really love how throughout a lot of smith and jones martha is really skeptical and apprehensive towards ten (+ one of my favorite exchanges between them - "what, people call you 'the doctor'?" "yeah?" "well, i'm not. far as i'm concerned, you've got to earn that title."), not taking everything he says at face value, even doubting the fact he's an alien until over halfway through the episode.. And like. i really truly think the thing that wins her over isn't him kissing her or any of the other insane mixed messages he manages to send, it's this scene here, where he /earns that title/ in her eyes:
(+ david's bit in the commentary, where he says: "[the doctor] has actually sacrificed himself, and - i would say, that that final act of selflessness is what finally, eventually, welds martha to him. [...] and she now returns it. she returns that act of selflessness.")
this is what their relationship is built on. it isn't about martha being the second-best replacement to rose or a rebound or whatever. bc it isn't really about rose. it's about doctor-in-training martha meeting someone (quite literally, "the doctor") whose ideals she aspires to, and doing her best to be the same person to him as he is to everyone else. it's about ten in return admiring her intelligence and inquisitiveness and how she cares for human life, recovering his compassion, letting himself lean on her for support - and then remembering at the most inopportune moments that he's supposed to not need anyone and be on his own forever. And around in their little nightmare loop they go where they save each other over and over until one of them breaks
i've seen ppl look at martha and go "why she does she admire/why is she so in love with ten if he acts like that to her?" or something along those lines and like. it's not just the fact she's in love with him (in fact i'd argue she actively tries to push it aside post-gridlock). it's the fact that she knows he's the kind of person to put everyone else's lives/well-being over his own. she trusts him to save her when she's in trouble even though it's been like two days at most that they've known one another bc she recognizes that same "deep all-encompassing drive to help others" in him. and she also recognizes, much much earlier than him, that he needs someone to save him, especially when he's unwilling to save himself. and yeah for a bit she thinks he returns her feelings and is just playing hard-to-get, but she realizes pretty early on that this probably isn't the case, and i think that realization fully solidifies here:
(this is when she's listening to ten talk abt gallifrey). And idk it might just be me but i think this expression isn't just her empathizing with his loss. it's also guilt, for wanting something from him that he's clearly unable to give when he's wracked with so much grief. (and you see it in the next episode, where tallulah asks if they're together and martha says for certain that they're not, and that he doesn't know about her feelings for him. she keeps everything to herself bc she now knows that when he shut her flirting down at the end of 3x01 it was the genuine reaction of someone who a) isn't interested and b) is scared of getting close with someone else again)
freema described their dynamic as "she's keener than him" and i think about this all the time. martha doesn't really take what ten throws at her. what she does instead is constantly poke holes in his already-failing front of "i will show someone the wonders of the universe so i can ignore what is wrong with me". what she does is stand up and fight him when he tries to go off on his own. what she does is put aside her well-being in favor of helping someone - just like what she saw him do for the people in the hospital when they first met. tldr, that's the doctor and his doctor and rip martha you would've loved who's gonna save u now by rina sawayama
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Sanji has arachnophobia but like. The type of arachnophobia that makes you have panic attacks even if you only see a little, tiny spider around you. And I just know Usopp would love to have a pet spider. They go to an island and Usopp finds a hurt spider and takes care of it because of course he would, and decides to keep it because of course he would.
So, uh, Sanji doesn't like his boyfriend's pet. It's not like he's going to tell him, because what would he say to him? Sanji hasn't told him his fear of spiders is that bad (he definitely knows, though). And he doesn't want to get in between Usopp's excitement of keeping her. So the spider stays and at least Usopp is aware that Sanji doesn't like her, so he doesn't let her go close to him (she's very polite so it's okay).
But Usopp loves having her around. On his shoulder, his head, his hands-- The guy brings her with him everywhere. And the little thing is smart and somehow seems to understand what Usopp says. They're happy. It's cute. Luffy absolutely loves her. Robin is literally thrilled to study her behavior. And Sanji can't even look at her because he will start hyperventilating the second he notices her.
He'd try to get over his fear of her because Usopp wants them to get along but he won't force it on Sanji. Sanji just knows he wants them to be friends. The spider lives in Usopp's terrarium, which he keeps in his workshop, and so Sanji goes there without telling his boyfriend.
And he tries. He really, really tries. He's shaking when he sees her there, even if she's inside the terrarium. He's barely able to breathe when he tries to get her out of there. Again and again repeating the words Usopp constantly tells him "She's more afraid of you than you are of her" (which is bullshit, in Sanji's opinion) and "She only wants to be your friend! She likes you because I like you" (something extremely romantic but Sanji's brain doesn't process it that way).
He's about to call it a day and try to calm himself down before he actually stops breathing for good. But. You know. The terrarium is on the edge of the table that's already full of Usopp's stuff and the tablecloth is long and- And the terrarium falls and breaks and the spider ends on Sanji's foot-
He doesn't want to do it and it happens in instinct and regrets it immediately, but he kicks the spider. He doesn't know where she lands and he doesn't react immediately to it because he's too focused on trying to learn how to breathe again. He sits on the floor around broken glass and dirt and doesn't realize what he's done until he starts looking for her again. It's not even because of Usopp anymore. She's just a spider. She hasn't done anything but... Existing. She shouldn't be blamed for that. Even if Sanji is afraid of her.
Sanji looks around for her without getting up and finds her alive and well and crawling around avoiding the glass, but also trying to stay away from Sanji as much as possible. That breaks his heart because he might not know what she thinks the way Usopp does, but he knows when someone is scared.
At least she's okay. She's alright. That's a relief.
"I'm sorry, I-" He feels a bit stupid talking to her like this, but he knows she gets it. He hopes she does. "It's not you. You're- He loves you, okay? You're a good girl. I just- I just can't."
He feels his chest tightening when she approaches him ever so slowly, but he knows she won't do anything. His heart doesn't share the same sentiment, but he quiets it down. She looks almost apologetically as if she was the one reassuring Sanji and not the other way around. "It must be tiring." He holds his legs close to his chest to make space for her to walk next to his feet. He feels like he's about to pass out, but she's respectful. And nice. And kind of cute, even. And she's Usopp's. Sanji thinks she tilts her little head confusedly. Thinks, because he isn't quite sure if they do that. "It sucks, right? People being afraid of you all the time. I- I can't say I'm not scared but- But you haven't done anything wrong, little one."
She stays there and doesn't move much for a few seconds, until she ends up crawling up and resting on top of Sanji's shoe. The same way she does when she spends her time on Usopp's shoulder. Sanji isn't that afraid anymore. He's overwhelmed and exhausted and really, really anxious, but he trusts her. Somehow.
Sanji looks around the room, his heart clenching with blame. "I'm sorry- For your home. I'll build you a new one. Well. Not- Not me. I don't know how to. Usopp will. Shit, he'll hate me after this..." But before he can start dwelling on it, the spider moves a little on his leg. And It isn't as bad as he thought. If she's going to murder him in his sleep it's a bit deserved after all. But she won't. He hopes she won't. "You know, you're kind of cute." She tries to crawl up to his knee, but it makes him jump a little. "Don't- Not really ready for, like, upper body touching. Please?" And somehow, she listens and goes back to her position. "Damn, you can understand what I say, can you? Smart girl."
And she doesn't say anything, but Sanji takes it as a yes. Both because he likes talking to her and also because he doesn't want to feel so damn stupid.
A few hours later, Usopp goes back to his workshop and finds Sanji asleep on the floor, lucky he didn't touch any shards of glass, and the spider rests on his foot happily. Or at least it looks like that for Usopp.
He'll ask what happened later, for now, it's time to clean the mess without waking up his boyfriend. He's been brave enough for a day.
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thinking soft childe thoughts again. this man truly does live rent free in my brain
falling in love with him, i think, would feel a lot like learning to walk with the knowledge that the space beside you is no longer empty.
there aren't any grand signs when you first meet: there is no moment of déjà vu, no sudden flurry of butterflies in your gut when you lock eyes for the first time, no hushed internal whispers of "have we met before?". there is no higher power guiding him when he approaches you and introduces himself, bright eyes and boyish grin on full display. there is no higher power guiding you when you test the feel of his name on your tongue and introduce yourself right back, cautious but curious of who and what he is. you're just two people who happened to be in the same space, at the same time, and that's how your story starts.
the days pass by like a warm reel of laughter with childe at your side. he's a wonderful friend; funny, charming, with a tendency to spoil you and insist even when you refuse because "this is what friends do! besides, i'm gonna eat your food anyway, so at least let me pay—". he's thoughtful and courteous, but he keeps your life exciting with all the mischief and stark joy he brings along with him. you know what he is, and though you don't completely know what his job entails, neither of you bring it up in the times you spend together. in the comfort of your company, he is not childe the harbinger or tartaglia, the waker of the deep. when he walks and fills the space beside you, he's just childe, your friend who raids your cupboards when he's feeling snacky and slips mora into your wallet when you're not looking. who wakes you up in the morning by knocking on the window right by your bed (instead of knocking on your door, you know, like a normal person). who goes on walks with you around the harbor to admire the sights and maybe work on his liyueren accent and vocabulary by conversing with you about anything and everything under the sun. who holds your hand like it's second nature, and matches the length of his strides to your own like he doesn't want either of you to ever be too far apart.
when your days pass like this, gradually getting to know the familiarity of his touch and presence in your life, falling in love isn't as daunting as it should be. the realization comes slowly to you though. it's when you find yourself tilting your head to whisper to the waiting ear beside you, when you stand and wait in an ever-moving crowd once you recognize the sound of his approach. it's when you set out two bowls instead of one at night and attach an assistive band to one pair of chopsticks because even after all this time, he still doesn't know how to use them.
falling in love with childe feels a lot like a gradual shift of colors in the ginkgo leaves of your homeland as the seasons pass by. he walks with you through the harbor often now, like a routine he can't give up. and while he admires the sights of liyue in the beauty of fall, you admire him.
it's in the glint of those golden leaves framing his fiery hair and blue eyes that you realize: "i've loved him for a while now, haven't i?"
i think that's how it all starts, honestly. you fall first, before you even realize, and your life suddenly becomes all the more colorful with the feelings you couldn't recognize before suddenly intermingling with the casual comfort he brings with him. it could open the door to something angsty, where you think your feelings are unreturned and try to cope, or maybe something soft and silly, where everyone can see just how much you like childe while he remains oblivious to your affections, but still sweet all the same.
in the end though, it wouldn't really matter if you really were the one who fell first. because childe, who saw you in that moment and took the first step to something bigger than he could've ever expected, would definitely be the one who fell harder.
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