#i was going to write a poem about this a few months ago. something about how she'll never see that i'm a better man than her son.

[wlw-mood]

I NEED TO BE EUTHANIZED OH MY GOD?!?!!?

#.txt #sorry being dramatic here #fs #mhm yeah its about him go figure #UR TELLING ME. THE FIRST POEM I WROTE ABOUT HIM WAS FROM 7 MONTHS AGO?!?!? SEVEN?!?!? #IVE BEEN INSANE ABOUT THIS GUY FOR *SEVEN* MONTHS?!???!!?!?????? #someone fucking put me down #i just looked in my notebook cause i was curious when the first one was written. LAST NOVEMBER. #LAST NOVEMBER. #somebody set me on fire #hes gotten FOUR poems #four........ #was thinking about writing a 5th today erm.... #i literally screamed im home alone in my house thinking about SEVEN months #ok moving on. its weird i finally feel a little not incredibly attached to him like. idk how long the feeling will last #but its genuine its nof me trying to make myself detatched cause my feelings got hurt or something #just since i slept over (a week and a half ago) i felt euphoric for a few days then kind of mellowed out #no strong powerful anguish no overwhelming joy just like yeah thats a guy #i mean dont get it twisted hes my friend also hes not just SOME guy #its just im not like craving seeing him. i actually kind of dont want to? its weird. im kind of appreciating the distance #hes been texting me lately. he never texts ever but maybe hes doing it cause hes out of state rn and bored #he says he misses me 😌 slay ! idk im being insane. ill make another text post about not fs related things that are insane in a min

[xzhdjsj]

Isaac x Reader

Isaac rejects you before you can even confess

The Bridgerton S3 sneak peek popped up on my YouTube recently, and I kept imagining the scenario with Isaac SO HERE'S THAT!

I've never actually seen Bridgerton (just a BUNCHHHH of clips on tik tok if that counts), so this isn't accurate at all😭

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

Where did it all go wrong?

Only a few weeks ago you were laughing and chatting with Isaac about another book you’ve crossed off your list. It was a frequent arrangement; he’d invite you for tea and listen as you rant for hours about some new book, he’d never pick up himself. Romance just wasn’t his cup of tea, but he still listened to you. It made you feel a sense of worth, it made you feel seen. Sometimes you’d indulge him in pieces you’ve written yourself, little poems and fairy tales that were inspired by something you’ve read. He was the only one who got to hear them, because his praise was all that mattered to you. After all, each and every piece of writing was made with him in mind, each and every piece reflected your adoration for him. He never knew, and he will never know. Not after this.

-

Another ball, another extravagant event for everyone to dress their best and display themselves for all they’re worth. Especially for attendees your age, it's the perfect time to begin their search for suitors and marry off as soon as they could. Not you though, never you. Maybe you weren’t good enough, pretty enough, social enough, simply not enough. It kept you up at night, wondering if you’d ever secure a proposal in the future, or if you’ll secure a proposal from the person you desperately wanted it from. He was the only one who gave any attention, the only man that looked in your direction at all. He was a dear friend and perhaps even more if you told him how you felt.

So that was the plan, you had to confess to Isaac Rhoades.

For once, you put effort into the way you looked. You chose a flattering colour for your outfit, one that complimented your skin, and had your hair styled the way he said he liked many months ago. You felt confident. You felt ready.

Seeing him that night made your heart flutter and your expectation skyrocket. He tucked a piece of hair behind your ear and told you how beautiful you looked. He danced with you, smiled with you, and told you no matter what, he cared for you and you were special to him. Absolutely nothing else mattered, just him, his charming smile and the bubbling feeling in the depths of your stomach.

At the peak of the night, you decided to venture after him and finally declare your love. It was the perfect opportunity, and you were sure of the chemistry between yourself and him. So, you retrieve the single rose you picked for him and made your way to the corner he had wondered off to. Much to your disappointment, he wasn’t alone. He stood with a close friend of his, Vic. You were ready to turn around and walk away, until you heard your name.

“So, what about name? You seemed happy dancing with them only moments ago.”, Vic teased.

“name? I would never dream of courting them.”, Isaac dismissed his assumption as if it was so foolish.

The only thing foolish here however, was you. How could you ever expect him to want to be with you? He was a gem waiting to shine with his diamond and you were no diamond. You ran, tears streaming down your cheeks, avoiding everyone in your path. No need to give them a spectacle, or something new to talk about. That was the end of your night, the end of years’ worth of friendship and the end of any hope you’d held onto of being wed this year.

-

It’s been weeks since then, but your heart hurts no less. Isaac had sent multiple tea invitations, but you never responded. What was the point? He didn’t truly care for you, he pitied you. Everything he’s ever told you were lies, yet it dripped off his lips so sweetly like syrup. You wanted to hate him, you wished you could hate him, but that was impossible. He made you feel like you were worth something to him, not just as a friend. Turns out the feeling of being more than friends was on the level of siblings than romance, and even that was probably a stretch.

And yet again you were attending a ball, another opportunity to find suitors for others and another opportunity to embarrass yourself for you. Of course, Isaac Rhoades was in attendance, as the only son of the Rhoades household, it was of utmost importance he found himself a wife this season. A wife which was most certainly not you, as he has made clear.

Throughout the night you found his eyes on you but every time he began to a make his way in your direction you occupied yourself in conversation, dance or simply slipped away into the crowd. You did anything and everything to never have to speak to him that night, so when you realised there was no point in staying any longer you had no issues with finding the door.

Outside the ballroom, you slowly made your way down the corridor towards the carriages. The faster you could lock yourself in your room and scream into a pillow the better. But life has its ways of tormenting you.

“Pickle, hold on!”, Isaac calls behind you.

Startled, you turn around and he’s not too far behind you. “I was just on my way out, good night Mr. Rhoades.”

“Mr. Rhoades?”, he catches up to you, “Since when are we using that?”

“I didn’t realise we were back to using 'Pickle' either.”, you snap.

“What?”, he asks, confused. “I invited you to tea last week, you didn’t respond. I chalked up the first few times to you being busy, but it feels like you’re ignoring me on purpose. Is something wrong Pickle? If I really must say it, I miss you.”

“Hah!”, you laugh to his face. “You miss me? You miss me but you’d never court me, is that correct?”

The look on his face resembled a child who got caught stealing sugar.

“I overheard your conversation with Vic, telling him you’d never dream of courting me.”, you’re almost shouting, finally being able to let out an ounce of frustration.

“Pickle I...”, he looked around before continuing, “Maybe we should talk somewhere more private.”

“Because I embarrass you, Isaac.” you state, “I don’t need your pity. God, how couldn’t I see it before! Of everyone, I’d have never expected such cruelty from you.”

He’s left speechless as he watched you storm away, wiping the tears from the corners of your eyes.

Perhaps in some other reality you had a chance to be with him, perhaps in some other reality your heart was whole and unbroken.

#zsakuva #sakuverse #asmr #isaac #isaac rhoades #isaac x reader

[isabeljkim]

What the hell is going on with Day Ten Thousand:

Day Ten Thousand was weird enough that I felt like it deserved directors commentary, even though I’ve stopped explaining myself mostly except when I do.

Here’s a disclaimer before we begin: don’t read too much into it. I've noticed our culture wants to explain young womens’ art as some sort of public confessional booth and our current culture has a fetish for the autobiographical. Fuck that. I didn’t write three different POVs and three interlocking nonlinear narratives about the nature of storytelling as a psychic technology to be told that my writing isn’t a calculated Craft with a capital C. Now whether it is good Craft is a decision for you, not for me. 

Anyway. 

Day Ten Thousand is a satire of an Isabel story by way of Vonnegut pastiche. We’ll come back to this. 

I called Day Ten Thousand “psychoanalysis bait” on twitter so I shall put all my cards on the table so that your psychoanalysis is at least accurate. Note that these are only my cards, because other people deserve their privacy. I guess you could probably Google all of this but like, jeez. Don’t.

I had a pretty regular time in college except for the tangential deaths. 

When I was twenty, I was the opinion editor for my university newspaper and a girl who was a friend of a friend killed herself by walking in front of a subway. There was then a sort of a small suicide bubble which was a little bit public because we were an Ivy, and one of my opinion columnists was kinda suicidal, and I, without any training, ended up in charge of writing a front page editorial about the mental health crisis on campus on account of the dead kids, etc, and talk to administration about the dead kids. 

I hate talking about dead kids. Don’t ask me about it, or about the reporting. I don’t want to talk about it. 

The whole thing sucked shit and it’s why I’m a lawyer now and not a reporter. 

If this was a story that would be the only fact, but this is reality so I have to mention that a couple years later a guy I knew got literally hate crimed and murdered in a forest. I found out about that because I saw his friend crying in public and didn’t stop to ask what was wrong. Later I heard about this in the news, and realized my acquaintance had been Literally Fucking Murdered. A few months ago I had been arguing with him in the literary magazine editors meeting about whether a poem was good or not. I think he won that argument. Then he was murdered for being gay. 

These were my introductions to the specific emotion of “sometimes people die and you don’t feel like you get to feel bad about their deaths and you still think about it a couple times a month seven years later.” 

You can probably guess where the subject material of this story came from.

Day Ten Thousand was a story about inevitable deaths, and the difference between a death in a story and a death in reality, and about…the way a death marks a narrative and a real life and how it becomes fictionalized over time. I also saw a clean way to finally do my deep time / far future story, which was something I had been thinking about on and off for a couple of years (the original version was about a shaman in the deep-time era who has a vision about having to do a murder re: preserving genetic material for the future, but it never really gelled in a way that made sense). 

I had also been wanting to write something a little metafictional, because I felt like I was writing the same story over and over (if you’ve noticed my stuff getting weirder, that’s why. I was on a bit of an experimentalist kick late last year and early this year). 

So it’s a satire of an Isabel story. I’m self-aware enough to note my obvious recurring motifs: time travel, dead people, grief, people who have a weird relationship to each other, a third-act twist, the tendency to punctuate with in-universe facts to imply emotion, to tell x in order to show y, egregious and blatant use of the second person. And then there’s the stuff that you wouldn’t know, but I do: I dislike writing in the first person, I wanted to do something nonlinear, I think a lot about stories about stories, about the idea of a story as a technology, I find myself dropped into recursive fate-like thought patterns. So a lot of this story is both my self-deprecating poking fun at myself and my habits, and also my thesis statement about…what is the point of fiction if not to make sense of the past and the future, I suppose.

The reason it is a Vonnegut pastiche is because I like Vonnegut a lot and I was trying to do something Slaughterhouse-5-ish with drastically less fucked source material. Sorry Kurt. 

There are three stories happening in Day Ten Thousand, and a secret fourth story. Each story is a suicide loop. The protagonist is trying to break a specific loop by telling a story. This story is about accepting what you have to, and changing what you can. This is a story about letting go and also not letting go. The emotional range of each narrative affects the other psychically, because by changing the vibe of the metanarrative, the individual narratives are allowed to change. 

The story in the archaic is a story that is being told postmortem, it is all hypotheticals based on fact. The story in the future is a singular narrative happening in real time until it isn't. And the story in the present is a guy telling the story about the future, which requires him to tell the story about the past as well, and mostly what Dave is doing here is avoiding the question, but it reflects how Dave thinks about the girl dying in front of the train. 

Does that make sense? No? That’s fair. That’s a postmortem explanation of what actually happened. What actually happened is that I rewrote Day Ten Thousand six times, each time more frustrating than the last, each time with the neutral-ish narrator taking up more and more air. And over time the narrator became a participant, and that’s what created the secret fourth story between “you” and the narrator. 

I had thought there were only three loops that needed to be escaped - the past (archaic, pinned story), and the future (space station, mutable fact), and that the present (the narrator’s world) was something that was static (pinned fact). After all, the girl’s already dead. She’s already stepped in front of the train. 

But the narrator isn’t doing so hot. The narrator is also Dave. And the narrator is telling the story to someone. Somewhere between version one and version six, I realized the only version of this story that makes sense is the one where the story is a conversation, and that you and I, as the narrator and the person at the other end, were also in a loop. 

So. That's whats happening.

I’m not sure if I love the ending. But I rewrote it six times and this one felt as final as it is going to get. I am done reinventing the fucking wheel. You know how it is with spaghetti. Promise I’ll write you something normal next time, I think I’ve gotten the avant- garde out of my system for a few months. 

And hey, I know I said all cards on the table but people deserve their privacy and that includes the kid i used to be when I was twenty, sitting in the shitty little windowless opinion column office, writing about suicide. 

Anyway. Day Ten Thousand is about stuff and things. Themes. So it goes. 

Thanks for reading. I’ll see you later. 

If that was too depressing for you, here are some fun facts: 

The main character is Dave after 2001: A Space Odyssey because I had wanted to make a “I’m sorry Dave I can’t do that” joke, but I couldn’t shove it in :( 

I just thought that phlebotomist was a funny word but I also fucked myself because I misspelled it every time. 

I reread half of Slaughterhouse Five to write this but then my copy got returned to the library automatically so I didn’t finish it. (yes, I’ve read it before, like three times)  

I took one single evolutionary anthropology course in college and it shows.  

I did end up looking at the wikipedia page for “the wheel” for this and then wondering exactly what I was doing with my life. 

About half the facts in this are real, and I read a couple of papers for a couple of things in it (that I promptly then ignored), but the rockets-rome-horse’s ass thing is specifically a story that my friend Max H. likes to tell. 

[jenniferjareauwife]

Hi, can you write about JJ’s teenage daughter being in an abusive relationship. She usually loves to write, like short stories or poems and things like that, but her boyfriend/girlfriend has been telling her that it’s a waste of time so she’s stopped.

It can go something like this: “You don’t like to write anymore?” “No, it’s just a waste of time.”

Waste of Time

pairing: jennifer jareau x daughter reader

category: hurt/comfort

warnings: abusive relationship

word count: 828

summary: your boyfriend is making you change yourself and your mom is there to help

I had changed completely and I was sure my mom noticed. I didn't do anything I used to enjoy anymore because I didn't feel comfortable being myself anymore. "Hey honey." My mom walked into my room and saw me laying on my bed on my phone.

"Hi." I kept scrolling on my phone when she sat down next to me. "What's up?"

"Nothing. Just wanted to see you." I put my phone down and cuddled into her side. She put her arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer. She scanned my room, not seeing any notebooks or random papers scattered around like she used to when I would write all day. I used to skip doing my schoolwork and would lose sleep just so I could write. "You don't like to write anymore?"

"No, it's just a waste of time." I sighed and rested my head on her shoulder. She laughed softly, thinking I was joking.

"Oh. Honey, you're serious?"

"Mhm."

"But you loved writing. You wrote ever since you were five, what changed?"

"It's just...not enjoyable anymore."

"Oh." She rubbed my shoulder gently. "I didn't know you felt that way." I usually told her everything so I could tell she was a bit hurt that I hadn't told her.

"Well I do." I let out another sigh.

"When did that happen?"

"A couple months ago." I could practically feel her heart drop when I told her. "What?"

"Sweetheart...what's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Two months ago you started changing everything about yourself."

"No I didn't."

"I'm your mom. I notice things."

"You didn't notice that I had stopped writing."

"That's because you do it in your room and I never know when you do it. But I do realize that you've changed the foods you eat, the activities you do, the things you say. I just want to know...are you ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine mom."

"Honey..."

"Mom-"

"I don't want you to lie to me. I understand if you don't want to talk about it but I just need to know, are you ok? A simple yes or no."

"I'm fine."

"That's not a yes or no. That's like a maybe."

"No. Ok? I'm not fine."

"So what's going on? Or do you not want to talk about it?"

"I don't know." I whispered, wanting so badly to open up to my mom about my boyfriend and I's relationship but I just didn't know how to get the words out.

"Well I'm here if you want to talk about it, ok?" I nodded and pulled the covers up over us, wanting to tell her I wanted her to stay without actuslly saying it. "I'm staying baby." She kissed the top of my head and stroked my hair.

"It's um...it's Lewis."

"What's Lewis?"

"He's the reason I don't write anymore."

"Did he say something?"

"He...he said it was a waste of time. He said I could be spending that time doing something else."

"Like what."

"Hanging out with him."

"Oh baby...that's not good, you know that? What else did he say?"

"He said my stories were dumb, that no one would ever like them." My voice got quieter every second, once I said the words out loud I realized how stupid it was that I was still in the relationship.

"Oh honey." She rubbed my back slowly, pulling me over a bit so I was laying on top of her.

"He said my poetry was bland." I realized a few tears had fallen down my cheeks since she was trying to wipe them away.

"It's not bland. You know he's just trying to tear you down, right?" I frowned and nodded, feeling stupid for not seeing through it earlier. I was actually glad when he told me those things because I thought I had met someone who was finally honest with me but now I knew he was just doing it to hurt me and that hurt like hell.

"I wish I didn't care...you know?"

"You're always going to care, you always have. You have a big heart, that's nothing to cry about."

"But it makes me cry a lot."

"I know hon." She started massaging my scalp a bit. "But it's ok to cry. Just don't let him tear you down. It's not ok that he's telling you that your hobbies are a waste of time and that you're bad at it. That's not his place to do and he is a complete shithead for saying it."

"Thanks mom."

"Do you still want to write? Are you still interested in it?"

"Of course I am."

"Then you should really get back to it."

"But I don't know what to write about anymore."

"Write about Lewis. Write about how he's a dickhead who tries to change you to fit into his mold." I nodded a bit and hugged her tighter. "So...what do you wanna do about it?"

"I wanna write." I looked up at her and smiled.

"That's my girl."

#criminal minds #jennifer jareau #x reader #jennifer jareau x reader #jennifer jareau x you #x daughter!reader #x daughter reader

[teddypickerry]

Could you write something angsty for Alex?

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐋 𝐔𝐍𝐈𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄.

pairing! alex turner x fem reader

summary! in which alex’s lack of songs leads to him writing something he shouldn’t

word count! 1k

warnings! none

a/n! this fucking sucks. i don’t know why i hate this so much. one of my friends read it and loved it but i cannot get into it. BUT I LOVE ALEX SO I AM POSTING IT. probs cause it’s 4am and i’m tired (never). also i left the the ending kinda up to you. if you want him to apologize then you can imagine that or if you want her to dump his sorry ass then slay!

PARALLEL UNIVERSE. the exact words your boyfriend had jotted down on a notepad left in the sitting room. you'd got home from work, noticing a mess of things on the coffee table and chair where you could assume your boyfriend alex had sat all afternoon. he was currently in between tours and albums meaning, he was drawing inspiration from everything. for some reason he was in dire need of lyrics as if he didn't just release an album a year ago.

alex's process, that he'd explained to you the evening prior, consisted of needing lyrics by the end of the next year after the album. which made no sense to you but apparently to him it was all worked out in his brain. so he'd spent the past few months jotting down every word that interested him. sure it got frustrating, he left dinner with your sister the other day because he had a writing epiphany. only to have you come home two hours later to a rather pissed off version of him. him going on about messing up the beat and locking himself in his office for the rest of the evening.

alex was irritable and frustrated with his lack of inspiration and you honestly party blamed yourself. with his exes, he'd had several love songs that could have been mistaken for poems lined up. the thoughts of you possibly being at fault for this version of your boyfriend woke you up during the early hours of the morning. there was a part of you that worried you weren't enough for the romantic man. and your biggest fears seemed to shine the moment your eyes crossed over the notepad. the title scribbled 'parallel universe' in alex's sloppy handwriting. below were crossed out messy lines of writing. all hurting you more than the next.

'in some parallel universe, i know you

held me tighter. i tried harder. you spoke,

"look my love, i will look for you in every

lifetime." i didn't have you in this one so,

i'll have to wait for the next'

that was enough to have your heart beating out of your chest. there was more written at the bottom, but you couldn't bother. you'd felt betrayed. it didn't matter who it was about but he did at least owe you that. not that you ever wanted to hear it. hear who he was thinking about this way, dreaming about being in the arms of while actually in yours. the feeling was indescribable.

the hum of the tv was the only thing beside your heavy breaths that you'd heard. not acknowledging the sound of footsteps down the hallway into the living room, where you stood. your back towards him as he stopped in the doorway. "thought that was you. thought i heard the door. look- i think i finally have something figured out so maybe we can go out to that place you like in a bit. the one with the blue drink that you always get and have a proper night out. it's been awhile..." his warm voice trailed off at your silence, and lack of acknowledgment of him.

you let out a deep breath before turning your head, noticing the man with a white towel wrapped around his waist. his hair was dripping wet besides one strand over his eyes. he looked so fucking good, and that fucking hurt.

the expression on your face told him something not that it was correct in anyway. "we don't have to go there, i mean.." he licked his lips. "we could always stay here tonight, order in... stay in bed."

you didn't know why you let him ramble on. maybe because there was a part of you that hoped the paper in your hand was a lyric nick wrote, or maybe jamie, or probably matt... married matt. "alex?"

"hm?" he hummed uncomfortably as he stepped closer to you, securing the towel in the process. his eyes finally caught the prize. the notepad still in your hand visible for all to see. he could have sworn he shit himself. "y/n-"

"why-" you huffed as you stepped back from him. "i'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this is miles' words, not yours." the silence on the other end answered your question as you felt something sharp in your soul. like you were being cut in half, your heart at least. "alex," you whined as pure pain took over. p

"angel," alex called out as you only shook your head. he tried to step closer once more as you backed up, now against the wall. he sighed and stepped back assuring his defeat. "it's just words. just some lyrics, i needed something to write so-"

"so you decided to declare your love for your ex? dream about her holding onto you?" you scoffed as his body stiffened and he turned his head slightly. "no-"

"then what the fuck is this then?" you held up the paper as your eyes began to sting. alex gulped at the sight of your pain. "angel, i had nothing okay? so i tapped into a place i haven't been in forever- years, haven't felt that in years. but i needed something dramatic and devotional."

"then write about your goddamn girlfriend! or make something up, what the hell, alex?" your voice threatened a yell as he sighed and attempted to step closer to you. "this is my job, baby. this is what i do for a living. i don't-"

"just," you started before biting your lip and crossing your arms. "i can't do this right now. i can't be with you right now," you mumbled as you grabbed your purse and jacket. all sat on the chair where you'd left them not even five minutes ago. alex's breathing got heavier as he watched you slip on your jacket. he tried to stop you. he tried to tell you that his words meant nothing. but maybe you'd listen, maybe in a parallel universe.

#teddypickerry #alex turner x reader #alex turner #arctic monkeys fic #alex turner fic #angst

[jinlias]

— home can be a person | ryujin

a/n: this was inspired on a poem that really did a number on me, but then i fell in love with the idea i was creating so i might turn this into an au! of course, there’s no one else i can picture but her. this is a bit long, so sit tight.

<3 college club leader! reader. vet school! students ryujin and reader

what a strange home.

no white picket fence, but it does have two brown eyes

you never understood how people could fall for someone’s eyes. sure, some people had incredibly beautiful eyes, but that was about it. no other pair of orbs had ever captured your attention but hers.

they’re warm, welcoming and so understanding. you had a feeling they would stick around for longer since the moment you stumbled upon them.

“hello! i’m y/n. the leader of the organization. just to let you know there is no pressure to sign up. but im here to help if you have any questions” you had already started talking as soon as you felt the presence, you hadn’t bothered to look up from the pamphlets you were purposely scattering to make presentable. and when you did, you regret having done it so late.

because there she was, bright, doe eyes paying all the attention to you as you speak.. and then she nods and gives you the most delicate smile you’ve ever seen. you are mesmerized.

she proceeds to run her eyes across the many photos and informational pamphlets before grabbing one and skimming through it.

“how exactly does this work? we just rescue animals and help them survive?”

“well, im glad you asked” you had to gulp once out of your trance and nod, opening one of the white binders close to you. “do you just like animals or are you majoring in something close?”

“both” she smiles softly, she looks like she’s dying to speak of it, like she’s truly passionate about her career choice. “im in my first year of vet school, you?”

“sophomore” the warm smile you send back has her ears turning hot. “okay, so. i don’t know how far you’ve been oriented, but we have a shelter just out of campus. it belongs to us, but that way visitors won’t have to come over and can just focus on finding the right companion”

you keep showing her photos of maps and different angles of the shelter, both inside and out. when you look up, she’s already admiring you, but she nods to let you know she’s still listening.

“right, on campus we have a clinic, anyone from freshman to seniors can join our club and in said clinic we treat the animals we rescue, once they’re healthy and happy, we transfer them to the shelter”

“wow” she chuckles in awe, covering her mouth and swallowing hard as her eyes water at all the before and after pictures.

“yeah” you chuckle with her, enjoying the view. “we also gather a few times a month to hold fundraisers and adoption centers for both alumni’s and not…” you lean over the table and put a hand on your mouth as if to tell her a secret “you’d be surprised how many ra’s turn a blind eye to students with pets”

her eyes widen as she nods slowly.

“so, have i caught your interest…” you let her finish the sentence for you

“ryujin” she smiles again. “and yes. you have. where do i sign up?”

“here you go” you hand her a sheet and a pen “ryujin, has a nice roll to the tongue.”

“thanks, apparently it means strength and nobleness” she smiles as she finishes writing her full name and phone number (per the sheet’s request) “so, y/n. just a sophomore and you’re already the leader. care to discuss how you pulled that off over coffee?”

it’s your turn to get shy and hot. both your ears and cheeks as your smile goes to an o shape and back to a smile. “i don’t mean to be a buzzkill, but i have to be here until five?”

“that’s okay, i have a class at three, maybe i can help you clean up when i’m done and we can head from there?” she watches as you take half a second to think it over and nod.

“it’s a date”

no hardwood floors .. instead, a soft voice

“morning” you had given ryujin a spare to your dorm a few months ago, and every day since you were grateful for your decision, because most of the days she was able to come over a hour before her class and wake you. sometimes she would make you breakfast at her own dorm and bring it over, sometimes she would make right in your own kitchen. “come onnn we have animals to save”

you found it amusing how ryujin flipped your world entirely. you didn’t expect to die alone, you were just content with finishing your studies before focusing on the right person. but the idea of having someone to spend your life with, but they also adored you and looked at you like you put the stars in the sky felt blissful.

you chose to think your love for your career choice was what drove you to wake up so early every morning, but deep down you were aware her voice did most of the heavy lifting.

also, you never thought anyone could love your major more than you, until ryujin. you were so excited to see her everyday, even more so when it had to do with animals, she was so attentive and she really tried to look for any option that would cause them the less pain and anxiety.

like today, your team was scheduled to meet early in the morning and inspect an alley for sick kittens, according to the call you received a few days ago. you were never, ever prepared for what you encountered there though, countless kitties from all different breeds, in inhumane conditions.

“oh my god” ryujin’s voice cracked “c’mere baby, i’m gonna help you. i promise”

in her mission to get one cat’s attention, another also approached. but of course, ryujin offered her embrace to both. they were her responsibility now, just like the three little ones at your feet were yours.

ryujin stood by both of the kittens’ sides as they got all their vaccines, dewormed, spayed.. she sat with them and sometimes sang them to sleep, or she’d cuddle them, tell them about your days together.

and you just watched from afar, too inlove with her to do anything else, you knew from the way she spoke to them she would be home for them too.

no huge backyard,

but it has hands big enough to completely wrap around mine.

no one knew how hard it had been for you and ryujin other than you and ryujin. no one could put themselves in your shoes but each other. no one knew about the late nights you spend making flashcards or asking each other questions. the nights ryujin spent crying because her patients had spent another month at the shelter without any possible adopters. but it had the better moments, of course.

ryujin adopting byul and dallie, moving to your own shared apartment out of campus, meeting your families over the holidays. and just the many, many memories you made together as a couple.

so to have her waiting for you at the other end of the stage after you had just received your diploma brought you all that more peace than just finishing five years of hard work. the way she held your hand and telling you how amazing your speech was, about all the pictures she took while you were on stage. just the pride emanating from her body like a scent, or a vibe..

you were home.

#i am so excited for this au #itzy imagine #itzy x reader #itzy imagines #itzy x you #ryujin imagine #ryujin imagines #ryujin x you

[doodle-pops]

Dear Mina,

Question: How would the Ainur flirt with their S/O?

Thank you.

a/n: Oh boy, did I have a ball of a time laughing as I wrote these. These aren't different from my Ainur Simp headcanons. The only difference is the new members.

The Ainur Flirting with their S/O

Manwë

Dances and swoons you like a tropical bird but with more elegance and charisma. Expect to be asked to dance at festivals and balls or receive lots of jewellery (sparkles). Know that he will serenade you all the time, dedicating each piece for you (yes, he writes them).

Irmo

Doesn't waste the opportunity to be at your side whenever you are alone. Asking you for walks and tucking flowers into your hair while citing poems. Kissing the back of your hand and looking you deep in the eye while charming you with his charismatic self. Sends you the sweetest dreams ever, and you never suffer nightmares.

Námo

Oh boy, after his brother gave him advice, he would invite you to dinner frequently and ask you about your day. He wants to learn about you instead of flirt, so his approach is more gentlemanly and professional (he's a serious man). Give you a bouquet of your favourite flower and something to symbolise his affection towards you.

Ulmo

He spends most of his time with you on the beach or near any open area of water, but mostly the beach. Taking you deep underwater and showing you aquatic and oceanic life. Gifting you pearls and the prettiest seashells he can find. His favourite moments would be to sit with you on the sand under the moonlight.

Tulkas

Shows off his strength as proof of his admiration for you while also praising yours. He's a pleaser and would do anything to make you smile. Going out of his way to lifting your spirit (and lifting you) through his praises. Every defeat is done in your honour.

Oromë

Shows off his skills as the greatest Huntsman and brings produce for you every month (his ability to provide). Frequently visiting and teaching you the ropes of hunting. Expect to be gifted a few animals if you're an animal lover or have his special creatures show up to gift you some souvenir that he planned to give you months ago and was nervous about.

Melkor

He's seductive about his strategies and prefers to seduce you. He's always standing close and pushing your hair out of your face or neck or resting a hand on your back. He loves to hand-feed you himself for some reason, like strawberries or have you sample his wine from his glass.

Eönwë

Just like his King but boisterous and flamboyant about it. He goes all out and would perform aerial dances or find you little pebbles and shinies out on his flights. He would even take you on flights just to have you cling to him. Always gifts you a feather to have a piece of him.

Tilion

He is quick to visit during the day and spends every moment at your side asking you about your day. Gifts you little trinkets that are different moon phases and tells you he'll watch over you when you're asleep. He has the tendency to break the moon's course just to shine moonlight on you even if he gets scolded.

Ossë

Collects pearls and seashells and prepare them on a turtle shell as a gift to you. Whenever you're in the water, the tides tend to become calmer or around you. He loves to give you the advance over others when you're sailing on the seas. Sends sea creatures to gift you little trinkets whenever he can't make it.

Mairon

You're the only person who is allowed to be within contact distance and touch him. He greets you with a cheerier melody compared to everyone else and always waits on you hand and foot. Actually compliments you and gifts you pieces he made himself. There's a softer look on his face when you're around.

#mini headcanons #mairon x reader #osse x reader #tilion x reader #eonwe x reader #melkor x reader #orome x reader #tulkas x reader #ulmo x reader #namo x reader #irmo x reader #manwe x reader #valar #ainur #maiar #doodlepops responds

[phoenixyfriend]

hey there! so i have a question about one of your older posts - ofc feel free not to answer, i’m just curious. it starts with ‘pour one out for the stories you won’t ever find again’ or something similar

so basically, in that post, you mention something like ‘stories in standardised tests that you could only read for a few minutes, but those minutes lasted longer than you’d think’ or something similar

so i’m from africa, and during school, i… don’t think we ever got anything like stories in our tests. i didn’t go to public school (but private school and public school curriculums are rlly similar where i live, tbh) but our tests (end of year exams) were always something like: a comprehension (usually a news article as a source - one year we got an opinion piece about cancel culture), analysis of some poems, writing an essay abt a play, writing a summary, visual literacy (usually a comic), writing a few short pieces like an email or open letter, and an ‘editing’ section (language/grammar skills). i also took an extra subject that my school called advanced program english, and we never got any stories there - just poems, plays, etc.

i am,,, literally so sorry for such a long and detailed ask, i’m just so intrigued about the stories you mentioned? like, what kind of stories were they/what were they abt? did you analyse them, or like edit for grammar mistakes? and do you know if this a common thing for schools around the globe, or if it’s just the usa/certain parts of usa that put stories in their tests?

again i’m so sorry, this such a weird thing to ask about, i’m just. curious ajjdjdjjjhh but like feel free to ignore, ofc. no pressure.

"Older post" is maybe pushing it, lol. It's from two months ago.

United States standardized tests usually include reading sections to test critical thinking skills. If you google something like "ACT short stories," or look at an SAT practice test, there will be some short stories included. This is also true for state level standardized testing that covers elementary through high school.

We did also have writing sections, and other kinds of writing did happen, but there were usually at least two or three stories in the reading section.

A portion of this story, cutting off at about the “America—America—where was America?” is one that really stuck with me. It was abridged for testing purposes.

(I'm not going to address the many, many problems with American standardized testing here.)

#standardized testing #school #short stories #phoenix answers asks

[nicolesainz]

Romance is not dead, if you keep it just yours (CS55)

Requested by : anonymous

Request + Summary : hii! can i request reader x carlos fluff where reader get nervous before go public with their relationship, so carlos comfort her and you both decide to make the relationship ig official before out in public together

Carlos Sainz x reader

Warnings: fluffier than your pillow

The Spanish Grand Prix has officially arrived once again! Your and Carlos’s home race. Instead of hoping on a plane, you enjoy the comfort of your house and embrace of each other.

Carlos and Fernando always get a standing ovation having been crowned as Spain’s golden boys. A two times world champion and a multi podium winner!

Your eyes sparkle as you see every fan from all of the teams that Carlos has represented, wearing his number on them. Red Bull fans, Renault and current Alpine fans, McLaren fans and most importantly, Ferrari fans. Everybody loves him.

You and Carlos have been together for almost 5 years now. Followed him at every race, supported him through thick and thin. A lot of speculations had been going on around your relationship, as you had been spotted around the paddock, but without a man hanging around your arm.

A few months ago, back at the beginning of the season, in Bahrain, after the second place Carlos gifted to his team, he decided to give your relationship a bigger gift. The gift of eternity.

He proposed to you, under the lights of Bahrain, with the track completely empty, but with a big heart shaped on it and the banner writing on it,

“Te tuve en mi pasado, pero quiero que sigas siendo mía para siempre. ¿Quieres casarte conmigo?” (I had you in my past, but I want you as my forever. Will you marry me?)

You had never felt more alive since this moment. A life with Carlos was all you’ve ever wanted and now that it was about to become a reality, he wanted to tell the world that you were his and he was yours.

The thought of being publicly known as Carlos Sainz’s wife scared you. Not in the sense of being related to him. But in the sense of that you’d both get hate on. And you didn’t want anyone to hurt Carlos.

But nothing stopped Carlos from wanting to show you off to the world. To scream that he was more than happy to have you with him.

You were currently sitting with his sister Ana, bitting your nails, with your finger hovering over the “post” button on your Instagram page. This idea terrified you.

“Y/N, if you don’t feel ready yet, just tell Carlos. He will definitely understand” she took your hand into her and smiled kindly at you.

“No, I do. I want to make Carlos happy. I just-i don’t like the spotlight. I see what the other wives and girlfriends have to face and it can be a bit pressuring”

“I do underestimated. He’s a very famous driver and publicity, whether we like it or not, sadly comes partnered with negativity. But it’s more than normal if you don’t feel ready yet”

“Hello ladies, what are you two talking about?” Carlos showed up in the kitchen, glancing at his sister and fiancé, whose hand was shaking extremely much

“Cariño what’s wrong? Who hurt you? Why are you shaking?” He dropped everything to the sink and run towards you

“I will leave you two alone. Just please tell her that everything will be alright Carlos. I don’t want her to suffer more” Ana said before hugging you and leaving the room.

“I hate this! I don’t know why I’m such a coward!” You exclaim while a few tears run down yours cheeks

“First of all, don’t even call yourself a coward again! You’re the strongest person I know. And secondly, what is going on?” your boyfriend kissed you softly, trying to calm you down as much as he can

“It’s been five years, why am I scared to be publicly announced as your fiancé? I just don’t want to hurt you Carlos. Something holds me back”

“Baby, you don’t have to write a poem or a paragraph about how much you love me or contact my publicist. If you’re not ready yet, then we won’t. As long as I know you’re mine, that’s what comforts me” your fiancé says wrapping his arms around you. His hugs were always the best part of the day!

“I don’t deserve you. I’m so thankful to have you Carlos, you can’t even imagine” you cup his face as your foreheads connect with each others

“I should be the one saying how glad I am to have you! You’ve been my biggest supporter and fan since day one. You deserve the world Y/N”

A few hours later, the Grand Prix is currently in action with Max leading the race and Carlos currently being second and Charles close behind in third. Everything was being held by a thread.

There were only two laps to go and Carlos was trying to close the gap between him and Verstappen. He was pushing and pushing to the limit until he almost touched the back of the Red Bull.

When Carlos saw the opportunity he slipped right in there next to him and swooped into the lead, earning a massive wave of applause from every fan sitting in the grandstand.

Your screams and laughs were echoing all over the Ferrari garage, knowing that this win is more than guaranteed. Finally, Carlos would win his home race. Become the new home hero! You can’t contain your happiness and knowing that his radio is being publicly head, she almost yelled at the team radio,

“You just made me the proudest fiancé alive. That’s my Carlos! I love you” and there wasn’t a slight regret in your words nor actions.

“Eres dueña de mi corazón y me alegra que sea tuyo para siempre” (You own my heart and I’m glad it’s yours forever ) he replied with the highest pitch in his voice you’ve ever heard him talk with.

“I knew that it was more than right to fall in love with you. Whoever did in the past and decided to let you go, I’m glad they did, because you wouldn’t have ended up in my arms. And I am here to make sure that you are the happiest woman alive”

“God knew what he was doing when my heart started first fluttering for you. I knew it wasn’t going to be a feeling that would leave soon. And I’m eternally grateful it didn’t. Because it would have been the biggest mistake of my life not to be with you”

#carlos sainz f1 #carlos sainz one shot #carlos sainz fanfic #carlossainz55 #carlos sainz headers #carlos sainz x y/n #carlos sainz fluff

[pinkierre]

bookshop owner pierre x english teacher charles | piarles drabble for darling @softiecharlie

[She got what was coming to her because she sucks.] 

Pierre chuckles at the comment Charles had scribbled into the margins of the book he had borrowed. 

When Charles asked him for a copy of his favourite book, Pierre was slightly hesitant. They’ve been friends for so long now, and you’d think as a bookshop owner (Pierre) and English teacher (Charles) they’d have exchanged so many books over the years. But for some reason, Pierre’s only read all the things Charles had ever recommended, but it’s never been the other way around.

Until now. 

Charles’ handwriting is messy and barely legible. He’s tried to cram way too many words per line, trying to keep his pen strokes off of the words of the actual story. It’s endearing to Pierre.

He can just see Charles, sitting at his desk at work, a pen between his teeth as he thinks up his commentary on the text he’s reading. 

It’s been a while since Pierre read this particular book, so he was due a reread anyway, and Charles’ comments are making it a whole new experience. 

[That’s cute.] 

Pierre makes mental notes on the things his friend comments on. Maybe it’s dumb, but the commentary is giving him ideas and plans to put into execution when Pierre can finally muster up the courage to tell Charles how he really feels. 

He’s sucked in now. It’s a Friday afternoon and business is slow, so he’s propped up behind the till and nose deep tucked inside of the pages. 

[The MC finally makes the right choice, oh my, I’ve been waiting for this.] 

Pierre has made it two thirds into the book now, starting only this morning. He keeps getting interrupted by clients who want to buy stacks of books, so he’s definitely complaining, but he wants to go back to the story of one of his favourite books, narrated by his favourite human. Though each happy customer brings a smile to his face. [This is how I feel about you, Pierre.]

His hearts skips a beat as he lets the words sink in. His finger frantically goes back through the line of words that precede the narration. 

“It’s as if everything falls into place whenever I see his face.” 

Pierre feels his body temperature rise what feels like a million degrees. Could it be…? No, no, it couldn’t… Charles couldn’t possibly feel the same… 

Or maybe he does. Maybe, with the direction their friendship has taken over the past few months. It wasn’t only Pierre who made the hugs longer, the hands linger and the eyes locked on each other. It is a two-way street as they say.

With a heart rate of well over 160bpm he reads on. The notes becoming more and more like full-on declarations of love. 

It’s been a while since Pierre has managed to burn through a book at this speed. The store should’ve closed two hours ago, but he hasn’t even gotten up to change the sign in the door. Thankfully, no one’s come in to disturb him. 

He turns to the last page and his breath hitches once again. 

[I love you x]

It’s at that moment that he feels his phone buzz in his pocket. He fishes it out and is greeted by a picture of Charles smiling up at him. He feels his face morph into a smirk as he answers the call. 

“Hey, I’ve just finished the book. Want to grab dinner?” 

---------------------------

Daisy, my love. Can you believe it? I finally wrote your amazing prompt into a drabble. I would've loved to expand on this I just didn't have the timeframe for it unfortunately. But I definitely wanted to write you something for your birthday, so here it is! Happy birthday, darling! I wish you the bestest day! I have said it before, but you really are amazing, both as a person and as an artist. Your writing, whether poems or stories is absolutely amazing. I love you!!!!!

#happy birthday daisy! #ficlets #piarles

[bramble-scramble]

More information about the werewolf woodrow.

Back when I wrote the original tiny story (almost a year ago now!) I thought about continuing it. I love the idea of him having the curse since childhood, but in my original idea he didn't get it until he was already an adult and the warden and everything. It was the result of him writing a poem about wolves.

-This would be an AU where the moon is still in the sky. Maybe he found out his girlfriend cheated on him in advance, so he never read the poem to her, and the moon never fell.

-Sweetlopek and Dryad are the first to find out about the curse and they work with him to try and keep it hidden. They succeed for a few months, making sure they get Woodrow to the woods every full moon where he can run around, taking him back to his house (or Sweetlopek's house) and cleaning him up when he collapses afterwards, etc

-When in werewolf form, he still "writes poems" by coming up with unique howls, and gains misfortune afterwards. He doesn't have much mental clarity as a werewolf, he's basically got the intelligence of a dog, so he doesn't understand why this happens, and keeps howling without realizing bad things are going to happen again and again.

-During one of these howling incidents he causes an accident in the woods and manages to temporary incapacitate Dryad who was watching over him, and in confusion and pain makes it back to town, where he causes a lot of havoc. This is when the rest of Paletteville finds out about his curse.

-While in town he instinctively attacks some of the people who have been cruel to him in the past, something he would never do in his normal Rabbid form.

-Thus begins the drama of the story and a "witch trial" on if he should be banished from the planet.

It would still be a fun story to write some day, but it's a lot of investment and a lot of drama to worry about! So I haven't pulled my brain together enough for it yet.

#mario plus rabbids #mario + rabbids #woodrow #ts woodrow #alter answers #soh werewolf au

[arcielee]

Interview With a Writer

I know I usually do Ewanverse or HotD, but I fell in love with this story. Thank you @bhxrdy for indulging me and answering my questions. 💜 As always, Interview With a Writer is my ongoing series of the talented souls on Tumblr and ao3, and their brilliant writing!

Dividers by @saradika

Name: bhxrdy

Story: timeless

Paring: modern Finan x original female character

Warnings: Explicit/18+, be mindful of chapter warnings!

So, when did you start writing?

I started really writing, like 10 years ago now - right into 2013. I had discovered and gotten very into (I'm shy to say) k-pop, and at the time, social media was new to me. I had joined a couple of forums here and there, but really got into the thick of it once I joined Twitter and Tumblr. It was also then - for the 1st time - that I found out about fanfiction, which was an unfamiliar concept to me.

Its a bit blurry, but I remember I started reading a few stories here and there about my fave group at the time and - I don't remember the specifics but - I had eventually started coming up with wild scenarios, small ideas here and there, that I wanted to put down on paper.

Writing in general was relatively new to me (a few years before, when I was in high school, I was writing "poems" and other notes in a massive emo-like notebook - all because of a boy of course), so the idea of creating something substantial, like the fics I had read so far, was a bit terrifying but also kind of exciting because I stumbled on something brand new to me and was dying to be part of it along with some new online friends I had made (which I unfortunately lost touch with over the years).

Within the span of 2013-2015, I wrote 28 stories (on a 3rd party site) - a mix of one shots and multi-chaptered fics, which includes 2 unfinished stories - which were left to die by 2017-2018. I had finished school and started working, which totally changed my routine. The lack of interactions in the fandom didn't help either as by then, it was pretty much dying from the band's moving on and eventually disbanding. The stories are still there, my account is still there, as I don't have the heart to take it down. I've spent so much time on them, and loved every genre I wrote. I either went fluffly fluff or super angst and dark, all of them fun to write.

After that I moved away from the fandom as well and just the k-pop scene in general. I took a hiatus from writing altogether too - the will of it had died so I mostly focused on editing. And then, I started back again in 2020, wrote a couple of stuff on Tumblr (for the 1st time) until I stopped again a few months later. The inspiration stopped and I just couldn't bring myself to write anymore. So I moved away.

And then this year, TLK happened and I just had the inspiration back on the tip of my fingers, just swirling in my brain and was dying to write it down, so I gave it another shot and wrote my first Finan fanfic. It was very rusty getting back into it after so long but I'm glad I did because I got to meet amazing people which I'm grateful for.

I have a tendency of daydreaming a lot, I can easily get lost it my own head. Finding out I could actually just write them down, liberating everything I held up and see them face to face vs. just thinking about them, became a whole new ball game.

Where did the plot for timeless come from?

It hit me out of nowhere and happened when I was re-watching The Originals (TVD spin off). I'm not sure how, but it physically/literally stopped me in my tracks (mind you I wasn't doing anything special, just going to the kitchen to get a snack) as if I was hit on the head with it, like, "Yes! omg! shit! this is it!!"

I immediately picked up my phone and started typing random thoughts and notes down for the story. It was very rough, just generalized ideas of what could happen. Some of those ideas did change trajectory from where they started, but I'm hoping they were good changes and worth the story telling 😊

Watching The Originals helped with the inspiration. I knew Finan was always meant to be cursed, I just had to figure out the best way to present it. I also drew inspiration from other witch shows like Charmed, A Discovery of Witches, and BTVS. I love anything related to the supernatural and witchcraft, so it was fun coming up with the initial layout of the story.

At the beginning, I debated if it should be a one-shot or multi-chapter based on how much I had come up with. I was 99% sure I would stick with the one-shot, but eventually the 1% took over and I just went from there...the lines took a life of their own.

Explain your interpretation of Finan. What drives him? Why is he the way he is in timeless?

I was mostly trying to stay true to how his character was built on the show and transport that in writing within the concept of the story (I'm sure I've strayed, but hopefully that's alright).

When we first meet Finan, he's infiltrated modern day life as if he was part of that world, always. Then he meets a woman on a random night and everything changes for him.

Thinking of it this way, the man has been by himself for a thousand years - the life he knew, his family, his friends - everything from his past has disappeared and he is all alone, and so he was just at this point in his existence where he was done with everything, partly discouraged from being immortal, partly begrudgingly accepting of his fate as a man who will never die.

But then he meets Rebecca, a woman who has no inkling whatsoever of who Finan is, i.e. their meet up was random passing of time in the(ir) universe. Once they meet, his life alters. She was the light at the end of a tunnel, she was a beacon of hope. Meeting her, befriending her - he found purpose again. He was ready to fight again, to live like a normal man again.

Throughout the story, I tried to focus on this aspect specifically - on the basis that he is hopeful to become a free man again. And though, there is conflict within himself, to the point he was ready to give up again, I'd like to think that Rebecca was simply someone he needed in his life. Not because of what she could do for him, but because of who she was, as a character, as a person to him. She put her life on hold for him and in return, the universe gave them something that everyone wants - to love and be loved and not be so alone in the world.

Finan, having been alone for a century, found his drive through Rebecca - through her presence, always standing by his side and fighting for him. Them falling in love was an added bonus.

Do you feel Rebecca/Bex complement Finan in this?

I would like to think that she does, because she gave him a new spark into his life, allowing him to feel truly alive again - which was something he had been deprived off since his original lifetime (i.e. since the TLK era).

With Bex's stubbornness driving him insane at times, I think it also helped him on the hope aspect - she was willing to go to the ends of the earth for him, for someone she had just met all because she wanted to make things right, to help him (a stranger, when they met) find peace. She wasn't reluctant about it nor did he even ask for help (he was the apprehensive/suspicious one). And I believe, at the end of the day, it all came down to how they felt about each other from the night they met. They unintentionally nurtured a connection they created until it became so immense, they ended up wearing it naturally, like a second skin.

Not only was she his anchor to the world of the living, Bex had become the part of him that died a long time ago. This makes me believe - in a some kind of weird way - that she was his soulmate. That, despite the heaviness of the curse, Finan was meant to cross path with her, that the(ir) universe gave him a break in the form of a kind-hearted and stubborn as a mule witch. A woman who would end up gifting him a second chance, and the opportunity to experience the good aspect of life again (as well as love).

Where did the dreams and the curse lore come from?

The dreams part of the story was inspired by The Originals, as there is the concept of the “other side” where non-resting souls are (the cemetery/graveyard scene description was inspired by the one they have on the show) - so I leveraged it and made it so Bex was forced into contact with another witch while sleeping instead of through a spell (as she had no reason to contact the dead while awake).

For the curse, I knew what I wanted out of it as it was already part of the original draft when I first came up with this story idea. I knew where it was taking me and how I would want it built - the reasoning behind it though was a bit if the tough part which I had also integrated into the storyline with Bex losing her shit over it.

Any chance of a sequel? Or do have anything else you are working on next?

So, unfortunately no sequel. But it does not mean I haven't thought of an epilogue - or kind of. Just random scenes with Bex of what life is after the ending that randomly play out in my head. I don't think I'll want to write them mostly because I want to keep the ending as is.

I'm working through a few other stories at the moment. The priority ones are for Osferth (a one-chaptered drabble for your 1k celebration, and a multi-chaptered fic which will also tap into the supernatural concept), which I am hoping to get started - officially - very soon!

I have some others dangling as well, which should eventually come soon as well - this includes Finan, Sihtric and Aemond.

Do you have a personal favorite story you'd like to share?

There are so many to choose from! We Were Something, Don't You Think? by Maggie (@inthedayswhenlandswerefew), as well as Comet Donati and Have You No Idea That You’re In Deep?

Some other favorites include Wolf-Heart by @gemini-mama, Crimes of Passion by @itbmojojoejo, Sanctuary by @st-eve-barnes, and Winterwood by @lonnson

There is also a myriad of Finan x Aisling (OFC) fics by @persephones-journey which are heart-wrenching and good.

And Fire in Her Eyes by @emilyhufflepufftlk is another amazing one for Finan fans.

#interview with a writer #iwaw #iwaw18 #bts #of their brilliant writing #writing community

[ofoceansandtombsanew]

Nature’s First Green is Gold

a/n: fluff, fatuus!reader, pre!relationship, pre!3.0

tags: i never really considered myself a scaramouche simp, but lately this asshole is never not on my mind (oh my OH MY). 4town references aside, i decided the best way to get the scaramouche brainrot off my mind is by writing something with him and decided to look at the husk of opulent dreams set for inspo. title is a nod to a robert frost poem. i had fun with this, this might actually make a part two. talk with me in the ask box about this guy and tell me how many primos you got saved

“Is the planting going well?”

“It’s going fine, Mrs. Wang!” You smiled kindly at the lady. You hadn’t known her long since being stationed in Liyue, but you were more than happy to help her with planting rice paddies. 

The old woman gave you a wizened grin. “Once we’ve wrapped things up here, why don’t we have a break? The jade parcels should be done soon.”

As if waiting for food to be brought up, your stomach growled. You laughed, mildly embarrassed. “Sounds like a plan to me.” You pat your stomach accordingly, not minding the mud smeared against the clothes you were given. “Just leave everything to me. I’m no stranger to this stuff, my family taught me everything I know!”

Mrs. Wang beamed once more before walking to her kitchen and your smile faltered. If she knew I’m a Fatuus, I don’t even think she’d want to talk to me. You sighed before resuming your task of planting rice in the watery fields of Qingce Village. 

You’d been one for the better part of a year. 

It all started when your family back in Sumeru took a loan from a Snezhnayan banker to keep the family farm. Unable to pay back that loan, you were given up to the Fatui instead. Part of you was still bitter about it after you’d argued so passionately with your parents that any deal with a bank affiliated with the Fatui was a mistake. Part of you understood that it was either work for the Fatui or see your family harmed.

Gone were your hopes of studying at the Academia. Now here you were miles away in Liyue and whenever you had a rare piece of respite, you spent your freetime pretending you were still a normal person. You were sure that was the only way people would even be nice to you, let alone cordially speak with you. At least without looking at you like you were the scum of the earth as people often would when you donned your mask and uniform.

And I can’t blame them when that was me not too long ago. Full of contempt and very little empathy. Now that empathy rolled off you in waves at the thought of how many others in the Fatui were like you, unwilling participants in whatever grand scheme the Tsaritsa was after.

Does their Archon even know the extent of the things the Fatui does? 

Of course she does, she has to know.

How the hell does any of the stuff I do make Teyvat better? Poisoning lands and causing strife?

You decided to stop thinking about it a few months into your ‘enlistment’; it was the only way you’d stay sane. 

It wasn’t all bad, at least. You made some friends, more or less, in your division.

The sarcastic Inessa, dorky Lev. Even Oksana, the most devout follower of the Cryo Archon, had her likable traits with her stories of her childhood in Snezhnaya and her cooking. The three of them kept you sane when you first joined your division because regardless of your differences, you all had the same fear.

Archons, Lord Scaramouche is terrifying. You shuddered just at the thought of him, planting another few stems of rice plant. He was beautiful. Almost like a doll at times with his too perfect looks and sense of style, but that beauty had a scathing tongue to match. Who knows what he would do if he saw me like this? Covered in mud and sweat.

You could already picture him looking down at you with sharp eyes. “This is where you disappear to all day?” He would ask though you knew you’d be stupid to reply. “What on earth are you doing rolling around in the mud for? If you want plants so badly use that Vision of yours.” He would sneer before he’d glance in disgust at the vibrant green Dendro Vision strapped to your arm. (Vision, not a Delusion, you feel a small twinge of pride. You were one of only two in your division with one. Not that that was anything to be proud of when most of Fatui preferred to have a Delusion, a gift from the Tsaritsa herself.)

It was bad enough being a Fatuus but you should have known something was wrong when you saw the amount of grimaces, winces, and looks of downright pity you received when you were told ‘You’ll be placed under the division of the Balladeer’.

“Well,” someone else whispered. “They could have been assigned to Lord Dottore.” That garnered a few ‘that’s true’s and nods.

You almost thought those older members were exaggerating when you first met The Balladeer. He’s beautiful. You remembered thinking, noting his long eyelashes and indigo eyes. Then he opened his mouth and said “just try not to be useless. They send me enough weaklings as it is.” and that beautiful, prince-like image you had of him shattered into dust.

From scolding those speaking out of turn to even outright slapping someone randomly once just to see how they’d react. Lord Scaramouche had to be the worst Harbinger. Second worst. You corrected yourself. The worst has to be Dottore. You might have only heard rumors, but rumors always had truth somewhere buried in them.

If you had to choose the lesser of two evils, you’d pick The Balladeer any day.

He was volatile but he wouldn’t make you a living experiment at the drop of his extravagant hat.

You would have thought he was evil incarnate, however, if not for one thing. A few things, actually. The man appeared to have a soft spot for children. It wasn’t often you caught him in the presence of one, but when you did (and he wasn’t aware of your watchful eyes on him), he never behaved how you expected.

Once a boy ran past him, brushing into him before falling. Rather than zap the child for even touching him, Scaramouche picked the boy up before brushing his shoulders off like a parent tending to his own child. “Stop crying, you’re fine aren’t you? You’re a strong tough guy, right?”

Then there was the girl whose kite drifted far beyond the reaches of obtainability. A normal scene in any nation, what wasn’t normal was the fact Scaramouche had bought her another one. “Try not to lose this one to the wind too, okay?”

Oh the way you wanted to divulge to your comrades what you’d seen. But there’s no way they’d believe me. Not even Oksana who often told sighed about how anything was possible as long as you believed in the Tsaritsa’s vision for Teyvat.

“Not even the Tsaritsa could make that man be nice.” You were sure she would say.

Lev would quirk a gray eyebrow, blue eyes twinkling, “you sure you didn’t bump your head or something?”

But you know what you saw. In that small dark chunk of coal he called a heart, children were excused from the cruelty Scaramouche was capable of.

What we do in the dark. You thought about the trope of novels you read in the past. It described the actions one took when no one else was around to be who they truly were at their core. You shook your head for a brief moment. Being nice to children was the bare minimum anyone could do, that wasn’t worthy of the amount of praise you considered giving him. But it’s Lord Scaramouche, I honestly thought he was going to zap that one kid into ash. He can’t be that bad, at least... he’s nice with kids anyway.

A cool breeze brushed your side and you stood up fully with a satisfied sigh, eyes closed as you relish the wind.

“So this is where you disappear to all day?” Your heart nearly fell into your ass at the sound of voice. No, no, Kusanali no. Yet there the Electro-wielding Harbinger stood, arms crossed and eyes filled with that familiar dismay. “What on earth are you doing rolling around in the mud for? If you want plants so badly use that Vision of yours.” He sneered, just like you predicted, glancing at your Vision.

“L-lord Scaramouche.” You stammered, unsure what to say. It wasn’t like you were even doing anything wrong, but you certainly felt like it with how the man stared at you. How did he even know I was here? “I-”

The voice of Mrs. Wang couldn’t have come at a better time. “Oh and who’s this?”

“Er- this is... someone I know.” You answered dumbly, not wanting to offend your superior by speaking too casually but not wanting to alert the woman you were a Fatuus. “We’re traveling together!”

Mrs. Wang hummed in response, looking at Scaramouche carefully. “Well, come on in and get some clothes.”

You blinked in surprise as Scaramouche raised a perfect eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

“Those ones are too fancy.” Mrs. Wang elaborated but at the continued confusion, she went on. “You aren’t expecting them to plant those paddies by themselves do you?” She grabbed your superior’s wrist, dragging him after her like he was just some child and not one of the strongest people in Teyvat. Your anxiety was never greater as you watched her unknowingly tug a Harbinger into her home. “Come on now! Those who don’t work, don’t eat! Together you’ll be done just in time for lunch.”

And that was how you and Scaramouche, no. 6 of the Fatui Harbingers, both were stuck in plain farm clothes, knee high in water meant for rice paddy planting.

A Harbinger. Farming.

He is going to kill me. 

It was a miracle he hadn’t zapped you through the water, putting an end to your existence. Lunch couldn’t come soon enough, Mrs. Wang happily calling you over as the last of the rice bundles you were handling were planted.

“Thank you, Mrs. Wang.” You took a gracious bite of the jade parcels on your plate. Liyue cuisine was spectacular. A welcome distraction to Scaramouche being by your side and your hunger. 

The kind elder shook her head, “thank you again for volunteering to help. Young people like you are a rare find. Most of our youth leave to Liyue Harbor the moment they’re of age.”

Scaramouche snorted beside you, “what a surprise that is.” If you could pelt your elbow into his side to make him mind his manners, you would.

“I think your village is lovely.” It reminded you of home in some ways. You longed for the day you could return to the deserts and rainforests of your homeland. Qingce village with its rice paddies and vibrant golds and sedonas was almost reminiscent of it.

“I’m glad you appreciate it, dear.” Mrs. Wang smiled appreciatively. “What was it that you said you did again?”

Indigo eyes were on your form as you took a nervous sip of iced tea. “Oh um,” you thought back to the story you’d given her before when you met. “I’m a farmer back home but I left in order to study the crops of other nations. Sumeru’s mostly known for mushrooms but we have lots of other things to offer, so I wanted to check out the competition.” You lied through your teeth, Scaramouche did nothing but snort again.

At least he wasn’t going to expose you even if you were sure he thought you were pathetic for lying.

“Well that’s very commendable, it shows your passion.” Mrs. Wang’s eyes trailed over to the dark-haired man beside you. “And you?”

“What about me?” Scaramouche glared at the woman.

“He’s an actor!” You chirped, praying that he’d just go with it. He might as well be with how well he tricked that golden-haired Traveler and eyepatch-wearing girl into believing he was a random kind soul.

Scaramouche eyed you, equal parts annoyed you talked over him equal parts amused at how hard you were trying to cover up your Fatui-aligned identity. “Right, an actor.” He added seamlessly to your lie. “One from Inazuma. This one was so taken by my skills, they’ve been following me around ever since.” Gods he is the worst.

“An actor.” Mrs. Wang repeated with an odd lilt to her voice. You nodded enthusiastically, your neck hurting. “No wonder your skin’s so soft. You haven’t worked with plants a day in your life.” She gave you a worried look. “Are you sure that’s fine?”

She doesn’t think he’d work at my family’s farm does he? “Oh no, he’s never even seen my family’s farm.”

Mrs. Wang looked even less enthralled by the information.

“What?” The Balladeer all but hissed, clearly displeased to be looked down upon.

Mrs. Wang looked unimpressed as she gave Scaramouche the up-down. “Your boyfriend doesn’t seem like he provides much, honey. Being an actor’s spouse won’t do at all if you’re planning to take over your family’s business. He’d be no help at all.” Your superior choked on his breath while you nearly spat out your tea. The old woman’s sour expression turned warm as she looked at you once more with fondness. “My grandson, on the other hand, he’d be perfect for you.”

Morax, Barbatos, all the gods in the Celestia please help! I’m pretty sure Lord Scaramouche is gonna kill this woman! The skin on the back of your neck rose at the tingles gathering.

“Of course, I’d be sad if he moved all the way to Sumeru but we can talk with your parents about you settling down in Liyue as well.” The elderly woman continued adding fuel to the fire, “Honestly, you could get anyone you wanted! Someone much sweeter.”

“Lo- Scaramouche is sweet!” You blurted out in a very blank-minded attempt to smooth things over. Eyes of disbelief from both parties stared at you as you clumsily continued on. “Honestly! He’s handsome and-”

Mrs. Wang cut you off, “looks aren’t everything, dear.”

Trust me, I know. That’s the understatement of the year with him. Still, you shook your head. “It isn’t, I know that. But he’s not just a handsome face, he’s got a handsome heart. He’s strong.” You never doubted the strength of Electro. Of all the elements, lightning and storm was the most unstable. You’d seen it time and time again back on the farm. What could start as a light drizzle, nurturing the saplings, could just as easily turn into a storm that tore up the roots of even the most stubborn trees. “But he’s gentle. He’s great with kids.”

“Kids?” Mrs. Wang snorted. “This one?”

You recalled the boy that fell or the girl who he bought a new kite for.

Both were instances you wouldn’t have believed if you hadn’t seen it with your own eyes. “I know that he can be... coarse on the outside but- but he really is a good person.” At least, that was what you hoped. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but nobody was that heartless even in the Fatui. There was good in Lord Scaramouche The Balladeer and even if it was only reserved for children who didn’t know any better, that was still something. “He’s always gentle with them. If they do something wrong or silly, his tells them lightly before making them smile. Or he’ll even by random kid’s new kites if they lose one. It’s... sweet.”

Even the smallest acorn can grow into the largest oak, your grandmother would say.

Maybe, instead of coal, Scaramouche’s heart was an acorn. Small for now, but it would grow into an oak one day. 

You took a large gulp of your tea, pointedly avoiding looking anywhere in the direction of Scaramouche’s face. You didn’t want to even imagine the expression he was making. Please just leave it there, Mrs. Wang, I have to go back home with him.

Mrs. Wang only sighed, “well if you insist.” She murmured, resigned. The woman spared a glance in the direction of the Harbinger. “You remind me of my sister and her spouse. They didn’t seem compatible in the slightest but no one was as in love as they w-”

“That’s it, we’re leaving.” Scaramouche stood abruptly leaving his half-finished drink and jade parcels at the table. “Grab our things.”

You looked at your plate then at your superior, wondering if you should just shove the rest in your mouth and hope you didn’t choke. “But we haven’t even finished the rest of the paddies!”

“Oh it’s fine, dear.” Mrs. Wang reassured you, waving you off. “Plenty got done today. I’ll ask my grandson to help with the rest. Of course, you’re free to come back any time!” Her brown eyes twinkled with mischief. “I’d love for you to meet him!”

“They won’t be back here!” Scaramouche snapped quickly, an accusing finger pointed at you. The red on his face had to be anger at the amount of assumptions Mrs. Wang was making. “Swear on this woman’s life that you won’t come back to this hovel and meet any kin of hers!”

Mrs. Wang laughed before you could answer, not that you knew how too. “Best hold onto them tightly then before someone else ups and sweep them off their feet.”

Okay, time to go. You pursed your lips, wanting to fling yourself into the sun. Grabbing the bag with both of your clothes, you trailed after your Harbinger hoping that he wouldn’t smite you before you made it back.

“That old crone.” Scaramouche seethed as you finally departed from the quiet village. “Who does she think she is?! Making me tend to those pitiful weeds.” You quietly pursed your lips finding the wild jueyun chilis more interesting to look at as the Harbinger ranted on. You nearly crashed right into his chest with how suddenly he turned to glare at you. “And you only made things worse! Lying to her about all these qualities you see in me! You should have just said we weren’t a couple!”

“Wha- I wasn’t lying!” You cried indignantly before you could help yourself, much to the surprise to the both of you. And you could have cleared things up with her too! “I meant what I told Mrs. Wang, I like all of those things about you!” Begrudgingly. “Handsome, strong, good with children. You’re all of those things! You just... cover it up in all the mean.” Not that you understood why. “You’re like a cactus, trying to protect itself. But a cactus still isn’t covered entirely in thorns. It’s got soft spots and those soft spots are nice. You’re soft spots are nice.”

Then you froze, realizing you talked back to your superior. I compared this man to a cactus! I said he was S O F T! “I-I’m so sorry!” You sputter immediately bowing so quickly you were sure your back cracked. “I forget myself, I shouldn’t have spoken to you out of turn! You’re not soft or a cactus!”

Your heart was beating faster than you could count as you waited for his response. As you waited for him to do anything. 

Berate you.

Zap you.

Waiting was quite honestly the scary part.

“J-just stop talking.” He finally grumbled and you blinked in surprise, looking up. The look on Scaramouche’s face was certainly disgruntled, just not in the way you were expecting. You were used to sharp eyes and lips furled into a frown. Instead, a dusty hand covered a pink flush spreading across his face and his eyes, while sharp, lacked the usual disdain he seemed to have for everyone. Is he...? “And stop looking at me! You’re worse than that hag.”

With that, he turned around and continued stomping off to your divisions’ living quarters as you stood there stupefied.

Wow.

Lord Scaramouche, embarrassed.

You half-expected it to start raining sunsettias and apples at this point. You hurried after him, careful to stay a few feet behind.

With a more than a hint of finality, Scaramouche barked, “If anyone asks, you were a clumsy fool and you dragged me down with you.”

“Yes, sir.” You weren’t sure if they would find that or the truth more believable. You covered your mouth, trying to fight back the laughter. You didn’t want to test the mercy he was giving you with his newfound flusteredness. 

Yeah, you think with a smile. Maybe Lord Scaramouche isn’t so bad after all.

#lmao in a sequel you give him a cactus #one with a flower because its like his hat #look she's writing #genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #genshin #genshin x reader #scaramouche x reader #kunikuzushi x reader #meet a combination of the reader being forced into the fatui trope #and the getting mistaken for a couple trope #the trope lovechild we never knew we needed

[lure-of-writing]

What it Once was 

Authors Note: This took forever for me to write, and I didn't want it to be a let down compared to the first part. So I hope this is even better than part one.

Word count: 2.3k

Warnings: Arguing, crying, heartbreak

..

Opening the door to your apartment you found that it looked exactly the same as you had left it the day before. Nothing was out of place yet everything in your world felt like it was. On some level you had wished that Yoongi would be here waiting for you and plead his case for forgiveness, but he wasn’t here. Exactly like he wasn’t there all those other times you needed him. Just like a mere few hours ago when you prayed that just this one time he would choose you. 

Many times throughout your relationship many people would praise you for being able to stand by Yoongi for so long, their reasoning was always that he was a hard person to love. Never once was he a hard person to love, not even in the slightest. Loving Yoongi was by far the easiest thing you’ve ever had to do because it was never a thought that crossed your mind; whether or not you were going to love him, you just did. Loving someone so much so unconditionally was always a made up story in your mind but then you met him. You met Yoongi, and suddenly everything you thought you knew about love was flipped upside down and completely shattered for him to rebuild a new idea of love, piece by piece and day by day. 

Unfortunately for you, someone somewhere will hear the story of how your first real love broke your heart and will say it was fate. They will write the most soul crushing poem about how not all great things are meant to last and for the two of you, your paths were meant to cross but never merge into one. 

Loving you couldn't be described as anything other than pure serendipity. Nothing about your relationship was planned but god, he couldn’t be any happier that he met you. Yoongi doesn’t believe in a lot of things but he does wholeheartedly believe in you, your relationship, your love and the ability to have something life lasting with you. 

Unfortunately for him, someday someone will hear the story of how a man who had everything lost the one thing that meant the most to him by taking it for granted. They will sing the most beautiful ballad of how two people came together, fell in love, and watched everything they once knew burn to ashes from one simple spark. 

The knocking was getting consistently loudred. Loud enough to pull you from your crying session induced nap. Walking to your front door has never been nerve racking but this time it was because no one in your life would be bagging on your door like this, no one but Yoongi. Pulling the door open Yoongi is met with extremely puffy eyes and a tired form. Instantly he's pulling you into a hug letting all of his apologies fall from his mouth hoping you understand anything he's trying to tell you. You feel like a stiff board in his arms and it's unsettling to him because just a few weeks ago you would melt into him and let him hold the weight of your body for you. Or was it a few months ago, now that he was thinking about it he couldn’t remember. This was much worse than he thought. 

As much as you wanted to pull away from him you couldn’t because no matter how angry you were his touch was still something you craved and needed. After relaxing under his touch you force yourself to pull away and put some distance between the two of you. Those eyes that used to be so expressive now are blank looking at him. “What do you want?” He can hear just how absolutely exhausted you are and he can see that you aren’t trying to be rude but your monotone question hurts him more than it should.  “I came to check on you, I” suddenly the confident man you knew was a stuttering mess before you. “I…I um I need to talk to you, we need to talk.” Silently you nod your head in agreement and gesture for him to close the door and follow you, which he does without question. 

Sitting down on the couch you curl your body into itself forming a nonverbal barrier that tells him to sit on the other side of the couch. “Well I guess you better get to talking.” Yoongi suddenly can’t remember what he wanted to say but he definitely remembers he hasn’t felt this nervous in years. “First I want to say I’m sorry for leaving you all alone last night. That was incredibly shitty of me and if I were you I would be pissed.” Looking at you he finds no reaction, just the tiniest eyebrow raise letting him know to continue.  “When I found out they had taken you to the hospital I had flipped out I was instantly in the car on the way to find you and all I could think about was how scared you probably were all by yourself and I’m so pissed that I let you be alone. And I know I haven’t been the best boyfriend” listening to his voice crack but a dent in the cold front you were putting on but you couldn’t forgive him after a simple “I'm sorry”. “ Actually scratch that I’ve been a very shitty boyfriend the past few months and I have no excuse for it, I’m willing to own that but I’m not willing to let this relationship go because while I was sitting in that car praying that traffic would move so I could get to you sooner I realized that we are falling apart, this isn’t how we used to be and I need to fix this because I caused this. Let me fix this.” 

This was the moment you had been waiting for so long but now that it's here it doesn’t hold the weight you thought it would, doesn’t have the impact it should. “I have been waiting for you to say something like this, do something like this for so long, Yoongi but I don’t think it's going to work this time.” You watched as his eyebrows furrowed in confusion and watched as he tried to process what exactly you meant. “What are you trying to say Y/N?” Suddenly having that question asked didn’t feel so easy to answer after all. Quickly you look away, eyes finding anything in the room more interesting to look at then him. Teeth rub against your bottom lip equally to keep your lip from quivering as it is to stop the incoming tears. Without warning you feel the heat from your tears pooling on your waterline. “I think what I’m trying to say.” Suddenly there feels like there's something stuck in your throat making it hard to speak and Yoongi feels it in his throat too. With a shaky breath released you try again. “ I think what I’m trying to say is, we should call it quits.” Yoongi has never been so appalled by something in his life before. “What the hell do you mean we should call it quits? Absolutely not! We have been together for five years. I'm not giving up on us just because it got hard.” Now Yoongi’s never been slapped in the face before but this is how he'd imagine it would feel like if he had. 

“But that's the thing, this relationship never got hard for me Yoongi. It got to the point of being one sided. All those times I needed you and you would never show or when I tried to do something nice for you and you would shrug me off. I never once did that to you even when you did it to me all the time.” All at once Yoongi could recall all those times that he had pushed you away and disregarded you only to pull you back in and ask for attention, never once giving you any. 

“You’re completely right our relationship did become one sided and not on your side and I’m willing to own that. I’m am willing to do anything and I mean anything to fix what I’ve done wrong because I’ve been fucking up lately and thats not fair to you.” For weeks you had been hoping that your long term boyfriend would snap out of this fog and suddenly promise to fix what he had done wrong, why weren’t you happy about it. This is what you wanted isn't it? “Yoongi can I ask you something?” Instantly he's nodding encouraging you to speak. “Is the only reason you want to fix our relationship so badly is because you don’t want to be alone? From where I’m sitting, that's how it looks to me, something bad happens to me and suddenly you're ready to be in a relationship again and actually put in the effort to maintain it.” momentarily stunned Yoongi doesn’t say anything instead he grapples with the weight of your words. “I’m asking because to me it feels like that is what this is.” 

“What! No! Of course not!” Yoongis trying to fight off the stinging in his eyes but god nothing has ever broken his heart like hearing you say that. “Do you know how many times I’ve canceled plans or turned down invites just so I can be with you?” He didn’t know that answer. “So many times that I don’t even get invited to go out with my friends anymore since they all think I’m going to tell them I have to be with you instead even though I really haven’t been with you because you never want me around.” Suddenly the burning tears sitting prettily in your waterline fall onto your cheek creating a path for other tears to follow. “What do you want me to do Yoongi, put my life on hold until you're ready to love me again?” Those quietly uttered words break Yoongi's heart and yours also.  “I would never ask you to do that.” Scoffing back a laugh you look at your lover, or is he now an ex-lover. “But you did. You did ask me to do that and without question I did because I loved you.” This time it's Yoongi's turn to scoff “It's not loved its love. You do love me. Don’t say it like it's something from the past” The finality behind your words scared him. You said it like this wasn’t something new to you. Like this was a decision you had already made long ago. 

“Somewhere deep down there will always be a part of me that still loves you and is still in love with you but.” Your voice gave out on you breaking along with your heart. “I don't think I can do this anymore. I think for a long time you’ve been slowly falling out of love with me and I wish I was angry or distraught but how can I be when I’ve seen it happening before my own eyes?” The question was rhetorical. “And before you deny it just know that I’ve been silently watching as you slip through my fingers because I feared craving your love to intensely would push you further away from me so I watched from the sidelines as you lived without me, without my love and I haven’t seen you that happy in a few months. I know we always promised each other the world, the future but maybe destiny has other plans for us.” 

He couldn’t breathe. It felt like the life he had inside of him died. Yoongi was never one for crying but a human heart can only handle so much pain before it  physically starts to express it. “Don’t you dare do this Y/n. Don’t you do this to me.” Blindsided by all of the unbearable hurt he wasn’t sure how to continue but he knew he had to. “I can see how much my negligence has affected you and I will work to do better but you know that I can’t live without you. I can’t live without you because we are destined to be together. We are soulmates in any sense of the word. I have my flaws like any other person but I am willing to sacrifice any part of me to keep the parts of you that love me, because I love you. More than music, more than producing, more than anything I can think of. It will kill me to lose you.” 

The short inhale gets cut off abruptly by a sudden sob racking over your body leaving it at its mercy. “You lived without me before Yoongi, you can do it again.” Groaning he runs his hand through his hair tugging a little to give him some sense of grounding. “I don’t want to! I’ve lived my life with you by my side for five years and nothing of what I once knew compares to what I have known because even at our worst it doesn’t even come close to the best of back then!” The sobs you let out were now breathless shells of what they were just a few moments ago and Yoongi wanted nothing more than to hold you and fix your broken heart but he knew you needed space as much as it pained him to sit around and bear witness to your heartbreak. 

“Our best now could never touch what it once was; we both know it. I am so sorry Yoongi, I just can’t do this anymore. We need to break up.” Tears stuck in his lashes blurred his vision but he saw you perfectly bloodshot eyes and tear stain face in all little did he know this would be his last memory he had of you to keep. “No” Yoongi could hear his own defeat and saw his chance slipping away from him right in front of his eyes. “I’m sorry Yoongi but you need to leave.’’

..

I am such a sucker for angst and sad endings, I really hate it when people forgive someone after they haven't been good to them time after time. I'm thinking of maybe doing another version where they stay together, what do you guys think? Do you have any requests? Im always looking for inspiration to write something. Let me know what you thought- L

#yoongi angst #yoongi x reader #yoongi imagine #yoongi #yoongi x you #yoongi x y/n #suga x y/n #suga x reader #suga x you #bts suga #suga angst #min yoongi #min yoongi x you #min yoongi x y/n #min yoongi x reader #yoongi series #lure of writing

[dibidibifiction]

Reasons to Live

Pairing: Kim Jonghyun x Reader

Category: romance

TRIGGER WARNING: depression, self-harm, death, foul language

Word count: 3.5k+

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction made for personal entertainment of readers. The writer does not ever intend to offend her readers nor does she aim to spread false information about anyone as to pay any disrespect to the real-life persons whom the characters are based on. She also does not claim ownership to any of the images that are being used.  

masterlist

...

TWO YEARS EARLIER

JONGHYUN

I hear the curtain metal rings slide harshly two opposite ways, shocking me awake. 

“Oh, good. You were sleeping with your mouth open.”

“Great. Thanks, Mom,” I say sarcastically, rubbing my eyes.

“It’s already ten past five. I’m going home. Are you going to be okay?” my mom asks. She has taken care of me since day one I’ve been in this hospital. But now, since I’ve improved a lot, I insisted that she doesn’t have to visit every day. 

“Yes, ma’am,” I roll my eyes jokingly.

“Aww, Jonghyun, you should find a woman who will take care of you from now on instead of bothering me,” she joins my kidding around.

After she pinches my cheeks and kisses me, she heads out the door. I sit up to reach for my phone on the side table. I got messages from the boys on our group chat.

14:36

Kim Kibum: Hey, Kim Jonghyun! When are you getting discharged? You’re delaying our project. Get your shit together, yeah? Love you

15:18

Jinki: They ran some tests on you a few days ago, right? How did they go?

15:24

Minho: Hope everything’s okay, Hyung. We’re just here waiting for you~

16:20

Taemin: Hyung, did you receive my fruit basket? Hope you like it.

Reading their messages instantly puts a smile on my face. I start typing to reply that everything’s good and that I’m getting out of here soon. Maybe next week at the very least. 

I’ve been in this hospital for almost a month because of the car accident on my drive to my parents’ house after work. It was already dark and I was on the expressway when it started to rain so heavily that visibility was close to zero. Unexpectedly, a huge truck was running too fast in my direction. I managed to avoid it but then made me hit an electric post. Even though I was in a coma for three days, still, lucky for me, I had very little damage compared to others who have gotten into accidents like this.

I’ve never felt more alive. It may be hard to believe or even admit, but it might be a miracle, what happened to me. I was in such unbearable pain that I could already imagine my loved ones crying at my funeral.

I grab my little notebook and head up to the rooftop. I sit in my usual spot, which is at the very corner of the floor, overlooking the city. The city lights are like stars, the cars like elves, and the people like ants. It’s like a whole new weird world. I pull up my pen inserted at the last page I wrote on. Every time I have an idea for a song or a poem, I always write it here. 

As I’m turning the pages to look back on what I’ve written, I catch a glimpse of someone’s legs way across this wide rooftop. It looks like a person lying on the floor. 

“Hello?” I call out. 

No response. 

“Excuse me, are you okay?” My voice is a little louder, hoping to be heard.

Still nothing. Not even a subtle movement.

I drop everything and walk briskly over to check on them. 

I gasp at a young girl in a hospital gown like mine, which means she must be a patient too. I draw closer to see that she’s unconscious. And pale.

My heart twists, I hurriedly kneel down to her side and lightly put my head on her chest to check her heartbeat. 

Shit, I hear nothing. A quick shiver sends through me. 

Her pulse. I quickly grab her hand to feel her wrist and hope to feel something. 

Thank God. I exhale after what feels like twenty minutes. “Stay here. I’ll go get help.” 

I run down four flights of stairs and realize how ridiculous that sounded since she couldn’t even hear me. I finally reach the nearest nurse’s station, catching my breath in order to get words out. 

“Excuse me! There’s a girl up on the roof. She’s unconscious. Please help!” 

A nurse nods once and quickly picks up the telephone. She recites something I didn’t quite understand. Two guys with a stretcher appear immediately and ask me to let lead the way.

. . .

It’s now hours later and I can’t stop thinking about her. My last sight of her keeps flashing before my eyes. She was pale and almost lifeless. She looks pretty with her dark neck-length hair, her thin bangs fly off her forehead because of the wind. I wonder what’s wrong with her. I hope she’s okay now. Turns out she is the one who stays in the room next to mine.

My door slowly opens for a nurse to take the tray of my already finished dinner. “Hey, um, do you know what happened to the girl next door?”

“Do you know her?” he asks me right back, his eyes dead.

“Actually, yeah, I went to college with her.” I lie.

“Oh, okay, then,” he sighs. “Well, she attempted to kill herself again.”

My jaws drop in shock. “What?” I stutter. My heart sinks even more at the word ‘again.’

“It’s the third time she’s done that during her stay here. I really hope she'll stop. I’m worried about her. She doesn’t even have a family for us to call for a situation like this. There’s only this one guy that comes over every now and then.” His eyes suddenly change and fill up with pity when he walks out the door.

---

PRESENT DAY

Y/N

I run to the bus stop to see Jonghyun already waiting for me by his car in hazard mode at the side of the road. Two weeks passed and this is the most I’ve seen him since he’s been busy with his comeback. 

He spots me, then waves so happily that he’s almost jumping.

I land in his arms. “Jonghyun, I missed you,” I weep on his chest. 

He pulls away to look at my face, cupping my cheeks. “How’s my girl?” his eyes twinkle. He lovingly leans in for a five-second kiss.

“I’m sorry I kept you waiting,” I pout.

“No, I just got here,” he smiles. “Shall we?”

We both hop in his car and drive to Taemin’s house to have dinner with the boys. It was supposed to be a celebration for their comeback promotion weeks ago but it always fell through. Now that their promotion ended, they decided to have the gathering tonight. It was Minho and Kibum’s idea. Taemin offered his place to hold it. 

They love a good party. Kibum wanted to invite as many people as they could but Minho wanted an intimate gathering with just close friends. The decision was made democratically but it was tied up. So all that long heated, turbulent discussion led us to the lowkey one with just close friends.

Jonghyun and I arrive with three handsome boys already in sight. Minho greets me with a warm hug and then leads me toward the kitchen where Jinki and Kibum are preparing food.

“Mmm, smells good over here. Where’s Taemin?” I ask no one in particular while I make my way to sit on a spinning stool by the island.

“He’s not here yet,” Kibum answers me while he holds a wooden spoon in front of me to let me taste his soondubu stew. 

“What? He’s late even at his own party being held at his house. Great.” I say as I nod approvingly to Kibum, telling him that it’s delicious.

Jinki giggles. “That’s our youngest.”

I laugh, wiping off droplets of soup on my chin.

“Speak of the devil,” Kibum mutters as soon as I hear the front door beep. 

I welcome Taemin with a giggle and my arms open for a hug. “Hey, what are you doing late at your own party?” I say, pulling away from his one-hand embrace.

“I came as fast as I could. You’re at my house. Stop complaining!” he laughs too.

. . .

It is now four hours later. Jonghyun and I are back in his car on our way to his apartment. I insisted he takes me home but he insisted harder for me to stay at his place since it’s closer.

“Plus, I missed you and I want to be with you a little longer,” he says, kissing my hand while his eyes are on the road. 

“Really? Well...” I say, having something in mind. I start drawing closer to him and slide my palm on his lap up to his crotch. I lean in closer, humming into his ear.

He swallows. “Hey, I’m driving.”

I laugh at him. “Fine, I’ll wait until we get home.”

“Home?” He looks at me for a second, smiling. Then back on the road.

I pause, thinking of what I said. “What?” 

“Did you just propose for us to live together?”

“Where’d that come from? You’re making stuff up again.” I playfully punch his arm.

He laughs out loud. It is so beautiful that it is the most musical sound I’ve ever heard.

After a few seconds of silence, he grabs my hand. I turn to him, waiting for him to say something. “So, do you want to move in?”

My mouth opens in quite a confusion but immediately curves into a huge smile. “Yeah, of course! I’d love that,” I screech. I lean into him for a kiss on his cheek, then rest my head on his shoulder while he pulls over into parking.

He turns to me, cupping my cheek. “I love you so much, Y/n.” 

It makes me melt every time he says those words to me. My eyes fill in with tears. “I love you, too.”

---

TWO YEARS EARLIER

An overflowing burning sensation boils in my stomach, making me abruptly sit up and throw up on myself. I feel like my internal organs are about to come out of my mouth. I feel so heavy that I can't open my eyes. When I do, it’s brief and cloudy.

I suddenly hear the door open. Somebody walks into my room. A nurse perhaps. After I feel them carefully laid me back down, I catch a blurry figure of a man standing in my direction by the door outside my room. Before I can control my own consciousness, everything goes black again.

. . .

I slowly open my eyes with the sun blaring at me. It irritates the shit out of me. I get out of bed in an attempt to close my blinds but somebody stops me.

“Whoa, wait, be careful.” A guy in a hospital gown like mine suddenly appears before me. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I glare at him.

He looks startled by my sudden rage. Despite this, he adjusts the wire connecting the needle inserted in my arm and the IV that’s hung next to my bed before I could mess it up. 

“Let me get that for you,” he mutters before closing the blinds for me, leaving a bit of sunlight.

My face relaxes from frowning as I watch him walk back toward me. He sits on the chair next to my bed. I notice his attractive appearance. Dark hair that covers his entire forehead, a cute smile and a muscular body. I somehow get lost in his stare with those innocent and sparkly eyes, making the anger inside me fade. I feel some kind of warm relief. 

“Uh, I’m Jonghyun. Sorry to disturb you. I just wanted to see how you’re doing. I have not heard about you since I found you on the roof a few days ago.”

I snap out, bringing back my scowl. “Why?”

He stutters. “Well-”

“We don’t even know each other.”

“No, but-”

“Do you like me? Is that why you saved me?” I’m getting more pissed with this stranger in my room. “Or are you just trying to be some kind of a hero that saves my life, then our story would turn into a cheesy romantic cliché?

Silence. He just stares at me. Probably awkward and shocked.

“Get out of here before I call security.”

Without saying anything else, he gets up from his seat and walks to the door. Looking flustered, he glances back at me before sliding it close behind him. 

. . .

The moon has come out. It’s the only time of day that I appreciate the outside. I stand before the window, looking out, watching the cars and cabs go about down there. Thinking that there are millions of people existing, I question why the fuck I’m alone. 

Literally. 

Emotionally. 

I fall on my butt, and for the first time in almost a year, I cry out loud. Extremely loud. Numbingly loud. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I pull my hair out, punch my head, slap my own face. Dig my nails into my neck, scratch down to my chest, and then my arms. I kick my legs hysterically. Repeatedly.

I hate being alive. 

Eventually, my hearing went faint, abandoning its purpose. I feel someone grab me from behind, restraining me tightly. 

“Let me go! Just please let me go. Please! I don’t want to be alive anymore.” I continue to scream furiously, trying to escape everything that tries to come at me.

But then, I see that it’s Minho who’s hugging me. I crash into his arms, shut the fuck up, and cry silently. 

“Y/n, I’m here. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. I’m here for you. Please, stop now,” he hushes me. I can finally hear his voice. He's the only one I can trust. His embrace is the only comforting thing to me.

I’m breathing heavily, trying to calm down. I watch a nurse approach with a syringe but Minho immediately shoves it away. 

We just stayed like this. I have not idea how long but I don’t want it to end.

After some time, the noises in my head settle down. I can see clearly again. 

---

PRESENT DAY

JONGHYUN

After my radio show, I come home to a beautiful lady waiting for me on the couch in the dressing gown I got her for Christmas last year, and a pair of thick-framed reading glasses with a book in hand. 

I join her, laying my head between her breasts. “Hi, roomie.” I look up at her, then give her a wink. We talked about moving in together weeks ago and the day I’d been waiting for has finally come. She’s finally settled in with me. There couldn’t be any other day happier than this.

She hisses. “Shut up,” then goes back to reading her book, blocking my view of her pretty little face. 

I hiss back. I then crawl out off the couch to pick her up bridal style, spinning her around.

Y/n shrieks, laughing. “Jonghyun, stop!” 

So I do. “Oh, hey, we haven’t done that thing couples do once they move in.”

“I thought you were going to be too tired from work,” she says, her arms around my neck.

Her thinking about sex is heaven to me! But that’s not what I’m talking about. “No, stupid,” I chuckle at her while I put her down on her feet. “Come here.” I grab her hand for her to follow me out the front door. 

“Wait, what? Where are we going? I’m not dressed,” she complains.

I close the door once we get out. Y/n is still confused about what we’re doing. I pick her up again, bridal style. “Now, enter the code.”

She doesn’t say anything else and does as I say.

Once she opens the door, “Welcome home!” I cheer.

She laughs out loud. “Oh, so now we’re officially living together. Amazing!” she says playfully.

But I don’t put her down just yet and head to the bedroom.

“What are you doing?”

“We’re doing that other thing that couples do when they move in together.” 

“Yay!” she cheers, then kisses me deeply on the spot as I bring the action to our bedroom. 

---

TWO YEARS EARLIER

There’s a knock on the door while I watch a movie on the flatscreen. I hit pause on the remote control.

“Hyung!” Minho calls out enthusiastically as he enters my room with bags of food in his hand.

“Hey! What are you doing here?”

“What? Can’t a guy visit his guy friend who is unlucky enough to get into an accident?” he jokes around, handing me my lunch.

“Thank you very much,” I bow to him. 

Minho and I do some catching up, talking about his new drama series, and some other work stuff until our conversation finds itself about the girl staying next door.

“Then she just kicked me out of her room and threatened to call security on me. This is what she did to a person who saved her life?” I pout.

“Oh, my God. You’re the stalker she’s been talking about?”

“Stalker? Woah, that woman. After what I did for her?” My blood is boiling with intense irritation. But it subsides quickly once I realize something. “Wait, you know her?”

“Yeah, I actually spent the night in her room.”

I pause, staring at Minho in confusion. “You’re not… Nothing’s going on with you two, is there?

“Oh, no. Nothing like that. I’ve known her since childhood. Our parents used to be close. That was when her mother was still alive and her dad hadn’t moved to Japan.”

“Wow, she has it tough, huh?” Just like that, irritation turns compassion. 

“Yeah, but there’s more to that. Something that no one can explain, not even her herself.”

She’s been suicidal. Her depression has taken a lot from her. Hearing this makes me want to look after her more.

---

PRESENT DAY

Y/N

Since then, Jonghyun had been visiting me every evening to have dinner together even when I kept pushing him away, asking him to stop trying to save me.

Days after he got discharged, he came back, but I wasn’t in my room anymore. When he found out that I was transferred to the psychiatric ward, he came running to my door.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were being transferred?”

“Why would I?” I frowned.

“Right,” he laughed awkwardly. 

His phone vibrated in his pocket. 

“Hey, what are you-” 

He trailed off, his face turning red as he listened. It’s definitely Minho.

I suddenly snatched the phone from Jonghyun’s hand and walk near the door out of earshot. “Hey, where the hell are you?” I scolded Minho in a whisper. “You are not letting him-”

“It’s okay, Y/n. He means well. Maybe it’s time for you to let somebody else in for a change,” he laughed statically. “Love you.” 

I sighed in irritation as I heard the dial tone. “Here.” I hand Jonghyun’s phone back to him while he just smiled at me goofily.

If it wasn’t for Minho, I never would’ve trusted anyone again. And because of Jonghyun, trusting and loving again was worth it. 

By the time I got discharged from the ward, Jonghyun and I eventually started dating officially. He was always there for me. Offered to come with me to my therapist twice a week but I insisted that I could go by myself. I would meet the rest of the boys not long after we got together. Since then, I’ve got the best friends ever.

Sooner or later, I would get back to work in teaching kindergarten. I can’t imagine my career going any other way. I thank myself for being alive today. Some days, I’d join Jonghyun and the boys in organizing a charity mission. I’d teach kids in far provinces. I forgot how fulfilling working with children was when I was too busy being miserable.

I’ve never felt so alive. Not to mention grateful. 

“I’m so proud of you, honey,” my dad tells me with a big smile on his face.

“Thanks, Dad,” I smile back at my computer screen. “By the way, when are you coming? You should tell me ahead of time so I can prepare you something.”

Before I can hear his response, the front door of my apartment beeped. “Oh, I have to go. Jonghyun’s here.”

“I should really meet this Jonghyun. You’re talking about him a lot,” he says.

I shake my head and laugh at him before hanging up.

“Was that your dad?” Jonghyun asks as soon as he approaches and kisses me on the lips.

“Yeah.”

“Is he coming to visit?”

“He didn’t say,” I tell him, shutting down my laptop.

I stare at Jonghyun while he removes his shoes and walks towards me.

“What?” he asks, then kisses me on the forehead.

Trying not to tear up, I just shake my head and giggle at him. If it wasn’t for Jonghyun, my life would be so much different right now. Hell, I’d be dead. Because of him, I regained my bond with my dad. 

Months ago, they had to go to Japan for work and he made me come with them so my father and I could finally talk. We had never seen eye to eye ever since Mom died. We had drifted apart. Now, we are closer than ever.

I’m not saying my depression is gone and my attacks are non-existent anymore. They still come every now and then, although not as bad as before. Jonghyun has always been so caring and understanding. I could cry just thinking about it. I got to be with the best person and have the best friends in the world. 

#hi! it's been quite a while since i last posted a story on here #the last post i made was in June 2021 #anyway i'm always grateful for everyone who reads my work and likes them #i'm not promising anything but i'll try to post more stories for you #i hope you enjoy this Jonghyun x reader fiction #in this piece i expressed how much Jonghyun and the rest of SHINee means to me despite having to go through difficult times #happy reading! #shinee jonghyun #kim jonghyun #SHINee fanfiction #shinee fanfic #shinee x reader #jonghyun x reader

[engagedtobefree]

I’ve been struggling the past few weeks a bit with my mood. I feel kind of apathetic, I guess you could say. My usual optimism has been a struggle to tap into, but I think it’s finally coming around. To be fair to me, this new year has been a bit rough, and I don’t think I’ve actually had time to stop and process everything. I rang in the new year in bed, sick from a virus, then 3 weeks later just as I was starting to feel better, my friend Craig died. Then two days after his viewing, I was sick with covid for the first time ever. After I got over that, I developed a UTI, which luckily wasn’t as bad as it usually is. I tend to get them fairly easily because of my bladder disorder, but of course after I was getting back into the swing of things after covid, I fell asleep super early one night with a completely full bladder, and that was that 🙃 Then a few weeks later my mom and I had to put her dog to sleep. And really, the rest of it has been me trying to catch up while also focusing on trying to improve my mental health, which is a plate full all on its own. 

Oh, and Idk if I mentioned I’m writing a poem a day this year. Me, who is not consistent with anything, struggles with routines, and has never kept a streak of anything beyond maybe 2 or 3 weeks, has written 100 fucking poems this year!! Today will be day 101 once I write it. I’m actually so glad I started this, because I have needed it to process so many things and also it’s been one of the few saving graces of this year so far. It was a last-minute decision too. I didn't really plan for it, write it down as a goal, or think too much about it; I asked for a notebook for Christmas and my mom ended up getting me 3, one of which has 366 pages, which is perfect since it’s a leap year. That meant I could use a page a day. I wanted to increase my vocabulary, relearn and learn anew about poetry itself, get creative every day, and also write more often so I have the chance to not stay stuck writing about one thing for months and months and months. I take forever to finish a poem because 1. I write inconsistently and 2. I overanalyze every single word because I want it to reflect as accurately as possible what I’m writing about and I also want it to be “good”. My poems have always been deeply personal, so the truth of how I speak through them has always been very important to me. Since I’ve started doing this though, I noticed that I can still do that without spending forever on something, and that the more I write, the more inspiration blesses me. I still have my separate book for my other stuff, but I’ve almost exclusively been focusing on my daily poems since this year started, mostly because that’s all I have time for. No doubt once I get back to my other book, I will still take my time lol, which is fine, cuz now I still have my dailies. Also I realized that it’s okay that my “good” looks different every day, and not everything I write has to be a masterpiece. I’ve always been very self-critical, and this has helped me realize that expecting only “good” material is treating myself as a machine rather than a human being. If I don’t like what I write that day, at least I wrote something, and there will be another opportunity to write again tomorrow. I will probably still be really anal about editing stuff later, but right now, writing every day has been a lot of fun. 

Okay, so now it's time to dive into my personal problems! Wooo! I’m going to start with the one issue I have been hoping for a very long time now would be irrelevant, and that’s Scott. I don’t even tag his name anymore in any personal posts I’ve vented about him in because I just want this to go away, but he has been incessantly trying to get my attention. Literally. Things ended between us a good year and a half ago, but he tried to come back last summer and I was very, very, VERY clear about not wanting to try again and just being friends. He would occasionally reach out to me but it was just niceties and nothing to really worry about, though it did annoy me when he would contact me. But ever since the new year began, he was pestering me almost weekly, asking if I wanted to hang out, commenting on literally every single Snapchat story I post, and asking how I’ve been and saying he misses me. I had legit excuses for the first month and half with getting sick 3 separate times and then my friend Craig dying, but since then it’s mostly been me going to bed before he messages me, ignoring his messages till the morning, him skipping a week in not contacting me, or me just saying I’m too tired for company, which wasn’t actually a lie tbh. I ignored the situation as long as I could before I finally succumbed to the reality that I couldn’t ignore it forever. 

Not this past Friday but the one before was the day I finally decided to deal with it. He was messaging me much earlier in the day than usual, like literally I wasn’t even done work yet, but that also gave me time to feel out what I wanted to do. He asked if he could come over and I told him yes, but then added something pretty close to “I don’t know what your expectations are, but I want you to know that everything I said last summer still stands. I haven’t changed my mind about anything. I am only interested in friendship and nothing more.” I didn’t want him here without me first saying anything to him because I knew he wasn’t going to say anything to me beforehand and I didn’t want to feel like I was caught in some sort of trap in my own home, aka my safe space. He opened my message then didn’t respond for maybe half an hour or so. When he did respond, he said he wanted to hook up with me but he respected if I didn’t want to. Then he said he did really want to be friends at least because he likes me as a person. I told him I know it’s not what he wanted to hear, but I didn’t want him coming here with some idea that something could happen, and that a friendship is really all I want. He responded back that he thought he should tell me before coming over. Okay, so I have a lot to say (vent) about all of that. First off, he wasn’t planning on telling me shit until I said something. He was going to come here and then ask if I wanted to hook up, putting me in an awkward situation when I previously established very clearly I only wanted a friendship and have not even once since then indicated that I have any interest in anything more. This leads me into the second thing which is that he wasn’t even considering what I wanted, just what he wanted. I am very intentional with showing interest. I do not flirt or lead people on. If I flirt, it means I am interested. I have not flirted with Scott since before we even ended things. I send a lot of emojis to anyone and everyone when I message, but I have not sent him any since we broke things off. I also only say someone’s name when messaging if they say mine first or if I am interested. There are some more exceptions to that rule, but if I am consistently saying your name when reaching out, I’m interested. I have not said Scott’s name in messages since before we broke things off. I know that it might not seem like much, but all of that paired with me literally saying I don’t want to try again and only want to be friends should be more than enough to indicate I’m not interested. Thirdly, of course you are going to respect my decision because you’re not going to force me to change my mind. (When he did come over that night, I had a knife and my Simplisafe alert button near me just in case. I don’t think I will ever need them with Scott but you never know.)

I wasn’t sure if he would actually still want to come over after I turned him down, but he was not deterred. Everything went smoothly and it wasn’t awkward, thankfully. He was, however, acting very differently than usual. He was friendly, engaging, talkative, and gave me a bunch of compliments. If he had done this switcheroo like 2 years ago, I might have fallen for it, might have second guessed the fact that I wasn’t being treated right and that I wasn’t happy and ignored that deep down I didn't actually want to be with him, but I’m way past that now. The way he was acting was how he always acted with everyone else except me, which in the past, hurt me a lot. When it came to me, he was often cold, distant, non-communicative, inconsiderate. So for me, him doing this now only really solidifies him in the friendship role. It’s weird in a way because I previously wanted him to act this way with me, like how he did with friends and acquaintances, because it was the nicer Scott, not realizing that if he treated me like other people, it would put me in the same role as them. But now, me actually fulfilling my wish from years ago puts me in the friend/acquaintance role by him being nicer to me. I got my wish, but it happened much later than past me wanted and in a way I hadn’t intended, and it does me more service now than it would have then. I mean, I know there’s the extra caveat of him hoping it will get him laid, but in reality, it pushes him even further away from that than he was to begin with, which was already pretty dang far. I guess in his mind, he thinks there’s a chance I could eventually want him again, or at least enough to sleep with him, but that chance is zero. If I decided I’m done with someone, that means I spent a long time thinking over the situation, how I’m being treated, how I feel about them, who they really are as a person, our relationship and dynamic, if it’s actually really love or something else, what a future with them would look like, etc etc etc. I don’t make decisions like this lightly; I look from every angle and leave no stone unturned, so when I decide I’m done, that means I’m done. For good. Forever. Scott does not know this, but as I’ve said, I haven’t given him a single reason to hope. He’s decided on his own that something could still possibly happen in the future. When he left, he told me to not be a stranger and that we should catch up again soon. I don’t plan on that, but I was happy with how things went, oddly enough. I didn’t really want to see him, but the fact that I did and that I was able to set a clear boundary made me happy, and I felt a sort of completion around the situation. No doubt he’s still going to contact me (he already has lol), but I don’t feel worried or annoyed by it anymore. I’m happy with my decision, restated my boundary with a lot more confidence than last time (not that I should have had to repeat it though), and I feel like I can look forward now without having to worry too much about this. I didn’t feel unsafe, though I figured I wouldn’t, but I wanted to take some extra precautions just in case since I do live alone.

It’s funny because a few years ago when Scott and I still worked together, I had reached a place of complete acceptance with the situation and was able to be completely content with what it was without needing any answers. It was actually during that time that I think we formed a pretty decent friendship, and that’s when I felt we did best. At the time, I thought that what I was feeling was only because of how I was able to find my peace with everything, but looking back now, I think it’s also because that was just where we thrived best together: in a friendship. I’m not going to actively work at being his friend now, especially because I know he still has hopes that I’ll change my mind (I won’t) and something will happen (it won’t), but at least right now, I don’t need to block him or cut him off, which means I don’t feel in danger or like I’m being harassed. However, I don’t like that he still treats me like I’m stupid. I know why he is suddenly making such an effort and doing a total 180 in how he’s treating me. I saw it immediately and haven’t fallen for it for a second, so the fact that he thinks I might actually fall for this is a bit insulting to my intelligence. I’m sure some of it is actually genuine, like him saying he’d like to be friends regardless, which is fine, but just don’t insult me in the process, dude. Also, if he continues to not respect my decision and tries to pressure me, I will block him and cut him off. He can be my friend, he just needs to accept that nothing more will come of it.

Anyway, I feel like I was able to work through that finally. I’ve also been working on some of the past trauma from him, though I had to put a lot of that on hold because of everything that went on this year. I know I can’t move forward until it no longer has such a strong effect on me. I think how I handled the situation now says a lot. When he tried to come back last year, I was anxious, emotional, and very uncomfortable with having to handle the situation and tell Scott I didn’t want to try again. I was still processing a lot of past trauma and while I was positive about not wanting to be with him, I was afraid of hurting him. This time was so different!! I 100% put myself first, and I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt for stating what I wanted and not compromising where I shouldn’t. Growing up in an abusive household where there was a lack of boundaries and respect instilled a false belief in me that caring about how I’m treated is wrong and that attempting to do so is insulting and harmful to the other person. I do still have to deal with this from time to time, but I handle it much better now, and I hope I only continue to grow in that regard. I am 32 years old and still learning to untangle the web of lies that abuse taught me, but here I am, fucking doing it and making so much progress with it. I’m so proud of myself.

So now I’m going to unsmoothly segway into talking about Chris now. This poor guy lol. Anytime I write a personal post on here he ends up in it, and he doesn’t even talk to me. Sorry, Chris, but you’re still on my mind. Some of this is also actually relevant to what I was just talking about though so I’m going to start with that. So back in November when I had my last appointment with him, I struggled a lot. I felt I did some things fairly well, but when it came to flirting and asking if he was single, I failed. If I had to choose a physical representation of it, it would be someone falling flat on their face, trying to get up, then falling again and conceding to lay there till it was over. Chris has no way of knowing why I couldn’t. I mean, if he happened to guess, I’d be very impressed. Back when I worked with Scott, it was difficult. I was unknowingly flirting with a married man for months, who flirted back with me, and then after I found out he was married I was mortified. We ended up on friendly terms and then I developed feelings for him. We stayed friendly and I would talk to him all the time at work. He would start flirting with me again and then I’d naively think maybe something was going on, maybe he separated from his wife or was going through a divorce, so I’d flirt back. Then after several weeks of that, nothing would happen, he’d never bring anything up, so I’d ask him what was going on and he’d tell me nothing, he was married, it is what it is, this can never go anywhere. Then I’d get upset and mad that I fell for it, stop talking to him for a while, and then the cycle would repeat. There was one period where I accepted I wasn’t going to get answers (I mentioned it above) and so we were just friends and nothing more, and that was really the only good, healthy period we had. That was like the second half of 2019 up until he left in October 2020, of course with most of 2020 being working from home. Other than that, it was mostly turmoil, and mostly for me. I was 26 when everything started, and Scott was 44. I kept placing my trust in an older man to do the right thing and to not come into work and flirt with me unless he was available, but I was really naive. I talked to him because I wanted to, not because I expected anything to happen, which I didn’t want anyway unless his marriage broke off, but when he would flirt with me again, it would give me false hope that something could actually happen. I always felt such extreme guilt every time too, knowing that once more I was pursuing a married man who was leading me on while his wife had no idea about any of it. I still carry guilt from my actions during that time, because had I known from the beginning that he was married, I would’ve never looked again in his direction. I was so ashamed of myself for so long because I had a choice to say, “No, this cannot continue, I cannot trust this man unless he gives me an explicit reason that I can”, but instead, I chose to keep trusting. I chose to keep flirting. I have worked through some of that shame and guilt, but not all of it. I recognize that I did try over and over again to not interact with him and to avoid him, but his office door was literally 5 feet from my cubicle, which made it hard. To be clear, I never would have had an affair or taken it outside the office at all. He did bring that up fairly early on during a period when I wasn’t pissed off about things, and I told him I did not want to have an affair with him and he agreed. Now that I think about it, I wonder if his answer was dependent on mine though. This scenario kind of happened again after we reconnected back in May/June of 2021. Since he and his wife had separated recently, he made it clear he didn’t want to enter anything new, no dating or romantic partnership until later down the line, but he wasn’t sure about sexual, so he left that up to me to think about. When I told him no, he agreed, but I was never sure if his response would’ve been different if I had said yes.

Anyway, continuing…I felt very stuck, and it was something I brought up all the time in therapy. I didn’t know how to get unstuck. I was only a temp at my job at the time, and I didn’t have health insurance or any time off. NJ didn’t enact the statewide mandate that all employees must be given at least 2 sick days a year until the same month I was finally hired permanently, so if I took any time off, I didn’t get paid for it. (I just looked it up to confirm the date it was enacted to make sure I had it right, and apparently it’s 40 hours now that are mandatory, which is cool they improved the policy!!) I worked a second job and still lived paycheck-to-paycheck. I couldn’t afford to spend more than $20-$30 a week on groceries, which included toiletries and cleaning supplies. I had to stop paying my electric bill because I couldn’t afford it and I needed the shut-off notice to get assistance to help pay for the bill, which thankfully covered several months and also covered my past-due amounts. My apartment was old and shitty, but it was the only place that was affordable for me at the time. My first year there was $715 a month then the 2nd year was $740. It was definitely a health hazard though: the carpets were musty despite several cleanings; there was water damage in the wall and on the ceiling; the water damage on the ceiling was above my bed, which I couldn’t move anywhere else, and kept forming mold that my complex just kept painting over; the front door wasn’t fit right so there were huge gaps between the door and the frame; the water heater would switch to cold after only 5 or 10 minutes in the shower; and the heating system was so old that in the winter it cost me $200+ just to heat my tiny little 400 square foot studio apartment (it was all electric). I couldn’t interview for other jobs because that meant I wouldn’t get paid if I took time off and then that meant I’d have to stress even more over what bill wouldn’t get paid or if I’d have to eat even less than my 2 meals a day. I had to make sure my cat and guinea pig were fed before I fed myself. At my other job, I worked Sunday brunches, which were the most stressful and busiest shifts, so no other hostess wanted to partner with working on them let alone working it by themselves, which often led to me working the whole shift by myself, and I took up other shifts if I had the time or energy to. My mental health was not great and was only made worse by my life circumstances, and I had to go on a second anxiety medication for a while to stop my anxiety attacks.

I wanted to be out of the situation with Scott, even if that meant leaving to go work someplace else, but I was already doing everything I could and I still couldn’t find a way out without jeopardizing my well-being even further. Moving back in with my mom, which was something I eventually did and regretted, was not an option for me because I worked really hard to get out of the abusive household I grew up in. I say all of this not as an excuse but for context. And for forgiveness. I look back at my younger self and she was dealing with so much stress. My basic needs were not even being fully met, but I continued to show up and to handle things in the best ways I could, and sometimes the decisions I made weren’t actually good ones at all. Still though, I kept believing in people, I kept hoping for the best and trusting, and I was actually really grateful for my life at the time, probably even more so than I am now. I didn’t have much, but I had my own place, my own life, freedom, and that was always something I held onto, even during the worst of things. I tried desperately to find a way to let go of my feelings for Scott, but I couldn’t help how I felt because I kept choosing to see the best while ignoring the rest. It took me a very long time to realize Scott was not the one for me and that he wasn’t the type of person I wanted as my romantic partner. I didn’t accept him fully, flaws and all, and we were not compatible in the ways we needed to be. I wouldn’t have been happy if we did get together, but unfortunately I didn’t see all of that until after he left my work, separated from his wife, and reached out to me on Instagram to connect again and start what would eventually become a “situationship” between us. Still, I’m glad I saw it sooner rather than later and before it devolved into an actual romantic relationship. 

So when I could feel myself hesitation the first time and then shaking the second time when I went to ask Chris if he was single, it was from that past period of my life. I saw it all flash in my mind immediately: all the times I confronted Scott and the answers I got back, and all of the sureness and trust I felt about Chris was immediately squashed by those images. I wrote about a bunch of parallels in my post after my appointment with him, but I wanted to dive a bit deeper into that here in a broader sense. Man at his work flirting with me. Check. Man makes it known he’s interested, then doesn’t take it anywhere. Check. Man offers no explanation whatsoever for that. Check. Man does not willingly mention his relationship status. Check. Man is cautious about what information he gives about himself and words things so that while he can respond, he never actually reveals anything about himself or his life. Check. In someone else’s mind, those might just be indicators of someone who is reserved, guarded, private, whatever. In my mind, those checks are potential red flags. Those checked boxes come with the thoughts, “Oh no, am I going to flirt with an unavailable man again? Am I going to get caught in a similar situation that causes me a lot of duress and emotional pain? Am I going to unwillingly be complicit in some man’s selfish attempts at getting attention from me?” Chris doesn’t know any of that. I felt disappointed in myself after my appointment, and I felt like I had probably disappointed him too, though I don’t know for sure. If I had the chance to tell him why, I would, even if I had to sum it up briefly. I mean, I guess I could just say how I was in a situation with someone before where they weren’t trustworthy and it affected me more than I realized. Turns out traumatic things actually traumatize you. Who knew? 🙃 That’s assuming it’s even necessary for me to explain, since I have no idea at this point if Chris is still interested. He hasn’t brought up the date, and I have tried to initiate meeting up twice with no luck. I’m willing to be patient and wait, but I don’t know exactly what it is I’m waiting for. Is there really a possibility this can go somewhere, or am I being duped again? I didn’t reach out for 2 ½ months, but then last weekend I texted him, and it took several days for us to send only a few messages. He only responded once or twice a day, and then he did that thing again where he told me to have a wonderful day at the end of his message, then when I responded back with a bit more, he never responded back. I still don’t know how to take that. He did say he’s been getting sick like every other week, which is weird cuz that’s exactly what happened to me in the beginning of the year, so I can understand he may not be up for talking to anyone or even checking his phone at all, but I don’t know if that’s what it was or not. I don’t mind slow responses, but it would help to know what was going on and where I stand. Otherwise, it confuses me and I don’t know what to make of it.

I also don’t know if I’m being too impatient? He gave me his number last May and didn’t mention going on a date until December. Obviously, with how this year has gone just for me alone, not including him being sick and whatever else he has going on, nothing could have really happened since he mentioned the date. Maybe I’m being too hopeful? I don’t know 😕 I also don’t know if I have worked through what I needed to regarding Scott, because I have nothing to trigger it. That time of my life when we worked together was triggered only when an outside catalyst brought it up, one that placed me back in a moment that was similar and reminded me of it. The only way I’ll really know for sure that I’ve overcome all of this and am ready to step forward without the past holding me back is when I’m with Chris. There’s no one else I’m interested in, I’m rarely ever into anyone anyway, I don’t like random dating, and I have no interest in hooking up with random people, so there is literally not a single other person who can do this. I can’t know on my own; I can only do the work and hope that I’ve made progress with it and healed from it. At this point, I guess I’ll find out soon enough if I can pursue Chris without old baggage weighing me down since my appointment is coming up. I know I will still probably have some trepidations and fears that pop up, but as long as the most traumatic things are taken care of, I can push through all the other stuff.

I had my yearly appointment with the oral surgeon scheduled for the 15th of this month to make sure the dense spot in my jaw bone hasn’t grown, but he won’t be in that day so it got pushed back to the 29th. My next cleaning with Chris is scheduled for 2 ½ weeks later on May 16th. I feel nervous even thinking about it. At my last appointment I wasn’t sure what to expect since over the course of 6 months he only reached out to me 2 or 3 times, and after a while I gave up on reaching out to him because I was confused. I was determined to see him during this current time frame before my next appointment, but it looks like that isn’t going to happen. I feel like I’m going to really put myself out there and take some risks when my appointment does come around. Nothing is moving along, which I know we’re both contributing to, so I want to at least feel good knowing that I did my part, and I don’t feel that way yet. So far, I’ve relied on past trauma and doubt to take the lead more than I’ve allowed the present and trust to do so, and I want to flip that now. I have been trying not to think about everything with Chris that has been shouting “GREEN FLAG!!” at me because a lot of it isn’t logical but rather intuitive and spiritual, but I think that those places are where the answer actually lies. Overthinking gets me nowhere, so I have to stop letting it be an option. I can still be cautious, but not to a degree where it is detrimental to anything happening at all.

Aside from past trauma interfering there’s definitely been a few other things that have contributed to my lack of pursuit here. In general, I never know how people perceive me. I have always felt like I come off as unlikable, so even when people tell me good things about myself, I struggle to hold onto those things and believe in them. I’ve been trying to shift that because I know that is a belief I hold and not necessarily one that is true. I’m sure there have been people who genuinely have not liked me as a person, but with 8 billion people in the world, odds are at least some of them do or will like me. I mean, I do have friends and the one and only yoga class I teach at the moment continues to get a lot of students, so that all has to say something. I think a big part of that belief I hold also stems from childhood trauma, but I can’t remember when it started. For as long as I can remember, it feels like I’ve always felt that way about myself. So when Chris literally doesn’t talk to me, takes a whole day to respond when I reach out, and then hasn’t actually planned the date that he brought up months ago, I just assume the worst. Logically, I know there could be a whole host of other reasons that might not have anything to do with me, or maybe even something else that does, but it’s hard for me to shake off how I’ve thought about myself for pretty much my entire life. So in my mind, a quick assumption that pops up is that I’m bothering Chris when he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t want to place any assumptions or expectations on him, but untangling those is difficult and is taking longer than I would like them to. This is something that I actually personally started working on years ago, and while it might not be apparent, I’ve made a TON of progress with it. I used to be a lot worse with it, but I still have some ways to go. I know that it’s my responsibility to find peace within myself no matter what external circumstances look like. Anway, back to the other stuff. There’s also been the other things that have been taking forever, like feeling at peace with the Scott situation, which I feel like has finally freaking happened, and then personal accountability I have with other things, like my ADD, which I’m still working on finding the right medication for. I have to remind myself though that it’s okay to be a work-in-progress. I tend to be in this “Everything needs to be perfect before anything can happen” mindset (with everything, not just romance), but in reality, things will never be perfect. If anything is ever 100% perfect and nothing is going wrong, it won’t last forever. Even the bad stuff doesn’t. The person meant for me won’t care and will want to handle all our messes together. But first I have to show up and be willing to tackle all those things on my own to the best of my abilities. I think I have been doing that, but I need to expand it a bit more to everything, and not just the more immediate things. My mental health struggles don’t make it any easier, but that only means I have to be more gentle and understanding with myself while continuing to work towards finding solutions, that’s all.

I’ve also struggled with that aspect of forgiving myself for past mistakes, not just the ones I made regarding Scott but with other things as well. I wonder why I deserve the relationship and connection I desire, what makes me so great and special as to receive it, and whether I’m even worthy of someone looking at me and knowing that I’m it for them. I wrote about this in my daily poem the other night. It was about a bunch of stuff but Chris was included in it. I’m not going to post the actual wording of what I wrote because I’m not ready to share that poem yet, even though that particular section is my favorite within the whole piece, but essentially what I said was how being with Chris would be like accepting forgiveness for myself. I want that, I just haven’t fully gotten there yet, and I’m not sure whether it needs to be mostly complete before anything can happen or if it’s okay that it remains a bit of a work-in-progress if and after things do get rolling. I’m hoping for the latter. I know it might sound kind of crazy that I fear forgiveness, but that is really what it is at its core: fear. I am tired of fear. I know that it’s a survival mechanism that kicks in and so I will never be able to be completely rid of certain ones, but I can at least shift my relationship with it. Taking a page out of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic here in saying that fear will always be in the car, but I do not need to let it steer the wheel or even sit in the passenger seat. It can stay in the backseat where it holds no control. I’m afraid of making the wrong choices again with someone and of getting myself in a similar situation as before, but that fear isn’t going to get me closer to anyone; it’s only going to keep me alone and afraid. I asked myself what is the worst that could happen if I do end up in the same situation, and the outcome was honestly not that bad. At the worst, I’d block Chris, find a new dentist office, and work on healing again. I could be grateful that it isn’t exactly the same as before, that I have more agency and options now and am not stuck like how I was in my situation with Scott, and that me being deceived would only say something bad about Chris and not me. Of course I'll be really disappointed, and I might also struggle with trusting myself and relying on my gut to tell me if someone is trustworthy, but I can work through all of that with time. When I take a look at all of that, it’s really not that bad. Yes, it would suck, but I’d get through it. Even as I write this though, I don’t think any of that will come to fruition. When I question and second-guess everything, asking the “what ifs” and doing the whole comparison thing, that fear builds in my chest and I think about how I can’t do this, I must be crazy to think that I can trust that trusting feeling that I feel with Chris. But when I close my eyes and take a moment to think clearly about Chris, letting myself remember his energy - the curiosity, comfort, warmth, gentleness, brightness, and pureness of it - that is when I know. That is when the truth of who he is makes itself known. I will never find the truth of him by looking at someone else’s actions, words, and energy. I will never find Chris by looking back at my relationship with someone else. I can only find Chris in Chris. I can only find any truth about what is going on by looking at my experiences with him and him alone. That is a very difficult and enormous shift I have been trying to make, but despite the doubts that creep into my mind, I believe that I can do it and that it is possible. Yes, I have to keep in mind that I could be wrong about him, but right now I am not giving enough energy to the thought that I could be right. 

When I had last year’s appointment with the oral surgeon, I was also kind of in the same space, but it was only about whether or not Chris was interested in me. I didn’t really have much to go off of except 3 things: he did a double-take when he saw me, he was asking me questions that I was sure he was not asking everyone else (or at least with the same intention), and I just had an overall feeling. Well, okay, there was a bunch of other stuff, but I meant things that are a bit more tangible, I guess you could say. I’ve never been wrong in my life about someone being interested in me, I always just know, but I was accepting of the possibility that I could be wrong this time. I had told both of my best friends about everything, and it was kind of similar to what was going on in my head: Stacy was really supportive, said he was definitely into me, and that I should go for it, while Amanda said I could be reading things wrong, that intuition can’t always be trusted, and that it wasn’t enough to go off of. It’s funny cuz Amanda and I tend to have more views in common than Stacy and I do, but I ended up taking the more positive route, the one that Stacy supported. Amanda also is not very optimistic on the romantic front whereas I am, so this is something that we differ a lot on. I also don’t believe that intuition ever lies. For me, there’s always been a very strong distinction between emotions, thoughts, and intuition, so while I was still open to being wrong, I decided to trust my intuition more than my mind. Then when I was at my appointment with the oral surgeon, as soon as I crossed paths with Chris and our eyes met, I knew instantly that he was going to give me his number, and at my next appointment, he did. I have not been wrong about anything so far, and I’ve been trying to trust myself more, open my intuitive capabilities even wider, and I can’t do that if I’m always in my head about things. This one poem by Erin Hanson popped into my head and it feels relevant here: “There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?” I keep asking myself over and over, “What if I’m wrong?” but then there’s also a voice that follows it and asks, “But what if I’m right?” I won’t know unless I take a chance. I have always taken chances on the wrong people, and I don’t want that to deter me from trying again, because then I could miss out on the right person. I have to try. If I’m wrong, then I’ll deal with that when the time comes, and at least I can say that I tried and took a chance. If I’m right, then my life could possibly be changed forever.

I have tried so hard not to have hopes, because hope always brought me disappointment, but before, I only thought I knew, when in reality I was ignoring the actual knowing voice. This is different. I don't think I know, I do know. I've always known, and I've tried not to know. It's the opposite of how it's always been. If I trust this, it could potentially have a different outcome than all those other times too. I’ve been questioning and second-guessing and doubting, when deep down inside I’m being told to trust. I can’t predict the outcome of this situation, but I know I can trust whatever this is, and I need to lean into that without any more hesitation. I know. I know it’s safe to trust this. I read a lot of comics/manhwas in the Webtoon app, and right now I’ve been trying to read completed ones so I can focus more on current ones, and one I’m reading right now is called Aerial Magic. It’s about a young witch who can’t read spells, and she had trouble finding an apprenticeship that would take her. She applied to over 400 different places, and only 1 responded, which is the place she’s apprenticing at. While on the phone with her dad, she said she got lucky, and her dad responded that she was dismissing her hard work and that “It isn’t luck that you found the right person. It’s because you kept on reaching out and you refused to stop until you found someone who reached back.” How many people give up? How many people settle? How many people stop trying to grow and do better, or think there’s a limit to how much they’re able to improve, or believe it’s only the other person who needs to be improving and doing the work? I have never given up on myself and what I know I can have and is possible for me. Despite any doubts or perceived limitations, whether from myself or others, I’ve always pushed through. I may move slowly, but I never stop moving. All of my previous failed attempts at finding my person were stepping stones. I let those people and situations rip me apart, and then I put myself back together again, even when I didn’t want to do it. The thought that I have to has always driven me. I’ve never seen any other choice. When I looked at myself and adjusted to the newness of who I was with those pieces put back together, I realized that I somehow was more beautiful and more resilient. I grew, and while those growing pains hurt, they never stopped me. Growth is never easy, and more often than not the most growth comes from the hardest circumstances, but it’s necessary if we want to become our best selves. The growth we are looking for doesn’t come without the sacrifice of our own ease and comfort. We must go through it and heal it, and then we come out better for it. 

Also, things I’ve felt and experienced with Chris have never happened before. There’s been a lot, and I wrote about some of them in past posts, although now that I’m thinking about it, some of it I might not have actually posted. I never made my one private post public, made a second private post I also never made public and then forgot about, and I started a Google docs draft writing about a ton of stuff last year that I never finished or posted, so some things I think I posted might not be on here. Oops lol I like to have all my stuff in one place, but whatever. I know certain things I definitely didn’t write about, but there’s less of those than ones I did write about. Anyway, my point is, I’m skipping that to write about something else I haven’t yet, or at least haven’t written about in great detail. It’s Chris’s energy, and how I can sense it. I’ve always been able to pick up on other people’s energies, like the essence of who they are, to a certain degree, but mostly I just feel emotions coming off of people, especially strong ones. I’m not sure if everyone is like that? I used to think so, until I was watching some astrology reel on Youtube not too long ago and of course a bunch of grown ass men who think they’re amazing for shitting on people’s interests that have nothing to do with them infiltrated the comment section. One of the comment threads was how people don’t give off “energy” and that there’s no such thing, from a scientific perspective, which didn’t sound right to me cuz I thought science literally explained how everything was energy, but sure go off, dude, whatever. That really confused me cuz I thought I was in my head a lot but maybe there are people so disconnected from themselves that they literally do not pick up on these types of things. Anyway, people I am closer with or was close with at one point have stronger energies to me. But ummm I’ve never felt anyone’s energy as strongly as I feel Chris’s. Especially considering I have only met him a handful of times, so it shouldn’t be that way. It was actually the first thing I noticed about him. I mean, he did have a mask on, but even then, I’ve been to plenty of doctors or other health places where they wear masks the whole time, and this has not happened with any of them. I remember the two times I was there before my first appointment with Chris, he was up at the front desk with his mask on, and both times he said we had similar last names. He didn’t look at me either time when he said it, just kind of tilted his head toward his right shoulder in my direction, and I didn’t think anything in particular about him; I only remember feeling curious, but even that wasn’t something I noticed consciously until later, so I quickly forgot about it each time. At my first appointment, I remember he did a double-take, and I didn’t look at him as a natural self-defense mechanism, but when I got back to the room with him, my defense was gone. That doesn’t happen. I always remember to keep it up, no matter what is going on around me. I didn’t even notice I had dropped it when I was with Chris. When I walked into the room behind him, he asked if I wanted him to hang my bag up for me, which I declined. That’s when my first impression of him hit: he was warm and bright. Not just because of his gesture, but his whole being. I felt the warmth and I saw this glow around him. I was thinking earlier about how I am virtually unphased by a lot of things that should probably phase me. This moment - well, my entire first appointment tbh - should have been one of those moments. Even at all my other appointments, there are things I have no logical explanation for and yet, I have remained nothing but calm and collected during all of it. Honestly, now that I’m thinking about it again, that is so insane haha. 

I wasn’t going to write about this other thing, but since I probably already sound like I’m off my rocker, might as well just keep going a bit longer. Okay so, Chris’s eyes. I don’t know if he believes me cuz I’ve only ever commented on his eyes after he’s said something about mine, but asdfghjkl. I lose my absolute MIND over his eyes. This is going to be so freeing to write about. I can feel it. Okay so yeah, at my first appointment I only looked into his eyes once. It was when he was shocked I said I was 30 and I turned my head to look at him. His brown eyes were wide in disbelief. In that moment, I felt like 100 different things. I didn’t look long, but when I turned my head back, I had this strange sort of feeling. Well, first, I corrected myself by saying I was actually 31, and then I remember feeling some sort of weird intensity I had never felt before. I didn’t know what it was, so I felt embarrassed and didn’t look into his eyes again the rest of my time there. Later though, I figured it out. Chris’s eyes are so deep, yet still so bright. There is a depth there that seems to go on endlessly, like an entire other universe, and I wanted to know what was there. That was what I felt embarrassed about, but I couldn’t figure it out at that moment. I had no idea because I had never felt that before. I felt like I wanted to explore everything behind those eyes. I also felt seen and understood, which made no sense to me because there was nothing to see or understand. Maybe in general, like me as a person overall, but not in that particular moment. I still feel all of this when I look into his eyes, and after my last appointment with him, a few times when I was looking in the mirror, I had to do a double-take because I kept seeing his eyes before I saw my own. I know, I sound so psycho 😭 I wish I didn’t. I wish I had some sort of explanation, but I don’t. All I have is all this stuff that has happened and all the things I have felt, and this isn’t even the craziest of it. I still haven’t written about one thing that happened because it wouldn’t be fair to not tell Chris first, though that may never happen anyway. Maybe this is all nothing. Maybe this is…fake? Not real? A blip in the universe? Well - many blips in the universe? I can’t even take any guesses because what am I supposed to even guess at? He’s still just my dental hygienist and I’m still just his patient. There’s no relationship to comment on, little progress to point to, and barely any further interaction to make this stuff feel more tangible and less like I’m a little psychopath. There’s literally nothing to even guess at because these weird little things are all that exist from this. I can’t even talk to Chris about it because he doesn’t talk to me 😑😑😑 These intangible things are all I have. They’re all that’s really tethering me to trust because in the physical world, everything only points to confusion and doubt. This is all I have. I’m either being spiritually led in the direction of something really great, or I have some sort of serious brain injury that only makes itself known in Chris’s presence. I don’t think there’s anything in-between that would rationalize all of this stuff that I’ve seen and experienced.

That brings me around to what I’m going to do. First, I have to decide what I’m willing to live with: the pain of being used again or the pain of missing out. I already know which option I’m going to choose though, and I know what I’m going to do about it. Just like this time last year, I’m going to take the approach of seeing how Chris responds to me at my appointment with the oral surgeon. I assume we’ll cross paths like we have at all my other appointments. If it’s negative, sucks for me, and the result will probably be me crying when I get home because it does not take much to make me cry lol. If it’s positive, great, I plan to make some moves during my next appointment with him. I may have lost my chance at this point, but I’m hoping I haven’t. If I haven’t, awesome, I plan to treat my next appointment with him as a pivotal point in regards to whether things progress or not. So far, Chris has really put himself out there. He’s taken chances on me and I really haven’t responded positively back to him. I mean, I guess you could say the same for me taking chances on him in regards to trying to meet up and him not really responding great, but I’m not going to count that. I’m going to count in-person stuff only. I have roughly 5 weeks to: make sure I work through any lingering potential past romantic trauma that could interfere (this is also for myself too), come up with a coping plan in case something does come up, brush up on my flirting skills so I don’t freeze in the moment (tbh idk how I’m going to do this, maybe in the meantime just keep taking mental notes of all the stuff I like about Chris and hope it helps me seize an opportune moment to be flirty when the time comes), and continue to prioritize my mental health so I don’t get overwhelmed and overstimulated by all the excitement, which will also help with the flirting aspect. That….is a small list but actually a huge load of stuff to take care of in a month’s time. Anyway!! I’m still going to hope for the best. The other stuff doesn’t have to be 100% dealt with, but my #1 priority is making sure Chris feels good and that I make it apparent that “Yes I am into you and I’m sorry I’ve been struggling so much to show you that!!”. Well, I can leave out the apology bit, but yeah, the first part gets a thumbs up. Maybe that’s why Chris hasn’t initiated anything. Maybe he thinks I’m not that interested or only in it for self-gain, neither of which are true at all. I struggle a lot. I struggle with so many things and then I suck at articulating and explaining myself. In fact, when I do try to articulate or explain, I somehow always end up making things worse. It’s better for me to just wipe the slate clean, start fresh, and then hope that if he asks about something I can explain without embarrassing myself further. Maybe he wants me to ask about our date, but since he’s the one that brought it up in the first place, I feel kinda weird asking “So uhhh our date?” Maybe I’m overthinking all of this and it really is as simple as: if he’s not reaching out, then he’s not interested or is just fucking with me for whatever reason. 

I’m tired, man. I’m tired of always being in a place of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain. Waiting to be treated poorly. Waiting for the betrayal. Waiting for the anger. Waiting to be told or shown how I’m not enough. I think to myself, Who will not make me flinch? This all goes way beyond Scott; a large part of my experiences with men, for a majority of my life, have not been positive. Some have even been dangerously negative. I think a part of me is always going to have some fear about being hurt until I’m with someone who doesn’t hurt me in big ways, and the little ones they work with me on and try to make up for. I will gladly give them the same in return. I’m never going to find that person unless I take a chance on them. I want to take the chance on someone who is worth it, and I feel that Chris is. I want my choices in life to reflect that I didn’t give up, that I kept believing in something higher and took the steps I needed in order to actualize that higher life for myself, even if I did so imperfectly with mistakes along the way.

I had a bunch of other stuff I was going to write about but I’ve already been coming back to this over the course of two weeks and it’s getting too long, so I’ll end here for now.

Umm Chris if somehow you’ve found my anonymous blog, which I’m hoping you haven’t, I apologize if any of this sounded weird or made you uncomfortable 😭 Feel free to never talk to me again if that’s the case. If not, see you in a few weeks 🥰

#here's the novel no one asked for #personal #chris #idk what else to tag #i feel bad only tagging chris aside from personal lol #my overthinking strikes again #even in the tags #whomp whomp