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I’ve seen a few people talk about the importance of the axe, but I wanted to put my take on it out there too.

Lisa watched her mom get axe murdered, and then her life was uprooted. She had nobody there for her (except taffy but she was misguided). And this person comes along, one who knows her better than anyone, and uses an axe to kill someone right in front of her.

Only this time, the axe is used to protect her. Something that destroyed her entire life is now being wielded by the one person she’s beginning to trust and feel seen and heard by.

And I don’t think it’s wrong for her to be thrilled and morbidly infatuated by this!!! Reclaiming and healing from trauma isn’t always pretty like everyone wants it to be, especially for young women and girls.

The axe becomes something to protect her and get revenge on those who hurt her. People who were supposed to be good to her, that she THOUGHT were good to her, but betrayed her.

The axe is something that she now wields.

She gets to reclaim it. She gets to trust someone again. She gets to feel loved, seen, and heard.

This movie is about reclaiming trauma as much as it is about a zombie love story!!!

#q'd #lisa frankenstein

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Alejandro Zambra, Ways of Going Home (translated by Megan McDowell)

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this is really inspired by a post someone else made but I can’t find it rn 😭😭 but hear me out okay

yes lisa frankenstein is a campy silly funny slasher romcom, and I ADORE it for that. but I’ve been thinking abt how it comments on the way society treats people with trauma, especially women, especially in past decades. the three major women each demonstrate different effects of that.

Lisa is the most obvious — we know what happened to her mom, and we see how everyone feels about her. hell, she tells us. nobody cares about her healing, they just want her to move on. (this also ties into themes of the original Frankenstein story; he wasn’t a monster, but everyone treated him like he was, so he became one.) instead of helping her, everyone others Lisa because she does not hide her pain, nor the effects that pain has had on her. so she becomes the dangerous freak everyone made her out to be.

then we have Janet — Janet, whose father died in the Vietnam war, who appears to have ignored her trauma exactly the way society wanted her to. she buried her pain in order to fit into traditional feminine roles: she’s a mother, she keeps up her home, she’s thin and made-up and absolutely drenched in feminine colors and silhouettes. but the unchecked trauma ate her up inside, and it made her into an antagonist. she became the very sort of person that contributed to her own suffering. she’s perpetuating a vile cycle.

and finally, there’s Taffy, who naturally checks every box on the ‘traditional femininity’ checklist. social and bright and pretty. a cheerleader, a party girl, toeing the line between fitting in and being memorable. she’s never experienced the kinds of struggle that Janet or Lisa did — until the end of the movie. that shot of the man in the car looking at her, beaten and bloody and scared out of her mind. and he drives away without a word. the minute she has a big, ugly problem? she’s dismissed. she’s othered, the same way that Lisa was.

but in Taffy’s final scene, she’s visiting Lisa’s grave. she wears the rosary, a symbol of her otherness. her dress is a feminine cut, and it’s black w pink flowers. she has just been a victim of events scarily similar to Lisa: her mother was killed by a frankenstein, she witnessed death, she was subsequently dismissed for her trauma. but I have to hope that this symbolizes the difference between Taffy and Lisa/Janet; that she’ll break the cycle; that she’ll be able to address her suffering while reclaiming her femininity.

#i didn't connect that scene with taffy until now #but the man driving past her reminds me of the man that walked past me as i sat at a table in the mcdonalds #after i had just been raped #and i didn't know what to do #and the man bent over and looked at me and told me to smile #and then the next day my mom looked at me and told me i had nothing to be upset about #and that i should be happy #and yeah they didnt know but like it's so inappropriate to say those things to people ugh #people are allowed to be upset and sad and traumatized and they don't need to explain any of it to you #also reminds me of the men who sometimes comment on my old youtube comments i used to make #i got one today #they love to tell me that women don't know sexism like men do #or that women aren't sexually assaulted as often as we say #or that we make stuff up #or that we're only out to deatroy men #god the world just fucking sucks sometimes and people are terrible #so goddamn terrible #i love this movie so much because it doesn't shy away from that and the real consequences that has on people #but also the whole undead lover getting revenge for you and making it somehow romantic is very appealing #lisa frankenstein

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💚death is temporary, i’ll love you forever💚

#lisa frankenstein

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This starts out as a nice gesture, then quickly becomes absolutely ridiculous.

1,024 dice. Man.

#i was down for more chaos tbh #i wish he let her double it lol

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#how i feel rn

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it may be that, after having been "avoided" by others or put on a side as a second if not third or more choice by others, your mind keeps telling you you'll never get out of that: people will keep abandoning you, letting you down, choosing someone or something else. you may take every sign, even those who are not strictly related to this situation, as a confirmation for you not being worthy enough. not being able to have good relationships (of any type).

but that's not the case. it's indeed really heavy and heart-breaking to deal with such experiences, but don't let your mind and your past fool you. please, talk with your hurt inner self: tell them they are enough the way they are, they don't have to change anything or please anyone to be deserving of love and attention, they aren't wrong. and it won't always go this way. someone caring, that will choose you, willing to learn about you and remember everything about you, is already on their way to you. you deserve that type of love. keep enduring, especially on those days in which it seems impossible, and appreciate yourself for all you've done (be objective: you've done a lot but at times you forget about it or can't see it). like, love and support yourself in any way you want and try to give yourself what you need. prepare yourself for what is coming. cause it's coming just for you and you need to be ready to receive it all (at times we think we're ready but we're not used to that and we may *unconsciously* decide to run away out of "fear/uncomfortability": to start giving to yourself will help you get a little more acquainted with the new feelings you will experience and not push them away).

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on kindness.

@shanastoryteller // @delepiphany on pinterest // @girlmostlikely // @anotherchocolate12 on tiktok // @frogus // @xotwodstarr on pinterest

#web weaving #i'm not perfect #i see my flaws and i see them all the time #but if there's one thing that i know is good about me it's that i'm kind #and i never want to lose that #i hope i never lose that #no matter how painful life can be #i have my moments where i feel like i could be so much kinder #i do #but i want the kindness to stay my default and to make up for those moments where i'm not my best #i don't want revenge or retribution #the world has enough of that #i want to reach out and touch the world with only soft hands #even when the world seems like nothing else but sharp-edged blades #also i was tempted to delete the tags or put it on private #but I'm tired of always being ashamed of myself and my ugly parts #I'm tired of always feeling like i don't have a right to hurt or have feelings or be messy or be human #i want to give myself the grace to show up to life and to allow myself to do it without hiding all of the parts of myself i don't like #i want to be real not perfect

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@endlessnamelesseternity @jupiter-suggestion @filmnoirsbian @firstfullmoon

#web weaving

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The past several days have been a whirlwind of emotion. I started with disbelief that quickly blossomed into grief, that then even more quickly bottomed out into rage, that then softly melted into emptiness. Then the cycle repeated. Now I am here and I don't know what shifted, but somehow I balanced myself out.

It's like I'm sitting here and I'm pulling the dagger out, the dagger that I had my hands on, the dagger that someone else had their hands on too, and it hurts. It does, it fucking hurts. There's a lot of blood, it's all mine, but the wound has been cauterized. I've stopped bleeding. Now there's just the wound to take care of.

I've been reeling. I've been trying to pinpoint the place that hurts the most, then I realize that the wound is everywhere. It's all over me. The wound is so big that maybe I am the entire wound.

For a long time in my life, whenever someone hurt me, I'd also hurt myself in turn. Doing that almost killed me. I have worked really hard at walking away from punishing myself unnecessarily, and I've come a really long way. I don't hurt myself like that anymore. When someone hurts me, I can defend myself better now, or even cut them loose, or at the very minimum work on healing myself rather than hurt myself further. But there are still times where I'm complicit in allowing someone to hurt me. I am kind, hopeful, empathetic, and naively trusting even when I try to have my guard up around everyone I meet. It's like finding that soft spot on the belly of the beast; I have my weaknesses and I don't know for sure but, I think that they might be plainly out there for others to see. They know where to stab. They know what would hurt me the most. Then they take that lunge and jab.

I wrote in one of my fits of rage: I want payback, I want it to hurt. But I don't. I could never do that to anyone. I want to nurse myself back to health after this. I don't want to be like any of the people who have wronged me, who have hurt me in cruel and senseless ways. I can point out all the wounds and scars, and you can ask me how many I've avenged. I'll point to none. I'll drop my hands. I'm soft, I'm sensitive, I'm a very vulnerable type of person, even if I don't always come across that way in real life. But one thing I'm not is broken beyond any sort of repair. Pieces break off and I put them back on, and it doesn't always look great, but I put them back nonetheless. The pain changes me, morphs me into this new creature that I have to get re-acquainted with, and then in the end, I see the beauty. I see that putting myself back together has been the best decision I could ever make. That the hurt and the pain and all of the shit has never made me throw those pieces at someone else in a vile attempt at revenge. I rage and it lasts a day or a few days, then I allow the real feeling of grief to take over. I don't like it, but I'd rather be hurt than doing the hurting. It's become apparent to me recently that not everyone is like this. Some people let the pain harden them or they go out and they hurt others in turn. I always assume the best of people, but I have to recognize that not everyone wants to be or do better, they just expect it of others. I never want to turn into that type of person.

It's very strange how I've arrived to this place of wanting to heal after only a few days. I think in some way, that has to be a testament to how much work I've already done in the past. The thing happens, I feel it as deeply as I can right afterwards, and then I put on my work boots and get to work.

Honestly, as much as my life has felt really shitty since the new year has began, I kind of needed this wake-up call. I needed the push. I needed someone I trusted to betray my trust because I have been overly-focused on that aspect in my life. Not just the trusting, but the other people. I observe people a lot, I observe interactions as they are taking place, I look for any details, I play it all back later. I look for what it tells me about myself. I look for how it can make me better myself, how I can show up better. But sometimes I look too hard out into the world and not enough within myself. I look for the answers and solutions in other people, and it's not there. It's never going to be there. Then my progress gets stifled because I forgot to apply the changes I wanted to make because I started focusing too much outwardly again. I've been slowly realizing that but haven't been able to make that shift fully until now. I needed the hurt and the misplaced trust because I haven't been trusting myself. I've been hurting myself by doubting myself and by not turning inward as often as I should. I'm changing that now.

This is a time I need to retreat. I need to be quiet and listen to myself and myself only. I'm looking at all of these people and situations in life, some more than others, and trying to figure out what everything means and it's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I want to take off those observation glasses and simply look now. Just see people as they are and allow them to show up in all of their messy ways just like I do. That doesn't mean I'm going to tolerate being treated poorly, but I can at least stop trying so hard to figure out whether I can trust someone or not. The answers don't lie in my overthinking. I have to stop focusing on what other people are doing, what they're giving, how they're communicating, what they're being clear on, how they're showing up. I need to focus on giving my 100%, what I'm doing, what I'm giving, how I'm communicating, what I'm being clear on, how I'm showing up. I need to stay soft, but I also need to open. The outside stuff at this point matters less than anything else ever could. What I need I already have. What I'm looking for is already here. I have to keep reaching towards it, and one day, someone somewhere is going to reach back towards the same thing, and I know this will all be worth it.

#personal #not clarifying anything at this point #i'm tired #also #just realizing my whole blow-up and whatnot is what my astro app warned me about not doing during mercury retro in aries #whoops lol #well at least like the ram i'm swiftly moving forward #i have trust issues and when people pull the rug out from underneath of me it doesn't make things better #but for some reason this time it somehow did #and i think it's going to help me a lot with my approach as i keep moving forward #in both the obvious areas like my current romantic dilemma but also just in general #seeing everything and everyone as a mirror instead of an obstacle is literally so freeing #i also picked up my guitar for the first time yesterday in about a decade #i'm doing things for me and i love that so much #my life is going to be so full and open and i look forward to the rest of the journey of tending to it

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Is there a word that’s a mix between angry and sad

#lol #i need this laugh #I'm suffering rn and I'm very smad 😭 #I'm smad to the bone #heh

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Ophelia by Friedrich Heyser

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The Prestige, Hanif Abdurraqib

[ Text ID: the poem begins not where the knife enters / but where the blade twists. ] 

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generational anger. Tongues Untied (Marlon Riggs, 1989) / The Noise Must Become Music by Fumi Nakamura / Grief Lessons: Four Plays by Euripides, Anne Carson / The House with the Black Door by James Hutton / Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal?, Jeanette Winterson

#i have been screaming for almost 3 days #without making any sound #outside i am the poster child of composure #inside i am screaming and breaking everything in sight #this is rage #i have not felt in a very long time #i do not want revenge #revenge is blind #i want retribution #an eye for an eye #i want you to feel guilty #and then i want that guilt to implode your entire life #you #you are such a horrid terrible person #you will not get away with this #you can't #you can't hurt me like this and get away with it #i won't allow it #i won't #i won't i won't i won't i won't #web weaving #my grief #my grief has no end #my rage only exists because the grief existed first

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@redpi11 // Anaïs Nin // @kfkx // Jennifer Willoughby, "The Sun is Still a Part of Me" // Jorge Luis Borges, "A New Refutation of Time" // Euripides, Medea (trans. Oliver Taplin) // Jenny Slate, Little Weirds // Keaton St. James, "September Affirmation (Don't Be Afraid)" // @kfkx // Czeslaw Milosz, "Late Ripeness" (trans. Robert Haas)

#q'd #web weaving

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#cats

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YOU HAVE TO WALK THROUGH THE DOORS YOU BEG TO HAVE OPEN!!!!! THE CHANGE CANNOT HAPPEN SIMPLY BY THE OPPORTUNITY PRESENTING ITSELF!!!! YOU NEED TO BE OPEN TO SEE IT, CHOOSE IT, AND ACTUALLY MOVE!!!!!

#reminder #part 3