manuskrip

[manuskrip]

hey its me again

haha kasian ya kamu tumblr, i only come to you when life isn't going well. actually, my life hasn't been going well for a couple of months. 

so my current situation is like this: it's been almost two years, that I and Adrien lived together. And now we’re completely apart from each other. He moved to London, and I'm still here in Stuttgart doing I don't even know what.

Gimana ya, rasanya tinggal dan hidup sendiri di negara orang. I feel lonely, i don’t have any friends. Well, i actually do, but that isn't really what I need anymore. I think at this kind of age I might already need someone to survive together with me. I feel lonely like i don't have someone to hang on to, let alone someone to talk every day. Aku tuh capek kayak gini. Tapi kalo aku capek aku pasti inget bapak sama ibuk, yang udah sekolahin aku jauh-jauh mahal-mahal. Tapi akunya cuman apa? Parasit.

Parasit ke orang tua iya, parasit ke Adri juga iya. Mau aku perjuangin Adri ya udah nggak mungkin unless he is willing to convert. Taugaksih, if only he wants to convert, I’d do literally everything. Moving out a thousand miles away ya Aku akan lakuin. Kadang aku mikir, why can’t I get what my friend has. Why does the person I love so much is different? Why can’t he do the same as others can easily do?

But if I think about it again, why would Adri sacrifices his life for a person like me? for someone who has zero achievements, zero life, zero money, is uninteresting, and has no self-development. Kasian Adri if he has to stay with someone like me who so far for the past two years contributed nothing to our household. Kasian Adri, maybe he doesn't have the heart to let me go since the beginning because look at me. And kasian Adri because staying with me means he has to always give without receiving something back. Already, I burdened him with this whole religion thing, and second, being with me is like having to do charity his whole life. Kasian Adri...

I am well aware of that. That is why when he thinks we should start to stop keeping in contact with each other I didn't really say anything. He worked hard for the past few years not to end up with a child who just constantly suck up his money, his time, and his happiness. I think he deserves someone amazing you know. A woman that is bright and full of positivity. Not a girl who throws him an unendless problem without even knowing how to solve it. not a girl who always asks for protection and understanding without even trying to try in the first place.

I owe him so much. And I feel so embarrassed about it. I have a lot of debt that I don't even know if I can pay them back or not. But I know I will have to. Kasian Adri... All the more reason for him not to sacrifice himself to convert for me. Because it's obvious that I am worth nothing. 

Sometimes I am wondering why should I struggle to live when I don't even have any purpose to live anymore. I have lost everything, including myself. But every time I think about ending my life, I can only think about ibuk, bapak, and my debt to Adri. He needs the money back. and I just can’t burden my parents with it. Tapi aku capek... aku capek banget hidup kayak gini... aku capek harus nangis sendirian setiap malam. aku capek gak punya pegangan hidup dan gak bisa cerita sama siapa-siapa. aku capek...

Setiap gemuruh yang keluar dari paru-paru aku rasanya sakit. Perih. Semua orang pergi dari aku.

I never talked to anyone regarding the debt I have. It was only between me and Adri. and maybe wonwoo.. I think wonwoo knows practically everything about me. wonwoo is always there to listen even though he is not saying anything. Wonwoo... I don’t deserve Adri, do I? Wonwoo, I love him so much tapi kasian adri... Wonwoo, I think Adri should be better off without me, Iya kan? 

Wonwoo.. how did you do it. I mean handling the grief when your mom passed away this year. Wonwoo, will you tell Adri for me how I am so unhappy without him? will you tell me that if he takes me back I would do everything? I would work my ass off as whatever I can to give him back all the money I have used for nothing. Wonwoo.. i think it might be so hard for me to keep living and not end up with Adri. It will be hard to find someone who can compete with him. But wonwoo.. I don’t know what he thinks about me right now. I am so embarrassed I feel tidak pantas. 

Wonwoo If I may have a dream, well if I even deserve to have a dream. i would choose to be a mother. I want to be a mother. At first, I thought being a mother is easier than becoming a career woman. But I was wrong, with who I am right now, it’ll be even harder to make it come true. Who would want to settle with a person like me? Dear Doctor, I think your patient has just run away from your asylum. Sometimes I'm thinking you know, what if I turned out to be actually crazy. I think life would be easier... but then people are gonna suffer with my presence. and that is not cool. if I die, some people are also still gonna suffer. but if I do keep myself alive, I think I am slowly gonna kill myself. 

I remember the last time I was suicidal was under the influence of alcohol. but right now I'm typing this with 100 percent of consciousness. I am fully sober. Wonwoo.. if I end up doing something stupid do you think people are gonna forgive me. My dad, my dad always thinks I'm the daughter he could be proud of. I think he would be disappointed and he wouldn't forgive himself.

Wonwoo.. sekarang aku bingung... aku ini harus kemana.. what is the meaning of having all these if i am not happy at all. Wonwoo.. bahagiaku itu cuman sama Adri. But having these feelings and letting Adri knows about it, is only gonna burden him. Who would want to be burdened by such a statement? Gak ada wonwoo.. 

Wonwoo.. right now I don't really have anyone who can listen to me, who cares about me. Wonwoo... i love you. Thank you for always being there when I need you... Aku tau, kamu itu gak nyata. Kamu itu cuman khayalan yang aku buat untuk bisa nenangin diri aku sendiri. Tapi wonwoo,,, Kalau gak ada kamu, mungkin aku udah gak tau lagi harus lari kemana. Wonwoo makasih ya... for some people who don’t understand; they might see you as a meaningless pop idol who is worshipped by a bunch of girls but for me personally, you keep me sane. Even though i don’t even know what sane is anymore. 

Wonwoo... I feel like I wanna run and cry to my mom, tapi aku gak bisa. It’s just not me. Wonwoo, keep this secret baik-baik ya, will you?

[manuskrip]

I cant really live my life properly now. I dont have any motivations to do anything. I keep telling people yeah dont worry im studying. im this and that. but i didnt do any of them properly. its a week before my exams. I dont think ive reached even 50% of the materials i need to finished. Ill have an oral exam in 3 days, but up until now, i havent even finished my power point. let alone knows what to talk during the presentation. I promised Adrien to take care of myself. but i dont know if putting my mental health could be counted as taking care of myself eventho the other aspect of my life is torn apart right now. 

I stayed in a friends place since a week. Because if i stayed at home. i knew i wouldve gone crazy. I probably wont be able to stop crying and  let alone to study. so i decided to distract myself to something else. but right now i dont even know if this überhaupt a good decision. its been some days since ive been addicted to a korean boyband. which was never happened to me before. it took lots of my time. to study and to do anything. but i didnt feel like doing anything. ive tried to sit and open my book. nothing really works. i cant keep my concentration for more than 30 minutes. and to gain the willing of staying concentrate in one thing always takes me forever. i dont know whats wrong with me. i am not sad. i dont think i have any particular emotions struggling inside i need to express right now.

all i can think about right now is to see Doyoung’s face on youtube eversince i open my eyes in the morning till i go back to sleep. I dont know if this turns me into something worst or not. what i know is that distracting myself from what i dont feel comfortable into fangirling is the only thing that could make me laugh and smile. thanks to korean’s receh jokes.

 ive had a phone call with a friend of mine whos already on the plane right now. when i asked her the reason why she said she needs a doctor. she probably went to a really rough time and things ended up affecting her, mentally. 

do i also need one?

i keep questioning myself. i want a therapist. but i cant freaking afford it in here. besides some people i used to close with would probably think im exagerrating. i really dont know what or how to feel now. I dont find my self really worth that much anymore now. nobody could really understand. when i had a mental break down last week, i couldnt stop crying for two days. and the only sentence came out from a person i thought would understand me the most was ‘Emang nggak bisa banget ya, nggak sama dia?’

and i dont know why it hurts so much. eversince that i decided not to see her anymore. i really dont care about my grade this semester. i dont care about my bachelor thesis. i dont care about how much money should i earn. i dont particularly care about anything now. 

[manuskrip]

I feel like there has been something really broken in me but i dont know what

[manuskrip]

I feel really bad being in this position. And why the fuck should i be the one who stays in this position?

[manuskrip]

I know how we’re already abgelaufen. But.

Pffft fmL

[manuskrip]

Its gonna be the more reasons he wont take me back when he knows how crazy am i over him.

Because i know how it feels like to be pressured to take all the responsibility of someone’s feelings and happiness.

And i didnt want it as well, thats why i let Ben leaving.

And now Adrien probably feels the same way like i was.

[manuskrip]

The worst thing is life is knowing that you cant make people love you. You can only make people pity you instead.

And i fucking hate it when people pity and look down in me. Yet i know my life is pathetic

[manuskrip]

He told me „i wish you could find a man who can sincerely makes you happy. And ive been given up the idea of being that man since a long time ago“

Why the fuck does it hurt so much listening to it? Why the fuck still i think the other way around? I still wanna be the woman he can be happy with. I wanna make him happy by being with me. On the other side i know i dont have much to offer. And being positive is the only thing apparently could make him happy for now. Yet being positive is the last thing i could probably do.

I dont know how to be positive with the kind of life ive had.

[manuskrip]

I cant believe how people can work very differently.

For him, loving me is to let me go but still wanted to remain friends so he can help me whenever im in trouble.

But i just dont get how it doesn’t hurt him to stay close to me without being able to own me.

Does that mean he doesn’t really love me that much anymore?

And why the fuck should i feel way this alone? The feeling that not being able to be beside him is hurtful. Why can’t my body and brain work the same like his?

If a person really loves someone, is it fair to let this person let a person she loves being happy without her? And by that means setting his free with another person that’s not her?

So who loves who even more?

I dont get it

[manuskrip]

Why cant i have what other people have

[manuskrip]

(via https://open.spotify.com/track/5Pw4Q2Z2NttJtISFFxe9MK?si=btyrmBbZQeKRZO3uaMiKQQ)

[Verse 1] I won’t give up on you If you will never give up on me Anytime that you’re off the beat I’ll put you on the groove and in key I’m following you If you are always following me Anytime that you hum it wrong I’ll help you sing the right melody [Chorus] It goes La la la, la la la la la La la la, la la la la la Ohhh, ohhh That's how it goes [Verse 2] If things go bad for you Then things are going bad for me We’re in this thing together I couldn't think of a better team When the world gets heavy The weight has got you down on your knees It’s okay to say F it If you just remember this melody [Chorus] It goes La la la, la la la la la La la la, la la la la la Ohhh, ohhh It goes La la la, la la la la la La la la, la la la la la Ohhh, ohhh That's how it goes [Bridge] When the cloud’s above your head And the sun’s not breaking through You know I’ll be there to sing this song for you [Chorus] And it goes La la la, la la la la la La la la, la la la la la Ohhh, ohhh That's how it goes La la la, la la la la la La la la, la la la la la Ohhh, ohhh That's how it goes La la la, la la la la la La la la, la la la la la Ohhh, ohhh That's how it goes

[manuskrip]

I never wanted to say this but apparently this is the last moment we can say i love you to each other

And my heart just beats so fast while typing this

[manuskrip]

Of course i do wanna get married. But what if i want it to be only with him. Itll be unfair for the new guy cause everytime, i will keep compare him to Adrien, just like what i did to Ben and that’s not right.

[manuskrip]

dear manuscript,

now they followed each other on instagram. i bet she mustve posted their picture together during the trip. im so jealous, it shouldve been me. 

he promised me he would take a picture of him in my trikot but he didnt give me any.

[manuskrip]

he probably doesnt have much pictures of us as i do. i have thousands of pictures and videos of him. Sometimes when im sad, i could just look at the videos and laughed and then cried. hahaha^^

[manuskrip]

dear manuscript, 

i find myself really weird haha. this whole time you know, eventho me and him arent together anymore. sometimes when i just got back home from work and very tired i often find me talk to myself like ‘Adrien, huhu capek. Adrien mau peluk’ 

[manuskrip]

i really wanna hug you for a long time for the last time, can i