#idk if I ever was this bad

[queenmouseyy]

update abt my life eeeeeeeeeeeeeee

TW/CW: suicide/ s/h, overdose!!!!

currently needing to go emergency therapist, having constant paranoia that apparently is turning into panic syndrome, heart is always going a bit faster (went thoguht blood pressure machine thing we have here to check), struggling staying clean from s/h for more then 3 days, attempted to end life by overdose, need to have parents give my meds by hand bc I may just overdose myself any moment again, struggling knowing what was dream, made-up and reality, having alot of nightmares where i get tortured and said I deserve to die

the only thing that is keeping me sane is my comfort ocs atp bc im just truly in pain. Doesnt matter what I do I fel I have blood in my hands and I can't take it off, everytime I try to clean it it gets worse and worse, Im in fear smth happens every second and I know if it does happen my mom gonna deal with it legally but it still scary. Im just praying it gets better any soon

#mousey talk #vent #may try go visit friend this month #everytime i visit them i get vv happy #or try go shopping with them #i wanna try go out more or smth #hhhhh #my lfie been so diff #hopefully it gets better soon #idk when was the last time i was this bad #idk if I ever was this bad #like even after I got grommed I reacted way better then THIS #atp im just waiting for someone do the small push i need to jump off

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail'' #ah tumblr... #writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" ..... #no.... not really..... #idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing... #this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey. #idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me. #i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

[notherpuppet]

Husk and Alastor have a battle of wits, drinking, and jazz. AKA how I think Husk found out about Al’s situation.

Music: JK Sax’s cover of Tones and I “Dance Monkey”

I’m not a talented enough musician so I couldn’t make the music that was in my head lol but dance monkey fits pretty well.

Alastor: Husker, is that all you got? Hahaha, take another shot!

Husk: You ain’t on a sadist’s leash, you can’t know-it-all. Can’t know what I been through, if you ain’t at a beck and call!

Alastor: Ha! I win this spat with ease, looks like you’ve hit the wall. Cuz Jokes on you, I know that too, I know it all!

Husk: You…what?

Al: Perhaps, I’ve had too much to drink this time. Do yourself a favor, banish this night from your mind.

Husk: U-understood.

Al: Hm, good.

#hazbin hotel #fanimatic #alastor #husk #hazbin hotel fanart #I looooooved drawing drunk alastor soooo much #idk if we’ll ever be able to see it in canon but I want it so bad #I just can’t imagine that he’d have a heart to heart with husk #because he’s heartless #the info must have come out of reckless one upmanship #that’s what I think #my doods #liked by creator #radiohusk

[isolabellz]

in another life

#jjk #stsg #satosugu #satoru gojo #getou suguru #zoom in for details idk why i decided to draw on a canvas so huge #anyone want a poster? #anyway forever live in the delusional world where stsg are teachers together #they are one big happy family #nothing bad has ever happened #happy birthday geto #you deserved therapy and to grow old and raise kids with your bf

[crumb-crumblet-s-crumbington]

different POV of this comic

x

#ethan winters #karl heisenberg #wintersberg #resident evil #resident evil fanart #rebhfun #resident evil village #resident evil 8 #re8 #i dont think karl would ever be the kind of guy to outwardly verbally say “i love you” #not to say he DOESNT love ethan #he just has a lot of trouble saying those three words out loud lol #he shows his love in a different way but i think its hard sometimes #had a conversation with my friend and i think if ethan and karl were to get into a argument karl woul definetly not apologize #he would definetly feel bad and sulk a lot #but i dont think he would ever bring himself to say hes sorry #hes a little too arrogant and emotionally stunted to do that #sorry i like thinking about all the aspects of relationship dynamics #hed apologize by making ethan a robot that kills people who r mean to him IDK LOL

[twinstxrs]

so much happened in this whole episode but i’m still on fig infiltrating ruben’s dream, making it look like the place where his friend was murdered, and then disguising herself as kipperlilly & repeatedly saying different variants of “somebody needs to take the fall for this, and it’s not going to be me. it’s going to be you.” while adaine as the elven oracle shows up next to her. can you imagine waking up from that, the idea of a horrible truth being pinned on you by your friend to save her own skin while the personification of fate and destiny stands there, almost as a promise that this is GOING to happen to you. we don’t even know if this kid is guilty. my god.

#fantasy high #dimension 20 #fhjy #fhjy spoilers #fantasy high junior year #fig faeth #ruben hopclap #lucy frostblade #the rat grinders #adaine abernant #kipperlilly copperkettle #watching fig terrorize him like girl!!! we don’t even know if he’s guilty!!!! #this might just be for me but i do not think 5 teenagers willingly brutally killed their friend idk #like there just has to be some other element to it and i am very scared to find out what that was #what if they were put in a position where they felt there was/there was no other choice… like oh my god #my comedy brain is having fun but my ‘this is a teenager’ brain is in such deep distress all the time this season #the rat grinders i trust brennan to not make u cartoonishly evil so i am holding u as gently as i can in my confused shaky hands #also with the devil’s nectar i’ve been wondering why they all seem so well-adjusted & now i’m curious if they’ve been intentionally- #changing their memories in a way so that either the trauma is lesser or they think they aren’t guilty. idk #but it seems like from how gertie was talking she was making it more recently so the well adjustedness from early jy doesn’t quite add up #they could have another source maybe??? idk i’m just low stakes 4 a.m. spitballing here #there’s also the strong possibility that they’re aware of what happened but they weren’t the ones who killed lucy. idk who knows #the way you could probably devil’s nectar yourself into believing it wasn’t your fault someone died… CRAZY IMPLICATIONS!!! CRAZY IDEA!!! #anyways the bad kids & the rat grinders don’t ever have to like each other but i do wonder if at least some of those kids deserve a chance

[owlpellet]

if you are an artist just trying out commissions for the first time as holidays come up, my advice to you to avoid burnout is have a clear ToS that states what you do and do not want to do.

not what you can and cannot do, but what you do and do not want to do. don't try to be the cheesecake factory of commission artists and take every single commission even if it doesn't suit your style or preferred subject matter. don't write a little disclaimer about how you aren't very good at backgrounds or vehicles but will do your best; that's how you get a client that for some reason wants a full brooklyn cityscape from you and suddenly you have spent five months stressed out and guiltily avoidant of other projects. just say you aren't offering backgrounds.

if you're not interested or confident in concept and design, be clear in your ToS that you need specific references for things like clothes and features. coming up with design ideas is a completely separate skill from rendering them; figure out with what you are comfortable before accepting the task. a lot of clients themselves don't understand that saying "do whatever" is basically tasking you to design for them, something for which you are well within your rights to charge accordingly.

pick your niche and hone it, and stretch your comfort zone with private work. you'll figure out as you go just how far your comfort zone stretches and can update what you offer accordingly.

#these on top of taking comms at a reeeeally bad point mentally #are mistakes i made #and mistakes everyone i know has made #i still feel Not Great about my last time opening and ultimately refunding a couple people #because i was trapped in the porta potty of my own brain #idk if i will ever open formally again it left me feeling so bad #but you!!! #you will not make this mistake

[bakudekublogblog]

bkdk can't hold hands and they can't hug so hori is going to have no choice but to give us eight panels of sloppy tongue kissing

#bkdk #bakudeku #mha spoilers #bnha spoilers #i'm nOT coping well i am NOT #NOT HANDLING IT #ITS NOT BEING HANDLED #AND IZUKU ISNT FUCKING HANDLING THINGS EVER FUCKING AGAIN HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #HORI I'M TRYING TO TRUST YOU SO BAD RN BUT THIS SERO SUGAR MAN AND TAIL MAN SUDDEN RESCUE vs BKDK TEAM UP AGAINST AFO IDK IDK IDK #I'M upsetti

[soldier-poet-king]

Ik halsin was a last minute addition but I kinda wish he had a full romance route ngl. Like. He's not normally my type of man but I am not immune to his treetrunk arms, kindhearted gentle trustworthiness, and stupid whittling of wooden ducks. The old worn sadness in his eyes. The burden of unwanted leadership. The hundreds of years of work to correct a past percieved mistake. The unending compassion for literally everyone, but esp children & the tiefling refugees. The wanderer and free spirit who, without giving up his freedom, finally finds a purpose, a reason to stop wandering, a devoted goal for his heart. He's SAFE and KIND and I like that in a man.

#his epilogue made me cry. ngl. like a lot????? #bg3 #halsin #idk man im just. not immune to giant bear man #also can we please talk abt what happened with him and the drow #its never resolved. and sir. sir. that is a trauma #talk all you want abt the oak father's gifts but like. sir. that is imprisonment and assault. can we please discuss this. #he is also very direct and i appreciate that #like no sir i do not want to talk about sex but at LEAST we're all on the same page #and hes respectful and not pushy gross #IM BAD AT READING CUES. I NEED U TO BE DIRECT WITH ME #i say. as a hypocrite. who only ever previcates bc vulnerability is dangerous

[juniemunie]

[Abandoned by the Lightners, his heart became cracked with hatred.]

Hitting a lil' too close to home?

#junie art post #ink sans #error sans #utmv #errorink #implied. but yea not the focus #this has been turning around in my mind for quite some time. im glad to finish it lmao idk if my ramblings make sense even. #so like listen. do you ever think about how similar the function of the utmv is to the dark worlds in deltarune. #in a meta narrative to fandom sense? idk the word #we are making exaggerated expanded worlds of the ordinary tools and entertainment of the real world and make it into something more #isnt that very very interesting? #and we explore every sort of possibility in that creation. both good and bad #and when all is said and done. every possibility found and the entertainment and secrets has all run out #we put it away. abandon and leave it behind #what is left? what happens to the world and characters we have created? can it sustain without us? #what of the ones left in the dark? #idk if yall saw me a few months ago but i reblogged comyet's old post of ink begging us not to leave him alone and to keep creating #yea that never left me #and seeing exactly THAT SCENARIO in deltarune made my brain iTCH #imagine an ink in King's position.... wait isnt that just underverse #mmmmmmm. darkner ink..... #also error is here too. not just for errorink or that i can't separate these two to save my life #but error is also one of the few people to be able to GET IT?? he can hear the creators too. ink cant #but hes pretty much programmed himself to avoid having a mental break down to this via reboot memory loss. #and ink has his own internal coping mechanism (hooray for short term memory loss) #these two idiots will do anything but confront truths lmfao #ahhh my favorite idiots. never change #mmmmm #deltarune

[magicandmundane]

I just rewatched The Crossing, and with the added context from s3, it’s honestly a wonder how the Batch got literally anything done during the Clone Wars before Echo and Omega joined them between Wrecker and Tech bickering over every little thing that goes wrong and Hunter and Crosshair beating each other up over snide comments lmao

#they’re clowns your honor #echo and omega hold this team together #idk how they do it #all i know is they don’t get paid enough #the bad batch #tbb season 2 #tbb season 3 #tbb spoilers #tbb season 3 spoilers #mild spoilers yeah but the hunter and crosshair drama is spoilery all the same lol #clone force 99 #tbb echo #tbb omega #tbb hunter #tbb crosshair #tbb tech #tbb wrecker #i suppose they pull their shit together on the battlefield #but how they ever GOT TO the battlefield without killing each other is a mystery to me

[toytulini]

listen im ace and im pro kink at pride and whatever, but the way some of yall are wording your posts in response to the backlash against it is uh. really taking me back to the ace shitcourse era.

yall know theres nothing wrong with being a "virgin", right? that its not inherently shameful to have not had sex, to never have sex, even if youre not ace, even if you do want to have sex someday, like, its fine that you haven't had sex?

maybe if your problem is that theyre trying to police your behavior and shame you for expressing your sexuality, you can say that? instead of resorting to "haha stupid virgin gets no bitches" like my god. do you not hear how fucking regressive that attitude is? i know, i know, youre "joking".

get a better joke

#toy txt post #god im going to regret this post im gonna regret it so much i can feel it in my bones #let it flop..........pls #internalize my message let it sink in and understand what i am saying and then let the post flop #i say. knowing the ppl who need to see such a message are the ones who will make me regret this post and regrwt not having #1 million bajillion disclaimers #virgin is in quotes bc its a bullshit made up stupid purity culture concept anyway and quite frankly i hate even seeing the word #disclaimer: the previous sentence is not me saying that it is a slur for asexuals. it is me a single individual saying this specific word #grosses me out to read and see everywhere when its a stupid bullshit binary made up or at least historically largely used #to shame largely women and i dont know why we're still using it in 2023 #and ive just been. seeing such an uptick in this whole like. attitude? lately and like #im ace im minorly sex repulsed. mostly about anything sex at me bad. other adults sex at each other consensually? go wild #i like to think im pretty chill about it. i try to be. i think its fine ig to be like 'my meat is huge i fuck so much so good' #like okay not my thing but good for you. love that for you #but then some of yall have started turning it back around back to. 'haha your meat so small and shriveled you get no bitches' #'haha stupid incel virgin' like okay. didnt realize we all went back to fucking. middle school but okay #god im gonna run out of tine to get ready for my thing writing this stupid post UGH evil #but like idk we've kinda circled back to being like haha being a virgin still is stupid and silly and shameful #and if im quite honest. i do think the acecourse played a part in that bc i felt like we were making good progress in like #hey guys is fine to not have sex ever if you dont want to its fine to not want sex its fine #and then aphobes went fucking rabid on us and splintered and destroyed online communities all over but especially on tumblr #and so many aces went back in the closet we stopped talking about it we stopped spreading awareness and now this stupid goddamn like #and now this stupid bullshit attitude is back where its like funny to call someone a virgin as an insult but like no bro trust me its okay #its okay for me to do it bc im a hot queer person with huge meat instead of a cisstraight frat bro with huge meat #? like you know the issue was the behavior right? not the fact that it was straight dudes saying it? its bc the thing being said was shitty? #you know you can dunk on the puritan bitches trying to police your behavior at pride without getting us as collateral damage right #stop making me read that stupid ugly ass word ur not cool or funny #whatever #if you come on to this post to start shit i will not only block you but as many of your mutuals and followers as i can find. i will scroll #i will block this entire fucking website if i need to do not test me. i am exhausted and the acecourse ate up all my tolerance in 2015.

[inkskinned]

he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.

except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?

at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.

except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.

about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.

he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.

#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag #writeblr #it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal #fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho) #healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy #im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage.... #1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind #and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes #2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception'' #3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.'' #idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh #im sure there are people who have this experience normally #but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists #when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band'' #edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful #once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large #but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry. #but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes #but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally. #i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes #people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism #but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet . #i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY #and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound. #but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in #i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too. #here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change #was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort) #choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL

[heartorbit]

just how can i protect your smile?

#you guys like yaoi? can i get you some yaoi #pjsk #prsk #project sekai #proseka #tsukasa tenma #rui kamishiro #ruikasa #AUUUUUGH. #this is what finally makes me actually draw riks. vocaloid autism #putting the link in the caption because NOBODY FUCKIGN TLAKS ABOUT SCISSORHANDS EVER WHERES THE HYPE I NEED HER. SONG OF THE DECADE(2009) #this song makes me incredibly normal. my bad. i saw the miume choreography when i was like 11 and my brain shifted #i wanted their outfits to look like mikus in the mv so bad. Fuck my life for that btw stupid fuckign frill trim. why did she have to slay #tried to think of smth other than butterflies for kasa but i have no brain and tbh i hope his life is miserable so its fine #me posting this only to tmblr and not twt because i fucking hate twt #im drawing more song covers that live in my mind palace so i'll pist them there all together. and maybe here all together. who give a shit. #emnn skeleton orchestra next and it will fix me #Good lord. sorry. Im so caught up posting this for no reason. Get me out of here #im supposed to have a lecture in 3 hours but post covid symptoms say otherwise. im so fucked #i have a cyberpunk dead boy wip with them but idk i dont like posting wips on here its like an archive. n i want to actually finish it #but dear lord rendering it with their stupid outfits. clutches my chest falls to the floor. AUUUUGH #wxs killing me killing me taking damage augh auugh aughg

[horse-surgeon-barbie]

maybe we STOP playing house ,, we're not good at it

#rick and morty #rick and morty spoilers #fear no mort #rick sanchez #diane sanchez #beth sanchez #beth smith #amramdoods #this was kinda venty (which is why i didn't post it on main tbh) #but like the idea of beth losing in every possible scenario of this made me feel really bad </3 #like the more i think about the show the worse i feel because it's just this tragic story of how these three people can't fit together ever #like it taught me that maybe some people just should not be parents if your kid is gonna lose THIS much at all times :( #anyway i'm rambling whatever i just needed to post this idk #oh idk if this needs a tw so if it does for anyone just tell me and i'll add it

[rbtlvr]

smth for @remedyturtles new fic firefight! the twins ever <3 i'm sure they're fine

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt #tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise donnie #rise leo #rottmnt donnie #rottmnt leo #HOW MANY TAGS GO IN SEARCH AGAIN. IDK IF ITS STILL FIVE OR NOT. LMAO #my art #anyway read firefight it has had a grip on my soul for the past. uh. hwoever long ago it was that rem came up w the idea #at least a month i think. idk im so bad at time WHEEZE #anwyay words cannot express how fucking excited i am for this fic you guysfjklah;fkldsjlf #ALSO PROUD THAT I REMEMBERED TO GIVE THEM THE CORRECT GEAR THIS TIME LMAO #i forget half the time </3 thats why cmh gang is stuck w their old gear forever and ever whoops