#i wasnt sleeping well early in the week which really fucked me up

[toastsnaffler]

my flatmate asking me the day before "do u want to hang out w me and [old friend] everyone else cancelled so I can invite u now" is not the heartfelt offer she thinks it is :^/

#what am i sloppy seconds. fuck off man #i like them both but im not in the place to socialise rn + also it just feels kinda mean. theyve had these plans for weeks #and i wasnt invited bc some of their other friends (who ive never met) didnt want me there which is fair enough ig #even tho their friends complained abt someone else bringing her bf but they both blocked the veto for that. pretty sure ik them- #better than some guy but whatever. i dont rly like their friends anyway bc they only ever have bad things to say abt them #like damn they sound like they have the emotional range of toddlers plus theyre all into shit like genshin. so i wasnt fazed abt it #hope they have a nice time etc but wow sure now theyve cancelled the day before u can invite me as a replacement. yeah thatll do wonders #for the social and self esteem issues i have around being single use and disposable and always on the outside etc yippee #the thing is if i go theyll just talk to each other anyway and leave me to be the fly on the wall like they always do. they dont want #me there they just want an audience i literally have nothing else to contribute i dont think they even like me that much so! #anyway complaint over. genuinely i hope they have a nice time im just annoyed at being treated like that + probably projecting a bit too #its not like i could go if i wanted to anyway bc i have shit to sort out + mail to wait for. maybe next time invite me from the start huh #we had another old friend visit last weekend but those plans were really made without me too and i was just added bc i Live Here so its #kind of unavoidable. but oh well whatever it was nice to see them either way #im too depressed rn to fix my social life or even rely on existing coping strategies in social situations so im having to temporarily #cut it back bc i get too trigger sensitive + dont want to hurt myself or others bc of an arbitrary emotional overreaction #its usually one of the first things to go when im Going Thru It not in a self isolating way but more bc its one of the hardest things #for me to maintain + im pretty self sufficient so its not absolutely crucial. like of course i love my friends but socialising is a #want not a need yknow. eating/sleeping/exercising/hygiene are all more fundamental parts of the engine so i gotta prioritise them #and it sucks but ill survive. anyway sorry for venting on everyones dash so early in the morning i woke up grumpy 👎 #i need to get breakfast and then go out. ughhhhhhh okay. #.vent

[onthejadedjournal]

update

after i broke down school (the day of the deadline) because of how anxious i was about this whole ordeal - my best friend immediately tried to figure a way around the issue and told me he'll try to coax the teacher into listening to him which was so daring because that teacher is very true to her words and she had really high standards for all of us

it was so hard to talk that day. my head hung so low and i couldn't even hear the lessons because of how mentally distraught i was that day - i had to use my notebook to talk to him because if i talked, i know my sobs and hiccups will be heard and i hate attracting attention. he immediately noticed how distant i acted and it i quickly clicked back to the comic i made back then and. idk. I'm just surprised how accurate that was. i dunno. self projection works ig

either way. at the end of the day - my teacher acknowledged the concern and extended it up to sunday this week

i'm happy but i'm still really. not happy. happy because im given one more chance to work on it but unhappy because - i feel that this could've been worked out much better. or better yet. not a fucking animation

and. im also pissed. really pissed

the trailer wasn't mandatory.

the trailer wasn't mandatory.

i could've been. working on the story a week before if it werent for the fucking trailer

but. i cant even be too mad about it because at at least the trailer gave me insight on how i feel about animation?

well for one. im not taking the multimedia art course anymore in college. eye opening moment for me

and two - thanks to many people telling me this; you don't have to make it high effort just to please everyone. its okay to dumb it down because an artist's eyes isnt the same as a normal one. another eye opening moment to me

and i guess the trailer was only good for getting everyone to buy our movie tickets. idk

but. the trailer wasnt mandatory. i just learned that and i was really upset.

again. should i be mad or not? I don't know but it just happens. its a double edged sword

another thing that really made me angry was how everyone thinks this is going to be a walk in the park for me. its not. it's not. "she'll do okay because she can draw" "we're going to win some awards thanks to her" god i wish i never heard those i don't even know the first thing about animation im just really lucky to have nicole help me as she's a genuine aspiring animator.

either way im just so ready to forget all of this when im done. i don't want to share this project to friends because i'm more or less traumatized mentally and physically about this and I don't want to recall it again and i'm dead serious about it.

it also doesnt help that i keep getting called a slacker at home for not doing the animation. if only you understand what im feeling. did you not take the hint when i slept early twice? yeah. yeah maybe you should get it next time. just got told that while i was typing this . hahhah

i've lost my energy to be happy and even to selfship (but with one exception i guess) because the last 2 days i just find myself crying to sleep over how angry i am and it sucks because i cant catch up to what my friends are doing and I don't want to be the lump of coal that opposes their energy everytime i come to them which is why i'm just here to rot and complain about it. i know they're willing to be there to help me destress. i know they're worried about me. but i have to consider the external factors (which is. being accused of being a slacker when im in need of comfort from my friends). if i was the only person in the house then i would've done it in a heartbeat

i don't sound the same right now and it all culminates to this. it's almost a month and this is eating me alive consistently to no end. i get bursts of joy here and there but it doesn't outweigh how tired i am

but thankfully i'm given another chance to work on it so.

now im just praying i can make it. im praying

and leave this fucking school soon

#i got home from school for our graduation pictorials #supposed to finish at 2 #finished at 5 #so much time wasted again #sorry I don't have much good things to say

[souryogurt64]

very possible i made this up but i think you talked a while ago about pete alluding to some kind of trauma and i was wondering what you were referring to?

yeah hes alluded to it before

he alluded to a PTSD diagnosis in a journal entry from 2006.

Saturday, January 14th, 2006 4:14 pm

"noones ever been this good for this long" this is everything i am thinking right now with out transition. i apologize for my brains lack of linear thought processing: i hate the way it gets dark so early here this time of year. i guess "seasonal depression" kind of falls under "ADD" and "post tramatic whatever disorder" for me. i feel like its science from the madhatter down the rabbit hole. not too real. but lately i just wake up blue — my only thought is— how soon will the day be over so i can get back into bed. i open my eyes just a tiny bit and blur the numbers on the clock with my eyelashes....."

their 2007 rolling stone story touched on and alluded to trauma as well

Wentz, the child of a law-school professor dad and a private-school admissions-dean mom, had always presented his childhood as idyllic and uneventful. When pressed, he touches on a couple of traumatic events......

first, it lists a "trivial" one-- his parents separating and quotes him on saying, "I don’t really think of myself in terms of really having a fucked-up childhood – everyone I know had a more fucked-up one.”

Wentz, who’s wearing a brown-and-black vintage hoodie and untapered, regular-guy Diesel jeans, nervously slides the battery cover of the TV remote control and moves on to a later trauma: “When I was fourteen, I got sent to boot camp,” he says, gazing at the ceiling. He had been skipping school regularly in his freshman year, and a guidance counselor persuaded his parents to send him to a tough-love, scared-straight sleep-away program. For eight long weeks. “It was terrible,” Wentz says softly. “Every kid there was so much more fucked up than me – demented, satanic kids. I got beat up a couple of times. I’d call my parents every day, crying and saying I wanted to come home. I would beg. I felt isolated. It created these dependency and attachment issues.”

And then you ended up living at home . . . Wentz nods. “Until age twenty-seven. Yeah. Even now I need maternal people in my life more than anything,” he says. He traces many of his emotional problems – and his artistic drive – back to the boot-camp experience. “That was the point I stopped talking to anybody. I really haven’t since then. I don’t talk to people about my emotions – it’s not pleasant to be in a relationship with someone who’s robotic like that. And if I don’t get the emotions out somehow, whether it’s punching things or writing, I would probably explode.”

he talks about it again on howard stern "I went to this bootcamp for awhile which wasn't a whole lot of fun in Wolfsborough, New Hampshire. I was recommended to go there by a therapist and it was pretty much hell on earth, it was the worst thing. I was a goofy kid, who was kind of weird, but I was there with these kids like Michael Meyers from Halloween....[My parents] thought it would get on schedule and get me figured out and all it did was make me angrier at them.... I probably was the problem, honestly.... I think that I have a strange brain chemistry...."

petes dad also went on a podcast and it was briefly touched on it, he basically just said he and petes mom seriously regretted sending him and they regretted not really listening to him saying he needed to come home.

pete told this story about how he took acid and mdma at the same time when he was 13-14, which may have predated the camp, which he said was 14-15, and also said he had bars on his windows by age 13, so i think it is obvious he had like something not great going on upstairs even before the camp. he has also said he wasnt that bad of a kid and was never into drugs and it was just skipping school and smoking cigarettes and graffiti. he is like A Teller Of Tales so who knows when he is stretching the truth to make himself sound slightly more badass or normie when the situation suits him.

[lasttree-garsennon]

I posted 3,979 times in 2022

That's 3,630 more posts than 2021!

144 posts created (4%)

3,835 posts reblogged (96%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@parsnipt

@injuries-in-dust

@nitewrighter

@mujhe-rone-do

@a-really-hot-caterpillar

I tagged 405 of my posts in 2022

#oldie answers - 64 posts

#me - 22 posts

#me and who? - 11 posts

#struggles of oldie - 9 posts

#protect psy - 7 posts

#same - 6 posts

#purple my beloved - 6 posts

#protect sana - 4 posts

#the machine uprising - 4 posts

#good - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 123 characters

#uh no you can't you can get one for a bike that doesn't have gears but not for a car unless they recently changed the rules

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Orange

I want to get to know you too

26 notes - Posted November 20, 2022

#4

@mujhe-rone-do what THE FUCK are you doing up

29 notes - Posted December 3, 2022

#3

okay so like

first tehre was a lot of confusion abt which subjects we had

then somehow out of three two subjects students already got fixed and locked

so when the third subject teacher asked who wanted to do this one day before the festive vacation i raised my hand

and she picked everyone except for me and one other girl

she picked the girl sitting DIRECTLY NEXT TO ME and not me

nd im very good at SST btw i love social science and i get good grades in that out of 20 i got 19.5 last time so im validated too

and

i was like what no i am gonna do this

so i approached her and said "hi helo i wanna do this" and shes like "we have like 7 ppl already..." but i insisted so shes like "okay ill keep you as an extra" and drew a line under my name and put my name along with the other girl whom she had not picked lets call her s

so

then

she forgot (??) to put me in the gc in which they were discussing it

but she put s

lmao

and it was the vacaction and i dont have my own phone nor the teachers contact info

so i just. didnt know till after the holidays upon which i appraoched her and asked why i wasnt there and shes like oH oOPs or whatever and tells me i can help out if they need anything

so i went there but the kids just basically made me gvethem my statinary and then treated it like trash

and then disrespected me (whole diff incident) upon which i got mad and called a kid who had been dismissing me very much a problem and then i felt bad cuz i usually dont do shit like that like i just

dont say mean stuff back

but i did

anyway so

none of the kids, all of whom were in my class, reminded her i was supposed to be there too

idk if they forgot or what but s was literally next to me she knew she approached the teacher at the same time as me

so like. wow. after all my effort, after almost dying with the sleep deprivation and work load im just. forgettable. lmao

Do no harm but take no shit it's good you said some mean stuff to them and your teachers an idiot

Also you're not forgettable not to me

31 notes - Posted November 12, 2022

#2

ahhghgdhgaha i very tired today but i lots of tasks to finish

ill just tell you what i have to do and then update you with how many i finished if thats okay; if it's not just ignore this ask

finish textbook russian revolution

friend 1's early christmas present readied

friend 2's ''

finish cover 1 of TMOD

finish chem homework

english entrepreneur assignment

of this i have done eactly one aka chem homework i got other tasks done which i didnt write down tho

It's okay if you only manage to finish Chen homework today I'm proud of you

63 notes - Posted November 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

HELO HELO how does one flirt with a cis boy

in theory i know how and usually i can but i have exactly 1.5 weeks to make this work and i need it to go well and hes a hyperactive adhd as FUCK bitch like me so we bOTH KEEP GETTING DISTRACTED AND LOW KEY AWKWAR CUZ WE DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

HELP PLEASE HSKHDKS

Sorry kid you came to the wrong place

I know exactly nothing about flirting

Let alone het flirting

129 notes - Posted December 3, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

[daydream-believin]

What About the Smaller Picture (3)

Summary: Merlin knows best. And what he feels is best for you and Douxie right now is to sit around and wait for him to come back from New Jersey, Merlin-knows-when. (3) You’ve adjusted to Arcadian life pretty well. (1) or (4)

Warnings: Swearing, sleep problems?

Word count: 2474

A/n:  sorry this wasnt out sooner I’ve had a week

The curtains were blue. They had a little pattern of navy and white flowers and curvy lines like pottery painted with indigo. You had moved one of Doux’s bookshelves to be the second wall to allow the curtain rod to even be in place. This layout effectively created a nook of sorts around your little bed. To be frank the curtains weren’t absolutely necessary. The space kinda gave you university dorm vibes with the two twin beds across from each other. But there was no way you were letting this guy you barely knew watch you sleep. Even if you were good friends, you wouldn’t let him watch you sleep. That kind of vulnerability was special, reserved for only those closest to you.

Speaking of closeness, Douxie had been very adamant about you not calling him by his full name anymore. Made him feel like you were reprimanding him, he said. You could relate to the feeling, and so you were now being careful to replace all ‘Hisirdoux’s with ‘Douxie’s in your head. Or at least a ‘Doux’. Not ‘Babe’. Who told you that. You definitely never referred to him as Babe in your mind. Nope. That Is Not Something Friends Do.

“And,” Douxie rubbed the back of his neck, “Normally when people call me Hisirdoux nowadays it’s because they want to kill me. Only strangers and enemies call me that. Or Zoe when she’s pissed. So yeah, just Douxie is fine.”

“Just Douxie?”

He chuckled, “Yeah.” You looked up at him with a smile.

“Douxie.” He flushed, nodding. “Well, Douxie, what do you want for dinner tonight.”

That little nook you’d built hadn’t stopped Douxie from trying to talk to you all night, however. You’d think the curtains would be a clear message of don’t talk to me I want to be left alone but Doux hadn’t really taken that hint. You tried your best to brush him off the first few nights, even pretending to fall asleep. It didn’t stop him. By the fourth night you spent in Arcadia, you gave in. You had trouble sleeping anyways, as it was apparent so did your roommate, so might as well indulge him. It’s not like ignoring him did any good. Instead of staring at a blue-light screen that messed with your circadian rhythm, you talked about nonsense with Doux. And it was good nonsense. He was way too funny. Or maybe it’s that thing where if you’re into someone then everything they say is hilarious. You’ll never know. But it was nice, either way.

The funny thing was that not only did you actually start to like this, but now it was becoming hard to sleep without it. He helped. Your whole life you stayed up late, and then tossed and turned all night anyways. Now your bedtime routine was talk to Douxie for a few hours, slowly falling asleep, and then you’d sleep the whole night through like a baby. No more restlessness. No more waking up over and over again. Even if you did, you could just listen to him snore for a bit and fall right back to sleep. You guessed it was the feeling of safety he provided. Like someone was watching over you, even when you were at your most vulnerable. You’d never really had that luxury before.

 You had started noticing the trouble coming back when he would stay out late sometimes. And Douxie was gone one night and you suddenly couldn’t sleep at all. This was bad. A problem, if you will. But no matter. There were more pressing things to worry about.

Like the fact that all week, Douxie had been hinting that he had something you two were going to do soon. He would not tell you what it was. In fact he was taking quite a bit of joy in dangling this “surprise” in front of your face but not telling you anything about it. It was driving you a little crazy. You hoped what he had planned was nothing too wild, though. It’s not that you weren’t down, you were just tired. But you could use a little shaking up. This bookshop existence was boring. You weren’t boring. You had enough crazy stories to last an immortal lifetime from growing up in New Jersey. Not just modern-day Urban New Jersey. Early colonial Quaker-dominated New Jersey was wild too. Especially as one of those infamous New England witches. Maybe Douxie was taking you on some magic errand. That would be great, you were dying to do something actually in your job description ever since you got here. Not that working in the bookshop wasn’t nice, it just wasn’t magic. You were craving magic.

But alas, as the sun was setting and the last patrons left the store, life moved on as mundanely usual. You flipped over the sign, scratched a sunbeam bathing Archie behind the ears, and started the process of re-shelving all the damn books that customers left strown about. The sunset turned the bookshop pink. There were fewer cars rushing by. Now that there were no customers, it was very peaceful. Just you, Archie’s snoring, and the soft lute music playing. The music was lute covers of popular songs, and at this point you were pretty sure it was Douxie himself who recorded this shit.

Speaking of Douxie, you hadn’t seen him all day. It had made working the bookshop extra extra boring. Like if he wanted you to be free labor, he could at least give you the decency of his lovely presence. But no, it was just you, all day long. All by your lonesome, with nary a cute theater-kid adjacent wizard to keep you entertained with his company. It was a travesty really. But anyways, where was he. Better not be having fun without you.

You like to think your thoughts summoned him. He came in through the back door, panting, disheveled. Singed? He frantically looked out the door’s window into the alleyway from which he had just came from, looking for something. Whatever it was, he must have seen it, since he looked panic-stricken. In a painfully obvious attempt to swallow the fear, he turned to you, trying his best to sound nonchalant.

“SO. You know that thing? The surprise? Well. It is here a little sooner than I expected it to bE—” A loud crashing noise came from the alleyway. “Oh, fuzzbuckets.”

You dropped the book in your hand. “WHAT DID YOU DO.”

There was another very loud crash, this time closer. Douxie glanced back for less than a moment before rushing over to you, taking you hand.

“I’ll just have to tell you on the way love, come on!”

You two fled out the front door of the shop like your tails were on fire. Speaking of tails on fire, once you rounded the shop to the alleyway, you found out just what Douxie had been running from that was making such loud noises. Hellheetis. Five large hellheetis. Blazing bright in the Arcadian dusk. How the neighbors haven’t already called the cops or the fire department was a mystery. The large lion-like creatures growled, stalking down the alley. It was only a matter of seconds before they smelled and or spotted you and went back into the chase. You had to make a plan and fast. Distracting you from your thoughts, Douxie nervously laughed beside you.

“hehe, uh, could you believe there was only one of these at the start?”

You slowly turned to the wizard, “Did you,, hit them, Hisirdoux?” You could call him that now because you were in fact pissed off at the moment.

“Only twice.”

“Only twice… Okay”

“I may not be the best at monster identification. Or remembering which tactic to use for which.”

“I can see that.” You tried to keep your voice as calm as you could, which got a little easier to do as the hellheetis turned down a different alleyway, putting some more distance between them and you. They were still searching though, that was apparent. Thankfully the stench of the alley trash was keeping you covered.

“Believe me, Archie gets onto me about this all the time.”

“It’s okay… just. I think I have a plan. But one of us has to be bait. And it’s going to be you.”

“That’s fair.”

You sprinted up the stairs of the bookstore and up through the ceiling hatch onto the rooftop. You first instinct was to get them to the center of the square, where you could use the fountain as a water source. The alley they had started going down opened up to the square anyhow. It would have been a straight shot. But dear Mr. Casperan made a fuss about that being too out in the open or whatever.

Next solution. The bookstore’s rooftop had a facet, Douxie told you. You’d like to imagine it was put there so some nice old lady could have had a sweet rooftop garden without too much hassle. Maybe you should start a sweet rooftop garden. You and Douxie could have a little oasis in the city up here. You could grow veggies and flowers for your table. Maybe make a cute little picnic area. Stargaze at night. The facet. You quickly found it and made work of turning it on. Or at least you tried your best. You could hear roaring, getting louder, getting closer. The scary growls and roars were punctuated by Douxie’s frantic footsteps, grunts, and gasps. Please don’t get eaten, Douxie.

The facet was so rusty, it took all of your strength to get it to budge. And then nothing came out really, the hose attached to it lifeless without so much as a trickle. You tried to unscrew it from the facet to see if there was a problem and the metal part of the hose disintegrated in your hand. Okay. No water was in fact coming out of that facet.

Imaginary sirens rang in your ears. You had to get water, fast, or your partner was gonna be kit & kadouxle. Hellheeti chow. Growl mix. Douxies. Fiery feast. The big cats were gonna eat him okay. After managing to get the facet turned as fast as you could, fueled on pure adrenaline, and still getting little to no water, you made a judgement call of fuck that. Magic time. To be completely frank here that should have been what you had done in the fucking first place, but hey, fear dulls the mind.

Gathering up as much water as you could, like, metaphorically feel in the pipe, you pulled that shit out with all your might. Aaaannddd because of this you may have not actually remembered that you would need to catch said water in order to, you know, use it. Instead of a nice bubble to be used at your discretion, a magic roof-water tidal wave washed over you and over the side of the building into the alley below. Thank your lucky fucking stars that Douxie just so happened to have gotten the fire felines to the right spot in time. The uncontrollable rain rushed down, dissipating the hellheetis, soaking Douxie darling, and flooding not only your alley but all the alleys connected to it. Holy shit, stop it! STOP IT! It took a second, but you did finally get the river to stop pouring out of your rooftop. Fingers crossed there were no basement windows open and all your neighbors had flood insurance. And that no one saw. Can’t be connected to you if no one saw right. Shhhhhh.

You peered over the ledge to see if Douxie was alright down below. He looked like a cat caught in the rain himself. You probably did too. Douxie’s soaked bangs covered his eyes. Nevertheless, he was able to see you up on the ledge and gave you a thumbs up. You awkwardly returned it.

Toweling off your hair, and now in nice dry pajamas, you walked out of the bathroom to join Douxie on the couch. His own hair towel hung around his shoulders. You took a moment to enjoy how cute he looked all ready for bed, cozy in the blankets on the couch. And that semi-wet hair was looking pretty nice too. You only allowed yourself to linger on this for that moment however, as you remembered you were supposed to be mad at him right now. You crossed your arms as you approached the wizard.

“SO, dearest Hisirdoux, may I have the decency of getting to ask the question, WHY.”

“Funny story really.”

“Really?” You raised a brow

“Really.”

Douxie fidgeted with his hands. You watched this little nervous gesture intently as you sat down next to him. He took a deep breath before beginning,

“First thing. You’ve been here for some time now, and I thought it was enough time for me to start sharing my little, er, excursions with you,” Douxie’s face flushed a little, “I like monster hunting, and now that I know that I like you, I thought I’d like it more if I brought you along with me?”

Your face was flushed a little too now. “Hey, stop it, I need to be mad at you.” Yeah well the smile you wore gave up any pretense of that. Sorry.

“I didn’t know how familiar you were with monsters or how skilled at fighting you were, so I decided to go get some test monsters from Mervin the Monster Dealer, just to make sure our first time would be safe. FIRST TIME MONSTER HUNTING TOGETHER.”

You stifled a chuckle. “And you didn’t just ask me?”

“It was supposed to be a cool surprise okay.” He buried his face in his hands.

“… Hellheetis?” Safe monster your ass.

“Yes, I mean no, I- Mervin sold me the wrong thing alright. I thought I was buying those cute little fire sprite things you can easily just put out with your boot.”

This time you did not hold back that laughter. And you laughed, and Douxie laughed, and soon both of you were uncontrollably cackling until you were out of breath. Archie came in to see what the commotion was about and then promptly turned back around to go back to his spot in the window. You clutched your chest, still cracking up despite the lack of oxygen. Douxie wiped some tears from his eyes you were sure hoping were just from laughing too hard. You rubbed a hand on his back.

“So, I think I’ve had enough excitement for one day. How bout movie night?”

Douxie’s tired eyes smiled at you, “Yeah, I think that would be lovely.”

“Hey, I had a good first monster hunt, Douxie. Thank you,” You pulled your cold feet up under your legs, “But could you stop hogging the blankets!”

#douxie x reader #hisirdoux casperan x reader #douxie x y/n #tales of arcadia x reader #douxie imagine #hisirdoux casperan imagine #Douxie Casperan x reader #tales of arcadia imagine #douxie #my writing #watsp

[peachiikawa]

Fly | Route Selected: O. Tooru

genre: mafia au, choose your own adventure

warnings: honestly nothing too bad in this route

word count: 3.1k

Fly Masterlist

“I choose--”

But before you could even finish your sentence, the front door opened and an arm draped around your shoulders

“They’ll be with me”

You looked to see who had just walked in and were stunned to see such a beautiful man

“Very funny oikawa, now let them go. This is a personal matter”

Daichi took a step forward and you could feel the tension in the air

But the silence was broken with a chuckle from oikawa

“Dont worry so much daichi. They arent just a threat to you theyre a threat to the entire community so to make your burden easier ill gladly take them in. you have better things to worry about anyways”

The smile on his face was far from a friendly one

Even you could tell it was a bit condescending and it made you a bit scared

He led you out the door but not before turning his head one last time

“Tell your old man seijou gives their regards”

With that he led you to his car and got you buckled in

“Now where do you live..?”

“My name is y/n and i live down the street and around the block”

He drove you home and made sure you got into your apartment

“Come in tomorrow whenever youd like, preferable before noon though. Heres my card if you have any questions. Goodnight y/n!”

He kept the conversation brief and didnt look back as he left

As soon as you closed the door you leaned against it and slid down onto the ground

Just what had you gotten yourself into?

You couldnt really sleep that night knowing that in the morning you were going to be working with the mafia

So you took an early shower and got to the address on the card oikawa gave you the night before around eight o’clock

You took a nervous breath before walking into the gigantic corporate building

‘Seijoh Industries’

The company had a long reputation of being in the modeling and fashion industry

It scared you to think that so many big companies were involved in who knows what else

You pushed the glass doors open and immediately got lost

Like how do you even navigate the inside of this building???

It wasnt long before you got stopped

...by some guy with blonde hair with lines in them

Was he trying to look like a tennis ball??

As he steps toward you you take one back until youre against a wall

“What the fuck are you doing here? Youd better leave. Now”

You feel like your stomach is about to drop before you hear that all too familiar voice

“Maddog what are you doing to y/n! Its their first day you shouldnt be so mean”

Oikawa grabbed your hand and led you down the hall to a pristine office

He sat down behind his desk and organized a few papers for you

“Youre here bright and early. I was half expecting you to just not show up”

His eyes glanced up from the papers in his hands for a brief moment

“But im glad you did it would have been a..hassle to find you”

The way that sentence came out of his mouth with that smile on his face sent a shiver down your back

He handed you a few papers and a list of tasks to do

Most of which consisted of you running errands and organizing some cabinets around the building

“Finish those and if you get done with that before the end of the day you can do whatever. Just dont poke your nose where it doesnt belong”

The smile on his face never left once your entire conversation and it left you with a weird feeling in your gut

As you turned to leave you just couldnt shake the weird feeling you got every time you saw it

But you went on your way, trying not to think about it too hard

You did each task with ease and you really thought that some of them were a bit unnecessary since most of the things on the list were already done

It was almost therapeutic doing normal things, it at least made you feel less nervous

It didnt take you long before you finished your tasks

“Hey you”

You jumped at the sound of someone’s voice and slowly turned towards a man with short and spiky brown hair

He held out a couple of papers to you

“I need you to make a few copies of these and then bring them to trashykawa”

Your eyebrows furrowed and he noticed your confusion

“I mean Oikawa. Sorry, force of habit. Im Iwaizumi by the way. I work over in communications''

You fumbled with the papers in your hands, trying to get a grip before he noticed how nervous you were

His sharp eyes were fixed on you which made you even more self-conscious 

You let out a shaky breath before introducing yourself

“Im y/n. Its my first day working here”

He nodded his head

“Yeah well just lay low if you want to survive this mess. Ill see you later y/n.”

A few weeks go by and it seems to be the same thing filling your days

This place wasnt as scary as you first thought and everyone seemed nice enough

The beeping from the copy machine brought you back to reality from your daydream and headed back to oikawas office

Though you had been here for almost a month now, it never got easier to be around him

Something was just too off putting about him

You took a deep breathe before knocking on the door to which you got a muffled “come in”

He didnt look up as you set the papers on his desk and only looked back up at you when he didnt hear your leave

He took off the glasses he was wearing and set them down in front of him

“Can i help you with something?”

Again, that smile on his face just...didnt feel right

“I was done with my work, is there anything else I can do for you?”

He just shook his head

“That should be it for me! Why dont you go see if iwa needs anything?”

You could tell that he wanted nothing more than to have just a moment to himself

And the constant flow of people probably didnt help

“This might be bold of me to say but that smile you wear around people...you dont need to put up any false pretenses around me. I know my situation and I know it isnt all sunshine and rainbows so feel free to be yourself around me. So one last time, before I go, do you need anything?”

His eyes were wide at what you just said

You had only been here for what? A few weeks? With minimal contact as well

So how did you notice?

The only other person whos ever called him out on it was iwaizumi

And he hated being read like this but he kept that smile up

“Nope im fine”

You nodded and left, closing the door behind you

And as soon as you did he threw his pen down on his desk and held his head in his hands

How...how did you see through him

He had carefully made this mask of his so that no one would be able to see how he was feeling

Emotions were a weakness

He didnt need them

And he sure as hell didnt need you

The next week he made it his mission to completely ice you out

No contact at all

And it made you kind of frustrated

The man steals you away from the other mafia you almost became affiliated with and just throws you to the side?

So you went to him after him doing whatever he could to make sure he avoided you

The man literally had tennis-head outside of his office to scare you away

“What are you doing”

The sudden voice behind you almost made you scream

“Oh iwaizumi! Dont scare me like that!”

You smacked his shoulder as you two hid around the corner from oikawas office

“If you must know im trying to get into oikawas office. I'm sick of his avoiding me like im the plague”

Iwaizumi let out a deep sigh

He knew why oikawa was avoiding you

And he also thought it was a little much

Wasnt it about time he stopped being scared?

“Tell you what y/n, ill distract kenta and while i do you can sneak into oikawas office”

Your eyes sparkled and he almost wanted to laugh

“Really?!” 

He nodded and patted your head

“Get that idiot out of his funk”

He then walked up to kenta and walked off with him, giving you a thumbs up behind his back

And when they were out of sight you knocked on oikawas door and didnt wait for him to respond before barging in

To say he was shocked was an understatement

“What are you-”

“Stop. Before you go on about how youre busy just please listen to me. I dont know what i did to deserve this amount of avoidance but if its about what i said that day, i dont regret what i said. And i wish you would stop avoiding your problems and just confront them”

Confront his problems?

What the hell do you know about his problems

“So you came in here to tell me that? What the fuck do you know about me? Youre just some street rat that poked their nose where it didnt belong. You dont know me so stop trying to tell me what to fucking do! Emotions make you weak and i dont need that”

At this point he had you backed against a wall

And when he realized what just happened he pushed himself away from you

God what the hell was he even doing

Hes spent years perfecting his facade

And then you come barging in and it just breaks?

You slowly approached him and put a hand on his shoulder

“See? Was that so bad? Honestly, seeing you like that was refreshing. Feel free to keep the mindset that emotions make you weak, i wont try to convince you otherwise. Thats a realization you need to make on your own but for now please dont hold back around me”

For the first time in a while oikawas heart stood still, almost as if he could feel himself again

“Whatever. I still have paperwork to do so leave or make yourself useful”

He shrugged your hand off of him and went back to his desk

You just smiled and nodded your head

“Ill be back with a coffee for you!”

And when you exited you bumped into the back of kentarou

“Ah sorry! Ill be back!”

As you ran off kenta took a step toward you

“What the hell..get back here!”

But before he could take another oikawa cleared his throat

“You can leave your post mad-dog. Youre no longer needed here”

Kenta nodded his head but was too shocked to move for a moment, caught off guard by the small smile that lingered on his boss’ face

The couple weeks after that you were allowed back in his office and he even started to request your presence at times for no other reason than he just wanted you to sit in the room with him

And that smile he used to give you was now replaced by a soft, genuine smile that made your heart flutter

Little things started to become more noticeable to you

Like how cute it was when he pouted his lips when he was really focused

And honestly he was too

Your smile was maddening

And your laugh made him feel like he was being swallowed whole, unable to breath

It scared him

Nothing good has ever happened when he became emotionally attached to someone

“Oikawa, are you okay?”

You put your hand up to his forehead and checked for a fever

He could feel his cheeks heating up and gently swatted your hand away

“No im fine. Dont worry about me”

He watched your face fill with concern and his heart lurched forward

This feeling...it scared him. But for now, if its you, hes willing to see where this goes

“Good morning oikawa!”

You walked into his office with his morning coffee which he gladly took from your hands

“Good morning y/n”

He had a job later and needed all the energy he could get

But not before having his morning conversation with you

“I'm leaving around noon with maki and mattsun. Iwa’s in charge till i get back so if you need anything ask him”

You could tell by the way he was talking that it was something serious and therefore probably something to do with the mafia

Sure you had done a few things for Seijoh like fax some papers and have oikawa sign a few things but nothing to where oikawa needed to leave has ever come up

He could see anxiety cloud over your face

“Hey”

He grabbed your hand and gave it a small squeeze

“I’ll be fine. You have nothing to worry about, okay?”

You nodded your head

“Please be safe”

Worry reflected in your eyes and it made him almost go weak

All he could do was nod and give a half smile

The entire time he was away you sat at his desk anxiously waiting for his return

...

“Cough up the money oikawa. We had a deal”

Oikawa looked at the man in front of him with his trademark empty smile

“That wasnt our deal. Now give us what you owe”

The room was tense but nothing that oikawa hasnt dealed with before

But his world soon turned upside down with what was thrown on the table that stood between them next

The color drained from his face as he looked at pictures taken of you without anyone knowing

“Where the hell did you get these”

The man in front of him just laughed

“Now thats an interesting expression oikawa. Never thought id see the day where that smile of yours wasnt on your face”

His knuckles were turning white from how hard he was clenching his fists

“You know, it would almost be a shame if something were to happen to them”

Oikawas eyes widened in fear

It felt as if time around him had stopped for this one moment

And it made him want to puke

“Dont you dare lay a hand on them”

His jaw was so tense that he thought he was about to pop a blood vessel

“Then give us the money”

He wasnt left with much of a choice

So he did what he was told

“See? Was that so hard?”

“Are we done here?”

He was itching to get back as soon as possible

To make sure you were okay

He couldnt rest until he knew you were fine

“Yes now leave”

The car ride seemed to last forever, maki and mattsun had never seen their boss like this and exchanged subtle glances the entire ride

As soon as the car stopped he ran into the building and to your desk

And when he saw you werent there his heart dropped

‘Where are you, y/n?!’

The only other place you could be was his office

He slammed his door open only to see you jump up from his desk, the sleep in your eyes still evident

He let out the breath he didnt even know he was holding as soon as his eyes landed on you

He went straight over to you and pulled you into his arms

The tightness of the hold around you was comforting yet alarming

You brought your arms up to wrap around him and you swear you could feel him slightly shaking

“Oikawa?”

You voice was soft and made him feel weak in the knees

“Just…let me stay like this for a moment”

After that day you were moved into his home and he never left your side

He never fully explained what happened that day

But you knew it had shaken him

Especially since you havent seen his smile since then

You were escorted everywhere

And when you asked why you were only given the short answer of “i said i’d guard you so i'm doing that”

You didnt mind being with him, really

If anything you liked being able to be with him all the time

You just hoped you werent being a hindrance

So one night as you laid in bed while oikawa sat on the ground next to you leaning against the bed frame, you turned towards him

He had been doing this lately to “guard” you and you knew he wasnt sleeping much

“Oikawa”

His eyes immediately met yours

“Am i being a burden on you?”

Though it was dark, he could hear the sadness in your voice

“I just feel like ive been holding you back lately and thats the last thing i want to do”

He cupped your face with his hand and gently stroked your cheek

“Not to mention that you havent smiled once since coming back that day and it just all feels very distant and lonesome. I hope you know that you can talk to me, i’ll never judge you for anything”

And in those few simple words the gate that had been holding back all of his emotions back suddenly broke

“y/n im scared”

His head hung low as his lips trembled

“Im scared to lose you and im scared that ive become weak since being with you but i just cant let you go. Losing you makes me feel more terrified than anything else”

The thought of losing you made it feel as if he was drowning and the water was filling his lungs with a burning sensation

You sat up in your bed and took his hand in yours

“Then why dont you turn that fear into strength? Hiding me...putting me under 24 hour surveillance...its no different than running. I dont want to be away from you either oikawa”

How did you always clear his head? It was like your words just made everything make sense

He made his way onto your bed and started to kiss you, soft yet hungry for more

He could never get enough of you

You made his heart full

And you became his strength

You made him strong and he could never forget this debt

taglist:  @the-ironic-me @multisun @my-mass-hysteria @sugawsites @youbloodylegendyoudidit @sinthxy @celamoon​ @tinymouth @fait-de-fleurs @tsukifanbase​ @69owo​ @laglyssage @hearteyeskags​ @ntngann​ @shnnn​ @fukuro-dani-ace​​ @exponentially-tired​​ @soy1melk​

#oikawa x reader #oikawa tooru x reader #haikyuu #haikyuu!! #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu!! imagines #tooru oikawa x reader #oikawa toru x reader #toru oikawa x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! x reader

[azumasoroshi]

i am in a storytelling mood and you all will now be forced to listen to it

So back in sophomore year, I had this final project for the end of the year. We had to make a book trailer with a partner, and our book was Patron Saints of Nothing by Randy Ribay. It's about this high schooler who goes to the Philippines to investigate why his cousin died.

Our school was not an art school; it was just a regular public high school, and so we were not expected to draw the whole thing. We were expected to find some videos, or film ourselves acting stuff out, or use Ken Burns effects on stock images in iMovie. My partner certainly thought that using stock images would be a good idea, and she legitimately saw no problem with the original "final product" of our iMovie low budget shitty production.

However, my dumbass was excited, because I liked animating and the plot of the book allowed for some very interesting imagery. I had ideas, oh so many ideas.

I was a fool.

Because the one fatal thing my dumbass forgot to take into consideration was that I was, and still am, a serial procrastinator.

(the trailer is below the cut)

So, after getting pretty much nothing done, midnight arrived on the due date. And I was terrified, but in that "eh it doesn't really matter" kind of terrified way because I was an emotionless husk and couldn't feel any emotions other than “welp”.

I had maybe 10 seconds done of what was roughly supposed to be a 1 minute and 30 second long video.

My English class started at 10:05.

“Well you had 10 hours, Soro-“ NO I DIDNT

because i had to LEAVE for school at 6:30 and i had chemistry, java, and health between 7:30 and 10:00 so i couldn’t do any of my work during those periods.

So I had about 6 hours to make an entire book trailer. Whoop.

I started off well enough with the Gising Na Ph! posts. Except I didn’t start off well at all and I spent at least two of my six hours trying to figure out how hands worked before finally letting go of any honor I had left in my being and just tracing stock images.

Now, my partner had gotten a few good images on her version of the movie, which she’d graciously sent to me so that I could scrap most of it. And I wasn’t intending to use any of them in the slightest, but by this point it was about 2 am, and I figured I should hustle a little bit. I was planning to import her iMovie into my iMovie and take the photos from there. Easy enough, right?

NO

The file got corrupted somehow and I had to reverse image search every single image that I wanted to use by screenshotting them from the movie rather than having the photos themselves. And for some inexplicable reason, I wanted to try to resemble my partner’s movie as closely as possible, which meant using the same photos. Could I have just found different stock photos? Yes. Was I in my right mind at the time? No. Did I even consider trying to find different photos? Not until 5 am.

Now, along with the movie being corrupted, that also meant that my partner’s recorded voice lines were inaccessible to me. That meant I had to record my own. At 5 am.

I have several friends who are very talented voice actors. They live in Britain, so it wasn’t too early for them. They’d already expressed that they were willing to help two weeks prior, back when I thought I wasn’t going to procrastinate. Should I have asked them? Hell fucking yes. Did I? Well, I just so happened to ask the only one of them that wasn’t awake at the time. Luck and reason are on my side, clearly.

5:30 am, I realized that my friend probably wasn’t going to answer on time. And it just so happened that one of my irl friends had woken up, for some ungodly reason like sleeping on time or something. I quite literally begged him to record two voice lines for me, and lo and behold, he actually did it. He sounded deader on the inside than me, but his character just so happened to require being dead inside, so that ended up working out. He recorded the voice lines on Notability. That was pretty funny.

(around 6 am my british friend saw my message and he was like oh shit whoops ill do it now and i had to awkwardly explain to him that i found a replacement. that wasnt a fun conversation to have at 6 am)

6:30 am I was in the car. The movie was almost done; I just needed one final image of Jun and Jay together, and I wasn’t going to find that on Google Images. I drew it during health class. My teacher definitely noticed and was probably pissed.

10:00 am. I actually went into the bathroom stalls during the 5 minute transition period between classes, pulled out my headphones, and listened to the whole thing just to check it over. (I’m overly paranoid about how loud my voice is in recordings due to a certain incident that won’t be explained in this post) It sounded fine. Everything was fine. It was all good.

10:05 am, English started. A few other groups went before me. I was ready to present. I had the movie open on my iPad, and I was resigned to my fate. I tried my hardest, somehow. That was enough. My partner hadn’t gotten to check over my movie at all, so she had no idea what was about to happen. That was fine.

11:00 am. Class...ended?

waiit shit that isn’t right. i spent all night working on that movie trailer and i didnt get to present it???

WELL, as it turns out, my AirPlay wasn’t working or something and the method of sharing to Google Drive was apparently too time-consuming, so I had to present the next day. A whole nother 24 hours, just handed to me like that. I could do anything I wanted with the movie in that period of time.

What the fuck.

“So you definitely removed the stock photos and made your movie even better in that time, right, Soro?” oh FUCK no dude i got home at 3, yelled to my friends for an hour about how mad I was, and then fell asleep at 4 pm and didn’t wake up until 6:00 am.

I presented this movie the next day.

I got an A+.

#the moral of the story is that i am a terrible partner #i never did get to know what my partner thought of the movie #she actually emailed me while i was asleep and was like ‘hey can i like. see the movie’ #i emailed it to her and she never responded #the voices are edited obviously #i sure do wonder which voice is mine #im sick right now and it’s 11 pm but i cant sleep so i wrote this #ill hide most of it under a ‘read more’ cut once i get off mobile #long post #storytime with soro #this shit is the only exciting stuff that happens to me #its all school related #the background music is from how to eat life/inochi no tabekata by eve #soro's art

[maggotmouth]

          hillo sexthy legends !!   i’m nora and i’ll be writing margo colby n probs sm1 else bcos lets be real, i lack self-control. u can find her pinterest here n some info abt her sexy self below the cut. plot with me on discord ( hot girl midsommar#8664 ) or in my ims !!  x o x

     * CAMILA MORRONE, CIS WOMAN + SHE / HER  | you know MARGO COLBY, right? they’re TWENTY-THREE, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, ELEVEN YEARS? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to SCRAWNY BY WALLOWS  like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole BLEACH WHITE SNEAKERS POUNDING ON A GYMNASIUM FLOOR, USING THE SAME BLUNT SCISSORS TO HACK THE SLEEVES OFF AN EXES T-SHIRT THAT YOU USE TO CUT YOUR 3AM FRINGE, A WALNUT-SHAPED ACHE IN THE PIT OF YOUR STOMACH FOR THE PERSON YOU COULD HAVE BEEN thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is AUGUST 8TH, so they’re a LEO, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nora, 25, gmt, she/her )

CLICK ANYWHERE ON THIS SENTENCE FOR SEXII GOOGLE DOC!!

bullet point summary of margo.

—   born margaret but NOBODY calls her that. its colby, coach or margo, and go to the privileged few. margo grew up in the creek commune n then dropped out of school cos of a teenage pregnancy so she was a bit of a cautionary tale back in’t’day (said tht in my yorkshire accent). she now works for summer camps coaching pee wee soccer and pee wee cheer, as well as helping out her beekeeper dad on his honey farm, which is jst north of abernathy creek, and working at scuba on the off seasons.

—  its just her and her dad, and has been for as long as she can recall !! everything she knows about her mum could fit on the back of the weathered passport photo she keeps in her wallet of a stranger who shares her face - her name’s melody, or at least tht was name she used when working as a dancer, she’s from argentina and dropped mag’s dad as soon as someone w more money came along.

—  margo’s father is a beekeeper with his own organic honey company. margo and her dad moved to irving in the early 00s, the summer between grade school and middle school, because her dad had heard about the communal living in abernathy creek and wanted to lend his skills there and live off the fatta the land in a very lenny from of mice and men kinda way.

—  for a few years of middle school margo was bullied for living with the ‘freaks from the creek’, but when they realised how chill her dad was with underage drinking, margo ‘keg-bringer’ colby soon gained popularity among the more renegade students. every so often, the high school parties would happen at her end of town, occasionally with members of the commune even offering the high schoolers a spiritual experience they’d never forget (often in the form of mushrooms) which meant people tried to stay on her good side. to get an invite to a margo colby party handed you a free pass to make up the most ridiculous shit about the commune you liked and nobody else could say anything, because they’d never been to the creek.

—  at school, margo had a lot of ‘behvioural issues’ bcos of undiagnosed adhd, she found it difficult to sit still for hours n write down huge chunks of information n her restlessness was seen as laziness. she was encouraged to do sports, as were most of the kids who weren’t that academically inclined, but she turned out to be pretty hot shit at sprinting, because she grew up surrounded by bee houses and he who runs slowest gets stung, baybeyy!! so yea, in school sports became her LIFE. she was gonna get a sports scholarship to college but ended up dropping out of school in senior year n becoming one of those kids who could have had it all but lost it.

—  she had sex with sutter at a house party when she wasnt really ready because it felt like the right thing to do at the time and everybody else was doing it. she’d attended health class, she’d seen the corny videos. she knew about all the statistics, but she also knew that it had never happened to anyone she knew and the pull out method was basically safer than the morning after pill and way less expensive.

—  a teenage pregnancy knocked her out of the runnings for prom queen and meant she had to leave school early. she didn’t go to college when her friends did, instead she spent the time interviewing potential foster candidates and eating her weight in lindt chocolate while marathoning love island in her room.  

—  she had a son, who she passed off to someone else a couple of towns away.  it was a closed adoption which seemed like the best idea at the time, but she now wishes she had access to his life.

—  after peaking in high school and jumping between jobs for a few years, she got a more permanent role at scuba which she loves with all of her heart and soul, but unfortunately a bar job doesn’t pay the rent.  

—  she works at summer camps coaching  junior soccer and netball on the side. she’s extremely competitive and takes it very personally if her team lose. the kids all call her, coach colby n write her longwinded letters about how they’ll never forget this summer camp before they go back to their suburban picket fence houses n she keeps all the letters in a drawer n takes them out to read when she’s feelin depressed.

—  enjoys surfing and worked for a number of years on resorts like mila kunis’ job in forgetting sarah marshall. she went on to work 18-hour days as a stewardess on luxury yachts which is a part of her backstory i added after watching season one of below deck because i guess i really am that fucking impressionable. met most of her surf friends doing tht but said she’d never in her life do it again bcos it was mostly just picking up after rich white ppl for shit pay. she came back to irving n thats when she started doing the summer camp jobs so she could move out of the creek n get her own apartment. 

—  she never actually finished senior year so she’s currently going to night school at the community college to get through her exams and is trying to save to go to college or open university. she wants to major in criminology. she’s super ambitious but also super adhd so she fluctuates between thinking she can achieve anything to just feeling like a failure n thinkin whats the point

—  used to shoplift to feel joy and as an act of resistance to her hippy commune routes, but now sees herself as a reformed, bin-diving freegan (sims 4 eco living can i get a hell yaaaa). also she thinks it’s totally wrong to steal when you have enough money and clearly don’t need to steal to survive, ppl risk imprisonment for basic necessities, so for her to do it for a brief thrill and some new shades felt a bit derogatory

—  was raised jewish. became a vegetarian as a child because it seemed, at the time, easier than having to explain which foods she was and wasn’t allowed to eat together, so she just cut out meat entirely. still a vegetarian now and dabbles in veganism, although its become less about not eating certain meats in the milk of their mother and more about her global impact / carbon footprint

—  nurses little animals to health in her garden. has a hedgehog name OJ short for orange juice not the other one filthy pig. her and her dad have always been huge animal rights activists and existed on a vegetarian diet. the only one in their house who isn’t vegetarian is their cat, auggie. (short 4 augustus gloop)

—  has a lot of stupid ass stick and poke tattoos. there was a phase during her years as a barmaid where she wanted to train as a tattoo artist n would mostly practice on herself or any friends who would let her

—  she doesn’t form many long lasting friendships cos she tends to be super excited when she makes a new friend and just see them all the time but then it wears off and she can ghost a bit. she’ll always coming pinging back but she’s not the most predictable or loyal friend, sometimes she’ll sleep in your house every night for a week and then you won’t even get a text from her for a month. her best friends are elderly neighbours and houseless people she meets when volunteering at the foodbank. she thinks they’re more authentic than most of the ‘fake posers’ she meets down the vela pier

—  calls herself a butch lesbian but still has sex with men when she wants validation. sexually attracted to some men, especially effeminate men, but only romantically attracted to women. very possessive of the gals in her life.

—  stopped giving a shit about getting older or adhering to anyone elses bullshit standards, realised it was all fake p much as soon as she dropped out of school and one by one her friends just stopped texting her

—  lives in one of the lofts in port apartments. it’s open plan with rugs and lava lamps everywhere. she has a palette bed. its all very ‘sustainable chic’. like, oh wow, a pallet bed that im supposed to think you made from scratch but i KNOW you got it  off ebay because you thought it looked trendy

—  constantly says shes poor but still buys clothes from urban outfitters. sus.

—  frequently found at fannies flirting with the cute bisexual bartender with a choppy black bob.

general vibe / personality

vibrant, vulgar, self-absorbed, tenacious, veers bewteen apathetic and dogmatic, temperamental, flighty, unreliable, magnetic, charismatic, passive aggressive, likes to play devil’s advocate, takes the moral high ground. estp and a leo

likes: 70s music, john wayne movies, black mirror, philosophy, cowboy chic culture, dc comics, the smell of locker rooms,, deep red lipstick, lacrosse sticks, smoking weed from a bong, dogs, karaoke, pet rats, kate moss, late-night strolls, hawaaiian shirts worn open over a bralette, skinned knees, thai food, picking the apples at the very top of the trees, zip-lining, cigarettes, the idea of pegging but not the practical application of it, decorative lamps, LGBTQ+ pin badges, worn-out furniture, twangy electric guitars.

dislikes: girls who call other girls ‘pick me’ girls, woody allen movies, mental mathematics, wealthy children, quentin tarantino, ironing, institutionalised misogyny, the imaginary future, french literature, ‘dump him’ feminism, wes anderson films, spoken word poetry nights, college-educated bar staff who act like they’re better than you,  indie softbois, the general mentality of cheerleading squads.

aesthetics

orange peel, the smell of bleach, skeleton drawings in the margins of a journal, thumb holes poked through the cuffs of your sleeves, bleach white sneakers pounding on a gymnasium floor, setting dumpsters on fire for the hell of it. a hit flask of vodka decorated with hello kitty stickers, split knuckles, alien conspiracy theories and sci-fi paperbacks, doc martens with fraying laces, a child in an oversize bee keepers suit, scabbed knees, not eating your greens, smiling with a mouthful of blood, and piercing your own ears with a safety pin when your dad wouldn’t take you,  a tennis racket you punched through in a fit of temper, feet pounding the earth until your soles bleed crimson, sleeping in a cherry lip balm and scrunchies to keep the wild locks from your eyes.

hoo boy this is getting LONG AS FUCK but here are my wanted plots

wanted plots

ok margo’s been in irving since she was like 10. she’s quite a vivacious person?? she dresses completely instinctively without any sense of cohesion so she stands out. a guy once told her she was wearing the ugliest outfit he’d ever seen and he thought that was so cool and brave of her. but anyway where was i going.. she grew up in the abernathy creek so stuck out like a sore thumb,,,, maybe ppl who were super interested in the creek or maybe poked fun at her bcos of it idk.....

b4 she dropped out, margo used 2 b in with the cool kids at school bcos her dad would buy them booze and rarely ask for the money. maybe a fun plot cld b with some of the ‘it girls’ she used to hang around with b4 she got pregnant n dropped out and they all went off to college n stopped texting her.

frinds !! unlikely friends !! toxic friends !! some1 she feels like she knew before irving ???

since margo literally can’t differentiate between romantic and platonic love, she’s got off with so many of her mates, so i want awkward friendships where they nearly dated, or exes that have now just turned into weird friendships. fwbs. enemies with benefits. all the angst. all the slow burn mutual pining we hate each other narratives

locals who play sports. margo wld be all over community soccer n take it way too seriously. maybe ppl she plays hockey with. girls who she’s like, weirdly intimate with but its not a thing cos the other girls straight !!! what do u mean !! aha just fun !

she works part time at scuba. i want a mate that just goes and sits in there talking to her until her manager gets angry.

she's also a surf instructor and occasionally works as a lifeguard!! gal has like 7 jobs ik but regular swimmers hmu

ppl she coaches at the gym !! she wants to be a personal trainer

i reckon she might have recently started meditating to try and calm down her mind cos its always bustling with thoughts, n i think she’s p interested in buddhism so if anyone’s a buddhist hmu

someone she’s trying to make a zine with on female empowerment and women in film and art, etc. just a very feminist zine. 

TLDR:  angry sports gay, former high school track prodigy turned drop out, who likes feminist literature, wearing leather jackets over slip dresses, and smudged red lipstick.

this was so long !!! im sorry !! if you’ve read this far have a biscuit, love x

#aaaaaaa #we back boys #irvingintro #hmu for plots bayybeyyy

[happys-crazy-queen22]

Title: Final Beat Down

Gif credit @jayhasltud

Requested on wattpad

Hope you all enjoy it

WARNING: ABUSE, ASSAULT, ATTEMPTED RAPE. THREATENING WITH A GUN. TRIGGER WARNING. CAUTION WHEN READING.

He did it again. This time it was one of the worst. Your eye was swollen shut, your ribs were broken. The wheezing told you that. A lung was punctured, probably. He couldn't control himself. You had to get out, just had too. So you went to the only place that you felt safe.

"Y/N, come in". Hank didnt even have to ask why you were there, he just let you in.

"Take off those wet clothes, I'll get you some dry ones". Hank hurried along to his room. You stood in the hall, shivering as you took the wet clothes off. Your body ached with every movement that you made. Biting your lip to stop you from sobbing.

Hank returned with a towel and some clothes. He held up the towel as you got dressed.

"I'll put on some coffee". He sighed as he saw the bruises on your arms and legs. You followed him to the kitchen.

"What was it this time"?

"The same". You whispered as you sat down at the table.

"You need to leave him. You dont deserve what this son of a bitch is doing to you". Hank slammed the kettle down on the stove. He heard you whimper. "Sorry".

"I know. I just can't. I dont know how".

"I'll talk with some people and get you into a womans shelter".

"He'll find me. Then he'll  do worse. I may not survive it then".

Hank shook his head as he grabbed two coffee cups and sat them on the table, he pour the coffee into cup. You wrapped your hands around the mug and took in the heat.

"You need to see a doctor".

"No I'm good".

"It wasn't a question. You need to get checked out. I'll call Will". Hank went to the house phone and got on it. You didnt want to drag anyone else into the mix but you were in serious pain. So much pain that you were struggling not to pass out.

Will arrived in a matter of minutes along with Jay. Hank let Will use his bedroom to check you over. It was a painful process. Every touch sent shock waves of pain through your body. Will bandaged you up and gave you some pain meds to help you sleep. Before he even left you were out.

"How is she"? Hank met Will at the bottom of the stairs.

"Well. A few broken ribs, a punctured lung. Busted lip, a fractured eye socket, luckily he didnt damage her eye. She has bruises up and down her legs and arms. Hand prints around her wrist and throat. Mark's on her back that look like it came from a belt. Right now she's lucky it wasn't worse than this. She needs to get out".

"I've told her that many of times".

"This happened more than once"? Will asked shocked.

"Third time this week".

"Hank, get her out or you'll be trying to solve her murder".

"I know who did it but she wouldn't press charges on him. I've tried to get her to".

"Then you have a girl that doesnt want help". Will frowned as he walked past Hank and out the door.

"If you need anything just call". Jay told Hank.

"Yeah. Thanks". Hank shut the door and blew out a breath he was holding. He went to the couch and sat there thinking.. Soon he drifted off to sleep.

The morning came, Hank was up and ready for work. He didnt want to disturb you so he let you sleep in but when he went up to check on you before he went off to work you weren't there. You hand went out the window, he didnt know why. Figure you were scared to face him or to ashamed but he knew where you were and that you'd be seeing him again.

During Hanks shift he tried not to think about you or your situation but you were on his mind. He called you three, four times. You never answered so after work he was going to stop by your place unannounced. Maybe that boyfriend of yours would be there, but he wouldn't do anything in front of Hank. He was to big of a coward to hurt you with Hank around.

"Hey Jay, I'm going to head out early. I have to stop somewhere". Hank told Jay while he put on his jacket. It was still raining out.

"Okay. You need back-up"? Jay already knew where he was headed. Hank might be a mystery to all but when he really cares about someone his guard is down.

"Nah, I think I'll be fine. Just stay by a phone just in case". Hank chuckled as he walked out the back, heading to his car. He left at the right moment.

"You stupid fucking bitch". Your boyfriend threw you into the wall with such force your shoulder dislocated.

"I'm sorry". You whimpered as you moved your arm, cowering in the corner of the kitchen.

"Then you shouldn't make me mad. I do so much for you and you give no thanks. That's what makes me mad". He jerked you up by your shoulders which hurt like a bitch.

"You're going to give me what I want or else". He threatened with a growl.

"You lay another damn finger on her, your brains will splatter this kitchen. Now put her down easy and step away". Hank had his gun pointed at the back of your abusive boyfriends head. Your boyfriend was nervous, the sweat beads rolling down his forehead. He let you down easy and stepped away from you.

Hank bent down to help you up, you hissed as your arm moved. "You okay"?

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just go".

"You're coming with me. Even if you dont press charges. You're leaving".

"She isnt going anywhere. That bitch owes me".

"You open you fucking mouth one more time, I'll put a bullet in it". Hank gripped the trigger on his gun. Just waiting for him to be stupid.

"I'll go with you Hank".

Hank smiled and wrapped his arm around you, leading you out. Then something stupid happened.

"She ain't going to open her legs for you either old man. You can save her all you want". Your ex boyfriend laughed, sticking up his middle finger.

Hank didnt think he quickly turned around and broke his middle finger. Of course he screamed out like a drama queen.

"I told you what would happen if you opened your mouth again, now didnt I"? Hank took the butt of the gun and smashed into your ex's mouth. He screamed in agony. Spitting out a few teeth.

"Thats for opening your mouth". Hank put his gun in his holster. Balled up his fist and punched him square in the nose. Then just released hell on him. Kicking and punching.  Stomping on his ribs and his broken finger. You were actually enjoying the sight. You didn't know it would have been this great of a feeling to see someone else have complete control over him, like he did once on you.

"Hank". You quietly spoke getting his attention also you didnt want him to kill him.

"One second". Hank told you. He reached behind him getting his cuffs. "Your under arrest for assault on a police officer". Hank jerk him over to his stomach and put the handcuffs on tightly.

"I didn't do shit". Your ex cried out.

Hank pulled him up by his ear, your ex was covered in blood. Hanks hands were covered.

"Call the station and ask for Jay". Hank asked of you. You nodded and went to your phone. Seeing that Hank called and texted you moments before he arrived. You called the station and Jay didn't ask any questions. He was on his way.

"You okay"? You came over to Hank as Jay loaded up your ex, hitting his head on the door as he was thrown in the back seat.

"Yeah. Let's got to my place and get cleaned up. Your house is a crime scene right now". Hank chuckled as he laid his on your back.

"Thank you for saving me, Hank. I know now I should have left long ago. I was just scared". You tell him as he cleaned your wounds with peroxide.

"Y/N, I know you were scared but you have me. I wouldn't hurt you.  I would have done my best to protect you. You deserve much better than him".

"Someone like you".

"Yeah, someone like me".

"It wasnt a question, Hank. You. You have been there for me when I needed help and when I couldn't think straight. I trust you more than anyone. You take better care of me than I do".

"You deserve to be cared for. Y/N, you're an amazing woman and you dont give yourself credit for that".

You smiled wide as you leaned into Hank. The smell of him made you go mad. "I like you Mr. Voight". You licked your lips as you looked down at his.

"I like you too". Hank let out a slow breath and then attached his lips to yours. Tge kiss was deep and soft. From the looks and personality of Hank you thought he'd be rough but no. He was so gently. Looks can be deceiving.

"Will you, you know"? You blushed as he looked into your eyes, waiting for you to say the words.

"Will I"?

"Will you be my first and show me what love really is"? You whispered softly.

"I will never hurt you". Hank picked you up carefully, you wrapped your arms around his waist as he carried you to his room.

Hank laid you gently on the bed, laying beside you, kissing your lips. He wanted to make sure you were comfortable and sure that this is what you wanted. He never wanted to make you feel unsafe with him.

As the night progressed, Hank showed you what it was like to be loved by someone that actually cared about you. Not just using you.  To love and cherish you. To make you feel wanted and the desire that Hank has for you. Something that you've never felt until you are with Hank.

#hank voight imagines #hank voight x reader #hank voight fanfiction #hank voight #hank voight cpd #chicago pd fic #chicago pd fanfiction #chicago pd #chicago pd drabble #happys crazy queen22

[naughty-noodles]

The omega and Alpha thing with Toby was fucking awesome- Could you do a part two when you have time? Like Toby kidnaps the omega and kinda forces themcto like him. You're writings really good ☺️

Y/n awoke groggily, head pounding like a motherfuck. The light from a nearby window shone directly on their face, making them move to pull the blanket up. Confusion knit their eyebrows tightly as they realized their arms were restrained beside them.

Y/n's head shot up to see the leather cuffs that kept them from moving too far. Their feet were free to their relief but that emotion quickly faded when the events from the night before came flooding back.

"HELLLLP!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!" They cried, thrashing their feet and pulling against the restraints. Y/n fell back onto the bed with a thud, realizing their efforts were fruitless. They were alone and likely well hidden.

After Y/n caught their breath, they began looking around. The walls were made of logs so it was probably a cabin located in who the fuck knows where. The light coming in from the window was bright and direct. Depending on their direction, it was either early morning or late evening.

The bed smelled like mothballs as if it hadn't been used since its last wash... whenever that was, and the only other furniture in the room was a small dresser and a nightstand.

Y/n laid there, listening to a ticking clock in the hallway until the exhaustion set back in and pulled them back into unconsciousness.

A door slamming shut caused y/n to jolt back from their sleep moments later. Scraping footsteps and a groan made their heart pound fast.

"Can't do anyth-thing right, can they?"

That voice struck fear into y/n's chest as they struggled against the restraints more.

"Oh, hey. You're up."

The masked man had peered his head in. Y/n laid there too fearful to say anything. The killer removed his goggles and pulled his hood off but kept his face guard on. With a huff, he knelt by the bedside.

"Look... I know you're a-afraid... but I'm not going to hurt you. What yo-you saw was strictly business." His eyes crinkled, showing a weak smile.

"Why..." y/n coughed, their voice strained from the yelling from earlier. "Why do you stutter like that..?"

A maniacal laugh erupted from the killer.

"Of all the things y-you could say to- to me first, you ask about my f-fucking t-tourettes?!" He fell to the floor, seemingly amused by the question. After his laughter subsided, he stared with a bemused look at the omega in front of him. "You're a weird one"

He got up and shut the door before pulling out a pocket knife. Y/n's eyes widened at the sight, breath hitching in fear.

"Relax, omega. I said I'm not going to hurt you." Toby reached for the restraints and began sawing at their bindings.

"The name's T-Toby. I had to restrain y-you while I was g-gone so don't take it personally. Also..." he turned and gave them a look. "Don't try to run when these are off. I'm stronger, faster, and f-from the turnout of l-last night... smarter. If y-you are to live, then you a-are to live here."

Y/n nodded quickly.

"I'm serious, d-despite these f-f-fucking tics" he struggled to get out. "Don't be stupid."

When the bounds were removed, Toby helped the omega sit up, warning them to move slow to avoid getting too dizzy. He seemed more gentle now, not wanting to terrify them.

Y/n rubbed their sore wrists with a wince.

"I'll get you some water. S-Stay here. You won't be f-fit to walk yet."

He left the room, leaving the door cracked. If y/n had said the thought of bolting hadn't crossed their mind, they'd be lying. With how weak they felt and how sure they were of being killed if they tried, it was best that they listened.

Toby had returned shortly with a glass of water. He had even put ice in it, which y/n was grateful for.

"Drink slow."

The cold water had soothed their dry and sore throat. Despite trying to hide it, a relieved hum left their lips. Toby chuckled and took the glass when they finished. He didnt want to risk them shattering it for a weapon, as little as the risk seemed.

Smart little omega, he thought to himself.

A moment passed before y/n dared to speak. "If you're so certain you could kill me if I escaped... then why dont you take your mask off? I mean, if I'm to stay here or risk my life... then can't I at least see my captors face?"

"Captor?" Toby snorted in amusement. "Well if we are b-being tech-technical then I guess that's true."

After a moment of thought, he reached behind his head and began untying it. "Just... prepare y-yourself. It's pretty gnarly."

The mask fell off with ease, revealing a large gash in his cheek. Y/n could see his teeth and gums with how wide it was. They scooted a bit further away with a grimace on their face.

"Told ya."

"How...how did that happen? I've never seen anything like that..."

"Along with tourettes, I also hav-have this thing called CIP. I can't feel pain. It doesnt h-hurt but as a kid, when I got n-n-nervous, I'd chew on my cheek. Only the p-pain wasnt there to stop me."

He removed the gloves on his hands and held them up. Each had was riddled with scars and teeth marks.

"Also developed a n-nasty habit of chew-chewing on my hands.."

Y/n frowned and shakily raised a hand to trace the scars while Toby sat with a blank look on his face.

"You think I'm s-some sort of mo-monster, don't you?"

The omega's eyes shot up to meet his brown ones with shock. "No...no... it actually makes you seem more human, really..." y/n gave a weak smile "I mean, killing everyone else in that bar and threatening to kill me then keeping me captive is scary but honestly, seeing your flaws kinda... puts me at ease."

Toby raised an eyebrow. "You... are taking this surprisingly well, omega."

They shrugged. "Trying to make the most of my current situation seeing as if I leave, I die. No offense but i still dont like you."

Toby frowned. "Understandable, I guess." After a moment he stood up. "You should get some more sleep. That pill had en-enough dosage to take down a m-man twice your size."

A week had passed and y/n was beginning to lose all hope of a normal life. Toby was rarely at the cabin and the isolation was beginning to make the omega crack. It got to the point where the omega was excited for the mornings he'd return from what he called his "job".

They rarely went outside, despite being allowed the privilege of staying within 20 feet of the cabin. Toby had trusted that y/n would stay but only for one reason. He had showed them a picture of what resided in these woods if y/n had ventured too far. A creature he called the rake.

The mere sight of it was enough to keep y/n indoors. If they did go outside, it was only to the cabin porch with the door open to allow easy access back inside. Some nights, the omega could swear they heard the creatures cry of agony at not being permitted near the cabin.

Toby had told them that the only thing keeping that creature back was due to the nature of his job and the man he worked for. It made the omega shudder, thinking that someone was that powerful enough to control the beast.

Toby had another residence where he stayed at more often to keep up appearances. When asked if they could go with one day, he gave a firm no. He had told them the place was full of other alphas, and some were so messed up and bloodthirsty that the thought of an omega in their midst would drive them more wild.

The more respected of the bunch each had their own cabin where they were permitted some privacy. No one was allowed over unless invited. The lack of trust was obvious but the mutual gain was enough to keep them from tearing at each other.

So y/n remained where they were, cleaning, cooking, pacing, and finding whatever ways to amuse themselves while the time passed.

Toby had attempted to win them over with gifts, their favorite foods, and a basic level of trust. Slowly but surely, he was winning.

Everything slowly became second nature... until y/n's omega nature kicked in and they began nesting. Every blanket and pillow in the cabin was taken. The closet was emptied and replaced with every comfy piece of cloth the omega could find. Not a thing was out of place, just how the omega liked it.

But once they snuggled down to rest, they became irritated. Something was missing. Something vital. And the omega in them would not rest until they found out what.

Y/n searched the entire house, sniffing every couch cushion and curtain but nothing was right. They began pacing and biting at their nails. By the time the door opened, the omega was nearly pulling out their own hair.

Toby stopped at the door and raised an eyebrow in curiosity.

"Um... what are you doing?"

"Its missing something." The omega grumbled right before their nose caught onto his scent. The whipped around to face him.

"Um??"

"Jacket. Now." The omega glared.

"Excuse me? T-The fuck?"

"Jacket." The omega walked forward and grabbed at it. "I need it."

Confused but slowly becoming more amused, the alpha complied. "Have at it, I g-guess?"

Y/n snatched it and ran toward the bedroom to their closet. Toby attempted to follow but only got so far as the bedroom door before the omega growled. It was then when it got through Toby's thick skull. They were nesting. He's only seen it happen twice. Once when his sister was beginning to present and again when Jeff's brother Liu chose a place to nest at the mansion.

He decided it was best to leave them alone.

The omega began placing the jacket in its correct spot before plopping down, purring happily. An hour or two passed before they began to get antsy again. Something more was missing and the omega begrudgingly knew what. With a small growl, they went back to the living room where Toby lay on the couch, eyes closed in rest.

His eyes opened when he sensed the omega's presence. Pouting, y/n grabbed his hand and began pulling.

"Can I help you?" He chucked, getting up.

"Come." The omega dragged him toward the closet and pointed to their nest. "You go here."

Confused, Toby obliged.

"Okay, 'mega. Now what?"

"Now we sleep." Y/n plopped beside him, now content again. Toby remained at a loss for what to do. The omega stared at him expectantly.

"Well...?"

Racking his brain and wondering that the fuck it was the omega could be wanting, he lay there confused. Until it hit him. Omega's often seek approval of their nests. Without another Omega here to approve, he had to fill that role.

"Its comfy. I like it."

With a happy hum, the omega snuggled up beside him and drifted off while Toby lay there dumbfounded at what he got himself into.

Until he realized. After nesting, comes heat.

.....fuck.

#made this one longer because i got a lot of good responses from the first #i hope you like it #s/o has Stockholm syndrome now xD #ticci toby x reader #toby rogers #creepypasta headcanon #creepypasta blog #creepypasta #omegaverse #abo universe

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Home - Part 20

A/N- Hey!! So this part is just fluff! Lol and a few time jumps as we near the end! 💕

12 weeks pregnant.

Bucky and I had just come out from my 12 week scan, Dr Forester said everything was looking great which was a huge relief! We were currently sat in the car looking at the newest scan photos.

"i cant believe how much has changed since the last scan! You can actually see their babies now!" I said shaking my head "The weeks are flying by Buck!"

"I know! They'll be here in no time" Bucky said his eyes comically wide before he started laughing "i can't wait".

"Me either, now we just have to tell the girls" i looked over at Bucky biting my lip nervously "do you think they will take it well?"

"You kidding me? They'll be so excited baby"

"Yeah?"

"Of course!"

"God i hope so" i mumbled as my hand stroked over my tiny bump, it didnt take long before Bucky's hand reached over to join mine.

"You have nothing to worry about i promise" he kissed me quickly "i cant wait for them to know so you stop hiding this cute little bump".

I rolled my eyes at him before chuckling at the man i loved. Bucky was obsessed with the tiny bump i had, his hands resting over it any chance he got.

"Come on lets go break the news".

When we got inside we found Steve fast asleep on the sofa the girls asleep all around him, Rosie was on his chest, Brooke and Allie tucked into each side.

"Oh my god how cute is that" i smiled down at them pulling out my phone to snap a photo.

"They must have had a busy day at school huh" Bucky laughed "Lets get dinner sorted while they sleep, we can tell them later".

We were all sat around the dining room table an hour later eating dinner, Steve stayed too of course!

"Daddy can i have some more juice please, im thirsty" Allie looked up at Bucky while tapping his arm.

"Sure sweetheart"

"I'll grab it i'm gonna grab another beer anyway" Steve said pushing his chair back and heading towards the kitchen.

"Grab me one too please" Bucky called after his friend.

"Hey, are these the new scan photo's?" Steve called through before holding up the photo's from todays session as he walked back in with Allie's juice and a couple of beers.

"Yeah take a look" Bucky nodded proudly.

"OMG..... look at that!"

"What are you looking at Uncle Steve?" Brooke asked trying to look over at the photo.

"Um, its a secret" he said with a look of panic on his face, he knew we hadn't said anything to the girls yet and he didn't want to be the one who told them.

"Bucky why don't you tell the girls what Uncle Steve is looking at?"

"Yeah?"

"Go for it" i chuckled nervously, hoping they would be happy with the news.

"Okay, girls..... Y/N is pregnant! She's gonna be having a baby... two babies actually"

"TWO?!" Brooke asked with wide eyes.

"Yeah sweetheart, its twins" i smiled.

"Oh my god thats so cool!"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah!.... but wait, am i gonna have more sisters? I really want a brother" Brooke suddenly asked making me Bucky and Steve burst out laughing.

"We don't know yet, its still a little early" Bucky told her as Allie slipped off of her chair and walked over to stand in front of me. She stood there staring down at my belly looking confused.

"You okay babe?" I asked her stroking back some loose bits of hair from her face.

"There's two babies in there?" She asked pointing to my tummy with her head tipped to one side.

"There is"

"How? They wont fit in there"

"Their still really tiny at the moment Al, but they will get alot bigger soon".

She walked closer and put a hand against my tummy before whispering "hi, I'm Allie. Im your big sister"

It was the cutest thing ever!!!

"They can't hear you Allie" Brooke rolled her eyes at her little sister.

"Sure they can!" Bucky added quickly seeing Allie looking like she was about to get upset.

"They can?" Allie asked as she fell into my arms wanting a cuddle.

"Of course! Thats how they know who you are when their born"

"Sounds stupid" she huffed with attitude giving Allie the stink eye "I hope i have brothers this time"

"We need some more boys around here, Buck and I are outnumbered already" Steve added.

"I totally agree with Steve, but i'll be happy either way" Bucky laughed.

"Well we'll find out soon enough".

Rosie didn't really understand what was going on yet, i think it will effect her more once the twins are here and she's no longer the baby of the family.

The girls were all in bed and Steve had gone home..... i sometimes wondered if he lived here too! I was laying on the sofa watching a movie while Bucky was making me a cup of tea, i had just started to fall asleep when i heard the tiptoeing of a sneaky child who should be asleep! I kept my eyes closed and waited to hear Bucky tell them to get back to bed.

"Hi.... I'm Brooklyn, I'm your biggest sister" i suddenly heard her whispering next to me "i'll take good care of you i promise...."

"Brooke....whatcha doing hun?"

"Um nothing..... i couldn't sleep"

"You wanna come lay with me a while?" I offered holding out my arms, Brooke wasnt usually one for cuddles, she liked to act like she was too old for that. But she surprised me when she nodded and came to cuddle with me.

"Y/N.... i want the babies to know who i am so I'm gonna talk to them all the time"

"Ok hun, thats fine" i chuckled kissing the top of her hair.

"What are you doing out of bed lil miss?" Bucky asked walking in with mugs of tea before sitting back down next to me so i was leaning against him.

"Couldn't sleep"

"I said she can stay with us and watch the rest of the movie then bed"

"Okay okay" he smiled and we all got snuggled on the sofa....10 minutes later Brooke was fast asleep.

20 weeks pregnant.

Waking up with awful heartburn (AGAIN!) i looked over at my phone on the bedside table to check what time it was, 5:15am! Jesus! Id had it bad for the past couple of days now and it was driving me crazy. I slipped out of bed to go head downstairs for a glass of milk and noticed Bucky was already gone.

I poured myself a glass of milk and while i stood in the kitchen taking a few sips i heard the grunting from the basement. Ooh! Bucky must be working out! I smiled to myself before quietly making my way down there. When Bucky and the girls moved in he made the basement into his gym being as it was never used. I stood in the doorway watching Bucky laid on his back making the most beautiful noises as he lifted some weights. I bit my lip as i leaned against the doorframe watching him....admiring him.

"Ahh fuck!" He moaned lifting the weights above his head once again.

I squeezed my thighs together as the sinful sounds shot straight to my core.

"Jesus christ" i mumbled to myself, my eyes raking over his body....

"Hey doll" the sound of his voice making me snap out of the lust fuelled trance i was in.

"Hey"

"You okay? You look a little flushed" he asked looking smug as he dropped the weights and sat up.

"Mmhmm I'm great, just admiring the view!" I smirked taking a sip of the milk while looking at him, his navy t-shirt clinging to his chest....

"Heartburn still?" He asked noticing the glass of milk in my hand.

"Yep" i nodded as my free hand stroked over my growing bump "your boys hate me i swear" i chuckled.

"They don't hate you" he chuckled shuffling over to me on his knees, he placed his hands either side of my stomach and pressed a kiss to my bump.

"Come back to bed Buck.....watching you down here has turned me on like crazy!"

"Oh really!?"

"So much, i need you.... now!"

"How about i just take you right here, huh?" He smirked pulling me down into his lap.

"Fuck yes!" I groaned before kissing him hard and grinding down onto him.

"Your insatiable baby" Bucky mumbled making me laugh.

"Pregnancy hormones are out of control i swear" i chuckled "everything you do turns me on!"

"Is that right?" Bucky said as he slipped a hand into my panties and moaned instantly "god doll your soaked already!"

"I was soaked the second i walked in and heard you making those noises Buck"

"Don't worry, i'll take care of you".

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#bucky imagine #bucky barnes fanfiction #sebastianstan #bucky barnes x reader #sebastian stan #home

[katslitg]

how the open heart lis would react to you being pregnant. (obvs jackie’s pregnant in her scenario.)

Jackie Varma:

god she’d be pissed!!!!!!

“what do you mean positive??? check the other ten tests!!!!”

“jack, all of them say posi-“ “shut up!!!”

she’d be mad, mostly at herself for not being careful enough

pregnancy on top of money problems is rough

good thing you two already live together

wouldnt acknowledge it until she started showing

“dr varma, ure pregnant???” “yeah, just ignore it.”

shed ignore you at the beginning, not knowing what to do

“jackie, c’mon, you cant keep ignoring me! it takes to two to tango!” “i can and i will,”

when you finally force her to come shopping for baby clothes, supplies, furniture etc, she loves it

“omg look how adorable! can you believe our baby’s feet are this small!”

she’d become insecure further into the pregnancy

“what if im not going to be a good mom, hm?”

“don’t say that, jack, you’ll be a great mom,”

you two would move into the your room, since it had a better view and change her room into a nursery

the boys would help you put everything together.

“bryce, that’s not where its supposed to be- ykw forget it.”

“jesus, dr ramsey do you even know how to-“ bryce would shut up just seeing ethan give him a glare

“see i knew raf would come around to save the day” she’d flirt with him, making him blush

cutest mood swings ever!!!

“all im saying is he’s a fucking jerk and i- ohhh sienna are those donuts?”

jackie would get stressed at the weirdest moments, and you kiss her and cuddle with her to calm her down

“mc, you know i hate kids, why did this have to happen to us!!!!”

she’d slowly come to terms with the fact that she was going to become a parent

god giving birth would scare this woman, and trust me not a lot of things scare her

“mc, what if-“ “jack, breath, everything will be fine!”

when you two found out you’d have a daughter she smiled

“at least i wont have to deal with a little mc” she’d joke

when she got in labour she’d curse at everyone!!!

“AND YOU! YOU MC ARE THE WORST ONE HERE! GETTING ME PREGNANT AND THAN MAKING ME DO THE HARD PART I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!”

“uhhh....”

after a couple of years, the three of you would move into a bigger apartment, still close to the hospital

god, your daughter absolutely lovessssssssss aunt sienna and uncle elijah!!!! these two dorks would hang around with her all the time

“dad, can i stay at aunt sienna’s after school?”

“she’s working today sweetheart but mommy will be there to pick you up”

you two would have some sweet, annoying nicknames for her

love, sweetheart, sugar, honey etc

Bryce Lahela:

he’d be excited and scared

he would freeze when he found the positive pregnancy test in his trashcan

“i wanted to tell you but seems like you already found out,”

he’d shut you out and be less loud at work

“bryce, please talk to me” “uhh, cant have a long shift today”

but one day you’d show up to his apartment, keiki opened the door

“oh hey keiki, is bryce home?” “yeah come in”

youd try to get him to talk but man he was not feeling it

“i just need some space mc,”

wouldnt even take a week for him to come over and apologize to you

“im just not sure if i’d make a good dad, i mean i had two bad examples growing up, what if i-“

youd cut him off with a kiss

“no need to stress, bryce, im certain you will make a great dad!”

you two would have to look for a bigger place, and also someone to fill your spot at the apartment

sienna, elijah and jackie would help you decorate the nursery

“jackie those colours do not match with the blankets i bought” sienna would say while jackie just rolled her eyes

“well maybe you shouldn’ve bought so! many! blankets!” jackie said while holding up multiple blankets

“guys please its mc and bryce’s child we can’t fight over this” elijah was the only one who would think rationally

when you found out you were having a son bryce almost jumped into the air

“a little bryce,,,,” he’d say with heart eyes, making you roll your eyes

when you went into labour, he’d be the one freaking out

“can’t believe im saying this when im the one in labour, but good god bryce calm down!”

uncle raf!!!!! aunt kyra!!!!!

rafael and kyra would absolutely adore your son!!!! theyd fight over whose turn it was to babysit

“kyra, you had him last weekend!” “but mc said he always talks about how fun aunt kyra is!”

“why dont you two take him to the park together? he loves both aunt kyra and uncle rafael equally” bryce would say, making the two adults reluctantly agree

“finally a moment alone with the woman of my dreams” he said the second they left, making you chuckle

keiki would hang out with your son. occasionally.

“aunt keiki can you read me a bedtime story?” “right. im aunt keiki.”

she’d love it secretly

Rafael Averio: (pretending sora doesnt exist here lol)

this man would beam with joy!!!

he had always dreamt of having a big family of his own

“youre pregnant?” “yeah.... i-“ he’d kiss you before you could even say anything else

would brag to everyone about it

“do you guys know im goin-“ “going to be a dad? yes raf you told us like a million times” his paramedic friends would say

it was even funnier when you saw how some people avoided him because of it

would not leave ur side

“jesus ever heard of personal space?” “oops sorry”

he’d be at ur apartment all the time

“raf, not that we don’t enjoy you being here but don’t you idk have other friends?” jackie would try to get him out of the house

sienna’d be fine with it since he would help her cook n bake stuff

“i didnt know you cooked!” “not really just some stuff i picked up from my grandma”

he’d sleep over at your apartment

when you got insecure he’d talk to you and make u forgot about it in a certain way ;)

“what if im not a good mom? or what if your fanily doesn’t approve of me?? oh good god this is not going how i imagined-“ “relax, you know my family loves you, now get over here”

you’d move in with him, and get someone to fill ur spot in the apartment

the two of you going to the senior center together!!!

“now edith you better not get to comfortable” you’d joke, earning a laugh from rafael

kyra and bryce would come over and help with the nursery, of course it was after the boys’ gym day so bryce dragged ethan with them

“hey gu- oh hey dr ramsey!” you’d say with a bright smile when you opened the front door.

“kyra not that i dont love you but what even is this?” “yeah i tried to make a blanket but as you can see it backfired”

“uhm ethan you sure that this is the color we picked out?” bryce would panic, knowing damn well they didnt do the one you asked them to do right

“well good thing aunt kyra did got the good color” she’d go get it from the car while the two men started at her in confussion

when you found out you were having a girl he got super excited

“a little mc running around the house” he’d say, already coming up with names

when you’d go into labour he’d put up a calm gentle persona while in reality he wanted to screammmmm

uncle bryce n aunt jackie!!!

u cant tell me bryce n raf havent become close friends

“hey dad can uncle bryce and aunt jackie stay for dinner?” “sweetie youre ignoring the rest of our guests”

even tho they would admit it bryce and jackie loved babysitting her

“do you want to come with uncle bryce?” “bryce thats enough its MY day!”

his family would come around often, bringing gifts every single time

his grandma would try to get him to propose, earning glares from him

when your daughter heard juliana say something along the lines of “when is the wedding” she’d get super excited!!!

“are you two really getting married??!!”

Ethan Ramsey:

you two would already be in an awkward position bc of the gwyneth thing

what was worse was that he admitted to not wanting to get married and have children

god, that little fight on the way to leland and at house took a toll on you, so when june came to check on you back in the hospital you told her

“so, youre pregnant?” “yeah” you’d sob

she wouldnt force you to tell her who the dad is, but it was obvious

before the fight you’d always come to the diagnostics team’s meetings with a smile on your face but now it was a neutral face or sometimes even a frown

soooo ethan found out. not directly from you, but from june, resulting in another fight

“you told june but not me?” “you dont even want kids i cant just casually bring it up!”

the awkwardness would be there for a while, im talking 2-3 months

“enough already! you two talk this out! not only is this bad enough for the two of you but also for me and baz! think about us! and our patients!” june’d snap one day

you’d talk it out, still awkward around each other

“jesus, ethan we can’t keep doing this, i have an appointment to check on the little one, you want to join?” you would try to keep the awkwardness at a certain level, he’d nod with a smile on his face

so when he found out he was having a son, he’d be happy, still very scared but very happy

“im sorry, mc. i acted as a jerk and didnt listen to your needs. i want to be in your and our baby’s lives.”

he’d ask you to move in with him, which you reluctantly agreed to, i mean there wasnt even enough space for a nursery in your apartment

sienna would invite herself and elijah over to help you with the nursery , since they knew about you two since that time after the hearing

“thank you, trinh,” ethan would say as he accepted the cookies she had baked

“i helped too. just so you know” elijah chimed in, earning a chuckle from you

god labour was the worst, you had to do an emergency c section since it was a bit too early for the baby to be born

so when they send your son off to the nicu, ethan would be there the whole time, very worried

“dr ramsey, you should go we’ll take care of him” the nurses would try to get him out of there with no luck, “no its fine i just want to stay here”

when you two could finally go home he would make sure to never youre side

“mc do you need anything? want me to bring you something to drink? maybe an extra blanke-“ “ethan shut uppppppppppppppppp its 3 am”

of course your friends would come over but not as often since they had to take care of their interns and stuff

uncle baz and aunt june!!!!!

“AUNT JUNE!!!!” he’d yell when you, june and baz picked him up from the daycare at the hospital

“wow so youre just ignoring uncle baz?” baz would act hurt, making the boy laugh

#hope this is sorta ok lmfao #open heart #jackie varma #bryce lahela #rafael aveiro #ethan ramsey #jackie x mc #bryce x mc #rafael x mc #ethan x mc #open heart hc #headcanon

[mollydollyjournals]

Wednesday 30th June, 155lbs. Not all that happy about that... i knew i wasnt going to get a huge weught drop today but its still annoying that its slightly higher than yesterday. I guess if its partly due to fluctuation then thats okay, but i cant really know.

-- im just gonna add here that since i got this phone the autocorrect/autofill situation really hasnt improved much so i guess i just make loads of typos now. Its irritating but i really cant be fucked to keep going back correcting everything so if you see me typo no you didnt --

I sort of feel smaller and sort of dont. Cant really tell. I didnt take my measurements when i got up - i could do it now but first thing is always best so idk. I should take a photo too. Wednesday will be my photo day i guess. Im nervous about that one. Thats where i need to see at least some difference from last week...but i dont know if there will be and if there isnt then im gonna feel really bad. And im not sure what time of day i took the other ones or anything like that. So maybe its not consistent? Ugh

I wanted to be 154 tomorrow, which is still possible if todays weight is a fluctuation. I mean i guess i could also get it by dehydrating myself today but water weight loss doesnt count. Im not really sure what to do. I had my usual salad breakfast. I still feel really tired. I woke up kind of early so could be i didnt get enough sleep, but it could be anything really. But i know ill struggle to do much physically today. Which means im gonna be stuck in the same situation later where i know i should eat something else but im scared ill gain weight so instead i starve and then im still exhausted the next day etc etc it all continues.

I just want so badly to get under the 150s. I have an event next weekend as well and if id managed to stick to everything from the start id be 147 by then. Its like 9 days away now so theres no way i can do it now. But i still want to get as close as i can. There'll be photos and stuff and i dont wanna have to explain that yes ive done my hair and makeup and am wearing at least vaguely nice clothes but no i still dont think i can handle being in photos because im fat

Hb is asking if i wanna go out today which feels weird but its an easy way for me to get some physical activity without pushing too hard. We just walk in the woods and stuff. I cant go by myself, and this way if i start feeling lightheaded or somethi g then i have someone to help me out. So ill do that. Hopefully i wont feel horrific.

I really want a cigarette. I smoked a bit these past couple of weeks but i finished the pack a couple of days ago. Still craving it now. I dont smoke regularly anymore, i dont even use nicotine at all, but occasionally i want a cigarette or two...i get the absolute lightest ones i can find (silk cut silver/mayfair fine if i cant find those/ideally vogue platine but i dont think ive ever seen those in england) and have one or a few, usually if im drinking out somewhere. So i especially didnt smoke much this past year. With that in mind, its kind of weird that my cravings are spiking now. But i think its not just the chemical craving thats the issue for me - im in a mindset where im just craving Things in general, so this is another one of those things.

Wednesday would be a drinking day, but i drank on monday so i shouldnt today. I cant drink on friday because i want to on saturday. Which means i can drink tomorrow, and probably should if i feel like i cant get to saturday. I definitely want to drink today though. Its annoying. I really want to drink and smoke and play music and just be decadent. But nome of it really helps the stuff i need to change.

Ill drink a load of water, do this walk, see how i feel later. I should probably make myself eat dinner, so ill just make sure i have 'safe' options. I want to have energy, but i also need to lose weight. I need to feel okay in my body. I need to not hate the look and feel of myself. I cant do it anymore

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

What You Deserve

A/N- This is not actually part of the story, its a unused story that I spent a couple weeks writing so I didnt have the heart to delete it although I scrapped it from the original story line. So please know that I did use some of these scenes in my rewrite. 

Summary- 5.7k Curtis Evertt and Y/N. Early Years. You sit with a dying member of the train and listen to her talk about her late husband, and the idea of Soulmates crosses your mind. Do they exist? 

Warnings- Death, Almost a Non Con situation. Curtis having doubts that hes good enough. Boom, got them all I think. 

You sat with the older woman, Sheri for some time that day, perched on the end of her bunk, one leg folded underneath you and one dangling over the edge, her hand interlaced with your own. Sheri was dying your mother informed you that morning, and you simply couldnt let her pass off all alone. Your fingers interlaced with hers in that moment, yours young soft and supple, to her knobby jointed ones, age spots sprinkled across what felt like paper thin softness, like you press to hard it would fall apart. Every now and then a weak wet cough would spring forth, and you would lean forward to pat her mouth softly of any spittle that happened to escape. It was the least you could do for her, try to let her keep her dignity.

“Child, you shouldnt be here watching this.” Sheri would sputter, hazy eyes narrowing at you, knowing you wouldnt leave even if she was to send you away.

You shrugged, and resettled the blankets. “Where else would I go Sheri? Mom and Dad have everything all set in the medic bay, and I got lonely. Who better to keep me company?”

She snorted and coughed once more, raising her hand to wipe at her mouth before you could. “Hmmm, well Curtis comes to mind.”

You blush a bit and look away, which she grinned seeing your lovesick reaction. “Uh huh... Sheri, hes just a friend. And hes got better things to do. Like getting ready with McGregor.” Sheri rolled her eyes at you, and shifted to make herself more comfortable. “Child, ive see the way you two look at one another. I might be old, Im not blind. If you two would just admit your feelings are more then friends, then who knows. Might be the best thing you ever experience. I remember when I told Nathan how I felt. He was all stumbling over his words, spilling it as well.”

You chuckle at her memory, remembering Nathan well when you first came on the train, he was fiercly protective of his wife, and doted on Sheri, loved her with his last breath. You encourage her to speak more of her past, how Nathan and her had a whirlwind romance that ended with the two of them eloping. How when her father found out, he banned her from the house, and the first home she shared with Nathan was nothing more then a room with a bathroom, it was all they needed to start. “It got better, he was accepted to a university, and worked as a janitor at night, I was a waitress in a small off the interstate diner, along with babysitting. It was hard, but we appreciated all that we had.” Sheris eyes slipped closed and she mumbled. “Okay, Im gonna nap now, come back later Y/N, and we will talk some more.” the womans head tipped to the side, and you stayed long enough to be sure she was sleeping.

Drawing your way out, you are sure to slide the curtain closed for her privacy, and start making another round to see to other people, chat with them, just see if they need anything in general. You dont notice the wandering eyes following you, weaving through the people till you got to a quiter part of the tail end. You didnt notice, not until its to late when an arm shoots out in front of you, making you pause momentarily as it blocked you. “What the... Eric, what do you want?” You try to duck under his arm, but the mans grasp on your arm pauses you. A glance his way showed a handsome young man, blond locks curling around green eyes, that glinted coldly at you, and he firmly without any choice of your own backed you against the wall. “See youve been playing little home nurse again Y/N”

“Just helping mom and dad, can you please let go?” You try tugging your arm from his grasp and his other hand came up to your face to trace the curve, obviously not ready to loosen his hold, for whatever reason you would clam up around him, your heart fluttering and your breath quickening. Some would think it was innocent attraction. But it was more fear of what he would eventually do to you if given the chance. 

“When you going to let me kiss you huh? I dont see why you keep fighting me on this.” He hovered closer, his breath washing over your face and you wrinkle your nose at it. It was hot and sour to you, you tried to pull back but there was no where else to go, so the back of your head would thump against the cold metal wall.

“Im not, I dont want to and you cant change my mind.” You wriggle once more trying to get him to stop digging into your arm. “So how about you go find one of the other girls? I know there are plenty who want to be with you.”

“To easy, I rather like the one who denies me” His voice dropped deeper, making you panic sightly. His eyes, you hated the way he would stare at you, following you from wherever he was, like you were a prize to be had. "I figured it's about time I change your mind about it though." You strain out of his touch on your face and go to push against his chest to stumble him back.

"I said no! Fuck no would I ever be with you, let alone kiss you" you snap at him, turning to leave, put distance between you two, back in a crowd. Eric was to coward to try to anything with people around. He snarled though, wrapping an arm around you.

Effectively he pinned your arms helpless and your back against your chest, falling back harder then you expected, making you helpless, his hand clasped over your mouth, effectively muffling any protests you had. "What you think your to good for someone like me sweetheart. If your good enough to get Curtis's dick wet, think you can mine as well without this much of a fight." Your eyes widened at his words. I haven't, were not, stop... Your panic is washing over you, and he manipulated your head to fall back to his shoulder, lemmegolemmegolemmego, you try twisting out. Then he pressed his face in your neck, and bit you, what started as a sloppy kiss turned into a bruising bite, screaming at the shock of pain and you try kicking him hard enough in the leg behind you to drop him. The tread of your boot slid down the inside of his leg, and he pushed you away from him to crash you against the trains wall, hard enough to bounce you off, making you groan from the harsh impact.

Erics hand whipped you around, effectively pinning you with his body. No way to leverage a kick again, and hands pinned your arms down to keep from attacking. "Fucken shit head!" Your voice raised into yelling at him, where was everyone? It was eerily quiet and no one around, he smirked at your struggles, dawning on you when you saw how turned on, felt how turned on. That foreign bulge dug into your belly. "Keep struggling Y/N, just makes me hard for you, so cute thinking you don't want this."

"Your vile Eric, like those front end pigs" nothing but disgust dripping from your tone, trying to hide your fear. But he knows, it just widens his predatory grin knowing your words were masking the fear coursing through your veins. His lips hovered so close, mocking tone as he brushed them barely against yours, as you tried tilting your face away. “Come on Y/N, just one little kiss for me. Do it and I will let you go.”

You glare at him and spit, right in the fuckers face, it runs down his eyes and nose, and you smirk at him as he starts cussing and wiping his face on his sleeve. “You little fucken cunt whore! Nasty pig think you can get away with that shit?!” His hand releases you and goes to hit you when a grasp catches his wrist, wrenching it back. Both yours and Erics eyes go wide in surprise, and you see Curtis glowering behind him, firmly twisting Erics arm hard, then harder again he snarls out. “She sure as fuck is gonna get away with it. I think she told you no”

Curtis jerked Erics arm further and a crack was followed by Eric screaming and letting you go, you slid away from his grasp, Curtis jerking him forward to take where he had you pinned before. They were evenly matched in size, but Curtis had him crushed between his body and metal, his face distorted as you glanced up. It struck you in this moment just how opposite these two men were. Curtis never once raised his voice in the time youve known him,but he had to raise above Erics squealing out in pain and anger. “When a person tells you no, It fucken mean no. You owe Y/N an apology.” He pulled Eric off the wall, and kicked at the back of his knees to drop him in front of you.

Curtis loomed over him, his arm still firmly twisted up between his shoulder blades, and growled in the mans ear. “Say it, or Im going to wrench it right off your body.”

“Im sorry!” you could see the effort it took Eric to say it, but Curtis clearly wasnt satisfied.

“AGAIN!” This time he really roared, Eric cowering a bit, and remorseful, he started again.

“Im sorry Y/N, I promise to never touch you again!” Curtis glances at you and nods that its okay, he had him firmly and you stepped forward, grasping the mans hair, and tipping his head back.

“Touch me ever again, or ANYONE on this train, your dead, do you hear me Eric? I will have no problem watching you die, either by my hand or another. Am. I. Fucking. CLEAR?”

“Yes! god yes, just let me go, it wont happen again.” Eric pleads, and you step away from Eric, and circle around to Curtis’s side. Shoving him harshly away, Eric rolled to a stand and clutched his arm, racing away as fast as he could. The coward, would probably make up some lie to cover face when he made it to your father went to reset the arm. You stood next to Curtis, still fuming. Your fear from earlier forgotten, now you were just enraged watching where the coward disappeared.

“Hey, he aint gonna try messing with you again.” Curtis let his hand rest against your shoulder, looking down at you. He couldnt help but admire you in your rage and fury. Your cheeks were flushed red, and whisps of your hair curled around your face, your eyes bright as you dragged in air sharply to blow it out. Then you turned your gaze, softening just looking at him, and could see you start to loose that edge of your temper. He did that for you.. Curtis gaze softened in return and you turn into him, sliding your arms around his waist and pressing your face in against his chest.

“Thank you for looking out for me Curtis.” his hands braced against your back and seemed to envelope you. If possible he would just hold you like that for alot longer, but you pulled away, keeping it just friends. Maybe you noticed the way his heart jumped, or the way his throat caught in his throat. And it had been that way for monthes now, seeing you in this whole other way. Since that night you fought him, trying to defy that you would ever eat again. Something shifted that day, and yet he held back from telling you, mentioning it. Honestly he didnt deserve someone like you, for all the blackness in his soul. It was better you two just stay this. Stay friends. 

“Your welcome Y/N, I came to let you know Sheri, shes asking for you specifically. Your mom asked me to come get you.” Curtis was about to walk you back, but your eyes widened, and you sprinted up the aisle and out of sight before he could even think to catch up. Unsure of why you were rushing, he followed along behind, and hovered nearby, seeing glimpses of your hair as you were ducked in the bunk, and worried about intruding, he inched forward a bit enough to hear you, make sure it was all okay. Your voice was soft, almost sorrowed as you spoke. 

“Im here Sheri, Im sorry I didnt come sooner...” 

Unintelligible to Curtis at the moment, it only sounded older, raspier and you gave a small chuckle at whatever was said. 

“I already told you, were friends, Curtis and I.” your voice seems to be teasing at this, and guilt at eavesdropping, Curtis turned away from the two of them, those last words echoing in his minds. Friends. Thats all they were, and all they would ever be. He had to accept it. You werent really his, and he needed to stop feeling responsible for you.  The thought alone made him feel slightly depressed and heavy in his chest, hollow. It made him feel hollow, and he fell right in line with the others shuffling to the front to collect there daily rations. 

You curled up near Sheris side, in the time you left her, she just gotten worst, and the both of you knew it really was just a matter of time now. For a while Sheri fell back into stories of the past, mixing You and Nathan up, once in a while she will talk to you like you were her husband. Her soft knobby hands grasping yours, and a smile etching on her tired face. 

“Im so tired Nathan, whats it like?” She would say with her eyes closed, and you with your head slightly bowed, trying not to let your tears fall yet, you put on a smile instead and nod softly. 

“Yea Sheri Dear, its nice. All love and kindness. You never hurt, your always warm and we can be together.” 

“But is there Hershey Bars Nathan? And dont you lie to me, cause I always know.” 

You laugh slightly at it, barely remembering them yourself, but you do your best. “Of course, every day I will get you all the chocolate you want.” 

Sheri hums as if happy, and her eyes open, looking up at you. “Oh child you dont have to stay.” Back to herself again, she folded her hands around yours and patted them softly. “Thank you for sitting with me, Nathan told me hes waiting for me, and Im ready to go... Im ready to see him again, My Nathan.” She slowed her movements and drifted off to sleep. At some point your mother checks in on you. “Want me to sit with her and you go get some sleep?” 

A gentle shake of your head and smile, youve done this before... the silent wait, the death watch. “No, its okay. I will see you in the morning.” Your mother nods with understanding, life on the train, these past 10 years made you grow up faster then you should. It did for all of you. 

You sat there with her, refusing to leave this time, still holding her hand, that was limp and warm in your own, tracing over her knuckles and along the top of her hand, aged, weathered. Nothing really last forever, and in these thoughts Sheri drifted away, in her sleep. Just as she wanted. 

When you felt her just, become a body once more, you let your tears run free now, falling in the womans blankets, while you readjust her to cover her completely, shifting to a stand a bit weak legged from the hours you were there. You went to find your mother, but see shes sleeping, both your parents are. Looking up and down the aisle, you really dont want to be alone, not now. Not after having to say goodbye. It was moments like these you missed your little brother, having someone to hold in your arms and remember all the good memories through your sorrow.

Without even thinking about it, you wander, and soon your standing in front of a bunk youve never been into, but you knew who was there. You could hear him snore softly, and shift in his sleep. A soft rustle of his coat, a shadow in the darkness. Your heart catches, and it aches. It aches for your friend, for how excited she was to see her husband again. How you dont know if she really was though. “Curtis?” Your voice is soft, your not even sure you said it. But within seconds he sleepily stuck his head out, and hand wiping at his eyes and brows coming together in concern. “Y/N? Whats wrong? Are you okay?” 

You nod softly and maybe you shouldnt, it was such an odd request but it bubbles right out of your throat into words. “I dont... I dont want to be alone, please?” Your gaze lifts and it takes him a few seconds to register what your asking for, when it clicks, he doesnt even hesitate, his hand reaching out to grasp yours and help you up. Maybe he should send you home, send you back. But your looking so fragile in the dark, alone. 

When you settled in, Curtis felt the bunk warm up between you two, and you laid curled up near his side, not touching , but nearby. Your breathing was fast paced and uneasy. Nervous... Fuck shes nervous. He turned to his side, and reached out to grasp your chin lightly to look up at him, since you had your face tucked down. “Y/N, want to tell me whats going on?” Curtis figured it was best to get to the bottom of what was bothering you, why you came to seek him like this. 

“Do you believe in soulmates and such Curtis?” You start to loosen up, folding your hands under your head as you roll to your side as well, looking back at him. Curtis brow furrowed a bit at the very odd question from you, and gave a light shrug at it. “Im not entirely sure Y/N, I never thought about it honestly. My folks werent exactly the most loving towards each other, kinda like... “ He tried to think of how to compare them to that you might remember. “Al and Peggy Bundy from that comedy. I dont know if you would even know what Im talking about. But anyways, always kinda mean to one another, but they just stayed together. Soulmates? I dont know if they exist. Why?” 

You vaguely recalled what he was talk about, the theme song playing a bit through your mind, you remembered your dad watching it, but you never paid attention to what he was watching. “Yea I know what your talking about Curtis. I was sitting with Sheri during her last bit, and she thought I was her husband. It just... she talked to him like they hadnt missed a beat, although its been years. I did my best to give her answers for him. I just, think I witnessed what that would be.” Curtis reached out and wrapped you up in his arms, understanding now that you were saying Sheri was gone. Doing that sit was never easy. Clearly this one effected you. But certainly not in the way he fully expected. 

You let him pull you in close, twisting to lean in against his chest while he held you, his hand was rubbing up and down your back in a comforting manner. It lulled you to close your eyes, and after a few moments, you heard him speak. A rumble in his chest making you stir to look up at him. At this angle, you couldnt see his eyes. “Before this, did you believe in that notion? Soul mates, think they could find each other in a life like this?” Curtis question made you pull up to sit next to him, so you could properly see him. See if he was teasing you, although he didnt have that tone he did when he was, or if he was being serious in his question. Crystal blue eyes stared up at you, with nothing but seriousness, and maybe hope? 

You studied Curtis for a few moments, and as sometimes happened to you, your heart seemed to speed just a bit, and you smiled at him softly, nodding. “I do Curtis, call me a hopeless romantic but we have to have hope right? Why not hope that we can find something so complete in even this hell.” You shrug and tip your head against your shoulder in that optimistic way before dropping your shrug. It was then he pushed up to sit as well, and he pulled at his lip with a drag of his teeth, seeming to think. You waited him out, your hands folding in your laps and looking at him wide eyed. 

Why do you look at him like that. His resolve weakening. You were so innocent looking up at him, patient as always for him to find the words, for him to decide, for him to get rid of that guilt that he doesnt deserve you in a way more then this. You were probably the reason he hasnt done anything to reckless and gotten himself killed. Fuck it Curtis... Resolve sliding over his face and his hands cupped the sides of your face, so soft under his touch, just as he knew you would be. Soft for him, he only wanted you to ever be soft for him like this, wanting to feel you press against him, the warmth of your breath whispering into his ear that you needed him. How many times had he thought this, wanted this. And now, you were staring up at him just waiting for him to tell you all this. 

“Can I kiss you Y/N?” He asked, ready to pull back the moment you looked appalled by his request, and you never utter those words, nothing changes but a quickening of your breath, and a nervous lick of your lips. Curtis wonders, have you ever been asked before? He was patient, he could wait, would wait till your ready. Its something you never admitted to yourself, but yes... you really wanted that kiss. A dip of your head and a soft “Yes” was given. 

Thumbs circled over her cheekbones, and you held your breath, waiting with anticipation. His features grew soft looking at you, raking over your face for a moment, searching for a no from you before he lowered his head and pressed his lips to yours, they were softer then you been expecting, and a bit lost in what to do. But Curtis started a light nibble, a press of his tongue made you gasp in surprise. A tentative touch of his tongue against your own, and you finally started to relax into it, exploring in your own way. Although Curtis controlled your first kiss, you felt free, a rush of your senses making you pull in closer, your hands sliding up his chest and around the back of his neck. 

Your fingers buried into the back of his shirt, and his own hands slid off your face, and down to your hips to pull you in closer, flushing you into his chest, and a rumbling moan crept from him. You were everything he knew you would be and more. Already it was rushing to his head, feeding a deep seated hunger he had been ignoring for the past ten years since arriving on the train. If he wasnt careful, he was going to do something he might regret, and pulled away, leaving you stunned, and giving a whimper at the loss of his lips against yours. How flushed you looked, shocked, even dare he say a hint of pleasure dazing your eyes. Your lips were swollen from his kiss, and that made him pleased he could make you look like this, just a simple kiss. 

Staring at one another, it was apparent that there was no going back now, no more just best friends. You were still slightly in a daze and Curtis laid back down, his hand circling your arm to tug you to join him. “We should get some sleep.” in which you stretched out next to him. You wanted to say something, but didnt know what. The kiss, unlike anything youve ever experienced and in the dark, your fingers moved to touch your lips, smiling at the memory of it now. The feelings you had for him, had been there a long time, and until now, you never let yourself believe it was a true possibility. 

Curtis on the other hand, well he was cursing himself out for what he just done. You were far to good for him and he should have known better then that. He didnt deserve you, not your honey sweet kisses he just got lost in, or the way you were so sweetly curled up next to him, trying not to intrude. Oh he was fucked... completely fucked. Why did he have to kiss you? He groaned inwards, waiting, just waiting for you to come to your senses. He was a baby murderer, it would happen soon, he was sure. You would remember what he done, and push him away, shut yourself off from him, and then in that moment, Curtis would be all alone on the train. Long after you fallen asleep, Curtis laid wide awake with his thoughts poisoning his mind. 

That next day he had disappeared before you could talk to him, and kept expecting to see him, but you never did. Which was odd, cause he had a habit of finding you at various points in passing. Only place he could be was Gilliams, and that alone made you worry. Not that Gilliam was necessarily bad, but people plotted with him, talks of trying to escape was always so sush around the man, like a man of many secrets. You scolded yourself at your thoughts, knowing Gilliam was a good man. Hes helped all of you so many times, was the leader of your people. If anyone knew you felt this way, your throat closed at the idea of what could happen to you. 

You were soon distracted by a 5 year old named Joey. “Hey, Its almost time, right Y/N?” he said excitedly as he ducked into the medic bay as if he owned the place, pulling on your coat and looking up with a glimmer of hope passing his face, you wink down at him, and take care of the last of the supplies. Whatever was going on with Curtis was going to have to wait. And you pushed the thoughts from your mind.

“Of course, whenever Minister Mason announces that we are passing over bridge, that means its a whole new year, and every new years what do we get?” tapping your finger on your chin, you pretend to ponder. “Oh what is it. They are white, and inside is all that yummy goodness. Hmmmm.... Frog eggs? No way to slimey! maybe a dog egg? Wait dogs dont lay eggs... Maybe a... “ at this point Joey is just about bouncing excitedly, finally bursting out.

“Chicken? Right Y/N Chicken Eggs?! I think they lay eggs.” a slightly confused look crossed his face. “Im not even sure what a chicken is.”  

“Oooh! Thats what they are. And chickens run around on two legs, flap there wings and are big fluffy butts.” You cross your eyes at Joey and mimic flapping your arms, making him laugh.

“Like Miz Scarlett?” He asks, and he says it so innocently, you have a hard time not laughing, pressing a finger against his lips. “No no, she certainly doesnt look like a chicken.” Although she did that one time her nice feather down coat split down the back and feathers scattered through the tail end. You all still found the occasional feather fluttering through the aisle. Plus the woman had the tendency to be a bit over dramatic, flailing her arms around whenever she had to prove a point. Joey always had been an observant kid.

The two of you chatted about what else New Years brought, while heading out into the aisle to return him back to his mother. “were gonna have a cele-celebratition?” You chuckle and repeat the word properly. “Celebration, and it will be something like that yes.” It wasnt much, usually just a bunch of people sitting around the gate, waiting for there only treat Wilford ever gave them on the train. But it always turned into a good time, people sharing stories, and once in a while a game or two was played. “Gilliam is gonna tell us right?” Joey asks, now looking concerned.

Your brows come together, and nod, giving his little hand a squeeze. “Of course Buddy, were not gonna miss out on the best day ever, right? I will come make sure your there with everyone else.” You smile at him to assure, and he pulls up, leaping into a lower bunk to crawl over to his mom. “Mom! Y/N said its almost new years, and we get chicken eggs and maybe we get to hear stories and... “ he ended up running out of air and took a deep breath. “and Miz Scarlett doesnt look like a chicken.” You end up covering your mouth,while his mom puts him on her lap and shakes her head. 

“Now Joey, you cant be telling anyone they look like chickens! Jeeze child, what am I going to do with you?” She tickled his side and he went sprawling across the bed, and rolled back up, the excitement tinging his face. “I wont, I wont... I promise!” The PA systems crackles, and you put your finger up to your lip to sush Joey, all of you tipping your head to listen. Minister Masons nasal voice crackled and stated. 

“We just passed the bridge, and another year on Wilfords Miracle Train. How lucky we have all been to be here for this miraculous day. Mr.Wilford is providing everyone a treat to celebrate, be sure to come up to the front in a ORDERLY fashion, and be sure to thank him for his bountiful grace hes bestowed upon us.” 

You roll your eyes to yourself for the fucking dramatics, but you tilt your head and sound excited for Joey. “Come on Kiddo! I bet hes got something real good for us.” The child looks to his mother for permission and she nods, sending him flying out of the bunk to grasp your hand and practically tugging you down the aisle, since its quite a walk for his little legs, he wanted to hurry. “Slow down Joey, we will get there” You laugh, and then Curtis sweeps past you and hauls the kid up in his arms, grinning at you as he turned around, and walked backwards, Joey, wrapping his little arm around his neck. “We got places to be, Dont We Joe?” The little boy gave a very serious nod and looked down to Curtis. “Yes sir we do.” 

“Okay, okay... Im coming!” You pull up alongside Curtis with a sigh like they were being ridiculous, and once they were in sight of the front, Joey started wriggling to get down. “Put me down Curits, I want to go get in line!” in which hes swung down and as soon as his feet hit the grate, he bolts away from the two of you. The both of you hang back while others crowd to form a line. You let yourself lean against his shoulder and look up to catch his attention. “Feels like youve been hiding on me Curtis.” 

“No, just been busy.” He glances at you and away, watching to make sure Joey doesnt get lost in the mayhem. Liar, hes always been a bad liar. You see right through it, and you dip around to stand in front of him. “Say that again Curtis, and mean it this time.” Your mouth curls up in a grin, and he growls a bit under his breath that he had been caught. 

“Listen, yesterday...” he starts, rubbing the back of his neck and looking down. “I took advantage and I shouldnt have.” 

“Curtis Everett, when have I ever done anything I didnt want to do?” You fold your arms over your chest and shake your head. 

“Well...” 

“That doesnt count and you know it.” Giving him a silent warning and he snapped his jaw shut. You step in closer and take a hold of his jacket, fiddling your fingers in it. “Listen to me closely, You didnt take advantage, okay, and Im not going anywhere. It wasnt bad, right?” 

His eyes widened and a shake of his head to get rid of the notion, he couldnt help but touch you again, his hands moving along your arms, up to cup your face again. “Absolutely not, it was... the best kiss ive ever had.” his face softened when he said it out loud. 

A slight blush crept in your cheeks, but to hear him say that, just made you more bold, knowing you werent wrong. You were ready for this moment, and never thought it was possible. “Then why do you fight it?” You asked as you slid up against him, and move to your toes to reach him, cupping the back of his neck, you bring him down to meet you, and more confident this time, you kissed him slowly. This one was yours, and the people started cheering around them at the announcement of the new year. But for Curtis, his world narrowed to the woman in his arms, nothing else existed or mattered for him. You fit in his hold, like you were meant to be. the soulmates questioned flashed through his mind and then you moaned into his mouth, and all thoughts went away for good. 

He knew in that moment, there wasnt going to ever be anyone else. He might not deserve someone like you, but he wasnt going to let you go. 

#curtis everett #curtis everett x y/n #snowpiercer #kinda some non con #death #trauma #chris evans

[unravelling-the-world]

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

#long post #hinatalks #we live in a society #fr fr #when i die....if god is real..i´ll end this once and for all. all of it #i am left with nothing but pain and anger.... i cant even feel anymore. i think i forgot how to

[semiconducting]

just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical. 

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class. 

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other. 

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh). 

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else. 

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove. 

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around. 

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was. 

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

#shut up mega #this ended up being longer and more in depth abt the earlier half of the year than i meant it LOL #a summary of my 2020 i spose #also there's some kinda detailed talk of #suicide ment - #self harm ment - #IM CRYING AFTER WRITING THIS OUT LMAOOOO