#idk what the issue could be if it persists | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

deceitfuldevout · 4 months

Text

First and Last

Dark!Tom (The Party 2017) x ExWife!Reader

Word Count: +3,234

Warning(s): +18, Non con, ANGST, Domestic violence, Mentions of overdose/overdosing, Drug usage, Addiction, Forced drug usage, Heavy domestic violence, Forced breeding Accidental OD, Really long because I don't have a life.

Author's note(s): I wanted to post this before my trip. Idk if I want to make this into a 2 part series maybe if its good than ye 😃

You run into your soon-to-be ex-husband at a friend's party. He's determined to get a second chance. But some things never change.

You met Tom in college. Both of you were part of the same friend group and would see each other often. He was persistent in pursuing you. Eventually mustering up the courage to ask you out. You said yes because you fell for him first. But it was Tom who fell harder. He was your first love, first kiss, first everything. After a year of dating, he finally pops the question. Everything seemed to be going fine at first.

That was almost a decade ago. He's not the same man you fell in love with. Something inside him changed. There were times where you were unsure whether it was the drugs talking or how he truly felt. He would try to hide it but failed miserably. You can't remember how many times you've found his stash, which always resulted in an argument. You were sick of his excuses. It eventually got worse with his intake. He would arrive home half sober. You were sick of seeing him waste away like this. You remember finally deciding that enough was enough.

After catching him at home for the fifth time, you decide to take action into your own hands. In a fit of anger, you retrieve his hidden stash and flush it down the toilet. When Tom found out his reaction wasn't what you had predicted. Not at all. He dragged you to the bathroom and demanded to know where his supply went. It was the first time he'd ever laid his hands on you. Instead of apologizing for bringing them home, Tom held you in a chokehold until you told him where they were.

Never in your life would you imagine Tom of all people reacting in such a way. When you finally confess what had happened, he loses his temper. It terrified you how strong he became while under the influence. You were no match for his drug-fueled rage. Your wrist is still sore from how he held you down last week. There were bruises that were still healing for all the times before. But this one had been the worst punishment yet. He left you there on the bathroom floor, naked and sore. Tom hadn't bothered to look your way. He zips up his pants before leaving in search of his next 'fix'.

That wasn't the first time he put his hands on you, but it was the first time you had left him. You received a string of desperate phone calls, voicemails, text messages all from Tom. You returned home to find him on his knees with a bouquet in hand and tears in his eyes. He apologized and promised to be a better man for you. That was shortly lived. When you arrived home from a late shift, you caught Tom using it again. This time it was different, you found Tom overdosing. You lunged towards him, "Tom?! Tom!" cradling his head in your hands, holding him close. It was the first time you've caught him. A part of you feared this wouldn't be the last.

Tom had tried to make it up with sex, but you couldn't be around him anymore. You felt almost revolted how he didn't care. Having him around only reminds you of the pain. This time instead of throwing a fit, yelling, or crying. You simply packed all your things and left. What could you do with a man who refuses to change? Leave. You left for your mother's place, finally accepting that it wasn't your fault.

The divorce papers were mailed to him. For a while now, Tom knew there was something wrong with him. He was just too stubborn to admit it. You'd spoken with a lawyer and there was a court date issued. In a few months from now, you will no longer be referred to as husband and wife.

For the first time in years, you've finally let the feeling of guilt go. No longer were you going to let this define who you were. You weren't a failure as a wife. Because it was never your fault in the first place. Soon enough you were doing the things you loved again, even began to pick up a few new hobbies. That spark of joy began to return. You started dressing up in nicer clothes, going out, actually spending quality time with friends and family.

Sometimes there would be a moment when you'd feel for Tom and wonder what he'd be up to. But then again did you really want to know? It would usually be the same thing, him being higher than a kite. Still, you couldn't help but mourn at the loss of your marriage. When you were young and promised to love each other until your very last breath. You still loved Tom, but he loved other things more.

You were looking forward to your old college friend's New Year's party. A healthy dosage of socializing to get you out there again. You had the opportunity to catch up with everyone there. It felt as though no time had passed. You danced around, joined in some games, things were going well. But there was a lingering feeling that someone, somewhere was staring at you.

That's when you spot him, Tom, sitting quietly at the end of the room. Your breath hitches at the sight of him twiddling his thumbs. There's a part of you that regrets not filing a restraining order. Tom always had a habit of showing up unannounced. You weren't in the mood for whatever he had to say. So, you left his sight, down the hall, to the nearest restroom.

You sat on the counter, removing your heels for a moment. A groan escapes your lips as you rub both feet, knowing very well they would ache in the morning. Shit, you were really gonna feel that. You splash your face a few times, hoping that it would combat the summer heat. Completely unaware of the sound of the door opening. It was as if you knew who was behind you, turning around to find Tom leaning against the door. You gave him a glare, "Get out," you were in no mood for his emotional ambush. He ignores your request and calmly states, "I just want to talk to my wife,"

"We're not--"

"Legally, yes, we are," he corrects. Always so condescending. It was one of the things you couldn't stand. How he would belittle your intelligence. It was the little remarks he'd make to shut down any effort you gave. He made you feel unwanted. He was the one who decided to push you away first.

If only he could see past his own selfishness that you truly wanted to save this marriage. But in order to do so, he would need to admit that it was an ongoing problem. You didn't have to worry about a mistress, no. You had to worry everyday about finding him dead. You've caught him overdosing a few times. It eventually took a toll on you. To the point where you lost weight from the stress. Tom rakes his hand through his locks, "Of course you don't want to see me, nothing ever satisfies you," a snarky remark to try and get under your nerves.

With the amount of alcohol in your system, it worked, "Are you kidding me?" you scoff, "Don't you dare lie to me Thomas, I tried everything, everything to fix us, can you say the same?" you growl in his face. Maybe it was the liquid courage that gave you a whole new attitude. Whatever it is helped with confronting him. His reaction, however, was not what you expected.

He smothers you into a deep kiss, pulling you into his embrace. You try shoving at him in an attempt to catch breath. Finally breaking free from his grip. For a moment, he's seems visibly hurt. You scold, "What you wrong with you?!" it wasn't fair. After all the hurt you've been through, Tom still tries to insert himself into your life.

You deserved better. You try to shove him away. Instead, he shoves you against the wall, "Can't you see..." he presses his sweaty cheek against the crook of your neck, "You're my everything..." his voice sounding more desperate with each word. You scoff, "No, Tom, you can't do this..." tears began to brim, threatening to spill. His eyes are filled with worry, "No...now, baby please don't cry..." his expression is saddened but there are no tears. He kisses each cheek, ignoring your sniffling. Tom held you in place by the shoulders, "I couldn't stop thinking about you," it's true. You were his first love.

Tom had longed to see his wife again. To feel her, touch her, caress and worship every part of her. He wanted to make things right, truly. But she just got up and left him. Like he was trash. What made her so high and mighty? He's so sick of seeing you always playing the role of a saint. For once he wants to see you get downright nasty with him. His breathing became frantic, "Can't you see? I'm addicted to you," there's a mischievous look on his face that you were more than familiar with.

You place a cautious hand in front to create distance, "Tom, listen to me, you’re high right now, you're not in the right--" you were muffled by his hand, "No! No! Listen to me!" his voice booms. His sudden mood swing scares you. So much so that your nails dig into his wrist. He hisses in pain, "Stop it! Just stop!" he grits his teeth. When he releases his grip the first thing you do is make a run for it. But before you could even set foot out of the restroom you're pulled back by the hair. You fell on your back, hitting the marble floor.

It sends the air out of your lungs. That's when you start crying, shriveling up into a ball, begging for him to stop. This was how your arguments always ended. Tom crouches down, "Oh...baby I'm so sorry..." He grabs a towel, pushing it against the bottom of the door to ensure that it's soundproofed. He then pulls you into a hug, locking his arms around your waist. Tom rocks you in his embrace, "Please...please don't cry shh.." He doesn't want to see anymore tears spill. He's thankful for the music being loud enough to muffle your cries. He lifted you onto the counter.

You look down at the floor, refusing to look him in the eyes. Tom presses his forehead against yours. His eyelids flutter shut, "Let me make this right..." he reaches into his pocket, pulling out a small bag, "Here... this'll help with the nerves," he swipes his fingers on his tongue before dipping it in. He swirls it a few times, coating the digits with the white powder.

When he brings it to your mouth you turn away with disgust, smacking his hand off, "Get it the fuck away from me! You fucking tweaker!" you claw at him. He's hurt by your words. How could you? He really is trying to stop. It's harder than it looks. He's tried just about anything you could name to fix his marriage. Nothing, not a damn thing worked. Every time he'd come running back to that same euphoric feeling. When you left, he started using it again, more than ever.

If only he could get you to try it out, then maybe, you'd understand. He presses you against the counter, using his bodyweight to hold you in place. You sob, "Please...please Tommy...don't do this..." he grips both of your wrists, ignoring your pleas. He looks at you with a maddening look in his eyes. You knew he was out of it. There was always that nothingness behind his irises. To think that this man was once your devoted husband.

He muffles your cries with a clean hand. He has an idea for the other. Tom hisses, “M’gonna make you take it, make you feel really good...” he reaches in between your legs, pushing aside the lace. Tom brings the snow coated fingers to your folds. He bites his bottom lip, concentrating on finding your opening. He slowly starts to insert them, ignoring your cries and pleas for him to stop. Tom starts pumping his coated fingers in and out of your channel.

You let out a muffled scream under his palm. Stray tears falling down and landed on his wrist. He felt almost bad, but you'll understand soon enough where he's coming from. Just wait and see. You'll love it as much as he does. Fuck, every vein in his body felt like it was on fire. It's easier getting hard while using, too easy. His dick almost hurts form how hard it was. He spat a wad on the tip, coating it with a bit of snow before hovering it over your folds. He presses it against your opening.

A wide grin spreads on his face, "Sh...please...don't flinch sweetheart I just wanted to feel... can I feel my own wife's pussy?" He moans. A mewl escapes your lips. Tom chuckles, he knew you'd love it as much as he does. His hands grip your neck, he doesn't know how strong he's squeezing, not while he's using. It felt nice feeling you clench on his length. He’s on an adrenaline high right now. He’s not going to stop anytime soon.

He rapidly thrusts his hips in and out your channel, indulging in the feeling. Two of his most favorite things combined. Oh, how he’s missed you. Tom picks up his pace. He leans down to plant wet, sloppy kisses across your bare neck. He retreats his lips, groaning against your ear, “I promise you I'll make up for everything, I'll even give you a baby like you've always wanted...” He knows it’s the one thing you’ve always wanted to be. A mother.

Your eyes shoot wide open as you scream into his palm to stop. Tom pops a pill in his mouth. He swishes it around a few times before forcing your mouth to open. He removes his palm only for a moment, before shoving it inside. It's too much, too much...You felt like you were flying, no, falling? Your heart couldn't stop beating and every single last one of your limbs felt like jelly. A visible vein bulges on the corner of your temple. Only a faint gargle leaves your lips, "F-fuck...T-tom...please..” sniffling for him to stop.

He coos, “M'gonna give you a baby, ok? then we'll be a happy family..." He sighs in admiration. Fuck, you looked so beautiful. Always so compliant. Don’t worry, he’s going to make sure you’ll never get rid of him, “This was mine the day I put that ring on that finger..." He finishes with a roar, coating your insides with his spunk. Tom is almost satisfied, almost. He doesn’t want to waste a single drop. He carefully removes his cock from your channel, plugging you back up with his fingers.

Tom takes the small baggie. He coats it with your arousal. A deep moan escapes his lips, "Just hide it for me, yeah, can you do that love?" Two of his fingers are buried deep into your channel, he scissors them apart a few times, testing the waters. Then he starts to push it in. You were too buzzed to even fight him off.

His fingers have always caressed that spot you just couldn't quite reach. Tom sighs, “Beautiful...fucking beautiful...” words that he hasn't used in years. Tom throws his coat on the floor. He carefully places you on it, taking no note of the blank expression on your face. He hadn’t noticed your eyes rolling back. He pressed his head against the door to hear if anyone was lurking. If the coast was clear, he could leave.

He places a chaste kiss on your cheek before leaving, placing a tie on the doorknob to ensure no one would wander inside. Tom prepares his car for the both of you. If you were thinking of escaping him, think again. He would keep you hidden until you were surely pregnant. You’ll have a part of him with you forever. He returns to the house with a pep in his step, opening the door to find you still lying on the ground.

That’s when Tom finally notices the faint frothing on the corners of your mouth. He crouches down, “No...” he should’ve seen this coming. You weren’t used to any kind of drug. You’ve never smoked a day in your life. Tom pulls you into his arms, “No no no no...no please...” he shook your unconscious form, “Please! Stay with me!” he shook harder, “Please! Fuck!” Finally breaking down. Tom couldn’t imagine spending the rest of his life without you. For it to actually come true was his biggest nightmare, “Please! Don’t leave me!” He rocks both of you back and forth.

Tom tries his best to control his breathing, reaching into his pocket. He calls the one person he knows would help, "Lenn...I'm in deep shit," he chokes. Tom prays that his brother can make it on time. For years now, Lenny had been the one covering up for his little brother. He could hear Tom on the other end of the phone, “She--she’s not waking up...” That’s when Lenny races out his office in search of his twin, "Tom, listen to me, where are you?"

Whatever shit his little brother has gotten into this time, he better hope it doesn’t ruin his record. Lenny hadn't spent years in law enforcement just to lose it all in one day. If word got out that the local detective’s own brother was a tweaker, he’d have to kiss that promotion goodbye. However, Lenny isn’t going to let him get away so easily. Unlike Tom, his brother is colder, more calculated than emotional. He's always surpassed him in every way possible. Well, almost. Lenny hates to admit it, but Tom had the one thing he finally beat him at, you.

You were the color added to his life. Without you his world was just...black and white.

#tom the party #Tom (the party 2017)#tom the party 2017 #Tom the Party movie #the party 2017 #Tom (the party) x reader #reader #reader insert #dark!fanfic #dark!fic #dark fanfiction #dark fanfic #fem!reader #dark!fanfiction #dark fic #my work #my works

411 notes · View notes

raven-at-the-writing-desk · 3 months

Note

I don’t know if you already wrote about this so forgive me if this is a repeat question but, what do you think about Leona’s depression? I feel it’s pretty obvious in game and yet it’s always glossed over as him being ‘lazy’ idk but I don’t find many talking about his really shitty mental health with any seriousness.

Surprisingly I haven't addressed this (at least not in detail)! So thank you for bringing this to my attention; I definitely feel like I've heard people (especially Leona fans) discuss this quite frequently. If you look in the right places, you’re sure to find insightful commentary on the subject! I know I certainly have, but I've yet to say my own piece on it yet.

Now, before I actually get to actually rambling, I want to preface this post with a few points so we can walk in knowing the perspective I'm coming from. Analysis isn't a "one size fits all"! My experiences and background will color the lenses through which I view Leona’s mental health.

First and foremost, I usually don't go out of my way to claim, "this character has X condition" beyond what is outright stated or implied in canon. That does NOT mean that I disapprove of fans who may have their headcanons that say otherwise or project onto or relate to characters' mental health. You can consume the media you like however you want! I am just saying that I don't have this preference so I feel somewhat uncomfortable speaking on this matter.

Secondly, I am trying to approach this situation from a very clinical viewpoint (as I do have knowledge in this area). This means that when I look for “implications” or read between the lines, I am doing so as objectively as I can. It’s how I choose to process and understand characters from a health angle. This does not mean that my opinion is certain; you could very well find someone else in this area that gives you the opposite opinion. As always, I warn you that my response is for fun, it is NOT meant to be taken as medical advice.

Lastly, PLEASE READ THE ENTIRE POST before you comment or share your own thoughts. I'm up for having a discussion, but I ask that you not do so without getting the full context of my thoughts. It’s a lot of information, and I did my best to break it down in a way that (I hope!!) is easy to understand.

CONTENT WARNING: due to the nature of the question at hand, I will be discussing or mentioning potentially triggering topics such as ***depression, suicidal ideation, dieting, homophobia, and substance abuse.*** Please look away if you are not in the right headspace to read about such topics.

Okay, let's rip the band-aid off now: I don't think Leona is clinically depressed.

Pause. Rewind. Take note of my careful wording there: clinically depressed. I don't think Leona is clinically depressed. What does that mean, and how does that relate to "being depressed"?

I think when people describe Leona as "depressed", they commonly mean that he "has depression", not that he is just feeling sad or has low self-esteem. By "having depression", I'm going to assume they are referring to "major depressive disorder", which is the technical term for the condition.

"It's just an abbreviation of the longer term. What's the issue with using 'depression'?” you're probably wondering. “You understand that we mean major depressive disorder.” Well, equating the two does NOT a diagnosis make.

Mental conditions such as major depressive disorder are documented in a handbook known as the DSM (or the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). The latest version, the DSM-5-TR (5th edition with text revisions), was published in 2022. The DSM is a manual that sets forth criteria for each diagnosis in its pages. Of course, this includes major depressive disorder—and it may surprise you to learn that Leona does not meet its diagnostic criteria.

A diagnosis of "depression" (the term I will henceforth be using as shorthand for the disorder) is much more than having persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, being unmotivated/lazy, and wanting to sleep often. (I bring up these three things specifically because they are the ones I see being pointed at most frequently to “prove” the diagnosis.)

In order to be formally diagnosed, an individual must be experiencing at least 5 or more of the following symptoms during the same 2-week period:

Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day.

Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day.

Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.

A slowing down of thought and a reduction of physical movement (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down).

Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.

Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day.

Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day.

Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

At least one of the symptoms should be either 1) depressed mood or 2) loss of interest or pleasure in activities they previously found enjoyable. Furthermore, the symptoms must cause what is known as "clinically significant distress", which is defined by impairment in important areas of functioning. This includes, but is not limited to, socialization, occupation, and/or education. The symptoms must also not be the result of substance abuse or another medical condition, and the individual must ever have experienced mania or hypomania.

Let’s briefly go through each criterion + additional documents and see what evidence there is or isn’t to support it:

We do not have his medical records to cross reference, so for the sake of convenience let’s assume no underlying or additional medical conditions.

We must consider additional context about family, lifestyle, etc. which can confound his symptoms. For example, as a prince, Leona has grown up having most things done for him by servants. This is what he is used to. So when we observe Leona not doing basic things for himself (getting food, doing laundry, making his bed), how much of this can we truly attribute to an underlying condition and how much of this can we attribute to Leona being accustomed to a certain kind of lifestyle?

Leona (at least from what we know of) does not experience mania, nor is he depicted as taking mind or behavior altering substances.

Of the first two criteria, Leona must fit into one: either 1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, or 2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day. These depend on how you interpret his actions and behaviors. Personally, I don’t think Leona strongly fits into 2 because he still has an interest in his hobbies like Magift/Spelldrive and playing chess (though his involvement in it varies depending on the context). I will concede that there is stronger evidence for 1 over 2, as Leona has definitely expressed sadness and despair regarding himself and his future prospects. It is these thoughts that drive him away from home and keep contact with his family at a minimum. It is these thoughts that prevent him from seeing himself as worthy or even capable of change—a sentiment he shares in book 6, when he encourages Jamil but does not grant himself the same kindness or optimism. For this reason, we will go with the first criterion.

He has not experienced notable weight loss nor gain, nor a notable increase or decrease in appetite. Regarding his general diet, Leona has expressed a preference for meat and rejects vegetables. This by itself does not really provide any useful information in of itself; many people have this preference.

Leona does not experience a slowing down of thought. He is still very sharp and quick-witted in responding to his surroundings, especially in potentially dangerous ones, and coming up with an appropriate plan to counter. It can be argued that Leona has had a reduction in physical movement, as many characters often make remarks about how they perceive him as lazy or not doing much. However, this criterion actually refers to the speed at which one completes an activity and as far as I know, Leona is not said to be moving sluggishly, he only conducts himself in a manner that can be described as "lazily elegant". Even if we stretched the definition to encompass long-term goals he is putting off (like graduation), this criteria is still not counted for Leona since the wording used in the DSM-5-TR states “slowing down of thought AND reduction in physical movement” must be present. In other words, both must be true, not just one of them.

Leona does seem to experience some level of fatigue or loss of energy. This could be one way of interpreting his desire to sleep excessively instead of tending to more meaningful matters (like class). Fatigue, in this case, can also refer to emotional or mental fatigue. The sleep, then, can serve as a means of escape from reality for Leona, but it does not indicate actual physical tiredness. Rather, the tiredness can be intangible. This is also a potential explanation for his lack of motivation when it comes to some activities, especially those that demand him to take charge.

Leona does appear to experience feelings of worthlessness, though perhaps not excessive or inappropriate guilt. In fact, I would wager Leona does not demonstrate the latter, although this could be attributed to the fact that we are not in his head and he does not open up to others about his feelings. For example, we still don't know what his feelings are on almost killing Ruggie in a fit of rage. This does not discredit this criterion though, as the wording in the DSM is “feelings of worthlessness OR […] guilt” meaning one or the other suffices. It is no secret that Leona seeks recognition for his skills—something he was denied as a child and even put down for. While he is aware of his strengths, he has moments when he doubts himself (stating that he can’t change, or giving up when he realizes his plans won’t work so what’s the point in trying?), the contributions he can make (even when his older brother reassures him he can help their country), and encouragement from others (Jack telling him his play inspired him).

As I've said before, Leona does not have a diminished ability to think or concentrate. It has been shown to us time and time again that he doesn't do schoolwork not for lack of trying or lack of understanding, but because he thinks of himself as above it. Leona has already been tutored by the finest teachers royal money can buy, so he believes there is not much else for him to learn. He is also not shown to be indecisive--he can make decisions very quickly and can guide others or at least convince them to go along with him.

Leona does not have suicidal ideation or have recurring thoughts of committing suicide/death. While it's true that this is a game rated for ages 4+ (and therefore has restrictions on what content is and is not allowed in it), TWST has demonstrated to us that there are ways to imply suicidal ideation and other dark themes without explicitly saying it. (One notable example is Idia in late book 6, where he drops lines like "I'll go with you" and expresses dissatisfaction with "this world" to Ortho, who is known to be dead. To this, Ortho reassures him and encourages him to keep living. In fact, I could go on a whole tangent about how Idia better fits the criteria for major depressive disorder, but we're not going to get into that here.) The fact that TWST does not really imply this about Leona makes me think this is not true of him.

It can be said that the symptoms Leona does have are clinically significant, as his behavior is shown to have significant impact on his studies to the point where he was held back a grade. This was not because he did not know the material, but because he failed to find the motivation to attend class and to do his assignments. It also appears that Leona didn't really make an effort to work toward his future until book 7, when he actually talks his internship plans and about wanting to graduate.

We may guess that the symptoms persisted for two weeks or more (given Leona’s history and involvement in the main story), but the frequency of the symptoms is unclear since the game controls what we see of Leona and what we don’t.

Taking all of that into consideration, Leona does in fact exhibit depressive symptoms, but only 3 at most (I say “at most” because we have no idea about the true frequency at which some behaviors occur; we aren’t with Leona 24/7, nor has he reported it to us) out of the 8 total criteria. That’s 2 short of a diagnosis.

“But wait, there’s a lot of information missing here! We don’t have medical records, his weight and appetite changes, etc.” That’s true—but see, the main issue I take with diagnosing fictional characters in the first place is that we oftentimes do not know a character in detail enough to understand the full scope of their lives and symptoms. Noticing a few details is one thing and valid to an extent, but to evaluate an individual is not purely observational. This is particularly true for TWST characters, as even though there is plenty of content to refer back to for behavior, there is still a lack of really going into daily activities or deep feelings (beyond the one post-OB flashback for the OB boys). We cannot observe their behavior extensively. Because of this, tons of key criteria may not be visible to us from the audience’s perspective, let alone a medical history or other data to consider for assessment. We will almost always have an incomplete profile of a fictional character. Health is holistic and not entirely based on what we as individuals see or on all anecdotal evidence.

Just as health considers all parts of the individual, we, too, must consider individual cases of depression. It is possible for depression to exist without a diagnosis—many people (especially older adults), unfortunately, go undiagnosed for their condition. At the same time, it is possible for Leona to have depression which manifests in an atypical way. Each person with depression presents differently than the last, so I so not intend to make any blanket statements about the general population with this condition. The only statement I am making here is that based on my own interpretation of the current lore TWST has granted is, Leona Kingscholar does not satisfy the criteria for a formal clinical diagnosis, at least not for major depressive disorder as is defined by the DSM-5-TR.

Interestingly, Leona does fit the diagnostic criteria for a subclinical form of depression in a 1994 version of the DSM (IV). Minor depression or minor depressive disorder, colloquially known as “everyday depression”, is defined as having 2–4 depressive symptoms persisting for more than 2 weeks. One of these symptoms must be either depressed mood or loss of interest. It should be noted that this terminology is no longer recognized, as new information is added and dropped from the manual all the time. The information is flexible based on the consensus of a panel of hundreds of experts. Older versions of the DSM can be horribly outdated and it is not advised to reference them over newer ones. (As an example, "homosexuality" was legitimately listed as a mental illness in the very first version of the DSM. Yikes. Thankfully, this was dropped from the DSM-II. Other conditions like "multiple personality disorder" are granted new names like "dissociative identity disorder" or reworked altogether as our studies and understanding of mental health and science improve. It is important to keep up with the research coming out and update our approaches accordingly.)

We do not currently have a label for Leona’s situation aside from perhaps experiencing depressive episodes (periods of notable sadness lasting under 2 weeks) and exhibiting some depressive symptoms. I must stress that just because we lack a full-blown diagnosis, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t impact his life. Leona is shown to very clearly be struggling with his mental health. He spends a lot of time in bed, typically cannot be motivated to attend class or do complete assignments, and has moments where he thinks very lowly of himself in spite of the confidence he exudes to others. What's more is that because Leona does not speak to others about what he's going through, it comes off as laziness or arrogance to his peers. Think of it this way: if you have a bad day and snap at a stranger or an acquaintance, the stranger/acquaintance is far less likely to grant you grace or forgiveness for your behavior compared to, say, a friend. They are not as familiar with you, so they will have less patience and are less likely to consider what you may be going through on a personal level. This also applies on a fandom level; if a fan is not actively reading between the lines, they, like Leona's peers, may miss the depressive symptoms he is displaying because they aren't looking for it. How many people can we say are close friends with Leona for him to open up to them about his circumstances? I would say Leona barely even lets his own dorm members be intimate enough with him to let them know about this part of himself. He has Savanaclaw backing him, but he probably does not talk to the mobs extensively. Ruggie is his errand boy, but I doubt Leona pours his heart out to him. And Jack is the newbie who did technically betray their dorm, so Leona might not trust him. Forget about people beyond his dorm. Even his family is not much better off; we've seen that Leona tends to brush off his brother's friendliness and attempts to make amends. There is no strong support system in place for him, which is tricky because Leona perpetuates it by keeping others at bay. In the light novel adaptation of book 2, Leona has an inner monologue about how he is afraid of letting others give him hope because it will encourage him to try again, only to fail another time. I imagine similar logic applies here; he is afraid of showing his vulnerable side because it might give him hope for change when he as late as book 6 expresses that he has given up on himself. I think that this is the detail about Leona most look to when they consider his mental health. The hallmark of depression is, after all, the feeling of perpetual sadness and despair itself. Most do not realize that other factors are considered.

From a clinical lens, it is not “obvious" that Leona is depressed. However, I understand why the prevailing sentiment tends to skew in the opposite direction. For the layman, it may be difficult to distinguish what is and is not clinically significant enough to warrant an actual diagnosis. Again, most will cite the same three pieces of information to support the depression reading: Leona's irritability, his unwillingness to participate, and the rejection he experienced as a child (which has now manifested as self-doubt and low self-esteem). Characters are often judged based on fans' own experiences, and this naturally comes with biases and subjectivity. Thus, some fans may project their own understanding or preconceived notions of what the "typical" depressed person acts like in their head onto Leona. This is normal human empathy at play. I believe that other fans see depression in Leona either because they experience it themselves or are familiar with someone in the same shoes. It can be difficult, and at times we can find solace and solidarity in fiction, especially if we find a character that “speaks to us” and seems relatable. That character may be Leona for some people. If you see do see him in this light or relate to his situation, I’m not invalidating your feelings. On the contrary, I'm happy that you were able to find comfort in him and that a piece of media you love can serve as a coping mechanism. You keep on doing you!

It is at this point that I will reiterate what I said at the start with a little extra nuance: I do not think Leona clinically depressed BUT I do believe he has depressive symptoms and poor mental health as the result of his cumulative circumstances. It is possible for him to have major depressive disorder, but we cannot determine this for certain with the information available to us right now. We are still missing several key components that would typically be considered in the evaluation process.

I think it's important to step back from focusing on labels and instead focus on the individual experience, and how you can still grow as a person and not let a perceived label define you. Leona is definitely working on himself! Changing, particularly changing a deeply ingrained mindset, takes much time and effort. We may not see the progress since Leona tends to hide it and/or we have limited intractions with him. We may not always see giant strides because the process is difficult. Even so, Leona is trying to jump over those mental and emotional hurdles. He's putting his all back into Magift/Spelldrive training. He's attending classes and doing the assignments. He's going home for the holidays. He has an internship planned. He wants to graduate. I've enjoyed following Leona's journey of growth and self-development and seeing all the intense discussion surrounding that. It all comes from a place of love and wanting to support the characters we care about, no matter how we may individually view him.

255 notes · View notes

infiniteko · 5 months

Note

There's not many youtubers or coaches who talks about the Truth. The "Gurus" like charging 200$/300$ after coaching just to tell you sit n affirm. Or the most they'll give you some tapes .

But why nobody or very very less "people" gets it is very amusing to me. I am in this community for last 2 yrs. Searched+ read + applied + persisted everything I know how does it feel.

DO NOT FOLLOW EVERY TECHNIQUE, I WAS SUCCESSFUL IN EVERYTHING I TRIED BECAUSE I WAS GOING BEYOND CONCEPTS IN ALL THOSE LOATT,LOASS DAYS. My crave to know more lends me to " " & I'm extremely grateful for myself. I love me. I persist in all the things I desire to know and therefore I'm here realising THAT ,the self.

There's no reason why you shouldn't know the BASE ,, ,, know it then apply it n watch what happens.

Toodles...

Will be Back with Millions of "Success Stories" for the HUMANS. For me I don't call it Success Stories it's Normal.

personally, i've always had an issue with """"coaches"""" charging outrageous prices like $300 for a few EMAILS because it felt to me like they are taking advatange of people who are in desperate situation. $300 is insane, i'm sorry😵‍💫

Before tumblr, we were asked a lot of times on Instagram why we don't charge anything and it's because 1. we are not coaches 2. we don't want to. We could charge something but what is the point of doing that if we received our pointers through free sources ourselves?🤔

We are not teaching you anything new, these are just reminders🤷🏻🧠

imo, i once said it and will say it again, if you ever see someone charging high as hell prices, run.. they will NOT teach you anything you don't already know deep down and that is not already online for FREE 😭 even $10 is too much to pay for something that is (again) AVAILABLE FOR FREE.

Charging $300 for a few emails and tapes that are sold to be "custom" to each customer but in reality aren't, is pure greed and insanity. Idk how any of those "coaches" can sleep good at night🤣

Yes, i know, there are "teachers" like Rupert Spira or Swami Sarvapriyananda who charge something for in-person lectures and in my humble opinion, even i would pay for it because 1. they have very comfortable voices 2. they take time to answer questions from the crowd 3. they put effort into what they are teaching 4. they sit there for HOURS to teach & answer questions + Rupert Spira's books / audio books that are so well written and spoken.

but who am i to talk, it's all ~seemingly~ happening👁️

#advaita vedanta #awareness #nondualism #nonduality #brahman #atman #consciousness #desired reality #nothingness #reality shifting

46 notes · View notes

olderthannetfic · 2 months

Note

A lot of these discussions about colonizer romance or slave fantasies or similar just feel like the race version of the way certain feminists keep wringing their hands about rape fantasies and the “problem” of them. Like, sure, there are certainly people in the “privileged” group in question who enjoy those in the more “problematic” way that might speak to something concerning about how they view any real-life partners or sex (“might” being a key word here)… for instance, the slavery isekai anime trend seems to be most popular with gross dudes who really do think having a slave woman who waits on you hand and foot and also has sex with you is desirable and wish they could have that irl. But I think the bigger reason these “problematic” fantasies persist is that a lot of people in the equivalent “marginalized” group also really like it in their own ways. They like eroticizing that experience that is so troubling irl. It’s clear some of the people who like these “colonizer” romances are colonized people just as a lot of women love rape fantasies.

Idk, I don’t think the discussion is as simple as saying that what porn or romance you are into has *zero* effect on your IRL sexuality. I think it’s hard to argue that if you’re getting off to something a lot, it doesn’t impact the rest of your life in at least some way, the brain doesn’t draw firm walls around these things— and there’s just the objective fact every young straight woman I’ve known has observed that a lot of younger straight guys have had their expectations of women and sex warped by the unrealistic stuff they’re seeing in porn. But I think like with any other “how does the media affect us?” question: it’s almost never an exact 1:1. Different media deals with these topics differently, and even the same media can affect different people different ways, or even the same person different ways at different points in their life. That’s the issue with “anti”-style thinking, not that fiction can never affect real life. It’s that it’s never as simple as just making a list of bad things no one can like. One person’s trash is another’s treasure and v.v., and what can be irredeemable hateful garbage to one person can be cathartic to another. Just like how the kinks that your abuser used to justify abusing you can be used by another person as their lifeline to help them enjoy sex again after abuse. Rape fantasies or racial fantasies that may seem objectively bad when framed around how privileged people view them… well, that’s not the only framing (and maybe we should stop centering privileged people all the damn time?)

So like even aside from the fact that “colonizer romance” does not have a single objective definition and that people are putting a wide swath of stuff into that label, and it should be used as the start rather than end of a conversation… are we even sure that everyone is coming at it from the POV of the colonizer? Are more people really viewing themselves as John Smith or as Pocahontas? And so when looked at that way, isn’t it really more another version of the eternally-popular-among-women “I can change/fix him!” narrative? (Which itself can be critiqued, particularly in how often patriarchal media sells that to women and why… but that’s a different conversation from the usual “colonizer romance” conversation.)

Or maybe some people are just inherently drawn to cross-cultural romances in general, and those people also like ones that don’t have a colonizing aspect to them?

Like, there’s a lot to unpack here that isn’t in these conversations. We can’t just make this the new buzzword, thought-terminating cliche.

29 notes · View notes

ikemenomegas · 10 months

Note

so since you said before in a previous post that satoru is basically always possessive and is the most jealous person and in another post, he'd act clingy towards you in public or something along those lines, when he feels jealous. say, he's around his students and sees someone persistently flirting with his alpha, would he show his jealousy in that moment or would he wait for a more private moment?

Gojo gets a little more reasonable as he gets older so that's at least one thing in your favor😅. Yeah, his life of entitlement makes him jealous and possessive and he has a terrible sense of "personal boundaries" because his are always up. So even though it's really not socially acceptable, he will get in your and anyone else's space if he wants to or feels the need.

When the situation allows, Satoru will indulge in a playful expression of his inclination to jealousy and possessiveness. However, the question you ask is pretty broad...

If it's just some stranger and you don't realize this other person is flirting, having the students around to witness Satoru's moods only holds him back or changes the way he's going to expresses his feelings, it wouldn't stop him as long as it's not deadly serious. (... look at the very cringe worthy violin teacher bit)

If it's something a little more uncomfortable, like you know this stranger is flirting and can't get away from it, Satoru has no issue being rude to people in public and the students know he's like this, so he'll steer you away or casually guide an encumbrance into the way so you have an opening to leave. (He would call you from across the street and be obvious about it haha). He might bribe or convince the students to help stage a distraction/intervention. He once sent a very young Megumi to pose as your implied son and fetch you back.

If it's necessary for you to talk to this person, maybe for business purposes, and he realizes they're flirting, he will wait until you get what you came for or let you deal with it yourself. If he's hurt at all by your inability or unwillingness to stop this person from flirting with you but is in a delicate situation, he will wait until you get home to maybe go a little feral. He dislikes that he wants the reassurance, but he is more likely to want it. If he can though, he'll melt and pout all over you right away and you should take him out for a quick ice cream or dinner.

If it's another sorcerer and tied in with clan politics, that's where Satoru is really good at walking a line where he can say something that looks normal written down, but everyone in the vicinity understands that this is Gojo-sama, the Six-Eyes user, the strongest sorcerer, and you do not lay hands or eyes on his mate, you do not assume that his having an alpha in any way changes his position in the clan structure, and you do not offer disrespect by association in approaching his alpha with an intention towards seduction.

Also, I feel like I'm not saying this well so I do want to clarify that (the way I try to write the typical au characters), Gojo doesn't act jealous or possessive because of a lack of trust or "ownership" in the objectifying sense. The more obnoxious part is that it's more about having your attention - if it's on someone else, it's not on him. He knows that alpha would not cheat on him, but he also has human emotions - he's just really bad at behaving in a socially acceptable manner about them. Admittedly, it never feels great when someone is implying that they could steal your partner.

Idk his "jealousy" is hard to explain because it doesn't come from a place of insecurity, it has nothing to do with a lack of trust, it has to do with Satoru being an unreasonable demigod who's used to acting on emotions in the moment when he can get away with it, but also because he knows you could walk away because he'd let you. That's one rule he's always subconsciously stuck to - he's not going to force you to stay. Yes, he's always had everything he can physically ask for, but Satoru has been forced into a lot of things his entire life.

He never outright manipulates anybody (in the way of setting up situations to back someone into a corner. If they let him know who they are, he's going to use that information but that's not as dark as it could get). He refuses to actually play politics in general. He's remarkably innocent in the way he relies on earnestness and the threat of potential obliteration as his tools to get things done, they're pretty honest all things considered.

So he's not going to blame or criticize, he's not going to yell or belittle or go all creepy possessive on you. His public persona makes it seem like he would do these things regardless of who's around, but we've seen repeatedly that Satoru is painfully, remarkably rational, almost to the point where he'll lay aside any personal feelings about a situation if it makes sense to do so. He acts out when he can, but it's seldom as chaotic as the higher ups seem to think it is. I guess what I'm saying is he's got boundaries and rules that he follows, it's just that the lines are so far away from what most people experience, this makes him look completely unhinged and he plays this up because when people expect unpredictability from him, it's so far played to his advantage.

#jjk #gojo satoru #omegaverse #ask answered #alpha!reader #from the margins #writing this made me think a creepier more yandere version of Gojo would be fun to write #it's just that's not what's going on in the “my younger years” fic chain #so I hope this illuminated a little of how I think of gojo as I write the fics in this au #btw between the two of them getou is much worse when it comes to this behavior XD #getou knows he's a catch and wouldn't have to work hard to get rid of competition #but he's also used to feeling human and straight up comes off more normal which makes his actual actions seem worse #and if he has to work hard for this it means trouble #io.myy #io.omegas

81 notes · View notes

leon-on-the-froggy-chair · 5 months

Text

this is just a leon on the froggy chair lore post. not a vent at all, just a silly story i felt like sharing. feel free to ignore.

cw: mentions of homophobia/transphobia, that kinda stuff

So lemme set the stage, i was still in school and it was the start of the 2nd semester. And we come out of the school to old men with megaphones in our faces screaming at us calling us homphobic and transphobic slurs. Parading signs littered with radicalist religious propaganda. Essentially shaming those with mental health issues, disabilities, anyone LGBTQ+, women, non white people, "good people"??? (Idk it was on their sign that said BEWARE HELL AWAITS), and anyone not Christian. Quickly figured out they were literal cultists and their main guy was some ugly ass old man with a megaphone.

Law enforcement show up as with school security and school officials. Guess what they do? Thats right. Nothing. See technically it was public property and law permitted these people to yell in the face of minors, condemn them for their identity and threaten them with Hell. And they did nothing and anyone making attempts to counteract them was quickly shut down.

Now this just sounds awful. Because it frankly was. And what could I do about it?

Let me preface with saying this behavior was incredibly stupid esp since i live in a conservative area and I am visibly queer and bROWN. And I wouldn't encourage it. I was not in the best place mentally and frankly didnt give a shit LMAO.

So.

Naturally. With security in my face telling me off for what I was doing and a multitude of white men screaming bigoted rhetoric at me and my friends. I made a sign out of stapled papers in my bag. With a huuuuuuge PP on it. I made several small ones for those who saw and wished to accompany my effort. And I set up right across from them. Because the law that protected them technically protected me.

And see, thanks to my theater kid background, i have MAAAAD vocal projection. And law prohibits ceetain volumes on megaphones. So I preached very loudly, over the megaphone, about how I would clap their God's cheeks so hard they'd hear it through the thunderclaps. And then proceeded to go on about what I would commit upon their holy saints in great explicit detail for an hour. The absurdity of my behavior interrupted their script and they could not get their message out whatsoever. And I know this because when outlets and other students tried to report on what propaganda they were yelling about, no one knew. This routine proceeded for the next week. And quickly their main guy started specifically targetting me. Naturally. My response is to flame him on his clothing choices every time he tries to shame me and shout the lyrics to the big time rush theme. Until I was eventually pulled away because he showed signs of aggression to my statements but yeah. Over the course of 2 weeks and persistent trolling I had discouraged them rather noticeably. Their faces of visible annoyance upon seeing me set up right across from them with my infamous penis sign was truly a treat. And the time they spent in front of the school got shorter and shorter each time they showed up.

Was it annoying? Yeah.

Was it funny as fuck?

Yeah.

This of course. Reached the mayor. And this brings me to why I'm even typing this up. I came back across this video of my local mayor talking shit about me and remarking upon my behavior as crude LMAO. Stating: "back in my day i wasnt even a good kid but i wouldve never talked to an adult that way." In reference to police recording of me being "highly disrespectful" to the main guy when he got in my face. However our mayor made no statement of concern about his aggression or about the cultists being there in general. Only complaint about the behavior of the "kids". Or in other words. Me.

I however was not discouraged and continued until the school finally stepped in under order of the guidance counselor (whomst i was close with from another protest at our school i was involved in. Lore for another time).

I didnt know this would be the last day they showed up. But after days of figuring out the timing to the song. I got in the car with my dAd (who was quite unaware of everything) and blasted 4 big guys. Timing it so they would be subjected to the beat drop and first verse.

But yeah. Funny shit. Most memorable moment of my highschool career. Havent seen em since.

Eventually after things cleared up, a smaller christian community group made their own protest that was supportive of lgbtq+ kids and gave out free hot chocolate. So the community is not all bad.

#leon on the froggy chair lore #i do not encourage anyone to replicate my behavior but i support you if you do LMAO #i am recognized for doing this lmao #not exposing the name of the cult for safety but they were originally based in LA apparently and i am very much not in LA lmao

22 notes · View notes

sparkle-d · 2 years

Text

waiting game | daniel ricciardo

pairing: daniel ricciardo x you

summary: in which you switch your phone with daniel's without knowing

tags: falling in love; chatting and messages; kind of enemies to friends to lovers

warnings: insecure reader; f!reader; dumb people

chapter: 4/?

(you: blue/ daniel: orange)

✧.* tag list: @bloodyvalentine93 @organasith @verstappens-hat @idkiwantchocolatee @landhoe @theplobnrgone @iamasimpingh0e @chiliwhore @buendiabebeta @icecoldtiress @holy-macncheese-balls @caosfanblr @cxliforniadream @calmleclerc @hannahholland1811

chapter 4 - beginning

hot stuff said: oh shit

hot stuff said: i just cut my thumb really badly

hot stuff said: don’t ask how

ma fraise said: how.

hot stuff said: i was shaving my hand…

ma fraise said: at the same time that i want to know why you were shaving your hand i’m a little scared to ask

hot stuff said: to have soft hands what else would it be

ma fraise said: idk you are "“kinky

hot stuff said: w-wht

With the blink of an eye, your vacations have come to an end.

You didn’t do anything special with your free time, aside from enjoying your own company and watching the most chick flicks you could. Even with the amount of movies and young adult series you’ve been binge watching, you still have a single and persisting thought inside your brain. You had a conversation with hot stuff a few days ago, the one he mentions about fancying you, at least that’s how you interpreted his text.

This continues to make you wonder between yes, he made a move on you and no, you’re being delusional. You like hot stuff, his company and to talk with him during your days and nights, but you can’t put your mind to believe that he would find you attractive. Maybe this is the way friends joke around with each other and you’re not used to it because your two best friends are more like your brothers and they would never do something like that.

It makes you confused.

You didn’t mention this to your best friends because 1. you felt weird about commenting on this kind of stuff with them, when you normally have nothing to comment about so you just don’t talk about it with them. And 2. they know who hot stuff is, and exposing that he made such a move on you is embarrassing.

Pierre and Charles have no filter in this matter, they always mention to you about their partners, people they hook up with and it’s so normal to you, you don’t even mind it anymore. But thinking about opening up about it to them when the issue is on your side, it’s different. They wouldn’t do anything to make you feel ashamed of it, but they definitely would lecture you about not being innocent and naive about things. They would want to protect you like they always do.

The truth is, you never felt desired.

You actually never gave the opportunity for anyone to see you with different eyes; you always tried to hide yourself from everyone, if someone turned heads on you, you would assume they were thinking badly about you. Well, and you’re probably right.

“You’re the ugliest out of all of us.”

You grew up in this reality - the reality that every single cell in your body is hideous. Your hair sometimes covers most of your face, leaving only a small gap for your eyes to pop out. Your skin feels too hot against your palms, making you think that your touch is feverish. The lines on your face are too deep and that makes you not smile too much, not that you’re someone who often gives away smiles out of nowhere, anyways.

You never felt beautiful.

When Charles and Pierre became your best friends, the friendship started because they never cared about your appearance. They never judged you for the way you’re, the way you look, or the way you dress - Pierre and Charles never tried to change you. Even though you are a very hard person to have around, in your opinion.

They came into your life and never left.

Your best friends could have anyone around them, they easily make friends without problem. But there’s something they share with you, they’re very anxious people. With you, Charles and Pierre have nothing to worry about. They always say you are a very sincere person, you never lie to them, never hide things from them and would never replace them with someone new.

You feel the same for the both of them, and as years went by, you noticed that now they understand you. They understand that you don't like crowded places, that you like the silence and being alone. Well, you like to be alone with them, mostly. You enjoy watching chick flicks with your best friends, especially because even when things don’t work out in the beginning, in the end, everything is worth it.

Sometimes you need some positivity inside your brain.

Maybe you should start to believe more in yourself.

—

Charles takes off the protection on your ears, patting on your shoulders “Oh, I’ve missed having you around.” He gives you a smile, side hugging you “I didn’t see you arrive at the garage today.”

“I got late this morning, you know, I got used to watching the races from my television, so I did not calculate correctly the time I needed to get ready and get here.” You arrived at the paddock late, a coffee in one hand and another holding your notebooks and papers “I ran immediately to check in if everything was right.”

“I bet they are.” Charles says as if you would let him drive in a car that wasn’t in a perfect and safe state “Want to check in with Pierre? I haven’t seen him either and you will go there anyways.”

You nod, checking one last time if everything is okay, making sure you can relax a bit with your friends “Yeah, I was about to head there.”

Sometimes you can’t turn off your brain from being focused on the race, but being anxious and worried about everything all the time is the ‘you’ that you want to change a little inside.

If Charles, who is racing later on, is okay with hanging out with his friends, you can do it too.

Pierre gives you and Charles the biggest of smiles, waving as he sees you - acting like he hasn’t seen you in years when in fact you had dinner together yesterday. Having them with you during race weeks, hanging out around the garages and smelling the oil and burnt tyres in the air, makes you nostalgic.

This was your childhood, and things didn’t change at all. It makes you feel warm in your heart.

You only notice that Pierre isn’t alone when you’re too close to run away from it.

“Oh my god, yeah, you’re a Ferrari member.” Pierre shouts at you, touching your Ferrari uniform - looking like a couple of tomatoes with Charles “Red looks good on you, lucky you went working with Charles and left me alone.”

You can’t concentrate on whatever Pierre and Charles are starting an argument on, something about you having a preference for Charles and making Pierre feeling lonely, when in fact you used to share beds with Pierre and leave Charles to sleep on the ground when you were younger.

Your attention is completely on the man in front of you smiling, looking like the menace he is because he knows his presence annoys you, he annoys you - and he likes it. He likes to see your cheeks turning redder as you try to avoid his stare, leaving your shyness as a view he enjoyed seeing.

“So baby girl is a Ferrari staff.” Daniel leans closer to you and bumps your shoulder with his “I didn’t know you were working here, thought you were only friends with these two.”

You open your mouth to retort Daniel, but when you look up at him, you notice he’s having fun with your embarrassment. Your cheeks are getting a tint of red so bright, anyone around the paddock could notice it. Is this how Rudolph feels? You let out a breath and decide to put your mind in its right place. You shouldn’t feel ashamed or anything, when in fact is Daniel the one saying embarrassing things.

You can deal with it.

“That’s only my part time job, my full time job is being an engineer.” You reply the most simple thing you can think of, if your interaction with him ends fast, it’s easier for you.

“This means I will have you around more.” Daniel grins, as if he has won something, when in fact there’s nothing to win here “I knew I should’ve known who you are, you’ve always been with these two.”

“Thank you for making it more evident that my presence is unnoticeable.” You give him a fake smile, crossing your arms, you don’t want to talk with him, but you stay beside him.

“Not at all, I think your presence is very noticeable.” He winks, but you are not in the mood, especially because you didn’t know you would see him around today “You’re mysterious and that intrigues me.”

You look at him, not getting what he means by that, but when you are about to ask it, Charles speaks louder.

“She’s happier when YOU win.” Charles says, his tone a little louder as the discussion with Pierre got heated, bringing your attention back to your best friends.

“Well, you win all the time, of course she’s happier when I end up winning.” Pierre shrugs. They aren’t serious about this discussion, but they’re using real arguments on this. Pierre is right, you made a fuss when he won, of course you did it for Charles every time he won, but with Pierre you even cried.

Well, you cried on Charles' first win too.

Charles snorts “She works with me, she shouldn’t be happier with your wins, dumbass.”

“Are you trying to get me fired, Charles?” You say, but your voice comes out almost like a whisper and you giggle in the end, to make sure anyone notices you’re just joking.

“Do they always fight for you like this?” Daniel crosses his arms, interested in all of the dynamics with your best friends.

“They aren’t fighting…” You try to say, but your voice again fails you and it comes out too weak “They are just messing around.”

“I’m on Charles’ side, I think you’re favoriting Pierre in your actions.” Daniel simply says, mocking you with his tone. You don’t want him to meddle in, to have an opinion or a side. You aren’t close to him, you barely know him. Until a couple of weeks ago he didn’t even know your name.

“Thank you.” Charles says “She even has a tradition with Pierre before every race. Me? Nothing.”

You beg with your eyes for Charles to shut up, but the person you didn’t want to notice is the one that notices first. Daniel lets out a loud laugh, going back to your eyes and staring at them. This time you try to not break the stare, and try to pierce him with your glare.

Pierre looks at you side by side with Daniel, only noticing now how close you two are “Are you friends now?” He raises an eyebrow, and Charles immediately does the same.

“I wouldn’t call it like that.”

“We are building up our friendship.” You and Daniel speak at the same time, exchanging looks as the answers are not on the same side “Don’t be jealous, I’m not trying to be her best friend, just a friend.”

Daniel bumps into you again and you snort, but wanting to leave a smile at the thought. Not that you like the idea of being Daniel’s friend when you’re always bothered by him. But having a new friend, of any type, is something new to you. Charles and Pierre have been trying for years for you to open up to new people, and now someone is there willing to destroy your walls and share a space with your best friends.

Charles looks at Pierre and they exchange a look that you can’t comprehend what it means, maybe they are indeed jealous of you. They don’t need to be, no one will ever replace them inside your heart.

“Anyways, I think it’s time for us to prepare ourselves.” Charles finally says it, looking around and notices everyone in the garage is wrapping things up “Just do your thing with Pierre and let’s leave.”

The tradition you have with Pierre is that you always close his racewear, for good luck. Pierre puts his overalls on his shoulders and you zip them up, tapping his chest in the end. You give Pierre a kiss on his cheek and wish him good luck, and do the same with Charles, so he won’t have such a pout on his face. His expression lights up immediately, the least thing you would want is for one of your friends to feel left out.

“And me?” Daniel says, showing his left cheek to you and standing still.

Pierre and Charles are watching Daniel waiting for your kiss. You look at them as if they were crazy, almost laughing on Daniel’s face. Why would you kiss his cheek? Why would he ask you for it in the first place? It’s not like you’re uncomfortable with it, but you aren’t leaving kisses everywhere you go.

“I would rather die, Daniel.” You answer, if Daniel has no shame in asking for a kiss, you shouldn’t feel ashamed to answer him like that. He deserves it.

“Ouch, you’re in a bad mood today cupcake?”

“For you my mood is always bad.” You say. Daniel seems to be having fun with this, and it infuriates you even more.

hot stuff said: how do you know if you’re into someone?

hot stuff said: i think i might be-

ma fraise said: what?

ma fraise said: falling in love?

ma fraise said: kdfjgnsdfkj

hot stuff said: this sounds so boring omg

hot stuff said: falling in love and etc

hot stuff said: but yeah something like it ig…

(prev chap // next chap)

#daniel ricciardo #f1 #daniel ricciardo fanfic #f1 imagine #f1 x you #formula 1 #daniel ricciardo x reader #daniel ricciardo x you #f1 fic #abi #awriting #wg

198 notes · View notes

ggwritesstuff · 2 years

Text

Make Me Purple || 2

pairing: elvis presley x fem!reader/austin!elvis x fem!reader

warnings: kinda angsty?? idk. discussions of parental issues, trust issues, pregnancy, mixed feelings about having kids, brief allusion to the smut from part one. elvis is a total simp

a/n: so it took weeks but i am finally here with inspiration to continue! it’s a little short but this is necessary to advance the plot bc im def making this a series type thing but tbh i am just figuring out the plot as i go LOL

As a child of parents in a loveless marriage, you never had an idea of what love really was. In fact, your parents’ relationship opened your eyes to see what you didn’t want.

And then came Elvis.

Before you met, you had been vehemently against the idea of marriage, and the mere thought of ever having children made you want to go back in time and prevent your own conception.

But the years went on, and Elvis became a more prominent figure in your life. He had always found your views on marriage and family very cynical, but he had never tried to change your opinion. Rather, he devoted himself to become the man you’d make the exception for. He wanted his personality, his charm and his actions to speak for him; to show you that he was worthy of your trust.

It took some time. It took years, actually; but his patience and persistence prevailed. The two of you had been invited to a friend’s wedding and that seemed to have flipped the switch for you. Once you told Elvis about your changing feelings on the matter, he wasted no time going out and buying the most gorgeous, shimmering diamond ring he could find. Next thing you knew, you were walking along a Hawaiian beach at sunset and Elvis pulled out that ring.

And here you are now.

Mrs. Presley.

Mrs. ‘I won’t put a child through what I went through.’

Here you were, anxiously pacing around the hotel bathroom as a pregnancy test sat on the counter. You could have sworn time itself was mocking you, making each second an agonizingly slow one.

You reflected on the night that lead you here, mentally scolding yourself for allowing you to get so caught up in the heat of the moment. But for a moment, the words Elvis had said that night echoed through your ears and your heart fluttered. The way his voice sounded when he choked out those fateful words, “Gonna make me a daddy, angel?”. The sound of his voice choking on your precious nickname as his hips frantically stuttered in you. For just a flash of a moment, you almost hoped that you fulfilled his wish.

In the midst of your pacing, you caught a glimpse of the test in your peripheral vision. Taking in a deep breath to calm your nerves as much as possible, you walked up to the counter. Your heart was pounding so fast you were sure it would leap right out of your chest if it could. Almost hesitantly, you look down at the test.

Two opaque, baby pink lines.

You were stunned. That brief moment in which you hoped you fulfilled Elvis’s wish was a distant memory. With the test in hand, you leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor.

Ever since you were old enough to form an opinion on children, you swore up, down, left and right that you would never bring a child into this world. A world filled to the brim with hurt, despair and uncertainty. A world in which it’s own mother could never fully, genuinely trust to raise a child in.

It wasn’t that you didn’t trust Elvis. The man bent over backwards to prove himself worthy of being trusted in the first place. You just couldn’t trust the world around you, try as you might. There were too many variables that could throw everything off balance.

Anxious thoughts barraged your brain, meanwhile Elvis slept soundly just a few feet away. Snores permeated the barrier between the bedroom and the bathroom and you heard the faint shuffle of the fabric bedsheets as your husband stirred in his sleep. It wasn’t until the doorknob turned that you realized he had woken up.

“The hell are you doin in here at this hour? Come back to-“ Elvis grumbled sleepily as the door opened, his eyes widened and woke up instantly when he saw the pregnancy test sitting next to you on the floor. His features softened and he crouched down to your level, taking your hand in his and grabbing the test in the other. He graced his thumb in small circles on the back of your hand as he inspected the test. His eyes lit up instantly upon the realization. “You- you’re pregnant?” He questioned, his voice dripping with hope.

Still reeling from all of the emotions and thoughts going through your head, you mustered up the best fake smile you could and nodded wordlessly. Elvis didn’t buy it. His brows furrowed with confusion and a hint of what seemed like fear twinkled in his eyes. “What is it?”.

You shook your head as tears started to brim. “I just- I don’t know. It’s a lot. There’s too much that can go wrong, and- and I don’t know how to be a mom and I-“

“Hey, no. None of that, now, alright?” Elvis interrupted your barely coherent babbling, taking your face into his hands and wiping stray tears from your cheeks. “You think I’ve got even the slightest on how to be dad?” He said with a light chuckle. “Honey, I- I know you’ve been through a lot, but I cross my heart- I ain’t gonna let our baby go through what you went through.” He assured you sweetly. That little flutter in your chest made another appearance at his kind words.

“I know, I think I’m just overwhelmed right now, it’s a lot to take in.” You admitted.

“Let’s go back to bed, honey.” Elvis slipped an arm under your knees and one around your back to carry you to bed, setting you down gently with a kiss to the top of your head. He slid under the comforter and pulled you into the safety of his arms, his hand drifted down to your lower abdomen and traced shapes into your skin.

You laid in a comfortable silence with him, the sound of his lips against your shoulder the only audible noise. You were barely even an hour into your pregnancy and Elvis already couldn’t keep his hands off of your stomach. As he was falling asleep, both of his hands rested on it in a protective manner. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t think that was the most precious thing in the world. There was never a doubt in your mind that Elvis loved you with every fiber of his being. While you still had your doubts about your newfound status in parenthood, you managed to quiet them down enough for you to relax a bit, allowing his subtle snores to lull you to sleep.

#elvis presley #austin butler #elvis 2022 #austin!elvis #elvis presley fic #elvis presley x reader #elvis x reader #elvis presley fluff #austin!elvis x reader #austin butler x reader #austin butler fluff #Make Me Purple #ggwritesstuff

256 notes · View notes

ectogeo-rebubbles · 15 days

Note

I have kind of a niche Garashir fic idea I want to write but I’ve never posted anything publicly before, so I am nervous. But I can’t seem to get over the idea? You’re one of my favorite fic writers, any advice? 💕🥺

Ooooh, you gotta try to write it!!! I always love to indulge my new ideas that are driving me insane as soon as I can hehe (because part of writing often has to be done after the initial idea no longer excites you quite the same way).

I like that you said it’s a niche idea, too! I do enjoy most of the common fanon tropes and worldbuilding, but it’s always so refreshing when people add something brand new to the Garashir body of literature. And the nicher and stranger the better, in my opinion!! One thing about writing something niche is that maybe it won’t get the same amount of attention as quickly as something that has broader appeal, HOWEVER... I can tell you from experience that when your niche stuff does find its audience (which may take patience and persistence) that audience will likely go absolutely WILD for it. And I always find that very rewarding <3

Is the reason you haven't started yet because you don't quite know how to start? If that's the case, I would recommend writing an outline first. I even sometimes will outline really short oneshots lol, not because I think I really need to, but because that way i at least have a good record of my idea and ALSO because sometimes I can trick myself into just starting to write by taking notes on in outline format until I get to the part I'm REALLY excited about, at which point I realize I'm just writing full sentences instead of notes and I just let it flow from there and go back to fix the beginning later. XD You could also just try to summarize the plot for a friend, that often reveals to me where any structural issues are tripping me up, and identifies what I need to think about more before I set words down on the page.

Idk if you haven't written before or if you just haven't posted any of it, but I want you to know that a few years ago, when I was easing myself back into writing, I worked on writing like 3 or 4 different garashir fic ideas privately before I actually figured out which idea I wanted to write all the way to the end and actually post. Most of those first wips never got posted (and my wip graveyard is still massive and always growing lol) and that's for the best bc I either got bored of the idea or could not yet achieve the story in the way I wanted to. Which is NOT to tell you that this is inevitable or that you should let your inner editor shut you down, but I just want you to know that it's perfectly okay and normal to, like, have to noodle around a bit before you've written something you're happy with.

Speaking of your inner editor, you gotta tune them out while writing a first draft. Don't even worry if the sentence makes sense, just get the words out, and then get the next words out, and then the next... If there is something stopping you from writing the next sentence (a name you need to make up, or something you need to research, or uncertainty about what a character would be doing, or even if you are just blanking on a word) and you are trying to maintain a flow of writing, then write a note for yourself (e.g, "[insert title of a Cardassian novel here]" or "[Julian makes some kind of expression. Surprise? Anger? idk]" or "[synonym for sinister, bc I've used sinister three times this fic already]") and then MOVE ON. You can go back in and fill in those blanks later.

Also, I really really really really like the writing advice of thinking of your first draft as your worst draft or stupidest draft. It's so true and it helps take the pressure off. One related amazing thing about writing star trek fanfic is that if ever you begin to doubt yourself, you can just fondly think about a beloved episode of Star Trek where something very silly or buckwild happens in a very contrived way, and then remind yourself that people LOVE that episode anyway. This is a genuine way that I have reminded myself not to be so harsh on my own writing lmao.

I really working with beta readers, but I know that's not something everyone enjoys and it's def not required. Still, a beta reader can give feedback on your writing to make it clearer, and they'll likely become invested in your fic and will cheer you on, and if it’s longer than a oneshot you can have someone to talk it through with during the writing process. But it might be hard to find someone you work well with and everyone’s beta reading style is a lil different, so I recommend always being very clear about what kind of feedback you want from them (grammar/typos, plot structure, clarity, brainstorming ideas for how to fix this plothole, does this one specific line of dialogue work, etc! whatever aspects you are uncertain about and want help with for that specific fic). And you should know that it’s okay to not take someone's recommendations too, it’s ultimately your fic, so anyone giving you feedback should just be trying to help you achieve your own vision. Still, even in those cases where you don't go along exactly with their idea for what to change, knowing what parts confused them can help you figure out how to get your vision across more clearly.

If you think concrit might actually be demotivational and intimidating (totally get that, back in high school I actually solicited concrit on my fics publicly, as was the custom back then, and received some critiques from some truly well-meaning friends, and the experience STILL rattled me so bad that it turned me off writing for awhile), or if the process of finding someone to beta read sounds overwhelming, I’d recommend that you instead just find a trusted friend who is willing to read over the completed draft, with the understanding that they must simply give you a sanity check and then tell you yep that’s good! Cannot stress enough the power of encouragement and support and having someone hype you up. ^_^

If you are too nervous to post it under your own name, you can post it to the Anonymous collection on ao3. This is a reversible process, so if you want to reattach your username to your fic later then you can!

Anyway, feel free to send follow up questions about any of this or let me know if there's an aspect of writing I didn't mention that is what you're actually stuck on. I hope this helps and good luck and HAVE FUN! Have fun is actually the most important writing advice haha.

(P.S., anon, if you want me to beta read a draft of a oneshot or at least look over a chapter or two if it's multichapter, I am down to do so, just DM me. If not that's fine too, I'm just so so flattered that you reached out to me and I want to encourage you in any way I can! <3)

#asks

7 notes · View notes

dandylion-virtual-adventurer · 3 months

Text

My Outer Worlds posts aren’t getting much attention, but I’m still hyper focused on it (and the Vicar) so I thought I’d get my thoughts out about the game! Lots of words under the cut lol

I was interested when it was first revealed, but didn’t play it because I generally do not want to play in first person perspective. Without a toggle for third person, I pretty much checked out and didn't pay attention to anything about the game for a long time. I had tried it (years ago) during a game pass trial but did not make it into Edgewater. If I had, I firmly believe I would have played it so much sooner.

I picked it up for less than $10 a few months ago and finally played it this month. Boom. It’s my new obsession and it’s very, very sad to be so in love with something that no one seems to talk about anymore.

But anyway, here’s my thoughts on the game, admittedly rambly and not well put together:

First of all, I think it’s important to know that I have not played Fallout: New Vegas. In fact, I’ve only played Fallout 4. I became pretty obsessed with that game when I played it as well. But even still, not to the level that I am now with the Outer Worlds. I write all that to say that I wasn’t comparing this game to New Vegas, as so many other players were. I was, however, comparing it very much to Starfield.

This blog of mine sees me post a lot of Starfield photography and a lot of Sam Coe. But to be honest, the game was overall very disappointing to me. And I don't even actually like Sam that much. In fact, there are aspects about him I actively dislike lol. But he seemed to be the only option for me to romance in the game. (Barrett was my beloved gay uncle idk what to tell you lol).

I think The Outer Worlds succeeded in a lot of ways that Starfield failed. The most obvious way being the tightly crafted world. Starfield's randomly generated areas have nothing on the hand crafted environments of smaller titles, and feel so hollow in comparison. TOW was such a delight to explore in that way. It was always so exciting to land on a new planet or explore a new city. The scale is so much smaller, and I do wish it was bigger...more. But what is there, satisfied that itch of what I wanted adventuring into new alien worlds. It also offered up a better attempt at creating a new universe, in my opinion. I appreciate that Bethesda was trying to create something slightly more serious with their title, but I prefer the dark humor of Obsidian's new lore and more whimsical art direction, even if I feel the former wasn't nearly fleshed out enough. I deeply wish we knew more about other colonies and about the Earth our Captain left behind.

Gameplay wise, I never really did get over the first person thing. Since the game is relatively short compared to other open world RPG’s, at least half a dozen times a play session, I found myself attempting to toggle to a third person view. The persistent problem of the forced first person perspective throughout the entire experience was a constant grating annoyance. I simply do not like it. Especially in a world like this. It is so important for me to be able to see my character and it hugely took away from my experience that I could not. It's incredibly baffling that they included a character creator at all. Even more irritating, is that there are multiple quests about clothing, dressing up, and disguises. Sure would be nice to actually see yourself in that context, wouldn't it?? I also found it frustrating that the developers clearly understood people would want to take pictures in the world they created, but did not, and have never included a photo mode. It's written right there on the option to turn off the HUD. But no, no photo mode.

I don't have much to say about combat. I played on the easiest difficulty, again not being overly familiar with fps, and didn't have many issues. I enjoyed the companion commands and found them way more useful in combat scenarios than many other titles with followers. And how refreshing to be able to have more than one at a time! Their banter reminded me more of Dragon Age than Bethesda titles where it can feel somewhat lonely with a single follower. The dialogue between the Unreliable crew was a delight, but it seems to be the only real time you will get to see their personalities playing off one another, as there are very few moments where the whole cast is together. Admittedly, I still sometimes go out with just the Vicar ;)

And oh how that Vicar so quickly became beloved! I've never read fanfiction in my life, but here I am now. I just turned 30 last year and I'm scouring the internet for fics and fanart of this man. Lamenting the complete lack of merch. Is it any wonder? I definitely feel he's the most well explored character in the game. It's a pity I couldn't explore his body. Not only do I find him attractive and fun to have around, but by the end of his quest I felt a deeper connection to him, as I saw my own journey with deconstructing religion reflected in his story. Frankly, I felt most of the other characters' quests felt like afterthoughts in comparison, and I was hoping for a little more.

There are some other rough edges to the game for me as well. I was greatly aggravated by the level cap being sat at 36. I'm playing the og version with DLC installed. I had no idea it was coming and was frustrated I couldn't tweak the characters further. And of course, combat became a waste of time as it was no longer rewarding by mid to late game. I essentially played the entirety of Peril on Gorgon and the last few missions of the main campaign without earning a single shred of xp. I appreciate that I can take certain companions to boost my skills that I'm weak at, but preferred to take companions I liked and let my clothing do the supplemental work for us. Unfortunately this was a very tedious task without a load out system or any way to sort the armor by affect. One wonderful perk I must sing the praises of, however, is the ability to travel while over-encumbered! If only the map itself weren't so darn cumbersome! I never took on any flaws in my first playthrough, and think I'll save that for my low intelligence run, so I can't comment on that system. It did not look appealing to me while playing on easy.

One last thought before I sum up my opinions here. The DLC. Peril on Gorgon was fine. I'm disappointed I didn't get an Archibald Excelsior outfit for Max, but it's fine. I think it was a mistake to play it after Murder on Eridanos though... because I LOVED Murder on Eridanos. It felt bigger, more exciting. Different. It was such a blast to play and I think it stuck out to me more than any other part of the game.

The biggest complaints one can have with The Outer Worlds somewhat slink away when you remember the limited time and budget Obsidian had. I wanted more places to explore. I wanted more fleshed out world building and companions. I wanted a longer third act. A more satisfying conclusion. I admit, I hate that the crew drifted a part. Most of these things could be addressed in the sequel, but the fact that we won't get them for the Halcyon Colony and the Unreliable Crew saddens me to my core. If they add romance in the sequel, that would be wonderful. But if I won't be romancing Vicar Max then what's the point... *sigh*

Hey, maybe we can get a game where the Unreliable crew is reunited to solve another murder mystery?

Eh, it could happen.

#the outer worlds #my gaming thoughts #outer worlds #video games

10 notes · View notes

sebsxphia · 5 months

Note

Hey sebby angel,

I realized after I sent you the very rushed ask (more like statement, my apologies) about Jake being Lavender Haze coded, that I didn't explain anything. I dropped that thought and split like the devil(I was walking into work, but still).

So my thought: Jake Seresin is Lavender Haze coded (idk if anyone has thrown this thought around but I listened to Lavender Haze bc of a tik tok and that blonde himbo popped up into my head)

My reasoning:

I feel like Jake is from a well off Texas socialite family (oil money or something). He's always had these huge expectations on his shoulders. Go to college, get married, take over the business, and pop out an heir or two. Love doesn't matter, it's all business in the end.

That isn't Jake. While he feels like he's too young (he's just about a HS graduate here in this time line) for marriage and kids, he knows what he doesn't want. He doesn't want the stiff politeness his parents have. He doesn't want his potential children to fear seeking him out for anything. He doesn't go to his parents for anything. Instead of going to college he goes to the flight academy which causes a rift between him and his family. I think during this time Hangman is created as a mask. He plays the mister "love them and leave em," too cool to settle down. He does this rinse and repeat until after the mission. (Actually I feel like he's starting to slow down and re-think a lot of stuff regarding his life when the mission is announced but that's another thesis in itself).

He meets you. (Maybe at the Hard Deck or on base, idk) You sneak in under his defences until it's too late and you're all over his heart and I think he panics when he realizes he loves you. He's never loved anyone like this before and I think he tries to rapidly destroy everything around y'all so you know how bad of an idea it actually is to love him. (It's not but generational trauma sucks). The fear of settling catches up to him again bc "no deal, the 1950s shit the want from me." He just wants to stay in the "lavender haze" y'all have created. Drown in all the endorphins you're flooding his senses with. This space where he felt like he could start letting Jake through and let you see through the shell he wore but it wasn't so serious he felt "trapped."

He doesn't expect you to stay. To be persistent about your love and how you want to meet him in the middle. You don't care for societal expectations. You just want him to be happy and healthy in your life. Even if that means going back to friends. I don't think you'd tolerate him playing with your emotions bc he's insecure but I think you know enough about Jake to know why he's like this. I think you and Javy sit down and talk to him. (He has had issues accepting the unconditional love Javy gives him too).

(I know I'm missing plot points, I apologize)

Idk in the end I think he realizes he can stay in the lavender haze, doesn't have to get married, do the kids thing if he doesn't want to. But he can put down roots, find a home in you. He doesn't want to love and leave you.

(thank you for listening to my Ted talk)

Xo,

Beck 💚

BECK!!!!!!!!!!! i’m so in awe of this masterpiece that you’ve created and i’m absolutely hanging off every word! 🥹🥰

I think during this time Hangman is created as a mask. He plays the mister "love them and leave em," too cool to settle down. He does this rinse and repeat until after the mission. (Actually I feel like he's starting to slow down and re-think a lot of stuff regarding his life when the mission is announced but that's another thesis in itself).

so firstly, this! yes! the mask of hangman being created is absolutely something jake would do to protect himself from harm and i’ve always believed this is how jake is. he’s tough hangman on the outside, but gooey, soft and vulnerable jake on the inside. but the mission thesis is something i’m SO into! he gets incredibly close to his squad and let’s down his guard ever so slightly in the lead up to the mission, that he thinks, “maybe i can let myself love. at least for these guys. because i think i love them.”

He just wants to stay in the "lavender haze" y'all have created. Drown in all the endorphins you're flooding his senses with. This space where he felt like he could start letting Jake through and let you see through the shell he wore but it wasn't so serious he felt "trapped."

THIS RIGHT HERE IS POETRY BECK! 🥺 he found this lavender haze, this sweet spot, this daze, and he felt safe for the first time in his entire life.

I think you and Javy sit down and talk to him. (He has had issues accepting the unconditional love Javy gives him too).

REAL! going back to my first point, i couldn’t agree more with this!

yes, yes, yes! and i’ve always believed that you and jake would never have a traditional relationship, and it would be whatever you find works for you both.

goddddd beck! i’m so incredibly in love with this idea! thank you so, so much for blessing me with your beautiful and wonderful mind and thought! mwah mwah mwah! ilysm! 🥹🥰💗🫶🏼

#💌you’ve got mail #beck-things <33 #💐 these are for you!!#jake hangman seresin #sebs masterlist

13 notes · View notes

menalez · 2 months

Note

I hate the way you are being treated for experiencing trauma and sexual abuse, no survivor deserves this including you. I acknowledge you have incredible grace in dealing with this but more importantly you shouldn’t have to, it’s not right to put a survivor in this situation and constantly triggering their trauma no matter what you think about them. I have had similar experiences with CSA and ongoing SA after and I can’t imagine how I would deal with being picked apart like you have been. I don’t care what grievances these people have with you, if they actually supported survivors they wouldn’t react in this way to you (also I fully believe you about your experiences and about your sexuality if that isn’t clear). It sickens me to see people saying they fight for women’s rights treat you like this. If we can’t support our fellow women what’s the point? I know not all women have the same opinions and politics but it’s seems very basic to me to not harass a survivor of these things. The least they could do is shut up and leave you alone. I honestly don’t know how you can deal with this, I know if it was directed at me I would’ve either fallen deeper into CPTSD or gone offline entirely or both. I am glad you have the strength to continue though bc I think your perspective on many issues is difficult to find and deeply important to hear. I guess I don’t know what I mean with this message other than thank you for what you do and please do not let these awful people take you back into that horrible place that I think all survivors know. Your voice is so important and I hope to continue hearing it, you make change being outspoken. I know we can’t control being triggered and sometimes can’t regulate our responses but I hope that you can block these people and be as unbothered as is possible. Other survivors see you, I see you, I know we are in some ways the same and these people clearly cannot conceive of being in our position

it’s not right to put a survivor in this situation and constantly triggering their trauma no matter what you think about them.

i keep saying this but it just falls on deaf ears!

in terms of how i deal with this… ive said this before & was mocked for it but this has triggered my PTSD several times. i almost always end up having nightmares for weeks afterwards, more flashbacks, and perhaps a mental breakdown or two followed by a long period of dissociation. when i brought up how deeply hurtful it is and how much it triggers me, i end up getting mocked & accused of guilt tripping.

so basically, i’m not allowed to respond to assumptions made about my trauma bc it’s traumadumping. i’m not allowed to talk about the negative impact being harassed over my trauma by these ppl has bc it’s guilt tripping. they have the right to say vile things like saying i’m a “retired ho” (for having a trauma response like hypersexuality as a child and being sexually abused????) and saying that me reacting in a common way CSA victims react to rape a decade ago makes me bipolar or histrionic (love being called a hysterical slut for having a normal reaction to facing rape as my first sexual experience) but i have no right to correct these assumptions at all. it always ends up with several of them harassing me on & off anon, and other people just silently watching. once these ppl leave like they always inevitably do, then radblr starts talking about how horrible these ppl are & often will even harass me over these ppl’s presence as well! idk. it’s a constant lose-lose for me.

anyways… thank u for ur sweet msg ❤️ many other CSA survivours & rape survivours have reached out to me and told me that me talking about my story made them feel less crazy/alone bc they also have a similar story. many are lesbians who face an additional trauma & disgust & shame bc they see how trauma similar to their own is misconstrued & talked about. i’m glad at least that from this persistent harassment i’ve been experiencing for like 5 years now, women with similar stories reached out to me. it made me feel less alone and more understood. i try not to let all this stuff affect me & have been taking breaks online and/or talking to my gf whenever it does take a toll on me. it doesn’t fix it but it helps. some of it is unavoidable bc no matter how many anons i block, i keep getting msgs about it regardless and new blogs keep being made to discuss it

#in the past i’ve hurt myself over my PTSD being triggered but #over time ive learned to control my self-harm behaviours better #i just hope one day they wake up to wtf they’re doing & how horrible they’re being n just stop it #some of these ppl from the past did apologise to me after some time but #idk. an apology is nice but i hope this just stops one day bc the damage is already done

8 notes · View notes