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makeitmingi · 6 months

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Just A Phone Call Away

Genre: Romance, Angst

Pairing: Hongjoong x Reader (y/n)

Characters: exGirlfriend!Reader, exBoyfriend!Hongjoong

Summary: Your relationship didn't work out, the only thing it did was fill your friendship with awkwardness and regret. But when the other is in need of comforting, you still drop everything and run to each other. After all, you're both just a phone call away.

Word count: 7.1k

Warning(s): lowkey toxic ex-lovers relationship, sprinkles of jealousy, potentially emotional triggers for some. Please read at your own discretion.

[A/N: Hongjoong is just a producer/ song writer in this, not an idol. Ateez isn't an idol group. (y/n) and Hongjoong's friends don't hate each other, they just disagree with the actions of the ex couple. The couple didn't work out for whatever reason. No matter what their lingering feelings are now.]

30th September, Saturday, 9:27pm

Your front door suddenly opened, making you look up from the movie that was playing on the television in front of you. Seeing that it wasn't some stranger entering your house to cause you alarm, you turned back to the movie, simultaneously eating a spoon of rice.

Also, he had called 30 minutes before to tell you he was stopping by. No questions, just a declaration. So you were expecting him.

"Ughhhhhhh." The visitor groaned, falling onto the empty space of the couch next to you. Rolling your eyes, you ignored him but he continued to annoyingly groan.

"Tch. What do you want?" You clicked your tongue. You paused the movie and turned to him.

"Yah..." You tapped his head with the bottom of your bowl.

"How can you just casually eat when I'm in distress?" He asked. You tilted your head, chewing your food before swallowing. You let out a sigh of defeat, reaching to put the bowl down on the table.

"Come here." You spoke softly. He moved immediately, pushing you to lie down and rest his head against your chest.

"Nothing's working out." He mumbled.

"What's not working out?" You probed further, hand coming up to stroke the back of his head.

"I've been camping at the studio for 2 weeks and have not produced a single beat, much less a track or instrumental. I think I've lost my touch." He said. You sighed, his studio work was always something that stressed him out. It was unhealthy for how much of a workaholic he was.

"If you're gonna come here and start speaking bullcrap, I'm kicking you out." You threatened.

"No..." He shook his head, hands coming to squeeze your waist like a child, as if you were really going to kick him out. You hoped he couldn't hear the way your heart lurched.

"Hey, don't sleep yet. Do you want food?" You asked. When you felt him nod, you got up and went to the kitchen.

"What did you cook?" He came up behind you, wrapping his arms around you.

"Fried rice. I was lazy." You explained. You took the remains and scraped them into a new bowl for him. The leftovers were going to be your lunch tomorrow but it's fine.

"Here." You poured flaked seaweed over before handing him the bowl. He sat at the small dining table in the kitchen, eating and watching you clean up. You did the dishes before wiping down the counter and the stove top.

"Your cooking always reminds me of home." He commented. You froze slightly at his words, chewing on your bottom lip. Luckily you were facing away from him that he couldn't see your reaction.

"Don't eat and talk, you'll choke." You forced a chuckle.

"I'm going to shower, can you do the dishes when you're done?" You asked. He nodded, giving you a thumbs up as he shovelled more food into his mouth.

"Slow down, no one is going to take the food away from you." You patted his back.

"Go shower. I'll shower after." He said betwen chews. You hummed and left him in the kitchen, going to have your shower.

Kim Hongjoong, also known as Producer Hongjoong, Songwriter Hongjoong. But before any of those things, you knew him as student Kim Hongjoong, the boy you met during your first year of college. You clicked instantly and became inseparable. He was also the first boy you truly loved.

After a few years of friendship, you both tried dating. It was some of the best moments of your life. One of your best friends was your lover, you practically spent every waking moment with him.

But ultimately, you grew too comfortable with each other, one thing led to another and in the end, you both that it was best for you to part ways.

You regretted acting on your feelings because the relationship only made your friendship awkward and uncomfortable.

If you knew you would end up losing your best friend, you would have kept your feelings to yourself.

When you broke up, you both promised to remain 'friends'. You promised that in times of need, you were both just a phone call away to give the other person some comforting. Hongjoong would come to you, like he did now, and you would go to him.

*KNOCK KNOCK*

"Aein, where's my towel?" You broke out of your train of thought to see Hongjoong's silhouette through the door. One more thing, Hongjoong never got rid of his nickname for you 'sweetheart'.

"Oh, I moved it to be with your clothes. Bottom left drawer of my dresser." You replied.

"Okay, I'll go find it. Thanks!" He walked away. You let out a long sigh, lifting your head to let the shower rain on you, hoping it'll wash away whatever you were feeling. You lightly slapped your cheeks, you needed to pull yourself together.

"Joong, I'm done." You announced as you stepped out, drying your hair with your smaller towel. Hongjoong stood up from the couch. He smiled when he saw you.

"You always look cute in my old shirts. I've always told you that you pull off any style you wear." He complimented.

"I'm literally in pyjamas... Just go shower. I'm going to sleep." You scoffed.

"No! Wait for me!" He protested, running to the shower. You honestly didn't think about it when you pulled the shirt to wear. Most of your closet was curated by Hongjoong anyway, even before you dated.

After doing your skincare, you sat on the bed and scrolled through your social media.

"Ah! That felt good!" Hongjoong came in, tossing his towel aside and diving straight for the bed.

"Joong, you didn't come your hair after you blow dried it. It's gonna be all messy when you wake up tomorrow." You lectured. Hongjoong never combs his hair, you would comb it for him or nag him to do it. Because his hair would get tangled in the morning. He ignore you and laid his head in your lap.

"It'll be fine." He assured, scrolling on his own phone. Your hands habitually came up to pat his head, your fingers combing through his freshly dried hair.

"By the way, did you change your soap?" He asked, still looking at his screen.

"Mhmm, a friend was using it. Some rose and geranium one, I thought it smelt nice so I asked where he got it." You explained.

"He?" He stopped and put his phone down to gaze up at you. You suddenly felt like you were being interrogated, also looking away from your phone to look down and meet his eyes.

"Yeah... Why?"

"What guy uses rose and geranium soap? And how close were you to him that you could smell him?" He asked with a scoff of disbelief.

"To answer your first question, you do. Because you've just used my soap. And for your second question, he was sitting next to me and I noticed. That's all." You replied.

"Right..." Hongjoong frowned slightly, pursing his lips.

"What's the big deal? It's just soap. You didn't complain when you used it." You raised an eyebrow.

"Nothing." He shook his head and turned back to his phone. You stared at the side of his face for a few seconds before going back to your social media scrolling. But Hongjoong's pointed questions and change in tone bothered you slightly. Was he... jealous?

"Joong, you don't have to stress and bother about the studio stuff, alright? I know you'll make it work out, you always do." You spoke softly, wanting to move on from whatever that was.

"You don't know that... My career... is so fickle..." He said with a sigh, putting his phone down.

"You're right, I don't. But forcing yourself to do something for 2 weeks isn't going to help either." You replied.

"What do you think I should do then?" He turned to lay on his back to look at you again. You did the same, putting your phone on the charging dock on your nightstand.

"Take a break." You smiled softly as you let your fingers continue to run through his hair.

"A break?" He tilted his head.

"Yeah. Who knows, you might get struck with inspiration. Don't think about the deadlines, think about the music and let it speak to you." You told him. Hongjoong stayed silent, he was wrong, you did know. You knew everything about the hardships of producing and songwriting because it was one of the things that broke you two up.

"How do you always know what to say, aein?" He smiled softly.

"You'll get out of this rut, just like you always do. Look at all the hits you've produced, I believe in you and your talent. This is just another hurdle you'll jump over." You giggled.

Hongjoong sat up, making you do the same. He laid down on his side of the bed, patting your pillow. You laughed as you laid down beside him.

"Come here." He whispered. You scooched closer, only for him to wrap an arm around your waist and lay his other under your head.

"There. That's better." He chuckled, now practically holding you to his body. Your chest tightened at this closeness.

"How has work been?" He asked, realising he's only been talking about himself the entire evening. Not once had he asked how have you been, even though he crashed your night at home.

"Busy. My company made me take on a new team and it's been grueling onboarding them." You groaned. Hongjoong chuckled, the hand of the arm around your waist opted to lightly brush the exposed skin of your hip with its thumb.

"But I think it's great your company believes in your ability to take on a new team and manage them, alongside your current team." He complimented.

"Thank you." You said.

"There's nothing to thank me for. You're an amazing leader with great work ethic, I've always told you that." He smiled.

"I thought you were just saying it to hype me up." You rolled your eyes, flicking his chest lightly. Of course you didn't do it hard enough to hurt him.

"You're so cute." He laughed and pulled you in to kiss the top of your head. You were both just silent, you were too lost in your head.

"Hongjoong, I-" You looked up to see his sleeping face. You melted slightly, reaching out to hold his cheek gently. Even in his sleep, he instinctively, leaned into your touch.

It took everything in you to carefully remove yourself from him. You tucked his outstretched arm next to him, pulling the blanket up so that it covered him properly. You stared at his sleeping face for a while, lightly patting his side through the blanket. Hongjoong meant so much to you. But what was he to you?

17th October, Tuesday, 4:49pm

It has been about 2 weeks since Hongjoong was at your place. When you woke up the next morning, he was gone. All that was left was a note on the counter in his handwriting.

'Thanks for letting me crash and feeding me so last minute, aein. Have a great day and weekend.

Also, there's iced coffee in the fridge and a bagel sandwich in the paper bag next to the toaster. Heat it up before you eat it!

- Hongjoongie'

Hongjoong was a terrible cook. But he still always tried to make sure you were fed. You were both workaholics so you took it upon yourselves to always remind the other to eat.

According to his one social media post, it seemed like he took your advice, going to the countryside for a few days to get away from the studio. Of course, you knew that he probably still brought equipment there to work but now there was a change in scenary.

"Oh, you're back." Seonghwa walked in after having seen the lights to his best friend's studio on. He had an iced tea on hand, not liking the bitterness of coffee.

"Mhmm." Hongjoong hummed, resting his head on his hand as he looked at the screen before him.

"So..." Seonghwa started.

"What?" Hongjoong stopped, turning to see the taller male who was now seated on the couch. He stood up and went to the mini fridge, grabbing a can of cold coffee to drink.

"What was with the sudden vacation? You don't usually take sch last minute studio leave." Seonghwa asked with suspicion.

"Just needed a breather. Wanted the outdoors. Looking for inspiration." Hongjoong shrugged.

"And did it help?" To which Hongjoong nodded to but then shrugged again, it was iffy. He didn't know for sure if it helped him write new music but it definitely helped him clear his head and forget about the stressors of work for a bit. Just like you said, it helped him focus solely on the music.

"I definitely feel more clarity in my thinking. Overall, it was a good suggestion for me to go." Hongjoong said without thinking. But Seonghwa raised an eyebrow at that.

"Suggestion? Someone suggested for you to go?" He clarified. Hongjoong cleared his throat, not expecting his best friend to pick that up.

"Yeah." He was brief in his answer as he sat back down in his chair and pulled himself back to his desk.

"(y/n) adviced you to go, didn't she?" From the way the shorter male stiffened slightly, Seonghwa knew he hit the nail on the head.

"We're still friends, Hwa. She tried to help me get out of a music rut, that's all." Hongjoong was unnecessarily defensive, especially when Seonghwa hadn't said anything.

"So you went to meet her to seek comfort from her. Just like how she does with you." Seonghwa spoke slowly, hoping Hongjoong would realise how that sounds. But he didn't get what the taller was getting at, nodding in agreement.

"Friends comfort friends." Hongjoong shrugged.

"Right, cause you two are just... normal, everyday friends." Seonghwa scoffed. Hongjoong frowned.

"I need to work. I'll see you at dinner later." He put his headphones on, shutting Seonghwa out. With a sigh, Seonghwa stood up and grabbed his drink before walking out of the studio.

Once the door closed, Hongjoong sighed, plopping his head down onto the desk. He groaned as he sat up, grabbing his phone.

"CHEERS!"

He straightened up when he saw your social media story on his personal, private account. You were out with your friends, Mingi, Wooyoung and San last night. Your posts were a mix of reposts from your friends and your own.

"Wooo!" You had a slightly shaky video with Mingi's arm around your shoulders, holding you to him. He was excitedly jumping up and down, making you jump with him.

"You're making me spill my drink!" You squealed, which only made the mischevious Mingi do it more.

"Ah, you're so cute." Mingi chuckled at your outraged reaction, pressing his forehead against your temple with a smile.

"Hug me!" The next was a video Mingi posted of San, obviously drunk, reaching out for you to hug him. At first, you shook your head, which only made San more whiny.

"Hug me~!" He glued himself to your waist like an attached child to his mother.

"I'd rather let him hug me than a random stranger. Again." You shook your head, taking a sip of your drink as you patted San's back.

"This girl. She always doesn't want to go out with us but when we make her, she has such a good time. Doesn't she?" Wooyoung appeared, giggly and also drunk. He held your chin to make you face him, a teasing smile on his face. You rolled your eyes and slapped his hands away.

"Yah-" Your shouts of protests were cut off as the video cut off and went to the next story. It was a report from a video that Wooyoung had taken in selfie mode.

"She's mine, okay?!" Wooyoung pulled you in, pressing his cheek against yours, squishing your faces together.

"You're mine!" He then proceeded to give you a loud kiss on the cheek.

Hongjoong had to turn his phone off after that. Mingi, Wooyoung and San were your friends a lot longer than he was. But he always felt out of place with them.

Mingi was always flirty with you and Wooyoung was always physically touchy with you. San as well but Wooyoung was more.

Out of respect for your longer friendship, he never mentioned anything to you. He was worried it might upset you or make him seem untrusting and/or insecure. And you never liked clubbing but the trio always convinced you to go with them.

Hongjoong brought it up once, telling you that you shouldn't feel pressured or forced to go. However, you assured him that you didn't feel forced at all and you trusted the 3 to keep you safe.

They weren't bad friends, they made you happy. They were there for you when you and Hongjoong broke up.

They were also the ones, along with Seonghwa, that disapproved of you and Hongjoong's 'arrangement' of continuing to seek comfort from one another.

26th October, Thursday, 8:16pm

"Joong...?"

The moment he heard your saddened voice, he sat up from his bed, pausing his music and putting his laptop aside.

"Yeah, aein? Are you alright?" He asked. It took a while for you to reply, he heard the shaky sigh that escaped you. It was barely audible but he still heard it.

"Ugh... Can I come over?" You seemed hesitant with your question.

"Of course." He replied almost instantly, contrary to your question, without any hesitation. Hongjoong had about 30 minutes to make his place 'presentable' to you. To be honest, he hadn't been home much, always camping at the studio or Seonghwa's place, which was much nearer to the studio.

*BEEP BEEP BEEP*

You still remembered Hongjoong's door passcode. It was his mother's birthday. You trudged in, kicking your shoes to the side as Hongjoong shuffled to you.

"Ugh..." You groaned, leaning against him with your forehead against his chest as he held you up.

"What's wrong, aein? Are you okay? Feeling sick?" Hongjoong asked.

"Work is shit, my parents are shit, life is shit." You complained, like a disgruntled teenager going through puberty. Hongjoong chuckled, guiding you to the couch. He tucked you under his arm.

"Alright, slowly. Tell me what happened?" He coaxed, his other hand coming to stroke your hair.

"Work is always shit, you know that. And my mum keeps trying to set me up on blind dates. The guy tonight was so... he was terrible." You groaned. Hongjoong went quiet. Whether it was on your own accord or not, he had no idea that you were back out in the dating scene.

"What guy ends a date so early? You called me at like 8pm." Hongjoong asked, looking at his watch.

"He didn't end the date. I told him I was leaving and just stood up... walked out of the restaurant..." You mumbled. That made Hongjoong burst out laughing.

"Aein! You walked out on the guy?"

"What? Would you have preferred I stay?" You frowned. Hongjoong stopped laughing at your words.

"Of course not." He hugged you tighter. To cheer you up, Hongjoong ordered you takeout. You weren't going to eat his possibly poisonous cooking. So he ordered rose tteokbokki with cheese.

"Why don't you go shower before the food comes? I've already turned on the heater." Hongjoong suggested. You nodded and pushed yourself to stand up.

"Way to tell me I smell." You scoffed with a playful smile before walking to the bathroom. You already knew your way around his house, just like how he knew his way around yours. But he still followed you, grabbing a clean towel for you while you took one of his hoodies from his closet.

"Thanks, Joong." You kissed his cheek and went into the bathroom. Hongjoong stood there, in the middle of the room, stunned.

"Calm down, Kim Hongjoong." He slapped his cheek before leaving his room. He closed the door behind him to give you some privacy before going back to the living room.

*DING DONG*

"Delivery." There was a muffled voice. Hongjoong went to answer, tipping the delivery guy.

"Thanks." He bowed his head and closed the door. As he got two plates and two sets of cutlery out, he paused for a moment. When was the last time he had someone over? It was probably you.

"Food's here?" Your voice sounded from the room. Hongjoong let out a sound of acknowledgement and you came out.

"Gosh, I'm starving." You said, drying your hair with the towel.

"Did you not eat at all, aein?" Hongjoong chuckled as you slid onto the bar stool, opposite him. You shook your head, accepting the cutlery and plate he handed to you.

"I left after eating two breadsticks, Joong. It was so bad, my parents were already tearing up my phone on the way here so I turned it off." You waved the blank out device, setting it on the table. You and Hongjoong dug into the food.

"You always know what I need, Joong." You giggled, physically melting and letting out sounds of happiness.

"Don't eat so fast, aein. No one is going to take it away for you." He chuckled, reaching out to pat your head with a soft smile on his face. You smiled back.

After eating the food and sharing a can of beer, Hongjoong made you some tea, knowing you always liked to have it after eating things that may cause you to feel bloated in the morning.

"Luckily I still have your full boxes of tea here." He said, handing you the mug.

"Thank you." You received the warm mug and took a sip, you were careful not to spill any on his bed.

"Were you working before I came?" You asked, nodding over to the laptop that had been abandoned at the end of the bed. The screen was still open, showing a chat between him and someone named 'Hyejin'. It was obviously a girl's name, making your stomach sink a little. But you looked away, ignoring it.

"Just some touch up work." He quickly picked it up and closed all the open windows. He tucked the device under his arm, going to charge it at the desk.

"So, who is Hyejin?" You couldn't help but ask in a low voice

"Just a friend I met. Seonghwa introduced us." Hongjoong replied. Internally, he was confused at your change in demeanour.

"Ah, I'm so glad I could take the day off tomorrow." You changed the subject, taking a long sip of tea before putting it on the nightstand beside you. Hongjoong laughed and got under the covers.

"Come." Just like at your house, Hongjoong waved you over. You moved in without hesitation, leaning against his touch. He tucked your head under his chin.

"It'll be okay, hmm? Don't be bothered by work and what your parents do." He rubbed your arm while hugging you.

"Thanks, Joong. I feel like you're the only one that will always believe in me." You closed your eyes.

"You should believe in yourself too, aein." He whispered.

When Hongjoong woke up, he was greeted by your sleeping face. You were calmly and safely tucked against his side, sleeping without a care in the world. Hongjoong smiled softly, stroking your head before getting up to close the curtains properly. You were always annoyed when even a little bit of sunlight came in to wake you.

*RINGGGGGG*

Hongjoong scrambled to get his phone, running out of the room so you wouldn't wake up.

"Hello?" He spoke softly even though he was a good distance away from the bedroom. He was still worried that you may get woken up by the slightest noise.

"Where are you? You're not coming into the studio today?"

"Oh, Hwa. No... I don't think I am." He said, leaning against the wall to look out the window.

"Why? You don't usually forget to cancel studio time unless it's an emergency. Please don't tell me you're going on another spontaneous holiday or something."

"I'm not... I'm just... busy..." Hongjoong scratched his head, not really sure on what to say. Seonghwa was silent on the other side.

"Oh my god. You have someone over, didn't you? Good on you, Hongjoong! Was she good?"

"Please don't speak about her in such a way..." He mumbled, annoyed that you were being mentioned in such a crude way, even if Seonghwa didn't intentionally mean it, not knowing that the person that as over was you.

"The person... It's (y/n)... isn't it...?"

"I-"

"Save it, Hongjoong. You don't have to explain it to me. Please just tell me you didn't do anything stupid that you will both regret."

"No, none of that. She was just having a hard time and I'm returning the favour. I comforted her like how she comforted me when I was struggling. That's all." Hongjoong explained.

6th November, Monday, 10pm

You stood outside of the club. It was closed for a private event but when you showed your card to the bouncer, he opened the velvet rope for you to go in.

"You okay?" A hand came up on your shoulder. You looked over to your plus 1, Jeong Yunho. He offered to come with you so you don't get lost and you didn't want your usual 3 friends to know you're here, they might actually tear the place down. But you were sure Yunho might tell Mingi at some point, they're best friends.

'HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONGJOONG!'

Was displayed everywhere. Yes, this celebration was to ring in Hongjoong's birthday at midnight. Hongjoong had sent you an invite and you asked Yunho to come with you for moral support.

You could have said no but deep down, you knew you couldn't. You didn't want Hongjoong to think there was something wrong.

"Sorry, where are the presents?" You asked someone that was dressed in a server outfit with a nametag.

"Follow me." He waved you over. Yunho walked behind you, guarding you against all the moving bodies. You were sure Seonghwa organised this party for him.

"Wow." Some presents looked huge and some weren't even wrapped, just presented into their luxury label paper bags. Compared to your small present, it seemed like it would get lost somewhere.

"Don't doubt it." Yunho whispered, knowing you. You sighed and placed the paper bag down.

"Shall we get some drinks?" He asked. You knew Yunho would take care of you if you had alcohol. He wasn't drinking, wanting to be sober to take care of you and because he was driving. You went to the bar to order yourself a cocktail.

Meanwhile, you hadn't noticed that Hongjoong was staring at you from the moment you walked in. His eyes narrowed in on Yunho, he wasn't part of your usual trio.

"Hongjoong! Are you enjoying yourself?" Seonghwa came up to him. Hongjoong nodded, making Seonghwa followed his gaze.

"You invited her?!" Seonghwa exclaimed.

"She's still a friend, Hwa." Hongjoong mumbled. Seonghwa face palmed, seeing the male by your side, he knew Hongjoong was going to be preoccupied the whole night.

"Please enjoy your own party." He sighed. Hongjoong took a sip of his drink, turning to his best friend.

"I am enjoying the party, Hwa. Thank you for organising it. I've spent the past two hours greeting people." Hongjoong cringed slightly. He appreciated Seonghwa's efforts but preferred a smaller, quieter, more intimate celebration. When Hongjoong saw you get up and try to head over, he straightened up.

"Go, go." He shooed Seonghwa away as you approached. Seonghwa rolled his eyes and walked away. But he did cross paths with you.

"Hi, Seonghwa." You gave a friendly smile. Seonghwa smiled softly, pulling you in for a hug.

"Hi, (y/n). How have you been?" He asked. Seonghwa didn't hate you or dislike you in anyway, like your own friends, he thought you and Hongjoong continuing as friends like this wasn't healthy.

"I've been good. What about you?" You blinked up at him.

"Great. You know the usual, taking care of Hongjoong." He chuckled. He could feel Hongjoong burning holes into the back of his head.

"I better let you go greet the birthday boy before I'm 6 feet under." Seonghwa patted your head before walking away. You tilted your head in confusion but went to Hongjoong.

"Aein, you made it." Hongjoong smiled softly as you came into view. You were beautiful, as you always were. You were dressed in a black dress with a slit going up the side of your thigh, the bodice hugged your curves nicely.

"Of course. Happy early birthday, Joong." You giggled, wrapping your arms around him. Hongjoong's scent always comforted you.

"Thank you." He closed his eyes, savouring the hug.

"You came with a friend?" Hongjoong asked when you both pulled away. You both wished the hug could last longer but it would just make the whole thing awkward.

"Yeah, just someone to make sure I get home safe in case I go overboard with the drinks." You said shyly, rubbing the back of your neck.

"Aein, I'll always make sure you're safe. You know I won't let you be in any sort of danger." Hongjoong frowned slightly. You didn't need Yunho to take care of you, he could do it, ma

"I know. I... I just want you to enjoy your party, don't worry about me." You said, squeezing his hand with a reassuring smile.

"Hongjoong! Happy soon birthday!" A girl appeared behind you. You blinked in confusion.

"Thanks, Hyejin." He replied. This was Hyejin, the girl that Seonghwa introduced to him. Now you felt out of place, like you were the one that wasn't supposed to be there.

"Enjoy your party." You wished. With another brief hug, you left him, going back to the bar where Yunho was waiting for you. You didn't want to leave his side, Hongjoong didn't want you to go too.

"Whenever you want to leave, just let me know. I'm here only for you." Yunho told you kindly. You nodded with a smile, taking a sip of your drink. Honestly, Yunho also disapproved of you coming but he'd rather come with you than let you come here alone. You insisted you were here to celebrate a friend's birthday, that's all.

"Alright everyone! Let's countdown to the birthday boy's birthday!" Seonghwa said in the mic, standing with everyone on the stage. You saw Hyejin standing beside him with a big smile.

"10... 9... 8... 7..." Everyone counted down with their drinks in hand. Hongjoong looked at you as you counted down with the crowd.

"1! Happy birthday Hongjoong!" Seonghwa yelled into the mic with everyone else raising their glass for the toast.

"Happy birthday Hongjoong!" Hyejin wrapped her arms around Hongjoong, giving him a peck. The crowd cheered at her action while Hongjoong's eyes widened at the action.

"Hyejin..." He was stunned.

His eyes searched for you frantically. You were still there but Hongjoong knew, your genuine smile was gone.

This was your fake, forced smile. Your mask of a smile.

He watched as Yunho leaned in to whisper something to you. You took the last sip of your drink and nodded, placing the empty glass on the counter. Yunho held your hand to help you off the bar stool and led you through the crowd to the exit of the club.

"(y/n)..." Hongjoong whispered.

"Enjoy the rest of the night everyone! Thanks again for coming to celebrate the birthday boy!" Seonghwa said to everyone before getting off the platform.

"Why would you do that?" Hongjoong frowned at Hyejin, who looked stunned at Hongjoong's reaction.

"I... I'm sorry, Hongjoong." She hung her head low.

"We're not dating, Hyejin. We just met! And you just do that in front of all my friends?" Hongjoong hissed. Seonghwa, who watched the exchange, sighed.

Yes, Hyejin shouldn't have done that. But he knew that Hongjoong was more bothered that you saw Hyejin kiss him.

15th December, Friday, 6:02pm

You sighed tiredly, getting up from your desk. There were too many year end wrap ups to do but you wanted to get them done before your Christmas leave started. While Yunho promised he didn't tell the other 3 about what happened at Hongjoong's party, it was suspicious when Wooyoung suddenly suggested a vacation.

It would be good. You wouldn't have to go to your stuffy family Christmas celebration, it was good to get away and you wouldn't be near Hongjoong.

But speaking of, you haven't contacted each other since the night of the party. Maybe it was for the better.

You were not dating, he was only a friend, so you shouldn't feel hurt or bitter. You told yourself that you should be happy for him, you knew he was a good partner, he would make Hyejin happy.

'I'm downstairs. - Yuyu'

'On the way. - (y/n)'

Yunho wanted to take you out to dinner tonight. You were clear in expressing that you were not ready for a relationship, no matter what your feelings were. But he assured you, it was just dinner.

"Yuyu." You called out to him. He straightened from his leaning postured against his car, smiling softly.

"Hi, (y/n). I hope you had a good day at work." He wrapped his arms around you to engulf you in a big bear hug, or what you would call a puppy hug, even rocking you from side to side. You giggled, putting your own arms around him.

"I told you to dress warmer." He tsked, taking the scarf off his neck and wrapping it around you.

"I'm fine." You waved him off. But he shook his head, opening the door to usher you into the warm car. Once you were seated, he closed the door and went to the driver's side.

You didn't notice the car that was parked a little behind Yunho. Hongjoong looked at the exchange between you and Yunho.

"Damn it." He slammed his fist against the steering wheel. He hadn't contacted you, he was scared.

He was scared of what you were going to tell him, he didn't want you to wish him the best. But he couldn't take it anymore so he wanted to speak to you physically.

But after witnessing that, if there was something between you and Yunho, he shouldn't be in the way. He should wish you both the best right?

25th December, Monday, 2:34pm

The boys decided to rent a cabin in a forest village of Kurokawa in Kumamoto, Japan. It was cold like Korea but the forest scenary was beautiful and there were Christmas lights set up everywhere, which was very pretty at night. You were seated next to the heater on the balcony, admiring the view.

*BEEP BEEP*

'Merry Christmas, aein. - Hongjoong'

You stared at the message for a while, chewing on your bottom lip as you decided if you wanted to reply. You knew if you wanted to let go of Hongjoong, you needed to stop contacting him.

'Merry Christmas, Hongjoong. - (y/n)'

When was the last time you called him 'Hongjoong' and not 'Joong'? Even when you broke up, you called him 'Joong'.

"Hey, beautiful. The boys wanna go snowboarding and-" San suddenly appeared. He seemed to have glanced at your phone because he frowned, taking it from your hands.

"Sannie." You tried to take your phone back.

"Come, Mingi wants to build a snowman with you." He said, tucking his phone into his pocket. You nodded, slipping your hand into his and letting him lead you out. Being with the 4, you knew you had to put Hongjoong at the back of your mind and enjoy yourself.

'How's Japa|'

*delete*

'You decided to travel for Christmas? That's gre|'

*delete*

Hongjoong groaned out, tossing his bed on the side. He really wished he was home where his home studio was and he could work. But he came to visit his parents for Christmas, only bringing his laptop.

"Hongjoong ah. Santa Claus can hear your sighs all the way in the North Pole." Mrs Kim clicked her tongue as she came in.

"Santa Claus isn't real, omma." Hongjoong scoffed, sitting up. Mrs Kim laughed and sat beside Hongjoong.

"Whatever it is you're going through, my dear son, you'll get through it. Sometimes, things just aren't to go our way, no matter how bad we want it to. But that doesn't mean it's the end. There's still so much to look forward to, you never know what life will throw at you." Mrs Kim smiled, rubbing Hongjoong's back.

7th January, Sunday, 10:13am

Hongjoong gulped as he stood before your front door. When you had suddenly texted him to meet, he grew nervous. You always called him and instead of asking to go over, you asked him over to yours.

*DING DONG*

Here goes nothing.

"Coming!" You replied, feeling your heart race as you approached your front door. You felt a lump in your throat, one that was too big to swallow. Seeing Hongjoong when you opened the door just made things worse. This was a bad idea.

"Hey, Hongjoong. Thanks for coming so early." You smiled, stepping aside for him to enter your house. There it was, you dropping the nickname and calling him 'Hongjoong' like an acquaintance.

"Hey. No worries, at all. I hope you had a good holiday." He returned the smile, reaching over to hug you briefly.

"I did. It was a nice getaway. What did you do?" You asked as you closed the door.

"Visited my parents for a bit, celebrated Christmas and New Years with extended family." He shrugged, removing his shoes and sitting on the couch. He was so stiff and awkward.

"Oh. That's nice. How are they?"

"Good." Hongjoong replied. You handed him a glass of iced coffee, holding your own tumbler in your hand before sitting down next to him.

You both felt a little deja vu, it was negative, making your stomachs sink and your hearts race. The last time you 'talked' like this, you were in Hongjoong's apartment, sitting down and ultimately ending the conversation in tears and with a break up. You gulped, trying to find the words.

"It's okay. Breathe." Hongjoong said, leaning forward and placing a comforting hand on your knee. It didn't help, you didn't want him to be nice, it only made things harder.

"I think I know what you want to talk about. That our friends were right, weren't they? We couldn't continue as friends like we thought." He spoke.

"Hongjoong... I..." Your bottom lip quivered.

"It's okay." He rubbed your back.

"I still care about you, Hongjoong. I really do... It's just... It's hard. I feel like my heart gets hopeful that we can go back to being something more but we can't." You looked at him, seeing tears in his eyes.

"At least I know I'm not the only one that feels that way. We tried to make it work but we still couldn't." He said.

"I'm sorry." You cried.

"Aein, don't be sorry. There's no one at fault. Unknowingly we've both been holding each other back that the other can't move on." He pulled you into a hug to soothe you.

"We both liked the comfort too much that it became too comfortable, similar to our relationship. Being just a phone call away from each other hurt more than it helped." You said softly. Hongjoong nodded in agreement, wiping his fallen tears.

"I don't want to lose you, Joong." You shook your head, subconsciously using the nickname. Hongjoong felt the same, he had already lost you as a lover, now he was going to lose you forever.

"I don't want to lose you too, aein."

"I shouldn't have confessed my feelings. If I didn't, we would have still been friends. We wouldn't be here." You said.

"No, please... Please don't say that like you regret it. Our time together was the best time of my life, I don't regret it at all. So please don't." He begged you, choking on a sob.

"And if you didn't confess, I would have. My only regret is not cherishing you more when I had the chance." He forced a small smile.

"It's not solely your fault, a relationship needs effort from both sides." You chuckled. You and Hongjoong just stared at each other, sharing a short moment of silence.

"Before I go, I just want to clarify. There's nothing between me and Hyejin. I didn't lie or hide anything from you." He blurted out.

"You don't have to explain it to me, Joong. It's fine. You're free to move on and love whoever you want. I know the girl you end up with is going to be the luckiest girl in the world." You smiled. Deep down, Hongjoong wished that girl was you. He already knew it was going to be a while until he can actually move on.

"Well, I can say the same for you. I wish you and Yunho the best." He said. You didn't correct him that you and Yunho weren't dating because was there a need to now?

"Thank you for everything, Joong. You gave me some of the best memories I've ever had." You pulled him in for a hug.

"Thank you for loving me, no matter how difficult I am, (y/n)." He cried softly and closed his eyes, squeezing you against him. You shook your head.

"Don't cry." You whispered, cupping his cheeks and wiping his tears with your thumbs. Hongjoong smiled tearfully, holding your hands in his. The both of you chuckled through your cries.

"Take care of yourself, hmm?" He said, rubbing the back of your hands. You nodded obediently.

"You too." You smiled softly.

You wanted to tell him, that if he ever needs you, he can always call you. But you said the same thing to him when you broke up, which led to the current predicament that you're both in so you kept quiet.

With that, Hongjoong reluctantly pulled his hands away from yours, walking down the hall with a hunched posture to hide his cries. Looking down at your hands, they suddenly felt cold as Hongjoong took his warmth away with him, as well as his heart.

214 notes · View notes

aitarose · 3 years

Text

SKINNY LOVE | ZUKO

PAIRING: Zuko x Reader [fem]

PLOT: Years and years of build up, only to lead to absolutely nothing. Y/N’s constant emotion was confusion, and there was no changing that when it came to Zuko’s feelings.

WARNINGS: angst

WORD COUNT: 1.6k

A/N: my best friend says he might have feelings for me, and i’m so stressed right now i’m going crazy. so here’s a little fic that literally explains our entire relationship and these are all my raw emotions ew. also this is almost word for word our conversation tonight

MY MASTERLIST

Their cycle seemed to be infinite, running in circles on the same track over and over again throughout the course of their lifelong friendship. The friendship that had been more confusing than the most trivial question in the entire world.

Y/N had always considered feelings to be straightforward. Something that could be determined with a simple yes or no answer, rather than continuous strife and struggles, arguments and silence.

She knew what she felt, and she wanted other’s to know that. Communication was no fare for her when it came to anger, sadness, and love—especially when it came to love.

Zuko on the other hand had what some would call troubles in the aspect of emotions. He’d bottle up all of his stress and worries, bursting like a volcano when they’d release.

After years, decades of friendship and unspoken feelings, Y/N still didn’t know where she stood with the newly crowned Fire Lord. They’d danced around their relationship for what seemed like forever, him never truly speaking the words she’d always wanted to hear.

And after so many rounds of psychoanalyzing his words and phrases, the responses he’d give her after she’d try her best to pour her heart out to him, Y/N was beginning to grow sick of their routine.

It wasn’t that she didn’t love him anymore, she was just so unbelievably tired of it all. Peace was the thing she needed most. Inner peace with herself, her appearance, her confidence.

All the things that she’d never fully realized due to her constant focus on Zuko and only Zuko. The things that made someone unique, what made them them. She was lacking them, and the only way to grow was to distance herself.

So, distance was what she gave him. Y/N moved around the world, never settling in one nation, finding new cultures and traditions to enjoy and bringing them back with her to the Fire Nation every now and then.

During her little conquest, Zuko had found his place beside Mai. Comfortable in his own little bubble, never taking any risks outside of the familiarity of his daily life. He hadn’t grown up—that was the first thing Y/N had come to notice as her feelings were reborn.

It’d taken her two years to move on from him, two years to find love for herself and take interest in people other than her best friend—but the minute she heard that he ended his relationship with Mai, they’d come flying back.

All of her former insecurities pounded in her mind, screaming in her inner monologue, refusing to give her a single second of silence. Y/N was out of breath, completely lost in the sea of her own thoughts.

She and Zuko had stayed in contact over the years of her adventure. Constantly writing letters back and forth, telling each other about their day, their new friends, and whatever was remotely interesting in their lives.

Although she hadn’t physically seen him in so long, Y/N still felt a connection to him. A connection that pulled her like a magnet the minute he stood before her, smiling his dopey, crooked grin.

When he’d wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into the tightest hug she’d ever been a part of—Y/N’s heart quite literally dropped, falling out of her body, and rolling out into the ocean.

Her chest was tight, it was almost as if she felt like she was choking on a food that was stuck in her throat. Something that was refusing to come out, no matter how hard she tried to say those three little words—I love you.

And Zuko, himself, hadn’t settled her storm by any means. If anything, he’d encouraged it to rage on, encouraged it to continue to torment and demolish all the self respect she’d grown.

Whilst Y/N had jokingly spoken out the idea of them being together, he’d practically driven her to insanity. “What if I wasn’t joking, Zuko?” She wondered, freezing in disbelief at what she was saying. “What if I did feel that way?”

In response, Zuko simply laughed. His eyes pinched shut, a wide smile overtaking his mouth in amusement at her curiosity. “I don’t believe you, Y/N.” He rolled his eyes, playing with their intertwined hands. “You don’t actually feel that way.”

At that, a light scoff escaped Y/N’s lips, her face becoming contorted and annoyed. “Okay.” She started, shaking her head at the conversation she was about to trigger. “Well, what would your response be if I did?”

Zuko’s looked in her direction, his amber eyes meeting her steely ones. “You’re really baiting me, aren’t you?” His face went a little pale at her slight nod, a large gulp running down his neck.

“It wouldn’t be a no.”

Y/N’s smile dropped, her expression growing blank as her heartbeat began to jump out of her chest. What he’d just hinted at was her getting what she’d always wanted, the thing that she’d dreamed of since she was only five years old.

Both of them seemed to be frozen in the moment, neither knowing exactly what was going on as they weren’t aware of what their feelings for each other were. Their lives had become so different, they’d become so different.

Zuko was a leader now, a person that needed to have stability and assurance in his life. He was a traditionalist, he needed rules and regulations to live in harmony with himself and his people.

Y/N, however, was a free spirit. She knew what she wanted in life and she’d be sure to make it happen. Commitment and social standards weren’t on her agenda, as she didn’t have one.

But when it came to Zuko, Y/N would do anything. She’d drop her goals and dreams if it’d amount to one minute of true happiness in his arms. Her love for him had grown toxic, it was poison in her brain.

Poison that could also be considered pure. A feeling of actual and real love for the prince that she’d known for her entire life. Everything about him contradicted itself, the stress he made her feel was practically indescribable.

“Are you being serious?” Y/N was on the verge of hysterically laughing, she was so appalled by Zuko’s response. Her face was bright red, dancing on the line of embarrassment and anger.

Zuko let go of her hands, his palm running over the back of his neck. He shrugged, sheepishly smiling as he looked everywhere but at her. “Yeah.” He sighed, pursing his lips. “That seemed like the wrong answer.”

“No.” Y/N’s neck snapped to turn to him, her eyes searching for his own. Her voice became breathless, her lungs nearly gasping for air. “Go back. Are you being serious, right now, that your answer wouldn’t be a no?”

As Zuko shook his head to signify that he wouldn’t reject her question, Y/N almost toppled over in shock. “So, figuratively speaking, if I had feelings for you—you wouldn’t reject me straight on?”

Thirty seconds was what it took for Zuko to answer her. Half a minute of earth shattering patience that Y/N had to endure before she heard his simple words. “No, of course not.”

“But what does that mean?” Y/N was now itching for closure. She had to find out what this all meant. What it meant for their past, their present, and the future of their relationship.

“I would have no reason to reject you, that’s what it means.” He simply shrugged, expecting the conversation to be over by now. The talk of feelings was wearing Zuko out, causing a large yawn to form on his features.

He was tired, exhausted at the discussion of romance and secret pining. Communication simply wasn’t his strong suit, and while Y/N fully knew that, she continued to press further.

“You don’t get it, Zuko. You’re confusing me.” She explained, waving her hands out in front of her face. “So, you wouldn’t reject me, but you also wouldn’t say yes to a confession?”

Y/N was pushing him to his emotional limit. The mental blockade that always formed in his brain, beginning to cancel out his words. Zuko’s headspace was starting to empty, sleep being the only goal in mind.

“Those do really contradict, don’t they?” His eyes had begun to drop, opening and closing. Zuko’s body was now resting on Y/N’s, most of his weight being supported by her stature.

Y/N led her best friend towards his living quarters, still having a million questions at the tip of her tongue—whilst only one made its way out. “What does it all mean? You never said what it means.”

As she opened the door to his bedroom, Zuko let go of his hold on her. He gave her a toothless smile, weary from his low energy, and closed the door, giving her a final glance through the crack of light.

“It means that I’m tired, Y/N.” His eyes held her gaze, sending her waves of confessions in a single glance. “I’m tired and I can’t give you all that you need right now. Perhaps we can continue this in the morning.”

But with morning, came no confessions. No discussion of what had gone down the night before. It was as if they’d never been together at all, as if it was just another night between two platonic friends.

In reality, Y/N didn’t believe that she’d ever be worthy enough for someone like Zuko. Someone who seemed to be so unbelievably perfect for her in every way, shape, and form.

Maybe the best way to end this constant cycle would be to disappear. To leave him be, in his own happy little life, away from herself. She’d learned to live without him once, there was no way she wouldn’t be able to do it again.

The only problem was did she really want to live a life without him?

TAGS: @practicallylivesonline @cherryskyies @shell-bells-ringding @xapham @mochminnie @bombardia @xxspqcebunsxx @missmorosis @mysticpeacecrusade @akiris @simpinforsukka @protect-remus @kaylove12@lammello @user12345321 @duh-dobrik

98 notes · View notes

ourloveisforthelovely · 3 years

Text

Lost

Harry Potter AU

Request Fic

Summary: Regulus did everything he could to ruin his friendship with you. He turned cold, insensitive, and cruel. Now the two of you are paired up for a potions project. Old feelings and wounds are bound to open again. Regulus has to learn to accept that "mudbloods" aren't bad and loving one isn't wrong. Will he be willing to let go of his family's ideals or lose you forever?

Pairings: Regulus Black x Reader

Rating: M- angst

Song at the beginning: The Suffering by Song by Coheed and Cambria

_______

Is there word or right to say Even in this old-fashioned way? Go make your move girl. I'm not coming home. Would things have changed if I could've stayed? Would you have loved me either way? Dressed to the blues Day to day with my collar up. Decision sits so make it quick A breath inhaled from an air so sick I cursed the day that I'd learned Of the web you span You had your hold till bleeding If it was up to me I would've figured you out Way before the year clocked out Oh, I hope you're waiting I hope you're waiting

People change and hurt people hurt other people in return…

That sentence summed up so many things in your life at the moment. Your eyes turned to the Slytherin table where Regulus Black sat with his friends. The boy that you had a crush on since 1st year changed and not in a good way. He had gone from being somewhat kind to downright vicious. After he started making closer friends with Evan Rosier, a few years before Regulus had turned further into his “pure blood nature.” The last thing that he wanted was a “mudblood” like you for a friend. Hearing those words leave his mouth still hurt you to this day and that had been over two years ago. Why you let it both you, you weren’t sure. You were just Lily Evan’s mudblood little sister...nothing impressive (his words, not yours).

You frowned, scowling at Evan Rosier. He sat telling some animated story that had Regulus, Snape, and Barty Crouch Jr laughing. Evan was a topic of rage for you. If Evan hadn’t stuck his nose in your friendship with Regulus then there was a possibility that the two of you would have remained friends to this day.

Screw Evan and everything that he stands for!

It was Snape that looked in your direction. He gave you a polite smile before looking back to his friends. He was the one boy at that table that was kind to you. Granted it had to do with his insane crush on your sister but he was still nice all the same. Now that Lily wouldn’t talk to him after him calling her a mudblood, he used you to get information on Lily. “How is Lily?” “Is she doing okay? What about you?” (Those were Snape’s big questions (when his Slytherin buddies weren’t around).

That whole little table would shit a monkey if they knew that Regulus and I were sleeping together....then.

You thought with a cold glare. Sex was all that there was to it. Regulus liked to play rough and you were glad to go along with it. You were, after all in Regulus’ mind, the little Hufflepuff who he could easily manipulate into whatever he wanted. At first, it was just seeing what all of the hype was about. Was sex really as good as everyone went on about? In short, yes. It was exactly what everyone said and then some. Lovemaking turned into Regulus developing some major kinks.

You longed for the day when Regulus was a sweet quiet boy who enjoyed your company. Now he was something else and you couldn’t put your finger on it.

“My favorite hufflebuddy!”

Your thoughts were interrupted when Sirius plopped down beside you and pulled you into an overdramatic hug. Everything that Sirius did was overdramatic but you didn’t mind. He was getting you out of your head.

“And my favorite gigantic lapdog.”

You said with a smile earring a bigger grin from Sirius as James plopped down on your other side.

“Mini-red, you are looking a little gloomy this fine morning.”

You were used to Sirius and James calling you “mini-red.” It didn’t matter how many times that you told them that neither Lily nor yourself enjoyed being called big and mini-red it never stopped. You learned to accept it as some form of unusual endearment and roll with it.

“Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind with this potions class. Slughorn is going crazy.”

James looked thoughtful as he reached across the table for a cup of juice.

“Why do you think that I bailed out of positions as soon as I could? Lils seems to love him. From what I have heard he adores both Lily and yourself.”

You nodded.

“He does. He also adores Regulus.”

Sirius frowned

“Like my brother, Regulus?”

“How many others are there?”

You questioned. Sirius chuckled before his expression darkened.

“Watch out for him, Y/n. Just go with me on it.”

You couldn’t help but notice the expression on Sirius’ face went from jovial ready to prank someone to dark and depressed.

“What’s going on with him?”

You asked, cautiously. Sirius didn’t respond but instead, James did.

“Sirius believes that Regulus is now a death eater.”

“Believes? I know. I mean look at him! He looks like the perfect death eater. Plus all of his little friends are so why wouldn’t he join the crowd?”

James, Sirius, and yourself turned to look at Regulus who was staring at you three. You were afraid to look at him. The last thing that you wanted to do was meet his dark gaze. Since Regulus started changing you were scared of him. If he was a death eater, you would be someone on his list. Why would he want to be kind to a filthy mudblood?

(Meanwhile)

Regulus’ attention had turned to you when Sirius started hugging you like some kind of stuffed animal. Why that he cared so much he wasn't sure. Regulus didn’t even want to admit to himself that he cared for you. You were everything that his family trained him to despise. Yet here he was having some kind of weird fluttering feelings in his stomach when you were near. He hated you yet he wanted you...it made no sense.

“Why does she have to be so fucking beautiful?”

Regulus thought with a glare. He wanted nothing more than to walk across the great hall and shove you against the wall.

He didn’t want to admit to himself that he was jealous of Sirius’ friendship with you. Regulus was jealous of all the Marauders for their friendship with you. You were their little pet Hufflepuff when you were his first! He was the one that made love to you the first time. You were his lover and now Sirius seemed to be moving in on what was his.

“It’s your own fault that she got scared of you.”

Regulus’ mind supplied. He had taken extra steps to scare you away. Whether it be his unkind words or dark distant stares, you finally edged away. Regulus also didn’t want to admit that it was because he called you a stupid mudblood in front of all of his friends.

“Don’t think on it, Regulus.”

Regulus’ thoughts were interrupted by Snape’s voice. He looked up quickly.

“What are you talking about?”

He questioned. Snape motioned to you.

“Y/n Evans. You don’t need a companion Hufflepuff. I know that she was something to you a few years ago…”

“I was a stupid child. I don’t have any feelings for the mudblood girl. The same could be said about you and Y/n’s sister.”

Snape’s mouth formed a hard line. Regulus knew all about Snape and Lily’s friendship falling apart. He saw it happen.

“I’m not talking about myself. I am talking about you. We have enough duties to the dark lord to perform. If you were to be swayed by the girl, you would both be killed.”

Regulus scowled as he noticed your eyes flicker in his direction before quickly looking away. You were scared of him. Regulus wanted to be thrilled but at the same time, it was gut-wrenching. What Snape nor anyone else seemed to know was after Regulus ruined your friendship; he wrote you letters every day for three months. He sent letters and little gifts that would appeal to your quirky personality in hopes that he could win you back. You ignored everything.

He assumed that it was all for the best but it made the “gentle” side of Regulus sob in fury. What you didn’t know was you were the first person in his life that showed him any form of love. Seeing you shove his letter in the rubbish bin or deep into your bag with little to no expression on your face hurt him horribly!

Regulus swallowed back the rage and made a mental note that he needed to stop being so wishy-washy and focus on everything being for the best. There was no way that Regulus as a death eater could have a muggle-born girlfriend. It would be the biggest crock of shit known to wizardkind!

It's for the best…

Half an hour later you walked into Potions with a book in front of your face. You had been gleefully reading some romance book that Marlene McKinnon recommended to you. This was the closest that you would seemingly get to a healthy and not toxic relationship.

Sitting down you put the book up as Professor Slughorn stood up. He gave all of his favorite students his usual friendly good morning.

“Ms. Evans, you did a wonderful job on the last test. I can see that a wonderful brain is a quality with the Evans family.”

You smiled, happily as Professor Slughorn put your most recent test in front of you. Perfect score.

“I am assigning partners for our next project. I know that I typically let everyone pick partners but I think this time we will be doing something different. It's time to see how other people in the classroom work together.”

You internally muttered “uh oh” under your breath. For projects, you always teamed up with a Ravenclaw girl named Emilia Abbott. The two of you had made a common ground of helping each other keep perfect grades on Potions. Up until now, your plan worked like a charm.

“Okay, Mr. Black, I am putting you with Y/n Evans. The two of you have the highest grade in this class. I want to see what amazing things the two of you can do together.”

WHAT?!

You nearly shrieked the moment that Slughorn made that comment. Was it too late to drop potions? Would you really need this class after all? You could always take double potions next year, right?

After Slughorn paired everyone up, you didn't move to where Regulus was sitting. In fact, you didn’t even look in his direction. If he wanted to be your partner then he could get his ass up and come to you. Maybe he would magically forget who you were. Forget the fact that you spent a lot of time underneath him in the room of requirement with his hand on your ass.

What you didn’t see was Regulus staring at you with a frown on his face. He was waiting for you to get up. Instead, you didn’t move. You sat like a little statue staring dead ahead and trying to hide under your red hair.

Rolling his eyes, Regulus finally stood up. He walked across the room and sat down at the table that you were occupying. You didn’t look up nor meet his face.

“We do have to talk to each other, you know.”

Regulus commented. You finally met his eyes. The expression on your face was wary and your guard was up. No longer were you the happy girl that Regulus considered his Hufflepuff buddy. You weren’t the girl that went to him when someone was giving you a hard time or the girl who would try telling him a joke but giggle the whole time. Now you were silent.

“I suppose we do.”

You replied. Regulus had forgotten how much he missed your voice...your sweet gentle voice that was not loud but instead that remained even and soft even if you were mad.

“What potion do you want to do the report on?”

Regulus asked.

“I don’t know.”

You said, sounding almost lost. Since Regulus had sat down, you tried not to look at him. Your vision had gone from his green tie, to his hands, to his family ring, to his left arm. Was there a dark mark under this dress shirt? You couldn’t help but wonder if Sirius was right.

“Look, I am not going to fail this project because you are acting like a clueless tart.”

Your green eyes immediately met his. Regulus was waiting for you to cuss him out but he knew that it wouldn’t happen. He had barely heard you say the word “fuck.” It didn’t matter how much he tried to get you to step outside of your comfort zone, you wouldn’t say some words.

“What? Have something to say?”

He questioned. You quickly stood and gathered your books before storming out of the class without another word.

_______

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@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts

@wontlookaway

@mycuddlycorner

@sprnaturallover

#Regulus Black #Regulus Black x Reader #Sirius Black #James Potter #Remus Lupin #Lily Evans #James x Lily #timothee chalamet as regulus black #ben barnes as sirius black #andrew garfield as remus lupin #marauders era fic #regulus arcturus black #sirius orion black #the ancient and noble house of black #angst fic #death eater regulus #Harry Potter #Lost #Lost story

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the-lightning-strikes-again · 4 years

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Why do we feel such strong emotions to not existent people? How do people have crush and /or other deep feelings for... for example, Lotor?

Hi, anon! Wow, great question! A lot of researchers and psychologists have asked similar questions. The term “parasocial relationship” was coined by Horton and Wohl in 1956 to describe the deep relational emotions that fans were attributing to celebrities who had never actually met them before. Over time, the phrase “parasocial relationship” has moved to also mean the one-sided relationships that viewers can make with fictional characters as well, whether those bonds are based in friendship, romance, or even vicariously living through that character (kinning).

So when you talk about a fan connecting deeply with Lotor, then we’re talking about that fan’s parasocial relationship. And that phrase might help you find more psychology research about this if you’re interested!

To answer your question about “why” people make these kinds of bonds:

A 2018 academic article (Parasocial Relationships with Fictional Characters in Therapy) by Kathleen Gannon states, “Parasocial relationships can build overtime, and the more that someone is viewing, playing or reading about a character’s story the more likely that this connection to them will become more intense (Hall, 2017).” In other words, the more you’re exposed to the story of a character, the more likely you are to develop emotions for that character, and for those emotions to grow.

The types of emotions you might have for a character can depend on many factors, of course. But Gannon’s article and various others go on talk about how you might see yourself in a character, or see them experiencing a struggle you’re facing in real life, and those details inspire you to create empathy bonds. Some people admire the looks or traits of a character and want to be them, etc.

So that emotion you have for a character, whatever the emotion, is real, even if the fiction inspiring that emotion isn’t. And those emotions then help to dictate the type of bond you might have toward that character.

This article by Catherine Anillo (”Why we mourn fictional characters: The very real emotion behind fake death”) adds that the social phenomenon of several people coming together over a character further heightens that parasocial relationship. Because now, even if that character is fictional, the community based around them is in fact real, and your conversations about them are real, etc. That character becomes part of an actual, real-life culture and can even inform the real-life friendships and relationships you build, as well as your own personality or identity.

But is “level of exposure” the only factor for why someone might build a parasocial relationship?

Tilo Hartmann in his 2016 paper, Parasocial Interaction, Parasocial Relationships, and Well-Being, explores this:

There’s some research about how parasocial relationships may be a stand-in for lonely people who don’t have such relationships in real life, have been rejected in real life, or don’t have the social skills to have real relationships. This is called the Compensation Hypothesis, and it’s a little controversial. While there are some studies supporting this, there’s also several other studies showing that the Compensation Hypothesis can’t explain why so many well-adjusted people engage in parasocial relationships. In fact, Hartmann reveals that a lot of people who engage in parasocial relationshps aren’t lonely in real life and showed strong interpersonal skills during the study:

“Contrary to the skill-deficit compensation idea, research has found that people who are both motivated and able to develop social relationships, e.g., extro-verted individuals, may develop both more intense real and parasocial relationships. For example, in a study by Vorderer and Knobloch (1996), individuals who were not very motivated to mix with other people, but also were not shy, maintained the strongest parasocial relationships. Likewise, Tsao (1996) found that socially skilled people, i.e., individuals with higher cognitive and affective trait empathy, maintained the strongest parasocial relationships. In addition, in his study, trait extraversion was positively related to parasocial relationship intensity, whereas trait introversion was unrelated. Taken together these findings suggest that, contrary to the skill-deficit compensation hypothesis, people with greater – not weaker – interpersonal skills develop more intense parasocial relationships.” - page 135

Hartmann’s collected research overview goes on to suggest that there are levels of parasocial relationships and different kinds of attachments—in that some people have very, very intense attachments while others have a milder form of attachment. The research does seem to indicate that people with social anxieties might experience a more intense parasocial relationship with a fictional character or celebrity, compared to a person who is not as afraid of social rejection. And that explanation makes sense because…in a parasocial relationship, you’re the one in control of the relationship. The fictional character can’t actually say “no” to you or disagree/be cruel unless you envision them doing this. The fictional character satisfies the need to belong.

But according to collected research in Hartmann’s paper, it seems a willingness to engage in a parasocial relationship at all is part of what drives the entire entertainment industry and makes fiction a fun pastime for everyone (mentioned on page 137). If people can’t build a parasocial relationship with a show’s characters, then that show isn’t going to be seen as particularly likeable either. And even having relational emotions about social network blogs or twitters, etc. is a form of a parasocial relationship.

But is all of this bad?

That first article I tossed out, by Kathleen Gannon, talks about the use of parasocial relationships in therapy environments. So it seems that psychologists have become increasingly interested in plugging into this social phenomenon to help patients overcome things like trauma and anxieties, etc. And even Gannon herself acknowledges the type of fun and enjoyable communities that people build within cosplay circles, conventions, which also can feed into one’s own career.

So it seems like the answer to “why do we do this” involves a combination of these things:

Humans can make pack bonds with literally anything because we are emotional jelly bags, and very few people are immune to creating empathy bonds. The whole entertainment industry feeds off this very basic phenomenon and actually tries to hook you so that you’ll support a show or celebrity.

Parasocial relationships can help people overcome or face real-life issues or have an escape from real-life pressures.

Parasocial relationships are a known means of accessing fun communities and friendships with other like-minded people and can healthily add to a sense of well-being, social community, and identity.

(Note, the research from Hartmann does caution that a parasosocial relationship can become unhealthy/pathological, such as in the case of people who fully substitute real-life relationships for parasocial ones and isolate themselves from real people, or delude themselves into expecting that the character/celebrity can and should reciprocate the relationship. - page 138. So just like any relationship or social bond, a parasocial relationship has to exist within certain parameters for it to be a healthy and fun/meaningful addition to your life.)

But “why do people make a parasocial relationship with Lotor” specifically?

It seems the Lotor fandom is composed of many people with many different reasons for why they like this character:

The Lotor character is dynamic with several talents and flaws, so that makes him feel more real to begin with, as opposed to some wooden/static heroes or comic book villains. He’s very complex with a wide range of emotion and thought processes and motivations. He’s relatable because he’s imperfect, more fleshed out. More capable of being unpredictable, like real people are.

People seem to identify with his struggles as a person of mixed heritage and as a person who has suffered abuse and psychological trauma from his parents.

A lot of people admire that this character also doesn’t allow himself to be defined by a victim card. So for many, he takes on even a “role model” vibe in relation to overcoming abuse or prejudice.

A lot of people like that he has nerd vibes while also being physically powerful and commanding with weapons. So he’s both mentally and physically capable as a character. They might either want that for themselves or else are attracted to those traits existing in the same character.

He’s a very aesthetically pleasing character to many, with a complex visual design, so I do think people admire that about him, and that inspires other types of emotional bonds as well.

His darker, more dangerous side makes him an interesting springboard for typical power fantasies, potential Jungian “Shadow Confrontation,” or some kind of wish fulfillment.

The VLD show itself really played on viewer emotional bonds with this character by consistently showing his backstory in a sympathetic light, down to even flashbacks of him as an innocent child being brainwashed by toxic culture and growing up in an environment without Voltron to save him. So the way the show presented Lotor really heightened people’s already established connections with Lotor.

There’s probably other reasons that I’m just not thinking about why people connect with Lotor, lol. But either way, I hope at least some of this info helps answer your question or gives you resources or ideas to research further!

#Lotor #Voltron #Parasocial Relationships #Mental Health #Social community #Lightning doing some research

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pianoandcookiedoughlover · 4 years

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bitches say they’re gonna write up a list of things that would be cool to see in s6 of jamie johnson and then don’t follow up with that for like 2 years

it’s me. i’m bitches

as a preface this is just kind of a shitpost from start to end and they’re not really fully developed ideas but yeah, it’s something at least

jamie and dillon at northport

- see friendship strengthen, still with same dynamic that they’ve always had, very playful and with a lot of sarcasm

- jamie struggling with taking risks after injury - since you start learning to drive during these years in the uk, maybe fear of driving now?

- jamie defends dillon with homophobia that may arise, no wavering from that

- elliot has to fucking come back, dealing with a romance there, where dillon is really shy at first, doesn’t reveal his feelings for a little bit

- maybe foxborough make a comeback, tension with homophobia there? i don’t know if they seem like the homophobic type

- both finding their way as the youngest on the team - how do the older players handle it? are they pretty vengeful and jealous or are they impressed? maybe one of them has some kind of backstory that will intertwine with jamie or dillon’s, like a real-life mentor

- will we get a comeback of the guy who wanted to steal jamie for some team in china, i believe it was?

- maybe seeing some stuff from hawkstone with their new prodigy, highlighting that they never really cared, they only were worried about the money, which in turn makes jamie feel bad

- SIENNA MAKE A COMEBACK WITH A GIRLFRIENDDDDDDDDDD AND SEE ELLIOT AND DILLON TOGETHER

- okay, not likely, but like lowkey it makes sense to bring her back because duncan is going to be a more significant figure in this season, it would be nice to see him improve as a father and strike the balance between handling the club but also taking care of his daughter, who is going through a lot in her teen years, it would be nice to see them have nice moments at home together

- but like actually give her a valid storyline besides social media, what does she want to do when she gets older? i can see her almost doing something artistic, like designing outfits or something, but whatever we does, it would be nice to see her not feel so restricted by her father’s work and go along her own path outside the club

- sienna and dillon become friends again and people are like, “oh my god you have a gay best friend” and she becomes really vocal about that being literally the dumbest thing ever, the show can demonstrate this type of homophobia that’s kind of “in disguise,” not as in your face as dillon’s dad

- progressive queen and then realizes she can use her platform on social media to spread awareness, since that is what she enjoys doing

- but at the start of the season wanted to step away from it, reminded her too much of everything with her dad and wanted a break, she thought it was toxic but realizes she could do good with her voice

- jamie and jack reunite, even if it’s not playing against each other (i don’t think that would work), but meeting each other now when they’re both where they wanted to get to

- can we finally get that romance between them

zoe and kat at hawkstone

- talking about body image for women in sports

- it would be really cool to have transgender girl on the team, and some of the struggles she faces being an athlete while also being trans

- or talking about disabilities in sports, that would be really nice to see

- zoe falling in love with kat, but like no comment on sexuality, it just is what it is

- IF SHE BROUGHT KAT HOME AT THE END OF THE SEASON AFTER BEING SO HIDDEN ABOUT IT OH MY GOD AND SHE MET HER MOM

- like zoe’s very private because she’s worried that kat won’t like her if she talks about her mom, which is silly, but then seeing kat support her and learning how to be in a relationship with someone with a lot of responsibilities at home

- maybe her mom’s situation interferes with her place at hawkstone

- do they meet up with jack’s team again? would they even play against her (like are hawkstone and st. george’s even compatible?)

- exploring more of kat’s backstory, maybe why she’s so superstitious and what kind of an impact her grandmother had on her

- i believe she mentioned having a brother who plays (gave zoe his old boots) so it would be interesting to hear how having a sibling doing the same thing has affected kat, in a different way to the whole competition between dillon and liam

- watching kat lose some of her superstition in that she’s able to believe more in herself and her abilities and allow herself to make mistakes

- they’ll probably have a lot of pressure on them since hawkstone just started this new women’s team, maybe there could be a lot of competition with the boys’ team

- zoe is not going to do the whole, “being jealous of other girls” thing anymore, okay? she’s grown out of it

- honestly would like to see some dillon and zoe moments, wlw mlm solidarity

boggy our absolute hero

- boggy finding his passion outside of helping sports, unless that is his passion

- friendship between him and jamie struggling at first when he finds what he wants to do, but proving that you can stick together even with not exactly aligned interests

- schoolwork getting more intense with whatever tests they have to do at his age (i have no idea how the british education system works haha)

- check in with his therapy, see how that’s going, we actually see him get to go to one appointment, maybe, hopefully he’s built a good relationship with his therapist and we see the show promoting finding professional help if you need it

- maybe tries to get through a panic attack himself, with coping mechanisms he’s learned in therapy, i don’t know if the building pressure of school would be what induces it or not, but if his storyline is more about getting to see him outside of football, i doubt it would be because of anything related to the sport or stats or whatever

- anything about his family? like how they react to his diagnosis (unless he’s already told them what’s been happening), how close he is with them, if some of the pressure in school comes from at home, whether he has any siblings - we want to know more!!

- would he and nancy cross paths after he finds the thing he’s interested in, since it might be the same thing, or at least something similar, they realize they’re really good together and supportive of each other

- i can see them really pulling through, and it would be nice to see nancy being there for him with his panic attacks and learning how to be a supportive girlfriend to someone who does have problems with anxiety, panic attacks, etc

u14s at phoenix

- i want them to get a comparable opportunity as the gothia cup, something else though, so that they get the experience they missed out on with the whole duncan situation, the season will center around them working towards that thing, i don’t really have any suggestions since i don’t know football but i’m sure there’s something else for them out there

alba and ruby

- her and ruby get further apart, doing their own respective things, now that ruby isn’t playing football anymore, for some reason i feel like she’ll be into either art or psychology, but i can also see her trying to do some activism-esque stuff after her experience growing up in foster homes and now finally being adopted (!! i’m still so happy for them)

- now that she’s not playing at phoenix, we have no idea who ruby’s friends with, maybe she has some at school? i would like elliot to come back and the two of them to bond

- i can see ruby wanting to know more about her background but alba not being so much into that, which causes tension between the pair, ruby just feels like she doesn’t have a solid idea of who she is and wants to know where her roots are, whereas alba is in a good place at phoenix with a sense of being in a family there and doing what she loves

- alba’s anger management is poor, her and ruby bond over futsal or whatever after a period of time not talking after whatever issues come up between them

- the trio made up so it doesn’t seem like she has any issues with freddie or eric, but i want to see her grow more into the captain’s role and take on the responsibilities and stresses of getting the team to whatever opportunity they’re doing, maybe working more with duncan and him being more willing to help the team

eric

- i want to get a look into his home life, maybe how that affects him at school and just in general the emotional impact it has on him

- what happens to his family after the team get that comparable opportunity to gothia, compared to what ryan was doing?

- we’ve just heard little snippets of his life and it sounds like a really complex story to explore which i think would be really cool, dealing with grief and the loss of a family member, and how it affects day to day life

freddie

- once they get this formal opportunity, freddie would be asked to be more serious on the team, kind of always the jokester and not fulfilling his full potential

- he doesn’t know where he fits in and who he wants to be, was there something in his past that made him feel like he had to feel that jokester role (like how wozza with adhd always wanted to crack the jokes and make a fool of himself so people were laughing with him)?

- it would be great to see him get a bit vulnerable and open up about some of his motivations, but eventually he finds the balance between putting in effort and not getting distracted and also being his normal fun-loving self

- please keep commentating because that was lots of fun, freddie

liam

- i want to see him bond with one of the three when they’re in a bad spot, happened to be there by accident and they’re going through something that maybe he can relate to, that’s why he is able to help, that way it isn’t a planned way to get people to forgive him, but rather, just natural, now that he’s growing up a bit

- does he even want to do football anymore? or was it always a pressure from dillon being so good, and he’s found other interests? or maybe he just doesn’t want to be as good as dillon, i feel like there’s a lot of emotional manipulation from the dynamic at home, and i can see him realizing that he never liked football for football, he just liked winning and making his dad “proud”

the johnson family

- is karen dating someone new? i would like to see her on her own and she absolutely doesn’t need anyone to help her, but i also feel like she deserves someone that truly would be there for her and support her, especially after everything that’s gone on with ian

- i also want to hear more about her own career endeavors, and how that intertwines with jamie now going pro - she’s always been there to support him but it’ll be interesting to see how family impacts professional players in general, and ones that are really young like jamie as well

- is mike staying at phoenix? literally what’s the point of his character, does he even want to be with the now u14s? or is he going to try and interfere too much in jamie’s career, which he wouldn’t want because he’s now pro? maybe i’m just still kind of annoyed at mike and have a very negative view of his intentions, so ignore this

- ian can just disappear forever, please, unless he comes back for one episode because that’s what ian does

- what about feeling guilty for literally running his own son down bitch, i thought we were going to get a whole arc with that but maybe the point is that ian is such a flawed character and sometimes people don’t change and -

- who would teach jamie to drive, karen? new boyfriend? depending on who it is, it might present different issues with jamie learning to drive if they do want to explore him being a little nervous after the accident

TL;DR

i just kind of want to see more of the characters in their own individual element, bring in school more (season 2-3 vibes) and get a more well rounded view of some of the characters we don’t know a lot about. i think they’ve left it in a place with a lot of interesting storylines to be explored, i just hope we don’t get another freddie-eric-aisha love triangle situation

...

i was going to say stan stormzy for clean skin but it took me way too long to figure out what her name was so that is no longer a valid statement

#jamie johnson #dillon simmonds #delliot #zoe moore #kat clayton #boggy bogson #s6 #football

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moonshinelouis-archive · 4 years

Note

what about unbelievers did you wanna talk about?

literally everything???? like, unbelievers is entirely about character growth – but not just louis; from literally every character. there aren’t any flat characters or anything, they all play a part and they’ve all got their issues and contribute to the story. very well-rounded! the smut is used to strengthen their relationship and develop the characters!! there is friendship angst! because life isn’t just about romance! the ‘sexuality crisis’ feels genuine for their reality!! and also, yk, the story is also incredibly well-developed and precisely what a coming-of-age story strives to be. and also they kick toxic masculinity in the balls!!!!!!!!

[spoilers ahead!!]

the sex is not only very hot but also spectacularly used as character growth as well. on chapter one louis says: “the only positivity he can think of right now is that they didn’t kiss, so he didn’t get any hispter bugs in his mouth at least”; and they kiss here and there until, on chapter five it’s finally settled: “and kissing. that’s a thing … they kiss, and it’s not bad at all. It somehow makes the sex better, less of a physical thing and more… intimate, perhaps some would say.” after harry’s birthday sex, there’s a shift in how boyfriend-y they act (though that’s tied to louis’ further understanding of harry’s family), and niall and louis’ breakup: “everything is so bloody complicated. he doesn’t want to deal with it right now. he just wants to lie in bed, wrapped in a thick duvet, possibly with harry next to him. for reasons. whatever.” and when louis bottoms it’s a huge trust thing for him! “he wonders if harry felt safe with him. louis feels safe right now.”

i like that the angst is not just romantic angst. it’s also family and friendship and the pressure of school/football, on both ends. harry has his shit with jasmine and his family, too.

i love that, though louis does struggle with his sexuality, it’s not a sexuality crisis; he’s just not interested in being labelled, which, tbh, is not something i see much in one direction fic. chapter seven: “look, i like boys, okay? i’m not in denial … i just – i don’t know what i am.” chapter ten: “i remembered watching girl porn and i didn’t feel anything either. so then gay porn came to mind, and i thought that was pretty cool if i was imagining … because… then i look at you and…”

but my very favourite part is actually an underlying theme: while harry and louis are immature in many ways, and the entire thing goes down because louis doesn’t tell anyone about his feelings and what’s going on with harry, they don’t care what other people think. their treatment of masculinity is very healthy! the day lottie finds them, she says: “i bet you let him dom you, lou,” (chapter six) even though harry just had his hands pinned above his head like ten minutes earlier. and yeah, louis was kind of mad as she said it, but he didn’t care, not really. he didn’t go up to her after to correct her, he didnt feel the need to. he didn’t change his mannerism, even though later she says that’s precisely why she thinks that: “’what’s gay about this [clothes]?! and what do you mean? i’m not a princess.’ she shrugs. ‘wrist, hair flick thing… i don’t know.’ louis glares, affronted. ‘you’re all stereotypes, lots. get away from me, please.’”

ok thanks :)

#unbelievers #mel.ask #anon #i said: what the fuck are transitions #sorry

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briangroth27 · 5 years

Text

Annabelle Comes Home Review

Annabelle Comes Home is a respectable and dependably spooky addition to the Conjuring franchise. It isn't the scariest—none of the spin-offs have been able to touch The Conjuring 1 or 2 yet—but this is my third-favorite film in this ever-growing horror shared universe and I had a lot of fun watching it!

Full Spoilers…

It was great to have Lorraine (Vera Farmiga) and Ed Warren (Patrick Wilson) back in more than just stock footage, even if they still had reduced roles. I’m glad they touched on the real-life questions surrounding the veracity of the Warrens’ investigations: that’s a good aspect to mine for drama, both for them and for Judy (McKenna Grace) with her peers at school. As far as the Warrens go, it’s hard to play that real-life public scrutiny any further than they do here: there’s no question whether ghosts are real in the movies since we can plainly see that they are. This film finds the Warrens in a more traditional horror setup, with them out of the house and the terrors affecting the teenagers left home alone, but the movie’s creators found the right balance to keep them recognizably “the Warrens” while also exploring that setup. Plus, Farmiga and Wilson are both so good in these roles that it’s nice to see them in whatever new situations the writers can cook up! This setup offered a peek into their home life when they’re not on an investigation and brought a little more variety to this cinematic universe’s offerings. The one thing I would’ve liked from Lorraine and Ed this time was a discussion about whether or not they should continue keeping their haunted vault room in their house with their daughter. They have to decide that they will, given it still exists in the Conjuring films, but I would’ve liked to hear the thought process behind keeping it. Did they have second thoughts at all? Do they just trust that the kids have learned their lesson? Did Judy reassure them that she’d be fine, either through her actions here or with a newfound strength uncovered by the film’s events? Might they even use the archives room to train Judy in the use of her paranormal sensitivity to some degree? (Probably not, given that would mean intentionally exposing her to dangerous demons).

Like the Warrens, the rest of the characters were very likable and engaging. I greatly appreciated that the kids at the center of this film weren't the typical dumb teenagers messing with haunted things for fun or because of carelessness, but were instead aware of and at least a little respectful of the power of the Warren's archives. They were also capable in their own right (at least, as much as they could be in the face of this sort of danger). Judy's struggle with her burgeoning paranormal powers was well-handled and this was one hell of a first experience! The fallout at school from the questions about her parents' honesty was both a smart place to plant the seeds for the movie's main plot and to explore the unexpected (and until now, unexplored in this series) effects on Judy. I wonder if they’ll take liberties and have Judy grow up to follow in her parents’ footsteps someday, because Judy going from scared, lonely kid to opening herself up to the supernatural to save her friends was a great arc that could easily build into a new sub-franchise (particularly as we haven’t seen Lorraine’s early experiences with her supernatural abilities at an extended length). Grace did great with that transition and she was also really good at playing the more everyday character beats like Judy’s conflicting hesitancy and eagerness to open up to a new friend (Katie Sarife) despite pretty much everyone she knew thinking she was a freak (a very relatable tween/teen struggle). That development was a nice, grounded parallel to Judy’s sensitivity to the supernatural. I liked the idea that there would logically be good ghosts out there in addition to the demons the Warrens investigated, just like not all people are bad. That bit of wisdom was a cool moment for Judy’s babysitter and (initially) only friend Mary Ellen (Madison Iseman) to help Judy on her journey, giving Judy the courage to lean into her abilities to help save the day.

Mary Ellen was a refreshing change of pace as a responsible babysitter who truly cared about her charge. I liked her friendship with Judy and their scenes together felt totally natural and lived-in, as if their hangouts had been going on for years. I also enjoyed her displaying no hesitation to trying to put an end to the ghosts once she knew what was going on. Iseman’s acting and Mary Ellen’s writing also made good use of the push and pull between her responsibility to take care of Judy and Daniella’s intrusion into both the Warrens’ house and her romantic life. Mary Ellen’s awkward flirtation/burgeoning romance with Bob (Michael Cimino) was cute and the film included just enough of it to sell their mutual attraction and chemistry, while keeping it at a realistic level for teens who knew each other but didn't really hang out (so there was no "it's totally love already!"). The one beat that rang a little false for me was Mary Ellen and co. going “We’re totally fine!” at the end of all that terror: that was a touch too glib IMO, but as teens trying to save face in front of their peers—especially the guy she liked—it still worked. Besides that, I’m glad the horrors here weren’t just laughed off and there was an honest discussion with the Warrens about this being a serious incident.

Mary-Ellen's friend Daniella gets that talk and it was a nice show of responsibility that she’s the one who pushed Lorraine to call her out on her mistake. Throughout the movie, she was well-drawn not just as a dumb teen looking to stir up some ghosts for laughs, but as someone who had real pathos in wanting to see her dad (Anthony Wemmys) again. While you’re spending the movie thinking that she should absolutely not be exploring the vault and trying to contact her dad, her performance and the writing make it totally understandable that she would. I bought her sadness and guilt and thought she walked the line between accomplishing her agenda and genuinely caring about Mary Ellen and Judy very well. I also liked that she truly seemed interested in Judy as a person, even if she was also using her to see her dad again (if only she’d just asked Judy which artifact could help her!). All three of the central girls have a similar complexity to their characters, pulled between what they want and what’s been forced on them (Judy’s powers and the isolation caused by them and her parents’ reputation), what they’ve been hired to do (Mary Ellen, though she would still be Judy’s friend; her arc has the least tension), and what they’ve convinced themselves they have to do (Daniella seeing her dad again, which makes her a nice foil for Judy in that the paranormal is what she’s seeking but her pull away from it comes from befriending Judy). That’s a cool common building block to these characters that immediately makes them multi-dimensional, a state that’s only further enhanced by the actresses’ performances. Ben was fun as an awkward teen with a crush, and I liked that he wasn’t too toxic, like you might expect from a high school boy in a horror movie. Another refreshing twist (and a bonus gift stemming from the public scrutiny about the Warrens’ cases) was that all the kids readily accepted that ghosts were real rather than having to go through the motions of beginning to believe in them.

While this was entertaining, I’m over Annabelle as an antagonist at this point: she was fine here, but the other ghosts definitely felt like more of a threat and stole the show while it felt like the doll didn’t do much of anything (even though it was the object pulling the other ghosts to the house). I wouldn’t mind if this were the last Annabelle movie, as it seems like they’ve said all there is to say about the doll. They also included a nice full-circle tie back to Annabelle Creation with a brief vision of her human self (Samara Lee), making it feel even more like this is the last one. Thankfully, there was a sizable monster mash of new ghosts here too! While I would’ve liked some more focus on each of them (a longer haunting act would’ve been nice), I liked what we got and there was a solid variety to the types of scares they generated. The Ferryman was scary and I liked the mythology behind him as well as his appearance. The the coins hitting the floor and rolling in to view to herald his approach were really creepy-cool, and the rules about him appearing in the dark vs. disappearing in the light were used against and by him really effectively. At one point I was hoping the “werewolf” case would be the basis of Conjuring 3 since it seemed like an original take on both a possession and a werewolf movie, but I guess not. Still, I liked that they got some classic werewolf imagery out of the Black Shuck (Douglas Tait) when it ripped up the car. The Bride (Natalia Safran) and the typewriter brought a classic ghost sensibility to the mix and the Feeley Meeley game was bizarre even before it was haunted! The movie definitely left me wanting to know more about the other ghost artifacts in the Warrens’ vault, especially the cursed samurai armor and the future-telling TV. Maybe they could make a web series or something exploring the cases that brought the vault objects to the Warrens’ attention!

Annabelle Comes Home has a strong cast with well-written and atypically alert characters facing a good variety of specters. The pacing’s solid: they take their time introducing us to the characters, which helped generate fear for them when they were put in danger and made the film feel like a throwback to 70s horror, which is fitting given the film’s setting. It also helped to defuse any knee-jerk “this is a real dumb plan” reactions to Daniella trying to contact her dad because she explained her mission enough for me to be invested in it (giving her such a strong a need to see him also avoids any “this is what you get for being stupid” reactions when her quest puts everyone in danger because I felt sorry for her). Jump scares don’t bother me—they’re fun too!—and this movie definitely has some effective ones along with the creepy visuals (like the denizens of a graveyard (Sheila McKellan and others) approaching the Warrens’ car that only Lorraine can see). The paranormal attacks seemed more intense overall in the Conjuring films and Annabelle Creation, which are probably the three scariest entries in this franchise so far (though I liked this one and these characters better than Creation’s). The music, both the score and the 70s songs, was well used to creepy effect.

This movie might not have been necessary, strictly-speaking, since we already saw Annabelle get loose in the first Conjuring, but it was definitely a lot of spooky fun! It's a solid haunted house flick with a strong cast and that’s exactly what it needed to be. It’s also a good ending to Annabelle’s spin-off trilogy and got me ready for the next Conjuring with the focus shifting back to the Warrens (and maybe Judy this time?). You should definitely check this out!

Check out more of my reviews, opinions, and original short stories here!

#annabelle comes home #the conjuring #annabelle #mckenna grace #madison iseman #katie sarife #Vera Farmiga #patrick wilson

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kayanne369 · 5 years

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18th of Last Seed

I awoke early this day. Gerder and Ralof were discussing the situation at hand. It took me a few minutes to remember where I was, to be honest. I stayed relatively quiet throughout their conversation. I’m not sure why. I’ve always been more of a listener than a talker. Was always taught the value of listening. They both looked at me when the realised I was awake and smiled warmly. That hearty warm-blooded smile that Nords wear so well. Gerder offered me some breakfast. I still wasn’t very hungry but good manners would not let me refuse. It was not long after that Ralof brought up the topic that was likely on all our minds, but no-one wanted to say. Dragons. We had seen a dragon. We had been attacked by a dragon. We had survived an attack by a dragon. No others made it to the village that day so I can only assume that we were indeed the only survivors. This tiny village. A tiny village made up of farmers and craftsmen. It wouldn’t stand a snowball’s chance in oblivion if a dragon decided to attack.

It was the man that finally called on me. I had by this point learned his name to be Hod. Odd name, but there we go. He asked me for a favour. A simple favour in all honesty. Go to Whiterun. Tell the Jarl about the dragons. Bring back reinforcements. A simple task really. I thought so at the time and I think so now. I don’t really wish to get too involved in whatever this god's forsaken land has gotten itself into. I’ve been hearing murmurings about some kind of civil war all day and quite frankly, I could care less about it. But these people were kind enough to take me in. Feed me and let me sleep. I honestly consider it my duty at this point to repay them in some way and since I have nothing in the way of material goods to give, a small favour seems like nothing. So, I agreed. If what I was told was correct, Whiterun was little more than half a day away. I did however with that Ralof would come with me. To keep me from getting lost if nothing else. Oh, well. All’s well that end’s well in this case.

Before I headed out, I thought it a good idea of collect some supplies, but as my bad luck would have it, I walked right into the middle of a blazing argument between the two proprietors. Something about bandits and a golden claw and the future of the shop depending on it and this Camilla girl insisting that she go an confront them like it wasn’t the stupidest idea ever thought up. Eventually, I agreed to go and retrieve the claw for them. Honestly, I feel taking down a few bandits would do me the world of good at the moment. I was about to leave when the door burst open, practically knocking me on off my feet. A young Nord walked in. Blonde hair tied back. Broad shoulders. A smile that could worm its way into any woman's heart. He didn’t even seem to notice me when he passed and strode confidently up to Camilla, presenting her with a makeshift bouquet of wildflowers. It would be rather charming if the fellow didn’t give off such an arrogant air about him. The two flirted playfully for a while. At the very least Camilla seemed to reciprocate his affections. I left in a quiet hurry just as the shop owner, who I took by his reaction was the young lady’s brother, decided to put a stop to this rather embarrassing display and showed the lad out.

He blew a kiss at the closed door and looked at me rather suspiciously. I snapped a quick “What?” at him and he offered a half-hearted smile.

“I haven’t seen you before” he said.

“No,” I said back, not really intending to talk to him.

“Are you new?” he asked, leaning slightly closer to me.

“I am.” I reached back for my dagger. I’d no intention of using it but I thought perhaps that if he saw it, it would dissuade him from conversing with me further.

“Not often we get a Dunmer around here. Are you a friend of Faendal?”

I looked at him, questioningly. There was an almost hopeful anticipation in his voice. I fought back the urge to tell him that I had no idea who this Faendal character was, and answered with a quiet shake of my head. He seemed almost anxious at this, rubbing his arms and avoiding my eyes.

“Oh, I see. Um…well, in that case, do you think you’d like to meet him?”

I gave him a very odd look and took several steps back. He must have seen the seriousness in my expression for he gave a sigh and slumped over the railing. He offered a passing attempt at an apology and out of brazenness or stupidity, our right confessed that he hoped I’d be a suitable partner for this Bosmer chap that he’d apparently been in something of a love feud with Sven for the fair Camilla’s affections.

“I suppose it doesn’t really matter,” he said to no-one in particular. “They’re just friends after all.”

I couldn’t stop myself from scoffing.

“Of course. And when ever has a close friendship developed into feelings of love.”

Not entirely sure why I said that. Maybe just to get a rise out of him. Maybe I actually felt sorry for the twit. Either way, he gave me a look of utter disdain and then almost immediately relented and agreed. He looked at me rather sheepishly and asked if I could do him a quick favour, after which he reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper and handed it over to me.

“Listen. I know this is none of your concern really, but could you deliver this to Camilla. Tell her it’s from Faendal?”

I shot him another look but took the paper from him anyway. I’d no desire get involved in this foolishness. I had things to do. I didn’t have time to be dealing with some silly love triangle. But on the other hand. I relented that it might be nice to play matchmaker for a time. At least this is what I told myself. In truth, I think I just wanted to read what this young whelp had written. Pure nosiness. I will not try and pretend it was anything but. However, given the nature of the letter he gave me, I’m quite glad I made that decision. The letter I held in my hand was full of toxicities so vile I doubt the young man had any real awareness about its severity. The long and short of it was a statement that the difference in race between the two meant that Faendal and our dear Camilla could never be together. This was bad enough. But it was not what enraged me so. The letter mentioned the Aldmeri Dominion. Made very dangerous accusations. This was a Nord village. It doesn’t take a genius to understand the uneasy relationship these people have with my kind. Somehow, this Faendal had slipped through the cracks of prejudice and set up a life here for himself. If there was even the slightest hint that he was connected with the Thalmor I shudder to think what would happen to him. And this was the letter he wished me to deliver? A letter that could ruin a man’s life. A man I had never met? Over some girl?

What a sickening thing to do. Honestly, the fact that I’m rather sure Sven was nothing but ignorant about how damaging this could be was the only thing preventing me from sticking my dagger through his neck…that and his mother was literally sitting a few feet away from me. I took the letter and decided that I’d probably better tell this Faendal character what was going on. If this idiot was willing to say something like this, then it was likely something Faendal would have to look out for.

I actually found him relatively quickly. I’d passed by him before but we had never talked until now. He was tall for a Bosmer. Dark eyes. Long white hair pulled back in a high ponytail. He looked at me and smiled. Can’t deny there was an earnest charm about him. Perhaps it was just nice to see one of my own, but I wouldn’t fault Camilla for having an interest in him. His demeanour changed however when I showed him the letter. His body visually tensed up and he clutched the letter in his hand. Obviously, I was not overreacting when I considered how damaging this could be to him. He peered over to me and gave me a quick smile, silently thanking me for telling him. We were silent for a moment before he suddenly perked up and pulled me over to a large tree stump. He took out a piece of paper and without uttering a word began scribbling on it with a piece of charcoal. It took me a few seconds to figure out what he was doing but when I did, I couldn’t help but giggle. What he was writing was a letter in return. A taste of the bard’s own medicine. Nothing as potentially life-destroying as the one Sven had made for him, but one that if delivered to a certain young woman, would not hold him in good favour. Still makes me laugh. I almost feel sorry for the boy.

Oh well. To cut a long story short, Sven’s prospects of romancing Camilla are now significantly lower than before. However, both Faendal and I recognised the danger before us. Sven was obviously willing to tell egregious lies in order to get him out of the way. I doubt there is any real malice intended with him. Just stupidity. But stupidity is as dangerous as anything. In any regard, I suggest that Faendal accompany me to retrieve the golden claw that seemed to mean so much to the fair imperial. Perhaps if he returns it to her instead of me, he could gain favour. I can’t believe I’m giving this so much though. I truly did intend not to get involved in this. On the other hand, I also intended that this journal would be a factual account of important matters and we see how well that turned out.

He agreed and we set out towards Whiterun. I wish I can say something more interesting happened on the way, but alas, it was a perfectly calm and uneventful journey. We chatted together, mainly about Camilla. The fool truly does seem to love her. I told him about what happened at Helgan. He seemed dubious, like I had been remembering things wrong or that perhaps I was playing a trick on him. This aside, we travelled silently and by the time we reached the city, it was near midnight. Too late to talk to the Jarl now. He will be asleep. Everyone will be asleep. All we can really do is hope to the eight that Riverwood will be safe from those beats for one more night. We decided to spend the night in an inn. I believe it’s called the Bannered Mare. It’s a hearty place. Rough and warm like a tight embrace. I do love these Nord customs.

Just before we turned int for the night, Faendal took my arm and looked dead into my eyes.

“Did you really see a dragon?”

“I did more than see it.”

He let me go. His eyes were worried, but I could not quite place at what specifically. His home perhaps. His lady love back in Riverwood. The prospect of possibly facing one. I don’t know, for he retired before I could ask. I will in the morning.

#skyrim #dragonborn #Elder Scrolls #faendal #riverwood #lovely letter #fiction #oc #the journal fic

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thisislakewood · 5 years

Photo

→ IN CHARACTER INFORMATION

Character Name: Eli Drake

Character Age: 37

Faceclaim Choice: Alexander Skarsgard

Gender and Pronouns: Cis male, he/him

Birthplace: Kingston upon Thames, London, England

Birthday: May 18th, 1981

Occupation: CEO of Drake Consolidated Mines

Family: In favour of the Rinaldi Cartel

Position: Associate

→ BIOGRAPHY

Triggers: Death

Destiny was a gift to those deserving of it, righteousness was saved for the strongest, and glamour was just fucking fun. These were all the things that encompassed all that was Eli Drake. The grandeur of his life was shifted from boredom, to prestige, to being nothing short of an utter fuck up—to getting his life together. Playing the world as one large game—and looking to win. Born and raised in Kingston upon Thames in London, to a Swedish mother and an English father. Within the nature of their affair–his father abandoned and divorced his first wife in lieu of Eli’s mother–shown to Eli from a young age, that all, potentially, were disposable, if you viewed them as such. Of course, none of this was diluted either, given the borough he resided in within his youth brought prestige within his thus short life. Eli was a child, blessed with righteousness and need to prove the world wrong. Or, in some twisted chance of fate, his parents. With the coming ground that he’d grown up within the knowledge that status came from money, and the levels of your own bank account proved further if you deserved to rule the world or not. This notion was drilled into his mind since a young child, by the overburden passing thought that they were nothing more than their own self-worth. A mother laden with alcoholic substances practically thriving through her blood, and a father’s who’s best skill was feeling up whatever assistant he’d hired that week. What a way to raise a child, yes? Cold. That’s what lingered for the man, as he’d sprouted quite wonderfully. With the dull attention that London’s grey skies laid on his horizon, he knew one thing—breaking from them, becoming the powered instead of seduced by it was the common goal. Eli was not someone who was going to sit there and wait for the world to hand him the trophy he wanted, nay, deserved. Throughout his life, Eli was exposed to the harsh tones of what became of the scum considered within the workings of Cartels. Until one came along and paid gloriously.

Being their own Mining conglomerate, it only made sense that the darker seeds of distrust sprung from the truth that there were ways to get rich easily—and then there were ways to stay rich. That was the lifestyle and choice that his parents choose, knowing that there could never be a chance they didn’t try—nor sunk into the vastly unappealing title of “millionaire.” If they were not billionaires, they were nothing. The depiction of unhealthy relationships spring from his parent’s relationship. Eli was taught fights included smashed glass from tossing it at someone’s head, that commitment was a sickness, and no man could ever truly settle for one woman. But that was a toxic suggestion from his father, that should his mother ever cheat, which he’d known first-hand how well she got on with the staff, that would be the end of it all. So it was played and followed, coy at first, before it sunk into the fact that this life—his life—was going to be swallowed up by the truth. The truth of his emotions, his soul, and never lay barren to another soul. Truth would’ve been spun, outlined to something else. Something approved.

Even as he grew into his teens, and finally adulthood, Eli was the by-product of his parents’ inaction to raise a regular human being. The toxic notion that he was above all span all the sexes, all partners of both beings, and shifted him into an atmospheric nature that alluded all who came into his cross hairs. Of course, in the simple sense, he was cold, complicated, calculated and positioned to get all he wanted. Notably, a few celebrities fell into that list, a prince and princess—or two—and cartels. Deep within the shaded area of his family’s wealth laid the truth of their pious growth. Cartels—in this, the Rinaldi Cartel—dignified them with the millions more that cap-sized the billions he earned through his family’s work. And while he played the title of bachelor and heir—it never came into light that he’d one day have to settle, slow his path and take over. But accidents happen, don’t they? In the light of a stormy night, did the whispers of words reach the wait staff within his home before it had ever been whispered to the only child who sat atop a multi-billion dollar fortune. That he was the sole heir to the Drake Diamond Mine. That he would step above all those who would consider others, over the rules of the will set forth from his father long ago—so long ago, he was convinced, as hues scanned the will’s truths, that his father looked at it long before his father realized just how much he hated his only child. Had his sheltering in ways he was as unaware as a child, kept him away from the darker sides of the world were unacceptable? Possibly. Did it make his intention crueler even so—yes.

The death turned him into the shell of a man, something that shook him to his core. He didn’t recognize himself, a slink into the darkened state came with drug abuse, finding cocaine his weapon of choice. For six months, Eli spent his time on a high, drunk too often, and coming to a crossroads where he didn’t know where the line began and ended. He severed ties with those who held tight within his parents circle, finding their well-wishes almost cruel and unwanted. Finding himself slip from everything he once was, right down to the physical appearance. There was an issue—when he’d known he’d hit rock bottom. Finding friendship in those around him—the few he kept himself involved with, he cleaned up, and his physical being took precedence over everything else. By the time a year and a half had passed since his parents passing, Eli had moved into something his parents would be rolling over in the grave for. Now, with the world at his feet, the bevvy of beings lined up to catch his eye—it took no time for Eli to simply spin this too his advantage. His eye had been caught by Naomi Stone long before he would’ve ever admitted it too. He wouldn’t have been allowed to, back then when his parents walked the earth. Simplicity in a woman who kept him on his toes then would’ve barked at the notion that he was not like his father—and that would not fly.

Then again, he certainly was. In all his truths, abandoning and then having her kicked off his yacht almost a hundred miles off the coastline of Southern France, it might’ve been the breaking point of a second where he could’ve come back from it all, been a better man. But that was just the thing—he was a product of insanity, the binds never existing for a soul such as he, and when confined to tight corners, they lash out—break free. Summer romances came and went, memories stung to his mind like a piercing light in the middle of darkness, but he wouldn’t elude them to be anything more than that. That’s all they were. Then, and now. Now, now all that mattered was the job, the portrayal of business man while his shadow confined to London’s dismal corners, he traveled to Lakewood, where his wealth would be amassed by the treasure of control, something he longed for in his own profession. Mines purchased to further his own, while aiding the development of a family he thoroughly believed in, through his friendship with Elisabeth Rinaldi. Both of them understanding that the purpose was gain, and gain was money. Nothing, nothing, would stand in Eli’s way of that.

→ PERSONALITY SUMMARY

+ Bold, Loyal, Goal-oriented - Domineering, Unpredictable, Aloof

#alexander skarsgard #rp #gang rp #mafia rp #oc rp #taken #rinaldi cartel

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usernamingishard · 6 years

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Life is a montage: atleast mine is

As a child I had a strong connection to film, stories, books and cartoons. But first, let me take a moment to describe that any matter, any entity, any item or concept, any notion or instrument is but a branch, with many branching leaves or sometimes further branches. A computer is not just a computer, it's also what that computer can do, it's also what that computer is made of, it's also a single technological advancement amid a timeline of others, it's also a conversation about the gadgets available for the youth. So when I say I had a strong connection to film, stories, books and cartoons, I don't mean just the narration of other's lives through whatever media available whether that media is a book or TV show. What I mean is, I am interested in the concept of three act structure, I am interested in the concept of reocurring themes, I am interested in the power and effect of framing, I am interested in the expression of emotion through facial expressions in movies, and sound effects in cartoons. I spent my childhood delving into stories of heroes, of villains turned good guys, of Romance, of the friendship between a boy and his dog, of how people go through heartache, of how High school is going to be, of what bullies look like and how to stand up to them. I see Movie, Books and cartoons (I'll call Media for short) in every day life, and I see every aspect of my life in Media. This could be called natural, everyone has had their head wrapped around something as a child, but Media is different in that it is an expression of life itself, so in these 50 years since the first product of film, and thousands since the first written word, every part of life has been incorporated atleast once. It'll be very hard to remember a concept or matter or life event that hasn't been mentioned in one way or another in a movie, let alone books. Technologies' effects on life? Black mirror is a single example. Hitler or pearl harbor? Inglorious bastards and a movie of the same name. Coffee? I think you can take a few minutes to find a movie where a character invites to have coffe or drinks. Standing up to bullies? I guess all/most of the superhero movies? However, when Media express them, they express them in such dramatic and impactful way, and I learned that, and incorporated it into my expectations. each wink furthers or enhances the plot, each misstep or stutter is exposition about the character, each door opening scene is suspense. Naturally, the way the plot moves also becomes of the things that I expect in life. There's a happy ending for every plot and subplot, the main character (easily known to be me) gets the love of his life, and there's a solution and reason to this emptiness I feel inside me.

But real life? It's nothing like that. Many times a family member may make me doubt myself without even them actually being toxic, nor should I leave them, nor do we solve their attitude, either by talking or actual effort, unlike any of the movies I've watched. I've never had a relationship no matter the efforts I've payed into the few crushes that I've had the past few years, even though that's how all books end. And the personal flaws in the main character have been with me since childhood, unlike any of the comic book characters I've read grow over them. And worst? Music doesn't play whenever something important happens. Life feels unscripted, random, inconsiderate, unfeeling. I feel out of place so often that I don’t consider myself to be a normal neurotypical, even though I most probably am. However, none of this compares to the aftermath of my last crush. For reasons I shan't delve into, I very vigorously wished to accomplish having her by my side, and as such, turned her standards into my own goals, and became obsessed with bursting through limits not set for me. All through that period, and a few months after rejection, I was left clueless. I had a line to success that I was not on, neither at the failing side nor at the successful side. I felt out of tune. I knew I wasn't a man, and I knew I wasn't human. because I set my whole world on that scale that I was not even in league with. I wasn't under her standards nor was I above, I was her friend. A different zone, you could say. She appreciated and loved me without the hope of being her lover, but I didn't acknowledge that. During that year, nothing made sense, everything I've ever seen in a movie or a book or a TV show was far from applicable to my life. There were no happy endings, no retribution, no closure infact, no good music, no starry skies, no good times with good friends, no family bonding moments. I spent that period just attending school and sleeping. A lifeless robot going through the norms. Meanwhile, inside me was something heavy crushing against my ribs, that although heavy, was empty.

So, I learned to not think about it. This was a very hard lesson that I learned to master. I cut off from my crush for a while, got busy in friends, in anytime I had outside, in any small accomplishments I can consider. Slowly I started to acknowledge the good little things, such as that one positive friend, listening to a good song without interruption, and having lunch with the family after being too hungry at school. I acknowledged throughout that whole time that a girl wasn’t and couldn’t have been the reason behind the way I feel. It’s just that life didn’t go my way for the millionth time, and that was just my last straw. I accepted that life has no absolutely no algorithms, artistic cycles or patterns, in other words no set series of events and experiences, reocurring themes or chronological set of circumstances and changes. As I said, I started to appreciate the little things, and accepted that this is all there is to life. No big event or shocking marriage or solution to a world problem, just a good cup of coffee every once in a while, and a new gift from a good considerate friend every other.

There's a drug in Egypt called Hash. I suspect that it's nothing more than a less intense version of weed, and those who I know tried both have said the same, but that’s not scientific evidence so I can’t say anything for sure. Basically, a high means any train of thought is 1. Unstopped, you can get to as deep a level as you’d like in thinking about something, and 2. It feels right. No matter what’s the issue you’re thinking about, you’re right to think about it now, you have the solution to it, it doesn’t feel out of place, and you’re accepted. But the train of thought can be anything. That’s why my friends who are there for the laughs can joke with each other and laugh for hours, while I can literally watch a movie and feel so ingrained into it. Mind you, not a movie on TV, a movie through my eyes. And that was my high, but lemme start from the beginning.

I was with a friend, and another called us, told us he has some stuff to try, so I told him to come. It wasn’t a blunt, it was a pure piece of the stuff, that we could put in a cup, hang a cigarette between the walls of the cup, and burn the Hash. You close the cup with a wallet or anything really, and when there is enough gas collected in there, u remove the wallet and inhale. We did that, playing nothing else matters by Metalica. A friend was laughing in silence, and the other was having red eyes and staring into the wilderness, and I was completely sane and normal. when the hash was snuffed out, they fished out the cigarette and gave it to me. I smoked it, when for some reason the latter half of the cigarette fell. I looked at it, and in a single moment I felt like I didn’t have within me the energy to pick it up in a million years. Thankfully my friend did, and gave me ashtray and told me to snuff the cigarette out, it’s done. I did as commanded, laid my back to the chair’s back, and everything cut to black.

What I thought being on drugs would feel like, was exactly what I felt. Although I have zero memories of this time and instantly woke up to people trying to wake me up, I remembered later feeling absolutely enthralled and impressed at every thought, and the sheer force of final solution that I had reached. I didn't have a single speck of trouble finding the solution to anything I thought, and I was so accurate. Nothing else matters, who does it represent to me? Of course my best friend from high school. Why? Well easily because when the singer says "never cared for what they do, ... what they know" we had a conversation that was just like that. And of course it makes sense that in this moment of high, I'd think of him, because he's the type of best friend I'd wanna show this feeling to, and because his moral compass might challenge the idea of smoking anyway, and indeed I felt like I did not at any moment question if this is right or wrong and just jumped into it. So it's natural that that thought would affect the next one.

What you just heard was flawless argument. There was no pressure to find the right thing to say, no wait process, and not a single moment of loss where something feels out of place or is the wrong answer. After I woke up from the black, I found that I was crying my balls out, and my two friends were trying to wake me to see what's up. They took me to the bathroom to wash my face. You know that dramatic scene in a movie where you look in a mirror and stare real hard so you start to regain control? I did that. My friend said salty things wake you up, so he brought us a sandwich. You know the after credits of The Avengers, how after all the thrill and action of the fight, the next scene to contrast that was the Shawerma scene? That's exactly what I saw, one friend munching in silence as he looked at the ground, the other contemplating god knows what in the sky. To almost make me regain consciousness the friend who brought the stuff went "what y'all just went through, that's trippin'", kinda like how a mafia guy goes "it's alright you have nothing to worry about all you need to do is etc, etc." And that's exactly what I was describing in the beginning. Every single breath these guys took, every single moment of silence, every chat was something out of a movie, and I was having the goddamn time of a lifetime. I was giggling like a lunatic, and at one point raised my hand and made a frame as if I'm filming them, zooming with my eye at the person who's speaking. Everything about a movie, I was so in control and comprehension of. For example, I once was sitting with some people at a pool. I'd look at the pool, the green, blue aqua lights, together with the waves of water would feel so serene and calm and beach like. I'd feel alone, relaxed, sleepy, everything you ever heard about looking at the beach. Then I'd flip my head 20 degrees to the left, and I'd see my friends. Even though we're still at the pool, the scenery changes so strongly, I'd suddenly feel more awake, feel a crowd of people even though there's only four others, feel socially awkward as I usually am around people. Feel the colours change towards orangy red. Look back to the pool, get sleepy, serene, quiet, look to the friends, feel awake, hyper, attentive, awkward. I also did that a couple of times because I was so amazed at how strange everything that was.

I smoked a whole bunch of times since then. I can't put the things in words that would do it justice.

Now, returning to my normal life, something quite strange started to take place. The thing that was lacking in my life, those scenic moments, those expectations, they started to somehow come alive. I started to learn things and change in personality, it felt as though every trip to the beach came at the right time and so I appreciated it more, I

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