the209social

[the209social]

7:43 am "Ghostin" by Ariana Grande on repeat

In The End

Everything that has a beginning has an end. no matter how beautiful or how bad, it all has to end at one point. Sometimes i wonder why the universe sends certain situations our way. It's not always clear on why we have to live through situation and experiences. Sometimes it's obvious and those situations help us understand and grow as a person. Other times we may understand the lessons, but don't want to admit certains things because they bring a level of comfort and because ignorance is bliss. I have been asking and manifesting to the universe my desires and goals as a human and i had to make lots of changes for the universe to start gifting me with the requests i was manifesting for my life. But the universe just doesn't give. It send you lessons that one must pass and understand for it to see if you are prepared for the blessings it's willing to bestow on you.

For many years i could not detach the memory of Romeo from my mind. He lived rent free in my head. For years, there was not a day that went by that i did not think about him, and then on August 7th 2019 i met David at a coffee shop. I didn't understand it then, that the universe had sent David to be the healing i was pleading for to detach myself from the memory of Romeo. Many men had attempted to enter my life after Romeo Ghosted me, but i always compared them to the likeness of Romeo. I had placed Romeo on such a high pedestal that no matter what man attempted to get close, from the start, they just didn't measure up to the delusion that i had of him. As i sit here and look back on the day i met David, I realize that was not the case. I never once compared David to Romeo. From the start David began to unknowingly cover the wounds Romeo had left.

David reached out first over social media and soon we had each others numbers. He said "I love you first," and I still remember how i felt butterflies and how much i smiled and blushed when i read those words for the first time. He even wrote a song for me and dedicated a couple of others from his albums, (or at least he said they were dedicated to me, but now i wonder how many other people he said the same thing to). David would be so loving when we were together and from my point of view it seemed like he was sent from heaven during a time when i really needed that love. Sadly about three months in to this situationship things went south really fast. He began to stop messaging, we barely saw each other and eventually he told me he just wanted a friendship. I mean David's whole demeanor changed toward me during those times. I had fallen in love with this man by this point. I don't know if it was the universe, but at that point in time i remembered that David made me feel the same way Romeo did when he would leave me. So i decided to cut David off completely. We all know it is impossible to be friends with someone you love. It was either, risk it all together or nothing, and he chose nothing. He wanted to be selfish by asking to stay my friend and benefit from the beautiful way i treated him with nothing in exchange.

I remember i cried for many night but in the end i felt like i had made the correct decision. For the first time in years i put myself first. Months went by and the pandemic hit. I was working really hard on healing and changing who i was. I even started to forget David a bit. He wasn't constantly on my mind like at first. One day i got a text from David saying, "Are you still mad at me?" I remember I was sitting on my bed staring down at my phone and a huge smile just took over my face along with such a warm feeling. I don't know why, but i answered. It was something along the lines of "I was never mad at you, I was upset that you made me feel like you wanted more than a friendship..." He told me he was going through some rough times and he apologized. I let my guard down and let him back in. I eventually asked him why it was he just lost interest in me. David stated “I just figured I liked girls more than guys.” I didn’t believe it for a second, but I respected his decision. Little does he know one of his friends had told me a different story. I knew David’s truth, I knew he still loved me, but I let it be hoping that with time he would see how much I still loved him.

David continued to send "I love you's" and "i miss you." It made it really hard to seperate that love i felt for him and turn it into friendship. At first i tried really had not to send, I love yous and i miss yous in return, but eventually my feelings betrayed me and i sent them back because i honestly and wholeheartedly felt that way for David. With time David took me to his lookout point where we would watch the sunset over the San Joaquin Valley. I would take snacks and wine at times, and we would go up there very regularly. I always drove there and he would drive back. I would play with his hair and caress his beautiful face. We would talk about our dreams and goals on the drive back, and he would never forget to tell me how much he loved me. There came a point where David would just come over and we would lay in bed and i would just pass my finger tips over his face, tracing it and making a mental picture of his features. We’d lay there cuddling and I would take in every moment. He would fall asleep and i would stare at him breath softly. I use to love to see him sleep so peacefully. Out of all the times David and I spent together the most special time for me was not even when we were alone, it was when he invited me out to the movies with his sisters. I feel like meeting family is a whole new level. I was so nervous, but it was such a special moment for me to be let into such a private moment with his family. I was able to see a different side of David when he was around his sisters and I liked who he was. I also brought back delicious Mexican candy for his mother from my trip to Mexico and gifted it to her. I made sure I placed the candy in a flower pot and wrapped it with a big bow. David was nice enough to video record her opening her gift and send it to me. David mother looked so happy opening up her gift and it even made me cry, because in a small way, i was part of such a special moment between the two of them. I even wrote his mother a small letter that went along with the gift. David asks his mom to read read the letter and his mother tells him the letter says "Dice cosas bien bonitas que solo una persona buena y que de verdad te quiere, va a decirte esto de verdad." (It says very beautiful things that only a good person who truly loves you, would tell you these things). She was not wrong, I loved her son.

After that i really thought that things might workout between David and I. I told myself to just give it time and don't rush things. But time is the killer of all things. Soon after that i could feel a change in David. There were no more "I love you's" or "i miss you." I guess i also became distant in many ways. David once promised me that if i attempted to stop speaking to him he would be at my door and wouldn't give up on us. His promise took me back to the day Romeo told me he almost slept with his ex but that nothing happened. Romeo then went on to promise, "No matter who comes into my life, you will always be a part of it." How easy it is to utter words, letting them be carried by the wind. What we forget is that those same words are also carried by the people we speak them to in their heart. So i unintentionally put David's words to the test. He never came to my door.

I don't even remember the last time we texted or spoke, but in a weird way i feel like it was the universe saying "it is done." What is done? The universe sent David during my hardest times, when Romeo invaded every waking moment of my day. David lit that flame that i thought i was never going to be able to give to anyone else. He taught me that i could fall in love again and again, and that heart break would be part of the equation. A couple days ago one of David's friends messaged me and told me that he was dating and in a relationship with a girl. Deep down it was like I already knew. Something in my gut just didn’t feel right. I wasn’t shocked but I layed there in bed staring at those words, reading them over and over again. Deep down i always hoped that he would see the value in me like i did in him. I felt my chest tighten up. I did not feel jealousy or anger, (which surprised me) i think i wanted to cry but the tears were just not there and since then they have not fallen. I feel sad because i knew i had to close a circle. I had to end a bond with someone that i just did not want to let go of. But like i said before, lovers can't be friends. So it took a couple of days to process, but i eventually just completely pulled away. It was my time to go. I thank the universe for allowing our paths to meet. I learned so much from our time together and Im sure he also learned lessons that i may never know about. I hope the universe showers him with blessings, happiness, joy, success and everything his heart desired and i hope that one day he finds who he is meant to be in this life. I, on the other hand went on to all my social medias and removed him as a friend. Not because i am bitter, but because it's not fare for me to see the life of someone i love with my entire soul and keep wondering what could have been. I learned this with Romeo. Just like I did with Romeo, I stopped looking at David’s social media months ago because something in me told me that I would be hurt at any time, and my instincts are never wrong. I could feel that our end was near and here we are.

In the end I can see how the universe is moving everything around me. I have been very blessed lately in many areas of life. Even though i yearn for a significant other, i have to let the universe send them when it's time. I have manifested to the universe what i desire in a partner. The universe knows what attributes and qualities i desire in a man. I know what i have to offer and i have to manifest someone that is on an equal level to me or is willing to get there as a team. The universe is simply moving those pieces that don't fit in my life and i'm okay with that. I finally understand. I love you David, thank you for everything.

9:34am

#love #my life #gay love #love story #my life story #my memoir #gay #manifesting #manifesation #feelings

[the209social]

Big Changes

7:24pm 10.08.23 Slow Dancing In a Burning Room (Acoustic) by John Mayer on Repeat

Hitting 40 really makes you evaluate life in ways your younger self might have never thought about. Life is seen with a different set of lenses. You are old enough to look back at your youth, yet young enough to still make changes for a possible future. I believe 40 might be when most adults make major changes in their life that they know will impact their future. I hope most of them make them to better their life. I know i have made many changes in the last couple of months to better my way of living. I think i am slowly retiring "The209Social." That is my younger alter ego. It's time to allow for "Sayd" to flourish.

I have never been one to be scared to speak about my sexuality and share my sexual escapades. Yet, this post is not about a wild sexual encounter, but the total opposite, more like the lack of sexual encounters. TikTok is such a double edge sword. You can find all kinds of entertainment on there. I've laughed, cried, felt anger and all sorts of emotions on TikTok. Around the month of March a testimony of a gay male creator came up on my feed. He is a young man who got married and moved to Australia with his husband. After years of being together they got divorced. All the friends he had and everyone he knew for the most part were his ex-husbands friends, so when they split everyone stopped talking to him. This creator fell into a depression and loneliness. He turned to the gay hook-up culture as an escape. He says that while hooking up with all these random men in that moment he felt wanted and desired, but then after he felt disgusted that he had just had sex with a man who he didn't even bother to ask for his name. He eventually got professional help and deleted the apps that led him to his hook-ups. As he gave his testimony i couldn't help but reflect on my own life and how i had allowed it to spiral out of control.

During and before my situationship with Romeo i didn't even know that there were gay apps dedicated to promote hook-up culture. Before Romeo everyone i had ever had sex with, was done in an organic way. What i mean is, i met the person through friends or at an event or social gathering, we talked for a bit, and eventually we hooked up. There was no social media to look at and promote instant promiscuity. You actually had to meet a person, talk to them and start some type of bond, no matter how small it was. During Romeo, i only had eyes for him. I never desired to be with anyone else. I remember clearly that his smell would turn me on and fill my brain with dopamine, he was my drug. Sadly he had a tendency of ghosting me and every time he did so my self worth would grow and grow until one day i said enough and that was the end of us.

I never sat down to contemplate how my seperation form Romeo would effect me. Unbeknown to me, Romeo left a hole that i would eventually fill with many other men. Just like the creator i mentioned, i began to partake in the gay hook-up culture. I too must confess that at first i did it to fill that love that i thought i lost in Romeo, but in all reality was never there. Having all these men desire me and want me filled my brain with Dopamine. I just wanted to be loved, even if it was by someone who i didn't even bother to learn his name. Yet after my sexual encounter i would have post nut regret. I would question my sanity and values. It became easier and easier to hook up with anyone the more i did it. In the end there was no post nut regret anymore. I am not proud of my actions, but if it consoles anyone i did tell my doctor about my sexual escapades and he put me on PrEP (A pill you take to reduce the chances of exposure to HIV) and i took it religiously for years. Apart from PrEP i had to be tested every three months for any other sexual transmitted STI. I am thankful to the universe that it watched over me and am clean of any STI. That creators testimony made me realize who i was. He planted a seed and i'm thankful to the universe for that man and his message.

I am proud to say that the last time i had a sexual encounter was back in March. I had birthday sex with a regular guy i would hook-up with and then about a week later with that same guy. Then one night in March i was up late at night on TikTok and a video from that same creator popped up and i began to go through his profile and watch other videos. The more i heard his testimony about his past the more i was inspired to make my own change. So, i got off of TikTok and went to my hook-up apps and deleted them all. I also deleted and blocked all the numbers from those guys who only looked for me to satisfy their own personal pleasures. I put my phone to charge and had the best night's sleep i have ever had. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders. You see, i alway wanted a relationship. I wanted a man to love me, cherish and value me, but how could i even ask the universe for that when the energy i was giving did not match. I was blocking my own blessings. Slowly the universe began to remove all the men from my life that did not want anything serious with me.

It's been seven months with no sex and at first i thought i was going to die. I missed the dopamine i got from the excitement of the hook-up but it slowly went away. I do want to be transparent. This does not mean that i will not ever hook-up with another man again, i just want it to be in a organic way. I want to meet a man at a bar, or a party or social event and actually take the time to learn his name and talk for a bit, so i can make a more clear headed decision. Also the chances are higher that instead of it just being a hook-up, some type of relationship might develop.

Another thing i did was i stopped drinking back in June. It was more for health reasons but it has helped me make clear decisions. When i would drink, i would tend to look for a hook-up. I recently did go on a bachelors trip to Puerto Vallarta and i wont lie, i did drink. It was my decision and none of the guys pressured me to do it. I did it because i knew we were going to split all the cost equally and i didnt want to be the asshole who didn't pay for anything because i was not drinking. I wanted my friend who is getting married to have a memorable time. As soon as i got back from Mexico i went back to being sober. I guess you we can say that i'm back at square one and September 25th is day 1 of sobriety. Now i want to be clear that I do not have a drinking problem. I've gone years without drinking alcohol. It's more that my body is no longer 20 so changes had to be made. My doctor said that i could enjoy non-alcoholic beers and to be honest i can't taste the difference. I never needed alcohol to be the life of the party. I've always had that natural charm and people have always flocked to me. That is why i am known as The209Social, but i think it's time to pass the crown. I've had a wonderful reign.

I am not actively looking for a relationship but i'm finally at a place in life where i'm ready to accept the love i deserve. The universe has been making big changes in my life and soul in the past 2 years. If the right man is out there the universe will guide us to that moment in which we are destined to meet. In the meantime i'm just enjoying everyday as it passes me by.

8:56pm

#love #my memoir #love story #my life story #gay #gay love #feelings #memoir #my life

[the209social]

When Feelings Die

1:15pm Young and Beautiful (Orchestra) [From the Great Gatsby] -Stringspace (On Repeat)

07.26.23

Where to begin. Life has been so good to me this year that i've lost track of so many things that use to haunt my mind. I want to go back to a the night that i was hanging out with David. When i'm with David i feel like i can be myself, but only to a certain extent. On August 7th it will be four years since i met David in that coffee shop that late afternoon. It has been a crazy four years and during that time i fell head over heels for him and then he crushed my heart by telling me he was more into girls than guys. I remember how crushed my heart left. I wanted to get away from him so that my heart would stop falling even deeper in love with him. Mind you i did stop talking to him for a good three or four months. I did some heavy searching within myself during that time. There were friends who helped me out and distracted me by going hiking with me and inviting me to events. Plus Covid had just started and towns were on lockdown so that helped me to pull away as much as possible.

Somehow i managed to let go. Maybe it was because David and i only went through a talking stage. We were never official and i would never claim that we were, but i wish i would of been given the opportunity to demonstrate to him how much love i had for him at the time. It's just feelings lost in the wind now. Well months did go by and eventually he reached out again and we became really good friends. As our friendship grew we became more open with each other (at least i did). I trusted and trust David so much.

Fast forward to a couple months ago... i began to realize that when David and i talked about relationships and expectations with partners i would bring up Romeo a lot. I think at first it wasn't done on purpose but as time went by Romeo's name kept coming up more and more when David and I were together. I don't know what my intentions were but after i would mention Romeo i would instantly regret it and i wanted to swallow my words back immediately. Then one day as David and i sat there in my car at our lookout point in the mountains, watching the sunset over the San Joaquin Valley, we were talking and i brought up Romeo's name. I brought up his name to illustrate an example to something we were talking about (after all Romeo was all i knew for so many years). I saw as David's eyes looked out the front window of the car, his sight lost in the sunset as he held on the steering wheel of my car. Quietly he turned to look at me and asked a question no had asked me before.

"Would you get back with Romeo if he came back into your life?" I sat there in shock. That is the last thing that i expected him to ask me but then again in the back of my mind i wondered to myself: well if you always bring up Romeo what did you expect? In the past when people would bring up Romeo i would feel a knot in my stomach. I would get nervous and anxious but in a good way. Like when you're excited. This time i sat there staring into David's eyes and his face and for the first time i realized that i didn't want to be with anyone else in that very moment but David. "No." I replied to David in a stern voice. "I would never want to go through that again. I can't say that i wouldn't let him back in as a friend, but those feeling i once had are no longer there." "He would need to bring the stars down to win me over again." David just shook his head in agreement.

When David and i go to our lookout point i usually drive there and he drives back. This time was no different. As soon as the sun set I made sure to tell him i loved him and he replied, "I love you to." David drove home that day.

With my new increase in salary the school district asks that we work an additional 50 days that we use to have off. So now I have to work the whole month of June. I had a trip to Mexico planned for late June and i took the last two weeks off and returned 3 day prior to the month ending so that i could turn in all my reports and paperwork. The plan was to stay the entire month of July and enjoy the rest of my summer break here in the states with my friends. I decided i would start going to the park to walk 3-5 miles daily to get back into better shape. The week i was back i was going every morning but one day my cousin and friend asked me to go walking in the afternoon, so i said yes.

We were on our last lap and my friend said "To your left." So i looked to my left and behind me thinking there was someone coming up behind that needed to jog by. "There is no one there," I replied. "No, look to your left amigo," he stated again. I looked over to my left and across the street and there was a guy dressed in a mariachi suite leaning on a red car looking at me. I had my dark shades on so i really couldn't see clearly, but to be honest i didn't think it was Romeo who was looking back at me. I looked ahead and i told my friend "I don't think it's him." We finished our lap and bought some fruit to eat. We walked back to my car and drove off. When going home i drive around the park and i happen to drive down the street where that man dressed in a mariachi suit was parked. As i turned to drive into that street i saw that there were other people there dressed in a mariachi outfits. I slowed down as to not hit anyone and made eye contact with Romeo for a split second. It was him. As i drove by my mind did not care. That anxious feeling in my stomach was no longer there. It was like as if i was looking at a total stranger on the street. It was at that point that i new my feeling for Romeo had died. I did not go home to think about him and to be very honest David is who came to mind. It was at that point I understood that David was who i loved now and it had been for a long time, i was just scared to admit it.

I didn't want to feel love for David because i know he feels nothing for me. And for me to get my hopes up with a man who has been clear that he does not want anything but a friendship with me is like stepping into another situationship like the one Romeo and I had. So that same week i booked a ticket to return to Mexico City and to gather my thoughts. I stayed out there the rest of the month of July. I would be lying if i said i did not think of David while i was out there. I even spoke to my cousin about my feelings and situation and she gave me very good advice. I guess i'm scared to implement it. Just like with Romeo im scared to lose something i don't have.

It's hard for me to set friendship boundaries with David because i wholeheartedly love him. I know i need to talk things out with him but i'm scared to. I guess only time will tell what will happen, but that is story for another time.

2:16pm

#love #my memoir #memoir #love story #my life story

[the209social]

Siempre:Always 💔

#poema de amor #amor #desolado #i miss you #always #gay love #love #pensando en ti #anhelo

[the209social]

40

7:40 am 02.11.23 Cellophane by FKA Twigs on Repeat

According to the CDC the life expectancy for a hispanic male living in the United states is 79.1 to 79.2 years of age. So basically about 80 years of age. 80 short years is all we kinda get. When you are young it seems like such a big number. As i approach the half-way mark i am filled with visions of moments passed. I get emotional looking back on so many wonderful moments as well as so many moments that have caused me pain. Where have 40 years gone? I would like to take some time to simply reflect, relive and share some moments of my past that have caused an impacts in me and have changed or guided my path on this life journey. I don't know how many days it will take me to finish this, but i want to have it ready by my birthday in late March.

Where to start? As i sit here in my bed trying to think on the last 40 years of my life, i am filled with visions from my childhood until the present day. I have visions of faces from people who at moments were part of my life, some who still are and many who have sadly passed away. Faces of those that made me smile, cry and fear life. How do i summarize these moments that have build me into the man i am today? It feels almost impossible to pick and choose key moments that have added to my character. Also the fear of sharing certain moments in life fill me with terror. Afraid of being vulnerable is overwhelming, but i want to share my reality not the fantasy i believe everyone has of The209Social.

7:32am 3.30.23 "In This Shirt" by The Irrepressibles

I never did finish this by my birthday. It was on the back of my mind but i kept putting it off. So here i am in my bed on this sunny morning attempting to find the words to take you on a trip down memory lane.

I went to school in the 80's and 90's. I attended Martin Luther King Elementary School from my preschool years until 6th grade. I enjoyed school very much and i can vividly remember all my teachers faces as they were back when i was a child. My perspective of school changed quickly as I was in about the third grade when i remember hearing the word gay and faggot for the first time. Those words would follow me throughout all my school years. I was constantly made fun of for my sexuality growing up. Not all kids were so mean to me. I did have some really nice friends growing up. In middle school i was jumped (beat up) by a group of guys as i was walking home one day. I was lucky to be able to squeeze between a fence and an old beat up car. I lost consciousness, by the time i woke up it was late afternoon. I never found out why those boys decided to jump me. The ironic part of all of this is that my mother put me into a private school to keep me safe and the main boy who jumped me ended up going to the same private school. Of course i didn't know who he was but one day during my lunch period in my sophomore year he sat next to me to tell me that he had been the guy who jumped me. I asked him why and he said he did not remember, but that he was sorry. Once as i was walking home from a friends house, there was two guys on their bikes just waiting at a corner store. As i walked by them one of them called my attention and as i looked over. He spit in my face and called me a faggot. The boys laughed and i walked home quietly, tears running down my face. Tears of anger and bewilderment as to why so many kids hated me because of my sexuality.

In high school there were a couple kids that would constantly inquire, "are you a faggot?" or "are you gay?" Some threats were made but no one ever harmed me physically in high school. My freshmen and sophomore year were the hardest. It did get a bit better Junior year when some of those kids didn't come back to school. I must say though, in high school is where i really saw love in between so much hate growing up. There were so many girls that protected me and stood up for me. They made me feel included. There were also many guys that offered me true friendship. I enjoyed high school for this reason. I felt more safe and also we were all maturing at the same time. We were all growing into our own skin and we didn't know it.

I did attempt to commit suicide one time in elementary school. I swallowed a bunch of Tylenol thinking it would end my life. I laugh now because Tylenol probably would have given me a really bad stomach ache but i wonder, what if instead of Tylenol, there would have been other medication waiting in the cabinet for me? The bullying in elementary school was so bad that i had no problem shoving a bunch of pills in my mouth and ending it all. I don't know at what point i decided that i couldn't let those comments bother me, but I told myself that i would take all the hate that was thrown at me and turn in into positiveness and return it as love to others. I believe that is why i was bullied so much over my sexuality in my younger years, because i stopped letting it affect me and it drove the bully crazy that i just didn't care. That mentality got me through many rough moments in life. Also the love that i gave and received from many individuals during my teenage years.

Did you know i never had an official boyfriend in my life? I've had several "serious" lovers but none of them have ever asked me out officially. From the age of about 14 till about my early 20's I was romantically involved with a man that who was 10 years my senior. If you read my tumblrs i'm sure you've read his story. I was too young to see how much this man loved me, but he was scared of his sexuality and we kept our relationship a secret. You don't appreciate what you had until you become much older.

My college years (the first time around) were not so good. I went like 2 semesters and dropped out. Didn't tell my mother and when she eventually found out i was forced to get a job. My mom thought that by working i would regret not being in school and want to go back. Well it backfired and i ended up working for this company for eight or nine years. In my mid 20's a guy from Mexico City began to work there. We hit it off and messed around. He was the first man i can remember truly having hard feeling for. Yet again it didn't work. Turns out he was married and had children and was living this secret life far away from home. He was my first true heart break. (story in my tumblr)

7:20 am 04.02.23 The Heart Wants What It Wants by Selena Gomez on repeat

In my late 20's i decided to go back to college. i hated my corporate job and needed my education to find my calling. I was 27 when i met him. I can still remember the first time my eyes came across his face. He was in my french class. To be honest, even though i found him attractive, i didn't see him that way. When i was 29 we began a friends with benefit relationship that lasted for a couple years. I don't know why i allowed it to continue for so long. Now that i look back, i don't think he ever loved me. I was used for whatever area of his life he was lacking emotionally and every time i filled that area he would ghost me. When he would ask to come back into my life i just couldn't say no. I honestly loved him so much. I couldn't see how young he was and all the maturing he needed to do. My love was selfish and i didn't want to let go. He had nothing to offer. No job, no financial security, no real plan for the future. He still needed to experience life and all it had to offer. So after a couple of years of being ghosted i finally decided i needed to put myself first and stop being his emotional crutch. It was the hardest thing i ever did. Letting him go caused me so much pain, both emotional, physical and lots of therapy. It took me years to just go one day without thinking about him. Until slowly it was more than a day, a week, a month and then eventually he would come to mind just ever so often. Up to now i never loved any man like i loved him. Other men have come into my life and while i was with them of course i didn't think of him but those relationships didn't go anywhere as well. I wish him the best. I hope he finds his forever after. I wish him success and happiness. He once told me that when he was with me his anxiety would go away, that i gave him a peace in his life he couldn't find anywhere else or with anyone else and to be honest he made me feel the same way. I never felt more safe than when i was with him. I use to think that it was because we were soul mates, but i guess i was wrong.

In 2019 i met a wonderful man at a coffee shop. It was on his birthday. Right off the bat we clicked really well. He's tall, dark and very handsome. He has a sweet soul and kind heart. He was the first one to text "I love you." All my friends would tell me that there was something about him that they didn't like. They all felt like he was just going to use me or hurt me. Things were going great between me and him. There was never anything sexual between us, so that made things even more special for me. Usually guys just wanted to fuck The209Social because they wanted bragging rights, but he was different. Don't get me wrong, if he would have asked i would have given it up but im glad he didn't. About three months into our talking he stopped texting me as often as he did. It's like he flipped a light switch. I would try and make plans with him and he would tell me he was "too busy" to hang out. Eventually i called him out one night and asked him what he wanted between us because by this point i had major feelings for him. He said he only wanted a friendship, so i cut him out of my life. I was falling in love with him and I couldn't offer a friendship to someone i loved. I was not going to relive this again. I told him not to contact me at all. He made me feel special and safe. He made me feel loved and wanted. It was too much to bare and it took me back to my last relationship. After a couple months he text me out of the blue asking if i was still mad at him and i told him i was never mad, i was disappointed in the fact that he led me on without ever having plans of actually loving me. At this time the pandemic was at it peak. I'd have five, maybe 6 people over at times and we would chill in my garage. One day i invited him over and while he was on his way, out of the blue, i received a message from someone on IG. This person knew him and they told me the "True" reason he stopped talking to me. This person said it was because someone was going to expose him to his friends and professional community. This would have put his career at risk so he opted to push me away. I don't know how much truth there was in that message but when he arrived i asked him right out why he had stopped talking to me. His response was "because i figured i liked girls more than guys." I didn't believe his answer, but I never questioned it. In my mind i said, if a man is scared of being his true self for fear of what others may say or think, he is a weak man and i don't want that in my life. If a man has to hide his sexuality in the time and age we live in then i don't want any part in that. My relationship with him continued and we became good friends. I must admit that when we are together i can feel a tension or energy between us. I will rub his back and head. Touch his face softly and tell him how much i love him. He too is kind and loving and will cuddle with me at times, but i don't see it going anywhere, especially since he's never made a move. While i was in Mexico about four weeks ago i had a conversation with my cousin and she told me i had to stop. Stop the touching, cuddling and slight glances. I was causing more danger to myself and i agreed. Since I've been back i have only seen him once or twice. I agree i need to stop offering the wrong type of love to the wrong person. I can show him friendship love and give him advice but the love i express to him is more of something you would show a boyfriend. I'm just afraid to hurt him in the process, but i'm more afraid of the pain i'll cause myself it i allow it to continue.

between 2020 and 2023 i lost three close friends. All three friends were good friends in my eyes. Two of those friends i had been knowing for probably 15 years or more. The third about a good 6 or 7 years. I loved all of them so much. Two of those friendships i lost during the pandemic. Emotionally i was going through my own battles during this time with some guy that when i look back now he was not worth my time or energy. These first friendship i lost hurt me very much. This person who i considered one of the most special people in my life just ghosted me out of the blue. I know there are always two sides to a story and i'm not going to sit here and say my side is definitive truth. I can only share my perspective of how i lived through it. With the pandemic, the lock down and millions of people dying all around us we were all going through a lot. I'm told that i made a comment of some sort that rubbed my friend the wrong way. It must of been the straw that broke the camel's back and my friend must of felt comfortable enough to take out all their frustrations and anger on me. As for my part of the story, I don't remember completely because i was more worried about what a guy thought about me. To be very honest i didn't even know my friend was upset with me because this friend never took the time to express their feelings and call me out as a real friend should have. I believe there would have been a real apology for whatever it is i did. The loss of this friendship really hurt. This friend was like a sibling to me. I had so much love for this persoon. Their departure from my life hurt more than any relationship i had ever been in. I longed for many months to mend things with my friend but too much time had gone by and during the pandemic my mind was truly opened by the universe. It taught me to let go of the things that it was removing from my life and are not meant to be. So when my second friend decided to also stop speaking to me it hurt a little less. By the time my third friend stopped talking to me, i handled it as an adult and text my friend to see if things were okay between us and if i had offended them in any way. I reached out several time and then i let go. I had no more energy to waste on people that don't know how to communicate like an adult. You see the universe will remove everything that is holding you back from greatness.

During the pandemic a did a full reevaluation of myself and those around me. My way of thinking and processing certain events in life really changed. I no longer tolerated anyone's crap. If someone said they were my friend and proved otherwise i simply and slowly exited their life. I made new friends with whom i believe our energy synced. I wanted to be surrounded by people who had goals for a better future. Hard working individuals who could teach me and encourage me to move on and better myself instead of holding me back due to jealousy and envy and i found those people. I made a mental vision board of where i wanted to be emotionally and career wise. I'm happy to say that i am the most emotionally stable version of myself that i've ever been. It took a lot of work to get where i am. To be happy with myself and who i am. I'm confident in my skin and that is all that matters. A year ago i decided to take a new position at work. It didn't pay much more than what i was already making but i just knew the universe had something bigger waiting for me. I took a chance and here we are a year later and with a salary that i would have never thought i would be making. A salary that most people wouldn't make unless they had a Masters degree. I am blessed and can only wish the same blessings on everyone else. I still have several other things on my vision board that i would like to accomplish but all in due time.

Life has been long, but it has also gone by in a blink of an eye. I have laughed, cried, felt anger, jealousy, gone through the pain of losing loved ones to death and to time, but here i am. Halfway to the finish line. I just hope that the universe will allow me to see the other half and maybe more if i'm lucky. I don't blame life for all the hardships that it has thrown my way. I am thankful to the universe for allowing me to experience and learn from everything it has made me go through and i'm proud for coming out victorious in the end. Life is precious and sadly sometimes it takes half a life for you to finally understand how to enjoy it. Life is a balance of everything it hands you, so with that i advise you all to live a full life without hurting others and stop being so worried of what others will think, because one day we will close our eyes to never open them again. May the next 40 years be filled with wiser choices and may i be open to change, new adventures and new love... or an old one that's matured, who knows.

11:20pm 04.03.23

[the209social]

Every year when my birthday rolls around you are heavy on my mind.

#always #i miss you

[the209social]

2022

8:30am

12.28.22

"So much can change in one year." That expression holds so much power. A year is simply 365 days, a blink of an eye in the cosmic scale of things. To the universe time is not relevant because it will always exist. To us humans time is precious because we are not eternal. The moment we are born we begin to countdown our days on this planet. We are all born with different expiration times and dates, yet we foolishly believe that we will make it to a an old age. I truly hope we all make it there and in the process we live a plentiful life full of adventures and memories to share. Until that time arrives i hope everyone's year has been full of wonders.

This year for me has been full of highs. I continued working for a non-profit organization that helps with after school programs. I was with them for 5 years or so. I was making enough money to sustain myself and I had lots of time off because I worked the school districts schedule. My Facilitator (manager/boss) found a new job and left. That was hard for me because i enjoyed working with her, but we all have our own path to follow. Then in March I was offered her position and i went from working with the non-profit organization to working for the school district and i became manager/boss. I knew that from that moment on things could only look up. It had been a while since i had a good year, yet i believe this year has been really good to me.

In the summer i was at a bar and as i was leaving a promoter came up to me and offered me 10 tickets for a local rodeo (jaripeo). I put it on my social media and asked if anyone wanted to join me. I had the most random group of single friends come together and we all went to this jaripeo. One girl didn't even know anyone in the group, she was invited by another friend, yet i am so happy we met her. We had the best time of our life that day. We danced till our feet could no more and drank everything our hearts desired. We all went home all dusty that night. We even formed our own group called the Jariputas... lol. We are all still pretty close and go out together as much as we can. We have celebrated our birthdays together and special life events together. It's truly amazing how one social media post brought me closer to friends i already knew but they all didn't know each other and now they are all friends.

That summer my work union also announced that they would be fighting for a pay increase for all Facilitators in the school district. I guess Facilitators hadn't had a raise in years. Since i was new to my position i would log on to the zoom meetings but i was honestly lost in all the chat. It took awhile for me to understand that Facilitators were seriously underpaid. We do a lot at school to make sure that the after school programs run orderly and safe. I was under the impression that it would take two to three years to see a pay increase, but life had other plans for that. Actually a couple weeks ago our Union representative told us that we all got our raise.

The rest of my summer i made it a mission to only spend time with individuals that added to may joy and happiness. My circle became smaller and for the first time in my life i was okay with that. I was not worried about parties or social gatherings. i simply wanted to spend time with the people that mattered to me. One thing that i avoided like the plague was catching feelings. I wanted 2022 to be free of heartbreak. I think i achieved it. To be honest, there is only one guy that i really care about, but i know it will never work, we tried it and he was just not invested. So every time i feel like like he's getting too close and my feelings are getting the better of me for him, i push away. I find a way to hurt him so that he will stop reaching out so much.

This year i didn't have major life changing events. No spiritual awakenings, or major trips. Instead it was full of small events. I was invited to be apart of other friends major life stories. I was able to forge strong friendships with the correct people. I was given good advice by those i trust and was able to also give advice in return. This year was relaxing and i feel like i lived every day to its fullest. It was the most relaxing year I've had in a long time.

The last couple of years have honestly changed me. They have harden my heart a bit but i think it's for the better. Also i've learned to let go of what is not meant to be and not look back. As for 2023 i don't want to make any resolutions. I want life to just simply play out. I'm letting Destiny take charge again. I don't want to force life to go where I think is best. I want life to take me where it knows i should be. Well today is December 31st and i have to get ready to ring in the New Year. No VIP at a club like other years, no big parties, just dinner and headed to a local bar with one of my closest friends. Perfect night.

Happy New Year to everyone!

6:00PM 12.31.22

#happy new year #memoirs #this is life #friendship #my life

[the209social]

I Love you

11:00pm I Love you by Yseult (on repeat)

9.01.22

Its 11:00pm and im not sure why im on here, but what i do know is that you have been heavy on my mind. I don’t know if it’s because your birthday is literally an hour from now or because deep down i miss you more than i’ve ever missed anyone in my life. My writings might be in vain. I don’t know if you even read them, but just in case that you do... I Love You. I can’t explain it. Months can go by and i won’t think about you not one bit and then out of the blue i remember your face and like a tsunami my entire body is filled with grief. Yes, grief, because you might as well be dead. Your absence in my life feels like a void someone leaves when they pass away too soon. The other day i was driving and a song that i have heard a million times before began to play and instantly i thought of you. Like a ton of bricks I was hit with so many emotions that i had to pull over and cry out loud.

You are still heavy on my heart. It’s like when you walked out of my life you took half of me. I’ve tried letting others conquer my heart but no one has even come close to filling my cup the way you did. I hope one day i am able to think of you and not be filled with so many emotions. Yet your beautiful grey/green eyes are seared in my collective memory, the feel of your soft caramel skin was like silk to my fingertips and your deep voice plays over and over in my ear like a melody i can’t get out of my head.

Many beautiful changes have happened in my life ever since you left. I wish you could of been here to see those milestones. I’m sure you are setting your own path and reaching your own goals. You probably don’t even think of me, like i think of you. It’s okay, i won’t hold any type of resentment toward you for that. I hope that wherever you are, you are filled with joy and blessings. I hope life has smiled upon you and turned you into the man you always wanted to be. I guess there is not much more to say. You always new that you meant the universe to me and you probably always will. This week you were heavy on my mind and heart and i felt the urge to come on here and let it all out. I apologize in advance because i know how much you hated when i would post about you on my social media. This time i made sure not to use your name nor your fake name. 100 years from now i just want someone to read my stories and poems about you and for them to say, “Wow, that was true love.” Even if it was one sided.

With that being said... Whenever you feel like no one in the world understands and emotionally you feel drained and can’t find anyone to talk to. When you feel that anxiety is creeping up on you, go to a quiet place, close your eyes and go back to those nights where we use to talk all night about anything and everything. Imagine me next to you because i will be there in spirit, looking into your eyes that hold galaxies and I will be listening to all your woes.

Happy Birthday Love of My Life. I Love You. Forever.

11:50pm

#I love you

[the209social]

9:14pm 07.06.22 “Glimpse of Us” by Joji (On Repeat)

When i was a teenager in high school i always thought that by the time i was 24 years of age i would have the perfect life. I would have finished college with a masters, be married to the love of my life, and have at least 2 children while living in the perfect house and having that perfect life that society claims everyone should have. I pictured myself with my forever person. A hard working man that loved me unconditionally and i him. In my twenties i knew i wanted to be in love, head over heels for the right man. I never would have imagined that i’d me nearing my 40′s and still alone. That i would have many failed relationships and that i would fall in love for the wrong guys over and over again. My teenage self would be crushed, or would he?

I have gone through my share of broken hearts. I have love unconditionally, with my whole soul, my entire being. I have dedicated myself to please, to help build, to encourage and to better my significant other’s. Yet it has never been enough. I have moved mountains to make my relationships work. Often having to sacrifice my own wants and desires. I have no regrets, for i did all these things with love. Around 2016 was the last time i spoke to the man who broke me in ways i might never fully understand. It took me years to somewhat heal from that relationship. Then in 2019 i met this amazing guy who made me forget the one that came before and for the first time in so long i once again found myself having feelings for this new man. Feeling that i thought i would never have for another person. He help me forget the past and he helped me glue my broken heart together. Yet, it was not meant to be. I can’t say that my heart was broken, but i was sad that it didn't work out and evolve into so much more. 

The healing process was much faster the second time around. Other guys tried to pursue relationships with me but most of them just wanted to fuck. No other guy that came into my life compared to the type of man that i desired. Maybe i held on to certain traits of the men i had fallen in love with before and subconsciously wanted a mix of those men in one guy. As 2020 and 2021 went by i became more aware that all men wanted was sex. To “Straight men” i’m nothing more than a freaky fantasy to keep on the down low and to the masculine gays i’m not sexy enough or masculine enough. It’s like i'm stuck in relationship limbo. It’s so ironic that it causes me to laugh a bit. 2022 is half way over and i don’t see my situation changing anytime soon. I have decided that i have spent too much time trying to find my happily ever after in other men.

I’m in no way pursuing love. I don’t want to find it anytime soon. I want to just fuck who i desire and have them watch me walk away when i am bored. In the last year i have gone on some amazing girl trips, concerts, outings, had wild night, met new people, gotten a great new job, seen sunrises and sunsets, fucked with gorgeous men and made the most of life like i have never had in so long. Life is starting to become perfect and that is because i began to put my wants and desires first. Sometimes i don’t recognize myself when i look in the mirror and i’m not mad at that. I see a man that had to break emotionally in ways i don’t wish upon anyone, and rose from the ashes as a whole new person. I’m not bitter with life, im understanding and that took a lot of growing up to do. I understand that not everything one desires in life, one will get, and i'm okay with that.

So if you’re one of the lucky ones that have found someone special, give it your all. I’m not saying it will work out even though i hope it does, but give it your all. This way there will be no regrets on your behalf and your ex can never throw in your face that you didn’t try. Instead the opposite will happen. When their new relationship begins to crumble they will always look back and remember how good they had it with you, but by then, it will be too late and they will have to live with the guilt that they gave up on you and all you had to offer all because they thought the grass was greener on the other side.

Love passionately.

10:24pm

[the209social]

🎵🎼

Música sácame de aquí.

#musicislife

[the209social]

His Shirt

02.14.2022 11:04pm “In This Shirt” (Original) The Irrepressibles ***on repeat***

Artifacts... Why do we as humans hold on to them? Ill tell you why, it’s because  as humans we have a hard time letting go of the past. Call it nostalgia if you will. We hold on to things for different reasons, but usually we keep near to our hearts the artifacts that once belonged to anyone we deemed special or who held an important roll in our life. Maybe a lover, a friend, a family member or a person that left a strong impact upon our life. We all have a certain item that provokes certain emotions in us. We might have it displayed in our home, hidden in a basement or attic, stored away in box, yet the moment we lay eyes on it we are flooded with memories of a time gone by. Some memories can be pleasant and some can be hurtful or even both. The weird thing about these items is that some of us can form attachments. They bring us a strange comfort, until they finally don’t.

In my closet there has been a certain item that i have not been able to let go of for many years. I’ve had it since 2013 and every time i have cleaned my closet i have come across it and for many reasons i have not been able to just toss it away. It does not belong to me, but it once belonged to the person i loved deeply for many years. How it came into my possession is a beautiful story. This artifact did not hold value to him but for the longest time in my life it was the most valuable thing i owned. Slowly over the years i had forgotten about it, even though it sits folded in my closet and in plain sight. It has faded into the background of my room and my mind, become a part of my decor, but it wasn’t always this way.

A long time ago (2013) my friendship with a certain guy went from being friends to friends with benefits. At the time i had a strict rule of never letting guys into my room that i was sexually involved with unless i was in a serious relationship with them or at least madly in love. Up to that point in time i had not fallen in love so no guy i was sexually involved with had ever been in my bedroom. I made this clear to him from the moment our relationship went from a friendship to friends with benefits and he never questioned it. He understood my convictions and where i was coming from, not once did he ever pressure me to get into my bed. As time went by and we saw more of each other i began to fall deeply in love with him. I honestly tried not to because i could foresee that anything between me and him would never amount to anything, but it was too late. Every molecule in my body had already bonded with him.

One night he came over. We were both awkwardly sitting in my dark living room. He was sitting on the small couch that was plopped up against my living room window and i was sitting on the larger couch that was in the middle of the living room (my mom sold those couches about a year ago and i cried when they were carried out because they reminded me specifically of this night). We were both there having small talk and you could feel the nervousness in air. He couldn’t find the words to say that he wanted to fool around and in my head i had a million different thoughts running through my mind, all about him of course. At one point he was sitting there with his right arm relaxing on the arm rest. He was wearing a black sweater that had a zipper that came down to mid chest and some black joggers that all the soccer players were wearing at the time. The Joggers had white stripes down the side and he would always wear them.

I don’t know where i found the courage but I stood up and took him by his hand and said, “follow me” in the most loving soft voice. He instantly knew that i was leading him towards my room, yet before he stood up he squeezed my hand and pulled me back. I turned to look at him through the darkness of the night that penetrated into my living room. Only the rays of the moon light shined through my windows providing just enough light for our eyes to adjust and see. He asked, “Are you sure”? His voice deep but full of confusion trying to confirm what i was about to do. There was no turning back for me, i was madly and utterly in love with him. I looked deep into his eyes and with every atom in my body i answered with a soft but strong adamant, “Yes”. There was a short pause as we both looked at each other in the darkness. He then stood up and i led him to my room, never letting go of his hand until we reached my room. My heart was throbbing so hard im sure he could hear it. That night we slept together in the same bed for the first time. I can’t tell you what he felt or if he felt anything at all, but for me it was the most passionate moment i had lived up to that point. The next morning he got dressed and went home. That afternoon as i was cleaning my room i found a white polo t-shirt under my bed. Somehow he must of not noticed that he left his shirt behind. I picked it up and unconsciously pulled it straight to my face. I held his shirt up to my nose to smell it. His scent was impregnated in it. From the moment he and i had our first sexual encounter i was drawn to his scent. It was like a natural high for me. It wasn’t his cologne, but the natural scent his body produced. It drove me crazy. I pulled the shirt slowly away from my face and I folded his shirt and put it in my closet. He never did asked for his shirt. After the shirt naturally lost the smell of him i slowly began to forget i had it in my closet, plus he was always over and his scent was always trapped somewhere on my pillows and sheets so i naturally forgot about his shirt.

Years later our relationship dissipated because i loved him too much and i believe he didn’t know how to accept the love i offered him, or simply he didn’t know how to accept himself or any feeling he might of had for me at the time. Just like everything that has a beginning we had an end. For me that ending came with years of tears and psychological trauma, but non the less i forged through my pain. After him, i dropped my rule of guys in my bedroom thinking it would heal me from the pain and the feeling of loss he left me with, but it did not. I filled my bedroom with the energy of crazy passionate nights that would lead to nowhere. Man after man promising the moon and stars when all they truly wanted was a night of passion. Then two years ago, (2020) I fell in love again with a close friend of mine, or so i thought. After i poured my heart out he replied with lets just stay friends and it was at that moment that I decided to remodel my room. I needed a project to keep my mind at bay and to slowly bring me a different kind of healing. My room felt tainted. It no longer felt like my space, but instead a vault of memories and energies of all the lovers come and gone. I completely gutted my room and gave it the most needed facelift. The last thing that i decided to tackle was my closet. As i was pulling the last bit of clothing off the top shelves of my closet his shirt fell into my hands. I instantly recognized it and out of instinct i pressed it up against my nose and inhaled deeply. In my mind i knew his scent would not be there anymore but i did it out of a natural reflex. Instead of his scent the smell of an old piece of clothing that hadn’t been moved in years from one spot hit me like a tone of bricks and brought me back to reality. I quickly pulled his shirt away from my face and tossed in the pile of clothing i was separating to throw away. I took all those articles of clothing and put them in a large white trash bag and threw them in the garage. I ended up finishing remodeling my room and for the first time in a long time my room felt like my own little paradise. I was finally able to breath again.

I ordered new pieces of furniture and shelving and it opened up my room that once felt crowded and small. One of the of the last things i did was organize my closet. As i was returning the clothes i desired back to my closet, i grabbed a bag from the garage and brought it to my room thinking it was clothes i wanted. As i peaked into the bag there lay his shirt at the top of the pile. I looked at it and didn’t think twice, i took his shirt out of the bag, folded it and placed it back in my closet. Why? I do not know. Not even i understood my actions, but i did it. Fast forward to today. His shirt is folded and placed directly on my closet shelf. Every time i open my closet you can see it clear as day. I have grown so use to it that i don’t even think twice about it when i open my closet. Days, weeks, and Months go by and i forget it’s there. Subconsciously though i know it’s there. A reminder of a time when i felt so happy i thought the feeling would never end. It is the last piece, the last artifact i have of him. Yes i have pictures of parties we both went to but they don’t hold true. Those pictures are also in my memories imprinted forever. His shirt is something more physical, an object he once wore, that at one point carried his energy and scent. It’s also a reminder of that night i decided that he would be the man i wanted to lead into my room for the first time. The person i gave the honor of being the first man to lay in bed with me. That shirt honestly held so much more than just memories. But it was also the shirt that was subconsciously keeping me from balancing my energy.

I cant say he is out of mind and thoughts because i would be lying. He will forever be a beautiful part of my life. Yet i no longer dwell in him. I’ve had lovers come and go. Those lovers have helped me move on by distracting me from the past and showing me that moving on and loving someone new is possible. In the last couple of years that have past i have thought about him very few times, I’ve gone months and months without ever remembering that he was once a part of my life. But you cant erase a person from your mind completely. There will always be songs, places, scents and feeling that will ever so often remind me of him. When that happens i don’t dwell on the memory, i just simply smile wish him the best and move on, for he was once all i wanted. In order for me to fully ascend to the level of tranquility i want to feel i must let go of everything. His shirt is the last remnant that i have of him. It’s an energy i have to release, yet this time it doesn’t hurt to let go. It brings me a bit of sadness, but it is a natural human feeling. I decided i would toss it. Let it naturally decompose in a landfill somewhere. Slowly letting the energy it once held on me restore itself by giving it back to the universe and bringing balance back again to my life. I will always be thankful to the universe for putting him in my path. For the happy moments, the nights of passion, the tears that made me stronger, and everything that led to the most passionate love story i have ever lived up to now, but that is a chapter in a book i no longer read and so is his shirt.

#his shirt #memoirs #memoir #love story #love #gay love #gay blog #The Past #a long time ago

[the209social]

Lessons 2021 Taught Me

01.01.2022 9:20am Listening to: Humbe - Ktyptonita (Live Session)

As i sit here and think back on this year gone by, i can’t help but be very thankful to this beautiful universe. It has been one of the most tranquil years I’ve had in a while. From the beginning i knew that 2021 was going to be a great year for me. 2020 had purged most of the unnecessary people from from my life. I had to wait to see what other rotten apples were still hanging from my branches which needed to be pulled off. Thankfully 2020 had showed me that cutting people out of my life was okay, if it meant being emotionally stable and sane. 2021 was the year in which i put myself first for the most part. This notion was something that was uncommon to me. I have always put others feelings and problems before my own. This year i was able to put myself in first place about 90 percent of the time. Still old habits are hard to die and i fell back into those habits with one or two individuals. I was quick to acknowledge what i was doing and nip it in the bud quick. I kept true to the promise of not bending backwards for anyone who wouldn’t do the same for me. I owed this to myself.

I played 2021 by ear, and it was the most exciting year that i’ve had in a long time. I didn’t plan my every day to day out. Nor did i make ridiculous resolutions that i knew i was just going to break. Early in the year i decided that i was going to keep my time exclusive to those that requested it. The idea was that i was going to let individuals in my life reach out and ask to spend time with me. This would show me who really was interested in investing their time, with and in me. In the past i would find myself calling people to spend time with them and planning everything out. I did this because i cared and honestly wanted to invest my time in these friendships. 2021 was quick to remind me that i was also worthy of the same input. So i simply pulled away. I stopped texting certain friends who i saw a pattern of being inconsistent. I stopped reaching out to these friends to hang out. I was surprised to see that some individuals who i would constantly text and try to plan things with, seemed to vanish for weeks or moths on end after i pulled away. Then out of the blue they would reach out when they had no one else to spend time with or when they were stuck in their feelings. They would text and say, “We should hang out” followed by “Plan it out and let me know.” Maybe they didn’t do it on purpose, but they were use to it because i never set my boundaries from the beginning. I should have said, “Sure, plan something out and I’m there” but i would get all excited because my friend was reaching out and then “I” would start to plan some type of outing. It’s hard when you miss someone and you truly want to spend time with them, not to fall back into these habits. 2021 taught me that we need to let others plan things out if they truly want to hang out and spend time. If they have the desire to see you, then they should also have an idea of what adventure they want to go on with you. So if you found yourself feeling like i stopped reaching out and returning the occasional text message you sent me every month, ask yourself, “Did i invest the same energy into Sayd and our friendship that he invested into me?” If you have to sit there and ponder, you have your answer.

“If you’re not willing to invest and risk it all with me, then don’t invest at all.” 

-The209Social

If you were completely cut off this year it was simply because you fucked up. You can’t say there was no solution to fix our situations. For the most part maybe a simple conversation and explanation would have sufficed. I give people tons of opportunities, but 2021 made me realize that our teen years are over. We are grown adults and thus we should process things as adults. I gave people one opportunity. During this opportunity there was time to ponder things through to make an intellectual adult decision to situations that could possibly affected a long term friendship. I didn’t bother to bicker back and fourth with anyone over text or social media. I simply text or called you stating certain concerns and then left things in your court so you could ponder the situation. If nothing was done about it then i simply removed myself from the equation and continued with my euphoric life. I have no more time to invest into individuals who can’t accept when they have done something thats damaging to our friendship. Of course im not an asshole, i usually inform my friends of their wrong doings and if things don’t change i simply remove myself. 

“Don’t hold on to people in your life that continuously keep letting you down, they are an unnecessary weight to carry and a negative energy that keeps feeding off of your positive vibes.” -The209Social

Out of all of the years 2021 was the one year in which i learned to keep my inner circle of friends very small. I believe that i made the correct choices as to whom i shared my valuable time with. Remember that 90 percent that i was talking about? These individuals comprise that 90 percent of my time well spent. How did i know who to choose? It was simple, these friends reached out and made plans with me. They desired to spend their valuable time with me and didn't expect me to plan something. Whether it was meeting up for a meal, coming over to visit, inviting me on a night out, or simply going for a walk to destress, they asked me for my time and told me what they wanted to do and all they required was that i was willing to join them. They never planned something with me and then cancelled because something, “better” came up in their life. They never planned something with me and then planned something else that might Interfere with our original plans. I was a priority in their life the same way they were a priority in mine when i asked them out. So in return, it was easy to see that i wanted to invest my time with them. At the end of the day a friendship is a relationship and in a relationship things have to be 50/50 so that it can keep afloat. There are also those friends that i don’t get to spend as much time with as i wish. We don’t text often or call each other everyday, but we reach out to each other for special events and occasions. To those friends i want to thank you for always thinking of me when you celebrate a birthday or a mile stone in your life. Im truly thankful to 2021 for opening up my way of thinking. It has made life simple when you have rules and expectations. 

“Always invest into anyone that makes you feel important without having to compromise who you are, what you feel or what you believe.” -The209Social

What about my love life? I’m sure that if you came on to read this blog its because deep down you wanted to know if anyone special had made their way into my life. I’m sorry to let you down, but 2021 was not really a year where i focussed on my love life. 2019 and 2020 i fell in love with a really amazing man. Things didn’t work out, he did not feel the same way for me but we continue to be really great friends. Then i met another guy and that was short lived, he was always “busy.” When 2021 started i understood that i had a lot more healing to do personally. I couldn’t focus on another person while i still needed to work on myself. Love was not in the cards for me in 2021. What i did learn, is that growing up we are conditioned to believe that we all have that other half out there waiting to come into our life and then magically there’s this happily ever after, but the truth is far from that. Don’t get me wrong i do have a little sneaky link, as many of you have seen of my IG stories. He’s tall, handsome, manly, can put it down in bed like no other man i’ve been with, is a great kisser, but sadly he just doesn’t do it for me. Usually by now i’d be in love, but i can’t see myself with him at all. He’s fun, but besides a sexual connection there’s nothing else. To be honest i’m not really looking for love anymore like i have in the past. I feel like i’ve given so much love to other men that didn’t know how to value it, that i’ve been drained of almost all that love i had to give. I have no more to give romantically at the moment. So romantic love is being pushed all the way to the end of the list for me. Im going to continue to pursue my spiritual growth and self love and if in my road to happiness someone comes along that is interested in me romantically, they are going to have to climb a very high wall of expectations in order to even be considered potential suiters.

“Know your worth and always keep in mind what you expect from a potential love interest. They don’t have to check off everything on your list but must be willing to grow with you as a team. Your dreams are as equal as his/hers. If you have to put your aspirations on the back burner for them, then walk away while you still can because you will end up angry and bitter for investing into someone who wasn’t willing to also invest in you.” -The209Social

I really hope that some of this resonates with anyone who takes the time to read my blog. Do not be afraid to put yourself first. You are as valuable as anyone else on this planet and your time is no less or more important than anyones else’s. So when you find yourself investing more into any relationship than the other person is willing to don’t be afraid to pull away, you don’t owe anyone anything. Believe me when i tell you better people will come along that will know how to value you for your full potential and worth. People that will actually incorporate to your spiritual growth. Individuals will enter your life that will add value to your life and existence. Life is too short to waste that one precious thing we can never get back... Time.

#2021 #my life #gay blog #gay life #memoirs #before bed

[the209social]

After all these years, I’m still letting go❤️‍🩹

#facts #you broke my heart #heart break #love hurts #love #true love #sad quotes #painful #letting go #the past #feelings #my life #gay feelings

[the209social]

A Moment in Time

10.13.2021 Listening to “Afuera del Planeta” by Manuel Medrano on repeat

Does time truly heal a heart break? Do we actually get over someone and move on to better things, or do we simply forget our heartbreak when another person comes along to fill that void? Not too long ago i watched a TED talk that made me change the way i believe we overcome certain emotions. In simple words we never really get over someone. The speaker was sharing that we never get over a person we truly loved. We simply learn to cope with the emotions we feel and we fill those emotions with new ones when we meet new people that make us feel the way the other person did. Old feelings can resurface at any time and without notice. Old feelings can be triggered by a memory, a smell, a song or a picture among many other things. I have always stated for the last couple of years that i was completely over the one guy that i use to say was the love of my life, but recently i experienced an event in my life that has me honestly questioning everything.

I just arrived from a trip to Mexico that i took to celebrate my friends birthday. We went to Guadalajara, Jalisco where we ate at the best restaurants, went tequila tasting, visited near by popular towns and made the best of our time out there. I was staying at an Airbnb with my cousin and a friend we have in common and the birthday girl and her party were staying at The Hilton not too far from us. There were times when we would go out as a large group and other times we would separate and do our own thing.

On the Friday we were there, we decided to meet in the afternoon in a nearby town called Tlaquepaque. My cousin, friend, and i went out for a late breakfast that morning and after we were done eating decided to go home and nap so that we would have enough energy to be out late that night. You see the night before we went to the small town of Tequila, where we went tequila tasting and after that we went to Cantaritos El Güero, a popular stop to go drink near the town of Tequila. We were out all day and didn’t get home until after 1am so naturally we were still tired the next day.

After we were rested we got ready and ordered our uber to Tlaquepaque. With the traffic it took a good 45min to get there. We were walking around the city center and decided get some ice-scream, buy some things to bring back as souvenirs for those we care for and simply take in the beauty of the town we were in. As we were walking around we decided to get a bite to eat because we were starving. We couldn’t decide where to eat. There was food on every corner sold by small vendors and also every now and then we would see small restaurants. We kept walking and ended up in a small cute street filled with a few restaurants. One of them called La Rosetta had a rooftop where you could dine-in. We originally wanted to go to Casa Luna which is the restaurants that everyone hears about on IG and TikTok but the wait to sit and eat was about an hour or more. So we decided to stay and dine at La Rosetta. The restaurant had a bar area downstairs with a couple of places to sit and dine but the main part of the restaurant was on the rooftop. When we arrived the place was pretty empty but the views were just breath taking. We got one of the best tables next to the small band that was playing. The table was up against the edge of the building overlooking the street below. They had greenery around the edge of the building and the streets had trees that reached our hight that made the view even more spectacular. In the distance i could see the top of the church towering above all the other buildings in town. The sun was beginning to set and the colors of the afternoon sky were staring to change. In the blue sky you could start to see hints of lilac and the warm humid air seemed to penetrate everything around.

The band that was playing was made up of two guys and one girl. The girl sang songs of a more jazzy feel and it set the atmosphere for those of us that were dinning. The guys played versions of popular spanish songs in an acoustic manner. The songs were more slowed down, which created a calm and relaxing ambiance. We ordered our food and drinks and we took pictures and video to upload to our social medias and we enjoyed each others company. The girl that was singing took a break and the two guys stepped in to play. At the same time our food came out and we began to eat. I had ordered a pizza margherita and a lemonade of some sort and my friend and cousin ordered pastas. We began to eat and the band started playing. At first i didn’t really pay attention to the song or the lyrics the guys were playing because we were talking about our week and the things we still wanted to do before we flew back home. All of a sudden i took a slice of my pizza and as i took a bite i looked out into the distance and the sky was darker than when we had arrived. The rooftop lights had been turned on and the church had also turned on its lights in its tower were it held its big church bells. It was at that moment that i blocked out all the sound except for that of the music and lyrics. I felt this overwhelming feeling come over me. It was the feeling of nostalgia, the feeling of being home sick, the feeling of missing someone so much that i couldn’t take it anymore. My eyes began to tear up. I tried to fight the feeling because it made no sense. I knew why i was feeling it, but i didn’t want to admit it. The more i fought it the more my tears ran down my cheeks and rolled down onto the table below. I looked up at my friend who was sitting directly in front of me and she tried to pretend like she didn’t notice but as my tears became noticeable she simply asked if i was okay. I told her that i was fine, that i simply got emotional but didn’t know why. I truth is i did know why but i didn't want to say it out loud because then it would make it true.

The band was playing a song called “Afuera del Planeta” by Manuel Medrano. They were playing a slower more acoustic version. I had never heard the song before in my life but it was a mix of the way they were singing it and the beautiful views and sunset that filled me with such emotion. The truth is that as soon as i payed attention to the lyrics the only person who came to mind was Romeo. I felt nostalgic, and in that moment i wished it was him who was sitting next to me. I pictured his face and the way he use to smile. I saw his eyes looking back at me in the distance and in that brief moment i missed him with every ounce of my very being. 

If im being honest, i don’t tend to think about Romeo much anymore. His memory use to haunt me every waking moment of my life for many years. I would think of him when i woke up, i would constantly think of him during my waking days and at night he would be the last person i thought about when i would go to sleep. Heck, i even dreamt of him constantly at times. I loved Romeo so much that it took me years to finally get to a point in my life where i barely even think of him now. I have to admit that i was only able to forget him because an amazing man came into my life and in a way, distracted me from the thought of Romeo. This man also gave me hope that there is love after a very difficult and hurtful heat break. Yet i sit here and wonder, if he had never came along would i have been able to get over Romeo the way i did? This guy and i didn’t end up together as a couple but we kept a wonderful friendship and in a way he healed me from a pain i saw no exit from. We did so many things together and had beautiful adventures, and for this i will always be thankful. He pulled me out of my personal hell that lived in my mind rent free.

With that being said, I can’t say that i feel nothing for Romeo like i once claimed before. I am convinced that once you love someone you love them forever. There are very rare moments where i will find myself in a special place or event and i will just happen to think about Romeo. In that small infinite moment i do sometimes wish that he was there next to me, sharing that experience and taking in that special moment with me. I do miss and love him, maybe not as much as before, but that could be because too much time has gone by and there have been other men who have tried to fill his void. Some have come very close to doing so, but I must admit they have all failed. They lack something that Romeo made me feel, yet they have contributed to helping me manage and tame those feelings that once roamed free within me. 

As the band finished playing that beautiful song that brought me to tears i called the waiter over. With tears running down my face i ordered a tequila shot. The waiter quickly brought it over with a soda to chase it down. i took the tequila in my hand and stared at it for a short while. In my mind i thanked Romeo for all the special moments that once were and for having such a beautiful impact on my soul. For here i was, ten years later, after meeting him for the first time outside of our french class in college, after going from friends to lovers, and from lovers to strangers and he was still finding ways to be in my thoughts. I took a deep breath and drank my shot with no chaser letting it burn its way down into my stomach. It was like the tequila was cleansing me in some spiritual way. We paid the bill, walked down stairs and into the dim lit streets of the beautiful town of Tlaquepaque where we met up with our other group of friends. We walked around, laughed and enjoyed the rest of our night.

#my life #story of my life #memoirs #love #heartbreak #thinking about you #always on my mind #gay love #gay

[the209social]

This couldn’t be more true ❤️‍🩹

#gay feelings #feelings #memories #flashback #special moments #fall in love #love hurts #first love #love story #the past

[the209social]

I Waited A Lifetime To See His Face

1:45pm 7.19.2021

Anyone who is close to me knows that i never met my real dad. I had never even seen a picture of my real father. I always wondered if i looked like him. I wondered what features were more of my dad than my mom. I always thought that a family member would eventually show me a picture of him. Many people in my family knew him and they were old friends of his, but every time that i would ask for a picture of him, for some reason the universe would put up obstacles and the picture never made it to my hands. Little did i know that a friend of mine would be the link that would unite me with a picture of my father. The Universe has a weird way of working and it has its perfect timing. 

I remember when i was a small child i asked my mother for a picture of my real dad. Unbeknownst to me my mom ripped out a picture from a magazine of an old man and made me believe the man in said picture was my father. I was ecstatic to finally see my dad. One day in elementary school, as we were studying science i came across my dads picture in one of our science books. I told everyone that the man in the book was my father. My teacher at the time told me that the man in the book was Albert Einstein and in fact not my dad. I’m sure my teacher didn’t not do it with the intention of hurting me, but i was heart broken. I remember walking home from school with my head down as tears seemed to flow freely down my face. When i got home i told my mom what had happened and she apologized. She was not aware that the picture she gave to me was of a famous German physicist. Now that i look back i believe that moment was my first heart break.

As the years went by i came to the conclusion that it was just not meant to be for me to know who my real dad was. Every time someone suggested that they had a connection to a picture of my dad, i agreed when they said they would get it to me, but the picture never came and i never kept my hopes up. To be completely honest i never wanted to meet my dad. I just wanted to see what he looked like. My mother has provided me with a very comfortable life without the help of any man. My family and friends have given me all the love that my father never did. Maybe this is why i value friendships so much. I mean, i was ghosted by my own dad. Maybe this is why i’m terrified of losing friendships and i give more than i should to the ones i love, to avoid anyone from walking out of my life again, but that has not been the case. I love so hard so no one ever feels worthless like i did growing up.

A few years ago my friend Yuli introduced me to a wonderful guy that i’m so proud of calling a friend. We call him Lalo. I would have never thought that Lalo would be the link to finding the picture of my father and also providing a way for me to communicate with him if i ever wanted to reach out. Lalo would sometimes come over to my house when we had events or if i through a party. I found out that Lalo and his family are from a neighboring town from where we are from in Mexico. One day Lalo and i sat down and had a deep conversation about our lives and things we had been through. I told him i never met my dad and i had no clue what he looked like. All i knew was that my father was an english professor in the town Lalo is from and his full name. Lalo went home and told his mother but when he told her the story he gave her the wrong name.

So all this time goes by and Lalo’s birthday comes up and on Saturday he invited us over to his place to celebrate. I had a really nice time at his birthday celebration and around midnight i excused myself because i was tired. I went to say goodbye to his mom and she asked me about my dad. “Lalo told me your dad was professor so and so, is this true?” I looked at her with confusion in my face because she had mentioned a weird name i had never heard before. I told her my dads name and her eyes went wide open. She asked me if my dad was an english professor. I told her that as far as i knew, he was. She then said, “If the man you are talking about is your father then i know him. He was my english professor and his daughter, who is your sister is my very close friend, we graduated together and are friends on facebook.” I smiled but didn’t get my hopes up, because what were the probabilities that my friend who i just met a couple years ago, mother, would know my real father and his family. Thats like hitting the lottery. “Would you like to see a picture of my friend?” Lalo’s mother asked me. “Sure, but even if this lady is my sister i wouldn’t know because i have never seen a pictures of my dad or my half brothers,” i said to her. She ran to look for her phone and brought it back. She was more nervous than i as she attempted to go through her facebook friends. She was finally able to pull up her page. She handed me the phone so that i could navigate through her pictures because she was so excited she could not keep still.

I stood there looking at a picture of a woman i had never seen before. I went into her gallery and Lalo’s mother showed me a picture where this woman was posing with a much older man. “That is her father in the picture and i believe that is your real dad,” she said. Something deep down told me that there were too many connections and that i had finally found a picture of my dad. I pulled out my cell phone and took a picture to show my mother and ask before i jumped into conclusions and broke my heart again like Albert Einstein had done so many years ago to that little child who all he wanted was to see the face of the man that created him. I drove some friends home. The entire car ride all i could do was think of what i would do if it turned out to be true that i had found a link to my father. I got home around 1:30am and got ready for bed. I turned off the light, got into bed, pulled out my cell phone and took one last look at the picture to see if i could notice any similarities between that stranger and myself.

That morning i woke up and the first thing i did was go to my parents bedroom. I pulled up the picture of this stranger and handed my mom my phone and asked her if she recognized the man in the picture. She had just woken up so she looked at it with no interest in mind. After staring at it for what seemed like a lifetime her eyes went wide. It was at that moment that through my mothers expression i knew that the man in the picture was my father. “Its your father!” My mother exclaimed. “But how? How did you? Who?” My mothers was in shock and tongue twisted. “Lalo’s mom is my half sisters very close friend and after a short talk last night she came to the conclusion that she knew my dad and showed me my half sisters facebook and these pictures.” I told my mom as she stared at my dads picture. Her eyes filled with tears. I’m sure in that brief instant memories and old emotions flooded my mothers mind. It didn’t occur to me that at one point this was the man she loved more than anything and anyone. I wasn’t the only one who hadn’t seen a picture of him in many years. My mother also hadn’t seen or heard of my dad for the length of practically my entire life. “You should reach out to your half sister and your dad,” my mom said as i began to walk back to my room. “No!” i exclaimed.

It’s weird that i’ve waited so long to see a picture of my father and now that i have access to one i barely take it out to look at it. I always thought that i was going to have one of those movie moments where my heart would fill with joy and tears would flow. All i see is a stranger when i look at his image. I don’t even see any physical similarities between us, nor with my half sister. I showed a handful of friends his picture and they also say i look like my mother. None of my friends see much of a similarity between my father and i or my sister and i. Also when i see his pictures i see a happy family that i don’t want to step into and disturb. Just like my life is full of happiness and i wouldn’t want a stranger to come and disturb the peace i currently feel. To be honest all i would want to know is does my dad’s family have any medical conditions that i should be aware of as i get older. Maybe where our family comes from so that i can piece together the other half of me that has been missing for my entire life. I don’t want a relationship, friendship, or an acquaintance with someone who had all the resources to find me as a child and he never tried. I don’t hold a grudge against my dad. He had his reasons for not being in my life. I’m glad i had a father who was non existent in my life, rather than a father who probably would have been there part time or in-and-out of my life all the time. I think that would have caused me more damage.

I don’t see myself reaching out to my half sister or my father anytime soon. I’m just glad to finally be able to put a face to the name of the man that made it possible for me to walk this earth. Its been a great journey so far, i cant wait to see what lies ahead.

3:55pm

#dad #novela #drama #memoirs #story of my life #soap opera #my life #mymemoir

[the209social]

2020

5:59pm 11.03.2020

Anson Seabra “Thats Us” on repeat

I have gone through my share of trials and tribulations over the years, yet if you would have told me that in 2020 i was going to lose close friendships, get my heart stepped on, have a breakdown and go through a scary health situation, i would have told you that you were crazy. There are no words that could have prepared me for the events that have happened to me in the last couple of months. To be honest they even shock me as i sit here thinking of them. Im in a state of disbelief, i sit here numb to the feelings that flow through me and all the events that have occurred.

Back in May my closest friend of over 15 years decided to stop talking to me. Basically i got ghosted by the one friend that i loved and cherished the most. Sophia was the one person that had been there through all the times i cried, laughed and felt depressed. I felt like i had lost a small portion of myself. Such a cowardly way to end a friendship if you ask me. No explanation as to why i wasn’t worth a conversation as to why she no longer wanted to be friends with me anymore. I felt like a rug had been pulled from under me and i was falling but just couldn’t seem to hit the ground. As time moved forward and i heard nothing from this so called friend i came to the realization that our friendship was really over. I can’t say that i took the time to cry because somewhere deep down in me i had hope that we could pick up where we left off. When people would ask me about her i simply smiled with pain deep in my soul and just told people that we didn’t talk anymore. One thing that i never did was talk ill about her. I don’t hold any grudges over her. I have nothing but good things to say about her because she held my hand through some of my darkest moments in life. For that i will always be thankful. I just wish she could have been upfront with me and given me a reason as to why she felt that our friendship was no longer worth continuing. Maybe i did do something to trigger these horrific events, but i will never know because words were never spoken to mend the situation. So i can’t sit here and pretend that im sorry because i don’t know the reasons why it all ended. With time i learned to stop wanting answers and as the months continued without a sign of slowing down i became contempt with the idea of not getting answers and i lost interest in fixing this broken friendship. Sophia has become nothing more than a memory of a beautiful time that has come and past. She will always hold a special place in my heart, but that’s it. I no longer desire to rekindle a friendship who held no value for me.

Around the same time that i was being ghosted by my friend i was beginning to fall in love for Luis, a guy that i saw potential in as a human being.  For the first time in a long time i was feeling something again. If you follow my tumblr you’ll know that the last time i felt anything for a guy was for Romeo. It felt good to be liberated in a way from those feeling i had for him. It was a new beginning for me that i didn’t know how to go about it. I was tired of hiding my feeling but i was scared to tell Luis because he and i had formed a strong friendship. In the beginning of the year I literally bent over backwards for him and helped him through probably one of the toughest situations he had ever been through in his life. I thought he would take my actions and everything i did for him into consideration if i told him how i felt for him. I was tired of living in fear of expressing my feelings so i wrote him a long email telling him how i felt and how special he was to me. To be honest i had a tinny bit of hope that he would take a chance on me. I truly thought that he would see the potential in me and how willing i was to go the extra mile for him because i saw greatness in him even on his worse days. I thought that he would see that i was put in his path for a reason. Deep in my soul i wondered if Luis would see that i was one of the few people that encouraged him to become a better version of himself. Sadly it would not be meant to be. He never said he didn't love me in return, he simply said he wanted to stay friends. I thought we could have been something great together. I tried not to make things awkward between us because i was grown up enough to understand that i could still love Luis, even if it meant only being his friend. So there i was suppressing feeling for someone again. Oh yeah, and Sophia at one point had warned me that as soon as Luis was comfortable and not worried about the situation he was going through, he would set me aside because he knew how much i loved him and i would always be there regardless. Little did i know that those words would stick with me like an afterthought in the back of my head. So as time went by Luis, the man i had such a strong friendship with, and that knew i had feelings for him, started to text and call me less and less. There were nights where i wished he would call to just hang out and watch a movie and bake cookies like we use to do. I would watch his social media stories and i would see him hanging out with people that didn’t give two fucks about him. It actually made me feel worthless because i cared for his future and his well being but there is only so much you can do. As my feelings grew more and more for him i began to notice that i was the one that was always reaching out to him to hang out, to talk or simply text. I saw how he lost interest in my company so i made a decision that i knew would hurt me at first but that with time i would heal. I decided that i would no longer view his stories on social media, the less i knew about Luis the better. Also i decided that i would no longer reach out to him. I was not going to make the same mistakes i did with Romeo by giving him feelings and time he didn’t want or deserved. I came to the conclusion that Luis could care less and that i needed to be on the same page and be okay with it. So i stopped calling and texting him. It was my turn for him to miss me. Weeks would go by, even a full month before i would get a text from him just to say “hi, how are are you doing?” That was pretty much the most we really talked. It always felt like he was texting me out of boredom. I can’t lie. I truly yearned to hear from Luis at first, but as time went by i began to occupy my mind in other areas of my life that needed my attention. Areas that i had put on the back burner to please others or simply because i was busy giving so much love away that i forgot to also love myself. So i started to miss him less and less. But every so often i would come across his name in my phone or a picture and all those feelings i was working so hard to avoid would try rushing back. I learned to cry it out at night and let it go. So in the end my friendship with Luis has also dwindled into little moments full of amazing memories. Do i still love him? I would be lying if i said i don’t have feelings for him anymore. I care for him a lot and there are still nights that i stay up not being able to sleep because he’s on the back of my mind, but is it love? I think it was love at one point, but he showed me his true colors and how unimportant i am in his life. All i have for him now is good wishes. I hope he finds that happiness i know he is desperately looking for and that he learns from his mistakes to become that amazing man i know he will be one day. I hope he finds someone that is willing to love him as much as i did and is willing to ride through the sunny days as well as through his storms like i was. He actually told me recently that he met someone. I have to admit that it felt like being stabbed, not in my heart but in my soul. It hurt me to my very core and i felt a bit of jealous that this complete stranger that hadn’t put in any work or feelings into him, could simply come along and make him feel like she’s worth it and i wasn’t. But i realized that i cant force him to love me no matter what i do for him, the effort i put in or the feelings i show him. At the end of the day i want those that i love to also find a love of their own even if its not with me. As he was telling me about this girl he met i sat there looking into his eyes hoping he would not see the brokeness in mine. I smiled through my pain and his words that had shattered me inside and i wished him luck on his new relationship. That’s real love. For now, i’m okay with calling him a friend even though i wish it could have been more, but i rather have a little bit of him than none at all.

As my feelings for Luis were dwindling i began to fall into an area of sadness that i had never experienced before. In that sadness i found solace in my memories of Romeo. At first he would pop up when i felt the most sad. I would remember times where we had laughed or just shared something special. Maybe a party we both went too or a car ride where we sang at the top of our lungs to music we both liked. It was little things that came to mind. My mind would take me back to the long conversations that we shared about life in my room and in our cars, where we talked all night about hopes and dreams until the sun came up. I did not miss Romeo in a romantic way because i was still dealing with my feeling for Luis, but the more Luis ignored me the more space Romeo began to take in my mind. The more time went by i began to stop thinking of Luis at night and i began to think of Romeo. I must be clear that i missed Romeo as a person and as a friend. It got to the point where i thought about Romeo so much that i went onto his social media. There i saw a video of him singing a song that i would always request from him to sing when he would play his guitar at parties. I sat there hearing him sing this song with so much emotion that it brought tears to my eyes. I had forgotten what his voice sounded like. I had forgotten how easily i got lost in his eyes. I couldn’t help but think “why didn’t it work out between us? Why doesn't it ever work out with the person i give all my love too?” Without thinking i double-taped his video. I could have taken it back, but i wanted him to know that i saw it and that i liked it. I wanted him to know that i did not harbor any hate towards him. Yes he did break me in ways that no man had ever done before, but time had made me grow and i had learned to forgive and let go. The more time that went by the more i called Romeo with my thoughts. I honestly believe that when you manifest what you desire to the universe it grants it to you, but it’s up to us to make something of the opportunity or it will simply slip away. With that being said during this time i had my routine of going to the park and jogging and walking with a great friend of mine. One summer day as i was walking around the park from a distance i saw a man by himself bouncing a soccer ball around and i immediately knew that was Romeo. I could spot him in a crowd of a million people. I can still remember his mannerisms and the way he moved and walked. I saw him several other times after that for about two weeks but i never took the initiative to walk up to him and attempt to talk things out. The want was there, i was just afraid of the outcome. I feel like he probably wanted me to take the initiative and speak to him first, why else would he come to the park again and again knowing that’s where i worked-out. Sadly when i finally worked up the courage to talk to him he stopped coming to the park and i never saw him come back. Things have to be done in the moment. I feel like the universe was giving me a big sign to mend things between us but i threw away the opportunity. Then i started jogging at the levee so i will never know if he ever went back. Still i couldn’t stop thinking that we could mend things and start fresh, begin a new friendship. One day that i felt extra sad i sat on my bed and began to compose a letter for him. I wrote from the deepest parts of my broken soul and i literally cried the whole time i wrote. I didn’t know if he had the same number so i decided to send it through DM on IG. He never opened or read it. I guess i thought that his friendship would bring me comfort, simply because it had once before and i was in need of someone that could calm my soul and bring me peace. I knew that he was one of the only persons that could make me feel at peace. I mean i couldn’t run to my friend Luis that i had feeling for because he was too busy living his life and not including me. I mean not even a call or text to hang out. The weeks went by and my hopes began to die that Romeo would actually open my letter and at least write “fuck you” in return. I had this stupid hope that we could be friends and start all over. Who knows what it would have led to but at least we would have had a fresh start, leaving the past behind us. I guess i’m a dreamer and i wish a little too hard. If it didn’t happen it’s for a reason and with all the things that had happened to me up to that point i learned to simply let go. After weeks of waiting for him to read my DM i finally grew tired and i simply went into the DM and took my message back and deleted it. Once again i had to move on from something new. I promised myself that i would never reach out to him every again and i would never go onto his social media, and i’ve kept my promise since that day.

As life attempted to teach me self value i had another friendship that i didn’t know was hanging from a thread. My friend Mimi’s birthday was coming up and the whole month i kept asking her what her plans were. She was one of my closest friends. I loved and still love Mimi with my whole entire soul, but there are actions in life that speak louder than words. My friend had initially told me that she wanted to go to Tahoe for her birthday. I asked her to tell me with time so that i could save up for the trip. I was excited to be able to spend her big day with her. She was important to me and she knows this. As the month came to a close she told me she had no plans and that at the most she would have something small at her house. When her birthday weekend came i reached for my phone to ask her what were the plans since she hadn’t told me anything. As i opened my phone, for some strange reason it took me straight to Facebook and a video popped up. It was my friends turning up for her birthday and at first i didn’t think anything of it. I initially thought that she was celebrating at another’s friends house. In my head i thought, “hey i’ll just hit her up and i’ll get an invite.” As the video continued i notice that it was not our friends house that she was at. I also noticed that Sophia was there. I checked to see if the location had been tagged on the video and it had. They were all in Tahoe celebrating. I had been left out. That was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I was tired of being hurt by the people i loved the most. I turned off my phone and i felt this deep hurt in chest and knot in my throat. I was tired of holding so much in and i simply let it out and cried. I tried to reason as to why i was left out. I attempted to come up with scenarios as to why my very close friend would exclude me from celebrating her big day with her knowing that i was constantly telling her what the plan was for her birthday. So i came to the conclusion that she must of not known about it. Obviously her big day was planned by someone who didn’t want me there and i accepted that. What i could not understand was how did Mimi not find in her heart to text me and say, “hey i know you wanted to celebrate my bday with me but i didn't know about this surprise and i’m sorry you didn't get an invite.” Would i still have been hurt, yes. Would i have understood, yes. Yet that didn’t happen and i stayed hurt. When the day of her actual birthday came i could not bring myself to wish Mimi a happy birthday. Not because i was being petty or to prove a point but because i still felt so hurt and i knew that my birthday wishes would not have been sincere. I honestly thought she would reach out  and we would talk it out. I really never thought she would stop talking to me. Sitting here and writing about this memory i cant help but cry. This one hurt a little different. After all the other things that i have gone through i started to just learn to let go. So i took the time to grieve and cry it out and i simply just let go. I don’t doubt she has people in her ear telling her that reaching out to me is not worth it. To be honest if it was that easy to throw me to the side and not care about me, i rather she never reach out. This just makes me think twice about who really is my friend. Im tired of always being the one to beg for friends and i’m tired of being the one to fix relationships. Im sorry if you feel like i’m not putting any effort into the situation, but i want to feel loved too. i want to see if i’m worth fighting for just as much as i would of been willing to fight for any of the people i have written about today. Am i worth it?

So much was happening in my life and i had so many feelings that i just didn’t know how to deal with them that i began to pick up old habits. I began to go out a lot and get plastered drunk to cope with the feelings of losing close friends. I would get drunk and flirt with guys i would meet at the club, then leave with them and hook up with these idiots i found cute at the moment. The alcohol was a way to numb the sadness i felt for losing friends and leaving with other guys was just a way to numb my feelings i felt for Luis. The drinking made me forget, even if it was for a moment. To top it off the day came when i had to get a surgery that i had been planning with my doctor for over a year. I told very few people about it. I usually put everything up on social media but this time i decided i would keep this to myself. There were risks going in and i knew that it was a delicate surgery. The week before my surgery i asked Luis to hang out and he responded by saying “Yeah ill definitely visit you before the 15th ill text you or call when i’m free lately everyone’s been needed my help.” It’s funny that every time his social media came up he was out on the boat or bike riding or hanging out with other friends. He was so “busy.” He’s the only person that i reached out to and asked to see before my surgery. Luis never made the time to come see me. That made me feel so worthless. Sophia’s words began to haunt me, “as soon as the situation that he was going through passes or gets better he’s going to set you aside.” Sophia was right, but when you like someone you put up with a lot of shit, but there is always a breaking point. The day of the surgery came. Even Mimi text me to say good luck. I responded with a thank you and i told her i loved her, she never wrote back. To be honest somewhere deep down i kinda hoped to close my eyes and never open them again. I just wanted to stop feeling everything at once. I went into the operating room asking the universe to just send me onto my next life. I laid there on the operating room table staring at the large lights that they use to operate. The doctor asked if i was ready, i just gave a sad smile, took a deep breath and closed my eyes hoping not to open them again. My surgery was suppose to take 2-3 hours. I ended up having to have two surgeries, had breathing problems while under anesthesia and i was in surgery for 10 hours. I woke up and opened my eyes, i felt no pain just some major soreness. Things felt different within me. I was wheeled to my room and my stuff was brought to me. My phone was full of messages and missed calls from actual friends that remembered i had surgery that day and they were worried as to why i wasn’t returning their text and calls. That night i decided that i would never again in my life let anyone control so much of my emotions. I promised myself to only love as much as i was loved and to only input into a relationship and friendship as much as the other person put in. I promised to make changes in myself and to slowly begin to let go of all the “friendships” that i felt did not add to my growth. It was time to match the energy others gave to me.

My recovery was faster than i expected. I had lots of soreness but no pain. The first week i needed a walker to get around. the second week i got stronger and i had my catheter taken out. On Thursday it will be three weeks since my surgery and i’m able to get out of bed myself and walk around with more ease. I can see myself healing so fast. Maybe its my new outlook on life and i cant wait to get out into the world and work on the new me. I want to build the few friendships that i have left and make them strong. I want to meet new people that want to live life and not spend it at house parties, bars and clubs. Don’t get me wrong those activities are fun but they should not be weekly thing. As for love, I don’t ever want to experience it again. I want to finish school, travel more even if it’s on my own and start having children and give them all my love.

Throughout these last months i know that i have gone through a lot, but there were also people in my life that made it bearable. I want to take the time to thank those few friends that kept checking in on me and invited me to be part of their special moments or simply call me to hang out and just talk. You all made life a bit more easy and for that i will always be thankful. It also made me realize what true friendship looks like. I love you all.

11:30pm

#2020 #Memories #life #heartbreak #losses #love story #memoir #stay strong #nothing is forever #hard times #new beginnings #new blog #gay blog #gay #lgbtq blog #life moves on