#im realizing I have to try harder .. I’ve been treating myself with less care than I deserve

[katsukisbimbo]

Bokuto Koutaro x Reader

✯pairing: Bokuto Koutaro x Reader

✯genre: strangers-to-lovers au!! with fluff, cRack aND!! smut!! slight angst too. uhh the several uses of the term “fat c0ck” because bokuto has a big dick

✯summary: meeting bokuto was a roller coaster you weren’t ready for, but you knew that if you had the chance you’d ride on it over and over again just to experience everything all over again

✯wordcount: 3.7k

✯note: hey guys i’m slowly pushing requests out so i hope you guys can bare with me!! this is for @gulfwanq​ who’s writing i absolutely love!! keep making great content love, muAh

you first met bokutou when you went to the local convenience store near your school

you really wanted some onigiri plus you didn’t have lunch

aNd onigiri miya was closed today

sigh

rUmbLe RuMbLe

gosh you were hungry

when you went to grab the last onigiri on the shelf you were surprised to see another person grab it before you

like huh

do i have to bite this stupid persons hand of-

you turn your head to look at the culprit and

your jaw DROPS

this man is gorgeous

and he looks like an owl

a really cute owl

owo

“if you could kindly take your hands off of my lunch i’d greatly appreciate it >.

and that’s the nicest way you could tell someone to fuck off really

but he just smiles and pulls the onigiri towards him and turns to walk away

oH NO YOU DONT BEEFY BOY

you jump on his back and try to choke him?? and steal the onigiri back??

and this dude is just laughing

what part of this is a JOKE to you HUH

this is LUNCH

LUNCH IS NOT A JOKE

you were not here to play games with cute boys

but you would make an exception if he played with your-

ANYWAYS!!!

the store owner sees the two of you fooling around and just kicks you both out

in the end neither of you ended up with the onigiri

“did you see what you did horn head? now i’m hungry”

and he just grabs your arm and pulls you into a different direction

“hEY- wHere are you tAking mE” you yelled exasperatedly at the random boy who was pulling you

“we’re going to get ramen”

oh ok

but like,, was he going to treat u or,,,

“i’m paying, come on”

wEll

who were you to turn down free food??

especially from a beefy looking dad-

aNYWAYS

“wait a minute,,, who aRe you?”

“hEY HEY HEY!!! dOnt you know me y/n??? i’m bokuto koUtaro!! i’m in the top 5 ranking of japan’s aces!!! i’m the best!!!”

his name,, did not ring a bell

nothing at all

“uhh,, ok,, how’d you know my name?”

ruh roh

bokuto started sweating profusely when you asked him that question

siri how do you tell your kouhai that you’ve noticed her ever since she was a first year but you were too pussy to actually talk to her or ask her out until you saw her trying to get the last onigiri at a convenience store so u say ‘hey why not steal her onigiri and make her fall in love with me’ so that’s exactly what u do

siri: here are the search results for “adult diapers”

sIRI THATS NOT WHAT I SAID

“ahh i’ve noticed you around before n i kinda thought you were cute”

take in bokuto didn’t even care that you didn’t acknowledge him before like he just cares that you’re talking to him now

n he was just avoiding your gaze but all u could think about was how cUTE!! he looked

wow

babie

and that was how you met bokuto koutaro

now he was almost leaving you

and through the months, bokuto had weaseled his way into life as your best friend, and in your heart, but as something more

it was easy to catch feelings for him

i mean,, who wouldn’t

you were currently in his bed, waiting for him while he showered

bokuto had graduated just today and you were gonna miss him so much :((

while you were thinking about bokuto, you didn’t realize that he had already exited the bathroom, sHIRTLESS

his grey sweatpants were hanging low on his hips, giving you a show of his v-line and delicious looking abs

wow

he turned to you and gave you a heartwarming smile

unfAir

he was too cute for his own good

“kouuuu come lay with me”

he dried his hair a little bit more before hanging the towel back into the washroom, then made his way to your spread out figure on his bed

he crawled on top of you and wrapped his arms around your waist while his head rested on your chest

your hands automatically made their way to bokuto’s head, massaging his salt n pepper locks just the way he liked it

he looked too pure right now

“kou?” “mm?” hummed bokuto

“i’m gonna miss you. so so much.” you forced out, feeling your tears starting to drip down your cheeks

bokuto immediately noticed the quiver in your voice and looked up, only to see his precious girl crying

“oh no bAby please don’t cry, please don’t cry i’m so sorry pretty girl come here” he cooed as he sat up and scooped you up into his arms, sticking you back in forth as you buried your face in his neck

but this only made you sob harder

“whyre you crying pretty girl? i’m not leaving tokyo, and i’m still gonna live here. you’re still gonna see me” he reasoned

he didn’t gEt it

he was going to go to a different school, meaning he wasn’t going to be with you all the time

and going to a new school means meeting other people

what if he meets someone and falls in love with them

and what if he just leaves you behind

you wouldn’t know how to deal with all that pain if that ever happened

you knew that bokuto was a busy man but you weren’t ready for him to leave you completely

like yeah you coUld come to his house to see him but you wouldn’t want to distract him from doing work or anything

you just weren’t read to let your kou go and that was okay

“i-i don’t want to be left behind” you sniffled

instead of comforting you even more, bokuto just tightened his hold on you and started laughing, letting you head the deep timbre of his voice

his laugh was so cute

“what do you mean pretty? im not going anywhere so how can i leave you?”

gOSH

did u rEALLY have to spell it out

bokuto looked at you expectantly as he lifted your chin to make you face him

you shifted your gaze to the suddenly interesting pillow at the foot of bokuto’s bed

“i’m scared that you’ll find someone better than me” bokuto’s eyebrows shot up in surprise and opened his mouth as he was about to interject-“i’m not the prettiest, or the smartest, or the coolest or the most athletic, but yet you chose me to be your best friend kou” you mumbled

all bokuto could do was watch as his love broke down in front of him, spewing all these lies about herself, degrading herself in front of him

honestly bokuto was pissed

who inserted all these negative thoughts into your pretty little head?

who made his special girl feel like she wasn’t enough for him, when it was him who didn’t deserve her?

she is kind, understanding, and loving. she is also vEry smart. which is why he couldn’t figure out why you thought you were less than what you were

he didn’t understand how you couldn’t see how wonderful you are

“i’m scared that you won’t return my feelings”

ah

there it was

bokuto pushed you by your shoulders, far enough to let you see his beautiful face, but not too far to the point where it seems like he’s doing it out of disgust

“oh y/n. my sweet girl, my special girl, you have absolutely nothing to worry about! y/n, i’m in love with you, i’ve been in love with you since you were a second-year. and i never doubted oNce that you were the one for me.” he stroked your cheek

“im so sorry if i didn’t reassure you, pretty. i just thought that you already knew these things. i’m kinda stupid, even for one of the top 5 aces in japan!!” he joked, causing you to let out a few giggles

you looked into his bright eyes, and cupped his soft, warm cheek, and slowly leaned towards his pink lips

“kOu!!! y/N!!! dinners ready!!”

goodamnit

you immediately placed your hands on his chest, planning to push him away and coax him to going down for dinner

until

he leans down and captures your lips with a heated kiss

your hands made their way into his still damp hair and tugged, making him groan into your mouth

your body involuntarily arched at his touch, letting you feel his bulge as he pressed into you

you started to rock your hips against his, wanting to feel the friction between your clothed groins

“k-kou— kou please‘ you whimpered into his mouth, not knowing what exactly you were begging him for

“shit babe i gotta stop or else i won’t be able to hold myself back,, and i want our first time to be special” he mumbled against your kiss bitten lips

gOsh

he was so cute :(( he wanted your guys’ first time to be special :((

mom :( i’m :( in :( love :(

“okay kou, lets go downstairs then” you suggested as you tried to push him off of you

“bUt pretty giRL—“ “no whining kou, lets go big boy, you must be hungry” you said as you finally got him off of you and sitting on the edge of his bed as you tried to pull his arm

“yeah i’m hungry just not for food tho” he mumbled lowly, not letting you catch it”

“what was that?” “nOTHING i’m starving haha let’s eat” “oh okay”

after the both of you made your way downstairs, bokuto i’d mom had immediately noticed your interlocked hands and started cheering

“I KNEW IT!! Y/N WAS GONNA BE OUR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW” she yelled in her husbands face as the both cheered while you and bokuto just stood there

“i’m so proud of you son, you finally grew a pair and asked her out after what? months and months of pining after her? ‘dAd how do i ask a pretty girl out?’ and ‘daD she’s so beautiFul i feel like i’m gonna pEe myseLf’”

“dAAD STOP EMBARRASSING ME”

any time spent with bokuto was never boring

after that day, bokuto had taken you on several dates, until he formally asked you out

and he was the best boyfriend you could ever ask for

he always had snacks ready

he always made sure to text you and call you to tell you whenever he was busy so that you wouldn’t worry

he always made you one of his top priorities which felt nice

and bokuto just gives you so much love

but one thing is that,,, bokuto is very jealous

he would get all mopey and dejected whenever a guy or girl would come up to you and ask you for your number, or if you wanted to hang out with them sometime

obviously you declined, informing them that you had a boyfriend

but the fact that people still wouldn’t leave you alone pissed him off to no end

he voiced his thoughts to kuroo, who just thought that he was being stupid

there was no way you are gonna leave him for anyone else

bokuto was stupid to not see how utterly and completely in love you were with him

all you had in your heart was bokuto and nobody else was needed

but there was this one incident, where someone had groped you in public, right in front of him

and he went ballistic

if it wasn’t for his friends and you who held him back, he would’ve certainly gotten arrested for assault

even though it would’ve been fair

sexual assault is a big no no

after that day, you made sure that whenever you sensed bokuto feeling down or jealous, you would insure him that he was the only one and will only be the only one

which usually got him feeling better in a span of 2 minutes

when bokuto had gotten into the MSBY Black Jackals, you were so proud of him

you were happy that he was able to do what he loved and made it into his career

he was really an excellent volleyball player

you would try your best to make it to all of his games and he honestly really appreciated it

he was so thankful for you for being as loving and supporting as you were to him, he honestly didn’t think that he deserved you

but let’s be honest

bokuto deserves the world

meeting some of his teammates for the first time was hEctic

they had all come over for a small get together at yours and bokuto’s condo

hinata wa stour favourite, just because he was cute and you saw how much he admired bokuto

and sakusa was very nice?? surprisingly you got along with him just fine?? which surprised everybody else

but miya atsumu

whew

this boy was something else

you lOved him!! honestly!!!

but he was just a little shit sometimes it made you want to rip out your large intestine and eat it

he would sometimes crash at your shared condo with bokuto, after a night of drinking with their team

and he’d let you clean up after him AND your boyfriend, as they were both drunk out of their minds

there was one night where you had to sleep in the guest bedroom because koutaro and atsumu had fallen asleep in your bed

while cuddling each other

wow

but all in all he was a great guy, and someone you loved as your brother

sometimes

phew

the first time you had sex with bokuto

you were afraid

bc of the fact that you were a virgin n it was your first time

but luckily it was kou’s first time too!!

which put you at ease a little

but you were still afraid that you might not be able to satisfy him?? like what if he says that it doesn’t feel good?? or if he says that you sucked at sucking dick??

that would be so sad

so you did what you had to do

you contacted all your female friends and asked them to teach you how to uh sex

which was a very awkward conversation between your friend group, since most of them were virgins too

they suggested to take it slow and not spring it on him all at once, especially since most days he’d be too tired from practice

so after practice, you made your move

bokuto had just gotten home and had gone straight into the shower after giving you a little peck while you were cooking in the kitchen

you decided that you were going to let him eat to gain some strength before you sucked him dry

after his shower, he excited the room with black sweatpants hanging low on his hips

kinda like deja vu

this was a scene that would never get old

you say him down and fed him, knowing that he liked being babied on some days

and you honestly didn’t mind, you liked taking care of your boyfriend

he was just too cute

after dinner, you washed the dishes and pushed him on your shared bed, face first

you sat on his bum and started lather his back with lavender oil, knowing that he loved the smell and how warm it made his back feel

you started to massage his back, slowly starting to press your thumbs into the knots in his back, making him groan at the feeling

it went like that for at least 45 minutes, you finished up after tending to each knot in his back, making you feel very accomplished

you flipped him over, only to see his blissed out face. his eyelids were drooping and he had a little dopey smile on his face

you put your hands on his chest and slowly made your way down until they reached the hem of his sweats, which you slowly pulled down

releasing his semi hard cock from its confinements

you felt yourself start to drool at the thought of gagging and slobbering all over his fat cock

he was barely conscious until you licked a fat strip from the base to the tip

which woke him up pretty well

“s-shit babe“

his large calloused hands tangled themselves into your hair and started slowly pushing your head back onto his awaiting dick

which you gladly took into your mouth

he stared with a slow place as you caressed his cock with your warm tongue as he pushed your head down, and suckled on his tip when he pulled back

you loved the feeling of his fat cock going down your tight throat

the feeling of your drool and his precum mixing made you clench your thighs, which didn’t go unnoticed by your boyfriend

“fuck, thats it pretty girl, take it down your throat. you’re such a good girl. baby’s gonna take my load right? you’re gonna be a good girl and swallow it all for me right?” he teased as he pulled you off of his dick

you coughed and nodded your head, moving your face near his crotch again, wanting to keep it in your mouth

he chuckled at the desperate look you had given him when he didn’t give you what you wanted

luckily, you had only been wearing your panties and one of bokuto’s oversized shirts

you loved wearing his clothing especially because you liked having yourself covered in his scent

he just smelled so nice

he pulled you up and pushed your hips to turn you around

which made your hips over over his awaiting mouth while your were faced with his dripping cock

you started to slowly give the head kitten licks, until those licks turned into long and hard sucks

he pushed your panties to the side and grabbed your hips, pushing your pussy into his waiting mouth

his tongue was relentless

alternating from roughly licking your clit to dipping his tongue in your slit, moving his tongue with vigour

his manhandling had made you work even harder, getting him closer to his euphoria

cuz you are the cause of bo’s euphoria🥺

yEah yEAh yEah yEah yEah yeAhhhh

anyways

once hit started to stroke your clit with his thumb

it was over.

you were done and creaming on his face while bokuto was releasing on your face as well

shiT

bokuto really do be hitting different

he gently pushed your body off of his and reached for a towel, gently wiping your face while whispering apologies

after he was done he gently kissed your lips and got on top of you once more, using both his hands to spread your legs to reveal your glistening slit

(psa sex isn’t really like this irl LOL i’m exaggerating it,, but if u find someone who cares enough about u then it might just be like how i describe it👁👄👁 my first time having sex was with a skinny weeb gamer boy who sold marijuana to the crazy people downtown so,,)

anyways

bokuto shoved two meaty fingers into your hole, spreading you out even more and scissoring you

making you arch your back off of the bed

shit bokuto felt like he was about to bust just looking at you

“i’m gonna make you feel so good pretty girl, you won’t even remember anything but my name.”

👁👄👁 ok den

one thing bokuto loved to do was go on late night drives with you??

it was surprising that bokuto had a license in the first place but after he had graduated you had forced him to get one, because obviously it was necessary smh

he had taken you to your guys’ favourite spot 

which was just on top of a hill that had a beautiful view of all the city lights 

his car always had extra pillows and blankets just in case you guys had a last minute trip to your spot

he immediately set up the pillows in the trunk and beckoned you to come over and sit next to him 

““i love being here with you kou, it’s like just yesterday i was still tackling you in the convenience market for the last onigiri” you reminisced 

he laughed and buried his nose into your hair, loving the smell of your fragrant shampoo

his large hands rubbed your sides, making you snuggle into his side even more than you were 

he was just so warm  and cuddly 

it was hard not to just bury yourself in him 

“i love you y/n. you know i’d give you the world if i could right?” ““i know kou, i love you too. you don’t need to give me the world because i have you, you are my world”

damn 

you never failed to fluster him, after years of being with each other 

you were so in love with this boy 

all you knew was bokuto 

he was your first everything, and hopefully your last 

he slipped out of your hold and stood up, admiring the view of the city as he walked a little, until he suddenly turned to face a confused you 

like y was he suddenly standing up 

until he wasn’t 

this was bokuto koutaro, the love of your life, down on one knee, as he held a white velvet box, which contained the prettiest diamond ring you could ever get 

you immediately felt tears starting to stream down your face, even though he hasn’t said anything yet 

“y/n,, i’m so in love with you. i don’t wanna be with anyone else but you. you give me happiness, love, faith, and courage. i want to be by your side until we grow old together. i have loved you since you tried to choke the shit outta me in that convenience store. you loved me at my worst, and my best, you are the cause of all good things in my life. you are the cause of my euphoria. no, you are my euphoria. pretty girl,, will you continue being my euphoria?”

you couldn’t help yourself as you jumped into his arms and started peppering kisses around his face while mumbling yes with each kiss 

he took your hand and gently slid the ring on your finger 

now he could show people that you were his, as he was yours

“i love you kou”

““i love you more, pretty girl” he mumbled as he kissed the top of your head 

“kou,,” “mm?” 

“i’m pregnant”

“wha”

#haikyuu!! #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu smut #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu angst #bokutou x reader #bokutou koutarou #volleyball #volleygays #haikyuu headcanons

[fandoms-keep-me-alive]

Guys, I need Help. This is a convo between me and my boyfriend. after this, there was a phone call but I don't have the energy to add those details yet, but I need yall's opinion.

Its gonna be kinda long just warning you

Joseph, you are:

Kind

Always there to help others even at your own expense, considers it your calling in life.

Considerate

Favorite color is blue

From Texas

Understand the value of hard work

Have a near photographic memory

Curious

Seek out truth wherever you can find it

Good with kids

Creative

Thoughtful

Attentive

Open minded

Sarcastic

Dark humor

Supportive

Have thought provoking conversations/ideas

Make me feel wanted

Takes your hat with you everywhere

Are a little self conscious about your hair, but it's cute and wavy and fluffy and soft with a tinge of Chestnut red

Have an amazing beard

Culinary curious

Strong

Healthy

Squishy

Courteous

Understanding

Respectful

Gentle

Loving

Nerd

Inquisitive

Humble

Needs hugs

Deserves love

Have so much potential

Are an animal lover

Carnivore

Saved my Life at least once

And I love you for all of it.

After I sent that to him this is the conversation that followed 6/7/19:

SinToday at 5:27 AM

Thats really sweet emilie

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:28 AM

I'm glad you like it

SinToday at 5:33 AM

... Tbh every nice thing you say makes it harder for when you leave on mission

X.x

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:33 AM

I'm sorry

SinToday at 5:33 AM

... No you aren't

Sorry not sorry

Lol

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:34 AM

I'm sorry that I'm making it hard for you

SinToday at 5:34 AM

Oh.. Well its more im making it hard on myself

Im still finding it really hard to emotionally attach

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:35 AM

If it's make it easier I can try to dial it back some

SinToday at 5:35 AM

Because you know

The whole.. Away for a year and change.

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:36 AM

I know I'm sorry

SinToday at 5:37 AM

Like.. I care and really do enjoy being with you, but... Pardon the extremely dark analogy.. But its like dating someone with the knowledge they wont be there in a few months due to a illness.

But you aren't ill and its not like you won't be around

....idk

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:39 AM

I get it, it's painful

SinToday at 5:39 AM

It keeps me up at night. Worrying that we both will be hurt by this more severely if we keep on

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:39 AM

I'm sorry

SinToday at 5:39 AM

Its not your fault

You've done nothing but be an amazing girlfriend

Meanwhile I've been nothing short of distant, cold, and a total jerk

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:40 AM

No sweetheart

SinToday at 5:42 AM

I mean yes.. I have been. Its not fair to you and you deserve someone who is within your faith. Who can treat you like you deserve to be, and is perfect in all regards

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:44 AM

First off I learned a long time ago that the perfect person doesn't exist second you've treated me wonderfully and you've just been doing what you can to keep yourself afloat which is more than I can say for myself

SinToday at 5:46 AM

Idk.. I think that the whole me being your boyfriend thing... While its nice.. And wonderful.. And i absolutely enjoy it.. Idk i just dont think it was wise of us to do it knowing that you'd only be here for 3 more months. Much less the fact that your feelings have only grown

-_-

I am hating myself for not being stronger.

I just DO NOT want to ever cause you so much pain that you'd end up hurt, devastated, and unable to fulfil the role of your faith that you were sent to do

And yet, im aware of my own flaws and self enough to know that one day i might do that. And you dont deserve that.

hugs you tightly

Im sorry for being a wreck

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:52 AM

It's ok sweetie so am I

I just....

SinToday at 5:53 AM

Blehh... Ik this wasnt exactly the greatest time.. I was just suffering without saying anything and that super sweet and kind gesture kinda broke the dam

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:53 AM

I understand

It's just, dating you has made me happier then I've been in a long time and I don't want it to stop any sooner then it has to.

I'm so sorry I've put you through this much termoil

SinToday at 5:55 AM

I know this is true.

And truly it has helped me realize my own self worth, and you have taught me and continue to teach me every day as to how to be a better person

Do not misunderstand the value you hold with me. You are truly a wonderful person and a treasure this world should have... But after being with you, knowing the love you can show, the blessings you bring to everyone around you, the kindness and gentleness of your heart... I would rather it end sooner rather than later so as to save you any excess grief while out on mission... That mission is truly important, to you, your faith, your family, and to higher powers. While what we share is wonderful.. And what we offer eachother is wholesome.. Ive asked for guidance... And the answer in my eyes was clear enough for me to reach a decision... While i care perhaps too deeply for you, i believe we shouldnt draw out what we have until the last minute...

For both your sake.. And for my own conscience/feelings.

That said...

I want to know your thoughts...

i want you to know these are my feelings laid bare. Ive thought long and hard regarding it.. And its unfair to you for me to be selfish and attempt to keep you for as long as possible, even if we both wish to be selfish

And im not yet breaking up with you

I just wanted my feelings, thoughts, what guidance I've been given, to be shared with you. As you 100% deserve to know

Secondly. Ill never text breakup with anyone

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 6:08 AM

Heh... Can I call?

SinToday at 6:08 AM

Yes.. Itll be loud

#fluff #angst #hurt comfort #comfort #hurt #imagine your otp #I need hugs #i need help #i need relationship advice

[the209social]

The Question Game

I just want to thank those that sent in a questions to make this blog possible. Also the advice given is not professional (I’m not a licensed therapist), but the advise comes from the experiences that i have lived. So take the advice at your own risk.

1. Are the stories on your tumblr all real?

Good question my dear friend. All the stories on my tumblr are 100% real and expressed in the way that i lived them. So they are from my point of view and how i felt while i was in these relationship. Out of respect i tend to change the names of certain people i write about just to protect their privacy. 

2. I’ve been in a friends with benefit relationship for about 2 years now and i have feelings for the guy. He knows i like him and how i feel for him, yet he does not care and tends to flirt with other girls when we go out. Do you think my relationship will ever evolve into something more? Or should i stop fucking with this dude and friend zone him?

First of all this guy knows you like him so it’s apparent that he doesn’t care about how you feel. We have to learn how to love ourselves (not saying that you don’t love yourself). We can’t base our happiness on the illusion that the person we like will change how they feel just because they know we have strong feeling for them. This was something i had to learn how to accept. Sometimes we like someone so much that we are willing to let them treat us like trash. Why do we insist on trying to have a relationship with someone who does not love us in return? You may have strong feelings for this man, but maybe it’s time to sit down and evaluate how much time you’ve invested into him and if you really want that to be treated like a second option. 

3. I love your stories about Romeo. When i read them you can tell that you were very much in love with him and it comes across in the way you express yourself about him in your writing. Do you still love him?

This is a hard question to answer. I don’t believe you stop loving someone, otherwise it wasn’t love to begin with. Love sometimes transforms into a different feeling. When once it hurt to think of him, now it’s a sweet memory. I will always love Romeo, lets make that clear, but it’s useless trying to hold on to something that Romeo never felt in the first place. Love has to be transmitted both ways for it to work and be magical. 

4. I like this girl but i’m afraid of asking her out. We have an amazing friendship but i would like to take it to the next level. What should i do?

Well i’ve always been a believer that life should be lived to the fullest and never live with regrets or go home with the “what if’s”. If you really like this girl take the time to plan something sweet and make sure you ask her out in private so she doesn’t feel pressured to give you an answer she might regret. You also have to take into consideration that things might not go as planned and she might not want to be in a relationship. There is good and bad in everything we do. Some outcomes might not go as planned but we need to be prepared to live with what may come. At least you’ll never wonder “what if.”

5. I hate sucking dick, but my man loves getting head. Im afraid that he’ll end up looking for it somewhere else. What can i do?

I’m so dead right now...lol... Omg i cant relate because i love sucking dick, so i never have this problem with the guys i’m with. It all depends on the guy and how he feels for you. Some guys are very faithful. Never the less you should give him some bomb ass head every once in a while. Love your man before someone else does.

6. Do you always swallow when giving head?

Hell no! Disclaimer i have only swallowed one guy every time i gave him head and thats Romeo. I honestly enjoyed the way he tasted, or maybe i was just so in love. Yet with all other guys i will blow them till they bust so they can have their full orgasm, but i will not swallow because i feel like that is something very intimate. To be honest some guys have the worst diets, so their cum tastes super salty and it’s not pleasant to eat.

7. Your self esteem inspires me so much, but i feel like i lack any. Every time i see you, you’re surrounded by people who are drawn to you. What can i do to feel more confident.

Ever since i was a child my mom would take me to events, social gatherings, and parties. She would force me to socialize with strangers. I also danced with a Mexican Ballet for 13 plus years and sang with a church group so i believe that confidence is something that is built with time and self esteem comes along with it. I just happened to be around the correct conditions to make it possible. Maybe you need to take more risks and go out, make new friends and create an alter ego. Don’t be scared to be yourself or be the first to start a conversation. 

8. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 4 years now. How much longer should i wait until we marry or i move on?

This is a good question. I personally believe that after two years with someone you already know if you’re ready to take the next step. Maybe not marriage right away but, moving in together to get the feel of how things will be and getting engaged to assure that marriage is part of the overall plan. You need to sit down with your man and have that “where do we go next” talk.

9. What do you look for in a guy?

I would love for my next relationship to be my last and be able to claim “happily ever after.” The next man to come into my life, i want him to be prepared or willing to grow as an individual and a couple. I don’t want to be with a man that is satisfied with where he is in life. I want us to grow together, too push each other and achieve great things. I want him to be taller than me, romantic, someone who pays attention to details, a hard worker. A man that wants to have a family. Someone who gets along with my parents, makes me laugh, loves to eat and try new food, travel, speaks Spanish, and above all be an honest and faithful man.

10. You’re always with some hot guy. How do you always pull such fine ass guys?

I don’t consider myself to be sexy, but i must be doing something right because so far all the guys i’ve dated or hooked up with have all been very good looking. Of course some more than others but none the less they’ve all had their qualities that made them special. 

11. What are your top 10 favorite song that mean a lot to you and why?

This is a hard question to answer because i associate music to moments and people that have caused an impact in my life. I have so many song that remind me of so many different people when i hear them, or transport me back to a specific memory and time in my life. Here are just a couple:

U2 “With or Without you” reminds me of all my moments with Christian Valaria from my short blog “Karma is a Bitch.” Also The Red Hot Chili Peppers “Give It Away,” because he would always sing that song to me when we were driving around town. Christian introduced me to rock music and how to appreciate it. 

Juan Gabriel “Hasta Que Te Conosi,” reminds me of Julian from my “Ten Years Older” blog. I would cry at night because for a moment in time it felt like what we had was out of reach. Also when we ended everything i realized that through him i had learned to grow and love, yet because of this relationship i also learned what heart break really felt like for the first time.

For the last 3 almost 4 years there have been many songs that remind me of Romeo from several of my blogs. I guess the one that most stand out and it makes no sense to me is by Swedish House Mafia (feat. John Martin) “Don’t You Worry Child,” i remember telling him once that the song automatically made me think of him. He asked me why but i just said i didn’t know why. I lied... Romeo once told me about a memory that he had of his dad when he was a child and how it had caused him to cry. That day he grew up and told himself he would never cry again. At the begging of the song the lyrics say “there was a time i use to look into my fathers eyes...” I guess i just associated those specific lyrics with Romeo and it use to make me so sad that i would always change the radio when i heard it. Now i dance to it, but i still think of him every time it plays through my playlist, on the radio or in the club. Another song that makes me think of him is by Juan Gabriel “La Diferencia,” this song use to make me cry every time i heard it, specially when he would sing it because it describes what we had perfectly. Rocio Durcal “Costumbres,” also reminds me of him because one morning as i cooked for him he grabbed my dads guitar and we sang it together in the kitchen and that was a special moment for me. Carla Morrison’s song “Dejame llorar,” was a song that i discovered long after me and Romeo had ended everything but the first time i heard it i cried harder than i ever had because it reminded me of so much and how broken i was at the time. The band Zoe “Luna” is one song, that for the love of me, i don’t know why i associate it with him but i just do. The one song that fills me with lots of sadness is from Carla Morrison, “Disfruto.” When it plays it reminds me of every single moment i spent with Romeo, this song really affects me. I get these flashbacks in my head of the moments Romeo made me very happy and i fill up with emotions and i get a lump in my throat. At the same time this song brings to mind the future that could of been but probably wont. There are many more songs but those are some of the most important ones for him. 

I have a friend named Melissa Torres and that bitch takes forever to get ready and the song by Jbalvin and Jowell & Randy (remix) “Bonita” reminds me of her. It says at the beginning of the song “ella se tarda arreglandose un par de horas,” and it makes me think of her. Dumb ho, but i love her so much. Also the song “Taste” by Tyga because i just die of laughter how excited Meli gets every time that song comes on and she throws one had up in the air and does a little twerk. lol. Like a kid in a candy store.

Any song from Banda MS reminds me of my good friend Nashma Robles. She’s the sone that re-introduced me to Mexican music. Before her i didn’t really listen to Banda music. Then i started hanging around her friends and they all listened to it and it became part of my life. So glad it did. I was missing out on good music.

12. Are you talking to someone and if so who? 

I don’t consider myself to be exclusive but i am currently in a very steamy sexual “fling” with a guy thats 16 years younger than me. Im going to be very clear. No, I’m not his sugar daddy, but sex is so amazing and Yes, he is the most fucken gorgeous man that i had ever hooked up with. I hit the lotto with this guy. No i don’t want to date him or have some type of romantic involvement because he is totally not boyfriend material, just good sex material. Plus i’m not trying to baby sit and teach a 20 year old how to grow up and be a man.

13. Favorite restaurant and food?

I love Italian food! Specifically from Macaroni Grill. I also love Lamb, and i like how they prepare it at Papapavlo’s. The Lamb Chops with a red glass of wine they serve there are exquisite and it takes a very refine palate to enjoy lamb.  

14. Who’s your best friend?

Well the day i met Miguel Naranjo he said “we are going to be best friends.” He’s kept his word until recently when he went MIA on me. He has really been there for me the past couple of years. He filled a void that i did not know how to fill. He help me through some rough times. Yet, if i may be honest, i’ve had one friend that has been there for me more than anyone else and thats Cristina Oceguera. We have laughed together, cried together and have given each other a shoulder to cry on when times are rough and dark. I’ve confided in Cristina sine day one. She’s a beautiful person, in and out. She truly cares and wants to help as much as she can. I’ve trusted her with all my secrets, there is nothing that i really keep from her. I’m thankful that i have such an amazing person in my life. She truly is the definition of a best friend. Thank you Tina, I love you very much. 

15. Favorite movie or movies?

Well i’m a big movie fanatic and just like music i associate movies to events and memories in life. I’ll just list the movies i love very much. Some i like because the movie is amazing and others because i was able to share them with someone that meant a lot to me. Here we go and in no particular order of importance.

Call My By Your Name, Cruel Intentions, Titanic, The Gladiator, *Take Me Home Tonight, Sixteen Candles, Pretty In Pink, Ferris Bueller’s Day off, The Breakfast Club, God’s Own Country, Jaws, Esteros, Those people, Chappie, The Fifth Element, Guzaarish, Holding The Man, Jawbreaker, Mean Girls, GBF, Milk, David’s Birthday, Passengers, Clueless, All of the Avenger movies, Hazlo Como Hombre, Ronaldo, All the Alien Movies, Prometheus, Almost all the Disney cartoons, The Matrix (all of them), Lord of the rings, The Ring, Nightmare On Elm Street, Halloween (all of them), IT, A Little Princess, The Secret Garden, The Duchess, Romeo and Juliet (with Leonardo DiCaprio), Atonement, Stranger By The Lake, Free Fall, Eastern Boys, Dirty Dancing, Ghost, Scream (all of them), 10 things i hate about you, She’s all that, American Pie (all of them), Varsity Blues, American Beauty, The Craft, Drive Me Crazy, I Know What You Did Last Summer (all of them), Encino Man, Edge of Seventeen, Heathers, Superbad, The Exorcist, Roma... and just so many more. (all the ones in bold you can find on Netflix.) You’re welcome! lol

16. Favorite series to binge watch?

Grey’s Anatomy, The House of Flowers, Stranger Things, American Horror Story, Lost in Space, Cable Girls, The 100, Riverdale, Pretty Little Liars, 13 Reasons Why, Boys Over Flowers, The Haunting of Hill House, Meteor Garden, Mars, Elite, Versace, Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, The People vs. OJ Simpson. (all on Netflix) You’re welcome!

17. If you could travel anywhere in the world where would it be?

I believe we all have this fantasy of getting to know certain places and regions around the world and there is nothing wrong with that. For the last couple of years i’ve had the pleasure to live in Mexico for 2 months out of each year. I could have traveled through Europe, gone to Dubai, Japan, or Asia. Instead i decided to travel around Mexico. Each year that i’m there i go to different states and towns. I try the food and talk to the people. Why? Because this is where i was born and where my roots lay. How embarrassing it would be for me to travel through Europe and not know anything about my home country or go to Dubai but never gone to Mexico City, Morelia, Veracruz, the Mexican Riviera, or seen the majestic pyramids of Teotihuacan. I personally want to really explore where i come from. Once i’ve done this i can go off to see the rest of the world. This will make me appreciate where i’m from much more. I’ve traveled throughout the United States. I’ve been to many different states, so i’m not worried about getting to know my country of citizenship, but i don’t really know my home country and it would be a disgrace on my part to try and go and explore another country but be lost in my own.

18. Do you have any regrets?

Nope... next

19. What is your next big adventure?

Well i leave for Mexico in June and want to get 4 or 5 small tattoos while i’m there this summer.

20. If you could give the most valuable piece of advise, what would it be?

Love life and those in your life. Say “i love you,” and mean it, don’t be afraid to express your feeling to anyone because the day will come when you wont be able to. Watch as many sunrises and sunsets as possible, just make sure you watch some of those alone to get a better perspective on life. Wish upon a star but never wish anything ill to anyone. Love like it will be the last time you’ll be able to share those feeling with someone, but don’t underestimate your worth when loving them. Laugh because it’s good for the soul, and cry because it’s also good for the soul. Let your toes touch the sand and the waves cover your feet and let go of what bothers you. Don’t stress over the things you can’t change, and change the things you can. Meditate or pray, depending of what you believe because it heals, even when you feel everything is broken. Listen to the rain, thats the universe speaking to you. All in all, make life count. Don’t be afraid to feel new things, start new relationships and end old ones, or begin and end chapters in life. We only have one short life. Don’t waste it.

#questions #20 questions #ask me anything #enjoy #about me

[unproduciblesmackdown]

tfw hating life enough for a reeadmooore

‪yesterday afternoon i’d blocked out 3 pgs in my sketchbook & by that night i was thinking like well i’m so close to finished the sketchbook finally (ive been using it about a yr and a half by now) that i could just stop drawing when i hit the end there‬

but i’d mentioned the impending end of my sketchbook space a friend is already in the process of sending over some they havent ever used so that will at least mean if i stop drawing it’ll just have to be because i want to lol

like in this case it’s special b/c of course i’ve had periods where i’m like smh what if i just don’t draw anymore, but that’s tended to be about being frustrated w some element or other of it all. this time it was mostly just that every day of my life i have a tiny bit less motivation or energy or etc. yesterday i was thinking all day about offing myself, which i’d done the day before, and done today too

like, it’s nothing new, i’ve been hating being alive and wanting to kms and only moving in the direction of less disappointment to more disappointment and having to care less about things i previously cared about because for one reason or another things get to a point where it only adds frustration to my life anymore

but despite depression and wanting to die and life being miserble all being Not New, that doesn’t mean that it doesnt matter anymore, because after day after day after day after day after day of it for years and years, you’re in a worse place than you were a while back, even if you do feel the same. even a single day of wishing you were dead the whole time is shitty enough. feeling overall like even if you’re in a good mood now, you know your life is trash and you’re going to go back to feeling bad soon, is also shitty enough

like the thing that drawing had going for me is that, like reading and writing sometimes and even some other shit, it’s something i like to do. i do it for myself, really. but it helps that its the way i trick ppl into being here in the first place to see anything i’m talking about. i have really crap appeal. i mean i’m bad at being appealing thru shit i draw, but it’s still way more of something anybody wants vs like five yrs worth of my text posts. like...i have over 10x more followers than i did on a blog where i rarely drew anything ever

but anyways despite me drawing b/c i enjoy it, i enjoy enjoying things less. always in the middle of that “loss of interest in pleasure” life lol.......it doesn’t really matter how long i do or don’t keep drawing, b/c i mean, it doesn’t much matter to me whether i’m having fun or not. i can be enjoying drawing and still wanting to die, because that’s whats happening lol.....nothing that’s a personal factor of my life is all that important to me, because my personal existence is not that important to the person living it

also it sure hasnt helped that my sense of things like whether my life can get better or i’ll have the opportunity to pursue my nonexistent dreams or live an ideal version of my life that also doesn’t exist are all at all-time lows and only just getting lower day by week by month by year. the only way i can even look at cheering myself up is from a day-to-day perspective. and i can have a slightly more fun day than usual and then be extra down on the very next day b/c of how being a bit less numb means you’re crap-feeling emotions are now game too. and i’m very aware of how, if you’re not in a position that insulates you enough, if things get worse for you, that makes “things getting worse for you” more likely, and it’s an exponential drop that gets harder and harder to climb out of, and even if you move back up a notch out of good luck, you’re still just as likely to be knocked back down to where you were. the odds of me suddenly not only not fucking hating being alive but also having a life that doesnt fucking make me hate being alive? that’s a funny joke

‪also it’s frustrating that whether i feel good or miserable on any given day only really exists if i say something about it in a post like this lol... like i might feel awful one day but if i dont have it in me to spend ages writing about it, which is difficult also b/c putting feelings into words where ppl will only fully Get It if they’ve felt that way too, anyways if i dont write about how shitty i feel and post it then maybe later on when i’m feeling a little better or feeling a different kind of shitty, i also won’t be interested in being like “oh btw i felt awful the other day.” and if i don’t mention it, as far as everyone in the world knows, it was never a thing that happened, so it might as well not have. i mean, as a person i might as well not be happening, especially since i don’t want me to be happening lol‬

and like i was saying to someone the other day, its a lot harder via text to talk about shit b/c like, if you’re with a friend in person, you can talk abt boring or silly things and its easy and makes a good conversation. whereas talking via twitter means it would be clunky and time consuming to layout exactly had empty and depressing my existence is, and silly shit isn’t even worth the energy when you’re having a convo w lengthy gaps in it, so you can only really talk about the broadest, most interesting shit. which i don’t have much of, oh well

i do like talking and talking to people actually, it’s just rough when it’s all a few ppl online, even though i alsp extremely appreciate those people and enjoy the talking. it’s like, chatting to ppl online is like a piece of chocolate cake. it’s delicious and you love it, but it would be amazing if it was the extra bonus on top of getting solid meals every day, instead of it being the only thing you have to eat and you get it maybe once or twice a week and it’s still wonderful and is all the more valuable for it, but it isnt the same as getting enough to eat always, or Knowing you’ll keep getting enough to eat

anyways my social life is always its own special kind of depressing, even when i AM in the same place as friends. you’d have a hard time finding a situation where the concept of What I Have To Say seems interesting or even relevant to other ppl. and im not sure i’ve ever been in groups where i feel totally comfortable with everyone there and don’t feel out of place. so talking about the idea of knowing you always have access to someone to talk to or be with in person or having friends who you know you can hang out with and they actually like you and you still expect to have them a few yrs down the road—all that’s always been a “well, in theory i mean” or “at least, i imagine it would be like that” issue for me

tbh i generally feel the most comfortable enjoying myself when i do something alone; maybe it’s because i have more experience of ppl im around treating me really shittily than treating me well

ohhhhhh wellllllllllllllll what else do i have to talk about. hmmm the fact that feeling like i wanna die only seems to be regarded as an issue of “well are you gonna or not,” aka if you havent its a Victory and a happy situation instead of it being a matter of EVERY DAY I’M A CONSCIOUS ORGANISM I WISH I WAS DEAD AND MY EXISTENCE HAS BEEN HEADED IN THAT DIRECTION FOR AT LEAST THE LAST HALF OF IT

like how heartwarming that i’ve been actively suicidal for how many years? 6? 8? but i havent yet!! i always want to but just never get around to it and so this time for sure lol no more fooling around!! oh dammit and there goes another birthday still alive. like this is some elusive new years resolution or novel i mean to write.

funny i mention it because there’s practically nothing anymore that i want to do. even if i THOUGHT my life would ever become okay, i want fuckall out of it. i only exist, baby............and it’s like i said earlier, whenever i try to come up with a sad amount of potential motivations NOT to die, i have to realize that none of the shit is actually for me, or directly about me, or centered on me. like, this shit lost its charm ages ago.

well anyways. i suppose thats all i can think to say now. and it doesn’t make a difference whether i talk about my shitass existence and how crap i feel or not. it just gives the chance for a bit of it to exist in the world via a few other ppl being aware of it for a few minutes maybe, because who DOESNT want to thoroughly read a shit essay by some random weirdo about how everything sucks. the end

#i was innovative and typed this in twitter dark mode so my phone could have a break from me embedding the keyboard in the screen #anyways i wanna dye 😂😂😂

[manuskrip]

Goodbye Asian Beauty Standards

I was born in a region where their people’s beauty standard is everything i’m not and where physical does matters. and the fact that i’ve never been successful in my own love life. 

My first ex boyfriend cheated on me and my first love treated me like a shit. And this of course the start of how my insecurities and super low self esteem came out. As a girl, it is not so easy for us to accept and realize and be grateful with the beauty we have in our body when….

when you were born in Asia.

When you were born there, all the things you could probably think about soon as you’re a teenager is how to look (at least) okay everytime-everywhere start from the head to toe. But as i grew up, i realized, that I was probably raised in a very wrong state of mind. That beautiful is expensive. that beautiful is white skin, thin lips, slim body, and make up. It’s not a big thing if you can find “beauty skin care’ everywhere on the streets in Asia, let’s say, in my country, Indonesia. It’s crazy to see how it is in Korea where people are allowed to have plastic surgery here, plastic surgery there. slimming pills are made and even worst there are some people who’s trying to be an anorexic because they wanted to look like barbies. Vegan is more like a trend, and fake face in filters are bombing social media.

meanwhile… there’s thousand people who were born unluckily under the standards they saw on the TV. but hell, if we think about it, is it really about people who were born unlucky because they don’t fit the standards or because they were born around judgmental asshole’s circumstances?

so lemme tell you one story.

I am 21 years old girl who has a tanned or let say sun-kissed that’s not so respectable in Asia. My lips are thick (maybe not as sexy as Angelina Jolie’s) and has 2 colors (even worst). i don’t have slimmy-stick-anorexic-posture of body. i mean, with everything i had, im way too far to be able to be called “beauty” according to Asian beauty standards.

And my bad experiences with guys really convinced me how i feel like i don’t deserve being happy with just being myself. I feel like no one will look at me like i really am and will like me despite all of my physical appearance. 

When i was still in junior high school, a dad of a friend of mine even called me nisa monyet -- means nisa monkey. And sometimes people (few of them) made a joke about me because i was so brown. they called me “nisa hitam” = “nisa black” which kind of confusing since i’m not even black.

When i was in senior high school i had my (i guess) 17th birthday and i remember my close friends gave me a very big black doll. And they (auf jeden Fall) refer it to me cause i’m ‘black’ and fat. i accepted it of course, it was a gift, and it was the only way to be polite. but yeah it was kind of hurting. even if thats what they called joking.

When i was in studien-kolleg a friend of mine was drunk and all of sudden texted me calling me ‘nisa miskin’ = ‘nisa poor’. Poor like literally poor who doesn’t have money. Cause that’s how people in my country sees through their glasses, that poor people has black skin, that if you’re black or brown, you will be categorized as poor people that never taking care about themselves. So as we know, drunk people always talk what’s on his mind, so he might as well labelled me as one. since i was a kid, i’ve already been used to people who underestimated me. 

those people who says bad words to me might be just joking, but those people never know how such mean words could affect another people’s life.

The thing is, this whole time, i’ve never lived in a year where i will feel confident about myself. i did have a massive lack of confidence. For years, for more than 7 years i feel like i’m ugly. Isn’t it so pathetic?

I tried to, alright, accepting myself and i was for several years focusing on something else. Focusing on me and things that i like. ever since then, i started to close my self, and to close my feelings. i started not to care about everybody else who’s in the end will not going to appreciate me because, i dont know maybe they’re ashamed having me as girlfriend or whatever. I cut the words “boys” and “boyfriends” and “love life” from my dictionary. and i’m getting used to it. i’m getting used to be all by myself. And i’m ready to move, into another place, in a hope that people don’t see me only through their eyesight. 

and then i moved to Germany. first year was not as good as i thought it would be, but still, it was a lot more better. i don’t have to follow the beauty statement like in my home country. i can be the person i want to be, and no one cares about how i look like. and this way i feel grateful to finally be able to appreciate myself more, to appreciate the simplest things in life, appreciate my skin colour, my eyes, my hair, my capability to adapt, my capability to live alone, my money, water, foods, everything, even to appreciate my own flaws. i learned a lot of things i would probably wouldn’t care about when i just stayed in a cave where people throw me shits because of the things i couldn’t choose before i was born. 

but yeah many people think studying abroad is so easy and exciting and luxurious, and cool. but darling, life is sadly not like a movie. People see less about how it is to live abroad cause social media --Instagram-- shows them so much lies. but no i won’t talk about it now. i will elaborate more about this topic in another page. 

back to where we were before, so yeah i started to piece by piece building my own relationship here. which also makes me think about writing it down. Friends, relatives, and boys. 

with a less capability of speaking germans and culture shock of course its a hard thing to do. at first it didn’t really work out. dealing with your own norms that your parents have been taught you this whole 20 years and thinking about how to fit in. the first six month was okay, i was still trying something new, i was still feeling the euphoria living in a cool country. but i can say the next sixth months  after was the hardest time. i started to realize that i might be hated here. i closed my self even more. i mean i do have lots of friends but they’re all mostly just slightly/superficially know me. there’s still no one i’m comfortable to be my own self with. there’s still no one i would like to tell my both sad and happy stories. the study is getting harder, the weather is getting worse, the purse is getting slimmer. my life is like so monotone. going to the Uni everyday, studying at night, doing Lab twice a week, cleaning up my room, cooking, partying on the weekend. that’s all. there was no sparkle that at least lighting up my life. Besides, my family is so far away. So there’s nothing really made me feel happy. and i felt so empty. and then i started to think about boys.

surprisingly, i’ve been dating a few western here. or precisely, Germans. it was so various, i mean i met lots of guys with different backgrounds. i once dating an athlete who happened to be my own senior at the University, once dating a racist capitalist, once dating a nice innocent happy go lucky guy, once dating a broken yellow fever, once dating a rich business man with mercedes benz, etc etc. but it was all turn out just like a speck in the dust because once again, its really not so easy to find a person you can really get along with, when you live in a place where the people don’t speak your language, don’t do your culture, don’t understand your jokes, and don’t have the same experiences like how hard and struggle it is to live like this.

until i met this beautiful and stupidly smart master graduate french, who turned out to be my highlight of the year and to be a person who brought more lights in to my darkness. To be my current boyfriend. 

I don’t get what he sees in me. and i guess i never will. However, it’s the start of a better Nisa. I probably would never recognize it if my friends hadn’t tell me . She said that i’m now being more confident and comfortable about with self.

This might sounds so lame but for the first time in my life, i feel like i’m beautiful with all of the things he does. And i’ve never had such thing before because no one has ever made me feel like i do. He made my flaws seems like they’re not. He made me finally found out, that this whole time, my perspective was wrong, that i was being so ungrateful with what i have, that Asian Beauty Standards are bullshit. 

Great news for today: i find my old friend again; confidence.

furthermore, among thousands of citizens in Stuttgart, i think i found a best friend. and i’m sure that the story about him will still to be continue.

but now i’m proudly say, Goodbye Asian Beauty Standards!

[604]

🌾

#having celiac disease is pretty weird #it feels less like I changed and more like my environment did #like all of a sudden everyone started putting poison in everything I want to eat haha #I feel frustrated right now #at how hard it is to avoid cross contamination #everyone’s like there’s no poison in this but you should be aware we may have sprinkled some in by accident #man #it just feels unfair that it’s so unsafe for my body to even eat in a lot of normal environments #obviously I know no one owes me a safe eating experience and I am genuinely so grateful I still have soo many options #and so many businesses are aware of my needs #but it’s hard :( #especially cuz I don’t really have a place to cook rn #so I’ve been experiencing more and more this choice between not eating OR hurting myself via potential contaminants #and a lot of days I end up eating junk that’s not nutritious AND that is potentially dangerous #mg fault for not protecting myself more proactively:( #im realizing I have to try harder .. I’ve been treating myself with less care than I deserve #and I’m scared of getting hurt #wow im really in the mood to longpost about my feelings huh

[pap-rica]

3.2.2017 9:56 p.m.

It’s Thursday night. The vibe as of late has been been me regretting my emotional outbursts and inability to control my reactions to things that upset or bother me. It wasn’t until bae left for work this morning and I attempted to go back to sleep that I realized how much his words and these issues were consuming me. I had one of the worst dreams.

--There was a house party in a dingy home. Like a cross between a Rockhurst party house and something less occupied like a trap house or whatever. I get there with bae, white guys are being rude to me. A girl bumps into me hard and her boyfriend defends her, treating me like the piece of shit in her way. I try to find bae and share these occurrences with him, yet his attention is not on me. It’s more focused on kicking it at this party and getting lit*. I stop trying to share because in the end, I’m not gonna be heard*. The next thing I know, I’m waking up and apparently many people fell asleep there. I search for bae. Everyone is under covers. On one huge bed, I poke at it and out comes Carlo, Angelo and AK. Moving on... Theres a stranger. Next bed...there’s the silhouette of 2 figures. I poke one and as bae comes from under those covers, a female comes out beside him. I look and immediately ask, “Why are you in bed with her?” He looks over nonchalantly and smiles at her. The girl looks more worried than him. I ask this time, “Did you sleep together?” The girl immediately attempts to lie and say no. Bae calms her and reassures her that it’s alright and smiles while answering, “Yeah we did.” The pain feels so bad I go numb. I throw my hands up, unable to say a damn thing (which is completely out of character for me because I share everything I dislike in the heat of the moment). I start walking away and all I can muster is a meek “You lost me.” I search the house frantically for my keys and phone to leave and never look back. I can tell he’s slowly moving to get dressed and indifferently says in my trail, “Why are you being so dramatic?*” I respond, “You sabotaged us and ruined any chance at a future.” He tells me I’M THE ONE WHO’S BEEN SABOTAGING US*. As if my contributions of problems are anywhere near equivalent to his actions. I tell him he has no self-discipline*. He watches me go to my car and all he can do is present with a  snide chuckle.--

Break. Back to reality I awake and I’m shaken the fuck up. I cried the way a baby does after it wakes from a bad dream because as it turns out, bae was texting me the sweetest things in reality.

So what in the fuck?

How is it that my subconscious is in such overdrive that reality turns into fallacies? I’m living in a hallucination.

Im writing this evening to share that my emotions are taking a fucking toll. They always have been there like a shadow I can’t escape, but it’s more apparent now than ever. I have someone worth working and fighting my inner self for. Yet daily, situationally, and instantaneously, I’m being tested. 

Feelings fucking come and go. So how does one ignore without feeling repressed? How does one feel better when your blood begins to boil and you spew out the most intense words you can? 25 gotdamn years old... There’s gotta be a way for me to figure this out.

People have judged me...I’ve judged myself harder.

People have been confused by my thoughts, words and actions...I’ve been completely bewildered at my capabilities.

People have thought I didn’t care due to what they see come from me... I’ve fought so hard to get through the intense emotions, responses I hurl out and make it heard that I DO CARE. It’s so challenging to fight through a dark cloud looming over me at times.

I’m not depressed. But I sure as hell can tell you what I feel I am.

I feel annoyed, upset, angry at times, bitter, petty, cold, savage, hard, sad, helpless, misunderstood, belittled, and then hopelessly tired... All within a day... Multiple times a day when my mind goes into overdrive and intensifies.

Can you imagine? I mean really... just fucking imagine trying to fight every single one of those emotions constantly. Do you know how tiring it is? Do you know how hopeless it makes me feel about my goodness? Do you know how dark of a perception I can form of myself when I feel out of control? Do you know how embarrassing it is to know that there are people who actually care for my dysfunctional ass knowing exactly all I have to offer back to them? Do you know what it’s like to let myself, my parents, my friends, and most importantly my significant other down constantly? Do you know how much I hate lies? Do you know how much I stress about the fact that I think I look crazy saying all these good things I want to do and can only show my bad side when shit hits a nerve? Do you know how misunderstood and alone I feel? Do you know how undeserving of good things I feel regularly? Do you know how little love I feel I deserve? 

The thoughts are overwhelming. 

I’m tired.

I just wanna curl up in a ball sometimes and close my eyes to sleep so it can all stop or slow down... then they sneak their way into my dreams. Perfect. Fucking perfect.

I am determined like never before to read, research, observe myself carefully, understand my triggers, practice silence when I’m poked for my dysfunction, and just find a relationship again with God. I’ve been a mess without him and I know that I need someone who knows my inner thoughts, my intentions, my good nature that I want to shine through and who knows that I am stronger than these measly thoughts and emotions.