#i surely dont need to explain why thats scary

[kiwi]

everybodys gotta get back into the practice of using pseudonyms online... i remember the time of screen names where u never ever told anyone ur real name and that was just understood as basic internet safety. plus having a screen name is fun because sometimes it sticks so well that it becomes part of ur identity that u can use in whatever facet of ur life you choose. it rocks to pick your own name

#im living proof! i wasnt always called kiwi but now i am and it rocks #but mostly im just worried about all these kids wayyy oversharing personal info online #not to be like aaaggghh kids these days. but. #um people are sharing their full names and schools and deepest secrets with their FACE ATTACHED #i surely dont need to explain why thats scary #tiktok trends where u share stuff you would Never tell people irl.... WITH!!! YOUR FACE!!!!! IN FULL VIEW!! #WHHH.... WHY........... #Get Scared of Internet Strangers Again Please!

[stevie-petey]

could we perchance get a lil blurb about why/how reader and dustin started their code blues, or maybe just one of their code blues before all the upside down stuff started ? love seeing their sibling relationship always and i think seeing them talking and sharing emotions with each other would be really sweet <3

dustin n reader <333 babies <333

enjoy !

"just because dad left it doesnt mean you can be a bitch."

dustins words cut through you like knives.

"okay, first off, never use that word towards a girl ever again." he rolls his eyes at you and you flick his nose, which he scoffs at. "secondly, i have no idea what youre talking about."

dustin again rolls his eyes. "yeah, you do. youve been a real b- i mean, a real jerk lately."

you want to argue with him, but the words dont seem to come. all you seem to do lately is argue with everyone. and now, confronted with your little brother calling you bitch, you find that youre exhausted.

"i have, havent i?" you finally admit.

dustin nods. "yeah."

you forget sometimes how smart the kid can be. hes only nine and yet here he is, calling you out for actions you shouldve noticed yourself. hes too young to be worrying about this.

"im sorry,"

"its okay. i get it. he sucks, doesnt he?"

"he does, but im still sorry for being such a bitch."

"i thought we couldnt use that word."

you ruffle dustins hair. "nope, youre not allowed to. i am, though."

he sighs, as if expecting that response, and starts to walk out your room. the conversation doesnt feel finished yet, however, and you call after him. "wait!'

"i gotta pee."

"okay, and i told you to wait."

he groans but sits back down on your bed. "do you wanna... talk?"

"ew!"

"i know, but... im serious, buddy. we havent really talked since dad left and i realize i kinda suck as a big sister right now." you feel guilt crawling up your throat, one of the few emotions youve felt these last few days. your dad left a few weeks ago, but sometimes it feels like its been a lifetime.

"you dont suck," dustin reassures you. "youre just... scary right now."

you snort. "yeah, like thats any better."

its quiet now, and dustin sits stiffly against your bed. he seems scared being so close to you, as if you could erupt any second, and you feel horrible for it. youre not sure what you can do, though. theres still so much anger within you, resentment and betrayal, and you dont know how to express so much without hurting those around you.

then, an idea comes to you.

"what about this. we'll call it a code blue."

dustin looks up at you, curious. "whats a code blue?"

"well, my dear brother, its something we'll do when we cant express how we feel or when we think the other sibling needs to have a talk. whenever one of us calls a code blue, the other has to answer honestly and listen as best as they can. once its over, we never bring it up again and we conclude with a hug. hows that sound?"

he thinks for a moment. "honest about anything?"

"mhm,"

"alright. i think that could work. seems less emotional."

you laugh. "i figured youd like that part."

"so... code blue?" dustin asks hesitantly.

"code blue."

you tell dustin everything, explaining why youve been so destructive and bitter and mean. he listens as best as any nine year old can, and as you tell him everything, the weight that had been pressing against your chest these last few weeks begins to lessen. slowly, during the code blue, it becomes easier to breathe.

when youre finally done, right as the last words leave your lips, dustin throws his arms around you. "i love you."

you bring a hand to his hair and kiss the top of his head. "i love you, too. dont let me get all mean again, yeah?"

"i wont."

"good."

#southelroy #m's writing #bug lore #come home blurb #m speaks #ask #set before season 1 ! #reader used to mean #gasp ! #trauma core tbh

[evertidings]

big brained anon here from a's most recent analysis. i have smth for rylan. rem when i said 'comfortable sharing trauma in jokes rather than in serious situations because they dont wan to face those feelings for a second time', well based on Rylan's lines on the game "if i told you all of my secrets, I wouldnt have any part of me left." my girl/boy/person has trust issues 100%. they think that if they smile, and are able to make jokes about certain situations that make them uncomfortable, they can grow comfortable with the situations, meaning that they can hide who they are from the public, after all "give them enough to form a relationship with you, but never enough to hurt you". They're exhausted by their own game that they're the only ones hurting themselves (self sabotage) at this point, but they're either not self aware enough to acknowledge that or bury their feelings so far down that they dont have to acknowledge being self aware enough. that's why they play the game they do, how far they can flirt with someone or make someone hate them before they pull away, as stated in the book. it's because they dont know how to be in tune with their own emotions, that playing this game with other people's emotions is the only way they can indirectly handle their own. playing this game with emotions is the only way they allow themselves to feel, but it ends in more self sabotage because they bury it again. also, you mentioned they havent let themselves cry in a while. probably because letting themsleves cry means they have to let out all the emotions they've been hiding over the years, but thats so scary for them, why should we confront something when we've been avoiding it for so long? this is so long, and i was gonna try to write more, but idk maybe not. hope im somewhere on the right path lmao

okay this one’s so interesting to me because like, it’s half right and half wrong. and maybe i’m gaslighting myself but i’m kinda happy you didn’t guess it all because it means Rylan’s still kinda a mystery, which, is what i want them to stay as. at least for now.

i’ll say that it’s the ‘playing with emotions’ bit is what’s wrong here. i’m sure it wasn’t your intention but it kinda makes Rylan seem like sadistic haha which, they’re not. they don’t enjoy hurting other people. if anything, they almost take pleasure in hurting themself? or, how do i explain this. you could almost say it’s their version of a test. they like seeing how far they can go as a way to see how far they’ve come in blocking off their emotions. they’re nowhere near emotionally constipated as K, but after being hurt in the past, they perceive caring for people as a crux, so they basically want to see if they’ve ‘improved’ on that front.

but yeah, it’s definitely self-sabotage. and they realize this, but they’ve accepted that’s what they need. they’ve trusted people and been betrayed—it’s not something they want to go through again. and these aren’t, like, small betrayals like hanging out without you. to Rylan, they’re life-changing and they’d rather run than go through that again.

but yes !! if you have more analyses i’d love to hear them <3

#ask #rylan villanueva

[thetisming]

everyone! Sarah Murr just followed me on instagram, meaning I have been given a burst of motivation to do something i’ve been meaning to do for a long time! so as y’all know i’m autistic and i am so sure that Francois Dubois is also autistic. aside from basic ‘i need more representation and so i’m gonna make this guy that representation, this guy is actually very autistic coded. i’m gonna use my not yet fully typed & Juliet script for this okay let’s go.

his first scene is with a gameboy. i know this isnt an autism thing but the first thing we see him do is play a video game and that is what i would be my first scene in something probably

his whole thing about not being scared, just shy/surprised?? i dont know how to explain it but this is giving neurodivergent energy

he's not into drama or big public performances. again im not great with words but i'm pretty sure that a lot of autistic people arent into being the centre of attention because a lot of the time we are the centre of attention but for Bad Reasons or because it’s scary and stressful and all eyes are on you and. yknow? 

what neurotypical acts Like That. what the fuck is he on like you know what im talking about just. theres no neurotypical explanation for it

he says ‘i guess i should wait to propose to you’, Juliet starts LAUGHING, and then he GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE. buddy thats a social cue that is a sign that she thinks youre joking and she does not want to marry you. buddy. dude. man. what the fuck how did you even do that dude

‘so you DO want to marry me?’ NO SHE DOESNT!!!! I mean i totally get what hes saying because she did say that it’s not that she doesnt want to marry him but DUDE!!!!! No she does not she doesnt want to marry you dude man. why would you. my dude my boy my guy. why would you even. mate…

the way he so very much does NOT want to be in the family band he does not want to perform he does not.

his whole storyline is about learning to be confident while still being true to himself??? thats so autism i cant explain it because im so bad at words but it is!!!!!

thanks for reading guys

#& juliet #& juliet musical #&j #and juliet #and juliet musical #juliet musical #francois dubois #autistic francois dubois

[raspberrysmoon]

ugh @rtcshipweeks is sm fun but also i did not mean for this to turn out how it did - day 7: favorite penny ship!! spacedolls

maybe cw for death and talks of death/funerals? its sweet i promise but it might be a bit sad

ricky potts wasn't good at making friends. nobody really wanted to be his friend, anyway.

until penny lamb arrived.

she was strange. she came from the commune a few towns over, so she wasn't quite acclimated to such a big environment. something told ricky that she wasn't sure what she was doing. ever.

she stumbled through conversations, barely passed most classes, and couldn't seem to get a hang of anything religious.

but everyday, like clockwork, she came up to ricky during lunch, sat down and started to talk to him. the first day she did it, she admitted that she wasn't sure how to talk to him since he couldn't talk back, but that she wanted to try. he laughed, and nodded to her, pulling out his aac device and introducing himself.

and they talked every day from then on. he started to teach her sign language, and she told him she was teaching her brother so she could get use out of it when she wasn't with him. she helped him fend off bullies, or ocean, with her arguably scary 6' frame and linebacker shoulders. he helped her with homework, and carefully explained the bible when she needed him to.

he met her brother- ezra- and she met his parents and cats. he was forced to teach her the signs for.. less school appropriate things after his mother joked that they should be careful, and always use protection! and that you should at least wait until you're 18. penny giggled at him when he explained it with a warm face and shaky hands.

that also led into him mentioning his lifespan after shooting down her question several times.

'25.' he signed flatly, 'my lifespan is around 25. maybe 30 if i get lucky.'

he could see the moment her heart cracked. "thats not very long."

he shook his head, 'no, it isn't. but life goes on, right?'

she hummed half-heartedly. "i guess so. does it upset you?"

ricky smiled, shaking his head again. 'i've had years to accept it. i'm not happy about it, but my body can only do so much for me. thats okay.'

penny nodded slowly, and he could almost see the gears turning in her head. "do you have a bucket list?"

he blinked, meeting her gaze. 'yeah, i do. i've been told its pretty short, though.'

"whats the first item?"

1. have a picnic on the beach

2. go skydiving (maybe???)

3. get married (for love !!)

4. swim with sharks

5. go apple picking with mom

6. write a book (and publish it !!!)

7. mushroom picking

8. dye hair pink and purple

9. pierce ears

10. play paintball

and it kept going for pages. penny couldn't imagine a long bucket list if she tried, and she wasn't sure she wanted to.

"well, why dont we drive to the store and check one of those?"

1. have a picnic on the beach

2. go skydiving (maybe???)

3. get married (for love !!)

4. swim with sharks

5. go apple picking with mom

6. write a book (and publish it !!!)

7. mushroom picking

8. have pink and purple hair

9. pierce ears

10. play paintball

it took nearly six years to clear the list. ricky was turning 22, and his health was starting to decline a bit faster than he would've liked.

penny stayed with him the whole time, never once willing to leave his side. she helped him and his parents plan for his funeral as it approached, and she promised that any cats his parents didn't want to or couldn't keep would go to her and her brother.

by the time ricky was 24, there was one item left on his list.

3. get married (for love !!)

penny honestly couldn't stand for that. traditionally she knew that the man proposed, but she had pushed him to take this seriously, and he was always able to say no.

and so, penny lamb bought a ring and asked ricky potts to marry her. finally, after nearly eight years, she got to ask.

and he agreed, tears streaming down his face as his hands trembled into a yes, yes please, yes.

and ricky could finally cross off the final item on his bucket list.

they were together in their house, surrounded by cats and trinkets from friends, burrowed under blankets and pillows when he died three years later at 27.

she loved him, and he loved her. until his very last breath, he loved her.

#ride the cyclone #rtc #rtc ship weeks #ricky potts #penny lamb #penny ride the cyclone #ricky rtc #spacedolls #death cw #i feel bad i didnt mean for this to be angsty #whoopsie

[itbmojojoejo]

Alright, i just finished watching High Life and uhhh yeah, i usually enjoy artsy thrillers etc but i have no idea how to feel about this film. Ewan was fantastic ofc, scary, but brilliant. Mans got talent. More thoughts (major spoilers and mentions of violence included) below the cut cause i need to get them out and have no one to talk about it with. 

First things first - i would not recommend this film to anyone that is sensitive to seeing any type of violence towards women or perhaps those that are having fertility issues as i know this can be upsetting. i was already aware of the gist of the film before watching so i knew what to expect but what was unexpected is how all those moments and details were actually delivered. 

I am going to praise Ewan for his acting here before i continue on with my WTF WAS THAT thoughts. Everything ive seen him in there has been a very clear if not HUGE difference between all of his characters, that man is NOT a one trick pony at all. He left me feeling freaked out and uncomfortable with Ettore’s brutality. Im very excited to see what else Ewan does in the future because he truly is talented and thats easy to see, especially when you put dear baby monk Osferth next to Aemond, Tom Bennet and Ettore (I have not seen his other works forgive me do not come for me with pitchforks and torches) . Hes managing to provide fully fleshed out and complex characters with a few minutes on screen at a time - this man is not flipping through a script and winging it once hes on set. He is more than just a pretty face to me, i really hope he gets the opportunity for more projects to carry on dazzling us. 

Now onto the film itself - we’re told that every member of the experiment was given a life sentence or  death penalty. That experiment being - “The real goal, the film tells us verbally, is to assess how great levels of radiation impact the human body”

How does Dibs and her little fertility experiment that was further endangering the lives of the women on board fit into this? Whose idea was that? and past the point of early infancy (i.e. the incubator) there seemed to be nothing on board this ship to accommodate a child. Dibs was clearly a convicted killer just like the others had been, she confirmed to Boyse she smothered her own children and used a knife on her husband. Was her clear obsession with Monte all because of his chastity too? and what was her being in the box all about with that furry thing that caressed her??? im confused at that. 

We know that the prisoners files are on board because Willow tells Monte she read his, so if the captain and Dibs knew what crimes people had committed what reason did they have to restrain the women to their beds in unlocked sleeping quarters??? Thats a problem waiting to happen. They could have avoided that whole situation with Ettore. Why were they even restrained in the first place? And why was Nansen in sleeping quarters with the men? Where did Dibs sleep? Did she ever sleep?

I think a little background info on all of the people would have been nice too, nothing big just a little tid bit, we know why Monte was there, we caught a glimpse of the life Boyse had but past the train thingy we dont know what she did. Tcherny mentions he thought joining the experiment would be honourable after bringing shame to his wife and son, and if i hadnt read the plot pre watch i wouldnt of got that he committed suicide (this could be something i’d pick up on with a rewatch but im not sure thats going to happen). And i dont think Nansen,  Mink or Elektra are referred to by name at all??? (again i could of just missed this while questioning wtf i was watching)

Boyse and Monte - what was their little connection that was hinted at all about? the side eyes, she cut him, he punched her, then they held hands??? explain pls.

And if Dibs was so set on having a baby on board why did she then throw herself off the ship? The injuries she got from Mink didnt seem to be life threatening? Did anyone notice that the women had more violent deaths depicted than the men too? What was that ship with just dogs on it about? And lastly - the films ending, did they die? is that what that was???

If anyone wants to chat about this please feel free!

#high life #ettore #ewan mitchell #tw violence #tw spoilers

[iremiari]

anyway, time to ramble abt life and stuff

Remi Rambles 1: Responsibility and Diligence - The Difficulty of it All

does anyone else know that one meme where there's a teacher in a music theory class captioned "come on it's not rocket science" and then on the bottom image it's a teacher in a rocket science class going "come on it's not music theory" like i get it's supposed to be a joke but it just makes me think about how subjective we determine the difficulty of something.

like yeah thats a given, but if you really think about it, it's really cool, and weird. because two ppl from completely different backgrounds can also find this one thing easy but someone else finds it difficult and it just blows my mind. and i find it interesting to observe this in the way people practice morals.

i feel like the only reason i find it interesting is because so many people that i know are responsible and actually do their requirements for school, studying for exams and quizzes, yk everything, but i find it so difficult to do that for whatever reason. call it the burned out gifted kid effect but i do know how to study i just dont. do it often. bc i assume everything will be alright and did not actually experience the consequences of my laziness, and i still dont.

yeah im doing average in school and i could get better grades and i want to do that, but at the same time, why should i? where do these people find the motivation to do good in school? they say it's out of necessity or urgency because if they dont then they'll get punished but i feel like?? that's the way to more burnout??? and i dont really ever get punished for low grades so i cant use that as motivation.

someone once said, that responsibility is the standard to which we do what is expected of us, and going the extra mile just means you know very well what is asked of you so you do it well. like say, and i apologize for the odd analogy, if someone asks a banana from you: giving them the banana is you being responsible, but peeling the banana for them means you know that they're hungry so you're being extra responsible. they explained it better than i did but you get the general gist, right?

so, i guess the question i need to ask is: "what is expected of me as a student?" because i get good-average grades, but most people would call me lazy and would not entrust any major assessments from me (but i guess that's just because i submit things late). but in the rare occasions that i do submit on time, most people would still call me "smart but lazy" and. i dont know. it's just odd because most people would definitely not call me a particularly responsible student even if i submitted early.

and ive thought of it, and even if i got better grades, they would not call me a particularly responsible student. so, once again, that leads us to the question: "what is the responsibility of (or standards for) a student?"

it's not to get good grades, because i do that, i still learn but people would just call me attentive instead of responsible. and maybe it's to show due diligence in my studies?

because when you think about it, most people would call someone who follows their schedule and exceeds expectations as "responsible" because they go the extra mile in their responsibility as a student. but maybe diligence is the key so that i can get people off my back..?

diligence is a thing that i find... scary to apply in my studies. because then it'll be really hard to find that work-life balance since i tend to get carried away in my pursuits, and once again, burnout.

i guess what i can try to do is think that my schedule is for the whole year to make sure that im not too engrossed in it and allow some more room for fun.

yeah, maybe i'll do this actually. im posting this for archiving reasons and for future me to read again. future remi, if you're reading this follow through w your damn plans mf. and remember to be urself <3

and for the poor unsuspecting stranger reading this, im sorry and i hoped this helped ! if it didnt then welp, tough luck.

#remi! rambles!! #ignore this if u dont like it xx

[rotfics]

kin heidrich

kin heidrich is my 6′3′, happy-go-lucky, humanoid ray of sunshine, biker, metalhead, german, “undead” (theres no word for it and i’ll explain it later on her toyhouse i have not made yet) werekin/werewolf (werekin: she has wolf ears, paws, and a tail in humanoid form.) i dont wanna get into her past rn bc it’s.. bad. anyway.

has black eyelids just like most of the undead/smnelse/etc i can explain kinda later characters here idk why thats a thing. again, almost sunshine incarnate. she has some anger repression issues, but she never takes them out on anyone. for the most part. at worst, someone annoying her or someone she likes will get what is a weirdly polite, “crazy-eyed threat”, which is usually just to get lost for a while, but mostly that happens if someone bothers someone she cares about enough. she doesn’t really do that if she is herself bothered so much. but if it is someone else, she will tell them to get away from them very politely, with a... stare. it works. it also helps that all of her teeth are very, very sharp.

she got the “crazy eyes” nickname because her eye color is red, with small, slit shaped pupils. she’s totally aware of it, and finds it accurate/funny. if she feels out of options often when she is scaring someone into going away, she will tell them something along the lines of that it is very unlikely that she’d ever hurt anyone, but “never zero.” it almost never happens; unless someone really fucks up with someone she cares about, mostly. almost never when she is herself the target of torment. (one example: someone threatened one of her friends and she used the “crazy eyes”, got up in their face while telling them, in a very scary “nice” voice, if they kept it up, she would eat them alive; and to go away for at least a month. a scary (empty) threat, but hell it worked. patted them nicely and said “go away” in a nice voice just to kinda mess with them further. said person had no clue it was an empty threat).

she is a big optimist, (even with everything that’s happened); and is determined to stay that way. regardless of anything and everything that could possibly deter her from stopping. she always believes things can and will be better.

she works on her motorcycle quite a bit; and has her own underground metal band, wolfskull. she also hosts raves. her band has three types of concerts; metal, rave, and kinda solemn. she does sing about some sad stuff sometimes; she has to vent it at some point.

when she loves someone, she loves them a LOT. ( pick-you-up-and-whirl-you-around maybe if you’re okay with it). if it’s you, you’re gonna be treasured, a LOT. yea you can’t escape her affection, get used to it. anything you go through? she’s there at all times. also kind of really. energetic. unless you need a calmer presence. she can do that too. ...related: hyperactive ADHD. she knows when to calm down though; she’s not an idiot; and she is capable of controlling herself.

her only thing is that on her birthday, she turns into were-form, and is completely feral; but she always makes sure to secure herself two days before that, in an unknown, locked location. you will not know where. don’t ask. you won’t get an answer.

she has bandages wrapped around her arms from the elbow down; you can probably guess why, but do not bring it up or ask about it unless you are very close with her. she will get upset with you, quietly, and won’t speak to you for a while. which is very out of character for her. so if you do that you fuck up bad.

she has ptsd and pretty bad nightmares, but her husband (dredge) and her girlfriend (royce) always calm her down, even if it takes a while.

her battle type is “brawler”, if she has to. she uses unarmed most of the time but will use something else if she has to... while very annoyed. weapons for her are super annoying and she will use them if necessary but will whine about it the entire time, complaining that someone ELSE use them, not her.

again, she’s wolf-based; and has black wolf ears, a tail, and paws in humanoid form; but please do NOT call her a dog, or puppy. don’t do that. it’s rude.

to maybe summarize, she’s a huge sweetheart who can and will use any ability she has to scare off bad people if she absolutely has to; and generally just loves everything, and everyone, regardless of what happened. with a band she is very proud of.

doesn’t matter who you are btw, she’ll absolutely love you.. unless you turn out to be kinda bad which please dont do that. she really hates not liking people.

#kin heidrich #oc shit #oc stuff #werewolf #werewolf girl

[zaenight]

Crazy but she's mine ch4

THIS MAINLY GOES INTO ILLIANA'S PAST WITH A BIT OF INFORMATION ON JACKIE.

Tw :MENTIONS OF Rape,assualt,abusive living situations,abusive foster homes,drug abuse,overdose,seizure,etc.

---------------------

"Thanks frankie." Ez said to the cop.

"Don't thank me man,I could get into trouble for this,what do you need to know about this woman anyways?" Frankie said handing over a box of files,labled Camila Vincent .

"Thats for me to know." Ez stated entering his brothers home.

------------

"Man look at this shit."

Angel said grabbing a picture of a young Jackie,bruises around her neck and scattered across her face.

"Mierda" Ez said looking at more pictures,bite marks and bruises on the girls body.

"Camila "Jackie" vincent , Fourteen,Abused and raped by step-father,edmund Whitt." Angel read.

"Arrested at seventeen for beating step-father with a metal bat." he continued.

"Crap." Ez said rubbing his face.

"Camila "Jackie" Vincent filed a restraining order on ex boyfriend,Harlan Cortez, for

pushing her down the stairs after an argument." Ez read off of a file.

The two brothers read the whole box,now knowing why

the woman took no one's shit.

---------

"Illiana Losa?" an officer questioned as Jackie opened the door.

"Who's asking?" The woman said.

"Who is-" Illiana froze as she saw the cops.

"No! im not going back to that place!" She yelled as the cops entered the house.

"Your foster parents said you took some stuff and never came home." The officer stated.

"They didn't care two weeks ago,its my stuff anyways!" The girl exclaimed.

"Listen the kid figured out her father was here in santo padre , she just wanted to meet him." Jackie explained.

"Jackie please dont let them take me!,I wanna stay with you!" Illiana exclaimed as the

other cop grabbed her.

"I-what do I have to do if I want to adopt her or whatever?" Jackie asked the cops.

"Paper work, and have her father sign over parental rights." The cops explained.

"What are you talking about?,he didnt even know I existed,I ended up in the system cause they never found him!" Illiana said her heart racing.

"Obispo Losa was on the birth certificate and payed your mother child support,when she died,he was asked to come down,he refused." The cop said.

"He knew? He fucking knew!?" Illiana said,her voice cracking.

"Can you give us a couple of days to figure things out?" Jackie asked pulling a distressed Illiana into her.

"You have a week to get Obispo to sign away his parental rights,and another to make sure your ready to raise a kid,two weeks tops." The cop explained handing her some papers.

Kinda creepy,its like they knew she would ask.

Atleast she wasn't arrested for kidnapping , damn is she really doing this.

Looking at the young teen who looked like she was about to rip someone apart.

Yeah , she was going to fucking do this, because somwhere in that kid Jackie saw a bit of herself.

(honestly I have no idea how stuff like this actually works.)

-------------

"Illiana are you sure?" Jackie questioned as as they pulled up to the clubhouse.

"Fuck yeah." Illiana said getting out of the car stomping up the steps kicking open the door.

"This kid reminds me of me,its scary, is this some kind

payback or some shit?" Jackie murmured getting out of the car.

Going into the clubhouse she noticed Angel and Ez looking at her.

"The fuck you looking at!" She exclaimed.

"You knew! You fucking knew I was your kid!" Illiana yelled pushing Bishop out of his seat.

"You little-" Bishop started.

"NO! im talking here,You fucking knew! what you pay my mom child support to keep her quiet!" Illiana yelled.

"Okay anyways sign this,give up your rights,not like you deserve them." Jackie said slamming papers on the table.

"Jackie's gonna try to adopt me,but she can't do that if you don't sign these damn rights away." Illiana told him.

"Key word : Try." Jackie said.

"Why did she put your name on my birth certificate if your just a deadbeat,why keep your rights if you weren't even gonna try to be a dad!?" she exclaimed.

"I had shit to do, I wasn't ready to be a dad,Few years later got married had a son,he died,never bothered with you,didnt want to ruin your life." Bishop said before picking up the pen signing the papers.

"Thats bullshit! my life is already fucked up,my mom stuck damn needle's in her arm or brought men home to fuck,you know how many time I had to lock my door or sleep in my closet because I was scared!" Illiana yelled.

"I just wanted someone to take care of me,and then I came back from school,she was just laying there,foaming at the mouth , a damn note , she-" Illiana said cutting herself off , her eyes rolling into the back of her head before falling to the ground.

"She's having a seizure! Put her on her side!" Jackie exclaimed rushing over to Ez and Hank who had put the teen on her side.

"C'mon kid your gonna be fine,you hear me!?, Call 911!" Jackie exclaimed her hand running through the girl's hair.

"I SAID CALL 911! DO SOMTHING GOD DAMMIT!" Jackie exclaimed as Angel rushed to the phone.

--------------

Illiana lay on the hospital bed , soft beeps feeling the air.

"C'mon kid, you gotta wake up!" Jackie exclaimed softly holding her hand.

Illiana could hear her,but she was stuck in her mind remembering when she found her,found her mother.

*Flashback*

Age : fourteen 2 years earlier

"Mom! im home,you promised we could watch that one movie remember!" Illiana yelled .

"Mom!?" She exclaimed rushing over.

Her mother,Dina De' luca,layed on the floor, foaming out of her mouth,a needle in her arm.

"Mom,no! you promised!,you said you were done,you said"Im done with all that,Im getting help." Mom!? , wake up,don't leave me!"

"Don't leave me Mommy!,you promised you said everything was going to be okay!" Illiana cried.

And then she woke up,Feeling someone holding her hand,it was her,it was Jackie,the only person who hasn't let her down.

And Illiana knew,she knew that the woman who was currently sleeping while holding her hand,was the woman she was safe with,the woman who she wanted to call mom.

------------------

Tiktok: zaenighteditz

A03 : zae_night

#fanfic #wattpad #original character #jd pardo #j.d pardo #ez reyes #mayans mc fic #mayans #mayans mc #mayans fic #mayans fanfic #emmy rossum #jenna ortega #shameless #fiona gallagher

[musashi]

1, 12, 30, 32, 42, 50 for the fic asks?

tysm!

What fic of yours would you recommend to someone who had never read any of your work? (In other words, what do you think is the best introduction to your fics?)

oooh thats hard and would depend on fandom too. maybe just chapter 1 of DTE? honestly i feel like DTE is me at my best i'd feel weird reccing anything else, but. its long x3

Are there any tropes you used to dislike but have grown on you?

nope! i've been the same forever.

Have you ever written something that was out of your comfort zone? If so, what was it, and how did it affect your approach to writing fic thereafter?

talked about this a little bit in a previous ask abt swallowtail :] but also, both my multichapters were WAY outside of my comfort zone. i did not think i had ONE complete multichapter in me, let alone TWO.

it just made me more cocky. i already genuinely believe i can do anything, but kicking so much ass at both of them really didn't help.

Have you ever received a comment that particularly stood out to you for whatever reason?

one time i wrote a very short fic about franziska von karma snotting like a toddler all over her brother's fucking work desk while passionately denying that she was capable of catching a cold and @pictureswithboxes left me a review that said 'you made franziska von karma so gross in this fic' and i think to this day it's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me. the fastest a comment has ever grown on me. idk how to explain this. idk how to explain why i loved it so much, its like

everyone compliments me on my tenderness. my caretaking. and its cool ig. but i don't think i'm good at writing that stuff, and it's not why i write sickfic. or like, it's not what i enjoy most about writing sickfic. my favourite part of writing sickfic is torture! obviously there has to be comfort or i dont enjoy the hurt, but i feel as though misery is what i write best. i am soooo good at writing low-level misery, itchy discomfort, little minute details. and i feel like most ppl focus on the other part. and im like, BUT DID YOU SEE THE MISERY?

and bailey's out here like yeah i saw it. if i was in that room w her i'd be spraying her with lysol. you made this hot lady a plague rat awesome job. one time this same mutual said something along the lines of "i wanna say i wanna eat this fic but i dont. its full of germs. im patting it gently, from far away, with gloves on, and disinfectant" ljsghsfhf

it's just nice to be seen for the craft i REALLY enjoy: giving hot girls messy headcolds. like yeah its cool that they get looked after. but did you see how disheveled i made them? <3

also just the complete lack of worry that i'd be offended by this comment, too. as i'm sure you all know i hate it when people are anxious/scared around me and try to butter me up with sweet/soft language. it makes me feel handled with kid gloves at best, and it makes me feel intimidating and scary at worst. having someone just boldly come into my comment box like "YOU MADE HER SO GROSS. THANK YOU" without a second thought about if i might find that phrasing indelicate, i was like oh my god please be my friend. i need to be friends with you or i'll die. speak my damn language some more i'm thriving. anyways this is now a bailey appreciation ask, sorry for party rocking.

not gonna answer 50 cause i dont do broad/nonspecific questions sghdfg

#wendy answers #Anonymous

[beetlepuff]

No because imagine Robin Buckley knocking on mr.Hauser’s door nearing graduation day, and telling him that she finally has her list for operation croissant. Like her just all happy and smiley and he’s so happy for her and just yeah. I need more of this duo.

Ok i wrote this a while ago and it’s rlly bad because idk how to write but there’s a little one shot under the keep reading :)

“Robin Buckley, long time no see.”

“Mr. Hauser, hi. Yeah uh its been a while”.

“Well come in, come in.”

She walks in and doesn’t say much, just looking around and taking in the room she spent so many lunch periods in. “So how are the language tapes going?”

“Oh um good, good. I started learning Russian. I mean with everything going on i had to put it down for a while but I’ve been wanting to pick it up again.”

“That makes sense yea. So that’s French of course , Italian, ..spanish?”

“Spanish and pig Latin.”

“Right yes. Did i ever tell you how incredible that is”

She answers with an awkward chuckle

“Right so what brings you back?”

“what i cant just catch up with my favorite teacher before i graduate?”

“Robin..”

She cant help but break out in a grin. “I have my list! My three people i mean- for operation croissant!”

And he has to admit he’s a little dumbfounded that she hasn’t stopped thinking about operation croissant. He thought that her slowly stopping her frequent visits meant things were getting better, but she does seem excited about her list. There was a time where he thought she might not find friends her age, friends that would stick around that is. It can’t hurt to encourage this more than he has- albeit indirectly- in the past “thats great! But I’m pretty sure the semester finished a little while ago” he jokes.

“Better late than never right” and god she just cant stop smiling

“Right” he chuckles. “So? Who are the lucky three, don’t keep me in suspense here”

“Okay okay this might seem a bit odd but- *sigh* idk last summer and spring break changed a lot- argh! Ok! Anyways! Steve Harrington- which, i know believe me i know, but he’s a really great guy i promise. He’s changed a lot since his high school days. And um Nancy Wheeler  🤭  -who is just full of surprises btw- , and Eddie Munson.!” Robin gave no more details on Munson, slightly scared of how mr.Hauser would react, but she trusts him, he wouldn’t judge either of them.

“How did that come to be”

“Well you see, it all started last summer when steve and i were working together at starcourt before yk.. everything. And we sort of just bonded? Ig? It- its hard to explain. But with him its like the hawkings monster-” ironic, she thinks, “- isnt that scary anymore. Like i can fully be myself around him and he wont judge. Oh! But its not- its not like how it sounds. We aren’t dating, god no. I love him but not like that. He’s a real dingus you know.”

“please Robin you know i know better than to assume the state of your love life”

“right. well uh yeah and then Nancy and Eddie sort of got closer over spring break. And i know its sort of an odd group but they’re really great. and they accept me, all of me. I wouldnt trade them for the world.”

“im really happy for you robin. seriusly.”

“Me too.  …um mr.hauser, do you remember what you told me, about the paper with the black dot, referencing-“

“the lottery. yeah, yea i remember..” silently asking why

“well. i dont know if you know- well you probably had an idea i guess but- i also pulled out the paper with the black dot. and im not scared of being stoned anymore. at least not by them.”

“well i cant say i didnt have any idea.. but as i said. i know better than to assume.”

“right, right. well what about you, and your hawkins monster.. and front row center?”

“oh, im good, that so happens to be going very well. sort of a safe heaven from my hawkings monster if you will”

“good. thats great im really happy for yo-”

sprinting footsteps pass down the hall, just passing the english teacher’s door, then reteating to peek their head inside “Rob? you coming?”

“yeah, just a sec nance” turning to her and smiling.

Nancy nods and turns to leave after a polite “bye mister hauser”

He lifts a hand to wave even though shes out of sight already “bye ms.wheeler” and turns back to robin

“Well i should get going, Steve is probably outside waiting.. he’s my ride.”

“Yeah no of course” He leaned back on his desk, watching as she smiled and opened the door. She’s at the door frame when he stops her “Robin.” She turns around with a lifted eyebrrow “im proud of you”

“Thanks. A-and I promise ill come by more, yk before i leave”

“Ill see you around kiddo.”

“Yeah :)” [exits].

#rebel robin #Robin Buckley and mr.hauser #iconic duo #what is it with gay kids and their high school English teachers #The lottery is probably my favorite short story that we were assigned last year so i just had to include the reference #yay gay #opperation croissant #she gets her happily ever after #eddie lives #because i said so #i love them so much

[ask-dcf]

*the bottle forms two new notes, ready for reading.*

----

*Chara's note reads as follows:*

"Honestly? I understand. I understand completely. Its scary, yknow? Love is scary. But you deserve it- sides, there aint no going wrong with Frisk, right? Theyre the kindest person, in both your universe and mine.

As difficult as it is, we're all kinda 'chained' in our own way. Trapped. Its a part of life. But whats important is how we handle our prisons, or whatever. Like...decorating a prison to become a home. Idk if that makes sense? Lol I can't exactly think with everything going on, to be honest.

Take as much time as you need, honestly. But don't let personal chains hold you back forever, okay? Trauma sucks, but honestly, i've found that treating it like an asshole animal you're stuck with as a pet has helped. Does that make sense? Should I even be writing this letter right now? Frisk says no but idc youre getting this anyways

Has anyone told you that you're really cool? cuz you should know that. i think so at least. You have snazzy clothes too. You look very suishable. I kinda wanna squish you. maybe someday we could meet in person? idk if thats possible, but yknow.

Rock on, and fuck those buttercups lol

-Chara"

---

*Frisk's note reads as following:*

"So cool to be hearing back from you!! :D its always nice to make a new friend!

Firstly, I wanna say! Chara can hate humanity, without hating you! Sure, you're human, but...cmon, do you REALLY think she isnt at least fond of you? I heard that she sang to you! Only someone that really cares sings to you! And she blushes a lot around you, too! Thats suspicious to say the list :p

And hey! You arent a weak nobody! You're a frikkin Frisk! The savior of Monsterkind! Sure, Data and Chara helped (which is very cool of them :D) but!! You're one of the ones who saved monsters! That DEFINITELY is more than a nobody!

Besides!! You dont have to have committed some giant act to be a 'somebody'!! Everyone's lives have a meaning, no matter what anyone else tells you. That includes yours.

My big sister Celest told me once 'your value is not what you can do, or how well you can do it. it is who you are. And as long as you are something, whether big or small, you are valuable. Even if that 'something' is just being an everyday person.'

And shes right!! You are valuable, and so am I...even if...its hard to understand or remember sometimes..but if we keep repeating that, someday, we'll believe it with our souls, right? so keep your head up!! or cry if you need it!! both are fine!!

You and I both have people we still want to save. I don't know what will come of either of our situations but...at least we will have each other to tell! ^v^

Sincerely, me! <3

(Ps: tell your Chara that my Chara is delirious, which is why their note might be weird =~=)"

*They read their letters. Confused and slightly flustered as they write their responses*

To Chara (Me): *multiple cross outs as if not sure how to respond to some of these* Thanks… I will need alot of time to think, but i appreciate the support…. And well. what i went through was way too much for me… So it will be hard for me to deal with it. Also thanks, good to know i am cool with my poncho (even though its color is different now) and uuhhh not sure on the squishy thing. i dont think i am… And uh. yeah would be nice to meet another Me thats not a murderer. -signed Other you

To new Friend me!: *couple scribbles aswell unable to respond* I genuinely think she more or less tolerates me the same way she tolerates an aquiantece…. i at least want her to see the outside and know that humanity isnt all bad. Maybe if i show her how peaceful it is then maybe ill have more confidence in being her-*big harsh scribbles* Forget that. As for the blush thing i think she is just shy around another human… maybe… And the singing uh…. no comment… haha… And well… its debatable of the save thing… I…. I also had help when i wanted to save the monsters. its hard to explain what i saw but it did involve Data again… I appreciate Your sisters words of wisdom… while i still dont feel confident i…. I want to at least make Chara see the good in humanity… despite its flaws…. maybe that can be enough for me to be happy…. even if in the end… she… doesnt…. you know…… And yeah. good luck on the people you wanna save, ill try my best myself. stay safe. -Frisk

*they put their notes in the bottle. and it teleports. Frisk looks down sad while Chara looks at them with a bit of worry.*

#undertale #datatale #datatale au #frisk #chara #ask blog #ask dcf

[littlest-bugz]

TW: Honestly, y’all, I dont know what to call this trigger warning but there absolutely is one. Lot of internal abuse mentions and brief religious mentions is the best I can give

“The brain splits off alters that it thinks it needs.”

I’m??? Starting to feel like this is half untrue??? Because why on the gods’ green earth would my brain split The Lamb. I just really cant see why a child would split off another child alter just to gaslight themselves into a half dazed state denying anything happened. Even with trying to reinforce that things are safe now and we’re free to deviate from our roles, The Lamb just cannot fucking deviate from whatever purpose it had in the past.

I also think of 👁️‍🗨️, the CEO of gatekeepers in our system, whose whole purpose was to cause mental torment, ruin our communication and prevent serious healing. Xe literally said it “switched sides for funsies”. Dawg what does that even mean?? What other side is there?? My fucking backside?? Granted, it vibes now, and I love that stinky bastard. Just took a lot of time to get him to switch sides “for funsies” (which I believe full heartedly he “switched sides” for fun, because every other conversation went like “lol i like hurting you, why tf would I stop?” Hes chill now tho).

Or ⛪️, who is the gatekeeper of the subsystem The Lamb is from. He literally was making sure for years when that subsystem was untriggered that he kept the same behaviors instilled in the alters in the system, meaning the lamb’s behavior was reinforced by him. He’s trying to help with it now, but ⛪️ is super terrible with helping them unlearn what he’s upheld for so long, as well as unlearning his own shit. I can understand more why an internal abuser would be in our system, but just,,, A gatekeeper for a whole subsystem? Making sure whatever they’ve got going on is never unlearned? With The Lamb and the episodes he triggers specifically, why would they need to uphold that role? That’s so weird to me. I can’t see why a child’s mind would split off alters like that and see it as “beneficial”. Causing literal torment, inducing episodes, and making sure to not “deviate from script” isnt beneficial to a kids mind. What kid would make a kid think thats good for them? How does the brain ever think that’s beneficial? I know I always thought I deserved what I went through, and I know I have a horrible sense of self critique but it’s so wildly different from what The Lamb does and 👁️‍🗨️ did. Im prone to self sabotage, but what 👁️‍🗨️ did and The Lamb does isn’t really just “self sabotage”. It fucks up things for WEEKS. The last episode with The Lamb, I had stress induced (albeit milder, but i suspect its bc Im medicated) hallucinations for two weeks after I got out of the goddamn daze which lasted for 2 days.

Gods, why did I have to get in touch with the religious trauma subsystem? I thought we had moved on from it all when we left the church. I wish there was a way to reverse this.

I hate it when I have false memory episodes. They’re scary. I can’t believe Im experiencing them again after all these years.

The worst part is that there’s no explination for it all. Im usually very comfortable with not knowing what the body went through. I don’t need to know everything. This is different. This doesn’t seem right. I, to an extent, dont want to know, but I want to know why. Not even in depth just something to explain this

#littlest_bugz og #vent tw #tw vent #religion tw #tw religion #abuse tw #tw abuse

[thesugarhole]

and i didnt really grasp what it meant at first because i didnt remember any of the lore heavy nonsense especially if it was added after i half lost interest and checked in sporadically but theres like, theres four elements going on in the background of the worldbuilding that are order, chaos, good and evil(?). and predictably, he wants to associate good with order and bad with chaos because thats how things go.

theres also two additional elements timeline wise that divide these concepts slightly; the technological/past world that culminated in the spooky scary AI gains Too Much Sentience and kills people (pointing out this event out the culminating many specifically because its relevant onwards). and the magical (grounded on the technological advancements of he past, like theres always a scientific excuse kinda deal)/current world that its where the apocalypse is currently happening -the character captain operates zeers "powers" (system wizard) on both goodness and order, and the rewrite introduces a character that operates by chaos. not necessarily evil (as the character herself puts it and i like to agree not on story context just in general), just chaos.

but the thing is, more than once the "goodness", rather than being like, good morals and ethics, is actually annet's company rules, ironically called the good directorate (gdir for short) and well. they arent very nice rules. extreme post capitalism rules. and idk call me radicalized or whatever but its highly agravating to see captain and other characters constantly shiding snippy for being an outlaw/badboy/unruly/chaotic?!/etc for like. scavenging for supplies. newsflash none of you people need to eat but he does. like come on man its so frustrating

and its actually kinda sad (extremely sad) that the rest of the world thats still alive and not human (not just machinery, aliens and captain too) are abiding by ridiculous rules like no jaywalking no loitering no stealing pay your debts go to your job etc when its all destroyed. one of the various reasons snippy has infinite debt is because he stopped showing up to work BUT ITS ALL DESTROYED!!!! WHATS he gonna do there whos gonna pay him!! hows he gonna track that hes being paid and pay for the food and guns he """"steals""""" if its ALL DESTROYED

thats a slight tangent to try and justify my point but gdir rules are evil (and dont try to "thats the point" me because youd THINK the characters would have realized it by now) and did more harm than good and abiding by them can be order sure. but calling it goodness is wrong for a good couple reasons. intrinsically captain IS a good person. zee is not evil or out to getcha or anything zee is still trying to accomplish the thing gdir created zee for, which is save humanity. but with everything gone and looking at how much harm it brought to the world and especially zees bElOvEd ChArLeS idk maybe reevaluate your morals when you tell a starved human to not take destroyed canned beans off the destroyed shelf in the destroyed walmart off for petty thefts

its incredibly aggravating when captain and infi (chaos character) are having their stupid cringe conversations/confrontations and theyre like oooh youre such a goody two shoes always being the good guy trying to do the right thing etc ok so far so good. by following g-dirs laws. bad actually

it makes sense only at the surface level. i need to read karlx max to explain why following gdirs concept of goodness is inherently bad and magic based on it should not work in the first place

im glad tina said what she said because 'the concept of good works to eliminate people who deviate from the norm' is exactly whats happening here (especially to snippy) but the author himself doesnt realize it and then goes on and on how you have to BE GOOD in order to BE A WIZARD and by BEING GOOD you have to follow GDIR DIRECTIONS

i also might be trying to work something out without having all the info as is usually the case but im definitely growing tired of the yandev approach of "introduce something new, 3 years of bug fixes" to the lore. i keep comparing this to yansim because its so... easy? the lack of foresight into planning your plot ahead into something coherent*, rather let the fans and friends and "contributors" write it for you in details and headcanons and then its a hot fucking mess

⁽*ʸᵃⁿˢᶦᵐ ʰᵃˢ ᵃ ˡᵒᵗ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᶦˢˢᵘᵉˢ ᵗʰᵃⁿ ˡᵃᶜᵏ ᵒᶠ ᵖˡᵒᵗ ᵖˡᵃⁿⁿᶦⁿᵍ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᶦˢⁿᵗ ᵖˡᵃᵍᵘᵉᵈ ᵇʸ ᶜᵘᵐᵇʳᵃᶦⁿᶦⁿᵍ ᶦᵗ ᵇᵗʷ. ᶦᵐ ᵂᴱᴸᴸ ᵃʷᵃʳᵉ)

#romantically apocalyptic #reading romac #romac #sugar.txt

[s-omething]

hi, franci. i know you liked when dad called you that, but we go by jax now. belive me, baby, it fits us better, but im here today to care for you, so its franci as you liked. i cant sleep again and tonight i caught myself remebering everything. when i say everything, its everything. im remebering when you were around 2 or 3 and dad caught a spider with his hands and showed you for the first time how things might not hurt you if youre gentle enough. you know, he fell in love with bees when you got older, those bees that used to sting you all the time at grandpa’s,  he taught you the same thing again, bees are awesome and you just have to stay calm and be gentle. i remember telletubies, bbb late night with mom, i remember when you lost a cd you liked and mom showed you how it was really not in the cd box anymore, cause you didnt believe her. i remember that rainbow you really wanted to see but you were not allowed outside, im sorry for that, you did get to see a lot of cool rainbows after it, i promise. baby, i remember you were sad that mom liked that boy she was taking care of more than you, or maybe she was just nicer to him, im not sure, but i know it did hurt a lot and you told her, i dont understand why she thought it was funny, i dont know why she said you could leave if you were jealous, she still tells that story as a joke, its never really funny. i remember how tiny your school backpack was, cause you could not fit much into it when you said to her you were leaving. i hope you know you were really small, she did not believe you would leave, okay? maybe thats why she find it funny. i want you to know that if i was her, and i wish i was, and i wish i was there to take care of you and make sure you didnt feel like you needed to leave, i would tell you that i didnt want you to go anywhere, that i love you and i do like you very much, youre very funny and smart and special for me, no one can replace you in my heart, okay? i wish you would never leave, but i will be with you if someday you decide to go. playing with you is fun, teaching you about the world is wonderful, i love hearing what you have to say. spending time with you is not a burden, baby. i remember playing outside with the other kids were scary, even if your brother was there and he was having fun, i understand kids are loud and sometimes they are mean too, i could go with you, i could hold your hand and make sure you have fun while feeling safe, so you dont have to stay in and watch tv all day. its okay to cry if you regret that you didnt go outside, but you can always try again tomorrow. im proud of you for that day you did go outside, and you did have fun. yes, most girls will be more nice to you than the boys usually are. i kept remembering that time you found a horoscope word for your sign and you misunderstood it. thats why i started remembering everything actually. because i know that word has been weighting you down since then, it still does today, im sorry. you grew up, im you, im an adult now, being lonely still haunts me. i am loved, i have people i love, you are loved. i like to remind myself that, so i dont get lost like you did back then. i remember crying before sleep because of that stupid word for a long time, i remember the night you couldnt stand rolling that word around your mind anymore so you carefully went into your parents room to tell them you were scared. i remember dad explaining the word and i remember you were still scared. baby, youre not alone. you wont be alone. im here, i will be here waiting for you to grow and i will not let you feel alone. its so strange to look at my hands and understand they were once so small and unsure. i guess i carried the feeling with me, but disconnected it from myself in a way. baby, i want to talk about things i know you will not be ready to hear and understand, and you shouldnt be, and im sorry you still have to deal with it without being ready, okay? i know its scary, it feels wrong and you dont know why, i know you dont have the words to try and explain it. you do not have to. its not your fault. i wish i was there to stop it, i wish i was there to protect you and give you the words for whenever you needed them. im here now, but its too late. im dealing with it, sometimes i cant stop my mind from running those things around all day long when its too quiet. but im here, we survived and we did talk, we did find the words and at some point we did understood. baby, im sorry you felt more scared than angry, you are allowed to be angry. your body is still yours, you are not pregnant and you are not dirty, i promise. if something feels wrong, run away. if you cant move, try to scream, okay? you can just scream for help, you can scream “no”, anything. you can scream, you dont need to behave and you dont need to be quiet. being quiet is not as good as everyone keeps saying it is.  when everyone was getting sick, you were scared the world would end and you were scared of dying, i remember cleary, one night you couldnt breathe and you were thinking how you would tell mom without bothering her because dad was not home and you didnt know what else to do. i remember being in the car, i remember the doctor calmed you down with a joke about pigs. he was right, you can calm down, youre alive, but i know he didnt tell you why you couldnt breathe. baby, you were just scared, okay? your fear was just too big, thats why your brain forgot how to breathe. when you feel like that, you have to teach your brain how to breathe again, in and out, slowly, you will feel better soon. drink some water too. i remember dad was home when you came back. he was watching avatar and you drank tea with him, right? im thankful to you for enjoying those moments. im glad he was there to calm you down a bit more. baby, i know youre still scared about the world ending, i know youre worried about all the trash, polution and all those animals being extinct, i know it keeps you up at night like that night you couldnt breathe and like those nights with that word stuck in your head, you should tell dad about how you feel, he will clear your mind and even it all those big things dont go away, i promise understanding better will make they stop being so loud at night.  i know mom says mean things about you sometimes, she is wrong, okay? i know you believe her, but she is lying, she is not really angry at you. she is angry at herself and its not your fault, she should not let it out on you. youre just a little kid and its not fair. please, remember this. you dont need to change, you dont need to fix her, she will not listen and its okay. its not your responsability to try to fix those things, just dont believe her. i know with time you learned to be more quiet, i know you erased yourself a bit just so she would not see you so much, you should not be quiet for her shouting, you are not those bad things she says, you are good, you are smart and strong and you do behave very well, even when you shouldnt. i love you, i trust you, im proud of you, you are very kind.  i remember some scary things that i still dont know how to talk about, i hope you can forgive me for that. i want you to know i forgive you about all the silly and bad things i remember you did too, i want you to remember something, okay? youre a kid. it okay to be angry. its okay to make mistakes. i forgive you. its okay to to things that are not allowed sometimes, i am an adult now and i want you to know that breaking the rules they gave you is not as bad as you feel it is, you do not have to carry all that guilt around, i promise those things are veeeery silly.  by the way, you do not have to hang out with those girls, they are mean to you and mom should not be telling you who you have to hang out with if you dont really like them. if they are mean, they are not friends. you will have kind friends who like you for who you are, i promise. yes, you deserve people who like you, and you should not stay quiet when someone is mean to you, but i know its scary, its okay if you dont know how to react and i know getting into fights would be scary too.  i remember pretty well, you look in the mirror sometimes and youre terrified of people realizing youre not a “real girl”, right? theres nothing wrong with you. theres nothing wrong with your body, its changing now and it will change more later, you dont have to worry about being a girl or a boy or neither. youre beautiful, nothing will change that. people are not looking at you and wondering anything, people dont really care. yes, men on the streets are weird and scary sometimes, stay away from them, okay? they do not define you, they should not be looking at you at all, changing how you dress does not define their behavior, they are just disgusting because they are.  thats as far as we go as little kids, i wish i walked all those steps beside you, baby. im sorry i could not, turns out you still have to grow for me to be able to tell you all this. and you will, you will grow and you will learn things and find yourself and things will keep changing, you dont have to be scared, you will be okay. dont let them be mean to you. dont let them make you feel stupid or dumb. you are bright, its okay to learn things in a different way and understand the world in a different view, its okay to feel things a little bit too much, just dont let those feelings swallow you. youre bigger than them, they just look big because its their shadow youre looking at. i love you, baby, im here. 

[kdipshit]

Souljah For Life ;

I am not writing to please anyone, thats the beauty of coming online and starting at the bottom, with no promotion, no… well thats about it, I haven’t told anybody I’m doing this, I’ve done it before, but never like this. Its kind of scary, but like I said, being scared kind of keeps me cool. I give thanks to jah. I’ve always known that one day I’m gonna have to deal with all of this shit I’ve been pushing down, its kind of exciting and gives me something for my scatterbrain to do lol. I don’t know what writing to post does to me yet, I just know I don’t want to depend on anyone or anything else, and its kind of hard to see a different outcome by doing all I know. Who taught me all I know and how open is their mind? What kind of person are they? Where did they learn that? Why do they believe that, and are they open to broading their horizon?

i will continue to express what ever it is that needs expressing.Ramble writing, lol. I’m sure theres gold in some of these sentences. To put my mind in order enough to contract said sentence, is the struggle itself. When I speak, it comes out jittery, anxious and embarrassing, so I kind of just don’t speak, without looking around after wards. Im grateful because maybe thats why I see myself as such a brilliant writer, I have the right amount of time to process and figure out what I want to say, not right off that bat, but once processed.

See I’m speaking as if thats something I do, Im always saying things I want to do and trying to speak into existence the person I want to be but the thought of me not being able to do it throws me off, but now that we know emotion can only grow from thought, the best move would be to change the thought… right? The thought : everyone is judging me…. Counter thought : No one cares, no they dont, they don’t care. Just speak. Just write. Just express yourself because no one cares if you do or if you don’t. It make me feel good, and I’m sure, I’m sure of it, theres gotta be gold in here.

Anyways girls, skins looking tight, hair hopefully less orange by the time I read this again, weed is up, feeling like a true winner. How could anything go wrong? Looking at life as if it’s someone I’m in love with is the easiest for me, considering how easy and natural love is for this libra. My Venus is in Leo and I think that means I’m confident in my love, which explains me effortlessly. I haven’t felt love in a long time, big S word about it, I guess I just sit here.

I am stronger and wiser than I was the day before. Every ‘now’ moment I find myself in, I am better than the last. I’ve been learning to think differently, now that I’m aware of my power over them, just small things like stopping myself from holding onto the automatic thought and instead changing it to the positive opposite. My younger sister told me she loved me today, but meant it as she loves the person I am, and that I can go through so much and still be a good person afterwards, and not a crackhead or someone who took the ‘easy’ way out, for the record I don’t think that’s the easy way out. She’s someone whose opinion about me I value because of how much I have let her down in the past, with my drinking and absolute psychotic episodes, I’ve always wanted to be the good older sister, and I’m here. This is usually around the time I start to self sabotage, but I choose to feel so much differently, instead actually embracing the change instead of running away to my old ways, just because I know them so well. I’m so excited on my new journey with my new flower bed of a brain. I brought a new sweater today and I swear to god im the cutest thing ever.

My mind seems kind of empty and its so freeing, The vibration that the music projects is feeling nek level kahi. I’m here, I’m in this moment, I feel okay….. I feel level, I feel high, I feel so grateful, I feel full of love energy, I feel light blue, yellow, green. I feel good here. Blue and yellow together is so beautiful and eye opening and makes you feel so fresh right??? Thats how I feel anyways.

#new blog #blogging #actually bpd #actually borderline #actually bipolar