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singtheskyandfightlikehell · 3 years

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BatFamily Headcanons: Stuffed Animals

In an attempt to productively combat my recent writer’s block, I’m practicing writing the batfam characters through short character study fics (which I will post once I make enough) and comparative headcanons. I might end up making short fics out of these, as well, since some of them got a bit long anyways

Today I decided to explore how many stuffed animals each member of the batfam (plus an adjacent character or two) has, what they think of them, how they got them, etc. I’ve got eleven characters on this list (and I’m still missing some, sorry)

Bruce:

Bruce put aside stuffed animals when he was eleven, deciding it was time to become serious. However, since acquiring children, he has been gifted a number of stuffed animals, ranging from a small and realistic brown bat to a child-sized bear wearing his cape and cowl. None of the children know this, but he keeps them all in a prominent position in his walk-in closet. Sometimes, when he has a particularly nasty fight with one of his kids, or he discovers something (like an injury) that they were hiding from him, he’ll tell the stuffed animals all the things he struggles to tell his children in the hopes that, one day, he’ll figure out how to express himself when it actually counts.

Alfred:

Alfred has no stuffed animals of his own, but he keeps the old, worn teddy bear that was once Thomas’ and later Bruce’s, alongside the somewhat lopsided bunny that Martha attempted to sew for Bruce when he was two. They sit side by side in a spotless glass cabinet filled with other memories that various members of the family have at one point or another attempted to cast aside.

Dick:

Dick has a pair of stuffed elephants, Eleonore and Zitka, and a teddy bear of his own, all from the circus. Most of the time they sit on the shelf under one of his nightstands, but when he has a particularly bad day, he’ll hold them all tightly until he falls asleep. If he’s crying, he finds it slows the tears to press kisses to the tops of their heads, or just smoosh his whole face into them. Sometimes, if he’s having a particularly good day – especially if no one else is sharing in his good mood – he’ll tell them about whatever made him happy. The rarest occasions are a bittersweet combination of both, the moments when he dwells on his happiest memories of his parents. When this happens, he is more likely to address them than his family, talking to them like old friends who were “there” for the things he’s recalling. It reminds him of the parties he would host as a small child, attended by his stuffed animals and his parents and sometimes other people from the giant family that was Haly’s, and for just that moment he’ll feel suspended somewhere between grief and content.

Barbara:

Barbara had lots of stuffed animals growing up, but as she got older, she gave most of them away. The only one she kept was a little otter that her father gave her for her first birthday. She doesn’t remember this, of course, but they have an old home video of that day which she’s seen a few times, and she know it’s one of her dad’s favorites to watch when he’s feeling nostalgic. She does remember the way she used to drag the otter with her everywhere she went when she was about four, and it’s so worn now that all of its original fluffiness has disappeared. She sets it up near her main computer and uses it in place of a rubber duck.

Jim:

When Babs decided she was too old for her stuffed animals, Jim was instructed to give them away at one of the Gotham children’s toy drives he helps run as commissioner. Only about half of them ever make it out of the house, because he keeps looking at them and remembering little moments that involve each of them. He has two boxes full of them that he swears he’s going to bring to the next drive, but he’s been swearing that for over ten years now.

Jason:

When Jason first arrived at the manor, he swore up and down that stuffed animals were dumb kids toys that he was way too old for. The first time Dick showed up at the manor after Jason was there, he brought a plush dog he’d picked up on the way there, unsure what to get his surprise new brother but not putting an excess of thought into it either. After all, he wasn’t about to ask Bruce what Jason might like. Jason made a show of scorn and tossing the toy in the trash, but when Dick was gone he dug it back out. When he was sleeping, he clutched the dog protectively against his chest like it might be snatched away at any time. When he wasn’t sleeping, he kept it hidden in a box wedged under a floorboard beneath the bed, alongside his other contraband. It was there when he died and it’s still there now. Every time he’s in the manor, he thinks about sneaking into his old room to retrieve it, alongside some of his other old belongings, but he never does. His reasoning alternates between not caring, being too old for toys, not wanting to set foot in his old room, and not wanting to get caught caring after all these years.

He does however have an obnoxiously long bright red snake that Roy won at some sort of archery carnival game while they were supposed to be tracking a suspect. He’d griped at Roy for wasting time with frivolous games, a complaint that was very on brand for their relationship. He’s pretty sure Roy saw through him, though, and understood the real reason he was so antsy to leave the carnival, given his soft apology later that night. He also recently acquired a floppy stingray, a gift from Lian for his latest birthday. She told him that she’d gotten to pet a stingray at the aquarium where she’d bought it, and it reminded her of him. Specifically, she’d said he was, “Kinda dangerous and maybe a little scary, but actually really soft to anyone who’s nice enough”. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that description, but the gift had a place of pride, resting atop an old model of his helmet that Roy had “defaced” with a sweet message that always made Jason smile.

Cass:

Cass grew up without stuffed animals, and was honestly a little confused at first about why she might want one. The first one she ever got was a tiny key-chain cat that was given to her by a little girl she saved. She was unsure what to make of the object itself, but she treasured it as a symbol, proof that she was doing good in the world. It was Steph who convinced her to look for more, to look for stuffed animals in her “style”. Eventually, she got two of the most different ones she could find: an iridescent octopus packed tightly with beans and made of a coarse fabric, and a large fluffy goose that squished like a cloud and was made of the softest fabric imaginable. She likes tossing the octopus lightly in the air to feel the weight of it, and faceplanting into the giant goose. She also has a big bear holding a plush heart that Steph got her for their first Valentine’s.

Tim:

Tim’s relationship with stuffed animals is a bit more complicated. He had five growing up: a dog, a bear, a lion, a rabbit, and a lamb. They had names, stories, personalities, and they were his friends (his only friends, at the time). When he was seven, he woke up one day to find them gone. His mother scolded him for his tears, explaining that he was too old for baby toys, and that his attachment to them would only hinder his path forward. For years, he felt ashamed whenever he thought of his grief towards them, because he knew they were just toys, he knew he was being a baby about it, and yet…

It wasn’t until he was fifteen years old and stumbled across an article about autistic people and the projection of feelings onto objects that he understood why he had been willing to sneak out at night to search through pawn store after pawn store and – once – the landfill in the hopes of seeing his beloved toys again. As a teen in the Wayne household, he knew he could get as many stuffed animals as he liked, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so after what had happened before. He got one giant, floppy moose, barely half a foot shorter than himself, that he clings to like an octopus when he manages to lay down, whether he succeeds in falling asleep or not. Additionally, on a night after Jason made amends with the family, Tim returned to his room to find a fifteen inch plush latte with a cute little face on the mug portion and a sticky note on top that simply read: Sorry for trying to kill you a bunch. My bad :) He keeps it on top of his dresser, and while he doesn’t really hug it, he did discover it was the perfect object for chucking at his siblings’ heads whenever the situation calls for it.

Steph:

Steph loves stuffed animals. While she never got any of the fancy brand name ones, or the luxuriously soft ones, or the hyper-realistic ones, her mom had a tradition of buying her one for every birthday, Christmas, and Easter. She soon had quite a collection, and – like Tim – she gave them all names and personalities. She played out complex scenarios with them and the few dolls she had, designing an intricate world of wild concepts and plots. She also used her stuffed animals to conquer her fears, like thunderstorms and darkness, by pretending they were all more scared than she was, so she had to be brave for all of them. Steph still has her whole collection, as well as quite a few “nicer” (though equally loved) ones that she has acquired from various Waynes. At this point, pretty much everyone in the Wayne family has given her a stuffed animal at some time or other. For a couple of years now, she has taken to posing with her massive collection and making fake family Christmas cards to send out to everyone she knows, where she will update them on the well-being of any plushie they’ve given her.

Duke:

Duke also has a great love of stuffed animals, although he doesn’t match Steph for quantity. He only had a few beloved animals growing up, all of which he’s held onto (a panda, a penguin, a turtle, a frog, a leopard, and a pikachu). Since being fostered by Bruce, Duke has taken to searching out and buying only the rarest stuffed animals he can find: an anteater, a platypus, a manatee, a sloth, and an axolotl have made the cut so far. Bruce knows about this and has taken to keeping an eye out for anything interesting whenever he’s out. After accidentally mentioning it at a gala one time, it has since become his favorite topic, as getting drawn into an intense discussion with Bruce Wayne about where to acquire strange plushies for his son elicits one of two reactions from his guests: delighted awws or hilariously awkward attempts to steer the conversation back to high society definitions of business and pleasure. At Duke’s request, a large shelf was built around the top of his room, so that all of his stuffed animals can sit comfortably and be clearly seen.

Damian:

Damian was much like Jason when he arrived at the manor in more ways than one, but his determination to prove himself above stuffed animals was certainly on that list. He sneered at his siblings’ attempts to treat him like the child he swore he wasn’t. And honestly, even after he began to lower his walls just a little, he still wasn’t particularly fond of stuffed animals. Sure, he privately thought they were cute, and sure he might (might) find himself holding one at night if it happened to have been left in his bed by an annoying sibling, but in general he preferred live animals to fake ones. Real animals had personalities and feelings, fake ones did not, it was as simple as that, no matter what Stephanie claimed. But as time went on, Damian found himself acquiring a small army of stuffed animals against his will. Some of his siblings (Jason, Tim, sometimes Duke) gave them to him because they found it funny to watch him growl about how he was not an infant in need of deceitful comforts. Some of his siblings (Dick, Cass, sometimes Duke… sometimes his father as well) would give them to him because they knew he liked animals so they assumed he’d like imitations of animals as well. Steph would just give them to everybody, every now and then. But regardless of motive, Damian soon found his room overflowing with stuffed animals that were moderately cute but ultimately pointless.

It wasn’t until a patrol a few years after he’d taken on the mantle of Robin that he discovered a solution. Tim had hidden a tiny stuffed bear in the medical supply compartment of his utility belt, a felt bandage wrapped around its little head. He hadn’t been wounded, but the young girl he’d rescued had been bleeding from a wound that looked worryingly dirty. The bear had fallen out of the pouch, right into her lap, and she’d stared at it with wide eyes, surprise halting the flow of her tears. She’d held onto it the whole time he disinfected her arm and bandaged it, and afterwards he had insisted she keep it. For the first time that night, she’d smiled. After that, Damian began taking a few of his many stuffed animals out on patrol with him, ready to hand out to any and all injured, lost, or otherwise traumatized children once he’d rescued them from their troubles. Eventually he began running out of toys he’d been gifted, even though he kept getting new ones, so at some point he begins to regularly sneak out for the sole purpose of acquiring stuffed animals to hand out. He never tells his siblings, but he suspects they’ve found out anyway, when the presents they give him drastically decrease in size.

#batfamily #dick grayson #jason todd #tim drake #damian wayne #duke thomas #cassandra cain #stephanie brown #barbara gordon #jim gordon #bruce wayne #alfred pennyworth #jayroy #stephcass #my headcanons #i stole elements of the hc for dick tim steph and duke from my own personality lmao #also the only portion of this that draws on canon (to my knowledge) is the stuff about dick #i've seen stuff about him having a stuffed elephant with both of those names so i decided to just give him two #can't go wrong with extra elephants #but yeah i hope there's nothing that like blatantly contradicts any of this stuff #i'm trying to speed read a bunch of comics rn but i keep reading like 50s-80s era primarily #so there's a number of characters i haven't really gotten to yet #also i've discovered i find green arrow comics more entertaining so lowkey i keep reading those instead oops #i have a very convoluted list of what i need to read to hit the major plot points of batfam and arrowfam #but i also lowkey feel like major plot point comics are gonna tell me less about characterization #filler episodes are where its at #but there's no reading order lists that give me 'best filler issues' sorted by character

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moviediary · 4 years

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Grease 2

So, this movie kind of slaps in the worst way ever. You have to watch it with the knowledge that it’s terrible, it makes it a lot better. The songs are pretty underrated, a lot of them are low key bops and I would probably listen to them without watching the movie. It’s a product of its time so of course it’s aggressively heteronormative even though the main guys are very queer coded just like most 80s movies. The main girl is a fine singer, but her character is kind of boring and really just an ass most of the time. She also has no business being in a movie about the 50s (or maybe the 60s it’s not very clear) she is so obviously a quintessential 80s chick from her hair to her leather pants, she’s basically Sandy’s makeover as a person. In my opinion the main love interest could have done a lot better. He spends the whole movie doing the reverse of the first movie, going from geek to biker??? Yeah, they all ride motorcycles now, but they’re still called T-Birds which really doesn’t make sense but nothing in this movie really does. Oh! And Frenchy is in it, she came back to high school to complete her chemistry credits?? The whole movie is a mess but honestly, I enjoy watching it. I’ll watch it again, I already have.

Basically it’s the first movie but gender swapped and with a talent show and biker gangs.

The T-Birds really make this movie, they’re the most interesting characters in it. Their leader Johnny is funny and likeable despite being a dick, he has very obvious vulnerability and growth during the film which makes the audience not hate him. His goons are hilarious, they have some of the best lines in the movie and I actually laughed out loud at some of the shit they said. I could do without the gratuitous sexualization of high schoolers but what can you do. I don’t really understand why they have beef with this 20-person biker gang of full-grown adults that apparently have nothing better to do than antagonize 4 teenagers but hey I get it they need a common enemy. I also get that they were going for anger and jealousy when Johnny looked at Michael every time he was being his sexy mysterious biker persona but maybe they should have told him that because that definitely isn’t what’s coming across in his face. He has the biggest man crush I have ever seen I swear.

Michael, who is apparently Sandy’s cousin even though he’s British and she was Australian, really drives the story; everything happens because he wants to date Stephanie even though the only real conversations, they’ve had are just him being nice and her being a dick the whole time but I guess she’s pretty? So he becomes a biker to be what she wants because she wouldn’t date a hot smart guy with a British accent, no way he’s a loser. I guess. So instead he spends the whole movie trying to live up to her standards which is more than a little infuriating but lets be honest the plot isn’t really why you watch this movie. It really only starts happening in the 3rd act anyway, most of it is taken up by talent show hijinks and motorcycle themed music numbers. And a surprising amount of bowling. I wasn’t expecting the coolest kids in school to have their own bowling league but that bold choice did lead to a very confusing but fun musical number in which we see that Johnny sings high sometimes because he’s basically Danny in even tighter pants (somehow) and Paulette (a pink lady played by Judy Garland’s daughter) has an amazing voice that doesn’t get used enough in the songs.

There’s a lot of odd running gags in the movie that really don’t need to be there. Rhonda’s obsession with her “huge nose” even though it’s really not that big. The random teacher that had a nervous breakdown and keeps almost dying. The teacher whose whole gimmick is that she’s hot and maybe sleeping with her students? But definitely sleeping with the substitute teacher. The fact that Johnny’s right-hand man’s name is Goose? A reference to a movie that hadn’t even come out when this movie take place? I think anyway, like I said it’s really hard to pinpoint when this movie is supposed to take place. Also the T-Birds are on the football team I think? Or they’re running drills during PE which also doesn’t make sense with their characters. I don’t know man the whole movie is so strange they say stuff and then never bring it up again.

The ending is where I think the movie really lets you down. After a very weird talent show scene Where Steph has a very boring song and is all sad because she thinks Michael is dead, they have a party. And the party is a Luau and it’s quite possible one of the whitest things I’ve ever seen its so embarrassing. They have a long song about how they’re having a Luau and then they have a bunch of shirtless guys carry Steph and Johnny into a pool on a big throne/raft thing? And then the biker gang bursts in because they have nothing better to do and everyone’s screaming and throwing things it’s very chaotic. The continuity errors in this scene are absolutely outrageous. Then Michael shows up out of nowhere and Johnny literally quivers when he sees him (yeah he’s straight) and he singlehandedly kicks out all those hardened criminals. Then there’s a very long and awkward moment where they initiate Michael into the T-Birds even though school is basically over at this point and then Steph and Michael make out. One of my most hated scene tropes in movies, the very intimate confession and make out in the middle of a crowd. And then finally we have the last song of the movie in which Steph and Michael start off with a duet and their voices sound terrible together (it’s a sign and I refuse to believe otherwise) and then everyone else joins in and they try way too hard to tie up all the character’s storylines even though as the audience you weren’t really all that invested in greaser number three and pink lady number three’s sex life and most of these things didn’t really need to be sung out loud they were pretty minor parts of the movie. And oh, okay, everyone now ends up in a relationship even Paulette’s younger sister who I thought was in like, middle school but now I guess she’s dating the dumb guy from the T-Birds but they’re all seniors?? Okay…yeah, the ending fucking sucks it’s the worst part. The song is long and boring, and the choreography is bad but then they recap a bunch of the better songs during the credits and it’s all fine again!

Overall, the movie isn’t nearly as bad as I’ve heard other people say, I’ve seen much worse. And the thing is, the bad parts are kinda what makes it great in the first place. It’s kind of like when they made mean girls 2. It’s not really a sequel because non of the actually important characters are in it (except for Frenchy but she’s only there for like 10 minutes tops). It’s a cash grab but not the worst one. The songs are fun, and the characters are pretty fucking funny if you ignore how weird it is that they’re all like 30. I’d say watch it if it’s free to stream, don’t rent it. I probably get more out of it than a normal sane person because I read into character’s and their emotional connections way too much I basically am rewriting it in my head. I doubt anyone would be interested but I definitely broke down all the characters and their motivations and tried to figure out their actions, also known as me trying to create queer characters off of very unstable reasoning. Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. Anyway, the people in this movie are pretty hot and most of the songs kinda slap so even if the plot is questionable other things make up for it.

As of now this movie is available for streaming on Amazon prime.

Final Verdict:

On my scale 7/10

Actual good movie scale 4/10

#grease #grease 2 #movie review

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televisor-reviews · 4 years

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Top 10 WORST Movies Of 2018!

As everyone is talking about their favorite and least favorite films of last year, I’d much rather take a look at what came out two years ago! This is what I do every New Year, get used to it. And keep in mind that I haven’t seen every film from 2018, so as bad as I’m sure Sherlock Gnomes and Pacific Rim: Uprising are, I haven’t gotten around to them. If you’d like a list of every film I have seen, I have them listed on my Letterboxd: https://drive.google.com/uc?id=1HnDnQ4ibO82ryM9lOCGgw1FZhVLdC4SZ

#10. Fifty Shades Freed On my 2015 list, I didn’t even bother putting Fifty Shades Of Grey on it because I thought it was absolutely hilarious! On my 2017 list, I placed Fifty Shades Darker at the very top for its lack of even the basics of what makes a decent flick, notably there being no real plot. So I guess I’m meeting this franchise in the middle by putting Fifty Shades Freed at the tenth spot for just how batshit this movie is. Shit kinda just happens randomly with little to no reason while also not being funny in the slightest. In fact, large segments of the film is kinda boring, particularly the sex scenes in which there are so many that by the 20th time, you’d just get used to it like a jump scare in Winchester. Really, the biggest reason this is only at #10 is because Fifty Shades Freed has Freed us all from this series, assuming that a film adaptation of Grey isn’t made. And that’s the greatest compliment I’ve ever given to one of these movies. #9. A Wrinkle In Time I once heard someone justify Disney’s live action remakes by saying they help fund their more unique film escapades like Nutcracker And The Four Realms (which barely didn’t make the list). The problem with that is that I don’t want those ether! And considering how Solo and The Rise Of Skywalker turned out, maybe Disney’s live action department should just stick with Marvel movies. Honestly, I don’t completely remember why I left the theater after seeing A Wrinkle In Time so angry, like legitimately pissed off. I remember the girl who looks like one of the Mean Girls being treated like a member of the Losers Club, how terrible the child acting was, how even worse the adult acting was, how annoying everybody who wasn’t Chris Pine was, and how that little kid was named Charles Wallace because the characters said it at least a million times! Considering how angry I am just writing about it, I’m guessing it was a combination of all of those elements being wrapped up with a pretentious bow. Honestly, A Wrinkle In Time was a humongous waste of my time. #8. Show Dogs It’s a bad sign when the movie starring Bojack Horseman yelling at Ludacris dog is only at #8 on my list. The big reason for that is because this is so terrible that I had to break down laughing at times. Not because Show Dogs is genuinely or ironically funny, it’s just so batshit insane that I had to laugh. Almost like a defense reflex: like if I wasn’t laughing, I’d end up jumping off the roof. The plot is crazy, the acting is crazy, the whole fucking idea is crazy! I’d like you to stop and imagine Will Arnett with the straightest face possible yelling at a dog voiced by Ludacris that nobody can actually hear in the middle of a very serious police station about the dog fucking up an undercover job and somehow not laughing your ass off. That is what it was like watching Show Dogs. You’re welcome. #7. Slender Man I think people really downgrade how good horror has been lately. I know that in a world of Insidious: The Last Key and Truth Or Dare, it’s easy to be pessimistic. And I think people also dismiss the greatness the internet has had on modern pop culture. Considering how bad things like Daphne And Velma and Mowgli: Legend Of The Jungle are, I kinda get it. In reality, these tend to be the outliers among a lot of greatness, but after seeing Slender Man, I’m starting to think similarly. I was one of the only people who was actually excited about this movie because I’m young enough to remember a time when Slender Man: The Eight Pages was the scariest thing in the world and after seeing how well Hollywood treated the character in Beware The Slender Man, I was really hopeful. Little did I know that Madhouse Entertainment had one of the least interesting and least scary horror movies I’ve ever seen with boring characters, a monster that’s barely in the movie, and a script that’s closer to Rings than it is to its source material. I really hope this’ll go the way of Ouija and Annabelle and end up having a really good followup or else Slender Man will be a huge blot on the legitimacy of the internet. #6. Snake Outta Compton I’m gonna be straight with y’all, I have been doing a pretty bad job at keeping up with horror B-movies lately. I mean, I did watch The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time and Leprechaun Returns but those were mostly just mediocre, even within the context of the rest of their franchises. So when I saw the title Snake Outta Compton, I knew I had to watch it expecting something really stupid and funny as all hell. Instead I got a boring and uninteresting barely even an attempt at cinema. I really hated this film, it’s just such a boringly dull film where little to nothing ever happens and I hated every dumb second of it. The terrible rapping, the awful effects, the horrendous acting, everything in snake Outta Compton sucks and I hate it. #5. Norm Of The North: Keys To The Kingdom Remember that god awful polar bear movie starring Rob Schneider from a few years ago… yeah, they made four of those. Normal people would say the first Norm Of The North was the absolute bottom of the barrel, I say “No!… It’s Norm Of The North: Keys To The Kingdom,” and even more suicidal people would probably say it’s Norm Of The North: King Sized Adventure. If you thought the animation in the original was bad, you’ve seen nothing! This is so bad that I’m not even sure it should be considered animation! This is so bad that it makes Duck Duck Goose look like The Grinch! This is so bad that they couldn’t even get Rob Schneider back! The plot, it’s like this is one of those straight to DVD Disney sequels that were made up of episodes of conceled TV shows except why would anyone try to make Norm Of the FUCKING North into a TV show! But apparently it made money considering how (and I’ll repeat this again) there are four of these! Maybe the immense failure of Arctic Dogs will stop Entertainment Studios from making any more. #4. The Thinning: New World Order Speaking of sequels that’ll make the originals look like masterpieces, we’ve got Logan Paul’s magnum opus, coming straight outta that Japanese suicide forest. A film that tells you that a country made up of the smartest 95% of citizens are stupid enough to not catch on to the pretty obvious government plan going on in this universe. Even more so, apparently presidents to be are allowed to just make major laws that’ll arrest about 50% of the population before being sworn in as president. But even more so, I’m to believe that Logan Paul of all people is smart enough to escape these poorly conceived concentration camps. This is a key example of suspension of disbelief gone too far. I don’t believe for a second that this world actually could exist. And I want everyone reading this to remember The Thinning: New World Order after seeing what I put at number one that even liberals can make terrible movies too! #3. The 15:17 To Paris No shit, this is easily the worst movie I’ve ever seen in theaters. No joke, no sarcasm, the Clint Eastwood trainwreck that is The 15:17 To Paris is by far one of the worst movies of the decade… and it’s only at #3 on my bottom 10 of the year. Let me explain. Where the absolute bottom of the barrels of the year are total slogs that I wouldn’t be able to stand watching again, this is actually really fun to watch. Immediately after seeing it in theaters, I wanted to see it again just to make sure it wasn’t a fever dream. In every conversation I have, I recommend this movie because it has to be seen to be believed. Of all the films on this list, this is the only one I’d actually recommend to people. No other film has the balls to portray three normies with ADD talking as boringly as possible taking selfies in Venice for 30 minutes for no goddamn reason. In no other movie will you see a bunch of comedians try and do serious roles that they had no right being casted in. When I went back to school and brought this up with my film nerd friends, every one of them had a different story of watching this. My god, please watch The 15:17 To Paris so that we can convince Clint Eastwood into making The 15:18 To Paris. #2. Gotti Let me tell ya, Gotti is one of the wurst felms ya’ll evar see! Who in da hell convinced John Travolta that he culd do serious roles! But in all seriousness, this movie sucks. I’m not super familiar with the story of John Gotti, and by that I mean I’ve never even heard the name before seeing this film. And I’m pretty sure that to even get what’s going on in this, you’d have to see a 3 hour documentary on the guy beforehand or else you’d be incredibly confused the entire time because I know I was! Don’t even ask me what happens in Gotti because I have no clue. It goes all over the place with different characters doing different things at different points in time and eventually, I stopped paying attention! I do remember that there were about 20 characters named “John,” John Gotti only kills one guy though I’m pretty sure that as a mob boss he’d kill more, and I have no idea how this mafia makes money. Oh, and this convicted feline is apparently also Jesus Christ. I’ll tells yas, ya can live 100 yeers an neva see a moovy as bad as Gotti. Before we get to #1, let’s do some runners up!

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom I wanted so bad to put this on the list because as a pretty big Jurassic Park fan, I can fairly say that Fallen Kingdom is easily the worst film in the franchise. If only because of that dumb ass twist at the end with that kid I kinda forgot even existed. Or just for those annoying ass comedic reliefs that are consistently useless. Or just because on a base filmmaking level, this movie sucks. Hurricane Bianca: From Russia With Hate Listen, I’m openly and proudly bisexual, so I get how important it is to get good representation out there in the film industry. And I also get why a lot of the Ru Paul: Drag Race fandom has latched onto this series. But Jesus Christ guys, drag queens can do better and they deserve better. From Russia With Hate is definitely a step in the right direction with it being way more interesting and fun than the first Hurricane Bianca… but come on guys! These aren’t good movies! Just watch more Drag Race, it’s much better. The Happytime Murders Disney, please let Muppets Now be good! The puppetry artform deserves better than this garbage! The Happytime Murders is a movie in which half the jokes is that a puppet is jizzing a lot. Honestly, my biggest beef with this film is that it doesn’t even get to the heart of what people love about the Jim Henson style of puppetry, notably the fun. Look at most of the cast, they are very humanoid compared to Kermit The Frog or Fozzy Bear. This movie is, first and foremost, not fun. Bob Lazar: Area 51 And Flying Saucers This is my nomination for worst documentary of the year. It’s just annoying to me that this guy can get away with lying to so many people without any repercussions. In fact, he gets this whole documentary that’s basically sucking his dick the entire time! I went in expecting something along the lines of Behind The Curve, a doc that takes an even stance at looking at its crazy subject matter but in a respectful way. In reality, Area 51 And Flying Saucers isn’t even in the slightest being totally on Bob Lazar’s side without questioning his all knowing wisdom for a second and is n’t respectful in the slightest for the intelligence of its viewers! Fuck this doc! A Simple Favor This is my nomination for best worst movie of the year. A Simple Favor is a crazy film with a cast and crew taking it weirdly seriously for a comedy, all with super monotone voices. None of the actual jokes are genuinely funny but lots of them are ironically hilarious. Granted I was very high while watching this, but as far as I’m concerned, that’s the best state of mind to be in while watching it! And did I mention how nobody acts during this but rather just say their lines monotonely! Loved it! God’s Not Dead: A Light In Darkness This was the year Christian propaganda got boring. I was so excited when I went to see I Can Only Imagine in theaters as my first theatrical Christian film experience only to be totally disappointed when it turned out to be pretty dull. Even more so when, later on in the year, the newest installment in the world famous God’s Not Dead franchise, the same one that first brought upon this new age of Christian based filmmaking that’s brought me so much joy before, turned out to be similarly dull. There was a split moment when a character states, “Jesus Christ was the original social justice warrior,” when I was brought back to life with its own stupidity, but it turned out to be fleeting. Not outrageous enough to be put on the list, but too outrageous to be any good. So this is how God’s Not Dead ends: not with a bang, but with a whimper. The Meg And speaking of boring, The Meg has to be the most boring shark movie ever made. A film that feels like it lasts for days and in which no real stakes feel like are in play. This has got to be the most boring and dull and uninteresting and BORING movie of the year! And considering how boring of a year it was for film, that’s saying a goddamn lot! Mary Poppins Returns I feel like I went through an arc of my own while watching this. I went from, “this isn’t bad,” to, “okay, this is a little too much like the original,” to, “why the fuck am I watching this?” Mary Poppins Returns feels like one of the Disney live action remakes because it’s basically just a shittier version of the original with absolutely no good reason to exist let alone to watch, especially compared to said original. And the climax makes absolutely no sense with the logic of the film universe; she can literally fly! And by god, does this feel like anything but Mary Poppins. Blockers Listen, I get that this film is sex positive and that’s a really great thing and all the actors are really trying their best. But it is all in vain for this film with a really unfunny script and that’s kinda important for a comedy. Sometimes Blockers can get a chuckle out of me because of how over the top it can get at times but those are just outliers in a mostly mediocre movie that got built up too much because of how much positivity is in this. Proud Mary Proud Mary is the perfect example of a film in which just because someone can do it well, doesn’t mean everyone can. Ever since Quentin Tarantino has been making movies like Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill, throw back action films have been really cool to see. Then, all of a sudden, the director of London Has Fallen had to come around and remind everyone that they can’t all be winners. Mostly dull dialogue between characters I don’t care about waiting for the action that isn’t even all that good. I was really hopeful that Proud Mary would be fun, but it’s anything but. #1. The Trump Prophecy Listen, I get that when I say that a movie literally titled The Trump Prophecy is the worst film of the year, it comes off as if I’m making a big political statement but believe me, I am not. Politically, admittedly, I am pretty liberal but I’m not really a political dude. But I do know terrible filmmaking when I see it, and believe it or not, a film about a crazy firefighter who gets a vision in his sleep from a god orb that Donald Trump must be president might not be very good. In fact, fuck this cynical, piece of shit, taking advantage of conservatives, monotonely acted, with no love or passion put into it, goddamn movie! As much as I didn’t like any of the movies I’ve mentioned on this list, it’s clear someone, anyone, was passionate about making them. But considering how clearly the director never asked any of his actors to do a second take, no love is clearly put into this. How cynical, how shameless. As someone who does genuinely love the art of filmmaking and would adore the opportunity to make a relatively big budget movie myself, the fact that something as lifeless as The Trump Prophecy gets to be put into any theaters really pisses me off. Say what you want about The 15:17 To Paris, at least it had its heart in the right place. Say what you want about Gotti, at least John Travolta was obviously passionate about the project. This has nothing and is easily the most hatable film I’ve seen in years!

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noahsfreckles · 5 years

Text

The Skateboarder’s Heart (2/2)

NOAH'S POV :)

Another day of skateboarding home from school, boarding home isn't that hard but going is killing me, boarding to school after you just wake up is horrible. Do not recommend to anyone.

But there are a few bonuses about coming home via skateboard, I ride by her house everyday. I've only seen her a couple outside but I never have the nerve to go talk to her and she's always running by my house when her and her boyfriend go for a run.

And that's one of the negative things about her; she has a boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for her and everything but I would love to be the one making her smile and laugh. I just wanna be her friend at this point.

I try to get home before four everyday just in case they go for a run. I sit by the window everyday and watch for them. And today is my lucky day, I see them, her in a pink tank top and black leggings with her headphones in her ears. I smile to myself when I see her. God she's beautiful.

I notice something on the street after they run by, I get off the couch and go outside to see what it is.

A keychain that says Jay. Maybe this is my shot to know her, even if it is her boyfriend's key chain it would be nice of me to return it.

I head back inside and head up to my room. I place the key chain on my bed and grab some fresh boxer briefs from the dresser. I grab my towel from the back of my bedroom door and head off to the bathroom.

Once I'm finished in the shower, I get dressed and listen to some music when I realize it's been more than an hour almost two. I grab the key chain and head downstairs, to grab a quick snack.

"Hi mom." I say when I see her in the kitchen.

"Hi baby, how was school?"

"It was okay. Did my homework already so I got nothing to do tonight. Maybe I'll binge something on Netflix."

"Sounds like a fun night."

"What's for dinner?"

"Burgers, potato salad, and chips, so don't eat too much junk before then."

"I won't mom," I open the fridge and grab a water and a mini bag of cool ranch Doritos from the bowl of chips. "I'm gonna go for a ride."

"Okay, dinner should be ready in about an hour."

"Okay mom." I turn and leave the kitchen. I grab my board from the closet and head outside. I sit on our porch and eat my Doritos. I grab my phone and look at the time; 6:30pm, I think that's enough time for her to be home already.

I toss my Doritos bag in the trash can at the end of my driveway, I start sucking my fingers to get the cool ranch off of them and start off towards her house.

I arrive at her house and I don't see her boyfriend's car, I hope she's home. I walk up her stairs and gently but firmly knock on the door. I wait and look down at my shoes.

"C can I help you?" I hear her say and I look up at her. She more beautiful than I thought.

"Um, I think you dropped this when you ran by my house," I say and hold up the keychain.

"Oh, um thanks," she says and reaches out to take it when our fingers brush, I feel an electric shock and she smiles. "Thanks again, um."

"Noah."

"Thanks Noah."

"It was my pleasure," I smile. "May I know your name?" I say and bite my lip.

"Cassie."

"Hi Cassie," I say and smile.

"Hi Noah," she says and blushes a little then she bites her bottom lip.

I turn around and notice his car pulling into her driveway and frown, "I'll see you around Cassie. It was nice meeting you."

"Bye Noah."

I turn and walk back down her stairs, I start boarding back towards my house, thinking about her. I get home and eat inside, I eat dinner with my parents then do the dishes before heading up to my room to watch Netflix all night.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

A few weeks have gone by and I think I'm making some progress with her. I've actually gone over and talked to her a few times, I asked why her boyfriend hasn't been running with her as of late and she says he's been busy.

It's a Saturday and I'm heading home from my buddy Kyle's house when I turn on her street, I see her when she's walking down her stairs towards the street. I start going faster so I can catch her before she goes inside. I see she's checking the mail when I skate up by her.

"Hey Cassie." I say as I stop by her mailbox causing her to look up.

"Hey Noah. What's up?"

"Not much just bored. You?"

"Getting the mail for the parentals."

"Fun fun. Going for a run today?"

"Nope, it's my day off."

"Oh um," I start then bite my lip, "did you wanna hang out? I mean if you're not busy."

"What did you have in mind?"

"We could watch a movie, go for a walk or I could teach you how to skateboard."

"Sure," Cassie says and blushes then her phone starts ringing. She pulls it out and looks at it, "can you give me a minute?"

"Yeah sure."

"Hey Jay," She says and I frown a little.

I hope he doesn't wanna hang out with her and ruin my chances to get to know her more.

"Actually I'm gonna hang out with him," Cassie's says and I turn my attention towards her. Is she talking about me?

She whispers something in the phone I can't quite make out, she looks at me and I smile.

"Watch a movie, go for a walk, we're not sure yet," I hear her say in the phone, "Jayson!" She yells into the phone. "Sorry he's being crazy," she says to me and bites her lip.

"SHE WANTS TO HAVE YOUR CHILDREN!" I hear come from the phone and I try not to react, Cassie looks over at me and I smirk.

"And goodbye Jay," she says and hangs up the phone and looks at me, "Sorry best friends gone wild."

Wait what?

"Jay's your best friend and not your boyfriend?" I ask.

"No, best friend since birth. Our parents went to school together so once we were born it was only natural we became friends, our birthdays are one day apart. I'm older by thirteen hours."

"Oh. I just assumed since you two were always together."

"Everyone does," she says.

"So um what did you wanna do?"

"We could go for a walk around the neighborhood?" She asks.

"Sure, did you need to take in the mail?"

"No, it's just a magazine I can grab it later," she turns and put the magazine in the mailbox. "Did you need to do anything before our walk?"

"Nope, all free."

"Let's go then," she smiles.

We start waking down the sideway when I say, "Did you wanna play a game so we're not just walking in silence?"

"Sure."

"When's your birthday?"

"April twentieth."

"Yours?"

"May ninth."

"So I'm older by nineteen days," she says.

I do like older girls.

"What's your favorite animal?"

"I'd say cats, they're cute and cuddly," she says and smiles at me.

"And evil. My sister's cat is evil. One minute he'll love you then two seconds later he's plotting your death."

She laugh and asks, "What's his name?"

"Vesuvius but we call him Suvi for short. Do you have any pets?"

"Does Jay count?"

"If you want him too."

"Sure," Cassie laugh. "What's the worst thing about skateboarding?"

"Um probably learning tricks and falling on your ass until you get them."

"Sounds painful."

"Very. What's the last movie you saw in theaters?"

"Captain Marvel."

"Me too. When did you go?"

"This past Tuesday with Jay, we went at like 3:45 at Celebration."

"Oh my god! That's when I went, I was like five minutes late coming in cause someone was taking forever in the concession line."

"I think that was probably Jay," she laughs.

"Damn Jay," I say and laughs.

"What was your favorite part or parts?" she ask.

"Oh for sure when Goose was on screen. You?"

"Oh my god yes, when Goose exposed himself to Fury. I died laughing, you probably heard me."

"That was you." I stop and look at her.

"Uh yeah. Sorry," Cassie bites her lip and looks at me.

"It's cool cause I was laughing too," I say laughing.

"What's your favorite song right now?"

Cassie asks and we start walking again.

"Just one?"

"Okay maybe five."

"I can do five for sure. 'Sweet Thing' by Ylti, 'Luvsick' by Kai Wachi and Ylti, 'Hesher' by Wallpaper, 'Mine' by Bazzi, 'Beautiful' also by Bazzi, and a bonus 'Hell of a Life' by Kayne, though I don't like him personally I just like the song."

"So no more drugs for you, just pussy and religion?" She look at me, I just stop and look at her and she smirks. "What?"

"Have you been stalking my insta?"

"No," she blushes a little.

"You have!"

"No, I haven't. I just know that song."

"Mmhmm then why do you know the exact line I posted on my insta story yesterday?"

"Coincidence," she says and bites her lip.

"Oh okay," I say and rolls my eyes.

We start walking again, when I ask another question, "Do you know any of the other songs?"

"I know Bazzi's, he's my new obsession."

"No one ever knows about the music I listen to, how'd you hear about him?"

"Um, I plead the fifth."

"How are you going to plead the fifth on that?"

"Because I'll incriminate myself."

"By answering where you heard about Bazzi?"

"Yeah."

I don't say anything for a minute thinking over why she would plead the fifth on how she knows Bazzi but we continue to walk, when I stop suddenly. "You have been stalking my insta!"

"What? No!" She blushes.

"Not fair! You get to stalk me when I can't you." I pout and look at Cassie.

"Cassie.marie."

"What?"

"My insta, duh."

"Oh," I pull out my phone, opens insta and types in her username. I follow her and start liking a few pictures when I notices she never shows her birthmark until this most recent picture from a couple weeks ago.

"If you're stalking me, you suck. You're not supposed to be known."

"Oh sorry, I couldn't help myself," I say and smirk.

She pulls out her phone, I get a notification that she followed me back and puts her phone back in her pocket.

"Can I ask you something kinda personal, Cassie?" I ask her as we turn the corner back to her street.

"Sure."

"Now you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, I won't get upset if you don't."

"Ask it, please."

"Why do you hide your birthmark?"

"I um," she starts, biting her lip and stops in front of her house and she looks at me, "I don't like it and everyone used to make fun of me for it. So I grew to hate it and I thought hiding it was better for everyone. Once someone sees it they either make a face towards it or they ask about it."

"So what made you post a picture showing it the other day?"

"I was tired of hiding it and I." She says and looks down at our shoes.

"You what?"

"I kinda freaked out when Jay realized I didn't hide it from you when you brought back my key chain the other week. I didn't even realized you saw it till after you left."

"Cassie?" I says and move closer to her. I place my hand on her chin gently and raise her head so she looks at me. "So I made you show it to the world?"

She nods a little and I moves my hand to her cheek, and softly outline her birthmark with my thumb. "How could anyone tease you for something so beautiful?"

Her cheeks heat up and I smile.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," I trace it once more then removes my hand from her face. "What did you wanna do now?" I ask.

"Can you show me the basics on your board?"

"You wanna learn to ride?"

"Yeah, no tricks, I don't wanna hurt my butt."

I laugh, "sure."

We walk to the street and I put the board on the street. "Okay now find the center of the board." I say as I hold the board with my foot as she gets on it.

She puts her foot in the middle of the board and looks at me.

"And with your other foot, kick off. And just keep kicking till your comfortable with the speed then you can stop kicking and put your other foot on the board."

"Will you hold my hands so I don't fall. That's my fear right now," she asks.

"Sure." I take her hands and move my foot, and she starts to kicks off and she gasps a little causing me to laugh. I lets go of one of her hands and run beside her.

"I'm doing it!" She says excitedly and goes to kick again and kicks the board instead, she starts to fall when I slow the board down and catches her in my arms.

"Slow down speedy," I tease and looks down at Cassie.

She bites her lip and looks at me. I really wanna kiss her. I look from her eyes to her lips then back to her eyes and lips. She softly nods her head in approval as I lean down to connect our lips when her phone starts ringing, scaring us both.

She groans and pulls out her phone, "Sorry," she says softly and I help her stand up right on the street. I move away from her so I'm not intruding on her call.

"What?" I hear her say into the phone annoyed. "Yes. And I hate you."

I start messing with my board trying not pay attention to her phone call. My phone buzzes in my pocket;

Kyle: I'm on my way over for Avengers and pizza.

"Hey Cassie, I gotta head home for dinner, see you later?"

"Oh okay, bye Noah," Cassie says sounding a little sad. "Yeah, see you around."

I put my board down and start boarding back to my house. I get back as soon as Kyle pulls him.

"Hey!" He says as he gets out of his car.

"Hey," I say trying not to sound too rejected.

"I ordered our regular on the way over," Kyle says and I nod.

We head inside, I put my board away in the closet and we head up to my room.

"You cool, bro?" Kyle asks as I fall face down into my pillows.

I just groan loudly.

"I'll take that as a no. Did you see Cassie and her boyfriend or something?"

I roll over on the bed and look at him, "he's not her boyfriend but best friend, I found out earlier."

"That a good thing. You have a chance with her now."

"He cockblocked me today."

"Oh bro, what happened?"

"I was coming home from your house and I saw Cassie outside so I went over and started talking to her. He called her and they were talking, he yelled something about having my kids and Cassie hung up after that. Then we took a walk around the neighborhood asking questions back and forth, getting to know each other."

"I'm not seeing any cockblocking yet, sounds like she likes you from what her friend was yelling," Kyle says.

"I haven't got there yet. Anyways so we end up back at her house and she wants me to show her how to board. So I give her the simple instructions on how to kick and whatnot. She asks me to hold her hands so she doesn't fall so I do. I'm running along side her so she doesn't fall and she accidentally kicks the board instead of the ground and she starts to fall. I quickly stop the board and catch her before she falls, and bro I wanted to kiss her so bad. So I kept looking between her eyes and her lips and she nods so I go for it."

"You kissed her?"

"No."

"What?"

"Her stupid phone rings interrupting us. And by the sound of it she was pissed when she answered the phone, and guess who it was."

"The best friend."

I groan and nod my head.

"Sorry bro, I know how much you like her."

"I was so freaking close. We had another moment too."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, you know how I told you she has a birthmark on her cheek?"

Kyle nods.

"Well I found out she stalked my insta and she told me hers after I found out, and I followed her and liked some of her pics. I noticed in a pic," I pull out my phone to show him. "She didn't hide her birthmark like she does in other pics and I asked her why."

Kyle takes my phone and looks at her profile.

"She said that I made her show it because I didn't say anything or make a face more or less when I saw it. She said people would tease her about it in school. She was looking at our shoes, and I took her chin in my hand and made her look at me. I traced it with my thumb and said, "How could anyone tease you for something so beautiful?" causing her to blush."

"Bro! You got game, who would have thought?"

"Shut up!"

"So what's going to happen now?"

"I haven't thought that far ahead yet."

The doorbell rings and Kyle goes down to answer it and comes back up with our food and drinks. We sit on my bed and start to pig out.

"Maybe you can arrange another boarding lesson and the moment could come up again?"

"I don't have her number though."

"Slide in her DMs, bro."

"I knew you were my friend for a reason," I say and Kyle's shakes his head at me.

"Netflix?"

I turn on my tv and we start watching Avengers: Infinity War and eating our pizza.

Kyle goes home around ten after we finish the movie and play a few rounds of Smash Brothers.

I grab my phone and look through my photo roll, picking the picture I've been meaning to post and it fits with what I wanna caption.

Can't stop thinking about you. ♥

I close the app and turn my attention back to the tv. Around an hour later, my phone dings and I grab it, smiling when I see the notification; Cassie.marie. liked your photo.

I open Instagram and direct message her.

Noah: hi

Cassie: hi

Noah: whatcha doing?

Cassie: watching a movie, you?

Noah: laying in my bed, bored.

Cassie: wanna continue our game?

Noah: sure.

Cassie: when did you start skateboarding?

Noah: around 12 y/o

Cassie: Nice

Noah: do you have any hidden talents?

Cassie: I can do the splits, does that count?

Noah: Yeah I guess, not everyone can do them

I head downstairs and grab a water from the fridge when I see the banner pop up, I read the message and go to the closet to grab my board and quietly head out the front door. I board over to Cassie's before I open her DM.

Cassie: can I have your number?

Noah: 213-555-0139

Cassie: I HAVE HIS NUMBER

I start laughing in the middle of the street.

Noah: was that supposed to be to Jay? 🤣🤣

Cassie: I plead the fifth again 😎

My phone buzzes and I smile, I quickly add her number to my contacts; Cassie♥️

Cassie♥️: hi

Noah: hi 🤓

Cassie♥️: where'd you go?

Noah: I plead the fifth. 😛

Cassie♥️: that's my line 😠

Noah: look out your window

I see her curtain move and I smile.

Cassie♥️: What are you doing?

Noah: midnight lesson?

Cassie♥️: be down in five

I walk up her stairs and sit down on the top stair waiting for her to come outside. I hear the door open and smile.

"Hi," Cassie says.

"Hi."

"Isn't a little late for a lesson?"

"Yeah, but I couldn't think of anything else to get you to come outside."

"You could have just asked," she giggles a little.

"I'll have to remember that next time."

"Next time?"

"Yeah. Cassie, I like talking to you. You're not like other girls our age. You say what you're thinking. And you're not afraid to show how you're feeling."

Cassie starts to blush and I bite my lip.

"So..." I say.

"So..." Cassie mocks back.

"Do you have plans tomorrow afternoon?"

"No, why?"

"You need another lesson," I say.

"Oh yeah."

"Let's say two, I meet you here and we have the lesson, and leave your phone inside."

"No phone. Gotcha."

"But I'm gonna go back home before I get grounded and we have no lesson."

"So you asked me outside to ask if I was busy? You could have done that on the phone."

"Well I wanted to see you again before I go to sleep," I say and smirk causing her to blush.

"Goodnight Noah."

"Goodnight Cassie."

I walk down her stairs and board back to my house, I quietly open the door and see my mom standing there.

Shit!

"And where were you at this time of night, Noah Gregory?"

"Um," I bite my lip and look at her innocently. "Asking a girl to hang out tomorrow."

"Oh. You couldn't do this over the phone?"

"No, well yes but I wanted to see her one more time."

"Wait, is it that girl that runs by here all the time?"

"Maybe."

"You finally talked to her?"

"How do you know about her?"

"You and Kyle aren't that quiet when you talk."

"Oh. Yeah I talked to her. We hung out earlier and I sorta taught her how to skateboard a little. And wanted to have another lesson with her."

"Okay. I won't ground you but no more sneaking out to see her."

"Yes ma'am."

I head up to my room and get ready for bed. I get in bed and grab my phone taking a pic and sending it to Cassie.

Night

Cassie♥️: night dork 🤓

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

I get up the next morning and take a shower. I come back to my room and stand in front of my closet looking for what to wear.

I grab my black baseball hat tossing it in the bed. I grab a grey shirt and some black cut off jeans, I walk over to my dresser and grab some black socks and some fresh boxer briefs.

I quickly get dressed and grab my baseball hat, going into the bathroom and start blow drying my hair. I put on my hat and walk back to my room when my phone dings.

Cassie♥️: I'm ready for my lesson whenever you are 🤓

Noah: on my way over.

I head downstairs and say bye to my mom as I grab my board from the closet.

I head outside and start boarding over to her house. I see her sitting on the stairs where I was last night and smile.

I jog up the stairs, "hi."

"Hi. I got us waters," Cassie says.

"Thanks." I take one, opening it and taking a drink. "No speeding today," I jokes and smiles.

"No speeding, got it and my phone is inside."

"I brought mine just in case but I'm gonna leave it up here with the waters."

Cassie gets up and walks down the stairs, grabbing my board, she centers herself then starts kicking as I start walking down the stairs. I watch her for a little, "looks like you're doing good. Have you secretly been practicing since yesterday?"

"I plead the fifth."

"Cassie!"

"I'm joking Noah, calm down. I'm just taking slow like you said."

I go up beside her and start running and she kicks to go faster, faster than what I'm running.

"Noah!"

I start running faster and start laughing, "stop kicking before you crash."

She puts her foot on the board as I continue to run along side her. The board finally slows down and she looks at me, "you get the workout today."

"I should have dressed differently then," I say.

She laughs and hop off the board when it comes to a stop. "Can we both ride on it?"

"Maybe, if you stay still and not move."

"I'll try."

She gets on the back of the board and I get in the front, I put one foot on and start kicking when I feel her grab the back of my shirt.

We ride around for a few minutes, "I need a drink, Cassie." We ride back to her house and we both hop off the board, I jog up the stairs, grabbing our waters and my phone.

Cassie is sitting on my board rolling back and forth a little when I hand her her water.

"Thanks."

"No problem." I move to sit on the curb, "what made you wanna try boarding?"

"Looked like it was easy, well what I'm doing, not the tricks."

"Yeah, you're nowhere near tricks."

"Yeah I'll stick to kicking."

I take a deep breath and get up from the curb and stands in front of Cassie, I stand with her legs in between mine. I look down at her, "can I tell you a secret?"

She nods and looks up at me.

"I've been dying to kiss you since yesterday."

Cassie blushes and bites her bottom lip.

I look at her eyes then her lips and back to her eyes then lips again. I bend down a little and kiss her lips softly. She pulls my shirt down and pulls me closer when I smirk in the kiss. She lets go of my shirt and I pull away.

"Whoa," I say.

"Whoa," she says and looks up at me.

"Whoa," I say again and looks at Cassie, I hold my hand out and she intertwines hers into mine and I help her up off the skateboard. I wrap my arounds around her waist and smiles, "definitely worth the wait."

"Shut up and kiss me," she says causing me to smirk.

I lean down a little and connect our lips again. She moves her arms around my waist. I bring a hand up to her cheek and trace her birthmark. I pull away slightly and looks at Cassie, "Will you be my girlfriend?"

She bites her lip and whispers, "yes."

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miikkasakari · 5 years

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It took Marvel way too long to get around to a movie starring a female superhero, but Captain Marvel does a good job of sticking to its comic book movie roots while acknowledging, yeah, it’s a little different.

There’s nothing inherently special about a comic book movie with a female lead (and a white one, at that), but what I absolutely love about Captain Marvel is how they played it. For the most part, it seems to know it’s not special. It’s pretty standard fare: you don’t see it for a good feminist time, you see it because you like comic book movies. That’s what it is to its core. But it has all of these moments that work on a universal level, but carry gendered undertones - and it’s nice to be able to relate to those.

Like one of the key plot points in the movie: Carol is constantly chastised for being emotional. There are plenty of reasons that makes sense - the Kree not wanting her to be herself, for them to be able to control her and rely on her (after all, it was her disobeying orders that got her captured to begin with) - but, of course, there’s that moment every time a woman is told she’s being too emotional and can’t be taken seriously. But it’s when Carol gets emotional that she has to be taken seriously - whether it’s Maria giving her a supportive talk or her getting the chance to use her powers in full for the first time, Carol getting to be her true self with full expression is when she’s at her most powerful. And there’s a real joy in getting to see her experience it. The final battle is pretty anti-climactic because she’s so strong, but she’s also literally whooping during it - she’s getting to have the time of her life because she finally knows who she is again, and she’s emotional and protective, and she finally gets to express that as she’s found herself. It’s a celebration of a woman getting to do what she wants and anybody who would tell her off for it can go to hell.

And there’s also what leads up to it: Carol always gets back up again because she’s human. And that’s something pretty much anyone can relate to. But it carries that extra weight for anyone who grew up as a girl because it’s flooded with those mocking moments - “too emotional, too weak” - because she’s doing things not typical of a little girl, like going all out while go-karting or playing baseball (and either the kid pitching has absolutely terrible aim or he was absolutely trying to bean her). I remember those moments of being picked last for whatever I wanted to do and the neglect and dismissal that came with them. Carol’s resilient because she’s a human, but she’s also resilient because she grew up being told she couldn’t be.

And and, of course, the final moment with Yon-Rogg, which has so succinctly put into words exactly the tell-off I’ve needed: “I have nothing to prove to you.” Yon-Rogg’s move was absolutely a survival tactic, and it wasn’t inherently gendered in any way - he was completely outmatched, he knew it, and playing on his history with Carol as the one thing that could have possibly actually worked for him - but at the same time it was gendered, because he made himself the centre of her story. Carol used to go knocking on Maria’s door way too early in the day; she replaces her with Yon-Rogg and latches herself onto him because he’s made himself the central figure in her world (and probably gaslit her to do it, at that). He tried to set it up so that without Yon-Rogg, there’s no Carol; everything she did had to tie back to him in some way. That’s how a main character works, after all. But Yon-Rogg was never anything but a side character to her story - a nuisance, really - and Carol refusing to take him seriously at the end (to the point of dragging him across the desert, which was a perfect shot) is that one last weapon: a fuck off to a small, little man who has nothing to do with you and doesn’t deserve the attention he thinks he does. He’s not important and she tells him as much.

But otherwise, you know, comic book movie.

Except for some of the other moments in which it’s tonally different. It feels like there are many more quiet moments in which characters get to just talk - most scenes in Maria’s house are like that. They talk to Talos to advance the story and find new things out. They’re just having a nice evening together after the big battle. Carol calmly gives Fury his modified pager while they’re doing dishes and goofing around together. The movie gets the chance to breathe and explore its characters emotions, a lot, and that’s what i’m missing in a lot of these: something traumatic happens to a character but there’s no time to process it (except for maybe a scene in a sequel) because it always has to be go-go-go, and Captain Marvel is completely happy to just hit pause on things and square up its characters.

It also does a great job tying itself into the MCU canon and weaving itself into decade-old fabric rather seamlessly. For one thing, it finally gives us a Fury movie - not someone who knows all but certainly doesn’t say all and operates behind the shadows, but a Level 3 agent adapting on the fly to new situations because he has no other choice. We finally get to see him as a person, not just a figure, and turns out the person is pretty awesome. He’s competent, he’s curious, he’s a good judge of character. And his quick rapport with Carol makes the entire movie - when they first escape on the jet and are joking around together is when it really hits home, how easily he can make her laugh as her personality actually gets the chance to start shining through (before she knows the truth, even).

It’s easy to see why they’re friends, too: they have similar lived experiences, as he points out rather quickly from his “rogue soldier” remark. He quickly admitted to his faults in not quite trusting her without argument and had redeemed himself pretty much right away, as well. They don’t just end up with similar goals; they genuinely enjoy one another’s company. It’s what will tie Carol so well into Endgame, in all likelihood, judging by the first post-credits scene - she has a real emotional investment in the outcome, she has just as strong an emotional tie as any of the other characters to fight. We’ve only known her for one movie but she’s just as relatable as the rest of them thanks to her time with Fury.

And, of course, the kicker: the very end, in which Fury names the Avengers Initiative after her, with the theme briefly playing before transitioning to the credits. That’s what makes Carol feel like she’s been a long-time part of this universe even though she was just introduced: her friendship with Fury sets the stage for everything that’s to come without ignoring everyone else who built it up. Her shadow touched it all, even though we didn’t know it at the time, and then seeing Fury quietly work to build a legacy around her really drives it home.

Also, it was completely predictable how they’d tease him losing an eye, and once they showed him aggressively playing with Goose at the end it was obvious, but it was still perfect - him losing an eye was essentially played off as a joke, but also he did lose an eye to one of the most powerful and dangerous creatures in the universe, so it’s not that much of a joke if you really think about it.

Though Carol’s friendship with Fury is a big driving point, her friendship with Maria is equally so: she regains her humanity through her (and Monica), nobody else. It’s Maria she has the most emotional moments with, seeing the astounding loss play out from Maria’s point of view, Maria being the only reason she actually finds herself again. The moment in which Carol is screaming at Talos that he doesn’t know her, not even she knows herself - but there’s one person there who does know her, and then they just hug for a long time - was beautiful. The MCU has extremely little in the way of female friendships - Gamora and Nebula reconciling is the only one that comes to mind off the top of my head - so finally getting to see one so genuine and of such consequence was wonderful.

That, and all of the Photon foreshadowing. Monica was a delight as well - though that seems to be expected, since she was basically co-parented by Maria and Carol. (Seriously, this movie was Steve-and-Bucky-level gay.) It wasn’t a movie dominated by women, but their presences were so much more pronounced than they normally are, it really does make one wonder why they can’t do better in this area. Black Panther figured it out; Captain Marvel downsized it and made it more intimate.

But again - even with all of that - this really was a comic book movie. The way Talos uncovered Carol’s memories was unique and set the right amount of intrigue, but the casual way he goes about it really introduces us to Talos as a character, as well. He’s someone with a sense of humour trying to solve a puzzle - highly relatable - and yet when they made it to Mar-Vell’s lab, I was bracing myself for his inevitable betrayal, because Skrull. It’s wild how relieved I was he actually was just a good guy, because it was easy to get attached to him and his straightforward nature (when he finally decided to go in that direction). Skrulls can be tricky but just making this small group genuinely good people caught up in a shitty war was the right way to do it. I hope the MCU never does a Secret War storyline, because it won’t translate to a movie-verse like this - there’s too much time between movies/chapters, too much time to get attached to characters and actors; it would feel like a betrayal. I look forward to seeing evil Skrulls at some point, but I’m happy Talos wasn’t one of them, and he got to hold his share of heart in the movie, too.

That, and Monica’s budding friendship with Talos’ kid - they’ve set themselves up to do more if they want to.

I wish we could’ve gotten more Ronin - he feels so underused in every movie he’s in, and maybe that’s just the gravitas to his character or maybe he’s legitimately being completely underused - but he was really threatening in the bit of screen time he did have. His intrigue with watching Carol go about her business and his respect for her was outstanding and highlighted the both of them: he’s a brutal murderer and he recognizes he’s no match for her.

Getting to see Coulson again was really great as well, especially since I’ve finally taken the time to watch Agents of SHIELD and get attached to his character. Seeing Coulson as a loyal rookie was just the perfect dose, from him being left behind at the Blockbuster to looking upon Fury in awe at the end. He’s kind of just a guy, but you can tell why he’s special, and why he would have looked up to Captain America: ultimately his defining trait is a very warm heart.

And finally: making Mar-Vell a woman was something I definitely wasn’t expecting, but it really did add another layer to the entire movie. It gave someone else for Carol to relate and look up to; her history and Maria pretty explicitly spell out that their being women is a problem, so it makes it all the more believable she would grow close to someone like Mar-Vell and truly want to help, all the while admiring what she was doing, even if she didn’t know the truth behind it all. It carried so much more weight than if they had kept Mar-Vell a man. And she was such a good character that seeing the Supreme Intelligence warp her into someone so warmongering actually did hurt - and seeing Carol fight partly in Mar-Vell’s honour made it so much better, and it makes so much more sense that she would take on her name.

It really shouldn’t have taken Marvel this long to create a movie actually starring a woman and focusing on her relationships with other women. But at least when they finally did it, they did it right - and it made for a really good, fun comic book movie with just that little bit extra under the surface.

#mcu essay dorking

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literary-spirit · 6 years

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Confessions of a Mikaelson: Possessing the Bennett

*Warning there's not only smut in this chapter, but there'll also be a crap ton of lemonade throughout this story. It's rated M for a reason, my fellow Bonnie lovers. So if you're not with it then I'll completely understand and for those of you who wish to proceed, please remember to buckle your seatbelts and strap on you helmets, this road is cluttered and broken.* Okay so Francesca and I are working on something new. This WIP begins at the end of 01X01 TVD and swerves recklessly out of the canon plot line into a very strange AU! So you've been warned! Flame it or acclaim in comments. I'll leave it up to the Bennett Fandom on whether this hot mess of a WIP lives to see another update!

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, none of these characters belong to me. And to add unfairness to poetic injustice, neither does the shows or the books. However, I still intend to pull the characters' strings and make them dance, all while having a ball upsetting canon plot lines!

Bonnie Bennett glared down at her smashed to hell pager. "Fucking, fuckery, fuck!"

She cringed after the string of no-no words leapt from her mouth. Unholy hell. Well, that would be another fifteen dollars for the swear jar. Her Grams had created the damn thing before she passed away. It was meant to help her broaden her vocabulary now it would probably be what put her through college.

For reasons she never really wanted to consider, she still faithfully added money to the jar whenever one of those slippery bastards (swear words) tumbled from her lips. Which fortunately only occurred when she was upset, stressed, depressed, bored, or angry. Okay, when she reflected upon it, half of her verbal interactions consisted of inappropriate phrases. Who the hell was she fooling? Her tongue had never met an explicit word it couldn't commit to.

Her glare left her broken pager to assess the front wheel of her bike. The damn thing had nearly folded in half. Well, it could've been worse. Instead of Caroline Forbes making her crash her bike into one of the wooden poles of Wickery Bridge, she could've simply knocked her over the rail. Bonnie wondered if the vapid bitch would've stopped then. She shook her head. Probably not. Why would she?

Bonnie Bennett was selectively invisible to the Mystic Falls' High elite. The only time any of those beautiful vultures ever acknowledged her was when they wanted to score some mushrooms and organic Mary J from her Grams garden or if they wanted to purchase a term paper. Other than that, she could walk down the halls bare assed wearing nothing but a smile and no one would raise even a threaded eyebrow. However, their impaired vision on all things Bonnie Bennett suited her just fine. She preferred living her day to day in between the lines. It afforded her certain privacies those who basked in the spot light were denied.

Yet, that evening she could've used just a bit of the spotlight. Not only was her bike a fucking tragedy, but her ankle was busted all to hell too. Without a ride or a phone, she'd have to limp her happy ass all the way home. Unless, the caretaker of the Mikaelson Estate took pity on her and allowed her to call a taxi. Bonnie didn't hold out much hope, though.

She honestly couldn't remember the last time the old crusty son of a bitch opened the wrought iron front gates. Maybe it was the last time the Mikaelsons were actually in residence. But when the hell was that? She'd lived in Mystic Falls all of her life and she'd never so much as caught a glimpse of the family. Talk was, they travelled year round and the Mikaelson Estate was only one of many properties they owned. And if rumors danced close to fact, then the residence should be in possession of at least one damn phone.

Not wanting to linger any longer on the bridge which hosted a shit ton of animal attacks, Bonnie struggled to drag her bike to the grassy area under the Wickery sign. Once she chained it to the wooden pole, she began to limp towards the Estate. It took her fifteen slow as shit minutes to reach the intercom outside the gates. To her surprise the house twinkled with a dozen or so lights too many. A frown crumpled her face. Normally, the house stood cloaked in shadows around that time of evening. For a brief second she found herself hesitating to press the intercom button. However, the aching throb of her ankle gave her the motivation she required to ring the caretaker.

A few moments after the crackly sound subsided an elderly voice answered. "Yes?"

"Hi," she said, trying her damnest to put on her sweetest good girl voice. "I just wrecked my bike on Wickery Bridge and broke my pager. Would it be possible for me to use your phone?"

Without explanation the intercom went silent. When she moved to press the button again, the gates swung open. Her eyes nearly hit the paved driveway at the sight of an old school Bentley pulling to a stop at the entrance. Seconds later, the—older than sand—caretaker exited the driver seat and shuffled around the car to open the back door.

Bonnie hobbled over to the car. Once there, she eased herself into the back seat. After closing the door, it took him every bit of eight minutes to reclaim his seat behind the steering wheel and another ten before he pulled the Bentley in front of the huge French glass double doors at the front of the Mansion. Deciding not to wait another twenty minutes for the caretaker to open her door, she slid from the backseat.

By the time she'd limped to the entrance, the caretaker had pulled the car away from the front of the house. Soon as she teetered to a stop on the proverbial welcome mat, the doors swung open. The air thickened right before several intoxicating forces nearly knocked her to the ground. An electric pulsing sensation shot from her center and surged through her vessels. The pulsating pooled in the palms of her hands, while forcing its way outward to thrum just beneath the surface of her skin. It was almost as if the intense vibrations deep within her responded to the pounding energy pouring from the mansion.

Bonnie stood on the fucking precipice. Her spidey senses told her that if she leaped nothing in her world would ever be the same. If she turned back now her life would resume unchanged. Being a habitual creature who never deviated from patterns or set routines, she knew the choice she should've selected. However, the draw beyond the threshold appealed to her way more than the comfort of her normal resting state. She inhaled enough oxygen for two and stepped inside before she had the chance to second guess her sanity.

Once inside the doors automatically closed behind her. Bonnie barely took notice. The spacious ornate foyer held her focus. Truth was, she didn't know what the hell to ogle first. From the massive crystal chandelier suspended at least sixty feet off the ground to the floor to ceiling marbled columns, everything vied for her absolute attention.

She couldn't believe people actually lounged in such a cushy lap of luxury. She'd never seen anything so...lavish. Not even Zach Salvatore's Boarding House could hold a blow torch to the Mikaelson Estate and his mansion was believed to be the nicest in town. That's if one didn't count the Lockwood Plantation. And she didn't. The slave quarters the Lockwood's still maintained on their property snatched them right out of the running.

The fine hair stood on the back of her neck as goose bumps pebbled the skin on her arms. She was being watched. Of course she was being watched. Whoever maintained the place alongside the caretaker probably wanted to make sure a few priceless knick-knacks didn't find its way into her pockets.

"Hello," A feminine voice greeted her from behind.

She limped around to face the owner of the voice. A sophisticated middle age lady stood before her looking like she'd just taken a bath in one percent privilege. The ends of her silky blond hair fell a couple of inches below her jawline in a professionally tapered bob to frame a passingly attractive oval shaped face. Tasteful, but expensive jewelry twinkled from her ears, wrist, and neck. The low-key touch brought a little more glamour to the understated white sundress she wore. After a head to toe assessment, she concluded there was no way in hell this woman was the housekeeper.

Bonnie cleared her throat. "Hey, I'm Bonnie Bennett." The woman's assessing blue gaze slightly flared with recognition. "I wrecked my bike a couple of hundred yards back on Wickery Bridge and totaled my fucking pager." Shit! Another five dollars for the swear jar. She squeezed her eyes closed. "Sorry, didn't mean to swear," she mumbled before retraining her gaze on the older lady who looked more amused than offended. "But in my defense this day has been a total shi-..." she shook her head, "never mind. Would it be okay if I used your phone?"

"Absolutely, Miss Bennett," the woman said, while strolling further into the foyer. "And before I misremember my manners allow me to introduce myself. I'm Esther Mikaelson."

Surprise stretched Bonnie's eyes wide. No fucking way! Wait until the founding families got an ear full of this news. Carol Lockwood would no doubt wet her panties when she heard the Mikaelsons had come to town. She mentally shook her head as she limped forward to grasp Mrs. Mikaelson extended hand.

The corners of the woman's mouth travelled south under the weight of a frown as she gazed down at Bonnie's sneakers. "Were you harmed?" Mrs. Mikaelson questioned as her intense stare reestablished eye contact between them.

"Think I sprained my ankle," she said, while lifting her injured limb. "I'm sure it'll be fine once I get some ice on it, though."

Esther's brow puckered. "Finn!"

"Yes, mother?" A tall—totally fuckable—man appeared from behind the same door Esther exited.

"Miss Bennett-,"

"Miss Bennett?" He questioned with an arched brow.

"Yes...Miss Bennett, this is my eldest son Finn," she shot the man a pointed glare before continuing. "Miss Bennett has unfortunately injured herself during a biking expedition. Would you do a great kindness and carry her to the beige and gold sitting room?"

"That's not necessary. I can walk-,"

"Of course, mother," he said, before turning to approach her. The atmosphere around him crackled. Waves of intoxicating energy seeped from him and tentatively swirled around her, all while taking care not to make contact. The temperature of her body crept north. When he towered over her, he paused, "May I, Miss Bennett?"

"Really, it's not-,"

Without giving her time to finish her sentence, he lifted her into his arms as if she weighed nothing more than an arm full of feathered pillows. He then swiftly made his way deeper into the mansion. After a few minutes of sprinting, he stopped in front of a set of closed doors. An array of voices drifted to them from inside the room. Finn took a step back to allow Esther to enter ahead of them.

Upon the opening of the door, a wall of highly charged energy slammed into her and lit her the fuck up. Her body temperature sky rocketed and leaped off the damn meter as if she'd been tossed into a hell blaze. Combined magnetic forces pricked at the exposed surface of her skin. She became extremely cognizant of Finn's hard frame firmly pressed against her side. A fantasy of her running her hands over hills of rigid muscles while he stood before her in all his bare ass glory, blasted away her conscious regard for shame. Without out grazing two thoughts together, she began to rub her cheek back and forth over his pec. The growl her actions elicited provoked her nipples to tighten almost to the point of being painful.

"Well, well! Look what the Finn managed to drag in, Bekah," a boy with precision cut sable tresses snarked from his place in one of the armchairs positioned in front of the fire place. He watched her with unblinking chocolate brown eyes that was downright predatory in nature. His calculated serial killer stare should've scared her crapless. Yet, all she could manage to think was...hmm, dessert! "Do say you're intending to share, brother." Finn's hold tightened around her.

"Curb your vile tongue, Kol. Miss Bennett is a guest in our home and you would do well to honor her as such." Esther hissed as she impaled him with a glare that would've made Satan piss his pants.

Guest? She just wanted to use the damn phone.

"Bennett?" A jaw dropping blond bombshell questioned from a satin bronzed sofa.

Finn gently placed her on the opposing loveseat. "Yes, Rebekah. This is Miss Bonnie Bennett." His slightly timid gaze found hers as he positioned a pillow under her ankle. "Miss Bennett, these are my siblings Kol and Rebekah."

Faster than her eyes could track, Rebekah shot from the sofa and reappeared again as she placed Bonnie's ankle in her lap.

"Fucking, fuckery, fuck! Am I having a stroke or did you just imitate a fucking Lambo?" Shit, another twenty for the swear jar.

Rebekah's mouth fell open and a chortle tumbled forth. Finn tsked his expression absolutely scandalized. Esther's eyebrows leaped into her hairline and Kol...wait...where the hell was Kol? Moments later she was lifted from the loveseat cushion and resettled in a hard bulging lap. Cool lips nuzzled the crook of her neck as something steamy floated from a tea cup that hovered in front of her face.

"Sweetness, your wicked terminology enflames me. Curiously, I find myself longing for the affordable affections of an all too willing dockside harlot," Kol whispered next to her ear. "Here, have some tea while it's still warm. It'll do wonders for your injured ankle."

With no further warning, Kol placed the tea cup to her lips and spilled the contents down her throat. To prevent herself from, choking she swallowed the metallic tasting tea. As she drank her thoughts spun the hell out in her head. How the...where the...something was extremely twisted about the Mikaelsons. Strength, beauty, and speed. She felt as if someone had dropped her off in a damn Twilight flick. Had she been one of those drugged out hippy, dippy, students Grams used to invite over for dinner, she'd truly believe herself to be in a house overran with vampires.

"Mother, will you not correct Kol on his forwardness in regards to Miss Bennett," Finn demanded, while attempting to commit visual homicide on his younger brother.

"Kol," Esther spit, her tone warning.

The caretaker appeared in the open doorway of the room. "Lady Mikaelson, Lord Niklaus wishes you attend him on the telephone."

Telephone? That's what the hell she needed!

"Excuse, Miss Bennett. I won't be but a moment," she rose from seat next to a large paned window. "I'll receive the call in my study Hannibal." She sashayed from the room and the door softly clicked closed after her.

"Oh, brother of mine. Celeste has yet to launder our unmentionables." Kol paused to blow a stream of cool air in her ear. The walls of her pop rocker quavered. "Why not preoccupy yourself with sniffing mother's soiled knickers. Your absence will allow Bonnie and me an opportunity to become better acquainted."

After she finished drinking the tea, Kol pushed the cup and saucer into Finn's hands. She opened her mouth to bless him with some more of her, wicked terminology, when she noticed the throbbing in her ankle stopped.

Flexing her ankle back and forth, she side eyed Kol. "What the hell was in that tea?"

"Family recipe," he said with wide guiltless doe eyes. He, however, looked about as innocent as a wolf covered in blood and feathers.

Rebekah snorted as she stroked her now apparently uninjured ankle. The vibrations which pulsed from the tips of her fingers triggered her to squeeze her thighs together to assuage a whole other throbbing. When the youngest Mikaelson licked her painted rosy lips, liquid heat flooded Bonnie's center. What the fuck? When had girls ever done it for her? Not that a boy had ever done it to her, but still. All her crushes over the last few years were geared towards the opposite sex. She'd never thought about a girl in such a way.

Uncomfortable in her own damn skin, Bonnie hopped from Kol's lap to put distance between her and the Mikaelson siblings. "Look, I just needed to use the phone. But since my ankle is-,"

"Brilliant." Rebekah climbed to her feet and grabbed her wrist. She then dragged her towards the door. "You can use the one in my room." When Kol moved to follow, Rebekah speared him with an over the shoulder glare, before saying, "no boys allowed!"

****

Rebekah covertly watched Bonnie Bennett through her lashes as she painted the tiny witch's toes. Nik's spies in Mystic Falls hadn't exaggerated. She was exquisite. Her smooth bronzed brown skin appeared to be quite edible. The way it stretched uninterrupted over her hills, peaks, valleys, and dips, compelled her tongue to glide back and forth across her bottom lip. She couldn't refrain herself from imagining the lovely dove stripped bare and reclining in the center of her bed with her luxurious chocolate tresses fanned out about her head. Quite the fetching sight she'd make to be sure.

Vanilla, coconuts, and the sensually mouthwatering scent of arousal tempted Rebekah's nostrils. Her core clenched as a hint of a smile flirted with her lips. It pleased her to know the witch struggled with her lust as well. The proof saturated the air with her delectable fragrance. The sweet attar, teasingly baited and ensnared them. Even now Kol stood vigil outside her bedroom door. While Finn had abandoned his perpetual crusade of self-loathing to recite aloud, Napoleon's love letters to Josephine. In verity, they'd all become rather batty for Bonnie.

If the witch caused this big of an uproar in the house of Mikaelson before the manifestation of her powers, they would all be raving lunatics after her quickening.

"What'd you think, Dove? Do you fancy them?" Rebekah questioned, while tightening the top on the nail polish.

The witch's enthralling green eyes slightly narrowed as she peered down at her toes. "Um...they're really red."

Rebekah rolled her eyes as she placed the fingernail polish back on the night stand. "How perceptive of you, Miss Bennett," she said, allowing sarcasm to thread itself through her tone. "Do you have the inclination to inform me on the blondness of my hair as well?"

"Whoa, there's no need to take the leash off the bitch. All I'm saying is-,"

"Hmm..." The witch's sentence skidded to a halt when the blonde original began to massage her shapely calves. "What were you saying, Dove?"

"I..." the little beauty paused to swallow. "Didn't mean to offend you."

"Oh..." she murmured, while she allowed her fingers to inch up Bonnie's jean clad thigh. "Well, I'm relieved. The task of pleasing you is extremely important to me." The heel of her palm connected with the lovely dove's crotch.

A breathy moan crept from the split of the witch's lips. "Rebekah, I'm not into...ahh...ooh..." Bonnie whimpered as the youngest original began to grind her hand into her witch's denim clad mound.

"Shh, Dove," she whispered, while urging the witch to lie back on the pillow-top mattress. "It's just us girls..."

Rebekah moved to straddle Bonnie's lap. She then leaned forward and brushed her mouth against the witch's to gauge how receptive she'd be to a kiss. The Bennett witch's arms slithered around her neck and drew her closer. Once Rebekah's mouth loomed over hers, she lifted her head from the mattress to close the distance. Since her lovely little dove initiated the kiss she allowed the tiny witch to take the lead. However, when it became blatantly apparent she'd never been properly snogged, the original reclaimed control.

With the tip of her tongue, she traced the seam of Bonnie's lips. A moment later the witch opened her mouth and granted her entrance. The sweet taste of her extracted a throaty moan from Rebekah and motivated her lower half to grind into Bonnie's. Pretty soon the witch's hips began to rise from the mattress to meet her wild writhing thrusts. Each of their whimpers and moans climbed in volume until their lips tingled and the press of their joined mouths could no longer suppress the sounds.

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phantom-le6 · 3 years

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Episode Reviews - Star Trek: The Next Generation Season 2 (4 of 5)

Carrying on with my episode reviews for Star Trek: The Next Generation, we now come to the penultimate group of episodes for the show’s second season…

Episode 15: Pen Pals

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

As the Enterprise surveys an area of unexplored planets with unusually short life spans due to severe geological changes, Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher is put in charge of a survey team in order to further his studies toward becoming a Starfleet officer. Wesley selects a team of highly competent science officers; however, as they are much older than he is, he worries that his authority will be challenged. One team member, Davies, rebuffs Wesley's request to run a time-consuming scan, causing Wesley to doubt himself.

Meanwhile, Lt. Commander Data receives a primitive radio signal from a young girl on one of the planets. Data makes contact with the girl, named Sarjenka, and continues to converse regularly with her over the course of several weeks, keeping the details of his identity secret as Sarjenka's culture is unaware of life existing outside their planet. When Sarjenka reports that earthquakes are occurring with increasing frequency, Data realizes her planet is beginning to break down, and reports to Captain Picard in the hope that the Enterprise can find a way to reverse the process. Picard sympathizes with Data's case, but sternly orders him to cease communication with Sarjenka to avoid any further violations of the Prime Directive.

Wesley seeks Commander Riker for advice on handling his team. Riker stresses that Starfleet training is about both responsibility and authority, and commends Wesley for his record of responsibility, but urges him to exercise authority with the science team. Wesley returns to the team and requests in a more authoritative manner that Davies perform the planetary scan, and Davies complies without argument.

The senior staff debate whether to aid Sarjenka or not; Picard and Worf stand firm on principle, Dr Pulaski and Geordi against the idea of letting the child and her people die, and Troi and Riker take opposing views on the idea that the planetary destruction may be part of a cosmic plan; Riker thinks that plan is something they shouldn’t interfere with, while Troi suggests their interference could be part of that plan. When Picard orders Data to terminate the radio link, Data activates it and everyone hears Sarjenka pleading for help. Feeling that this is now a direct call for assistance, Picard orders the Enterprise to Sarjenka's planet.

The scans prove to be key to understanding the planet's geological instability, and Wesley's team proposes a method to correct it. Due to a breakdown of communications on the planet, Picard allows Data to beam down to take the girl to safety; running out of time, he takes her back to the Enterprise instead, much to Picard's dismay. The crew is able to safely restore the planet's geological system, and Picard orders Chief Medical Officer Dr Pulaski to sedate Sarjenka and erase her memories of Data and the Enterprise. Data returns the sleeping girl to her home, now safe, leaving her with a "singing stone" that Dr Pulaski had given her while in Sickbay.

Review:

This episode is the first in the Next Generation series to really debate the Prime Directive, and it’s no wonder there are many episodes where Starfleet officers decide on moral and ethical grounds to ignore it. The moment Picard brings up the question ‘do we get involved in a war’, everyone’s moral certitude seems to dissipate, but then he brings up the question ‘do we get involved if a corrupt government is slaying innocent people’. That’s basically asking if a Starfleet ship came across a planet where a like-for-like analogue of the Nazi holocaust was occurring, would it be right for the crew of that ship to interfere. The answer, of course, is hell bloody yes; they go down there and phaser the hell out of whatever goose-stepping alien bigots are pulling that kind of prejudiced, barbaric bullshit.

This, ultimately, is why the Prime Directive seems to get a seemingly uneven application in many Trek episodes; because while there are many situations where interference in other cultures is wrong, that’s not always going to be the case. To my mind, the divide comes in where the motivation to get involved is strictly of a humanitarian nature. The basic point of the Prime Directive seems to be to try and prevent the kind of damage done to indigenous cultures that is caused by outside interference. In other words, the Federation doesn’t want to do to any alien culture what Europeans did to the Americas, Africa and some parts of Asia in our real-life history. This is fine, but saying you don’t help any pre-warp civilisation on any grounds just to avoid that is wrong; you just forbid those specific forms of interference that cause harm and allow the ones that don’t.

It’s also good to have Data be the one who sparks the debate, because his android nature allows him to act with a very child-like innocence that facilitates the situation that arises. Anyone else on the crew would never answer Sarjenka’s transmission; only Data could make that error and land the Enterprise and its crew in such a moral dilemma. It’s also a little reminiscent of how autistic people like myself can get into bad/awkward situations because we don’t fully understand the unwritten rules of a situation until it’s too late.

The B-plot surrounding Wesley’s first taste of command is also not bad; not great, but not bad, and it ends up nicely dove-tailing with the A-plot. It’s concerning that the director of the episode apparently wanted more A-plot to see if Data’s relationship with Sarjenka would progress to Data becoming a threat to others due to his machine nature. Clearly, the idiot doesn’t understand what Data is a character and person first and foremost, not a machine to be pushed off the proverbial deep-end for drama’s sake. You want that, go direct a Terminator film. In Trek, you do character and morality work primarily, and this episode is a good mix of both. It’s not great, but it’s fine as it is. I give the episode 8 out of 10.

Episode 16: Q Who

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

On his way back to his quarters, Captain Picard steps off a turbolift and, instead of finding himself in a corridor onboard the Enterprise, ends up on board a shuttlecraft with Q at the controls. Picard demands to be returned to the Enterprise; Q calls him "an impossibly stubborn human" and refuses to take him back until he agrees to at least hear Q's requests. Q then transports them to Ten Forward, where Guinan, who recognizes Q, warns Picard not to trust him. Q reveals that he wants to join the crew to assist them as they push further into unexplored regions of the galaxy, asserting they are not ready for the threats they will encounter. Picard chooses to make their own way into the unknown, and rejects Q's offer. Irritated by Picard's arrogance, Q instantaneously sends the Enterprise thousands of light years across the galaxy, then disappears. Lt. Commander Data reports that the nearest starbase is over two years away at maximum warp. A fearful Guinan warns Picard to set course for home immediately, but Picard is curious to explore.

The crew discover a nearby planet that shows signs of a previous civilization but has been stripped of all industrial and mechanical elements, similar to destruction found several months ago to Federation outposts bordering the Romulan Neutral Zone. Moments later, they detect and are then met by a large, cube-shaped vessel which does not answer their hails. Guinan warns Picard that the ship belongs to the Borg, a powerful, cyborg-like race that nearly wiped out her people, scattering the survivors across the galaxy, and again urges Picard to leave immediately or face certain destruction. Though Picard orders the Enterprise's shields raised, a single, speechless Borg transports into Engineering and begins to probe the Enterprise's computer systems. Lt. Worf initially attempts to incapacitate the intruder with his phaser set on stun, which has no effect. Worf is forced to use the kill setting in order to neutralize the Borg. Immediately afterwards, a second Borg appears and continues probing the computer, now proving to be completely immune to phaser fire. Completing its mission, it strips several components from the dead Borg, then transports itself and the dead Borg away. The Borg ship contacts the Enterprise and demands their surrender. The Borg then immobilizes the Enterprise with a tractor beam, disables the shields, and uses a cutting beam to slice into the saucer section to remove a cross-section of the ship, killing eighteen people.

Picard orders return fire, and the Enterprise apparently disables the Borg ship. Against Guinan's advice, Commander Riker takes an away team to the immense Borg cube where they find mostly dormant Borg drones and a Borg nursery. Data discovers that the Borg ship is regenerating and repairing the damage made by the Enterprise. The away team is beamed directly to the bridge, and Picard orders that they depart at maximum warp. The Borg ship suddenly reactivates and begins pursuit, gaining on the Enterprise. Q appears on the bridge and warns Picard that the Borg will never stop chasing them, and cannot be defeated. Picard attempts to fight back against the Borg to no avail, and finally admits he needs Q's help. Q obliges, safely returning the Enterprise to its last position in Federation space. Picard, though thankful for Q's lesson, blames Q for the deaths of his crew. Q disappears, but not before reminding them again of their ill-preparedness. Guinan warns Picard that now that the Borg are aware of the Federation's presence, they will be coming. Picard reflects that perhaps Q did the right thing for the wrong reasons by bringing forward their encounter with the Borg, as it has informed the Federation what lies ahead of them as they continue to explore.

Review:

At last, Q returns to plague Picard’s crew again, only this time it’s a totally different situation, because this time, for the first time in at least TNG if not all Trek up to that point, the lead characters don’t really manage to come out with a win of their own. Not only does Q throw them up against TNG-original villains the Borg for the first time, but for once the opposition isn’t sized up and worked out within the first segment or two of the show. This time, Q is proven right about Picard and company being caught unprepared, and only through Picard humbling himself by asking Q’s help does the Enterprise get saved. However, this time there are loses, which makes it one of the first TNG shows to really try and show the idea of lasting consequences.

For me, this is where Trek starts to get good because it shows the human-led Federation starship crews of Trek are not invincible. They are still fallible and can fail, which is important to keep the franchise going over the long term. As I’ve noted in previous reviews, Roddenberry at times seems to have been almost too optimistic about how far humanity might advance in the world of Trek, so anything that brings his utopian vision of the future a bit closer to reality, anything that provides an appropriate counter-weight of realism, I am all for. For me, this episode gets 9 out of 10.

Episode 17: Samaritan Snare

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

Captain Picard refuses to have a medical operation on his artificial heart on board the Enterprise by Dr Pulaski as he is concerned about his image with the crew. He instead heads to a nearby Starbase for the operation, travelling by shuttlecraft. Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher accompanies him, as he is due to undergo his Starfleet Academy entrance exams. Though initially rebuffing Wesley's attempts to make conversation, Picard eventually softens, and talks of his past, including why he has an artificial heart and needs it replacing.

Meanwhile, the Enterprise encounters the Mondor, a Pakled ship. The aliens request help to fix their vessel. Based on the Pakleds' rudimentary communication skills and apparent lack of understanding of the basic operations of their ship, Commander Riker judges them to be inept and harmless, and agrees to send Chief Engineer La Forge to assist them. After boarding the Pakled ship, La Forge repairs the navigational system, when main power fails. On the Enterprise, Counsellor Troi, an empath, warns Riker that La Forge is in danger, but Riker dismisses her concerns. Upon finally completing the repairs, La Forge prepares to leave, but a Pakled incapacitates him with his own phaser, and raises the ship's shields. Lt. Commander Data determines that the Pakleds have acquired advanced technology from other races, and the ship's malfunctions were a ruse. Riker demands they return La Forge, but the Pakleds refuse, and stun him again with his phaser. Riker and Lt. Worf develop a ruse of their own, which they communicate to La Forge in code.

At the Starbase, complications arise during Picard's transplant, and the doctors realize that unless they can locate an expert with the necessary expertise, he will die. As Riker sets up the ruse, Worf receives a message from the Starbase that Picard is close to death. The Pakleds seek to attack the Enterprise, but La Forge convinces the Pakleds to delay firing until a specific range. In response, the Enterprise generates a spectacular but harmless pyrotechnic display, and La Forge simultaneously disables their weapon systems. The Pakleds, convinced they have been defeated, back down and allow La Forge's return and the Enterprise races to the Starbase. Picard is dismayed upon waking up to find that Pulaski has completed his procedure. While Pulaski assures him that she will keep his secret, he returns to the Enterprise's bridge to applause, which he quickly silences.

Review:

As cool as it is to find out Picard used to be a more action-oriented officer in his youth, and paid for it by having to have an artificial heart implanted, the fact is this is some very bad Trek, especially coming on the heels of the previous episode. Picard’s medical procedure goes wrong for no reason, the concerns of Worf and Troi about the Pakleds, who were a truly abysmal guest-race, weren’t given anything like the credence they should have been, and from start to finish it is just highly forgettable filler. 3 out of 10, next episode please.

Episode 18: Up The Long Ladder

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

The Enterprise receives an automated distress call from satellites orbiting a human colony on the planet Bringloid V, which is in danger from solar flares from its star. The colony turns out to have been founded by the crew of the SS Mariposa, a freighter launched from Earth several hundred years earlier. As the Enterprise approaches the planet, Worf appears to faint on the bridge and is transported to sick bay. When he regains consciousness, he is embarrassed to learn he is suffering a Klingon equivalent of measles. Dr Pulaski agrees to protect his privacy. In gratitude, Worf later approaches her to offer a Klingon tea ceremony. He warns that the tea is deadly to humans and explains it is just a gesture which would be important in his culture. Pulaski suggests he is a romantic, and takes an antidote to allow herself to drink the tea with him safely.

The "Bringloidi" colony (after brionglóidí, the Irish word for "dreams"), now led by an Irishman named Danilo O'Dell and his hot-tempered daughter Brenna, are followers of an early 22nd century philosopher who advocated returning to a pre-industrial agrarian lifestyle, and when taken aboard the Enterprise, must quickly adapt to the 24th century technology (this is fostered in part by Riker giving Brenna a tour of the ship, ending by washing her feet and implications of more). When the transfer of the colonists is complete, O'Dell informs Picard of another colony, also planted by the Mariposa. The Enterprise proceeds to the second colony, which has named itself "Mariposa" after their ship, half a light year away. The colony's Prime Minister, Walter Granger, is happy to see the Enterprise and welcomes them to visit, so Commander Riker beams down with Lieutenant Worf and Chief Medical Officer Doctor Pulaski.

The Mariposa colony is strikingly different from the Bringloidi colony, as the Mariposa colonists have kept their advanced technology, and appear refined and cultured in contrast to the Bringloidi's relatively primitive existence. Pulaski quickly ascertains, however, that all of the inhabitants are clones. Granger reveals that their ship crashed while landing, and only five survivors were left to start the colony. As this was insufficient to establish a stable gene pool, and the survivors were all scientists, they turned exclusively to cloning instead, and consequently no longer have any desire for biological reproduction. For almost three centuries, every Mariposan has been a clone derived from one of the five original colonists, and now the colony is in danger of dying out because of replicative fading; each subsequent generation introduces additional minor flaws in the genetic code, which within only a few more generations will make further clones nonviable.

The Mariposans ask the Enterprise crew for samples of their DNA to create new clones. Riker refuses, as he values his uniqueness, and Picard advises the Mariposans that the rest of the crew is likely to feel the same, so the Mariposans decide to kidnap Riker and Pulaski to steal their DNA instead. Upon discovering this, the away team beams directly to the colony's cloning labs, where they are repulsed to find copies of themselves being grown, which Riker destroys. Granger is furious, and appeals to Picard, but Pulaski argues that a new batch of clones will only delay the inevitable. Instead, she advises that they consider partnering with the Bringloidi to create a viable gene pool. Initially, each colony's leader treats the other society with disdain, but they eventually agree to merge their colonies and disparate cultures.

Review:

This episode is a lot of concepts that are good put into a badly executed mess. Apparently, the writer of the original draft of the episode was trying to make a comment on the value of immigrants in a positive way, but as a result of re-writes and budget restrictions, the Bringloidi colonists become a very bad stereotype of Irish people as a whole, and I’m amazed Colm Meaney who played Chief O’Brien on the show actually let himself appear in an episode like this. The episode also drew flak from pro-life advocates because of the scene where Riker destroyed the clones being made without his and Polaski’s consent, as well as lines from Riker about having the right to control his own body.

To me, however, that part of the episode isn’t really about advocating abortion. To me, this is actually a metaphor about rape culture; the way in which Riker and Polaski have their DNA taken from them is violent and aggressive, as rape is. As with rape, the act creates new but fundamentally unwanted life, and as the unwitting progenitors of that news life, Riker and Polaski assert their right to decide if that life should come to term or not. The only thing I’m really annoyed about here is the lack of apparent penalisation against the Mariposians for their actions. Then again, given their somewhat bigoted distaste for the Bringloidi, maybe having to combine the two cultures to save the day is a kind of punishment.

Bottom line, you have to kind of tune out the anti-Irish racism of the episode to hone in what little is good about the episode, namely a good but weak anti-rape, pro-choice plot that also warns against the pitfalls of cloning, and a very short sub-plot around Worf and Polaski where both characters come across quite well. On balance, I give this episode 4 out of 10.

Episode 19: Manhunt

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

The Enterprise is ordered to escort two Antedean ambassadors to an important conference on the planet Pacifica. The Antedeans are transported aboard in a self-induced catatonic state, to reduce the stress they experience from space travel, along with a plentiful food supply for when they awaken in accordance with their custom.

En route, the Enterprise is ordered to rendezvous with a shuttlecraft carrying the Betazoid ambassador Lwaxana Troi, mother of ship's counsellor Deanna Troi, and her mute manservant Mr. Homn. Due to his previous experience with her, Captain Picard does not entirely welcome Lwaxana's presence, as she tends to be overbearing and lack tact, but Starfleet's instructions are that she be afforded full diplomatic courtesy. Lwaxana invites Picard to dinner, and he is surprised to find that rather than the formal diplomatic function for the entire senior staff that he expected, it is a romantic setting for just the two of them. Picard evades her advances, inviting android Lt Commander Data to join them and manipulating him into taking over the conversation with long-winded anecdotes.

Troi explains that her mother has entered "The Phase", a stage in the life of a Betazoid woman when her sex drive drastically increases, and that she is searching for a new husband (having been long-since widowed). Moreover, her telepathy is clouded as a side effect, causing her to misread Picard's thoughts as indicating sexual desire for her. Picard retreats to the Holodeck to hide from her, leaving Commander Riker in charge. Frustrated by Picard's absence, Lwaxana targets Riker instead, and makes a surprise announcement to the bridge crew that they will be married.

The Antedeans have meanwhile revived, and Riker goes to the holodeck to notify Picard. Lwaxana follows, and having determined that Riker is not interested either, switches her attention to a character from Picard's Dixon Hill simulation, who returns her affections. Picard somewhat reluctantly informs her that her new husband-to-be is merely a holographic projection.

When the ship arrives at the conference and collected ambassadors prepare to beam down to the planet, Lwaxana offhandedly informs the crew that the Antedeans are actually assassins. Though they deny this, scans show they are carrying explosives, just as Lwaxana indicated, and they are taken into custody. She remarks that while she did not find a new husband, at least she saved the conference, and as she is beaming away, playfully chastises Picard for having "such naughty thoughts" about her, much to his dismay.

Review:

This episode is another poor one, and all because they brought back the boss’ wife. Yep, the actress playing Lwaxana Troi, Majel Barrett, was married to Gene Roddenberry in real life, and according to Memory Alpha’s notes, accommodating her more into the script meant the original plan to do a more noir-oriented story with Picard on the holodeck as Dixon Hill got relegated to a relatively minor part of the episode. To my mind, this is why they should have picked someone else to play Deanna Troi’s mother; not only would almost any other actress have been far, far less annoying, but that annoyance would not then take up an undue share of the episode because of the inherent nepotism in her being hired.

This again just shows why Roddenberry leaving Trek helped it to improve; just imagine how good an episode this could have been if it hadn’t gone through numerous revisions just to placate his wife. To my mind, if you’re going to make any kind of entertainment that’s good, you check your family connections at the door and do what is best for that entertainment, and anyone who can’t do that doesn’t belong in show business. This episode is testament to that simple and unequivocal reality. I give it only 2 out of 10.

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justanothercinemaniac · 7 years

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Epic Movie (Re)Watch #204 - The Untouchables

Spoilers Below

Have I seen it before: Yes

Did I like it then: Yes.

Do I remember it: Yes.

Did I see it in theaters: No.

Format: Blu-ray

1) Al Capone at the barber.

First of all, this scene establishes Capone’s position in the world of the film. The press treats him as a legitimate businessman despite his immoral standings (he’s a KNOWN bootlegger, he doesn’t even hide it), which means it’s going to be all the more difficult to take him down. He’s totally in control of the scene and the fear we see in the barber’s eyes when he accidentally cuts the mobster shows just how dangerous he really is. It’s a great first taste of the gangster.

2) The second scene - of the shop blowing up and the little girl going up with it - does well to draw in audience sympathy. Despite all his showboating Capone is a monster who kills whoever gets in his way. A bully on the worst scale. He literally murders a little girl as collateral damage because someone doesn’t want to serve alcohol. That’s just fucking evil.

3) As I’ve noticed with many mob movies, The Untouchables has a woman problem. Patricia Clarkson is great but here character is nothing more than the dotting and supportive housewife. Like, there’s no conflict to her AT ALL. Her husband is doing work which puts her and her family at risk but she’s always supportive/understanding. Can’t have the woman questioning her man now can we. It’s kind of annoying. And then the only other two female characters I can even think of - the mother of the murdered girl and the woman at the train station - aren’t even characters really as plot devices. They’re just there to up the stakes for Ness.

3.1) ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? I just googled this shit and for one thing Eliot Ness didn’t have any children during the time this film is set and two HE DIDN’T HAVE A HAPPY MARRIAGE! They ended up getting divorced a few years later IN THE 30s! But the film decided to drop that ripe conflict and interesting character interaction to instead give us a cliché dotting wife trope!?

4) Kevin Costner as Eliot Ness

The best movie heroes don’t see themselves as heroes and aren’t portrayed as invincible/mythological but as just normal people trying to do good. That’s exactly what Ness is here: a good man doing his best. While at the beginning of the movie he’s a bit of a boy scout, it’s his development from that into a man who is willing to go further for a good deed which makes him interesting. This is a guy who pins up a headline of his first really big failure, who is able to remove any sense of ego and pride to ask for help when he needs it. He HATES it when he has to kill people (as seen when he has to shoot one of Capone’s goons in Canada) and just wants to get home at the end of the day. Costner portrays all of these qualities very well, making Ness an honest and down to earth character. Writing a character to be that is one thing, but Costner actually portraying that helps the audience get invested in our protagonist.

5) Sean Connery as Malone.

Connery was won his only Oscar (and it was the only time he was nominated for an Oscar) in this part and you can see why. From his very first scene Malone is striking and memorable, taking complete command of every scene he’s in. Robert DeNiro as Al Capone is a tough guy to go up against, but through Connery’s performance you believe Malone can really help take him down. That’s how strong a performance he gives, being the standout player in an already great cast. And one of the key things about Malone is that he’s not all about bravado. He’s not a trope, but a character. He has fears, insecurities, but he’s able to push past these to do the right thing. This just means Connery’s performance is all the more layered as he plays out Malone’s decisions and conflicts. It’s absolutely great.

6) The church scene.

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I think this scene is largely memorable because of how powerful the cinematography is. It’s a unique visual; the characters are kneeling/in a state of submission but by towering over the camera they’re given power in the shot. But it’s more than just an amazing shot (which that is), the scene also clearly sets up the stakes and goals of these two cops. You clearly understand Ness’ morals and convictions here while Connery’s always amazing performance as Malone really helps to carry the scene.

7) I love the way Malone tests George Stone/Giuseppe Petri (played wonderfully by a young Andy Garcia). He wants a real fighter, someone strong in their convictions, not someone who could easily be pushed over by Capone. So seeing how reacts to blatant racism is very telling of this. Also I just love that THIS is the way Giuseppe (I think I’m going to call him Giuseppe in this post) handles it.

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8) I go to school in Chicago, so I recognize a ton of the bits in the film which were actually shot in the city and I always get a kick out of it. Like, “oh, I walk down that street. Oh, I’ve been there. Cool!”

9) The ease with which the titular Untouchables handles the first liquor raid reminds me of a quote by Edmund Burke: “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” Everyone KNOWS where the liquor is, Capone’s not HIDING, just no one wants to take him one because of his power and because they don’t care. It’s not hard at first, it just gets hard once you actually make a move.

10) The dinner scene.

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I think this is DeNiro at his best in the film. The dinner scene is ripe with tension as soon as Capone picks up a bat. You KNOW what’s going to happen with that bat. He’s Al Capone for pete’s sake! The slow pacing of the scene as well as what is basically a demented version of “duck duck goose” (as Capone makes his way around the table, we’re waiting to see who he’ll wail on with the bat) really ramps up the tension, while the total brutality of the scene’s outcome raises the danger/stakes for our heroes.

11)

Ness [in shock at the suggestion]: “Try [Al Capone] a murderer for not paying his taxes?”

I was originally going to use the “Dramatic Irony” gag from Netflix’s “A Series of Unfortunate Events” but it doesn’t really work in the context so instead:

12) This line always stuck with me.

Canadian Mountie: “And surprise, as you very well know Mr. Ness, is half the battle.”

Ness: “Surprise is half the battle. Many things are half the battle. Losing is half the battle. Let’s think about what is all the battle.”

13) The entire shootout in Canada actually works very well. There’s a grand amount of tension in the scene before anyone even fires a gun, just when we’re waiting in the shack. Then the fact the mounties kinda screw up Ness’ plan creates interesting conflict because anything that can be done to throw off a well thought out plan is interesting. But what works the best is the fact that the ensuing skirmish between Capone’s men and the authorities is just so damn entertaining to watch. The music, the action, all of it makes it feel really heroic honestly. I dig it.

14) I really like Malone’s trick that convinces Capone’s guy to turn on him. It’s really intelligent and the fact that the movie kind of takes it seriously (with the music and the focus on Capone’s living goon) actually makes it pretty funny.

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15) Wallace’s death packs a considerable punch, primarily because he was the best on the team. He was the most honest, the most earnest, just a good man. Even better than Ness you could argue. So the fact that he’s the first to die and in a truly awful way just drums up a lot of sympathy/reaction from the audience.

16) If you want to understand the impact Wallace’s death has on the story, look no further than the following scene. The fact that Eliot just straight up goes to confront Al Capone is A) a powerful choice by the character and B) very telling of his emotional state that he does something so reckless.

17) I love how pissed Malone gets when it seems like they’re done going after Capone. When he’s in, he’s all in. His own personal stakes are so high by now. What would the point be of all of this, of Wallace’s death, if they’re not going to go all the way? This whole moment could really be considered the low point of the film, meaning a big change needs to happen.

18) A lot of my notes lately have been about scene and in some ways how one scene leads to another. The death of Wallace leads to Eliot making a hasty move as well as the crumbling of the investigation. The crumbling of that investigation leads to Malone confronting his police pal about Capone (more on that in a moment) which leads to the next scene which leads to the next scene. The best structure of a film is an invisible one and the organic nature of this plot means just that. It’s pretty great.

19) As I mentioned above, the scene where Malone confronts his cop friend about Capone is really great. Not only is it organically born from what’s happened but it’s pure stakes. If a character - ANY character - can leave the scene without getting what they want and not being totally devastated the stakes are too low. NEITHER character can yield to the other without being totally fucked, to the point where they have a fist fight trying to hold on to their stakes.

20) Malone being stalked by one of Capone’s men in his own apartment is INCREDIBLY effective as a scene of suspense. The use of point of view camera angles in this shot is great. The audience is given the information we don’t think Malone has and we’re worried for him. Much like the shark in Jaws, it seems like he’s about to get jumped on by a bad guy before he turns around with a friggin’ SHOTGUN and utters one of the greatest lines in film history.

Malone: “Brings a knife to a gun fight.”

21) Following this, Malone’s extended death sequence is absolutely gut wrenching and another strong example of Connery’s excellent acting. It speaks once again to stakes. He’s holding on as desperately as he can, as long as he can, until he can tell Ness what he died for in the first place. Until he can do one last thing to help put Capone away. It’s just totally heartbreaking and I love it.

22) The Union Station shootout.

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This is by far the most iconic moment in the film I think. First of all, let me mention two personal things about this scene: I walk those steps REGULARLY and one of my teacher’s at school is a sailor in this scene (I just don’t know which one, I think the left one walking up the stairs).

A perfect example of high stakes from slower tension, not only does the scene take its wonderful time building up to the shootout but the violence itself is also in suspenseful slow motion. The inclusion of the baby buggy not only adds a slight ticking clock element to the pre shootout scene but also a grander scene of immediate stakes as the action unfolds. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THE KID GET HURT! It’s just really freaking great.

23) The final encounter with Ness and the man in white who killed Malone always felt a little extra to me. On the one hand it ties up that loose end and is very entertaining to watch. At this point I’m more interested in what is happening in the court room with Capone though. So…I don’t know. The movie is pretty great so I guess having it in doesn’t hurt it. Also Eliot killing him in basically cold blood shows a lot of development for his character. As does…

24)

Eliot [on how he convinced the judge to change juries]: “I told him his name was in the ledger too.”

Lawyer: “His name wasn’t in the ledger.”

25) And this is a final good note.

Reporter: “They say they’re going to repeal prohibition. What will you do then?”

Eliot: “I think I’ll have a drink.”

Eliot was never fighting for prohibition. He was fighting for the law. He was fighting against a bad man who was killing people and alcohol was a part of that. And I think this last line represents that perfectly.

Despite whatever issues I may have with it’s female representation, The Untouchables is an absolutely excellent film. It is wildly entertaining, able to be fun and dramatic at the same time. And although Sean Connery gives the best performance in the film, he is a part of an ensemble with no weak link in its bunch. From DeNiro to Costner to Garcia, they’re all great in the film. All in all, The Untouchables is just a great movie.

#The Untouchables #Kevin Costner #Sean Connery #Robert De Niro #Andy Garcia #Patricia Clarkson #Facepalm #Jimming the Camera #Epic Movie (Re)Watch #Movie #Film #GIF

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theloniuswomb-blog · 7 years

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Spiderman: Homecoming Can Suck My Fucking Dick.

Holy Shit. Where do I even start with this film? I wanted to like it a lot. I was intrigued by the casting of Tom Holland as Spider Man. He came off well in the Marvel Civil War movie, I remember thinking to myself; “Hey! His part was funny! Just the right amount of awkward, slash, comical that I instantly recognize as Spider Man. Awesome!” Now, I usually have doubts about any superhero adaption since the hit to miss ratio is all over the place, but this I thought could work quite nicely. I saw the trailer, and like the little whore that I am, it got me wet. Wet hot with sexual anticipation. The CGI looked impressive. The action sequences looked crisp and innovative, the tone of the shots were dark and brooding. I expected drama, emotion and a plot-line that, although may not be the most original, could perhaps come through with some good acting and a tight script; with some inspired direction thrown in for good measure. This was the package I was creating for myself in my brain. My golden goose's egg. And, much like Verruca Salt, I made a big song and dance about it to everyone, throwing glitter and sheets of colored plastic all over the room. But also like Verruca Salt, I also got hit with the trap door. A trap door that golden eggs get shat down, and so do we, right along with em; to burn for all eternity while Gene Wilder laughs at our scorched bodies. First off, let's start with the tone of the movie. It doesn't have one. It has no idea what kind of movie it wants to be. It's got this light hearted vibe when Spidey is around that feels completely alien to the murky goings on of the Vulture. You get scenes where Peter Parker is walking through the school, drooling over hot girls in the most forced and gormless way. (SPOILER: Most of the film is of Tom Holland looking gormless at everyone around him.) Juxtaposed with Michael Keaton straight up killing people in the most nonchalant way possible. It's kind of infuriating, it was like there were two movies going on in tandem and neither of them had any particular relevance to the other. I must say, Michael Keaton gave a fairly decent performance, but he could have been used so much better. I saw Birdman recently (something I couldn't ignore as a massive, quite probably intended irony of Keaton's career) and I was impressed. I had problems with that film too (But I'll leave that for another review) but overall the acting was really fucking solid. Like I say, I was impressed. But obviously, good acting doesn't matter anymore for films like this. I honestly thought the newer incarnations of Batman would have taught a lesson to the makers of these kinds of movies. But obviously not. Let's get to Peter. Peter is the most insufferable character ever. He's meant to be very smart, yet doesn't use his brain once. Not only does he not use his brain to problem solve, but he doesn't use it for introspection at all. The amount of times he puts other people's lives at risk in this movie is astounding. If this feature of the plot was used as a tool to move Peter's character forward as he matures into a new and exciting world, I can forgive this whole problem. In fact, that's kind of what I wanted to see. Progression. But it never comes. Spider Man sees bad guys robbing the bank. He attacks, not even stopping when he realizes they have incredibly powerful weapons. He carries on and ends up blowing up a deli over the street of a man that earlier in the movie is established, that he knows. Not once does he show any remorse for this horrible incident. He ruined a man's career, livelihood, and potentially could have killed him if he happened to live above the shop.

In another instance, Parker sees bad guys driving; he attacks them on the highway where loads of other people could die from all the high tech weapons going off at high speeds. He knew the types of weapons they had but did it anyway. He could have followed them to their destination, found out where the base was, who was involved in the organization and work out a plan. He could even find out the buyers if he cased them for a few weeks. But this thought never crosses Peters mind. It's just attack all problems in the face until they die. I mean fuck, this is a whiz kid of physics and science, some of the most logical shit ever. Yet he can't even think up a simple fucking plan to take on his enemies? Honestly, it's so hard to relate to Peter in this movie. You'd have to be some kind of autistic sociopath in order to find him tolerable. After a while Tony Stark comes along. Fuck me, Robert Downey Jr. couldn't give one flying fuck about this movie. And it showed like hell. His whole character in the film was just him playing himself not caring in various tropical places. I honestly believe Tony Stark represented how little of a fuck the writers and director cared about this film. He was a direct mouthpiece for the writers of the movie to say “fuck you” to the audience. Honestly, every time Parker fucked up, Tony would say “Oi, Parker, stop fuckin around!” but never explains why. He never says “Hey, you could have killed people back there! Are you insane?” instead he half asses his reasons and when Parker questions him on it he just says “because I said so.” Like fuck, you'd think after the first time Spidey fucks up, that's the time to sit down and talk. Jesus Christ should you even wait for a first-time-fuck-up in this scenario? Tony Stark, one of the smartest men alive, waits for Spidey to fuck up three times, THREE TIMES, with the third seeing spider man nearly sinking a whole ship of people due to his negligence. Hundreds would have died. It's incredible.

So, Iron Man finally gives some punishment after this. He takes away Parkers new shiny Stark Spidey Suit, to which Parker says “I'm nothing without that suit!” to which Stark replies; “if you're nothing without this suit, you don't deserve it.” or something to that effect. Instead of Peter having a moment of clarity and saying “fuck, people nearly died, I nearly died. Maybe I need to switch up my game and show Iron Man I'm more mature than this. Show I can use some strategy and grow into this role I'm destined to have and finally use my genius brain to devise a plan.” Nope. That's wishful thinking partner and you can get shot around here for that kinda talk. Instead what we get is Parker learning nothing, and him creating some kind of device that allows him to go out and fuck up even faster and directly than before. They use some kind of tracker map to find the Vulture, who is breaking into an airplane full of Stark weapons. An Iron Suit included. Now, what the actual fuck? I don't know if the Vulture knows this, but Iron Man can remotely control his suits. If one were stolen, you can bet your bottom dollar he'd activate it and cane your operation into next week. But the Vulture MUST have known that, since he remotely controlled his own mechanical wings to try and kill Parker earlier in the movie. So what in the actual fuck is this man doing? He's inviting Iron Man into his lair. Willingly. It's the most stupid thing ever. It also gives so little motivation for Parker to do anything about the situation. Once he realizes it's Stark tech, he should have left. Because Parker also knows Iron Man remotely controls his suits, there's a whole scene that points this out near the beginning of the film for fuck's sake. The Vulture would have been a goner immediately upon the knowledge of the hijacking. It's easily the most retarded part of the film. So Spidey decides to go all-in despite knowing Iron Man could easily kill this guy remotely and nearly ends up causing this plane to crash all over the city, no doubt killing thousands of people. In fact, an engine falls out while they're fighting on the plane's wings. Parker shows no regard for that at all. No remorse for the people that no doubt were killed by the falling debris. Fortunately, Spidey manages to use his webs to bend the out-of-control plane wing and steer them to safety. (Well, he crashes the plane into a sandbank.) He takes down the Vulture and leaves him tangled at the scene old school Spidey style, with a note to boot. Wow. How amazing. And he did it all without his shiny suit! He overcame so many obstacles and shortcomings, we really went on a journey there with old Petey boy there. Oh wait, that was the film I was daydreaming about while I was being shat on by this movie. Upon Stark learning of this situation, he instantly has Spider Man brought to the new headquarters of the Avengers, where he was about to announce Spider Man as a new, key member, along with an even better shiny suit. Like, what? Seriously? This kid needs a dressing down, not a new three piece. But it doesn't come. All we get is Parker declining the offer, you get a mild sense that he realizes that he's in over his head, and maybe this is all a bit much for him. But it's not really expressed very well. It all feels so odd and disjointed. I mean here we have Iron Man, the guy who cared about people dying from collateral damage in Civil War; who hunted down the Winter Soldier because he was a danger to the public, (who also for some reason killed Tony's parents,) caused a rift with the current most powerful heroes and his teammates, as he also wanted them to register their identities to an official data base to help reign them in and hold them accountable. Yet for some reason Tony couldn't give the time of day to say “Hey kid, tone it down you're getting crazy out there.” I'll stop ragging on the film soon, but before I do, I want to mention the love interest. This was one of the most wooden romances I've ever seen. No chemistry. She was called Lizzy. It turns out Mary Jane is the other sarcastic girl who makes the closest things to jokes in the movie. Which I liked, but they didn't do nearly enough with. Again, there was an opportunity for him to grow with this character, have his attention turned to MJ, have him realize this Lizzy girl was a bit vacuous and boring, while this other girl was interesting and fun. But again it didn't happen. Instead, Lizzy moves away because of plot reasons that I won't give away, and MJ is merely hinted at as the new romance for the next film. Which is fucking boring. Honestly, it's so dull. I hated all the romance scenes. I wanted to like them, I mean shit, the girl was so hot. They even get an ass shot of her in her bikini. I was like “wow these are meant to be 15-year-old kids, what are they thinking? Isn’t this inappropriate for a kids movie?” (They are not 15-year-old kids, just to clarify. But for the plot, they were). They could have used this screen time to have Peter reflecting on his Uncle Ben, or bonding with his Aunty. Who, in my opinion, should have been told about the Spider Man thing. I think her knowing earlier in the film would have been a good dynamic to use. He should have told her right away after his first fuck up. I know it might deviate from traditional Spider Man lore, but as a film, it would've been a much more interesting watch. Aunt May is such a central figure to the Spider Man universe, as is the Uncle Ben storyline, but neither are given any sort of focus. Overall this film is garbage. In true Warski style, it was Garbage. Full on trash. I hated Guardians of the Galaxy less, and that's saying something. That is really saying something. Because that movie was awful. For Spider Man I have to say: the overall plot was good, but there were so many missed opportunities that it became more like a midlife crisis by the end. The choices to make for this story seemed so obvious, it was almost like they were purposefully not taking the logical steps in the narrative in order to make this movie as painful as possible. (Because the razor wire they'd jammed way up in your ass, to the tune of £13.50 for 3D, just wasn't quite painful enough.) Fuck this movie, nobody should see it, I hope it fucking bombs in the box office. Which it won't because, like the little whores that we are, we're all just gonna fan-boy for Spidey like we always do. I honestly regret spending money on this. Don't even buy the DVD, it's not worth it.

Before I go I need to mention something else; humor. Peter was not funny. He had moments of fun, sure. But he was not funny. Peter Parker is witty. He is known for wit, not fun. Again, this could have been used as a plot device to show his coping mechanism for dealing with such raw shit all the time. He exudes wit and comedy in the face of danger, then behind closed doors doubts himself. Like fuck, is a 15-16 year old really meant to be doing this shit? Getting involved in weapon trafficking and the criminal world after his Uncle Ben being shot and killed? As an aside, thank god they didn't make us re-live Uncle Ben's death. I was glad they kept that as a past event that we didn't need to see. One of the few good touches of the film. You could say it was like wiping just a bit of shit off your arse with your finger. There's not quite as much shit there anymore, but now it's on your finger, so. There you go. So, what's my ultra biased and not subjective at all, star rating for this film? 1.5 out of 5. Some action was good, the 3D sucked, the acting sucked, the writing sucked, the CGI was good, Michael Keaton was good, everyone else didn't give a shit and ultimately it showed. Don't see this film. Boycott it harder than Isreal.

#spider man #spider-man: homecoming #dog shit

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wyatp-blog · 7 years

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Rachel’s Season - Week 1

So, it’s been about a year since I wrote my first Bachelorette recap. OF COURSE, I watched Nick Vial’s season of the Bachelor, I even participated in two fantasy leagues; but alas I didn’t win either, so I will stick to making fun of these dummies rather than betting on them. I’m going to do my best to recap whenever I have time, but a lot has happened in a year and I’ve gone from full time student to full time writer, so no guarantees I’ll make the deadline every week. All that being said, LET’S BEGIN!

Monday night we were introduced to the 30 (45? 50?? I can’t count that high) dudes who will be vying for literal Disney princess Rachel Lindsay’s hand in marriage. And perhaps more importantly an invitation to Bachelor in Paradise, aka the opportunity of a lifetime to date Corinne. But I digress, this is still about Rachel…for the time being.

RECAP AND REINTRODUCTION TO RACHEL

Chris Harrison

“Over the years we’ve seen a lot of bachelors and bachelorettes come and go, but never have we seen the outpouring of support that we have for Rachel.”

Very convoluted version of ‘We’ve never had a black bachelorette before.’ Congrats on your “progressiveness” ABC, it only took you 52 seasons.

Rachel

“I seriously keep waiting for someone to say ‘Just Kidding.’”

OH! you mean like they did to Luke Pell???

How have I never realized that Rachel is literally Elle Woods of Legally blonde??

Old Lady to Rachel

“And don’t sleep with all of them.”

Excuse me ma’am but the #BachelorNation correct terminology would be ‘Don’t let all of them into your fantasy suite.’ JEEEEZE, there are children watching.

WE MEET THE GUYS

Kenny, 35, Las Vegas NV, Professional Wrestler This guy dancing what I’m pretty sure is ‘JuJu on that Beat’ with his daughter to the dubbed over tune of royalty-free romantic Bachelorette music is actually pretty adorable.

Kenny

“I’ve been around a lot of rings, maybe the next ring that I touch will be the one I give to you Rachel.”

Yeah, either that or ringworm…

Jack Stone, 31, Dallas TX, Attorney Wait. Hold up. This guy gets a first AND last name??? What happened to the one letter abbreviation format like Ashleigh I. or Melody D.?! Full disclosure, I made that second one up but it still begs the question does this guy have two first names?? Is one of those first names Stone?? Will my question mark key ever get a break this season???? Stay tuned to find out.

Lucas, 30, Woodside CA, Whaboom AKA Whaboom. I already hate everything about this guy. We are not here for slapstick humor!! We are here to satirically mock our deep-seeded belief in love at first site. This dude is Johnny Bravo and Peter Griffin rolled into one and I’m simply not having it. Plus I inherently mistrust anyone with a personal catchphrase. (A few exceptions stand #Whabalubadubdub)

Blake E., 31, Marina Del Rey CA, Aspiring Drummer GET SWOL BRO! This guy knows that girls have an algorithm that inversely applies how much you talk about your dick to perceived size, right?? TL;DR this guy talks about his dick too much to have a decently sized one.

Diggy, 31, Chicago IL, Senior Inventory Analyst My mom once told me never date a guy who cares too much about what he looks like because he’ll worry too much about what you look like. But I might be willing to forgive Diggy on that front because, I mean, have you looked at him?!

Josiah, 28, Fort Lauderdale FL, Prosecuting Attorney Damn. Is anyone else kind of impressed how many lawyers ABC was able to pull out of the woodwork for Rachel? There might be some actually datable bachelors on this season… On the same note, this dude’s background is the closest thing to a legitimate Lifetime movie plot the show has ever found, which we all know is ABC’s golden goose. I’m now accepting over/under bets for if he becomes the next bachelor.

MEETUP WITH RACHEL’S ‘SQUAD’

So I guess Sugar Bear Hair spokesman-ship isn’t as lucrative as we once thought… Literally everyone is back from Nick’s season to regurgitate Bachelor buzzwords, oh excuse me, I mean give advice to Rachel.

I’m sorry is Raven getting emotional or is she blazed out of her mind? She looks like me in high school when I’d come home late at night from a “bonfire” trying to have a conversation with my mom who was up late watching TV.

THE GUYS MEET RACHEL

I know I’m not the first to say this, but holy hell Rachel is incredibly gorgeous. That. Dress. Is. Everything.

I watched this with my best friend Emily, and let me tell you, when Bryan came on neither of us could contain ourselves. I guarantee that he is the contestant that in three weeks all the other guys will be saying “he isn’t who he says he is.” But really, it’s because they’re jealous. Who could blame them? I have shivers just watching him, and by the looks of it so does Rachel.

Random dude whose name I won’t bother learning

“She’s wicked hot, and smart too. You don’t really see that combo.”

I guess good-looking and respectful of women is equally rare? Guarantee this idiot will utter the phrase “you’re not like other girls” at some point during the season.

Jonathon thinks the best way to make a woman (WITH A LAW DEGREE!!!) laugh is to physically force her. To be clear gentlemen, when a woman says she wants ‘a man that makes her laugh’ she means with his words.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Rachel

“Let’s hold up a glass and cheers to ‘No Regrets.’ Bottoms up!”

Whaboom:

I love how angry the contestants get whenever the first person grabs the bachelor/bachelorette. They always act like it’s an act of aggression, and the only reason that I can think of why they would feel that way is because they’re all so attractive they’re used to people coming up to them first. They can’t comprehend actually showing initiative. LOL

Direct quote from my bae Emily “If I went out on a first date and someone asked me ‘what does love mean to you’ I would pull out my pepper spray.” #MillenialDating #SwipeRightYall

I’m probably the only one, but this creepy doll shtick is the funniest thing the Bachelor/Bachelorette has ever done.

Bryan gets the first impression rose, because what did I fucking tell you guys??? He’s so suave. He looks and acts like the charming prince from a Disney movie who turns out to be the villain halfway through. And everybody loves a bad boy.

ROSE CEREMONY AND PREDICTIONS

Bryan is the obvious choice to make it to the final three, if not the first few dates, and I stand by that. Whaboom will definitely stay longer than we all want him to, if anyone has deets on the contract he must have signed with the producers, hit me up. And of course Josiah has to stick around long enough for Rachel to get his full backstory and for us to get to see her reaction. Other than that, it’s anyone’s race.

It’s been fun you guys! Hopefully I get to write more of these as the season goes on, but if I don’t I promise you I’m watching so feel free to text me for more #SickBurns.

#the bachlorette #the bachelor #satire #gaston #no ragrets #joke #tv reviews #tv recaps #abc #whaboom #final rose #bachelor in paradise #team corn #advertising

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