#in this piece i expressed how much Jonghyun and the rest of SHINee means to me despite having to go through difficult times

[dibidibifiction]

Reasons to Live

Pairing: Kim Jonghyun x Reader

Category: romance

TRIGGER WARNING: depression, self-harm, death, foul language

Word count: 3.5k+

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction made for personal entertainment of readers. The writer does not ever intend to offend her readers nor does she aim to spread false information about anyone as to pay any disrespect to the real-life persons whom the characters are based on. She also does not claim ownership to any of the images that are being used.  

masterlist

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TWO YEARS EARLIER

JONGHYUN

I hear the curtain metal rings slide harshly two opposite ways, shocking me awake. 

“Oh, good. You were sleeping with your mouth open.”

“Great. Thanks, Mom,” I say sarcastically, rubbing my eyes.

“It’s already ten past five. I’m going home. Are you going to be okay?” my mom asks. She has taken care of me since day one I’ve been in this hospital. But now, since I’ve improved a lot, I insisted that she doesn’t have to visit every day. 

“Yes, ma’am,” I roll my eyes jokingly.

“Aww, Jonghyun, you should find a woman who will take care of you from now on instead of bothering me,” she joins my kidding around.

After she pinches my cheeks and kisses me, she heads out the door. I sit up to reach for my phone on the side table. I got messages from the boys on our group chat.

14:36

Kim Kibum: Hey, Kim Jonghyun! When are you getting discharged? You’re delaying our project. Get your shit together, yeah? Love you

15:18

Jinki: They ran some tests on you a few days ago, right? How did they go?

15:24

Minho: Hope everything’s okay, Hyung. We’re just here waiting for you~

16:20

Taemin: Hyung, did you receive my fruit basket? Hope you like it.

Reading their messages instantly puts a smile on my face. I start typing to reply that everything’s good and that I’m getting out of here soon. Maybe next week at the very least. 

I’ve been in this hospital for almost a month because of the car accident on my drive to my parents’ house after work. It was already dark and I was on the expressway when it started to rain so heavily that visibility was close to zero. Unexpectedly, a huge truck was running too fast in my direction. I managed to avoid it but then made me hit an electric post. Even though I was in a coma for three days, still, lucky for me, I had very little damage compared to others who have gotten into accidents like this.

I’ve never felt more alive. It may be hard to believe or even admit, but it might be a miracle, what happened to me. I was in such unbearable pain that I could already imagine my loved ones crying at my funeral.

I grab my little notebook and head up to the rooftop. I sit in my usual spot, which is at the very corner of the floor, overlooking the city. The city lights are like stars, the cars like elves, and the people like ants. It’s like a whole new weird world. I pull up my pen inserted at the last page I wrote on. Every time I have an idea for a song or a poem, I always write it here. 

As I’m turning the pages to look back on what I’ve written, I catch a glimpse of someone’s legs way across this wide rooftop. It looks like a person lying on the floor. 

“Hello?” I call out. 

No response. 

“Excuse me, are you okay?” My voice is a little louder, hoping to be heard.

Still nothing. Not even a subtle movement.

I drop everything and walk briskly over to check on them. 

I gasp at a young girl in a hospital gown like mine, which means she must be a patient too. I draw closer to see that she’s unconscious. And pale.

My heart twists, I hurriedly kneel down to her side and lightly put my head on her chest to check her heartbeat. 

Shit, I hear nothing. A quick shiver sends through me. 

Her pulse. I quickly grab her hand to feel her wrist and hope to feel something. 

Thank God. I exhale after what feels like twenty minutes. “Stay here. I’ll go get help.” 

I run down four flights of stairs and realize how ridiculous that sounded since she couldn’t even hear me. I finally reach the nearest nurse’s station, catching my breath in order to get words out. 

“Excuse me! There’s a girl up on the roof. She’s unconscious. Please help!” 

A nurse nods once and quickly picks up the telephone. She recites something I didn’t quite understand. Two guys with a stretcher appear immediately and ask me to let lead the way.

. . .

It’s now hours later and I can’t stop thinking about her. My last sight of her keeps flashing before my eyes. She was pale and almost lifeless. She looks pretty with her dark neck-length hair, her thin bangs fly off her forehead because of the wind. I wonder what’s wrong with her. I hope she’s okay now. Turns out she is the one who stays in the room next to mine.

My door slowly opens for a nurse to take the tray of my already finished dinner. “Hey, um, do you know what happened to the girl next door?”

“Do you know her?” he asks me right back, his eyes dead.

“Actually, yeah, I went to college with her.” I lie.

“Oh, okay, then,” he sighs. “Well, she attempted to kill herself again.”

My jaws drop in shock. “What?” I stutter. My heart sinks even more at the word ‘again.’

“It’s the third time she’s done that during her stay here. I really hope she'll stop. I’m worried about her. She doesn’t even have a family for us to call for a situation like this. There’s only this one guy that comes over every now and then.” His eyes suddenly change and fill up with pity when he walks out the door.

---

PRESENT DAY

Y/N

I run to the bus stop to see Jonghyun already waiting for me by his car in hazard mode at the side of the road. Two weeks passed and this is the most I’ve seen him since he’s been busy with his comeback. 

He spots me, then waves so happily that he’s almost jumping.

I land in his arms. “Jonghyun, I missed you,” I weep on his chest. 

He pulls away to look at my face, cupping my cheeks. “How’s my girl?” his eyes twinkle. He lovingly leans in for a five-second kiss.

“I’m sorry I kept you waiting,” I pout.

“No, I just got here,” he smiles. “Shall we?”

We both hop in his car and drive to Taemin’s house to have dinner with the boys. It was supposed to be a celebration for their comeback promotion weeks ago but it always fell through. Now that their promotion ended, they decided to have the gathering tonight. It was Minho and Kibum’s idea. Taemin offered his place to hold it. 

They love a good party. Kibum wanted to invite as many people as they could but Minho wanted an intimate gathering with just close friends. The decision was made democratically but it was tied up. So all that long heated, turbulent discussion led us to the lowkey one with just close friends.

Jonghyun and I arrive with three handsome boys already in sight. Minho greets me with a warm hug and then leads me toward the kitchen where Jinki and Kibum are preparing food.

“Mmm, smells good over here. Where’s Taemin?” I ask no one in particular while I make my way to sit on a spinning stool by the island.

“He’s not here yet,” Kibum answers me while he holds a wooden spoon in front of me to let me taste his soondubu stew. 

“What? He’s late even at his own party being held at his house. Great.” I say as I nod approvingly to Kibum, telling him that it’s delicious.

Jinki giggles. “That’s our youngest.”

I laugh, wiping off droplets of soup on my chin.

“Speak of the devil,” Kibum mutters as soon as I hear the front door beep. 

I welcome Taemin with a giggle and my arms open for a hug. “Hey, what are you doing late at your own party?” I say, pulling away from his one-hand embrace.

“I came as fast as I could. You’re at my house. Stop complaining!” he laughs too.

. . .

It is now four hours later. Jonghyun and I are back in his car on our way to his apartment. I insisted he takes me home but he insisted harder for me to stay at his place since it’s closer.

“Plus, I missed you and I want to be with you a little longer,” he says, kissing my hand while his eyes are on the road. 

“Really? Well...” I say, having something in mind. I start drawing closer to him and slide my palm on his lap up to his crotch. I lean in closer, humming into his ear.

He swallows. “Hey, I’m driving.”

I laugh at him. “Fine, I’ll wait until we get home.”

“Home?” He looks at me for a second, smiling. Then back on the road.

I pause, thinking of what I said. “What?” 

“Did you just propose for us to live together?”

“Where’d that come from? You’re making stuff up again.” I playfully punch his arm.

He laughs out loud. It is so beautiful that it is the most musical sound I’ve ever heard.

After a few seconds of silence, he grabs my hand. I turn to him, waiting for him to say something. “So, do you want to move in?”

My mouth opens in quite a confusion but immediately curves into a huge smile. “Yeah, of course! I’d love that,” I screech. I lean into him for a kiss on his cheek, then rest my head on his shoulder while he pulls over into parking.

He turns to me, cupping my cheek. “I love you so much, Y/n.” 

It makes me melt every time he says those words to me. My eyes fill in with tears. “I love you, too.”

---

TWO YEARS EARLIER

An overflowing burning sensation boils in my stomach, making me abruptly sit up and throw up on myself. I feel like my internal organs are about to come out of my mouth. I feel so heavy that I can't open my eyes. When I do, it’s brief and cloudy.

I suddenly hear the door open. Somebody walks into my room. A nurse perhaps. After I feel them carefully laid me back down, I catch a blurry figure of a man standing in my direction by the door outside my room. Before I can control my own consciousness, everything goes black again.

. . .

I slowly open my eyes with the sun blaring at me. It irritates the shit out of me. I get out of bed in an attempt to close my blinds but somebody stops me.

“Whoa, wait, be careful.” A guy in a hospital gown like mine suddenly appears before me. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I glare at him.

He looks startled by my sudden rage. Despite this, he adjusts the wire connecting the needle inserted in my arm and the IV that’s hung next to my bed before I could mess it up. 

“Let me get that for you,” he mutters before closing the blinds for me, leaving a bit of sunlight.

My face relaxes from frowning as I watch him walk back toward me. He sits on the chair next to my bed. I notice his attractive appearance. Dark hair that covers his entire forehead, a cute smile and a muscular body. I somehow get lost in his stare with those innocent and sparkly eyes, making the anger inside me fade. I feel some kind of warm relief. 

“Uh, I’m Jonghyun. Sorry to disturb you. I just wanted to see how you’re doing. I have not heard about you since I found you on the roof a few days ago.”

I snap out, bringing back my scowl. “Why?”

He stutters. “Well-”

“We don’t even know each other.”

“No, but-”

“Do you like me? Is that why you saved me?” I’m getting more pissed with this stranger in my room. “Or are you just trying to be some kind of a hero that saves my life, then our story would turn into a cheesy romantic cliché?

Silence. He just stares at me. Probably awkward and shocked.

“Get out of here before I call security.”

Without saying anything else, he gets up from his seat and walks to the door. Looking flustered, he glances back at me before sliding it close behind him. 

. . .

The moon has come out. It’s the only time of day that I appreciate the outside. I stand before the window, looking out, watching the cars and cabs go about down there. Thinking that there are millions of people existing, I question why the fuck I’m alone. 

Literally. 

Emotionally. 

I fall on my butt, and for the first time in almost a year, I cry out loud. Extremely loud. Numbingly loud. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I pull my hair out, punch my head, slap my own face. Dig my nails into my neck, scratch down to my chest, and then my arms. I kick my legs hysterically. Repeatedly.

I hate being alive. 

Eventually, my hearing went faint, abandoning its purpose. I feel someone grab me from behind, restraining me tightly. 

“Let me go! Just please let me go. Please! I don’t want to be alive anymore.” I continue to scream furiously, trying to escape everything that tries to come at me.

But then, I see that it’s Minho who’s hugging me. I crash into his arms, shut the fuck up, and cry silently. 

“Y/n, I’m here. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. I’m here for you. Please, stop now,” he hushes me. I can finally hear his voice. He's the only one I can trust. His embrace is the only comforting thing to me.

I’m breathing heavily, trying to calm down. I watch a nurse approach with a syringe but Minho immediately shoves it away. 

We just stayed like this. I have not idea how long but I don’t want it to end.

After some time, the noises in my head settle down. I can see clearly again. 

---

PRESENT DAY

JONGHYUN

After my radio show, I come home to a beautiful lady waiting for me on the couch in the dressing gown I got her for Christmas last year, and a pair of thick-framed reading glasses with a book in hand. 

I join her, laying my head between her breasts. “Hi, roomie.” I look up at her, then give her a wink. We talked about moving in together weeks ago and the day I’d been waiting for has finally come. She’s finally settled in with me. There couldn’t be any other day happier than this.

She hisses. “Shut up,” then goes back to reading her book, blocking my view of her pretty little face. 

I hiss back. I then crawl out off the couch to pick her up bridal style, spinning her around.

Y/n shrieks, laughing. “Jonghyun, stop!” 

So I do. “Oh, hey, we haven’t done that thing couples do once they move in.”

“I thought you were going to be too tired from work,” she says, her arms around my neck.

Her thinking about sex is heaven to me! But that’s not what I’m talking about. “No, stupid,” I chuckle at her while I put her down on her feet. “Come here.” I grab her hand for her to follow me out the front door. 

“Wait, what? Where are we going? I’m not dressed,” she complains.

I close the door once we get out. Y/n is still confused about what we’re doing. I pick her up again, bridal style. “Now, enter the code.”

She doesn’t say anything else and does as I say.

Once she opens the door, “Welcome home!” I cheer.

She laughs out loud. “Oh, so now we’re officially living together. Amazing!” she says playfully.

But I don’t put her down just yet and head to the bedroom.

“What are you doing?”

“We’re doing that other thing that couples do when they move in together.” 

“Yay!” she cheers, then kisses me deeply on the spot as I bring the action to our bedroom. 

---

TWO YEARS EARLIER

There’s a knock on the door while I watch a movie on the flatscreen. I hit pause on the remote control.

“Hyung!” Minho calls out enthusiastically as he enters my room with bags of food in his hand.

“Hey! What are you doing here?”

“What? Can’t a guy visit his guy friend who is unlucky enough to get into an accident?” he jokes around, handing me my lunch.

“Thank you very much,” I bow to him. 

Minho and I do some catching up, talking about his new drama series, and some other work stuff until our conversation finds itself about the girl staying next door.

“Then she just kicked me out of her room and threatened to call security on me. This is what she did to a person who saved her life?” I pout.

“Oh, my God. You’re the stalker she’s been talking about?”

“Stalker? Woah, that woman. After what I did for her?” My blood is boiling with intense irritation. But it subsides quickly once I realize something. “Wait, you know her?”

“Yeah, I actually spent the night in her room.”

I pause, staring at Minho in confusion. “You’re not… Nothing’s going on with you two, is there?

“Oh, no. Nothing like that. I’ve known her since childhood. Our parents used to be close. That was when her mother was still alive and her dad hadn’t moved to Japan.”

“Wow, she has it tough, huh?” Just like that, irritation turns compassion. 

“Yeah, but there’s more to that. Something that no one can explain, not even her herself.”

She’s been suicidal. Her depression has taken a lot from her. Hearing this makes me want to look after her more.

---

PRESENT DAY

Y/N

Since then, Jonghyun had been visiting me every evening to have dinner together even when I kept pushing him away, asking him to stop trying to save me.

Days after he got discharged, he came back, but I wasn’t in my room anymore. When he found out that I was transferred to the psychiatric ward, he came running to my door.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were being transferred?”

“Why would I?” I frowned.

“Right,” he laughed awkwardly. 

His phone vibrated in his pocket. 

“Hey, what are you-” 

He trailed off, his face turning red as he listened. It’s definitely Minho.

I suddenly snatched the phone from Jonghyun’s hand and walk near the door out of earshot. “Hey, where the hell are you?” I scolded Minho in a whisper. “You are not letting him-”

“It’s okay, Y/n. He means well. Maybe it’s time for you to let somebody else in for a change,” he laughed statically. “Love you.” 

I sighed in irritation as I heard the dial tone. “Here.” I hand Jonghyun’s phone back to him while he just smiled at me goofily.

If it wasn’t for Minho, I never would’ve trusted anyone again. And because of Jonghyun, trusting and loving again was worth it. 

By the time I got discharged from the ward, Jonghyun and I eventually started dating officially. He was always there for me. Offered to come with me to my therapist twice a week but I insisted that I could go by myself. I would meet the rest of the boys not long after we got together. Since then, I’ve got the best friends ever.

Sooner or later, I would get back to work in teaching kindergarten. I can’t imagine my career going any other way. I thank myself for being alive today. Some days, I’d join Jonghyun and the boys in organizing a charity mission. I’d teach kids in far provinces. I forgot how fulfilling working with children was when I was too busy being miserable.

I’ve never felt so alive. Not to mention grateful. 

“I’m so proud of you, honey,” my dad tells me with a big smile on his face.

“Thanks, Dad,” I smile back at my computer screen. “By the way, when are you coming? You should tell me ahead of time so I can prepare you something.”

Before I can hear his response, the front door of my apartment beeped. “Oh, I have to go. Jonghyun’s here.”

“I should really meet this Jonghyun. You’re talking about him a lot,” he says.

I shake my head and laugh at him before hanging up.

“Was that your dad?” Jonghyun asks as soon as he approaches and kisses me on the lips.

“Yeah.”

“Is he coming to visit?”

“He didn’t say,” I tell him, shutting down my laptop.

I stare at Jonghyun while he removes his shoes and walks towards me.

“What?” he asks, then kisses me on the forehead.

Trying not to tear up, I just shake my head and giggle at him. If it wasn’t for Jonghyun, my life would be so much different right now. Hell, I’d be dead. Because of him, I regained my bond with my dad. 

Months ago, they had to go to Japan for work and he made me come with them so my father and I could finally talk. We had never seen eye to eye ever since Mom died. We had drifted apart. Now, we are closer than ever.

I’m not saying my depression is gone and my attacks are non-existent anymore. They still come every now and then, although not as bad as before. Jonghyun has always been so caring and understanding. I could cry just thinking about it. I got to be with the best person and have the best friends in the world. 

#hi! it's been quite a while since i last posted a story on here #the last post i made was in June 2021 #anyway i'm always grateful for everyone who reads my work and likes them #i'm not promising anything but i'll try to post more stories for you #i hope you enjoy this Jonghyun x reader fiction #in this piece i expressed how much Jonghyun and the rest of SHINee means to me despite having to go through difficult times #happy reading! #shinee jonghyun #kim jonghyun #SHINee fanfiction #shinee fanfic #shinee x reader #jonghyun x reader

[vinyl-head]

Kpop theories that are just facts but I can’t legally say are facts because JYP will sue me, drain my bank account, and leave me more poor than I currently am, Part 2:

Slight CW/TW

This opinion mentions the musician Kim Jonghyun of Shinee, his posthumous album, Poet|Artist, as well as his su*c*de. If the latter is triggering to you or bound to cause discomfort or shift in behaviors/thoughts, do not interact or read at your own risk. Thank you.

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I rarely get to talk about this because of how sensitive some people may be to the topic but as someone who has attempted su*c*de before and struggles with su*c*dal thoughts, all I can say is: Poet | Artist was a pretty good “Damned if I do, Damned if I don’t” album.

It’s unfortunate that we lost Jonghyun, someone who refreshed and challenged the norms of the K-pop world with his actions and music, but I believe if he had not taken his life, this album would’ve been seen as any other Jonghyun solo album. We’d analyze the lyrics a bit, we’d praise the songs for having deeper meanings than what we normally hear, and we’d continue to say “yeah, that’s Jonghyun for you”, but knowing he has passed, each song hits much deeper.

The title track (Shinin’) sounds like any regular song, it’s a good song to bop to, but knowing he’s gone and hearing the chorus (“Always be with you”), it’s bittersweet to listen to, even if you weren’t a hardcore fan of his. His following tracks, in my personal opinion, detail the harassment and prejudice he’s faced from the world in many forms as well as social media’s affects on daily behavior and attitudes (‘#Hashtag’ and ‘Sightseeing’). And the final track (Before Our Spring) paints a picture of seasonal depression and how pushing through until you reunite with the people you’re accustomed to and familiar with will pull you from that dark place. But this is just my interpretation of the tracks.

I’ve been overthinking and overanalyzing this album ever since his passing simply because, had he attempted but came out fine in the end, we wouldn’t bat an eye, he and the rest of the world can pretend that nothing had happened and he’s the same as always. If he had attempted but managed to be hospitalized or injured in a way that will clearly draw public attention, people will look deeply into this album and understand his frustrations, maybe not do much to ease those frustrations but it’ll be clear the impact it’s had on him. And, with the results of him attempting and succeeding, this album not only let people understand his frustrations and struggles but know the consequences of neglecting his years of openness with his struggles. Even if someone’s mental health isn’t your responsibility to manage to fix, it’s still important to remember that it starts somewhere and he’s always let us know where it began.

Overall, I always thought this album doubled as a su*c*de note in a way but was constructed in a way that no matter how things played out, it’s message wouldn’t change, whether people noticed it or not.

Again, this subject is a sensitive one and when first hearing of his passing, I couldn’t get into a single song with sobbing. But after listening to the songs, analyzing lyrics, and coming to terms with the fact that a piece of what made my life as a K-pop fan so enjoyable was gone, I found some relatability in it all. I felt that, as much as I, other Shawols, and his friends and family didn’t want him to go, this album served to show he went out speaking his mind and truth in the way he always has and knew best. Speculations over someone’s death, especially su*c*de, is so taboo and most times deemed insensitive and rude, but I wanted to express the feelings I’ve had over this album for the past 4 years.

Again, these are all notions and opinions as I know many won’t agree, but as Jonghyun’s birthday is one month away, it’s just one of those days where i think about this album and how it’s a poignant reminder of how thought out someone’s attempts may be and, in the potential months/year(s) it took to create this album, how much he really mulled over his feelings and came to this resolve.

But please remember that even if you feel hopeless or that your mental illnesses are only dragging you down, there are people and resources to help and you are not alone. You’re in a chapter of your life you’ve never experienced and it’s scary, but please don’t cut it short because you’re scared of what the next page will bring. Rewrite the story a million times over until you’ve found the happiest ending for you.

(I won’t be using my usual tags because I feel it’s a bit inappropriate for a post like this)

#kpop #kpop blog #kpop opinions #kim jonghyun #shinee #shawol #sm entertainment

[waitingforminjae]

Have you ever read the lyrics for Shinee's You & I or Key's I Will Fight? Key wrote them and it just hits me in my Jongkey feels.. You can tell how much he loved him and meant to him just from the lyrics. Taemin sounds like Jjong in parts of You & I it which is sad but beautiful in its own self cuz Tae admired Jonghyun so much and probably was influenced by him vocally. Onew also has a note in You & I that I could have sworn was Jjong.

Taemin really does sound so much like Jonghyun, it’s uncanny. It’s haunting when he covers his parts in songs tbh. 

I’m gonna stick the rest of this under a read more (that will hopefully work) bc I do have thoughts abt those songs, but they’re gonna be rambly and probably go between being objective and not objective, so.

[You & I Lyrics] [I Will Fight Lyrics]

First of all, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how sincere art is the purest form of expression. I believe art is our way of expressing things that we don’t have simple words for. That’s why it moves us, how it connects us together. Why it’s so beautiful, so precious, and so important. I think these songs are good examples of that.

The power of these songs is in their intimacy. They’re not for us. They’re to Jonghyun, and for Key and SHINee. I’m gonna try to respect SHINee’s privacy and not psychoanalyze or speculate about things to much, but I think it’s safe to say that they went through a traumatic experience in the public eye, and then they had to process it in the public eye as well. So, while fans are witnesses to these songs, they are not necessarily for us. That’s important to remember.

But, objectively speaking, both of these songs are absolutely breathtaking. They’re masterpieces, from a writing point of view. Which is how I’m going to try and talk about them, because I think the intimate nature of their meaning speaks for itself, and I don’t think it’s right to speculate abt it further.

The chorus in You&I is one of the most beautiful pieces of writing I think I’ve ever come across, honestly. “My heart isn’t just a decoration” is honestly devastating. Especially bc it’s delivered in such a soft way. The speaker of the song isn’t angry. They’re just being honest. It makes me think of the people who accused them of trying to use Jonghyun for clout. It’s a reminder that everything we talk about, SHINee actually experienced it. They’re the ones having to live with it. They’re real people, not just some abstract thing for us to talk about and dissect.

Honestly, the whole song is full of just really good phrases. Like, “flowers of space” is a really interesting combinations of images, and as a reader, I feel like even though it’s strange I can still see it perfectly. I do think of flowers as blooming outward, and so the simile to the words spilling out makes sense. It’s memorable. And the “handful of memories”. God. That’s just so so so gorgeous. I wish I could write like that. The “annyeong, annyeong, annyeong” makes me think of Jonghyun’s “annyeong, annyeong” in Elevator. And the line, “I’ll let you go now, but don’t think you’re just stepping over me.” GOD. The idea that the subject of the song think of the speaker as trivial, the idea that the speaker thinks the subject thinks of them as trivial, hurts so much. It’s a colloquial phrase too, which lends to that sense of intimacy I talked about earlier. But, yeah. Beautiful. So beautiful.

And I Will Fight. God. Well, first of all, if you aren’t familiar with Vinxen, I would recommend checking him out. He’s the perfect choice to feature on this song.

The lines that hit me hard were “I’m gonna be your light, so don’t be hurt anymore, I will live for you, for us,” and “the pages you couldn’t finish, I will write them,” and “I will make it so that you can find the you that you didn’t know tooA mirror of a shining me and fight for you, for us...”.

For me, this song is about the passage of time, which can be scary to think about. There’s nothing the speaker can do about the past, so all he can do is keep moving forward. He wants to keep living for this person, he knows he has to keep living, but he’s scared of how the memories will fade. Which is a deeply personal conflict, and so everything abt the lyrics are deeply personal, so I don’t really feel like discussing them to much. Because, like I said, the lyrics aren’t for us.

Anyway the tl;dr is that they’re beautiful songs that I love and only wish I could be able to write!

#the asks and the answers #i really am trying to not psychoanalyze them anymore but it's hard when talking abt 2018 stuff #shinee #key #kim kibum #kibum #key kibum #mine #p: key #god they're such beautiful songs tho #literally breathtaking #i hope this made sense anon and sorry it took so long

[haknyeonrk]

⋆｡°✩ mga season four. ep ix. finals. ‹ #4010 › ⇢ performance: stand by me // line distribution     BOYS II MEN 

this was a competition after all. haknyeon’s known that but when their rankings are revealed he can’t help but open his mouth wide. first on his team yet they ranked second last –– what did that mean for him? still, he’d made it to the finals, he was a step closer now. so close, so so close.

the picking of positions felt a little cruel, haknyeon stands there watching as the people ranked below him chose their positions first. there are only two rapper parts –– two –– and as he eyed the room, he could tell very well that there were more than just simply two rappers, him included. he has his eyes fixated on rapper number one, he likes the flow of that part, the lyrics too. thinks that he can pull it off pretty well. he grips onto his shirt hard, as he watches the spots fill up, and lets out an ‘oh no,’ when jonghyun picks the position of rapper number one.

it’s his turn next to pick and haknyeon stands in front of the board, in total conflict. he wants rapper position number one, has the ability to push jonghyun out of that rapper position. he stares at the board and his face is full of conflict. though if he pushed jonghyun to rapper number two, would that mean that his own chances of keeping a rapper spot be decreased?

“i...” he begins, and he really wants rapper one, yet there’s this conflict going on in his mind. he’s given the ability to do so ... so, why not? this was a competition.

a competition. and haknyeon wasn’t too sure if it was alright if he kept playing the nice guy anymore.

he moves his own photo to the position of rapper number one and puts jonghyun’s aside. then, picking up jonghyun’s he stares at the positions left. he could put him in rapper number two, sure, but that could ruin his own chances of staying as rapper. so he places the boy at vocal four. the singing isn’t too strenuous and jonghyun could get a good amount of screentime. at least, he tells himself that.

it’s hard to ignore just how shocked the other contestants look by his choices. haknyeon’s been a pretty sweet kid throughout this whole competition, perhaps he never looked like the type to pull something... like this. though it hurt him, and when he catches sight of jonghyun’s expression the guilt settles in. “hyung, i’m really sorry,” he says, but the guilt doesn’t go away.

it’s a competition. 

though haknyeon doesn’t get to keep his role as rapper number one. he’s kicked out by wonwoo, to which haknyeon can only respond to with a tired sigh. of course, with the placement he was in, it would’ve been too much to ask him to remain in the rapper position. he’s shifted to vocal eight and he bites on his bottom lip. a vocalist? haknyeon was nothing of that sort. his only shining hope here was that he’d have to repeat the same three words over and over again and that he had the ending line.

there’s more intensity this time as they practice. it’s the finals and everyone has something on the line. ten boys... haknyeon remembers when there were more and now here he was with nine other boys, trying to achieve something. 

throughout his time practicing though, haknyeon still feels an odd sense of guilt for what he’s done to jonghyun –– he feels as though he’s played dirty, despite it being a competition. he’s never been the kind of boy to do something like this, but perhaps the mgas had let out a side of him even he wasn’t sure existed. 

still, he tries to apologize to jonghyun a few times but the responses he gets are lukewarm. he’s only able to look at jonghyun with his eyebrows furrowed. 

truth be told, haknyeon’s in love with the song and especially so the dance. and he doesn’t hide how much he likes it. he expresses just how much he loves the performance from time to time, “the song is seriously so good,” he says, “the dance and formation is really amazing!”

they make use of chairs and it all feels so stylish. haknyeon feels like a true performer, maybe even idol, whilst learning this song that was composed specifically for the last episode. he forgets about how upset he’d been at the fact that there weren’t enough rapper parts, and instead takes it all in stride. 

he had to do well with what he was given and haknyeon would make sure of that.

learning choreography has never been much of a struggle for haknyeon but now he had to sing. he stays back till the wee hours of the night nearly everyday to focus on his singing. it’s only three words yet he wanted to do it flawlessly, wanted to do it well.

“stand... stand by me,” he starts to sing. he sits on the floor and stares at the piece of paper, frustrated. it’s scribbled with notes –– from the choreography to the singing, with haknyeon making arrows to point out which parts to raise his voice. “stand by me!” he sings again, louder this time, as he tries to hit the notes. 

“stand by me, stand by me, stand by me,” he sings and to make sure he can hit the notes, he pinches his thigh, hard. when he’s finally able to reach the notes he smiles, wide. he doesn’t pay much attention to the redness on his thigh but he does rub on it a little because it stings. he walks around the practice room, repeating his lines whenever he can, finds himself humming the tune of the song. you can do this, you can do this.

the dance itself, is something haknyeon had no qualms with. he’s almost glad that he’s been placed at vocal eight. the last line too is his and he tells himself to make the most out of it.

this was the finals and haknyeon wanted to perform with no regrets.

the day arrives. it’s actually it, he’s made it this far into the mgas. he performs his solo first before he’s made to change and get ready for the group performance. he takes in a deep breath, remembers the feeling of seeing so many people out there cheering him on. he’d known the mgas was a pretty popular show but this? this was almost surreal to him.

he can hear the cheering from backstage and he tries to let out any bit of nervousness he’d be feeling by jumping up and down. the boys are called up to get ready and haknyeon nods his head. it’s game time. and he’ll do well –– he has to.

the chairs are lined up and they all stand in position. as the song begins, haknyeon lifts his arm up, chic. he’d said it before but he loved the dance, loved the formation of it all. they snap their fingers and turn, moving from one position to another, before they all sit on the chair. it starts with changmin and haknyeon’s already in the groove of the song, ready to put on an unforgettable stage. 

fuck his fears.

he focuses on dancing as they’d choreographed, utilising the chairs and moving to smoothly. legs, arms, body. the chorus comes and haknyeon continues dancing, his eyes holding a kind of fire to them. 

after jonghyun’s part, it’s haknyeon’s. he moves to the front of the stage as the other boys line up behind him before they disperse into a v formation with every movement he does. 

stand by me stand by me stand by me

he sings, loud, confident. his face shows a fire, and while his lines are short, he tries to make his part in the center memorable –– wants to make it count.

his part ends and the performance continues. haknyeon dances, takes in the crowd cheering, how amazing the song is. despite not having a ton of parts he’s enjoying this, he loves the feeling of performing. 

nan only you keep it true we’ve been through please keep it to yourself

they all say these lines together and haknyeon feels a sense of unison. he points at the crowd, playful smirk on his face. the two vocalists hit their high notes and they repeat the chorus.

his next part is coming soon, and it’s a part he actually really likes despite it being only a line long. a part he wants to own and make his. he walks to the back as the rest dances and sits on the chair for the last line.

너 자체가 나의 benefit ( your existence is my benefit )

he crosses his legs and stares at the camera, raising a brow. he makes himself look tough, manly almost with an arm on the chair, and a smirk on his face. maybe he didn’t start the song but he ends it and he wants to end it with an impact. 

the stage turns dark and the girls come on for their ending group performance. it’s the first time he’s performed something like this but haknyeon takes in the energy of the cheers, knows that he’s not the only feeling intense joy right now. it’s an amazing feeling –– he doesn’t want to forget it not even for a moment.

and with that, the performances finally end. he smiles bright at the crowd, everything is blinding and he loves this. he’s in love with this feeling.

#rkmga4 #rkmga4final #this is so bittersweet

[taeminuet]

Asphodel (13/?)

Title: Asphodel Fandom: SHINee (ft. EXO and f(x) members) Pairings: JongTae, OnKai Chapter Wordcount: ~2k Chapter Rating: PG-13

Previous Chapters

Collab with @eorumverba; the next chapter can be found on their blog next Friday~

Edit: I am truly so sorry that this is so late in the day. I scheduled this last night for “tomorrow at 2pm” without checking the time. Apparently it was after midnight and it kicked the post to Saturday. I truly apologize;;

Jonghyun is honestly extremely glad that Luna doesn’t hate them.They’re not entirely sure what response they expected from a mom catching them curled up under a blanket with her son, clearly about to kiss him, but they hadn’t entirely been sure it would be this. But Luna is smiling, voice mostly teasing, and Jonghyun smiles back in response.

“Yes, ma’am,” they say, because they at least know how to be polite, and it makes Luna smile more. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

Taemin looks embarrassed, but Jonghyun is glad. At least Taemin is calmer now, and embarrassed is a big improvement over panicking. “Mom,” he says, all but burying his face in Jonghyun’s shoulder to hide. Not that Jonghyun minds.

Luna only laughs at him though, not mocking, but in that gentle maternal way. “Are you staying for dinner then, Jonghyun?” she asks.

“Uhm,” Jonghyun starts, and looks to Taemin for an answer. If Taemin wants them there, they’ll stay. If not, well, that’s more Taemin’s decision than theirs.

But Taemin only nods quickly against their shoulder, whispers out a muffled sentence that Jonghyun is pretty sure is, “please stay.”

Jonghyun can’t refuse that. “If it’s alright with you, ma’am.”

“Of course,” Luna says. “I wouldn’t have invited you if it wasn’t. I think Jongin is staying too. Staying the night, actually. His parents have something to do and your dad figured you’d enjoy the company, Taemin.”

“Oh,” Taemin says, and then mumbles, “Yeah, sure, fine.”

It’s evidently not the reaction Luna was hoping for. She pauses for a moment, considering, and then adds, almost like an offering to Taemin, “You’re welcome to stay too, Jonghyun. If it’s alright with your parents.”

Taemin perks up a little, but Jonghyun freezes. It’s been awhile since something like this came up, and they’re actually put off kilter for a moment. “I can call them and ask,” they lie. They’re pretty sure that even if they could call their mom, it would mostly just seem like some kind of super messed-up prank. “But I’m sure it’s fine. I’d like to.”

“Good,” Luna says, with some sense of finality. “Go ahead and call so they don’t worry, alright. Taemin, sweetheart, can you come help me in the kitchen?”

“I…” Taemin starts, clearly reluctant, but Luna’s soft smile gives no room for argument, and he nods. He peels himself away from Jonghyun’s side and follows his mother. And Jonghyun, with nothing really to do, ducks into the side hall to pretend to call their parents.

In the kitchen, he hears Luna talking to Taemin, voice kept soft, and while they can’t see her expressions or actions, her voice is soft as she murmurs, “Taemin, you know you can come to me or your father with anything.”

“I know, mom,” Taemin says, but his voice is doubtful at best. Jonghyun doesn’t know how Luna replies, but it’s either nonverbal or too quiet to hear, and a moment later, Taemin says, “I’m… it’s okay, mom. Really.”

Jonghyun feels bad listening in now. They feel even worse with the knowledge that Taemin is lying, that he definitely wasn’t okay this afternoon. Wasn’t okay yesterday when he’d come home hurt and nobody had even noticed.

But it’s… it’s really not their place. They can be there for Taemin, but that’s about all they can do right now. So they step away, far enough not to be eavesdropping on the conversation, and wait just long enough not to be suspicious before knocking on the doorframe of the kitchen and pushing inside.

Taemin is leaning up against the counter where they kissed only yesterday, and when Jonghyun enters the room, he looks up and meets Jonghyun’s eyes for a moment before ducking his head shyly, lifting a hand in a motion somewhere between hiding a smile and touching his own lips.

Jonghyun wants to kiss him again, but Luna is right there, and they’re pretty sure it wouldn’t exactly be appropriate, so instead they just move in to be next to him, squeezing Taemin’s hand gently in their own. “I can stay.”

“Wonderful,” Luna says. “Would you two like to help cook then?”

Which is how Jonghyun ends up standing at the counter, helping to chop vegetables (apparently one of the only jobs that Taemin is allowed in the kitchen after a few incidents) while Taemin not-so-subtly steals pieces of food before they’re done. It’s strangely nice in a domestic sort of way. More so than Jonghyun ever remembers his own home feeling.

And then Jinki appears in the kitchen with Jongin trailing after him like a particularly affectionate puppy, and Jonghyun all but feels his heart sink.

It probably doesn’t mean anything to anyone else, but he remembers Kibum and Gwiboon’s commentary, remembers the laugh in Gwiboon’s voice as she commented on Jinki and Jongin’s relationship. And there’s a faint bruised patch on Jongin’s skin, just inside the collar of his shirt like it’s meant to be hidden, the kind of bruise that Jonghyun knows is left by someone’s mouth.

Luna turns around to smile at them both, flicking off the burner. “Good timing,” she says, too sweetly. “How did the lesson go?”

“Very good,” Jinki says, and very pointedly doesn’t reach out for Jongin he way he so easily has the last few times Jonghyun has seen them. It would be normal except for the break in character, the way Jongin pulls tight to himself even as he flushes under Jinki’s praise of, “Jongin’s wonderful. He learns so fast.”

“That’s wonderful, Jongin,” Luna says, and it’s not hard to see that her words don’t have anywhere near the same effect, though he nods politely, murmuring thanks.

“And who is this?” Jinki asks, looking at Jonghyun.

“Jonghyun,” Jonghyun answers, and forgets for a long minute to even try to apply the same politeness that they automatically had for Luna. “Sir.”

“Oh,” Jinki says, and smiles so brightly that Jonghyun is actually a little taken aback. “It’s nice to meet you. Taemin’s told me good things. You live nearby?”

“Yeah. Pretty close,” Jonghyun says, shifting a little nervously.

Jongin narrows his eyes a little, cocking his head in confusion. “I don’t--” he starts, looking intently at Jonghyun.

“Jonghyun’s staying for dinner, darling,” Luna says absently, accidentally cutting him off. “Would you mind setting the table for five?”

Jonghyun relaxes. They really, really don’t need to deal with that line of questioning right now.

“Of course, dear,” Jinki says, and his eyes flicker to Jongin for a moment, “Jongin, would you like to help?”

And Jongin still looks a little suspicious, but he also hangs off of Jinki’s every word, and after a moment he turns to Jinki, chirpy and eager to please. “Yes, sir.”

He follows Jinki out of the room, and Jonghyun waits for another moment before turning back. Taemin is watching Jongin and Jinki go, some sort of sadness in his face, and Jonghyun doesn’t know what it is, but they take a moment to pull him aside when Luna begins to follow with food.

“Tae?” they ask. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Taemin says, and it’s got a hint of bitter amusement. But it clears up after a moment, and he steps closer to Jonghyun. “Nothing. Really nothing. You’re here. It’s okay.”

Jonghyun pauses, just for a second, and then pulls Taemin in, leaning up onto their toes so that they’re almost tall enough to properly envelop Taemin in a hug. “Yeah,” they say. “I’m here.”

Taemin slumps a little in their arms, seeming to fold himself in until he’s smaller, more secure. “Thank you,” he says, quietly.

“You don’t have to thank me.”

Taemin hums noncommittally. After a minute, he pulls back and gestures halfheartedly towards the dining room. “We should go eat.”

He doesn’t sound terribly excited about the prospect. But he takes Jonghyun hand and pulls them with him into the other room where his parents and Jongin are already sitting, Luna at the end of the table with Jinki and Jongin on one side of it and spaces for Taemin and Jonghyun on the other. Taemin slips into the seat next to his mother, and Jonghyun follows suit, taking the seat next to him.

“Jonghyun,” Luna says, almost the moment they sit down, waiting only long enough for them to start eating. “We’ve heard a lot about you from Taemin. You don’t go to school with him and Jongin, do you?”

“Ah, no. I, uh… I’m out of high school,” they say, smiling awkwardly. Had been for a few years actually. With no actual diploma to speak of. Not that it mattered. Hard to get a job when they were officially dead. And eternally bound to their old bedroom.

“I don’t remember seeing you around school,” Jongin says suddenly, half startling Jonghyun.

“It’s not a small school,” Jonghyun says. “And I kept to myself, mostly.”

Jongin gives him a look, but it’s hardly a second before he drops his eyes and starts picking at his food. Next to him, Jinki smiles genially. “What do you do now then, Jonghyun?” he asks, eating with one hand, the other is beneath the table somewhere, and Jonghyun feels a lurch of unplaceable discomfort in their stomach. “Are you going to college? Working?”

“I’m taking some time,” they say, smiling weakly. So much for half truths. “Figuring out what I want to do for the rest of my… life.”

“And have you figured anything out?” Luna says, and she makes it sound curious, not accusatory. She’s not blaming him for not having his life figured out. Jonghyun would take that to heart if they were still actually alive.

Jonghyun shrugs. “I like music,” they say, as much of a non-answer as possible, and also one that seems like it’ll suit this family perfectly. It’s not a lie, either. They’d played a lot of guitar before. They kind of stopped a little after their death but before their mom managed to sell the house. The sounds of it used to make her cry.

“Oh, you said you write lyrics,” Taemin says suddenly, as if remembering a conversation, and then he pauses, a bite of food halfway to his mouth and looks curiously between Jonghyun and Luna, brow furrowing.

“That’s impressive,” Jinki says, and smiles disarmingly. Or it would be disarming if Jongin didn’t look quite so much like a puppy whose owner was giving attention to someone else. God. If Gwiboon is right, these two aren’t subtle at all. “I’d like to hear sometime. If you’re willing to show. I have a bit of an ear for music.”

“Maybe sometime, yeah,” Jonghyun said, glancing at Taemin. He’s stopped eating, frowning at his plate as if lost in thought, and Jonghyun reaches out, touching his forearm gently, almost casually. Taemin doesn’t pull away, but he does startle, looking at Jonghyun for a moment with something questioning and concerned in his eyes.

“Can we be excused, mom?” Taemin asks the moment everyone is done eating.

Luna looks worried for a moment, but Jinki only nods. After a minute, Jongin shifts restlessly. “I--” he says, and clears his throat as if he doesn’t quite trust his voice. “I think I’m done too. Thank you for dinner.”

“Would you like to help me clear up then, Jongin?” Jinki asks, and Jongin nods, standing to follow, his body angled slightly away from them as he help gather plates and follows Jinki towards the kitchen.

Taemin catches Jonghyun by the arm and tugs gently, leaving only enough time for Jonghyun to say, “Thank you so much, ma’am,” before they’re pulled away.

#SHINee fic #SHINee fanfiction #Jongtae #Onkai #asphodel #my writing #the awkward dinner scene lmao #edit: i am truly So. Sorry.

[kinky-kpop-writer-blog]

My 5 Husbands

Chapter Four - Photoshoot part 1

11416 word count without space

I do NOT own SHINee but I do claim the idea and Kasumi

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Walking out of the studio, Kasumi moved to open the front door, but a hand stopped her when it softly took her wrist. Turning her head to see who was touching her, she found a smiling Jonghyun. “Why don’t you sit in the back with me, Jangiya?” Her eyes took in his pleading expression, the mere look reminding her of a begging puppy. She blushed at her thoughts, mentally scolding herself for thinking of him as a dog. Yet didn’t his fan club call him a cute puppy? A secret smile brushed her face.

“Sure.” Smiling, she climbed in after Kibum, slipping into the empty middle seat beside the window, Jonghyun moving to the seat beside her as Jinki took the front seat. Minho climbed into the back seat beside Taemin and Kibum and soon they were off heading somewhere else.

“I had a really nice time dancing with you, Kasumi-ah.” Warm fingers reaches out and took her hand, bringing her eyes down to the difference between her small hands and his big, masculine ones. “Do you dance often?” Moving her eyes slowly up the perfect specimen of man, Kasumi admires the square sculpture of his jaw, something she hadn’t known she liked until meeting Jonghyun face-to-face. His full, always smiling lips that seemed to draw her in, his cute, angular nose, and finally up to those emotionally filled, light chocolate brown orbs surrounded by long black eyelashes that were blessed every time he blinked, to be allowed to kiss his roses cheeks.

Passing the tip of her tongue across her suddenly dry lips that wanted badly to be kissed, Kasumi recalled his question. “I had to take dance lessons for a few different rolls, so yeah. I guess you can say I do dance a lot. However, I don’t dance nearly as much as you guys do.”

What was wrong with her?!? She must have been out in the heat too long, because she was starting to get hot, and this had nothing to do with the temperature outside. This was all due to the Adonis sitting beside her. Sure she had known all five men were attractive, but being up close and personal with them was not something she had prepared herself for mentally. Her body was begging to be closer to them and she didn’t think she’d be able to stop herself if things got too hot and heaven with one of them.

Shaking her head to get her thoughts out of the gutter, Kasumi looked around. “Does anyone have any water?” A hand reached out, grasping a bottle of water that was half gone, and she smiled. However, he didn’t smile back. Instead, Minho didn’t even look at her. He kept his eyes on the water bottle, even as she bowed her head and thanked him.

Reaching out, she took the water bottle, their fingers brushing for a moment. Her eyes shot up to his, but he still refused to make eye contact with her. Something inside of her was disappointed, leaving her feeling even more confused. Their dance moments ago was so enchanting and intense, yet now, he had reverted back to the distant man from earlier. “Thank you.”

“Your welcome.” Letting the bottle go, Minho turned to stare out of the window, avoiding her all together. Pulling the water bottle over the seat, she settled back into her seat, unscrewing the cap.

The ride home seemed to take forever, Jonghyun, Kibum, and Taemin singing along with the radio, Minho switching from the window to his phone while Jinki slept in the front seat. Kasumi leaned her head back on the seat, her eyes sliding closed. “Don’t be too distant that you can’t rest on your husband’s shoulder.” The words were spoken so softly that she had even wondered if she were already asleep. But that wasn’t the case when a warm hand moved behind her neck, an arm slipping in and cradling her shoulders as if she were someone precious. She could smell the familiar scent of rugged pine needles and cologne. She knew it was Jonghyun before his scent hit her, seeing as he was the one sitting beside her.

Her thumb absentmindedly played with the band of her ring as she fought off a yawn. When the van pulled to a stop, Kasumi peeked lazily through her lashes to see where they were at. “I don’t want to wake her, so you guys get out and I’ll carry her.” The van shook as the rest of the guys climbed out, Jonghyun slipping the “sleeping” girl from her place on the bench seat and into his lap. Peeking through her lashes up at him as he fixed her in his arms, she flushed, noticing the small wink she received from him. A small smirk slipped across her lips upon realizing that he knew she was awake.

Scooting to the edge of the seat, Jonghyun effortlessly climbed from inside the car and out into the heat. She turned her face into his chest, wrapping her arms around his neck as he adjusted her in his arms. “She’s a lot lighter than she looks.” Her eyes shot open, her face turning further into his chest as she fought the urge to bite him for that comment.

“Noona doesn’t look like she weighs much though.” Kasumi tried her hardest to remain still, but she had a feeling most of them knew she was awake and just wanted to be carried by Jonghyun. Which she wasn’t going to lie. She’d do anything to stay in his arms a little longer.

“She’s lighter than you, Minnie.” He teased, walking behind them as they entered the air conditioned interior of the building. Goosebumps broke out over her exposed skin, causing a small shiver to rock her body. The soft chuckle brushed her ear. “Your breath is tickling my neck, Jangiya.” Jonghyun looked down at Kasumi, his cheeks a light shade of pink that she was sure matched her own.

“Sorry, Jonghyun Oppa.” She whispered, lifting her head and looking shyly at him. “You can set me down. I know I must be getting heavy.” Jonghyun leaned over, letting her feet touch the ground. Taking her arms from his neck, she looked up as he stood to his full height.

“You don’t even weigh as much as Minnie, so no worries.” Kasumi glanced at an annoyed Taemin, who was glaring at Jonghyun like he was annoyed.

“Ya! Don’t keep comparing my weight to women, Hyung. If it wouldn’t be for the Noona’s liking my child-ish appearance I’d bulk up like you, ya know.” Laughter filled the corridor as we made our way toward the studio where our photographer must be waiting.

“Don’t keep Kasumi-ya to yourself, Jonghyun-ah.” Turning her head, Kasumi blushed in embarrassment as Jinki walked over and tugged her into his side. “It’s sad enough I didn’t win, but now your going to keep her to yourself?” Feeling like the last piece of candy surrounded by five toddlers all wanting her for themselves, Kasumi smirked. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t like being wanted by so many attractive men.

“Welcome. Welcome.” Kasumi glanced up at a group of women walking toward them. She blinked, looking at each one of them in turn. Would it be pettie of her to wish these women weren’t so pretty?

Chewing on her bottom lip, she glanced at each of her husbands to find them all smiling at her as if to say they only had eyes for their wife. Which was ridiculous in a way because she was beginning to have to remind herself that none of this was real. Their feelings for her weren’t real. Sure she loves all of them, she even had crushes on them, but if she had to put a label on her feelings for them it wouldn’t be considered love. No. She was more infatuated with them. A fan for her idols.

Right?

“This way, Ms. Han.” Following two young women, both of whom were very attractive in her eyes, Kasumi walked away from Jinki’s side and into a room separate from the boys. She looked around to find her wedding dress from the night before. Wondering how they had cleaned it and had it ready for today, Kasumi watched as the two women picked up the dress and turned to Kasumi. She smiled softly, wishing that her Ai was there to help her instead of two women she didn’t know.

“Do you need some help, Ne-San?” Kasumi turned around, finding a tall young woman in her early twenties, dressed in a lime green sleeveless dress shirt, a tight, pencil skirt that showed off her long legs and black high heels that added two inches to her already five foot five frame. Her usually waist length black hair was now cut to her chin at an angle that left the back short and pixie cut. Her oval face was shining, her smile as pure and happy as always while her soft mocha brown orbs stared at her behind black rimmed glasses.

‘In those heels she is a little taller than Jonghyun Oppa,’ she thought, her smile taking in her close friend. “Ai-Chan!” Rushing forward, Kasumi wrapped her arms around her taller friends neck, embracing her as if she hadn’t seen the woman in months. “Where have you been? I woke up this morning and you were nowhere to be found.”

The two women hugged before separating, Ai moving to help the women with Kasumi’s dress as she undressed from her shorts and top. “My apologies, Ne-San, but I had a few things to set up for you. Such as getting Mr. Lee here from Osaka and setting up a day for you to get in the studio to run over some songs with SHINee.” Kasumi stood up straight, stepping into the dress before the women shimmied it up her hips.

“You mean I actually get to record a song with SHINee?” Kasumi’s eyes widened in shock at her friend and personal assistant as the women behind her laced up the back of her strapless dress.

Ai smirked as if she should know the answer already before confessing, “I may have had a hand in making that happen.” Kasumi smiles with excitement and joy as she tried her hardest not to jump up and down in excitement.

“Ai-chan, your the best!” Once she was free, she jumped at her assistant and hugged the women tightly.

“Don’t wrinkle your dress, Ne-San.” Kasumi stood up and walked over to the dressing room mirror and sat down. The same woman from yesterday walked over with a smile and set to work on removing Kasumi’s makeup from that morning and setting her up with an elegant bridal style.

Walking out of the changing room, hair curled slightly around her shoulders, veil once more on her head, Kasumi shuffled into the room, the soft buzzing of chatter stopping the moment her dress swished inside. Suddenly she froze up.

She was used to this, all eyes on her. She was, after all, an actress. She had done more in front of the screen and people that she was happy to admit, but it wasn’t their eyes that had her frozen in her tracks. No, it was the eyes that belonged to five different young men. Her husbands were all staring at her as if she were the most beautiful creature in the room. As if no one else were there but her. Even Minho was staring at her like he was love struck.

Why did that make her happy?

Walking across the crowded room, Kasumi stopped in front of her husbands, looking them each over as if she were seeing them for the first time. Her heart skipped a beat. “You all look so handsome.” She felt her cheeks getting warm, an annoying trait she had. Kasumi could blush at anything that either embarrassed her, excited her, or even aroused her. And right now, standing in front of five very handsome men, she was definitely a bit of all three.

“You look beautiful, Jangiya.” They all spoke in union, sending her heart into overdrive as her face grew hotter. Taemin walked forward and wrapped her in his arms.

“You’ll make a beautiful bride when you really do get married, Noona.” Leaning down, he kisses her check softly.

“Arigato, Taemin-kun.” Leaning up, even though she wore three inch heels, Kasumi still found him much taller than her. She pushed up on her toes so that she could planted a soft kiss upon his cheek. Suddenly music began to play, SHINee’s very own “If You Love Her” filled her ears and she held down a squeal of excitement. “I love this song.” She took Taemin’s hand and put them around her waist as she hugged his neck. “Dance with me again, Taemin-kun.”

Happily, Taemin moved slowly with her in his arms, his cologne filling her senses as they moved in front of the white screen and danced. She wasn’t even aware of the cameras flashing, her eyes locked on Taemin's happy brown orbs. He was so handsome to her, the light from the studio only adding a halo to his features.

Suddenly she was swept from his arms and into her Jinki’s arms, the two of them waltzing around the set as they smiled and laughed. She cuddled his neck, her heart hammering in her chest as he clutched her tighter to him. Being in such confident arms was intoxicating. “They’re all watching you, Jangiya,” he whispered, his breath tickling her ear. Kasumi picked her head up and stared into his sweet eyes. The way he was looking at her she would think he truly was in love.

“They’re all watching you, Oppa.” A shy smile graced his lips before a pair of hands tapped their shoulders. Turning their heads they were greeted by Key’s smiling face.

“Sorry to interrupt you love birds, but it’s my turn.” Jinki nodded, blushing, before softly kissing the back of her knuckles. Blushing, she watched him wink before walking away, leaving her alone with the ever flirtatious Kim Kibum. Sliding her arms up and around his neck, Kasumi enjoyed the slow sway he brought them to, their bodies inches apart as his hand held her waist as if she would break any second now. Tilting her head to the side, Kasumi stared into his eyes.

“Kibum Oppa,” His eyes sparkled as he danced with her, humming a soft answer to let her know he was all ears. “Is it possible, truly possible, to love more than one person?” Her face flushed with embarrassment as he smiled softly at her as if to say that he knew what she meant.

“I believe we do not choose whom our hearts love.” He spun her around, the skirt of her gown flaring out, before pulling her back into his embrace. “So yes, I do think it’s possible to truly love more than one person at a time.” Reaching up, his thumb and forefinger captures her chin, lifting her face so that his lips could touch hers in a soft, gentle kiss. His lips seared through to her soul as she melted into his passion.

Heart hammering wildly in her chest, Kasumi kissed him back, arms encircling her waist before Kibum slipped from their kiss.

#Kinky-Kpop-Writer #romance #shinee fantiction #kpop fanfiction #my writing #my stories #lee taemin #kim jonghyun #kim kibum #choi minho #lee jinki #onew oppa #part one

[taeminuet]

Heartbeat (3/?)

Title: Heartbeat Fandom: SHINee Pairings: (eventual) Jongtae; Minkey; OnKai Chapter Wordcount: ~4k Rating: R (Some chapters will be NC-17; these will be marked.) Summary: In which not every problem needs to be fixed and not every person needs to be saved; sometimes you just need support.

Chapter warnings: discussion of various mental disorders, ableism (internalized and amongst characters)

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1 , 2

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Chapter 3: Taemin

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It's not long enough. Taemin's not even sleeping, hardly dozing, just somewhere between awake and asleep and thoroughly, utterly exhausted. But when he's like this, the tiniest sound stirs him, jerking him back awake, and Taemin wants to murder whoever had woken him. Sleeping or not, he'd been somewhere not quiet as hellish as being fully awake, and now he's not. If looks could kill, his door would be on fire right about now, and whoever had knocked on it would be dead on the other side.

“What?” he groans, knowing that he sounds hoarse and annoyed and not really caring.

The door eases open, and Onew peers inside, face the picture of guilt. “Sorry,” he whispers, face the picture of sincere apology. “It's time for group, and they'll want you to show up. I think normally they'd wait, but we don't have group on Sundays, so if you don't come today...”

Onew trails off, chewing absently on his bottom lip, and Taemin takes a deep breath before the anger fades away. It's not Onew's fault. And he wouldn't have gotten much more rest anyways. He's just irritable because he's exhausted. He's always irritable, because he's always exhausted.

At least his body knows the difference, though. He's still tired, but not quite so much as before, and he's grateful for at least being able to shut his eyes and just not think for a little while. Especially with the fact that Onew is apparently here to drag him to group therapy, and airing his dirty secrets is the absolute last thing that he wants to do right now.

The thing is, he knows why he's here, but he doesn't exactly know if he's going to be able to do it. What could he possibly say? Therapy or not, this isn't something he can just blurt out to people, especially not ones he just met.

Well, okay. Maybe he'd even being okay talking to Onew or Minho, sharing bits and pieces with them, but the thought that he's expected to just spill all of it at once is horrible. Nevermind the thought of talking about this shit in front of someone like Jonghyun, or in front of some doctor who he's never even met. God, fuck that shit.

Plus, Taemin doesn't seem to be the only one reluctant to go. Onew's obviously already retrieved Minho, but Minho frankly looks awful, eyes a little swollen like he's been crying or something. Onew keeps shooting him nervous, worried glances, opening his mouth like he wants to say something and then closing it again. Minho hardly even seems to notice.

Taemin feels his gut twist uncomfortably. “Minho?” he asks. “Are you okay?”

“I'm...” Minho answers, slowly, and then hesitates, clearly changing his words mid-thought. “I'll be fine. Don't worry.”

“I'm sure they'll encourage you to share in group,” Onew says, and there's a kind of uneasy warning in his tone.

Minho nods. “Yeah,” he says, pushing his hair away from his face. “Yeah, thanks. I'll think of something.”

Taemin opens his mouth to ask, because he's equal amounts concerned and vindicated that Minho, like him, clearly doesn't plan on sharing with the group. But he hasn't even gotten a single word out before he's interrupted by Jonghyun's almost sudden arrival.

“I'd do it quick if you're gonna,” Jonghyun says, sauntering his way up to them. He looks no worse the wear for his and Taemin's interaction this morning, even eyeing Taemin up for a moment and imparting a wink before he turns back to Minho, stepping closer. “You know they're not huge fans of us making shit up, but I'd be happy to help you distract them if you'd like.”

He puts way too much emphasis on the word distract, leaning close into Minho's space and touching freely, hand picking at Minho's shirt and starting to push under it before Minho pushes him away, looking unhappy.

“Fuck off,” Taemin says, mostly because it doesn't look like Minho's quite up to being harsh with Jonghyun right now, even if he clearly doesn't want him in his space. “Seriously, why the hell are you even here?”

“I have group with you, remember? I know Minho here has it written down all nice and neat, so no worries there.” Jonghyun smiles, and it's not quite as smarmy or smug now, but it still makes Taemin bristle a little. Jonghyun laughs. “You're adorable. Just so you know, they're going to play the new-kid-in-class card, so everyone best be ready to share their life story.”

There's something very nearly bitter about his words, just for a second, but Taemin doesn't have time to dwell on it before Jonghyun is turning and walking off as quickly as he'd come, heading towards the room that Taemin remembers as being labeled group therapy. Reluctantly, Taemin follows.

It's a pretty standard room, all told. The far walls are lined with windows too thick to properly let light through, and florescent lights in the ceiling take care of the job instead, glinting sharply off the tile floor. There are five chairs in a circle, traditional metal folding types, more than one of them looking battered, with little dents in the metal and scratches along the surface. On one side of the circle, there's a space left, big enough for a wheelchair. There's also a free-standing whiteboard in one corner, prompts written on it on faded blue marker, scribbly little talking prompts that generally follow a theme of, “Today, I am...” and “I feel...” like they're grade school kids who have trouble expressing their emotions.

Overall, it feels a little claustrophobic. Maybe not the best place to put them if anyone's expecting open and honest conversation.

Jonghyun is already taking one of the chairs, twisting it around so that he can straddle the chair, legs spread wide and arms folded over the back of the chair. His hands are in fists over the back, and one leg jiggles a little as he sits, but he looks a little distant and he doesn't say anything when Minho settles in next to him.

Onew and Taemin exchange glances before taking their seats, Taemin sitting next to Minho and starting to say something before deciding it might be best to leave well enough alone. Key isn't here yet, but Minho keeps glancing at the space left for him, and Taemin really isn't sure what happened. Is this still about breakfast? It seems a little much, but who is he to judge?

Key still hasn't arrived by the time the doctor shows up. Or, Taemin assumes he's the doctor. Or some weird fucked-up Halloween costume. He's wearing scrubs and a white coat, pens in his breast pocket and a clipboard in his left hand, all standard fair that makes him look a little like a parody of himself. He's middle-aged, hair starting to grey a little in spots, and his face is kind enough, even if his smile doesn't quite meet his eyes.

“Lee Taemin?” he asks, looking at Taemin and extending a hand. “I'm Dr. Kwon. I'll be leading your daily group therapy.”

“It's nice to meet you,” Taemin recites, because even if he's still not sure of this place, he knows how to be polite, at least.

In his chair, Jonghyun perks up. “Taemin, huh? It's a cute name. Great to scream in bed.”

Taemin hisses through his teeth. “Shut up, Jonghyun,” he spits, brutally ignoring the invasive thought that his name actually doesn't sound that bad coming out of Jonghyun's mouth. It doesn't mean he wants to deal with Jonghyun being an ass.

Even the doctor is giving Jonghyun a hard look, saying his name warningly, and Jonghyun laughs, holding up both hands in a motion of surrender. “Alright, alright. Calm down. I'm just trying to play nice. Isn't that what we're supposed to do?”

“Clearly you've missed the point of what that actually means, Jonghyun,” Dr. Kwon says, in a tone that reads as way too used to Jonghyun's antics. “But you're right. We all need to get along if we're going to make Taemin's stay here a helpful one. So, I suppose we should start today with introductions. Has anyone seen Kibum?”

“Fucking called it,” Jonghyun says under his breath as everyone shakes their heads in the negative, Minho casting another worried look towards Key's empty spot.

Taemin only rolls his eyes at Jonghyun, but the doctor has a different response, zeroing in on Jonghyun and smiling sharply. “Are you volunteering to go first, Jonghyun?”

Jonghun's laugh is almost cold now. “No way in hell, doc,” he says. “We're not trying to scare the new kid.”

Taemin's not sure what he means by that, but he doesn't get a good feeling about it, and Dr. Kwon is staring at Jonghyun impassively. “It's not that difficult, Jonghyun,” he says. “Here. I'll show you; I'm Doctor Kwon Sungho. I'm here to help you all with your pre-existing conditions so that you can live a healthy and productive life. I also have a four-year old daughter named Sunmi. See? Not so hard, and Taemin knows a little more about me now.”

“Yeah, because all of that information is so substantial,” Jonghyun says, voice sounding more biting by the second, his hands shaking where they're gripping the back of the chair now. He's squirming a little, not making eye contact with anyone, especially Dr. Kwon who's still staring, waiting.

After a minute, Jonghyun huffs air out through his nose and slumps in his seat. “You know what, fine. My name is Kim Jonghyun. I'm here to learn to deal with stress and sexual desire in an appropriate fashion,” he says, drawling the words out so that they're scornful and derisive. His hands are still shaking. “And, fun fact, I've fooled around with at least half the patients in this facility, so good luck guessing which ones.”

The doctor goes very stiff, but Jonghyun only grins.

Honestly, Taemin isn't sure if that's a lie or not. How far has Jonghyun gotten with people around here? He's not bad looking, and he's clearly persistent. If he weren't such an asshole, and if Taemin didn't know better, he might even...

“You can definitely count me out of that number,” Key says as he wheels himself in, only a few minutes late to this awful, awful party. He looks like he's been crying too, but less so than Minho. His eyes are red, but he's stone-faced as he wheels himself to his seat, very clearly not making eye contact with Minho, instead looking at Jonghyun and lifting a challenging eyebrow as he says, “I wouldn't get near that with a ten-foot-pole.”

Jonghyun winks. “Oh, but baby, you're already the perfect height.”

It's a quip, one that makes Key scoff, opening his mouth to retort, but Minho gets there first. Everyone else seems to be as surprised as Taemin, honestly, like they weren't expecting Minho to be the one to snap, “I don't think it'd be hard to figure out. You'd just have to test everyone for mysterious venereal diseases. I doubt Jonghyun's completely clean.”

Jonghyun stiffens, entire body going tight as he hisses like an enraged cat. “You absolute fucker,” he growls, and now it's not his hands. Now his entire body is trembling.

The doctor is frowning, standing up to try and regain control and starting in with, “This is not appropriate--”

Jonghyun doesn't seem to care. “I'm perfectly fucking clean,” he snarls. “You should know that, shouldn't you. You remember our little thing, don't you? Oh, wait.”

It's mean, so pointedly and intentionally mean, and Taemin feels horrified. But if Taemin is horrified by it, then Key looks livid, like someone has just reached out and slapped him across the face. Minho just looks scared, stuttering out excuses of, “I... no, I wouldn't, I...”

“Jonghyun,” Onew says, hands bunched at his sides and looking upset, “stop it!”

For a moment, Jonghyun stills at that, scanning Onew a few times, and then his expression shifts and he bursts into stilted laughter. “Yeah right, Onew. You're not one to talk. We all know I've had a taste of that,” he says, eyeing Onew's crotch before returning his attention to Minho, words angled to hurt as he says, “Go on and say what you will. It's cute how you act like you'd actually know.”

Taemin is stunned silent. This is vicious, so much worse than breakfast, just Jonghyun lashing out to lash out. Why is he doing this? There's no reason for it.

But all of them seem to be doing it now, even Key who bites out, “You can stop lying to us at any time now. We all know you have more STDs than a hooker with daddy issues. Oh, wait.”

There's a certain tone to that, one that makes even Taemin flinch, his entire body going stiff at the word 'daddy' like he's on a hairpin trigger. Then again, he's always on a hairpin trigger nowadays.

But Jonghyun's trigger is apparently even worse, because he lets out a furious noise, flying to his feet. He's practically a live wire, his entire body vibrating with tension, and he moves like he's going to come closer to Key, but he stumbles over the leg of his own chair like he's moving blindly. He catches himself on the back of his chair, just barely stopping himself from falling.

“Fuck you,” Jonghyun gasps out, sounding winded like someone's punched him. “Fuck you, Key. Don't you dare--”

“Jonghyun,” Dr. Kwon says, finally raising his voice loud enough to cut through the argument. “Leave. You cannot continue acting this way in group, or you'll be confined to isolation again. Do you want that?”

Jonghyun shudders visibly, eyes going frantic. “No!” he yelps, “I-- fuck, it wasn't just me. What about--”

He gestures wildly, towards Key and Minho, but there's a kind of helpless look on his face, like he knows it won't be taken seriously. And yeah, Jonghyun was being a dick for no reason, but he wasn't exactly the only one at fault. Still, the doctor is staring him down, and Jonghyun lets out a noise like a whimper, low in his throat.

“Fuck you,” he says finally. “Fuck all of you.”

He sinks back into his seat, sitting the proper way now, facing away from them all and hunching into himself, still shaking.

After a moment, Dr. Kwon sighs. “Thank you for sharing, Jonghyun,” he says, acting like there hadn't almost been an all out fist-fight in front of him.

Taemin gapes at him, but Dr. Kwon has a look of exhausted patience, like a tired parent who knows their kid is an asshole and just wants to gloss over it and keep going. Apparently, they're all used to this, which really says something. Taemin isn't entirely sure what.

“Kibum, would you like to share a little about yourself?” Dr. Kwon prompts, evidently just trying to push on. “Name, why you're here, something about yourself?”

Key laughs, a sharp bitter sound. “Kim Kibum,” he says, “and if you can't tell why I'm here, you're blind.” He pats his own leg meaningfully.

Dr. Kwon frowns at him. Taemin gets why. Plenty of people in wheelchairs live completely normal lives. They aren't stuck in some therapy room snarling at each other. But Key doesn't exactly seem keen to share. None of them really seem keen to share. Taemin is starting to legitimately question why they even have this type of group therapy thing when clearly not a damn one of them actually want to open up and talk about their issues.

“Kibum,” the doctor says, voice careful and warning, but Kibum only gives him a bored look, clearly unamused, and the doctor sighs yet again. “Thank you, Kibum. Would anyone else like to share? Onew?”

There's silence for a long moment, and Taemin looks around to see why. Of all of them, he would have assumed that Onew would be the most likely to open up. But Onew is hunched in his seat, shoulders folded in towards his body, taking up as little space as possible. He's picking at his sweater, not looking at anyone, but very pointedly avoiding even glancing at Jonghyun. His lower lip is already swelling, but he's still chewing on it nervously, front teeth catching on the slight chap of it. He doesn't really look like he's here at all.

“Onew?” the doctor prompts again, a little louder and more pointed.

Onew jerks, sucking in a quick breath and looking up. He shifts minutely, trying to straighten up, eyes wide as he flashes a pretty, tentative smile. “Yes, sorry. I was-- I just. Sorry. I'm... well, my legal name is Lee Jinki, but I'm Onew. I'm here because my... my, uh, my parents, they brought me here so that someone could help fix me?” He's stumbling over himself and his own words, clearly even more nervous than he'd been with Taemin earlier today. “And, uh... I don't really have anything interesting, just... I mean, I've been here longer than most of the staff which is... cool, I guess?”

Oh. Oh shit. Taemin is actually genuinely taken aback. This is, somehow, worse than the snarling. All that anger, but Onew just seems tired, mostly.

Onew had told him how long he's been here, but put in context, it seems terrible. Especially hearing Onew say so easily that he's here to be “fixed” like he's some sort of broken toy.

And maybe he's not “normal”. Having an extra personality isn't exactly what most people would consider normal or healthy by any means. But neither is going for weeks without a night's sleep or having to write down everything to keep from forgetting or blowing up over a poorly-phrased comment or being basically desperate to fuck anything with a pulse. He's sure everyone in this room pretty much feels chewed up and tossed aside, and Taemin feels his heart ache for all of them, even a tiny bit for Jonghyun who's sulking so badly that he can't be completely okay.

And it sucks. All of it sucks so badly. But not enough that he can make anything real come out when the doctor turns his eyes on him and prompts, “Taemin?”

He feels his throat close up, and his hands start to shake minutely. He curls them back into his hoodie, making little sweater paws for himself so that the others can't see how badly it affects him to have every eye in the room on him, pinning him in place and waiting for him to spill secrets that no one but him and Jongin have ever known.

This is what he's here for, but he can't bring himself to talk about it. Even if it's obvious, even if it's easy to tell by looking at him, a part of him still feels ashamed, like he could have done something to prevent all of this. He knows he couldn't have. He knows he did everything he possibly could. But he also knows he went about it the wrong way sometimes, and it hurts to know all of the stupid shit he's done to try and fix something that isn't his fault, that isn't going to go away.

“I'm Lee Taemin,” he says finally, staring at one of the tiles on the floor. “I'm here because I can't, uh, I can't sleep.”

That's all he gets out. There's more words, more reasons, but they feel jammed up in his throat, like forcing them out will actually hurt him. And he knows that leaving it like that makes everything seem so menial compared to the others, but he can't get the words out. He can't just finish that sentence, just tell them.

He can't sleep. That's easy enough to say.

It's a lot harder to admit to the dreams. It’s harder to talk about the way that no person could possibly sleep past growing terror that fills every single cell in his body. He doesn't want to have to explain how that fear leaves him frozen and unable to move, trapped in night terrors, unable to tell the difference between his dreams and reality. He doesn’t want to talk about how his brain has apparently decided that constant, horrible exhaustion is better than facing down those shadows of his past.

No. He can't do it. He cant tell them all of that. Not when the thought of saying it aloud makes him feel so vulnerable that any single one of them could hurt him too easily.

He takes a deep breath, feeling guilt and shame twisting him up in knots. Finally he adds, for the sake of copying the pattern, “Before all of this, I used to be a dancer. I mean, I guess I still am, or... or could be, but...”

He glances up, just for a second, just to gauge the room. Onew is looking at him, something soft and sad in his gaze. Minho is too, head tilted a little like he's trying to figure something out, figure out all those unspoken words.

Key is almost glowering, not quite at Taemin, but almost through him somehow. There's something tight in his face, lines of hard emotion that Taemin thinks might be irritation or maybe, if he's not completely wrong, jealousy. There's a lot that Key's not saying either.

Jonghyun isn't looking at him, still faced away from them all, sulking and refusing to participate. It almost helps, the fact that Jonghyun doesn't seem to be trying to pry into Taemin. Taemin knows, logically, that it's just Jonghyun being a petulant asshole, but still. One less set of eyes on him. It's almost reassuring.

“Thank you, Taemin,” the doctor says, startling Taemin badly enough that he jumps, chair scraping across the floor. Other than a few cringes at the noise, nobody brings it up, and the doctor only continues, “I think you'll settle in well here.”

Taemin's not sure if that's exactly a good thing or not. Better than not settling in here, he guesses. He's honestly just glad to be allowed to be done talking, though he feels a bit bad when the doctor's focus turns on Minho instead, prompting him with a, “Would you like to finish up for us today?”

Minho blinks, hesitant, something tightening a little in his jaw before he says, almost calmly, “I'm Choi Minho, and I don't remember why I'm here. Or anything about being here. Or anything past the age of 18.” He pauses, his fingers curling inwards, halfway to fists in his lap. After a moment, he smiles tightly. “I don't think this exercise was exactly made for me in mind, doctor.”

It's so blunt that Taemin almost cringes, but it also answers a lot of questions. Minho doesn't just forget some stuff. He forgets everything. That's... that's a lot. Taemin doesn't know how Minho stands it, except that he thinks maybe he'd like to forget sometimes too. Just not to that extent. Never to that extent.

“Well,” Key says suddenly, sharply, from across the circle. He's looking at Minho now, whatever emotion he'd been reacting to with Taemin long gone. There's something sad in his face now, as he looks at Minho. Taemin doesn't know if he's thinking of this morning or something else, but Key probably has something of a right to be apologetic right now. Instead, he stares at Minho for just a moment longer before turning to the doctor. “That's everybody. Are we done? No offense and all, but I don't think we're going to get any more buddy-buddy today.”

Dr. Kwon lets out a sigh, that same one of exasperated but infinite patience. “Thank you everyone for sharing,” he says, ignoring Key's jab. “I think that's going to conclude group for today, and I'll see you all Monday. I hope you all make Taemin feel welcome over this weekend.”

Taemin feels a twist in his stomach. Welcome. He wonders if he’ll ever really feel welcome here at all.

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#shinee fanfiction #shinee fic #Jongtae #Minkey #Onkai #my writing #heartbeat