#idk if I fully believe them. they haven't seen where I've come from. they don't know how far I have to go. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

septembersghost · 1 year

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Sorry for sending so many negative asks and you don’t have to answer the last two, or if you want to you can answer what I said about Gen Z on here. I had a hard year last year and can honestly say watching the Elvis movie in theaters, Austin’s great performance, and getting into Elvis helped me get through it. It just sucks going online for the past year and reading nothing but hateful and negative comments about Elvis and Austin on the internet, especially from holier than thou Gen Zers who have no problem stanning people who are way worse :/

going to begin with this screenshot i saved the other day, that truly just encapsulates a lot to me:

also this gif my friend chelsea shared with me of el banishing haters for us. 😊 begone!

i have a lot to say to this and am unsure where to begin, so allow me to start here:

I had a hard year last year and can honestly say watching the Elvis movie in theaters, Austin’s great performance, and getting into Elvis helped me get through it. <- first and foremost, WITH ALL MY HEART, this is the point. this is what's important. that experience belongs to you, and it's BEAUTIFUL and meaningful, and there's nothing that can or should take that away from you. i am SO glad you had the film and austin's stunning performance, and then discovering more in e himself to help you. the value in that is unbelievably special, and it's unique in all of us who discover that solace in art and hold onto it in our own ways. the film has come to mean more to me than i can express in silly little posts here, and i haven't had that for a long time.

i'm so sorry you were having a hard time, i understand in my own way. i didn't expect to even make it through last year myself. there is a particular depth of connection and some measure of healing that came with this that i can't explain except to say it exists on some spiritual level. idk if you were here when i wrote a post on the night of the grammys, but there's a significant part of myself that i'd been without for a long time, and maybe didn't even fully know was missing, that e almost immediately set back. as if that broken piece of stained glass mosaic was there, but had been knocked out of place, and when it was restored, the picture was more whole again, and i could breathe a bit easier. like a bridge over troubled water. you don't know what's lost 'til you find it! i sincerely hope that you're doing better now <333

i have to cut this because it's long. 💗

i don't know where exactly you're reading negative comments, maybe i've just been very fortunate to avoid them since i've encountered them so rarely and block the few i've seen immediately (and anyone who has anything negative to say about aus is deranged on some level, when he's unequivocally humble and kind in every interaction he has. the only things i've seen about him are inane voice comments, and not only is that not funny, and was never funny, it's also clear anyone who thinks that has never listened to a clip of elvis speaking for two seconds in their life, as they sound nothing alike! i hate that something which should only have been joyful and made him feel proud has made him self-conscious because the media can't ignore trolls on the internet. austin is such a genuine soul). regarding elvis himself, he was certainly a complex human being, but he was unquestionably a GOOD one. it takes so little time to discover exactly who he was and all that he stood for, all he did.

it's like i read a story yesterday about how, when he performed at the houston astrodome, the owner told him he didn't want black people onstage and to leave the sweet inspirations behind, and elvis was like, absolutely not, they're included or i walk, period. and then he had had them driven in a car around the arena so that everyone could see them. it's such a typical story for him (standing up for people he loved and what he believed in with a delightful dose of king shit defiant behavior). it's why it's so easy to dispel ANY claim of racism because he was distinctly anything but, and there are countless stories recounting why.

you said: To add to my comment, I can’t stand reading most zoomers opinions of Elvis because the takes are almost always misinformed and hateful yet they worship artists like (he who shall not be named, I sent you a previous anon about him) 🤷‍♀️

speaking as your millennial elder sister here, i assume they either erroneously believe he somehow mistreated people of color (could not be less true), "stole" his music and/or misappropriated culture (absolutely not the case, and if anything, he succeeded in BREAKING a lot of barriers), or the situation with priscilla. i've addressed cilla before, but anyone making that into a more salacious situation than it was is not HEARING her specifically. they victimize her without listening to a word she says about the life that is HERS. about things that were in place before they got married, about the love they had for one another. they victimize her without her consent and i find that really upsetting. they're also not hearing any of the other women he was ever romantically involved with who have shared about him extensively, nor the women who were around him platonically who adored him. or they're listening to GROSS unfounded lies perpetuated by alanna nash, who i'm on record despising. did he have some ingrained patriarchal concepts? sure. he was a white man born in 1935, but none of those ideas were outrageous and it's not fair to even weigh that against our social mores in 2023, when we've been without him for 46 years. he had tremendous respect and love (not merely in the physical way) for women. he had tremendous respect and love for PEOPLE. i think of myrna saying elvis would've loved her just the same, no matter what color she was, because of who he was. it's infuriating for that to be taken away from him by people who don't even bother to do their research or try to spend a moment lending him compassion and understanding.

not to play the whatboutism game, but the person you mention has FAR worse and actually credible allegations, and yet that gets waved off all the time. i could name...a number of very famous men who have concrete abuse allegations or stories of very dark/disturbing things, and it simply gets ignored. i could mention someone who's oft-revered who was also a misogynist, racist, antisemitic homophobe and gets very little criticism. it's crazy to me that elvis gets any of those accusations when there's documented proof of his charitable work for black people (and literally growing up with and attending church with and learning alongside of and befriending and defending!), for jewish people (including being a shabbos goy as a child!), his generosity and care for others, and so on. someone sent me an anon the other day saying they feel like people online hold him to an unfair double standard (and they referenced a different famous musician who is far more problematic), which i responded to here. the fact of the matter is, a lot of it is rooted in caricature and parody and unfair jokes/stereotypes, some of which is incorrect judgment of elvis as a human being, some of which is this idea that anyone from the south must be stupid and racist, which is wildly unfair. remember: YOU KNOW MORE THAN THEM. i KNOW it hurts and is depressing and feels bad to not be able to fight back and defend him and prove his worth to everyone who discounts him, but that's on them and they don't get it, which is their loss. tbh anyone who doesn't get it can fuck right off. you know what he means to you.

the thing about elvis is, he had this...all-encompassing need for connection and understanding, and there was some part of him always seeking that. be that spiritually, and in his deep faith and interest in many avenues of philosophical study/thought, or in his approach to love of any kind. he didn't want to be just one thing to people, he wanted to, in some way, be everything. which maybe is too much for anyone to strive towards, but it was in his essence. chelsea also recently told me elvis was very interested in all the different definitions of love - the greek words, storge, philia, eros, agape, etc, and i personally feel a strong connection to that because that's always captivated me too, not merely the differences, but the way they inform each other. how we express love in this world.

el having a temper or making some mistakes in his life does not negate the artistry he possessed, nor, on a much more personal level, the amount of good he did and heart and soul he shared with people. loved ones, family, romances, fans, he had this boundless sense of love.

which brings me to us. i mean it when i say i believe it would mean everything to him if he knew how many new people, ESPECIALLY young people, are discovering him and embracing him and remembering him.

going to quote chelsea again: "it's like the people who find him are the good ones, you know? the thoughtful, loyal, interesting ones who see him as a full person. which is all he ever wanted."

i believe, without question, that he would love us so much. i believe he was meant for us to find him. i believe it would touch his soul to know he's had an impact on us, or helped us make it through, or healed something in us in any way. that would be worth everything to him. and he's so alive in our hearts, and i know he's going to stay there. that's what has the meaning, that's what remains.

to repeat this post from the other day:

i was having a discussion with tam like five minutes before this tweet was posted, about the people who dismiss him or belittle him not understanding the truth of who he was, not loving him for the whole of him the way that we do, so when this was tweeted, it felt almost like a sign from the universe. no matter how loud the clamor of denial, WE know what that love truly is.

you decide where to put your love. you know what restores your spirit. that matters through everything. i believe he reached out to and moved austin for a reason, that that performance was meant to happen. and deep in my heart, i believe there's some light of his reaching back that sparks in ours.

#anonymous #letterbox #elvis presley #i was a dreamer #i love him sm :(#and ilyyyy and all my e besties. you are wonderful 💕💕💕#i keep typing burned and not shined bc of if i can dream aklfdkjlfdg #*#NOT THE MUSIC CHOICE CHANNEL PLAYING 'LET IT BE ME' AS I POST THIS he's so. haunting me everywhere! daily! i hear you hi e <3 #sail on silver girl; sail on by #there must be lights burning brighter somewhere

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truessences · 2 years

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Hi! Currently catching up on fanfics and I was wondering why there are so few about mileven aged up/adulthood/parenthood ? The few (and there are some really good ones who depict them really well and are realistic, but there are just a few) that I read are so heartwarming and satisfying given the fact that it’s their ultimate goal you know ? So yes they are growing up and going to share their firsts milestones together as a couple and their first time, being intimate is just a natural evolution of them and it’s such a beautiful step to a relationship like theirs. And so is Mike proposing to El, them marrying, founding their home and a family together. And somehow on Twitter for example you really have to walk on eggs with this topic… they aren’t 12 anymore for god sakes 🤦🏻‍♀️ When did ppl became so hypersensitive about this? I find it just hypocritical honestly… Idk what’s your take on this … if the subject makes you uncomfortable don’t feel obligated to answer, I’ll understand 😊

Thanks for your ask! Also was sitting in my drafts and hopefully whoever you are anon, you see this response! I have some thoughts and hopefully this will make sense lol but I feel like I'm about to be all over the place.

People are hypersensitive about them (Mileven and minor characters in general) being aged up? This is a tricky subject in some ways. I know some people may not have even fully even "shipped" Mileven (or even Lumax) until they were older because they were so young in the beginning, so there's that too lol.

My Stranger Things/Titanic AU "The Weight of Living" has the characters aged up, I think I have them around 19-21 because that's what the story calls for, I think, and in the movie, I believe Rose is 17 and Jack is 20 but I wanted El and Mike to remain close in age so I just made them legally adults. But my intention was just that it was easier to have them dealing, feeling and thinking more adult things/situations outside of sexual intimacy, which I still haven't decided if I'll tackle that since that's just not really my thing to write. But they couldn't be young teenagers because that's not the story I wanted to tell.

I've seen a lot of discourse over this for many years. There was a big thing in one of my Facebook nerd groups when this girl went on this weird rant about how "sexy" she thought Aang was from ALTA and calling him "daddy" and all that. It was a big debate about fictional characters and simping. As an adult, I don't simp for any "minor in age" character, they are my children lol that's it. A big example is like My Hero Academia when people call the students (Class 1A) their husbandos or whatever, but they are actively 15 years old, so I can't see them past that and they are my children lol. Same with like Gon and Killua, also why I don't generally ship kids either, unless the show leans into that. However, I have read some fics where the authors have aged up the characters to tackle more adult content and I don't particularly have a problem with it because I'm just enjoying the story about characters I enjoy, who I'll probably never see as adults in their respective medium.

I think the problem comes, for some people, is that, "oh you like this? With these characters aged up? that's weird, that's pedo behavior" which I think is really dangerous language to throw around. Or they're like "Oh, you only aged up these characters so you can... xyz". But they are fictional and the writer aged them up because that's the story they want to tell and them being adults or older teenagers (whatever) better suits the story.

Now, I do think there's a line. I know I generally won't read a fic that's labeled "underage" because that's uncomfy. Sometimes, I miss a tag or don't read them at all, just the summary and dive into a story and then I'm surprised (my own fault).

What I also think some people forget, is that teenagers are sexually active. I mean, we saw probably 16 year old Nancy have sex with a 17 year old Steve. She and Jonathan later had sex and we know that they did. I know it might be weirder with the party kids because we have watched them grow up from being 12-14 to adults and their characters are still teenagers... but I'm more bothered by people writing real life fanfictions than I am by them aging up characters.

So, idk, this was probably a whole bunch of a nothing answer lol but I can see why people are sensitive about it but I also see why some people are like "relax".

Idk lol

#anon asks #true answers #mileven #probably a confusing answer lol #fanfiction #writing fanfiction #writing

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agapintheskin · 10 months

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i one hundred percent get where you're coming from and understand completely how it is. i turned 31 in may and i've been set on remaining single for the rest of my life probably since i was 28. tbh, since i was about 15 years old, i was convinced i was going to die before i turned 25 so i didn't have a whole lot of plans for my life between that time. the last time somebody ever showed an interest in me was when i was in 7th grade, a guy i liked asked me out in front of our entire science class and, me convinced it was a joke and he was doing it to make fun of me (even though he honestly wasn't all that attractive but he was funny and played the saxophone) bc i was bullied pretty regularly, i turned him down before running off to tell my best friend at the time that somebody asked me out and her immediate response was to look at me funny before laughing in my face.

but like, about 90% of the time, i am 100% okay with being single for the rest of my life. i'm at a point where i just don't see any value in maintaining that kind of relationship, i like being alone too much, i don't want to change my daily routine, and i don't want somebody that's supposed to be my equal trying to dictate how i live my life. i'd have higher standards for somebody i'd consider dating but i also am really afraid of men (stemming from childhood trauma). i have both physical and mental handicaps that would make going on any sort of fun date basically impossible for me. i also really don't like leaving my house very often. i haven't even seen my two best friends in 12 years, i barely even talk to them to the point where i don't even think they consider us friends anymore... just acquaintances. but i have my mom and i have my dogs, sometimes we see my mom's friends around town and that's enough socializing for me.

there really is nothing wrong with being single, not wanting to date anybody, not having very many close friends irl because lbr, you can make friends online and they're just as important as irl friends.

Not to be that person but

I 100% get that. I do. And idk if I COULD, was there ever gonna be a potential relationship, have someone actually be with me for the entirety of my life. And I 100% believe that there are people, like you, who are fully able to live that way and be happy and fulfilled. Absolutely. But I don't think I can. And that's the issue. I too always thought I could because it is so damn hard for me to be close to people, physical touch alone is so hard for me and talking to people about feelings and actually being open and intimate (not sexual) is so so so hard for me but I do need and want all that. Even if I wish I didn't because it's not something that's in my cards.

I appreciate you writing all this to me, all the love to you. My point was not to say that there isn't any fulfillment in your way of living, I just learned that there isn't fulfillment in it for me personally.

Kisses to you and your doggos and your mom!

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sundaeserenade · 2 years

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What do you think of the tropes I think we need to see more of in reguri fics

Sociable Red (idk he seems like the type of guy with a special magnetism, that's why he's learned to be socially competent after spending time in Pasio, where he socialized a lot because of his damn boyfriend rival and people approached him regardless)

Red's POV of them growing to love each other again (it's mostly Green, because I think he's perceived as the more dynamic canvas: angstier, more prone to explosive emotions but I'm curious to see how people will interpret his experience and thoughts, will they be jumbled up like any other teen, prone to not understanding them, or will he be more in tune with them because of how introspective he seems but still won't understand them)

Red thirsting over Green~ (this needs no explanation, imagine your first bits of human interaction was with the fine af Green Oak)

We basically need more Red-centric stuff. I love Green don't get me wrong, but we need more of our og protagonist hermit.

I think sociable Red depends on the canon/universe you want to see. You're likely only going to see sociable Red in pokespe or pokemas spaces, because that matches the characterization of Red there.

And I kind of fit into that same vein. I like sociable Red in pokemas, but only in a certain kind of way. And I haven't read pokespe and don't plan to, so. I like hermit Red a lot because I like more socially awkward characters and those who just. do not talk. I love link from loz for this same reason, because we see so much of "happy-go-lucky protaganist with his gang of friends who believe in the power of friendship and wonder and love!" that I like something different.

but yeah, if it's pokemas, then it's fine, but i still hc Red to be socially awkward and have trouble speaking without a close friend there, hence Green. But I also don't mind people approaching him either and just learning to talk with him and knowing how to tell when he's mentally spent.

I've…seen quite a bit of Red's POV of them getting back together? Green is definitely the majority, but I feel like I've seen a good handful of Red. Maybe not. Maybe that's just my fics, but I know there's at least three out there, which isn't much but 🤷‍♀️

Overall--in any AU/trope/cliche/anything-- you're going to see more from Green's pov because Green talks. It is very difficult to write a character who doesn't communicate vocally. The writer then has to decide if they want Red to be selectively mute/use sign/or be mute. And in all of those situations, you're still going to have to rely on expressions, mannerisms, and behavior to write Red correctly. And that's hard for people to do, especially for writers just starting out.

and in addition to that ^ there's the whole "green's got more of a concrete character arc that can be followed and his character is easier to pin down." it's easier to get inside Green's head. You can get a feel for his personality easier, therefore, the writer is going to write through his perspective. I have no doubt the angst and dynamics play a part, but at the end of the day, people are more likely to write what they're comfortable with then something new/difficult.

but as for like Red's actual emotions/thoughts on it, it could go either way. I def don't think Red would fully understand his feelings, but he also would follow his instincts. They'd def be jumbled up and he'd be confused, but he wouldn't be as loud about it as green. Red's the type to avoid thinking about it and keep it all in and avoid the situation or topic entirely. he can't talk about it because he doesn't know how to explain it. and he's afraid of communicating the wrong thing. he doesn't want to be misunderstood. he's tired of being misunderstood.

I think red would be far more introspective, but even so, he's not sure of the conclusions because he doesn't have enough information. so he kind of goes with the flow. he takes things as they come. he follows his gut/instincts. but if he becomes overwhelmed, he'll run.

I think I've written a fair amount of red being a horny slut, but there could always be more. i also think this falls into that "idk how to write it" bucket because this depends on Red knowing what those feelings mean. he's likely to just blush and be confused and also just run whenever he gets too hot or his body reacts.

not gonna lie, I'm pretty sure I write from green's perspective just so I can have him point out how hot Red is. Green's saying everything every reader is thinking, so I find my fic audience is like "HELL YEAH GREEN'S RIGHT!! RED'S SO HOT!" like we're all in agreement with green that red's to die for. and I guess I write like that because in the fandom or at least in the beginning, there was a lot of green love, so I wanted to write through green's perspective to be like "red's hot, he's beautiful, he's sexy" so everyone would understand that red's sexy.

whenever i write through red's pov, he's so in love. he's so silly and goofy and loving towards Green. There isn't any immediate "Green's so hot, he's so sexy" it's more "Green's so pretty, he's so smart, he's so great" because I think that's what Red would think of first. If asked or pressed, he would of course say Green's hot and sexy too, but those aren't the first thoughts that come to his head.

Red thirsting, i think, has to start with…personality. he's got to know the person. that's how he makes connections. of course he's attracted to Green, but he's got to know Green. He's got to be sure Green understands him. Connections and bonds are so center to Red's character, that I feel all the thirst and hunger comes second, so Red thirsting would probably be in a series…or like a one-shot where they've been off and on dating, I dunno. But there could def be more.

#ask #anon #long post #sorry if i came off as mad or rude i didn't mean to #i just get a little stumped when it comes to fic questions like this

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theyarebothgunshot · 2 years

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The questions at cons are getting boring anyways otherwise I wouldn't suggest it. But maybe someone should just ask "on a scale of all-my-pictures-live-in-the-cloud to i-have-an-entire-room-dedicated-to-scrapbooking where are you"?

god please no, nobody ask anything like this everrrr first rule about cockles is we don't talk about cockles etc etc (but yeah i do agree the con questions are getting boring)

more after the cut

I am 99% sure i remember someone had found an app that created that border at some point, and i know it was posted in a random reply on twitter, so not too many people must have seen that discovery. idk why that's so important to me but I've been trying to find that app for an hour now, i still haven't sadly!! I need this to find peace because i literally could swear it was from an app, even with that little tilt and those weird imperfect corners and all

now that you mention it, i do remember seeing a post about this...... though i don't remember if i was convinced it was that app or not lmao but yeah it's possible!

weighing in as well: the photo with danneel definitely has one of the old instagram frames, they removed them some years ago but some of my old ig pictures do have that same frame. the two anniversary pictures, i can’t really tell though because of the quality, it could be that frame on both which then were stitched together (but then that would mean a whole lot of trouble to make that one collage)

oh really?? in my mind the background on all three pics is the same but maybe it's slightly different idk.

listen i am a tinhatter as much as anybody can be—THOSE BITCHES IN LOVE—but i just neeeeed someone to know (and you're my favorite blog on this whole hellsite so im very sorry but im going to curse you with this) how fucking funny i would find it if the truth was jensen and misha are infact totally hetero, not even a little bit into each other—like, they truly and openly explored the idea with each other, really took it into consideration and were uncharacteristically open about feelings and attractions, and went 'ehhh nah sorry not for me' 'oh thank god i thought i was going to have to figure out how to let you down easy'—and that j&d are rigidly monogamous, but they do these things and perform these.. hmm.. displays.. utterly on purpose, fully aware of everything they do and the way we will interpret it, specifically BECAUSE we are so.. us.. about it. queerbaiting irl, acting in love so hard they've practically caused a cult—i KNOW cockles discourse has led at least one set of friends to come to actual physical blows, ive seen second-hand the fallout and damage of our beloved green blue conspiracy between believers and nonbelievers—just for shits and giggles. queerbaiting even harder than the nEtWoRk, just bc it's funny to them personally. that is both the worst timeline and by far my favorite timeline. i don't believe anything ive just said for a single second, but my sides hurt from laughing about it.

im also thinking about the fact that like. idk if we would have caught on as much, or at least in the numbers we did, if the show had just let the gays be gay on screen. many of us wouldn't be going "BUT WHY CHEMISTRY. WHY STARING. WHY SO CLOSE TOGETHER. WHY KISS FACE. WHY UNICORN LAUGH." if they had just said "uhh, because gay." like there would not have been much reason for most people to look deeper, there would not have been any reason for people who hate rps to be like "well, but.. i mean.. reluctantly, i cannot deny that the cards are all on the table.. they're.. uhh.. like, they're in love. duh." and the cockles community would be MUCH smaller and more niche. also an objectively horrible idea, also objectively hilarious. this one i do believe. not that they wouldn't be.. them.. like, they'd still be all mmlahh for each other, but they'd have a much more private relationship if not for the cdubs homophobia. and actually those of us that would ken it regardless of the show would probably have a lot more content if those two/three weren't under such incredible scrutiny. damn it.

anyway i am so sorry, you absolutely didn't ask for any of this but god its making me laugh out loud to think about so i hope it makes you laugh too!

lmaooo thank you it did make me laugh and also thanks for the compliment <3 yes i am sure jensen's on stage boners were all an act sfshfshf on a more serious note i do think i personally would still be as invested in perceiving them even if they did full on went for destiel in spn, but that's just me.

#its been a while since i did a more after the cut thingey but since it is all about the same subject i thought it would fit lol #anonymous

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xiu21chen99 · 4 years

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hxh headcanon/imagine.

again... still about hisoillu but about their engagement instead of illu's influenced fashion choice.

also this is more of... idk it gave reason why they chose to marry instead of uh other ways i guess??

i've seen so many fanarts where illu would break the news to the zoldycks or how killu would react to having hisoka as his brother in law- like srsly it's meme worthy at this point- and lotsa ones that showed how hisoka proposed as a joke or smtg but... I've been overthinking abt it these past few days sO i present to you how i think "the big question aka the proposal" happened... (manga spoilers??)

it's after hisoka resurrected himself obviously, and def after he killed kortopi and shalnark (so he knew there was gonna be empty slots in the spiders' lineup)

i imagine illu went back to the zoldyck estate after the whole fiasco and only heard of hisoka's "death" from rumors while he was on a mission

and then when he was idk maybe contemplating on whether or not he should visit the body(?) to pay respects or something, he gets a text message from the devil himself

their text went like this probably:

hisoka: hey~ where are you right now?♠️ (and no u can't tell me hisoka doesn't text w card suits u just can't-)

illumi: who are you and how did you get the phone you are currently using?

hisoka: ooh~ illu~ i feel betrayed, did you delete my number?♣️

illumi: hisoka is dead

hisoka: *image attached*

illumi: oh

illumi: hello hisoka, how are you still alive?

hisoka: you sound disappointed~♦️

illumi: i kind of am...

hisoka: rude, just tell me where you are♥️

...and that's how they met up?? ngl i think illu has a know-it-all syndrome where he just has to,,, k n o w everything

he's curious so he agrees to the meetup ofc

he's also surprised when he sees hisoka is in good shape when they meet (idk at a bar in an unknown city?)

they drink whiskey on the rocks because... you know...

hisoka explains how he survived and his next plan of action (which is terminate the spiders)

illumi makes a mental note of nen after death bc he's heard and seen it all before but... not to this extent,

this is gonna be,,, bland but i think this is the logic behind why hisoka chose to get married/engaged instead of just paying up front (reference to the ten dons' commission to get chrollo killed and chrollo's commission to get the ten dons killed)--

anyways here's how their conversation goes:

i: "why did you want to talk in person?"

h: "oh y'know, for old times sake."

i: "...right"

hisoka laughs, "okay so maybe i want to ask you for a favor..?"

confused, illumi asks, "why could you not have just texted if you wanted me to kill someone for you?"

h: "no, no- wait, actually, you're not too far off."

i: ~mOrE cOnfUsiOn~ "huh?"

h: "how do contracts for assassination work in your... family business?"

i: "half the promised pay before, the remaining half afterwards. should the target be eliminated by a third party, the assigned zoldyck still gets the pay and should the employer die, then the contract is terminated and the zoldyck will report back immediately."

h: "and has anyone made a contract to have themselves terminated?"

i: "i beg your pardon?"

h: "what complications will arise should your employer's target be... themselves?"

i: "i believe... i have never encountered such circumstance before. the people who hire us are those who have enough money and resource to have their enemies killed quickly. no one's tried to test the zoldyck assassination prowess."

h: "so... how will that work?"

i: "are you implying this is the reason why you have contacted me today?"

h: "yes~ ♥️" (how he said a heart emoji out loud is up to you, reader)

i: "it will be a pointless paradox. logically, the zoldyck will only get the employment bill. and i, myself, do not find pleasure in going for the kill like you lest i get my reward, so you will not get a contract out of me, hisoka."

h: "is there no leeway?"

i: "a zoldyck stands up to their word. so no."

h: "even for a friend?~ ♦️"

i: "we are not friends, hisoka-"

hisoka raises his glass of whiskey along with his eyebrow.

i: "oh..."

h: "didn't you tell dear killua that a zoldyck didn't need friends?"

i: "you... are an associate, someone reliable in the killing world. it's different."

h: "hypocrite"

i: "i ask you for favors and you make me return them. it is not like we spend our time together leisurely like killu with that island boy..."

hisoka clinks their matching glasses of whiskey even though his is already empty, a shit-eating grin on his lips.

i: "you suggested we meet here."

h: "this isn't the first time we went out to drink, right illu?"

i: "regardless!! i will not kill you just for half the money. i do not like wasting efforts on fruitless missions."

h: "as i said, is there no exception, to make sure you get my money if you were to succeed in killing me?"

i: "are you doubting my skill, hisoka?"

h: "that's not the point right now~ ♠️"

i: "wait, why do you want me to get all of your money?"

h: "haven't we just gotten over this subject? because you're my friend, of course."

i: "i... we are not friends, hisoka."

hisoka claps, "that's it! illumi!! ♣️"

i: "eh?"

h: "marry me! that way in our prenup I'll make sure you get all of my money, and even without a prenup you'll still get it since you'll be my only relative! that solves it!"

i: "hisoka, are you sure death did not took a toll on your brain? you did say you used Bungee Gum only on your heart and lungs..."

h: "i'm being serious, illumi!! and doesn't this solve your earlier conflict? we don't have to be friends, we'll be husbands!"

i: "do not use that tactic with me, you manipulative bastard. stop joking."

h: "this is purely beneficial for you, honestly i don't get why you just won't accept it."

i: "then humor me this first, why now?"

h: "dear illu, i've been to literal hell and back. i think it's time to leave my mark in case i fail to escape death again."

i: "was it that bad?"

h: "you'll love it there, illu~ ♥️"

h: "on a more serious note, though, i do plan to marry you. out of everyone i've encountered, you're the most eligible candidate. you're powerful, fully capable and extremely pretty to boot! you're the ideal husband!"

(blushing obviously, illumi downs the remaining whiskey in his glass) i: "death has changed you, hisoka."

h: "so?"

i: "fine."

h: "excellent!"

and in one fell swoop, illumi has a pin against the curve of hisoka's jugular, wrist held tightly by hisoka- a card matching against his own neck.

"not yet, dear husband." hisoka whispered into his ear, "we have to manage the papers first. and i've a request before you do."

they let each other go at the same time, not even breathing an unnecessary breath in the other's personal space (well, they're nearly pressed thigh to thigh anyways, what's the point of personal space anymore-)

"a condition rather than a request, really."

"what?" hisoka orders them refills, and downs his when it arrives.

"join the ryodan first."

glass already pressed on thin lips, illumi's confused hum resonates softly into the concave utensil. "why?"

"so things can get more interesting. i assume you know of the dark continent expedition that's soon to take place?"

"father has advised i take part on it, since kalluto told me the ryodan plans to rob some cliches who'll join the expedition- to look after him. you want me to join them?"

"yes, and i plan to board as well, don't fret."

illumi's eyes turn to slits, "how should i know you would be there? i can't take your word when you might just disappear when we've all boarded."

hisoka grins, wide then wider, "you should know by now illu, i plan to avenge my wounded pride. that damned chrollo didn't even fight me properly."

tilting his head, illumi stared at the man beside him, "is that not contradictory? i thought you did not mind your opponent using whatever means necessary to win?"

"magicians use tricks and misdirection to awe the audience," hisoka says almost thoughtlessly, "chrollo's a narcissistic hypnotist who used the audience as a damned shield because he knew he couldn't handle me face-to-face."

he groans, tinged in regret. "i shouldn't have picked heaven's arena, if i'd chosen a more discreet location then maybe the damage won't be this bad."

"damage?" illumi rests his chin on his palm, facing his husband.

hisoka swipes a hand over his face, and the glamour comes off. the picture he sent illumi now present in front of him. he was missing a nose, his left hand didn't have any finger left and dried blood chipped on his white skin. "oh."

with another swipe, everything's made correct again. hisoka was grinning again. he downs the remaining alcohol and leaves jenny bills under the emptied glass.

"come, lovely husband. we're to elope and legalize our union!"

illumi follows suit after downing his own glass, "i think there might be another loop hole, if you were to join the family. zoldycks do not kill family."

"so if i were to wed you, here and now, you'd think me more of a family than alluka?"

"alluka is not family."

"are those your words, illumi? or silva's?"

"i..."

"wow, you're really just as fucked up as i am."

"where do you plan to take me? i've just said i cannot kill family."

hisoka chuckles, "then you're the one to take my name, of course."

"preposterous!"

"who the hell still uses that word?"

"i am and will always be a zoldyck-"

"exactly. it's just legal papers, if you kill me then you'll just be a widow and even get your name back! see how everything'll work out in the end?"

"hisoka-"

"are you doubting your skill of assassination, my dearest husband?"

"... i better get the most expensive ring in this damned city."

"that's the spirit! now let's go get married!"

"wait, hisoka. what is your last name?"

later that night, when they leave a chapel, something gold glimmers on hisoka's bungee gum/texture surprise ring finger. a matching one around illumi's finger.

unlike hisoka, though, illumi had an extra red glimmer right under that gold, in the dead center of a silver band of intricately designed pattern. hisoka had foregone the traditional diamond in favor of a 16 carat ruby engagement ring, such a curious choice but illumi accepted it all the same...

(much later on, hisoka took both rings as collateral and reminded illumi that he would get them back even if he died bc it was in their damn prenup- and bc it was technically bought under illumis name and that's how hisoka assured illu that he'd be on that black whale,,, bc he had the rings and planned to give them back to him there)

"I thought a red gemstone was better suited for the rather bloody and murderous ending that our relationship will inevitably come to, wouldn't you agree?"

-Hisoka Morow whenever someone mentions his preference of proposal ring...

"I disagree with most of his ideals, our relationship has always had a fragile foundation, and I knew from the start that we'd eventually end up killing each other."

-Illumi Morow, nee Zoldyck when asked about his thoughts on his husband...

746 notes · View notes

syuga-s · 3 years

Text

The Last Time

w.c 4.3k

pairing. Jooheon x gn!reader

genre. angst, a little fluff maybe, idk how to classify it but it's my take on relationships in real life(?)

a/n. (warnings) I throw some curses here and there, mention of the word "sex" once, tried to make it as gender-neutral as possible, I could really use some help about t/w, feedback is more than welcome, hope you like the fic 🧍‍♀️

Once again you were at the same bar. With the same friends. Same music. Same drinks. It's safe to say that nothing's changed in here but you.

For some reason, you were awfully quiet tonight. Everyone was away from the table by now. All of them talking and dancing in groups.

You were regretting saying yes to going out the very moment Jasmine was at your front door. But your best friend really wanted to get you out of your house.

The thing is you weren’t going to be alone, all of your friends were tagging along. I guess I need to suck it up, maybe I could have fun, despite him.

And you really tried, there was no need to make a scene anymore. All of your friends have had their fair share of nights seeing you 'talk' with him and making things awkward for everyone. It's been a while, though. You haven't seen him in exactly 2 years.

How do I explain this? There's no resentment anymore, no hate for what happened between you. But when there's a choice between spending your Friday night at the same place as him or staying at home? Well...

But tonight was clearly different. Something (Jasmine) had dragged you here and to be quite honest, it hasn’t been half bad yet. Jasmine kept waiting for you to get up from your chair to come and chat with Jackson and Changkyun. Her all-time crush and his best friend.

"In a sec!! Just let me finish this drink!" You said while you showed her your glass. She quickly nodded and turned to keep talking with those two. You have to remember to thank them later for keeping her entertained because if it weren't for them cracking jokes every single second, she wouldn't have let you off the hook that easily.

Meanwhile, you decided to get a little lost in your head. Laughing to yourself because you were feeling like having a main character moment. Being the only one sat down in a place full of people. The mysterious persona drinking by themselves.

But that didn't last long.

"Mind if I sit here?" You shook your head. He put his drink next to yours and asked, "How are you?" And it somehow felt like you couldn’t have avoided this exact situation.

You released a breath that you didn't even know you were holding. "I'm sitting Jooheon, drinking… existing, you?" He forced himself to smile. Trying to hide the fact that he was still feeling uneasy around you. Nonetheless, showing you the dimples that you used to love so much.

“I can see that”, he paused, "it's been a lot since I last saw you, you look different".

You hummed softly, finally making eye contact with him. "So you expected for me to look the same?" You surely weren't going to pass up the opportunity to be passive-aggressive to him.

It still makes you happy to know that he has never minded this side of you.

"I'm teasing, I guess we both look different, it's been what? Two years?"

"I'm not sure, but it feels like a lot" He took a sip of his drink and started to fidget with the glass. Maybe you're not the only one that's changed after all.

In the two years, you were together, you never saw him like this. But let's remember the fact that you never fully knew him back then. It just feels weird to see him this anxious. Especially with you.

"I've wanted to reach out to you for a while now," You frowned at his words. "Guess I lacked a little courage" He let out an airy laugh. "I really want to talk to you".

Now it was your turn to feel tense. What is this supposed to mean? How long has he been wanting to talk? And talk about what?

You tilted your head and opened your mouth to ask him all this, but he didn't give you the chance to get the words out.

"Before you say something, please believe me I just wanna talk", "but not in here”.

"Alright then, where do you suggest we ‘talk’ Jooheon?” He took his phone out to check the time. 10:44 p.m. He pursed his lips and said, more like hesitating, "I could walk you home?"

You stared off into your group of friends. This was going to make their night interesting. Seeing you two go together again, just like all those times before.

Jooheon's been waiting for this since he saw on your social media that you were leaving the city. And Jasmine took care of letting him know that you would be coming back in about 6 months.

That was a year ago. More than 365 days waiting to be in the same room with you. Praying that you would let him talk to you. Not that you would reject him. But he was scared, he was perfectly aware he messed up everything.

As you were both saying goodbyes to your friends, you started to think about how everything had ended between you two.

You know what? Yes, maybe I was wrong in ghosting him but after all, I don't owe him anything. Just like he threw me out of his life two years ago. We didn't work out, he never communicated with me. He didn't choose me back. I just had to watch him get rid of me, no explanations, no nothing. And I find it really hard to believe that he's been dying to talk to me. What could be so important that he wants to have a proper conversation? How will I explain to him that I stopped replying for no particular reason? That I just realized that we weren't good together, and I had to let go of him? Should I tell him that no matter my hard feelings, I still thought about him constantly?

You had left each other in the cold back then.

He called your name, and you snapped back to reality. Didn't even realize you were already outside of the bar when he softly asked you, "aren't you cold?"

You smirked and told him "Well yeah, walking back home in this weather wasn't in my plans dummy, but I didn't bring a jacket though".

He used to be so attentive to you. One of the other things you used to love about him. Always concerned about you.

He simply put his jacket around you and started walking before you could complain about something as simple as this. Like you always did.

It feels nice to know that someone in this world knows you to this extent. The way you’ll react to simple things. How can you still love someone despite knowing that you don’t work together?

You realized he still has this jacket. It's the same one he gave me the first night we spent together. Why do I have to remember this now? Not fair. Maybe he wore it on purpose.

You gave a little run to catch him. Now that you were by his side, you were getting impatient, "Can you please start talking? I'm intrigued by all your seriousness".

You were kind of hating this feeling. Everything about him felt familiar. Suddenly, you wanted to cling your arm to his but thought twice about it.

He chuckled. "Well it's not super serious, I want us to have a nice conversation, you know?" You snorted at this, what does a nice talk mean?

"I can be nice, as long as you tell me WHAT you wanna talk about…", "come on Jooheon, just get to the point".

"Okay!! OKAY… I-" he took a deep breath and continued, "First of all, I want to apologize to you for everything, then I want us to talk about what happened between us if that's okay with you?"

You'd be lying if you didn't say that you wanted this to happen since you drew apart the first time. You always dreamt of having an adult conversation with him.

But the dream left your mind bit by bit. Just like your heart got itself back together after he left you, piece by piece.

Overwhelmed, you could only stare straight ahead into the street. He called your name again. Now your eyes were on his, and you could see his concerns. How his mind was going miles per hour, just like yours.

"I want to apologize too,” you smiled and finally let yourself link arms with him. “It’s gonna take us a while, isn’t it?”.

The walk to your apartment took around 15 minutes. The words you exchanged with Jooheon were kept to a minimum. You weren’t gonna get into the heavy stuff right there in the street.

When you finally arrived, you gave him back his jacket. It was gonna get uncomfortable to talk with him with a piece of clothing that made you remember too much.

“Want something to drink? I have a beer, wine, you name it”. He sat on your couch while you searched for something non-alcoholic in your little fridge. “A beer would be okay”.

You got yourself some water. Otherwise, your head would be fuzzy, and wouldn’t be able to tell him all you’ve had on your mind for years.

You handed him the bottle, and you took your seat on the carpet. Your mind wandered off to the last time he was in here.

When he told you goodnight and planted a soft kiss on your lips like he always did. You knew it wasn’t a simple ‘good night’, for you.

You remembered how your eyes followed him until he closed the door of your apartment.

He took a swig of his drink and by the time he put the bottle on your little coffee table, it made you realize he was sitting right there, in front of you.

Finally, gathering the courage to start telling you what was on his mind. “I never thought I’d get the chance to talk to you again”.

I didn’t think so, either. We both fucked up multiple times.

──────────────────────

You were never a couple. After 5 years, you never understood what had lacked between you. The desire was there. Now and then you had your moments of happiness. Usually on the weekends.

When you met, you weren’t looking for love or a serious relationship. At least one of you.

Jooheon was free, like the wind or like a bird. He flew back and forth and once in a while he needed to land somewhere for a while. Every so often he sought another fire, another bed, other arms that weren’t yours.

The time came when he made you feel a million things inside. Overwhelmed with words and emotions, mostly love. But also turmoil and maybe desperation.

It made you happy that he made you feel so much after being empty for months. You felt different with him. It was the kind of love you didn’t know you had in you. Didn’t even think it was possible to express about someone like this. Until him.

You didn’t need anyone else. You just needed Jooheon. Not only that, but you didn’t care for how long your love would last because you believed that the meaning of the word love was what you had built together.

A few hours together. Every so often the whole night.

But when the morning came, the nightmare started to take form. Texts at inappropriate hours, and even unanswered messages.

You started thinking that you didn’t know better. You started feeling insecure. Replaceable. Maybe he knows better than to be with me.

Desperate to know what you had. But afraid that you would ruin everything with the words “What are we?”.

Tried to convince yourself that all of this was okay. That it was a good thing that you were going slow, giving him the chance to open up to you.

Months kept passing and your trust in him was running thin. He made you feel weird on the daily. Wondering if he was seeing someone else. If he danced with someone tonight. Had they kissed? Is he having sex with someone who isn’t me? What if he’s tired of me?

You wanted to be with him, but It was starting to hurt.

I hate that when I try to get myself to think that I don’t like you anymore… you do these little things that make me love you.

When you were together, he treated you like there was no one else for him. His hand was always wrapped up in yours. Talking until dawn, about college, his family, and your relationship. Those times, you couldn’t lie to yourself about your feelings.

He was the only face you could see in the world. The only guy you’ve ever wanted to keep around. But how did we get to this point?

The day you told him you were starting to fall in love with him, all he could reply was, “I don’t know what to say, I never thought you would be in love with me”.

“That’s all you have to say?”

“Well what do you want me to say? You took me by surprise”.

“You could tell me how you feel. I’m not expecting for you to tell me you love me back, I-“

There’s no return now, you have to keep talking.

“I’m just tired of not knowing what’s in your head, I’m not sure if you want to have something with me anymore, it’s okay if you don’t so, just be honest with me”.

“I like you”. You stayed quiet after hearing this, urging him to tell you more than just three words.

“I mean, of course, I’m attracted to you”.

At that moment, you liked what you heard. But the more you thought about it, you realized that he didn’t actually care for you, or loved you. Maybe that was a greedy thought from you. Maybe you expected too much.

You were angry but mostly angry at yourself.

Why are you still waiting for him? It's been years and nothing has happened between you. Nothing ever will at this point.

You ended up telling him not to bother you again, that if this was his way of ‘loving’ you, you were better off without it.

But that was a lie, you longed for your phone to show his name, even if it was at 5 A.M. Still thinking that there was no other way to love someone.

Unable to put an end to it, months kept passing and nothing changed between you. Jooheon had many others, and you only had him.

You loved spending nights like this by his side, watching him sleep, wondering for hours about you two. Unable to explain how you could love him this much.

Maybe he did love you, but you can’t handle this kind of love anymore. It’s better for both of you to end this, whatever it was because it's driving you crazy. And you meant it this time.

Jooheon told you goodnight and planted a soft kiss on your lips like he always did.

You knew it wasn’t a simple ‘good night’ for you, this was the last time you were gonna let him in. Your eyes followed him until he closed the door of your apartment. Fighting back your tears while softly saying to yourself, “I’m always going to love you…”.

The texts at 5 A.M. came again, but this time there was no answer. Jooheon started calling and sending texts for days, but you didn’t reply. All your efforts in disappearing from him on social media weren’t stopping him.

He met someone else, yet the texts wouldn’t stop. Until one day they did.

Now and then your curiosity would get the best of you and you would see his Instagram stories with her. An older girl you had met once. They were supposed to be friends.

You wanted to avoid comparing yourself to her but, he never posted something with you. It’s a dumb thing to worry about, but it’s one of those things that sometimes matter.

You tried to understand the whole situation. Accept the fact that you two weren’t meant to be. That he didn’t see a future with you.

Your days stopped revolving around him. You focused your time on getting your degree, learning another language, going out with your friends. Even tried meeting new people.

There were a few here and there. No one was enough for you.

Your ideas of love and relationships were different now. You gave another meaning to the word love. You wanted to find someone who would love you and take care of you. A quiet kind of love, real love.

What you had with Jooheon, was something you never wanted to experience again. Days went by, even months until you saw each other once more; for the first time in Jooheon’s life, he felt a knot in his stomach, he knew he lost you, for good this time.

Months passed and Jooheon left his girlfriend. He now felt different because he looked for you in everyone, yet he couldn’t find you, and he felt empty.

He cursed himself a thousand times for not knowing how to appreciate you and the love you gave him for two whole years. Tears finally fell from his eyes, he couldn’t believe he was crying for someone, crying for love, crying for you.

He took his phone out, swallowed hard, and started typing another text.

“I miss you, and I need you with me now and always, I never thought I would say this, but I’m not happy without you. Maybe I should’ve loved you less and loved you better, I just want you to know that I’ll always be waiting for you my sweet y/n…”

But the message was never delivered. You had changed your number.

It made sense that you would do that someday. It’s been too long, but this didn’t stop him from sending you texts in the middle of the night. When he felt the overwhelming need to have his arms wrapped around you.

──────────────────────

I still love you

(9:05 p.m.)

no, I don’t

(9:06 p.m.)

I’m confused why did this happen

(2:26 a.m.)

I want you to be happy, if this is what it takes then I’m okay with it. be happy. for me. please.

(10:45 a.m.)

I kind of hate you for changing your number

(8:57 p.m.)

I’m sorry

(1:43 a.m.)

maybe if I wasn’t so fucked up this wouldn’t have happened

(3:37 a.m.)

why can’t things be like they were before

(10:13 a.m.)

please come back to me. I need you. You need me

(1:58 a.m.)

I still want you

(4:06 a.m.)

──────────────────────

The day you left town was the day he swore to himself to try his best to get another chance to talk to you, just once more. To make things right, not caring anymore about his pride. He just wanted to let you know everything he didn’t say when you were by his side.

That he was sorry that it took him too long to acknowledge he was wrong. That he knew he was a little too late and wishes that he could say something more meaningful than a simple “I want you back”.

──────────────────────

“I wonder why” You smirked at him.

The more you kept making eye contact, the more you realized you didn’t feel any kind of resentment anymore. You both had grown, and while you didn’t actually need this kind of closure, you figured this was the healthiest moment to do so.

His eyes were avoiding you now, his smile was still there, but you could tell he lost a bit of his confidence. “Okay, so I’m gonna talk first, please just hear me out. I want to rip the band-aid,” He said with a forced laugh.

“I don’t know why I could never tell you that love scares me. That it scares me to be attached to someone”. His tone was soft now.

“I still play in my head the day you told me you were falling in love with me. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you not to tell me those things because you could have changed your mind any moment”.

“I never told you how I felt one of the many nights you spent with me. You were stroking my hair and I seriously felt like crying because I was fucking scared”.

“I was scared to lose you”.

“I’m sorry because I know I made you think I didn’t want you for something serious. I’m sorry for being immature”.

“I look at you now, and I’m happy to get to see you like this. You’re still everything I’ve ever wished for and more. You need to know that nothing compares to you”.

“And believe me, I don’t expect you to take my words as a way of asking you for another chance, I know I don’t deserve it… but I would really love it if you could let me show you I could love you better this time”.

You never imagined these words coming out of his mouth. Couldn’t believe how he was looking at you. Hopeful but understanding at your loss for words.

“Can I ask you one last thing?” His voice was barely audible, but you nodded at him.

“Well, maybe it’s not an actual question, but I’d like to know why you stopped talking to me”.

“Look Jooheon, I don’t know how everything I wanna say will come out, so please bear with me”.

You didn’t know where to start, either.

There were so many things to be said that you were getting nervous to start talking. Because once you opened your mouth, you didn’t know if you would be able to piece everything together.

“When everything ended I really wanted to hate you, everyone around me hated you,” you admitted to him, “except for me and I hated that”.

“I knew that all I could be able to do was cut you from my life, so I just decided to stop talking to you”.

It may sound harsh, but it’s the truth. “I admit it was a poor way of handling things, and I’m sorry for that”.

You’ve always been scared of having this type of conversation.

You let out a sigh because you never thought that the following words were gonna come out of your mouth, ever.

“I’ve only been in love once in my life, and that was when I was with you”.

“It used to frustrate me that I wasn’t able to make it work with anyone after you. I couldn’t help but compare everyone to you”.

“I swore to myself that I never wanted to go through the same thing we had, maybe because those memories are yours and I don't want anyone else messing that up, you made me feel so safe, I felt alive with you, nothing could stop me when I had you”.   “You've been the only one I've ever wanted to see every day, no matter the hour or how busy I was, I truly wanted everything with you”.

You hadn’t noticed how he had been looking at you this entire time. He couldn’t believe that you used to feel that way about him. Still couldn’t wrap his head around hearing you say how you loved him.

You quickly wiped a tiny little tear that escaped your eye, hoping we wouldn’t notice. But he did.

You let out a nervous laugh and said, “I’m not sad, I swear, It’s just that I never thought I would say all this out loud, especially to you”.

“You don't know how many times I wanted to call you, run to you”.

“Last year before I left I wanted to see you, I kept trying to convince myself that It didn't have to mean anything, that I was just desperate for any physical touch, but from time to time, I wonder if what I really needed was just you”.

He didn’t say anything. So you just said his name out loud. “Jooheon…” Followed by a long pause.

“I feel so different now”.

“When I was far away from you, I realized that I need someone who isn’t absent when it comes to me, someone that isn’t a ghost in my life”.

While you were talking, you were watching his every move and how he couldn’t stop playing with his rings. You’re still not used to seeing him act like this.

“At this point, I want someone who will take care of me, that makes me feel safe. Someone who wants to be with me because they love me, and they love to have me next to them. I’m beyond only spending the night over, I want whole days”.

You finally got up from the floor and sat next to Jooheon. Facing him, making him do the same. He kept looking at you for a whole minute but it felt like hours.

You didn’t know what to do after his following words.

“What I realized with being away from you is that I was pushing away what I’ve always wanted. I wasn’t confident that I could meet you where you were. I felt it would be better not to waste your time back then, but that was then, and this is now…”

You kept looking at each other a little too long. Both realizing you didn't need words anymore. The love was still there.

#monsta x #jooheon #joohoney #jooheon imagines #jooheon oneshot #jooheon monsta x #jooheon angst #jooheon fluff #monsta x fanfic #jooheon fanfic #monsta x fluff #monsta x angst

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experiment-000 · 3 years

Text

My Top 10 Ships of 2020

It's been a weird year but I've seen other people doing this. Plus this year I've been way more into gen fics (love a bit of found family especially in clone wars and marvel) than anything shippy. So I genuinely don't know what imma put on here aside from two ships for sure. Sorry this post is super long idk how to do the below the cut thing and I've had this app for 5 years...

10) Viktor Nikiforov and Yuuri Katsuki - Yuri!!! On Ice

It was a real toss up between this, supercorp, kanera and wolfstar cos they're all very integral ships to my fan heart but this son because of the Yuri on Ice fandom's rebirth this year. I've never stopped shipping this, never stopped reading fanfic of them for any extended period of time, they're still my most bookmarked ship on ao3 (although I think now star wars - all media types may have overtaken them for fandom). They were one of the first things I watched where the queer ship I loved became canon and I can't wait for the film (and hopefully someday a season 2). Heck I even made my mum watch Yuri on Ice with me so I think that says it all.

9) Edelgard Von Hresvelg and female Byleth - Fire Emblem: Three Houses

My first fire emblem game was fates when I was like 14 (and finally gay awake lol). I was so disappointed that I had to be with a guy character because the only female option was kinda creepy and also I wouldn't get the character of kana. So when three houses came out I was so happy because finally there were beautiful incredible female characters my female byleth could romance (I'm so sorry mlm you deserved so much more than you got). I got the game as soon as it came out (had to search a lot of shops let me tell you) and started on black eagles. I was actually kinda disappointed back in 2019. I didn't like the explore the monastery bit (still find it kinda tedious) and the battle mechanics weren't quite the same as fates (no pairing up?! Aka my main battle technique for protecting the weaker units). So I got like 20 hours in and put it down. Came back to it in lockdown and finally finished it! I'm so proud of myself I virtually never finish games. And I fully fell in love with the useless lesbian edelgard in the process. When I started back playing in 2020 I was like eh I wish I'd picked a different character to romance (like shes an emperor that's morally very shady) but then the romance stuff started with edelgard and I fell the heck in love.

8) Cory Matthews and Shawn Hunter (and Topanga Lawrence) - Boy Meets World

Disney+ was released in the UK this year and I finally got the opportunity to watch boy meets world in its best quality (aka not on YouTube). I watched it back when I was like 12 or 13 and it's such a nostalgic show for me. Watching it again I still absolutely adore it (and my bi ass was low-key crushing on Shawn especially in chick like me - I'm 18 btw and I got so scared for a sec but rider strong was 18 when chick like me came out so it's fine woah). And of course now I see the possibilities of the beautiful Cory and Shawn relationship like they were so bromance it was basically romance and throw in topanga it's the perfect ot3 (but I'm also fine with just Cory and Shawn or just Cory and Topanga). Read some good fanfic for them this year. My favourite was one about Shawn stealing makeup and stuff and exploring gender (need more fics like this I'm biiii).

7) Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes - Marvel Cinematic Universe

I rewatched all the MCU films this year too. And got really into Peter parker whump and irondad. Plus my eternal obsession with identity and relationship reveals of course led me from Spiderman identity reveals (and found family cuteness) to stucky coming out. Especially when it involves the internet and social media. Not my favourite ship but it's been significant to my year due to the sheer amount of marvel stuff I've read.

6) Satine Kryze and Obi Wan Kenobi - Star Wars

I rewatched clone wars in prep for season 7 and wow Satine's death was sad and sudden. She first appeared in S2 E13 I think and just the sheer sexual tension of their bickering. "The sarcasm of a soldier. The delusion of a dreamer." Just ugnnhhh my bi ass can't take much more of this. And Anakin just sipping his wine in the background grinning. And I fully believe korkie is a Kenobi.

5) Commander Cody and Obi Wan Kenobi - Star Wars

I am very much an Obi wan multishipper. I don't really have a favourite but I fully believe he was with satine and Quinlan in his life. I don't think be would've actually done anything with Cody because of the whole superior officer thing. And this probably isn't even my favourite Obi wan ship - that honour probably goes to quinobi or obitine. However the most popular ships in the fandom are codywan, quiobi and obikin. No offence to anyone who ships these they're just personally not to my taste, but I can't stand quiobi, and obikin I find only slightly more tolerable and I think that's just because there's so much obikin content so if I like the concept of a fic that happens to be obikin I'll read it. I'm just not a fan of the mentor/student relationships. So I generally favoured the codywan fics when there was shipping involved meaning I read a lot of them this year. Needed that nice fix it content post season 7.

4) Zuko and Katara - Avatar: the Last Airbender

Again I am a multishipper I have nothing against zukka it's cute. But I'm a zutara shipper first and foremost because when I first watched avatar I was like 13 and denying my gayness and gayness in general so I shipped the straight things and the straight things only. Most of these ships I stopped shipping - dramione, spuffy, some my little pony ones which we don't talk about. Zutara stayed. (I have nothing against any of the things I used to ship I just stopped shipping them so much/shipped new things more). I've continuously shipped zutara since I first watched avatar even if I didn't necessarily spend that much time on it it has always been here as one of my favourite ships. It has such good fanfic I swear including my favourite ever fanfic from any fandom - love thy enemy. Plus like the black games (reread this for the millionth time this year), a delicate subterfuge (which I read for the first time this year and damn it's so good) and so many more. With the avatar resurgence this year I haven't actually rewatched avatar aside from my normal random episode every now and then when I feel like it. But there's been a lot of avatar on my dash from people I follow getting into it and people I followed for avatar returning so naturally I returned to the fandom and read quite a lot of fanfic. I also read just a lot of avatar gen fics which were great at the whole found family thing I've been so obsessed with this year.

3) Catra and Adora - She Ra and the Princesses of Power

Catradora is canon! They kissed! What more is there to say. Arguably they should've been top but I never shipped them that much since I was always very much a multishipper when it came to she ra so yes I was very happy it became canon because we actually won for once but also I've never read much fanfic for them etc. But they are very much a dynamic I love and watching she ra all again in prep for season 5 I really enjoyed the build up of their relationship. The other two only go above because Buffy is my favourite show ever and damn there's some good fuffy fanfic and Aphra and Tolvan is both fresh in my mind and star wars owns me. Would love some catradora fic recs btw if anyone has them tho.

2) Buffy Summers and Faith Lehane - Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I didn't realise it was last year that I got super into them but according to my ao3 bookmarks it was lol. 2020 I swear it's lasted an eternity. I got into them about a month before lockdown (which feels like another lifetime). I've loved Buffy since I first watched it when I was 13. It's arguably still my favourite TV show. I've been through a lot of ships for Buffy - bangel to spuffy and now fuffy. I still think angel and her were a beautiful ship back in season 2 and especially in the angel episode I will remember you. But faith and Buffy had so much chemistry in season 3 - she would've been a fresh start for Buffy and the amount of fix it fics I read I swear. My favourite has to be one where they met in LA during Anne and how that changed everything feat Buffy's internal homophobia.

1) Cheili Lona Aphra and Magna Tolvan - Star Wars

I read Darth Vader (2015) and Doctor Aphra (2016) for the first time at the end of 2020 (got a comic subscription which has served me very well already I've nearly finished the star wars canon comics). Just to see canon queer ladies in star wars was so magical for me as a queer lady. I didn't think star wars would be so overt yet as to have a queer kiss in canon (even if it's in the comics) and especially not with the main character of arguably their main comic series. Now we just gotta hope that we'll get it in live action someday soon. They weren't the ship I consumed the most content of in 2020 but they were the highlight of my 2020 because star wars did that and I finally found out about it

Honourable mentions: Vivian and Elle - Legally Blonde, Candace and Vanessa - Phineas and Ferb, Stevie and Alex - Wizards of Waverly Place, Xander and Spike - Buffy the Vampire Slayer (I actually don't ship this but damn some authors are good - this was the ship that made me realise I don't need to like a ship if the author is good enough to write it well), Eli Vanto and Mitth'raw'nuruodo - Star Wars (started reading the books last year but finished this year and only started with fanfic this year), Villanelle and Eve - Killing Eve, Kanan and Hera - Star Wars, Barriss and Ahsoka - Star Wars, Remus and Sirius - Harry Potter, Kara and Lena - Supergirl (let's hope this becomes canon next year!) (Those last four are ones I've shipped forever some of my og ships but nothing particularly big has happened for me this year with them so)

I got Disney+ this year so rewatched a fair few things from my youth and though hey my obsession with that character may have been a little gay.

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mischievouspoltergeist · 5 years

Text

When my mother got sick last year, someone asked me why I had such an issue with taking care of her (as I'd expressed I really didn't feel like I 'had' to or owed her that much as she had never taken care of us ever, let alone when we were sick, but that I intended to try anyway) since I called her my best friend (supposedly, at some point, I believe I probably did, it was something she made me say at family gatherings a lot).

It's taken almost a year and a whole lot of shit for me to answer that question: I was stuck in an abusive relationship with my mother and the only way to survive was to make myself believe we really were friends. Because if I let myself realise she really didn't care about me, I could never have sorted in my head why I did everything she wanted, why I went along with so much and why I stuck around.

In many ways, the pattern of abuse was identical to my relationship with a man who had narcissistic personality disorder (diagnosed, aware of it and chose not to engage in help). Except, I left him after four months, but for at least three of those I was kept on a string of believing I was the problem whilst he screamed in my face, bullied me and physically abused me.

My relationship with my mother lasted 23 years. For many of those years I was still a child. I was so easy to indoctrinate with ideas and beliefs that I was the root of all the problems in her world. I went with it. I've spent years feeling like I ruined my mother's life because that's what she told me. I've spent YEARS trying to make up for what I did by being born because that's what she told me to do.

It's led to me growing up to become a vulnerable adult. When I think someone loves me, I think their opinion about me must just be right. Because surely someone who loves you wouldn't tell you were a fat whore unless it was true, right?

It was so easy to dodge questions like 'why do you put up with her if she literally is so rude to you all the time?' with a 'idk. She's my best friend' because don't best friends speak every day? Don't best friends do things together constantly? Don't best friends scream at their best friend when they haven't spoken to them in 5 hours? Don't best friends kick and shout and scream when you say you're busy and can't do anything that day?

My friends witnessed many incidents with my mum and would ask, incredously, why the fuck I hang around her when she spoke to me that way, and it would just be a shrug. It was easier to go along with it than fight it. Fighting back meant being screamed at and frightening displays of controlling behaviour. It was as simple as if I hung around my mum daily, the abuse was at around 30-70% severity dependent on her mood. If I ignored her for a few days, then the abuse was at 80-100% severe. Imagine going to spend the day with someone who is going to yell at you every time you speak, put you down at every chance, find an insecurity and dig and dig and dig. So you avoid that by letting her abuse you just a bit less daily.

I was dependant on my mum for much of life's little things and she made sure of that. It's been hard and relying on my friends to help me is difficult and scary because I'm so used to it coming with a cupful of abuse. I'm always on edge, waiting for it to blow up in my face.

I also just don't know where to draw lines thanks to my mums abuse. How much abuse is too much? My chart is way off. I will keep trying cos god, the size of the cup of abuse my mum fed me daily was absolutely huge compared to the abuse I've ever had from others. Someone could say one nice thing about me and abuse me the rest of the day and that would still be less abuse than my mother dealt me.

I made so many excuses for her. She admitted fully she never wanted me from the start - my dad wanted me but when I was born, he changed his mind and got a job so she had to put her life on hold and so I ruined everything. I was a problem from the start because I was female, and that meant I was going to be abused in her eyes, so she detached herself (was she ever attached?) rather than even attempt to protect me. I excused her for that. I first shouldered the blame for why she hated me when I was 6/7 years old and she told me about her own past. The grand irony is that had she been watching, had she cared to pay attention, I would likely not have been abused. The grandest irony of all was that my biggest abuser was her.

I still catch myself excusing her. 'Oh I always went silent after she screamed at me for daring to ask her not to be nasty towards me. Maybe I could have spoken up more.' even though I know logically that only made things worse. I remember once asking her if I could remove the furniture from my bedroom when she was away (so I could store it in her room) so that I could remove the black mould growing all up my windows, my walls and (as I later discovered), all up the sides of my actual bed and mattress. I was so ill all of the time and my breathing was a mess. I could smell it all the time, it was so overwhelming and although I cleaned what I could, due to my bedroom being a closet, I couldn't get behind anything without removing everything. She said no. No reason, no explanation, just no. Like most things that benefitted me. I was incredibly frustrated and begged that I could barely breathe for mould, she screamed at me that I deserved it and it was my fault. Black mould had been a persistent problem in that room long before I moved into it, as she had lived there before and seen it. I finally raised my voice and told her I wasn't going to accept this blatant disregard for my health and I was going to do it next time she was away anyway. I was paying rent at that point but it did not stop her getting up and getting in my face and telling me to get the fuck out her house. The third or so time she had kicked me out. There was no reasoning with her. She liked it when I suffered.

She is a narcissist through and through and I have been suffocated by narcissistic abuse for 23 years. Even now, she attempts to abuse me via my brother and father and even the government. She has lost her victim - the last person willing to take her shit. Most her family and friends are not willing to help her for more than five minutes as she treats them unkindly when she realises they will take it and stick around. I've watched her do it, and it just gets worse and worse for those people like it did for me. But they leave, because it has not been 23 years for them.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm just... Through. My dad accepted my ultimatum and chose me. It's a weird feeling and a promise I hope he can keep. I know she asks him for information and I have told him to stop giving it to her repeatedly.

To those who think a mother deserves for their child to revere them permanently just because they birthed them... You're wrong. It is our actions and choices that shape our relationship and at every choice, my mother chose to act in her own interests with no care for anyone else. This is a woman who let a man beat her children whilst bragging to them he'd never hit her cos he knew she'd leave. I gave both my parents chances to mend our relationships and believe me, my dad was an appalling parent growing up. He was atrocious. But he decided he wanted to mend that relationship and he wanted to be a dad. Yes, it's sad he didn't realise it sooner but I'm happy for the relationship I have with him now, even if it's not perfect and he really doesn't know how to dad sometimes. My mum? My mum will still tell you it's my fault she finished her degree a year later than she wanted because I was born and I ruined everything 23 years ago. I dared to be born female and put that stress on her. She holds it over my head like it is my responsibility to fix. It has broken me. I've spent 23 years trying to make up to her the faults of my being born and nothing will ever, EVER be good enough to do that. I have given all I have to give. I literally have nothing left to give.

#me #Abuse #Parental abuse #Narcissistic abuse #Actuallyabused

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