#im tired im tired but ive been crying in the bathroom for over an hour because sometbing so stupid triggered me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mattsrod · 3 months

Note

PLEASE WRITE SUBMISSIVE VIRGIN MATT SMUT I AM BEGGING YOU. also please no mommy kink or anything like that, maybe matt could have a praise kink BUT PLEASE I WILL LITERALLY CRY IF YOU DONT WRITE THIS 🤗

- ; MATTHEW STURNIOLO ; -

' PLEASE ? '

✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪✪

- ; warnings - smut (obvi), sub!matt, hand jobs, slight dom!reader(?), matts a virgin, reader is experienced, fluff in the beginning, kind of long, blowjob, cum swallowing.

- ; 11:02 am

; your pov

ive been lying in bed for what seems like an eternity, waiting for matt to wake up. my hair is a mess, i have the most miss-matched pyjamas on, and i feel like shit.

i texted nick not too long ago, asking if he wanted to get something to eat.

no reply, he was probably sleeping too.

all I want to do was get ready for the day with my boyfriend.

I want to push gentle kisses into his neck and tell him how pretty he looks as he brushes his teeth.

but he has other plans. and those plans probably consisted of sleeping until 2pm.

and im not gonna accept that.

"matt." I brush my warm fingertips against his exposed arm. the light shining through my window is almost directly in his eyes.

he pulls the covers over his head. "c'mon matt." i coo once more. he let out a groan, but he is so tired that it comes out sounding like more of a whine.

I giggle, to which matt lets out a real groan at.

"matthew c'mon, ive been waiting for you to wake up for like, an hour."

I slowly grip the covers and swiftly rip them off of him in an attempt to catch him off-guard, but when I look at him in the eyes, hes already looking directly at me with a goofy smile and wide eyes.

"Jesus Christ-" I mutter, and matt chuckles slightly, his eyes now scrunching into his smile instead of widened in an attempt to scare me.

"i knew you were awake, now c'mon, get dressed or something."

matts stuffed animal, a small pug, fell off of the bed as I stood up and started walking to the bathroom.

; matts pov

"you're just gonna walk away and not pick him up?!" I meekly shouted to you; my voice is still laced with drowsiness.

you turned around, leaning against the bathroom door frame as you spoke "get dressed and i'll pick him up, i wanna go out for lunch or something." you promptly turned around and shut the door behind you after saying that.

"okay mrs. productive..." I muttered under my breath and look at your makeup and clothes that were scattered around my bedroom.

"i can hear you jackass!!" your voice sounded muffled through the bathroom wall, but I still hear you loud and clear.

I slowly stood up and put my feel on the cold, wooden floor. I then stretched and carelessly grabbed one of the many hoodies off of my floor, not caring to put pants on.

I walked over to the bathroom door and knocked in a rythm that you knew all too well.

you open the door, and your hair looks absolutely beautiful.

"do you need something or do you just wanna stare at me?" i hear you say bluntly, which snaps me back to reality.

i didnt really get snapped back into reality, though.

i was really in a reality where you were slowly kissing up my thigh, making your way up to my manhood as i brushed your beautiful hair out of the way so i could see your gorgeous face better as you...

this is when i realize im getting hard.

and you are standing in front of me,

and i only have boxers on.

shit

; your pov

i dont realize it at first, but as matts face gets red i giggle and look down at the bulge that he is trying to cover up with his large hoodie.

"damn, am i really that hot?" i grab his hand that he is using to hug downwards on his hoodie and i pull him farther into the bathroom.

he started to fidget with his rings once i let go of his hand. he was looking down, avoiding eye contact with me.

"mattheww" i playfully coo, "look at me baby."

he still doesnt look up at me.

"are you embarrassed?" i ask him gently, receiving no response.

that answers my question.

"matt thats nothing to be ashamed of," i pause, thinking of what to say next, "shit, if i was guy i would have a raging boner all the time."

i guess this made matt feel better because he giggled, lifting his head slightly but still not looking at me.

"since you wont look at me.." i get on my knees. "im gonna look at you myself."

i look up at matts face and he flashes me a goofy smile.

i chuckle and grab his waist, moving him against the bathroom counter.

i moved my position on the floor, shuffling over to the bathroom mat, as the cold solid bathroom floor was making my knees ache already.

i dont break eye contact with matt as i do this.

i stare up at him with eyes full of lust, and i think he knows what i want.

and i think he knows what he wants.

; matts pov

your pupils are wide as i stare into your eyes.

ive never liked intense eye contact, but in this moment it couldnt be any hotter.

you bring your right hand up to the hem of my boxers, your left hand on my abdomen for support.

"can i?"

i nod quickly, squirming under your touch.

i squeeze my eyes shut and let out a sigh.

"im gonna need you to use your words, matt." my dick twitches at the sound of your voice, longing for some friction.

"yes, please, please touch me." i manage to mutter out.

you slowly take of my boxers agonizingly slow, and i inhale sharply as my dick springs up, the cold air hitting it.

you look at my cock and then back up at me.

i couldve folded right then and there.

my heart started racing as you brought your hand up to my tip, which was already leaking precum.

"so wet already mattie."

i nod, leaning my elbows against the sink for extra support.

you brought your manicured nail up to the slit, and dragged your nail across it gently, making my hips buck forward with every small touch.

the unfamiliar feeling gave me a warm feeling that slowly bubbled up in my stomach, starting in my lower stomach area, and pulsing through my dick as you slowly started stroking me from the base, all the way up to my tip.

my hips shuddered as you quickened your pace, and i throw my head back, letting out a quiet moan.

when i look back down you are already looking back up at me with your gorgeous eyes

; your pov

"you are so sensitive, babe." again, i got no reply.

was he that lost in the pleasure?

matt was squirming everytime i reached his swollen, sensitive tip, and i could tell he needed more.

"do you want my mouth matt?"

another nod.

i took my hand off of his dick, leaving it twitching and wet.

"what did i say about using your words, hm?" i put my hands on my knees.

"im sorry." he whined out, "i need your mouth on me. please, i need it so bad- i-"

i cut off matt by putting my tongue directly on his tip, kitten licking it many times before i actually took him in my mouth.

this time matt doesnt even make an attempt to cover up his moans.

he throws his head back once again moaning loudly and looking then looking down at me.

i took more of him in my mouth, swirling my tongue around his girthy member.

i start to bob my head up and down at a steady pace. i can tell matt is close.

; matts pov

i whimper slightly as i feel the warm, fuzzy feeling in my stomach start to get even more intense.

i lean harder against the counter and bring one of my supporting hands up to my mouth to hide the sounds i was making.

you take your lips off of my length for a moment, making my hips shutter, and also making the fuzzy feeling in my stomach abruptly stop. "let me hear your pretty sounds matt" you say.

i immediately put my hand back in its original position on the counter, taking it off of my mouth.

you position your lips with my cock again, making my cheeks heat up.

you lick a painfully long, but pleasurable stripe up my cock, grabbing the base of it with your hand.

i jolted forward which made you giggle.

"you are doing so good mattie."

you start working your hand around the base of my cock before taking me in your mouth.

i let out a loud moan at the sudden contact.

"n-need more." i mutter out

you hum onto my cock, pretending not to hear me.

"baby, i need more. please." i breath out, "faster, please!"

; your pov

i happily oblige to matts directions, going faster, using my hand to rub what i couldnt take in my mouth.

now i knew that matt was really close. his whimpers became consistent and the salty taste of precum was already filling my mouth.

matt let out a loud moan and the first rope of cum hit the back of my throat.

i moan onto his cock, licking up his warm seed.

"fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck" he sputtered out

he whimpered.

his hips were now shaking uncontrollably from all of the stimulation he was getting, so i took my hand off of the base of his cock and used it to hold his hips.

i slowly bob my head up and down, helping matt ride out his high.

"holy fucking shit." matt mutters, his hips jolt once more as i took my mouth off of him.

he looks down at me with a shocked expression, his cheeks are extremely red, and his hair was stuck to his forehead with sweat.

i looked up at him then stood up, trailing my hands up his waist as i do this, making him shiver.

"you did so fucking good," i kissed him hard on his lips, and he sighed into the kiss.

i took my lips off of his and looked into his eyes lovingly

"im so proud of you for telling me what you wanted, mattie"

he smiled and then rolled his eyes. "shut the fuck up or im gonna cum again."

--------------------------------------------------------

i like this but honestly, i dont know how to feel about the two povs thing. so lmk if u like it ! also, both of my previous works have 900+ likes, so thank u so much. i also hit 400 followers like what. ive only had this acc for a month. TY FOR READING !! if u have any requests please please send them in !

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askzworld · 11 months

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Emalee we need a fic like your recent innie one (I loved it btw 10/10) but y/n taking care of Hyunjin I’m begging it’d be so cute. Maybe when he has the stomach flu too and doesn’t wanna bother y/n cus she’s busy but she catches on and helps him?? 💓💓

omg yes this is such a cute idea 🥹! also thank you for the positive feedback, it means so much to me! if you have any more fic requests fill free to send them to me!

let me know..

sick!hyunjin x reader, implied relationship, pet names like baby, my boy, darling, lovely, MENTION OF VOMITING, CRYING, DEHYDRATION, & BULLYING/HATE

i placed my bag on the back of hyunjins chair and booted up my computer at the desk in his room. waiting for hyunjin would definitely take a while, so i decided to start a university essay iv been procrastinating on. as i sighed and started typing up a draft to base it off, hyunjin walked into the room.. 2 hours earlier than usual.

“well you’re quite early today.” i said softly as i stood up from my seat. “yeah- minho said we did good today so.. we uh, got done early, are you doing a essay?” he looked over my head at my open computer and empty doc. “i was going to start it while i waited for you but since you’re home early..it can wait another day.” he shook his head at me and looked at the bathroom, avoiding the eye contact i tried to make with him. i noticed his body tense up a little and he looked at me for about .1 of a second.

“im going to go shower, go work on your essay, okay? don’t wanna get behind do you, darling?” i shook my head as he turned to me again and gave me a smile. as he walked into the bathroom, i couldn’t help but notice him clutch his stomach just a tiny bit. i guessed that he might’ve been sore from dance practice so i shrugged it off. i sat back down at the chair and pulled my legs up to my chest as i stared at the wall, trying to think of how to start it. i heard the shower head squeak on and water started to poor.

i couldnt think, the only one thing that filled my head was the way hyunjin acted. was he getting hate from social media again? or maybe he was just tired. i turned my focus to the empty doc and watched the small line blink, then fade away. laying on my head on the keyboard out of defeat of my writers block, the keys pressed under the pressure and the letters and symbols appeared on the screen. I turned my head to the side to see a framed photo of me and hyunjin backstage during their maniac tour. He was holding his phone out as he kissed his cheek, eyes closed gently, as i winked, held his cheeks and looked at the camera.

a smile appeared at the sight of the familiar picture. i picked it up to look at it closer, han and minho were making faces at us in the background. then a lightbulb went off in my head. i knew what i was going to write about! i placed the picture back in its place and backspaced all the letters and symbols that had been accidentally pressed into the doc.

i started typing and typed faster than i thought i could. i was so emerged into the essay, i didn’t even notice Hyunjin walk out of the bathroom, change into sweats and a white tee, and crawl into bed. well, that was until about 2 to 3 hours later, my computer was 10% to dying. i sighed and saves the doc before closing the computer and plugging it in. i turned to see hyunjins sleeping figure, his legs bent at his knees and his hands rested under his cheek.

i was slightly confused but he looked so peaceful. he never fell asleep before me, he always made sure i went to sleep before him. i came to a conclusion that today was just hard for him, and he was really tired. I changed into some shorts and a baggy tee i stole from his a few days ago. it was one of his shirts that had been smothered in paint. i thought it looked beautiful, even it was just some splattered colored on a basic light grey tee. it was so beautiful to me, because of the fact that it was made by my boy, my hyunjin.

i slipped into the bed next to him, throwing my arms around his middle. he shivered in his sleep despite feeling hotter than usual. i looked at his face as it scrunched up in slight discomfort. i brought my hand up to his face to brush some hair out of his face, brushing his cheek and forehead in the process. both felt unusually hot. i frowned, thinking possibly hes sick.. but he would’ve told me? he always does. i sighed closing my eyes to fall asleep with him, id make sure to take care of him in the morning.

i woke up to feel hyunjin getting out of bed beside me. “jinnie?” i mumbled, seeing his figure turn in the dark. “im just going to the bathroom..” i sighed and pick up my phone from the bedside table. it was 2:42 am. “just go back to sleep, okay lovely? I’ll be back in a few minutes..” i sighed and laid back in the bed. as he went into the bathroom, i heard him cough a few times and then i thought i heard him.. vomit? “jinnie?”

i opened the door to see him sitting on the floor, hunched over the toilet. i didn’t say another word, i just walked up behind him and held his slightly long, black hair away from his face. the lingering feeling of his skin felt like fire against my fingertips. as i held his hair with one hand, i held his hand gently with the others. “im sorry” he coughed out. he got finished throwing up and laid his head against my chest. i felt a droplet fall onto my leg. i held his head in my hands to look him in the eyes

“why are you crying baby?” i asked as i brushed a tear off his cheek with my thumb. “im sorry i didnt tell you.. im sorry you have to take care of me. i-i know you have an essay to do and- i-“ i kissed his forehead and held him close to my chest again. “don’t apologize.. the essay can wait, ill take care of everythin. of you, my university work, everything.. but you’re my first priority, okay?” i hugged his shoulders as he nodded and sniffed softly. “why didn’t you tell me you were sick my boy?” “you looked so concentrated on your essay.. i didn’t want to make you loose your train of thought.”

i laughed softly. “you we’re my train of thought, i was writing an essay about the cons of being in love with someone.” “you wrote about me?” he whispered as he met his eyes with mine. “yes.. and id do it a thousand times more, i love you hyunjin.. let me take care of you?” “okay..i love you too yn.” i kissed the crown of his head a few times before laughing. “let’s get you into bed, yeah? ill get you some medicine and water.. i know your dehydrated.”

we stood up together and i brought him to bed, tucked him in and set up a desk fan on his night stand. “have i ever told you have good you are to me?” he laughed and held my hand. “all the time..” i respond with a smile. “ill get you some medicine and water, then we can go back to sleep, okay?” “what about your classes tomorrow?” he frowned. “don’t worry, ill work online. ill even work in bed with you if you want.” i brushed his hair back into a ponytail. “and ill talk to minho and chan tomorrow, you won’t have to worry, okay?” “thank you lovely..” “of course.”

i left the room and grabbed him a ice cold water and some medicine. when I came back he smiled at me, taking the medicine, and downing most of the water. “will you stay with me all night?” he asked as he pulled me into bed with him. “however long you want.” he smiled again and held me in his arms. “goodnight, my lovely girl.” “goodnight, my hyunjinnie.”

#stray kids #skz scenarios #skz x reader #stray kids x y/n #skz #stray kids scenarios #skz hyunjin #stray kids hyunjin #hyunjin x you #hyunjin x reader

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ivyuns · 2 years

Text

wishing upon a star - sunoo

genre: angst | fluff

word count: 1.6k

warnings: reader getting hospitalized, sunoo accidently hitting reader, passing out, neglecting health, arguments, sunoo being a lazy bum in the beginning, sunoo doing his best, reader blaming herself for everything, lmk if i missed anything else!

summary: you came home very tired after working two shifts. you wanted to come home, wanting nothing but you in sunoos arms in bed. but that went out of the window when a very small argument that couldve been handled broke out. what worst is that youre now hospitalized and sunoo wishes he could just go back in time to fix everything.

note: hii omg saur ive been real emo these past weeks so ive kinda wrote my emotions in like 10 different drafts so be on a look out for those. ++ im not sure when ill update fever bc im still not even half way done w part two 😭😭 enjoy ~

masterlist

it was a week after your fight, over something that could’ve been easily forgiven after talking out. something that could’ve been solved.

but no. you had left your house before he had done anything else stupid.

it was all because you were just asking sunoo nicely to clean up the place after you had many shifts to pick up, as well as studying to get in your dream school.

“sun? you here?” you had walked through the front door, dragging your tired feet to the living room, in which sunoo was still gaming with niki before you left— 6 hours ago.

the living room was a mess with finished chip bags and crumbs everywhere. oh you wanted to just breakdown.

“sun? hello?” you waved your hand in front of it to snap him out of his game. “hey baby, how was work?” he asked, still playing games. you ignored him and just cleaned his mess up.

you went to your bathroom to wash up and heading straight to bed, not having the energy for talking to the boy or anything.

sunoo realized you were gone for a bit and ended his game. he was putting his controller away and before he got up, he felt a pang of guilt. the guilt that you had to do everything, once again.

he quickly put everything away, turning off the lights and headed to your room. where he saw you almost dozing off to your fruit sensory videos that seemed to make you stay sane.

you sensed that he was coming on the bed with you, so you turned around and turned off your phone to charge and fell asleep. or tried to. “y/n?” he called out your name, hugging you from behind. you didn’t respond, too tired to do anything.

sunoo sighed. “i’m sorry i-“ “am i not doing enough for you?” you quietly said, tears flowing already.

you had such a bad week and just wanted to cuddle with sunoo. but everyday as you came home, the house was always a mess and sunoo was always in the same spot before you left. you felt like just crying for hours but you held it in. you didn’t want to see anyone, especially sunoo, to see you in your worst state.

“all i wanted to do when i got home was- was to be in your arms. be in our bed. i hated work so much. you never came to text me, or ask me how was i. im tired of coming home to you and the house a mess. ‘m sorry sunoo. im sorry im selfish.”

you cried into your arms and felt sunoo try to lift your arms up to hug you but you wouldn’t budge.

sunoo felt so heartbroken. how could he let his most precious girl feel like this. “im sorr-“ “im gonna go sunoo.”

you pushed sunoo away and went to the closet, wiping your tears at the same time. sunoo felt everything breaking down, he couldn’t let you go. especially so late at night.

he got up and saw you packing your essentials in your suitcase. he panicked and grabbed your wrist, a bit too harsh. “y/n! you cant go!” he shouted at you.

the tears increased as his grip was getting tighter, and the way he yelled at you. “s-sunoo. sunoo let go” you whimper. he didn’t listen, but the second time he heard you shout his name with a horrified face, he let go.

he saw the red mark he left. he saw you red puffy eyes. he saw the way you felt sick to your stomach. you wanted to run away and it was all his fault.

he stood up and tried to speak words out, but no words came out of him. you hurried to pack and left the house, leaving your promise ring and house keys.

after that night, he kept calling you, texting you, begging you to come back. he didn’t know where you were staying at, he didn’t know if you were warm and safe, he didn’t know if you were in someone else’s presence.

the house made him feel so alone. he stopped playing games and he cleaned the house, hoping you’ll just walk through the front door with a smile.

he put up the paintings you wanted to hang up on the walls, he built the dinning table that was just leaning against the dinning room wall. he did everything you asked him to do a while ago.

but everytime he tried to go to the closet, visions of him hurting you kept reminding himself that that was the only reason why you’re not coming back.

he sat alone in there, sobs muffled into the sleeve of his hoodie. “im sorry y/n. just come to my arms please.”

everywhere around the house had pictures of you two, decorated. polaroids scattered everywhere, memories everywhere.

until a phone call disturbed his thoughts. he looked at the contact, saying it’s from you. and immediately answered.

“sunoo!”

it wasn’t you. you friend had went through your phone to call him about you. “y-y/n, she-“ “she what!” sunoo yelled. he was scared what happened to you.

“she’s in the hospital. please come quick.”

—

sunoo drove quickly to the hospital your friend had told him. his hair a mess, eyes bloodshot, he was just a mess. he looked at the emergency exit and saw you friend holding your hand while you were on the bed, blood everywhere.

“y/n!” he called out your name. he ran to your moving bed and held your other hand.

your vision was blurry but you still saw the resemblance of his face. “s-sunoo?” sunoo wanted to punch the air. why did he make so much mistakes to end up you in the hospital. “im here baby” he cupped your cheek. the moment didn’t last long after the nurses had to stop him.

he tried to push them away, and yelled out your name through the door. he needed to be next to you.

the nurses reassured him, letting him know you’ll feel fine. but he wasnt having it, he needed to see if you’ll be okay.

he fell onto the waiting chairs, crying into the palms of his hands, dizzy.

it took a bit too long for sunoo. it was the next day and he didn’t get a wink of sleep. your friend had gotten a thin blanket from the nurses for him, hoping he’ll just have a 5 minute nap. but he didn’t want to lose sight of the surgery room he was next to.

the doctors had told him that you’ve been lacking nutrients. they had heard from your friend that you’ve been coming to their house after picking different shifts at your jobs everyday without eating or drinking. you’ve been sleeping with a few hours of sleep. and on top of that, the fight with sunoo has been on your mind too.

you overthink, wondering if it was dumb to run out of the house because he accidentally harmed you. you knew sunoo wouldn’t purposely hurt you, he was just protecting you.

all the stress of going back and work made you faint at work. they said you bumped your head on the counter at the kitchen, as there was a glass that also fell with you, resulting some shards cutting into you.

sunoo hoped and prayed, you will be okay.

—

you woke up hours later with wires hooked up onto you. whimpering in pain, you felt a bruise on your forehead. you looked around and no signs of sunoo or your best friend, but you could've sworn you saw them both before you fell asleep.

seeing flowers and "get well soon" balloons were blurring your vision as you remembered what happened. the sudden memory when sunoo had accidentally hurt you, when you got a message saying sunoo wasn't fine without you, how you saw sunoo's once beautiful eyes red because of you.

all of this were caused by you. is what you thought.

everything is your fault, you were the one that ran out on him in the first place. you were so in your mind, you didnt hear sunoo come in the room. "y/n!" he shouted.

he immediately exited the room and went to get your doctor, letting them know you have woken.

after the doctor ran tests on you, you were left alone with sunoo. the comforting silence was getting awkward for you. "y/n" "sunoo" you both said. sunoo slightly smiled, holding your hand for you to continue.

"im sorry, this wouldn't had happened if i didn't walk out on you" you said. tears slowly falling. sunoo felt like he just lost his best boyfriend award. you were blaming yourself when you did nothing wrong.

he looked up at you and wiped your tears away. "no im sorry for not asking how your day was in the first place my love." he paused. "im sorry for how lazy i was. i've failed to noticed your emotions after work and school. you're not selfish baby. you had every right to be upset. you are more than enough for me. i love you so much y/n. you're the best thing that happened to me. please."

you saw how sincere he was. his eyes held up the galaxies whenever he saw you, and you saw it right here. he was too in love with you. "thank you" you muttered. "let's go home."

as you walked in the door of your home after weeks, you saw the place was neatly cleaned and your walls weren't bare anymore. your dinning table all set. every room in your house was now completed, all thanks to sunoo and a bit of help of his friends.

"sun, thank you" you hugged him. he leaned in and hugged you tightly. "let's go cuddle, tell me how your days was, my lady."

with that, you guys settled in on your comfy bed, looking out of the window while the stars were out on the dark night.

you fell asleep when it happened, but sunoo held you close. right before he could close his eyes, he saw a shining shooting star. 'i wish to make you happier than ever.'

end.

(2022) © dont repost or copy | @ivyuns

#enhypen #enhypen sunoo #sunoo angst #sunoo fluff #enhypen fanfiction #enhypen angst #enhypen fluff #kpop #kpop angst #kpop fluff

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blackvail22 · 7 months

Text

9/22/23 — 1:20am

i hate wanting to be productive in the middle of the night. i was tired all day tdy, and now i just want to do something productive. no!!! i work earlier than usual tomorrow!!!!

im doing my skincare now... i wore makeup tdy so i have no choice but to do it 🤯

im tired still but i dont want to sleep. i feel like i havent been productive enough tdy even though i went to 3 different appointments and within the 2 hours before work i cleaned my bathroom sink (that was incredibly disgusting, i am not exaggerating. no one has cleaned it in like a little over a year. my dad shaves his face there whenever it gets like 5 inches long and doesnt clean the hair out of the sink/on the counter. its gross.), made ramen (it wasnt v good).... at work i walked around almost the whole 6 hours. my feet hurt so!! bad!! after i work. it happens every time. it doesnt help that when i fell down my stairs, my "sprained" foot didnt heal properly. i also hurt my hand at work and have not seen a doctor .... im ngl im like a mess and if i tell anyone abt this theyll tell me its because im fat and need to lose weight WE GET IT. I KNOW. IM TRYING, AND JUST BECAUSE I AM DOESNT MEAN THAT I CANT HAVE SMTH WRONG WITH ME?????

anyways

im tired. like mentally and physically. i had counseling tdy and i told her everything and the time still wasnt full. she shared some things abt her life recently... still didnt fill the time. she didnt respond much at all, but she's grieving, so i understand

im not telling anyone except u and my digital diary about my situation with my ex... i need to stop complaining to people abt him and making it everyones problem when its really my fault i keep letting him back in my life. its bad! ive literally had dreams where he did that *thing* but like in an extremely worse way, and i told myself that i just had to live with it, that i have to get used to it. and, i mean, i guess i do... if i can *** ***** then he can do whatever.

im not even with him... just flirting heavily. he picks up on it, i think so, anyway....

im tired

i saw that u updated ur music playlist you sent to me recently ! so heres a song for u in return

2:51am

idk why it pisses me off so bad but when b says shes ugly it makes me so angry. "why cant i be like the pretty girls?" she is the definition of a pretty girl... she may not see it because people were mean to her growing up but its like... ive cried SO much because of how pretty she is. my parents call her the pretty girl, people at school say shes pretty all the time... it just makes me so upset that someone as pretty as her cant see it. and i wish she could, honestly.

and i hate that this makes me so angry. i have so much envy that it rips me apart every second of the day, and i hate it!!!!! im the fat, ugly friend, and i always felt bad for her being friends with me. she says that im one of the prettiest ppl she knows.... if that were true, would she have deleted all the photos of me off of her phone? who knows. and the fact that people compliment her all the time at school and in public should say A LOT about how pretty she is. it happens all the time! and i mean all the time. maybe she doesnt think it was genuine or she forgets? idk... i think the last time a stranger complimented my appearance was a year and a half ago at a taco bell drive thru. the last time i was called pretty (besides when my mom says it) was at leastt 6 months ago. im like distraught because she is literally so beautiful fuck

this is going to make me cry myself to sleep because i cant say any of this to her because this is really just unhealthy of me, like the envy and making me seem like the victim. it just makes me so upset that everyone thinks shes pretty but herself

yeah im def crying myself to sleep gn i work in 11hrs which sounds like a long time from now but i havent slept yet lol

3:16am

ok i lied i messaged her and said "i saw you commented "i wish i was one of the pretty girls" on a tiktok, and i really need you to know that you are the pretty girl. youre so incredibly beautiful not only on the outside but the inside too... it can be rare to find someone like that. i hope youre able to see yourself through my eyes someday and see yourself for what you truly are—beautiful"

i hope it doesnt come off weird

ok i cried and messaged her i should rlly just sleep now

0 notes

rawrmeansilyindinosawr · 1 year

Text

BOY BUTT

I MET MR KUNT AT BRPADWAY JUNCTION N I HAV HIS MUMBER . n i HAVLOST MI ASS CUZ OF FALLING DOWN THA STAIRS N A POLTERGEIST SOooooo now I HAV BOy butt. n HONEstly I Tink i also lost it from SAYING DED ASS TOO Mucho I maniFesteD it . :-\

iMADE A REMIX OF KISh ME on A GUITAR W A BROKEN N3cK tht goes LIK DIS .

“Kishh me

under the broadway junction stair case ,,

N let my . balls….

Swing swing ,

Oh so freeeee-eeely .”

i reAlized after snorting K mi friendz nailz in the dress aisle of Goodwill dat i will aLwayz AGREE TO THA golden Rule of Lyfe which is to NEVER step on the black part of the crosswalkz U can ONLY step on the white lineZ or u will LITERALLY DIE . N y is it more often than not , the things that we want r not the things we need and i feel like i’ll always be yearning for something more in store but the emptiness can’t b filled w just more of this n less of that n elaine says no one has good or bad luck just more or less of it .

Tha nxt time a strangwrr in a fox- pikachu costume cums up to meh n mi fwendz Wiff a guitar in tha wick n asks to sing Meh a song i will NO LONGER LIsten But buttle it by more fart jokez. Bc it has been yrs i hav had theese shower thoughts/questions/water based introspection: If u fart is it a culmination of all the farts around u cuz Ur breathing recycled farts in the air in side u ???? N on a. philosophical lvl. Nothing is original bitch. No one is original . Not even ur fooking fartsz.

Im tired of being so sexy and also so funny and also people expecting me to be the intimidating and mysterious and sexy person . I believe in kindness and being an internet troll n i grew up ugly n barely am making it to be kind of sexy within the last few years . So stop putting so much pressure on me Bith . Im literally an empath .

im Nvr going to party with scary Ukrainian fashion photographers again in greenpoint even tho they Hav free pizza <best food group> n their bosses r retired sexy models and also the closest deli near them has a free compOoter . N im done being strangers who drink old coffee at 2am’s outlets n shulder to cry on ab their exs w bpd . Cuz im empathetic to dat but also im tryna strictly VIOBE . N the vibeZ were not there . Plus i had an allergy attack n cried in the bathroom . :-/

i <3 waking up to phone calls at 7am/8am after i tried to induce sleep to myself w my 12MG mellytonin dissolvable tabletz N goin to get happie hour b4 it opens n debating new piercings n brainstorming new tattooz n stealing salt shakerz from restaurants w moi best fwendzzzz. It is so fukin Kold in Nyc n im waiting for my seattle he they cutie to move back to nyc so we can give each other allergy attacks by sniffing 2 many flowers at maria hernandez n then claritin n chill . N show them mi plushies . Cuz rn meow dating lyfe is like casual but I don’t need messy ass ppl . N i don’t believe in ghosting bc every1 deserves to have a convo but Meh . Thts objective lol . n It’s pointless to argue or submerge myself in a convo ive already had w someone where they have historically been defensive n Ugh lames . Only dating ppl like 23+ yr old n up now . :-]

I almost slapped the doggone giv a dog a bone dog shit out of the bouncer at purgatory N also this Girl who accused me of “cutting the line” at Elsewhere when i was guestlisted N also this person who narced on me the beg of the Yr at tha party but i chose world peace . N zen . N kava over stogies now . Smh . Miso soup over mala base , red hot chili peppers over deftones . Hot cheetos over takiz. Smh . i rly need my karma to reverse .

werk has been alrite n im soooo sad sag season is almost over . I realized i love cucumbers so much the last few wks n i am not afraid to show n tell ab it . i Love all the saggitiusrss in my life n i hav luved the consecutive bday parties ive gone to the last few weekz in which ppl have fallen asleep in their wolf costumes after doing One bump of K and screaming at Alexa to play Sleeping wiff sirenz. N trying to go to tinas but their hours r weird now apparently so we all end up at Sum random Dunkin Donut Hole place where my ex used to yell at meh at 6am . N i luv all of the he theys i hav met within the last few weekz who drink white clawz n have pretty faces n All the goth girls who also have snakebites who Kiss me n tell me if i wanted a sprite they would buy me a sprite . tho the tru drug of choice here is Vanilla coke , i Am extremely flattered . <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

ive been spending alot more time on tumblr cuz it Just feelzz rite n wayyyy better cuz now PORN ;0 isback here. n idk if yall rly kno but ya . tumblr is likebACK cuz twitter is kinda lamess now. sigh . playing in Parks w ex situationships r fun n even fugging in Bars called Bar r fun but i almost got choked out by my Ali express vivienne westwood necklace at the playground N tht shuld hav been a sign I shuld hav went home. idk y i alwayzz put mi heart on tha line 4 Ppl i kno kant rly take kare of it the way i want 2. Im Goin to b working my last shift at holiday market Thurs evening then going to LA p much rite after s000000. Ima try to pull sum rockstar shit there nalso make 100 dumplings w my mummy for xmas even tho Lunar yr is technically way better n Idk why We as taiwanese ppl even care ab xmas so much butt.

My boy butt says BYE!!!!!!! n Til nxt week ?! <3

xoxoxoX0 , meunster cheeze is not monsterous Believer/civil rites activist/where do i find gahndi fan fiction online/lactose intolerance lactaid pills thtr expired dnt work save urself n ur liver advocate , renny ;]]

#blog

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moveslikejaggeria · 2 years

Text

ive been meaning to post for a while, but time keeps alluding me. lots of things do these days

im not quite sure how prayer works, if im being honest. never have. to be fair, id have to say i really dont understand how religion works either. i used to pray as a child for snow days until my mother caught me and scolded me. i think she thought i was wasting his time. that he has better things to do than grant stupid insignificant wishes of a little girl

i wonder what my mother would think—what the church goers would think—if they knew how i used to pray for god to kill me; to take me in my sleep. how i was too much of a coward to do it myself. how i sobbed myself to sleep and begged.

i called my mother over a month ago to—as one does—complain about life. how i told her that life seemingly hadnt gotten better since 2019. how it had all been going downhill since then and when was it going to get good again. she told me that was how the world worked. that this is how life was. to which i said, “then i dont want to live.”

and she scoffed. she told me to stop being dramatic. i have no doubt that she remembers the night i screamed at her and my dad how much i wanted to die. or the night when i walked into the bathroom after taking half a bottle of benadryl and whispering to her how i had a secret but she couldn’t be mad. how she waited in the drs office next to me for hours while i was shaking and crying. she couldn’t forget it. she probably just wishes she could.

besides she has other stuff to deal with: shitty people from my hometown, her bosses, my father. i can’t tell if on the surface i blame my parents for everything while deep down i know they tried their best or vice versa. i dont know if i truly believe the latter is true or not.

i believe i wrote a bit ago about how my mother had mentioned so nonchalantly that my grandpa has prostate cancer. i had been on the phone with her again the other day when she was about to hang up and said, “oh by the way your grandma has breast cancer”

“oh by the way your aunt and uncle might get divorced”

“oh by the way i caught your father (finally) smoking weed”

“oh by the way your father is going back to inpatient”

“oh by the way our daughter fucking died.”

see mother. i know what dramatic is; i can do dramatic.

the moral of the story is not that im going to do something stupid tonight. or in the near future most likely, so don’t you worry yourselves silly, pornbots. its that here i am again, almost two months later, and i can fucking hear it. its so clear. the sobs. and the screaming. the water, oh god.

i drove myself home today and i probably shouldnt have because i couldnt see and i couldnt really think. and a good majority of the ride home all i could think about is how it would feel to have my head bashed in. what it would look like. i thought about tetris for a bit, but i dont like the game at all.

i have a fever and i cannot blame my body. i, too, am working overtime just desperately trying to make ends meet, in more way than one. i wish my Mom was here. not gretchen, but Mom. someone to wrap me in a blanket and hold me and stroke my hair and put on a stupid cold war documentary and buy me pasta and shush me until i stop crying and reassure me every once in a while that she loves me so much. she wouldnt leave me the night after i tried to kill myself, wouldnt ask me to pull it together with red bloody arms.

im so tired playing both roles.

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tenderevils · 3 years

Text

if a woman-adjacent being has a breakdown in a kitchen they dont own, and shes the only one to hear it, does it still conform to the expected graceful feminine mental breakdown? is it still attractive even in moments of complete hysteria?

#if ur cishet dont call me she dont call me he ill gut you #zoe posting <3333 #lich rally you are on the floor crying and you look at the baseboards and think they need re painting voice #idk man im at my friends house bc i was having a shit day and needed to be in the same room as a real person and its like. ok i guess ill..#do the dishes while yall sleep???? since im sleeping on the couch??? even tho ive individually spooned both of yall #idk idk i feel like an imlosition but i also know its like. i do actually need to lean on my friends but also i have it ingrained into my #head that i have to make my time here worth it for them so ig ill do dishes and clean the fish tank and stove and uhhh sweep and clean the #bathroom ig???? idk im also neurotic about things #but like do i like cleaning or is it embedded in my brain that this is the only way ill be able to spend time with them again yk #anyway <3 im normal #really. wish i could have like a 3 hour hug or like fall asleep in someones arms but like whatever its fine not like im at the point with #both of the people in this house or whatever #fkdnsk people have been touching me and my phone and my crutches all day and im so exhausted mentally which is why im over and like #idk im so tired ;_______;

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dancingazaleas · 3 years

Text

𖨆. 05 / all for us

summary: after the recent incident, you don’t feel a real reason to live. so why try to live?

note: this was supposed to be longer, but i loved how it ended. i’m also a suffering from headaches again. please be patient with me. also, PLEASE READ THE WARNINGS IVE LISTED. this is a DARK chapter.

taglist: @the-sun-baby @voltairelesecond @baelo80 @uniquepickle @ascybous @saturnalya @messyhairday-me @stupid-stinky

word count: 1.4k

warnings/notes: cursing, suicidal thoughts, self harm, attempt of suicide, dark, panic attack

YOU lay on the floor of your closet once again, the scratchy carpet being the only thing that provided you with warmth. the only person you'd seen for the past few days was erwin. anytime he'd even mention levi, you'd beg for him not to see you.

you groan quietly, deciding to go lay in your bed for a while so your skin won't keep itching. your foot chills when it touches the hardwood floor of your room, and it distracts you from the task at hand.

you're dizzy now, only being able to focus on your foot. it didn't help much since you collapsed onto your side, breathing heavily through your nose as you stare blankly to the wall. you haven't stood up for hours, opting to leave the closet only to go to the restroom.

you blink while getting back onto your feet, hand pressed against your head as if you were soothing it. you decide to go to the bathroom, if you go now that means you won't have to go later.

you watch your hands afterwards, tired eyes watching your reflection in the crystal clear mirror.

your face was bruised, you have a black eye and a deep cut on your cheek from levi's wedding band.

you look back down to your hands, wanting to focus on something else in order to soothe yourself. you don't bother to dry your hands off with a towel, opting to shaking them around in the air.

your feet drag against the floor as you jump into your bed, body smoothly sliding across it so your head rests against a pillow. you curl up under the covers, genuine warmth crashing against your body for the first time in days. it's almost overwhelming, but you can't find it in yourself to care.

you watch a movie to help pass the first hour and a half of you being outside of the closet. you play another movie for background noise, getting off of your bed and walking to the bookshelf.

you grab a black book with white font, grabbing a smaller blanket and throwing it over your lap once you sit in a chair.

you’re going to read some of this book and then retreat back to your safe space whenever they come to feed you.

even though you’re reading the story, you can barely comprehend the words along with the plot line. everything seems to be a jumbled mess inside of your mind, so much that it makes your head hurt right behind your eyes. time stretches longer than you meant for it to as you keep rereading all the sentences, hoping to gain at least a tiny bit of understanding.

you’re attention is taken away by the sound of the door opening and closing. you’d been so focused you hadn’t even noticed that someone was coming to see you. and not only was it someone, it was levi.

the book falls out of your hands and onto the floor, eyes wide as you stare at levi with fear.

he’s holding your tray of food for lunch, which you don’t think you’ll be eating today since it’s not erwin who’s going to feed you.

levi tries not to get irritated at the way your body is trembling. he hasn’t even said a single word and you’re already cowering.

when levi steps closer, you jump out of the chair and into the corner furthest from him. you cry out for erwin, for help, anyone that will be able to take levi away from you.

it startles levi for a moment, but it’s soon replaced with frustration as he makes another step.

you scream while tears gush out of your eyes, nailing planting onto the wall you’re up against. levi angrily puts the tray of food down onto your windowsill, metal and glass clinking against one another in unsynchronized harmony.

for whatever reason, it has you screeching with you dropping to the floor and cover your head with your arms. levi’s worried and goes to make a move towards you, but you’re too frightened to think.

your screeching has his head pounding, so much that he’s silently praying that erwin would just come in already.

“i’m—i’m trying to fucking help!” he barks at you, stomping his foot onto the hardwood flooring.

you jump once more, protecting yourself more than before.

levi goes to scream again, but he’s interrupted by the door to your room slamming open.

erwin’s there, half dressed and messy hair while his eyes frantically scan the area. his eyes widen at the sight of your cowering, quickly rushing over to you to sit in front of you.

“what happened,” he asks levi while cautiously pressing a hand to your knee.

“i just walked in and she just went batshit,” levi says with exasperation, confusion and anger flashing on his face.

“get out. you scare her,” he orders with furrowed brows, stroking the skin of your kneecap with his thumb.

levi scoffs but listens anyways, shutting the door behind him.

“my love, everything’s okay. it’s just us now,” he murmurs sweetly, managing to coax you out of your panicked state just a bit.

“us? j... just us,” your voice is shaky as your hand absentmindedly reaches out for erwin.

“yes, just us,” he confirms with a smile, managing to gather you in his large arms.

you continue to cry, only this time you can breathe.

“can’t be with ‘im... i’m scared,” you admit while attaching yourself to erwin, “so scared.”

shushing you, he coos, “you can, i believe in you.”

wrong choice.

“no! no! NO,” you start to trash in his arms, once again entering the almost inconsolable mind state.

since he wasn’t expecting your panicked reactions, you manage to kick him in the chest and push him away. his body bangs against the stool of your vanity, knocking it onto his side with a loud crash.

levi runs back inside, watching how you jump to your feet and over to your vanity. erwin manages to scoot further away from you, slightly unsure of your next move.

you’re sobbing uncontrollably as you slam your fast into your vanity’s mirror. it’s so clean, not a smudge on it. not even a speck of lint. it’s perfect.

the shards cut your hand, but you don’t care, too high on adrenaline. levi and erwin go to disarm you just as you manage to grasp a particularly large and sharp shard of glass.

the moment it’s in your hand, you raise your opposite wrist to the glass while screaming at the two men.

“NOT ANOTHER STEP,” you cry as you push the glass against your skin, freezing both levi and erwin, “not another fucking step or i kill myself with this shard right fucking here.”

“(name), my love, it’s alright! it’s okay! no one’s going to hurt you,” erwin barely moves an inch while he pleads, but you don’t care.

“I SAID NOT ANOTHER STEP!!” you roar while slicing the glass against your skin, blood immediately pouring from the new wound.

dark red paints the glass as your finger swipes against the blood by accident.

“get out,” you whimper, “just leave me alone to die, please.”

“we can’t do that,” levi says calmly, accidentally taking a step out of instinct.

it feels comparable to flour whenever the blade slices through your pretty skin. it burns and you know that you might end up having to get stitches from just how deep it is if you want to live. and considering you can only really get stitches from hospitals, you say your goodbyes in your head.

“if you can’t do that,” your vision is starting to grow hazy as your breath comes out ragged, “then, i’ll just kill myself right here, knife at the vein.”

this is the only way you’ll be free again. the only way you’ll be away from them. the only way you’ll probably ever get to see your friends again.

your hope has dwindled into nothing. you know you cannot get away, not in a million years. now, there’s only one way to escape. death.

and by god if you let one of them slaughter you.

and so, you slash your arm once more right against the vein. blood oozes from the wound with ease while your eyes roll back and your knees hit the floor. the last thing you see is erwin and levi running towards you with panicked looks on their faces. it almost makes you laugh.

you hope to see them in hell.

150 notes · View notes

khaleesiofalicante · 3 years

Note

me, nodding of to sleep: IM HERE IM HERE

did my head just loll to the side? you will never know. first of all this chapter was the most beautiful thing i have ever read. Mavid have my HEART. It's also 4 16 am so im sorry if the reactions are a little bland but this was PERFECT.

me, throughout the whole thing: mavid mavid mavid

They had kissed for the first time almost a week ago. And they had kissed again. A couple of times.

Okay fine, they had kissed a lot since then.

Not a lot a lot. But a lot.

Wait a minute. How much kissing was a lot of kissing?

this is adorable

“I heard he cried when he found out Lexi and Liv were dating,” David chuckled.

yup that's jace

“We have to pay to talk on the phone?” Max asked incredulously. “I thought it was free.”

“Of course it isn’t free, Max!” David chuckled. “We have to pay for WiFi too.”

“This is ridiculous!” Max said. “Next you will say we have to pay for electricity.”

“Um, we do have to pay for electricity,” David chuckled again.

we pay for water too

but max you didnt know-

“Don’t let them guilt trip you!” Max had chastised. “They like doing chores. Let them do it. They fight demons all day and then come home and do chores. I feel like it’s their form of therapy. They need this.”

cant relate nope

“I don’t know,” Max groaned. “My family is so dramatic.”

the lightwood-banes in one sentence

THERE ARE SO MANY FEELS MY HEART CANNOT CONTAIN

“Well, too late!” Max announced. “This date is going to be the best first date in the history of first of dates.”

In retrospect, he really shouldn’t have said that.

nah its gonna be great

“Perhaps you should just take him to the New York Library. They have, uh, books.”

yes that is what they keep in libraries

OH MY GOD THE FRIEND IS ELYASS

HERE'S MY FAVORITE DEMON Y'ALL

His parents would not be pleased if they knew Max was summoning demons for relationship advice.

But they had also encouraged Max to make friends with everyone regardless of their identity. So, technically this was their fault. They gave him very mixed messages.

well-

you know i really shouldnt have laughed at the demon attack news but for some reason i did

i blame my sleep deprivation

shit i feel sick

you know maybe i shouldve just waited till the morning...

ok but the demon attack is NOT coincidental

there is something going on

“I thought dragon demons were extinct!” Max yelled over the commotion.

well-

ANJALI

“Man, fuck the orders!” Max said in frustration.

if you get hurt ill kill you

oh it's not her

well fuck

“That was an Armani, you piece of shit!” Rafael yelled at the demon. Max almost laughed.

THE AUDACITY

It really did. Dragon demons smelled like they lived inside a boys locker room.

well that's nice to know

FUCK THEY ARE TALKING NOW???

ok what is going on

“Say the thing!!!”

“I’m not saying the damn thing, you maniac!”

“Say the thing!”

Rafael groaned and raised his hands, the alliance rune lighting up.

“I’m not just a shadowhunter,” Rafael said through gritted teeth. “I’m Magnus Bane’s son.”

LMAO THEM

“Well, demons are stupid,” Max pointed out.

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Rafael said with a mouthful of food. “You are half demon after all.”

Im so sleepy i cant even react to this

but THEM I CANT-

WHERE.IS.ALEC

Max wanted to laugh. Only David would worry about another person while being injured in the infirmary.

MUST BE PROTECTED

Max nodded; his throat still dry. He couldn’t stop staring at David. At the wound. At the blood.

Also, maybe the naked chest.

AHEM

OH MY GOD JAIME IS ALIVE

we're getting lightwood-bane fluff LET ME CRY

alec...

on one hand alec smoking is fucking hot BUT WITH THE MUNDANE DISEASES OH HELL NAH

“But it tastes so good when it’s from your plate!” Max said with a mouth full of food.

“Oh, you want my food? Here!” Rafael grinned and threw a piece of chicken at his face.

Max caught it with his mouth cause wasting food was a crime. “Thanks, bro!”

“You little s-”

HE CAUGHT IT IN HIS MOUTH

“And no fighting over chicken!” Bapak pointed out. “We can always summon some more.”

“Order,” dad corrected. “We don’t summon. We order. And then we pay.”

“How do we destroy capitalism if we have to pay for everything?” Max asked.

Max has a point y'know

“That’s rich coming from someone who is wearing an Armani jacket,” Max stuck out his tongue.

“It was a gift!” Rafael said, furiously chewing on his chicken.

“Does that mean Bapak is a capitalist?” Max asked.

LMAO

Max: What even-

Max: Can shadowhunters get high on iratzes lol

CAN THEY???

David: Mr Herondale yelled “Yes! Two out of three!”

MOOD

PLEASE RAFAEL AND MAGNUS ARE LIKE "About time"

SAME THOUGH

“David is what you get if Dad and Uncle Jace and Uncle Jem had a baby.”

STOP NO

“Oh,” Max said. “Uh, David and I…We are dating.”

Dad choked on his coffee. “Excuse me?”

Bapak chuckled next to him. “Of course you didn’t know.”

“You two are dating?” dad demanded. “Since when? Who else knows about this? Why didn’t you tell us before? Were you dating when you were in London? Magnus, did you know about this?”

“There you go!” Max yelled triumphantly. “That’s the dramatic reaction I was looking for. Thanks, dad!”

There's alec. Yup

OH MY GOD NOT THE SEX TALK

good thing i had wattpad I MEAN-

“Kissing?” dad gaped. “On the mouth???”

“Um, where else would we kiss?” Max asked incredulously.

“Well, actually,” Bapa cleared his throat. “There are many ways you can enjoy-”

IM CACKLING

And that’s how the next hour turned out to be the most painful and most embarrassing hour of his life.

Max decided he would rather get attacked by a hoard of dragon demons than sit through it any longer

“You guys know we have something called the internet, right?” Max demanded.

“Well, the internet can have mixed messages,” Bapak sniffed. “We on the other hand have real life experien-”

“Magnus!” dad looked red in the face.

“Fine,” Bapak sighed. “Now moving on to the importance of lubrication and-”

“I’m begging you to stop,” Max groaned.

THE NOISES WHICH LEFT MY MOUTH ARE NOT OK TO BE MAKING AT 3 30 AM

“I’ll have you know this conversation utterly traumatized me. I demand financial compensation.”

HE'S SO DRAMATIC

“Well,” dad said carefully. “David is…”

“French?” Max asked.

i blame my sleep deprived ass for laughing at this

next thing i know someone's being tortured and im laughing because i dont have sleep in my system

Max honey...

listen to him

i for one, dont want a repeat of pg 511 cols

oh he's finding out about the incident

that's what i call it

Max thought of all the stories he had heard then. The one of the warlock who killed people who he could bring back his dead girlfriend. The one about a nephilim mother who paired up with prince of hell to bring back her dead son.

oh yeah...

shudder

They called it The Jem effect.

AYYYYY

It was true. In fact, he used to have a crush on both Tessa and Jem. It’s how he had found he was bisexual.

very very valid. have a good day sir

AWW MAX DIDNT KNOW HE COULD BLUSH

you know it's a sign ive been watching b99 too much that i was imagining mina talking like gina...

pls send help

ALSO MINA BESTEST SDCHJDFVYDYUGFYUGFVDYVFD

“Can we not talk about my boyfriend’s sperm, please?”

im surprised my parents havent woken up by the sound i let out

BUT HEY THE DOOR'S CLOSED SO

SUGGENS MINA

“I’m hearing an inflated sense of self-importance,” he heard Ragnor call from the bathroom. “Is Magnus here?”

“Just the spawn,” Max called back.

THE SPAWN BYE-

“He is married to the Consul!” Tessa chuckled. “And one of his sons is a shadowhunter.”

“It’s still very bad for our reputation,” Ragnor grumbled. “He is too close with shadowhunters.”

“You are the headmaster of Scholomance!” Catarina said incredulously. “You teach nephilim! Even though you don’t need a job!”

“I was coerced!” Ragnor huffed. “Manipulated by the children of the angel.”

really ragnor?

The grin disappeared and Ragnor buried his face on Catarina’s shoulder. “I can’t go through this again, Cat! Not again!”

“So much for not taking up after his father, huh?” Catarina chuckled and looked at him. “That’s nice, Max. We are happy for you.”

“We are not!” Ragnor said in a muffled voice.

RAGNOR DJHDCUHUKIHDVVFDDB

OOOO MAX DIDNT KNOW ABOUT CAMILLE

a kind of endless love...

dont make me cry

“I know you are worried, love,” Tessa’s voice was a whisper. “You are worried about surviving after David. You are worried about your own heart. But you should never let that fear stop you from finding love. Because love is what sustains us immortals. It keeps us alive. When you love a mortal, you love them forever. You might not remember all the memories. The colour of their eyes or the sound of their voice. But you will remember the love. You will carry that love inside you forever. It does not make you weak or fragile. It makes you stronger. And you will forever be grateful for it.”

my eyeballs are too tired to cry

stop it

THEY SAID I LOVE YOU

I FEEL LIKE A PROUD MOM

bitch you hate children wtf-

Max laughed. “I’m going to kill dad for making us do this. God, this is so weird!”

better get it done now

HE'S DAVID'S FOREVER

dont do this to me at 4 am

“You should two should some spend time together. Get to know each other and all of that,” Max suggested with a smile. “Maybe you can bond over archery or something.”

“I’m pretty sure he would use me for target practice,” David mumbled.

“Don’t be ridiculous, David!” Max said incredulously. “My father doesn’t need target practice!”

At this point, a David and alec scene isn't a want its a NEED

“I got it all planned,” Max said – for someone who had no idea what he was going to do.

me throughout life

max Rafael isn't the one smoking-

OH MY GOD MY DAD JUST CAME TO CHECK ON ME THE WAY I SLAMMED MY LAPTOP

“Also tell him to stop smoking!” Max pointed out seriously. “It’s not good for his health! Especially with all the mundane illnesses going on.”

“I know, Max,” dad sighed heavily and blinked. “I mean, I’ll talk to him. For sure.”

Alec if anything happens to you...just know ill raise hell

“I don’t want easy,” David smiled. “I want you.”

IT'S 4 AM DUDE

AYYY THE SHANGHAI SHADOW MARKET

CELESTIAL PALACE

“Dad? The Consul? That dad?” David looked surprised and relieved all at once. “Oh my god, he doesn’t hate me!”

“Of course he doesn’t hate you!” Max chuckled. “But he did say he will put your nerd ass in the silent city if you don’t bring me home by 11.”

of course, he did

oh my god SLEEP. there is so much to do tomorrow dying...my grammar was really bad and I don't have what it takes to use Grammarly's corrections except for the ones it's already doing as type.

this chapter had my heart BURSTING!! AHHHHHHH

the talk was so important I'm so glad they took care of that. ok imma head to bed now BYEE

Eeeeeee this was a lot sfkjdfkd I hope you are okay. Get some sleep next time or I will call the police.

Thank you as always for reading, reacting and supporting 💚

#lbaf

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eberles · 4 years

Text

i hate u, i love u

Rafe Cameron

(gif by @toesure :)

Request: A Rafe fic based on the song “I hate u, I love you” by gnash (ft Olivia O’Brien) PLEASE MAJOR RAFE VIBES 🥺💖 @fav-imagines

A/N: I wanted to cry writing this lol idk why but it hit me right in the feels!! it’s kind of all over the place, if anyone is confused by, don’t worry bc i am too!!!! lol anyways enjoy!! (this is probably the first thing ive ever written that goes with rafe’s character) bold = lyrics, italics = flashbacks

Warnings: angst, mentions of drugs, cheating, lying, toxic relationship, swearing

feelin used, but im still missin you and i cant see the end of it just wanna feel your kiss against my lips and now all this time is passing by, but i still cant seem to tell you why it hurts me every time i see you, realize how much i need you

I’ve spent months sitting in my room staring at the ceiling, and at the walls. I did a full Bella Swan from New Moon and let 3 months go by without being present for any of them. I didn’t care honestly...Even after spending all that time alone, i’m not still not healed from the heartache that was caused by him. I still miss him, his scent, his kisses, his clothes, everything. Rafe.

I went out once and he was the last person I wanted or planned to see, but of course, he was the only person I actually saw. Sure, there were other people around, but none of them mattered. Everyone else felt greyed out except for him. He was the only light I could see in those short moments. Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion, my breath hitched in my throat and it felt like there was no air left to breathe.

After months it still hurts to see him again. It hurts because I realized I still need him even after everything. I hate him. So why do I love him? The feeling of him being the only one I want, the one nobody could ever replace...it’s overwhelming and I can’t seem to shake it. But me? He replaced. It looked like it was easy from my point of view. He needed her, wanted her, and i’m not her.

i miss you when i can’t sleep or right after coffee or right when i can’t eat, i miss you in my front seat, still got sand in my sweaters from nights we don’t remember. do you miss me like i miss you? fucked around and got attached to you.

My head was consumed on thoughts of you. It was constant. Like the leaky faucet in the bathroom or the loose floorboard. Always running, always broken. I miss you. Maybe you’ll come around, but for now...I wish you were here instead. When it’s late and I can’t sleep, I think about you. When it’s early and I can’t eat, I think about you.

“Where are we going?” you giggled excitedly, grabbing my hand from across the console in my truck.

“Shh, I told you it’s a surprise baby, we’re almost there anyways.” I laughed at her giggling like a kid, she had so much excitement in her eyes. She was always ready for anything, even if it was 2 in the morning and I love that about her. I love everything about her.

“Ugh fine!” she groaned dramatically and rolled her eyes in a full circle looking up at the ceiling. “Why are we at the beach?” you didn’t even give me enough time to answer before jumping out of the truck and running towards the sand laughing the entire way to the water. Once I caught up with you, I grabbed your hands and pulled you close into my chest, kissing your forehead. When we broke apart I laid down a few blankets on the sand, noticing you were cold, I also gave you my sweater.

We stared at the stars and talked about anything and everything for hours. It felt magical. We stayed until the sun came up, watching the sunset before driving back to my house for some much needed rest.

Walking over to my closet, curious to know if that same sweater ended up back in my closet after that night. I reached in, digging around not finding anything and decided to look in my dresser instead. Of course, it was folded neatly in the drawer you used to call yours. Grabbing and shaking it out I noticed the light pieces of sand that fell from it. I brought it in to my nose wondering if it still smelt like your perfume. It did. I’m always tired lately, but never of you. Do you miss me too?

if i pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit, i put this reel out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit. i type a text then i never mind that shit, i got these feelings, but you never mind that shit. you’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know.

To Y/N: i wanna talk, i think...maybe i miss y-

*delete*

To Rafe: I miss you so much, it hurt someti-

*delete*

“Y/N...what’s going on? You’re off in never never land! Do you still miss him?” Kiara asked, gently shaking my knee to gain my attention back to the group. I looked at her and around at the rest of the pogues and put a smile on my face, shaking my head.

“Of course not, it’s been months! I’m so over him, guys. Besides even if I did, it wouldn’t matter.” I tried so hard to sound confident. I hope they bought it. Of fucking course, I miss Rafe. I’m still in love with him for gods sake. I hate that I want him.

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

Sure, i’ve moved on, but I think about y/n, just about everyday. I guess for me, moving on is finding someone new, but not actually wanting anyone new. I just couldn’t bare to be alone anymore with my thoughts. I deserve better than that, personally.

“Anyways Topper, if y/n wanted me still, she would say so right?” I looked at Topper, silently hoping he would lie to me, just tell me what I want to hear, man. “If I were her, I would’ve never let me go. She’s missing out.”

“Hell yea, dude! That’s the right attitude.” Topper said, jumping up to high five me. Of course, that was the statement he was on board with. I hate that I want you.

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

I haven’t been to a party in months, Kiara and Sarah thought that this would be the most fitting post-break up activity for me. Maybe meet a new guy or something. I tuned out when they were telling me about it and just agreed. What I neglected to listen to, was that it was a kook party. So now, i’m at a party alone, since my friends ditched me to dance with each other. And on top of that, I watch him watch her, like she’s the only girl he’s ever seen.

It took less than an hour of being at this party for us to end up in a room alone together.

“You don’t care! You never did!” Rafe shouted, running his hands through his hair, clearly exasperated with this conversation. I don’t even know how it started. One minute I was watching him with another girl, and the next he was hauling me off, away from everyone.

“You don’t give a damn about me, Rafe! How is it you never notice that you’re slowly killing me?” you wanted to yell back at him, to scream at him for putting you through this again, but you couldn’t. He didn’t say anything in return so you continued, “I hate you, and I hate that I love you, Rafe.” I’ve tried to move on, but even the simple thought of dating anyone but him, makes me physically ill. Why does it have to be like this?

“I don’t mean no harm, I just miss you on my arm, babe. Do you ever wonder what we could’ve been y/n?” He’s taunting me by asking dumb questions, as if I wanted this to happen, as if i’m the cause of all of this. Rafe’s the one that was closed off, not me. Of course, he switches the stories and i’m sure everyone at this damn party thinks I left him heart broken.

“You have a girlfriend, why are you even asking me that?” I was starting to get angry, I felt like he was toying with me.

He’s laughing. Of fucking course, he’s laughing at me. This is all one big fucking joke to him. “Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix. Isn’t that what you always told your friends Rafe?” I was furious, how could he act that way after everything? He’s still a child though, that will never change.

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

You were right. I did lie to you, multiple times. About where I was, who I was with, what I was doing. I didn’t want you to know I was such a fuck up. You didn’t deserve the pain of finding out I was lying and cheating and drugging. You did anyways though. Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed.

“Rafe! Come dance with me!” I downed the rest of my drink before throwing the glass down and walking away from the new girl I was seeing. I didn’t care anymore.

I don’t want you, Y/N. I shouldn’t fucking miss you. I don’t deserve to! Seeing you again is such bullshit. If you wouldn’t have shown up here, I wouldn’t have said those things to you. Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges, just to create some distance. You didn’t deserve that, I knew it, but at least now you might learn your lesson and stay away. It’s for the best, right?

I hate that I love her, but I can’t put nobody else above her.

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

I wasn’t sure if I had the closure I needed, but after that particular conversation with Rafe I felt a little better. I returned to the party with my head held high and danced with my friends. I hoped he was watching me too since i’m not sure what he was trying to do by joking around at my expense. But maybe if he thinks it didn’t bother me he will know how it fucking feels.

I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings when love and trust is gone. I guess this is moving on. I hate you, I love you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#outer banks #rafe cameron #rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron blurb #rafe cameron x reader #drew starkey #drew starkey imagine #outer banks imagine

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not-actually-human · 2 years

Text

I posted 2,098 times in 2021

138 posts created (7%)

1960 posts reblogged (93%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 14.2 posts.

I added 186 tags in 2021

#cr spoilers - 69 posts

#empires smp - 25 posts

#cr liveblog - 24 posts

#critical role - 18 posts

#cr c3 - 10 posts

#trans - 9 posts

#nonbinary - 8 posts

#dsmp - 8 posts

#cr - 8 posts

#imogen temult - 7 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#tumblr user relaxxattack i want you to know that youve made me cry enough already and at this point i will require you to pay for my therapy

My Top Posts in 2021

have i been listening to shut up and cheer on loop for the past 4 hours? yes, yes i have.

68 notes • Posted 2021-09-06 21:59:05 GMT

a very quick sketch based off of @davekrtzyy‘s geminitay empires outfit board. this was like legit a lot of fun lol

85 notes • Posted 2021-09-07 02:29:06 GMT

you dont get to tell me that representation doesnt matter when im crying over cemetery boys because its the first book ive ever read with a trans main character. i didnt realize how much this book would mean to me. because ive never had that in books or any media.

it is so fucking important that young kids have characters and stories that they can relate to and see themselves in because previous queer generations didnt have this. im still very young and part of a generation that is being exposed to more representation, and even i didnt see any queer characters until late middle school.

so when i see a character talking about things like his family deadnaming and misgendering him, wearing a binder and being uncomfortable without it, and not feeling confident enough to even use the correct bathroom, i think, “hey, i feel those things. i experience these things. i resonate with these things.” and i want all young lgbtqia kids to have that feeling because its the fucking best thing in the world.

88 notes • Posted 2021-08-25 10:42:39 GMT

He ignored it. It wasn’t real, someone was just pranking him. A demon? That's absolutely ridiculous. He went about his life as normal, mining, building, and repeating. There was a routine to it that he somewhat appreciated. He would fly over to the ocean on occasion, or the swamp. He would help his allies when they needed help, and then he would assume business as normal. The vines someone kept building around his palace didn’t really bother him, so he left them be. There weren’t that many anyways, not in comparison to the other empires.

So whatever. He really didn’t understand why everyone else was so concerned. There was no reason to panic, he insisted to his friends. No reason to panic when a messenger sprinted into his palace, talking much too fast for it to be a normal message between kingdoms. No reason to panic at all. Especially not when they say something about the ocean kingdom being overtaken. She's fine. The demon isn't real. There's no reason to panic.

He wasn’t panicking as he excused himself from the room, as he stumbled outside and took off in the direction of his wife’s kingdom. He wasn't panicking as he saw the lily pads and houses and palace below him, all covered in corruption. He wasn’t panicking when he saw her collapsed on the floor of her palace, covered in red vines.

A week later he walks into a completely different castle, in a land of flowers, not coral.

“How can I help?” he asks, tired and filled with grief, now unable to enjoy the bliss that comes with ignorance.

165 notes • Posted 2021-09-27 13:31:04 GMT

watching hermitcraft geminitay: oh haha fun woodland builds, hanging out with friends, cottagcore aesthetic, overall a chill, kinda chaotic but in a good way, comfy vibe!

watching empires geminitay: a wizard isolated and alone in the mountains, complex morality and selfishness vs. selflessness, being in possession of the only thing that could save the server, watching her friends lose sense of themselves, seeing her kingdom and her friends kingdoms being overtaken by an evil force

175 notes • Posted 2021-09-20 10:08:29 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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wthzoe · 4 years

Text

chapter 5 - don't let it bring you down

"but don't let it bring you down and turn your face into a frown"

series masterlist - here

previous | next

a/n: wrote this right after i posted chap 4 and it's already 4 am 😃 im still not sleepy rip. so as i said, ive been writing the whole night so i don't know if this chapter makes sense sksksks

Kuroo had a volleyball game coming up in two weeks which made him busy after school. He hadn’t been able to pick up the triplets from daycare and look after them. As for you, he only saw you in the mornings and briefly during classes as they had volleyball practice even during class hours. To say he misses you is an understatement. He even went as far as setting the picture he secretly took of you as his lock screen wallpaper so that you were the first thing he sees when he turns on his phone. He made sure to be careful as to not let a stranger who doesn’t know of your circumstances see it.

Akaashi approached Kuroo who was sitting on the floor with his head tilted back. The curly haired male handed him a bottle of water before sitting down next to the bed haired one.

“Bokuto and I could feel how much you miss (Y/N) from a mile away.” Akaashi bluntly stated.

“Really, now.” Kuroo replied, too tired and (Y/N)-deprived to think of a snarky reply. He chugged down the water Akaashi gave him and stood up to leave. “Well, I’m going first.”

“We’ll be going, too.”

With that, all three of them went back to their respective homes. Upon arriving home, Kuroo went straight into the bathroom to shower in able to go straight to bed. Stepping out of the shower topless while drying his hair off with a towel, he fishes his gym bag for his phone only to be met with anything other than the said device. He felt his heart race. Just when he had something to hide in there, he just had to lose his phone. He poured out the contents of his bag into his bed and he felt the fatigue in his body leave him.

Meanwhile back in the university, a student who had business in the gym saw a phone light up. She picks up the phone and turn it on to try to identify the owner. The lock screen was a photo of a woman carrying what seems like a two-year old baby. She takes a closer look and was finally able to identify that it was you.

Back home you were doing your homework when you hear a series of knocks on your door. Opening it, you were met with Kuroo looking quite jittery and pale. You furrow your brows before asking him what was wrong.

“I, uh. Can you do me a favor? My phone’s missing and I’m pretty sure the location’s on.”

“Oh, sure, sure. Come in. Do you want some water?”

“I’m fine but thanks anyway.”

The two of you work together to locate his phone and he was so relieved to find out that it was just in the university, most likely in the gym. Then he remembered what he had set as his lock screen a few days ago. He quickly thanked you then rushed to pick his phone up, silently praying that no one saw his wallpaper. He didn’t think that you’d be ashamed of your sons, but then you didn’t really seem like you intended to tell people you’re not close to seeing as people usually don’t have anything nice to say. He wanted to respect that decision of yours but because of him losing his phone you might have a hard time. When he got to the university his phone was at the lost and found which only means that someone had seen his lock screen. Fuck.

The next day rolled around and you were in Kuroo’s backseat with the triplets as usual. The two of you drop them off at the daycare and when you went back to his car, he seemed paler than before. He was also tapping the stirring wheel repeatedly, something he does when something is bothering him.

“Tetsu,” the way he flinched at the sound of your voice had you even more worried. “Are you okay?”

He debated whether he should tell you what he’d done. If by chance someone did see it and the news had spread, it’d be his fault and there was a big chance that this would be the last time you’d talk to him. However, he didn’t want to keep it from you and wait before you find out yourself. He sighed, here goes.

“Listen, (Y/N). I just want to say that I’m sorry in advance,” your brows furrowed, heart beating faster. “Why don’t you go grab my phone then turn it on.”

You do as he says, eyes widening at the candid photo of you and Masao. It was surprising, but you didn’t get what was making him so troubled.

“Remember when I left that behind at uni last night?” He glanced at you to check your reaction. Your expression remained confused. “I got it from the lost and found. So, that being said… it’s highly likely that someone saw that lock screen.”

It took you a few more seconds to get what he was saying and then, oh. Oh. You got it. There’s a big chance that at this very second, people would be talking about you and your sons. You didn’t know whether to laugh or what. It was like high school all over again. You were sure of one thing, though. You were scared. Scared of having to walk through the hallways with all eyes on you, hearing their whispers. The disgust and disappointment evident in the way they looked at you.

Your silence made Kuroo even more tense. He couldn’t read your expression from the little glances he’s taking as he drives. You carefully place his phone back where it was before speaking.

“Oh.” You reply shortly. Tears were starting to pool around your eyes and you were sure your voice would break if you speak. You didn’t want Kuroo to see you being weak and worry so you turn your head away from him. He took this as a sign that you were indeed mad at him, his heart broke thinking about how he ruined everything between the two of you.

When you arrived you quickly stepped out of the car and walked ahead. Usually, Kuroo would open the door for you then you’d walk together, but of course, today would be different. Maybe even the following days, weeks, months, years. Who knows? All Kuroo knew was that he fucked up and he’d driven you away from him.

You wiped away your tears before entering the building. Just as you’d suspected, almost everyone was looking at you weird and whispering amongst themselves. You were even able to hear one of the few things they said.

“I heard that the child looked like it was already at least two, that means…”

You clenched your fists and carried on. When you entered the classroom, you were surprised to see people sitting down in their respective seats quietly. Too quietly. You expected the classroom to be the place where there’d be more people talking about you. It still didn’t change the fact, however, that some others have their eyes on you.

“Mornin’, (Y/N)!” Bokuto greeted. You smiled back at him curtly. Akaashi was looking at you with worry but you didn’t notice as you immediately sink into your seat.

Classes dragged on longer than it used to and lunch became unbearable as you decided not to join your three friends. Instead, you lock yourself in a bathroom stall, head tilted back as you try to stop your tears from falling. You thought you’d be safe there but you were proved to be wrong when at least four girls entered, gossiping about ‘that freshie who already has a child.’

‘Please, let this day end already.’ You thought.

When the classes were finally over, you went straight home instead of at work, wanting nothing else but to wrap yourself in your blanket and cry yourself to sleep. You didn’t even realize that you haven’t picked up the triplets from the daycare when you’d fallen asleep.

Kuroo was staring at your number on his phone, debating whether to call you or give you space. When he was about to turn his phone off and shove it into his gym bag, he felt it vibrate. However, instead of your name popping up like he hoped, it was an unknown number.

“Hello?”

“Ah, Sir Kuroo! I’m the triplets’ teacher. Ms. (Y/N) hasn’t come to pick the boys up. I know it’s only been twenty minutes but Ms. (Y/N) is never late unless she calls to say so. She wouldn’t answer her phone either. I was hoping you could check up on her.”

He felt his heart beating faster. “O-okay. I’ll pick the boys up on the way as well. Thank you for calling me.”

“Okay, I’ll have the boys ready. Have a safe drive, sir.”

The call ended and Kuroo slung his gym bag on his shoulder. He turned to Bokuto and Akaashi who were also taking a break from practice.

“Guys, I’m going ahead. The triplets’ teacher called, apparently they haven’t been picked up yet and (Y/N)’s not answering her phone. Cover for me.” He didn’t even wait for their response when he practically sprinted to his car.

When he picked up the boys, they were staring at him with a curious look on their faces. Kuroo wasn’t able to pay mind to it as he couldn’t stop thinking about you. After the three were safely seated in their car seats, they drove to where you worked but alas, you weren’t there. Your boss explained that you didn’t come in that day and that usually you’d call when you weren’t coming in. This didn’t make Kuroo feel any better at all. The only place he knows to check was your apartment.

Back at your apartment you’d just woken up, panicking when you saw that it’s already dark out. You tried to recall if you even picked up the boys. When you remembered that you didn’t, you sprung up. Muttering a string of ‘oh shit’s, you run out of your room. You were about to open the door when someone from the other side beat you to it. Kuroo was standing in front of you, hands on the triplets’ shared stroller. Without a word, you grab the stroller from him and slammed the door on him. You were 100% sure that there were clear traces of the breakdown you had earlier so in fear of having Kuroo see you in that state, you had no choice but to cold heartedly slam the door on him.

Once again, Kuroo Tetsurou’s heart broke.

#kuroo x reader #kuroo imagine #kuroo imagines #kuroo tetsuro x reader #kuroo tetsuro imagines #kuroo tetsuro imagine #kuroo tetsurou x reader #kuroo tetsurou imagine #kuroo tetsurou imagines #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu scenario #haikyuu au #haikyuu #with a smile series

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itsthecupbros · 3 years

Text

Just a scene

I wrote this with @shattered-ecilpse-varian last night for out hogwarts au and I thought Id format it here-

Mugman looked into the mirror of the 4th floor boys bathroom and saw and felt his face flush blue. It was near midnight, no no one should walk in on him, but he was still anxious. Bracing his hands on either side of the sink and taking a deep breath, he looked himself over. Maraca, a hint of dark blue eyeshadow, light pink lip gloss. He knew that if his father, heck, anyone in his old neighborhood saw him like this, they would never wash the blood out of the road. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the cold surface of the mirror. After reassuring himself, he released the sink and took a step back, looking at himself in the clear glass surface. The long blue dress gently brushed the tops of his bare feet as he turned slightly on the spot. It had two straps, leading his white shoulders and upper back exposed. He thought he looked amazing, but then all of the the memories and facts came crashing down onto him. What people would think, what they would say. Guys can't wear dresses, guys can't appear like this. His face flushed dark again and he looked at the cold floor, trying to push away the shame already rising in his face.

Indigo was wandering around stress forcing him to walk was exhausted he couldn't sleep so he sweared he heard loud angry footsteps coming his way he quickly entered the boys bathroom panic-stricken he didn't want to get in trouble all over again. He saw his crush dress up in a beautiful dress he just froze staring not knowing what exactly to say

It was a few moments before Mugman noticed him. He turned and let out a Yelp, taking a step back as his face flushed darker in embarrassment. "I-Indigo! Wh-what are you doing here?" He looked downward, his face hot. He braced himself for indigo to laugh at him, or cry out in disgust, or ridicule him in some other manner.

"Tt. Um.. you... i..." Indigo flushed red looking down dying inside "I'm sorry I...I didn't m-m-mean to i-intrude I'm sorry"

"N-No! Please! I-I was just startled..." The toon let out a nervous laugh, avoiding his eyes and rubbing at the elbow joint of his prosthetic, suddenly self conscious that it was so exposed.

"Um... what what are you why are you up this late?: Indigo mumbled softly squeezing his already scratched off and red arm trying to stay awake trying to not let anything bad happen

"I-I just wanted to... to t-try some things on without the boys from my dorm looking on..."

"Oo...um understandable..." Indigo smiled a little scratching a little. "Um....you...you looked look nice..."

Mugman flushed darker. "R-really? I..I wasn't sure... you.. you don't think I look like... l-like a freak? ..o-or something...?" He wrapped his arms around himself, still avoiding his eyes.

Indigo shook his head "N-no! I no? You don't!"

Mugman seemed stunned for a few seconds before he gave a chiming laugh and a glowing smile, his eyes shining. "..thank you..."

Indigo just gave an embarrassed thumbs up. He looked away and tried to think of more conversation "Um...so...... you can't sleep I'm guessing?"

"...no... too many nightmares..." mugman replied, looked away and biting his lip.

"Mmhm...same.... want to wander around?..um I've been doing that for the past... I don't know how many hours.. we can try to find new secret passageways and such! I do that when I can't sleep or I just watch over the dorm.. but it seems like Atlas got that one covered tonight" Inido smiled looking down reaching out his hand.

Mugman reached out, gripping it gently and smiling. "I think I'd like that..."

Indigo smiled nervously holding his hand and it started walking. "Okay! Let's do this"

Mugman giggled as he started speeding up. "Come on, I know this great hidden room up ahead!"

Indigo smiled letting the toon go first "Okay! Show show!" He said fidgeting, extremely excited and well happy. He was barely flustered anymore just happy to hang out with someone

Mugman rushed around a corner and ducked through a tapestry, starting to talk as he sped by. "My older brother is quite the troublemaker. On our first day, he showed me and lost the best spots in the castle. You would t believe the trouble he's gotten himself into in the past..."

Indigo quietly followed knowing a bit about getting in trouble "Mmhm! that's always nice"

After running down a passageway for a while, mugs turned a corner and came to a large open room with a small fountain off to the side, ornate pillars around the walls, and a tree growing in the center. Mugman smiled. "This has to be my favorite of the places he showed me... I'm not sure what it's used for, but I think it's beautiful..."

Indigo stared gobsmacked he started looking around and just smiled "Whoa..."

Mugman gently squeezed his hand. "...I know right...?" His voice had taken a softer tone.

Indigo gently squeezed back "Yeah.."

Mugman looked at him and felt his heart flutter, warmth rushing to his face. He looked away again, pushing the feeling down. He didn't know what it was, but he didn't want to tempt fate.

"So...um.." Indigo squeezed his hand a little and started walking to the tree "Let's hang out?"

Mugman walked beside him, squeezing back. "We'll have to be back before morning, but I'd love that..."

"Okay... that sucks" Indigo mumbled softly and sat down exhaustion hitting him hard

"...tired...?" Mugman asked with a small smile.

"Always.." Indigo mumbled softly rubbing his eyes

Mugman hesitated "...I get that.. some... things... have been happening lately... I... I actually really need to talk about it... s-so.. can I vent to you...?"

"Mm..do tell... I'm here.." Indigo smiled, as his eyes closed he was quietly listening

Mugman paused for a few moments, bracing himself "okay.. s-so... I...I suppose I should start at the beginning... C-Cuphead and I got kicked out of the house when I was 3... our mom was a witch, but she didn't tell our dad until after I was born. She... she died shortly after... I don't know how... our dad was already n-not fond of us because we were wizards, but when he found out my brother was gay... it was the final straw..." he paused, taking a deep breath to stop the tears forming in his eyes. "...w-we lived on the streets for a while until cups could get enough money to rent an apartment. One day, we found another toon. He literally bumped into us on the streets and begged us to help him, he said he was being hunted and he had been under the control of dark wizards for over a year... we weren't sure, but took him in... he didn't remember his name... so he gave himself the name lost... surprisingly, we were accepted into this school and were able to escape for a while... unfortunately, apparently the people who had been controlling lost didnt want to give him up... th-they... came for him... I-Ive never see Lost so scared... he was screaming and begging... we fought them off... but... we didn't get out in one piece..." he gestured to his prosthetic, tears were starting to slip down his face. "...what scares me most is that they... they hired someone... they call themselves void and they're one of the most wanted magic users in country... they crushed cuphead's hand and... they never stop until they get the job done... we have an agreement with the headmaster... so we can stay at the castle over break... b-but I'm still terrified every night that they'll find us... Im terrified they'll take lost and kill the two of us for standing in their way... and.. th-theres no way to know if today will be the last day... I.. Im just so scared..."

Indigo just stared at him worried and bewildered. He just didn't know what to say he just looked down hugging himself

Mugman realized he'd been rambling, his face flushing. "O-oh jeez... I'm so sorry... I ruined it, didnt I...? I-I shouldn't dump that on you... jeez... stupid, stupid..." he bit his lip. He completely ruined it. They were having such a nice night... Indigo didnt need to hear about all the terrifying things going on without him and his brothers...

He quietly pulled him into a hug. He quietly mumbles "I'm so sorry..."

He closed his eyes and hugged him back, repressing a sob as all the emotions he had been repressing came crashing down on him at once. The horror of watching his own brother screaming and begging for mercy. The terror of living every day having to wonder if this would be the last time he would see the sun. He was trembling, clinging to indigo as his resolve finally broke and he sobbed into his shoulder, his body shaking I violently as wave after wave of emotion crashed into him.

Indigo gently held him rubbing his back. He tried to comfort him, he was pretty sure it wasn't good enough but he had to try

He choked out apologies as he struggled to regain control, praying indigo wouldn't hate him and already hating himself for dumping his own emotions onto the person he considered his best friend.

Indigo just started softly speaking in German in a tune of a lullaby. He scooped him up the best he could and just held him continuing to speak

After the toon managed to stop himself from sobbing, he continued to cling to him, his arms wrapped around him and his face buried in his chest.

The twin buried himself into him as well mostly in his shoulder. He didn't cling on to him as tightly but he still held on to him still mumbling that German tune

After a few minutes, mugman took in a shuddering breath and gently pulled away, looking downwards. His mascara was smudged and there were black tear tracks running down his pale face. He kept his eyes downcast. "I-I'm sorry... you mustn't think much of me now... right...? ...s-sorry... I just... g-god I'm so weak...

Indigo shook his head holding both of his hands not caring about the prosthetic. He just tiredly mumbled "....you're strong...you're strong.."

Mugman hesitated "...I-I just broke down in your arms and you still tell me I'm strong.. I... I really don't deserve you as a friend..." his voice was weak and broken as he bit his lip. "...you don't deserve me dumping this on you... I-I'm sorry..."

He hugged him tightly "N-no I... don't go please" Indigo's voice out of nowhere became weak and filled with terror

He hesitated before squeezing his hand, swallowing the lump in his throat before nodding, his voice only a whisper. "O-okay... I won't go..."

"Sorry.." He eventually mumbled his eyes closed trying not to slip into sleep

"...please don't be... I'm the one who just dumped a ton off emotional trauma onto you..."

Indigo mumbled incoherently clinging onto him exhaustion finally pulling him down to slumber

Mugman ran a hand through his hair, soon realizing that he had fallen asleep. He started to panic for a few seconds before managing to calm himself down, leaning back and letting his eyes flutter shut, focusing on indigo's even breaths. Maybe just a little rest... he could... wake up before morning.... before he could stop himself, he drifted into unconscious.

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barnesandrogersfanfics · 5 years

Text

Baby Love - Part 3

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Chris had been away filming for a little over a month now and we had spoken multiple times during the days and Skyped for hours at night. I was currently tucked up in bed with Dodger watching The Walking Dead feeling like hell. When my phone starting ringing i already knew it would be Chris with his nightly Skype call.

"Hey" i answered as i paused the TV.

"Hey sweetheart, how are you?" He asked smiling at me.

"Meh, i feel like crap so ive spent most of the day in bed watching Walking Dead with Dodger"

"You sick?" He asked frowning at me.

"Maybe, flu's going around at the moment so maybe its the start of that. Im just so tired and keep going light headed"

"You should go to the doctor, that doesnt sound good"

"I'll be fine, im sure i'll feel better once ive slept for a while" i shrugged "how's filming been?"

"Yeah good, i think we're almost there"

"Thats good, i miss you"

"I miss you too. Dodger been behaving?"

"Of course! His my boy, such a good boy for me" i turned the phone round to show him Dodger curled up against me, head resting on my lap. His Lion teddy was also next to him.... he took that thing everywhere with him.

"I feel really left out!"

"Awww well there's a spot right here with your name on it when you get home"

"I cant wait" he smiled. We sat talking for a while longer until he was being called back to set, we said goodnight and he promised to call me in the morning.

When i woke up the following morning i was sweating and felt the sudden urge to vomit! I managed to make it to the toilet in time before emptying my stomach of the little food i had managed to eat yesterday.

"Great, looks like another day in bed bubba" i said to Dodger who was sat in the doorway staring at me. I stood and stripped off my tshirt id worn for bed and got in the shower. ....I felt a little better after the shower and brushing my teeth but still climbed back into bed after letting Dodger out in the garden for a while.

How you feeling today? Xx

I got a message from Chris around 10am, i smiled instantly when i saw his name.

Honestly? Like death! I woke up in a cold sweat and then i was sick, Dodger just sat there staring at me the whole time lol xx

He was being supportive! Lol xx

Yeah, yeah.

How's your morning been? Xx

Good, The Russo's said i'll probably be home by the weekend 😄 xx

Thats great news! Ive missed you Evans and Dodger misses his daddy too xx

I miss you guys too, so much! I hate knowing your sick and im not there for you xx

Its okay, im a big girl i can make soup and lay in bed feeling sorry for myself just fine lol xx

Don't yell at me for saying this but, You sure your not pregnant?? Xx

You saw me do the test it was negative xx

Yeah but then we had some mind blowing sex incase you forgot?? Xx

Shit.... maybe. I mean its possible... xx

Did you have any of those tests left over? Xx

Yeah xx

Well go check woman! What are you waiting for?? Xx

Im kinda scared! I dont want to do it on my own!! Xx

Go pee on the stick and then Skype me, we can look together xx

Okay xx

I got up from my bed and walked into the bathroom, the tests were in the cupboard under my sink so i bent down and pulled one out with shaky hands.

Once i pee'd on the stick and put the cap on i went back to bed and left the test face down beside me while i called Chris. His face appearing on my screen after the first ring, he smiled instantly and let out a laugh.

"Why are you so worried? If you are pregnant its is a good thing.... its what we wanted right?"

"Yeah i know its just.... its easier when your here with me"

"Im here"

"Its not the same and you know it"

"Im sorry, i wish i could be there you know that"

"I know" the alarm on my phone went off signalling it was time to look and my heart started racing.

"Was that time?" Chris asked leaning closer to the screen.

"Yeah" i nodded picking up the test and taking a deep breath "i cant breathe!"

"Relax sweetheart, its fine. Now tell me if im gonna be a daddy or not"

I turned the test over and started shaking my head "hey its okay, we can try again when i get back...." he started to say, i could hear how disappointed he sounded but he was being strong for me.

"Chris.... your gonna be a daddy"

"What??"

"Its positive!" I smiled with tears in my eyes as i held up the test to show him.

"Your pregnant??!"

"Im pregnant!"

"Fuck! This is amazing! Oh my god i want to be there with you so bad!"

"Are you crying Evans?" I asked seeing his hands quickly wipe under his eyes.

"Of course i am!" He laughed wiping the tears away "this is what ive always wanted..."

"I know, me too" i beamed at him resting a hand on my stomach lovingly "this is really happening Chris"

"Fuck..." he shook his head and pushed his hair back before looking at me with the biggest grin "i cant wait, im so excited.... i feel like a kid on christmas morning!"

"Your such a dork" i chuckled "i cant wait for you to get home"

"Me either..... fuck! Im gonna be a dad!"

"Best daddy in the world"

"I hope so"

"You'll be amazing"

"Shit, i gotta go they need me back on set..... im gonna try and come home as soon as i can i promise! I'll call you in the morning"

"Okay" i nodded smiling at how happy he was, he really was like an excited puppy!

"Love you mama" he winked before ending the call. I locked my phone throwing it on the bed, the movement making Dodger look up at me.

"Your daddy is gonna be the death of me i swear" i chuckled to myself as i stroked Dodger, it wasnt too long after that i was sound asleep again.... i really did feel like shit, but now i knew why.... it was definately worth it.

@jennmurawski13

@mybabyboytony

#chris evans x reader #chris evans #steve x reader #babylove #friendstolovers

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sovengarde · 4 years

Text

i hate to vent in public but at this point my notes app is filling up and i have no where else to let this out

i really fucking hate being mentally ill. i fucking hate that i blow up at small things and push everyone away. i always fuck everything up, one way or another. everything is always my fault.

my mother has a friend she wants us to stay with but i hate it over there. im trying not to sound like some stoner cali dude but literally the vibe there makes me physically sick. by the time we're leaving, or fuck even before then, im just so drained of any energy it's not even funny. like i cant fall asleep to save my life but as soon as we get home im passed out, provided i didnt do that in the car.

but because the situation at home isnt great either she wanted us to stay with her. and normally i just say no i dont and it never really escalates but when the whole fight that happened last week between my mother and grandfather that denial was fought by her. i told her i didnt want to go into detail and she got upset but i figured it wouldnt be a problem like any other time.

so she leaves for a week to spend some time there and i locked myself in my room for the week. it felt nice to be by myself and not on edge all the time. because being around her is also draining. fuck she even said she had an amazing time. i've been trying to convince her to go back next week lol.

i walk on eggshells around my own mother. anytime she does anything remotely wrong i have to just sit and take it, because god forbid i bring up any concern to her. she shuts down and then a few hours later im being guilt tripped into apologizing. lather rinse repeat for the 19 years ive been alive.

honestly i wouldve rather have been raised like she was and not allowed to talk about anything at all. rather than her telling me i can talk about anything and when i actually do she throws it back into my face and blows up at me.

i have so many vivid memories of her losing her shit over things ive said. like the time i first came out and she screamed at me that i wasnt transgender bc i didnt fit the fuckin description of the 2 episodes of i am jazz she watched.

or when i told her about my suicidal thoughts and i had to coax her into the driveway bc she was standing in the street saying stuff like "well i should just let a car run me over!"

oh and then the time where she was screaming though the walls of my bedroom that "you should just get emancipated! how about you just fucking leave!" i used to have a fuckin recording of that but when my fb got closed i lost it.

just recently with my new psychiatrist i told her about the bpd diagnosis, side note i fuckin knew i had it since 10th grade, her gut reaction was "yea well i have all kinds of cancer! sorry go on" she fuckin """""""apologized"""""" after that. that literally told me her actual thoughts on my mental health, and that either she doesnt believe me or just doesnt fucking care

and then if i bring it up and she gaslights me telling me that shed never say anything like that. listen idk if you know this but traumatic events kinda stick in your brain for your entire life. i can hear her screaming at me when i think about these times, i can almost see it, it's like im actually there again.

but of course it's always my fault. shes on the phone with my aunt i think talking about "well that plans just not gonna happen." so blatantly in front of me. sitting in the bathroom of her office building damn near nauseous from the stress and then were gonna go home and shes either gonna keep being angry or try and act like itll never happen.

shit like this is why im constantly high now. because at least she'll leave me alone when im high. honestly with how things are going my racist, transphobic, and man baby grandfather starts to look less horrible compared to her. because at least he wont fuckin allow me to let my guard down and then spit in my face.

im so fucming exhausted, im quite literally at my wits end. ive only been in such a deep depression in highschool and i tried to game end myself. literally what the fuck am i supposed to do. i only have like 1 friend i can talk to and i hate putting shit on her, shes got enough on her plate as is. i dont have a therapist anymore. my psychiatrist doesnt like to talk about what's going on bc hes afraid of weed and only schedules meetings that are 30 minutes long.

worst part is i cant fuckin cry. i wanna let these emotions out but after years of pushing them down my """""""normal""""""" is unbareable numbness. i dont feel anything whatsoever. i react inappropriately in most situations. im just in a constant detached state, when i finally see through my own thick shit im terrified of who ive become, that is if i can even recognize my own face.

but from a very early age it was beaten into me that showing weakness to anyone will get me hurt so i stopped. moms even commented that i dont react in normal ways. shes told me she doesnt believe i have panic attacks as often as i do because im not outwardly freaking out. firstly theres multiple kinds of panic attacks. secondly everytime im shaking and suffocating i get yelled at. told im making too big a deal out of what's going on and that i need to stop. so i fuckin suppressed it.

but of course it's all my fault for being actually unable to regulate my fucking emotions and for being so distant and unstable all the time. it’s funny when im not making up my own problems actual issues destroy me. idk man im just. im really tired.

#some heavy tw #venting like a degenerate #haha nerd

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