#idk how to cope with the fact that irl and online no relationship I have i secure no situation I’m in is secure

[whimsyprinx]

a fun realization I had last night is that I have neither an actual family nor a found family

#whimsy whispers #this isn’t said to discredit the friends who do love me and make me feel wanted I love and cherish y’all #but like one or maybe two people isn’t a family or a support group it’s jsut a few people who happen to care for me somehow #and while I do feel like I have a secure place in yalls lives (mainly because again some of y’all are so damn persistent) it’s not the same #as feeling like entirely secure of my place in everyone’s lives #o can count on one hand the amount of people I genuinely feel like I’m wanted by and secure with which is just abdnfnt mega sad for me #idk how to cope with the fact that irl and online no relationship I have i secure no situation I’m in is secure #as I’ve said before it’s so easy for people to toss me aside without a second thought it’s happened before it’ll happen again it’s happening #rn and there’s very little to be done about it and I’m honestly too tired to keep trying to do anything about it anymore

[softcorecurcits]

Maybe it’s a bipolar thing or maybe it’s a aromantic thing or a trauma thing but the thought of being perceived romantically makes me physically ill and upset to the point of anger every time without fail. Flirting is fine if I know you just be clear that it’s platonic and will only ever be viewed as platonic in my eyes and I might not always be in the mood to flirt back. I’m also fine talking about nsfw topics because I just find them interesting but I have no sexual desires for other people whatsoever. (Objects and fictional characters are another story)

I wish there was like npc mechanics where I’m undatable and there are no mods that can “fix” this. Also wish people wouldn’t get crushes on me but I can’t really change the way people feel I can just like cope ig. Not vauging just something that’s been on my mind again, also remembering an unpleasant encounter with a fan of my work thinking that liking my art (but hardly knowing me) was justifiable enough info to develop and confess an undying crush on me. Idk it just reads as you don’t actually care about me as a person and something is appealing about me either with what I can do for you (art wise or god forbid, sexualy) and what you imagine I’m like (not real, not actual me) or even worse, you’re a chaser and just think it’s hot that I’m trans??? my online persona is a lot different than the real me FYI. This is a small lense into my life and I don’t think anyone can actually form a decent idea of romantic compatibility from online interactions alone (LONG DISTANCE AND E-DATING ARE VERY DIFFERENT) I don’t believe in e-dating and if you can’t meet up before dating eachother I don’t think you should date online, you don’t actually know the person and can’t get a good look at how they actually are irl and you don’t wanna be a year or two into dating someone and find out you’re absolutely incompatible with them irl or worse they are horribly abusive irl. I feel like I’m gonna get a lot of hate for this but that used to be my only form of dating and it quite literally ruined a good chunk of my teenhood and my early adulthood and I just don’t see the appeal of it anymore and every time I see it in the wild it’s 9/10 the most toxic two individuals who should not be in a relationship with each other at all (or worse, a very passive individual with the most toxic grading and blatantly abusive person I’ve ever witnessed) and I just gotta gawk at it like how… how do you think this is love or enjoyable at all?

Also don’t look at me, this is romantic advice for someone completely repulsed by the idea of dating so take it with a gigantic grain of salt. I don’t judge anyone who is e-dating I genuinely don’t care. If you can make this work in a healthy way I’m happy for you! But I don’t think a majority of people are mature or mentally stable enough to actually make it work without devolving into codependency with a fucking screen.

If your partner on your screen can make you cry you should break up with them they don’t get better irl in fact it will most likely be worse.

#rant

[nakunakunomi]

Why I am less active ~ again ~

Cw: mental health // selfshipping // spoilers [One Piece]

Might delete this later, but I am having a moment and I honestly do not know where else to post this without coming across as annoying or weird or whatever.

Please DO NOT REBLOG.

So, it's been an emotional week or two, I have been sick because of sleep deprivation on top of it all and I am pretty sure shark week is coming up, so I am being an emotional mess right now. I won't bother y'all with the details, cause frankly, they don't matter. But I can feel my mental health just spiraling down and I have no way to stop it. It'll soon be the summer holiday, and hopefully I will have some time to recuperate.

Anyway, that's not what it is about here. This is about the most recent OP chapter leaks, altho by now it might actually be out (idk, I usually actually don't follow the manga *this* closely). If you're not there and you don't want to be spoiled then please consider this your final warning to stop reading.

So, in the final chapter Ashura and Izo died. Now... I have not been following super closely, and I am not even sure why I checked the spoilers earlier. I know it's fictional characters, trust me, I am 10000% aware. And yet. Izo's death has hit me a little harder than I expected.

For the past 2 years, he's been my main comfort character and I was actively selfshipping with him. Not so much on Tumblr because I am too self-aware and insecure to throw it out in the open like that, but on discord, among friends, and in some little writings that I never shared up here.

Selfshipping has been a great comfort while I figure out what is wrong with me mental health wise. It's been a great tool to figure out what I look for IRL relationships, hell it's been a help figuring out my sexuality, all in a safe online environment, helping me reflect on the real life that's not online. It's been a great comfort whenever I feel insecure, a source of humor to look back onto on bad days, just a very nice coping mechanism for when the depresso hits hard.

It's nothing new that a comfort character dies, it's almost a running meme that 90% of my comfort characters don't make the end of whatever medium they're part of and usually I handle it pretty well. An emotional reaction at the moment I see/read/hear it happen, and maybe some exaggerated online outrage, then some memes and acceptance, 5 stages of grief, but make it funny kinda thing.

But for some reason, this hit super hard? Be it hormones, depression, the fact that my real life is having some struggles at the moment... it just was the figurative drop that made the bucket spill (is that how you say it in English?) and I have been crying some real human tears over non real characters.

I had planned a tiny break while being on weekend with my students and wanted to get back to writing (especially for the summer event and OP bingo) the moment I got home. Instead I kinda got teary eyed and shut my laptop again. My head just fills with Angsty thoughts, and while those are all fun and games whenever I am in a good place, now is not the moment for it. So I am taking a little break again, I am extremely sorry.

I *will* get over it, and will do what any other fanfic writer does in situations like this: ignore canon and move on. But for now it kinda hurts and I feel silly even admitting to it.

Anyway. I just needed to let that out, writing down my feelings is somewhat cathartic and I am running out of tissues, so I had to try something else. I am not even sure if many people will read this because my range has been a little less again lately, but I just had to get it off my chest? Sorry for making you read this entire rambling wall of text if you're still reading. I am not even sure if I am making any sense at all.

Signing off with loads of love, and drink a lot of water, be gentle for yourself, it's what I am doing rn as well. ♡

Love, Hazel

Ps: please don't reblog, invalidate my feelings cause the characters are not real or if you don't like selfshipping. Anything negative said, I'll just block.

#mental health #depression tw #selfshipping #one piece spoilers #rant #personal #rambles #hazel speaks #hazel is feeling emotional #prolly delete later #am sorry

[no-vamos]

Lolzies (I should not be lolzie-ing about this but here we are) I have such bad internalized biphobia

And it really sucks bc

I’m bisexual

I know think Im bisexual

And by internalized biphobia I mean

I’ve been ”involved” in the lgbtq+ community since I was 12~ or so and just

I’ve really wanted to feel like I “fit in” if that makes sense?

Like I hate heteronormativity and I’m still growing and learning and sometimes I tend to overcorrect my beliefs to the point that there’re times where im like “it’s not ‘physically’ acceptable for me to be in a ‘het’ relationship bc then im not queer”

Which in and of itself is a stupid mindset bc if I grow up and learn I am lying to myself (panics) and I am actually straight (WHICH ISNT A BAD THING EITHER), then that’s going to be a super painful realization. And from that you can also see this whole “what if this is all just a phase” as if that’s a bad thing? Like

Ugh this is also just a me thing where im such a people pleaser and like “ahhhh straight people don’t like gay people and gay people don’t like straight people so that means I have to be both AND neither at the same time”

If it’s not clear by this point I have identity issues but I also mentioned I am still growing and maturing so 🤷‍♀️

So yea I overcompensate for that mindset by, with my current knowledge of my attraction, being attracted to (unsure amount of genders bc I have no game lol)(but more than just my opposite gender on the “binary” spectrum (also I should really talk about my desire to destroy the thought that it’s a binary spectrum and instead replace it with like a circular or cubic spectrum if that makes any sense? lol another time)) and also despising the fact that I can’t just be attracted to “one” gender

So now I sit here, with my bundles of internalized biphobia, being terrified of the fact that if I fall in love with a man I’ll be “less queer/not queer enough” and if I fall in love with literally anyone not a cis man I’ll be disappointing my entire bloodline. Which is kinda like whatever but I can’t not rely on my family rn. And also it would crush me if they didn’t accept me argh

So that aside. I don’t like. People.

Politely, I don’t really enjoy any of the online communities for literally anything bc there will always be that one person or that small group that is/are just. Assholes. Huge fucking assholes. A terf ig (idk why I don’t really like using that word. It’s seems really overused to me nowadays)

This includes. Literally any community. High key hate the internet bc I need in person communities and I don’t fucking have them

And I need

Physical beings in front of me, not physical beings through dots of electricity portrayed on glass coming from physical people very far away

None of you know me

At least people irl can see me

The queer community is biphobic. Bisexuals (especially on tiktok) are biphobic. Any radfem wlw is biphobic. Fucking ME IM BIPOBIC TOWARDS MYSELF

Just

Why are we still in a world where (lolzies I really don’t mean to makes this about me but it’s late and I’m trying to cope somehow) I am terrified of loving, not bc I’m terrified of love, but bc I’m terrified of being excluded from the communities I want to feel like I belong in.

Also I fuckjng hate labels sometimes

I have the weird idealized future where I’ll go to college and be around “likeminded” people who are just. Accepting.

Like I read this fanfic once. Where one of the characters was just like. “Yea fuck it dude. No matter how you explain your identity or attraction I’m never going to truly understand it but I love you bc you’re human and my friend and I want to learn how to support you in a way that makes you comfortable”

Is it bad that I feel like I don’t have a person like that in my life? Bc yea I could be that person for me. But I just spent this entire post trying to explain to y’all how my internalized biphobia is really painful and this wasn’t explained but it stems from insecurities and comparison issues and my overwhelming inferiority complex which constantly puts me in the losers bracket.

But hehe ig happy pride you wonderful losers. Y’all are human and pls pls pls for the love of god and all that is holy love each other

#biphobia #internalized homophobia #internalized heterophobia #am i allowed to say that #can I say that heterophobia can be a thing and is very possibly becoming a thing? #not in like an exclusionary way #like heterosexual people are oppressed in any way shape or form #they never truly are #but when you’re coming to terms with yourself and the space you found yourself comfortable in “hates the relationships you want to be in???? #lolzies #don’t really know where I was going with that #pls don’t get offended #i genuinely mean no harm #if you are offended #pls don’t attack me #i already feel like shit #bisexual #bi problems #pls think about these things #pls just love people for being human #the world really sucks rn #forever and always ig #but make it better for someone #even if you literally hate their guts #have some compassion #i’m almost done #I’m also really sorry #bc I am super privileged #i know that #and that probably doesn’t help my case

[im-a-goddamn-cat]

thinking more about what i was talking about last night and like. i actually want to cry thinking about the way i think about romantic relationships/sex. (fun fact: i am crying rn) i literally can't tell if i actually do want these things or if i'm letting society/how others may perceive me dictate my feelings. but on the other hand, i can't tell if the reason i think i might not actually want these things is bc of my social anxiety yet again ruining a potential aspect of my life.

like... i feel like such a loser and a fake bisexual. ik no one has to have relationships/sex if they don't want to, but i feel like the fact that i do experience romantic/sexual attraction would make ppl think i'm weird if i didn't want a relationship/sex. like, if i told someone that, i feel like they would be like "oh, so you're ace/aro?" and like, no, i'm not, not at all. i'm just a weirdo who has such bad social anxiety that i don't think i'll ever be able to experience these things. and again, i can't tell if my social anxiety is the reason for me thinking i don't want these things or not??? i think it might be.

i'm not joking when i say that i seriously think my brain is broken and that i wasn't made for social interactions. like, back when i used to be invited to things, i always found myself thinking "when can i go home?" even tho i was enjoying it. and like, every time i think about dating and stuff like that, i just... i feel drained just thinking about it. it's like i want these things (friends irl, a relationship, etc.), but i don't want to deal with the actual, social aspect of it which is... basically all these things are. i think i'm just doomed to be lonely for the rest of my life. hopefully i keep the online friends i've made tho.

also no one will ever love/be attracted to me anyways. no one ever has and i don't think they ever will. not just bc of my social awkwardness, but also bc i'm ugly af. tbh maybe that's another reason i think i don't want these things, maybe it's a defense mechinism to cope with the fact that no one will ever want me. like, instead of blaming it on my ugliness and social awkwardness, i can just claim it's actually bc i don't want these things.

haha idk, bye

#meowing #negative #not sfw

[anything-advice-blog]

[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend

i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)

ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.

then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.

anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.

its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.

sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!

so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.

neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!

anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad

like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!

anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.

Hey there!

There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.

You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.

At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.

I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.

As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.

This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.

You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.

I hope this helps!

♥ - Fawn

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