#i suppose i am just tired of fighting

[ivee-draws]

you’ve heard of bald solas, you’ve heard of auburn solas, but have you considered auburn solas with GREYS

#dragon age #solas #fen’harel #fenharel #art #dread wolf #dragon age inquisition #my art #he wants to give wisdom not orders #i suppose i am just tired of fighting #💔 #excuse the blurriness and sketchy lines this was a resized procreate doodle i rlly liked #maybe i’ll actually paint over it or something soon ☀️

[galadae]

“kissing your lover's forehead, then bending down to meet their lips” for calien? 🫶

this took me so long lol, thank you for sending this dani 💕

Before Dawn | ~950 words | mid ENW spoilers under the cut (and vague mentions of ranged role quest stuff, but nothing major if you haven't done it)

Calantha wakes to find the space beside her cold and empty. 

"Hien?" she whispers. She blinks sleep from her eyes. How long has he been gone? It's some odd time of the night, far past midnight but not yet dawn. The room is dark and quiet but for the wind gusting against the roof. She rises to her feet, feeling around in the dark for her haori and boots. He must be outside.

They've both slept fitfully in the nights since her return. With the blasphemy's last appearance, terror and unrest simmer under the surface of all in the enclave and beyond, threatening to mutate into something far more deadly. 

Calantha had kept watch for the blasphemy the first night, too on edge to sleep, her mind replaying the memory of the sky falling over Thavnair. A disaster she'd set in motion, despite her best intentions. But the intentions made no difference now. She’d locked up her guilt and fear in favor of action. She hoped her actions would be enough.

Perhaps it was selfish, coming back to Doma now, when the whole world needed her. But she couldn't ignore his request for aid. 

Now she dresses quickly and steps from the room. Despite the new number of those taking refuge within, the Kienkan is silent. She finds no sign of him in other rooms, or anywhere out in the streets of the enclave.

Her ground search fruitless, Calantha takes Giles into the air. She guides him above the river, going over any places Hien likes to visit in her mind. None of them seem likely. The moon is high, almost full, bathing everything in a soft, cool light. A fitting cold sky for the chilly wind.  

After half a bell of telling herself not to worry, the sight of his yol resting on the abandoned moon gate platform floods her with relief. Giles lands with a sharp "kweh." She slides from the bird's back and lands softly on her feet. 

Hien doesn't seem to have noticed her approach, or at least, he doesn't acknowledge her. He stands a few feet from the stark drop of the wall. His gaze falls on the flooded ruins of the castle. He still wears only the loose smock and trousers he slept in. She doesn't see his sword anywhere.

"It's chilly without you," she says. Calantha steps up next to him, boots crunching on the old stone. She clutches her haori around her, fighting off a shiver. 

He says nothing. He's been quieter, more reserved in the past few days. She doesn't need to ask why. 

"You've barely slept since you arrived," Hien says, finally. He doesn't look at her. "I thought you might prefer to not be woken again. I do seem to steal the blankets when I toss." A hint of a smile lifts his lips, but doesn't reach his eyes. 

Calantha rests her hand on his shoulder. "That's kind of you," she says. "But I would prefer having you next to me. I sleep alone enough as it is." She doesn't say her next thought. How else will I keep you safe?  

He turns his head to offer her another weak smile. "I shall keep that in mind." 

She studies his face, relief at finding him and worry for his well-being conflicting inside her. The cold moonlight does him no favors. He looks washed out, haunted. Far too tired. "Hien... Are you all right? I came to offer company, but if you'd rather be alone, I can go back."

Hien sighs, a long slow breath. He looks back out over the river.  "I thought myself in need of time to clear my mind, but it has solved nothing. I would not begrudge you for returning to bed, but if you wish to stay–"

"Of course I do." Calantha slips her arm around his shoulders. 

She brushes a hand against his cheek, tucking a free strand of dark hair behind his ear. He meets her eyes. 

"Do you want to talk? Would it help?"

"I am...unsure." His brow furrows. He looks down at his feet. "Forgive me," he murmurs. "I do not mean to make you worry." He wraps an arm around her waist. "You have enough cares as it is." 

The weariness of the past days is plain in his voice, dragging his words down like an iron weight. Try as he might, he can't hide it from her. 

She cups his cheek, pulling his gaze back to hers. "My worries for you aren't your doing." 

She presses her lips to his forehead, willing the kiss to take his cares away. He sighs and closes his eyes as she lowers her face to leave a small, soft kiss on his lips. 

For a moment the wind calms to a gentler breeze. Hien rests his head on her shoulder. His arm is warm around her. She wraps her other arm over his shoulder, holding him close. They stand in silence. The river is a distant roar mingling with the near, soft sounds of their breath. 

"Come back to bed," Calantha says. "Daylight will be here before we know it. Let's rest while we can." 

The wind picks up again, sending a shiver through her. Hien leans closer, hiding his face against her neck.

"It will be warm inside, at least," she adds.

"You are right," he says, with a tired huff. He steps back, but he still holds onto her hand. "I’m glad you came to me." 

"You can thank me by sharing the blankets," Calantha says. She squeezes his hand. "Let's go." 

By the time they fall back onto the futon, huddling close for warmth, birds are singing just before the dawn. Calantha closes her eyes, trying not to think about the days ahead. Everything is uncertain. Everything could go to ruin in a moment, with her helpless to stop it. But for now Hien is safe, asleep, and warm against her. She can take some comfort in that.

#ffxiv #hannah words #replies #lavampira #kiss prompts #calantha/hien #endwalker spoilers #fighting for my life with the pacing on this one. but i am simply tired of looking at it so. it's done now lmao #also. idk when the role quests are supposed to happen in enw #i just think cala would've stopped to help him if he'd asked even in the middle of everything. kinda problematic of her but w/e #so this is vaguely after vanaspati i guess

[thegreenleavesofspring]

.

Me: *on the phone with my mother* Yeah God has me in a holding pattern right now so I'm just chilling.

*two days later* Stuff Starts Happening

Which. Don't get me wrong. It's good stuff and stuff I've been praying for for awhile now but also... it is going to be Tiring and Inconvenient to deal with and the holding pattern the boys and I have been in has been remarkably comfortable, actually, and I am reluctant to face the exertion and weariness that the process of this Stuff is going to require and...

Anyway, don't mind me, just complaining about blessings again. XP

(I'm just. I already know good and well that I am going to be Tired for the next few months. Really really Tired. Even with trusting and praying it's still going to take mental and physical energy and also concern for my children and it's just. Gack.)

(Actually maybe I need to be praying that I will soon meet a dependable, trustworthy babysitter so that my children can get to know and trust them before the impending periods of hours of separation. And yeah yeah "Bri just hours?" but keep in mind my children have never been separated from me except once, my eldest stayed with my in-laws while I was in the hospital giving birth to my second son and that Did Not Go Well. Indeed my youngest never even experienced the usual separation anxiety phase that happens around a year old because he has never been without me.

Add to that that we don't actually know ANYONE in the area. Like at all. Except my mother, who is currently without transportation and who I don't... fully... trust to watch my kids for like... four hours. Or longer.

Anyway this has been weighing on me and I don't know why it hasn't occurred to me to pray about it before.)

On another note, when the CPS dude visited today he asked if we were going to be okay (re: my husband no longer providing any financial support at all) and I said yes, because we have no other choice but to be, and we just sort of looked at each other. But I didn't come off as worried because even though I know already that next month is going to be challenging, I also have full trust that God has not brought us this far just to drop us now. Just because I don't know yet what He has planned doesn't mean He doesn't have a plan and also I think I've maybe gotten a glimpse at it? Little bitty glimpse? Just takes a certain amount of effort on my part.

...yes I'm a bit lazy. XP

#Nattering into the void #I am lazy but I am also tired #Not Tired yet but tired #It has been a good year but a tiring one and the last ~month especially #I really do need to pray about the divorce situation more because the Bible is very plain how we are supposed to treat divorce and #reconciliation and God does not contradict His word but also- #It is impossible NOT to see His hand in this whole drama so #??? #That said I'm not about to fight Him to *not* get divorced that's for sure and certain #If I never see Dallas again I will be that much the happier #I pray that he and his whole family get saved but somewhere far far away from me and the boys #...which leads me to the “but who will be a good male role model for my children?” but now I'm just digressing and word vomiting at once #And any road Dallas was not and would not be a good male role model for them so. #*le tired flops*

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

have decided that I will not be reducing people to their current life phase, relationship status, religious affiliation, age, or any other exterior trapping. you are a person. I care about you. that's basically it. this is how I'm going to see the world from now on.

#making this post for myself #bc i'm fighting the uni trend to label and categorize people based on their chosen major or dorm building or what have you #you're not those things! you're a person! interesting and complex! just like me! and everyone else! #and I am working really hard to go out of my way to talk to people that don't fit the 'mold' of 'who I'm supposed to hang out with' #even though it's very tiring because it means that I'm having to learn a lot about how to communicate with very many different types of peo #people #and also work very hard to Not be concerned about what they think of me #if I come off uncertain or awkward or cold at first #gurt says stuff

[front-facing-pokemon]

#bonus under the cut where they're just a tiny bit closer because i couldn't decide which one was better #lairon #lairon is also pretty good. they have this Really big nose thing happening here which i'm not sure if it's supposed to be a nose or not #but it definitely looks like one from this angle. it definitely Looks like they're snifsnifsnifsniffing that kind of vibe #even though it's kinda on the top of their head. either way lairon is a steel-type and that's inherently cool #i very much like steel-types that look less like Objects or Mechanisms and more like Creatures. Animals. but that's just my personal taste #notably it's also part rock-type because reasons i guess so 4x weakness to fighting my belovèd. just like weavile #and ground also. but at least the rock typing nullifies steel's weakness to fire! in exchange for. a weakness to water #ahh well i dunno anything about the stats of this bitch. i assume they're good and very tanky because steel-type but i'm not #gonna look it up. i usually do but i am tired this morning and i need to just get some coffee and take my meds so i can call someone to #come pick me up and take me to fedex because i don't have a fucking car anymore and also driving is very scary and hard #probably my grandma. which is ironic because she's the one i sold my car to. she'd be taking me to fedex in my own car‚ technically #i dunno y'all. i need to work‚ too‚ so i should probably stop writing. y'all have a good day. brits out there take care with the heat wave #if that's still going on by the time this posts

[diffenbachiae]

the worst part of anxiety is that it feels bad before you do the thing, while you’re doing the thing, AND after you’re doing the thing, but if you ever stop doing the things it gets WAY WORSE!!!!

#so your job is to fight through it every time and every once in a while you notice it’s not as hard as it used to be #which yes is progress! but also i’m very tired of feeling like this! #today is supposed to be a fun day and i’m shaking with anxiety already and it’s so irrational #i am going to read books to children at a fun winter event and then go to the nutcracker ballet #and i’m weirdly nervous that the kids won’t like me. my entire job is getting kids to like me. i think it’ll be ok #it feels like there’s a panicking kid in my brain and also a world-weary adult sighing every time the kid freaks out like ‘this again?’ #i don’t know there’s not rly anything to be said or done #i just wanna vent and i feel like my irl friends are gonna get sick of me having a bad time 🤪

[lynaferns]

School is draining any small motivation I had for art

or creativity in general

(tw: I got pretty much depressive in the tags but I needed to dump this somewhere and this may not be the best place but is where I feel better talking about my problems or insecurities, so feel free to ignore)

#vent in the tags #tw vent #i'm tired #and I hate that I'm tired #everytime I try to finish education is worst than the last time. my head can't take any sort of information from the class #no matter how many times they try to explain me or how many times I read and reread the same text #I can't focus. I can't memorize anything. I'm just sitting there in the classroom waiting for the 4 hours to finish to go back home #and spend the rest of the night just doing nothing. staring at the walls or doomscrolling till I have to go to bed and wake up again #for another day of fighting against an stupid anxiety attack in class because I'm going to fail this again #I hate school. I fucking hate it. the most boring stressing overwhelming way of learning #having the teacher talk for 1-2 hours straight and the student listening the whole time not saying anything is stupid #it's so fucking stupid they only want them to be mindless sheeps that only listen #because if you say anything 'no. you're wrong. I'm the teacher and I know better' fucking bullshit #this system is bullshit #and how am I supposed to study a whole school year of history. biology. math etc in less than 4 months?? #everybody was like #'oh it's just 4 months and you'll be out of school!' 'in 4 months you'll get the education!' 'you can finish this in just 4 months!' #I fucking can't! I can't do this in such short time! I can't. focus. on 6. subjects at the same time. my brain can't! #and it's so fucking depressing. I have 4 opportunities to finish this. the longest it could take me is 2 years #I could just focus on 1 or 2 things each time but if I fail too many times I won't have another opportunity like this ever again #and I won't be able to finish highschool education and I. just. can't. #I'm tired of giving my biggest effort and not being enough. I'm tired of getting no satisfaction from any achievement I get #I hate so many things right now #and I have a lot more things in my head right now but I better shut up #you don't have to comfort me. it's ok. I'm not searching for confort. I just needed a place to dump my frustration or something #idk #you can ignore this #I might delete this later

[hecksupremechips]

Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually #very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds #like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd #but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga #and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit #and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’ #which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road #its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16! #he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control #which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’ #so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way #like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health #i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to #be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident! #so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game #is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me #cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused #but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone #like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways #and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed #but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child #shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING #HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY #like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work #apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs #his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be #better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy #and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad #how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel #makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired

[dandyshucks]

why do i keep getting energy and mood crashes these past few days auugghh 😭😭 (<-, they ask, knowing full well they have not given themself a day of rest in two weeks and continuously push themself to do more cleaning than they have energy for)

#i just want things to be clean dhdjfkd im so tired of the mess everywhere #i think i am also rebelling against the fatigue bc im so frustrated w how little i can do in a day 😭 #theres so much stress fjfkdl but i keep doing too many things and ending up exhausted and near tears so thats. probably not good fjfkdl #I need to rest but theres so much that Needs to be done along w everything i Want to do fjfkdl #dragging my hands down my face and grumbling dnfkdl this is . urgghh. alas! what can u do i guess djfkdl #fighting w myself bc on one hand. get everything done in a fit of self destructive tendencies. but things will be done. #on the other hand. do the potentially better thing and get stuff done in moderation with rest. but I'll always be behind on cleaning. hmph #idk fhfjdls pros and cons i suppose! i will stop yelling and grumbling abt it publicly now though djdkdl #vent //

[mars-ipan]

Ya got any rants stored up? Long-burning hatred?

i FINALLY found one i’ve been holding onto this ask waiting for the opportunity.

i HATE how people treat people with anxiety disorders. it’s endless pity mixed with complete incompassion

like ok. obligatory i have generalized anxiety disorder here. a lot of things make me stressed and when i’m having bad anxiety attacks (which can last days and sometimes put me into month-long spells of misery) i get physically sick, to the point of throwing up and fever. i also tend to go nonverbal/low-verbal during these periods of time (usually bc i’m nauseous.) i’m also very prone to migraines and have a tic and wear a night guard due to jaw clenching etc etc you get the point it affects me.

when i share these symptoms with people (assuming they don’t have similar symptoms) i get a lot of frowny faces. “owh i’m sorry :( that must be awful how horrible“ and the like. and it’s never said in a way that’s actually kind. it’s said in the way people talk about those aspca commercials. and it’s never actually come from a place of genuine concern- it’s superficial pity apparently meant to placate me. i hate it

and that’s assuming i even get that reaction at all! usually when i try to explain to someone that i’m experiencing symptoms of some sort like “hey i’m sorry i can’t really be productive right now, i’ve got a lot of brain fog” i am ALWAYS dismissed. EVERY time. maybe it’s because i’m quite skilled at coping and masking. maybe it’s because my panic attacks don’t (always) look like wailing and thrashing and choking on air. but for some reason people don’t seem to understand that yes my anxiety disorder is actually disabling for me sometimes. i will ask for an accommodation i need, be compared to someone else with different needs from me, and then be told i need to just suck it up and deal with it. and i am SO! TIRED! OF! IT!!!! the amount of times i’ve told people “hey please don’t say that to me i’m prone to paranoia about xyz” and then been yelled at because “it’s not that serious take a joke” is ABSURD. hey maybe stop telling me my cough is covid bc now i have to spend the next 3 hours reminding myself that i don’t have any other symptoms asshole!!! jesus

and THEN when i actually DO find a way to cope or utilize the way my brain works or god forbid crack a fucking joke about it people get mad at me. “see i knew it wasn’t a big deal” or “so you’re actually fine” or “that’s not funny” i am. so tired of it

and then i go online and see people saying that disorders like anxiety and depression have been destigmatized and we’re treated basically the same in neurotypical society. motherfucker i did not go undiagnosed for 17 years with several doctors telling me it “wasn’t anything to worry about” despite my family history and clear signs from a young age just to be told my disorder is respected. if i say my anxiety is a disability i get called dramatic and am told to stop taking attention away from people who need it- or not to call it a disability because “it’s not that bad” and i’m fine because clearly having a disability makes every second of your life miserable of course of course. hell anxiety is demonized too! not as badly as many other illnesses but it’s still demonized!!! if i tell people “hey i have anxiety so please be careful with xyz” they act like i just asked them to let me do anything i want without consequence. there’s literally a whole fucking stereotype of people using “anxiety” as an excuse to be lazy or an asshole or entitled. as someone whose anxiety manifests in depressive spirals (freeze response) and rejection sensitivity (doom spiraling) this is Not Great!!!!! like i am hypervigilant about enough things i do not need to add “will these people get mad if i explain how my brain works” to the list

and about the rejection sensitivity. i HATEEEEE when people judge me for crying because they’re upset at something i’ve done wrong. “mars if you’re in the wrong then you’re not the victim” who the fuck said i think i’m the victim???? i cry because my brain takes “can you pls stop doing this it genuinely bugs me” and turns it into “you’re a horrible person how could you do this to someone they hate you.” but just because that happens doesn’t mean i’m not capable of rational thought!!! i KNOW realistically that my friends are good communicators and share that stuff because they like my company. i just need to cry about it as well. that doesn’t negate my logic or say i won’t actually try to improve myself. i’m just upset that i made the mistake. obviously i’m gonna fix it. that one REALLY pisses me off esp when i warn someone in advance that i do that. like calm the fuck down i’m not even pointing out that i’m crying rn this isn’t about me stop making it about me.

ANYWAYS. it’s really frustrating to deal with this shit from nts and then go to an online nd space for community and hear people talk about anxiety disorders like we don’t face ableism. just because it’s quieter doesn’t mean it isn’t there. that AND the “it’s barely an issue” girlie i was told i wasn’t disabled enough by doctors my whole damn life i am NOT about to start hearing it from you too. you can drown in the ocean or a swimming pool or a puddle. doesn’t fucking matter. the hypocrisy irritates me so bad

#ask #ghost #marzirants #i am sick of being told i’m normal and then getting yelled at for being myself #if anyone is an ass on this post and doesn’t consider the context or nuance within i will kill :) #anywho thx ghost. that one’s been simmering for a but #a bit* whoopsies #once before i got dxed i was trying out a new therapist #and after an in-depth explanation of my fear around driving and the built up shame i had from still just having my permit #she told me to ‘just get in the car and drive’ #girl do you think i didn’t try that. my whole issue is that i can’t ‘just’ do it i was hoping we could work on the THREE MENTAL BLOCKS there #anyways i never went back to her. i still seethe a bit when i think abt it #anywho. sick and tired of being denied help and then chastised when i survive anyways #like yeah i’m alive. be a lot FUCKING better if you just gave me a hand though #but noooo because i’m not falling apart in front of you clearly i’m dramatic #tbf i have an incredibly high pain tolerance and have been an expert masker since i was a child #but still. not all disability is visible asshat. am i supposed to be able to function on my own or not why is there no right answer #anywho i’ve always felt a lot of connection to those with chronic fatigue #probs bc we both have deal with ‘it’s not that big a deal’ or ‘you’re being lazy/sensitive’ or ‘just suck it up’ #not to mention constant anxiety is EXHAUSTING. fight-or-flight takes up so much energy dude

[zelzahdarkcloak]

I contain multitudes, but at what cost?

#im tired #i am too many people #i like too many things #i cannot be confined #i cannot make a choice #it's such a struggle to keep consistent with any one thing when i want to do and be all of them #its out of context but i always think of sam saying 'you cannot always be torn in two' #of course i also feel like 'too much butter spread over too little bread' ala bilbo style #idk #it's never going to get better #im never going to figure myself out #im literally just along for the bumpy ride #yet at every turn im supposed to just magically know #everyone else seems to have a defined personality #what the heck am i out here doing #more importantly why do i have to know? #why does it feel like a struggle to keep myself grounded to a personality #i have to genuinely fight to keep within the rules ive made for myself so I don't concern people when i step outside of them #why does it matter #just screaming at the void #eh we're all freaking dust at the end anyway #whatever

[cantdanceflynn]

BIG FLASHING IMAGE TW AND ALSO THE AUDIO JUST KINDA HURTS MY EARS

@pyxehastoomanyinterests @homemadegirlbossbattle BC PEOPLE ON THIS SITE LOVE PROVING THEY DONT HAVE READING COMPREHENSION, JUST TO MAKE IT CLEAR. ALICE IS THE ANTAGONIST OF THE DEITY AU. SHES THE BAD GUY. THIS ISNT EVEN HARD THE BAD GUY DOES BAD THINGS AND THAT MEANS WE DONT THINK YOU SHOULD RLY DO BAD THINGS THIS IS LIKE. THE EASIEST TO COMPREHEND PART OF THE AU MORALLY. ALSO YOU CAN TELL WHEN I STOPPED CARING BOUT MOST OF THIS. TURNS OUT BEING HARASSED A BUNCH DOES THAT TO YOU/HJ ALSO MOST OF THE FRAMES(THERES MORE THEN 30) R UNDER THE CUT OUT OF ORDER BC I DONT HAVE ENERGY

#THIS WHOLE THING JUST MAKES ME SO SAD ALICE WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A FIGHTING CHANCE ON THE THING MADE FOR HER #AND IK ITS NOT MY FAULT IT JUST RLY HURTS AND I AM SO TIRED AND WANTED HER TO AT LEAST GO OUT FAIRLY EVEN IF THIS IS MORE IN CHARACTER #FLASHING TW #FLASHING IMAGE TW #DRUG REFERENCE TW #CIGARETTE TW #MURDER TW #BLOOD TW #CANNIBALISM TW #ATT #PNF DEITY AU #ALICE LUOJA #CANDY-ART

[6-2-aestheticsofhate]

What's the fucking point

#god i feel like killing myself #just existing is a fucking struggle #whats the point of it #moving into an apartment was supposed to help and it did i fucking guess but i am so drained from trying to survive these past few months #fuck i could hardly bring myself to get out of bed today #i could hardly bring myself to eat #small things keep fucking building up and fuck. fuck. im so fucking tired #im gonna be honest i dont know how much fight i have left in me #i tried so fucking long #i begged and pleaded online for help with just. fucking anything. i was fucking homeless and people rbed my post but i hardly got anything #i feel like my art sucks and its not even good enough for people to pity commission me when i was fucking homeless #i know people did commission me. or donate. and i really appreciate it #but the sheer fact i was open about being homeless and had a whopping... two people either comm or donate me #and id make posts talking about how/why the shelter i was staying at was bad for me #and barely anyone helped #ive spent the past few months being insulted by other people at shelters. #having my fucking abusers show up at one of them #and constantly had people downplay my sadness and mental health issues or physical health issues #even though im not homeless anymore its like theres deep scarring from the fucking. whole goddamn experience #im in so much pain #i keep crying #i cant focus #i can hardly function #ive only eaten one meal today and its 7pm now #i dont think im gonna make it. #personal #vent

[cistematicchaos]

🫤 Mh. Not sure what to think of the fact I know my therapist has read all the notes my psyciatrist made about me, including the fact I’m trans and what my pronouns are(we’ve even discussed it) and then today she misgendered me to my face. Huh. 

I had to play it back to actually convince myself I wasn’t mishearing and then I spent a bit trying to convince myself maybe she just didn’t know until I remembered we’ve LITERALLY TALKED ABOUT MY GENDER AND PRONOUNS. I know this is one of those situations where I’m going to have to walk her through the fact my pronouns are not optional little extras she can pick or choose whether to use but sjasflesahse I guess I was just hoping I wouldn’t HAVE to do that. But nope. I guess not. 😮‍💨

#transphobia #hfhjkauuuuuuu i am so tired of cis people #i'm sorry #but y'all are exhausting #i think very highly of you actually #bc i know this shit isn't actually rocket science #but almost every interaction I have with cis 'allies' #IS EXHAUSTING #like Y'ALL??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING #i can say oh im trans and you'll be like 'oh thats cool with me' #but bro i didn't ask whether it was #i just want you to use my pronouns #and refer to me properly #and not yknow be friends with transphobes #and fight that shit when its around #but NOOOO #apparenty being 'accepted' is the best im supposed to hope for???? #fjsklafhdkjlahfskla whatever whatever whatever lol #chaos is speaking #mhhh #trans

[bibiana112]

Girl are you okay? Cause you've been looking through the "My lesbian experience with loneliness" tag again

Well the short answer is no :D

#the long answer is I saw one post of someone going 'well now that I'm 28 too maybe I'll try doing the same thing the protag does here'' #and nearly cried because 28 is such a ridiculously long time away except not really except it's SO #fucking long and so close to what I was gaslit into believing I would ever have that I'd be lucky to make it to my thirties for no reason #and I never wanted anything different and just wanted to live and had panic attacks when reading but I'd still believe it was inevitable #and now I am suddenly having to come to terms with so much I want from life that I had resigned myself to never having because I couldn't #but how am I meant to do that? it's just hanging over my head now and it feels so stupid and I feel so out of place everywhere #it feels like I'm too bad at being a person to be loved and too angry to even admit I want to be #and too regretful to seek it because I'm scared of trampling over people's boundaries like people have done to me #and like I did too before I grew up and thought my way through having some empathy #why do only boys show any interest in me.... why is every friend I make entirely outside the range of people who could possibly reciprocate #why is it so easy for me to brush crushes aside aren't people supposed to suffer for this stuff #does that prove it's not a romantic crush and it's just that I want to be held and wanted #it feels so wrong to want this after fighting so much just to have fulfilling platonic relationships what's wrong with me #that I still want something else what more could I want this life is so ideal as far as 12 yo me is concerned #...when did my brain start viewing any and all kinds of want or ambition as doomed efforts for me? #I have such a headache all of a sudden #I think... the way I value self preservation has gotten all the way around into being harmful maybe #at least a little #everyone I know is nowhere near the amount of control freak as I am and they just go do things they want to do #have I seen them hurt over the consequences multiple times yes. but . I'm tired of hurting over absence #''did you know wishing you had more extreme and easily verifiable trauma is in itself proof of having undergone trauma'' well yeah but like #fuck why couldn't I be traumatized by anything else that wasn't literally the profession supposed to help you with all the trauma #delete later #like for real I want to delete it rn but I also don't

[pepprs]

in my despera (despair era)

#purrs #talked to her about everything and uhhh. i think she simply cannot compute that being a mom is about more than feeding your kid and bringing #them stuff when they need it (not that that isn’t important or real or anything ofc) or that she has hurt me in ways that run to the deepest #parts of myself. i think i did a good job keeping things civil and not being inflammatory like i usually am but everything i brought up she #refuted by pointing out something that i did wrong which i would then address / explain and apologize for and own up to and then when i woul #would point out stuff she did wrong she would just deflect w my own wrongdoings or change the topic or whatever. lol! and i told her she #night love me but i don’t think she likes me (hashtag ladybird) and she said that that was hurtful to hear but i explained why i felt that w #way and then she did nothing but continue to exhibit the same behaviors that make me feel disliked and quite frankly unloved by her so um. #lol and lawl and lel i suppose. the absolute hopelessness of it. she is never going to understand or change. there are the most basic things #in the world that i need from her which are also the hardest things in the world to ask your own mother ofr and i couldn’t even bring up the #favoritism thing bc everyone was around LOL but um. wow! she does not understand how she is hurting me and nothing i do or say will get #through to her. this will continue and worsen ♥️ i do not feel better i feel worse ♥️ every day brings a new reminder that she is emotionall #unavailable and unwilling to even try to be nurturing in ways that will impact me for the rest of my life ♥️ #delete later #the energy it took not to start crying during that and now im too tired. what a fucked up day it’s been #like it’s as if i didn’t even say anything. she is like i pretend i do not see it <3 #also she was like i had these same kinds of fights w my father but i realized what counted was that he was always there for me and i eas #like you’re not wrong but also… maybe that at least partially explains why you are an emotionally unavailable parent! lol!