand to his side. A sad sigh falls past his lips, and before he can move to skate away, she’s grabbing his forearm and gripping it tightly.

“We’ll play for it,” she blurts, mostly in an attempt to keep him from walking away.

Nate’s eyes snap up. “What are you talking about?”

“We’ll play each other. Pond puck. And I’ll be yours for the weekend.”

“If who wins?”

“Either of us.” Her hesitance is clear as day on her face, the anxiety swirling in her stomach. Maybe she’s being ridiculous, childlike even, but this is the only way she can give her heart what it wants without giving up her entire life. Albeit how appealing that road looks at the moment.

Gaze narrowing, he purses his lips in consideration. “You’re saying no strings?”

She nods, “I’m saying I won’t ask you to wait for me, if you don’t ask me to stay.”

“So a one night stand?”

Her head shakes slowly, teeth worrying at her lower lip. “No. I want the weekend with you in our own little bubble. I want to ignore reality and just… be.”

“I think we need terms for this,” Nate says. “What’s off limits, what isn’t.”

“Of course,” she agrees. “What you’re comfortable with.”

“If you win, big if, I’m yours for the weekend. You can call the shots; anything you want to do. Fair?” When she agrees, he cracks a small smile. “Great. When I win, you’re mine for the weekend. I’ll call the shots.”

“Sounds reasonable-”

“One more thing,” he cuts in. “You can’t break my heart.”

His words hang heavy between them, shifting the atmosphere. This feels like a contingency meant for more than just the weekend. It makes her chest ache to think about it, but Nate’s speaking again before she can get a word in edgewise. “Alright,” he pulls a puck out of his back pocket, holding it out between them. “First to three, yeah?”

He’s courteous enough to wait for her to get her bearings, both hands on her stick, knees bent, before he drops the puck between them. He taps it a few times with his stick, moving in slow circles. He pauses when they’re face to face again, leaning forward. “I’ll let you have first go.”

“Don’t go easy on me, Dogg,” she teases. “I’m tough. I can take it.” She mirrors his stance, leaning over the puck with her hands spread wide on the stick.

“Game on, babe.” She sweeps her stick over his, cursing under breath when he swipes the puck away from her. He carries it on his stick across the ice, avoiding her attempted checks and steals as he goes. Eventually, she abandons that tactic, instead racing ahead of him and turning to defend the “goal”. She keeps her stick down, watching his eyes to try to read his play. He fakes left, moves right, stopping on a dime as he throws ice across her shins. She blinks and the puck is slamming around in the can, Nate throwing his arms in celebration.

“One down,” he gloats.

She rolls her eyes, flicking the puck out at him. It skids to a stop in front of his skates, and she heads back to center ice, knowing he won’t be far behind. By some miracle, she’s able to gain possession of the puck in the faceoff, doing her best to get a jump on him and head down the ice. In an instant, he’s right behind her, stick held out in front of her, attempting to poke check it away. When she shifts, Nate checks into her from the side, nearly sending her tumbling on the ice. “Okay Mr. Lady Byng,” she laughs.

Nate simply grins at her, taking off after the puck and keeping it a distance away from her ahead of him. Effortlessly, he sends the puck sailing into the trash can, turning around to face her with an even cockier grin. “Not looking too good for you.”

“You’re a cheater,” she mumbles, retrieving the puck and gliding over to center ice. She keeps it in her hand as Nate eyes her, his gaze dragging slowly from her skates to the top of her head. “What?”

He shakes his head, jutting his chin out. “I don’t cheat.” He hunches over his stick, waiting for her to crouch into the same position and drop the puck. The intensity that emanates from him is palpable, his bated breath, clenched teeth only adding to the stakes. When the puck falls from her hand, it’s like time slows down. There’s a frigid breeze across her cheeks, blowing her hair back over her shoulders - the puck clattering against the ice once, twice, before it’s flat and they’re both springing into action. Their sticks collide as they sweep them, neither making contact with the puck at first.

It’s Nate who comes up victorious from the faceoff, stickhandling it until he’s able to turn his back to her. She knows he’s far too advanced for her to out play - his skills are unmatched, so she opts for playing a little dirty, using her own skills to her advantage. When Nate fakes and moves left, she positions herself there, right in front of him. All the air whooshes out of her as they collide, his shoulder pressed against her chest. The startled expression on his face makes her crack a grin, and he’s distracted enough by the move to let her gain possession. Once it’s on her stick, she takes off down the ice in the other direction, keeping the puck out in front of her. She can feel Nate hot on her tail, attempting to swat the puck free, knock her off balance. Her eyes stay fixed to the trash can, and she doesn’t hesitate - just slaps the puck as hard as she can. The bang that rings out echoes through the quiet, and she glances over her shoulder, flashing Nate a triumphant smile.

“Two-one now,” she points out. It’s a ridiculous thing to try to boast about, but it very clearly pushes Nate’s buttons. She’s never known a single person to be more competitive, and it’s admittedly fun to draw that side out of him every now and again.

She can tell she’s struck the nerve when Nate gets huffy, his nostrils flaring as he rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah,” he grumbles. “Just get ready for the faceoff.” He reaches down to scoop the puck out of the can, quickly following her back to center ice and watching her get situated. Seconds pass in silence until they’re both ready, and Nate drops the puck.

It’s a hard-fought battle from the moment the puck hits the ice. Nate jumps into action, immediately getting his blade down, trying to gain control. But she doesn’t concede to him as easily this time. She bends her knees a little further, using her body to shove against his side, trying to throw him off. When he chances a look at her, she swats at the puck, nearly situating it on her own stick. Nate chuckles, shifts his weight to his other foot, and steals the puck back. The movement throws her a little off balance, and she reaches out for him on instinct, hand gripping the fabric covering his shoulder tightly. She tugs at it to keep herself upright, ignoring his half hearted scoff when it knocks him away from the puck slightly. Within seconds he rights himself, tearing down the ice toward the goal. He’s impossibly fast, and she knows there’s no catching up to him, so the resounding “clang” of the puck hitting the metal comes as no surprise.

When she lifts her gaze, she immediately spots a grinning Nate skating over to her. The corners of his eyes crinkle in delight. “That’s game,” he breathes as he skids to a stop, throwing snow across her shins. Breath hitching as she draws her eyes up to his face, she notices Nate is so close. Closer than he’s been to her in years, and heart is pounding in her chest. With a clatter, he drops his stick to the ice, tossing his gloves down beside it. Now bare-handed, he reaches up, brushing her hair back off her shoulder. The cold air bites against the skin of her cheek for just a moment before his hand is there, big and warm and so soft. “I call the shots, right?” His voice is barely above a whisper, but her eyes are zeroed in on his lips. His tongue flicks out to wet them after a brief nod of her head, and something in her brain short circuits. Drawing in a shaky breath, she holds it as Nate leans in, lips brushing against hers gently, tentative. On their own accord, her hands are flying up to grip his shoulders, her legs suddenly weak.

The kiss is over almost as soon as it’s started, and it leaves her breathless, eyes blinking open slowly. All she can focus on is the small smile that appears on Nate’s lips, and the deep blue of his eyes.

“Do you have plans later?” Nate mutters.

“No.”

There’s that blinding grin again. “Good.” He leans in, pressing a soft little kiss to the side of her mouth, barely inches from her parted lips. “I’m picking you up at seven.”

___

“Where are we going Nate?” She asks, eyes narrowed. They’re sitting side by side in his truck, driving mostly in silence to their unknown destination. His earlier text was cryptic, merely telling her to dress warmly with a smiley emoji. It’s out of character for him, but mostly she’s surprised he seems to want to be spending time outside. In December. In Canada. Sure it’s been warmer than in past years, but when the sun drops, they’re lucky to be breaking twenty degrees Fahrenheit.

“It’s a surprise,” he says. A small smirk dances across his lips, eyes seeming to sparkle with mischief. He knows how much she hates not knowing, but she understands he’s trying to do something fun too. So she sucks in a deep breath and lets it out slowly, shifting her focus to the road in front of them. “You’ll like it,” he promises. There’s the tiniest hint of uncertainty there, a hesitation that tells her he’s just as nervous and confused about everything as she is. Do they know what the other likes anymore? How much has changed?

“I’m sure I will,” she insists.

They drive in comfortable silence, the low hum of Nate’s truck the only sound filling the air. When she chances a glance at him, she’s met with his calm expression, the familiar curve of his nose, his pursed lips. His concentration is clear as day, and she can’t quite place why it’s so endearing.

Thankfully, she doesn’t have much time to dwell on it. He drives about twenty feet more before he’s pulling off the main road. Immediately, they’re both bouncing on their seats, the uneven terrain jerking them back and forth. Just as she opens her mouth to ask him what’s happening, Nate puts the car in park and kills the engine. Wordlessly, he opens his door, stepping around the truck quickly to pull hers open for her. He holds a hand out to her to help her step down, and keeps a firm hold on it when she’s safely on the ground.

“Nate?” She says finally, head cocked in confusion. They’re parked in the middle of an open field, nothing but trees and the setting sun around them. It’ll be dark soon, and she’s not exactly sure what she should be expecting. “What-“

“Trust me,” he cuts in. He smiles at her when she nods, then leads her toward the back of his truck. He lowers the tailgate with his free hand, then reaches for a handle on the cover. His grip finally drops as he clicks the handle into place and walks the cover back toward the cab. Inside it, pillows and blankets cover the bed of the truck, a Yeti cooler stashed into the corner. When she catches his eye again, he’s sheepish, a bashful smile on his face. “I thought it’d be nice to just sit under the stars for a while.”

“Nathan…” it comes out in a sigh, and she’s thankful for the darkening sky that’s hiding her growing smile. She knows it’ll instantly give away how smitten she is, and that’s a conversation she’s not quite ready to have yet.

“Is it okay?” The hesitation in his voice has her jumping to reassure him.

“Yes, yes it’s perfect,” she rushes.

He dips his chin in a nod. “Let’s get you up then.” He doesn’t wait for her to respond, or really even process his comment before he steps over to her, lifting her easily around the waist and hoisting her up. As soon as her feet are planted in his truck, he gives her a little nudge forward, and climbs in after her. “Sit, make yourself comfortable,” he insists. He busies himself pulling out a flashlight, flicking it on and sitting it in the middle of the truck bed. Next, he’s grabbing food out of his cooler, placing them gingerly beside the flashlight. She merely watches in awe as item after item is taken out: plates, forks, glasses, crackers, cheese, wine, fruits. He’d thought of everything.

“It’s not a meal,” he reasons, “but I figured it’s better than nothing.” He produces a corkscrew from his pocket, then sets in on getting the wine bottle open.

“Nate, it’s wonderful,” she insists. She takes the stemless wine glass as he hands it to her, smiling softly. “Though I’m a little surprised to see you willingly eating carbs and drinking alcohol.” She cracks a grin when he rolls his eyes, making a show of bringing his glass up and taking a large gulp.

“Et tu?” Nate groans, dragging his free hand through his hair.

“I’m just messing with you.”

“You’ve read all the articles, then? Keeping tabs on me?” He lifts his eyebrows suggestively.

“Something like that.”

“Sorry to disappoint.”

“Nathan.” Her expression is hard, a no nonsense frown on her face. “You do not disappoint anyone.”

He sighs, and passes her a plate of various snacks, keeping his eyes on his hands. “I don’t know how true that is.”

“I do. You’re being hard on yourself.”

He considers for a moment, shrugging. “Maybe. But I need to be. It keeps me disciplined.”

She scoffs, rolling her eyes before popping a cut piece of fruit into her mouth. “I don’t think you need help in that department.”

“I started seeing a sports psychologist,” he mumbles. It catches her off guard, his admission, but it fills her with pride all the same. The Nate she knew before never would’ve taken that step, and he certainly wouldn’t have told anyone about it. That’s growth.

“How’s that been?”

“I like it. Kinda helps me take a step back from things and visualize what I want and how to get there.” He hesitates, opening his mouth before closing it quickly.

“Sounds like there’s a but there?”

“But I don’t know that it's enough.”

“In what way? Like you need more help with your mental health?”

He scrunches his nose. “No, I guess with hockey and stuff. It just-“ he cuts himself off with a sigh. “It feels like I’ve put in the work, and have gotten no results.”

“Because you haven’t won shit?” She offers. She cracks a grin when Nate looks up at her, expression blank. This only serves to make her giggle, and as much as she wants to blame it on the wine, she knows it’s the way Nate shakes his head and cracks a grin right alongside her.

“I haven’t won shit,” he agrees.

“You will.”

“You sound so sure.”

“Because I am.”

“Why?”

She brings her glass up, polishing off the rest of her drink and then sets the glass down. Hesitantly, she scoots forward a bit more, until her knees bump against his. His eyes draw up to hers slowly, the icy blue stealing the breath from her lungs. “Because I know you, Nathan. And you were born to do this.”

“It’s really not feeling like it these days.” There’s so much defeat in his voice it makes her chest tighten. On a whim, she reaches over and takes his hand, rubbing her thumb over his wrist slowly. “Feels more like I can’t do anything right.”

She wants desperately to reassure him, tell him his mind is wrong and playing tricks on him but she knows that isn’t what he needs. He has to navigate this himself. She can offer him support, but this is something he has to figure out on his own.

“I went first overall, I should be doing more for the team. It’s just been first or second round exits year after year. I can’t get us out of this hole.”

“It isn’t only up to you,” she reminds him. “If you feel you’re not playing up to your standards that’s one thing, but you can’t play every position. It’s not fair to entirely blame yourself.”

“Maybe not,” he shrugs. “Maybe I made a mistake with all of this.”

She frowns, eyes narrowing. “With hockey?”

He nods. “Hockey, life. I don’t know. What if I chose wrong?”

“Well, you’re preaching to the choir on that bud,” she says. She hesitates a moment, gathering herself. “For what it’s worth, I know you didn’t choose wrong. Things have been a bit bleak, sure, but you are far too talented to not share that gift with the world.”

Nate’s gaze catches hers, and she feels a shiver travel up her spine. When concern floods his features, she knows he’s felt it too. “You cold? C’mere.” He gives her no time to respond, just leans himself back against the pillows and reaches for a blanket. Once it’s situated over him, he pulls her in close against his side until her cheek is against his chest and his arm is around her back. The blanket gets tugged up to cover her too, and they lay together, cocooned in the blankets under the stars.

“Better?” Nate rasps, and truly, yes. This has made things better. Being so close to him, warm and safe - this is the first time she’s been able to take a deep breath in a long time. But she can’t admit that to him. So she gives a soft murmur in agreement and shuts her eyes to commit this moment to memory.

“I’m proud of you Nate,” she says eventually. “I know that doesn’t really help with all this, but I’m not the only one, ya know? We’re all rooting for you.” She tilts her head up, staring straight into his eyes. It makes her lose her breath, especially when he gives her a small smile.

“I appreciate how much you believe in me,” he whispers. “It does help.” He draws his fingers up slowly, tickling them against the exposed skin where her sweatshirt has ridden up. It forms goosebumps immediately, and she cuddles in even closer, out of instinct. “Being here has been like coming up for air.” He sighs, eyes softening even further. “And seeing you-“

“Nate-“

“Don’t,” he rushes. “We have an agreement, right? You’re mine for the weekend?” The hopeful expression on his face guts her, but she nods. She is. For the weekend.

“Yes,” she agrees. She tilts her chin up far enough for her nose to bump against his jaw, nuzzling it. “I don’t wanna think about after.”

“Then don’t.” He cranes his neck further, until their breath mixes. “Just be here with me.” Gently, so gently, he kisses her. It’s just a tentative brush at first, but it sets her body on fire. Within seconds, she’s hauling herself even closer to him, dropping her body over his as she deepens the kiss. She feels Nate’s big hands come up to grip her hips, keeping her close.

It’s not desperate and frenzied, but it still has her heart racing. The sweep of his tongue across the seam of her lips has her sighing, melting into him. It’s comfortable, warm and familiar, like coming home. She knows she can’t dwell on that thought, so she pours everything she can into Nate instead. Kisses him breathless, then comes back for more.

When Nate breaks away, he lets his head fall back to the pillows, a tiny grin on his face. “I’ve missed this, babe. Missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too, Nate.” She admits, to herself just as much as she does him. It feels monumental to do so, but she lets herself have this moment; snuggles closer into Nate’s arms and kisses his neck. They have the weekend, and she’s not going to ruin that.

~

Reality starts to feel a bit distorted after laying with Nate in his truck. In a way, it feels like they’re existing inside a bubble - one that gives them a taste of the road not taken. It’s addicting, with the potential to be heart wrenchingly painful if she’s not careful. But part of her knew she’d end up here. Her and Nate had been so strong before fear crept into her mind. The problem now is figuring out how, if at all, this influences her real life that she’ll be getting back to sooner rather than later.

And Nate, bless his heart, seemed to be doing everything in his power to make this as hard as possible for her. He’d taken the “I call the shots” agreement to heart, planning the entire next day for them to spend together. He arrives at her house thankfully much later in the morning than the day prior, with iced Timmy’s in tow. He leaves a dozen doughnuts and two extra coffees on the counter for her parents, flashing that heart melting smile when she insists he didn’t have to go to the trouble.

“It’s no trouble,” he insists as they’re climbing into his truck. He immediately reaches to crank the heat for her, tugging his seatbelt across his body.

“Well thank you,” she says. “What’s on the docket today?”

He eases the truck out onto the road, his tongue poking out between his lips in concentration. Only when they’re settled into the lane does Nate glance over at her. “Thought we’d drive down to Peggy’s Cove. Walk around a little bit. See the lighthouse?”

Her face lights up at the mere mention. Peggy’s Cove is about an hour from Cole Harbour, and it’s always been one of her favorite day trips. There’s something so wonderfully calming about the shoreline, at any time of year. “Sounds good to me,” she says.

She’s pleased to find how at ease she feels beside Nate on the drive down. They happily flick through radio stations, singing along completely off key. Her cheeks start to hurt from the wide smile she can’t seem to wipe off her face, all thanks to Nate. And god, what a thought that is. She’d certainly never entertained the idea of meeting up with Nate at home, nor did she think she’d find herself riding around in his truck. It feels like an alternate reality and surprisingly, the thought doesn’t put a damper on her mood. It just makes her enjoy it all the more.

Before long, Nate is pulling into a deserted parking lot along the shore. He kills the engine then looks over at her, smiling softly. “Shall we?” When she nods, Nate climbs out of the truck and races around to grab her door for her.

It’s a stunningly beautiful day, but it's freezing, even bundled up against the cold. Despite her tightly wound scarf the wind nips her cheeks harshly as soon as she closes his door. In front of them, waves are crashing against the covered rocks, a soothing symphony filling the air. There's chunks of ice floating in the water, and she shakes her head at just how picture-esque it all is. A rare blue sky day in late December, the sun breaking through the small clouds, its rays reflecting off the snow on the rocks.

Nate turns to her, offering his hand and she takes it without hesitation. His gloved fingers wrap firmly around hers, and they start to slowly walk toward, squinting to see.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve been down here,” she admits. “I don’t know how I forgot how beautiful it is.”

“I’ve always loved it here,” Nate says. She glances at him, sees his pink cheeks, his hair blowing in every direction. It makes something in her chest tighten, and she squeezes his hand a little tighter. They make their way closer to the lighthouse silently, simply taking it all in.

As they approach the darker rocks, Nate stops suddenly, tugging her into him. His arms go around her shoulders, keeping her close. “This okay?” He whispers.

“Yes,” she breathes. More than okay, she wants to say. It’s touching really, that he’d drive all this way just to stand there with her and stare at a lighthouse. It’s reminiscent of the early days in their relationship, before the drama and the uncertainty, when all they needed was to be together. “Thanks for bringing me Nate.”

He hums, his cheek pressing against the side of her head. “Thanks for wanting to be here.”

She can feel that his words have a much deeper meaning behind them, though she chooses to take them at face value. It's clear they’re going to continue to dance around the obvious, even if it’s rehashing something they’d already settled on. It’s just for the weekend; there’s no realistic way it could be more and they can’t put that kind of pressure on each other. But even though all of this is true, it doesn’t change the way being with him makes her feel. It doesn’t take the warmth out of his smile, or the fondness from his eyes. So maybe she is breaking her own heart here, but what other choice does she have?

***

She and Nate spend much of their day wandering through the small fishing village. They stroll down the boardwalk, through small boutiques and touristy souvenir shops. Nate happily walks through every single open door, stopping to sign an autograph or take a photo every now and then when they happen upon another person. He has no qualms about waiting for her to browse in the bookshop, instead spending his time posted up on a comfortable chair, petting the store cat with a smile on his face.

After a late lunch at the only restaurant in town, they get back on the road, headed for Cole Harbour. Conversation in the car is light and casual, both just catching the other up on life’s nuances they haven’t been privy to in years. It’s more than just work: it’s the song that made Nate cry because it reminded him of leaving for the US when he was just a child, it’s the countless seafood meals she’s turned down in her adult life because nothing can compare to the luxuries of home. The conversation never lulls, though it does veer significantly off course when they spot the ‘welcome to Cole Harbour’ sign approaching in the distance.

“Nate, pull over!” She insists. She’s digging through her bag, ignoring his request for an explanation. After a few seconds, she emerges victorious, holding up a black marker and a piece of paper. She smoothes it out as best she can on his dashboard, then unhooks her seatbelt. “Do you have any tape?”

“What do you need tape for?” Nate asks. He earns himself a pointed look, one that says ‘don’t ask questions’. He sighs, then flips open the center console. “I think I have some stick tape lying around…”

While he tracks that down, she gets to work writing, keeping her arm strategically placed so he can’t glance over her shoulder to sneak a peek. Just a few seconds later, he’s setting the tape down next to her hand and looking at her expectantly. “What are you doing?”

“You’ll see,” she grins. She picks up her sign and the tape, opens the door to his truck and hops down onto the road. It's not very busy, thankfully, but Nate is immediately concerned all the same.

He calls out her name, quickly following after her as she walks. “You can’t just get out of the car on a main road and walk away,” he insists, but she’s not listening to him. She’s still making her way forward, toward the welcome sign and the townline. Once she’s standing in front of it, he watches as she pulls up the tape, ripping it with her teeth. The piece of paper is held against the welcome sign, then secured with tape, and she steps back with a satisfied smile on her face. The writing doesn’t become clear until Nate is standing beside her, and once it does, he bursts into laughter.

Attached to the bottom of the sign, where it reads ‘Home of Sidney Crosby’, she’d taped up her own: “and Nathan MacKinnnon”.

“I’ll have to get a proper one commissioned, but I thought this would do for now,” she grins. As she locks eyes with Nate, she feels her heart start racing. He seems happy, but she doesn’t want to assume he’s not just saving face and she’s made him uncomfortable.

Wordlessly, he closes the space between them, gathering her into his arms. “You’re just- you’re so wonderful.” He doesn’t give her the time to respond, just leans in and kisses her, hard and long. It sets her world on end, she gasps for air when he pulls away.

“Nate-“

“You wanna come to my place?” He asks against her lips, eyes hooded. A brief nod is all that’s needed to get him moving, guiding her back to his truck and opening the door for her.

___

Her hands are trembling when they pull up to Nate’s house. Nate grins at her, taking her hand over the shifter once he parks. He brings it to his lips and kisses it softly. There’s an unspoken understanding in the air, tension hanging between them. “Hey,” he whispers, trying to catch her eye. “You alright?”

Her voice is so soft when she speaks that Nate almost misses it. “I’m nervous,” she admits. “It’s been such a long time and I really want this to be good for you-“

Nate cuts in, brow furrowed. “Look at me.” He waits until she draws her eyes up to continue. “It’s okay to be nervous. I’m a little nervous, but please, don’t feel like you have to do this.”

“I don’t. I mean, I do want to,” she interjects. “I just- what if it’s not… good?”

He actually snorts when he hears this. He’s under no impression they’ve lost that spark over the years. It’s always been good, and he knows it will continue to be. But the hesitance on her face is suggesting she’s not thinking the same way he is. “It’s going to be incredible,” he insists. “Just like it always was.”

“We were kids, Nate. I’m worried it won’t be.” She takes in a deep breath, shaking her head. “I’m worried I won’t be any good.”

He drops her hand, turning in his seat until he’s able to cup both of her cheeks. Then he draws her head up until she’s looking at him again. “You are the most beautiful woman I know, and you’ve been driving me crazy since the day I saw you in the grocery store. I know you’re going to blow my mind.” She hesitates for a moment, but then she’s nodding as best she can with the way he’s holding her. “If you’re not ready, we can wait.”

“No,” she says adamantly. “I’m done waiting.”

This is all the confirmation that Nate needs. He keeps his hands firmly planted on her cheeks and leans in, kissing her hungrily. He slides his tongue into her mouth, groaning when he feels her fingers crawl up to grip his hair tightly. She leans even closer to him, pressing her chest against his, letting him feel every inch of her torso. His eyes are half lidded when he breaks away, tongue flicking out to wet his lips.

Her eyes blink open, and Nate’s smiling softly at her. His eyes are soft, filled with longing, and her stomach is doing flips. It’s tenfold when he climbs out of the driver’s seat, coming around to take her hand and help her step down. He laces their fingers, leading her up the short pathway and in the front door. They shed their shoes and their cold weather gear there, tossing it unceremoniously toward the built in to the right. They’ll deal with the mess later.

“Do you need anything?” His voice is low, raspy, and she’s shaking her head immediately. She’s of a one track mind now, and it seems that Nate picks up on that. He takes the initiative to walk her up the stairs, straight to his bedroom.

“Can I touch you?” He whispers. He rests his hands on her waist, lingering at the hem of her soft t-shirt. When he sees her nod, it’s up and over her head in a hurry, exposing her smooth skin. Nate’s eyes greedily take in every inch of her chest, and she’s surprised she doesn’t feel the urge to cover herself.

She feels a surge of confidence shoot through her; the way Nate is looking at her fueling her ego. It makes her bold, and she pushes back on his shoulders until he’s stepping backwards, and eventually, falling onto the bed. Then, she climbs into his lap, her hair falling around them like a curtain when she leans down over him. “Are you just going to look?” She asks, and the challenge in her voice ignites something inside Nate.

Before she can blink, she finds herself on her back with Nate crawling over her. He reaches up and tugs off his shirt, smirking at her sharp intake of breath. He doesn’t take much time to gloat, choosing instead to draw her in for another kiss. His hands make quick work of her bra, tossing it across the room carelessly. His lips trail down her chest, mouthing at the supple flesh, and swirling his tongue around her nipples. He revels in the breathy sounds falling from her lips when he bares his teeth.

“Nathan, please touch me,” she whines. She wriggles underneath him, trying to draw him up, get his mouth back on hers.

“Patience, my girl,” he mumbles. He kisses the tip of her nose before he sits back, eyes taking in her form. Her hair is splayed out across the bed, cheeks flushed, and pupils blown wide. He slides his fingertips over the red marks he’d left on her breasts, dragging the rough pads down until they’re toying with the waistband of her pants. He glances up at her again, eyebrows lifted to check in, make sure this is still what she wants. He earns himself a frustrated groan and a “come on, Nate”, which he takes as the green light. He slides everything down in one move, leaving her completely bare to him. “God, look at you,” he breathes. He pushes her legs open wider to accommodate the bulk of his shoulders before he drops down onto his stomach. His eyes never leave hers as he leans in close, kissing up her thighs until he’s inches away from her throbbing center.

She tosses her head back, squeezing her eyes shut to try to regain control of herself. Her body is thrumming with anticipation, desperate for Nate to do anything. After a few seconds, she’s rewarded for her patience. Nate licks a long strip up from her entrance to her clit, chuckling against her when she gasps. Immediately, her hands fly to his hair, fingers gripping tightly. Nate flicks his tongue expertly against her before drawing her clit between his lips and sucking. She feels him ghosting his fingers over her lips, the soft tickle making her toes curl. She lets out a moan, and that’s all it takes to get Nate to dive in. He slips two fingers into her dripping entrance, scissoring against the tight suck of her walls.

“Nathan,” she pants, back arching. He’s nibbling on her clit as he seeks that spot inside of her, pumping his fingers in and out quickly. She cries out when he finds it, and Nate presses down hard, keeping his fingers firmly against it while she thrashes against the bed.

She’s sure her grip on his hair has to be painful at this point, but she’s too far gone to care. All she can focus on is the blinding pleasure Nate is giving her. She can feel that coil tightening inside of her, her body wound so tightly she’ll snap back at any given second. When he sucks on her again, she snaps, trapping his face between her legs as she comes, thighs tightening around his head.

Nate keeps his fingers working inside of her as she starts to come down, her breath slowing, though not entirely coming back to her. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand as he climbs up to his knees, grinning wickedly. “Such a good girl for me,” he coos.

She’s having a hard time replying to him. She can’t get a sentence out, moans tumbling past her lips whenever she opens her mouth. Nate is prolonging her orgasm, keeping her suspended up on cloud nine as he watches her, eyes hungry. “I’ve imagined this so many times,” he admits. “Over the years, when I’m on the road late at night. I love to picture you wrapped around me instead of my hand, squeezing me so tight. You feel so good around my fingers; I can’t even imagine how you’ll feel around my cock. Will you let me have you? Sink deep inside of you and fuck you open, my girl?”

She cries out again, nodding quickly. She grips his forearm tightly, eyes rolling back. “Please Nate,” she chokes out. “God, please, I need you.”

“You’ve got me,” he swears. He leans down and kisses her again, stealing the air from her lungs. He tugs his sweatpants down as best he can with one hand, sighing against her lips when his cock springs free.

Slowly, she draws her eyes up from his cock, enjoying the sight of his clenched stomach muscles, and the strain of his bent forearm. Everything about Nate is absolutely gorgeous. He’s just so big; so wide and cut, and god, he’s going to be the death of her. She grips his shoulders tightly, mouth going dry at the muscles her fingers trace over. She’s trying to commit every moment to memory, the soft pants falling from Nate lips, the way his eyes are nearly black with desire. It’s so different than it had been before, but somehow the same. They’ve both matured so much- confidence emanating off of them now, but that giddiness is still there. That schoolyard crush that makes your heart beat faster and your hands shake. Her head is swimming, with desire, and the disbelief that this is truly happening. That they’d found a way to have this happen again.

She whines when he draws his fingers out of her, the loss leaving her feeling empty, and she clenches around the air. “I’ve got you,” Nate promises her. He reaches over her head to the bedside table and comes back with a condom, tearing it open with his teeth before sliding it down his throbbing cock. Her fingers are still gripping his shoulders tightly, and there’s no way her nails aren’t biting into his skin but Nate doesn’t say a word. He just runs a soothing hand down her torso and grips her hips, holding her still as he lines himself up with her entrance. His eyes are locked with hers as he presses forward, the blunt head of his cock drawing a gasp when he slips inside. He’s so wide; her walls are already straining to accommodate him, the burn of the stretch making her heart pound. Nate takes his time pressing into her, letting her accommodate for his size. As he pushes in, he’s whispering soft reassurances to her, telling her how beautiful she is, and how good she feels.

He grips her waist tightly when he’s fully sheathed, his big hands wrapping around her. “Okay?” He whispers. She can see the strain of holding back on his face, the need to make sure she’s alright before he can let himself go and enjoy this.

“Perfect,” she assures. “Please, Nate.”

He sucks in a deep breath and nods. Slowly, he draws his hips back before snapping himself forward, burying himself even deeper. She’s impossibly tight and wet around him, drawing him in and clinging to him. It doesn’t take long for him to build up a steady rhythm and when he does, he feels like a man possessed. He’s holding her down against the bed, watching as her breasts bounce and her mouth falls open in pleasure. He feels her drag her nails down his back and he groans, driving into her even harder. The force of his hips is pushing her up the bed, leaving her breathless and begging for him.

“I’m so close,” she pants. “Please Nate, touch me.” Her eyes are shining when she looks up at him. He obliges, sliding his right hand down to press his fingers to her clit. Within seconds, she’s coming around him, clamping down on him as she cries out his name. Nate fucks her straight through it, his hips slapping against her ass as he chases his own release.

He kisses her desperately when he feels his body tightening. When her tongue sweeps against his, he’s gone. He drives in and holds himself there as he comes, a grunt falling from his lips. When he’s able to come back into himself, he reaches down, holding onto the condom as he slowly pulls out. He kisses her cheek in apology when she winces, tying the condom off and tossing it into the trash just after. He runs a hand down his face, trying to steady his breathing before he stands. He grabs the first hand towel he can find in the on suite bathroom, running it under the tap and bringing it back into her bedroom wordlessly.

She’s still spread out on the bed where he’d left her, her arm thrown up over her eyes as her chest heaves. He drags the towel between her legs, cleaning her up carefully, before the towel too gets tossed to the floor. “You doing okay?” He whispers. He drops down onto the bed beside her, manhandling her body until she’s lying on her side, facing him.

“Wonderful,” she says, and that’s the understatement of the century. “Was, was I okay?”

Nate’s eyes go wide, and he’s nodding immediately. “That was unbelievable. God, the way you feel-” He cuts himself off, dropping his head onto a pillow dramatically. “It’s amazing how good we still are together.” She peers up at him, sees his eyes closed and the small, happy smile on his face. It makes her heart twist in her chest, her throat tightening. Realization hits her like a bucket of ice water thrown over her head. None of this is real. He’s not her Nate anymore, and damn it, how is she going to walk away from this?

“I can hear the gears whizzing around in there,” he teases. “Tell me what you’re thinking?”

She hesitates, debates deflecting- telling him it’s nothing and avoiding the discussion she knows they should have. They’re adults now, this is the kind of thing they need to discuss, but she’s scared. “Nate,” she sighs, feels tears brimming in her eyes. “I don’t know. I just-“

“You told me you wouldn’t break my heart.” His voice is low. It isn’t accusatory, it’s just sad, like a punch straight to the stomach. She opens her mouth to reply, but nothing comes out. Hot tears leak out of the corners of her eyes, pooling on the pillow case.

“It’s feeling pretty broken right now.”

This has her swallowing hard, gathering her courage. “I don’t want to.” It’s barely a whisper. “But I don’t think there’s another choice.”

“Of course there is,” he assures her. “There’s always another choice.”

“Not when it leads right back where we broke in the first place.”

“Don’t think about that. Tell me what you want.”

“It doesn’t matter-“

“It does matter,” Nate insists. “What the hell are we doing in this life if we’re not trying to find happiness?” His eyes search her face, drinking in every feature. “What would make you happy?”

She doesn’t hesitate. “You. But-“

He shakes his head slowly. “Nope. No buts. I would make you happy?”

“Yes.”

“Thank god,” he breathes. “Because I’m not letting you go again.”

“It’s not that easy,” she says. “There’s too many variables, and it will lead us right back where we started.”

“It’ll be different this time.”

She sighs. “How can you know that?”

Nate reaches a tentative hand out, wiping the tears from her cheeks with the pad of his thumb. “Because we know better. We can make better choices together. I know you don’t want to be a WAG, and I’m not going to put that on you. If you want to stay in Florida, okay. If you want to move to Denver, okay. If you want to move back to Canada, that’s okay too. We’ll make whatever you decide work. I just want you.”

“You… you want that?”

“If it involves you, I want it.” He’s so adamant, speaking with such conviction she can’t entertain any other thought. She scoots closer to him on the bed, molding herself against his chest and resting her head on his shoulder.

“I really want this to work, Nate,” she says. “I really, really want that.”

He drops a kiss to her forehead. “Sweetheart, I told you, I’m not letting you go again. I mean it.”

#nathan mackinnon #nathan mackinnon imagine #hockey imagine #hockey rpf #nhl imagine #my writing #shutupptara writes #Nathan mackinnon X reader #tis the damn season #shut up tara

[absolutebl]

2022 BL Wrap Up - All The Shows I Watched... rated

I’m not going to talk about everything BL that I watched in 2022, that would be the longest post ever. But still, this is a really long post. Sorry, not sorry. Everything I watched got a pithy little review. 

2022 BL - Watched & Rated

This includes any show that ended in 2022, including those that started in 2021. Alphabetical-ish order.

21 Days Theory (Thailand YT ) 6/10 

Tropes: high school, cheating, secret crush, high angst

Initially I REALLY loved this little show. It reminded me of Blueming + Make it Right (never forget I’m the world’s foremost Make It Right apologist, and the lead even looks a little like Fuse). Why did I like it? 1. GAY UNCLE character giving GREAT advice!. 2. Boys in blue shorts are back! 3. Seme is already pining, uke is tsundere but with reason and conflict is set up and executed well as a result. 4. lots of linguistic discussion and flirting (they made the linguistically fascinating couples post). Everything about this show is in my wheelhouse and this would have jumped high in my rating (even at this length) if they had bothered to finish it like the YA romance it clearly was. But the ending was disappointing. I’m not mad about it, but I’m not happy either.

WORTH WATCHING BUT FLAWED

The 8.2 Second Rule (Japan YouTube) 6/10

AKA 8.2 Byo no Hosoku

Tropes: secret admirer, food in love, soulmates

Very short BL about a schoolboy who makes magic candy for a series of handsome classmates, questing for a soulmate. Each ep is a new love interest and while the sweets help others, they keep failing to bring him love. Of course h's overlooking someone. The lead was very good and the theme, cooking, and eventually romance were charming, but it is a series of BL vignettes not really a cohesive story, no kisses or anything. Japan doesn’t give us sweet BL this short very often, so it was nice to see them try out the style.

WORTH WATCHING BUT FLAWED 

A Man Who Defies the World of BL 2 (Japan Viki) unrated

I consider this show a documockary, not really a BL. As with the first installment I loved it beyond reasons, I tagged the second season review onto the first. Review here.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

About Youth (Taiwan GaGa) 8/10

It’s truly lovely little coming of age high school BL with classic YA low drama but high angst, I didn’t even mind the singing, and that’s saying a lot. It featured Taiwan's modern take on AePete: popular but painfully lonely rich kid, Guang (complete with evil pressure-cooker tiger parents) meets and is basically adopted by poor nerdy (secret rockstar) Qizhang. HE EVEN HAS AE’S TOTE!!! Side dishes are Guang’s adorable bestie, Ray, and even more adorable (also a rockstar) Jian. Lots of BL tropes but also this is quite queer and very Taiwan with an earnestness depth I haven’t seen since My Ride an almost real world authenticity. Not that I normally like that in my BL, but I’ll forgive Taiwan (and the Philippines) for their sticky almost dirty style if it is this endearing and engaging (see also Gameboys). I wish it had been given a bit more room to breathe, but all in all a great edition to the Taiwanese BL lexicon which was in dire need of just this kind of content. Full review. 

RECOMMENDED 

Ai Long Nhai (Thailand iQIYI) 6/10

Tropes: messy gay, trial relationship, friends to lovers

Look this show was just a typical Thai BL university pulp about a confident gay and a clueless manic pixie dream boy, that had potential, chemistry, and earnestness going for it, but no plot and not enough side dishes. In the end it was boring and you know I always rate boring lower than hot messes. Still it’s better than your average Thai BL, nothing happens but at least the nothing mostly shirtless, the gay dads are the BEST, and that’s about all I can say for it.

WORTH WATCHING BUT FLAWED 

Bad Buddy (Thailand YouTube) 9/10

Tropes: secret lovers, Romeo & Romeo, sunshine/tsundere, enemies-to-friends-to-lovers, GL side plot

GMMTV’s flagship BL started 2022 on a BANG (okay no actual banging but you know what I mean), starring heavy hitters Ohm & Nanon in a pitch perfect university Romeo & Juliet masterpiece that will give you domesticity meets pain whiplash throughout and jet lag at the end. Great production values, killer acting, and some conscious effort to correct for half a decade of Thai BL’s anti-queer mistakes. GMMTV, we forgive you. More. Live blog of this one is here. Full review here.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

Behind Cut (Korea, Jan Viki) 8/10

Tropes: grown up problems, finding your dreams, friends to lovers

Better than average chemistry (for KBL) and a unique setting almost pulled this show into the realm of something quite special but it never quite managed to get away from the pacing and story structure issues endemic to KBL’s limited time frame and scope. Still It gets the job done. Full review here.

RECOMMENDED

Big Dragon (Thailand Gaga) 7/10 

Tropes: player love-rivals/enemies to lovers, rich/poor

This is a decent execution of true enemies to lovers, these two spy on and bully each other, exploring darker themes. The way the leads transition between anger, resentment, titillation, and flirting (and the way, with kinksters, this can all be the same thing) is really well done. This BL pairing proved itself to be a lot more sophisticated than I expected with nods at kink in a more respectful way than Mame could ever dream, plus excellent chemistry, but something was askew around plot, directing, and ending. 

RECOMMENDED FOR THE LEAD PAIR, BUT NOT MUCH ELSE 

Blue of Winter AKA Judo Boys (Korea YouTube) 3/10

Tropes: Bad boy/good boy, mad crush, reunion romance

OMG, is that..? Did Korea give us… a pulp? I do believe they did! The sound quality was poor, lighting sub par, even the filming and staging wasn’t on point (for Korea). Sadly none of that was the problem, this could have actually been good, the cast was excellent, but instead it was just really... odd. Focused on the wrong couple in the triangle and spent too much time on some elements and not enough on... ya know PLOT. Not terrible but not good either. in the end I didn’t know what I watched and neither did it.

NOT RECOMMENDED

Bleuming (Korea iQIYI) 9/10

Tropes: enemies to lovers (sort of), coming of age, self worth and self acceptance, lonely prince, sunshine/tsundere

It’s a tiny bit dark and a tiny bit bittersweet, almost too honest to a university experience and first love for BL. I wasn’t into it at first, but both leads turn in solid performances and by ep 5 it got good, becoming a narrative about self discovery, as well as understanding and accepting others people’s flaws without hurting them. Ultimately, we witnessed two characters maturing because of each other and their mutual affection while that affection was never itself the conflict point. Instead, tension was built around other aspects of identity, popularity, and self-worth. While production values were a touch lower than usual, Blueming included decent kisses and other forms of intimacy and a satisfying ending (all rare for Korea) plus there’s judicious and very elegant use of tropes, (which is expected). Full review here.

ABSOLUTELY RECOMMENDED

Check Out (Thailand iQIYI) 4/10 

Tropes: office, second chance, high heat

Special episode 0 (prequel) filmed in 2021 was the only good thing about this show. Characters lacked motivation, there was no story, the leads were a fine pair but the sex scenes managed to be both good and boring. I nearly DNFed. Ugh. 

FATALLY FLAWED

Choco Milk Shake (Korea Strongberry YT) 8/10 

Tropes: reincarnation, fated mates, paranormal elements

Choco Milk Shake (Korea YouTube) Stongberry gave us a full length BL on YouTube! It’s a BL miracle and an endless delight. It was wonderfully cute, unexpectedly hilarious but expectedly silly, a little too poignant, occasionally gut wrenching and with a somewhat expected weird (but happy-ish) ending. The actors playing the two pets must have had the best time. As, indeed, did I watching it. Jealous Milk made me cackle so hard it scared the actual cat on my lap, Choco was perfectly cast, and the chemistry was ultimately decent. In Strongberry I still trust. Thank you thank you, may we have another, sirs?

RECOMMENDED 

Cherry Blossoms After Winter (Korea Viki) 9/10

Tropes: High school to college, cohabitation, stepbrothers, popular boy/nerd (shy, loner, bullied), orphan protag

Korea took on early Japanese sweet yaoi but gave it their signature softness and precise production style with a STUNNING color palette (beautiful pastels, sun-saturated over-exposure), manga framing style, some traditional BL character archetypes, that tiny edge of bullying roughness and out-of-control seme, plus FINALLY a palatable take on the stepbrothers trope and it was, in a word, classic. Sophisticated and understated CBAW is not slow, it’s just subtle. It's dream-like and atmospheric, as if the whole thing took place under cold water on a warm spring day. Is there plot or peril? Not really. Do we care? Also, not really. Look, I can’t help it, I’m old school and so is this show. I grew up reading sweet yaoi, and this was THAT YAOI just on my screen. There’s no objectivity with me and CBAW. It’s a beautiful pastiche and I loved it for how it made me feel and what it reminded me of. It’s not flawless, but it is a wonderful experience. Full review here.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

Cherry Magic the movie (Japan grey) 8/10 

AKA Cherry Magic! Thirty Years of Virginity Can Make You a Wizard?!: The Movie AKA 30-sai made Dotei Da to Mahotsukai ni Nareru rashii 

Tropes: LTR, cohabitation, self acceptance, coming out

I liked it, not as much as the original, it lacked the humor. Again no kissing, these actors must be expensive, but some nice domesticity. Still with Thailand bringing the higher heat with such consummate casualness these days (licking ass and taking names) there really isn’t much of an excuse anymore for no kisses, it felt a little phoned in. Even Korea has buckled, come on Japan, grow up. 

RECOMMENDED 

Close Friend 2 (Thailand Viki) 6/10

Tropes: LTR, adult problems, the closet, coming out

It’s basically dealing with two kinds of closet: the one imposed on us, and the one we impose on ourselves. Honestly Pierce and Phoon are very mature characters for a BL couple - the kind of relationship that only OhmFluke could really portray, and they do it very well. That’s almost the problem - it is too well done and thus discomforting. if you don’t like realism in your BL avoid this show. I liked the celebrityhood vs fandom storyline, although I thought it was too generous to those fans. Both pairs did well but I wasn’t wowed by story or content, over all a bit dull.

WORTH WATCHING BUT FLAWED

Coffee Melody (Thailand Viki) 5/10 

Tropes: cafe setting, food is love, sing your feelings

Stars Pavel (my love) as a cafe owner (Forth in 2moons2) and Benz as a composer (Call it What You Want). This should have been my kind of BL - on the fluffy end of the spectrum plus honestly queer. Unfortunately, the slow pacing, manufactured angst, odd secondary story arcs, and a selfishly immature unlikeable wet dishcloth main character, Yi, meant its flaws outweighed its charm. Jean (flame on snark fairy) is MINE, I love him so much but in the end neither he nor Pavel in an apron could save it for me. It’s not bad. It’s not good either, tho. Ultimately so forgettable I’ve probably already forgotten it. 

JUST DULL

Color Rush 2 (Korea Viki) 7/10

Tropes: crush, friends to (almost) lovers, paranormal, suspense, murder investigation

In this second installment the plot revolves around Yeon Woo searching for his mother (and, sort of, his probe) joined by Se Hyun, whose sister is involved. We’re right back in gay allegory territory only this time the question is: Can you miss something you never had? Especially when it has to do with your own identity? Also, has Sehyun switched his (supposedly) natural inclination towards obsession onto Yeonwoo? I liked it. I liked Hyuk a lot more than I was expecting too. Like the prior installment, Color Rush 2 was stylish and clever (although not quite as clever). Honestly, in the end, I don’t know what to say about Color Rush 2. Does it work as the second installment of a trilogy? Absolutely. Does it work as the final installment of a duology. Absolutely NOT. Full review here.

RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS

Cupid’s Last Wish (Thailand YouTube) 6/10

Tropes: pining/tsundere, bodyswap, quest, road trip

Win is such an incredibly unlikeable character I really struggled with this show, no skin off Mix’s acting, but holy fucking irredeemable tsundere. Also I really do not like body-swap. The final ep tried (and for some it may have been successful) but combine this with bodyswap (my least favorite trope) and even EarthMix’s chemistry (which has improved since Thousand Stars) didn’t save it.

WORTH WATCHING FOR SOME, BUT FLAWED

Cutie Pie (Thailand YouTube) 8/10

Tropes: arranged marriage, age gap, secret identity, cohabitation, rich kid problems, he’s in engineering

Very high production and a lot of visual references to live action yaoi gave this show a whiff of Japan but ultimately it stayed firmly in Thailand’s BL camp veering from absurd to appealing to annoying and then back to absurd again. If you can roll with the arranged marriage conceit and very lifestyle D/s relationships, the chemistry is spot on even if the plot is naff and sappy and driven by miscommunication. Watch this one for the pretty, give it a pass on depth. Full review here.

RECOMMENDED

Dear Doctor, I'm Coming For Soul (Thailand YouTube) 7/10

Tropes: PNR, grim reaper, enemies to lovers

This is a romance between a doctor trying to save his patients and a reaper who is both his enemy and (eventually) lover. Basically it’s the genius premise of a gay Doom at Your Service. High concept looks good on you, Thailand. I enjoyed it more than it’s ending deserved, and the best I can say is that it’s not strictly HEA but if you’re okay with Life: Love on the Line, you’ll probubly be okay with this BL.

RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS

DNA Says Love You (Taiwan GaGa) 8/10

Tropes: secret identity, reunion romance, queer family, bisexual awakening, sunshine/broken, healing, quest

While this is one of those series (ostensibly) carried by the sunshine seme character (Taiwan is always weak in seme/uke) and he does a stand-up job, Erek Lin, who plays the love interest, Amber, is luminous. I found the twist entirely predictable, but knowing what would happen didn't spoil this show for me, in fact I think I sympathized more with Amber and understood his behavior better, because I knew. The exact way it’s handled (medically speaking) is a little disingenuous to a queer narrative (AKA they could have just GONE there) but I didn’t mind, because all the characters around Amber act with such integrity. Since this is a queer story arc that other shows have systemically mishandled and made depressing, DNA deserves extra marks for its uniquely upbeat approach. It’s full of queer found family representation and an unexpected amount of domesticity, plus it’s Taiwan, so the kisses are great. The last few eps really are special and life/love affirming - and the ending is big-grin charming. Full review here.

VERY MUCH RECOMMENDED

Gen Y 2 (Thailand grey) 5/10  

Tropes: this is an insane soap opera

Exactly as chaotically messy as expected, possibly worse, as the four main couples apparently each decided they were acting in a different kind of BL. While I do believe that the world demands the excess Star Hunter provides, it is utterly exhausting to watch. No full review because I live blogged this one here.

WATCH IT ONLY IF YOU NOTHING BETTER TO DO

Ghost Host, Ghost House (Thailand YouTube) 7/10 

Tropes: my ghost boyfriend, PNR, domesticity

This is a light horror plus family drama built around a well executed BL trough-line that felt honestly queer with fantastic chemistry from the lead pair. (I hope that we see more of them.) Pluem delivers the softest most seductive krap ever and watching them flirt over noodles is an unalloyed pleasure. Use of I/you pronouns is super interesting and cute. For me personally the surrounding cast, premise, and story didn’t resonate but if you like a touch of gothic in your BL this might appeal.

RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS 

The Eclipse (Thailand YouTube) 8/10 

Tropes: sinister boarding school, haze the one you love, suspense, high school setting, coming of age  

GMMTV does gay Blacklist with a good boy/bad boy pairing. Starred First & Khaotung plus the side dish pair from FUTS NeoLouis. This is a good show but the cast was excellent and the leads were absolutely flawless. They gave us a nuanced and multifaceted burgeoning relationship: philosophical (and socio-political) conflict contrasted to moments of empathy; flirtation contrasted to moments of genuine affection. This narrative is less about love than it is about courage and tenderness. However, near the end the pacing was off and the plot frustrating. Still, this is an enjoyable watch, with an ending that features verbal consent and a funny blooper reel. 

RECOMMENDED 

Enchanté (Thailand YouTube) 7/10

Tropes: childhood sweethearts, sunshine/tsundere, secret admirer with a touch of Cyrano de Bergerac and dose of Boys Over Flowers.

Theo returns from France and starts a written flirtation inside a library book (!) at his new uni with the mysterious Enchante. When he and his best friend Akk hunt for Enchante’s real identity, 4 senior boys step forward - all intersted in dating Theo, all with ulterior motives. Can’t fault the chemistry or the classic old school Thai uni BL and Akk (Force) was particularly sympathetic. But the twist over Enchantie’s identity felt disingenuous, manipulative, and unnecessary and the whole narrative was flawed as a result, Theo became unlikeable and irredeemable. GMMTV seems to specialize in squandering great chemistry on shoddy scripts. Honestly it probubly should get an 8/10 by my rating system but I was so disappointed I’m giving it a 7/10 and not bothering to write a full review. Live blog ep-by-ep recap here.

RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS

Eternal Yesterday AKA Eien no Kino (Japan Gaga) 2/10

Tropes: my ghost boyfriend, paranormal, kill the gay, dark 

Smart boy in love with zombie incubus, keeps him alive with sex. This prevailing wistfulness between our leads about the future that they know they will never get to have. The way Michan is constantly listening and feeling for his Koichi’s heartbeat for a reassurance that is never going to come.Japan, king of thirst, gives us both that and PAIN: these 2 are drowning in yearning and loss. Careful with this one - you break it, you bought it, and it'll break you... wide open just to see what color your guts are. After watching, you too might be walking around alone, forgotten, and wondering why no one understands your loss. Not only does it not end happily, it ends hopelessly. 

NOT RECOMMENDED (for newer BL fans) 

Even Sun (Thailand iQIYI) 5/10

Tropes: vacation romance, enemies to lovers, sunshine/tsundere

The language is fun in this one (they also use chan/nai so I’m guessing it’s and organized crime thing), the cast is excellent, the boxers mildly interesting and BounPrem’s chemistry is unmatched, but... I still disliked it. It was unequivocally boring.

WATCH ONLY IF YOU’VE NOTHING BETTER TO DO

First Love Again (Korea Viki) 7/10

Tropes: fated mates, bodyswap

A popular novelist who remembers his past lives meets his soulmate who has been reincarnated in the body of a man. This one started out a touch mean spirited, but it pulled itself together and we even got a good kiss (for a KBL). Then they went from like to love to boyfriends in a red hot minute. The confession/rejection scene was justified and the reconciliation and ending was... fine. All in all the pacing felt rushed, and the romantic arc was underdeveloped, but that’s par for the course with Korea’s short form. If you don’t mind a heavy does of melodrama in your BL this one has a solid story with a strong concept that’s well acted and produced, making it a classic KBL with better than average chemistry but ultimately a touch forgettable. (Full review here.)

RECOMMENDED WITH A FEW RESERVATIONS

Fukou-kun wa Kiss Suru Shikanai! (Japan Viki & GaGa) 8/10

AKA Mr. Unlucky Has No Choice but to Kiss! AKA Mr Unlucky Can Only kiss

Tropes: opposites attract, accidental relationship, cohabitation  

Mr Chronically Unlucky (another adorable chaos muffin) and Mr Always Lucky end up dating after they meet at uni orientation. It’s JAPAN yet they kissed in the first episode. What freaky alt-reality did I enter into? That’s all they kiss tho, over which I was a touch disappointed (I know). Still I spent far too much of my time with this show biting my knuckles and squealing “THEY’RE SO CUTE!” Amusing story: I paused mid the most tooth-achingly adorable first date in the entire universe and Viki was like “something missing?” and I was like “MY HEART YOU BASTARDS” It is very slapstick Japanese style comedic (light) BL reminds me a bit of Kieta Hatsukoi or Cherry Magic. So if you like that style of BL you’ll adore this show.

RECOMMENDED

Happy Ending Romance (Korea Gaga) 8/10

Tropes: office romance, identity theft, cohabitation 

As a BL it kinda isn’t (sorry to say). There’s no tropes dropped and no real romance narrative beats. This is about dishonesty and pride and there is an elegance to the theme. Which is essentially the idea that possession is not love, and therefore, those who love the Writer have to prove their love by letting him go. Honestly, I’m not sure how to rate this show as a result. This is a blog about BL and this wasn’t that. Full review. 

RECOMMENDED (but not if romance is what you’re primarily after) 

Hard Love Mission (Thailand WeTV) 3/10

Tropes: office romance, spoiled celebrity, 

Phenomenally dull Thai pulp about a journalist sent to interview a celebrity who ends up his manager, only 4 episodes and it still could’ve been shorter. It’s a bummer, the concept wasn’t bad. ALSO Chinese censorship got its gross mitts all over it (thank you, Tencent). Do not waste your time.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I’M WATCHING AND NEITHER DOES IT 

In Your Heart (Mainland China GaGa) 2/10

Tropes: friends to lovers, codependency, amorphous ending

It’s very mainland China BL, which makes me feel a bit like we are back in 2016 being tormented by nostalgia. It hasn’t a single modern sensibility in it (to be fair neither does China’s het stuff). Which I don’t mind, but it felt off? Messy? Sideways? I was surprised that there was some high heat, but I wasn’t surprised that the couple ended up separated. And yet... If you expect to be disappointed, can you still be disappointed?

NOT RECOMMENDED

Kabe Koji (Japan Viki) 7/10 

Tropes: celebrity romance, sunshine/tsundere 

Basically this is A Man Who Defies the World of BL + Senpai This Can’t be Love (as @heretherebedork said) and equally painfully EXTRA. Nakao Masaki playing a sunshine bouncy himbo character is a fucking revelation, I didn’t think he had it in him. This should’ve been my favorite BL of all time (IT’S AN IDOL LOVE INTEREST!), but the tsundere is too tsundere for me, I really hate the stalker photograph thing it’s apparently a trigger I didn’t know I had until BL tried to romanticize it. I kept feeling like there were the bones of good story in this drama, and I got glimpses of it, but then it’s covered again - like tasty steak smothered in Kewpie mayo. 

RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS 

Kimi no Koto Dake Mite Itai (Japan grey) 7/10 

AKA I Only Want to Keep Looking at You

Tropes: friends to lovers, coming of age, high school setting, introvert/extrovert

This is a beautiful piece of cinema well acted, about two boys who are opposite personalities and grew up together. Gifted and serious Sakura (Kura Yuki from His the series) and outgoing eccentric manic pixie dream boy, Yuma. It is very pretty and this is the kind of atmospheric elegantly performed BL that only really comes from Japan (complete with dead fish kisses - what you though Korea invented them? oh no). I felt like I was “supposed to like it” more than I did, ultimately I was left feeling like I had seen it all before. So for me it was lovely but slightly unmemorable.

RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS

Kiss X Kiss X Kiss - Perfect Scandal (Japan Billibi) 7/10

SHORT 5-8 minutes sample pack micro-romances: 2 featured BL-ish setups. One with idols in a group together and a secret relationship (Idol Kiss) and another featuring a reluctant boss and flirty subordinate (A Sweet Kiss). Both were cute but mostly just, ya know, kissing. (Reminds me a bit of Korea’s early Triple Do You Want). The interesting thing about the idol one, is one of the leads is ALSO in a het installment. He gives great chemistry with both his partners. And I think he’s a good example of an actor being just, ya know, an actor about the physical part of a romance. Which I take about in terms of never assuming queerness based on performance, here.

RECOMMENDED (for what it is)

KinnPorsche (Thailand iQiYi) 7/10

Tropes: bodyguard, mafia, cohabitation, BDSM, he’s a monster but he’s my monster

VegasPete were in one drama; KimChay were in another; KinnPorsche were in each of those randomly but then sometimes in their own extremely slapstick cheese-fest alt-reality + Tankhun. There were clearly 2 directors with 2 distinct and conflicting points of view, who apparently never had a single conversation with each other. Was this show good? Nope. Was it absorbing as fuck? Sure. Was it well acted, absolutely. Were the sex scenes great? Yes. We the fight scenes awesome? Actually yeah (special props to Jeff for the hand-to-hand stuff). Did I enjoy the kinky bits? Certainly. But all that said: the VegasPete universe of KP was the only universe I really enjoyed and would like to revisit, and I only got that 1/5 of the time. Mathematics is working against this one, for me personally. So I guess I, at least, am still waiting for the perfect mafia BL. I think it might be up to Japan at this juncture. As a result of fan fervor meets my own hearty indifference, I don’t really know how to judge this show but I have to go with my heart, and KP didn’t win it. No full review here on tumbr but I did post on to MDL.

RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS

Kissable Lips (Korea Viki) 2/10

Tropes: fated mates, paranormal, vampire, codified chase/stalker/ seme

Vampire has to decide between killing the boy he loves or living longer himself. Perfectly cast with a sexy, deadly, tortured vampire and the sweet uke prey who managed to be soft and appealing without being weak or inactive (props to the actor). Better kisses than your average KBL did not mitigate the fact that they killed 1/2 of the couple. Ultimately, one of my most disappointing BLs of 2022. Full review here.

NOT RECOMMENDED

La Cuisine (Thailand GaGa) 7/10

Tropes: crush, campus star, bully trigger, best boys, soft & sweet,

A sweet and kind of pure show, and like Thai desserts perhaps requires too much patience for a layperson. Because of the pacing and the focus on the bad girl character, I did dock it. But if you like stuff in the Oxygen vein, then this show is for you, and far better than most Thai BL pulps. That said, I suspect that I enjoyed it more than many would. Full review here.

RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS

Love Area 2 (Thailand GaGa) 3/10

Tropes: I don’t know and neither does it

Look, it wasn't as bas as Bite Me, but it wasn’t actually good, either. This started out as Thailand tackles love triangles pulp style, but by season two lockdown had changed everything. Valen & Kaitoon dropped some great kisses but traded off crazy hair and makeup in a scene-by-scene whiplash that was clearly pickups done months after initial filming, and the second lead just... vanished. It was surreal. Side dishes jumped up screen time but tackled mental health... badly. A fantastic new queer side character was randomly introduced, June, who was the best thing to happen to BL linguistics in 2022 but had nothing to do with the rest of the cast, show, or plot. What a mess. Yes tehre was some very good chemistry and June is a GREAT queer character... BUT...  In the end, I was just confused af. Full review here.

NOT RECOMMENDED

Love Class (Korea GaGa) 8/10

Tropes: university BL, forced proximity, unrequited love, crush, slight love triangle, triggers (outing, bashing, stalking)

This was a fast-moving, bloated, complicated little show with stronger than usual story structure, well-acted if lacking in chemistry, that managed to be very appealing and engaging despite itself. What it lacked in content it more than made up for in pacing. Both bingable and rewatchable.

RECOMMENDED

Love in Spring (Korea grey) 3/10

AKA Spring of Crush

Tropes: historical, soap opera, fake identity, hidden secrets, cross dressing

This drama was all over the place with uneven acting, narrative, and focus (sometimes it wanted to be a slapstick comedy, sometimes a depressing drama) which meant no one, actors or viewers, took anyone or anything seriously.... AND it’s a bromance. I was left wondering is SalHyung is now code for “they were roommates” in Kdrama historicals but otherwise largely apathetic and unimpressed. Korea, we now know you can do better. Watch Tinted With You or Nobleman Ryu’s Wedding instead. Full review here.

NOT RECOMMENDED, NOT BL

Love in the Air (Thai iQIYI) 7/10

Tropes: enemies to lovers, too stupid to live, stalker/obsession, university setting, grumpy/tsundere, sunshine/tsundere, abuse triggers

What’s it like? Two stories of aggressive player dudes pursuing innocent younger boys. Terrible. Also entertaining and engaging and kinda hot. Like all good dumpster fires. Recommended only if you know you like this kind of thing. Look, you remember in high school drama class where they make you “envision a basket, and put all of your worry, bad mood, and anxiety into that basket, and leave it outside the door”? Well, in order to enjoy this show, you have to do that, only with your morals. Some people have bigger baskets than others. Mame’s creature whipped me into a verbal frenzy, resulting in yet another trash watch. 

RECOMMENDED WITH A LARGE BASKET OF RESERVATIONS 

Love Mechanics (Thailand WeTV) 6/10 

Tropes: messy disaster bi, out gay boy, cheating, drama llamas

My favorite messy cheeky drama-llama boys were back in spades. And initially I enjoyed it more than I should and more than it deserved. This whole series is basically a diatribe against cheating, with the sweet out gay boy reaping all the punishment a disaster bi can enact. YinWar are geniuses at chemistry and good actors, and their new high heat stuff is excellent, but the story was not improved by being given more time to hang itself. Full review on MDL. 

WORTH WATCHING FOR THE ACTING BUT SERIOUSLY FLAWED

Love Stage (Thailand Feb-March YouTube) 8/10

Tropes: childhood crush, sunshine/tsundere, unrequited love, secret identity

This BL surprised me with its charm. The acting was good, the leads were appealing, support cast on point, and the production values high. It followed the original manga story arc relatively closely: boy falls in love with girl as a child, grows up to discover girl is actually a very pretty boy. Although there are some quintessentially Thai changes that mellowed, softened, and extended the romance arc. One of the things I’ve always appreciated about this story is that the climax is about coming out as a celebrity couple as well as gay. I like the examination of the nature of celebrity versus privacy, and the contrasting kinds of closets. And I love that they depicted two couples with two different versions of this choice. A solid and enjoyable show. Full review here.

RECOMMENDED

Meow Ears Up (Thailand GaGa) 4/10

Tropes: PNR, catboy, broken characters, hurt/comfort

Adapted from the Korean manhwa Hey, Your Ears Popped Out. This is interesting, Thailand doesn’t adapt from outside their own y-novel tradition very often. This is a pretty classic version of catboy trope: a lonely orphan comic artist adopts a stray cat who suddenly turns into a human teaches him about love, chaos, and family. SO CUTE it hurts and I got very “indulgent daddy” vibes from Mr. DD, which I’m not mad about it. There’s surprising depth to this very weird little show. It’s touching and relatable, but I guess it was trying to be too Japanese/Korean about it while the set up was all sweetness and Thai style, because they fudged the ending. For me, that’s a fatal flaw. Full review here.

NOT RECOMMENDED

Minato’s Laundromat (Japan GaGa) 9/10

AKA Minato’s Coin Laundry AKA Minato Shoji Koinrandori AKA Minato Shoji Coin Laundry AKA Wash My Heart

Tropes: age gap, pining since childhood, 

A high school student pursues the man of his dreams who happens to run a laundromat in this classic age gap BL. Minato’s Laundromat is so steeped in yaoi tropes and archetypes, not to mention a typical romance arc, that it will be and overload for some fans, but those of who follow this genre for its DNA will adore it. It made me very happy because it did everything I want a BL to do, and there’s not much more I ask of a show than this. It’s the closest Japan has come to perfect live action yaoi since Seven Days. Squee watch along (in lieu of a full review).

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED 

Mr Cinderella (Vietnam YouTube) 8/10

Tropes: forced proximity, cohabitation, childhood sweethearts, opposites attract, good boy/bad boy, domesticity

Higher than normal production values plus experienced BL actors plus two charismatic smoldering leads with good kissing and comfortable body language make this Vietnam’s objectively best BL to date. Plus we got a fabulously (and quintessentially Vietnamese) domestic ending. Full review here.

RECOMMENDED

My Only 12% (Thailand iQIYI) 8/10  

Tropes: friends to lovers, childhood crush, out gay character, jock/nerd, cancer mom, side noona romance 

Neighbors and codependent childhood friends, Cake & Seeiw, have opposite personalities but may be falling in love. Familiar faces include Prem (Between Us) and Peak (Make it Right). This is a complex, nuanced, and well done little BL romance (tailor made for SantaEarth) about holding onto first love and childhood, but it’s buried under waffling family drama and formless side characters so that it took a lot of digging to get at. 

RECOMMENDED 

My Ride (Thailand GaGa) 9/10

Tropes: sunshine/softie, friends-to-lovers, crush, bisexual identity, out gay, rich/poor

BL grew up with this pulp - a truly lovely and special little show featuring the extremely rare pairing of sunshine/sunshine AKA the cinnamon roll couple. Mature explorations of relationships using one of the softest, sweetest and most innocent friends to lovers vehicles. Kindly overworked doctor meets broken hearted dimpled motorcycle taxi driver in an “other side of the tracks” slow burn romance. With great friendship groups and family dynamics the support cast is excellent. With honest queer rep that adds to, but doesn’t impede the story, good friendship groups and genuine conversation about the nature of class, wealth, and classism, not to mention communication, honesty, and respect for boundaries, you can’t go wrong with this show. In other news, I am a sucker for a single dimple. 

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

My Secret Love the series (Thailand YouTube) 6/10 

Tropes: jock/nerd, enemies to lovers, friends to lovers, reunion romance, secret romance, LTR 

Lead couple had a tom/jerry vibe with the uke too stiff and serious and the seme a prankster immature arse - one of my least favorite dynamics (it always seems mean-spirited). They reminded me of My Boy (which I DNFd) X BonDuen from My Engineer (who I dislike). Other pairs include BearBomb, TimMai and ParkLee (LTR whom use ter with each other). The domesticity with the side couples was somewhat engaging, and the sex scenes were descent, but that’s it. The worst thing about this show (aside from leads chemistry) was that the chemistry of the friendship groups felt off too. Normally, Thailand can handle friendship groups fine. But these two different groups? I didn’t believe they were friends at all. Full review on MDL. 

NOT REALLY RECOMMENDED 

My Tooth Your Love (Taiwan Gaga & Viki) 8.5/10

Tropes: childhood trauma, phobias, doctor/patient, age gap

It’s not love in Taiwan if one of them doesn’t stumble into the other.

From the producers of We Best Love, earnest dentist hottie with sad eyes who worries too much is smitten with an adorable sunshine neurotic bar owner with serious anxiety issues, they fall in love while courting each other with food, plushies, and naps. Then, shocker, talk about their feelings and try to actually sort out their problems so they can have an adult relationship. Bonus 18 year old poor little rich kid in mad crush with a much older man. I really enjoyed this show, it had a fun premise, killer dialogue, there was a solis lead pair with charming chemistry, soft flirtation, and delightful smiling kisses and stinkingly cute domesticity. All that said, I wasn’t wild about some of the darker themes it explored (abuse, panic attacks, abandonment issues), even though it did a good job with them. And while the crumbs and sides were v adorable they were chronically underused. In the land of May/December, baby boy kabedon is my kryptonite! Why so little of them? Kabedon is My Krytonite = also the name of my indie band’s first single.) 

In other news: I identify WAY too much with the bartender daddy. He pretty much opens his mouth and says what I’m thinking 90% of the time. 

MUCH RECOMMENDED

Not Me (Thailand YouTube) 9/10  

Tropes: enemies to lovers, secret identity, identical twins, goodboy/bad boy

GMMTV gave us a dark disestablishment narrative (in a time of civil unrest) with established queer award-winning director Anucha and starring OffGun. THIS IS AN AMAZING THING to get to experience in the BL world - nerve racking but remarkable. But was it ACTUALLY BL? Not Me had a lot of BL elements, but in the end that’s not what the show was about, or even what it was genuinely trying to be. Still an amazing piece of Thai cinema certainly worth your time. Don’t worry, it all ends happily. Full review here. OffGun Eulogy here.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

Ocean Likes Me (Korea Viki) 8/10  

Tropes: opposites attract, grumpy/sunshine, impossible dreams

This is a solid little KBL, with a good premise and cast. Manic pixie dream boy can get old fast but when contrasted with awkward grumpy chef? Tasty combo that elevates both ingredients. Holland is a charming screen presence, baby boy is HYPNotiC. And while I wasn’t entirely sold on the chemistry with these two they gave us some very good kisses. I grinned through most episodes and I even didn’t mind the standard KBL 1 year separation at the end because it felt very true to the characters. Don’t worry they end up back together.

RECOMMENDED

Oh! Boarding House (Korea Viki) 8/10

Tropes: forced proximity, cohabitation, crush, love triangle

Spoiled rich kid in financial straights has to manage a boarding house full of quirky characters including: bratty cousin, wacko writer, adorable bestie with a crush, and the new hot jock (love interest). All in all, this show ended up being A LOT better than I expected. It was uneven in its attempt to reconcile early sitcom (slightly Thai) style with a serious love triangle and genuine romance but the quality of the performances and the kind and honest treatment of the characters make it definitely worth watching. (Full review here.)  

DEFINITELY RECOMMENDED, a lost gem esp for Kdrama fans 

Oh! My Assistant (Korea Viki) 7/1O

Tropes: grumpy/sunshine, himbo chaos bi, out gay 

This is a very silly show that acts like it comes from a very silly yaoi. Reserved out gay younger assistant (we stan) pretending to be tsundere but is actually just v shy and smitten by his cheerful (seemingly straight) chaos bi himbo artist boss. I think the cross cutting in of old footage with the replacement actor after the re-cast did affect the chemistry with this pair. There was no way around it. Even KBL isn't usually this awkward and repressed. Although this show had the best bisexual awakening sequence ever put in a BL, and I really wanted to love it, I just didn't. 

RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS

Oh My Sunshine Night (Thailand grey) 7/10

Tropes: university, sickness, fated mates, whipping boy, poor little rich boy, soap opera

Kim, a tsundere musician meets Sun, a transfer student with a weak heart. Also there’s his hot older brother + their household servant, and a couple of fencers for good measure. Initially this pretends to be a normal university, then it slips on wet tiles and falls right on trough multiple shower scenes into ludicrous soap opera territory leaving one with a sensation rather like trying to hold onto soap in a communal shower. Ultimately, everyone seems pretty happy they bent over, but no one actually got clean. 

RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS 

Old Fashion Cupcake (Japan Viki) 9/10

Tropes: office romance, age gap, employee/boss, food is the love language, coming of age late in life

This show had me from the moment they broke the egg yolk with the chopsticks in the opening credits for episode one. It’s about a younger man with a long cherished crush on his boss (ten years older and going through a mid life crisis) who decides to save and seduce said man with pancakes. It’s wholesome, comforting, sexy, and a very necessary narrative about still having hope, interests, and openness to affection at any age. It’s coming of age/queerness packaged in a subtle critique of expectations around masculinity and love and loneliness... and it’s beautiful. Full review here.

ABSOLUTELY RECOMMENDED

Once Again (Korea GaGa) 2/10

Tropes: age gap, childhood trauma, tragedy, time travel, inevitable fate 

JaeWoo lives with childhood trauma and gets a chance to travel to the past to fix it by saving JiHoon. But you can’t change fate. From Moving Picture (studio behind equally tragic Kissable Lips)) this one stars actors (not idols) including Moon Ji Young (also in The New Employee) and is very well performed with a great, but sad, actual PLOT. It was a little bit more creepy than romantic, kind of Gothic and tense, but also strangely amusing (this odd kid just keeps hugging JiHoon - that’s like 1000x weirder in Korea than most places) and more enjoyable than it had a right to be with a really interesting take on the childhood crush trope. Ultimately, however, it kills the gay and is very sad. 

NOT RECOMMENDED 

Our Days the series (Thailand GaGa) 4/10

Tropes: sports romance, messy gays be messy, cohabitation, crush, love triangle, tsundere

Enemies to lovers meets forced proximity (boarding house) in which I couldn’t decide if the unlikable main character was stupid or depressed (story of my life, see also Physical Therapy) but I can’t take yet another emo POV. There was no chemistry from the leads and great chemistry from the ex-friend/second lead. Saint’s dad punishing him, when he doesn’t realize it’s because Saint is gay and heartbroken, really had meat to it as part of a basketball story. But it was such a tiny part of the overall show it felt like eating a meal when all I liked was one ingredient. I’d like to see the actor who played Saint (Offroad) in other stuff but otherwise this one can fade and be forgotten. It was a mess, and not a hot one. Fatally flawed.

NOT RECOMMENDED

Paint with Love (Thailand Gaga) 6/10

Tropes: opposites attract, office romance, sunshine/tsundere, enemies to lovers, wierdo/rulebound

For me the mains were unlikeable and the actors had poor chemistry. So while this offered a lot of what I thought I wanted from a Thai BL - mature characters, office setting, adult themes - I’m wasn’t wild about the execution. I suspect Thai pulps are better when they stick to university/high school. This one felt like a better version of Loveless Society (but that’s not saying much). The side dishes (Yoon & Yacht) gave us more chemistry and a better kiss but had little screen time. It was interesting to see them portray BL actors being shipped and then confessing to actually dating each others I’m not sure how I feel about the handling of it but it was different from Lovely Writer. In the end, this show was nicely grown up but boring and became a matter of endurance for me. I can’t ever see myself rewatching it.

WORTH WATCHING FOR SOME BUT SERIOUSLY FLAWED

Papa & Daddy 2 (Taiwan GaGa) 6/10  

I don’t have a good history with 2nd seasons, and Taiwan really likes to make a soap opera out of their queers. Witness that this one starts with a secret baby trope. There’s a lot of lying to each other and evil parents and, of course, 2nd lead syndrome strikes again. The domesticity was, of course, excellent (I love the gay siblings sharing tips on how to parent) and it was actually kind of beautiful to watch them explore ideas around infidelity, affection, lost love, and rediscovery. However, it lost me at episode 3 and never quite got me back, not even with the delightfully cheesy wedding. All in all, this was a serviceable follow up to the first installment, if riddled by unbearable parents, lack of story, and sappiness.  

WORTH WATCHING BUT FLAWED

Plus & Minus (Taiwan Viki) 8/10

AKA Plus and Minus AKA PlusMinus

Tropes: friends to lovers, LTR, office romance, (himbo) sunshine/tsundere, found family, himbo

This is a solid safe little BL about codependent besties of 20 years finding their way into a romantic relationship. A bit cheesy, with lots of domesticity and occasional dumb drama. (But gay boys and chaos bis? What can ya do?) It’s not groundbreaking but it is a solid sweet unassuming little show of a style that is perhaps a bit more Thai than it is Taiwanese but I’m okay with that. Full review here.

RECOMMENDED

Rainbow Prince (The Philippines YouTube) 6/10

Tropes: disney princess, opposites attract, sunshine/tsundere

This long form MUSICAL BL is fucking LEGEND. Also it’s profoundly not good. The acting is absolutely terrible but that’s not the point, the point is that it’s a cheesy af fairy story. Possibly the gayest BL to ever BL and certainly the most camp and very Disney. Watch it of that’s your thing, otherwise hard pass. (Full review here.)

RECOMMENDED ONLY IF YOU ALSO LIKE DISNEY SHIT

Roommates of Poongduck 304 (Korea Viki) 8/10

Tropes: rich/poor, boss/employee, enemies to lovers, office setting, cohabitation  

This is a solid little office set KBL about a rich kid who ends up both the boss and tenant of a total sweetheart cutie, and falls madly in love with him. Although the show suffered from KBL’s shorter length, I love the kissable lips pair - they deliver solid all round chemistry despite limited screen time, which is rare from Korea. So I hope they stay branded and we get even more from them in the future. Special extra extended kissing scene.

RECOMMENDED

Secret Crush on You (Thailand YouTube) 7/10

Tropes: stalking, obsession, hottest guy on campus, multiple couples, queer affirming

Previously known as Stalker the series, and you can TELL. Co-produced by and featuring (but NOT staring) Saint and directed by Cheewin (sigh) with all fresh faces it was pure pulp and... I hated the plot. In fact I was ALL OVER THE PLACE with this show. SCOY drove me nuts and made me bush but had flashes of unparalleled genius. It had a ton of things I really did not like (e.g. the humor was crass and awkward, and the whole stalker thing was extremely CRINGE). It also had things that really worked: (e.g. representation of multiple different kinds of queerness, about which it very Taiwanese - in that there was no doubt that the characters really did want to bone). It was the opposite of sanitized gay. Honestly, if you can make it through the first half, and survive the never ending cringe-factor that IS this show, the second half is entirely unique - content we’ve never seen before in BL.

RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS, but not the usual ones.

Semantic Error (Korea Viki) 10/10

Tropes: opposites attract, enemies to lovers, bully romance, sunshine/tsundere, teasing & pranks

This is my favorite BL of 2022 won a Blue Dragon award. Korea hits it entirely out of both Parks (pun on the actors’ last names intended) by doing a university set BL with everything we might expect done exactly right, their signature quality executed perfectly, and added bonus good story, great pacing, yaoi style filming, and fantastic chemistry. You cannot ask for more from a BL, let alone a KBL. Full review here.

HIGHLY ETERNALLY OMG SO MUCH RECOMMENDED

Senpai, Danjite Koidewa! (Japan Viki) 6/10

AKA Senpai, This Can’t be Love!

Tropes: office romance, object of my affection, boss/employee

Adapted from a manga for the same name, it has a similar creepy worship stalking vibe Secret Crush On You. Look, I admit it, this dynamic (super awkward pining uke, rockstar seme) is one of my least favorites - high cringe factor meets navel gazing obsessive. Japan’s weird hang-up around physical expressions of affection in BL which I expect in their slapstick high school stuff, feels cowardly here. They don't leave out end kisses in their het office romances, time to stop desexualizing the gays, too. For a plot about courage, it’s a bummer that the narrative itself didn’t have any. I can’t imagine ever watching this show again or remembering its existence. When Japan drops the balls they drop all the way to the bottom of the well. 

NOT REALLY RECOMMENDED 

Something in My Room (Thailand YouTube) 2/10

Tropes: paranormal, cohabitation, my ghost boyfriend, sunshine/tsundere

Horror BL starring Nut (Oxygen) who was a revelation, still a little stiff but he handled a totally different character from Solo with aplomb. Essentially, this was a well done pulp lockdown project version of He’s Coming to Me (with hints of So Much in Love and Peach of Time) but it was its own creature at the last gasp. I enjoyed it when it got a bit creepy but it was so slow it never had a chance to maintain tension. The two leads were ultimately cute together, but, like Peach of Time, we all knew how this one was gonna end. The narrative never left us in any doubt and I don’t like unhappy endings in my BL. So even though the sad was predictable, I won’t give this drama anymore than 2/10. Don’t kill my gays, Thailand, even when they’re already dead.

NOT RECOMMENDED

Star & Sky: Star in My Mind (Thailand YouTube) 8/10

Tropes: university set, high school crush, jock/nerd, long term pining, secret crush, reunion

This is (sort of) a lost love reunion arc + freshy hotness contest giving it 2 Moons vibes. Look, this is one of those shows that I shouldn’t really like after 400 BLs. It’s not at all unique, just some classic Thai uni folderol driven by miscommunication (or just non-communication) and yet... I COULD NOT STOP WATCHING. Sure it felt like everyone involved with this show was mostly phoning it in, but it was a REALLY nice phone call. It’s basic BL. But honestly, don’t we all need that plain white t-shirt to wear under our engineering smock... in the end? Full review here.

RECOMMENDED

Star & Sky: Sky in Your Heart (Thailand YouTube) 5/10

Tropes: rural setting, country mouse/city mouse, rich/pour, enemies to lovers

A cheap 1000 Stars knock off about a doctor who goes rural and falls in love with a volunteer teacher. This show managed to be boring, corny, AND cheesy? I don’t know exactly how to write a review of this, as “dull” isn’t in my rating system but, it is a BIG SIN for me. I guess this should be added to my short list of BL‘s that are told from the seme’s perspective? Linguistically: these two are formal with each other using pom/khun. Also If you want to hear frozen register spoken, that’s what Prince’s maa speaks to tease Fah. Full review here.

WATCH ONLY IF YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO

Takara-kun and Amagi-kun (Japan GaGa & Viki) 9/10  

Tropes: high school crush, chaos baby, high angst, classic seme/uke, secret relationship 

I gnawed on my knuckles and squealed a lot with this show. Reserved cool kid who must lean to communicate to keep the tiny disaster nugget he’s madly in love with. It is beyond charming: soft and gentle, packed with cuteness and high school angst. Did anything actually happen? No. Was it emotionally tense and paced well enough for me not to notice? Absolutely. Was there plot? Not really. Did I enjoy the hell out of it, anyway? Oh yes. Full review. 

TOTALLY RECOMMENDED 

That’s My Candy (Korea Viki) 3/10

Tropes: magical realism, LTR, breakup, amnesia, reunion

KimCop vehicle from Star Hunter, about an LTR between a student Jing (Cop) + nurse Guy (Kim) who have been together for 3 years. Guy is busy all the time so Jing is starting to feel neglected and look elsewhere. KimCop are excellent (no surprise there) but I was not into the story, premise, or concept. Side couple Viking & TamTam stole this one for me but the final ep activates the amnesia trope so even they could save it. Honestly I was left, ultimately with a sensation of: What did I just watch? It was terrible. Full review here.

NOT RECOMMENDED

Tinted With You (Korea Viki) 8/10

Tropes: historical, portal fantasy, time travel

Fun stylish time travel portal fantasy with a likable cast, historical setting, and two actual kisses that mitigate a rough plot and issues around anachronisms. Full review here.

RECOMMENDED

To My Star 2: Our Untold Stories (Korea Viki) 7/10

Tropes: grumpy/sunshine, hurt/comfort, opposites attract, forced proximity, breakup/reunion

If you like angst, wallowing, and realistic relationship struggles in your BL, watch this. If you prefer fluffy comforting BL, avoid like the plague. For me the pay out was not sufficient to the pain. I enjoyed the performances, directing, and chemistry - the leads’ comfort with each other is unprecedented in Korean BL, but that’s not enough for me to rise above the pain of the narrative. This show is a home wrecking hussy, but like super classy about it. Full review here.

RECOMMENDED WITH SERIOUS RESERVATIONS

Triage (Thailand grey) 7/10  

Tropes: time loop, age gap, medical drama, fated mates

I thought the plot was good if a little redundant and occasionally exhausting. The pairs were all well done, low heat but with decent chemistry and the support characters were likable (or unlikable as required). I feel much as a did with Manner of Death, which is to say: this feels less BL than it does gay time-slip suspense. If anything, the romance arc detracted and distracted from the main plot. But I’m in BL for the romance, and the rewatchability, and this had very little of either. Full review here.

RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS

The Tuxedo (Thailand GaGa) 3/10

Tropes: tsundere seme, enemies to lovers, rich/poor

GMMTV be like, “see us squander glorious chemistry on terrible scripts.” The Tuxedo be like, “oh yeah? Hold my beer.” Watching this was like eating a meal of just spices. the spice profile was great, but it wasn’t ON actual food. The show itself had no plot or story and MADE NO SENSE, but I really hope we see these boys again in something more worthy of them.

NOT RECOMMENDED

Unforgotten Night (Thailand GaGa) 5/10 

Tropes: mafia, BDSM, not much of either 

Adapted from the y-novel Mafia's Bad Love, (originally featured both a gay poly triad and a GL sub plot). Stared Yoon (YYY, Paint With Love, My Ride) as a mafia Dom and Ton (Y-Destiny) as the accountant sub. Kim has a one night stand with a random stranger who becomes obsessed with him. Pretty soon into this I began to think this show should be called Forgotten Kink rather than Unforgotten Night. There isn't any. Mostly there's faucets left on and shower heads used for tie points (don't DO that). But honestly this was just bad. There is a moral to this show but I’m not sure what it is. Don’t combine your BDSM-but-not-really BL pulp with plumbing? In the end, this dumpster fire was extinguished by a garden hose and all we were left with was leaky pipes and the smell of damp trash. The only kinks were in the hose. No full review but I did to a trash watch. 

WATCH IT IF YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO, BUT I WARNED YOU

Vice Versa (Thailand YouTube) 8/10 

Tropes: alt reality, bodyswap, soulmates AKA fated mates, portal fantasy

Jimmy (Puen the super flirt confident king) is insanely charismatic and takes up all the air in (the proverbial cinematic) room, but I warmed up to Sea (Talay the timid acerbic sweetheart) eventually. As a couple they read as more teasing and brotherly than sexy, but that’s GMMTV’s brand. I enjoyed the concept of this show (I’m big into magical realism and skewed reality - see my adoration for Color Rush) but JittiRain’s plot was contrived and weak (normal for them). I find the “writing on each other” habit quite cute. Look, here’s the thing, flaws and all I pretty much spent this entire show smiling. I didn’t even mind being so obviously manipulated. That said, this is never going to be one of my top rewatch rotations, so I’m calling it for an 8/10. 

RECOMMENDED

Want to See You (Vietnam YouTube) 5/10

AKA Muốn Nhìn Thấy Em

Tropes: whipping boy, disability, secret love

Everyone’s favorite Vietnamese hottie Ba Vinh (O2 Productions: Mr Cinderella etc...) played an arsehole blind man (Jane Eyre feels) who hires a live in nurse and both get taken advantage of by a series of psycho femme fatales characters. The chemistry was okay but not Vinh’s best. Did they serve up prime domesticity? Of course. This is Vietnam, you get what you pay for. But tonally, this show was all over the place, hugely inconsistent in characterization and motivation. No clean narrative through line. Nothing anyone did actually ever made sense, it was mostly just frustrating. 

WATCH ONLY IF YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO 

What If (Thailand WeTV) 4/10

Had promised but was ultimately a complete letdown, not really BL either. It was, in the end, primarily about singing, so you know I didn’t like anything about this. 

NOT RECOMMENDED 

What Zabb Man! (Thailand YouTube) 8/10

Tropes: enemies to lovers, tsundere seme, rich/poor

WZM was better than we have any right to expect with decent pacing and a foodie theme threaded through the narrative as both love language and plot driver. Basically CEO falls in love with a street vendor’s food, recruits him to work in his hotel, falls in love with him, and that’s the beginning. Class struggles! Kitchen drama! Papaya pounding (not a euphemism)! Chef poaching (not literally)! Spicy scenes (yes literally)! It’s all so delicious. Full review here.

RECOMMENDED, especially if you like Thai food

You’re My Sky (Thailand Viki) 6/10

Tropes: sports romance, friends to lovers, jock/nerd meets sunshine/tsundere, cheating

A serviceable college-set pulp that focused on 3 sports romances with high angst, but was ultimately too slow moving for me, and with only one couple I liked (SaenAei). Main couple, FahThorn = basketball jocks, boring. DomeVee = track & field with a disaster bi cheating with your sister’s boyfriend storyline (by FAR the best sexual chemistry). SaenAei = jock/nerd with a younger puppy sunshine seme, best boys. Saen was my favorite character; relentlessly flirty but always clear about with his interest and steady in his regard, but who wants this many eps for one side character?

WORTH WATCHING BUT FLAWED AND YOU NEED PATIENCE  

Work from Heart (Thailand YouTube) 4/10

Tropes: Romeo & Romeo, office romance

Pulp office drama featuring tons of couples starring Gameplay as rich kid terrible dresser Dee who forms an unfathomable and poorly depicted romance with his internship supervisor. Some nifty linguistic stuff and great lead pair chemistry, doesn’t compensate for one of the worst wardrobes and an ultimately unfathomable plot. 

FATALLY FLAWED

THE DNF/DNW LIST

Shows I dropped, lost track of, never got around to or otherwise failed to complete.

2 Moons: The Ambassador AKA 2 Moons 3 (Thailand grey) 

I hear that it’s pretty banal and I’m just waiting to collect them all and binge. I doubt it will get a high rating from me or monkey with the standings much so I’m not fussed. 

7 Days 7 Boys (Thailand grey) 

No subs and it is also profoundly not good. Do not bother.

180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us (Thailand GaGa) 

8 eps - This is a queer drama not a BL. It’s fine, reminded me oddly of early Taiwanese stuff, a bit slow moving and oddly paced. But I intensely disliked the lead character. He's a brat in the wrong way. Especially as a 20 year old. 

Country Boy 2 (Thailand who cares?)

I barely managed the first installment. No thank you. 

Fahlanruk (Thailand GaGa) 

I found all the characters profoundly unlikeable. I don’t like any of the couples and the fujoshi framing is repulsive under the context of a narrative trying to be this authentically gay. I lost all patience and cut my losses at ep 5. @heretherebedork said it was BohnDuen 2.0 only worse and that’s my least favorite dynamic of all time, so yeah, not gonna bother. 

Fudanshi Bartender no Tashinami (AKA Accomplishment of Fudanshi Bartender) (Japan Gaga) 

BL Express posted a review and it sounds A LOT like another kind of Absolute BL thing from Japan, but focused on the fudanshi side of the equation and I could not be less intersted so I did not watch. 

Gameboys 2

I have no idea what happened - to me or it. But I remember watching a bit, and then just got distracted or something. 

Getaway (Singapore YouTube)

Based on an original story from a gay creator featuring an openly gay cast this vacation romance from Singapore set in Bangkok did nto work for me. The lead was fine but the muscle boy love interest's acting was just bad. Look, I’m the first to admit that there’s a lot of bad and awkward acting in this genre, but for some reason… it feels a lot worse in English. I like how unabashedly gay the show is but (how do I put this nicely, I guess...) if I’m gonna watch English language gay vacay shit – I’d rather watch Fire Island. Still, as one might expect, the heat execution is good (Taiwan still holds the crown, tho). But I eventually just gave up.

In a Relationship (Thailand YouTube)

Thailand’s answer to Gameboys (a bit late, kids). I’m generally not a fan of lockdown romances and this didn’t grab me.

My Roommate (Thailand YouTube)

32 eps of 2 minutes each with such terrible production values I couldn’t be bothered. Def not my thing.

My Tempo (Thailand grey) 

A Thai BL movie about the Thai music industry. Yeah, no thank you.

On Cloud Nine (Thailand YouTube) 

A country-set atmospheric series from MindTrio about afterlife and awaiting loved ones. Def not my thing. 

Physical Therapy (Thailand GaGa)

Milk is basically a Mainland China-style super useless heroine type. He’s, ugh, so totally not cute. I just don’t think emo is sexy (sorry Japan). I don’t understand why anyone likes him: friends, crushes, lovers. And I couldn’t tell if the doctor was faking it or just a terrible actor.

Rak Dao (Thailand grey)

A real sit com that was just too much for me to take. I didn’t even survive the first 2 episodes. And I usually give a drama 3 eps.

Restart(ed) (Thailand grey)

Looked like Top Secret Together meets Y-Destiny but ended up being more like Club Friday. Glimmers of good chemistry and hella queer but even that did not save this from terrible sound and an incomprehensible plot full of completely random characters. An absolute mess.

Scent of Love (Thailand no idea)

Just couldn’t find it. Also it’s the lead pair from My Secret Love so could not be bothered to even try. 

SELF (Thailand YT) 

Is it sad? Worth watching? I don’t know, no one said a peep about this show but I got a bad feeling about the end so I never bothered. 

The Promise (Vietnam YouTube)

Stepbrothers trope, enemies to lovers, high school, reunion romance, grumpy/tsundere. Narrative has a “memoir” framework. Sort of Cherry Blossoms After Winter if they were enemies.

The Miracle of Teddy Bear (Thailand grey)

Surreal drama series with dark elements. Nat's giant teddy bear, Taohu, miraculously turns into a young man but can't remember anything about himself. I found out this has what I COUNT as a sad ending and with it being hard to find i didn’t bother.

The Next Door Crush (Vietnam YouTube) 

Reunion romance or something, I couldn’t be arsed. 

To Sir, With Love AKA Khun Chai (Thailand grey) 

I’m waiting on grey subs for this Thai historical gay soap opera that came outta nowhere. It’s more lakorn than it is BL (soapy) and word is it ends happily. It’s just taking me time to track down. 

War of Y (Thailand Gaga) 

Tropes: industry self criticism, messy gay, general chaos

COPY A BANGKOK brings us 20 episode of Cheewin’s nonsense starring the boys from Y-Destiny and SCOY. My initial thoughts? It was better than any of us have a right to expect but I hated it. I disliked it for the same reason I don’t like rockstar romances... celebrities (and their people) are assholes. This show features a bunch of actors behaving like actors, managers behaving like managers, all of them predators and victims and both. I’ve dropped before for less (Call It What You Want) and I’ll drop again. Then again I loved Lovely Writer - but I think that’s because Sib is meant to be a sinister dick who’s only an actor because it gets him closer to Gene, and i like that approach. War of Y is just a collection of fragile egos easily traumatized by their own desires (and the needs of others) - it’s brutal to watch. BillySeng are killing it, but.... it hurts, and not in a good way. I’m going to save it and binge all at once when I am feeling bored and resilient. Will I watch it eventually? Maybe? Probably not. I think we have an ITSAY situation going on here. Also BL Express was not best pleased, and I while we rarely share taste, in this instance I trust their reporting.

Ones I Could Not Track Down - Japan of course 

Both Me and Him are the Grooms AKA Boku mo Aitsu mo Shinrodesu - Aired March 2022 on KTV & Tver, some see it on Gaga, but not me. This is a coming out drama rama. Ryosuke and Mizuki are getting married but on the wedding day Mizuki finds out that his partner didn't tell his parents, relatives, or friends that he's gay. Catastrophe results: furious outbursts, fighting between the two families, and then Mizuki's ex boyfriend shows up. 

Grand Guignol - a horror, paranormal, high shcool movie that released in Japanese theaters middle of the year. Starred Rio Komiya (Eternal Yesterday) and Ryosuke Sota (Mr Unlucky) among others.

Kamisama no Ekohiiki - body swap, paranormal, country set. Amano Yashiro has a crush on his best friend, Nanahara Kenta. Yashiro died in a car accident after being rejected by Kenta. However, due to God's favoritism, Yashiro was reborn as a female student called Tendo Kagura, and lives a new life. Yashiro decides to make use of his girly look to have Kenta fall for him. While Yashiro and Kenta become closer, they were interrupted by Kenta's ex-girlfriend, Torii Rin, who told "Kagura" to stay away from Kenta. Furthermore, it was discovered that Yashiro's body is still alive. What is actually happening?

Melting Night: Secret Kiss - microfilm part of the Kiss X Kiss X Kiss series, featuring the stepbrothers trope that aired on Tiver. A and B are friends who are secretly in love with each other. They became stepbrothers after their parents' remarry. Even though they acted like family, their feelings overflow and when their parents were gone...

Yes I REALLY want to see this one. 

Sing In Love AKA Miso's Koi Kogare Utae - movie adaptation of a PNR manga released in theaters, but no word on international distribution. About a teacher who encounters a mysterious man from his past, who is strangely obsessed with him. 

2022 BL Announced but Never Aired or Otherwise Confusing 

Eye Contact AKA មើលបានហាមសម្លឹង - Cambodia

Tie The Not AKA Under the Same Sky - The Philippines 

Ghost and I Becoming Family - Taiwan 

God's Military Officer - Taiwan 

Melody In Me - Vietnam 

The Lost Ring AKA The Ring Goes Missing reboot - Vietnam

KOREAN BL ANNOUNCED FOR 2022 BUT NEVER AIRED 

Bon Appetit

Comfort the Boy AKA A Shoulder to Cry On - premiere postponed indefinitely due to actor contract conflict, rated R15+ due to topic & vulgarity

Eccentric Romance - was supposedly in production July 2022. Silkwood’s 2nd Thai/Korean colab but not their last.

Eul's Love

Follow The Wind - supposed to have released in the first half of 2022

Happy Merry Ending

Heesu in Class 2

Individual Circumstances

Jun and Jun - filming Dec 2022

Love Class 2 AKA Love Class Season 2 - filming was to start Nov 2022

Love is like a Cat - supposedly completed filming aug 2022 so I guess stuck in post? stars Mew. 

Love Tractor

Secret Relationship -  was to be adapted by Cradle Studio (a subsidiary of Kakao).

Space Bakery

Two Game Over 

Why R U? Korean remake - supposedly filming Sept 2022 

I am assuming most of these can be transferred to 2023 expectations but am not sure. 

THAI BL ANNOUNCED FOR 2022 BUT NEVER AIRED 

Art Adore En

Bitter Sweet

Boxer In Heart

Buddy Line Y Animal AKA Buddy Line Y(aoi) Animal

Call My Name

Cinderella Boys

City of Stars AKA Fueangnakorn

Destiny Seeker

Future the series

Heart by Heart

Imado Jinja

Intern In My Heart

Love at First Sight

Make a Wish

Mr. Bad Guy

My Broccoli

My Engineer 2

My Last Love

My Lucky Cat

Nilundon

Past Love In The Future

Past-senger AKA Pastsenger

The Sweet Robot

The Theory series

Trouble Maker

Does not include those announced for 2022 but which have since been officially moved to 2023. Those will appear on the 2023 forthcoming lists. 

(source)

#all the bl that aired in 2022 #no really pretty much all of it #this is MONSTER post #BL post not for the faint of heart #I should probably NOT be using tumlr for this #but I love tumblr #so like BL I am here until the bitter end #Thai BL #Korean BL #Japanese BL #Pinoy BL #Taiwanese BL #KBL #JBL #BL reviews #BL review #best of bl 2022 #worst of bl 2022 #bl 2022 #bl summation #do i do another one of these next year?

[winter-leftovers]

Til The End Of Eternity || Chapter twenty one: Coming Back (21/?)

(Douxie Casperan x f!reader)

Summary: Y/n is trying to figure her life out but is going to be hard since her brother is the new trollhunter and she is plagued by dreams and feelings she doesn’t understand.

Chapter Summary: Y/n recovers her memory. The search for the staff of avalon begins

Word count: 1661

Warnings: No

(Season 3 Episodes 6, 7)

Song?: Mother Stands For Comfort by Kate Bush

Previous - Next

Masterlist

Y/n holded the doorknob to the backdoor of her house until she felt her hot hand would melt the metal under it. After spending a couple days away in a remote part of the woods her memory came back.

Amongst the trees and the darkness, the old spell lifted, allowing all the old memories wash over her like water breaking through a dam. She could finally recall who she really was and why she was there in Arcadia, in the Lake’s home or at least why she thought her father would want her there: to help the first human trollhunter to fulfill his destiny.

All the pieces of her life came back and laid to rest in their designated place, all except one: the night she strayed from her old life to found herself in Arcadia as a child in Barbara’s arms. That rainy night is still foggy in her mind.

Finally, Y/n opened the door to an empty kitchen but to a full living room. Claire’s parents and Toby’s grandmother were sitting on the couch talking with Barbara.

She sighed, relieved, she hadn't figured out what she was going to tell her family about what she uncovered in the last couple of months and more people around could buy her a little more time.

“Hi,” she smiled, quickly walking to the stairs “I don’t want to get too close, I've been camping” Y/n chuckled.

Barbara walked up to her daughter before she could run upstairs.

“You don’t have to lie anymore. I remembered everything. I even put Claire’s and Toby’s parents up to speed” Barbara laughed.

“I’m not lying! You can smell my hair” Y/n smiled.

Barbara looked at her daughter. She could sense something about her was different but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. Barbara always could read her daughter like the palm of her hand

“Something’s off” she frowned and grabbed her hand.

Y/n looked at her mother’s eyes, the only mother she ever had and gave her a genuine smile “I promise I’ll explain. Just not right now” she looked back at their guests.

Barbara nodded and squeezed her daughter’s hand

“You know that I’m always here, right, sweetie?”

Y/n nodded and let go of her mother’s hand to run upstairs to take a shower.

“I wasn’t finished. That’s deranged!” Blinky’s screams echoed through the hallway.

Y/n slowly opened Jim’s door and poked her head through it. The whole gang was there except for Aaarrrgghh with the new addition, Dictatious.

“You’re saying Jim should destroy his amulet ‘cause you think you saw some old man put a map inside of it?” Toby sounded like he was going to lose his mind.

“It was Merlin” insistes Claire “The key to finding his tomb, to finding his staff, is inside his amulet”

‘Yeah, that’s him’ though Y/n.

“The girl-child may be on to something. The amulet and the staff are connected” said Dictatious.

“Both fueled by the magic of Merlin” said Blinky.

“But if Jim breaks his amulet, he can’t armor up! And if he can’t armor up ‘Goodbye, Eclipse Blade!’ How’s he supposed to kill Gunmar?” Screamed Toby in desperation.

“If we don’t get the staff first, none of that will matter anyway” said Claire

“Maybe I don’t have to destroy the amulet. You said Gunmar has Aaarrrgghh captive?” Jim looked at Dictatious.

Y/n frowned.

“And Aaarrrgghh could be used as an emotional anchor” said Blinky.

“We’d portal jump right to him” said Claire.

“The plan is set. We save Aaarrrgghh and stop Gunmar by any means necessary before he acquires the staff”

“What’s going on?” Y/n entered the room.

“Y/n?” The kids screamed in unison.

“Who is that…?” Asked Dictatious

“Shh” Blinky hit his brother on the head “Y/n, where have you been?”

“Where’ve you been?” Jim hugged his sister tight.

“Yeah, I���ve been texting, I needed…ughh” Toby hugged her and took a step back “You smell awful”

“I miss you too but…Toby is right” Claire grabbed her free hand.

“I was in the woods. Doing some…spiritual work. It's a long story and from what I heard we don’t have time” Y/n scratched Jim's hair that was still hugging her.

“We really do not have any time” said Blinky.

“Do we have time to explain the new accent?” Toby lifted a brow.

“What?”

“You’re madonna-ing”

“I’m not. Shut up” Y/n frowned. Her memories had brought her accent back?

—

After taking a quick shower, Y/n came downstairs as the trollhunter team were saying their goodbyes.

“I’m coming with” Y/n announced “I’m not letting Blinky unsupervised”

Jim and Toby laughed.

Y/n hugged Barbara tight. Y/n whispered in her mother’s ear

“You’re the best mother I could ever have”

She quickly stood behind Claire before the tears started rolling.

“Part of the spiritual trip?” Jim smiled.

“Something like that” Y/n smiled back.

The five of them jumped through the portal to a dark ruin quickly finding Aaarrrgghh in a stasis trap.

“The work of Angor Rot” observed Blinky.

“Uhm, those are Dwarkstones. If we deactivate the stasis, this place is gonna blow” said Claire.

“Aaarrrgghh, my friend, they’ve used you as bait to kill us” screamed Blinky.

Aaarrrgghh groaned.

“We gotta get him out of there!” Screamed Toby in desperation.

“No, Wingman. You leave” said Aaarrrgghh

“No, we’re not giving up”

“Guys, I’ve got an idea!” said Jim.

Everyone turned to Jim.

“Okay. Toby drops the hammer, we drop into the room below” he points to the ground.

“The hammer’s power and weight might be enough to override the stasis trap or it’ll fail, Toby will disintegrate into nothingness, and we’ll die with the explosion” Blinky explained.

“Cool beans” said Toby.

“Charming” Y/n pated the trolls back.

“Even if it works, what if we drop into something worse?” Asked Claire, fear written all over her face.

“Than this? I’ll take my chances. Tobes, are you ready?” Jim crouched down.

“Ready to possibly kill us all and die in failure? Yeah” he took a deep breath before start running “For Aaarrrgghh”

Jim pushed Toby into the air, giving the hammer enough strength to break the floor and destroying the trap, making the team fall into a dark tunnel of nothingness.

Y/n felt her knees hit the hard floor, she looked up and saw Aaarrrgghh covering them from the rest of the debri falling from the trap.

“Is everyone alright?” Y/n asked once the rain of stones stopped falling.

Jim draw daylight to illuminate the dark room.

“Wingman” Toby threw himself to Aaarrrgghh.

“Wingman” Aaarrrgghh quickly reciprocated the hug.

The group laughed and followed the two, for a moment forgetting where they were.

“What is this place?” Blinky asked

“Smells old” Aaarrrgghh sniffed the humid air.

“Ah!” Toby tried to take a step forward, almost falling into the abyss.

“Remarkable” Blinky looked down “An ancient gyre”

The team went down to investigate the old artifact.

“Why would there be a gyre here?” Jim got into the gyre.

“It doesn’t even have controls” observed Blinky.

Y/n observed the cave with the help of little light that was able to shine through the broken ceiling. She walked around the gyre with a small smile on her face. Of course. She finally recognised the place. It was Douxie’s and her longest task.

“If I break the amulet it will lead us to Merlin’s tomb” Jim said.

Y/n stopped walking through the dark and dusty room, she turned her head back to the sound of her brother’s voice. She ran to the stairs and up to the gyre and saw Jim hit the amulet with Toby’s hammer.

For an instant, a blue light illuminated the room then disappeared as quickly as it came revealing the destroyed pieces of Merlin’s amulet.

Jim kneeled in front of the stone where the pieces rested and picked them up one by one

“No turning back now” he said.

“No turning back” Y/n whispered to herself, as she played with her bracelet.

She felt her stomach turn. She knew from the moment that she crossed that portal that there was no turning back but now, that notion is final. Her old and new life were going to crash and she wasn’t sure how that was going to go. She was nervous. She hasn’t seen her father in nine hundred years and she hasn’t told her friends about her identity yet.

Jim put the blue stone where the controls of the gyre should be and a warm blue light surrounded them, the gyre starting its travel.

Y/n started to breathe a little better as she felt Douxie’s old magic all around.

“If this is fate, I really hope we’re not destined to die” screamed Toby, grabbing Y/n’s hand as the machine started to gain speed.

—

“Whoa, a hidden entrance” Jim smiled as they crossed the waterfall.

“Yeah, but to where?” Claire walked close behind the trollhunter.

Y/n took a couple steps forward when she saw Toby starting to struggle with his war hammer. She didn’t want to be behind him when the ‘no-magic’ spell got to him.

“Why no war hammer magic?” Toby complained as the artifact fell to the floor.

“No magic here” Blinky translated the sign on top of the door “It appears this hallowed tomb is warded against sorcery”

“My shadow staff doesn’t work either” Claire tried to use her staff in vain.

“Hey, what’s that?” Y/n pointed behind the girl at the giant claw marks that shouldn't be there.

“These claw marks look fresh” observed Claire.

“Hmm. Yes, yes.” Blinky got closer “As if…a struggle”

“Draal” Aaarrrgghh said.

Y/n turned back and saw the troll holding a chain “There's no magic here. He’s free”

“Then we’re not just here for the staff. We can save Draal” Jim smiled at the idea of recovering their friend.

A/n: we’re getting closer to the part that inspired the series!!! Also!!! I fucking!!! Hate!!!! Summer!!!

Remember that reviews, love letters and death threats are always appreciated 💖

#tales of arcadia #douxie x reader #douxie #toa #trollhunters #hisirdoux casperan #hisirdoux x reader #my writing #Til The End Of Eternity

[vgperson]

What Did I Do In 2022?

Game Translations That Aren't YTTD: 1. Okay, maybe 1.5.

----

First of all, while I didn't add it until later in the year (not entirely unmotivated by the Stability of Platforms), my site now has an RSS feed for notable updates of any kind! I mention this upfront because I'm mostly just going over the things that are already listed there. It currently retroactively covers everything back to 2020, but I might add more past stuff over time so it can better serve as a general "everything I've ever done" page.

In February, I translated Kenshi Yonezu's POP SONG (and an interview). Noel The Mortal Fate Seasons 1-7 also got a revamped version on consoles (Switch, PS4); the console versions include a new Season 3.5 translated entirely by me, and the rest of the seasons have a revised script which is more thoroughly edited by me than even the redone Steam translation was.

In March, the update adding Kai to Your Time To Shine came out. Yes, he is Kai.

In April, I finally finished up my unofficial Japanese translation patch for Petal Crash. たのしいね、クラッシュ！ It actually just got some extra attention after the Petal Crash run for RTA In Japan about two days ago, which is kind of wild. Is this what it's like to be famous...? (clueless)

In May, I translated Kenshi Yonezu's Shin Ultraman theme song M87 (interview, interview), and the coupling song from the single, ETA. And there was an article about the 10th anniversary of his debut!

Also in May, the Ib remake came out on Steam in English! Told you they'd contact me. It was later announced to be coming to Switch, scheduled for March 2023.

In August, Your Turn To Die was announced to be coming to Steam. It's planned for early 2023, but to be clear, it'll release first in Early Access still with no final part, though with some exclusive mini-episodes and character profile sheets. Apparently once that's out, the actual completion is estimated for 6 to 12 months later... but, you know. Estimates are hard.

In September, I put together a guide for and officially "released" my Custom Translation Engine plugin for RPG Maker MV, the one I made for the Ib remake, and back-implemented into Your Turn To Die shortly after I was contacted about it coming to Steam. It's fancy (in-game language switching!), convenient (minimal direct editing of code!), and you can use it for your own translation projects if you want!

In October... well, I didn't do anything new for it, but I'll take credit for The Witch's House MV coming to consoles. (Switch, PS4, Xbox) I also translated everyone's favorite Chainsaw Man opening KICK BACK, associated interviews, and the single's coupling song Y'all Should Be Ashamed.

Finally, in December, after lots of spending my time elsewhere and indecision about how I should go about returning to doing some dang free game translations, I concluded that what I'd really wanted to do all year was translate Uri's PEDESTAL.

I think some people latched onto specific parts of Uri's original explanation for why it wasn't being translated, such as the cultural aspects (I honestly winced at her blunt remark that the story was "no good at all"), but while Uri indeed had those doubts at the time of release, the only real reason it wasn't translated at the time is that I did a less-than-ideal rushed playthrough that slightly hurt my overall impression of its quality, and I felt too busy at the time to work on something with lots of text that was likely to be divisive. So similarly, me finally feeling up to it was the reason it did get translated. I probably should've come back to it quite a bit sooner (after I was made to give up a certain other translation, say), but as I alluded to in last year's post, I was self-conscious about "my big return to free game translations" being something that might not have wide appeal. Uh, glad to be past that, hopefully.

Oh, and ever since finishing PEDESTAL, I've been working on all sorts of overhauls to my site, but like... not the kind that actually majorly changes any part of the visible design and annoys people (and if something did change in an annoying way, it's probably accidental). Some of it's just better consideration of mobile browsing (stuff like images or tables sticking out of bounds at mobile resolutions), or making things more convenient for myself behind the scenes (did you know I made a program to add "br"s to every line of all lyrics content before considering I could just have the page code do that, and also better?).

Some more major observable changes include general renovations to the lyrics page (bigger font size, buttons that hide individual languages to aid in side-by-side comparison), and more convenient navigation of OSTER's tweets, such that I could actually imagine someone reading through them all the way from the start without it being too much of a hassle.

----

While I'm glad to be over the PEDESTAL hump, I don't... necessarily have any definite plans for upcoming free game translations. I mostly just have some stuff on a list that I may have to make myself check out soon enough. Also, Game Atsumaru (which you may know as The Site That Hosts YTTD's Japanese Version) is ending in June??? So uh, might have to accelerate checking out stuff on there, though I guess it depends on how many creators are able to migrate. (Nankidai does plan to put YTTD's Japanese browser version up somewhere else.)

As I mentioned, Your Turn To Die's Early Access release on Steam should be coming up early next year with those mini-episodes and character profiles, and the game might be completed within the year. No promises. I mean, I don't have anything to promise, it's not my game.

Speaking of my game... also no promises. But I'd really like to release one. We'll see what happens. There's also a different kind of original project I recently returned to trying to make real, which could come early in the year, but who knows. As should be apparent, I'm working on a lot of different fronts here, so I frequently feel bad about neglecting such-and-such type of creative work, which sometimes means nothing actually gets done and released. Ultimately, though, it's probably better to follow what I most feel like doing, rather than force focus on one thing and end up not actually getting much done.

Which is to say: hoping to finish something in the new year!

#vgperson

[gamerswift13]

Mrs Maisel Musings!

Kia ora, friends!

Alright, here it is folks, the moment maybe some, maybe none of you have been waiting for: my thoughts on the The Marvellous Mrs Maisel final season. I did it, I finally got it done. I think the reason it took me so long, aside from previously mentioned mental health issues, is that writing stuff like this for five hundred and sixteen minutes of television is hard! It’s really hard. I would love to hear what you all think of this, and if you want to discuss what I’ve written here, or even just about the show or season in general, please hit me up! I would love to talk about it with you.

Now enough with the delays and the stalling - please enjoy my review (??) of The Marvellous Mrs Maisel season 5, the final season.

So, I really liked the first few seasons of The Marvellous Mrs Maisel. Even though it’s a bit cheesy and dopey at times. Rachel Brosnahan is a joy to watch on-screen, and a lot of the other actors here do a really great job with the script they were given... such as it is. On a recent rewatch, though, I started to see the strings a little bit - things that I liked the first time around just didn’t quite hit the same. I got through most of it, all the important parts, and then I started the new season. It’s been a couple weeks or so since I finished it, and I’m not as down on it now as I was when I started, but y’all, I am about to have some opinions.

This the final Mrs Maisel season really feels like creator Amy Sherman-Palladino probably wanted to do at least one more season after this, but someone at Jeff’s Website Studios said no, so she simply decided to burn the show to the ground.

Now as I wrote in the subtitle, I am about to spoil things here, so this is your final warning: if you don’t want to be spoiled for season five of The Marvellous Mrs Maisel, get out now.

Also: foul language ahead! 🤬

The entire point of this season seems to be leaning into how much of a piece of shit Miriam Weissman is. We get glimpses of her in “current day” 1962 juxtaposed with scenes set in 1972 and 1982, and a couple of other random years, where we skip around and see all sorts of wild stuff - Midge is rich and famous, her kids Ethan and Esther are all grown up, Joel is in prison, and there are some bonkers and hilariously bad facial prosthetics.

Now, aside from the hilariously stupid idea that Midge as a stand-up comic somehow got insanely rich, there are some cool ideas here. The first episode opens with Esther in a psychiatrists office in 1981, searching through a backpack for something and seeming very annoyed. On first watch, I didn’t like that this is something that’s shown at all, but the more I thought about it the more I warmed to the idea. In previous seasons, The Marvellous Mrs Maisel has at times made a point of showing Midge being a terrible and/or absent mother, usually for comedic effect, but I think it’s interesting that they took this idea and bore it out, to show that mid-20’s Midge’s actions had consequences. In a later episode we also see Ethan as an adult, with Midge annoyingly landing in a helicopter nearby and upsetting everyone - this wasn’t as interesting to me, but it was still a good glimpse into how little regard Midge appears to have for anyone but herself, Joel, Susie, or Lenny Bruce.

Speaking of Lenny Bruce, I want to talk about his appearances in the final season. If you know anything about him from real life, you might know how his life ended, and where. The very first episode of season five has Midge bumping into him randomly at the airport when he is about to board a plane to Los Angeles. This made me so. Fucking. Mad. IRL Lenny Bruce was found dead in his home in Hollywood Hills in 1966, which lead me to believe that the very last time Midge will ever see him was this scene at the airport. Midge walks away from the interaction with Lenny with a strange look on her face, as if she somehow knows that this will be the last time she ever sees him alive, and it is my humble opinion that that fucking sucks. Lenny Bruce is one of the best characters on this show, with a ton of great appearances and lines and jokes, and Luke Kirby does a phenomenal job of capturing the real Lenny’s energy - it’s not 1:1, but it’s a great depiction, and I simply cannot believe Amy S-P would do my boy like this. The only other time we see Lenny in this season is years later, performing in front of a fairly disinterested crowd as he mumbles and rambles about this thing and that, and it’s so fucking depressing. This season, the show never outright mentions his drug use, but it’s heavily implied, and there’s a moment in a back room where he is talking to Susie and appears to be unable to stand up. On the one hand, I’m kind of pleased that they didn’t depict his death at all, but it really bothered me that these two scenes were all we got of him before the show stops referencing him at all.

The part of this season that really shines the most to me is a scene from episode eight, with Abe in a dimly-lit restaurant with Gabe, his boss, and a couple of colleagues. The scene begins with Abe checking his coat and coming over to sit where Gabe etcetera are already seated around a table and chatting. They order some wine. There’s a cut here to a few minutes later where the wine has arrived and been poured, and Abe sits silently, swirling his drink and clearly deep in thought while the others talk amongst themselves. Eventually, Gabe interrupts Abe’s thoughts, telling him that he had been raving to the others about his conversational skills. Abe apologises. “It’s just… the whole goddamn world, you know,” he says, clearly depressed about something. “Only that?” chimes in one of the other men at the table. Then ensues a conversation about the state of the world, about progress, about gender inequality and mental health, even, which was surprising to me. This scene is heartbreaking, and might be some of the best writing in the entire series. I cried watching this scene the first time around, and again just now rewatching it. It’s really sad that Abe never got the kind of character development shown here earlier, I would have liked to see that.

Episode six is an interesting sort of experiment; beginning with Midge on stage, in 1985, talking about her relationship with Susie, it then transitions into a roast for an indifferent and grumpy Susie in 1990, which is basically a device for a bunch of famous people you’ve seen in other things to come together as characters never seen before or again and tell stories about Susie’s rise to fame as one of the biggest talent managers in the United States. Here we get an explanation for why Joel is in prison, and a bunch of seemingly randomly selected stories about what Susie has been up to since 1962. As with the portrayal of Esther in episode one, this was another thing about this season that really bothered me at first, because it felt like it lacks focus, but as I thought about it more, it started to grow on me. This collection of tales about Susie’s exploits make sense for her character, and help to define who she is.

Overall, this season really fell down for me when I realised that a lot of really interesting moments never truly pay off. We jump around a lot between different years and perspectives, and we see a lot of things that could have been great story arcs, but they simply end and are never mentioned again. I really do feel like this season was supposed to be two or more, and Jeff’s Studio said no, so Amy Sherman-Palladino lit it all on fire. I think that if hyou like this show, it might still be worth it to catch the final season, but personally I feel like it should never have been made - at least not in this form. I would much rather have seen this stretched out more, over at least one more season. It tries to give the viewer some closure in the very last scene of the very last episode, but for me it falls flat. I don’t think I’ll ever watch this again.

Thanks so much for reading! What did you think? Once again, please feel free to hit me up in the comments, on the socials, or send me an email. And as always, if you want to read more stuff by me, you can check out my Letterboxd reviews - I recently reviewed The Craft (1996), Eradication (2022), and The Sand (2015)!

I hope y’all are staying safe out there! Have a great week and I’ll talk to you again soon. Ka kite anō au i a koe. 💚

Rebecca

Links | Twitter | Mastodon | Cohost | Substack | itch.io | Letterboxd | Instagram | Carrd | Email

#The Marvellous Mrs Maisel #Mrs Maisel #Luke Kirby #Lenny Bruce #Rachel Brosnahan #midge x lenny #mental health #queer writers #trans writers #non binary writers #writers of aotearoa #writers of new zealand #aotearoawriters #new zealand #Amazon #substack #authors #non fiction #aotearoa #lgbtqi+ #television #TV #review #entertainment #gamerswift13

[chellesdump]

Rocking Clowns - Blackpink

"The girls decided to have a scary movie marathon to get into the spooky season, but after having watched a couple of them one of them started getting anxious and resorted to stim to self-soothe"

word count ─ 1.1k

tags ─ little! lisa, little! rosé, cg! jennie, cg! jisoo, autumn, tw! scary movies, tw! someone getting hurt, stimming

notes ─ This is for the Scary Movies and Stimming prompt. So enjoy :3

The Blackpink girls had made their plan for the day to have a marathon of scary movies in order to get into the spooky season, also known as October, each one had chosen either 1 or 2 movies to put in their movie playlist for the day, from classic scary movies to newer ones.

In order to prepare for their long day they woke up early to go to the store to stock up on candies, beverages, snacks, and some other necessities for their perfect day, “Unnie! We need to buy this popcorn bucket, it has 2 WHOLE BOXES of M&M’s. Can we? Can we?” begged Lisa holding the aforementioned bucket, with a playful roll of her eyes Jisoo told her, “Yes, sure we can. I need to try that combination of popcorn, I’ve seen it’s quite popular” finally showing her excitement to the maknae.

Lisoo kept stocking on sweet snacks and candy to munch on, that was until Jennie came telling them they needed something else than sweet things, “But unnie, they are so tasty and you’re supposed to eat a lot of sweets on this season” whined Lisa crossing her arms to show her discontent at being told to stop stocking on the sweets, “Lalisa! Do you want your teeth to rot and fall out? I’m not telling you to get rid of everything, just to choose some healthier things as well” berated Jennie with a stern look plastered on her face.

Luckily Rosé came up with the solution to their little fight, “Yeoreobun! Look at what I found… SPOOKY CHIPS!! These ones are in bat and ghost form, can you believe it? These other ones are orange and black, so Halloween coded. These other ones are shaped like pumpkins, we just need some dips” Rosé excitedly showed them.

“Wow, Chaeyoung-ah! They are indeed so cool, now let’s go and find some dips!” said Lisa while grabbing Rosé’s hand and running towards the dip section, while they were getting away Jennie yelled her retort, “I told you there were other options than sweets!”, but the younger ones didn’t hear and continued to run to find more things to buy.

It took them around an hour to finish their shopping, and in the end, they ended up with a wide variety of snacks from candy to chips, beverages like apple cider and hot cocoa, seasonal cups and plates, and even some plushies.

–

Once arriving home they got into their pajamas to be comfier and put their snacks on plates to have a wide range without all the packages in the way, Jen being prepared as always brought some normal cups for everyone but also a couple of sippy cups in case the girls needed them later in the evening.

They started with one of the classics, Scream, the Ghostface movie was such a classic so it couldn’t be missed on their marathon when the movie ended they were a little shaken up but still eager to watch more horror; next came a Korean/Thai movie, to bring some patriotism to their evening, The Medium was the second movie lined up, they ended it with more shock present on their beings; with each film that came they became more and more shaken up, being jumpy at random noises which came from the windy day they have, the line up was filled with more classics like Child’s Play and Halloween, some newer ones like The Mimic, Midsommar, and Bird Box.

So by the time IT came, they were super jumpy, but they laughed it up at the foolishness of their fear since the monsters wouldn’t really come for them, for one of them the anxiousness from the movies was greater, Rosie was little, and had been for a great part of the marathon, she didn’t really remember the exact moment she slipped but the fact remained and that made her get more scared, Lili seemed to be little as well, but she was more adventurous than Rosie so she was less scared and jumpy.

When the movie began playing Rosie cuddled closer to Jennie to seek a little bit of comfort, everything was okay until Pennywise made his first appearance, the clown was so scary, and seeing him wasn’t pleasant, by the middle of the movie she started stimming to self soothe from the fear/anxiousness, unfortunately, it was one of the harmful ones, Rosé started biting her fingers, it started with just sucking them but that wasn’t enough so she bit them.

Jennie caught sight of the stimming when it started and even though it wasn’t ideal she let it slide, but once she snuck a glance again she saw the biting, knowing it was harmful to let her keep doing it, she let Jisoo know about it and told her she was going to fetch one of the girls pacifiers and talk to her to see what had her in such a state.

Grabbing Rosé’s hand she told her to go with her, she took her to her room to grab the pacifier and told her to sit on the bed, “Rosie baby, can you tell me why you are biting your fingers?”, questioned the older one, the younger girl got more nervous which made her start biting her fingers even more, she thought Jennie was mad at her so the anxiousness increased, so she muttered, “No mad at Rosie, p’ease Mama, just… just” and the waterworks started.

Watching her crying Jennie went closer telling her, “Oh my Rosie Posie, Mama isn’t mad at you, I’m just worried about you hurting yourself. So how about you give your fingers to Mama to hold them and Mama will give you a paci, one you can chew and suck so you won’t hurt your fingers again. How you like that idea?” tried to reason with the little girl, thankfully Rosé knew that what she was doing was harming and accepted the pacifier, not before asking her Mama for a favor.

“Mama can hug Rosie p’ease, Rosie scared of da monstews. They so scary!” she screamed hiding in her covers and putting the pacifier in her mouth to help her calm down.

With an achy heart, Jennie answered that of course they could cuddle all she wanted, and they could even watch some more family-friendly movies so they wouldn’t be as scary, Rosé accepted and they went to the living room once again, Jisoo and Lisa were waiting for them with cups filled with tasty hot cocoa to lessen the anxious feeling Rosie was feeling and Coraline was playing now on the TV.

The four girls cuddled on the couch and spent the rest of the evening watching kid-friendly things, once their movie marathon was over they had some tasty dinner before getting ready for bed, deciding to have a sleepover on one of the oldest members' beds to combat the fears that could remain.

#chellesdump #age regression #sfw littlespace #blackpink agere #blackpink little space #blackpink #little rosé #little!lisa #little lisa #cg!jennie #cg jisoo #cg!jisoo #cg jennie #little!rosé #ageretober #ageretober day 6 #ageretober day 7

[kimimraikkonen7]

Q&A with Kimi Raikkonen at the Lotus E20 launch

The 2007 Formula 1 World champion talks of his return to the sport with the lotus F1 Team after two years away in the forests and stages of the World Rally championship.

Why F1?

Formula 1 is something very special in my racing career, and you always want to race at the toughest level, so Formula 1 is where you want to race if you have a choice.

How quickly did the deal come about with the Lotus F1 Team?

Everything came together quite quickly. We shared a common goal and everyone was happy. This was the only way to do it and everything went pretty well from there.

What do you think of the team now you’ve completed two days testing?

I’m happy with the team, they are very nice people, very easy going and it was nice to work with them for the two days I did in the R30. I think we’ll have a lot of fun in the season ahead and hopefully we will get some good results. I want a strong enough car to challenge for good results.

When did you decide to finish rallying and to go back to Formula 1?

When I did the NASCAR races, I enjoyed the racing and I want to do more racing. I still want to do rally and if I could I’d do them both at the same time – but this isn’t possible. For sure I will do rallying again in the future. I want to do racing as I had a really good time in NASCAR racing against other people and I realised that I was missing this – that’s when I decided that if there was a good chance to return properly that I would do it.

If you’d been in rallying with sufficient time could you have been as good as Sébastien Loeb?

I don’t know! I don’t think anyone is as good as him right now! For sure I could have improved, but I don’t know how far. I’d improved last year from where I was in 2010. I went to rallying to see how well I could do and I still think that it’s one of the most difficult sports that I have ever tried. It’s not easy! The guys at the front are very fast, but equally if you put them in a Formula 1 car they would probably have a similar story to me in rallying. I think I would need another couple of years with testing. With rallying there are so many different surfaces and it’s completely different from Formula 1.

What are your thoughts on how F1 has changed since you last competed?

In 2010 I didn’t really follow Formula 1 but I saw more races last year. It doesn’t really look different, but there is overtaking in some different places where people can just drive past by opening the rear wing and the driver in front has no chance to defend himself – so is this really overtaking? I don’t think it counts all the time. But for sure the show is better. The tyres make a difference too, as there is a big speed difference between when the tyres are new and when the tyres are old. In the old Formula 1, you had to be so much faster than the guy in front of you to have any chance to overtake, but now with the tyres and the DRS, it’s different.

Do you have anything to prove with your return?

I think people expect things from me, but as long as I know that I’m giving 100% and I’m happy with my driving then I’m happy. If those aspects are true and it’s not enough, then it’s not enough.

How’s your motivation?

There’s always talk about my motivation, written by people who don’t know me and couldn’t have an idea on how strong my motivation is. If I didn’t feel I had the motivation, I would stop. My feeling is that I probably drove some of my best races in my last season in Formula 1 and I was very happy with my performance. I’ve never had any issues with motivation.

What are your thoughts on KERS and DRS – you didn’t have them when you tested the R30.

I’ve driven with KERS before and DRS is just a button. Once you’ve done it a few times it will become automatic.

How well do you know your new team-mate, Romain Grosjean?

I think we will have a good relationship. I met him before Christmas and I raced against him in 2009. He seems a very nice and normal guy, so I don’t see any problems there.

How is your fitness for Formula 1’s challenges after two years rallying?

For sure, the G forces are different, but you get pretty good G forces in some tarmac rallies. The steering is probably a bit heavier in rallying too. You sit in different position and you use different muscles. Rallying overall is probably not as physically tough in short bursts like Formula 1 but it’s pretty mentally tough as you spend the whole week for about 12 hours a day in a car driving. In this way rallying is much more tiring than Formula 1. The driving itself is more physical in Formula 1, but I’m looking forward to getting more sleep.

Lotus F1 Team is fighting to be back at the front, how can you help in this battle?

In my last year at Ferrari we weren’t always at the front but I’m a good racer and I want to get to the front. Lotus started well last year and we hope that the new car will be strong.

-2012

#kimi raikkonen #kimi räikkönen #formula 1 #lotus f1

[three--rings]

2022 Video Game Wrapup

Video games are a very important part of my life and I felt like doing a year summary.  Feel free to copy the format if you want.

Games I Actually FINISHED This Year

Red Dead Redemption II - First playthough. I started it before the new year but spent almost six months on this.  Didn’t quite 100% it because some of the challenges were too damn hard for me.  But otherwise it was a very completionist run.  This immediately moved into one of my all-time top games, like IDK one of the top three spots.  So glad I gave it a shot after not thinking it was my thing.

AI: The Somnian Files - A game by Uchikoshi that I hadn’t played yet?   Yeah I devoured it.  What can I say, despite it’s weirdness and Uchikoshi quirks, I love it.

AI: The Somnian Files - The Nirvana Initiative - The sequel obviously.  Even more twisty than the first one, if not quite as full of loveable characters. 

80 Days - It’s sorta a game you can play as many times as you want, but I played it three-four times through and felt satisfied. 

Games I’m currently Playing:

Pokémon Violet - I’m trying to keep myself from stalling on this.  I need to go fight the Elite Four but I’m scared.  So I’m running around looking for missing low-level dudes.

Pentiment - Bought in the Steam Winter sale, started on Xmas eve.  I’m two acts in and really want to restart cause I’ve done everything wrong but I persist.  This game is very strange.  But medieval monk murder mystery how could I NOT play it?

Games I’m still playing, more or less:

Life Sims:

Stardew Valley - The eternal, basically.  I started a brand new game with Stardew Valley Extended and a light selection of about 30 mods when I had Covid and played it obsessively to get farther than I ever had before.  Got 100 golden walnuts, and basically was just working on making money to get True Perfection when I got tired and haven’t touched it for months.

Traveller’s Rest - A really great game in which you run a tavern.  I played it intensely when it first released, before they redid the whole thing.  Then didn’t touch it for a long time, played it a little around Halloween cause they did seasonal stuff and thought real hard about playing the Christmas content but didn’t. 

Dinkum: A fantastic one-man game that’s combo animal crossing and stardew in Australia.  Played it INTENSELY for a couple weeks before running out of stuff to do that compelled me.  I think there’s been several updates but nothing that had tempted me back.

Coral Island - I backed this on Kickstarter and so played this on early access release.  Really compelling and fun but I ran through the content quickly.  There’s been some major updates recently so I’ll get back to it soon.

The Planet Crafter - Played this intensely for a few days and after 10 hours ran out of new places to go and got bored.  I’ve tried to play it again a few times since then and last time I wanted to go further with it but the controls hurt my arthritis hands now.  So until they allow remapping controls, I think I’m out.

Wildermyth - A really fun little game where you follow characters through their adventuring careers.  Fun to make your own blorbo characters and see what happens to them.  Played it a LOT at the beginning of the year and nearly forgot to include it.  Could always pick it up again to return to my MXTX verse.

Games I’m MOSTLY done with but can’t make myself finish:

Bear and Breakfast - A weird game about inn management that starts chill but gets really annoying.  I got almost done with this game, but got to a point I needed to just make a lot of money to fully upgrade all my hotels to achieve things so the endgame would happen and by then I was annoyed.  I hear the ending is wild though so I kinda want to actually finish it since I went so far with it.  But I can’t work up the desire to get back.  

Persona 4 Golden - I’d never played a Persona game even though they are totally My Kinda Thing because I’m just not a playstation person.  Went through it quickly but then uh got stuck on one of the last bosses, maybe THE last, IDK I am still trying to avoid spoiling myself.  Even lowered the difficulty one notch and couldn’t beat it so either I needed to grind or lower it all the way.  And then I didn’t.

Disco Elysium - Yeah uh got to a point where either I need to move on to like the end of the story (ish?) or finish all these sidequests I’m stuck on and didn’t know what to do with.  And then I just didn’t go back.  Yes this is a problem for me.

Pokémon Legends: Arceus - I started this when Scarlet and Violet came out and I found it uh, conveniently online...and then I got stuck on the stupid Arcanine boss and then I found a Violet repack and yeah, that’s the story of that.  Not sure if I’ll go back to it or not at this point. 

Games I really need to make myself get back to but it’s been so long it’s embarrassing aka did I even play these this year, IDK?:

Great Ace Attorney Chronicles II - Uh, yeah, I need to finish this considering how long I waited for it.  Scheduled to travel with me in January.

Fire Emblem Three Houses - I finished it once and am like halfway through my second playthrough but got distracted.  Again, traveling with my Switch is my plan to make me finish this.

Danganronpa V3 - This I definitely haven’t touched in like a year and a half, so much that I have to restart from the beginning because I remember almost nothing.  I just finished rewatching the anime specifically to get me back to it.  I’m like 40 hours in and remember nothing if that tells you anything about me.

Elder Scrolls: Oblivion - Again, pretty sure this wasn’t this year but I got really far in a play of this on my Xbox, but like Skyrim how do you know when you’re FINISHED.  I want to play it on my laptop with mods next time.

Games I played but gave up on:

Interrogation: You Will Be Deceived - I actually bought this accidentally, thinking it was a different game about interrogation and detecting lies that I’d been recced.  This game ended up being just Police Brutality Simulator.  It’s just “illegally abuse this witness to get Vital Info that will Save the Day” the game.  I  think I lasted 20 minutes.

Strange Horticulture - I thought there would be more story to this game but it’s mostly just identifying plants and then trying to guess the right ingredients of potions.  Okay for a while but not compelling enough to keep me interested. 

#video games #threerings' plays games #threerings' recs #these are almost all recs

[ageless-aislynn]

Slow burn and I’m loving it, nobody asked for a time reference in every chapter but I’ve been doing it anyway

Yay, thanks so much for playing along! 😎

Slow burn and I’m loving it, nobody asked for a time reference in every chapter but I’ve been doing it anyway 🤷‍♀️😉 (Halo series) aka "15 Minutes" (John/Reader) ⭐💖⭐

Chapter 6 is going to be super-sized since it's been *coughcough* months since ch5 and has a surprise guest star from the game world in it! No one else might care about the guest star but hey, I do and since I'm steering the boat... *beep beep* GUEST STAR! 😂

Anyway, in lieu of sharing a part of ch6 since it's hopefully going to be appearing this next week 🤞😣🤞 how about I tell you a couple of things I may not have mentioned before about it?

Originally, it was going to be John/OC instead of Reader, which is why she sometimes seems to have a lot more in common with an OC. However, she doesn't have a description, other than the fact she's shorter than John. Beyond that, she can be anyone, so I hope that anybody reading it can still feel like it's easy to project themselves as her, if that's what they'd like. Or that you can read the second tense “you” as being a form of first tense “I” and not consider that she is YOU but just a character you're reading along with. I hope that makes sense, lol! I mainly want my fics to be as inclusive and enjoyable as possible. (Kai has a male Reader over in the companion fic "Recreation" and "No Time" has a gender-neutral Reader with John.)

Also, yes, she does have a name but  I'm honor-bound to not reveal it. 😁(Same for Kai's Reader character in "Recreation;" I gave him a name, too, just so he doesn't feel left out. 😉)

Originally, this was meant to be a one-shot to fill my burning need to give John a hug after Halo 1x06 where the poor guy is practically screaming in pain and slumping down a wall and everybody's just like, "Hm, wonder what's wrong with Chief? Welp, on with my day!"

C'mon, Chief clearly needs a hug! And a medic. But definitely a hug!

Once there was interest to read more about them, though, I began using this as a chance to incorporate a bunch of my favorite tropes to read/write. I also liked the chance to explore a bit of the "ordinary" world that would be going on around all of the adventure and derring-do that Silver Team is embarking on during season 1.

I'm also feeling free to jump in the AU Warthog to weave in and out of canon however it best suits me, lol.

Into the AU party ‘hog, frens! Woo-hoo! (I adore the custom weapons and vehicle skins so much I made a little vid for them, lol.)

I enjoy making up little AU GIFs to go with each chapter but soon realized that it was more of a challenge than I originally expected because, since I don’t want to show any part of the Reader and thus define her skin color, hair color/type/length etc. But I’ll keep coming up with something for as long as I can!

I don’t have a set number of chapters this is projected to run but I’m guestimating... 🤔 quite a few. 😂 There’s still just so much I have planned for them! And I do have an ending for them that will bring us back kinda to the end of s1. The AU Warthog version of s1, anyway!

I’m hoping to get my couple of other Flash WIPs finished off then I’ll be coming back to this and “Recreation” in order to hopefully get them on a bit more timely posting schedule. I would ideally like them both to finish before s2 premieres in Spring 2023. We’ll see!

And there we have it! Thanks again! 😎👍

WIP folder ask game

#wip folder ask game #ask game #authortobenamedlater #thank you #halo #master chief x reader #ageless aislynn

[magnus-sm-writes]

February Wrap-Up!

It’s the shortest month of the year, and it’s time for the monthly wrap-up (which I haven’t done in some time). One of my main goals this year is consistency. Expect more monthly wrap-ups!

February is my third favorite month (March > October > February, I have opinions on the months), and it’s been the month where I’ve decided to attempt to get my life in order. This has everything to do with attempting to not get stuck in my seasonal depression hole and attempting to make myself more comfortable following my biannual neurodivergent meltdown (realizing the world isn’t made for me and freaking out about it). The world is difficult to live in if your brain isn’t built correctly for it.

Anyways, I’m quite pleased with how this month has gone for me.

Let’s move on to the neatly-organized categories!

Writing journal

I made an Instagram post about this, but I ended up with two bullet journals, so I use one for work and one for… work. Writing, that is. The work that I don’t get paid for but still love. (Yes, I love my full-time job, too, but it’s more of a side piece to me.)

My writing journal has been essential for keeping me consistent and accountable. (Except for the eleven days I forgot my journal was in the living room. ADHD for the win.)

But when it comes to my goals, I would say I reached more this month than I did in January.

My layout for February was super simplistic and based on the bare-bones functionality of my work journal. It’s not pretty to look at. I changed that in my March layout, so please bear with me.

The goals I reached this month were:

Continue re-writing a novel

Keep word count & submission journal

Make monthly wrap-up

Write in a café

I read three books: Teaching my Mother to Give Birth by Warsan Shire (twice), Magic for Beginners by Kelly Link, and In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Macahdo. I loved all of them. In fact, I resonated so deeply with In the Dream House that I actually purchased it.

The next page is just a couple short stories I was working on: “Communion” & “The Boy & the Hag Stone”. I did not finish “Hag Stone”. In fact, I didn’t finish a single short story this month.

My “words written” page is prettier, but still incredibly functional. Then my “poetry written” page. Overall, a very simple layout.

My writing journal is crucial to keeping me on schedule. If you are riddled with neurodivergence like me, the advice is true: keeping track of what I do has actually helped me stay with my goals and get some major work done.

Word Count

I’m rather happy with my word count this month! I’ve recorded writing 27,748 words, though I did forget to record my word count for about 11 days, as I accidentally lost track of my writing journal (as mentioned above).

What have I been writing?

In early February, I wrote 12 poems. That’s fantastic, in terms of poetry-writing. I wrote a little bit of Greenest and some stuff for OC Kiss Week, but a great chunk of my word count comes from my Hamish rewrite. It seems like I only want to write Hamish in the more wintry months, as February seems to be the month I’m most inspired to write it.

If you don’t know about Hamish, I encourage you to visit my WIP post about it. Basically, it’s a modern interpretation of Shakespeare’s Hamlet. In short: it’s a gothic horror told in first person referral (I to you).

It’s an older work, compared to what I’m currently writing. A relic from the days where I believed that I could only write contemporary literary fiction instead of what I tend to write now (fantasy, horror, & sci-fi). However, I can now add my own spin to what was originally a work grounded in reality. (That is, make it more like a gothic horror novel.)

I’m hoping to make an update post about it, since I’ve doubled my typical 10,000 word goal. I’ve been pretty busy with trying to meet all my goals as of late, and posting has taken the back burner as opposed to attempting to overcome my seasonal depression.

(Maybe writing Hamish isn’t the healthiest option, but the vibes are there.)

I am a little burnt out at the moment when it comes to Hamish. I’m in what I call the “27k slump”, which is where I get demotivated at around 27,000 words in a project. The end of Act I tends to be difficult for me. This problem results in sagging middle, which is an issue I struggle with in a lot of my novels. I’m still trying to find a way to circumvent this.

In March, I hope to play with some sci-fi!

Publications

I don’t have any publications to show for February, but I did get my novelette Body rejected by a publisher, so I’m proud of myself for putting myself out there.

Looking forward!

(Hopefully I’ll remember to take a picture of my journal layout for March. If not, check out my Instagram for some updates. Gotta self-promote as much as possible in this wild west that is the writernet.)

My March layout is more complex than the February one, which is an upside of a bullet journal format. I can modify it whenever I need to.

My biggest goals in March are:

Finish 1 short story

Go to the library 2 times

Write in a café 2 times

Maintain submission & word count journals

Read 10 pages a day

Finish 2 audiobooks

Submit 2 stories for publication

I think these goals are me realistically pushing myself. I probably won’t reach all of these goals, but that’s okay. The point is to foster good habits instead of reaching perfection.

On the lower corner of my “big goals” page is a “best poems” section, where I will write down my favorite poems of the month. Like a monthly playlist of poems. I’m hoping I’ll use this a bit this month, but if not, it’s no sweat.

Then it’s my “books read”, “stories written”, and “want to read” page. My “want to read” section is a lot of books that James Clear recommended, because I’m on a self-help kick right now and I like reading his articles. I’ve also got some general books I want to read this year or month. Since it’s Women’s History Month, I want to include some more female authors.

My “books read” and “stories written” section for February were far larger than they needed to be last month, so I made them smaller for March.

Next is my “words written” and “poems written” page, which I will definitely be using the most. I’m attempting to write every day and note it. It’s easier to write a poem than a short story or novel, so I made the section just a little bigger. Mostly, this is a word count tracker.

The next page is blank. I think I might do a tracker or brain dump page, or both. I’m constantly brainstorming ideas, so having something with me all the time is essential.

Personal Life

As some of y’all might know, my birthday is in March! I am doing a Golden Birthday Bonanza, where I do a little retrospective on my eleven years of writing with the intent to publish. Let me know if you have anything you’d like to hear about during my week of birthday fun. Q&A is officially open!

[berlinbabylon]

review of s4 (skip if you don’t want to read criticism)

SPOILER WARNING

so, i finished season 4 a couple of days ago and... i liked some parts of it and one episode was good (episode 8) but for the most part i really absolutely hated this season and i never thought i would say that. in my opinion, it actually got worse towards the end! i must be living in a different reality from everyone else.

i’m sorry. i really am. but i have to get this off my chest:

- charlotte double-wielding guns and shooting up those white hand idiots like she’s in a john woo movie? awesome! except... it was dumb af. this could have been so good, i’m a huge genre fan of this type of action, but not at the expense of a character’s intelligence. there was zero reason for her to barge in there when she did. at least make it seem like they’re just about to kill the good pathologist, have them string him up or whatever and she sees and has absolutely no alternative but to intervene. or have them conclude their meeting and start making for the door. please, i’m begging, just anything to make her desperate actions make sense.

- malu taking a shot for kiddie fiddler wendt? thanks, i fucking hate it. for that matter, i hate what they did to wendt’s character.

- for that matter, awesome lgbt+ rep or uhmm not. reinhold and fred don’t even get a kiss or any significant scene together (the couples date at the very end is cute but too little too late) although fred actually has a fairly important role to play this season. we never even really get to see them talk about his decision to work for that nazi paper. like, what. okay, fred quits at the end, good for him, but does this qualify as a character arc now?

- speaking of lgbt+ rep, them blowing up the esther/edgar/walter polycule only to have walter go “well whattaya gonna do. i loved him ¯\_(ツ)_/¯” right as he croaks was the most ridiculous thing i’ve seen in a long while and didn’t land at all. i actually cackled. i can’t believe they turned the complex dynamic they had introduced in s3 into this clichéd jealousy mess that had no nuance whatsoever. i’m stunned people preferred their storyline this season. it didn’t track at all. neither did edgar showing up again (as i had predicted) and gereon believing him about wanting to broker peace in the underworld. el oh el.

- also edgar being like “oh btw we need to kill doktor schmidt, he’s an evil mastermind” was an absolutely ridiculous and lame way to try and advance that storyline. it also just got dumped in there and you don’t get any sense that it’s influencing gereon or his character actions at all. not that he has much of an arc or anything this season anyway but back when the show was still good (and by good i mean exceptional), his drug addiction and guilt complex was a major driving force behind much of what he did, how he behaved at work etc. here, in s4, you have to be grateful that they belatedly remember to send him to confession because he’s a catholic but that scene also just unceremoniously gets dumped in there. not to compare but since we have already seen an absolutely outstanding confession scene this tv season (in interview with the vampire, fabulously acted by jacob anderson), i couldn’t help but notice how the confession with gereon was neither written well, nor particularly acted well, nor integrated in its episode well, nor, in fact, scored well.

- max raabe’s ein tag wie gold is a bop but other than that, this season was not scored well and i say that as someone who owns the first two soundtrack releases on vinyl. there were many times when i noticed that something was off, where the music actively worked against the scene it was supposed to be enhancing. the song at the shabbat dinner was nice but as a jewish friend who i watched it with pointed out, them playing piano on shabbat is very sus, even if they’re a reform household. there was a woman with a wig which indicates (ultra) orthodox. not going to nitpick that scene any further though because the shabbat dinner and abe goldstein’s character in general were a highlight (although i loathed the storyline he was stuck in).

- tell me you don’t want to write actors out of the show without telling me. nyssen and helga have long overstayed their welcome. nyssen they could justify by having him pop up from time to time in connection to the rocket science “plot”. but he’s lars eidinger (who’s great), so. helga has just become whatever they needed her to be. anne marie’s actress had some extremely dodgy acting going on this season, sorry to say. i don’t even want to talk about the idiocy of how they wrote this storyline which could have been extremely good and important. i’ll just say that i laughed my ass off when anne marie clocked abe with her flute but generally it was not a good choice to play these kidnappings for laughs (and i guess these rich people just have no security whatsoever, even after the first kidnapping). there’s a time and a place and this storyline wasn’t it. but rich people, funny, or something. well, they are ridiculous.

- the whole story with the butler. talk about wasting screentime. his götz von berlichingen monologue was also really bad although i was delighted when i heard the verses. it just didn’t land. that goes for many scenes this season imo. i don’t know if it was the directing or what but even stuff that looks interesting on paper just does not come across well. it just comes across as ridiculous and manieriert. but not in the good way. (there is a way to do this well and the show used to walk that line very well. not anymore, it seems.)

- (side note: the frivolity of the movie industry provided the perfect pastiche for that sort of thing in s3. which is why i really vibe with it, as someone who’s a huge fan of 1930s movies. didn’t even mind that they relocated the apex of expressionism into the late 1920s when that’s very ahistorical. but anyway that’s a different topic.)

- actually as a last point on the nyssen storyline, abe goldstein shooting a hole in the ship instead of shooting anne marie in the head made me groan. it was so obviously written that way just to give her a chance to pop up later again. it made absolutely no sense, even if you try to handwave it as an attempt at poetic justice. neither did helga leaving her down there make any sense. she had no way of knowing that abe would kill her or make it seem like he killed her. at that point, helga still looked like she could think straight, she didn’t tumble around deliriously, she made a clear choice. and they just did it for the twist, not because it made sense for the character in that moment.

- the show was always very drunk on coincidences, twists of fate etc in that 19th century charles dickens / victor hugo way and i could dig that for the most part because they had this rich tapestry of social commentary going on. while i can still appreciate the breadth of society that they’re trying to show, it now comes across as shallow, there’s no immersion, i was extremely distanced from everything going on and couldn’t have cared less, which is a damn shame considering that this is where we should start feeling even more involved.

- as for one storyline that i couldn’t have cared less about: everything to do with toni. in fact, i think it would have been far more poignant if we hadn’t seen her for a season and hadn’t known what had become of her after running away and then when we least expect it, charlotte comes across her living on the streets, maybe while chasing a suspect or something. now that’s a coincidence i could buy. and such a scene would play like a gut punch. but they rob themselves of any dramatic impact by wanting to overexplain and overshow and being all pedagogical which is a huge problem in the writing of german tv shows and s4 of babylon berlin has started showing all the hallmarks of mediocre german tv and it makes me feel sick, considering how stylish and epic the previous seasons were.

- toni’s actress is not good. i’m sorry. i just have to say it. but also, they stuck her in a nothing storyline. moritz’ actor fares better but if they wanted to pair off the spares and get rid of them, they needed to do that in a way that would’ve left more screentime for the interesting and/or relevant stuff. like, uhm, everything to do with malu/litten/charlotte etc. it’s a damn crime that they didn’t do anything with lotte being fired from the police and then hired by litten. nothing. she gets to mope around at the bar a little bit and poor jacky gets to be her hapless sounding board (he deserves better, so many characters and actors in this cast deserve better). and then she gets to be gereon’s emotional support system. once again, charlotte is deprived of any and all agency and no, the double-wielding scene does not make up for it. the scenes in that haus sonneborn institution were well-shot, the horror film genre influence was clear, but unfortunately i don’t much care for horror films and i also, at that point, did not much care for toni or her friend or the pathologist (f*ck him for getting rudi killed in a very lame rip-off of stephan’s much superior exit) and we all knew lotte wasn’t going to die. that’s what i mean by immersiveness: where in previous seasons i’d have been on the edge of my seat with tension and dread, this didn’t elicit much emotion from me at all. except for the groan when lotte did her thing at the end there. the only good thing to come out of that was her conversation with gereon about her guilt which was the only time in the entire season where i believed a scene between them, emotionally, and was invested.

- i guess that, on the bright side, she got to be happy. i support that. even though i don’t believe it should have to come at the expense of the show being good. and she still had to go through that awful ordeal of the dance marathon. (one of the few memorable scenes of the season, at the very least.)

- random but i very much liked the actor playing oskar. and he was very much underutilized. really, don’t get me started on the entire debacle that was malu’s storyline. i think i’d rather have watched an entire season set on that zeppelin than what we ended up with.

- litten not even being in the finale should actually be considered a crime against humanity considering he’s literally the best character on the show at this point. for that matter, the trial against katelbach and the undermining of the legal system and the press should have been a much bigger arc and point. katelbach still being a comic relief character only used to bumble about not knowing whether he did propose to behnke or not is absolutely ridiculous. these are the characters we’ve come to know and care about and they were paid absolute dirt in s4. behnke’s best scene was the train heist and even that was not edited or scored well but hey, at least it was amusing and they did something with some sort of flair there.

- going back to lotte for a moment. i’m happy for the charlotte/gereon shippers that they got so much fucking out of them this season (to be crude, then again so is the show) but i can’t be the only one who thought they were awkward as all hell together. i never shipped them but i did always like their dynamic and i thought their kiss in s3 was magical. what they did with them here did absolutely nothing for me, i cringed when she visited him at the station and their idea of sexy talk in between kisses was discussing case-related work. none of it had the levity, flirtation or charm you’d see in a lubitsch film (one of the alleged inspos for this season) although liv lisa fries sold the hell out of her infatuated smiles and looks. volker bruch trying to smile was physically painful to me, however. sure, it could be charming that he’s an awkward turtle duck but considering everything we know about the bts issues, it really didn’t endear me any further. i dread having to watch them be awkward together in future seasons and i absolutely dread lotte’s only purpose being tied up in that. for that matter, how did she earn her badge back at the end? surely not with her double-wielding gun action? but it’s not like the show really cared to pursue this as a storyline or her as a character this season, so why should i care.

- the way they threw rukeli in there at the very end of the season was almost offensively bad. i was extremely excited for him to show up ever since they had insinuated that he’s her half-brother in s3. the actor here was fine (i wouldn’t count on him being accurately or sensitively cast bc german productions usually don’t do this, haven’t checked it, however) but you’re really going to do a whole season where boxing is at the very least on the periphery and you’re only going to throw him in at the end to make some sort of point? we didn’t even get to stay with him and lotte during their first meeting? we’re just supposed to believe they have some sort of relationship now after that camera shot panned out, showing them through the window of the café? i’m sorry but what?

- worst of all: them having him use chalk as white paint to mock the nazis in the audience to make a point. you can’t make a character we’ve barely even met the dramatic and emotional high point of the season. and i’m sorry but rukeli was a real person and in real life he was forced to present himself with bleached hair and white paint in an “aryanized” form, this was part of the abuse he suffered!!! it makes me absolutely mad to think about how they tried to turn this into some kind of empowerment thing here. nevermind that at this point in time, audiences were still overwhelmingly on his side and actually protested against fights being rigged against him. i just absolutely hate everything this scene chooses to be. i also hate how gereon walks up to that one guy who can command~ the crowd and we get a flashback to something that happened in the same episode, like, just 30 minutes earlier, to remind us that this is the guy he refused to shoot so they can defuse the situation in the dumbest most construed way possible. i feel like i’m losing my mind when i see people say that this is good writing. good writing would have involved audiences not needing a flashback to something that happened in the same episode, just because almost nothing in this season is giving anything resembling the appropriate weight and focus.

- speaking of which, the case of the season was so uninteresting and lame i even forgot to talk about it. and i still don’t have anything to say. except one thing: why did weintraub not immediately suspect that something was up with max (the henchman) when that car bomb went up killing the other henchman? because weintraub arrived in the car, went inside, came back outside and suddenly a bomb has been attached to his car in the meantime and max was standing there all the time? like, what?? this season is littered with this dumb shit and maybe it was prevalent in the other seasons as well and i just chose to overlook it because there was so much for me to love but i genuinely can’t believe five adults wrote this season and struggled so much with thinking any of it through. it feels like they just had little chess figures with pictures of the characters attached to them and tried moving them across a board.

- oh and one more thing about the flashback issue. böhm and his family being in that apartment at the very end was an absolutely ridiculous scene. his money issues were well-telegraphed, a little too well-telegraphed if you ask me, and his involvement in the shoot-up was already extremely obvious by the time his wife demands to know where he’s got his money from. that bit where he collapses against the wall and we get all these flashbacks to things an audience that’s half-way intelligent and half-way paying attention has already gotten long ago was just embarrassing for the show. the issue wasn’t just with the flashback, however, it was also with the way it was shot and edited. so many scenes this season really don’t land as intended. i feel bad for the actors because they’re doing their best and they’re also not at fault for this weird issue in german shows where they do really bad ADR (re-dubbing scenes when there were sound issues in the footage from set, it makes dialogue sound very unnatural and strange and the show always had this issue in certain scenes but in this season it’s amplified to the max, i almost couldn’t watch the edgar/gereon reunion because of the bad sound engineering). but woof that böhm family scene could have been a highlight but the way he creepily said something to the effect of them never being separated (probably telegraphing an eventual fate that we call “erweiterter suizid” in german where usually a man kills his family and then himself) and then the show just straight up cutting to the nyssen last will scene without giving any of it the time to sink in was absolutely comical. i’m sorry. but there are scenes this season that feel amateur and i don’t think you can blame it on covid when the editing is at issue.

- having said all of that, i was excited for gereon’s arc this season and imo they never did anything of note with him undercover in the SA. why not have him befriend stennes for real, become conflicted about what he’s trying to do (and, well, in fact him and the police president do want stennes to succeed so it wouldn’t even have been that outlandish). him talking to the police president about the mission at home while his very much indoctrinated nephew is in listening distance was so so dumb omg.

- the stennes putsch which i also was very much looking forward to was such a flop that fizzled out without any real spark. his confrontation with wendt was lame af. the actor is awesome, his interactions with wendt in s3 were intriguing and this what it all leads up to? gdi. i can’t believe they wasted so much time on that homophobic blackmail material plot when it was never even picked up again after it got stennes out of prison. he never should have gone to prison before the putsch, he already had his conflict with wendt from last season, they could have saved so much time on this and dedicated it to something actually interesting. and if you actually want to get into the messiness of homophobia and homosexuality in the SA, röhm and all, you better be prepared to bring on figures like magnus hirschfeld (it’s honestly ridiculous he hasn’t even been referenced on the show yet because he was super famous in berlin and germany in general and also a favorite target of the nazis). reference the harden-eulenburg affair. do something with this. not just have wendt buggering a kid in a park. i like that gräf was quietly pissed at gereon about the whole thing but this should never have been a storyline in the way it was implemented.

- it really ruined wendt on top of things. not that it made him worse as a person because he was already bad before (though lbr it did make him worse ofc) but it made him a whole lot more uninteresting as a villain (he only seemed to find his groove back in the last two episodes). the interesting part of his dynamic with malu in s3 was the intellectual clash of ideologies. while i did not and do not ship them, i was very intrigued to see where they would take that in s4. well, i have my answer. they skipped any and all interesting and relevant development and turned it into an extremely clichéd and lame honey trap plot because we all know communists loved honey traps. groan. (yes, i watched the americans.) also, rilke is my favourite poet and has been for many many years and wendt needs to keep his words out of his damn mouth. i can’t believe they revealed that wendt used to sexually abuse underaged boys and still wanted us to think that his relationship with malu is in any way romantic, cute or intriguing?

- i was so rooting for doktor völcker to get him and then malu just had to take a bullet for him. bruh. just when i thought i couldn’t hate this season more. i know i already mentioned it but still. at least she didn’t die from it, small blessings, but her getting shot straight through the chest and then being back to spy shenanigans on the zeppelin not much later was just the height of ridiculousness. i always hated the train confrontation between gereon and bruno and it seems that the show is very very determined to evermore move towards that pulpy comic book-y version of the show that i can barely tolerate in order to get to the good stuff. but when there’s barely any good stuff to get to, it gets tough.

- do i even want to talk about edgar? him taking the kids away from esther was lame. anything to do with esther was lame. i can’t even muster more to say and edgar/gereon was one of my absolute favourite dynamics in s1/2 so i should’ve been overjoyed to see it make a return here. but, in the eternal words of the matrix: not like this.

- finally, doktor schmidt, eh? well. where to begin. first of all, jens harzer is one of the best living german actors, he’s phenomenal, and the fact that he still gets so little development is a fucking joke, frankly speaking. i might have liked his scene with alfred lying on the floor best. at least it was funny. his sessions with gereon were hamfisted in their analogies. his last scene with gereon also didn’t land, it was just groan-worthy. gereon repeating back his words just made it all the more obvious how much of their luster they have lost at this point. i can’t believe someone spoke schmidt’s platitudes in a serious way like some sort of cool mic drop when the “quelle der angst” stuff only works in that hypnotic evil drugged out therapy session way jens harzer says it. the cgi was also bad but that’s neither here nor there (there was a surprising number of badly lit and framed scenes in this season, idk if they changed cinematographers but even the staple shot of following a centered gereon with his hat around became extremely overused). the thing is that i’ve long been convinced that doktor schmidt isn’t actually anno / gereon’s brother, so i should be happy that he seems to be finally be revealed as a svengali type which i also find very fitting for the movies and culture the show references as well as the history it tries to reflect (in fact, this season was as thematically rich as ever, with many metaphors and analogies for the rise of evil etc etc but what good is that if it’s all pedagogical and the actual character writing is either non-existent or utter bullshit?). they’ve dragged this out for too long now. they also, and this might be the worst offense, have completely lost the connection gereon is supposed to have to this plot. nevermind helga or moritz. have doktor schmidt be a svengali figure, fine, love that, i vibe with it, but that doesn’t mean this plot should have no advancement. it really feels like they treaded water for as long as they could because they only had a very vague idea of where they wanted to go with this and still needed to figure out the details. well, hire some fucking writers (and by that i don’t mean hire your wife, like one of the director/writers did for s4).

- i’ve really come to loathe this very german tradition of producers, directors and others thinking they can write scripts themselves and that there are barely any decent writers around who are just that, writers. we have some that are barely okay but the structural issues of underpayment etc ensure that the talent that exists can’t turn this into a job. instead you really just have nepotism and all those people who think they can write but where the wheels eventually come off. now i’ve loved babylon berlin for a very long time, i’ve been there since the beginning, i’ve actually been there since the first press announcement (the show spent a lot of time in production hell before s1/2 saw the light of day, the budget kept ballooning etc). and i will say that i think the first three seasons featured some of the best that german tv has to offer. (s3 slightly less so but it was still entertaining and i think they did a really good job introducing a number of great characters like malu and litten in it, plus sabin tambrea is always fun!) but i must now question whether i was not more so taken in by the direction, the music, the style, and some very expertly shot and executed scenes that the show either cannot or does not want to afford anymore. the type of scenes that are needed to let the wild and often nonsensical plotting breathe and give the characters a chance to shine, to give all of it depth and resonance. i’m really so profoundly sad by the direction this show’s quality has taken and i have no idea whether it’s because one of the directors did more this season than the others, whether it was because of the new writers (i hope not). whatever happened, they had enough prep time and this just ain’t it.

- last point: i know how annoying it is when a show that you love gets hated on by others, so this is the last thing i’ll say about that. but i really needed to get this off my chest because i’ve been loving the show for a very long time, i’ve been investing a lot of time (not so much in recent years but before that) into spreading the word, at least here on tumblr and irl where i got several people into the show who all disliked s4 as well btw, i loved making gifs (which is also why i’d say i have a very good eye for the cinematography and style of the show and all the finer details but gif-making isn’t a real credential ofc lol). and i’m usually quite chill about stuff, i’m neither a super stan even when i love something (which is also why i didn’t watch it first thing it came out) nor am i a hater when i don’t like something but a case like this, where i genuinely loved something and it turns sour, that hurts, man. i’ll probably watch the next season - if there’s a next season! - because i still hold out hope that it might be better, i think it’s an important history to tell and the show had everything set up in order to tell it. there are two gif sets i want to make of this season (which is also always a good gauge for me to tell how i feel about something, and even those sets aren’t sets i absolutely want to do but i’ll do them nonetheless at some point; probably). after that i don’t think i will use this blog much anymore but i’ll keep it online for as long as tumblr is online because i always find it annoying when other people delete their stuff.

so long und auf wiedersehen!

#babylon berlin #babylon berlin spoilers #s4 #i realize that this a long post of mostly negativity which i do apologize for but i hope someone might find some validation in this #if they have the same opinion #for those of you who don't i hope you don't take this to heart because most of it is really a matter of taste #and things that i'm peculiar about i suppose #i do believe s4 has objective issues with quality (yes also in comparison with the much-maligned s3) #but that's neither here nor there #i just wanted to get my personal grievances off my chest #all the best to everyone and if you still enjoy the show - good for you! #i mean that genuinely

[artbookisland]

What I’m reading these days #5

Previously:

* What I’m reading these days #01 * What I’m reading these days #02 * What I’m reading these days #03 * What I’m reading these days #04

Hey everyone, I hope you're doing all right! It's been a long while since I wrote one of these posts, almost 5 years actually... Yeah, recently I've been more focused on sharing scans than texts like these or artbook reviews, sorry!

Anway, these days I'm reading four cool books at once so I figured I could make you (re)discover something, so let's go!

What a surprise, yes, I'm reading Dragon Ball again, last time was 6 years ago so I thought I could revisit this cool universe that always brings me back to my childhood. In France we have a "Perfect Edition" which has a bigger format than usual mangas, a new translation and all the original colour pages so it's a great pleasure to read! I'm always in awe when looking at Toriyama's watercolours, they were absolutely beautiful.

I'm not going to dive much further into Dragon Ball because I've already talked about it a lot, maybe take a look at this old article. 

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Now something completely different, if you are an avid TV show enthusiast, you might have watched the sci-fi show The Expanse. I discovered it after a few seasons had already aired and really enjoyed it (except maybe the last two seasons which had some flaws in my opinion). I quickly learned that before being on TV it was a very good series of books by a couple of authors writing under a single name: James S.A. Corey. So naturally I started buying and reading these books, loved them and realised that the adaptation was quite good. It took some years but I eventually finished reading the nine books and at that moment, just when I thought I was out of this amazing universe, I saw that there was a collection of The Expanse short stories published under the title Memory's Legion.

So that's what I'm reading right now and just like the rest of the series, it's very cool and definitely fills some interesting holes in the Expanse's lore (plus I always enjoy good sci-fi short stories)! You will learn a little bit more about the guy who came up with the Epstein drive that made space travel a lot easier in the story, the backstory of a cruel but intriguing character (Cortazar), the life of a young Amos (even before he was called Amos), etc. It's a very good read if, like me, you've finished the main series and still want more!

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Let's keep our heads towards the sky for this next book: Moonfire by Norman Mailer. I stumbled upon it in a bookstore in Lyon, France and the cover immediately caught my eye. It's a small but thick book which contains as much text as photos from NASA's Apollo 11 mission (the first time humans beings walked on the Moon back in 1969). Being an astronomy and space exploration fan I just had to buy it and I'm glad I did!

Actually I thought it would be a historico-scientific recollection of this incredible event of the XXth century but that's because I didn't know Norman Mailer! I will let you read his Wikipedia page but he wasn't "just" a writer, he also was a journalist, a poet, an essayist and so on. So instead of simply telling us what happened in that important period of human history, he includes himself in the story as a character and shares his thoughts about the situations, the people, the technology, etc. It makes for a surprising yet very interesting read as he takes this unique opportunity to analyze, criticize even our modern society and more specifically the USA's society of the time.

I'm about halfway through the book and I really enjoy Mailer's way of telling the story but also the incredible photos of the event, most of them taken during the mission itself by astronauts Armstrong, Aldrin and Collins, I cannot stop looking at these shots and wonder what their experience was like. They freakin' walked on another celestial body (actually only two of them did while Collins was busy being the loneliest person in the history of Human life, flying above the far side of the Moon)!

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A couple of my friends work at a local comic book shop and thanks to them I often discover very cool comics, mangas and bandes dessinées (what we call european comics in France). Also it's worth mentioning that the french publisher Urban Comics (they publish a lot of american comics here) is trying to make a selection of their books more affordable and compact for people who don't have much money or space in their home that they can dedicate to comic books. And so in this effort they have started a collection called "Urban Nomad" in which all prices are below 10€ (approx. 10 USD). The first one I picked is Watchmen.

I have watched the movie adaptation when it came out... 14 years ago (ouch!) and really liked it but kind of forgot about it, which is a good thing because now I can re-discover the story in its original format: on paper!

And what a story! Since the first pages I was sucked in by the strength of writer Alan Moore, artist Dave Gibbons and colorist John Higgins. The story is so good and feels so contemporary that I have to keep reminding myself that this was made in 1986-87! If you don't know anything about Watchmen I won't spoil it for you but the story takes place in a version of our world where masked vigilantes are already has-been, one of the reasons being the accidental transformation of a man into a God-like version of himself. Because of this event, the course of history is different from the one we know and live in, and in this context one of the few remaining masked vigilantes (pictured on the cover) is investigating a series of murders among his former colleagues. This is all extremely well integrated into the politico-historic context of the time (though once again it's somewhat different from our reality) and it's easy to recognize the quality of Moore and Gibbons' work!

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Well, that's it for now, I hope you've discovered something, if so let me know! And I'll try not to wait five more years to write a "What I'm reading these days" again. See ya!

#books #comics #manga #Dragon Ball #Akira Toriyama #James SA Corey #The Expanse #Moonfire #Norman Mailer #Watchmen #Alan Moore #Dave Gibbons #John Higgins

[codynaomiswireart]

“Gauze in the Wound” - Part 25, Preview

Hello Tumblr! It’s been a long while!

It’s hard to believe it’s been about five years since I started my “Gauze in the Wound” fic. I wish I had it completed ages ago, but other things in life have had to take priority, and, to be honest, with TTS/RTA itself having wrapped production, a lot of the drive to write fan fiction pieces for it has waned on and off in me during the couple years following its finale. (Plus getting locked out of my Tumblr account for a time didn’t help either.  xP)

However, I’m still very fond of the series, and I do want to bring this piece to a conclusion. So, while I don’t have this next chapter fully finished, I did want to post this preview of chapter 25, as a sort of Advent present for anyone still wanting to read the story! Thank you for your patience! This has been a great fandom to be a part of, and I miss the days of geeking out over new episodes and coming up with theories for what was in store next!

I hope you’re all doing well, and are looking forward to a wonderful Christmas season!

All the best, ~ Cody

AS ALWAYS, THIS PREVIEW IS SUBJECT TO CHANGE BEFORE THE FINAL DRAFT!

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"Forgiveness is the name of love practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all people love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour increasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family." ~ Henri Nouwen

“Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.”  ~ C. S. Lewis

“I closed me eyes, I couldn’t see And now I’ve lost all I could be I disappeared, faded away Gave up my world, but now I pray, ‘Give me a chance to mend Let it begin, don’t let it end!’

I wanna live again! I wanna live again! If I could go back then I’d do it all again One day I’m gonna die But I’ll put up a fight till then If I could live again I wanna live again!

When things got hard, I lost control I’d take it back with all my soul Here in this hell, it’s sinkin’ in The slice of heaven I was livin’ in Give me the chance to start Breathin’ it in with all of my heart!

I wanna live again! I wanna live again! If I could go back then I’d do it all again One day I’m gonna die But I’ll put up a fight till then If I could live again I wanna live again…!”

~ “Live Again” by Jeremy Jordan

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“I am Lord Demanitus…”

Of course, at these words, Varian immediately thought of when Zhan Tiri had fooled him with his own lies about being Lord Demanitus. Varian shook his head, certain that Zhan Tiri was just feeding him more illusions. He couldn’t trust this man!

“No!” Varian yelped, taking a step back, feeling the light of the silver people grow more intense behind him as he did so. It made a shudder run up his spine, but the figures behind him didn’t seem at all alarmed as Varian continued to cry out. “D-don’t try this with me again Zhan Tiri! I know it’s you! Y-you’re not going to take me in again, you hear!? I won’t let you!”

But the man only smiled sympathetically before calmly removing one of his gloves. He then held up his bare hand, the back of it glowing with a mark emblazoned upon it. It was the same mark that Varian had seen decorating several of his father’s things that he’d left behind after…after being sealed in the amber – a circle with three marks slashed across one side.

“I understand, Varian,” the man said gently. “But hear me, my son, and know the truth.”

Varian could see the mark on the back of the man’s hand begin to glow brighter and the blue streak in Varian’s hair also lit up in tandem. He heard in his mind the resonance of bright, silvery tones ringing out in beautiful harmony together; quite the opposite to the dull, lulling, droning thrum he’d heard from Zhan Tiri’s magic before.

Somehow, in that moment, Varian knew the truth in the man’s words.

This really WAS Lord Demanitus! Somehow, against all odds and all logic, it was him!

…And he was also one of Varian’s distant relatives!

[“Ab herede Demanitus… “Heir of Demanitus…”]

Seeing the look of realization dawn in Varian’s eyes, Demanitus withdrew his hand, and redonned his glove.

“But I…I don’t understand,” Varian said in a small voice, again conscious of the legions of people surrounding him as he hugged his arms round himself. “What’s going on? Why are you here? Why are-?” Varian swallowed, casting his eyes downward. “Why are you all here? Am-am I just seeing things? Have I gone crazy? I mean, aren’t you all…?”

“Dead?” Demanitus said, finishing Varian’s sentence. Varian bit his bottom lip in response, lowered his eyes again, and conceded a small nod, nervous about offending those standing around him. Perhaps the dead didn’t like to be reminded of the fact.

“Do not be afraid Varian,” Lord Demanitus repeated, laying a steadying hand on the boy’s shoulder. “All this… Well, it isn’t quite what you think it is.”

Varian glanced up at the man, confusion written all over his face.

“Do you remember, Varian, how Zhan Tiri told you that the Moon Drop can alter time and space?”

Varian paused, then nodded again.

“In that much, at least, he told you the truth. What you are seeing now is one such warp that the Moon Drop can conjure. That is, it is allowing you to see that which your brain can process regarding the light your ancestors left among the stars.”

Varian stared up at the man, still clearly confused. “What are you talking about?”

“We live deep within the past every day, Varian,” Demanitus continued, directing Varian’s attention to the night sky above them. “Whenever you look up at the stars, you are seeing – in one sense – millions to billions of years into the past, with eons more still on the way. The light that enters your eyes in that moment traveled multiple lifetimes to reach you. And if any living soul out there in the vastness of space could look back at our little marble of Earth, they too would see light that traveled millions of years to reach them from our world. Every passing moment of every day, we choose that which becomes imprinted upon the fabric of space and time, extending outwards for millenia. Every moment, we determine what becomes written among the stars. You can see it here now, as the Moon Drop has pulled from the lives of your ancestors – that is, the record of their lives cast out into the heavens by their light while they still walked the planet – and have made them manifest to your consciousness in a way that you could perceive.”

“…S-so, they’re not…?” Varian swallowed, now glancing at those around him. “Y-you’re not all, er, ghosts then?”

Many of the figures around him laughed (though not a mocking laugh), which rang about Varian with bright, joyful tones – quite different from the mournful moans and wails Varian would’ve expected before this moment. Varian then remembered his own appearance in comparision with them – remembering who the real “ghost” was in this situation – and again hunched his shoulders in embarrassment.

“No, Varian,” One of the nearby figures said, drawing Varian’s attention to her. As the silver lady came close, Varian perceived her as being a great-grandparent on his mother’s side – Thyra, her name was. Despite her having lived to a ripe old age, her appearance didn’t strike Varian as being of any particular age; as if all the moments of her life manifested into one appearance made her somehow as youthful as Varian, yet her face also somehow carried with it the wisdom and experience of old age. Again, Varian realized how he hadn’t thought much about his past relatives before this moment, and it made him shy to be in her presence as she knelt down by him.

“We are not ghosts. The Moonstone can reveal many things, perhaps even glimpses beyond the veil of the mortal plane. But even then, anything seen beyond just a glimpse would completely overwhelm your mortal senses. What you see now are merely shadows of the past, made manifest to you by the Moon Drop so that we may help you.”

“So that you might…help me?” Varian asked, suddenly remembering the situation he had been in before blacking out. Zhan Tiri had a hold of him, Xavier had been captured as well, and any help that may have been possible from the Captain and the guards was blocked from any advance. Varian lowered his eyes again.

“What is the matter?” Demanitus asked invitingly, giving Varian’s shoulder a comforting squeeze.

“How?” Varian murmured, feeling his heart break all over again. “How is any of this supposed to help me? I can’t- I’m useless back there! And we’re just wasting our time again! Zhan Tiri’s going to-!”

“Oh, don’t worry about that, Varian,” another figure interrupted.  “Time… works a bit differently here. You’ll be able to prepare for the coming fight well enough. That is, if you so choose.”

“‘If I choose?’” Varian repeated back, feeling borth a flare of hope and caution spark in his chest. “You mean… there’s still a way to stop Zhan Tiri!?”

“Indeed,” Demanitus replied with a nod.

Varian’s eyes widened, and he found himself grasping the man’s shoulders in urgency, in hope. “Please, Demanitus! Tell me what I have to do!”

“I will tell you, my son,” Demanitus said, his expression both pleased with Varian’s response, but also now shifting to seriousness. “The only way to stop Zhan Tiri now is to release his grasp on you; to release his grasp on your heart.”

At these words, Varian brought one hand to clutch at the fabric of his shirt over his heart where he’d felt Zhan Tiri’s horrible squeezing and tugging before. He nodded. “R-right. So… how do we get him to let go of me?”

“I’m afraid,” Lord Demanitus continued, “it’s not a matter of Zhan Tiri letting go of you now, Varian, but of you letting go of Zhan Tiri.”

“What!?” Varian yelped in disbelief, releasing Demanitus’s shoulders. “W-what’re you talking about? Z-Zhan Tiri’s the one holding onto me!”

But Demanitus shook his head (though not unsympathetically). “You are forgetting, my son. The truth is, Zhan Tiri would have no foothold inside of you if you did not allow him to. The tether runs both ways.”

Varian stared back at the man – offended, bewildered – and opened his mouth to retort him. How dare this man have the gaul to suggest such a thing! Did he not see how hard Varian had been fighting against Zhan Tiri just now!? What could possibly make him think that Varian-!?

But then, Varian did remember. He remembered taking Zhan Tiri’s bonding serum, and the feelings of hatred, revenge, guilt, shame and anger that the demon conjured from him whenever the boy would try to stray from what the demon wanted him to do. To be fair, Varian had tried to say no. He had tried very hard in fact. But the feelings, the memories, the hurt kept coming back. Even if Varian tried not to think about it himself, Zhan Tiri made sure he didn’t forget. He kept Varian stuck there, replaying again and again all those things that made him so angry, so saddened, so self-justified, yet also so hopeless in his feelings.

Varian winced as he felt another tug at his heart at these thoughts; the tug of the invisible chain that kept him tethered to it all. It hurt, yet Varian also felt justified in its existence. He didn’t like it… but he also found he didn’t want to get rid of it. This realization startled him, and Varian found the need to run his hands through his hair, and take a deep breath.

“Then… what do I do?” Varian managed to croak out in a small voice. “If I can’t let this go, what hope is there?”

“Exactly!” Demanitus replied, and Varian wondered how the man could sound almost triumphant at these words. Perhaps Varian had gone mad, or Lord Demanitus had. It suddenly struck Varian with the horrible possibility that perhaps the benevolent alchemist of old wasn’t as benevolent as the stories made him out to be. Varian closed his hands into frustrated fists as he looked up at Demanitus in utter bewilderment.

“Listen, Varian…” Demanitus continued gently, kneeling down to Varian’s level and clasping Varian’s hands in his own. As he did so, some of the silver people placed their hands upon Demanitus’s shoulders, and those closest to Varian placing their hands upon his shoulders. Those further away opted to place their hands on the shoulders of the silver people in front of them, until they were all connected in a vast framework of sorts. Varian shut his eyes as he felt their touch, and only fear kept him from trying to shove them away as he felt the magic inside him respond to the network that formed around him; a chorus of soft, angelic tones beginning to ring just on the edge of his hearing as it did so.

“There is still hope,” Varian heard Demanitus say to him, as he could see the light of the silver people grew brighter around him from behind his closed eyelids. “It will be hard,” Demanitus continued. “In some ways, it won’t fair. I may even involve a kind of death for you. But you do have the power to change things, my son – to open up the future to possibilities for yourself, and for others as well, and to be free from Zhan Tiri’s grasp.”

“But how?” Varian asked, feeling the tightness around his heart again as he squeezed Demanitus’s hands back in tandem.

“You must forgive,” answered a chorus of voices both outside Varian and inside his mind. He flinched at it. One reason was from the sensation of again encountering such a large company of voices, like on the night his powers first awoke inside of him.

The other reason was… well, frankly, he didn’t like the answer.

“Forgive?” Varian asked tersely, and with a hollow laugh, his frustration reaching its height now. For a moment, Varian did try to contain his inner thoughts and emotions on this point, especially in front of the celestial court that had turned its attention to him. But somewhere in the company around him, Varian felt a coaxing for him to share more, and before he could think to stop himself, he found himself crying out. “How!? How can I forgive what they did to me? What theydidn’t do for me? Old Corona is gone, and if-if Dad is dead, it’s all their fault!”

“It’s all their fault!”

Varian started, his eyes snapping open as he heard the voice shout in chorus with his.

But- wait, where’d everyone go!?

Varian looked about him. Demanitus and the silver people around him had vanished, and he was now not on the Celestial Plain, but in a dark corridor, lit by dim torchlight.

And yet… Varian thought he could still sense the presence of Demanitus and the others nearby. If he let himself focus long enough, he thought he could even still feel Demanitus’s hands holding his own. But what was-?

“Those traitors!” the voice came again, Varian immediately turning his attention back to it. Cautiously, Varian went and peered through the doorway at the end of the cooridor where the voice had sounded from. What Varian saw was a crowd of people, all assembled in a large chamber, wearing hooded cloaks, and the speaker standing upon a central platform.

“Hear me, sons and daughters of Saporia!” the speaker shouted. “Are we not obligated to seek payment for the blood of our fallen brethren? Our queen and her cohorts have spat upon their graves and brought dishonor to their struggle – surrendering our cause just as the hour of victory was upon us!”

A series of outraged shouts and curses rang through the hall at the man’s words.

“But we will not forget!” the man continued. “We will not allow our brethren’s sacrifice to be in vain! For today, we form a new order – founded upon the memories of these warring days, founded upon memories of blood, founded upon the honor of Saporia, and founded upon the cause to destroy Corona!”

A great roar went up from the crowd, and Varian felt the hair on the back of his neck rise up in apprehension. What was going on?? Who were these people!?

“Today, we are the Separatists of Saporia!” the man decreed, answering Varian’s unspoken question, and drew a sword in his fist. He raised it to the sky. “For Saporia!”

“FOR SAPORIA! FOR SAPORIA! FOR SAPORIA!” the crowd repeated.

“But…why am I…?” Varian began to ask himself, still puzzled about what he was seeing, and why. But then…

“Now, my brethren,” the spokesman said, sheething his sword as the cries died down. “It is no secret that at present, we do not have a force strong enough to overturn the outcome of this war. However, there is one among us who has a plan that, in due time, will bring us back to our once glorious place among the kingdoms.” Here, the man gestured to a figure behind him. “Zhan Tiri, if you please.”

Varian’s eyes widened, and he froze. He dared not move as he watched the cloaked figure come forward, the man pulling back the cowl of his cloak as he did so. Varian supposed he shouldn’t have been astonished that Zhan Tiri looked rather different that the other times Varian had seen him. He was a shape-shifter after all. But somehow, Varian was taken aback by… well, how normal he looked. Save for the dark, bitter cloud resting upon his countenance, and the slight points at the ends of his ears like an elf, Zhan Tiri looked like most any other man, perhaps in his late twenties or so. Many might even had called him handsome. But unlike his face, his words were far from lovely.

“Fellow Saporians,” Zhan Tiri began, his voice carrying throughout the chamber. “Like you, I too feel ashamed by the weakness of your queen. Nay! No longer shall she be called your queen! She has forgone that right since turning her back on her people, and allying herself with the accursed Herz der Sonne!”

The crowd let off more shouts and curses.

“However,” Zhan Tiri said, waiting a moment for the crowd to quiet down as he raised a hand. “There may still be a way for us to achieve victory. While I am not of your race, your people have been good to my people for many a year, and this will not be forgotten. The people of Corona have forgotten the old ways of magic, and have instead turned to their machines of metal – a detestible thing to us fae! And no offender among the Coronians has been worse than that of Lord Demanitus!”

Yet again, the speech was interrupted by a roar from the crowd. Varian found himself shrinking back further behind the door, and would’ve made a run for it to escape before he was discovered. The atmosphere was feeling far too intense for his liking. But, again, he thought he felt the hand of Demanitus in his own, holding him tight, urging him to stay in place. Varian obeyed, and continued to listen.

“But, as I suspect many of you know,” Zhan Tiri proclaimed with a wicked grin (making his ordinarily handsome face now eerily uncanny), “we fae have our ways of getting what we want.”

A hostile chuckle rumbled through the crowd.

“I must ask you to be patient, my friends,” Zhan Tiri said. “For in order to build up our strength, we must first work on deceiving our enemies. Fortunately, that deception has already begun, for your former queen has seen fit to assign me to work with Lord Demanitus – something about a joint effort to rebuild the destruction and devisions between our two sides or some such useless, platitive effort.”

A murmur of mocking sounds went through the crowd at these words.

“I know, I know,” Zhan Tiri continued. “Unashamed, nonsensical tripe! But I assure you, I shall use this opportunity to get in good with the brightest minds of Herz der Sonne’s entourage, and with this knowledge, we can rebuild our forces, know our enemy’s weaknesses, and take these lands for ourselves – once and for all!”

(End of preview)

#it's been a looooong time #gauze in the wound #tts #rta #varian #tts varian #rta varian #lord demanitus #zhan tiri #tts gauze in the wound #rta gauze in the wound #tangled the series #rapunzel's tangled adventure #angst #forgiveness #hope